Is my cheating spouse still cheating?

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Is my cheating spouse still cheating? post image

Photo courtesy of Roland O’Daniel https://www.flickr.com/photos/rlodan01/

This is one of the most common worries wives have about their husbands after they’ve cheated on them. You caught him cheating, he says he is sorry and he wants to work on the marriage. But you have this nagging feeling that something is still going on.

On the one hand, after finding our your husband cheated, you do not want to neglect that feeling—after all, the majority of us found out our spouses were cheating because of that vague feeling that something was “just wrong”. At the same time, you do not want to be consumed worrying if your husband is still cheating on you. Tracking your husband’s every move will take up your entire day, stress you out to no end, and make you feel like you’re losing your mind.

I went through the same process. Things seemed to be fine between us, but something was nagging me and I wasn’t sure if I was being super sensitive or something was still going on. Needless to say, I became super stressed out. After a while, trying to catch him with his guard down in order to look through his phone and making up reasons to call to see if he would answer just became exhausting. I finally said to myself, “I do not want to live like this the rest of my life.” But I wasn’t ready to leave the marriage either. So I took the control out of my hands, and trusted that the universe would let me know what was going on. I told myself if he was still having an affair, then I hoped that life would show me without me being a private investigator. I stopped stressing about it and focused on working on my marriage.

A week later, the other woman (OW) contacted me of her own volition, and there I had my answer. Being patient like that was what I should have been doing all along. When you try so hard to figure out the answer to a question you can block the answer. For me, learning to just let go and not force my own outcome was an important lesson in my own affair recovery journey.

  • Nana April 10, 2012, 3:00 PM

    I would never believe that I would be writing this. My husband and I have been married now for almost 3 years, in which time, he has had an ongoing affair (he works on the road) and now this week I found him with an email address so he can post to others so I wont find out. I read the other stories and I feel somewhat better. I am crushed, devistated and my world has flipped upside down. My husband is a liar and a cheat who said it would never happen again the first time so he went to emails and computer dating. He left for another road trip for work and I just told him I don’t want him to call, write, text whatever until he returns. I need time alone to sort this out. I KNOW I am a caring human being who works with the elderly and gives so much love to others. He says he loves me but the problem I see is that he loves himself more. I dont know if we will stay together, I can make it on my own, I have before…..it’s just nice to know I can see others having the same pain I feel. Thank you I don’t feel so alone anymore………….

    • Jewels April 11, 2012, 4:03 PM

      Hello Nana,

      It is crazy how you think they are done and really they just find a new format to do the same thing – it’s painful to find out. But I can tell by your post that you are a strong woman and will get through this, you know you are a vaulable partner not on in the marriage, but outside the marriage and your husband will have to live with him hiding this from you. Lastly, I am glad you do not feel so alone. That is exactly wjy I created the site. Virtual hug to you!!

  • LisaP April 10, 2012, 8:29 PM

    @Nana, It is never about us but them. They all think they deserve the attention they get from these websites. Their ego controls them along with their penis that is why they can not quit. My husband became additcted to these sites only to go to the extreme and even look at child porn. Though he denys it, I have found child porn on my computer over the last 10years not alot but a few pictures here and there with others in a collage. I made my husband get help and had no sexual contact with him for months until I was sure he was not doing anything anymore on the computer. He told me it was never about us the wifes but to satisfy their own sexual desires they can ask for from us. (such and bondage, anal sex you name it) They mostly want to act out their fantasy’s without hurting us but in the long run they do more than they ever will know!

  • downinluck April 15, 2012, 12:20 AM

    That is the question or if he’s not now when will he do it again? Dr. Phil said past behaviour is the best predictor of future behavior and i believe it. My ex cheated on my probably when i was pregnant with our first child on the internet telling girls to meet him somewhere. I let it go. Then about 2 1/2 yrs into our relationship he had an affair with a married women. He left me for a yr an i took him back when he wanted to. It took about a year before i trusted hima again. Then we married and pregnant with our 3rd child he cheated again! Took off and left me with a 2 yr old and 8 yr old and 7 months pregnant. THat was MArch of 2011. GUess what he’s back again. SAying he is sorry. I made a mistake and it will never happen again. I learned my lesson. REally how many times are you going to say you are sorry and make the same mistakes? I filed for divorce in april 2011 but its still not finalized because he filed to go to reconcilliation counceling. SO now i have to go to counceling with him. I have no money, no job, my house is now in foreclosure because even though he is court ordered to pay the mortgage he isnt, and i have 3 little ones. He knows he has me in that i have no where to go and is trying to get me to move in with him. I feel kind of defeated and i know to never trust anything he says or does. I know i dont want to be with him, yet i feel stuck.

  • LisaP April 24, 2012, 6:19 PM

    I am always geting pissed off at the way our men treat us. We are not their property!!! They feel as if they say I am sorry enough we will forget all they have done! But we never will forget and I remember everything so vividly that a part of me hates him more every day. I stayed but wished I didn’t!!!!! If I won the lotto today I would be gone with the kids. Make him feel the pain I feel every day for what he has done. I don’t think my husband is cheating anymore but he has gone back to his porn addiction which means he can’t get it up with me, if we try to have regular sex, he doesn’t stay hard because all he wants and thinks about it anal which I won’t do! Yes I tried but got two bladder infections even being as carfeul as I can, it’s just not for me. I told him to let someone do it to him and see if he likes it!

  • Gimlet April 25, 2012, 9:54 AM

    Lisa, I wonder if these guys knew they would loose thei abilities to get an erection if they would think before they get into the internet porn sites and all the other ones like dating and hook up sites. It’s just so stupid.Ugh.

    • Jewels April 28, 2012, 8:36 AM

      LisaP/Gimlet – Very interesting, Gimlet I wonder if they would stop as well. Porn is so easy, it’s a click away. I wonder if the increase in Viagra is due to the porn, because now men need more stimulating. And I wonder what impact that is having in the bedroom like LisaP said. We were not wired to see that much sexual stimulation, I wonder how much of that is causing the problems in the bedroom and in our marriages. It’s all a viscous scary cycle that is interrelated. And once someone starts watching porn and gets that extra focused stimulation, as a wife, how do you get it to stop. Gimlet, how are things going with Derrick and his addiction? LisaP, with your husband, does he know that you know that he is back to porn?

  • gimlet May 10, 2012, 10:26 AM

    Jewels, to answer your question, things are better with my husband. He has not been watching porn to my knowledge and is, let’s say more responsive to normal stimulus. He still has some porn induced ED and he also takes blood pressure meds so that can contribute to it. The problem is when we try to have intercourse only and it makes me feel so insecure even though he is very responsive otherwise and we manage to have good sex regardless. I do wish things would get back to normal so I could stop having these doubts. I either feel inadequate or that maybe he is watching porn on the sly. I don’t really think he is but still can’t help having occasional doubts.

  • Dorothy May 17, 2012, 3:08 PM

    I, too, thought that I would never be writing on a site like this. I have been married for 42 years as of yesterday. I found out in November 2011that my husband has had one emotional affair, 2 “love” affairs and 4 one-night stands (met on Yahoo site). One affair was with a secretary and lasted 8 years. The latest was a 6 month affair with a woman met through work contacts. I am heart-broken and devastated. I caught him texting the latest women and he spilled his guts to me. This is a Christian man–deacon of the church and the father of my three grown children. As soon as I found out, he made an appointment with a therapist for marriage counseling–he tells me he loves me and that he has come clean. I cannot stop the images in my brain, I cannot stop the pain and I cannot stop the anger. I want to get better. The therapist and my husband are saying that I should be getting better–almost 6 months now; but the devastation continues. I love him and want to work this out. He says that he has felt lonely and unloved for half of our marriage. I am trying but am worried that I am not healing fast enough. What should I do? How can I stop the pain?

  • Joan May 18, 2012, 1:53 AM

    Dorothy,

    I too have been married for 42 years and found out about my husband’s infidelity in Sept. of 2011. He claims it was over a 3 week period with a young girl of 27 years of age back in 2004. They worked together and would have sex in her car after work. He was 58 at the time. (I said to my therapist what would a 27 year old girl have in common with a married man who is close to 60 years old?) It totally threw me. I was never attracted to older men when I was in my 20’s. I feel my husband did everything in his power to lure her to him. He said they fooled aroung in work and he would touch her arm, tease her, and touch her back. He tempted her as far as I am concerned.

    I have my good and bad days. I feel my husband has a lot of anger towards me because I found out about his infidelity through his medical records. He thought he was free and clear until we picked up those records to transfer to another doctor in 2011. I was so shocked when I read that he had visited his doctor in 2004 because he thought he had an STD. I guess in a way I’m lucky that it happened so long ago and i was never aware of what was going on. Most of the women on this site are dealing with the present day Other Woman.

    I don’t know when the ball is going to drop. Some days we get along fine, other days not so good. I have been a good wife. My children are also grown.
    They know nothing about this and I don’t really feel they need to know right now.

    I don’t know how you can stop the pain or the anger. All I can say is that when I take care of myself and my needs I feel good. I look at my husband as someone who needs to have attention and needs to be liked or validated. Ibelieve he has very low self esteem and needs the attention from women. And I told him this. He didn’t feel good when I said this to him but I feel it is the truth. He thinks he’s quite handsome and all women look at thim. This is partially true, but they don’t know who he really is, his personality, etc.
    He told me he went with her because she liked him and it became like a drug. It was more fun thinking about what was going to happen after work than it was actually having sex.

    I wish I could help you but remember that you are not alone. I do understand how you feel. The reason why I am writing to you is because we are older and I know how hard it is to start over at our age.

    I still don’t know if I will ever be happy again and if I will ever have the courage to leave at the age of 62.

  • Dorothy May 18, 2012, 8:56 AM

    Joan,
    Thank you for the note…I, too, don’t know how to start over at 60 years old…and I don’t really want to…but if there is EVER another incident of cheating…I will have to. I do have great support at work–all but one of my co-workers has had a cheating husband and ALL are divorced from that husband. One is remarried and the rest are single and not looking for another man. My husband hooked up with women about 30 years younger than me. It has done great damage to my self-esteem. I think these women were interested in my husband because he has a somewhat prestigious job–they were attracted to the power and the money. The worst part is that I was stupid and had no idea anything was going on. I trusted him with my life and that trust has been destroyed. I made my husband call and tell all the children and his family. I knew I couldn’t live without them knowing. The children (3 boys) were deeply disappointed and hurt, but are moving on much better than I am. The middle child does have some resentment because he was in a relationship that ended because of cheating and he knows how it feels. I am worried that I am “stuck” in a stage of resentment and I don’t want to live like that. And I still love him, which I don’t even understand.
    Anyway, thanks for the note. It is helpful to talk to people who know how devastating this is.

    • Jewels May 29, 2012, 10:38 PM

      Hello Joan and Dorothy,

      Welcome to the site. First you are so not alone, I have interacted with literally hundreds of women on this site that have been married for 30+ years. I do think as men get older, they sometimes get this thing in there head and need to feel like they still ‘got it’. Looks change and they get insecure, and unfortunately the wife can not give them the validation because you were with him while he was young, he needs to know he still is hot stuff at his current age, which is where a 27 year old comes in. Doesn’t matter how she looks or personality, all he sees is young, I still got it. It’s unfortunate and yes it smacks the wife right in the self-esteem, because we all get insecure as we get older.

      A couple of things to both of you, this has nothing to do with you, your role as a wife, and what type of person you are. It is not personal, I know you are probably thinking it is personal! But what I am trying to say is you could of been having sex with him everyday, whispering sweet nothings in his ear, and he still would of cheated because it is something within his mind that felt the need to be validated, outside of you.

      Just because he cheated, does not mean it is over, at the same time, I do not like to hear you being miserable either. The recovery journey process is slow, it takes time. If you have the time of husband that is remorseful and willing to go to counseling to discover the why and work through it with you, then you might have a shot. I know many couples that have been married a while, adultery crept in the marriage, and worked like crazy to rebuild the marriage, and in the process discovered depths of the relationship they never knew.

      The last bit I will leave you with is something that Joan said that was very important. Take care of yourself. This is the time to discover how to gain your own confidence and not be as dependent on your husband for self-esteem as you were in the past. This is a good thing. I just wrote my latest post about this. How do you do it – start small, just small actions everyday in doing things just because it pleases you. It might be eating lunch at your favorite restaurant – just because you like it. Going to walk in the park, because it feels good. Learn to do this on your own, and what you will find is a strength you never had. Take baby steps, and it will not seem so overwhelming. Virtual hugs to both of you!

  • Dorothy May 31, 2012, 2:45 PM

    Thanks, Jewels…and thanks for this site. Sometimes we just need to vent or somewhere to “put” the hurt. Some days are good and some are not so good; it is an on-going process that will hopefully lead to forgiveness and happiness.

    • Jewels May 31, 2012, 10:11 PM

      You’re welcome, take care!

  • MrsVain August 8, 2012, 9:39 PM

    I am at a loss. I have been reading these stories hoping to find an answer that will help me and it is so discouraging to read stories about women who have been faithfully married for many years to find out their husbands have been cheating on them. My story is a little different, kind of but still the same. We have been having problems for 6 years out of a 11 year marry. on mothers day 2010 he moved out after a night of a mean drunk. we stayed apart until thanksgiving 2011. he was in the process of moving in with some meth head when i panicked and begged him to come home. he also admited in october, that he had cheated on me when we separated 5 1/2 years ago (when i was 7 months pregnant, for 4 months) and again this time we separated at the beginning of the 2011 year. i decided to take him back anyway. we have 5 kids, oldest 25 youngest 5. at first he didnt want to come back, but his excuse was that i would never let him live this down. so i promised to never speak of it again.

    now it has been 10 months and this is eating me alive. i have so many questions, and so many worries. i dont trust him because amongst everything else he lies to me constantly. i dont believe him, and worry everytime i come home for lunch and he is not home. i have “that feeling” all the time. he never wants me going thru his cell phone and when i do i find all sorts of unfamiliar number. called a few and it is always a female that answers. idk what to think but ya…i am going crazy.

    i guess i feel like he didnt fight for me. that he didnt seem to care that we were not together, all he did was drink and mess up the whole time we were apart. he never tried to make it work although he continued to give me money the whole time and fix certain things for us, go to the zoo and outings with us. he did flirt and pursue this woman, not that it was hard to chase after a druggie who doesnt have any kind of life at all. i am guessing they didnt have sex until the very end. he never even had the balls to tell me that he found someone new. all he did was text me that she was there with him and that i needed to talk to her. then all she did was say hateful things to me but never said yes or no about if she was with him or having sex with him. he let her say all sorts of hatefully things to me, to put me down, she would text from his phone, she threatened me and everything while he just sat there and let her.

    i dont know why he came home, i dont know what to do, i dont know how to talk to him, i dont know how to continue without talking to him about the things that bother me the most. we basically dont talk about anything. i am hurting so bad but i promised not to bring it up.

    • Jewels August 8, 2012, 10:16 PM

      MrsVain,

      I can tell you are such a trustworthy person. What is very interesting to note is that you are willing to put yourself through so much pain emotionally to keep up a promise that you made to your husband, but isn’t it ironic that he did not keep his promise to you by cheating? Just something to think about.

      I believe the promise was not to bring up his past infidelity.If his current actions are causing you pain, that is something totally different from the promise to not bring up the past. If his current actions are causing you pain, I think you have a right to tell him, I am hurting, your lies are hurting me. When I caught my ex-husband in a lie, it would crush me. I think you are putting everything associated to the affair past and future into this ‘I can not bring it up’ bucket when really in my opinion the deal was not to bring up his past affair. You know your husband better than me, and you have to make the decision as to what to do next, but I think bringing up the lying that he is currently doing is not breaking the promise.

      But before you go into conversations with him, remember one thing – you can not change his nor it is your job to do so. I use to go into conversations with my ex-husband with the hope that I could say something to change his ways, and I learned the hard truth that you can only change one person – yourself. So make sure through this process you think about your wants and needs as well, take care of yourself and take a deep breath, you and the kids will be ok.

  • chelsie September 22, 2012, 7:49 PM

    I happened to be organizing some bins and found two receipts for expensive bouquets that my 50 year old husband sent to a 28 year old from the local store. Then I checked his work phone and sure enough, her number was listed as a contact. I didn’t see the signs prior. He didn’t have unaccounted for time, didn’t travel for work, no lipstick on the collar, still had plenty of drive in him. The primary sign was that our marriage was not perfect. He has always been a tough nut to crack, kind of defensive, the introvert to me being the extrovert, simply not the most personable of persons but somehow we found common ground, values in common, common goals and I was raised on lots of love and patience and I was delusional that those attributes would affect him in the most positive of ways. So even when he was a turd and not attentive to MY needs, I stayed beside him rather than put myself and children through the difficulty of a divorce. And trust me, there were oftentimes I wanted to sell him at the fire sale. I was the glue of the family all the time!!!!! How taxing it was at times. So it was a shock to find the receipts and initially hear his made up stories and then finally say that he had made a mistake (no, it was a choice) and she was just a friend. He has stated he didnt’ call her but HER NUMBER is listed as contact. Generally believe one has to save it in order for it to be a contact. She is no longer in the area and I cannot get hold on that number. Someone else answers it and is unaware of this gal. Like it is a wrong number now. HUH? He claims they never touched, just conversation in the store. He states sorry but I just can’t believe him. His answers seem too convenient. I also found the number of a gal named Shannon with two brief conversations, her telling him thank you for all the advice and compliments. He is claiming this is a wrong number!!!! But again, it is listed as a contact. Am I wrong on this? and why would he delete these numbers and messages now? What to hide now? I contacted shannon and she is “dumbfounded” as to who and why these messages.
    If I could divorce today I would do so in a heartbeat but financially it would be pretty tough. This is a horrible feeling!!!!!!!! Any thoughts?

    • Jewels September 25, 2012, 1:58 AM

      Chelsie,

      Trust your instinct, but do so strategically. Meaning that he has given you two excuses for why he is contacting women, and the stories in your opinion don’t add up, you feel something isn’t right, it’s just not adding up for you, which typically means something might be off with the situation. I know you feel you are in a position where financially you can’t leave, which is fine. Watch and observe, and be thinking about a game plan if you do in fact find out more. As a wife, I would let him know, I would say, I understand that you had two women’s number in your phone, and that you say nothing happened. Fine. I think you are hiding some information from me. If I find out you are, or if I ever find out that you are not being faithful, there will be consequences. Say this with calm and ease, you are just letting him know that if something is going on, you will not just say ‘ok, no problem’. There are always consequences for actions. I would refrain from saying ‘I will leave or it’s over’ because you don’t know if that will be the final outcome (I said this and didn’t leave until a year after I said I would). I wouldn’t focus too much on trying to catch him in a lie or cheating, focus on what your plan will be if you do. As far as his actions, slow down and ask life to show you your husbands intentions. I tried and tried to know for sure if my husband was still cheating, to the point where it consumes me. I finally gave up, and told my husband, I am going to stop bothering you about this, what’s done is done, I won’t bring it up anymore, but if I find out you are still seeing her, it’s over. Then I relinquished control of having to know and asked life (the universe/god/your faith) to show me the answer. A week later the OW contacted me, and told me they were still seeing each other, months after I thought it was over. If he is still doing something, you will know, but sometimes we are so focused on finding the truth that we can’t see it. Take Care, hugs to you.

  • chelsie September 25, 2012, 5:15 PM

    Joan,
    My husband also gets the ego boost from anyone, especially women, that think he is much younger than he is. I got the strong indication that was how his EA started. I have always felt he suffered from low self esteem due to his upbringing from a mother that wasn’t very loving, affectionate or nurturing. And as stated, I was delusional to think I could make up for all that he didn’t get growing up, and even now as an adult. Clearly, I was not enough for him. He had underlying issues. Ironically, he was going to IC to address those issues when the EA occured. So much for IC. Certainly doesn’t give me much faith in IC or MC.
    I told him in the past that he ultimately pushes the most significant people in his life away because of his words and actions. He needed to be more careful about those words and actions. And I was always there to help in this area. He also stated, and to this day states, how fortunate I am to come from such a closeknit, loving family, who also embraces him. Well, he has ultimately pushed me so far away, I don’t see how he can ever repair the damage he has done. Currently, the children (teens and young adult) and extended family and friends are not aware of his indiscretions. If they knew I am pretty sure they would be equally disappointed, disgusted, disdained. (why am I protecting him still?) I would have always been the last person in his court, but that is no longer. He has succeeded in pushing me away.
    Jewels, great advice. I agree, all his answers don’t add up which usually means there is a lie (more lies) somewhere. I have been consumed with trying to find more, put the few pieces together to get the real picture. I hit walls because his phone is owned by the company he works for and I cannot access past usage details unless I request it from the company. (not ready to go to that point just yet) The EAP is now married and out of the area. That is where my leads end. It is horrible to be grasping at straws in this manner. It really has lowered me to a level I never expected to be at.
    I DO need to ‘relinquish control of having to know’ and find the strength and fortitude to wait and listen and accept the answers that will guide me to the right decisions. Thank you for advice. And hugs to all that are BS.

  • chelsie September 27, 2012, 1:10 AM

    I think he is very worried that I will leave him and he will be in a lifelong financial rut to me. Well, too bad for him if that is the route I eventually take. I think he is very worried b/c he comes home every day from work and wants to talk things out, which always leads to nowhere and frustration over again, and into the cycle of him apologizing the following day for his words and actions from the previous night.
    Some things that have occured in these conversations and what I am up against:
    -pointing a finger at me that over 20 years ago he didn’t like the way I interacted with a neighbor (OMG, talk about grasping at straws)
    -the wrong number of Shannon, well he has totally changed the text conversation and will not admit to the real conversation, and now even goes to the point of trying to say that maybe there were two wrong numbers with texts that were saved in his cell
    -and of course, I am 50% to blame for this b/c I was the one that pulled away from him and even though in one breath he says ‘she was just a friend, can’t I have a friend to talk to when I go into a store,’ he then goes back to me pulling away from him so he has to seek out someone else. Well there you go! She was fulfilling your needs which indicates it had to be more to him than just conversing with her while in the store. If I wasn’t listening to him and he couldn’t talk to me (his exact words) then this would mean that he was seeking her out for his fulfillment (if even emotional as he claims it was not physical). And so sorry to dwell on the flowers but they are the prime indicator that there had to be something more or the intent or hope of something more. It took time and effort and money for him to go the florist and have them ordered for her.
    -But each time he minimalizes the flowers. “they were nothing” NO, flowers are NOT nothing.
    -tonight he made the comment that “this was over and done with a year ago, and besides she is married now so I wouldn’t contact her and turn her marriage into a train wreck, I wouldn’t do that to her” This really bothered me b/c he is concerned to NOT turn her new marriage into a train wreck but it was okay to do this to me and turn our marriage into a train wreck.
    When I wouldn’t give him a direct answer as to how I want to proceed with this relationship, he then says that gives him a clear indication that I am the one that is willing to derail this family. Oh, and he will not leave the house and he will fight for everything that is his. NICE.
    You have no idea how much I appreciate having this forum to vent my feelings and what I go thru each day. I have internalized everything b/c I can’t go to anyone just yet with this. If I stay with him…..I know I will be considered weak. If I leave him, the timing needs to be right, which means sticking it out here longer than I wish to, simply to get myself into a better financial position and again, others that are not in this position have no idea.

    • Jewels September 30, 2012, 3:22 AM

      Hello Chelise,

      You will not be considered weak if you stay, at least not to anyone who has been in your shoes, and the people that haven’t, who cares about them anyway lol. Especially in your case, you are analyzing your situation and doing what is right for you at the time, I always tell women if you just found out, do not make any marriage decisions, it’s way too soon. Take some time to get your emotional state back in some type of order and then reassess next steps, I stayed over a year after my husband cheated, I have a hard time seeing how I could afford living on my own, but in time, I felt more comfortable and left.

      Also, that line (yes line), or if you leave you will be the one derailing the family….my husband used that one as well. Don’t buy it. He is doing that to make you feel bad. He cheated, and if life, when you cheat, in that moment, the family is derailed, you are derailed, the foundation is derailed. Your choice to leave if you choose is simply a consequence of his action to cheat.

      It seems like he has not taken full responsibility for his actions, which is a very difficult position to be in as a wife (I have been there!). I remember those days where every argument turned into something I didn’t do right. I left feeling like I cheated him (oh yes I got that line as well, or you cheated as well when you talked to so and so 2 years ago…really. I can say ‘Really?’ now but at the time the constant blame really hurt.

      So hang in there, watch him, and do what is best for you. Take Care.

  • chelsie October 1, 2012, 6:33 PM

    Jewels, Thank you so much for all of your words of wisdom. Your can’t imagaine how much they help.
    Not that this is so important right now and that I should feel the need to defend myself but after reading something on another post about sexually satisfying your man……..I TRIED! He was very difficult to please in this area and only one thing got him off. Did I give it to him, yes, but did I want to give it to him all the time, H@#$%^&* NO. That wasn’t fair to expect that of me all the time.
    He claims this ‘friendship’ was only that, and never got to the point of anything physical. But when we were talking about things the other day, he makes the usual comment, “We both have to work on this. If you’d just give me what I need.” And I knew he was only talking about a certain sexual act! Not about the nitty gritty of our relationship, about listening to each other, doing and saying sweet nothings for each other, reestablishing trust. So what, after destroying the trust, he is expecting me to want to be sexual with him and everything will be better.
    I asked him if he ever felt any guilt or remorse or the need to confess to me. He said it didn’t occur to him. That saddens me.
    And a post also resonates with me…..They don’t stop the relationship b/c they just love the wife so much. It generally stops for some other reason. I don’t really know why this relationship didn’t go any further and why it really stopped when it did. But I am pretty certain it wasn’t b/c of his commitment to me or his family and that is very painful to admit.
    I also have the gut feeling that had I not found those receipts and phone number, (numbers), he would have found someone else to boost his ego in the future.
    Oh, and he says to me…..”I can’t help it if people think I’m a lot younger than I am. I’ll be very careful for now on. If someone tries to talk to me I’ll just politely find a way to make an exit from the conversation. Sorry, I can’t talk to you.”
    What a cheeseball. So let’s now make it seem like I am controlling him from talking to random people (which would not be so random as opposed to gals half his age). This whole “just a friend” doesn’t hold water b/c he is a huge introvert and the few friends he has are all males or friends that are married couples that we interact with together. He always says that he has all the friends he needs, he doesn’t need to have a bunch more to make him whole.
    We HAD respect for each other and trusted each other and didn’t have to set up CONTROLS. Until he destroyed it all.

    • Jewels October 4, 2012, 1:11 AM

      Hi Chelsie,

      Thanks for your support. It’s so interesting how the person who was in the wrong tries so hard to justify and blame you for their actions. It does sound silly when you write it seems like you are controlling me from talking to random people. It gets to that crazy point where they go on the deep end with the statements, like we are ‘uber crazy wife’ lol. They will say whatever then need to make themselves feel better, as long as you know that is what is going on, you will be ok. Many people who have cheated play this game to make themselves feel better. Don’t buy it. Of course a younger person can talk to him, but he is in total control of what to do next. As married women we handle this all the time, our men should be able to handle it by now as well. I hope you are doing ok this week, hugs to you!!

  • Dorothy October 4, 2012, 2:11 PM

    I want to know if any of you are “obsessed” with the women (or woman) your man was with? I feel like these women need to be punished–for forsaking our gender, for cheating on their own spouses and cheating on us with our husbands. I send emails and facebook messages under different identities–but they “know” who it is. It will be a year in Thanksgiving….but I still want them to pay. How do I put this all behind me?

  • chelsie October 4, 2012, 3:40 PM

    Dorothy,
    I don’t harbor ill feelings toward the OW. I put this all on my H. I don’t have all the facts, I don’t know what he told her, but what I do know is that he is a married man and he sent her flowers and had her personal number in his phone. He made the choice to show interest in her even though he was married. HE rejected ME. HE cheated ME. She has no obligation towards me, but HE does.
    Even if this had been physical, I still would put it all on him. HE is my husband, not her.
    If she knew about me, knew he was married and still flirted with him, then sorry for her that she has no morals and she is so desperate that she felt the need to flirt with a married man.
    You cannot put this behind you. It will always be with you, like a pin-prick, even if you get counseling, work things out, etc. He can become the best husband on the face of the earth and it will still be with you. Rejection and actions like this can not go away. Hopefully they can be minimized over time. I can’t really say from experience since this is all new to me.
    I can only suggest you work on being the best person you can be and don’t stoop to their level.
    BTW, I have tried to get more info and am curious just what made her so appealing to him, and want the truth of what HE did, but that is where it stops.
    What I do know is that she was not educated, worked for a low level minimum wage job, was divorced or already divorced from another older man, had a young son and some baggage from that marriage. As far as her looks, I don’t know. I know she was so surprised to find out my husband’s age and that was it…….his ego went through the roof. According to him she always approached him when he entered the store, even with my kids in tow, so she must have known he had a female in his life. But of course, she didn’t send him flowers, HE sent her flowers.
    Good luck.

  • chelsie October 4, 2012, 3:42 PM

    I asked my H……”What if I secretly made the janitor of the school his favorite pie? What would you think? What would your reaction be?”
    It got him to think a bit more, to sympathize some, but still……

  • Dorothy October 4, 2012, 3:46 PM

    Chelsie:
    My husband has flat out told me, that if I had cheated on him with 8 other men, he would not be with me!

  • chelsie October 4, 2012, 8:45 PM

    Dorothy,
    My h said he would go and kick the other man’s a@##$%%^. That would be his gut reaction.
    He admits to feeling really bad for the way I am feeling now, acknowledging that he has hurt me badly. He has no idea how to repair things. He says this will not happen again. He was stupid. He thinks that giving me space right now is the best thing for him to do, to let me simmer down a bit.
    I guess if it were me that did this and hurt someone so badly, I would be doing everything possible to try to make it up to that person. I would make that person THE PRIORITY and do the house cleaning, laundry, whatever responsibilities with the kids, dinners, movies, you name it, it would run the gamut, just to start and show some little effort. Just making small talk isn’t doing it. I am not interested in the mundane small talk any more, we did that prior to all this happening. I didn’t ask for much from him so now, MAKE UP FOR IT. and give ME EVERYTHING and then SOME. Actions, not just words.
    Sounds kind of materialistic, which is so not me, but this time I want both, the little things and the big things.
    And this isn’t out of bitterness, either.
    I compared this pain to one other that I had and that lives with me every day. That was the pain of losing my mother.

  • Dorothy October 4, 2012, 9:15 PM

    I just found out today that my 92 year old mom has bone cancer. She lives with us. My husband is out of town on business–yes, it kills me when he goes out of town–because he got some of the women off of Yahoo….one nite stands.
    I feel that the husbands should be doing everything…just like you said..mine was fairly good at first, but now he says i should be over it…it will be a year at Thanksgiving. He says I LIKE being the victim. He cheated on me for 8 years and I was so stupid I had no idea….yet i don’t even get a full year to try to cope with all of this. I am so tired and so stressed.

  • chelsie October 4, 2012, 11:01 PM

    Dorothy,
    I am so sorry to hear about your mother. This would be one of the most important times for you to have a support, that someone (who should be your husband) to be a soft place to fall when you need to. And it feels so hollow when you don’t feel confident that you have that. I sure hope he will be there for you and your mother.
    I think that is so unrealistic to expect you to be ‘over it’ in only a year. Like I stated, it will always be with you. It never really goes away. I am not surprised to hear your husband make those comments. That is his way of trying to absolve himself. Don’t fall for it.
    Ha, ‘like being the victim.’ This is one of the worst things I have ever been through……the loss of appetite, weight loss, the more gray hairs, the inability to sleep, the inability to focus, the overwhelming sadness that consumes you……..there is Nothing enjoyable about any of this. Wish were it so easy to pull out of this.

  • Joan October 5, 2012, 1:06 AM

    Chelsie,

    I haven’t written a post in a very long time but do read these post 2-3 times a week. I don’t know why I do, sometimes it just brings me down but other times it helps to see that there are other women who are experiencing the same feelings both good and bad. You commented on my post on Sept. 25th.
    I am now 63, my husband 66. He cheated when he was 57 with a 27 year old back in 2003. (She was living with a 50 year old, so my husband says.) I was totally oblivious to his cheating at that time, but it is amazing that I can go back to that year and remember all of his actions and how out of character they were. It never occurred to me at that time that his actions were a result of his cheating. For example, I was out of town for a week in April of 2003, his father was on his deathbed in a hospital, (died a week later), and my husband never went to visit him that whole week. When I got off the plane I asked how his father was and he said he hadn’t gone to the hospital. I couldn’t believe it, but didn’t want to push the issue. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe he couldn’t handle it by himself. Little did I know that my husband probably spent every night with a 27 year old. When I found out about his cheating I told him he not only cheated on me, he also cheated on his father. He didn’t like that comment. He would also come home from work on occasion and go straight into the shower, so out of character for him. I remember expecting him to walk into the kitchen and when he didn’t I would go looking and find him in the bathroom, door closed, and in the shower. I thought it was strange, but never thought he was cheating. He always came straight to the dinner table. Never questioned him. Another time I found a long blonde hair in his car, thought “Oh this must be my daughter’s”, never thought he had a girl in the car. It makes me very angry to think that I was so trusting.

    I am just trying to say that if there are actions that are out of character you need to investigate what is going on. I would do anything to go back to those years just so I could catch him in the act. He could never get away with this again, I see his every move (we are both retired.) It is ok that I live like this.
    I love who I am, I have two wonderful close sisters (whom I’ve told), a very good best friend (whom I’ve told), and 3 brothers whom I am close to who live in NY. I live my life every day for me. He can come along if he likes. What he did will never hurt me again. Occasionally my sisters and I will get together and bring up some topic in conversation and he will look at my brother in law and say “more secrets?” And I will look at him and say “Look who’s talking about secrets.” It gets him every time.

    He has given me the name of the girl, but I can’t find her anywhere. My friend says he didn’t give me the correct name. Most likely this is true.

    In ending, Chelses, do not ignore any signs that are not the ususal behavior.
    They do mean something. My ignorance is my only regret. His cheating has made him the bad person, not me.

    My husband still today enjoys talking to women of all ages, 22, 30, 40, 58.
    Most of the time I will walk away in the middle of the conversation and leave him standing there alone to carry on a conversation about nothing as far as I am concerned. He still loves the attention. And he will then follow me with his tail between his legs and ask why I walked away. And I’ll say, I had no interest in talking about that subject, or to those people.

    I’m hoping that he will grow up some day and live by what his heart tells him to do and not his ego.

  • chelsie October 7, 2012, 8:19 PM

    I have always told my H that I am easily pleased by the small things. (of course, I like the big things, too) I made it clear to him way back when that it made me happy to hand hold. Well, did he ever, NO. Talk about not having needs met.
    This past Friday we went to a football game and he tried to hold my hand. This should have made me so happy but after 23 years of not getting this I gave up and now, instead of it making me oh so happy, it felt so unnatural. It made me sad. It made me sad b/c it made me think of what could have been. Look where we are now.
    Still thinking about his actions and time line, I realized that I had a very serious medical emergency and ended up in the hospital overnight, not knowing fully what all was going on with my body, knowing that I would need to have further tests run, and that it was a week later that he sent his EAP the flowers. This really got me to think……what was he thinking at that time. His concerns should have been solely with me, but clearly NOT.
    And his claim of “just a friend” makes this timing seem so NOT ‘just a friend.’
    So I approached this with him and he stonewalled me, saying he has already answered and told me that the flowers meant nothing and she was just a friend. He would not discuss this with me. And of course, I am again pushing things and putting up that wall and that doesn’t make things any better.
    He just doesn’t get it……it has been only a month and a half since I found out about this and I am to start moving on so easily……..
    He even uses the phrase that he has ‘brushed her under the rug.’ Okay for him but for me I am left so in the dark of the true nature of this relationship. Where exactly did everything go so wrong? So many questions unanswered.

  • chelsie October 13, 2012, 11:53 PM

    My H has a work cell phone and it is pretty much impossible to trace his calls. Originally, I found the contacts but no messages or records of any calls to her or vice versa. This led me to believe that they didn’t text, but spoke over the phone. And since this was over a year ago, I figured other texts were obsolete. He has adamantly denied calling her, only one time and it was in regards to products from the store. I didn’t believe this for a second but had no other real proof that he had called her for personal reasons.
    I haven’t questioned him since the last time I posted, until today. Because today I found a text that he sent her on her b-day. It was May of this year and it simply read, Happy Birthday. As simple as it was, it was still crushing b/c it proved to me that he has indeed been lying to my face and holes are popping through a few of his claims. Once again, a simple deceit but a huge blow. I again gave him the opportunity to lay it all out and he searched and searched his phone for the text and couldn’t find it and stood his ground that he wasn’t going around calling her. OMG. Stop already.
    He just thinks that b/c he didn’t sleep with her that it wasn’t even an emotional affair. Obviously he shared things with her, such as his sucky upbringing and family and he even knew her birthday. I am wondering if he sent her flowers for her birthday.
    He made a comment that he would never think of contacting her b/c she is married. Well, he did attempt to contact her for her birthday. And I am pretty sure she isn’t married. Hmmmm….how many lies now?
    We went right back to square one, rehashing the same things but this time he really poured it on when he AGAIN accused me of ‘something’ 20 years ago. I NEVER had any other interests, didn’t flirt, send mixed signals to anyone 20 years ago or ever. But he is so grasping at me being as low as him.
    The way he phrased it was as if we had actually established that I had cheated with someone else. At this point I could no longer contain myself! I totally started yelling at him (not one to really yell) and even picked up the cauldron of halloween candy and threw it and threw the candy at him. Yes, I acted like a crazy witch and I am sure throwing the candy was really comical. But it sure felt good at the time.
    I actually pity him. He is just pathetic to me. He won’t be able to keep track of his lies, he is so desperate to try to work things out with me when in reality I know it is not out of love, it is out of his financial necessity.
    He is giving me my space and all I think is just how long, how long, how long, how long can two people live this way b/c no space in the world will make his lies right with me.

  • chelsie October 14, 2012, 6:14 PM

    Regarding my post yesterday…..I had been praying and being patient for signs or information to come to me, and I believe that that little phone message was a sign. I don’t feel vindicated, there is nothing to gloat about, it adds to the pain I am already enduring. At the bare minimum, it just showed that he won’t tell me truth about the degree of their involvement. If he called her every day, let me know; if he called her once a month, tell me. But lying still, ugh……….

  • Dorothy October 14, 2012, 6:56 PM

    I think you would be more satisfied if you knew the real truth. Do you have a way to contact this woman to get information? My husband told me the whole truth (I think) and at least I knew what I was dealing with. However, I am still resentful and want these women to pay. Karma. I know. But it is hard to wait and sometimes I think Karma never happens.

  • chelsie October 14, 2012, 10:37 PM

    Dorothy,
    At this time I don’t feel resentment towatd the OW. I don’t know what he told her, if she knew he was married, if he was the pursuer or her. He sent her flowers. Seems like he was pursuing her. If he was lying to her, how can I be resentful towards her?
    She no longer works at the store. The cell number now belongs to someone else that claims when he bought the phone he was given a ‘reusable’ number, her old number. I have no idea if this is possible. I don’t get that at all.
    If that is the case wouldn’t he be getting lots of calls for her. That would be irritating to me.
    I agree, Dorothy, I just want the truth and not to be lied to anymore. No more secrets, but I think he must be hiding more b/c he knows I would not have a good reaction, but I don’t see how I can ever move on with him without truth.
    I am glad your H told you. That shows respect towards you and what your needs are.

    • Jewels October 15, 2012, 12:44 AM

      Hi Chelsie,

      The lies are SOOO frustrating, I remember those days and kept saying to myself – really? You are still lying after all of this? I took is so personal. And yes my husband played that game of ‘you are cheating as well’ to me too, don’t buy it, that angered me to no end, you cheat, and instead of trying to work it out you accuse me of cheating. Anyways, continue to ask for signs that will point you towards the direction that you should be going, take care…..

  • chelsie October 15, 2012, 9:31 AM

    Dorothy,
    I do know there are people out there that get involved with married people, knowing that the other person is married. Of course, I think very little of a person that would do that.
    And I do believe that what comes around goes around and at some point, a person WILL BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE for his/her actions. One day.
    I’ve read so much about this topic lately. What frustrates me so much is the idea that “we are both to blame” and “we both now have to work on the marriage.” I read this from so many parties, parties that are supposedly objective to the subject.
    Our society is so de-sensitized to the lack of moral character that it seems anything goes and there is a label for what caused the behavior. Why do we not call a spade a spade. No, we have to create some lame diagnosis for BAD behavior.
    Whatever happened to an adulterer wearing the scarlet letter? NO fault divorce, ha. Yes, it was his fault, he cheated. He destroyed the marriage by his final act of betrayal.
    But no, we get fed lines of ‘it takes two.’
    And trust me, I get that there are marriages in which both parties are at each other all the time, totally not compatible, but still, end the marriage, make some type of agreement for an open marriage if it is not financially possible to divorce, but to cheat. NO. That just adds another layer to an already bad situation. And I am not referring to my marriage. Just in general.
    I worked at making this marriage work, and now I have to work even harder b/c he cheated. I don’t even think it was b/c I wasn’t a good wife, b/c I was. It was simply that he wanted more and more and it was a thrill that a 28 year old found him so attractive and desirable. He also preyed on her vulnerablities, poor unhappy soul that she was. He likes offering advice to the younger set and she ate it up. And they fed off each other. That is just what I am thinking, not really knowing for sure.
    Ah, venting can be theraputic.

  • chelsie October 22, 2012, 12:09 AM

    This is very, very difficult to admit, and as I proceed in my post, I hope I don’t come off as selfish and materialistic.
    I know deep down in my heart that I no longer want to stay with this person. He betrayed me and the day he decided to do so, our marriage was over. POINT BLANK. DONE.
    I feel strongly about this b/c his betrayal speaks volumes about his true feelings towards me. He obviously cared so little about me that he engaged in a new relationship with another woman. I don’t think today his true feelings are any different about me. I am no different today than I was a year ago when he was engaged in his EA. He disregarded me and our marriage like an old sock.
    That is a difficult thing to admit, that I am totally done with this marriage. I don’t want to work on it, reconcile. It isn’t as though we had an argument about what color to paint the house or putting the cap on the tube of toothpaste. Those are issues that you can work on. For me, his cheating was as though I was a piece of poop an the bottom of his shoe.
    I can’t get over that.
    The second issue I have is how to proceed from here. And this is where I will probably not get so much understanding, but if so, do share and even if not, still share.
    I have been married to this person just shy of 24 years. When we planned for children we agreed that I would stay home to raise them. I did so, and at the same time always found little ways to supplement the family income. Currently, I am working a part time job, but it has only been one year that I am enrolled in a retirement plan and it is very minimal.
    Speaking to an attorney, I would have to chose, keep the family home or get half his retirement, and the attorney strongly suggested half the retirement.
    This puts me in a tough position. Even if I were to eventually get full time employment, I would still not be in the best financial position. And this would include spousal support. What this would do is cause me to be working for the remainder of my golden years. (I am only 47 but you get what I mean) This was sooo not the plan. In fact, I have worked our financial situation so that our home would be paid off in a shorter amount of time so that H would not have to work till 72, instead be able to retire at a younger age and be comfortable and we’d enjoy those golden years doing fun stuff together. That WAS our goal. ha, ha, ha
    I don’t want to be one of those older ladies waiting tables at Denny’s. Just to survive. Just to get by.
    That scares the heck out of me. All I have sacrificed and worked for, gone. Only to spend those golden years struggling.

  • chelsie October 24, 2012, 3:22 AM

    I went to see a counselor today. I needed to be able to talk to someone about all of this. This was the first person I’ve openly spoken to about this. I was worried I would fall apart, but I held it together.
    By the time I left the appt. I was able to also openly admit that I am now checked out of this marriage. I’ve typed this, but to hear myself say those words out loud…….uh.
    It was not a relief, just a sad reality.
    I went home and I think my H was expecting a totally different response as to how the session went. (I went during the day, while he was at work. )
    I told him that I had dealt with a lot from him, and still could have, but my limit was cheating. That was a deal breaker for me, and he had succeeded this time in breaking me. I could not see myself trying to put this now very broken marriage back together. He had ultimately made the decision to check out of our marriage the day he began his EA with her, he decided to no longer be in love with me, to no longer care about me.
    What I see from him is that originally he admitted that he had made a mistake, it wouldn’t happen again, he did hurt me. But I just haven’t been convinced of his remorse b/c he has convinced himself that “it was nothing, never was, never did grow into anything. He told her there was just too much of an age difference.”
    Just b/c there was nothing physical (as far as I am to believe him) he has convinced himself it was not an affair of any type.
    He can’t see that deceiving me speaks volumes that it was an A. He can’t see that the clandestine phone calls and flowers to her make it an A.

  • MrsVain January 11, 2013, 12:02 PM

    So you are leaving your husband of 27 years because he had an emotional affair with another woman? wow. i dont know what to say to that. i am not saying that emotional affairs dont hurt but still….its not like he physcially abused you or actually had his penis in another woman. maybe i am different. but i would love to be in your situation. an emotional affair is fixable, and workable. you mentioned children, i hope they are all grown. and after 27 years, well…i would think you would want to try.

    but if you dont want to make a 27 year marriage work, then you need to go it alone financially also. i understand the staying at home to raise the kids thing, and the working the rest of your life thing, (i am 43 so getting there myself) but that was a decision you made for your life. maybe you dont like it now but that is just the way it is. get a job, go back to school part time, sell the house and divide the profits, and move on with your life.

  • chelsie January 11, 2013, 11:39 PM

    I haven’t posted in a very long time. I read the posts daily and sympathize and feel the pains and frustration and efforts that everyone is making, but unfortunately, have no great words of comfort or wisdom. I so wish I did. I’m not depressed. I just don’t know the right things to say.
    I know what I need to do for me, yet I am still in this house with my betrayor. So I just don’t feel right to offer words of wisdom.
    As I read the post from Mrs. Vain, my interest was peaked as it was in response to someone that had been betrayed due to an emotional affair. I was eager to read more, only to find that Mrs.Vain was responding to my post from October.
    Although I do not agree with Mrs.Vain, I still appreciate a different perspective. And I do feel compelled to respond.
    First, emotional versus physical………does it matter? Ultimately, my H went outside the marriage and shared his attentions with another woman. My H had another woman’s phone number in his cell phone. My H kept this woman a secret from me for a year. My H sent very expensive flowers to this woman. He complimented her, tried to boost her ego, he accepted her compliments as she tried to boost his ego. My H still tried to lie to me when I found the flower receipts and the number in his cell. To this day, my H will not share her full name, location, and further details. My H used me and deceived me in the worst way. I trusted my H completely till this happened and now that trust is broken. Yes, he did not engage in a physical affair, but how do I really believe someone that has lied to me for a year and set up a block as far as answering any further questions or discussions of this whole messy mess. How do you differentiate the pain and heartache of an affair, whether it be emotional or physical?
    Second, I weathered a lot with this man for 24 years. I am a patient and understanding woman, I supported him and helped him through his trials with his family or job, his moods, his grumpiness, etc. (yes, I am focusing on the negative right now) and trust me, I made it work for us and it wasn’t always easy. It was WORK. Did I teach him how to treat me? I didn’t think so, as I always thought I was the stronger person, an independent person, and not just someone that could be so easily deceived and manipulated.
    Trust me Mrs.Vain, I have tried, I’ve been trying for a long time, even at the expense of my own happiness a lot of the time, and trust me, I have masked that unhappiness very carefully. But clearly, all the trying was just not enough. He still had to get his thrills by the attention of a gal half his age. He said so, he said he liked it when she told him, “Wow, you are not 50! You look only 30!”
    Third, we made a commitment together and the decision together that I would stay home, not continue with my career, to raise our kids. HUH, decisions made together……….that is what a marriage consists of, not one person that decides to play around while the other person stays true to their commitment.
    I have a bachelor’s degree but have not worked a job that contributes to a retirement plan for me, or a 401K, benefits. Had I anticipated 24 years ago what I am experiencing today, I would have prepared for myself!
    I am checked out. Thinking about the past 24 years and all I have sacrificed for him and because of him only to be dealt this makes me tired and feeling very defeated. I deserved better. Minimally, I didn’t deserve to be lied to. End the marriage and then move on. But that is not what he did. Instead, he thought he could use me and have a little fun on the side with a gal young enough to be his daughter.
    I am still in the home. He doesn’t entirely get how strongly I feel. I gave him the benefit of at least attending counseling with him at his suggestion. I even went with an open mind. The first few sessions didn’t get to the nitty gritty of the situation, they were merely about our 24 year history, his problems, what it takes to make a marriage work, what we would both need to make it work out. The final session I openly stated that it was important to me that I get full disclosure of what he was involved in, but even more so, that I needed to know what the turning point was for him, the point in which he felt it was worth jeopardizing the marriage, the point in which he was more attracted to this kid and not committed to his marriage. I needed to know if there was a day, a moment, a week, in which something had gone wrong with us and her attention was just at the right place, right time????? I say final session b/c at that session he refused to engage in any discussion of this nature. He refused to answer my question. Not only did he become defensive, he continued with the inability to understand that his relationship with “her” was a type of affair….an emotional affair. He will not claim ownership of that. One cannot fix what one does not own up to.
    I decided that evening it was pointless to spend any time or money on counseling. I gave him ‘another’ opportunity and he proved himself.

    Still interested in a response, Mrs.Vain. What is your history?

  • Kem January 12, 2013, 2:19 AM

    Chelsie, like Mrs. Vain, I would give anything to have had my H’s A been an EA.. Yes, I feel your pain that your H got emotionally attached and sent gifts to another woman.. our H’s had SEX with the OW..something that we think about constantly? When my H touches me, did he touch her like that? Did he hold her like that? Kiss her they way he has always kissed me? To be blunt, did he orgasm the same way? The visual for us is different..is one worse than the other? For me it is..some may disagree..but for me the emotional part hurts me, the physical sharing of what was suppose to be only for me has literally knocked me off my feet and takes my breath away..what he said to her stings and makes me furious, but continues to fade as time goes on, but thinking of him touching her and her touching him sickens me..he went back to his old wedding ring because one day I made the comment that it made me physically ill that he wore his wedding ring when touching her..28 times, I know the number..and for me, without any disrespect to you, the physical outweighs the emotional

  • Gimlet January 13, 2013, 7:17 PM

    Ladies, We are all different and all the same what is unbearable for one may be the opposite of what it is for an other. For those of us whos husbands had both a physical and emotional affair well that is a double punch in the gut but how we feel is how we feel. What determines if we stay or go is our own business and we should all respect each others choices and not try to second guess them. We need to stick together and support each other after all isn’t that what we are here for? Hugs to you all and hope we each find our best ways past this experience.

  • Kem January 13, 2013, 7:36 PM

    Yes,Gimlet you are correct..I would never want anyone here to ever feel not supported..any A is damaging to our relationships, trust, and feelings of self worth.

    • Jewels January 17, 2013, 1:52 AM

      Chelsie,

      I understand, any time you are faced with the reality of knowing your man to be someone different that what you expected, it is shattering. I had a boyfriend once that I caught looking at porn, and I remember being devastated. I took it personal and he told me how stupid I was for getting upset. With my ex-husband, I remember prior to me finding out he was physically cheating, I caught him contacting women/friends with messages saying that they were beautiful – totally crushed me. You are contacting other women saying that they are beautiful. I literally felt like throwing up. I could not believe my husband would secretly engage with other women that way.

      In my case, a physical affair happened. And those feelings happened all over again, but worse. I honestly think the physical vs emotional is just a matter of preference to each individual woman. For me, I often think in my mind that what hurt me most about the experience was not the actual physical act of cheating, what hurt most was the lies and the thought that someone else made him smile more than me. Someone else was getting him excited, someone else was interacting with him all day, emotionally. The thought that another woman was making my husband smile was crushing. I guess the sex part was a close second because in my mind I always hear men are sexual. So if he just had sex with the OW, without the emotional connection, i would of felt at least he didn’t have her heart (well at least it looked like that because of the emotional engagement, even though it might not of been the case).

      So I say that to say, I get it, I really do. If you have not experienced an emotional affair, it might be hard to grasp the pain, but that is ok, it is not for everyone to understand or know. Your journey is your own, and you have a right to feel pain with an emotional affair. I am sorry to hear you are in pain, it is extremely hard living with a partner that does not want to communicate. I wish you well in your journey, hugs to you!

  • MrsVain February 11, 2013, 1:49 PM

    My last post was in August of 2012 and reading it again, I realized it was not written well. Kinda like i was writing in some kind of code or something. i actually am a college graduate and can write well, i keep this in mind when i am reading other’s post. It really is hard to put it into written especially when you can’t even get a straight line of thought in your own head. I have had a lot happen to me in the past months and just trying to keep my head above water so to speak. I am still married but have gone into the “I wonder about some of the things i see you do that just don’t make sense but i am beyond really caring anymore” stage. I am basically numb from the waist up. I have built a wall around my heart for protection and have decided to focus on other things in my head besides his actions. I have become a zombie in this marriage.

    Here are a couple of things i did not mention in the first post but have affected my marriage in some shape or form and has contributed to my zombie state now:

    1. i lost my 25 year old daughter to Elhers Danlos IV in March 2012. my husband was actually very supportive at the time of her death but since then has done some things that bother me about it. he was not her real dad, we got together when she was 13. I am dealing with her loss everyday but for my family (mom/dad etc.) it is a private thing. my husband continues to tell anyone he runs into at walmart or where ever …” you know my daughter died”. he says this to people who we haven’t seen in 10 years and never knew my daughter in the first place. and of course they are all “sorry i didnt hear” but why does he need to tell them in the first place? Also, he has this title loan on his truck and wasn’t/hasn’t paid, so he uses the excuse that his daughter died and funerals are expensive which completely bugged the hell out me because we were lucky enough to have my family get together and each contributed enough money that we did not spend a single dime to bury her. Again i know different forum and i am not sure why i even went into details of his actions. I just wanted to mention that i have been going thru the lost of a very much loved one which has made me think about (analyse) my relationship with my husband. Life is too short to spend it with someone who makes you feel like sh*t and who doesn’t put effort into making you happy.

    2. This one is a big one. the slam of the door if you will. even though i have had issues in my own head about having sex with my husband ever since finding out he had sex with OW. i know you all know what i mean, sometime in the middle of sex or immediately right after you think…”did he do that with her” and “was he thinking of her when he was doing that”. i am still having issues with those types of thoughts. but i try to push past it and try not to let it interfere with our relationship and our sex life. so i struggled with this alone and in my own head. saying that, i still performed excellently, never turning him down, and giving it my all to make it fun and enjoyable for both of us. I have to admit i can get a little loud, not much of a screamer but definitely a moaner, which i have always been since he met me and he loved it. He told me he liked it when i moaned, never complained of me being loud before. Of course, i down tone it when the children are home. ANYWAY, i believe it was around last summer (june/july/august 2012) right in the middle of sex, he tells me “why do you always have to be so loud?” I can’t tell you why that hit me so hard. the first thing i thought was SHE was not a moaner. SHE was quiet. and HE is comparing me to HER.

    and that was it for me, i shut down. built my walls. and turned of the “i give a f*ck” in my head. i do not moan anymore, i am quiet. i am actually not really part of what is going on when we have sex now. i do not allow my head or my heart to get involved. i did ask him a couple of days maybe (time is irreverent to me) after wards anyway why he said that, he mumbled something about not wanting the kids to hear and i don’t know what else because it all sounded like bullshit to me. he doesn’t know that i know SHE was quiet. i see that sometimes while we are having sex that it bothers him that i am quiet, i am sure he can tell that i am “not into it” like i used to. i know he can’t figure out this change in me. i honestly dont care anymore.

    i still think some of his actions do not “add” up or make sense. of course, i still wonder if he is cheating on me. and actually i dont really care. only if it is brought to my attention, i will leave him to save face. i do wonder if he is going to bring me a STD, we dont have sex much. i used to be an every other day type of person, now it seems like that part of me has also shut down. i would rather play with a B.O.B. then have sex with my husband. i still never turn him down, but i know he doesnt like that i no longer play anymore. i am still not sure what to do or even say to him about all of this. the only thing that sometimes worries me, is of course i do not want to get an STD. and i really dont know if he really is cheating or not. He said that he only cheated on me while we were separated. the one time in 2005 when we separated for 2 months with one of his co-workers which i honestly don’t believe started or ended in the 2 months we were separated. the other was last time when we were separated from mother’s day 2009 to november 2011 and he said that it only in the last month that he was with one OW. (pssst whatever} So i still have issues with that.

    i still catch him in so called lies or untruths of just sh*t that doesnt make logical sense. i don’t care to even question it. sometimes my old temper will flare up, but it doesn’t last long.

    my days and my focus is on my job, he works also but since he has came back, the money he makes from his job, he spends however he wishes. i dont know what he spends it on, i dont even know how much he makes an hour, a paycheck. he got this job in may 2012 and hasnt told me anything. when i ask, he just upset or idk. he works overtime. (Supposedly) how do i know. i never see a time sheet or pay stub or anything. ever once in a while he brings me a “copy” of his time sheet. like i dont know how easy it is to fudge a copy of a time sheet. and i find it suspicious that he does this randomly without me even asking for it. no matter what, i already learned the hard way that no matter what i do. And i have done it all – gps tracker, spyware, monitor of phone, he doesn’t have a phone now i guess, following him. all that, i have never actually BUSTED him in the act.

    unfortunately, i am a “see it to believe it” type of person. i need proof. so again, my days and my focus are my job, my kids and my house. my husband is also never home. always at work or helping a friend. even if he is home, he is out in the garage. currently he works 6 to 6. a few times, he comes home at 8. he usually works saturday, sometimes all day and occasionally on sunday. i have driven past his work, and of course his truck is always there. sometimes he even calls me from work. but yes, sometimes i am still suspicious. i deal with the kids. i get home at 5. make dinner. feed kids. do homework with both the little boys. baths if needed. bed. read a book. go to sleep. sometimes i do dishes, sometimes i dont. babies are happy. they like that we are back together.

    my husband seems to thrive in this atmosphere. he has never seemed happier. when he does come home at 6. he eats. sometimes go out to the garage, sometimes he will even do dishes. usually drinks 2 to 4 beers a night. then goes to bed after i put the children down. occasionally he even reads to the children. he and i dont argue. well we hardly even said a couple of sentences to each other. he tells me about his work. i listen and respond appropriately. i dont not ask him to do anything for me. if i need something done, i pay someone. {which is really hard, cuz we live, no i live paycheck to paycheck. husband pays the gas, water, and electricity and the groceries every friday. i pay house payment and everything else and he does not give me $$}

    he seems to think this is perfect and we are fine. i on the other hand am dying a little more every day. there are several reasons i havent left him yet. i think i am still numb from my daughters passing. i am just barely holding it together. the other 4 kids i have are doing well. we all have some issues but we are hanging together. i dont wait for husband. i do things with kids whether he is there or not. i dont care if he gets mad because we are not home when he gets home. i tell either come to where we are or we be home later. and that is it. no argument. i might do something later when this shock has worn off. i cant really say i am miserable but i have my days. and there is a side of me that is just waiting for him to leave again. it is really hard to invest yourself into a relationship when you are never truely sure if he is going to just pack up and leave the next time you have a fight. i dont know how many times he has done that in the past, only to come back and say he will not do it again, and in his defense he has stayed thru the times we are having problems. only instead of talking about it and trying to work it out. he waits to see if they will disappear and when they dont he leaves. i cant live that way anymore.

    anyhow, my apologies for this being so long. i doubt anyone will read it entirely and if it even makes any sense. a drawback from holding everything in for a god awful long time. it feels good just to be able to write it down. and as i read what i wrote. i sit back and think. wow. that sounds bad. huh. still it is not all bad. sometimes it is nothing at all. sometimes it is good.

  • MrsVain February 11, 2013, 3:50 PM

    So that is my history, plus the post from august 2012. {i had to ctl f and type in MrsVain to find it myself} which explains more of my story.

    Secondly i want to apologize to Chelsie who got offended by my response post in January. i actually was trying to be supportive in saying yes she can leave and in doing so she will have to or she must go back to work. i also have stayed at home more then worked and i also feel like i am starting all over. i have no savings and i worry about the financial future. but i personally do not regret the time i stayed at home. and i fully accept that i am paying the price now. and that i understand what she is feeling about that but also trying to tell her to get out there and she can financially do this.

    i might have been a little blunt or not saying it just so. i dont know what all you went thru in those 27 years of marriage, and should not have made the judgement that an EA is so easily fixable. i guess i was comparing it to what i have gone thru and what was going on in my head at the time was just like Kem said {better then i did} i would have preferred my husband to have had a EA more then actually having sex with OW. erroneously i thought that i could personally handle an emotional affair better then a physical/sexual affair. but actually you are right in saying it is all the same thing. it is still lies, and feeling betrayed. of wondering what else has he lied about or hidden from you. of feeling like you are unloved, uncared for, unattractive, unappreciated.

    you and i are more alike then you think. i also have “checked out” of my marriage. i also have done everything i could to make my marriage work and just recently figured it out that my husband is not as committed to making our marriage work as much as i am. i also feel tired and defeated. my husband also refuses to talk about it not only about what happened in the past. no details or information on the OW he finally admitted to having sex with {both supposedly while we were separated} i am pretty sure he even lied about the names. but he also refuses to talk about anything remotely close to it. so no talking about my feelings about what or how his cheating has made me feel. no talking about me being worried that he is still cheating on me or at least how there is suspicious on his actions. the information i do have on the last affair was because i found it out myself one way or another and have pieced together a choppy history of the 2 years we were separated. he will not speak of it. but then again he doesnt speak of anything. he has “trouble” talking about emotional. blah. or cant speak what is on his mind…nothing. and whatever bulls hit he uses as an excuse.

    i was not brought up this way. i am a “met your troubles head on and get them over with” type of person. i am a “brutal honest, no sugar coating, dont ask me if your going to be offended” type of person. i may be wrong in what i say and feel, but i say it loud and proud until someone can prove me otherwise and then i graciously admit i was wrong and try to laugh about it.

    anyhow. i am very sorry that i made you feel like your A issue was less then my A issues. i still think that just an EA is something that can and should be worked out, however….i also believe that there is more to an EA then i originally thought.

    i sympathize with your feelings, more then you might think, cuz i believe you and i are on the same roller coaster train wreck ride. hold on tight, and breathe. and dont let my opinions bother you too much. i am probably more f*cked in the head then you. lol {that is a poor attempt at a joke}

    take care of you.

  • chelsie February 11, 2013, 4:48 PM

    MrsVain,
    NO offense taken. I am grateful for the response and another perception. I have no idea how I would handle a PA. I am guessing I would have those images in my mind as described by Kem. And yes, I think that would be much worse. As it is, I wonder what their conversations entailed, how did it really go when, as he says, “She asked me, ‘So why haven’t you asked me out.’ ” I wonder how many phone calls were exchanged. How many text messages. I know there is more than what he has told me. He vowed there had not been any phone calls, etc. but he accidentally missed deleting a text he sent wishing her “happy birthday.” As simple as that is, it was still a lie. How many more lies?
    Are we all a little screwed up now? B/c of what they have done to us. They have made us into something we weren’t. I am sad but daily have to hide it from everyone. I am angry and have to be careful that I don’t take out the anger on my family and friends or others. I try to be the mom I have always been but sometimes feel if I am overwhelmed by it all.
    My oldest child came home this weekend and saw that I was upset. He hugged me and asked me what was wrong. I couldn’t give him a direct answer, just “everything.”
    I know that I have no desire to ever be in a relationship with another man again. Maybe in that sense this has made me a tad bit stronger, knowing that I will not succumb to needing the support of a man to make me whole.
    I do look for to the independence.
    I was not aware that you had lost a child. I think there must be no greater pain than that. My heart goes out to you! On top of losing your daughter, you have to contend with your H. Yes, we are kindred spirits, so to speak, but I think you are probably stronger than me.
    I do get some strength from the women on this site, am able to pull from the experiences, and just value the opportunity this site offers to release and to vent. Makes you feel so not alone in this journey. I can actually be honest and not hide my feelings on this site.
    Hugs to you.

  • MrsVain February 11, 2013, 5:23 PM

    i feel the same. i say it often that if i divorce {hard word for me to even spell, that is how much against it i am} that i will never marry again. i might have a boyfriend but not ever again will i allow my heart to let fully and completely loose and open for the pain of rejection. that is how i think about it. i gave him my heart to care for and adore and instead he stabs it repeating with a knife of lies and dishonesty. {poetry, hah!}

    [“Are we all a little screwed up now? B/c of what they have done to us. They have made us into something we weren’t. I am sad but daily have to hide it from everyone. I am angry and have to be careful that I don’t take out the anger on my family and friends or others. I try to be the mom I have always been but sometimes feel if I am overwhelmed by it all.]”

    you took those word right out of my mouth. i am daily sad, hurt or angry by something he has said or done or lack of said and lack of doing. and i hide it from everyone. i dont have a problem in not taking it out on others, my family or kids but i have to be careful that i dont blow up at him. he never could handle confrontations well. and i know that if i force him to explain his actions, feelings and emotions he will get “overwhelmed” and run away. so i dont bother him with all that. and i feel cheated by doing so. i used to be the type that was very emotional, expressive, vocal. i used to believe that if you only talked it out you can work thru anything. problem is you have to have someone willing to talk it out with you and actually listen to what it is you are saying. i talk, husband never remembers what we talked about. i try to be the mom i always was plus more now that my husband is hardly ever home. i dont talk down or badly about husband to the kids. they will make up their own mind when they are older.

    i am sick and tired of being the only responsible and stable and strong one in our marriage. i am sick of feeling like he doesnt love me, that he might be cheating or worse never stopped cheating, that he would rather be with his friends and worse sitting alone in living room drinking a beer then to spend time with me. i am sick of never talking or of only talking about HIS day at work, or HIS interest in cars, or HIS wanting to go do this or that. he never asks about my day, work, thoughts, feelings. i get the feeling he doesnt really care as long as i dont bitch about it.

    we got back together in nov 2011. {i know my times are off in my previous posts. like i said time is irreverent to me and i have all this stuff written down cuz my mind is bad} so all 2012 {which was a horrible year all around} he did not get me one single thing. no valentines card, nothing at all for my birthday, no mothers day card or anything at all — barely said happy mothers day, no anniversary acknowledgement, and then a single small gift for christmas and that was after he asked my other daughter what i wanted. his excuse He didnt know what to get me for christmas. i was like wtf..who really know what to get anyone for christmas. you walk in the store and walk around and see thing and say o this is good for grandma, or my sister or my husband. he didnt even want to bother going to the store to look. yay. made me feel great.

    so now…he went to walmart this sat. #5 needed valentines for church school on sunday. i did ask him to get them, he offered. so i said well while you are there if you can, please get the kid the hearts with the candy in them, like i do every year for my kids. i explained it was hard for me to get them since now i am getting 4 instead of 5 but for him to let me know so if he doesnt i will do it. so he did. yes i appreciated it. but he has to come in like a little boy showing mommy what good thing he did. he shows me what he got {the small candy heart with 4/5 candy versus the large ones that i have always gotten the older kids. of course it was HIS money this time.} but still he did buy them all a heart. And then he just happen to show me the bag and in the bag was one big heart with candies. i assume that one is for me. i am still not sure how i feel about it.

    too little too late comes to mind. and seriously would he have even bothered if he wasnt already there for the children.??

    and if that one is for me, i d k… i wasnt going to get him a card or anything. his track record for getting me gift really sucks.

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