Many people cheat. Few put in the time and effort it takes to recover. I have noticed some significant trends among those marriages that are able to survive infidelity versus those that do not make it. In this 3 part blog post, I am going to tackle some of the considerations that should take place to determine if you should work on your marriage.
The first question you should ask yourself is
1. Is my cheating husband taking responsibility for his actions involving the affair?
Often you will find a cheating husband will make up in his mind that he deserves to cheat. And usually the reason he feels he deserves to cheat has to do with the wife. He might feel that the wife nags too much, doesn’t have sex enough, or that she is not appreciative. After the cheater is caught, they have to decide if they will continue to blame the wife or accept full responsibility for their actions.
This is important factor to evaluate because if your husband can stand up and own his infidelity, versus blaming saying the wife ‘drove him to cheat’, you have a better chance of recovering from the affair.
There is nothing more frustrating than trying to convince a cheater that they are wrong for cheating. Each person in the marriage has to be accountable for his/her actions. I made mistakes in the marriage, and while I would love to say ‘my ex-husband’ drove me to act a certain way, but honestly I have to be the owner of my actions.
So if your spouse is truly committed to working things out, he will admit that he was wrong for cheating versus blaming you for the affair. If he is consistently blaming you for the affair, then he will consistently depend of you for all aspects of recovery, which makes married life very difficult.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I am not new to the ‘cheating’ husband thang; i have been together with my spouse for 8yrs, married 6, and have four boys. the first time he cheated on my was when I was with my youngest, I found the cards/letters and not only confronted him but her as well in my own home, yes I was very calm. after said and done he told me and promised there would be no more,…so I thought. wanting to get away from the state we were in at the time I joined the Army(some years down the road like 4). during my basic training, as I gave him a chance, as he asked, I fininally finished basic and A school to find out at my duty station by calls, my oldest telling me, and a pornograhpic letter found, that he had been carring on another affiar with a different woman for a term of 6 months.. currently once again filled with saddness and feeling so alone, he is emotionally and confirmed (found voicemail via cell phone) attatched to yet another women he met at a friends wedding (unable to go because of kids being in school and out of state). I confronted this woman via text and told her the deal, she gave the impression and said that he (my spouse) told her that we were seperated, far from. now I am unsure what to do, I have altered my self (hair cut and dye) to gain his eye, for him to notice me,..it appears he does, but when I tell him I love him (through text) I get ” I know” and nothing back..I make efforts in telling him to his face but the same isnt felt coming from him..I want it to work but fear he may not want to…I am lost in many different way and so damn confused,…I hurt. I will do my best in reading what information is posted to gain a little of myself back again,..for me,..for my boys. Thank You for letting me get some of it out.
Hi Mary,
First, thank you for serving, much appreciated. Mary, my first thought after reading your story is to tell you that as much as we sometimes want to, you can not force a man to be faithful. You can be the hottest thing in town, but he can still cheat. Not saying this is your husband, but some men cheat because they can, and often it has to do with their own insecurities, which is something you can’t fix. It seems like he is not putting for the effort within the marriage. And I know it hurts, but you can’t force it. BUT, you can focus on the one thing you have total control of, and that is what you focus on. You also have total control over your intent. So next time you want to look hot, don’t do it for him, do it for you. Do it because you want to look sexy for YOU, and if he happens to notice, lucky for him. If he doesn’t appreciate you, appreciate yourself until someone else does. I know you have 4 boys so no need to make any major decisions at this time, but a mental shift will really help you to get the right perspective on the situation.Take Care!