Marriage Infidelity can shine a light on yourself and your relationship in ways that you can not imagine. The event often forces you to question your beliefs on family, love, and your true self. One of the reasons I was so devastated was because I felt an intense lack of control. With Google and friends, I could fix anything, but not an affair. I couldn’t control how my ex-husband acted afterwards. I thought that if my husband saw me miserable, he would hold me more, love me more, and be concerned more – but it didn’t work. He was still in the cheating fantasy land, that stage where the cheater feels justified in his actions. I felt I was fighting for the marriage and he wasn’t even in the boxing ring.
In time I realized something. I felt that I lost control and lost my husband the day he cheated, but in reality, I never had control. We can love our partners but we can not make them act a certain way. If your partner does not want to work on rebuilding the marriage, you can express your concern, but you can not make him try. If you try to force him to try you will be fighting a battle that in the end could leave you emotionally and physically drained (been there, done that). But if through ACTION your husband fights for the marriage without your intense effort, then it’s a great sign in the right direction if you choose to stay married. Each person is responsible and in control of their actions, as partners we can influence temporary change, but permanent change must come from within that individual person.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Almost a year on from the day of disclosure and I am still in disbelief. I understand and accept that ‘each person is responsible and in control of their actions’ and it was my husband’s choice to cheat on me. What I cannot accept is that right from day one (December 1981) he knew that the only thing that would split us up would be if he had sex with another woman and he still went right ahead and did it, less than one month after our silver wedding anniversary. It then took him another 4 years to tell me about it!
And then the only reason he told me about it was that he was in the process of having a nervous breakdown and blurted it out, but only after I questioned him because he’d just told me that he had been sex texting other women! And he only told me that because he was trying to stop the texts!
So, 12 months on and he is still seeing the intervention team and has finally agreed to take medication. He has lost his job and we are struggling to pay the mortgage, the bills etc on my wage alone (a mere third of the wages he was earning!). Of course, now he is coming out with all the right things to say, he is doing all the right things but it seems like too little, too late… Why didn’t he make the effort with me BEFORE having sex with another woman?
I am fed up of hearing oh he thought I didn’t need him anymore (did I have the affair? No!) He was depressed, oh yeah? Well I was depressed after having to terminate our second baby in 1993 because he couldn’t cope, we had no money etc Did I have an affair? No! Did I look for another man that would listen to me? No! I put my head down and got on with it, why couldn’t he?
Or maybe this is God’s way of showing me to get out of a marriage that I should have got out of in 1993. Now I keep thinking I know I made the wrong decision, I should have chosen the baby over him…
Alesandra,
Through the affair, you seem to have acquired the additional burden of holding the entire family together while your husband heals from his issues. What this shows me is how strong of a woman you are. Despite all of the trauma, you are still fighting. Unfortunately, what happens when we sign up to take on more responsibility than we should take on as wives, other emotions start creeping in. Anger shows up because we are angry we have to deal with this situation. Resentment shows up because of the feelings of being overwhelmed. Just because you are the stronger one doesn’t mean you have to continuously shoulder the burden. If you take on all of your husband’s issue’s (which you have), where do yours go? When does Alesandra take time to handle her issues? When does Alesandra have time to process the pain and guilt associated with what happened in 1993? Tt’s time to make time to heal yourself and focus on your own journey. I know your husband is going through something, but it’s not your job to take on all his issues and push your pain to the bottom. What you will end up with is anger and depression. I think you would benefit from taking small steps in putting yourself and your needs first. It can start small and then progress to taking time to handle bigger issues. As far as the child that was terminated, it is my belief that there are no mistakes, what occurred happened for a reason or else it would not of happened. I sense strong pain from your choice, but know that we all make decisions to the best of our ability with the knowledge we have at the time, which is exactly what you did. Once you take time to heal from that experience, then you can map back around to the marriage, without healing that part of your past, and realizing that your choice was not good or bad, it was just a choice, you will be able to take a clear look at the marriage and think about next steps. Take care, hugs to you my friend, you will be ok.
Jewels the same thing happen to me but in a different. I cheated on my husband back in 1993 . I moved out of the home. I know I hurt him and I regret every min of it. But then I wanted to try again I still lived outside the home. But I put my soul and heart to trying to make it up to him. I thought we were past the hurt but come to find out after waiting for him for 15 years he had someone else. I thought I was going to die. He even brought me back to live with him then he dropped the bomb. I ask y didn’t he tell me sooner he said he didn’t want to loose me. Now he says he’s confused. I have been taking him to the doctors because we found out he has Parkinson’s disease now I don’t know what to do he said he is not seeing her anymore but I find a little hard to believe. I hurt all the way down to the bottom of my soul. I have taken responsibility for my mistake.. I just don’t know if I want to stay or leave.. He says he wants me to stay. I just don’t know what to do…
The song is Already gone by Kelly clarkson!!!!!
Jewels I also forgot to mention we’ve been together for 47 years. The ow didn’t know that he was with me the same time he was with her… I didnt have a clue because he was with me 95 per cent of the time he also claims they were good friends . He said he loves her too.. That’s y I don’t know what to do…. He loves me too BUT……
Hi Miriam,
You seem like you were distraught with guilt over what you did to your husband years ago, so much so that you spent the past 15 years trying to make up for what you done in 1993, only to have it backfire on you years later. I think there are a couple of lessons that I sense are for you and I want to make sure you capture the lesson in the pain. Yes, you cheated. And at the end of the day, no one can say what they would of done in your shoes at the time you did what you did. And just because you cheated, does not mean that you are doomed to a life of guilt, misery, and punishment for the rest of your life. I have interacted with quite a few women that sabotage their own happiness as punishment for what they did. Part of me thinks that a large part of the past 15 years were trying to mentally heal from guilt of cheating on your husband. It’s time to let that go, meaning your current decision on what to do now should not be based on your past actions. If you let your past actions dictate what you are going to do now, you will be back in mental prison.
Now with your husband, yes he cheated, no one will ever know how or why or if it was an act of revenge, so don’t worry yourself with those details. He has a medical condition and you are being the loving wife that you are by helping him. As far as the relationship, he says he is ‘confused’ which actually means that he is caught up with this woman and does not want to lose her or you. I can’t tell you what to do, but your husband has a choice to make, being with a husband for a long time that is ‘confused’ is pure misery, I have been there before, it isn’t pretty. If he can’t or won’t decide, you always have the power to decide as well. And you can still be there to support him through this time, all the while letting him know it’s over. Essentially what I am saying is that if you decide to leave, it doesn’t have to be leave, and never talk to him again, unless that is what you prefer.
For NOW, just breathe and take this in, I would recommend not making any decisions in the next couple of weeks because I can tell you are overwhelmed with emotions, right now just breathe, eat, sleep, and let your mind settle a little bit, then listen to your own voice, which will point you in the right direction. Many hugs to you!!
47 years, wow, that is amazing!! And remember to be proud of yourself for that, no matter what happens, not many people at all can say they were in a relationship for 47 years! (But again, doesn’t mean you have to stay just because you have been together 47 years.). Take care!
My husband has cheated on me more than once, I’m totally destroyed.
My husband just recently cheated on me like two weeks ago we have been together for twenty years and dont know what to do he say he wants to work it out but he is not trying to do anything right now to make it work i thought i maybe would be breaking windows or something but not i am calm we didnt even fight no verbally words was spoken somwthing that we might regret later that we said but didnt none of that happened he told me what happened and how he got involved with her and that he wants to get pass this but its not that easy for me i cant sleep and cant eat and i am the only one that seems to be losing out on everything i have my bags packed at the door still waiting i havent decided on what i am going to do about it i have cried so much till i cant cry any more everybody i talked to say listen to your heart but its not telling me anything its numb right now i havent even had time to listen i feel like i am being smothered and insecrity is kicking in on him and its not fun its harder on me know i have all this hurt bottled up inside me and i dont know what to are even start to release it he promised he wouldnt do it again but i dont know what to believe cause he done told all these lies in the first place i dont know what to do i wont to fight for my marriage but it is hard we still not talking at all what should i do
Terri, I relly feel for you you are in the devastation phase and that is so painful. My advice is take a breath find time to do something for yourself to help clear your head. For me it is walking for others gardening running yoga or whatever. It may seem pointless but it is the first step in healing also read Jewels e book it was very helpful for me and also the greatest strength I got was from the support of the beautiful souls on this site we will be hear to listen and sometimes offer our insights to help you, knowing you are not alone or crazy is priceless. Hugs to you.
Ladies I feel your pain but everyday that goes by gets a little better. I still have anxiety but not as bad as it was in the beginning ……. If you need to talk email me….I’m hear for you ladies….I learn to pray hard and call on god to help me with this burden…. It helps also walking helps a lot…. I’m hear for you guys we can share stories and help each other.
Miriam I am glad things are getting better for you. And thanks for offering to support others, there are many ladies on the site that would love to hear from you.
Gimlet – Thank you for helping others on the site, I had some issues at home this week and haven’t been able to respond, so thanks, still thinking of you and the families from the tragedy today.
Terri – I agree with Gimlet, slow down. No one is forcing you to leave. Most women are in shock when they first find out for a couple of weeks, so it is ok to do nothing. It is ok not to decide right away. Just breathe, and try to relax and know that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you. Take care.
RIP to the victims of the Newtown school shooting
Oh terry I feel your pain but you got to let it out you got to throw at him let him know the pain you are feeling in your heart it’s like he open your chest took your heart and stomp all over it…. It’s been two months for me since I found out about my husband but little by little it gets better when I feel something it’s not right and I feel that anxiety coming on I let him have it….. We don’t sleep in the same bed but I still give it to him . I’m like you I plan on moving and starting over because for me this place is toxic…… I’m saving my money and I’m going to make on my. Own….and you will too if u decide to forgive make it work butu can’t hold on to what u feel and think it will work… You have to release and let go and try to make it work if and only if you want too. Email me any time I love jewels and her advice is the best hang in there and god bless….. Also when u feel that anger pray because he does listen…. Crying screaming is good it release what ever you holding back….
When I said I give to him I meant when I feel that anxiety coming on I let him have lol.
I know what you mean and i get what you are saying miriam i have read jewel book and it is helpful i think he wants to do the write thing i just cant bring myself to be violent the lord is keeping me this way for a reason but i dont know what it is about him keeping me calm but dont think for a second that i didnt want to but i thiught what ever i break or tear up its minds to so i guess thats why i didnt act out but i did let him know how much he had hurt me real bad that it was going to take a long time to get it back like it was he said he is willing to fix it i guess cause he thinks i am not gone that everything is ok but it is not i still have my bags pack i am still thinking about leaviving for a couple of days just to clear my head i feel like i am being smothered cant breathe every since it happened its like he been all over mehe wants to buy me things i want let him cause i feel he is doing it out of guilt i can take a nap and wake up i got all kinds of things in my face he done went out and bought for me what am i suppose to do about that he said he want to work it out that he chose me over the other women he has started reading jewel book but ican tell he is really not into it i just want him to know how that made me feel when he did that his insecurities are kicking in and its not a good feeling cause not only is he insecure with himself but about me and i dont like that thats not fun at all i havent did anything you have he can be at work and he will call me and his first words are where you at and what you doing he calls me every hour on the hour but i let him know that i still can leave at any time still cant eat and still not getting to much sleep