Part I explored the impact of cheating on your self esteem. Part II talks about the impact of trust within the marriage. Today, I will go over the 3rd and final impact of finding out your husband cheated. This impact could actually be positive or negative.
The 3rd impact is – You will never see life in the same manner again. Finding out your husband has cheated is a LIFE CHANGING EVENT. You literally go through a stage where you question your beliefs, your values, and your place in this world. For many women and cultures, being a ‘wife’ serves as a place of value in society. Now that your husband has cheated, you have to re-evaluate who you are. LADIES – this impact is very important. It serves as a moment of truth for you in your life. There will come a time after you muddle through the pain and misery after the affair, the sadness and defeat, the loneliness and sorrow when you have to look at yourself in the mirror and say ‘What now?’ This is a moment in time where the answer to this question will change your life forever, no matter what you choose. It is my hope that women will answer that question and say, it’s time to get myself together and focus on me, evaluate where I am in life and where I want to go. Time to look at current state and make some changes. Some women do that, and some women choose the option of being defeated and giving up on life. They become depressed and lonely, and live the rest of their life in sorrow and sadness, finding it hard to have faith again. If you’re reading this, no matter where you are in your journey, my hope is that your life will change for the better. As women we have to believe that this is not the end fate for us. Yes, the impact is that life will never be the same, but a part of you has to believe that you went through this horrible experience to become a stronger and wiser woman. I wish all of you the best in your journey to recovery.
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
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Thank you Justina for your comment, I appreciate it.
Hey Jewels. I wish you all the best and thank you for a website which allows women to vent and share their feelings. 18 months ago, using spyphone software, I discovered my loving husband of 25 years had been carrying on a 4-month affair with an escort. I was completely devastated. I have always considered myself a strong woman, but the depths of my despair knew no bounds. After the initial shock and anger, I began to question everything about my life, my marriage, my values, my husband, etc. The affair changed how I look at EVERYTHING in life. Some for the better, some not so much. Looking back, although it was very painful, it became a wonderful period of growth in both of our lives. I came to know myself better than I ever had and I realized that his cheating had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own low feelings of self-worth. I now stand up for myself, and I’m no longer a doormat which he can take for granted. He immediately ended his “relationship,” and after receiving very good counseling (on-going), our relationship has become the best its ever been. I think the most important indicator as to whether your relationship can work after an affair is how your husband responds to trying to make it work. My husband quit drinking & volunteered for counseling without me even having to ask. He wanted to make a statement that he was a different person. I still react to the triggers and still harbor some anger, but I’m dealing with it the best I can and he’s been wonderful and understanding through it all.
Thanks Paula,
That was such an inspiring comment. I am so glad it turned out to be a period of growth for you. I did the same thing, I questioned everything, my foundation of thought was rocked to the core, luckily, in me building myself back up, I was able to do it in a way where I am stronger than I was before. I think you are right as far as the indicator, he has to be understanding and willing to make changes, and it seems like your husband did that. In the marriages that survive, many wives say that they have become closer from the experience and understand each other more, which I think you stated when you said you are happier than you ever been!
I am going to ask a small favor of you, if you are comfortable with it, I would love for you to post your story on our positive recovery story section. You can literally copy and paste this word for word or edit as you wish, but there is alot of wisdom in what you wrote and I know having your story in that section will help many many women. The link to add your story is below…..Thanks!!
http://www.acheatinghusband.com/positive-recovery-stories/
The advice on this page is amazing. My husband cheated nearly 4 months ago but I just cant seem to even get to step 1 of dealing with it. It is on my mind every day and now I have literally become ill from it dealing with stomach and intestinal issues I know are stress realated. Everything I’ve read in the 3 phases is exactly how I’m feeling and I feel like I have no where to turn. No one to talk to and he just acts like I’m crazy and should get over it! I do feel like my self-esteem is my biggest obstacle but how do I even begin to fix it?
Hi Wisconsin!
Oh I am right w/you! My husband of 30yrs cheated on me for 14yrs and just began telling me this fall as our youngest left for college. NICE?!! I can barely wake or should I say sleep? I too feel crazy as I don’t know how to function? I am seeing a therapist and even now going to a phsyc. to get some meds to help me w/panic attacks. This is the man I loved since I was 16, moved from my parents home to his. All my boys left this Jan. for school and so did he. I too am in a deep depression. I manage to work daily but find many times each day there (in a first grade classroom) crying and telling the kids it is a cold. I leave work and come home put my jammies on and sit on the coach. I wish I could help you but can’t help myself. My H is telling me if I would have been different he would never cheated? I honestly know it is not my fault but when you hear such from a man you have loved for 35plus years hard to now start not believing him since he has always been the one I turn to. Yep, self-esteem…gone, I guess we need to turn to other ladies and ask them where do we “get one”??! I know we hear do things for yourself ect. but really what does that mean?? Can anyone help us out there, we both are in the same place.
Carrie you are one step ahead of me! you had the courage to dump his cheating a?a*! For me it was barely past our 1st anniversary and now I wonder…did we make it to our 1st anniversary? Everything just feels like a lie! this is a 2nd marriage for me and I dont want to give up on it yet but then I feel like I can never get beyond it! and i too cry all the time for no apparent reason! I guess i feel a little better knowing that there are people who know just how I am feeling. when I read the ebook from this site I swore it had been me writing it cuz all the feelings and emotions and wanting revenge sounds just like me right now!
Wisconsin, NO I am not ahead of you. I did not dump him he dumped me. He never stopped cheating I just found again the new purchased gifts for HER. He then flew to her state (umm for “work” sure). Then came home for a weekend to tell me he had to “decide” between me or her. He then traveled for his job another week and led me to believe he was coming home until HE PHONED me to tell me he didn’t love me. I have asked him to not to return (but I so much want him too but know he can’t for my pain). So guess where he went…YEP!!! I am a mess, I cry most of my day’s. I am making it to work but not holding up too well there either. I have been having panic attacks. I come home from work at 3:30 and put on my jammies and lay on the couch waiting until I can take a sleeping pill so I can sleep because if I do it won’t hurt. I then sleep for awhile but not for a whole night. Eat…barely! So you see not ahead at all. I am in counseling and even seeing a physiciatrist. I keep hearing do things for me….I don’t know what that means?? Yes, this sight is my new FB trying to find something someone say’s that can help me? I just don’t know how someone I loved for almost my whole life can do this to me?
All I know I am not alone but I feel very alone.
Carrie…I am so sorry to wrongly think you dumped him! But I do think we are in the same stage of depression! Have you read the ebook? I have read it several times and in between the anger and the tears and the sadness It does help a little bit. While I beat myself up over why and all that the ebook helped me to realize it is not my fault and I could not have prevented it. If you havent read it you should! Keep your chin up! We will both make it through this eventually! I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Just can’t imagine what that reason is right now!