Hello Everyone,
I am doing a 3 part series on the topic of the impact of cheating. Unless you have gone through the pain of finding out your husband is cheating, it is difficult to describe the level of pain that you will experience on so many different levels. Today, I am going to discuss just 1 of the impacts. This impact is very dear to me, it is in my opinion the most important part of a woman’s recovery when she finds out her husband has cheated.
It is the thing that if you don’t recover and figure out how to overcome this obstacle, it can lead to years of pain and depression. And that is a woman’s self esteem. Finding out your husband has cheated on you has a tremendous impact on a woman’s self esteem.
It really messes with your mind in all sorts of crazy ways. On the one hand, you feel that your husband cheated because you were not sexy enough or fun enough or pretty enough. Those thoughts are seriously enough to drive you crazy. Then your self esteem is impacted when and if you try to work on the relationship, because there is that voice in your ear that says, ‘are you that weak that you are going to stay and put up with his behavior, are you not strong enough to leave’? It’s like a little voice in your ear that won’t go away!! Oh…and let’s not even talk about the thought that you feel like you’re now in a failed marriage.
Your self esteem is impacted by all of these thoughts. For some people, they can easily overcome this, but for most, this is a serious issue. I am so surprised that most books (yes I have read a good number of them), focus on healing the marriage. Hardly any focus on restoring a person’s self esteem as an individual. I can’t give love to anyone and restore a relationship when my self esteem is shot. I decided my next ebook will be on this very topic. Forget about everything else and let’s focus on restoring confidence and getting that shine and energy back that you have as a beautiful women. Restoring a woman’s self esteem after an affair is a topic I am passionate about, I am going through it now, and I hope to help others through their journey. Part II of the post will step into the next major impact of finding out your partner cheated. Till next time!!
Jewels
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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
I appreciate your efforts in making this E-book free and so accessible. I was completely blindsided to discover that my husband (who is so well respected in his work and community) had been carrying on with MANY internet sluts, but had quite a few in person times. He travels w/o me at times. I “caught” him before Thanksgiving, 2009, like Tiger’s wife….a fishy # on the cell phone. I called the bitch and life has exploded here.
Thanks Marilee for your comment. It is really tough when your husband is well respected, because you really are blindsided. My husband is well respected as well, and for some reason, I thought that since everyone else thought so highly of him, that he wouldn’t dare do something so low and disrespectful, and boy was I wrong. I just hate how their selfishness causes life as we know it to change forever. This event literally shattered my self esteem. And if I can see one good thing out of this situation, it is that I am learning how to rebuild my self esteem literally from the ground up. Every day I am getting stronger and stronger through my personal process. I am still on my journey, but once I fully regain my confidence, I hope to share a new chapter in my life filled with a full sense of self. I know it’s tough for you right now, but hang in there.
I am in so much pain from my cheating spouse that my heart hurts and i feel like i can’t breathe. It is worse in public every couple i see makes me cry. I had a total hip replacement and when i came home from hospital, he had cleaned me out and left me with no help to live with this other woman.I am destroyed.
Sue, you are in such a great deal of pain right. Your husband left at a time where you need him to be there for you, so you can focus on healing. You may feel like you’re destroyed, but you are not. Through this experience, you will have an opportunity to rebuild your life and your identity from the ground up. Your in too much pain to see it right now, but this can be a good thing. Right now your in a grieving stage, where the pain hurts like a knife. The key is to remember that you are not alone, you will recover from this situation, and the best of your life is yet to come. One chapter is closing, eventually another one will open. It’s ok to cry, this is one of the most traumatic experiences you will go through. BUT I believe in you and there are thousands of women who overcome this tragedy, you will be one of them, I just know it. Take care, get some rest, and get some fresh air as well (even though you probably don’t feel like it).
Sue, you are in such a great deal of pain right. Your husband left at a time where you need him to be there for you, so you can focus on healing. You may feel like your destroyed, but you are not. Through this experience, you will have an opportunity to rebuild your life and your identity from the ground up. You are in too much pain to see it right now, but this can be a good thing. Right now you are in a grieving stage, where the pain hurts like a knife. The key is to keep telling yourself that you will recover from this situation, and the best of your life is yet to come. One chapter is closing, eventually another one will open. It’s ok to cry, this is one of the most traumatic experiences you will go through. BUT I believe in you and there are thousands of women who overcome this tragedy, you will be one of them, I just know it. Take care, get some rest, and get some fresh air as well (even though you probably don’t feel like it).
My story.
Five weeks agi at Marriage Guidance my husband of 11 years who is 10 years younger than me- 41 and 51- told me he no longer wished to be married- that he hadn’t been happy for years. I was devsatated. We have had our problems but I thought worked through them. He had wanted to go to cousnelling I find now because he hadn’t got the guts to tell me on his own.
I took on all the responsibility of the marriage failing ie I was too selfish/ he was lonely/ I was useless in bed/ had pushed him to adopt (we didn’t) but then by accident one evening I found a naked pic of a friend of mine on his pc which he thought he had left in sleep mode! He had already gone to bed.
This ‘lady’ was one of my frineds in the USA, has been married twice, has five children and is a fundametlaist christian.
I shook him awake and he began to cry and say they had ;only’ had an affair on line as he was lonely. She was due to come to London this week and he had had me buy her birthday presents, organise evenings out (I have a lot of generous clients who were giving us free evenings in lovely places) and he had had her choose my birthday and Christmas gifts!! He said she was my biggest advocate and kept saying’ You must work it out with Debbie’ even while having online sex with him and both saying they loved each other!
He ended the affair that night- I thought- I stood over him while he rang her and said it was over. She emailed begging me not to tell her husband or children. I should add previously to my finidng out she said I was like a sister to her and she prayed for me every night…..
I feel sick- sick to the guts. He says he wants to stay with me as we had a very open talk in which I confided my Dad had abused me as a child: at first he was supportive but now he is angry about that and says I should have told him before we got married! That I lied to him by not being who I was! My father is dying of dementia and I have to cope with the fact that my mother knew he was beating me a lot but did nothing.
I now find he was planning to see this woman in Chicago next weeek where he will be on business for two weeks to ‘say goodbye one last time’ (she lives there) We live in the UK and he has been angling for ages to get promotion to the USA- now I know why.
I just dont’ know what to do. He won’t sleep with me or kiss me- saying he is ‘not ready’ yet on the other hand when I took my rings off and got the house valued, he was distraught. He wants to see if ‘his love for me comes back’. We live n the middle of nowwhere and I have not confided in anyone apart from the psychotherpaist I am now seeing about the abuse. He won’t say he loves me, he hopes we can learn to fall in love again but I can’t trust him. Any advice at all is welcome as I feel I am dying of pain. [ain and rejection. When we first met I was one of only a few women in the FTSE 100, then came the recession so I now earn a lot less, while his career has boomed. I feel I have lost me. Is it worth holding on and hoping or should I just file for divorce? I am too mixed up to know whether I love him or not!
Kits
Hello Kits,
It seems like your husband is confused. In reading your story, it seems like he is not ‘in’ the marriage anymore. If he is planning to see this woman in Chicago, that is not a good sign. Saying goodbye over email is enough, there is no reason he needs to say goodbye in person. No reason he needs to see her in person, in my opinion he should not call and just attend the conference. I know it hurts that this was your friend who was sending naked pics of herself and praying for you, and she is married with 5 kids, oh boy.
I feel that you are really looking and reaching for something that will tell you it’s ok and that you should save the marriage. But honestly Kit, it takes you and your husband committed and it does not appear he is committed at this point in time. I am concerned about you, he does not want to touch you or hold you, he is seeing this woman in Chicago and tells you he wants to wait and see if he catches feelings for you? If I were in your shoes, I would give him a strict timeline (a week, a month) on when he has to make a decision, either he is in or out. If he is in, it has to be all the way focused on rebuilding the marriage, if he is out, then you file. And not pushing you in either direction, but if he is out, that should give you more time to get ‘you’ back, and that will be a wonderful feeling for you.
**Lastly, concerning the abuse, I commend you for telling someone about the abuse, many people go to their grave with that information and it takes a ton of courage to open up to anyone about it. When you finally do tell, only to have that person get angry at you, it hurts. So I just want you to know you are courageous for opening up about it.
am so tired of dealing with what if men how cheat on there wife are not men at all my did and he expects me to forgive him like nothing ever happend am sure if it was me he would not even want to hear it for along time i have been scared of him leaveing know am not at all it hard put life goes on specially if you have kids am just tired off beeing mad all the time and angry what can i do i whant to be happy for my kids
i feel broken inside off me i just want to be happy since then he bougth a house stays home am with all the time put even wen goes to the store i go nut if hes not back fast i been with his man for 14 years life is hard on it own i never had a man in my life that i trust my father abuse me and my sister mother never believed us always on his side wen i got married i said that the man i will love for ever and respect put he dint do the same i dont have any one to talk to dont trust anyone what can i do please help
Hello Lady Bee,
It literally feels like your spirit is worn down from being with this man. I know you mentioned you do not have anyone to talk to and I would like that to change. I think part of the problem is that your life is centered around your husband. And while your husband is suppose to be a big part of your life, but not the center. I want you to take a look at what lady bee wants to do with her life, and take steps towards that goal. Once you do that and seriously start taking action, the support will come, the friends will come, and you will feel more empowered. Wishing you the best.
I just found out 2 days ago that my husband cheated on me. He is in the military and I had never thought that he was the kind of guy that would cheat. I was uploading some photos from a memory card onto my computer and happened to find some pictures that he had taken while having sex with a woman. I confronted him about it and he tried to tell me those pictures were from before we were together. I know that isn’t true so I called him out on it and he finally admitted it. At this point, I want the truth, how am I supposed to believe anything that he says when he lied to me for so long. We have a 3 year old child and he wants to work it out, he tells me that he loves me but I don’t know how I could ever trust him again. He is deployed right now and I honestly don’t even want to see him. I feel like he ripped out my soul.
Hello Aimee,
You are in the devastation period, where the pain at times seems unbearable. Its a shock to find out the person that you dedicated your life to is not the person you thought. And if you literally saw him in the act via pictures, it will take some work to deal with that. It’s ok that you don’t want to see him now, while he is away it will give you a chance (after the devastation period) to really think about what you want out of the marriage, and if you think that he can fulfill those needs. Make sure you eat and get some rest, it’s easy to forget in this stage.
Thanks so much for your insights.
You are right. He is not ‘in’ or ‘out’ of the marriage
He says he did not see or talk to her while he was in Chicago (we live in the UK) but it broke his heart to be walking around familiar places they used to go together- on his own- he started crying about it. Oh PLEASE. He says he promised me he would not see her or speak to her and he won’t. But that he has lost a ‘beautiful friend’ and she is ‘pissed at him they can’t even stay friends’. I have taken his feedback about not making much effort and now cook every evening, dress up a little, remember to ask q’s about his work and deal with all the family things. I feel like he should be lavishing me with love and attention if he wants us to work out- but no. He sleeps in the spare room as he says I snore and he needs a good nights sleep as he starts so early (5am) but there is no sex- he says he thinks ‘that part of him’ is burned out and when I caught him coming out of the bathroom with porn, he said he was just ‘making certain he could still feel sexual’. He doesn’t want to touch me, be sexual with me-asked me not to push him into anything as his ego is too frail to try it and fail and anyway I rejected him too often (I had bad endo) I feel like a cross between a housekeeper and a geisha and I used to be a Board Director. It’s like he has forgotten who I am. What do I do? Try and seduce him? When he kisses me, its on the top of my head like an Auntie. Yet he is adamant that he wants to try again and see if we can make it work. He is passive/aggressive and I feel he feels he is trapped and ‘ought’ to give it another go. What do others think? I am reasonably attractive and look after myself- surely I’m not such a hog he can’t bear to look at me?
Hello Kits,
Your husband seems confused. The fact that he was crying about what “they” use to do in Chicago would of really hurt my feelings, and not cool at all. It seems like he is still caught up in the fantasy (not the woman) and it seems like he caught feelings. The fantasy of them just being together for trips and fun, when you are cheating, you sneak away for a short period of time, and it seems like your husband got attracted to that. Unfortunately, you can not make him realize it’s just a fantasy, he has to realize on his own.
Now as far as you personally, living with a husband that is rejecting your or treating you like a roommate is not sustainable. Are you in a position to get counseling? If not, I would see if he is open for both of you to read a book together about recovery from an affair. If he is committed to working on the marriage he has to back it up with action. If he is not willing to do that, do you feel comfortable giving him a time period to get himself together and work on the marriage? Something like, I am not sure what you are going through, but for me as the wife, it’s worse, you had two women to talk to, I only have you, and now you are cold, distant, and treat me like an Aunt. I do not deserve to be treated like this, if you are upset that I rejected you in the past, then you need to make a decision if you want to stay in this marriage. I will give you a couple of days to think about this. If you are committed, that means you set up counseling, etc. I need to know you are committed and you show that by action. If you are not committed and don’t want to be here, do not drag me along, just tell me. Make him decide and if he says he wants to work it out, give him some action to take so that you know he is serious. Tell him if he doesn’t follow up with the action, you know he is just trying to be nice, and you will prepare to leave. Again, just a suggestion, you know your situation well enough to know what might work/what might not. The key in this is that if he does not want to work it out, are you mentally prepared to leave the marriage? Before talking to him, it is good to be prepared for either response so that you can handle mentally either way. Keep in touch!
I think this is useful advice though it scares me.
I am due a very big compensation payout in the New Year for the damage for the car accident- there is a bit of me saying he is only staying til then so he can claim a share under UK law. He is still sleeping in the spare room, saying I snore too much and cats disturb him and this never bothered him before. He says if I want affection- grab his hand- hug him- kiss him- why should I leave it all to him? I kinda agree but after what has happened don’t you think it should be up to him to show me affection first?
We live so far out in Wales that there are no near neighbours and when he is away I am quite literally- alone except for the animals. I have managed to get and start a new job next week teaching art to dementia care patients but it is very low paid and he points out he is still the one paying all the bills.
I find I can reheqarse all I like what I want to say but when he is here it just goes right out of my head. He says he is aware he is in the grip of some sort of crisis- love/work/money all gone wrong and I don’t know how to deal with him. He cries then I hug him then he pulls away then I am mad as I recall he had an affair, he broke his vows and yes, maybe I am not the easiest person to live with. Hearing him say he has been unhappy for years and that fact that he was dosnloading porn since the year we were MARRIED and supposedly at our happiest- is just awful. Yet he persists in saying he is committed to making this marriage work and that I should ‘deal with what has happened- the affair is over so look to the future’. Am I going mad? Is this unreasonable. I didn’t know I could FEEL anger like this. Mind you, I never knew one could dry this much either.
Hello Kits,
I hope your first week at your new job went well. I really thing that your husband should be taking more action towards the recovery of the marriage. After the affair we already feel unwanted and unloved, so I do thing that he should be taking some major steps to show that he is committed to you, not the other way around because you did not cheat, he did. He has got to step up and fight for the marriage, you can not fight for him, I know you want to so bad, but he has to put forth the effort.
My husband who makes over 6 figures a year has a God complex. Want to talk about impacting my self-esteem, his affair partner is a stripper 15 years younger than me. After the trip where he met and slept with her, he flew her across the country to hang out with him and his friend st a cubs game. That friend happened to be a groomsmen at our wedding 12 years ago. I am completely humiliated.
I went and had plastic surgery because I feel so bad about myself – it didn’t help. I enrolled to obtain my masters – it doesn’t help. Im the same size now I was before I had 3 kids – doesn’t help.
I hate both of them for making me feel less than! Whoever said no one can make you feel bad without your consent obviously has never been cheated on.
I got married to a man that was married to another woman in the USA, for 13 years. In finding this out, during maternity leave, I was shocked and devastated. I am now single again – annuled the marriage.
During the divorce/annulment time, I moved out of my house with my baby, as I could not stand being around him. A week before moving back, I found out that he has been entertaining a woman (smoking weed, sex, pornography, etc.) in my house. I lost it.
Ex husband is jobless and doesnt contribute or care about his daugther. However, he still in leadership position in church.
It is six months later, and yesterday it just dawned on me who the person is whom he was with. A woman that is in ministry with him……… I saw her in the shop, and she was reluctant to greet – I greeted and she had to greet back. Before she would have hugged and we would talk – as we used to get well along. I looked back at her – and the handbag and clothing the same as that which was at my place.
Today, I am reminding myself to set free, forgive, shake off and move on… but it is a bit difficult to do. I have not told anyone, but I need to get this out of my head. I was always fine not knowing who this woman was, as I cant change anything… I am not keen to get back with ex, not even for the child’s sake.
carring his burden – sorry I must of missed your comment that you wrote a while back. That is interesting that you tried all of those things to make you feel better, and the pain is still there. It’s just my opinion, but I think the reason is because that acceptance that you seek can only be obtained inside of you, not outside of you. And unfortunately, your self-esteem is sometimes hidden from yourself. It took over a year of self-work, reflection, therapy and alone time to finally realize what I was searching for, that self-worth was inside of me, I had to build it myself, and nobody or nothing could give it to me. I hope you find yours as well, it’s there.
Sunshine – I commend you for taking action right away, so he had a wife in the USA and a women on the side, and it part of the church – great. You and your daughter will be just find and will have a wonderful life. Moving on is a slow process, don’t beat yourself up if you are not moving as fast as you like. The main thing is that you are taking steps and making progress, and your daughter one day when she grows older is going to understand how strong and courageous mommy was during this time. Hugs to you!
My husband is amazing and sweet and kind and smart. He’s a great dad and I know he loves me so much.
But just over 2 year ago, I started to notice a distance. Maybe from his work. But when I tried to talk about it or work on it, he pushed it aside and didn’t seem to notice what I was talking about. This went on for almost a year. Things were fine and I thought this was just what people meant when they said marriage takes work. But he didn’t seem to get it.
And I started to feel like I wasn’t a priority. And maybe I’m needy. But for me . . . I wasn’t feeling good. And in the mean time I began to be friends with another man. He and I became good friends and when things started to feel weird. . . we backed away. I never lied to my husband or did anything like cheat.
Then my husband switched careers. He now had to work even more and on the weekends. I work as well and am very career-driven so this was going to be hard. With a 3 year old in day care, I was the one to compromise a lot of my schedule.
After months and months of his new venture and our lives being tipped upside down, financial commitments due to the new business, and no family time (he worked all weekend and late at night). . . things were hard. And I remember thinking how I had to be stronger and more forgiving and understanding. Then. . . one week I noticed something felt weird. He had gone away for a few days with my daughter to visit his parents and he told me I had nothing to worry about. over and over he lied. The next day I went to the doctor and was told I had herpes.
And then he confessed that a week earlier he had gone out after work and gotten drunk and kissed a girl. He says that’s all that happened. And I do believe him.
But after all that struggle with everything. . . you do this?!? It was like a slap in the face.
And now it’s almost a year later and we are together and things are ok, but I just can’t bring myself to be physical with him. I tried to have sex with him recently and it’s so hard for me. I don’t know how to get past it or what to do.
Even before he gave me herpes I would wonder if he was sleeping with other women, but I think I was just crazy and that was when I felt like we weren’t connecting.
And honestly. . . he tries so hard. And I feel like any woman would want a husband like him. He cooks, cleans, listens to me. But all of that hard stuff that went on for 2 years really changed me. And I feel like there is something wrong with me that I just can’t get over it all. Like if I could just get over what happened . . . we would be good again. Why can’t I. All these women on here have men that had full on affairs and they can do it. But. . . I can’t for this. I’m sad and frustrated and lonely. I don’t know what else to do.
Sally,
I read your story and if you believe deep down inside your heart that he is telling you the truth then you need to go on with your life and try to trust your husband. However, I think that you have some doubt in your mind and this is causing you to have problems with sex. Something is affecting you and I think it is trust. 99% of the time, if a woman thinks her husband is having an affair, most likely he is. You probably want so much to believe what he is telling you, but your instincts are questioning whether or not he is telling you the truth. I don’t know what your age is but when you are young and in love you believe whatever your husband tells you. You want to believe it because sometimes the alternative is devastating.
Sally, this is my advice to you. Try to mend your marriage and open up your heart to your husband. But please, keep your senses about you and question when something doesn’t feel right. I look back on my marriage now and there were many times that I overlooked incidences that I really should have questioned.
Good luck to you!