If Your Husband Committed Infidelity, Be Prepared to Face the Most Difficult Predicament You Will Ever Face in Your Marriage

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If Your Husband Committed Infidelity, Be Prepared to Face the Most Difficult Predicament You Will Ever Face in Your Marriage post image

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There is no lower point in your marriage than finding out that your husband committed infidelity. It literally turns your entire world upside down. Anger, fear, and pain become your best friends. In fact, it really is the most difficult situation to overcome in a marriage. The same question plays over and over again like a messed up recorder “Should I stay or should I leave, should I stay or should I leave, should I stay or should I leave?”

If you’re in this situation remember that if you couldn’t handle it, you would not have been given it. Sometimes just hearing that, and hearing that the situation is difficult, will make you not feel like you are going crazy. It is an extremely difficult situation.

Take time to be still and think holistically about what has occurred. You do not have to rush the decision, but at the same time do not torture yourself for years with the decision. That is going to be too painful for you to bear. Trust life and trust that whatever decision you make is the right one for you. It is a hard decision to make but once you make it, you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I am not advising you to stay or leave, because you have to make that call. But if you ever feel like you are overwhelmed with the choice, take a deep breath, pause, and know that you are not alone.

Virtual Hugs!!

  • Judy November 1, 2010, 8:34 PM

    Searching the web yet again looking for something, anything to help me cope with this nightmare. After 32 yrs of marriage, without even a hint of this ever becoming my life, my husband had an affair, although it was over by the time I confronted him, it has been 8 months of pure hell. A rollercoaster of emotions I was not prepared for. I went from disbelief and crying, to anger and crying and now just such sadness and crying. It is absolutely the most difficult predicament in my marriage. I thought when I first found out I might be able to move beyond it if I believed my husband was truly sorry, but I find at this time, I just want to get a divorce, get him out of my life and somehow move on. I will never be able to forgive him for this, if he was unhappy he should have come and told me, I knew something was wrong between us and I never strayed. He took everything away from me, and never even gave a choice of whether I wanted it taken away. I am in such despair over this, and I have always considered myself a strong, independent woman, but nothing ever prepares you for this, she wasn’t even a younger woman, she was close to my age — unless you go through this ( and I don’t wish this on anyone…well, maybe the other woman if her husband finds out she cheated), friends, family don’t understand how this paralyzes you. I am in purgatory for the sins of my husband.

  • Jewels November 1, 2010, 10:38 PM

    Judy,
    I am sorry to hear about your husband cheating. I actually did the same thing, saying to myself ‘if that (cheating) ever happened to me, I am a strong woman, and I will deal with it. WELL, my husband cheating rocked my entire world in ways that I never imagined. You still seem shaken up over the situation. You’re right about 1 thing and wrong about another (smile). You’re right in that no one will ever know how difficult this is unless this happens to them – that’s a fact. You’re wrong in that he took everything from you. You are still a strong and independent women, you are just clouded by the sadness of disappointment in your husband. You will recover and the world will see that strong independent woman again. Hang in there, no matter what happens in your marriage, the hardest thing to actually get back is your confidence as a woman. Every single emotion you wrote I have felt for a long time, but I am in a much better state, and you will be as well. I wish the best for you Judy.

  • Judy November 2, 2010, 8:22 AM

    Jewels:

    Thank you for your encouraging response. I am stuck in limbo right now, not knowing what I want to do. As my husband and I own a business with two locations, in two different states, I have had him go to the other location to work from there. I am leaning towards divorce, as much as we tried over the summer to get through this, as he stated to me upon the original confrontation, that I will not be able to get over this, and he is right, I am unable to move beyond the affair. The idea that he did this, and began the affair the night I was at the hospital as my Dad was suffering the onset of a massive stroke, which my husband was informed of hours before his planned dinner with this woman at OUR home. As I have said to him over and over, he had hours to cancel the plans once he realized what I was going thru 1200 miles away and yet still had the woman come over for dinner, which then led to the first encounter. What is also very difficult, is that he had so much phone/text communication with this woman for over 3 months, and I barely got him to communicate with me at all, except for business conversations. I kept telling my husband for months before his affair that I felt there was something wrong between us, and he kept dismissing it. I don’t understand why he didn’t come and let me know that he agreed there was a problem, rather than pursue this friendship, in which he was clearly attracted to this woman. I feel like I am going crazy, as I can’t think about anything else. I have sought therapy, but didn’t really find it helpful. Does any of this get better, is it actually possible to move beyond this and stay married?

  • Jewels November 2, 2010, 11:25 PM

    I think it is possible to stay married and work to recover from the affair. Think about how much time and effort it would take to move beyond the affair. Now triple that amount you just thought of, that’s how much hard work you BOTH have to be willing to repair the damage. You mentioned that you went to therapy, is your husband willing to do joint marriage therapy? Is he willing to share his email and phone with you, so you can start to rebuild trust? I am not asking you to ask this of your husband, but just think about those questions and ask yourself are you and him willing to really make your best effort to repair the marriage. If you’re BOTH willing, great. If not, then one party is setting themselves up for a very difficult battle. In my situation, I was willing, but my husband was not willing to actually execute on the amount of hard work that it takes to rebuild the marriage, it was more of ‘why do we have to do X and we don’t need to do y’, by the time I got him to come around, I was exhausted from trying to carry the marriage on my shoulders, so I ended it. It’s your decision at the end of the day, you will make the choice that is right for you.

  • Susan November 8, 2010, 3:32 PM

    Hi Judy and Jewels! Judy, my heart goes out to you, as you are telling my start. My husband cheated while I was recovering from a broken neck and I know how much worse the fact that they weren’t even there for you in a time of crisis makes it. I knew he was cheating and would confront him and ask him to not leave every night and he would tell me Im crazy and he was going to the store (every night at 6:45)
    for three hours!! I too cannot get the affair off my mind, I am consumed by negative intrusive thoughts all day and night. I have shared my story with Jewels, the other woman was also married but wanted my husband to leave me so she harassed me once they were caught. She emailed, texted, came to our home and told me horrible details via email that are burned into me. We are trying to work it out and are in counseling but it’s not easing my trauma, I can’t stand for him to touch me because all I see is him touching her. My only advice is to give yourself the time you need and keep reaching out to women how share your pain. Your path will be shown to you . I don’t know if I will stay married but if I leave I want to do it knowing I did all I could to honor my vows and know Im leaving with grace and dignity.

    • Jewels November 10, 2010, 12:15 AM

      Thanks Susan for your encouragement. Dealing with a cheating husband is so difficult, but we will get through this!!

  • Judy November 8, 2010, 8:22 PM

    Susan:
    Thank you for your comments. I am so grateful for women like yourself who make me feel like I am not crazy, but also so sad for women like yourself who know the pain of a cheating spouse.

    I have been on a roller coaster this week, at the end of last week I was going to see a lawyer and then when I couldn’t imagine not being married after 32 yrs, cancelled the appt. and told my husband I would try a little more before walking away to having about 2 days of “peace” to being back at wanting to just be done with my husband. Unfortunately, every time I have to handle a situation with our business and/or personal lives on my own without my husband being available to help (he is currently sailing our boat from Maryland to Florida), I am instantly reminded of his “absence” from my life/business when he was busy with the other woman (who also was married). This weekend our business computer “crashed” and as I am not as competent regarding computers as my husband, I totally flipped out on him on the phone and started screaming when he offered to try and help me as best he can, I immediately threw up to him about his affair, and that he always seems to get to have “fun” and I am left with the responsibilities of everything.

    I am so resentful that he got to do what he did, and yet still gets to have me in his life. How fair is this. Where is the punishment for his actions, I am being punished every day with the pain of what he did after 32 years. This is so hard, I would never have thought an unfaithful spouse is so completely debilatating, I didn’t think I could have so much anger and sadness at the same time…and crying, this is my new past time.

    I know what you mean about the touching part, every time I have tried to be intimate with my husband,all I see his him with her (I did ask for details), and then I end up crying. I met her when I confronted him and so she is not a “blank” face in my images, I see her and him. As they texted quite often, everytime my husband texts me about something, I immediately envision their texts… how can someone possible move on from this, with or without their spouse, because even if I divorce him, the pain will always be there.

    • Jewels November 10, 2010, 12:34 AM

      Hello Judy,

      I know you can’t see it now, but you can move on from this with the right techniques in place. I found out that my husband cheated through his 300 plus texts to the other woman. I saw every single one of them and everytime he has his phone for sent a text I wanted to cry and did sometimes. I am past that and I don’t allow it to get to me anymore, but it took a while for me to get there.

      The touching/foreplay issues is difficult and you’re not alone. People that are sexually abused go through the same thing, this shows you how tramatic this experience can be.

      Concerning the anger, at a certain point Judy, you are going to look at your husband and situation, and you’re going to want to let go of the anger, not for your husband’s sake, but for your sake. Even as you write your story, you say that he is off sailing, and your home angry, crying and miserable – not cool at all. By releasing the anger, you’re not forgiving him or ‘condoning’ his actions, you’re simply saying I refuse to allow my engery to be consumed by anger because of him or his actions. It’s about perserving your precious mind and energy towards something that makes you happy. I know you’re not quite there yet, but one day when you’re ready, you’re going to look at what I wrote and it’s going to click. Take care and keep in touch!!

  • Judy November 10, 2010, 11:23 AM

    Jewels:

    I wish I knew how to release the anger, I really don’t know how to even begin to let that go, and in doing so, you are right, I am concerned if I find a way to no longer be angry, it is as if I gave my permission and/or condoned his behaviour. The anger only comes into play once in awhile, I am suffering much more from the hurt of it all. Right after I confronted him about this and he admitted it, I started seeing a therapist (by myself & he & I together), I kept asking the therapist, where is my anger, I don’t feel anger (and in the beginning, I didn’t just shock & despair), she said it will come. Then it did, but not with the fury I would have expected.

    While my husband has been on this sailing trip, I have stopped taking any of his phone calls because I find that when I did talk to him at the start of the trip, it tortured me that once again he is having a good time at my expense (meaning I am left with dealing with our business & personal issues), as before during his affair, I felt his “good time” was at my expense of our marriage. I have to say that by not talking with him, I am much more at peace, so I am thinking this might be a clear sign that I don’t want him in my life anymore. What do you think?

    • Jewels November 11, 2010, 10:16 PM

      Hello Judy,

      I am not sure if you not talking to him is a sign that you don’t want to be with him, or if it is a sign that you are in real need for peace and quiet in your life so you can have some time to think and make a clear choice. One of the hardest parts of the affair is actually making the choice to stay or leave, it’s so scary. But after you make it, there is a burden or weight lifted off your shoulders, you don’t realize how much not making a decision weighs you down until you actually do it 🙂

  • Susan November 10, 2010, 11:49 AM

    Hello Ladies,

    Again, thank you for all your comments and support, I wish we could have “met” under much different circumstances. I am also dealing with anger and mine has been explosive at times. I caught my husband via a text message,however; I knew in my heart for three months that he was cheating with a customer of ours. I begged him repeatedly to not leave every night and kept trying to get to his phone. (he kept his phone on him constantly).

    When I found the text message he denied the affair and said she meant nothing to him other than they were friends. I then went to her store and very politely asked her to leave my husband alone, she laughed at me and told me that my husband didn’t want her to leave him alone. I was beyond humiliated and hurt. When I got back home my husband was gone. He returned home the next day, I told him if he ended it and told me the whole truth I would do anything to keep our marriage. He called her in front of me and left a message it was over. We argued and he left. I later found out he had “faked” the message and she came to his sisters and they had sex.

    He lied to me about how involved they were and said he wasn’t seeing her only to have her call, text and email me graphic details in the hopes I would leave. He kept lying.

    I am still in a state of rage a lot of times and extremely hurt. My mother passed away in January so I have been hit in every direction possible. I allowed my husband to move home last week and am unsure if that was the right decision. I feel like a chump for working on my marriage, he allowed this woman to torture me and still saw her. That hurts as much as the affair and the deceitfulness. I can get so angry I am screaming at the top of my lungs at him when we argue and trying to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I feel that my anger is my only defense, it’s as if I’ve lost my ability to rationally stand up for myself. I am either crying, obsessively thinking about it or raging.

    How do I get to the place to stop being so crazy? I am up most of the night and very depressed. I don’t think I’ve even begun to grieve for my mother, it’s been so many losses at once.

    Any and all feedback would help. Am I being a doormat for staying? Will my sanity ever be restored?
    Thanks again ladies I look forward to hearing from you.
    Jewels I sending you good thoughts as you embark on your new journey.

    Susan

    • Jewels November 11, 2010, 10:31 PM

      Susan,

      I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother, when it rains it pours. As I read your story, it brings back memories. My husband also did things that actually gave the other woman the upper hand, like he was protecting her, and that was so humiliating. Even the part where you said she laughed at you – how rude!! Most women feel like a ‘chump’ when working on their marriage because of the guilt and shame of the entire situation. But I actually think anyone that actually tries to work on their marriage is a strong person. I think Judy mentioned this, but if you work on your marriage and that is not enough, at least you leave knowing you gave it a shot.

      I believe you caught your husband about a year and a half ago if I am not mistaken. It seems like you’re still in the devastation stage. I think it’s time for you to move into the recovery stage. The recovery stage has many challenges and obstacles, but it is all positive progress towards recovery. If you’re still in a totally devastated state, it’s hard to recover. In order for you to recover, you have to really reflect on your marriage, reflect on his actions of the past and present, talk with your husband and figure out if the both of you are really trying to work things out. You both have to be all the way in for it to work – all the way. Not sure if you read my free ebook, but is he willing to stop keeping his phone so tight? Is he willing to openly share the phone with you to rebuild trust? Once you really evaluate and make a decision to stay or leave, you will overcome a huge hurdle in the battle towards personal recovery. You have many more left, but hey, one hurdle is better than none, just something for you to think about 🙂

  • Raynejasper November 11, 2010, 1:07 AM

    Hello ladies. It’s really hard to deal with cheating husband most especially if you’ve learn to trust him again after he cheated you before.. This is my situation now.. I’m furious and I don’t know what to do. I just found out through his phone that he is still seeing the girl.. All the while, I thought their affair was over only to find out that it’s not. It hurts me so much and I feel like exploding. I want to hurt them also as they hurt me because that is the only way I know at this very moment that could ease the pain that I feel. I’ve read so much about giving unconditional love and I started doing that for the sake of our family. However, how can we give unconditional love if we found out that our husband is cheating on us? Its like a very impossible thing to do. I’m in my work right now and I keep on thinking what to do when I go home. Shall I drown myself in drinking beer? I don’t actually drink but I feel like doing it.. I feel hurt and rejected.. and I know my husband doesn’t have any plans to let go of the girl yet. I don’t know why. He doesn’t even tell me where I went wrong if I did something to drive him to cheat me. Thanks to this kind of site that I was beginning to control my feelings as I keep reading the different situations that you’ve gone through. You’ve given me hope that after all this, I will be able to find peace and happiness. I just pray that I will be able to control my feelings until then so I would not do anything that I will regret in the end. Thanks again ladies.

    • Jewels November 11, 2010, 10:43 PM

      Hello Raynejasper,

      One of the hardest parts to overcome concerning the affair is your self-esteem. The pain and hurt was so hard for me, I just wanted the pain to go away. I’m not proud of it, but I tried to drink and use various drugs to get rid of the pain, and it didn’t work (I actually think I will write a post about that). Just something to keep in mind, our husbands seem very similar, and if that is the case, don’t except or depend on him to get you through this, you will end up even more disappointed like I was. Now is the time to focus on YOU, how YOU feel, what are YOUR needs, and how YOU can recover. You’re really not even in a position right now to make a decision on the marriage because the pain is so fresh. Hang in there and don’t beat yourself up for not knowing that he was still seeing her (that is what I did), you did the best that you could with the knowledge you had. Take care.

  • Chris November 11, 2010, 11:51 AM

    I have to agree, being cheated on is the lowest point of my life. I found out my husband was cheating for the last 10 months. He says he ended it and wants to make it work with me. I am so hurt, I can’t accept his apology or his love. I feel he chose to walk out on me and our family (2 girls) 10 months ago. He made the choice to cheat instead of coming to talk to me about the problems in our marriage. We have been married for 15 years. How can he say he loves me and yet he told this other woman he loved her. And told her he was leaving me, but he didn’t. I have zero trust in him and feel sick all the time thinking about what he did and wondering when it will happen again. I would like to think we could work it out, but can’t get over the feelings of why he deserves me and the kids, why he deserves to have us as a family and why he should be happy, when I will be hurt the rest of my life. It will always be in the back of my mind. We have been talking about it every day. He has given up facebook and his email where he used to communicate with her, but I am not sure how long that will last. And he has not given me the answers I need. He says he is sorry, but I can’t believe it right now. If he was sorry, why did he continue it for so long? How can he love me now and not then? Why does he want to fix the relationship now when he didn’t want to take the time to fix it a year ago before he cheated. I am just struggling with what to do. How long should this go on?

    • Jewels November 11, 2010, 10:52 PM

      Chris,

      Another facebook story, so unfortunate. You have a great deal of questions concerning his infidelity. It’s actually a good thing that he gave up his facebook and email (because most cheaters don’t), but it doesn’t really decrease the pain. And just so you know, even if you get all the questions answered, the pain will not become less because of his responses. I think you and your husband should sit down and talk about next steps. Think about what you need to really take some time and think. Can he watch the kids twice a week while you take a walk or just get some fresh air? Is he willing to go to professional marriage counseling? Infidelity is very complicated, counselors can sometimes help in this space, especially with some of those emotions that just won’t go away. Best of luck Chris!

  • Judy November 11, 2010, 1:24 PM

    Chris:

    I don’t have any answers for you, I will leave that to others who entered into this purgatory for the sins of their husbands and found their way out, for me it is too early, as it has only been 6 months since I found out. I do want to say that you are the first person that truly has verbalized what I have been trying to get family/friends to understand, that why is my husband also willing to do what is necessary now to restore our marriage, when he didn’t even attempt to work at it and recognize something was wrong between us BEFORE he started the affair. Why should he get his life back the way it was, and I will never get my life back the way it was. Why does he get to do what he did and still hope to get me back. He says he never stopped loving me that he didn’t love this other woman and that he had no plans of leaving me for her (…how thoughtful of him!), and he certainly never expected me to find out.

    I recently have been reading that men over a certain age, my husband is 53, don’t generally begin affairs due to sex, but an emotional need, that sex just is a benefit of that affair. So, I am left with thinking that he drifted from an emotional connection with me, but somehow now I am good enough to have that with again. I told him that I feel like the consolation prize, since this other woman (who was also married) is no longer in his life. I don’t know why things ended, they were over before I confronted him, as is evidenced by the pages of the phone bill showing the communication started to slow down and then eventually didn’t exist any longer. He also admitted that things just ended, but he doesn’t know why, they just did. I have and will always believe these things just don’t end, someone ends them, and because I don’t know who, I am always thinking she ended it, and my husband, who wouldn’t have bothered to try to continue, as he had told me the relationship wasn’t worth it, it was becoming too much trouble. I feel that I am “back” in his life because she isn’t. So perhaps, Jewels or someone else, can help with the constant questions we all seem to have, as to why should they deserve a second chance?

    I am amazed at how suffering from an affair is similar to suffering with a disease, in as much, as we are all different woman, from all different backgrounds, yet we all seem to have the same pain, hurt, despair, as one would expect if we all had the same disease, we would all have the same suffering.

    • Jewels November 11, 2010, 10:59 PM

      Judy, I love how you correlated cheating to a disease, the similarities are amazing. I can understand both you and Chris’s perspective. Most of the time, they always want to work it out. Men’s confidence is very heavily related to their family. They want to maintain that image. But in my opinion, once you both commit to working things out, you can tell whether your husband is really in it to work things out, or just saving face. It might not come out initially, but trust me, the true intentions will become evident. For my husband, it was just his lack of effort. I had to schedule the marriage counseling. I had to convince him why I wanted full disclosure of his phone. I had to initiate conversations. After a while, I got to the point where I was angry and felt like I was desperate or something. I stopped trying to work it out, just to see what he would do. And you know what, he didn’t set up to the plate, and at that moment, I started planning to exit the marriage. So long story short, I wouldn’t get caught up in the questions, I would let his actions tell the story for both you and Chris 🙂

  • Susan November 11, 2010, 2:32 PM

    Hello Ladies,

    I agree with Judy that Jewels is the one to guide us through all these questions regarding why she should allow them to remain in our lives. My husband also says that she meet his emotional needs as he claims he felt “heard” by her. He never once told me he was so unhappy. I was recovering from a broken neck and in constant pain and on a lot of pain meeds at the time. I wasn’t capable of being emotionally present as I was isolated, not working and in chronic pain. He always acted so patient and supportive, never once sharing with me his real feelings. I thank him daily for his care and apologized that he had to carry such a heavy load.

    He met the other woman (also married) as a customer, he is a contractor and was hired to remodel her house. Apparently they began inappropriately their struggles in their marriages and offered emotional support which rapidly turned into complaining about how terrible their spouses were. My son worked for us and was at the job site everyday so they began meeting at her store in order to conceal there budding relationship.

    I felt his detachment from me immediately and at first blamed myself due to injuries. He began spending more and more time away from home and talked about her incessantly. I would share my concerns and insecurities regarding her and he would get angry with me for saying I felt jealous and inset about his fondness for her.

    He claims that there was a brief time during the affair that he had decided to leave me and they even discussed how she would help support me financially until I got back on my feet. That is so incredibly hurtful and humiliating for me. I can’t grasp who he is that he could have conversations like that and then walk in the door as if everything was normal. I think that hurts worse than the sex.

    My husband also continued to see her after he was caught for two months. He was lying to both of us at to what his feelings and intentions were. I contacted her and told her was telling me he was working on his marriage and that it was over and he had no contact with her. I again found text messages and knew he was lying, she then shared that he saw her everyday and was telling her he was giving me six months to get better and then he would tell me it was over.

    He did then end it a week after that, however that still feels like a knife in my heart that he could be so cruel to me. I don’t know how to feel safe with him and I am also very angry that he thinks I should just forgive him and stay married. I feel like the back up plan as well. She is twelve years younger than I am and very wealthy and here I was not working, not able to drive and completely dependent on him. I feel like he was tossing me in the garbage as if I had no value to him anymore.

    He expressed extreme remorse over hisnactions and stated over and over that I knew everything. I had received a horrible email from her two months after the affair ended with graphic details about the sex, conversations, personal things she knew about me and my family. I confronted him on this and initially he denied that their was any truth to it. It took eleven moths of fighting ,arguing and crying to get him to acknowledge line by line that what she said was true. After each confession he would adamantly deny that there was more to admit to. I didn’t believe him as her time lines and knowledge of myself and my family only could have come from him. Ironically she had much’ more credibility than he did. This prolonged any healing and stopped any trust building. I was dealing with my Mothers death and the selling of our family home at the same time.

    I feel like a fool for allowing him to move home and work on our marriage. He doesn’t deserve me or our family. He threw us away for an adulterous mean spirited whore. I wish I had never met him at times. My children are from my first marriage and want nothing to do with him. I wonder if all these obstacles are a sign that we should just divorce. My children won’t come over if he is here so that means I can’t have our traditional holidays and so forth.

    I am so conflicted as to the course I should follow and whether or not I can ever heal from this. Judy you are absolutely right that their betrayal is trauma. We literally are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Triggers, flashbacks and all the personality changes as well as the gamut of emotions are the criterias for this disorder. I believe knowledge is power and encourage all of us to find a counselor that is well versed in these issues and continue to reach out to each other. God bless you Jewels for creating this website!

    Sorry if I rambled along here, I just can’t seem to stop the ranting and rage towards him and all the pain he has inflicted on our family. I want redemption and it doesn’t feel possible at this time. I mean who would watch someone lose their Mother and continue to lie to them and see them suffering from such huge losses and still protect themselves rather than tell the truth and deal with the consequences.

    Jewels we need your guidance and wisdom. I hope you are settling into your apartment and finding some peace. Thanks again to all of you for your honesty and support.

    Susan

    • Jewels November 11, 2010, 11:13 PM

      Thanks so much Susan for your kind words. As i read more into your story, I think it’s time to focus on you. I did the same thing in my situation as a test to see if he really wanted to work on the marriage, or if he was just trying to save face with family and friends. I went cold turkey and stop working on the marriage, and started to focus on me. I thought about what I wanted to do, what made me happy, what I put on hold because of him. And then I slowly started doing those things. You are not a fool for taking him back, that is your husband, you trusted him, even after the worst betrayal you could have in a marriage, and he just doesn’t get how incredibly loyal and dedicated you are, he might have to find out the hard way. That chick would never of stayed as long as you have, but he is too blind to see it right now. Remember, it’s not your job to ‘make him pay’ (takes too much of your precious energy). TRUST ME, he will pay in his own time. When the family falls apart, everyone looks at the man, especially with infidelity. He might think he has the upper hand, but just wait, it might not happen right now, or even within the next year, but one day he is going to regret what and how he treated you – unfortunately, by the time our husbands ‘wake up’, we have mentally removed ourselves from the marriage. Hang in there, things will get better.

  • Judy November 11, 2010, 3:12 PM

    Susan:

    I am sure that I feel like everyone else when I say, ramble away. We are the only ones who will not get tired “talking” about this, because I know for myself, and it sounds like for you too, that it is all you want to talk, rant, cry, etc. about. I am both possessed and paralyzed by this. My brother died last February after a very aggressive form of cancer, and I can tell you that my grief over my husband’s affair is far worse than I felt over my brother, because as sad as I was to lose my only brother, he didn’t do anything to cause my suffering, it was not his choice — my suffering from my husband’s affair was totally in his control, and as I told my husband, someone who loves their spouse and professes to be happily married (although like you, I told him for months before the affair their was a distance between us – which he denied) does not cheat, does not cause them this much hurt on purpose, because his affair was certainly no accident.

    I wish I had the commitment and courage to make a decision and stick with it, whether that means leaving or staying, but the indecision, the wavering is so difficult. Jewels, how do you know when you need to move on, do you have any doubts or are you 100% sure, with no regrets?

    Thank you to all who responded and those who might not respond but just read these comments, because at least it helps us know we have a bond with strangers who because of this nightmare are more like friends.

    • Jewels November 11, 2010, 11:18 PM

      Judy you asked how I came to my decision about my husband….

      I had doubts, but once I made my decision, that was it, there was no turning back. I haven’t talked about it much on the blog but I am a believer in affirmations. I just kept telling myself that the decision I made is the best for me and my family. I made my decision because I literally was worrying myself sick over this. I had to stop, it was causing me to have health problems. Then I let it go of holding on to all of the anger and pain, and kind of turned it over to my husband to help rebuild the marriage. He was the one that cheated, so he needed to really step up, I couldn’t carry the load. Well, he didn’t do anything. He wasn’t willing to put forth the effort to make it work. I was angry about it at first, but it was a good sign for me that I needed to leave. I couldn’t be in a marriage where I was carrying all the weight of all the problems, I would be miserable for the rest of my life. That was over a year ago, and it look me that long to save up and prepare for the move, but during that time, since I knew my game plan, I was in a much better state than before. Hope this helps!!

      **And please continue to dialogue, no reply is too long and it’s not ranting to me, it’s healing, we are all in this together!!

  • Susan November 11, 2010, 10:53 PM

    Hi Jewels,

    You are right I am still in the devastation stage. I just found out a half hour ago that he has been continuing to lie. I basically had to pry it out of him but he finally admitted that they had talked about getting married and what they would do to emotionally support each other. So I’m home with a broken neck and he’s telling her what a great husband he will be and all the things he will do to help and nurture her!!! I can’t do this anymore, I spent six grand on a vacation for us to spend two weeks in Hawaii for our anniversary and Thanksgiving (due to leave the 15th) and he conveniently forgot to tell me or our counselor that he was lying about them planning to marry.

    I am shaking so hard right now, I have so much adrenaline running through me I feel like I just want to get in my car and drive away. I asked him to leave and he refuses. I made such a huge mistake letting him move back home. I am so angry at myself for once again falling for his crap.

    We have been in counseling since August and he does let me look at his phone (but he hasn’t lived here) and I do have the password to his email. I feel they were all manipulations on his part, he is still trying to control the outcome of his actions and create a false reality for me. I feel like I’m going crazy. Nothing is what I thought it was, I am beyond devastated.

    I spent money from my inheritance to pay the bills while he was out of them house and the vacation. That money wouldmhave covered three months of mortgage. I am such an idiot!!!

    I’m not sure what to do, but I had to tell you what is happening. I don’t think I can heal as long as he is in my life. I am so grateful to have your support.

    I look forward to hearing from you all.

    Susan

  • Human lie detector November 12, 2010, 12:18 AM

    Hi all,

    if you want to know FOR SURE whether your husband / wife is cheating, you should have a look at this:
    https://www.spousecheat.com/most-common-signs-for-cheating

    good luck.

  • Judy November 12, 2010, 6:50 AM

    Jewels:

    I think you might have really “hit home” with your last comments to me regarding all your trying and then deciding to stop and see if your husband ” stepped up to the plate” and when he didn’t that was what allowed you to make the decision to take back your life.

    I am in the same situation, although my husband went to counseling with me, continued to say he wanted to work at things, it always felt like I was “doing” all the work. When we would have a fight about the affair, or I would just become completely overwhelmed by it and my emotions would take over and I would start to cry, more often than not he would shut down (like he did before the affair) and not try to console me, just sit in silence. And on the nights that it would turn into a big fight and I would ask him to sleep in another room, the next day, he would not broach the subject with me, I would have to approach him about it, and I told him that always hurt me, that if he truly wanted things to try and get better, he would need to broach the subject of the affair with me, whether it was after a big fight, or just when he knew I was sad. I gave him a book that I had read and asked him to read it as well so he could understand what I was actually going thru (PTSD), he read a couple of chapters when he was travelling this summer, but then gave the book back to me saying he would read the rest later(never again asked for the book), but found plenty of time to read “charts” to prepare for his sailing trip.

    Whenever I have asked my husband why he doesn’t broach the subject of the affair with me, asking me what kind of a day I am having, do I want to talk about it, or anything related to the affair, he says because he wishes it had never happened and just wants it to go away, so of course he doesn’t want to bring it up. I have told him over & over, that shutting down is only reminiscint of his shutting down and not coming to me before the affair to tell he me he was worried about us, things were different (as he says he realizes now). Recently, when I told him I probably wanted to go to an attorney, he totally shut down, just accepted it, when I became “weak” about the impending divorce, I sent him a long e-mail to which he responded & said all the things about always loving me with the last breath of his body, etc. So I said I would hold off and give things a try a little longer, ,then when the weekend computer incident happened & he wasn’t here to assist me & I threw the affair up to his face and stopped talking to him, all his texts/e-mails have been related to business only, with no “I love you, I’m sorry” nothing — I had told him during the summer that no matter how I react or treat him due to the affair, during this time of us trying to work things out that he has to continue to try to show me how he feels, to basically get me to fall in love with him again. I told him that as long as he continues to shut down like he did before then he isn’t making the changes he promised to make, and how can we go forward when he continues to go backwards. So with all this, my question to you Jewels, are these similar to the signs that led you out the door.

    • Jewels November 12, 2010, 10:54 PM

      Judy,

      My situation was a little different, my husband doesn’t shut down, when he gets in an uncomfortable spot, he deflects. So if I say, you really hurt my feelings, instead of actually listening, he just says ‘you hurt my feelings too’. Grr!! At the end of the day, I can’t really tell you what the signs are that will lead you to make your decision because I don’t know your entire story. That is why you have to assess and just trust that whatever decision you make is the right one for you. Trust it.

  • Susan November 12, 2010, 3:11 PM

    Judy,
    I can totally relate to your feelings and frustrations about your husband not being the one to bring things up. I always feel more betrayed and discounted because I am left dealing with on my own because my husband doesn’t want to look at his selfishness and cruelty. I look at as he is still being selfish and only thinking about himself. I also had to be the one to say we should go to counseling. He goes but still minimizes his actions. I have needed my husband to be honest, open and courageously face exactly what he has done to me. The truth is ugly yet it must be faced dead on and brought to light. How else can we begun to feel any goodwill towards them when they keep letting us bear the burdens while they compartmentalize and deny the impact of their actions.

    I’m not sure about whether being away fromo your husband now is a sign that you should truly separate or it’s just an opportunity to have some peace in your home and a chance to think without him being right there. My husband moved home on the first and my anger, grief and hurt has amplified exponentially. He is a trigger and seeing his truck in the driveway kills me(they had sex in it).

    I’m glad your reading about PTSD as a rape survivor I can honestly say that my husband betrayal has been more painful and traumatic than the rape. That guy was just a sick asshole and wasn’t personally attacking me. As strange as that sounds it is my truth. I also have felt worse about his affair than the loss of my Mother in some ways. My Mom didn’t betray me and I miss her dearly and really need her right now but I know she is with God and my Dad and at peace. Those beliefs help me through the really sad times missing her. I long for peace for all of us.

    I wrote an email to my husband last night reversing our names as if it was me that had done all the things he’s done to him. It was really powerful and he seemed very subdued when he called and said he had just read it at work. Maybe that would help I don’t know. Men have an ability to push things aside and not deal with them and we as women are just hard wired differently. Have you shared your need for him to self disclose in front of your counselor. I have and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere yet but I’m going to continue to speak my truth!!!

    I look forward to hearing from you all soon. Let’s all do something for ourselves today that is relaxing and enjoyable.
    Susan

    • Jewels November 12, 2010, 10:51 PM

      Thanks Susan,

      You are so spot on by your comment about this being worse than rape. People that haven’t experienced their husband cheating just don’t get comments like that, but I totally understand what you’re saying. I often say that the lying was worse than actually having sex with another woman, people don’t really get it but that is how I feel.

      I read a book that said that infidelity is more traumatic than the death of a spouse (I really need to find that book so I can write the actual statement). With death, there are things outside of your spouses control, with cheating, you put all of your trust in someone that betrayed you, that is very traumatic experience. The one person is the world that knows you in and out cheats, it really does diminish your self esteem, you have to build that from the ground up as well.

  • Chris November 12, 2010, 3:17 PM

    Jewels, I really like what you wrote about whether he is trying to make it work to save face or if he is for real. I have told him he needs to help drive this recovery if he really wants it. Time will tell whether he steps up or not. I want to try to make it work, but am so devastated every time I think of what he did. He admits he wasn’t thinking and it was a mistake. But that is not enough for me. In my mind he made a conscious choice. He must have known what it would do to me and the kids. And he knew what he was doing. This woman was in a different state and he made up work reasons to fly to see her. Every time he left for a “business” trip he was leaving his kids behind, which is even more devastating to me. Then I find out he was not only having an affair with this woman in another state (old girlfriend), he was having an emotional affair with someone at his work. This woman was going through a divorce so they were spending lunch hours alone in her apartment, him listening to her problems and he, of course, told her how bad his marriage to me was. Funny thing, he never once came to me to talk about how bad our marriage was. They even discussed getting together. So again, my questions still hangs out there, if I wasn’t good enough for him to take the time to fix our relationship before the infidelity, why should I give him the time of day now?

  • Chris November 12, 2010, 3:45 PM

    Me again. I just couldn’t let it go from the way I ended my last post. He is doing all the right things, says he was being selfish, wasn’t thinking, etc. He has not gone out since I found out. I am paranoid everytime he goes somewhere alone. So now we go everywhere together as a family (even shopping), something, we haven’t done in awhile. He has given up facebook and his email. I now control these and changed the passwords. I do realize he can set up new accounts on his own, but it is helping me that he was willing to give them up. He puts his phone down when he comes home so it is visible and allows me to check the work emails and phone log. But I cannot babysit him forever and don’t want to. But there is zero trust now. I have lost absolutely all trust in him. I feel he deserves to suffer a bit. I just don’t know how we will ever get the trust back. I don’t know how long he will be willing to give up these freedoms. It has only been 3 weeks. I am still in the devastation period and haven’t even thought about the relationship yet. He is such a social person and likes to go out and hang around other people, I wonder when he will give up. We have talked about taking it one day at a time. But right now, I just can’t get past the hurt and the fact that he did this to me and the kids!

  • raynejasper November 12, 2010, 7:28 PM

    Dear Jewels,

    Thank you so much. Even now, my tears are still falling. I took a leave yesterday to think it over. I’ve tried getting drunk and I’ve been crying all day. Right now, I just decided to be happy and smile even if things are difficult. I just continue praying for enlightenment. Thank you for this site that I find encouragement. I still love my husband despite of everything. Maybe because when I decided to let him be part of my life, I also give my love to him without conditions. This makes it lighter for me because I knew I haven’t done anything wrong. And if ever I’ll decide to get out of the house with my daughter, I would still tell him that I love him but I didn’t like to be hurt again. I pray a lot and I read books in order to recover.

  • Susan November 13, 2010, 1:12 PM

    Hello Ladies,

    I have been reading a book titled “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It is about angry, controlling men. Emotional abuse is the most common form of Domestic Violence, however, it is not classified as a crime yet which is much more harm than physical abuse. It is my belief that cheating, lying and betrayal are the ultimate forms of emotional abuse.

    Judy, at the back of the book, there is a chapter based solely on the indicators and criteria to assess whether or not they are making true and lasting change. There is an excellent story about a man who cuts down a special tree and causes great harm and loss to his neighbor and illustrates the actions this man must make in planting a new tree and how much work and nurturing will be required of him. It really spoke to me as it applies such a powerful metaphor regarding our trauma and despair.

    I look at the indicators of change in the book as a helpful tool in assessing my husbands true desire to change vs. His desire to just have all this go away.

    My story involved so much emotional abuse throughout the months leading up to my having concrete information that he was cheating with her. I was told I was crazy and had to much time on my hands, she was a good customer and providing work for our family etc. Etc. That need for him to cover his misdeeds and create a false reality for me is clearly emotional abuse. As is the ongoing lies about the affair whether they are still seeing the other woman or not. Any attempts to create a false reality or dictate how much we know in order to achieve the outcome they desire is crazy making and abusive. My husband denied and minimized the extent of his relationship even after she sent me that horrible email with ALL the details. He has gone so far as to say their conversations as to whether or not he wanted children(she told him she would have his child) and how they would emotionally support each other and she would pack his lunch, cook dinner etc. Was not really talking about marriage or them being together as live-INS. Is that not crazy making and an insult to my intelligence? One month into a cheap false relationship and he is sharing how he will take care of her and soaking up all her crap about what kind of wife she will be! She was also married and it never once gave him pause that they were telling each other what great spouses they would be while they were cheating on their current spouses!!! What makes them think that each other will be good and faithful to each other when the are doing the opposite? I never will understand that concept.

    On another note, I told my husband at our counseling session yesterday that I was at the end of my rope with the ongoing lies and that if he had anymore secrets he’d better cough them up this weekend or I was done. I have been lied to for a year and a half and won’t allow any more of his crap. He appeared quite shocked, hurt and embarrassed to be confronted in front of our Pastor. He has a tremendous need and arrogance to think everyone should still see him as this great guy despite his actions. He did not want it to come out that hen had talked about marriage and children with her as he adamantly denied that their relationship was serious, he seemed more embaressed to have the Pastor find out vs. Guilt and shame about how much that destroyed me.

    Ahhh…!!!! I think I must be crazy to even consider staying. Do any of you give yourself negative thoughts about what an idiot you are or a doormat for even considering staying married? I sure do and then my anger just consumes me. I know that’s not productive but very hard to stop at the same time. I don’t know how to stop the intrusive thoughts and overwhelming feelings of despair.
    I hope you all have a better day than yesterday. I look forward to hearing from you all.
    Susan

    • Jewels November 14, 2010, 10:03 PM

      Susan, you are not crazy for considering staying. I personally think that wives find out about their husband cheating all the time, and because it is such a secretive thing, no one really sees what other people are going through. I have not heard of 1 story of a wife finding out their husband cheating and the woman just walks out. They usually take a good amount of time to asses and make their decision, which is where you are at.

      Your comment about your husband being embarrassed more about the Pastor finding out hits home. Men are so quick to do this, but so ashamed and embarrassed about anyone finding out. And because we are also ashamed that we are married to someone that did this to us, it gets to the point where everyone is trying to protect their own embarrassment, it’s just an interesting situation. You are married and it takes a great deal of time and effort to leave.

      Thanks for the reference about emotional abuse, I never considered the stories and lies to be a form of abuse but I can totally see it now, those lies make you question everything!!

  • Judy November 13, 2010, 1:41 PM

    Susan: Thanks for the suggestion about the book, I will definitely get a copy as I try to read everything related to infidelity. I should have read & studied this much in school, I would have gotten much better grades, however, it is not a subject I ever have electively chosen.

    I too beat myself up often as to what an idiot and/or fool I am & have been. I am so tired of being taken for granted, even after my husband has admitted he took me for granted & would change,I have not seen evidence of this at all. His sailing trip which was supposed to have taken 2 to 3 weeks, is now going into its 4th week, with “hopes” of him arriving on the gulfcoast of Florida by the end of next week. I had it out with him this morning about how again he has taken me for granted, that not once during this trip has he said, I’m sorry it is taking so long, I appreciate you running the business, taking care of our personal obligations, nothing, just an expectation that I will do all of this. Who gets to take a month off, especially in this economy, to pursue something like this. I told him even under the best of circumstances, that without the issues of his affair, this would be alot to expect of someone, never mind that we are still dealing with all my issues related to the affair. And to top it all, my father suffered a massive stroke in February (as I previously mentioned,my husband’s first encounter was the night I was at the hospital), my Dad is paralyzed on his right side with no speech ability, my mother who is my father’s primary caretaker, was put into ICU for 3 weeks due to septic shock, she is recovering, however, I am running down to my parents a number of days a week to care for my Dad while my mom is recovering in the hospital, and I am visiting her, running our business, etc. and my husband is off on an adventure, the unbelievable part is the very day my mom was rushed to the hospital, my husband chose to leave on the sailing trip. I didn’t share how bad things were with my Mom because I didn’t want him to cancel his trip, but one of my daughter’s told him how bad things were and he still chose to leave to go sailing. This is so reminiscint of the night of my Dad’s stroke, when knowing I was at the hospital, he still chose to have the woman come to our home for dinner. I write these things and can’t believe I still think about what my decision should be, I am an idiot. Why can’t I just cut the ties and walk away, my husband had no problem walking away from our marriage for all those months, even if it was just temporary.

  • Susan November 14, 2010, 1:58 PM

    Hello Ladies,

    Judy, I am so sorry you are going through so many heart breaking trials at once. Having lost my Mom in January, I can relate. However, your pain is ongoing as you struggle with two very ill parents and ongoing care and concern about them. I can only imagine how difficult all this must be for you.

    I don’t think that your anger and disappointment about your husband’s selfishness both past and present is wrong in anyway. Even if the affair wasn’t in the picture his leaving to sail his boat around is incredibly selfish in and of itself during such a difficult time with your parents illnesses. Then when you add insult to injury about his continued flakiness it’s just plain cruel.

    I would be going out of my mind with anger and sadness. I commend you on your strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other each day. You are a very strong woman and don’t let him tell you that your feelings about all this are invalid.

    Please keep us in the loop and know I am thinking of you everyday.
    Susan

  • Judy November 14, 2010, 5:05 PM

    Susan:

    Thank you for your continued support & kind words. Some days it is very difficult to have the strength to keep going, I am so sad, and so tired of being sad. On the days that I feel more anger than sadness are days I consider “good” ones, because that seems more bearable, the sad days are the hardest. The disappointment I have in my husband after 32 years is that of a spouse as well as the disappointment in my best friend, of which he was. If I was dealing with anything difficult he was the one I always turned to, to vent or ask for suggestions and now I don’t even have my best friend to be able to talk to about this situation because he is the subject I need to talk about.

    But, like you and everyone else, we are at times given so much to deal with, but I am always told, God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, and I guess he is really trying to prove that with me.

    Thank you again and my thoughts are with you as you travel this journey and hope that you can find your answers.

  • raynejasper November 14, 2010, 10:09 PM

    Hello Ladies,

    I need your prayer. I’m planning to confront my husband’s girl tomorrow. I plan to stay in the house and hide and when my husband is asleep, I’ll get his cellphone and text his girl to meet me pretending that I am my husband. I hope this will work. I need to stop this thing already. It causes me stress to the point that I can’t eat. I try to force myself to eat but I can only manage one or two spoonfuls of food. I know I’ll be needing strength for tomorrow’s confrontation but I really can’t force myself to eat more. I’m feeling agitated and restless. I’m keeping my fingers cross. I hope I can meet the girl tomorrow. Please pray for me and pray that my husband would have a deep sleep. I know he’ll be home in the morning so he will sleep immediately. I want to take advantage when he sleeps. I want to end their affair once and for all if I can. Ladies, please, please include my success tomorrow. Just thinking of my plans make me feel weak physically. Gosh..

    • Jewels November 15, 2010, 9:56 PM

      Susan, you are such a caring person, what a thoughtful message to Raynejasper.

      Raynejasper, please let know you’re ok.

  • Susan November 15, 2010, 6:59 PM

    Hello ladies,
    Raynejasper, I am worried about you! I hope we hear from you today and you let us know if you confronted them. If it didn’t happen I encourage you to really think that through. I confronted the other woman and just ended up more hurt and humiliated. I know every situation is different but it seems it’s the norm that just because they are caught doesn’t mean they are done with her. Please keep posting here with us and I pray you hear things that will help you.

    Jewels,
    I did a lot of research and am in a group for domestic violence survivors and have been learning about the devastation of emotional abuse and it is enlightening to say the least. They have shown me that anytime someone attempts to lie, betray, create false realities they are abusing and oppressing you. Lying is the ultimate form of power and control. Wow do we all have a lot on our plates!
    Judy I am thinking of you and will pray for all of us to stay focused on our healing and continue to support each other. My prayers are with your parents as well.
    I am in Hawaii now with the husband and am a wreck. Tomorrow is our anniversary if you can even call it that. I want to use these two weeks to firmly plant my feet either all in or all out of the marriage. WOW I’m scared. He does know that I am unsure of which way I need to go for myself. He saysmhe is very scared, I am too yet I feel empowered that I know I can’t stay in limbo anymore.
    I will stay in touch and keep updates coming.
    Susan

  • Judy November 16, 2010, 7:53 AM

    Hello all:

    Raynejaser, how did things go, did you get what you were looking for, most of all did you find any peace, even briefly.

    Susan, how kind of you to think of all of us when you are in Hawaii trying to focus on your own situation. I am thinking about you and hoping that something, anything is helping you with your own nightmare.

    And last but certainly not least, Jewels, thank you for this site, I have found woman who know my pain and are more concerned about helping with it, than the person who brought it to me. You are truly an angel.

  • raynejasper November 16, 2010, 7:09 PM

    hello ladies..
    Thanks for all your concern.. I tried tricking my husband but it didn’t work. I succeeded in getting his phone while he is asleep but the number of his OT isn’t there. I wasn’t able to see his OT.. but then, I talked to him, I express the pain I’m going through. he just hugged me and didn’t say anything. I feel like he doesn’t want us to be separated but he can’t also leave his other woman. That’s why I’m confuse right now ladies. I don’t know where to focus my mind. I need more of your opinion.
    With regards to his OT, I think I don’t need to confront her anymore because this OT already know that my husband is married because we once talked in the cellphone and I told her about us. I think she’s a crap. She’s horrible. I don’t need to stoop down to her level.

    • Jewels November 18, 2010, 9:02 PM

      Hello Raynejasper,

      Glad to hear you didn’t have to deal with any drama. It seems like through the anticipation you realize that talking with her is not needed. I will be honest with you, I have never heard of a wife feeling great after she confronts the other woman, we always feel worse, so it’s good you decided for now not to force it.

      The husband always wants both, and men don’t know how crazy that makes us. I wish my husband would of said ‘Baby, I want a divorce, it’s just not working out’. But instead, he says he is sorry and wants to work things out, and little do I know he is still seeing her. That kind of stuff really hurts and leaves you so confused.

      My other woman claimed innocent as well, saying that my husband said he was separated, but then once I talked to her, she knew and continued, so her excuse is no longer valid.

      Is your husband still lying even after you found out? Is he still hiding stuff? Is he willing to share his phone when you are awake? These are some of the things you have to ask yourself when making the decision to stay or leave. Good Luck!!

  • Susan November 17, 2010, 3:22 AM

    Hi everyone,
    Well I’m in Hawaii sitting on a lounge chair at the beach and am angry and hurt just as much as I was at home. Today is our anniversary and it’s been tough. I went to the drug store Sunday night to by an anniversary card and about fell down with grief just reading them. They all say the things I used to feel and believe about my husband and best friend. I ended up buying a blank card with a sea otter on the front!! I wrote Happy Anniversary on it and signed it, that is all I could muster up and it kicked my butt.

    My husband gave me a card and I cried, he was supportive during the day today however he tried to initiate sex and I wasn’t able to even kiss him. This turned into an argument about the night after I caught him and he took her to his sisters house and they had sex. I am still so hurt that he didn’t even think about our marriage enough to give pause to that “relationship” or think of me and what I was going through home alone and devastated. I stormed out of the room and came out here with my Ipad to reach out to all of you.

    I am so grateful to you Jewels for havingnthe courage and compassion to start this website. All of you are my saving grace, I don’t know what I’d do without this refuge of support and understanding. I am at a crossroads and know I have to make a decision to either be in this marriage and put forth the effort to do my part in the rebuilding of it or part ways and heal on my own. I am so confused, how can I stay when I can’t stand him to touch me? All I see when he leans down to kiss me is him doing that to her. I find myself conjuring up thoughts of what he did with her as far as all his mannerisms and ways he touches etc. We all know our husband and remember what they were like when we were in the initial dating and falling in love phase and that’s all I can think of is that he was like that with her. Do you all think the same kinds of things? How in the hell do I put that aside?

    I feel like trauma will never subside. Here I am on Kauai, one of the most beautiful places on Earth and I can’t let it go for more than ten minutes at most. At times I feel this is the unraveling of Susan. I used to be so strong and confident and now I feel like a shell of my former self. I live in fear,,sorrow and anger. Judy I’m with you in that I prefer anger to sadness. At least the anger gives a sense of standing up for myself.

    Jewels you were spot on in saying this is the most difficult thing we will ever face. How did you move yourself into the next stage of acceptance. Acceptance is a powerful word as it doesn’t mean we have to like it however it is a place that gives us choice, I just can’t seem to find my way there.

    I am a recovering alcohol with over 20 years sober and my first thought getting into the elevator was to go drink. I’m not going to but it is a clear indication of how upset I am. My husband said I was being irrational in bringing up the affair on our anniversary!! How is it that they can do all this and expect us to go on as if nothings changed when everything has changed. I don’t feel as if we are celebrating another year of marriage. I feel as if we are walking through a war zone of complete and utter devastation. Will these feelings ever go away? One website I found prior to our lovely Jjewels was a woman saying “My husbands affair was the best thing that ever happened to her”. What planet does she live on? I’m a college graduate licensed chemical dependancy counselor and I can’t apply any of those skills in this situation. I want redemption and I’m not sure I will ever get “over” this.

    Helping someone deal with their pain is so much easier than dealing with this. I have begun to doubt my ability to deal with lifes most basic tasks let alone gain any peace or acceptance with this issue. The idea that he called her and convinced her come to his sisters by telling her that he only called her in front of me saying it was over to get me calmed down is beyond devastation. She got love and affection and I got nothing. He had left our house that day supposedly to give us some cooling off time and instead used it to further betray me. It drives me insane to know that she got such a kick out of him showing loyalty to her and not me at that time. I know he chose me a month later but i didn’t know at the time that they were seeing each other but that doesn’t seem to matter to me, I see it as he continued to lie while he was claiming to me that it was over and wanted to work on our marriage.

    I was having sex with him then even though it killed me inside. I did it fearing that if I didn’t he would go back to her. I believed him when he said it was over and was willing to do anything to keep him. He took advantage of my desire to stay married and kept seeing her until she started demanding more of his time and for him to move out. She had told her husband that their marriage was over and she was going to be with my husband. When Klark didn’t move into her house she started nagging him to tell me it was over. It appears that was the catalyst for him to want to stay with me. Did he do that because I am who he wants or will he just find a new one that won’t expect those things from him? I doubt his motives about everything now.

    I hope all of you are finding some peace. Judy how are your parents? Jewels how is your new life? Raynejasper how are you doing? Has your husband finally come clean about what he’s doing?

    I will check for more postings from all of you and keep you updated on my vacation from hell!!
    Take care ladies!
    Susan

    • Jewels November 18, 2010, 9:50 PM

      Susan and Judy,

      Susan, that sucks that you’re in Hawaii feeling so blue. I can relate to so many feelings. There is nothing wrong with you bringing this up during your anniversary. Anniversaries are times where you look back on memories (triggers!). That can be painful at a time like this, so you bringing it up is totally understandable. Sex is the worst after you find out he cheated – the worst. You feel too many negative emotions, just like you said, on one hand, you want to do it so you won’t ‘lose him’ at the same time, you hate that you feel obligated by someone who did something so hurtful. I use to cry after sex and my husband just didn’t get it. I felt horrible, like he won or something. One time he tried to give me a suggestion during sex and I lost it, was so humiliating cause all I could think about was him learning that from her. My confidence as a woman took a serious hit during that time. I am telling you, our husbands have no clue how painful this is, they just don’t.

      I am at a much better place now, I am at peace and the pure constant anger and sadness is gone, I actually enjoy being alone. How did I get there?? 1st – I made a decision to leave – 10 tons lifted off my shoulder. Judy, you mentioned how horrible the limbo stage is, and your correct. Once you make a decision to stay or leave, a little bit of the stress leaves. Things that use to get on your last nerve (lying, not understanding) don’t hurt as much, because I would always say to myself ‘I am not going to let this upset me, because I decided to leave, so his actions count less’. Say that enough times (to yourself) and he will start to see a change in you, a confidence in you that is going to scare him because he will get the hint your dead serious about leaving. Stay in limbo too long and you can go crazy!!

      I think I did a lot of little things to help me recover, the most important thing for me was that the recovery was about me, my feelings and thoughts and how I can come out of this situation a better person. It wasn’t about us. And regardless if you stay or leave, you have to go through your own personal journey of recovery, every women needs that after the affair. I have spent the past 6-7 months trying to write out the things that helped me personally recover so that one day it can help others. I hope to be done soon with the book, and I really hope it helps.

      Judy, you are spot on in your statement about ‘chasing normal’. I talk about that in the book. I write about how you have to get out of your head the notion that things can go back to normal, it will never be the same, because the trust will never be the same. That changes the relationship forever. You have to face that hard reality because many women struggle to get their marriage back to a certain point but never get there. You can restore your marriage, but it will never be the same as in the past, the trust will never be the same and trust is at the foundation of marriage. So the affair literally shakes up the foundation of the marriage, you can rebuild it, but it will never be the same foundation that was laid out initially. I was crying when I wrote that part of the book because I knew for most women reading it, it’s like reading their dreams of restoration are shattering, but I would rather be blunt than to have women out there stressing chasing a ‘previous marriage’ that I know they will not get.

      On a more positive note, I believe that all women can personally recover, I believe that everything happens for a reason and there are many women that start out devastated but come out stronger and learn so much more about themselves over time. Take your husband out of it for a moment, and you will realize this is really a journey of self discovery and personal reflection.

      LADIES, HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND – GO READ A FAVORITE BOOK OR WATCH YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE, EAT YOUR FAVORITE FOOD, DO SOMETHING FOR YOU. Wishing you the best!

  • Judy November 17, 2010, 9:08 PM

    Susan:
    My heart broke as I read your comments, it broke for you and it broke for me, as so much of what you wrote was as if I was reading my own journal.

    I tried to go away for a weekend on our sailboat this summer, thinking it would be neutral territory, but there is no neutral territory when the enemy goes with you. I think part of the problem is we have such high expectations that things will be normal between us and our spouses, but what was previously normal, no longer is. My new normal with my husband is the ever present sadness & hurt. You mention being a shell of your former self, I totally understan, I don’t even recognize myself anymore, I told my husband the other day, I have become this pathetic creature.

    You asked if we all feel the kinds of things you are feeling about the “intial dating”, I absolutely feel the same way, in fact I often tell my husband that he was “dating” the other woman, that the relationship was almost identical to when he and I were first dating , on my first date with my husband, he invited me to his apartment and cooked dinner for me, on the first “date” with Rhonda (I’m going to use her name, in fact I might decide to use her last name at some point), he invited her to our condo and cooked dinner for her, when we were first dating he would call me at random times of the day just to chat, he called Rhonda at random times of the day to chat ( I wasn’t getting these same phone calls any longer), the first sexual encounter between my husband & I was very hot & exciting, to quote my husband from the marriage counseling session when asked what first occurred between him & Rhonda ” we kissed, and then things got hot & heavy very fast…”. So, yes I do think about these things all the time.

    You are my doppelganger in this situation, and I am so sorry, because I know the pain you are experiencing and it is devastating. The other night my husband again was inconsiderate of me, and I was so upset when I hung the phone up the phone, a few minutes later my daughter happened to call, and she could immediately tell I was crying, I told her it was just about her dad & I again, and I didn’t want to burden her with it, she wanted to know what was going on, as she was concerned about me being by myself & crying, well, I then started to tell her in my new way of communicating which is words in between hysterical crying and it took her over an hour to calm me down. So I totally get how this is destroying you.

    I would have never imagined I would behave this way. When I first had my suspicions, I thought that I would get through this and be able to just stay in my marriage if it turned out to be true, what a fool I was to think it would be that easy. It is actually getting worse, some days I just start crying, all someone has to ask is how are things going and that can be enough to set me off into a crying syndrome. I want so badly to be able to decide what to do one way or the other. My sisters, my daughters and even my husband keep saying why do I feel I have to decide right now what I want to do, that there is time. If I want to divorce him, I can do it next week, or next month or next year, there is no timeline, but they are so wrong — the timeline is being set by me, because I want a life back, even if it is not the life I had before, I just want to move on one way or the other, the limbo is what is destroying me and yet I can’t make up my mind. I told my husband a few months ago, that he took my life from me and I want it back, that he had no right to take it away without my permission — but I realize I can never have that life back, the man I used to know and trust doesn’t exist anymore, and maybe never did, because I certainly wouldn’t have chosen to be with this person, who is so selfish and can be so hurtful.

    I also experience the anger that you did from your husband, my husband treats me as if I am the “bad guy” when I bring up the affair at what he considers inappropriate times. I tried to explain to him, mostly in an arguement, that I don’t choose the time or place when the thoughts of the affair enter my head, they just do, like a freight train, and once one thought comes in, it is followed by a flood of thoughts. I don’t have the same luxury he seemed to have in putting me out of his thoughts when he was partaking in the affair.

    And you talked about the thoughts that are in your head when you and your husband are having sex, I all too well know that pain, I have yet to be able to have sex with my husband without me going through the motions, but seeing the two of them together and then I always end up crying. After 32 years, I know the way my husband makes love, and as I told him, I am sure that the way he kisses me, or fondles me is exactly the same way he did with her.

    Susan, I could go on and on about all the pain, but what I want you to know, is I get it, I know how hurt you are, and although I can’t help you rid yourself of it, I can be here, like everyone else to read your comments, pass along thoughts and know that I am thinking of you and so appreciate you asking about my parents, (my mom is improving, but my dad’s stroke has left him paralyzed & with the ability to express only a few words, and yet his mind is totally fine, this is heartbreaking for me to watch him imprisoned in his own body). I know for myself, believing that at least one person understands my pain is helpful, because most people I know who are aware of what my husband has done, are basically acting as if, okay, he did what he did, it is time to move on…oh, if it was only that easy. Take care & keep writing, I feel such a kinship with you.

  • raynejasper November 19, 2010, 1:46 AM

    hello ladies,
    Susan and Judy, I can’t seem to stand with your situation. As much as I want to take vacation too because I feel like I want to have a space but I can’t because I’m not able financially.
    To everyone, thank you. I feel like crying every time I check this site but it is also where I get encouragement and motivation to move on knowing that I have some friends whom I can share what I’m going through right now. Indeed, it is better to share our problem to someone rather than taking it all alone. I’m trying my best to focus with my life and my daughter because until now, I know that my husband is still seeing her. I might as well start organizing my thoughts and plans because I don’t have any intention of prolonging my agony. I know that through God’s grace, I can be able to have a safe exit from this relationship and start a new life full of hope that everything will be alright.
    For Judy and Susan, its always okay to cry because we need that. We just have to try focusing to other sides or parts of our life until we find the brighter side of it then we continue our journey having learned from everything we have had. It will take time of course, but I know and I believe, things will be better soon. Let’s try to enjoy the simple things that we can do everyday and feel happy with our small achievements and success. After all, it is only us who can care for our self, not our husbands anymore.
    take care always ladies and we are one in this struggle.
    best wishes,
    rayne

  • Susan November 19, 2010, 3:18 AM

    Hello ladies,
    Judy,Jewels and Rayne Thank you so much for your kind words, support, understanding and wisdom. I have been up and down the last two days but the downs haven’t lasted as long. I told myself I wasn’t going to let her ruin my trip. I am looking at all the energy and time and yes obsessive thoughts I have had over her and don’t want to give her thatmkind of power. She is the nastiest human being I have ever met and I know she would love it if she knew that she was still making my life miserable.

    I am still in limbo also Judy, we are making such a huge life transforming decision that we didn’t see coming. I sometimes think I should walk out the door and never come back and then I look to the future and can’t imagine life without Klark. AHHHH!!!

    Jewels I appreciate your candor in discussing the altered landscape of marriages after an affair. I believe that is my biggest heartache, the anguish of coming to terms that nothing will ever be the same again. It truly is a shocking realization to know on such a deep level that whether I stay or go it will be a new life with a different perspective on everything. If the pain of the triggers continues I really can’t see myself staying even if I wanted to do the work of rebuilding our marriage. Will I ever be able to be kissed or touched by him and not see him doing it to her? If I can’t I don’t want to live that way. That feels like a bandaid being slowly ripped off day after day.

    I agree that we will all come through this stronger and wiser whether we remain in the marriage or not, however I am still so mad and hurt that we all have to rebuild our lives due to someone elses dishonesty and selfishness.

    Judy I am glad to hear that your Mother is improving and very sorry about your Dad. My Mom was in a coma after her fall and she could hear us and would squeeze our hand but couldn’t talk. Her coma was different in that it was from a brain bleed due to her being on coumiden and falling and hitting her head. The Doctors said that even if she survived it she would be paralyzed and have no memory and very little motor skills. It was a blessing that she passed a week after the fall despite the shock and despair that she was fine one day and at deaths door the next. I had just spent the weekend with her in Portland three days before she fell so that made it more surreal as she lived in Southern California and I live in Washington. I will always remember seeing her wave goodbye and walk into the airport and I had no idea that would be the last time.

    I think of all the days and nights my husband came home walking in the door as if everything was normal. I wonder when was the day he did that and everything had changed and I just didn’t know it. I don’t know how you all deal with knowing the other woman was in your homes. I struggle just knowing she was in my driveway trying to get into my house when I wasn’t there and then knocking on my door once they had been found out. She was willing to do anything to destroy our marriage in the hopes of winning my husband. How do they find these horrible women?

    I know I’m rambling but my thoughts are so all over the place. I am trying really hard to be emotionally present with my husband while we are here but it takes work. We will be laughing walking on the beach and wham I see them together and I’m deflated and crying. Jewels you are living proof that this subsides yet for Judy and I it seems to be getting worse. Is this the storm before the calm? I know for myself I was in such a bad place already due to my physical injuries and the resulting depression from that, that it took a long time for the shock to wear off and during that time my Mom died so their was so much more to deal with. It didn’t seem to really hit home until I came back home to Washington that it really sunk in and became more traumatizing for me. It was a year after discovery that I returned home after being gone eight months and the reality of having to live a quarter mile from her store really hit. I have seen her many times and it’s a kick in the teeth each time. I feel like if we are going to have a chance of making it we will have to sell our house and move. That in turn feels like one more loss. I love my home and don’t want to sell it. I am so confused.

    I will say goodnight and thanks again for all your support. You all are in my thoughts.
    Susan

  • Chris November 19, 2010, 10:06 AM

    Ladies, I feel for all of us and am so glad I found this site. I am stuck. My situation may not be as bad as some of the others I have read on this site, but it is just as difficult. My husband of 15 years has been cheating on me for the past 10 months. She is an ex and lives in another state so he created business trips to go see her. It was her who told me, he didn’t and I don’t think he would ever have. He stopped the affair with her because she is totally mentally sick. She cuts and has cut his initials into her leg (had to get 14 stitches). She lies and has been suicidal. It has been 3 weeks since I found out and he says he is sorry, what he did was selfish. He says he wants to work on our relationship. He has stopped seeing her, but I can’t help but think he stopped because she was looney, and he chose the wrong girl, not because he wanted me back. Now, he seems to be doing everything right, really trying. He has agreed to not travel for work (I don’t think this will last), he has allowed me access to his email, facebook and phone. He has not gone out with his friends and instead is spending every evening with me and the kids. Even though he is trying, I can’t help thinking he is doing this to save face. No one in our state knows he did this to me. I am afraid to go out with my girlfriends, afraid there will be a trigger and I will start crying and I don’t want to have that conversation yet. He took me out for a drink last week and a song triggered it for me. I just started crying and we had to leave.
    I don’t understand how he can say he is sorry when he had to try so hard to see her again and again. He says it was a mistake and I tell him, it was not a mistake, he knew what he was doing and made that choice. I don’t see how he can say he loves me and wants this family to stay together when, in my mind, he walked out on us 10 months ago. I would like to work it out, but can’t get over the fact that I am hurting and don’t see how he can be hurting. I want him to hurt. My morals tell me he doesn’t deserve to be able to cheat and get the family back. Why should he end up with all he wants? And I will always have this memory, this hurt and this mistrust. I told him I think we should split and all he can say is “if that is what you want”. If he really wants this, I don’t understand why he wouldn’t fight a little harder to make it work. Why would he just give up when I say so (which is why I think he is only doing this to save face). He puts it all on me saying he has no say in what happens, it is all up to me. I have told him it is not all up to me. I don’t get why he is not making an argument about forgiveness and the future. He just wants to move on and forget about it. I don’t want to move on until he hurts somehow. The only way I will see him hurt is by taking the kids away and having him lose his family or have his friends find out (everyone thinks he is so great). But I too am embarrassed. If someone finds out, what are they going to think of me for staying with a cheating husband. I think, would I want this for my kids? Am I setting the wrong example for my kids if I decide to stay and work on this?

    • Jewels November 20, 2010, 9:33 AM

      Good morning Chris,

      Since it’s only been 3 weeks, you’re still in what I call the devastation period. You don’t know whether to scream or cry, and it can change at a moment’s notice. I want to share something that I learned through that period of my life. The more you want him to get hurt, the more disappointed you will be, and let me tell you why. The day after I found out about the affair, I was a wreck. My eyes were red shot, I was weak, I called off work, I was literally in shock. Do you know that he woke up like nothing happened, called his friend, and they went biking riding at around 10am. I was beyond hurt, how could he just go out with friends like nothing happened? How could he not be hurt that I was hurt? Then it turned to anger and the ‘I want him to get hurt’. At one point, I didn’t want to talk to him, because I wanted him to hurt. I went out with a girlfriend, and stayed the night at her house, I wanted him to get hurt as much as I was hurting. Finally, after I found out he was still cheating, in a big of rage, I called his mom and told his family. I knew he wanted me to protect him by not telling anyone, so to hurt him, I told all of his family. And you know what Chris, all of those attempts to hurt him didn’t even scratch the surface of working (I wanted him to hurt as much as I was hurting). He told his family this is between me and him, and didn’t entertain comments. After a week, his family was acting normal again, like nothing happened (everyone thinks my husband is great as well, and I feel like from a family perspective, they still do). He was upset for about 3 hours that I spent the night with a girlfriend. A few times when we talked about the whole infidelity , and he started crying and said he was sorry, but the intention of the conversation was not to make him hurt. What I personally learned that if your goal is to try to make him hurt as much as you, it typically backfires. You think that making him hurt is going to make you feel better, but it just doesn’t do it. The reason why is because you have to heal from all of the emotions yourself, working on his emotions might not work as you had intended.

      Your feelings are valid and very normal, and since you just found out, I would talk to your husband about giving you some time alone. Tell him to watch the kids, and get out of that house. You can go to a coffee shop, bookstore, mall, walk, whatever makes you feel good. During this time, you need to have time to yourself to just breathe, and it’s hard when you have ‘life’ (kids, husband, money) to think about. He might get a little nervous that you’re going out alone (he might think you’re going to cheat or something), but that is something he has to deal with. Especially while is is not traveling, take advantage.

      Your husband took a good first step of opening up his facebook, email, phone with you, many men don’t, even after the affair. In some sort of weird way, he might be really embarrassed that he got with such an emotionally unstable woman. It’s really hard to tell why your husband is reacting the way he is. I will just tell you with me, I felt my husband was trying to save face because he said he wanted to work things out, but didn’t want to put any action behind it. Tell your husband you feel now that he cheated you need him to work (work is the key word) on helping to recovery the marriage. It is hard work, but your marriage can survive. A couple of things your husband can do it set up therapy, do some research on what it takes to recovery marriages with infidelity, and anything else that you think would make you feel comfortable. The couples that make this work work on rebuilding trust everyday. Talk to him about getting out of that mentally that is it all on you, as you already have enough to think about, if this is going to work, tell him that he gave her 10 months of ‘action’, that he needs to put the same amount of ‘action’ into saving the marriage.

      Chris, how old are your kids? You can set a good example by staying or leaving, it all depends on how you and your husband are dealing with the situation, but again, no need to decide all of that, you need some time to sift through the array of emotions you have now before thinking about leaving, kids, etc…

      Lastly, this cheating thing is so taboo, society paints this picture that if your husband cheats, you leave – I have never heard of a case for far where that is true unless your a multi-millionaire. It’s just not true, most women stay because they need to sift through their emotions and can’t leave right away because of financial reasons. Most of us stay. Way too early for you to make a decision on your marriage, you have time. If anyone finds out, unless their husband has cheated, take their advice with a grain of salt, most people really don’t understand the situation, but we do, we are all here to support you. Since no one really knows at this time, please don’t hold it in (that is so stressful), feel free to use this site to write and release some of those emotions and know that you will be supported in your journey by loving people like Susan and Judy. I wish you the best!!

  • Susan November 20, 2010, 6:36 AM

    Hello Ladies,

    Chris I am glad you wrote to all of us again. I know Jewels will be responding to you soon. In the meantime, I will share with you my responses to your last post (a lot of it I have learned from Jewels!). The way you are felling right now is perfectly natural and normal and healthy. you are in the “shock” state of being. Your world has been turned upside down and you are questioning who you are married to and what lies ahead. That is where you are and it hurts beyond belief and I’m sorry you are going through this. As you have read we all have a common theme, some details may be different yet the core is the same. We have been betrayed on the deepest level possible. Jewels has said that we want a reaction from our husbands that we probably will never get. It doesn’t appear that men are wired to respond as we women would. You are very early on in this arduous ordeal and it is an awful place to be and my heart breaks for you.

    As far as wanting him to hurt, of course you do he has hurt you and threatened your family. I have had the same doubts in regard to the why’s about my husbands motive to want to stay and work on our marriage. I have wondered if she just didn’t turn about to be the right one and will he keep searching until he finds that person. My husband says over and over that he will never do it again and I think to myself that he had made a commitment to me and did it already so what’s to stop him from continuing that behavior. He is showing a willingness by allowing you access to his phone, facebook and email and that is a positive. However that doesn’t mean you are supposed to just instantly trust him. He has earned your mistrust and only time and consistency will tell you whether or not it’s truly sincere. I would encourage you to seek counseling and it seems that we all have had to be the ones to initiate that. It seems they are embarrassed and ashamed so they deal with it by not dealing with it. That makes it worse for me when my husband does that and I let him know-how I feel. My husband has used the verbiage of calling it a mistake. It’s not a mistake in my eyes, a mistake is balancing your checkbook wrong. An affair is an active choice and involves a lot of lies and deceit to cover their tracks..I look at it as a minute by minute day by day of acts of betrayal and deceit.

    I can relate as Judy as has also that it’s not fair for them to to have torn our families apart and expect us to stay. My husband has said many times that the choice is up to me as to whether or not I stay. I have also wanted to see him fight and yes beg for me to stay. My husbandnhas shared that he feels he doesn’t deserve it so he is passive about it when I tell him a big part of me says I’m going to leave. Have you expressed to him how you feel and what youdmlike to see him do? I’m not shy about speaking my opinion to him. At times it seems that is a positive and at others it seems to blow up in my face.

    My husband continued to lie to me for a year after it ended and that caused more harm than then actual affair in a lot of ways. It displayed dishonesty and more selfish behavior. It was crazy making and felt like he was still trying to control my reality and get the outcome he wanted. I kept at him about my doubts about his honesty and really pushed for him to tell themwhole story. I received an email from the other woman a year ago today that provided so many horrible details that I felt were true and needed the truth no matter how painful it was. I felt that I didn’t want them to still have secrets together because I see that as a bond between them even though they aren’t seeing each other. I didn’t want her to know more about me and my life than I did about hers and their time together. He took this entire year to tell me then truth about what she had written to me. It was literally line by line that he would finally admit too. I wish he would have told me all at once rather than slowly ripping me apart. It is verynhard to trust him since he continued to lie for so long. I feel that as long as he is justifying lying to me that no progress or goodwill can be established. Our counselor has been very helpful in agreeing with me and telling him the continued lies have caused more harm and delayed any healing.

    In regards to tellingmhis friends and family I will defer to Jewels, I told my friends and received some support and a lot of advice. It is yours and yours alone to make a decision about what you are going to do. I found myself wanting redemption and to dispel the myth about what a great guy he is. My husbands family has told him that I need to forgive him and move on as if it is water under the bridge..I don’t even talk to any of them anymore at all. It’s my husbands and my business and not there’s. I found itnhelpful to have them support of my family. Sadly I lost my mother during all this, however she was a tremendous amount of support before her death. I hope you will continue to post your feelings with us. It is my saving grace and I have learned so much through all the women on this site.

    As far as you being concerned about what your children will say or think of you all I can say that your children love you and nothing or no one can take that away. My kids are28 and 26 and have voiced there opinions they are from my first marriage so their perspective is very different. They both believe I should divorce him but have said that will respect my decision. They don’t want to see him so they don’t come over anymore which is another loss for me. I still see them but I miss our family time tremendously . I think to myself sometimes that leavingmwould be the healthiest option due to him fracturing all of our family connectiions. Oddly enough my family has treated Klark very well and his family has been very unsupportive of me.
    I don’t know if any of this has been helpful to you. I hope that you will stop beating yourself up about your emotions and questions.. Everything you are going through is natural and normal, hence the name of this blog..this ismthemmost difficult time of your life. It’s natural to be confused and unsure of what is the right direction for you to go in. I am still confused but I am learning from Jewels that it is time for me to focus on myself and my healing.

    I am still in the marriage but still in limbo about what I’m going to do. I had told myself that I wasn’t going to make a decision right away and then my Mom died and I again told myself to wait on making up my mind. It is my time to make the decision as to stay or go. You don’t have to make that choice yet. No one can tell you what your decision will be.and when you will make that decision. I am getting feedback that I can’t continue staying in limbo because it is hampering my healing and growth. Keep in mind that I am fifteen months into finding out about it. And it’s time to cove forawrd whether I stay or go.

    You having triggers is also normal and yournhuband needs to understand that and be supportive. I have triggers and flashbacks every single day. I’m still devastated and the pain is still very raw. Give yourself all the time you need.

    Well ladies I am still in Hawaii and things are up and down. My husband has been nicer the last two days and that has been helpful. My greatest fear is that he will revert back to his old behavior. It is very hard to take anything he says atmface value. He has shown me a side ofnhimself that I never knew existed.

    Good night all and I look forward to hearing from all of you.
    Susan

  • Judy November 20, 2010, 8:07 AM

    Hello all:

    As we read each other’s comments, the common theme is so pervasive, that we are all in such a state of turmoil. Not one of us has said definitively whether we want to stay or go, and I think for some of us, I think we would like our husbands to beg us to stay and it isn’t happening.

    Susan: I so related to so many things you talked about with Chris. I too keep hoping, even after his sailing trip (which he just arrived in Florida last night), that he will beg me to stay, it doesn’t mean I will, I just want him to “fight” for our marriage. I feel like I have done all the work through this, I am spending my time reading books, participating in this site (Thank God!), looking for help, my husband on the other hand has really done nothing, yes he attended counselling with me, and in the beginning it was good to hear him open up, but then it got to be so expensive and since I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay in the marriage, I thought a waste of money at the time. I do think if I lean toward staying, I will want to start up the sessions again, it is the only time by husband truly let his feelings out about the so many things, not just the affair.

    I remember when I confronted my husband, he just admitted it and then proceeded to take the key to our condo off his key ring and hand it to me, and walk away — I was the one who continued to try and have a conversation/arguement with him about it, I have always been so hurt that he just sort of accepted what I knew and didn’t beg me for forgiveness. My husband also refers to it as a “terrible mistake”, that rips me apart, as if he had forgotten my birthday or something, that is a mistake — THIS WAS A CONSCIOUS, DELIBERATE ACT, it took planning, it was not even a sudden one-night stand, I always think that I might, and I say might because I don’t know, but I might have an easier time moving on from that –that would not have been a relationship. For me it was not just the sex, it was the relationship that is also so hurtful. I have always wondered that if it hadn’t been over by the time I found out, would he still have “chosen” me. And the fact that he doesn’t remember why things ended, including why all the phone/text communication stopped shortly before I found out, is so difficult, the analogy I used with my husband was I was the “old reliable station wagon” and she was the “hot, red sports car” and once he couldn’t “afford” that any longer he went back to the “station wagon”.

    In addition to the use of the word “mistake” the other thing that just rips me apart is when my husband says “…it wasn’t worth it”, I can’t explain why that phrase bothers me, but it has from the beginning and still does. I wonder what would have made it “worth it”.

    Susan, you talk about the e-mail you got from the other woman, I have tried to contact the other woman to get some answers, because my husband keeps saying, “…I don’t know.”,these are the new 3 words I now get as opposed to the 3 words most spouses get used to hearing “…I love you”. I just need to know who ended the relationship, I am so bothered by the fact that on the phone bill I could see the history of the communication, and in the beginning the first two months, they were constantly texting and/or phoning, then it started to slow down to a message or two a week, to the last communication was a text from my husband to her after about a week of no communication. She never responded, perhaps his text didn’t require a response, but that really upsets me that he sent the last text. I know that he saw her after that at work, she was a bartender on weekends at a bar he & his friends would go to, that is where he met her. Anyway through all this rambling, Susan, my question is do you think it is a mistake to try and find out the details from her point of view, based on your experience.

    Well, as I stated my husband is now in Florida, and I had originally told him at the start of his trip (when it was supposed to be 2 weeks, not one month and 4 days) that I would give us another try before filing for divorce, by going to be with him in Florida and I am so torn. There are days when I don’t see myself not doing this and going forward with our relationship, but then there are so many days that the thought of being in his company just angers,hurts, devastates, you name the adverb. Any thoughts, words of wisdom that anyone can offer, I am listening.

    I hope all of you have a better day than whatever yesterday was.

  • Judy November 20, 2010, 9:49 AM

    Jewels,

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. You finally explained about the wanting to hurt him and it not working. I too, could not and do not understand how my husband has gone about his days, seemingly as if nothing has happened. How his life still seems to be “normal”. I have tried so many ways to say something or do something to hurt him and it never seems to do that, and when I didn’t get the reactions I was hoping for, I just became that much more hurt and/or angry. I really thought that was such proof of him not caring, but after reading your comments, I don’t think I can just assume that.

    Recently, I asked my husband why he has not shared what is going on between us with even his closest friends, I felt by not doing so, he didn’t think it was a big deal, however, he said, he doesn’t say anything because he is actually so ashamed of what he did, do you think this could be true, and not just rhetoric.

    I am so desperate to believe that my husband is truly sorry, and I just haven’t felt that yet, even though he has said it a number of times (not as much as I think he should, I think he should start each day by telling me he is so sorry for what he did to us and to me –but that I know is just a fantasy). Regardless of what my decision is, I just want to know he really regrets what happened.

  • Susan November 21, 2010, 9:15 PM

    Hello everyone,

    Jewels, thank you again for all your pearls of wisdom!! It helps to hear that we all wanted our husband to react differently. I am still so devastated that my husband spent the night with her the day after I found out my suspicions were accurate. He was still denying they were having a relationship sexual or otherwise but I knew that wasn’t true and she really confirmed it by her attitude that day when I went to her store to ask her to leave my husband alone.

    Judy, that was the most. Humiliating experience as she was awful to me, she literally laughed at me and said”your husband doesn’t feel that way”. She is the one a week later that told me about her going to his sisters the night after I found out and told me they were planning on marriage etc..

    She sent me that email a year ago yesterday, three months after my husband had ended it. She texted me asking if she could email me an amends and I said yes. Well it was far from an amends it was purging with horrible details and hurt me so much more than I thought possible. Apparently she was still hoping that Klark would come back to her and wanted that email to be the final straw for me. Trust me hearing her detail out sexual acts and how much she loved kissing my husband and she thought of him as the love ofmher life was excruciating. I believe I truly met an evil person with her. It is such a common. Term to use about someone that isn’t very nice,however; she is truly an evil miserable human being. I can’t help but say I don’t want you to contact Rhonda based on my experience with Lisa. Those details haunt me everyday. It took my husband 10months to slowly admit the truth line by horrible line.

    Have you gone down to Floridia? How are your parents?
    Jewels it is really helpful to me when I read all your comments to everyone, I have learned a lot from you as well as feeling so supported by you Judy.

    I have told my husband when he says he is sorry to just keep saying it and keep saying it until I ask him not to. The last few days have had some happy moments but the intrusive thoughts still come in. I keep telling myself the positive affirmations that this will not break my spirit and I’m not going to let near take anymore from me. I am still very conflicted about whether or not I’m willing to stay in the marriage. My husband can be such a trigger that some days it seems as if leaving him is the only way I will heal. I know I have to heal for myself regardless of whether or not we remain married but it a seems so murky still.

    My thoughts are with you all and I look forward to hearing from everyone.

    Aloha Susan

  • Judy November 22, 2010, 6:49 PM

    Hello all:

    I am getting ready to go to Florida at the end of the week, to give this “farce” another try. My husband & I talked last night, well, he talked & I cried, and I told him per my agreement that when he arrived in Florida I would come down and see if we can start to work things out. I really think it is going to be very hard, as our condo in Florida is where he & Rhonda spent their time together. I am lucky enough to know that all sexual activity ended up occurring on the floor our living room —

    I just read Jewels’ e-book and found it very enlightening, especially the part about the other woman having an advantage of knowing Jewels existed, but Jewels not knowing about her during that time. This really put into perspective the way I have been feeling that Rhonda had “one-upmanship” on me, and I couldn’t exactly explain to my husband why I felt that way, but thank you Jewels for describing it so well in your book and validating what I am feeling. So often, as I am sure for many of you, you feel like you are going crazy with all the different thoughts that run through your head. And I think our husbands especially can make us feel like we are the crazy ones.

    Susan: I am going to hold off on contacting Rhonda after reading your comments, although I feel she might hold many of the answers I am looking for, I am a firm believer in not asking the questions if you don’t want the answers — and I don’t know if I really do. As I thought I couldn’t be hurt by any additional information about the affair, I was wrong. Yesterday, I figured out that 25% of the phone calls my husband placed to Rhonda were immediately after he hung up the phone with me, for example, I called him @ 11:43 am, we talked for 4 minutes and then @ 11:47 he called Rhonda. When I asked him about this he first said it was coincidence, I told him don’t treat me like an idiot, you called her after talking to me because you wanted to talk to someone who wasn’t going to nag you about the business, or bills or something unpleasant, that I had to deal with and he said you are probably right.

    I wasn’t looking for this information originally, I was only looking at the recent cell phone calls my husband made and/or received while on the sailing trip(he knows I am doing this and says he has no problem with me doing this), but something told me to look back at the old bills, and suddently this new information jumped out at me, and I have studied the cell phone bill pages for months, and never noticed this before. Also in Jewels’ book, she talks about God letting you know when you need to get information ( I am paraphrasing). This sudden revelation just caused more hurt, and I didn’t think it was possible. So, maybe getting add’l info from Rhonda will cause hurt that I am not ready for. As I have told my husband over and over, the “devil is in the details”, so it is little details like the timing of the phone calls that is very hurtful.

    Just now I was on the phone with my husband and he & I were talking about his back hurting, and that he slept better on the boat, I told him to go to one of the other bedrooms, he said that the bed on the boat was about 4″ of foam and then hardwood underneath. I told him to sleep on the floor of the condo for his back, and then without even thinking, found myself saying to him, you didn’t have a problem months ago being on the floor, and then I started to cry and told him these are the triggers that just occur, I wasn’t even trying to think about him & Rhonda, it just was a involuntary comment that entered my thoughts and came out of my month without even a millisecond of time between the two.

    So, I am going forward with the plans to Florida, anxious and hesitant at the same time. Such a big part of me just wants to leave my husband, but there is the other part that just can’t let go, not yet anyway.

    So, Susan thank you for your concern, and my Mom is now in rehab, having made what the doctors consider quite a miraculous recovery from septic shock, as it doesn’t happen very often espcecially at 82 years old. My Dad is and will probably remain the same, and I can only hope that God listens to my prayers to take my Dad out of this horrible existence, because he really isn’t living, just existing.

    Well, thanks for listening (reading), this is so helpful to get all this out to people who understand and care.

    Most times, I feel much more than my own husband. Will keep writing and look forward to responses.

    • Jewels November 22, 2010, 9:56 PM

      Hello Judy and Susan!!

      Judy – Thanks for reading the ebook, I am glad you found some of the same feelings I went through. I was holding onto a great deal of anger at the fact that she knew more about me, and that my husband allowed this (by not telling me anything about her). I was the one that was there for you through everything, and you protect her?? You’re right in talking with Rhonda, never heard a story of a wife calling the other woman and the wife feeling good afterward. I thought that same feeling ‘There is nothing she can do to hurt me, I am already hurt to my core.’. Then I talked to her on my cell phone at work (not a good idea), and was so distraught I had to go home. I am sorry to hear you had a trigger experience, our husbands really have a hard time understanding why those triggers are so painful. I wish you best of luck in Florida Judy, I really hope that some healing conversations come out of the experience. It’s great to hear about your mom and her recovery, sorry to hear your dad is here but really not living….:(

      Susan, thanks for the kinds words, I appreciate it!! Man, reading both of your texting stories are bringing back memories of my husbands lack of respect around the texting. I couldn’t get the texting records and it’s probably for the best anyway. But I remember reading the messages from his phone more times than I can remember (he left his phone at home, and I kept it…lol). You asked about the triggers and when does it get better. I think getting out of the limbo stage helps. When you’re in limbo, your emotions are just there, and there is no other emotion to help direct it, it is really just raw. Once you make a decision, you can ‘fight’ your emotions you are feeling. For instance, if you start to get a trigger, if you made the decision to leave, you can say to yourself ‘I know this is painful to think about, but I have decided to leave the relationship, so this thought does not matter.’ If you decide to stay, you can say to yourself ‘I know this is painful to think about, but I have to think about the present and the future relationship of the marriage and what we can do to make it better.’ If you’re in the limbo stage, you really can’t say any of those statements because you haven’t decided yet, that is why the limbo stage can be so difficult, it’s like your emotions have no support but negative memories. Best of luck to you as well Susan, looks like you have a major decision coming up…

      p.s. Getting out of the limbo stage helps with triggers, but doesn’t eliminate them completely 🙂

  • Susan November 22, 2010, 7:52 PM

    Hello All,
    Judy I am so glad you read Jewels Ebook, I need to read it again. Madam Jewels you are a blessing!
    Judy once again I can totally relate to your pain, angst and turmoil. I looked at the cell phone bill countless times and as the initial shock wore off I was able to piece together timelines and activities that coincided with his talking and testing with her. My husband literally no exaggeration texted with her for 10-12 hours per day!! Needless to say he wasn’t getting any work done and unbeknownst to me had hired two employees to cover for him. I realized as I looked at the phone records all the times he texted her while at home and wouldn’t respond to my texts for hours yet was in constant communication with her. She woke up every morning to a text from him and went to bed every night with the two of them communicating. He texted her in our bed at 2AM while I lay sleeping next to him!!!

    The details are very painful yet I also believe don’t ask a question if you are afraid of the answer. However hearing details from the other woman is or was so much worse for me.

    As far as the triggers coming up over innocent comments I get them all the time as well. Jewels how long until they won’t bring us to our knees? I had dreams last night of them having sex and have been very withdrawn all day. It just sucks to see them as if they are right in front of me. Judy does Rhonda live by you? I have been following advice Jewels gave me the first time we communicated to avoid Lisa by going to different stores since she is right down the street and at first I resisted thinking I was giving her more power by changing my routine but it has helped. I hope you aren’t having to deal with that while you are in Floridia, it’s going to be hard enough to be in the condo. We are here for you and please stay in touch. We are switching islands today so I have one more week to go. I am wreck thinking about our counselor asking me to come back with an answer as to whether or not I’m willing to stay and work on our marriage. I hate limbo but still not sure. My husband has and is trying albeit not as consistent as I would like. He truly wants me to stay and I do love him yet I also hate him at the same time. Does that make me horrible? I do still want him to suffer and feel the fear and doubt that we all have. I pray for the anger to go away.
    I look forward to hearing from all of you and can’t say thank you enough for this lifeline from all of you.
    Aloha Susan

  • Chris November 22, 2010, 9:34 PM

    Ladies, thank you so much for all your responses. I know I am still in the early stages, but really appreciate that you are all here for me. It is helpful to know I am not alone and to see where you all have been and what you have gone through. My heart goes out to you all and I know we can be strong (it may just take a while to get there). Let me share a bit more of my story. I have two beautiful girls ages 10 and 7. When I told him that I would not want my kids to stay with someone that cheated and hurt them the way I am hurting now, he said he agreed (he made a mistake he says). For the past year, they have gotten used to the fact that daddy is always gone, whether it be for traveling or for fun. Why is it that kids can accept that daddy is always gone? Why should that be okay? Not that I would ever change the fact that I am always here for them. I am the rock that is always with them, while daddy was traveling or just out at the bar with friends. Anyway, the kids had noticed us fighting for the past year. In fact, my 10 year old starting seeing a counselor at school to talk because she was worried about divorce. This was all BEFORE I knew he was cheating. I should have taken notice and picked up on the signs like she did. Since I have found out, (my kids do not know), the kids have been so excited because he is always home now. On the other hand, I find it difficult to show happiness toward him. I tell him, how could he have chosen to give up these kids that he says he loves so much. And how much they cling to him now that he has not been traveling. I have told him, things need to change. The traveling has to stop and it is not a temporary thing. He just says he likes his job, which has always involved travel. So time will tell what happens there. I just know that if he chooses to travel again, I don’t think I will be able to take it.
    Jewels, you mention to take time for myself. I cannot do that yet. I am so paranoid to leave him alone. I am afraid he will contact her somehow. Literally, I will not go to bed before him (he used to stay up late to talk to her through email, facebook and texts), I am afraid to leave him home alone, even with the kids. Now we even run mundane errands together. The only time he has been alone is when he goes to work. And I have expressed he needs to communicate with me sometime during the day. Everyday I ask the same questions as to whether or not he has heard from her or talked to her. I worry I am being too paranoid. But each week something seems to happen that throws me into an anxiety attack. She emails his work email, so if she does email, I would not know about it if he deleted it. I have asked him to tell me if she contacts him and he has said that he will tell me. But it is hard for me to trust that he would actually tell me (he has told me before he would rather just delete her email to avoid the pain from me). Yesterday, I saw that she emailed him at work. I deleted it before he saw it, but it makes me wonder how many other times she has emailed him and whether or not he is telling me the truth. And it completely ruins my day. I go back to the beginning and can’t get rid of the terrible feelings I have each time she contacts him.
    It is more difficult that the holidays are upon us. We typically have a few groups of friends that we get together with during the holidays. I am so afraid I will have triggers and start crying, get upset, angry or blurt something out, that I am cancelling all plans. I am just not ready to share all this with anyone. I feel like such a failure and a fool. And he goes on each day just fine. He says he is hurting too, but I just don’t see it.
    I should probably face the fact that he will not beg or fight to keep me. I don’t think men are wired that way, but it would be nice. This bothers me the most. If he really wants to keep this family together and make it work, why wouldn’t he put in more effort instead of just leaving it to me to decide. What I have said is that if I find out he is still in contact with her or continues to lie to me, I will not be on the fence, but will leave him and take the kids with me.
    We are taking it one day at a time and I hope to get through the holidays for now. That’s all I can plan for with the kids in mind. Thanks for listening everyone.

  • Jewels November 23, 2010, 9:34 PM

    Hello Chris,
    You must of been typing as I was typing to Judy and Susan, which is why I missed this note yesterday. Thanks for the update and context. Your situation with the kids is really difficult because they were worried about the arguing before, and now that the affair has occurred, they actually see positive changes in that Daddy is now home more. If you have kids still in the house, it makes the decision really difficult because you don’t want to hurt the kids. The good news is that they are enjoying the time Daddy is spending at home now. I am glad they are in a good place.

    As far as you and trusting your husband, I see from your message that you’re not ready to actually do something alone, which is fine, everyone’s recovery journey is unique. But just realize that eventually, you’re going to have to evaluate your current lifestyle and see if you can really keep an eye on him like you are now and also live your life?? Continue to do what makes you feel comfortable, but one day I think it would be good for you to evaluate the situation. If your husband got an email from her, should you be the one deleting it or should your husband? Eventually, you want your husband to make that call for himself, because like you mentioned before, you can’t catch everything. I know this might sound scary, but what if you left the email there? Would he respond? Would he tell you that she tried to contact him? At some point in the future, you might want to open up just a little and see how he responds. Because he has to earn the trust back, and if you are ‘right there’ all the time, then he might not get the opportunity to see if he is making any progress in building the trust again. Plus being ‘right there’ all the time is like putting 2 bricks on your shoulder 24 hours a day. This is just something for you to consider, you can totally ignore what I am saying if you like, just wanted to give you some food for thought. I wish you the best during the holidays, I hope that you’re able to have a great time with your family. Take care.

  • Susan December 3, 2010, 12:50 AM

    Hello ladies,
    I have been thinking of all of you and would love to hear how things are going. I am home from Hawaii and thought that I had come to the decision of putting both feet on the side of working on my marriage. Well… As soon as I got home and the reality of my life came crahing in I promptly went back into crushing pain, anger and all the negative self talk. Judy I really want to know how your weekend went and hope your not posting means you are doing ok.

    Jewels I just read your post about affirmations and us having it within ourselves to recover from this whether we stay or not. I believe that and know I could sit down with another woman and tell her that but I can’t seem to stay in that healthy mind set for even an entire day.

    The last three days have been full of literally one trigger after the other. I am still following your advice and avoiding the shopping center by her store so I drove five miles in the other direction to grocery shop yesterday and guess who’s in the store? She sees me and gets this smirk on her face and obviously loves to make people unhappy that it crushes me all over again that my husband saw and felt good things about her. She literally gets off on running into me as I’m sure she can see on my face that it puts me on tilt. I feel my whole body flush and can hear my heart beating and get this whooshing sound in my head like I’m gonna pass out. I hate that I still give her that much power but it just takes me by surprise when I see her and then all the triggers and pain is once again so raw.

    I guess I’m looking at it today from the perspective of thinking that if staying with him means continuing to experience this over and over I can’t do it. It took every ounce of energy I had while on our trip to be present with my husband. I am so shutdown around him I have to tell myself to relax and laugh and try to see and feel joy in things. I can’t feel safe around him unless I’m looking at him sideways. Does that even make sense? It’s like some moment I will find myself feeling relaxed and “normal” with him and then get jolted back to reality and I catch myself thinking hold up here you can’t trust him and it’s not safe to feel happy. How pathetically sad is that?

    Well everyone I really hope to hear from you all and I truly hope you all are doing well or at least a bit better and thanks again Jewels for all you do.
    Susan

    • Jewels December 4, 2010, 8:45 AM

      Hello Susan! I am sorry to hear that you’re having so many triggers after making a decision to work on your marriage. You went from a location with not as many triggers to one of intense triggers, so the transition can be particularly tough. How long have you been home? The reason I ask is because maybe your feelings will be less intense after you have settled in (I am trying to be hopeful (smile)). I wish I could be a police officer and put an order of protection from the other woman being in your presence, it’s like she is around every corner of your neighborhood!! If you talked out with your husband about the triggers once you came home, how does he feel about it? Is he trying to understand? I hope your weekend turned out to be better than the week that you have had. Thanks for asking about everyone, I am going to two holiday parties in the next couple of days, and I hope they turn out to be great events. Take Care.

  • Judy December 3, 2010, 6:50 AM

    Hello all:

    Susan it is sometimes “uncanny” the way we are so in tune. I literally opened my laptop to “converse” on the blog this morning to see how you made out with your trip, and was hoping as you have not been communicating that your world had calmed down a little, I am so sorry to see the pain is still all there with the same intensity, maybe even worse, because things didn’t go as you had hoped/planned.

    I am leaving this morning on the autotrain to head to Florida, I cancelled my original plans and kept stalling to finalize any plans, because I had actually made up my mind I wanted to walk away from my marriage, it was just becoming so hard everyday thinking this is the new life I am dealing with, an unfaithful husband, and I just didn’t think I could take it anymore. My husband asked me to please come to Florida as we had planned once he got to Florida, so I am going, very reluctantly, and I don’t expect very much from the visit. I told my husband the other day, in yet another yelling/crying session on the phone about what he did, that I am coming down with my mind made up about leaving him, and I’ll give him a chance to try and change it, which he believes he can, he says he wants to try and make up to me for what he did, but he didn’t just forget my birthday, and now he is trying to “make up” for that by taking me out for dinner on another day — I really don’t know what he could possible do to make this up to me. I have already told him, the idea of him touching me makes me nauseous. I don’t know why I was willing to be intimate with him this past summer, maybe I was just still in such shock over what he did, and I was just functioning without realizing it. I have forewarned him don’t cook anything special for my arrival, in the past he always would do that, as he loves to cook, and it is the way he expresses his caring about someone…well, as I have pointed out before, the first night he invited Rhonda over to our condo, he prepared an elaborate dinner for her. So, walking into the condo, is hard enough, without some special meal and/or dish waiting for me, that will really be an intense trigger, and I have enough without additional assistance.
    The other day when I was telling my husband I really don’t see a point in me coming down, I explained to him that he has subjected me to a life sentence of this hurt & pain, I don’t believe it could ever get better, this hurt/betrayal/pain is just too much too bear.
    I asked him how to I believe this will never happen again, since he told me 32 years ago this would never happen when he took marriage vows, he said because if he was ever to be in a situation where it was a possibility, he would think of me first. I told him after I gave that some thought, I don’t want to be an “afterthought”, I should have been his first thought when it was going down that road with Rhonda, and he didn’t, not even the next morning when I was crying on the phone about my Dad’s stroke, he didn’t think about me enough then, to stop everything that he began the night before, but no, he continued the relationship. These are the kinds of thoughts that are in my head 24/7 (except for the hours I get sleep at night), but when I wake up, BOOM, there they are.

    I don’t have to worry about running into Rhonda, although I really feel I would like to, but will take your advice Susan, and stay away from her home, which is about 30 minutes away from where we live, I have never been there, but in the very beginning did some “google” research on her ( I felt like I was 16 again, trying to find out info on the girl that was my competition with any boy I might have liked — how ridiculous my husband has made me).

    I was thinking of doing the following, tell me what you think– I was going to get a “throwaway” phone from Walmart with a local number, and text my husband as if I were Rhonda and I didn’t want to contact him via my old number in case his wife was still checking the phone records, and in the e-mail I was going to tell him I wanted to talk with him, and would he meet me, I was then going to pick a place with a day & time, and then wait there to see if my husband showed up — if he did, then my decision will be made to leave with no looking back. The reason I want to do something like this, is as I have stated previously, I just need to know how this relationship ended, if it was Rhonda that ended it and not my husband, then I feel that speaks volume, because the last and final text was from my husband a week after there had been any communication from Rhonda. My husband keeps saying the relationship just ended, and I don’t believe it happens that way, somebody was the catalyst for it to end, not only the sexual encounters which seemed to have ended a month or more before the phone communication ended ( I know this because of the gate entrances that were made after my husband was already in the condo — we have a special gate code which shows up on the phone bills with the date & times). My husband and Rhonda communicated for over 3 months, and then suddenly they just stop talking –come on, I am not an idiot. My husband says there was no “lovers quarrel” or anything like that, but he can’t remember exactly why their communicating came to a halt. The day I confronted him at Tucsons where they met & she worked, I watched him walk by her & her friends and he didn’t even acknowledge any of them, he didn’t know I suspected anything at that point, so why wouldn’t he at least say “hi” to them, he says because he hadn’t seen me in over 5 months and just wanted to walk over to me immediately didn’t even notice who else was around — I don’t know, do you think that it was a viable reason he didn’t. Oh, this whole thing makes me crazy — I am so tired of it consuming me, I analyze and analyze everything and still come up with no answers!

    It makes me crazy that I can’t get the actual texts from the phone company, I requested them from Verizon in the very beginning and was told due to privacy, they couldn’t release them without a court order. I think that is something that should change, if I am paying for the phone, all information should be made available to me.
    So, as you all can see, I am really not hopeful, my spirit has been destroyed, and I don’t see how being with my husband will change that, but I will be on the train this afternoon, and will give an update once I arrive.
    Thinking of everyone, and especially you Susan, to have had the hopes you did of moving forward with your marriage and to still be paralyzed with the pain, the hurt, the rage — I don’t even know what to say, only that I am thinking of you, and have been for most of the week, hoping that you were not writing because things had gone so well, and you didn’t have much to say — but I am sorry that you still have very much to say. Take care & I will post again soon (by the way, my mom is doing awesome, she truly came back from death’s door — thanks for all the good thoughts & prayers).

    • Jewels December 4, 2010, 9:07 AM

      Judy, that’s great that your mom is doing well!! It’s good to hear from you. I think we have ALL been that 16 year old searching on Google in this situation. I remember doing the same thing. I wanted her first and last name, I want to know where she lived, what she did for a living. My husband wasn’t helping at all, so I was using Google. At one point, I even went on those websites where you can pay to find someone’s address, but I didn’t go through with it. I think it makes us crazy because we so desperately want the truth, and we thought we could find it in our husbands, but since we are not sure, we frantically search for that truth.

      This is just my personal opinion, but it does sound strange that he can’t remember how it ended. But to be honest with you, I think most men don’t tell their wives how it ended. I would love to know that, and if he only knew how much that would make me feel at peace. I actually wanted to hear my husband end it while I was on the phone, but that backfired. The reality is, they might not tell us (and typically don’t). I personally had to let that feeling of knowing go, because it was too much of a struggle. And even if I did find out, that one little piece of the puzzle might make me feel better, but overall the feelings would remain because of everything else. This is why it’s one of the hardest decisions, you have to make it without knowing all the facts, or questioning if the information you hear it true, so hard to make a decision in that environment.

      It is totally up to you if you want to try your phone suggestion. I think that whether or not you get the data your looking for, it will still come down to making a decision without knowing everything (take a deep breath). I hope you have a great weekend as well Judy.

  • Susan December 10, 2010, 11:02 PM

    Hello Ladies,
    I hope you all are well. I am going to tell my husband after Christmas that I can’t stay married. I am scared, hurt and have no idea what the future holds. I have stayed in limbo, been ambivalent and changed my mind a thousand times. The answer has come to by realizing that I’m not healing and the triggers are still so frequent and just as intense and I believe that I will heal once I am on my own. I just can’t see ever trusting him again or feeling that we are in a committed healthy marriage. It just feels so fake when we are around other couples and when we are having a few “normal” moments I will suddenly feel this jolt and remember what my reality really is. Jewels you often share about our personal recovery and the grief process while we are on this road to recovery. I have taken your suggestions to heart and have come to the painful conclusion that I was doing better until he moved back in a month ago. I did have nights of dancing by myself and playing with my dogs and not having to sleep on the edge of the bed because I didn’t want to be close to him.

    This is going to be a really hard Christmas as it’s my first without my Mom and now the last with my husband. I hope to hear from all of you to cheer each other up and offer support. I miss you ladies! Let’s get blogging again!
    Judy how are you? I’m worried please let us know how you are. Miss Jewels I’m thiNking of you and your kids as this is your first Christmas in your new home and new life.
    Be well ladies, hope to hear from you all soon
    Susan

    • Jewels December 11, 2010, 10:26 PM

      Hello Susan,

      Seems like you made a decision to leave your husband after the holidays. It is such a difficult choice, and I applaud your courage in making a decision. I am sorry this season will be tough for you knowing that it’s your last without your husband and your first without your mom. You have a tough road ahead, but things will get better, they really will. I hope that you and your husband can leave the marriage in a way where your still able to interact with each other in a respectful manner. I was very lucky in that by the time I actually moved out, my husband was well informed (I had repeatedly told him). And I informed him in a very respectful way (not when I was mad/angry at him), because I really didn’t have the energy to fight about my decision. Thanks for asking about the kids, they are doing ok. We still rotate them back an forth between us, and so far, my 4 year old is handling it as best she can. My son is too young to express himself, which might actually be a good thing. Anyways, I hope the rest of your weekend is a good one. Take care.

  • Judy December 14, 2010, 1:41 PM

    Hello all:

    I have been in Florida for just over a week, and it has gone from bad to worse and then a little improvement with the bad again.

    My husband originally thought that us having been apart for the last two plus months was the reason things had gone “down hill” from the summer, and that once we were together, we could talk about things in person rather than over the phone and/or thru e-mails, but he again “led me down the garden path”, as he really was much more “open” over the phone/emailing, he has shut down so many times this past week, with each one escalating into a fight.
    We had a huge fight on Saturday, there were triggers from the moment I woke up and I didn’t want to run any errands with him, which led him to say to me that he thinks I would be better off without him, there was crying and what felt like begging…but not from him, it was from me, in trying to understand why it feels like I have done all the work, and I know we have discussed this in other comments, that as much as we want our husbands to beg, they just accept our desire to walk away. I am just miserable, and I realize that my husband has done way too much damage to our marriage for it to be repaired. I don’t want a new relationship, one he says might be “better”, I told him although we may have had our problems, I thought that our marriage even at the times it was “rocky” was at least strong enough to avoid what he did.

    Susan, I fully understand your need to walk away, as hard as it is, I too, find being with my husband much harder. Last night he slept in the guest bedroom because his back had been bothering him, and I told him the mattress in that room might help him, and I found that I really liked him not laying next to me, I got a much better night sleep. My heart was no longer racing as it had been over the last week when I would be enveloped with the thoughts of him and Rhonda, I realize he is the biggest “trigger”, looking at him or talking with him is what is the most upsetting to me and I just want it to stop. Unfortunately, I don’t have the financial resources to just walk away, as we are tied together to the business, but we are scheduled to go back to NJ for Christmas and then I am staying additional time for my daughter’s baby shower, and I am considering not going back to Florida at all after that. I am not saying anything to him about my tentative plans, and will just see how I feel once he leaves to go back to Florida, if I find I am much more at peace without him on a daily basis, then I think I am going to file for divorce.
    I really thought that maybe I could move beyond this, but I just don’t think so, and it sounds Susan, like you are in the same position — wanting desperately for things to feel normal again, but realizing that they won’t. I thought that at 54 years old, after struggling in the early days of our marriage, that we could now enjoy the “fruit of our labors”, and we would be facing the easier part of our relationship, but because of my husband’s selfishness, I am feeling like I am starting all over again, but with alot more baggage. I don’t know how other women have been able to forgive and move on, and maybe not even forgive, but at least able to move on, I just can’t and I am so sorry that Susan, you are having the same struggle. As we seem to share a “soul”, please keep writing and let me know how things are continuing to go for you…good and the bad.

    Best to all.

    • Jewels December 15, 2010, 9:34 PM

      Hello Judy,

      Sorry your having such a tough time, I can feel the stress through your words. It seems that both you and Susan are in a similar spot, which is towards the end of your decision making stage. And for the both of you, the stress of staying is too much to bear. I totally think it’s the right move not to talk to your husband at this time about staying in Florida or the divorce. It really takes a couple of weeks to be really strong enough and confident enough to hold your conviction of leaving without either breaking down or screaming during the conversation with your husband. The next couple of months are not going to be easy, but just trust that whatever path you lead yourself to is the right one for you. Take care. Baby Shower?? Exciting!! Take care.

  • raynejasper December 14, 2010, 9:43 PM

    Hi everyone,

    It’s been a while since I didn’t open this site because we had a problem with our connection.

    Susan, I think we’re in the same situation right now. I also plan to leave my husband after the holidays. Like you, I’m also not sure what lies ahead in the future. One thing I’m sure of is I don’t like to stay like this anymore. It was worst for me because even if I’ve already known that my husband is cheating, instead of making amends, he continued with his affair. I don’t like my daughter to grow up in this kind of family. I’ve already set my mind that when I go out of the house, I will leave all the hurts and pains I’ve experienced and move on. My problem now is how I am going to talk to my in-laws since they have been very supportive of me ever since. The first time I told them that I’m leaving their son, they asked me to stay in the house instead and they told me that they are willing to let their son out of the house. They don’t like him to bring another woman in the house (we had been staying in my in-laws’ house but we are alone, my in-laws stay in the house of their other daughter). I’ve already planned to talk to my family especially to my father about my marriage since he doesn’t know anything about the situation I’m in. It’s difficult but I just keep on praying and hoping that everything will be alright. I have been contemplating about this for how many months and thanks for all of you here that I gain more confidence and strength to move on.

    Cris, Jewels and the others are right. Give yourself more time. It won’t do any good if you make haste in your decision. As we all know, there are so many things to consider most importantly the kids. Right now, focus on yourself and what makes you happy. Don’t dwell on things that will make you cry. Well, crying is always a part but do your best to stand up for your own sake and your kids. The right time will come and you will know that when you can’t already shed a tear but just think of moving forward. We’re here for you.

    Judy, I hope after that, you will be able to decide now whether to stay with him or not. You will be able to realize if your marriage with him is worth fighting or not. I have also been in the “trying to fix” period and I didn’t see it materialize. My husband would act like nothing happened like everything is normal between us even if he is still with the girl. When I dwell on those things, I feel like stabbing them both but what good will it do to me, right? You can’t just imagine how I try to conceal my feelings of hurt every time I’m with him in the house. I don’t like to show him that I’m hurting because i feel like he really just want to hurt me. We have a very different situation but we have one definite goal – that is to move on with our life and be happy. Let’s stick together in this battle and I know we can win.

    To Jewels, thank you very much for you have been a very great help for me in my battle. I’ve learned to move on and stay strong with the insights I’ve read here. I may not have posted often but I’m always reading.
    To all, let’s all enjoy the season and find things that will make us happy. After all, our happiness doesn’t rely on our husband, it is our own choice. Let’s show them that we can’t be torn and that after everything, we still have the last laugh. God bless everyone and always take care.

    • Jewels December 15, 2010, 9:49 PM

      Hello Raynejasper,

      Thanks for the update, there are a lot of similarities between us. I think you have mentioned before that you don’t want your daughter to grow up in this environment. That was such a huge factor for me as well. I wanted her to know that as a woman, you should be confident and proud of who you are, and I just couldn’t be that ‘woman’ with my husband anymore. As you probably know, my husband continued with the affair as well, and when I found out the second time, he wanted to just act like nothing happened and move on as well. I also had a hard time telling my father, he was the last to know, not sure what it is with telling fathers, but it was tough. Best of luck with that part, when I told my father I was totally surprised at how supportive he was. I love the statement that when you leave the house, you already set in your mind to leave the hurts and pains and move on. Keep repeating that to yourself, that is really going to help when you leave. Thanks for the comment about this site helping , it is appreciated. Take care and keep us posted.

  • Susan December 20, 2010, 10:10 PM

    Hello Ladies,
    I have the flu so haven’t had the energy to post but wanted to share my news with you all. First let me say welcome Joanne I’m very sorry to hear your going thru all of this but I’m glad you found Jewels and I hope we can provide some comfort and support. Rayne I am so proud of you! I can feel your strength and will keep you in my thoughts. Please keep us posted.
    Well ladies, I told my husband today that I wasn’t willing to stay in the marriage, I had planned on telling him after Christmas but for whatever reason I just couldn’t wait. Last night was a rough one, I was running a fever and kept having triggers and flashbacks about the OW and just realized I can’t live like this and I woke up today and knew in my heart I had to tell him. It didn’t stay very civil I totally lost my cool and brought up all my pain and anger but I did get it out. I told him I was done and couldn’t live with someone who had treated me so horribly. He kept saying we could get through this and I finally screamed at him I don’t want to get thru it with you!!! I hope in the next few days we can talk civilly about the nuts and bolts of a separation but I don’t want him to be here over Christmas. As you know my adult children are from my first marriage and they don’t want anything to do with him and I really want to have them be here on Christmas so I hopefully can convince him to honor my wishes and go to his family and leave me to be with mine.

    I am scared yet empowered, I finally said it!!!! I have no idea what’s going to happen but I know I am doing the right thing. He so completely degraded me and lied for so long I know I will not only never trust him but I can’t build self respect and esteem as long as he is in my life.

    I am 52 years old and starting over, Judy once again I can relate to your dilemna it’s scary to start over at a point in life when I thought I’d be having grandchildren and settling into a new phase in my life. Now my new phase is ground zero, I will probably lose my house, he says he will let me keep it but he’s also changed his story on that many times. My mind can go down so many rabbit trails of fear and uncertainty right now. Please send your wisdom and peace my way Miss Jewels! Judy I hope we hear from you. God bless ladies and I look forward to hearing from all of you.
    Susan

    • Jewels December 21, 2010, 10:56 PM

      Hello Susan,

      Glad to hear from you. Sorry you had a rough night last night but glad you got it out. It really is hard to steer clear from emotion during such an intense topic, but I am glad you got it off your chest. It’s interesting, at times I think that men go through the same grieving process that we go through once we finally say it’s over – that is really a turning point for the men. Our lives have been turned upside down from the moment we found out, when you say you’re leaving and they can see you mean it, that is when things start to get real for them. They sometimes even go through the same grief that we go through (denial, anger, etc.). It will be interesting to see how he handles it, keep us posted. My husband was in denial for a while, didn’t really want to talk about separation, kept on trying to say things like ‘we don’t have to’ and ‘we can work it out’. But when we actually make our minds up, those comments just make us angry :).

      There is one comment that you wrote that I want you to hold onto. You said that you have no idea what will happen but you know you are doing the right thing. When you think about the fear and uncertainty, tell yourself that you’re not sure of the road ahead, but you know you’re doing the right thing. Hopefully, that will keep you out of the rabbit trails! I am so happy that you made your decision with confidence in your thoughts, and even though you were fearful, you put yourself first in making your decision (looking at the comment about your self respect and self esteem). Even through the road ahead might not be easy, you should definitely pat yourself on the back for making such a tough choice. I hope you feel better and I hope he honors your wishes!

  • raynejasper December 21, 2010, 7:22 PM

    hi everyone, thanks so much for the support I’m getting from you all. Christmas day is near and that was also the day I’ve set to talk to my family about my situation, I’m really hoping and praying that they will understand me and offer their help because they are the only people I can rely on this time. It’s been a long time since I’ve carried my burdens alone and I think I can’t go on like this any longer.
    For now, I’m asking for your help through your prayers that everything will work out fine for me and my baby. Let’s all help each other until we fully recover and share the happiness with each other too. Although I’m having a problem where to stay since the boarding house that we were suppose to rent was already taken because I had a miscommunication with my sister, but I’m positive that we can still find a house to stay.
    I’m planning to go home in the province but my daughter is about to go to school and I don’t like to lost my job because it is the only source of our survival. I know that things will gonna be tough but I’m sticking to my decision. I’m also prepared for whatever circumstances I will be facing.
    We can all triumph in the different situation that we are in ladies, I know we will. let’s all be strong for each other and remind ourselves that we are not alone and that we have each other to hold on to. I love you all ladies. Have a merry Christmas. I may not be able to be online starting on the 24th, but definitely I will update you.
    Take care ladies and let’s move on. Let’s do our best to put one of our foot forward until we can get the other foot to move forward too. God bless.

    • Jewels December 21, 2010, 11:03 PM

      Hello Raynejasper,

      It seems like the holiday will be a big one for you as well, in telling your family about your intentions. I feel and hope that you get the support from your family. I will send positive energy your way to help with the conversation, but I have total faith that everything will be ok, including finding a place to live. At times, I really didn’t think I was going to find something, and then I got lucky and found an apartment. Now, I have to get used to apartment life (loud neighbors), but my kids are loud as well so it equals out. The peace of mind is what I enjoy most (even with a little noise). Just the ability to think and relax, I just couldn’t do that in my old home, it was too stressful. And living in a stressful home for long periods of time is not good. There should be some type of positive progress, or movement out of the marriage. You seem very empowered in your email, best of luck, you know we will be here for you!

  • raynejasper December 22, 2010, 7:49 PM

    Thank you so much Jewels, I really appreciate all the positive lines you’re giving me. I do really hope and pray that everything will work out fine.
    To everyone, have a joyful and blessed Christmas. Let’s be happy for ourselves.
    God bless and do take care!

  • Judy December 23, 2010, 8:22 AM

    Hello all:

    This message is simply to send wishes for everyone that their holidays will be filled with family and friends who give us the strength we need to get through the difficult times.

    Warmest regards,

    Judy

    • Jewels December 23, 2010, 11:40 PM

      Thanks Judy!!

  • Susan January 4, 2011, 12:06 AM

    Hello Ladies,
    I’m just checking in with everyone and am anxious to hear how the holidays were. Judy how are you? Rayne how did it go with your family? Jewels how was Christmas with the kids?

    I am still planning on a divorce, we spent Christmas together as we both have had the flu. I did make a nice dinner but it sure wasn’t festive. My husband keeps trying the “pretend” game it’s as if he thinks as long as he pretends I’m not serious it will all go his way and I will stay. He is driving me out of my mind!! Everything he does irritates me, I see him so differently now. He is manipulative, controlling and very immature. Here’s an example;he woke up with a stye infection in his right eye and came into my room all freaked out. I informed him of what it was and told him how to treat it and that it wasn’t serious. He kept on and on about it and asked if he would go blind!! Please, I had had enough and finally snapped at him that if he was so worried about infections why wasn’t he concerned about STD’S??? Said I don’t want to hear his ridiculous immature nonsense. I can’t take the games. I still have huge triggers and flashbacks and he knows I’m still so hurt but all he cares about is getting his way and needing love and reassurance. I want a man not a selfish lying little asshole! Sorry had to vent a bit.

    I hope to hear from all of you and you are in my thoughts everyday.
    I pray that 2011 will be a blessed year for all of us.
    Warmly,
    Susan

    • Jewels January 5, 2011, 12:00 AM

      Hello Susan,

      Good to hear from you. My husband played the pretend game as well, it if I don’t say nothing, he can just pretend nothing happened. It’s like our husbands are all in this together or something!! I know it wasn’t funny at the time, but as I read your update, your comment about the STD did put a smile on my face. One, because I can just imagine the fume of hearing him talk about an eye infection just get you boiling, as it would for me. Second, your response was such a witty response, I know he wasn’t expecting it. It’s one of those responses that I probably would of thought of hours after the conversation. I was thinking to myself…Go Susan!! Take Care and I look forward to everyone’s updates.

  • raynejasper January 4, 2011, 2:58 AM

    hi everyone..
    Susan, I had a talked with my family and I have already expected that they will ask me why I didn’t tell them before. My father was sort of feeling that I ignored him as a father because I took my problem alone though it was serious. there is a practice in our place that when problems like this arise, they would call the elders and talk to both parties. We did schedule that but my husband didn’t come during the scheduled date that’s why my relatives were furious but they didn’t show their feeling to the opposite party. We talked even if my husband wasn’t there and they let me narrate what’s happening in our family. I told them everything. However, they didn’t advise me to get separated from my husband. His relatives asked me to give him three months extension or chance to fix our problems. Though its hard for me considering that I know I have already done the best I could but things didn’t work out good. My husband is still cheating on me and doesn’t even give financial support to us. So this time, I’m still living with him but I let my family take care of my daughter because I don’t like her to be taken cared of by my husband’s family. I’m trying to be good to him but as if I don’t feel any love towards him anymore. Anyway, for the sake of his relatives who are really very nice to me, I’ll try to take their advice but if it won’t work, then its really final. I may not be able to give a father’s love to my daughter but I will see to it that I’ll give her the best life I can afford.
    Susan, I guess, you’re already on the right track by leaving your husband. It takes a lot of courage to pretend that we are alright when its not true.
    To everyone, I hope things will work out good for all of us this year. Keep in touch.. God bless..

    • Jewels January 5, 2011, 12:07 AM

      Hello Raynejasper,

      Thanks for the update. That is great that you have extended family support. I can’t believe your husband didn’t show up, but is probably a good reflection for your relatives on how he has been behaving. I know your dad might be upset you didn’t come to him, but the only thing a daughter wants for her dad is for him to think of her in a positive manner. The shame and disappointment in your marriage caused you to delay, which had nothing to do with how you felt about your father. So don’t think too much of it, he will eventually come around. By taking the advice of your elders, you will be able to officially say you gave it a fighting chance. It’s hard when you don’t see your husband in the same light anymore, it’s like a realization that just changes everything. Good hearing from you.

  • Judy January 20, 2011, 8:01 PM

    Hello everyone:

    It has been a long time since I have communicated or saw communications, I hope everyone is doing well…Susan – did you end up leaving after the holidays and how are you doing.
    I am still in NJ — weather has been a big issue with me getting back to Florida, and I welcome the delays. I am supposed to go back next week, but really don’t want to. I don’t generally buy lottery tickets, but have been recently, in hopes that I would win and be financially able to walk away, but until such time as I win, I am going to continue to try to rebuild our business to the success it was a few years ago, before the economy hit us and my husband was too busy with his affair to give the business the attention it needed, and then once it is doing well, I might have more options.

    So, it is another day of this nightmare, but soon, I hope to wake up from it and begin a new life without all the poison that has entered into it. Best to all of you

    • Jewels January 21, 2011, 10:10 PM

      Hello Judy,

      Good to hear from you. It’s the worst feeling when you feel stuck, but even worse is when you’re stuck and not knowing what to do. You seem more confident in your decision than just a couple of months ago. Instead of thinking about the decision, you’re focused on your game plan, which is great. It might take some time, but you will be able to achieve your goal. Take care.

  • raynejasper January 24, 2011, 11:57 PM

    Hi everyone.. How are we all doing these days? I do hope and pray that we are still on the track of fixing our lives and moving forward..
    I’m so sad because I’m terribly missing my baby.. I decided to leave her in our house in the province because I don’t want her to witness the very abnormal relationship we are having with her dad.. I wish I could do something else so that I can take care of her and still make a living.. She’s too young and she doesn’t deserve to be involve in this kind of cruelty.. I would really like to get out of my marriage but my relatives insist that I’d be more patient and wait until three months is over just like what my husband’s relatives asked me to observe if he will change. I’m sick of him and I don’t like to see him if possible.. huh.. I guess I will be stucked like this until march.. I hope by then, I can already tell my husband’s relatives that I tried to give him a chance but he chose not to grab the opportunity. Sometimes, I’d ask myself why there are people like my husband who would just want to hurt me over and over again.. I try my very best to ignore him but when I see him, I can’t help myself but think of how mean he is.. I think he’s not a man, he’s a devil..
    Judy, I pray that you continue to be firm with your decision and move on immediately. life has been hard and we deserve to be happy.. I’d like to have that kind of energy and determination that you have so that I could continue being strong and move on too..
    Jewels, thank you that’s all I can say.. The word isn’t enough but you know how this site means to me.. Its the only site where I could bring out what I thought and be myself because I knew we all understand each other here..
    God bless everyone.. let’s continue moving on..

    • Jewels January 25, 2011, 7:13 PM

      Hello Raynejasper,

      Good to hear from you. Sorry your little one is away from you. How often do you get to see her? That’s noble of you to keep her away from the situation. There was one or two times where my daughter witnessed me acting irrational during that period and I regret it. Times goes fast you will see her again in no time, but that must be tough. How is your husband treating you during this time? I would be interested to know if he is making any effort even with advisement of family. Lastly, thanks for the wonderful comment about the site, your thoughts are exactly what I wanted the site to be. Look forward to hearing from you.

  • raynejasper January 25, 2011, 7:44 PM

    Dear Jewels,
    My husband doesn’t show any sign of change. I’m also tired of talking to him so I prefer to just keep quiet. My dad keep on asking if there are good developments and I said none. So he told me to just continue treating him good and after three months so that his relatives wouldn’t find anything to blame me for the break up, then I have to move out from the house and find another place to stay. I only see my daughter once in a month so its really tough for me. There are times when I just cry because I terribly miss her. My husband doesn’t also provide anything for his financial obligation so I don’t think I have any reason to stay in this marriage in my whole lifetime. Many people say that I’m still young and I can find a better man. But then, I don’t have that in mind yet. My priority is my daughter.
    Till next time.. have a good day ahead..

  • Jewels January 27, 2011, 10:31 PM

    Hello Everyone,

    Susan posted an update, but for some reason it’s not showing up so I will post it, hopefully this one will show up. I will look into the issue, thanks!!

    Message from SUSAN:
    Hello Ladies,
    It was good to hear from you Judy and Rayne. I am still home with my husband. I panicked ladies and hate to admit how strong finances and “security” are immobilizing me!!! I am 52 and scared out of my mind to start over, I really believed I was ready and strong and then when push came to shove I caved.

    We aren’t together as in rebuilding, it’s more of a quiet stand-off. He knows how conflicted I am and continues to declare his desire to stay married and how sorry he is for all the pain he’s caused me.

    I just can’t find a way to let him in and I’m too afraid to leave. I’m so grateful I have all of you to admit this to as I don’t feel judged by all of you.

    Jewels thanks again for all your support. Judy, it was great to hear from you as you are in my thoughts frequently. Rayne, my heart goes out to you and admire your willingness to abide by your families requests. It was a self less act to place your daughter in a loving environment without the stress and that’s what defines a good mom and a great woman. I am proud of you!

    Please stay in touch ladies. Judy, don’t be gone so long. I’m glad I finally told all of you what’s up with me. I am more hurt and lost than ever.
    Warmly,
    Susan

  • Jewels January 27, 2011, 10:36 PM

    Susan,

    I did want to reply to you message and let you know you should not be ashamed at all about your current situation. It would be really bad if you left and then regretted leaving because you were not ready mentally, that is important. It seems like you just need some time to figure out if/how you can leave and still feel somewhat secure, and that takes time. So good to hear from you, take care.
    -Jewels

  • Susan January 28, 2011, 3:35 PM

    Hi everyone
    Jewels thank you for responding and posting my message. I appreciate your kind words and support. I caught my husband in another lie today and am shattered once again. It was the stupidest thing to lie about ever!!! I had lent his sister 400 dollars last fall and didn’t need her to pay me back. He had kept saying repeatedly that he was going to ask his sister for the money over the last month and I had told him it was my business and to leave it alone. Well yesterday he informed me that she had given him 100 bucks, so I texted her and said I was in no hurry to get the money and didn’t want her to feel pressured. Well she responded that she had paid Klark a month ago the full amount!!! He woke me up this morning mad that I had contacted his sister that he was dealing with it and I was to stay out of it not knowing what she had told me!! Bottom line is that it’s more ofnhis crap and him still trying to bully me into believing I am wrong and he can do and say whatever he pleases.

    I am done for good. I am contacting a realtor and get a recommendation as to what needs to be done to put our house on the market and will begin to pack and put things in storage in order to declutter the house for sale. This was the final straw for me, I can’t live like this any longer. If I’m going to start over I’m going to move out of Washington and back down to California to be by my family.

    I’m afraid and uncertain what my life will look like but I know it won’t be full of lies and deceit. I’m going to be very poor financially but I know in my heart I will be blessed with peace. And begin to build some self esteem and regain confidence in myself as a worthwhile woman.

    Thanks again ladies for all your support and I look forward to hearing from you.
    Susan

    • Jewels January 28, 2011, 10:09 PM

      Susan,

      I know how much the lies hurt, and they hurt even more after the affair. I think in our minds we think that our husbands know how much this hurts, and that they would never want to even tell a white lie again. But they continue to lie, and they have no idea how much the little lie hurts, it’s a trigger and a reminder of the lies of the affair. One of the most pivotal moments for me is when I realized I can’t make him not lie, I can’t make him not see her. I thought as a wife my crying, depression, sadness, and anger would hurt him so much that he would never want to hurt me again. But I was wrong, and that was a tough pill to swallow. BUT, because of that experience, I started to focus only on things that I can control, and the number one thing you can control is you. And because I focus on me more than even before, I am in a really good mental state, so there is hope 🙂

      Judy

      Thanks for the update. It seems like mentally you’re working on your game plan (saving up etc.), things will work out for you. I am so glad you found a support group, I hope and expect it to be a great experience. Please let me know the outcome, if it helps you, maybe I could write a post about it to help other women as well.

  • Judy January 28, 2011, 4:59 PM

    Hello everyone:

    I was so glad that Jewels posted your initial response Susan, as I have been wondering how things are going, expecting that you had moved out, but you were in the same position as me, the fear of starting a new life. A few weeks ago, I was crying to my daughter how scared I was, that although I wanted desperately to leave my husband, as I was at a more peaceful place when I was alone in NJ and he was in Florida, I didn’t have the financial resources (thus my weekly purchase of a lottery ticket)to start over, he and I derive our income from the business and I knew I could not continue to work with him on the business if I left him. I wanted him completely out of my life…so I have stuck around, trying to put whatever little money I can in a separate bank account in hopes that I will have the resources to finally feel comfortable to leave if I continue to want to do that. I am in Florida now, and the idea of him having Rhonda in my home, has been tearing me up more than ever before, so I understand, Susan, that things are worse, because they are so much worse than I expected.

    I then read your most recent post, and my heart aches for you, another lie, the wound just keeps getting ripped open bigger and bigger. Why is it that our husbands just don’t get all the damage they have caused and continue to cause, and yet want us to keep trying to work this all out. I have found a support group in Florida, and will be attending my first meeting next week. I am looking forward to being with other spouses who have been through this same nightmare. It is a national group “ban” (beyond affairs network), they probably have one in your area. I sent an e-mail and got a kind response from the group counselor (similar to the supportive, kind responses Jewels has continued to send – of which I admire you so much Jewels, for continuing to care about women like us, even though you have moved on to a new life – I didn’t realize how brave you were to do that, until I was to afraid too)

    I just feel so emotionally detached from my husband, our anniversay of 33 years is coming up this week and I don’t want to even acknowledge it because it seems like such a farce.

    Susan, stay strong, I know that is easy for me to say, but I found just having caring people say things to me like that, even if I wasn’t able to accomplish it, helped me. I wish we weren’t 3000 miles away, because I would so want to meet you as we seem to be kindred spirits in this, but fortunately distance knows no boundries when it comes to sending out a message of concern,caring and love. Although none of us has ever met, over these past months I have grown to love each of you for what you have given me… friends who listen and don’t judge. I will be thinking of all of you this weekend, but especially of you Susan.

  • Tara May 5, 2011, 12:15 PM

    My husband came home from a 6 week TDY yesterday and told me that he got really drunk on his birthday 2 weeks ago and had unprotected sex with some random girl at a party. He says that he realized 30 seconds in that it was wrong and got out of there, but I don’t care how long it was….it was wrong. He got checked out before coming home and thankfully is clear of any STDs, but has to wait 3 months for an HIV test. He is asking for a second chance even though we both have always said that cheating was a deal breaker. I have always said I would do anything possible to make my marriage work, but have also said that i would never be disrespected in this way and stay. We have been married for 3 and a half years and have 2 young daughters. I have been a stay at home mommy to my 2 year old and 6 month old. I am now stuck making the decision to leave or stay and try to work it out. He has promised to never drink again and says he will spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me. I don’t know what to believe anymore. Anyone have any advice for me?

    • Jewels May 8, 2011, 1:15 AM

      Hello Tara,

      This is just my opinion, if I were in your shoes, and you really believe in your heart that it was a one time thing, then I would try to make things work. Hopefully, the woman he had sex with is in another state. I think that in order for it work, I would highly recommend marriage counseling so you can deal with your feelings. If marriage counseling doesn’t work, you can try seeing a therapist on your own. I tend to really think a one night stand thing can really work. The type of affairs that are really difficult to overcome are the ones where they have a full out emotional and physical affair for months (even years), lying constantly to their wives. It seems like this situation is he got drunk and made a mistake. He told you as soon as he got home and got tested, which is a really good sign. Now if later down the line, you see that he is still talking to the woman, etc., then you got some serious problems. But for now, I would focus your energy on trying to make it work, and trying to make sure you’re ok mentally, because overcoming the situation is alot easier said than done. Best of luck, I hope you and your husband work it out.

  • Mitch September 28, 2011, 5:42 AM

    Hi Guys
    I have been reading these pages for the last hour and I suppose like you all realize we are not alone in our misery of cheating husbands!
    Judy, if you still read these pages, what have you done lately as you have not been on since January. I am 4 months into the world of hell of discovering the cheating husband! Like Judy said before, I wasn’t given a choice of what was taken from me. Of anyone I know, my husband would have been the last person I would have thought would have an affair even though he had many opportunities as he is in the entertainment business and always had loads of “groupies”. The one thing he always said was he had to talk to them, it was his livelihood, true, but that he always came home to me – which he did! We moved country nearly 10 years ago and to say we drifted apart ourselves would be an understatement! For the past 5 years or so we practically hated each other – yet at the same time – were still friends. i don’t know, it sounds weird reading it back but it’s true, we were always good friends. I just hated the fact that he was so self centred and always had been. Anyway, for the past few years he never did any family holidays with us, kept going back to my home country which he loved as he lived there for 20years before we left and has many friends still in the music business there, and whether it caused friction or not, he still went. I brought my kids to america last year – when i say kids – they just turned 20 this year – and i thought he would go with as they always wanted to go to universal etc. he said no and went to south africa again. He did the same again this year as i went to the USA again with my mom and my sister who just recovered from serious cancer treatments. On the day I came back from america he had left his email open, forgot to sign out on my computer and i found a very incriminating email from a woman as well as two others with photo’s of her. The email did not specifically say anything had happened, however, in her ending note of saying thinking of you, all of you, and somewhere else saying how sick with worry she felt about their special relationship I knew something was seriously wrong! He had also been hiking with her, which he went hiking with a friend of ours every year he or we went back home. The fact that he never mentioned this to me, i knew something had happened. He has always had female friends and kept in contact with most of his ex’s and was always upfront about them.. so once i saw this email my heart sank. As you all know- that awful – sick – gut wrenching feeling only someone whose husband has cheated on you knows – i just crumbled. I was shaking, mad, angry, sad, didn’t know what to do. He was at work till around 1am so what could i do? I had been awake from the morning before with time zones crossing from the USA back to europe. I had hours to mull this round in my head. How do i confront him? Did i wait and try catch him out? No, i couldn’t as then I realised he had a lock on his mobile phone, had his own personal email with secret password, same on face book, so i decided to confront him that night. I asked when last we had had sex (which was years ago) then I asked when last had he had sex? well, bit of a deer in the headlights situation! He was flustered but said he hadn’t crossed the line when i brought her up and going on the hike. He swore on his mother’s life he hadn’t! We spoke/argued for a few hours then i took his phone, pc and home phone into my daughters room and said fine, i will ring her tomorrow and ask her!! I eventually went to sleep around 4am and woke at around 11. I went downstairs and he was sitting there and announced he had crossed the line. I suppose he was worried i would call her. Anyway, i was shocked and said i knew it.. and what was he going to do? I was calm, kinda laughing, told him he should think about it as no point throwing away a chance at happiness. Then I kinda just walked off! I was still dizzy with what was going on in my head – how could he? I went upstairs and showered, and then i crumbled. Unbelievable. I couldn’t understand it, why was i crying so much when I thought I had hated him? All we had been saying the past few months was I wish you would find someone new and leave and yet now it happened – what the hell??? Well, if he had done the dirty after he left me it wouldn’t have been as bad – probably still hard to accept – but we would have decided that amicably – but when still married? How had it happened, how long had it been going on? who was she?? Turns out a groupie from many years ago – which seemingly he had kept in contact with but never ever mentioned her to me.. which led me to believe he felt something for her a long time ago. He said the only time they met was this year, nothing planned, it just happened. But first it happened after their hike where they ended up having a kiss, he then went back to his brothers. He didn’t see her again till the Thursday, the day before he left to come home, the day they slept together! She also then picked him up next day and took him to the airport! I am sick to death with the thoughts in my head, i cried and cried, he comforted me – he who caused it all was comforting me and me being so stupid wanted him to. I have gone against everything i believe in.. i always said if my husband cheated he was out the door yet here was me, emotional wreck! Thank god my kids were away at the time! Anyway, he said he was so sorry and i thought he meant it.. but i cried for days when i would come home from work.. i couldn’t tell anyone.. i didn’t want them to know.. i still don’t … it’s very very hard to deal with and i hate myself for me to keep bringing it up but i just cannot get past it. he said he has no more contact with her.. yet after seeing my emotional breakdown i found he sent her a happy birthday message on face book. This was about a month after the discovery. When i went nuts about he couldn’t understand why! He didn’t think he had done anything wrong. I don’t know any more… i just dont know.. i am so sick of the thoughts and images in my head.. as he was so secretive before i just can’t believe he is not in contact with her.. i discovered a couple more lies about when he saw her last year as he had said to me he hadn’t, so did this start then? he says no.. how can i believe him? I don’t understand why he never told me that if we didn’t sort ourselves out he was definitely leaving, even telling me someone was interested.. why did he just do it? After nearly 25 years of being together?? I suppose our relationship has always been strange, unlike most marriages! He would often go away for his music or his interests.. i was often left with the kids. he never ever organised a baby sitter to take me out -i would have to do it if i wanted to go out. I supported all his interests.. even when we moved here i was left on my own for 3 months while he went gigging with the band. He even forgot my birthday which for some is so trivial.. but to me soo important. My husband is not very emotional.. he is pretty much very hard hearted and very self centred yet i know deep down he does have a soft side.. he just rarely shows it. he has always been a good father even though he tormented the kids with his shouting all the time.. but he has never been threatening or anything like that, he just has a short temper.. blows a fuse and then it’s over. He has given us all we ask for if finances allow.. so i can’t fault him there. Problem is i always wanted more loving, he just couldn’t give it.. so when we eventually drifted and then when i found out about the affair… it comes down to being my fault. And as many have said i am the one on egg shells. If i am down he dreads it.. oh no.. here we go again look… but i cant help it and he just can’t understand it. His life hasn’t really been affected.. ok.. so he had to give her up (if he has) but he isn’t left with constant thoughts of images of the two of them. He can’t understand how I can’t wake up and forget about it! He doesn’t seem to make any effort to show he is sorry.. he says he is.. but unless i have a melt down and write a loooong letter – just like i am doing now – sorry guys! – where I am practically begging him to show he loves me and maybe do things out of the blue – he does nothing. Coming to bed seems to be a mission.. i didn’t think i would be able to move on with kissing and sex.. but i did.. but it always feels like he doesn’t want to and has to..and he says it’s down to his age.. i feel so sad i just don’t know what to do any more. I keep wanting to leave but like you guys it is so difficult financially. I was recently made redundant and found a new job but am on a 3 day week. Basically neither of us can leave at the moment so do we go back to sleeping in the same bed and just try be friends? It;’s funny when you are writing because you already know all the answers – we all do – but like Judy I feel so scared to be alone after all these years. we have an 11 year age gap so he is 55 and i am 44 and I just don’t want to waste the next ten years of my life on someone who doesn’t want me. Funny isn’t it, after what he did why do i still want him?? I know deep down I will always love him but can I afford to keep loving him now when it is destroying me! After 4 months you think you should be better, well, i dont cry as much but when i wake up the thoughts are there.. when i go to sleep.. the thoughts are there.. it’s the not knowing,, it;s trying to play it out in your head! It just goes on and on and on! I know it has to get better eventually and maybe it helps with no-one else knowing as I have to put up happy front which does help somewhat! (ok.. i did tell my best friend over here but i kind of regret it although she is supporting my decision and will talk to him when she sees him but i feel so stupid being so weak and i dont like to tell her when i have down days – i just say all is ok) As we live in a smallish town and he works in it – i just can’t tell people as it may also affect his income and we can’t afford that! Oh well girls.. i really have waffled on.. sorry.. Jules.. i am glad i found your sight as I was considering starting one of my own for women or men to rant on as I couldn’t find one out there.. i obviously hadn’t been looking properly! So if you haven’t fallen asleep yet after reading my novel I look forward to your comments!

    • Jewels September 28, 2011, 10:40 PM

      Hello Mitch welcome to the site. I see you really can relate to Judy, who is so wonderful, I hope she responds in a couple of days, it would be nice to hear from her. You articulated your thoughts and feelings so well, what you wrote is the story of thousands of women, so I am glad you took the time to write. It’s funny you mention about writing a long novel, I don’t mind at all, in fact, I encourage it. A big part of my recovery was writing, because when you write, you have to actually think about it before you write it, and to write your feelings is a healing mechanism in itself.

      You are literally in emotional prison after the affair, the amount of diverse emotions going through your head is really unlike any other situation. If someone you love gets hurt, you feel sad for them, you want them to feel better, you want to help them. With this, you feel anger one minute, sad the next, lonely the next, then embarrassed, it is emotional prison and you experience it no matter if you are in soul mate love when you find out, or if you are at each other’ throat when you find out, no matter if it is 2 years into the marriage, or 20, a one month affair, or 10 year affair – the pain is universal and so complicated, so don’t worry that you have not ‘gotten it together’ emotionally after 4 months, it literally took me a year and a half for me to finally get my emotions sorted out, it was a long journey, and I am not 100% there in my recovery, but I am so much happier. The key is to make progress forward however small the increments…

      I see two things going for you – the first is that you are only 44, you know that 40’s are the new 30’s…lol. The second thing is I noticed that you lived most of your life with him following his lead, making sure the home life was stable to support him, sacrificing for his career, and that might of been great to do at the time to support you and your family. But I think the time has come to think about you for a change, what you want to do, what are your interests, passions, goals. If you can’t answer that now, it’s ok, but I think it’s time to explore YOU. Doing this will help you get your mind off all of those emotions, it won’t erase it completely, but it will help.

      Lastly, there was a point in my recovery where I was where you were. I couldn’t get him to understand how those little actions (sending happy birthday), caused me so much pain. It hurt so bad to find out he was still in contact with her, or he wouldn’t tell me anything about her, as if he was protecting her. I tried so hard to explain it, and I never got him to really understand it. I say that because I don’t want you to put a ton of stress on yourself trying to get him to understand how hurt you are, because if you do that, you will be disappointed and what I had to realize it that it is not my job to force him to understand how I feel, either he does or he doesn’t, so I had to let go of trying to force him, it literally started to make me sick. Letting go of trying to make him stop doing what he was doing and letting go of trying to get him to understand was a HUGE part of my journey, and it didn’t happen until about a year after I first found out because I didn’t know any better. I wish you well on your journey…

  • Daisy September 28, 2011, 9:10 AM

    the thoughts keep taunting you. I know the feeling. He texted me last night…forgive me, God is forgiving. Ok, i know humans are not perfect, but a real person with respect and dignity will make every effort to improve. You can just ask for forgivness and then do the samething over again….? Doesn’t work that way. Unfortunately with him ….I gave him several chances. I’ve put with his gambling and now the women. I am emotionally tired and I really don’t see the point anymore. He is a lost cause. We have no kids or really any financial ties. Makes my decision a little bit easier, but still ITS A HARD DECISION to make…i love him. I know that if he comes back our fights will become more intense…why make life more miserable?

    I think this cheating thing goes on alot, almost every relationship endures this…but a lotta of women just don’t talk about it OR even better they never find out. Such losers these men are.

  • Mitch September 30, 2011, 4:14 AM

    Hey Jewels

    Thanks for the words of wisdom! I guess like you said in one of your bloggs.. why does he want to work on the marriage now? I am soooo frustrated.. I can’t get over how when he first kissed her to the day he went further.. there were a couple days in between and for me – time to have backed out but he didn’t as he didn’t want to – obviously – and same as said before.. if I hadn’t discovered the affair would he still be in it? How can he switch off completely – emotionally – to her? You just don’t and I know he must have definitely had deep feelings for her or he would never have gone through with it as he is not a one night stand type person at all. I guess I just can’t come to terms with that and maybe he is saying this to make sure I don’t contact her – protecting her which deep down is what I believe. I wake up with them on my mind.. I go to sleep with them on my mind.. i don’t force it.. its just there and he can’t understand that. I think it really is the not knowing that eats at you! I am normally very happy, funny and lately I just feel so shattered as I keep up the happy when out and about but drop it at home. i do try be happy and there are days I am… but the days I am not are crap. i am so sick of thinking of all this! I know you say it is now time to look at me – problem is I don’t know who me is and i don’t know how to find out. I can’t financially afford to take time off and go discover myself.. I wish I could. I feel like I want to move country but then he says the kids would be devastated. I know they would as we have such a close relationship but I just don’t know what to do.. arrgghhh… sooooo frustrating!!!! Dammit… why wasn’t i born rich & spoilt and have celebrity parents myself then it would just be another day in the life of yawn.. me! Fek fek and fek it!!!! Where’s the genie in the bottle when you bloody need him??

    • Jewels September 30, 2011, 9:59 PM

      Mitch,

      I totally wish I was rich at the time I found out as well. I had two very young kids, financially problems, and a full time job. I wanted time to grieve but didn’t have the time that I wanted so bad. Who does that, doesn’t have time to grieve but it happens all the time in this situation. I didn’t realize how much it helped me at the time, but I demanded my husband watch the kids sometimes so that I could think. I told him I needed some time after work to just breathe before I literally go crazy. You need that time, get that time, make it a priority. I didn’t know who I was as well, but I started to use those couple of hours a week to just listen to my thoughts and sort out the madness (yes the madness) in my head that I could not control, it went from one extreme to the next. I would go driving without the radio on, go walking, and just see what comes up, you would be surprised. I didn’t know who I was at the time, I questioned my spirituality, my thoughts on relationships, people, trust, my parents. I had to start all over again, and did not know what was going to happen. But I got that time, and when I say time to look at ‘you’, if you don’t know who that is, just make time to be still. Not in the house, outside of the house. The house is a reminder of the affair, and that is why when you pull up you don’t feel the same. This is one of the most if not the most complicated situation you will face, the emotions are so all over the place, I can’t find many situations to compare it to – but you would of never had this happen if you did not have the strength to get through it. Take Care!

  • Ella September 30, 2011, 9:00 AM

    Wow – -I’ve read every word from everyone here (yes even the long ones :)). You are all so strong in dealing with your situations. It’s been 6 months since D-Day. I’ve been married for 8 years — husband is divorced with 3 kids. He was unhappily married but didn’t have the courage to leave (he was never really in love with her — thought he couldn’t do any better when he graduated college — so he married young but they had nothing in common, so he was always out with friends, going to games, never home). He did this for 13 years — avoiding everything…. Then he met me. I did not do anything with him until he was divorced — but maybe that should have been my first clue that he couldn’t deal with issues at home. I knew his friends so I thought he was really a good person and I heard there were many issues in their marriage and that he had wanted to leave a long time ago, but could never do it. I’m also divorced from an emotionally unavailable man who I left due to his issues. So – fast forward — we both go into our new marriage emotionally connected and I feel it’s perfect…..until just 3 years into it (2005) I discover phone calls to three different women at odd hours of the day on our phone bill — they were cell phone and home numbers. All are coworkers. One was a neighbor who I didn’t know, but who I waved to every day driving by her house. Told my husband — oh this person seems really nice – -turns out she is one of the women he was calling and he didn’t even tell me he knew her. Lies upon lies — sooo he apologizes, lets me check phone, etc (didn’t have blackberries back then) — so I couldn’t check work email. At that time I believed he just needed to vent about work and was embarrassed to tell me how inadequate he feels at work (despite being a corporate executive) — has low self-esteem and feels like he is living a lie at work and will be “found out” that he really knows nothing (no self-confidence — from a small town but did make it). He was also a failure with his kids. Both parents were not there for them emotionally and never set any real expectations — so needless to say only 1 out of 3 graduated from college and none of them have done much now and are dependent on us. I think that maybe he married me thinking I was the savior to his life and his failures. That somehow I could fix his kids — they were too old at that point and that would be too much for me. I was more of an advisor/friend to them, but chose to respect his first wife with the “mother” role. I think he wanted me to take this over. This past Feb/March I noticed strange behavior — losing weight, money coming out of his checking account (cash) and an increased interest in sex. I actually asked him if there was someone else – he said no — he was a mess that month — promoted to a different job in his company and now even more convinced he was out of his league and living a lie. I encouraged him to take the job to get out from an oppressive boss — I think he blamed me for that (but now is thankful he did it). Also one of my stepsons moved in with us (24 years old) and was still leaving wet towels on the floor, on the lazy side, never cleaning up in the kitchen, just content working a minimum wage job with a college degree. I just asked my husband to talk to him about it and he took it so personally — like I hated his son. If he were my biological son, it would have been worse :). So I had to make him the bad guy in talking to him. I was the one who helped him figure out a budget so he could get an apartment, I talked to him about a career — life things. My husband still continued his non-involved ways, so I was getting a little resentful. My husband was glad to have him home — and I liked having him around, but it really put a wedge between us as he wasn’t concerned about being a “DAD” – just a friend. Our intimacy continued to be non-existent (for over a year) — until he started the major affair. She is married with a 9 year old son and was working on a project with him at his work. He had been coming home late on Friday nights and that was a red flag. Not super late — but late enough and the reasons weren’t anything I would believe. Then one night he was really late and never emailed me or called me. To my horror I called his Blackberry and he must have hit the answer button by mistake not wanting to though. The phone was on but he didn’t know — i heard 45 minutes of him out with another married woman (a different woman) drinking champagne for his new job. SHE organized this for him and her. What’s up with married women now too? Anyway — my stepson and I both heard the conversation — my H said how bored he was at home and how he thought that I thought he was an a#%. They kissed at the car and then my stepson called him and busted him. He came home devasted. (He was really, really drunk.) From there I asked to see his Blackberry and that is where I found out about the major affair with the other married co-worker. This one had the I L Y texts and all of the details about him and her leaving early from work so he could drive 15 miles out of the way to take her to her parking lot where she got the bus. They would kiss at work, meet for lunch, coffee, stop for drinks after the ride to her car, etc. And this is a man with a high job at a big company — did he not even think about the professional ramifications either? I saw every email and text. They did not have sex, but she was pushing for it — said things like — ‘we really need to plan an overnight’ — my friend really wants me to go to Boston with her — so we should do that. His emails back didn’t pursue it, but I think it would have happened. This was from late January to mid-March. THEN — found texts to two of the original women from 2005 that he said he had stopped contact with — sort of suggestive in nature. (One is that neighbor – -who is the wife of a pilot who is never home and the other is a former co-worker who is lonely and desperate) I called the husband of the major affair woman — not sure if that was the right thing to do, but I wanted the truth out there. Now my husband is devasted and humilated that I have found out all of his sick issues. How can so many things be going on at the same time with different people? Maybe he can’t love anyone and he can’t say no to women who are open to pursuing him. They all have to have issues to even want to be involved with him. He is in counseling. He says he always looked up to me and was living a lie trying to impress me. These people were outlets — all were unhappy and vulnerable — so he took advantage of them too. He wrote a letter to the major affair woman ending it and she is supposedly gone from the company now (she was with a consulting firm). He did show it to me and I could tell that it happened because of some other texts he thought I didn’t see. He is desperately trying to salvage our marriage and rebuild it. Has been an open book, comes home early, takes me on his business trips, calls me constantly and even told his own sister what he did and that he can’t believe he would do something like this — he wasn’t raised this way — but that he felt like a country boy in a corporate world living a false life — no self-confidence and failed his kids. I think that is a major contributor. I was a little more pushy with my stepson to get him moving. When the fight about the affair started, my stepson overheard and actually told my husband that I was more of a mother to him than either my husband or his own mother. Yikes. So I’m tired and humiliated. I can’t even tell my friends about all of these transgressions. Do I even think of giving this a shot? I would be ok financially if I divorce –although I left my well-paying job in May to try to get a hold of myself. He wanted me to relax so we could heal. I was a stressed person at home being in a high pressure job, so I know I wasn’t always “happy”. And we didn’t communicate at all. He has done everything right for the last six months — but there are soooo many triggers and so much baggage and I can never trust him again. Can someone like this ever change even after counseling? I tell him he has a good side and a bad side — it’s like there are two different people. He said the horrible person is dead now and he is focused on being the good person he knows he is deep down. I’m so tired of living like this and have more self-pride to live with an emotional “abuser”….that’s how I look at it….but the alternative scares me to death. I am late 40s and have no children of my own, so I would be VERY alone. Help. I wish I could see a year into the future to know how everything will turn out. How long does this process take? I’m not myself and want to feel true JOY. I need to be happy so badly as I’m a positive person by nature and am with a negative person. I do still love him and want to help him, but don’t want to be an idiot or a fool. Am I sick?

    • Jewels September 30, 2011, 10:25 PM

      Hello Ella,

      Welcome to the site, you are not sick at all, what you went through is literally traumatizing. Seeing all of those texts, traumatizing, the different women, traumatizing, hearing him talk to another woman for 45 minutes, traumatizing. You mind has been filled with things that are so painful and difficult to get over, so do not feel bad that you are still dealing with a roller coaster of emotions. Remember there are 3 recoveries that take place in every affair. The recovery of the marriage (should you stay/leave), the recovery of the husband (can he stop and act right), and your recovery (from the mental trauma). I get the feeling from the email that you are really working on the marriage part, and your husband is trying on his part, but I did not see much action on your part. The fact that he is being an open book, very good sign, the fact that you are not experiencing joy, not so good. I almost get the feeling that the work and dealing with this is literally draining you, and that the marriage can not survive that way. If you can afford to get counseling on your own, that might help. I think you need to have more confidence so that if you do leave, you will not have the fear of being alone. And in my opinion, the best way to do that is to take some time out of your schedule to get to know yourself, get to understand what your interests are, your passions are. Find something that can help get your mind off of the cheating all the time, it will help you and the marriage. And I think you will get to a state where you will realize there is a huge different from being alone to being lonely. Being alone at certain periods in your life can be amazing. Just because you are in your late 40’s with no kids doesn’t mean that you can not live a wonderful life, single or married. And no matter if you stay or leave, it is of utter importance that you start carving out that time to explore yourself because at the end of the day, you can not force him not to cheat. You can give him the tools, you can support him, and either he is going to change or not. It’s not your job to do it or be stressed wondering. And the universe will tell you the answer without you having to focus on it, trust me. You don’t feel true JOY because you are too focused on everything else but yourself, and that is not how we are made. And I know your husband has self esteem issues ect. But remember it is not your job to pull him and make him see how wonderful he is. You job is to support him and be there, but not to convince him he is great – the only person that can do that is him. He has got to realize it on your own. And in my opinion, the best thing you can do is continue to be great, continue to be happy, and show him by example how to live life. If he follows your lead, great. If not, that is fine as well, as that is his own journey and you have to be ok with the fact that the timing of his journey might not match up to your own. I hurt for my husband, I cried for him, I wanted him to know how much I wanted him to be a better man. But in doing so, it dragged me down into a sad and depressed state, because my body was not made to take on the burden of someone else’s problems and my own, it’s too much. Once I let go of that, and told myself that I am going to let go of the need to control and know, I will start to focus on myself and my desires, as well as giving the marriage a chance to survive, and I trust life will direct me in the path that is right for me. And that is exactly what happened. I wish you well.

  • Daisy September 30, 2011, 4:30 PM

    “emotional abuser”….yup that’s what these men are. Its interesting how he was trying to seek acceptance in all the wrong places…the real issue was himself and other things…but he probably discussed with the counselor only. I feel like asking these men…WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT? IS THERE NO SHAME WITH THESE MEN? It just angers me, that they play with other people’s emotions, future and happiness….. FOR THE SAKE OF WHAT…a stupid fling with a stupid woman. I mean people make mistakes, but then there are mistakes that you just can’t redeem yourself….i mean what about his own self respect and image??

    ELLA…. you’re not sick!! What can you do to help him? He has to help himself. That’s what i learned from my situation. How can you help him from cheating?….you can be there all the time to watch and be the voice of reason…? I tried that …I almost went insane. Its hard, and he is trying to make up for it…but the trust has been compromised. What a way to get caught…truth always comes out in the worse possible way.

    Take care of yourself, please! You are number one…should stay that way.

  • Ella October 1, 2011, 5:50 AM

    Daisy, Mitch and Jewels,
    Your responses brought tears to my eyes. I am to be able to release what really happened to me to people who can relate. I have not even told my best friend or family due to the utter devastation it would cause. I do need to focus on myself. I think not working is not a good thing. I had a stressful job, yes, but I think I need some other purpose to help me feel good. I need to help others and get out the house and do something for ME. You are exactly right. I did see a counselor, but haven’t been to her in over a month, so I’m due. She knows my husband and her professional opinion was that he is a lost soul — not an evil person — but who really needs help. But yes — I will trust the universe as you suggest — it worked for me before in my first marriage — I just knew one day — and I need to let go and just live. Thank you all so much. I know everyone has their own version of this horrible pain. It is something you can’t ever imagine. You would see it on TV or hear about it — but until you go through it, no one can even understand. I have new found empathy towards anyone going through something like this. I will be checking back to see how we are all doing!

  • Judy October 1, 2011, 8:23 AM

    Hello everyone:

    Yes, Mitch, unfortunately I still need websites like this, I haven’t written because there is not much to say — a year and a half and the pain and sadness is still with me. The only thing that has made it bearable is I have gone on Paxil. I fought the idea for over a year, but my daughters have encouraged me to do so, as I was becoming a basket case — the sadness was getting worse and I would have days of having the worst crying “jags” and inconsolable weeping (I think the Paxil was more for their sanity with me than mine – lol). It was the best thing I did — I am not saying it is for everyone, but for me it has worked to allow me to not focus non stop on the affair. I am not a proponent of drug therapy, as I felt it made me a “weak” person to have to turn to this method of coping, but I was so distraught about the affair and it was becoming worse not better as time went on.

    I am still married, I don’t wear a wedding ring any longer, as I don’t feel married to my husband — my whole world changed the day I discovered his affair. I now have a new world, filled with distrust, insecurity, and loneliness. Friends, family do not understand what this does to a person, and therefore, I have no one to talk about this with. My husband is trying to gain my trust, gain my respect and my love back, but our relationship is different and will always be, even if we make it thru this nightmare.

    I am sorry to not be able to give more encouraging information to all of you, but find whatever will work for each of you to navigate through this purgatory – because for me it still is being in purgatory, in a limbo of what I will finally decide to do…stay and try to move on with this new marriage or leave and move on with my own life.

    Jewels — thanks for this site, I forgot how much it helps to share – how cathartic it can be — everyone I wish you a better day than yesterday was for you.

  • Susan October 1, 2011, 1:10 PM

    Hello everyone,
    Judy it is so good to hear from you! I realize that sounds crazy under the circumstances but I hope you realize what I mean. Hi Jewels, Mitch and Ella as well.
    I too still need this site and have been reading all the new posts as they come in but haven’t responded either. I am still married and living with my husband and still feeling traumatized, depressed and overwhelmed. I’ve been in counseling weekly and working on my PTSD symptoms as well as processing thru what I see for myself and my future. It makes me furious to know that my husband and the OW caused my PTSD to be reactivated and become so disabling for me. My therapist says that she believes that by her attacking me and sending me those horrible emails it created this PTSD. I remain haunted by flashbacks, triggers, intrusive thoughts and feelings of despair. I will be seeing a new Psychiatrist in two weeks that specializes in trauma and hope she can get me on right meds to relieve some of these symptoms.
    My husband came to a few of my sessions as my counselor wanted to get a read on him and hoped to educate him on the reality of how traumatic this is for me and how is lying about it for so long has harmed me even further. He says he gets it and then once again becomes intolerant of my emotional state. I literally almost ran into the OW and her friend that helped cover for them with me and OW’s husband last Friday at shopping center down the street. I was overcome with fear, anxiety and pain for days afterwards. My PTSD tells my brain it is still happening in real time and makes the pain so intense.
    Judy it’s sad that we are still so similar in our experiences however it is good to hear from you, when the new posts come into my email I think of you and hoped that you were doing well. I hope you stay in touch. I have been reluctant to post because my low self esteem tells me I should be in a better place by now and I’m just not. In regards to taking meds please dont beat yourself up about that. You have experienced real trauma and your brain chemistry has been effected by that. Think of the paxil as vitamins for your brain. It is a strength to do what is right for you and your well being and you are so far from weak. I agree It does feel cathartic to share and
    I will continue too. Jewels thanks again for all you do, your courage and strength are inspirational.
    I’m thinking of all of you and once again grateful to all of you and saddened that something so tragic and life altering has brought us together.
    Warmly,
    Susan

  • Daisy October 1, 2011, 2:08 PM

    Ella you’re such a good person, loving wife. You are a good wife….my definition of wife is someone that shows day in and day out unconditional LOVE. Never think this is your fault and that some how you failed by not changing him. These men can not commit themselves to anyone because they can not respect themselves….they’re not even thinking about the kinda diseases out there. My soon to be ex….I married him because I saw some potential and good…but I just couldn’t make him see that what he was doing with the gambling, drinking and women were wrong. He is on the wrong path literally, destroying everything.

    Looking back, the one good and blessed thing that happen…was I became more religious…and prayed for strength, happiness, health…I found a profound appreciation for my life….I am blessed. I have my family and friends….I am learning more about my religion and HOPE.

    Look to your family and friends…they are a blessing and they will help you heal. Religion for me was the number one thing that gave me HOPE and STRENGTH. You can’t hold this in. I came to this site because I was trying to make sense of this hurt and confusion. THE ONE THING that stood out was that… you can’t control them and you can only control yourself. The insight on this site and the advice from JEWELS is so valuable.

    Your just tired and exhausted. I’VE MET MY limit and I chose to get out of the storm. Fight for your happiness….the rest will fall into place.

    Stay strong and firm in what you want in life…. 🙂 The rest will fall into place.

  • Daisy October 1, 2011, 2:28 PM

    Ella, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you tear up. I’m just angry..that so many of us are suffering.

  • Mitch October 1, 2011, 7:43 PM

    Hi Guys

    Judy, thanks so much for writing.. I am so glad to hear from you! In one way I am glad to hear you are still not recovered so i don’t think I am insane. It’s just that I don’t think we can ever recover from this. It’s like when the judge says to the jury – disregard that comment – how can you – if you heard it you can’t but help it when considering decisions!! As for the happy tabs – well my dear – good for you!! You know – far too much stigma attached to the ol happy tabs -but they are medicine and designed to help so if they help – why not????? It’s good taking them.. it means you are helping yourself – how can that be wrong!!!! It is also funny how we don’t share this information with others – i think in my case because i don’t want people saying things behind my back like “stupid fool” just as I would have said in exactly the same situation. Funny how you think when it’s your own situation! I suppose it i knew it was over or I had left I wouldn’t mind but I kinda think besides people calling me stoopid they would also think i am sad – like – who stays with a man that has an affair??? I guess we all know the world you are living in filled with deceit and lies and no matter how much he says he wants to make it better you just don’t believe it. I am still always looking for clues and even though he says no contact i just can’t believe it.. same as she wanted him for soooo long, why would she give up so easy?? I suppose it’s different as well because they are in two different countries and not easy to see each other at all.. i can check his phone but as it’s a blackberry – i suppose same as any other phone,, all you do is delete the sent message! As jewels suggested – get outside the house and do things but you know i just can’t as even when i do the thoughts are always there. I go for a walk most days, put the earphones in and turn up the volume but no matter what bloody song you listen to you think somehow it’s about you and yours!! arghh!!! i go for a walk on the beach, no music, uh oh… just as bad! Blinking hell…. you open your eyes and thoughts are there.. you close your eyes and thoughts are there……. oi….. beam me up scotty – pleeeeeeze!!!! I had a melt down the other night – again – to his annoyance.. and you would think that after all that the next night he would be sensitive.. try do something out of the norm.. just to show how sorry he is to see you so upset the night before.. but noooo… this in turn frustrates me more! I cannot understand how he doesn’t think like i do.. like “normal” people do! How many times can you be asking and asking and when we do have a blow up he’s like i don’t know what to do to make it up to you – well – firstly i would think all he has to do is actually think! Not that hard – surely! I dont know.. i just think that it probably will not work out.. like Jewels said.. why the reluctance to end it with her straight away – with my husband he said he would call when he was ready – when i told him to take her off face book he nearly had a canary – tell tale signs he still had her feelings to consider. I suppose being realistic – yes he had to.. not like he was going to snap his fingers and puff all memory of her erased.. even I am not that stupid to think that! Problem is though i don’t think it will ever be erased from his memory either and that’s what’s going to kill us… me never believing she is out of the picture! You know Judy – you are not alone like the rest of us… we are all in this together – some have bigger burdens than ours.. one day at a time… uh oh.. only 365 in a year and am only 44 so fek… that’s thousands of days still to go !! Funny how talking about it doesn’t help.. .. you would think it does… ah well….

  • Ella October 3, 2011, 6:49 AM

    Emotional roller coaster — I’ll say. So has anyone felt this? On the weekends/evenings when you are together and “working on the relationship” — it feels like it all never happened/like it always has and everything is good. They act loving, caring, etc. And then when you aren’t together, the flood of pain comes back and you start thinking about the torture all over again? How could he be this way with me but do this other horrible stuff on the side? It’s the ultimate flip flop. Can’t figure out what I’m feeling. Do I want this to work or not? Some days I do — but am I living a lie to think that he has changed — or is he just this type of person deep down. Or – – do I really think he has woken up and is scared about pathetic and fake his life has been (at least that’s how he describes it) and how he will do anything to be a good person. I don’t know. Daisy said it — do these men have no shame — they put it all on the line…..job, reputation, money, homelife, kids, etc. For what??? So do you try to forgive (don’t like that word in affair situations) — but at what price….. and so another day will come and go and I’m hoping some progress. I did join a gym over the weekend and have several outings planned with my girlfriends — Me-Time! Thank you Jewels for reminding me to do this. I used to take care of ME all the time (when I was single — that’s when men were all interested in me — when I had my own thing going on)– and then I got sucked into my H’s drama and family issues that I can’t even begin to help. And now I don’t want to. I’m releasing it all! So we’ll see what happens. The kicker is that while we were dating, I did break up with him once because of his negativity and his issues with his own children that he refused to deal with. Sometimes I don’t think that he truly is capable of loving his own kids. He says he does, but his actions don’t say it. Yes, he provides (or is that his way of showing it) — but does nothing to help them emotionally or to talk/advise them. And he’s too concerned about watching football on the weekends to miss a game to spend time with his grandson (his daughter has a 7-year old son)…yet he complains that he never sees him. Kind of like a martyr. (So -this was just in the last month — his daughter got into trouble because her car inspection sticker expired — pulled over, etc. Turns out she didn’t send in her registration either. Major trouble. So what did he do? He talked to her initially, but afterwards, he didn’t follow up — and when I asked him — he TEXTED her to see what the deal was and then when I asked him what was going on after several days — he said — I don’t know — she didn’t reply. He’s done this with all of the kids. Just avoids dealing with everything. Immature? Selfish? Socially inept? is this all men? I know his Dad is the exact same way. I had taken some me time, dated other men — but was still in love with him. And then we married. Sick huh? Some days I want to make it work (they say people fall in love because our needs are met — then why would we stay when our needs — fidelity/being cherished, etc — aren’t and weren’t being met – actually we thought they were, but it was deceit?) Some days I feel like going out there and starting a new adventure and getting away from the toxic nature of this. I left my first husband due to that. I couldn’t bear the burden. And I was fine — had some fun. But then I think got into another bad situation. I guess I need to figure what else is going on with me and why I attract people like this? Anyone feel like this? Does anyone know any men who have done this and have any insight from them on how their brain works? I guess I question if they really do love us and something has gone wrong with their wiring. Or did they really only feel like we were meeting their needs at the time and then when times got tough, they needed some other fix — no true feeling. And then the big question — has anyone met or been tempted by any other man outside your own marriage since your D-day? I just wonder if it could happen and how you would feel about it.

    • Jewels October 3, 2011, 11:32 PM

      Hello Everyone!!

      I am sooo happy to see all of the updates from everyone….where do I begin!!

      Judy – I am so glad to hear from you, when Mitch reached out, I wondered if you were going to respond and I think it meant alot to Mitch and myself that you took the time out to respond, it made my day. I know you feel that you should be further along, but your journey is your journey, and you have nothing to be ashamed of, absolutely nothing, matter of fact, I applaud you because I really feel that you are the voice of most women in this situation, and people read your story and the other stories on this post and say ‘oh my gosh, I am not the only one’. You have no idea how empowering that is for others. Continue to know the wonderful power within you, no matter what anyone else tells you, it’s there. And I like Mitch’s term happy tab’s!! I use to go to the vitamin store looking for relaxation pills and distressing pills because I just wanted to feel calm and I couldn’t. I stopped after a couple of bad reactions but Judy again nothing to be ashamed of. There are many women that turn to alcoholism or illegal drugs so you are just fine. Glad to hear from you.

      Susan!! Good to hear from you as well. The thing that I love about you is your fight. You refuse to give in and constantly search for understanding and the wisdom to heal your pain, and that is wonderful, because some women are so down and out, that reaching for the knowledge that you are reaching for is not even a concept, so good for you for putting the effort into yourself. You may not see progress now, but keep pushing for it, one day you are going to wake up, and all that time spent trying to understand yourself and get the help you need is going to payoff big time, and I can not wait to hear it when it does! No rush, it will come when it is time.

      Ella, You are not crazy in your thoughts, the ‘decision stage (should I stay or leave) is the most difficult part of recovery, because your mind is literally like a ping pong match, it is very trying on you emotionally. But II think you are onto something very great when you said in your previous post that you need some other purpose in helping others and doing something for you. I am writing a book about my journey and it has been very hard for me because or writers block and me not being satisfied with what I have, I keep feeling something is missing, and until I figure it out, I can not move forward. Well the past two weeks I uncovered a huge milestone (And in the past 3 months I have made good progress, to the point where I am getting excited with what I have and how it can help, which is where I need to be). Anyways, I finally realized a major part that is missing in the book is how much creating this site has aided me in my journey. Because it gave me a purpose bigger than my own life, my cheating husband, ect, it literally gave me focus and redirection of thoughts, and I realize that is what is missing from the book, purpose and how that can change your life in the midst of a storm. I had no clue at the time how much the site and every single woman that has posted would help me. And for you it doesn’t have to be a site like this, it could be volunteering to help kids with homework after school, as long as you are passionate about it, it will do wonders for your recovery, as it has for me. So keep focusing on what you wrote, there is more wisdom in it than you think.

      Mitch, You talk about the embarrassment factor from the affair, which was HUGE for me. It actually was one of the last parts of my recovery, as of a couple of months ago from the standpoint of telling co-workers and acquaintances. Every telling family and close friends was a difficult part of my affair recovery, people can be so mean, and sometimes I get the feeling certain people want you to fail, it’s strange, and I felt like if they knew, they would win. I know it sounds crazy but that is how I felt. Part of why we feel that way is because no one is talking about it, it’s like the silent epidemic. I know because once I let go and started being more open about my husband’s cheating and even the site, everyone had a story. It might of been their brother, mom, best friend, co-worker. Everyone had a cheating story. So I thought, oh my gosh, I literally thought I was the only one in the office, the only one in my family, the only one out of my friends, when in actuality, I was the only one that spoke, but many had experienced. And yes did I feel like people were looking at me funny after I stated that he cheated but was still living with him a year later, yes. But I realize I can not even start to explain to them how incredibly difficult that decision is, and it is not worth my time explaining they will never know. So I understand how you feel, and know that you can use this site anytime until you feel comfortable talking to others.

      Daisy, I am thankful for the encouragement that you give others on the site, many women on the site haven’t told family and friends for various reasons and this is the only place they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts, so it is nice to know you have taken the time to respond to so many comments and give encouragement through your story. Yes, it is sad that so many men are like this, but eventually I had to let that thought go, because if I didn’t, he won into turning me into the angry bitter woman, and I refused to let him to that to me. Now don’t get me wrong, I played that role quite well for some time, but I did it so much it took a toll on my health, almost as if I wanted him to know I was mad, bitter and upset. At the same time, I was trying to chance him and force him to see my ways. I got so stressed out I literally got sick, and that is when I had to let go of that anger, it wasn’t worth my health, and looking back I think it impacted me so much because it really was not who I am at my core. I was trying so hard to make him realize how hurtful this had been, and when he didn’t understand that, it was devastating, so I had to realize that I don’t have to prove anything to him, and that helped me turn things around. Anyways, I digress, but thanks again for all of your comments!!

  • Mitch October 4, 2011, 4:02 AM

    Morning Guys

    Firstly Jewels,, I am glad that maybe all these new updates are unblocking the writers block.. go woman…and it is brillo to get that feeling of achievement at the end of it! Good for you. I wish I could write a book as I am sure you can tell I tend to write short stories every time I start writing – even with emails.. the poor recipients probably fall asleep half way through them!!
    Ella.. well.. emotional roller coaster .. aah yes.. i do believe I am not permanently strapped into one! Like you say.. you are together and all is well.. then in my case it doesn’t even have to be apart.. just something said or a thought pops into your head and bitch from hell – my other me – takes over!! Arrrgghhh.. sooooo annoying! Like, you’re not willing it to happen but of course you can see in on his face.. oh no.. here we go again!! Well, it just can’t be helped and he just doesn’t get it. Does he or they actually think we enjoy wallowing in this self pity state??? Like what the hell?? yes, there are many people out there who love wallowing but I am not one of them.. I am one of those .. only you can help yourself.. in sickness and health.. so just get on with it.. so to be in this stupid confused state is more than mentally draining!! In one way I am lucky.. i only have one woman to deal with..( i think) so how any of you cope with more i do not know – secondly – she is not a psycho bitch banging down our door – bit hard to do when thousands of miles apart but hey – it could have happened and these are questions i ask him.. did he not consider that this could have happened? I guess for me the worst is just not knowing and that’s what keeps coming up in my head – picturing what happened over the time he spent at her place! He can say he put her out his mind and just moved on..but me being human – strangely – i know it the tables were turned could i switch him off? I highly doubt it.. you don’t have a relationship with someone that long and then never think of them again or contact them.. I just cannot believe that, I know he will also give me answers he thinks I want to hear but that makes it worse.. I would rather hear the truth than constantly keep thinking he is lying to me.! I also mentioned before that writing all this down doesn’t help but of course it does… it’s getting out of your body but what i meant is it won’t give me the answers I am looking for. What I hate most is that it is like ground hog day.. how many times do we say these things over and over again?? Will i still be writing the same stuff a year later??? My H says he is sorry – yea yea – but how do you believe them? So you try carry on like normal but it always seems like an act to me.. I feel if we do kiss it’s with restraint and if someone was really into you it may start small but become passionate.. not saying leading to sex.. just talking about kissing… but it doesn’t so what do you think then.. he’s not interested.. he’s only doing this to keep his life together as now he knows what trauma it did cause and how much upset it will cause with the kids.. but why bother.. coz then I am back to my insecurities – which never left in the first place. It is hard enough trying to be intimate in any form but I try only to be let down by thoughts of he is not wanting this.. as any other man who fancied you would be kissing you madly – just like we did when we first got married. I think as one site had said – you go through the honeymoon stage – i did – all i wanted to do was be loved and hugged but stupidly it is me who is doing it all when it should be the other way around.. why am i playing the person trying to make it better.. coz I think it was all my fault?? No, I am not that stupid.. we got into a bad place because of both of us but where I needed more from our relationship – emotionally – he couldn’t give it – hence it just built up more and more conflict in everything we did till we hated each other.. yet we stayed together so there is no excuse for what he did.. he should have left before he slept with her.. he didn’t.. and forever and ever these stupid thoughts will be in my head! I hate him.. i love him.. i hate him… i love him… aaarrrrggghhhhhh…… I wish i could bloody beat him up!!!!!!!!!! (I probably could too)!!!!! Oh crap.. I waffled on and on again.. sorry.. Ok… to end off today all I want to say it that I am only looking for sincerity… kiss me and let me feel you really want to.. don’t always make a joke just to make it feel less uncomfortable… dammit.. make it like it is in the bloody movies… how come they always have a happy ending???? Oh and Ella.. i did have an offer of dinner with some hunky fella also here on business I met through work a while back but i said no.. maybe I wanted to but then would I not be as low as my husband.. tit for tat…. I would be no better than him so would it be worth it? I didn’t think so… those thoughts could change though as time goes by – whoo knows! (ps. I didnt see Susan’s update but good to know you still here even though somehow that doesn’t sound right does it???)

  • susan October 4, 2011, 2:08 PM

    Hi jewels it doesn’t seem that my last post actually posted. I’m seeing it but my name is in red and if I click on it it takes me back to blog? I’m a spazz with this stuff!! Would u post it and Please tell me what I’m doing wrong. I really want Judy to see it. I was so relieved that we heard from her. Thanks!

    • Jewels October 4, 2011, 4:15 PM

      Thanks for the heads up, you posted correctly it is fixed now so everyone should see each other’s updates, I guess the default for the website was 100 comments so I just extended it. I am so glad you and Ella let me know, because I will be offline from Wed-Sunday so if you don’t see responses from me in a couple of days, that is why. I am taking a trip with girlfriends, first out of town trip of this kind and this is a huge milestone for me as I use to always have excuses not to do something fun for myself! Take care, I will be thinking of everyone!!!

  • Daisy October 4, 2011, 4:58 PM

    Ella…its interesting how you asked why you keep tracking these kinds of men. I was thinking about the same thing in my case. All the men that I have known….really really really really show interest and there’s so much attraction….then they lose interest. I’m not really a controlling person..I’m simple, hardworking and on top of my game. I am defiantly not high maintenance…but I am nice by nature.

    These kinds of men like to take advantage of nice women. You ever wonder why the mean girls have well behaved boys?

    I dunno, I guess with each experience you have to reflect and see a pattern in the men. I’ve learned giving and taking should be 50/50. No guy is worth more that ratio. Has to go both ways, or else you will be like me ….major resentment.

    thanks Jewels! You right, I think the one major thing I am dealing with right now is the resentment. We talked yesterday. I’m so tired of it….blah blah blah…yada yada yada….please go away…just dragging this whole process.

  • Ella October 4, 2011, 5:59 PM

    Oh — so glad this was fixed so I can see all of the posts — thank you Jewels. Everyone here makes such great points – – I can relate to all of you. I had that 50/50 day again. I think I read something on this sight about using music and dancing! I was on YouTube today playing songs from “back in the day” — you know – we all have “the day” — regardless of how old we each are…..back when life was a blast and we were feeling great about ourselves. I relived my high school/college and first job days to the hilt with the music today — played everything and sang at the top of my lungs. I was on my A game again Daisy – and after I listened to all of that — I thought — my cheating husband isn’t going to rob me of that –ever! Daisy you are right. This type of man pursues and pursues and then when they get you I think maybe they get bored – the thrill is gone. I noticed my current H was pursuing the O married W the EXACT same way he did with me. Scary actually. I am not high maintenance either! But I did do everything to please the selfish boy while he played the martyr act at work and with his family. I am going back to my old self — yes Jewels — the one who, like you, will make plans for ME –to see old friends (yes — women and men) and invite them to our tailgate this weekend at a football game. Won’t my husband be surprised — I’ve never really talked that much about “the day” — but my friends were great then. We had another major fight on Thursday night — I was in my rage mode again after seeing a trigger. Oh how I hate those moments. Threw a pizza box on the floor. Told him where I stand –that some days I don’t know if I want to continue. He turned white and then said he is not giving up what he is doing. And so it goes….. BUT — I feel like the music is my strength. Funny that my husband and I have different taste in music and he was listening to some with the OW while he would drive her to her car after work. Couldn’t even listen to the radio and the songs — she let him borrow the Lady Antebellum CD — now I can’t even hear a song and get sick. And I like them. But now I can’t even listen — that makes me sick that it has THAT much power over me. So some days I feel like I turned the corner. But others — you all know– are grim. The reality that the marriage is now scarred and the fact that I can’t say “wow — I have such a great husband” — at least on this level — are such huge blows. What kills is when people say — oh you have such a great husband — and I want to spit on the ground. And Mitch said it in an earlier post — why are we the ones who have to make an effort for them. It’s so infuritating and insulting actually. My husband still is doing all the right things — but how do I really know — maybe he’ll just be smarter the next time around. If there is a next time — maybe he won’t do anything — or maybe I won’t be around for a next time. Until next week — go listen to your songs….. I was listening to all kinds of songs — UPBEAT songs from wayyyyy back — Wow did they all bring back great memories….of when I felt good. Go do it — it works wonders! It has helped me with my confidence at least today. Everyone have a great weekend.

  • Mitch October 10, 2011, 4:07 AM

    Hi Guys

    Jewels.. i hope you had a blast on your hols and no doubt will tell us all about it! Ella.. good for you and positive thinking and dancing.. yup.. it’s always great to have good music to enhance your mood – i love all sorts of music but when i go for my walk around the block (3miles) I make sure it’s good upbeat dancy music as no point 2walking and listening to frikken love songs or songs about how he did this to me bla bla bla what we need is Gloria Gaynor.. yupp.. go one now go.. walk out the door.. just turn around now coz you’re not welcome anymore…. rock on missy! Funny though every day is still a huge challenge and your mind plays it’s own little play every day and the question is do i stay or do i go? You know financially not really viable unless i get another job in another country or perhaps another city.. or do i just stay and distance myself so as not to be hurt every time i feel let down because i am expecting so much.. and by so much i mean sincere hugs.. sincere kisses.. and then i wonder how sick am i to even be wanting this when i should be repulsed by the mere thoughts?? aarrrggghhhh.. the mind is a wonderful thing yet on the flip side it’s a bloody pain in the ass!!!!!! Pity we can’t get selective alzheimers!!!!!!!!! Ok,.. enough said for today! Enjoy girls! Oh jewels.. i sent him the link for the book which he did read, he even read stuff on this site but to say he would have taken more time reading the ingredients on a cadbury’s chocolate wrapper would be an understatement..

    • Jewels October 11, 2011, 10:34 PM

      Hello Mitch/Ella,

      Yes I had a great time, thanks for asking, I went to Jamaica, and had a blast. I relaxed and danced and ate good food with 6 other lovely women!! Ella made such a great point about dancing. The amount of satisfaction I get when playing some youtube videos and dancing to the music is incredible. I do it alone in my house sometimes which is great because no one is judging you, your free to move however you want, sing as loud as you want, and express yourself in a way in which feels good to you, it’s truly one of life’s great pleasure’s so I am glad Ella brought it up. I actually did a little rock right now in my desk to Gloria Gaynor. Maybe next time I see someone write a comment I should not write anything back, just send the you tube to Gloria Gaynor’s I will survive and say DANCE! Your last sentence about your husband made me laugh, men. On a more serious note, the stage of “Should I stay or leave, be affectionate or stand off” is a very difficult stage. There will be a ton of bricks lifted off of your shoulder when you actually make a firm decision to stay or leave and put action behind it. This stage for some women is the longest stage, it’s a tough choice to make. But just know once you make a decision and stick with it, some of the stress will go away, because then you can focus on moving forward, right now it’s hard because your brain is thinking about so many different directions. Take Care.

  • Dawn October 11, 2011, 2:02 AM

    Thank you for this website. The last month has been hell for me after discovering my husband has had multiple affairs & one night stands in the past year. We have been married 16 1/2 years, 4 kids who are being effected by this. I wantedto point out that the comments on here really helped. I totally get the one about this being worse than rape, I was raped in college, this us worse. Sitting in the doctor’s office crying & trying to explain why I needed testing was so upsetting and humiliating for me. Then last weekend I finally figured it out, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball, cry, and eat. (I’ve gained 10 pounds in the last month.) Then I realized, the last time that happened was when our first daughter died a day after she was born. I was put on bedrest and anti depressants. This was during our first year of marriage. He actually had the nerve to tell me that he thought we could work through anything. He brought these people into our lives via the Internet, into our house, and our bed. He refuses to leave & I can’t hire a lawyer for a contested divorce. Anyway, I realized that this was making me sick, it was like a huge part of me died. I hate him for this, I can’t stand to look at him. It hurts because I know I must have him around for the kids. I am getting a divorce, he agreed to an uncontested one. I am lucky that my Teacher’s union perks actually cover uncontested divorce. However, in my state it takes over 3 months to finalize if you have kids, after you file. I’ve been going through all the paperwork & I just cry. Then I have to deal with becoming the Internet/computer keeper in the house, he turned over everything. I just don’t want to be the keeper anymore. The worst part is, we were separated last fall and he begged to come back. We were separated because he lost his temper and hit our oldest son, I moved out. After months of therapy & talking him out of suicide, I find out he initiated all these affairs. He said horrible stuff about me to them & know says he just wished they were all me the whole time. He has discussed suicide or disappearing & I told him I would not feel sympathy for him. I also told him he wasn’t going to get off that easy, he will be a responsible father & I will hold him to that. Now he’s saying that he wishes it were like he was like the prodigal son in the Bible and all would be forgiven. I’m so tired, I told him I needed the divorce, that maybe he was willing to live with me, but that I couldn’t live with someone I hated so much. I have some very supportive friends who I’ve told, and a little support from my mom. This past weekend I told him that he could watch the kids, after I sent them to bed. I went out with my best friend & it was so nice to be alone for me. The worst part is putting on a happy face 24/7. I teach 3rd grade, so I must be cheery. I can’t take off, I only have 3 personal days, which I need to save for court. I already took 2 daysfor doctors visits. Then I have my 4 beautiful kids, they hug & love, but they can also be trying too. The marriage counselor we were seeing sucked, he lied to he and I for over a year. She was also his personal counselor. She acts like should be giving him second chances, and that having unprotected sex with over 10 other people isn’t bad. She actually said, there is no bad guy in this when I confronted him in her office a month ago. Last week, I said she was wrong, what he did was bad. That I didn’t need to have her affirm it & once again said I wanted a divorce. Then in the last 5 days, all the sudden he is trying so hard & fixing things that he should have fixed 2 years ago. Buying gifts for me & the kids. It makes me so mad, especially since I look like the upset one. The one thing is that my kids asked if Daddy could sleep on the conch forever since he is nicer when he’s there. This brings me laughter & love, since they see I’m just trying to make it better for all of us. He still refuses to move out, but he is finally realizing that I’m done trying by myself. Like you and others have said, he realized too late. The worst part is, if he had walked away instead of begging to come home last January, I would have been ok. I feel tricked, betrayed, lied to, he even made me feel guilty about not being intimate with him during the separation and the first month we were back together. All the while he was acting like a sex addict, I think he might be. I now realize that there was nothing I could have done differently other than to trust my intuition, it was screaming something is wrong, but I let him and the marriage counselor make me feel bad for not trusting him. Well, no more. Anyhow, sorry to vent, but I also wanted to say thank you to all of you for sharing. I’ve read on glitches for the past 4 hours both your blogs and comments. Thank you for doing something beneficial with your experience and pain.
    Hope this made sense. -Dawn

    • Jewels October 11, 2011, 11:13 PM

      Hello Dawn,

      Welcome to the site, I am glad everyone’s comments are so helpful in this time of need, thank you for your kind words. I sense you have an intense feeling of being used since he begged to enter back into the marriage only to betray you. I also sense anger, which is probably intensified by seeing everyday.

      This is just my opinion, but there are a couple of things I would like to share. You mentioned that you are the internet keeper now since he found 10 women online, ect. Having that added responsibility is a bit much considering is appears you do everything else in the marriage as well, is there a way he could help out?? I am assuming when you saying computer/internet keep you mean that you are checking to make sure he doesn’t go on any sites, ect.? Or is it you have to maintain all the online bills, ect. now because he doesn’t trust himself with the computer?

      As far as your marriage counselor and his personal counselor – man oh man. He needs someone that is going to help him face his sex/internet addiction and get to the root of why he felt the need to live this double life. He can not get to the root of it with a counselor that is whispering sweet nothings in his ear and making you out to be the bad guy, that is very strange to me. If you recommend a different therapist I wonder if he would consider it. It’s as simple as this “If your life is where you want it to me right now, then you should keep your current counselor. But if you are not happy where you are, maybe you should see another specialist that might be able to better position you for getting the lifestyle and emotional happiness that you want”. It’s not saying that you will stay with him, you are just sharing your opinion, he can take it or leave it. Especially if he has thoughts of suicide, I think he needs someone more professional to help with his addiction and thoughts. You are the wife, you are not in a position to help him with such deep issues (he needs a professional), as well as be a teacher, as well as take care of 4 kids, and manage a divorce. There is not enough energy in one person and if you are not careful, stress will impact your health.

      Lastly, I know you are so angry and mad that your husband put you in such a tough spot. And I feel that alot of your thoughts are directed towards him. But in time, I want you to work on sending that energy back towards you and the kids. Meaning, you might come home and see him on the couch watching TV and think “I can’t stand him right now, look at him sitting there watching TV while my world is falling apart!” And that thought can be with you the rest of the night. When you feel that way, I want you to work on saying “My thoughts are better served thinking about something more valuable” And try to focus on thinking about how your kids are doing to deal with the divorce or creating your support system, how you are going to deal with the emotions around the affair, ect. I am not saying your husband is not valuable, what I am trying to say is the energy that you spend focusing on the anger towards him can be better served to helping YOU get to a better place. The reason is that you are running on E right now in your gas tank. You can’t give gas to anyone right now until you fill up your tank. Once you do that, then you will be in a position to help others in need. And I am writing this as if it is easy, it’s not, took months for me to really be able to do this myself, but my hope is that in writing this, you will at least think about re-directing your focus off of him a little sooner than you usually do next time. Take care, start filling up your tank, and I hope everything works out in your favor.

  • Susan October 12, 2011, 2:24 PM

    Hello Ladies,
    Jewels so happy for you that you went to Jamaica and did something just for you. Jewels got her groove back!!
    Dawn I’m sorry to hear you are experiencing all kinds of horribly traumatizing things at one time. Jewels is absolutely right about the counselor being really out there. Their is a bad guy in this situation and it is not you in anyway. I really encourage you to find a counselor for yourself that deals with trauma especially since you experienced the trauma of rape earlier in life. My journey with my therapist has been a lot of hard work but I am seeing the benefits.

    I have a few questions for everyone and would really appreciate feedback. So as vie posted before the OW is also married and was quite horrible to me, attacking me as if I were the OW. Her cupcake store is 1/4 mile from my house and I frequently see her. She has been driving by our house (not a thru street) my husband has seen her pass by as well, she has a picture of cupcakes she made for my husbands birthday on her website (his name is spelled very uniquely ) as well as being decorated with little tools,ladders,paint brushes as he is a contractor. I want my husband to contact her husband and tell him about her behavior and the website photo and ask him to put a “leash”on his wife. Is that crazy?? He said he would think about it and suggested we get some advice about it. I have to admit I am also very tempted to forward him the horrible email she sent me with all the details and how special my husband made her feel. I know vengeance is not mine but I want to do it soo badly!! I feel like she didn’t have any consequences from all of this, her husband knows very little about the infidelity yet she made sure she did everything she could to torment me and fracture my marriage. I am very conflicted as to what to do…is ignoring her drive by’s the best way to handle it or is calling her out on it?
    Do any of you see the OW at all let alone on a frequent basis and if so how do you handle it?
    Thanks for your time and I look forward to your responses. Judy if you’re reading this I hope you respond. My thoughts are with all of you.
    Susan

    • Jewels October 13, 2011, 10:22 PM

      Hello Susan,

      There was another lady that posted a similar question, but she was the other woman (sorry I can not find the exact comment!!). Anyways she wrote on the site looking for honest advice and I think she was sincere. She found out her ‘boyfriend’ who she thought was single was married and had a child on the way, she was pretty devastated and shocked because she did not know he was even married. When she found out, she broke up with him, but now she has this quilt and wanted to know if she should tell the wife, especially since she is with child. I was having a really hard time responded, I put alot of thought into it and stated it depended on many factors. It’s such a tough spot. In my response, I wrote a great deal about intent, I think intent is really powerful. I told her if her intent is really to inform the wife so that she can be informed so that she has the knowledge, that is much different from telling her to get back at the husband. So I will say the same to you, me personally I am big on intent and why you do what we do. It is just my humble perspective, but really think about why you want to do this, and if you personally feel good about the reason, that is all that matters. If your intent is to inform the husband of what type of person his wife so that he is equipped and empowered with the same knowledge as you, then that feels much better than doing it to get back at her. Also if your intent is to inform the husband so that he can talk/persuade her to leave you and your family alone, that feels like a good reason. Because to be honest, we don’t know how she will react to this, but if your intentions are good, then no matter how she responds, you can rest better knowing that you had good intentions with what you did. So really ponder why and the intent. Another thing that I told the other woman was think about if you would be ok with exposing the cheating, regardless of how the other person reacts. Meaning if you told the husband and he calls you a liar, are you ok with that? If you are not, then I personally feel you might want to step back and explore how you feel about the situation. Because when you tell, you should be in a position to tell and let go of your version of what should happen.

      At the end of the day, you have to live with the decision and since I haven’t been in that exact situation, it’s hard for me to say so not sure if what I wrote is even helpful. **Oh and as far as the website from the OW, come on!! So rude in my opinion, I don’t like that at all, what a huge trigger for you to see that on her website, out of all the cakes, she had to choose that one of your husband’s job. Part of me wants to say, don’t have your husband call because you don’t want to open up any lines of communication. You might not be in a place to call her, at the same time, you might want to call and request that she remove it so that you know what type of person you are dealing with, if she is cordial and understands, you might want to tell her everyone knows about this except for your husband, I think it’s time that he knows, are you going to tell him. So that she tell him (again if she is nice about the website thing). I am just blabbing off different ideas for you to get your thoughts going,anyways, Take Care.

  • Susan October 14, 2011, 2:17 AM

    Hi Jewels
    Thank you for your response. You have many valid and thought provoking points. My main motive and intent is for her to receive the message once and for all to stay out of our lives.having dealt with her before both face to face and via phone, email and texts I can say for certain that she will not be polite if I ask her to remove the picture of my husbands birthday cupcakes from her website. She truly is a very mean spirited person with no shame or remorse about the harm she inflicts on others.
    As far as we know her husband only knows that she and my husband had a too close emotional relationship and that she felt she wanted to leave him for my husband as she was in love. He doesn’t know about all the details she emailed me nor does he know of her coming to our house after D day and all her texts ect… So with that said my desire is to let him know and have my husband ask him to please help in getting it all to stop. She drives by at leadt once a week that we have seen, the cupcakes on her business website, the texts to him in April. Do I want some revenge? Well heck yeah in some ways but more of me just wants her to go away and I don’t think either one of us talking to her will be effective so that’s why I thought of my husband contacting hers. They do know each other as they were customers. We remodeled their home. YUK!!!
    I won’t forward the email to him because I agree that that would just be spiteful and I don’t want to be as horrible and cruel as she was to me.
    I will pray about what we should or shouldn’t do about contact.
    This woman is horrid she has so many Yelp reviews from customers stating how rude and nasty she is it’s unbelievable and she responds to their reviews with nasty snarky rebuttals so i know trying to reason with her is impossible.
    I appreciate your feedback. It is a tough spot to be in all the way around, seeing her so frequently is torture enough then realizing she is intentionally seeking to cause further harm just kerns those wounds open. I think of how awful she is and can’t help but say to myself, WOW he chased after that?? It’s quite the kick to the self esteem ya know?
    Realistically she is the one that has to live in her skin and she must be pretty miserable since she devotes a lot of her time and energy into being nasty to others. That’s a lot of consequences and karma right there.
    Man it’s hard to be spiritual while going thru all this! Thank you once again for all your insights and positivity. Your light shines bright and I am blessed to follow your tail lights 😉
    Susan

  • Mitch October 15, 2011, 4:18 AM

    Hi Susan & Jewels

    I have been pondering over your question and thought I see what responses you receive. Jewels, as ever, you are logical! Intent, aah yes, a great word and advice on intent brillo! I suppose we all have intent in these cases but like you say.. is it good or is it bad!!!! You know Susan, I guess it must be hard to deal with that situation as you also see the little demon on a regular basis! I on the other hand have not laid eyes on her at all – although I did meet her years ago! All I have is letters she sent by email and pictures! Sometimes I think the quiet from her is more infuriating that you seeing your witch! I wish I could rant and rave at her.. maybe it will make me feel better.. maybe not! I did send a few texts at one stage but no more. I guess I just keep thinking no matter what i say I still think they are in contact as why sooo quiet? Why isn’t she hounding us? After she waited to snag him after all those years, to then achieving her goal and then nothing??!!! I keep wanting to email or text and say how the stupid cow ruined my life.. I can’t say my marriage as it was partially ruined before and this is why it ended up in this pathetic situation! That is not me consenting what was done but I do understand that we were not all a bed of roses and I suppose he found comfort in being adored by someone else, enough so to take it to the next step! I get soooo mad in my head saying why did he not stop.. why did he not consider the consequences on the whole family as he had time to consider this before he crossed the line!!! Arrgghhh… bloody hell.. the frustration of it all!!! The frustration of not knowing what was said all this time between them, the frustration of not knowing what went on that one night! Every bloody day you wake up and the thoughts are there and you think they will go away but they don’t.. they’re always lurking around!! I still keep hoping my husband will do something randomly nice but I know that wont happen.. he’s just not that bothered. What annoys me most is why do I feel like I am the one trying everything to make it work when I didn’t do wrong?? oops sorry… i strayed from the point.. see .. this is what happens when i start writing.. i write for ever and ever and the mind just follows the fingers i think and not the other way round….. so.. back to the point.. i guess i would certainly want her husband to know.. would my intent be good.. hek no… mine would be pure evil… like why should i suffer this alone!!!!! But then again i suppose logic steps in and says 2 wrongs dont make a right.. but then again.. who cares!! ha ha… i think at the end of the day you have to go with what you feel is best for you and how will you feel after… I know there has been times I wanted to text Cruella in a rage and then after the logic sets in i am glad I didn’t but that doesn’t mean I forget it either as it keeps lurking in the background.. so will i text her again.. probably.. as I just feel I have to vent my anger and she deserves some of it as why did she get off sooo lightly.. but that’s my perspective on my situation… only you can decide on yours… I hope you find the right one either way… i leave you with that thought today while I get my lazy ass out of bed and head to town before the rain comes down!

  • Ella October 18, 2011, 9:13 AM

    Susan, Jewels and Mitch — Wow — I can completely understand how you feel Susan. Since this OW seems like a potential lunatic, I might just try to ignore her and live my life in a good and positive way. She can’t handle that obviously. My situation was a bit different — when my D day happened, I immediately called the OW’s husband. I had read in the emails how she wanted to keep everything so secret and how she and my husband would mention both me and her husband in emails. I thought honesty was the best policy — so we could all make informed decisions — I wanted to talk to him to see if he knew anything as well. I thought that if I were him, I would want to know — I would be furious if I was the “last to know” and would feel like such a fool. Sometimes I think that because it’s always hidden, that it fuels the fire. No one ever thinks you will tell or put it out in the open. I didn’t give him a copy of the emails or anything – just what I read between the two of them. (And I don’t know if she was reassigned to a different company since March. She was supposed to leave where my husband works in April. I can’t even call her voicemail. It makes me sick.) Her husband actually thanked me and said it explained a few things. After that, we talked maybe twice – but that was it and we both dropped it. Not sure whatever happened to them. And I really don’t care. That’s between them to figure out. Maybe they were able to fix their marriage and not hurt their 9-year old son. I don’t know how men react to this type of thing. The OW in this emotional affair (with good-night kisses) — I never saw her. She is on facebook, but does not have a picture posted that I can see. It is heart-breaking. I continue to have triggers which are followed by blow-ups with my husband. Basically when things start to go well, I just can’t believe what I went through and don’t trust him. And just like Mitch, when I start to be/try to be really nice to him, I get mad at myself — why am I making this effort? I still feel so stuck at times. I think I’ve decided to stay for now — and then I think — but why — just to wait for the inevitable hurt that may happen again? Or do I let him continue to try to work on things? If I don’t stay — will I regret it if he actually does change and I’ve already let him go? I know I wasn’t perfect and we weren’t really communicating in our marriage. I know it’s no excuse — but from what I read it seems like they talked more than anything. Anyone see Desperate Housewives on Sunday night? Ugh.

  • Melissa October 18, 2011, 12:46 PM

    I have found out that my husband has cheated on me. I found out by checking his phone and seeing all the text. He seperated from me 2 yrs ago saying he need to figure out things and I found out that he was talking to another chick. He said he never did anything expect kiss her. I am so confused on what to do. I did tell him i wanted a divorce but i really do love him. I dont want to keep going threw this. I also have people saying that he is verbal abusive to me. I dont think he will ever get physical. Any help and what to do or read that will help me?

    • Jewels October 21, 2011, 7:38 PM

      Hello Melissa,

      It appears that this is his second time cheating. I think at this point, no need to read anything, I think you should spend some time alone and answer the question….what do I want out of this marriage. Your friends say he is emotionally abusive, but what do you say? Does his talk to you in a manner which is not loving and supportive. Not saying that this is you, but sometimes you can be in a situation so long that it becomes normal to you, even though it’s not. I know you love him, which is why you really should think about what you want out of the marriage, and if you are willing to accept what you currently have with your husband. Not what he might do or what he might say, but what you have right now. Because you are not going to get a man to change unless he wants to change within himself. Think about what you love about him, and think about when he makes you feel less than. If you take a step back and do some self-reflection, the answer should present itself to you. It will take some time and effort, but keep asking yourself the question what should I do that is in my best interest. Say it over and over and trust me in time you will find that answer. I hope this helps.

  • Susan October 18, 2011, 1:34 PM

    Hi Ladies
    Mitch, Ella and Jewels thanks for responding. I have decided at this time to just let it ride as far as contacting her husband. He does know of the affair as when I caught them my husband called her husband and apologized to him for “crossing the line” while lying to me and then promptly called her and met up with her at his sisters house. I’m sure he doesn’t know about her emails, texts coming to our door or that she continues to drive by has texted my husband begging him to meet her, the pics on her website..blah blah. I am going to find out if we can do anything about the picture on the website. It says that all pictures are property of New York Cupcakes but my husband never agreed to them being posted. I know she does all these things just to get under my skin and she is being quite effective!! It is just really hard seeing her all the time and triggers so much pain and then anger and despair. I wish we could sell our house but that’s not feasible in this economy.
    Ella I don’t know how you deal with not knowing if they still work together. I am not that strong and would obsess on that daily!
    Last night was a rough one, I brought up thoughts I was having about what was going thru my husbands head when he was planning on divorcing me but acting as if nothing was different in our lives. He immediately got irritated and says he doesn’t remember. How do you not remember making plans to get divorced and marry another person and then walk in the door to your family as if it’s justs a regular day? That’s ridiculous in my mind.
    My husband says he wants to be married and says he’s so sorry yet gets angry when I say or show any feelings about the OW or my pain. He hasn’t done any of the work my therapist has asked of him has one excuse after the other, work, tired, overwhelmed etc…he will blow up like he did last night and then text me he’s sorry like he did this morning. A text of I’m sorry just doesn’t work for me. I need him to show he’s sorry by being compassionate and loving and walk thru these issues with me. Speaking in harsh irritated tones saying he doesn’t remember how he thought when we are talking about such a painful thing just feels like more cruelty. How is it that they get mad at us for being hurt by them??
    I am once again at the hopeless feeling stage and have no one but you ladies and my therapist to talk to about it. My friends say leave, my sister is burnt out on it all. I just have to find a way to keep fighting and get myself healthy and stable but at times it feels so daunting and that it will never end. I don’t even remember what it feels like to be happy.
    I’m just so tired of the back and forth with him. It was only a month ago that he finally admitted that yes he was planning on leaving despite the fact it was so obvious. Stopping paying our mortgage and other bills was a pretty good indication that he was no longer invested in our family. So he lies for row years and now says “ok I told the truth” so move on.. WTF??
    I think maybe I’m rambling and answering my own questions at the same time. He is a selfish ass huh?
    Well I hope today is a good day for all of you. Thanks for letting me ramble.
    Susan

    • Jewels October 21, 2011, 7:45 PM

      Hello Susan,

      As always good to hear from you. The choice you made about contacting her husband is the right one because you made it, and if you feel comfortable with it, that is all that matters. Now I have a question for you. I have read your story over the course of a year, and I know that you have dealt with so much concerning the affair. Your husband like most doesn’t probably grasp the extent to what the affair has done, and feels that you bringing it up is like putting it in his face when all you are trying to do is heal. Let me ask you, what do you feel you are holding onto concerning your husband. Meaning there is usually alot of work that goes into should I stay or should I leave? What is your reason behind should I stay? And it does not have to be about him, it could just be fear of being alone, money issues, or it could be love. So I am curious to know what do you feel is your reason for staying? What is your reason for going back and forth and putting forth the effort? Look forward to your response!

  • Beck October 18, 2011, 9:57 PM

    My husband cheated via contacting exes on FB. The first time I caught him I read raunchy FB messages. The second time, after I had our second child, a different girl was texting. When I caught him for sure was when she sent him a pic of her vagina…that’s right…spread open, with the caption, “enjoy”. We have worked through a lot of it and talked it out to nauseum but I can’t stop thinking about it. I know I sound like a cliche, but he really has straightened up since I threatened divorce. I try to search the ppl on the internet, for whatever good that would do. I just wish I could get over it or learn to live with it! I feel like I am obsessed. I’m embarrassed, ashamed and depressed. Ugh! I wish this never happened!!!

    • Jewels October 21, 2011, 7:56 PM

      Hello Beck,

      I just read some of the responses from your comment and you are in the right place with ladies that are so supportive. Yes Facebook can be used to cheat, it’s actually one of my most popular posts Facebook Cheating.

      Who does that, my friends don’t send pics of their vagina, so it’s interesting that I hear stories of people sending pics like that all the time. I don’t think I would ever feel comfortable doing something that like. Anyways, I digress. Your husband has a part to play in helping you not to obsess. What has he done to calm that image. Has he stopped using facebook, give you access. If he doesn’t do anything to help rebuild trust then you will have a tough time getting those thoughts out of your head, which by the way is one of the most difficult parts of recovery – those darn thoughts that keep us obsessed. You also should break down obsessed. Are you obsessed that he might still be cheating, obsessed with keeping track of him, obsessed by people finding out or all 3? Each obsession has it’s over recovery journey which is why recovery from an affair is very difficult, but can be done! I wish the best for you!

  • Mitch October 19, 2011, 10:30 AM

    Hi Becks.. welcome to the club.. not the club we all wanted to join but there you go.. sometimes you have no choice! Sooo.. you feel obsessed, embarrassed, ashamed, depressed.. well my dear… you are sooo not alone and guess what… we get to feel this every day because of stupid mistakes made by stupid men! I saw pictures too, just not as let’s say personal as yours…but like you all i keep saying in Ugh!!!!!! I wish this never happened! I am sorry you have that lovely image in your head – that’s just bloody awful! I have crap days and ok days – never really a full good day and each argument is 5 steps forward – 10 backwards… he keeps saying you keep brining her up in an argument – duh – like what else am i supposed to do as is she not the reason for all arguments now???!!!!!! Stupid idiots! I thought because we stayed together and i suddenly had this whole new feeling of starting over again, like you just met this guy and you have the chemistry back etc, but you know what, i am the one making all the effort, keep thinking he may just do something nice for me.. like i draw a heart on his lunch wrapper saying i love you… but he does nothing like that for me! I think sometimes if i walk in the door there will be a pressie on the floor.. by that i mean something small and stupid..not a reaaal present… but there never is… at other times i think when i come home he may grab me when i walk in the door and kiss me to death.. like he can;t get enough of me.. coz that’s what i feel like doing yet i hold back as he doesn’t seem to feel the same which brings back the reality.. he loves me.. isn’t in love with me! I put myself in his shoes.. if i had an affair could i suddenly just forget the other guy – i doubt it especially when they had a relationship for a year before they even had sex!!!!Today is a real crap day again and i am just so fed up of them.. i really think i am having a breakdown..i want to leave – i want to stay – i just can’t make up my mind!!!!! Arrrghh.. but when i stay i keep expecting these amazing shows of emotion i expect him to be showing me and when he doesn’t, day after day, i get peed off until it all blows up again! I hate him, i love him but at this moment in time i hate him more than anything in the world!!!!!!! Sorry becks, this turned into ” about me ” instead of just saying welcome to be broken hearts/mad raging woman’s club!!!!! Don’t worry about your feelings… all of them are normal – as normal as being a cheated on wife is normal – you have us all here to listen to the same stuff written over and over again.. coz that’s all we can do for now to vent our anger and frustration!!!!!!!!!!

  • Ella October 19, 2011, 3:54 PM

    Oh Beck — I feel your pain. FB is tough. Email is so much easier than face to face and I think people are so much more bold online because they can hide behind it. They would never mail a picture like you’re describing. How horrible — but that tells you the kind of person she is. Wow. And how stupid to put that out there. Wouldn’t you love to repost that one and “tag” her in it. Ugh. I hope you can find the same comfort here as I have. I am one month new to this site — but my D-Day was in March — and I’ve been online searching articles, reading everything I can and came across Jewel’s wonderful and safe place.
    My husband was having an “emotional affair” with a married co-worker — used the L word through texting and he also kissed her when he dropped her off at her car after work — but he was also doing inappropriate emails and meeting other women for drinks after work — at least twice that I know of. I heard 40 minutes of the flirtation from his phone being accidentally not hung up — that night ended with a kiss to another woman and some additional emails alluding that they should go out again (both drunk — and both married). This was going on at the same time as the “L word” one. So how can they do this? He is at a new counselor tonight trying to get some insight as to what triggers him to do these things. I just don’t know if I can risk my heart again. He’s phoned other women in the past, but I have no evidence of anything else so I can’t prove anything. He is doing the work to try to save it – complete open book with email, voicemail, phone — home early every night. Calls all the time and spends all of his free time with me. I’m just still so hurt. That is why we are all here. We are either stuck or trying to move on and our feelings don’t keep up with us. As Mitch says — you can take a few steps forward and then many more steps back. I just don’t know how long it takes to decide what direction we end up going. I keep wanting to rush it, but my body and mind and heart won’t let me. I am sorry we all have to go through this.

  • Susan October 19, 2011, 4:55 PM

    Hi Ladies
    Beck I’m very sorry you had to see such a horrible picture and what that is doing to you. My husband sent her a pic of his you know what(she shared that in her email to me) and it kills me so I can only imagine how you’re feeling.
    Mitch you describe the roller coaster so well and I can relate. I just do my best to hold onto the “good moments” and tell myself that will increase in duration and frequency someday.
    Ella it sounds like your husband is doing all the right things but I understand your fear of trusting him and believing him and letting yourself be vulnerable again. The conundrum is that we trusted them and believed in their commitment and they betrayed us. So for me I spin on the factnthat I did all that and look where it got me so how can I ever believe that what I see is really real? I flash on all the times he walked in the door like it was a regular day and had just left her. Her store is literally a four minute drive from our house so he didn’t have much time to change channels from Prince Charming into devoted husband but you sure wouldn’t have known it. I guess it’s good that our characters are outraged at their falseness and deception as I’m grateful I’m not built that way. I really don’t know how my husband looked me in the eye and gave me a kisss hello when 5 minutes before that he had kissed her goodbye.
    I was just organizing things in our office and came across a picture of my husband and his Uncle while we were visiting him in California. He had a Laguna Beach sweatshirt on that 2 months later he would walk in the door wreaking of perfume and covered in little sparkles and condescendingly ask me if I was smelling him!!! He’ll yeah I was smelling him because he reeked of her. The picture was dated three months to the day prior to D day. We spent our honeymoon in Laguna Beach it’s just so many triggers. I’m looking at that pic and wondering was he already wanting to leave? Was he in touch with her those days we were gone? He was working on her home at that time and constantly talking about her.. It was Lisa this and Lisa that and he knew it bothered me yet he kept that up . How sick is that he would talk about her too me telling me what a nice person and great customer she was!!! If I expressed my dislike of how much he talked about her he would get mad at me and tell me I was crazy, neurotic and petty.
    I’m sorry I’m rambling it’s just that that stupid picture has triggered so much pain. Everytime I start to get closer to him something pops up and I retreat into fear, pain and how can I ever trust him again. Thanks for being a part of this journey and my thoughts are with all of you.
    Susan

  • Mitch October 20, 2011, 1:22 PM

    Hi Guys

    Susan, I love the idea of reposting the picture and tagging her.. ha ha that would be hilarious.. pity it cant be done!! The other point Susan, the picture that triggers you off.. well you know what.. i think we all have pictures now and so much more to trigger us off. I had the emails and pictures she sent him.. i then found others of her in a pub where she went to see him.. he had saved somewhere on his pc – so that sent me on a wobbily.. and no matter how much he says he didn’t know they were there – how can you believe them? He saved them there didnt he?? duh??? At the moment i am just sick and tired of all these thoughts in my head.. i have to spoon feed him to say what i would think is a nice thing for him to do for me.. and he just doesn’t get it.. he has gone back to his normal ways,. no romance,.. no nothing.. when you thinking they would be doubling over to prove they are sorry.. and if i have to spoon feed him what’s the point? So I want him to stay but i don’t as i can’t go back to just what we had.. i do expect more.. i dont think i am being unreasonable expecting more.. and i am not talking about 24hours every day.. i am talking random acts here and there.. but hek no.. too much to ask for.. funny though how they can manage to be loving and romantic to someone else but not to you yet they say they do love you.. ha ha.. it’s sooo funny its just not funny! I am sooo frustrated with anger i want to smash everything and i am not like that. It;s more directed at his lack of actions now than the actual affair. AARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!! I just feel the time has come to move out and try move on as it is the worst bloody ground hog day – day after friggin day after friggin day – I am sick to death of it! You would think a man who does read Jewels book and the messages on this page would get it but noooo… robotic is what he is! How do you change the tin man?? No wizard of Ozz to help me cause if there was I could do with some courage to leave and stop being such a pathetic woesie!!!!

  • Susan October 25, 2011, 3:03 PM

    Hi Jewels
    I have thought a lot about your questions and have gathered my thoughts in the hope of being able to clearly state them without writing a novel !
    In regards to holding off contacting her husband both my therapist and my husband and I tabled that idea for now. However if she continues coming around or texts him again we will either contact them or obtain a restraining order.

    My journey thru this infidelity has been very difficult as everyone elses but compounded by the death of my Mother, my recovery from my broken neck and having PTSD. Everyone initially displays PTSD symptoms after finding out their spouse has been unfaithful. (obsessive thoughts, triggers, flashbacks, highly emotional then despair). For me those haven’t subsided as much as others. Due to having PTSD that was reactivated by his betrayal and ongoing lies as well as her being a psycho have put my brain in an altered physiological state of still processing these things as if they are or just happening. So when I’m triggered the flood of pain that we all get doesn’t subside. I am learning ways to cope with this in therapy and doing EMDR treatment in order to rewire my brain to be able to put these things in perspective. With that said I have gone back & forth as to stay or leave for many reasons. My mental health status is so bad that I’m not able to work and support myself right now. That actually causes more depression and despair as the trauma he caused has taken one more thing from me and it’s a huge one. The loss of the Susan that was bright, energetic and able to take care of herself is overwhelming in and of itself.

    I believe I still do love my husband but I don’t trust or really respect him. He is and has made changes and does want to stay married. He can be very inconsistent with his attitudes about the recovery and building trust journey though and that creates enormous turmoil for me. For instance my therapist has met with him and I and clarified to him that due to his lying about things for so long it is only natural that I still have doubts and questions. She has stated to him that in order for us to heal he needs to answer those questions and be mindful that he is the one that created this issue and then made it so much worse by continuing to lie, deny and minimize. He will say he gets that and understands the PTSD and then flip back into his old way of thinking that this should all be behind us.
    So I go back and forth with feeling safe enough to heal and rebuild trust with him. I’m committed to doing this extremely painful work I’m doing in therapy and it’s really tough. I’m learning how early childhood abuse and then my rape & his betrayals are all tied together and the EMDR therapy is a long process of going back thru those issues in order to clear the misguided thoughts and emotions surrounding them and retrain my brain. We have cleared some past issues and are making progress but it’s a long journey.

    I don’t know if this has answered your questions or not, I hope it has and I hope that by sharing my journey I am able to help someone else.
    Warmly,
    Susan

    • Jewels October 30, 2011, 2:11 AM

      Thanks Susan for explaining, I understand better why you feel the way that you do. Being in the PTSD state all the time is no way to live, so I am glad you are doing the intensive work on yourself, I hope that you are able to get through the EMDR treatment with much success! I just want to say that your writing is helping alot of women and through all of the intensive work on yourself, don’t forget to do things that make you happy (outside of the marriage), that is key to feeling better.

  • REC October 31, 2011, 7:41 AM

    I never, as many other women are probably thinking or thought, thought myself that I would be on a site talking about MY husband yet, here I am looking for some way to cope, some way to get through this. My husbands cheating is very recent, within the last month, and was very brief, being after the second “episode” saying he felt extremely guilty and told the ow he made the biggest mistake of his life…. Now that being said she … she sent me a message on facebook. How I felt when I woke up and turned on my computer, logged onto facebook, and that what was in my inbox… reading, and immediately I thought, shes a lying B… so I called him at work and he, sounding very ashamed or caught, admitted it.. I give him credit for at least not lying to me, or denying it. So the first emotion I felt was… “hes done” I started throwing his crap into boxes and bags, whatever I could get. Sobbing… feeling sick to my stomach…. I called his mom, at the time, and I still do, felt she should know. Then I wrote some mean things on the internet..things I am not proud of and ended up deleting those things, feeling ashamed myself. I have two beautiful kids, and before he came home from work, sent them to stay the night at my mothers, just so they wouldnt hear or know, and I could be free to scream, yell, or do whatever was to be done… He couldnt really give me a good explanation besides calling himself a moron, and some other names as to why he did it…, (he told her his marriage was lacking in the sex dept. and I didnt perform special things in the bedroom, and how I yelled alot,) said he was sorry a million times, he took my verbal beating, answered any question, and I mean ANY, that I asked. I told him he didnt have to leave the house, but he had to leave the bedroom, his new sleeping are was and is to remain the bedroom. I told him he did everything possible to make the situation worse… he had sex in our family van, he used no protection, he performed oral sex on her, and night he broke it off with her, we had just had a wonderful family dinner and movie night… what a way to end the night! I found just 2 days ago, I told him I wanted to find out if this was worth working on, told him nothing would ever be the same, and the rules are gonna be my rules, and asked him… How did he think that he was going to manage to be celibate until I felt I could resume some sort of sex life, if ever. if he felt our sex life was lacking anything before, imagine what he set himself up for now.. and how could I trust that he would manage to not do it again. He says he wants to grow old with me, always thought of that when he thinks of our future together, how much he loves me. How he didnt want to throw a 10 year relationship, 7 years of marriage, and the life we have with our kids away. He said it made him feel good to be approached by a younger, thinner female and although he was the aggressor, so he told me, and started the flirting, she didnt hesitate to strip down and do the dirty. So here I sit, two days later, still sick to my stomach, I surely hope my appetite comes back, being I havent eaten since the last wonderful dinner we had out as a family and that was 3 days ago. My crying is less, everyday. But my biggest questions are… how do I let him back into my sex life, and will I ever feel whole again?

    • Jewels November 6, 2011, 4:47 PM

      Hello REC,

      That was such a heartfelt post of your emotions being so raw. Let me first say that you are in the devastation period, the period where you lose your appetite, where you don’t understand current life as we know it. You don’t trust your husband let alone yourself and you can’t seem to get out of your own pain. We have all been through this stage and feel for you. Notice I say we have all been through it, and you will as well.

      I found out my husband was still cheating in a similar manner, she contacted me on facebook because she got mad that he broke it off. Too bad he told me he broke it off 3 months prior.

      So here is what I will tell you, we all have a crazy things that we do when we first find out, I should write a post about it, we literally go crazy for a couple of hours and it is perfectly fine – out world it literally upside down and the rage I had that day was unlike any other.

      Concerning your husband, many husband are not as honest and forthcoming as yours. Many try to dodge questions, or even deny the situation until there is more proof. And many do not blame themselves. And I will tell you, a man taking full responsibility for his actions right after getting caught and being honest about what happened is such a positive indicator that things can work out. I begged my husband to do what your husband did easily.

      Now that doesn’t get him out of what he did. II am just sharing my perspective on the situation, whatever you do you will be able to come back and share. There are always 2 recoveries, one for the marriage and one for you. I want you to focus on your own recovery, spend some time alone to sort out your thoughts, take care of yourself and treat yourself. Think about going to therapy (maybe after another month) to sort out your feelings. Let your husband lead the marriage recovery. You can suggest, but let him do the action. He did this, if he is committed, he will take the lead and do what it takes. And as far as sex life, it depends on you, use protection and base it off how you feel, no one can give you that answer but you. Lastly, you will feel whole again if you make it a priority. It’s not going to happen in a month or two, you are in a phase now of deep pain, but once you get out of that phase, and focus on you and actively participate in your husband’s rebuilding of the marriage, things will work out. Biggest thing with marriage recovery is rebuilding trust, make sure your husband knows that. Good luck with recovery and let us know how things turn out.

  • LisaP October 31, 2011, 10:47 AM

    sorry to hear about the pain your husband has cause you! Just remember this is not your fault! Maybe your sex life wasn’t up to par of what he thought it should be. He made the decision to cheat and NOT hink of the conscientious. He was selfish and only thinging of himself. You do not have to let him in your bedroom until you feel like it. It took me 3 months to let mine back in the bedroom. But not until he showed my full remorse and took every effort to make me his prioity. If you do have sex, the first time is difficult, you either will have angry sex or disconnected sex. You may also change your mind that you don’t want to be with him anymore and want to divorce. You appetite will take a while to come back. I lost 45 pound and became very ill. With no strength I had panice attacks and sobbed all the time. The thought of seeing my husband made me sick. The only thing I could eat was 1 cup of yogart and a small can of V8 that was my food for the day and water. Make sure you take care of the kids it will be hard with no sleep and no food to keep you moving. But your inner strength will be there to push you through.

    Your husband needs to go to therapy with or without you to find out how he could do this to you and for you to heal too. If he doesn’t want to go to therapy then you need to go and voice your anger!!!!!!!!

    I told everyone I knew about my husbands affair his friends everyone. I was not going to be the only one hurt here. some of his friends stood by us others did not.

  • Mitch October 31, 2011, 3:03 PM

    Hi REC

    Welcome to the club! You, like all of us.. never thought we would be on this site writing about a cheating husband.. it happens to others.. not us.. but unfortunately not true.. it does happen to us.. has happened to us.. but unlike to movies we just don’t get over it in a few days, nor weeks, nor months! Whatever the reason they cheat.. it’s just plain and simply wrong!!! I think that if anyone is in the position where they will cheat.. then why not look at your marriage and walk away from it first.. however hurtful that may be to the partner.. its a bloody lot less hurtful that dealing with him being with someone else. What gets me is not just the fact that they have sex with someone else.. it’s the emotions that go with it.. the look you know they will have given her.. the look you used to get.. why can’t they talk about it before they go through with it?/ why why why??? arghh… sorry.. not being very positive here but you now know that we have no choice about how we feel anymore.. I am nearly 6 months into finding out and i have some ok days and then others where i just crumble.. i feel pathetic and miserable and depressed beyond depressed. i had a total meltdown last week.. broke things and all.. didnt help me as all i felt was more rage. I know they say go for therapy but i feel why does a third person have to tell him what i keep on telling him and why is he suddenly going to listed to that third person when he wont listen to me.?????? I have such frustration everyday.. why did he do it.. why why and why… the thoughts are in my head every single day.. i try not to bring in up every day but its a very hard burden to carry alone.. i am trying to believe he does love me and wants me yet his actions and sometimes lack of actions make me think otherwise.. i just cannot get over it! I am glad i read about Judy and realised it will take time.. i just wish it didn’t.. i wish i could make it all go away with the blink of an eye.. but noooo.. not gonna happen.. this is reality.. and it’s crap and hard and awful to deal with and no-one understands unless they have been through it! I haven’t been any help to you.. sorry.. i am venting again… but just know what you feel is normal and you can write to your hearts content on this site and we all understand! Good luck.. you will need it… and we’re here is you need us!

  • Sandy November 1, 2011, 3:31 AM

    My husband cheated on me and I feel like such a fool. The woman was someone at work. He told me about her, told me she was very nice. Told me what a good person she was. While he was cheating with her, he wanted me to think she was a good person. He told me something another person had done to her at work and I took up for her.
    He came to me and said someone had thought something was going on with them and he wanted to tell me that it wasn’t true. Said he didn’t want to hide anything from me, and was worried someone would tell me that lie to hurt him. All the while he was having an affair with her. Why would he tell me about her? I don’t understand that at all. I am sick, chronically sick. My medication makes me sleepy. He was texting her while I slept in the other room. All day on his one day off with me. He told me work was very busy and he couldn’t talk but I found he was texting her all day. He says it was only texting and talking, never physical. I don’t know what would be worse. This feels just as bad, I think. He would leave my home and begin texting her before he left the driveway. All day. He told me he hates to text. I can see all the times I was on the phone and she called and he chose her call over mine.
    Something bad happened at his work and I suggested he should call her and let her know, because it would upset her if she found out. I felt sorry for her. All the while she was trying to take my place.
    She met my child and offered to show how to get to a store they needed to find. I thought that was so nice.
    I called her the night I learned of this. She said this was something I needed to discuss with my husband. I found out he had shared details of our life that no one knows but us, and now HER. Now I find her on facebook. She wrote “how long do you wait to hear from someone before you realize they never cared”. She wrote ” I tell myself I won’t give in and then I see you and I do” She posts songs about love and missing someone. She sent a “friend” request to my child. My child accepted. She and I are both friends with another person on facebook. If I comment on something my friend says, SHE comments after me. She wants me to know she is there. Why?
    He never confessed, I found out from the cell phone bill. He sat there, staired straight ahead. Never said a word. He says he was selfish, when I ask what they talked about on all those hundreds of texts. He says he can’t remember. He remembers everything. But not that. I don’t believe him. Part of me wants to go and hurt him the way I hurt. Part of me wants to leave. I have flashes of lies. All the things I did “for him”. How I helped him do this to me. Why would he tell me what a wonderful person she was? He was telling me all about her while he was cheating on me. I don’t know if I will ever get over this.

    • Jewels November 6, 2011, 4:58 PM

      Hello Sandy,

      I am not sure if you saw what I just wrote to REC, but your husband is acting like many cheating husbands act, so let me try to shed some light on this. I think your husband was trying to make this situation ok for himself, so in a sneaking way was trying to make you ok with it, without you knowing. It’s horrible, but some cheating men do this. They want to make it ok for themselves so they justify it by telling you about this ‘nice person’. It’s totally tramatic when you find out, and I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

      Now typically, what happens is that the OW gets mad at your husband or someone finds out and threathens to tell. So sometimes the husband will tell you ‘hey someone might contact you its not true’ in order to beat whoever what planning to tell you first, my thought is someone was about to tell you, so to keep up with the lie, he told you another one – grr!!!

      The facebook thing – your child should unfriend her, you seeing her on facebook is painful, it’s not worth it, it causes more pain.

      YOU ARE NOT A FOOL – you trusted your husband, that’s all. I hope you are in a position to get some counseling. I would not focus on the marriage at this point, your husband cant even talk or admit it, focus on you, focus on your needs, and try to get some help from experiencing this. I wish you the best. – You are wonderful.

  • Sandy November 7, 2011, 4:22 PM

    Jewels,
    Thank you for the kind words. I just came here to see if I had gotten any feedback or suggestions as to how I get through all of this. I have been out of town, he said he had done some work on the computer so I decided to check the history. It had been deleted, he isn’t the techsavvyy kind so I guess he wasn’t aware that I could still access the history. I found that he had been on many websites that someone that is trying to rebuild trust should NEVER browse. I am heartbroken, again. Now I just feel numb. I don’t want to live a life where I have to learn to outsmart someone that is lying to me constantly. He says I can see his phone and email at anytime, I really don’t want to be that person. My entire body feels week, like at any moment I may collapse. I can’t cry this time, I think I am done. That makes me so sad. When I confronted him he says “so this is what you want, for us to separate?”. I find that incredible, NO this is not what I WANT. I was faithful, I was honest, I stood by him through years of ups and downs. I never chose this to happen to me, to my marriage. I feel like I stopped and the world is still going on around me.
    My child is no longer friends with the OW on FB. I was able to make that happen without having to share any details as to why it would be best they not be friends. If I do choose to stay I don’t want to ruin my husband and child’s relationship.
    I am not able to get counseling at this moment, can anyorecommendend anything for self help? Possibly a helpful book or maybe a personal Bible study I could use to help myself begin healing and find clarity so that I may make the right choices for me. I really can’t say what I will do right now. I do know that I don’t want to live a life that doesn’t feel safe to me. Waiting for the next storm is taking too much of a toll on me.
    Thank you for this place that we can come and share, I don’t have another soul in this world that I would be able to talk this over with.

  • REC November 8, 2011, 5:28 AM

    Thank you Jewel for your post.. I was actually thinking, perhaps after the talks I have had with my husband and how “honest” he has been with me, we could start healing our relationship somehow.. And then…. finding out there was more to the story… at first he said there had been a third time… before he had sexual intercourse with her where he had saw her walking and gave her a ride.. but before he did they parked and started ” talking” and they kissed and he “fondled” her… I was very upset at him to say the least at the fact that he had already lied to me… I had asked him at that time was there anything else? He said No that was it…. and now a week after I initially found out, I still ask him questions about different things, and he admitted that he had been masturbating alot during the last year or so… which.. I didnt know and didnt care so much that he was doing it, But I felt like this last year our sex life was sucky and nonexistant… ( not that I never tried ) come to find out he was prefering his own hand and porn sites and porn magazines to me. THAT HURT!!! Big time… Especially from the point of view the girls he looks at are skinny, young and white… and I am NOT any of those …But he has been telling me everyday lately how beautiful I am, and how much he loves me….And then he said to me… we have to talk later, I have to tell you everything… My heart started beating really hard.. Perhaps it stopped before it started beating really hard…. The kids are in bed when he sits in front of me and proceeds to tell me there were two episodes that he thought not telling me about with the same girl… Apparently a YEAR ago or so… yes a year, she had come to his job, which is a supermarket, to “talk” to him… he ended up taking her into a back room, and kissing and touching her… “her boobs” is what he told me…. then about six months after that… it happened again that way… except that time it was closer to his dept that he works… and so close to anyone finding him…Which happened about 3 months since the time he fondled her… and then the sex happened about 2 weeks after that… and then again about 3 weeks after that… Of course he says he feels soooo guilty for not telling me before, and I dont believe him… I think he was trying to NOT tell me,… thinking that what he had done wasnt cheating… Although he said at the time he knew it was wrong, but didnt count it as cheating, he knows now it is… And his first reaction to me being upset is…. Ill move out… I dont deserve to be here, I dont deserve your love… And I feel he doesnt deserve me either… Someone told me that I shouldnt be so hard on him.. that the time was so spread out… that it wasnt like he had been “doing her” for the last year… But my concern is what other lies is he not telling ME! Its hard for me to start treating myself good, I dont know where to start. But here I sit… Wondering what the heck was he thinking… He didnt care if anyone saw him at his job. He didnt care if he lost his job, He didnt care if someone saw him and told me.. Thats what I figure… He said that part made it more “exciting” to him… But instead of taking HER back there, he should have taken ME… instead of masturbating alone, he said he should have asked me to be more involved… He said he thinks he has an addiction to masturbating… which Whatever in my book… but when it affects OUR life then I do have a problem with it. Im not sure what to do now…I felt that as long as he called me before he left for work, I would be ok.. Now I will THINK all day long when he is gone… wondering if she showed up, wondering if he will do the same with someone else… He promises that he will NEVER do this to me again…. that he hates himself and that he is disgusted with himself… But I sit and wonder if those are just words….

  • Susan November 8, 2011, 1:04 PM

    Hi Ladies
    Sandy
    I’m truly sorry to hear all that you’re going thru. I have had many similar experiences and hope my battle scars can shed some light for you. My husband spoke of her constantly it was “Lisa” this and Lisa that everyday for months. He was obsessed with her like she was a drug. He later admitted that he had been obsessed with the whole fantasy thing and how great she told him he was. He also said he talked about her so I wouldn’t be so suspicious!! If I expressed jealousy over it he would defend her as being a nice person and a good customer. He also admitted thatch kept me on tilt intentionally as a defense mechanism for himself again to back off my suspicions. It sounds like your husband is so entrenched in his lies and defense/denial/rationalization cycle he isn’t able to tell the truth. It’s like they are so far removed from the marriage the reality of what they’re doing isn’t registering. I agree with you I didn’t and still don’t want to have to be the Internet police or his Mama telling him right from wrong. My husband also did the “oh so you want out” crap. Again a way for them to shift the focus and responsibility onto us. You sound very rational in all your actions and commend you for that, I was not anywhere as calm as you are by a long stretch! As far as counseling I saw you asked about a Bible study, perhaps you could contact your church or a church with your beliefs and seek counseling there. It is at no charge. I found a counselor that does sliding scale fees so I can afford it. Another resource to check out are domestic violence agencies or any other womens support agencies in your county. Please keep reaching out and stay strong. A good book is “Not just Friends” by Shirley Glass Getting Past the Affair by Douglas Snyder. Jewels book and this site are the greatest for support to me.

    Rec
    Again I’m sorry you are going thru all that you are. My husband also did the cheating with a woman of complete opposite looks from me and 12 years younger. I’ve seen her and unfortunately still do, she is UGLY and 9 inches shorter than me and round and dumpy looking. As Jewels said in a much earlier post for them it’s somehow not about their looks as we all imagined. My husband had sex in our truck in our grocery store parking lot in broad daylight and said it was “exciting” he also carried on with her daily at her cupcake store right down the street for all the neighbors to see (hard to disguise a ford F250) they are idiots!! I also experienced the porn and crappy sex life it was about six yrs ago. I was devastated we married as Christians and HE brought up subject prior to our marriage that he felt porn was infidelity and he wouldn’t look at it. I completely relate to your sorrow and feelings of rejection. I tried to be spontaneous and sexual to my husband and was rejected and then to find out he jumps all over her still crushes me. It sounds like your husband has a lot of the same issues as mine. I think my husband has tremendous insecurities, high needs for approval, likes risk taking, fears of true intimacy and some forms of sex addiction. My husband has lied about things regarding the infidelity for almost 2 years and says that’s because he’s afraid I will leave if I find out this next thing. (I know why am I still here right?) I am in counseling working on my stuff and just might leave him when I’m healthier. He is making changes and seeing his patterns of fears of intimacy , objectifying women, deceptive false fronts as to whom he really is etc… I’m not a psychic but I’m pretty sure your husband has plenty more secrets and lies he’s holding on to. I told my husband to start at the beginning and end at the end and he agreed but skipped about 80% of it. She sent me an email with blow by blow details that was so horrific and he then slowly admitted over a yr period that all of it was true. I encourage you to have your husband clearly tell the OW in front of you via speaker phone or whatever level you are comfortable with that it is over, ask her to not come to his store and/or whatever else you need to have said or done. Back to the comparisons of them to us… We are women and human and it’s natural to compare but keep in mind she is a sleazy cheap woman with no that’s so willing to do such cheap acts. Actually they are quite pathetically sad that as women they allow themselves to be treated like street hookers. You have her hands down in the beauty, class and integrity and hold onto that. His and hers bad behaviors do not define your worthiness in anyway. (I keep telling myself that in the mirror) sorry so long I’m justcfired up about these #%^#men and the pain they cause.
    Susan

  • REC November 9, 2011, 9:34 AM

    Susan I so greatly appreciate your perspective and your input, and I am truly sorry that you are on this website too…. due to your cheating spouse. My husband NOW says that I am sexy, and beautiful… and he has been doing it not just by telling me.. I told him words from him mean nothing to me… so he shows me how much he loves me… But I wonder if guilt is what is driving him, how much longer will that guilt last, He thinks forever, he said he will never forgive himself for breaking my heart. He also has been going through the process of throwing away all of his porn… movies, magazines, books… And Hes promised (although I dont believe him) that he will not go looking on the internet.. But when I found out.. which was only a week and a half ago… SHE sent me a message on facebook, and had the nerve to ask how I was doing and that she was ok and then proceeded to say oh by the way I had an affair with your husband, it was only a couple of times, but I wanted you to know and then told me to have a good night… WOW!!! and I know through what my husband told me that he told her AFTER he had sex with her the 2nd time.. that he had made a HUGE mistake, he wanted his wife, and he wanted to never see her again. So… in turn she got mad and told me… she sent me the message a half an hour after he had been with her….. which i think is typical of women when they are in that kind of relationship and they get dumped. He told me he thought it was exciting because it was something new, and didnt care about if she enjoyed herself or not.. it was sex, and not even good sex ( But would he really admit it if fireworks were blaring?) She wrote alot of stuff to me ALOT of it he denied. ALOT of it I believe, even though he does deny.. I start counseling soon.. and will have to work this out one way or another… But as long as Im allowing him to stay, because I TRULY want to try and work out my marriage… My leash is tight around his neck, and one false move, Im done…. and I also told him that if she ends up pregnant, Im done… Just hope it doesnt come to that! 🙁

  • Sonia November 12, 2011, 10:36 AM

    My huband’s infedelity was one the worst days of my life. It felt like my world was spinning.Everything I knew to be was not..so confusing and utterly painful.It’s a pain I don’t wish on my wors enemy. People may be sympathetic or say get over it but unless you have experienced it you don’t know hw it feels. I couldn’t eat. If I forced myself to eat I would vomit. I was a mess. I cried nonstop. Never knew I could cry for so long. I lost 35 pounds in a month. I went to work but I was in a daze at times. It was the worst time in my life. At the time I did not think I could survive it. I cut myself for a bit because I couldn’t stand THAT pain and did not want to feel. I kept his infedelity from my parents. To this day they have no clue. They are elderly and I did not want to break their hearts or have them hate my husband since we were going to work it out. His family found out and were disgusted. They were on my side and were very supportive. He had ended the affair but she was still very persistent and would not leave him alone. As I type this I think well yeah , he should have tried harder…but it is as it is..Now he is accountable to me. He calls me when he’s getting off work or whatever. He’s doing what needs to be done so that I will trust him again. He is very loving and did show plenty of remorse when I found out. It was a very tough road. It’s been a year since finding out on Nov. 1 and it’s still hard at times. Not as painful.It’s true what they say ..give it time and the pain will diminish. I just wish I would be at the point where I would feel indifferent towards the other woman. I still have a lot of anger in my heart. I pray that God takes this away because I don’t want it.

    • Jewels November 15, 2011, 6:43 AM

      Thanks Sonia for sharing. Yes we all remember that stage, I could not believe I could be in so much pain from betrayal, and it was like I could not get out of my own pain. I am glad that your husband is doing what it takes to help heal the marriage. Every time he calls, every time he does an act that helps with trust, it is like putting a big investment in the marriage, and the couples that have both the husband and wife investing all have told me they are experiencing a deeper connection and happiness that they did not know existed within the marriage, I look forward to you sharing that story one day. As far as your anger, there are so many emotions that you go through after the affair, if anger is a problem for you. Just focus on how to let that go for the next two months. Think about why you feel anger. How is that anger impacting you. Why do you want to hold on to that anger? And what would happen if you released that and took that energy and re-purposed it? With me and the other woman, I had anger at first, but then I would get mad that I was spending so much of my precious thoughts being angry at her. She didn’t deserve my thoughts and I knew she wasn’t thinking about me, so I released it, I told myself everyday that I am only going to focus on thoughts that helped me be happy and purposeful. And eventually my positive thoughts won. Take Care!

  • Ella November 14, 2011, 9:56 AM

    It is with a heavy heart I write this. I have been reading the updates here since my last post and am heartbroken that so many of us bear this burden and pain. I am a Penn State grad and have endured another horrific betrayal this week. I am so sad for the victims of this heinous event at my beloved PSU. I am sickened by the actions of those people I respected. I attended the student-run vigil on Friday night for the victims and I balled my eyes out. They had people who had gone through this type of abuse talk about it and how they felt. I balled for them (though what they are going through is the worst). But I also realized that we (me and all of you on this site) are all victims. People we loved and put all of our faith in did the unspeakable and betrayed us at so many levels. Nothing can compare to the sexual abuse the kids faced, but I was able to understand at some level what they must be enduring. Shame, the inability to tell someone on the outside, the hurt and pain that they and we will carry with us for a lifetime. My heart is broken for everyone. It will be a year in March for my D-Day — but I knew in February something wasn’t right. I’m dreading this upcoming “anniversary” — don’t even want to celebrate anything. Especially Valentine’s Day. My husband has shown more remorse than I can imagine. He says God made him “grow up”. Interesting as he is also a PSU grad — his entire family went there, his Dad taught there — so they are all feeling this horrific betrayal as well. We both cried on Friday and Saturday — for the entire situation — and he felt it too. He admitted that he feels horrible and can’t even imagine what I’m feeling. I think hearing other kids talk about it hit him as well. People who have never experienced it can’t really imagine. He is petrified I will leave him. He keeps saying that his “a” would have ended — and that it never would have led to sex. She was a sounding board for his problems. But they did use the L word. (I caught this one early — but she is married with a 9-year old son and was clearly looking for the upgrade — would say things like — we need to figure out a way to do an overnight, etc. — he never responded to that — but it was only a matter of time). Plus he was flirting with others. He claims it was due to stress of new job at work/stress at home with my stepson moving in with us, his Dad in a nursing home. We didn’t communicate and he felt completely overwhelmed with problems. I don’t think they really think about how devastating it can be when they do this stuff. They just want to feel better. Despite all of this, it’s still hard. I still feel different….like I’m living a lie/like I was second. People say — oh what a great couple you are. I want to throw up and tell everyone! But I don’t. Like Sonia, I can’t tell my parents as it would devastate them. I’m sick of the hypocrisy though. And so it goes. I exist each day still not knowing what exactly to do and ask God for the guidance to know what to do. Part of me wants to move on and get away from this negative force in my life. I want to be free and feel joy again. The other part wants to believe that someone can change and “wake up” and can make our marriage better. I’m beyond sorry for all victims of abuse. We are part of that kind of group now and need to stay strong. The actions of other people just CAN’T destroy us.

    • Jewels November 15, 2011, 6:58 AM

      Hello Ella,

      I am sorry to hear about the experience at Penn State. It’s seems like the vigil was very emotional and brought up emotions from both you and your husband that is still raw from the cheating. I hope the kids from the experience can heal, but you are right, not comparing the situation, but some of the same emotions are present.

      Ella with Sonia is seems like part of her is healing, but with you I don’t get the sense you have progressed far, despite your husband feeling remorseful and I want you to take a look at it, because it is important. Are you and your husband working on the marriage, or just existing in the marriage? There is a difference. Like a stated with Sonia, he should be making daily deposits that are bringing your closer together. Maybe it’s a call to say he is coming home late, leaving his cell phone out so you can check it anytime. At the same time, you should be going through exercises to bring you together. Counseling will do this, or you (really your husband) can go to amazon and read some books together that will contain exercises to build communication. Sometimes one party in the marriage feels that if we just act normal and feel sorry then things will get better, that is not the case, it takes a great deal of effort. A great deal of effort when you are already exhausted, which it tough. Just remember there are always two recoveries, the marriage and yourself. I think there is some work needed on just you as well to sift through emotions. It’s not easy, but it can be done. I wish you well!

  • LisaP November 14, 2011, 8:20 PM

    Ella, you are so right that we are victims too. I never really looked at it that way but now I see it. You said you can’t tell your parents, why? They were the first ones I ran too and then all my friends I needed the support! I even made him tell his parents because he was going to be living with them until I decided what I wanted to do. Your husband has to take responsibility for his actions to help you heel. I am glad that you were able to mourn for the victims of PENN State. I was angry that most students were more upset about the head coach than the childern who were hurt! Pain is Pain no matter how it is giving, it’s how we move on after that first cut or second! Thank you for your part at PENN State.

  • Ella November 15, 2011, 7:31 AM

    Thank you Jewels and Lisa P. I am definitely stuck. My husband is extremely remorseful. Open book with his phone, email, comes home early from work, always calls and spends all of his free time with me. I just struggle with what happened and why. He just can’t explain it and so I can’t quite get at the root of it. He has “called” women behind my back before — caught this going on in 2005– two years after we were married. Part of the betrayal is not just the woman he said ILY to — but these women were still being called. He even met one for a drink before going to a hockey game with my stepson. So it’s more than just the one transgression. And they were all going on at the same time. I think that’s why I’m struggling. I think the PSU incident has really hit home. I’m basically still living with my “abuser.” So how do you fully love that person again. And does he really know what love is….. how do you turn the switch on and off like that. He said that’s how it happened — it just clicked. It was so traumatic and he really didn’t want to leave our marriage, but needed an escape from the pressure of everything. He is horrible at any sort of conflict and struggles with communication. This is getting better — and he is working at this. But he has vowed beyond anything that this will never and it can never happen again. He told his sister what he had done — on his own — to try to figure out why he would do something like this — and that it’s not how he was raised. So he has a lot of guilt now and wants to repair all of the damage done. But I think as Jewels said, that I’m not helping myself enough. Thanks everyone.

  • Sonia November 16, 2011, 6:15 PM

    Ella,
    I totally understand. My husband used the L word also. When he broke it up with the other woman she drove to my home and left three cards he had given her. He ended the letter with love. I was devastated. Reading that note in his handwriting broke my heart. He told me he didn’t mean it. Who knows if he meant it at that time. I read so much articles on infedelity and what they say is that men only love the way this woman makes him feel..not necessrily that he loves her. I admit my fault in our relationship deteriorating. I was so busy at work, working long hours, busy with the kids, house, probably nagging a bit, etc. We put our marriage last.Took each other for granted. I see how I contributed. I Dont take the blame for his immature actions however. He shoulld have had a heart to heart with me instead of doing what he did. But enough of he should have. What’s done is done and I had to accept it and let it go. It’s hard and painful. Even know I have to put a mental “stop” in my head when I have thoughts about him and the affair. Sometimes I wonder how could he love me and hurt me like this. But please understand people make mistakes. Noone is perfect. If he’s truly remorseful and and open book that is Great! What has helped my husband and I also is that we have dates at least twice a month. We get dressed up and go out. We also reneweded our marriage vows. We were never married by the church and it was something I really wanted. We got married a couple months ago and I think he did it to show me how sorry he was. Another thing that helped us is that he answered every question I had and he took it when I was angry and spiteful towards him. He hugged me and told me he loved me and how sorry he was. Think of the love and remorse that he feels. I know it’s hard but if you want to be really happy you need to let go and let God.

  • Ella November 17, 2011, 8:33 AM

    Thank you Sonia for your words of courage and strength. How do you do it? Get past the pain and the bitterness? The triggers and the feeling of being “second”. I know I contributed to it as well. Our marriage hadn’t been “close” for awhile. I went to a funeral the other day and the wife said that her husband who passed away had always “been her protector” – – I am sad that I can’t say that. Or do you look at this as a bump in the long road? I think that is what I struggle with. How do I believe that he really wants to stay — or was the situation with the OW just too difficult to pursue and too much would be involved. She is married and has a 9-year old son. My husband would have to give up a lot financially and he wants to retire in a few years — early. I don’t know. Are you in counseling? Couples counseling? I like the date night idea. My H is a negative person by nature and I would love to have a date night — but he “feels fat” all the time. It’s sooo draining. And I get tired and a bit resentful always trying to build him up. So I think in our marriage when I couldn’t take that role anymore and insisted on him doing something other than complaining — he ran to someone who would build him up…..al beit false. And he must have fulfilled the same thing for her — who knows. I appreciate your suggestions and will implement them as soon as I can. I want to try to move on and be happy — but then, sometimes I question if that would be with him….. UGH.

  • Sonia November 17, 2011, 6:34 PM

    Ella,
    No we haven’t had counceling although I really believe we should. If not for him for me. Sometimes I do question if I did the right thing by staying. In the end my decision was based on love. Even though he hurt me immensely I still loved him. Believe me if he hadn’t shown regret and been the way he is know I don’t think I would have given it another try. It is very hard still Ella to get over it. I still get triggers not as strong but I still have them and when I get them I get angry. I wonder what he saw in her. I saw her profile on facebook. She is totally different from me , physically, mentally and emotionally. Physically because at my thinnest I was always curvy. She is bone thin. Mentally because she does not have a degree. Emotionally because you have to be pretty messed up to be someone’s seconds. Like you I think my husband was feeling insecure as well and was stressed. We had just had a baby a year ago when he started the affair. I had a very difficult pregnancy wth complete bedrest and it was tough financially on us. I also earned more than him at the time. This woman was a “damsel in distress” he probably felt needed. Never mind that I needed him to help me around the house, bills and kids. But no he took my needs as “nagging”. He is totally different know. He helps and thus I am not nagging.I told him I could not take another infedelity. I told him that if he were to do this again I would hate him. Sometimes I think part of me hates him …but when I really think I hate is what he did to me. I always had his back, helped him in everything. encouraged him to better himself, etc. and this is how he repaid me. I hate that he changed what I believed love to be. Like I told Jewels. I have a lot of anger towards the other woman and I am not a hateful kind of person. As far as date night with your hubby …how about taking an interest in one of his hobbies..whatever it is. Maybe he’ll appreciate your interest and thus do something that you like as well.

  • REC November 18, 2011, 7:08 AM

    Sonia,
    Reading what I was reading from you and your comment “We put our marriage last.Took each other for granted. I see how I contributed. I Dont take the blame for his immature actions however. He shoulld have had a heart to heart with me instead of doing what he did” REALLY hit home, Not only is that the EXACT thing I have been saying, But then as I continued to read, and you wrote your husband answers your questions, took it when you were angry, This is exactly what I am going through right now, Being that this is still a fresh thing in my mind, being less than a month that I found out… My husband doesnt feel like he deserves me, feels I can and should do better, but he doesnt want to leave me, and only will if I tell him to go. My husband also wants date nights, we actually had one last night,… AND My husband has never been more attentive in bed. He makes me feel beautiful, even if we are just laying, spooning.. which is something we havent done in years, We had been sleeping with our own blankets, now we share, In some odd way,in some ways this has brought my husband and I closer, Of course the trust issue is still not there, and I think it will be a long time before it will be, I WANT to trust him though, I WANT to believe he tells me the absolute truth about everything that is asked. My head and heart battle about what is and is not. He understands, and is patient with me. He is so very ashamed and angry at himself for allowing this to ever happen. I also know this was a HUGE ego booster at the time, having a younger girl telling him how sexy and cute he was, and How he could do so much better without me, and be with her.. He said he never told her he liked her more than a friend, and he said he never told her he would ever leave me for her and that if he ever left me, he wouldnt want to be with another woman. I blame her for being so easy, so willing to open her legs, for encouraging him. Apparently it started about a year ago, And there were several conversations that led up to 5 touching episodes….. ,when she would go to his job, and he would tell her how I yelled at him, how I didnt or did perform in bed, very very personal stuff, well, thats when the “episode” Happened, and he said he kissed her and felt her body, through clothing, and then that happened again after about 5 or 6 months. Then about 2 months ago, he saw her walking, so he offered her a ride, and they ended up fooling around, in our family van.. UGH! but it wasnt intercourse yet. The next two times happened within a month of that and both times he was running an errand for me, going to the store to get milk, or whatever.. and he ended up texting her, “Wanna meet?” And she JUMPED at that and they had unprotected sex. and after the 2nd time, he told her he was stupid, he made a huge mistake, he didnt want to ever see her again, its over… etc etc.. She hit him several times, Said he was a user, and then thats when she proceeded to tell me in a message on facebook. Now I kinda disagree with the user bit, IF he is telling me the truth about what I said before about his feelings towards her, She knew the situation, Knew he was married, I ask this, What did she hope to gain by doing him, by telling me? How can anyone feel good about being second, or knowing the only time you will see this person is when they have time for a quickie, late at night, or trying to be sneaky at his job, (Which still pisses me off BIG time because I think about him being at work ALL day long and the fact that he couldnt have cared if any of his coworkers would have seen what he was doing) He has told me if she ever shows up at his job, he will tell her to leave him alone, ME? I told him to tell her, I just wanted to thank you for telling my wife, Our marriage hasnt been better! But he wont, hes not a mean person by nature, nor spiteful. I just pray that my husband and I can make it through this, overcome this situation and love each other the rest of our lives together. He knows this situation will never be tolerated a 2nd time. And he says that if he WAS that stupid to allow something like this to happen, he wouldnt even want to try and ask for forgiveness, he would just leave, knowing how he made me feel by betraying me once was bad enough, He hates how he made me feel and is trying his best to make me feel loved and beautiful!.. So far he is doing a good job!

  • LisaP November 18, 2011, 5:08 PM

    REC, I too don’t know when trust will come. We have great sex and he tells me the things I want to hear. But is he just saying those things just to make me feel better or does he mean them? We too have been closer than before but I am still guarding my heart. I can’t go through that pain again! So I take it day by day and work slowly to a better marriage.

  • Sonia November 18, 2011, 5:24 PM

    REC
    I am glad your husband is trying to make ammends with you and helping you in trusting him again. That is the most difficult thing to do.Even know I am starting to trust my husband but when hes late to call me or something my gurad goes up and the little voice in my head tells me -hey don’t let him make a fool of you again. Hate that voice in my head! My husband’s affair lasted about a year and a half. The lenght of time was VERY traumatic to me. Of course, he says it was off and on. Apparently she would make demands for him to leave me and he wouldn’t so she would leave him..but not for long because she would always go back to look for him . ..of course my H would go along with it..: ( I found out when I saw a desperate text from the other woman asking him if he was ever going to see her again and wondering if he would care if she committed suicide! Whatever! I called the number and she tells me in an indignant manner “Well Sonia its about time you found out! Its been going on for over a year and a half!” I have never shaken so much as I did then. I confronted him and practically broke every dish in my kitchen. I was so angry! So angry at him and at this sorry excuse for a woman acting as if I was the other woman! This woman was a year older than me. I felt the same way as you. She knew he was married and still did not hesitate to pursue an affair.My husband was most at fault but she still lowered herself to be someones other woman. He even had another cell phone. I found it and saw the lenghty texts she would send him like 2o a day. His texts back to her were short and to the point. She also called him first and a couple times a day. She even texted him once how she had dreamed they were getting married and she had the perfect wedding ring for him! PSCHYO! Where was I and our two little girls in the picture! Pure fantasy! That is why when the affair person starts making demands on H well its time to wake up and realize how pathetic and stupid they were acting. They realize the grass WAS NOT greener somewhere else. It’s too bad they realize this after inflicting so much pain !This girl is an unwed mother who is obviously desperate for marriage.How pathetic! She was looking for a long term relationship with a married man. When my brother in law found out he told her off. After a while she texted him(brother in law) well are you married? Do you want to hang out? Women like her are desperate and messed up. Apparently my husband’s other woman was cheated on previously. I don’t believe that because if she knew how much it hurt why would she want to inflict this kind of pain to someone else. I hope karma comes back and bites her when she leasts expects it. Even as I type that I feel so guilty for wishing she would feel some pain. I think in the end she did feel pain because I honestly thought I would dump my husand after finding out. These women think its so easy. How can I as a wife let go of a 14 year old marriage like yesterday’s trash! Only someone who has not been married and doesn’t know how hard it is would think that! I am so glad your husband is making you feel beautiful and loved. Mine is also and I am happy for that but sometimes I think why did it have to take an affair for him to realize what a great person he married…

    • Jewels November 19, 2011, 3:10 AM

      Sonia, Ella, and REC,

      Hello Ladies!! It seems that all of you are on similar paths. I am so happy to hear all of you state that you see where you could of done better in the relationship. I have to write a post about this (I should be writing one this weekend after I get caught up responding to comments) because it is so important. None of you take blame for your husband cheating, but accept how you could of done things as a wife to make the marriage better. Your mindset is spot on sometimes people get the impression that I think the husband is totally at fault for the marriage breakdown and I do not believe that at all. I played a huge part in that, but I played no part in his decision to cheat.

      The other interesting comments was that most of you mentioned in some way your husband not feeling confident or needing to feel validated. Another important point. I feel that was a huge part of my husband cheating, he felt I rejected him, and I could not provide him the validation that he was used to getting from me physically and emotionally (I was pregnant). This leads to a bigger discussion on our men and their confidence. My theory is that if they were confident enough in themselves and how they feel about themselves then they would not feel the need to have to get validated in the arms of another woman. It all comes down to self-esteem, and it’s interesting that most of you sense that in your husbands.

      I commend all of you for fighting for your marriage, it is not easy at all. I know many of you are thinking, what if he is still cheating, how do I know if he still loves me, will this last. I really feel like the universe will show you if those things are true, in the meantime, focus on fighting for your marriage. When those thoughts creep into your head, fight back and tell yourself that I am fighting for my marriage unless the universe tells me otherwise. And honestly, if something happens where you find out things are not what they seem, how awesome is it that you can hold your head up high and say that you did your part, you fought for your marriage and did the best you can. And no matter what, make sure that you do not focus all of your efforts on the marriage, take a chunk of time and devote to you, one of the most important things I learned from this is the importance of filling your cup up first so that you can pour some into your marriage, family, ect. I never did that because I was focused on everything else, the house, the kids, marriage problems when at the end of the day, I woke up and realized I was runny on E for a long time, I had nothing to pour into the marriage :). I wish everyone well!!!

  • REC November 19, 2011, 2:06 PM

    Sonia,
    It all seems so ironic that our stories are so similar. My husband cheated for about a year and a half also, But in my situation, I dont know if I should feel better, or worse or just the same knowing it could have been more instead of the 5 times, He could have been with her once a week, once a month or daily, Whats also common is the fact that the OW was in a marriage, then divorced, before this happened and her husband had cheated on HER! And I say the same thing, How can any woman knowing what it felt like to be cheated on, Do that same thing to another human being? I have done a few things I am not proud of, I started a phony facebook page, and befriended her, I pretended to be a man, and started talking to her. Want to know what I found out?? SHE IS CRAZY!!! She had been with not ONLY my husband, BUT another married man, at the same time. WOW!!! She was telling this character I made up, about why she did it. Her story about my husband doesnt match my husbands, but I dont believe her, She made it seem like she was only my husbands friend, and then somehow mysteriously, she ended up in his car, and he took her to an isolated location, and began touching her, So she felt nervous and “let him” REALLY? My husband told me details, perhaps more details than I should have asked for, But in some disgusting way, I needed to know. He told me SHE picked the place where they parked. and SHE instigated some of the stuff that went on. BUT he also said If he hadnt texted her in the first place, the two sex sessions would have never happened. So, I am confused, I deleted the facebook account. So unhealthy for me. But I just think if this thing is so quick to start talking to me and telling me her business, there HAS to be something wrong with her, I think she has self esteem issues, and having a married man after her, or doing her made HER feel good. They were both selfish with their behavior.
    Lisa P.
    I too wonder if my husband is just giving me lip service, or if he is telling me things he truly means and should have been saying all these years, He knows there is a communication problem, mostly that is his fault. I have no problems talking. He says he knows now, that he should have been telling me his feelings, instead of this OW. My heart is guarded as well, and I just hope and pray that we can all move ahead and live our lives as we want.
    Jewels,
    This site is AMAZING on so many levels. I feel I can truly be honest with how I am feeling about the situation. I dont feel like I nor my husband will be judged here. I have a few outside influences, some asking me why am I staying, telling me I am stupid. And others making light of it, well it ONLY happened 5 times in the whole year and a half. and hes a man, they shouldnt be help accountable. Some say “well your a stronger woman than I am, If my man cheated, hed be out the door” Well, I once thought that, until it happened to me, and I realise how hard it is to just throw it all away. So, I say a BIG Thank you to ALL the woman who have shared their stories, and replied to my comments!!

    • Jewels November 21, 2011, 10:45 PM

      REC, Thanks for the kind words about the site. I appreciate it. A fake facebook account, I never would of thought to do that….and she fell for it, sharing all of these details with a stranger, that is pretty scary. I know you said you deleted it, which is probably good in the end, because I could see it getting very addictive (like those spyware programs).

      I wrote a post about the OW and my thoughts around their lack of self-esteem, not being able to get a full man, so they take a piece of ours (it’s on the most popular comments tab). Well, I wrote it because that is how I felt, I didn’t realize many of the OW would read this and get very offended. The comments started getting too negative so I shut the conversation down but reading some of the comments from the OW is really interesting. They were saying how they were helping to uphold the marriage and all this other stuff, saying they have great confidence, PHD’s, etc. But I still stand by my comment that many times the OW lacks self-esteem. Towards the end you talk about other people commenting about what you are doing. It’s so easy to comment when you are not in the situation yourself. We all say if our man cheats, he’s gone, but when it happens to you, it’s real life, and that is not black and white. Before this I was in an abusive relationship and I would hear the same thing, if a man ever hit me I would ect, ect…..yeah right, until a situation happens to you directly you really don’t know how you would react. So I really wouldn’t focus on some of the things you hear, many are coming from a place where life hasn’t really hit them like it has us, meaning when you go through major life events, wisdom kicks in and you are so much less prone to judge others. I can’t believe someone was like, it only happened 5 times, really?? Geez. I know men try to make light of it (probably because they have cheated themselves) saying men and men and they will do these things, but they just don’t know how much it impact us. Later!

      Sonia – Thanks to you as well. What is this thing with women (and men) sending pics of themselves through the phone?? I can see a porn star doing that but I would be super embarrassed to do such a thing, really. For a women to take a pic of her boobs and send it to a married man….what if it gets posted on fb or her kids see it, there are many naked pic stories on the site, since when did that become a cool thing to do? My husband also had the hidden phone thing – and I know you mentioned you felt like a fool. I guess the good thing about it is that our radars are pretty sharp now, so no more playing the fool with us anymore!

  • Sonia November 19, 2011, 3:11 PM

    REC,
    Wow! I was very tempted to create a fake facebook profile also. I didn’t go through with it though. Every once in a while I’ll look at her profile and we have a restaurant in common as friends. She came out on people you may know on my FB profile so I assume I came out on hers. Well my profile has a picture of my husband and I and in it I wrote that we renewed our marriage vows. I figured if she ever looks at it she will see what a fool she was and that she was just a bump in the road for our marriage. According to my husband he would see her twice a week in the begininning and later less. Who knows! The thing was that his days off were during the week when I was at work. So he was always home when I was home. He never stayed out late etc. Yes, I felt something was not right.He started hiding his phone and he NEVER used to do that. He also would wash and vacuumm his truck like twice a week. H e would lock the office door when he was on the computer and would clear the sceen when I would go in.Little clues that know when I looked up on the internet-How to know if he’s cheating- well my husband was textbook. Word for word that was what he was doing. I guess the only comfort that I get is that I had a feeling something was not right and at least now I know that I wasn’t going crazy.At least now I know that I can trust my instincts and God forbid this happens again I will know what to look for. She even sent him a topless picture of herself. I saw it on his phone. I asked him about it but he had others who his friends would send. The others looked like they were professional looking kind (porn) hers did not but I took his word. Stupid! I guess I consider myself an intelligent woman and I hated feeling like a total fool. I agree with you this site is AWESOME. I am so glad I can share my story, vent, or happy that my words can help someone else. I am not one to join a site but this one tugged at me because when I read Jewels story it sounded like me. I felt she understood. Thank you all! May God bless you and make us all stronger and confident women.

  • mitch November 19, 2011, 3:14 PM

    Hi Sonia – Ella.. and all
    It was great to read your letter Sonia, like July, you are not new to this and it is good to know that as my time goes on and on and i still feel crazy – that it’s normal! yes, I know it sounds crazy to say it is good to hear your sad stories of pain – but you know what i mean !! I am 6 months into the discovery and every single day is a bloody battle! the voices in my head just don’t go! It’s like watching a silent movie and you put your own words into it!! I still also have so much anger and frustration and it doesn’t get better as time goes by, in fact i think it just gets worse! I blew up a few weeks ago and had a mental breakdown smashing a few things when i was alone.. but it didn’t make me feel any better! I think why it lingers is because I have no control over what happened. I see it over and over and over in my head – not that i know exactly what happened – which i think is part of the reason all these images don’t go because i keep trying to picture it all – and then when i picture it all i cannot stop that first move of the first kiss… never mind anything else! It’s like i want to go back in time and even to say let them kiss but then realise – what the hell am i doing -this isn’t right!!!! and then stop!! But it is not to be and you cannot change what has happened! I feel that as i didn’t throw him out the minute i found out makes him feel he has lost nothing and even though we are soo much better than we were before all this – it makes me wonder why it was sooo easy for him to just step back into the normal routine of our marriage. he just plods along every day like nothing has changed and i have a constant struggle of showing up at work smiling, be happy amongst friends and carry the burden yourself! I also wonder as one of you said – did he stay because it was easier – even though he says this is harder dealing with my emotions – which i do understand as i am a bit loo la – but i just don’t know how to let it go!! I text her and said i think she should have the decency to at least offer me an apology and when she rang me and we had a conversation for nearly half an hour – and in this time i also found out she said her ex husband had done the same to her many years ago so she knew how i felt – then made me more mad as like you said why would someone who has been through this inflict this kind of pain on another person? I can’t sleep properly at night – am totally restless – and my hubby says can i not just a take a day off and let my mind rest? I said because of his one stupid moment – although much more than a moment it was – i will never be able to have a day off in my head!! He thinks i think this up willingly – i don’t! who in their right mind would want these thoughts constantly in their head??? I guess at the end of the day.. we have improved in our relationship from what it had become prior to the affair.. but i still feel like i am the one who is acting like a needy child.. he does not go out of his comfort zone unless i am practically writing down what i think he should be doing for a man who is showing remorse! I guess the man i married is not very emotional and i am asking for too much but it makes me question his lack of spontaneous loving.. he also now says he is older so things aren’t the same yet somehow i don’t think that applied when he was with her. I also don’t think at intimate times he would change the subject and start talking about random other things rather than focusing on who you are kissing – so yet again – i just have these doubts even though he says he really is sorry! I believe him in one way and not another! As he is also a man who would never ever do something like this lightly – it makes me always think no matter what he tells me i know he was really into her and just because i found out does not mean he has forgotten her or wanted to forget her. He stayed as it was easier financially and logistically and even though he says this is not the reason how will i ever believe him? AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!! All i can say is that it does make it a bit easier being able to vent here when you don’t have anyone else to talk to and i thank you for that Jewels. I know some of you say why dont you tell others – well – my family would be beyond devastated and i told one friend which i now wish i hadn’t as i always feel judged. Judged for staying as was not in my normal character to do so – judged if i say i am having a meltdown when i am looking for support and so on so i definitely do not want anyone else to know unless it got to the stage where we decided to finish. My husband also had not told anyone until i found out in my recent meltdown he had told his sister and mother – 2 people who i dont exactly get on with – but both did not agree with what he did however they still talk him like he did nothing wrong and i never had one word of support from them – not even to say they were sorry – if nothing else! One other point which i do think of is like you said about children going through abuse -well i was unfortunately one of them and i could never tell another soul when it happened! I only ever told my husband who urged me to tell someone but i would never do so as it would kill my mother! It is a terrible thing to happen and you just learn to live with it. The thoughts will always be in the back of your mind no matter how many years go by and it is also the reason people like me become the class clown because it is easy to mask your true feelings by always being the funny one! It really is true how so many people that commit suicide are the ones that shock people as they never thought they were depressed! It really is the happy people you have to sometimes have to look out for as we are not always what we seem! It does bring the question to mind that am i the type of person who seeks abuse? yes i know – it sounds stupid and pathetic but i often ask myself this now as why would i inflict this pain on myself as this time it is mental abuse and not physical but it is abuse at the end of the day and this time i am staying with my abuser but is it for the right reasons or because i am so pathetically weak?? I wish none of this ever happened just as i am sure you all do but there we go – it did – it can’t be changed and i just cannot see myself ever being able to get over this – i just can’t! It;s my 23rd anniversary next weekend and although i should be feeling somewhat happy – that we are happier together now – i just can’t as i will always be wondering is he thinking
    of her!

    • Jewels November 21, 2011, 11:25 PM

      Hello Mitch (and the other ladies as well)

      As far as family, it seems like you have been hurt by their response to this. I know this might sound really bad, but I personally would prepare in my head to hear some craziness from family members about it. I was super disappointed when I told his family and then the next few interactions they acted like nothing happened. At the same time, I thought about it and was like, what did I want them to do, yell at him in front of me, be mad for me? Anyways when I would bring it up or a family member would bring up the topic, I would say to myself ‘they are about to say some really ignorant crazy stuff, so I am going to listen, laugh in my head, and when the craziness comes out, I will inside my head tell myself how unintelligent and crazy they are for saying something like that, and try not to be around that person that much anymore. Or I would change the subject and eventually, they know you are not going to tolerate it anymore. Someone in his family told me, you know why did you guys even get married if you were just going to end it like this? Really, like I knew this was going to happen. I though that was so mean to say, but you know what, in my head, I told myself that this person is really really crazy, has no clue what they are talking about, and I can not associate too much with this type of person. I literally would deem them as mentally crazy. That is the only thing I could do to prevent me from taking that comment in my head for days and being angry. What also happens is sometimes you end up connecting with a family member, and when you go from deeming them crazy to having a connection, that is a great moment!

      As far as your feeling, what you just wrote is the feeling of so many women. It’s a process and remember this is a traumatic event, this is not your normal life event – this is seriously traumatic. There are a couple of stages, and the most popular stage that women get stuck in is the decision stage. It’s where you are trying to figure out if you should stay or leave. Trying to figure out if you can still be sane and stay married. Trying to figure out why you can not get these thoughts out of your head. I think it has something to do with your personal value system that has been ingrained in us since birth, things like ‘if he cheats, you leave or else you are weak’ or ‘a strong woman doesn’t put up with affairs’. In the movies people do not stay after they find out about cheating. Society and media puts this STRONG message out there that if you cheat and you stay, you are weak. That message is loud and clear everywhere. So mentally when you find out, you realize that you really don’t have the strong sense to pick up and leave for many reasons. But that ingrained message of if he cheats and you stay you are weak is pounding your head everyday and killing your self esteem. The problem is it is not true at all, you are not weak if you stay and work on your marriage. Not true at all. Nobody ever writes a movie about the in between stage where you are trying to decide if you should stay or leave the marriage after the affair. It’s the often time the longest stage in recovery and yet no one talks about it, thus making everyone in the stage feel alone.

      So here is what worked for me personally – I gave myself STRICT boundaries on what criteria needed to be met for me to stay or leave, and I held myself accountable to that. And after I set the boundaries, I LET GO of the decision to stay or leave the marriage. I let go of the outcome and let life determine the outcome. I let go of the need to check in and see if he was still talking to her. And I woke up one day and said why am I so worried and obsessed with the need to control the outcome, when at the end of the day, I do not have control of the outcome of my marriage (because you can not control your husband). So I released the need to control something I never really had control of in the first place. I set my boundaries, and let go of the outcome. (Ironically, when I did this the OW ended up contacting me all on her own, without me needing to search and think and worry). I did this during the beginning of my journey and I thought I was good, but I ended up going through another round of letting go later in my journey (that’s an entirely different story/lesson). But the key is once I let go of the need to control the outcome, and got clear on what I was going to accept and not accept in the marriage (and I made it clear to my husband), a ton of brick were lifted off of my shoulder. I hope this helps.

  • mitch November 19, 2011, 3:40 PM

    I read this today – Sometimes the right choice is forgotten by what is convenient! How true!

  • Ella November 22, 2011, 6:30 AM

    Jewels, I wish I had just read your response to Mitch about 1/2 hour ago. My husband goes into work very early in the morning. So I called him at 6;45 and his line went to voicemail — meaning he was on the phone. My heart sank and I became a wreck. He called me back right away and even emailed me the number of the co-worker he was talking to if I wanted to check. (yeah right, was I supposed to call this guy and say — my husband had an A last March and I’m worried he’s talking to her, but he said he was talking to you and gave me your number to check). That’s what I wanted to say. So when my H called me back, I went right back into the whole thing again. Over and over, round and round. I know we all feel this rollercoaster. I feel horrible. I should have just “let it go” as you suggested. My counselor says the same thing. Just let it go and trust my gut. I knew it when it happened. But I have heightened insecurities and triggers so not sure how to combat them. I’m on the “staying” side of the fence so to speak — right now. I’m trying to make this work, but the feelings of mis-trust make me question my decision to stay. So, you are EXACTLY right when you say it’s the longest part of the recovery (if you can call it a recovery). I’m tired of feeling badly about myself and that he said I L Y to another woman and pursued her. I’m working out now and trying to take care of myself as you suggested. It’s just really hard. I feel tortured. If I had some other external validation, maybe I would feel even better….so I think I need to get out more. I did have a morning coffee with with a guy friend I used to (and still could) have a crush on. I felt so good about myself afterward. It was such great conversation and a spark was still there. So I see where that feeling comes from. You feel alive….but my conscience could never let me pursue anything. Maybe men are much weaker? With Thanksgiving coming up, I’m not sure how I’m going to react. I heard Christmas music on the radio yesterday and wanted to cry. Turned the station immediately. SO — I’m hoping everyone will be posting this week so we can all stick together and support one another. I know we are all really good people and deserve a good life. We will survive I know that deep down. I just want the pain to end once and for all. Thanks Jewels for this safe place. I will be saying my thanks and prayers for all of you on Thanksgiving.

  • Sonia November 22, 2011, 8:46 PM

    Jewels,
    Letting go of the control in the outcome of my relationship was and is the hardest thing to do. I realized that I was tired of checking up on him, constantly calling, texting him,driving by his work, etc. It was too draining on me emotionally always wondering what he was doing when he wasn’t with me. Finally, I realized I had to stop and let go. I had to trust. Which was laughable because of the immense pain he put me through but I realized I had to . ..for my sanity and well being. I could not imagine my marriage with me always suspicious of him. What kind of marriage would that be? Please whoever else is reading this ..it’s hard to do..even know a year later after D day it is hard. Its difficult to lay your heart on the line and hoping it wont be shattered into a million pieces again. I guess I have to trust that he made a mistake, is truly sorry and he loves me and our family. I have to trust that he won’t break my heart again. I have to because that is the only way I will know that I gave my marriage another try.
    Emma,
    I used to be like you. When he wouldn’t answer each and every time I called, it would send me into panic mode. I would call him until he answered or text him something about the affair. It’s gotten better and I hope that with time it will get better with you also. Every once in a while I will get anxious when he doesn’t return my call right away because the little voice in my head is there- but I guess I have to trust that he will not mess this up again.
    About the other woman…when I had just found out I wanted revenge. I wanted everyone she knew to know what kind of person she was. Her employer seems to be very religious based on the FB profile. I was so tempeted to message her. I thought of these evil schemes to get back at her..in the end I did none of those things. I believe what good or bad you do in this life will come back to you one way or another. Although I sometimes wonder what bad did I do to deserve this? I am not a mean person. Everyone that knows me thinks of me as a smart and kind. His family adores me and my family loves me. So who knows? I guess God knows what he’s doing. Honestly know that I look at it ,,if our marriage would have gone on the way it was .. I don’t know if we would be married much longer…it was a HUGE wakeup call..sorry for the rambling…hope you all have a happy thanksgiving. Even though its rough- count your blessings.

  • Susan November 23, 2011, 3:17 AM

    Hello ladies I have been reading all your posts as they come in and am inspired by all your courage as well as amused by the fake facebook page!! That is pure genius but I’m glad you closed it as it seems that could bring more pain and negativity onto you. My goodness where do our husbands find these women?
    I am visiting my sister for the next two weeks. Yes I am not spending Thanksgiving with my husband. My children (adults) are going over to their Dads as it’s his birthday and I decided I really needed to spend this time away. I didn’t want to have the holiday with just my husband, I had this strong desire for peace and laughter and to not be around all the triggers etc. I told my husband my plans and while he wasn’t very happy about them he knew he wasn’t going to change my mind either . It wasn’t a fight we had a very calm discussion. I didn’t choose this out of spite or to be cruel to him. I chose to do this for me and that feels very empowering.
    I am going to tell my husband that I am ready to commit to truly working on our marriage vs. surviving the infidelity when I return home. I’m spending this time with my sister and friends to get support and love just for me being me.
    Jewels you know how long I’ve been in the limbo stage and can you believe it I’m finally taking a step!! I am going to share my heart with him and tell him I will commit to rebuilding our marriage and participate in learning about each other in order to connect and hopefully become not only friends again but better friends and partners than we ever were. I am afraid, I am terrified and I am also feeling a lifting of my spirit at the same time.
    I have learned so much about myself in the last year and a lot of my food for thought has come from you Jewels and all the other wonderful women on this site.
    As we all celebrate Thanksgiving here in the U.S. I hope all of you women in all other countries will join us and be mindful of the things we do have to be thankful for. I am thankful for each one of you and wish you some peace and happiness in your hearts this week. Happy Thanksgiving
    Susan

    • Jewels November 24, 2011, 9:47 PM

      Hello Ladies,
      HAPPY THANKSGIVING – I hope your day was filled with family, food, and no triggers!!

      Ella – It seems like you had a trigger event, we have all been there. And in letting go, this is the hardest part. When I tell you I had to fight my way out of it, I am serious. Just like a professional boxer, I had to train my mind daily with positive thoughts so that when I got in the ring with the trigger event, I had mentally prepared moves to fight back, and eventually, those positive mental punches worked.
      Sonia – You story on why you let go was similar to mine. My second round of letting go was letting go of the need to make him work on the marriage, and the need to make him understand how bad this hurt me. Boy I wanted him to do these two things so bad, I was so desperate for him to do what I wanted. But I became so weak and unhealthy in the process, I could not go on in that state anymore.
      Susan – So happy that you are making progress – that is a huge step. Making a decision to stay or leave the marriage is huge. This will be a very good stage for you because once you commit, amazing things happen to show you if you are going in the right direction. And like I said previously, if things work out (which I really hope they do), GREAT!!! If things don’t, then you are going to be able to leave with your head high knowing that you gave your marriage a serious and focused effort on surviving. With all of the mental thoughts of ‘should I stay or go’ out of your head, you are going to experience great clarity in this new part of your recovery. This is a big step from where you were before, and I am happy for you!!

  • Tina November 23, 2011, 9:08 PM

    I have been married going on 9 years and the last 3 1/2 years have been HELL. My husband would leave for days at a time and I would not have any idea as to where he was at. I would ride around to bars and sometimes walk in and he would be there with his wedding band off. I would ask him why he was not wearing his ring and he would not comment. Women have told me about their affairs with my husbands and I would confront him and he would make up what ever lie he could to make me believe what he was saying was true. My husband has a major drinking problem and now that he knows he has been caught he blames the drinking. I feel as if I’m loosing my mind. I have moved out of our house and renting a house for now. He try’s to come over everyday and I hate seeing him everyday. I wish I could just be happy again. My children will not have anything to do with me because I still talk to my cheating husband. I feel as if I am trapped. I do not know what to do. My husband has done so much to me that I don’t know if I can forgive him. He thinks since I know of the affairs now that everything should be okay now. I would love to crawl in a hole and stay their for a while. He has a child from another marriage and this child was born for the express lane from HELL. He has been in and out of jail numerous times and will be getting out of jail in a couple of months. This 24 year old has called me names and told me to get my **** out and leave. His father would not say a word. I would tell him to get out of the house since he could not respect and he would not. He would put holes in the wall and I called 911 and they told me that if his dad said he could stay I could do nothing but let him stay. His father told me and the officer’s that blood was thicker than water. I could not believe that he said that. This is only a little of what my husband has done. My husband has not worked in 4 years due to a back injury. He has a lot of time on his hands. I work long hours everyday, while he does what ever he wants. This is a issue for me. I just wish I knew the future to know what to do.

    • Jewels November 24, 2011, 9:57 PM

      Hello Tina,

      Welcome to the site. It seems like your husband has drinking problems and cheating problems, he needs some serious help. And I know some may disagree, but you cannot carry your own life issues, and the weight of all your husband’s issues, it’s too much for one person. He has to get it together. I am assuming that you are renting a place to get away and think, are you able to tell him no you can’t come over or is he abusive (if he is, ignore what I am saying, abusive men are in a different category). I think you need some time to think and figure out what you want to do, but if he is there every day that would be hard. I think you know in your heart what you want to do but you have an intense fear, and you have to spend some time thinking about what that fear is. I am sorry that your kids do no talk to you because of him, I think they don’t want to see you disrespected or in pain and maybe they can’t take it. I hope that they get back involved with you, whether you stay or not. It is your kids lack of understand that causes them no to be involved with you at this time, not because they do not love you, I hope you know that. Take Care.

  • Mitch November 25, 2011, 4:08 PM

    Hi Guys

    Happy Thanksgiving to you all – bit late but better late than never! I hope you all got through your day as best as you could and Susan, I hope you enjoyed your time away – I think you did right by not spending it together! I hope your decision to make a go of things works out – I really do! I have been trying and trying and although we are getting along – there are always set backs! I think there always will be. I have great days and then crap days where I cry for no reason! Something small sets me off and that’s that – then i get mad at myself for loosing control! My H has been quite good through all of this as I know my “bipolar” moods have been trying on him – not that I am defending him but as we are supposed to be working on this together it seems stupid sometimes that I keep inflicting this pain on myself and both of us when i should be trying to keep control – but hey ho – there is no controlling these feelings and that’s that! I know sometimes when we do something I have to add in a snide remark and just can’t help myself but hopefully i will get to a stage where I will be able to control what comes out of my mouth!! I still just have so much anger of not having any control over what happened and why why why oh why did he not tell me he was thinking of going with someone else.. well.. obviously that would not happen – just in my head!! You all had your thanksgiving to get through and tomorrow I have my 23rd anniversary to get through! As much as I want it all to go well I just cant get her out of my head and does he really want to be with me or was it still the easier choice to stay – considering the oceans between them! Had I not found out would he have ever told me? Would he have left? Would he still be in the affair? Arrrgghhhh! How does anyone fix this? Jewels, your advice is great and hopefully i will get to where you are at as well as Susan. I have got to the stage where i don’t keep checking his calls or emails or FB yet your heart does still question it every now and then. I gave up because I just kept thinking he managed to hide this from me for so long so he is not that stupid that he wouldn’t open up another hotmail account. So you drive yourself demented thinking of how devious they can be or you just have to take a step back and say there is nothing you can do about it and hope that he is not!! How any of you other people deal with more than one affair I just don’t know – I can’t cope with one!!! We are both working tomorrow on our aniversary, me in the morning and he in the evening so we won’t even really see each other but we are going away for 2 days on Monday and Tuesday instead! I hope all will go well without me breaking down and maybe try make a fresh start ! I don’t have high hopes though but I am going to try be positive and make myself get through this!!
    Good luck girls!

    • Jewels November 26, 2011, 10:54 PM

      Hello Mitch,

      It takes time to sort out everything, be easy on yourself. You are going away on vacation, that is great. Sometimes when you are away from the environment there are less triggers and reminders. Try to have a vacation and relax, think of it as your little fantasy world for 2 days. I hope you have a great time, let us know!!

  • REC November 26, 2011, 12:47 PM

    Ella,
    I have to admit, I feel your anxiety and fears when you call your husband and he doesnt answer immediately. I too do this, knowing FULL well that my husband works in a place where he has customers, and is not always readily available, but because he chose to fool around with the ow there, the anxiety and fears shiver through my brain. I do stop by his job, on the pretense I wanted something to eat, or had to pick up something. But in the end it is really about popping in when he least expects it. I think my husband cared about this woman more than a “friend” as he described their relationship, and completely denies telling her ILY, so for that, if he is telling me more truth than not, I am thankful for. I hope the holidays are and will go smoothly for you.
    Sonia,
    how long after you found out did you realise you should release that control. I am a month into this, my H has been VERY good and understanding about following my rules. Rules that I imposed based on his actions, No going to the store by himself at night, Calling before he leaves work, No cell phone, for now, I think I am going to give in on this one! I dont have a worry at this point he will mess with her again, I worry if there will be another… After she told me she wished my children dead, I think he realised what a basket case he really was messing with..

    BUT My biggest problem is this… And I would appreciate ANY input from anyone on this…. Since I found out about the A, I also found out that when my husband and I started dating, he liked her as well, but being that she was younger, and he wasnt sure she liked him, he started dating me, He said he never found her pretty, but he liked her body..(which is key to my confusion) I found out within the last couple of days, that over the coarse of our marriage, he occasionaly saw her when she came into the store he works, he cant tell me how many times, but just said a few times a year, if that, when he saw her, he would give her a hug.. he also admitted, he liked the feel of her chest pressing against his, He also admitted it made him uncomfortable when she said one time, which was within the last two years, that his hug was so strong and made her feel good, but he didnt stop hugging her. I told him, he has pretty much cheated throughout our entire marriage, he says, it wasnt like that, he hugged her because she was his friend, he hugs no other friends mind you, And being that this is the thing that he ended up cheating with, makes it worse yet. And this also in my mind proves that there was MORE than friendship going on here! The more I hear, the more pieces go together, BUT there is SO much that doesnt fit, doesnt sound right, I question him daily, he has been pretty tolerant, and when he starts getting frustrated, I remind him, that ultimately HE is the one who put us in this situation by his actions. He calms down, apologises and he goes along with the Q&A session, until I am out of questions or am so frustrated that I cant even think anymore.

    Mitch,
    I hope your days away do you and your husband some good, and I too have snide remarks, As long as I say nothing in front of anyone else but him, I feel alls fair. I try not to be mean, and I hardly cry anymore when we talk about it, or when I say something not so nice. I just hope and pray I am getting answers that are truthful and not to please me. Good Luck throughout the holidays!

    • Jewels November 26, 2011, 10:59 PM

      Hello REC,

      I am sorry I wasn’t really sure of what your biggest problem is that you were looking for input on. It’s probably totally my fault I think I could not get past thinking about what the OW said about your children, after I read that I couldn’t really focus, what type of person would say such at thing….??

  • Sonia November 26, 2011, 11:29 PM

    REC,
    When I had just learned about the affair I felt like a spy. I would drive by my husbands work and sometiemes wait until he got out to see if she would go or if he would go see her. He would text me constantly throughout the day. I was a mess. It was hard for me to focus on anything but what he was doing when he wasn’t with me.I would look at his phone daily and at the web history. I was obsessed. I was like that for a good 3-4 months. It dimisnished somewhat after that. I stopped going to his work or expecting him to call or text constantly. Now he calls me when he leaves work and if he stops somewhere like his brothers he will call me from there or have his brother speak to me. He will also answer whenever I call and if he doesn’t cuz hes at work he’ll call me back within 30 minutes or so. To this day I haven’t totally let go but I am not as obsessive about it. I’ll look through his phone every once in a while. If I am in the area of his work I’ll glance by. But nothing like I was . He has been very patient with me. Everyonce in a while I get triggers and I snap or tell him about it. I have to because if I keep in inside I will just get angry. He’s been good to me so far. I’ve notived I am especially emotianal during my period. Also like I have explained to him I take things very personal . If he snaps or tells me not now when I want to be intimate..it hurts…it’s a work in progress…good luck …

  • REC November 27, 2011, 5:43 PM

    Jewels,
    The part I was hoping for input was this………………
    Since I found out about the A, I also found out that when my husband and I started dating, he liked her as well, but being that she was younger, and he wasnt sure she liked him, he started dating me, He said he never found her pretty, but he liked her body..(which is key to my confusion) I found out within the last couple of days, that over the coarse of our marriage, he occasionaly saw her when she came into the store he works, he cant tell me how many times, but just said a few times a year, if that, when he saw her, he would give her a hug.. he also admitted, he liked the feel of her chest pressing against his, He also admitted it made him uncomfortable when she said one time, which was within the last two years, that his hug was so strong and made her feel good, but he didnt stop hugging her. I told him, he has pretty much cheated throughout our entire marriage, he says, it wasnt like that, he hugged her because she was his friend, he hugs no other friends mind you, And being that this is the thing that he ended up cheating with, makes it worse yet. And this also in my mind proves that there was MORE than friendship going on here!

    What I am kinda wondering, does anyone else qualify this situation, the hugging over the years that I feel eventually led up to a sexual relationship, as cheating? My H denies one has anything to do with the other… I kinda wanted to know what others thought about it.
    And as far as what kind of person says something like that… One that has no problem sleeping with married men, then telling their wives, I think she is a mental case who needs help and has nothing else to do with her life, She doesnt work, lives with her parents. Being this is how her marriage ended, perhaps she feels the need to impose the same pain unto others… so sad and pathetic, really!

    • Jewels November 29, 2011, 12:17 AM

      Hello Rec,

      I think I got it, you are wanting some perspective on the relationship that led up to the affair. I think I would describe it as inappropriate. Marriage is a commitment. And with that comes certain things that not engaging with conversations with someone that you might of liked in the past. Once he proposed to you, he should of cut communication with her out of respect for the marriage. Inappropriate actions leads to affairs, so although he did not end up having sex with her until later, all of those interactions and touching prior was inappropriate, and let to the affair. It absolutely is related. There is someone in my past that I have a really good connection with. We lost contact and he tried to reach out while I was married, and even though the marriage was in a rough patch, I told him I was very happy and that things were great, only so that he would not ask me to meet up. I felt it would of been inappropriate because of the feelings I had for him in the past. Just my 2 cents!

  • Susan November 28, 2011, 1:51 AM

    REC
    I wanted to respond to your request for feedback regarding your husbands behaviors with that thing. It is my personal belief system that any activity a person is doing behind their spouses back that they wouldn’t do in front of them is being unfaithful to some degree. If your husband was hugging her and enjoying the feel of her body against his and keeping some kind of a connection going all this time I say oh he’ll yes there’s more to the story. It might be that this was some ridiculous fantasy on his part and then it turned into an actual fantasy relationship. I see it as he was being unfaithful and deceptive throughout the time period you laid out. He was withholding information, not sharing a vulnerable situation he was putting himself in and was acting inappropriately with another woman. It seems a lot of affairs start out with flirting then sharing intimate things about their marriages and then it morphs into this fantasy “were such great people together” that is based on nothing real. I think you and your husband getting some counseling and really exploring this whole issue in great depth is vital. It sounds as if she has been in the picture in varying degrees since you two got together. It sounds like he truly wants to be with you and if you want to make a go of it I think getting to the core of this “fringe”thing that went into full blown infidelity is important. Trust your gut, your own intuition has told you that this issue is a big deal and as you said a lot of things just aren’t adding up. It is up to you and within your rights to state what you need to know and what you will do with that information. Please don’t doubt yourself. If this is an issue you feel the need to explore then by all means let your husband know that this is a part of your healing process and see if he will respect and honor that request. Jewels calls that seeing if your husband is going to drive the healing and recovery journey. I’m thinking of you and wish you the best.

    Mitch
    I truly hope your days away have been peaceful and that your wedding anniversary had some special meaning to you. I look forward to hearing from you.

    Jewels
    As always thanks for all you do. I’m still at my sisters. I started to get triggered and all freaked out earlier today so I turned off my phone and stayed present here with my sister rather than be on the phone with my husband. This doing things in a healthy way stuff is a pain in the butt!!! I’m not going to call him I’m committed to walking thru this fear on my own. Calling him and saying things for the millionth time isn’t going to take away my fear of trusting him, it takes away my ability to trust myself. HA!!! Am I getting somewhere?
    Be well ladies.

  • REC November 29, 2011, 7:33 AM

    Thank you Jewels and Susan for your input, This definitely puts a new spin on things, We start counseling tomorrow, I dont even know if I care anymore. I feel as our marriage has been compromised from the get go, and I dont need him in my life to move on, I know this. The only thing I think about are my children, and as ill advised as it is to stay together for them, that is why I am willing to try. If things dont work out, he states he doesnt want any other women.. He got nothing from this but a wrecked marriage, he says, In some ways I feel he has an up on me, He got to experience something different, And I feel, why shouldnt I? I should go out, look up an ex, and go wild. But in my heart, thats not the type of person I am. I was thinking about suggesting a roommate type of situation, so we can be in the same household and raise our children, and if either one of us started dating, which I cannot imagine myself doing at any point!, that we would seperate then… But I dont really think that is a good idea either. So I feel like his decision alone has impacted my life, destroyed what I thought of as something important, and I feel he has treated it like trash. How do you get 10 years of your life back. How do you start over. How do you move on….. I am so sad right now, saddest I have been since finding out, being that it just wasnt 2 months, or 2 years… but our entire relationship………

  • Sonia November 29, 2011, 7:33 PM

    Saw this and it is so true
    TRUST is like paper
    once it’s crumpled
    it can’t be perfect again
    You can flatten the paper and try to make it as straight as you want
    but it will never be perfect agai.
    Even know as much as I love my husband I HATE what he did to me. As much as i am healing I will be forever broken. ..Like REC said- If he can do it why can’t I. Yes , at times I felt, well he had fun.He experienced someone new. Why can’t I do the same? Yes, like Jewels said , an old friend contacted me after I got married..I stayed away. He totally shattered what I though love would be. I still do feel a bit of resentmet towards his lack of maturity. I hate that he went and had an affair instead of dealing with whatever was going on in a manner that would not hurt anyone. I stuck by him.Even at his worst. Sometimes, he was super critical towards me as if I couldn’t do anything right. I would take it. Thinking he’s so pressured at work! Whatever! It was his guilt eating him up and him trying to make me look bad to ease his conscious. I HATE what he did to me. To our family . I hate it. Yes , hes remorseful, sorry, etc. but he still did it and I HATE that I am the one that has to deal with it. I am the one that has to GET OVER it.. Its not easy even after a year later. If anything this has made me a stronger person .

  • Sonia November 29, 2011, 7:36 PM

    Oh and the only thing that stopped me from doing something foolish like have an affair on him is my belief that two wrongs don’t make a right. That Karma will come back and bite you when you least expect it and most importantly I don’t want to be THAT kind of woman. A woman that it like the “other woman” . It will only be hurting me much more than him.

  • REC November 29, 2011, 8:40 PM

    Sonia,
    I see what I have to look forward to…. Not that I mean that in an exciting way, but I am only a month into finding out, I also realise I have a loooooong journey ahead of me.. I also believe in Karma, I also know I wouldnt feel better about myself if I did the same, I HATE what my husband has done, he told me he never cared or thought about the consequences. I am learning so much in this process…. perhaps more than I care to but, I am learning more than anything that my husband is a very selfish person. I am not a person who hates… I feel that brings bad energy, bad karma to oneself, but I HATE her! and then I HATE him for making me feel that way about someone…. I want to scream, cry and throw up! And after reading your comment… I have a BAD feeling, I will feel this way a year from now.. I told him, If this is to work, HE will have to deal with my mood swings regarding this. He seems to accept that, but who knows how much one can take, it seems my nagging was an excuse that drew him from me to her, so whats going to stop him from it again.

    We start counseling tomorrow, I am not sure what I want out of this.. I dont know what I will get out of this, I just know I need it, for my own sanity. Wish me good luck!

  • Sonia November 29, 2011, 10:14 PM

    REC,
    I’m sorry I guess I didn’t explain myself correctly. Those feelings that I wrote about was what I felt in the initial months of finding out.I guess reading the posts from everyone makes me remember everything and somewhat gets me angry and sad . Our marriage is in a better place. Still I do have some resentment. Not as strong as those first months but its simmering down. I guess reading everyone’s posts brings back memories for me and makes me sad for all of us. Instead of crying now I get angy. I am sorry if i sounded negative. That was not my intention. I guess I was trying to explain what I felt in the initial months of finding out. I was angry and wanted revenge . All those thougths came to me and I hated what he did to me and us. Yes I won’t lie its a year and I haven’t forgotten. It may be easy to forgive but not so easy to forget. He has been nothing but sweet, patient and kind to me. Spoiling me and my every whim. I know he’s genuinely sorry. This site has been a blessing for me but it has also opened some wounds that were healing. I feel so sad for the women going through this and I guess I remember what I was going through especially at the beginning. Take care and Good luck!

  • mitch December 1, 2011, 5:55 AM

    Hi girls,

    Sonia and Jewels.. thanks for words of encouragement and all your wise advice! Be great for us all if words alone could fix all this crap!!
    Well, the anniversary went as well as can be expected.. we got through it quietly, i didn’t cause any arguments, however, the whole time you try be normal yet the third party is always in your head. I walk down the road and have silent arguments in my head like a mental patient telling her to leave… stopping what transpired before it transpired…. telling yourself he stayed for a reason so he must love you but how did he forget her so quickly?????????? So all in all i was still there physically but not mentally! As Rec is now going for counselling I hope it helps her. When we ask ourselves what do we want out of it… do any of us really know? I think we all just want this horrific ordeal to have never happened but we cant change that! It did and now we have to deal with it. I ask myself if we were financially well off would i have left? I honestly don’t think so as I know i really do love him.. we all must do or who would put themselves through this!!! Like you say no-one can understand how this kills emotionally till you live through it. I know i would have been the first person on the sidelines to say dump the idiot – once a cheater always a cheater – but when you are thrown into the position it’s a different story. Am I just weak and scared to go out alone? I don’t think so because again you just wouldn’t put yourself through this mental torture for nothing! What i realised is there are three things in my head that just wont let up and it’s these..
    I have no control in stopping what happened before it happened.
    I do not know all the details which kills me as i keep picturing it all the time and imagining what did happen – so instead of him telling me like your husbands did i think that makes it soo much harder!
    Thirdly, i don’t think he understands the real torture this is causing me because it does not seem to have affected him emotionally at all. I feel he buried all of it in the sand – along with his feelings for her – so it leaves me with the feelings that no matter what he says to me he still loves/likes her – it didn’t just demolish his feelings once i found out so him denying it all the time makes me think he does still have feelings. IO know it sounds stupid when you are saying you want your husband to tell you he still has feelings or had them up to a while after you found out and he would never dare to admit it, the same with him telling you what happened.. but they don’t seem to understand that it is a relief of some kind – as sick as that sounds ! I dont know,.. all i know is i am sooo frustrated and wish the whispers in my head would just go – even for one day! He says will him leaving make it better but i know it won’t as it cant change what happened and this is what it’s all about! What next?? if he leaves will he go back to her eventually? That just kills me because why couldn’t he give me what he went looking for with her? Why can’t they have just told us – given an ultimatum? I know we said a million hurtful things to each other leading up to the affair but sometimes words are just words and we say awful things but underneath it all do we really mean it? We think so at the time but then something like this happens and you realise that by maybe just having worked on our relationship things could have been different but we never tried. I don’t just blame him.. i could have tried too and would have tried harder had i known someone else may be involved but i was never given that opportunity and that i think hurts more than anything else!

  • REC December 1, 2011, 9:06 AM

    Mitch,
    Let me say something… My H told me VERY intimate details about his affair. Details that perhaps I should have never asked for but, I did. I really honestly cannot say if these details have helped or hurt me. When my husband does something to me now, that he probably did before her, BUT did with her, I sometimes create a mental image… I think about HER when he is intimate with ME, because I know probably TOO many details from where, how many times, if she was shaved or not… because I asked. I feel disturbed that I needed to know. I feel sick and ashamed that I kept drilling him for answers. And he sat and in between crying and being frustrated, he answered. Now it has taken these last 4 weeks to finally get to a point where he admitted to me, that the questions that I keep asking, are bringing back something that he WANTS to wish away, wants to forget, and has learned from. Says he learned how much he really loved me, and how much could have changed if he would have communicated with me. But I say, we cannot change the past, and I cannot continue to focus on the negative of the situation, but perhaps start building on the positive. We DO love each other, we DO both want to work on our marriage, we DO want to raise our children together, and He knows, that any HINT of something happening again. I am DONE! I will NOT go through this again! I dont know how long ago you found out about your husband Mitch, but I know mine is still so very raw. I think my posts on here are much like the turmoil that is going through my brain, One minute I dont care if he leaves, the next I want to be with him the rest of my life, My brain is on a roller coaster ride that I never stood in line for. And I do feel lucky in the fact that, my husband knows what I am going through, and every time my brain goes through the spin cycle, he KNOWS that its his fault.
    The first session of counseling went pretty good, I didnt know what to expect being I had never been to counseling before. I have to admit, I didnt like some of the things this woman told me, and I have to admit, it made me think about some things too… So we shall see how this goes, I so appreciate everyone who takes time to read and respond. It truly does mean so much to me!

  • Ralmon December 2, 2011, 3:07 PM

    Rec:

    Seems you are going well, I’m glad for you. Your husband is being responsible and I have to respect him for that. Hope everything goes well and your relationship become stronger.

  • mitch December 3, 2011, 6:51 PM

    Hiya Girls

    Rec, thanks for the input. I understand what you are saying and I do believe I certainly do not want all the details and having to cope with all of them. I just want the basics. How it all started – the truth – how they ended up together and how long he stayed! More than that i doubt I could cope with! I am glad therapy helped and hope it continues to do so.. I think i should start talking to someone because lately the roller coaster is running at double speed and I don’t know why. I can’t believe how i cannot get these thoughts out my head – it’s driving me insane! I found out in May so one would think it would be easier now and yet every day I seem to have a new question in my head!! I think because after the initial discussion we haven’t really discussed this properly and that is why it keeps coming back because I| can’t ask the questions I want answered. i know if I start he gets upset at me lingering on the past – yet until I sort out the past I can’t look to the future! I do know he is trying and he is sorry but until my questions get answered I don’t think I can leave it. I hate always throwing in wise remarks and I try and stop myself yet at the same time I ask myself is this how it’s always going to be? Will I be able to let it go and not keep bringing it up as it does no good to anyone! If only it were easy! I feel stupid writing about the same thing over and over and doing the groundhog day in my head and if i could take a magic tablet to make it all better – I’d take the whole bottle! How am I ever going to believe him again – when he says he loves me it’s like – yup – easy words but does he really mean it! Will I ever believe it? Because after he saw how destroyed I was and all I/we went through he still contacted her a month after for her birthday! It just leaves the question in my mind that to know he caused so much pain – saw me literally crumble – said it was over but still thought it was ok to say happy birthday – surely knowing how i would react if i found out – but thought nothing of that and contacted her anyway! I could not have gone any lower than I was at that point in time and still that is what he did – so he thought it was nothing and just saying happy b’day – but if that is what he thought then really – do you do that to someone you love? I think this hurts me even more than finding out about the affair – and wondering when he gets bored with me again will he pick up with her again? Questions, questions and more questions!!! When I open my eyes my head is filled with them, when I sleep – I am restless – all i am doing is functioning! And Sonia… when you say it hurts when you get “rejected” with the not now… yup… I understand.. because it’s funny how they didn’t have that response to the new person yet one of the reasons he strayed was because of lack of sex – ha.. and now… now they get it on the silver platter and say no thanks.. yup.. great moral booster from the men in our lives that say they are sorry … but are they really??????????? Sorry – I think it’s time i change my name to doom and gloom!!!!!!!!! I leave it here before I depress any of you any more!! Nite nite!

    • Jewels December 4, 2011, 12:43 PM

      Hello Ladies,

      I hope everyone is doing well together, good conversation below, wanted to share my thoughts.

      Wanting to know – I think for me, I wanted to know for a couple of reasons. When I asked him about the situation, he would not tell me any details, and it hurt so bad because I felt like he was protecting her. I told him funny that she knows all this stuff about me, but you cant even tell me how the both of you met? I also felt like it was a trust think as well, in him not sharing, in my opinion he was still keeping secrets. Ironically, the OW ended up calling me and sharing the worst of the details, and I felt like if I would of know when, she couldn’t touch me. But just as REC said, I am not sure knowing all of the details would of helped with the triggers and thought in my head.

      Revenge Sex/Getting back – I know I talked about this briefly in the ebook. When you seek revenge, your goal is typically to inflict pain on another person. I wanted to inflict pain on my husband, I wanted him to hurt with the same amount of pain that I had, and it was so frustrating to see him go on with his day as if nothing happened. I did several things that I thought would upset him so that he could see what it felt like – and it didn’t work. I tried hard to make him hurt, it didn’t work. So my theory is that if I was to date or have sex with someone else, he would be mad, but it still wouldn’t give me that feeling that he understands my pain. And then I would end up with another set of mental drama to deal with, and I didn’t think I could handle any more issues in my life!

      Love my husband – In reading the latest updates, I see several comments mentioning loving your husband in context of staying together. Sonia your paper analogy is right, the paper (marriage) will never be the same. And that is good to know because many women try to put the paper back the way it was and 5 years later give up because they can not do it. What it does mean is that you are going to have to work with your husband to structure the marriage differently. Concerning the comment about loving your husbands, make sure you love yourself as well. For instance, REC, I had the same thing with my husband, if I find out anything else, I am done. Then I found out something else and I had to end it, but I loved my husband and I loved the thought of marriage, but I had to put the love of myself above those two things in this situation, and I don’t regret it at all. So make sure as you are thinking through things to remind yourself of your own love and keep that in mind throughout the day. Take Care!

  • Ella December 5, 2011, 10:19 AM

    I’ve been gone for awhile and am getting all caught up. I do love Sonia’s paper analogy. Mitch — I’m STILL on the rollercoaster and my D-Day was in March. His started mid-January. I’m so afraid of what the next few months will bring. Anyone go through a 1-year “anniversary” yet? I know my H and I had a nice Valentine’s Day dinner. But the next night, he got a limo for him and her so she could get a ride to her car in style. She used a park and ride and took the bus into work. He also bought her a Prada change purse ($350) mind you. But she apparently returned it to him after he wrote her the letter ending it. She also gave him a card with (lipstick, etc.) I do NOT want to even acknowledge Valentine’s Day now — what do I do? Anyone with any experience here? I have to admit that when I was dating an old boyfriend, I did engage/flirt with other men. And I realized that my feelings for my old boyfriend weren’t really there anymore. So that is what scares me. Is that how my husband thought and still thinks? But now he stays because he does still love me (at some level) — just not that same passionate/new feeling? I think the OW was looking for the upgrade to leave her marriage. She was saying how great she was with her stepkids, how she really tried to cook, etc. How he was her soulmate and that their timing was off.
    I’m in agreement with Love my Husband and Jewels. If it happens again — I’m SOOO gone. I told him that he wouldn’t hear a word from me. It would be over. and I’m ok with that option. The more I think about it, I would be fine. Wondering what you all are hearing in counseling — REC — you didn’t like what you heard — ugh.
    We’ll see. He continues to grovel. But again, he was caught…..He didn’t choose to end it. Still so many questions. Would lvoe to hear from you. Thank you Jewels for this safe place to vent and ask questions.

  • REC December 5, 2011, 1:34 PM

    Let me start off by saying, Jewels, I absolutely have started putting my needs first, even before my kids if need be. I ALWAYS put myself on the back burner, no more, I do love myself, and I just stopped taking care of myself, which has like I stated started to change. Also, I wanted to address “not liking what I heard at counseling” to Ella, We have only had one appointment. And we have more scheduled, but that ONE appt really opened my eyes to ALOT!!! and its about MY behavior, things I have said, done, or not done over the coarse of my marriage that made me not like what I was hearing. Most of it was what was coming out of my mouth. My truths, reality! I also figured out that Being that I cannot change the past, My H and I need to start building on positive aspects of our marriage, We both love each other, We both want our marriage to work, We are both regretful about the actions that took place in our past. But I feel if I dont start accepting that I cannot change the past and build our marriage on the positives, I will be crazier than I am right now. I have to admit, talking to the counselor, after about 10 minutes of me talking, she asked me had I ever been to counseling before, I said no, but I felt she asked that because she thought me crazy too!!! I am not saying my journey will be an easy one, this mountain is going to take a long time to climb. But as long as I know he wants to climb it with ME and ME alone, I am willing to give what I have. I NEED this blog, just as much as I feel I need counseling, All of you women, no matter if we comment directly to each other or not, reading your stories, knowing I am not alone, are important to me. I am so thankful this is the site I found when I googled about affairs. Just want to say Thank you to each and every one of you!!!!!

  • Mitch December 18, 2011, 5:06 PM

    Ola girls… been bit quiet lately.. i guess we all have enough to think about without constantly writing it all down! Anyways, 7 days till Christmas.. good tidings we bring. so the jingle says.. ha ha… yea right! It just stirs up more mechanical mayhem in the brain…. does he really want to be here.. will he be thinking of her.. what did they get up to last Christmas when I was away.. and of course my brain already has answers to most of those questions.. whether fiction or not! What the hell….. why can’t there just be a little switch to off so the brain can have a rest????????????? I sound like a stuck record here but it really is the not knowing that kills me! Knowing he was sitting a few feet away messaging her on skype or whatever and what was being said.. when we were out walking he would constantly be on the phone texting… saying who knows what.. when we were away on our break he was constantly on the phone…. aaarrrggghhhhh… when wasn’t he not talking to her?? When did he start all the emails.. the phone calls??/ When did he call her Christmas day.. how long was he talking to her.. will he this Christmas. I just can’t believe he has forgotten her.. he is not like that which makes it worse. If he was an impulsive man i could nearly believe it that he would forget but he did not take on something like this lightly! Rec, I hope your counselling is working out for you and that you learn things about each other. there is never only one side to a story.. we are both to blame because if we remember it takes two… one does not go from happy bliss to misery alone.. we rub off each other.. good and bad.. and i guess now we have had more bad than good which leads to whatever downfall in our marriages.. it doesn’t give them the right to have an affair.. it just admits that we obviously both had downfalls..I guess the one thing we have learned from this is that I am not all to blame either which he would be quick to point out … but he has learnt some home truths about himself – whether he really believes them is another thing! My husband does not believe in sentimental emotional stuff so no matter how much I can tell him I know I was also difficult to live with.. it didn’t just happen by myself… he contributed a lot to my misery and bitchiness which could have been somewhat avoided if addressed properly. Oh well.. can’t turn back the clock … onwards and upwards but it’s like a dog with a collar and chain tied up and every time you get to the end of the chain the thoughts keep pulling me back!!!!!!! fekin thoughts…. why can’t they just go!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know if we will all communicate before Christmas and if not then I wish you all as happy a Christmas as we can have considering our circumstances..and may we get through it with our minds still intact! To all of you out there, the not so recent members Judy and Susan and Jewels and the recent girls, Thanks for being there for the most of this horrible horrible year. I wish I could say next year will be better and I hope I can let it be by eventually letting go.. it’s just sooo difficult when you are not that kind of person who can just move on easily!!!! I hate all this woe is me crap.. I hate it when I am in a shop and tears start coming for no reason.. I hate feeling like a helpless loooney…. and I hate my husband thinking I am enjoying being this pathetic sad soul who is wallowing in my misery.. I just wish I could snap my fingers and pull myself together and put it behind me and stop acting like this pathetic victim.. yet that is how I feel.. like a victim… oh god.. now I am waffling on again!!! happy Christmas girls!

  • LisaP December 18, 2011, 10:53 PM

    Mitch, OMG you are just like the rest of us. It takes a long time for those feelings to settle down. But unfortunatley the never go away completely. I hated my husband for the longest time, I wished for death on him, and he was my husband someone I was suppose to love and I had all those feelings for years. I cried at work at home in the grocery store, driving down the road, you name it. What they did to us is unthinkable in our eyes that is why it hurts so bad! You did nothing wrong, this is not your fault he made the decision to cheat not you! Christmas is always hard for me too I know he thinks of her constantly and wishes her happy birthday which is next month. He know her childerns names and their birthdays too. They even probably have an Anniversary date. I felt and sometimes feel that knife just digging in my heart over, and over, and over and over again! Waiting for it to stop but it never does. It weakens through the years but we can not forget that is why it will always hurt. Your are a victim of his bad behavor not a victim of your feelings. This is how anyone should react when their world is turned upside down. Everyone feels at some point we did this to ourselves BUT NO! They did it too us! If we wanted out of the relationship we would have divorced them instead of cheat first. They just don’t have the balls to be men and get out of our relationships when the going gets rough. These men need to man up and move out and or take full responsibly for all their actions and be VERY Remorsfull! But life doesn’t happen that way does it. So we are left with our thoughts that keep us up all night long and drain our energy. We are barely alive crawling through the gravel that they left behind. I really think men just turn it off and stop thinking about it and say well that is over what else is there to do.
    !

  • Mitch December 21, 2011, 9:09 AM

    Hi LisaP
    Thanks soo much for your input! It’s good to know there are others out there who don’t heal in a couple of months… I wonder if ever! You are sooo right in saying it was his fault having the affair.. i know that is true but i am not oblivious to the contribution to the breakdown of our marriage. We were both to blame and we both should have tried harder to fix it… but no-one forced him to take the next step but himself! For that he is definitely the only one to blame. At the same time I ask myself if I never found out where would we be now?? I hated him… didn’t even like him yet at the same time i know i loved him but kept my distance because he has an issue with weight and once i had put it on i felt worse and worse being around him. Stupid me i know.. As it was and is a medical problem it is very hard to loose weight. In saying that I am not ginormous.. just a lot bigger than the skinny little girl i always was! Anyway, I am not good at reaching out and he knows that but at no time did he ever try to find out what was really wrong with us. Does it mean now i found out all will be a bed of roses? I doubt that. Unfortunately at the same time I hold grudges.! I am a very kind person.. very soft.. very helpful.. very well liked.. have great sense of humour.. all my colleagues and friends love me as I am always happy and make everyone laugh… (they would be mortified knowing what i am going through and hiding it so well) I will help anyone I can, I go the extra mile.. however.. if you cross me I find it very hard to forgive and never really get over it. This has not happened much in my life but to the very few people it has happened with… my husband knows only too well how I do not get over stuff like that easily so he had to know I would never be able to get over this.. so why did he do it? Why didn’t he just bloody leave? I just can’t get over the fact he contacted her a month later.. maybe before that as well.. i just don’t know.. it just happens I found that message… but this is what it all keeps coming back to and I just can’t let it go! I keep trying to move forward but it’s always in the back of my mind and keeps questioning if we weren’t oceans apart would he have stayed with her… i keep thinking yes…. he can keep saying no but i know him sooo well that I know deep down it’s not over for him… he will never admit it… he will just put it out his mind and get on with things as he is sensible and believes that’s what he has to do but in my heart I know different and it’s just killing me. How do i move forward without letting go of this? I feel like our “honeymoon” period has come to an end and I am drawing away again.. but at the same time i also feel it was me making all the attempts to be affectionate again…surely if he was really committed to me he would be making the moves.. and in saying that I just mean random hugs.. kisses.. wanting to kiss you with passion..not just a peck and a laugh.. there’s been nothing passionate about our relationship since the discovery.. it feels more like duty bound than anything else! Not exactly convincing me he wants me! You know.. i suppose the fact that he doesn’t even seem to feel ashamed about this is quite destroying as well! In saying all the above i can say he has been trying to be nicer… to sit with me, to hug me on the couch.. but it’s only because I am there.. he wouldn’t come look for me to do it! He is trying, i know he is but I just don’t think he is trying hard enough.. A lot of the things he does is only because i have to practically spell it out what is expected so when he does do something I just don’t feel it’s from his heart! Oh shite….. this is just crap – that’s all I can say!!!!!!!! Thanks for the input tho.. i really appreciate it! x

  • LisaP December 22, 2011, 5:17 PM

    Mitch, If he is not ashamed or truly remorseful then he isn’t. My husband broke down and cried and then hid in the bathroom like a little boy crying uncontrollably for over 1/2 hr. that is when I knew he got it! I cried uncontrollably for months & yrs before this. But he never did, I think that is what hurt the most. But remember my husand was an alcoholic and sex addict during this time. When it all blew up in 7/2011 he knew I ment bussiness and his ass was on the line. It took about 1 week of me saying I want a divorce, I wanted him to move out or just die! Death would have been so much easier, but I knew deep down some part of me still loved him. Even his best friend knew I did thats why I never divorced him before this last affair. It is ok if you do not want to stay married, you can ask him to leave! I asked mine to leave twice and he did. I went through so many emotions when he wasn’t around anymore but I also felt lost. He did come crawling back after 3months each time I kicked him out. I always took him back thinking he changed but hadn’t. If he is not willing to change and think and do things for himself then it won’t get any better. Since my husband has been in AA he has looked outside his selfishness and does so much more around the house now and thinks of others first.
    It sound like your husband is trying to be nicer but maybe you need to tell him he needs to do more or suggest he goes to therapy to fined out why he did this at all.

    You know my marriage wasn’t the greatest either but we were doing fine.(I thought) We weren’t having sex very often but I never would have thought he would have gone outside the marriage. Men tend to run from their problems than talk about it. I guess that is what they think is being a man, not talking about problems. Even now my husband states he has a hard time talking about things to me. But women have no problem at all. Just think of the holiday as a new start not a burden and you can get thru them.

    Mit

  • REC December 23, 2011, 10:53 AM

    Hi Ladies,
    I just wanted to stop in and wish everyone Happy Holidays, whatever it is you celebrate, Im hoping that everyone manages to get through this time as smoothly as possible. I myself am facing the biggest challenge.. going to my mothers house on Christmas Eve… She hasnt spoken a word to my husband since I shouted this out to the world… a decision that I have to live with yet regret with all my heart. I have a bigger problem dealing with her right now than my husband. My husband hasnt been perfect, I have had a few outbursts but I know he is trying.. He is remorseful. But where LisaP and Mitch were talking and stating they wonder if he thinks of her… I wonder the same, I also seem to be the initiator in the bedroom most of the time.. But he has started to initiate things a little more. He is so much more attentive in bed, and out. He holds my hand, comes and sits next to me and will rub my back or kiss me. I like that, that was missing before, the sweet romantic kinda stuff that I want in my marriage. There have been a few triggers that have me crying and being angry, which I feel I am allowed to have. Counseling is going well, unfortunately I do most of the talking, he sits and answers if spoken to, and cries. ( I like it when he cries over this btw, makes me feel he really is sorry) I have started to do more things for myself, I joined a gym, working out makes me feel good about myself, I have lost 25 lbs since the beginning of November, when I found out.. My goal is alot more at this point… my goal is to be smaller than when I met my husband so Im talking another 80lbs that I have to lose to be under that weight. He says my weight doesnt bother him, because he gained weight too since we have been married, but part of me feels it does. And I am not usually wrong when I feel something in my gut like that.
    Like LisaP said about her husband not communicating… neither does mine, and even now sometimes its like pulling teeth to get him to engage in a conversation that isnt about a TV show he likes or Sex. Drives me crazy… I tell him a conversation cannot be one sided.. but he doesnt get it or cannot get it I dont know which.
    Again I want to thank you all who have listened to me rant and have given me support and advice, and hope your holidays go smoothly.

  • LisaP December 24, 2011, 3:46 PM

    I just want to wish all the ladies on this site a Happy Christmas. Though you may feel it might not be a happy one, just think of the things you do have! Remember there are plenty of others you have nothing and are happy. We are women of many strengths, inner beauty and love. We can and will get through more than what our husbands have done to us. Look at this as a life lesson that we can and will overcome. Beleive in yourself! If you are not with your husbands this Christmas then find family and friends to lift your spirits. Don’t stay home alone thinking of the pain, instead try to make it a day to move on and better yourself over him.
    **** Merry Christmas*****

    • Jewels December 24, 2011, 11:13 PM

      Hello Everyone,

      Happy Holidays. I know it’s tough trying to be ‘Merry’ in all of the emotions, but use this time to be thankful what what you do have in your life.

      Mitch, you seem frustrated that you can not get the thoughts out of your head, which is only going to cause more emotions – and know that we all can relate to you in a very personal way. What made a difference for me was so many things, first writing those thoughts out helped. What are the different emotions, think about it, try to sort it out. Alone time, time to just relax and think about those thoughts. And letting go. Letting go of trying to control the emotions, trying to know what happened, trying to control the outcome of what is going to happen – because here is the secret – you do not have control anyway – so don’t fight it. You can ask yourself all the questions in the world about the other women – doesn’t mean you are ever going to find out. You can be mad about it, stressed about it, but at the end of the day, you still are not going to know everything. For me, I had to learn this lesson multiple times over the course of my recovery, and you might not be in a position to take it in right now, and that’s ok, even just reading it will at least get your mind warm to the concept of letting go – it’s the only way to emotional freedom.

      REC – You mentioned you think about if he is thinking of her – it’s tough. I literally went bonkers over this concerning sex. My husband stated the reason he cheated was because of sex. So I could not get out of my mind every time we had sex, I would think – is she thinking of her, did she do it better, am I pleasing him enough – it was absolutely insane and unfortunately I never dealt with it, and haven’t had sex since. Part of me wishes I would of worked on those thoughts more, but I was so angry at him I couldn’t do it. On a lighter note that is super cool you are working on a personal goal to lose weight. Interesting many of us lose weight from this (people were amazing at how after my child was born how quickly I lose weight, if only they knew)……but it’s seems like you are using the weight loss as a way to activate a positive change in your life, I love it!

  • AnnieD December 26, 2011, 1:00 PM

    I found out my husband was having a long distance affair about 6 months ago. I am staying with him and he ended the relationship. Not sure if I believe that 100%, but I’m not sure how much of that is in my head because I feel like I need to be so aware and watch his every move or because it is the truth. I feel like I don’t know what reality is any more. I get extremely anxious every time he is out of my sight – in the bathroom, in a separate room, you name it – because I am sure as hell that he is texting her or communicating with her somehow. When he was in the affair he had a secret gmail account, IM messages and text messages with her. I mean, couldn’t he still be doing that now and I wouldn’t even know about it? I found out about all of these things because of my snooping. Now he is much wiser, isn’t he? I’m not sure if I’m coming or going any more. What you guys think? What should I do? Should I talk to him about this or just work it out in my head? FYI that he is the ‘get over it and move on and if we never talk about it again that’s ok with me because I feel like crap and if I feel like crap then I will potentially go out and find something to make me feel better’ kind of guys.

  • Mitch December 26, 2011, 1:56 PM

    Rec, Lisa P and Jewels and now AnnieD

    To all you ladies, thanks for the wise ol words of wisdom.. it’s funny and ironic at the same time as everything you are saying to me is what i would be saying to someone else. It’s funny how when you are in the situation you know the answers but I guess we just keep looking for a new answer! I think all of us are smart and no-where near stupid yet I find myself feeling like this pathetic little looser and keep asking myself the same questions over and over again. Yes Jewels, you are soo right.. I will never be able to control what happened.. I suppose that really is the worst of it. For me being a wise one I only wish I could kick myself up the ass and stop dwelling on things I cannot change. At the end of it all it is accepting what happened, accepting you can’t change it and try move on. That now moves me on to say Welcome to Annie D! Aaah Annie, your story is so like ours – obviously – hence you being on this site – and it brings me back to what i was saying about moving on… how can one when I like Annie, even months later.. think as he was smart enough to set up private email.. blackberry message… text…all in secret then is he not smart enough to still hide it now??? I am the same in the way of thinking when he is home alone is he ringing her? When he is at work is he texting her? We all know the delete button exists and leaves no trace so why believe them now? I do want to move forward but I just cannot forget! Is it because I don’t want to forget? I don’t know… I just know that I always think of what is said about a cheater.. once a cheat.. always a cheat… and because you know they were devious enough the first time round will always leave doubt in my mind. I know when we do have an argument and he says will it be better if he leaves.. will it make me feel better… i know the answer is no because whether he is here or not.. it will not change what happened and that will forever be in my head! So Annie,, where does that leave the likes of us? My husband is also not the emotional, sensitive type and if he was i think he would show more sincere affection. Because he is not also keeps me thinking am I his be all and end all…. and I think I know the answer to that one! How much longer though do I continue? I just don’t know. Let’s see what the new year brings. I hope you all got through your Christmas day ok – Jewels.. I hope it went well around your mom! Mine was fine, bit down in dumps as kept on edge with every sms message coming through but I am slowly getting over it today! Have a good one girls!

  • LisaP December 26, 2011, 3:40 PM

    AnnieD from USA, sorry you have to go through this pain. but remember you are not alone on the site we are here for you. It seems to me your husband is not at all remorsefull, sorry, or ashamed of his actions? if he is then maybe the affair is done but don’t be to sure. If you have account access to the cell phone account sign on and view usage under his number. It will show you which numbers he is texting and whom he is talking too. This way you can prove to yourself and him that the affair is over. If you don’t have access then try a computer programs that catches everything. I did this and it worked for me.

  • AnnieD December 27, 2011, 12:50 PM

    Thanks Mitch, Lisa P & all. It helps that we are not alone and I truly appreciate all of the support! I’ve read and have been told that it takes years to get past infidelity in a marriage. I didn’t believe it, but here I am, 6 months later and I feel just as bad as I did when I found out, but in different ways (if that makes sense). Rather than feeling sick to my stomach all the time, now I just feel sad. Just sad. I think about it every single day. I know I need to move forward and not look back. I can’t change the past. Asking more questions isn’t going to help. Every day I ask myself if I should leave this marriage – I’m not sure if I can find another way around it. Lisa P – my husband is ashamed and remorseful. He has apologized. He has also said we need to move on. We do not talk about it – at all. Part of the reason is because he feels so horrible about it, talking about it makes him feel ever worse, and what good does that do? It probably wouldn’t even help me either. The more information I have the more triggers I feel. Words, phrases, songs, objects – all of the things that were mine in my heart that he took from me and stomped all over. I just want it to stop! I want to take that fear and get rid of it and be strong and confident and move on. I really do! Gosh, I’m rambling aren’t I? Thanks for listening, again. I really need this forum to get rid of some of these thoughts and feelings out of my head.

  • Ella December 27, 2011, 5:36 PM

    Annie D – I am almost 10 months later and still feel the pain — it’s the sadness that you feel and still the anger that my marriage isn’t “perfect” like I had hoped it would be. It is the loss of the innocence that kills us. Glad that your husband is remorseful…but they can never know what they have done to us — deep down. When I listen to certain songs, I cringe. That is what is so hard — as you said — they rob us of our own feelings. How fair is that? I’m tired of asking questions now. Have the occasional meltdown but it is getting easier for now. But I DO think about it EVERY single day. It even haunts me in the shower where I try to have peace. I am working on me — getting into shape, etc…but I sometimes wonder why I do stay. I love my husband, but how can I love someone who has made me feel so miserable. That doesn’t make sense. We fall in love because of how that person makes us feel…..so why don’t I fall out of love. Or am I too proud? I think the OW is still with her husband (he knows). I hope she is miserable for the pain she has caused her family. So selfish a thought — but people need to understand the consequences of their decisions….maybe they won’t make the same one again. Who knows. We all will survive this together. I guess it’s not the worst thing in the world that can happen to us — but it sure feels painful enough to be.

  • Sonia December 27, 2011, 8:23 PM

    Ella,
    You explained what I feel so well. Its been one year and a month of me finding out, and like you I still think about it quite frequently. I rehash everything he told me, everything she told me and everything I told her. Some days are worse than others. Actully it usually gets worse around my period. I guess although I confronted her I feel like I didnt really get to tell her exactly what I thought of her. At least I know I handled her like a lady and did not stoop to her level…but at times I wish I had told her what a worthless, pathetic poor excuse for a woman she is. I still harbor a lot of bitterness towards her and like I stated previously,I dont get how a woman
    could do that to another. Although I am starting to trust my husband I still get triggers and I have to fight them before I snap at him, which sometimes its impossible to do. I guess I am resentful that he gets to carry on like nothing happened and I AM the one that has to deal with it. I hope what they say about karma is true and I hope that one day when she least expects it …she will feel the pain she caused. Even as I type this I cant help but feel bad that I am wishing this on someone else.

  • LisaP December 28, 2011, 12:03 AM

    Today I had an interesting conversation with my hairdressers. She is 62 and does mens hair as well as women. We talk about affairs and men all the time since she is my hair-therapist LOL and knows all about my situation. Well she told me she had one gentleman client that was getting more agitated when he saw her every month. She finally asked him whats up, his response, he had an affair and it was killing him with guilt and he wanted to tell his wife. Since my hairdress is no dummy she told him it will make you feel better but not your wife! He never thought about that, he was only thinking of himself! He thought he could tell her she would forgive him and life would continue as the norm. He never thought that she may want to divorce him. So she told him think first, are you doing this for youself or because you think she needs to know? He didn’t know the answer after that.
    Men only think of themselves when they are in the affair never the after effects of it. In the end I think he never told her if I remembered the story right.
    As a woman whom has been cheated on I prefer not to know, unless everyone else around me already knows, then tell me!
    What do yo think?

    • Jewels December 28, 2011, 1:01 AM

      LisaP,

      I just read your story, very interesting.

      Not sure if you know but there was one women on the site who wrote as the other women, she honestly did not know and when she found out, also found out that the wife was pregnant and asked me should she tell. It was probably one of the most difficult questions I have received on the site because I didn’t know how to answer and I knew that what I wrote might impact lives. At the end, I wrote something similar to your hairdresser about her intentions and if her intentions was to help her or hurt the wife, and letting that be her guide. Another women wrote about how horrible it was to find out at a time that was suppose to be so joyful. I think she ended up deciding to not say anything.

      Me personally, I would want to know, if I could choose the timing I don’t think I would of choose 2 weeks before my son was born. I think I would want to know because I have this pet peeve with lying. Also my situation might of been different because I felt like he was not treating me the same since the affair, I felt like he was putting me off to the side, and I did not like it. Now if we had an arrangement, meaning that we both talked and agreed on a don’t ask don’t tell policy, then that is totally different. But the lying and the blatant cheating I just have a hard time dealing with it. Yes the aftermath is nothing short of horrible emotionally. But I sometimes think what if I didn’t find out now, how long would this have gone on? Could he of transmitted a disease to me? My case might be different as well because not everyone knew, but some people knew. And it’s hard for me to make an decision of if I would want to know without blocking my own personal situation. Good question and food for thought!! Interesting in hearing others perspective.

  • Sonia December 28, 2011, 10:14 AM

    Ladies,
    As Albert Einstein said ” There is no mistake so painful that love cannot forgive, No past so bitter that love cannot accept and no love so little that we cannot start over with…..”

    When you question if you are weak for forgiving him remember this quote-
    I don’t forgive people because I’m weak I forgive them because I’m strong enough to understand people make mistakes.

    Take care!

  • AnnieD December 28, 2011, 10:46 AM

    Where is the like button? 🙂 Sonia, you just made my day.

  • Ella December 28, 2011, 10:50 AM

    Thanks Sonia! Ditto AnnieD.

  • Mitch December 28, 2011, 5:20 PM

    Ladies… all of you on this page, too many names for me to always remember as some are more frequent than others.. or maybe I have a touch of the ol alzheimers.. eh.. um.. i hope not… anyways.. firstly Sonia… uuggh.. too wise you are my dear! he he… it really is a fabulous quote.. if only we could apply it easily wouldn’t we all be happy chappies.. it’s like another I read recently.. why bury the hatchet if you are going to put marker on the site? I read this on a calendar and thought how true.. but once again.. it’s a great quote but I just can’t apply it, same applies to if you can’t forgive or forget- pick one! Hmmm… too many out there and I am sure we could probably make up a few ourselves! It sure if food for thought though so thanks Sonia. You say you hope karma comes around.. funny.. the woman who had the affair with my husband said her husband did the same to her.. so if she felt all this horrible crap shitty pain and head wrecking brain turmoil.. why would she inflict it on someone else? I hope her Karma is that after waiting all these years to snare my husband and she finally did..and I know she fell head over heels.. that now she no longer will be able to see him.. literally.. as not easy oceans apart.. knowing that we are trying to sort things out.. is her Karma and i hope like hell she suffers twice as much as I am!!!!!! I am not a vindictive person by nature but I don’t give a crap about how she feels and yes, I too hope somehow someday the same will apply to my husband because they do just carry on with little disruption. Perhaps it would have been different had we thrown them out and they would have realised what they lost and been a bit more remorseful in their emotions.. who knows! I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday as a friend of mine i met in the USA earlier this year died from Cancer. She has a very rare type of cancer.. the same as my sister.. only a handful of people have it and I tracked her down and we flew over to meet her. She was young and vibrant with two young kids and would have turned 34 today. It makes me sad thinking how quick she went downhill and I really did not expect her to die so soon. My next fear is the same is in store for my sister who will get her new scan results next week. (I was going through dealing with her cancer operations/treatments/flying back and forth to take her to them and continue with my work while my husband was having his long distance affair!) It just makes me more aware of how quick our time goes by and how much time we have wasted. I am not sure how old you all are but I am 44 and husband is 55. We are both very young at heart – but i keep thinking how old he really is (and I don’t mean that in an offensive way if any of you around the same age…) and how much longer do we have? When i think of this I think ” get over this bloody affair and try make the most of the next 20 years.”. as sure as shit the last 20 flew by in a jiffy. We really do wish our lives away and until your kids are grown up you just don’t realise how quick it went. I am more like my kids pal than their mother but sometimes I have a reality check and realise I am the mom.. fek.. I am old… bloody hell.. how did that happen as I am still 16 in my head!!!!???????? Anyway, sorry, waffled on there… after hearing about Rosie dying I had my meltdown.. thought about how short life is.. why can’t just get past this… why do I keep questioning everything…and of course that brought on a night of tears! I watched the movie Only You with Robert Downey Jnr and thought why can’t life be like the movies with the romance and happy endings? Its just not fair! Tonight my husband is in bed with Man Flu.. have I sympathy – hek no! I told him i am glad he is suffering all be it for a different reason.. and it will mean nothing to him at all… but I do get a weee bit of satisfaction from it!!!
    LisaP… i thought about what you said re: would you want to know. Hmmm…. i reckon after going through all this horrible crap every day for nearly 10 months and never getting one day off to not think about it.. i would say no.. i would prefer not to know.. however.. had I not found out where would we be now? My feelings have been like a complete 360 of what they were.. i really thought there wasn’t the slightest bit of hope for our marriage before and now look.. we’re not like a bed of roses but we certainly can talk to each other with a civil tongue, we can hug and kiss and laugh and i think that is what I missed most.. laughter. We’re nowhere near perfect but it sure as shit is 100 times better than we were. I don’t think we would be in this situation had I not found out. So my answer would be both yes and no as both of them have a very valid reason. Just like the forgive or forget quote… pick one… I can’t!

  • LisaP December 28, 2011, 5:43 PM

    Sonia, Like button! 🙂 too!

  • Ella December 29, 2011, 6:14 AM

    Mitch —
    First — I’m sooo sorry for the loss of your friend and for what your sister is going through. I can’t imagine having that along with our other pain. So I hope you can take some time each day to help yourself relax. Stress is bad on the body and it shows over time ….. 🙁
    I struggle with the quote as well. I think I have forgiven, but can’t and won’t forget. My brain won’t let me — I think to protect me. What a way to live. It’s just when we start to have fun, the alarm goes off and says to hold off — you could get hurt — and then all the what ifs come back. The what if he is just doing this until I settle down and then he starts it again – -what if he thinks I’m fine and then he gets stressed again and starts it again. What if he just hasn’t learned to not give off any signals — I believe that is what he does. Subconsciously — he’s certainly not out telling people how happily married he is — or others wouldn’t be so open to him or vulnerable. Or maybe he is and they want that life. I think they all commiserate — unless that is their trick and he is more devious than I want to believe…sigh…..Anyway — I’m wondering if I will get true joy back. I know it won’t be the same type of joy — the naiive happiness is gone. It’s now a more mature, solemn state I suppose. And I guess as you write above, we should be thankful for our health and what we have right now. Here’s to a better New Year. I heard yesterday was Good riddance Day =- where we were to “get rid” of all the bad this past year. I would need a dump truck. Have a good day all.

  • Sandy-Sue December 29, 2011, 9:45 AM

    Yesterday was not good! It was the 1-year anniversary of me finding out about my husband’s affair with a girl 1/2 our age that he met at a club! A strip club!…yes, she worked there.
    We have spent the past year in counseling and trying to work on our marriage (with me doing most of the trying); I moved out to our RV for a couple of months…and of course things got better. I moved back after 2 months only to have some of the same “old issues” keep coming up — crap that we fought about even BEFORE his affair. But now, every argument comes back around to that — his affair.
    He showed very little remorse; he kept wanting to have his “nights out” just to have a beer; he skipped his individual counseling a couple times; and while I know he’s no longer seeing her or anyone else, he’s proven he cannot do what it takes to rebuild my trust! I’m just exhausted after 1 full year of this CRAP!
    I put a deposit down on an apartment that will become available next week. While I am a little excited about moving on, I am also scared to death! I never thought that just a few months before I turn 50 years old — I would be leaving my 25-year marriage and the home we’ve built together for 18 years…to end up in a 1-bedroom apartment, alone.
    But….anything has got to be better than this past year!!
    Wish me luck ~~
    Although I don’t post often, I do read and keep up with most of your stories. I absolutely HATE that our husbands have put us here!
    Best wishes and Happy New Year to you all! May it be a better one for you!

  • Bebe December 29, 2011, 10:46 AM

    Sandy-Sue,

    I am leaving my husband soon too. I haven’t decided weather or not I want this marriage anymore. I am leaving to sort out my head and to focus more on myself than this drama that he started. It gets frustrating at time when he’s the one that cause all of this problems and pain, yet he walks around like everything is all good. Or at least he try to make it seem like its all good.

    My husband like to sugar coat things. He knows that I am leaving, I even purchased the tickets and everything else myself. My life that I’ve built with this man is going into storage. And it sucks because I really do love my kids and our family. But how do one stay when the other person isn’t treating them right? Some days I just sit there and think. I think to myself of how dumb I can be to put so much trust in a man that didn’t respect me as his wife and his partner in life. But that’s a given when you decided to spend the rest of your life with the person right? I blame myself in the beginning until I realize that I wasn’t the problem. He was. I realized that he was the one that cheated and the one that had problems within himself. As a young woman and only 23 years of age, I know my self worth. And I will not let him think that he can just do all of this damage and not feel sorry for what he did to me and my kids.

    I want him to know what it feels like to not have me or the kids around. To not have a good home cook meal everyday after work. Clean laundry and bills are paid… I want him to see that what he had at home was the best and that he will find no other. I’m not gonna lie I wasn’t the best wife (emotionally & verbally) at times. But I’m young and I have a lot to learn. The difference is I know right from wrong and I didn’t choose to cheat my way out of the problems in the marriage like my husband.

    I feel like I am just typing away at times. But I feel better after I express my feelings and this site gives me that chance. I am scared to death and I am wondering what life will be like for my kids. They deserve everything that I can offer them, their my world. I just don’t understand how he can do this to them. But I guess I will never understand no matter how hard I try.

    He tells me he loves me everyday and that he’s in love with me. But how to do he expect me to believe that when he cheated? How do you treat the mother of your kids like that? I would ask him how do you come home at night and kiss me and your kids with that dirty mouth of yours? His reply was “I don’t know, baby”. Disgusting…. and to top it off I feel like my marriage is never going to heal because of the fact that the OW is prego. It’s so hard to get over that…..

    I just want to wish all of your wonderful ladies a Happy New Year coming up!!! I am hoping the new year will be a better one for me. I need a new beginning and a new start to a new life. With or without this fool!!!! Take care ladies.

  • Ella December 29, 2011, 2:35 PM

    Sandy-Sue — we are close in age — I’m in my late forties. Husband is 53. I’m getting close to one year of when his affair started in mid-January — I discovered it in mid-March — prior to them sleeping together as she has a 9-year old son she had to pick up every day — but nonetheless she was making her move and it was a matter of time. I have to say that I’m a bit envious of your situation to start fresh. I am in the limbo state — I have leaned towards staying as my H likes me to be at home — not working now. BUT – and only you all know this — I really dont like being home by myself. We have no kids and now I have no purpose. I gave up a really good sales job to get my “house in order” so to speak. Couldn’t even admit that to the people I worked with. They think I quit to just relax and stay home. That’s not my personality — I like to be out and about and around people. I’m slowing realizing that this is bringing me down and his issues are very toxic. I also don’t admit this to many, but I have three young adult step-children who — quite frankly — are a mess. No futures and no ambition. It makes my H sick and he feels guilty for his divorce over 10 years ago. I have been married for 8 years…and honestly — I think his stress at work and his disappointment with his first marriage/kids has made him a miserable person. He married me I think with a thought that I would rescue them and be a savior. But I quickly got onto the fact that neither he nor his ex-wife wanted to help them in a positive way. So I wasn’t about to take the challenge on by myself — although my middle step-son moved in with us for about a year — that was very trying. But I helped him! That was when the A was going on. So instead of my H coming home on time to help his own son — he was busy driving her to her car and making out in the parking lot …… And so I’m here — originally thinking I could never let him go and how much I love him and want to save my marriage — but then the flipside shows a reality for me that actually brings me down. So now what. I think I need to find a job — not as stressful as sales, but something to get me out and about. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I know I’m still attractive, but really don’t dress nice anymore — the yoga pants all the time. And my husband has gained all his pre-affair weight back and looks slovenly all the time. It’s really getting old. He is doing some of hte work on our relationship – but nothing for his kids really. And so it goes. So Sandy-Sue — hang in there — you can look at your new life as a clean slate — and a chance to start over — enjoy your own company for awhile! I would be curious from those who stayed if you had the waffling feelings…..My heart says one thing and my head says another. I feel like SUCH a FOOL at times. Not just this affair — but he was flirting/texting others and even going out with another married woman for “champagne” to celebrate the new job he took through all of this. He lied to me, the OW and so many people. He admits he messed up — but sometimes I wonder — do I really need this in my life????? Bebe — I feel your pain as well. I’m sorry you are going through this too. It’s exhausting. I’m crying out for joy — TRUE JOY…..I question if I can have it staying with someone who could lie to my face, and do the sneaky things he did.
    So today I’m in the “leave camp” — but then I’ll have a nice time tonight and prolong staying thinking there is a chance. True torture. Have a nice evening ladies — this site is a Godsend.

  • Bebe December 29, 2011, 6:15 PM

    Ella,

    I feel the same way too, like is it worth saving? You put so much trust and effort into a relationship and to have him throw it all away for some fantasy life that will never work out with the OW. It’s sad, and when these men realize the mistakes that they’ve made it might be to late. I find myself questioning him all the time. Even though I am moving back home and he knows that I am leaving. I still ask him questions about the affair. I know that it wouldn’t change anything. I just need to know the details in order to move on. I don’t know if you feel this way too.

    It really is exhausting… especially if you have two little ones to take care of like me. I try my best ever since I found out to try to stay strong. I never want t cry in front of my kids. But some days it’s hard to bare and I do. And that’s when is makes me even more sad because my kids would feel my sadness…. I hope you enjoy the rest of the holidays and hopefully things will get better soon!!!

  • Susan December 30, 2011, 2:52 AM

    Hello Ladies,
    I haven’t posted in awhile but I do read everyone that is posted. Mitch I am so very sorry for your loss of your friend and that your sister is so I’ll as well. I lost my Mother 6 months after D Day.. The first year was one of turmoil and shock. It is now 21/2 years since I found out and I have been in the limbo state, the I’m leaving then no imstaying state countless times. I have left for two – three weeks at a time going down to California to stay with my sister and have come home with the intention to be all in only to revert back to the fear, pain and anguish state.
    A month ago I felt I was truly committed to going all in sharing my heart and letting go of the resentments and rebuilding our marriage. I set up an appointment with my counselor so I could tell him that I was ready, lay out my needs and fears etc.. Once we were there all the triggers came flooding back, the tapes were flying in my head. I couldn’t do it. I was so angry at him and at myself for thinking that I was going to let him “get away with all the lies and betrayals” . I know intellectually that staying doesn’t mean condoning his behavior but I feel like I’m accepting it means I’m not honoring myself.
    My husband continued to lie about what really happened for a year. I had horrible evidence provided by her and he still lied and denied. I sought counseling, he made some gestures but nowhere near the amount that I was. So here I am tonight reporting that I am in fact leaving. I caught him in more lies. They weren’t about an affair they were just him breaking trust and not doing what he said he was going to do. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and comes from a very dysfunctional family. They knew about his affair, his sister allowed him to bring her to her house. They will give him pills and/or offer him alcohol. They all use some form of substance and think that there is nothing wrong with that. They tell him I am brainwashing him!!!
    My husband declared to myself, my counselor and his sponsor that he saw his family as toxic and detrimental to his recovery and our marriage. He said he wasn’t going to go around them as he felt he wasn’t strong enough to not get sucked back in to their unhealthy ways. He has repeatedly stated that he doesn’t see them and feels good about that. Well he set up Google latitude as a gesture of trust building and accountability. I looked at it yesterday for the first time. It has a history feature and shows all the destinations he’s been to. Well he has been going to his parents on average 5 days a week, his sisters house 2-3 times per week for the last 3 months!!!! He went there for Thanksgiving while I was in Cali and lied saying he was at home and didn’t want to go as they would all be drinking.
    This discovery has given me the revelation that he really hasn’t changed he is still actively living another life behind my back, looking me in the eye and lying on a regular basis and basically full of shit. He berated me that I don’t cheerlead all his changes and attempts to make me out as the unforgiving bitter wife while he’s still lying. He then said the same old thing he has throughout our marriage that he hides these things from me because he doesn’t want to fight and he can’t live under a microscope. REALLY??? One day remorseful says he knows he has a lot of proving to do and will wait as long as it takes for me to heal and trust him and meanwhile he’s sneaking around and packing resentments that he is being scrutinized.
    I am leaving. I’m putting all my things in storage here and taking my dogs and driving down to Cali and moving in with my sister and her husband. He says he will continue to pay our mortgage. I’m hoping an attorney friend of my counselor will be willing to write up a separation agreement that will include a clause stating that if he falls one month behind we will put the house up for sale. I’ve held on to the fear of losing my home and am now seeing it as only stuff. The OW has a cupcake store 1/4 mile from my house, I see her all the time and it is hell. I don’t want to live like this anymore. He’s shown me he doesn’t really respect me or value honesty. I am 53 and don’t want to be 63 and be in same place as I am now.
    I am scared and have no idea what lies ahead. I do know that I’m casting my net and need to have faith that my God has a plan for me and now that I’m getting out of trying to create the outcome and base my happiness on his willingness to change I will finally be free.
    I plan on being gone by the end of January. I’m selling some things, donating things I really don’t need and simplifying my life. I’m putting family things, my good furniture and things of that nature in storage. I’ve made lists, written affirmations, listed all the lies as a reminder as to why I’m doing this. Wow I’m really doing it. I’m going to be flat broke but won’t live with a man I can’t trust and constant triggers around me. I have to stay in the place that I’m allowing my life to move forward and that I will be alive again rather then just existing.
    Jewels I truly couldn’t have done this without you and all the women who have found this site. I will start posting again regularly as I’m going to need the support now more than ever.
    May 2012 bring all of us peace and healing.
    Warmly,
    Susan

  • REC December 30, 2011, 9:48 AM

    Let me first start by expressing my sympathy to Mitch for the loss of her friend, and with the stress of her sisters illness. Also let me say to the women who decided to leave their husbands… Know that YOU are ALL strong women, to make a decision that is the healthy decision for YOU!
    I too have daily triggers, being at 2 months since finding out, I know its not nearly as long as some of you have been dealing with it. I feel crazy one minute for staying, then I feel crazy the next for thinking about not staying. I want to trust my husband… I do with some aspects, But when hes at work, I dont, When he goes to the store alone, I dont, and He is now going to have a cell phone again, and that brings on a whole new ball of stress. ( the cell phone thing was my idea ) He was ok not having one until I was ready for him.. I feel if I dont start trusting him at some level, I will never be able to trust him on any level. Something I have been struggling with lately though is.. Since the A started, nearly 2 years ago, He was working in the produce section of his job… he was switched to a different dept about a year ago,..not saying nothing had happened at his job while he was in this other department because it did but , its a busier dept and he didnt have as much freedom to “disappear” as he did in the produce… He told me about a month and a half ago, they needed him to cover the produce for a week to cover vacations and such.. He was also told that ” they would be watching him” talking about his job performance…. as someone was leaving the dept soon… I told him I didnt feel comfortable with him being back in produce, and I would wonder and worry constantly about what he was doing…. He did the week, that he had to do.. and I was a mess.. He just told me he applied for the job that is going to be opening in produce… knowing how I felt and feel, knowing what I went through for that week… I feel sick to my stomach and he hasnt even interviewed for the job ( that happens tomorrow) Its an advancement, and I am proud that he has stepped up to apply to this to go up the ladder so to speak, but I also feel betrayed like he doesnt give a crap about how this is going to affect me…. Today is a day I think WHY? Why did he do this to me? Why did I choose to stay? Why didnt I go to her house and kick her sorry excuse for a woman ass? Why Why Why??? I pray that Karma finds her… I think about how she is living her life, without this emotional turmoil, But then… My H too…. I asked him if he thinks about this… He said he trys not to.. because it makes him sad how much he hurt me, and how he almost lost everything he had worth living for.. I wonder if the things he says are truthful… When he says Im sexy, Im beautiful, calls me pretty…. he NEVER EVER EVER said those things to me before…… I look the same… so what has changed? Why the words now? I feel they are a little too late…. They dont make me feel good, it makes me feel like he is lying to keep me pleased. I also told him no matter what, at what cost that he shouldnt lie… about anything, and then I sat with him one day and I being that I lost a good amount of weight… I asked him one of those forbidden questions… I asked him if it looks like I lost weight….. And before I give you his answer… I have to say truthfully if he would have said no, I would have been hurt, but knowing I HAVE, still makes me feel proud I have… And he said Yes, I can… So… me being me I asked him, Where can you tell? He said, well I dont know… So…. You lied to me… was my response, and he said, I didnt want to hurt your feelings…. But so lying to me is the better option?? Knowing that trust is at an all time low… You make it better by lying to me?? It broke my heart… I would have rather him had said… No, but I know you have and I am proud, then flat out lie to me, and then couldnt even back up his statement!!!!!! ARGHHH!!!! Im so darned frustrated… This is not a good day for me!

    I want to give a heartfelt welcome ( Sorry you have to be here) To the people I havent had the pleasure ( under these horrible circumstances) to talk to yet.. And I am sorry your spouse made lousy decisions also!! 🙁

    On a lighter note, I hope you all have a Blessed New Years, and Eat Black Eyed Peas on New Years Day!!!!!!

  • Georgia January 2, 2012, 11:28 AM

    Hello all. I am so grateful to have found this site. I have known about the affair for almost 2 1/2 years. Things have gotten better. I don’t have the constant sinking feeling in my stomach, I have hours that pass without thinking about it, and I can laugh when something is funny.
    My husband is and has been remorseful after being caught. He is willing to talk about it when I have brought it up. He went to counseling and actually set it up. So I guess he has been perfect except for that pesky cheating thing! We had been married for 20 years. Almost to the day when it happened. It was with a woman who works FOR him. She is in a different state which made it easy to hide. I took some of the blame in the beginning for not emotionally being there for him and not being a good cheerleader for his greatness. Then I remembered I was that and more before we got married but his telling me his family was never “like that” and weren’t “emotional people” made me stifle all of that towards him. So after I came to my senses I realized I may have walked to the bridge with him but I did not cross it, he did. I used to be all of what he said was missing but he didn’t want it to be like that. He changed the rules and didn’t tell me! NOT MY FAULT.
    I still have daily triggers. I guess this is how I found you all. Thank God! I hold out so much hope. We have my parents in the in law suite and my daughter had a beautiful son and is just getting back to finishing her degree. So to say I can focus on me is a stretch. I am not the same person. I don’t smile much, except with that baby. I quit my job cause really, who can deal with all of this and work? At least we don’t rely on my income, for this I am grateful.
    I guess it is noticeable that my mind is still rambling and I need to get it together. So glad to have found this forum!

  • JB January 2, 2012, 2:51 PM

    Georgia, you have found the right place. The support from Jewels and the other women here have been invaluable to me-huge in me healing for me and not only for my marriage. I hope you find the outlet you need here. I am also grateful to you – you give those of us here that did stay after an affair encouragement that it can work out if both parties want it to and work at it. I found out last fall about my husbands affair, and it is HARD to stay with someone that has hurt you so badly. We work daily on us, but most importantly I work daily on me- finding new things out about myself all the time. It is one of the few amazing things that has come out of one of the most horrible things to ever happen to me. This is a safe place to get your thoughts together.

  • LisaP January 3, 2012, 11:29 AM

    Georgia, It’s seems a lot of hit that 20yr mark almost to the day. What is it that 20yrs makes these men freak out? With my husband I know he missed his younger years and wanted to feel wanted again by a younger woman. He also worked with co worker (a man) who was never married had no kids and could do anything he wanted and he was SO JEALOUS!!!!!! He even told me during the whole blow up that he wished he was single! That hurt! He just threw our family away so he could feel single again. Never once thought of the fall out!
    I still have days that I do wished I divorced him, so I wouldn’t think so much about how he hurt me. but would I really not be thinking about that because every woman here thinks about it weather they stayed or left!

  • Georgia January 3, 2012, 1:14 PM

    Staying married or divorcing wouldn’t make it hurt any less or make me think about it less frequently, or so I think. My situation was that he said I didn’t appreciate him. On our anniversary he had balloons and candles and gifts and he even made an old fashioned mixed tape….now we had set the ‘RULE’ long ago that we didn’t exchange gifts and would not make a big deal of anniversaries or birthdays or even Christmas for each other. Fine. But don’t change that rule and not inform me and then get upset or hurt when I don’t do anything! Of course that wasn’t his only example of my emotional disconnect but none of that matters if he didn’t want to talk about any of it. I still say I was there, in the relationship, and felt many of the same things he did. I did not stray. I did not cheat. I did try to talk to him but he wasn’t a talk about emotions guy. I used to tell my friends and co workers about our great relationship. I thought we had one of the strongest marriages I knew of. Well all of the phone calls and texts with the OW shows he had something to sayto someone just not me. Yup…2 1/2 years and I still get so upset and angry. Perhaps therapy, again, is what I need.

  • LisaP January 3, 2012, 6:14 PM

    Georgia, I hate when they say they are not appreciated! It goes both ways, but because they are the man they need to be reassured that they are the one for us and a great provider. Until they feel they aren’t then they seem to take it in their own hands to feel it from someone else.. My marriage was sort of stagnant and I too did not stray, or cheat. I too thought we had a strong marriage even his sister thought so and made comments all the time. My husband doesn’t talk about emotions very much but did with the OW he told her all his secrets some I never was intended to find out but did. How can someone live two lives and think its ok?
    because my husband is in AA now he doesn’t feel he can talk about it because through AA you are suppose to release yourself from your sins and move on., while I still fester in my thoughts! I want counseling with him but he won’t talk about it anymore because he let it go (he confessed all to his AA group and a priest so he thinks things are OK with us.
    So I come here daily for my therapy through all you women, and you have all helped me slowly move forward with my thoughts and your guidance.

  • JB January 3, 2012, 11:10 PM

    Lisa P. I agree this site is wonderful therapy for all of us. It makes me feel good to tell my story, listen to others tell theirs, be able to reflect and see things in a new light, and know I am not alone in this hell hole of recovery. As women we feel so deeply- we are just wired that way- I think that is also why we are so willing to share this journey together- Thank you for always being there. I am grateful for all of you and your strength to move forward- with or without the marriages. It is a testament to just how POWERFUL women really are- Peace and Blessings

  • Bebe January 4, 2012, 9:22 AM

    So I am leaving in 5 days, tickets booked and everything. I don’t feel as sad as I did when I decided to leave. I found out in August 2011 that my husband was cheating on me and to this day I still don’t understand how he can do this to me and our kids. He say that he didn’t do this to our kids. But what he doesn’t realize is that our kids is affected by his actions because I am leaving. Back to another state, so therefore my kids would not be around their father. He also ruin our family, the foundation. And he said he didn’t do this to our kids.. Please.

    I am so scared… scared to start a new beginning without him. I know that in the long run that I will be fine. It’s just the scary part of not being able to let another man in my world. I can’t even see myself dating or even starting. I feel like the moment that I am no longer in the state, he will go to her. But to be honest that doesn’t bother me that much. I can’t lie and say that I am not bothered by it. But he’s gonna cheat regardless if I am near or far. Cause that’s exactly how it happen far away in another state.

    I am at a point where either he understand where I stand when it comes to this marriage or not. Either way he knows how what I want in this marriage and what I need from him. I know things don’t just change overnight. And I know ways and habits don’t just change when I want it to. But wouldn’t it make things better if we can just make it happen right away 🙂

    Anyways, even though I am scared I am also very excited at the same time. Excited about heading back home where I have my family and friends. Where I was raised my whole life. My family and friends make it easier for me because they can’t wait for me to come home. I know a lot of women feel like they are in this alone, but when you start to share your story with others. You’ll be surprised at the responses that you will get. There’s a lot of infidelity, but some people just choose to not talk about it. It’s funny because my husband made a comment yesterday that “everyone knows” with a kinda annoyed voice. And I snapped back at him and said “well I didn’t do shit wrong, so I don’t mind telling people”. And he was kinda mad and said “well I don’t care what people think”. Yeah sure you don’t. Thank god for a site like this. I can vent to you ladies because you can feel my pain and what I am going through. I want to commend every women on this site!! It takes a lot to stay or leave when it comes to cheating. It prove how strong we are as one and how strong we are together!!! I wish all of you the best and may this year be a better and happier one.

  • Ella January 4, 2012, 3:25 PM

    Good for you Bebe — you will do great. I’m happy you have chosen a path and are so strong. Wow — I think about leaving still – -and my D-day was in March. I’m having a BAD trigger day — Valentine’s Day is coming and he was having his affair during this time last year. I’m so depressed and will be for the next few months. Trying to hold it together — but then I hear your story and you can start a new life — I know it’s scary — but it’s yours. And you get to make it how you want it. I sometimes think what I’m left with…..and that is scary too. Nothing feels right — staying nor leaving. It’s so weird….even after almost a year. Your husband’s comments about he doesn’t care about what people think — my husband used to say that about other things in life — and I threw that one back in his face during my discover phase — I said — “I know you say that you don’t care about what other people think — I guess that’s good for you….. so what do you care about? What do you think about you? What does God think about you? Is this how you want to be known — a liar and a cheater — someone who went with another man’s wife? A 9-year old child’s mother? And now the husband knows and so he will be telling everyone he knows about how you tried to ruin a family” (not to mention ours of course). He sat silent. They are lying when they say it…..and it will give them food for thought. So you go girl! Good luck with your move and let us know how it goes. We will be thinking about you and your journey.

  • REC January 4, 2012, 3:32 PM

    Georgia, Welcome… and I say that with a heavy heart, makes me truly sad there is so much infidelity happening.. as Bebe said.. LisaP.. I dont think any of them really think about the consequences or really care what they are at the time… I know my husband stated he didnt care, didnt think about what would happen…Told me all his conversations with her.. working up to what did take place was done with patience because at that time he had nothing but time.. time to see if there was going to go any further and now will tell me he was stupid to ever think there was anyone better than me… that truly the grass is not greener on the other side… and although I LOVE hearing him tell me that I mean the world to him now… it still hurts that he threw our marriage to the dogs for what? Having sex with someone else TWICE? sex that they both stated sucked… ( I will never know if it truly did or not) but that doesnt matter to me anymore.. as it once did. He did admit to me he would have never had anything more than a physical relationship with her, I truly dont know that… He also said the night he broke it off, he knew he screwed up BIG time… where he didnt feel that way for the whole year he was telling her our personal business, or even after the first time he had sex with her.. I dont know…. I had my last breakdown on his birthday… which was the 2nd… made me think how lucky HE was that I am still with him… because I know I am a good person, and he almost lost ME… Bebe… I wish you the best of luck… I dont know if I am stronger or weaker staying… or just as strong….. I know I love my husband… I know counseling has helped me… Although we go there he doesnt have much to say unless the counselor asks him directly… I have too much to say I feel… always have a problem or an issue I want to talk about… I give my H time to talk, and he sits there, so I fill the time with myself. I do wish my husband would communicate more, as that was a BIG problem with this…

  • Bebe January 5, 2012, 10:54 AM

    Ella & REC,

    Thanks you ladies for commending me. I too should pat myself on the back for actually leaving so that I can sort my thoughts and feelings out. It’s hard at times you know? His actions cause so much pain for me and he see’s it too. Yet after the affair, he still was lying. The part that I think I can’t bare is that the OW is pregnant. And she will never be out of my life if I choose later on that I want to work things out. I honestly don’t have hatred against the other women. I just have no respect for her. She knew he was married with kids yet that never stop her. It’s funny because believe it or not. This will come back to bite her in the ass and when it does I am def going to cheers to that :)!!!

    Ella, See the thing with men is that they swear up and down that they don’t care what people think about them. But so quick to fight the next man that say something bad about them. It’s all BS to me, I just think he said that out of anger because I snapped at him, haha. Don’t you just wanna slap some sense into them? It would be nice :). And it’s so painful when the D Day is around the Holidays or on a certain holiday. Because when those events comes around you think about it, well at least I do. It makes it hard to enjoy those holidays…

    REC, it takes a lot to stay or leave. Either way your still strong for even dealing with this type of mess. It’s funny how bad situations like this always hit up when we don’t expected it right? I believe at the time he didn’t really think about the outcome when he was having his affair. And I do believe he now knows that karma is a bitch. Because he cheated, the OW is pregnant and to top it off his family is leaving him. So yeah, this should be a big LIFE LESSON for this 23 years old ass :). I am just the by stander in this journey of life for him. And thanks you for your kind words. I will try my best to be a better person and mother because of this. I will set a big example for my kids. I want my little girl to understand that when a man ain’t treating you right, you don’t have to stick around and deal with his BS. I hope this year will be a better one for you my dear!

  • Mitch January 11, 2012, 5:04 AM

    Hi Girls and a better 2012 to us all!
    Firstly, thanks to you girls for your kind words on my friend Rosie’s passing. My sister got her all clear on her scan last week so that takes a load off my mind for now as i did not know how I was going to cope with another bad year,emotionally!
    Rec and Lisa P.. you guys are constantly writing and it’s always good to read. i suppose at the end of the day we can all say we are just reading our own stories over and over again as technically they are one and the same! To all you ladies who have decided to go out on your own… you are doing what we wish we could be doing!!! I too am 44 so I guess none of us are spring chickens. We seem to be in the same state financially which really is what keeps us here but then again sometimes I wonder are we just scared to go out on our own and start again with nothing as that is what i would have to do. My house is not worth selling at this time and wont be for a long time so no point us splitting everything is two as both of us would have nothing. The fact that we would probably not get another mortgage also holds me back as where do i want to be at 60? But then again what is this all about? Do I stay because of the security? I certainly know that I would not have enough money at 60 to be paying a big rent and probably wouldn’t have a job much longer after that so where would that leave me if I left now? I know, it really is stupid reasons at the end of the day but I think security counts for a lot and does hold me back. I had another discussion the other day about the affair and just asked my husband for once and for all to please be honest…. but seems he just can’t and that is what will always leave doubt in my mind. he can say he has moved on and forgotten her and she wasn’t that important but hey… she was important enough to have a long distance relationship, daily emails, texts etc, and eventually sex with her and now suddenly she is forgotten. Why do they think we are sooo stupid? ok maybe I am stupid… i must be somewhat to have never once clicked that he may have been having an affair and that angers me sooo much.. how was I so blind????? I told him that every night I go to sleep I pray that the next day please don’t let me think out this.. just once.. yet every day I awake to the same questions! My eyes aren’t even open and my brain is going 90 miles an hour! argh!! I have no-one to talk to and it just bugs the shits of me that he seems to think it it all ok.. doesn’t have to talk about it… it is all over and done with! how does he get to sleep so soundly?? I look at him from time to time and wonder how does he not see the hurt he has caused me? how can he be so oblivious? It’s like he has relaxed again and back to normal marriage.. no more kiss goodnight… no more random hugs… is he bored again? Will he start looking her up again? Of course he says he won’t but did we not end up in a bad situation because I wasn’t paying enough attention to him.. praising him enough? I do know that he still seems to think he was not at fault for straying…it was me berating him, putting him down etc etc etc .. he does know it was wrong but not what lead up to it. Georgia had a great analogy… we both walked up to the bridge… I didn’t make him cross it. As she said we both were not happy, argued etc but did I go off with someone else???? No!!!!!!! I guess at the end of the day.. he won’t tell me the truth…. i did learn he had met her the year before when he said he hadn’t so once again doubt is in my mind because I will never know the truth. Jewels, I know you said I never will and I can’t control that but I just can’t get over that… not knowing… or when Is something else going to come up that is why I just wish once and for all he would tell me!!!!!!! I hate living with this awful feeling every day… it is horrible.. I try to be nice and loving but I just don’t believe his affections.. I just can’t! As he lied so many times I just keep thinking this is another lie and how many of the years before has he been lying and is it easier for him to stay than go.. financially that’s just how we are at the moment! You know you girls in the US should try make a plan and meet up somewhere… i would surely do so if I was there as I would love to meet you all!!! So once again I have had a rant… sorry… but i know you all understand and thanks for being there… my only outlet to this horrible horrible mess! x

  • REC January 11, 2012, 10:00 AM

    Ok, yesterday was a BAD day for me… I KNEW going into counseling, I was going to walk out of there mad as a rat without cheese. And I was right.. Although I dont think my husband is cheating again, and I honestly hope what he says about never wanting to have that feeling again is true… ( although I have doubts ) I will tell you about my day because I dont think anyone else will truly understand!
    I will back the story up a couple of weeks My H was at work, and he called me to tell me a “disturbing” conversation he had with a female coworker. This coworker is a bit heavier than myself, and I guess she started using a C pap machine to help her breathe at night.. She approached my husband and started talking about the machine. My H who also uses one got involved in a convo with her. Then she went to an area of her department ( they dont work in the same department) which she couldnt fit before, my h said to her..” I remember when you couldnt fit through there, you must of lost weight, good for you” (umm… Ok) She confirmed, then started to tell him personal stuff about a rash she gets under her belly from being heavy and what she does for it… my h commented about that I had that once before and what I did for it.. (REALLY?????) Ok, so when he first called me I was like yeah ok, whatever… then I thought about it.. for 2 weeks… and then the crap hit the fan….. I BLEW UP! told him that was BS, how dare he have such a personal convo with another female, why was he telling her my personal business, Why did he feel the need to notice she lost weight? (Especially since I have been losing and he doesnt say a WORD to me) OMG!!! so…. Moving on to Yesterday, we went to counseling… this subject was brought up and the counselor told my H that because this was a trigger for me, conversations he has with other females should be ” not told to me” Ummm… excuse me, Are you telling my husband it is OK to have personal conversations with women, and NOT tell me… I WAS FLOORED!!!! Personal conversations with another female is what started him down the road and eventually led him to CHEATING! I wanted to walk out, but knew it wouldnt do any good… BUT, perhaps I am wrong in my feeling this way, but I feel perhaps my H should NOT be having these conversations in the first place. There is NO need for him to comment on a womans weight, that means hes looking at her body enough to notice… There is NO need for him to tell another woman my personal business.. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! and the counselor didnt get it… and my H just sat there and said nothing…. But in the car he said, I agree with you, I should have never had that convo, and I will try very hard not to be drawn into any other, especially when it starts getting that personal… Then I sat the whole car ride home wondering if he was just giving me lip service, and will he still talk whatever and really not tell me… ARGH!
    Mitch, I have to honestly say I stayed because my H showed true remorse, answered all my questions, and I mean ALL, took almost a month, but I got everything I think I could possibly have gotten from him… Even now I dont ask him questions so frequently, yesterday being the first in about a month… I do have one very important question that I dont think he answers me honestly about, I asked him what were his feelings for her, he answers nothing but friendship, but for a year and a half, you talked to this girl, told her lies, and truths to obtain sympathy from her, which eventually in that year and a half led to touchy feely crap, which eventually led to a couple of intercourse sessions, (after the first was when he wanted to end it) calling her, to meet up with her, so you could end it, but before you end it you have intercourse with her again, then tell her its over? Why would anyone feel the need to tell someone face to face it was a mistake to start something, if you didnt feel something beyond friendship? He said he felt she deserved a face to face “break up” Why I ask? and I truly never got an answer I can believe. I am sorry you feel unable to leave, if you wanted to, due to financial issues. I am 36 and actually bring home more money than my H does. it would have been a struggle, but I could have managed, I dont own a home, I rent, and the rent in the area I live is very high.. for what the area pays in wages. I do have 2 young children to think about, and I cannot honestly say they didnt impact my decision, If it had just been me, there wouldnt be a marriage right now. I do know that, but they werent the only reason.. For every major decision in my life, I sit and do a Pro Con list, and I try and make my decision based on that, sometimes I still do the opposite because I can, but this situation was no different and the Pros definitely out numbered the Cons.
    I do love my husband, and I know he loves me, and he is tolerating my outbursts, which usually come from triggers, not always. He said he F’ed up. He hurt me, he has to live with knowing that he did this. and he will take whatever he needs to from me, because he caused it. I wish he thought about this as much as I do… he does say he thinks about what he almost lost… told me the grass was definitely not greener, he doesnt know what he was thinking or why he felt it was ok to do what he did.
    I cannot express enough how thankful I am for you ladies…

  • LisaP January 11, 2012, 10:58 AM

    REC, I too sometimes don’t believe the things my husband says. But we are not them and most of the time we can tell when the really do lie! We don’t know what goes on in their brains as they are totally wired differently than us. My H also said he will have to live with his mistakes the rest of his life and I do think he will because he was crying when he said it. I too also did the pros and cons list and had it in my drawer for a month and kept adding to it. I even told my husband about it because at that time I still didn’t know what I wanted to do. My husband wanted to read them so I let him and now he keeps them in as AA binder as a reminder of how he hurt me. He understands my feelings about everything at that time. There were not nice things I wrote and a lot of angry too.
    About the security issue that played a lot of in my decision as well. It is something you can not get away from. Im 48yrs old have 9yr left on a mortgage and no job. Two Autisic adult sons and a husband with a great income and we do have a beautiful home and live in CA. Was I going to throw this all away? In the begining HELL YES! But as the days went bye my anger subsided a little but will never really go away and we decided we still loved each other enough to fight for our marriage. Next month will be 24yrs I never thought I was going to make it too 20yrs. We are making it an effort now to be together even if it’s just going to HomeDepot for to the grocery store.

  • Mitch January 11, 2012, 11:34 AM

    Hey Rec..and Lisa P

    Rec, I really feel for you in your session! You are sooo right… he should not be discussing such personal details.. maybe the other woman feels comfortable enough to blab about her situation but he should not be swopping your personal information! I am not saying it is right he listened to her but i do know some women who just talk and blurt out stuff they think is ok when it really isn’t appropriate.. so we cant say he shouldn’t have listened but can say he should not have responded! As you said funny how he noticed she lost weight and not you! I think nowadays any slight trigger will set us off.. even if he has zero interest in the woman at work.. why did he notice her weight? We question everything and that’s how it’s gonna be from now on! Your therapist sounds ridiculous saying he shouldn’t tell you about these conversations… does that not mean he is then condoning them??? eh….. yea!!!! I too would have been going mental and I probably would have walked out so good for you for staying! Lip service… hmm… yes… probably our latest addition to our cheating vocabulary because now we question everything that is said and wonder is it true or is he just saying that to keep me quiet???? regarding seeing the OW to end it… i agree with all you are saying. Like my situation how can anyone who has had a relationship with someone else just think it is over because they now say it is over? Do they reeeeeally think we are that stupid? I say put myself in your position and i get caught out and have to end it.. do i just say it’s over and all feelings are gone?..eh.. no… we are not that mechanical and neither are they and this is the reason I feel i do not get the truth as I too do not get the answer I believe or want to believe. So we ask ourselves why do we ask all these questions.. then they answer them and we still don’t believe them!??? I thinks its because we do know when they are not telling the truth. I don’t believe the crap of i don’t want to say any more to hurt you.. how could i be any more hurt than i am now… it’s just not physically or mentally possible.. believe me! I keep playing over in my mind when i found out should I have done things differently? Should I have thrown him out and not spoken to him for ages? Maybe that way he would have actually felt what he has lost or realised the pain he caused because i do feel that he not being “punished” has left him to carry on like nothing has happened! I guess I just want to see the remorse on his face.. i want to know he is thinking constantly about how he hurt me… but all I get is everything but!!! His world continues as if not even a hiccup occurred and that angers me more than anything else.. the fact that I do not see the remorse! Maybe that’ why I keep bringing things up so i get some reaction as some is better than none! I feel I want to tear my hair out in frustration of getting him to show something! Yes, he is sorry, yes he is sad about the pain he caused, yes he does try somewhat but mostly it’s because of the little things I hint at! So why doesn’t he seem able to do the little random things on his own? Is it because it just doesn’t matter enough because that is how I see it!!! Why must I always ask him to do something for me and then when he does i say it’s only because i said so… arggghhh… frustration……….
    As for finances.. i know that is not the only reason I stay. I stayed because I really do love him.. more than anything.. yet I keep asking myself why? I have never come first and never will and yet here I stay… hoping that one day I will! I too did not want to upset the family by leaving.. yes my kids are older as in 20 years old.. but we have always had a pretty good family and they would be very sad… i keep thinking of the family holiday we plan to go on to Disney in October.. a family holiday he should have been on with us 2 years ago but once again chose not to and went off to the other country alone… of course now we know why! So, yes, I try and keep the family together and i love being here with him but at the same time i hate him sooooo much and i hate her as much as that stupid cow gets to deal with none of this. I would love to destroy her world like she destroyed mine and mark my words that I will meet her one day! It will be civilised but I want to see her face to face and meet the person who did this to me!!!!!!
    Lisa… your situation is also difficult with two autistic children and you were right not to throw it all away. You know.. we only have one life to live.. we don’t get to come back and do it all again perfectly. If we didn’t love them we wouldn’t be here but by god it’s bloody hard and instead of each day getting better it seems to get harder. Do I have to hit another rock bottom before i get up again? Who knows but for now it’s each day as it comes and that’s all there is to it. Can’t change it.. can’t fix it.. can’t make it all disappear.. all we can do is try amend it! x

  • DawnD January 12, 2012, 2:22 AM

    Hi Ladies,
    Your stories have helped me so much over the past several months. I found out my husband of almost 16 years had been having several affairs last October. This was hell for me. Especially how I found out. I was woken up by his phone vibrating one night, repeatedly. I reached over to shut it off and saw a text message that didn’t make much sense, so I opened it up and started reading. Within 5 minutes, I had his phone in the bathroom & mine and was reading & taking pictures of the text messages to many women. I was shaking & crying & horrified as I realized that he had had them at our house, on days when we had sex, while I was working, while I was out with our 4 kids doing things. He had even texted them about sex while laying in bed with me. Then, after reading a huge chunk of this I realized that the next day was Monday & I had to be at school in less than 4 hours. I teach elementary school. So I totally compartmentalized it, went into one of my daughter’s rooms & sat praying till the kids started waking up. I really don’t even remember that school day, other than I made it through it. I also wrote substitute plans for Tuesday, since I knew we had our monthly marriage counseling & I had already put in for a sub. That night, I pretended to be asleep when my husband got home, around 10:30- he didn’t go to work till 1:00pm. Then after he was asleep, I got his phone & started exploring. I found that he had another email, one that I didn’t even know existed. That he had accounts with more than 5 online dating/hook up services. That 2 of the relationships had been going on at least 9 months. I was beyond shocked & shaken. I confronted him the next day at counseling. At first he denied it and then I pulled out the 20+ pages of pictures I had taken and printed of the texts, literally hundreds & emails. He got pissed and said fine I did, whatever. I was shaken, yelling & told him he couldn’t come home and the counselor intervened and said I couldn’t kick him out & we had to talk about this. I replied that this was a huge deal breaker, we were looking at affairs with over 10 different people, 2 of them long term. I read the horrible things he said about me & the outright lies, like we were just roommates, not really married, etc… She said we needed to talk about it more. We left and I wouldn’t talk to him during the week, he slept on the punch & I spent the weekends with all 4 kids at my best friend’s house. So for the next 3 weeks, I went with him to counseling & as she tried to get us to reconcile, that’s what he wanted. He refused to move out, started working on actually finishing all his unfinished remodel projects, started cooking & cleaning & literally being the model dad. However, he never apologized and in counseling, he blamed the affairs on me. See, the year before, I had separated from him because he was blowing up at the kids and he hit our 6th grade son. I moved out with all four kids for 2 &1/2 months. He said that was when all this started, because I left him. He even spent part of New Years Eve with one of the women. The whole reason I had left was to get him to work on his anger management & depression issues. He has had these for years and had taken meds for about 5 years but been off them & quit going to counseling about 6 months before I moved out. So in his mind he was justified. The worst part is that after we got back together last year, he constantly brought up the intimacy issue, because I din;t have sex with him the first 2 months we were back together & the counselor also made me feel bad about not trusting him. Then after we started having sex, I thought he was having an affair, due to some weird Facebook messages. He acted like I was crazy, my mom & sisters had taken his side during that first separation. They thought I was over reacting & suspicious. That was until I found out the truth this October. However, some of the messages date before October. That changed their minds, my mom called me the day I was going to counseling & she knew something was wrong. I told her to pray & my suspicions, she said to give him the chance to explain. After the session, I went to her house & cried, ranted, and showed her some of the messages. I didn’t show her the pictures he had sent of himself & received from the women. Thank God I never found the video footage of their escapades, the emails discussed them filming themselves, in my bedroom. The whole thing was absolutely horrifying. I literally trashed my sheets, bought a new mattress pad & pillow, switched to sheets I haven’t used in years, etc…
    I looked up dealing with affairs n the internet & came across this site, it has helped so much. I found it the day I had to go through a full blown medical screening and tests, because he admitted that all of his affairs had been unprotected. The counselor asked that questioned, I never even thought of it. That was a bad day, I think I cried about 3/4 of the time I was at the doctor’s office, then she said she saw at least one person who was in my situation each week. This made me sad for humanity. She also said she hoped I was a lucky one who wound up with a clean report, everything was, except I have to be retested for HPV, due to abnormal results. I will also have to be retested for HIV every year fro a while, because it can pop up after. We know I was clean before, because I had a full screening each time I was pregnant. This part sucked a lot.
    Anyway, living together has been h—. We have 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls, aged 5-12. They know things are bad, they have watched him yell and gripe at me because I won’t even ride in the same car as him. They have heard him say, “You’re the one who won’t work this out” to me. They also see him on the couch, he refused to have the boys share a room, so he could have a room. I told him he couldn’t see anyone else, he had to go to counseling each week, he joined a sex addiction support group, etc… But still, I don’t trust him. He says things like “I bought we could work through anything…” I feel like this we can’t. I worked through the loss of our first child with him. I went on to have 4 more kids with him. I worked through lots of porn issues & him looking at stuff all the time & being depressed & verbally abusive to me & the kids, when he went on meds it didn’t happen. I worked through him losing it the year before, because I saw the remorse he had with the kids & my oldest, the one he hit once asked if we could let him come back home. But now, I just don’t love him. I think al the other things tested the marriage, but finding this out broke my love for him. I had never tout this would happen to me. I thought I was such a strong women & that he just wasn’t that kind of person.
    I think what finally helped was when I saw some of my best friends from college for a girls weekend at the beginning of November. They have all been through divorces from their college sweethearts. Two of them had been cheated on, they other one just grew apart- none had kids. They were so helpful and said, look at how you’ve changed, you’re the one who grew up. You took care of him and the kids. He acted like a kid, and he isn’t really the same man you married. It was so helpful to see their perspective. We live in separate cities & countries and only get together once a year, but talk all the time. I realized that they had been worried for me for a long time, but they also couldn’t believe he would do that.
    When I got home after 3 days, I was renewed & had the courage to force the divorce. Unlike many of you, I am able to afford it. It won’t be easy, but all my lawyer fees and covered by the Teacher’s Union I belong too, so it will be free. He agreed to not contest & so far to everything I have asked for. While we still have a house payment, it’s to my parents. We bought the house from them, and we owe what the house is worth now, due to the market crash & they let us fall behind the last year when we were separated- so it’s a wash. We don’t have tons of debt, but it won’t be easy. In November, he finally realized I was actually going through with the divorce. I submitted the first set of paperwork to the lawyer. He got so mad he blew up at me after church, he was yelling how if I hadn’t left a year ago, this wouldn’t have happened. Then he said, look at all I’ve done around the house the past month. He had done all these projects that had been half done or needed to be done for several years. This only made me more upset, I accidentally said “Yeah, it’s amazing what you can accomplish during the day when you don’t have a girlfriend.” He threatened to go in and tell the kids that I was making him get a divorce, I said that wasn’t ok, he threatened to tell them what he had done & I stood in his way and told him to get out of the house. Then he walked out, quit his job and drove across the country to Oregon where his parents live- with only what he was wearing. My little sister went nuts when she found out & called his parents & told them all he had done, then my mom called them and apologized for her call. Then my mom called me & told me, so I emailed them and said that we were separated & Brian had the right to tell them what was going on, not me, he is their son. Then when he told his parents, somehow he decided to come back. His dad told him he had to make it right somehow for the kids. I’m not really close with them & neither is he, but I know that they call me regularly to make sure I & the kids are ok and have enough to live on. However, we lost our health insurance & his income. So I had to spend all my savings, just making it through the holidays. There were days where reading this blog helped me realize that I was not the only one going through this pain. So thank you to al who have posted. Your posts helped me get through seeing him lay on the couch & not help around the house in December or with the kids. They helped me keep my mouth shut when he and the kids were around & make it through the stress of the holidays.
    He finally got a job, it started last week. He actually was offered 2 different ones, but chose the one where he made more since I pointed out that he needed a job where he could live off what he made after he paid child support. Then he cashed in his 401K, got a lot of money, which I took a 1/3 of. He’s mad, but I said that technically I could have taken half.
    The legal paperwork keeps going back & forth, but my lawyer said we should be ready to file before the end of the month. She also said it was good he was working again since the child support will be based off his current salary. I just feel sad & frustrated still. I feel so betrayed, my life will never be right, the kids won’t either & I keep thinking why did he think any of this would be ok. Why did he ever think it would be ok? I also get really mad because he has quit helping around the house & only watches the kids when I flat out tell him he has too. He also tries to guilt trip me into participating in things as a family, that’s the only time he really shows a desire to be around the kids. He even had a pout fest on Christmas and refused to come do presents for over 45 minutes, because earlier that day I had taken the kids to my older sister’s house for lunch & presents & he wasn’t invited. In fact, my older sister said she would have her husband kick him out if he showed up. At least she is supportive towards me. My mom and little sister say they support me, but also say they still love him and want him to make a full recovery from his issues of addiction. My mom also says she loves him as God’s child and as the father of her grandchildren, since that is what she has to do. It really pisses me off, I finally told her I don’t want to hear it. Instead of a really supportive family, I have some amazing supportive friends. They help out with the kids, making me get out without the kids for a break every now & then. One of them even took my kids Christmas shopping to get things for me, she paid for it. My best friend’s mom, I’ve know her since I was 8, will ask all 4 of my kids to sleepover with her own grandkids & tell us to go out. She even joked about a hit man. I am just so ready for it to be over, but it really won’t ever be over. We share 4 beautiful kids, while I get full custody- he will have visitation. Both my boys have figured out he had an affair, they overheard him yelling at me that day in November. I’m just scared about the future, I will be a single mom with 4 kids at 36, I turn 37 in 5 months. I’m freaking out about my oldest going through puberty. I’m really scared about choices he might make. Anyhow, we are all getting counseling starting this month, got insured through my work for me & because teacher’s salaries are so low- my kids are on medicaid. The insurance through the state teacher’s department is about $600 per month, per dependent. So I had to apply for help, I was also make $10,000 below the cutoff for it. I felt really bad, until one of my friends pointed out that medicaid was meant for situations like mine, emergencies. I had never planned to need it, I had a disaster & it changed my whole life. I told her thanks, then she said she would rather have my kids on it than anyone else. Once he has been at his new job for 6 months, he has agreed to put the kids on his plan. I hope he is not lying and will follow through.
    Still through all of this, I don’t regret marrying him. I love my kids, they are my pride and joy. Even the oldest who is pushing every boundary right now. I just regret that I didn’t find out last year, before I went back. However, I think living on my own with the kids full time last year helped prepare me. I know I can make it, I know I can do this. I will survive.
    Regardless of if you choose to stay or leave, I get so much from your posts. We all share this, and reading about your experiences make things better for me. I think I might have stayed had it only been one affair, one time, or one person. It’s just all the things he got into broke my heart & killed the love.
    I have so many doubts, so many people who are joint friends have no idea, because I’m not saying anything until it’s final. I have suffered a lot of questions from people at church because we don’t sit together & I quit wearing my wedding ring. The judgement from others is so hard, because I still feel frustration. Why did he do this? Why was I not enough? Why & when did his sex addiction start, is that really even valid for his bad choices? What if he doesn’t get help or quits going? What if he doesn’t step up for the kids? So many fears & questions. I just know that I have to stay strong. I did not choose to cross the bridge and have the affair? I have to listen to my heart & what I believe God is telling me to do. I have to make the healthy choice for my kids. I know they deserve to live in a house free from fighting and anger. So I am making him leave. It will be hard, but new mantra is I will survive.

    • Jewels January 13, 2012, 1:20 AM

      Hello Dawn,

      Welcome to the site. What a story. Interesting your husband says it’s your fault for leaving for 2 months. News Flash for him – leaving for two months was for him to focus on his anger issues, not an excuse to have sex with various women. Plus he did stop once you came back, if it was truly because you left, then when you came back it would of stopped – but he didn’t. It’s not your fault, he is projecting that because he doesn’t want to face his own truth.

      You are not alone for him not using condoms, most stories I have heard, men do not use condoms when cheating, and it is so sad because I know many women who have gotten STD’s from it. They just do not think when having affairs.

      I can not believe he just quit his job like that!! It’s great to hear he got a new one!

      Girlfriend love – it’s the best. I am glad you found the support you were looking for, sometimes family just don’t get it.
      I know you are worried and not ready to share with the world, this was tough for me as well. Yes people will judge and say things, but they don’t know your story, so most are saying things out of a place of ignorance. Just tell yourself that if you hear anything negative lol!

      4 kids – isn’t it interesting how you mentioned the time you spent alone prior was preparing you to be confident enough to leave with 4 kids. I only have 2 and I was scared to leave and raise kids on my own – but I am doing it – as women I think our minds and bodies can adjust in amazing ways!

      I sense you are worried about your kids, especially your son. Maybe he can go to counseling? Try to read some books on divorce and kids, is this the same one that your husband hit? The number one problem kids have with divorce is that they blame themselves for the divorce. But they won’t tell you that, so you have to watch and observe, especially the one that got hit, I am sure he is harboring some serious emotion around feeling that because dad hit me, we had to move out, and that caused the divorce. Really watch him, there is a book that I recommend called Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, I like it because it breaks down how kids will react by age group, I highly recommend it. All kids will feel this way, you have to constantly remind then that the decision was mommy and daddy’s and has nothing to do with them, that will will show you how. Best of luck to you, I hope you are much happier!!

  • LisaP January 12, 2012, 11:19 AM

    DawnD, I think your husband has more than addiciton problems. My husband tried to blame me also for all his wrong doings. He was just so lost in all that he was doing that he never thought about his actions until it was too late. If your husband is not in a 12step program for his addition he won’t get better. He may also have other issues a medical person can find. Bi-polar is something that really can upset a persons behavior. At least your father-in-law told him to be a man and get a job and take care of his family one way or another. Iam really glad you found your strength to move on. It was a difficult decision but you can do this. You have already proven it to yourself that you can. Your children will be fine in the long run, thru therapy and your love all will be. I still can’t believe that your therapist was not even understanding how upset you were when he flat out denied everything in front of both of you. That would have done it for me too, I would have walked because your in therapy to save the marriage and he is lying and destroying it at the same time. How does one do that and think it is ok?
    If he doesn’t get the help he needs you still will have problems with everything he says and does. But you are not his babysitter so he needs to do this by himself.
    This site is a God send, I only wished I came across it 5yrs ago in my deepest darkest time. So that is why I am here now for other women just like me needing support and guidance.

  • Susan January 12, 2012, 12:43 PM

    Hi ladies,
    I have been reading all your posts and since I posted that I was leaving I haven’t gotten any feedback. Maybe I’m over sensitive but I was really hoping for some support. So with that said Jewels should I just stop posting? I’m very confused

  • LisaP January 12, 2012, 2:53 PM

    Susan, I am so sorry I must have missed your post. I am so proud of you taking that leap of faith and going out on your own. I too was in turmoil for 2-3yrs was on the mend in 3 &4yrs only to have him cheat on me again. Ugh!!!!! But I stayed only because he wanted help for his addictions. He finally took the actions I was looking for for all those years. Your husband on the other hand doesn’t seem like he is in an AA program but just saying he is. He needs to be going to meetings twice a week and church too. His family is not helping but bring him down deeper and deeper. Its seems you are in a happier place too by finally making up your mind about all of this. In the end you will know that you did the right thing. I wish you the best of luck, and please keep us posted.

    • Jewels January 12, 2012, 11:05 PM

      Hello Susan,

      Keep posting I am still here!! I know you asked the question in general to all the ladies, but I think it might be a good time to explain why you have not see me post as much. I am VERY much behind in responding to posts, no doubt about it. I do get overwhelmed with all the comments at times, and sometimes they get missed. I am trying to finish up some projects for the site, but I haven’t even been able to do that this week. I am not sure if you know, but I have a full time job, so the only time I can do any posting on the site is at night from about 10pm (after the kids are in bed and I finish showering/cleaning) until 1am. Earlier this week I called myself trying to catch up from last week, stayed up until 2am posting (and still did not get to respond to everyone), and then my son woke up at 4:30 am and would not go to sleep!! Because I only had 2.5 hours, the next couple of days my body would not let me stay up and write…..and each day I get more and more behind…

      Yesterday my computer was having issues so I was on the support phone for almost 3 hours, and once again after the call I was too tired to write…..I just can’t catch up!

      The site has grown to hundreds of people visiting a day, which is wonderful, but unfortunately this means that I might not be able to respond as much, which is something I am trying to understand and deal with. I am SO thankful to ladies like LisaP, JB, Ella, Bebe and all other ladies who have helped in responding to the new visitors during the day, it is because of you that the site is a community).

      So here is what I have tried to do, if anyone writes suicidal (which happened twice this week), I write to them first, then I try to write people that are new to the site to make sure they get at least 1 response from me (which I am working on tonight), then I try to respond to posts like this one that is pretty active. Sometimes there is so much activity, by the time night hits, quite a few ladies have already posted and interacted so I do not respond.

      I hope I don’t come off complaining, I am so thankful to everyone that posts, I am just going through an adjustment period where I am trying to handle the growing activity on the site, my schedule, and working on things that I know will help more women.

      You are not the only person that has asked about activity when they do not get a response. As far as the other ladies responding, it’s a couple of things. Sometimes people’s comments get buried with all the other comments so it gets missed by accident, which is what I think happened. There are times where activity is slow, it could happen for a day or a few days, that happens as well sometimes, but I can confidently say it’s not done on purpose.

      NOW TO THE EXCITING PART of my ramblings lol!! – Not that I should ever be excited that one is leaving a marriage, but for some reason in reading your post, I literally got excited for you. I think it’s because I have gotten to know you so well from the site, I know how hard you have worked to recovery from the pain. I read you say that you were afraid of foreclosure, but now you see it as stuff. It’s amazing how much ‘stuff’ plays into our decisions and our lives. Your statement tells me you have progressed in a HUGE way. Let me tell you, I have foreclosure on my record because of this, I was so so scared of it happening, so nervous of what people might say – but you know what, once it happened, and I realized that life goes on and it’s really not as big of a deal as I thought, I was freed, freed from the emotional tie I had to the status of my credit rating, it actually turned into a liberating time when I thought it would shatter me. Susan I have found an inner peace through this journey and the reason I am excited is that I see that you are about to embark on that same path in leaving and moving in with family. Remember to look forward more than you look back!

      To everyone reading this post, although I might not respond to every post, know that I think about you, I value you and although you might not know it, with each and every post, you are progressing in your journey! – Jewels

      “The journey between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place.”
      Barbara DeAngelis

  • Mitch January 13, 2012, 4:52 AM

    Susan.. I am truly sorry for not responding to your letter. I did read it but what happens is I read it on my hotmail and then there are always another 3 or 4 at the same time. By the time I get to go post on the site so many more are on and you do forget to personalize a response! I had mentioned it in general in my post that I really do take my hat off to you ladies who get up the courage to leave! As far as reading posts go I saw some on another topic and realised people post all over but I am sticking to the general one we are under now.. perhaps that’s why I miss some posts too. Also I think when we post we don’t always get responses and feel like no-one is paying attention to us.. I guess we are sensitive and need reassurance! I only wish I was on your continent and would meet up with you!
    It has taken a long time for you to decide and I guess you are making the decision you believe is best for you! I wish I could too! I really do feel that I am punishing myself by staying as because he won’t talk about It i keep finding anything that lets me hit back I hit back as it’s an opportunity to bring it up.. why I ask myself.. why does anyone want to inflict this pain on themselves?? I don’t know… I think it’s because we will never really know what is true and what is not. For you it is harder having her live so close by.. i on the other hand cannot see her as she lives thousands of miles away! I hate the fact she gets away lightly and I live with this turmoil day in and day out! I have just flown to see my sister for a week and I need this time apart. I think I need it to work out if I can live without him… it’s just so hard because in one way I definitely don’t want to yet in another I feel I have to as how can we continue. I won’t let it die and that’s what will kill us. The fact that I will never know when it really started.. the fact that he says he is sorry for hurting me but i don’t think he is sorry for doing it… because it all comes down to how i was towards him so he didn’t care! I feel like I am a nutcase and don’t know what to do. I wish I had your strength to go and I hope you will keep us updated! If you ever feel like communicating directly ask Jewels for my email.. that way you will have undivided support from me! You really are a strong woman!

  • Ella January 13, 2012, 5:19 AM

    Susan, we are proud of you for being so strong in your decision. You made it with much thought and took the time to do what is right for you. We are all behind you 100%. My therapist always says “the best is yet to come” — and I hold onto that thought all the time — and in time, it will reveal itself to me. It has over the years….(although I have taken the bad with the good). 2011 was truly the hardest year of my life — I’m in my late 40s. I’m hoping 2012 will be good to all of us here. I am dreading the next few months of triggers as this is one year ago when everything happened. Starting in a few weeks. I have “cancelled Valentine’s Day” for me. He can do what he wants, but he will not get anything from me except an acknowledgment of the day. I am refusing to this year. It’s just how I feel and that is what I’m doing. We have all learned so much about ourselves in this — and I think we will come out amazed at what we are capable of. I still have the faith. So if God makes things happen for a reason — then I do believe we go through this because the best IS yet to come. We are here. (I think some of the posts on this subject are longer — so I think that is how I missed yours earlier — so I am sorry as well).

  • LisaP January 13, 2012, 7:15 PM

    Susan what part of California are you coming too? I live near the S.F bay area more east. If your near bye we might be able to chat in person.

  • Susan January 13, 2012, 8:05 PM

    Hi Ladies,
    Thank you all for your posts and support. Jewels I needed to take a nap half way thru your incredibly long day! Wow are you busy. I hope you know I didn’t intend to hurt you or anyone else, I was just having a very bad time and I guess quite honestly feeling sorry for myself.
    My sister and I decided it would not work out with me moving in with her. She had said that she wouldn’t tolerate me having any communication with my husband. SO…. I had to pull back and try to explain to her that we are still married and own a house etc… Needless to say I realized moving in there was probably worse than staying here for now. WOW.. I am really proud of myself for not losing my cool with my sister. I feel like she’s a bit off base but hey it is her house after all .
    I have gone from shock, disbelief, anger, despair and more tears . It was brutal packing and separating things and now I’m not leaving. I thought I had a plan in place that God, the universe, my friends everyone thought was good. It seems another plan is coming. I just don’t know when, what or how.
    Last few days have been very dark. I am barely holding on, but I know this will pass. At least lessen in intensity.
    Thanks again everyone for responding so kindly to my emotional post.
    Jewels you are a blessing and it probably did sound as if I’m ungrateful. I am very sorry for that and I ask for your forgiveness. You have built a community here, actually a family and I absolutely know I wouldn’t be able to see any humor in my situation let alone hope without you and everyone else. Thank you

  • Sonia January 13, 2012, 10:03 PM

    Ladies,
    Got a major surprise yesterday…our niece passed away about a week ago…and my husbands other woman calls him at work to offer her condolences since she had seen her on the obituaries and she read my husbands name…I swear…when will women like her give up…its been over a year ! Apparently she had also called about 3 months ago but my husband wasn’t there..his boss told him that she had called…I sent her a message on FBI asked her give up he doesn’t want anything to do with you…i wish peace in your life and to find somone that makes you happy …she then says i am happy i have a boyfriend…etc,….then I told her if you are so “happy” why are you calling my husband ….I know in my heart he is not cheating…I know the signs know and she is just using our nieces death as a reason to talk to him again…how sad…she then said other things that were lies…said he saw her on a certain date and I know for a fact he was with me…I am amazed at the kind of women that are out there…my husband told his boss and coworkers that if she calls not to give him the phone….She is NOT happy and she is a delusional crazy B$%#&!

  • JB January 14, 2012, 7:15 AM

    Jewels, Oh my friend. You are an AMAZING woman, and are part of all our lives- the good part of course. You have saved many of us from complete emotional breakdowns and given us the confidence to not only tell our own stories, but also help others that have found themselves in similar situations. You have helped us find our voice during this very dark time in many of our lives. Your insight into women is a gift and your ability to give to complete strangers in need is a Godsend. We know you are there, like you said this is a community and we all grow stronger and more self aware daily. Thank you again for your amazing gift – this site, but most importantly thank you for yourself — take care of YOU as you tell us so often. Remember it is all mute and pointless if you let that slide 🙂 We love you — take care of those beautiful babies, take some time out for Jewels, and know the site, the women, and all that other stuff will be here for you when you get back- you brought us together on this journey we are going nowhere without you. Peace and Blessings my friend.

  • JB January 14, 2012, 9:32 AM

    Susan, You are so courageous. Just making the decision to leave is HUGE. You are correct the perfect time and place will reveal itself when it is right. You are so strong- I realized when I decided to stay and work on my marriage that if it ever happened again- that is the deal breaker. I just hope that if that day ever comes (God forbid), that I will draw upon the strength of others like you to help me take that first step. I too am sorry that your first post was over looked, but it was valid– we all do need each other– we do need to know someone out there is hearing our cries for support in both the good and bad times in this recovery process. As you wait for your exit to reveal itself to you, know we are here– I have a box on my desk at work that has this saying on it “Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside of you greater than any obstacle.” I just love being reminded of that- stay strong- Hugs

    • Jewels January 14, 2012, 3:35 PM

      Hello Everyone!

      Sonia/JB/Susan

      Sonia – Sorry to hear about your niece. Yes, sometimes even after it’s over, they still reach out, just because. And unfortunately, you can not control crazy lol! It seems like your husband is doing the right thing and keeping you informed (that is how you are finding out right?) This is also why it’s so important for husband’s to work on themselves, so that when they get calls, offers, etc. from other women, they learn how to deal with it and not fall into temptation. Not surprised by her lies, affairs are based off of lies, so it seems like she is continuing. Take Care, I wish better days for you!

      JB – Thanks for your support – Yes you are right, I need to put myself first when it comes to getting proper rest. I know this might sound crazy, but negative emotions arise from me when I get tired, I think ‘really, now, I still have things to do!’. But I have to stop this behavior because the lack of sleep does catch up and leaves me drained for a week. I need to listen to my body, welcome tiredness instead of fighting against it and accept that things will get done in perfect time and order. Ah….I think this will be my new daily affirmation to help me with this, thanks for your response, it is helping me tremendously (and I will be going out tonight – dinner and drinks with girlfriends!)

      Susan – You did not hurt or offend anyone with your post, I was actually glad that you felt you could be honest, I would of MUCH rather you posted it than for you to hold it inside. And your post really helped me, because if you didn’t write the comment, I wouldn’t of wrote my comment, in which JB replied and helped me work through an issue of my own – so it’s all love – really!!

      I am sorry that moving in with your sister did not work out. That is unfortunate that she feels so strongly about you talking with your husband, if she only knew how much you have been through with him. But if it didn’t happen, it wasn’t suppose to happen. Imagine going there and having your sister make you feel bad as a guest, that would not be cool at all. I take nothing back from what I said before. I am happy for you. And I believe that people see what they are open to seeing. And I think since you are open to the possibility of moving out, you will start to see opportunities unfold before your eyes – exciting!

  • JB January 15, 2012, 12:22 PM

    Jewels, glad you got out and did something fun– we have to feed our souls. As a mother of two myself, I can tell you that while your children will grow and need less of you physically– they require so much more mentally as they grow into teenagers. So don’t get too worn down while they are young 🙂 My friend you will need all that energy later to feed your brain to stay one step ahead of them.. parenting– the most tiring job on earth but also — life’s greatest joy!! 🙂 Have a great rest of your weekend.

  • Mitch January 17, 2012, 3:30 AM

    Greetings Ladies
    Once again I see the sight is busy… sad but good at the same time as this really is probably the only way we can vent our feelings for a lot of us as many of us have no one else to talk to! I sure know it helps me by writing it down as it gets rid of some of the anger! I am away at the moment visiting my sister in another country and before I left I had a meltdown as it is the first time i will have been away since the “incident” and I was stressed beyond stressed thinking of what he may be up to when I am gone.. will he be ringing her.. emailing her.. openly as he has a house to himself?? I know he can’t see her but will they be on skype etc.. it was driving me demented so I already left home in tears! Since being away I have just gone on a total downer and each time he doesn’t do something I expect I flip out more! Things like I would expect ..an odd text saying I love you.. something… i would expect a text in the morning and not at half one in the afternoon and that just sets me off thinking who is preoccupying his mind till then. Am I not worth thinking about earlier or only until he gets bored and then remembers me? I expect him to be doing all the things I would be doing but because he doesn’t and because he doesn’t think like me I got off on a wobbly! I can’t help it.. I go mental.. I say horrible things.. we fight back and forth and he says no matter what he does it is never good enough and i say that’s because I am practically saying anytime he does do something for me it’s because I have to point him in that direction or spell it out!!!!!!!! Why oh why can’t he think for himself what I need to hear? How hard is it? How stupid is he? I get sooo mad that I want to leave but again I just can’t seem to take that step yet he keeps saying if we’re apart maybe we should stay apart and see do i start feeling better by not seeing him.. and take it from there. So that reads to me that he wants to go and is just waiting for me to say go so that way he can say he didn’t walk out!!! I am sooo sick of this … i can’t believe the stress this has caused me and i can’t believe the fact that he thought it wouldn’t.. how stupid could he have been??!! I know we can’t change what has happened but I can’t get past it.. i just can’t… i can’t believe he thought it would be ok.. i just can’t… i know we weren’t happy but by god you just don’t do that to someone.. you just don’t!!! I don’t feel like i will ever be better… and Jewels.. you say about people being suicidal.. well i can tell you i have been that plenty of times… it’s unreal how some insensitive idiot can drive you to that point…. there really are days i just think i will never get through this.. how will it get better… it’s affecting our whole life.. my daughter is having to deal with my breakdown as well and i feel awful for her but i say things to her in anger too and problem is once said you can’t take it back! I wish i could just leave.. get on a plane… go somewhere new and start over where no one knows me… i just wish i had the guts to do it!!! I have a new job starting soon and I am really holding out for that.. that it will give me a bit of sanity with new things to learn and new people to meet. As it is not close to home I may look for somewhere to rent as probably cost me the same as it would in petrol and then I will be away for some days of the week and maybe that will help.. i don’t know.. because at the same time it’s when I am away that I go downhill.. I can’t stand this pathetic side of me..I am usually strong and can’t understand why I never followed that path when I found out and kicked him out?? I do think it would have been easier because what we deal with in staying is ten times harder than leaving when we found out! Those of you who give it a go then leave cannot ever be faulted or said to be weak as it takes more strength mentally to stand by these idiots that we love to inflict this pain on ourselves!! Okay enough of my rant for the day! Thanx girls!

  • Ella January 18, 2012, 6:18 AM

    Oh Mitch, I feel your anxiety. I’m so pathetic that my husband forwarded an email from a vendor asking him to go out to dinner next week as he will be in from out of town. I got nervous and shaky. He has not gone out after work since DDay — and I had to voice my opinion that I prefer he didn’t go — and I told him why . …. it was one year ago that he had “work-related after-work events” on his calendar that ended up being lies. While he was never that late coming home, he would leave work at 4pm to drive her to her car — 20 miles out of the way. He was ok with not going, but seriously, WHY would he even go there during this time? I have told him that the next couple of months would be so hard for me. His A started at the end of January last year — and I discovered it in mid-March. Emotional (L word) plus making out in our car — hadn’t slept together yet — but I know she was trying to figure out a day when they could as she was married with a child at home. So they created work events I guess. UGH. Despite all of the progress, I feel like such a loser that I still have these trust issues that rip me to the core — I don’t think they will ever subside. Mitch — it’s exactly what you say — staying takes so much strength. Hope you all have a great day — Susan — hope you are doing ok.

  • Susan January 18, 2012, 12:53 PM

    Hi Ladies
    Ella
    My heart broke for you as I read your last post. YOU ARE NOT A LOSER.. Not in anyway and having a lack of trust for your husband is a very healthy response. HE has earned your mistrust. Break it down 1. He went thru the pre contemplative stage in making the decision to BEGIN the inappropriate interactions with her 2. He then acted on those decisions. 3. He lied to you everyday from those days until mid-March and probably beyond. Everyday since the day he starting thinking about her he was lying and betraying and breaking his marriage vows. I know how hard that is to face and I don’t want to hurt you further, I am saying it so directly in love. He did those things, you were all in in your marriage, that means you blindly trusted him to be your husband and a man of integrity in all his actions and interactions with others. That is the sacred covenant of a marriage. He chose to break that. No matter how hard it hurts we have to keep telling ourselves it iour husbands bad behaviors and character flaws. Not ours, not in anyway shape or form. Please please don’t be so hard on yourself(I know easier said than done) I think seeing each other voice the things we all feel is the beauty of this site. I can say don’t do those things and learn how damaging they’ve been to me at the same time. You are a kind and good woman. Don’t let this awful time tell you any different. Anniversary dates are a terrible time. That is the result of this being a truly traumatic event, your world and your marriage were forever changed and that is nothing to take lightly. Our hearts and spirit have been ravaged. I don’t know for me it helps me to break it down and “normalize” it . It doesn’t stop the pain but it does slightly diminish the self bashing.
    Mitch
    I posted a note to you on the other thread about progression. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are where you are on your journey and no matter how painful it is exactly where your supposed to be. Not crying everyday is progress. I cried this morning for all of us and that’s ok. We aren’t heartless selfish people like our husbands and the OW’S. I am thankful for that, I don’t like how this has changed me but at the same time I am so thankful my character is not a flawed as theirs.
    I’m thinking of you two and sending my love.

  • Ella January 18, 2012, 2:39 PM

    Susan — thank you for your response. I know deep down I’m not the problem –but the fact that I have chosen to stay with someone who could do this to me is probably the real issue here. I do love him — but it’s definitely not blind anymore and really not the same — I’m not ALL in now. Part of me is now looking only after me and the once totally giving person is holding back now for my own interests. So that has changed me — I guess for the better — but it feels different. I don’t want to have these feelings — though I know they are normal. We are victims of abuse in a way — and why would I stay with my abuser. Because of the points that you made. … they made conscious decisions — my husband said it was a horrible mistake. I said — no, a mistake would have been (while still not good) — a one night stand while you were in a totally drunken stupor — this was a deliberate action on your part over time — and you chose to lie to my face and you chose the other path. That wasn’t a mistake over the long haul — that was just plain bad character. And I’m now speaking my mind more than ever — rather than holding it in — we are both conflict avoiders — that is part of the problem — we wouldn’t talk about any issues we had with each other. So we will go on from here — he is doing the right things with remorse, counseling, making an effort to plan events for us, open book on phone, email and voicemail — but who knows — I don’t know how they go cold turkey — do they really??? Anyway — I hope everyone is doing ok. Susan you are right when you say that we can all find pieces of ourself in these posts. We are normal and good people and will get through this — however God wants us to.

    • Jewels January 18, 2012, 11:57 PM

      Mitch/Ella

      Hello Mitch,

      I am glad you have some time away but sad to hear that you feel that you can not relax because you are not sure what he is doing. I really hope that you do something that puts a smile on your face while you are away, in order for that to happen, you have to take the focus off of your husband for a few moments in order to think about what you can do that would put a smile on your face, might as well do it now, especially since he is not around. The image I see is that your husband is relaxing and enjoying himself (not with the OW but just enjoying himself) and you are not, and that is no fun, I do not like that image (:. If you end up doing a couple of fun things with your sister, please do share, I would like to hear about it (smile)!

      Ella,

      You mentioned that you are speaking your mind more than ever. I do the same, in all aspects of my life. It’s almost as if I feel that since I felt I was wronged in such a bad way, I don’t want anyone else to ever think that they will get over on me. So I am a little bit more vocal and assertive if I do not feel something is right. That is interesting that you feel the same way as well. As far as you marriage, I do not know if the feelings will ever go away, but if you plan to stay married there should be upward progression, taking steps back in the process is totally normal, but you and your husband should be slowly building that foundation of trust. It takes time, that is the thing. We are not use to the time, we live in a quick society so I did the same thing, beat myself up, why am I still dealing with this a year later!! But I changed and started to pump myself up and say, I am exactly where I need to be in my life right now (which at the time was 1.5 years later, still living with my husband), let me absorb it, feel it, and trust that if I decide something, it is right choice for everyone. I wish you well!!

  • Mitch January 20, 2012, 4:32 AM

    Ella & Susan and Jewels
    Thanks guys for all your support! I know we are all in the same boat and we all give each other the right advice.. the advice we would give if we were responding… as I think we all know the answers to our questions but still have to keep asking them!! Ella… I really feel your pain with the “anniversary”. It certainly is a time when you do not need any extra reminders or fuel for the fire in you hubby asking about going on a work outing… really…. very insensitive.. but then.. we already know they don’t have a full brain to work with!! None of us are loosers…. they are… they could have lost us.. some have already lost their wives so was it really worth it?!! We’re bloody super hero’s!! I guess we could start a new line or super hero clothing.. now there’s an opportunity if I ever saw one but maybe we wouldn’t be allowed out in public with some of the sayings we would print on them …!! Although maybe that’s what we need.. public humiliation..their public humiliation…. make them wear the outfits with Hi I’m a Looser as I Cheated on my Wife!!!!! or… I must have a small winky and needed my ego boosting so i cheated on my wife!! Didn’t make my winky bigger but sure made my balls smaller!!!!!!!!! If only……
    You also mentioned that its like living with your abuser.. ha… i said those exact words to him months ago and as I was abused when I was younger and he is the only one that knows that.. he was mortified that I could put him in that category as he was always upset that it happened to me… but as I said to him.. how is it any different.. it is like living with your abuser.. you did something so awful that can never be changed and I have to live with it forever.. not you.. because no matter what he says or how sorry he is.. his thoughts of the affair will always – always be happy ones.. that can’t and wont change no matter how remorseful they are.. that’s a fact.. but that’s not the thoughts we have to live with.. as you said this was not a one night stand.. it is something they did over time.. took the time to think about it.. connect with them on a daily basis.. and eventually lead to sex… it was not just a passing thought.. so in all this time when we think back as to their euphoria at daily communications etc how do we get that out our heads???? Ok.. so maybe in time it will subside… i sure as shit hope so as the washing machine effect in my brain is driving me dilly!!!!!! I can’t believe the awful week away that I had.. the whole breakdown again.. the pleading for little signs of emotion to come from him and when it doesnt the rage that builds up again. I think.. you hear me crying.. you hear me upset.. you know the little things i want that cost him not a thought and can he do them…. noooooooo….. when i went to catch my flight yesterday does he send a text saying luv you?? nooo….. just have a good trip… arrrggghhh rage… rage…rage.. so i ask myself what the hell does it take to make him say it.. and when i say he doesn’t love me because he can’t think to say it he says it’s crap and he does and bla bla bla… well then.. why don’t you just bloody say it.. is it that hard?? Oh my god.. i swear I am coming back as a man to teach men on how to be bloody sensitive and romantic without very little thought at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    When I was away he was saying do I want to stay away but when I see him I know I don’t but I just still don’t get how it has affected him so little. Again.. the rage begins… argh… my daughter said I should take up boxing but then I may just kill him!!!!!! Better stick to baking!!!
    Susan.. you are right… there is progression and we should acknowledge and embrace it.. even if it is just a case of not crying every day!!!! Thanks for all your kind words!! I guess at the end of the day for all of us it’s a case of accepting what happened and just learning to deal with it. How long it takes I do not know but from reading on this site I can see it aint over in a jiffy so where the roller coaster may slow down at times… i don’t think it will ever stop long enough for us to get off it until we are ready! ! Onwards and upwards eh!!!!!
    Jewels.. once again thanks for your input. Unfortunately I did not do anything fun in London… I was more with my mom who is 84 and took her out for tea and cake etc as normally she has no company during the day. In the evenings when my sister is home we all just stay in… very boring… that’s also the problem.. we need to get on with life.. as i said to her .. with her clear scans she has a new lease on life for now so make the most of it and stop wasting it by doing nothing… guess I should follow my own advice. I did a bit of baking for them while I was there.. trying new things.. actually I am a crap cook and nothing comes out right when I bake it but I just keep inflicting my non culinary skills on everyone and they still eat it anyway.. ha ha… but I find when i am baking.. cleaning etc it leaves my mind free to think… bad…. coz what does it focus on… hmmm… no prize for guessing there guys!! I try do jigsaw puzzles as then I really have to try and focus on the pieces and doesnt leave too much space in the brain for other activities so maybe I shall continue on the one I am doing at the moment!
    When i came home yesterday he met me at the airport with a small bunch of flowers.. something he never does.. and bought me some nibblies of a south african nature which is hard to get where I live.. something he never does.. and I really did appreciate it all. He did try avoid all talk of breakdown and that’s what gets me.. he just brushes it aside.. each day when he did call he would say are you feeling better.. as it.. fek i hope she’s bloody cured… but as I said to him.. some days I felt better but it wasn’t like taking a tablet and it will be gone.. it won’t.. i can’t help bringing it up, I just do and I think it is because it is never talked about properly.. always bits and pieces.. so i am going to take him for a walk this weekend and talk and make him listen.. even if I have to push him over and sit on him till i am finished!!!!!!! Will it make me feel better.. i don’t know because as he says even if he tells me the truth I don’t believe it but then he also says he doesn’t want to tell me the truth so again i am lost as in has he told me or not???!!! Okay… I leave it at that today.. and see what the weekend brings forth!!! Have a good one girls.. as best you can and Ella… Happy Birthday for whenever it is… I would send you a cake but it would be detrimental to your health! x

  • JB January 21, 2012, 8:46 AM

    Mitch- Thank you for the laughs – it is just what I needed today. I love your idea for the t-shirt company. I will invest 🙂 sign me up. I also am a terrible cook- so here is another idea– “The angry baker” sounds like a game show- put a bunch of angry women in the kitchen to get rid of the stress– I’d participate in that one too–now that is a Bake-off they should put on TV–bet it would get millions of viewers 🙂

    I agree with all of you progress is progress and no matter how small or big- we are all moving and that is the important part. I too have good and bad days, I know it has gotten less emotional on the outside- I mean the crying, shaking, screaming– but like you said Mitch there are moments of pure rage that just pop in and scare you to death- fortunately we all have our tools– baking, running, puzzles, yoga, etc… the fact that this happens to all of us from time to time- must just be those little things that are still unresolved and it is our bodies and minds telling us to keep pushing forward and we aren’t quite there yet. I feel so fortunate that I have all of you to vent to –everyday if I needed it– Thank you all for being here. This week for me has been so busy and full of motion (literally– lots of driving, moving kids around, work, trips, projects, cleaning, etc….) I think I just wore myself out and when I am tired I really get emotional. I too am so sad that for the rest of my life my marriage will have this scar — I hate that– I am sad that I am not the only one to have touched my husband in the last 25 years- and that I am not the only woman he has touched!– I am sad that I had to feel so much pain because of his bad behavior-I am sad that I have days when it seems nothing is quite right, but I can’t put my finger on why- I am sad that when I look at my daughter that his affair touched her life as well- but I am also grateful for many things– and those are the things that I continue to focus on — during weeks like this. I am grateful for the new honesty in our marriage- the new open communication that we have found together– the amazing sex–the 15 pounds that I lost because of this whole ordeal– my new confidence in myself that I am stronger than I ever thought– and I am grateful for the opportunity to build a marriage that is worthy of me– I have found out so many things about myself during this process that I was either too scared to admit or just too busy to stop and focus on. It has been a roller coaster–and I love roller coasters– but not this one. It has been a painful ride as you all know so well. These struggles that we face as women are HARD–but I feel like we are now enlightened women –truly wiser for what we have gone through and for that I say YEA! for US!! Women do make the world go round. Stay positive and strong my friends and thanks for letting me vent- once again. Hugs to everyone.

  • wanda January 22, 2012, 4:55 AM

    that was just beautiful JB. Wish i had what you have…u selling it?? ha!

    Mitch: you have a great sense of humor when you find it. I feel your pain and your story is similar to mine but, please remember NO MAN is ever worth suicide for. Think of some hot famous actor and replace the hotness with your husband,,,,you will change your thoughts real fast. I know this ‘limbo” period, as i call it, sucks! I was called the crazy lady, i swear but, somehow i had to pull my self up (especially for me and my kid, which too has affected her deeply) crazy or not that day and carry on…for me and my daughter. How dare he take away my sanity and cause more pain on this family! DONT GIVE HIM THE POWER ANY MORE IN YOUR MIND—NONE OF THEM ARE WORTH THAT POWER THAT POLLUTES our thinking. Stay strong girl….have a cocktail with the girls and maybe you will admire some hot guy, just for the moment to make you smile! hugs to you and your child–and a great big group hug from all of us. We are here for each other, I should change my obvious name in case his divorce atty is searching online. All he can get is a truthful earfull anyway. I’m not worried. Ive called him every name in the book–he laughs….tells me ‘quit bothering me and quit calling me”,,,,so arrogantly. And he aint that great in bed either!!! ha ah!!!

  • Mitch January 24, 2012, 11:21 AM

    JB…hi Jb.. am sooo glad you got a laugh… i don’t always know what I am writing and do tend to normally write on the comical side, however, I don’t often realise that I am.. it’s only when my pals email me back saying what a good giggle they had! Good.. i am glad.. as I am quite funny… generally always happy and smiling.. even if crying on the inside! I am one of those sado’s at work that everyone always asks how do I keep my calm and am always happy.. it’s not normal.. but to me it is.. that’s just how I am.! As for “The Angry Baker”.. ha ha loved it. I think it’s time to approach Bravo! Forget the Real Housewives.. we are THE REAL Housewives! I concur with everything you said about being sad.. because that really is what it comes down to! I too am sad and not just angry.. sad that i didn’t see the signs.. sad that i wasn’t given a chance to make the decision to stay or leave before he went to extra step… sad too that he has touched someone else and kissed someone else and had sex with the passion I know he has and the gentleness he has not shown me in a looooong time…Sad that we let us get that far apart that we really did not like each other at all! I am not oblivious to the fact that I had plenty of faults.. i don’t deny that at all. We were both stupid.. we both could have tried harder.. not just him but ultimately i do think that as he had someone else in mind he should have tried that little bit harder himself! I told him that he hid his meeting with her the previous year as he knew I would flip if i found out.. but I told him if i had not cared about him or us would I have flipped? no… you can’t be jealous of someone you have no feelings for! There are just too many what if’s and shouldve’s and they are what drive me bonkers!! He also mentioned how come I wasn’t as nutty about his ex girlfriends.. well simple dear… you chose to leave them… this one is different altogether as you have not chosen to leave her.. you had to leave her to save your marriage so there will always be the question in my mind of what his real feelings are! I hope I will get to the stage of gratefulness that you are at sooner rather than later. At the moment instead of being grateful for open communication I am always looking on the suspicious side and saying.. yes.. i have all your passwords now and can check your emails.. phone.. face book etc but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have another one hidden away! On my down days they are all the negative things I focus on! I try to be positive and also say look how much better we are now.. had this not happened we probably wouldn’t be here but then I go straight into had this not happened he would still be “seeing” her! Arghhhhhh!!!!! Bloody hell.. affairs are soooo much effort to deal with!! I question most things he does.. like when he does kiss me.. is it because I expect it or because he wants to? I always feel he does not respond in a passionate way like let’s say you start a kiss on the couch.. it never leads to a deeper kiss.. one that is with passion and wanting more.. it;s like a bloody turtle! Better give her a bit to keep her happy and it’s like mechanical.. hence the turtle or maybe it should be a chameleon.. probably a better description as those are the little feckers that camouflage themselves blending into the background so no one suspects anything and get their prey.. well I wish I was a Preying Mantis so I could bite his bloody head off and be done with him and shout out… Next!!! Ah well.. maybe that’s what I will come back as.. here’s hoping!!! Thanks again for your post.. it was uplifting!
    Wanda.. thanks for yours too… and I know what you mean.. think about a hunk and replace him.. I shall certainly try! And yes .. you are right and mostly logic will prevail that no man is worth suicide.. it’s just when you are down.. rational thinking is not top of the agenda but I clasp the bits that spring to mind and eventually get through it! It’s a selfish stupid thought as it doesn’t affect one person but many and so many times you hear or people committing suicide and I say to myself if I only knew I would have helped them.. how could they be sooo stupid … yet I find myself in that same stupid boat so I do understand! I will just have to remember that eventually this will all fade… in time… it may take lots of it but I just have to remember I will get through it as thousands of other women do to!
    Okey dokey ladies… enough for today.. hope all you other gals are getting along okay and Susan I hope it is still going well for you at home and that you are managing ok after deciding to stay!

  • REC January 26, 2012, 9:25 AM

    Hello to All….
    Ok… Since my last outburst, I caught up with all of the posts… Whew… Alot of reading!!
    Susan, one of my favorite sayings is everything happens for a reason, perhaps you were not meant to leave the household quite yet to live with your sister, as you intended. I couldnt possibly know for sure, but its a saying I use to get through my day… everyday. I hope whether you choose to continue to stay or move out on your own, that you find happiness.
    Mitch, Love the T-shirt idea…. I could think of some other sayings, rather inappropriate ones, words that I shouldnt even admit to having ever said… 🙂
    Ella, Take this for what its worth, in a way we are all losers, We lost our marriage foundation, trust and respect, for our husbands. We lost our life as it was. So yes, in a sense we are losers.
    Jewel… Dont over extend yourself… I think we all understand what it is like dealing with daily issues on top of emotions on top of everything else…. I have said it before, this site is amazing, you do an amazing job… If we dont see you for a few.. it seems we try and help each other in some shape or form… 🙂
    It is so amazing sometimes reading these posts…. Parts of your stories is like reading mine…. Like when Ella said “a mistake would have been (while still not good) — a one night stand while you were in a totally drunken stupor — this was a deliberate action on your part over time — and you chose to lie to my face and you chose the other path” Sooooooo true… Although the A with my husband lasted for about a year and a half, they had intercourse twice, and that was the last month before I found out… That being said ( not like it makes it better) The 2nd time they had sex was the night he wanted to meet her to “break it off” and that 2nd night is what KILLS me the most out of all of this…. He called it a mistake… I 100% agree with Ella… It wasnt a mistake…. he F****D up…. plain and simple!!! a mistake is when you add 1+1 and get 4. UGH!
    That being said though… Lately I have been having an outburst about twice a week… breakdown, cry, vent…. He does seem very remorseful…. says over and over how sorry he is that he ever made the decision not to talk to me before anything ever happened…. blah blah blah blah… Thats what I hear… I still want him to admit to me he had feelings for her… Which he wont, he denies… but how do you sit and talk with someone… for a year, telling her all your woes so she feels sorry for you, start touching her inappropriately on the basis she wanted to prove she kissed better than ME!!! DUH!!! REALLY!!! Ok… This post was really supposed to be a positive post……….
    Ok… Let me start again… Right at this moment, I cannot say I am truly happy, but I know my H is trying very hard to please me in every aspect. I just wanted to share something… I woke up the other day, and signed on to my facebook ( I am an addict, especially since finding out) but anyhow… back to the story… facebook… I look at my page and I was tagged in a picture… so I looked, and he had like 5 or 6 different pictures of bunches of flowers, that he wrote “almost as beautiful as my wife” (fanning face trying not to cry while writing this) I think I am seeing my “old” husband… the one who did sweet, inexpensive things for me… See he KNOWS I dont like him buying me flowers… I think its a waste of money.. Years ago, he used to bring me flowers… but they were from what they were going to throw away at my job… he picked the best of the worst… and I LOVED it!!! they threw away good flowers.. if they werent perfect… well, my husband made them perfect for me… He hasnt done that in a long time… so the flowers are really significant to me….Also I think this last month, I have learned more about my h than I have in the last 10 years we have been together…. Amazing how you thought you knew someone…. and really dont.. How did we make it these last years? I hope that we both have learned from this… I hope that things keep moving in a positive direction.. I hope that he continues to show me how much he loves me… I hope that he continues to accept, respect and deal with my outbursts, as frequently or infrequently as they may come….
    And above all…. I just hope that I am not expecting too much!
    Giving all you ladies a Great Big Cyber Hug!!!! 🙂

  • Ella January 26, 2012, 12:31 PM

    Hi Rec — just read your post… and wow — I feel exactly the same. And I know you struggle with not hearing that she meant something to him. My H used the L word with one woman, yet denies those were his true feelings. They said that over email more. I think I needed to hear that she meant more to him because then I could justify — ok — he was really in love and was willing to risk it. But when they say they didn’t — then we feel like they did this for some really stupid reason. It’s disrespectul in that the reason wasn’t really worth anything. Does that make sense???? You really can’t control when you fall in love with someone — but if it means nothing then why bother with it? and they did it anyway. The flowers story is cute — so glad that made your heart happy. We all have different things that happened to us — not every story is the same — but the core of it is. My H said that he received a call yesterday from one of his flirtation friends == and he wanted to tell me about it. This call comes 10 months from his bad period and the D Day with the L word woman. (my husband had many female friends who he would email and call — — work friends — but many wanted to cross the line_)She left him a message at work asking for a good reference at a new job and he said it was strange — like she was worried she would get a bad reference if a company called him about her. She opened it with “this is not contact, but …” — so she knows he would flip out — so why would she do it? I guess fear. But also maybe to see if he would call her back. It’s not a big deal, but he came home and wanted to tell me that in person immediately. He has promised he will disclose everything going forward – he knew that the whole thing would come up again last night and probably would be uncomfortable but he said he wants none of this on his conscience and wants to be open. He didn’t respond to her and deleted the message. Has not heard from the L word person — that’s the hard one. I feel like they “won” a piece of our husbands. That’s what stinks. They won a battle but if we can stick it out, we win the war? Although we are wounded and sad we had to fight in one. Nothing feels real good when you look at it that way. Rec, don’t worry about your outbursts — you are entitled to your feelings — you were hurt so badly by him. He has to face the music on this and should be helping you through them. So that’s a good sign if he is trying to help. Glad to hear progress. Every day is a step forward — God knows I don’t want to go backward.

  • Mitch January 27, 2012, 12:13 PM

    Hi Rec, Ella and all the gang!

    Rec…yes.. i do agree.. we would have plenty other quotes to print on the t-shirts but as we would not wish to be arrested we can’t! unfortunately.. or else I think we would be millionaires in a very short space of time!!!!! I notice when we write we often say ” this was supposed to be a positive post”.. but really.,. it is positive even if we write about all the negatives so never think it isn’t… because just venting is positive! capiche!!!!! As for the H and the flowers.. well.. it proves that miracles do still happen and all men can learn by it! My H did similar a few months ago when he found a few sites with Love Poems on them.. opened them up and left them all on my PC. I thought it was lovely but at the same time I keep thinking “trying too hard” instead of just saying.. how bloody lovely! It’s awful to always feel negative and I hope at some stage I can get round to appreciating the little things he might do in the future and not think their is an ulterior motive!! Like you say I hope they can continue to respect our outburst… we don’t will them on ourselves.. it’s just our minds dealing with our tragedies and that’s that! We were driving home last night and it’ around an hour and a half journey.. we had made it up with no problems but about a half hour from home something flicked the switch and i brought up the bad subject. He said he was timing how long it would take to bring it up! Really! We dont consciously think these things up to have arguments.. triggers happen and we go with it.. we could keep quiet.. but why should we?!!! They caused the mess they have to live in the aftermath.. goes with the territory so that’s that!
    As you said.. they did not make a mistake and as Ella said.. if it meant nothing then why did they bother?? Yes Ella.. it kills me that he will not admit he had feelings.. how stupid do they think we are? If the roles were reversed do they think we would not have had feelings??? This is one of the main points that drives me nuts.. to him it;’s like.. it was nothing.. so it’s like stop making it more than it was.. eh.. duh… a year long “relationship” and it meant nothing? Dumbo written on my forehead?? I think not! Anyways.. you know what.. i aint gonna rant no more today.. I am going to go downstairs and check the fire is still going proving I can light one on my own (with the help of many firelighters) and that I can survive if need be!!!!!! Rec,, I hope you continue to have a lovely weekend with maybe a few more surprises.. isn’t it amazing how something so simple can mean so much? And Ella.. like you.. none of us want to go backwards so onwards and upwards women!!! Hup two three four! Go girls! x

  • Carrie January 29, 2012, 9:32 AM

    Here I sit again, heartache continues. He has had a affair for 14 years but w/his travel (almost every week) it became in his mind part of his “travel life”. He then reurns home and has his home life. Until the guilt took hold…he spilled. Then we went thru OW-you ect. Spent the holidays what i thought rebuilding w/me, only to find he continued his addiction to the OW. Yes, I had to find out the hard way…painful.
    He then had to admit AGAIN to me. Then off he went another “business trip”. He then felt he had to make a decision. I began to have terrible panic attacks and I reached out to him. He then led me on for 3 days telling me was retuning for the right reasons. Then calls me and over the phone tells me he can not come home for the right reasons. Coward…could not face me, even! My world AGAIN shattered. He then throws some collaberative divorce thought. REALLY? He cheats on me for 14yrs and thinks we will be able to have a Mr. Rogers divorce after 30 yrs? Notta!! He also thinks we can co-exsist in our home for a time. NOTTA again. Seeing him just intensify’s the pain. My plan is to ask him to gather his personal things and if he needs to be here to work on cars, home projects he notify me first so i can make a plan for myself to not be here. What is also sad…other than our 3 boys he only has his mom. All his friends were my family or friends…he has lost them all. So for now I will let him suffer in his choices. I am not ready to go into a divorce as, I really feel he is conflicted. So feeling his choices is all I can do for him now and I need to what is best for me. Unfortunetly, I do not feel it is best for me as I love this man but these are his choices he made, he involved me in a triangle I knew nothing about so now he can feel the effects of his STUPID choices! I will try to survive however this is the hardest thing ever. The counselor I see, told me what he is causing me is emotional holocaust. The grief would be easier to deal with if it was death. Guess it would be closure? But the grief I feel seems just like that and worse. My boys all left for school this week and my husband is gone now too. Painful!! I am not ready to face the “D” yet. I can only hope he can feel and see what he has done. Now I have to find a way to survive, everyone says do what is best for me? Well I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THAT IS, as a wife and a mom (okay 1st gr. teacher too). I have no idea what is best for ME?? Not an easy thing to do….

  • REC January 29, 2012, 4:12 PM

    Carrie… I read your post and all that came to mind is WOW! No one can know whats best for you but you, That being said, Im gonna give you my advice. I will not say to do whats best for you, what I will say is, You need to take care of you. I’m not really clear if you truly know what you want, from your post. You say you dont want a divorce, but you also said you do not want to see him. I dont think it is fair for you to wait for him to make decisions, I think he unfairly made enough without your input. It almost seems that your H needs to be in some serious counseling, and also needs to admit to himself that there is an issue with himself. But these are my thoughts.. not intended to offend anyone. So with that I hope it doesnt.

  • Amber January 29, 2012, 10:14 PM

    I just want to say that I’ve been in the same place as many of you and want to also say that you are not alone in walking through this. I will be praying for God’s peace in each of your lives and that he will guide you through your healing…with or without your spouse.

    • Jewels January 30, 2012, 9:44 PM

      Hello ladies,

      I hope everyone is doing better than the day before…

      Amber – Thanks for the positive message and your support!

      Carrie – You are at a pivotal time in your life, your kids and husband are not around. Use this time to discover yourself, like REC said, focus on you for a change, what you want, with the boys gone, you have some time on your hands, use this time to explore, imagine, dream again. If you use it to focus on the pain you are going to be miserable. Once you start focusing on yourself, the path and the next steps will become more clear.

      REC – loved every bit of your update, especially the fb story and what you wrote about learning more about your husband in the last month than in the last 10 years, such a good sign, everyone who stays and is happy comment on how much they learned about each other, so even though things are not perfect, it seems like you are headed in a good direction, which is wonderful.

      Take Care everyone – hugs!

  • Mitch February 6, 2012, 5:15 AM

    Ella… I have been thinking about you and wondering how you have gotten through the last few weeks seeing as it was the “anniversary” and I aint seen no posts. You may be posting on other threads but I tend to keep to this one. I don’t know where I also read it was your birthday.. maybe am wrong.. but if it was I hope it was in some way enjoyable!
    Carrie.. all i can say is WoW! I hope you take the time to think as like you say you don’t know what is best for you.. don’t rush.. all in good time!
    Hi to everyone else.. I am not writing a novel today(thank fek says you lot!!) but think of you all. x

  • Ella February 7, 2012, 7:06 AM

    Hi Ladies — Mitch – that is so nice that you asked how I was doing. How are you doing??? We were away for a long weekend (his business) — so it was ok, but I’m ready to go through the real triggers of Valentine’s Day — I can’t even watch commercials for it. How sad is that? I’m not even acknowledging it — doesn’t mean anything now. How can you have two Valentines when you are married right? My birthday is coming up — but last year I celebrated it just after finding out – -so not much celebration. D Day was mid-March. Some days are good when we are just focussing on healing — Other days I still get SOOO mad that it happened and still don’t trust completely – -I guess that is the new reality. I still wonder if I should have stayed or left at times. I think about other life adventures that would have come my way without him. And maybe with a more free spirit. I’m just not sure how good I can feel staying with someone who can betray and lie like that. I know we are all human — but I do struggle even to this day. And there are some days when I really see the weaknesses in my husband — and how some other men may have different qualities. I know I will be ok either way and that is more healing than anything. I can go either way and know I will be ok……. The hurt has subsided — it’s more about the disrespect now. And more about if I respect myself and my decision……Ahhh — so much to think about. Thank you for your thoughts — they will help me get through the next month and a half.

  • Mitch February 9, 2012, 6:48 PM

    Greetings Ella – one and all…
    Was good to hear you got through the “anniversary” ok.. at least it’s a step forward.. no matter how many steps we still take backwards!! It’s crap that you had your b’day just after.. crap crap crap… mine was the same and I said to him don’t bother spending money on me trying to buy something nice as it will mean nothing. For years we stopped spending on birthdays – we would only spend something stupid like lets say 10 dollars.. make it a challenge.. go to the dollar shop etc.. as we used to spend so much in the beginning till you realise it really is a waste of money. We always had more fun this way. I would say buy me something I really want but would never buy.. a spoon for cooking.. a slab of chocolate – not a box – a lipstick – stupid stuff but at least i knew i would use it instead of putting it aside or it’s something I didn’t really like! Much more fun. anyway.. he was trying to buy a holiday etc but there was no point… spending money on me wasn’t going to make it better – bloody hell.. sometimes I wish I was one of the Real Housewives of Beverley Hills where money really is more important!! Ah well… maybe next time round! Anyway…. back to you.. hopefully this b’day will be a bit better but it will be a long time till it’s much better.. it’s just the way it is now and that’s that! It’s crap as well about Valentine’s day – stupid St valentine inventing this day!!!!!!! Every day should be bloody valentines!!!!!! Stooopid husband’s for having other valentines even if they say they didn’t… like mine.. mr unromantic when he wants to be .. however.. i know full well St V day did not pass without any lovely comments between the two of them! El stooopido is not my middle name – well not this week at least! I guess we will always get mad.. i saw hubby on his PC the other day.. one he doesn’t use much and there was me.. straight away searching through it again and through the pics to see if something is there that I missed… it’s crazy.. drives you mental!!! argh!!!!!!!!!! Then that sets you off for the night…. Triggers… stupid triggers!!! You are right.. should we have left.. who knows.. but if we didn’t stay we would always be wondering should we have.. this way no matter how it turns out we won’t be questioning the what if! Right ho.. enough for now.. take care.. chat later!! x

  • Mitch February 12, 2012, 6:00 PM

    Ella…girls . another thought just popped into my weee little head again so thought I may as well share.. you know when women say it’s easier to deal with someone dying than a husband having an affair.. I realise how true it is because when someone dies you can still talk about them.. you see pictures of them and can talk about them.. you can discuss them with your husband… etc etc etc however.. when your husband hurts you in one of the worst possible ways ever – mentally and emotionally – you can’t talk about – it’s taboo! You have to sweep it under the carpet and move on! As time goes by I think my hubby thinks because I have a day/week that I don’t mention it – all is getting better – she’s forgetting – yippeeee – but the stupid wally’s don’t realise those thoughts are there every day and nearly every day is a struggle not to mention it! And when I do bring it up you can nearly see the terror on his face… uh oh.. here we go again… mental breakdown about to occur!! How do you get over your husband loving someone else.. touching them.. sleeping with them… having “meaningful ” conversations with them behind your back in your own home while you are in the same room at the time…. i don’t know how you get past that.. i sure as shit know you don’t forget it and there is always.. always something that reminds me of it even 8 months later! ” Time heals all ” says some bloody smarty pants… they just never specified how much time!

    • Jewels February 12, 2012, 11:42 PM

      Hello Mitch,

      I think your comment is spot on, everyone comes to your aid in such a tragic situation as death. People fall over themselves to help and make sure you do not feel alone. But cheating – husbands do not want you to share, and part of you is embarrassed to share as well, so it is extremely stressful to deal with this type of situation alone. Once I started opening up to people, I was amazed at how common this way, it was like everyone had a cheating story, and relating to others in person and on this site helped. But I agree about why it is more difficult. I hope that everyone is doing better than the day before. Take Care.

  • Ella February 13, 2012, 7:09 AM

    Hi Mitch and Jewels – I agree Mitch, it’s much harder to deal with. Death is also a part of life and has to do with God. Affairs have to do with the devil – they are evil — so of course it’s much harder for us — and yes, taboo. I do think it’s more common — I have not been good at telling anyone else. I have “hinted” that things were rocky between us — but never “went there” — other than with two of my childhood friends. But I hear cheating stories much more frequently now. It’s the age group — 40s/early 50s I think is sooo prevalent. It’s such a lonely place – thankfully this site is here to help us really get our feelings out. I’m still a bit guarded with my friends since I have decided to stay. Dreading tomorrow. I did not get my husband a card and am not sure if I should or not. I can’t believe that I would allow two people — my husband and OW (who I don’t even know) — to ruin a cute holiday. — One that I should be joyful about. It really ticks me off. So maybe I could look at it as a new beginning — I don’t know. But I can’t even look at anything in the store. Not this year. Too fresh. Mitch I don’t know how you do it being that you have your own home as a trigger — you are VERY strong — don’t ever worry about your feelings or getting them out there. My husband is truly trying to make things right. He is planning events and trips and taking me along on business trips. We are talking much much more in an open way. So I’m thankful for that — I want to move on — but some days I get stuck thinking about the shock of what he did and could he do it again. So you never know the whole truth I guess. That is what is hard — it’s not black and white. I hope everyone has a good week. I draw comfort from this site — so I hope we all get through this week ok…… Hugs to all.

  • Mitch February 13, 2012, 10:09 AM

    Ella & Jewels

    Nice responses ladies..thanks! You are both right.. it;s good to talk about it and the only way I can is on your site Jewels.. so thanks for that! I can’t tell friends because as you say I feel ashamed… ashamed more so that I am staying than what he did.. ashamed that people would think how pathetic I am for staying and not seeing how much harder it is to stay than walk away. I told my “best friend” here and I wish i never had as I feel when I do talk to her about things we are doing I feel there is a snigger behind the response. Or she makes it sound silly like oooooh.. holding hands are we? etc so now I say nothing and just go all is ok as ok can be.. i don’t say when we are romantic.. or if he kissed me or if we fight as although she is my friend she is not the same kind of true friends I had back home. I guess I worry that telling others they would have the same response, hence this site is my one and only outlet.. besides my husband when the melt downs occur!!!!!
    Ella.. you are right in that you do hear more and more about people having affairs now that we are in that select group! We are far from alone that’s for sure! I know this whole holiday valentine day is fecked up now.. but to us girls it always means something so you know I think that your relationship really does sound like it is making good progress.. even with setbacks as that is allowed.. but as you say he is trying and you see it as going forward so i think you should get a card.. or rather make one.. don’t pick a cliché .. write your own.. plain and simple.. to the point but from your heart!! If you don’t you may feel later you should have got a card but can’t go back and change it.. this way get/make the card and if later you feel you shouldn’t have you can rip it up!!! I just feel by making your own it’s that more meaningful.. i am by far not very artistic but i used to make my hubby b.day cards.. silly ones.. same with the kids and they got great fun in receiving them!!!! draw a funny face on it.. stick a photo on it… do it on a “post it ” … go with whatever you feel… it might be rewarding!!! Either way… happy valentines to you all even if that sounds weird!!!!

  • Ella February 13, 2012, 12:55 PM

    Wow — Mitch – thank you for the support. I WILL make my own card. Hallmark probably isn’t going to “capture” my feelings quite accurately I’m sure. Ha Ha. But I like that idea. ALOT! I would feel guilty not getting him one — now that was a mouthful. We are put in the crappiest position of all and yet we feel badly. I told him not to expect one — that was last month during a meltdown — he and I went out on Valentine’s day – but the following day he got a freakin limo and gave her a ride to her car in it — they had some cheap champagne and exchanged gifts and listened to cds. It makes me vomit. I still have a hard time listening to music with him as we used to when we dated, but it turned to sports talk after we married. When he met that &*(( they listened to music again — and he missed that. Oh well. Moving forward, not backward anymore. I’m SO tired of feeling badly — I want to laugh and feel joy — and happiness does come from within, so I”m not relying on him to make me happy — Hope you all have a good day — yes — in that weird way. Taking care of ourselves is the best gift of all.

  • Mitch February 14, 2012, 4:55 PM

    Ella, Rec, Susan, Judy, Jewels.. and all the Gang!

    Happy valentines to you all.. no matter where you stand right now.. we are in our own little club so whether he loves you or vice verse or if we think does he or not… dont forget you are not alone and someone cares.. in fact lots of us care so to you all.. Happy Valentines from Limbo Land!!

  • Mitch February 14, 2012, 5:05 PM

    Ella

    I am sooo glad you liked the idea and no matter what happens I hope you got some enjoyment from making your card!! As you said Hallmark won’t quite capture it.. so perhaps there’s another business venture to add to the “I have angry feelings towards my husband” club!! haha…. I have to say I surely understand why this day is not going to be easy for you.. that’s just crap what happened! You know.. it’s funny how he enjoyed listening to music with her.. well why couldn’t he have done that again with you if it was something he missed?? My husband said to me the other night while the 2 of us were sitting in the lounge watching a movie and also doing my jigsaw puzzle (a verrreeeee frustrating one i might add!) “you know you are right.. we have wasted so much time when we could have been doing this.. it’s just nice”… well why didn’t he bloody try and do that and fix it with his wife instead of looking elsewhere!!!!!!!! Ok.. I aint gonna harp on about the negatives today.. I don’t wanna add to your negative thoughts but rather encourage your positive ones and your creative skills and hope today goes well for you as well as tomorrow!!!!!!
    Happy thoughts from across the ocean!!!!

  • Ella February 15, 2012, 4:25 PM

    Hi all,
    Well Mitch – -I loved your idea — but ended up not following through. Somehow there was nothing that came to my mind but ugly thoughts. I am with my husband and am really trying as well — but part of my love is lost — the innocent love that loved him unconditionally. I had warned him I would not give him anything so it didn’t come as a surprise. He did get me a card and my favorite candy from my dog –but he didn’t even mention the holiday to me — probably for fear of a melt-down. I have ignored the whole thing. I’m still so hurt. Today is when he “entertained” her with a limo ride — I’m just sick over it. Have the same moments as you and your puzzle — I just can’t believe it took their crappy actions to get them to realize what they have in front of their faces. I wanted to bring everything back up last night — how he really hurt me — but I didn’t go there — I fell asleep. I guess I’m better today — but not really — still sad. I don’t know how these feelings will go away — I know the pain subsides — and things with him are better in many ways — but they are also different as I’m not as “vested” anymore. I’m more into myself — and that is a positive thing coming from this — part of the lesson I suppose. God gives us what he knows we can handle…..

  • Mitch February 16, 2012, 4:35 AM

    Greetings Ella

    Good to hear from you! Regarding the card.. if you didn’t feel like doing it then so be it..you do what you feel is right! Remember.. you can make one any day.. not just valentines day! It’s like writing.. its therapeutic for you! It’s our own little form of therapy! I did a short short one with a broken heart on the front.. a mended one inside and basically said don’t break it again ( if it ever gets fixed!) Or Else!! Nothing great.. plain and simple! Does he take note.. probably not! At my hotel they have these little charity boxes on the desk for people to buy sweets and donate and there is one that is a suicide prevention charity and in the box is the loveliest little sentiment. .. well i think it is… it’s like a little drawstring purse with a few bits inside it.. a piece of string.. a marble.. a coin.. a rose.. and on the back of their card this woman wrote that its the survival kit. I can’t remember it all but it;s kinda like this .. here’s a piece of rope so if you feel you at the end of yours here’s some more.. the coin is so you’re never broke and can call someone.. the marble in case you loose your own and the rose to know someone loves you. It’s not the exact wording but i thought how special and it applies to all walks of life.. I bought one for my hubby and he just read it and put it somewhere.. did it mean anything.. no.. probably not.. to me it meant everything I felt and that is why I gave it to him! So do they really care about those ” silly” notions.. i don’t think so and i wonder why I bother.. because Like you ..part of the love is lost and it will never come back.. no matter what! He bought be a box of chocolates but it’s what we agreed on. Was it a special day.. no… it was just another day! For you it is a whole different set of implications and not easy to deal with! Just remember I am thinking of you! And if you ever feel the need to chat just ask Jewels for my email! About them saying how they miss things.. the image of The Flintstones with a big club in hand comes to mind!! Beat the stupid buggers because it’s soooo frustrating that they didn’t bother to try that bit harder! For me.. it’s the biggest problem to deal with.. not being able to change things before he strayed! Had I had the slightest inclination of what might happen things could have been so different.. why when we were away for two days just before he went off to our old country.. did he not hint at it.. or put his arms round me and say let’s talk this out and try and sort us out.. but nooooo… not at all… argh.. where’s that bloody club!!!!!!!!! Right ho.. enough said today.. be strong although I can tell you already are! To all the other girls out there.. I hope you all coping ok!

  • REC February 16, 2012, 8:09 AM

    Ive come to the site quite a few times just to check up on you ladies….and really didnt have anything to say… And I guess the 14th was ok…. but I thought about HER alot… I dont know, nothing significant ever happened between the two of them on that day, that I know of…. But yet, she just popped up in my brain often, My day was pretty good other than that,…. I didnt want to go out with my husband as he wanted, I prefered to stay in, eat dinner and watch movies, the kids going to my mothers house for the night… so just him and I. It was ok, not the best valentines day I had, but life goes on. He bought me flowers…. which were lovely, but I told him not to buy me anything more. I bought him 2 Cadburry eggs. She has been popping up in my brain alot lately… Could be I saw her for the first time since this took place a couple of weeks ago…… The B had the nerve to give ME the finger…. Oh how I wanted to stop my car and snatch her by her hair…. And ask her if she had a problem with her finger…. But I didnt because I am not violent in action, just thoughts….. I also found out through a friend of mine, that this nasty thing has had affairs with 3 other married men since my husband…. umm… something is seriously wrong with her…. Why does she feel the need to try and destroy marriages. Im sad alot lately… I do love my husband, but like Mitch and Ella both stated…. its not the same kind of love as before…. That makes me sad, I do however think we appreciate each other more…. But again lately almost every time I look at him I think how he broke my heart, and although, the pieces are back together, its not whole, its not mended, perhaps its like a dish when you shatter it…. no matter how hard you try, there are still the little fragments that are too tiny to glue back together so you still have chips and cracks… well, thats my heart right now…. Mitch I love that drawstring pouch idea… very nice…. Something different… And I dont think men get sentiment as we do…. I feel like Eeyore today, and I guess my post reflects that….
    Mitch I am sorry you have no one there who you can talk to… I have two friends who I can say anything to…. One has kinda been in my position (kinda being that her longtime boyfriend was rumored to have been cheating, but he completely denies anything) and the other is a more of a mother figure to me… Both Are great friends and are accepting of my feelings, of my choices, and of my need to sometimes just vent…. I have learned my family is not someone to lean on…. they gossip more than the National Enquirer…. and then I have you ladies…. Who I tell 100% truths to, sometimes more than I even admit to myself at the time… I feel no one quite understands what I am going through but you ladies, no one judges me here.. and you all are so very friendly. Cannot ask for more than that in friends, no matter if only through typing, phone, emails, or face to face….. 🙂 I always feel better after writing here. Have a good weekend everyone!

  • Barbie February 16, 2012, 8:38 AM

    Hi Jewels
    I stumbled upon your website when i was on google. I have been reading all the posts and cannot believe it. How many couples cheat on each other! Here is my story: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have an 8 year old daughter together. On January 3, 2012, I discovered that he had cheated on me. He never EVER came clean with me until i literally dragged it out him of on January 3. He denied it of course. After a very long talk he finally told me. After i went to bed destroyed, he wakes me up in the morning to tell me here was two more girls…EMPLOYEES!! Holy Shit…I can tell you that my heart broke in two that day. Three girls, 5 years ago when my daughter was just 3 years old. I am absolutely the definition of a MESS! One day i am happy and the next two days i am crying. I chose to not kick him out of the house for my daughter’s sake. She has been my refuge in the last few months. My husband is very sorry and has been on his best behavior, making me breakfast..etc…Doing everything and i mean everything in his power to not upset me etc…I feel so lost without him because i love him and i did NOT see this coming at all!!!! I don’t know if i want to hurt him or love him. I am walking time bomb right now full of highs and lows. I cannot believe he lied to me for 5 long years about these affairs…I am so hurt, so lonely and devastated by this news. I wish things could back to when we first met and everything was so perfect. But alas i am in this marriage with lies and deception. How does a broken heart mend? How does it heal? Does it ever heal? – Barbie

  • Rhonda February 16, 2012, 12:30 PM

    Barbie,

    Your time line is about the same as mine. I found out a couple weeks before christmas and yes my husband had been lying to me for about 5 years as well. I have four children and my oldest was about 3 when they (more than1) started. The last and most recent one went on for a year and half and my youngest was just a year old when it began. I feel the exact same way as you do every day. I think we are just going to have to learn to be happy and dependant on ourselves and not them. Obviously we were too dependant on them in the first place and that is why we are so devastated by all of this. I don’t feel like my heart will ever mend either and even though my husband is sorry and is trying it just seems like he will never fully understand what he did to me. There is a mean part of me that wishes someone would do this to him, I never could, or that his family knew or that he had some reprocutions besides just me knowing and being destroyed. I don’t know what to believe out of him and not to believe. I know things will never be the same and I know that I will never be the same. I want to be with someone who cherishes and loves me as much as I love them. I feel your pain and I am sorry you are going through this. I can’t believe how many of us are out there, it is so sad. Good Luck to all of you, we need it.

  • AnnieD February 16, 2012, 11:01 PM

    Hi everyone – I haven’t posted in a while, but I do read all of your posts and find so many things in common with you. I’m going through a crisis right now. Valentine’s Day was awful. And I’m not a VD kind of girl. I guess I was just hoping, hoping that he would do something out of the ordinary. Prove to me that I’m special. But no. It was a busy evening, kids, dinner, stuff. So I decided to spice it up – but it backfired on me. Is it because he is with someone else? Is it because of me? Or is it nothing? I’ll never know.
    I think I want a divorce. I cannot get over the fact that he cheated on me, that he was with someone else, that I have listened to voicemails from her saying how much she loved him. Maybe it’s over, maybe it’s not. Maybe he’s with other girls, maybe he’s not. But I can’t live with the fact that he was unfaithful any longer. He’s away on a business trip. I’ve called him a couple of times, and now he’s mad at me. I’m certain it’s because he’s cheating on me. Why else would a husband be mad that hs wife is calling him while he’s on a business trip? Really? I want to tell him this weekend that I want a divorce. I’m scared. We have debt. We have kids. We have family. But I cannot take it anymore. I’ve come to the conclusion that I just can’t take it anymore. You cannot love anyone else while you are unfaithful. Bottom line.

  • REC February 17, 2012, 11:48 AM

    Hi Rhonda and Barbie… with a heavy heart I say welcome……
    It is a sad day when we find out we have been cheated on… disrespected… lied to… and our hearts and spirits are broken… I cannot say I know how you feel with the A happening so long ago….. and finding out more recently, because I did find out recently, on Oct. 29th 2011.. I dont think I will ever forget that date.. and the ow sent me a message the night she slept with my h and then he told he he was done with her. I will say the woman who are on this site are amazing.. strong.. spirit lifting… and I personally dont know how I would be dealing, if I didnt have them! So I say utilize each other any way you need to, to vent, to have a shoulder to cry on, to support, to share…. I am sorry you both even had the need to look for this site….
    AnnieD I feel that when it comes to a point when you say you are done…. You need to do whats best for you and your kids. My Grandmother always said “Where there is a will, there is a way” more than likely there will always be debt… You will always have your kids, therefore a family. I dont honestly know how I would feel if my h became mad at me when I have an outburst, or cry about it, get mad, or call him 1000 times at work… which sometimes I do… more so out of boredom because I am not working right now, than to check up on him… but I am always relieved when he answers the phone timely… My husband cries when I cry about the affair… when something triggers me and I get mad he just looks so sad… He truly seems to regret his actions.. Which by your statements isnt how your husband is acting at all… I feel you should trust your instincts, I have faith in you, that you can get through this. ( and I dont even know you ). Good luck!!!

  • Lee February 17, 2012, 4:14 PM

    It is with a heavy heart & great sadness that I have found this website, but somehow I am so relieved that I did… To know that what I’m feeling is ok…under the circumstances and to have someone that is going through or has been through the same thing to understand and talk to in order to find my way through this.

    So here is my story…I’ve been with my husband for 20 years this August. We were together for 8 years before he proposed and have been married since 2001. I always thought that out of everyone we knew including my sisters, that we would be the ones that could make it through anything…that we would always be together.. but now…I’M SO UNBELIEVABLY LOST!

    I found out in November…(D day Nov 2nd) that he was texting another woman..turns out it was several women..not only had he been texting them..sexting them, exchanging explicit photos with them, he had been doing it online as well with lots of other woman…& it had been going on for over 3 years! Not only did my world crumble..I found out that he had also without my permission or knowledge posted intimate pics of me online as well. & if all of that wasn’t enough, he had met one of his “friends” on more than one occasion for lunch….within the past year.

    Now you need to understand that our marriage other than money issues was strong (or so I seemed)…he was out of work for 4 months the first year, then for 6 weeks the second year, and about 4 weeks the third year..all over the holidays..Thanksgiving & Christmas/New Years. I was very supportive, never degrading…I work a full time job & had a part time Direct Sales job to pay bills while he was collecting unemployment…Our sex life had never been better…I kept telling him that as long as we had each other it would all be ok and would all work out.

    Well…apparently “he got bored looking for a job the 1st time he was out of work and needed a break so he turned to the internet” looking at porn and some websites (that he had been on before & I had caught him about 3-4 years prior and we had been through the hole issue that chatting in my book with another woman…a real person is cheating! Looking at porn together is one thing but chatting with another woman behind my back and having an explicit conversation that you hide from me is cheating! Being a member of a website that you have paid for and talk back and forth with others about sex & hide it from me is cheating! It took a while but I got over it and eventually trusted him again. I heard the whole “I will never do it again” “It will never happen again” “I’m sorry”…) So , here I am yet AGAIN…only a million times worse!

    There are not too many people I can talk to..I have lots of friends only my oldest sister and two of my friends that I work with know the whole story..A few others know something is not right with me/us and my parents are starting to ask a lot of questions. I just tell them we are going through some things and trying to work through it and that I will be okay.

    He swears he didn’t sleep with any of them. On D Day when I confronted him, he of course tried to lie his way out of it…little did he know that I had already called the number he had in his phone as a man and it was a woman’s voice mail. I told him he had a choice..he either called them in front of me or I would! To my surprise there were three that he called..one of which when she answered he said “hey it’s me” like a slap across my face! That is the one he had been having the relationship with for the entire 3 + years! I took the phone from him and asked her questions. she lied & said it was about a year. They both said that it never got physical. He swears to me that he never ever even touched her..not a touch on the arm or hand or hug or kiss or anything. But he had lunch with her in a public place on more than one occ. in her vehicle. He says it was like 3 times. (I work 15 mins from him & he has never once asked me to meet him for lunch) He swears to me that it started online and with the texting/sexting but went to friendship and that’s all it was…I find it so hard to believe him! I don’t nor have I ever exchanged naked pictures or explicit conversations with any of my friends, male or female! He somehow doesn’t think he cheated on me…says his definition of cheating is f’ing. PAALEASE! I told him to put himself in my shoes and how would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot and he found out I had done all of this to him… I told him he was Lucky…because he would never feel that pain/hurt/betrayal among other feelings because I don’t have it in me to do so!

    We can’t afford counseling and I’ve already checked & it isn’t covered under his insurance for him to go. I have none. We have read the book “The Five Love Languages” and he listens when I talk. He says he’s sorry a million times. I’ve been through the angry stage & yelling at him … it solved nothing. I’ve been through the extreme sadness…I see it every day when I look in the mirror in my eyes…It just doesn’t go away. I haven’t had a good nights sleep in god knows how long.

    My problem is that I can’t find the words to put to my thoughts/feelings to in order to express them to him. I see glimmers of him trying…I stopped wearing my wedding rings a couple of weeks after I found out all of this… I told him that I felt what they stood for was broken. I am wearing a set of rings to show I am married (fake ones that I used to sell). I just feel so lost..I can’t see my life without him but I also don’t know my life without him…I met him 2 weeks before I turned 18. Two of my friends thinks I should leave…it’s not that easy! The other is extremely supportive that it is my decision and she just helps me think things through. Just needed someone else that had been through it to help me see …. I guess. Thanks for reading my soap opera of a life story…any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

  • Morganaleigh February 18, 2012, 2:58 AM

    I am very sorry for all the hear ache that you have gone through. I have been cheated on myself, and as a result, vowed that I would never ever date a married man nor cheat on anyone. Well, unfortunately, I started dating a man a few months ago and I just found out that he is married. I had no idea, and I felt so ashamed and humiliated that I had been lied to and used by some creep. I have been torn as to what I should do. Do I tell the wife? If so, what do I tell her? I know if it were my husband, I would NOT want to be that last to know. But what is the right thing to do here? Also, I do not want to hurt someone else, but on the other hand, he sort of made me a part of the whole mess – without my consent! Anyway, Again, I am sorry to see the pain and suffering that has been inflicted upon you. Honestly, after this, I don’t think I could ever trust someone again if they cheated on me. In addition, I have seen so many married men cheating that I just don’t think I could trust a man once he had a ring on his finger.

  • Ella February 18, 2012, 1:15 PM

    Wow — all of the stories are so similar. Lee — you story is a little similar to mine. I think my husband was emailing several women at the same time. One he used the L word with. Two of them were married with little ones at home. It’s devastating. I have chosen to stay with him for now, but I had triggers beyond belief and it’s been nearly a year– March 2011 since DDay. Last night was unbelievable — we were sitting at dinner with two couples and they saw a man at the bar who they know (who is married) hitting on another woman. They said — “he’s married” — his poor wife — she is a doll and works really hard at her job. And there was her husband at a bar hitting on another. I literally got sick to my stomach as my husband had driven this person from work to her car (she took a bus) – -and they would stop for a drink somewhere — both of them wearing their wedding rings. And then I know they would kiss in the car before she drove home. Sickens me — because the people we were with called this other man “a hound” — when we drove home I was quiet. My husband asked me why — and I said — because I don’t want to be married to “a hound” — he was devastated. I had not brought up the topic for about a month — but this just killed me. He has been extra careful to be honest with me, comes home early, takes me on business trips and is doing everything right – but I just hate what he did to me. He says he is no longer that way — he’s disgusted by the type of person he was then and can’t believe how badly he hurt me. It just stinks that there is such a black mark on the marriage– no more “happily ever after” — I have to re-write the ending to that fairy tale. Maybe we should all write a new story…….and tell young girls how it really goes…… 🙁 Have a good weekend all. Mitch and Rec — hope you are doing well!!!! Miss hearing from you.

    • Jewels February 19, 2012, 1:13 AM

      Hello my friends,

      Thanks for the Valentine’s day wishes! I spent Valentine’s day alone, I live by myself (with my kids), but I was not lonely – at all. As most of you know I am at a different place than most on this post. I enjoy being alone, I am discovering me, learning about me, and it has been an incredible ride – so Valentine’s was just another day in my book, I wasn’t sad, wasn’t lonely, and I think part of it had to do with this site, and knowing that I am not really alone at all because of all of you – so thank you for that!!

      AnnieD, you are embarking on a new phase of your recovery. I know you have alot on your plate, as I had as well when I made my decision. But once you make it, and really stand by it, you will notice something will happen, weight will be lifted off of you, it’s amazing. You have a road ahead of you, and of course know that you have us hear to support you through it.

      Barbie – welcome. I think your question on healing depends. Remember there is healing on two sides – healing of you personally (your emotions, feelings, ect), and healing of the marriage. You can control your healing in time (right now it’s too early, you are in the devastation stage). But the healing of the marriage has to do with both you and your husband. Is he an open book now (meaning willing to give you access to email and phone when asked?), is he willing to go through therapy to discover why he was doing this behind your back? All of these things will lead you to the answer of healing of the marriage. So it just depends. For now, your emotions are not in a state to heal because they are in shock. Every woman on this post has been there, your in emotional shock and you just have to let those emotions go through you, you can not control this stage. But you will get through it and at that time, you can take a look at how to heal. I wish you well, hugs.

      Lee – I see you are really struggling with this. One of the things I think that is causing so much tension is that your husband is in denial. The truth is most men will deny anything sexual unless there is actual proof. I am saying this with a heavy heart, but if he has been interacting with someone for 3 years, I find it hard to believe he has not done anything but lunch 3 times. It doesn’t add up. For him to go on a site and actively send sexual pics, that in itself is like saying ‘hey everyone, I am available’. And tell him to take those damn pics of you off the internet (smile)!

      So in order for anything to take place, he has to really open up, I am not sure if he is there yet, seems like there is more to share. And unfortunately you can not force him to do that, but you could through your actions indicate your discontent with him not fully disclosing everything. Because the first step is disclosure, and I think he has some more to share with you before moving forward. I know you can not afford counseling, but maybe looking at some books on porn addiction and marriage recovery would be good. If I were you, I would get the books, and tell him to lead the way (meaning he reads it, he comes and talks to you to go through the exercises), this is one way to see if he is really serious about getting help. Take Care.

      Rhonda – your words about being dependent on them in the first place is SO rich. Seriously if I could get a podium and shout to anyone that is going to get married, I would tell them to never become totally dependent on your husband. Have your own. I put everything into my husband and the fall was devastating. But I have come out and learned so much, and a key thing was learning that I should of never put my entire dependence on my husband. I should of had my own dreams, my own interests, and my own confidence.

      Morganaleigh – Such a tough call. These comments are always the most difficult for me to respond to – should I tell or not. I will tell you for what it is worth in my experience, whenever the OW is married and cheating with another husband, the husband of the OW calls and says either you tell your wife or I will.

      It’s hard to say in your situation because I do not know the husband and if he would say anything if you asked him to. But I would want to know, and I always say if you are telling the wife out of a place of wanting to really help, great. If you are wanting to tell the wife to get back at him, don’t do it. Ultimately you have to decide, go with what you feel is the right thing to do.

  • Barbie February 19, 2012, 9:22 PM

    Thanks for the replies. I am very happy I found y’all 🙂 My husband and I were very much in love..lust…I was 29 he was 33 when we married. We opened a restaurant in Oct/03 and we had my daughter in Feb/04. Needless to say from that point on, our lives would never be the same at all! He worked late hours and I was taking care of a baby. Living separate but somewhat together lives. He cheated with three different women in the span of a year. We were both very lonely people trying to make this ‘new’ family thing work. I then began to help him at the restaurant with my daughter in daycare. He cheated on me when she was 3. The bastard. It happened in the house we lived in because she (OW) rented the room in the basement AND was his sous chef. Yup. He claims that SHE asked him to kiss her… He then had the audacity to continue with one more employee and an old friend of the family. Unbelievable really! I am angry and disappointed that he could look me in the eyes and LIE to me for the last 5 years! I cannot look at him as he grovels for my attention. He is a coward and a liar. I asked him to move out of our home today. I told him I feel no love for him now. He did not like this! He said he doesn’t want to leave his ‘matriomonial home…I said that has no right to tell me no! He had the scariest look in his eye because for the first time in our relationship I was standing my ground! He was begging for me not to make this decision based on our daughter who will feel it the most. How are kids affected in all of this? Can we save them from our trespasses? Aaaaahhh so confused right now!

  • Lee February 20, 2012, 11:03 AM

    I came across this, and had to share with you ladies! A friend sent this to me in January. It has been taped to my refrigerator so he has to look at it more than once every day!

    Every woman deserves a man who calls her baby, kisses her like he means it, holds her like he never wants to let her go, doesn’t cheat or lie, wipes her tears when she cries, doesn’t make her jealous of other women, instead makes other women jealous of her, is not scared to let his friends know how he really feels about her, and lets her know how much he really loves her!

    I’ll post more from me later…just wanted to take a minute to share this with you ladies. 🙂

  • Ella February 22, 2012, 4:01 PM

    Wow Lee from USA — I love this!!!!! Wonder if I could send this to my husband and tell him this is how a wife wants to feel…….. You know how they say we have to be more direct. This pretty much sums it up. Love it and thanks for sharing. Is there a guy’s version – -so we know in no uncertain terms what they want…….

  • REC February 23, 2012, 10:56 AM

    Not in a million years would I have ever thought my husband would turn out to be a cheater… yes, I know most women, perhaps all, hope or think they know as well the same. But, I HAVE been with guys who I didnt trust in the presence of other women, and that is why those relationships didnt last long… My husband on the other hand, I thought was a noble, faithful, all around good guy… Did I ever catch him in lies… ( I dont know who broke that dish) Yeah I did… did it make me upset… Absolutely, Would I leave him over those… ummm no… That being said, after I made it public what my husband did, one of his friends said to me ” Hes one of the most trustworthy, honest guys I know, what did YOU do to make him do this?” And I sat for a second before replying…. ” After a nice family dinner and movie night, my husband calls up some Wh*** (sorry for offensive language) Asks her to “meet him” so he can screw her and you ask ME what I did to HIM??? ” I was floored, I was pissed, and then I started wondering what did I do? And I know…. KNOW for a fact I didnt MAKE him make that choice.. Maybe our marriage wasnt where it should have been, maybe my complaining or whatever made him unhappy, but nothing excuses him, nothing gave him that right to have sex, unprotected sex nevertheless, with another human being… And I have said before, Since I have had it happen to ME… I feel like I see it happening right and left… But I guess it goes along with the New Car Syndrome, you never a certain type of car in your neighborhood until you buy it.. then you see them all over. Im sad for all the women who found this blog, and moreso for the women who need this blog, but have not found it.
    Ella, your story about the married man at the bar made me think of how I was before this experience. I never thought for a second I would ever accept and stay with a man who cheated on me. I never thought for a second it would happen to me (currently) like I stated above. And I would think, or sometimes say… ” How can she stay with him knowing what he did to her” I was very judgemental… But the saying Don’t judge unless you have been in their shoes is sooo true… I have learned many lessons from this. Not being quick to judge being at the top.. But also not everything is as black and white as it appears, and I also learned that I am a strong woman. Anyone who does not let this situation break them… Is strong! I do hope everything is well with you too Ella… and just know, I dont want to be married to a hound either…

  • Mitch February 23, 2012, 12:03 PM

    Ella.. Lee from USA.. Rec

    Firstly,, love the note Lee…sure says it all and I agree with Ella.. if only there was one for what a man wants.. although i am sure there isn’t we could surely make one.. however… it would have to be more like wallpaper than a note as that is how much paper it would take to fill their wants list!! ha ha
    Ella.. forgive me.. as I had to laugh about the story with the hound.. laugh as in unbelievable laugh.. i just think these men brains work from another solar system as how could he not see that he was also the hound? Talk about oblivious! I am glad he has seen the light with that statement and hopefully you will continue to have further progression! It just makes me sad to see that you said you had not brought up the subject for a month.. sad in that we can nearly count how long we don’t bring it up.. and why.. because we don’t want to start another argument.. yet.. it’s not our fault that this has become part of us because of them yet we have to avoid the subject to keep peace and harmony = yet what peace have we got mentally??? One thing I do know it like Rec agreed.. our love is there but it’s not the same and probably never will be. I know for sure that I may walk around smiling.. but am I happy.. not a chance in hell.. There may be fleeting moments but mainly I am still sooo sad.. I just don’t show it as much but crying all the time so as not to upset Mr happiness. I know when I look in the mirror all i see is sad.. drawn face.. no light in my eyes.. I feel like I haven’t slept in years yet I don’t let it show verbally just to keep the peace. If I am quiet he thinks I am happy.. and that’s what counts! I then think how sad I am for putting up with this but the problem is I do love him.. somewhat.. he was also my first love and I was never looking for another even when we were at our worst! There is so much I do not like about him but I knew what he was like when we got married and accepted it..well as best I could as he wasn’t going to change! As Rec said – the friend asked what did she do wrong – ha.. we all did wrong.. it takes two to tango but then we all know we weren’t perfect in our marriages but that does not give those feckers the right to do what they did to us! Bloody stupid mindless idiots!!!! I guess as I am coming up to my D day of when he was with her I am getting more and more upset. i still keep looking for signs there is something going on.. or finding something hidden to see what was said in letters.. something.. i don’t know what.. I just keep thinking there is something there and it drives me demented! I guess I was just never good enough.. my hair wasn’t the right colour.. my weight far too much in past few years but not all my fault due to thyroid problems.. yet when his sister asked him would he love me more If I hadn’t been as fat he said yes.. that’s just bloody sad! I could understand he would lust me more if I was skinny but love should be unconditional.. obviously not in my case.. hence he found what he wanted.. short (so he could feel taller for a change.. no doubt… dark hair, thin (and wrinkly I might add) and more his age! His typical woman! ( Probably a bigger insult to say my husband left me for an older woman!!) Probably should have stayed with her as nothing drastic is going to happen to me physically any time soon! I try to make myself look better but sometimes you just can’t turn a frog into a princess neither!!!!!
    Rec.. we certainly are all experiencing the new car syndrome.. that’s just how it goes! And for sure.. we have all been there.. quick to judge until it came to us.. it sure is a humbling experience! Might I add the friend who asked what you did to make him do that – is a dickhead!!!!!! No matter what we did or didn’t do… in no way did we make them cross that line.. they did that themselves with no thought whatsoever to who they hurt beside their wives.. not even how it would effect their kids… and the worst for me is she took him to the airport where he openly held hands and kissed her.. not even bothering if someone he knew saw them… he was that convinced he was done with me – so why the fek is he staying now!????? Argh.. analyse this, analyse that.. it goes on forever this bloody torment! Yes Ella.. methinks it is time to rewrite those fairy tales and say wakey wakey to all those who think this will never happen to them.. never say never so the saying goes and how bloody right it is! Okay… next time before |I waffle on i will warn you to make the tea first to keep you awake from reading this same crap over and over again!! Sorry girls… okey dokey on a brighter note.. enjoy the rest of the day! xxxx

  • Ella February 23, 2012, 3:25 PM

    Mitch – love your expressions! I crack up as well. So it’s helpful to hear from you!!! I feel everything you write. It all stinks. I just want to snap out of it. I put some good music on — and I felt great in my car — but that’s where it ended. Then I get home and look around. I have a nice lifestyle — but is it worth is to compromise my values? How can I truly be happy with someone who is capable of what he did. …. And I understand the public displays you mentioned. Like at the airport — my H did it at local restaurants and bars while wearing his wedding ring. “Ain’t nothing but a hound dog” — I have to laugh because it’s just so pathetic and sick. Oh well — off to the rest of the evening — I look forward to my dreams…..!

  • Mitch February 24, 2012, 4:16 AM

    Ella.. hope you dreamt well! I now go to sleep with earphones “watching” big bang theory to which I fall asleep quicker than I ever did.. this way I don’t have to listen to my thoughts last thing at night and deal with the frustrating questions in my head!!!!!!
    My H read my post last night as I had left it open while it was loading.. he has read a few of them before.. but anyway.. after he read it he went on to open a new page and look up motorbikes then called me to look at a picture of one – really – so you read something so personal and emotional and you can’t even feel bad for one second.. give me a hug – anything – no – just close your mind like it never happened..!! Then when I get mad he wonders why? I said how can he be so emotionless- inconsiderate? heartless? It’s times like these that I think what the hell did I marry? How can something like that not effect you in the slightest? He just thinks when I go on the site I get more depressed reading everyone else’s problems but that’s far from the truth as it’s the opposite.. what I write may be depressing but at the same time knowing everyone else is in the same boat and understands makes me feel better! UGH – where’s my bloody Flinstone Club when I need it???????????? Then when we are watching telly the series that’s one is about infidelity – in two programmes last night – then again he’s like oh my god I can’t even watch anything without it being brought up – well buster – you’re the cause of it so get used to it because you are despicable for what you did and it’s just a constant reminder that for once doesn’t come from me! Arrgghh – I hate him – i hate him – I hate him!!!!! So why do I still love him? Thank god I can’t afford counselling as I would be there for the next ten years!!!!!! Ok… better start cleaning the house before I go into work! Enjoy your day Ella.. take the doggie for a walk – put on some music and bop along so that it’s not just limited to the car as I get where you’re coming from with that! Maybe we should move into our cars!!!! Later xx

  • Colleen February 29, 2012, 12:08 AM

    My husband has destroyed me with cheating. He has admitted it and is living with another woman, not the original one he cheated with, but an old girlfriend because he had nowhere to go after I asked him to leave. He is an alcoholic who began drinking again and then cheated.

    Somehow he “requires” me to be nice to him and asks me for favors all the time yet when I ask him for some help after he basically abandoned me he won’t do it. He says he’s tired of me “dishing out a dose of pain” every time we talk, as if I should forget everything he did.

    What happened was we had a great and loving marriage until few months ago when he started having relapses. I thought we could get through them until when I was stuck downtown in a snowstorm he left me for another woman. He actually left facebook open on our computer and it had a chat with a woman he told me he named his daughter after because he liked her when he was in high school (20 years ago). Basically it said they were meeting for drinks at her house and it was after hours.

    I left him an enraged message on his phone and he didn’t call me for three days even though I called again and again and begged him to let me know what was going on … he finally called, drunk and said he had no good news to tell me, that he had always loved her and he didn’t plan for it to happen but it did..finally he came home to get some clothes and was cold and uncaring to me, and drunk out of his mind..said he had to do this or he would regret it for the rest of his life…told me he loved her more than me. Turns out she became freaked out by his behavior and called the cops after like two more days. He had the audacity to tell me “we’re just gonna have to get back together.” This was a person he had no seen or spoken to for 20 years. Except recently on facebook. I guess he had big delusions.

    I hated him so much at that moment I told him to get out. But he had nowhere to go so for the next two days he put me through a hell of being so intoxicated that he kept me up nonstop and wouldn’t stop babbling and being belligerent. I had to call the medics I was afraid he was going to overdose, but they said he was ok and the police could not make him leave.

    Finally, he found this tramp to stay with. He still wants to be friends but every time we talk I am just so hurt and angry that it ends up in a fight. I try not talking to him, but it is hard as I loved him so much, and part of me still does, but I cannot forgive him. It’s barely been a month and I am filled with rage and crushing sorrow. He is angry that I can’t stop bringing it up. He’ll say “this isn’t how people who love each other treat each other” and of course what do I say? People who love each other don’t run off and cheat.

    Now we have had the blowout of all blowout. All I want him to do is sign the divorce papers but he won’t come over and won’t give me his address so I can mail them. He says to mail them to his mom’s, he hates me because I’ve become a crazy person. Then says bad stuff about my dad, who is helping me fix the torn up bathroom that my husband left behind.

    Basically I am lost and sobbing again as I write this. I don’t know who he is or who he’s become. The hardest part is him blaming me, saying we would have got back together and he would have gone to treatment if I would have been nice. I begged him to go and he told me he never wanted to stop drinking and if we were together I would make him stop. I guess he has selective memory. Now he has made me the bad guy.

    I am sorry I am rambling I am just in so much pain I don’t know what to do. As much as I hate him I still love him and thinking of never talking to him again freaks me out. It is probably for the best though.

  • Susan February 29, 2012, 2:58 PM

    Hi Ladies
    It’s been awhile since I posted but I do read all of them that come in.
    Mitch I can see you with the head phones on watching Big Bang Theory and it brings a smile. That show is perfect match to your sense of humor.
    Ella and Rec so sorry to hear you’re still struggling so much, the limbo stage is he’ll, the triggers are gut wrenching. I’m still triggered very often and my D Day was July 17, 2009. I don’t want to discourage anyone , I just had a lot of huge issues that compounded things. I was recently in a 2 wk inpatient program for PTSD and depression at the local Univetsity Hospital at no charge!!! What a fantastic experience, it has given me some hope that eventually I will be able to regulate the extreme emotional reactions I have to triggers and intrusive thoughts. It’s painful work as were going back to early childhood. I was put on a med called Parasosin or mini press. The Seattle V.A. Found it works with nightmares and intrusive thoughts in combat vets and it’s given me some relief already. It’s an old blood pressure medication really cheap and no major side effects. Might be something some of you want to explore. I’ve found that if my brain isn’t spinning all night with this crap then I’m not waking up to it being my first conscious thought and that’s a first literally since July 17, 2009. Not a miracle cure but definitely helping.
    Colleen: sorry to welcome you to the site but glad you found us. Jewels also has a thread on Facebook cheating but I hope you also stay here on this one as these are all awesome women. As a former addictions counselor and in recovery myself, you my friend have many major issues going on all at same time. In my mind divorce is a sad but necessary option, he can destroy you financially, hurt someone in a car accident that then you would also be liable for . It will give you the ability to ask for supervised visits with your daughter etc… I know that’s a lot to take in but you have a tiger by the tale. By taking immediate action now to protect yourself and your family doesn’t mean you won’t ever see him again. It just means your not at the mercy of his alcoholism. Perhaps he will get sober in the future ,go to treatment, live in sober housing and you can decide if you want a life with him as a husband. His game playing and blaming is all part of his disease. He is emotionally the age he was when he started abusing alcohol and/or other drugs so in all likelihood you’re literally dealing with a bratty self entitled teenager. I suggest you find an Al Anon group and get support from people that have dealt with this. I’m thinking of you and if I can help please post about it.
    Lee I loved your poem the only sucky thing is that the text I finally caught him with said”Im sorry baby” that still kills me because as your poem said that such a tender loving special word.
    Well enough of my yammering. Thinking of you all and wanting the best for each and everyone of you. Hi Jewels;)
    Susan

  • Colleen March 1, 2012, 8:49 PM

    Susan,
    thanks for answering. I agree with everything you said and had taken measures right away, such as separating our car insurance and phones right after he went off the deep end. Luckily, we never had joint accounts and the house was mine before we met. He doesn’t have a pot to piss in, excuse my language. I have heard about drug/alcohol abusers being stuck at the age he started using, and he does act like a bratty teenager, lol. I have gone to al anon and was seeing a counselor for awhile and it has helped. It’s great to hear from someone who knows what it’s like. I realize it’s a terrible disease but I have no control over his actions and have to let go and let him do what he may. It’s just so sad seeing him destroy his life and mine with his addiction. Talking to him is difficult, he still calls me “honey” as if nothing has changed. At least I am trying to stop fighting with him because he’s irrational and I have to take everything he says and try to remember that. But it is hard and I have a temper. I am trying to limit contact but like I said it is hard..but I do feel calm and more peaceful when he isn’t causing chaos in my life. I’m just in mourning for what we had, like I’m sure the rest of you are as well. All he can say is he doesn’t know why he did it and is sorry, but his apologies are pretty lame and not what I need (begging and groveling on the floor at my feet would be good.) I always have a sense of humor at least. I know this is harsh, but I feel like men are “apes” in so many ways. It’s a joke my sisters and I have when we see men engaging in ape-like behavior; saying stupid stuff without thinking, etc. Perhaps I will marry, Deezer, my cat. He makes messes but never talks back and very snuggly and adoring. 🙂
    At least I can joke about it now, a few days ago I was in a bad place.

  • REC March 2, 2012, 4:36 PM

    Hi everyone,
    Feeling a little more frustrated now than I did 10 minutes ago…. took me that long to write a long message and then it disappeared… hmmm….So here goes again……
    Colleen… I cannot imagine what you are going through having your H cheat and have to deal with his addiction. I hope you pull through this.. Just know that the women here are great supporters!
    Susan, I am glad you are taking something that seems to help you a bit… I hope that continues… Its sad to know after so long you still get triggers… Wonder how long before it all stops driving us crazier than we were beforehand 🙂 ( Well at least I know I was) That being said… thank you for the kind words… everyday I hope that my day isnt affected by a trigger, memory or a thought…. I do get through a while before something pops a bubble then BLAM! Crazy…..
    That being said my D day was 5 days before I had surgery in Nov….. Big problems in my heart and brain…. I am having surgery in 6 days and Im getting deja vu feelings…. (7 before my surgery… he lied about his cell phone not being charged so I couldnt use it…. 6 days before my surgery he had sex with her and 5 days was when I found out) soooo…. Im not feeling so good right now… so sad, frustrated, mad…. my emotions are zinging faster than when I am PMSing… I feel the only people in the world I can talk to is the women on this site… WHY? Because this is a judge free zone… No one judges me for being mad or sad no one judges me for letting things bother me… No one tells me how crazy or foolish I am for having these behaviors …. You ladies let me be me… listen ( or read in this case) my venting… and sometimes have a witty or caring comment in return…

    Hope everyone else is doing well…. Sorry about the downer post… 🙂

  • Ella March 5, 2012, 6:59 AM

    Susan and Rec — Thanks for the notes on the triggers. I am struggling so much with them. I think because I’m coming up on my D Day 1-year anniversary in a couple of weeks. Ruined my St. Patrick’s Day last year. I have had two triggers the last three nights. I know some of my reaction is hormonal — so it’s worse — but I’m really not over the humiliation at this point. I know he is doing all the right things — and he is moving forward. But at times I still feel like I’m going backwards and don’t know what to do. We were out with a couple on Saturday night and coming home we passed a house — and our neighbor said “that’s where that doctor lives — they were going through a divorce — he was running around with every woman in the city”…… and so that just did it. How embarrassing for the wife – and that’s what I thought about me. So our “nice night out” ended with me in a fit of rage — still have so much hurt. I just want to fix me — he can deal with his own issues. I know self-esteem is his problem and me going off on him and telling him about the horrible things he has done is making it worse — so I wonder if we can ever get to a place where we can both build each other back up. I can’t be the person who builds him up right now. He has been great this past year. My Thursday night melt-down ended with me questioning why I would stay given so many offenses. (emotional affairs — but who knows if that’s really true – I see how women who are trying to steal them are — they are out for the jugular)So how do we get the respect back????? Really struggling today. Will watch The Bachelor tonight so I feel a little better — that’s a true train wreck. 😉 Have a great day ladies. I’m just so thankful you’re all here.

  • Em March 5, 2012, 2:02 PM

    Barbie,
    Every child is different….I will tell you that they are very perseptive and notice changes in their parents behavior. My kids did….my kids, well two of them knew that he was not acting like he did before. My oldest son knew his dad was cheating but never said anything because he was affraid of hurting me. I left my H, I did stay for 6 months untill more issues surfaced and the web of lies was closing in. My 5 year old says he likes are house now because it’s happy. We painted there rooms and changed somethings up…now it is “our” home. The funny thing is my kids would prefer that their dad doesn’t come into the house anymore…so he now has to wait outside for them because that is what they wanted. I talked to my kids and told them what was going on and why their father and I were divorcing….they could see somethings. I also made it clear that it had nothing to do with them and not to own any of this, they are the best kids in the world and are loved by both parents very much. I will tell you that my kids were made at their Dad for what he did and they did have some feelings of hatered because as I, they also felt like they were not good enough for him not to have cheated and take the chance of ruining our family. They also saw him not put any effort into putting our family back togeher and were relieved when he was gone. Some times they will visit him but not all the time and that is a result of his behavior…he leaves the older two to babysit the youngest while he goes out. They see his truck at the bar everyday and feel like the bar is more important to him then they are. He tells them that he doesn’t have any money to take them anywhere or do anything for them…guess not when you hang out at a bar everyday.

  • Lee March 5, 2012, 4:00 PM

    Haven’t had time to post, but have been reading along through my email. I am so grateful and blessed for this site and you ladies! Jewels your ebook has been so unbelievably helpful..I can’t even put into words! I have asked my husband to read it to give him a different perspective on my thoughts & feelings..

    So I guess here is an update with me & my soap opera of a life…Valentines day was nice. We have been married for 10 1/2 years (together for 19 1/2 years) & it was the first flower I’ve gotten from my husband since we have been married. He surprised me with a beautiful pink rose (that the cat loved more than me and ate 1/2 of it overnight) and two really nice thoughtful cards as well as a small box of chocolates. I know he is trying but as all of you know it is so hard!

    I know what you ladies mean about the triggers! Friday was 4 months after D day for me…It was hard emotionally & then work was nuts and the weather was really bad and just everything in general made it a really rough day! I had found the longest one…the one he met in person on FB…and it’s just human nature to look at her page (mostly private) everytime I’m on there…How ironic that her motto is the golden rule…do unto others as you would have them do unto you…guess that’s why the B**** isn’t married anymore herself! Sorry…that’s just how I feel! I’ve tried to live my life by that rule since I heard it when I was little…guess some people don’t learn…shame is she has three kids…what kind of example does what she does set for her daughter…ok…moving on before I say something not so nice…..

    My husband has really been trying. He checks on me at least twice a day via text (so neither of us get in trouble at work) to see how I am doing. To see how my day is going. It does lift my spirits. He packs my lunch for me on most days now without me having to ask…and always on his own places a sweet little note in there. I have them on my wall at work to get me through the rough moments. I know in my heart that he loves me. He tells me all the time and tries in his own ways to show it. I do love him, and always will..but he knows that I am not “in love” with him and that it’s gonna take a lot for me to get to that point. He knows I don’t forgive him…

    This past weekend was a really good weekend. We spent the whole weekend just us…didn’t answer the phone & only left the house to run to the store for the rest to make dinner. We talked a lot. It was like we shut the whole world out and focused on just us. When we went to the store he opened the doors for me on the vehicle & the store & put his hand on the small of my back and led me into the store…The little things that made me fall in love with him all those years ago. I told him that I have reached the point of acceptance with this…That I know that there is nothing I can do to make it go away…no matter how much he wants to he can’t take it back or make it go away either. & there is no putting the pieces back together…cause that would just be putting the broken pieces back the way they were and I can’t do that…if this is going to work then we have to rebuild our relationship/marriage to kind of start fresh from scratch. I know he gets frustrated that I won’t have sex with him. He said he knows it was all his fault…when I asked why…he said it had nothing to do with me…it was because he was stupid and selfish and didn’t see what was right in front of him…what he had in me…what he had together. He said he knows that I don’t forgive him and accepts that. That he’s is doing the best he knows to do. (Not making excuses for him in any way at all…It’s not like he had good role models growing up!) That he is trying the only way he knows how. I had only kissed him once since D day…I’d give him a smooch on the cheek every day but nothing more than that and a hug. I finally allowed myself to let him kiss me this weekend. I can feel the love there and see it in his eyes…I’m just way to afraid to let my guard down! It’s only been 4 months since I found out (had been going on for over 3 years) He swears to me that I know it all that he has told me the truth about everything…I just keep feeling that something else is gonna drop on me! I know that I have to get to the point that I don’t feel that way anymore.

    Over the past 4 months we have had a lot of talks/discussions/fights…I told him that he was lucky…cause most women put in the position that he put me in would have walked away without a second thought & without looking back. He said he knew how lucky he was and that he knew it was going to take hard work and faith to get through this. He said he knew he F’d up and F’d up bad…that he could see it and feel it everyday every time he looked at me he could see what he had done in my eyes and the pain it had caused. That I can’t sleep and he was the cause of that…That he was sorry & it would never ever happen again…I said I’d heard that before…He said that seeing the back of my head walking out the door was what woke him up ( i left one night pissed and didn’t call or come back for a few hours & when I did I threw all his crap off of the bed in the living room floor & slammed the bedroom door) Gee…I should have done that on D Day huh…

    So…I’m trying to be optimistic…but we all know how difficult that is. I have to give him a little credit that he is trying. My mom was taken to the ER by ambulance last weekend & he never batted an eye…took me to pick up my dad & then to the hospital and stayed all day without griping one bit…I was dumfounded! He hates hospitals & never goes unless I threaten him… My mom is ok by the way…she was there for a few days & they still don’t know whats wrong…

    I will talk to you ladies soon. Thanks for listening…It means so much to have a support system! Thank you again for this Jewels! HUGS 🙂

  • Mitch March 5, 2012, 4:19 PM

    Rec.. this is just a quickie… i only saw posts yesterday and no time to reply and busy at work.. now i am off to Spain for 4 days leaving early tomorrow morning.. don’t know what pc access i will have but I just wanted to say I hope all goes well with your op and thinking of you!
    To the rest of the gang i shall put my two pennies worth on my return providing i don’t meet up with a dishy Spaniard and run off with him! yea right.. my luck the only male I will get is the fly in my soup!! Right ho.. adios amigos” and to the rest of you guys… we’re all in a crap place but one day at a time… that’s all we can do! At least here.. we can do it together!!

    • Jewels March 7, 2012, 2:03 AM

      Hello Everyone,

      I wish everyone well and big hugs!! I do read every comment, but not able to comment as much, which I am struggling with, but keeping a positive attitude.


      Lee
      – Thanks for your kind words about the book. I enjoyed reading your update, I think you and your husband are on the right track, and he seems to be very patient with you, which is essential in this process. I hope by this time next year you will be on the positive recovery section of the site, the link is below if you need a pick me up, you and others will be inspired.

      https://www.acheatinghusband.com/old/positive-recovery-stories/

      Mitch
      – quickie – meeting up with a dishy Spaniard – too funny! You have a wonderful trip, make having fun a priority!

      Ella
      – I responded to you in another section of the site about your Thursday situation, I hope you feel better. I never thought in a million years I would see someone say that watching the Bachelor made them feel alot better because it’s such a train wreck lol!!

      REC
      – I hope your surgery is a success, it’s unfortunate that it’s a trigger for you because of the timing of the affair and finding out, I wish you a speedy recovery!

      Susan – Hello! I am glad you went through a program that helped, I always enjoy you talking about the different methods and ways that you cope. I admire your willingness to keep fighting to feel better. I hope things are getting better for you.

      Colleen
      – I am sorry you are in such a state. It’s all scattered throughout the site, but there are many comments about women dealing with an alcoholic spouse, and I did not have that personally, but reading all of the stories, it seems very difficult. I know that he makes you feel like you are in the wrong, or that you keep bringing it up. He is so sensitive to his actions that he can not understand that you are bringing these things up in order to help you heal, not to bash him. But many men do this, they want us to get over it and move on so that they do not have to face their own mistake. But you can’t fix a marriage if you don’t talk, so it’s a tough situation, but I know you are a strong person and you will get through this. And he is at a point now where he does not realize the full impact, but trust me, he will. They always wake up and realize how they are going to lose such a great lover and friend, and unfortunately many times by the time they find out, it’s just too darn late, the damage is too much. I wish you well, hugs!

      To everyone else on this thread, stay strong, you might not think you are progressing, but you are!!

  • Eli March 11, 2012, 1:13 PM

    Hi everyone,
    I’ve been reading these posts for a while and I can’t tell you how helpful and inspirational I always find them. Now I feel like sharing my own experience with you. when I was 6 month pregnant with our daughter, I found out that he had been having a phone chat with a young girl for a while and they seemed so close to me. I began crying my heart out and my husband was remorseful, so for the sake of our child and my love for him and our marriage , I forgave him but a year later I happened to find out that the girl was still texting him from time to time. I confronted him and he said the girl was just crazy and didn’t actually get any response from him! I tried to forget it again. 4 years passed. last year mt husband started coming home late and ignoring me to death. I asked him to have it out with me and he said he had decided to leave me and live a life with another woman. I didn’t believe him. for a year we lived separate while I was trying my best to have him back. I tool counseling. he didn’t want to see all my efforts at all. he didn’t even touch me! he kept saying that if I wanted him back , I would have to agree to have a second child!! I didn’t agree and he said he wouldn’t come back unless I agreed. then one evening he came home telling me he wanted no more children and was willing to get back to me. I was happy. then the next day he forgot to sign out of his email and I saw that he had sent a very romantic email to his secretary telling her that he loved her so much and would never forget her no matter what! I confronted him and he said the girl had left him and wanted him to get back to his married life. I was so hurt and humiliated. I could not get over it. I filed for divorce and six months ago we got divorced. I have been through a lot of pain too. I feel much better now with myself and my daughter. two months after divorce he said he regretted it and wanted us to get back together but it is too late now you know. sometimes you can’t find anything worthwhile to invest in again. his secretary is back and I feel nothing! I mean I’ve grown quite indifferent to them and to the case as well. he says it is all over between them and they are just boss and secretary but who cares? I have decided to leave all this nightmare behind and move on. of course for my daughter’s sake we acted quite well . we didn’t fight or yell or swear at all. I never talk badly about him in front of our daughter. he still comes over every other evening to see our daughter. I told him that we can’t be a good couple but we may be able to stay good friends as we share something very important that is our daughter who is in love with both of us. I have been taking yoga classes which are dramatically helpful. I go out with friends, I take short trips, I spend a lot of time with my daughter playing, dancing, singing, painting and having lots of fun. I read books and self-help articles. I listen to music while meditating. I eat healthy food and try to take good care of myself and my feelings. my family is so supportive of me and trust me a lot. you know sometimes I wonder if I needed to give our marriage another chance but I think it wouldn’t be worth it. I did give a second chance after I first found out about his cheating with the girl when I was pregnant and it didn’t work. I think a once betrayal is a forever betrayal! he humiliated me and I could not live it down. it is not that easy , in my country, at all, to live a secure life as a divorced woman. but I am grateful that I am well-educated and have a good job that keeps me busy too. I want to set a good example for my daughter. I don’t want her to feel helpless, defeated and weak if she finds herself in a predicament like mine in future. women must prove that they are so strong and do not let men humiliate them.
    sorry to be that long. thank you for reading. best wished for all strong women all over the world.

  • Mitch March 11, 2012, 6:11 PM

    Ola friends.. muchachos! Yup.. that’s about all I picked up in Spain, no dishy fella’s, stayed in a village waaaaay up a mountain where the men were as old as the Roman Bridge built many moons ago and the goats even started to look more attractive! Good thing I only stayed for 4 days!!! It was a lovely little break but a 30 minute drive up a winding road – 198 bends in total.. would drive me bonkers! The scenery – fabulous – the little village – lovely – the quiet – drove me nutty! Guess I don’t like peace and quiet where I have to listen to my own thoughts – I need distraction!!! At any other time I would have probably loved it – not so this time! It was still good to get away but as like Ella Paddy’s day will not be a good day for me as that is the first day he met up with her! Most of the trip was nice as had distractions during the day on outings but evenings were quiet and time for creepy crawly thoughts to invade the brain- yet again! I eventually lost it on the flight home while reading my book… sniff sniff.. tears just start running down my face – quietly of course – and he says are you ok? Then he says – no you are not okay and then when i mention something the ol ” here we go again” look comes out! Bloody hell… they just don’t get it.. just wipe it from your memory and move on say the men.. aah yes dear but of course dear – so easy to do – just give us a minute and sorry Jewels but your site will no longer be needed as we will have all moved on – never to think of their affairs again! God – men really are stupid!!! It doesn’t matter how many times I say to him he doesn’t realise how much I have to deal with – the thoughts I constantly have – not because i want to but because they are just there – every single day – the strength we all have to muster up to blank the OW out in times of any form of intimacy – kiss – hug etc and mostly to try and put a smile on our face to hide the thoughts in our heads – the constant thought of who is he thinking of now – how often does he think of it – how does he really feel – how does he reeeely feel about me.. questions questions questions!!!! Ella… you and I are gonna have a crap week and so my consolation – as weird as it seems – is that someone else is going through this with me so I am not quite the only looo- la paranoid weirdo freaking out for “nothing”!!! And I know I will be freaking out – it goes without saying! I see his phone light up and it’s straight away in my head “could it be her”… argghhhhh! Crap crap and crap again! I shoulda been having the mile high club – not the mile low club!!!!!!!!!! You know – i wish at times like this I drank as I would love to just go and get pissed – rant about everything gone wrong – cry into the toilet and sleep for hours without no disturbed sleep! I do drink an odd glass of wine but even that’s not appealing any more! I’ll just drown my sorrows in my cup of tea and maybe start a conversation with the teabag – who knows – maybe the tea leaves will have all the answers for me and then I will pass on the wisdom to the rest of the gang!! Knowing my luck the tea leaves will be Chinese and I wont understand a word of it!!! Roll on this week.. yay… another week of woe.. ah heck.. what’s another one on top of the last 345 or so….
    Ella… I would love to say be strong this week but fek it – we deserve to be crazy this week and any other week after that if we so choose! Bloody idiots .. we know they will be thinking of their affair at some time or another even though they say they wont be and we will be thinking of it too as just too impossible not to!! Hence,, emotional warfare will commence! It’s written in the cards and that’s that so they will just have to deal with it!! As I said to her in a text message before.. if she got hurt in this process then sorry – but you know what – you went it knowing what may happen so you have to deal with the consequences – you chose to have this affair not matter how it may have transpired – but I never chose to have been blind sided and live with these thoughts that you inflicted! Stupid cow! Stupid husband – stupid me!!! We all question why we stay – will we ever really know the answer? Will we ever be 100% again in our relationships – i know I won’t as no matter how we try to fix it – it will always be in my mind – i am just not that kind of person who has the willpower to say put it behind you and move on! I guess it may eventually destroy us if he can’t put up with it but I don’t see why i should always try hide my feelings when he is the one at fault! Bla bla bla.. how comes this sounds sooo familiar? I guess I may start copy and pasting because it really is all the same waffle over and over again isn’t it? Sorry girls!!!
    Ella.. I am gonna have to start watching the Bachelor online as we don’t get it here!! Did you ever watch Paradise Island? now that was a laugh…
    Jewels… your site is growing and growing more active every day – how great for you and for us too! Thanx!
    Susan and Rec – I hope you both doing well!
    Lee.. I hope your mom is doing better! Good for you that you guys seem to be on the right track – lets hope it works well for you! One day at a time!!!
    To everyone else.. sooo many names now that if I haven’t read a recent post I forget – well i don’t forget forget – I just can’t remember all the names and stories as while so similar are at the same time so different but I haven’t forgotten any of you so please remember that when i say Hi – it’s hi to you all !!
    Right ho..I leave it at that for now and bid ye all a good evening and say adios for now! x

  • Lee March 12, 2012, 8:23 AM

    Since I can’t do it in person…I just want to send an E-HUG to all of you ladies! Especially Mitch & Ella since this is such a difficult week. We are all here for you to lean on!
    gotta run..at work…can’t let the boss catch me not working..hehe
    will write soon…have more thoughts & need some help sorting through them on my end…
    Til then…keep your heads held High & stay Beautiful & Strong!
    HUGS 🙂

  • Ella March 12, 2012, 9:13 AM

    Hi Mitch and Lee and everyone! Yes — a difficult week for sure — more triggers that cause such undo stress — and yes — this weekend will be tough. ALTHOUGH — what my husband does not know — is that last year we went to this local bar that has a St. patty’s day party to raise money for charity — he was in the midst of his A at that time (it was the week before the actual holiday — on a Saturday) — anyway — I had seen a guy I used to see and who I was always extremely attracted to. He and I had a conversation last year — hadn’t see him in 15 years. But he still looked great — asked me if I was single — and I had said no — he said “too bad” — he is single again now. Anyway — I did not introduce him to my husband who was on the other side of the room — but he did ask who he was……. hoping this guy will be there again this Saturday — wow — now I’m scared. Not sure my husband realizes that this guy could be there – I did allude to the fact that God had given me a sign that day…that I could go out with him! Wish me luck if we decide to go again. The triggers just really stink. I’m really trying to focus more on me than anything else. My H is really trying — I know Jewels wonders what is holding me back from allowing it to happen — I guess I will always be on my toes and still am hurt and humiliated. I think that is what gets me the most — It’s not even about HIM anymore — it’s just how I feel. Mitch — love your posts. I will have to watch Paradise Island — ironically, the Bachelor finale is on tonight — the train wreck is almost over — 🙁 Glad you had a good trip (despite the meltdowns occasionally — they DO just happen……and you just have to let them flow through you. ) Lee- glad your mom is ok. I do like reading your posts — I need more inspiration to keep going on the path I’ve chosen. Hope I can help you as much. Hugs back!

  • Lee March 12, 2012, 11:02 AM

    So, here is what I am struggling with…& I need someone else’s view on this cause I feel like I’m gonna drive myself nuts!
    I feel like my H and I are headed in the right direction…He’s been mostly sweet & attentive…he’s had a few moments & I tell him how it makes me feel he tries to make it better & change or fix it and we move on…We still have an extremely LONG way to go and he knows that. I’m at the acceptance point..it happened..he truly is sorry and there is nothing that can be done to undo it or make it go away…at this point it is what it is..just have to find a way to cope & start rebuilding…..but not sure how far I am from the forgiveness part…I just can’t seem to forgive him & lord knows I can’t forget! I think that’s the worst..I feel like I will never forget and that seems like a lifetime punishment for something I didn’t do! SUCKS! to say the least!
    So here it is…the issue that driving me nuts….I’ve not had sex with my husband since D-Day…so it’s been a little over 4 months. ( I just a week ago let him start kissing me again!) It’s not that he hasn’t tried & not that I don’t want to…he is still my husband…he’s done things for me..”fooling around” but I told him I wasn’t ready to have sex or make love with him… I just keep having thoughts of him talking to that B! telling her things that I would and wouldn’t do in bed..and discussing our lives and relations with her…I get flashes of pictures they exchanged…I never saw them…but he accidentally sent a picture to me of himself that was not intended for me…so I know along the lines of what the pics entailed…

    I feel like we have made strides forward in the right direction and my thoughts seem to sabotage it! ARGH!!!

  • Mitch March 13, 2012, 5:35 AM

    Lee & Ella

    Thanks for the hugs Lee – received warmly!!!

    Ella… well now.. talk about a sign or what? I hope for you that the guy is there because number one it will give you a boost and number two it will make your husband realise he is not the only man out there and someone else is interested in you!! Where it goes from if he is there is neither here nor there – it’s just the feelings you will get out of it yourself! Nothing like a boost to the ego! I had a dinner offer from a man who was a regular guest where I worked – he lives in New Zealand and he had spoken to me quite a few times on his trips over – I guess a bit of harmless flirting over the counter kinda thing – so when he asked me out I said did he realise I was married and he said yes he knew! Wow.. I was surprised – anyway the way he asked was he was back in NZ and he emailed me to say he was coming over for a show and would love to see me and take me out. The fact that he emailed me was a bit of a shocker – anyway – i have low self esteem issues so I decided that I would not go as he probably forgot what I really looked like and wouldn’t like to see the disappointment on his face if I showed up! Not quite Cindy Crawford dol! Of course that wasn’t the main reason but it was one of them… what I thought was do I want to end up doing a tit for tat and would I not be as low as my husband if I did go? In one way I defo wanted to go knowing someone else out there liked me enough to ask me out – on the other hand I love my husband and wasn’t looking for anyone else to go out with! At the same time I thought I should go and tell my husband I was going and let him deal with that but I just couldn’t so I didn’t!! I am not saying that means if you see this fella it’s a tit for tat – I just think you seeing him will put a bit of perspective into how you feel and what’s next – it may be a deciding point – keep going forward or cut the cord! It would be a lot easier for us if we didn’t love them at all but unfortunately we are all in this stupid limbo because we do! It’s like you say – we are holding back and why i don’t know! My husband keeps saying why do i keep bringing it up – why can’t we just even try get 2 days in a row without it being mentioned and I know that for me the reason is – I just don’t know all that happened and it eats away at me every single day! Until I do – I just can’t move forward so basically the ball is in his court and if he wants to help then he has to come clean once and for all – until then I will just continue to be Norman Bates twin sister and we shall continue to live in the Bates hotel!!!! I shall be thinking of you and hoping you will have a great night!!!!

    Lee…. hmmm…. well now.. how do you get a picture out your head? That I do not know because the only pictures I have are ones she sent of herself to him – clothed thank god – but of course I know what she looks like and so I always picture the two of them together!! It’s funny that I didn’t really have any issues when we did sleep together which i thought i would have but it’s like a mental block takes over and in doing that sex is certainly not great at all as i am rarely turned on! It’s funny – i want the sex because it’s like saying he is still interested in me.. he does still want me.. it’s more an affirmation than anything else and it’s very very sad that I just can’t seem to let go of the mental block because even then I question everything – is he having sex because he wants to or because he has to? Who is he thinking of? The kissing certainly isn’t passionate at all and that’s probably more important and intimate to me than sex yet not once have I believed he really is kissing me because I am all he does want… i just don’t feel it – it’s like he has to kiss me to keep me quiet but i think a kiss says a lot and I know before – years before when he kissed me – he kissed me passionately! Now there’s always a joke that goes with it so how can i believe he is doing it because he really wants to! i don’t know.. it’s just weird describing it and putting into words.. but it’s kinda like it lacks a hunger and as I have experienced that before I know full well that’s not what I am getting now! Yes – our thoughts sabotage everything but you know what – we can’t help that and that’s just how it is! Maybe if we had stronger willpower and could just put the thoughts in a box and lock them away for good all would be well but that’s not how it works in our worlds! Maybe it will work better for you knowing you didn’t have sex for a while and maybe I was stupid because we did not long after i found out – which did surprise me because in any scenario i had ever thought of before this happened to me there is no way i would have been able to have sex with him knowing he was with someone else – but I did and I probably should have waited – I also think I should have kicked him out and let him stew for a while as well – but I didn’t – so I can’t change any of that either and that also bugs me because I think if I had done that would he appreciate what I am going through more??
    I guess at the end of the day you will know if it is right for you or not to proceed – it will still be difficult of that I am sure but perhaps will improve and be a step in the right direction! As Ella said – we all hold back and if we could only let go it would do the world of good but at the same time I think that if we let go will we stay???
    Rightho … enough Dr Philomena for today as once again i did not prepare you for the novel and you could have had tea and toast and probably lunch while reading this – sorry! So.. Lee you got my two pennies worth as did Ella and let’s hope for both you guys that you will have some fun this weekend one way or another! My fun will be watching the pathetic St Patrick’s parade which will last all of 15 minutes where i live – which will in fact have nothing at all to do with St Patrick but with every other business in town advertising their wares… hmmm.. right – it’s Irish – don’t question it!!! Ha… and I thought he drove all the snakes out of Ireland.. well.. he missed one as I married him!!!!! Ta ta for now xxxxx

  • Ella March 13, 2012, 7:46 AM

    Mitch – -you need to have your own talk show — would be a ratings block buster! I feel so much better today — thanks! I completely understand the physical feelings as well. My H had not had sex with her — yet — I found out too early — at least that’s what I was told and can determine from their emails. I can only go by that at this point. But it would have happened I’m convinced. Anyway — trying to address Lee’s point too – – I had the same reaction as Mitch — our sex life really revived. We hadn’t been intimate in a VERY long time. That was part of the problem – -and it was him more than me. I am very affectionate — probably too much for him. He always complains about his weight — and has no self-confidence in that regard. Do I think about it — yes — we don’t really do the passionate kissing – – but I think that from the close friends I’ve surveyed — that goes out the window earlier in marriage than anyone admits I think. So Lee — I’m not sure how to help you with that. Maybe a counselor can help. I reacted kind of like Mitch — more for the affirmation that he wanted me. But I can see how you would feel what you feel. My H even arranged for a night out at a hotel in town with a nice dinner — it was too soon though — only one month into it – -and I had a meltdown. And so it goes. Happy St. Patty’s Day everyone — wishing us the luck of the Irish this weekend for sure.

  • MelissaB March 13, 2012, 11:19 AM

    Hello everyone! It is very nice to meet each and everyone of you, especially Jewels. I am so happy I found this site because I needed to know that it wasn’t just me that was going crazy! 0_O with these thoughts and images of my H and that OW, even though I never saw them together. My story began two yrs before I found out. We were constantly fighting and at the end of every night to end it peacefully, I would be the first to apologize and let it go. But things went from bad to worse. He ignored me, yelled at me, fought for little things, and spent mostly outside in his truck (he smokes). All these were red flags and I suspected it but was in denial. In April of 2011, We just finished our taxes and we started to argue on the way home. Once we arrived home he said he was too upset to stay home so he was going to meet his coworker for some drinks. I was mad as well and said fine leave, but if he decided to come home drunk its best if he stayed out all night and I was going to chain the door. He walked out with a whatever attitude. Later that night he comes home and couldnt get in (needless to say it was 2:30am) and goes to his truck and sleeps there. In the morning we get into another argument and I yelled out did you meet someone?! and he said yes so what!. During that argument I wouldn’t and couldn’t believe he did until later I found out he did. Later that week I wen’t through his email and found he wasnt sending responses to women on craiglist for sex. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach!! You know the feeling, terrible. I couldn’t believe what I was reading and seeing. I was so mad but sooo mad that he completely crossed the line in our marriage that I did not hesitate to pack all his things and as soon as he got home I said get the F out!… He yelled are you serious! and I through the copies in his face and said yes I am. After he left and I was left crying my eyes out. I didnt what to think at that time. I was confused and overwhelmed. In the morning, I thought it through and said to myself that emailing craiglist wasnt that big of a deal and I should forgive him for something not that huge. I called a couple of times after I had kicked him out asking him to come home but he said No and was definite with his answer. Exactly a few days later i got access to his phone records and there it was a number I he dialed many times even statring from that very night he met his coworker. I called that number and it was this girl. I knew it!!!…lying piece of shit. I couldnt believe it and called him quickly after and he had nothing to say, other than she was just a friend. A friend he already had sex with two days after I kicked him out. My heart still hurts thinking about it and its a year later. It was an ongoing spit spat after that. I called more than I can count and her too. I was sooo devastated. On top of that I found out that he has been calling these single love lines to talk to single girls for the past two years and he called his one of exes while with me. I found all this information within the three months we werent living together. He defended her and called me names, invited her to a bf bday party and not me.. all this was killing me and was becoming very sick. My mom was worried and said please forget about him and recover think about your dauhter. In that moment i told myself she was right. Alot was happening for me too, I met many men and had daing experience with three, both young and older. I slept with one of them and he found out and became very upset. I didnt care, if anything it made me happy to know he was hurting. In August of 2011 he completely told that girl to f off and called me and we spoke during a lunch and he asked to come home. I was happy he wanted to know but was still very sad and furious. i said it was ok but nothing was going to be the same. He agreed but what I meant was I wasnt goint o be the same. After he came home we still argued and made him tell me everything!… boy big mistake. I am glad I know everything but there is this part of me that saids I shouldnt have taken him bakc that I am better off. But like you ladies ask yourselves and so do I why am I still here? because of bulshit love. Nine months later I still have triggers and I look and him and feel like maybe I should cheat on him then I know he will def unstand my pain and how much he destroyed everything we had all for a 2 minute worthless sex. I am glad I have found you ladies to talk to. This is not easy and I wish It would go away. He has tried and still is trying his best to be a good man but I only see what he did and think to myself that I probably or know I am not in love with him anymore. Any thoughts? Do you think him sleepinfg with this woman makes it cheating even thoguh I kicked him out alrady?

    To Jewels THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!

    I hope I get to hear from Susan,Judy, and Raynejasper for I have followed your stories and am very greatful for your strength and hope all is well. You ladies made me realize I wasn’t alone with these stupid triggers and how much our H dont understand the pain it has caused.

  • Micth March 16, 2012, 11:19 AM

    Ella… thanks sooo much for the compliment.. host a tv show -that would be a right laugh for sure… I am glad my stories give you a bit of an uplift.. I guess I don’t really see what I write.. I just write.. too much most of the time as you know!!! But I hope they keep giving you a bit of a smile!
    What can we say.. i reckon every day for us is just trial and error – same with the bedroom feelings – some days are better than others – some not and it seems no matter how much he tries I only half believe it – don’t think I ever will fully. Problem with my man is he is a bit hard hearted – not very sympathetic -= had a not very loving mother so he is not into all this “emotional crap” like us normal people.. hence when he says something to me it means very little as he doesn’t take much heed at what I say – it’s kinda like water off a ducks back – very frustrating!!!!
    I shall be thinking of you tomorrow and hope you have a fabulous night no matter how it transpires! Keep me posted! I shall be home after spending some time in town watching the silly people parade but hey ho.. people around so no time for the dull drums!!! well – hopefully but we all know history and it repeats itself no matter who or what is there!!! Positive thinking and all that crap eh!!!!
    MelissaB.. I am gonna give you my two pennies worth anyway… to answer your one question – why are we still here – because we really are stupid.!! Yes.. i did call us all stupid coz to some degree we must be to put ourselves through this emotion crap.. love… baaah bloody humbug,,, it sure is not what it is made out to be is it??? I guess at the end of the day we love the somewhat and just don’t want it to end for whatever reasons.. maybe we are being selfish.. maybe we don’t want to be alone… maybe we just want to make sure no one else gets them.. maybe its because we really do love them! I often look at him and think am i bloody stupid – let her have him and see the real him because that will come out .. it aint all a bed of roses =- well to some degree it is because we all know the biggest prick in it – and that’s not complimenting the organs you know…. who knows… i don’t think there are really any proper answers to our questions.. time will tell.. we will all either get fed up and leave or we will let it go and try move on but I suppose it’s just time.. time time time….it;s like a watched kettle that never boils!! tik tok tik tok.. somedays it is sooo slow and others are like what the hell.. how did this week go by so fast??? It’s life I suppose.. we only get one go at it and as the wise folk on the desk calendar says if we live it properly we only need to live once – wise old fart – bet his partner didn’t cheat on him!!!!!!!!!
    As to your next question – was he cheating as you had split up – hard to say as had you split with terms and conditions? Does it mean you cheated when you slept with the other man? I guess technically no – it was not on either part as you were both living apart! Is it cheating because you were still married? Technically yes but I guess only you can answer that!! You both had someone else while “apart” and you have both decided you want each other back so there must be some kind of reasoning behind that. Cheating is just plain and simple crap – it feks everything up and then when we try make amends it really is very hard to deal with! It is a horrible position for us all to be in! I don’t think the men will every really understand the pain they caused – yea they can see it but they just don’t really know how bad it is!!!
    To all you girls out there.. happy st pat day tomorrow and may your weekends go as best they can!!!!! luv and hugs xx

  • Mitch March 19, 2012, 5:57 AM

    Hi Girls
    Ella… been thinking and hoping that your weekend turned out well for you.. i really do! Mine on the opposite has been a complete disaster and right now I don’t even feel like typing yet I know I need to as I am sooo frustrated – no sleep or rather very little and I feel like I am going to explode shortly!
    Paddys day transpired without much ado.. went to town with the family to watch the parade – rained and rained on our parade – excuse the pun – so got a wee bit soaked – stood for a couple of hours watching something not very exciting and with my mind always elsewhere. We then had a bite to eat and went home and later husband went to work.. I went upstairs early as kids had hogged the lounge and said I would watch stuff on my pc.. H came home round eleven and surprised to see me in bed so early but then he said he would also go to bed.. no great enthusiasm etc.. so when he did go to bed he of course was going right to sleep.. no thought in what my day had been like.. no thought in what I need.. nada.. so after frustration getting the better I said I was going downstairs to watch tv and don’t follow.. of course.. he follows and argument ensues quietly while kids are upstairs!! this goes on for 2 hours and its soooo frustrating because he just doesn’t understand the neediness… the affirmation… I don’t even know any more what the hell he doesn’t get!! Long story short I eventually fall alseep on couch.. we are talking the next day and then he says will he watch the grand prix before he goes to work that evening.. or when he comes home or the next day.. i said really..you really think after last night that coming home and watching the GP is an option? No says he of course not I was just saying it… anyway.. so evening comes along.. I make sure I stay up.. downstairs as well… and when he comes in all he is saying he is sooo tired.. talks about his gig and then basically says he is going to bed so I switch off telly and follow. Once again…mumble jumble of words.. basically he is tired and trying to figure out if I am tired enough to fall asleep considering we didn’t get much the night before.! Fine.. so I try but of course my head is not exploding at how F*cking insensitive this man is… really… so I said I will watch something online as can’t go downstairs as daughter will think something up again as she question what was going on the previous night and I said nothing.. just couldn’t sleep so watched telly! Anyway.. then he starts why can’t I just go to sleep coz now he can’t as he knows I will be bitching at him sleeping and bla bla bla.. I said I never started the argument.. just like last night… but he doesn’t leave me be then when the argument starts I get blamed for starting it every night – late – so his sleep is disturbed! This really is one of the most important factors of his life.. sleep! So anyway.. once again he doesn’t think there is any significance in these days that I am marking out.. means nothing to him… yea right.. I know him soooo well and he always remembers significant dates and his history of following up on his exe’s hence me saying he will get back with this woman again.. history always repeats itself!!! He can’t understand why he has to perform for me.. because no matter what he does it’s not good enough.. yet I keep telling him that no matter how many times he sees me broken.. crying..he is the only person who can fix it.. not me.. I did not sleep with someone else.. I don’t need to reassure him i still love him… I have bent over backwards this past year and all he has to do is just think.. such a small little thing.. just think what I may possibly want.. not material things.. not money… just a little bit of honest loving that comes from the heart like he really means it – but after nearly a year he just can’t do it.. so I said obviously it’s more than just the girlfriend.. who he had to leave not on his own free will… and then stay with me because I was mentally crushed… and then he has had to muster god knows what to have sex with me because I am fat and he doesnt like fat! Yup… so most of it boils down to me being fat – yet he kept saying but it’s not that and you can loose weight and you did loose some when I started the new meds but it’s stopped again but yes.. that is basically what it boils down to.. he can’t love me unconditionally – it’s with conditions that I loose weight! He knows I have low self esteem because of it..I am sure |I could be a contestant on biggest looser but I would not be one of the bigger women.. I am fat i know that but I just didn’t think I was that repulsive that he has found it that hard to muster up courage to kiss me or have sex with me. Now I know perfectly well why there is no passion is the kisses and I can only imagine what he must have felt to actually perform sex! He says it can’t really just be that.. he can’t be that shallow but yes.. we all know he is and now he has admitted to me and not just his sister.. yet all this time he let me humiliate myself… like I have been begging for sex and affection.. I feel so disgusted with myself… I am sooooo embarrassed to think i did not cop on before and stop degrading myself by trying to get my husband to love me even though I am fat! I said I would go for a gastric band but told not fat enough… I just can’t win.. I am starting a new job where it’s in the airlines and I feel amazed enough they hired me but I know it’s always going to be a problem for me being bigger and unless I wire my jaw shut I just don’t loose weight so now I can start my new job with even more low self esteem thinking how everyone will be wondering how I got the job! I told him I see fat people getting married every day and it doesn’t seem to put them off as they obviously love their partners but that doesn’t apply with my super model husband.. as long as he always had women after him he felt perfect… the fact that he is not is neither here nor there and the fact that he is a musician is most of the reason he had women wanting him because that just goes with the territory of being a musician and he never heard me complaining about his fat stomach or his double chins but because he is up on stage and is good looking that gets overlooked and is acceptable.. it’s just not when you are the wife!! I feel sick beyond sick thinking how hard this has been for him to perform any kind of “love” acts with me! It’s not a surprise for him to say i am fat.. he says it plenty of times and always refers to it but I just didn’t believe he didn’t love me because of it! That is why he found a new woman and a skinny one at that even if she was older as that was more important to him and he had no problems displaying his feelings for her or mustering them up… that came naturally! He doesn’t want to divorce me and then I go on the divorce diet as he calls it and loose 40 pounds and be sexy again and then he will wished he stayed with me… he really is so loving and sensitive!!! He thinks everything he does is marked.. well i guess it is because everything was lacking passion but at least I know now once and for all why and I won’t have to humiliate myself again waiting around and throwing opportunities open to him to kiss me or hug me again! How sad was I?? Okay I think I have written enough or it’s just keep repeating myself over and over again and I don’t want to do that and make you people think you have to respond to my needy bloggs because I am so sad and pathetic on here too! Its been a crap weekend and more “insignifican’t” days coming up but hey I will learn to deal with them on my own.. just how I have been most of this marriage anyway!!! If I could throw myself under a bus I surely would but of course knowing my luck the wheels won’t get over my fat body!!! excuse any grammatical errors or spelling.. i am too numb to even check what I have written!

  • MelissaB March 19, 2012, 9:25 AM

    Hello everyone!

    Well I have been through a year long journey going back and forth with decision making on satying or leaving but like Jewels saids this decision is not to be taken likely. It takes time and other reasons. I am no longer bothered by any triggers 🙂 and am very happy with myself that her image in itself no longer affects me. After he came back, it felt like war all over again but we have learned to communicate and appreciate what we do have instead of what we dont have. I have made it very clear that in order for this to work, all need to be said. At first he didnt want to talk about anything because like every man he just wanted to just forget like it ever happened. When he saw broke down the last time a month ago that it took me down to my knees and asking myself why am I here? Why I with this man? He quickly kneeled down too, hugged me after crying and gave me comfort for the first time in a long time and cried and said I am so sorry. You are my wife and I am sorry i lost sight of that, please dont cry. At that moment I felt like he had a heart and felt remorse and felt my pain. After that day things have certainly changed. On every weekend we fought about everything but this past weekend it was beautiful!. We talked about everything in detail and we did not get mad at all!. Instead we laughed at it and said wow how stupid our decisions were. For the first time after a long time I had my best friend back. I never thought days like these would happen again but they did and there better than when we first met because its more mature and more sincere. Jewel you were right, I am glad I didnt make any decisions at the time I was having my triggers and felt anger and pain. I would have let my wall of pride do all the decision making. He is becoming the husband I want him to be and assures me he will do anything in his power to show i have nothing to worry about. We both grabbed a piece of paper, wrote down all our passcodes( cellphone,email,facebook,log in), and exchange them to each other and signed it stating if any new accounts would be made we both would need to know about it. Mind you this was his idea. I was so pleased and comforted to know he is willing to assure me that I didnt have nothing to worry about everyday. Even after this, we will be taking it day by day so we dont analyse every step and just enjoy it.
    To all the ladies, There is hope and it takes two to make it happen. It will be hard, it will be a constant struggle but in the end the results will speak for themselvesand they will be better. Much luck to all of you.

  • Colleen March 19, 2012, 9:53 PM

    Mitch,
    It breaks my heart to hear you talk about yourself that way. I, too, have struggled with my weight all of my life. Your weight is not your self worth. If that is all he cares about then, no, that’s not unconditional love. Your weight is not an excuse for him to cheat. If it’s something you guys need to talk about, that’s one thing. But if it’s not discussed in a loving way, then is he really someone you want to be with? The answer may be yes, but I just want you to know that your self worth is not your weight. If it’s something you want to work on then try weight watcher’s, it’s easy and it does work. It seems like there’s a big disconnect between you two and I don’t know if you tried having a heart to heart but he seems like he’s in a really selfish place.

  • Colleen March 19, 2012, 9:59 PM

    Hi all,
    So today I filed for divorce after two short months and I am so sad. I did it because my husband, who’s an alcoholic, left and said he won’t stop drinking and he’s been with two other women; the second of which he’s living with now after I asked him to leave because he was drunk and belligerent. Yet he says he loves me, but says he can’t fix it. Though I love him, I felt like I couldn’t wait because of liability issues, he’s out there driving around drunk, can’t pay his bills; and is generally out of control…it’s just so heartbreaking to see someone I love throw everything away…but I can’t make him stop drinking and I have offered treatment. He says he knows I could never forgive him but the truth is that he never asked for my forgiveness. Instead, he just found another woman, and “old friend” to take him in. And he’s having a “relationship” with her. One day everything is great and the next your whole life is ripped apart. In three months it will be final and he’ll be rid of me and won’t have to deal with my anger and my emotions. I just feel so alone and sad.

  • Em March 20, 2012, 10:06 AM

    Hi Colleen,
    I want to say congrats to you! You stood up for yourself and declared that you have had enough. I too filed for divorce a year ago, it is a sad feeling that everything you knew and loved is in some ways over….it’s like a death. It will take some time and you will probably have emotional ups and downs. I did, and sometimes still do. My ex chose other women and bars, instead of his family and supposedly the one that he loved. It does hurt to know that someone you loved and loved you could do something so hurtful. I will say let all your emotions out, don’t hold them in…if you feel like crying…do it…wanna throw something…do it, it helps. You took the first step in taking your life back…he may come back in a few days/weeks once everything sinks in, you will have to decide if it something that you want, don’t settle for anything less. I wish you the best of luck in your new journey…chin up high!! 🙂

  • Colleen March 21, 2012, 2:06 AM

    Em,
    Thanks for replying, it really helps to hear from someone in the same boat, especially with the bars and drinking. I will keep crying until the tears dry up someday, and if they don’t, I’ll just let em come! It’s good hearing someone say congrats instead of all the doom and gloom..I know I’ll get through it somehow. I just have to remember that nothing is wrong with ME and that it’s his loss!

  • Colleen March 21, 2012, 2:56 AM

    So I thought things were getting better for me, a little, then my dumbass husband was over at my house while I was at work, with my permission, but left his email open, I saw all the I love you this and I love you that from the girl he’s living with now, plus his facebook messages about sex, and how he’ll give her some loving tonight, and me referred to as his soon to be ex wife…it just hurts all over again. I feel like writing that bitch with all her “kiss kiss” emails to my husband and telling her what a slut she is and good luck with THAT “relationship”. I probably shouldn’t though, but really, it would be a good way to get him out of my life forever. I have been trying to wean myself off of him and now I can see that he really isn’t my friend and cares nothing about me. I think he just can’t stand for anyone to hate him. Seeing all that just brought all the pain up again. She doesn’t know what he is really like and will get tired up putting up with him, but whatever, it’s not my problem anymore. I just hate his guts right now. What a huge asshole.

  • Em March 21, 2012, 8:48 AM

    Colleen,

    I confronted two of my ex’s OW…..I didn’t yell and I wasn’t mean, I simply asked why…they knew he was married, knew he had kids, knew me….so why, why were you so willing to aide him in his betrayal, lies, etc. They said they didn’t know why but both of their spouses had cheated and they had cheated before, they like it. I looked the one girl in the eye and told her very nicely ” you are the reason for my broken heart, you are the reason for my sadness, you are the reason that my kids now spend two weekends a month with their father, you are the reason that broke my family up”. She replied with “it wasn’t just me, you know it takes two”…I simply replied ” yes, it does…however, you didn’t say no and I feel bad for you, you are the one that has to look at yourself everyday knowing what you caused, how you hurt innocent people for no reason, just selfishness. ” I will tell you that I did feel better after I spoke to her (she is the one that he got pregnant…her H doesn’t know about the affair and thinks the kids is his, I guess I could tell him otherwise, but it’s not my place nor my problem). The other girl that I confronted…she didn’t really care…she listened and said “oh well, shit happens”. So, I can see why you would want to tell the OW, just how you feel about her.
    I don’t think I would let him the house anymore…that is just showing him that you “trust” him to be there, he still has a place in your life. I do not allow my ex in the house, I make him stand outside until the kids are ready…he doesn’t like it and says I treat him like a “dog” by making him stay outside….he thinks everything is bout him and how he feels, it will always be that way…but I will not own it. 🙂
    Hugs Colleen 🙂

  • Ella March 22, 2012, 10:42 AM

    Mitch — First of all, thank you for checking on me from this past weekend. I survived it — now we’re one year under our belt from D-Day. Surprisingly, I didn’t have a melt-down like I thought I would (didn’t see “my guy” — too crowded) — but I was ok anyway. We also went out of town for a few days and had a good time. I realize just how negative he can be and sometimes I think to myself — why DO I love him? He’s not even like me. Anyway — I was telling my girlfriend, that I had an epiphany about my marriage — I’m not putting all of my eggs in the marital basket anymore. Marriage isn’t the answer and wasn’t everything you read in fairy tales. It takes work and no one is perfect. I have realized that if it doesn’t work out in the future, that I will be ok. I was so sad to read your post – and how you feel about yourself — that is what hurts the most — that someone else (your H) — could cause those feelings IN YOU. He is the one with the insecurities and bad character — NOT YOU. He is selfish and probably has never had anything like this happen to him…..so they have no concept of the destruction they cause. It’s sad really. We are the ones who have to deal with the aftermath — but it should not come at OUR expense. Do for yourself because you want to do for yourself — not for anyone else. I look at my husband and he had gained a lot of weight — he cheated on me! So the physical stuff is just an excuse – and they are very shallow. The fact that he is emotionally distant in life says a lot — I think that is a function of their family dynamics from a young age — and I’m not sure they can ever “get it” — they can learn to do better — but I honestly don’t think they are wired the same way — that is what stinks. So it’s up to us to help them function better and be more sensitive with us — and we have to be the strong ones because we are more emotionally stable. Remember that Mitch! Your H knows it too. They know deep down we have it together and I think at some level, it makes them mad. Especially when they don’t get their way — I think my H acted out against me for that very reason as well. I’ll post later too. Em — interested in your confrontations. I couldn’t bring myself to call the OW — she worked where he did. I did however, call her H and her boss — so I dealt her a double-blow! Never talked to her directly — still don’t really know what she looks like — except may know who she is from a FB post from someone else. But I got so much satisfaction telling her H — she can deal with her own consequences from that. I know people’s feelings are mixed on that issue — on one hand, I maybe shouldn’t have told her H so that there relationship would stay stagnant (my H ended it with her) — and she would still be miserable. But I thought the alternative was better. She tried SOOOO hard to not have him find out — she talked about church all the time, etc. Hypocrit. And they talked about me and her H — so I let her have it. She can live with a black mark on her marriage too. UGH — sorry to vent — had to get that out. I’m really a nice person — but I won’t be a doormat. Have a great day ladies!!!!!! Spring is here — new growth for all of us!!!!

  • MelissaB March 22, 2012, 2:57 PM

    Hello Ladies-

    I am sorry for your difficult time right now ; not only battling out your emotions, triggers, and feelings by yourselves but having to deal with the difficulty with your still immature H’s. I know that in order for this to work , it will take the two of you to put forth your true feelings and set aside the anger and hurt that this stupid situation has caused. He would need to be a man and be responsible for his actions whether it be by not having enough control in being a commited H, responsibilites of a father and a H, dealing with pressure of being a family man, and not getting the attention as a little boy would. It should just show you just by reading what I am writing now how strong of women you all are and are able to handle this more maturely than they can, be very proud of yourself!. Even after he refuses to open up and admit to his wrong decision, not mistake because there are no mistakes, you would need to focus on you now. I know you want to make this work, to get him back to being the man you once knew BUT now its your time to focus on your feelings. Its not selfish, you cannot do both. You cannot try to work on your relationship when your not even happy with yourself. Ladies LOVE yourselves. I love you, God loves you, your kids love you..WHAT more do you need if he is not being the MAN he needs to be. You are not their mother. You are there wife with the same needs and wants. 50/50 in a relationship. Once you find peace with yourself then you will see and know what to do. WHether to stay or just decide to leave. You cannot make that decision now when your angry and hurt. You will stay because he part of the family,kids need their father, you dont want to be alone, Money, living situation… some are reasons BUT some are excuses. IF he is not willing to put his effort and be a man, then when you are happy and love yourself, you know for a fact you DO NOT need him. You are a strong beautiful woman! you handle job,kids, bills, and car all the same time. Really we are a powerful creature when living with morals and dignity, unlike the OW we know. But that my dear friends is not worth talking about. You are worth talking about, smile!!! Spring is here. For those who are with men who stepped it up and were man enough to admit how weak they were, very happy for you but it all came down to you loving yourself and being happy with you!…it takes time. I say with the ladies who have assholes as Husbands and take NO responsibility for their faults and the infidelity, please leave your husbands and do what is best not just for you but for your children, even they are 10,21, and/0r 30 years old. It still hurts them. But I will leave with this that I read to those specific ladies…

    Days like this I want to drive away
    Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade
    You chewed me up and spit me out
    Like I was poison in your mouth
    You took my light, you drained me down
    That was then and this is now
    Now look at me!

    This is the part of me that you’re never going take away from me, NO
    Throw your sticks and stones
    Throw your bombs and your blows
    But you’re not going to break MY SOUL
    This is the part of me that you’re never gonna take away from me, NO

    I just want throw my phone away
    Find out who is really there for me
    ‘Cause you ripped me off, your love was cheap
    Was always tearing at the seams
    I fell deep and you let me drown
    But that was then and this is now
    Now look at me!

    But you’re not gonna break MY SOUL
    This is the part of me that you’re never gonna take away from me, NO

    Now look at me, I’m sparkling
    A firework, a dancing flame
    You won’t ever put me out again
    I’m glowing
    So you can keep the diamond ring
    It don’t mean nothing anyway
    In fact you can keep everything
    Yeah, yeah
    Except for me

    Throw your sticks and stones
    Throw your bombs and your blows
    But you’re not gonna break MY SOUL
    This is the part of me that you’re never gonna take away from me, NO

  • FindAnother WordFor Sad March 27, 2012, 9:46 AM

    On Thursday 22nd of March, my husband of 13 years (18 years older than me) sat me down at 10.30am, told me he was in love with his cousin two states away and that he was moving there that day. Within 2 hours he threw a few belongings in the car, said he couldn’t handle dealing with the finances of selling our investment properties nor addressing his business responsibilities. He drove out the gate leaving everything from photo’s of his adult children, grandchildren to many of his treasured possessions. He’s now up there with living with his cousin who I now find out broke up his first marriage. She’s a lot older than I and seems to have had a significant hold over my husband for many years completely unbeknown to me.

    Devastation and utter disbelief don’t even come close to describing how bag I feel right now. While my husband is to blame for allowing this to happen, she is the most despicable excuse for a human that ever roamed the earth. This has been going on since Oct 2011 and despite my gut instincts screaming at me, it wasn’t until I had tangible proof through his mobile phone records and confronted him, did he eventually admit the affair on the 22nd of March. His level of cruelty is deplorable and I hope karma bites them ferociously.

  • Em March 27, 2012, 2:55 PM

    FAWfS….his cousin…really….that is just wrong in so many ways!! I’m sorry for your saddness…his cousin, really…you may be better off without him…just sayin’.

  • Ella March 27, 2012, 3:31 PM

    Oh FindAnother WordFor Sad from Victoria, Australia — my heart sank reading your post. I’m so sorry. I don’t have any other background — but the fact that he left so abruptly and leaving so many things undone sounds so strange. Is he having a hard time dealing with something else — pressure from work or some other stressor in life???? And with a cousin who broke up his first marriage? Why didn’t he stay with her then? I’m praying for you.

  • Mitch March 28, 2012, 12:47 PM

    Ella.. am soooo glad to hear you paddy’s weekend went off well. I am so glad for you and fingers crossed it will all work out in the end.. I know we all have a long way to go and have our ups and downs which i think will be with us forever.. but as long as we get past them and carry on that is what ultimately counts! Thanks for your kind words and i appreciate everything you write! I will try get out of my “fat” phase but it is hard to love yourself when you are not happy with yourself.. and often i think why would he be attracted to me.. i wouldn’t! So in one way I don’t blame him but in another i hate him for being so conditional!! It’s hurtful and demoralizing!! But at the same time it’s the truth so i have to learn to live with it.. until i get my mouth wired shut and loose loads of weight – probably a good idea all around as I wouldn’t be able to voice my opinions as well! Ok.. maybe that’s not the option i will go for!! He aint getting off that easy methinks!!!! Cindy Crawford bod can wait a bit longer!!
    Colleen.. thanks for your words too.. much appreciated! I am going to try weight watchers as you suggested in next month or so as I have new meds now for the thyroid and combined may help.. I have had many doctor’s meds before for dieting but nothing worked due to thryoid.. so fingers crossed! Why can’t i be one of those people who looses 500 pounds from stress??????????!!!!!!!!
    Find another word for sad… well… I am gutted for you.. what an awful blow! How horrible that must have been for you.. at least with many of us the H has stayed around for us to rant..rave..punch.. whatever.. but for him to just leave is beyond comprehension! All I can say is we are here for you!!
    I am away from my H for two weeks visiting my mom and sister in London so hopefully i will get through it all this time without any meltdowns.. so far so good!! First time away that long since D day.. unfortunately i always worry as he has always maintained distance makes the heart forget.. not grow stronger.. and then also i have the worry when i see him again it won’t be like one of those slow motion movies with gorgeous curvaceous moi running to him with open arms.. more like nelly the elly trudging along with hair that will never bloody stay in place!!! My kids think I look like Pink.. wish I did.. but that gives you a bit of an idea of what I do look like… oh bloody mirror mirror on the wall..!!! argh… ok.. enough… ta ta for now… Lotsa Luvs! x

  • Ella April 2, 2012, 8:57 AM

    Hi Mitch — hope you are still having a great time visiting your mom and sister. I spent the weekend away with my H — it was a trip he planned for us. It was really great — until we were waiting in a line to go on an excursion and there was an attractive blonde woman just in front of us in line. Seriously, he turned his head to look at her — even her boyfriend/husband looked at him like “what is his problem” — but he didn’t see it. I even moved in line to avoid her. but when we got on the excursion — we ended up being seated almost directly across from her. He started staring again — and I asked him to stop and that I wanted to get off and go on another car. CAN YOU STAND IT? He said he was sorry — that he looks at everyone — he never did this while we were dating or early in our marriage — I’m just so paranoid. Not that he would have done anything — but now I react like a bitter woman — and I get looks by men too (by the way) — but I notice everything now — women look at him and try to catch his eye — this “used to be” fun — and I would feel proud — but now I am ashamed and it makes me feel badly — how to I get my edge back???? I told him I like to look at attractive men, but would not blatantly stare at one in front of him — out of respect for his feelings. He says — “I wouldn’t care — I’m fat — so I could understand you looking” — so now what. I tried to bite my tongue and not call him on it — but I got that horrifying feeling where you KNOW that they are staring/or are attracted to someone. He apologized all night to me and said he was really unaware it was that bad and I could see him trying to watch where he looked the rest of the trip — but it is something I have not had to deal with previously – -and I think it’s due to my paranoia. So how do I get the edge — while he is desperately trying to make me happy — I still feel like the balance of “power” is a little off. Or maybe that’s just how I will always feel having been the one on the betrayed end. Anyone go through this???

  • Mitch April 2, 2012, 10:20 AM

    Hi Ella.. or should I say my twin sister??!!
    I know exactly where you are coming from!! ( I am glad first bit of your trip went well though!) I probably think we must all feel like this having been the betrayed one because we are always going to be thinking is he interested in someone else or is he looking for someone else.. is that why he is looking?? My H has always looked and got many looks back as he is quite attractive but being a musician makes him all the more attractive to women and i had many years of tears because he would be talking to them.. flirting etc.. where i know it was his job and as he said he always came home to me.. however.. i now have doubts what went on when i wasn’t with him! I guess it has ruined my past where i used to have great memories of going out but now clouded by – was she there on the nights i wasn’t?? So I know what you mean by you felt proud before but now paranoid!! (although with mine he is older so i guess soon it will be the grannies eyeing him up and I’ll be having the young fella’s coz even now he looks at younger women but now it’s kinda like creepy old man… ha ha… shame..Bonus for me being 11 years younger! I dont think i will ever get over the uneasy feeling as my H still looks at other women.. not glares but looks.. and often comments about good looking ones on the telly.. while fatty here sits and her self confidence goes lower and lower! Even now – i got through the first week okay.. but my every day away is thoughts of what will he think when he sees me again? Is he enjoying this time apart and prefers it to continue instead of me coming home? So after a comment this morning on the phone i go off on a rant again.. he just isn’t emotional in any way and it drives me batty as i think if i told him i am leaving will he just say – okay! And i don’t even think he would try stop me! I just don’t get how he doesn’t feel as emotionally connected as i do and it’s soooo frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!! I know if I left he would put on the sensible head and just continue as normal.. just as he did when he stopped “seeing” her so again it leads me back to her.. yes.. he didn’t leave and go to her but that doesn’t mean because he stayed he doesn’t feel the same about her!!!! argh… i have to stop this vicious cycle.. no good for anyone!!!! Aaah if only!!!!!!
    Now.. sorry… that ended up in a rant about me when all i was doing was replying to you to say – oui oui… i know and understand your feelings!! You and i both have husbands trying to fix it – maybe yours is a bit more true to his feelings than mine is and actually shows emotion… but it is difficult to fix something we had no control of in the first place and i think we will always be on edge.. no matter how much time passes! Mine is coming up to a year soon when I found out – (not when he did it) = but it still feels like yesterday! And i still feel like i could get my club out and beat the little fecker!!!!!!!!!! Oh well.. if i wait a few more years he will have shrunk some more and i can just stand on him.. don’t you just love old age??!!
    So on that note.. lady – you are not alone!!! luv x

  • Ella April 12, 2012, 10:07 AM

    Hi all — Mitch — thanks for your note. Well it’s been several weeks and have been doing great — EXCEPT today — WHY would I go back a re-read the emails I found (and saved) between my H and the OW. Seriously? Am I a masochist? Anyone ever do this? I have stayed, but what the heck is my block inside me that Iwould do this to myself? I know I need to see a counselor more — I did go initially, but it’s been a year now — you would think I would be over this. Bad day today I guess. Having triggers again and so what did I do – went and pulled up the emails. It just reminded me of things I had forgotten. Looking to Jewels for some help on this one as you have told me before I seem stuck at times. I don’t feel good — he is trying so hard — but maybe it’s because my feelings for him have changed? Am I living a lie and really want out? Or do I want to stay but am still just so sad? Could use a laugh — waiting for the next round of The Bachelorette to start. I’ve started doing for me — exercising and looking for a new job/purpose. But I’m still stuck in a bad place some days. xo to all.

  • MelissaB April 12, 2012, 12:24 PM

    Ella-

    You are not alone when doing those things. I went back everytime through his phone call records to show myself how they called each other like high school sweethearts. SMH I looked at it more times than I count. Eveytime I looked at it, triggers came flying left and right and arrived home to him with a serious bad attitude. I knew it wasn’t because of what he said or how he acted but because I made the choice to go back in time or the past and see every phone call and how long each one lasted. Best advice I can say is, if you are veiwing them to remind yourself not get back with him and to move on, then use it. But if you are trying to work things out and have made the decision to stay and move on with him from this then don’t go back, look at your relationship now and his acts now. Maybe couseling a bit more will help, it helped me. My counselor told me that everything I noticed from phone call logs to emails and texts they are all part of the fantasy he was clouded by. Clouded by the act of being selfish. He thought of only himself, his wants, and his needs disregarding the consequences. Which he is facing now and is completely hurt which he can’t imagine how he was hurting his family. Reality is that is wasn’t imaging anything only the result of the moment. Just a few things to help you realize that it wasn’t him doing it. Physically he was but mentally he was doing everything based on anger, being selfish, or other factors. If he returned to you and is completely sorry by acting he is and just simply saying it then i believe he was clouded. He realize what he was doing and felt remorse and embarrase in how stupid he became and returned to his family which he loves and what to be with. Hope this puts a smile on your face. 🙂

  • Ella April 12, 2012, 1:47 PM

    MelissaB — thanks so much for responding. You have no idea how much I looked forward to reading a response — it helps so much. I know he was angry at me at the time of the A — I can tell by the email exchange. He claims he was angry at life and all the stresses he was facing. He is doing the right things today — and I went back to a year ago — UGH. I think that what is hard to think about is the OW hurting still? Or did she just move on to someone else….or is she struggling in her own home. I told her husband. It’s also a pride thing too — just the embarrassment and sense that my marriage isn’t like my friends’. It’s different now — not pure. That is what stinks and I just can’t get past. Hopefully I can make more progress with more counseling. When I’m with him he works hard at communicating and having more fun and being more open -I have no present issues – I just keep getting sucked back into 2011. Thanks for responding — you don’t know how that feels to see someone responds who actually has been through it. Your words are wise.

  • MelissaB April 12, 2012, 2:23 PM

    Ella-

    I know how it is to feel the need to go back into time (2011). The 2011 year was a disaster for me as well. I know how it is to go back and check and see over and over the actions he did with her or the stupid things he would say but instead of seeing them as a negative, see them in a different way. What I mean is instead of seeing the evidence and asking yourself how can he do this?, why did he do this?. Look at them and say wow! he was truly lost and this really wasn’t him. I know it seems stupid to think like that but you have to realize that between you too, you are the strong one. He wasn’t. He did every decision based on being confused, lost, and overwhelmed. Every feeling you had as well but you handled it with a strong character, be proud of yourself.

    As for her and her where abouts, please do not waste your time with that. She as well is the weak one in her marraige and needs to take responsibility with her H and her marraige. If she hasn’t then that is on her. You worry about yours and your H because after all that has said and been done he chose to come to you because he knew what he would have lost. You are important and many time that what us to see that after they came back but what they don’t understand that just because they came back that doesn’t make us important. What makes you important is that you are a beautiful,strong human being and you were strong enough to accept a lost boy that now is a man and proving himself more tahn ready to a family man. Pleaese don’t lose hope if there is a slight of chance between you too. If you are not IN LOVE with him anymore then you need to decide to stay and fall in love again with a new man ( your H) a different man that you once knew or move on and give yourself the ability to move on with your life with regreting anything that would keep you from moving on.

  • Mitch April 12, 2012, 5:40 PM

    Greetings Ella & MelissaB
    Glad to hear from you! It;s funny coz you do worry a bit when all goes silent.. although I don’t check in every day I still check once a week or so if any updates. Am sorry to hear you had a “flashback” but you know what.. you’re not alone and I am sure many of us do the same thing! Why? Who really knows! yes.. melissaB is right.. no point in going back and rehashing when the going forward is doing well… however.. unfortunately… it is very hard to control our minds when we hit a bit of a downer and why we look to the past I don’t know but we do… is it just sheer validation of us being able to see the only evidence we have of what “crime” was committed as we didn’t physically catch them in the act before?? I know for months and months and even now i keep thinking i am going to come across something else they had written.. text… skyped.. etc.. i don’t why i think this.. i just do… and it’s like i am still searching for something because I am missing sooo many of the pieces.. the pieces they enjoyed and I don’t know what went on! It drives me batty for sure! I have his letter he sent her and her response and some photo’s she sent. i don’t go back and read them.. once was enough because I still feel that awful sick feeling in your heart and stomach when your head just realises what you stumbled on.. that your husband is having an affair.. and it really is such an awful awful gut wrenching feeling… and just thinking about it… it still feels like it happened yesterday! I did read the letters a couple of times and looked at her pics.. but now I don’t yet I still keep them.. and I think it is just in case I need a reminder! Melissab would ask why would I need a reminder when we are moving forward and that would be a valid question but I know if I delete them and can never get them back it’s will drive me batty! Just knowing they are there.. even though I don’t need to look at them… is comforting in a stupid weird way!! So lady.. don’t beat yourself up.. there is no rhyme nor reasonable logic for the things we do at this moment in time… yes.. one can question do we really love them or has that changed and we are wanting to move on but maybe not ready to and this is why we keep hashing things up…then again… maybe we do still love them.. differently from what we originally did but we do or else why would we be here? There are sooo many questions I ask myself every day.. and every other day I wonder why I am still here trying to keep this going when i can’t get over the fact that i don’t believe he loves me as he used to and probably still has feelings for her.. no matter what he says how will i ever believe him again? This has to be one of the most horrible situations to be in and deal with on a daily basis and the sad but good thing is we are not alone in it! All the things we do… we all seem to do… and all i know is it will take a bloody long time to get past… not get over.. as that will never happen!!! Ella… you guys really do seem to be making good progress but what happened was big and I guess people deal with these situations differently.. some ladies stronger than others… but for the likes of me whom i thought was one of the strong ones who woulda kicked his butt out the door the minute I found out and never spoken to him again…. found out the hard way that i am not that tough after all.. that i love the stupid frikkin idiot and I don’t know why i put myself through this hardship day after day.. but for now that is what I choose to do and unless my brain actually starts functioning normally again like it should do…. I am here and so it may be 10 steps forward and 20 backwards every now and then.. but that goes with the territory… and at least I can say that although the thoughts fly around in my head daily i don’t voice them as often.. i try bite my tongue on occassion even though he doesn’t think so… so one positive note is I aint having meltdowns as often as I did!!!!!
    I am starting a new job on Monday… with an airline so about a month of training to do so hopefully that will take my mind elsewhere.. whoever thought one would look forward to study just to give your brain a rest???
    I think if you found a job of some sort it will give a little bit of deviation from the situation and maybe something else to look forward to for a change..
    I really am gonna have to start watching the Batchelorette!! I am busy on The Real Housewives of New York and also Orange County.. just finished the Beverely Hills one! My golly gee… to have their problems… how much crap must I put in my lips to inflate them this time??? And the funny thing is none of them think they look strange with lips the size of tyres!! And they all back stab each other but still remain friends!! I ask you??! I watch far tooo much reality tv!
    Beeeeeeeg Hugs!xxx

  • MelissaB April 26, 2012, 10:51 AM

    Hello Ladies-

    Checking in and making sure that everyone is overcoming triggers, flashbacks, and not wasting your precious time seeing all the calls,texts,and emails. I hope everyone is focusing on yourself. HOpe everyone has a stressfree day today and weekend.

  • Ella April 27, 2012, 8:31 AM

    MelissaB — wish I would have read your email this morning! I re-read emails (from a year ago) and I’m so mad at myself for doing this!!! Why would I do that to myself???? I’m changing my direction right now….. Going right instead of left. Thanks for the kick in the pants.

  • Mitch April 30, 2012, 11:53 AM

    Ella.. MelissaB

    Firstly MelissaB.. you read my mind.. i was only just thinking last week that it al seems very quiet.. good thing or bad? I was gonna drop a line but you got there before me… I was wondering how everyone is.. haven’t heard from Rec since her surgery either! Susan?

    Ella.. hmmm.. naughty you… you’re supposed to be focusing on you .. forward not backwards!! We will always have our reminders in our head and reading it just makes it worse.. so next time you have the inclination to look at them … look up something else… Porn… he he…. at least it would be a distraction!!!(may even learn a thing or two) Write yourself a letter and email it to yourself… write about all the positive things and remind yourself why you shouldnt look at the emails!! !! And end it on a nice big high… how wonderful you are to still be here and how you would like to kick him in the ass for all the pain and crap you have put up with… but remind yourself why you are still here and end it on that note!!! Now doctor Mitch is probably talking a load of crap but who knows… it may work and maybe sometime she may take her own advice!!
    For me… I have the distraction of my new job.. there is sooo much study involved and it keeps me pretty occupied… however… the thoughts are still there.. daily! I thought they may go but hey ho.. nope… seems they are embedded!!! Bloody hell!! So.. you said you were going to look for work and maybe it will help.. so keep looking… it won’t cure it… just give your mind a rest for a wee bit!!
    We still here for you!!! xx hugs and hugs xxx

  • Ella April 30, 2012, 2:06 PM

    Dr. Mitch! Hello — I was worried that I lost my counselor across the sea. Thank goodness you are still here! 🙂 (althought the circumstances stink) — well — I did turn away from the emails. But had a relapse this weekend when my parents celebrated their 50th anniversary. Of course, mine now mean nothing since he broke his vows and told another person he loved them, lied to my face, snuck around, etc. He said — oh -we will celebrate 9 years this year — I told him they mean nothing. He never kept his vows — so it’s not really a “marriage” — just on paper. That didn’t go over well. He has really been trying — and tries to “show me” daily — and then I go back and get bitter. There is nothing he can say anymore — I’m just still hurt and maybe a little mad that I stayed…..maybe I’m mad at myself. Ugh. Really need to go for a walk!! Hugs to you — glad to hear your job is going ok. The Bachelorette starts up again soon!!!!

  • Mitch April 30, 2012, 5:22 PM

    Ella… nope.. unfortunately you don’t get rid of me that easily.. even across the seas!!! I am here for the long haul m’am.. as are you.. even if we have “time out” as you American folk like to say!! I guess the 50 year anniversary does bring it all up again.. as will anyone’s anniversary.. as will any wedding you attend or watch on telly.. coz all we hear are meaningless words!! You know when you see someone getting married for the second or third time.. they say all those words again.. as if they really believe them.. but do they not think back to when they said them the first time.. (i am talking about people who got divorced.. not widows etc) and see how empty their words seem to others watching… well .. they do to me.. because didn’t they promise to love and cherish till death do they part the first time round? I don’t believe the priest added in “with exception to the rules”!!!!!!! So… it just makes it that much harder to believe when they say sorry… do they really mean sorry or is it just a word?? I know i still think every day.. he loved someone else.. how could he?? I just can’t get over that.. how could he???? It makes me sick to think it.. and then i think how abnormal am i that we just carry on like it didnt happen? I can’t forget or maybe just wont forget… maybe i am just not like others that can. I also know to move forward whole heartedly you need to .. but I cant and don’t think I ever will… how can we? We are human and emotional.. can’t just blank it out!! What we need to focus on though is not looking at the hard material that makes us feel worse about it.. bringing out more anger… methinks we need to try and put that aside for a while at least and just focus on the crap we have to deal with in our heads for now… capiche???!!! And there’s plenty of that without adding hard proof so staaaaaay awaaaaaaay from it – for now!!!!! Next time you want to look at it.. ask me first… then I shall ask you some trivia questions and if you can answer them correctly you can look… if not… no go for another month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So you better brush up on the Simpsons!!! (Maybe i should too as I never watch them- duh!)
    Now.. go make a nice cuppa tea and salute me!!!!!!!!!!!
    I just started on the new series of real Housewives of New Jersey…. oi.. sado!!!

  • Ella May 1, 2012, 6:08 AM

    Thanks Mitch — I just had my second cup of coffee of the day (it’s only 7am here) — so you are further along in your day….. I am soooo on board with your post. I will stay away — I really don’t know what possessed me to look (other than the emails are right on the computer I’m typing on) — I just can’t delete them and know that I should. So why do I hang on? Because I can’t let myself trust completely right? And maybe we never should — but that makes me think I’m paranoid. Horrible. Anyway — on with this day! Re-doing my landscaping and re-decorating my family room and bedroom….. he is letting me do all of these projects while I’m no longer working. He likes me at home (no stress) — yeah right– he fails to realize the emotional stress of him –ha ha. I like to work, so have a couple of meetings with people to talk about some part-time work. A nice compromise. Enjoy your day!!!! I will have to check out the Housewives! Ciao!

  • Mitch May 1, 2012, 12:59 PM

    Ella… good on you… 2 cups of coffee before 7!!! I have about 10 cups of tea a day!!!! I just luuuuv my tea!
    As far as you not deleting the emails… it’s like i said before… we keep them to let us not forget because it’s our only bit of reality… proof of reality of what happened… and I don’t think there is anything wrong with us keeping them.. as long as we can stay away from looking at them! The fact is.. whether we look at it or not.. we know it off by heart in our heads!! Seeing it just makes it all the more real… so we have to train ourselves to stay away and just keep it as like a security blanket.. knowing it’s there.. sounds stupid I suppose and to any logical woman on the outside looking in.. would say.. delete it .. get rid of it and that’s that but hey ho.. different strokes for different folks and if that’s what we need till we are ready to delete it…. then so be it!!!
    You just go and enjoy your redecorating and landscaping… that’s fabulous!! Lucky you! What a great bit of therapy!!
    Well.. i just in the door from training so study study for me…. yippeee… not!!!
    Chat later missy xx

  • Angel May 1, 2012, 2:24 PM

    It’s been a year since a woman named Maria ( Wilmington CA ) txt me on my cell phone her name Maria6969 and the funny thing is that Maria is such a common name just like her. Any ways she started texting me to alert me that she was seeing my husband, she was beeing so Mysterious, but I already knew. I don’t have nothing against you, because it takes 2 . Its been a year, I still havent forget what my husband did, last time this woman named Maria email me she used an interesting email saying I hate liars, reffering to my husband, if ;you were paying all of the hotels, and all you wanted was sex, why call him a liar. Unless he promised you more than sex. I remarried my husband we, bought new wedding rings, but the only question I have is did he promise you anything more? I told my husband if I find out more I will leave him in a second. Well Maria hopefully you get to read this.

  • Mitch May 7, 2012, 1:24 PM

    Ella..girls..
    Hey Ella. hope you getting along well and over the letters! Today is my D day anniversary, well, by date, but it was actually Saturday so the weekend was somewhat miserable for me but I tried to not let it get me down! I did however have a wee breakdown yesterday as when I brought up it was the anniversary he said I was waiting to see how long we could drive before you brought it up! It just gets me that something sooo big happened and yet he can just blow it off.. less said.. the better… but not for me! I have also realised that while i have been doing this course how quiet I have been.. I have no confidence and I used to be full of it. When I told H he said that was not his doing but clearly all the emotional stress I have gone through this year has totally deflated me. I don’t speak up… I practically hide.. and I feel paranoid people probably laughing behind my back. I wanna cry at the drop of a hat.. it’s quite pathetic really and am not sure how to get past it. Once again.. I think about what he did every day even though I try not to focus on it but I still think of it.. how he could have done it and where would we be now if I hadn’t found out! He said a few more things about our past and I do really wonder why he ever stayed married to me but when I ask him all he ever does if turn the question round.. same as when there is an argument he is always quick to say maybe i will feel better if he leaves… i wonder how easily he would let me leave because I sure as shit dont think he would put up the battle I have!! I have to ask myself if this past year or turmoil was worth it… I think it was but a lot of times I really wonder do I believe it!
    Ok.. just thought I would jot this down as was teary again so better out than in!!
    Hugs to all
    xx

  • Ella May 8, 2012, 6:45 AM

    Oh Mitch – – I had another set back this weekend too. I was posting on the other post too today. Seems like we are all in the same place. We have chosen to stay — but feel like crap for it. You are a good person and from what I can tell – someone who is bubbly and who has fire inside — don’t let him put it out. Be true to yourself — who you really are as a person. I feel like I have been in limbo this past year as well. The anniversary date is etched in my mind. You know — the bible says it’s ok to divorce when there is infidelity — for that to be – even God knows how much torture it is to live through. Some days I think it would have been a healthier situation — cut my losses and move on. It’s weird- – because my feelings aren’t the same for my H anymore. It’s more my bruised sense of self. I’m almost looking for the next indiscretion so I can get out – -some days I feel that way — because I could then let my true self out again in a new life. Then other days I’m thankful I stayed as he is really trying and we do get along great. So my internal battle is getting out for being true to myself — or do I stay for the lifestyle and forgiveness. I just don’t know if my feelings will ever get that strong for him again. That is what really scares me. I feel numb — and that is not really living. Ugh. So ok — we need to pick ourselves up this week and look forward instead of backward. Are you reading the other posts on the other threads?……. (Did you stay….) We are not alone. Hugs to you…. put on some good music and dance today.

  • Ryann May 8, 2012, 8:18 AM

    Just popped in to say a quick hello…. Looks like I have alot of reading to catch up on… Just wanted to say I still think about you guys even though I havent been posting….

  • Mitch May 26, 2012, 8:30 AM

    Ella dearest… thanks for your response and sorry I did not reply sooner. As I have been away from home on this training course for past 6 weeks I haven’t always taken my pc with and I just don’t trust using someone elses!!
    Yup… I feel exactly like you describe… it sure is a limbo state.. did we do right staying and did we stay for the right reasons? Yes.. in one way leaving and moving on will bring out the real us again because at the moment it is like a stage play.. you don’t know if you are acting or not or on the other side I never know if he is or not! I am just so sick and tired of having soooo many questions in my head… my whole problem is the not knowing.. just stupid things like what colour was her car.. what was she wearing when they went out… what did they have for dinner in her house…what did they talk about? how many times did he call her? Of course if I bring up the subject it is still taboooooooo so of course I am never going to get to the bottom of this for me to try and move on and because I know what I am like.. until I know more I won’t sleep easy and will keep on with this draining mental state of mind! What annoys me more now is my h has been diagnosed with a bit of osteoporosis and he has a choice of tablets to take but all have crappy side effects so he doenst know whether to take them or not.. he surfs the net looking up a hundred sites about each medication looking for answers but of course they all say the same thing.. which he already knows.. but he still frets about it and i keep saying look at alternative products as they can’t do much worse… but my point is he is stressing over this as he is a hypochondriac anyway so now it will be a major drama… but his mind is now obsessed with this and i said to him but my situation is the same yet you tell me to forget it and move on and can’t understand why i keep thinking about it.. well it’s probably because it is my major trauma that has happened in my life but hey ho.. stooopid me… it’s not the same is it?? Funny how when it’s all about him its ok but not for me!! he can tell everyone about his problem.. i can tell no-one.. but again that’s ok!! Oh well… as he now has brittle bones or soon to be brittle bones maybe what I should do is give him a good work out in the bedroom and break a few of them!!!!!!! Crimes of passion eh?!! ha ha….. okey dokey.. i leave it at that today.. i hope you are feeling better and summer is on the way so get out and enjoy some of it!! (as for me reading the other posts on the other threads.. I just don’t go there… there is too much already on this one and in one way it is just sad to see how many of us are in this boat already!!)

    To the other girls who i haven’t read any posts in a while I hope you all ok out there!!

  • Ella May 29, 2012, 7:49 AM

    Ladies,
    Hi Mitch — great to hear from you and that your training went well. You sound like you have more of a spring in your step! Love the humor — boy does a good laugh cure all!!! Good for you. Although I know how you feel dealing with their “health issues” — you will end up having to care for him. Good luck with that — like you said — maybe it’s a good diversion and hopefully a good wake-up call. My H has an issue as well. So we’ll see what happens there. He has to call his doctor today. I just hope I’m not resentful if I have to go above and beyond just yet. I am feeling better. Since a year has passed, the feelings have subsided, but not forgotten. I think that is where I get stuck. I see weddings and other “romantic” things about how marriage “should be” – and I hear/see others living full family lives where the husband is devoted to his wife. But are they really? I guess I’m looking for reality to measure against — but I know all situations are different and what we see on the surface may not be — I’m a case in point. Everyone thinks we’re so happy — HA. I’m a great actress. I’m now struggling with a wedding anniversary next week. Last year I didn’t acknowledge it at all since it was only a few months since D day. This year I’m not sure what to do. I think just a card? But I can’t stand even looking at them — they are fake to me now. Not how I feel. We are married but on a different level now — it’s no longer with my soul if that makes any sense. He doesn’t get that anymore. I don’t think he ever loved me that way — unless it was in the first few years — and when he thought he would lose me. He has gained all of his weight back. He lose 30 pounds when he was interested in “her”. Now he’s back to being miserable with his life — I do think these OW’s are solutions to their stress — it’s fantasy — they feel good about themselves because they only put the good side of them out there — and then they think that person is perfect because they feed their ego. So when it blows up — so does their solution. And this brings me down. I’m still struggling with my own identity — no kids — so I don’t have that at home to focus on. That is why quitting my job was a blow — but it was very stressful and didn’t make me a better person (i was in sales) — and that is a rough and very competitive career — you become very “hard” at times. YUCK. So — this summer I’m working on myself to explore my next “career” — even if I just volunteer. I have so many house projects this month, I will wait until the Fall and just enjoy it. We have been updating various rooms in our house — but it’s just that – a house — I no longer feel like it’s a “home” — and safe. Anyone feel like that? Anyway — for those who are just in the midst of it — it does get better for you (your stomach settles and your thoughts die down) — but it is different. Have a great day everyone and enjoy the weather. Hugs.

  • Mitch May 30, 2012, 12:31 PM

    Ella.. thanks for the response me dearest! Methinks I am going to call you miss precise as you really do seem to hit the nail on the head each time!! Yes.. are we stuck in a fantasy land or reality? Is it such a fantasy to have love, romance etc like we see in the movies? Did we not get that in the beginning with these men???? So really, when we see all this lovely dovey soppy stuff on telly and wish we could have it too is not that much of a fantasy as at one time it really was a reality.. just that these numbnuts don’t remember that!! How soon they forget!! Or is it they choose to forget?? I know that I can leave but what reeeeeally pees me off is I want the romance or part of it.. on his own accord and not prompted or begged for from myself… and this seems to be something very difficult for him to give yet i know if i do leave and he finds another woman or the one he was with in the affair… he will very easily muster up all that romance and lovey dovey bits as quick as we can blink an eye.. so how come??? How come he can’t do the same for me? That’s what annoys me the most and i said it to him a hundred times in the past years when we have been fighting.. all i want is loving and you can’t seem to give it as you’re not that type.. but i bet if you found someone new you wouldn’t have a problem….. hmmm… maybe i am in the wrong profession and should really become a clairvoyant as it was how I predicted so i must have some special powers!! (they just don’t work on my husband!!) I have had past 2 days very crappy.. very down.. had my first flight yesterday and I felt nothing.. after waiting all these years to do flight attendant it was just ruined by how I feel at home! He wasn’t extremely “loving” the night before my flight and I was already nervous as my first flight was only due Saturday but |I was called on a standby duty so very unprepared mentally!! I didn’t even get a kiss.. he thought i was stressed so would scratch my back but I knew when he came to bed he was contemplating should he do more but you know what.. he shouldn’t have to contemplate.. it should be natural and the more we go on the more unnatural he is! I don’t know where this will end up but at this moment in time I am sick to death of it.. it’s like you say we just can’t forget! All I know is my mind is stuck with the questions I have .. the ones of not knowing things.. and he is the only one who has the power to help but he wont.. and at any mention of anything he defends her.. so why can’t I just grow up and leave and stop being such a woesie!!!!! This love stuff is crap and I am sick of it!!!!!!!! Arghhhhh!!!
    On another note… why don’t you look at flight attendant jobs? You have sooo many companies there to choose from.. can work part time.. and get great benefits.. and it’s shift work as such which is sometimes better than normal routine… or maybe look at ground work? you deal with different people every day.. even your work colleagues which in one way is great especially in the situations we are in now because as you say we sure should get the Oscars…. whenever I told someone before I was gonna get divorced they laughed saying we were the happiest couple they knew.. ha .. guess they got that one wrong!!!!!!!!!! Right ho.. let me go and poison.. ooops sorry..make the food.. I’ll ensure it’s calcium deficient!!!!!!!!!!
    (hope your mans tests are ok!!)
    Beeeeg hugs
    X

  • Mitch May 31, 2012, 3:10 AM

    Ella.. oops I got carried away yesterday and forgot to mention about your anniversary! Yes.. its a difficult time for us.. the women I mean.. as for him who knows what he is thinking.. and once again do we believe anything they will say to us about the day? I understand what you mean about looking at cards and this is why i would suggest again to make your own. It doesn’t have to be a Van Gogh drawing… but at least the words will be what you want them to be and not some drivel written by someone else that nearly explains how you feel.. or should feel but are not quite there yet! It may even be a bit therapeutic! Right now I wouldn’t mind making mine a letter b*mb!!! Methinks you need some more of The Batchelor!!!!!! i will seriously start watching that online sometime!!
    p.s you can always come and visit me and consider that a charity trip!!!
    Hugsx

  • Ella June 5, 2012, 6:38 AM

    Hi Mitch – thank you for your advice — I actually didn’t give him a Valentine’s Day card this year at all — and an anniversary card feels so wrong. Even though he has been doing everything possible to fix this. So I feel bad that I’m still feeling these things. It’s Thursday and he hasn’t mentioned it — despite it being on the calendar. Is it because he is waiting for me to say something? That’s what I’m thinking, because I said it doesn’t mean anything because he broke our wedding vows. It’s just a date for how long we’ve been legally tied. I wish his was a one night stand — I could have handled that better. He used the L word and hadn’t slept with her yet — but in a way that can feel worse because it’s all about feelings and the person. So I’m so confused about what to do — do I bring up our anniversary and just say it needs to be low-key? I just don’t know. I don’t want to rehash this whole thing again — I’m still “stuck” a bit in my choice to stay — some days I want to be free. He’s really a negative person deep down and looks to others to build him up — constantly. I’m sick of doing it — especially now. I try, but then where are my compliments? some days I feel he’s slipping back to his old ways — just not a happy person deep down to his core — so it brings me down alot! Some days I think I would have more fun on my own. We’ve been with each other over 10 years and so I just think that the “beginning la la phase” is over and can never come back because that was the newness. It will always be different — but even more so now since he had no problem compartmentalizing with others. Hope you are well!!!

  • Diane June 29, 2012, 3:09 PM

    Hi I have been reading all the stories regarding cheating husbands and I know how they feel in every way. My husband of 33 years has had many affairs that I shut my eyes to and didn’t really believe he would do that to me. He was angry with me for his last affair he said he loves me but is not in love with me. He said I threw him away and didn’t want to do anything with him (because it was always what he wanted to do) My mother told me now that we have been together for two years but not divorced, he has been living with women he cheated with. She is not what I thought my husband would go for and she is my age. When he moved out he was so angry and throwing this and slamming things, this is not my husband. My mother always told me life is like a puzzle and all the pieces will come together. She was so true I remember things now that I did not remember. I married him when I was 18 and have loved him with all my heart and soul. Yes the pain was awful and really hard to take at times, but I am not 100% yet but I take it one day at a time. He blamed me for throwing him away but he made a choice and it was her. It is still hard and do not want to see him because I really don’t no what I would do. Hate or Love!!!!

    • Jewels June 30, 2012, 9:55 PM

      Hello Diane,

      Welcome to the site. Yes, there was a movie called a thin line between love and hate, and that title is so true!

      I know he blames you, my husband blames me as well. I really think when they blame us it’s a way to deny the truth. They can’t face the truth so they find a reason to blame us for their cheating, it is very typical. You mentioned that your husband has changed, and that when he left he was not acting like he use to. If that is the case then maybe it is time for you to spread your wings without him. Time for you to explore what life is like without your husband. I feel like in your new chapter of your life you are going to discover joys that you did not even know you had. I love what your mother said about life being like a puzzle, we want so bad to see the entire picture because seeing the one puzzle piece in front of us does not look like the right direction, but when all the pieces come together, a beautiful picture is formed. Take Care, hugs to you, and hello to everyone else!!

  • MicroGal October 25, 2012, 5:28 PM

    Well, I am just 2 months past D-day. It still hurts like heck. My husband has had multiple affairs (sex only, nothing emotional) during our 12 years of marriage. We are attending counseling and will go to a week-long intensive session soon. He is deeply sorry and repentant. I want to work on things as well (we have 3 small kids), but things are GOING to change – for one, his traveling sales job. Just trying to pray and trust God in all this. It is utterly devastating.

    • Jewels October 27, 2012, 9:40 PM

      Hi MicroGal,

      At 2 months you are still very early in the process, anyone who has past the 2 month mark knows exactly where you are. Especially with 3 little kids, you really can’t grieve the way you want to, at least that is how I felt with 2 young kids, it’s almost as if I felt I didn’t have time to handle the situation. At 2 months, emotions are still very raw, so be easy on yourself, and make sure you get rest, and eat. I am happy to hear that you started counseling and a 1 week intensive, and that your husband is willing to participate, that is wonderful, many cheating husband’s won’t participate in such activities because they do not want to face their own fault, so in that area, the actions your are taking as a couple are positive. Traveling sales….yikes, I can see that being a big trigger for you, every time he leaves out. I am wishing you well on the path to happiness again, for you personally, and for the marriage.

  • Concon November 1, 2012, 9:22 AM

    Hi guys! I just found out my hubby is cheating with his co-worker. Well, he has this crush w/ his new co-worker. He just got to this new company and all and they are both still in training. There are a lot of changes that are happening to him like going to work really early but going home really late. I didn’t confront him at fist because I thought I still need to find proof. As I said, the were still in training and I found notes in his notepad and all that they are exchanging notes during training discussions and he is saying I love you’s to this girl. His co-workers knew from the start that he is married same with this girl. But then, when I asked him or should I say confronted him, he denied it and told me that I am going insane. I never felt so devastated in my life and I really feel so sad about it. We’ve been married for 4 years now but we have been together for 8 years before we got married. He was actually my high school best friend. Suddenly, I don’t know him anymore and it pains me that he is being unfair to me, our kid and our marriage.

    • Jewels November 3, 2012, 5:24 PM

      Hi Concon,

      It is devastating to find out, especially to find out on a notepad that he is telling another girl he loves her. The second part that makes it painful is the denial. I remember being absolutely fuming that my ex-husband initially lied, when I saw the proof right there – that was so hurtful.

      You now have some decisions to make, not now, but over time. He has to admit what is going on, that is important, if he continues to deny, that is going to mentally take an impact on you. Once he does, you both have to have some discussions on what is going on, and what are the next steps. If he says he wants to work things out, and you are willing to give him a chance, let him drive that discussion, if he drives it, you know he is sincere, if he doesn’t, then you know something else might be going on. You said that you have a child, and I know how many emotions that can bring, having two myself. I thought it was unfair as well, but what happens is the cheating partner typically totally convinces himself that he is justified in his cheating. They figure out the reason for cheating, and convince themselves that this is ok. So many times, they do not think it is unfair at all.

      Be easy on yourself, make sure you eat, rest, and take care of your little one. No major decisions just yet, observe his behavior and reflect on what you are seeing, the answer as to what to do next will be shown to you.

  • Sonia November 4, 2012, 7:08 PM

    Well..I’m back. It’s been two years since finding out about my husband’s affair and I can honestly say that I am in a better state of mind now. Ladies, if you chose to forgive..the first year or so is very difficult. You need to control the triggers. It gets better if he’s truly remorseful and does everything he can to regain your trust. I would have never believed that I would be “healed” two years later.

  • Concon November 5, 2012, 2:39 AM

    Thanks for the words of encouragement Jewels. I really needed such in times like these. Anyway, just an update, I just found out that one of his friends at work are also conspiring with him on his cheating. I feel so mad about these people. I mean, they don’t know me and haven’t seen me yet but from the way they are tolerating my husband’s cheating schemes is too much for me handle. I happened to read the text message that was sent to him by one of his office mates if he already talked to this girl he is cheating with at work and confided his feelings. I feel so angry at these people because they are actually helping my husband cheat. Last Saturday, I tried to ask him if he could introduce me to his new office mates but he refused because he said that he can’t because I am thinking about such insane things that he is doing at work and he doesn’t want to be embarrassed by what I would. I mean, if there is nothing going on, then I don’t think it is an issue. I observed that I just casually told him that and his reaction was way overboard. He got angry at me and called me names. He said that he is just saving us both from embarrassment and that I am spoiling his friendship with these people. As usual, he is still denying that he is cheating. He was actually making up a lot of stories about his work to divert my attention from his cheating. I know my husband so well that know he is hiding something from me. Just like what I said before, we were best friends that it is very difficult for me to accept what he is doing. He still continues to go to work early and go home very late. I am still not doing anything because what I want is to really catch him red handed and throw in his face that I am not just an insane wife who suspects him of cheating because I actually have proof. I am in the loosing end here and everyday is really a struggle for me.

  • Diane November 5, 2012, 4:34 AM

    Hello Ladies
    I have written to this web site many times. I was married 33 years to my husband when I found out, it hurt like hell. It has been 2 and 1/2 years since and he is living with his whore and I live in a cute apartment. I am not divorced yet and live on a very limited income but I am doing this for me. I saw my husband for the first time in a year and he looked old, short and gained waight. But do you no what I felt really good nowing I DID NOTHING WRONG. Instead of getting fat and giving up on myself I turned around and look GREAT. I look better than I ever did for a 54 year old women. Yes the pain was awful I tried to kill myself twice to ease the pain but I thought of my grandshildren and my kids. It does hurt and I never ever thought I would get through it and the hurt nowing he picked her over me. I have not forgiven them and can’t forget right now. But my kids finally understand mom needed help and my middle daughter was there all the way, thank GOD. Yes I still feel lonely and miss him even after all these years. But I feel angry with him but mostly dissappointed in him more than anything…… I finally feel I no it’s over but I will say I do think one day he will show up and sweep me off my feet, and maybe it will make me feel good to say to him GO TO HELL because I have been there and it is your turn. But I believe in GOD and he will never let me down no matter what!!!!! Good luck ladies and I feel for you but do what I do I call him a ass when I am angry and it seems to help. My husband was a good husband so I thought but he was evil inside. I really did love him with all my heart and soul since I was 18 but he does not deserve ME…

  • Ella November 5, 2012, 5:55 AM

    Hi Ladies — Sorry we are all here. I normally post on another thread here, but saw these posts. Sonia — I remember you posted and you have been quiet for awhile — but I’m curious how it is for you past 2 years. I’m at 20 months and am still struggling a little. Not as bad as it was. My H has done everything possible to make it work. He’s an open book, home early, spends all free time with me and has been more open and honest in communication. BUT — at times, I just notice a coldness — but I think that’s him. I’m curious about you handle triggers now. Do you talk about it? I have not brought it up in about 3 months since our Anniversary. That still smarts for me and I just don’t think I can “celebrate” it anymore since he told someone else the L word. I still cringe when I hear her name on TV or read it somewhere. When I pass someone who has her characteristics — though I’ve never seen her but think I may have seen a picture on facebook — I wonder if he’s looking for her- – I see him turn his head…. so I still get the insecurities. I know I can’t worry about him. I can’t control his feelings or him….but I do have doubts if I should have just moved on — it’s not anything he’s doing now- – but the ghosts that continue to haunt a bit. I’m ok as a person and have gotten so much stronger — but I slip sometimes. Curious about what is working and what isn’t for you….

    • Jewels November 7, 2012, 1:15 AM

      Diane – So happy for you, it seems like you are in a much better place than when you first came to the site, and I happy for you. You are right, he does not deserve you. Continue to focus on Diane and call him an ass when needed lol!! So happy you shared an updated with us.

      Sonia – Love that you posted an update as well!! It seems like you and your husband are in a healing state, which is wonderful. I am sure you learned so much about yourself and your husband in the process, and it comforts me to know you are in such a good state, thank you for sharing, I wish you the best!

      Concon – I know it’s so tough when you have a partner who is denying everything even though you know what is going on, it is so frustrating. Just remember that everything is going to be revealed to you when it is the right time, you know in your heart what the truth is, and as long as you know that, he can tell all types of stories. I know it’s hard, but try not to stress about finding out, be calm and know that you will be shown the truth. Let go of the need to force it, you will see it without even trying. Take care!

  • Concon November 7, 2012, 1:55 AM

    Hi Jewels! He already made his confession about what was actually happening. I accidentally read a text message from his co-worker. Actually, the message I read was that the woman was uncomfortable that my hubby is sending him flirt messages and that this woman is not entertaining his advances. I asked him why he did it. He said that he is not happy with our marriage anymore and that he is looking for an outlet for his unhappiness. That he said it was my fault and I am the one to blame because I am making him unhappy. Instead of apologizing, he got angry at me and even hit me. I have never felt so devastated in my whole life. The fact that this woman she is flirting with is not reciprocating his feelings means that it is he who initiates everything. I read an article about emotional infidelity and all that said there was true. I don’t know what to do anymore. It is really hard for me to understand what is happening.

  • Trish December 12, 2012, 4:47 PM

    Recently I discovered my husband had been sending inappropriate (sexual)emails to a former coworker. We had issues regarding this person in the past and he doesn’t seem to be able to stop contacting her. What is worse is the behavior is escalating. I am not 100% sure they haven’t had sex. I am so hurt and confused, I can’t believe a thing that comes out of his mouth. He says nothing physical has happened but I can’t/dont trust him. I have small children and I can’t decide what to do. He started texting this woman over a year ago and the emails I found occurred a couple months ago. He tells me he wants to work things out but I don’t know if I can. This woman has met me and the kids so she knows he is married. He wants to try counselling I just want to help ME because it hurts just to get through the day most of the time.

  • Gimlet December 14, 2012, 7:06 AM

    Trish, So sorry for your pain. If you decide to work on things insist on complete openess he has to give you anything you need and that include a list of all email accounts,passwords etc…. Take care of yourself first and we will all be here to listen when you need us. Hugs.

  • Trish December 14, 2012, 10:11 AM

    Thank you for your kind words 🙂 It helps to know that others understand how I feel. I always thought I could never stay with someone who does these things but it is so hard when kids are involved. I am taking it a day at a time and doing extra little things for myself. I cant believe what an effect this has had on me and I think the only people who can truly understand are ones that are going through it too. My emotions are all over the place. My heart breaks for everyone having these issues.

    • Jewels December 14, 2012, 11:14 PM

      Hi Trish,

      It is always hard with the kids, so my heart goes out to you, I am still working on dealing with the divorce with my 6 year old. I will tell you that no one is rushing you. If he is willing to work things out, watch his actions, not his words. See how much effort he puts for in the recovery. And if you decide to leave, again, no one is rushing. It took me months to mentally get myself together to leave, after I decided to leave. Take Care, hugs to you!

      RIP to the innocent victims of the school shooting in Newtown

  • Trish December 15, 2012, 8:10 AM

    Hi Jewels,

    My kids are definitely the reason why I have not left yet. Every day is different and my emotions are definitely on a roller coaster 🙁 I am working on getting myself together, as you said 🙂 and being the best Mom I can for my kids. My husband wants to try counselling. He has gone alone for a couple sessions which I want to believe is a good sign but it is hard to have any hope where he is concerned right now. Thank you ladies for your kind responses it really does help me 🙂

    Prayers to the victims and families in Newtown.

    • Jewels December 18, 2012, 12:08 AM

      Hi Trish,

      I will tell you some great advice that my dad told me when I finally shared what was going on. The advice was this – go to counseling. Because if you go and it doesn’t work out, you can always look back and say you tried to work things out, you fought. But without going to counseling, you will never know. I just felt you needed to hear that.

      With that being said (lol), me and my husband never made it to counseling. We couldn’t agree on who to see (that is pretty sad, but it is true). But I did tell my husband that he needs to lead the effort to get the marriage counselor. If he put forth the effort to get one, I would go. He never did. So it looks like your husband is willing to lead the recovery of the marriage, which is a step further than what my husband did. Again at the end of the day, we are going to support you no matter what you decide, because only you will know best what to do. But my dad’s words helped alot during that time.

      Also, just as much as your husband is going to sessions alone, you can do the same, you can let your husband lead the joint counseling and get some on your own to help you deal with the trama of what you experienced. Take Care!!

  • Leslie December 18, 2012, 1:25 PM

    Dianne

    Bravo!
    I miss my scum somedays too, but most days Im happy I left. My divorce took 2 years and ohh it was hell but Im coming out the other end now and I know that God has something better for me.

    “Ill trust God any day” he did this for me not to me.

    I loved and honored my marriage and my husband should have done the same.

    I wish all the ladies in this forum the very best this coming year.

  • Leslie December 18, 2012, 1:31 PM

    Oh my story in a nut shell was that my husband got his mistress pregnant.
    Oh the nights of stress and crying and trying to bargain with the universe to make it not so. “How could this happen” “It had to be a dream”

    Every stage of grief, i did it but in the end I let the divorce happen because really how do you recover from something like that. No opportunity to never have contact with the other woman. They, him and his mistress made a choice but I was supposed to have the other woman share me and my childrens life for the rest of my life not!

    Every day God provides me relief from the sadness as I move foward to my future. 1 step at a time, 1 step at a time.

  • Leslie December 18, 2012, 2:02 PM

    If you are sad today, thats ok.
    I get sad sometimes too.
    Some of my Tips to get through the hard days.

    Just watching a comedy and lauging out loud gives your spirit time to experience its natural joy.

    Sometimes when my son is with his father I take in a great action flick at the theater by myself.

    Sometimes I go and get my toes done in a happy color or I go and get a $15 haircut from great clips and style it myself. Looking cute helps 🙂 I dont want another man right now but Im not gonna let myself fall apart either.

    A cup of coffee with a really good friend at the local starbucks, some people watching, and good conversation is great.

    And hey, everybody is going through something. Keep in mind most often than not what you see is a facade that people put on (happy marrieges, kids, family job) and you are not alone. So after the kids are down for the night, read a good book and go to another land for a while or take a hot relaxing bath so that it helps you get the rest that you need and deserve.

    PS I dont like harsh medication but on nights that I find myself on that merry go round in my mind that we women stay on 🙂 I take a melatonin which helps me relax and get the sleep that I need to take care of me and my children. You can get melatonin at GNC, Walmart or a grocery store for that matter.

    Hope my tips help someone going through a tough time.

  • Diane December 19, 2012, 4:30 AM

    Hello
    I have written to this web sight many times and just want to help women like me. I was married for 33 years and was faithful all those years but my husband couldn’t be and I would not see it so I drank. My husband said he loved me but was not in love with me. He blamed me for his unhappiness and I all so blamed me. It has been almost three years and a divorce in process. I would email him with awful hateful things because it hurt so much. But I am over that now Thank GOD!!!! I work full time now, own my car and have a great apartment. It took a very long time but I did it. I no now that my husband did not deserve me in any way. I can’t go back to the life I had with him because the trust and everything I believed in my marriage is gone. He has lived with his mistress for over two years now and he made that choice. Just remember ladies it does get better and it does take time. We all deserve better in a marriage and I will keep looking for that perfect man who will stand my me not behind me. I now feel like I am a whole person again and make my own choices. He did not derserve me!!!!

  • Colleen January 7, 2013, 2:54 PM

    A few months ago an observant friend tipped me off about what she considered inappropriate (flirtatious) behavior between my husband and a young waitress at a restaurant we all frequent. I pooh-poohed it but kept my eyes and ears open.
    What I learned rocked my world! I discovered in the course of the next few weeks that my hubby of 17 years was not only perusing hardcore porn sites daily (the worst of the worst!), he was also sending sexually explicit e-mails to women advertising in the “personals” on Craigslist in an attempt to “hook up” with them. Text messages on his phone showed he had been using escort services. I found condoms in his car’s glove box and Viagra in his shaving kit (he’d been using it for at least four years and I knew nothing about it).

    Though I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach, I kept my cool. I had a consultation with an attorney to learn about divorce laws in my state. I started cleaning out my closets in preparation for a move. I got my ducks in a row gradually while I tried to get used to the shock of what I’d found out.

    The confrontation finally took place a few days ago (I waited until after the holidays). Although my husband admitted what I had evidence to prove, he denied he’d had sex with another woman saying it was all just “fantasizing.” I would be an idiot to believe that! The lying and deceit are mind-numbing.

    I’ve been hurt and betrayed by someone who was supposed to love me and be my best friend, and I’m in pain; but I know I must let him go. The trust is gone, and the worst of it is that it doesn’t seem to matter to him how badly he’s hurt me.

    I’m trying to keep positive thoughts and think about good thing to come in the future, but my emotions are on that same roller coaster that we’re all sharing. At some point I’ll get off.

    Just having a place like this to vent helps, and knowing I’m not the only one feeling sad.

  • Angelica January 22, 2013, 7:36 PM

    I discovered my husband’s affair a year ago. The pain does not go away. I do not think it ever will, how can I stop feeling the betrayal? He has done everything he could do, unfortunately as people have said, my marriage has changed and what I feel I have lost will never come back to me. He made a choice of his own free will and I feel he was willing to throw away this marriage then.
    I know, they do not think they will get caught, but then it is even worse since an affair damages the marriage in any case.
    I have never planned my life around marriage, coming from a broken home myself. I guess that is why preserving at all cost a marriage that has become meaningless (he broke his vows and engaged in disrespectful behaviour to please his nasty new friend) is not in my plans. Our marriage was not perfect but I still saw him as my friend and the only person I trusted, I though we had a deeper bond. I was wrong.
    I have no illusions, I am done with marriages. I am glad we can work together when it comes to our children as I want them to have their father. I do not want to hurt him, perhaps because he has allowed to express my anger and any type of emotions I have felt and feel. Perhaps because I can see how bad he feels about his past actions.
    I am just very sad and I hope I am not depressed. It will take a long time and I do not believe my sadness will leave me any time soon. He has his own place but he is around a lot, so there has not been a total break, but this has been good for the children and at times good for us too. I don’t know how common this is.

    • Jewels January 23, 2013, 10:32 PM

      Hi Angelica,

      I know the pain cuts to the core of you, and you are right, the marriage will never be the same. It seems like you are still married, but living apart, and he is around for the kids, which is very important to you. Overcoming the betrayal of a spouse is not easy, BUT at the same time, you owe it to yourself to fight for the hope that you can smile again. The kids need to see the mom that feels good. We can never really understand why things happen, but we always have a choice in our interpretations of what has happened in our lives. Your husband’s actions are his own, we often correlate cheating with ‘why would you do this to me’ when in actuality it has to do more with the person that cheated than it does the person that was cheated on. He had something going on with him to take that route and make that decision. You deserve to live a life that feels good, fight for your right to feel good. Fight for your right to feel joy. You deserve it Angelica. If you are in a position to go to a professional therapist or doctor, that is also an option (and a way to fight for you). Take care, wishing you a bright recovery.

  • Angelica January 28, 2013, 2:46 AM

    Jewels,

    I am not sure therapy is for me. I tried counselling, and it was a disaster. At times I would come out angrier than when I went in. My mother has suspicions this woman had been a mistress at some point in her life, given some of her suggestions/comments.

    Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post and for your understanding.

    • Jewels January 30, 2013, 7:15 AM

      Hi Angelica,

      I understand, trust me, not all therapists are created equal. Matter of fact, many of the women that have had success with it went through 2 or 3 before they found someone who is helpful. Yes, anyone that was a potential former mistress is not a good one for you, I can see how traumatic that could be, hang in there!

  • tootles102 February 4, 2013, 5:25 AM

    Hi Jewels, I found out after 35 years of marriage that my husband was unfaithful on and off our whole married life…he has a sex addiction stemming from being molested by his sister at a young age. I understand all of this with my head, yet I also believe that he could’ve made the choice to get help long before now. I can’t seem to let go of all the deceit of 35 years and even begin to work on our marriage. I’m almost 57 and I don’t really know how to start over either…No one knows about this but him and I…we have 4 children and 10 grandchildren…I want the rest of my life to be more than just years spent trying to deal with and get over this…Thanks ladies for your care and concern!

    • Jewels February 4, 2013, 10:14 PM

      Hi Tooties102,

      Unfortunately I have heard your story before, one where a husband has cheated the entire marriage of 20 plus years and I must say my heart goes out to you. There is no easy way to heal from years of deception. I will tell you, with 4 kids and 10 grandchildren, his cheating does not take away what you have built and grown together for 35 years. I understand you are in a difficult position because you do not want to start over, yet you do not want to spend years healing.

      First thing is you do not have to decide this moment, just try to get a handle on life at this time. Next, if you are in a position to go see a therapist, that might be a good thing. You need to process and really understand how this has impacted you. A good therapist can help speed up the journey so you can have a better handle on what to do next. Again, my heart goes out to you, take care!!

  • Sonia February 17, 2013, 4:15 PM

    Im back. I had to stop looking at this site becausd although ig helped me heal it also opened up old wounds in the process. I csn honestly say my husband and I are doing muchbetter than I ever would have thought. Its been over 2 years since DDay. It took a lot of work on both of us to get where we are today. We communicate a lot more and are each others best friends. I guess thd experts are right when they say it tskes over 2 years to comme to terms with infedelity. We had a mild setback at the start of last year. We had a loss in our family andthe obituary was in the paper.well the other woman contacted my husbsnd at his work to offer her condolences (whatever) Iknew what her ulterior motives were. Well that was my chance to express what I thought of her since I didn’t really get to do that when I originally found out. I FB messaged her and was courteous and told her that we didn’t need her condolences that my husband and I had each other. I told her that I didn’t hate her but didn’t understand her..why she was contactkng my husband after the way he dumped her. I then told her I wished her well and that she found someone who truly loved her. I hit a nerve when I said that becsuse she said she did have someone..a boyfriend.and that she was happy so then I told her well if you have someone and are SO happy why are you calling my husband. I also told her that on DDay I had told my husbsnd to leave if he wanted to b with hef but that he begged me for another chance saying she meant nothing. So we went on back and forth for a bit that day when I finally realized it was useless talking to a brick wall..she still was stuck hoping to get back with my husband using our loss to worm her way in. Pathetic excuse for a woman! My husband evdn told her to leave us alone and that he wanted nothing to do with her…So ladies “sometimes they come back” lol!! (Or at least try to)

  • Sonia February 17, 2013, 4:36 PM

    Ella,
    About triggers….I don’t get them as often as I used to. Every once in a while and I noticed when I do it’s usually around my period. But I’ve gotten better at dismissing them. I no lOnger call him nonstop and don’t need him to do it either. I realized I’m an amazing woman and he’d be an idiot to mess up again. He knows he will lose me if he does it again. I guess Im stronger and know that I don’t need him in my life if he chooses to do it again. He knows how much it hurt me and if he does it again I know he doesn’t love me. So that’s how I handle it. But yes I dont like her name. And God forbid when my girls are older and have a baby I will oppose if they want to name her by her name! Yuck!

  • Lisa May 2, 2013, 4:12 PM

    Hi everyone! I haven’t written in awhile. Things have been going really well for my husband and I. We have been working together on communication, respect, being friends etc. In my opinion our relationship is at its best. However….. Let me refresh. My husband had a 3 yr affair while he worked out of state. It ended a year ago this month. He moved home from his out of state job and here we are. My problem is I continue to dig because I know he hasn’t told me the entire truth about the affair. I found on FB of all places several communications between the OW and one of her friends that went into detail about how often she flew up to see him and how many weeks she stayed each time. Found out it was 5 yrs instead of 3! It also discussed things such as her meeting his coworkers. Oh and she even discussed his gallbladder surgery as if she was there. She wasn’t by the way, it was me holding his hand and comforting him during that time. These things were never revealed to me and reading them today made my open wound even bigger. I have not said anything to him about it and am afraid to do so. As of today, I’m not quite sure I will ever get past it. I don’t think time heals all wounds. I guess I just need some pick me up words or just some advice. Feeling pretty low at this point.

  • Diane May 3, 2013, 5:26 AM

    Hello Ladies
    Just to refresh your memory I was married for 33 years and my husband cheated on me. I also thought the affair lasted 3 years but now I no it was 5 years. I felt stupid for not knowing what was right under my nose, love is blind!!! I have been living in a apartment the last 2 1/2 years while he lives with the OW. We are not divorced yet but he has dragging his feet. I get calls from him 23 no unknown name private number and while he is away. And as soon as she goes to him all calls stop. I do not understand why he does this. He had made his choice and it was her. It has been to hell and back for me but no more . What he did ruined a lot for me like trust of another man. Yes time does heal most wounds and Karma is a bitch. Keep your head up and be proud of yourself because like me he did the cheating not me. I have a friend at work going through it now and her husband picked the other women and she has two small children. I am trying to help her and no the pain she is going through. I feel her pain and her ups and downs, it does take a long time to get past the anger, pain, disbelief but it does get better with a lot of time. I also believe in sister hood among women and a women who has a affair with a married man is no sister!!

  • Sad girl June 21, 2013, 8:46 AM

    I have been married for 8 years, the first few years were tough as we got married because i got pregnant with twins. The last 5 years of our marriage were the best few years of my life he was the perfect husband that i always wanted. about a month ago I was approached thru a social network by this women my husband dated , somehow she found me. She said that she had an affair with my husband for the first 2 years of our marriage and she had emails to prove it, that she felt ” bad for me” she should have felt bad for me when she was screwing my husband. I chose not to respond to this lady. I approached my husband and he confessed that it was true! But that it had happened many years ago and that he’s never been happier with me, I believe that because I felt the same way he said that the guilt had been eating him inside . I’m now in my early 30’s we had been dating since my early 20’s. I can’t stop checking this lady’s page, I found out she uses drugs, she sleeps with ghetto young men, and she’s about 15 years older than me. She looks like she’s old enough to be my mom and shes bi-polar. Since he came clean, I find myself in such a dark place, I feel as though I don’t know the person I’ve shared my life with for the past 8 years.. I love my husband very much and I know that he cheated during a very difficult time in our marriage although that doesn’t justify anything or make it ok.. I’m tired of feeling sad, of crying, asking why this women would look for me now! Apparently according to my husband she wanted to start things up again and he told her he was happy and she was pissed , I wonder if I’m stupid for believing him. I always felt like I had a great man! I work hard, I’m educated, I’m not that bad to look at.. I just don’t understand!! I want to work things out because I love my husband and my kids are 7 years old and I don’t want to break up our family, but I wonder if ill be able to get thru this!! I wish this ghetto grandmother had never reached out me..

  • sherry July 20, 2013, 1:51 PM

    Sherry
    Where do I start. I simply married the wrong man. Oh I thought I was really in love so much so that i missed all of the signs that were saying run as fast as you can. I feel that he has been cheating the entire marriage. He confessed to two affairs that happened twenty years ago only because i am questioning him about the current one Ii suspect he’s having with a married co-worker. Why am I putting up with this? My suspicious are based on the fact that he calls this woman as soon as he leaves the house although he is going to see her at work in about 20 mins. What’s that all about? He says she’s the only one he can talk about his problems at work as if I shouldn’t have a problem with that. I do believe he even invited her to my sons graduation. I have had enough. He got cologne for Christmas and said at first that his cousin bought it for him and then forgot and said it was his brother. I simply called my sister in law and asked her what did she and his brother buy him for Christmas and she said a shirt. We were trying to so called work on our marriage but after he paraded the cologne she bought him in my face I had had enough. No more working it out! She can have him and I am moving on. I have been secretly paying my bills off and saving money while he is focused on this married woman. I am going to take some online classes so that I can return to the work force. I came across this site and could not stop reading it . It has help me to realize that I am not alone. If you have any opinions I would love to read them.

    • Jewels July 24, 2013, 5:03 PM

      Hi Sherry,
      I think you are spot on, I literally felt your confidence get stronger as I read the post. I think you are on the right track. If he lies about a Christmas present, he is lying about much more, and you do not have to put up with it. I also think it is smart that you are quietly getting yourself together. By the time he realizes that you are no longer going to take this, you will already be gone mentally. Keep doing what you are doing and most importantly, don’t back down on making yourself a priority.

  • Samantha July 31, 2013, 2:33 PM

    I just found out my partner of 13 years had an affair. He slept with this girl about 7 years ago and she messaged him a few months ago after searching for him via facebook. She left messages stating how much she missed him and thought of him often. This was at a time in our relationship where things were rocky and he says she was a nice diversion to our problems. He’s showing extreme remorse, has called this woman and has said “I love Sam and our kids, they mean the world to me. Leave me alone and don’t ever call my phone again.” And that’s great, but, I’m still so angry. During our problems I never cheated. He slept with her 4 times (so he says; she claims it was a lot more than that) and said he regrets it and she was a terrible mistake 7 years ago and a terrible mistake now. He said it was a nice “ego boost” where he felt our relationship was heading in a downward spiral. But again, I’m still so angry. I feel like I’m crazy, I go from feeling normal, to sad, to this intense anger and I unleash it all on him. He just looks down and mumbles, “I’m sorry I hurt you – please don’t leave me”. My heart says stay because I love him, but my head says, “are you crazy? run and don’t look back”.

    At one point his other woman was contacting me to give me, and I’ll say what she said, “Sam, you need my side of the story, your husband is a dog and you’re a great woman, you should find a man who deserves you — I just hope I’m not pregnant.” Does she think I’m stupid enough to believe she has my best interest at heart?

    So both him and I changed our numbers, cancelled all social media accounts etc. I’m not running from the truth, the fact is he cheated, I don’t need her account of all the sordid details. But, do I stay or go. Right now, I’m moving out but my heart keeps calling me “are you sure? are you sure?” like a broken record. AARGH! It’s so hurtful and frustrating.

    • Jewels August 4, 2013, 12:01 AM

      Samantha, you are right in the thick of it. It would of been difficult but easier if he would of told you the situation that happened so you would of had the upper hand if she later contacted him. Unfortunately, most men do not think this way, it’s usually I can’t tell her because she will leave. Good that you changed numbers and accounts. He said that they only did something 7 years ago? Make it clear to him that if you ever find out that all of the story is not true, it’s over. I don’t think moving out is a bad thing, he needs to feel the pain of what this has done, and him saying ‘I’m sorry is not going to heal the marriage.’ He needs to take ownership of the situation, including the recovery. Trust has to be rebuilt, and if he doesn’t know how to do that, he should seek counsel in a therapist or books written by people that give some guidance on the topic. He has got to work and fight to save the marriage, because clearly you are torn. Don’t beat yourself up about it, as you can see, this is not easy.

      You were smarter than me on the OW contact thing, I have never heard a conversation going well with talking to the OW. I talked to the OW, and she did tell me things that I later found out was true, but at the same time, she was telling me in because my ex-husband pissed her off. Never trust the OW intentions. Be well and hang in there!

  • Samantha August 4, 2013, 12:56 PM

    I wasn’t so smart with OW contact thing – I did engage her a little bit when the news first came to light and then stopped responding to her – that’s when her contact with me ramped up. Like she was desperate for me to know every little detail. I just wish I could stop thinking about him and her. It’s frequently on my mind and the things I want to say to her. I don’t know why we do this to one another – I can’t imagine knowingly sleeping with another woman’s husband or boyfriend! And I can’t imagine sleeping with another man behind his back either. I guess not everyone’s morals/integrity etc are not the same. I think this OW is only telling me things because she’s angry at him – because (as with your ex’s OW) he pissed her off.

    Although I wish this site was unnecessary – I’m glad I found it! It’s unbelievable how many people are going through similar problems.

  • Samantha August 4, 2013, 12:56 PM

    I wasn’t so smart with OW contact thing – I did engage her a little bit when the news first came to light and then stopped responding to her – that’s when her contact with me ramped up. Like she was desperate for me to know every little detail. I just wish I could stop thinking about him and her. It’s frequently on my mind and the things I want to say to her. I don’t know why we do this to one another – I can’t imagine knowingly sleeping with another woman’s husband or boyfriend! And I can’t imagine sleeping with another man behind his back either. I guess not everyone’s morals/integrity etc are not the same. I know this OW is only telling me things because she’s angry at him – because (as with your ex’s OW) he pissed her off.

    Although I wish this site was unnecessary – I’m glad I found it! It’s unbelievable how many people are going through similar problems.

  • Bibi August 6, 2013, 10:53 PM

    Samantha
    when I read this ( “Sam, you need my side of the story, your husband is a dog and you’re a great woman, you should find a man who deserves you….” .Does she think I’m stupid enough to believe she has my best interest at heart?”)
    I just cannot believe how similar it is to me last week across the other side of the world. She says all that to me, but then says she loves him and wants to be with him (after telling me what an ars**ole he is). This is the mother of our 8 year old son’s best friend from school – we welcomed her into our home after she left her partner in April. It’s now August and she has been sleeping wiht my husband under my nose since April or early May – who cares when – it started as an emotional affair -both had their victim sob stories, both had plenty of time to drink smoke and play pool together in our garage! while i put kids to bed and gave them all (incl her son) dinner and bath.

    Just breathtaking.

  • Samantha August 7, 2013, 6:56 PM

    Bibi – mistresses must read from the same handbook!!! She did the EXACT same thing – tell me he was lying, cheating dog and then telling him “if things don’t work out you can come live with me” and “if she doesn’t treat you properly, I will.” what a f****ing slut. She was willing to take a father away from his children for her own selfish BS. Is it so hard to find a man of your own??

  • Samantha August 7, 2013, 10:17 PM

    Oh – I think I should be clear – I know my husband made the choice to cheat so all my anger is not solely directed at her.

  • cody August 22, 2013, 3:21 AM

    I just found this site in my search to make sense of this nightmare. ok…. here’s my story. I met my husband back in Dec. 1999 when I was 19 yrs old. He was 3o at the time. We hit off immediately, things progressed very fast & we had a son born Nov. 30th 2000. He had been married once before & had 3 kids from that marriage. We got married in May 2001. We had another child in 2004, & the last child was born in 2005. Through the early years of our marriage I would catch him receiving emails from dating websites & check the profiles & he would claim that someone else made those w/out his permission. He would always work late hours, he would come home @ 2 or 3 in the morning sometimes (he was manager of a motorcycle shop &was one of 2 employees so he would always say he had to finish jobs). A couple of years ago he admitted he would stay at the shop even when there was no work just because he didn’t want to come home & have to help me w/the kids. In 2010 my oldest son was diagnosed w/cancer, so we moved to be closer to the hospital. After 4 months of chemo. my sons cancer was gone. The bad thing about where we live is that the schools are not very good, on top of that my oldest son started having behavioral problems (he got arrested @ school for hiding in the bathroom & skipping class this past school year). So in order to get him into a better situation my husband & I discussed it & decided that maybe the kids & I should stay w/ my mom (who lives 8 hrs. away) for a few months to get my son out of those surroundings & people he was hanging out with. So the day came on Oct. 19th we left & the plan was for us to come back at the end of the school year. We got up there & all the kids did a lot better w/behavior & grades. I spoke on the phone w/my husband all through out the day many times everyday. The distance got to be too much & I decided we would go back home @ Christmas break. I discussed it w/ my husband & he kept saying we needed to stay up there & not come home yet. We got back home Dec. 19th. (the whole time we were up there every time I would talk to him on the phone his friend & his friends daughter & her 2 small kids would be at our house, he said they were over playing cards & visiting & they were there EVERY SINGLE day). when the kids & I got home he would argue w/ me & insist on them coming over everyday , I didn’t mind them coming over on weekends, but not during the week when the kids had to go to bed for school. but he insisted & argued & tried to make me feel bad by saying the OW was just trying to be friendly & that I should be friends w/her (I had known her for a long time & never liked her) so he won the argument & they were @ our house EVERY SINGLE day. I asked him then if anything had happened w/her while I was gone & he said no. I started noticing after they would leave at night he would get texts. I would ask him who was texting that late @ night & he would say it was his friends daughter thanking us for letting them come over so I took his word for it & never checked the messages. I had misplaced my phone one night & was going to use his phone to call mine to locate it & for some reason I just thought I should check his messages. the first one was a pic of her chest, the second one was a message saying I love you & there were others but I don’t remember what all they said. I woke him up to question him & he said the pic was there because a co worker bet him that he couldn’t get a girl to send him a naked pic & I asked him about the I love you one & he said he doesn’t know why she said that. I asked him again & said I deserve to know & he admitted that they kissed ONCE & that it was awkward & it never happened again. I struggled with this for a couple of days. I would ask him over & over to please tell me if anything else happened & he would swear nothing else happened, he even put his hands on both sides of my face & looked me right in the eyes several times & his exact words were “, I promise you nothing else happened”. Well it was bothering me so much just thinking that they had kissed & I had absolutely no one to talk to & I knew that if anyone would be able to tell me if he was lying it would be his ex-wife. I called her & she saw the OW on Fb (her dad has been a friend of the family for a long time so everyone talks to her too she’s 26 yrs old) his x wife questioned her & she admitted to kissing a handful times. I went to confront my husband just about lying about the # of kisses & I was extremely upset & I demanded him to tell me if anything happened & he replied :”you know what happened”. He claims they slept together a few times, but according to her it was more than 5 times & from what I have been told he basically moved her & her kids into my house while me & my kids were gone & she stayed in my house until a couple of days before I came back. So it lasted from Oct. – Dec. & I found out about it 2 days after Valentines day. He said sorry & cut contact w/ her. Then a couple of weeks later I thought I should check his email & sure enough I found MORE than 80 emails where he was replying to random ads on craig’s list & had even placed his own ad trying to hook up w/random people for sex (those emails started a couple of months before I went to my mom’s & ended when he got with the OW) Some emails were asking for room #s, others said he will be there in x amount of mins., others were pics of his private parts, others he was sending out his phone # to these random people. when questioned about this he said he didn’t meet up w/ any of them he said he was too scared. So now I find myself here 6 months later still hurt, confused, & definitely not trusting him. He just goes on his happy way everyday acting like nothing happened & has even made the comment to me that he thought I was over the whole thing already & that I should be over it. if I do try to bring it up he just gets mad. he did confess to me that he told the OW he thought he loved her, but he said he made it clear before they did anything that he was not going to leave me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should leave or stay. I have stayed so far but not sure how or if I can get past all this. I’m 33 yrs old now w/3 kids & I haven’t had a job since I was 19 ( I quit working when I got preg.) I feel so hurt & lost & he is so happy & carefree, but I think about this everyday constantly. Sorry for such along story but I think that’s pretty much my story. Thanks for reading it

  • cody August 22, 2013, 3:34 AM

    oh I forgot to add to my previous comment that we have discussed me & the kids going back to stay w/my mom & he acts upset & tries convincingly to make me feel bad (he is one of those guys that tells people exactly what they want to hear to make situations better & he’s really good at it). Also my oldest son found out about the affair & told my husband he wouldn’t blame me if I left his dad & my husband turned it around & told him that if we had never had to leave because of my son’s behavior that he would have never had the chance to cheat on me basically trying to blame it all on my 12 yr old son.

    • Jewels August 31, 2013, 8:22 AM

      Hi Cody,
      Before I read your entire story I knew your husband had moved the OW in and that they slept together. I have a rule about other women, in general. No women other than work should be spending that much time with your husband, even if it is a friend. She should of not stepped foot in your house and he should of talked to you about it. But he wanted to be sneaky.
      I don’t know your entire story, but 8 hours away from him sounds good. If this other friend wants to have your husband who has you, the ‘friend’ and still wants to be on craigs list hooking up with other women? He can have that, you are too good for him and do not deserve the treatment.
      You don’t know how many women I talk to that do not have familiar to turn to, you do. Utilize it!! And you are young, I know you have kids, but you have time to rebuild a life and eventually meet someone better. Take advantage, do it.
      But before you do, talk to a divorce lawyer (most have free consultations) and see what your rights are. Be strategic about this. He can’t just run away and give up his moral obligation to take care of his kids. It doesn’t work that way. I’m not a lawyer so this is just my guess but you should really look it for yourself. You haven’t’ worked because you have been supporting your kids and his – a lawyer will tell you the options around this.

  • shazza September 4, 2013, 5:05 AM

    Although things are moving on with my H and I….I just wanted to say there are days were I am still sad thinking about how he could do this to me…hurt me so bad with none other than my SIL!!!! My brother and SIL’s marriage was on the rocks…they separated and she decided to move on in on my H…her new relationship! Didn’t give a toss about the fact about me or that she was hell bent on taking her young niece and nephew’s father away from them. I am so angry with her….if she was the OW who I did not know about it would be different…..but my SIL knew what she was doing and planned on planted my H in as a replacement to my brother for her grown kids (she even asked my nieces and nephews – her kids…if they were happy to have H as a step father! WHAT THE? how crazy is this woman?). We have no contact with her anymore finally but I will never ever forgive her! If she was the OW who was part of my family and didn’t know what she was doing to try and destroy our family…I would eventually forgive her maybe but not someone who knows exactly what she was doing!

  • Cody September 6, 2013, 1:32 AM

    thanks for the reply Jewels!!! My problem is I know in my head that I need to move on, but so far I have stayed. In his mind the affair is all done & over & when it gets brought up he says that I should already be past this & that I should already be over it all (even though it’s only been about 6 months). He tells our 3 kids ages 8 yrs, 9 yrs, & 12 yrs. that if we move away from him that he will never see or be able to talk to them again… ever (which is not true, but from previous experience w/his older 3 adult kids …HE choses not to talk to them). he even claimed one of the times him & I were talking about me leaving that if I left he wouldn’t have to worry about the bills because he wouldn’t be around anymore (basically claiming he would kill himself, he would never really do that though ). Since I found out about the affair he seems to be trying to prove that he wont do it again (got a job closer to home & is home a lot more, doesn’t watch porn on comp. as often), my problem is that I still don’t know how I can get past all this & be happy w/him (he is just fine & happy go lucky all the time) or if it is even possible. Right now I just go through my day to day routine & am mostly numb, I pretty much wait on him hand & foot (which he claims is what I’m supposed to do since he has the job & pays for everything, (he works part time & has to call his mom to borrow money to pay the bills) his exact quote is ” he shouldn’t have to help out or do anything at all around the house because he pays for it all”.). Anyway he is happy & I am still struggling to figure it all out & don’t know if I could ever be happy w/him again after all that we have been through even if he never cheats again I still cant get past all that has already happened. sorry to ramble on but I really just needed to let it all out & know that i’m not alone. thanks

    • Jewels September 6, 2013, 9:50 PM

      Hi there,

      After reading your version, I think that you have more than just affair problems in the marriage, and when an affair occurs, it brings all the issue’s to the surface. I think you really should both sit down and have a real conversation around some real issues in the marriage. Topics like you doing all the work/waiting on him all the time – needs to be discussed. You should not be doing things in the marriage because you ‘have to’. It should be a partnership, and if you feel parts are unequal, it’s time to talk it out. Because no one deserves to live in misery, especially after him cheating, she should be more prone and open to discussions on what you need out of the relationship, and what he needs. Resentment is a deadly weapon in a marriage. You start to resent something within the marriage, and then you meet someone else, then of course they give you a different picture/illusion of reality. Now is the time because an affair is hard enough to fix, affair plus feelings of unfairness is even harder (but typically always present). Better to get it out now. You have nothing to lose. And if you can’t talk without arguing (common), then try to work with a therapist. If you can’t afford it, then your husband should get a book/workbook and go through exercises with you. It’s not fun, not easy, it’s real work.

      And you are right, at the end of the day, you might not want to stay. He could do everything in the world, and you might not want to stay. But staying and feeling miserable all the time is not good. Staying and reliving the affair over and over is not a good thing. It’s time to really think about if you BOTH want to get down and dirty, and most importantly, humble enough to do the work. It’s difficult because typically one party doesn’t want to put in the work. And that is the risk that one takes when cheating. I think for you, it’s going to take some time alone to really decide if you want to work on the marriage. For your husband, he should fight regardless, and he can not say those words ‘get over it’, that is like a cat scratching the wall. I guess what I am trying to say is not knowing is the million dollar question, it’s the most difficult question after the affair. And you have to feel your way through it. And focus your efforts on being open about some of the real problems in the marriage, and the affair. This is not easy. This is messy, difficult stuff. But thousands are where you are everyday. You both are not alone. Have a good weekend both of you!

  • Brokenhearted October 19, 2013, 7:59 PM

    The comments like: “It will get better” make me cry. I don’t see it getting better for me. I have no family outside my marriage, and few friends. After 9 years of marital bliss/blindness I didn’t need friends. I had him.

    My husband chases women he says are 9-10s and says I am an 8. I can’t compete with my competition and yet I have no one else in the world but my 19 yr old daughter and 9 year old son with him….
    Thank you for the suggesting I should back off and see if he works on our marriage…and when he proves he won’t….get out. I needed this today. Though my husband was only texting a prettier woman than me and she was responding favorably to his suggestions that she go spend time with him…they both swear they were wer only flirting and nothing happened. My husband swears he couldn’t cheat on me if he had the opportunity…he would not be able to perform…and I don’t believe him. I want to so badly…but I don’t.

    He invited a girl that was swimming in his hotel room pool back to his room, but swears nothing happened with her either..

    I just found the FB thread between him and the girl he invited to join him last Sunday. He had been texting her for months…but a month of silence had passed since I found the thread…so I believe him…

    Am I a fool?

    • Jewels October 21, 2013, 2:46 AM

      Brokenhearted,

      No you are not a fool, you are just trying to find your way through, it’s what we are all doing. First thing is you mentioned no family or friends – I would work hard to change that dynamic. I was similar, no family close and not many friends, felt I didn’t have time with kids to cultivate those relationship’s. So when he cheated, I fell hard and didn’t have much support. And told myself I would never put myself in that situation again. Your husband should be a main part of your life, never your entire life. Join a club or organization in something that interests you and make time to establish relationships, you will not regret it.

      As far as your husband, sometimes people do exchange innocent texts, but when your husband invites people to his room, on two different occasions, that is different. Seems like he is in deny, deny, deny stage. You know the truth, the think that you have to figure out is what is keeping him from doing it again? And is he willing to put in the work needed for the marriage to recover from this? From what you wrote so far, he is so into deny land that he can not even see that he might lose the best thing he ever had.

      Last but not least, he said you are an 8 and the other girls are 9 and 10’s? That is not right at all for him to say – very disrespectful. You deserve better than a husband who tells you something like that. Hugs to you!!

  • Bonzo November 20, 2013, 1:09 PM

    I am new to this thread. I found out a few weeks ago that my husband of 20 years had an affair last year. The affair with his coworker lasted 3 months after which she told him she wanted to be just friends. They then spent the next year messaging each other constantly. I knew he had grown distant last year and asked him repeatedly what we could do about it. He said we needed to spend more time together (we have 4 kids) which we did, but this was after the sexual part of the affair had ended. Things got better for a while but started slipping again when he was still messaging on that phone all the time. Anyway a few weeks ago I saw his password and got up in the middle of the night to look at his phone. I found a bunch of messaging going back 2 months – he had deleted everything else.

    Granted many of the messages were about work and just general check ins… then she started talking about wanting a boob job and tummy tuck and then I read the words I never in my widest dreams thought I’d read… “I still remember seeing you twisted in the sheets at the W. Beautiful!” I was devastated. I crept back to bed but couldn’t sleep. My husband woke because of my restfulness and at one point put his hand on my breast. I asked him if he was comparing it to Selena’s breast. He told me I was being stupid. I then asked him who Tyrone Rogers was… the name she used on the messaging. He still tried to deny it atho am guessing he was in complete shock. I then mentioned the message about the sheets and the whole sorry story came out. We spent the rest of the night talking and crying and I’m ashamed to say, making love.

    Its been 3 weeks. I have asked my husband many questions about his affair and I believe he has told me the truth. The following morning he sent her a messasge telling her that I knew everything and that he would not be messaging her again.

    We had been distant for a long time… I guess 4 kids and living in a country where you have no real friends and family, can do that to you. They started off texting, having coffee which escalated into them having sex around the world while they were away on business together. My husband says it was just sex and that it was nice to feel desired. I understand that and told him that I’d also like to have felt desired. Strangely enough I can almost get my head around the sex but its the messaging for the year or so afterwards that I’m having difficulty with. He says at that point they had just become good friends, but I say I’m supposed to be his best friend, the person he thought of first thing in the morning and last thing at night and that for the last 18 months I haven’t been.

    He is answering every question I ask and I know it is still very early days. I still love my husband and want to make our marriage work, as I believe, does he. I have not confided in anyone, my husband has been my best friend for the past 26 years altho I guess that sadly I wasnt his 🙁

    I have resisted the urge to confront her. Of course I have had lots of conversations with her in my head. She too is married with 2 kids. Of course she is 10 years younger and quite a few dress sizes smaller than me. I have no real desire to talk to her altho at the moment I would love to see her suffer like I am.

    I am hoping that something good will come of his betrayal, in fact I guess it already has. We are talking so much more, communication, telling each other what we like and what we don’t like. Do I have visions of the two of them being intimate together while I stayed home and looked after our home and kids, yes I do but I’m hoping that time will become a healer of sorts and that whilst I will never forget, that I may at some time learn to forgive.

    Thank you for reading. This is the first time I have actually “spoken” to anyone other than my husband about this!

  • LISAP November 24, 2013, 10:34 PM

    Well ladies I was watching an ER show about Broken Heart Syndrome. It is very real and I think I really had this 5yrs ago when my husband cheated on me. I had chest pains and my heart always felt like it was not beating right for two weeks but I never went to the doctor or fear they would say I was hysterical!

    CBS/AP) Think “broken heart” is just a figure of speech? Think again. A new study shows that severe emotional distress, such as the kind experienced after a breakup or the death of a loved one, can cause what doctors call “broken heart syndrome” – especially in women. Women are seven to nine times more likely to suffer from the condition than men, the study found

    People with the syndrome experience heart failure or heart attack-like symptoms. The condition usually resolves within weeks, with no lasting damage – but in rare cases it proves fatal.
    When first evaluated, patients with BHS are initially thought to be having massive heart attacks. However, the changes on their ECGs are not typical for a heart attack, and the cardiac enzyme tests that are supposed to confirm a heart attack are found not to be significantly elevated. Furthermore, when taken to the catheterization laboratory, their coronary arteries are found to be normal (whereas in true heart attacks, one of the coronary arteries would have been occluded). And finally, many of these patients are found to have a peculiar type of heart muscle weakness (cardiomyopathy) on echocardiography, where a portion of their left ventricle “balloons” outward in an unusual and distinctive fashion.

    Many patients with BHS are initially in severe heart failure, and require aggressive and intensive cardiac care. With appropriate care, however, not only do they survive, but also their cardiomyopathy usually completely resolves within a few days to weeks

  • Charlotte November 25, 2013, 7:23 AM

    I feel all you’ll ladies pain in what you’ll are going through with their cheating husbands.My husband we are together for 17 years ,we are staying in a block of flats in Johannesburg all ways use to tell me he is sitting by a friends house just drinking when he is done he will come home ,it was fine the first 1st first week then it went on every weekend he drinks the he does not come back home said to me he black out of drinking i’m staying in number 5 he is drinking in at number 1 your legs can not take you come back home or the ppl that you sit with cant bring you home that keeps calling you to come and drink there.He started to take is bank card from me not buying anything in the house when you ask you have use words that is not from this world for this whole 2013 it went on like this until the place where he drinks every week the mother in law of the woman where he drinks came to knock by my door and told me to go and see whats going on by the flat,i just ignore her thinking their only wants gossip story ,we sleeping one night he was so drunk so his phone rang i pick up the phone the OW dropp the phone in my ear so i dialed the same number the next morning she taught it was him calling when she heard my voice she drop the phone ,i confronted him about it he still lied to me saying is the wife for one of the boys he is working with. i left he send a message on a Thursday night asking her to meet him by the flat where their always drink her replied to him was BABY I CANT COME I AM TIRED DON’T FEEL LIKE DRIVING PLEASE DON’T BE ANGRY I LOVE YOU,i was so pissed when i wrote all these messages i felt him to sleep i took the phone ask GOD to give me guidance in what to do i came back from church he was awake he knew what was waiting for him i ask him again are you having an affair with this woman he still said no we are only friend that made me more angry i took the phone i showed him the message he lied to me telling someone else use his phone to send this message to her how dump men things we are i went to the flat where everything goes on i went to look for her the lady of the house already called her not to come to the flat because she was going to get a nice woman beating from me ,i told him he must take his clothes and leave my place he was crying i must give him another change my family came to talk to me if any body can see my myself today how much weight i have loosed its was not even funny or worth it for these men,why do have to think about the children always when their being caught cheating then their want to used the children when their were busy with these woman their forgot the children were there.how do get past all these hurt and angry?how do you trust this person again?the person that you were so supposed to trust and love and that you could say you could have confided in him that has betrayed you in the most awe full ways.he don’t want to go but the whole time when he wanted this woman the house was to small for him now he is scared of the streets .PLEAS HELP THIS BITTERNESS AND ANGER IS TAKING ITS TALL ON ME .

  • tired December 4, 2013, 12:54 AM

    Hello ladies. This is my first time on this sight and after reading a couple of the stories I could relate. I have been married for 27 years. We have two daughters23 year and 16 year old. A year and a half ago I found out my husband having an affair. He was texting a 24 year girl and taking her on dates. I confronted him but denied it. I told him to tell me or I would call the number and ask her. He did not tell me so I called her. She stated they had been going out a couple of times and he had told her he was single with no commitments. After checking the phone bill I found out that there were more many more. While I stood home for years raising our girls he had been cheating. Its funny that he went through drug problems and I helped with it and when I found out about the drugs it didn’t hurt has much as the cheating. It is a pain , anger, and every ugly feeling you could feel. I went to therapy and it help a little. He also promised nothing happened and that he was sorry. But only months later he did it again and again said sorry. Last week end there was lipstick on his collar and he says that it must be mine. the funny thing about it is I don’t wear lipstick. He kept on telling me he does know how it got there. And in my mind I wanted to make it go away but today he came home with an attitude like am the problem. I am so tired of this merry go round.. I have lost contact with my family and I have no friends. I have also been drinking and its getting worst…I break things and black out at times…I feel like I should not exist…

    • Jewels December 6, 2013, 6:28 AM

      Tired – my heart goes out to you. He seems like a repeat offender. And I know that you have been there for him and raised the kids all of these years – he can never take away the fact that you are a good woman – do not lose sight of that. It pains me to read that you feel like you should not exist. You should exist, absolutely, but you are hiding behind the shadows. Where is Jessica? Like me, you probably have spent a great deal of time trying to get your husband to get his act together. And that is sooo incredibly draining. Your thoughts and body are trying to tell you that it needs some attention. As the wife, you have taken care of everybody, but what about you? Jessica, it is time for you to focus on you. It is no good focusing on the family when it completely depletes you. You owe it to yourself to do things for you – just because you deserve it. You deserve to treat yourself and your kids would love to see that. Start there. At the end of the day, we can not control another person, BUT you can control how you treat yourself, and your life will shift in the proportion that you show ‘life’ that you deserve to feel good. His actions are hurtful, but they are his to own, your responsibility is to not take on his issue, but to react, and that can come in many different forms, including ‘I am a great women, and deserve to be treated to with respect’. That respect starts with you, do something just because you want to do it. Be selfish in treating yourself well, it is a mandatory part of recovery. Hugs to you.

      Charlotte – I can tell you are in the middle of the devastation stage, where all the anger and bitterness is front and center. I can not tell you anything to make the pain away, I can tell you it is a stage and we have all been through this stage. Let it take it’s course. You ask some big questions around trust and recovery, and those are valid questions, but in this stage, the pain is too fresh to start thinking about recovery. Now is the time to try and relax and evaluate your surroundings, watch and observe your husband. Is he remorseful, is he still trying to lie? His actions will tell you a lot about where his mindset is concerning recovery. And I know you are angry right now, as I was as well when my ex-husband cheated, but remember, his actions do not define you, although they impact you. His actions are a reflection of him. Hugs to you!

      LISAP – I so had that syndrome! My chest pains were so bad I ended up taking off work. My pain was also associated with my need to control my husband and ‘make him’ feel my pain. Once I let go of trying to get him to understand how the affair hurt me, how to recovery, how to love me, the pain went away.

      Bonzo – Hi, that is a good thing your husband has been forthcoming with information. You are so honest in sharing your feelings around the affair. I remember thinking the same thing around understanding the sex part, but not the rest. I think as women we get that our husbands are sexual beings. But being ‘friends’ with another women, that is hurtful. Not saying having sex isn’t hurtful, but having sex and being friends, sharing daily thoughts ect. takes the hurt to another level. You mention that both of you have started to communicate in a way that has not happened in the past, which is a very good sign, most couples that survive infidelity say the same thing. You mention having visions of them being together, I had the same thing, I think that is common, I had the same thing. Just be careful with talking to the OW, usually the outcome is not a positive one and it is hard to decipher if they are being truthful or not because they have nothing to lose in a sense. Take care!

  • tired December 7, 2013, 8:29 PM

    This tuesday i told my husband ether u leave or i leave. h esaid he would not leave because he never did any thing and this is his house. 9even though i have always paid half of the mortgage..and me more because he took a second and i ave been paying it for the last six years… since then i have not spoken to him..he has tried but i want to remove myself from him… i want to learn how to love me but i can’t if he stays and ttys to talk to me…i hate him no matter how much i loved him…i hate him more know..he tells my daughter things will be okay when they will not be… for 27 years i tried to stay for my daugters and today i proved it was for the best …my daughters and i sat down and they told me their feelings which made me glad…i just can’t stay with a man that does not value me… net to him i feel disgusted …told he tried to touch me and i left his side…oh.. he also changed his password on his phone..

  • Caewyn December 13, 2013, 2:26 AM

    Wow! I had no idea everything I am feeling, after finding out my husband had an affair after 20 yrs of marriage, is pretty normal. The pain, the disbelief, the constant crying. The loss of dignity and self respect as well as the hurt of feeling so utterly stupid because I bought into all the lies. It has only been 3 weeks since I found out and each one of the last 21 days has been a struggle. A struggle to sleep at night, a struggle to wake up in the morning, a struggle to get dressed, a struggle to interact with others. My husband wants to end the marriage. At first I was begging him to love me. To stay and work things out. I felt foolish a couple of days ago and thought I needed this man like a hole in the head. I am still struggling, I have a huge headache, I feel like I cannot breath, and I am finding day to day tasks difficult. But I will not beg anyone to love me.

    • Jewels December 23, 2013, 8:40 AM

      Hi Katie,

      I hope you are doing better. Thank you for your comment. That is exactly why I created the site, because I felt like I was going crazy and I was the only one feeling that way.

      Katie, I know this might be tough to hear, but if he is saying he wants to end it, that is so much better than him saying he wants to stay together and then keep cheating behind your back. I know it’s a tough pill to swallow because the level of betrayal is so deep. We often tie our identities to the marriage, so the next year will be a challenge for you in many ways. But you would not of received this challenge in your life unless you are fully equipped to handle it. Stay strong my friend.

  • nica December 28, 2013, 12:00 PM

    Hello ladies. Last dec 26 i faced my fears. After many years of hiding from the truth, i said to myself i will show my husband that i know he is cheating. After tracking him down from a motel, i waited outside waiting for them, then finally they came out…i was there. The woman ran off, although i cant really help myself i shouted things that aren’t appropriate. My husband, came after me explaining…still all lies!! For i know the truth ever since he started cheating.
    The worst part…the situation turned around. Now its my fault he cheated! I drove home fast after what happened. He came in minutes after, taking clothes he wanted to leave. I saw his mobile phone tried to read messages..wow! It seems like they still want to continue the affair after i have discovered it, its just-that the OW is scared of what i can do after i threatened her. He grab his phone from me then it became tag of war. Although he didn’t hurt me, out of my anger i have hurt him. Then i asked about the text he just said that the woman insisted to continue,
    Then blaming all again in me. Worst part again..i don’t know what happened it just came out of me that i asked him to stay and worked it out. He was furious that i took the number of the ow, he said i just makin it worst. Also he s so mad at me that i told his father about what happened, i only did it so his father could guide us.
    I offer that no one will leave the house..that i will do my best to continue our lives.
    3 days now, i felt i cant do it anymore..i also see the scenario of them leaving the motel i cried. He is not talking to me nor had said sorry. Not making any effort and still blaming me of his infidelity. He’s issues about me was still about me and my friends and things I have donewhilewewere in colleges.

    • Jewels January 2, 2014, 10:53 PM

      Hi Nica,

      Seems like you have been holding this secret of knowing about his affair for a while. I will tell you his respond is very very common. Most men when caught try to turn it around on us. Make it seem like we are to blame for everything. It’s just a technique they use to get the conversation off of their own lies and turn it around on you instead of facing the issue at hand – cheating. My ex-husband did the same thing as far as bring something up years ago to imply that I was cheating believe it. His anger at you is really him projecting his anger at himself. Once the heat settles down I hope you will be or something. Was no where close to actually cheating but he brought that up as to say I did my dirt as well. Don’t in a position to talk together and get an understanding of what is next concerning the relationship. Take care….

  • Wrong husband February 6, 2014, 10:19 AM

    I just wanted some thoughts from the ladies here. My wife and I have been married for 14 years and together for 16. I am a pilot and travel for work. I have resisted many opportunities and been faithful. However, About a month ago I made for the first time the horrible mistake of a one night stand with a woman I have never seen. She was about my age, and initiated contact with me, buying drinks, etc. I never should have let her up to the hotel room, but I did. After she left, I felt horrible. I knew what had happened was wrong. After two weeks in a personal hell, I told my wife. I told her because I knew I could not look her in the eyes and make love to her again knowing thins, and I could NOT put her at risk for STD, I value her too much. We are now working it out, she agrees this was a failure on my part and not a constant pattern. I have not put her at risk, nor will I. I will get fully tested in two more months, and we are using condoms. She has decided though, that even with a clean bill of health, she wants condoms for a year. What are your thoughts? Sorry about putting this in two spots.

    • Jewels February 7, 2014, 7:05 AM

      Hi Wrong Husband,

      Thanks for sharing. It seems like you had a slip in letting temptation get the best of you with another woman. Sometimes women can be very seductive as you have found out in this situation. The two good things out of this situation is that you did not keep in touch with her or continue this behavior (one night stand), and that you actually felt horrible for what you did, not wanting to put her at risk. Those are really good signs, because many men that cheat pound in their head that they are entitled to this behavior.

      As far as your wife, please understand, as you can tell from this site, that she is grieving, and feeling pain. I know this might be a little blunt but your penis was her private goods, as women we pride ourselves on being the only women gives our husband pleasure. So now she is confused, and is trying to comprehend how you could not use a condom. I was so enraged when I found out my husband did not use protection, but now, after hearing from many men in the situation, I have come to realize that it is more common behavior than I once imagined. But again, your wife is coming from the perspective of thinking that she knew that you would never do this.

      Now, let’s get to your question. Her reaction to condoms for a year seems like a way to ‘protect’ herself. Now that you have done this she is questioning if she can trust you again. She is hurt right now. I know from your perspective you are probably saying ‘A year, geez’. But from her, it’s a way to in some way try to even out what has been done. She could of said let me have sex with someone else to even it out, but she knows that would not be right, so saying condoms for a year seems ok. Having sex outside the marriage is a serious violation, and she is probably thinking if I take you back without any serious ramifications on your side, what would prevent you from doing it again? If you cheat, and all that happens is put a condom on for a month while you get tested, next time around, some men (not saying you would do this) would think, I can slip up again, the ramifications are not that bad. Condoms for a year is her way of saying, do you really want to be with me? Am I worth the sacrifice of comdoms for a year to you? I wouldn’t fight her on it that much at this point, because she is probably going to take pushback as ‘you will not do this sacrifice for me?’. But if you feel yourself itching for more desire or having desires for other women because the condom just isn’t doing it for you – tell your wife how you feel. Also, you never know, if you both work hard on the marriage and get back into a good state, she may ease up for a husband who is doing everything right to make the situation better. Good luck to you and the marriage!

  • Wrong husband February 7, 2014, 2:39 PM

    Thanks for your thoughtful and considerate reply. In a strange way, we have talked and connected more than we have in a long time, she even talked a little about chatting a lot with an old guy friend from many years back, and we both agree we have let outside influences creep in. We both know we love each other very much, and want very much repair the damage. One thing she did tell me is that in her previous marriage( this is her second, my first) she said she had some one -nighters, and that she was on the other side of the couch once. Although to her credit she never did it in this one and never figured i would either. I wish I could tell a lot of other guys that this is not worth it, I have almost lost everything that really mattered. Like any good leader, I do not take all the blame, but I do accept full responsibility. She said my loving her and respecting her enought to not lie and put her at risk was crucial in her making up her mind to stay. I think we can endure. I told her what you had to say and she said she was pretty much in agreement about the consequences and deterrent part, as well as she wants the psychological barrier for a while even aft the physical isn’t required. I told her I understood and I told her I will give her the year. Thanks again

    • Jewels February 9, 2014, 11:55 PM

      Wrong Husband,

      That is such a good sign that you can connected more than you have in the past. I am sure you saw that theme stated in the positive recovery stories section of the site. Anytime I hear that a couple is talking and that they are talking more and getting closer than they have in years, that is a good sign. You’re welcome, and I wish the both you and your wife a great recovery from this situation.

  • Sylvia April 8, 2014, 2:07 AM

    I know I haven’t been here in a while… Made the most shocking, saddening realization recently. I feel like my husband isn’t “mine” anymore… like he’s really someone else’s “mate”… And I’m just the girl getting in the way. I keep thinking, there’s no way someone who looks that good, who is so charming, could want to be with me. I fell in love with him because of our similar health struggles – but when I look at him as a girl scoping out “cute guys”, well, he’s out of my league. He’s one of those guys I always thought belonged with a hotter girl, a girl who has everything together. I don’t know… I’m fearing that it’s only a matter of time before he meets that girl who matches him better, and I’m left in the cold again. After all, he’s cheated before… what’s to stop him from doing it again? Sorry… Just a sad, sad thought that I’ve been thinking about lately. Don’t know how to heal it.

    • Jewels April 8, 2014, 10:53 PM

      Hi Sylvia,

      My heart goes out to you. Many women think that the husband cheats because of looks, and that is almost never the case. He choose you to marry, remember that. Yes he cheated, but he married you. I sense that you have a similar problem that I had in which I wrapped my entire self-worth into my husband. I was pretty because he choose me. So when he cheated, I felt like nothing, like a failure. I would think ‘Man, did I actually thing someone could really love me?’ But I thought that way because I didn’t have the self-confidence to believe that I was beautiful. I have since worked on building my confidence, after the affair, I told myself never again will my self-esteem be managed by another person, I will build my own self-worth from within, and any outside force is extra. And I promise you Sylvia, that is the best route. I could meet the man of my dreams tomorrow, and if he ends up cheating, I will probably be upset, but not devastated, because no one will be able to take away my self-worth. I built that myself and I believe in myself. You can do the same thing. It starts with focusing on Sylvia, and learning to believe in your beauty, your intellect, your grace, outside of any other person. He cheated – his loss, and you have to look at it that way. He might lose the best thing that ever happened to him. If he cheats again, have the confidence to know you are too good of a woman to continue to be mistreated instead of thinking ‘well, I knew it was going to happen because I am not as pretty as the other ladies’. Just a shift of thinking is all that is needed. And it al starts with you. Hugs to you, take care!

  • Myranda April 16, 2014, 9:41 PM

    I have been with my husband for 20 years and married coming up 10 years in July. Recently we have been having some issues but nothing to the extent to where I thought he would ever have an affair. It’s been a little over a week since I found out. He was sleeping in the other room giving me excuses to it being his snoring and he didn’t want to keep me up. Also I was noticing him texting a lot more and smiling at this phone. I had a gut feeling, but had asked if there was another women bc he had talked about separating a few weeks before. He said he felt stuck and was depressed everything he came home. I actually felt sad for him. The night I caught him was the worst night of my life. I walked to the room he was in and I heard him talking on the phone, laughing. I heard the ow talking too. My heart started pounding so fast and so hard I thought it was going to explode. I felt dizzy and out of breath. I fell to the ground and continued to listen. He told her he loved and missed her. He talked about her lips. I was so devastated and felt so deceived. After about 45mins I got some strength open the door and catch him. He jumped and I called him a lying cheating bastard as I through my ring at him. He still had her on speaker phone and said, “what does it matter”. Sadly my daughters over heard 14 and 8. My oldest came running in the room yelling at him and crying hysterically. He just laid there and said sorry, but he was not sorry. I went back into my bedroom with my oldest daughter and as she cried in my lap I stared into the distance in shock and disbelief. How, why, when? I was overwhelmed with so many thoughts and feelings I just became numb. He came and stood in the door way and just stared. He said sorry again, but his body language was different. That night both my girls slept with me and I laid awake in disbelief. Over the next few days I avoided him in the mornings and in the evenings stayed in bed. I have lost interest in everything that kept me whole. I have lost 7 pounds and countless nights of sleeping. One night I got up and heard him talk to her again. I listen once again and it seems so unreal. Why would he do this to me before letting me go. How could he end our relationship this way. That night I left and slept in my car ( a whole 2 hrs) or sleep I got that night. I stayed away for several more hours trying to comprehend the situation. How was I going to deal with this? I have had one good day where I felt better and he seemed happy to have me normal but then it didn’t take long for the emotions to hit me once again. I cry every morning and every night. I have some days where I share my feelings with him. He listens but is ready to move on and with her…the ow is married as well. It tears he apart everyday thinking of him betraying me as he did. Ruining our special bond i thought we had. I have not been able to look him in the eyes. It’s too hard. It hurts so much. The worst pain I have ever felt. I plan on moving back to our home state, Washington and bringing the kids. He try’s to tell me that he loves me but is just not in love with me and I can understand people grow apart but give me a heads up please! It is hard for me to believe he loves me when he does something like this. He try’s to comfort me by holding me. That took a while to let that happen because it hurts to have him so close, I still love him and would never think about doing such a thing to him. He was trying to be intimate with me and as much I wanted his touch I needed to stay strong for my self and say no. I did not want him thinking it was ok to use me for his own emotions. Today I broke down again this morning and he seemed irritated. He told me I needed to get up and start thinking of other things. It’s just not that easy. My pain is so unbearable and the thoughts that run through my mind are so confusing. He still talks and text her and I can’t even imagine what he is telling her about me and my breakdown. I just want to leave already, move away where I do not have to see him any longer. I want my sadness to turn into anger. I am so done feeling so lonely, empty, and depressed. I have also found out who she is and I want to message her letting her know what I think of her. I want her husband to know as well because it is also not fair to him. Why should I be the only one who suffers? She needs to get what is coming to her. Although I blame my husband because he could have said no, I do blame her as well for leading him on knowing he was married. Life is so hard right now and I just want to wake up happy once again.

    • Jewels April 18, 2014, 4:19 PM

      Hi Myranda,

      My heart goes out to you. I so remember being where you are. And trust me when I say you will not feel like this forever. There was one point where I was really fearful that I would never be happy again, I just couldn’t feel good anymore because the level of betrayal was so deep. But I never imagined that out of this experience I gained a confidence and strength that I never knew I had. It is a time for new beginnings. Be easy on yourself. Be easy on yourself. I wish someone would of told me that at the time, because I was so sad and hard on myself. The first step in feeling better is to focus inward, don’t worry about what he is doing. Your focus should be on getting Myranda to a better state. If you can afford a personal therapist, get one. If your husband can watch the kids one night so you can get a breather – do it. One of the best things I did once I knew my marriage was over was ask my ex-husband to watch the kids while I do something for me. There were so many emotions in my head I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t sleep as well, and would wake up with night sweats when I did. But in those times where it was just me and my emotions, I would pick one, and question it, why do I feel this way? Why am I so sad? Why am I so mad? One emotion at a time, and eventually, I started to heal. This process is one that you can’t rush, it will be hard at times but you will get through it, just as I did.

  • Myranda April 20, 2014, 2:21 PM

    Jewels

    Thanks for the response back. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions and one day I feel ok and the next I am having a anxiety attack or crying so hard it’s hard to catch my breath. This week he left with the kids back to our home state where we moved from 9 months ago. I did not want to see the family and tell them what is going on BC I will be moving back with the girls in July anyways and it’s hard to face it right now and talk about it with his family. Plus I did not want to be beside him for 5 days pretending everything is ok. I also wanted my girls to enjoy their vacation and not worry about me being sad all the time. They have been a wonderful support.

    I had found out 2 days before they left that my husband had took a whole week off from work and flew over 1000 miles to spend time with the OW. That added so much more to the overwhelming emotions I was dealing with. He say’s hes sorry and said he wished he could take it all back but I do not take any of that serious. He even tried to have sex with me twice and I knew I was better then to let him have me. He threw it all away and now he has to live with it. He is a smart man…so I thought and never thought he would be such a coward and stoop so low. I also found out who this women is and I am temped to message her and let her know how I feel about the whole situation and what I think of her. I also found her husband too and wish to let him know what his wife has been up too. Why should I be the only one suffering? I do not want her to get away with it and come out happy. I deserve the happiness if anything. I know I am upset right now and I have been trying to wrap my head around it all.

    I will only have to see my husband for 20 more days before he leaves out of state for work and then he will help us move in July. What hurts too is his texts. I try to ignore most of them because I do not have to reply to any of them any more and do not want to give this the sanctification of my reply, but he acts as if he cares and sends me little messages about how he misses me so much and wish he could change it all, but then the next min he has this, what ever attitude. He knows I still have a soft spot and he messes with it. He text me things that make me respond back nice and that is enough to make him feel better. Now he try’s to give me crap for not responding, saying, I am too busy for him. I am truly done with these games. It is just so hard with this whole waiting time frame. I know no one is perfect, but I was pretty close to a perfect wife and he thew it all way for a whore. He will regret it when he realizes no one wants to put up with his pissy attitude. It’s just that I put my whole life into this man and it was so easy for him to gave it all up so fast. It shocks me and it is baffling.

  • Sylvia April 22, 2014, 12:28 PM

    Thank you so much, Jewels. I’m trying to find myself outside of him and to rebuild my self-worth, so that if he cheats again, it will be his loss. It was his loss the other times too – I was giving him my very best the first time he did it. He threw it away, and I shouldn’t blame my best as being not good enough. Thank you for your kind words and encouraging me. 🙂

    Myranda, you sound like you are making all the right decisions, even though he is putting you through hell. You’re not letting him take advantage of you, and even though you might not feel like it, that is SO STRONG. It sounds like you’re trying to decide whether to tell her husband or not – I think it might be a good idea to tell him. That way, he can know the truth about his marriage and make informed decisions about what he needs. He might already have an idea, but his wife is lying to him and distorting his reality.

    You are a strong, incredible woman, and your husband really is losing out.

    • Jewels April 25, 2014, 12:22 AM

      Myranda/Sylvia

      Myranda,

      I am glad you did not go and have to pretend, doing that is so difficult. Those text messages, trips, and images will haunt you for a while. Keep in mind cheaters often play games. They will text the other woman whatever he thinks they want to hear, as long as he thinks she will have sex with him. So if you see texts like ‘I miss you’ ‘you look great’, it’s mostly all part of the game. I was devastated by my ex-husband’s texts, but when I created the site and realized all cheaters texts the same thing, I did not take those messages as seriously as I once did before. All part of the game. I am glad you have a good game plan for yourself, that is the good thing! Take care.

      Sylvia,

      You’re welcome, anytime!

  • Just us May 25, 2014, 2:36 PM

    Finding out your husband has had a longterm affair stuns you. It takes your breath away. I literally could not breathe. I found this site about 4 mos after hearing the worst news of my life. What do you do? I am so glad to see I am not alone. I can say exactly how I feel. When you never ever thought your partner would do this you discover not only did he cheat he did it for years. Talk about triggers they are everywhere. We started therapy ASAP. My anger is still destructive I cry daily and I wonder will we get through it. I hope we can repair and rebuild but who knows.

    • Jewels May 29, 2014, 6:05 AM

      Hi Just us,

      I am glad you feel comfortable in sharing your feelings on the site. When you found out your husband has been cheating for years, that is psychological trauma and should not be taken lightly. Hang in there, I know you mentioned you started therapy. If you haven’t started individual therapy, that might be beneficial for you as well. Take care.

  • tired usa June 6, 2014, 11:50 PM

    its been well over 5 months since I’ve ben here..yesterday my daughter graduated from high school and she is leaving to dorm at a university…i have gone through so much that i think my relationship..(what ever is left with my husband is over) i have said i have stayed for my daughter and know there is no holding back i want to live my last couple of years happy and if not happy at least not miserable ..but comfortable ..i guess the pain of leaving will fade just like his infidelity…which he never apologized for….its been hard but with the praise of god i will continue..

    • Jewels July 20, 2014, 6:33 PM

      Hi Tired usa,

      Congrats on your daughter graduating high school, you should be very proud. At the same time, when a child leaves the home it is such a game changer as far as the relationship. Use this new period as a period of discovery for you. A period to find out what you really want. Don’t go into this new phase with an expectation to stay or leave the marriage, just go into with the goal of exploring you. It’s typically always about everyone else and as women we often don’t look at what we want. It seems like the marriage is just there. The pain, the hurt has left you feeling with little emotion. That is ok. What would be ideal is if you can focus on you, and then once you build up yourself and your confidence, you will be able to look at your situation with the right lens. Let me know if you need any ideas around this. Take care.

  • JB June 24, 2014, 11:55 PM

    I think I posted this on the wrong page, so I’m re-posting it here.
    It’s wonderful to read so many recovery stories from all the men and women here on this forum. I think it takes courage to share what you’ve been through, however things turned out or are developing.
    I hope in the future I have a success story to put on here but right now I am at a crossroads and I’m not sure what to do. Two months ago I found out that for 2 years my husband had been having an on-again off-again affair with a woman in another country where he worked several months out of the year. Apparently she told him to ‘decide’ about 6 months ago and he said he couldn’t and she shouldn’t wait for him. According to him they hadn’t spoken during the 6 months until we were going to go to the country where she lives together (I had set up a job for him there) and she said she would wait for him. He made the decision not to see her but I know that she wrote to him–I have no idea if he wrote back.
    Now the situation is that we are in counceling–he says that he can’t decide right now. He even called her to let her know what is going on and again he said that he couldn’t decide and she shouldn’t wait for him. He knows he loves her because he has been in pain to be away from here these 6 months and he knows he loves me–he says I’m the most important person in his life (hard to believe if he won’t leave her) but since he has feelings for her he feels jumping back in with me before he ‘figures out what the other woman means to him’ would be a mistake. He says he needs time to decide if he wants to be with her, me or alone. Apparently they aren’t speaking and it really does look like I have the upper hand, as it appears that his primary relationship is far more important to him. He says they aren’t talking and he isn’t pursuing a relationship with her but with me he is asking that we hang out and see if we can rebuild anything. I told him that it will be hard and nearly impossible