Today, I want to write about the topic that is very close to many women who read this blog, and that is the topic of choosing to stay with your cheating husband after you found out about the affair. Now there is no such thing as staying in the marriage or leaving, there are several different types of ‘staying’ and ‘leaving’ that I won’t get into because it’s too much to write in one post. The truth is, some women stay, and some women leave, and your recovery after the affair isn’t about staying or leaving, it’s about your attitude towards staying or leaving. If you end up staying with your husband, that is fine. Many women have this ingrained philosophy that if you stay after your husband cheats, then you are one pitiful weak woman – nothing could be further from the truth. It takes an incredibly strong woman to stay married after her husband has cheated, to endure the constant triggers, to still be the wife, the mother, and keep the family together. It’s hard to do that, but many of you do it. Now if you stay with the attitude that you are one strong woman who stayed and are working with your husband to rebuild the marriage – great! But if you stay because you feel trapped, you will suffer mentally and staying will tear you down bit by bit. I hear from a lot of women telling me they stayed (for various reasons), but they don’t feel like that they are that strong confident woman anymore. If you feel this way, it’s time to re-evaluate the situation. No woman should live feeling less confident, less worthy, etc. Maybe you should take a day or two off from being a mother, a wife, a businesswomen, and just be alone and think about your emotions and thoughts. I think you will be surprised at what comes to the surface. At the end of the day, if you stay married, great, but try not to compromise the strong confident woman that is inside of you. If you leave, great, but don’t compromise the strong confident woman that is inside of you. Why?? Because the world needs you. Have a good night.
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I am so upset right now! And I wonder if I’ll ever get past this feeling. The pain of betrayal, after I have stood by this man? The lies! The lies! Makes me wonder what else in my marriage is a lie. The worst thing is that he is not remorseful. In all that happened 2 days ago all he could say is that I shouldn’t have been checking his mails. He is unapologetic and I ask myself why on earth am I going to stay on in this marriage?
I’ve only been married for two years and wonder if all he will do is not just become worse. All I can do now is focus on my life and start moving on, and stop weaving my life around him as I have done in the past.
I’m too upset to type anything meaningful right now will repost something when I’m in a better place. As you’ve said need to take time out to sort my thoughts.
Hello Nicky,
Just from the few lines that you typed, your husband sounds like my husband. My husband was very unapologetic as well (especially at first), it was painful to watch him put this whole thing on me (like the line your husband used about not you shouldn’t of been checking emails…my husband said something very similar). The next few months will be tough as you sort out your feelings. Because your husband might have some of the same actions as mine, I think you would benefit from my free ebook, which can be found on the left hand side of this website. I think it will help. Take care of yourself.
P.S. – Yes, the worst thing is when they don’t act remorseful. I was going through so much emotionally, this is the time where your suppose to be crying and begging for forgiveness, and instead you blame me, act like I deserved this, and carry on as if this is not a big deal?? Grr….I now realize that most men don’t act remorseful because they are scared out of their mind about what’s to come and they just don’t know what to say or do, but it still doesn’t hurt any less…….
I can understand your uncertainty in getting past the feelings of betrayal. I just caught my husband of 30 years cheating….He took a business trip and came back with herpes….Infected me. I figured the whole mess out when I realized the symptoms I was having were not a reaction to new laundry detergent or something else. I found the pills a physician had prescribe to treat his disease. When I confronted him he told me he was waiting to tell me when he got his test results back….I threw him out and went to the doctor and I did indeed have herpes now. I too have woven my life around my husband, raised three children and pretty much walked away from all my friends to keep up with my children and husband’s interests. I am a professional woman with many contacts in the community and I am well respected. The thought of being without the man I really love is very hard, BUT anyone that knowingly infects another with a disease and uses the lame excuse they were waiting for the confirmation of the diagnosis is mentally off. I have told him I will consider working things out right after he seeks some major counseling…..he thought I should help arrange it. I told him to grow some and figure it out for himself. I will not wait forever, but now that I have the permanent reminder of his infidelity burning in my body I don’t know how I will ever forgive him completely. Our children know as well and they are crushed. Sorry this was a me too
Adele,
Sorry to hear about your story. It really hurts when you weave your entire life around someone that hurts you so much and betrays you mentality, emotionally, and physically. It would be so much easier if the you were wronged by someone that you didn’t give your entire life over to. As far as your husband, I really don’t feel good about him knowing enough about his situation far enough into it to get a prescription and have you find out the way you did. I am so glad that you told him to get counseling – on his own – I agree with you. I told my husband he needed help as well, and he made it seem like I was the one with the issue. I told him I wanted him to drive fixing this because he put us in this situation, but fortunately/unfortunately, he never stepped up and I left. We typically do everything else in the marriage, him getting help and helping to fix this major problem in the marriage is such a key sign in my opinion. If they actually step up, it’s a good sign. If they don’t – you know what you have to do. I am sure your kids are crushed. This is what affairs do, the cause pain to everyone involved. Please keep in touch and let me know how your doing.
Jewels
I just read the part where you asked your husband to drive since he took the situation to that point.. i as well have asked repeatedely for my Husband to go with me to counseling or for him to go by himself and he still refuses… I have filed for legal seperation as im not sure really yet what i want but I do know that I will not stay with this man no matter how much i love him, if he doesnt want to better himself and our marriage. You did leave, and really how did u do it? did you just pack up? did you pack him up? my counslor is telling me to “sit on this” and see what plays out as this is the time where things will or will not work… but I am at my wits end with this. i need solidification either way of what to do…
Hello Kelli,
Him not driving is not a good sign as far as recovery. This situation is so traumatic, it takes two fully committed people to make it work. My husband was just like yours so hear is what I did. I decided to stop focusing all of my energy on the marriage, and started focusing my energy towards, my plan to leave, my recovery, and the kids. I stopped focusing on the marriage because no matter what I do, I can’t force him to care enough to work through it. He noticed a changed and was curious. You know what he thought (and still thinks to this day) – he accused me of cheating. Yes I was cheating – cheating with myself, and I loved it. I stopped getting angry, I stopped begging him to read this or go to counseling or listen to me. My encounters with him were at a minimal, because being around him would leave me confused, angry, or depressed. I used that engery to read books about getting self confidence (it’s so low after the affair). I read books about how to help your kids through a separation so that I would be prepared (you should do the same, your 3.5 year old will ask questions if you move out or vice versa. I thought about what I wanted to do with my life. I asked my husband to watch the kids once a week so that I can take a breather. It was all about me. I told him I think 6 months before I moved out that I was moving out, so that he could prepare. I wanted this separation to be a good one. I mourned the lost of the marriage, and then I moved forward. There were times where I thought what have I done to my kids. Or how will I live financially on my own? Or will I now be alone for the rest of my life, who would want me with two young kids? But I kept pushing through those questions to a more positive place. When I thought – how would I live on my own, I said, there are tons on moms that do it everyday. When I thought will someone every want me – I found tons of examples of people that re-marry. When I thought that I messed up my kids by leaving the marriage, I immediate think my kids would be worse off being raised by a miserable mom that gets disrespected and feeling stuck in her marriage than being with a mom that is empowered, even if she is divorced. (Not saying women that stay get disrespected and feel stuck, that is just the way that I personally felt). I forced myself to look at the positive. And you know what, I am on my own, have my own place, I am not dating by choice because I am still married and I refuse to go there. But even if I wasn’t marriage, I am at a place where I love being me and by myself, I am ok with that. You have to get to that place as well. Once you get to that place, you will fast forward your recovery.
**Mind you, I had to save up to leave, so I stayed with him for months before leaving. But during that time, I wasn’t miserable because of the mindset I was in.
I hope this helps, best of luck Kelli, it’s a hard journey, but if you focus on yourself you will come out on top.
Hi, Im reading this blog and like many women who have came across this, it may be close to a personal situation they are in. For myself, I decided to stay with my husband with the confidence of a strong woman..the first time..but when a husband keeps cheating what do you do then?? In my case, I tried and I tried for 5 years and after so much trying and such repetitive outcomes, you do tend to feel less confident and less worthy. I felt like I am not worthy of his love and faithfullness and I often blamed myself, but after the last time of him cheating, I got the strength to realize it is nothing a woman does when her husband keeps cheating. I believe they have a problem if they honestly continue to do it over and over. And theres only so much any person could take. No woman should feel like a fool for trying to make their marriage last no matter how many times they may get played in the situation. It is difficult to even think about being with another person and trusting another man. To be quite honest, Ive lost hope in the whole “There are good men out there” Im sure there are but they are probably taken.
Hello Nato,
Don’t blame yourself, the only thing you did was love your husband to the fullest. But you know it’s time to leave when he does it repeatedly. When he does it more than once, HE has a serious problem. And most women end up feeling horrible. You have to treat your feelings and emotions as the most sacred and important emotions in the world. And when you don’t feel good about yourself in the presence of your husband on a consistent basis, then it’s time to re-evaluate your life. I know this blog makes it seem that there are no good men out there, but I think there are. I can’t even imagine dating as well. I will one day, but next time it will be all on my terms. I will be my true self, and not let anyone direct me on a path that I don’t want. You’re right, you can be the perfect woman, and if he thinks he can get away with cheating, some men will just do it. They will try to blame you, but that is there own insecurities, you can’t make no one cheat – period. You will find someone again, but you have to believe in finding someone again for it to happen, and I know it’s hard considering the circumstances. I wish you the best in your personal recovery.
My husband has cheated on me with his kids mother. I have caught him twice now and I hate that it’s with someone like her. She’s the mother of his kids and will ALWAYS be there. I want to stay in my marriage, but how do I get over the fact that this is likly to happen again. I’ve been with my husband for the last 12yrs and have been married for 4. When we got married that’s when his ex started her campaign of “I want him back”.
Hello Jennifer,
You are right, the fact that he is cheating with the kids mother is difficult because every time he goes to get the kids, you are going to get that pit in your stomach wondering if they are doing something. Now you are probably not going to like what I have to say, and of course it is only my opinion, but the fact that you caught him twice is not good. It is already tough enough to survive cheating 1 time, twice?? Very difficult. So you get over the fact that this could happen again by realizing that this could happen again. I know that I stayed in my marriage because I didn’t want the OW to win. But finally I had to realize that if I left the marriage, my husband is going to lose. There is a reason that he left the kids mother, those reason’s didn’t disappear, they are just not as obvious right now. If you really want the marriage to survive, your husband has to step up big time and prove that he will not do this again. How can he do that? Give you access to his phone/email (not for you to check everyday, but occasionally), go to counseling together, work hard to understand how this impacted you and be open to helping you. If he is not willing to do all three things (yes I am tough on him because he did this twice already), you are going to be fighting for your marriage alone, which I don’t recommend
. Take Care.
Jewels thanks for your responds. My husband and I talked this morning and I had to confess that the first two times I never really FORGAVE him and he knew it. I was always going threw his mail/email and reading his text messages when he wasn’t around. I DON’T want to live like that ANYMORE!! How can I begain the healing process when I’m not really trying to heal? Someone had written about the “other relationship” beginning fake and only fantasy. If you have to sneak around and lie what’s real about that. The two f’s won’t pay the bills, keep food in the house or a roof over your head. I really don’t know where we’re going from here, but I know I’ll be okay either way(if he stays or leave)because I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me when we talked this morning. Please don’t read this thinking I’m letting him off the hook and he’s the victim, but I had to look at myself first. How can anyone make a cake without the eggs? I said I forgave him when I really didn’t. He choose me not her. Like you said she’s his ex for a reason. I’m glad you started this blog because it has really HELPED me!!!
Great news Jennifer. I don’t think you are letting him off the hook, I think for the first time you realized that you have some growing area’s from a relationship standpoint. And that is a huge milestone that I don’t talk about that much, but when you get to the point where you can realize your own faults in the relationship without downing yourself or cutting through your self-esteem, or blaming yourself for the affair – that is a huge personal recovery milestone! You and your husband have alot of work to rebuild your marriage, and I really wish you the best, whatever you decide to do. I am glad the site helped!!
-Jewels
I just found out that my husband has been having an affair with a truly “trash” girl from work. I found out by accident with an email on his phone when I came home from work last Thursday. I’ve never hurt so much, except with the loss of my dad. We had a strong relationship and friendship, never thought this would happen to me, but here I am.
We went to a counselor today to see if it is savable… well, she had said that it is or he wouldn’t be sitting here today. Yes, the mistress took feelings but she didn’t take them all. In that session, my husband denies it was a sexual relationship, it was only emotional. I’ve been with him since 1983 and I had hunches over the year and he even said that I was right when I asked him.
Let me ask everyone out there…. He’s been involved since May of 2010… He cosigned for a $10,000 credit card for her, gave her earrings for her birthday (I got nothing but a card), and he says that he gave her about $1,000 in cash. He felt so guilty that he called the relationship over back in November, but it rekindled in March of this year. He said we were having fun again and that he needed to end the relationship.
My Question…. no sex? Really, do you think I’m that stupid…
Hello,
You know your husband best, so it’s hard to tell if what he is saying is true. But from the outside looking in (so take it with a grain of salt), most men don’t cosign for a 10,000 credit card for an ‘emotional’ relationship. I feel he is doing what most men do in this situation, which is deny deny deny. Yes, the pain of finding out an affair is a gut wrenching pain, cuts to the core of your being, unfortunately women are experiencing this everyday, so don’t feel you are alone. That is good that you started counseling, it’s a first step. Healing the trust is the biggest factor as to whether or not a marriage will survive. First you have to see if he is really committed to making things work, which might include doing things he is not use to. Then you have to see if he has action behind it. Marriage after the affair can be repaired, but it takes a great deal of effort on both parties, it can be just you trying and he just sits in for the ride. You mentioned something about him saying he was ‘having fun’ with her. That really gets to me, because if we had nothing more in life to do but cater to our husbands, boy we would be fun as hell!! That is what the OW does, just sits there and has sex and fun with him. Meanwhile, we have to clean the house, deal with kids, cook, pay bills, etc. No that’s not fun and yes we are tired sometimes, but that is the marriage life, it’s not fun all the time, and just because it’s not fun all the time doesn’t give you a ‘cheat for free’ card. Marriage is hard work but the reward is much more than a short-term fun time. Ah…I wish I could really get in the heads of our husbands and tell them this….I wish you best of luck with your recovery!
I recently found out my husband is having an affair. He got in contact with his high school sweetheart in January of this year. It wasn’t physical because we live in different states. In April we were visiting family and after many promises to me that he wouldn’t sleep with her I found out that he did. I am so confused as to if I should stay or if I should leave. I don’t know. Right now I can’t leave. Mostly financially and he’s telling me that he still loves me and he’s not planning on leaving anywhere. We even have our days like nothing happened. But he says he can’t let her go that he loves her too. They call and text each other all the time even in front of me before. Now after a few big fights he doesn’t talk or text to her in front of me. I feel stuck and trapped plus we just adopted a baby. It was finalized in June. It’s like he’s still cheating.
Hello Tanya, sorry to hear about your situation. From what I am reading, he is still seeing her, but you can leave because of finances. I was in the same boat. I stopped focusing on my husband, and all his craziness with this other woman. I started focusing on me and how the heck I would leave considering my money situation (I don’t have any family close). I told myself everyday even though I couldn’t see it for myself that I will leave and find a stable place to leave, and I will come out of this experience stronger and wiser than ever before. I started to save little by little, it took me a year, but eventually I was in the position to leave. Now I will be the first to tell you it wasn’t easy, I took a financial hit big time, but my happiness and peace of mind grew. I had a small child as well, and I was scared of raising a child alone, but during that period that I was ‘trying to figure out’ how to leave, me and my husband switched responsibilities watching our kids, some days were his, some were mine. I realize after the fact that those times alone really prepared me to leave. Again during that time period, no focus on him. He was a lost cause, there was nothing I could do to get him to see the light, and I was tired of trying (Sound familiar). For you, I know you can see a way out right now, but start to tell yourself there is a way out, force yourself to think about how you can leave and eventually, resources will start to appear that you never saw before that would be willing to help.
**If you actually do this, be prepared, after things so south with the ‘other woman’ or when he actually sees that you act like you ‘don’t care’ anymore, then he will get very nervous and claim he will start to act right, but by that time, it’s typically too late. your mind is made up. Best of luck to you.
This past weekend was really HARD for me and I cried ALOT. My husband said he thought I should move out. I didn’t fight him even though my feelings were hurt and the night before we had the BEST sex we have had in a loooooooooooooooooooong time!! When we married I moved into his house. FINE, I’ll move!! Last Friday I didn’t sleep in the bed with him and on Sat I started to pack my stuff. He got so MAD!! I asked WHY!! He didn’t reply and just stomp around the house. I stopped packing and so far it seems like we are working on things. I don’t have my rings on and at first it felt really wired. That’s another story. Jewels in one of your blogs you said make “time for yourself” I did that this past weekend. It was the BEST!! I didn’t clean the house or cook anything. Me and the dog just hung out. I don’t know if my husband is playing a game or if he really wants to work things out but I’m starting to save money in case I have to move for REAL. I am proud of myself for not going threw his stuff. Like I said before I DON’T want to live like that. Snooping threw his things when he’s not around and I must confess it has not been easy!!! But I keep saying TRUST him and his ex is his ex for a reason!! I let him know that I felt like she was playing a game and I was getting played and that STOPS right NOW. She REALLY thinks I broke-up a HAPPY home that was already broken when I came into the picture a year later!! When she sent him a text, she really said that. I told him: I’m here, she’s NOT, I’m your wife, she’s NOT!! She’s not going anywhere but that doesn’t mean you have bang her!!
Hello Jennifer,
This past weekend was eventful for you. I am SO glad you made time for you. It is beneficial in so many ways. Mentally it causes you to make YOU a priority. It causes your husband to see this and eventually understand that you are not going to accept any kind of treatment, and that you are perfectly capable of being happy alone. And it also give you time to be one with your thoughts, which is probably why the crying came out. That is actually a good thing, it almost like releasing some pent up emotions.
Another major milestone is not acting on looking through his stuff all the time and that you are creating your ‘stash’ for potential move out. You seem to be doing all the right things. As far as sex, just be careful with your feelings, especially with good sex – you know sex can sometimes make everything feel so good, until the morning
Take care – I am happy to hear you are making some progress, thanks for sharing!
I found out 2 months ago my husband of 24 years has been in an affair. This affair was based on their tales of their miserable marriages, she is married with children too. I was very angry but then looked at myself and what had been our marriage lately. At first he blamed me then he admitted he never took the time to talk to me about his needs and wants in our marriage. One month later he moved out and I was devastated. Three weeks later he asked to move home, he did and on the 2nd day I questioned him on his meeting up with the other women at his gym. He became angry and left again. Two days later he showed up and has been home since. Right now things are at a stand still, we get along, we chat, we are parenting but we have not discussed where our marriage is going. We also have overseas houseguests for 2 weeks, crazy busy life. I am in therapy and on a low dose of Zoloft for situational depression and anxiety. He is dealing with anxiety and what I think is midlife crisis. I love my husband and when we are away from our home we get along great. Except for our sex life, that has stopped.
I need suggestions on how to proceed, my therapist said to be honest and let him know I want a new marriage, we need to start over and we need to talk and come up with a marital path. He does tend to stress easily and is not happy that he is now 50.
I am working on me and my self confidence. My anxiety comes from knowing I want to talk to him and right now I keep pushing that aside. I keep thinking, why is he here?
Hello Jules,
I get the feeling that you want to talk to your husband, but you don’t know how he would react? There is some fear associated with you bringing the affair up and you have to think about why that may be. There are some emotions that both of you have to get through and those emotions may include some intense conversations.
You are in what I call the ‘limbo’ stage, where you are a little ‘lifeless’ in the marriage, not knowing whether to stay or leave. You are in a tough spot because a part of you is thinking ‘is he here to save the marriage or just because things didn’t work out with her?’ but you feel uncomfortable talking to him about this. I know you mentioned that you were in therapy, is he willing to go into marriage counseling? That might help get some answers for you. I am glad you are working on you, great move. I wish you the best.
My husband of 27 years cheated on me 14 years ago. I found out 7 years ago when his sister asked me for my address so she would have a reference for her Social Security. She gave the adddress to the women that he cheated with and a few days later the The Attorney Generals office sent him a request to submitt to a DNA test. I had no clue his sister had done this. Now he denied the whole thing he saying he didin’t know who this person was acted unconcerned I made him respond to the request. He didn’t even know her real name so called. Thank goodness I made him respond or we would have had to get a lawyer to take the child support off. Because the child was not his. Know he made no objection when I said I would go with him to see who was accussing him until the morning of. He said waiting on the kids school bus was going to make him late. Now I only know of this one women by the way who was sleeping with lots of men even on their job. He met her through his cousin’s girlfriend it was her daughter. The way he startied acting when all this happened made start thinking even before everything came down on me was this the only women in question. If he didn’t know who this lady was how many were there, see my husband spent many years accusiing me of cheating. When every time there were problemss like this it was always him in question. But this time I had no doubt he keep lying saying he didn’t do anything and that another cousin who dated this women made her name him as the father. This child is a year younger than our late child and has the same birthday. i was just continually devasted. Then he told me his sister said I was no good. I sayed at home let him isolate me from everything. Kept to myself while his siter was oout sleeping with everybody in our small town. Now he is in midlife crisis and accussing me of cheating with half the men in this small town and has devastated the whole family saying I have to leave he cant’t leave with a whore and anything else you can name I have been trying to hang in there but I cant’t. I am unsure about how to go about leaving I need my job and he is makine me more miserable by the day. I have two kids left at home and I have failing eye sight and don’t know what to do.
Hello Ann,
Two red flags with your story that I want you to focus on. Him accusing you of cheating is a big red flag for me. That is a sign that he is projecting his own insecurities onto you, my husband did the same thing big time. And I wasted so much of my life trying to prove to him that I wasn’t cheating, that I isolated myself, which is the second red flag in your story, that you let him isolate you from everything. Here is the good news, we have the power to change our circumstances. Just because you let him isolate you in the past, doesn’t mean he can continue to do so. As far as him constantly accusing you, now that you know that he is just projecting his own shame for cheating (seriously, your husband accusing you of cheating is probably in the top 3 of every book on how to tell if your husband is cheating). So now that you know the game he is playing, don’t play back. If he accuses you, don’t let it get to you, just secretly think if your head that he is telling on himself big time, but don’t say that, because I don’t want you to use your energy arguing with him, because he is not going to change his mind (Trust me – my husband to this day says that I cheated as well!!). Next, start to get out of the house more. I know you are afraid of hearing more of him mouth about cheating, but honestly, if he accuses you of being a ‘whore’ and cheating when you are in the house all day watching your kids nothing will satisfy him in that area, so you might as well go out and have some fun, he is going to have the same line whether you stay in and go out. Don’t worry about not having any friends, start to think about going out more and the friends will come. But get out of the house. Lastly, it seems you want to leave but not sure where to start. Is there a correlation between your husband and your job? Leaving your husband is overwhelming, but you can do it. For you personally, I would just take the next month or two and start to think about what life would look like without him being your husband. Where would you live, how would you pay bills, how much his child support would be. Just start to think about it. No need to rush, especially with kids. So next time he takes you there, start to focus on how you are going to leave. That should help you until you officially decide what you want to do. Best of luck!!
Thank you so much your words are subtle and to the point a perspective I needed to see. I have asked other for help and the have given me good advice it just something about seeing it in writing that has hit home. I have thought about leaving my husbnd years be fore now be cause of his lack of sensitivity toward me and the kids and when I found out he cheated on I was done I was not working at the time and felt stuck now even with this job I feel stuck. but I have been looking into getting out for months has been doing this for almost two years just lately it’s everyday. His socalled friends are telling him lies daily about me beacuse he goes looking for it. I feel so impowered by your adivce once again thank you. God Bless you!
Thanks Ann8, glad I could help, you take care, reach out anytime.
My husband has worked and lived out of town for the past 4 years. He was home on all weekends. The past 15 years he had travelled extensively with his work also. So the burden of raising a child and keeping the household running was on me. I was a working mother also so it hasn’t been easy. In April he was transferred home and I knew it would be difficult after so many years to live together again. I was determined for it to work though. Then one day about a month ago I came upon a chat of his (he’s not very computer savvy and left it open) that made it perfectly clear that something was going on with a woman from that town. I immediately went to my lawyer who was also my maid of honor, she convinced me not to make any decisions that night. When he came home that night I told him what I thought of him… and told him to check the chat which I left open just in case he wanted to continue his conversation. He was devastated, remorseful and promised that it means absolutely nothing and that she means nothing and that he would explain when things were calmer. Their words were sweet, he says pay no attention. It means nothing, I adore you, want to grow old with you… blah blah blah. I can’t understand how words can be so lovey dovey yet the person means nothing. I approached him the other day asking him to explain how that is. Now he doesn’t want to discuss it. He wants us to put this behind us, what I have discovered in all of this is that I am still in love with him and am trying to put this behind me. Our sex life has come to life – from the dormant situation that we had before. I’m tempted to try to find out more about her, I’ve already made some connections – it doesn’t matter who she is, I realize that but I want to have the whole story. Should I leave it alone?
I have been married for nearly 30 yrs to a man that has cheated on me more than once. I know of 3 different woman…but I think there has been dozens that I know nothing about. I am getting tired of the covering up to make everything appear as if we are happy. I have turned a blind eye cause I didn’t want to face it. I have left once and I am leaving tomorrow to stay with my brother in an area where I want to live and find work. I know I can never live in the same town as he does because moving out once and living in the same town didn’t work. He only wore me down to move back in saying he had changed. less than 10 years later and here we go again.
Hello Liz, welcome to the blog. Your sex life has been revived!! That was totally opposite of my experience, but glad you are getting that good lovin again. It is very very typical for men to want to ‘put the situation’ in the past, and just ‘move on with life’. But as women, we are not wired that way, and it takes time for us to understand and heal, and your husband has to understand that. The more he keeps telling you to ‘move on’ the more you are going to want to know about the situation. Your question of – should you leave it alone – YES…..BUT, your husband has to be a participant in helping you with that, and telling you to ‘put it behind us’ isn’t going to help. The problem is that when he doesn’t want to answer any questions about the situation, you get real curious and your mind starts boiling into you have created this wild, crazy, sexy affair with a porn star!! So if there is anyway that you can tell your husband that this situation is very difficult for you, and while it’s easy for him to move on, you can’t do that with the drop of a dime because the foundation of trust in the marriage is shattered, and the only way to rebuild it is one small step at a time. So each time he does anything to validate trust, it’s a drop in the bucket. If he does that enough times, the marriage will start to grow, and your need to know all the details of the affair will be diminished. I hope this helps!!
Hello Sheila, it seems that you are at a stage in your life where you don’t have time for the games anymore. I think going to stay with your brother is a good move, it will give you some alone time so you can think through your next steps for what you want to do with your life. You are under no obligation to cover up anything for him, I felt the same exact way, like I had to protect him from the world. I don’t feel that way anymore, he is a grown man, doesn’t matter what people say about him, he is a grown man and should be able to take it. You will be fine, as long as you remember your strength and the power within you to leave and life life not accepting repetitive behavior life this from anyone. Best of luck to you.
Hi Jewels, thank you for your insight. I’m trying hard here. LOL amazing sex, maybe I should thank her if I ever see her =)
I’ve been to the island he was on during the past summers, I know who she is by name and association, I don’t remember if I’ve ever met her though. He doesn’t know I know though. We’re going there next week, I’m looking forward to watching him squirm, he will probably bend over backwards to make sure an accidental meeting is avoided. Knowing me, I’ll probably do everything possible to be in places I think she’ll be.
I’m going to try to avoid the subject altogether, there is no way he’ll talk about it unless he decides he wants to. Isn’t it amazing though how women in this situation are walking on eggshells instead of the other way around??
Hi Liz, I hope you have fun on the islands! Yes, it is very interesting that we are the ones walking on eggshells instead of our husbands, what is that? They should feel so bad about what they did that they are just distraught. And that is rarely the case, we are the ones that are trying to figure this out. Not sure why that is. Maybe our husbands don’t think of cheating as a big deal, maybe they are on eggshells but don’t want to show it or admit it. I know that many men act arrogant about it, UNTIL we walk out, then sometimes they start acting like they are devastated, by that time, it’s too late! I know next week your husband is going to try to act cool, even though he will be nervous. Let me know how things go, take care.
Hi Jewels, Interesting that you mention the following in your post to Lucia….
“Maybe our husbands don’t think of cheating as a big deal, maybe they are on eggshells but don’t want to show it or admit it. I know that many men act arrogant about it, UNTIL we walk out, then sometimes they start acting like they are devastated, by that time, it’s too late!”
My husband has been acting as if it’s no big deal for the past 7 months. Other than going to counseling, he’s been doing very little, if anything really, to show remorse and help to rebuild the trust after devastating our 24-year marriage (now 25 since our anniversary was a few weeks ago, 6 months after D-Day….and no ‘over and above’ actions from him to make it very special).
So, I am leaving this weekend! We have an RV and I am going to live in it for a while. When I told him I thought we needed a separation, and asked him to leave back in late April after finding a 2nd order of flowers on the credit card statement (how nice he had finally bothered to send me some almost 4 months after D-Day; and the 2nd order went to a DIFFERENT girl than his affair partner whom he had not seen since February…????)….he asked for 90-days. And here we are at the end of 90-days, and still nothing is better! It seems to be all about me “getting over it” (no, he doesn’t use those exact words, it’s the attitude, you know).
Anyway, when I leave this weekend, I guess I’ll see if he’s devastated….or relieved. Either way, I have got to move on with my life!….for my own health and sanity! This has been killing me…and affecting my job, my relationships with my friends and even our children. I just haven’t been myself the past 7 months….and it is startig to show! And you are right — even if he is devastated, it is probably just too late!!
Good for you Sandy-Sue, glad you are putting yourself first!! Your health and everything else will start to turn around. It’s crazy how the stress of this experience impacts you on so many levels. He might not act devastated at first. My husband didn’t. And he never ran to me crying on my shoulders begging me to stay, but I knew he was hurt, I could tell by his actions. I could tell because he tried to talk to me and get us to work it out. We do so much for our men, once we leave, the house is not the same, things don’t happen like they should, the ‘nurturing’ part of the relationship is gone, and they realize they made a mistake. I know you were devastated all over again when you saw that order of flowers. It hurts so bad when you find out the husband that wanted to ‘work things out’ is still playing games. I know I was totally devastated when I found out he was still cheating after he saw how hurt I was the first time. Anyways, good luck with your move, we are all wishing you strength and success!!
Yes, it has been one devastation after another during this roller-coaster game. My D-Day was 12/28/10 and as I mentioned in the previous post, last time he saw his “other woman” (who is/was a stripper) was in February…
In April, I actually caught him outside a strip club when he couldn’t make it to counseling because of jury duty (around the same time as the flowers) — I drove by after I finished counseling; in May when he went to an individual counseling session, and then ‘stopped for a beer across town’….which he admitted, and means he stopped at the strip club.
I don’t even know why I’ve wasted these past few months. When I left him 4 years ago (not because of cheating, just marital unhappiness and differences), he begged for counseling and he couldn’t live without me, etc. etc. I was gone about 7-8 months, with us going to counseling and dating each other again….I guess I thought I should give at least that much time to gauge the effort of rebuilding. However, the man that loved me so much and just couldn’t live without me…..seems to be gone forever! So sad…:(
I’ve told him more than once that if I knew he was going to pull ‘this’ after just a few short years, I would have NEVER came back!
What to do with a husband who asked to move home after he left, then will not communicate! He asked that I give him time, well enough time already. He has been back for over 3 weeks. I just found his pot stash, which shocked me as this man is a super health nut. I know he does not sleep but what other things is he hiding? There are moments when I see my man I have known for 27 years and see warmth in his eyes. Then just the coldness and won’t touch me.
So right now I am seriously considering hiring a PI because he has hidden things so well. He confessed to the affair in mid May when I cornered him and it was just my gut telling me. I am also considering re-joining his gym as I know this is where it began, when they came together because of their miserable marriages. I know this is NOT my fault and I am not the cause of his unhappiness.
I need suggestions and ice breaking words to use to get the communication flowing. Right now the anger has set in for me, I no longer have that horrible pit in my stomach and the shock. Now I am starting to take care of me and go out with friends again. But this no communication thing on his part is causing me to now not sleep and it is time he grew up and face what we have right now
… we’re going to the island tomorrow … I don’t even want to begin to think about how I’m going to feel once we get there. I know I’ll be checking everyone out, wanting to get introduced by friends to the women I don’t already know there just in case I catch the name of ‘the other woman’. I know she’s the mom of a friend of my son. My husband doesn’t know that I know that though. It is going to be a trying 4 days. I can already feel my stomach tightening into many knots. I hope I can keep my morbid curiosity from seeking her out because I don’t think I would confront her. Did I mention that my husband told me that he hasn’t told her I found out? He says it’s because it’s not important enough to bother with, that could be partially true but i think the real reason is that he is embarrased to. It was bad enough that I found out, for her to find out that I know makes the whole thing look like a bad romance novel.
Sandy-Sue,
It’s strange when men do that whole ‘I don’t want to lose you, it was just sex, I want to work things out’ and then continue to cheat. It’s like COME ON…….stop playing with our minds like that. I am sure you will never go back this time.
Jules,
That’s great you don’t have that shock and horrible pit in your stomach. It’s hard to share with you something to say to get him to open up because he is not communicating, and we don’t know why. It could be because he is hiding something, it could be because he is depressed, who knows. The thing you have to consider is what do you want him to say when he does talk. If you want him to openly confess every lie and everything he did while cheating, that is probably not going to happen. I wouldn’t want you to spend a good amount of time trying to ‘get him’ to open up because once his does, you might not like what comes out.
The positive things about him not talking is that you can tell him your intentions without a fight. You can tell him that you gave him 3 weeks of ‘time’ to communicate, and that is enough time. Tell him it’s not fair to you to put your life on hold to wait for him, when he had no consideration for your life and feelings when he decided to cheat. Tell him what you need, tell him the time frame. Tell him what will happen if he doesn’t do those things. You can say this very calmly, and if he doesn’t want to say anything in return, fine. He can’t ever said that you gave it a try. It takes two very hard working and committed people to rebuild a marriage, and if one isn’t talking, it makes recovery and progress almost impossible.
Liz,
Good luck with your trip. Interesting that he hasn’t told her yet. Are you comfortable with that? If I were you, I would be thinking, if she doesn’t know yet, what is preventing her from still reaching out to your husband in the same manner that she was before? And what is preventing him from not continuing the affair? I am really not trying to create another knot in your stomach, just giving you something to think about. Make sure you have some fun on this trip!!! It seems like such a stress, you have to get some fun in there somehow!!
last night I finally accused my husband of cheating. We have been married for 30 years. Last night he actually had me saying I was sorry. It had been going on accoding to him for a year and a half. I know I have some issues that need to be worked out, but like you said he didnt even take any of the “credit” for the affair. It was all my fault. I will be starting councling soon to try and deal with my issues. And he has agreed to councling also but I feel he is just doing this to bide his time. I dont get a feeling that he realy wants to work things out. He lied to me for over a year and a half. I just dont know what to believe any more. I have decided a couple of things. I am starting a savings account that he will not know about. I figure if this is going to end I am going to be prepared. I need money for 1st and last month rent, new furniture including a bed. I dont want anything around that he had a descion in buying. I know this sounds like I am giving up. but I want to be able to stand on my own 2 feet when and if I have to. and if it turns out he is not just biding his time and we work this out. then I guess we can take a surprise vaction with the money I will have saved. LOL any way I just wanted to thank you for your e book. It helped me to see why I am feeling the way that I am.
Thanks Sue, glad the ebook helped you! Sorry to hear about your husband. I know he had you saying sorry, but you did nothing wrong. Most of them play this game of blaming us so that they can deny the conversation to us about there own faults. It’s sad that they would go to those measures but they do. I think it is very wise of you to start saving up money to leave, I wish I would of started saving up sooner. And you are right, if things end up working out, then you have money for a vacation, but just in case it doesn’t, you are prepared. Take Care!
I just found out that my husband (married since april 16th this year) heated on me for 2 years on and off with my only sister i dont know what to do we have a 2 year old son the cheating stopped 9 months ago but i feel so betrayed how could i ever get over this ,…..my own sister
Hello Sam, sorry to hear about your situation. Double betrayal. I think everyone involved will need counseling, I hope that you, your husband, and sister are in a position to get it. Right now, I would like you to focus on you. Not your husband, not your sister. They both did something very hurtful, and I am not sure if they are in a place right now to help you heal. But your own body knows what you need, and if you spend some time and try to relax without all of the troubles of the world, I think you will have peace, even if only a moment in time. Remember, you did nothing wrong, they are both going to have to live with what they did, and trust me, you don’t have to be angry or mad for them. If your husband is really sorry, tell him that you need him to step up and watch your son a little bit more while you process this. Again, I recommend therapy, this is too difficult of a situation to try to handle alone. Even if no one else wants to do it, if you have an opportunity, go yourself, I doubt you will regret it. I wish you the best.
Hi, the trip was uneventful. My husband didn’t leave my side except for a couple of hours when he went to visit his old colleagues. I was on the beach most of the day. I spoke with a male friend of mine about him not telling her. My reaction was the same as yours, his viewpoint is quite different. He says that if he tells her then he’s opening a can of worms with her, letting her know what’s happening in his home. Would let her stick her toe in the door so to speak.
So what to do next? May 14 2011 I discovered my husbands affair, I asked and he told me all about it. He blamed me, our marraige, etc. etc. Told me he was in love with her, loved me but not in love with me etc. It was horrible, fast forward he moved out June 14th and asked to move home 3 weeks later. I find out he is still seeing her and he will not tell me who it is. Then 2 weeks ago he tells me he ended with her, could not handle the stress and anxiety, etc. He is still not the same, home every night but very cold, standoffish. I find his secret phone and account a week ago, get the phone and now have texts and phone number. He lied, still in contact and I had the number traced and it is who I suspected months ago. Again he lied, denied, etc… Now he has come clean. So I call her, leave a message, no call back. Call our dentist to make appt. for my son, well she is the hygenist. No wonder husband switched dentists over a year ago and kinda freaked when I switched myself and our boys. So now this women calls my husband accusing me of harrassing her at home and work. Yep I called her home and hung up several times. But wow, our Dentist? Hubbie came to her defense and I laid into him. He again told me he did not want to give up on us, our marriage but I am not feeling or seeing a whole lot of groveling or work on his part. He then told me she let him know that she wanted a man with a backbone, one who could commit and his not leaving me, his wife spoke volumes. So she broke up with him. Also that she confessed to her husband and she was afraid I would be calling him. Then my husband adds this side note threat of if you call her husband you could enable me to go back to her.
Wow, just wow. So I point blank asked him, so now are you packing up and going to her now that she has told her husband? He tearfully told me No, he is wanting to stay and not give up on us. So I wrote him a letter outlining my needs for us and what we need to discuss. Absolutely no comment from him, he is self employed but still no excuse not to acknowledge. He did leave with our oldest for 2 days of mountain biking. But still no excuses.
So last night I texted the secret phone asking where it was and is it still active. I told him I need re-assurance. To top all this off I had to run into her on Friday, she is older and not attractive at all, just skinny. So it was definetly not a physcial attraction as my husband is all about his looks and his rock hard body. Matter of fact he is a little over obsessed on aging, adding more vitamins daily to his regime.
So not sure what to do next. My dear friends want to go to this womens home and support me while I speak my mind to her. But I say No, I don’t want to give her any ounce of me, she is not worth it. They say I need to call or go to her husbands office, he is a Dentist in our community. I said No.
I do like their one idea, as of Sunday night he confesses all, complete honesty on any actions, communication, meeting with her since he moved back home, his choice to move home. This is his one opportunity for complete honesty. I suspect he saw her Friday morning as I have at&t family map on him and this one location did not make sense.
It has been just 3 months since I found out about the affair and he moved out on 6/14 and home 3 weeks later.
What should be my next steps? I need to become stronger as I need to respect myself. Is he normal, wants to be here but acts like a hurt animal. He never asks how I am doing. Part of me just wants to pack up and disappear for a couple of days but my attorney said not to leave our house. Maybe I just am not home Sunday evening when he gets home, let him guess more? Help!
Thanks for the update, interesting perspective from your husband’s friend, maybe it’s a man thing? Take Care.
Hello Jules, interested to know why your attorney asked you to stay (is it because of abandonment?).
Anyways, your husband has go to step up. Yes he is hurt, but the person that is cheated on hurts more. He should be driving the affair recovery. He should be calling the therapists or reading books into how to make this work. He has to make you feel that you are together not because she broke up with him, but because he wants to be with you.
I personally wouldn’t worry about talking to your hygienist (I would go to another dentist!) and having a talk with her. i know it feels like you need that, but to be honest, I have not heard any good things that come out of talking to the OW. If the conversations happens to take place, great, but I wouldn’t plan a trip to her house. Like you said, I would focus on becoming more stronger within yourself, once you do that, the answers get easier.
Sue: All men twist the blame to us because the are weak and don’t want to be wrong! My husband did the same thing blaming me when it was his midlife crisis not mine. His actions not yours drove him to cheat! He has a brain he could have used it. Most men think with their penis and the brain later. This is what gets them into so much trouble! If it was the other way around you cheated on him he would have thrown you out of the house asap. Always a double standard! I have been married 23yrs and the last 4 my husband has been doing the Rep. Weiner stuff. Now he says he is an alcoholic which might be true but it’s still not an excuse! It will get better but it does take a long time. If you can save money great if your stuck like me it’s hard to save. So my husband sleeps on the couch because we have no other bedroom for him. He still wants to pay for everything but it would be nice if he want’nt here doing that.
Thanks for the comment to Sue!. Only one thing that I want to mention to you Lisa, and that is this. I know you might feel totally stuck and that you can’t leave. But you have more options that you think. For the next week or two, just imagine that you are not stuck, what would that look like. For one week, do not tell yourself that you are stuck, say that you are in a position to leave, and watch what comes your way. I say that because I thought the same thing, I can not leave, there is no way I can get an apartment, etc. on my own. But there is a way, I am telling you. You mentioned in a previous post that you don’t work, that is fine, do some research on divorce and spousal support, he might be entitled to help you get back on your feet. Of course I am not a lawyer, all I am saying is that you have more options that you think, it is just a matter of opening your eyes just a little bit more, and exploring the possibilities. Best of luck, I hope everything works out.
My husband cheated, with a client – the first time it happened there was no penetration but everything else – this was 3 years ago. He was very remorseful. She is a married woman and chased him mercilessly.
I found out the other day that he has been seeing her and had had sex with her several times, for about a year now. I confronted him. He lied and lied and lied.
He has no libido, and low testosterone. He is also 43 with a stressful career. He says that she started chasing him again and he began having lunches with her several times a week. Her husband is very wealthy and she paid for everything – always. So the lunches led to sex.
He is wanting me to believe that a large part of the times they were meeting he was trying to convince her that he loved me and wouldn’t leave me. He is very remorseful – says the sex was terrible – he was drunk every time it happened -he would never have sought an affair himself… blah, blah, blah.
I am stuck here in my situation for a least another couple months. I am not sure what to do. I am angry and hurt and devastated. I have devoted my life to this man and my children.
Hello Katarina,
It’s good that your husband is remorseful, not good that this is the same women that was trying to get with him a couple of years ago. At this point, being sorry doesn’t do it. He needs to figure out why he is doing this and if he is serious, he needs to get therapy do help him understand his emotions, if he doesn’t, there is nothing that is facilitating growth, so my fear is a year later there is another “I’m Sorry”. If he is really sorry, he would jump at the chance to grow and understand why he did something so hurtful (marriage therapy would hopefully be beneficial as well). The second thing I will tell you is that no matter if you go or stay, remember devoting yourself to your husband without devoting to yourself first is a bad recipe (been there, done that). It should be more like, I am going to devote myself to making sure I am the best and happiest Katarina there is, and when I do that, I have enough life and energy to share with my husband and kids. That is so important. You are so important, and your feelings are as well. Take Care.
Jewels,
Its my first time checking out this web but it has only comfirmed one thing to me. All men are the same and they are dogs.
I am confused right now coz i have decided to give my life to Jesus Christ but my husband seems to be going the other way.
I just found out that he has been asking some of his female employees to have sex with him in exchange of money… really?… am i that bad in bed… i am bitter right now coz everything he tells me seems to be a lie.
Hey Damms, you know i cant perform well, it will be embarassing for me to have an affari, plus i take hyperntion pills every day, they reduce my libido, blah…blah…blah…
Every lie has been told, we are married for five years now, and have 2 gorgious kids 3 & 1.
I try mybest to be there for him but all he knows is accusing me for things that i have not even done and i have just realised that all the things he does, he is afraid i might be doing the same.
I am bitter, bitter, bitter but suprisingly, i dont ever think of leaving seriously.
He pretends to be a good man, he is caring, loving and his at home 80% of his free time but there are just many hidden skeletons in the closet.
I have been married almost 7 years and my husband and I have 2 children. He also has 2 children from the previous relationship. Those kids I adore and they love me back. My husband has cheated on me several times. I have kicked him out and took him back in. He leaves for weeks and even months and I still take him back. He comes back telling me that he is going to change and I try to believe him. This time he has been gone for 8 months(the longest). I did not hear from him nor did he bother to call for holidays nor the kids birthdays.
I texted him early August to let him know that I needed help to buy my son’s school uniforms and if he could help me. He texted back that he would come by that Tuesday to pick him up. I said okay. I feared he would not show up since he left my kids hanging all the time. But he showed up and took both of the kids. They were so excited.
Anyways to make the story short, a week later I took him back. I am not going to lie but he seemed different. He talked to me and he told me that before he moved back in like all the other times, that we should get couseling because he didn’t want to loose me. He asked for forgiveness for cheating on me before. He said he wouldn’t do it again because he had a lot to loose. Well, it was three weeks of fun.
I found out that he had a daughter early September. Now he has been ignoring me for the last week and I have not been able to confront him about it because he is hiding from me. The girl knows I know because I messaged her on facebook. I wanted to confirm that my husband was indeed her baby’s father. I wasn’t rude, I just wanted to know. She had a picture of the baby girl and my husband on her page. Now that picture is off. He knows I know that is why he is not answering my calls. I have been in a very sad mood so far. I was trying to make it work out AGAIN!!! Something always happens, but on behalf of him.
Hello Damma,
I know the site makes it seem like there are no good men, but i assure you there are (even though the site makes it look that way). The reason I know is because I have interacted with men that have contacted me just as devastated, literally devastated. And as sad as it is, in some strange way it gives me hope that wow, there are husbands out there that never cheated and are going through the same emotions right now. But overall I get what you are saying.
If you husband has been asking co-workers to have sex with him, I think he has a deeper problem that should be addressed. There is a reason that has nothing to do with you as to why he is doing this, he has to address that in order to help repair the marriage. And saying ‘It’s over, I won’t do it again’ wont cut it. He has a problem and until he admits it, he might not even see what he is really doing and the impact. That is just my 2 cents, I wish you well in your journey.
I know that feeling that every woman gets when she finds out that her husband cheated. Mine almost cost me my health and life. I couldn’t eat for 4-6 months without throwing up afterwards from the anxiety that I felt. My heart was pounding all the time and my heart just constantly felt like it was breaking. I lost 60lbs in a 1 year period and I only needed to loose 25. I became sickly skinny and fraile (no sleep for months, maybe 3hrs a night). Panic attacks were the norm everyday that I knew I had to see him. I was so stressed out from what he had done all I could do was cry for hours every time I came home from work. This robbed my boys of their mothers attention for years. I became depresses and suicidal. Then one day all the crying just stopped. I don’t know when it was but it just stopped. I am still with my husband but question myself all the time why! I don’t trust him but yet I stay with him because I don’t know nothing elese. Half my life has been with this man. I will always wonder what if?
Hello Patty, welcome to the site. Him leaving back and forth like that is no good for you and the kids. And I think deep down you know that, but the thought of actually not taking him back or actually getting a divorce is overwhelming. What I am about to say may be harsh, but I think you need to hear it. STOP expecting him to change. He has shown you time and time again that he will come into your life and leave – expect what he is showing you, not what you want. My husband is late for everything, I mean everything. Doesn’t matter how important the event, he will be late. It use to really get to me because I would always get my hopes up saying, this time he will be on time for his daughter’s Christmas play, this time he will be on time for parent-teacher conference. Sometimes I would literally cry because he would miss such important events. But me crying didn’t change him either. That’s because he will not change until he wants to change within himself. But here is the beauty in all of this, you have the ability to control your actions, which will force him to change. For instance, if you live in the US, you can do some free consultations with a divorce lawyer, just to get an understanding of what would happen in case you decide to do that, how would that impact you financially, the kids, etc. Your attitude will change slightly because you have more knowledge about how it works. Not telling you to get a divorce by any means, I just want you to have the knowledge, you will feel more empowered because of it. You can choose to not let him back in emotionally, meaning next time he calls trying to creep back in your life, say no thanks, you rather not engage with him. The kids are another story but just because he comes by to see his kids doesn’t mean you have to talk to him. And I know what I am saying is hard, especially if most of your life is dedicated to the kids, being with him might be your only outlet, if that is the case, get some more outlets (smile), join an organization, hang out with family/friends more, he can not be your single source, because he has proven not to be stable in that arena. If he creeps back in your life and he wants to have sex, say no, or make him use a condom. Tell him that you do not know where he has been and you need to protect yourself. He will be surprised by your actions because he will not be used to it, but it will show him that the games of the past are no longer acceptable. Lastly, I know him coming in and out of your life (especially now with another kid) has got to be utterly exhausting and painful, like you are replaying a bad movie over and over again. Your kids are probably feeling it as well. I know you mentioned that he always said he was up for counseling, I would recommend at the least you go to counseling for yourself as well as the kids if you can afford it, don’t wait on him. Matter of fact, if you ever do proceed with talking to a divorce lawyer (the first session is usually free), make sure he pays for counseling for you and the kids. You have been through so much already, I just don’t want you to set yourself up for disappointment again. Good luck to you.
Hello Lisa,
It’s tough, we stay for many reasons, most of those reasons I don’t think we consciously know many times. I am glad you are not suicidal as you were in the past, but at the same time, you are suppose to enjoy life, and enjoy the time with your husband, and it’s important for you to find out why you still do not trust him. That is huge. Is he doing things to show trust (like showing you his phone if asked, saying where he is), not in a way that is obsessive, but he has to earn trust back, and if he is not doing that, it will not give you the security you need to feel comfortable in the marriage. I think you are on the right track in asking yourself these questions, keep asking them, eventually the answer will present itself to you and you will know what to do from that point forward. Good luck in your journey.
I just don’t understand what these men want…? Why get married, why have kids? I’ve been married only 1 1/2…he has lied to me like there is no tomorrow. This is his second marriage and you think that he would be better at it…yeah right!!! Thank goodness there are no kids involved. I found 2 numbers that he dialed early in the morning…and BEHOLD I googled the numbers ….numbers for escorts!!! He told me that his friend borrowed his cell and was trying to set up a bachelor party for a coworker. Even made his friend call me and to tell me this. By the way he has a gambling problem, major problem (more strain on the marriage). A few months later I found text message… asking “what are you wearing?” “Send me a pic.”
He has like several email addresses that he claims that he uses for miscellaneous reasons. Well one of those email addressess had a pic uploaded (date noted at the bottom of pic- this year)…what an idiot.
I finally found the courage to call up one of the numbers in his contacts. She was nice answered all my questions. She kept apologizing and felt bad. She wouldn’t tell me the extent of the relaitonship, but the fact that he contacted a “woman” was more than enough. OMG the lies he told her!!! Out of this world…made me laugh hard. Its just improper …wrong and totally violates our relationship. She told me that he doesn’t act like a married man and that he is very flirtateous. Something just snapped after I spoke to her. I told myself I deserve better. I need to take care of myself…I mean he could be sleeping around with so many woman…what if I catch something? Most importantly…WHY AM I IN THIS MARRIAGE FOR? WHAT AM I GET OUT OF THIS? Nothing but misery, disappointment and pain. I haven’t been with him that long and I have no kids. Makes my decision easier than some of the woman here…i know. Its just a shame that after all I have done for him …he would really want to just throw it all away.
Each time I would confront him, he would have an excuse. No apologies, nothing. And yes I am guilty of coming back tohim again and again. But talking with that girl, made me realize something…. my husband had no respect for me or our relationship….ultimately THERE IS NO MORE TRUST. I want to be happy and healthy. LIFE IS TOO SHORT. I did what i could to get him help, but he didn’t want to change his ways of life. I’ve told him that I want a divorce and that he can figure his own life out. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
I deserve better….AND LADIES I’M SO SORRY THAT YOU HAD TO ENDURE SUCH PAIN, CONFUSION AND DISAPPOINTMENT. This is not what marriage is suppose to be about. We need to be strong and take care of ourselves.
oh…..p.s….
I love him tremendously. We have shared some good times…had everything going for us…planning for a baby. AND now I have to figure out how to continue..emtionally I am a wreck, but I try to stay strong, I dont’ want to be in marriage with full of resentment and no trust. Support is also important. Can people change ? One thing i’ve learned from all this mess bottom line YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM AND ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD WON’T WORK EITHER.
My life will go on. I demand happiness!!!
Hello Daisy,
Good for you!! I know it’s strange, it’s like you know that him having different email addresses is not right, but you want so bad not to think it is cheating that you believe him. My husband send messages to girls on myspace and facebook and it left a pit in my stomach, I knew something wasn’t right, but I so wanted to believe him when he said he was joking, etc.
I really believe that if there is something that you need to know the universe keeps nudging at us, and if we don’t get it, it nudges harder, I think in your case the big nudge was talking to her. That was a defining moment for myself as well when i asked, what am I gaining out of this relationship…..most of my answers where pain and I said I can’t do this the rest of my life. Cheers to a better life!!
My husband of 15yrs has been having multiple affairs over the past year I was devasted I have stood by this man and have taken our marriage very serious. I don’t feel like a women anymore I feel as if he has taken everything from me. I confronted one of his lovers she said to me ‘I don’t regret anything we did we were having fun’ I mean how dare her! They tear my world apart over some damn fun! I’m still in the marriage and he is trying to regain my trust, but I’m so angry I just don’t know how to get past the hurt nI don’t understand why he did this. How do you move on from this and rebuild your marraige? How do I let go of this anger I have towards her and him? Its eating away at me. Is it normal to have more hate towards the other women than your husband? Its been 5mths and I’m still as mad I was when I found out. This is the worst pain ever!!!
Tina I can empathise with you. My husband also described his experience with one of his other women as “fun”. It hurts to the core that they can say such hurtful things not probably thinking that it hurts. I am as angry as hell still and it has been 2 and a half years since I found out. You are still only a small way in at 5 months so your feelings are normal.
I dont know either how to get over the pain and the anger as I have it everyday. I can only offer you my sympathy that you are going through this and you are not alone.
Hello Tina,
Some women are immature (like the one that my husband cheated with, very young and just wanted someone to pay for her meals and go clubbing with). And immature women say immature things like what she said to you. Sometimes it surprises me that our grown men fall for it. You make a very good point about not feeling like a woman anymore, many women have said that. I think it comes from us attaching a huge part of our self worth in our family and our husbands. We are the wife, and there is a pride associated with that, so when they cheat, that is taken away from us in a severe way. I now realize that the key is that next time around, I will get that feeling of feeling like a woman myself ourselves first, from my own strength, and my partner should only compliment my strength, not be the center of it as it was in my situation. But that is a huge topic and I won’t get into much details about it, just something for you to think about.
Getting over the anger is not something that I can tell you an answer in one posting, but it is a journey, and the first step is saying, from this point forward, I am going to focus on Tina first, how to make Tina happy, what Tina wants to do. Not in a selfish way but how can you really work on rebuilding a marriage when you are still dealing with so many emotions within yourself. If you want to try to work on the marriage, it is in your best interest to focus on what Tina is feeling and why Tina is feeling that way. I know it’s SO much easier said than done, but I focus on this so much because while you are being angry, he is going out golfing and that does upset me because you should be the one out and he should be feeling bad for what he did, but instead we take on all the anger and pain for the relationship and that is not fair.
Also realize that you can not heal hurt or anger until you pinpoint where it is coming from, and that is a major block that many women have in recovery. If you just feel angry, but can not pinpoint why because your emotions are all over the place, then you probably have some more self-reflection to do. You can not heal a broken bone until you locate where the broken bone is. If you just told the doctor ‘ouch’ it would be hard for him to help.
So how do you find out what is causing you such pain? You find out how to heal the pain from writing, from spending time alone, and from questioning yourself and your actions. A therapist might be able to speed up the process, but essentially the first step is to spend time focusing on your thoughts at a deeper level and sorting out all the emotions in your head. Once you pinpoint the source of the anger through self-reflection, you will be in a better position to release that pain. Take Care.
Hi I found out 3 years ago that my husband had cheated, when his mistress phoned to tell me she was pregnant. I have spent the last 3 years trying to get my marriage back, and I can’t. I told him yesterday that I am leaving. I feel so lost and alone.
We’ve been together 14 years, married 7.
My kids are teens, and not his. They know the pain I am going through, and have to live with it every day. I care for him but don’t love him. I am so scared about leaving and having nothing though. I don’t have a job at the minute because I have been working with him.
Every human being has limit and can only endure a certain amount of pain. The thing that hurts is that most of the time they are not even in love with these girls….its the thrill that they are in love with. I would NEVER compromise my relationship for just a moment of fun…WHAT HAPPEN TO COMMITMENT? VOWS? RESPECT?
I’ve tried to my best to look at my relationship at every angle. Not only did he cheat on me but he also Gambles. I don’t believe words anymore, only actions. I have to look at his actions….actions speak louder than words.
I have to take what I learned, PUSH myself to something greater and better….HAPPINESS. Now I know why my parents, especially my dad always pushed me to always be independant. I would have never thought in a million years that this would happen to me. I don’t have much right now, but I have the “WILL” to want better things in life. I’m planning my futuer with out him. ITS INCREDIBLY sad but he didn’t give me a choice. I know its easier said than done.
My sister would and brother would tell me to leave him. BUT they don’t understand the situation… I mean I LOVE THIS MORON… STILL. My heart aches every moment…and there isn’t a day that passes that I don’t cry. I am just really really tired of the WORRY. SO DRAINING and I chose not to do this anymore… the pain is incredible….its like I have a noose around my neck.
I can’t control him or even try to. BUT i can control myself and pray for strength, guidance and health.
HOPE is important.
Caz,I am sorry to hear about your situation, what a painful way to find out. One thing that I will tell you, if you have tried for 3 years, at least you can leave the marriage knowing you gave it your best shot, but I know it doesn’t ease the pain. I know you are scared about leaving, but can anything be worse than the pain you have been through the past 3 years? I am not sure if you have built up a support system with family and friends that are willing to help, if you haven’t you can start, you would be surprised at the level of support you have once you simply open up and ask. And you don’t have to physically leave until you have a comfortable level of support for you and the kids. There is power in making the decision to leave, meaning that you longer have to be worried about him and making him understand and trying to work things out. Your thoughts can not be directed towards you planning to leave. It’s a huge milestone and one that is not difficult to make, so put a smile on your face today knowing that you did something very courageous. I know the thought of being alone is scary, especially with kids, but everything is going to work out just fine.
Louise - Just curious, you state that you are still going through it after 2 years, if you don’t mind sharing, have you decided to stay and work on the marriage or are you still trying to decide?
I feel so guilty for leaving him. He is a great big man, but so weak emotionally. He won’t cope on his own. I know this and feel it shouldn’t be my responsibility, but I can’t help it.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and the last 4 years be wiped out. I just wanted my old life back, but then don’t we all wish we had our pre-cheating husbands?
He has never stayed faithful in a relationship, that should have warned me of something, shouldn’t it!
He keeps looking at me and crying, asking what he should do. I have to tell him the truth, he has already done it, and that is why I have to go!
He gave no consideration for me, while he was having his affair, so WHY do I feel like the bad one?
During his affair he had a TIA, (a minor stroke), I was prepared to give up everything to look after him if he hadn’t recovered properly. I would have given my life for him.
Even the shock of that didn’t make him end the affair, as he didn’t get her pregnant until 5 months later.
I still feel so bitter, I don’t think he lies or is cheating anymore, but I will never be sure.
I really don’t care if he does sleep with someone else anymore, but I hurt so much at the thought of hurting him, and leaving.
I know in the long run it is best, still doesn’t stop it hurting now.
I am packing my things up around him, and it feels wrong. Not the leaving part there, but I feel like I am rubbing his face in things.
Maybe if he’d tried more I might have been able to make it work.
He would go to see her while he was supposed to be at work (he’s his own boss), but if I ever wanted to do anything, he was always too busy at work.
He is still always too busy at work, for anything. Nothing has changed, except my resentment built.
I know it’s right, but it feels so wrong at the minute!
Thanks ladies for all the insight it really helps. It saddens me to see all the women that have been hurt by there cheating husbands! At least I’m not alone and my husband is not the only idiot out there! You know what really makes me mad if the shoe was on the other foot my husband would have been gone and never looked back it just goes to show how women are so much more stronger weather we stay or go!! Women are wired different I guess. I’m still struggling with the everyday triggers and the anger which I wish would go away. To the lady earlier that feels bad for leaving don’t u dare feel bad I know u love him but do u think he was thinking of your feelings when he was having an affair! You do what’s best for you, I commend you for leaving I wish I was that strong! My husbands tells me don’t you think I’m hurting too!! Well guess what I could give a damn if your hurting how about you jump in my shoes then tell me about hurt! He created this so I could care less if he’s hurt. Maybe these men should really think about what there doing and who it will affect! Man its nice to get things off my chest!
Hi everyone,
Its been a while since the last time I visited the site.. Its very good to see new people here being added who are able to express what they feel.. from my own experience, it helps a lot when you have someone to talk to during this stage of our life..
Jewel, as for me, for almost two years now, my husband is still cheating but I don’t care anymore.. he doesn’t care about our marriage so why should i care.. I’m focusing my attention with my baby and i’m already in the stage where I already decided to get out and leave him. At first, its really hard to make a decision since I’m worried about our kid.. But like what you did, I thought of those kids who have been raised by their mother alone and they became great people.. I knew then that it depends on how I will raise my kid that will shape her as she grow.. I will give her the greatest love that I can and i will give her the best life I knew. We’re still staying in my in-laws’ house because they are very understanding about what I’m feeling and they feel sorry about what their son did.. I’m thinking now of ways how I can have financial support.. I’m hard up as to how I will start a new life, but I believe, we can be able to start a new life soon.. Although sometimes, i feel like its a dead end for me because my family is facing financial problem so I can’t depend on them. My savings are all used up and i have to find a way for us to survive.. i always try to stay positive..
Hello Tina,
I agree, our husbands should think twice about who this will affect and the impact on us as wives and the entire family. Now I have had interaction with men that have been devastated by their wives cheating, and I will tell you the pain is there with some men as well. And most men typically don’t were their emotions, so they typically keep it inside because it’s not like they can go crying to their best friend, they keep it all in, which is not good. Cheating and the intense emotional impact is so misunderstood. Lastly, I am glad you got things off your chest one of the main reasons for the blog. Take Care!
Hello Raynejasper,
So good to hear from you!! So it seems like your husband is a lost cause in the cheating arena. I’m glad your able to stay with your in-laws until you figure out your own plan. I know you might be feeling ‘how and the world am I going to make it on my own’ and I was there, I really was, but I had to change that story I was telling myself because what you focus on grows, so I started to tell myself I am going to be able to move out on my own, and make a great life for my children. The more I said it, the more opportunities came to me. Didn’t happen overnight, but within 4-6 months, I found an opportunity where I could be on my own. Now like is not perfect. My landlord does nothing and as I am typing this, (I hear very very loud music in the background from neighbors at almost 11pm at night), BUT it’s the perfect stepping stone for me and I know it is only temporary, as is all of our circumstances. Keep thinking positive in the direction of goals, state them and the opportunities are sure to follow in due time. Take Care Raynejasper!
I am still sticking with it with my husband. It has been almost 5 months since I found out about his affair. We went from he was leaving me (after 24 years of marriage) to a one month seperation, he asked to move home to work on us. But then he continued his affair and I caught him in several more lies, found the secret phone, found out her name,etc… Then to having to hear from him, I love you but I am not sure… to him telling me to back off he needs space to decide, to him saying I am going to get help, to him not doing a darn thing. A month ago we went to one marriage counseling appt and he blind sided me. Just a week before he told me he wanted us and had ended it then at MC told me I love you but don’t want to hurt you. I am not sure I can give up the affair, went on about bad marriage, etc… I countered with good things, told him this hurt and told the MC that I still felt our connection. He basically fled afterwards and I left for the evening. Fast forward a couple of days and I went out with friends and left my wedding rings on his dresser. Next day he was super nice and Monday was the lovey dovey man I married. Fast forward a couple of weeks and he was very angry that I was not showing him more that I wanted and desired him. Talk about a shock as he had been pushing me away. So I wrote him a letter telling him what I want and he acted scared again…
So after 5 months, where are we??? He is home, we get along great, have sex a couple times a week but he still is not in the promised Individual Counseling and I am just plain getting tired.
I am trying to be positive but here it is he is over an hour late and he can not even bother calling or texting…. He is very selfish and at times makes me feel as if I am the one who cheated.
So at this point do I keep this up, set more boundaries or what? His family is working on getting him into therapy as they see he needs it. My family, well let us just say we do not agree on much right now, they want me to kick him out. So I decided to make couples plans, tired of not doing anything and am trying hard to not bring up emotions right now. But his rant a week ago about wanting me, wanting me to show my desire for him and then 5 days later pushing me away (he is very stressed with work, he is self employed). I can not figure this man out and it is mentally exhausting me plus I find I want a drink every night, something I never do.
Dear Jules, I am reading your post about your man and his actions. Your life and mine are exactly the same! I have been married for almost 24yrs too, and I know what your are feeling inside. My husband did the same thing, blamed me for everything then became all lovey the next day. We would have fights and he blamed me for his anger, I wasn’t giving him enough sex, to spending all his money though I work too. His stress at work was extreme also, he even had moments where he was so mad he punched holes in two walls. I kicked him out for months at a time and he would always come crying back for forgiviness. We tried marriage counseling too only to hear from him he loves me but he is not in love with me. That hurt the most and we stopped going to therapy. I even stopped talking to him unless I had too. Once he was out he realize how good he had it, I took him back twice in a a six month period. A part of me felt something was always off about him. Midlife crisis? Something? I always took him back after he said his many sorry’s! But the fights continued for 3yrs I was never happy and just had this feeling something was wrong with him. Well I caught him texting his GF in another state( because I have his passwords to everything) and I lost it! I told him I am done being made a fool of for 4yrs. He begged me to not throw him out. I didn’t, I just listened to him though I wanted to kill him! He finally told me he was and Alcoholic and has been drinking for over 5 yrs. I knew about most of his drinking but not all. This is why his personality changed 4yrs ago. The mans ego is so fragile that he won’t take any blame until it’s too late. Marriage take two people but he was yo yo me back and forth for yrs that finaly somehting gave and it was him. Not doing anything right now is OK! For months at a time I did nothing while we were apart. When I was felt like it I saw divorce lawyers on my own just to find out info. I even printed out papers from on line sites to make him see how angry and pissed I was and needed to move on. He begged me not to divorce him yet. I still haven’t and probably wont. I do believe in marriage until death do us part, but divorce is only the last option if I feel my life is in danger or his mental state is unstable. Be strong though I know Its hard. My life has been a mess for 4yrs and finally it’s getting back on track! My husband is in AA now and he is acting like the man I married 24yrs ago!. Don’t loose hope.
Jules,
I am not sure if you got my last message (hopefully it wont show up twice), I spent some time writing it but when I hit to reply button for some reason it did not save (grrr). So this is the short version, all I was saying is that it’s not fair that he is playing with your emotions. He should not be in a position where one day he wants to be married and the next day he is like never mind – not fair to you at all. So this is just my opinion, but what I would say is this.
“I have been with you through this ordeal for x months, and I think I have done a great job in supporting you. Now it’s time for you to help me out. I do not have enough energy anymore to entertain your thoughts of staying or leaving the marriage. Either you are in or out. So you have 2 days to make a decision as what you want to do. You have had a long time to think about this and I deserve a straight answer in all fairness to me, as a wife I should not even be in this position. If you decide you want to work things out, it has to be 100%, and it will be hard work. We will have to work on building trust, our feeling, sex, ect. You will feel uncomfortable at times but if you think the marriage is valuable, you will put in the effort. If you are not 100% committed, then I have to make plans to move on. This is a difficult thing to recover from in a marriage and anything less than a 100% committed effort from you is unacceptable. I deserve a straight answer. And if you say your committed, that means all the games, the secret phones, internet, ect, has to be open, you should have nothing to hide, if this is going to work, we have to work on building trust and that is not going to happen with secrets. So if we work this out, and I find out 1 little white lie, I will immediately make plans to leave.
I know it sounds harsh, but I am trying to protect you from the pain of him going back and forth with you for months on this. You have to get a little stern with him so him knows your emotions are not to be played with and that you are not going to accept it. Force him to make a decision. That way, either way you will know that you at least gave him an option, after that the ball is in his court. Hope this helps! If you decide to do this, hopefully once you hear from his either way, you might not want to drink as much
.
Lisa,
Great advice and respond to Jules, probably better than mine because your husband’s stories are so similar! Lisa, your story is very inspiring, I hope one day you will consider posting it on the positive recovery stories section of the site (a tab on the home page), I desperately want stories of women that stayed with their husbands and feel good, it is important for those stories to be shared.
Re-reading my comment, I sometimes can come off very harsh tone in pushing husbands to action when it comes to emotions for women because I just don’t like to hear wives emotions being dealt with like a ping pong ball. And I know I am a little bias because I left my husband, and although I try to be neutral, I know my personal situation comes off in my comments. At the same time, I know that everyone deals with life in a different manner, and it’s such a hard call as to if you should stay and work things out or leave. I have heard from women that deal with cheating for 10 years and are still going through it, and then I hear stories like yours and think ‘Wow, aren’t you glad you stayed?”. This is such a difficult situation but I am so glad that you are in a position to give hope to others. Keep posting
Jules I hope you know that no matter what you decide to do, the important thing is that either way you can always come back to the site and get support and encouragement from this community.
Im so comforted to have found this site. I just found out that my husband of 1 year is having an affair with a very young girl at his work. I figured it out through his text messages and emails. He claims there was nothing physical but the emails where xrated, which leads me to believe that there was. When I confronted him he yelled at me for going through his phone and email, I almost felt like I should apologize! I was firm when telling him that he needed to stop. The next few coversations with him where horrible…. I tried to explain to him that he hasnt only distroyed our marrige but now this young girl ( 15 years younger ) is waiting for him to leave me…. talk about a reality check! He has promised me that he ended it but she continues to contact him. And to make matters worse, he’s her boss! Now he’s concerned about his job. A few days after I confronted him, I checked his email and texts again, to then realize that this young girl has true feelings for my husband. He claims that she is just a co-worker but when I ask him why they exchange xrated text messages and emails, he changes the subject to me checking his personal messages. I am still living in our home with him because I am not working and he is the only source of income in the home. I feel like he holds the cards. It takes every ounce of my being to hold back from confornting this girl. But I know it takes two to tango.
My husband and I where together for 14 years before we got married, why would he wait till we where married to do something like this??
I discovered my husband’s affair about 14 months ago and made the decision to stay. I’ve got to be perfectly honest that if there was a guide that he was following to doing everything to put this right then it is one great guide. He has been in counselling with me since March, he’s been remorseful, sorrowful, he’s done everything to put this right. He said straight up that he was trapped in a position that he was scared to get out of because of the manipulation and in counselling we have been working on his ‘pleaser’ issues, he’s never seen her since although she has been in contact with him and he has been transparent to me in his contact back to let her know that their ‘affair’ was nothing more than an awful awful mistake, that he loves me and should not have been involved in this affair.
It’s been an upward struggle and there are still days when I cry and I’m angry (very angry), but it’s getting there and we are both thankful for our second chance to get this right.
Hello Corabella,
I am glad you are happy to have found this site!!
Your husband should be very concerned about his job, because he now unfortunately put himself in a very uncomfortable position where this girl carries the fate of his job. At any moment she can send those emails to whoever she feels like. And typically young girls catch feelings fast and do really silly things when they don’t get their way. Don’t feel bad your husband put his job on the line – MANY cheaters do this, let’s not go down the list of A-list stars who send photo’s and pics of themselves to girls, only to have it blasted on the nightly news, so your husband is not alone.
Now as far as you, that line of why are you looking through my email is not cool at all. If that is the only thing he has to say about the whole thing, then in my personal opinion, he is still in the blame game state. Most men play the blame game when they are first caught, they either say, it’s your fault cause you looked through my mail, or I meant for you to see this, that is what you get for sneaking on my, or you cheated as well, it’s all a defense mechanism to avoid the conversation and not accept blame for what they did. So it seems like your husband is in that state and unfortunately, you can’t force him into another state, he has to get there on his own.
In my personal opinion, I know you want to confront the girl, but realize that she is young, immature and is super excited that boss man stroked her ego. And immature girls do immature things, I personally would focus on myself, not the husband because he is in denial about being at fault, not the girl because she is immature and who knows what she is going if you talk to her. I want you to focus on YOU because YOU are the only thing you can control right now. What do you want to do? What are your feelings, where do you want to take this? If your husband continues to change the subject every time you bring it up (which is super-annoying), what will you do? If he is sorry and wants to work things out (and be open about emails since this is a marriage), what would you do? If you decide to leave, what would you do? If you decide to stay, what you would you do? Of course this is just my personal opinion in hopes of giving you some perspective, I hope you read this and end up doing whatever you feel is right for you in this situation, as you know your husband best. I wish you the best!
Hello Welshborn,
Great story, thanks for sharing!!
Hi Jewels,
I am shocked at how many women this happens to… I never thought I would be one of them though. My story starts a mere 3 weeks ago, when I found out that my husband has been having an online affair via a social network game chat…turned out he created an e-mail address for the purpose of sending private letters, stories and pictures to not just one woman, but at least 3. I found out quite by accident…I on one computer and he on another and he forgot to log out of the one I was on…up comes a chat”Hey babe…miss you…etc.”…he was chatting with one of them as I was on the other computer 6 ft away. I was devastated to say the least…no idea that this had been happening under my nose, he said for 2 weeks…so because it was online and not in person and he broke it off, I let him back into my world…believing it was over and he said because we had drifted apart…which due to life, kids, etc, we had a bit…but we have been married 16 years, this was a pattern and we always came around and were able to get through it!!We had 2 marriage counselling sessions, set up by him…they were amazing… So we had a wonderful 2 weeks of basically falling in love again…feeling like these were the best 2 weeks of our marriage, made amazing love many times…he kept telling me how sorry he was and that it was me he loved and he was just in a dark place etc. I believed him and was learning to forgive but 2 days ago found out that there were 2 other women and porn sites as well…one of the women he was planning a meeting with at a hotel, while he was away on business… I found this all out by constantly watching his messages and reading e-mails, mail history etc. He gave me his passwords, but not to the one e-mail address I found…but it had the same password. I am again devastated…I confronted him 2 days ago…he said this was all in the same time frame and he had broken it off and cancelled their meeting weeks ago…I do believe he was still talking to her during our 2 “Amazing weeks” that we fell in love again though, not much but didn’t seem to break it off completley…although I have found some of the messages…he chatted others that I can’t see….he assured me that they would not be at the hotel together…he is actually staying with relatives, which I know for a fact…but saw a message from her from only yesterday saying that she was disappointed and upset that he basically used her as a “f^%k friend”, online sex I guess… they have never met… I had asked him to unfriend her from the social network he was using(she lives in another area…far away,)and it pissed me off that she was still on his friend list!!..more suspician arose..he is on that business trip now…I have been recieving texts from him and he is promising that all is well…somehow I know he isn’t lying…I believe him…he cried in my arms the other night over how sorry and screwed up he was to do this to me…I am staying because I believe he was lost and was trying to fulfill some sort of need that he wasn’t getting from me…I am angry and hurt as hell that he chose to do it in this way and will not be played for fool though and he now knows this…I have told him that if he is lying to me and betrays me in any way anymore, that I will leave and there will be no more chances…. my feelings right now keep wavering as I only found out about the “hotel meeting” the other day and feel like I could throw up at the thought that my husband nearly had sex with another woman….As he is away now, I have been crying, angry and hoping he will not betray me…I am still so hurt and want so badly to get over this hurdle and learn to trust him again…but he has to earn it…and luckily he does know that…
To: Why me, Your story is mine as well as every other womans. It took my husband 4yrs to understand what he was doing was cheating. He thought as long as he didn’t really touch these women but only emailed them he was ok. But he almost took it to the next level. I found hotel reservations with a hooker at $175 an hour on a Wednesday at noon. But the time frame was when we were on our family vacation in Disneyland so I knew it never happend. He couldn’t be in two places at once. The only time he realized it was cheating was when his AA sponsor (a woman in her 60′s) told him so. My husband also thought that he was just having fun and that I was taking it away from him and a man of 50yrs shouldn’t have to answer to anyone because he was self made. Ego trip is what these women give our men! They tell them how hot they are and they fall for it. Ego is what drives men to do things without thinking. My husband told me many times that he would take me back if I did this to him. (yeah right!) He couldn’t handle it if I did. Sometimes these men have an addiction to this sexting as well as porn, the two go hand in hand. So ladies watch out and always go with your gut feelings they are NEVER wrong!!
i stayed to try it for are kids there happy i stayed am tired of being so mad and angry what do i do i want my life back with or with out him write know i hate him so much and i still love him it been a year since it happend i never learn how to forgive i dont think he can be forgive i just need for me to be better for my kids
to lady bee: I tried to forgive the first time but I couldn’t even though I said it to him it didn’t stick. Because deep down I knew he would still cheat on me. It has been 4 1/2 yrs of ups and down and not trusting then trying to trust. Then he blew me out of the water 3months ago talking to the OW again. This time he took responsibility for his actions. Begged me not to throw him out again, (this would be the third time in 4yrs) But this time he ment it. How do I know? Well he gave me all his passwords to everything switched his phone back to our family plan and started going to AA meetings not just for his Alcoholism but sex addiction too. Alot of cheating is done with other addictions, porn, booze you name it. He said he had no control anymore of his life and his family is what he wanted. So yesterday after a bad morning of me picking at him and pushing his buttons. I said to myself I am not happy! But why? I figured it out, I hadn’t forgiven him though he was trying to make us work. He was bettering himself and I was still stuck being mad! I still loved him through all he had done but rarely said it to him. So yesterday I forgive him and told him I love him, so I can be happy again not just for him to feel better but for me. We had a very loving night and woke up to great sex (which hasn’t happened in a long time.) I actually felt LOVED and was actually able to give LOVE back. I feel unbelievable today.
Forgiveness doesn’t have to happen at all, but when it does it feels good for youself. It only took me 4 1/2 yrs to do it.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything and I’ve been in rehab (not real rehab just talking about my snooping problem) and I’ve been so good for not going threw my husband’s stuff. Well this past Sat my husband’s cell phone alarm was going off. I turned it off, but then proceeded to look threw his text messages. Did I get a surprise!! His kids mother says she’s PREGNANT!!! My husband says she’s lying and she was hoping that I would see the text. She wants him to get a divorce and be a “family with their kids”.
How can you (talking about myself) dislike a person you have never met? She doesn’t want to meet me and doesn’t want her kids around me. Please keep in mind that they are 13 and 14 years old. This woman is delusional!!! They were broken up before I started dating him which was 12 years ago!!! She started this “he’s mines” when we got married 4 years ago. Now he’s mad at me for going threw his phone and once again wants me to move out!!! I’m geeting tired of fighting about this little girl she’s 8 years older then me but is acting like I stole her toy!!! When do you know when to threw in the towel, put up the white flag and say you win!!! She’s not going anywhere becasue they have kids togather, but I’m tired of her. I told my husband he needs to STOP whatever he is doing to keep this girl holding on!! He’s not total off the hook because he started it by having sex with her (he says he never did) anyway, there’s still an emotional involvement relationship between the two. Why after 4 year would she still be singing the same tired @$$ song!!?? I want us to be a family!! MOVE ON!!! I know I would have. Correct me if I’m wrong but it doesn’t take 4 years to leave someone. Could she really be so closed minded that she can’t see outside of the box to move on?? She can only see what she wants and willing to keep holding on?? It’s not like we have money and property to fight over!!!
I statred to trust him again, I even forgave him so I don’t know why I went threw his phone? I’ve seen his phone laying around and never gave it a second thought to pick it up. Now I’m wondering if it was a set up and she was just waiting for her plan to work. I’m not mad and I’m not even sad. I just want her to move on. Am I wrong for feeling like this???
Hello Why Me,
Yes it is happening all over the world, you are not alone. The first thing that popped out was that he set up counseling sessions – good sign, most men don’t make the effort, and the fact that he knows he has to earn trust again, another good sign, what most men say is ‘just get over it’. It seems like the counseling was working in your favor until you saw the other trigger of the hotel set up. I think you really are on the right track, tell him he needs to tell you everything now, because if you get blindsided again with another secret email account or info that you did not know about, than he will have to suffer the consequences. I was like you, I told my husband ok, you cheated, i will stay married and we will work it out, but if I catch you in another lie or find out you are still talking to that women, it’s over. He kept talking to her and it hurt me so bad to know in my heart that i had to leave, I had to stick to my word because if I didn’t, he would continue to lie to me. I want you to know that you do not have to hope and wish or even wonder. Your alert system is so high, you will know if he is doing something. I hope that the both of you are able to continue counseling and save the marriage. Good luck!!
Hello Lady Bee,
You said it’s been a year, do you feel that your husband is still cheating or do you think it’s over. It’s important that you deal with your anger. Staying in a marriage, feeling miserable, but staying for the kids is tough. I am sure your kids want a happy mom and that is just as important as marriage itself, because kids watch you and they learn how to live through you. So we need mom to get back to herself, and in order to do that, you have to get to the bottom of your anger. Are you able to talk to your husband about it?
Hello Jennifer,
I must say I did get a good laugh reading the first few lines around your rehab (especially when I thought I read ‘snorting’ instead of snooping…lol. Now on a more serious note, I want you to know something just from observation. I read your update twice, and it seems to very ‘she is crazy’ which is fine, but I totally agree with what you mentioned as far as thinking about what your husband is doing to aid this. He may not be doing anything at all at this point, but if he knows she is crazy, and he slept with her, at this point there should be no interaction with her except for conversations around kids, anything else it your husband entertaining, and it he keeps entertaining, even in the slightest way, she will take whatever she can get, and that is going to impact your marriage. It’s ok that you looked through his phone, I personally not too happy with his response of ‘why are you looking through my phone?’ it seems like he is trying to avoid the subject. He did sleep with someone else, so it shouldn’t be a shock that your curious, and it’s not like you do it everyday since you are in rehab. I agree with what you said to your husband about giving her something to hold on to – and sex is a big one, she probably thinks her chances are great. I guess I am saying all of this to say if this women is crazy and they have to interact with each other, all communications (phone calls, visits, texts) should be about the kids only, they should have nothing else to talk about. If she is implying that he is the father, fine, I would say get a test and until then, no interaction with the kids mom unless it is about the kids, anything else would be to suspicious given the circumstances. Thanks for the update, keep us posted.
About 3 months ago I found out my husband of 5 months (yes, only 5months) decided to have an affair with a 22 year old. I found out the hard way…she texted me pictures of my husband naked with a note “look familiar”. Even through the hurt, blame, and embarrassment I decided to stay and work on it. He immediately owned up to cheating and begged for forgiveness and asked me to stay. Being someone who truly believes in “for better or for worse”…I stuck through it. However, after moving states away shortly after finding out about the divorce he asks me to leave because of his “guilt”…he told me everytime he looked at me all he could see was the guilt. I tried my best and put everything I could into rebuilding my marriage..but after a month he gave up because he “simple could not forgive himself for hurting me so bad.”
oops I meant “after shortly finding out about the affair..he asks me to leave and for a divorce..
Hello Leah,
Welcome to the site. It’s interesting dynamic that he feels so bad that he wants a divorce. It leads me to believe he actually feels bad for what he did. At the end of the day, it might be a better position to end it only because it’s hard to stay in marriage when one person is not wanting to stay married (especially if infidelity is involved). And as you can see from all the post, it is extremely hard to recover from this, it’s possible, but takes a ton of work. I know you have only been married 5 months, but maybe it’s good that you know now versus 20 years from now when your entire life is vested. It sucks because you just got married, you were at the point where you are about to begin a wonderful journey until you got that horrible text (who does that sends a text saying ‘sounds familiar’?, oh yeah, a 22 year old). I said it’s interesting because usually it’s the other way around, meaning usually us as women are the ones that are reminded of the affair every time we look at our husbands, in your case, it’s the opposite. Take care.
I would like to thank Welshborn also. I have search high and low for a story about couples trying again. I’m about to hit 25 and have been with my guy for just over 8 years. Lived together the whole time. I thought we were ok for a young couple. His little brother lives with us now and had moved his girlfriend in. You can guess what happened. She is obviously not living with us anymore. I’m nervous for a lot of reasons. 8 years is a long time. My feelings haven’t wavered. His brother is also trying to make it work with her. She has a really bad history with killing people’s trust with her. My guy does not. I hope that his brother doesn’t get caught in her trap. I hope they can mend their brother-ship. I hope I’m not making the wrong decision. But I would rather be heartbroken knowing as a strong woman, I tried, then not trying at all. But that’s my situation. I hope to see more stories like these. The issue I am struggling with is that I still find him attractive and I love him and that love is very raw right now. I don’t want to give him that “I got away with it” feeling but I crave that closeness. When do I know it’s right to be intimate with him again?
Ok so I thought things were going good until I found some emails between my husband and a co worker that I did not like! But if I confront him he’s gonna be pissed I looked at his phone. I know that’s ridiculous but he always turns it around. I’m so pissed right now and I’m having a hard time hiding it! I’ve been trying to rebuild this marriage and this is not working. I gotta ask what’s the point for him to try like hell to make things right but he’s flirting with this women at work. I’m not ok with it not after everything I’ve been through. I have 3 boys all under the age of 11 I have no job and no family to turn to. What am I supposed to do just keep letting him hurt me I feel so lost,alone and stupid!
Hello RaeRae,
It seems like your boyfriends brother is still trying to see this lady? That is interesting. I am glad she is no longer living there. To answer your question around intimacy, not sure if there is a right time to do it, but I would encourage you to use protection, if anything it’s to show him that you are not going to put yourself on the line for something that would do something like that. Just be careful with him, I do not want you to end up like most of the women on the site if you can prevent it. Take Care.
Hello Tina,
Sorry you are still dealing with his hurtful actions. The fact that he always turns it around is not a good sign, to me that means he has not accepted what he has done, he is still trying to deflect onto you. Is he willing to go to therapy? If you are at the point where you think he is not going to stop, and you do not want to be in the marriage, you have options. I know that you have 3 kids under the age of 11 and not working, but you have options. Do you live in the US? If so, from a legal standpoint you have options. It took me a year from the time I wanted to leave until I actually walked out, because I did not feel I could leave, didn’t feel I had any options. But once I started changing that story and staying to myself that I can and will leave this marriage, things started happening, doors started to open and a year later I left. I say that to say to you, if you decide to leave, it’s ok to take time to plan out how that would look, and wait until you feel more comfortable to leave. But just know that you have options. And you are not stupid – you love and trusted your husband, no crime in that, we all went through it. Take Care!
I found out my husband (of 5 years) had been cheating on 5th Feb. I found a few emails on MY LAPTOP to his ex, all seemed innocent, maily how are u, congratulations on the kids etc but it led me to search for more. I found a second fbk account and calls and texts to someone he knew through work.
Some of the texts were sexual. Some were asking how she was feeling. He’d call her up for a chat. I think that hurts more, knowing he was needing someone to talk to and he picked her. I know they didnt meet up as one of the texts was “so when are we finally going to meet” so i felt slightly better. Then i found out he had masturbated with someone from his past just after xmas. And text to meet up more but was turned down. I am devistated.
Ppl keep saying its been 9 months and i should be getting over it but im just not. Hes been making every effort. He booked counselling, i didnt like it and only went to a few sessions. He left his job. He changed his number. He got rid of his laptop. He has made a real effort with our two children (1 & 4). He has taken me to paris and off on other weekend breaks, He bought me a gorgeous diamond ring. He waits on me hand and foot and does all the household chores now (maily cos im like th eliving dead and living in a daze most of the time).
Nothing he does makes any difference. Im SO ANGRY! I still spend alot of time in tears. He keeps saying he wants me and only me, he was a fool. he realised what he could lose.
I want to believe him and i want to be how it was before i knew but i cant, not cos i wont but cos i dont know how to. Its always with me. I feel like a zombie. i dont know whether to end it or not. Im so frightened and miserable.
I found out a year ago that husband hasn’t stopped cheating. We have been married 22 years and throughout, I was aware of 3 affairs he had and we addressed each one with counseling. The first two he was sorry for but never said sorry for number three. The counseling ended with me needing to do better because something is missing is a man cheats. The man, just needs to stop cheating.
He began to get really weird and distant in 2010 and for the first time, asked me to leave so he could “be happy and live his own life”. He wasn’t working as I let him quit because he said he was too stressed. But when I wouldn’t allow my paycheck to pay for his bills, he began to get serious about treatment. 3 months later, he confessed to 2 more affairs. We separarated for 8 months and I was filng for divorce. I had enough. He began seeing a counselor and I was too and I was asked to wait a year before deciding to file for divorce. I agreed. He has been very remorsefula nd repentent about what he has done and has ap0logized for everything.
During our marriage, he did not like to show outward expressions of affection through gifts or flowers. Even our wedding vows were cut to the bare minimum. He was nice and didn’t abuse but was just not there emotinoally for me or the kids. He would look up old girlffriends and when I confronted him I would get “we’re just friends”. I took over being the parent and the household since he worked and it stressed him out. It didn’t bother him that I also worked a full-time job.
Through the counseling, I have found out the depth of his betrayals and how little I really mattered. He has begged me not to leave and has said that he is no longer blind. But, I can’t get over the prior affairs, the new affairs and how little he really cared about me or our kids.
Now, I am older (47) and am having to ask myself why am I staying and waiting? I love him but hate the person I realized I was really living with. I dont’ know if I should just file for divorce and call it over. It is now a year and he has been consistently doing things he has never done before but I am afraid that it will end as soon as I say I will stay. The pain of his betrayal is something I am having a hard time getting over. I know the pain will still be there even if he is gone but I can’t seem to move past it.
I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me and I have no direction, energy or desire to do anything anymore. I just think about him and all that he has done. I need some help.
Annie, I was angry for 4 1/2 yrs. I kept finding text and emails and meeting places with OW. He never made actual contact with these people it was all a fantasy. My husband is 52 now but started all this at 48yrs old and always with very young women 18yrs old or younger. I called him out on this and found out he did most of it while drunk! Now after 4 1/2 yrs he is in AA and begging me to not throw him out. I finally forgave him last week because I had to forgive myself too. It was not my fault but his. In those 4 1/2 yrs I threw him out twice saw a divorce mediator but still I never filed nor did he. something kept us together but he continued to hide things for 4 1/2 yrs. He now understands I can’t trust him and he knows I may never give it to him. I forgave him for me… to release my anger. I have released it but I haven’t forgotten what he did. Those are two different things. do what you want to there is no wrong or right and there is no deadline to make a decision.
To Why Me
I thought when I read your story it was thats me. Our stories are so similar. Websites, texts but no actual meetings. I still consider it cheating as he went there in his head. We have been married 6 years together 8 and I have found that my husband has cheated pretty much from the start. Went to counselling together and to our separate cousellors. He has promised he had deleted all contacts and then I happen to find a text on his phone 2 months later from one girl he obviously kept in contact with. I decided to separate but he begged me to wait and see how I felt after our overseas trip. I have now come back from my trip and to my total and utter shock am pregnant. I was told by a specialist that I was not able to conceive. I am still full of anger, resentment, frustration and insecurities. I know he no longer is in contact with the last girl as I pretended to be him and told her the truth that he was married. She had no idea and said they were spose to meet up. She is alot younger than me which makes me feel ill. I now have to consider the future alot more carefully as its not just me that a marriage breakup is going to affect. It has been about 5 months since I found the texts etc and I feel I am not even close to forgiving my husband.
How long do you go on feeling like your living in limbo? Not deciding either way. I really havent decided either way. One minute im in tears and calling our family solicitor and the next i’m in his arms hoping if he holds me tight enough it will all go away.
I want to forgive for me but i dont know how to do that. I dont know how to stop bringing it up every time something on TV or a song reminds me.
I feel humiliated. Ive realised how often men get it at home is not the reason they cheat but now i dont want to see my friends cos i feel so humiliated incase they are thinking that about me about me. Pitying me. Thinking it was my fault.
We talked last night and he doesnt want to leave, i couldnt manage if he did with work and going back to college. Is that a reason to stay with someone?
Have any of you watched that film “Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind”? I wish my mind could be wiped so it was all happy.
Hello Annie,
Don’t feel bad that it’s been 9 months, this is a long process, it took me 2 years, so please understand this is a very emotional journey. After reading your story, it appears the problem is that you have not focused on your recovery. There are some pinned up emotions inside of you and until you address those emotions, the marriage will be in the state that it is. Your husband can do everything in the world, if you keep seeing memories of those texts every time you see him, it’s going to be hard to bond the marriage back together. I really recommend that you personally go to see a therapist, this is one of the most difficult situations you will face, it deserves some professional help if you can afford it. Start carving out some more time for you, if you do those two things, your decision on whether to stay or leave will not be easier, but you will have more data to help aid the decision. I really believe you are in such limbo because you haven’t considered your own healing in this process.
As far as your friends, I understand the embarrassment (did you read my posts on embarrassment) from the affair? But you have to start to open up to somebody. Keeping it all bottled up is going to be too stressful. If they already know about the affair, then talk to them. If they act crazy or not understanding, then they don’t need to be your friend. Most people (some will say hurtful things) understand how sensitive affairs are and once I started opening up, it was amazing how many others experience it as well. Mark my words, once you start opening up about it, you will find other stories, even within your own family. I do not want you to talk about it until you feel ready, but once you do, I do not think you will regret it. But again this all depends on if your friends already know at this point and time. Take Care!
Theresa,
I am sure one of the reasons you feel so depleted is because you are constantly dealing with his drama, and like I mentioned with Annie, in the process, probably lost yourself. It appears that you have put in years of time and effort dedicated to affair recovery, and that is very draining, it seems like you are burned out and tired of dealing with his games and issues around why he can’t stop cheating, which is understandable. Two things for you, I would really put a pause on focusing on the marriage, you seem so use to focusing on the marriage it might be shocking for you not to focus on the marriage. With the new time – focus the attention on your wants and passions, and something bigger than you (which is how you get your mind off him all the time – it works!). For instance if you like art, with the time you spend on the marriage, spend it on art, and maybe even look into volunteering for an after school art program. For all the years of struggle, you deserve to give yourself some time. And what will happen is that those efforts will help to neutralize your mind (for lack of a better word) and then you will be in a better position to decide to stay or leave. Just my 2 cents!
Thanks for your encouragement. I met with my counselor last week who suggested the same thing. Focus on myself, my healing and quit focusing so much on the marriage. When we separated, I enrolled in college to work on my Master’s degree. That has been helping but not totally able to focus on school as my emotions keep fogging things up. I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and know that I will make it with or without him.
Just thought I would post an update.
I left the family home at the weekend, very rushed, as I have started divorce proceedings.
At the minute we are staying with my parents, and I am awaiting confirmation of a rental property, (keeping my fingers crossed!)
The atmosphere in the home had got worse and worse over the last few weeks.
I had originally told him I wanted a trial separation, but his behaviour towards me proved that, despite saying he didn’t want the relationship to end, he showed no remorse for his actions. At one point even saying he was glad he had an affair! He also commented that he would bring his chid up with more manners and respect than my children had.
Amazing as his child is the child that is a result of his affair, and the same child he has had nothing to do with for the whole 35 months of its life.
My children are the children he has raised for the last 14 years!
He has deleted their phone numbers and deleted them off facebook!
Life is hard at the minute. I won’t pretend otherwise. I have no money and feel very down!
However, I do not miss him and the stress invilved with him. I just miss the familiarality of my life. I had lived in my home for 17 years, him 8 years, yet I have been forced out!
Please don’t think that everyone should leave. If you can make it work, then great, but don’t feel a failure if you can’t.
I have spent over 3 years trying to put right my marriage, but couldn’t do it alone, which is what I was trying to do. I miss being part of a couple. I miss being married, but my future needs to be with someone who compliments me, not drags me down and sucks the life out of me
@ Caz just read your post and u give me hope. I have been trying to rebuild my marriage for the past year and he is just sucking the life out of me! I wanted more than anything for this to work but right now all I want is my independence and selfworth back so I started therapy today hoping this will help me get back the women I was before his affair. And whatever road it leads me down at least I will know I’m worth it! Your husband seems to be a little inmature as most are but I wish u the best of luck and most of all happiness!
Annie,
You need to take as much time as you need, make no decisions in haste. Rocovery takes years & years, when I found out I told a friend who started to cry, admitting that 11 years earlier her husband had had an affair & that she couldn’t talk to me as it brought back to many bad memories (she stayed with him).
Three years ago I found out about my husband’s affair & I don’t need to tell you what it feels like, all the lies & hurt. That was the start of what I call “ground hog day” , a new kind of life living with constant pain. Re living every moment of my time over the period of his affair, seeing clearly now where I had missed so many signs. I had two nearly adult children who I had been virtually sole parent for at the time so I decided to take time, time for myself before making such life changing decisions. I still was very much in love with my husband but didn’t know if I could recover with him. I moved out & rented & walked & walked, & thought & thought for weeks. My husband would come over for dates. It is now three years since that most horrible day when he told me and we have been through hell & back. My husband always said he didn’t want to leave & that he loved me more than anything but his behaviour didn’t always equal what he was saying. It seems that he was having a great deal of trouble facing up to the pain & being responsible for all the hurt. It took many many months for him to actually “get it”. That his confident wife was a shattered wreck. He came to the understanding that our marriage was like a garden that he had neglected & that it was his responsibility to “tend” the garden to make it bloom again. It was my responsibility to get better. He had been having his affair for three years so we decided to give our marriage three years to see if we could work it out.It has been a very hard road with lots of anger & tears. I don’t check his phone as much any more & tonight is the first time he is going to a work cocktail party & I know the other woman is there & I am almost ok with this. Men are differrent, they don’t seem to need to talk everything through as we do, they just seem to want to move on & forget.
Annie, I have learnt the hard way to look after myself. In April I started loosing my hair until I needed a wig, I also have other symptoms, all related to stress. But I do know that it has been the right decision for both of us to stay together, we are again lovers, best friends & partners. Time is a great hearler but it will take a lot of patience on your husbands part, remember he is the course so he must fix it, with your help. GOOD LUCK
I found a sim card for a mobile phone with three womens numbers in it, text messages and call history to all three. When I confronted him he never fully admitted having affairs with all three. I knew something was going on but I never imagined what was really going on. He begged me to give it another try. That was about 5 years ago. I stayed with him! He really made an effort, more than he had ever done before. We spent loads of time together it was the same excitment of a new relationship. Things went ok for a little while we had a second child, which I definatly do not regret. Now I never see my husband, always some excuse, out most weekends. Takes trips with his friends. My self asteem is at rock bottom. I’ve got to the point that I’ve been hurt that much I have no feelings left I feel numb. I can’t admit this to any one because I’ve put my family through this once already. I have never felt so unattractive or been so lonely. To the world I would never admit this. And I have bought another child in to this.
Theresa,
No problem at all, so happy you enrolled in college and did something for you – awesome – keep doing that and keep us posted.
Thanks for the update Caz,
Working on a marriage where the other party is not working on it is one of the most draining experiences ever, like you said, it sucks the life out of you. What I realized after I left was that I was so committed to holding on to that dream of the house, the husband, the money, that I was sacrificing myself for the illusion. My health was going down fast because I was trying to control someone that was constantly disappointing me. I finally let go, I let go of the need to control the outcome, I let go of the need to make him realize how hurtful his words were, I let go of trying to make him understand the impact of his choices. And when I did that,I felt like a ton of bricks were lifted. And it took me a while from that point to the point where I moved out, but boy when I moved, it was almost as if I got my sanity back. The negative energy of the marriage went away and started to see a vision of me being happy again.
I totally agree with you that if you can make it work, great. Many women on this site have worked hard on their marriage. What’s most important is how you feel, whether you stay or leave. And most of the time, the husband has to be committed to making it work and taking actions towards bonding, not against it.
And as far as him deleting his own kids from facebook, etc., you know what, this is going to be a great lesson for them that your kids are going to learn at a very early age that they have to have a strong sense of self, and not to depend on anyone’s action for their self worth and self-esteem. Make sure they understand that people do things for various reasons that often have to do with themselves, and not outside parties. I know it’s hard because he is their father, but I do see a positive in that if they learn that lesson now, they will lead lives that are rich and fulfilling, because when you make yourself a priority, you fill your tank up, so that you have enough gas to share, and at the same time, you never run out because you are filling your own tank, not depending on others gas (hopefully that makes sense
. I wish I would of learned that years ago.
Jenny, great story, thanks for sharing!
Hello Sally,
I will first tell you not to feel bad that you gave him another chance. The way I see it, if he is indeed cheating again, and you decide to leave, at least you can leave with the pride knowing that you did your part, you gave him a second chance. You can leave with your head held high knowing you gave it your best shot. You mentioned that during that time you had the same excitement of a new relationship. Whatever is going on now does not erase those good times of the past.
His actions do not define you, he defines himself by his actions, you define yourself by your actions. I know he can make you feel unattractive, I was right there with you at one point in my life. But I realized one day that if I continue to lean on him for my self worth, I will always be disappointed. Even more importantly, when I realized that if I lean on anyone for my self worth, I am setting myself up for disappointment. So that is why I started leaning on myself, and my entire life changed. It can happen for you as well, I know it can. People cheat for various reasons, but those reasons are a reflection of them. His cheating does not define how attractive you are. ( I know models that get cheated on, so it’s not about looks
. It seems like your husband going out constantly is taking you right back to that place you were when this happened the first time. It seems like at this point you don’t know for sure that he is cheating, but his actions are very similar to the last time years ago. Would you be able to talk to him about how this is making your feel? Do you think he would understand?
If you feel that you can’t talk to anyone, use this site to communicate, I don’t want you to feel alone, read the stories and know that you are not alone. Are you in a position to get counseling? Things will get better, keep in touch.
I found out last month that my husband cheated. It totally crushed me! We’ve been married for 7 years, have 3 kids, (one is mine from a previous marriage). I thought that things were all good, until we both have gotten this rash under our armpits. I thought that it was from my new razor I got, (new brand, with some kind of gel stuff on it) But then he broke down crying and told me that he had the same kind of rash, and that he cheated. He’s a carpenter, and has been working for this woman (15-20 years his senior! And that really made me feel bad!) for a while helping her to remodel her house. He also works off shore, so he’s gone 4 weeks at a time. He said that they developed a friendship, and apparently it got more than that! He’s home now from his time out, and things are getting bad again, we are arguing , and he’s acting weird again. I think that he may be bipolar, or something like that, and my councaler said that she thinks that he may be a sex addict. I don’t know what to think, I’ve had that thought many times, but chalked it up to him being male, they need sex 24/7, and think about it the same amount of time. I don’t know what to do, I love him, and don’t want to break up our family. But I don’t know at this moment if I still “love” him. He’s also afraid that he’s contracted HIV. He can be very paranoid about things though. He’s always been that way about medical things. I want to work this out, but from day to day, don’t know if he dose. HELP!
I’m not sure if this thread is still open… But it seemes very helpful and I would like some unbiased opinions suggestions. My fiancee and I have been toghter for 7 yrs (since I was 15) We have been in different states for 3 becasue I moved for school and he is in the military. We see each other for a total of maybe 14 days a yr. We are finally getting married in 2 months. However, on a quick 5 day visit in Sept I poked around in his phone. He has been texting a girl quite a bit, asking her to come to his room to study, or if she wants to walk to the store withhim (they live on a small base.) I was ready to end it after I saw those, but didn’t want to waste the 7 yrs together. I confronted him and he said that they were just friends, and she actually likes one oh his buddies. When he asked her to come over and study she said, “come to my room instead, the bed is more comfy, ha ha.” He replaied, “oh stop that you.” He said she was just kidding, yea right. I even called her to ask her to tell me truth, she said he is a great guy and I have nothing to worry about… I told him that I can’t ever trust him again, he never explained himsself to me. Now, 1 month later I’m looking though his phone text records (I’m basically skilled like a dectective, he has no idea I can do this). He texted her over 100x in one month, and time like 12 and 1am. How in the world do I confront him over this same issue again? What can I say, “I know I snooped through your phone last month, and found some stuff that makes me not want to get married, we “got over it” and I semi moved on… But, I just violated your privacy again and found out that you lying, you can’t be “just friends” with this text record, explain this to me please.”‘
Long story short, he broke my trust even if they are just emotional friends, thats still not ok in my book, I dont have male friends out of respect for him, he obviously doesnt feel the same way. How do you heal over an event, then have it thrown right back at your face?
Hannah,
There is a book you should read called, “Not Just Friends” which talks about the betrayer, the hurt partner and the affair partner and how things get started on an affair. A person will NOT text someone of the opposite sex that many times, that time of night and make comments like the one you mentioned about her bed being more comfy if there weren’t having a relationship of some sort. My husband was doing that with someone he met as he was attending classes at school and she and he used that term alot, “we’re just friends” but they were sending naked pictures of each other with their texts. Friends don’t do that.
Since he is not willing to own up to the truth and seems to feel he is doing nothing wrong, my opinion is to end the relationship especially since you are not married to him yet. I say this because anyone who does not recognize, acknowledge or admit their behavior is wrong will keep doing it.
I wish you the best.
Theresa
Kris: What he is gone 4weeks at a time! Did you communicate well on those times? Its easy to get lonely on such arrangements. Well, you want to keep your relationship, I think you should focus on it. Ask your family to help raise your children, and the two of you have a big talk and discuss what you are feeling and thinking. I think you should focus on him and your relationship for now.
Hannah: Just Friends? I have heard a lot of times that some men and women who cheated started with ‘just friends’ situation. It started really as just friends but you know how things could go.
I think you should confront him about it… which you just did. And then you need problem solving. I think you should not leave yet. Try to save your relationship first. First you should know more about him, you see only a few days a year, which is rather make it hard to really get to know each other. What he is and what he do on those days is important. Discus with him then research his answers (detective work?). Then decide if you really want to stay with him, you might not want what you learned.
If you do want to stay. Then the relationship is worth saving somehow. Confront him again about his actions but ask more efficiently. Tell him what you feel about his actions. Do you feel jealous? Afraid? Hurt? Also find out he wants to text that woman a lot. What do he want with his relationship with the other woman? What does he like from your relationship? What he don’t like in your relationship? Ask questions that make him think deeply. Don’t condemn, rant, scream etc. Just talk peacefully and get information from him and lead him to self-discovery.
Try to get to the real problem with your relationship. Maybe because he is a psychopath and just wants to suck your money dry. Maybe he is missing something from your relationship and is looking for it from someone else. Maybe he just love the other woman too. Maybe the two is setting you up. There are lots of possibilities. Your a good snoop so I know you could find out. Then after rooting out the problem decide what to do.
I found out Sunday evening that my husband cheated on me with a co-worker. This woman started working with him about a year and a half ago after she and her husband moved from out of state. They didn’t have many friends and so she and my husband began a “friendly” relationship and he felt bad for her because she was so shy so the four of us began hanging out.
Fast forward to this past summer, they started texting eachother A LOT. From what I could see (yes, I admit it, I checked his texts) they were mainly communicating about work-related things, but it was always late at night and all the time! I asked him to stop, he did for a while, then it continued. Then they started going out to happy hours by themselves – he said she and her husband were having problems and she didn’t have a lot of friends so he felt he should support her. I always thought this was kind of weird, but I guess I’m too trusting.
This past weekend he told me they had “kissed” but that was it. But then her husband got angry and wants her to get my husband fired. Now that both their jobs are on the line, my husband had to fill out a report with every detail of their relationship to show that it was mutual. Unfortunately, I read it. And it was more than a “kiss”. This has been going on for months. He is at the moment in a meeting with his boss to see whats going on and I’m now irate over the full report.
The problem is, we literally (I thought) had the PERFECT marriage. We’ve been together almost 7 years and are eachother’s best friends. The sex is great. We have great jobs. We have a lot in common and talk all the time. I don’t know how this could have happened. For a split second I thought “what did I do wrong? how could i have prevented this?” Then I got my act together and decided it is NOT my fault and if there were issues in our marriage he should have come to me.
Initially I didn’t think at all about leaving him. After reading this full report I had a thought about it. I don’t think I am, but I don’t know how I’m ever going to trust him again.
Thersa, thank you. I will see if I can find that book.
I had a long talk with him about us. It’s not only the texting, it’s the fact that we have been geographicly apart for three yrs, it’s hard to not grow apart during that time. I think that is the real problem with us, I’m worried that we won’t be able to back to how great we used be so long ago. He thinks that once we are finally married and live together, it will be great. I hope so, but I have my doubts, who wouldn’t though.
Ralmon, thank you so much for your insight, I appreciate it
You don’t want to be looking back in 5 years time and thinking I have wasted all these years on someone who has not emotionally grown or is uncapable of. It’s completely inappropriate for your partner to be texting this girls especially as she is obviously flirting with him. He needs to man up and stop all contact if he wants you by his side. Good Luck!
My husband ended up in the hospital with a massive stroke and i just found evidence that he had been cheating on me with two women. Text messages and emails confirmed this and they are both wondering where he is? I have two children how am i suppose to care for a man who has cheated on me to this extent? I am lost, confused and angry I feel like I need to protect myself and i want to confront him on this issue, my life as i know it is over. His body is not working well but his brain was not affected. I don’t know wht to do.
Hannah: You’re welcome. I’m glad I could help. I hope he learned from his mistakes and maybe yours too if you done one. I think your relationship would not be like it was long ago, relationship always change and a great trial like you have now creates BIG change; but whether it had become stronger or weaker… I don’t know, but I hope it become stronger.
Elizabeth: Maybe you did have a happy marriage, no issues, but still a happy man could still cheat. You know, even if your married you could still cultivate attraction outside it. Its really easy to fall in ‘love’ to damsel in distress (a for a woman to love a knight in shining armor). You just wanted to help first, then the girl go ‘grateful’ with you, then you fall in ‘love’, then you make love… and then life goes to hell.
So your correct, its his fault (and the other woman’s). If he had been honest with his relationship with the other woman you could have made action to stop it, but he kept it a secret an lied about it, thus, he does not give you a choice to do anything about it. He also should not gotten to deep with the other woman. He was happy with you but still he wanted more. He really got deep issues.
And of course you can’t trust him. Who would? His actions speaks for himself for how a big liar he was. He had the biggest job in fixing your relationship. He had to gain your trust back and learn to be honest and open… and careful. Not to mention cooling the other woman’s husband’s wrath. His life, and the other woman’s life seems to be in hell now but they put themselves in it.
Hope things go well. If you decided to stay, good, you’ll make your husband’s burden lighter and give him hope of a second chance. If not, you’ll leave proud knowing you done nothing wrong in the relationship.
Thanks for sharing all your stories. They might be heartbreaking but they are full of things that should be learned.
Ok so I started going to counseling after finding out 7mths about my husbands affair and to learn that the other women is pregnant and not sure if my husband is the father so I’m really having a hard time with this! And the other women won’t leave me alone and she’s posting it on facebook while her friends cheer her on and think this is funny! She told me that she was glad to see that I’m miserable and she’s 40 yrs old acting like this! My god doesn’t she think she’s done enough I’m about to loose it here and she thinks its funny! How would her friends feel if it were there husband bet it wouldn’t be funny then. Don’t know how much more I can take!
zfitzgerald.
My husband also had a stroke during his affair. I had no idea though and nursed him back to health.
He became well again, and picked up where he left off with his affair. Getting her pregnant 5 months after the stroke.
You would have thought the affair would have been a massive wake up call and he would have ended it, but no! He just carried on, as long as he got to do what he wanted!
Zfitzgerald, I would text those women back pretending to be him stating that he wants nothing to do with them anymore that they are home wreckers and that he truley belongs with you. Believe me this feels good, I have done this to my husband OW and she stopped texting him and they no longer speak. Then when he is well confront him. Tell him nothing of what you did, he has been hiding his affairs from you so it’s your turn. Then make him decide what he wants, then you decide what you want. You may both want the same thing or not. But if you don’t want this relationship anymore then let him be. This will not happen overnight but in time you will find your inner strength. Just breathe………….
It’s the end of the May-December line for Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. After six years of marriage and several weeks of silence over rampant rumors that he had an affair, the couple have decided to call it quits. The 49-year-old actress announced her divorce plans to The Associated Press Thursday, saying she’s doing it with “great sadness and a heavy heart.”
Most women with money divorce their cheating husbands while most of us don’t have that option, so we stay. They can pay for all the help they need to get through this rough time in their lives. So here is they question, if you have money would you stay or go?
Kris,
I think that you and your husband should sit down and talk about what’s going on. If a man cheats, and HE does not fully know or understand why, he will do it again. There is something within him that thought it was ok to engage in the act, and it’s important to understand why. Know that he probably won’t know the answer himself, because men typically don’t self-reflect as much. Much you mentioned counseling, I think he needs some as well, I hope he is open to it. You mentioned that you are arguing, I am curious to know what the arguments are about and what he is doing that is upsetting you. He has to be willing to compromise during this time, he has to be committed, you can not commit for him. Keep in touch.
Hannah,
My sister had two friends about 2 years ago (they were about 21 and 22 years old) that were about to get married and a month before the wedding found out that the husband was cheated (one was a long distance relationship as well). Both canceled the weddings and now they have new boyfriends and are very happy. I know you haven’t caught him cheating, but you caught him lying, and not only lying, lying about another woman. Long distance is already hard enough, long distance and lying, you are going to constantly wonder. And any woman on here will tell you that lying can easily lead to secrets, which leads to cheating, etc. You can get a man that will respect you and not lie to you. We can’t tell you if you should stay or leave, but you have to really dig deep and ask yourself if you want to get married. Don’t think about the wedding, who is coming, what people will say, just deep down ask yourself if you really want this. Oh and by the way, once you get married, there should be no violation of privacy, he is your husband. Maybe you can start by talking to him and asking the same thing that I asked you, say something like, I don’t feel like you 100% want to get married, please be honest with me and let me know, I don’t want us to make the right decision here….etc.etc.
Hello Elizabeth,
It seems like your husband is your best friend and everything is great outside of this issue. It seems like you want things to work out. Your husband has to want to work it out as well. And the first step is him coming clean with everything. Him coming clean is so important, it means that he is done with the games, he is done playing hiding things etc. So I am not sure at this point if he knows that you read the report, if not, I would tell him the marriage is in jeopardy and he needs to come clean with what is going on, so that you can move on. Once he does that, the real work begins. I think you would benefit from marriage counseling, because like I stated earlier, he has got to get to the point where he knows and understands exactly why he did it, if not, he will be prone to doing it again. Lastly comes rebuilding trust, he has to make baby steps each day to show you that he is trustworthy again, he has to earn that. You are right, nothing you could of done to prevent this, not your fault. He made the decision to engage with this woman. Take Care!
Hannah,
One last thing, if you decide to get married and eventually live together, if I were in your shoes, I would wait a while to start having kids. When you live together it is a huge adjustment and you are doing to need that time to do just that. So take your time is all that I am saying
Zfitzgerald,
I am sorry to hear about your situation, you are hit with two major life events, your husband cheating and your husband’s stoke, I can imagine what you might be going through. I have never been in your situation but my first thought is his health. I know you are all over the place emotionally, but if he is in a state where his body is not working well, then I think that you should be there for him as a wife. But at the same time, it does not erase what he did, and once he gets to the point where he is more stable, it warrants a serious talk. Also during this time you make sure you take care of yourself. Finding out your husband cheating is one of the most stressful times in your life, doing that and taking care of him is alot, so make sure you make time to get some rest and down time so that you can stay healthy. Please keep in touch, regardless of what I or anyone says, always follow what you feel is the right thing to do, our thoughts are with you.
This is in response to Lisa P’s question that “if you have money would you stay or go?”
I am not wealthy like the Hollywood elite but money would still not motivate me to leave or go. I don’t think I would feel any different about my situation and would still pursue the same path I have done.
What is interesting to point out here is that when a woman’s husband cheats, the wives assume it is because they aren’t pretty enough, skinny enough, young enough, etc. Society also communicates to us that if we want to “keep our man” we have to be beautiful. If this were true, why do the husbands of some very incredible beautiful woman and wealthy women (Maria Shriver, Demi More, Hali Berry, etc) cheat? It’s not about our looks, money or fame. The reason is because it’s about the man and who they are, their own insecurities or hangups and about the relationship and if it is vulnerable to an affair.
I think Jewels wrote that unless a man understands why he had the affair and accepts responsibility, he will do it again is true. So, this is the real decision maker for me to decide to stay and reconcile is that he is accepting responsibility and going to treatment to understand the why. If he did not do this, I would not stay regardless of the money.
Thanks for posting your question Lisa.
Theresa
z fitzgerald
Don’t feel guilty if you decide to leave your husband after his stroke. The most important person is you and your worth, if you want to give him a chance to explain and go and seek help thats OK too.
LisaP,
Great question LisaP, I might include this on a new post about Demi and Ashton. For me personally, I know I would of left sooner if I had the money. I was living with my husband, knowing that I was going to leave, but could not afford to leave until almost a year later. At the same time, I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. I know that because I stayed, I know for sure now that it was over. If I had money and I left sooner, I might not be as confident in my decision, I may of said, what if I stayed and tried to work it out? It’s an interesting dynamic, thanks for bringing up the question!
Not sure if I should still be posting on here anymore as I am no longer staying.
I bit the bullet and left. I posted an update, and am now posting another.
I feel so frustrated! He is stil trying to sap the energy out of me.
He, by all accounts, started a new casual relationship before I actually left. He travels to visit friends, on a weekly basis, that we used to see together. He meets up with one particular woman who he appeared to be close to before our split, and has been seen by many people, ‘all over her’, basically they are very touchy feely and stand with their hands on each others butt!
I visited the same area last night, after asking him to stay away, and I received texts acusing me of sleeping with a mutual friend!
I spoke to with woman concerned, who everyone says is sleeping with him. I told her I wished them well, I just wanted to be left in peace.
She denied sleeping with him, but became very abusive towards me. I don’t know why, unless it is a guilt thing, and she is sleeping with him! I have done nothing wrong but am still being treated like I have.
This woman was then out with the same friends as me, she was again aggressive towards me, so much so that it was commented on by others. She actually stood with her back to me all night, and pulled faces everytime I spoke! She is almost 50!
When I returned to my friends house (a different friend), I was upstairs speaking to a male friend before going to bed, when the phone rang. He had actually phoned his girlfriend at someone else’s house, knowing I was there!
She then told him I was in bed with my friends brother, a complete lie.
He is now telling me he is going to counter petition the divorce on the grounds of my adultery! The adulerty I have not committed, yet I can’t divorce him on his and he has a child as proof!
Why can’t these men realise the damage they have done and just let us move on!
Hello Caz,
That women is really acting petty, she is very negative energy, stay away from her at all costs. Stay away from anyone who is accusing you of anything, it’s not worth the drama. People that are full of drama love it, when you ignore it and don’t entertain it, they look dumb. So if you ever happen to be in her presence again, ignore everything she says and does, act like she is not even there, because she is not worth your time.
As far as your husband doing a counter petition, I really would talk to a lawyer where you live, I wouldn’t stress over it, I am not a lawyer by any means, so don’t take this as legal advice, but in most courts of law you have to prove things, gossip doesn’t count. Don’t entertain your husband, if he talks crazy, make up an excuse to leave or end the call, it’s not worth the drama! He is in dramaland and wants to pull you in as well, don’t accept the offer, lol!!
Two month a go I discovered that my husband of 5 years cheated on me with a married woman. One time when my oldest son was couple month old (2 years a go) I saw a text to that woman where he wrote with a lenguage that you don’t use with a woman you are doing business, but when I confronted him, he told me that I didn’t have anything to worry, that she was a client who always refer him to other people (he works fixing houses) so they where friend but nothing more and that he was sorry for speaking to her in a flurty way, and because he is a good husband I believed him. The next day because i wasn’t shure i looked at the cel phone bill for the last two month (that time) and i saw that he talk to her a lot, but because he talk with a lot of client because of his business when i asked him and he told me that he was doing some work for her but that one was the last because she didnt want to pay him what she had to (she wanted discount) and because she was a pain because she always wanted to talked about the problem she had with her husband so i believed him and kept going with our lives.
I thought he was the perfect man and husband. On september when my second son was 3 month old I don’t know why but i whent online and checked his cell phone bill and saw that he never stoped to talk to her, but this time every time she call him, she first called from her cell phone number and right away from a blocked number, so I got mad but instead of saying anything i whent online and bought a spy software for his cell phone that let me see averything he did and also listen to his calls. couples days later on a sunday night while my husband was in the bathroom i called from his cell phone to her cell phone but she didn’t answer. that monday he was talking to her when I call him so my call intercep their call so i was able to listen to the worst thing that I could hear. He was cheating on me. I call him right away and without yelling at him i asked him to come home to talk. He was mad beacuse i found out that he was cheating the way i did, but he told me that he only slept with her 3 times in 3 years (like because of that i couldn’t be mad, and that all men cheats at least one time in their life and he never changed with me in our relation) wich he never did actually. He always was a good husband and father and i never suspected anything until that day. He answered the questions i ask that day and because i love him and he told me he loves me we talked and i told him that i will forgive him and try to forget. He even show me who was the women, the thing is that couples days later every time a question pop out in my mind and i ask him he gets mad and we start fitting, i suggest going to therapy but he told me that i’m the onlyone who needs it, that he won’t go, he says that if i really one to forgive him i have to pass the page and let it go (easy for him to say right!). knowone knows about this, not even my sister, even i felt horrible the day i discovered the affair, the next day we whent to my niece party together with happy faces, the thing is i’m not shure anymore that i can forgivehim. I know that i will never forget this, but i’m having second thoughts about staying with him. we have to kids and i love him but just thinking in what he did makes me mad and sad. Why if i almost discover everything 2 years a go when i saw that text, why he didn’t left the things with her that day. Why if he says that he love me and that he wasn’t missing anything from our relationship, why he slept with her 3 times (thing that I’m shure that is a lie, i thinks it was more than that), Why every time i want to know something he get defensive, why he doesn’t whant to go to counseling. Please help me, I’m so confuse, I don’t know what to do and i’m felling horrible, I love him and i know he loves me, we have to babies together and i think of them daily. i didn’t even told him to get out of the house because I didn’t want him to miss any day with the baby and my other son because he is a really great father, but i’m angry, know two month since that day, we fight a lot everytime i got mad when something remember me of what he did, I don’t say anything to him but because my behave at that time change, he knows so we start fitting. please help me i’m so confused and hurt.
It has been 2 months since I found out that my husband of 25 years had an affair. We have been together for 30– all of our adult life. I know this is a short time, but I wanted others to know that recovery can be full of new discoveries and you can find peace if you will just open yourself up to it— I was like everyone else here angry, sad, disappointed, heart-broken, etc… you all know the emotions that overwhelm you when you find out you have been betrayed. I didn’t catch them, I didn’t even suspect a thing- it really hit me “out of the blue”- I was told by the OW’s husband who is also a very close college friend of ours. Actually he was in our wedding- and our teenage daughters are best friends– So there is a long history with both families. He had caught them last May when he found an explicit sexual journal entry she had written- and he confronted her and she admitted to the affair with my husband. My friend had decided not to tell me then, because he wanted to try and work things out in his own marriage and felt that if they stopped the affair and they could recover in their own marriage there was no reason to tell me. There are other reasons he didn’t as well – his wife the OW, has a drug problem (pills) and he wanted try and get her help (again)- something they had been battling in private for many years–no one knew- not even my husband. Well the secret of the affair couldn’t be kept, things didn’t happen as my friend wanted they just got more complicated. Don’t they always? The affair took place for almost a year (it ended 8 months ago), and was according to them a “friends with benefits” thing- that part really made me angry, as if to say the benefits at home weren’t enough- our sex life was good by most standards- at least according to my girlfriends- I was having sex more than any of them. Even after my friend (the OH) gave them an ultimatium to stop all contact with each other- she wouldn’t- according to the phone records (which I immediately pulled) my husband did stop- but she wouldn’t stop trying to contact him. When she wouldn’t stop, her husband finally told her he was telling me– so he did. While I was in SHOCK to say the least, I also had great respect for my friend, he had to carry this burden all alone for so many months- to this day I still don’t know how he did it. Well, then all hell broke loose as they say- I wanted answers and I wanted them now! Why hadn’t my husband been man enough to tell me himself? Why did it happen? Where did it happen? What went wrong? What was wrong with me? Why her? How selfish and self-absorbed they both were. You know all the questions….My husband was visibly broken during that first explosive conversation- and for many more after that one. He was willing to do whatever I wanted – he would leave, get help, come clean on all levels, whatever it took- he never blamed me, he was regretful, scared, sad, and finally willing to tell me the truth about it all. I couldn’t even focus at that point and needed time to try and place all the pieces of my life in some sort of order- I just needed to survive and figure out what I wanted- we have 2 beautiful daughters and they were my first concern. Over the next few days and weeks I was able to sort through some of the intense feelings and find a few rays of light. Of course I still wanted to vomit at the sight of food, and was just trying to make it through each day with that horrible mask we all wear when this happens. One saving grace for me was the OH (my friend) he was there to make sure I didn’t fall too far, and was my shoulder and sounding board. Together we were able to finally put all the lies, secrets, and details of the affair in some order. Something we both had to do to move forward in our own lives. During this time, the OW (his wife)- was falling apart- she was out of rehab but couldn’t let go of the affair or my husband. I now know she was using again, and her life was spinning out of control. During a phone call at her house, her daughter overheard a conversation where she was telling someone about the affair with my husband (another incident of just how self-absorbed some people are- discrete not one of her virtues)- now the web was even more complicated. Their daughter was so distraught- with our daughters being best friends- our daughter had to be told- and she was going to hear it from the horses mouth not from her best friend. It was one of those moments in life that your heart is truly ripped from your body. Watching my husband fall apart while telling our child that he was a liar and had cheated on me with her best friends mother was one of the hardest things of this whole sorrid process. Not something I would wish on anyone– this is an adult issue, but when children enter into the process it really gets complicated.
Now, to begin the healing part– my husband immediately found a therapist (on his own I have to add) and we both agreed to marriage counciling. It has been one rollercoaster of a Fall so far. We are working through all the pain, finding trust again, and discovering so much about life, love, and ourselves in the process– all of us. Our daughter has a therapist also. Which I urge everyone to find for themselves if you need help processing an affiar- it has saved my sanity. Each day it gets a little more clear as to why it happened and where we are going from this point on–not only us but also our family. We will save our marriage- that is clear to me now and one amazing thing that I have discovered about myself is that I am truly a strong woman- and I am worthy of so much more than I ever demanded from him. YES ladies- you have to demand being number one in your husbands life, you have to demand respect and attention. If we don’t, life gets in the way (jobs, stress, children), and you can get lost in the long list that will pile up on his platter. The same goes for us of course- we have to put them first. Through our therapy and LONG conversations (where every detail that I have wanted to know has been answered truthfully– Yes- I still check all his answers) we have begun a new era in our marriage- one that I know would have never happened without the affair. Not to say that we needed or wanted this to happen, but finding the good amongst all the pain and saddness is where our new life has emerged. We both know this is a long process and we work on it each and every day. I knew early on that this affair happened for a reason, I also knew that we had shared 30 years together- and in those years we had shared both tragedy and joy- when looking at my whole marriage I saw more moments of joy than saddness and knew that I wasn’t willing to throw it all away on this affair and especially on the OW– I have found personal peace with all of this through yoga- it has has helped me find myself again, and put myself first. If you haven’t ever tried yoga – I urge you to try a class out -if nothing else it gets you out of the house, a little exercise, and you meet new people. I also have this new amazing open relationship with my teenage daughter, for those of you that have teenagers you know what I am talking about when I say it is a “miracle”- part of both of our healing has been talking it all out- and realizing that being open -truly open with each other is the only way to find real happiness. I also hope that I have shown her that life is not always easy, but how you handle yourself as a woman is so important- I could have been a lunatic and angry all the time, but I chose to be calm, centered, and find my own focus on this- so I can truly process it. Hopefully she will carry that with her in life and find some security and strength when she begins to build relationships in her life with men. Of course it is not easy, and there are days when questions continue to invade my thoughts, but I know that I can pick up the phone or sit down and ask anything and it will be answered honestly and immediately without hesitation on my husbands part. That is something we never had before even after so many years together. The drama of the other couple continues as they didn’t make it, but they are finding their own path out of this affair. While I am supportive of my friend and his pain as he goes through a divorce, I always keep my marriage and happiness front and center in my life. Thank you for this website, thank you to all the strong women out there that are once again finding out just how much strength they have, and most importantly thank you for bringing all of us together to share our recoveries from this life changing event. There is strength in numbers and together we will all find our way. Thanks for letting me share my story.
Hello JB,
What a wonderful story. It seems like your husband had all the indications that he wants to work things out (being very open, seeking therapy on his own, ect). The women on the site that have told me they stayed have husbands that are just as dedicated and they all say the same thing – that through the experience they learned depths of each other that they have never known before, and that through the pain and tears, there is a new bond within the marriage that is really strong. I wish all relationships went like this after the affair, but i know like you said that everything happens for a reason and that everyone has their own journey. And how great that it brought your daughter and you together (when I read that the OW daughter found out through a phone conversation, and that your daughter and her daughter are friends, my heart just went ‘oh no’, so I am happy that you established a positive bond with your daughter through this. And I tell you what, I have to give it to your husband to sit down in front of his daughter and say that is good, yes it was painful, but not every man would do such a thing, but in his being so open and honest during the fallout of everything, his actions on how the both of you handled this will teach her so much about life. Thanks again for sharing your story, I wish you the best.
Hello Rosa,
I know it must be tough finding out the way that you did, especially after you caught this number a while back and he lied about the flirtatious emails and the number of times called, and never stopped talking with her. I know you stayed and do not feel bad AT ALL for not kicking him out, most women do not kick husbands out right after finding out, that happens mostly in movies. Most women can not do that anyway because of finances, kids, etc.
The two things that concern me is your feelings and his attitude. I feel like you do not feel good about yourself, like you lost a huge part of your self-esteem through this, which is very common, especially if you are with a husband that is not being very cooperative. In time, you are going to have to make a call and see if you can still live with him and be happy yourself – that is huge. If you can not live with him and feel good about yourself, then I need you should look within and see why. If he doesn’t want to see a counselor, I think you should, and if that counselor coaches you right out of the relationship, he can not be mad, you offered.
I honestly think your husband feels that he did no wrong, which is a problem. He feels he is a man, men cheat, he is a good husband and father, so what’s the big deal. The big deal is that you don’t feel like that strong, beautiful, women and wife that you felt before. The problem is more about him lying to you for 3 years versus the actual cheating. The problem is you don’t know what he is saying is true or not. The problem is that he did not tell you this was the arrangement when you got married. And it is a problem that he does not see any of this as a problem – geez!!
He is defensive because he wants to avoid the conversation and continue to do what he is doing, and if you don’t talk, then he doesn’t have to face it. I wouldn’t force it, he is going to be responsible for his actions, you can not force him to go to therapy or talk about this, the only thing you can do is work on yourself, express to your husband how you feel, but don’t force it because it will not change him and will only stress you out, I already did that and with two young kids, the more you try to force him to understand the more it will start to really impact your health. Take Care and let us know how things go.
I recently found out my husband had an affair years ago during a difficult time in our marriage. My husband ended the affair after realizing that he wanted to save our marriage. Somehow in his stupid brain he thought he could stay friends with the woman. We have since moved to another city. I found out because he was back in our old city for business and she found out he was there. Her repeated calls to him went unreturned so she began calling our house and hanging up. After 2 days, with the 8th call she finally told me not to trust my husband. When he returned from his trip I told him about the calls and told him that if this was not a prank and he knew what was going on he needed to come clean. He confessed all.
He has agreed never to have contact with her again and he has said all the right things. He has shouldered all the blame and said it is all his fault. He has said he prayed about it and asked God for forgiveness. He has said he loves me and our family (3 kids) and wants to prove it, even though he knows it may take years. He has agreed to go to counseling.
I am not afraid to be alone but sadly, I do love my husband and my family. I believe he is being sincere but I have a hard time reconciling how someone who loves you can hurt you so deeply. I don’t know how to trust him and I don’t know how to get past this. I am very concerned about how this will effect our children either way. But I am willing to try to save our marriage of 18 years that has produced 3 beautiful, smart and happy children.
I have just found out about and I feel like Im dying I can’t eat or sleep I have taken the phone of the hook I don’t want to see or speak to anyone.
@Natalie, welcome to this site. It gives us all a voice to express our anger at our husband for doing us wrong. Your anger is justified and he made the choice to cheat, not you. You did nonthing wrong, try not to take the blame for anything though at some point you will feel like something is your fault. At least he is taking responsibility for his actions. Yes it may take years for the trust to come back. I am still working on the trust in my relationship after 24yrs of marriage and the last 5yrs of my marriage he had on-line affairs and sex forum groups, I am past the anger and working on the trust still. Take it day by day and you will find your path as to what to do. There is no answer but your own. Have your husband change his cell number and if you can find a way to block her calls on you house line. If not change #’s and do not have it listed. She still may call you to make you feel bad because she can’t have him anymore so she is trying to hurt you. If your children are old enought tell them about it, if not, then don’t. They will find out in there own time as the years go bye. Or you can do what my husband did. He sat down with the kids and told them everything. They kids will be mad at there dad. But he needs to show the kids that he was the one that made this problem happen and that he has to fix it to the best of his ability.
Hello Natalie,
Welcome to the site. I feel that your husband made a mistake. The OW typically calls the wife when the husband is non-responsive. In my pain and hurt from the situation myself, I didn’t realize that was happening in my case. So he probably was being non-responsive and she probably got mad and told you. Secretly it’s probably good that she is acting a little crazy it’s probably teaching your husband a good lesson on taking care of what he has.
He seems to be saying the right things, the proof will be in his action. He is going to have to build trust from the ground up and the fact that he knows it might take some years is music to my ears, we live in a society that wants everything quick, well with trust being broke it’s just not that way.
So you want to fight for your marriage with a husband that is sorry and wants to fight for the marriage – good news. In order for it to be successful, you both are going to have to work on the marriage (building trust, getting to understand each other more) and yourself (he has to understand why he did what he did, you have to deal with your personal emotions around the affair). It can be done. If you are in a position to get therapy (individual and/or group), do so, it will speed up the process. You can not trust him right now, he has to earn it and build it up. It starts by calling when he is going to be late, and then if you call him, he picks up. It starts by being transparent with his phone (you dont need to check it everyday, but if you ask, he should let you see it). It might be things he has never had to do, but you have to do those things to save the marriage.
Do the children know? Either way – do not stress about how it will impact them, I know it’s hard as a mom. Worry about how you are dealing with the situation, they are going to follow your leave with actions. Meaning if they see mom down and out for years, they will see that and make conclusions. If they see mom down for a little while and then see her eventually bounce back to her normal self, you teach them that things happen in life, but you can overcome, so focus more on how you personally are dealing with it, and your children will be fine. I hope things work out with you and your husband, it is possible with a man like your husband that is willing to do what it takes.
Hello Vicki,
You are in the devastation stage. I felt like I was losing my mind, I had no desire to eat as well, it felt horrible. But I got through it, and many women on this site got through it, and you will as well. Get some rest, your brain needs to rest, try to eat something, and know that whatever you are going through you will get through.
Hello — I have been posting under a different subject, but have been reading this topic as well. I have stayed after my D-Day back in March. Multiple “emotional” type of affairs. Caught the most serious one (involving the L-word) before it became more physical. Did know they kissed, and I know she wanted to try to figure out how to do an overnight. She is married with a 9-year old little boy. anyway — I discovered this and it ended, but also found out that during this time of stress in my husband’s life (getting a new job, stepson moved in with us and wasn’t really working, etc and other kids not doing well in life) he was “flirting”/going out after work with others too. Devasted beyond belief. But he is in counseling, has changed his ways, always home, wants to be a “better person”. It’s hard as there have been multiple offenses. And when I see things in the media, I just get so depressed. And I don’t know what to do over the holidays — don’t feel like giving him anything, but then I think I’m sabotauging any chance of saving my marriage. I’m so stuck. And then I think of Valentine’s Day coming up and the anniversary of his A. I’m literally sick to my stomach. Any advice on this?
@Lisa, while this is still very new (to me) we are working on steps to get past this. The first step was changing the home phone number to an unlisted number. Changing his cell phone is more complicated unfortunately. It is issued and paid for by his company so changing it would need approval and a lot of red tape. However, he has shown me an apologetic text he received from the OW and he also showed me that he deleted it and that he has since blocked her number. I am not sure what telling the kids will accomplish other than dragging them into the pain and nightmare that I am living with. Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best with your journey.
@Jewels, thank you so much for this site. It seems to be one of the few things that is getting me through each day. My husband does seem to be very remorseful and said that he told the OW that he had no intention of leaving his family. When she didn’t get the message is when he started ignoring her and she started calling. He also does seem to be trying to do and say all the right things to prove to me that he wants to fight for us. He offered to go to marriage counseling and counseling on his own. Right now I just need to work on myself so I am going to go on my own and if he goes on his own is up to him. He had done everything that I’ve asked and answered every question I’ve asked. I’m am trying not to ask about the sordid details because those are things I just don’t want to know. The kids do not know, but they do know something is going on. I have only been able to hide my pain so much. I look terrible (bags under the eyes), I don’t eat and when I do, I get sick. I have told them that I have a stomach bug and I can’t sleep. The oldest (14) seems skeptical but I don’t know what else to say. My hope is that over time I can get past this and I can keep my family together. I have worked to maintain a happy, comforting home for 18 years and maybe we can get back there in time.
Another update.
Life is incredibly difficult financially, and emotionally I am very down. I move out of my parents tomorrow into rented property. I have only felt this alone once before and that was when I discovered his affair.
My job is very insecure at the minute and I have been told, as my name is on the deeds, I am unable to make a claim for any benefits. It is so ridiculous as I will shortly have no income at all!
Despite all this I still know I made the right decision to leave. My soon to be ex has shown his true colours to all around him.
He has already cheated on the woman he was involved with during the last few weeks of our relationship, and in the last few weeks has slept with numerous people.
Do leopards change their spots? Not in his case!
The thing that annoys me is he won’t sort out financial matters and is spending lots of money on taking other women out! I find that so frustrating as I am really struggling!
Natalie you are so welcome. I understand not wanting to know, I wanted to know so bad and when the OW called me with details, those things were hard to let go of. Glad your kids don’t know. Kids are amazing sensors they can tell when mommy isn’t right. For your teenager, I think it’s safe to say mommy is going through something personal, which is why you haven’t seen me be my normal self. Sometimes this happens in life, and I am working through it, dad is helping my through it, and things will be ok. Or else she might start to think stomach bugs last weeks on end…lol. Keep fighting for your marriage.
Hello Caz,
Good to hear from you, sorry to hear you are going through it financially. As part of the divorce will you get any help financially? That sucks that he is going around spending on all these women and wont help you at all, even if you left, as a man, he should want to make sure you are ok. Concerning finances, I dug myself into a mental frenzy over finances. And the more I thought about it, the bigger hole I dug. I woke up one day and said this is not working, I am miserable and constantly worried about money, I would literally have all these situations in my head of what will happen. So I said, what the heck, I am going to chance this story, I am going to think about what I do have. I am going to focus on the positive, and to hell with everything else. So if I had enough to pay a bill, eat, and get gas, I would be appreciative of that. I would tell myself, it worse came to worse, I can move across country and live with my parents. Some people can’t do that. And I promise you Caz, for me, the more I started focusing on the money I do have, the more money started coming into my life. I didn’t happen overnight, but it happened. I know you are feeling down, and might not be in a position to do what I am telling you, but at the very least, tell yourself this everything. There are amazing opportunities around me that will give me the lifestyle and financial security that I want, and I am thankful of what is to come. Tell yourself that everyday and believe it, and after a couple of weeks, you mind is going to expand and you are going to see opportunities that you did not see before. Just try it, you have nothing to lose from trying. I know you feel alone with your financial problems and your husband, but you are so not alone.
Hello Ella,
Are you in counseling or have you considering individual counseling? Your journey of healing through this is just as important as his. It seems that you are going through some strong emotions around the holidays that center around ‘he cheated’ does he deserve anything, but if I don’t, will he get mad? I don’t want you to feel sick over things that are not even here yet, daily life is enough to deal with, we are not made to stress over things in the future. So here is what I would do. Instead of being worried over how to act over the holidays – you do what FEELS right to you. Meaning, take everything out of the picture, think about how you would feel getting him a gift, and how you would feel not getting him a gift, and whatever emotion FEELS better to YOU – do that. Does family know? If they do that might have something to do with how you feel. Even if they do know, this is your life. Let how you feel be your guide. This is part of putting Ella first. I think the problem is that you might be thinking about how he would react versus how you feel. And here is why I want you to focus on doing what you feel. Let’s say you don’t want to give him a big gift, but feel bad so just get it. You probably won’t be as excited about it, and he might pick up on it. Who wants to have a gift from someone that really didn’t want to give it to him? But let’s say you decide to get a small gift this year, and that is what you feel is the right thing. You tell him, this year is a little different, we have been through alot, and I have been stressed over what to do about gifts. What I decided to do is not get you a big gift, because I just felt like it would not be genuine and I didn’t feel good about it. So I got you a smaller gift to say that although i am still hurt and in healing, but I appreciate the effort you are making to mend the marriage, so with that, I got you a small token of my appreciation. If you feel that way and say that to him, that will feel better to you. And he might not react the way you want, but again, he might not react the way you want even if you do not do what you feel is right. Hopefully this response wasn’t too confusing. Take Care….
Good morning ladies. I wanted to let you know I tried an experiment over the weekend. I decided to see what this AshleyMadison site was all about. So I set up a false profile, put in my correct age and weight and said I was married and just looking for Love and company. That was Saturday morning, when I went back Sunday night I had over 200 emails asking me to send pictures to these men. Well I thought I would look at some of their profiles too to see how they listed their status. Almost everyone listed themselves as married looking for fun expect for 3 guys said they were single. Most of these emails sent to me included naked pictures of themselves. Wow really? No wonder why these guys get hooked on these sites, it instant gratifiction so many women to choose from. Well I deleted the profile after that experiment and thought, what happened to the old fashion way of meeting someone? In this computer age are people loosing the ability to comunicate one on one face to face? We are losing our people skills, what really matters in a relationship, that first look when you see someone you like and want to get to know. We are losing the intimacy of relationships!
Lisa P.
Isn’t it amazing that married people don’t seem to have a problem “looking for fun” but don’t think that their fun puts their wives at risk physically and they are risking their marriages. Most men don’t think they will get caught or that their wives will “get over it”. They “think” it is just a physical thing because to them it is. They do not see marriage as an intimate relationship and I agree with you that our society has lost that concept.
Since the “free love” movement of the 1960′s we have changed what love looks like. Hollywood demonstrates that every day with changing partners like they change socks and the tabloids say the have a “new love”. I watched a prime time documentatary series on pornography, one of which was called Porn Nation. The program interviewed representatives from the porn industry who have said that sales are declining because of all the free porn out on the internet so they have started a new segment of the industry to boost revenue. The new industry is adult hookup sites like Friend Finder or Ashley Madison to name a few. Men are blinded by thinking these are other women who want “me” but it really is big business wants their wallets. Granted there are women who agree to play along but the men and women are all pawns in the game of the big business of porn.
In the interviews, the industry reps were asked about intentionally setting their keywords for the web search with mispellings or ways kids might spell something. The reps and other analysts studying this said they do that so people, mainly boys, get hooked when they accidently pull up a site when they are searching for something else. They are grooming the younger generation so once they are hooked on porn, they will provide a continuous revenue stream for the industry.
Yes, ladies, our men are weak and stupid. And, our society (and that is all of us) by not standing up against it and changing how we want to be treated is responsible. For those with children, you can talk to our kids about the dangers of pornography as you would about alcohol. Talk to your daughters about how they should be treated and model it. If we are accepting poor behavior from our husbands, the kids see this as how it is supposed to be. We have to be the gatekeepers. Men need to wise up and be men which doesn’t mean screw everything that spreads it’s legs.
My husband claimed to have a “standard” and said he would never go to a prostitute but had no problem screwing easy women. I asked him why and he said it was “disgusting to think that some other guy’s was just having sex with her. I said, “do you think these women women on the hook up sites or women who are easy are just having sex with you? They are having with with random men the same as you are having it with women. You are entrusting your health and my health into the hands of a total stranger who doesn’t care about you everytime you have sex outside of a monogmous relationship” That is when the lightbulb went on and he saw it as not “love” but just animal behavior.
Women it does affect our health. I went to my GYN for my annual checkup and asked for a full STD screening including checking for the virus for cervical cancer which is spread through sex like STDs. My GYN asked me how long I had been married and when I told her she said, “well, you don’t need to be screened because you have been in a monogmous relationship”. I said, I HAVE BEEN but my husband has not. She checked me and thankfully, I came up negative for the cervical virus but my husband transmitted Gential Herpes to me. I now have a permanent reminder of his infidelity.
So, men are killing their marriages and transmitting diseases for self gratification. Is it worth it?
Theresa, It’s also amazing at how much money these sites can cost. My husband at the time was spending $175 on AshleyMadison and $9.99 a month on cell phone sites. Those are the ones that I knew about. I think I figured he spent $2000 in one year on his fantasy. He would buy goat weed pills and other erection pills to keep up with his desires. The man was 50yrs old hitting on 18 and under, so sick when you think about it. When I was that young I never wanted to be with a man in his 50′s! The way I found out about everything he did was I bought a computer monitor program that till this day I still have running because I don’t turst him. I even installed it on a new laptop we just bought for our son. I even told him to his face I better not see Porn on my son’s computer. He just huffed and walked away.
@vicki from Australia, You are in the most painful moment of your life. I vomitted first then I fell to the ground and rolled up in a ball and cried for hours when I found out. To make matters worse the way he found out that I knew about the affair was from the OW she called him because I contacted her first. My husband then finally admitted to the affair with this OW because he was unhappy in our marriage. He didn’t have the balls to tell me first! he blamed me for everything. I felt like dying right there. The next 2yrs of my life were hell. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I lost so much weight people thought I had some kind of illness.. I had panic attacks too, because I never understood how a person who swore to love me tell death do us part can do something like this. I just wish men would leave a marriage rather than hurt their families with the conscientious of an affair or getting the OW pregnant! You can get through this, we all did! keep us posted and we will listen.
Lisa/Theresa – I never even heard of goat weed pills, I did a quick search on google and wow over a million sites mention these pills!
My eyes have literally been opened by both of your comments and how alot of this is a plot to get men addicted to the sex and porn online, so they will come back and pay for more, and I can totally see people in porn getting made with free and converting to membership sites like ashley madison, whatever it takes for the ol mighty dollar, it’s a shame. And many husband’s get sucked right in and end up spending money, hurting us emotionally and physically (with STD’s etc.). Thanks for sharing both of your thoughts, very interesting conversation, I am going to consider watching that documentary, it seems very interesting.
There is a possibility that I will be at an event with the OW soon, supposedly none of our friends know about what has happened with my husband which mean they could easily introduce me to her. It’s been 6 mos since I found out about the affair. Since then despite the paranoia I still trust him as far as I can throw him. It’s amazing how alike our stories are, our feelings, our sick to our stomachs. At least one good thing came out of this, I lost about 60 lbs! Knowing myself I probably won’t do or say anything to this woman if I do see her, a lot is riding on this event though. I will be watching my husband like a hawk. I’m tempted to ask him if she will be there (he knows the people organizing the event better than I so he would know if she would be invited or not). We don’t talk about it at all. He is constantly telling me now that I am the best thing in his life but in my mind I still think of the things they wrote eachother on fb and imagine his hands on her and hers on him and the feeling of devastation overwhelms me then.
Jewels/Lisa,
Thank you for your comments. The books that got me started in understanding all of this is “Every Man’s Battle” and “Out of the Shadows”. The books address porn addiction for men. When I was in the middle of my first year since D day, I saw the documentary on TV.
What is legal in society is often also associated with what is “normal” or okay to do. Not everything that is legal is healthy for us. Food is legal but too much of unhealthy food can destroy our health. We have to use discernment for our families. While it is true, we cannot protect our children from everything and when they are teens and beyond, they will make their own choices. However, we can show teach them and model for them what is healthy so they will know the difference. Lisa made a point that we have lost our understanding of what intimacy is in a relationship. The reason we have lost it is due to the fact that we don’t have anything to really compare so we know the difference. My parents had a very unhealthy marriage and they were my “model” for what was normal. I had NO IDEA that there was something better so I accepted my husband’s behavior as “normal”. Now, I KNOW that there is something better and I am standing for it and demand it.
I hope you all can too.
Theresa
lack, In my opinion, you have every right to know if the OW might be at this special event if it is possible to find out without causing questions from other people. Husbands lose their right to privacy when they cheat. I don’t know any names of OW but I did ask what cities they live in and all info regarding chances of meeting them at work functions. He had his two affairs while travelling on business, with married women who worked with the same company. He has a new job now but that’s no guarantee. I have only known for a month but I refused to go to his company Christmas party because I’m so exhausted. He told his boss I was “out of town” and he would be going alone. I said, I don’t think so mister and you can tell your boss you will not be there due to family issues or whatever but don’t make me part of your lies. So he did. However, I’ve had to go to other events with him recently and I found it better to detach from what he is doing and talk to other people. Turns out that bothered him, that I was enjoying myself. I did not flirt with anyone, not my style. My friend ,who knows, was watching him but I did not ask her to. It took away his power over me and showed that I am my own person. It’s too exhausting to watch him like a hawk. If you can afford to, I’d be booking hair, nail appointments and have a trusted friend help you choose a flattering outfit. My goal is to act like a lady whenever possible and rise above his lies. If I did meet the OW I would like to look her in the eye and say nothing. Apparently I have “a look” that freezes Hell. I am not the type of person to say things to people if they are rude or have hurt me. I detach whenever possible. So these are just my opinions, you do what works for you. I may sound strong but I am not really, I’m more angry, but certain things I will not do.
Thank you Jewels for your response. I am in counseling. It’s going ok, but I find the Christmas thing more about questioning my feelings about my husband in general. Do I really want to give him a gift because I love him? Or are my feelings for him really changing? I have chosen to stay (for now) — thinking I want to reconcile, but some days my feelings for my husband are not there. I am concerned I may never get them back and then I will have made the commitment to stay but not feel truly fulfilled (despite his efforts to fix things) — I think multiple transgressions make it much worse. Even though he didn’t sleep with her — it was headed in that direction and I caught it in time. He claims it was an emotional connection to escape all of the stress he was feeling. But he used the L word and so did she. It just makes me question that he really does love me — or did he really even love anyone? Does he know what that really is and what marriage vows mean? He says it was wrong — but he knew it then too. They are so selfish. I will use your advice for Valentine’s Day — that was in the throws of the “A”. So I will be in NO mood to even think about that day. What a farce. He had a nice dinner out with me on Valentine’s Day — then, the next night took her to her car in a limo and got her nice gifts. So I still have anger — my therapist says my ups and downs are normal and as that as long as over the continuum I have more positive days, then that is part of the recovery. She thinks it takes a minimum of 8 months for the true impact of an A to take hold and really sink in. This is the period she believes I’m in, but that I will be ok as long as I continue to take care of myself. I think about this whole situation every day and just wonder if my marriage can be better — I just worry that my feelings won’t recover. Question for LisaP — you reconciled — do you feel that it is better now? Or just different? Lack — I don’t know what I would do in your situation of running into the OW. I get sick just thinking about it. I hope it goes ok for you. You will be strong.
Ella, yes I reconciled, more than once. I know it sounds weird but my situation is a little different from others. My husband is an alcoholic and sex addict. When he started his online affair he wasn’t a drinker. But as time went on and I found out about his emotinal affair with in 4months he was hiding his booze. We would have fights over his affair and he kept thinking he was doing nothing wrong. Just fun, his words. He felt if he wasn’t touching her is was ok. He sent text and pics for months promising her the moon. Calling her Mrs. (my last name), wifey, and princess and saying he could marry her as soon as he divorced me. But he has never met her face to face. Only phone calls and IM’s. She fell for it hard. Once I told him to stop he was in too deep. She would call him on his work phone so I wouldn’t know. Well it all came to a big explosion of emotions from me we I found out he was going to meet her on our family vac to DisneyWorld. Her family also was planning a trip there too. Her husband called me the night before to tell me of her plans and my husbands. (she left her IM’s open when he got home from work) He just picked up the phone and called the white pages till he found our number. They lived in Chicago us in California. so I thought they would have never met. We left the next day for Disneyworld and her husband canceled their trip. Well after that trip I kicked him out of the house and went to divorce lawyer for information. My financials were all over the place and I have two autistic sons to consider and their future. 3 months later while my husband was living at his 80yr old parents house he came crawling back begging me to try us again. I agreed beacuse I felt something was always off about him. Well I jumped the gun at letting him back in because I knew he had not changed. Within another 3 months I kicked him out again I felt I couldn’t live with him. Well that lasted 4 months when he came crawling back again saying he was a fool and we were the best thing ever. I said ok but my guard was up I put a computer program on his laptop and watched him spiral down getting hooked on porn and other sites. All this time he was drinking and hiding it from me. I told him to stop but he only got mad at me then he threw his laptop across the room saying how I wanted to control him. So with his lap top broken he couldn’t watch porn anymore. That’s is what I thought. The lap top screen was broken and not visable but the keyboard still worked so he hooked it up to a old monitor in a desperate need to watch porn. So when I found that out I destroyed the rest of the computer. The last two year I have confronted him on his usageof porn and then his drinking as he got sloppy over those two years and I started finding bottles everywhere. The last fight we had was just back in July 2011 when we came back from vacation only to have me find he was texting the OW about our vacation but leaving out the fact that we were still married. This was for one week of texting. (at this time we had seperate cell phones from when he moved out) I wanted a divorce right there! He played me for over 4yrs while I was the one trying to keep us together. He gave me his password to his phone and I text his OW all night pretending I was him saying some nice things the first text then it got really nasty and bad. I pretended that he wanted to have sex with her little girls and have only anal sex with her.I also told her his was drunk too, I know this was wrong of me but I needed her to think of him as a sexual preditor and to not have anything to do with him. I texted her all night long, then two weeks later. She never once responded to his text. The next day he started going to AA meetings and then church. He switched his phone to my plan and has bent over backwards to keep me happy and not be that man anymore. I finally have my husband back, the man I married and loved. He tells me all the time he will make this up to me and has too for the years I put up with his shi*. His family never knew the whole truth but I made him tell them. They now understand what was going on between us all those years. What is really strange to find out now is his sister is an alcoholic as well as their father. I thank him every day for taking the steps to being a better person because now it’s his choice not me nagging him.
This is something I posted on my FB page the day I forgave my husband.
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.– To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you!—Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.—Forgiveness is the final form of love,–One forgives to the degree that one loves. –
LisaP — Oh my — I am amazed at your strength of character to endure what you did and that you are so strong. I’m happy for you. We never know what we are getting ourselves into. I heard a victim of abuse once say that it’s more prevalent than you realize and that the stranger you are standing next to could have a really sad story. It’s soooo true. The more I talk to people I realize what goes on. Your FB post is also amazing. I hope I get there. I have forgiven and see a weakness in my husband that he is really trying to fix. He says he is tired of hurting other people — especially the people he loves. When I discovered his “activities” — I asked him point blank if he liked who he was — he is a cheater — he lied to his wife and to his own kids. He was out with other men’s wives….other kids’ mothers. (Although from the emails I found, the women were often the aggressors in setting up the lunches, rides home, drinks after work! It takes two!) He was now labeled a cheater — he cheated on me and on his own kids. (He didn’t sleep with them, but kissed one of them and used the L word with her and they fell for the flirtation….and these married women were definitely open to more — I think they were thinking he could leave me). I asked him if that was how he would like to be known and that his reputation now is that. Was that how he was raised? Really? Is that what he wants his kids/family to think of him? I think that really got to him and opened his eyes. He now says he was so pathetic — and that the women were too — they could commiserate instead of facing issues. I’m starting to think my H is passive/aggressive as he never engages in conflict — AT ALL. Completely avoids it. They don’t think straight or think about the risks. Just the “feeling” at the time. I’m so sad that we all are going through this. I’m happy you have found peace. I hope it comes to all of us one day. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It helps us all to understand we are not alone and that we can be stronger coming out of it.
Ella, yes I have become alot stronger over the last 4 1/2 yrs. I had to for my own sanity and for my kids. Up until his cheating we never had one fight. I guess we were both passive/aggressive, I just felt there was no need for fights. We got along very well in the being we could almost think what the other thought. (that’s what it felt like, young love). My strength didn’t come over night but only within the last 2yrs of this mess. Now I speak my mind to everyone. Even my mother said wow, look at you not putting up with any shi*. During the mess I was so weak and exhausted that I did just wanted to die. But at some point my body just said Fight! So I did. Ella, I am glad you see strength in me and that’s why I am here for the women who have been hurt too. We can all get through affairs one way or another.
So it’s been almost 2 weeks since D day. I still feel very shattered at finding out and am trying to recover some sense of my self. But I still cry every day, I find it very difficult to eat and have lost about 5 lbs. Two things that have made me think and try to decide what I want. First, while discussing xmas presents for the kids my H said to me that he wasn’t going to get me anything this year. The reason he said was because the only thing I really want he can’t give me and that is to turn the clock back and change what he did. Anything else would be a little artificial.
Second, in my journey to understand/make sense of all this, I keep asking about the affair, but not necessarily the OW. Did you use the L word, did you buy her gifts, did you sleep over at her apt when you said you were at a business meeting, etc. He has answered all my questions, but today he said that he doesn’t understand how this is helping me move forward. He has apologized countless times, he has said that he knows it was wrong and hurtful and that he has to earn my trust back and he has said that it is all in the past. I have tried to explain that while the affair ended a while ago and for him its in the past, it is not in the past for me. It is all happening right now. I don’t know how asking about it is helping me move forward and maybe its not, but it is all consuming right now and I can’t think about anything else.
Natalie, you are in the thick of it and it still may get worse! I couldn’t eat without throwing up right aftewards. That lasedt 3 months, and I continued to loose weight for 1 yr at a total of 45lbs. I am 5’10″ and at my lowest weight 136 was way to skinny. Eveyone told me to eat but I couldn’t. The one thing I got to stay in me was a small V8 juice and 1 yogart daily. Even my doctor told me my body was using my muscle to survive and was a walking zombie! I too asked about the OW and wanted to know all about her and I don’t know why? Maybe to compare us or some how just try to understand what he did and why. It never really helped me I think it made me angrier! It will be all comsuming for a long time! There is no present he can give you that will make you feel better or make you forget. All he can do is let you vent and cry at all times of the day. I think I cried for 4 months straight. My world had ended as I knew it. So what was I suppose to do? There was no answer to that question but to follow my heart and in time you will know what to do too. If you can see your doctor or a therapist or counseling for both of you. It will be hard to sit and listen to him explain to a therapist his reasons for what he did. But you are strong and can get through this, Just give it time, do not rush the process of processig everything you just found out.
Natalie, Lisa P is right you are in the thick of the turmoil right now- it is the worst part of this awful mess that is now your life. Life has been turned upside down-nothing fits anymore and you just have to find the strength to make it through each hour much less an entire day. The days will pass and you will find your way– I promise. You will eat again- I survived off Panera green tea for weeks and weeks- not because it was that amazing, but because it was the only thing that didn’t make me vomit. I still don’t eat like I used to, but that is ok- I am eating. This is part of the greiving process. You have to go through it– each day you will become stronger and find new ways of coping that work for you. It is still so new to you–all this is compeletely normal- as I now know. This blog will give you a lot of insight on that. I too had to ask all the hard questions about the affair. It was extremely painfully at times. What it did for me was give me some perspective on the “big picture” as they say. Knowledge is key to healing. You must go through this to be able to move forward. Your husband does have to understand that it is part of the process and if you have questions he needs to be honest and answer them truthfully. That is the first baby step to regaining your trust. It sounds like your husband is willing to work on your marriage and that he wants to help you– this is great. He needs to realize that it is hard work and he has to be patient– this can take years according to some of the women on the blog– but most of all your husband has to be completely HONEST on all levels–otherwise it won’t work. For me, my husband has been open, caring, transparent, and completely honest with me (that doesn’t mean that I still don’t ask questions daily). I have found that there are times when something will trigger a thought – the thought leads to questions- and if I don’t ask them, they sit and start to make me feel even worse. I have to get it out. Ask, ask, and ask some more. For me and my husband, the process of question and answer sessions has brought a whole new sense of honesty and openess in our marriage – on such a deep level- something we never would have accomplished without living through hell first. We don’t hold back anymore about anything- and it is wonderful. I still have moments of panic and get sad and cry, but I know that too is normal. Know you are not alone on this journey and the women on this blog are walking with you as you find yourself and get the answers you need to make those hard decisions. Don’t rush things- if you can get counseling DO– it helps for someone to bounce back questions that make you stop and reflect on the hard stuff. As far as the Christmas present issue, we had this same problem. I agree they can’t give us the one thing we want and need right now. What we are doing this year is giving each other an experience- nothing big just doing something together– like a date night- but something we never did or always wanted to do but never found the time to do. A picnic, going out to listen to your favorite band, dinner for two at a new restaurant- something that can be ours- something that will help us focus on us. Something we had lost after 25 years and 2 kids. I found a cool new local vineyard that had a wine tasting class for less than $20.00. That is the cheapest gift I have given him in 30 years, but will probably be one of the most memorable. Again, know you are not alone, Jewels and the rest of the women here are a huge support system– you are a strong woman–worthy of all the great things life has to offer– you will be ok, but don’t stop asking questions until you are ready- only you will know when that is. Peace and blessings on your journey.
I’ve read many of the posts and it is so sad to see that I am not the only one. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and during those 7 years I have lost track of how many times I have found sexual messages, whether it be in the computer or phone. I am not a snoopy type, but I just get these instincts and every time I always find something. He says it’s a power trip he gets-and what do I get? All these feelings of insecurity and doubt. Prior to these findings, I was always happy and positive, hence the nickname, I’m a little different now. I have always valued our relationship and told him the first time, “if he thought there was someone out there better for him, then we need to end it. That I didn’t blame him if he wasnt happy, but dont do things behind my back that are hurtful and damaging”. He said, “no”-of course, that he was happy with me.
A few months ago I found more explicit textes and blew up. I couldnt take it anymore!!How much is a good woman supposed to endure?
Coincidentally, our lease was up and were planning to move to a better neighborhood. We are not living together anymore. I am living with my father now and cry every night and morning because he is not by my side.
We see eachother every day still and spend quality time, whether it’s having a picnic at a park or fishing. Some people say this will make our relationship stronger, but I am not sure. If he was texting and contacting these females when we lived together, what will he do now that we are not? Just this morning our daughter woke me up because I was sobbing in my sleep, I have nightmares about this. How do I get through this? It is so hard. Please give me some good advice. I am a smart woman, when it comes to my heart though- I am so weak.
LisaP, JB, and Jeannie – thanks for responding and helping others!!
Lack – You already received wonderful responses, if you are still tuned in let us know what happened. That is a tough situation to be in the presence of the OW at an event, with your husband, I honestly don’t know how I would act.
Natalie – I know your husband doesn’t understand how you are still in such pain after 2 weeks, but trust me, what you are feeling is very normal. And since your husband is not use to you being this way, and has not dealt with this before, he is not understanding why you are still feeling this way. It’s just not something you snap out of, it takes time, and having an understanding husband doesn’t hurt. You might want to explain to him that you are going through alot, 2 weeks might seems like a long time, but it is very early in the affair recovery process and that the best thing he could do right now is to research affair recovery (maybe go to the bookstore) so he can understand you better. I think that would be the best Christmas present for you
Smiley – I can tell you are in such pain from your story. I think you have to go deeper to understand why you are in such pain, it is much deeper than because he is not there. You are really struggling with some painful emotions I am sure we all can relate to, but you have to really spend some time alone and with your emotions to go deeper. What is your fear now that he is not by your side? Are you afraid of being lonely? Are you afraid that you did not make the right decision? Are you still angry at the lies, but mad that you still lone to be close to him? You could be feeling all 3, everyone here has had those moments, but it starts with recognizing them, confronting them and saying why do I feel this way? By just asking yourself the question, it opens up the door for the answer to come in, it might not come right away, but it opens the door. Be easy on yourself, I feel you are being very hard on yourself and your body. Things will get better.
JB, I think You and I have the same marriage, I read your story and it sounds exactly like mine, my story started Dec 9, 2011. I am still in shock, mad, scared and lost. I don’t know what to do right now. I found a therapist and my husband doesn’t live here right now so I can process this. I was married 25 years, up and downs as usual and thought all was ok, not great. He had a problem with attention and texting and we went to counseling….I thought we were working on it. I got a knock on my door Dec 9th, while he was at the company xmas party and her husband told me about all of it. They work at the same company and he didn’t go to the party because of me being there? I didn’t go and didn’t plan on going, ….. But it happened in 2010 and all three knew but no one told me. The husband even approached my husband at the xmas party last year to stop and stay away. It was over 11 months by the time I found out. I don’t know what I’m going to do right now…….I feel so ashamed and feel like I’ve been made a fool of. My son is 22 and I feel for him because they were getting along pretty good before this happened. I have thoughts about trying to make it work? Then I think how will I ever trust again? But reading your story helped me think of the maybe’s not right now but maybe. Thank you for posting your story….I need all the help I can get right now.
Tweety, I too have 24 yrs under my belt in this marriage and you know even if it was only 2yr or less it still would hurt the same. It’s the TRUST that our husbands broke which why it hurts so most. We gave ourselves to these men thinking we would be their one and only. Really that what marriage is” to only love one another tell death do us part”! Not to love us and have OW on the side. It really hurts when others know but us. My husbands OW Husband found out and called me to tell me what our spouses were up too. We talked a little off and on and I thanked him for telling me and I told him I was sorry I didn’t know she was married because I could havecalled him and stopped it sooner.
I guess it’s better to find out sooner than later but it all hurts the same.
My sons are 21 and 18 and the affair was 4yrs ago with a reconnect only 5months ago. Thank god both my boys have autisum and don’t fully understand what their father did(even thought I have told them) but get how much their father hurt me. If you want to make this work he has to be and open book for you to ask question about it all. He has to want to make this work also because if he doesn’t it won’t work. My husband has take full responsibilty for everything and we are working slowly on the marriage.
Do NOT FEEL ASHAMED! He is the one that should be ASHAMED for his actions! You did nothing wrong!!!!!!!
Tweedy, you are right our stories are very much alike. You are in shock, and you do have those feelings of being ashamed, hurt, betrayl, and uncertainty. Your life has been turned upside down. Don’t dismiss these feelings- they are all part of the healing- trust me. The fact that you are seeking help with a therapist will help tons- at least it has for me. I know that you are feeling like a fool – but trust me that will pass quickly. The parties involved are the ones that were foolish and self-absorbed– remember that. The way I processed the fact that I was the last to know about the affair- was I wasn’t supposed to know until I did- I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason-at the time when the affair was discovered and my friend the OH decided not to tell me- I had things going on in my life that actually put me in a better place to deal with this affair- I was part of a humanitarian project that changed my life and perspective on the beauty of the human spirit- so I am grateful that the affair didn’t spoil that for me- and it gave me a more mature demeanor I believe when dealing with this. So, maybe you weren’t supposed to know until now. Affairs are about secrets and lies- your husband broke your heart, your trust, and he lied-he has to take full responsibility for his actions -you don’t have to carry that- he has to own that pain–of course you have to survive it- the way he chooses to deal with it will give you a lot of the answers you are seeking== that is the thing you should focus on- not what other people know or knew- or what they think. You being empowered to move forward in a healthy way for yourself – first and for your marriage second- if you decide that is what you want – that is what you need to put first in your healing process. I know you said your husband isn’t living with you right now so you can process this- I never asked my husband to leave, but our children are still at home and I wanted to make things as normal as possible- but I understand your need for privacy and the need for solitude– I did get a few weekends where he took the kids and let me have time to myself and that was paramount in my healing. One thing that I went through was the question phase– I HAD to ask lots and lots of questions– 1. I needed information- I was so in shock and for me to even put a time line in my head I needed info- this also helped me figure out if he was truly being honest with me- and started the trust building (which I will tell you is the hardest part of it all)- we had LONG talks- lots of them- I was able to ask everything and anything- and he had to be available for these converstaions when I needed them- not when he was ready– I am thankful that my husband was so willing to do this for me and for us- many husbands don’t do this. 2. It also let me be angry with him- I was angry and he needed to understand just how badly he had hurt me. I needed answers about the details- somethings I don’t care to know- those are his deamons to live with- not mine- but somethings like where, when, how often, what he felt for her, what their conversations were, etc… I also retain my right to this day, that if I ever need to talk about something I can- without frustration on his part. Again, I am thankful for my husband being willing to do this. He is also in therapy to work through all this- so that helps.
One thing we did that was helpful for us, that about a month into the recovery, we took a long weekend to a cabin in the mountains. No distractions at all- no phones, TV’s, kids– it was quiet and beautiful, we had no plans- we just talked, talked, and talked some more-took walks in the woods- we truly reconnected that weekend on a much deeper level that I ever expected was possible. I knew after that weekend, that we could and would save this marriage. I wasn’t willing to let go of 30 years together -25 being married over an affair. I also realized that weekend that I too played a part in what had happened- not the affair (I didn’t choose to go outside our marriage- he did and he must take that responsibility), but that something in our marriage was broken or at least needed help- and we needed to fix it so it never happened again- for us (and we are still discovering new things all the time) the breakdown in communication and being open and honest about all aspects of our lives was something we had lost- truthfully we never had an open book with each other – not like now. My healing and our healing has been like a love revolution for us- we are fighting for something we both want- we are making it ours– the way I have described it to my friends is the journey we started together 30 years ago has had ups, downs, twists, turns, and a few pot holes along the way- this was one of those potholes but it caused a flat tire. I could be stuck there forever with that flat tire- or fix the tire and move forward –for me the work to change the tire has been worth it. If you really want to put the hard work into it- it can happen– but be warned it is not easy–it is the hardest thing the two of you will ever do –but if you both want it – it can be the most rewarding thing you ever do and take your marriage to an entirely different level. Give yourself some time don’t make decisions right now- be selfish for once- do what you need– I can tell you that this blog has been good for me- it has played a big role in my healing. It validated that I am not alone and that my feelings are justified and normal- that is HUGE. Jewels and the other women here are strong and supportive– lean on them– it helps to just know that someone hears your cries sometimes. Good luck my friend on your journey. Remember to breathe-long deep breaths–this is a new day and you will better than you were yesterday. Peace and Blessings-
JB, Thank you so much for your kind words. I really do need to figure this out which way I’m going to go. I know it will be very hard whichever way I choose. I too have to have a heart to heart talk and find out all the facts but I’m so scared right now but I know when I’m ready It’s something that needs to be done. He needs to find some help or else there is no chance at all for us, I can’t live with him the way it was and don’t want to. I just keep thinking how could he? Where was I in his thoughts when he made that decision…I know it’s all about HIM, and him not feeling loved, needed and little things which I still don’t know what they were because he doesn’t communicate very well. But I’m taking it day by day. I also feel like if I do decide to work on it my family and the people that know I think they will think I’m weak and giving up and have no back bone….that’s hard because they don’t understand that 25 years going on 26 is a long time. I truly appreciate your help and understanding…..Thank you LisaP I’m glad to see that some women want to work on it before throwing the towel in so fast, I know that I can work on it and at any time if I feel like he’s not giving it 100% I can leave, I just need to get myself in a better place for that if that day is to come. Thank you again I appreciate the support I need strong women to talk to right now, I’m glad I found this site.
Tweety, take your time– it will come. Don’t be scared- you have all the power in the relationship right now. You get to make the decisions based on what is right for YOU. If he decides to fight for the marriage, then he will have to do his own work- you can’t make him or force him- if he doesn’t then you can proceed on with what you want without him. As far as you wondering what was he thinking– well, he wasn’t– he was selfish and self-absorbed. My husband told me he wasn’t thinking of me- that they didn’t talk about me other than he told the OW he would never leave me– for whatever that was worth– like I told him –he did leave me the moment the affair started. Again, take some deep breaths. Just be careful about who and how many people you tell, you may get more advice and opinions than you can handle, plus no one on this planet knows your relationship except you and your husband- you two are the only ones that matter in this- and the only ones that get to decide what to do. Don’t get too bogged down or worried about what others think- staying and working on the marriage is so hard– I think probably harder than leaving. So ignore their comments and focus on you. I know it is hard- was for me too. As moms and wives we always put everyone and everything else first– well this time YOU have to be first. Seriously– you get to decide what you want, what makes you happy, and if you are willing to work on the marriage or you want out. These decisions are way down the road– right now just focus on getting you to a place where you feel confident and are able to have that heart to heart. Communicate with him- you have to – don’t be scared- remember all knowledge is power– no matter how bad it hurts. I am thinking about you and wishing you the best-
Thank you JB you have no idea what your words really mean to me…you make sense to me right now. My hardest this is what do I really want…that is the hardest question to answer, I know leaving is hard and staying is going to be really hard due to the reminders and triggers and “I wonders” when something new comes up. I keep telling myself it was 11 months ago it ended but that doesn’t help me. My husband said the same thing yours said, He wasn’t thinking and I can’t seem to grasp that right now…because I couldn’t do that. Never in a million years would I do that. I’m going to take it day by day like you said and after the holidays hopefully things calm down. One question: How did you get past the thoughts of them together and the thoughts of how he was so different with her? I’m trying not to think about it but I feel like I did something wrong even though I know I DIDN”T he did…..The bad thing is she still works at that company and she lives right around the corner
Thank you again you have no idea how helpful you’ve been 
Tweety, I do know- I have been right where you are and had all the same exact feelings and questions. I wish I had found this site when I was where you are now- I know it would have helped me to have this outlet to seek answers and reassurance that I wasn’t crazy. I am not sure you ever completely get over those thoughts of them being together. I think that you process it and are able to put it in a place where you feel safe. The physical part for me wasn’t as hard as the emotional part- if he loved her then I know I would be in a different place right now-have you asked your husband what his feelings for the OW were- if he had any- if he did what were they? That will give you somewhere to start. I also had to know where they were together, when, and how many times (of course he couldn’t give me an exact count- but I just needed to know a number) Like you I know this woman and I know that she has some real self-esteem issues- you know the type always seeking attention- not many female friends- not super attractive- just willing to give herself away for attention–very sad… I am just mad at my husband for falling for it- but he did– For me seeing her has been the worst. The first time, I was in line picking up my oldest from a school event- she was in line in front of me- of course our daughters are best friends and it couldn’t be hidden. It was gut wrenching- I wanted to vomit right there- but sitting there feeling that way- a thought popped in my head- “Why do you feel this way?” “You did nothing wrong.” That voice was right- I had nothing to be ashamed of- she did- she was the one that should be uncomfortable- she was the cheater. I kept telling myself this over and over on the drive home- by the time I pulled into the driveway- I was much better- and to this day that thought comes in to my head anytime I think I might even run into her. I am the better person- I am the one that has taken the high road in this whole mess- I am the one that the girls (our daughters-both mine and hers) come to in confidence to talk- I am the one without the stigma of being a woman that goes after married men– I haven’t lied–I am the better person, and have vowed not to stoop to her level — EVER. There are even times that I have even felt sorry for her- if you can believe that. As far as thinking about them together, like I said, you never get those thoughts out of your head, but through the healing process and talking with my husband many of my questions were answered and I realized from our converstaions that for the most part it was about the sex for him- he didn’t love her, he was weak and made a grave mistake- one he will live with the rest of his life- he admits that he was weak and caught up in the thrill of the affair. With that said- I am like you, I would NEVER do that in a million years, and it is hard to imagine that we would commit our lives to someone that would- but we did. The thing you have to figure out is if you love your husband enough to find forgivness in your heart-not now but if there is even a possibility, and if your husband is willing (on your terms) to be an open book and give you the answers you need to heal– that has been key for me. My husband like yours had a hard time at first understanding why I was still caught up on the details of them being together, but I explained to him that for him the affair had been over for a while, but for me it just happened- I had just been brought into the loop- and I wasn’t ready to let go- if he wanted us to make a go of it- he would have to be patient while I worked through it all– I also understand your feelings of “what did I do wrong?” I think that is part of the insecurity for us, since we were so blindsided by the whole thing. I also think it is just human nature- why would he stray if it wasn’t for something better? But to tell you the truth I don’t think that is it at all- the OW weren’t better, they were just different. It was the something different that they liked. I have never had an affair so I don’t know what it feels like, but reading about it from others on this site and a book I read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass- it is a power of excitement and thrill that is intoxicating. My husband was weak and got caught up in that excitement. There are still underlying things that caused him to even cross that line in the first place, and we have identified a few of them (communication, putting us first, spending quality time together, etc…- all things a 25 year marriage might have issues with). I am sure through his therapy there will be more Ah Ha moments, but now at least I know he will tell me and we can work through them- instead of keeping them inside and letting them build up–we were both guilty of that before the affair. What you have to do is get through these next few weeks, hold your head up high- you are a strong mature woman that can take the high road. You have all the power to do what is right for you- I know I keep saying that -but that is key- this healing is about YOU. We have to reprogram ourselves to believe we are worthy of such selfishness- but believe me WE ARE. Breathe and find a way to find peace (it will be tough especially this week with the holidays and all that will bring) but carve out time each day for you. Maybe just a hot bath or a trip to the park to walk around for a few minutes. I found a few moments for myself by putting on my ipod and walking the dog without a cell phone– it was great. No one could contact me
Once you find that peace and calm you will be able to go forward-in a way you will be proud of yourself. Also, start keeping a journal. Nothing formal- just write down your questions, thoughts, letters to the OW-(I think I have about 50 to her now- of course I will never send them but it is nice to vent your frustrations), etc… It helped me get it out and it also reminded me of the questions I had for my husband when they popped in my head- for me that time was so confusing that I had a hard time keeping and remembering what I wanted to ask- so having it in the journal helped me when we did sit down to talk. You will make it – I promise- it maybe a different path than you think right now, but that is ok too. Stay strong – I believe in you- Hope this helps- Peace my friend-
JB, I want to print all that you have written and re-read it everyday
your words get me through each day I hope you know. I just told my husband he needs help and if he doesn’t seek it I can’t even begin to talk to work on anything. He has issues that only he can fix, they don’t have anything to do with me at this point. When the guy came to my door and told me he told he was sending me emails from them and his to my husband of course they are from Jan 2011, and in that letter he wrote to her and her to him there were words that I can’t shake. He did say he loved her and she was his best friend and other stuff, and he said to me that they were only words at that time he didn’t mean it, he was caught up in all of it, and if he could change it he would. I haven’t really processed that in my brain that he could say those words to her and look at me at the same time and not show nothing. I look at pictures from back then and I see nothing, no sign, no emotions, maybe he checked out mentally? I don’t know the answer and he certainly can verbalize it to me right now. I do have 3 dogs that have helped me and I do walk them ALOT and sometimes twice a day and they are loving it. I haven’t run it to her yet and not sure what I will do if anything. I just know that I do have anger for her and I try not to let her in my thoughts and especially take over my day and ruin it. I truly look forward to your Words of Wisdom at this time you are a very strong woman and I appreciate you taking the time to help me right now. I know with the holidays being busy and all. I do really appreciate it 
And I’m doing what you said “Trying to STAY STRONG” 
Tweety, I am glad you and your husband talked. The first few weeks are the hardest- they do get better or at least they did for me. I hope your husband will seek help, but know he has to do this for himself first, just as you have to heal in your own way. I will pray for you and your marriage, that it happens nautrally, honestly, and open. I wish for you that your healing is real and that if your marriage truly is to make it – it will. I will also pray for your strength- that you find out marvelous new things about yourself during this journey- it is kind of liberating if I do say so myself. Enjoy the holidays as best as you can. You will get through them with grace and charm- we are both Southerners also
, be your new self- the stronger one. Going to spend some time walking my dog this week- forgot just how much I enjoy that time. Thanks for reminding me. Have a beautiful holiday with your family. In Peace–
Jewels, I just wanted to let you know how thankful that I am that I found your site and the healing that has taken place for me because of it. Thank you for letting me tell my story. You and all the other women on this site have become part of my journey, and I am grateful to each and everyone of you. I just want to say thank- you and I wish for everyone a happy holidays- and a peaceful 2012.
Five weeks now. My husband is trying too hard and it comes across as forced. With Christmas close and my daughter home for the holidays he’s all holly jolly and I want to vomit. I told him I didn’t buy many gifts for him this year and he said the only gift he wanted was for me to stay. He has always been to the type to be charming to manipulate events to get what he wants. He has an aggressive manner, sort of “in your face” and that has always been one of our problems. He is teasing me about what he bought me for gifts and I really don’t care. Wish I could cancel Christmas.
Thank you JB for all you have said and taking the time for me. I will think of you often during the holiday and wish you and your family a Merry Christmas. I will keep posting because It is truly helping me. He did tell me today he did call around to get him some help but didn’t know if I wanted to go with him. I told him no he had to do this one for himself and not with me yet. So maybe he might get it we’ll see? Hugs
Hello Ladies,
I really enjoyed reading all the updates, thanks JB for your wisdom and support!
Tweety – JB was spot on with her comments. I know you are in a position right now where you are dealing with so many emotions – it is normal in this stage. I think I mentioned in my free ebook, you feel like you are going crazy. There is probably no other time in your life where your mind is dealing with so many extreme emotions at once. So many women contact me wanted to get past all the pain and get those thoughts out of their head. And if you just found out, there is no magic pill that is going to wipe it, it’s raw emotions, it’s much more than your brain it use to handling, so you are in overdrive, and there is not much that will silence it, because you just found out. So don’t fight it, just relax and listen to it.
Now, fast forward a month or two, there will come a point (which is different for every woman), where you are going to make a decision to stay or leave the marriage (do not pressure yourself to make that decision now, it’s WAY too soon). But once you make that decision, you move forward in your journey, it’s a critical step. Some women stay indecisive for years, and that is not healthy. So once you get out of the devastation stage, you will be faced with the decision stage, and once you make that decision either way, all those scattered emotions start to get in balance more. I just wanted to walk you through some of that process so you know that it’s a process, and that things will get better.
Lastly, as far as once that time comes to make a decision to stay or leave, let the universe show you the decision (through how you feel and his actions) versus putting pressure on yourself to make a decision, it will make a world of difference in your stress level during that phase of your recovery.
Jeannie -He Jeannie, are you upset that he is holly jolly or are upset that he in your face too much and you don’t have time to breathe and think (or both)? I would get very upset after I found out when I would see him happy. I just felt like I was a miserable wreck, and the fact that he wasn’t actually hurt me. It’s just how I felt. I now know I can’t force emotions on anyone but at the time I didn’t understand it and stressed myself over it. Don’t stress trying to fake it for him, if you are not feeling it, you are not feeling it, and that is perfectly ok. Your body is probably mentally and physically worn out from this, so if you are not in the mood to go Christmas caroling, I feel that is ok. Maybe you focus more on time spend with your daughter and tell your husband you need more time alone to cope if he is coming across as forced.
Hi Jewels, Thank you for your comments, I will stop forcing myself to think that way because that is exactly what I’m doing. I don’t have a clue what I want to do at this point and so confused on which way to think. So I’m going to slow down and just let my mind be for a bit. I found this site while waiting for my car tint to be done and I’m so glad that I did
You are strong, smart women and I hope I can be like you after all this. Happy Holidays 
Tweety, so glad that he made those calls to seek help. Let’s hope he follows up with it- one little baby step at a time- there are no quick fixes here like Jewels said. Breathe– he at least made that effort- don’t give him too much credit yet- he has LOTS to prove to you. I had to really watch myself at this time- I wanted to just go back to normal- but I kept reminding myself it was “normal” that got us into this mess in the first place. So tread carefully and with caution – you are super emotional- just step back and let it happen. Like Jewels said the universe will reveal your path to you when you are ready. I know sounds “hokey” and all, but middle-aged wisdom assures you it is for real
You were right in telling him that you should both seek help individually at this time. That has been critical for us. My husband sees his own therapist. Once you and your husband are better with yourselves, it will spill over into you as a couple if it is supposed to be. We haven’t found marriage counseling as powerful a tool for us as personal therapy, but I know it has worked miracles for others on this site-only YOU will know what is right for your marriage. Walked the dog this morning- it was dreary and misty– it was great! Also downloaded a few new holiday tunes, just trying to put myself in the right frame of mind to see family and friends– Life is good. See today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today– sleep, eat something, and focus on you. If it dosen’t get done, it is not the end of the world- it is what it is– (that is my motto for Holiday 2011 
. Don’t forget your “ME” time each day! Peace, Blessings, and only Good Thoughts coming your way.
God im dreading xmas. I dont want to pretend anymore. Im so jealous of other relationships. I want to be happy and doing all the romantic things people do at xmas but not with him. I hate him.
i found out on 1st march and im still feeling like this. Do you think i should have gotten over it by now and the fact that i havent means i should just divorce him?
I dont know how to manage on my own. Ive gone back to college and work part time so i would have to pay childcare and mortgage and bills on my own. i would never manage.
He really wants to sort it out and i want to want to (i know that doesnt make sense) but i have no enthusiasm for it anymore.
Im tired. I want to be with someone who i can cuddle, someone to love. I miss that. I loved being in love. I dont want cuddles from him, i could quite easily kill him sometimes, would be a whole lot easier!
annie
I’m dreading Christmas too. I think I’m so worn out with all the emotions it just seems like a chore. I got very upset last night and all it did was make me feel worse. I can identify with your wish to feel “in Love” I love him as the father of my daughter and as my husband of 26 years and I used to have that in love feeling. I had it all throughout my marriage until now. I don’t think anger is good for me (like last night) I think when we are so tired we can’t make decisions. Just going to school, working and having children to care for is exhausting. Can you scale back on anything for more Mommy time? So many of us overdo and forget to take care of ourselves. Me included. Also I read recently that holidays, birthdays etc. tend to bring back a lot of emotion in the first year or two after the affair.
A wise friend told me once that the opposite of love is not hate as most people think, but rather it is indifference.
I’m not having a great two days, last night I emailed Dr Phil, don’t know what I was thinking, I hope they don’t think I’m a lunatic…..and now today I want so badly to send the OW a note and tell her just how disgusting and some other awful stuff I think about her but I didn’t but I sooooo want to. She has no idea what she has done and if she does she probably doesn’t care one bit. I just want to tell her how she has ruined two families. I keep telling myself what you said JB to just not give her the satifaction or even give her a thought but it is soooo hard! I walk my dogs by her house and I want to slice her tires and throw eggs at her house and throw my doggie bags in her backyard….I know it’s a temporary fix but it just sounds so good right now. I guess because it’s so close to christmas and everyone is out shopping looking like they are having fun and I can’t even crack a smile It just makes it soooo much worse this year. My son’s girlfriend had her tonsils taken out yesterday so I’m helping her which is taking my mind of this a tiny bit but it still sucks!
Tks for letting me vent 
tweety
I think Christmas is a big trigger for most of us. You made me laugh about throwing the doggie pooh bags. I have a big dog and I would gladly help you. Better than snowballs! I don’t know who the OW are. Three married women over the years but a little dog visit is fun to think about. I’ll do it in my imagination and I guess that’s what you’ll have to do too. Visualization. The last thing we need is a trespassing or property damage charge. Just a suggestion, but would it help if you walk the dogs in a different direction?
Hi Jeannie, The doogie pooh bag was funny
I probably need to walk another way but my dogs love the park and you can see her driveway from my park and I’ve lived here 22 years and them not even 3 or 4 years…I feel like it’s my neighborhood, I was here first! I’ve walked my dogs this whole last 11 months that I didn’t know about the affair and nothing. I will walk another way because if I don’t I might rip all her hair out of her head……. thank you for the smile about the bags 
Happy Holiday’s everyone!!
I know it’s hard to think about positive, but just the fact that we have means to write each other is a blessing, not everyone is in that position. I know we are struggling with love ones, but how fortunate are we to have loved. Remember whatever you are going through, always someone that is worse off than you.
Annie - If your husband cheated March 1st and you are still dealing with it, that is very normal. At the same time I think you have some anger that you have not addressed that is causing you not to progress in your journey. I also think it’s time to do some heavy duty work and decide if you want to stay married or not. Living with someone that is causing you anger and pain everyday, that is no way to live. At the same time, I know the potential to be alone is scary as well. I know what you mean by you want to want to but your mind just won’t let you. Are you in a position to get personal therapy for yourself? That might help.
Tweety – my first thoughts after reading your update was exactly what jeannie said, it might help to take dog on a different path. I know you like walking the dogs, but to see her house along the way is not going to do anything but remind you of the affair. Doing this everyday is not going to help your or the marriage. I know you feel like she would ‘win’ if you took a different path, but in my opinion, one change of lifestyle might be a result of the OW, but you have to keep your eyes on the bigger picture, which is how can you feel better overall. And I can not see any possible way that you can feel better walking the dogs by her house everyday. You never know, in taking a different path, you might find or run into a part of the path or park that you never explored before, which is exciting! Take Care..
Jewels and every woman who uses this site. Whether you celebrate Christmas or not it doesn’t matter. I’m sending prayers of Healing, Strength, Peace and Love. May you all be Blessed.
Jewels, The last time I walked the dogs I didn’t go by, I’m trying. It’s very hard! I hope this is normal but I am SO mad at him, I ask him questions and I feel like they are truthful, I guess in my mind they don’t seem like the answers I want to hear and it just makes me more mad. I have days when I don’t think I can go on and try to work it out and then I think I can. I’m just afraid that If it happens again I won’t be able to survive that. I’ve been taking time for myself, I took Christmas morning and went to the beach and walked and walked, by myself I didn’t want to see him come by to see my son. I helped a bit, nice to just hear the ocean and my own thoughts and no phones at all. I hope that all this is normal ?
Jewels, i meant not truthful *
Annie and Tweety — We are all having normal feelings. My D-Day was March 15th and I still struggle at times. My H has been doing the work to rectify our marriage after several “emotional” affairs — one of which he used the L word and kissed her — but I caught it early enough. Christmas came and went — but really no emotion — kind of blank. Usually I cry at Christmas carols or the beauty of it all — but this year –nothing. And I didn’t really put alot of thought into his gifts or didn’t feel much receiving them from him. He gave me a card that said he can’t wait for our life together going forward… again — nothing. And so we will face our D-Day in the next few months. I am staying put for now, but some days I wish I had separated at least for a little while when I found out. Did I give in too soon to stay? But then again he is making his own progress with himself and has made many changes with me. I am working on me. Got out of a really stressful job (so he could fulfill his provider role – that he claims makes him feel needed now – he didn’t feel that way before). But I sometimes think about a new life that I could create for myself and that sometimes excites me. …..I stay to work on my marriage and I trust myself to now know that if anything even remotely sniffs of an affair – I’m gone. And he’s aware of it. He does not go to work functions, no happy hour, always comes home early when he can, calls, I have complete access to everything….but still in the back of my mind are the haunting emails and texts I found. Interesting that more people I talk to say they aren’t happy in their marriages…but stay for the kids. Men and women say it all the time. But the men I used to work with really complained. Didn’t know if their wives were the people they wanted to share the rest of their lives with. I think my husband is like a Cab driver. When the cab is available, the light is on — so people know it and are receptive – Seriously. I think he was projecting that he was interested. So women went for it. Married women who also had their lights on. You have to give signals – so when they say they weren’t looking for it — maybe not outwardly, but subconsciously they had their light on so someone could find them. I am dreading the next three months….God give me the strength to endure it. I feel if I can get past this, I will make it. But if it happens again, at least I gave it my best and it was not meant to be. I just hope I’m not being “duped”. I will never trust 100% again, and maybe I was naiive to even think that way in the first place. I hope everyone is ok after the holidays. We did survive that one. Thanks Jewels for this safe place. No one else can possibly understand.
Ladies- glad to see everyone made it through the holidays. I have had to deal with the OW getting out of rehab early this week. A little strange, but so far no attempts to contact my family. I was a little afraid she might. It was a trigger for sure, when her husband called to tell me. It has been much better for me, since I knew at least for the last few weeks she was away, and I didn’t have to fear running into her. Tweety I too still have those moments when I want to pull her hair out, write her a letter, – I agree the dog poop one is good- even better for me she hates dogs
But those are the moments I stop and re- focus on myself– I first write down my feelings in my journal, and then go do something for me. It is that possibility of finding something new to experience that drives me now. I also started looking at this as an opportunity to grow as a woman. Not for him– for ME. That is just in case it doesn’t work out for us– I will be strong and able to carry on without him. It sounds like to me you still have lots of anger to get out. Exercise is good for releasing the energy- I know you and the dog are getting plenty, but what can you do that is different to relieve some of this hurt and anger? Again, I did something for me- I started going to yoga classes. It isn’t for everyone, but works for me. Is there something you have always wanted to try, but never had the chance? Well here is the chance-show yourself just how strong you are- heal for you –paint, join the gym, one girl friend of mine took a glassblowing class after her husband had an affair– not sure that would help me, but the pieces she made in anger- she later smashed. She said it was great. These feelings never leave, they just get more manageable– at least they have for me. Tweety, Im jealous you have a beach- what a great place to heal. Im glad you are taking a different path with the dog walks–give it time. You are also giving her way too much power- she has NONE– remember that. You are calling the shots in your life- you can be angry, but don’t dwell on her- she is not worth it- believe me. I know the feelings of “if it wasn’t for her in the first place, you wouldn’t have to do this at all”– had those too- but again, everything happens for a reason- and give some of that anger to him-he deserves it. I think of this affair for me as a wake up call for my life- not just my marriage. Luckily so far my marriage is still going forward and is in a really good place- but it is LOTS of work- and like some of the other women here I am tired at times- it is an arduous process for sure. For me the changes that have had to take place for me to heal, have been hard to swallow sometimes, and I was resentful at times for having to do it- but in the process- I have become grateful– I am grateful for all the women here who have and are helping me, I am grateful for the new friends I have met in yoga, I am grateful for the 15 pounds I have lost, I am grateful for the new openess that I have found in myself to take a few chances and do things for myself, and I am proud of myself for the first time in a long, long time- and it feels good. As far as the marriage, I will continue to work and pray it works out, but there are no guarantees on that – he may cheat again, and if he does it is over, but I can’t live with “what ifs”, I have to live with “what is”. I no longer sit and am passive in my own life- I now own it and feel active in it. Right now my recovery is about me– Think about me this week as I once again am the bigger person in this affair and have to see her again- but I am the one with nothing to be ashamed of- in fact I have lots to be proud of! Stay strong ladies and breathe- peace and blessings.
Hi Ladies, Ella I told my husband not to return the night I found out, He was very scared and for good reasons. He doesn’t feel welcome coming over right now and I’m glad because he has to do the hard work to earn his way to come home to the place he loves to be. He chose to do this and he shouldn’t come home and feel like part of his life changed but not all. He isn’t really liking where he lives and maybe he is thinking a lot and, hopefully it jars his brain into realizing what he might lose totally forever if he doesn’t come to his senses. JB after my walk on the beach on Christmas he came over and all broke loose, I had to let it out and it was really bad. I am trying to calm down before I really have the talk that I want to have with him…..and I don’t want to be filled with this rage I’m afraid of what I might do to him cuz I have a temper and I know my limits. He calls and texts me but I stay cold and distant for now and try not to be nasty and mean but it’s very hard. Yes, the OW is in my thoughts and I know that she is not worth it….They still work at the same company and that bothers me to no end and neither can get fired for this….but more and more people are finding out and hopefully she is made to feel very uncomfortable…! I can understand how you must feel JB when she was getting released from rehab…..hopefully she is the one who looks down or away when she sees you knowing she is the coward and you are strong and surviving despite her
I’m going to send some strength and prayers your way to be strong if you do run into her 
It’s funny you mentioned taking care of myself, I love to run and did work out at the gym religiously and when I got the knock on my door I lost interest…I know it will return but right now I’m just trying to concentrate on me. I love to do 1/2 marathons and we did them together so they are on the back burner since I will be doing them alone with 20,000 other people, and not with him. Tonight was funny I had a gingerbread house I got for Christmas and tonight I took a hammer to it and thought of him, I had to break it up anyway to eat it but It was fun thinking of him as I smashed away 
Each day it gets a tiny bit better but getting those flashbacks and triggers are awful !!!! I haven’t decided just yet what I’m going to do, I have to see actions instead of words this time and it can’t be the same as before….I don’t know if he’s willing and able just yet….But after reading his emails to her, I NOW want someone to tell me that stuff and if he can’t be that person then I will have to find someone who can tell me all the great things he told her in them to me and mean it. I deserve it and I’ve been ignored and taken for granted for to long. I do think that If I decide to take him back I can’t even think about if he does it again, I don’t want him back if he isn’t going to be there for me 100% and trying 100% all of the time. In a couple of months, I will be looking for a job since I’m not currently working so if we don’t work out I have a job and money. I am retired from the Navy so I have a pension, medical and dental of my own….but I need to this for me. Get out and meet people and just have my own friends. Ella, I also agree on the Cab light on, that makes sense because they seem to spot the lights if they are unhappy and looking. My husband also said he was unhappy, and not getting enough attention and little things? All news to me because he didn’t communicate very well so I had to read his mind which I guess I was all wrong! Even though we talked and I always asked him if he wanted to talk and if all was ok….He always said yes….well it wasn’t, he lied and lied or he was too afraid to tell me. That is something he needs to fix and work on. Thank you ladies for everything and I love listening to you all, you make me stronger and feel like there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. Hugs
Tweety, you make me laugh- I can see you smashing that gingerbread house
glad it gave you some satisfaction- if only a little. Our first conversations were the same as yours- full of strong emotions and anger. I too have a temper and all I wanted to do was hit him.- but I didn’t. The first several conversations were me screaming at him as loud as I could and him sitting there taking it- not some of best moments for sure, but it helped me get my point across and let him know just how hurt and angry I was (or so I thought). I felt like I was trapped -alone, scared,confused, broken, and not being heard like I thought I should be. I was fighting mainly out of fear and hurt, but not really getting anything accomplished. I was going crazy– I then started writing in my journal- it helped to get all the anger down on paper and out of my head. My therapist also showed me that this was a cycle that would continue unless I started getting the anger out. She also encouraged me to make the conversations more calm and productive. I would/ and still do write down my questions and then I have a plan to follow- it has helped a lot. I also take breaks when I need them- if the conversation is frustrating me I just take a time out and then come back in a few minutes with a more clear mind. I was letting the anger control me, I had to get rid of it and refocus on more positive energy. Not to say I am still not mad at times, but now I have ways to help control it. Our conversations now are so much better- no screaming at all- and we get things accomplished. I too had copies of the journal the OW wrote and some of the texts that they exchanged during the affair- all given to me by my friend and her husband. She was explicit in the description of the affair with words like enchanting, invigorating, and the most passionate sex she had ever experienced. My husband said the same thing your husband is saying that he really didn’t mean what he wrote to her, that it was just in the moment of the affair. I didn’t care- I was so hurt by their words to each other- I wanted to be the one that was on the receiving end of the loving comments as well, but in reality I wasn’t- and I had to face that. After reading them, over, over and over, it did nothing but make it hurt more and I was really not getting anywhere by doing that- my therapist told me I had to get rid of them so I could move forward. I burned them in the outdoor fire pit one night- it was liberating. I still feel hurt by the words, but I no longer obsess over them. I think I held on to them for all those weeks, because it was my proof that this had all really happened -like you the affair had ended months ago and it was all I had at the time that proved to me that this was my reality. I now realize that those parts of the affair are not so much a burden for me to bear, but for him to deal and live with- he knows how much he hurt me- he tries daily to prove his love for me now- and it is getting so much better for me. So you are a runner- run, run, and run some more- you are a strong worthy woman- if you can run a marathon you can do anything 
Find some way to release this anger- it will eat you alive if you allow it to- get rid of it- and bring some positive energy in to replace it. Each day you put yourself in a better place, each day you survive things you never thought you could, and each day you heal a little bit more. I have read and heard from others here, that we will never fully get over these triggers, but we can use the coping tools that we have to make it bearable- you are just looking for those tools right now- they too will come to you. I pray each night that you find more peace each day as you find your way on your journey– you are a beautiful worthy woman- don’t stoop to her level no matter what– you are so much better than that my friend. Peace and blessings
Hi ladies……Yes JB it was rather funny smashing that thing….and it did feel good. I am working up to the talk with him…I don’t want to be filled with so much rage, nothing will be solved with me getting so angry. I am still so angry I know I need to know how to work thru the anger and not let it fester. I think he knows how I feel but Needs to know the real depth and then it’s all out. I also want him to confess and tell the truth for once and put it all out there. So we will see. I did start writing in a journal and never did that before and I wish my hands would move as fast as my thoughts. But its’ coming out slowly. I agree with you with the emails and things they wrote…I think i’m not ready yet I haven’t gotten the answers from him on the words and how he could write them and not mean them. After he and I talk then maybe I will do like you did…..
something to work towards. Yes, I’m a runner I’ve always ran….I ran to clear my thoughts and something to do….and then he started running with me ….and we did alot of 1/2 marathons together….but now I feel he is not going to be doing them. I will still run….right now I’m not in the right frame of mind or have the energy to run…But I know I will be back soon. I have a few questions…..How do you figure out how to get through the thoughts of them together and what they did and how deceiving they were. I can’t seem to shake that image…it haunts me I know time will but It’s so painful right now. Also in the beginning how did you look at him and not get filled with rage I can’t see to look at him right now…due to the images. I’m trying really hard to control myself and not show him, but it’s eating me up inside. Last one….when you have the pain inside how to you figure out how to turn that pain in to something that u can grow and learn from and not have it hurts so much. I know I ask alot of questions but I’d rather ask you on here I feel you all understand so well. And I still feel like showing her the pain she and he has caused and I know not to stoop to either of their levels….I keep repeating your words.. 
THANK YOU so much for letting me vent. I hope tomorrow is a little bit brighter 
HUGS
me and my husband have been married for almost 7 years now he had cheered before and I did it to him as revenge that was at our first year of marriage.after that ended it was just us for these last 6 years we have two kids now. He had started school and meet a girl there Breonna, all this time I had no clue he was taking to her behind my back untill I was out of town and checked the bank statements there is were I saw that he had went out to dinner and payed for two so I confronted him and kicked him out.so he left and stayed with her until one month after he came back being to come back so we got back together and moved in to an apparent and then one month after I find out that this home wreaker goes and tells their teacher to tell Sal..my husband that she loves him and too call her..shoo the Treacher gives him the message..he calls and I find out..I leave take my kids with me and again one this time three Weeks later he starts begging shoo there I go takes him back move back in and things were not going so good he had these attitude that just wasn’t working with me I mean after taking all his BS I should be treated better…so I leave…we were gonna stay togethere but septate to work on both of us..and so one time I go to the apartment and find synch of used
Tweety,
I have major anger issues before I found out about the affair. And until the affair was out in the open I didn’t know how much control that I really did have with my anger. I also have a journal that I write in to express how I feel and questions that I have in my head as to why this is happening to me. It really does help to write down your feelings.
As far as him confessing, I feel like a lot of men will not confess. And if they do, they sugar coat it. Like my husband, when he did start to spit out the “truth”. He was lying to me, he swear up and down that him and the OW is just friend and he was just talking to her. It’s funny how they get caught up and still proceed to lie their way out of the situation (problems). But yeah he was lying to me, I found out the hard way that he wasn’t just talking to her. He was sexually involved. And my doctor confirm that. It still makes me so mad that he put my health at risk for his own pleasure. Not even caring that he could have giving me something else that I can’t cure.
You also mention that you are a retired Navy personal. It’s funny cause my husband is in the Navy and he cheated on me with someone he work with. And ever since I found out about the affair (august) I’ve told a lot of military wives and they been through it too!! I just wanted to as you a few question since you are a retired woman from the service and by the way thank your for serving the country!! Is this common in the Navy? With cheating and all because I hear so many stories from my husband (the cheater also) about men and women cheating on their spouse. And is it common that a lot of the single Navy female sleeps with the married man. Cause that’s what happen to me? The part that pisses me off is that when you are in they Navy and you work in the same shop you tend to know each other business (married, kids etc). So she knew he was married and yet she still proceed to go on with my husband and his lying ways.
I’m sorry I am coming at you with these questions. I just wonder you know? Ughh… Life shouldn’t be sad, yet I feel sad on and off all the time. I really do wish you the best!! And I hope that things will be better in time for you!!!
Tweety, I am so glad that you are thinking more clear now. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but you are starting to stop and think- and not just react- that is moving:) Yea– I know it stills feels awful, but the fact that you can hope for tomorrow to be brighter is a HUGE step in the right direction. The cobwebs are clearing-you are stronger for sure. That is a good sign. I am glad you are planning your conversation with him- I do pray he will be an open book for you- it hurts like hell, but it is the only way to heal. I will tell you about our discovery conversations- that is all I know, but I am sure others here can shed light on this as well for you. I had a super hard time getting the pictures of them out of my head also, but I think the reason I have been able to put them in a safe place- they never totally leave-just fade, and not dwell on them is because he was honest with me and while it HURT to hear him answer these super personal detailed questions- it was the only way I could get through it. First I wrote the questions down in my journal- 1. so that I would remember to ask everything I wanted and 2. so I would have the courage to ask some of them. That is hard for me to just come out and ask him questions about having sex with another woman- but I had to do it. I asked him all the basics like When did it start? Who made the first move? How did it start? Did you ever think about me, and if so what were you thinking? Did you love her? What attracted you to her? What were your conversations like together? Did you buy her things or give her money? That was important for me- she has a drug problem and I needed to be able to share that with my friend her husband. I asked, Did you think of the fallout and consequences with us, the kids, or your friendship with her husband? I asked a lot of sex questions too, I wanted to know- some people don’t-but I had to know details. I also asked Where did it happen?== becareful on this one- may not want to ask this one right off the bat– this one HURT– They had sex in our house- several times- as well as her house, and a hotel. They had sex in our playroom on the sofa- needless to say that sofa is GONE- out of the house that day, Salvation Army got a really expensive sofa with really bad karma
The worst was when he told me that they had sex in our bed! Yes, my bed. I was crushed- so violated-furious. It still brings up frustration with me- what in the )(*& was he thinking? Obviously he wasn’t! That has taken a while to get out of my head, but I made him buy me all new bedding (I bought the most expensive sheets I could find 
– they are nice 
but I couldn’t get rid of the bed- I love my bed and we just bought one of those sleep number beds last year- so it was too expensive to give away. Plus it is MINE!!! That was hard for me. As far as looking at him- give it time. The anger will fade when and if he is honest with you- and gives you the whole ugly truth. It didn’t happen for me during the conversation-I had to process it- For me when I saw it in his face, and you will know, you have been married to this man your whole life- if they are telling the whole truth you will know-even if they are good liars- your intuition will tell you- and it is right most of the time- I just knew- and I found the first positive in the whole mess- he told the truth! That was huge. We know when it is real- my husband was visibly broken from all of this- and he began to prove to me that he was serious about fighting for the marriage. He immediately started seeing the therapist, within the first week of me finding out. So by the first few conversations he was already able to realize just how much damage was done. After that he had to begin to show me the tenderness and compassion that I needed to let him back into my arms and eventually into our bed. But this took time. I knew when it was right- and you will to0- if ever- just follow your gut on that one. I was so scared that I was giving in to him, but I just let it happen slowly and naturally. When I felt like I needed a hug I let him touch me- if I didn’t feel it I didn’t. Now we are better and I have found trust again As far as turning the pain into something positive. Well, that just happens too. You will wake up one day and not feel so angry, you will feel lighter-not completly out of the dark, but you feel like you have shed all the tears you can, felt sad and sorry for yourself all you can, and you just say to yourself- I’m ready to not focus on this today and you don’t- the energy changes and you turn a corner for yourself. I know it sounds simple enough, but it isn’t- it is hard to pull yourself up- and the hardest thing is we have to do it alone. I think that is one of the things I am most proud of myself in all of this -I didn’t let the affair direct my life- I took charge and made it work for me. By that I mean, I started seeing that the affair happened for a reason, while I wasn’t taking any responsibility for it or was in any way glad that it happened I knew that after all these years for him to do something like this there was a reason- even if neither of us knew what it was right now- I knew we had a lot of work to do and part of the problem was me. I started really focusing on me and talking to my therapist- she began to show me ways to be more open with him- I never was one to completely tell him what I felt- after 30 years together we just fell into patterns– I had grown into a woman, but really never expressed my needs and desires to him -just as he had never done with me- sad now that I think about it, but that is the truth. She made me see that in reality the affair probably saved our marriage- of course I didn’t know it needed to be saved, but eventually something would have happened. Now we are working on making our marriage even better than before, because it is open and honest- and that feels GREAT. During that time- and still now, when I think of the affair I think ok, this is what I have to deal with- our reality is we are a statistic- he had an affair- he betrayed me- he is getting help- we are working on this together- either learn from what is wrong and be better for it together- or I go forward without him and build a life for me. Both of these options are positive and both require more soul searching and personal awareness than I ever thought, but once you make the choice as to what you should do – you will see the positives. Don’t ever apologize for asking the questions- you have to remember strength comes with knowledge-that is the beauty of this site- everyone here really understands and has felt the same feelings- each of us get there — all different ways and time frames- but we get there- it is just nice to have someone on the sidelines cheering you on and hold you up when you need it- God knows the women here have done that for me- you are healing my friend and it is painful- no way around that- you will make it- stay strong, focused, and calm- I hope your tomorrow is brighter also– Happy New Year- 2012 will be a much better year for all of us. Peace, blessings and lots of HUGS
This is to BeBe….
I was in the Navy reserve and my husband retired active USAF. Unfortunately, cheating is common everywhere even in the military among military personnel. I hated the phrase “what goes on TDY stays on TDY”.
HOWEVER, the military member if turned in can be charged with adultery and get kicked out or busted down a rank. But so many wives are afraid to turn their husbands in because it is their only income.
If I had known my husband was cheating when he was active, I would have turned him in to his commander. Yes, that would have made him lose his retirement but by this affair, it was his number 3 and I had enough. He needed to see that his decision to be stupid would cost him everything, his marriage, his family, his career, his retirement for a piece of ass. So, he would really ask himself, “was it worth it”?
Theresa,
It’s funny that you mention “what goes on TDY stays on TDY”. Because if I am not mistaken his whole division knew about the affair and no one said anything. Even the higher rank people. Like his chief and first class. It also makes me mad because after I found out his first class wanted to spill the beans on him. Ain’t that something?
I thought about turning him into his commander plenty of time. I know that he can get in trouble to fraternization because the OW was under him. But then I thought to myself that I would be taking away from my kids because I am a stay at home mom of two. I have to base my decisions on what’s best for me and my kids. I did how ever was very close to turning him in because after the fact that I told him to cut all contact he was still talking to the OW. That would be a good way at getting him back but then it would just make me feel bad. Because I did that out of anger. This is the first affair that he has had that I know of since he’s been in the service. But I believe that there was more, but I didn’t know about it. Because of that “what stay” shit that they be doing. Thank you for responding!!!
I just recently found out my husband cheated on me. We just go married Dec.18 and 5 days later he slept with one my bridesmaids. We have been together for 4 years and have a 2 yr old daughter together. He had unprotected sex with her and tried to hide it. I only found out because I read his messages on his phone after he wouldn’t let me see his phone. We have always been open with each other about everything until now. I don’t know what to do with a marriage that is broken to begin with. We were suppose to be in the happy newly wed stage and instead I am lost. I don’t know what to do. How do I move on from this?
Keesh,
I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this at a time in your life that you should be happy that you are married to the one that you love. And it’s even worse that he cheated on you with one of your bridesmaid. I mean really? She should be ashamed and embarrassed to do such a thing to a friend. And to top it off he had unprotected sex which means that he put your health at risk for his own pleasure. It sucks because I feel the same way. Me and my husband use to be so open and honest with each other up until he started to cheat. Now I feel like I really can’t tell him things and I try not to tell him either. It sucks when you put so much into your relationship only to have it be destroy for a piece of ass.
At this point you are devastated. You need time for yourself to think things over. He needs to show you that he truly is sorry for what he did and he needs to be transparent when it comes to you. Just remember that you did nothing wrong and what your feeling in normal. Try to take good care of yourself and be strong. Not just for you but for your child. She needs a healthy and happy mother to take care of her. Well I hope things do get better from here on for you, take care!
JB, I’d like to think I’m thinking clearly somedays, but the waves are the hardest and all of the thoughts they come on very hard. I have been writing all of my questions down and writing in a journal, it is helping a little each day and also makes me mad. I do hope also he answers them honestly and doesn’t give me the i don’t knows, those are the worst! My husband did schedule his appt and I wish I could be a fly on that wall
I’d love to hear exactly what comes out of his mouth. I sometimes look at him when I can and wonder who the heck are you and where is my husband?????? Your husband sounds alot like mine….with his answers also. I have gotten some answers but I’m gonna get the bulk in person, and not in my house it will have to be a neutral place. My home now has to be drama free for me I need peace here. My husband and I were like you and your husband for some reason we stopped talking about what was important we traveled, talked, and had fun but it was like a real closeness. He said I wasn’t happy, I was but not about everything he did. And I totally reacted to him which didn’t help. If he came home in a bad mood I wouldn’t know what to do..I gave him space and he said I didn’t care and the vicious cycle continued like that. I’d talk to him he didn’t hear a thing I said and of course when he talked I was mad he didn’t hear me and on and on. I know we need some serious help after he gets HIS help, and maybe then I can have a better view of what I can and can’t accept. I still feel like it’s not fair or even. He gets to have all the FUN if you can call that and I still only get him in the end. I know that seems harsh but I want some fun too, but I wanted that with him not for him to find someone else. I hope that makes sense. I finally got some sleep with a little help I hadn’t been sleeping since this happened and that has helped me alot to finally get some rest.
Happy New Year to you also….Hugs
I want to book a seminar in March to Seattle its for the betrayed spouse and it’s being held by the Berchts. She wrote a book “My husbands affair was the best thing that happened to my marriage” I’ve read her book and I think that it would be nice to get away and meet people that are in the same boat and a couple that fought and are still together. I need to do this for me now and hopefully I get some good advice too.
Thank you for all you write, you give me something to look forward too. Your WORDS
My 55 year old husband of almost 30 years confessed to sleeping with his 28 year old protege from work. Yes, he’s her mentor, her boss, a professional. They were on a business trip in October. When he came home from the trip on Nov 13th, I knew something was wrong with him, his behavior was extremely eratic. I’ll spare all the details due to time and space, however, at that time, he did admit that there was an attraction, but nothing happened except an embrace. He said she made him feel good, laughed at his jokes. He told me he ended it before Thanksgiving; he supposedly told her their relationship could only be professional. I emailed her, and she told me the same garbage. “Yes, your husband and I crossed the line, and we know it was wrong, and we have decided to maintain a professional relationship only.” She has since moved out of the area, across the country, but I found him the other day googling her address so he could “send her something”. I reminded him “no contact”. Two days later, he confessed that they had actually slept together on the business trip. Of course didn’t use protection. I threw him out of the house, then went straight to the dr. for blood tests for STDs. We are both in counseling. He says he wants to stay in the marriage, is ashamed for what he did. Swore it was only once. One part of me wants to take him back and try and rebuild the marriage. I just don’t know how to ever believe she is out of the picture. He has given me access to his phones, emails, etc. I have software on both our computers so I can see what he’s doing. That’s how I found out he was googling her. I just feel so confused, hurt and betrayed. I’m glad I found this forum. At least I know I’m not the only one out there.
Sally, you are not alone-everyone here has experienced an affair and is dealing with all the same emotions that you are feeling. You will find your way- sounds like to me you are doing the things that YOU need (space, counseling)- also feel fortunate that your husband is willing to give you full access and be honest with you- many husbands don’t- as you will read here. We are all hurt and betrayed- the thing we have to overcome is the fear- fear of being hurt again, fear of the unknown, fear of something new, fear of being alone, or maybe the fear of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable again– it is all so hard to work through. You will know when and if you can trust again. Until then, remember the women of this site are here to help you and be part of your journey– Peace and Blessings.
Tweety, we did it- we made it to 2012! I have thought those exact same things- like great I forgive and all I get after all the hard work, pain, and tears– is him –that’s not really fair. I thought it was just me. I believe these thoughts are just part of processing the betrayl. One of us left the marriage- he betrayed us- he went out and jumped that fence- he got to see if the grass was actually greener on the other side. I have thought about what it would feel like to have an affair. Isn’t that part of the allure of the forbidden? Really- I would never in a million years do it- but I wonder what it would be like- then I think – that is just what I need more drama
No Thanks got plenty of that! Betrayl is so raw and open– it cuts deep and the wound is slow to heal. I can tell you this- all that fun that you want to have with your husband you can- me well -let’s just say things are different now in all parts of my marriage. The time we spend together is real- there is that real connection and communication that we had lost in our marriage, things mean more to us or at least we see the meanings now. The sex is incredible- it took time for me to let him back into my bed- but when I did feel comfortable the new openess we have made sex beautiful in a new way. I know sounds crazy after 25 years of marriage, but it is true- it is a very bright light. I am honest now with my needs. I am having some of that fun with him- we just had to go through hell to get there. We were away this weekend, and both agreed that some of the things we are now aware of in our relationship were just right there- so simple- so available- why we didn’t see them or do them we will never know- but we didn’t and it took an affair to wake us up– that sucks but I’m glad I am here in this place now. I think the seminar sounds great. I have read about them online. Good luck I can’t wait to hear about it if you decide to go. Lastly, just a word of caution- when asking him all the questions, expect to get some “I don’t know’s” After going through this with very little patience for I don’t know, I have learned that they really don’t know some of the answers. The thing you have to consider then is -is he willing to do the work to try and answer them. That is where I knew my husband was committed to me and the marriage- he is doing the work. Cheers to the New Year–may it bring all of us more peace in our lives.
Happy New Year all. Hoping to start with a cleaner slate this year. BUT — I need some advice …. for those of you who had gone through a year after the affair — how did you handle the D-day anniversary and dates that you knew he was having an affair. I’m struggling because my D-day is in March – but he started it in mid-January. I was filling out my new calendar for 2012 and was looking back at last year’s for birthdays, appts, etc… and WOW — the triggers. He wrote some work functions on the calendar and I know now that he was late because he was busy driving her to her car after work (she used a park and ride and took a bus into the city — but parked near her house) and stopping for a drink along the way. He even got a limo the day AFTER Valentine’s Day to take her home. SO — my question is how did you “celebrate” holidays or how did you just “endure” the days. I’m really trying to make this work. I didn’t have any meltdowns over Christmas/New Years — which is amazing. BUT — these upcoming months will feel different. I do get resentful as you all said — they got to have fun, those butterfly feelings — etc. — and we got pain. Yes, they are doing the work, but they still get us. So this will sound weird, but I still sometimes get mad when we have a fun time. I think — this is better than before — he has changed and is more positive. BUT still…..after what he put us through — how can this be fair. So I still have a little bitterness. Just hoping for some advice on how to get through all of these trigger times. I know they will come up and I feel horrible when they do — it makes me feel worse — I get it off my chest, but it puts me in a bad place again.
Ella, The triggers get less but they will remain. I am going on 5yrs Aug 7th is my D day. When it hits I am quiet and keep to myself. I don’t think my husband even really knows the D day. I try to also keep myself distracted from it by shopping and spending his money since I am unemployed thanks to him. (lost job due to stress) Days like Valentines day are hard because I don’t think he means what he says on that day. (he says the right things but I have a hard time believing him). My wedding anniversary is 1 week before valentines day so I try and make that day worth trying to beieve!
Thanks LisaP — that’s what I’m afraid of. The triggers always remaining. I’m doubting things from before his A — years ago when he had female “friends” who he called and never told me about them. So I still have doubts even though he is moving forward with a new way. Am I stupid for staying? I guess I’ll find out…and have to trust myself. That’s what my counselor told me — to trust myself. We can’t always trust others — but we can trust ourselves, our instincts when something doesn’t feel right, etc. Sometimes I wish I had left initially…but now it’s been a year and at times, I’m half in/half out. I will always be “on guard” — and that is what I struggle with. I hate that uneasiness. But then if I met someone else, would I still need to be? I hear horror stories and used to hear the men I used to work with. Many of them cheated on their wives. They were sick of their lives — bored…. is this all there is kind of a feeling, did I make the wrong choice feeling. It was scary to listen to them …. and now I find myself probably in that same place. It makes me mad that the OW had an upper hand and got him to cheat — although I know it was him who made that decision. But she was apparently attractive — It drives me crazy not knowing what she looks like. She’s on Facebook but doesn’t have a picture. Ugh. I still have my good days and bad and just don’t know if I should even acknowledge Valentine’s Day this year — or just say — I’m skipping it this year. I guess I will know when the time comes as it’s still awhile away. Thanks for your input. I value your opinion!
Hi Ladies. I have 2 1/2 years under my belt and the triggers remain. I become quiet and sometimes very very sad. My kids, all over 17 notice and only our son, 20, figured it out. I am still hoping the triggers go away but it is crazy sometimes what sets my feelings rolling. I understand about having a good time and having that bring back the hurt. I think of how or what they did together to laugh and it makes me crazy. Even during intimate times I often get upset just wondering. I know who she is, what she looks like and that none of that even works into why I am upset. I think the emotional attatchment is what gets me the most. Yes, the physical can make me insane but the emotional is definitely the worst. We do not celebrate anything that does not directly involve the kids anymore because it is just easier on our relationship right now. It works…most of the time.
Georgia — I feel the same. It’s the emotional connection that kills me. I caught my husband before they slept together — but she was trying to figure out a way — she kept suggesting they needed to figure out how to do an overnight and they were looking forward to an evening later in the month I found out — where my husband put a work event on his calendar – it was her company’s event. They were probably planning something that night. She is married with a 9-year old son that she had to be home for. But she worked for my husband’s department as a temp worker and was there on a project. She is no longer there…but it doesn’t help. I told her husband — she claimed to be this religious person and talked about church all the time — and she’s cheating on her husband and son!!! He thanked me for telling him actually — thought something wasn’t right — but it helped him figure things out. I just don’t know what will make me feel any better other than time. But my feelings toward marriage are definitely different. I may follow your holiday lead Georgia — I don’t think I can honestly say he is my “one and only valentine” — when I clearly wasn’t his last year. GRRRRRR.
Ella, Georgia, You know we are damned if we stay and damned if we go. Because we are the victims in this regardless which direction we choose. Jewels still talks about her D day and she left. I and others stayed and we all still feel pain, maybe not a strong as it use to be but we do. So there is NO right answer to all our questions. We are all here because we feel the need to connect with others who have been through affairs.
Hi I also left, and while in my heart of hearts I know I did the right thing. I really have lost all respect and love for my husband, life is hard. I feel lonely, but as lonely as I was staying in my marriage, but I am still lonely.
I know few people now, as I moved away from him.
Money is tight as he will not sort out the finances for our divorce. I have just lost my job. So in the last 2 months I have moved home twice, lost 3 jobs (I worked with him, so lost that one) I then took on two temporary jobs, bith of which have come to an end. Welfare say I can’t get any help as my name is on the house deeds, therefore I have assets.
I feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall.
Along with this I have just discovered my sons marriage has now ended. A lot of stress in a few short months.
my advice to anyone who is unsure what to do, prepare yourself financially! Stash money away while you decide what your best options are.
Be prepared. For all the financial problems, I’m glad I have gone!
Good luck ladies x
JB, Yes, I made it, it’s 2012. It was very sad we were supposed to go to mexico and plan his company trip coming this feb and I didn’t go so he took our son. My son loved it. I on the other hand I’m not fairing too well. I sort of opened pandora’s box. I found some emails and looked into them. Saw a side of him I didn’t know existed. I really don’t know what I’m going to do now…I don’t know much of anything. I am so lost right now. I am so frightened and lonely that I don’t see any end to this. All that I know is that he really hasn’t been honest for a long time and I don’t know when I talk to him if he will really tell me everything. I know most of it and need answers. I’m so ashamed and embarrasshed and sick of all of it….I know it wasn’t me but how could I be so stupid and dum. How could I miss all of it. All I ever did was love him for him. But I don’t think I was really loving the guy I married 25 years ago, he is different now. I don’t know what he thinks anymore. The sad part is I feel that I’ve lost my judgement and senses because some days I want to work it out and then somedays I don’t. I’m afraid If I leave If I find someone else will that person be like him….I don’t want to go through this again. He tells me he loves me and will do anything to make it right again and what ever I say he will do. He is just waiting. But can I trust him, after all that I have found. But I don’t know what I can live with or not. This is so hard. I wish someone can wave a wand and make all this go away….
This hurt is unbearable right now.
Tweety- I am so sorry that you are having to go through even more right now. I think you have talk to someone- I know you mentioned finding a therapist- are you still seeing her/him ? You need someone to help you sort through it all- one thing that happened to me and I am sure many other women when they go through such a trauma- I think I read where someone here has PTSD- so this is nothing to fool around with–seek help if you need it– period–YOU are the most important thing right now– get you to where you need to be. These emotions are overwhelming and powerful-it is as if everything gets all jumbled up together, sort of like a big file drawer without any files to neatly put things away in the right place-we get the info and it is too painful to process or we don’t know how so we just throw it in the drawer on top of the other stuff and it piles up and up and up. Never getting procesed or sorted. I felt like this (sometimes still do) I couldn’t take it- I thought I would explode. I don’t think I could have done it without my therapist. She has been able to keep me sorting through each thing by itself- not one big giant clump of stuff all at the same time. It has helped just to have someone help me process and look at the reality of my situation for what it truly is without all the emotions attached- I was too full of anger, hurt, and fear- that is something I still have to work on constantly–. Remember you are in the discovery phase still, you haven’t finished discovering everything- but you are in charge– don’t ever forget that. Relieve this stress somehow- seek help, run, meditate, yoga, something— don’t let this destroy you– nothing is worth that. You are right – he is different- mine is too- These men are different than they were 25 years ago, and so are we. Gosh, I hope I am better than that silly 22 year old with wide eyes and no fricking clue as to what was about to become her life–
We grew up and apart somehow- even if we both didn’t know it–but for this moment focus on YOU!!! Again, you have to put YOU first-in all your actions, thoughts, and needs. He was selfish and self-centered when he had the affair- Now it is your turn. It is soooooooooooo HARD to do, but good when it happens. Also stop living with the “what if’s” only live with the “what is”– You can’t worry right now about what if he will cheat again, if he will see her again, etc.. Remember this is not just another fight you had with your husband, this is a life changing event- and change is hard and difficult. BREATHE my friend– I am thinking about you– HUGS and more HUGS
JB, I have a therapist but I need to see if I can see her more often or someone else…I was given some meds but it seems like that doesn’t seem to help it. They are so I can sleep. I do need help sorting this out. I feel hopeless and alone. I don’t know what to do with the pain that is inside it is overwhelming and almost paralyzes me. I am trying to stay busy and but it seems to invade all of my life. I would look for a job but that would be a joke right now I would be a total mess interview wise. I don’t know how he looks at himself in the mirror everyday and likes what he sees is beyond me. I don’t think he or any of them know how they can ruin another human beings soul and spirit by their selfish acts. And if they did would they even care? I know all this is all about him and not me, I just can’t get over the fact that he could do that and whatever else he’s been up to and carry on with his life like nothing is happening. I swear he was always home, didn’t go out, we took trips, we had date nights, we I thought were talking, we made time to do things, why did I miss the signs…….I know that they get smarter and sneakier but come on after awhile doesn’t it eat them up inside and they feel sick? I know I couldn’t even come close to what he’s been doing and not feel total guilt. I’m just scared and frightful of my future, I don’t know what is it like not to have him it’s been me and him for so long. So I thought. Thanks for letting me get this out I treasure your advice since everyone here knows exactly what I’m going through. hug
tweety1029, It called SHOCK! I think I was in it for 1yr. I was depressed and emotionally not even there for my kids. My kids where older & teens at the time so they took care of themselves. I didn’t sleep for almost 3months I tried but the shock of everything kept waking me up the minute I fell asleep. I still don’t know how I made it through that time but my body did. I found a massage works at relieving some of the tention but tell the massage therapist you might start crying during it (because I did) so much release happen with just one massage. The meds I got too didn’t work at all I should have asked for something more. I was a zombie for 1yr. I went to work, came home and curled up in a ball on my bed and cried everyday and night for what seemed forever! My world had just fallen apart and he was doing nothing to fix it. You will get threw this, I did and others too. Just hang in there and keep taking to us.
Hi, I have been married 10 yrs and have 2 small kids. My husband is fixated with escort services and the last I know he used them was 4 years ago. When I found out we went counselling and I said I forgave him but I really didn’t. The hurt was still there, time flew by and we had arguments and I said nasty things to him but we just go on with parenting and life duties. We also had good times too and I actually started to think things were okay and this was how life would be, with him and the kids. 1 month ago I found a book that detailed our finances, list of escort sites and a girl name with fantasy’s underneath. I confronted him and he said that he wanted to leave and he was not happy with his life – the sites were part of research he was doing as he wanted to start his own escort service, the girls name was someone he has met for coffee twice and the fantasy’s were just thoughts. We argued that day and he burnt the book . Anyway I feel hurt all over again but for some strange reason I don’t want him to leave me and feel that I am at point in my head now where I have forgiven him from 4 yrs ago and can also forgive him again for the book. He wants to go counselling by himself to figure why he is doing these things which I encourage but he still hasn’t said he wants to stay with me or kids – he just keeps saying he is confused about everything. Please let me know your thoughts.
Tweety-Glad to hear you are still seeking help, and LisaP has a great idea- a massage. Something just for you and wonderful at the same time. Perfect escape for an hour- try the hot stones if they offer it- they feel great. I understand that you are beating yourself up a little over not seeing the signs- ME TOO. I had NO idea– they are very crafty at hiding it. I know how you feel – we have been married to these men forever and we know their moods, habits, routines, etc… Nothing at my house changed- There were a few (very few) signs now that I really start thinking about it and know the history, but still nothing I couldn’t have attributed to something else. But realize that is just what they bank on- we are so set in the routines and consistency of life – if they just move through the water without causing waves — we don’t see it- we trust them and have trusted them all our lives-until they did this. My husband didn’t go to clubs or stay out late, he was home, helped with the girls, participated in our life- date nights, social functions, trips, etc..that part can be distubing- How in the heck did I miss this? but your radar is heightened now- trust me– I see things and am super hypersensitive to what is going on. Don’t put too much effort into blaming or questioning yourself. I just made it perfectly clear to my husband that I would not be made a fool of and would never be a doormat again- EVER. If I even get a wiff that he is not being upfront with me– he is out! No questions, no explinations, not excuses, no talking — just OUT– and I am done. Don’t get a job unless you want to or have to– give yourself some more time for YOU. I am a teacher and it was so hard to stay focused on my job and my students– super hard that first week. I am sure my co-workers saw changes in me, but no one asked so I was good. It also allowed me to wear that “mask” for longer periods of time and forced me to keep it together for the 8 hours I was there. I thought about a leave of absence, but the more I got through each day, then each week, and now months, I find that school is the one place that hasn’t been touched by this affair. It is a safe place for me. I have my students to keep me occupied and focused on the tasks at hand. I think of it as part of my sanctuary. Don’t get me wrong there were days when all I could do was push my lunch around on the plate- never taking a bite and breaking down on my way home in the car, but while I was there I forced myself to keep it together — I was and still am safe there. I should have gotten some meds during those first weeks, I did take some sleeping meds (left over from my trip last summer) and those helped. I have several girlfriends who take meds for depression, stress, OCD, etc… They swear by them, there are so many choices out there- surely you can find some relief. For me the breathing and 5 yoga classes a week have been my key. Without it I am not sure where I would be. Make the small decisions right now- maybe a volunteer job for a few hours-no major committments or added stress- something you have always wanted to try- but never took the time- you may already be involved in something like that-see what is out there in your area to start putting some substance back in your life. Giving to others can take your mind off yourself and the pain- not to forget what is happening but to give yourself, mind and body some relief. Once it happens once, you will stop and realize “hey I’m not crying, I’m smiling on my own, I’m doing something good and feel better for the moment”. Then you will know you are on your way. Those little glimpses of peace do eventually add up to something significant- just give it time. Thinking about you- Hugs and more Hugs.
lisam from Canada, glad you found the site- I don’t have any personal experience with a husband hooked on escort services, but I am sure there are others here that can shed light on your situation. I can tell you that Jewels and all the women here are supportive and honest with one another. We all have been hurt by men we loved and have all been betrayed. You have been through this twice, so you know how hard it is to stay. I hope your husband does seek the help he needs to figure out what is triggering such destructive behavior, and that he will be honest with you during the process. Peace and Blessings along your journey.
Hi Ladies…..Yes, Lisa I know I’m still in shock …. I’m trying and I’m not getting anywhere. I know it will come but while I’m here it’s very bad. I know I shouldn’t do this but my brain won’t shut off, I go over all of it in my head and try to think of signs and changes and nothing. Yes, JB I agree we are in our routines and if he doesn’t change that he’s undetected. I can’t believe how slick he was. I know we werent’ perfect and yes he has done texing things in the past we went to counseling in 2006 thought we were working on it but I think I was the only one trying. He looked like he was but he wasn’t. I don’t know if he really knows what damage he has done to me. I try to tell him how I feel now and I don’t think he fully understands. I do get massages he got me a years membership last year and another year this year so I get one every month, and my massage guy is like 65 years old and very nice. He is very concerned for me right now and checks on me regularly. I try to get out everyday to seem normal and not stay in the house all day, and slowly be around people but not for long. I also think of my future with or without him and that is very hard to do. I’ve only been with him just like you JB forever it seems. I can’t picture myself alone and trying to date now? But I know not to go to far ahead or my head will explode. I keep thinking baby steps. Lisa, did you stay with your husband? Did his counseling help? JB and Lisa I don’t know how you both worked thru this I know it was a break from it but I think I would be a basketcase and make lots of mistakes
I hope I get to where you are now…I read and re-read everything everyone writes hoping it sticks in my head, that’s how I’m getting thru each day THANK YOU everyone 
I talk to him tomorrow wish me luck hugs 
Hi ,I have been married for 25 yrs and I only have one child left at home who is 20yrs.I found out 3 1/2 years ago that my husband had been sleeping around while he was away with work and then started with one other when he was back home.I moved out to the coast only 45min drive as I have always found it very relaxing he started parking outside saying he couldn’t be away from me.we went to counselling seperately and in time as a couple he said it had only happend 7 times in the 2 years and that it ment nothing and that he always loved me and our family 3mths later he moved into my apartment so we could start rebuilding our marrige it took me 9 mths before we moved back home. I still went through alot of ups and downs I never fully trusted him I think I just went through the motions I still felt like my heart was broken I didn’t see him in the same way but we did go back to having some fun times with our kids and grandkids some kind of normal then my sister was going through a devorce( for the same thing) It was like it all came flowing back ,August 2011 she asked me to go down and help her pack I felt abit uneasy so I had a friend keep an eye on things and the very same day I flew out that night he got a hooker out of the paper to our home and on our bed my friend rang me and played part of the recording I rang him straight away off cause he denied it but I know what I heared I repeated part of the conversation and hung up the next morning I couldnt say anything to my sister as she was still going through hell herself so I helped her pack and flew home. I have done alot of crying ,screaming how can someone that says they love you can hurt you so bad the last time I realy wanted to go and do the same thing just so he would now how it hurts but its just not me. I now feel completely broken I feel my hole marrige has been a lie don’t trust my own judgment I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth I just exsist Im not finacial enuogh to move out we do talk about the business and family not realy about what happend he acts like he is sick of hearing about it he has said he was sorry and that it would never happen again and that he will do anything to fix our marrage and that I could put a tracker on him so I know where he is at all times but what sort of a life is that, Im going for my first counselling today hopefuly that will be my starting point .PS Thank you all for this site I to read everything many times over.
Tweety- I am thinking about you!!!! Stay strong tomorrow. Don’t get yourself too worked up- Calm and Focused should be your mantra
Follow your heart and try not to let the anger and emotions keep you from saying what you need to say. I pray that your husband is truly honest with you and is the open book that you want. I also pray that you are able to hear the words and are at least able to leave the conversation with a few answers. BREATHE my friend — remember this is a baby step and the path you will take will reveal itself to you when you are ready –stay steady and strong for now. You will be in my thoughts all day tomorrow. LUCK- HUGS- YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS– Know we are all here for you. Peace and a good nights rest–and more HUGS of course 
tweety, Yes I stayed but with trial and error on his part and mine. I kicked him out the first time for 3 months then he came crawling back. Then 3 months went bye and I knew I still couldn’t trust him and I was so miserable so I kicked him out again even talked to a divorce lawyer. But there was always that connection we had that drew us back together. So 3 months later he came back but we took it slow. He wasn’t all they way back half at his brothers half at our home. I tried to be the good wife and not check up on him but I couldn’t let go. After 4yrs he slipped up and was texting the OW again (July 2011) and that was the last straw. But he begged me not to through him out he said he was sick. (which he was, Alcohol and Sex addition) he coulnd’t stop either othe them. I swore that in sickness and in health I would be there. It took me awhile to realize that he was really sick in both areas. The next day he took the steps to get in AA for both problems. the trust is not 100% and never will be! Our life is better but we don’t talk about it. Like I said before through AA he has to forget the past and work on the future. That is their guidelines. So we just say nothing about our past (unless he does something that pisses me off like a trigger or memory).Then I say what I think. He has changed me and made me stronger. He knows now that I don’t need him and can do everything without him. I am sort of a all around girl and can do guy stuff without his help. So now he tries to be a good husband and father. His AA helps him and all of you help me. but believe me I could have used this group in the begining because my therapist didn’t know shit. The one thing she had to get in my head was” He Had an Affair and cheated on me!” I was in such denial! I just couldn’t get my brain around the thought that he did this to me, our family our life we built together. So which ever way you choose to go it is up to you. Both ways are hard on everyone. Just take it one day at a time. There is NO RUSH on any decision. Take care, keep us posted.
vicki, he needs to go to counseling to find out why he does this too you and himself! If he doesn’t then there is No help for the two of you. There will always be that next time and the next time after that. I am coming up on 24yrs of marriage and still find it hard thinking of what he put me through. I too am financially dependent on him I have no job and no career but banking as a teller/loan officer. Pay in the banking industries sucks unless your a V.P. and the work is very stressfull. I too wanted revenge and do this to him but I am not that person. He needs to know how much this hurts you. Ask him would he stay with you if you did this to him?
Twety, I find that writing down my questioned help me not forget what I wanted to ask him. Sometime I would just send him a text saying you just through me away like garbage for your own sexual needs. Never once thought of the ending Affect! I am braver through emails and text because I start to cry when I am face to face because my pain will always be with me. Maybe you too can write stuff down before meeting with him.
I meant Tweety not Twety. We need spell check on this forum. LOL
Hello Everyone, I really love how everyone is supporting each other, continue. I can not even express how much writing has helped me heal, and I am happy to see other women doing the same to progress in their journey….
lisam - welcome. It seems like your husband has found so much enjoyment that he wants to start his own service. And I sense that you want to forgive him again. What you have to ask yourself is why you want to forgive him? Is it because it is better to forgive him than face a divorce? Is is because you feel that he has changed and will never do it again? I sense a bit of self-esteem/self-worth issues within your post, we all have them, but I want you to keep pushing and asking yourself why you want to forgive him. It seems that he is not ready to work on mending the situation, which is fine. Don’t push or force it, recovering from the lying and deception is not an easy thing to do, he needs to be onboard and commit to working it out. If he takes too long, maybe think about giving him a time limit, say, I understand you are going through things, but you being confused is really taking a toll, I need to know either way if you want to work things out, so I need to know by X date. Just be careful Lisam, I don’t want you to stay for the wrong reasons and get hurt all over again, it’s no fun….take care.
Vicki - I can feel the devastation in your email, after all the work to mend it the last time. In my opinion, his words are not enough, they are not going to give you comfort. Putting a tracker on him is no way to live. He is going to need some serious therapy to get through this, to understand why he felt the need to call a hooker as soon as you leave. He did not do this to hurt you, there is some type of hole missing in him that has nothing to do with you, that is causing this behavior. The couples that I have seen that have made it have husbands that study themselves and go to therapy to find out why. I am not a huge advocate of staying together after you find out he has lied and cheated the second time. I am not trying to be negative, and of course know that you will get support on this site whatever you decide to do, but I feel that if you take him back after the second time, husband’s sometimes feel that they have you, and thus might do it again at some point, just cover it up more. I hope the counseling goes well, I had to find out twice as well, and boy that second time cut like a knife, it was horrible. BUT I got through it and have never been happier in my life, so there is hope!
Hi Jewels , JB and all the other very kind ladies here – Yes, I am so scared of being alone that I think its better to have him as he is and just accept that guys do bad things. I know it will take some time to get strong and while I build myself up maybe by focusing on helping him get better it will also makes me a better person. Maybe my happines needs to be put aside for a while. He has started councelling but I also very realistic about the outcome and know that whatever happens the love I had for him before will not be the same now. Jewels, I will defo be giving myself an X date as there is only so much pain one can take. Thankyou so much.
I had a phone call yesterday from the husband of the woman my husband has been involved with for 6 months. Kicks directly to the stomach could not even come close to the shock and devastation I felt. I had no idea anything was going on. How could i not have ???? Should a woman not intuitively know when her husband of almost 30 years is sleeping with another woman? I don’t know what to do, I have a good life ( or so i thought) I can’t imagine life on my own. We are about 7 years from retiement and have plans to travel. My husband seems truely sorry for the pain/stupidity of his actions/and absolute mess he has brought about in our lives. I am trying to do normal things- go for a run, read the paper,ect but I cannot get the questions and images out of my mind. Not to mention the huge WHY DID HE DO THIS and HOw could he continue it when he knew how wrong it was. I don’t know what the first steps to healing/moving forward are. Hope you can help.
Lisam- I think it is important that you set an X date, but something concerns me about your last post- You said you thought it would be good for you to help him get through this while putting your needs on hold. YIKES– I strongly urge you not to focus on him. The focus has been on him- he caused all this chaos. Don’t put yourself second- you should be first. You should focus on YOU! I have stayed with my husband, but he had to do his own work while I focused on ME. You will only get stronger by putting your needs, wants, and emotional health first. Try it and see what happens. I bet if you stop focusing on him and start doing things to heal yourself he will either get his act together because he sees a strong woman that won’t put up with his stupidity any more and start fighting to save the marriage, or he won’t care and then you will truly have your answer. My experience is that my husband has to win me back over- not the other way around. I won’t give up my personal well being for his sake- he lost that when he betrayed me. I hope that you will find the strength to fight for yourself- no man and I mean no man is worth loosing yourself over. Just food for thought. Good luck on your healing. Peace and Blessings
JO from Canada, I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this situation, but you have found the right place to find support. Your story sounds very familiar to many of us here- Myself included. I too was told by the other husband, and it does feel like a kick in the stomach. I too didn’t have a clue and the affair had lasted about the same amount of time. You are in shock right now, emotions are flying in your head and the world is spinning in all directions. It is like a bad carnival ride- we all know and have been there. My husband too was a broken man afterwards- we have been together 30 years – married for 25 and this was the first affair in our marriage. Your husband needs to get some help- he has to figure out for himself what is wrong with him. You might need some too to help process it all- therapy has been amazing for us- we see individual therapists as well as a marraige counselor. You are in the discovery phase of the recovery- check out Jewels e-book it is free on this site- she describes the steps to recovery and explains what comes next- it was very helpful. Talk to your husband- discovery is about getting the answers and details that you need to put this all in your head correctly. It is like putting together a jigsaw puzzle of lies.. Because you didn’t know anything, you need to understand it to process it and heal from it. Is the affair over? That is a big one. You can’t go forward until that happens. If it is over, you need answers to your questions. My advice is keep a journal- you are most likely super angry with him, embarassed, shocked, disgusted by his behavior, etc.. a good memory is not something you will have right now– write it ALL down- that helped me tremendously. I also wrote down all the questions I needed to ask. That way I had a plan when I sat down to talk to him and didn’t forget anything. Remember you JUST found out- the disbelief is still there- Hopefully your husband will be open and honest with you and will be willing to work on the marriage. But for now, you need to keep yourself healthy (eat and sleep-even though that is super hard). Give it time also- it doesn’t happen overnight. If you decide to stay and work on the marriage- know that it is such hard work- but can be the best thing that ever happened to the two of you. I can tell you it is possible to stay together- we did- we are in an amazing place now- complete honesty — amazing! You will survive this and be a better, stronger, more confident woman because of it no matter what happens. Know we are here for support if you need us- Good luck in your recovery- Peace and Blessings
The other night my husband was sleeping, I saw his phone kept going off so I checked it. It’s not something I do regularly at all. But it was a woman thanking him for the great car sex. I text back and found out it was the woman he had lived with during our first break up. We met just out of highschool, was together for 4 years and broke up because we weren’t ready for all the things involved with a serious relationship. During that time I found my independence, travelled, bought a house; he went back to school and had a relationship with this woman. 4 years later we ran into eachother; both single; and picked up where we left off older and more mature. We spent time talking through the reasons why it didn’t work the first time and felt it was more of a finding ourselves and growing time that was needed. We’ve been back together for 3 years and have a 15 month old child. We had been having problems the last few months, sleeping on separate floors, fighting about house duties. The first night he denied the affair, then the next day he told me it had happened twice in the last couple weeks. He says he’s sorry, sorry it happened and sorry I’m hurting and has agreed to go to counselling. I know he loves me and I do think he’s sorry. I told him I don’t know what will happen with counselling but at least we can know we did everything we could so there were no ‘what if’s’ and at the very least we owe that to our child. If we separate the counselling can help us form a healthy relationship because we’re connected for the rest of our lives by our child. I’m hurt and scared because I don’t know if we can work through this. I don’t know if marriages can work after something like this, how you trust again. It hurts that he turned to someone else. I know its going to take time and work, we have the pre-affair problems that we need to work through. But he was someone who before this week was fully against the idea of counselling and he is willing to go because I asked him to, so at least he is showing me that whatever does happen, he is willing to try too. Thank-you for sharing your experiences so I don’t have to feel alone.
Hi ladies, I talked to my husband and he answered my questions and I know I must of asked them at least two times….but he answered them. I heard what he was saying and I’ve been reading so much about this his and all their answers are the same. He said he felt unloved, not appreciated and she paid attention to him. I still don’t feel any better about all of it since the talk and still confused and angry and very hurt. He said he didn’t want to get a divorce and wanted to work it out and will do whatever it takes. But it’s up to me to decide since he did this to me and he screwed it up. Did anyone feel like they were looking for some magical answer that would tell them why? Like the light bulb would go off and you’d have the answer? I think that’s what I was thinking. Right now I don’t know how to figure out if I want to work it out or if he can change with counseling and lots of it since we obviously had serious problems before this or just let it go and move on. I know either way it’s alot of work. But I’m having a problem with the next step, how to come to that conclusion to stay or go. Did anyone ever wonder if your husband could change enough to make it really work? Since we’ve been married so long did you wonder if all the old patterns and behaviors would come back? I don’t want to fall back where we were and I know it takes communication but how can you change so much after 25+ years of the same thing. I know lots of counseling. I asked him If I think I’m trying and you don’t in the future how can I trust you to come to me first and really tell me that. Because that’s the problem that caused this. He said we just have to work harder at showing and telling each other. In my head old voice is saying sure but for how long? I need to stop doing that I know but habits are hard to break especially with trust issues. Right now he still want to talk so I can get all I need answered. And work on trying to get to the next step if that’s what I want. That’s where I am right now, but it still hurts, I’m still lost, I’m still so unsure about everything. I still dont’t want him near me or even hug me, how long does that last? I can’t get the images out of my head and that is what comes to mind. Is that normal? JO I’m going thru what you are your story is my story except I got a knock you got a phone call. I’ve been married 25 years and I am thinking just like you. I haven’t gotten to the point of doing anything normal, I’m not the same person. It’s been almost a month since I found out. I can’t grasp why would he do this to me and not come to me first. How could he. And worst of all I’m thinking I’m not good enough. I know I’m not the problem it’s ALL him. But still you think that. What hurts the most is she even looks like me which to me is totally sick!!!! JO hang in there like me and listen to the great women on this forum I do and do what they say and try to keep their thoughts with me everyday, every moment. They have been thru it I trust them more then anyone I have to talk to close to me. LisaM I too am scared and frightened to be alone and on my own cuz he is all I’ve ever known. I know exactly what you feel and I’m a independent person I take care of the whole house, yard, cars etc. I don’t need a man in that respect but I don’t to live with my husband they way he is now…you need to take care of you like the ladies here say they are smart and full of advice. Thank you everyone for listening. hugs
BEBE, I was re-reading some posts and I think I missed the one you had asked me about cheating in the military. It’s funny I’m retired Navy my husband is retired USAF. We both retired in 2002. I joined before women were allowed on ships, I was never stationed on a ship and I’ve heard the stories. During my career yes I saw alot of it. I also got offers alot but I’m not like that. I remember going to a school once and the maids of the hotel reported to the school teachers that no one was staying in their hotel rooms, ……It shocked me but not surprised me that most of these people were all married. I think the military is just like a large company. It happens everywhere, but working those long shifts, pulling duty and deployments doesn’t help. All of it is wrong no matter where it happens. I hope that helps a little bit I know it doesn’t make it right though.
Thanks JB for your heart felt words of support and encouragement. We have done more talking in the last 2 days than in months prevoiusly, it was so easy to get wrapped up in life in general and assume everything was fine in the relationship. I have nver seen my husband cry in the 33 years I have known him but he cried more than I did as I think he is beginning to understand the depth of hurt and betrayal he chose to inflict. He has made arrangements for counselling on Monday- I don’t know if that is too soon ??? I am not willing to throw away all that we had together but I am so confused about how I can continue to look at him/be with him knowing what he did with someone else. How did you get to that place? He has been willing to answer all questions no matter how uncomfortable. I have asked the L word question and he did say it- I am having a really hard time with that. He says it is very easy to say when you don’t mean it. In some twisted way, that sort of makes sense. He says what we have /had is worth so much more and he will do anything I want to get our life back. What I want, of course, is for him to have done the right thing in the first place and when this woman contacted him ( I HATE google!!!) He should have never responded. She was an old girlfriend from when he was a teenager and wanted to catch up and see how things were going. Her own life was not happy, although she is married (32 years) she complained about a smothering husband and boredom. Well she sure fixed that. It went from a lunch to a hotel room with in a few weeks. My husband- weak as all men -was taken in by the flattery and interest shown. I hope we find out why he so desperately needed that, enough to risk everything. I am going about “normal ” life . Well, not exactly eating or sleeping terrifcally, I am set to return to school on Monday ( I am a teacher and have been on Christmas break) I am finding out that I can do normal things but really don’t like being alone- too much time to think. I have not thrown him out although that would have been what I thought my reaction would have been if this was a hypothetical situation. Unfortunately, it is anything but. The return to school will be very hard as I will have to keep it together all day, I don’t plan on telling anyone there what I am going through, I’ll see how that goes. I have not talked to anyone but my husabnd about this. I don’t know what good it would do until I have my own head around it. We have 3 grown children all away at University and I want to keep them out of it as well. If we can make things work, I want them to continue on not knowing. I am a strong person, I know I can get through this, I wish with all my heart I didn’t have to.
Jo
you might want to rethink not telling anyone at work what is going on. At first I did not tell anyone at work, but then I got called to the carpet by my manager for poor job performance. When I told her what was going she was very understanding and has helped me tremendously to get through the tough patches. It helped her to understand why I was not up to my regular job performance and it gave me somone to talk to if it got to rough at work.
Thanks for the thought, suziq, but my principal is not an understanding person and if fact I thhink she would use this information against me or to have something to hold over me. I am hoping to have a safe place at school not tainted by the affair. My students -their enthusiasm, curiosity and general respect and admiration,are wonderful antidotes for whatever ails me , though nothing remotely close to this has ever happened. I am not counting on them to solve my problems but just give me a different focus for the school day.
Haven’t been on here in awhile but just to update I found out a year ago about my husbands affair and like you Tweety am still very much struggling with it every day my only difference is he got the OW pregnant yep pregnant she had the baby last wk so I’m finding myself more and more depressed trying to figure out why I stayed do I really love this man this much to endure such pain or am I just scared to be alone? I can’t figure it out! And am I the only one that is obsessed with the hate I have for this women I believe she did this on purpose cause she wanted my husband to leave me this is a grown ass women who does this? Anyway just venting I’m still so hurt and angry and I will be reminded by his affair forever by this baby! I still pray every night its not his maybe god will grant me this one prayer cause I can’t handle much more. I don’t believe my husband knows the depth of the pain he has caused and I just need him to get it!
JO- I too am a teacher. School has been my safe place- untouched by the affair. I walk in my door each morning and get the hugs and smiles that I need to make it through the day. I have not told anyone at my school- I don’t socialize with many of the people that I work with and I have been teaching at the same school for almost 18 years- so I knew if I needed time off my principal would be willing to give it to me without question. I also didn’t want to be the topic of gossip around the copier– at least at my school that is where all the dirt is spilled. I know I was unusually quiet the first few days around the lunch table, but soon it was the one place I could be my old self and because I was so busy with the kids all day I really didn’t have time to think about my personal problems. It is nice to have that place for just ME. I have been able to do my job- focus is sometimes not 100%, but children rarely notice things like that. I have been able to continue my healing at home with my husband- I also never asked him to leave. It has been hard somedays as I have wanted everyone to just leave me alone and let me have some “me time”, but then again the activity around the house has been a distraction also. I have teenagers so that is chaos in itself even without the affair. Monday is not too soon for your husband to start seeking help. My husband was the same way- he got in with a therapist almost immediately after I found out and I do believe it helped move me forward and out of the depressed state- knowing he was trying to get the answers that I need. He has seen his therapist weekly =sometimes twice a week since then- I also have been seeing someone. It helps me to find focus- by that I mean she is able to help me put all these crazy thoughts and gut wrenching images into safe places for me. Just having someone to talk to is nice. I have only told two super close friends and only because they have both had affairs before. I know-horrible- but neither with married men- and there are long stories behind each of their situations- I knew they would be able to walk me through those early stages of distress and confusion. Gosh it is so hard. I think that we all heal in our own way, but this blog has been a huge outlet for me– and much cheaper than the $100 an hour I pay the therapist
Plus this is better than therapy in someways. All the women here have experienced exactally what I am going through- and they have been able to validate what I am feeling (which we all know is HUGE)– plus it helps us realize we are moving forward when we are able to offer some words of wisdom to others. As far as your children, well if you read my story you will know that my husband had an affair with our daughters best friends mother. We weren’t going to tell her, but when her friend overheard the OW talking about the affair , our daughter had to be told. My husband told her and it was awful. She now has seen a therapist a few times and is dealing with it suprisingly well. The other couple are in the middle of a divorce right now, so her best friend is still a mess. The OW husband was a dear college friend of ours- so this is all very close to home. I wish my daughter didn’t know- I wish that we could have tried to work on this alone and keep it between us, but that wasn’t in the cards for us. I wouldn’t tell unless they ask. I wish like you that I didn’t have to go through all this, but we do- I am just glad I have all of you to rely on for support and encouragement. Have a relaxing weekend and enjoy the rest of your break as much as you can. Peace and Blessings
Tweety, I am so glad to hear from you. You have been on my mind the last two days A LOT. I am glad you talked. It sounds like you were in a good place – not too emotional and able to get your questions out. I am so proud of you- that is an accomplishment and you should be happy about that- forward movement-remember. It also sounds like you want to believe him, but still have a few doubts. Me too— having one of those days today in fact. I will post again about that. I don’t know if that ever goes away, but it is not as intense as it is for you right now. My husband did the same thing- he put the ball in my court and let me make the decision about what I wanted next– to me it was a little too much pressure at the time, because I didn’t know what I wanted. All I promised him after those first few conversations was that I was willing to go to 1 marriage counseling session. That was all- I couldn’t give him anything more than that. We did keep talking and talking and talking, but I didn’t know if I wanted to stay or leave. You don’t have to make any decisions right now- let them come to you- like Jewels says “the universe will reveal the answer to you when you are ready to hear it”– that is the truth- So just be patient. There is no magic pill to get you there- wish there was- we could become billionaires with that cure
No really. Go back and read your posts- you will see progress– I do. It always hurts, it always is there, it just gets easier to deal with- as you get stronger you will force yourself to not focus on the pain so much– but it never goes away. Keep going- keep moving – keep writing in your journal- keep focusing on YOU. Is your husband getting the help he said he would? I hope so. It helped me know that my husband was trying and doing all he could to help himself and our marriage. You can now breath a little easier because that first real Q&A is over. You will still have 1,00′s of questions- keep writing them down and keep asking them- I still do that – in fact had a Q&A this morning before work. Most of all right now, be proud of yourself- you did it and you survived it. Don’t let yourself overlook the progress. As far as the ‘what did I do wrong and am I good enough’ questions– well, those never leave either- again when and if you start letting him back into your life, and if he is able to show you that you are number 1 in his life (it is a little strange-because this is like dating him again-or at least it was for me), you will start to feel better about being enough. For now, just breathe a little sigh of relief and do something special for yourself- You deserve it! Hugs my friend.
Has anyone out there that has stayed found themselves going along just fine, feeling good about yourself and good about the recovery process overall, and then all of the sudden out of nowhere feel like you need to revisit the beginning of your recovery again? I feel a sense of fear that we may have missed something or something is still left unsaid but I can’t figure out what. I woke up today with that feeling. It was strange and I immediately sat down with my husband and went through all the questions that started popping into my head. Things I already have the answers to and thought that I had processed, but I just felt some need to ask them again. He was fairly patient with me, but I could tell from his expressions and face that he was like “Oh no here we go again- is she ever going to get past some of this?” But that is the deal- I reserve the right to ask as many questions whenever I want — and he answered them all again. It is like there is this seed of doubt just waiting to sprout and it scares me to think that something else might be out there. Now I know the affair is over and has been since last May. I know he and the OW have no contact at all. I know he is being honest with me. I know he loves me and will do anything that I need. I know that our marriage is stronger and has a gone to a deeper level- and I am so grateful and proud of that. I know that recovery takes time and is super HARD. I know that I am in a really good place right now. Why am I feeling like this? Is it a plateau of some sort? Is it me realizing that I am ready to move on to the next step, but not wanting to leave the comfort of the place I am now? There were no triggers that I can put my finger on, my husband has been super supportive and available for whatever I need or want, my therapist keeps telling me she is impressed with my progress, nothing happened to make me feel like this. I just have this overwhelming sense of fear again–I have told myself this entire recovery that I will not ignore any feeling that I have. I tried all day to put it out of my mind, but nothing has seemed to help. I know I just have to live through it, and I will, but has anyone else had this happen to them?
Hello JD,
What a way to find out, I am sure you did not get any sleep that night with finding out such a thing. I think you are taking the right approach. My dad told me that exact same advice, he told me to go to counseling and if that does not work, at least you can leave knowing that you did everything you could. Sadly, we couldn’t even agree on counseling so we never went together. That is great that he is willing to go to counseling. Him understanding and knowing what caused him to cheat will be a big breakthrough, most men don’t really know in depth why they do it. They give us surface reason because they really don’t know themselves. It is a hard and long road, but there are people who have stayed together and worked through it. And there are people who ended up leaving. You have to know in your heart that whatever happens, is the right path for you. I know it hurts, especially with bringing a new little one into the world. Just know that you have a group of women here to support you through your journey.
Hello JB,
There is JO, JB, and JD on this post – oh my!
I will share what I am sensing from your email, but keep in mind I did not stay with my husband.
There are always two recoveries, the marriage recovery and your personal recovery. It seems like the marriage recovery is going well, which is great, your husband and you have put in the work to rebuild trust, which is great.
It is commom for women in this situation to contact me feeling bad because their husband has been wonderful in the recovery process, and they still don’t feel right. Your situation is little different because something happened and now you feel the need to revisit. So I will share two things with you. The first, you may of had a subconscious trigger, something reminded you or caused you to question something within your marriage recovery, and took you back. The trigger could of been something that you saw on TV, something that you read, or something that was said in casual conversation, but it is possible to have a subconscious trigger.
The second thing is I know that you went to your husband with questions about the affair, but I also want you to look within, this might be an indicator of more work needed in your personal recovery journey. Ask yourself – what is your worst fear within the marriage? How solid is your confidence, are you grounded in that area, or is there more work needed? No need to have the answers to these questions, but just by asking, it might uncover something that will help your personal recovery.
Lastly, you mentioned trying to get rid of these thoughts, anytime you try to put an emotion out of your mind, ironically it grows bigger because what you focus on grows, so in trying hard to put it out of your mind, your mind tries harder to keep that emotion there. So instead of trying to put it out of your mind, try to accept that emotion for what it is. Allow it, but do not give it any fuel by trying to ignore it or get rid of it. Take Care!!
Hi JB, Yes, I’m not a total crazy mess I’m trying to move slowly but move ahead. I still have my really bad moments and break down and have so much doubt. I don’t want to make the wrong decision and regret it. If I do decide to work on it I want him to know that it isn’t an easy decision and hopefully he realizes what it takes to get to that point. I keep talking to him and yes keep asking the same questions. Maybe hoping he would add something else I missed. I guess I’m looking for different answers, when there might not be. I don’t feel comfortable since she works at his company and lives down the street. I asked him to not talk, look, even associate with her and ignore her, she is not a friend and he really shouldn’t be cordial just because she works there. I asked him if he could do that…..he said he would. How will I know????? I don’t which is very hard to deal with. He asked if we should sell the house? But that only solves 1/2 the problem. In our talks we seem to talk more about our marriage and what was going on with each of us and perceptions then the affair. I guess you can only talk about that for so long and then it runs it’s course. I’m still undecided he is still not living here which is really helping me since there is no constant drama and reminders. I feel if he’s not here his life is not normal which is the same as mine. I know what you mean about the dating stage because there are things that we never talked about. We talked about everything but our feelings. It’s was like we just skimmed the top nothing deeper for years. He is in therapy by himself and I also I need more though and when I see her again I’ll tell her. I want him to figure his head out and why he did what he did first most of all. Then maybe but I can take all the time I need he said. Did anyone ever go over the years of marriage in your head when your thoughts go crazy and try to find or search for something or an event that maybe you can see a sign of some sort? I seem to wrack my brain going back and doing that. I know I won’t find the answer but it’s just what I’ve been doing. Well thank you ladies for all your help
hugs
Jewels, Thank you for responding. Today was much better. I just let the feelings stay there- up front and center. I didn’t dwell on them, but I didn’t ignore them or try to hold them back either. They just flowed through me- moments were uncomfortable, but not so emotional- if that makes any sense at all. I tend to try and over analyze things especially after the affair, so you may be right it could be something unconscious that is triggering all of these feelings of doubt. My husband is away on a hunting trip this weekend so it has given me some space to deal with this on my own. I spent the day with my youngest daughter and it was nice to just talk and spend time with her- my children are a true light in my life. It was great to just feel truly normal, laugh, and bask in her youth. Kids can bring out the best in you even when you don’t feel your best. Jewels, thank you for making me realize that others have asked you these same questions, that makes me feel so much better. It is that validation thing- thank you. I have been thinking about your question to me “what is my worst fear within my marriage?” Good question. I am going to write about that tonight in my journal. Should be intersting to see what come out- Thank You again for your continued support and perspective- you have been invaluable in my healing- I thank God everyday for you and the work you do. You truly have been a Godsend to all of us here. Peace and Blessings.
Tweety- I am so glad that you are feeling better. As you can see there are moments of peace now, and they only get more frequent- just keep moving my friend. All the talking is good- it does bring a lot of reflection on the marriage as a whole. I know for us this process is what has brought about that deeper connection. We too have talked about ourselves, perspectives, wants, needs, etc, and we now can’t understand why it took so long for us to talk about these things. I wonder if it is because we married young, we spent years building careers, having children, living life- and not focusing on the marriage. Little did we know this was our the biggest mistake ever. I am not sure if I looked back over the marriage looking for signs, but I did look back over the marriage to help me decide if it was worth saving. When I started thinking and writing down all the events in our marriage, it made me realize that there were more amazing moments than tragic ones and it gave me the confidence that it was worth saving. I won’t say that was the only thing that helped me make the decision but it was one of them. I know for me it was a combination of things. My husbands actions and honesty, therapy for myself, an understanding that we both had work to do, and one of the biggest ones was that if we saved this marriage – it had to be a new beginning for us– and it has been. It also took a leap of faith- something that scared me to death, but I have always known that if I tried and it didn’t work out I have given it my best and my all — and would have no regrets (I have seen others say the same thing) Fortunately it has worked for us and we have found something even better than we could have imagined. It is still hard work, because on one hand we have made it past so much, but there are still things we have to deal with and the process continues. Somedays it is amazing and somedays I feel like I am falling backwards– the struggle is exhausting at times, but I still feel in my heart and soul that it is right. There is a sense of peace in my soul about the decision I made and I am glad for that. I believe that is what Jewels continues to stress– the decision for each of us is ours and we have to feel right in making it– I can tell you this- for me the initial shock was tough but I got through it — just a super raw hard emotional time. The decision to stay wasn’t easy, but once I made it that is when the really hard work started– not because it was so intense but because it is so constant. It is like having a second job– with lots of homework. It is always there, we do take breaks (like this weekend). We have to- it can be exhausting. Like many here have said – both decisions are hard, but you have to make one- staying in limbo will truly drive you crazy and can possibly damage your health- and no one wants to live in chaos. I am sure the work for those that have chosen to leave is similar- starting a new life with or without your husband is the hardest thing many of us have ever had to do. Just continue on- your answers will come. You will make it– just don’t ever give up yourself in the process. I am here for you- Hugs
Jewels,
I am 62 years old and married to the same man for 42 years. I recently discovered my husband had an affair in 2003/2004. At that time, we were going through the worst time of our marriage — our oldest child, 28, was using drugs and living in hotels and on the the streets.
During this time, my husband was working for the transportation safety administration (airport security screener). He was retired from a New York city job. He was 58 years old and having an affair with a 27 year old. She was also an airport security screener.
This is how I found out…my husband’s primary care physician retired and notified his patients to come and pick up their records. We did. When we returned home my husband read through these records. When he was done I picked up the file. He said to me, “you don’t need to read that”. I said, “I’m curious as to how a doctor keeps records”. Believe me, I never expected to see anything I wasn’t aware of. Well, you could imagine my surprise when I came across a visit stating that he was there on Jan. 14, 2004 because of “unprotected sex” and may have had an STD. I almost had a heart attack. I put the folder down and immediately went to my bed. I was in shock. He came into the room and asked me why I wasn’t answering his question. I told him what I had read . This happened on Sept. 15, 2011. I am still sick over this. I have spoken to a therapist and she has helped. I will see her again next week.
I keep telling myself that I am above this crap, and to make my own life happy. But my thoughts keep going back to the days that I worked so hard, missed and worried about my son immensely, was not sleeping nights, and arrived home from work to make dinner for a man who was out screwing a 27 year old in the back of her car (so he says). I said to my husband that while I was home rushing and making his dinner, he was screwing another woman. I told him I have no respect for him anymore. I question him constantly which he hates, but I don’t feel he is telling me everything. I have even gone as far as saying that he would watch me walk out the front door before he answers the questions I have. He says he was with her 5 or 6 times, got an infection, and stopped seeing her. But I know he worked with her up until 2006. Was it possible for him to stop seeing her while he was still working with her?
My dilemma is this….how does a 62 year old woman (a young 62) who is retired get up and start a new life? Let me add, I also caught him cheating in 1987. That’s another story. Thought he was done with his infidelity only to have it happen again. A good friend of mine always said, “once a cheater, always a cheater”. She is so right.
My message is this. If you find your husband has cheated on you, most likely he will do it again. Keep your wits about you. If something is questionable look into it. I was just too involved with problems in my life that I wasn’t expecting anything like this to happen. And my husband knew it and took advantage of it.
I ask him how many women has he been with throughout our marrriage. I don’t get any answers.
My husband retired from the screening job in 2006. I retired in 2008. I plan on going to the airport one day and finding this now 33 year old and giving her a piece of my mind. I told my husband this and he says I will be arrested. I said that I don’t care if I am arrested. Confronting her will be my closure. Him knowing that I confronted her will be my closure. And I assure you I am not stupid enough to be arrrested.
So this is my retirement (something you wait for your whole life.) Had I known of this betrayal in 2004, I may have never retired and put myself in this situation. I know that I have to decide whether to stay or leave.
I had recently found out that my husband of 9 years has been cheating on me with his co-worker. He said he stopped the affair the day I confronted him. I know in my heart that I have doubts. They work in different floors but the same building so of course they would still see each other. He said it was purely sexual. He said he didn’t have any feelings for this girl. How can he not have feelings for someone he had been flirting/sleeping with for 10 months??? Can a marriage counselor help us? He has admitted to the affair, admitted that whatever problem we had in the marriage was not an excuse for the affair. I think I need to see a psychiatrist. I have suicidal ideations at times. I know it would be stupid for me to go through with it. It will destroy our 3 kids, it would be like letting the other woman triumph. I have good days and bad days. Bad days would just come on unexpectedly. During those times, I feel like ending my life would be the only way to stop the pain. I still love my husband despite of what he has done to me. He’s never hurt me physically, not once but the emotional pain is unbearable. Help me to cope, please. Tell me what to do.
JB - Thanks a million for your support of me and others, glad you are feeling better.
Joan – I know you found this out in Sept 2011, and like most women, we are very good at fixing things, but this is not something we can just ‘fix’ and move on, betrayal in marriage is a nasty animal. And the way you found out sucks.
I know you asked a question did he really end it when he said he did? And I will be honest with you, finding this out will not give you any peace, it only has the potential to keep the same emotions or make you angrier. Talking to the other women could give you closure, but be very very careful, I found out things in talking with the OW that I just couldn’t get over, it opened up a whole can of worms for me, so keep that in mind.
I know your friend says once a cheater, always a cheater, I have a slightly different take (but very similar). I think there are some men that actually are remorseful. There are men that cheat and the next day tell there wives because they are so distraught, they go through counseling to figure out why and the marriage becomes stronger. But unfortunately that does not happen as often as it should. I do think that if you catch a man cheating twice, then it is extremely hard to recover from that, because if you stay, he could get in his mind that there is nothing that will happen to cause you to leave, not a good place to be in.
62 – my gosh you are ripe for a new life? How do you start a new beginning? Easy, be thinking of how you want to live the rest of your life and executing on it. 60 is the new 40!!! How exciting it is that you are older, wiser, have experienced life, and now that you have a better understanding of life, it’s time to live. Take Care!
Death is more than welcome,
Yes you are right, it would hurt your family very much for them to even know you are thinking these thoughts. I will tell you that you are not alone, many women contact me in this state. So let me give you some insight from someone that has been there. If you found out recently, yes the pain is horrible, I never knew I could be in such pain, it was unreal. Being a wife was my security blanket, it was my comfort, it was my source of pride. So when your husband cheats, he takes away that security blanket, and you feel like you are out there in the world, naked. That is what the devastation stage feels like, that security blanket was removed and your body has the chills, it’s in shock. Notice I say stage, it is just a stage, a shock to your system, your body and mind will get back to a state that you can handle. And guess what, you have something to look forward to. Look forward to the fact that you will grow wiser and smarter from this experience. Look forward to knowing that yes this experience rocks you to the core, but in that devastation, you will discover things about yourself that are amazing that you never knew. Look forward to knowing that you will gain a strength from this, that you never knew you had. And the wonderful thing about all of this, is that no matter what happens, you will end up changing your kids life for the better through this experience. When life knocks them down (we all have those times) you will be able to relate to them when they get older in a way that many mothers can’t. Hold onto the thought that you will be stronger and wiser, and a not only a better mother, but a better person. I ended up doing alot of self-reflection through my personal recovery and found things out about myself that I would of never known had I not gone through this.
I know you mentioned therapy – I strongly recommend that (for yourself – first priority, and your marriage). The worst thing therapy and/or counseling can do is help you. I consistently write to women saying what have you done for yourself lately? Going to personal therapy would be a move in doing something for yourself, you are going to need to do those type of things often in your recovery. I wish you better thoughts and less bad days.
Hi JB, Yes you are right I’m not a crazy lunatic that humming feeling that covers your body and ache in your whole inside is still there but not as strong. I’m not a crying mess every minute. I did have a panic attack this weekend and had to do something so I just went for a drive and just wanted to move….even if it was in a car. It helped and I tryed to figure out what made me have it…it was all my thoughts racing in a circle that got me to that point. I know it’s the process and My husband said I should of called him but I needed to do it myself. I also have the triggers since we have been talking and I know I asked but I needed to. I asked questions I didn’t want the answer but for some reason I asked and now I know and what to do with it is now what I’m dealing with. I explained to him that I don’t know yet what I’m going to do but I’m taking it day by day and like you said I will know. The more talks we have are less about the affair but more about us and what our worlds were like before and how we had no clue about each other and what we were going thru and trying to deal with it. He said when we were doing good the marriage was great but when it was bad it was really bad. I think the bad was alot worse then then we know. So if we work on it that is definitely what we need to figure out and not go there ever again. I am at the point is it worth it to put the amount of work it takes to make it work right now and just thinking of me and if I can do it, if I want to, and can I overcome and move forward and not keep rehashing the past enough to repair and let go and try and be happy. My fear is if I do that and then I’ve opened up my heart and it happens again or he just doesn’t think it’s enough. It’s a very hard decision. He is willing and wants to try whatever it takes. And I agree living in limbo is not good but I know I have to move forward with my decision. I want to be absolutely sure. I’m just glad that I came across this site so much! You and everyone else here have shown me we are much stronger than we think at times like this. In the beginning I never thought I’d be here today but I am and you told me that
to Death is more than welcome: my husband also works with her on a different floor and she lives in my neighborhood which I avoid her block now….so I know how you feel about co workers. Like the ladies say just don’t do anything right now see a therapist and a Dr for maybe some meds and time, that’s what I did that helped me back then. HUGS 
JB — I was re-reading your post from Jan 6 — and I have just gone through what you did. Meltdown 2 days ago after a trigger. Everything came coming back. My D day was last March — similar to yours — and YES — I do regress every once in awhile. My husband has been great through all of this too — transparency, says he is not that same person and never will be that type of person again – he’s ashamed and humiliated and tired of hurting others…….(so he says) — is it that we still don’t trust fully? Or that I don’t want to? Some days I question the respect I have for myself. How could I stay with someone who could do what he did? What’s wrong with me? Don’t I have enough self-respect? I think that is what I’m struggling with. Is he good enough for me???? And what am I willing to take? Yikes. And so it goes — he continues to try, and most of the time, it is great — but I’m wondering if I will ever get to the place where I feel safe — and maybe that’s the lesson — I should feel safe with me….and then I don’t have to worry about anyone else. Bad week this week. Coming up on when he started his lying and his A in a couple of weeks. So I think that is really weighing on me now. Need to keep busy and keep moving forward hopefully. JB — have your feelings changed since last week???? How did you cope/manage???
Found out Nov 15, 2011 that my H was having an affair with a co-worker. I had to go out of town for work that night and he slept with her and stayed there until 5am leaving our 17 year old son home alone. We have been together since high school, had a child together at 18 and have stayed together since. He says he did it because it made him feel good, that he was unhappy. She loved him and asked him to leave me but he refused. Why couldn’t he just tell me he was unhappy? I knew she was into him but never suspected he would cheat on me. He even invited her to a birthday party I threw for him. Gross. I only found out because I caught him texting her at 1am on sat night so I asked and he told me. He has broken it off but still sees her every day at work. He says he will get a new job but isn’t even trying. I am still processing, not sure what to do, he’s been my life for 18.5 yrs.
PS it feels like old times when we’re together but when I’m away (which I am right now) I feel like crap and break down all over again. How could he do this with a woman that knew he was married? He says that he thougt I didn’t love hin but the reality is that I told him before he cheated on me that something was wrong, that he wa distant, didn’t want me any more. Of course I was angry, he started pulling away during their 6 month lead up to sleeping together and its my fault necause I sensed he was no longer fully committed and it affected me? What an ass…
JB, I have a question……when you were trying to figure out if you should stay in your marriage or not…..did people say things to make you think back and forth, like don’t listen, he’s lying, he’ll do it again. Even though your husband was trying to do all the right things to make it better and try to work it out? I think that I think sooooo much of what others are going to think that I start to waiver and wonder if that’s the right decision. I am still confused and we are still talking but I feel I want to work it out but those thoughts keep popping up. I know it takes time but I don’t want to look or feel like a fool. I hope this makes sense. ISTHISREAL: I’m the same my husband still works with her she is married and I can’t figure anything out….I guess just pure selfishness on both their parts….It had nothing to do with US at all. But we get all the pain !!!!!! Hang in there
and listen to the wonderful ladies on here….. I do THANK YOU HUGS
Hello JB,
I first learned of my husband’s affair 5 years ago – we have been married 11 years. I confronted them both, stomped up and down and insisted that it stop. I ignored my suspicion that it was continuing and in April 2011, the other woman’s husband contacted me to say that he had just learned of the affair that was very much still going on.
At that point I had a decision to make. After a useful meeting with a divorce attorney and a financial planner, both inferred that I was in a weak position financially to make a split with my two children. I stayed with my husband, but have changed careers to something much more lucrative, and have begun a strategic plan for my finances.
When my husbands affair resurfaces, and I am 100% certain it will, I will be in a much better position – not driven by fear – to end it and not look back. I guess I could end it sooner, but am not ready.
The challenge is that I have zero trust and respect for him. It’s hard to be in a “relationship” with someone within that framework and I am harboring anger and resentment to the point of distraction. Even if it is a means to an end, it doesn’t feel good.
Hi Ladies glad to see everyone is ok and still moving forward-
Tweety-
Yes I had those thoughts when I was making the decision to stay and work it out, but what it really comes down to is the two of you. What others think doesn’t really matter- it is YOUR marriage and YOUR life. I did have those thoughts- but I think that is just being human. We want so badly to be accepted and do the right thing– Well, this is different. This is between the two of you. One thing that I have done is not tell a lot of people-only a few really close friends. I haven’t told the people that I am with everyday at work or the people I see socially. I think you can get too much advice, and many people while they mean well and want to tell you what they would do- they really don’t know unless they have been there and have had to live through this- so while their friendships are precious to me as a woman- they really would only be making things more complicated for me. One thing I can tell you is that your decision to try doesn’t mean that you are staying in the marriage- all you are telling him is that you will try. When I first decided to try and work it out, I didn’t promise my husband anything- I couldn’t tell him if it would work out or not- all I could tell him was that I was willing to try and save the marriage. I gave him the chance to show me that he was truly serious about getting help and working on himself first and foremost and then our marriage. I knew that I could never stay with him if he didn’t figure out for himself what was going on and why he made such poor decisions. Of course that process is still evloving and he continues to find out new things all the time about himself. In time, I knew we were on the right track and I began to forgive and began trusting again. Things fall into place in a way that you know it is right. I believe that because we have gone through such hell in finding out and have suffered so much, when the “real work” to save the marriage begins you just know — you feel it — and for the first time since the discovery- you begin to feel good again about your life with him and begin to see the marriage you always wanted with him- or at least something better than you had before. That is what it was like for me. What is different now in our marriage is that we have a foundation that we are building upon that is based on honesty and truth. We talk –really talk– about everything. It was strange at first because I have been with my husband for 30 years, I couldn’t imagine that there were things I didn’t know about him- but there were- not life changing things, but intimate little things that we had just never shared- who knows why, but through all this we have discovered that the communication breakdown between us was a BIG factor in him having the affair. I now know in my soul, that if we had been talking like we do now- the affair would have never happened. Right now my advice to you is to continue talking, continue healing, continue putting YOURSELF first. Let him start getting the help he needs and start finding out all those things that put him in the state of mind to betray you and the marriage. Let him show you he really wants to work it out- HE HAS TO DO THIS– you can’t fix him – only he can do that. As that happens, you will know – I promise- one way or another if it is going to work out. As you now know, life becomes clearer- you are stronger and you are capable of making decisions – but don’t be hasty- just like the part of the recovery you have just experienced the only way to truly get through it is to live it and let it happen. I am glad that you are leaning towards working on the marriage. I always told myself and still do – that I will never regret anything that I have done in this recovery and if the marriage doesn’t workout –well, I have done all I could do and am proud of myself for giving it the best that I have. That is really all any of us can do. Stay strong my friend, this next phase is still hard just not as intense emotionally (or at least constant intensity) To make it work– be completely honest with him at all times- even if you think he won’t like what you have to say or ask- you HAVE to say it- get it out- get it on the table so it no longer weighs you down. Also, let him be there for you in the ways you feel comfortable- don’t force it – just let it happen. You know your comfort level- if you need him to hug you – let him- you are not giving him anything- you are healing yourself. You should be proud of your progress — you are making through this- and see you are so much stronger than you ever thought — and you are right on about the selfishness – this really wasn’t about US as wives or lovers- it was them being selfish, self-absorbed, and disrespectful – and that is what they have to fix. Be the strong confident woman that you are and if he is wise enough he will fight for you-and a life with you as his wife- YOU ARE SO WORTH IT!! Hope this helps you on your journey– stay strong my friend– I’m here- Hugs
This site surely helps, the support system is different vs. sharing with other people who has not been in our shoes. My husband & mom tell me to just move on. I know, I try. It’s easy for him to say because he has not felt pain this bad. But as I’ve told my hubby, I have this triggers which takes me back to that awful night a lil over 2 months ago 10/26. Who wants to cry for hours & hours on end? And geez, that was only a couple of months ago, leave me alone. So now when he senses that I’m looking down, he sits/lays next to me and holds me tight. I try to look for the positives, @ least my kids are healthy, now we’re more open to each other (we thought we know everything about each other but I guess not if he was able to hide his indiscretion), I am paying more attention to him. During good days, I actually love him more than ever cause of the realization that I can lose him just like that. After 9 years, I had started to take him for granted. During bad days, I want to give him a black eye. I don’t know if this can help anybody but I noticed that triggers are triggered by me being alone & all this ugly thoughts arise, so I tried music, played out loud. And I mean loud enough to drown the demons. So here I am, 38 years old, singing along to Drake’s Headlines … they know, they know, they know, they know.
Ella,
I made it through last week and am having a great week this week-thanks for asking. It sounds like our recoveries are so much alike. As you know from your marriage, that this new found communication and honesty can really bring you to a whole new level in marriage. It is mostly wonderful- but like anything it can’t always be fantasitc- that is not realistic at all. I want to live a life with him- not a fantasy. Sure there are times I ask myself some of those same questions, but usually I ask myself “Does he deserve me?” Maybe because I am so proud of myself for the way I have handled myself during this period in my life, maybe because that is something that I had put on the back burner for many years, or maybe because I finally see that I have to demand to be first in his life. I don’t worry about being a fool for staying or worry about the “what if’s”–I had to move past all that. I stayed because it was right for me and for us- he is the man I am supposed to be married to(even with all his faults)- I love him and he loves me(even with all my faults). It is a partnership of 30 years together and 25 years of marriage. I love the life we have built together, and I look forward to what comes next for us. I am proud we are working it out- while I didn’t wish for an affair or ever imagine that I would live through this- I realize that without the affair I wouldn’t be who I am and our marriage wouldn’t be where it is now–we would have gone on forever like it was-and while it was fine it wasn’t all it could be- and now that I know that I would never go back even if I could. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring- no one does. I look forward with excitement most days and the days when I am down or have some sort of uneasiness or questions I work through it by talking to him,writing in my journal, posting here to get advice from others, going to yoga, or talking to my therapist- I use all the tools in the toolbox until I find one that works. I look at this journey as a part of my life that is making me the woman that I really want to be– if somewhere down the road things go askew in my marriage- then I will deal with it then, but for now I don’t dwell on that at all– The affair was a turning point and a wake up call for both me and my husband –it doesn’t define me, him, or our marriage. I just keep moving forward and continue to grow and learn along the way. All of you here are part of that journey and I am forever grateful for that–Jewels did an amazing thing when she started this forum. It truly empowers women– and that is the best lesson of them all- we are worthy of the best life we can imagine for ourselves and only we can make that happen. Stay focused on the beautiful things you have discovered together in your marriage and more importantly in yourself- breathe a sigh of relief that the worst part is over for you, and continue to learn from all the lessons along the way- be strong and focused on what you want now- not on the past. I will be thinking about you as you embark on these next few months and all the triggers test your strength. Stay strong my friend- Peace and Blessings
Sitting in my hotel room talking to my H on the phone. Trying to act like everything is normal when our life together is in turmoil. I miss him so much, it’s eating me up inside. Even when we’re together I miss him. For the past 18.5 years he has been my best friend. I have no interests outside of the things we do together and I gave up everything for him because he has extreme jealousy issues. And he’s the one that cheated. That part hurts the most. I feel like he used me to build him up and then found someone he believes is better. He says that’s not true, that he doesn’t love her, he was thinking of me when they had sex, etc… but he certainly told her he loved her.
Reading the personal stories on the site confirms that the feelings I have are common to wives whose husbands have cheated and that is comforting. But the stories about men who have emotional affairs are very scary because they typically keep the affair going or leave for the other woman. That is not comforting in terms of trying to work on the marriage.
Laurel from California, I am so sorry that you are having to relive your husbands affair all over again. I can’t imagine. I agree with you 100 percent you can’t live a life with someone that fills you with anger, resentment, and distrust. That is no way to live and you deserve so much more. You have found the right place to heal. The women here are great source of support in any decision that you make. Jewels is an increidible woman-rely on her she had been right where you are–and knows where you are going. Good luck on your journey- stay strong- Peace and Blessings
Isthisreal- you are right the feelings you have are SO NORMAL. You have to do something for YOU!! Like many of us here you put all yourself into the marriage only to be betrayed. Well, now you have to put all of yourself into YOU. I promise it helps and is the only way to recover from an affair. I too had forgotten how to put myself first, but when this happened I stopped focusing on him and started focusing on me. Your pain is real and you have to heal from it- you have to give it the attention it deserves. Do something for yourself – if you allow it this process will teach you more about yourself than you ever imagined possible. The marriage will only work out if both of you are willing to put the work – and I mean LOTS of work – there is nothing easy about staying. First, you have to be good with you. You are right you didn’t deserve this and he should have told you he was unhappy, but that is what most men do- they suck at communicating. Hopefully your husband will get the help he needs- and he does need it- he has to find out what made him so unhappy and insecure that he was willing to risk loosing you and his family over sex and a fantasy relationship. You also should see someone if you can to help guide you through dealing with all the stress, anger, and the emotional roller coaster you are riding right now- it helps to just hear someone put some perspective on it all. If your husband is worthy of you, he will do the work that has to be done to keep you- if not- then you know that a better life is out there waiting for you. I pray your husband is willing to do the work and move forward with you – I know it is hard, but you will live through this either way. Stay focused on YOU. Peace and Blessings
Hi JB, Yes, yesterday was a good example of other people, we had planned on talking at dinner and in the afternoon got wind of some people assuming he was moving back and all was honky dory, well I got scared and didn’t want people to think I caved sort of say and he worked his words into convincing me to move in. So I cancelled the dinner. He struggled with his old self and that would be to just say f*** it and not call or text me back. Well he didn’t he liked the progress we were making and we are just talking nothing else. So he texted me his thoughts and left it up to me. And I said he was right and we went and it wasn’t so bad. But yes, other people should just keep their opinions to themselves and gossiping too. That was a hugh step for him. I see everyday he’s really trying. Each time we talk we really don’t talk about the affair as much but it still comes up but we do talk about our marriage and what we were both thinking all these years that eventually led to that. He had no clue what I was going thru and he said that even If I tryed to explain it he still might of not listened since he was in a different place. He is leary on our future and that’s because we were stuck in our own worlds for so long that we wonder if we can change enough. All I tell him is what I want in a marriage and he wants the same. So I think a marriage counselor is in the future to get to the right spot to help us. But I also know now that the affair wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, I was thinking she had this magical power over him and all this amazing talks and time and attention was given to her. And he said it wasn’t at all like that. He said looking back now it really wasn’t worth it and stupid and he got caught up in the energy of it all, and if he knew then what he knows now it wouldn’t of happened, but then my marriage would of stayed the same and we probably would of been miserable living separate lives together. So in one way its good but in another its bad. I know in my heart that if we try it will be a different man if he is really trying and I will be totally different and gives me some hope to find out. But we are taking it day by day. Also like you said he is finding out more about himself everyday and thats positive. I’m just so happy I have you and all the other ladies that are and have been thru this to tell me that things are going as normal as they can be and my feelings are normal. Not many sites are like this one. Thank you JB and everyone HUGS
others opinions…..I have two girlfriends that I have knonw since elementy school who have stood by me, well one has. One thru the last 4yrs has become distant as her opinon is, to leave him and make remarks about him. The other as never once judged me or commented on my actions. She said this is your life I am not living it you are. She is a little upset that our other friend has become snotty about my problem because in the beging she wasn’t! She use to be understanding and just give me info and her thoughts without judgement so now I don’t even talk to her about it anymore. Everyone has their ideas about how they would handle our situation but until they are in it they will never know! So what I am saying is make your own decision that it what counts!!
JB — your reponse is inspirational to me. I am trying (today) — other days I think he is not worthy of me to do what he did and I question my own self-respect — how could I stay with someone who obviously didn’t care about our relationship — but then I do see him really working at it and making progress. I must say that the time we have together is better than it was before. He said he is sometimes confused on how he should act — as if we are dating or if we are an “old married couple” – - my comeback was “the old married couple” obviously didn’t work. He knew the answer. I don’t want that level of comfort or taking someone for granted — that got us into trouble. LisaP – I have a friend from elementary school too – -she is the ONLY person I told — she was in shock — but has been a good sounding board as well. It’s just so embarrassing even telling the story. I really don’t know anyone else going through something like this – -so it makes this site such a blessing…. Everyone here is so supportive and offers great insight so that we know we aren’t crazy. It feels that way at times — I just want my own sense of self to grow from this. Maybe that is the ultimate lesson/benefit from this — that I will be a better and stronger person. And hopefully so will my husband. But that is up to him. I’m concentrating on me in 2012.
I envy those of you that stayed and have a husband making an effort. I stayed and let my husband move back in because he said he wanted so work on us. Here it is 6 months later and we have gone backwards and me, I am just frozen in that lethal plain of flatness. I have lost all ability to even try to talk to him, he has moved back to the chair, sleeping upright. Although he tells me it is because laying down he chokes… He said we would begin Couples Therapy but refuses to state a date. When I ask him, he just does not answer. Yet he refuses to leave.
So what next? I am working with a coach/individual therapist and they told me to write my husband if I could not talk to him verbally. I did, he thanked me for the letter and that was it, end of discussion. Oh let us now forget how he spent 20 minutes the next morning blaming me and bringing up things he said I did to him… Yep, back to the blame game. I am pretty numb and just want this over with one way or another.
So my coach today said to approach my husband acknowledging what he is saying I did wrong in our marriage. So here I go again trying…
He is off today and at home and I see him and all I want to do really is drop kick him, but I won’t. I am not angry as much as I am bored with him and his lack of helping move forward. I have been very patient, it is just about 8 months since discovery. I do have more good, happy days than the ones like today.
I am focusing on me and working with a therapist (he is too but only twice a month and I found his paperwork and he put the reason as to choose between his wife and girlfriend). The married girlfriend is out of the picture, she will not talk to him as he has made no effort to move forward there either. I am also starting back to College on the 2q3rd of this month and trying to get caught up with our business and paperwork since I let it all slide after I found out about this affair.
JB, thank you for your kind words. I don’t know exactly how I stumbed upon this site, but “listening” to the stories of so many other women has been enormously helpful. I am comforted in knowing that there are some wonderful, grown up women out there with the same issues. It helps to not be alone. A hug to all.
I’ve been reading everyones post and just wondering if maybe the reason I can’t let go of the anger is the fear of him doing it again. My bad days are fewer but it doesn’t take much to trigger them he was asleep last night as I watched him I wanted to put a pillow over his face( I would never do that) I just laid there and cried like a baby.the OW tells me I am weak n I can’t make my husband happy so I pointed out to her that a real secure woman would not have to try n steal another womens husband! I never call her by her name I always call her the whore it really pisses her off! But I feel at this point I will not have any contact w her! Just taking one day at a time hoping someday I will be able to trust my husband again if that’s possible but most of all letting go of all this anger I just haven’t figured out how to let go! I am seeing a therapist and I’m also on meds so that helps too. I just wish my husband truely understood the depth of my pain this is by far the worst pain I’ve had. I love reading the stories on here its nice to know my husband is not the only idiot out there!
Hello Ladies!
I just wanted to make a few comments….
Jules – continue to go to college and do things for you. I know you ware working with a therapist, which is great. Just keep in mind that your husband has his own mind, and you can not control his reaction. I literally got sick from a health standpoint because I would try this and that to get him to react the way I wanted him to, I was trying to pull emotions out of him, and i would get depressed when it didn’t work. So keep trying, but try not to depend on his response, because he just might disappoint you, again.
Ella – Your last post was SPOT-ON – you are progressing in your journey. A KEY factor in your personal recovery is to build your self-confidence up to the point where you do not depend on your husband’s reaction. This is good whether you stay or leave your marriage. It is my believe that we are suppose to live out lives being our own foundation of strength, and everyone and everything compliments it. But we lose our way, we become attached to the idea of marriage or to our job, to our husbands, and so when that boat is rocked, is devastates us. You will feel better and recovery once you learn to get your self-respect from yourself. You still have a ways to go. For instance, I did not stay with my husband, but if I did stay, what I would tell myself is “I am staying and giving my husband a second chance. If he decides to continue his behavior I will leave. But in staying, I can confidently stay that I gave our marriage a fighting chance, and that I can leave and not wonder ‘what if’. You see how that is different from you feeling that you are less than because you stay? It’s all a matter of perspective. You are working towards it, and you are so on the right track, keep asking those questions!
Tweety - Keep working on the marriage! You said that your husband is learning more about himself everyday – that is a such a positive sign. One key trait in those that I have interacted with that have stayed together is that the husband did alot of work on himself to discover why and to learn more about why he does what he does. By default in him doing that and sharing with you, you will discover things about yourself as well. This is why many women who have husbands like this say that they find out things about each other that they never knew, and they are closer because of it. So if your husband is putting in work and effort and learning more about himself, consider yourself lucky. Most men do not do this after the affair. That is why some of your family/friends will make comments like ‘he’ll do it again’ and ‘leave’. They do not know your entire situation so do not listen to them, listen to how you feel, and I can tell you feel like working it out, so go for it!!
isthisreal – I gave up everything I liked because my husband wanted me to be home, and I thought I was doing my wifely duties, then he cheating and I felt like I had nothing. Promise yourself what I promised myself – whether you stay or not, never give up doing the things that put a smile on your face. I now do those things I like, and I am so much happier.
Death is more than welcome – Yes – 2 months is nothing – people just do not understand, finding out your husband had an affair is a traumatic experience – and those experiences just don’t go away. You mentioned when you are alone your thoughts get really bad. I am not going to encourage you to spend time by yourself (keep listening to that Drake son headlines, I feel so confident listening to that song you need that lol). But seriously at one point in the future I want you to dig more. Sometimes and affair confirms false believes (I am not good enough, I am not pretty enough), it is false – meaning him cheating does not confirm anything about you, it confirms about him. A year from now I want you to say you like being alone. I love being alone, now. Was not always there, but not I enjoy it. Take Care!
Laurel - You seem like you have a plan in place, leave at your own pace. I knew I was leaving months before I left, I just wasn’t ready. I took time to research divorce and kids so I can handle it well, i took time to focus on handling what people would say, but what I did was during the time, I started to focus more on myself because I knew I was leaving, so when I actually left, I had enough confidence to leave. Good luck on your journey!
Hello Tina,
I missed you in my long post. Anger is so mulch-dimensional when it comes to affairs. You could be angry because you are mad he put you in this position, mad that you have to deal with this, mad that he is not putting forth the effort you thought he was going to put in, mad that you are in so much pain, mad that he is not hurting as much as you. Ah…it’s so deep. But do the work to find out why, and it first starts with questioning it, so you are headed in the right direction. Keep asking why, and think about what angers you most. The sad part is, most of what we are angry about this we can not change. I was angry for a while that he was not angry and as depressed as i was, it made me insanely mad that he walked around like nothing happened (even the night i found out, he went to sleep like a baby – really!!). But I had to let that go, the anger was eating me alive, it took at while but I had to let it go…
Dear Jewels,
You answered my post on Jan. 9th and I want to thank you so very much for doing so. I know you are very busy and I just wanted to commend you on your work with so many of these young women who have been devastated. As for me,
I am giving myself time to make a decision. I know the answer will come. I told my husband I don’t have to leave at this time. I can leave in a week, a month, or a year…when I am ready!!!! Thanks again!
Tweety- I read your post the other day, but just now had time to respond. I am so excited for you- the reason being is that you are about to discover this amazing strength that you have- it is like this new found womanly confidence. The intense pain is going and the clouds are clearing a little more, you have made it through some tough things already, and he seems to be working on his part. For me and my husband it was so similar. It was at this point that I found myself- or at least the confidence to search for me- and by that I mean – it was when I realized that I was willing to put forth everything I had to make myself the best I could be. I looked beside me and he was willing to do the same, and so our journeys began both searching as individuals for answers had brought up conversations that in the end were actually bringing our marriage back into focus. We too did not talk about the affair as much, but began to talk about us- see I told you the things you just assumed about each other really weren’t the truth. I know isn’t it strange that we have been married to these men all these years and simple conversations (they seem simple now because we are having them) could open up so much for the marriage and our feeling towards one another. I know this is the time in our recovery when we began to truly foster a deep respect for each other – not admiration- true respect as a human being (see that deep stuff again) We grew up- I know at almost 50 it is about time, but we really did. Now, don’t get me wrong- things are still not perfect and probably never will be – but they never were- that is part of that fantasy that happiness is a bliss kind of thing. I don’t want bliss – I just want that connection with him that makes sharing our life together rewarding for both of us- in all areas. I want the mature better us to emerge from all this chaos– and it has- but it takes so much effort — be ready to search deep and talk about things you NEVER thought you would- but the way I look at it- we will always be connected to these men no matter what happens. I would rather have this amazing openness with him and have a comfort level with him that no matter what I say or feel- I know he is willing to hear me and really accept it as part of who I am. The good, the bad and the ugly. In the end it is all about being willing to put yourself out there in such a way that you really see each other and for us it was truly the first time in all these years that this has happened. That part my friend feels great. There will still be things that bother you and from time to time you will still feel sick at your stomach and anxious about things, but now at least you will offer it up to him and know he really hears you and he is not just pacifing you to make you stop– You will slowly let him back in if it is to be– I promise. If you do, the physical relationship will return also– Well, and that my friend is eye opening as well- but that is a completely different conversation
Trust yourself– you are finding yourself and doesn’t it feel good? Thinking about you both and so glad you are working on the important stuff– YOU- Peace and Blessings my friend.
Hello Joan,
Thank you for your kind message. You are doing the right thing. Many women want the pain and decision to come right away, and in wanting it so bad, they prolong their own journey, so those words are priceless, “I know the answer will come” and it will. Take Care!
My husband cheated on me with several women 6 years ago. Sometimes to this day I still wonder why I stayed. I asked for all the details and sometimes I wish I didn’t no. There were 3 women that I know of and they were all from his work. I didn’t know this was going on and I was totally blindsided by all of this. The 3rd women outed him to me and he was forced to tell me about the other 2 because my husband thought she would. There was a pregnancy that was a part of this, but she had an abortion. She was married too! I miss the trust that I had and the feeling that he loved only me. My husband has been remorseful and he is trying really hard to make things right, but lately no matter what he does, I look at him with disgust! Not sure what to do with these feelings I am having.. I have been keeping this to myself, kinda the fake it till you make it! Any suggestions?
Ann from USA, welcome to the site- you will get support from some amazing women here- they have helped me so much. From your post you said you are keeping this all to yourself. You have to get this out— you have to talk about this. I just had a big lesson in this myself- and Jewels made me realize that you have to let these emotions and feelings out. You have to–they won’t go away. They just stay there and build up more and more in your head. You can make yourself sick if you aren’t careful. Don’t ignore them anymore. Talk to your husband if you can about how you are feeling. Affairs have no statute of limitations. I have not been in recovery as long as you, but have already learned that questions, feelings, and even emotional breakdowns can occur years into recovery- they are just not as frequent the further into recovery you are. You had a lot to deal with 3 women, a pregnancy, women outing your husband to you– WOW– Did you seek therapy six years ago? Did you have a support system to help you through the initial shock and discovery? I know for me therapy has helped me tons, I also have several things I do when I these feelings or questions start popping into my head again. I walk the dog with my iPod- just getting out of the house- clearing my mind- getting some exercise-listening to music- and spending some quality time with just ME–helps. I also do yoga several times a week to relieve stress and have ME time. This site is a huge help for me- the women here are always so supportive- I am so grateful to them. I see a therapist– she is amazing at helping me see things in new ways- she has really helped me sort out my emotions and made me really heal myself properly. None of these may be your answer, but whatever works for you- you must do it. The main thing is that you can’t keep it inside- you must deal with it. Something has triggered your sudden feelings towards your husband- even after six years. Jewels pointed out to me it doesn’t even have to be something tangible- it can be something subconscious or something that you haven’t properly dealt with before- so you may never even know what causes this to happen, but to keep yourself stable you have to release the emotions so you can deal with them. It works I promise. Have you done anything for yourself lately? Go do something just for Ann. It will put you in a good frame of mind, so you can deal with your feelings. I know these things have worked for me and others here–I call them my tools- everytime I start feeling like I am going backwards instead of moving forwards I pull out the tools and keep trying each one until I find one that works. My husband also has done everything he can for me,our marriage, and himself. During this process, we found a new level of honesty in our relationship- we try to leave nothing unsaid- it has been essential in me rebuilding trust in him and has given me inner peace- that everything is out on the table– the things we left unsaid and bottled up before — almost destroyed us- so for me I have to process everything with him. Use whatever tools you may have used in the past when dealing with the emotions of the affairs. Hope this helps- I will be thinking about you as you work through this – Peace and Blessings
Hi JB, Yes, all you said is true. I feel like the fog has thinned out and I see a little clearer and I see things different. The A still is there in my mind and yes it has happened and yes I can’t change that. We are still talking and I don’t want to rush anything, I think sometimes that it has only been since Dec 9th that I found out and think shouldn’t I be still so upset and angered by what he did. But for some reason even my therapist said she said I was very calm and making more sense than most people this happened to. I told her that I realized that I chose to just think of ME and what can I do so that I didn’t keep torturing myself to the point of craziness. I can’t change the past, but I can control only ME and I chose to think and think and more thinking. I ask him calmly about anything about the affair and control my outbursts, and try to really hear him and his answers, process the answers, I choose to take answers and deal with them. Then I move on, it isn’t helping me to keep going over all of it, cuz it doesn’t help ME to rehash it over and over and over. It’s making me sick all over. But I know some of the questions still come up and he answers them. I just hope that I’m not rushing myself I just keep saying everyone is different. He is trying and he reads and re-reads all I send him. I sent him a article yesterday because I was confused how he didn’t have triggers or thinks of her at certain times or comparing us. This article said explained it just as he did, and seeing in writing from someone else made sense to me. So I can at least not obsess over details that I thought he was thinking of. I tired of thinking of her and don’t want to or her have power over my life or brain or feelings. He really liked an article I sent that suggested a talking stick that whoever had the stick had the turn to talk and the other not to interrupt and just LISTEN. I’m looking for a special item to keep in my purse, car, house and his car so in the future when we are together we can use that if we need. That was a big problem in the past just stop and listen to what each other was saying. We are so still at baby steps and he is still not living at home which really is helping him reflect and see what he wants and can he really commit, and I also. But yes, it’s not easy everyday and we know that but this is a huge step for us and that’s all I want now is a sign he is willing and trying. There are so many negative people out there and I try and stay away from them and say this is my choice my life and whatever I choose I have to live with and deal with it not you. I appreciate your concern just support me either way not judge me. I still think it’s so sad that this had to happen for our eyes to open up and really see just how bad our marriage had become, what a wake up call it was. I’m going to do something today to make ME HAPPY and not worry about anything else
thank you for all your support and everyone else for sharing your stories of hope and I think of all of you often HUGS 
Hello all,
I just found out that my husband of 7 years, we’ve been together going on 10 years. Messed around with a friend of ours early friday morning. This female was a friend of both of ours, who at one point lived with us for about 8 months. This woman claims to be a lesbian, but has bisexual tendencies.
On Thursday evening, we all went out to dinner and she had some drinks. My husband and I did not drink, because I am pregnant, and he had to work the next day. Well because she was drinking we wouldn’t let her drive home, and were planning on taking her to her house, but she said she wanted to come over to our house to watch a movie and would have someone take her home in the morning.
We all stayed up watching tv, until right about 1 am friday morning, I decided I needed to go to bed. My husband stayed out in the living room(which I never thought anything about). He finally came to bed about 2am.
I woke up the next morning, and this woman seemed fine, she didn’t act strange at all, I even drove her to pick up her car and she seemed fine.. That evening when my husband got home from work, within 5 minutes, he asked me to sit down next to him. He started crying and told me he had made the biggest mistake in his life last night, that he had messed around with her on our couch, while I was asleep in the other room. He swears that all it was was him touching her, and her giving him a handjob. He says that they were watching tv, and she layed her head in his lap(which she has done plenty of times- even in front of me) so he didn’t think anything of it. He said that then she started to rub his leg, and before he knew it she had unzipped his pants and started messing with him. He said that he didn’t stop to think about anything other than the fact that it felt good at the time. He said that she was messing around with herself as well, so he rubbed her a little bit, but he didn’t finger her. He said that he didn’t stop to think about the fact that it wasn’t me doing this to him, just that it felt good and he said he wasn’t thinking clearly. He said the moment after he was done, he stopped immediatly with the realization, OMG what the hell did I just do? He said he didn’t sleep at all when he came to bed, and was miserable all day at work the next day, crying, throwing up, and upset. He told me that evening about it when he got home.
I yelled/cried/yelled some more, I left for a few hours to go to my sisters house… but eventually came back home. I have to give him credit for coming to me and telling me it happened, because he could have probably gotten away with it. THis woman claims that she was so drunk she doesn’t remember it, which is crap because when i went to bed not even 30 minutes before it happened.. she wasn’t drunk. He has severed all ties with this woman.
He keeps asking me not to leave him, that he made a mistake and that he will never do it again… that he feels miserable for hurting me, and that he will do whatever he can to make it up to me.
I just feel so betrayed. I can’t wrap my head around how he could do something like that, and that I didn’t even come to his thoughts when this was happening, and I was in the next room. There is no way in hell that I would be able to mess around with someone and not stop to at least think about him first. He claims it is different for men, that when they start to feel the pleasure, it is kind of like their mind shuts off… and they don’t think. He does say that he immediatly realized that he messed up the moment it stopped.
I want to get past this, I want to move forward, because I can’t see throwing away 10 years on one mistake. But I am having trouble trusting him. He says that he has never done this before Friday, and that he will never do it again, as he has been miserable with guilt for hurting me and has seen first hand that he could lose me if he ever were to do it again. I believe that he is truely sorry, but I just have this fear that it will happen again. He says it won’t but its still in the back of my mind. I have trouble going into the living room in my house without thinking about it. I have a hard time sitting on my couch- where the incident took place. He says he knows that it will take me some time to trust him again, if I ever can, but he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life, and he is so sorry that this one mistake could cost him that.
I am trying to look at the positives here- they didn’t have sexual intercourse, it was just some touching(although it still hurts), he told me about it same day vs. years later. I honestly feel that he is truely remorseful in his actions, and that he will try to fix this.
I love him so much, which is what makes this difficult. I am pregnant with his baby, which also makes this hard. I don’t want to throw away 10 happy years, on one mistake, I just feel like It is going to be very hard for me to get over this. It has only been three days since the event, and I know it will take time, but every day if feels like the same thing… I wake up in the morning thinking about it, I cry for a couple of hours, he and I spend time together(we spent the entire weekend together- which isn’t normally the case- normally we’ll watch some tv, he’ll go play some online game, but we seriously spent all weekend together)- just talking, at the end of the evening I go to sleep, sometimes thinking about it, othertimes not, and then repeat the process in the morning. Will this get any easier? I don’t want to feel like this everyday for the rest of my life.
Thank you to all who reads this post, and I am greatly appreciative of any opinions, or personal stories that are similar to mine, and how did you overcome it?
feelbetrayed, Wow at least he told you about it as soon as he felt he could. Which for some of us is never or until months or years later. I feel he is truly sorry for his actions and very remorsefull. This OW is NOW no friend of yours either. I can understand your trust issue now with you husband. Ask him to go to couple counseling to rebuild the trust you had. It is really to soon to make a decision on your future take it one day at a time. Your in Shock and this needs to be handled carefully. Your feelings about all this will change daily and monthly. Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings this will help with the process. 10yrs is a long time to just through away a marriage without going through all your emotions. In time you will know what to do.
feelbetrayed,
I am going to share my opinion with you, I hope it gives you some perspective or things to think about. Next time a friends says ‘I don’t want to go home, I want to go to your house at 2am – take her home!! Of course your husband has to take responsibility for his actions, BUT in the future, I would not leave my husband with a ‘friend’ alone at 2am in my house under any circumstances.
Now I have interacted with many women, and have heard hundreds of cheating husband stories, in your situation, which I am guessing represents maybe 5-7% of cheaters, has a VERY GOOD chance of surviving, and here is why….
1.) He told you the next day – this is HUGE. He was so ridden with guilt, he came to you crying. There are many women on this site (including me) that would love to have their husband do that. What I would give if my husband did that, came to be the next day so remorseful he couldn’t hold it for more than 24 hours. This is SO good, this means you have an honest husband who actually feels horrible for what he did, 95 % of cheating men do not do this, so very good move on his part.
2.) It was kind of a freakish situation. 2am, a drunk friend, in the house, alone (you were sleep I believe). Not a situation I would recommend any married man partake in. I am sure she was very horny in her drunkenness and in that type of set up, asking for trouble. I think you should have a discussion with your husband about it, and talk about the situations that you both agree not to put each other in. This is going to mature your husband because he will get to understand what situations not to put himself in the future. You also mentioned that she lays in his lap sometimes – I know you think it’s ok, but that’s crossing the lines a little in my opinion, because we are dealing with men. Men have very high sex drives, you do not want any woman laying on your husband and causing any type of thoughts. Hanging out with other female friends, having date nights, great!! Having a friend lay on your husband, alone, at 2am, um…..that’s pushing it.
3.) He takes responsibility – another winner in my book. A man that takes full responsibility for cheating is a very good sign.
So I say this to say, I think you have a great chance of working through this. I think you should talk about how to deal with the mutual friend, and how to deal with friends in the future. You also might get a book on affair recovery and go through some of the exercises, it will bring you closer together. If you are still having problems after a month, you might want to consider therapy, either joint or alone, I think that would help sort through the emotions. This just happened a few days ago, so your feelings are hurt, especially with your pregnancy, so I hope in my writing this it gives you a new hope that you might be able to work things out. No more late night drunk friends at the house alone with your husband!!!
**Oh, make sure he realizes if he EVER does this again, it’s over, it’s good for men to know you mean business around this, so while you might be willing to work things out, you will not accept this behavior again. Take Care, I hope it works out!
Thank you LisaP & Jewels for your responses. Let me clarify a couple of things… This OW was best friends with my husband long before I ever came into the picture and the only time she ever layed her head in his lap was if she was sad about something, so not very often… It really didn’t bother me, because I never would have expected anything like that from her. If it had been any other female then it would have bothered me. I also didn’t think anything of her coming over to the house as it was late evening about 10:00pm and she has lived with us previously for 8 months( she just moved out the 2nd week in December) so I trusted her enough to let her live with us, I didn’t see an issue with her coming that night. There had been plenty of times where they would both be up watching tv and I’d be asleep…. I trust him when he says this was the first time anything happened. The thing that pisses me off is that the OW is claiming she was drunk… Which is total BS because she was perfectly fine when I headed to bed not even an hour before the incident happened. She is trying to not take blame here as “she doesn’t remember”.
All ties with this woman have been severed by my husband and me as well.
Last night I woke up to him crying at about 3 am, when I asked him what was wrong he said, “I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I did what I did, I love you more than anything in this world,and I want to spend the rest of my life with you… I feel awful for hurting you the way I did.” I believe that he is sorry.
A part of me is concerned that he really doesn’t want to be with me anymore and is just staying with me because he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore or is comfortable and doesn’t want to have to change his life. Does this make any sense? He says that’s not the case, and that if he didn’t want to be with me, this would have given him the opportunity to leave, but he doesn’t want to live the rest if his life without me.
I have made it crystal clear to him that IF this ever happens again, there will be no discussion… We will be done. He says he understands and that he will never hurt me like that again, or even allow himself to be in that type of situation.
My D day was 6 weeks ago. I was devastated. The OW outed herself by calling me several times while my H was away. First there were hang ups, then she would ask for him and hang up. Finally, she told me not to trust my H and then hung up. When he returned from his business trip, I confronted him. At first, he tried to act like he didn’t know what the calls were about. But, I knew that many calls were not just a prank so I told him that if he knew what was going on he needed to come clean. That’s when he confessed all. I made him call her that night so I could talk to her. I told her in a very calm voice, without calling her any names, that her relationship with my husband was over and there would be no more contact. Then I hung up.
The affair happened a few years ago and ended (for him) about a year before my D day. His business trip was to the city where she lives. She found out he was in town and was calling and texting him but he was ignoring her. That’s when she decided to call me.
I don’t know anything about her other than her name (which sounds fake to me) and I don’t care to.
I have decided to stay with my H and work on our marriage. We have been married for 18 years and were together for 6 years before that. We have 3 children. I am not ready to throw all that away.
The first few weeks I felt as though I were going to die. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t even look at my H. I believe I am past the devastation phase. My H has done everything to try to repair our marriage. He has said he is very remorseful, he has answered all of my questions, several times over and he is really trying. He has offered to go to counseling however, when he initially broke it off with the OW he went to counseling then. So, he knows why he cheated and what he has to do to rebuild the trust.
On the upside, our sex life has blossomed. Mostly from my initiation. Call it needing to feel loved, wanting to feel wanted, wanting him to know what he has, whatever, its working.
This is not to say that I still don’t have bad days. I was at the grocery store the other day in the health and beauty aid aisle. I’ve been up and down that aisle a thousand times. But when I passed the condoms, I lost it thinking about my husband buying them to be with the OW. (He said that he used them every time but I got checked just in case – all clean.)
The trust is still not there and I don’t know when it will return. But for his part he has cut down on his work travel as much as he can. He has allowed me to check his phone and computer. We talk much more and more honestly. He has been very patient when I have break downs and out bursts and he has never blamed me. He acknowledges that he did this and he has to deal with the fallout.
My fear is that the OW will contact him again. She did send a text apologizing the day after I spoke to her, but I find it hard to believe that that would be the end of it for her. My other fear is his next business trip to the city where she lives. I only can trust my own instincts about whether he will do what he says and stay out of contact with her regardless of whether she contacts him.
Everyday it’s a struggle but I do believe my husband is sorry and is trying.
I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I hope everyone else reading these blogs are progressing in their recovery and also have the strength to make the right choice for them.
Thanks Jewels for the site. It was been a godsend during a time when I have needed it most.
I found out a few weeks before Christmas that my husband was having a affair with one of my best friends who is also married and it had been going on for months. I have felt betrayed on so many levels. I have 2 beautiful children with him and all I do is try to keep it together for them. I have questioned every aspect of our 12 year relationship. One of the worst parts is I hung out with this woman with her kids, my kids and my husband while they were sleeping together. For godsake she was at my kids’ birthday party 3 weeks after she starting sleeping with him and he allowed her to be around my parents and his parents, who does that? I found out later that she had a multiple year affair with the husband of another family she was with almost every weekend. The affair continued for about a month after I found out. I told my husband to fake our marriage until after the holidays because I was not going to ruin it for the kids. So he would leave after the kids went to bed and be home in the morning before they woke up. I had the pleasure of having my heart ripped out of my chest every time he walked out the door in the evening to go to her house. I was told by both of them that they loved each other. How do people like this even know what love is? I have devoted my life to my husband and kids, their needs always came before mine. I never went out with friends, I didn’t even want to because I just wanted to spend every free moment with my family. And now everything I ever thought is shattered into a million pieces. It makes me feel better to hear other wives have been blame for the affair because I have. My husband has accused me off and on of having affairs with people I have worked with. I even took 2 lie detector tests to prove I was not cheating. I never so much as had the thought to cheat on my husband at any point of our relationship. Now I know that he accused me to make himself feel better but the accusations are like a knife in my heart. When you devote everything you have in you to him and then he questions your loyalty, it is just not fair.
So now supposedly the affair is over and he ended it because he wants me and the kids but I can not believe him. He can’t show me any prove that he ended it and he is still friends with her on facebook. I have asked him several times to de-friend her but he wouldn’t do it. So to me that means the affair is still going or he can not let go of her. How does he expect me to move on and attempt to make the marriage work. He wants to act at night that everything is fine and wonders why I am sleeping on the couch. I have told him over and over what I expect from him in order for me to begin to heal and he wouldn’t even give me an inch. My kids make comments about him never being home and he blames me because I make comments in front of them which I don’t. Funny, it has nothing to do with the fact that they have woken up too many times to count and he has not been there and I am the one lying to their face to cover for him. My kids have completely pulled away from their relationships with him. I can not understand how he doesn’t get it that he is losing his family because he is not stepping up to the plate.
Hi JB, Your last post was such a great boost to know that it does get better. We are not out of the woods yet….I have had two really bad triggers and survived but wow they are so debilitating and zap all your energy and focus that you feel so exhausted from it. I did get through it
I still have to find a way to get the A thoughts out of my head and trying to find away to do that….so I can concentrate on me and us and not about all that. I know it will come up once in awhile but I seem to still give it power over me and seems like it has a life of it’s own. He still isn’t back home and he will wait till I’m ready and only then with no pressure. He also said something that was very interesting to me. The day I found out about his A and he moved out the next day…..he said that as the weeks went by he now has what he thought he wanted the freedom to do what he wanted with whomever he wanted and go out etc….and all he wanted to do is talk or text me and that since he had that choice it really wasn’t what he wanted. So he has to think himself what does he really want also. He also said that he really didn’t know that what he wanted was right in front of him for 25 years and didn’t even know it because we were so caught up with the vicious cycles we were in and both of us wouldn’t let each other in. I still have my worries that once we get together and work on it that he might change his mind or he goes back to the man he used to be, but I think we just need to sit and talk about it and not hold it in. So each day is a new journey to say the least. I’m reading a book that is so interesting about infidelity it’s called ” Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder” the six stages of healing. It is really a very good book and maybe it will help someone here on this forum through all the emotions we go through. It is truly helping me. I see all that I’m going thru and he explains it so well. From the beginning and to the healing part…… Thank you all for your comments and thoughts and Hugs to all 
Tweety- I am so glad you are where you are now. I just posted on another post and said — this new strength is something we should be most proud of– YEA to US! We are making it – and that is wonderful. I too had a tough week. It has been so full of just- well, LIFE. I responded to Mitch on the other post as she has had some of those feelings of sudden rage- like you said triggers that put the affair right in front of your face again. It is scary, sad, and heartbreaking all over again, but we all know that it is also just part of the healing too- and that we have to deal with the triggers if we want them to find that safe place within ourselves. I feel like the affair keeps telling me focus on me — and when I get to a comfortable place it keeps throwing challenges at me. Sort of like — ok, you got past that–now deal with this. You are right it is exhausting– but with the exhaustion comes power and strength– so I guess bring it on- I will face it and deal with it! You are right the affair does have power- just don’t let it have power over you! I had some of those feelings this week- I kept for some crazy reason– seeing the OW having sex with my husband. I think it may be because I talked with her husband this week and she is finally ready to give him the truth- she has gotten out of rehab and is now making ammends I guess- they of course are in the middle of a divorce, but it still brought up emotions. I keep wondering what her truth really is… I know the affair is long over, I know my husband loves me and is doing all he can to help me heal, I know that I am the better woman in this all– I KNOW!! but there are still moments of that “feeling” you know the one that feels like rage, but you are so out of tears you can’t cry. Well I learned this week, find the tears- let it out- if not it starts throwing pictures in your head that you thought were long gone. After a really good cry, they were gone– thank God! Then, yesterday, I went out of town for a day trip to visit my niece in college–It was fun to see this beautiful young woman at the beginning of her life, having fun, finding out for the first time just what she is made of– it also took me back 30 years– to a time when I met my husband and how little I truly knew about him- how innocent our lives were– a time when we couldn’t get enough of each other and life was so simple. I also had a real heart to heart with her, as she just broke up with her boyfriend that was too controlling– so glad she got rid of that one
She asked me lots of questions about my relationship with my husband- how we met, how we dated for so long living in two different cities while in college, how I knew he was the one. What a conversation– like a wise old owl– I told her I could predict as to what type of husband her ex-boyfriend would become- not because I knew him so well, but that men show their colors early on- you just have to see the signs, and that she was way too good for him. She told me she felt so free and happy now- I told her NEVER be untrue to herself no matter what–listen to that voice inside herself– it was right on–I also told her keep her needs and wants front and center in her life- if a man in worthy of her – he will accept this about her and love her for it. She will know when Mr. Right comes into her life- don’t spend too much energy looking for him- he will come when she is ready for him– or even better when he is ready for her. While our conversation did make me feel sooooo old –it also me realize that love has always had challenges–I wish I had had someone to tell me those things when I was 19. Not sure if I would have listened or even been able to understand them, but the kids today are much more savvy than we were at their age. They have so much more to deal with than we did- with the electronic age- everything is instant- instant messages -instant gratification- instant –instant– instant. Where I was going with this, is that we do have to stop the world sometimes– our hearts have been not only broken, but scared for life- we deserve a stop sign. We have to heal- we have to process this- we have to stop being so hard on ourselves. It isn’t instant-love doesn’t work that way at all- it is HARD work- with or without an affair. I think as women we are the fixers and healers the ones that can see things more clearly than men- we feel deeper and fall harder when things happen- it is just how we are wired. I also realized talking with my niece that I wouldn’t trade places with her for all the love or money in the world. She has so many moments ahead of her— I am glad I am wiser because of the affair- I am proud of myself and tell myself this often. Tweety, I don’t know if it ever stops- or if it ever should- I too just hope it stops being so intense at times.
You and your husband are going in the right direction. Your conversations together will bring you both so much closer as people, a couple, and lovers eventually. It really can be amazing– but remember it never goes away. It will always be a part of who you and your husband are together and as individuals. As far as the OW– well she is a cheater– I’m just glad that we never crossed that fence- and that is what makes us the better people in this all! Stay in touch my friend- Hugs, Hugs, and more Hugs.
Use to be Happy, sorry to hear about your pain. Yes this pain hurts like just like a knife cutting your heart up to pieces. Your husand has not taken responsibility for his actions that is why he blames you and tells you to move on. Most likely he is still in that other relationship if he hasn’t deleted he off of FB. Your kids know more than you tell them. They have eyes and ears and can see and make judgements for themselves. If he want to work things out it has to be on your terms. counseling and you asking tons of questions as to why? If he can’t do that then you will have to make another decision as to where you go on from here. You are stronger that you know. You have been holding the family together while he has his fun. Ask him what does he want? It maybe to leave or stay but there can be no wishy washy……..Your husand also sounds like he has trust issues himself and low self esteem that is why he cheated in the first place. most men have issue which make them cheat. It also sounds like you have a town whore living within you community. Get the other mothers together and breifly bring up the subject of her and she what comes up, Oh does the OW husband know about her affairs. If not you have the right to tell her husband about your husband and her.
Use to be Happy- that gut feeling that the affair hasn’t ended is right on- I learned early on in my recovery from my husband’s affiar ( the OW also married and a friend)– that the little voice inside of me -was 99.9% of the time correct- and I now ALWAYS listen to it. Your husband blames you because like Lisa P said he has not taken responsibility for his bad behavior. You didn’t make him cheat, he did that all on his own. I can’t imagine having to watch him walk out the door each night knowing he was going to the OW. I know you wanted to keep things “normal” for the kids- Oh, but was it worth it? From your post, I can see you hanging on desparately– DON’T give him or the OW that power over you. If your husband really wanted to make things right, he will do the right thing– he will drop her like a hot potato, get into therapy, sever all ties with her, and work hard for your forgiveness. I know that dealing with a so called friend is hard– one because we know this OW and two because our lives do cross paths even after the affair. I won’t lie to you — it is the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do. This woman sounds alot like the OW I have had to deal with- multiple affairs with married men. One thing for me that has helped is that when I see the OW I truly feel sorry for her- to be that insecure, have such low self-esteem, and to be that miserable in life to go after married men. Now that is sad. Don’t get me wrong– my husband was just as much at fault- he chose to have an affiar- no one twisted his arm– he dug his own hole on this one. Don’t stoop to their level at anytime during this recovery- be the bigger person. I too was crushed and really wanted to just ring both of their necks, but realized it only made me feel worse and it wasn’t worth the energy. I instead chose to focus all my energy on myself and what I wanted- not what he wanted. I have kept my head held high through it all- and it feels GREAT! Your husband has lots of work to do- he needs to search within himself to find out why he did this- that is not your job. Get help for you. If he chooses to step up and do the right thing, great- meet him there and work forward in the marriage. If he chooses to blame you and accuse you of his bad behavior, then move forward without him- he doesn’t deserve you and you will show your children that you are strong and have the right to be treated with respect. Since this is happening over and over with this woman, I agree that her husband should be told. The only way to heal is the TRUTH. Everyone involved has to be truthful to the core– sometimes that is just to hard for people to do- but without that honesty you can’t heal from an affair- no matter how hard you try- it will never be right. I bet he already knows- sounds like more problems than just affairs- was in my case too– my OW ended up a 20 year pill popper and destroyed many families in the process of her self-destruction. As far as where you are in the process, you are still in discovery phase- and this is really hard. You still don’t have all the pieces of the puzzle yet– be strong and focused and you will someday. I too put myself last in my life before the affair- I thought that by taking care of my children, my house, my job, my husband, and our life that I was doing everything right– Oh how wrong I was
During my 25 years of marriage and 30 years together, I forgot about me– I stopped putting my needs first and in turn just floated along on the coat tails of my family’s happiness- if they were happy I thought I was happy too. Now, after refocusing on Me– I have found that I am a much better mother, wife, friend, and person. I really like myself now and it shows in all parts of my life- even my girls tell me I seem so much more at peace — I’m proud of that– because I am. I turned this recovery into a self-discovery for myself and really dug deep to find out if I really wanted to continue with my marriage. I too didn’t want to throw it all away- and that was hard to not let being scared of something different be too overwhelming to even consider–but I did. I went to therapy for the first time in my life over this affair, and it was the best decision that I ever made. I found out that I played a part in the affair, but did not make him do it- I just left a door open for him- that would have been closed if I had demanded to be first in his life instead of me putting him first in mine –with little or no expectations in return from him. I no longer do that– like the old saying goes– “happy wife… happy life” Well, it is true. We should be first in their lives, we have to demand that respect from them– if they don’t deliver– well, then they don’t deserve us. You will never make him see what a mistake he has made, stop trying ==it will drive you crazy. When I started focusing on just me, then my husband saw this really strong, self-confident, self-aware woman. One he hadn’t seen before- and he also began to realize that he almost lost her over being horny, self-absorbed, and a liar. Fortunately for me, he knew he had to fix himself first before he could ever have me back– I so grateful he did. But if he didn’t I still am in such a good place with myself now that I would be just fine without him and I know that. Stay strong for you– I will pray that your husband finds his way back to you, but more than that I will pray for you that you find your inner strength, it is so much more powerful and rewarding than any man- and you realize you are worth so much more than you ever imagined– Good luck along this journey. Peace and Blessings
Thanks jb and Lisa p for the encouraging words! The ow husband does know and he have separated
Hi, JB and ladies…… I feel so much better starting my day reading all of the posts, I get so much positive energy to face my day with all of your words and encouragement that i know I can do this. I do not feel so alone in this. JB sorry for a tough week….I know how that is…
I am too trying to confront those thoughts process them, give them a place so i don’t keep re hashing the same stuff over and over…. and when you say where you are in your marriage and they still come up and they have that affect on you is hard…I just keep thinking we are so much stronger than we think. I surprise myself everyday…..At the end of the day I say wow I got thru all that today…….
That’s funny you mentioned giving relationship advice to your niece and I too have been talking to my sons girlfriend whose 23 and they are having issues…and she sees what me and my husband are going thru and I told her you need to take care of yourself now you are not married and make sure that you know what YOU want….. don’t depend on anyone for your happiness. Even though he is my son she still needs to think of herself now before she gets married to him or anyone else. It will make her stronger and more confident in her choices. But she is so wrapped up in the drama, I just keep talking I hope she gets and hears some of it.
I am still building up my self esteem and confidence….and that is hard work. I have my doubts all the time about all of this. I know that like you said JB its alot of HARD work on BOTH parts and that’s the scariest part….hoping you don’t give it your heart and everything you have to the relationship and it isn’t enough. But I just keep telling myself that then I know for sure that I’ve done all I can do if it doesn’t work out. Still hurts to think about it though.
Hugs
Tweety – -I feel the same way you do — reading the posts inspired me this morning. I have chosen to stay with my H. He is really trying and doing the work. He is an open book (and has been since DDay — last March) — there is still that nagging feeling though — everytime I think it’s going great — I scare myself and say things like — what if this isn’t real, what if he’s just doing this to smooth things over and he will go back to his old ways when he is stressed and feeling badly about himself. He really dislikes his job and industry but is trapped because of the money. His weight fluctuates by 40 pounds at times — he’s now on the heavy side and feels crappy about himself. (just like last year at this time — UGH) — anyway — I’m wondering how to get over this hurdle — I want to just let it all go and trust again, but my brain won’t let me let my guard down — and I guess I shouldn’t — maybe this is the new reality — we need to always “date” or be on our toes and not take anything for granted. My therapist says that the truth is always revealed and to just let myself go with it – -and if anything happens — it will be revealed and my gut is always 99% on. I knew something wasn’t right last year…..I just knew. Just hoping the triggers don’t consume me over the next two months. I can’t relive it all again — I want to get past this…… Mitch — hope your feelings are settling. Use to be happy — I really feel for you and your situation — but you sound like a very strong woman — and will pull through this. The hardest thing is to realize is that the issues are truly with them — and believing that. I still waver sometimes. No one is perfect and I guess if we can forgive, we are the bigger people and we are setting an example for the future. And good will conquer evil. Life gives us challenges — and maybe our role is to help others really challenge themselves to be better people? A big hug to all. Spring hopefully will be just around the corner and we can all have new beginnings — whatever we’re meant to have…..
I can help but wondering if the thoughts about how things were between them will ever stop. I find myself thinking every time he does something for me “I wonder if he did that for her”. It was interesting yesterday after he paid bills I went thru the credit card statement (like I always do now) and saw that one of them that I know came in the mail was not there. So I went to the trash (can’t believe I reduced to this) and found it ripped up. Of course I am smart enough to put it back together and see a charge from when they went to the movie the night before he supposedly ended it with her. I have not been on a date with my H in a year but he wined and dined the OW. I was so angry thinking how that night I was crying myself to sleep and they were enjoying themselves at the movies. I know that for me to move on I need to let that stuff go but it is so hard!
Use to be Happy, Like I have said to Tweety before the thoughts of them being together never really leave, they just fade with time and you learn to put them in a place where you feel safe again. I too still have moments of saddness over these thoughts- mine are really hard because they had sex in my bed together. Your husband needs to step up to the plate and start spending time with you- taking you to the movies and dinner. My husband and I too had stopped having date nights before the affair, but now I make it a point to have a date night at least 2 times a month. I don’t think you can let these thoughts go completely- you can process them, talk about them, and cry over them in the beginning, but as time goes on they just pop into your head (or at least that is for me) at the most unexpected moments. We can forgive what they have done to us, but we don’t forget. That is the cruel residue that remains for us- just part of that new reality that Ella posted about. This stuff is so hard- and it will continue to be hard – just with less pain each time you have to deal with it. I think for those of us who have stayed it is one of the most difficult things we have to deal with- that is why we have to be so strong and at peace with ourselves to stay and recover from an affair. I found in my situation, that I was way too easy on my husband before- I never expected much at all after 25 years, and I was wrong. I didn’t put myself first- I always had good reasons not to expect dinners out or a movie- the kids needed this, or it was incovienent to get a sitter when they were younger, or spending $50 bucks to see a movie or buy flowers was just silly to me, when we needed to spend it somewhere else. This happened slowly over 25 years, so when the affair happened – at first I couldn’t even see the bad patterns we had adopted as part of our relationship. Not now, I don’t I expect attention from him- I demand it– (I don’t mean demand as in force it from him). I just make it known that he needs to put me first, and treat me with such affection now. I deserve it and am worth every penny he spends– more really
Sometimes I have to tell him point blank what I want or need, because he is still a man and still has no clue at times, but sometimes he gets it without even a hint (progress). He has always been loving towards me and me towards him– we just failed each other on the attention end. I too had to change –I had to feel worthy of spending the money on us and on me, I had to be open to being surprised (which I am not very good at), I had to learn to be gracious with his attempts to make me feel special – I wasn’t good at that either. It has all been a growing and learning experience together- it is like we are dating again. My therapist says it is like dating – in that we are building a new life together- based on a different foundation- and while we don’t forget our past– we don’t dwell on it either. I hope you can get to this place with your husband-it is not easy, but rewarding- keep moving forward and working on it. I will be thinking about you. Peace and Blessings
I need opinions here! I found out 8 months ago about my husbands affair, long story short-we seperated for a month, he moved home, things improved then started sliding back a bit. My anger and fear were controlling me and finally a week ago I asked him again to attend couples therapy, he said no and I told him he had to leave and stay elsewhere. I have had some real tough days and lots of self evaluation and realized how much my fear and anger were controlling me! He admitted just 2 days ago that his guilt was what was not allowing us to be close. He has not seen nor spoken to her and she knows we are separated. I have been warned that she (married with 3 kids but tells everyone she is not happy) is really after my husband, that she is very self absorbed and has no heart and to watch my back and keep a camera on me at all times. It has felt as if someone is lurking outside my home at times.
So this ah ha came to me. I have been so devastated that I have not truly spoken my feelings to my husband, I am being very quiet. I am working on Letting go, acceptance and forgiveness and want to tell him this plus that I want us to work and I want him home. He has only been out for 8 days and is this too soon? I have had such a rush of feeling today and my heart and soul says tell him how you feel now! I had a Psychic reading and it is strong in that I am in a good place (I do feel I am) and we loved each other deeply and he does not want to loose me but his guilt and shame are eating him up and he feels like a loser and I need to forgive him so we can begin to heal. This was my second one and they both have said the same things and it is intriguing what they know without you telling them.
So do I go for it and speak my true feelings tonight? It feels like it just can’t wait.
Not even sure where to start?? I have been married for 24 years, I have 2 adult children and 1 young child(still at home) and 1 grandchild. We were both very young when we got married & our marriage was not easy….MANY ups and downs – I used to read articles about signs your man is cheating and would laugh because every sign pointed to my husband but I knew he would never do THAT to me. We were married 18 years when I found a LOT of text messages between him and a ‘younger’ woman – he denies anything sexual ever happened but I have my doubts. When revealing this information to my childhood friend she told me about the affair my husband had for many years with one of my closest ‘friends’ . My husband finally admitted to this – but it wasn’t easy to get the truth out! I decided to stay and work on the marriage-we live in a small town so it was hard running into people and seeing daily reminders. My husband assured me he wanted me and he was foolish and would never hurt me in this way again. Fast forward 2 years….another affair exposed – again this was another ‘friend’, we spent many week-ends with this woman and her husband. This time it was extremely difficult for many reasons 1)My husband knew what this did to me before & knowingly betrayed, cheated, lied 2) My birthday and this womans are a week apart – we had a big bash for her birthday and I asked to get together for my birthday a few days later but my husband told me no one wanted to get together for me(still hurts my feelings) 3) I made my husband tell our adult children what was going – we live in a small town I didn’t want them hearing it on the street…My kids were crushed! My husband cried and I do believe was/is very remorseful…He requested to go to marriage counseling, which we did, and I thought at the time I wanted to stay. It has now been 2 years – I believe he has remained faithful and tries very hard to make the marriage work….The problem is – I think I’m over it and feel very guilty about that. I feel he is working on becoming a better person but his very presence is a reminder of all the affairs. When he reminisces about the past I can only think of which woman he was with at the time…it truly makes me ill. I feel selfish for putting my children thru the pain of separation. One thing I failed to mention are all the other lies – he was self employed and wasn’t paying his bills, had to take out loans to pay them, even took out loans without telling me….I have a good job and make good money but I live on next to nothing to pay off the debt he incurred-this makes me VERY resentful. I know I rambled on but I’m trying to sort out my feelings – very confused and not sure what I should do? I always envisioned growing old and being together watching our children/grandchildren as a family unit but I feel he has made this dream impossible.
I decided to stay with my husband. This is so hard to deal with. Almost everything is a constant reminder. How can I get over this? This is going on 7 weeks now. How do I trust again? I felt really happy for about 3 weeks and now not so much.
Thank you for answering all of our e-mails. you are very sweet and helpful.
This helps me alot to realize that I am not alone. We need to have group therepy meetings.
I meant therapy not therepy
Hi Ladies…. Yes, Ella I get those feeling like ok when is my real husband going to show back up ? I have to stop saying things against myself or bashing myself I seem to do that and so unproductive for me I have to repeat over and over it’s not about me, it was him, all him. I just want to heal me first and find a place to put all of the thoughts and images, I truly don’t want to give them any power what so ever because in my mind then the images have won and I don’t want to lose I want to take the power back. I keep saying also that I can’t change what happened, I can’t change the past, but when I think of her I get angry and hateful but most of all sadness. I have since found out that if it wasn’t my husband she told her husband it would of been someone else. Which shows she’s heartless…That in no way makes me feel any better but shows me a side of her that has no self respect for herself, as a wife (to be honest with her husband), as a woman, and especially as a mother. She is a horrible example and role model for her daughters and I know that she feels no remorse for what she did. Since my husband still sees her at work and she lives down the street we have run ins….Her husband gives me a bad feeling that he is not all right in the head…I saw him and it made me very uncomfortable. So I know she is not right in the head, and probably a bit psycho……..My husband ignores her and avoids her at all costs…and he gets it ! Now my husband is in therapy and is really wondering why he could do this to me, why he didn’t see what he was doing and before the A he wonders why he was like he was to get to the point he felt that was a choice that would solve his problems. He is rewinding his mind and he sees things he isn’t proud of. He beats himself up inside and in therapy he opens up for once since he never talks about his feelings and he realizes this now he needs to talk about them. I know we are just in the beginning of all this and I know now that I will always have a choice …. Right now I’m trying to be nice to myself and stop being so self critical. I want to work on what was broke between us before the A and that’s my goal for today. I thank this site it is so helpful to all of us to know that we are here for each other
Hugs to all
Hi,
I have been married 12 years and have 3 beautiful children with him. My husband has cheated on me for many times and once had a on and off affair with a girl for 5 years. Took trips, company junctions, and family reunions with her. I found out about 3 years ago and somehow managed to forgive him even though it was not the 1st time or the 2nd ive caught him but the most serious one. I got pregnant with my 3rd child and we stayed together. I believed hardcore in keeping a marriage together no matter what so that is what I tried. It has been 3 years since and I find myself now feeling emotionally detached from him and not wanting to make love to him at all. He tries more and more as i often tell him no. I feel as if im not in love with him anymore and now he is all sad, depressed, making me feel guilty as if im doing something wrong. Ive distant myself and grown cold and he feels as if im cheating on him. Being that i have 3 children with him and my oldest being 10 I am truly scared of leaving him because of what its going to do to my kids. He also tells me if I leave him i will be abandoning my family and that no one will ever love me like he did. Please help me on what I should do. He has great characteristics but has been super unfaithful and although he might not be anymore (to my knowledge) I no longer feel the same. It took me along time to feel this way or atleast recognize it but I feel like aprisoner in my own home. HELP. Thank you.
Jules/Numb/Joan/Sunee/Tweety
Jules – I know the time has already passed, curious how the conversation went. I would of said to go with how you feel. Your emotional radar is not far off, and you might of been holding your own feelings out of protection, protection from getting hurt by his reaction. But in order for true healing to take place between the marriage, a conversation of true feelings needs to happen so that you understand each other. I hope everything worked out, keep us informed.
Numb, yes, I can understand why your name is numb. So many hurtful situations, so much history. Recovery from one affair is difficult within a marriage. Anytime it’s more than one, the emotional toll it takes on you is very hard to recover from. I ended up leaving after I found out the second time, and I remember that resentful feeling. Someone else posted a comment and it was spot on, she said I love my husband but I don’t like him. Do not worry so much about your children, well let me explain. This is just my opinion, but I believe the best thing you can do for a child is be happy. You teach them so much in being happy, you show them how to live life. You do not seem happy right now with the marriage. It doesn’t mean leave, but I think you should have a heart to heart with your husband to see how he feels. Ask the tough questions, are you together for you and him or for the kids. Are you together because it’s comfortable? Share your feelings. I can’t tell you what you should do, but I know living in resentment puts an added stress on you and your body, over time that is not a good emotion to have all the time. Affairs really mess with your mind and cause you to question yourself in ways you never have before. Deep inside is the answer, I get the feeling that you feel stuck, but I feel you might have more options that you think. Take Care!
Joan - Healing from this happens as a result of a couple of things. One is time, it just isn’t a thing that someone can said that will heal you quickly, the wound is very very deep, so it is going to take some time. Also your husband can help with this, each day his actions will either build up trust, keep things the same, or tear down trust. Right now you are starting from scratch, so it’s important that your husband does things daily that help rebuild the foundation of trust that has been destroyed. Trust can be rebuilt, but it takes effort of both you and your husband to make it work. It’s a fight, but if you have a husband that is willing to put forth the effort, it’s worth fighting for.
**I know you made a comment about group meetings. At this time I am focusing on finishing two big projects that should be complete by the end of February. Once those are done, Feb-Jun will be focusing on how I can use this site and make it an interactive and collaborative community. I think it is possible, I just need the time to pick the right tools to make sure it’s valuable and useful….so stay tuned
Sunee, It seems like what is happening is you put up an invisible wall that prevents you from getting hurt anymore. You do not want to get close because you do not want to be hurt. You do not look at him the same anymore because of his ways. And a repeat cheater, it’s hard to look at them in a loving manner, because they have hurt you over and over again.
He says that no one would love you like he did – not true at all. I know one person that would love you 10 times more than he ever did, and that is you. Your husband is saying that so he can keep you there, to instill fear in you because he has fear of you leaving. And a person can only give what they have. Kids are a huge factor in many women deciding. And I am not going to lie to you, it is tough separating. I have been separated for over a year and she just told me tonight she wants to go back home, which is where we use to live. She is 5 and refuses to call where I live home. But, if I would of stayed, I would of been much more angrier, more tense, and less happy. And I did not want my kids to grow up thinking marriage is this thing where people are together but not happy. Kids know when you are not happy, they are very intuitive, so I decided to leave and told myself that I know they would be impacted, but I hope that I can recovery in a way that teaches them that you can encounter obstacles and still put a smile on your face. So it’s possible.
You might also want to consider personal therapy, like I said, your mind is saying let’s stay together, but your physical body is rejecting that idea because it does not want to go through such pain again. Or maybe your body is trying to tell you something. I have felt the same way at times, it just did not feel right anymore. Take Care, I hope everything works out.
Tweety – I can tell from your last not you are making progress and working through your emotions. There is alot of wisdom in your last note, keep pushing forward….
The conversation went well but my husband is still not talking and still blaming me and bringing stuff up from the past. If I say “We both said and did things that were hurtful” he then tells me I am the problem as I do a tit for tat. He just does not see or hear what he is doing. So I did not ask him to move home. But I have asked that we talk about a time frame and boundaries on this seperation. All his stuff is home, he has not moved out. Just packed a bag and sleeping with a blanket on a futon, not even sheets! He did take off his wedding ring so I took mine off, just made me sick. Told me he just wants to be alone.
Sadly our oldest son now is saying he does not want his Dad at his wedding this summer and he is done trying to have a relationship with him, then he refused to tell his Dad himself. I am not going too and my sister and mother in law are going to talk to him about not putting this burdon on me as I am having a hard enough time. He is 27 and can write his Dad. My husband already blames me for everything and tells me I blow it out of proportion on our adult sons. All 3 boys are having issues, drinking, drugs, failing grades in school and I am trying to hold it all up.
So I am changing the dance of our long marriage, I no longer pretend nor hide and keep his secrets. Back to the gym in the morning and now to be truthful with all our mutual friends. Secrecy is what has allowed him to continue his behavior and his refusal to get couples therapy. Also searching for a good family/couples therapist to start myself (will drop my individual) and talk my middle son into going. Will invite Dad to join us. Let us see if he even cares at all about his family. We are strarting to think he is mentally ill.
Hello,
It is good to read feedback on those who have stayed in their marriage. I am having my good and bad days. Here’s my story. I found out about 2wks ago that my H of 10yrs and 7 b-4 marriage, was having an affair. I found a motel receipt for a place that is 20miles north from our house on the same day he said he was going camping with some male friends an hr south of our house on dec 18, 2011 . Then I looked at a cc statment for any motel activity and sure enough I found it along with proof of dinner at a restaurant in Sept 18th, 2011. When he came home from the the gym I had asked him about the walmart receipt I found which was near the motel. I said, ” how could you be there when you were suppose to be an hr south of here.” He denied being there and said he would call his buddy up and he would verify where he was. he called and no answer. I told him if I wanted information I could get it and thats when he fessed up. I sat calm as he told me how his buddy (the one he was calling) ran into the OW and an old friend of his at the bar. He asked his buddy for info on the OW and he gave it to him. The Affair went on for almost 6moths either in person or over emails. I slowly became furious. I thought about how this could have happend. About June 2011 our marriage had been alittle rocky and I decided after being let go from a stressful job I would take some time away. Before I left I told him if he was going to have sex with someone else have the desency to not do it in our house. I said this out of anger and he took it as permission. He made it my fault. He did say he was sorry and that what he did was wrong. After we agreed that he would no longer have contact with OW I made some requests. If I feel threatened I can look through his laptop or his cellphone. He has agreed not to go out to the bar & listen to rock bands for a few months and spend more time with us. We did agree he would go to the gym twice a week and when he does go I sometimes worry. I know it is still fresh in my mind and he did give me info about the affair when I asked for it. He even called his mom, who I am very close to and told her what he had done. He doesn’t know that I had told her of my suspicions before I actually found out. She was very dissapointed in him & was my sounding board and didn’t just tell me what I wanted to hear. I have been in her life for the past 17yrs and she is like my own mother. I am going to anger managment and it is also helping with the pain I sometimes feel. I am currently taking classes to finish my degree as a paralegal and starting a wellness program to better myself physically as well as mentally. I appriciate that you say ” women who stay in a marriage after an affair are strong.” That is my mantra I wish this would never happen to another women but these are the moments that do make us stronger and mold us into the women we will be tomorrow. ((hugs)) & thanks for listening.
Well here i am – I caught my husband cheating on me a 3 months ago with a woman he cheated on me with right before our wedding- I believed all the apologies and excuses about him being scared, cold feet etc. and put it behind me. We have ot had one year since then in our 4 year marriage that he has not cheated on me and left our home on partying binges some last a couple days some have lasted weeks and one time we separated for 4 months while we were going to counseling only to find out after we were back together that he had been swearing his commitment and fidelity to me while sleeping around. every time he has tried to blame me and he does say he is sorry and all the right things but if i am not able to get over it and just put it behind us within a few days- he gors back to the blaming and yes even accusing ME of cheating, telling me I’ve never loved him, if i loved him I wouldnt be this way blablah. i have older children from another marriage my former husband who was a wonderful man is deceases. He passed away when our last child was 9 months old. My daughter loves my husband and he has asked many times to adopt her but i have been putting it off because of his cheating/leaving. She calls him Daddy and to her he IS her Daddy. Yet when he leaves he does not even bother to call her and if she asks me to dial the phone so she can leave a (heartbreaking message still no response. I gave up my business to work his when we married and yet still had to hear tha tI was stealing from him when I took 4300 out of our account this last time he left and was staying with the woman no return calls and leaving me to field all the business calls because he was too busy partying and being with her to work. During the whole 3 weeks he was gone If I did get a hold of him he swore up and down that he wasnt seeing her and that he was tired of me being mean to him because of his “recent mistake”. When I finally drove to the town he was supposedly staying (his mothers) and confronted him with his lies after following him. He still denied only when I threatened a messy divorce that of course would affect the business did i get (some) of the truth. He is oh so sorry yes it is her blah blah- I insist we go to her house and he tell her he never had any intetion of leaving me and that we are going to Christian counseling(his suggestion) at which point i find he had clothes and his business files there. He also had started having her take over my duties in the business. Now of course he says he is a closet alcoholic blah blah and that he felt guilty and it was just nasty sex which he did not enjoy. HAH! She was kind enough to include the porn videos they purchased together and a note from him to her Thanking her for a beautiful evening in his things. He keeps telling me that he has told me “everything” but I feel in my gut he is not and I keep finding More. Should I not be asking for Full Disclosure? How can we put it behind us- when he is still not voluntarily being totally honest? He kept telling me he never wanted a divorce and today I find Divorce papers that SHE helped him fill out hidden in his vehicle! He says she did it on her own but all his personal info including Social security number and a copy of our marriage license are there. Does he think that I am an idiot? We have been to Christian counseling once and I felt he was honest but when will the lies stop? How much more am I going to be blindsided with and is it my fault for digging and searching for the WHOLE truth? If he’s not willing to give an honest ful ldisclosure how do i believe that he is sincere “this time and put it behind me? There have been 5 women that I know of and other situations that are very suspect. i wanted to be separated while going to counseling and he volunteered to go to AA and has went – but our Marriage counselor says that is not the way that if we are going to work on the marriage successfully we have to be living together. every time I find another lie to a question I have already asked- I can barely stand to be in the same house with him. I am consumed by this thing and do not know where to turn.
Sorry about all the typos and grammar but I am crying anxious and devastated as I write this.
Also when I took the 4300 out of our account it was for me and kids to live on while I found another career. I left him 15,000.00 in the business account and told him – if he wanted a divorce – I would not take any of the business and would only need 1,700. a month for 6 months until I got on my feet. This was when he first left and before I knew that he was still sleeping with the OW.
I made a decison not to celebrate my 24yr anniversary which is coming next week on the 6th. I just cant find a card that says ” I am happy you cheated on me and I am glad we stayed together to try and work things out, when we cleary are not”. I was telling my girlfriend about my feelings and she laughed and said I don’t think they make cards like that and understood my feelings. It’s also not a good time to celebrate anything since my mother in law just went in the hospital 1/23 with a massive heart attack and stroke. She is 80yrs and my husband is her favorite child out of 3 so I don’t think he is even thinking about it our anniversary either. But just in case he does bring it up I will just have to say not this year I still have issue that I have to deal with before I can wish myself and him a happy marriage without cringing a little or a lot!
Hello, I’ve been reading over your blog for a a few hours…My husband is in the Army. I have had a difficult time adjusting to it, especially since he was sent overseas on his first assignment, leaving me with my 10 month old son. We have had our share of problems, but I always thought we had a very strong relationship..Anyway, in Feb/march of 2011 I was pregnant, we had just bought a house and he was going off for training. When he came back I started noticing him acting differently. I was pregnant, and not handing it very well (got rather depressed and was sick all the time). I had tried to leave him several months before because I felt like we werent making it, that we didn’t know each other anymore..but we talked things through and I stayed, and found out I was pregnant a few weeks later. well after he went to training he started disappearing a lot, staying late at work, putting a password on his phone, ignoring me on our social sites (facebook), and going out every weekend and staying out for 12+ hours at a time. I was devastated. i started looking through the phone bill and then one day it all fell together. I knew where she lived, who it was, and i was so confused. but it didn’t hit me for real until i opened his laptop (which by some weird coincidence was left on and unprotected) and there was a file containing multiple files of naked women. All were from women he met online previously, except for one..the woman I suspected him of cheating on me with..and there was apicture of them obviously naked, kissing on her bed..i fell apart. Three days later, i had my daughter..The months have been a big blur..so much has happened, its hard to remember what and when. but the main details are i moved out and to a different state with my family a little over a month later and ..turns out she got pregnant and he says he talked her into having an abortion..he never wanted me to know..now, over six months later i’m still lost. He’s talking about me moving back with him, and starting over..but i’m so suspicious and scared…i’m trying hard not to check his emails or anything (I had discovered a ridiculous amount of email accounts and other types of accounts online after it happened, i’m an Information Technology major)..I don’t know what to do..i keep waiting for him to at least TRY to prove to me that he’s changed and things are going to work out..but neither of us have gone to counseling, mainly because i’m in a different state..and a few months ago he locked me out of the phone bill so I couldn’t see who he was texting or calling. he says he knows i’ll never move forward if i’m always checking..which i agree with..but him doing it, just makes me feel like he’s hiding stuff from me again..we have two small kids and i graduate from collage with my bachelor’s degree in July..i’m trying to hold in there, and keep going but i’m so devastated still, and I don’t know what to do..
L3na from USA, I am sorry to hear about your pain! He needs to show remorse for you to work this out and you have to be sure if this is what you want too. It seems that he still has a lot of secrets and he has to be an open book and give you all his passwords to everything to make this work. If he doesn’t then you will always question him and yourself and that will drive you crazy! He has been truly unfaithful for a long time and this can not be erased from your mind! Do you feel you will be better off without him? Or better with him? That is the questions you need to ask and write down a pros and cons list to help you process everything. It’s amazing how your thoughts really can help you when seen writen down on paper.
Lisa – I know the feeling about the anniversary card…they just don’t make those kind! We “celebrated” (?) our 25th last June…6 months after discovery. We did take a long weekend to a nearby coastal town; kinda lame..but still something. No cards, no gifts…mostly a quiet, drinking while sit by the pool weekend. We did it together, and without fighting — but neither of us really had our ‘heart’ in it.
Hope your MIL pulls through ok. I’m guessing you’re right there to support him. Stay strong!
Oh L3na from USA — I’m so so sorry about your situation. We are all here to try to cope with the horrible actions of our spouses. I’m with LisaP on her post — he will need to show genuine remorse and do the work necessary to regain your trust. And that takes a very long time. You will see that many of us are going on a year or more since our D-Day and still aren’t over it and still have alot of work to do — as do our husbands. You should seek some counseling — to vent your feelings and get yourself some help. It’s a truly tramatic event — it takes its toll emotionally and physically. LisaP — I understand not celebrating your anniversary. I told my husband I’m not celebrating Valentine’s Day — It kills me because I usually put out decorations now — and there’s nothing. My mom even asked me why I didn’t decorate yet — I just said I’ve been too busy. He was cheating at that time. We went to dinner on Valentine’s Day –but he got a limo to ride her around town in the following night — complete with ILY cards/gifts, etc. SO – he can’t have me on Valentine’s Day any more….he ruined that. My counselor says I have to re-write the holiday and what it means. ….. what does that mean??!!! He’s devastated as he is really trying and has been since D-Day. But his history was bad. He had female friends that were a secret about 6 years ago — ended them….only to find out he had started that up again right around the time with the L-word woman. He is saying the right things — but it’s sooo hard to trust. I’m making progress, but still have to be true to myself. I think we will make it — it’s mostly me at this point who has to stay open to healing. They do all the crap — and WE have to deal with it and be the bigger person. Anyway — hope everyone has a good weekend — stay strong — lean on each other and pray that the best is yet to come.
OMG I’m on freaking fire right now after 8 mths of trying to get my marriage back on track I check my husbands email to find that he has an account with some website called sexsearch.com I’m furious to say the least. But I politely updated his status to ‘I’m a mother fucker who likes to cheat on his beautiful wife and treat her like shit I have no respect for women and I have 5 kids and I’m broke so come on all u whores and get a piece of this.’ Lol I wonder how many responses he will get now! WTH is wrong with him I’m so over this I’ve had enough not sure what I’m gonna do with 3 kids and no job but anythings gotta be better than waiting for him to break my heart again I’m not even done with thhe first one!!! I’m so mad right now I’m shaking!!
Tina, you have every right to be PISSED! I hated finding out my husband did the same thing. I took him back after the first affair only to have him break my heart again. That pain I think was just as bad as the first time. My husband admitted to sex addiction that comes from these sites along with his alcoholism. Once he started getting attention from these women telling him he was so hot he couldn’t stop. I am glad you change his status maybe he will learn his lesson not to mess around while your still here.
Now back to you, Breathe!!!!! Also confront him on what he did and see what he wants to do? It won’t be easy but has to be done!
Tina, my heart is breaking for you right now. It is not your responsibility to “fix” your spouse. At the end of the day you can change only yourself and once you’re finished holding him up and the weight is removed you will find that you are strong enough to face anything on your own. I spoke with my husband today and let him know that unless he gets counselling for his self-esteem issues and leaves his workplace (he slept with a co-worker) we cannot build a new future together. I will allow him 1 month and then we are over. You deserve so much more than lies and disrespect. I truly hope that we all move on from this in ways that are healthier for us, be it with or without our spouses.
Jewels – thank you for your kind words to me. All the women on this site are truly sisters in spirit and you have brought us together. I have my first psychologist appt on Monday and I am looking forward to the future, whatever it is…
Isthisreal- I thought I could fix him but apparently not it goes way deeper than I imagined I really believe he’s a sex addict I always thought it was me that I wasn’t skinny enough or pretty enough but I have finally realized that I could look like Angelina Jolie and he would still cheat. I’m still trying to get over the OW and the issue with that I was not ready for this. I never felt like I was strong enough to leave but I tell you it takes strength to stay but I’m just not sure I can do it anymore I’m tired of being his doormat! And for him to look me in my eyes and tell me how much he loves me it just angers me.so I’m making a plan and this time it will be all about me and the kids. I’m scared to death I’ve been a stay at home mom for yrs so starting all over is scarey! @ Lisa I’m not sure if I’m going to tell him I know yet because then I gotta hear about how I was snooping in his email and turns it all on me he is very good at that! But in the mean time I will keep checking just to see if he’s gonna actually try to meet up with one of these women. Just plz pray that I have the strength the endure this. By the way ladies I think we should all get together on an island somewhere have a few umbrella drinks and pamper ourselves wouldn’t that be great it could be like a retreat! Thanks for listening
Tina: I am in, just point me to the island! Most women don’t know how strong they really are until the s**t hits the fan! I’m here if you need to talk, sometimes its easier to make plans when you talk to someone who has no assumptions about your past! Just ask Jewels for my email if you need it
@ isthisreal- thanks so much I just might do that its really hard to talk to other women that haven’t been through it they can be very judgemental. I always hear your so stupid why don’t u just leave I wish it was that easy.
Ok ladies I need a little advice I made myself a fake profile on the singles website I caught my husband on should I send him something to see if he responds or should I just let it go? Is it ok to set them up to see if the fall for it or am I just setting myself up for more heartache? I’ve been upset all day he kepps asking me what’s wrong,and then he tells me “I love u so much I never want to loose you I will never hurt u again” I wanted to punch him in his face! Why do they go out of there way to make u fEel better when they know there hurting u behind your back?
Tina: I understand your pain and anger but I don’t think more lies and stooping to his level are the answer. If you can confront him about the account in a direct way without breaking down emotionally in front of him then you may get more honesty. And if you get more lies, well then that’s your answer right? But don’t go there if you are not prepared for the truth about him, otherwise you will be stuck in this nasty feedback loop of bad feelings that you never prepared yourself for. This is silly but sometimes it helps to imagine the conversation with all his possible responses and prepare yours ahead of time, that way you are less likely to break down in front of him…
Hello Ladies, so much has gone on in the past couple of days with this post….below are some of my comments.
Eve – I understand your advice that the counselor is giving you to live together if you are trying to work on your marriage, but I hope she is talking about your husband leaving for 3 weeks and the impact on the marriage from that as well. It seems like you need some time to think about if you want to work on the marriage. It seems like he has a handful of lies and women and that is difficult to recover from. He has got to be totally committed and it seems like from your message you are still catching him in lies. I think that you need some time alone to establish your boundaries for leaving. Yes you are in counseling, but while you are in counseling, if you find or discover X, what would be the breaking point. Your husband needs to know that because if you do not set that boundary, he is going to assume that everything is ok, because you are going to counseling. When it should be, here are the boundaries that you can not cross from now on, if you do, it’s over. Counseling would be used as a way to get to understand each other better.
Oh…and your daughter, I know she loves him so much, but eventually you are going to have to train her to understand that daddy may answer or may not, but that should not impact her mood, because you want to teach her not to let other people make her sad, including parents. It would be a great lesson on self-esteem if she could learn it now, and I think she can using this experience with her dad, it might take some time, but I think she will get there with some coaching. Also make sure she knows that just because he is not answering does not mean that he does not want to talk to you, kids take things personal so easily. I wish you well, I know you are going through a tough time with all of this.
LisaP – sorry to hear about your mother, how is she doing?
Tina - I know it feels like someone punched you in the stomach when you find out he is still playing games with the marriage. I almost spit my water out when I read your updated profile for him…lol.
It’s seems like you are hitting an investigative stage in your recovery, isthisreal is right, you already found what you need. Now the question for yourself is why am I still searching, what am I hoping to find? I know it’s hard with 3 kids and no job, and it’s not like you have to leave tomorrow. Just do some research and make sure you understand your options. Go see a divorce lawyer for a free 30 min consultation just so you can know your rights as a wife just in case you decide to go that rights and options. I know it sucks, they look you right in the face and say i love you, and then login to some sex website a couple hours later.
L3na – I know many women have already shared some wonderful advice, just know from my experience that men that are really ready to act right don’t hide more, they actually open up more, because they have nothing to hide.
isthisreal – Thank you for your kind words. You sentence It is not your responsibility to “fix” your spouse should be posted for everyone to see. It’s not, and so many women sacrifice themselves (including me at one point) in order to help and ‘fix’ our husbands. And half the time our husbands don’t even think anything needs to be fixed, yet we are stressing to fix them.
Will there be legal ramifications if I start a Facebook account with the name/heading “Beware of OW! She sleeps with married men,” and invite everyone from her community?
She’s married & what bugs me is that she had an affair & seems like her marriage is still intact & mine is all messed up. I’ve been tempted to hunt her H & let him know of the A. But I don’t want my H to be hurt in the process. I don’t know her H or how he would react.
The day I found out of the A, I went into my H’s FB account & posted something vile on most of their co-workers’ wall and on his wall, to tell OW to sto F-ing my husband. OW has no FB account so (as I’ve been told) she didn’t know what hit her once she went to work. Everybody’s been talking behind her back. I told my H not to apologize to her. Let’s try & see if anybody else from my H’s work will try to flirt w/ him. I’m still with him. I believe he loves me & our family. I’ve only seen him cry 2x in the 9 years. 1st was the birth of our 1st child together. 2nd was when I told him I have consulted w/ a divorce lawyer (although I really didn’t, was just testing his reaction). He has seen how it has affected me. 10/26/11 was my D-day but not a day goes by that I don’t think about the affair. Every single day … It eats you up. I’m still working on this period of blaming myself, of not stopping it 4 months before D-day when he won’t let me use his cell phone, of not checking our phone bills to see that he had more than 500 texts a month from the slut, of not going with him to an out of state seminar (when he was telling me to go), OW was w/ him in this seminar. Not a day goes by …
I have this voice in my head that tells me, it is not me. I am not to be blamed for this A. I may have my shortcomings, I may have my faults, but these are not excuses for him to sleep w/ a whore. I’m lucky enough, I guess, that my H owns up to his mistake. He says he is just human, it is his fault he is not that strong to fight off this whore. Although my informant told me that my H had confided in her before A started that the OW won’t leave my H alone. My H was asking what to do with her.
Well, I haven’t started therapy yet. I think it will be helpful. But first I’ll take a month long vacay w/ my mom in my brth country. 1st vacation by myselk kinda in 9 years. I’ve been a FT housewife. My H has not washed a dish or clothes, nor helped on a single homework for our 3 kids
Continuation …
In 9 years. Now I’m going to go away for me time. My H will be on his own, to be a houseband for a month. If he decides to try to talk to the OW again, well then, he knows what’s next. I will try not to burden myself while on this vacation. I will be pampering myself wih his money. I’ve teased him that he should have As more often so I can go on vacations. Sigh*
It will get better for us, I pray. We’re here for each other. Ready to listen anytime. And thank you for listening to me tonight.
Jewels, Mother in-law is on her death bed. Were just waiting for her suffering to end. My husbands a mess and is saying all sorts of things like, family is everything to me and my boys. It wasn’t until his mother got really sick did he say things like this which just makes me mad inside. He couldn’t see or say these things before/during when he was cheating on me. it’s all about family now, really? Sometime I just want to slap him upside the head and say what took you so long. But I know its all his emotions now taking over.
Another thing this week Demi Moore 911 call breakdown whatever you want to call it. He was looking her up and trying to figure out what she did, and I said she was probably looking for some relief from all the pain she is going thru. I said I too thought about ending it all and how the world was spinning out of control and that pain is so unbearable at times that you just want to die! He said he was sorry for causing me so much pain and that it was all his fault. So now he understands that pain deep down inside that hurts so much that you think the world would be better off without you. But I never did of course because I have my boys and thats what I told him. He understood, I still have thoughts about those days and that pain that hurts sooo bad. It makes me tear up when I talk about it. But I am strong and I am making changes to better myself and this relationship the best I know how. I even have a job interview tomorrow it’s only p/t but that’s ok.
Lisa- Its so funny that u would bring up Demi because I was thinking the same thing I too have had those days where I to have had those days I just want the pain to go away and it won’t. But it goes to show u it doesn’t matter who u are how beautiful u are or what u do u can still get cheated on! It took me awhile but I finnally figured out it has nothing to do with me! My husband was saying the same thing about family when he had a cousin drown in a boating accident the day after thanksgiving and it made me mad and I’m having a reaaly hard time believing he means it! I’m taking everyones advice not to bait my husband I don’t need anymore heartache.I guess I still snoop one because I don’t want to be made a fool of and I just don’t trust him.I still haven’t told him I know about the website but he knows something is wrong. I had a migraine yesterday was crying and throwing up all day it makes me physically ill. And this is not even the worst he has done you’d think I could handle this. Also Lisa sorry for your mother n law my prayers go out to you and your family.
Tina, do not bate, but do look for things that you know are not right. (Go with your gut, it is never wrong!) Tell him you will not put up with those things. Ask him if you can do these things and see what he says. He won’t like it so why should you! He has to clearly see he is doing damage to you and your marriage. does he really think this is going to make things better?
My MIL just passed away so I have to hold together my family as my husband falls apart. At least his mother saw us together trying to work on our marriage before she died. He even confessed to his parents about his affair and his alcoholism which I thought he never would. So for the next week my husband I am sure will be sad and will be sayng things like family is everything and it is when it is good. but when it’s bad they can turn on you in an instant!
Thanks so much for the support comments and all the stories help me feel not so all alone. I feel like i am losing my sanity. I am devastated hopeless defeated and infuriates and at the same time can’t atop loving him or let go of my marriage. Mcounaelof asked us to ask forgiveness of one another and then forgive. We did. H told me that he had disclosed all Ans then after counseling 2 days ago i find di force papers. That ow helped him fillout! So once again there IA still more. He says that he was throwing her a bone and never i tenses to go through with it. We own and run a biz together Ans he was trying to get her to so my duties
Lies lies lies
He has been telling me he is an alcoholic and he has been hiding it Ans this is the reason for his behavior all these years. I am supposes to believe that she was an alcoholic convenience and parry companion Ans the sex.was a meaningless natural result of that. I must have idiot on my forehead today. They were making plans
He was so disrespectful of me be let her fill out papers with him. He had clothes there
He never missed abeat. I am so jury he says he needs me i say he needs someone anyone tofill the slot. I feel as if we are interchangeable to him
I feel devalued
I believe i am broken and worry about mu self control Ans sanity
And all he cansay Is”i thought we were gonna try Ans get past this. You don’t really love me Ans if you can’t be positive there Is no sense in trying to work on it” wtf? Does he not care at all? He acts like IM throwing a hussy bexuz he slammed the door one too many times
Also ow sent me a note he wrote her on a napkin saying “thanks for a beautiful evening! I have hidden little love Noyes for him to find through out pit whole relationship
Not once – even though i have asked him too has he ever written me Any note. Also this is a say at a mature park dinner and then sex with porn videos that He planned. Again never once- i have planned many surprise outings for him doing things he enjoys with not even a thank you. I am so hurt and how much more do omees to see that his actions don’t match his words
I am a strong succeaful woman
I have been cheated on in arelatipmship once before. And walked. What IA wrong with me? I wish i could just disappear from everything. Thanks for listening. I am lost and going insane
Lisa- so sorry for your lose my heart goes out to you. I can imagine it may be a little difficult to comfort someone you are angry with. I’m not going to bate him but I kinda feel like I should not put much more effort into the marriage if he’s not 100% I feel as if I’ve done the work and he’s not so I’m not trying anymore its up to him now to show me that he is in this.so we will se.
Tina, Thank you for your kind words. When my husband was not wanting to work on us I told him to move out. He did to his parents house. He was 48 at that time, and the second time because I felt it wasn’t right that he asked to come back when I really wasn’t ready but I said yes anyway. But in my gut I knew it was not right. We seperated for 3months, then he was back for 3months, the seperated again for 3months. Each time he came crawling back. The last time I took him coming back it was slowly not all at once. He would go home to his brothers house who is single at age 50, so two lonely men in a house. But he asked to come back so that was why I let him. But you know he never asked to go to counseling or really worked on us. I felt that he was just trying to pretend none of this happened. Until this last july 2011 I got into his cell phone acccount and found he was calling and texting the same OW from 4yrs ago! My heart broke again as I was trying my best to keep the family together while he was F**king her online sending pics back and forth. The shit hit the fan in july and his excuse was he was sick, I said no shit! He only admitted to alcoholism at that time but then I made sure he included sex addiction. The next day after that fight he put his cell phone back on our family plan and found and AA group for help. He had a seperate cell for 4yrs because he wanted to have fun while we were apart. He slept on the couch for 1 month then and we didn’t talk at all unless I had too. I shot those evil eyes at him if I had to look at him. Hate ran threw my blood, then one day he came home with a bunch of flowers and said is this ok? I said yes and he just cried and held me. but it wasn’t the end of it I still had so much anger and told him I still wanted a divorce and I even printed seperation papers for him. He then begged for counseling and till this day we still have gone. But we both know what he did and why he told me and I told him I will never love him the way I use too and can he live with that! He understood and is willing to try and be the man I fell in love with. So 6months have passed and I still have anger we have sex but I fell no passion for him. He is now 52yrs old and having ED problems and I wonder is he thinking of her, or what he has done and that is why he is having problems.
Hi Ladies, My husband and I are working on our marriage, he is still living outside and we make dates and spend lots of time together while getting counseling and will plan a date to move back in….We both are trying to work on this marriage because WE want to. We have a lot of baggage from before the A, and the question I have is does family members say things to put doubt in your mind since they know the marriage and the past hurts and problems? After 25 years it’s hard to just walk away because of family comments saying “he will never change…he knows you’ll take him back…..etc….” And don’t want to hear the I told you so’s. I try not to think too hard about what family says but it’s hard, just like trying to put our marriage back together….. which is even harder
Hello Everyone. I could use some opinions…
My husband had an affair (on and off) for almost four years. He never admitted to it until I found him at her home Christmas evening 2010. I called them and knocked at the door, they didn’t respond, they just shut off the lights. My husband stayed the night with her and tried to apologize to me the next afternoon.
There is so much to this story, too much for this blog, but here’s where I am at now:
My husband still calls or texts her at least 3 to 4 times a day (yes, they work together, but not in the same facility, they are both “big wigs” at a hospital) he says he cares about her, enjoys her friendship, and doesn’t want to give her up. He has tried very hard several times to get back together with her, but she refuses because he walked out on her. He has stated, to me “Do I want her back” “more than you’ll ever know”. He also says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he says “I bring him calmness”. I do not understand why he contacts everyday. I looked at his phone bill (he has since changed the password) so I am sure of what I am talking about.
She is younger than I am. Attractive. Not to mention a healthy income. My husband complains she drinks to much…and that he ended it with her because he doesn’t like being told what to do.
I have to mention that the woman text me when he broke it off with her and said “your hubby said you were separated and getting a divorce” but when I text her back she refused to talk.
Thanks for reading.
Lisa – sending hugs your way. I can imagine it must be tough trying to be strong for your husband through this difficult time, after what he has put you through. Don’t forget to take care of yourself while you’re taking care of everyone else.
So I have been the one to push for us to meet with a lawyer to come up with a separation agreement since he will not move out like he told me he would because he is afraid I will file for abandonment and take the house. Why can these men ever figure out that when we are going thru this, the last thing on my mind is my house? So after a huge fight and him leaving for the night (probably at the OW house even know he said he ended it) he called a lawyer today. Is it normal to feel like I was punched in the stomach, I mean this is what I want right? I don’t know if I am sad because now it feels like it is really over or because I want the marriage. I am so tired of not knowing which end is up anymore.
Use to be Happy, I too pushed for the lawyer and we went only to find out we couldn’t afford to divorce unless we sold the house. Which was out of the question at that time so we put the divorce on hold. But that punch in the stomach feeling only makes you realize this is real and your done with bullshit! It hurts and I cried for hours after the meeting thinking Iam ending my family over my husbands affairs. That not knowing which end is up anymore is getting closer that’s why you question everything. My husband asked me after the meeting is this what we really want? I said I didn’t know and we just cried and held on to each other for what seemed like an hour. We never did file but we sure came close. You will know what to do when it’s time.
So I confronted my husband about the website and he went balistic on me trying to make me feel bad for looking at his e mails n not trusting him so he he turned it around on me just as I knew he would. He told me I had to leave the part that angers me the most is he’s willing to throw the marriage away bc I don’t trust him but yet I’m supposed to forgive him for his affairs hardly seems fair. Not sure what I’m gonna do I really just want to crawl in a ball n die or have the break down I so deserve.not havig a good day at allv
I have spent the better part of the week reading everyone’s post. It has helped me quite a bit. My husband and I have been married for almost 22 years and have been together for over 24. We have two children and up until this summer time thought we had a very good marriage. He would tell me and everyone we know that his love for me only got stronger and stronger as the years went on. Then in Feb of this year he lost his job (one that he had been working at for over 26 years). The company was bought out and he was one of the people that they laid off. He knew that he would be laid off prior to it happening and becasue of this his attitude started to change. He enrolled in school to get his AAS degreee which was great, and started doing more projects around the house. After about four months of this and not able to find a job he started to change abit. Around June he connected with his first love on facebook and they started communicating. Then in late June we had to travel for a funeral where they meet up face to face, Even with me and our daughter there she followed him around like a puppy dog and stayed at his side the whole time. He was also around her and some of their other friends too. Then after that they really starting communicating. He started to become more distant with me and would go out for walks around the subdivision, when I questioned him he lied to me about it and said that he needed some me time. he told me she was just counseling him becasue of his issues and I told him that I thought that he was having an emotional affair with her. He denied it of course and then in August it became a phsyical affair. I found out about it and called him and confronted him about. He was with her at the time, the next morning after that night. I flew home that day and he returned a week later. He stayed with his brother during that time but saw her during that week. He came home but said that he was in love with her and thinks he never really stopped loving her, he loved me too but not in the way a marriage should be. Around Labor Day weekend I throw him out and he went to stay with her (she lives in another state). He came home after a week, for the reason to see a counselor for the family. That did not go very well, counselor was an idiot. Anyways he still communicated with her whenever I was not home. They had plans to meet and spend 5 days in SC but because of me their plans changed. Then I talked to him and told him as long as he was in this house he was not to communicate with her. We gave it until the end of the year to see what would happen. During that time we talked off and on about thing, talked about the fact that I felt he was having a mid-life crisis and so on. He told me that he felt that he needed to try her out to see if this is what he really wanted, but yet he was sleeping with me. Finally around the end of Nov. I came home one day and told him he needed to leave, and I wanted him gone by the next morning, he packed all his clothes and left the next day and moved in with her. I didn’t say goodbye or talk to him while he was gone, and then 10 days later he sent me an e-mail, saying he believed everything I told him was true. He told me he now believed that he was going thru a mid-life crisis and that he laid awake the night before thinking mostly about me and that he realized that he really did love me. Sending him away him made him realize this and that it had to be hard for me because it was very hard for him to accept. Needless to say he came home, problem is he is still very distant from me and still not sure what he wants. He realizes he is in a depression and until he can figure himself out he can not work on us or really give me what I need or want. He told me that he knows I do not trust him and he also feels that I never will, after what he has done. I told him that until he tells me that he has broken all ties with her I can’t really trust him. He says it is hard for him to try to work on things with me if I am always threatening to throw him out or sue her. In my state I can sue her for having a affair with my H. My emotions are all over the place an am not sure if working on our marriage is what my H really wants. I know I do right now but in his state of mind not sure if it is possible. Question everything, but then think about the fact if he really did trully love her why did he come back here, when he had moved in with her. He left her after only 10 days when she suggested that maybe he needed to go home and since he has been back for the last 1 and 1/2 months has stayed with me. Even when I have told him to go be with her, he keeps coming up with reasons to stay. This confuses me so much.
Use to be Happy,
Hi. My husband did the same thing. He said he’d be out by the end of the month (two years ago). When he does stay away (as in tonight) he says he will be staying in the city…he really spends the night with her, but of course he claims “no intimacy” they are just friends. He is angry that I will not accept his friendship with her. I feel like a ping-pong ball. Things are good when I behave (meaning I don’t ask him anything) I am hurting very badly, and at the same time can’t take this situation anymore. I am seeing an Attorney on Thursday.
Karen, Why is it that men go back and forth trying to make a decision while still having sex with the OW and us. Because we let them that’s why! We dont want to loose them but we dont want them to stay either. By you putting your foot down he realized what he had. Yes it’s a mid-life crisis, mine had one too. It lasted for 5yrs until I threated him again. He finally chose me after he realized what he had. But if we did this to them, forget about it, they would have never let us back in the house. You need a new therapist that makes him realize he has to stay commented to the decision he makes. No more wishy washy!!!! I hated that feeling, wondering is he coming back or going again. Ugh!!!!
T53, Good for you! Keep that appointment and threaten him afterwards. If he can’t make the decision then make it for him! I told my husband many times to be a man and file, he never did because it wasn’t what he wanted! If he is leaving and staying out it is cheating! You deep down he is with the OW.
Tina, of course he blamed you for all this, it’s his only response! Because he is guilty as hell! It’s their defense mode kicking in. They lie to our faces about all this stuff even if we have proof! They are not men but boys when they are caught doing something wrong! If he wants to work things out he needs to give you all passwords to all his stuff. He even has other email accts you don’t even know about. My husband had as many a 6 at one time. And what was funny about it is his OW never caught on he was cheating on her too.
Thank you LisaP.
I am amazed at what I’ve been reading on here…WOW!
I am exhausted from this situation, and you are correct, he doesn’t have the “ovaries” to file himself.
This is so hard to do. I will be starting over at age 53. I am scared, lonely, and worried about my future. I think these are also the reasons I stayed in the situation for so long.
Thank you so much for your response.
Hey Everyone!
Camz aka Death is more than welcome but please not today … – YOU TIME – first time in 9 years, I am super excited for you. I know you posted about fb and the OW, I wouldn’t, just because she is not worth your time!! Live it up in your time off, your husband is going to be a mess, but don’t you worry yourself over it. Relax and have fun.
LisaP – oh…it’s your mother in law, sorry to hear about your loss, I know dealing with a death of a close one within the family can be stressful. How did the interview go? I know you mentioned the sex without passion, it was the same for me, too much hurt to think of sex with him as pleasurable, this is difficult.
Eve – sending virtual hugs to you, you are in so much pain. I was there, I never in a million years thought I would be as hurt as I was because of cheating, never. But I realized I had wrapped my entire self-worth into my husband over time. So it was painful rebuilding myself but I did it, and if I can do, you can as well, trust me.
Tweety – You mentioned family – family typically are giving you advice without knowing the whole story and without having experience what you have, so take it from that perspective. At the same time, sometimes family can see things that you can see yourself. It depends on how they deliver the information. My sister in law pointed out to me that I kept defending his cheating, and I could tell it was annoying her. I had no idea I was doing it until she pointed it out, just it just depends on what they say. If you do not feel there intentions are good, do not listen, they are already making a bad situation worse, that is the last thing you need in your life right now.
T53 – I agree with LisaP, he has got a good setup and will continue until you put your foot down and refuse to accept it anymore. What do you do for him, do you cook, clean, etc.? Of course you have to make your own decision but in my opinion being a wife is something that a husband deserves. He has to do his part, he stops doing his part, you can’t continue doing yours, or else there is no incentive for him to stop seeing her. I know he says you bring him calm, but that is not an excuse to do what he does. I think it’s also time for you to evaluate if you really want to be with him. Take Care – hugs.
Hello Karen,
Welcome. Yes, it seems your husband is confused. I know it’s very painful to have your husband not be confident in wanting to be with you. I know he is going through a rough time, and as a wife, you can be there for him. But marriage is not about being there for someone and getting disrespected in the process. I left my husband, but I feel like I was still there for him, I think it is possible (I am not suggesting you leave, just sharing a part of my story). You can give him some time, but he needs to know that it is not fair to you, nor will you be sitting there waiting for him, it’s just not fair to you and will literally drive you crazy. You know your husband and what conversations should take place, and I hope whatever happens works out for you.
Tina
Your husband is so making you feel guilty for getting caught. This is very common, they are in the wrong, and you leave the conversation feeling horrible, like you did something. I took this type of punishment for a long time until I finally realized he is playing games. He is projecting his anger for himself onto me, and I started not accepting it anymore. Tina you know in your heart what you saw, don’t even listen to what he says, he is just saying that to make himself feel better. So he is going to talk more about you snooping than what you actually found? Not cool, he is trying to avoid the conversation. Always remember, regardless of what he says Tina, you have a choice, and it does not have to be the one that he suggests. Hugs.
HelloLadies, I thought I keep you all posted on my dealing with my husbands mothers death. So for the past week she was in the hospital and they waited for her to die which she did on Sunday. So everyday since beenig hospitalized my husband hasn’t been home but with his father and siblings making funeral arrangements. The woman wants to be cremated and her ashes thrown away (her words to my father in-law) Well against her wished they are having an open casket viewing for family that didn’t get to say goodbye and then two weeks later she will be cremated and then stored as a graveyard with others on an open table. so I brought this up to my husband are you guys following her wished or what makes you all feel better. Well that started the fight! He said I am not being supportive and that it’s his fathers wishes to do this and his parents are strong catholic people. In my mind I am saying bullshit! Because only the mother was, her husband cheated on her for yrs and was even caught by the kids and now they are being all reglious? Such hypocrites the whole family!!! Because now she is dead they are all God fearing even my husband! I just don’t get why they put on a show like everything was so good. Mybe I am just still so made at my H for not being God fearing when he cheated on me! I did apologize to him for my questions and won’t talk about it again . Was I out of line?
sorry for the spelling errors, I meant Mad not Made ……update he just came into the room and apoloigized to me for being so tense and angry that I am not supporting him. (Oh and get this, they want this big elaborate funeral but don’t want to ask their father to help pay for it!) We don’t have money to spare since I am not working. Am I being too bitchy?
It makes me think, men still do want they want even when we re dead, even if it’s against our wishes! Or maybe it’s just the men in this faimly that I am attached too.
Ok I just talked to my mom and she said I am over reacting to this funeral stuff. Maybe I am and she also said I am so mad that I am angry at his family too. That I need to let it go. So I will try to let it go and move one with whatever happens in my life and take it one day at a time. So that is my new montra! Let it go!
Oh LisaP – (First — sorry for your family’s loss). And I completely understand your feelings. I think your feelings come down to those of lack of respect — no respect for your mother-in-law’s wishes — that were just overridden. You are a good person — so of course you would be mortified by their behavior and disregard for her feelings. Kind of feels familiar, right?. I deal with this on my end and see it with my stepchildren and their treatment of their father. I have to bite my tongue and not speak up when it’s total disrespect. Ugh. Just let it go in your mind — try to detach. On another note — I do have to vent/question…..I’m scared about Valentine’s Day — it will be a year anniversary since his EA (with kissing and the L word — caught it before it had progressed — but it was heading that way) — I don’t want to get him a card, have not put out decorations, no cards to anyone except my parents and grandmother. That’s it. Grrr… I hate that my H and that OW ruined a holiday I used to enjoy. But he had two Valentine’s last year — makes me sick when I think about it. Any advice on how to get through this day and re-write the holiday? Anyone ever go through something like this? My husband wants to celebrate it and is so upset that it upsets me so much. Men can just compartmentalize and I suppose their feelings just go away — but we are left with the pain. I had a meltdown after a dinner this past weekend. A friend turned 60 and they did the photos to music video — and the wedding pictures with his wife/kids from way back. The stories were how he pursued his wife and how she turned him down — but he finally caught her……made me sick and very sad that we won’t have that story now — I asked my husband what our story will be. He said that we will have “made it” and made it better. He is really trying — but I’m still just so angry at times. Hoping this subsides soon. It ticks me off that she “got one over” — and got his attention. Oh well. I’m going to “let it go” — she probably is now dealing with her fall-out — as I had told her H about it —
Ella, How about picking another day for you two to acknowledge a new start? Something in the spring that can be just your day without any other reminders. The two of you can pick it together and plan for a special something (dinner, movies, a little get away). He is just going to have to understand that the old day doesn’t work for you anymore. Maybe in the future but not now! Ask him and see what he says.
Ella thank you for understand my anger and thoughts regarding my MIL I really thought I was alone in this for awhile.
Tina,
My husband said the same thing to me, that I do not trust him and he believes i never well again. He walked into my work the other day when I was on the computer checking my work work e-mails and asked if I was checking up on him. Thing is I can not really trust him as I told him because he has not really cut ties with the OW. He is still emotionally attached to her. Not sure where we are going because one minute he is distant and the next he is not. Not sure if it is the guilt, depression or his feelings for her. If he really wants her why did he come back when he had already moved in with her. That confuses me. It is very hard to work on your marriage after an affair, let alone when your husband is depressed and dealing with mid-life crisis. Just not sure how to handle things. I still love him and want to work on our marriage, but when he is not really doing anything to change things it is very hard. The one good thing about this affair is that I have learned to like myself more andhae a good self esteem. Which is another my husband seems to resent. Not sure what path to take and I am very tired of this whole drama taking up so much thoughts of my day.
Wow, everyone, wow. It’s good, yet very, very sad to know there are so many of us going through so much pain. I’ve spent two days reading all the posts on this site, and like most of you, would have never thought I’d be here. But I am. I will start by saying my marraige of 20 years had become more-or-less, like an arrangement, like living with a roommate. The real distance between us probably started about three years ago. We had recently moved (AGAIN!!!), and our son (now 16) (we have a 12 year old daughter as well) was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome (a form of mild autism). He had started getting into trouble with a like minded friend, and school was becoming more and more difficult for him. Not that his behaviors were new, because he had always been a difficult child diagnosed with ADHD and OCD. But this new diagnosis made everything we had been experiencing and dealing with since he was 2 make sense. But it started tearing us apart. I am practical and always saw the potential for my son getting in trouble, but my husband was STILL, after 14 years of issues with him, in denial. Things continues to get worse, and we continued to work with our son, but we did not work on US. I basically locked myself in our home, started watching ridiculous amounts of TV and gaining weight. My husband started drinking more and replaced me with our son. They were always close, but they really started bonding more and hanging out fishing, playing golf, hunting, etc. etc. It really wasn’t bad, but it was like there was no us anyomore. Just them.
Fast forward to now. I have been in therapy for 3 years. Mostly because of my son and his issues, but also mine. And the fact that I do nothing for myself. Just my husband and kids. Things have been getting better. I’ve lost 25 pounds…many more to go
. I’ve started caring about myself, and I’ve tried to re-connect with my husband.
On Monday…yes, two days ago, I got a call from someone (OW’s H) saying he thought there might be something going on with his W and my H, and I thought he was crazy. Seriously, my H is the last guy in the world that would have done this. Right??? I told him I was certain he was wrong, but that I would keep an eye on things. I mean I really told him he was barking up the wrong tree here. Nothing to worry about. Worry about your wife, not my H. Anyway, I couldn’t let go of it since my husband had just been on a work get-a-way with a large group all of last week. He got home Thursday, and to be honest, he had been acting strange and TOTALLY distant.
I texted him at work and told him to call me, which he did. I told him about the call, but didn’t mention names, and he insisted that he was not having an affair, but would come home immediately to talk about it. The OW is my H’s secretary. Nice, right? How cliche’. Anyway, we sat down on Monday night to talk and I felt very foolish, like I was going to be set straight. He told me that he had drunk too much, and that he had been texting the OW during the night and asking her how things were going in her marraige (things have been bad there for quite some time). He went to bed before her, and others, and says he didn’t lead her on, sexually. She came to his room about two hours later, and they were “inappropriate.” Since that night I’ve gotten much more out of him. Yes, they had sex. Yes, he wore a condom. (YUCK…had he planned this??? He says no). But it was the only time. They’d talked, occasionally about their marital problems with eachother for about 6 months, he said. I DO believe that it was the only time they had sex. I feel like vomiting as I write this. It makes it very real. Anyway, I know that our relationship had been tanking. We had been taking eachother for granted and had basically started to ignore eachother, and our son’s problems had overwhelmed us. 6 months ago, we sent our son to a boarding school that specializes in high schoolers with Asperger’s Syndrome. It has been the best thing we could have ever done for him, but my husband was angry and sad about it. And I’ve learned through these past few days of talking with him, that even though he knew I had always been right about what we needed to do for our son, it killed him inside and he shut himself off from me.
OW is trying to work things out with her husband, she is looking for another job at another company (good luck in this economy), or at least a transfer. My H unfriended her on FB and I believe everything he has said. He made a mistake, admits alcohol is no excuse, and if I need to leave him he understands, but he loves me, is IN love with me, and this made him realize it. I didn’t get that part, because over the last 6 months, we’ve said things to eachother that weren’t nice, but I’ve been trying to get him to open up. He told me once he would never leave me because of the children. Well, I brought that statement up yesterday and said he shouldn’t stay with me because of the children if he doesn’t love me or want me. He said making this mistake and the fear and pain it has caused in him has made him realize that he wasn’t afraid to lose the kids. He was afraid to lose me.
He came home from work crying (I’ve only seen him cry 5 other times: twice when our dogs’ died, when his father almost died, when our son left for boarding school, and now.) He called out priest and went in right away to talk to him.
It’s been a whirlwind of emotions. Many of them good and positive. Yes…we were heading nowhere. Now we are talking and positive and want to start over. But the pain and hurt is still there, and the vision of them together is sickening. He gets it, has answered all my questions and knows that he was wrong, he’s been selfish and unresponsive to me for months, will never do it again, never should have in the first place, and he loves ME.
Am I a fool to believe him??? I do believe him. I adore him.
SORRY so long………
Hi Karen.
Isn’t it a sad day when you realize you are sick of hearing about your/our own drama….I am completely with you on this thought process.
All the best to everyone.
Tina, your husband is angry at you saying you will never trust him but he is not earning any trust through his actions. Signing up for a site like sexsearch is not appropriate when you are married with a family and he knows it. He is using intimidation and emotional blackmail to get what he wants and that is not healthy or warranted since the mistake was his. I hope you find a resolution to this situation that will make you happy, you deserve better!
LisaP — thank you for your idea — I like it actually. I just CAN’T do Valentine’s Day – so another day would be better – and I think he would be open to that as well. That works for me and would be something moving forward that we can use to remind each other of why we decided to work things out. Just stinks that we all have had to go through this to get here.
LAD from USA — UGH — I notice a pattern on this site that is very revealing. I think people act out when they are under stress, bored, or are feeling badly about themselves. The thrill of someone new showing an interest and someone to commiserate with makes them feel better about themselves. It could be anyone — but these people are available then as well. And so it’s easy. I always say women have most of the power and are the ones who give the “green light” signals to men. And the men jump on the bandwagon. And many women are looking for the “upgrade” and will do anything to get it. We get left in the dust with all of their issues and deceit. Women are much better at handling problems because we have more outlets — Men don’t — so they cheat. That’s an outlet for not facing life head on. Once the A is out in the open and reality hits, they run — that’s not what they want – -they want the fantasy of no responsibilities, someone who is always happy, someone who tells them how great they are. yes — the fantasy of what an A brings. No commitment, no bills, no real issues — you can be someone you really aren’t. And we have to help clean up the mess. Hopefully this horrible event can lead to positive changes moving forward (whatever they may be) — and that we can all learn from the lessons. I am a work in progress and it’s been almost a year. So it’s a long journey — but one I think we can beat.
Just found out that my husband is up to his old tricks again. He has a record of having secret and innapropriate conversations (e-mail, text, phone, and the infamous facebook) with other women. Always claims he’s never slept with anyone else. We just had a baby 4 months ago and found out when I was about 7/8 months preggo that he had been having secret lunches with an old friend while he was supposed to be checking on his dad and spending time with his brother. I left him after that. Went and stayed with friends for a weekend with my son. Came back home because I was 7/8 months pregnant and I didnt want to bring a newborn and all my drama to their home on a long term basis. I felt like he had been hiding something recently so like I’ve done so many times before I prayed and asked God that if my husband was hiding anything inappropriate to please reveal it to me. And like so many times before, God did. My husband NEVER leaves his phone around. So I found it to be quite odd that he left his phone at home after leaving for work. Mind you this was the very next day after I had prayed this prayer. The phone is usually in his possession (hand, pocket, etc.) or if he’s walked away from it, he’s locked it. This time it was neither in his possession, nor was it locked. There was an incoming text sent that morning from a woman who I did not know asking him when was his birthday. After I called her from his phone she informed me that she did not know he was married and that they met on E-Harmony. To add insult to injury, my husband and I met on E-Harmony 5 years ago. She said they met about a month ago and that he mentioned that he had two sons (which we do, one is my step) but never mentioned the baby and of course did not mention me
When I told him that we (the other woman and I ) had spoken he began his usual deflection game and wanted to fuss at me about going through his phone, but I told him we were not going down that path again and that if he wanted to talk about this situation we could and if not its fine with me. It’s been about 5 days and he has not brought it up. He’s sleeping primarily on the couch and neither of us are wearing our rings (he stopped wearing his a while ago, said it hurt his finger) We are parenting the kids (me more than he) and are being civil but thats about it. I dont have the money to leave now. Im unemployed with a new job on the horizon. I dont look forward to being a single mother of two, in fact my dream was to be a stay at home mom but all that’s changed. I’ve been praying for my husband for a while now but I realize that God had been speaking to and dealing with my husband. My husband just does not want to change. It’s time to go. My son deserves an better example of a man and my daughter needs to see a better example of a woman. I love him but I’m not sure if I am in love with him anymore. I will keep you all in my prayers.
Man has no hurt that Jesus cannot heal.
Hi,
I have been reading this site and cannot believe there are so many women in as much pain as I am right now. I found out my husband of 16 years had a year-long affair about 5 years ago and others in varying degrees since then. He has been deployed for a year, home for a year and then deployed for the past year, returning in November. I was so happy he was coming home finally, but have felt for a long time that something was just not right in our marriage. I knew he was not happy because I was overweight and I was unhappy because even before his deployments he was never home much and I worked full time, took care of our sons, and most of the domestic stuff around the house. During this time we also went through the loss of both of his parents, and he became very emotionally distant from me. I suspected an affair for years, and in hindsight was too afraid to find out the truth, so I really did not know what to expect when he returned. A few days after he returned on the day we were heading for home, he had to go to the base and I stayed at the hotel. As glad as we had been to see each other, I just felt that something was off so checked his phone which he did not take because it would not work stateside. There were texts to not one, but four different women. One, a high school friend had quite a few texts in which she said she loved him and was explicit about him and the text sex and he replied he was thinking of her. Another, also a high school GF he told he missed her voice. The third had only one text saying someone reminded him of her. The fourth he texted that he could not wait to be wrapped around her, obviously someone who was in country with him. I was devastated. I actually almost passed out, sank to the floor, got so nauseated I threw up and could only sit there and shake until he returned. Well, he admitted to text sex with the HS GF’s but said the others were a buddy’s texts because internet was so difficult, they shared phones and he turned it on me saying it was because i did not call him often enough. We were going home for Thanksgiving and a buddy of his was coming along with us, so i felt that i had to act normal. When he had to go to his unit a few days later, I found pictures of a few women and some email adresses in his stuff and confronted him with them. He admitted text sex, but denied again having an affair over there or before, saying buddies used his phone due to lack of internet service. He said he loved me and wanted to work things out. He had to leave again for three weeks and texted or called me every day saying he loved me and he deleted his email and facebook accounts. I sent him a letter saying I knew he had been unhappy in our marriage & unhappy with my weight and asked him about the women again and told him if he was in love with someone else, I would let him go, but if he loved me to come home. he wrote saying he had NOT had any physical affairs, loved me and wanted to come home to me and our sons. We were so happy and together when he got home and it was good except one thing kept nagging at me. The one text to the woman who he said someone reminded them of her was also the unexplained one in the pictures, he denied knowing who she was even though her name was on the back of the picture. I asked him point blank if he had an affair with her and he gave a big sigh at first and I thought he was going to tell me, but he denied it and denied knowing who she was. The next night, Christmas after he went to sleep, I looked in a hard drive he had for any pics of her (he tore up the other pictures) and found something much worse. A video of them having sex. Yep, talk about a devastating, soul destroying way to find out about an affair, even an old one. I don’t know this man. This is not the husband I have loved for years. He says it was over a long time ago and that he was stupid and he is sorry and that he loves me, but if he was so sorry, why did he contact any other women since then? He says it was simply for sex because i would not call him very often. This was true because quite frankly, I did not think he was in love with me any more. I don’t know what to believe. I am sick inside, but staying for now. He is being very good to me, but does not want to talk about it any more although when we finally did talk straight up, he was very honest about everything, brutally so on himself and me. He said he lied because it was in the past and he did not want to hurt me any more than I already was about the texting. I believe he really loves me and wants to make it work, but I’m just not sure if love is enough. I have always and still do love him with heart and soul, but I cannot live terrified that it will happen again whenever he is not with me. He has said that this is his F@@@ up and he is to blame and he still says he loves me, but I feel like two different people right now. The one who loves him and is so glad to be back in his arms and the one who hates what he did and how he treated me who just wants to either hit him or walk out the door. Mostly I just cry instead. The only upside, if there is one is that over the year he was gone, I lost 25 pounds and in the last 2 months have lost 30, so I’m feeling confident about me anyway. Sorry this is long, I just needed to get it all out. Thanks for “listening”.
I have been doing tons of research on how to deal with my husband’s affair. It is so sad to read all these posts and see how often this really happens to all kinds of good women. My husband also cheated on me. Our marraige was not a good one, as i was completely involved as the sole caregiver for my four kids while he watched me struggle. He grew up with no father and no home life and I don’t think he understands the bond of a family. I know he felt left out with myself and my kids, but I was as unhappy as he was and I didn’t look for someone else to fill his void. He had an emotional affair for a year and a half. My youngest child was a year and a half when it began. I had no idea. I found out a week after Thanksgiving by accident when I saw his e-mail. I was devastated. He lied at first and said she was just a friend and it was only e-mails. My gut told me different. I checked our phone record as far back as I could and sure enough there were thousands of calls at all times of the day. Almost every day. There were periods where the calls would stop and then start up again. When confronted again he said how sorry he was it was such a mistake. Told me they never met it was nothing more than friends and good conversation for him. I found out after talking to her and her husband that they had met on several occasions and that the husband had actually discoverd out about them back in February of last year, but that wasn’t enough to stop either of them. My husband was friends with her husband before he met her and their daughter plays on his softball team. The daughter actually quit the softball team last year and he told me it was because their parents were having marital problems and she had to stay at home. Little did I know those marital problems were becuase of him and her mom. I still get so sick when I think of all the details and how I was always home by myself with the kids when he was flirting and talking with this woman for hours when he quit talking to me a long time ago. I have stayed and agreed to work things out, but this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my whole life. I will have a couple good days and then some bad one where I can’t get my head on straight. I have to hold strong in front of my four kids 8, 6, 4, and 3, because I am their life and if I fall apart, then so will they. Some days i just want him away from me so that I don’t have to process the pain and then sometimes I think I can’t get enough of him. I don’t know which of those feelings to trust. My whole life has been destroyed and I feel like I have to start over and I don’t even know where to start. I lost myself with my marraige and my kids a long time ago and am not sure how to find myself again. He seems sincere with this has cut off all ties with her, has answered my questions, has comforted me when I am at rock bottome, but somehow I feel like he should be doing more. I don’t know if I should stay or if I should just stay aways. Any advice?
Hi,
It has taken me 18 months and a great deal of courage for me to actually tell someone other than my daughter (25 now) who knew before I did, that my husband of 27 years had an affair for 4 years up until 18 months ago when our daughter confronted him. I thought our marriage was a good one, well me being the dutiful, unquestioning wife following him from one country to another for his career, never questioning and never being asked how I felt about it all. The final move being to Australia where I was dumped on the new cattle station owned by the company he was working for, in the middle of nowhere, all alone, for the better of the family and the fact that he did not want to continue staying in hotels each time he came over. He travelled between two countries running the operations, still partying every weekend in the country I had moved from and he was based, and not actually having given up any friends or part of his life. I was never so alone in all my life and within 6 months he was having an affair in the other country, moved her in and flaunted their life together very publically. So all our friends there new everything except me. I started picking up little things, and am sure you all know how it is, you push them aside and don’t really acknowledge them. Then I landed up in hospital and he flew over and sitting in the intensive care unit, me drugged out of me skull on medication, he tells me that he is going to end it. Like the fool that I am, I just looked at him and said nothing. Needless to say that was a total lie and he continued his very public affair. Christmas of 2009 was a total disaster, our daughter and her boyfriend came to the cattle station for Christmas, they had a terrible argument about the company that her and I had just opened and he was not a part of. That was the beginning of the end and I knew it. I have never seen him behave like he did and knew that it was the end of our family. He left to go back to his base country and my daughter confronted me with all she knew about the affair, and boy was it a lot. Friends of hers had been telling her but she did not believe it until I confirmed it. This tipped the scales for her and she became annorexic, and me, well needless to say I could not stop crying. He had no idea of all the drama he had caused and continued on his merry life. He changed jobs so I had to move out the company house and to the same city as our daughter, and now had to deal with another move, buy a house and deal with an annorexic, if anyone has dealt with this you will know exactly how they behave, which added even more to my tears and sadness. She finally contronted him, see, not me, I just stay quiet, knowing that I will get the blame anyway so what is the use of getting further put down and made to feel more insignificant and useless. He got rid of her, well at least I think so, I am now very doubtful of anything and totally untrusting. I have spent the last 18 months in such a downward spiral, reached the bottom, still never said an angry word to him and continue life when he comes over here as if nothing has happened, his words, “You must just forget about it now”. In your dreams boy. It was not until January this year that I realised that I had to pull myself back, am trying so hard, and found this site and contacted Jewels, and now have written here. I am still dumbfounded as to how he could do this, am sure you all know the feelings of foolishness, embarrasement and the list goes on. I try hard everyday now to think of something good and am determined to climb my way out, and just knowing that there are other ladies out there that can share this would be a tremendous help. No one can understand unless it has happened to them. Now I have to find the courage and strength to find my way back and achieve the things I want, but oh boy do I have some bad days. I can only take each day as it comes and have no idea how to even. I do not want to be this person that he has made me into, but am very afraid. Think I should stop now, but thank you for being able to start using my voice.
Hello Everyone,
LAD – No you are not a fool for believing him. You said you had grown distance through the years, and unfortunately he has a woman that was already close to him through work take advantage of the distance in the relationship. Now I am not letting your husband off the hook, I am just saying that it happens. If it was truly a one night stand, that is great, this could of turned into something much further if they work together. The OW is trying to get another job, which is great, they probably are very uncomfortable with each other now that it is out with you and the other husband. Most people that go through similar situations end up discovering their husband’s again. They also discover themselves, I don’t want you to leave that part out because I know you mentioned it was all about the kids and him. You have to make time for you. It seems like through your message that you have thought about this situation in detail especially the events leading up to it. Self-reflection is really important in this progress, so that’s great. It’s also good that he is being open, un-friended her, and trying do everything he can to make it right, not all husbands do that. You might recommend that he takes personal therapy as well to get a deep dive into why he did what he did, I can only see that as helping the both of you. And I thank you for speaking about your son and the impact on the marriage, kids are definitely challenging to a marriage, but many won’t admit it. I hope he is doing well at his specialty school, that’s great that he can be among people with the same condition, I can see that doing wonders to his confidence! Take Care, take things one day at a time.
SSR from SC – Powerful story, very similar to mine, I was obsessed with finding out what he was doing. Then I let it go, told him I was going to stop bugging him and bringing up the affair, then prayed to the universe to show me the direction, couple of days later, she contacts me via facebook. I left for the same reasons, and I as well was literally terrified of raising kids alone, but you know what, I have been on my own for over a year, and I thought I would be stressed out, overwhelmed, depressed, and it didn’t happen that way. I actually left and for the first time had time to discover myself. Yes life isn’t perfect, but man it’s better than being stressed all the time. I learned to create a strong support system to help with the kids, and actually do not feel bad for using that support system. I wish you the best, you will be alright when you do leave (it took me a while to leave as well for financial reasons).
Sana – They typically lie and deny until there is absolute proof. Sorry to hear, I can literally feel the hurt, I remember those days of unreal pain. As I was reading through your story, his excuses did not feel right at all, his friend using the phone, ‘just friends’ but sexting, and pics, so when you wrote the part of the hard drive, I was still shocked to hear what you found, but in a weird way, I am glad that the truth is out, because again his story was not adding up and it just didn’t feel good.
I know you are beyond devastated, and unfortunately, this stage of recovery is one that can not be skipped, you have to let it go through it’s course, it is not fun, amazing how you lose your appetite, but remember it is a phase. No need to put anymore pressure on yourself in deciding what to do, you will have time for that process, now it just time to breathe, eat, and try to grab on to anything that puts a smile on your face. Virtual Hugs to you!
Rhonda A year and a half, crushing. I only have two kids, but I remember being SO pissed, because I believe that my husband changed his schedule in order to be with her more, which meant while I was pregnant, tired, stressed out, I had to care for them without no help. He never actually admitted to the schedule change, but I just know it. To know that he was just sitting there relaxing with her while I was stressing infuriated me.
I can tell you are really trying to understand how you can do this with 4 small kids. You are right, you have to be strong for them. If I were you before I actually left I would do two things. Pick up a book on kids and divorce, there is one called Helping Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles way, read that so that you can know what to expect, that helped me a lot. Also, I lost myself as well, I felt like I did not have any support other than my husband. So before I left, I started focusing on building a support system. I used to feel bad asking friends to help, now I realize that I am actually giving them a break from their life in having them watch the kids. Search for people in your life that can give you a break with the kids, you are going to need, and demand from yourself that you deserve and need that break. Your husband not helping out all these years may of conditioned you to believe that you do not deserve at break, but you absolutely deserve it and will need it as you start on your new path. Take Care – you will find the strength you need to do this.
Michelle – Thanks for sharing your story, I know we have communicated a couple of times. I can tell even by you sharing your story you are gaining strength little by little each day, I can tell by the way that you write. I love how you are determined to fight for you and get yourself back, do ever give up on that fight, there are amazing things in store for you, keep fighting to feel good!
Hi there,
It is just so amazing to see how many of us there are, and how broken these men have made us feel. I am very determined to find me again and will fight, even though I have some very bad days, just knowing I am able to chat with you has made such a difference, not keeping this all inside will help me to heal slowly but surely. I still don’t understand how anyone can hurt another person in this way. I suppose that is the question we all would like answered. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone and thinking the way I have been and feeling the way I do. It must have just been time for me to take the mask off and stop hiding all this . At least I don’t cry every day now.
Hey ladies sorry been out of the loup for a few days been doing some soul searching. U are so right about him trying to intimidate me about confronting him he is so mad that I’m still looking at his emails and that I still don’t trust him. He says I’m just looking to find something and I just want to stay miserable! I told him don’t give me anything to find and that its his fault I’m like this he did this to me! And his trust has to be earned! If I have to deal with his affairs then my god he can deal with my trust issues I think that’s a small price to pay considering what I’ve been through!
I have been married for 5 year with a military guy. We had never lived together due to his job and my education. Living separated over all these years, we were still happy everytime we saw each other. I caught him cheating just before Christmas. The woman was a stripper. We have been going to therapy since I asked him to go and try to work on this marriage. Now my issue is that he excused his affair (he refuses to call it cheating since they never had sex, although he paid the stripper to get breast implants). His excused is that it is my fault because the way to “belittle” him over the years. I always thought he was just a winey baby and I knew that he had self-steam issues (we confirmed with the therapist now). We have been working on this for 1 month, and we live in different countries due to work. I tried to stay home with him after all the events and he sent me home because he was overwhelmed with my presence and that he needed time and space to make the decision if he wanted to stay with me or not. Remember, he was the one that cheated. I agreed to leave and give him space. He has come honest and told me that he really thought our marriage was over when he started the affair and he was just scare to ask me for the divorce, and he was waiting for me to come home for Christmas to ask me for it. Well, I found out about his affair very soon. Now I do not know what to do. I present him the divorce and he refused to sign them. I then back out of the divorce too, and we both did this twice. He now tells me that he does not loves me the way he used to and that he really want us to try this marriage. I am hurt and scare he is going to cheat or that he will tell me in a few weeks or months that it is not working for him. Should I stay or leave?
I stumbled upon the site but so glad that I did this morning. My husband and I have been married going on 13 years and I have found text messages but never had any real evidence until a month ago. We have been having serious problems for the last couple of years and I can be honest and say that sex totally went away. Once we laid all of our cards on the table just before Christmas I said I wanted a dovorce but he said we could start over and everything would be alright. We have had the best time every since Christmas. Sex has been oh so regularly and we have been having Friday night talks weekly just so we can make sure that we are both giving the other what they need. I send him bible scriptures to work every morning and we discuss them and always find a way to apply them to our marriage. Unfortunately I found out he was going to hook up with the woman he promised me was a thing of the past. I am doing everything in my power and giving him everything he said he wasnt getting. His answer is we will get past this and he is embarrassed and so sorry. Ladies am I a fool to believe this man again? In my heart I know I should put him out but financialy I cant take care of all this alone. I can if I put more money to the side which is the plan I have in place. In 6 months time I can handle it on my own. Am I wrong for planning this? I have a heavy heart this morning and dont know where to turn.
Hi ladies. Trust, I don’t think I will ever trust him again, mainly for the fact that he has not even once asked what all this has done to me or how I feel, all he says is that I must just forget about it, he is not actually intereted in talking, as long as he feels fine, it must be all good. I am very fortunate that he works overseas so I only see him for short periods at a time a few times a year, all his choice, not mine. He phones nearly every day, but for the last 6 years he has always done this, even when he was cheating, am not sure that he still isn’t as he was so good at lying. I still feel like a total fool and although I am fighting so hard to find me again I have really bad days and am so lonely, doing this for 6 years now and just realising what I really want has made me see things that I was not seeing before, just how lonely and scared I am, what to do, where to go, even how to go forward. So for now I try and take each day as it comes stay positive and find my strength and learn to think about what is best for me for the first time in my life , so Stacy I know how you feel and at least you have the ability to plan and this gives you options and choices. I only have faith that I will find a way. I can’t even check up like you all can, so basically go on instinct just by things he says. I hope we can all find it in ourselves to be true to ourselves, going to take some doing though.
Hello Everyone!!
Tina – Yes, it’s such a diversion when they do that, when I first caught my husband flirting with girls online he actually said – “I meant for you to see that” his thing was he was teaching me a lesson about snooping. I was so so confused from that….but now I realize it’s just a trick for us to get the attention away from what they did. Sometimes I think cheating men get together and collaborate or something, so similar.
Mia – It’s a hard call whether or not to stay or leave. I can tell you my opinion of what I think your husband might be thinking. It seems like he has not accepted responsibility for his actions, because he is blaming you. And a man that blames the wife for the affair is not at the point where he can work on the relationship because the ‘work’ includes blame. Once he accepts responsibility for his actions, that is where true healing begins. Some men can do this, and some men can not. The ones with the self-esteem issues typically find it hard to accept responsibility, because that would mean they are ‘bad’ etc. so they refuse to accept it. I felt my husband kept blaming me because it made him feel better about what he did. I admit, I was not a perfect wife, but the act of him having an affair he has to take responsibility for his actions.
The other thing I noticed is that he still seems attached/involved with the women in some way. It just appears that way because he asked you to leave, now he wants you back. He seems confused. Now he wants to work on it, but what you have to get at is why? Why now? And what action is he going to take to prevent it. You both do not live together so trust is really everything. Men sometimes feel there self-esteem is wrapped up in the image of a ‘husband’ and do not want to let that go. So I just think it’s time to ask him a few questions, watch and observe to see if he is really committed or just talk. If he is really committed, there will be action attached to what he is telling you.
Stacy – No you are not wrong in planning this, in my opinion. In reading your story, it’s like man – things were finally going so well….why!!!
He says that ‘we’ will get past this, but because you have found text messages before, he has got a problem and he needs to get some help. Saying we will get past it is not enough to stop you from starting to save up. You are not giving up on the marriage just yet, you are just putting some away from you just in case. And I think that is very good. If things work out, great, you can have a really nice vacation, if not, then you have some money so that you can leave. I would tell him that he made the mistake, and if he does not work very hard to fix it, then you will make plans to leave. He should set up counseling, he should bring topics to the Friday night sessions that have to do with trust and marriage so that you can have some good conversations. But I will let him know it’s on him, that way, if he does not put in the effort needed, you can leave knowing that you gave him a fair shot at trying to mend this. When I say he should fix it, I don’t mean do not get involved. I don’t want you to get the impression everything is on him, I guess what I am trying to say is that he should take the lead or restoring trust, because he broke it, at such a wonderful time in the relationship (hugs to you).
Michelle – so glad you do not cry everyday anymore (hugs). Being with someone for all those years that never took your opinion into account must be devastating. I am so happy that you are realizing that you are so much better than that, and that your opinion and voice is so important – not just to you, but to the world. Take Care!
Jewel, —Thank you for all your encouragement and words they help alot, as well as this site.
Michelle–Funny how they do not seem to take the responsibility for what they have done. My husband has not fully done this yet and because of this not sure how I can fully trust again. Just remember we are not to blame in this, we did not make the choice to cheat. They alone make this decision. They need to own up to it. I have done alot of research and soul searching since this happened to me 6 months ago. Still not sure where or how my life is going to unfold. My husband and I are still living together, but he is not really giving me what I need. He said that he needs to work on him first before he can work on us. My therapist says that he is communicating with her still because he is addicted to her. She makes him feel important and good, does not judge him. Their relationship is like a drug addition right now, which is why he can not really give her up yet. Even though he says he is not going thru a depression, he shows all the signs. I right now am a reminder of what he is not, good job, great relationship with our kids, good morals, and good friends. He on the other hand has fallen off the pedestial that we all put him on, he feels that I no longer need him, and nobody really comes to him like they use to before. It is very sad. He did have a interview this morning so maybe if he gets the job his self esteem will get better. Not sure if that will mean that he will want to work on our marriage or maybe move out and start a long distance relationship with the OW. Still do not understand why she hangs on, he only goes to her if I throw him out and then within 10 days returns to me for some excuse or another. They do not talk on the phone anymore but maybe not sure text or e-mail. He told her the last time that I tried to throw him out he was having mixed emotions about leaving me and yet she still hangs on. Why
Found a book the other day that is very helpful and I recommend it to everyone. It is called The secret of letting go, by Guy Finley. Has been very helpful to me. One last thought. People cheat for various reasons, but those reasons are a reflection of them, not on you. We need to remember this.
Hi Karen,
Firstly thank you. Mine basically only felt bad and admitted it because our daughter acutally confronted him as this whole thing pushed her into annorexia and she was advised to confront him. Me, I’m just the idiot that keeps quiet, always been afraid to say anything, and to this day have not once shouted or been nasty in any way to him. It took a lot of courage on our daughter’s part as she and I had definitely put him up on that pedistial, he briefly fell off his and once he felt better, again which I helped him through, always putting him first is my problem, it was back to normal for him. He even said to me at one stage that he was in love with the OW, that was mind blowing. He is a very powerful man in his field and the country he works in, and I do have to say extremely good at what he does, so self esteem is not one of his issues, total arrogance is though. I am slowly realising all these things and thanks to Jewels I have slowly come to realise that all the things I thought were not silly and am slowly finding myself. I am determined not to let anyone treat me like this again. Big brave words, now I have to have the strength and courage to put them into action. I don’t think he even realises the extent of the damage he has done to me, has never even asked how I felt about it all. I am slowly coming to realise that I don’t want to know any more reasons or excuses, he has chosen this path all on his own and one day will have to take ownership of his actions. I have no idea how this will all turn out, but know that it is now time for me to find me again. Maybe him saying that you are a reminder is just an excuse for him not to accept he has and is the problem. all on his little lonesome. Take care and be strong.
I have just found out my husband has cheated with a close family friends daughter, who is now 19. The age I was when I got with him. So many of the stories here hit home with the manipulation and deceit I have put up with over the years. It all started when I had our first child. Two days after giving birth, he sat in front of me telling his Aunt I was tainted now I’d given birth. We have had some real goods times, but the bad are just awful He accuses me of cheating, putting my job before him, is reluctant to use his spare time for the family. He is the master of manipulation. But, what I can’t comprehend is my reaction to it… I phoned her up and had a constructive conversation with her. Then after my husband accused me of this being my fault, said to him all I wanted was for him to say he was sorry, its a terrible mistake and lets work it out. WTF? Anyway, I now have to carry on family life, look my kids in the eyes and paint a happy face on to protect them.
Ok to the women that think their husband are not remorseful because they are scared. No they are not remorseful because they know you will not do anything about it. I understand staying if they are truly sincere but if they are blaming their cheating mistake on you then yes you are better off alone.
Heidi–I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It is a very hard process, but keep in mind you did not create this. Do not let what he did hurt take away your self worth or self respect. I am here if you need to talk.
Michelle,–read your e-mail first thing this morning after getting ready for work. Gave me courage and strength. Thank you, never did make it into work, because things kind of hit the fan after that. Just before walking out the door I told my husband to have a great day and asked him what his plans were. His reply was what do you need me to do. My reply was why not write me a note giving me reasons why I should still be working on this marriage, and he told me what do you want me to say. I asked him then if he was still talking to the OW and he said no check his computer. Guess what for the first time I said ok, usually I tell him I don’t need to. Check his phone, e-mails, computer and facebook. First thing that pops up is a message from her on facebook, so of course I responded back to her that this was me and I see we are still communicating. My H was standing right there at the time. We left the house because my son was getting mad and continued our talk at the park. Left her a message on her phone that my H said that she would like to talk to me, so here was my number. He said that he can not decide between me and her, he loves us both. I do not know what he is going through, I told him I was out of the triangle and he needed to leave. Still talking when we came home we deleted all e-mails that he said he didn’t realize was in his computer and blocked her on facebook. he gave me his phone and i texted her letting her know that he was aware of everything and what we did about e-mails. Also told her all pictures were gone too, including the one that I didn’t need to see as she could imagine. In the mean time she e-mailed him to let him know she received my message via phone and facebook and she was not going to respond because she had nothing to say and was not going to subject herself to my wrath. She also said that she could not agree with my invasion of his privacy ..just her opinion of course. the nerve. She felt it best to avoid all contact with him and that they should make a pact that he should contact her when and if the marriage has ended. She could not endure this anxiety any longer. Signed- love always. After that e-mail she received my text and responded back –so this is all being put on me?? just sent an e-mail read it. Next one was thanks for putting this all on me to my H nice and last one was done is done…I’m done. As of now he is leaving in the morning. Guess all hopes of saving my marriage are gone now.
Wow Heidi, 19 that is quite something, you know I never even found out the OW’s age, am sure she was probably early 30′s, just was too devastated to bother with finding out. She was a golfing buddy, that much I do know. Am thinking of you as having just found out, I certainly remember that, I knew for a few years, but it never really sank in, then when my daughter told me what she knew, boy did it all come crashing down around my head. As I am slowly realising, it is not our fault no matter what he says, totally his choice, stay strong am thinking of you.
Karen am so glad my message gave you strength and courage, I am fighting every day to find and keep mine going. Think I am more protected than you as I don’t have the opportunity to check up, see emails and all that kind of stuff, even when he was home with me I did not even dare trying that, learnt my lesson from the one time I unpacked his suitcase and found an I pod. He came up with a good story at the time as to whom it was for and stupid me believed him. Penny dropped a lot later that it was a present for her. Needless to say I have never unpacked his suitcase or even gone near it again. Am not sure if it is good or bad not to know or have access to phones, emails etc. Him leaving in the morning, am sad for you, it is never nice to have something like this happen, stay strong, and hope you are okay, not your fault ever, something we all need to learn.
Jewels first off I would like to thank you for writing such an amazing book, and having the strength to share your experiences and outlook. I find myself in quite a different situation than most women who have posted on here and many other web-sites. My husband was not involved in a long term affair, he went away on a boys trip for the weekend and ended up getting involved with a older women, although there was no intercourse he did we will just say recieve a favor from this women. Here is where my story takes a horrible turn him and I have only been married 5 months. We have been together for 5 years and living together for 4 years and we have no children. Up until 2 weeks ago when he came home from his trip and confessed, we had an amazing relationship. I am just so hurt, my husband didn’t even allow me to have my honeymoon time with him. Everytime I think about our wedding day I cry, and wish it never happened so that it would be eaiser for me to leave. The worst part of the whole situation is that he cannot explain to me why he did this. The OW is gross, I am 31 she was 45, I saw a picture of her and am immediatly disgusted, you could not even compare us, not to mention she is also married with 5 children, no job, ect….. I cannot understand why my husband would 1. Be attracted to her 2. Why did he marry me. I am a very beautiful, young, and a hard working women. I am in a financial postion to leave him, and I feel I have the strenght to do so. My husband is very apologetic, we are both in therapy (together and seperate). Right now he is living with his parents and I am at our home, I cannot stand the sight of him. The other night I came home and he had put a bouqet of flowers in every room. He is trying, but I just don’t know if it will ever be enough for me. I am just so disgusted that my husband would be attracted to someone of such low caliber. I have always set very high standards for myself, and that included the person I married. I’m angry, sad, and honeslty so confussed. I know it’s to soon to make any descions. I was just hoping for some insight, has any one been through this? I continue to say in my mind I %100 know I can be happy with out him, however I am unsure if I will ever be happy with him if I stay. I just value myself to much, an feel that he has de-valued me, and I am not sure if that is something I can handle. Thank you for your thoughts!
Thanks Karen & Michelle, it gives me strength to hear your words of support. It has been a hard few days and closing my eyes just gives me images I wish I didn’t imagine. Anyway, I am talking to all my friends and hearing their advice. Take Care
Heidi- Glad you are opening up to your friends. I know that they have helped me alot thru my whole process, even when they get tired of hearing over and over again. Down let the imagines control you, try to take some time to do something nice for yourself. About 2 months after I found out my of my friends set up a day of pampering for us, facials, and full body massages. Then after I went and colored and got a new hairstyle. It was just what I needed.
Le5820–so sorry you are going thru this. One thing I have learned and am still learning is that you will never be able to figure out the reasons H do things or who they do it with. I don’t even think they know sometimes. Try not think or compare yourself with the OW you will never really figure it out.
Update on my post from the other day. Well woke up this morning and as I was leaving for work my H told me he was not leaving. First it was because now he wanted me to sign or write up a written agreement to protect himself and that I was forcing him out of the house. After arguing for a while I told him to write up what he wanted and I would sign it when I came home and I was not forcing him to leave it was him. Needless to say when I came home he was still there with no attention of leaving. Acting real nice to me when I came home and hanging up my coat. Asked him what was going on and he said he was not leaving his house, he didn’t plan on talking to the OW right now, but could not promise me that he would not sometime down the line. He feels a strong love for her and could see a future with her, but at the moment he doesn’t with us. Remember she lives out of state and if they were to have a relationship it would be long distance for the next year or two. Things could change for us while leaving together but right now he is afraid to see what could happen with us. If he tries this with me, he could lose her down the line. Seriously ladies I am so confused as to what to do and if he is just a jerk or if in fact he really does love me and want me. Remember He has had a change to be with her on 2 seperate occasions when I throw him out and he moved in with her, the lasted this last was 10 days. Why if he loves her is he here with me, and why when I keep trying to get rid of him does he find reasons to stay or just refuse. Still love him and if there is a change for our marriage what is the right road for me to take.
I’ve read a lot on this site and find many similarities, but yet it still funny how I feel like “but my case is different.” My husband (while we were dating) had a one night fling which he felt so guilty about and told me. A few years later, after we were married, I found out he was cheating with an old high school girlfriend who had moved in a few blocks away. Apparently he had plans to leave me for her, but when confronted, “chickened out” and stayed with me. I subsequently found out he was sending love letters to another woman the same time he was seeing this woman. To this day, he says it was only flirtation, although my gut tells me there was more. He gave many reasons why he cheated, which included “things got stale” (like I’m a piece of bread – I guess he thought he had no responsibility to communicate these feelings with me) and one of the other reasons was “I had let myself go” (although he was no Joe Atlas either). Anyway, the details aren’t important. I wanted to go to joint counseling. He wanted to “try to work things out on our own.” So I took him back. He has also exhibited other forms of disrepect (verbally berating me alone and in front ot others, throwing my things on the floor, throwing bills in my face, refusing to wear his wedding ring even though I made it clear it was important, watching and leaving his porn DVD’s around the house even after I told him how damaging it was to my self esteem, the list goes on). Anyway, about a year and a half ago, I had an incident that was the last straw. I went to a friends house for a weekend and left him a letter stating I had retained an attorney. He begged me to come back and talk it out. I did, we talked, and lots of tears were shed. I told him I would hold off serving him if he agreed to get himself into individual counseling as I think a lot of his behavior stems from what he saw in his dad growing up. He agreed stating he “would to anything.” I gave him over a year. He never went. I then said I wanted him to come to my counselor with me (whom I had been seeing since moving out for the weekend). When she asked if he had gotten into counseling he played dumb and said no, that he thought I was going to make all those arrangements. Long story short, he stated at that session that he would get himself into individual counseling. It has been 3 months and he has not. In the meantime, I have found out he is committing “financial infidelity.” He has been making major financial decisions about investments and not telling me. I have decided to move out this weekend for a “marital time out” to try to figure out how I feel and what I want. However, one of the things that I feel “guilty” about is that I feel that since I have stayed and here it is six years later, I have somehow implied that I have forgiven him and moved on from these affairs. Is there anything in the rulebooks that says there is an emotional “statute of limitations” on saying “you know what? This has damaged me more than I thought, especially considering that you have done nothing to fix the underlying problem of lack of respect of me” He will argue and say, “I’ve been trying” but trying to him is talking to me nicely, buying me expensive gifts, occassional flowers, etc. Has anyone on this board left several years after they found out about the affair and gave it a fair shot to work things out? I feel very guilty that I feel like I have “lead him on” when looking back, I probably should have said “good riddance, have a nice life with your psycho skank” (she tried to committ suicide when she thought he wasn’t leaving me fast enough). Thank you for listening.
Dear Jewels,
Sorry it took so long to respond. I really appreciate your comments. As you can imagine my emotions have been on a roller coaster. My Husband has been oh so good and has answered every question I have as honestly as he can. He apologizes often, thinks about my needs and is truly being everything a husband should be to me and a father to the boys. He says he wants to move forward and he feels like all my questions are keeping us from that and from being positive, but he says he does understand that I have to work through this and he is really being kind. I told him that his affair lasted a year and he has lied about it for the last four and he can’t expect me to just move on after a few months, especially in light of the recent texting of old HS GF’s and he says he deserves that. Of course, for him the affair was over long ago and he has had a chance to think about the harm that he has done to our marriage even if I never found out.
As for the women he was sexting from overseas, he said he did stop that after a short time and realized what was at stake when he started thinking about me leaving him because I was not communicating with him much when he was overseas and he thought I just did not care anymore. He was terrified of losing me and his family, which was why he ended the affair long ago anyway.
I am able to talk to him rationally, but things still trigger the tears, anxiety, stomach flipping and even anger. I told him when we got married that if he ever felt that he did not love me or that he loved someone else, I wanted him to tell me and I would let him go. I told him if he cheated, i would walk out the door. My Father was a serial cheater and I got caught up in dealing with it when i was in my early 20′s. I saw how bitter and sad it made my mom and it scarred me to see and deal with the fallout from that. My husband KNEW this and still had an affair.
He looked stricken when I brought this up to him the other day. I don’t think it even occurred to him because he was not thinking about me then, he was thinking about her.
I really don’t think he thought he would ever get caught after he ended the affair even after I found out about the women he texted from overseas since it was years in the past. He says he was planning on coming home and putting his all into our marriage and never telling me, but in a wierd way is relieved that it is all out except that it has devastated me so much.
The funny thing is he got caught because he is terrible at electronic stuff. I told him he was an idiot not to have deleted texts on his phone before coming home AND saving pictures of her and a video of them on a hard drive was plain stupid. He says he had downloaded a bunch of stuff from a stick to a big hard drive and that he didnt know it was there because he could never get it to play, which I believe because I had to reformat to get it to play and because if he knew it was there, he would have hidden the hard drive or deleted it. I would have anyway!
He has given me several reasons why he ended the affair and I told him that it seems the main one that matters was never mentioned FIRST.
That he loved me. PERIOD.
I told him as he mentioned that I felt it was because of the boys and his Mom and how difficult divorce is. He made the comment that he could not live with the thought of having to come over after a divorce to see another man with me and parenting his sons. In relation to HER he has talked of the age gap and how she wanted kids which he could not give her and that they or at least he knew from the outset that he was not going to leave me and the affair was not going to lead to them together. (Not sure I believe that.) SHE was single, 15 years younger and he met her at school where she was a student teacher and he was a resource officer so they saw each other every day. I teach in the same school district, so they had to keep it under tight wraps obviously. He says he did not love her and never told her that. I wanted to know what it was he got from her that I was not giving because he said it was not just sex and throughout the whole affair we were having sex at least 3-4 times per week despite our communication issues. He says he still does not know, maybe just that she talked to him. Hell, when i tried he was staring at the TV screen and then would look at me and say Huh?
Anyway, we are moving along slowely and carefully because I knew and I think he is now realizing that this is going to be a long journey full of ups and downs.
I’ve told him I stayed through all of these lonely years and I am choosing to stay now for one reason. Because despite everything, he is still the love of my life and if there is this much pain in staying, I cannot even imagine how bad leaving would be, but that is still a choice i am leaving open at this point.
I appreciate all of the stories and advice i’ve read on here. It has helped me tremendously to get through each day.
Heidi am so glad you have your friends, you are very fortunate. I have been moved from country to country and finally here so have basically left friends each time. I also lost my closest friend over all this, thanks to him and after 5 years now have just had the courage to tell my parents, also to come onto this site. Know what you mean by the images, I have them still and do not know if I am going to be able to get over them, and every now and again the mind runs amock and I get myself into a total state. Then I calm down and try to continue finding myself and thinking of myself for once, so just stay strong.
Karen, boy is he giving you the run around, seems like he wants the whole deal, selfish. Mine has always been very self centered and everything always has to be about how he feels and how and what he wants. Taken me a very long time to realise this, 27 years , and what is the worst for me is that he told me he was “In love” with her, I still feel like a total fool and so embarassed, and to this day I think he still is in love with her. He talks to me nicely when he phones every 3 days, but that has not changed for the last 6 years even when he was with her, or even when he was on his trips back here, was so very clever at hiding it. Even now it is a subject that is not to be mentioned. Finding myself and what I need for myself has finally become my priority in the last few weeks as I realised that I could not go on feeling like I had been, and only then will I have the strength to move forward. I am scared out of my mind as to how I will find the strength and courage to get where I know I need to be to feel like me again, but am taking the steps slowly but surely, so am thinking of you and hope that this yoyo scene of yours gets sorted out.
Ladygator, don’t know if there is a statue of limitations, I knew the whole time he was having the affair, 4 years in total, just did not want to believe it, and another 2 of total mental hell for me after it all came out in the open, with all the gorey details of things, though I do know that I don’t know everything still and am still trying to come to grips with how he could do this, the tears, panic, are all still there though slowly getting better as I find my inner strength. He has no idea and still has never asked how this has affected me, and even though I have asked him he still to this day will not tell me how he feels about me, life must just go back to normal. Just be true to yourself, that is what I am trying to do now.
Hi everyone,
A little behind in responding to comments, I just wanted to reach out to those that I haven’t yet…
Le5820 - Thanks, I am glad you liked the ebook! As far as your situation, I always have a softer tone towards men that have one night stands and come back and immediately tell their wives. I am starting to try to combine stories from the site together, but not quite there, but I will tell you there are at least 8-10 other women on the site that have similar stories, they are just so spread out and I don’t remember where they are
. But the reason that I have the softer tone is because your husband didn’t lie, he could of easier lied about this and swept it under the rug, as most cheating men do, but he chose to bring it up and accept the consequences, to me, that is what is suppose to happen, not lying and being secretive. With that said, he seems like he is also trying to make things right. In my opinion, the ball is in his court to prove that he is willing to do what it takes to make things right. For you, in therapy you have to work on the impact of his actions and your self-worth. For him, he has to learn how to rebuild trust. If you do not have kids, you have time to really sit down and talk and try to make things right, if you had an amazing relationship before this, it might be worth trying to repair, but like I said, it is up to him to drive it.
Heidi – Your reaction is because he has manipulated you for years telling you that you are cheating and it’s your fault that your subconscious believes it, so you are accepting the blame when really it is all him. Your kids want mommy to be happy above all, so make sure you are making yourself a priority as well, kids are very smart, they can sense when mom is not happy. The other thing I want you to watch out for is your husband thinking that you will not leave because of the kids, that is not a good position because if he things you will never leave, he will take advantage. Take Care.
ladygator – there is no time limit, you can leave whenever you feel like it. At least you stayed and tried, if it isn’t working, it isn’t working. That is one thing that I had to realize during my marriage, my husband had no clue how to make things right, and once I found out that he never will know how to make it right, that was a turning point for me. It’s like he literally did not know how to fix it, and it seems like that is the same way with your husband. Like I said before, at least you stayed and tried, you could of just left as soon as you found out about he affair. My husband said the same thing, I tried and did this and that, but his trying was not even 1/4 of what really needed to be done to repair the marriage, oh well…
Ok so is anyone else dreading tomorrow? I just can’t seem to get excited there no card out there that say Thanks for cheating on me and turning my world upside down but I love u. How am I supposed to get excited if he brings me anything cause last year he sure didn’t give a damn! Just wondering if anyone else felt this way.
Dear Jewels ,
I have been married only 5months but living for 3 years. on saturday I found some textes from a woman that works with my husband & in those textes she called him babe and said she was thinkimg about him and took a picture of some Valentines cookies that she said were for him . Now mind you this is someone who is married herself and has 3 little kids. What makes it harder is that I know them from social gatherings. I feel like such an idiot , as I confronted him , he said I was blowing everythig out of propotion , blah blah , tht they are just friends etc. Like I am stupid , I live in Miami where there is a ton of women , & I know how women are. I am so angry because I guess I just want him to be more apologetic and to reassure me that it was really nothing “as he claims”. I love my husband & I think he loves me , but this has totally been an emotional blow for me & has left my “self esteem at it’s all time low!.
Tina – I’m not sure if we’re allowed to comment to each other but I read your post and I know how you feel. Even though we’re doing well right now I still dread holidays. I read the Valentine cards and they all seemed so fake. Cards I would have bought in the past now seem ridiculous. How can I get a card that says how we’re so in love and talks about all the things I love about him. I didn’t want to get a card but we’re trying to work things out and he wanted to do cards so I agreed. This month is a hard month because not only is it Valentine’s Day but the 12th was his birthday. I made him a cake because of our kids. It felt nice to do something nice for him but at the same time it didn’t feel normal. The 27th is our anniversary. We’ll be married 5 years. I told him I want the day to pass like any other day because how can I be happy about a day that we’re supposed to celebrate our vows and love when he cheated and lied to me? So yes, I dread tomorrow too.
Dear Jewels,
I’ve read a number of the posts on this page tonight and can relate to a lot of them. But perhaps have a bit of a twist on what seems like some common circumstances.
I’ve been with my husband for more than 25 years…married for almost 24. We have two grown kids and we have our first grandchild on the way now. Life should be good. But…
Three or four years ago I wen through something of a mid-life crisis. I was unhappy at home and unhappy at work–for no identifiable reason. I just felt like “Is this it?” I left my job and took a job that required extensive travel. I also sent an email to a man that I had a something of a connection with about ten years earlier. I won’t say I had a full on affair with him…never kissed him or touch him, but talked to him constantly and I will say from my perspective, had some very genuine feelings for him. At that time my own husband traveled a lot and I was home with the kids by myself all the time. I was lonely and needed companionship. That’s my only excuse and it’s not a real good one. It had nothing to do with me not loving my husband.
At any rate, all those many years ago, my husband found out and I ended it instantly. Zero contact. Our marriage got better somewhat…he stopped traveling, I got a life, and we moved on and have had many happy years in the interim. He’s a great guy.
I just tend to be one of those discontent kind of people and in some ways my husband and I are a terrible match, not matter how much I genuinely love him.
So…fast forward to a few years ago. I’m feeling especially discontented, my husband isn’t responding to my needs, so I switch jobs and I hunted this man down from all of those years ago on the internet. There was never a calcuated decision to do this…I was just sitting there one day and he popped into my head and I looked him up. He doesn’t live anywhere near me or anything…it felt harmless.
Only by then I was traveling a lot, and as it turned out could see him if I wanted to. Of course he was married too. (Coincidentally–he was divorced from his first wife that he’d had all those years ago, but had a daughter from her and was remarried now.) We developed a friendly relationship at first, genuinely friendly and nothing more, but over time that turned into something else because that attraction that was there all those years ago was still there. And before I knew it, I was pushing my own husband away and getting closer to this other man.
I’ll tell you now, I loved this other man and in some ways I will love him always. But I also loved my husband and never stopped. I know that is hard to understand for all of you who have been the victims of infidelity and never been there yourselves…but if your husband is telling you that he always loved you and never stopped, he is probably being truthful.
On with the story…
After a couple of years of this (traveling, having a very intense affair with this other man that wasn’t just about sex, but really about love too) and watching my own marriage get worse in the process, my husband had an affair too. With a woman at work. A woman I’ve met before and who several years ago he openly admitted was pursuing him.
There affair was short lived because I came across phone records and discovered it. By the time I discovered it, things with the other man for me had simmered a lot. We realized that despite the connection we had we both loved our spouses and our lives, had commitments, and wanted to get back to those things. We still talked sometimes, but it wasn’t the ‘affair’ thing so much anymore…it was more of the friendship it had actually started out as.
So that was that. I found out, blew up on my husband, because of my own guilty feelings (he still had no idea) I felt obligated to find a way to move on without hammering him too much about what he had done. But damn did it hurt! I bet all of you reading this are thinking “you deserved it”. I think that same thing myself…I deserved it.
He ended the affair which he claimed didn’t involve sex. I tried hard to believe that, but my girl-senses knew he was not telling the truth about that and I was enraged that after being caught he’d continue to lie about it.
It nagged me for a year–a year during which we were both being faithful, working on our marriage, and things were actually getting significantly better.
But the nagging questions I had wouldn’t go away. Iasked him many times to tell me the truth. He always denied it. Then one day I made up a story about having blisters in my privates and that I thought it could be some kind of STD and was it possible that I had caught this from his girlfriend? He said no. But wow he looked like he was lieing. So I asked him again the next week, told him I didn’t care what the answer was because I already believed he slept with her, and what was bothering me was that he was still lying about it.
So he confessed yes they had sex. And what’s worse, he took to heart my instance that knowing truth would free my mind from all the questions and make things even better for us. So he answered every detailed question I had. Every single one of them. The whole time pledging how much he loved me and that it had ended a year ago when I found out about her.
I believe him. I’m a scrupulous investigator and I am 100% confident that nothing is going on now. Plus…how could I be upset when I had done the same thing?
Yet I was and am. I feel crushed and can relate to every post that these women have talked about. I feel like I can never love him again because he loved someone else. Yet I genuinely love him and am actually “in love”
So hypocritical.
Hi there,
We have been married for 8 years now and for the last few years work and other shit has taken over my life, we had no physical relation between us, although we chatted, went on holidays etc. Last weekend i found him cheating on a mutual friend’s wife through facebook messages. He confessed that he liked her physically n enjoyed spending time with her. They have done sex for 5-6 times as well, he had been really honest with me. I was heart broken and cried for hours, i dont know wat got to him but he apologised to me and said that he will give his 100% to fix things. Since then he has deleted his facebook profile and says that he isnt contacting her on text messages as well. I dont know wat to do? i love him..but should i really take his word and forgive him? Im only 29 and he is 30..we have a long way to go to. Please help me.
Andrea- We can most deff comment to each other. Glad I’m not the only one that feels this way. Its really hard to celebrate when u feel so betrayed by someone u vowed to love! Reading all the cards just makes me sick! My anniversary is coming up in march and I pretty much feel like he broke all our vows so what’s the point in celebrating. We are still together but its been rough he can’t seem to figure out why I still don’t trust him he thinks I should be over this by now! God only knows I wish it would just go away too but its just not that simple! Sorry you are going through this as well it breaks my heart to know so many women have to deal with the worst pain ever! Hope u make it through the day and thanks for your comment it really helps.
I think I am going to rename today, Happy Fulfiment day, where every person out there should seek what makes them happy. For us ladies, it is seeking solace in our strength and ability to look our husbands in the eye. Some of us may forgive them, some of us may not, but whatever comes out of the situation we now find ourselves in, I believe that we are all strong and we all know what makes us happy. We may have to dig deep for the courage to take our chosen path, but we can and should seek happiness. There is an advert in the UK at the moment about mental abuse, the tag line is as follows “Are you his princess one minutes and his stupid tart the next?. I strongly believe after analysing my own situation over the past few days that adultery really is the cowards way of addressing relationships issues. A form of mental abuse.
I have made the decision to pick one simple thing each day that will make me smile. Not my kids, not my family, not my friends, not my husband… ME. Cos I think no man can break the spirit of someone who is fulfilled
So ladies, lets be strong and work towards being fulfilled
It is funny that I see all these posts about Valentine’s Day. I know that after being married for 11 years Valentine’s Day lost all its meaning. Especially when I felt like I was married to a stranger after 5 years anyway. Once I found out about the affair 2 months ago, I didn’t want to celebrate any holidays. I am still working on this marraige and he is to. This is awfull, but I feel like he should do something huge for Valentine’s Day, especially in light of all that he has done to destroy me and our marraige. I know that I should know better to expect something like this because I will just be disappointed, but shouldn’t they do big things for us on this day? I will keep you all posted because I am sure that I will just get a card and some chocolates and an I love you, when I am expecting a ticket to Happiness, whatever that is.
I wish I was at the place that Heidi you are at, and then maybe I could find strength in myself and be happy, but I still look to him for that. Probably from years of feeling absolutely worthless to him. I need to find my wings here soon or I think I will go crazy. Good luck to all you ladies out there today.
Rhonda — I understand how you feel. Heidi hit the nail on the head with the happiness comes from within. In talking to my best friend today, we both came the conclusion that my husband truly wasn’t happy with himself and how his life turned out — stressful job, kids not really successful, feels inadequate — despite having a great job — but he feels like he’s not good enough. I think he would go from person to person (his were more emotionally driven – L word, etc.) — to find happiness. An external source of it — and when someone (like me) challenged him on anything that he knew wasn’t good in his life — (he was turning his kids into spoiled brats) — he would run and not discuss it — and so he found someone else who would tell him how great he was. But he knows it’s a farce deep down. He is in therapy to work on him now — hoping that works. But I know how you feel about Valentine’s Day — My d day was last March — I didn’t get him a card or a present — I am cooking dinner and that is it. I told him to expect this last month — I felt betrayed and that this holiday does not hold the same meaning. How do you take your wife to a romantic dinner on Valentines Day last year and then the next night — get a limo to drive her from work to her car, buy her a nice gift and use the L word. I’m at a loss….. Other than they are too wrapped up in themselves. Good luck to you all as well. I hope this gets better by next year — I’m making progress but it’s slow and sometimes I still question if I was right in staying.
@Rhonda
Be careful about wishing he would do something in a huge way. That can be a double edged sword. My husband thought he could fix things by buying me expensive presents, etc. I call it the “Kobe Bryant” response. (Buy her off with the 4 carat diamond – then we’ll just act like all is well). Not only that, when things continue to not improve or efforts are not made to make the marriage better (like my request of him to go to counseling), they tend to use “I don’t see why I need to go. I’ve been trying harder. I’ve been doing/buying nice things” Yet the underlying causes of his disrepectful actions or devaluation of my thoughts and feelings are still there. I understand “I deserve something big and you should be kissing my arse for taking you back” but just be careful. I moved out this weekend, and when I am not at work, I am crying, analyzing, wondering, and crying some more. When I had dinner with him to tell him I had moved out, he still held to “but I’ve done/bought all these things for you. See how hard I’m trying?” Anyway, food for thought (like we don’t already have enough of that rolling around in our heads).
tina – i’m dreading the 27th, i wish it was a weekend because then i’d go somewhere for the day but it’s a monday and he will be working so i’m home with the kids. yes, i feel very betrayed and the cards make me sick as well. not sure when your date is but maybe you can get away for the day and have some time for yourself. my husband luckily (for him) never told me to get over it but he doesn’t really understand why i would want to have a ceremony to renew our vows and have real wedding pics (we got married by a judge) since everything has happened. i’d feel like such a fake if i wore a dress and renewed our vows since everything has happened. it just takes all the joy and purity out of the whole thing. your post has helped me too and i will be thinking about you in march.
I too dreaded this day especially since we always had a romantic dinner at home with candles, cards and little gifts for each other. We are 9 months from D-Day and separated for the past 4 weeks. Although my husband came over for dinner this past Saturday night and we had a great night and the sexual chemistry was sparking between us.
But today began with me going to the gym, seeing him and not going up to talk to him and walking into the coffee place for water and being treated rudely by a group of women that know me. They are friends with the affair partner. So I decided ENOUGH and went up to the older women who knows me best and my husband and asked her why she was so cold. Well I ended up telling her about the affair between her friend and my husband and that I was NOT happy about it at all and that is why I had him leave 4 weeks ago. She was not happy I said anything and she said she had no idea and I gave her too much info. I was matter of fact, no emotion and walked away, now I am shaking. I know she knew as I can read body language really well and I know she went on a recent girls trip with this married other women.
So tonight my husband is coming over again for dinner and he actually left me a card. Granted not full of I love you’s at all but he did say he also enjoyed the other night and he is ready to talk. Still not sure where this is all going and I am just going to listen, even if it hurts. It is still so sad that after 24 1/2 years of marriage and 27 years together we are in this place. He is nervous that I am starting to tell people but that is my choice and it feels
good to no longer pretend nor protect him or her. As we tell our kids, you make a bad choice there are consequences.
Has anyone else started speaking up to mutual friends about their spouse’s affair? Affairs not only hurt the betrayed spouse, it hurts the children, our families and even close and mutual friends.
Hi Andrea & Tina,
I feel exactly the same way about Valentine’s Day. I looked at cards, but could not find one to say how I feel. I just got a funny, impersonal one & one that says “happy heart day, to the man who has mine.” it is true, I still love him but I’m not sure why. Well, we were in walmart last night & he says “oh, I didn’t get you anything fo Valentines day. Do you want me to get you a card?” Well no, not if you have to ask. The. I think ” I bet you got HER something for V-Day during your affair and I got a crappy card then. That started a whole new line of dragging myself down with questions about what he did for her on holidays etc. Trying not to react to these triggers. But he reads me like a book. Very unsettling when I can do the same to him in some things. But obviously did not know him well enough to mistrust his actions back then. I am being true to myself and not making a big deal out of this holiday. I feel like a fool for giving him romantic cards when he was only thinking of her.
Hi everyone, I’m not really sure how I feel today. My husband denies needing counselling and tells me this won’t ever happen again. Like self-control worked before right? He just gave me a gift and insists on cooking me dinner. Yuck… I am just lost here. God, what an ass.
Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow
Jewels: THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR PROVIDING THIS FORUM AND INFORMATION!!! I found out my husband was cheating about 8 months ago. He’s not remorseful, and initially, told me there were 3 women (1 he dated before us). He agreed to stop seeing 2 of them, but told me he wouldn’t stop seeing the prior girlfriend. He informed me he had been seeing her for about 6 mos at the time, and said that because I had some physical issues that made sex too painful and I was awaiting surgery (total knee replacement), he wouldn’t give her up. I was devastated! I had moved away from friends and family to be with him, took a job I didn’t want because it had the benefits we needed, and worked 1pm-midnight (which kept me from making friends) to get another 20% for shift diff. He has even accused me of not making enough money and then told me – at the same time – that my work shift was part of the problem. He blames me for everything! And he has NO remorse. We moved and are living separate, but he’s been good about being around throughout my surgery and comes over 3-4 times/wk. He calls about every day. Today, V-day, he was supposed to come over and we were going to go out to dinner. Needless to say, he didn’t answer the phone or texts and I just got a text about an hour ago from him telling me he went out of town (with her – I’m sure), and he’ll be back Friday. I think the reason he told me that was because earlier in the evening I texted him, “I guess I’m to understand you’ve made a final decision?????” I’ve told him in the past that not answering the phone (he did this same thing New Year’s and I confirmed he was with her). I’ve told him he’ll never have to choose between us again – and told him if he did this very thing – it’s over. Now I need support to follow through! I used to be confident, commanded respect, strong, and self-assured. Now I feel weak, beaten, dependent, and pathetic. I’ve taught him how to disrespect me – I need advice on how to follow through. Also, where’s a good source for support groups for spouses of cheaters? We’re not legally separated (I still carry his insurance for him), and nothing has been filed for separation or divorce.
hi jewels – when i first found out i told a couple of my closest gf’s and i know they told their husbands who are friends with mine. it made things awkward for him but i didn’t care because i needed people to talk to. i hadn’t planned on telling family unless we were going to get a divorce but i wound up telling my mom one night over the phone after i took some sleeping pills. i must have called her when i was kind of loopy. my whole family knows but we don’t talk about it because we don’t have that kind of relationship and it makes me feel uncomfortable. his family found out because when we were home visiting over the holidays we were splitting time with the kids and each side of the family like we were divorced because i don’t like his family and his mom and sister asked him why i wasn’t spending anytime with them and he told them. i had told him before the trip that i didn’t want to go because i didn’t see why i had to put on a smile if i didn’t feel like it to protect his secret, i guess he realized i was right and that it wasn’t fair to me. i was really surprised he told them. i feel like whenever his or my family asks “so how are you” there is always another question being asked. since we moved to virginia almost 2 months ago we haven’t had family visit yet but i’m dreading it because i feel like every move i or he or we make is going to be analyzed and read into as to how we are doing. i hate that my family knows because i know they worry about me now which is something i never wanted for them. his mom cried when she found out and i’m sure mine did too. the kids don’t know because they were so young (3 1/2 and 1) but for weeks after i found out my daughter always asked me why i was crying and if i wasn’t crying she’s ask me if i was sad. I’m tearing up as i type this because it still breaks my heart that she saw me like that. i totally agree with you that infidelity hurts everyone not just the spouse. it’s such a selfish thing that i will never understand.
whoops, realized i mistyped. i meant to write to “jules” and not “jewels” lol.
Im writing to see if im in the wrong, my husbsnd cheared on me w a coworker. He had a few month sexual relationship and who knows how long emotional. In nut shell, situation was very ugly, but now the past 6 mos he is “trying” in his eyes to make it up and he hasnt been w her for a year yet im sure the emotional portion is still there. My question is, as we have 2boys 4 and 23mos, i have tried to work on it for marriage and boys sake, but im over it. Im numb to him i could careless i guess now and really i dont trust him. He still works w her tho schedules are flipped now (they are deputies) and if thsts the only reason caUse of off schedules what wouldnt stop him later? We have been married 12 together 18, but now im over it. Im tired and not happy anymore. i know our boys adore him, but whats best, stay and pretend to be happy to cover for his mistake or stay and sincerely try? I feel like roomate status most times, and im only 33, do i deserve to feel like this for rest of my life?
I found this site a month ago and I want to thank Jewels for her support and words of wisdom to all of us here that are suffering. I appreciate the stories you have shared with me so I wanted to tell you mine. My husband of 31 years cheated on me 6 months ago. He was at a volunteer function when he was approached by a woman who after talking with him for a while said he seemed like a nice guy and offered him a sex for money arrangement. She told him she was not looking for an emotional relationship but a sugar daddy and she wanted to be his mistress. We are retired and comfortable but not wealthy! She gave him her number and after 2 weeks of thinking about it and talking with her on the phone my husband took her up on her offer. He was with her for a second time a week later when I needed to get a hold of him and called his cell. He finally returned my call 30 minutes later and I asked him where he was that he was calling me back long distance when he told me he was going to poker game nearby. He lied and told me he was at his friends place. I hung up on him and when he came home he confessed that he was with another woman. I was in total shock! We have been together for 36 years, have two grown kids and a grandchild. How stupid of him to jeopardize everything we have worked so hard for all these years so he can get his ego stroked. I am so angry and hurt. He is full of remorse and shame. He said he was he was never looking for an affair but he was so flattered that another woman wanted him and he justified his actions in his head so he could get his selfish wants met. He has done all the right things on his own. He ended his relationship with her the next day, going to therapy, tested for STD’s and being very patient with me answering all my questions over and over again. He reads the books and online articles and is communicating his feelings, something he has never done before. I know I should be happy that he has done all these things but somedays I feel that this just isn’t enough. My father was a serial cheater so I know the devastation that this causes a family. My husband knew my background very well and yet he still cheated. I love my husband with all my heart but sometimes I don’t know if I can live the rest of my life with this man who put himself first and hurt me so bad. Somedays I don’t know why he even wants to save this marriage now that he is living with an insane wife. That’s what infidelity does in marriage. It makes you suspicious, paranoid and you question everything. This is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with but I think that we are on the right track for rebuilding our relationship. We both need to make changes in order for us to save our marriage. After being together as long as we were, we became complacent and took our marriage for granted. That said, there is never justification for a spouse to cheat. There are good days when we are closer than we ever were and bad ones when those damn triggers hit and I can’t get the pictures and thoughts out of my head. I don’t want to give up on us. We do love each other and have so much history together. Our old marriage was good but it is gone and I mourn that. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive and forget, I just need to accept that it happened and try to move forward. But if we can work this out and build a stronger foundation perhaps we will have a better marriage than the one before. I really don’t know what the future hold for us. The cut is still deep and we need love, patience and time for the wound to heal but I know that the scar will always be there.
Everytime I come back to check this discussion page I am always so sad for all of us out there that this has happened to. It is the most painfull thing that a woman can go through. I am glad that we have this place to put our thought and feelings down, I think that helps our process. With the mothers that wrote about the children, you hit it just right. I am torn apart that my kids see me cry about this all the time or ask me why I am so unhappy. My oldest is 8 and he has begun to act out in negative ways because I know he has an idea of what happened. I feel awfull about that, do you think my husband does? I feel like everyone that he knows should find about what he did because he can live life day to day without any consequences of what happened. Me, I have to face people everywhere wondering if they can tell that I am a marked woman. That I am a person that is so pathetic that this happened to me. It’s just plain sad and wrong. D-Day was 2 1/2 months ago and I still can’t get any of the bad thoughts out of my head. Our routine has begun to go back to normal, but there is no normal for me now. I can never trust him again and if the littlest things happens like him not answering the phone, or sending me an e-mail, or being in a bad mood, it causes me to go straight back to that place of where we were when I found all this out. This whole situation stinks for any woman and I wish there was a magic pill you could take to see what the future holds. If I stay will things get better, will he hold up his end of the bargain this time? If I go can I make it without him, can I take care of my four little ones on my own? Even if there is no magic pill I still wonder on a daily basis if I can ever survive this one thing that my husband chose to do to me…….It’s terrible that the person you place the most value in is the person that valued you the least. Thanks for listening all..
Rhonda, I have those feelings as well. Take a deep breath, stand up straight, and remember that you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of . He is the one who should feel shame. Be proud that you can honour your commitments and be the strong woman you know you can be.
Have a conversation with your husband about how this is impacting your children. Don’t carry this responsibility solely on your shoulders. Take care of yourself.
Well I made it through yesterday! My husband had flowers delivered to me but it was really hard to get excited and for some reason all I did was cry today like as if I just found out yesterday not sure why. My children also have seen me cry and very sad one day I was just watching tv and started to cry my 9yr old son came over to me and said mommy it will be ok why don’t u just divorce him at that moment I realized omg my son is seeing this and he’s way smarter than me. I tried so hard to protect them but it was almost impossible not to show any emotion in front of them. One day I love my husband and the next I hate him can’t stand to look at him. Is that normal? Anyway just had an emotional day wanted to share some thoughts. Does anyone know of a good book that could maybe help me through this painful journey? Thanks for listening
Hello everyone,
So much to say, tried to at least reach some of the new ladies:
Blondy – Very interesting story indeed. One thing that your story really confirmed for me is the concept that the ‘cheater’ has no idea how painful it is to be cheated on. You yourself cheated, and probably did not think or could not even conceive at the time how painful it was, and now that the tables are turned you are like OMG – this shit hurts!!
Another thing that your story made me think of is when a person takes someone back after they cheated, does that secretly make the person that did not cheat feel like if they ever got in a situation where they did, that the other person would not leave because they stayed and endured the pain, so it’s like ‘now it’s your turn’. I always wonder that in the back of my mind.
Because of your history of cheating I wonder if your husband feels this way. I actually wonder if he shared those details with you because in a way he was harboring resentful feelings that he never brought to the surface, so now that he has a change, he sort of went all the way, sharing details as sort of a way to release that hurt that he felt when you cheating in the the past.
It is late into the night so I might be writing crazy here I am just thinking about the different ways to look at your story. Interesting, thanks for sharing.
Sana from England – Him deleting his fb profile is a good step and a good sign (just make sure he doesn’t sign up under a different name). It has been a week, way to early to think about forgiveness, and should you stay or leave, emotions are too high right now. Just want and observe his behavior, see what he is up to as far as trying to make things work out. Your emotions will calm down a bit and be more rational, and at that point, you can revisit the conversation about forgiveness. Plus you will have more data as to see if he is serious about making things work…take care!
Heidi – Loved your valentine’s day message
Lady Gator – I started laughing when I say ‘the Kobe Bryant response’, too funny. But the wisdom you had in your comment was on point and valuable, thanks for sharing.
MsThang – You are so welcome! I know you are in a position where you are mentally leaving but haven’t done it yet – that is great. I was once where you are right now. Mentally decided, but took me months before I actually left. I will tell you based off your story, he doesn’t have much to offer you, a part time husband being split with someone else, disrespect, and blame for everything. So every time you think ‘well, is this the right thing?’, just think about your husband, and know that you are moving toward treating yourself 100% of the time versus part time with someone else, no blame, a positive environment, and respect for yourself. My husband was similar, he was still seeing her and everything was my fault, money problems. So when I was leaving, I kept thinking about what I was leaving, and every time I thought about all the blame, the disrespect, it make it easier and easier to leave everyday. As far as support groups, I know they are out there, but I can’t think of any at the moment. Hang tight with this site, by June, I plan to share with women resources/sites from all over to help their journey through this – at least that is the plan
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Kelli – I will tell you in my situation, I was at a crossroads just like you, I tried to hang in there for the kids, but I was getting more miserable each day and ‘over’ the concept of staying for the kids because you know what ended up happening. I was so angry that I felt trapped that I would be upset all the time, arguing in front of the kids, crying in front of the kids, I couldn’t hold it together. And at the end of the day, your kids want nothing more in the world than to see you happy, seriously. And in seeing you happy, you teach them how to do the same. So I left and haven’t looked back. I am much much happier and I am stressed sometimes, but they get to see the mom that I envisioned being, versus crazy high strung mom. That is just how my thought process went when I was were you were. Take Care.
Mary – I truly think that you and your husband can work. Men that actually confess versus us finding out are always a little higher in my book, I know they still cheating, but at least they felt bad enough to tell you, versus most men feel justified ‘well if you weren’t x, y, z, I wouldn’t of cheated.” He is doing things right but you also have to understand that you are not going to heal overnight, it takes time and you and your husband have to understand that in order for this to work. So 3 months from now, when you see a trigger and cry, know that it is ok and normal. You are right, marriage will never be the same, but you and him have an opportunity to discover things about each other that you never have before. I think you are about 6 months post affair, that’s early. Most couples that really stay together and are happy work at it hard for at least 1-2 years. But the ones that do work it out (and both people have to be willing), end up discovering a good thing. I know it’s hard, but try to hang in there. And if something in your heart is telling you this just isn’t going to work, that is ok as well. Trust your intuition. Best of luck to you.
Rhonda/Tina – Kids seeing you cry – I have been there, I never would have thought I would be the parent crying in front of my kids, but I did, I couldn’t help it, I just couldn’t. This situation is very emotional, you are human. I hated when it happened because they are kids, they don’t know they just want you to be happy. Many times if you are upset are things are not right with the family, they blame themselves, not telling you this to make you cry, telling you so that you can be empowered with that information and use it to have a discussion with your husband or your child about it. I ask my child all the time, why does mommy live here? Because mommy make the choice to do so, I want to get out of her head that it had anything to do with her and I ask her to make sure she knows that. Hugs…….
Mary and Tina
Mary, your after the affair story sounds almost exactly like mine. You have been married longer, but everything you said about him trying and you trying was as if I had written it myself. Wierd how alike we can be through the midst of this situation, especially when you feel like this doesn’t happen to other people because you are so ashamed it happened to you. Tina you sound exactly like me. Doesn’t matter what I am doing, something dumb can be said on the radio and I am back into outerspace mode and crying all the time. My son asked me the other day why I was crying and unhappy all the time lately. I thought the same thing. Boy this kids is smart and I must be a moron for staying with his father. I know I question myself and him everyday and that is what makes me feel like a nutball. Maybe at the end of all this I will have a better sense of myself that I lost when I got married and had kids. Thanks for this site, it is amazing to talk with others that are going through the same thing.
Jules from USA
Hi there.. i normally post under the other thread ” be prepared for the hardest..” and don’t often read this page when in fact I suppose the two threads should really be one.. as our husbands cheated and we stayed and it is the most difficult predicament to face in your marriage! I just read about you telling people and you asked if others had… I only told two people, one work colleague and my closest friend – in this country.. who is close but by no means a best friend – she is in the country I left 10 years ago.. however.. i regret telling this friend as she is not very lets say emotional and so any time we make a bit of progress and I mention it i feel she is belittling me as she knows what kind of person I am and i shocked that I decided to stay and not throw him out. I guess we all think we know what we would do until the situation becomes our own reality and then there is no reasoning! I don’t talk about anything to her now.. even when I have a melt down.. I tell no-one. Unfortunately my daughter found out not long after I did.. she tried not to tell me she knew but then she saw how sad I was every day and just text me to let me know. i was devastated that she found out.. she read a letter i sent him on his FB when he had left it open…i was mad she even looked at it but what is done is done. I try and keep all meltdowns away from her but unfortunately she has witnessed one or two – from afar – mainly via text when she is trying to comfort me – and it is awful. i hate that she knows! She is cordial to him as I asked her to be for my sake but there is a divide and i doubt it will never mend. My son does not know and i told her to please under no circumstances let him find out as the husband and he have some same interests and spend quite a bit of time together. Our family has never been a close family – as in loving- but we always do things together – go out on drives – outings – walks etc… so it is good that way as i see friends families who do nothing together.!! I know if my son found out he would destroyed as he loves me to bits and would side with me.. even though he wouldn’t want to take sides! I would never want his relationship between himself and his dad to be destroyed! Even if we end our relationship I will try keep it from my son what the real reason was! As for my work colleague, I asked her not to tell anyone and even though she said she didn’t – I sometimes doubt it but will never know. I guess i keep looking at people and wonder do they know. I asked her not to as sometimes my husbands does work at my hotel and I can’t have it affect our financial side of things.. this is why I asked her to please not tell.. I regret telling her too but I had to as the day I made my discovery I had just come back from the USA. I had not sleep for 2 days and was due in work the following day after the discovery.. i couldn’t take the time off as we were short staffed so I had to hold back my tears and go in like nothing had happened. To say I was a wreck in an understatement but I had no choice. I ended up in hospital 2 nights later with panic attacks and had to take the day off but of course work just thought it was a stomach problem! I feel I can’t tell my family as they idolise him and my mom is in her mid 89′s and would devastate her.. i couldn’t do that. Then the fact that we are trying.. if I knew that they knew and saw us at happy times I would always think they were sniggering. I guess it would be good if people knew yet at the same time I don’t want the pity vote! It’s just my personal view. It would be great to have someone to talk to… i do miss that! I can understand why you told that woman coz believe me a hundred times I have wanted to tell others.. i just wish i could and say to hell with the consequences!!!!!!!!!!! Go YOU! And bugger what your husband says about it – he has no say in the matter!!!!!!
Michelle from Oz – wow -how do you keep it calm!!?? The expletives that have come out of my mouth could start a whole new dictionary!!!!! I guess as I just said we all have our opinions until we are in that position! If I could send you strength I would.. how awful for him to say to you he thinks he loves the other woman!!!!!! OMG – men are just such bloody dickheads! As i said to Ella… I picture the flintstones with the Club in hand… and I wish it was me beating the crap out of him!!!!!!! arghhhhhhh!!!!!
Lisa P
As said I tend to be on the other thread so I missed all the part about your MIL – sorry! You are 100% right in standing by what she asked – it was her wishes – who are they to change that?? Yes.. I am married to a Catholic and by god they are the biggest hypocrites ever! Mt MIL – Outlaw more like it or wicked witch as I call her.. goes to church 3 times a day – calls our children bastards as we weren’t married in a catholic church – even though I only had them 2 years after we were married… wouldn’t speak to them on the phone when she did actually decided to call on the very odd occasion – probably once a year – and would say can’t waste money talking to them…. and yet she calls herself a good catholic! ha ha yea right! I live in this country full of catholic churches and catholic beliefs when it suits them!!! You had every right to stand up for her!!!!
Right ho.. off to work now.. onwards and upwards and maybe tonight i shall start carving on that club just to have it ready to hand for the day I do loose all sanity!!!!! he he
Hi Ladies, I am so glad that I found this forum. It helps me a lot with my problem reading about different stories. In january I have found out that my husband sent flowers to a woman. When I first suspected that something is not right about him sending me flowers I looked at our bank account and found that there were two flowers sent. He denied sending flowers to anyone he said that the flower was for me but the flower company made a mistake. When a few days later I asked he he sorted it out he lied again and I said its time to tell me the truth. He said it was to a woman who he spoke on the phone and she helped him deal with a very hard time he was going through, I said its not a problem but who is she? He said he made a promise to her that he wont reveal her name because she doesnt want to get involved. Well my question is how did he know her address?
I dont know what to do he says there was nothing physycal and if I think so then he will move out. When I asked him if he wants to divorce or separate he said not at the moment but he doesnt know.
What should I do? How can I trust him?
Hello Ladies, I just found this website! My husband had an affair with a woman about 10 years younger than himself for about one month before I blew the whistle. That was four years ago this April and we are still married and yes, I am still struggling with my “trigger” but we are happy and he is a support to me in those times. BUT it was not always like that…if you are committed to staying in the relationship, you need to set up boundaries for yourself….he has to drop all contact with the OW, completely and even communicate to her, in a way you are comfortable, that he can no longer see her or receive emails. text, phone calls ect from her. My husband was unable to do this until almost one year after the affair ended but did not communicate to her at all in the meantime. The hardest thing for me is that he showed so little remorse, until about 2 years after the affair ended. I look back on it now and think it was because he could not deal with what he had done, and so he had to emotionally distance himself from it, therefore not feeling anything. He is so much better now and we have moved on in our lives…our marriage will never be like before, I had to mourn that as I was very happy then, but it is much healthier and stronger now. Be encouraged ladies, this will get better…no matter what you do…stay or leave….but remember to take care of your heart, it is already broken, be wise in making your choices about what to do and if you aren’t sure, take some space from him until you do know. Don’t make any rash choices due to your emotions. I hope this helps!
so i decided to stay and work things out and even though it made things easier it is by no means easy. the last few days have been hell. i’ve been crying all night and i now during the day. i can usually switch gears while my kids are awake but these last few days i can’t. i think the gravity of his betrayal has really sunk in (i thought it did before) but i guess not. the pain is just unbearable. i want to crawl into a hole somewhere and just go to sleep and have the world disappear. i feel like a mental patient because i feel like my grip on reality is slowly slipping away. i’m questioning my decision about staying. i’m hoping this is just a phase like it usually is and am waiting for it to pass. for whatever reason this one is really fierce. i feel so alone and am so angry at everything and everyone. i’ve been brushing my kids off on my husband and it kills me when i turn them away. i just can’t let her see me cry again like she did over the summer..
Hi ladies am back and need some advise. From previous posts you know that my husband’s affair of 4 years (still not sure it is actually over) came out in the open 18 months ago. He only comes back here every couple of months for 10 days at a time and last week arrived for his visit, only to have to go back today as there is a political issue needing his urgent attention where he works. Blow me down when I downloaded my emails there was a request from the OW to befriend me on facebook.
Suggestions please, do I accept, and sit back and see what happens and see what else I find out, is this the universes way of telling me that there is more I need to know. She has never tried to contact me in any way this is a first, and I was totally floored and could not stop shaking. I know that I don’t know everything and it is a topic that is not allowed to be discussed, as far as he is concerned it must be forgotten. Am not sure quite what to do about this.
To Andrea,
You are not alone in feeling like a mental patient. I feel the same way as you do and no matter whether it is 2 weeks or 2 months I still find myself feeling like I am crazy with all of my thoughts. There are times I cannot get through a day and I am so tired of my thoughts randomly going to this situation at all times. I just wish that I could get the whole thing out of my head and leave it, but it happened and I know that we will eventually find strength. I don’t know where it will come from as I am not there yet, so hang in there because you are not alone and you are not crazy. I love this site because here is the only place that other woman actually understand what I am going through and are not judging me for staying and being crazy in the meantime. Thanks to all.
To Michelle
My advice to you is to go with your gut. I made the choice to contact the OW because I had to know all the facts and to see what she had to say, who she was, and what she was like. If you are scared to contact her because you are afraid of the truths or things she will say that might change your mind then don’t do it. I know alot of people say that you shouldn’t know all the facts because it just makes things worse, but I think that not knowing is the worst part of all. There is a reason she friended you, but only you can decide if you really want to know why.
Dear Rhonda, thank you so much for your thoughts, my gut is telling me to know everything so that I can protect myself, more afraid of all the feelings as I have been to the very bottom and am just slowly crawling out, think it is time though and think I do have the strength thanks to being able to finally have this site to talk with you all as I have kept everthing to myself for all these years. Definitely agree tht there is a reason she has friended me. Hope you find some peace of mind, I still can’t, those though just wizz around and it takes time to control and think of other things when they come around, but oh boy it is hard, it is so good to know that the crazy thoughts are something we are not judged for here. Thank you for the support and thoughts.
Michelle,
My advice would be not to friend her. It is only going to mean more heartache for you. Knowing details is not going to protect you, it will only serve to torment you with things that will hurt you. I also think that by friending her, you will be giving her the upper hand. I think the OW only contact the wife because they are mad at the man and are trying to force him to make a choice one way or another or to hurt you as the wife. If you decline her request, you are showing her that she is not worth your time. I don’t know everything about my H’s affair and I don’t want to know. I know very little about the OW. What I do know is that she was furious when my H cut ties with her and that’s when she called me. When I also ignored her and changed all our numbers, I heard she was out of control angry. Luckily, she lives in a different city and does not know where we live. So, my advice is not to friend her – don’t give her the power to hurt you any more than you have already been hurt.
Today is a really bad day. I don’t even know why, but I cannot stop getting crazy terrible thoughts out of my head. Today is one of those days where I just don’t even want to see him or even go home to my house. I know it is worse for me today because I don’t have the kids here at work with me and they are not around to snap me out of my moments where I space out. I just can’t get over the blatent disrespect. I mean lets move past for a moment that a human being could ever conciensously hurt someone like this, but the blatent fact that as a human that you are that disrespected is bugging me today. The fact that I meant that little to you that you think you could do this to me. The fact that I was replaceable to you. All of these things keep bouncing in my head and I am questioning whether I even want to stay here and fight for this marriage. I know he is trying now, but what about in 6 months when he feels safe and comfy again, will this happen again. I am scared every day of my life and I want to know when will I ever get myself back? I don’t want to feel crazy like this anymore, I don’t want to hurt anymore, when will this stop?????????
Michelle- I too have had contact with the OW she would call me every time my H would make her mad and tell me things so I would leave. Her friending you is her way of hurting you more don’t fall for it! If she was any kind of women she would be showing some sort of remorse but don’t hold your breath! I’ve come to realize that the OW does not care how we feel and they thrive on hurting us as if we haven’t been hurt enough. I will say I do look at the OW facebook from time to time and I can tell u it just makes me angry. Do what u think is right but don’t let her have the upper hand. I wrote the OW a message telling her exactly what I thought of her just for my sanity then I blocked her so she could not respond because I could care less what she thinks! Hang in there honey this is not an easy road but we can do this! Rhonda- sorry u are have such a bad day I still have quite a few of those and I wonder myself is this pain ever going to stop. Every time I get in my car I stay crying not sure why but that seems like when I break down the most my therapist tells me I need to replace those thoughts with positive but its really hard I’m still working on it. I stay angry all the time and that is not me! This has changed me as a person and I still question my decision to stay. Some days I hate him its hard to look at someone every day that has hurt you so bad. I think its ok for us to feel like were going crazy its part of our healing let it all out! Hope your day gets better try to stay strong we’ve come this far!
I totally agree with Tina! Don’t befriend her. If she wants to speak to you do it on your terms…just think, you might be able to see her status ect but she can see yours too! I had contact with the OW and it was a disaster!
Michelle–I agree with the other ladies and would not befriend her. She is ot worth your time and why bring yourself to her level. It can not help you in anyway in the long run. Also if she really cares how you feel she never would have let the affair happened in the first place.
Rhonda–so sorry you are having a bad day. Can feel for you. Do know that things will get better. Stay strong and only set small goals for yourself. Just getting out of bed is one, and the next could be not crying or thinking about things for one hour. Do something special for yourself.
It has been a while since I have written but I am reading everyone’s post and praying for all of you. I am so sorry we have to meet like this, but grateful at the same time that we have each other to lean on.
Reading everyone’s post also makes me sad to think that while everyone else is working on things, I am making plans to leave. I have tried to work on things for the last 6 months without the direct help of the man who caused all this my H. He has not gone for counseling, refuses and I know that he is secretly having contact with the OW. I have tried to throw him out a few times in the last few months, but he refuses to leave. The other times when he did leave he only stayed with her at the most 10 days. She lives in another state. It is so hard to leave with someone who is still emotionally distant and is fighting depression. So last weekend I went and found an apartment to move into and am now in the process of making this happen. Very scary, also need to let him know soon that I am making this move. Not sure what is going to happen, but ready to face the world with my head held up high and to get out of this triangle that he has created.
Ladies remember that no matter what happens we will be ok, and we have nothing to be ashamed of.
@ Karen
Reading your post was almost like a deja vu of what I just did. After repeated requests to get himself into counseling (in which he *said* he would, but never did), as well as other continued behavior which simply reinforced there was no change on a fundamental level, I decided to move out. My New World Order began on Feb. 11. I laid all my plans, put certain valuables into a safety deposit box, got a small self storage unit, and moved out certain things that I didn’t think he would notice. On “the big day” I got my brother to come over and move a TV, a few pieces of furniture and boxes (I recently had major shoulder surgery and have lifting restrictions) and most importantly, my kitty. I called him an hour before he got off work and said “Why don’t you meet me for dinner” which he did, and I broke the news. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But necessary. He just thought that all he needed to do was what I categorize as superficial nice things. However, his dismissiveness of my feelings had continued, and was making major financial decisions without including me and then consciously keeping it from me. I had been toying with the idea of moving out for several months. My fear of his pain, my pain, etc. paralyzed me. Then one day, I heard Neal Boortz, a talk show host state “Wallow in too much sensitivity and you can’t deal with life or the truth.” I decided to quit wallowing. I had told him at one point that I would give our marriage more time if he got into counseling. Actions (or in this case, inaction) have consquences and it was time to call him on it. Although on some level he wasn’t suprised (in the sense that he knew our marriage was on th rocks), but on another level, he looked like the school yard bully who just got punched in the nose. I don’t think he thought I had the stones to actually do it. I got the usual “I’ve been trying harder, I don’t see what benefit counseling will have for me, yada yada yada.” I had to draw him an analogy that he would understand. “Pretend you have a car. You have been told you have bad brakes. You know you have bad breaks. You are headed for a cliff and can’t stop because you have no brakes. But rather than fix the brakes, you wash and wax the car. Looks great on the outside, but mechanically still headed for disaster. You need to have your emotional and mental brakes fixed.”
I know this is a thread for staying after affairs. Although his affairs happened a few years ago, I find myself still suffering the effects from them. And simply put, affairs are a manifestation of disrespect, just on the most hurtful level. Although I am pretty sure he hasn’t had any subsequent affairs, he continued other secretive types of behavior that simply erroded my trust, in additional to his verbal abuse. I think trust is like being pregnant. Either you have it or you don’t. I don’t trust him. I constantly found myself looking through his phone, mail, filing cabinet, closets, etc., but now not just for women, but financial matters, porn addiction, and who knows what else was. I wanted to know, but yet lived in fear of what I’d find. And I was a former investigator for a law enforcement agency so believe me, I was quite good at digging.
Although moving out was scary, and telling him was difficult, having time for myself at my own place has provided me so much peace to think and sort things out. I am reading a book called “Necessary Endings” by Dr. Henry Cloud. Although I am not done reading it yet, based on what I have read so far, I would recommend it. It discusses various types of necessary endings that we face in life — personal, business, friendships. I am facing all three at the same time right now. And “endings” doesn’t necessarily mean the ending of the relationship, but can mean the ending of destructive behavior, although that sometimes requires the ending of the relationship to stop the toxicity in our lives.
Anyway, to Karen, and anyone else moving out, or considering it, I understand what you are going through. It isn’t easy, but I would say it has been a major step in my healing, whether or not I make this permanent or not. On an interesting side note, I went over to my home to get a few more things while he was at work and saw the name of a woman written on a piece of paper. Of course, my first reaction was a new OW, but when I researched it, I found out it was a counselor, but the point is, that my first reaction was suspicion.
Wishing you all peace and clarity…….
Ladies thank you all so much for your comments they have been so very helpful and made me feel a lot better. I spent the day shaking and got myself into a complete panic. Just seeing her name sends me into all those thoughts and emotions that I am trying so hard to put behind me.
Rhonda hope you are feeling better today, I am also scared, the utter panic comes and goes, but am getting better at controlling it. I know where I need and want to be, but have no idea how to get there, so just take one day at a time and build my strength.
Tina you are not wrong, this does change us, I know I am a different person, the way I look at the world has completely changed. My daughter who is 25 said to me over the weekend that she wanted her mum back, the person who could light up a room and make a persons day with a kind word and smile. I know I have lost me, but have never actually got angry which is probably strange. Am now about finding me again and knowing that I need to find me. Hope your day has got better.
Hope thank you aswell.
Karen thank you, you are amazing, you are going to be okay and look what you have done for yourself, and only for yourself. Keep holding your head up and know I am thinking of you and the inner strength it must have taken to do what you have done.
I was going to tell you about the affair. Decided not to. The reason I’m here is that even though he came clean, repented, stopped anything to do with her, I can not get past it.
I know in my heart I have forgiven him but I live in constant fear. He was very sneaky, used emails I didn’t know about, used IM’s I couldn’t get histories for, had the number ID as his friends (it was his friend’s wife) and bought a pre-paid phone when I had found out about the 700+ text and calls to her in a week. All of that time he looked me right in the eye and lied to me with absolutely no effort. He then tried to make me think I was crazy.
Problem now is that even if he is totally faithful now I still live with the what if’s. There are no words to describe what his affair has done to me. The closest I can come to explaining it is hell. Well, he took the blame, said he was totally responsible. He held me when I’d cry (funny but I did the worse of the breakdowns alone, only once, when he told me, did I really lose it in front of him and never, not once have I yelled or called him names..not since I found out). Now it’s been a year. I do better but still have some sore spots.
I asked him the other day why he loves me now but didn’t then. What’s so different (other than the fact that I do everything he wants) and he said I was a nice person now and I was mean to him before. Now, let me say, there is some truth to that, but let me also say that for 20 years he was the most hateful, selfish, neglectful, negative man you could ever meet. One counselor from years ago said he was the most narcissistic person he had seen in 30 years of practice. He also had 2 instances of being caught having phone sex with women he had met on line over the course of eight years before his affair had happened. So yeah, I could be a little mean sometimes, I have limits and he walked all over them.
Here’s the problem. What I “heard” the other day was “Why can’t you just move on and get over it already. It’s been a year for crying out loud. Besides, I love you now because you aren’t mean to me and that is what made me have the affair. It was your fault be since you aren’t mean and do everything I want other than wipe my butt for me I’m happy and won’t have another affair”. I’ve had a really hard time with self esteem the last year. I’m heavy and she’s really skinny. I’ve rather plain and she’s pretty. But what he did the other day was worse that thinking I can’t measure up physically. He took a hit at who I am.
I’m glad he’s happy, who wouldn’t be. But the only thing I’ve gotten was his not cheating. I feel like he doesn’t think I’m worth the effort. I feel like he settled for me because he found out what she was really like. I feel like he wouldn’t be here if she hadn’t made the mistake of focusing on the money she didn’t want him to give me in a divorce.
I don’t know if he really loves me or is settling until something better comes along.
I’m miserable. Truly and utterly miserable. ;o(
rhonda – thank you for your validation. even though he listens to me without saying anything i still don’t think he really gets it. here i know all you ladies do. i too love this site because i can say what’s on my mind and know that i’m understood.
wishicouldbenormal-i totally understand the “what ifs” it totally sucks because you wonder if you’re wasting your time and your life on a man who is going to hurt you again and unfortunately the only way to know is through time. and i totally understand the feel ins of “what’s different now than before” my husband told me once after i was done crying that he believes in us and it got me so mad because even though i knew what he meant all i could think of was so now you believe in us because i’m sticking by you but before you didn’t. what makes now so different? it took cheating for you to realize what you had? i know you won’t believe me but it doesn’t matter what you look like. women of all ages looks and personalities get cheated on. i really believe that if a man is going to cheat he is going to cheat and it doesn’t matter what we look like or how nice we are or aren’t. it takes a certain amount of selfishness to cheat which has nothing to do with you. as for what you said about the whole nice thing, even though there might be responsibility to be had for your actions it still doesn’t excuse the fact that he went outside the marriage. he could have come to you and talked about things if he was that unhappy but he didn’t. he chose to cheat. i hope you find ways to get your self esteem back because i’m sure you’re an amazing woman. maybe if you find a way to feel better about yourself maybe you will be able to know if you’re settling for him! don’t give him all the power of choice because you deserve to be happy – we only live once, right?
Karen and LadyGator,
I am truelly envious of how strong and brave the two of you turned out to be after all of this. I only hope that I will eventually be able to find the strenth to figure out who I am again and what I really want and what is true or not or just finding the peace that you two found. It’s very encouraging to know that maybe someday I could be where you two are.
I wish I could be normal
Perfect screen name by the way. I feel the exact same way you do and my husband told me the same thing. He took all the blame and said how sorry he was, but in the same sentence said he felt lonely and felt like I was being mean and judgemental all the time. He must have forgotten that he always had another woman from the time after I had my first child 8 years ago. He always said they were just friends that he needed to talk to, BS, and after 4 kids and 8 years it finally came down to the went he went a little to far with that was a complete secret and I found out by accident. I said the same thing to him, why do you love me now that I found out? Why didn’t you love me while you were doing all this to me . He said he always did love me, just was lost…..what a crock of crap. Anyway, I thank you all for your thoughts, it really means alot. I don’t know why this week has been so hard and just won’t stop. Maybe it is a sign to me that I am not doing the right thing by staying. It’s just with the 4 kids at 8, 6, 4, 3 I don’t think I could go anywhere to get away from this right now. A part of me really wants the space to not look at him everyday and to find myself, but I would be so embarrassed to explain to my family and friends what I am doing. This also rings in my head. When I first found out that he had secretly met this woman several times and there was physical contact involved, this was after he lied to me about that truth, I asked him to leave. He told me that if he left he didn’t think that he would come back. Boy, that is really love for you, after I heard that, all I could think about was my kids and how they would probably never see their father again. You know, it’s not like he just did this to me, he chose these realtionships with the OW’s over quality time with me and my kids. I wish their was a magic pill that could help me see the future and tell me what is right for me to do. I am so lost. I wish I could afford a counselor, but do they really help? Any advice on counseling?
Anrea
I just read your post and what powerfull words. It sounds like you are in a good spot today. Isn’t it funny how some days we sound like strong independant women and then the next day we sound like raving dependant maniacs. I mean it’s not funny, it’s really sad, but true.
I thank everyone for their time here. This is the only thing keeping me feeling a little sane right now. I can’t tell my friends because I don’t want to hear the poor you or the judgement for staying and I can’t tell my family or his because mine are all very close and it would just be to embarrassing for me and his family are a bunch of losers and would just not talk to him more than they do now. Part of the reason why he has been doing what he has been doing with these emotional relationships for the last 8 years because of the mommy and daddy don’t love me syndrome. O.K. Sorry, rambling just wanted to say thank you, thank you, thank you……
Andrea – Hang in there…you are right, he does not get it. My husband and I have worked though our crap and our almost for your post- affair and I still don’t think he totally “gets it” from my perspective anyways. If he got it, he would have been looking outside himself about how his actions would affect you…but he did not he cheated instead. My husband and I went into counselling post-affair for almost five months, separately, with different counsellors to get our crap straight. He was mourning the OW, and it was too painful for me to hear anything of the affect, I was dealing with mourning too, but of the man and relationship I thought I had. It was so painful, it is still painful to speak about but we both needed those outlets before we were ready to talk about “us” and what happened. This was especially hard for me because when I found out about the affiar I had also found out about being pregnant…what timing eh! So I was so ready to leave him before the baby was born if we did not come to some kind of relationship that I could live with. I realize that the affair had very little to do with me, I mean yes, there were issues in our marriage but it was HIS choice and HIS actions not mine. My counsellor helped me understand that most men who have an affair will usually distance themselves emotionally from the event as it mean facing what he truly did and what that might mean he “is” and how he looks at himself or others for that matter.
DON”T LOOK for any validation on HIS part, it sounds like he just isn’t there right now, but you need to look after yourself, you have been betrayed deeply. Have you ever thought of going to counselling by yourself to help you through this? My thought are will all you women…I know the pain you are in. It is awful and should never happen to anyone. I still struggle with triggers and insecurities to this day it can bring me to tears at the drop of the hat. There is HOPE….even if you feel like there is no end to this pain.
It’s been almost 2yrs since I found out about the last affair and around 5 years since I found out about the first affair. I’m still waiting to ‘feel normal’ – maybe this is my new normal? If so I don’t like it. Not one day goes by that I don’t think about what he did and wonder how you could hurt someone so deeply that you ‘love’. Even though I stayed and I think about it daily – I no longer care to be in this relationship – I stay because I don’t want to hurt my kids -I know it’s not an excuse but that’s the way I think. My youngest is 10 and I know he would be devastated -I just think it’s a bad age to disrupt his life. I also think about birthdays & holidays and how I don’t want my kids to feel split between us. I think in my situation I stayed because I am weak – not because I am strong….
@ Numb- You are not weak at all. I takes a lot of strength to slow down long enough to take your kids’ needs into consideration before you do anything. You did the best you could to put them first, that’s not weak. If you truly don’t want to be there the best thing for you is to start making plans for you to be able to leave. It may not be today or next month but just knowing you are heading there may give you relief. Also know this: just because their dad is in the house doesn’t mean he’s involved. If he is really involved it’s because he cares and if he truly cares about his children you won’t be able to keep him away much less have to beg him to be around. If he doesn’t then they probably don’t have much of a relationship with him even with him being there.
In my case I don’t want to let go. My husband was my high school sweetheart, we will be married 30 years this coming fall. I cannot see myself with someone else and I hate being alone. All of my children are grown (although still at home). I very seldom worked during all of those years. He didn’t want me to (sore spot, while he told me he didn’t want to I had to hear it from the other woman that “he’s been tired of you sitting on your fat lazy a** while he had to work more than one job to pay the bills”). I have a job now (since he said he was going to divorce me and it would be ugly) but it’s only part time and only pays minimum wage. I couldn’t survive on that even if I got half of the retirement and some alimony. All of that together made divorce unthinkable. I will tell you one thing though, I AM strong enough that if he EVER cheats on me, in any form be it cyber sex, sexting, phone sex, or physical sex again I will get a divorce if it means I have to live in my car for the rest of my life. I WILL NOT go through this again.
Keep your head up, you are doing the best that you can. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Hi, I hope this site encourages everyone to move forward, even if only one day at a time. My counselor told me to try the odd/even exercise to determine what I want to do about my relationship. On even days live like you’re committed 100% to staying and working hard and see what that looks like. On odd days live like you’ve committed to leave, search for apartments, lawyers, think about things you would do if you had free time. Maybe it will help resolve the confusion about what to do. I’m starting tomorrow, will let you know!
Hi Ladies, well I had an eventful day yesterday, after getting the facebook request from the OW early in the week, I find out that there are others, apparently one whilst he was with the OW, and since he left her one between that and another now current, so have now had to ask someone in that country to find out if this is true. So today is a bad day, how much more am I supposed to take, I cannot stop shaking since I heard all this yesterday evening from a contact who thought I should know.
“WishIcould be normal” I am in a very similar situation, not worked for all these years so basically unemployable. Have my own very small company which is just ticking over, so could not even support myself, guess today is going to be one of those bad days. Wonder if my life will ever be normal again, can only hope and try to be strong to move forward, just so scared and not quite sure how, all I do know is that I don’t deserve this and cannot believe someone could be so cruel.
@ Michelle from Australia – ((((hugs))) I am sure there is a very strong woman behind all of the hurt. Don’t stop until you find her.
@Rhonda
}. With a surgeon, the benchmarks are much more “quantifiable” – 5,000 sucessfull surgeries, etc. Finding a good counselor takes more research. I have been very fortunate to find an excellent one via the recommendation of people I know who have gone through similar problems (one of which was my mother who went through a horrible divorce) so she already knew all my “family baggage,” and what I have learned has been nothing short of epiphanic. She challenges me, my actions, and the way I think, and gives me “homework” – it isn’t just “tell me how you feel” type stuff. I went there primarily for me, the state of my marriage (and is still the primary reason) but the lessons and skills I have learned have translated into making me a much more resilient person on many levels – as a friend, as a daughter, as a wife (for now at least), and in my business life. Her office is 70 miles from my house and it is worth every mile. I have learned so much, but I will leave you all with what I think are two of the biggest lessons that I have learned:
Regarding your question about counselors and do they really help…. Finding a good counselor is harder than say, finding a good orthopedic surgeon {another area in which I have experience
1. What you allow, you encourage (and that goes for everything in our life – kids, bosses, family members, friends, and of course, husbands)
2. The person who loves the least controls the relationship
I remember a line from “Under the Tuscan Sun” where Diane Lane is talking about the pain of infidelity and divorce and says “It doesn’t actually kill you…. It should…it should kill you instantly” and I remember thinking, that is exactly how it feels. In the meantime, I am waiting for a bird to poop on my head as a sign of good things to come.
My husband claims that he cheated (webcam sex, emails, chatting, comments, etc for 6 years with multiple women he’s remained in contact with) because it was his way of dealing with stress and that he didn’t want to burden me with it. ( I wrote more about my situation under My Story previously)
We’ve since gone to therapy but it hasn’t helped me. HEsays HE feels better but it feels as if it’s been at MY cost – MY selfesteem, MY peace of mind and ME pulling away from him! I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him – Don’t stress him out – plays on loop in my mind now. I don’t dare fuly express myself around him for fear of him feeling “stressed” and returning to his coping behaviour.
At the same time, I am so filled with rage I have no idea what to do with it.
We have a new born and I’m civil, but what I really want to do is scream at him and hit him with my shoe! ( I would never do that though).
I’m afraid of staying with him simply because of our baby. I’m afraid of never being able to forgive him. I’m afraid of becomming a bitter person. I’m afraid of raising my child in a home where mommy doesn’t trust daddy and she learns this behaviour and adapts it to herself. And I’m really afraid of him cheating again IF I decide to take him back.
My question is, when do you know when to end it and when to fight for it? He’s fighting, I feel it and I can see that he’s honestly trying. I on the other hand am a wreck. It cuts deep, maybe too deep.
Oh Lydia — I’m sorry to hear your story. I’m struggling with a similar situation and it’s been almost a year since D-day. All I can say is that I’m praying that an answer comes my way and I know what to do. I have chosen to stay for now to work on it as best I can — that way I will have no regrets or a guilty conscience that I didn’t try. One thing is guaranteed — and that is that there are no guarantees he will be faithful — that is what is the hardest to live with. But that is reality now. I think about it EVERY day. He had multiple emotional affairs (one he said the L word after about a week) — and he also said it was a coping mechanism with stress of a new job and issues at home — including adult children who are struggling in their lives. I have never heard of this so I’m interested in hearing what your H says to you about it. My H is really doing the work too — but in the past year, I’ve realized what has really scared me the most ……. MY feelings…….. I used to be “in love” with him and was truly devasted by what I discovered. Now — after he is trying so hard to make it right, I’m so afraid my love for him isn’t the same. I love him but I’m more numb now –pretty much about everything — joy and sadness — both emotional swings aren’t as intense anymore. Despite us being closer now than we were before — there is still a wall up deep down inside me. I think it’s about my own self-respect. And how could I stay and feel the same about someone who could do that. How can I live with that — for me????? That is what is scariest — that I will stay in a now-flawed marriage — one in which he must have loved me less than I love him. It’s that “fall from grace” from the ideal of the happily ever after I was hoping for. I’m sorry about your situation, but stay strong. I can’t believe you have been civil —
I was not. I threw things and still slam things down when I’m in the middle of a trigger episode. You are stronger than you think and your answers will come in time. Jewels’ book is awesome. She and the other ladies here have great input. I hope you can find some time and peace just for you during this period. It’s the rollercoaster from hell and you need to take care of you right now.
Hi Lydia:
How do you know when to end it? The $64,000 question. I asked the same question to my counselor several months ago and she said “When the time is right, you’ll just know it.” I remember thinking right at the moment, “WTF? You just charged an effing $160/hour for THAT?” But she ended up being right. Although I haven’t decided to divorce, my decision to separate wound up being like that. Certain things happened, in certain sequences, and at certain times in my mood or thinking and finally one day, he said and did something, and it just clicked in my head, “It’s time to separate.” And I knew it was right because it was the one time I had peace with that thought. Prior to that, I didn’t. The bottom line is listen to your gut and trust your OWN instincts. I now have more faith in MYSELF that I will know that if I decide to divorce, it will be the right decision and at the right time. I am the type of person who like to have things planned out way in advance. But in this situation, you can’t. I was once given advice by a recently divorced friend to subscribe to the ODAAT philosophy – One day at a time. It was very hard for someone like me to think like that (I am a professional planning consultant!), but in the end it has saved me. In fact, the week leading up to my move out, and for the 72 hours following my move, I was literally taking it a few hours at at time. Q: How will I get through to today? A: I don’t know, but I will just try to make it through the next 3 hours. Repeat process 3 hours later. Then, I would find myself making it through a day. I have increased my intervals back to a ODAAT. Sometimes I allow myself the luxury of thinking 2 days in advance. Someday, I will be able to think longer term again. But for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have HOPE.
The biggest thing I struggle with is, how much DON’T I know about? If I stay, I am pretty sure that will always be bubbling in my mind just below the surface. I have to decide if the benefits of staying is worth being in that mental prison which I suspect will be forever to some degree. Some days I think about it more, some less. But not a day goes by since 2002 that the thought doesn’t come into my head. His recent finacial secrecy has simply reinforced this obssessive thinking. It’s like my own horrible, tortuous Groundhog Day movie.
ODAAT…..
Hi Ella!
Thanks for responding to me. My H explained his “stress coping mechanism” was a way to show that he loved me. What?!?! Yes. He says that he wanted to be perfect for me, fault-free and that meant him not talking about his stress and handling everything himself. He says that he knows it was an f*cked up way to show his love. At the same time, he said that he felt guilty both before and after but that during he just clicked himself off – like he wasn’t himself. He claims that he couldn’t stop either. He says that he tried but just kept going back to it.
I’ve since called bullsh*t since he’s done it during times of non-stress but our therapist says that he was addicted and that’s why he kept going back.
Whatever – I don’t believe it. We’ve only been in counseling 5 weeks and she sees no need to continue talking with us since he hasn’t wanted nor thought about doing it again and claims that he’s “cured”, that he’ll never do it again. My head nearly exploded. How can anyone guarantee such a thing?! The first time we went to her, her first words to him were, “You don’t need to feel guilty. Nearly all marriages suffer from infidelity”. I let her have it. She has since apologized and says that she’s taken my words to heart, but I doubt it. I want a refund! Can I get it if her “guarantee” falls through?!?!
My civility is hanging on by a thread, but it’s my baby that keeps me from losing it. I don’t want her to hear it. And, it kills me to know that she is affected by it. I know she can sense the change in me. My milk production is still affected.
What has your H said to you about it?
Hi Ladygator.
Thank you for your advice. ODAAT sounds like a plan for me. I am also someone that plans waaaaaaaay in advance. My filofax proves it! You’re right, focus on getting through now and my needs. The 3 hour at a time plan sounds perfect.
Thank you both for your help. Hugs, warm wishes and strength being sent from me to the both of you. We do deserve better! We are worth it!
Ella,
My situation is exactly the same as yours. My husband started having his multiple emotional affairs about the first time I was pregnant in 2003. They continued with 4 different woman until this last and final one that I found out about almost 3 months ago. He also used the L word with her and that has devastated me to no end. We have not sought counseling as we could not afford it with 4 kids. My kids are the only thing that keep me going on a day to day basis as well and if it weren’t for them I am pretty sure I would have left. He is also trying and has cut all ties off with all of them, but to me it doesn’t matter how hard he is trying because he can never repair my insecurities now and can never repair what he has done to me. I want that question answered as well as to how do you know when to leave. I to feel emotionally numb except for the fact that I still get devastated every time I think of what he has done to me. My husband also told me that he was so stressed and unhappy and did not want to hurt me more than he all ready had. He also said that he felt awfull and guilty about all of it, but somehow lost his morals and values during them and tried not to think about how much it would be hurting us. I think that is bull crap also because I will never understand how if you really love someone that you could do that to them. Every day is a struggle, every day is different, every day I just try to do the ODAAT as well. This last week for some reason has been worse than others and for the first time I told him I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to work through this anymore. For the first time I felt good about saying that to him. I didn’t care if he heard that and went elsewhere for comfort because for the first time in 3 months I felt like I was taking a little piece of me back, weird I know. I feel so much for all of us going through the worst time in our lives. Good luck to you Ella, keep us posted and thanks to all the other women out there that read and respond to these. It really helps to keep the next hour coming knowing there are others that understand and don’t judge you as to what you are going through.
Hi Rec, Well — our stories really are alike. He said pretty much the same thing. He was unhappy at work and feels he has to keep the facade going because he is the provider — he’s stressed about his adult children (from a prior marriage) who aren’t excelling as he would like. And there were several other stressors going on at home. So they all contributed. No — they don’t want to disappoint us, but they do. They do things to feel better about themselves. In my case — I overheard a phone conversation and he said some pretty crappy things about living here — he was bored. And then he said the L word to someone else. She was all hot on the soulmate thing — but she’s married with a 9-year old. I told her husband and that shook her world I think. I really don’t know if my husband was trying to get back at me because he felt crappy about himself. Or if he just was trying to feel better. I can’t determine the motive…..even to this day — he says the same thing your husband does. Is it that they are really that insecure? Ugh. I do the ODAAT thing as well now. I’m at such a loss and though I’ve decided to stay for the lifestyle — I feel like I’m shortchanging myself by settling. I also now know there is NO happily ever after. But I know that what I now have to live with for the rest of my life isn’t a good alternative either. I hear about more and more issues — like the car analogy you used. There is no perfect relationship — so I don’t put that much importance on it anymore. I need to try to find something for me that gets me excited. I’m struggling with that since I quit my job last May. I have never not worked. That was part of the deal though — he thought I was too stressed at home too and that made him miserable. So off to continue to try to find myself! We will be ok. I know it.
Hello ladies, I came across this while looking for answers on why I wasn’t good enough for my husband to have not betrayed me. I had been married for 10 years with 3 kids, nice house, seemed to be the “perfect family”. We got along great or at least I thought we did. My husband had befriended a guy that I didn’t really like or hate, there was just something about him that struck me wrong, well that was the first time that my husband had cheated at that time we were married for about 6 years. I found out and confronted him, he denied it…well I didn’t have any real hard evidence, just “hear say”. One nigh this friend asked me to have sex with him…it didn’t upset my husband, but it upset me. My husband and I fought about it over and over and he finally confronted his friend and they went their seperate ways. Not to mention my husband had develped a gambling problem duriing this time that he was hiding as well….I didn’t find out untill he was 30k in debt. Well, right before our 10 year anniversary we all went out and I was DD that night, I had left to take a sick drunk friend home, when I came back tot he bar I saw my husband kissing my son’s football coaches wife, I confronted him there and he said “I didn’t know you were coming back”…apparently. Long story short…he invited her to our house that night and she and her friends showed up…it got ugly. The next morning I did not speak to him….it took him two days to ask me if I was going to talk to him. His defense was that he didn’t remember anything because he was drunk…that was bs because he had told one of our friends about via text and I had already read it…he still denied having any knowledge of his actions. During all this the idiot told my brother that he had been texting a girl that he works with. Another long story short…I caught him via the cell phone records…then I went thru his phone early one morning…it was all right there…sexting, texting, pic’s…everything. That morning I confronted him, he said they were just friends and I had nothing to worry about and that he loves me. He looked me in the eye and straight out lied to my face. That night when I got home from work I told him what I knew and showed him my proof. He told me not to worry because he would never leave me for someone like her, he wouldn’t be caught dead in public with her. I stayed for about 6 months, that’s when I found out the OW was pregnant and due exactly 9 months from the time the affair started. I asked for a paternity test and he told me to f’off. I filed for divorce two weeks later. He kept telling me just to get over everything and we would be fine. My problem was that he would not be honest with me and was very angry and always yelling. He had made me promises of counceling, new job since they worked together, never being alone with her again (which was a lie), being a better husband adn father and putting me/us first and not his friends…that never happened. His mother and his sister came down on me for being selfish and leaving him, he made a mistake and he shouldn’t have to pay for it for the rest of his life.
We have been divorced for about 9 months now and he has come back to me 3 different times wanting to work it out and has asked what it would take to do so. Each time I have told him the samething….give me what you promised along with a paternity test….he sasys he won’t and can’t do it any of it, I just need to put everything in the past and we will be fine. He came back again to ask to work things out and had agreed to do the things that he promised….then he met another woman about 2 weeks after our talk and has now decided that he can’t and won’t do what needs to be done to work it out with me…he has too much going on in his life now to worry about that. So, I told him that was fine and good luck with his future, I would no longer be here…I am not competing with anyone…if you truely love someone, they shouldn’t have to compete.
I guess what I really want to say to all you ladies, is that whether its 1 time or a 1,000 times…it hurts and when you are good to someone and true to them and they blindside you with something like this…it hurts. Now, I’m still not over it and hurt on a regular basis because I now realize that I do not know who I was married to, we had been together for 17 years and I would have never imagined anythign like this and neither did any of our friends…he was living a double life. So ladies, keep your chin up and smile, love your kids with all you have, take time for yourself and hang with your girlfriends. I have a few girlsfriends that saw me stand up for myself and say I deserve better…..they are now standing up for themselves and two have left. They say that I was their example of a strong woman and that they too could survive because they have seen it with their own eyes.
Em,
To say that I am astounded by your strength is an understatement. You are a hero to yourself and your children. I myself am struggling with the idea of being a single mother, it’s scary to me. All my plans, hopes and dreams for my future as well as my daughter’s just vanished. I feel as if he took them all from us.
Thank you for sharing. It means more to me than you can imagine.
Ugh — used Rec’s name instead of Rhonda — that goes to show you how messed up I am. I am trying to stay on top of several of these blogs — they are all so helpful. So I’m sorry — Rhonda — I meant you as your story is similar to mine.
Lydia — I am curious about your therapist being ok with your husband being ok now. How does that happen? What was the root of the problem? Or is it as simple as they just don’t think the same way we do — that would be the real tragedy. We have invested so much in keeping the relationships going, and what does it really get us? I sometimes feel so down on myself that I see myself withdrawing from others. Since I quit my job, I’m more isolated now — that is not a good thing — but I just don’t feel like talking to people much anymore other than my really good friends. My D-day is in March and I still feel I have really bad days — I just don’t let it out as much. Em — as Lydia said — I’m astounded by your strength as well. And Lydia — you mentioned you feel your husband stole your plans, hopes and dreams — I couldn’t agree more. I hope God reveals why this had to happen — soon. I’m at a loss as to why we are all going through this. Hopefully to get to something better — but wow, this is a tough journey. Hope you all have a peaceful night and good dreams…..
@WishIcouldBeNormal – Your post helped me view my situation in a different light – thank you! I too married my highschool sweetheart – because we were expecting. The one thing my mother told me was to always make sure I could take of myslef & never rely on anyone else to do it – I think that’s the best lesson mothers can teach their daughters.
I hope your situation gets better and you don’t have to go thru this ever again!
BTW: I’m so thankful for this site and being able to release my feelings – sometimes that’s all it takes to feel better and get through the day….
Em, you are my hero and I salute you. Thank you for your story. I have read it at least 4 times, and will probably read it some more.
This is a letter to all of you ladies who feel you have been betrayed.
I believe, in most cases, if your husband betrayed you once, he most likely will do it again. My husband did, in 1987, and here we are in 2012 and I find myself in the same situation, he did it again. I am so angry with myself for trusting him. You can’t believe that you played by the rules for so many years and God only knows what he was doing. It is a terrible place to be in. I don’t know how this will end because it is very hard to like or even love him at this point in our marriage.
I hope that you all make the right choice whether it be to stay or to leave.
I cannot stress enough how very important it is that you ALWAYS REMEMBER what he did. If something doesn’t feel right make sure you question it. Better to leave when you are young enough to start over.
Joan… I am sorry to hear it happened again! It does go to show that no matter what we believe or want to believe, the ol sayings always seem to be true! We can hope in all our situations it wont happen to us but I don’t think any of us will ever be comfortable in thinking it won’t happen again which is why we all have some paranoia when he doesn’t answer the phone, or stays out late etc etc etc! It’s a very sad way of existing and I say existing because at this moment in time that is what I am doing because by no means am I living! You don’t call it living when your head is constantly filled with questions as to what really went on because even though I have answers I will never have all the answers and for me the need to know what the missing pieces are is what keeps it the priority of my functioning brain! We can’t even escape to our dreams because there is always some part of this in there too! I now go to sleep with earphones in “watching” Big Bang Theory – I tend to fall asleep half way through it.. its a lot easier than closing my eyes and hearing my constant thoughts!!! One thing is for sure – I will NEVER forget it and hopefully in time it will fade but I will forever be on my guard! If after nearly a year later I still feel this bad then I have no doubt it will take a very long time to fade!
Ella.. you say you ask yourself why stay.. I guess we all ask that and why do we inflict this misery on ourselves when we could just move on.. well… I guess it is not because we are not strong – I don’t think that has anything to do with it because as I said before I think it takes more strength to stay – however – I think we have very deep emotional ties to our partners and because we love unconditionally it is harder to give them up even after the despicable thing they have done! I am sure in time we will be able to decide whether to stay or not but I guess we believe we have enough love to overcome this or at least say we gave it our best to try and fix something we never broke! Then again – we could be saying bugger him – I am not letting him go so she can have him – I rather keep him and make him suffer.. ha ha.. psychology.. don’t you just love it!!!
Hi Lydia,
thank you for our kind words. For me being a single mother really wasn’t anything new…I was already alone and I was married. My 15 yearold told me that…he “said what’s so scary, you’ve been raising us while he’s been out doing his own thing”…it was an interesting insight on my sons part and he brought it to my attention that things were not as bad as what was going on in my head. And yes, I agree that they (the cheating husbands) do take away your future, hopes, dreams, trust…life. I’m still a work in progress but I will say that I decided…my ex can have all of that because I am going to make new dreams, hopes, a future and a life that doesn’t include all this drama. I will have to deal with him because we have kids but not on a regular basis. Ladygator is right with the ODAAT, it does take that perspective, well it did for me…to even be able to figure out what I was going to make for dinner. We all have to find strenght from somewhere…I have also decided to listen to my gut…it has never proved me wrong and has never let me down, it can’t be fooled 
.
Talking about it is good too, getting things off your chest, also knowing that you were not alone…there are lots of us out here that are going through this or have gone through it. I had and still do have issues to why I wasn’t good enough to have not deserved this, the only answer he gave me on that was I don’t know. I do hope that my story helps some and I also hope it helps my kids….this is something that they have seen first hand and I know my two oldest would never treat their spouses this way, my youngest is 5…also I hope it shows them to not take this treatment from someone either and stand up for themselves.
Hi Em you are an inspiration and none of us deserve this. Am battling this week, now have the name of the OOOW, apparently she has been living with him for a while now, my daughter is also trying to stay strong, this whole thing gave her annorexia and so have had that to cope with along with what he has done and apparently still doing. It has been the hardest two years of my life, feel like I have been in a living hell, my daughter came so close to the end but is now working very hard to get better, I still feel every now and again when I get slammed in the stomach with more info that it is all my fault, even though I know it isn’t, he made his choices, he sent me here, I did what I was told, dutiful, faithful, loving to a fault. Why do they hurt us so, it is so cruel. Sorry, just a very bad week, at least here I know I am not alone, we all are in similar situations. Now have to try get back to finding my inner strength, does it ever get any easier when you find out more? I can only think from day to day now, hope one day to find that final strength where I can be me again, never the same me, think that is gone, but maybe a wiser, stronger me.
Michelle – I can feel your pain clear across the ocean. I am no longer myself either. The good part of me feels defeated and beaten down and is in hiding. The ugly parts, the parts I have learned to keep down because I found them so distasteful have taken a lot of space in my life in the last year. I have never been a trusting person. I have issues from abandonment, verbal abuse, and molestation as a child. Yet, I trusted my husband as close to 100% as I could come and then he started hacking away at that trust until it is almost none existent.I’m never happy. There are days when I am less sad but never really happy. I have no dreams any more. All I have is getting through today. I hate this so much. What pisses me off more than anything at this moment is that the OW has gone on with her life. She has moved on to hunt down the next unsuspecting man while my life is in a thousand pieces. I don’t think she should be able to do that. I think she should be miserable every day of her life until I am able to be happy again. I love my husband so I want him to be happy but some days it bites that he is so overly happy and he gets upset with me because I’m not. He wants me to be happy he says. I have gone to work, given him all the sex he wants, when he wants, how he want, have become mindful of how I talk to him and have grown out both my hair and my nails to make him happy but I can’t make myself happy. That’s something he wants that I can’t give. Lord how I wish I knew how to make it happen. I sure wish he cared more about making that happen than just sitting back and saying he wants it. Uggggh! This whole thing is maddening.!
Mitch
Thank you for writing back. I was curious as to your story so I went back to read it. I think we are both married to the same man…ha, ha! They are so much alike. My husband cheated for the 2nd time 8 years ago, but I just found out about it in Sept. 2011. Acquired some medical records from the doctor who was retiring and found out he had gone for a test because of unprotected sex. Anyway, I don’t feel as though I got the whole story either, still have many questions but he feels I should also go on with our lives and forget about it and stop asking questions there was nothing more to it. Stop making such a big deal over it, it wasn’t a big deal, so he says. He says it was not like that…romantic, loving, etc. It was sex after work in her car. He would come home from work between 7 and 8 pm, so it was quite possible that this did go on in her car for 1/2 hour as he said. My only comfort is that he never went out alone, or spent money, or spent time on the computer. I guess it was like “wam, bam, thank you mam.” The sad thing about this was that he was 57 years old and she was 27. (My daughter’s age). Lucky him! It’s funny because my daughter was dating a 29 year old guy and when they broke up he started dating a 21 year old and she called him a pedofile. I almost died. What would she think of her father? Would she think her father was a pedofile also for dating a 27 year old when he was 57. My sons and daughter do not know of their father’s infidelity. I’m afraid if I tell my sons they may one day think it is ok because their father did it. As for my daughter, I think it would totally devastate her.
But by the same token I want her to know that there are plenty of men out there who cannot be trusted. Isn’t it sad that we have to warn our children about infidelities that may happen one day in their lives when they are not even married yet.
My husband is now 65 and his “JUNK” does not work the same way it did when he was 58, especially when you add blood pressure meds into the mix. So I am not afraid he will do it again. I think it would be too embarrassing for him. The chicks will laugh at him if he tries.
And now it is my time to laugh at him also, because women can have sex until the day they die.
I know when my husband sees me looking at him now he knows my thoughts are “what a loser he is”. A loser for being such a sneak after so many years of marriage. How can he be proud when he had a wife who was there for him, took care of him and his children and did what she was suppose to be doing \
and there he was lieing and cheating. I told him He needs to work on his self esteem . I also told him that he doesn’t like himself so how could he have liked her. He had sex with her because he needed to be validated that he still had it.
I have a trip coming up where I will be walking through the security at the airport where all of this started and I will be going thru the same security he worked at. My plan is to ask for this OW and tell her I know she was screwing myhusband years back and I will tell her I’m leaving him, she can have him, and pass her his cell phone number. The only problem is the number I give her will be mine. I want to see if she calls. I only hope she is still working there. It is time for me to get the last laugh.
I am gradually getting over this infidelity so now it is my time for me to play the game. I am a new person, not afriad to speak my mind, and no one will ever get over on me again. I will walk with my head high and enjoy the life that I have been given. No one will ever take advantage of me again!
Ladies,
When times are tough for me I come here. This is how I can pick myself up once again and know my worth and move forward. I wish I still had children at home to help me stop thinking of my awful situation.
My life feels like a soap opera unfolding and I am trying to put humor with it. Some days it is hard but thank God for wonderful friends who put humor in it for me. Then I have some close friends who pretty much beat me down telling me to ditch the loser, move on, how can you still have any feelings for him, etc… Those friends I am now tending to push away. I understand they only want what is best for me but I do not need to be beaten down emotionally any more.
I am almost 10 months from D-Day, separated for 6 weeks and last week discovered my husband and the OW once again were in contact. When I confronted him he did not deny but told me about their conversations. So painful to hear and not sure why he is so cruel in his words to me. Then started the blame game once again, every time he talks to this OW he comes back and blames me. He is very predictable and I pretty much told him it is not me, it is him and he really needs to get the right help and look at himself. He knows he is about to loose it all and admits he is still hanging onto me, us, our family, etc… but yet he makes no effort to improve our situation nor attend couples therapy, which I am beginning alone in the next 2 weeks. I am searching for a top notch therapist who handles families, couples and individuals. I will need to somehow get our adult sons into family therapy with me, this has greatly impacted their lives. It was like the original wounds opening right up again with this discovery. I told my husband I am calling her husband and he begged me not too.
So instead yesterday when I saw the OW I leaned in her passenger window of her car and said “I know everything including all the recent conversations, I am done with you and now I am going to have nice conversations with all our mutual friends” then I walked away. Well she put her car in reverse and backed up and hit me, I was shocked. She tried to hit me again and I jumped out of the way yelling “you just hit me with your car, stop” She started yelling at me “What are you doing” and I said “You hit me”. This was all witnessed by a young lady who came to me saying “I saw and heard the entire thing and that lady did that on purpose”. I was very shaken up and did call the Police and filed an incident report. The Police paid a visit to her home telling her this and at this time I am not filing charges and that she is to stay away from me and I will from her. My good friend thinks I need to see an attorney and obtain a restraining order.
So now once again I have to try to move forward and I know I have the power and strength to do this. It is hard as my husband was always one to protect me and I feel like he has abandoned me. He is more worried about his reputation than me, his wife of almost 25 years. This is the hardest to work through. Now I truly see what kind of OW he got himself involved with and the car incident scared me. For the first time I am truly worried for my safety and for the safety of our boys. Did she really hit me on purpose? I have no idea as I know I shook her up by saying what I did. Her fears are others will know and judge her, so are my husbands. But at this point they have to face the consequences of their actions and I truly am tired of the lies, pretending and the facade. My therapist has told me “Why are you protecting them, they did not protect you” If you want to tell mutual friends then do it. Of course my husband threatens me with “If you tell, we are for sure done”. Well that speaks volumes too.
Hi Jules, I, too, had the opportunity to point out to my H what kind of women he chose over his loyal, mentally stable wife. My pet name for one of his OW is the psycho b*tch, because shen she felt that he wasn’t leaving me as fast to her liking, she tried to commit suicide and let daughter find her. I just looked at him and said take a good look at what your life will be. Don’t get my way?? I’ll stomp my feet and take a handful of pills. And yet, like you, I was protecting him. You’re therapist is right. I protected my husband not just from others knowing about his affairs and his porn addiction (Joan, I can relate to your shock regarding age – I actually needed to verify that he wasn’t possessing anything illegal) and further protected him by making excuses when he would verbally abuse me in front of others. No more. Time to wear the big boy pants and take responsiblity for your actions. I told him if that is who you want to be, then be proud of who you are! Oh, what’s that? You’re not proud? You’d be embarrassed if your mom found out? I have opened up to more friends (only very close ones) and I wish I had done it a long time ago. And the anonymity of this board helps too, in addition to my close friends. I beat myself up for a long time about protecting him because what you allow you encourage, but I was afraid. What made it even harder was when people would say things to me like “You’re so lucky. He’s such a great guy. He would never cheat on you. blah blah blah.” I wanted to throw up. But I was party to that – I helped build that fake facade. Well, finally one day I realized “knowledge IS power” and I told him I disclosed everything to some close friends. He was not happy. My basic reaction was “too effing bad.” I remember learning in science class that an object will continue to stay moving in the same direction until acted upon by another force. A ball rolling in one direction will stay that way until someone kicks it and rolls the other way. I feel that is not only a law of physics, but a law of relationships. My relationship would have continued in one direction until acted upon by another force (ME!). I have told others of his actions and moved into my own place. Last I heard, he found the name of a counselor he wants to try for the individual counseling that I have been asking him for for years. Yay for him, but not sure if it’s too late for me. But I am still ODAAT so I am not worrying about the “what if’s” for now. I look at it this way, he needs counseling just to be a better human being, whether or not I stay. Either way, money well spent – either for our relationship or for humankind in general.
Don’t know what’s worse: I don’t love you, I’m seeing someone else or I love you, but you’re not worth the effort to change. …….I’m having a really bad day. It reminds me of Jack Nicholson’s character in “As Good As It Gets”. His character comes out of the psych’s office into the waiting room full of people, looks at them and says “What if this is as good as it gets?” That’s how I feel right now. What if this is as good as it gets? What if he is always happy with him being happy and never cares enough about me being happy to do anything about it? What if I never become more important than his computer? What if the only thing holding this marriage together is all of the hard work I put into making HIM happy and I can’t manage to do it all any more? 30 years is a long time to wait on someone to notice you have worth and to treat you accordingly. A very long time.
WishcouldBeNormal,
I am right there with you. Today has been a bad day too, so thought I
was past the crying. We have been together for over 24 years and 7
months ago because of his mid-life crisis and no job he has a affair
with his first love. Now he is not sure if he wants me or a life with
her. They stopped talking about 2 weeks ago because she did not like
it when I made contact with her after discovering they have still been
communicating. She lives in another state and at the moment he is on
the way up there to spend some time with his brothers and watch the
race with them. He told me he may see her, mainly because right now
he doesn’t know if she is what he wants, and he can not go on like
this anymore. He also told my sister last week that he has stopped
trying because he doesn’t understand my moods, one minute I am ok and
the next I am not. Really how do you expect me to be ok when you are
not really trying on our marriage and you are still talking to the OW.
I am so torn right now because when I did throw him out and he moved
all his stuff in with her, he only stayed a 10 days and then came
back. Then during the last 3 months I have tried to get him to leave
and just when it is time for him to go, he finds an excuse to stay. I
am so cunfused and tired right now, do not want to be the grown up or
the person making the decisions. I just love him and hate him at the
same time.
On 2/25/12, Cheating Husbands – YOU ARE NOT ALONE
I posted here a month ago and I am sad to say that not much has changed in my life. I feel like it is groundhogs day everyday. He told me that he ended it with the OW but I found out last week that they are still emailing and texting each other. Glad now that I never believed it was over. But then he tell me that he cant see his life without me in it and how he wants me, I am just so tired of the lies. He is still living here and will not move out because he is afraid I will screw him with the house if he left. The OW was my friend and our kids go to the same daycare. I came face to face with her for the first time yesterday at a daycare birthday party. I almost didn’t go and just let him take my kids but I am tired of my life been affected and theirs not. They have not faced any conclusions for what they have done. So 2 hours before the party I informed him I was going. Man did he start sweating bulletins and telling me that he didn’t think it was a good idea. I just said oh well, you should have thought about that before you started sleeping with a woman who interwined in our lives. So when I saw her I went right up to her and said Hi how are you and she had the balls to be a saractic B**tch to me. I can not understand how you can act like you have done nothing wrong when you have blown my whole world apart. I know this is not her first affair with a husband of someone she was friends with but come on! I hate the fact that sometimes I feel so strong and the next mintue I am crying my eyes out. My therapist tells me it is normal but nothing about my life is normal. I know i can be the one to move out but months ago he agreed to move out because of the kids (6 and 3). I meet with a lawyer on Tuesday. I just dont understand why this is happening to me, I know there is some type of plan but I am so tired of feeling broken!
since i found out and life has returned to kinda normal i’ve been thinking about my life. am i settling? i still love all the things i used to love about him but am i settling for a man who cheated on me? i know i deserve better. i’ve been doing a lot of self reflecting since everything happened and i know i’m the package. my husband is in the military and as with any marriage there’s a lot of sacrifice but with the military it brings a whole lot of other sacrifices and i’m wondering if i can do better. not every man is a cheater, i have to believe that for hope for my daughter and for setting the right path for my son. i’m wondering if my sacrifices for him are worth it anymore because i feel like for all i’ve done for him and his career his cheating is a huge slap in the face. have i always felt this way deep inside but never allowed myself to realize it or never realized it until after i found out he cheated? tomorrow is our 5 yr anniversary and i just wish i could fast forward my life to tuesday.
((((Karen))))) I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I can’t imagine living with him while he is “trying to decide”. One of the few things I have to be thankful for in this whole mess is that when my husband finally came clean he cut all contact with OW. I made it clear that he had to cut all of it not only with her but her husband (his best friend who knew and didn’t care). If he hadn’t I don’t know where I’d be but I can assure you it wouldn’t be with him. I can’t take fence sitting. I can’t imagine the emotional roller coaster you must be on. At least those of us who have resolved the issue of stay or go can somewhat focus of what’s ahead. You are in my prayers. I pray that whatever is best for you, even if it doesn’t feel that way, is what happens.
Take care of yourself. You are worth it.
Joan…thanks for the laugh and yes.. maybe we are married to the same man or maybe his twin.. ha ha.. Love the problem with Junk – I have notice this too as mine is 55 and where he used to be Roger Rabbit he is no longer.. at the same time though I do wonder is it his age or is it me? I guess after experiencing this I will always wonder is her he thinks of coz clearly she was more attractive to him than I am, even if she was older!! I do question all the time what his feelings are as he is not a sensitive person.. not romantic.. yet I know he can be and I have no doubt he was when he was with her.. not the romance as no time for that.. but the intensity of the moments with her! Arghh.. it just makes me sick! I has such a crap day yesterday and it really is like a bi-polar person as you just can’t control when the tears come! It’s soooo bloody frustrating and he is sooo frustrating as I will never get the truth from him! That’s when i ask myself why the hell am I staying? I know I am trying soo hard to catch up on what was missed.. just time wasted.. holidays wasted etc etc etc .. and I know I can’t… it’s not possible! When I think of leaving I think of the things we will miss out on and then I wonder why do I care.. why can’t i just move out and move on? I asked him does he think i stayed because I don’t want him to go back to her… or is it because I hate being alone? or do I really love him that much that I can put up with these awful constant thoughts? They do think that their “affair” was nothing so we should be it the same way but how do you erase those thoughts? Would they be able to do the same if the roles were reversed? Maybe they would cope better as they are men… non feeling aliens!!!! I have to say i like your plan of meeting the other woman.. i know many would say forget it.. bla bla bla but I know I have to meet mine at sometime.. I don’t care if it’s 5 years later but I will definitely make a point of it as I want to be face to face with the cow that ruined my life!!! Yes my husband will say we were only living together and weren’t together but we still did plenty of stuff together and at no time did it give him the green light to have an affair with someone else!!! Oh well.. again.. it’s his world and as long as we all revolve around it that’s all that’s important.. that and Big Bang Theory as there is no longer a time of come to bed and give a hug.. it’s let’s make sure the pc is charged!! Oh well.. some batteries are getting good use – just not mine.. better change that!! Enjoy your day! x
Mitch- From everything I’ve read on message boards men don’t take it better at all when it happens to them. A high percentage of them get a divorce without even considering taking their wives back. But at the same time, the ones that do try again seem to have a higher success rate than we do. Hum… isn’t it sad that in a small amount of time we can come to know so much about this subject. I used to say that if he cheated I’d pack his bags. Wow, what happened to that me? I am sure of one thing, I will never do this again. I know what you mean when you say you question why you stayed. I know I stayed because I love my husband but I can also say it gives me a great deal of pleasure knowing that I kept her from having him. She wouldn’t have stayed anyway. He was going to give me everything in the divorce. She’s a gold digger and was after everything I have not just my husband. She wanted a meal ticket. Now she has filed for a divorce and is still stuck living with her sickening ex (he help her and my husband hide the affair from me) because she can’t afford to leave. Boo Hoo!
It’s sad that I keep reading the same question on here which is am I doing the right thing by staying? I wish someone could answer that for us. I question every day about a million times a day if I am doing the right thing. I know I love my husband, but the hurt he has caused me through all of this is unbearable most days. I am three months after D-day, but in reality my gut had been telling me long before that this was all going on for years. I know he wouldn’t give me the same courtesy and or understanding that I am giving him, so why am I doing this to myself. I know we all wonder if it is worth it and for anyone who has gone through this do you guys think it is worth it? What am I teaching my kids in all this. Am I teaching my son it is O.K. to treat women like this. Am I teaching my 3 daughters that it is O.K. to let a man treat you like this. I am no longer a happy playfull mom, but one who is always lost in this world of pain and worry. My stomach is in knots most days and my heart….well…. is still broken. When I am with him it seems that the pain can be forgotten because he is showing so much care and effort, but the second he is not around it’s like back to square one. I am doing the ODAAT and have been, but I don’t really want to keep living one day at a time on egg shells wondering constantly is he lying, being faithfull, will he see them, does he want to talk to them, am I enough to keep him happy. This is no way to live your life, so why are we doing it? I guess you can all tell today is a really bad day and if anyone has any advice I could really use it right now. Thanks all for listening.
Ladies,
As I read these posts…I feel for everyone of you, we have all been in this horrific situation because of a husband that betrayed us. It’s aweful..the emotional rollercoster that we are all on it ridiculous…why do they have so much control over us? I left but yet my ex still knows how to beat me down and continually tell me I’m worthless because I didn’t stay and put more effort into working it out….REALLY?, you are kidding me right. It’s crazy….I am slowing healing from this aweful event and it all comes back on me not trying to “save” the marriage…..really…had he not cheated we wouldn’t be in this situation. We are divorced and the mind games are still going on and it’s crazy.
I do have one food for thought for ya’ll….ask yourself why are you staying? What are the reasons, why are those reasons important, is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? I know a lady that stayed in her marriage after she found out about her husbands affair. She told me “you can forgive, but you will never forget”. It is true, every time I looked at mey ex, that is what I saw. Now had be been more remorsful and honest and willing to do change his behavior, then it may have worked. But telling your “soul mate” to get over it and move on is not really putting the effort into rebuilding the marriage and trust that he destroyed.
I also decided that the bad times and drama were now larger than the good times that we shared, the saddness had overlaped the happiness, the frowns replaced the smiles….and that’s not how I wanted to live anymore.
I hope everyone finds peace with their decisions and realizes that YOU did not do this….don’t own it. If your husband is trying to decide between you and the OW…why are you letting him? Why are YOU competing? YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT…stand up and scream as loud as you can. No one is worth the hurt and anguish that they are putting you through….you don’t put the one you love through that…you protect them from hurt, not inflict it on them.
Em — I hear exactly what you are saying. I struggle with my decision to stay — he did not sleep with her — I caught it VERY early — but nonetheless, she was alluding to it in her emails that she wanted to figure out a way to “do an overnight”. Kind of hard when she had a child at home. But yes — I agree with what you are saying. As soon as I found out and read the emails to verify — I basically told my husband that he is free to go — and to have a good life. Hope it’s worth the consequences of what would happen the following day when I started to tell everyone. Also told him that I hope she makes him happy. Since he’s not happy with himself, he was setting her up for failure too. I told him to “go for it” –and that I couldn’t and didn’t want to compete with that. I also had another option at the time to go out with with an old beau who was recently divorced. You should have seen the look on his face. Not sure what he thought my reaction would be — but I told him I was devastated, but would not stand in his way of happiness. I did question him on what type of person he wanted to be known as from now on and how his image would now be described. A womanizer who hit on married women with children at home. He looked like a deer in headlights — the groveling began. So did counseling and an open book philosophy — can’t believe he acted that way and didn’t want to be “known like that” – he wasn’t raised that way, but lost it due to job stress and some issues we had at home. At least that’s the story I’m getting. I decided to stay — more for the fear of regret if I left without giving it the chance he was desperately fighting for. I’m mad still — not even at him or her — but at myself — that I’m even in this situation and that I was put through this. Neither of them is worth the time of day if anything like this ever happens again. And he knows it. I will leave immediately without uttering a word and without shedding a tear. It would be done. I am praying it doesn’t — but like you said — you want to protect those you love….that is what I think he is now struggling with — he let everyone down due to his own insecurities — he was a wuss. And yes, I told him –since you “love her” (as he put in his emails) — just go — he was free as far as I was concerned — but so was I …… it was only fair……
Funny what happened when the shoe went on the other foot. I am sometimes not happy for “settling” — but I feel I owe it to give him a chance. Right now the good is outweighing the bad. But as Em says — if the dynamic shifts then I’m gone. Life is too short to live in fear and anguish. This way, I will have no regrets down the road regardless of what happens. I hear so many of these stories — I also know there are other great men out there who would protect the family over anything else. Sure wish I had found one of them first. Sigh — have a great night ladies.
Hi ladies
As Em says, this is a total rollercoaster ride, just when I was beginning to feel like I was starting to heal and get myself into some sort of order I get slammed all over again, seems like he is a serial cheater. I thought I had myself under control,but the last few days have been a total disaster, I cannot stop crying and keep getting into a total state of panic. How do I get out of this prison, get off this train, just want to run screaming. My situation is complex so am stuck for now, and have to find a way. Again am lucky he is not here very often, but does not make it any easier as my selfconfidence and lonelyness have reared their ugly head all over again. I have basically been alone now for 6 years, the last two have been a living nightmare since it all came out and now have to try and start healing all over again. He does not know that I have found out this latest info, am going to keep this one under my belt for now. Such a sad thing after all these years and also mind blowing that they have so much control over us, think we can break free, we just have to find the strength, know I am a fine one to talk but am going to have to do it. But not today, just have to find my way out of this latest hole and pull myself back out. I just cannot understand why men are so cruel. How many chances do they have to be given, are we too generous?
Ella,
I wish all of us could be as strong and as confident as you are. I wish I had the guts to say those things. I mean I feel them, but I don’t know why I am to scared to say that. Maybe because I think he would just walk out that door even though I know that technically he all ready did by just doing this. I hope someday I can find the strength to sound the way that you do. I to wish that I had found the man that no matter what would protect his family first, I too found the idiot that chose to save himself and no one else. I want to shout from the rooftops as to what he did, but for some reason am saving him from the embarrassment, when he should be completely embarrassed. I want to tell his friends, his co-workers, his familly (even though they all suck including his mother and that is half of the reason he is the way he is). The only person he has had to answer to for this is me and well, as you can see from my writings, I obviously have not been to hard on him. I think I have actually made it to easy by staying and being sooooo understanding even though I want to scream and knock him through the floor most of the time. Thanks for your post it gives a different attitude that I hope to get to someday.
Hi Rhonda
You sound just like me, have never said a word to him and am also too scared to say anything. Everything you have done protecting him, I have done the same, after all this time I have only just started talking and it is here. I have definitely made things too easy for him and so wish I had the strength, courage and the right situation to be in to do it, I know I will some day, but it is the getting there that is the hard task at hand, finding me and the strength. Some days are harder than others but we are all special women, we need to remember that and it is them that have made choices that they will eventually have to live with the consequences of.
Hi Girls. This doesnt only happen to women it also happens to us guys. I was married for 38 years to a woman which I thought was my soul mate. Had a lovely life well I thought but things went pearshaped about 5 yrs ago. She left me for a friend of the family about 2 yrs ago now but I suspect he wasnt the only one she had affairs with. I was never real sure but I suspect she was having them with guys we knew for God knows how long.
So broken hearted me went my own difficult way but these days there
seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I think long marriages do go stale and we dont know it. We just take eachother for granted I guess . I guess it all just runs it’s corse sadly, I’m not the only one to have this happen and sure wont be the last I suspect. Life is short we just have to make the best of things. I would love to fall in love again and to make that happen I guess I have to get over things first. I know its hard but hang in there your not dead yet so get off the pity pot and get into a new life. When we sit and ponder its not that good is it. Thanks for listerning been interesting reading.
Hi Ladies — Rhonda – thank you for your support on my last post — but it’s taken me a long time to come to that mindset (if you read my older posts — I’m really pathetic deep down at times) — I was literally rolling on the floor in tears when I found his emails to this other (*&* I said what I said out of not wanting to be treated like a doormat – he has had other EAs in the past (not to this extent) — so this was not the first time I’ve been in a bad place with him. I”m not pillar of strength trust me — just at the end of my rope. He has so many issues — I really don’t think he’s a bad person at his core — but I do wonder somedays when I see a sneaky side. I still remind him that I’m not sure that staying feels completely right – -but that I’m still stuck. Stuck in the middle of the road — not knowing which turn to take at the fork. Either way could be full of regrets — so I’m just going with what I know — sad as that sounds. I do think being on my own at 48 is scary — but also could be exhilerating. I know so many people in this age group who are dating again and are having a great time. But I also see others who are struggling. I’m ok being alone as well – -but right now, the good is outweighing the bad. I just don’t want to be untrue to myself. That is really my biggest fear. Am I living a lie — I don’t have true joy anymore. No right answer – and everyone’s answer will be different. I just remember — that you always want what you can’t have and that men like more of a challenge — I remember men who always groveled and I wasn’t attracted to them as much. So I TRY to impart that into my attitude — faking it until I make it. It has worked thus far — but I don’t know. I have so many meltdowns — I’m still soooo angry and that comes out at times. I didn’t celebrate Valentine’s day — it was hypocritical. Aussie guy from Australia — sorry to read your post – -and after 38 years. But I agree that relationships do go stale without work. You have already told the same stories and know all of the little nuances about each other. Telling the same stories to someone new who finds them fascinating is ….. well — exciting again. So I see that point…..but when you’re committed — I think that you owe it to your spouse to do everything possible within the marriage first — and then either end it or stay put. The deceit and pure lack of respect is what kills us the most. Hope all is well with everyone. Spring is coming, so hopefully things will blossom for us no matter where we are in our journey.
Another update. It’s been 3 months since D day. I decided to stay with my H for many reasons – the kids (14, 10 & 8), because we have a long history together (18 yrs. of marriage and 6 yrs. before that), because he seemed truly remorseful and ready to do the work to rebuild our marriage and because I love him. I don’t regret my decision. He has been an open book with his phone and his email, he has answered every question with patience and as much compassion as possible, he has offered to go to counseling and he has taken full responsibility for his actions and not once blamed me. I have not found any evidence nor do I have any reason to believe that he is still in contact with the OW, but I am cautious. This is not to say that I am not still completely devastated by his betrayal and I have many days where something triggers me and I end up crying all day. For the life of me, I will never understand how someone can hurt someone so deeply that they claim to love. My hope is that someday I can get past all this hurt and be able to look back on this part in our lives as a test that we were able to pass. Everyone on this site is so strong (even though I know there are times when we don’t feel it). I can’t imagine going through this with a H that is not remorseful or can’t choose or any of the other things many of you are going through. For those of you in those situations, I pray that you discover the strength to find your path whatever it may be and that we all gain some happiness and peace in the near future.
Hi everyone its a lovely morning where I live this morning. I live in the Glass House Mts in Qld and its beautiful. This place I am in now since 11.11.11 hope that lucky
is still a house as yet to me but hopefully I can call it a home soon. I lost a farm in the washup of which I spent all my working life , built the house and sheds tennis court ect with my own hands so I think the hardest thing for any farmer is to lose his wife first then his farm . The farm was in the family for close on 60 years,so a big thing to lose. So being said I have to go on with life as hard as thats been. I find the best thing to do is get out of the house and go do something you have never done before and a whole new world opens up. You will be amazed at how many people out there rowing the same boat we are. I do ballroom dancing and that has been my life saver. Without that I would not be here writing this letter becuase I went into some dark places and really didnt want to go on.I have a whole new network of friends some with same problems but not all. I have found God has helped me as well. I cried out for him in my need and He was there but not in my time I think it was his. Being alone doesnt time go so slow? Said to a friend the other day that being lonely makes your life longer but not so happier . Time will heal they say but the love I had for that woman probably will never fade. Still have a deep whole in my heart but keeping busy and doing new things help me a lot. Life hurts sometimes but I know God doesn’t give us more pain than we can bear, even though we feel at times out heart will bust. Thanks for listerning Cheers.
Good evening ladies,
I am not sure if reading these blogs are helping me or destroying me! as I wrote a few weeks back unlike many of your situations my husband had a one night stand. However as I also wrote I don’t feel that this makes it any different than any other infedelity situations. Cheating once is as bad as cheating 100 times to me. My husband too is very remorseful, sad, upset, blaming himself and is going to individual counseling and we are both in martial counseling. Here is where I am struggling 4 weeks since DDay. 1. We have only been married 6 months together for 5 years, I am young very attractive, successful, have never had any problems with finding boyfriends, there are no children involved so why am I staying why don’t I just leave? 2. I am 31 my husband is 28, his one night stand is 45 with 3 children and her one son is only 4 years younger than my husband, she is also married and extremely unattractive, no job, and honsetly my mother is better looking then her! so why why would my husband ever de-value ME and our relationship so much. His explanation was he liked feeling wanted, UMMMM excuse me I feel wanted every day by dirty old men it dosen’t mean I am going to hook up with them!!! I told him of course she wanted him he is young, and attractive, and not HER husband. I told him today, well go be with her and see how long she wants you sexually, I mean after all she will not only want him sexually eventually it will be financially, comfort, support, baby daddy ect, and trust me her sexual attention for him will fade when real life happens and he can’t pay her bills, and take care of her kids. It’s not just the fact that my husband cheated on me but he did it with a women old enough to be his mother, I am not trying to sound like a snot but he hooked up with someone who has so much less to offer then me! I guess I am just having a bad day, it took everything I had today to not e-mail her husband or her 23 year old son and tell them what a whore she is! It just drives me crazy that she is continuing living her life, and I am devastated in mine. I hope I still have the strenght tommorrow to not send the e-mail, after all I am a logical person and I know sending the e-mail will do me no good and will just cause drama, and I hate drama. But thanks to my lovely Husband my whole life is now filled with drama, angre, and sadness. I told my therapist yesterday I just want something to look forward too, and the only advice he could give me was that each day it will get better, well I am sorry Doc but it’s not, I just feel like I am learning to cope with this new reality, I have found I am an amazing actress, and can still keep a 3.9 GPA while taking 18 credit hours, and working. My mother keeps telling me how strong I am, but I just feel so weak. I am literally just going through the motions so that the rest of my life dosent fall apart. It just seems like every task is as hard as moving a mountain. I hope I can over come this regardless if I stay in this marriage or leave. And I also hope all you women can too! It’s a very sad club we have all been inducted to without choice, but I am happy to say I find comfort writing here!
I need your help ladies I was looking at H emails and he has set up a new accout with google I can’t see his user name anybody know how I can find out his email address? I need some PI out there!I gotta know if he’s up to know good which I’m sure he is if he’s making new accounts! Help
Hi, Lelwel I feel your pain but you know what?…. it does get a lot better with time. I didnt believe my councillor at the time as I was so angry and 2 yrs down the tract I still feel some anger but nowhere like it felt at first. Hurts so bad I know and no one can ever know how we feel inside. Keep busy get out and go for a long walk everyday works wonders. What hurts bad to is your spouse sleeping with someone that is down from our standard. I know that from experence. The guy my wife is with is everything she didint like in a man. Like drinker, short than her, no money, had 2 wives before,no fun, boring to talk to and not that handsome either. All makes us feel ugly I know but it gets better believe me sweetie. Hope you are feeling better each day, I pray you do. Cheers
Tina- Men tend to be creatures of habit. Are there any old nick names he used to use or old passwords that you know? Try his name with the year he was born or his age after it. Try that with first and last and then with first only. The best way, but it will cost you almost $100, is to install a key logger on his computer. Get one with stealth so that it is invisible to him. It will record everything that he types and every message (email, IM, facebook, etc). You’ll see it all. Make sure that you install it right after he leaves for work so that you have hours to have tech support take you through getting past any firewalls or virus programs that might detect it. For me right now, it wouldn’t matter. You can’t use the info in court and you can’t tell him how you found out (if he”s vengeful he could get you in trouble) but at least you’d know. Him having a email I can’t see is a deal breaker. Good luck.
@ WishIcouldbenormal-thanks for the tips I have tried every nick name ect I can think of and that’s really all I want it for is my lawyer I’m done being made a fool of he is never gonna change its time I accecpt that don’t know what else to do but if he’s opening new accounts then he has something to hide what is stupid is I have his passwords to his other email and he’s dumb enough to leave that he opened a new one on his email! What an idiot!
I am glad and sad that I stumbled across your website today. I say this because for the past few days I was coping and now I am must again face the overwhelming feeling of being dead inside, disrespect, remorse and hurt. I never faced the fact that my then boyfriend and now husband had been cheating on me for 9 years. To the world I am a strong, smart, vibrant professional woman that lives a golden life with her kind, loving, and totally handsome husband. A lot has been great and a lot has gone wrong throughout our relationship and I just realized that I covered it up, fooled myself into believing that I got over it and only told one friend half of what was going on. I use to tell my husband the 80% of him is great but that damn 20% can kill a relationship. The first time he cheated I found myself waiting all night outside of his brother’s house when he and a woman came out and she got into a cab. I cornered the cab with my car and begged the women to tell me what happened and she (the hooker) finally did. I was mortified and severely crushed. He ran back into the house and locked the door. I banged on the door for 2 hours claiming I wanted the access key back for my apartment but I just wanted to see his face and ask why. He finally opened the door and he apologized and cried like I have never seen anyone cry before. Although I was numb unbelievable I felt sorry for him. Well 2 weeks later we got back together and I now know that I subconsciously bottled my feelings all up. Throughout the years when he cheated the heartbreak feelings and the inability to breathe would come back and again I covered it up. Well last year I started to turn on my husband and everything he did or didn’t do just annoyed me. I began to hate him and resent all of the love, care and respect I have given him. I noticed he just wasn’t progressing in life so I suggested we get checked out for AD/HD. Ding, Ding, and Ding. He is totally ADD, AD/HD and OCD. His cheating episodes were all impulsive and that’s why they made no sense to me or him. Now that he is on medication he is depressed about all that he has done to me and even confessed everything. He asked that we seek couple and individual counseling because he doesn’t want to lose me and painfully regrets that he has caused me so much pain and damaged the wonderful women I am. He also sees his whole life now and feels worthless and really has no self confidence at all and gets depressed. He even told his parents (an artist and a pastor) about the cheating. They were devastated as well. He is so lost right now. I also found out that I am AD/HD but I am not impulsive in that way. I am also on holistic vitamins and meds and all of the hurt that I felt through the years have hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember and feel EVERYTHING!!!! I am way way too focused. I stayed in a hotel room by myself for a couple of days and just cried and mourned who I thought I was and who I pretended he was and the loss of the last 9 years of my life. I am now in the angry and I don’t care stage. I feel so stupid for trying to make it work all these years. I always knew there was something else wrong with him because of the way he always deeply and honestly loved me. But now I am resentful and right now I feel that he’s not that special to me anymore and that I apparently have had undetected self esteem issues all along. I love him and support him but I don’t care or want to put the energy into help fixing him. Instead I feel trapped and confused because part of me feels I should stay with him while we both recover from life and find out who we are. My Therapist and Psychiatrist say that it’s going to take a lot of time to truly heal but I am tired of hurting and want to feel better now. Heck it’s almost been 10 years with almost 3 years actually being married with me waiting for him while being his collateral damage. I love him deeply but I feel I’ll never trust or respect him again regardless of his disability. Thanks for your time and I just started reading your book!!
Hey Aussie,
Yeah I know it will eventually ease it just sucks that all I can do is wait for time to pass. I am keeping myself very busy, I have no choice I am in school full time and work. I am a runner and have done several marathons so I am running almost daily. It just seems like no matter what I do I can’t get my mind off it. Sleeping has become almost non-exsitant. My therapist is anti-medication, but keeps telling me maybe I need a sleeping aid. I am just not keen on taking any type of medication. As far as the one-night stand my husband had I do feel like I will eventually get over it and move on, the question lies will I move on with him or without him? If HE had the choice it would be with him, but I am not so convinced I want that. I am just disgusted that my husband would be attracted to someone of such low quality. He obviously dosen’t have the morals I do and I am not sure if that is negotiable. That is the part he dosen’t understand. I hold myself to a certain standard of morals and ethics, and I believed the man I married also did this played a large role in my marrying him, actually probably the biggest role in my descion. So here is where my dilema takes place, do I stay with him because I did take my vows seriously, or do I leave because I obviously entered this marriage under false pretences of the man I was marrying. It’s all so confusing I know I am still too angry to make a educated decsion, I just wish this process would speed up so that I can move forward one way or the other! And by the way Aussie, I am also very sorry for what has happend to you. Men are dumb when it comes to infedilty, however I feel women can be much more cruel, mean and manupultive, they usually push blame on their spouses ( I can’t imagine what I would have done if my husband said it was my fault). Any cheating situation regarldess if it’s a wife or a husband is never the fault of anyone except the person who had committed the act!!!! My advice to cheaters is get a set and tell your spouse your feelings BEFORE YOU CHEAT, o and by the way before you confront them take a good long look at yourself and figure out if maybe you are the reason your needs are not being met! not your spouses!!!!
To Tina:
I understand the burning desire to know. Been there, done that, have T-shirt. However, I would caution you to check the laws of your state. Uless you were given the password or otherwise authorization to access that account, it could be considered illegal hacking and get you into legal trouble. Is he really worth going to jail for? Just check your state laws first. In my opinion, no skank is worth going to jail over, no matter how much you want to know. Please be careful. Do your research. Think rationally and level-headed. Their ilk is not worth the potential legal ramifications.
Tina- Ladygator is right about the legal side. I’m lucky, I have an out for that. When I agreed to not leave my husband agreed to give me the right to full access to all of his accounts and his cell phone. He did this in front of our pastor. I can even use anything I find in court because he gave me his full permission to “do whatever you have to, look at whatever you have to in order to make you feel safe again”. I have a witness so he can’t say I didn’t have his permission. You can bet I use it too.
WishIcouldbenormal and ladygator- I do have all his passwords and he’s told me I can check at any time but he’s opening a new acoount. He’s leaving tomorrow and will be in the same town as the OW and I just find it funny that he just happen to open a new email at this time. I find myself having those panic attacks and going crazy again not knowing if he’s going to see her. I hate this I hate feeling like a crazy person. I know I can’t stop him from cheating and it drives me nuts. He assures me he’s not but his word means nothing to me I just don’t trust him yet and sure that I ever will.
Tina,
Seriously, he is driving you crazy and he knows it. as long as you feel insecure about yourself…he can and will walk all over you, he’s doing it now. Confront him about the new account and if he denies it, well then you know he is lying. What would it take for you to say “I’ve had enough, I don’t deserve this drama”. I’m gonna tell you a lil something that took me a long time to figure out. After I found out about my H’s affair and confronted him with it, he was scared…he made a bunch of promises..blah, blah, blah. Now the OW and my exH worked together. I threwup everyday my H went to work, he refused to change his schedule and assured me that it was over but yet would not change his schedule to eas my pain. He new I was throwingup…he just told me to be strong and get over it and to trust him….hahah…trust, yea right. When she ended up pregnant and neither one would take a paternity test and both told me it was none of business and to F-off. That’s when I realized…I didn’t matter…he didn’t care how I felt….he ddin’t care that all this was driving me crazy…it was affecting my health mentally and physically, it was aweful. I remember standing up one morning after throwing up as he was pulling out of the driveway…I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw…I cried all morning, then I took a nap…when I woke up….I started packing, called my attorney…and decided that I had no idea what was gonna happen next but I did know that I didn’t wanna be crazy anymore. I lost 25lbs because of his bs and it didn’t phase him, that was my problem so he said, I just needed to be strong and move on. His affair had nothing to do with me and he didn’t feel any need to explain his actions to me. So, find what it is that will let you say you have had enough…either your gonna leave or he’s gonna change the way he behaves and make other women jealous of YOU, not you jealous of other women. Hang in there and I hope all works out for you one way or the other…none of this is easy.
Em- Thank u for your kind words it really helps. I too have been physically ill because of this I lost 30lbs I would go days without eating throwing up just the lining of my stomach and my bp was so high I thought I would pass out. The OW women also came up pregnant she had the baby in Dec. When I found out I threw up I’ve having a hard time with that he didn’t even have enough respect for me and his kids to be safe it makes me mad as hell! My H would tell me to get over it and that I was doing this to myself. He wouldn’t be able to handle another man touching his wife so why the hell do I have to! They just don’t get the depth of pain were going through. I don’t want to be crazy anymore I just want the past year to just go away! I wish they had a pill I could take to forget. I don’t cry as much now I’m just mad as hell!
I’ve been reading the last couple posts and I am feeling just as you women are. I too have lost about 30 lbs in the last three months over this. It has been 3 months since I have found out and this past week has been just as bad as the first. I am not sure why. I know that I have been extremely depressed and it is totally effecting the way I take care of my kids, which makes me more depressed because they are the only reason I kept pushing through the terrible times in this marriage for the past 8 years. I still can’t figure out why I have stayed. I know I love him, but I also hate him at the same time. Right now I guess all this has made me feel like I don’t deserve any better than this, even though I know somewhere inside I must know that I do. He has been trying in his own way, he has listened to all my crying and ranting, but he is a closed book now and won’t go back to why these things have happened. He told me he doesn’t want to disect it, he just wants to move on, too f-ing bad, I can’t move on and I am not sure I will ever be able to. Stupid things like songs on the radio, everytime he sits at his computer, when his phone rings, when he is in a bad mood, even when we are watching t.v. and a girl comes up, I wonder if he’s thinking how much she looks like one of them. I am so obsessed with making sure this doesn’t happen again that I can’t really live my life and get any better. I know I won’t ever be able to trust him again. Sorry guys, it has just been a really bad week. I really want to go see a counselor as my depression is getting worse. Do you guys recommend counseling even if he doesn’t go? If so, how much does it cost because I am not sure I could afford it.
HELP!!!
Rhonda,
Bless your heart, I know exactly how you feel. I didn’t leave my H because I didn’t love him, I left because he didn’t love me the way I loved him, I didn’t trust him and if he could not take the time to help get through this…the problem that HE brought into our marriage, then I didn’t have a marriage..I was already alone. My ex had uttered the, almost word for word, what your H has said to you.. I think most of us stay in the begining because we are blindedsided and not prepared at all, its not like any of them said “hey honey, I’m gonna start cheating on you today”. The reactions of the H will depend on how the future will go , whether you stay or go. They did this and they need to take responsibility to fix it. I think counciling is a good idea even if he doesn’t go, it will help you heal YOU. If he doesn’t want to go, well in my opinion he is not giving you 110% to rebuild what HE had broke. Check with your insurance company to see if they have any councelors in your preferred network. It will depend on who you go to on what the cost will be. Also, there are women’s shelters all over, they may also be able to steer you in the direction of some free counceling. Talking to your doctor may help to. I wish you the best ((hugs))…we all need them on days like this..I know.
Em, I feel like I should be paying you for the advice you have posted. Truly insightful and thank you for opening up and sharing. And I agree regarding the counseling. It is helping to heal me on so many levels. Insurance coverage tip for you, Rhonda: your plan may not cover marital counseling (mine doesn’t) but it likely does cover depression, a bona fide medical condition, which of course, we certainly suffer from depression over all this. Mine codes it as “depression treatment” which is not a lie so I at least get some of it covered (still have co-pays) but it does help.
Thank you ladies for the advice on counseling. I know that I need to go, but am scared of what I will find out about while I am there. As for the insurance……I know they could diagnose me with depression and insurance would cover some of it, problem is that our deductible is $8000 and we cannot afford that this year. Last year we used our deductible as I had my appendix burst with severe complications and surgery, during my husbands whole affair deal, anyways we can’t afford to take that hit again this year. Not very shocking that once again myself the mother who has held it all together for years has to sacrifice myself again for the sake of my family. Life just has to get easier some time right?
Tina,
I feel for you…I’ve been there and in someways I still am there. Is the baby his? I was never given the satifaction of knowing for if the baby in question is actually my ex’s…my gut says so and I have seen pictures via FB….the baby does resemble my youngests baby pictures and all my kids look alike. My gut is what I listen to, so far it has not let me down and I truely beleive that the baby is my ex’s, if it wasn’t then they would have no problem taking a test. The OW also told my ex that if it did turn out to be his, he was to have nothing to do witht the baby and he said that was fine, he didn’t want anything to do with the kid anyway….well, looks like they both just ratted themselves out there. I still love him in some ways and probably always will. Since the divorce he has pretty much made my life a target for his anger…constantly calling me names, threatening me, yelling at me, texting me about all the women that want him….and then when he’s lonely and depressed, that’s when the texts and calls about wanting to work it out and he will take me back and we can have a clean slate and start fresh. That is the biggest load of crap…I’m not the one that needs a clean slate, I didn’t do anything. Then it goes back to all the verbal and mental abuse again…bad mother, bad person, unforgiving, etc. In his eyes I don’t think I have ever done anythign right, except take care of him and be his doormat for a very long time.
Tina….you can do a background check on him, that is legal. You can also pay about 19.95 for records that will include cell numbers, addresses, and emails. You can also go back refresh your computer, which will return it to the way it was prior to him setting up his new accout, also when you sign up for gmail, they do ask for an alternate email to be able to send passwords to in the event that you can’t remember yours. Gmail also has an interactive feature that you can IM someone, chat and even call through gmail. If you google gmail, there will be some interesting insights for you. If he doesn’t delete his browsing history everytime he gets off the computer you can check the history…it will show where he has been online that day. I personally think all wives should take an IT course
. If you can’t figure it out…ask any neighborhood teenager to show you. I called my cell provider and got copies of my ex’s and OW activites…300 pages of it. I also called my internet provider to let them know I was having some “issues” with my computer, the tech support was very helpful 
. So, I set parent controls on the computer, tv, and cells 
he was not happy about that at all.
Em- he is doing all this on his computer at work. But I will catch him one day he will forget to erase his history on our home computer he always does! The OW women says its not his but yet when she found out she called my H to tell him she was pregnant bc she knew we were working things out if its not his why call she told him she wanted him to have nothing to do with the baby I’ve seen pic via fb and she looks just like him made me sick! I’m just waiting to get those papers in the mail from the state saying he has to pay child support. I know I can’t handle that I’m tired of me and the kids paying for his mistakes.Thanks for all the tips! Rhonda- my heart goes out to u we have all been there and are still there this is the worsrt pain ever! And YOU ARE worth more and desrve to have the best we did not do this our H did there the problem even though our first thought is what’s wrong with me. Go to counseling if u can it helps and do it for u not him! My therapist asked me if I wanted to bring my H in I told him NO this is for me I don’t give a F**k what he’s going through! U know my H told me the other day this wasn’t easy for him I wanted to punch him! Rhonda just plz know your worth it and deserve to be happy! I’m on anti depressent I’m sure I’m not the only one and it helps some it gets me through the day! Sending hugs your way and prayers keep ur head up! Oh and just wondering has anybody else just wanted to go out and cheat on there H it has crossed my mind.
Hi everyone!
. Just my thoughts hope it helps. Chin up girls your still alive when you can feel pain and thats the best thing to be alive dont you think? Cheers
For me antidepression meds was not my answer. I met a lady who is a nurse in a hospital and sees the effects everyday day what these drugs do to people. The doctor think these are the answers and dont see what it does in the end to us. My doctor put me on them and I felt ok but when we have a loss in our lives we have to grieve thats normal for us humans sadly. I went off them as hard as that was but I’m so glad I did because it gave me that chance to grieve. When I took them I found I couldnt think and seemed the world was dull. In fact I had more thoughts of ending it all when I was on them than off. I think it gave me the confidence to do such a thing . Thankfully I got off them with the help of my nurse friend. Maybe not for all of us but in my experence I’m glad I have grieved. The old saying I guess that we have to feel the pain before we can have the gain. Anyhow if you can’t get off them take as little as you can stand you will feel much better in the end I can assure you of that. Try exercise thats the answer . Dancing is the best think go get to it. Never know you might meet the man or woman that will ease your pain
I stayed. I’m 24yrs old. My husband and i have two kids together. We got married 11-11-201. I found out he had been cheating the first week of december. He had been sleeping with a girl he worked with two weeks before our wedding. She even came to our wedding party that night, slept in our bed and vomited all over it.. She gave us a gift card to JC Penny as a wedding gift, one that we used to go get family pictures. All of this happened before i found out. I went through is phone to look at photos, i found one of a female coworker in her underwear and bra. After that i couldn’t let it go that something was going on between them. He lied about why he had it, said she needed a friend she could trust or some bullshit. About two weeks later i discovered that his phone has delivery reports. it shows the first line of each text he’s sent/ i went back and found a bunch of messages where he’s calling her baby and sweetie. I woke him up and told him WTH is going on. He said that they been meeting and they would just touch each other. I called him out on it saying i saw texts that said you miss the sex or me? and he came clean. I told him to call her that minute and tell her what happened. he promised that he wouldn’t talk to her or see her ever again. we been trying to work through it. Two weeks ago i went back through phone records, i saw her number pop up again in January. I told him about it. He said he called her to find out how she’s been and if anyone at work thought anything, i made him quit his job, he didn’t like that or having to stop talking to her apparently. So we fought about that and he says he did it because i wouldn’t stop looking, that i wouldn’t just trust him and so he wouldn’t give me something to find. We kept working at it. he promised there was nothing else. swore it up and down. Two days ago i decided to check an email he barely uses. I looked in the sent folder and i find emails between them from when they were calling each other in January. They were love letters to each other, i wish i could be with you, the days go by so slow, i want to be your lover still, i bet i could make you fall in love with me, sweetie, baby.. all that stuff. It broke my heart. The whole time since i found out he told me it was just about the sex, there were no feelings, no emotions, that he didn’t miss her or want her or any of that. And now i don’t know how to feel about it. He’s always telling me that if i had just trusted him he wouldn’t have done it. I feel like my whole marriage is a lie. How could he stand up there and speak his vows to me knowing what he had done, knowing what he was doing. How could he say our wedding day is that important to him, but it wasn’t important enough to stop what he was doing. How could he wake up the next day and be in her arms. I wasn’t there because i had a class to go to. I’m crushed. He’s wants forgiveness already. He said that he’s been good for that past month, that i didn’t need to know the details of the emails or anything about what happened between them, just that it did. He has that attitude that if that’s what you think of me already then that’s what i’ll do. He admits he was wrong of that, that he shouldn’t have been like that because it just hurt me. I told him he had no right to ask for trust right away and he knows that now. But how do i believe him that he’s trying NOW when in the past two months that i thought he was trying he wasn’t? All i asked from him was 100% honesty 100% of the time, and for him to never contact her again. Neither happened. and i don’t know what to do..
Hello Everyone,
I read everyone’s comments sorry I can not respond to them all, but I am thinking about you and wishing you happier days…..
Jes – your story reminds me of something I heard Oprah say, which is when someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time. He is showing you over and over again what type of person he is, believe him. Him telling you that the reason he is doing it is because you keep digging – is a cop out that cheaters say, it’s lame and it is not true at all, so do not beat yourself up over it. I know your heart is so torn up over this, just being married with two kids. But here is the thing, most of the women on this site would love to be in your shoes and find out at 24. You have your whole life ahead of you. I am not telling you to stay or leave, but do not think because you have two kids that no one will want you, that is not true at all. I guess what I am saying is that you have options. Lastly, always remember to never go by what he says, always make decisions off of his actions.
Used to Be Happy – Read what you wrote again, you are making progress, meeting with the lawyer, moving out. Those are steps, and guess what, action and decision is a better state than indecision, any day. May sure you take time to recognize the progress you have made, it might not be how you wanted it to go, but nonetheless it is progress, you are not where you were a month ago.
Rhonda – no one can answer that for you as if you should stay or leave, you are the only one that knows the entire situation, and you must decide. I think your confidence has been shattered by this (very common) and so you are questioning and doubting your thoughts. Take some time and listen to your voice and what it tells you. Don’t try to force either way, just listen and relax, the answer is probably right in front of you, but if you are too tense and too anxious, you will not be able to hear and believe your own voice. And trust me, you want the decision to come from within, if it comes from someone else, you will have a more difficult time dealing with the decision. And trust that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you and your family. And…yes – counseling for you regardless of what he does, you have a journey of healing that takes place weather you stay or leave the marriage.
Murphy – I do agree that you have a lot of resentment. I had that same feeling, and the feeling came from putting his needs before mine over and over again. Once I started to say, hey, my needs are important as well, let me do things for ‘me’, it was uncomfortable at first, I felt ‘bad’ for doing it, but I realized that I can in no way be in a position to help or love someone if I can take care of me first. It was a shift in mentality and once I did that, the resentment was no longer an emotion, because I was putting myself first, no need to resent him for anything.
Aussie guy – Hello! I loved the comment about dancing, it is very fun and uplifting.
Having a really tough morning my H went out of town and that’s where the OW lives he wasn’t even out the driveway and I’m pucking I hate being like this I hate the person he has made me! He told me u have to trust me. Really!! If it was that easy I wouldn’t be going through this. What is wrong with me I worry more about what he’s doing than my own sanity! I honestly feel like a crazy person. He didn’t even have to go he could have waited for me and the kids to go with him but instead he chose to go instead of easing my pain. Its been 9mth since he had any contact with her that I know of and this is still torture! Why can’t I get past this? I find myself snapping at strangers and they did nothing wrong I can’t seem to get my emotions under control and I hate it! I’m turning into a b**ch! I saw this saying the other day ‘The karma of screwing over a good women is the b**ch you end up with ‘ That’s me!
Tina,
Know that you are not alone in what you are feeling. I feel the same way today and everday. It’s been 3 months for me and I am telling you I still feel the exact same way that you do. My two little girls watched me cry for the last two hours and I felt awfull because even though he has had no contact with the OW I said the same thing that you did. I am so worried about what he is doing and making sure he doesn’t screw up that I can’t get my own head straight. It is ruining my relationship with my kids, my friends, and my family as none of them know what has happened here. I don’t want pity from people, I just would like understanding and I thank you all for that. So Tina, you are not alone, you are not crazy, because I feel everything that you said to a T.
Tina and Rhonda- Even though it probably feels to you like you’ve been in this mess for a long time your situations are actually quite fresh. I can’t say that there is a magic time frame for things to be normal again. I can’t even say that that day ever really comes (this my nickname) but I can give you the hope that if your husband’s are really committed to repair the damage and doesn’t keep doing damaging things that it will get better. I am a little over a year past d-day and it is a lot better than it was at the point you are at. I still have bad days and triggers. Like you Tina, I feel like this has changed me in ways that I don’t at all like. But it is no where near as horrible as it was last year. The focus on his activities is normal. I still check his email and his phone activities although I know from my situation that as long as he knows I’m looking he would not use anything I know about. He would get an email I don’t know about and a pre-paid phone that he could use at work and would leave it there so that I wouldn’t find it. That’s my personal hell. I know that he is sneaky enough to get it past me. My calming fact is my faith. I KNOW God showed me what was going on before. Things that I never thought to check came to my mind without any outside sources. So, I’ve prayed that if I try to fix this mess that is my marriage that God would have my back and hand me the information I need if he is doing it again. That is my source of sanity in the insanity that has become my life. I hope that you both can find some relief from the pain that you are in.
Blessings to you both.
Hi all,
I’m confused today as my wife turned up on my doorstep yesterday after she called me by phone and asked if I was available to sign some share documents to do with the the property settlement, which by the way could of been done through my lawyer. She asked if we could meet for coffee some place and I said you know where I live why not come have coffee here. The conversation ended with I’ll see. She said a time and kept to it even though I thought all along she would pull out. Anyhow she came at which I felt very awkward, it was pleasent and talked about things other than her affairs. We walked in my garden which I’m very proud of and had the coffee. As I was making the coffee she had a look through the house even heard a few cupboards open and shut I let her be. She became emotional about some of the furniture which was my half after settlement. She stayed for maybe 45 mins as she had to take her mother someplace. As she left I gave her a hug maybe just to see if I felt anything for her still. She hugged back and said look after yourself. I said I have to because I’m the only one that will. She just smiled at me. I just felt saddness big time that after 40 yrs married this Oct and 4 yrs before that we have to end our lives like this. I’m 60 and she is 59 and this is the time we worked all those years together to have some time together without working . So sad but life will get better I’m sure. Isnt it funny, well not so funny, that you can live with a person all your life and not really get to know them? Beats the heck out of me. Question for you girls, Whats she up to? I think maybe she regrets whats she has done , maybe her relationship isnt going as planned, but how the hell can we fix it from here, stuffed if I know if it can ever be fixed. Cheers
Tina and Rhonda – Like you I am having a bad week, and as WishIcouldbenormal says your situations are quite fresh. A time frame, I thought there was one and thought I was starting to heal, or course until last weekend when I found out he was at it all over again. I completely lost it and the sense of total panic set in and feeling like I was in a cell trapped in this torture. Once again I am this crying, frightened wreck, so know where you are coming from. I only found out because one brave person thought I should know, all “our” friends will know as they live and work with him, I have no access to his phones, emails or such like as he works in a different country and is only here from time to time, guess I am very lucky that I do not have it in my face every day like you ladies do, just cannot believe how easy it is for him while I sit here like the good dutiful wife. Now I am focusing on getting my head straight again, this is the hard part, and think of myself and what this is doing to me both physically and mentally, and once again trying to find that space where I start to think of myself and find myself. This time around is harder, that I have realised this week, but know that I have to do it and not allow this cruel person to overcome the person that I am, I am back to getting through each hour without crying, shaking and getting myself into a panic and if I can get through this weekend without wanting to run and hide it will be a step forward. So have faith, be strong and know that somewhere, somehow we are going to make it and we will come through wiser and stronger.
Michelle go ballroom or any sort of dancing it will do you wonders. I have seen some people me included from tears to smiling in 10 minutes when they dance. If you think you can’t dance your kidding yourself. Get yourself some lessons its wonderful. Its the meeting new people , the music, not to mention the brain and body exercise. You will be surprised how many are in the same boat as us. Dance like there is no tomorrow. I’ll be disappointed if you say you can’t girl. Cheers
No one is home today must be off dancing :0) You know what? The money I spent on going to marriage counciling would of been a whole lot more encouraging ,cheaper and heaps more fun going to dance lessons and social dances. Nothing better than to talk to people who have been through the same and there are lots of them who go dancing. They know the pain and the advise is free better still. Sorry girls I keep harping on but its all true. Hugs to you all.
Thanks Jewel, I understand what you’re telling me and i appreciate your advice. I’ve been telling him that he needs to prove that i can trust him and believe his words, not just have blind faith. He does understand that. He says he made a mistake with those emails and he won’t leave me. That he’s never stopped loving and he’s never loved her. While i love hearing that from him ita hard to just swallow. He understands that too. He’s apologized that he’s made things harder for me and us by being such a jerk.
But and update for today, its a small achievement but still I’ll take what i can get. We slept in all morning today, we’ve been doing every weekend now. When we got up he asked if i checked his phone, for once i didn’t (yay me) lol, but he only asked because he had a missed call from the OW. Also a text from her apologizing for the call saying it was an accident and she was going to delete his number from her phone. He told me about it right away, he didn’t text get back and i told him i appreciated it. And i really do.
I realize i was upset when typing my previous post, even though he’s made those mistakes after i caught him he’s also done little things for us. He did quit because i wanted him to. When I’m able he stays on the phone all day with me while I’m at work. He takes me to work and our son to school and stays home with our daughter everyday. I dont want to sound like I’m protecting him but i also want him to be fairly judged(?) i guess. He says he was in a dark place too and he felt like there was no hope for us, but he knows that doesn’t excuse what we’ve done, he just wishes we are in a better place than we are right now.
Well, I guess it was bound to happen. I’ve been told by close friends and my therapist to prepare for it. But how do you know what you don’t know? The place I have chosen to live during my trial separation is a few blocks from our house – a house that we designed and built together. Our house is on in a residential-agricultural area on 2.5 acres – the house being on a 1 acre parcel, and my pasture and horse barn on the remaining adjacent parcel. Although I don’t own horses at the moment (used to), I have two boarders so I go by and check the barn every day as well as take care of my small flock of hens (fresh eggs are the best!). I can see our house from the property. This evening when I was there taking care of my chores, I couldn’t help but notice it appeared my H was preparing for some sort of cookout with friends. Loading up the coolers on the back patio with ice. People starting to gather. Jeeezus H Christ, I’ve only been out of the house since Feb. 11 and he’s entertaining? In the last few years, I haven’t been able to get him off the recliner and about had to surgically remove the remote from his hand. The few times I’ve been over there since leaving, the man who could not even put a dish in the dishwasher has been keeping the place spotless. I even notice he bought potting soil and potted some plants in the front. The man has never potted a thing in his life. Anyway, I was flooded with an emotion that I don’t even know how to describe – which made me very unnerved because how can I process an unfamiliar emotion? It wasn’t sadness, it wasn’t the same feeling I had when I had found out about his affairs, it was something completely unfamiliar. I felt like I was a stranger and an outsider in what once was a familiar territory. Of the people that I did see, I did recognize, but I was flooded with thoughts of who is there that I don’t know? What is he telling him about why I am not there? (I have not disclosed my separation to anyone except my brother, my best friend, my counselor and my attorney – retained just to be safe). If he is telling people I left, I am pretty sure I will be made to look like the pariah. Because of my protection of him over all these years, most people think he’s this “great guy” who would never cheat on me, is so nice, what a catch, la la effing la. I feel cheated out of my moral vindication. I know I don’t need public moral vindication to be happy and move on permanently if that is what I choose to do, but I still wanted it just the same. Maybe I still can someday, but after watching what my mother went through (she was physically and verbally abused for 20 years and covered it up under pressure from our church), when she finally disclosed it, no one believed her and many still don’t to this day and have broken all ties with her for propagating such lies. I always vowed that I would not become a battered woman, but I fear that I have, just in a different way. Aussie guy, I think I kinda know how you feel. Strange and trying to figure out what these mixed messages are because we have been having civil, pleasant conversations, and then on the other hand, he seems to be moving on rather quickly without me. Anyway, I guess I am not really looking for answers from you all, because there may not be one. I more or less needed to get this off my chest because what happened tonight so totally rattled me. However, insights are always welcome if anyone has any.
I need answers. Ladies, is anyone experiencing the kind of behavior I am going to tell you about? My husband cheated 8 years ago. I found out 6 months ago. I’ve decided to stay, swallow my pride, and take care of myself.
However, my husband is crazier than ever. Why is he so angry all the time and constantly jumping down my throat? He is the one that cheated. I was the one who was betrayed. He was very happy when I didn’t know about it.
Now I am starting to see a different man than the one I knew for 42 years.
Is it because I now have one over on him? Is it because I now know that he is not honest and a cheater? Is it because I wear my heart on my sleeve and he has been hiding his true feelings? I never know how to respond to him. If I say hum, hum, he thinks I am ignoring him. If I give my opinion, then he questions or says I knew you would say that in angry matter. Nothing I say or do is right. But, before I knew about this affair he was fine. Didn’t pick on every little thing. And I know this affair is over because we are together all the time. We no longer work. But he is so angry all the time. Is it because I found him out? I am at my wits end trying to makes sense of all this craziness!
Ladygator- you are a bigger woman than I am because if that had been me I would have thought of something I needed from the house, went right in the middle of his little party, and when asked why I wasn’t staying would have replied “oh, he didn’t tell you? We’ve been separated since I found out about his affairs?” Nope, would not have done for him to blatantly act as though he was moving on. He wouldn’t be living in my house either. He would have been the one to leave. Like I said, I give you props for being a bigger woman.
Joan- It is because you found out. When my husband got caught he acted like he was demon possessed. He tried to make me think I was crazy and imagining the whole thing. When that didn’t work he got hateful. He didn’t like being exposed. He doesn’t like anyone to see what he can sink to. He thinks that he isn’t guilty unless people know. He’s good at manipulating people so that they think what he wants. As far as he was concerned I was blowing his reputation just because it wasn’t a secrete any more when the reality was that he was the one that ruined it not me. He is picking at everything you do to make himself feel better. When he does this you should look him in the eyes and calmly say “I am sorry that my finding out about your affair has made you feel bad about yourself but I’m not responsible for that you are. I’m not going to allow you to make be feel bad about myself just so that you can make yourself look better so you need to stop treating me the way you have been. It isn’t helping repair the hurt you’ve caused.”
Hi all, Ladygator I think he keeps the house tidy to impress you if you happen to come visit. I know I did that when my wife left. I wanted her to see it how she left it and that I still loved her. It’s too hard to fall out of love isn’t it when we have loved a person for so long. Can’t speak for your H but I think he still loves you. Prob the entertaining might be just for you to see and make you jealous. It’s working isn’t it?
If I was you I’d move house further away so you can’t see eachother so much. He just wants you to know your giving up a good one. Can only hope my wife feels the same as you. It all might be a matter of the devil you know its a jungle out there believe me. Take care.
REALLY AUSSIE GUY? He wants to make her jealous? Wants her to know she’s giving up a good one? She moved out and they are separated; I kinda think that shows she’s jealous (at least in the sense that she doesn’t want him cheating) . To repeat: she moved out of the house; this pretty much shows that she knows exactly she’s giving up. Am I missing some kind of inside humor because I’m having a trigger day or what? I bet she’d be more impressed if he’d start thinking with the organ between his ears instead of the one between his legs.
Wow, don’t know where all of that hostility came from. Nothing personal. Think you just triggered something else. Egad!
Hi again sorry for upsetting you but I’m just making a point that he is pressing her buttons. We all get jealous and angry when you think the other has moved on. I think he is making it feel to her its her fault for moving out. All too sad I know that, been there done that. Sorry again. Cheers
Like I said, it’s not you. No need to apologize. I’m not even her and it pushed my buttons. I think one of my sore spots is still the fact that after my husband told me he was divorcing me I only told my kids (who live here but are grown) and my siblings because I was a stay at home mom with no income. I was in a panic about how I was going to keep my home and pay my bills.
He, on the other hand, told all of his friends and family that WE had agreed to divorce because of “irreconcilable differences”. And started to plan a life without me, complete with taking his relationship with his best friend’s whoring wife from long distance to physical. He’s family was angry at both of us for wanting a divorce after 28 years of marriage. They had no idea. He said all kinds of things behind my back and only corrected himself with his brothers because I demanded it. He never told his friends the truth. They still think I’m an evil *itch.
If he ever does this again no one will have to wonder what happened. They will know because I won’t let my reputation do a nose dive to protect his again. Yep, I’m triggering. Sorry for the rant.
Good to vent let it all out. I used to go down the paddock and scream till I couldnt anymore. Made me feel a little better but did my throat get sore. I believe things in life happen for a reason. Hard to work out at the time but we will know down the track a bit. I’m feeling much better about my future as I have a whole lot of new friends. Some of my old ones didn’t support me so they would be a waste of time now. You are normal even if your name says your not . Try the dancing I assure you it will be the best thing you done. Here we go again about DANCING grrrrr I can hear you all say .Cheers
We moved here 4 years ago. I have no friends so my only contact with the outside world is work and Facebook . I can’t even go to church because I have to work every Sunday. The isolation has made it harder to deal with and the friends I have from the state I moved from are angry at me because I didn’t leave my husband. They have kind of snubbed me because they think I’m foolish. Maybe I am…but I wanted to be able to look at myself in a mirror and know I did everything I could to save our marriage. If he does it again he won’t even be able to say that I had a part in making that bad much less say I caused the affair.
Long day…Feel like I’m a fireworks factory and someone has been lighting firecrackers all day. Some days I worry they get too close to the bigger stuff if you know what I mean.
No grrrrr here just >sigh<
Quote….Any other setting that one might find dancing would not be appropriate for a married woman to be in alone.
Your seperated and even if you were married its no harm to go dancing alone I know plenty of women who do. Your going dancing not to an orgy. Cheers
Aussie Guy, I would love to be able to say he keeps the house tidy because I was such a good housekeeper and he wanted to impress me. Truth be told, prior to me moving out, we had a housekeeper come a few times a month which I was helping to pay for. Sad to say, I think he is doing it because he’s too cheap to pay for it even tho he can more than afford it. I had texted him that evening which he did not answer. It wasn’t until late the following day he took the time to text me that the washing machine broke and that he spent hours fixing it. Cry me a river. That’s ok. I made him wonder in return. I didn’t answer him until late Saturday – let him wonder what I was doing. At that point, I simply asked him point blank and he said he had work buddies over (I believe him because I of those that I did see, I recognized) for a cookout, some beers and a cigar. Went on about how he needed a nice relaxing evening, la la la. I simply said “That’s good. I had a nice, fun day too.” Stew on that. WishICouldBeNormal, you’re right. I would be more impressed if he’d starting using the organ between his ears and figure out that he’d have more of a chance of impressing me by going to counseling than throwing parties, if he has that much time on his hand. I am just sitting back and seeing where his priorities lie. And in addition to Aussie Guy’s comments about dancing, I would like to add that martial arts is also a great diversion. I study Krav Maga and was doing quite well until I had a series of surgeries over the last 2 years that has prohibited or limited me from participating. But I hope to be back at it. It left me feeling so empowered and it’s an unbelievable workout. And the interaction with the other students was great.
WishIcouldbenormal – I know exactly how you feel about the going out by yourself. I am also in a place where I have no friends, lost all mine thanks to him, they are in a situation where they all work for him so can understand. He has even said to me that it is not appropriate for a married woman to go out anywhere alone, so here I sit, dutiful and obeying whilst he carries on where he lives with the OOOW as I am totally dependant on him at this stage. This site is where I get to talk when I feel I can and am not dealing with one new hell after another with him, also does’nt help that I am extremely shy, so do know how you feel. Also know about the firecrackers being lit and the bigger stuff, think we all have those days, but they do pass. I at least woke up today and didn’t cry, even have managed to breath easy today, it is now just over a week since I found out that he was at it all over again, and am trying really hard to get back on track. Heal yourself first the rest will come with time. You will know when you are ready to go out and find something, be it dancing or a group you can join. I think it is easier for men (no offence Aussie guy) to get out there, people look down on women and judge far quicker than you realise.
Yep hard to do I agree. It’s hard for guys too. I drove 45 minutes each way 3 times to go dancing only to get there and couldn’t get myself to go in. Maybe I’m a sook on the inside. But still glad I had the balls to do it in the end. So grow some balls girls
You will be ok no one bites. Cheers
Ha Ha LOL, I’m not separated, I’m just over the one year “fixing it” mark. I’m also in a very small southern town. Believe me when I say no where appropriate. As for the balls….I have a well developed spine but can do without the balls. Hope you have a blast though. You’re a hoot and good for a smile. Thanks!
Tar U 2
So my husband and I went away for a night by ourselves. First time the two of us spent time alone together without kids in 5 years. I am 3 months after finnding out and trying very hard to get over this. I spent most of the night crying and the next morning also. Is that a sign? All I could think about during dinner was did he ever take her out anywhere. Their affair was just an emotional one, but it lasted for a year. The pain of knowing that the person you love and thought loved you was in love with someone else is like death. I could not concentrate on enjoying the evening with him at all. He fell asleep and woke up when I was crying to comfort me a little and fell asleep again. The next morning he got up early and showered, I woke up without him in bed and started crying again. This crying has been non-stop for the last week. It is worst than the first week I found out. I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate, I am sick to my stomach all day long. Am I doing the right thing? I question every little thing I am doing and every thing he is doing or saying. I have no trust or belief in him what so ever. There has been no contact with the OW, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking that he has come up with other ways to do it. I know he is becoming fustrated with this behaviour of mine, and has in a way shut down, but I can’t control this feeling of loss I have. Please anyone I need some advice. Am I doing the right thing. Should I be with him right now when it seems so painful to just have a regular conversation with him. Should I ask him to leave and give me some time? What do I do? I also want to know if I should be telling people about what he did and why I am the way that I am. The only person that knows is my cousin and my mom and they would never say anything to him. I am so lost………….and confused………..and destroyed………HELP!!!
Hi Michelle you wrote … I think it is easier for men (no offence Aussie guy) to get out there, people look down on women and judge far quicker than you realise.
Tell ya what why worry what people think . I go by the old saying “It’s none of my business what people think of me”. It’s so true when you come to think of it. Not many spend too much time thinking bad about others I know I don’t. Who cares what I think anyhow. Cheers
Feeling for you Rhonda . My best advise is give it time. Everyone told me that in the beginning but I thought it was a standard answer because everyone didnt know the answer so they said that. But time does heal but my heart still bleeds at times . Think the trouble is we know our past was a safe place but we don’t know our future. I found it was like seeing a brick wall in front of me too hard to climb so I had to make foot holes day by day in the wall so I could climb it. Havn’t got to the top yet but I can see I’m getting there and you will too. Hugs Rhonda sound like you need it. Cheers
Did anyone else’s H publically whore himself out online? Am I the only one? I am so pissed off right now. I’ve had a really bad night.
He is remouseful, apologetic and we even went the therapy together. He swears up and down that he’s told me everything. There’s nothing left.
Well, I found more last night. His famous answer: I don’t remember. That’s his answer for everything! He says that he’s told me that what he has admitted to is what he remembers, that he would tell me if he could remember it all. Bullsh*t! My response is that it’s a conveniet crutch for him to fall back on: Whatever I find he doesn’t need to claim deceit because he didn’t “remember”; Whatever I don’t find he doesn’t need to confess to because he doesn’t “remember”.
Well Ladies, I made the deicision to leave and I told him so. He’s a great dad and I told him that I want him to help me raiseour daughter, that he is not to date while she is young and when she’s older (starts school) he can go his merry way with whatever other pathetic cyber whore he finds. He has agreed. I am moving back to my home country as well.
To tell ya’ll the truth: part of me wanted to work it out for our daughter, part because I am afraid of being alone, part because I will NEVER trust another man again and don’t want to be alone. But, I’ve come to the conclusion that being with him is not worth the risk of my sanity, self-esteem and enjoying my child’s motherhood. I may be alone for the rest of my life, but I’ll be happy and free from feeling like I have to be super-spy. I will work on the trusting men issue for my daughter’s sake, but that’s it. I am done with him! He’s a selfish assh*le that wants to keep his secrets at the expense of his family. He can have them! I only imagine what else he’s hiding, because I know there’s more (and even more damaging) if he’s willing to keep what I’ve found a secret.
*Another note: If you respond to me, please keep “God” out of your answer. Not everyone appreciates it. Thank you.*
There is no other answer but God I’m sorry. I was angry at him too but learned real quick its a lonely world out there without him. You will trust again just not right now. I will also trust but will learn by my mistakes.
Rhonda- I think you went for that night away too soon. The crying is worse because at first you were in shock. The shock is wearing off and the grief is starting. As bad as it feels you need to let yourself feel it any way. Your life as you knew it died the day you found out. You need to grieve that loss. The good news is you didn’t die with it and you will have another one to replace it. It will feel like an uphill battle (like aussie guy’s wall) but there is a new stronger you on the other side. Don’t worried about your husband losing patience with you. That might just be how it feels to you but even if it’s not he has no right to be anything but patient and supportive if he wants to be with you. I may prick is conscience, it may hurt to know he hurt you so much, but that’s good for him. It will reinforce the truth that he doesn’t live in a bubble where he gets to do what he wants without affecting others. If he truly loves you it will burn an image in his mind that he never wants to live through again.
As for telling other people you need to have support but you really want to limit who you tell if you are going to stay together. I’ll give you a few reasons for that. Certain people, especially those who really care about you, will not be supportive of your decisions. Those people will press for what they think you should do, not just give they opinion but actively push you toward what they want you to do. Then if you don’t do it their way many of those people will become a new source of pain for you. Two, you and your husband are in a very vulnerable place right now. There are some people who would use that to make a play for one of you which would make things even worse. My husband’s affair started after he told his best friend’s wife we were having problems. She took that and ran with it until she almost destroyed my life. You telling the wrong person could give them an open to approach him or to take advantage of you while you are in such pain. Be careful who you tell.
That whole “it get’s better with time” thing is a pain to hear but it is true. Go easy on yourself and take it as slowly as YOU need it to go. (((hugs)))
aussie guy is right. The only answer to any healing from this is God. He is all that has held me together. He is the one who I look to for truth in the middle of all of the lies. He is the perfect one yet he loves me despite my flaws. He is the one who proved I have great worth, nothing could prove that more than what Jesus did for me on the cross. He is the one that let’s nothing in my life, not even this agony, go to waste. He will restore what I have lost or he will give me back much more. It doesn’t mean I sit back and do nothing. It means that as I take one shaky step at a time He will be there. No matter what happens I am never alone. When you feel you can trust no one else you can trust him. People fail but he is faithful.
Not meaning to preacher. Saying it to others reaffirms the truth to myself. Good way to start my day. I hope that you all have a wonderful day..
Aussie and Wish I could be normal
Thank you so much for the advice. My logical self says the same things that you guys do, I think it is just my heart that is keeping me in this place right now. I do understand that I have hit the complete grief stage. I cannot go 2 hours without crying. Thank you for answering me back. I am in such a dark place right now that your guys light gives me something to reach for. Let’s just hope I can keep reaching and not give up. Thank you again.
Rhonda — I read your post and feel your pain. I did “that night” only a month after my D-Day and while it started great — it ended where yours did — in tears. The pain is overwhelming — like someone punched you in the stomach. I used to roll on the floor praying to God to help me. How awful, right? That someone’s actions can destroy “you” as you know it. That is what is so heinous about it. And getting your sense of self back. I had to quit my stressful sales job — it was a great job — people thought I was nuts — but no one ever really knew the real reason. It was because I lost all confidence and self-esteem. I’m still not really there yet and it’s been almost one year. So we know your pain — hang in there — it will lessen with time. Mine was an EA as well — only three months — but they used the L word as well. How does that happen? Not sure — they are just not in a good frame of mind at that time. I still can’t get that answer — just that it was wrong and a bad reaction to stress in his life. Someone made him feel better about himself — and he did that with her — she was married as well. Grief is the hard stage — so is deciding whether to stay. I decided to stay because I do have feelings for him — but they have changed — that is what is hard — I don’t love to the fullest now — and probably never will again — I’m not guarded and will have trust issues. So — you are right to keep reaching and growing and not giving up. And hopefully your relationship will get better than ever. We can’t go back in time — and obviously, it wasn’t ideal. So this is the time to change it for the better. Hope you feel better.
Lydia,
No you are not the only one out there….mine just whored himself out to everyone and still does from what I hear. Online dating sites are one of his fav’s…just hooking up with everything…only thing they need is a heart beat. My exH also used the “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” excuse/response when confronted. There may be more out there that you don’t want to know about too. Everyday it seemed there was something else that came to light about his behavior….getting caught in lie after lie…more women, just a lot of crap and he would just say “I don’t know or I don’t remember”. It got to a point that he couldn’t even remember what he had told me because EVERYTHING was a lie. I took a step back adn realized that I didn’t even know this person, because the man that I married would have never done this to me and our children. He got lost and he still is lost. We have been divorced since April2012, he still tries to come back every now and then when he lonely, out of money, or just having a pitty party for himself. I am numb towards him, I get tired of always being yelled for everything, b*tched at for every little thing, he calls me names, threatens me with dumb stuff…..its crazy that this man that I loved for so long and would have done anything in the world for and did….except put up with cheating, I stayed for everything else, there was even rumors…but this time I had hard evidence. I don’t know him and really I’m not sure I wanna know someone who can be so hateful towrds someone that they supposedly love. It’s crazy!
Hi all a rainy day here today. Hope yours is better. Rhonda my feeling is for you to leave. Nothing will hit him harder than you to make a stand and leave for a month or two maybe even forever. If you let him get away scot free he will do it time and time again. He has to suffer for what he has done to you. He will never learn that he just can treat you this way. I know that it’s hard to leave I did it and know all about it, but we have to have pride in ourselves. Don’t worry what other people will think thats the least of our worries I think. He needs to be held accountable for what he has done and that might be letting others close to him know whats going on. You will get stonger each day and the greif will subside gradually . Its been over 2 yrs for me and even thought I still feel very sad at times I know I’m getting stronger. Why do people have to hurt others so badly just for a romp in the hay which never works out anyhow. Hugs all
Lydia:
My H uses the playing dumb technique. I feel like shaking him by the shoulders and saying “Really, you’ve known me for 20 years and you really think I am that stupid?” He’d play dumb on other things, not just the cheating, which I find insulting and disrepectful and mentally draining – how can you argue against stuff like that? Even in the one session he did attend with me with the counselor, she pegged it right away. Such a habit, he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. Finally one day I told him “if your memory is really that bad, I am going to make an appointment for you with a neurologist to see if there is something medically wrong. ” He just looked at me stunned.
If they only knew the the path of destruction that they leave in the wake of their actions….
Lydia, I am wishing you peace and strength in your decision to leave . I am fresh of that decision – less than 30 days out of the house, but I am not sorry. That is not to say it was, and isn’t a rollercoaster, but at the end of the day, I am still at peace with my decision and continue to just make decisions ODAAT. I still have the text message from my counselor from the day after I moved out. I had sent her that I was overwhelmed with a feeling of “OMG, what have I done?” She texted me back “Change – regardless of the magnitude – always catches our attention. Breathe deeply, remind yourself you have given this lots of thought, and keep focused on feeling more comfortable for just the next 24 hours. Then repeat the above.” It sounds like you have given this lots of thought. Trust yourself.
I’d like to as those who are at least a year out from D-Day, especially those who stayed with their spouse after they cheated a question. Please really think about it before you answer.
Were there things in your marriage that you “just lived with” before the affair that make you absolutely crazy now?
I feel awful that this is what my line of thinking is “I can’t believe that after all he has put me through with his self centered affair that he can’t fix some of this crap that I’ve had to live with for decade!” Look, I haven’t asked him to crawl on his hands and knees and beg. I haven’t publicly humiliated him. But I’m sick and freaking tired of me doing all of the work to fix my part of what went wrong in our marriage while he sits back and changes nothing. So what if he isn’t cheating anymore. Big freaking deal! How about he fix what he caused to go wrong in the marriage before the affair. Trigger? I worked all day today. He got home from his night shift after I had left the house. I asked that he take out the salmon for tonight’s dinner. He said he would. Now, when it’s time to put it in the oven, I find that it’s still in the freezer. He was so busy playing computer games that he forgot. Now I’ll be eating salad for dinner while everyone else has a hot meal because I can’t eat the quick meal they are having because I’m on a diet. The diet I’m obsessed with because I gained 20 more pounds (I’m already way to heavy) last year because I’m an emotional eater. I ask one thing. You would have thought I’d asked him to take me dancing or something
Am I being unfair to be angry or is it crazy to expect that the behavior I allowed for almost 30 years will change just because he should want to make me happy?
UGGGGGGH!!!! And I was having a good day…:o(
Hello WICBN:
I don’t know what I can even add to that. My D-days (that I know of) were in 2002, so I am well over the “one year mark” that you asked about. Like you, I did not publicly humiliate him and in fact, completely protected him by not telling a single soul and kept it all inside until just last year. Looking back, it was a terrible burden for someone to bear all by themselves. The behaviors that were occuring prior to the cheating have continued after the cheating. I had a series of triggers over the holidays and got to the point where I just said “The sh*t filter is full.” I made my decision to move out in early January and “planned my escape” as they say. I got to the point where I felt like after all I put up with prior to the the affairs, after taking him back, after covering for him, and after putting up with several more years of no change or serious effort on his part to change, I decided by allowing these behaviors to continue, I was encouraging it to continue. I even told him that he wouldn’t have put up with a fraction of what I did, and that in fact, he had made threats to divorce me for far less that I had put up with. Of course, looking back, the threats were intended to intimdate, manipulate, and control my behavior into the way he wanted. You are not being unfair or crazy. If anything, it’s just the opposite. I think you are finally demanding fairness and sanity in your life.
ladygator- Thanks for acknowledging my right to my feelings without wanting to call someone to put me away. The therapist I went to for all of three sessions (which he slept through about 15 minutes of each) wanted to put me on pills and send me to a “clinic” for a month. Said I was too hysterical (gee, lets think about that: husband of almost 30 years was having an affair, husband was getting a divorce, I was 46, over weight with health problems and no job or much job experience, I have three college students still living at home and my oldest brother had just been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer…what was there to be hysterical about?) The last thing I want is for this whole mess to turn me into the b***h that he told all of his friends and his whore that I was. Sometimes I feel like all of the years of dealing with his PTSS before his meds plus the affair have driven me crazy and rendered me incapable of thinking rationally. When I finally opened up to several long time friends who live in another state they all but stopped talking to me because I didn’t leave. This is the only place where I can talk about what my life has turned into. This is beyond sad.
Dear WICBN:
I am sorry to hear you had such a bad experience with your therapist. After seeing some of the comments on this board, I feel very lucky to have found the one I did. My undergraduate degree is in psychology so it pains me to hear that those types are out there. I feel like this giant, liberating light bulb has gone off in my life. I understand how you don’t want to turn into the b**tch that they are all saying you are, but at the end of the day, they are gonna say what they want. For me, once my decision gets out to others, I will be persona non grata. A year ago, I was in tears over the thought of that. But I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t really give a rats rearend. I almost double dog dare him to start talking sh*t about me. I will whip out all the graphic emails his psycho bitch (PB) would send to me with all the graphic sexual details about their escapades in my house, in my bed, on my kitchen counter, in my shower, and the funniest part, in MY Corvette I had at the time. I even said to him, you can’t even impress her with your sh*t, you have to take her out in mine. WTF???? I loved that car, bought it brand new & it was mint. Needless to say, couldn’t drive that anymore. And while he was taking psycho bitch out in my car, I found all the Harlequin Romance novel type emails he was sending to his EA OW. It all culminated with psycho bitch showing up in my driveway (she lived 2 streets over) one night and the three of us had a very loud showdown. I finally looked at her and said, if you think he’s being faithful to you while cheating on me, guess what. And showed her the emails he was sending to the EA OW at the same time frame he was seeing PB OW. Even sicker, was the the PB was trying to send me even more emails under the guise of an anonymous friend, which through some DNS tracking software I have, was able to prove it was all coming from her. So if he wants to go down the “my wife is a money grobbing b*tch” he better just prepare for that throwdown because I will pull out all my emails, all my evidence that they all originated from her, all his love letters to the other EA OW at the same time, and the creme de la creme, his addition to teen genre porn (legally 18, but really, what difference does that make. He is 47 and gravitates to porn that depicts “hot teen babes.”) He didn’t know I found his stash, and I made scanned copies of them all. I then told him that if he pushed my buttons too hard, perhaps the Internal Affairs department at the PD he worked for might want to know….. Although maybe not technically illegal, certainly not something you’d want your friends, commanders, and the newpaper to know. My crime? “I let myself go” and “when I was hungry, you wouldn’t go out an buy me a sub, but OW does.” WFT? Do you want a wife or a maid/waitress/mother? I work a 60 hour a week job, was getting my masters degree, building a house, and had a gargoyle for a boss. I could write the equivalent to War and Peace with all I have put up with. Yes, he will always have his guy buddies that will stick by him, but with the stack of stuff I have, believe me, he would no longer be on that pedestal that many have him on. Anyway, all I want to say is you’re NOT crazy. Rather, WELCOME TO THE AGE OF ENLIGHTENMENT. I know your long time friends may have abandoned you, but we’ve got your back on this board. Stay the course.
If anyone in this board is in the South Florida area, and wants a referral to an excellent therapist, let me know and perhaps we can connect off line and relay the info.
ladygator- long story short… after 27 years of dealing with him and his untreated PTSS I thought things were finally going to get better. After he almost had a breakdown due to serious memory problems (threw which I held him, let him call me in the middle of the night to help him find his way to where he was supposed to be) he finally got antidepressants. A year later he was having an affair with his best friends wife and planning to divorce me. What a trade off.
A lot of people think I’m a sucker for staying. Maybe I am. I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say I gave it all I had. He won’t be able to claim I didn’t have sex when he wanted, as often as he want, or how he wanted. He won’t be able to say I was mean to him or that I didn’t give him any praise to stroke his ego. Nope, if he does this to me again the whole, 100% problem will be him. That goes for another affair and a bad marriage. And if that day ever comes I will be done. I cannot and will not do this again. I know he doesn’t love me like I wish he did. I’m just counting on him loving me enough to not do this again. Right now I’m willing to take that. Pathetic I know but… I no longer have dreams, they are just disappointing. I deal with reality which isn’t much better. If I didn’t love him. If I could manage to hate him I wouldn’t be here. But I do and I can’t so…
Ummmm a woman with a Corvette I’m impressed too not only her. I got a Harley is anyone impressed
And do I love that thing. It is better than paying a therapist. What better is to ride a Harley to a dance then tell me. Bugger the therapists they can do ok without me I tried that. Smile girls it could be far worse. Take a look at some of the other countries people have to live in. I think we are all very lucky really. We will find happiness if we go seek it, if you want sadness go seek that its there as well . Luv ya all and don’t forget to keep your chin up. Cheers
A question for you girls……. Have any of you had a payback affair or even thought of one .
again haha
I have a saying for you might help you smile I don’t know but here goes. If you want to get OVER someone get UNDER someone. Hope ya smiling there! Might try it myself
Hi Em and Ladygator!
Thanks for your responses. I am at peace with my decision. As soon as I made it, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I don’t have to go searching for his secrets anymore because they won’t be mine to work through. I am focusing on our daughter and being the best mom possible.
Ladygator, I had a thought when I read your entry. I could be wrong, most probably am, but what struck me is how your H seemed to go out of his way to personally attack you (your bed, your Corvette, etc) . Is he jeaous of you? You seem like a determined, focused person with so much potential and handling so much while he’s playing video games. Just a thought.
Ladygator, sounds like he is definitely jealous of you, am inspired by your courage and strength, you too Lydia.
Aussieguy, now that is an awesome saying, the over and under, it definitely made me smile.
That sense of freedom in a fast car or on a bike is magic therapy, it is the one time I feel free when I get the chance to do that on a clear stretch of road.
Wish I could be normal,
Yes, there are lots of things that I “just lived with”…mainly I got tired of being yelled at all the time for voicing my opinion or dislikes or even likes. So yes, I just learn to avoid those situations that will “set him off” because I didn’t want to piss him off or be yelled at anymore. It was his way of controling how everyone in our house behaved. The kids and I would literally gather in one room while he was home…it was almost like we were trying to stay out of his way on purpose. We knew he would not come in the living room if all of us were in there together…he couldn’t single anyone out that way. I have learned that I will never just “live with anything again” and hopefully neither will any of my kids.
Aussie guy…payback affair…oh yeah! Not so much an affair because we were divorced, but his friend didn’t mind
I did wait until we were divorced. And yes, I agree to the dancing…it is wonderful. What is even more wonderful in a haha kinda way is when you and your ex accidently show up at the same event and you are dancing with someone and he’s not (my ex only dances/sways to slow songs). it was actually therapeutic for me and liberating and all by accident.
To all my new friends on here..I have been reading your posts about what other people will or do think about you and your H…Dr. Suess says it best “Those who mind, don’t matter…and those who matter, don’t mind”. My exH says his stuff about me to people…I don’t mind…those who know me know who I am and for those that believe that I am the “big B” that he says I am…that’s fine with me too…I have no problem living up to that, it means I’m no longer his doormat
My ex told me that I had “changed”….I said nope, I didn’t…you just never knew me.
((HUGS)) to everyone….we all need them
I just want to say thanks to all the ladies that commented on my posts the other day. I had had a really rough week and was literally losing my mind. This morning was the first time I woke up with some energy to get through the day. So…..maybe my week is looking up. You guys are truelly a pillar of strength during this time when it seems I have none.
Aussie guy,
I wish it was that easy to just leave, but we have 4 kids 8, 6, 4, and 3. I am pretty much their only caregiver and who would take in myself and my 4 kids. Not many people could. We would have no where to go and we are not a wealth family at all, we could not afford it. I have thought sometimes in an evil way that he would deserve for me to leave and let him wallow in what he has done, but like the conditions above, it is just not possible. My kids and I are going on our first vacation at the end of March and I am hoping I can hang in until then. That atleast will give me time away from our house and him and I will see how relieved I am or not about being away from him with my kids on my own. I know I can handle my kids on my own, I have been raising them by myself for the last eight years anyways. I guess I will just see if I really miss him emotionally or not. I might find out I am extremely relieved and ask him to leave. That’s future and I need to get through today.
I just want to thank you all again. It seems I have found some footholes today in the dark hole I was in. Let’s just hope it stays that way. Hugs to all of you.
Another day here and its lovely, sun is shining and its a joy to be alive. Two years ago or even one year ago I couldn’t say that so I’m climbing well. I’m actually proud of me for a change. I got my hair cut yesterday and was telling the hairdresser about my life last 2 yrs. She said to me that my wife was so stupid to leave a guy like me and think there is someone better out there , she said there just isn’t . Made my day because what happens we lose self worth real quick when we have been rejected. We feel ugly I bet you all agree. Life can be wonderful but its up to me if I want happiness. I pray for all of you to be uplifted in your day or for some of you the next day.
Rhonda my thoughts are with you.
Keep climbing sweetheart we are all here to put your feet back in the holes if you slide down. You will slide somedays but just keep struggling on I do know how that feels, you will be ok.
Best get him to leave I would think, surely he wouldn’t let his kids go without. . Hugs all.
I have a question…….does anyone know of a marriage that is TRULY a happy one? Think of your friends and family and what you know and what you’ve seen for yourself. I can only think of ONE marriage that I believe ‘might’ be happy…..or at least ‘content’. I was raised in a love-less home (it was more than obvious that my parents hated each other) and just a few years ago I discovered my dad trying to capture the affections of another woman through email and through his Bible Study class (of all places!!!) and then when I discussed this with my mother, I am told he had an affair early in the marriage (and I say to myself…..”and I’m sure that wasn’t the one and only either”!!!). My own father is a lying, deceitful cheater who has hidden behind the religious scene (in hopes that it will keep others from figuring out who he really is). He only stayed with my mother because he is too greedy & cheap to divorce her and ‘give’ her any alimony or belongings that are HIS!!! And she is too insecure to leave him (they have been married 57 years).
Anyway, is it possible to even have a happy marriage after the ‘lust phase’ is over? Men will always be searching for that “lust” and will never realize that it doesn’t last forever…..I think when they have affairs, they think “this time it will last forever (lust)”. Women seem to be able to ‘grasp’ that and take each new phase of the relationship as it comes. Why is that?
I will never be able to trust another man as long as I live. I couldn’t put myself back out there and risk the kind of hurt my ‘ex’ has caused me. So now what? The fairytale doesn’t exist and I just feel so lost and alone. Sigh.
Freebird,
I feel exactly the same way you do- lost and alone. I feel like whenever I look at another couple, I am wondering if the man has already cheated on his partner or that it’s only a matter of time when he does.
I was thinking hard about your question and I am amazed when I think back about how much infidelity has played a roll in my upbringing. My aunt, for example, is very open about the fact that her husband had cheated and still cheats on her. She says, “He’s a lying, cheating bastard but I love him” and actually laughs when she says this. She is so open about it, I even remember her talking about it when I was a kid. And, everyone around just laughs. It’s sick and depressing when I reflect on it.
But, I have come across (100%) at least two couples that have been together for a long time (more than 10 years), integrity and resepect for each other intact – no infidelity. It’s so sad that the number is so low.
There must be men that remain faithful, I need to be able to believe that. I have a daughter and I don’t want her growing up not trusting men, but at the same time I want her to be smart about her relationships. I need to also believe it for myself to be able to go on – because I want to live a happy life. I don’t want to hide and become bitter.
It’ll be interesting to hear what others say.
The only thing I will say to you is that if you are feeling like you can’t put yourself back out there, it’s your way of telling yourself you’re not ready to put yourself out there yet. I just made the decision to leave. I have no idea when/if I’ll ever be ready to date again, but I won’t do it until I am ready. Until then, just take time for yourself. I am getting a LONG overdue pedicure/manicure.
As far as the fairytale goes: I won’t be waiting for a “prince” to come “rescue” me anymore. Been there, got cheated on by the bastard. I am going to do for myself this time around.
Lydia and Freebird – I feel the exact same way you do. And when people say they are happily married — I look at the husband and wonder if he’s cheated and just gotten away with it. How bad is that? I think we are more realists now than idealists. Yes, there’s a prince charming — but as Bruce Springsteen says — “when I look in your eyes — is it you, baby….. or just a Brilliant Disguise……”
that sums up how I feel. I don’t trust anyone anymore….just myself. I hate that I’m bitter. And I’ve chosen to stay because he’s doing all the work. And it’s been great — but my fear, is that I won’t ever have the “love of my life” feeling ever again. How could he be — he did that to me…… so am I some kind of masochist? Or is there no such thing as the love of your life. I was married before and my now husband was (up until now) so much better….. so I wonder if I should keep going and try to find the next great one. Some days I want the new exciting life — other days I don’t feel like it and want to work on my own marriage because I do feel sorry for him and feel like he’s truly sorry — so I give one more chance — maybe against my own standards — why would I settle — but if I don’t, I might regret it. Maybe I’ll have a great relationship a few years from now — or maybe not — but I can say I’ve done everything. I left my first H – - and knew when it was time. He was really emotionally messed up and very controlling. So good luck all — we are survivors.
Ella
That is exactly how I feel. My H and I had the love at first sight and I thought he was the total man of my dreams, my prince charming. Then this happened, now I just know I will never have the love of my life feeling or that feeling like I was the only one for him because ovbiously I was not. I to question every day if I am just settling by staying (my H is trying very hard as well). I wonder then if there is ever a person out there in a relationship who doesn’t control it. I think there will always be one person who loves more than the other. I have never seen any different. I could be wrong though. I feel so cinical and I don’t think I will ever be able to love or feel love the way I used to. I will never feel special in his eyes anymore. I will always feel like the home plate in a baseball game, always there for the love of the game and crossed only when they hit a home run. Weird anaology I know, but sports is big in our household. Anyway, I miss that part of myself that was such a romantic and believed in the ever after and loving only one person after you are married. That has been stripped from me and will never return. So why should we stay if we can never get that back? Don’t we deserve to feel that? Or is it just going to be the same in every other relationship that we are in? I guess these are qeustions I will never know the answer to.
Ella and Rhonda- You have both totally described what goes on in my head 24/7. I feel such a deep loss for what I will never again be able to wish for much less have. I will never believe I am special to my husband, even if he tells me a million times a day until I die. I no longer feel irreplaceable (obviously I’m not since he so easily got another woman, had sex with another woman, and said he loved another woman then proceeded to throw me away like yesterdays trash). I can’t tell you the last time I was happy. It was way before the affair. Now I don’t know if I’m capable of being happy. The only “very” emotion I am able to feel is sad or angry. Happy doesn’t enter the picture. Most of the time I’m just numb.
Awww… it is so sad how word for word is exactly how I feel. It is sad the people can do this to another human being and never really understand how much it damages them. It could have been me talking in your comment as well. I just wish that no one ever had to feel like this. It is the worst thing ever!!!! No one ever derserves this kind of pain, no one…
Hi Rhonda! In my case let me reword something…..”It is sad that people can do this to another human being and never really understand (OR CARE) how much it damages them” When my ‘ex’ walked out the door it was like a snow blizzard had blown through the house…..he was cold and heartless and had no remorse whatsoever!! All he had ever done in the past (after I caught him cheating and we attempted to repair & reconnect) was to continue to lie to me and ‘pretend’ he wanted what I wanted. When in reality it was always about what HE wanted and what was good for HIM. I discovered that he had cheated on me for the entire marriage (even slept with my sister), so why stop now?…..and he waited until the PERFECT situation came along (which happened to be a woman 20 years younger than me who brought in a decent paycheck…..I was a stay-at-home-mom the entire marriage). He forgot to look into his crystal ball to see that in the future “Miss Thang” would lose her job and demand to have children…….which was very costly because they had to do IVF treatments and the first one didn’t take so a second expensive round was needed and they chose to fertilize two embryos to be safe and ended up with twin girls…….so I doubt she’ll be going back to work any time soon, if ever…..he is pushing 50 and we already have two adult children…..have fun with that “Mr. Man”!). Anyway, I could write a book as I’m sure everyone on this thread could!!! I just keep hoping that his ‘bad’ Karma continues to serve him up that cold, cold dish that he deserves (revenge is a dish best served cold!!).
Hi Lydia! Thanks for sharing! Like you, I am amazed and appalled at what hind sight has shown me about what’s going on in relationships and how truly unacceptable it is!!! Not only did I catch my husband cheating on me once, I later (during and after divorce) discovere that he basically cheated on me for the entire 23 years! And with my sister!!! (who, I might add, cheated on her husband…..while they were engaged, married, separated AND even after he agreed to take her back a few years later and try to make things work for them again! After she had a baby out of wedlock that didn’t result in a marriage…..and she still cheated on him!). Needless to say…….she is ‘dead to me’ now as well! I’ve had friends brag about cheating on their spouses as if it is some kind of ‘fun, sneaky’ game that is to be accepted by all and looked at as no big deal! So, you are right when you say it is all sick & depressing!! I too look at couples I see and wonder about the adultery that I KNOW is going on. I’m finding it extremely hard to believe that ANY marriage is without it! Like I say, if my own father (who claims to be such an upstanding Christian can do it….into his mid 70′s……then who is exempt???). I have come to the conclusion that if there’s a man out there that hasn’t cheated on his wife, it’s only because the opportunity has not yet presented itself. And now that cell phones and email are part of our lives (for good) this will become an epidemic of out-of-control proportions before all is said and done (when this rotten earth finally destroys itself!). The divorce rate is over 50% now but that doesn’t account for relationships in general (which I believe are important to factor in, because it’s about “commitment”, not just having that marriage certificate)…..so I’d have to say the percentage could be closer to 75% (or more) and I absolutely know most of that is caused by infidelity!!!! I just know it!!!!! I agree with you about your sentiments regarding your daughter (I have one too) and my heart hurts for what’s ahead for her. But I feel I need to be realistic with her because “fairy tale” talk wouldn’t be fair to her. She’s already been through some relationship breakups so I think she’s getting a good idea of what “it’s” all about but I’m sure she still thinks “prince charming is out there and one day she’ll have it all….” Sigh!!!!!
Hi all again. Welcome to Firebird also. Yep I agree with what you are saying in the last few posts but I’m one of a very low proportion of men that hasn’t done the dirty. I was delt it and know how it hurts and I’m a male. Both sexes feel this the same I guess. You know I had a great marriage until my so called mate came a lookin. Had three beautiful kids and four awesome grands and life was going well. Then BAM hit me like a ton of bricks. But through it all we survive if we don’t give up. We will all be stronger in the end after the hurts go away and that for some will be a long time but hey there is men and women out there that can be trusted so don’t give up just be careful next time. I’m not giving up just yet on a woman that I can trust no way and nor should you girls there are some out there for sure.
Love ya all Cheers guys
PS My wife was a so called Christian too , suppose we are just human sadly.
oppps Freebird sorry! But I like your fire
Hi Aussie Guy…..thanks for the welcome and that’s ok about the name, because I am definitely full of “fire” about this subject, so it fits too!
Also, I know that women cheat too and I’m as disappointed and disgusted with them as I am with the men who do it. I ‘had’ a friend once who basically bragged that she cheated on her husband (no longer a friend, as she ended up betraying & lying to me just as she did her hubby, so she was just no good all the way around). I just wish I knew why people can’t ‘choose’ to love their partner instead of falling in lust and then needing to leave the relationship because the lust has faded……LOVE is a choice and is hard work and no one seems to want to look at like that. Marriage is more than lust, lust, lust……and at some point in an affair it’s time to GET OUT OF THE BED and return to the real world!!!! (Do we ever stop ranting??? Sigh…)
Ok Firebird from now on haha. Settle girl you will bust something.
I know, right?!?!?!?! I feel like this ‘fire’ inside me will never go out!
I felt the same but now its starting to flicker after the fireball. I recon we have to forgive our partners not for them NEVER but for ourselves. And forgiviness is also forgetting the wrongs they did to us. Sounds hard but can be done. If we don’t forgive we just hurt ourselves because the hurtful ones don’t really give a damn what we think I’m sure of that. It’s Jesus that said forgive seventy time seven our enemies so I’m about half way I recon . Thanks for your input Firebird
or maybe Fireball hugs
Hello Freebird:
I see you’re from one of my favorites states to visit. My family has vacation property there – so beautiful.
Your post is something I’ve pondered and discussed at length with a close friend of mine. Although this is a forum for cheating, the reality is (or at least as discussed by some of us) it isn’t just the cheating. There were behaviors that were likely occuring before the cheating that drove us crazy (see Why Can’t I Be Normal’s post) and that have continued afterwards that indicate our spouses have made no effort to make positive changes to the relationship. IMO, cheating is simply one symptom (albeit a HUGE hurtful symptom) deeper problems. I have debated with my friend at great length that maybe I am expecting “too much” and that all the crap I have put up with is really just the norm in life and after all, it could be worse, he could be an alcoholic, unemployed, wife-beater. In my friend’s case, although her partner (not married, but together for 8 years & have a child together) has not cheated (that we are aware of, but are pretty sure he hasn’t) has pretty much checked out of the relationship mentally and emotionally. Her rational is that “well he doesn’t smoke, drink, do drugs or cheat.” But she is miserable and sad as am I. I just can’t subscribe to the worshipping zero mentality. I just can’t believe that we are relegated to having to set the bar so low. Our cheating spouses certainly don’t do that. I do think there are a rare breed of men out there who do know how to not only stay faithful, but more importantly, treat their wives with respect and value. I worked with a man who was a devoted father and husband, hard working provider. And for his efforts, his (now ex) wife cheated on him with the family priest and still continue to carry on with this so-called man of God.
My husband is one of those people that others looked at as “you’re so lucky to have found such a good one.” And before my D-Day I remember looking at a good friend’s marriage as one of those rare, happy successful marriages. Until the day he left his wife and 2 kids for a stripper and soft core porn star. I remember how stunned I was. A year later, I was suffering my own shock and awe.
So, for now, I refuse to believe that I should have to “settle.” But I have decided my happiness isn’t going to depend on finding my prince, my happiness will come from ME. Like the song by the group Yes says, “Owner of a lonely heart is much better than the owner of a broken heart.”
This is for all you gals (sorry Aussie guy, I’ll see if I can find something for you too). Let me know what you think of this site ladies!!
http://www.happy-marriage-for-men.com/why_marriages_fail.html
Sorry but I have no where else to whine so…ignore it if you like.
My husband works night and is off on Wed. and Thur. so…I posted a note on Facebook Sunday night saying how much I appreciate him working over time to pay for some repairs we need on our roof and how much I was looking forward to spending time with him on Wed. He never even looked at it. So, here it is Weds. and instead of spending time with me today he spent the whole day playing a new computer game while I proof read a paper he had due. He came over and sat beside me for thirty minutes to watch a TV show because I complained and then promptly fell asleep on my shoulder. I told him to go to bed ( realize he didn’t sleep all day like he would if he was working and had been up 24 hours). He had the nerve to want me to sit there and do nothing so that he could sleep there using me as his pillow. He ignores me all day in favor of that stupid game and then he wants me to sit here and do nothing so that he can snuggle on my shoulder? REALLY?? I spent the whole day dropping hints and even out right saying that I wanted attention and nothing. I can’t tell you how hurt I am. How hurt I always am. Did anyone see the movie Fire Proof? The scene where he gets rid of the computer and puts a vase of roses on the desk where it was sitting with a note that says “I love you more”? Well, that wouldn’t happen here. Why do I love him so much and myself so little that I didn’t jump at the chance to finally have a Biblical reason to walk away? What the hell is wrong with me?
Hey Ladygator…..thanks for your input! Your post prompted me to share the above site with everyone! I agree with everything you wrote and I still have a lot of work ahead of me to be able to find some happiness within myself for ME. Being stripped of all dignity and what little self confidence I had, has made my psyche extremely fragile. I don’t even know if I have anything left inside me to ‘rebuild’ from. But reading eveyone’s posts has at least made me feel that I’m not alone and that has helped. So….have you ever visited Boone? That’s where I live!
Hi Freebird:
I know you FEEL like your dignity has been stripped, but remember, he was the one who acted undignified and thus HIS dignity has been stripped. He can’t “take” it from you. It’s not his to take. You own it. And though it may not feel like you have anything left inside to rebuild from, trust me, you do. Think “Survivorman.” And yes, I have visited Boone, although I am more familiar with the Asheville/Hendersonville and Franklin area. All places that remind me that there is really beauty in this world, despite the pain we have endured.
How was your day today mine was a just ok day but hoping tomorrow will be a little better as I have friends coming for dinner. Hope they like my cooking
. I suppose we can’t have good one all the time. Don’t know what time it is in the US maybe you are all sleeping and dreaming of a better life hopefully. Cheers
Hey aussie guy…..your post reached my in-box at 4:47 am. What time did you send it from your part of the world? Hope you had a nice dinner with your friends. Sounds like you are re-building your life just fine…..good for you, I wish you great success!
Hello all
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WICBN…..adultry is a biblical reason for divorce, just sayin’.
Aussie Guy…you are an insipration to all us Ladies here, I’m impressed that you cook and dance
Freebird…..I only know of two marriages in my circle of friends that are true marriages, they both adore each other. They do everything together, neither one has the desire to go out with the “guys” or “girls”, they truely enjoy each other and are each other’s bestfriend. They love their kids, take pride in the fact that they are completey inlove with each other. They are an inspiration that there are good men and women out there, I guess I just setteled for someone that I thought was true. Thanks for the link….I am now using the “we teach people how to treat us” saying into my parenting skills, for my three fantastic kids!
Here is an interesting observation that I made after the fact: my ex’s parents both cheated on each other and they chose to stay together. His sister cheated and left her husband for another man but no wishes she didn’t, his older brother is a womanizer adn can not commit, his younger brother is not happy in his marriage and they stay together for the kids. His side of the family came down really hard on me for leaving my ex…they told me to just forgive him and move forward to fix our marriage, he was a guy and that is what happens but I am a strong woman so, I need to more effort into it. Now the rest of my observation involves my side of the family. My grandparents were unhappy but happy…they setteled for each other. My mom has been married twice, she left her first husband because he was mean to her and she got tired of it (she was 18 when they married and pregnant), then she met my Dad…he cheated and they went their serperate ways. I have 3 older sibilings from my mom’s first marriage that are married and have been for what seems to be forever…they have had rough patches but again they value each other and worked through it…non of them have ever cheated on their spouses. I have two younger brother’s from my Dad’s 3rd marriage..they have not married due to their childhood example of the cheating ways of my father. So, based on that I am praying that my children will have learned from my example and hold their worth and value on a pedestal…if someone reaches it, then keep them, they showed you, you are worth it! Moral…my ex’s side “tolerates behavior”…my side seems to tell ya’ to get lost. I wish I had figured that out years ago…sigh…ohwell.
Aussie Guy…you are an insipration to all us Ladies here, I’m impressed that you cook and dance .
Nah….. Like the female flesh I’m afraid even tho been a while. Ah well . Anyhow it’s not all I do well…. I wash and iron cut the grass do the garden service the cars, paint, what else ! Yeah almost forgot I’m good in bed nearly as good as the OG (other guy) Geeez he must be good 
Now where on earth could a woman get a toy to do all that tell me. Haha.
Geezzz hope I’m not turning gay when you put it like that
Umm about the time it was about 8pm thursday here I think.
Dinner with friends is tonight so best get to the shop eh.
Love ya all see you soon and keep smiling you don’t want your ex to see you sad now do you? bye now
Oppp forgot to say I’m good at being humble as well
Last night I asked my husband why he gave up on me. He said that he had thought I had given up on him a long time ago. He said he felt like he could do nothing right and that no one here appreciated him. I asked him why he never offered to help me with the kids, why he didn’t help with the burdens of everyday life that I had. He really had no answer. That right there, the no help with the kids, four of them, from birth until now, the oldest is 8, is why I was always so tired, grouchy, and lonely, but I never gave up on him. Even when I thought I could take no more, I still stayed and fought every day. Kind of like I am doing now. I asked him if he thought he loved me as much has I loved him and he said he loves me as much as he possibly can. What does that mean? I guess these are just questions I have to ponder on for now.
Em- I know it is, that’s what I meant, I finally had a biblical reason and didn’t use it.
Rhonda- I look at that list of questions and I think I’ve asked just about every one of them.
Hi ladies, I haven’t posted in a long time, I’ve been trying to get my life back in order. I’ve done a whole lot of soul searching because I know I was apart of the marriage before the break up. I didn’t give 100 % and he didn’t either. The affair was ALL him, I had nothing to do with that. I also am looking at how I can heal myself despite all he has done to me. I attended a “Take your Life Back” seminar in Seattle WA last weekend and it was amazing to actually meet and talk to all the wonderful strong women and men who have been through this! It’s http://www.beyondaffairs.com I have learned that I’m worth it and I deserve to be treated like a human and I am Loveable, I don’t need to be treated like a doormat and that I’m a loving, confident, un-guarded woman, and I TOOK my life back. I also accepted Jesus in my heart because I needed someone higher and stronger to guide me thru this horrible pain. I cry everyday to let it out when it comes, and it’s ok. My husband was out for 3 months and I asked him to come back last weekend when I was gone so he can see just how damn lonely a house and TV’s and cars and just stuff were and no one there to share it with. He didn’t like it one bit. But we are working on it and we have our ups and downs and yes I’d love to punch him sometimes but don’t that won’t solve anything. But he is trying awfully hard to make it up to me and also I wanted him to move back to help me and see me deal with this horrible pain. Which he caused!!!! We will be attending the couples training with Anne and Brian Bercht who hosted the one I went to. She has a book out and they have survived and are in love still. That’s what I want so I wanted to see it for real in person and they are a great couple and truly care
about everyone in their class. I read everyones posts and I can still feel the pain like it was Dec 9th…… I also am trying to learn forgiveness which is the HARDEST thing I’ve ever thought possible but I’m working on it!!!! I know it won’t happen overnight but I can say I’m trying. Everyone has to process and work thru it at their own pace and never do something or feel something you don’t want to. It’s your rules now, and if they want to be there they will follow and live by them!!!! And if they don’t they aren’t worth it. There are too many people out there that won’t have a problem with trust, honesty, committment and wouldn’t think that was anything hard to share! So If my husband doesn’t straighten up and his actions aren’t showing trust, honesty, committment, love, then I will move on and find someone who can. That simple!!!!! Thank you Anne and Brian Bercht for telling me I’M WORTH IT. Wishing everyone a great night, hugs to all 
Ok, so I just had to share this little moment today that made me smile. I am the one who does the income taxes, both personal and for our little S-Corp that we have on the side. A couple days ago, our accountant called me to tell me the taxes were ready to be picked up, so I had made an appt to get them today during my lunch hour at work since her office is right around the corner from mine. Well, after I picked them up, I sent a text mesg to my H telling him I got them, and that I would need him to get them to sign them. About a nanosecond later, he sent back, “Ok thanks. But why didn’t you wave back to me when I passed you this morning?” (As most of you know, I am I separated but living in the same neighborhood). Apparently I passed him as I was leaving for work this morning and he was on his way back from some morning errand. I am not a morning person and truly did not see him. Making it even funnier, my boarder who boards her horse at my property didn’t see him either and she didn’t wave back when he waved at her. So he was all worried all day why she and I didn’t wave back. Neither of us saw him. But he had apparently been stewing about it all day. For a moment, I had a schadenfreude moment where I felt like “See, now you get to see how it feels to be a second class citizen.” I did tell him that I truly did not see him as I was leaving because 1) I was running late to work, 2) I am not a morning person, and 3) am pretty much in a fog until caffeine kicks in. But he got a taste of what it feels like to feel like what it is be feel inconsequential. And frankly, I liked the feeling of being the person in control doling it out. In other happy news, I spent a little time sprucing up my little place I am living in. I had taken some artwork and a few other odds-n-ends when I left, not much, just a few things that I liked. I spent some time this evening hanging them and sprucing up. It felt good. I forgot what that felt like, but was quickly reminded I like the feeling. Baby steps, but I’ll take ‘em. :-}
Rhonda: My ‘ex’ was the same way. After I caught him cheating and we had our “talk”, his way of saying it was ‘my’ fault was “our marriage was in a world of shit” (giving him permission to cheat instead of attempting to repair things and bring up the ‘issues’ that he was displeased with). As we all know, especially after being together over 2 decades, “LIFE” has a way of adding SO many factors into our daily lives that giving 100% to a marriage is next to impossible! It’s like a pie-chart…..X% goes to the marriage, X% goes to the kids, X% goes to the job(s), X% goes to the house, etc. (0% goes to OURSELVES!!!! unfortunately!!!). And as we all know it IS exhausting!!!! And I believe that we ALL spread ourselves so thin in ALL of those categories that they ALL get neglected at some point and to some degree on a daily basis. Bottom line is: The give-n-take/compromise idea in a relationship has been lost because we are overwhelmed and exhausted and we ALL feel it and want to blame the other person for it. If one person tries to ‘give in’and try to change then the other person takes advantage of that and the ‘giving’ person starts to resent it and feels like a door mat. Sad but true, and I truly don’t know how we can change that with the way the world is now. If anyone has the answer, please share!
Aussie guy…you rock! Love it!! Apparently, your ex as most…did not appreciate what she had. She may be noticing it now based on your post the other day when she came by. Whoever captures your affection again will be one lucky lady
WICBN…..you can still use it.
Tweety…That is awesome, best wishes and congrats!
On another note, my ex must have been lonely last night. I received a text from him asking if I was up. He wanted to apologize for being a d*^k on Wednesday, he was just irritated. Guess who got all the wrath from his irritation that didn’t do anything to him…..me. Anyway, then asked if we could hook up because he missed kissing and holding me, granted this was 10:30 a night and he was probably on his way home from the bar. I did send him a text back that said “I am no longer an option, go on with your life.” He then asked if I was taken. Again, I simply said I was not an option. He drove by my house later and honked his horn (my house is out of the way). Then he showed up this morning as I was getting the kids ready for the bus and said he came by to write me a check but couldn’t find his checkbook. I do not understand that at all. If you couldn’t find it, then why come by? What is the purpose of knocking on my door to tell me that?
Thanks for letting me vent
((hugs)) to all, I hope everyone has a wonderful day!
Em- He came by your house to see if a man had spent the night after you told him you weren’t an option. That’s why.
)
Ladies and gents here is a question for you. 3 months after d-day and a week after a huge depressional event over this and my husband and I seem to be in an O.K. place. He has had no contact with the other woman that I know of, but here is the question. I have access to his e-mail account and regretibly I have to say I check it constantly. It’s really annoying, but here is the thing, He is a teacher and he is checking his e-mail every free second he gets. Should I tell him I have been checking his e-mail and ask him why he checks that every free second or should I just let it go and just trust he isn’t hoping to hear from the OW? I am afraid to ask because I am afraid he will get mad I have been checking it, but it really bothers me that every free second he checks it and he tells me he never has time to e-mail me back when I send him one, but I know that he is on there. What should I do?
Hello Rhonda:
Others may have a different opinion, but for me personally, I would not tell him, especially only 3 months out. I checked up on my H for a long time afterwards and IMHO, they broke the trust, and they have to live with the consequences and re-earn that trust. And sometimes re-earning that trust means you have to take these measures to have the proof YOU need to make YOU comfortable. For me, 3 months was not enough time to earn back his pissing away of 18 years of trust. If you tell him what you are doing, guess what. He’ll just learn to cover his tracks better if he is indeed backsliding. And if he’s not, then you’ll know (well kinda – the absence of something doesn’t necessarily mean proof). But when my H didn’t think I was checking, he was less careful. Only you can decide what to do, but for me, I played calm, cool, and collected and acted like everything was getting back to normal and let him think he was regaining my trust. Kinda like keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. You’re right, it is a horrible way to live to constantly play detective, but sometimes we have to pick the lesser of two evils and if I am going to feel horrible about something, I’d rather it be something I have control over (me checking up on him) than feeling horrible about the unknowns of what he is hiding which he will inevitably make it more difficult for you to find if he knows you are checking up on him. Again, just my opinion based on my experience. Others may have a different viewpoint.
Hello all:
My turn to ask a question. I’m not even sure it’s a question. More of a quandry. Tonight I stopped by my house so my H could sign our tax return. We were having a friendly, pleasant conversation. During this conversation, he told me he was finally seeing a counselor like I had been asking him to do for such a long time. However, my gut is telling me it may be too little too late. I feel like my marriage has died a death by a thousand cuts. What if he goes to counseling, and I find out that too much damage has been done, and that I am past the point of no return? Had this been 4 years ago when I asked him the first time (which he rejected), or a year and a half ago when I ultimatumed him the 2nd time (promised he would go but had no intention of following through which I think is worse than just refusing), or again when promised to go when I brought it up again for a third time in the presence of my counselor (and still had no intention of following through), there might have been a shred of hope that my feelings would come back. However, his hurtful behaviours (the thousands of cuts) continued, until I reached my breaking point and moved out. Now that he’s going to counseling, I am concerned that it’s just too late. But am ALREADY feeling guilty (my Catholic upbringing has really perfected this guilt thing) about the possibility of having to tell him “Yes I know you went to counseling like I asked you, but I’m sorry, I just think I’m ready to move on. There has been too much damage.” I know I what I’m going to get – “But I did what you wanted me to!!” Has anyone on this board faced this situation? If so, any words of wisdom?
I haven’t been in the counseling situation yet. I am looking for a counselor now. I know that my husband will not go either. He has told me many times he knows is he doing the right things right now that he needs to, to make me feel better and doesn’t need a counselor to tell him that so I am sorry, but I can’t help you. I do know that I do feel like you though in the fact that I wonder every day if all this trying he is doing is just a little to late. Our marriage was not great before the affair and I asked him numerous times to see a counselor with flat no. Now the affair and he wants to act like I can actually believe his what he is saying to me is real, I to wonder every day if it is not just a little bit to late. Especially after all this pain I have endured over the years and the crushing effect this affair has had on me if I just need to let go as well. I wish there was a magic answer for you and I am not as far in my healing yet so I can only give you words of encouragement and tell you do what your gut tells you is right. Your heart will never follow and your head might not either, but your gut will never prove you wrong. I wish I would have followed my gut feelings a long time ago and then maybe I wouldn’t be in the situation I am in now. I wish you good luck and I hope someone else has better advice for you. Keep us posted.
Hi all my two cents worth. I think and know that counciling wasn’t worth a cracker. All it did for me was relieve me of hard earned money like hundreds of it. Maybe its just me but once we have been cheated on the trust is gone and no councillor with ever restore that in us unless we are stupid. How could I ever have sex with my wife again when I know other guys have been there. That would make me sick, really sick. And we all know sex is the binder in any relationship. So I think move on while you have a little diginity in yourself and thats not easy but will be a lot easier than knowing someone has screwed with them I can tell you. Most councilors have never had this experence and they don’t know what we go through , at least mine didnt so he didn’t know what he was talking about. We all know its so hard. Anyhow you will all move on as I’m doing , but takes time .Told me that 12mths ago and I would of said yeah right. Time does heal girls believe me. hugs all Cheers.
Ladygator,
I think it’s positive that he’s seeing a counselor, but his motivation should come from within: that he realizes that he needs to change, not that it’s a goal met to win you back. He needs to want to be better for himself, change for himself. Otherwise, it won’t work. If he’s going for you, then it will fall apart. He needs to want to do this for himself.
For me, therapy didn’t work for me WITH my husband, but it’s working for him. He’s starting to understand why it started, what he was trying to get away from and that he can’t manipulate me into taking the blame/guilt for HIS actions. As for me, I am going to see someone for myself because I felt like I got lost in our sessions together. It became all about him, but it DID help me to understand what is happening to him. I told him that he needs to grow the f*ck up, that I already had a child to raise and that it’s a journey he needs to do alone.
I remember the counselor asking him, “If you two don’t make it, will you continue to do what you’ve been doing?” I held my breath because I realized it was the moment of truth: is he doing this for me or because he’s serious about making an honest change/growing. He said that he doesn’t ever want to go back to it again, and that he would continue therapy. I actually smiled. It made me feel good.
Hi Rhonda,
I read your question about checking his emails. For me, I let him know upfront that I wanted his login and passwords to ALL his accounts (even work) and that he is just going to have to put up with my checking sporadically for as long as I see fit/until I feel as if I can trust him again, and that even after that I would porbably check here and there. I felt no guilt about it – he lost his right to privacy. At this point I don’t want to play games.
For me, if you have nothing to hide then there shouldn’t be any reason NOT to be open. I have come across stuff that he hasn’t told me about, but nothing that he’s still doing.
The sad truth is, if they’re going to do it again it doesn’t matter how ninja we get in cathing them – they’re going to do it again. I wanted all the cards on the table, I wanted to him understand in no uncertain terms what I EXPECT and I wanted to know what I had to work with.
With the internet. it’s all to easy to start again. Change starts from within. For me, being honest with him was the only way to go.
I just caught my husband of 24 yrs cheating on me via his emails – we have 2 young kids and our lives have changed forever – I feel so crushed – and betrayed , told him to leave the house – He is not in the least bit remorseful – in fact blames it all on me !!!- we have been communicating via emails regarding kids – all of us are going for counselling. He was having this affair since the last 5 months and claims there wasnt anything physical between him and this other girl – dont buy that story in the least bit because of all the emails that I have as proof. The worst part is that his family believes him rather than me – I dont see myself getting together with him because I will never be able to trust him again – my kids are very bitter about this too – I do keep encouraging them to reconcile with him but only time will tell. Why wont he own up that he messed up ?
“Once a cheater, always a cheater”……I truly believe this is the case, more so than not. It’s sad, but true. My ‘ex’ gave me every lie in the book after I caught him cheating (promised to change, pretended to love me and reconnect with me, talk of growing old together……all of it). Three years later he was gone. Had NOT stopped having affairs, had NOT kept his ‘promises’, had NOT changed ‘inside’ at all!!! He was engaged 12 weeks later to a younger woman (DUH!!!) who lived in PA (we were in NC) who had started working for his company 8 months prior (he met her at some Corp. meeting and then was able to see her by working her into all his work-related travels for the next 8 months). When he walked out on me ‘that day’ he was a cold, heartless, cruel, selfish bastard that didn’t resemble the man who had been ‘caught’ three years earlier AT ALL. Cheaters lie and deceive to get only what THEY want at that moment. The woman he was caught cheating with apparently wasn’t “the right one” so he wasn’t ready to go through the ordeal of breaking up a marriage and family at that time. Cheating is easy though, and the “thrill” is an addiction that they can not resist. And with a job that requires weekly travel, it’s easy!! I am SURE he is still cheating on his new wife (especially since he was stupid enough to ‘promise’ her she could have children with him (she’d never been married or had children) and they end up having twins through expensive IVF treatments)…..he is almost 50 and I GUARANTEE that having an exhausted wife and twin infants at home is NOT what he was thinking when he agreed to all her demands!!! (and BTW, the twins were premature and still can’t leave the house or have people over for fear of infections, etc. so they are ALL house-bound). Oh, and he blamed ME because he felt like he was “An action figure on the shelf” because I am going through menopause and just wanted to get through that in one piece and was not anxious to constantly be “on the go” like he feels the need for!!! HAHAHA to him now!!!! Anyway, my point is……cheaters will say what you want to hear and make you think whatever you NEED to think…….PERIOD!!!! And it is possible to have a dozen email accounts that are undetectable, so if you’re checking an ‘old’ account of his, he is going to make sure it is benign but you’ll have no idea about the other account he has!!!! Take the advice to “go with your gut”…..it NEVER lies!!!!
I got betrayed by my husband two different ways…2 years ago, I thought something was going on with my husband…I would ask him if he was happy, if he wanted to remail married, if anything was wrong…he said he was happy and that nothing was wrong. When I asked him to talk to me about things because he seemed weird, he said nothing was wrong and wouldn’t talk to me. He got a bunch of unusual texts one night at like 3 am so since he wasn’t talking to me about anything, I got online and checked phone account…same number to his number many many times over a long period of time…months. So I ask him…he says it is a girl from work that he had been “sexting” for a few months…asked if anything physical happened…he denied it and said he swore it didn’t it was just sexting. (texting sexual things explicit things to one another) I left and went to my parents house to think about things…he begged for me to come home, swore he knew he mademistake, wanted me and daughter back…would do anything, was so so sorry, said he would wait for me to figure out what I wanted…4 days later I decided to come home…a month later I was pregnant with my second child…a year later he starts doing things that don’t add up, none of his stories made sense about him not sleeping with her a year agoand when I asked and the counselor asked him if he had sex with her he denied it up and down and told me I was awful for even thinking he was capable of doing that…so I contact the girl beacuse a year later his stories don’t make sense still and keep changing…so she says they did have sex…so I confront him and he STILL denies it even tho I am forwarding him her texts saying they slept together…so finally he admits it they had sex in motels in the area and in my car when they didn’t have money for a hotel…and I found out that when I was at my parents house a year before “thinking abuot what to do” … he went and met up with her then and spent the night with her. So I threw him out. That lasted for about a month…he texted me the whole time he was gone…so sorry…wants me back…will do anything to fix it…one more chance..give him time…so I did AGAIN…it has been about 9 months from then…the pain of the affair is not gone at all…everything triggers it beause I know a lot of the sexual details about what they did…and I am scared of leaving him because it is the unknown and I am scared of being on my own with two small kids…in my heart I know it will never go away, I can not forgive him, he can;t do anything to fix it…he is trying he shows me his phone, checks phone records with me, tells me what he is doing, where he is, doing more at the house to help me with chores and kids, says he wants to renew vows…etc. I just feel like I am always looking for him cheating again…looking thru phone, worrying…it is awful to feel that way all the time…I worry that leaving would be the wrong choice and I would regret it…and I don’t know if it will be worse or kill me more inside to know if we are not together that he is sleeping with other girls…because if we get divorced or seperate, I don’t see him waiting too long to hook up…I just don’t know what to do…I feel defeated all the time and ashamed and I feel like my family and friends are judging me because I stayed with him and I am already judging myself and putting myself down. I feel sometimes like if there is anything I can do to make it work out … or any chance we can fix it …that I should stay…but I just feel like I will never get over the things he did to me and the lies lies lies lies lies…I asked him if I didn’t find out about the sex…would he still be lying to me…he said yes…I just want to know I am doing the right thing for me and kids if I leave and that I will be ok…hard to be positive when you are in this place mentally…
So I’m writing this through my tears.
I found out my husband of 31years was? having an affair for over a year. (married this July, 25 years, and lived together 6 years) I put ” ?” after “was”, because can I believe anything anymore? He was playing cards on Saturday night after work. That was the excuse. The funny/ironic thing is that as soon as he said he was going to start playing cards, I got a terrible feeling he was BS’ing me. You see my Uncle used that excuse to my Aunt many years ago and he was having an affair. Anyway I guess I didn’t want to believe it was possible. I mean things weren’t that great with us for a little while. I was and still am going through menopause and basically had no feeling of wanting anything sexual with him and we had really not been communicating that great either. The thing is I NEVER would have thought of going outside our marriage. We made a commitment to each other and I just would never do that to him.
So the story is that his ex-girlfriend from high school friended him on facebook (OMG how many stories do you hear of this?) and he was SO OVERWHELMED (his words) with emotion he just didn’t know what to do with it. You see he was so in love with this girl before and during his time overseas during the Vietnam War. He landed at the airport and she wasn’t there and she told him later on that she was engaged to be married to someone else.
I decided to look at my wireless usage details and there were all these text/phone calls from a number I didn’t know and confronted him with this. He told me it was so and so. So now I found out he’s been carrying this torch around for over 40 years. I was COMPLETELY DEVASTATED and yelled and screamed etc, etc. The next day I told him to leave.
Since then I decided to take him back and try to heal this marriage. (It’s been a month) He is remorseful and says he realizes that what we have is more important to him then what he had with her more than 40 years ago.
My problem is that I can’t seem to stop crying and wondering if I can ever forgive him for what he did. I don’t know if this feeling goes away. I’m scared that it won’t and I don’t want to prolong the possible inevitable. What I mean is if it doesn’t go away then I think I would rather pull off the band-aid fast. You know what I mean? If you pull a band-aid off quickly it hurts but it goes away faster than pulling it off slowly.
So I can’t stop obsessing over this and it sucks! Can I ever really trust him again? Can a marriage be saved? It’s so sad. He was my best friend and I would go to him when I felt the way I feel now, but it’s him that is making me feel this way and I can’t go to him for this. He was my whole world. I allowed myself to become one with him and now I have to find myself again. Can it be done? I’m so scared!
We are going to a therapist, but quite frankly I don’t think he’s doing anything. I mean maybe he gave me a couple of good ideas, but I feel I am the one that will have to help myself through this.
So here I am writing this when I should be working. Thanks for “listening”
Any helpful advice would be appreciated.
Rhonda- two words for you KEY LOGGER.
The only advise is stay strong and give it time. Get out and have fun and look after yourself well. Time time time. Talk to your friends about it and get it off your chest. Wish I had better advise sorry I know what your feeling and TIME in my case is a healer. Save your money and just wait it out. Hugs xx
I agree Aussie Guy, give it time. I am 10 months from D-Day and now 2 months since I told my husband he had to move out. About 6 weeks ago my whole attituide changed and I started doing things for me, keeping busy, going on short trips and just moving on for me. I stopped calling or texting my husband and pretty much have moved on. I do still love my husband and am still not ready to file for divorce. I also started casually dating one man who approached me , just something that happened. Nothing serious but it has been interesting and enjoyable.
Last night my husband came by to pick up his bike and I asked him if he wanted to stay for dinner. I noticed he looked exhausted and stressed. Well he started talking, how the guilt is pretty much eating him up, he is not depressed but he realizes what he has done and he noticed that I am doing well. He commented that he misses my texting him and calling him and that he does not want anyone else enjoying me or having me. He noticed I have changed. I sat and listened. He is worried what others think of him and if we got back together how could he ever face my family. How could I want him back, how can we as a family heal. It was like a Wow moment… it sounds like he is coming out of his fog. He feels horrible guilt as to what he has done to me, our boys, her husband and her children.
So I did not say a whole lot other than this is between him and I only, my extended family will fall into place, they only want what is best for me and for me to be happy. So now we shall see. It is not time for him to come home yet, he still has a lot more work to do and so do I. I now really have to figure out can I truly take him back and do the hard work? Do I love him enough? Does he love me enough?
I have grown so much in the last 10 months, at times the pain was so horrible I would just curl up and sob. I cried last night just out of relief and now realizing I have to really think hard on what is in my heart and what do I truly want.
So stay strong, give it time, take care of YOU and yes getting out with friends is a must. My friends have been my life line especially since I told my husband he had to leave in January. When I was told time helps I did not believe it. Now I do and it really does. I am in a much better place today.
Thanks for the responses.
So that old saying “time will heal” is true? I guess I want it to be over now. (The pain, the obsessive snooping I do, the overall feeling of not being in control) I hate that this has taken over my thoughts and life to such a degree.
I actually just told my best friend yesterday what I’m going through. It did feel like a weight was lifted for that moment. I guess I didn’t want to say anything because then it’s real. You know what I mean?
So I will go through my days and cry and be angry at times and sad, but in the end will I grow? It’s been such a long time since I thought only of me. It’s kinda scary. I don’t know if I can/want to do that. I like being part of a team, but you know what as I’m writing this I’m realizing that along the way I lost me. I have to find me. I’m going to really work on that and maybe that will take over my thoughts and I will gain control again.
Thanks again for your replies…
So last night I went out for dinner and drinks with a girlfriend. I had a great time and realized it was something that I had missed. I guess over the years I hadn’t realized how isolated I had become. I either didn’t feel like going out, H made me feel guilty for going out, and/or I felt like I needed to be home to “supervise” (false sense of contro, I know). Anyway, at some point in the evening he must have texted me, which I didn’t see until this morning (I ended up staying at my friends because driving would not have been prudent). I immediately felt guilty for not having answered him when he texted me thinking “OMG he must be thinking the worst!” and actually felt sorry for him for possibly making him feel like that. Mind you, not only had he cheated on me, he would THREATEN to cheat on me when he felt like he was being neglected. He did that to me once as I walking out the door to a week long conference for work that I had to go to. Needless to say, I was a basket case for the whole week. And of course, he did the same to thing to me recently after moving out as most of you had already read from one of my earlier posts. Having a little “guys from work” party at our house and didn’t reply to my texts for almost 24 hours. So, WTF is wrong with me? I had a great time with my friend (Jules, I sooo could relate to your post about doing fun things to make you happy) but does the guilt go away? I get so pissed at myself that I feel like I owe him answers and details, even after all he has done to me. He had said and threatened me with some pretty horrible things in the past…..
I am soooo glad I am a “Scorpio” (even if some of you think that’s silly), all I’m trying to say is that as soon as he walked out the door there’s was no “looking back” for me and I had absolutely NO feelings of guilt or remorse or a bad conscience for ANYTHING I felt about him, thought about him, did TO him (sweet revenge….and it felt OH SO GOOD!!!!) ever entered my mind! He didn’t deserve ANYTHING kind or good or decent from me EVER AGAIN IN THIS LIFETIME!!!! He is perplexed (I have found out through my kids) that I am going to be so stubborn as to NEVER put this behind us and eventually be able to be one big, happy family and get together on holidays and special occassions, etc….. FYI: I WILL NEVER MEET THAT SLUT OF HIS OR HIS NEW CHILDREN EVER, EVER, EVER!!!!! It amazes me that he thinks this is something that should just all blow over!!!!!! Can you say NARCISSIST!!!!!!
Freebird, Yay for Scorps!
Freebird,
Remember…
“He who laughs last, laughs best”!
I wish those twin babies a wonderful life.
I hope your ex husband regrets his “addiction” for the rest of his life!
Good for you Jules doing well. But be careful out there its a jungle. Too many men out there same as your husband. Take it easy get to know them well if you can before you jump in the sack with them. Once you go there you have to realise you are putting yourself in a place where you can be hurt again. To be rejected again can really hurt you big time. Keep your pants firmly up and don’t do what a lot of women and men do and get to involved emotionally and sexually before your ready to do that. Just don’t get lust and love mixed up its two very different things as you should know by now. The human thing to do is to get revenge but that will hurt if its goes wrong. The worst thing in the world you can do to yourself is be hurt again when your not even healed from your former love. Becareful won’t you. Cheers
Just think what you can spend your money on to make you feel good rather than giving it to your councillor to make them feel good. I spent around $1000 or even more just to find out in the end it was just TIME that counted. Go spend that money you save on a new hair style, a massage, dance lessons, day in a beauty spar whatever blows your skirt up and you will feel so much better than sitting there on your pity pot. It not easy but you will feel that as the days roll by it gets easier. Remember your brick wall you have in front of you start chipping out foot holes in it and start to climb it. I’m 2 years down the Sh*t track and you know what I am peaking over the top of it now and things look wonderful on the other side . I see a future now that I never dreamed would happen. Its true so believe in yourself and go get life back it’s very possible. Love you all and good luck. Cheers
I have to agree with AussieGuy I really think all that therapy babble is a waste of time and money. All that is really going onwith that is exactly what we are doing on this threat……venting and getting it all out! If all AussieGuy got for his $1,000+ is “time heals all wounds”, he got ripped off for sure. Hey AussieGuy, did you also get roped into cramming a bunch of anti-depressants down your throat? They’re big on that too and I just refuse to start all of that!
Hey, has anyone else experienced having your credit go down the toilet cause the ‘ex’ doesn’t know how to pay his bills on time or regularly? I’ve just discovered that because he has not refinanced all the properties that were awarded to him in the divorce (that my name is STILL on), that my credit score is SHOT!!! aarrgghh!!!! But I found out today that he can afford to pay a Nanny to help with the brats (I’m sure that has to be close to $20/hour!!!)…..aarrgghh! And of course, he’s NEVER on time with the alimony payment!!!! As a matter of fact I’ve got a lawyer working right now to take him to court over not refinancing yet AND being delinquent in an alimony payment…….”revenge is a dish best served cold” !!!! Ice cold, just like that cavity in his chest where a heart is supposed to be!
Thanks LadyGator, Thanks Joan! Oh, and also…..that’s not all he’s addicted to…..he’s an alcoholic as well and that will surely catch up with him at some point! I truly don’t see good things in his future……not with the way things appear to be stacked up against him from what I can tell. “Be careful what you wish for” !!!!
Oh yeah the old antidepressants crap story. Yeh I took them for 2 mths found I was a walking zomby and didn’t make any difference to my grief at all. Matter fact I found I had to greive anyhow its part of the healing process. That stuff does nothing to a normal brain in the way of softening the blow. People that go crazy that helps them maybe don’t know. I found I thought of ending it all when I was on them because I think they gave to the balls to do such a thing. Didn’t really care what happened to me so that’s very dangerous. I gave up riding my Harley as I rode it too fast didn’t really give a crap about me or anyone else. I went off them cold turkey and man was that bad. I shook and felt tingles in my feet and hands for weeks but was the best thing I done as when those conditions went I felt alive again. Be careful what doctors want you to take, work it out for yourself. You know what I found the best for the strees I felt? It was a natural herb called St Johns Wart for a health shop and I still take them and they do more for me that the doctors stuff. It will take a few weeks to work but I found it so good. So try it, hell of a lot better for you . Sorry girls again I’ll say its time you will see soon. And God of corse he helps heal the hurts I’m sure of that and I’m not a religious nut either so go figure. Cheers and chins up you hear!
St John’s Wort supposed to be. Don’t wants his warts do we haha:)
Tried anti-depressants and I gained 40 lbs. If I wasn’t depressed before, I was certainly was after 40 lbs! Went off of them, threw myself into my martial arts (Krav Maga), lost the weight and learned to kick ass – quite literally! Got so good I graduated levels. I am recuperating from a surgical procedure but looking forward to going back. It’s very cathartic
welp i’ve been with my husband for 3 years we have a 2 year old son, and i figured out 7 months ago that hes been trying to see my sisters naked and staring at them all the time and thats the only reason he stays with me is to be around them, he thought about them while we was having sex and would fantisize about me leaving him and gettin to screw them, then he told me that he couldnt help it that he couldnt stop doing this and that hes been having alot of doubts on if he ever really loved me, ok well after i went on for 3 months thingin this, he comes out and tells me that he realized that he really did love me, and that all that was a lie, that he only thought about them because i made him feel intemedated during sex and the rest of the times was because he felt like he ment nothing to me and it was like a in your face thing, and he said that he never thought they looked good that it was just because it was someone that might would like him, when i asked him why he told me all of that to begin with, he said it was because all of the fighting and he thought that sayin that would make me leave and taking some time apart would help, i dont know what to think though, because either way that was over a year and a half of thinging of (HIS SISTER IN LAWS) while we had sex, and lying to me about everything, i had so many feeling of being lied to but when i would say something to him he would tell me that i would just have to leave it i dont believe him, he never got a chance to be alone with them and i really believe thats the only reason he didnt take it further cause he didnt have a chance to, but he is very violet, he cusses at me and calls me a whore and treatens me whenever i bring anything up about how hes took all of my trust and broke my heart, and he acts this was infront of our son, is a guy like this really worth being with, im not sure how i feel about him but i do know that i’ll never trust him of feel safe with him and iam not in love with him, i just feel so trapped in this mess, we never get along for more then a day out of like 2 weeks, and im tryin my best to b e a good mother to our son but he makes it so hard with the things he does infront of him and how depressed i have been, it sucks knowing you cant talk about it or do anything like seem to be in a down mood without getting freaked out on, i mean does this really seem like someone that loves you and wants a good honest relationship?
I found out that my husband had an affair after 14 years and two children. I was completely blindsided all I knew was that he had started acting really different. I was so busy working 2 jobs and juggling all the kids stuff I just didnt see what was happening in front of my eyes. He met up with an old girlfreind from years ago on facebook. They started talking and texting constantly. I think what really hurt the most is that he had so little respect for me that he did all these things without ending our marraige first, we had always said we would end it first. The thing that is hard for me and I dont know if I will ever get over is that the betrayal was not just physical. It went way beyond that. He told her that he had named our son after her. He blamed me everything that wasn’t right in our lives. He told me that he had been invited to a freinds house for a birthday party in another state of course. I said what about me your just going to fly away and have a good time and leave me here working what about me. He got real mad of course and as it turns out it was just a ruse to meet up with this woman. They had mutual freinds that helped them get together. I had to work that weekend so he arranged to have other people watch our children and the dog, he left me a note that said he would be back on Sunday. I had tried to reach out to him a few days before he left by writing to him since we werent talking but even then I knew what he was doing but still didnt really know I actually believed he was going to his freinds. He never said anything to me about the letter just continued to treat me like crap. I found out that once he arrived there he asked her to marry him. Yup, really. The first night there was a party and her husband and children were there. That really makes me sick, and then the next night a freind hooked them up with a place to stay. Looking at the phone records his children called him that night and he still went through with everything. He came back and a few days later asked me for a divorce, later he told me that she was pressuring him to do that and had tried to convince him to not come back at all. You see the two of them had a plan to get back together after he and I paid off some bills and he knew his kids would be ok. I still didnt know the truth but a freind told me hey somethings not right. Well she texted him one morning and it said good morning my love, I confronted him with it. I kept his phone and started trying to figure out what was happening. I contacted one of his freinds it was the other womans good freind who had given them a place to stay and she told me that he was there with her that weekend. Once I knew the truth he then says he ended it with her but she told me that he was crying and very distraught and said he wanted to kill himself. He claims he was so distrught because of everything he had done and that he knew our marriage was over, yeah right. Anyway he acted weird, unremorseful and lied and lied and lied some more I found out all the details from talking to the other woman and her freind. So here we are almost 2 years later and I find evidence on the computer that he is visiting web sites where he can chat with other woman. He claims he just did it once and realized it was wrong and left. He says its because our relationship is not good because he keeps trying and I keep pushing him away. That is true because I have allowed him to stay but I am not sure what the future holds or what I want. It has taken me this long to just finally get to the point where I am not crying every single day. I have been in mourning and I keep waiting for him to say or do something that tells me he does really love me and that he didnt really love her as crazy as that sounds something to hold onto but it never happens. He just doesnt want to deal with any of it and when I don’t trust him or have something to say he just gets mad. Its like he just wants me to never speak of it and act like it never happened. I am so confused right now, who is this guy? I stay for my kids and for financial reasons. I am not sure why but it feels good to write this all down. This is real, this is what happened, and not to have to pretend it did not, but how do you move forward from this-is it even possible?
No Kim, it doesn’t. It doesn’t sound good on any level and it’s not good for the baby to be raised in that environment. Please find a safe haven for yourself and your child! Good luck and stay safe!
Hi Kim and welcome. Sounds like you really are in a mess with what you say. I feel sorry for you that your husband is doing this to you. My guess he does sense you don’t love him and thats maybe a way of making you a little jealous in a sick way. If you don’t love him it will never work and you have to make a big change in your life and I know how scary that can be. Have you ever loved this guy or just what he is doing to you made you feel this way? I really don’t think you can have a sexual relationship with someone you don’t love its like going through the motions andwon’t last .Talk to your sisters about this and see whats really going on if you can. Hope you find what your looking for. Maybe you should leave and see if he really loves you that might bring him out of the woods.Give him a fright. Talk to your heart about wether he is worth the stress. You have to weigh up the good with the bad, make a list of them and if the bad is more than the good do something about it. Sounds like he has a big fantasy problem. You deserve better sweetheart. Good luck Cheers
Suzy
Your story sounds alot like mine. My husband’s affair lasted for almost 2 years before I found out. Our relationship was also terrible and I knew something was wrong, but couldn’t pay attention because I was always to busy with work and raising for little ones who were 1,2, 4 and 6 when his started. He also blamed me for everything that went wrong in our marraige, but the truth is that as soon as we started having kids he kind of emotionally checked out. I think it’s because they took away from him and he couldn’t handle that in a childish way. He has a lot of parent issues from his childhood. Anyways, I am only three months from the day I found out and I still cry every day. I am still in the mourning phase. I ask the same questions you do every day that I am here with him. How do you ever get over this kind of pain. Epecially when you know that your husband loved another woman while he was with you and never had the respect for you that you deserve. Word for word I feel all the pain and everything you describe in your feelings. I to am changed forever and will never be able to trust or fully love someone ever again. It’s very sad and so am I. I am sorry your pain in so great. When you said that all you wanted was for him to tell you how sorry he was or show you how bad he feels about it, I feel that same way about mine. You aren’t the only one out there that feels this way. Your words could have been written by me. Your story could have been written be me. Hugs to you
I would love to hear from one person on this site that they are a better person for staying and that their marriage is stronger than ever. I would love to hear from someone that this has happened to that there is a good reason for staying and that things will work out for myself and my husband. Is there anyone who reads this site, who has stayed, and can honestly say that it was the best thing that has happened to them in the end, that they are stronger, their relationship is stronger and they both have a better love for each other now that they went through this. I need some words of hope when I am in such a dark place. Anyone?
Rhonda…there is a positive recovery section on this site.
With that said…your marriage is your own “story”, not theirs. I know people that have stayed together after the affair, they say their marriage is “better”. I beg to differ…I know of one couple and they fight all the time when his “behavior” is similar to that of when he was having the affair…going out to bars all the time to watch the race or game or whatever. I know another couple and she was the one that cheated…it was a onetime..one night stand while she was on a business trip, she confessed right away, they went to therapy and the whole nine yards. The other couple that I mentioned first…did not get any help, they just “dealt” with it by telling each other to get over it. I would suggest figuring out if YOU want to stay and why you want to stay.
Rhonda…..I have to agree with Em. As for me, even though we ‘attempted’ to reconnect and make the marriage work (and believe me, I put a TON of work in it) what ultimately happened was he just continued with his sneaky philandering ways and lied to me every day about loving me and growing old together (and where he was, and who he was with, etc) ……until he found the “girl” that totally had him awe-struck and he turned on a dime…..into a cruel, mean, hateful, cold, heartless, callous bastard, on the day he walked out the door (out of the blue…..after being with her on the weekend where he lied, of course, as to what he was doing). So you may hear of someone who is saying that “things are going great and we are working really hard at reconnecting, etc”, but as I know, that doesn’t mean a thing. Listen to your gut…..it NEVER lies! In hind-sight that is soooo clear to me now! Good luck and stay strong!
Try this site everyone then we can chat to eachother just a thought. http://www.infidelity-help.com/chatroom/?utm_source=break-free-from-the-affair&utm_medium=banner&utm_campaign=Chatroom%2BBanner%2Bv1
Thanks Aussieguy, it is a jungle out there
I am taking it One Day at a Time and that helps a lot, plus slow! I am casually seeing and texting this new man and he is very aware of my entire situation. As for my husband, well I have moved away and am doing really well. Then of course he comes over just a few nights ago and starts talking. He misses me, he noticed I am not calling him, texting him other than to get together to pay bills (I do not work, he has and is the sole financial support) and he misses me sending him messages or calling to just check in. He also said that he has seen me become so strong and confidant and he does not want anyone else to snatch me up and enjoy what he is seeing. He is at his lowest point ever in his life and the guilt is wracking him. Great, just when I am doing really well he finally starts getting it. I did not know what to say other than I thanked him and told him I am doing really well and I love who I have grown into and who I am becoming.
So this did set me back a little bit but once again I am pulling myself up and moving forward. I said I would give this one year and that is coming up in late May. Truthfully I am not sure now but I do know we still have a connection and I do still love him but he knows I can not and will not live another day with him and how he was. I am feeling the only thing I am going to say to my husband is that he knows what we need to even consider reconciling and I will take nothing less. I have finally learned I am worth it and my marriage is worth it.
Time really does help heal. I have been in individual therapy for me and it has helped me a lot. My husband and I need a third party for communication. I do see that we will need couples therapy as we have not been successful at this on our own.
So yes I am being careful and maybe dating was not the best idea but it fell into my lap and I am enjoying life.
Hi Jules,
It sounds like you are doing well and I admire the way you responded to your H. This April will be the one year anniversary of my divorce….bitter sweet. June 22 will be the two year anniversary of the day I found out..June 2 would have our 12 year wedding anniversary. Over the last year or so, my ex has come to me about 4 times now asking to get back together…I have told him from day 1 what I needed and what needed to be done. He just argued over it and said I was being impossible and that he and his mother did not agree with any of it, I just needed to deal with it. Funny thing happened a few weeks ago, you may have read the story…I told him I was no longer an option for him anymore. I decided at that moment, that I no longer wanted to settle for anything less than what I deserved, or what I think I deserve for a better lack of terms. Anyway, I feel better and look at things different. I have been slowly painting each room in the house a different color from what it was when he lived there. I took Aussie guy’s advice and starting redoing my landscaping. I decided that when I pull into my driveway, I wanna see my new life…not my past. I still have days of doubt/or pitty I guess. They are becoming few and far between. I have gone out on a few “dates”…I don’t think I’m ready for anything or I just haven’t met the right one yet. Idk, it is what it is I guess.
I hope everyone has a wonderful day today
Em & Jules,
You both sound so good, it is relieving to see that either way you go that there is an end in site for those of us who are just beginning this painfull journey. I am still with my H and am still going through the pain and sorrows of what happened. I still lay awake at night and wonder who the man is sleeping next to me and how he ever could have done this to me. I am hoping my answers to all the questions I wonder about will come to me some how, like am I doing the right thing by staying, is he true to what he says, does he really feel bad, does he really love me, do I still love him, should I stay with a man that is capable of this, what am I teaching my four kids, all these endless questions and of course the every day pains of times, places, and things that happened. Along with that I still have every day thoughts of a woman who I never knew, still don’t know, but has occupied my life constantly for the last 3 months. I can only hope to sound like the both of you one day and feel confident, strong, and deserving again. Thanks for the uplifting stories and words, it helps those of us who feel like we are in a dark room and can’t get out.
Hi all , That dark room you talk about will get lighter. We all know how dark it is. You will get out and see there is a lovely world out there. I’m a great believer in things happen for a reason and its just we can’t see it while we are in the dark. Don’t forget the chatroom I find it very healing and I’m way ahead of some of you in that way. Plenty of lovely people to talk to with same stories. See you all soon Cheers
thank you guys so much, im gonna get right to making that list, thats a great idea, and yes i loved him more then anything, everything i ever done was to impress or make him happy, he was my life and i never thought i would be here and feel like this, he seemed like the best guy in the world until i married him and it all just went down hill, and your right, iam scared to death of moving on, my sisters know nothing about this, everytime they see something like him chasing them around tryin to see down their shirts and stuff, i have to make up lies for him, because i know if they knew, that they would just go ahead and sleep with him and then i would be trapped, i would have to spend everyday seeing them and knowing that this is why my marrage will never work, i wouldnt care if this could be anyone else but this is my family and i cant take living everyday around them pretending nothing is wrong
Rhonda — you are not alone. It’s been a year for me (today is the anniversary of the day I found out — the next two days it all unraveled and I discovered all of the emails and text messages) — so I feel your pain. He has given me no reason to doubt him now – I believe he has changed and “woken” up……but the fear is will it last and since he was capable of it before, what steps is he taking to be able to control it in the future — assuming he wants to. So I understand. I just hope I can respect him in the future — many aspects of him are respectable and admirable – but some are not……. I’m taking the high road this week — I’m giving it the chance it deserves — since I made a vow — but if anything comes close to this in the future — I will leave and know I did my best — it is his issue. Not mine. I meet people/men very easily — and sometimes think there are so many more interesting people out there to talk to and bring into my life. So all would not come to an end — it would just be a new beginning. I’m ok either way — have a good week.
Dear Rohnda, I’ts too soon to say that things will last but since finding out about my husbands cheating and realizing that he is addicted to porn we have had the best communication we have shared in years. I found a book called Cupids Poisoned Arrow that has really helped me to understand what has been going on with him. To anyone who thinks like I did, that porn is just a normal thing that men enjoy and is harmless please look up this book and also a site called Your brain on Porn. Porn ,chat rooms and these internet sex sites are addictive, as you become desensitized you need a bigger thrill to acheive that rush of dopamine and what started off as just looking eventually leads to more. Any how back to the point my husband is working on breaking his addiction and I am working on feeling better about myself (that is key for me)and we are working together on our marriage, Will this succeed I can’t say but for now we are really remembering why we fell in love in the first place and it’s been years since I have felt that way towards him. So I wish you and all the other people on this site who want to work things out the best and hope our progress so far offers you some hope. Just remember no matter what you have to love yourself above all else. To all of you who leave good for you because you have made the decision that is best for you. Kim I feel awful for you please know you and your son are in my thoughts and prayers I hope you find your way to happiness again and I would also hope that you sisters would be there to help you,if not know that inside there is a strong woman and mother and that you can do whatever you need to on your own if neccessary, just believe inyourself. Sending you a warm hug you ,are not alone.
Hello ladies, I am so glad I am not the only one!… I know that Hubands cheat but never do you think yours will. The way I found out was by emails. He was replying to Clist ads about sex from girls. I mean really?! I was so furious (one because he canT say he doesnt get enough at home why?! because my sex drive is as high as his. Second was the hiding acts) that I packed his belongings and kicked him out. After thinking it through I called him to come home to discuss it and to see if we can move on from it, he already decided with a definite answer NO. I then acted nicely to get more information out of him and asks if he wanted me to pay his phone bill, he agreed and I took advantage and retrieve all his phone records and there was this number of this girl he was talking to. I could not believe it. I knew there was a reason for him deciding on NO. When I confronted him about it he already had slept with her. WOW!!!!!! I am mad just thinking about it and it happened a year ago in APril. The man you think you know so well, you eally dont know at all. He risked it all for this woman. Cut the story short we are back together but its been a war! with myself. Triggers, images, thoughts, and words that make me change my mind everyday. Should I stay or should I let him go and do better? I spoke with the OW and she said everything and anything to make herself seem like she didnt care , BS. She just mad he came back to me, Which I knew he would! OW need to learn if your going to deal or mess with a married man what makes you think he will leave his wife for you? what you so speacial, its not whats between your legs! at least in my case it wasnt, I give it to him way much better. Anyways, sorry. Argh! I want to know if this marraige is worth anything. I found out he talked to different girls for two years including one of exes but had no face to face meetings or sex. He had sex with the OW after I kicked him out and that so called relationship only lasted maybe four to 6 wks. But he did had a conversation or two throuh texts before I kicked him out with her. He is deeply hurting and is completly sorry for what he has done and to his only family. I see it as Blah Blah Blah because I still hurt. The OW said of course he going to go back he doesnt want to lose the child and wants to keep his family guy status goin for him, Is that true? or am I letting her get to me? I has no communication with her and believe I know he has a n app installed in his phone that he doesnt know where I keep track of everything!. And when she did callonce he told me right away and did not answer her call, true too. He hates wat he did and wants his family back. He even broke down and said he said everything wa my fault because he wasnt man enough to take responsibilty for his actions and he was weak as a man and husband, wow right! but there is that part that said yeah right asshole, I know youll do it again! UGh!! Please help. What is that am I doing wrong? or should I let go because I actually have man who is truly sorry and I am being to hard on him? What is it that I need to do?
Melissa…..all I can tell you (from what I’ve been through) is that I gave in and gave him a second chance and he fed me all the “believable” lies right up until he proved he hadn’t stop cheating at all. I immediately filed for divorce. “Fool me once, shame on you…….fool me twice, shame on me”. But I DO understand why we attempt to repair things……it’s just that my “gut” knew better, but my heart just didn’t want to believe it. Go with your gut, it never lies!
Melissa,
I have asked those same questions on this site a million times. My husband is sorry as well and has no contact either, but there is still this part of me that thinks he should pay dearly for what he has done. I still don’t even know how he ever could of done that to someone else ever, but remember it takes two to tango, meaning the OW, she had a part in it too. I also realized after many millions of hours of thinking that our marriage wasn’t good either. I did put my kids completely in front of him and that does not by any many excuse his behaviour, but I can see how men can get lonely, I mean I was lonely every day feeling like I had a husband who wanted no part of me or the kids. I can’t answer those questions for you because I am still trying to answer them for myself. I also want to believe how sorry he is and I want to put my faith back in him, but then again I do not. I do love him, but have this huge wall and block in front of me now that I will never love him in the same way. I wish you as much luck as the rest of us in this awful journey that we have not chosen to take, but must struggle through. Lots of people on this site say that it just takes time to heal and that the answers will come. I am putting my faith in these people, because they have been there before. I love this site and faithfully read and check all the time, just to know that there are others out there and for some friendly advice. Hugs to you.
Thank you for the words, i am very glad I found this website, really. i really had no one talk to so to find ladies like yourselves with the same situatuion i feel relieved, sorry to say that for all of us though to meet this way.
@Freebird i know exactly what you mean about that gut feeling, i had that gut feeling during the time he was calling random girls through Love Lines. Hahaha. Anyways, Now my gut feeling saids hes sincere and I dont feel this way because I love him but because I have been giving him Hell!!! and loved every minute of it to bring him down,make him cry, belittle him, and rub in his face that I slept with someone while we were separated. In the end of every arguement though I felt bad and I knew that if I felt that bad even after he did what he did it was because I still loved him. He really wants to make it work. I at times know hes sorry but Like Rhonda saids i have that wall and wont let anyone break it especially HIM. It really is my choice to make it work I guess??!!… Hes back and there are times when he cries just by looking at me and my daughter in our home and I ask why are you crying? he replies with I am so sorry, so sorry for my bad and poor choice. i just look at him and say good, but I know thats why wall talking. SO I am truly fighting with myself….. talk about split personality. SMH
Anyways I know if I want to give this a real try I cant see him as my husband but as a new guy that I just met and want to get to know. He already knows because I told him loud and clear I am not in love with you anymore. He replies with ” fine then I will make you fall in love with me all over again and show you that man you met is still here”. We will see. He knows that if I see or feel anything is wrong then I wont hesitate and bury his ass in court and I will have full custody of our child. I will be his worst enemy. But! still fighting with myself to believe or not? ah!
Hi everyone, I haven’t posted in quite a while. I have been just involved in LIFE– Spring is a busy time in our house- with spring sports, school, work, gardening, an unexpected bathroom remodel, etc…. I still read the posts several times a week and wanted to say how wonderful it is to know that Jewels has built a place that has become a space for such an amazing community of people. We have all walked in the same shoes and we all understand every emotion posted here- all of it– the good and the bad. There is so much comfort here-just knowing that someone else truly understand, but also a huge amount of saddness because the only way that someone truly understands — is that they too have lived it– and the pain is so great! That really makes me sad- so many lies, affairs, mistakes, and heartbreaks. I will focus on the comforting part of the site
I just wanted to let Tweety know that I think about you often girl. I am so glad you went to the seminar in Seattle. Sounds like you and your husband are moving. That is great. I am so glad that you are focusing on YOU, and what you want– that is the KEY. I am so proud of you– I know it is hard, but you made it this far-feels good doesn’t it? To Lisa P., Mitch, Ella, and especially Jewels- Thank you for this place, your comforting words, and kindness. You helped me through a real turning point in my life- and I am grateful to you all. I always know you are here– and that is a huge comfort. My husband and I are doing great. Still moving forward, working hard on our marriage and ourselves. Still in therapy, but not as often and nowhere near as dramatic. Last year seems so far away now– there are still moments of panic- trigger panic (you all know) but they are so short lived- sometimes it even surprises me. My therapist says that is because my sense of self has gotten so strong. I know what I want, and won’t settle for anything less. I still do yoga, and it still gives me peace, and gets me some ME time. Tweety, you sparked an old desire of mine- when you told me you were a runner. One of my daughters and I just signed up for training– Yikes– we will start with a 5 or 10K race first
This should be fun. I know setting a goal way outside my comfort zone is good for me now, I think it will be one of the biggest accomplishments for me this decade 
My husband continues to work through all his guilt. I think that even though I have forgiven him, he may never forgive himself- but that is one of the consequences that he has to live with. I am so thankful that we did save our marriage and we are in a better place than we ever were before.
I just want all of you that post here to know that while an affair may be part of all our lives, we can’t let it define our lives. Live Strong, Live Happy, but most of all Live for YOURSELF! Hugs and Peace my friends.
JB
Thank you for your words of wisdom in saying that an affair may be part of our lives, but we can’t let it define our lives. I, for one, need to say this everyday of my life. It does make me feel much better! Thanks again!
Wow JB you are an inspiration to all of us. I wish I could be in the place that you are in right now. My H had to see the OW for the first time in 3 months yesterday as her daughter is on his high school softball team. It was a terrible day for me. I don’t think he even realized how awful it would be for me. When he got home after his game I asked him how it went and he said this…. She came at the end of the first set and he said he tried to not make contact with any of the fans in the stands. He said he then saw her leaving at the end to go to her truck. I asked him what she was wearing and he said her work clothes. This may sound crazy but if you know when she cam and left and you know what she was wearing, then you were trying to pay attention, because I guarantee you didn’t know what the other parents were wearing. I didn’t sleep last night. I have to deal with him seeing her atleast 23 more times in the next two months because of this and I am not sure I will make it through. He has vowed not to talk to her, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t feeling things for her everytime he sees her. I just don’t know what to do with this. I told him last night for the first time in three months that I cannot stay strong with this pain anymore, I cannot fight or feel like I am competing for his heart. He swears up and down I am not, but honestly how will I ever know. I just want to be out of this horrible place of no trust, no faith, no feeling of home. Thanks for letting me vent. I hope you all have a great weekend.
@ RHONDA I am so sorry you have to experience that feeling all over again knowing you are trying to work things out. Its like if life or God is testing your patience. I would like to say BE STRONG. Dont let her get the best of you, she is no nobody. You are his wife and he came back to you. He did not leave you for her. So be strong. We women for that because we devote our energy to our husbands but no more. Lets show them not we are strong independent women and we will not be walked all over. I have noticed that once we as wives put our foot down they get intimidated and come back crying BOO HOO so sorry honey. It just show we have the power and we forget that sometimes because we are willing to make them happy at all cost. But ladies lets show them that we dont need it or them if they dont shape up. You will see a difference. I sure did with my situation. Therapist agreed with my change of personality as well. I am also working it out with my H and have to to realize that this OW will get the best of me!. She has made me show my H and her at times how weak I can be but now that he came back to ME. I have to show she did not WIN!. The other OWs can say what they want, do what they want but the if your H comes back to you is because you WON. (Unless he cheates repeatedly and gets her pregnant, thats a dealbreaker for me). Sorry ladies (OWs) I dont hate you or blame you, you are your own problem, not mine. My husband is my problem and I will be by his side to help him be who can be for his sake, not mine. I know we cant trust them now. SO I will admit I have added an app to his phone which is invisible, so he cannot locate it, and I can see every text, call history, GPS location. I know this sounds like too much but If I cant trust him now by him telling me “trust me I wont do it again” then I will have to do it my way. By seeing it for myself, eveidence. Anyways we are working it out as well and for now is going ok. We are taking it day by day and know from each other that we still have alot of love for each other. But I know if he chooses to lie and cheat again its because he made another wrong choice and our marriage will be no more. I gave a second chance but not a third. Unacceptable to me and will not put our daughter through it again or myself.
Rohnda, Even though my husband and I have been reconnecting and seem to be in a good place today I too worry about him seeing the OW at the next conference and have moments of doubt about everything wondering if I’ll find something else that hurts me all over again. This aftrenoon he called to say he has to stay at work late because he is going out of town for work next week and needs to get things in order before he leaves. This seems reasonable but my first thought was is he meeting someone can I believe him, will he cheat while he’s away. This is very hard to deal with but I know I have to learn to navigate through these feelings and come to realize I will survive with or without him. It is so unfair that we have to suffer this way but at least we have eachother to learn from and gain support. Also your husband may be aware of what the OW is wearing because he has to be aware of her to avoid her so try to take comfort in that he told you about her and was willing to answer your questions. Wishing you well. JB I purchased some type of spyware last October but never even tried to install it partially because I just didn’t want to spy but also I don’t really think I would know how to use it. Could you tell me more about the phone thing I really feel the need to know for sure that there are no more secrets no matter how much it hurts.You do sound strong and I take great comfort in knowing that I can get there someday too.
Hi to all, I also feel the same way I need to know if he is telling the trueth so I am very keen to find out about this phone spy thing.
Ladies, Jewels is the real inspiration here, but thank you– glad to help. Gimlet, I think it was Melissa B that has the invisible phone app. Sounds like a good tool. Let me put my two cents in on all these trust issues ladies. I know how you feel, hurt, you hate him and you love him. You are angry because he lied to you and broke your heart and the vows that you both pledged to one another– You have been betrayed and it totally sucks. You are right to be angry, suspicious, and not able to trust him- that is normal. But instead of letting it drive you over the edge, take all this energy and put it towards yourself. Instead of tracking him and getting upset when you can’t reach him, go do something for you– In the beginning of my journey, I would ward off the panic or triggers by getting a pedicure, massage, or walking my dog and listening to my iPod– I had the prettiest toes in the South and the most walked dog in the city
Trust Me– Take a break from the drama he has created in your life- breathe and let yourself focus on you and not him or the OW ( I agree Melissa B the OW are nothing)– but if you continue to focus on her you are 1. giving her space in your marriage and 2. you are making her more than she is — the attention stays on the affair and the past and not on YOU and the future. Remember the OW cheated with a married man, they have way more problems than you do- As far as the pain, I know for me, I was so broken at first I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to be happy again. It wasn’t just the betrayl and the affair- it was more. It was that my life would never, ever be the same again. That is scary. What you have to look at is this- you have to feel all of the emotions, but keep looking forward at the same time-that takes time and effort- I know you are drained, but you can do it! You HAVE to feel the pain- you can’t hide it or push the emotions away- you must feel them. No way around that- if you are angry– feel it, be mad, get it out– if you don’t it will come back — I promise 
and sometimes even worse. If you are sad, feel it, and don’t feel like you have to hide it from him — he should see your pain if he is around to see it. But don’t let the emotions ruin you or take over- find that place inside of you- you know the voice that tells you who you are– listen to it- ladies this is the start of a new chapter in your life. No, you didn’t ask for it or even want it, but I assure you one day you will see that it works out just the way it is supposed to. In the mean time, you have to survive it– the only way to do it is — You have to put YOU first now. It is your chance to live the life YOU want. For me that was daunting- I didn’t know what I wanted. I had spent the last 25 years thinking I wanted just what he did- well Yikes– guess I didn’t after all. This process of finding out what you want takes time, but it is exciting if you allow yourself to be open to it– it will lead you to places you never thought you would go, and will teach you so much about yourself– good stuff- like courage and strength, friendship and love — For me the task was so overwhelming–my therapist kept me moving — she told me “take one baby step a day, and one day you will have walked a mile.” It is at the mile markers where we find the answers you are searching for– so just take baby steps. Our husbands have made a big giant mess– let them start the clean up process- sit it out for a while- he will start cleaning it up if he really wants the mess cleaned up. Your job is to make yourself feel better first- new hair, nails, clothes, or just get out and walk or enjoy a favorite past time- take in a museum, walk on the beach– whatever YOU want –you get too- find an outlet! Most of us have forgotten about ourselves in our marriages, we did the wife thing, the mother thing, the lover thing, the friend thing– Well now you get to do YOUR THING. Hopefully, your husband will want to join you on the journey, but if not- then- well you are going to be strong enough to do it on your own.–I know for me my husband likes the new more powerful me, but he also knows the ground rules and what there is to loose. You can hope that he is willing to do the work that is required to make it work , but you can’t make him(and it is A LOT of work) You can’t make him tell you the truth, you can’t even make him stop calling or seeing the OW. If he wants to see her he will. Lay down the ground rules for what you will accept. If he wants you and loves you and wants to fix himself and the marriage then he will do the work. As far as not being trusted by you — well again a consequence that he has to live with. If he does the work then this changes with time, and you will trust little by little- but again it is work, and he plays by your rules now. I refuse to spend my energy trying to be his keeper, monitor, or turn into some type of crazy spy- for goodness sakes they are grown men- stand up and act like one. If he really loves me and more importantly is worthy of me, he will do his work, not lie to me, and be an open book on all levels. I still reserve the right to this day to ask anything that I want/ at anytime even if it makes him squirm in his seat. When I laid down the ground rules for what I expected and would accept, I let it be and then focused all my energy on me for a while- In that time, I found forgiveness and hit many of the mile markers that I needed for those first critical questions- Like do I want this marriage? and Do I want this man? – Do what you need to get you in the right frame of mind to be strong for yourself, but don’t waste your energy on being his babysitter. I know for me the hard work has paid off — not because we have saved our marriage, but that I have found myself in the process– and the funny thing was I never even knew I was lost– maybe just asleep 
Just take one baby step this weekend for yourself- it will make you feel good, you will be moving, and that is good– Hugs and Peace along your journeys
JB JB JB JB
I really could read you talk about this all day. Everything you said you felt is exactly how I feel and I don’t know how to give advice for the future yet as I am not even close to being where you are. I said this earlier, you are an inspiration to all of us. You are so positive and you give great advice. Can you move to Ohio so that I could get some of that positive energy everyday like a little caffeine boost to keep me moving. My weekend all ready started off with 3 hrs of crying last night while he told me he was mad at me because he said I was telling him how he was feeling with the first meeting with the OW. I was so upset and like every other crying fit I was just trying to tell him my feelings and things that I am thinking, he for the first time took it as me telling him what he was feeling and thinking and got mad. I was so fustrated because right at that moment it felt like the rest of our marriage, where we couldn’t communicate, it was really scary, I wanted to just walk out the door. I hate this, every part of it. It makes me crazy most of the time, and an emotional wreck the rest of the time. I just want to be able to love and be loved and not have anything come in between that. Can that ever happen? Thanks again JB for all your words, you are a big help and a goal for my future.
Rhonda,
I love Ohio. A dear friend went to Miami of Ohio, and another close friend just moved to Cincinnati last year- Beautiful state. I went back to read about your story, as I have been out of the loop for a few months. Wow, 4 little ones- well that alone is enough to stress a couple out. I only have 2 and they are teens now, but I am a teacher and teach little ones- so I can’t imagine how you do it. Reading over your posts on this thread, I can see how you are struggling – but I also can see you getting stronger. I remember 3 months from D-Day. It was a time when I felt like every mood swing or trigger could be the one that sent me over the edge. Like I said I did lots of walking the dog. I found that a 20 minute walk did wonders for me. I know your children are young, but you need a break my friend. At some point in your day, you need to work out a schedule with your husband to watch your children so you can have a moment of peace for YOU. I can’t stress how important time for YOU is–it is key right now. Even if it is only 30 minutes or an hour a few times a week. Find something that interests you – anything! Just get out. 1. Your husband should understand you need time, but it also gives him time to help out with the kids- I know that is something that you said you wanted. 2. These outings will begin to be like rewards for you. You will begin to gain confidence again, and you will feel better about yourself, and in turn will have a more clear mind when trying to deal with the affairs.
One thing I will say is that you and your husband have to find a way back to one another. Look at the affairs not as an ending, but as wake up calls- and opportunities to change. The way you described your marriage before D-Day sounds familiar to a lot of us here- so familiar to me– it was life getting in the way– kids, jobs, activities, etc… the marriage and both you and your husbands wants and needs were pushed to the bottom of the pile– by the time you got to yourselves there was nothing left to give- no time, money, or energy. Welcome to Reality! I used to think that is just the way it is– Not anymore. I now know that you can make time and fullfill each others needs — it just takes effort – A LOT of effort, but if you really want to save your marriage then that is what you have to do. I know for me – I realized that I couldn’t expect to recover from an affair (my husband’s was a sexual affair with a friend’s wife) if things stayed the same. So everything had to change– our life had fallen into a pattern that worked well on paper, but in reality it was tearing us apart- it wasn’t working for US. So we revamped it all. This required lots of communication, and complete honesty from both parties. What has resulted is amazing. We have been married a long time. I didn’t think we could get out of the ruts we had dug, but we both wanted it to work. We had therapists to guide us through most of it, but the conversations were all on us. You have to tell him everything you are feeling- not just the affair stuff- it all, you also have to be honest in your answers even if they may hurt his feelings. I know my husband and I have never had that level of honesty until now. We always held back on each other, now it all comes out- and it feels good- it feels like a marriage should. We talk things out- not to say I don’t get angry or upset at him anymore, or that the affair isn’t discussed — it is just now I know all the stuff that used to stay in my head and build up gets out and is talked about- and vice versa. It is like starting all over again in our marriage- as silly as it sounds it is like dating. We laugh, talk (a lot), go out without the kids
, want to spend time together( more importantly take the time- no more excuses, and the sex (again, another conversation- but it is great). All of this is possible, but it is hard. Sure the thoughts of did I make the right decision- still pop into my head every now and then, but they are usually triggered by something- like he is being unreasonable about something- but I stop — and make myself talk to him about it- and then I can move on.
. Don’t be afraid to ask for clarity- like the “He loves me all he can” comment- maybe he should have said “I love you with all my heart or with all that I am”- Not to put words in his mouth, but sounds like something my husband would say too 
Cured him- he never asked me or expected me to take them grocery shopping again, and to this day he does the shopping for our household– without kids of course- but that is a huge help 
You both at one time in your lives had the same dreams for a life together- so now is both of your chances to get that.
If you stay or go is not your issue right now, that will come with time. What you need is to find a new plan for communication that both of you feel good about and are willing to work towards. Again, baby steps– a real heart to heart without tears, drama, or judgement is the first step. Remember to listen carefully, men sometimes have a hard time expressing themselves, and women are so overly sensitive that it is easy to miss the important things (that is straight from my therapist
As far as the family stuff, well that is baggage that both of you will have to work on together. Regardless if your marriage survives this or not, he is the father of your children and will always be a part of your lives. You have to solve these issues either way. He didn’t have those role models, so you do have to be the leader on that one and show him the ropes– again it is a man thing- they would rather just fumble through it rather than ask for help. I know for me, my husband was terrified of taking care of our girls when they were young (he was an only child- so he had no clue). Finally one day I was so frustrated that I sent him grocery shopping with both of them on a no-nap day
Remember he stayed, he says he loves you, he loves his children, he is trying– those are all positive things (many here would love to have a husband that is trying- trust me it is not the norm)- focus on those — you need some positive right now!
Stay strong my friend. Each day it gets better- you may never get all the answers you want, but if you focus on YOU -you will get the ones you need. Peace and Blessings on your journey
It is 3 weeks since I discovered my husband’s afffair – Im really glad I came across this website – everyones stories have been very inspirational and encouraging for me during these difficult times. I am also reading a book “My husband’s affair became the BEST thing that ever happened to me ” – I highly recommend this book. Thank you JB for your comments – reading them feels that I do have hope – initially my husband didnt show any remorse at all – but we started couple counselling and for the first time last week – I show remorse in him and after the session I thought I would feel victorious or gloat on his remorse but I did not – I just felt sad – felt pity for him – did not feel angry – pitied him for being alone and for where he is today due to his thoughtless actions. I felt blessed and fulfilled with the support of my kids, friends and family and above all my dignity – I would always be able to look at myself in the mirror with pride – I would be able to stand up in front of god with no shame whereas he is never going to be able to do that.
I never thought the darkness and sadness would lift – I have never felt such grief ever and I never believed it when I read these columns but it is already starting to get better- I do see the sun shining behind those dark clouds and I am going to start living for myself now. Thank you all for your support and inspiration. Please continue to share – it does help
Crush, So glad you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Like you when my husband spent three days in bed not eating and finally was ready to talk honestly he cried and rather than feeling triumphant that now he hurt like me, I was overcome with sadness and wanted strangely to comfort him. The important thing is I knew he loved ME and was genuinely sorry for the hurt he saw in my eyes and pain in my voice. We have a long way to go but we are really trying to work on our marriage together. So often it is one partner putting in all the work, it has to be a joint effort. Anyway I just had to wish you and all the other broken hearts on this site well.Once again Jewels Thank You.
My situation is getting complicated. I am 10 1/2 months from D-Day, we separated last summer for a month then my husband asked to move home. We attempted couples therapy once and that was a disaster and he refused to go again. But he began individual therapy in October and I am in therapy too. When my husband moved home he continued his lies and every time I caught him, this caused further distancing. he married OW was always in the background and she is a piece of work, on 2/24 she hit me with her car as I walked away from her in a parking lot, I did file a Police Report. You could tell by the look on her face she hates me and wants nothing less than for me to drop out of the picture 100%. My husband admitted they talk, no sex and she is pushing him to divorce me. She won’t do the same until my husband does it first, real class act she is (sarcasm)… He was hot/cold with me, refused to apologize, refused to read any books and only went to therapy 1 or 2 times a month. So fast forward to January of this year and I told him, we begin couples therapy or you leave, he left. It was hard and I realized I was the only one working hard on this marriage.
So I decided enough, moved forward and stopped contact, only contact regarded finances, family and our children. Well he noticed and has made comments and misses my contact and told me he does not want anyone else to snatch me up or enjoy the “new me” he sees. He wants intimacy again but has still not brought up couples therapy. He is expressing great guilt and remorse. So now I am in conflict as I know what I want and need and deserve. Yes I dated and met another man who I know has backed away because of my situation. The times I have spent with this man he treats me like a queen and we talk like we have known each other our entire lives. I now know there are wonderful people out there who are interested in me.
It is hard to think about walking away from an almost 25 year marriage, I worry about the impact on our 3 sons, who are young men now. Am I thinking of this based on meeting this other man, am I thinking of this because I am not sure I can ever get over all his lies, betrayal and the verbal blame he put on me?
Has anyone been in this situation? I am thinking of a total honest talk with him, my fears now of us trying. Can and will he love me how I want? Can I truly forgive him? Can I live with what he did to me, our family , our children? Can I still live in the same community with this OW, who is in our same social circle? I am the strongest I have been in years and am certain on what I need and want from a relationship.
I am back to my sleepless nights and know I no longer want to continue living like this. My husband put us into limbo with his “I am confused, I am screwed up”, blah, blah, blah. I also know he deals with mild depression which causes sleep disturbances. But for the first time in a very long time, I am thinking of “me”.
I know time has helped me a lot and if my husband would have agreed to Couples Therapy we could have been working on what happened in our marriage all along. I know what has happened and now it is time to talk to him and have it be between the two of us.
http://www.infidelity-help.com/chatroom/
Hi all I have been going to this site and my experence is good so far. They all have the same sort of thing going on in their lives and is good to chat to some like minded people that hurt just like us all. You get the odd nutter coming in and trying to spoil it all but all in all is good. You will soon find out who to chat to and who not. Come try sometime will be good to meet you there. Hope your all ok wherever you all are. Time will heal remember that and I know we all want the quick fix but just isn’t any. Everyones problems are a little different but most very alike. Much love hugs.
I wish i could. I stayed, wevare good then uh not so, but prob cause of me and our past horrible situation. My love is there but he walked on me for so long with his situation, and now thst we are working on things i still feel ” numb”. It has helped w communicating more as i kept in alot if things prior to not “hurt” his feelings, but i dont know…. I want to say yes, i know irs possible, but really, both need to work, it cant juat be us who want couplws counseling to help us move on and to them all is fine. And they say no. Each situation is different. Im still here trying to work it, but ill be honest because i have 2 boys 2 and 4 maybe i stayed for that earlier, and itd my husband thst is mine… but as we get stronger we realize, i do deserve better, yes i love him, but i deserve better and to have thst secure feeling. We probably wont ever have that again in this or a new relationdsip tho, cause of what we had been subjected to. Just hang in there if u want and let time work out its issues, or be strong anf know deep down the reality of what u have. Kelli
Awww JB
Once again I am inspired by every word that you write. The advice you are giving me is great. You are definately right about me not really deciding right now if staying or leaving is the right thing to do, but to just make sure that while I am here that things are going in a different direction and that things are getting better. We definately have better communication now. We would go days without even speaking to eachother as he is a teacher who teaches and coaches an hour from our house and I work in a family business where my kids go to work with me. I never get any work done, but it saves on babysitting bills. Anyways, he coaches three sports and would leave at 530 in the am and get home anywhere from 8 to 930 every night. By the time he got home I was so exhausted from taking care of the 4 kids who at the time this started with him were 1,2, 4, and 6. He also spent every spare moment he had on things he wanted to do and none of those things included us. I was basically a single mom with a roomate in the house. That is what it felt like anyway. We discovered we were both extremely lonely at this time and we both felt very unloved and very stuck. The difference was he chose her and I chose to stay and work it out here, not knowing he was choosing another woman, but knowing in my gut things were just not right.
Sorry, babbling, now we actually talk about our days, ask each other how each others days were and we actually listen to each other as well. We haven’t talked like this in years. He has stayed up with me on all the sleepless nights of crying and tried to hold me and he has had every conversation with me and tried to answer almost every question that I keep asking about it. I know that these are all positive things, I guess my head is just stuck on all the times that myself and my kids were left to fend for ourselved while he was taking care of someone else.
He had to see her for the first time on Thursday as he coaches her daughter. He told me exactly how it went, but I don’t think it mattered because whether he talked to her or not, I still felt awfull. I also have to deal with that for the rest of his softball season another 23 games. It is pure torture. He swears that he wasn’t thinking of her or looking for her or anything like that, but you know what this does to our heads, it makes us crazy and we can believe almost anything bad in any cenario after this. He told me he was only thinking of me and then on Friday for the first time he got a little fustrated with me because I was so upset about just the whole thing on Thursday. I told him that it wasn’t fair he was fustrated that he was the one who made me crazy and put all these thoughts here and whether they were real or not, they will always be there because of what he did. He finally sat down and said he was sorry again, because I don’t think he realizes how much this has affected my every day thinking and being.
The sad part about this is that I feel like right now my relationship with my kids has been affected. I am so preoccupied with crazy thoughts all day of her and him and them and whatever, that I can’t really concentrate on the things that I need to, my little cuties. My heart breaks because of this as well. I know they know something is off, because I cry randomly and try not to in front of them, but they don’t know what their daddy did to me. If anythhing I feel like I need to heal and get stronger for them, so that in the end I can teach my three girls that we shouldn’t be treated like this and that I should teach my son that he should never treat a woman like this. You are totally right, I need to do things for me, which I haven’t done in 12 years since I married him. I am not even sure where to start, but I will figure it out somehow.
Thanks JB, your words lift me up and make me smile. A Big hug to you.
Rhonda
Rhonda, OMG your story sounds so like myne I have 5 kids and have lived the life you described. My husband is addicted to porn. chat rooms etc which eventually led to a hookup. We are both working hard to see if we can fix things and I feel closer to him than I have in years because we are finally really communicating. JB really does have great advie and I have read her posts and taken them to heart also. Good luck to you and your husband I’ll be looking forward to reading about your progress.
Hello everyone!
Well I have been through a year long journey going back and forth with decision making on satying or leaving but like Jewels saids this decision is not to be taken likely. It takes time and other reasons. I am no longer bothered by any triggers
and am very happy with myself that her image in itself no longer affects me. After he came back, it felt like war all over again but we have learned to communicate and appreciate what we do have instead of what we dont have. I have made it very clear that in order for this to work, all need to be said. At first he didnt want to talk about anything because like every man he just wanted to just forget like it ever happened. When he saw broke down the last time a month ago that it took me down to my knees and asking myself why am I here? Why I with this man? He quickly kneeled down too, hugged me after crying and gave me comfort for the first time in a long time and cried and said I am so sorry. You are my wife and I am sorry i lost sight of that, please dont cry. At that moment I felt like he had a heart and felt remorse and felt my pain. After that day things have certainly changed. On every weekend we fought about everything but this past weekend it was beautiful!. We talked about everything in detail and we did not get mad at all!. Instead we laughed at it and said wow how stupid our decisions were. For the first time after a long time I had my best friend back. I never thought days like these would happen again but they did and there better than when we first met because its more mature and more sincere. Jewel you were right, I am glad I didnt make any decisions at the time I was having my triggers and felt anger and pain. I would have let my wall of pride do all the decision making. He is becoming the husband I want him to be and assures me he will do anything in his power to show i have nothing to worry about. We both grabbed a piece of paper, wrote down all our passcodes( cellphone,email,facebook,log in), and exchange them to each other and signed it stating if any new accounts would be made we both would need to know about it. Mind you this was his idea. I was so pleased and comforted to know he is willing to assure me that I didnt have nothing to worry about everyday. Even after this, we will be taking it day by day so we dont analyse every step and just enjoy it.
To all the ladies, There is hope and it takes two to make it happen. It will be hard, it will be a constant struggle but in the end the results will speak for themselvesand they will be better. Much luck to all of you.
So glad for you both. Good luck.
Gimlet
How long has it been since you found this out? You sound like you are in a pretty good mind set and I was just wondering how you got there? It is next to impossible to find time for yourself with as many kids as we have. I don’t have babysitters and although my parents watch them sometimes, I don’t feel it’s their responsibility to keep them so that I can better myself. I guess that is part of the reason why I am here in the first place. I so want to be strong and independant so much that I do everything to take care of my kids and my husband that I never really have anything left for myself. Probably why it is taking me so long to get through all these feelings I have. I tried to look back and didn’t see your story on here. I hope you are finding peace as well and I wish you luck every day with your kids. Having any kids is hard, but when you have more than 3 and you try to give them all individual attention it is next to impossible. Thanks for your responses to my posts as well. You are also a positive influence and I strive to get where you guys are.
Thank you Gimlet, you too. Much luck and God bless.
Hi Rhonda, My first post and most are in the sexting and texting section. I first found out that my husband had been searching local singles sites sometime in October. He convinced me that he had just looked and I couldn’t find anything to prove otherwise I’m not really up on the Tech stuff. Then in January I found some pics in his email from a 25yr old in Tn. After contacting her she confirmed that they wer Thank yous for placing a large order for merchandise from her company. He recently told me that they had flirtacious conversations since his first order and when he said he could not accept monetary gifts ( like gift cards to Outback Steakhouse etc… which her company gives out as standard policy) that she offered some photos for his enjoyment. The big discovery came about very recently because I knew in my heart there was more and started snooping. I can’t actually remeber how I found his secret messenger and email account bit i did. i was that he had been messaging and video chatting with this woman almost daily since at least last July. I was devastated couldn’t eat sleep or take care of my home and children properly. I’m still finding myself distracted all too often. At first I had only read some of the conversations between he and the other woman and he swore they never had sex. After a few days I found out that they had planned and hooked up on one of the conferences they both atend. He couldn’t stand at attention if you understand but they certainly did have sexual contact. Well my husband seemed almost as devatated by my finding out about this as I was at discovering it. I think his confession that he is addicted to porn and my research on it and how it affects the brain has helped me be more understanding but not accepting of his actions. We have been working hard and he answers any question I have willingly. Also he is willing and eager to get help I somehow feel closer to him now than I have in years. I also have taken a good look at myself and my actions in this marriage i had really withdrawn from him and rejected him repeatedly. Whos fault that was doesn’t really matter anymore we all need to be loved and touched in a loving way(not just sexually). We try to do that everyday and it really is amazing the way I respond to him now as opposed to before.Also my husband read some of the postings on this site at my request and cried when he read myne. He posted under the name Derreck Cheater and I believe he meant every word but only time will tell. Anyhow I feel a kinship to you and the other women and men here and wish you all the joys life can give. Stay strong and know you have people uot there cheering you on.
Jules,
Can I ask you something?…..what do you see when you look at your Ex?
Good question Em and today I see a man who is very broken, insecure, immature (our sons always tell their Dad he needs to grow up), handsome, sexy, way to critical of my body and eating, he is OCD into exercise and thrill seeking, a man worried what others think of him, a father that has never worked at a connection with his boys,
Not real good actually. I am working on detaching emotionally right now as I have always, always picked up the pieces for this man. I just can’t do it, today it is making me physcially ill and I was doing so great. Then a week ago Saturday was his talk of missing me, his wanting me, his coming over Friday night and not wanting to leave but he did at 2 am then yesterday, he was an a-hole, critical and cold/distant.
I also see a man in depression.
O.K. so here I sit once again, waiting for my H to get home, the kids all in bed. He had another scrimmage tonight which means he was going to see her again. When I talk to him on the phone all I want to do is ask him if he saw her or talked to her and not how his game went or how the girls did. I worry that every second he was there coaching if he was thinking of her, or how pretty she looked, or how much he wanted to talk to her. I don’t know if that is what he was thinking, but those are my fears. I will have these thoughts everytime I know he has to run into her. It is just plain torture. Especially when the kids and I are an hour from there and you know the old saying, out of site out of mind. I just don’t want to be this person who is always sick with worry and so insecure that I don’t know or trust my H who I never had doubts about even when things were bad between us. Now things are pretty good and I constantly worry. Will this ever end? Will the endless questions in my head ever stop? Will I ever feel safe or to the point where I don’t really care if he chooses her over me or will this be it for the rest of my life? Will I always be this person who can only obsess on if I am good enough or enough period to keep him on the right path? Am I the right path? I am so tired, my brain is so tired, my heart is so tired. I do love this man dearly, but I am worried that I have been through the worst of it here, things are getting better with us, but I still have these constant thoughts that no wife should ever really have to worry about. It’s unfair and it’s awful. I know this sounds like a pity party, but how much is enough, when do you know if this is how you want the rest of your life to be? Will it just hit you like finding out about the affair did? I hope everyone here has a good night and I am sorry for the rambling. It helps to talk somewhere when you are in this state of mind and to someone that understands what you are going through which you all seem to. Thanks everyone, you guys have all helped me in ways that you will never know.
Rhonda
I know the feelings you are having and cant imagine how you deal with knowing they have encounters. These encounters are not intentional, that itself should put a little smile on your face. I had to deal with these thoughts too but I got so drained that I stopped worrying about my H and focused on myself. I know I had to feel good about myself and found ways to be so secure about myself. Once that happened my way of act towards him changed but all this happened knowing he will no longer see or hear from her again. I am sorry you are going through this, really! Be strong please, this woman has nothing on you. You are a beautiful mother, wife, and kind hearted person in your family. Before you want him to see it, you need to see it! Hope you sleep tonight in peace.
Rhonda, know how you feel, and have only just found out about the OOOW. He does not know that I know about all this new lot, put me back quite a bit and all those feelings come tumbling back, this time seemed to hit harder. With regards to when you know it is enough, well it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I am so tired of feeling like this, am now trying to focus on finding me and healing me all over again, though thankfully did not go back as far as the first time. I have come to the realisation that it is not doing me any good to be like this, I want to find me again and feel good about me so am now trying hard to work on that. It was quite something and yes it just hit me, suddenly I saw some things differently and am working on me for a change instead of putting him first. I still have bad days, like today, I drove the whole way home, over an hour’s drive crying, and the feelings still overwhelm me every now and again, but finding yourself is the most important thing I think and how you really feel and what you really want. We are all women in this place that no one should be in, we need to know and realise for ourselves that we are special, and see that within ourselves and find that strength that makes us the most special people, let’s face it we are the ones that give birth, what male can do that. You will know, it will come, stay strong. Am thinking of you and all the other ladies and hope we all find the peace we deserve.
Jules….. Is that the type of man you want? Do you still want to pick up the pieces for him? He knows you will, he knows or sees that you have become a stronger woman, probably the woman that he first met, the woman that first attracted you to him…I’m just guessing here. Over time I am assuming that he “took control” of you over the years. Could “talk” his way out of things, knew that you loved him whole heartedly, you would never do anything to hurt him, you covered for him, picked up slack for him in every aspect of the realtionship, played ref with his realtionship with the kids, was respectful and kept lines of communication open with extended family…probably even his when he didn’t do so. He is obessesed with himself…thrill seeking, OCD, exercie, etc. Has constant mood swings…nice one minute and an ass the next, probably because he didn’t get what he wanted, so he is punishing you for it. You didn’t give in at that moment…I’m assuming in the past, you may have given in quickly. He is not used to that and is has reverted back to the behavior that he “thinks” will get you to give in.
Is that what you want to see in a man everyday? Is that the type of man that you want to be with?
If your boys are telling your ex that he needs to grow-up, they “sound” like they have a good grasp on the concept. Do your boys want you to work it out? If so, for what reasons? I think everyone on this site loves their kids and wants to do what is right not only for ourselves but for our kids. With that said, is going back to a situation that is unhealthy worth it? Would it be setting our kids up for realtionships just like this…we excepted and dealt with it. I do not want that for my kids…I want them to love, honor, trust and respect. I want them to be in loving relationships and not always having to look over their shoulder wondering….is he/she doing what my dad/mom did? I want them to know it is ok for them to stand up for themselves and say “no, I will not be treated this way”. I understand that some of the husbands have been remorsful and sorry and really want to work it out and I think that is great, but also the damage has been done, can you really look at that person every day and not see the pain that they have caused anymore? I’m not sure…I have been divorced for almost a year, my ex has come back a few times to “talk” and try to work it out…..each time I ahve told him the samething on what needed to be done, he didn’t want to do any of it….just kept saying to get over it and move on, time will heal and when he doesn’t get his way, well he becomes an ass again. He has preached and preached that he will not do any of it every again IF we get back together, if not then he is going to continue doing it. He tried to tell me in the begining that he had stopped, it was yet another lie. It may have lasted a few days but then he was right back chsing women and playing games….he likes the THRILL. Being married with kids is not a thrill that will last. The kids and I were never an obssesion or thrill to him, just a burden.
The funny thing, I still love him in some ways but would never be able to trust him…he destroyed the woman that he “supposedly” loved with no regard to me, didn’t even think how Iw as going to feel. He just said he knew it would hurt me after the fact but to get over it. I can’t even look at him anymore when he comes to pick up the kids…he will say Hi…I wave, I can’t even talk to him…
If you truely love him and you want to go through all of the drama again to try to make it work, then I say you should…if your gut has doubt, listen to it…it is the only organ that does not lie…ever.
Best of luck and hugs
Em- You are exactly right– Your advice is right on. Jules if your husband is not willing to do the work to make the marriage stronger and healthy again- you have your answer. You are stronger, more self-confident, and focusing on YOU! He on the other hand seems to be right where you left off- that way he never has to truly own up to his poor choices and bad behavior. His ego is damaged- he sees you now and wants you back-because that is a safe familiar place for him- little does he know but that place changed FOREVER the moment HE decided to change it. You had no choice but to deal with the changes- and YOU did, but he still isn’t willing to do what it takes to face those changes. That is the hardest part of staying and working it out. Sure, they all want it to be OK again (So would we- but that will never happen) Sure, they know they made a big mistake and want it to just be like all the other mistakes they have made in life. But this time the consequences were more than they ever even thought about- they broke something that you can’t repair with an I’m sorry, or a dozen roses, or even tears. This time the price is BIG- they have to look deep within themselves and figure out their flaws. Most of the time this has to be done in therapy- and they have to do it alone- for only they can do the work. You can’t fix it for him this time. The soul searching is hard, and makes them look at their very core-. They have lots of hard questions to answer: What made them risk it all? Why did they do what they did? How are they going to move forward when their world has imploded in front of them? How could they cause so much pain? All these questions require answers (or at least attempts to answer) to save the marriage. The places you have to search within yourself to find these answers — most men really don’t want to go- because it hurts to search so deeply- and it is shameful- and as humans we avoid those places a much as possible. On the other hand, YOU have done this work for YOU- you found that one spark of light and held on tight through the tears, pain, sleepless nights, pounding questions – Why did he do this to me?, What is wrong with me?, How could someone that I have loved so completely hurt me so badly? What was my part in this whole ordeal?– but that little light began to grow, and you found yourself asking new questions like– Is this what I really want out of life? Do I want to spend the next 25 years in the same spot? Listening to the same old song and dance? Will he change? Do we want the same things anymore? I love him, but am I in love with him? Does he still make me happy?and finally- you got to the point where you could ask- Is he really worthy of ME? I have a life to live, love to give, and regardless of our history my journey looks different now. This my friend is called healing. Your light is brighter because you have put in the work- on yourself. You focused enough on yourself to get some of your answers. The only way that the marriage will heal is if BOTH parties are willing to do their own work, then they can come together and do the work with each other. Affairs don’t just happen. There are always reasons. I once thought (before my life was touched by an affair of course) that infidelity was a sign of great weakness in human character. Now, after having lived through this I think that infidelity is a test of strength in human character. Those that survive in tact find a new path, a new marriage, and a new life. Those that don’t make it find a new path, a new life, and a new journey. Even if your marriage doesn’t make it — you have made it. Remember that marriage is a union, like a puzzle the two pieces will only fit if all the edges and cut outs line up perfectly– no matter how hard you try to make them fit- they just won’t – you can’t force it- the two pieces have to join and make up the same part of the big picture- and there is no way around that. Maybe he needs more time to figure out where he is going. Right now you have to continue on your path- maybe he will join you (that would be great), but maybe he won’t (you can’t decide that for him.) While you will grieve the loss , you are strong enough now to see a life without him- and you know you will be just fine- that my friend is the only thing that matters. My advice to you is to continue focusing on YOU, fan the fire of your inner light, if you feel uneasy or start feeling those same feelings of mistrust and the pit of your stomach is telling you it is not right- IT ISN’T! Redirect yourself and when it feels right again continue to move forward. None of us asked to be here, none of us wanted to do all this soul searching , none of us wanted to heal from a broken heart– but this is our journey- the good and the bad– at the end of the day all we all want is happiness, love, and a peaceful soul- sometimes we have a partner on the same path to get that and sometimes we don’t- I wish for you the inner strength you need right now — or as Aussie Guy put it the “footholes” (love that term) to keep climbing– just remember there is no rope around your waist for you to pull him out too- he is the only one that can make the climb. Peace and Blessing along your journey.
JB
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. These words brought tears as I am reading them. I know every meaning of these words. You are correct about finding yourself and him finding himself. We truly lost our paths until this unfortunate had to happen to meet again and walk on the same path. He has learned so much weakness about himself that he never thought he had and I never knew I had so much strength in me. I dont need him to spark a light in me, I see it for myself and it feels great to know its there.
Thank you for the positive feedback you are providing and can see you are a secure woman with inner self. God bless.
Thank you all so much, your words mean a lot. Yesterday was a hard day and a lot of crying and soul searching. I did sleep last night, trying medication and thinking of warm sunlight enveloping me when I am awake, it worked and I woke up this morning at 7 going wow, even though I was up several times I went right back to sleep.
I am playing phone tag with my attorney and hope to connect with him this afternoon. I do not want a broken man that wants to say “I am confused, I am indecisive, I know one day this will be the biggest mistake of my life but I am busy with work and bike riding and then I am tired”. No I want much more and told him I am worth fighting for. His response, this is not a competition. Wow that spoke volumes. So while at the gym doing cardio I decided that we have this home that needs work, so we are going to do the work and prep it to sell in the event of our divorce. He won’t like this but this is reality and gives me the time I need to wort through 24 years worth of stuff.
Am I filing for divorce, not sure yet but every day I lean more this way. I want my life, I want happiness, I want to date and when I meet someone I want the peace that comes with it that I am free to do for me.
I have complicated things by meeting someone a couple of weeks ago but we don’t see each other often due to distance and his working. But it opened my eyes to know that someone else is very interested in me. He is enough of a gentleman to tell me I need to deal with my marriage and I can’t run from it. I was trying to ask him to help me run away in one of his planes
Thank you all, this journey has its ups and downs but I have grown so much in the last 10 months. I still say I would not wish this hell on my worst enemy. But I do believe things happen for a reason and this reason was for me to break out of the co-dependancy and verbal abuse in my marriage. It is hard being married to a self absorbed man who knows it, is miserable but refusing to help himself. Also one that is passive/aggressive. I know what I would not want in my next relationship! I am happy to say I want a relationship and marriage again in my future, this has not damages or soured me. It has opened up my eyes and I know what I would NOT want.
Melissa B- THANK YOU! I have found the same thing as you following the affair- it is amazing. Life is funny that way isn’t it. Two people that came together in the name of love, tearing each other apart because of love (or sex- which is sometimes but mistakenly thought of as love)- The tearing apart is the horrible part, but if the two people want and are willing to find out and re-discover why they came together in the first place it can be beautiful. I relish in that beauty. I too have struggled deeply throughout my recovery/discovery. I like discovery better- it is more positive than recovery- I feel like the word alone holds a since of negative conontations- we recover from an illness or an addiction. We discover who we are and who we want to be through infidelity. Maybe it is recovery because of the shock and hurt, but those are just the emotions that follow discovery of a betrayl. We fight and struggle with fear and mistrust, again emotions created by discovery of facts or events that our husbands went outside our marriage for comfort or relief of some type. It is a process for sure– but discovering strength, courage, and self worth are lesson so worth learning- I am just sad that for us it had to come in the form of a broken heart and betrayl of our most sacred vow- I can think of thousands of other ways I would have rather learned these things, but that wasn’t my path. But on the bright discovery side— we are better women and men because of it. It doesn’t matter if you stay or leave, if you like recovery better than discovery, or if you are 1 day from D-day or 10 years from D-day– we all changed, we all grew, we all experienced pain, we are all part of something bigger that we never expected– without the help of those we have reached out to (like everyone here) our discovery would not be the same- I am so grateful for ALL of you here- you give me strength and focus on the things that are important. Peace and blessings my dear friends.
Jules
….I wish all the happiness in the world and maybe one day when everything is over and done with….he will take you away in one of his planes 
.
Melissa, JB and Jules,
You guys are all an inspiration. In reading just your last couple of posts I am hoping to one day find the kind of strength it takes to be where you guys are today. Thanks for the words that don’t include the H’s in it. The words that prove that as women we can be OK after this whether our H’s are there or not. I am so not there yet, but just hearing you guys talk the way you do shows me that there is hope for me to feel self worthy again in some fashion. That there could be someone else out there for me besides the one that completely destroyed my heart and that my heart can be healed. Those of us who are still in the shock phase need to hear things like this. Thank you ladies!!!!
I am so thankful I found this site.. even if it is just a chance for me to write what I am thinking.
I stayed. I found out about the affair in 2010, he cheated in 2006, we have been married since 2001. By 2007 he was so much nicer to me. Our marriage had improved. One day in 2009 he came to me after work. Straight from the front door to grab me, kiss me and say “I have been an a$$ to you and I am sorry”… I laughed b/c he had become a different person. I thought he had just grown up. I though nothing of that comment until June of 2010. I was in his email for some reason. And i was looking at SENT items (the ones they forget to delete). There is was… I was dizzy reading it… I never got to the end of the emails.
We talked that night… for 1 week he stayed up with me every night till i fell asleep… holding me… We didn’t have any children… We really have no debt. I am thankful for that b/c it allowed me to stay b/c i wanted to stay and believe in him. At the time I even had the opportunity to move back home and pursue my doctorate in another state FOR FREE… but I stayed. I believe marriage is forever. He may have broken that vow… but I won’t.
Since then we have a baby boy… and emotional triggers go off everyday… My heart aches everyday… I cried everyday till our baby was born. My baby is my hero b/c he is the reason i don’t cry anymore. The pain is still there but my reason for living has changed.
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do… It probably would have been easier to leave. But my son… I am so thankful for him…
I just found out another detail about the affair that has caused my whole outlook on everything to change. He confessed to me after telling me that I knew everything there was to know that he had purchased a phone besides the one I knew about. I believe he decided to tell me the truth finally because I was dumb and left a receipt from that website where u look up peoples info emails,phones,etc. and of course I discover he has a phone number I dont know I called the number and someone I didnt know answered it. I just told him that I knew he had or did have another phone. Hence the confession, no honesty unless he is forced. I think what has triggered this change in me is that he purchased this phone to speak to the ow who lives in another country. He purchased it when he was unemployed and while I was working two jobs and was worried about how to afford new school clothes for our children that year. He claims that he paid ten dollars for it and that it came with minutes. Last I knew calling overseas wasnt cheap. I said to him you did this using my money while you were unemployed he said yes. He didn’t follow it up with an apology or ask for forgiveness just sat there as always. I felt like I had been slapped across the face or punched in the stomach. The depths that he sank to and continues to lie about to this day. Another one of his favorite tactics is to say something or do something and even though I know the truth he will sit there and deny it ever was said or happened. I will say you said this and he will say he didnt. It is the most frustrating thing to experience that. I recently discovered he is visiting those websites again, the adult ones and wow the level of denial and the story was just to the point of being laughable. You see to this point it has been one year and seven months since the day I entered this very dark room I have been struggling with even believing he could do these things I did not know how much he lied I did not know he was the person I see now. I think even until now I had hoped to find some understanding to be able to move forward, to forgive, for him to say something to make me believe in him again. I realize that is not going to happen and that maybe the person I know him to be now is the person he has always been and I realize that after all he has put me through he continues to disrespect me enough to play his little games and lie. Some of u have described how your h behaved afterward and I could only hope for that much empathy. I have cried alone every day. I realize now also that for 6-8 months after I discovered this he acted like someone I did not know just indifferent even angry and I believe he didn’t want to end it and probably was using that other phone to still speak to her I believe he is here because of his kids and it all feels fake. His demeanor has changed and he is always saying I love u but to me they are empty words that I just don’t beleive he really means. I think he had finally hurt me enough that I just don’t love him anymore I am numb. I did not cry this week just shock and numbness. He flew to another state to be with ow and proposed to her when he got there. He told her he named our son after her. One of there emial accounts was almost together again that he told me was hers and as it turns out it was his. I think I have lost hope and I guess its probably about time but for the first time I am accepting of it, not devestated not hurting just accepting. He is not who I thought he was and he is not the kind of person I want to be with. He deals with things like a child and lies and disrespects me and I all I wanted was for him to be honest with me and talk with me and find our way back but u just cant do that with someone who lies and continues to do things behind your back and who obviously does not love u. Wow I cant believe how long it has taken me to get to this point I guess somewhere inside I still had hope but it is gone. Any words/thoughts would be appreciated thanks for reading
I have one more question I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach about two local OW one was a single next door neighbor who would clean her pool in her bikini a lot and of course my h was in the backyard a lot at that time. Another is a woman who broke up her own marriage by being unfaithful. I drove up to the ballfield one day and they were standing too close for me. Then during one of the games I kept noticing eye contact. Then attending a football game and her very young daughter is sending my daughter texts but I did not see her daughter with a phone just her. We were sitting a few bleacher seats away and then my daughter and I left a few minutes before the end without my husband and my son and i just had that feeling well someone sends a text that says mom says we are staying up late tonight but I don’t know why. Then asks if my daughter has a skype. I have been told by my h that nothing happened with these people and I am being stupid I never did her was his words nice choice the man I knew would not say that. Whenever I have brought this up and have gotten upset he gets very angry last time he yelled at me in front of our kids. yeah there is no empathy here for my lack of trust he always responds in anger or silence or as I like to say he never has anything to say just sits there aaaarrrrgggghhhh Do I sound crazy or not?
Still Grieving in Va., I’m so sorry you are still hurting but so happy for the blessing of your beatiful baby boy. It sounds to me like your husband does love you but why men who love their wives do this to them I just don’t understand. Anyway It’s also a blessing to all of us that Jewels started this site so we can support eachother through this journey. Know that we are all here together wishing the best possible outcome for each other, whatever that may be. Suzy, It sounds like your better off without him dragging you down. I wish you happiness again.God bless.
Agreed thank you jewels for the chance to speak and be heard and to listen and understand. I pray for the recovery of all our hearts and the strength to see we are beautiful and worthwhile women (and men since I read one guy’s post on here)
Hi. I located this site while looking to get information on how long it typically takes to really get over/ get through/ get past your husband’s affair. I know it’s different for everyone, but some days it feels like it will take forever…
My husband & I have been together for 16 years, married for 11. Two years ago I found out he had reconnected with an ex girlfriend through FB & began keeping in touch with her via text, e-mail & even going out for dinner & drinks several times. Our marriage had been a little shaky before that- we had a son 7 years ago who was born with a chronic illness & I guess we both got overwhelmed with responsibility & kind of stopped communicating with each other. Well, once he reconnected with this girl (unbeknownst to me at the time), he began telling me he didn’t know what he wanted. He said he didn’t want to split up, just that he “needed some time”. We continued living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, etc & all the while (for about 2 months) I assumed we were just taking things slow & trying to work on things. But then I began to get suspicious & started checking his phone, finding texts between them & even had him followed. Sure enough, he met her & they had dinner & drinks. Even after I confronted him that evening, he continued talking to & seeing her for another few weeks. I had finally told him I couldn’t live in this “limbo” any longer & we needed to decide which direction we were going, if for no one else, for our son. About a week before telling him this, I started to notice he wasn’t spending time on his phone anymore, coming to bed early instead of staying up half the night texting, he started doing things around the house for me like emptying the dishwasher- just random changes… so after telling him this, he told me he missed me. He told me he wanted his wife & family back. He said he was so sorry for everything & he knew he screwed up. He said he was unhappy & went about dealing with it the wrong way. He said he had cut everything off with her a few weeks before our conversation & that he’d never have anything to do with her again. We both decided to work things out & make our marriage work. We still love each other very much. He has always been very good about answering any questions I had about the two of them, talking to me any time I needed to (which was super often at first), he has always been very patient with me about the subject, even if I brought it up or needed things talked through repeatedly. I’m not saying he shouldn’t be, because that’s the least he could do, but I do know alot of husbands who weren’t so patient, understanding & open after the fact. The problem for me now is, I don’t know if I’ve ever felt comfortable staying. I almost feel like I am compromising what I believe for myself by staying. I almost feel like I am saying I don’t deserve someone who is faithful or wouldn’t lie to me. I’ve always been the type of person who didn’t take any crap… & now I kind of feel like I am. I want to make this work, I just don’t know if I will ever feel like I wasn’t taken advantage of by staying. I know it was my choice to stay & I thought I would be ok with it as time passed, but it’s been two years & I am still struggling. This girl lives right around the corner from our house (with her own husband- yes, she’s married, too) so every time I need to go somewhere, it always comes to mind. I’m constantly having to re-route my travels so I don’t have to ride past her house. (yes, when I found out about this girl, I made sure to find out EVERYTHING about her, including where she lived). Problem is, the more you know, the more you have to forget & the harder that is… sometimes I’m too nosey for my own good! I also find I don’t really believe my husband about everything that happened between them. He claims they never had sex- in my heart I don’t buy it. I come from a household where my father cheated on my mother & subsequently left my mom for this other woman, starting another family. I think deep down I promised myself that would never happen to me… & part of me is afraid it slowly may be. How long does this recovery take typically? How do you know if it’s just going to take more time -or- if all the time in the world won’t change it…? I still find myself so angry some days & can’t even look at him without wanting to punch him in the face… but then the next day I am totally in love with him & can’t imagine my life without him. I don’t know how much longer I can take this roller coaster ride… will it even out?
Confused,
I am about 4 months from finding out about my husband and I have all the same questions that you do flying through your head. Our story is the same about the kids and we just disconnected and never communicated anymore. He to has been patient and helpful in answering questions and I too was a person to not take any crap. I wish I had some advice for you. There are a couple of ladies out there like Melissa B, JB and Jules. Maybe if you direct your comments to them they can help you. They seem to be three very strong women who have come out of their darkness on top. Their advice and stories have helped me tremendously as I am trying as hard as you to get over this as well. I wish you luck.
Confused — I’m exactly one year from my D-Day — my H’s EA was about 2 months and would have been more physical if I hadn’t discovered it. They did kiss and use the L word though — after 2 weeks of working together. I struggle just like you — I stayed. But feeling like I compromised MY values and how I want to live my life — for someone who has a weakness. I really try not to judge others – but he blatantly lied to my face and talked badly about our marriage to her. He was under stress at work and we did have some stress at home with someone moving in with us temporarily. In looking at his emails and texts to her — he was clearly looking to feel good about himself. She told him everything I told him in the beginning. But then reality sets in. Not sure if they can handle that. The passionate kisses fade over time — it’s not like the “dating” phase and can’t be compared similarly. You have it tough in that this person lives so close. My H did phone a neighbor (about 3 streets away) — and never acknowledged that he even knew her. I felt like such an idiot when Ifound out. I pass her house as well and it makes me sick. I seek the same answers you seek – when or will we ever feel “good” about it/our marriages? Or will it always feel different from now on. It’s almost like it’s not that important anymore — very sad. As long as I’m ok. I still wonder why my husband stayed. We have no biological children, so he could have left me in a heartbeat. Why do they really stay??? I wish you well too. We are all searching for this answer — would love to hear more from the other ladies — and men –if you are reading…..
Hello Ladies-
I am sorry for your difficult time right now ; not only battling out your emotions, triggers, and feelings by yourselves but having to deal with the difficulty with your still immature H’s. I know that in order for this to work , it will take the two of you to put forth your true feelings and set aside the anger and hurt that this stupid situation has caused. He would need to be a man and be responsible for his actions whether it be by not having enough control in being a commited H, responsibilites of a father and a H, dealing with pressure of being a family man, and not getting the attention as a little boy would. It should just show you just by reading what I am writing now how strong of women you all are and are able to handle this more maturely than they can, be very proud of yourself!. Even after he refuses to open up and admit to his wrong decision, not mistake because there are no mistakes, you would need to focus on you now. I know you want to make this work, to get him back to being the man you once knew BUT now its your time to focus on your feelings. Its not selfish, you cannot do both. You cannot try to work on your relationship when your not even happy with yourself. Ladies LOVE yourselves. I love you, God loves you, your kids love you..WHAT more do you need if he is not being the MAN he needs to be. You are not their mother. You are there wife with the same needs and wants. 50/50 in a relationship. Once you find peace with yourself then you will see and know what to do. WHether to stay or just decide to leave. You cannot make that decision now when your angry and hurt. You will stay because he part of the family,kids need their father, you dont want to be alone, Money, living situation… some are reasons BUT some are excuses. IF he is not willing to put his effort and be a man, then when you are happy and love yourself, you know for a fact you DO NOT need him. You are a strong beautiful woman! you handle job,kids, bills, and car all the same time. Really we are a powerful creature when living with morals and dignity, unlike the OW we know. But that my dear friends is not worth talking about. You are worth talking about, smile!!! Spring is here. For those who are with men who stepped it up and were man enough to admit how weak they were, very happy for you but it all came down to you loving yourself and being happy with you!…it takes time. I say with the ladies who have assholes as Husbands and take NO responsibility for their faults and the infidelity, please leave your husbands and do what is best not just for you but for your children, even they are 10,21, and/0r 30 years old. It still hurts them. But I will leave with this that I read to those specific ladies…
Days like this I want to drive away
Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade
You chewed me up and spit me out
Like I was poison in your mouth
You took my light, you drained me down
That was then and this is now
Now look at me!
This is the part of me that you’re never going take away from me, NO
Throw your sticks and stones
Throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not going to break MY SOUL
This is the part of me that you’re never gonna take away from me, NO
I just want throw my phone away
Find out who is really there for me
‘Cause you ripped me off, your love was cheap
Was always tearing at the seams
I fell deep and you let me drown
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me!
But you’re not gonna break MY SOUL
This is the part of me that you’re never gonna take away from me, NO
Now look at me, I’m sparkling
A firework, a dancing flame
You won’t ever put me out again
I’m glowing
So you can keep the diamond ring
It don’t mean nothing anyway
In fact you can keep everything
Yeah, yeah
Except for me
Throw your sticks and stones
Throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not gonna break MY SOUL
This is the part of me that you’re never gonna take away from me, NO
@COnfused
I know what you are going through. I understand those questions that go over and over in your head. I can see you want this to work if not you would have taken a different route already. I know you have doubts but that is because you dont trust him, which is ok, trust is earned and in time he will show you, you have nothing to worry about if he does his part to prove you are the woman for him from this point on. I know you still decide whether to stay or not and that question is ok to have. Do not rush your decision. Give yourself time to decide, especially when emotions are stable enough. You are hurt and still think about her, drinks,talks, kiss,etc. I know those images pop up. But you need to be happy within yourself. SHE is not important anymore. You are unhappy and making any decision based on that feeling will only leave with limbo questions that will make you even more unhappy. Focus on you! first. Find a way to be secure with your inner beauty,self-worth, self-esteem, and so on. You do not need his approval to feel any of these. You need to find them in yourself by yourself. Once you do you can decide if you want to stay and really make it work. I understand you expect alot from him but how can you see it if all you see is the negativity and the wrong he did. You need to get past that on your own and find peace with yourself that YES he did break our vow, YES there was this OW, YES this affected me deeply BUT I am no longer going to dwell on this YES,YES,YES..instead focus on what makes you happy? what do you want? what do expect from him as a H,boyfriend, lover or just as a friend..besides a H is all those things. But like I said FOcus on you, those limbo questions will take a different route and you will be asking what can we do to make this work? what can he do to make me smile? what can we do to focus on our great qualities instead of the qualities that we left behind us? What is each other focus as a couple? Not a married couple but as a couple in general? You will see things be different but you need to find peace and happiness will follow. If he is trying then help him find your path you are walking on. I know you probably still love him then help him find you, make him understand your feelings now and how confused you are, if he listens GREAT!…talk to each other but not so much about her, SHE IS NOT IMPORTANT! your relationship is.GOOD luck and hope this helped.
@ Rhonda, Ella & Melissa B:
Thank you for your words of support. I’ve talked to a few of my friends about what I have been feeling these past two years, but they haven’t been in this situation, so I don’t think they really understand the magnitude of shock & hurt. I don’t think they quite get just how low it can make you feel about yourself. I’ve struggled with my self esteem so much since then & I have always had healthy self esteem… it’s very hard to deal with- it makes you feel so weak. I can say that part has gotten better over time- not great, but better. I’ve just always felt like my friends don’t really understand, as hard as they have tried. I think they kind of feel like, “it’s been two years, get over it already!”… wish it were that easy! I do appreciate the kind words & supportive advice from those who do get it. And I do need to focus on me more (& my son)… I sort of got in the habit of not doing anything on my own, partially, I think, because I don’t want my husband to feel like he should start doing things on his own, either. I think part of our issues began when we starting having regular nights out separately with our friends- we grew terribly apart. I know I can’t control what he does, it’s just a discomfort thing. We haven’t gone out separately with our friends in about a year & a half. After finding out & reconciling, he did go out a few times with his friends & I was a nervous wreck! I was so nauseous & ended up spying on him to make sure he was where he said he was going to be (he was)… I just never thought I would turn into that kind of person. I used to make fun of girls like that & call them crazy- now I’m one of them! But, I do need to get over that discomfort & just realize only he can control what he does, I can only control how I react to it & hope he does the right thing so no reaction will be necessary. I need to get over the discomfort of going out separately- for me! I’ve allowed myself to turn into a hermit, something I never was…
Again, I appreciate the support & wish I would’ve found this site two years ago! Thanx!!
Awww Confused no thanks necessary, that is what we are all here for and what a help it is.
So I have one for you. Remember I said that he is a softball coach and he coaches her daughter. This school is also an hour from our home. SOoooo anyways, every time he has a game or scrimmage he has to see her and her husband. So last night the kids and I drove out to his scrimmage. 1. because the kids wanted to see their dad, the girls hadn’t seen him since Sunday. 2. because I want to try and support him 3. I was a little curious because I guess I was just being nosy.
I totally was not emotionally ready to go, but then again whoever is. So the kids and I sat on a blanket away from the crowd the whole game. Meanwhile there was a man in a lawnchair about umm 30 feet from us. The only fan where we were sitting. He did not acknowledge myself or the kids at all and usually people are pretty friendly when they see four little kids. Anyways, he was joined my his wife about an hour before the game was over who again, was not friendly did not say hi or anything, but since I was busy keeping the kids occupied I never really thought about it. So I come to find out last night when we got home after asking my husband if they were there and he said yes, they were sitting right next to you. I about died. The first thing that went through me was that I was sick to my stomach because my kids were that close to the woman who stole my husbands heart and their father away from them. The next was sickness because I was that close to the woman who did this to me. Third thought was you would have thought that either the husband who knows and had been through this himself would have atleast had the courtesy to acknowledge me because when I found out we had talked on the phone a few times and he was all about being nice to me as long as I had new information for him. I then thought that if I were her, I would have felt so bad after seeing his little children that I would have had to try to apologize or something. I mean I had also spoken to her on the phone and was very cordial to her, no accusations or yelling or killing her. It amazes me the nerve of people who can knowingly break people apart like that and I know they knew who I was considering I was the only person there with four kids and she knows he had four little ones. It then made me really sick that I had no idea who they were and I was right next to them. I wanted to throw up last night. Boy life is funny, just when you think you are getting a little bit ahead, you get a big old slap like that to put you two more steps back. I guess I deserved it considering I did go to the game. I hope you ladies have a great weekend and I hope everyone is drama free and heartbreak free this weekend. I am hoping the same thing for me. Big hopes.
Ella, As I read your post something just clicked for me. My husband and I have been working on our issues together for the last few weeks and we have been doing so well but I’ve had something gnawing at me and I just couldn’t put my finger on it and the I read your words. I think maybe I have been wrestling with my decision to stay and work things out. I’ve always been the type to walk away, not because I’m unforgiving but because it’s so hard for me to commit to a man and when I do, it leaves me so vulnerable. Once they hurt me I just leave so they can’t hurt me anymore . This time is different, we have 21+ plus years and 5 boys together. How do you just give up on that? I know I have to try and work things out so as not to have regrets in the future but I do feel like I’m compromising some deep part of my soul . I find myself questioning little things he does and wondering if he’s hiding anything else. When I think of the lies he told me right to my face and the pet names he had for her it makes me sick. His pet name for me rings so hollow now and things we shared are marred knowing he shared some of the same things with her. I can’t help but wonder if this will ever get better. Thanks for listening.
Gimlet — it’s so weird how we all know and feel the EXACT same things isn’t it?
Seriously, the only people who know what it’s like have to experience it. No one can put themselves in our shoes. I have had a great weekend with my husband, and it still stinks that this person nearly destroyed our life. I’m definitely compromising a part of my soul — maybe that’s what forgiveness is about….to look beyond ourselves. I don’t know — but I struggle everyday. I can go hours without a thought — and then bam…it hits like a ton of bricks. The only satisfaction is that she didn’t win. And I told her husband, so she gets to deal with the consequences of what she did. I just exposed the truth. They were the liars. Rhonda — I can’t imagine sitting next to the OW — wow…… I still haven’t seen the OW in my case — will you be going to anymore games???? I can’t even imagine about how you would be feeling right now…. I do think it gets better — the feelings are less intense — and I’m feeling more energized — though it’s been a year — I think that milestone helped me psychologically. Have a good weekend all. Hugs to everyone
Rhonda, I’m sorry you have to go through these feelings. It sounds like you have been more than fair to all the parties involved. If i were you I think I would go to each and every game I could (as long as I felt up to it). Let them all squirm and be uncomfortable you can hold your head up proudly you have done nothing wrong. Maybe she can be the one to stay home and let her husband be there for their daughter if she can’t face you. Anyway you do what ever it is that will make YOU feel better.Good wishes. Ella thanks for understanding.
It makes me feel better to know people are going through the same thing as me… Even though I would not wish this upon anyone.
I am 21 and I managed to get involved with a man with a child. At first I thought it wouldn’t be too much trouble but boy was I wrong.
My fiance and I have been family friends since kindergarten and fate somehow pushed us back together. He has a child with another women and this didn’t bother me too much because of the connection we have, it is like having the male version of me around and we just get each other. In September last year he proposed to me and I said yes.
The mother of his child never made things easy for us but I was sure with time it would get better. In January I received txts from her telling me that he had cheated on me with her, at the start I didn’t believe this and he was denying it but then as soon as he realised that their was no denying it he fessed up to everything. Sleeping with her twice after we had bought a house together and asking her for nude pictures twice, one of these times was after we were engaged.
I am struggling to decide what to do, part of me says I am so young and currently studying towards being a midwife do I need all this stress. However the larger part tells me I can’t leave because I still do love him. He is trying so hard to fix things and they have no contact whatsoever. His parents are doing the pick up and drop offs of his son but even this is becoming a hassle as they are not letting my fiance decide what he wants for his son and taking the matter in to their own hands ever since they found out about the infidelity.
Does anyone have any advice on how to move forward from these things because currently it is all I think about…
Thanks!
Charlotte my heart goes out to you, you are so young to be struggling with something like this and to be in this place that we are all in. It will be a decision that only you can make and remember to think of yourself in all this and how you want to honour yourself. Many ladies here still love, and their men are trying hard to fix things, others have men that could not give a damn and continue on their chosen path. Often we stay out of fear of the unknown or our situations prevent us making the choice to leave, either way staying or leaving will come solely from yourself and deep within. Just remember you are important and special and you will find the strength to make the decision that is best for you.
@ Rhonda: I’m with Gimlet- I would purposely go to every single game, just for the satisfaction that I am making them uncomfortable for a while! That may sound immature, but I don’t care- it would make ME feel good!
)
@ Charlotte: I feel for you… this isn’t something any of us should have to experience but to experience it at such a young age- you should definitely focus on your career & studies. Whatever you do, don’t let that slip. Try to focus your energies into that. You may or may not decide to stay in your current situation, but that education will stay with you forever… don’t let it go or falter! I was working full time, taking care of our home, trying to keep up with a very active 6 year old (at the time) who has a chronic medical condition that requires at home treatments & was going to school 3 times a week, including all day Saturdays when I found out about my H & this OW. It took everything I had & alot of tears with friends at school, but I made it through. I’ve been proud of myself since then that I didn’t let him/ her get me down completely. I had enough strength to focus my concentration on achieving that accomplishment – it was super hard & there were days I didn’t even want to get out of bed, but my son & school kept me going on those days… and Michelle’s right, only you can make the decision whether you want to stay or go. I made the decision to stay & it hasn’t been easy. I can’t say I regret it, I’m just having a hard time dealing with the fact that what I believed about my H is no longer valid- that part of my belief in him died 2 years ago when I found out. It’s hard to accept that it will never be the same. In some ways, it’s better, but in others, not so much. My struggle is just that staying to me, in a way, feels like I was weak- accepting something that no one should have to, saying “it’s ok if you lie to me, betray me, I’ll still take you back”, but that’s just something I’m dealing with internally that I am hoping will subside over time. I had an ex-boyfriend who betrayed me with my best friend & the my own father betrayed us with another woman, who he subsequently married & started another family with, so I am sure my feelings stem from those prior experiences somehow. But only you can decide what is best for you. Only you know what your heart can accept. Just know, you are worth the best! We only get in life what we settle for… I hope whatever you decide, you have peace with it. If you decide to stay, just make up your mind that if anything were to ever happen again, you would have to move on. I believe people deserve a second chance, as long as they show real remorse & compassion to rectify things- but there’s only ONE second chance in my book! We all know how you feel, so just know we are all here. You’re not alone, even if you just need to vent!
Dear ladies,
Thank you so much for the advice about going to the games. I really wish that I could go to all the games, but like I said before his school is an hour from our house and I have two kids righ now in baseball and softball and I am busy shuffling them around every day of the week. Trust me I would love to make her as uncomfortable as possible, I totally think she deserves every second of it along with her husband. If their marraie wasn’t so bad then she wouldn’t have tried this with my H in the first place.
Charlotte
It saddens me to hear that even after two years you still have those thoughts in your head about all of it. It is just that I feel weak, like I compromised myself for staying especially because I was so miserable before I found out about the affair and I felt stuck here and can’t figure out why after his betrayal I would want to stay. I am only 4 months into finding out and it is still very fresh for me. I wonder if those same feelings and thoughts you are having will ever go away and it scared me that after two years you still have them. In a way things are better here and things have changed for the better, but in a way things are much worse and that all has to do with me and how this has effected me.
Charlotte
Like all the other ladies, we can’t give you that decision, some of us are still trying to figure that out ourselves. I do remember my first love after dating him for three years in high school had cheated on me with my best friend as well. It was devastating, I was 18 at the time and even though I forgave him and we stayed together for awhile, it didn’t take long before I finally realized that I deserved someone to treat me good. Well, I thought I had learned that lesson. I guess I only attract cheaters and beaters. Plus it makes it harder that he has a child with her. You have so much of your life ahead of you, so much time to learn. The ladies were right about scool. You need to worry about you right now and get your life on track. Make sure you can come out of this strong and confident. Then maybe you will realize you don’t really need him anyway. It is advice I wish we could all follow, including myself. Hugs and good luck in the hardest journey of your life.
It was a long weekend and another sleepless night last night. I am just wondering when thoughts of her and him will leave me alone. When can I go a day without this things that happened to be my life. I am just tired and sad that my H thought I deserved this.
Stay or go, second chance, struggling with thoughts, will they go away, is he still lieing, pet names, feelings, betrayl, hurt, pain, crying, history, kids, finances, trying, etc.
These are all the thoughts that most of us have, this is the pain that has been bestoyed upon us by the one that was loved us and that we loved…this was the person that we took vows with, gave our heart to. There is nothing positive about any of those words.
The questions and thoughts that we have are no longer happy…they are tanted. Ella said “she didn’t win” (speaking of the OW), actually…she did win, all the OW won…they aided the H’s in their deception and betrayl. Gimlet mentioned the pet names that her H ahd for the OW….mine did too, but he never had any for me. Knowing that he had pet names for the OW, made me feel horrible…he never called me anything but my name…the OW took from me what I wanted from my H…his attention, love, feelings, emotions…everything. I did stay for awhile but everyday it got harder and harder to look at him. He started to call me pet names…they were the ones that he called her….that was even more painful and I told him to stop. He treated her better than the woman that he was married to and has a family with, the one that supported him, was always there for him…all of that along with all the crap that he was doing and the lies….why stay? I could not think of one positive reason to stay. So, on that note ladies…if you are struggling with staying or leaving, look at your H…what do you see…what are your feelings?
I am almost to my one year anniversary of my divorce and my ex wants to talk again…he says he needs me. LMAO…he needs someone to take care of him…he is still doing the same things that he was doing while married. I remind him that I am no longer an option. He is still hanging at bars and chasing women, in debt again….why would I want that back?
Em, I agree with your advice to look at your husband and ask yourself what you see and how does it make you feel. I think for me it’s to soon to tell for sure, I’m still on that rollercoaster but mostly I do see a man who loves me and his family above all. He really is walking the walk and doing the hard work it will take for our marriage to overcome this but I can’t help but wonder if it will continue or if I can live with the past. I’m glad for you that you were able to come to the best decision for you and hope you have or will find the life we all deserve.It’s great to see people overcome and become stronger than before. Thanks for the inspiration.
Rhonda, If it makes you feel any better it is very likely that your husband didn’t think you deserved this ,he just didn’t think. He was selfish and put his onw needs and desires (not always sexual just ego) ahead of yours. If you go to the sexting and texting section of this site and read the post by ” Derreck Cheater” (my husband) I think you may gain some insight to that . I don’t know your husband but read it and see if it seems to fit. It doesn’t excuse anything done but it may make you feel just a little better. All the best to you.
Hi Gimlet,
My ex keeps telling me that he would never do this again to me or anyone else and to trust him on that. Trust…hahah…yea right. One he is still doing it, so what he actually means is that the behavior won’t stop, but he will control himself enough not to perform any “acts” with anyone. He sent me a text telling me he still can’t beleive that i divorced him just beacause he cheated…men do it all the time. He doesn’t see the pain that is causes, he probably never will, because he doesn’t see anything wrong with cheating…so what it happens and you move on, if it happens again, you move on again. His friends cheat, his family cheats…it’s just who he is apparently….apparently I didn’t know him either. He is not the man that I married by any means. I did read your husbands post in the sexting and texting…..did he ever figure out why he even started the sexting and porn? My ex did the samething and still does…his service has been cut by a couple of different providers because of it, he is constantly changing his phone number because of OW and their spouses who have caught him messing around with their girlsfriends or wives. But he doesn’t know why he started it in the first place or why he was looking for a thrill…he said I was perfect in every way, wonderful wife, mother…I did nothing wrong…he just went to far and became addicted to it. But he could not say why he was looking and why it even started. I have a hard time believing that someone can wake up one day and cheat for no reason, destroy, lie, betray, hurt, and give up the one that they “love” for the risk of the thrill. To me if you can do that, then I didn’t mean anything to you. Sorry…today is not been the best…just venting.
Gimlet
I read your husband’s post and I can totally see and understand the male mind in all of this. My husband was feeling abondoned by me for a long time and when this started with the OW I had a 6 year old a 4 year old a 2 year old and a 1 year old at home, they occupied all my time and energy and I had nothing left for him. I to felt like he had abondoned us, he never involved himself or helped with the child rearing at all. Whenever he had a free moment he went hunting. My H does not have many male friends and definately none that he goes out with or talks to. He never had a dad growing up and his mom, well she pretty much abondoned all four of them and was always looking for the next man that would fill her time. She is a very cold person and to this day only calls us on holidays. I kind of wish it was a sexting or porn fantasy for him, but his was different. He met the OW who was also having trouble in her marraige. They started it by e-mail and then it went to phone calls, thousands of phone calls. Whenever he wasn’t with us he was on the phone with her all day during every break at work. Then they met a few times and they were embrasing I guess you could say. I think it didn’t go further than that only because they were in a public place. He had stopped it once after the husband had found out and their daughter had quit the softball team. It stopped for a couple of months. Then out of the blue they started talking again while he was home from teaching during spare moments when we were not around and they still e-mailed. She had left her husband for a week this past summer because she couldn’t handle his jealousy HMMMMM wonder why the idiot and she tried to get my H to bite. Anyway, it stopped again for a few more months and then it started up again about 2 months before I found out. I know my H had strong feelings for her. I remember the hate and disregard he had for me and anger had had towards me. I could never lay my finger on it at the time, but I just knew things were off. I kept having nightmares atleast twice a week about him cheating on me or him leaving me for another woman. Weird right, they were so dead on. The thing that tears me up is that he loved her, he chose her over his family and me, over his kids, it’s the fact that he gave his heart to another. This kills me. Like any other woman here, I cannot trust him anymore, I cannot believe what he says, I cannot feel what love I thought we had. It is all broken. I am still to fresh and still questioning whether I should stay or not and still in the decision phase. I wish all of us luck.
Em
As far as looking as my H and figuring out what I see. Sometimes I look at him and love him more than I think I ever could. (Not sure if that is because that is the please don’t leave me again part speaking or if that is how I really feel). Than some days I look at him and think that he is the meanest, cruelest, jerk I have ever known and I don’t even know or want to know the man in front of me. As for how I really feel I think it is to early and I am feeling like I am not sure if I will ever know. I lost everything when this happened, especially my ability to make decisions on what I feel or believe.
Thanks ladies I adore all of you.
Rhonda, We really do have so many thing in common our stories have so many parallels. I want to say don’t be so sure he loved her. How could he really there was no reality to their “relationship”. They did not share a life they never saw the real person in front of them how could they? What they did share was an illusion a fantasy. It’s easy to make someone feel special when you don’t have to back it up with anything. She never sacrificed her time her dreams or any of the things you so willingly gave your man. In my husbands case I have asked him before this why he seemed to need affirmation from people that had no real stake in him. He has been thinking about this and realizes it is true. When someone makes you feel good about yourself it can be very addictive but you must understand the difference between genuine love and respect and cheap flattery. The porn thing is really quite fascinating I knew it was addictive but never imagined that it had gotten so bad. I urge you to go to a site called yourbrainonporn.com read through some of it and see if any lightbulbs go off in your head. Again none of it excuses my husbands actions but it helps me to understand some of his behavior. My husband has always been kind to me even through many difficult times.but when he was involved with this woman he changed the way he spoke to me. I also knew something was off but had no proof of my suspicions. Our instintcs are so good we should always pay attention to them. It sounds to me like your husband has chosen you and would like to make things right. He must be willing to do whatever it takes to help you. I was wondering does he coach for a living or is it volunteer? Maybe you can get your kids into a different league or sport if that will help you. Would he be willing to do this for the next season if you asked him to? Maybe this is not a good idea for your family but just a thought I had since you are so upset when he is at the same games as the OW. Hope this helps you find some answers and peace.
Em, you’re right you did nothing wrong the problem is his and sadly he seems unwilling to accept his responsibilty and do the work needed to fix himself. Go to the site I suggested to Rhonda it is eye opening. Even if you can’t use it for your situation it is very interesting and could be useful in the future. Knowledge is power.You are welcome to vent to me anytime. I feel very connected to all on this site we really are a great source of support to oneanother. Again jewels is my hero. Feel good.
Rhonda,
Can I ask you why he is still coaching…none of your kids are on it. He knows it upsets you, so why doesn’t he stop? It would make things better..right? You would think that he would have already done this, if he was truely working on making it better. Just wondering.
Gimlet,
I guess I should specify about his coaching. He is a high school teacher at a school an hour from us. His drive every day in itself is terrible. He has always coached atleast one sport since he started teaching there. He is the varsity softball coach. He did ask if I wanted him to quit when this started and I said no because I knew that it was the only thing that kept him teaching in that school. His passion in life is coaching and he is good at it. I didn’t realize how hard it would be on me. We have discussed as this season goes on right now how he needs to be home now instead of coaching. The extra money is great, but he is missing out on our kids sporting things. My kids are still only 9, 6, 4, 3 and the two older ones play baseball and softball. We both coached our kids in basketball and he helps with my sons team when he is home. You are right though, I bothers me to no end and I have come to that conclusion that he needs to be here with us, we can work out the missing money somehow, so definately next year I will make sure it is known that I do not want him to do this. You are right about the illusion, the fantasy, I know and understand all the reasonings behind what he did. The things I can’t seem to get over right now is all the details in what was going on here with us and the anger and mean things he did to me while he was feeling good with her. I know I have to decide to get over these things to move on, but it is so fresh and the good days are becoming more often than the bad ones, but when they are bad, they are awfull. Does the burnt images of the two of them every leave your memory? I just want to go through the day without thinking of this woman that I didn’t even know or care to know. That is what really stinks. Thanks Gimlet for your advice, I truly appreciate it.
Hello Ladies….
I feel and understand all your concerns. I know working it out its alot harder than saying it out loud. Only you know that damage it has caused, they have no idea. I ask myself Does he even care? But i stop myself and say it doesnt matter whether he cares or not, I have to get myself together for my sake and so my heart could heal. As you know I have been, we have been trying to work it out. I still though, and will admit it, that I have my doubts about this whole thing and him. I Do NOT want to go through this ordeal again. I ask myself does he really love me? Does he really want me or he just afraid that he cant find nobody like me? ( The wife/GF/woman that actually cares for him,support, love him) I dont know but I see him and I feel that I am not what he is looking for. I have convos asking him that if he did what he did because he felt a certain way and he was a certain way why? be someone different now? Now that he is filled with regret, why change himself if that what he did is exactly what he was looking for? I am not saying this because I think less of myself but if he is a certain type of person and I wasnt able to see it after he presented his true colors after or during the infidelity then I do not want to be that type of man knowing I can focus on myself until I meet a new man that we can see eye to eye in all levels. I guess I am saying that I am content to know if this works, it works, if not then it wouldn’t matter to me because I gave it a try. I love him, I do but the love I had when walking down the isle is there anymore. It would take alot to get that back. He is willing to try but I am going to have to be honest with him when that day comes where we are cuddling and that feeling is just not there and I would have to tell him hte truth. I am in another limbo, YAY! (sarcastic) but this limbo is no longer about what he did? who was she? how long they did it? that doesnt matter to me… I think its BS. I want to know if the person he was while doing his wrong decision was truly him or not. If it was then I strongly believe he shouldnt waste my time. I dont need a pussy for a man, I need a real man that doesnt attention all the time and can handle his own when he doesnt get it. I hope ou ladies understand where I am in my situation, one year after D-DAY. Sorry to hear about your stories and hope it gets better for each and everyone one of you… RHonda it will get better…Gimlet and Ella.. same to you …keep your heads high. Love you all.
Well Ladies my kids and I are leaving tomorrow for a trip to Florida, without my husband. We had been planning this trip for the last two years and the kids had been saving. He can’t go because as a teacher he can’t get off and because he is coaching the varsity softball and they have games all week. This is fine with me because I honestly think that time away from him will be good for me. I may decide I don’t want to come home. I am a little scared to death to leave though. You know the old saying, out of sight out of mind, I told him about my fear and he said this “I do not want to talk to anyone but you and the kids, I will be missing you guys like crazy. I never want to hurt you like that ever again. If you are miserable on your trip because you are worrying about me, then I will just feel terrible. Please go have fun, you deserve it” As always, it looks great here on paper, but can I really believe what he is saying. I will miss reading and talking to you guys this week. I just hope I can have a good vacation with my kids without her coming to Florida with us. When I say that I mean I don’t want to think about her and him and all that crap. I can dream right? Have a great week ladies.
Rhonda, Once again our lives are running on some parallel universe. I am leaving Saturday to visit my family in Colorado but he is the one staying with the kids. This will be my first time ever being the one to leave. I also have my worries but not too many as things have been good recently. Besides how much trouble can anyone get into with 5 kids to take care of. I think I’m more worried about what I’ll come home to and how will my husband get all those easter baskets put together. My husband has emplored me not to worry and asuredthat he will take care of everything so I should just enjoy seeing my brother and sisters.Have a great time and try not to worry I think your husband meant what he said. Good luck I’ll be thinking of you.
@ Rhonda & Gimlet: I hope you both have a fabulous time away! You both (& we all) deserve it!
@ Rhonda: Try not to waste your time & energy worrying about what he is doing while you’re away… in all reality, we have no control over what anyone else does, we can only control our reaction to it. If he really wanted to engage in any wrongdoing, he wouldn’t wait until you were hundreds of miles away- he would make it happen even right under your nose, you know? I think he meant what he said, though. Enjoy your time with your kids & enjoy your time alone with YOU! Don’t allow their selfish actions to deny you of that enjoyment, too. Give your kids some awesome “mommy” time…!
@ Gimlet: I would be the same way- worrying about whether things were going to get done for the kids, but… let him worry about it this time. I’m glad things have been going well recently… enjoy your “YOU” time, as well!
AWW Gimlet,
Thanks I will be thinking of you too. I hope you have a great time. I kind of wish I was going by myself, but I don’t mind the vacation with the kids. I need to reconnect with them as well because I feel I have let them down a little bit the last couple of months. As for the easter baskets, that is hilarious, my H would not even attmept to do those. I will just have to figure out how to get that done when we get home. Have a safe trip and thanks.
Rhonda and Gimlet — hope you both enjoy your weekends to the fullest! You do deserve it. And stay true to yourself and stay strong. I will be away this weekend — but with my husband who did plan a birthday trip for me. He is doing the work. But as Melissa B just posted — my feelings just aren’t the same as the trip down the aisle. That is what the new reality is for me and it’s also been one year since D-Day. I too wonder who I see when I look at him. That is the scariest question. Can they really be rehabilitated or are they “just men” . Everyone have a great weekend and safe travels. Hugs to all.
I have been reading these posts and I am struggling through the same thing. I have been married almost 23years. My husband had a 2 month affair. I found out because he was acting differently towards me. Too tired for sex. Head in hands. He got a new phone and took it everywhere with him including the bathroom. Never did that with a phone. He had kidney stones back in february and while he was getting surgery. I managed to get in to his phone and found out about the affair. He told her he loved her and to be careful etc. The messages were deleted but i could read the first few sentences and saw that they were meeting in a hotel and he told her she was incredible etc. All the things I would like to hear but never did. I confronted him and he told me he never intended to tell me no matter what. At the time of this affair I was taking care of my mom 5 days a week and she died recently so I’m dealing with 2 things.
My emotions have been just like everyone elses. Panic, fear, dispair. He has seen me go half crazy over this. I have been working like a dog to make things right. Have apologized for things I have done. He says he is confused and loves me but feels numb towards me sexually. At first he seemed remorseful but he doesnt seem that way now and I have not been begging for his attention so much. I had asked him not to look at or speak to this woman ever again. (she works at same company in a different building) He said he has to go to the other building sometimes and that he did see her and only said hi. When I pressed him, he said they had a conversation. I told him I told him his trustworthiness was shot now. Told him he may not speak to her or we are done. Very reluctantly he agreed. We are starting counselling today. Hope the counselor is decent.
I did read a good book by Dr. James Dobson called “Love must be tough”. It says that along with counselling. You do not hang on. If these men feel trapped you must let them go by setting limits on what you will tolerate. No more whining begging pleading (like I did). Appear confident and say little about your frame of mind. Since your partner knows you well throw him for a loop and dont respond in the same way you used to. It is very helpful. I pray more than I ever have in my life as well! I sure want my marriage to survive and I am scared to death!
Dear Dillyjean
Im in the same boat as you – married 23 years and found out that my husband has been having an affair since the last 5 months – I caught him again same as you from his phone and emails sent to her – confronted him and he admitted to this – .since then he has broken all contact with her atleast that is what he claims – He has not been living with us ( that is because I dont want him to)- we have been going for counselling and right now he has just started showing some remorse , although the entire blame is still me -which is what I understand from all these posts and books Ive read is pretty much what they do initially.
ive been reading a book “My husbands affair is the best thing that ever happened to me “. Yes you are right – appear confident and dont ever feel you were to blame – YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME – it always takes 2 to tango – I did realize our marriage had problems and it is both of us who need to work at it not just one but the affair is not something that should have happened – any excuse for that is LAME. Hang in there – it is going to be one scary roller coaster ride but stay strong and you will come through all this – it has just been one month for me and already Im beginning to feel better – have been reading a lot , exercising, spending more time with my kids, even went shopping for new clothes . You are not alone in this – it is scary how rampant this is. Im so glad for this website and for the encouragement it gives me and others to deal with this pain. You will come through this.
We went to a women therapist yesterday. My husband is still in love with this woman and she told my husband that his feeling like that makes things look bad for the outcome of our marriage. She said it takes 3 years to get over an affair and that I was in for hell. She told my husband he devastated me not just hurt me. She is going to counsel us separately next week. Says shes going to try and help my husband make decisions re: the other woman and help me to get through this.
She told my husband because of my rollercoaster of emotions to be prepared to deal with it and some husbands don’t want to do that and end up going to the OW. She also recommended Retrouvaille for marriages in crisis which my husband agreed to.
When we got in the car after counseling I felt worse, not better because of how he feels about the OW. I again told him he has to drop her , NO contact. He still hesitated and said ” I’ll try” But it’s just not good enough for me. I told him I can’t be like the faithful old dog sitting by the fire while he has the luxury of thinking about whether to go with her or not. I couldn’t let that go and I told him he had to cut her loose or we are doomed. He finally yelled “Alright, alright! does that make you happy?” To which I told him it would at least give me hope for our marriage. Later in our bedroom I brought it up again because it is weighing so heavily on me and I feel he may be lying. He said he would not speak to her if he has to go to the other building but I have my doubts. He has an event this weekend for astronomy that he has to give a talk at and I am fighting with myself as to whether I should spy to see if she attends.
Going to an excercise class 3X a week and I have been walking, thinking and praying alot. I feel destroyed sometimes. I am going to visit my sister in NY next month for a few days. Going with my other sister but can’t tell them anything cuz they would hate my husband and they have big mouths.
Istayed after my husband’s affair which took place in 2003-2004 over a period of weeks. I did not know about it at the time. I just found out about it in Sept. 2011. (He was 58, she was 27) They worked together at the time but he has not worked there in 6 years so I believe it is over. We do everything together. It has been six months since I found out. I am pretty much over it but I still have some questions which I can’t seem to ask because I want to put this behind us. However,one of my questions was did he love her. And did she love him. He says the affair was not like that…strictly sexual. He says she thought he was handsome. He is handsome, but that didnt give him the right to sleep with her. I now have a new dilemma…we live in a condominium across from the beach in South Florida. We have some friends from our condo that go to the beach every day. My husband bakes in the sun and one of the female neighbors who is 58 is there all the time and likes to sit with my husband whether I’m there or not or her husband is there or not. One of my other neighbors invited alll of us to dinner last night and this OW sat and talked to my husband all night, somehow got into the question of massages and asked me why I didn’t give my husband massages. (My husband has never given me a massage.)I didn’t answer her. later she asked why I don’t make mashed potatoes for my husband. My answer to this was that my husband will criticize my mashed potatoes so he makes his own. I overheard my husband hinting to this woman and another man the fact that he had to have a sonagram of his scrotum. I was cringing thinking of what he was about to tell them. I have had sonograms of my cervix, uterus, etc. It was quite embarrassing at the young age of 40 and the person doing it was in his early 30′s. I don’t thinik I told anyone except my husbnd at that time. My quesiton is this, “why does my husband need this attention all the time.?”
I actually cringe when I am sitting next to him because I don’t know what he is going to say next. He is 65 years old! He told my son’s girlfriend who is 23 in a joking manner that she needs to let us know when she is coming over in the morning because she could catch him with no pants on. Imagine! Doesn’t he realize that he is 65, she has absolutely no interest in him. I don’t know if I should talk to my husband about how I feel about his desire to say these things (this will start a war, he will say I always put him down) or should I let him continue to stick his foot in his mouth and allow him to look like a fool. And finally, I went to the movies tonight with this friend and she wanted to know what my husband was doing tonight. I said he’s watching TV, like he always does. I had no interest in what her husband was doing.
Am I getting paranoid here, or is she also attracted to my husband. What do you think?
My husband had an affair 6 months ago for 4 months on and off. He was suffering from stress and on a verge of a nervous breakdown before the affair started. We were both in a bad place in our marriage at the time. My mother and sister both had cancer at the time. So I was trying to deal with that. So not paying attention to my 15 year marriage. He started being distant. I asked him so many times what was wrong. He would change like the wind. One day he would be loving the next day could hardly say to words to me. He then told me he was not sure if he loved me anymore. He said it was the stresses of work and all the family problems. He never wanted to do any thing with the children together. We went out for a meal one night and he started a verbal attack on me. Telling me of all my weaknesses and that he was so unhappy. I wanted to get up and walk out. But I was so upset and felt trapped and was crying. I asked him to stop but he just carried on as I was so upset and could not think straight. He finally stopped and we went home. Hardly spoke on the way home. I tried much harder to make our marriage work. But he did not seem bothered.
I then thought that he might be having an affair but had no proof. I went on holiday with the children my husband cancelled and said he could not come because of work. When I got back from our holiday the house was spotless and he had bought new bedding on the bed and he had washed the bedding I had left. My husband had never made or changed the bed in all the 17 years we had been together.
I had to go and visit my mother in hospital 120 miles away as she was having a big operation. He made arrangements for me to stay over night . He was being so kind to me again.
Then my mother became very ill and I had to go and stay with her to help her. She was suicidal when I got there. It was all to do with the life changing operation she had had done 5 weeks earlier. My mother had also suffered with mental health problems. I stayed 6 days and was worried the whole time what my husband was up to and this was the longest I had ever been apart from my children. I felt so pulled as what to do.
When I arrived home after dealing with what I had to deal with my husband was so horrible to me. Verbal attack again. I could not believe it. I just got up and walked out I needed time to think. I wandered why I bother to come home. Then in the morning my husband said that he was going away and he would be back in 5 days. I knew that he was going on this trip he had told me weeks before. I asked him not to go as I needed his support. He just packed his bag and went and said you will be fine. He walked out the door and never even kissed me goodbye. He phoned later and was offish with me. When he came home he normally brings me a little some thing. He never bothered this time. I didn’t say anything. Then my husband went to work for a few days and every thing just carried on. He said he was not going to work today lets go out for lunch. I was worried as the last time he took me out he was so horrible to me. When we sat in the restaurant he was a nervous wreak. He was sweating and shaking. I asked him what was wrong. He said it’s the tablets the Dr has put me on.
The next day my husband went to watch sport and had a few drinks with his mates afterwards. When he came home he was looking awful again. He placed his coat over the chair and sat in the other chair. His phone went off a text message. I asked if he was going to answer it. He said it was late and he would look at it in the morning. This made me feel very uneasy as he always checked his phone it never left his side. We went to bed. I just lay there wondering about the text message. I waited for him to fall asleep. Then I went down stairs to check his phone i’ve never ever done this before. I locked my self in the toilet. There was a text from the ow saying that her husband knew and he had beaten her up and he was coming after
him. My husband woke up and came down stairs looking for me he was banging on the door wanting his phone. I asked him why he wanted the phone I was shaking with anger and rage. I told him he could have his phone and that I could not see see anything on there. We went back to bed and I just lay there. He held me in his arms would not let me go all night. I got up early as I had not slept a wink. My husband got up and sat in the chair he could not move he was shaking and crying. I could not think straight. I made a drink. No sooner had I drunk it I was sick. I was going to leave him. I packed some things when he was sat in the chair. He said he was sorry for how I was feeling. I had to get out the house. I went for a walk to try and work out what to do. The children were up when I got back. I tried to be as normal as I could be. I felt suicidal. I went to the supermarket and bought loads of packets of paracetamol and a very large bottle of vodka. I went back home and sat at the table and wrote my note. Then I done all the house work and got the children’s school uniforms ready for school the next day. My husband still sat in the chair, I was being sick again.
I was going to wait until they had gone to bed then I was going to get in the car park up at my favorite place and take the tablets and the vodka. The children had gone to bed and I waited I got in the car and then I couldn’t move. I couldn’t leave my children. I loved them more than anything. I was not going to leave them. So I got out the car and went back to bed. I lay there awake all night. I got up with the children in the morning and got them off to school.
My husband was still in bed I don’t know what made me do this but I went to his wallet and went through the receipts. I found one for a lovely hotel for 2 and restaurant receipts fro 2 people and then I found a receipt for ladies clothes and underwear. I sat there shaking trying to make excuses for them. I then photocopied them found my husbands bank statements and checked them. I then hid them all in a safe place.
I then walked upstairs and woke my husband and waited for him to wake properly.I asked him outright was he having an affair. I asked him what the receipts were. He then confessed to everything. I had to wait for my children to be out of the house before I spoke to him. I didn’t want them to hear us. My husband said that he was so sorry and that he had made the biggest mistake of his life. He said he kept breaking it off with her and she kept on blackmailing him that she was going to tell me everything.
He asked about the receipts so I showed him them. He said that she had bought the items herself when they got to the checkout she said her card was missing so he paid and she paid him back later. He said he had put the receipts in the bin. She must have put them back in is wallet. He had told her that he thought that I knew. The ow had done this to make me find out. We sat and talked all day. I told him he had to make up his mind who he wanted. He said he had ever only wanted me. He was never going to leave me. He was glad that I knew. He was so sorry for all the pain that i was going through. He will never be able to make it up to me. But he was going to spend the rest of his life trying to make it right.
I told him he had to cut all ties with the ow. She kept on texting him asking what was going on. My husband showed me the texts. I told him he had to tell her he had made his choice. She thought that I was going to kick him out. Thats why she forced his hand. I had a phone call from my Dr asking me to come in. So I went in. I had suspected that my husband was having an affair so I went for a full sexual health check. My Dr told me that I had a virus. My husband was waiting outside the Drs for me to come out. I told him the news he was crying and was totally devistated.
He phoned her and told her that it was over she became very angery with him. He also told him about the virus. She said I was making it up.
We talked more and we were going to make this work if we both put in 100 % we will get through this. My husband was heart broken by what he had done.
I had a bit of a wobble and was unsure of what I was going to do. So I phoned a friend and told her that I needed somebody to talk to. I told her every thing. I told her her name and she said she knew her she is known for having affairs with business men trying to get a lifestyle upgrade. When I went home and told my husband that he was a man in along line of people that she had affairs with. He was sick. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. My friend also told me that she would say that she was pregnant to try to split the marriage up. The ow had done this before. My husband said that she had told him she was pregnant he had taken her for an abortion when I was on holiday with the children 8 weeks earlier. He said when he finished it with him she said she was going to tell me and his mother what he had done. So thats why he went back to her. She had a hold over him. Thats why he took her away when i got home from my sick mothers because he said she was waiting outside our home and she was going to tell me everything.
He said he was not even sure if she was pregnant or if it was even his.
We have come along way and at times It would have been easier to give up. We have had our share of heart break. I then found a lump under my arm and had a skin cancer removed and also had miscarriage It was not planed. But were getting there both of us other. This has been the hardest 6 months of my life. I love my husband and he is so sorry. It seems like it’s been a soap opera and Ive been watching from the outside. The first few months went by in a daze.
We are working on this very hard together. I feel we are stronger and more open and we have a better and stronger marriage. I ‘m no means over this and I am trying in my heart to forgive my husband. Some days I just cry for all the pain that I have been caused. The good days outway the bad ones. I wish you all luck peace and happiness. You can work it out if you both give 100 %. Thank you for reading I hope I can give some of you hope. Stay strong. Today I’m having a good day. Yesterday was shockingly bad. So hang on to the good ones.
Joan, your husband is just being immature even at his age. Men still and will till the day they die think sexual thoughts about everything. They are trying to make themseleves fill young when they are really getting old. My husband is 52 and thinks he is 20yrs old. say things to me that are so out of line for a man his age. I would tell your husband your concerns and then ask him if he would like you to discuse his medical records to others too. Or how about his sex positions or his lack of sexual performances. He might think twice next time as to what he says when he speaks.
I wonder what to do when your husband had the affair, admits he loves the OW, but says he wants to stay. My husband and I went to counseling and it went okay, but he still says he feels numb towards me sexually. I believe it’s because of the other woman and he says no it’s been coming a long time because I threatened to divorce him 3 times in our marriage. And he doesn’t talk about all the stuff he’s said and done to crush me. He also said maybe I didn’t love him like I thought because of all the stress I’ve been under with my mom dying and this affair coming to light. I told him that is one thing I’m sure of. I wonder if he’s going through the motions because of guilt and then later he can tell people he tried so he doesn’t look like a heel.
When your husband doesn’t want you sexually do you make all the advances? When I did (and it was all me) many times he would say he was tired and confused. Said he found me attractive still but felt numb about me.
Hello Everyone! Hugs to you, although I can not comment to everyone’s post I read them and think about everyone often
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Dillyjean – I think your husband’s feeling are very common. Our husbands say they want to be with us, but have feelings (most lust) for the other women, and as wives we are stuck in the middle. As a women, your husband rejecting you and you knowing another women is in the picture is probably hurting your self-esteem greatly. I wouldn’t push. If he doesn’t see the beauty that you are, that is his loss. I think you need to look within and see if you really want to be married, that is first. If you really want to save the marriage, first ask yourself why, and then realize it takes two partners to save a marriage after an affair. You can do everything in the world, but if he is not going put in his effort, it won’t work. He has to step up, and saying he loves the OW but wants to be with you is not stepping up. Question him more on that, does he want an open relationship? Does he want to continue to lie behind your back, while you act like nothing is going on. He has to talk more about what is going on if you have a chance at saving the marriage. If he is trying to stay married to save face , ect. – his effort will let you know. If he truly wants to stay married, he would work very hard to mend things with you, even if he has feeling for her. If he is not going to put any effort, you are going to utilize your precious time working towards a 50% marriage. If you decide to leave, then I would not focus on him at all, I would focus all your energy back to yourself, doing things that make you happy, and understand that this happened for a reason, doesn’t mean life is over, maybe this means the start of a new life for you, maybe life is just starting to begin. Take Care!
Michelle – Thank you for sharing such a heartwarming story that was so authentic, it will help many women. I am glad your husband is being so open, showing you her texts and basically showing you with action that he chooses you, which is wonderful. It also seems like this brought you and your husband closer, to where you have a better understanding of each other. I know you are still going through the pain and emotions, but you are a survivor, and I am sure your kids and your husband are so glad you did not take those pills and vodka that night. Take Care and keep in touch and keep the open dialogue with your husband – virtual hugs to you!
Michelle, Your story had me in tears. I’m so glad you didn’t take those pills and vodka .I hope your husband continues to support your healing. No matter what he is the father of your children and whatever happens you’ll have to work together. I wish all the best and brightest future possible.
Lisa P
Funny you would say “discuss my husband’s medical records.” That is how I found out about his affair. And that’s is a really good idea. Next time I feel what he is saying is inappropriate, I hope I will be able to say, “should we now tell these lovely people about ALL of your medical records?” Thanks for the tip!!!!
Wow Michelle. Thank you. That is great advice. I am trying to hold on to the good days. Incredible story. My husband held me all night too when I found out. I think it eats at their hearts and it is the only thing they can do to ease their pain. Hold on
I have been having panic attacks. I got angry this morning feeling that my husband may be still pineing for that OW. I told him to look me in the eye and tell me if he has had any contact with her and he said no! and told me I had to stop this behavior. I told him I can not trust him. I cannot just get over this and that he has the job of regaining my trust. He has wounded me so deeply. He says he is sorry but it is without much feeling. I told him he does not act remorseful. I am doin all the work. Yes he is going to counseling (just started) and he says he is fully responsible. He says he is depressed because of pressure at work and says he is hurting too. But I told him I don’t have much sympathy for that.
He wonders if we should separate. I told him to ask the therapist, but I don’t know how he can afford it. I am going to visit a sister in NY and I said I could stay longer. He would rather leave if we separate. Says the house is more mine than his because of what he has done. Says he would continue to pay the bills cuz I sure can’t.
This evening we went out with our close friends who know about the affair and my husband held the car door for me and told my friends husband about a wedding we went to last week and a young guy was flirting with me and another woman. Was he jealous? Is there still some flicker of feeling for me? When we got home he got occuppied doing bills and I went to church for a bit. When I got back he was in bed.
I have been praying day and night for his soul and that the devil would be rooted out of him. Sigh… So very painful. I am meeting his sister soon for lunch, should I tell her what he has done? My husband says he wants to tell her first but I don’t want to wait for weeks. Tired of keeping this a secret from all the family.
Dillyjean, Your pain is real and will be for a long time. The average time for a person to get over and affair is 3yrs. While a man just wants to forget about! That is how they handle most problems, they want to move on, why discuss it anymore. While women want details and facts and to make ourselfs feel like we are not going crazy! We are totally different from men and that’s why we hurt longer than them. Tell your husband to read some books regarding affairs and they will all say the same thing 3yrs to recover.
Hello Ladies
To all keep your heads up, I know its hard but we have to look out for ourselves and our well being. I know that I have mentioned before that I am working it out my husband and how he is doing his part. But in moments where I least expected his character of being an asshole comes out. There is one thing that I did not mention. They way I found out about the OW was when I already kicked him out about another evidence I found. Completely different from his texts with her. When he got caught he called her just a girl he was talking to and why did it bother me if I already kicked him out. during my ordeal dealing with him and her while separated I also had a few friends of my own and slept with one of them. He found out about and became very furious and then started to try to talk to me again. What I am trying to say is that I hav ehad enough. I have reached a mental point where I do not need this man or this relationship to make me feel like I deserve a family and a husband. I do deserve them but with a man who can commit and provide the same feeling in return. I have done it all to see if this is worth anything but I feel its not. This made a decision to break our marraige up and not care of the consequences so why am I wasting my time. I have decided to leave and get a divorce. No more worrying if he will do it again, no more if hes thinking about her, no more if he loves me, FUCK all that. I am strong now to leave and not to deal with his feelings of Im sorry blah blah blah. I noticed that the only thing I admire of the OW is the fact that she said fuck it with no hesitation and now i will do the same. He will be all alone and he will think now how it is to feel left behind and with no love. i am getting divorce papers tomorrow. He will not change. They never do.
DillyJean, it truly does take time and I went through the anxiety and panic attacks last summer. I did go on anti depressants for a couple of months and had to take Atavan for anxiety (1/4 of a pill worked for me). Now I take SamE, a natural mood enhancer and my vitamins and exercise 4 to 5 times a week. I am heading into 11 months since Discovery Day. We have separated twice, he wanted too last summer and he only lasted 3 1/2 weeks and asked to come home. Well once home he refused to attend Couples Therapy like he promised and after about 3 months of being home I caught him talking to the OW once again. I was devastated and went back into therapy and became strong enough to tell him in January either we get counseling and you make an effort or you leave. Well he left, took 9 hours to pack an overnight bag and he is still not living at home, even has the nerve to tell me things like I don’t care about him. My decision, my choice and now I do not want him home or back. My husband still tries to keep a foot in the door, telling me he misses me, he cares, he is attracted to me, he misses my calling or texting, he is worried someone else is going to snatch me up and he likes the changes he sees in me and sees how strong and confident I have become.
Well I met that someone a month ago and things are going slow and looking really great. This man knows my marital status and is giving me the space I need to get through the process of filing for divorce. I have an attorney now and once I finish the business book keeping and taxes will begin putting everything together for the attorney, I want to file by May, one year from when he confessed to the affair. This new man is so kind, honest, sincere, caring and accepting of what I am going through. We live 70 miles apart so right now that is perfect. I enjoy his company and what little time we can spend together. I have to say it is wonderful to be with someone who appreciates me!
Now I did tell my husbands family, his behavior towards me was and had been terrible and I was not doing this alone. I no longer keep this a secret, I just have not told my neighbors (actually the 2 woman neighbors came right out and asked if my husband had an affair and was that why we separated). I am finding that people want to know how a 24 1/2 year marriage, 28 year relationship breaks up.. The women figure it out, the men are the ones asking me! I found keeping up a false front was exhasting and I refuse to do it any longer. My therapist said why are you protecting him? He did not protect or think of you while having his affair. I do have to say it is very empowering to speak the truth. His families reaction? They are very disappointed and angry at him and also see he has something going on, like depression and even bi-polar was mentioned. But my husband refuses to help himself and I refuse to live another moment like I was.
Time really does help and you will know in your heart what you want, it really does happen. I did not believe it but 2 weeks ago I knew I was done with my marriage. I will always love my husband and I still cry at times, walking away from my marriage is hard, but I know in my heart it is the right thing and I have done everything I could to try to save it. They say you can save your marriage with only one partner, well yes he would come home but I would be miserable as he can never be the man I married and was head over heals in love with and he with me. He was and still is not willing to do any work to help me heal and to re-discover each other and a new and better marriage.
So time for me to move on….
LisaP, thank you for the info on how long it can take, my H affair came out in the open 18 months ago and that was devastating enough, until I found out that he is still at it with another one about 5 weeks ago. The second time around has been so much more devastating, glad to know I am not being an idiot crying like I do. This time I am finding it so much harder to keep it together, though from all that everyone else is going through I am probably much luckier as he works in another country and only gets back a few times a year so I don’t have to face him. I just wish all this would stop and I could find my way out of all this.
MelissaB you are an inspiration. My H has never once asked what this has done to me, never asks when he phones how I am, has never even asked for forgiveness, I decided it was not even worth talking about all this with him, as even when it first came out it was all about helping him through it, once he had got rid of her he was fine and told me that it was all over , I should forget about it and everything must be fine. I am not fine, far from it and finding out he is doing it again, which he does not know that I know, has as I said before made me feel even worse, though know that somehow, someway I have to find a way out of all this. I do not want to continue feeling like this and know I deserve better and want better, I don’t know this person he has become or maybe he always was as I think back and this is probably not the first time for him doing this, I was just too trusting, loyal and probably stupid to realise. Am wiser now, just not strong enough yet, and trying very hard, so your story gives me hope that somewhere down the line I will find my way aswell, thank you.
Jules, like you I have been married for 27 odd years and it is so devastating, so much tears. I have only told my parents just lately, the only people that knew about him and the OW woman were my daughter,( she knew before I did), and my sister and after finding out about this latest OOOW I finally told my parents and a long time friend. I have kept quiet for so long to protect him, though don’t know why, none of his family know, cannot bring myself to tell them know his mother will probably blame me anyway, though am sure the day will come. Some days I am so tired of all this. He has never made any effort to try and help me or make sure I am okay, everthing is and has always been about him. It has taken me a while to realise all this as the fog of my mind slowly clears and I start thinking about finding me.
It is wonderful that you have found someone that is treating you right, you so deserve it and to all the other ladies out there, we all deserve to be treated better, none of us deserve all this and wish you all so many Blessings for strength and healing.
MelissaB – If it hadn’t been for the fact that I was at work, I would have stood up and cheered for you out loud. I am (or would like to think) that I am on that journey of getting stronger. I have been separated since Feb 11 and frankly I feel better, less stressed and more “at home” in my little place than I did in the house that my H and I built together. I actually feel strange when I go over there, but in a way, I am glad I feel that way. I think it means I am making progress in breaking the mental and emotional ties – albeit in phases. I have had an atty retained for about a year, and feel that I am on the cusp of having papers served. I have met interesting men that seem so genuinely nice and caring and I find myself thinking “I would like to get to know him better.” And the level of dignity and respect I have been shown by them has simply served to reinforce how starved I have been for it. I think as young girls we are brainwashed with the Hollywood love stories “I love him so much – I can’t live without him.” I have learned it is quite the other way around. “I love myself so much – how can I live WITH him?” The more I am separated, and the more I am able to objectively look back at my life, and ask myself, is this still what I want in 10 years? And the answer is not just no, but hell no. I have no desire to be intimate with him ever again and I can’t imagine anything every changing that. He is still trying the old tactics, being nice, la la la, and he even gave me a “teaser” that he was going to go to individual counseling. But in checking the insurance online, there have been no claims filed that I can see. And he is WAAAAY to cheap to spend that kinda of money out of his pocket even without any reimbursement. He thinks I will “get over it” and forget. I think he thinks I will go the way of his mother, who when my H was young, his mother would leave when she would have “enough” of the shit du jour but always come back a few days later. And honestly, even if he does go to counseling, there is no guarantee anymore that that will be the key for me coming back. Maybe if he had done it sooner after one of the other many times I asked him, the outcome would have been different. But I cannot make that guarantee anymore. I felt guilty about that, and I have been so trained to do, but I am getting over it. Frankly, I think he is quite stunned that I can be so happy living such a simple life. Our house was a large, custom designed house with a pool and many nice amenities. None of which I really wanted, but he wanted them as status to show to all his friends. I look at it as more work. So here I am livining in a little cottage type house which is about 1/3 the size of our house in the country. I think it’s really a matter of time before I file my papers, but I think I have a little more to go to get my head in the game. Plus I have a great deal of work stresss going on and just need to give my body a break – I am trying to find new work at the same time I am trying to find a new personal life. That’s a lot to take on. In the meantime, I have discovered who my true friends are, and sadly many of them have dropped by the wayside. So, MelissaB and Em, I stand and salute you. Please keep posting the positive actionable steps you’ve taken. I may not post a lot, but they help me more than you know. Although I am a little old (47) for the Katy Perry type music, she did just release a song I really love and can’t stop playing it “Part of me” – there are so many lines I can relate to and understand. The video makes it even more dramatic (not saying I am going to join the Marines), but the artistic symbolism of her strength was just the right timing for me.
Most of us already have heard this, but for those who haven’t, happiness is a journey and not a destination. Two quotes have really been helping me stay strong: One says, “Wallow in too much sensitivity, and you can’t deal with life or the truth” (Neal Boortz). The other is from my very dearest friend who says “If you don’t accept the roses, the beatings don’t matter.” I had to think about that one at first, but it makes complete sense now. I don’t accept his roses (literally or figurately) so when he goes back to his “old ways” – the beatings (not real domestic violence, but disrespecful attitude, talk, behavior, dismissiveness, lying, secrecy, hiding things from me) don’t matter.
Also, in the weeks that I have been gone, he’s the one who has had to call me to find out how to do certain things at the house like recharge the water system (we have well), I replaced a thermostat on my car without his help, and am having surgery on 4/18 and have made outpatient drop off and pickup arrangements without him. I think he forgot how independent I was before I met him, but his memory is being quickly refreshed.
Just remember, the person who loves the least controls the relationship. Which would explain what he controled the relationship for so long. And why it would explain why I am in more control now – and believe me, it is a liberating experience.
Have a wonderful evening everyone and remember ODAAT, or break it down further than that if you have to. But it’ll help you get through it. Sometimes I live dangerously and live Two DAAT! Woo hoo! I may not post a lot, but you are my peeps and I follow you and think positive thoughts for you all. Brave on.
Like ladygator said an inspiration to us all. Thank you! To all of you like me just starting our journeys through this, take heart the fact that we are here gaining strength and support from each other is a sign of our strength we too shall overcome. Best to you all.
Thank you Gimlet, Still Grieving and Jewels.I didn’t want anybody to cry. I just wrote it from the heart. We are stronger than we ever thought possible. Like Jewels has said so many times before. You have to learn to love yourself again before you can learn to love another. Take time for yourself. I love myself again and most of all I’m proud of the inner strength I have gained. I did nothing wrong my husband was the one who lost his values of marriage. I took time for myself and lost weight 62lbs. I could not eat for months. I would have liked to lost the weight another way. I look amazing and I feel sexy again. I think it’s the confidence I have gained from all this. Don’t let it ruin your life try and take some positives from it. I can hold my head up high and walk down the street, knowing I’m a true, loyal and loving person. I’m very proud of how far I’ve come. Thank you for listening.
THANK YOU so much ladies, I am very proud of myself too. I put my foot down and said enough to him, to what happened (infidelity), the OW, everything. I dont want to hear it or talk about it anymore.
Ladygator this statement is funny when I read it..
Just remember, the person who loves the least controls the relationship. Which would explain that he controlled the relationship for so long. And why it would explain why I am in more control now – and believe me, it is a liberating experience.
Because that is exactly my situation right now. I have complete control. The harder I push him away and say “I dont need you!” the more he is sticking around and proving me that he doesn’t want no one else. I myself have proven it to see to if it was true what he was saying and it was. This time instead of me calling him out on his bullshit and telling him what his actions made him look like, he actually does it himself now. He calls himself stupid, insecure, a child, you name it. I just look at him and say what are you doing? Why are telling me what I already know? LOL. I know it’s not funny but when I started to put my feelings,wants, and needs first I have gained such power. If I really wanted to know what the OW was like in a personal level I can do that. I am in stable place now to go out and pretend to be friends and get to know her. But that is still undecided. I believe it wouldnt be worth it, for I know she was tricked by my H lies and after she knew we werent planning on getting a divorce she changed her whole motto to protect herself while still being very conniving. If I did do this it would be for fun and to show her that I am ten times better than she is even in the single life. I know I have more game. My confidence is back and feels GREAT. Anyways just wanted to vent or express how I felt in this moment in my life. I want to laugh to know how different he is and trying extra hard. Am I glad he is trying? Yes I am but I need more. A lot more. I need true words of why am I sooo important, why does he prefer to stay when there are so many beautiful woman to chose from, why stay with me and not with the excuse of our daughter… meaningful words or more like a miracle. Then maybe. In the meantime, my guns are still loaded (metaphorically speaking).
Hope you ladies will find that place as well and stand your ground as the woman you were not that woman he has had. Go to the mirror and call your self by your maiden name and say this is who you are and you still have power over heart,mind, and soul. Much love!!!
My husband has cheated on my teice (that I know about) for a period of about 3 years and yes I have stayed with him but its an uphill struggle every day. He has devasted my whole life and hurt me so deeply but I have two young chirldren to consider. My husband is deeply remorseful and says he regrets the pain he’s caused, but I don’t think I will ever be myself fully with him again. The need to keep a bit back from him somehow assures me that he won’t be able to urt me again, i know that doesn’t really make sense. We are trying to re-build our liuves, but i don’t think he really understands the devastation that he has brought in to our lives. I am not the same person I was, but I have made the coice to stay and try and work through it. Its been a year and a half since his last affair and I only found out in Dec 11 about the prefious affiar, so the whole situation cuts me like a knife. I never ever thought this would happen to me and I thought this would be the last thing he’d ever do to me, but looking back, all the signs where there. I was too trusting andhe took advantage of that. He’s took me for granted for years, however he seems to be trying to put me first, my problem is I don’t trust him and feel that its only a matter of time till he hurst me again.
MelissaB – I love your story — I am working things out with my husband who has truly stepped up — but there is always that gnawing feeling of — will this happen again…. he did not sleep with his OW — yet……it was an EA — she was married with a 9-year old and was coming on to my H at work. She was “going for it” — and my H and I were in a bad place. I caught it early enough but I do think he would have slept with her — and she was making all of the moves. Today I waiver on if I should have stayed or left — it’s been a year and he has done everything. But there are days when I just question my feelings for him. I’m no longer “special” and feel I deserve that — but then I think to try to forgive — once — and if it happens again, I can say I gave it my all. But that’s a crappy way to go through the rest of a marriage. I wonder if I’m too naive. Who would really stay with someone who could do this? I would never do it, so why would I tolerate it? I was just thinking about your power comment over the weekend. Told my best friend that I feel like I’ve lost my edge from all of this — he had control. — But I want to have the attitude that I have it back. I didn’t leave him and could have. He begged me to stay and dropped her like a hot potato when I found out. He has been in counseling for one year now and does everything with me and for me — seems petrified and paranoid that I’m not happy. He’s always working on it. But is that enough……that is my question for myself. Some days I think he has turned it around and other days I’m still so angry and disappointed that I had to go through this. I love reading everyone’s stories. It does help me keep it together. Hugs to all.
Ella..
I know you have those thoughts in your head but those thoughts are not worth your energy and time. If you continue to focus on those then you will always worry and have questions that you cannot answer at this time. Yes, I understand you want and feel the need to have answers but stop trying to get them. Answers will come with time. You ask yourself why did you stay?.. Well, because you are stronger than you know and makes you a better person. You are strong enough to deal with questions, thoughts, and images and overcome them. Do to not worry he will do it again or not.
Correction… Do not focus so much on him, focus on you. Find who you were before you met him. Beautiful, independent, sexy, and smart woman whose heart was in no ones hands but in yours. Become her again and prepare yourself. You will never know if he will do it again. But you will be prepared the next time. He is trying so he gets credit for that. You do not need him to make you feel special, YOU ARE SPECIAL. Since when us women needed a man to make us feel like a diva. We are gifted with great qualities. Show him who you are! Who he met and fell in love with. We didnt need them in the beginning and men love a challenge. A thrill in itself. Focus on you. Get dressed up just to go to work or even Safeway. Look good for you and smile. This goes to all the ladies. I am definitely focusing on me. I am on the verge to make a career change. He’s shocked. He asked why the change and my response was so I won’t be harrasing you and just simply moving on to new and better things in life. Challenge, Ah Ha. He responded with ok just dont forget I’m here and trying and I know you will get spoken to. Men, SMH. To say it in a more vulgar term, who’s the bitch now. Remember who you are and be strong.
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Hi MelissaB — thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I am working on me — need to get a new job. I left a very good job after the A discovery. It was a really stressful job, but it was a great-paying one. And so here I sit isolated — I get out with my friends — but it’s not the same. I am applying today for a few different ones. I think that will help. My H doesn’t want me to work — and so I do think he is uncomfortable with the opportunities I had at work. He was a bit insecure. I don’t let on that I’m feeling this now — I am demanding respect and he knows that if I even sniff anything like this again, I’m gone — and I won’t utter a word — he will receive papers. I told him I had even seen an attorney before — he turned white. So you are so right — strength does it — you always want what you can’t have. Good for you on your new career –I’m excited for you and sense your energy — that’s what I want back!!!! That will be my goal….. Love it. thanks
Dear Ladies and Gents
These posts have been very helpful to me. I am just a month and a half from D day. I need some advice. My husband says he loves me, says he will always take care of me, that I am attractive and any guy would be attracted to me. He has gone to one counseling session with me and one by himself so far. He signed us up for Retrouville, which is for marriage in crisis. Texts me once a day to ask how I am.
Problem is he comes home late as usual, eats, sits on the chair or lays on the couch and puts his arm over his eyes or head. Doesn’t engage the kids much or me. Very apathetic. I go to bed and wait til he comes and then talk. He’s tired because of stress at work. When I bring up the OW he does not want to discuss her because of our marriage problems and because I threatened to divorce him ( This was due to his verbal abuse and terrible temper.) Thats what he says got him to the point of numbness towards me.
Last night I was upset because of his non action at home. I told him that his words are empty. You love me? You sure don’t show it bub! I’m your best friend? How? you never treated me that way. The kids and I were always 2nd to your wants and desires. He says he’s always been that way and listed materal goods i have. I said “I’m talking about your time and attention!” He thinks thats all I did was bitch about what he did wrong. Doesn’t own up to that and used to tell me the world doesn’t revolve around me. I guess it revolves around him! I told him he is avoiding looking deep within about how he has totally turned me upside down. He has no idea of the depth of my pain on an emotional level.
I asked for the last name of the OW and he said no because he was afraid of what I would do. I told him I have her phone no. What do you think? I’m gonna go hurt her? I don’t do that stuff. I wanted to see if she had facebook.
He said in my emotional state he wouldn’t tell me. I wasn’t hysterical, I was calm but mad. He seems protective of the OW.
So my question is: Do I just keep banging my head agains the wall? Do I still sleep in the same bed (there is no sex, doesn’t want me). Do I just not be home when he gets there? I can barely stand to look at him doing the same NOTHING day after day. Having a pity party for himself I guess. I pray every day. He told me it sounds like I want him to leave. I think he may be looking for an excuse so he can tell everyone I sent him packin (poor baby!) He says he doesn’t want to leave. Not sure I believe that. How do I deal with the day to day crap?
Ladies I feel I have missed so much in the week I have been gone. My kids and I went on a vacation to Florida. It was absolutely wonderful. For the first time in 4 months since I found out I did not cry once this week over the OW. I did miss my husband and of course I worried about what he would do while we were gone, which is really annoying to me because we should have been having fun on vacation. Here is the eye opener. After talking to him last night when we came home, I cried hard once again. All the pain of what happened came flooding back to me like an open gate. Is that a sign? Is it a sign that I shouldn’t be here? When I am not around him I do think about what happened, but like I said, when I was on vacation I didn’t feel the pain like I do when I am here with him. I still cannot believe that someone who claimes to love me could do this. I guess I am back to the daily grind now and that includes the constant thoughts of all this crap. I know that I am a little stronger after vacation, because I realized I can do it on my own, without him. I can be without him, I did it for a week and I wasn’t really depressed, I missed him, but I wasn’t depressed like I am when I am here. I know I love him, but I also know it is not the same, I think sometimes the love comes from desperation of letting go, I don’t know….Sorry for the rambling. Anyways the vacation with the kids was great and I didn’t want to come home. Now that I am home, I read all your stories and my thinking is a little different than it was before I left. I hope you all have a great day, I have to get back to life today, this stinks!!!!
DillyJean I know how devastating that is, I didn’t have to deal with my H ignoring me because he was devastated when I found out. He did have some anger towards me when I asked him questions, but as far as the physical attraction, there is definately more now from him than before and that is probably because I have lost almost 40 lbs because of it. I know it is cliche, but like all the other ladies said. Give it some time, see if his attitude turns around. Don’t make any rash decisions now, and always go with your gut feelings, they are never wrong.
Dillyjean-
I know how bad you want this information. You need and must get those answers. You have to know what she looks like like, who she is, is better looking than you..etc. My question to you is why do you want to know so much? How is it going to help you in the long run? The answers you are looking for are you don’t need to know who she is. She got involved with a married man, that speaks enough about who she is. Is she better looking than you, honestly SO WHAT if she was or wasn’t. You are a beautiful woman and you don’t need to get approval from your H! … You already know he wasn’t strong enough to love you as much you love him and take any emotional problem and deal with it like a man. He still not being a man and still blaming you but this is not your fault. You need to know that. He needs to admit his wrong and hurtful decisions he made based on being selfish. At this time since its recent he will not give you the answers you need. One because despite what you think HE FEELS LIKE SHIT for what he did. He may not show it but he sure knows it. Second before you both can get past this he has to come out and take responsibility for his selfishness. It will take time. One thing that helped me get the answers I wanted was to approach him in a different manner. I didn’t just ask him for details by a simple calm conversation. I approached him like a child. Why? Well they thought like a child, acted like child, so I will talk to him like a child. It may sound harsh but it worked. My question to you is this because was I got what I was searching I asked the same question to myself… Once you get all the answers you are seeking, Will it help you in your marraige to save it or to leave it? I know that you are trying to find answers to see if the marraige is worth anything but knowing the information wont give the answer of what you already know. You know the answer now and its fueled by hate,anger, dissappointment, etc. WHen you come to a place where you have serenity within yourself then you will know the real answer and the right move to make not for your marraige but for YOU. Do not spend too much time on him. He needs to do that. You need to spend time on you. Figure out who you are? How would feel if he wasn’t around? What would you plan to devote love to yourself? I understand you expect alot right now. But expecting is the main thing that dissappoints you. You do love him and it does hurt but time will tell if you want him in your life or not. You will see your answer when you least expected. But for now. Focus on getting your emotions in control, dont let them control you… think positive when its negative. Do positive when al you wan to do is negative… Hope all best for you.
Rhonda-
Are you IN LOVE with him still? If you are then these emotions are normal. It does come back to you like a waterfall but if you want to be with him and he is trying then be strong and don’t let them overcome you. They are only as strong as you allow them to be. If you are not in love him then your 50 will never happen and you will never see the good he does only the bad he has done or is doing. You and only you can decide if you want this to work. The ball is in your court now and you have to decide what you want. I know its alot harder because you feel you will lose everything if a divorce if to happen but sometimes, just sometimes a divorce is not the end only a new beginning chapter in your life. Also if you chose to stay then do not focus on those years of despair and lies focus on you and he needs focus on him and together 50/50 you both will focus on a new set of years of getting to know one another for the first time. But like I said it is up to you. TAke your time. It may take a year or two but don’t stay and think negatively or her. She is not important. You have your H back so what are you going to do to show him she did not get the best of you and instead she only made you shine and let the fireworks inside explode to this beautiful, smart sexy woman he never met before. Show him that you are you and better. Keep that smile and your head high.
Dillyjean…..you can go to whitepages.com and you can do a reverse phone number look up, it will give you the name of the person that the number belongs to, you can the info sent via text to you. You can also look up profiles on facebook using the phone number or email of a particular person, as long as they have it attached to thier account.
Another note….my ex was the same way after D-day. However mine refused any type of counceling if it was for him, according to him, I was the only one that needed it so I could get over it…he just made a mistake and didn’t need it…wtfe! Anyway, what would make you happy? Do you want to be with him? I’m assuming here but…I’m assuming that he is distant due to he has not really decided what he wants…he is distant with the kids, that’s because kids have that “sense”, they can “sense” bad people. Not saying that their dad is a “bad” but he may be torn on what he wants. You can not build/repair a relationship if you do not want it. My ex still to this day complains about every little thing and we are divorced. He sends me random texts at all hours of the day and night…some are to try to get me in bed and some are just to be hateful. If he doesn’t want to give you any info…it’s because he is protecting her, he does not want you to contact her because he is affraid of what you will find out…he has not told the truth or all of it.
Do what is right for you..everything will fall into place
guys, i need help.
i have read your posts and my story is no different, except i am currently living in mexico and as i am not a citizen gives me hardly any rights at all.
this is just a short message as i have tried to post something before, but it never showed so this is a trial run. hope this works!!!
Dillyjean – and all other detail seeking people…..
To know or not to know details – that is the question.
The truth is, no matter how much you know, either through finding out on your own or him telling you, it will never be enough. After my H’s affairs (real and emotional), I pressed for answers to my questions. In my gut, I always felt like he was either 1) Flat out lying or 2) Avoiding me telling answers to my questions (“Why does it matter? blah blah blah”). I told him it matters because I said so and who is he to question. But here is the problem. On the questions I felt he was lying about, I kept pressing him. Example: I just KNEW she was in my house. He first said she never was. Then she was, but “nothing” happened. Then she was in our house and stuff did happen – in our bed, in our shower, on the kitchen counter. With the other EA, again, nothing ever happens. Well, then maybe he kissed her. Oh, and maybe they went to movies together while I working overtime. A full EIGHT YEARS later I found myself still trying to get info out of him. In a way, he is kinda right – why does it matter? Except the reasons it doesn’t matter are different for him than it is for me. “Why does it matter” for him means “why can’t you just leave this alone and forget about it.” For me, I have figured out it doesn’t matter because it won’t change the past and I’ve figured out that I will NEVER know EVERYTTHING and NEVER be sure what he is telling me is even the truth. The more I asked and thought I would get resolution, the more it simply lead to more questions and more doubt. So moving out was the only thing that finally gave me a mental break. It feels like I finally tunneled out of prison. I still love my H and would probably give him a kidney if we were a match and he needed it. But that doesn’t mean I want to spend the rest of my life with him and subject myself to that kind of torture. Eight years is a long time to spend EVERY SINGLE DAY wondering what you’ve been lied to about, is he still lying and and sneaking (which he was in other aspects of our life, particuarly financially, that I know of but how can I ever be sure????). And the thought that another 8 years from now (or 5 years from now, or whatever) that I will still be thinking the same thing is just more than I can bear or am willing to live with. I think sometimes we confuse being in love with being married with being in love with our spouses. I am no longer either. I feel for your tortured state of being as I have experienced it for so long. But IMO no matter how many details you know, it will never bring you peace, just more mental anguish. I wish I had better news for you.
To all detail seeking people…
After six months of wondering how serious this affair was I finally got more answers from my husband this week that did make me feel better about what was going on. He was 58, she 27. All the guys at work thought she was “hot”, but she liked him. So he had sex with her in her car. HE was the one that got the STD. That’s when he stopped, after 5 or 6 times in her car. He admitted this week that “she was probably having sex with a lot of people!” I believe he thought he was special and landed a beauty. He was not special. He found out she was a pig even if she was “hot”.
He lost more than I did. My finding out 8 years later was devastating for me, but it is a lot worse for him. He knows that I think of him as a cheater and liar and there is nothing that he can do to change this.
My only question now is why did he wait so long to tell me that “she was probably sleeping with a lot of people.” Was it his pride? Could he not admit to me that he was so stupid to think that this 27 year old really “liked” him? Maybe she did like him. But she liked a lot of others too.
I have been married to this man for a very long time and I still don’t think I know him.
My heart goes out to all of the women on this site who have small children and have to deal with infidelity and actual “love” affairs.
I hope you can all make a decision that is in your best interest. Keep in mind that YOU CAN NEVER CHANGE WAS HAS HAPPENED so you need to change how you live your life going forward.
Good luck to all you!!!
Melissa B
I believe I am still in love with my husband. I still want him to talk to me, call me, hold me, look at me. I am just not sure if that is from the deperation of what has happened or if I do still truely love him. I know that the other night I looked at him for the first time after we came home from vacation and realized that I really didn’t recognize the person lying on my couch. That is when the flood of emotions and pain came back to me. I read the post from LadyGator about how she was tortured for 8 years about the truth from her H and she is right, it really shouldn’t matter, but we are so obsessed with knowing everything because we were left in the dark that we forget to live our life and quit trying to live through them. I am just trying to find the strength to realize that I don’t need him. I don’t know why I feel like I need him in my life. So many times I wanted to leave because things were so bad and I was struggling raising my kids on my own with him in the house, but I didn’t. I stayed. I just can’t figure out why I am still here when he gave me the perfect out. He gave me the reason to leave. I have never felt good enough for my H from day 1 and all this proved it to me. You were right in saying that I need to make a decision and that is the spot I am in right now. I feel like I am in limbo. I want to move past this pain, but it keeps kicking me in the butt. I know he understands what he has done and I know that he is truelly sorry, but I just don’t really know where I am at in my head and heart right now. I wish I did know, my life would be much less stressfull and alot easier if I did. Thanks for answering back. I have just been sooo lost since we came home from vacation and I feel like I am back in that dark hole and can’t dig my way out. My poor daughter said to me this morning. Mommy what is wrong? you seem so very sad” My husband heard her ask me this, it breaks my heart that my kids can see my pain. I hope you all have a great weekend and a Happy Easter. I am trying to get into the holiday spirit.
RHonda-
I feel your pain. i know alot of people can’t say that and truely understand but I can so I feel it! Please understand what you are thinking and feeling is all very normal. It takes 1-2 or maybe more to really get over what has been done by a cheating spouse. Its been a year for me and until now I am at a place where I am no longer in limbo but still feel dissappointed it did happen. I do not allow the around the corner questions pop their heads out and say see if this!, what if!, he could have!, he would have!…. nope don’t want to hear it. I know people say its crazy but they are literally like voices in your head talking to you over and over. But you get tired and annoyed after a certain point. You will reach that point and start to see things very different. About your life, life with him, love, future, everything. You do not need to make a decision now. Its like Dr Phil saids if you still feel you have unresolved emotions in this maraige, do not get a divorce just yet. you have to leave, if planning to leave, with a clear mind and a stable heart for your sake and future. you should not regret nothing you do because you gave it your all. If he is trying then that is a positive and great news for your relationship. You do not need to rush any feeling because you want this to go away. It takes time to feel the warmth of a cuddle, the passion in a kiss, the love in the sex, and the ability to be interested again. All takes time and understanding and empathy from him. He cannot expect it to just happen. If he loves you he will console you when the those waterfalls of pain flow right to you. Please do cry, let it out. But just remember who you are and you do not need him but love him. You can live without him but prefer to live with him. Believe and know it will pass and look foward for your future with him. See it not as a horrible ending but a chance to a new beginning to get to know a man you never met before. Since you say you dont know this man, then good you dont know him and he doesnt know you so get to know one another all over again and see if this man or as I say future boyfriend or husband can win your heart again but how can he if choose to see that man you knew instead of the man you dont know. Dont focus on this limbo and maintain and control your emotions not for him but for yourself. It will make you sick as it did me at a certain point. Keep your head up the sun is shining for you.
Just an FYI to all those ladies who have a cheating spouse who does not understand or refuse to understand your pain. Think about what type of man he is and really see that its not you with a problem it really can be him. If it is then two choices… find away to work through it together or leave to better yourself and your future. These type of men need help as I read here..
http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/narcissism/narcissistic-personality-disorder-how-to-recognize-a-narcissist.html
Thanks for your comments ladies
It seems that when I get mad and upset re: this affair, my husband is humble for a while. Maybe brings up his guilt. I told him I need to know what he is doing and where he is at. He used to just do whatever many times and I had to ask why he makes plans without informing me. Yesterday he was much more talkative I think because I told him he was ignoring me. Just coming home going on the computer or watching tv and not speaking. There is no affection whatsoever from him though. No hug, no kiss, nothin. But come to think of it he was never very affectionate to me. I am not making any overtures towards him anymore. I think he needs to show me something.
I found out on March 1, 2012 that my husband had an affair with a young woman and that she had his baby on January 24, 2011. My husband is 50, this girl is 20. Apparently she did not even know his last name or full first name and left the birth certificate blank. She lives not to far from us and found out our address and his last name just recently to file the paperwork at the courthouse. I found out on March 1, 2012 through a letter that came in the mail from Domestic Relations asking for child support. I trembled when I read the letter and was in disbelief. On March 22, 2012 they went for a support conference and paternity testing was done. On March 31, 2012 the mailed result came saying that he was 99.95 % the father. I am depressed and crying all the time. We have a 9 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. We have been married for ten and a half years. He says all these things about it being a mistake, and how sorry he is, and how he is going to make this up to me for the rest of my life, how this was his sin, and it had nothing to do with me, and what do I want him to do now, and he wants me to stay with hime and can I please forgive him, etc., etc. Me- I can’t think past anything, this burden feels too heavy for me and it is not what I signed up for when I married him. I fix myself up and wipe away the tears when I go to work and put on fake smiles but inside I am dying. Writing this even makes it more real and I can not stop crying. How am I supposed to raise my children and continute on with life? Why did he hurt me and our family like this? I hate him so much right now.
Leah
We have all been to that first week when we have found out. I am so sorry that you are dealing with the pain of this right now. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I always get so sad when someone new enters this site because it just means that there is another idiot of a husband who lost their way. I am a little past 4 months from finding out. I have 4 kids who are all under 9 years old. I know it will sound awful to hear this, but give your pain time. The first month after finding out is terrible and I can’t say it will be easy. I woke up everyday, to only take care of my kids just so that I could get through a day. So many seconds in that first month I just felt like I wanted to die. The pain would over take me. All I can say to you is to keep busy, make sure you cry as much as you need to when the kids aren’t around and for your sake, I hope that he is there when you cry. Let him see the pain that you are going through. That is not said to be mean to him, but they need to realize what their stupidity has caused so that maybe if not with you they will never to it to another human being. Please keep talking on this site, it has helped me tremendously. There are so many women on her that have amazing advice and I am so glad that I found them here. We all are at different stages and thought processes, but the insight is the best and just knowing that there are others out there that understand will help. I am sorry for you and I am sending you strength and hugs from afar.
Melissa B
Once again I can’t thank you enough for your response. You have helped me to try and look at things in a different light when I am in such a dark place. I am striving for what you have written to see things differently and fresh and new. I am reaching for the goal of not letting the pain of the loss or what has happened, or how he treated me, or really how bad our marraige was before this all because of his unfaithfullness, but trying to look at how hard he is trying to see me now also. (He always looked right through me). There are so many positive things that are going on with us right now and I am trying to stay focused on that, but sometimes, I do still get the waves that overtake me and this last time it took 3 days to get over it. It comes like a thunderstorm and then it blows out like one as well. I guess you can tell today is a good day and the good ones are becoming more often than the bad. Limbo does stink and you are right I need to focus on other things within myself rather than the bad in what he did. It is hard to change your frame of mind when you have been rocked to your core. Thanks again for your time and words, I can’t tell you enough how much I appreciate it. I can only hope that one day I can help someone else as much as you have helped me.
Leah-
I am sooo sorry! I know its hard to find out something like this. I understand your pain, we all do. You are not alone so don’t think you are the woman out there that men do this to. I want to let you know you are still a precious woman and this is not your fault by any means. I know you are starting to question many things not only because she is younger but you are yourself the same question over and over in your head of WHY? but right now that question is not important. You are grieving and need to let it out. Please cry,yell,and scream how you feel when no one is around, not even him. I understand you want to go to him and start with the questions and demands but right now at this time you are too angry and need come to a state where you are ready to except anything he saids to you that way Your conversations wont turn into arguements. I know its easier said then done. But you need let your pain out. Go for walks,swim, jog, or take classes of exercise. I took boxing classes when angry in my sitution for a couple of weeks. It helped!
Just remember NOT! to feel unloved,unwanted, useless, ugly, old, and the woman who deserved this too. You are not any of these. He was the one who had very poor judgement and because of that he did a devasting decision to cause an obstacle between you too. Please see the word obstacle for it is up to you to decide if there still is a future with your H or not. That decision you will not know now for you are too angry to decide. But if its a dealbreaker for you then realize that this feeling of destruction will not last and there is greatness out there for you but in order to SEE it, you must overcome the devastation first. Give it time and sleep and eat something, STAY HEALTHY.
Rhonda-
Please no problem at all. We all need to stand tall and beautiful. I know its hard but we are strong, sometimes we just forget that. But times like these make us see that we can accomplish anything and overcome it as well. Thunderstorms will come and you will feel the need to stay in the eye of that horrible hurricane, especially if it lasts 3 dys. Don’t find comfort in that eye for it can be decieving. It may look beautiful and calm but once past it, the splashes of its strength comes crashing through. You must stay strong and overcome whatever feeling you may have and do a positive reinforcement. Not for him but for you. They will pass and you will not longer want to deal with it and say enough. Keep smiling and hope you enjoyed your weekend with the children for they are your heart and soul.
It’s been a while since I have posted to this site. Yes, I too, have decided to stay and work things out. It was a roller coaster of a few months. The last thing I posted was the week I found out about my husband’s affair with an old girlfriend he hooked up with on Facebook. I found out about it on 1/2/2012. Later on that week, I let him come home on his birthday figuring he could spend the day with his kids and we could celebrate his birthday as a family. After a great day and some tender moments (we ended up making love..which looking back I regret), he gets up and announces he’s going over to OW’s house. I was devastated. Fast forward to the coming days/weeks, he says he broke it up with her and we start working it out (so I thought)…only for him to start the affair with her again in the beginning of February. He moves in with her. He kept playing games with me telling me how beautiful I was, how much he loves me and our family…. and how he’s “working on getting out” of his relationship with her. I later found out he was telling her what she needed to hear as well to keep her on the hook. I was almost at my wit’s end, you know..that point where you have been hurt so deeply that there is no going back. Something in my heart just kept saying…”a few more days..give it a few more days.” Sure enough, he tells me that he is breaking it off with her and wants to come home and become a family again. And I see that a lot as a common thread among us women here…it’s us that think of the “family”. So the OW is away on vacation in Puerto Rico and my husband says he has to wait to break it off with her. He promised her he would look after the cats, and even though her sister lives with her, she’s not responsible enough to feed the damn cats (please). He promised her that he has to pick her up at the airport, drop her father’s car off at his house and he just doesn’t want to leave her hanging. This made me really question, do I really want to stay in this marriage? This man had no problem hurting me, hurting our children ( the MOST innocent in this mess). The hardest thing for me was I still loved him so much. So he comes to spend the afternoon with our four children and he goes to leave to pick up the OW at the airport. He declares his undying love, yet again, for me and says he’s going to break it off with her. So then he mentions that he is coming home the following day. I asked him that if he was going to break it off with her that night, why wouldn’t he come home that night. He says he’s going to be getting in late…she lives 15/20 minutes from our house (yes..what a nightmare!) at the most. If saving his marriage means so much to him…why wouldn’t he drive that 15/20 minutes to come home? So I send him a text explaining that I felt he should come home after he breaks it off with her, and how I’m going to be hurt if it doesn’t. He sends me back this text that says, “I DID IT!”…be home tomorrow basically. I was so hurt, even though he broke it off with her because I felt that he was selfish to the end of the affair. Again, my feelings did not matter. He’s not showing me the remorse I need to see. He admits that while he is “sorry”..he says he’s not “get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness sorry”. He feels that there were issues in our marriage that he was entitled at that time to do what he did. This is huge to me. I really feel like I need to see this remorse in order to heal. I also feel like my feelings just don’t matter to him. I also found out that she performed oral sex on him in the pickup truck while driving home from the airport. So you were really looking forward to coming home and working on your marriage, eh? I’m convinced that he just wanted to spend one last night with her. I’m just still so hurt. That lack of heartfelt remorse is huge and I am very uncertain if I can get past it. Then I feel guilty because I see that he is trying in other areas. He does check in with me, although he works in Manhattan and is away from home 14 hours a day…I know enough to know he can easily lie if he wants to. He has been giving me his cell phone to look at..although I also realize how easy it is to delete messages he doesn’t want me to see as well. I can’t believe what he says so I guess I am looking for that remorse as a measure of his sincerity in wanting to work things out. I also don’t feel loved and it’s nothing he is or isn’t doing..I’m just not feeling it. We have been making love, and the sex is the greatest it’s ever been…but I just need so much more than sex. I still feel like I love him and value “us” much more than he loves me. I hate it because I look at this man and I feel my heart well up with love and then break when I think about what he’s done to me…to our family. It’s so sad because I actually feel bad about loving someone so much..for fear of being hurt. He says that good has come out of this experience, and I must agree with him in some aspects. I have come away with renewed strength. That being said, going through this experience has taught me how much I deserve to feel loved….we all deserve nothing less, all of us here do. Life is too short to “settle” for anything less. I am hoping that starting marriage counseling again will help. We were going for a little while but stopped when he decided he didn’t want to give up the girlfriend and moved in with her. I still love my husband, I want to work it out…but I won’t be in a mediocre marriage. I won’t. I had a vision that when he came home, it would be all positive..but I’m still angry, still so deeply wounded and still so uncertain of the future. He came home on 3/15/2012. I know this process is often a long, painful one.
Hi ladies, I’ve been away for a bit visiting family but have been reading all your posts religiously. It’s been inspirational watching you all grow stronger and more confident and heartbreaking seeing some of you so hurt. Leah welcome. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you finding that your husband fathered a child with another woman, that should never have happened it is your right only as his wife. That being said you will find great support here from all of us. The one thing I have learned here is that we all get stronger by focusing on ourselves, something most of us are not used to doing. So please take a daily walk,garden or find something that you love to do that is just for you EACH AND EVERY DAY. No exceptions allowed on that. Know that we will all be thinking of you and all the rest of us and that you are not alone in this journey. Good luck. Tina I feel for you it sounds like your husband really doesn’t get it, his actions are so disrespectful to you.I don’t feel qualified to give you advice as I’m still so confused myself but know that I am thinking of you and wishing you well in your journey. So now to me, as I said I went away for a week. When I came home my husband surprised me by picking me up at the airport with all five of our kids holding a sign saying welcome home mom we missed you and him holding a dozen roeses the color of our wedding flowers. So I should feel great right? Well I don’t ,despite my husband doing evrything he can to heal our relationship I feel ugly and pitiful. I’m trying to take care of myself and it definitely helps but my confidence is at an all time low. I find myself feeling insecure and hurt at the littlest things. My husband just couldn’t keep up with the housework and the kids while I was away and I feel hurt that he didn’t rally and get things done. Shouldn’t I be glad all my kids were in one piece they got fed and were all relatively clean so what if the washing machine and coffee table were broken.I know how hard it is for me to do all of these things but I let the thought that he just didn’t care enough about me to consider how I would feel about coming home to so much extra work consumes me and leaves me feeling hurt. Oh and by the way the kids are off from school this week so I get to play catch up with them home. I have been so down that I did something hurtful to myself and it really made me realize I’m not in a good place. I’m feeling confused, my husband is really trying and doing everything I have asked we are spending time together everyday and treating eachother better than we have in years so why am I feeling this way?Am I going crazy? Why can’t I feel good about all the positives? I’m just going to keep plodding along doing all I can to feel better and hope this negative phase will pass.Well thanks for listening hope I don’t sound too petty. Wishing you all the best.
Tina
I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through. I am as fresh as you are in this and my feelings are just like yours. It’s like we decide we want to do this, but feel the pain and lose our footing and then decide we don’t. I feel for you and for all of us.
Gimlet
I am glad you had a good time and sorry you had to come home to a mess of a house. I have always felt the way that you do that shouldn’t they be doing something to take the burden off of us. Shouldn’t they go the extra mile like we do everyday to keep things together. Although I had the kids on vacation and he was home for the week, I still came home to an unbelievable pile of laundry from him and a kitchen full of dirty dishes. He did apologize for the mess, but really, you couldn’t take an extra second knowing that those were the last things I wanted to do when I got home. I to felt the disappointment and had a rough couple of days after coming home. I got some advice from Melissa B because I also could not find any strength in the positives. It seems like I keep going over the pain and the negatives. Atleast he brought you flowers, that was really sweet and it was also amazing that he had the kids make you a sign. I could only dream of my husband doing something like that with our 4. So I say hold on to that one for awhile, because even though the rest didn’t get done, he did do something big for you. Just trying to play devil’s advocate here even though I don’t really support any of them. LOL!!. I am also at an all time low in my self esteem and have felt myself pull away from my friends, my family, and worst of all my kids. I know the spot your in and it stinks. Really you don’t sound petty, just completely honest and if you are petty in your thinking then so am I because our thoughts are on the same track. I hope this dark spot will pass for you. I told MelissaB that mine came in like a thunderstorm for three days and then yesterday it blew out like one as well. Please take care of yourself and I promise I will take care of mine as well. Next post I want to see you post something you did for yourself in the next two days. Make it a point to do something for you, find the time. If you promise to do it then so will I. Maybe us overburdened mothers with many kids should do this as support. Keep your head up. Will be thinking of you.
Rhonda, Thanks it helps to know I’m not alone and I will be taking my daily walk after the washing machine gets fixed(we hope). I really try to do that everyday for myself. I think I’m feeling a little envious of my husbands spot. I have also been supportive of him and he is getting help for his issues. He is taking care of himself and while he is being very sweet to me he is also enjoying more frequent and better sex and sometimes I feel like he is benefitting from the pain he has given me and I resent it. I feel almost like a fool. I know that I am not and that fixing our marriage and keeping our family is of the utmost importance but can’t help feeling that somehow i am compromising myself. I hope i get over this pity party soon it really is doing a number on me. Hope your home is back together and that my guys will pitch in and help me too. Thanks again for your kind words.
Gimlet
It is funny that you mentioned that things are better between you and that your husband gets to benefit from the more frequent and better sex and the more attention from you, that is exactly how I feel too. I also often feel like a fool and feel like I am compromising myself. I know that if I actually mentioned this to people on the outside they would say we were nuts for staying with someone who could do this to us. So don’t feel bad about the pity party. I think it is normal as I am having these pity parties everyday. I just hope someday it is no longer a pity party, that someday we can be truelly happy. Do you think that is possible? I had asked my husband last night if he was happy and he said yes. That is the first time in 8 years that he has ever said that he was happy. Didn’t know it would take him breaking my heart to be happy. I waited for him to ask me that, but he didn’t. I asked him before we went to bed why he didn’t ask me if I was happy. He said I don’t know, afraid of the answer I guess. I would honestly have to tell him I am not happy at all right now. Things are better between us, he is trying with the kids finally after 8 years, and he is paying attention to me, but right now I am not happy. I don’t know if I will ever be truelly happy again. I love talking to you guys. And no my home is not together, it is a pig sty and I can never seem to catch up. I hope you are having better luck than me at that. Hugs.
Tina-
Welcome and please write anything and everything you have to say here, for we have been through what you are going through and understand its not easy and it makes us sick, physically and emotionally. I usually have words of inspiration for many but from what I have read I can see your H is still in his selfish mode. There are many facts that you need to take in consideration and make a decision on what is best for you and your children, for they suffer as well. One fact would be that he comes to you, uses the words he needs and proceeds to do the same to her. Another is to make love to you and make love or have sex with her. Last I dont know if you read what you wrote out loud but you mentioned ” his girlfirend ” as if you were just another girlfriend of his or the OW. First let me say you need to stop his behavior. You CANNOT believe any words he may say to convince you otherwise, actions speak louder. You need your space to really get your self together mentally, even that means to pack his belongings and tell him he needs to leave. Some men do not realise what they have until they are all alone and have nothing. Second you are not his sex toy. I know you may feel a sense of dominance because he sleeps with you but you need to show that you deserve respect. He cannot be sleeping with you and her at the same time, its very unsafe. Last please do not put yourself down by saying or calling her his girlfriend. She is nobody and your are everything. You do not see that, he does. If he doesnt then beautiful at this time you need to separate until he is ready to make this marraige work. In the meantime you need to put your foot down and show your worth. YOU ARE HIS WIFE, THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN, THE OTHER PROVIDER OF THE FAMILY AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE SECOND BEST. Please know that you do not deserve this no matter how much you much love him. Love at this point needs everything that comes with in order for it to work. Compassion,emapthy, forgiveness, consideration. If he is not putting his 50 in this then do what is best for you, you are what matters now. Look out and protect yourself like the time before you met him. Remember. Please keep your head high and find you again and once you do, you WILL have the strength to say ENOUGH or to make this work.
Gimlet-
I am glad that steps are being taken by your H in order for this work, even if you don’t. I understand you don’t see them because you are still clouded by those past thoughts which is normal, it takes time. I am glad to hear he welcomed you the way he did, for it shows he putting effort. He will get a negative reaction from you, its normal. I also gave my H the same responses which were numb reactions but he understood that it was his fault and did not get upset instead continued the day with a positive effort. By the end of the night and he was asleep and I was up all by myself I would realize his efforts and change my way of reacting the next day.
I understand your still down and hurt but in order for you to see his good, you need to control your emotions and not let them get the best of you. i understand you wanted him to fix what was needed but since your upset for has happen even its a couple of months or a year the little things will still be a pest. You need to focus on now and realize that he actually was in your shoes with taking care of the kids and dealing with job and sometimes it can be overwhelming. Instead of getting a numb feeling, talk to him. In a calm way explain to him how it is to be in your shoes and that having all these responsibilities is not as easy as it may seem. Communication is the key. I know your probably wondering why explain when they should know, but they don’t. Just as they don’t know the full measure of our emotional roller coaster. That is why is best to talk to each other. I actually wrote my feelings out and made him read it in front of me and then he would look at me and say I am sorry but I told him calmly sorry is not enough, I need actions. If they are willing they will show you just as he did in his greeting but don’t focus on your pain, it will bring you down and make you do bad decisions and say the wrong things because you will be upset based on that pain. See your realtionship now and its future. Focus on you and your happiness and find each other again without anyone being in the way anymore. It will pass and your relationship will flourish, give it time.
Rhonda-
I am glad that it is working itself out… it will continue to do so as long as you do not let those feelings overcome you. I know you want his part to show but it also takes for us not to let those emotions control us. THen we will see more and more. Stay strong beautiful
Ladies DO NOT worry about those pity parties. You made a decision to stay with not your man but your HUSBAND. WHo cares what anyone may think. You were and are strong enough to stay for your reasons. No one truly knows what happened in your marraige for a hurtful event to occur but no one needs to too. Its your marraige. You love your H and he is showing no one else but you that he loves you too despite his stupid mistake of selfishness. That’s all it was. If you went to counseling then you understand. FOr those going counseling then the actions of your H comes from many reasons but the biggest would be because he was thinking selfish. After the fantasy is all over and the supply of feeling wanted has decresed and reality sets in, they realize their huge mistake and that is why they always come back. Not because its convient, or because of the kids, or because of the court and money like the OW put it. Its because we are the wife, the love of their life, the family the want… all the good stuff. So don’t feel sorry for yourselves. Feel proud of yourself that you took a man who got lost and realize that he didn’t need anyone but you for the rest of his life. Keep smiling.
Rhonda, Thanks now I don’t feel so crazy and no my house is still a mess but I am making some progress.I’m going to take my walk when I get off the computer. The repairman just left he’ll be back in a couple of days to fix the washing machine when the part comes in. $357.00 and the fridges ice dispencer isn’t working right the dishwasher is hanging on by a thread and my 13 year old was cutting the neighbors grass to make a couple of bucks and screwed up my husbands lawnmower. When I get back from my walk I’m going to finish making dinner (Chili with rice and cheese) feed the kids,make a margarita for myself and watch Puss and Boots with the youngest ones and call it a day.I may even leave the dishes undone.Allright you know i wont’ cause it’ll drive me crazy but the margarita is gonna happen!lol. Tina Mellisa has some good advice for you think it over and then do what you think is best we’ll be here for you. Mellisa I think what bothers me is that my husband spent so much time on FB telling everyone how hard my job was and that I am a saint while I was away that he could have spent actually doing some of the things he didn’t to make me feel appreciated. Like we always say actions speak louder than words. My husband and I talked about how frustrated I have been by all the things around the house that have been neglected for too long. If he had just surprised me by doing one of those things I could have overlooked him not keeping up with the housework that I know he isn’t used to doing. I suppose I feel the need for some grand gesture on his part to help me feel better about myself and prove he thinks I’m worth putting my needs first for a change. I know I should be able to get that sensce of selfworth from myself but just don’t feel capable of loving myself enough right now. I do want to say that my husband is a good person and I know he feels bad about hurting me I’m just needy right now and I feel very confused about things.Well thanks for your caring advice hope we all have better days tomorrow.
Melissa B,
Thank you so much for your strength and encouragment. He came home on 3/15 and hasn’t been in touch with her since. She actually sent me a text message on 3/17 telling me that she’s stepping away from our marriage…that he has hailed me as an exceptional mother and that he feels loved by me and didn’t by her and if I need anything I have her number (can you believe that? Ok…so know we are best friends? Nutjob).
I remember reading a post by Jewel that said that the question will always be there “is he really not in contact with her? etc.” and that at some point you have to kiss it up to God because the truth always comes out eventually. I refuse to be obsessed with chasing him down. That wastes too much of my precious energy and with four kids, a job and nursing school…I recognize that I need to use my energy wisely. I do look at his cell phone, but I also know that he could easily erase any messages he doesn’t want me to see. After I posted my message last night, we had an argument and I asserted my feelings. I told him that I feel that he has a narcissistic attitude (he’s smarter than everyone, works harder than everyone, is entitled, always right and I’m always wrong) and “we” are just not going to work unless he makes some major changes in regards to that. I just feel that if he doesn’t feel “on his knees sorry”…then something is really wrong on his end (lack of empathy, remorse) and I’m not going to be able to work past this. My friend once told me an analogy at the start of this whole thing…and it makes sense now. She said that it’s like spraying weed killer on dandelions. They don’t die right away. She said to picture myself as the dandelion (not that she was trying to insult me by calling me a weed! LOL) and the weed killer was sprayed with that affair. Now that time has passed and he’s home…I feel like my feelings are dying. It’s strange. Looking back, Melissa, I see a lot that I allowed myself to do and regret. I was sleeping with him the same time he was sleeping with her….and I knew that. All I kept thinking was that this was my husband….”MY HUSBAND”. I loved this man for 18 years….been faithful. It’s not wrong….making love to my husband is not wrong…what SHE is doing is wrong. And although that may have been true…I allowed myself to be manipulated, played and used….and I take responsibility for that. I’m no victim. It just hurts to know that the very person who manipulated, played and used me…was the one person who was supposed to be my best friend, who I trusted more than anyone else in the world. So I licked my wounds and came away wiser from that. I made my choices, but my heart was pure…there was no lying or ill intentions involved so I’m not going to be ashamed of them even if they weren’t the brightest choices at the time.
So for now, I plan on continuing working towards my RN…determined to improve myself as an individual. I am prepared for the coming weeks/months/years. At the end of the day, I am determined that we will either come out of this strong…or I’m going at it alone.
Rhonda,
I agree with Melissa, don’t beat yourself up about the pity parties. We all have them at times. It’s a situation that, unless you are in it first hand, you just don’t understand…and I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone. I also know what you mean when you say that you aren’t happy right now. Remember, weed killer. Just hold strong to yourself….we all need to be true and hold strong to our true selves. We need to remember that marriage is voluntary and we are here by choice and we are the ones that are in the drivers seat….it’s just that the emotions of it all make it so hard to follow through with those hardest of decisions. From what I have been told by friends that have gone through this…at some time, everyone reaches that point where they wake up with clarity and see what they need to to do and have the strength to do it…it’s just a matter of getting to that point, whether it’s to stay or go. It’s still fresh so don’t put any more pressure yourself…you have enough on your plate!
Gimlet,
I can understand your frustration. That was also a sore spot with me when he was living with her. He was bending over backwards cleaning litter boxes (a man that always HATED cats!), fixing stuff around the house and tending to the cars. I was home Googling how to fix the belt on my dryer…and you know what? I did it. So as frustrating as it was, I came away proud that I did it by myself. But I do understand your frustration and that’s another thing I won’t hold back on anymore. You ARE worth putting your needs and feelings first! Absolutely…I feel the same way…all of us have been on the back burner to too long!! Please have a margarita for me!!
I thank you ladies so much for your support, this site literally saved me back in January. I’ll never forget. It was in the 3am hour and I was up crying, vomiting, shaking in a cold sweat and pacing….I came across this site and posted my first blog. The support and love, from people I have never met…from all walks of life, were the best therapy I could have ever asked for!!
Hugs ladies…and strength to us all!!
Ladies,
As Albert Einstein said ” There is no mistake so painful that love cannot forgive, No past so bitter that love cannot accept and no love so little that we cannot start over with…..”
When you question if you are weak for forgiving him remember this quote-
I don’t forgive people because I’m weak I forgive them because I’m strong enough to understand people make mistakes.
Lisa, Very nice, thanks for reminding us.
Great quote, I just wish we could all remember how strong we really are in the wake of the craziness of emotions we call our lives now.
I have to know something and am asking for advice so I don’t seem crazy. The night before last my H and I had an amazing night. Lots of cuddling and talking and the best sex I have had since I can remember. Sorry, to much information I know, but I need an outlook on this. Last night we went to bed, which is something we have made a point to do is to go to bed together now, it is really nice to do. We were cuddling and he totally started stripping of my clothes. Never said a word and we had sex again, but this time it felt awfull. I know it was the first time he had seen the OW in about a week, because her daughter who plays on his softball team was on vacation with her boyfriend so they had not been attending the games. So last night was the first time he would have seen her in a week. They don’t have any interaction as she is with her H at the games and my H says he doesn’t care to anyways. OK sooo it just wasn’t the same, it wasn’t intimate, it was kind of forcefull and I felt terrible afterwards. I just started crying like a baby. He just kept asking what did I do to make you cry please don’t cry, but I couldn’t tell him. He said he was sorry, that he could tell I wasn’t really into it, that he just wanted to be close to me and that he missed me so much all day. With that said, all I could think in my head was that he was wishing I was her. He never had sex with her that I know of, but what a terrible thought to have going through my head as I am trying to make love to my husband. Just to have the thought that he wishes I was someone else completely devastated me. The worst part is, even though he told me over and over very caringly that it had nothing to do with what I was thinking, even so, why should that even come through my mind. Does anyone else ever experience this? Am I totally crazy? I am feeling the effects of last night today and am back to being in outerspace and depressed. I hate this rollercoaster and am hoping someone can shed some light for me. Thanks ladies.
Rhonda,
I don’t think you are crazy at all. I think that’s part of the process. I have felt like that at times, whether it be during an intimate moment or just having a romantic dinner with my husband. It’s like a total disconnect and it does feel awful. It’s hard because those intrusive thoughts push themselves into your mind. I have often thought “is he thinking of her? is he wishing I’m her” when I was with him. I think that’s part of the stages we all need to go through. I do think you should share your feelings though…I think the worst thing you can do is bottle them up inside and question your sanity. I think the only way to truly heal is to process through those thoughts and feelings…”feel” them so you can let them go when you are ready. I think that’s the healthy thing to do for you…and it’s you that counts. You are very sane and it’s good that you are facing what you are feeling head on. Don’t be afraid to feel what you feel, just recognize it for what it is. You are going to have more days like that, unfortunately, so take extra good care of yourself so that you stay strong. You have a whole community supporting you here!!
I’m even having an off day today as well and nothing significant has happened so I think that major ups and downs (seems like more downs than ups right now!) are par for the course when healing from infidelity.
That was great quote, I wrote it down on my calendar so I can see it throughout the day. It is easy to get swept up in the painful emotions of it all. Thanks, Lisa, for posting it!
Melissa B
Rhonda you are not crazy at all. I didnt sleep with my H for like 2 months because of that reason alone. The times we did it between those 2 months wasn’t anything he started, I did and it was because I wanted to have sex. We couldn’t even do any postions because I thought of her while in the moment and I would just get dry ( I know TMI). Afterwards he would say “I know you didn’t like it”. I just would sit there with a sad face and tell him why I wasn’t. He would get so fustrated and sad because he would tell me that he was attracted to me and wanted to make love to his wife. I didn’t believe him. We sat down and said to me that he could be feeling the same but chooses not to. Since I slept with someone while separated as well. He reassures me that he refuses to think about her while with me. He feels really stupid and does not want to think about the act that almost caused him to lose me.
I know you feel a little insecure and second his mind when it comes to sex but it will pass. Take your time and wait until you feel comfortable to make love to your H. If you feel a certain way, to keep it to yourself because you don’t want to start a certain discussion. On the contrary, talk to him, tell him how you feel. If you are having thoughts don’t have sex instead cuddle,spoon, romantic talks, or even foreplay. Take it slow. Communication is the key though, express how you feel for him to understand your limbo, feeling, insecurity. They need to know and understand to show empathy. just let those emotions control the next day or the next, it can take over like I said before. Don’t allow it, think of now, the present.
Thank you Melissa, you are always and inspiration and my life saver, your words always make me feel better.
Sorry Tina I just saw your post as well and wanted to thank you too. I really don’t know what I would do without you girls here. I probably would have been a lost cause by now or in the nut house. You guys will never know how much I appreciate your help.
Rhonda you’d be crazy if you didn’t have those thoughts creep in from time to time. I think if our husbands understood the damage done to our sexuality they might think twice. I,m also back and forth but find when my husband and i have meaningful conversation and affection my desire for him is stronger than it has been in years.Let’s hope we all get past this soon.
Rhonda — You are not crazy. We all have those doubts and insecurities in that area. How could you not? I wonder the same thing. I know they would make out in our own car. How disgusting to sit in that seat — some days I want him to sell it — and other days I just say get over it. Riding there makes me wonder if he’s thinking of her — how awful. Anyway — back to what you are feeling — you are being reminded by triggers — they do take you right back there at an amazing speed. It has nothing to do with today — but reminds you of the hurt. I think it’s our body’s way of protecting us from further damage while we process what has happened. It takes a long time. I feel that way when my husband kisses me. We had totally lost the passion — UNTIL he started his EA with the OW — that was weird. It was like that got him going and then when he came home he was totally into me (or was it her he was thinking about) _- that was a tip-off to me that something wasn’t right. How do you say the L word to someone and then drop them like a hot potato. So he couldn’t have meant it — he loved how he felt I suppose.
That is what I worry about. If he could do it once (and he has had a few offenses — not sex — but crossing the line) — so he could do it again because his value system and boundaries are not the same as mine. So that is what I can’t take at times. Why would I want to be with someone who at the time didn’t want to be with me. I’ve been in the same situation — where I wonder if the grass is greener, but I go back to the commitment I made — so I wouldn’t ever proceed. I wonder what I will do if I’m ever in his shoes and have opportunity….. I know I’ve decided to stay to give it the shot — but sometimes if I’m so guarded that I’m just looking for/ready for the next shoe to drop – -and then I’m out. What a crappy way to live — how do we get past that???? Gimlet – -I’m living like you — back and forth. It’s been a year — I no longer have the angry outbursts — but do feel like it at that time of the month and after a few drinks. So it’s still bubbling just below the surface. I want to bury it……. So I wait for the next season of the Bachelorette — it’s my escape — to watch the trainwrecks on TV — ha ha.
Ella,
I have those same questions in my head all the time that you wrote in your last paragraph. These last few days have been awfull and although the pain is not sharp, I just feel a sort of numbness. I checked my H’s email this morning and saw a message from a “friend” that he has had for the last five years, not the OW, that I never liked when I first met her. He used to coach with her and the first time I met her I had two babies at home. She was not nice at all, couldn’t look me in the eye, I just got an instant bad vibe. She to was married. I told my husband I didn’t like the way they interacted with eachother or anything and he told me I was crazy and basically I just had to deal with it. To make a long story short, she coached with him for two years and then got a new job at a different school district. I thought I would never have to deal with her again. Little did I know that he had been e-mailing and talking to her all these years as well, knowing that I didn’t like her. So now, every once in a while she e-mails him to ask him a softball question. I found the first one right before I went on vacation, was devastated. He didn’t understand why. She then e-mailed him again while I was on vacation which he did tell me about, but after me asking. Then today I checked his e-mail again this morning and she e-mailed him again with a question. I have not told him I know yet, and I have been waiting to see if he is going to tell me. Like I said, she is not the OW, but she is one of the issues I have had with him having these female friends as a relationship, while he was so mean to me. I know that he will not tell me without my asking and right now, these things are deal breakers for me. If I can’t trust him to tell me even the stupidest things as this girl e-mailing him to ask him a question when he knows that I don’t like it, then what can I trust him with. I hate my life right now. I haven’t said that out loud, but I do. I hate coming home to my house, it doesn’t feel like my home anymore. I hate my bedreoom, my living room, I hate the feelings I get when I go in that house. Sorry ladies, this is the pity party. I don’t want to be this person anymore, but don’t know how to get out of this loop. It’s just like Ella said, even if I am having a good day, I am always waiting for that ball to drop. That is so sad that we have to live like this. I hope you all are having a much better day than me. Thanks for listening.
Rhonda — I would feel the same way you do about the emails. In fact, that was one of the issues in our latest issue — not only was there an OW — but he was still in contact with old “female friends” who he said he was no longer in contact with — so he was lying. And I think at one point in his life, they weren’t just friends. Anyway — I get it — it’s that sick feeling. I hate being out of balance — like I love him more than he loves me — feeling of being the weaker one in the relationship. My Uncle always told me that the best relationships work when the man loves the woman more — and so here I sit — on the opposite side – so I really want the edge. So if we bring it up are we being paranoid and feeding their egos? Sometimes I think he might have liked that before — probably not now — knowing the true repercussions he has faced. But in some weird way, I wonder deep down if he liked seeing me so devastated — as a sign that I really loved him. So it fed his ego more….. sick I know — but I think about it. I know you feel like you hate your life right now — I have said out loud — and feel the same way about my house. I am trying to do some redecorating — but really it’s just an outlet for me. Doesn’t mean a thing. We will survive. I just want to get my edge back. I don’t want to let any man bring me to my lowest again. That is what really makes me mad. SO — let’s make a pact to take another step forward — put on some happy music — “from back in the day” when you felt really great. It does help! Hugs to you and thank you so much for responding. I need all the help I can get.
Rhonda-
I can only imagine how devasted you must feel especially when you and him made decision to work it out. He needs to understand and know how you feel. At dinner or when time is available between you too, you should talk to tell him how you feel. Don’t approach each other with disappointment. Approach each other with consideration and base on that explain to him that you both made a decison to work through this marraige and in order to work there cannot be any more lies or hidden stories or evidence that would make you think other wise. All cards should be on the table. Same goes for you. 50/50. If you are bothered or feel a certain way, tell him how you feel and tell why it makes you feel the way it does and find a way to console one another. If he is still hiding information and not being honest, it will never work for your trust will not regain in the relationship.
Communication will help, either among yoursleves or a counselor will help too. Also, if he it bothers you too much and need reassurance. You could always ask him to tell her if she needs to ask any questions to him to email his wife, you
For you can relay the messages and his email is no longer valid. See if he objects to that suggestion. Just a thought. Hope it helps and keeping smiling ladies.
Ladies-
I love to help each of you for we all are in this together. I am doing good, not great but good. Living a everyday like a gift for which is it that is why its called the present.
My H is a changed man and everyday he proves to me that he wants to become a better man not because he needs to but because he wants to for me because I deserve it, WOW! right. I am thankful that he is trying but as a woman who went through the unthinkable I cannot live with just his words. I still am looking out for myself and changing careers and doing everything possible to prepae myself. Not that I am hoping it will happen again but I wasn’t prepared and this time I will be espeacially mentally. I have learned to love myself, feel important with out him, feel sexy with out him telling I am, to become the strong woman I was before I met him.
So I am good but hoping to feel great.
I recently had a phone call from a man that I WAS friends with at work just different location, which my H knew about. At first I considered this friendship innocent but he informed that he was married and also going through rough times. At that moment I stopped having conversations for I saw him as a dirty,lying, liar like my H and even in my time of pain I was not going to fing refugee in a married man..hahaha. He calls me today and ask me how am I doing and if my situation got better between my H and I. ( He ask this question because when I was separated him and I had conversations . No sex. No conversations about sex. ) I responded with yes, it is going well and he is back home, thank you for asking and to have a nice day. Respectful and polite. Right before I hung up he confesses he is having a terrible time in his marriage and can take his wife anymore for she is too controlling. LOL hhmmm sound familiar ladies. I simply replied with you need to talk to your wife. This is only a rough patch and things will pass. You both still love each and learn to talk to each other with out judging. No fighting in front of the kids. If she is controlling is for a reason and tell her your feeling and listen to hers. He said I know what to do but she just gets demanding and I shut down. I refuse to hear her bitching. I told him it would not be bitching if you did not shut down. If you listen to what she had to say then you would know where she is coming from. Listen and understand why she is being controlling. He just sighs. Then he ask to meet for lunch. NOW…. isn’t this funny?! Men big babies. I wanted to tell you ladies this because this man is going a selfish mode and I wanted to show you that because hes being selfish he is making all the wrong decisions. If I was that skanky, low self-esteem OW and would say sure!! when and where but he needs a slap and wake up call and as a wife he has been through what we have been through I am SLAPPING him..lol.. by telling him to go home and work it out for the sake of the marraige and it will pass. When a man is selfish they lose the ability to think and look for comfort even if they think its for the best in the moment but do not see the outcome outside the box.
Wanted to talk and tell this…
LOVE THE STORY! and good for you.
They are looking to self-medicate!
Melissa,
Thank you so much for sharing, you give me hope! It’s amazing how common and similar the behaviors are in all of these men!
hi Ladies
I need advice. My husband and I are getting counseling and is going to go to a marriage conference with me in May. Trouble is he doesn’t want sex. when he comes home he says very little to me and lays on the couch or sits on the chair. Sometimes goes on the computer. Says he doesn’t want sex because I might hate him if his “numb” feelings for me don’t go away and I might feel used. Should I sleep in a different room? I am trying to pull away a bit because my emotions were so nuts and I am managing to finally get some control.
Thanks
Hello… In this moment I am the one now in of comfort. SMH w/ tears. I figure I should now to make myself feel better. I was at work and went through his emails So I can relay the messages and came across an email from his boss and it cc every coworker including this female he FB search after he asked to come back. I was stuck and completely in shock, just when I thought there isn’t anything he hasn’t told me about I find this. This female which he told me was a high school friend lie! And was Not interested lie! … And I find out she works for the same company… ARE YOU SERIOUS! I got home and was deer in headlights. I ask him why didnt he bother to tell me who she was and she worked with him. I also ask is hot? He said no. Is she ugly? He said no . Is she cute like the first one, since they both have the same first name, he said no. He she cuter? He said yes. I ask why ask to come back? I was stupid and was still searching… For what?!!!! He didnt know. I am done playing games and my heart is not a FUCking toy! I think this is it ladies. The end of this relationship and the beginning to my future without him.
Hello ladies, although I have not posted in a while I have been following the posts. My issue seems to be a little different from the ongoing theme of desired intimacy. My issue is that I have zero zippo nada desire to be intimate (sexual or not). Frankly the thought of him touching me, kissing me, and “reaching home plate” repulses me. This feeling has been building for some time and is pretty intense. So needless to say there is no initiation by me for anything. Has anyone else come back from this? Or is this, as they say, “there’s yer sign.” I do want to have sex, just not with him. So I have not had any in 3 years. Last time we “tried” was on a Christmas Cruise and I just could not respond so it wound up me “servicing him” (robotically I might add) which made me feel even more like shit. Maybe I have finally “died the death of a thousand cuts” as they say from all I have endured over the years.
Ladygator: Am with you on that one, it has been 4 years and I feel exactly the same way you do. Don’t know if there is a coming back from this one, for me I don’t think so. It is like you say “dying the death of a thousand cuts”, how sad it is as we are giving of ourselves only to have the most special thing turned into something with someone else. Again your feelings of wanting sex but not with him, same here. Just the thought, well I won’t go there as you have said it all. Glad I am not the only one feeling like this.
MelissaB, I know exactly how you are feeling aswell, I found out a few weeks ago about others apparently current aswell, have not even mentioned that I know to him, keeping that for a later stage. I still cannot get over how well they manage to lie and act like it is nothing when you pull them up about it, do they never reaslise, or are they too arrogant to actually realise how much it hurts. Remember you are special, you have tried and are definitely not stupid, just a better person who does not deserve any of this. He is the stupid one. You are strong and you will know what is right for you, so find that place again. You are in my thoughts and send hugs and comfort from this side of the world.
It has been 6 months since I first found out about my husband cheating on me. It has been one of those situations where the first one was a one night stand, then he cheated on me with 3 other people after that. I found out about the first one in November, then found out about the rest of them in January. After I found out about the first one, we started going to counseling and he said that he wanted to fix things. I gave him every opportunity to tell me the truth about everything and he didn’t. I had to find out about the rest of them after he left on a deployment (he is in the military). I freaked out and told him that I was done, I was leaving. He begged me to stay, told me that I am the only person that he wants and will do anything to make what he did better. We have been going to counseling to try and figure things out and I know that he is really trying. He continued to have contact with one of the girls that he cheated on me with and when I told him that he is not to talk to her anymore, he said, ok, sent her an email and told her that she was a huge mistake and that he isn’t going to be friends or talk to her ever again. The rest of the girls he didn’t continue to talk to. I am at the point now where I see how much he is trying to make things work but I don’t know how to not be so hurt or feel so betrayed. I really want to believed that he is being honest with me. He has given me access to email accounts and things like that so I see who he is talking to. He calls me whenever he is deployed and talks to me for hours to make sure that I know he isn’t out doing something stupid. I just don’t know how to try and even move forward. According to him, the last time that he ever did anything was over a year and a half ago. I just can’t help but see him with them all the time, I think about it everyday and it makes me so sad and angry, I don’t know what to do.
Melissa B
My heart is absolutely breaking for you. I read your post that you had sent earlier and you were so happy and in such a good place. You were talking him up and feeling so comfortable with his actions. O.K. so what if I try and play devil’s advocate for you. Maybe he didn’t tell you about the woman working for the company because he knew how devastated you would be. He wasn’t trying to hide it, just saving you from more hurt and discomfort. Let me remind you that he is trying very hard with you. You have mentioned that all the time, which means he loves you. Here is part of the advice that you give me, tell him this is a deal breaker for you. Communicate with him as you tell me, about how much this new information is causing you to want to leave. Maybe when he sees and hears these words from you his straight and narrow might be even better. Just before you do anything, calm down, take a breath, remember that you are one of the strongest women that I have ever met. You have lifted me up on so many bad days, you can calmly deal with this and in the right way. Don’t make any harsh decisions, you have put so much time and effort into this, don’t quit yet, but if you feel this is it for you, then I know there are plenty of us behind you 100%. Only you can tell your level of done. My heart goes out to you.
My heart goes out to all of us out there. It is so sad that there are so many idiot husbands out there that do this to us. Let us remember though that for every idiot husband out there, there is another idiot woman who helped him in this monstrosity. So I guess that means there is just alot of idiot people in the world. LOL
I too had a terrible night. I mentioned the e-mail I saw from his friend not the OW and was waiting for him to tell me. Well, the kids and I decided to go to him game since it would be close to us. Remember he works and hour from our home. So anyway we decided to go to the special resteraunt we go to when we are around that town. No sooner did we sit down and get our drinks, in walks the OW, her husband, her son, and one of their sets of parent. Wouldn’t you know they got seated right behind us. I had to stare at their backs 2 feet from me and my kids during our dinner, I lost my appetite. If that was not bad enough, we went to the game and sat way down in right field, first base line. Next thing I know here they come, parking their chairs right next to us. I couldn’t stand to hear her voice any longer and wouldn’t you think her H would know how I felt and be curtious. So the kids and I watched the game from afar. My H knew I was upset when he came home and I told him about the situations. He didn’t really say anything, just hugged me. Here is the thing, he sees her every time there is a softball game, that is about 4x a week. Yes, her H is always there and her daughter, so I know they would never talk, but it is still mental torture for me. I am back in the dark hole today.
I am sorry to all of us. I wish I had uplilfting advice for those of us who are hurting, but I am not in a good place at all to give good advice to anyone.
Dear Aimee
I think that if your husband seems to be putting forth effort I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I wish I could see that with my husband. I would wait and see what continues to go on. If you find that he is dishonest in the future you could make a decision then. I have the same feelings about my husband about whether he is still seeing the OW. This woman is all over the internet like she is some kind of local pillar of society when she is a dead woman walking. Rotten inside. I have begun to take the advice of the wise women on this site and start to take care of myself. I am not pleading or begging with my husband. I have lost weight. I am beginning to look to the future. I also pray a great deal which has given me comfort. God Bless you.
Melissa B. What Rhonda said we are all behind you. Take a deep breath calm down (if you can) and then decide what YOU need. We’ll all be here for you, just remember that. Rhonda I think it is time to talk to your husband about next season, this is torture for you and I’m sure he doesn’t want to put you through that. Tell him you need him to find another way to bring in that extra income there must be another league he can get into (maybe even one closer to home) I know where I live they are always looking for more coaches. So as you know I’ve been in a funk and have posted about it. Well my husband read my posts and was very upset as he thought we were doing so well. The good thing about it is we talked about it. I had reverted back to old habits not saying that I was upset about certain things because I didn’t want to be the nagging bitch. So now he knows how I really feel and you know what, it isn’t the end of the world so I’m not perfect, that’s okay. We don’t expect perfection from our spouces and they shouldn’t expect it from us. Ladygator and Michelle I had no interest in sex for a long time and also felt like I was servicing my husband sometimes just an awful feeling sometimes and one that leaves you feeling very resentful. I have to say since my husband and I have been talking and I mean really talking about us and everything our pasts hopes dreams etc.. Things are so different. We also are engaging in pairbonding activities like making sure we have physical contact daily and not always sexual as you have to be ready for that .Both emotionally and sexually.Things like massages,kissing or just snuggling while we watch TV with the kids. We also try to go to bed at the same time something we haven’t done in years. People need to be touched and while it might seem forced at the begining it can become something you both come to look forward to each day. I suggested to my husband one weekend that we tease eachother without allowing it to got too far for a day or two and then let nature take it’s course at the end of the week. We didn’t make it past Wednesday and it was amazing how aroused I was as I hadn’t felt that way in many years. Maybe you can devise some sort of fun game like that to enjoy with your spouces it can be a real turn on knowing how badly he wants youwatching him squirm a little and be so eager to please you. The one thing you need to do first is talk and be in a good place emotionally with your husband then on to the fun. Also I think there is is a use it or loose it thing that happens I had avoided sex for so long that I had lost my desire for it so now I try to keep my fire stoked with or without him. I purchased a acouple of erotic books to help and by the way reading together can have its rewards too. Well good luck and best wishes to you all for a great weekend. I’m going to make mine fun hope you all can too.
Dillyjean, Glad to hear you are putting yourself fisrt for a change
Maybe your husband is depressed and does he watch porn? Sometimes porn addiction can cause low responsiveness to human stimulation. You can find out about that on a site called yourbrainonporn.com. Check it out and see if any of it fits.Anyhow keep getting stronger and taking good care of yourself. Way to go! Aimee I agree with Dillyjean it sounds like your husband is trying so there is hope for your situation if that is what you want. Good luck to you.
Thanks Gimlet
No He’s never been one for porn. I believe he is depressed except when we go out with others he acts like he is fine. And he is going to counseling , as am I, but I am going to ask the couselor if she is telling him to do anything at home. He is giving me a hug and a kiss once a day if he thinks of it because I asked him to. But doesn’t want to do anything else. So I’m trying to distance myself to save my sanity.
Ladies-
THANK YOU so much for your words. They helped me alot and made me realize that I lost my confidence for a split second. I of course shed tears of disappointment and anger and after typing my feelings, I took a long walk. During my walk I went from being angry at him to being angry at myself. I couldn’t believe this thing had affected me so. I SMH and starting talking to myelf in my head to suck it up. I was not going let this bring me down and if I felt that this was over then I should do it correctly instead doing an outburst and saying this I did not mean. So when I arrived home, I asked to speak with him separate location from where our daughter was and told him that was a two steps back heartbreak for me. I expected not assumed, but expected, all was out in the open. He replied that he was searching for sympathy from someone and was not ready even after he ask to come back. He thought after all the fighting after he came back there was no hope and made another stupid decision to seek a female. Which he has no interest and has never had a conversation with her. He assured me that if he did wanted a communication with her, he would have not search her on FB but emailed her instead through the company email directory. But that isnt what he wanted. He wants me and all that comes in a relationship he wants it to be with me and has complete awareness of it takes to be a committed family man. I of course don’t believe a word he said but was appreciated that he open his heart out and spoke the truth in what his intentions were to search for this woman. I listened to everything he had to say and then it was my turn to explain that I am devasted and i do not know what I want anymore out of this relationship. I am completely gaurded and have to watch my back. He understood and felt bad that he did not tell me in the moment and now has to endure to see me more in pain, which is what the opposite of what he is trying to show me. I made it clear that I will have to rethink every time he goes to the office, because shes there, and worry if hes checking her out of speaking to her. If I make any comment, to just reassure me that nothing is there and will happen. I also told him that now we have to take it even slower with baby steps and I need more time after this new evidence. He was very happy, like a little boy, and said yes take all the time you ned. I will be here and going no where. LOL. Like I said very grateful and very relieved of our talk but I am always on gaurd. If anything else should arise, I say it now I will start my future with out him. Oh yes! after our talk and checked on our daughter she hugged me and ask ” Are we still a family?” Now ladies …… you know this brought me tears, not in front of her but yes I broke down in tears. i said ” Yes we are still a family sweetie, everything will be ok” ….. Like I said including to myself we are STRONG WOMEN and cant believe we have to the power to endure and overcome all of this… there better be a huge pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. lol
Hi Ladies, just checking in to make sure everyone is ok. Melissa B. not sure there is a huge pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but I can assure you that you will come away from this experience with lots more self-awareness, self-confidence, finite goals for YOUR life, and a basket full of coping skills that can be used at a moments notice to ward off bad feelings– I guess we sort of come out on the other end like the Super Heroines that we are– stronger, smarter, more self- assured– with eyes wide open! Perspective is what they call it. Perspective is an AWESOME thing- especially since we have worked so hard for it. It is just the process that truly SUCKS!
Just wanted to let you all know that the process goes on and on — if you stay it never truly ends–it just gets easier to cope with because you have your stash of tools to rely on now. Just this past week I had a few hard days– Out of the blue– and that is how it is — out of the blue– no triggers, no fighting, no real reason for it to surface again– other than it is a part of my life journey- a moment in time that changed everything. I have searched long and hard with my therapist on why this happens to me every once in a while– her response everytime is that it is normal and I must have more lessons to learn. So far she has been right– I make it through each time having learned something new about myself and that is a GOOD thing.
This is not to say – don’t continue to search for answers– I know a lot of husbands are not truthful or honest at first– some not ever—Now my husband has been completely honest, truthful, and at one point broken during this journey – (I am lucky for that I know)–He has put in more emotional work into saving our marriage than I thought possible. He has come clean on everything- even the details of their encounters and conversations (Ladies–if you don’t know the details- I mean the dirty details–don’t ask unless you REALLY need to know – it is soooo painful to hear and it can haunt you if you aren’t ready)– so I don’t fear finding out more– there is no more to find out- and if there is it is insignifigant in the big scheme of things– I don’t fear another affair, because that is a deal breaker for me– the boundaries are set in stone on that one. I also know that I wouldn’t fall apart if it happened again, I would be sad and angry I am sure– but I would just go on- because I know I can.
Stay focused on YOURSELVES my friends — there may not be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but there is something even more amazing– a better YOU! Peace and Blessings—-
Everyone here will always have doubts, fears, and saddness shadowing our marriages. Just a fact of life now– it is how we approach these feelings that matters at this point– you want to feel them and process them, but you don’t want them to have control over you, define you, or impact your life more than they already have– we will forever protect our hearts –we just have to be smart about it now
JB love reading your insights I find them so helpful. So glad you and your husband are where your at. Congrats.
Just surfing the net for some comfort and ran into your site. I am very tearful at the moment. After many years of trying to move forward, past the 1st affair, I find out my husband of 16 years is back up to his old tricks. The 1st time was painful enough and happened during the 1st 3 years of our marriage. I found an email from his lover and confronted him about it. He was very remorseful and told me everything. More than I needed to know. He said that it was due to his loneliness being stationed many miles away in the military and swore that he would never hurt me like that again. So we tried to work things out and move forward. After all, he was now home with me everyday. So how could he possibly cheat if we are both working during the same hours and coming home during the same time every night. Guess where there is a will, there is a way. I actually found a letter he wrote to his lover this time. It just fell out of some papers. But, this time instead of confronting him about the letter, I just asked him about the woman he always spoke of as his coworker and just a “friend”. I asked him to look me in my eyes and tell me the truth about their relationship. Of course he looked me in my eyes and lied. Of course I’ve always been suspicious of their friendship. Constant cell phone calls, never introducing me to her, working out at the gym everyday, constantly buying new clothes for work, etc. For years I questioned him and he always lied. Besides, this is a married woman who is 15 years his senior. So I was the crazy one. That is until I emailed him a copy of the letter he wrote to her. Now he is “ashamed” of what he was doing. He is “remorseful”. He wants to tell me everything and go to counseling and save our marriage. Sure, I’ll go. I’ll listen. But not sure if I will stay. We have little kids together. The oldest is only 6. Should that be a reason to stay? He’s a great father, but a miserable husband. Obviously, no morals. It’s just really hard when you have been loving someone for so long and now there are little kids involved. My feelings are so mixed up right now, just trying to remain calm and not fall apart.
Hello Michelle,
Welcome to the site. The second time around is so painful, I remember feeling so many mixed emotions, the lies just rip into your heart. And you are right, with kids in the picture, everything changes. I would like you to keep a few things in mind (the first being this is just my opinion, you at the end of the day need to do what is right for you and your family). Be careful when thinking about staying just for the kids, even though you might not consciously do this, if you stay only for the kids, sometimes women harbor slight subconscious resentment towards their kids. Also, I feel the number 1 thing you can give your kids (again this is my opinion), is your happiness. They want so bad for you to be happy and smiling, and they want to be like mom and dad so bad, so if you can give them a mom and dad that smiles and is happy, no matter if the family is together or not, that is of utmost importance, our kids are doing to do what we do, not what we say, so it’s important to show them how to be happy, and the only way you can do that is through example.
And it’s ok if you are not all smiles now, when I say kids want to see us happy, I am talking about over time, I do not feel if they see us having a down period in our lives it’s an issue, it’s actually pretty healthy. But over time they should see a happy mom. There were plenty of days where I was miserable, and I am sure my kids saw it many times (I so thought I could hide it, but kids are on it, they can sense it). But I fought for a reason to smile. During that process I realized one thing – I can not truly be happy and continue to be married, so I left. And I haven’t looked back. Yes my kids are impacted by mommy and daddy no longer living together, but in my situation I felt they would be more negatively impacted by me staying, I did not want them to think that the constant arguing and sadness was what ‘marriage’ is all about. But that is my journey, you will take your own journey and it can end in a totally different way.
I think you are in a good place, you are saying that you will go and listen, but that doesn’t mean you will stay.
You do not have to make a decision right now, you have to let those intense emotions go through you first, it might take a few weeks, maybe even some months, but you will know once the super intense emotions calm down a little, they won’t totally go away, but they will calm down. Then at that point you can think more about the decision. For now, be easy on yourself.
As women we are so hard on ourselves and take the world on our shoulder, be easy, remember YOU, take care of you and do not put off your needs. Hugs to you!
We had ups and downs like every couple but nothing major and I found out that while dating and engaged my now husband had been cheating the entire time. I found out all this about a week after our wedding. The cheating was not only one or two girls but three. One was his ex before me. He even told her that if she would not have broken up with him that she would be the one wearing the ring (Joanna). Another was a girl he hooked up with many times before we met whom he had gotten pregnant and had a abortion with (Tiffany). The last was a girl we worked with(Chelsi) . I found out about Chelsi 1st and of course he lied and I believed his lies because I had no reason not to at this point. About a month later I found out about Joanna. But the one that I still just can’t get over is Tiffany. My husband and I have a 9 month old and he never mentioned the fact that he had gotten another girl pregnant before we started dating. While I was in labor he was texting her. On our wedding day they had made plans to meet up but she could not get away from her fiance. He told her multiple times that when he came home to visit again that he was leaving me home and meeting up with her… We are in counseling and it is not really helping me because I feel like if he was truly sorry or regretted anything like he says he does then he wouldn’t have done it with multiple girls. I don’t know what to do. I feel broken.
Dear ladies
How do you regain trust? My husband still has me locked out of the cell phone account so I cannot see no.s I am 2 months out of DD and I don’t trust him. Had a bad weekend with tears and Looked for him when he took his phone outside to talk. Which is what he used to before I found out about the affair. He got mad and showed me his phone but he could have called OW first and erased it. I waited for an hour to speak to him again and then I asked him how can we rebuild trust? He said he didn’t know and I said then why do you get mad? He said he wasn’t mad anymore but he says “you gotta stop this” . Then he talks about how we both have issues and how he was going through stuff for the past 2 years in our marriage. ( Like I am to blame!) I told him that doesn’t even compare to what he has put me through. Then he seems a bit annoyed and says yea I shouldn’t talk about myself.
To top it off he lost his new wedding ring which we got about a month ago. I noticed he wasn’t wearing it. He says he took it off at the gas station to check his oil or something, put it in his jean pocket and can’t find it. When I started to get upset he said “don’t start!” and doesn’t seem to care that it is lost. I brought it up again today and he is annoyed. I try to be strong and pull away but the fear and panic rise up and I get upset. It’s like I have to behave or he’ll go away. It makes me angry. What should I do?
Hello ladies,
Been following everyone’s ups and downs…not sure if it gets easier or not. Rachael asks how do you regain trust? ….from reading your post and the behavior that is going on…I hate to say it but it doesn’t sound as if he wants it back because he doesn’t think it is lost. He knows he hurt you, but you just need to get over it in his eyes. He doesn’t want you to question him about anything, basically because he has lied and doesn’t remember exactly what he told you but I’m pretty sure you remember every word. Anyway, it is all about him and how he feels…he isn’t thinking or he doesn’t care about how you feel. It sounds as if it is all about what he has going on in his life, how he feels, what he wants to happen, what he will do and what he will not do….he wants you to accomodate his needs (I am assuming this is something that you have done in the past)..he does not want to do the work to rebuild…he wants you to do all of it. That is just my 2 cents on what I gathered from your post.
Aimee….what is it that YOU want to happen, would you feel better being able to read through everything…see every call he makes…what if it is a number that you don’t know, then what? I can tell you from my experience…I went through every email, every phone record…looked through his text messages every day. He was ust deleting them….he would keep a few between me or one of his friends. See I would count the # of texts that he had made that day before I would head home from work….his phone wouldn’t match up, I would call every # I didn’t know to see who it was. I also found out that he was blocking numbers so they wouln’t show up on the phone bill, that way I wouldn’t have a clue on who he was talking to. The email…he had more than one account…more than one FB account…on multiple dating sites, etc.
My exmother inlaw said that my ex tried his best to fix things but “he could not do it by himself” That made me laugh inside, I replied with “he created all of this himself, he cheated and lied on his own, betrayed his family on his own, choose his friends instead of his family on his own…exactly what part can he not fix on his own?…..I gave him multiple chances to fix things, he couldn’t because it required effort…so I left”
My advice to everyone is figure out what YOU want and make it happen.
Dear em
Thankyou for your post. I believe its pretty insightful. Sometimes when you are emeshed in this crap, you can’t see the forest for the trees. I believe he is going through the motions as far as therapy. I have only confided in one friend and really I don’t have many close friends. (my fault, too wrapped up in the family) I want to tell my sister who is my confidant, but I don’t know if she could keep a secret and my husband doens’t want her to know because he thinks she will go off on him. (i would tell her not to). I am going to try to pull back again without backsliding. I am also going to ask the counselor what the heck she is doing to suggest things he could do at home.
Rachael….why is he “numb” towards you? He doesn’t want sex from you because he has “numb” feelings for you in a sexual way? So, would ahving sex with you make you less insecure about his affair? How does he plan on rebuilding your relationship if he is “numb” towards you and doesn’t really want to talk to either? I think you should tell your sister…it is your business and you can tell whoever you want for that matter. Maybe he needs someone to go off on him, he won’t let you go off on him because he controls the emotions in your relationship…he tells you when you can express your feelings and when you cannot…the “don’t start” comment and telling you that “you shouldn’t talk about yourself”…that is manipulative, he is not thinking of you. Yea, he is going to therapy…but is he engaging in it or just going through the motions until this eventually goes away and his life is back to normal?
Hi em
Actually he said he shouldn’t talk about himself ( sort of scarcastically) because I said his betrayal couldn’t hold a candle to what he said he was going through. He likes to tell me he is suffering too. I told him I’m not too interested in that because instead of coming to me and discussing our problems and going to counseling, as I had asked several times in the marriage, he chose to have an affair. He decided I didn’t care about him and checked out. Thing is when he was “numb” starting 1 1/2 years ago or 2 yrs depending on his story at the moment, he still wanted me physically. I said what about that? NO answer. That is about the time his dad died and he says he was numb about that and it’s when he met the OW. But the physical part was end of Dec until Feb. That’s when I noticed changes in him.
Oh em P. S.
Yes he is numb to me sexually and yes I would feel better having that closeness. He says he does want me to feel hate towards him and used if he doesn’t get his feelings back. He is one cold fish. I am suspicious of his feelings for OW. He has told me he loves her about a month ago.
Wow Rachael, I’m sorry. Is he numb towards you because he still loves her? Does he love you? I can understand the closeness part but if he doesn’t want it, then it would be “real”. Would it ever be “real” again? What do you want out of this situation?
Hi em
He says he’s numb because of our marriage problems. I wasn’t an enthusiastic partner in the bed room and never initiated anything. Always bitching etc. and I threatened to divorce him because I was treated with disrespect and put last. I did not feel loved. I think he is still attached to her. I meant to say in last post that he didnt want me to hate him. I want to be reconciled but he is not repentant nor remorseful. we are supposed to go to a crisis marriage weekend but what good is it if his heart isnt in it.
Hi Rachael,
It is hard to be enthusiastic if you are not feeling the love from your partner, if you are being or feel disrespected and always last in someones life, especially your husband, the one that is supposed to love you and respect you….and always put you first. I can understand your desire to reconcile but is it really what you want or are you affraid of being alone? I didn’t want to give up my “life” at first, it wasn’t the best life…I was disrespected and ALWAYS last or never even thought of. I too had threatened divorce…basically because I was getting fed up with being treated like shit and always being yelled at and never being able to anything right. It is astonishing what we as women will put up with from someone that we love and who is supposed to love us and never hurt us. I hope that everything works out for you and his “numbness” towards you goes away.
Rachael
My husband was the same way. He was completely checked out of our marraige for the last 8 years as well. Everytime I would ask him to go to counseling he would say I don’t need someone to tell me the problems I all ready know. 2 years ago is when he started his EA. My H told me the exact things that your husband said, that things in our marraige were to painfull, when in reality the reason why I seemed like I was always bitching was because we had four little kids and he was not in it at all. As soon as our son came he checked out emotionally. He had no father figure and I think he was truelly jealous. Then when the other kids came he felt like I abondoned him. Instead of trying with me, he quit and looked for women who would make him feel good. There is no excuse for them, I know that, but I know that after I found out I was also devastated and for the first couple weeks, my H was angry and distant as well. When I actually sat down to talk to him and listen probably for the first time in years, he opened up and once he opened up things changed. He began to tell the truth about everything, he wasn’t so guarded and he was actually able to see the wrong doings in what happened. He also was guarded because he never did anything wrong and I was always wrong, in our marraige, and for the first time I think he realized he was the bad guy not me and he still feels terrible about what he has done. I think if your H is still in contact with the OW that he will never be able to be remorsefull because he has a cushion for himself. He has someone to fall back on. Maybe you need to set some ultimatums for him. He needs to cut it off with her or else. As painfull as this sound, if he had a realtionship with her for such a long time, then it is hard for him to let go, especially if in his mind he was blaming you for everything. He has to change his way of thinking. If you approach him calmly and sincerely about his feelings for her and trust me, it takes every fiber of your being to do it, maybe you will get insight as to what he is thinking so that you may make a better decision for yourself. Trust me, I don’t stand behind any of these men, or the decisions that they have made. They are childish and selfish and the thing that really stinks in this is that we have to try so much harder and making it work than they do, but I just don’t know how you can put in the effort if he is not willing at all. It starts with the OW. If there is still contact, then I don’t think there can be any hope. Only you can decide if you want to wait that out. I wish you the best, this is all so hard and terrible to deal with.
Dear em and Rhonda
Thanks for your input and support! My husband won’t talk about the OW. He says our problems started before that, but I told him that she is part of the problem because of how he feels. He doesn’t even want to talk about the marriage unless I bring it up. He claims he has cut off all contact but how do I know? He says his numbness about the marriage is his problem and he has to work it out. I guess he is working it out by thinking and everytime I have an emotional outburst or show mistrust maybe that reinforces his possible decision to leave. I just keep praying to have wisdom through it all. I am going to visit one of my sisters in NY for 10 days to get away. I am also dealing with the fact that my mom died less than a month from finding out about the affair.
Rachel-
I agree with Rhonda. He must stop all communication with the OW in order for this relationship to have hope. I probably wonder how your mind is going crazy and thinking of all these questions in your head and trying to find answers and trying to understand every decision he did to lead to this. I want to tell you, you will know have a deep conversations unless he is positive in making this work with you but if he’s trying to hae cake and eat it too then he is still being selfish. In his selfish mood he will never see how you are feeling or see the tears of pain that fall down your face. All he sees is that he cannot handle the situation and does not want to take responsibility of all that he has caused, especially if children are involved. I see your relationship and I see mine. I have delt with so much from my H for the past 7 years. After the affair I was at my limit and said enough. I was prepared emotionally (drained) to say goodbye. When he realised that I was no longer going to be part his life he changed completely. We are having conversations there are very deep and he told me that he didn’t know what he had until it was gone, then he saw how he didn’t appreciate it and this time he was to be that man. All this time he was unable to see and love me not until I gave my back to him and was determined to be out of his life that he was able to know for sure he was crazy in love with me and was not going to lose me.
My point would be that he needs to see how important you are to him but you are not going to show him by crying in front fo him, asking questions in why to you, or threating divorce. You need to be prepared to leave and not look back. He will know on his own how much he loves you and needs his life. If he never chooses to see it then he is not the right man for you and better to be alone then with bad company especially the kind that treats you like dog poo and doesn’t see your worth. I believe this trip is going to be good for you. You need to step away and have time to show your feelings for other important sad events. My prayers to you and our family. I hope you see your value and know that is ok if he is not in your life if the love won’t be returned.
Dear Melissa B
Thanks. My biggest struggle is over the emotions. Yesterday I was mad so I felt strong. Today not so much. I believe what you say. I have read it in books. I understand from reading here and in the books that I can’t control him. I gotta think about myself. Sometimes it’s so tough and I get panicky. But I’m gonna try harder and cry in private where no one can see or hear me cept God. Gonna distance myself but still be polite. God Bless all of you on this site. Thanks to all for your kind advice. I will pray for you all as well. Did you kick your husband out when you said you had enough? What did you say to him so he knew you were serious?
Rachel-
I wish you all the best. I know you feel scared about your life without him but its even more scary to be with a man you have to worry about and to think wether he loves you or not. Its harder to believe than say but you can do find without him. The feelings you have now are normal but mostly of hurt and devastation. Once you! Realize that all your self worth self confidence and sexyness comes from inside not from a man. You have to remember who you were before him. You were all that and more.
When I saw the evidence I didn’t think twice and did the packing and said leave. Being angry helped. He was shocked but imagine how I was. Of course as soon as I kicked him out she was all over it. She invited him to move in and all. He didn’t do it but made sure she thought she was number 1. Yelling for papers in front of her to lead her on. Well when push comes to shove I went and filed for separation. It broke my heart to be in that line but I told myself very firmly I am not number 2 for nobody especially my H!!!. So papers were filed and mailed. He couldn’t believe it and called me. I said over the phone ” you have made your choice. Hope she can give the same love and devotion as I did but as for me I am moving on ” . Then hung up. He got rid of her with drama for she refused rejection but surely enough he saw for himself I am the love of his life. It took time but he now is trying everything to prove he is the man for me.
He saw how serious I was not by what I said but by what I presented, seriousness. I presented papers, confidence, high self-esteem, and independence. I showed him that I loved him but didnt need a boy in my life but a MAN he can and is ready to give the same factors I was given him…love,patience,compassion,understanding, and honesty.
I hope you can see you have be ready if he is not the man for you. No woman deserves to be treated in that way when there is another man ready and hoping to be in shoes and to have a woman like you.
Melissa
You are a strong woman! God Bless Ya! Thanks for telling your story and giving me encouragement. Well I am leaving for 10 days tomorrow and while I am gone I am not going to call him much. I will call my kids. We go to retrouville a week after I get back and we will see what that brings. I am sayin my prayers. Thankyou Thankyou for your advice!
Melissa,
Enjoy your time away. Sometimes it is so needed to just have a break and clear your head. I leave for a week soon with a girlfriend, we are heading to Cabo…
I am still separated from my husband (3 months now), it is now 11 months since Discovery Day. I really thought I was filing for divorce but then all of a sudden we both have made little shifts… My husband noticed I was just not around, busy and I asked him to leave me alone and I started dating…. Well he has not liked that at all and was telling me this. I tried hard to push him away, not think about him, move on. But I can’t and the harder I tried the worse I felt. So I told him on Saturday that I still love him and that yes I had been dating but it is not what I want. He gave me a big hug and had to get too work. So I emailed him that it is one day at a time and baby steps right now for me. I am working through the past, learning from it and letting it go so I can move on with my future. I can honestly say I am not the same person I was 11 months ago, I am stronger, more confident, changing and loving myself again. Now for my husband to catch up, he is making small gains and admitting guilt, remorse, what he has going on, first time for him.
I sent the Retrouville link to my husband asking him to please check it out and think it over. I would love to hear your thoughts on it after you go. My husband has refused to go to couples therapy so far too, that is why I had him leave in January.
So for now, no plans on filing for divorce but I am not sitting home waiting either. I am casually dating one person but I think it is complicating things. So have to talk to my husband in a serious matter. Oh he was convinced I was going to Cabo with another man…… it would have been cruel to have him continue thinking that so I did tell him it is with a good friend, but she is single and that worries him, well it should!
Ladies
I have been reading your posts for advice and strength. Thanks for both! I have barely spoken to my H, and vice versa, since bringing his affair to light. He’s basically just helping out with the kids and being a good “father”. But, I don’t think I’ll have a problem with him and the OW again, maybe another woman, but not this one. I found out who her husband is and informed him of the situation. Not sure if that was the best thing to do, but I can’t fight this battle alone. Also, I wrote my H a “love letter”, similar to the one I found that he wrote to the OW. I confessed my love for him and expressed my feelings. I also included a list of things that he would have to do in order for me to stay. No negotiations. I put it all in black and white so he can read it and re-read it. I thought long and hard about this, because if he can do it all I will definitely stay. I wanted to add castration to the list, but thought that may be a bit much. Anyway, it’s all laid out for him. He can take it or leave it. He will always be the father of my kids, but the husband and wife deal is optional. Right now I think I’ll be fine either way. I have to be. I deserve to be happy again.
HeyJules
It was me who is going to Retrouville. I will talk about it after we go and give my opinion. Ya know, I wonder about giving a piece of my mind to the OW. My husband would not give me her last name but I had her phone no. And when I first found out about the affair I blasted her. And all she could say was that she was truly sorry and to take care of my husband and children as I should. I told her to go to confession and reclaim her soul. Thanks to suggestions on this site I was able to get lots of info on her including her name, husband (or ex husbands name) and an address. My husband doesn’t know what I know!
You know my husband introduced me to her at his christmas party!!! It was right before they began the affair and what’s worse is he introduced her to 2 of my kids at the catholic church where she does alot of volunteering and is on the parish counsel. I wonder if I should report her to the priest. Why should she not be called out? Why does she get to act like a saint? My daughters knew something was up with their dad and my one daughter guessed it was that woman. She told me that my husband was practically oohing and ahhing over her every word about this church which is historical. My daughters are confronting their dad while I am gone. He knows they know but I am hoping this gives him a shot of the terrible damage he has done. Should I tell at least the priest on her?
Hey Michelle
Sounds like you are getting stronger. I pray for the very best for you. I hope your husband accepts the boundaries. The castration bit was funny. Stay strong!
Hi Ladies — have been reading all of your posts. I’m sorry we are all here. Rachael — I wanted to respond to you just from my experience. When I found out about my H’s EA with the OW — he had other inappropriate friendships at the same time — I was devastated. But I would NOT tolerate the behavior. I will not in the future. I basically put it out there to him — basically — “go, be with this person” — if you really love her, I’m not going to hold you back. I want you to be happy and certainly don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t love me 100% or is in this 100% — I deserve much more and will have no problem meeting someone else. I asked him why he didn’t just separate or ask for a divorce — I would have rather had that than the deceit and disrespect behind my back. He would have treated me with more dignity. I also asked him how he wanted to be thought of — (he always said he never cared what people thought) –but deep down, that is a big fear — they are insecure. Because now — he was thought of as a liar and a cheater — his son found out….I knew …..and now OW’s husband knew — I told him. So now his reputation was going to be that. Was that going to be his legacy? Was he really raised like that — I can’t believe it? And then I walked away. But I told him to go and be happy — and I was ready if he walked out. I told him he had 24 hours to think about it. I didn’t want to talk to him or anything. He wasn’t allowed near me. I was so hurt and so angry — they never think about boundaries or put themselves in anyone else’s shoes. They lack empathy or maybe don’t care. He dropped her like a hot potato — I know not all situations are like this – -I caught this relationship at an early stage and before they had the opportunity to sleep together — it did involve kissing, etc. And I think it would have led to that as I saw her emails alluding to wanting to figure out a way to do an overnight — she is married with a small child! I still don’t trust what his feelings are for me — but he had his “out” — I gave it to him on a platter. I don’t know if I would be able to take the back and forth — but we don’t have kids ourselves — so I’m not as tied. Good luck on your trip. Anxious to hear how it goes. I am still haunted by this experience. It rocks you to your core – and I’m 1 year since d-day. I have chosen to stay, but feel conflicted about my feelings for him. I love him — but it’s not in the same way — it’s more”generic” — I read his emails to the OW and similar stuff to when we dated — so it took me down a notch in terms of feeling special. So I took him down a notch — it just happened. I don’t feel the same “bliss” — it’s a more realistic view of him….and maybe that’s the way I need to think about other people too. It showed me that people we love will disappoint us and even hurt us. BUT – I won’t let HIM OR HER control me — at least that’s what I say to myself. My brain says it and I’m hoping my heart catches up soon. Hugs to all. Michelle — loved your letter idea as well…..
hello? ladies my husband cheated on me not even six months into our marriage we got married 4-2-2011 he got cheating september now i think its my fault cause before we got married everybody were telling me he were cheating but i alwayls said he i havent seen it myself i am not worry about it but look what it got me i have been with this man 5years and stood by him without a job he had a heart attack in may 2010 i was there by myself not his folks me then in july he had to get a pacemaker its been me takeing care of the family and im on disabillity myself he just got his in dec and lied about how much he got and ive been there and you cheated he brought the women to my house laughing in my face like she were my friend with her man and he said he didnt use a condom and he just can say sorry i shouldnt have done it i am mad as hell hurt depress ,sad,cry all the time cause everybody, and drinking come before me i thought we could have cousel with my pastor we went one time he havent been back i dont feel nothing nomore in my heart its empty and he dont understand im telling him how i feel he still try to put it on me not my heart i dont want this nomore i am like a bird in a cage that wont to be set free
I have been trying to read all the posts I have missed the last couple of days, way busy with the kids in sports and work, kind of a good thing, atleast I haven’t been stewing over them. Ella your strength in your last post amazes me. Everything you said is so true and I wish I can get to the place that you are in. I guess a big part of my disappointment and sadness now comes from the childhood dream you have about being with your prince charming. I always believed in that and never thought that my prince charming would ever destroy me like this. The reality of it is that I don’t think there are really any prince charmings out there. I wonder if there is any husband that focuses more on his wife and family than himself. If you know of someone please fill me in because I just don’t see it right now. I am still struggling everyday to get through this. The pain and unhapiness is not as strong most days, but then some days it overtakes me and I am back at square one. It is so true what everyone says about taking time. I have found with time that the pain has eased, I know it’s still there because if I actually think about the horribleness (is that a word?) of it then I get depressed and crying all over again. Some days I want to be so close to him and never let him go and some days I can’t stand to look at him. Ella was right in saying that the love I feel is definately different now. It is not unconditional anymore, so sad. I just don’t look at him as the same person anymore, he is no longer the perfect man for me, but just a man I am married to now. It is terrible to feel this way. I now just have to decide if I want to live my life with these thoughts, these forever thoughts, or if I would rather be alone. I am getting stronger, but I guess you can tell I am at a crossroads. Has anyone been at this point. I mean I know we have all been at the points where we have decided to stay but question if it was the right thing, but the point where we just can’t decided whether this is how we want to live. How do you make this decision. How do you decided what is best for you when your whole life you have been trained to think of others? I know it is still early in my process, only about 4 1/2 months since I found out, but I am truelly conflicted. There is no question that I have love in my heart for this man or I wouldn’t be so devastated by what he did. I do still feel those moments for him where I don’t think I could or ever would want to be without him, but the moments are becoming more frequent where I feel like I don’t want to be with him and the pain that he has caused me. On his behalf he is trying very hard. His efforts are as good or better than they were when we were dating, but I am sure it is only a temporary thing, or atleast until he can’t see the pain in my eyes anymore. I know he feels guilty and terrible for the times when I cry now, he still wants to hold and comfort me, but he can’t look at me for he is too ashamed of what he has done. I don’t know, I guess these are all questions that won’t be answered today or maybe even in the next month, but they are things I am always thinking and just don’t know how or when I will ever come to my decision. I know I have been trying and things are as good as they were when we first got married if not better, just don’t know if it is good enough for me now. Things are exactly how I wanted them to be all these years and I have been holding on to that to keep me here, just not sure if there is to much pain in the last 8 years and in his unfaithfullness to want to keep me here forever. I guess you can tell today is not really a good day. I hope everyone else is having a better day than me. Hugs to all you ladies, I appreciate you guys so much.
Sorry for the rambling, it’s just my brain not stopping today.
Rhonda — thank you for your kind words — but I’m not sure if it’s strength — or if I’m a fool. I’m a year since D-day and your post is exactly how I felt at your point in the recovery and it’s the same way I feel today. I stay — but is it enough — because it’s forever changed/tainted. I sometimes feel I’m living a lie. I’ve not told that many people about this — out of embarrassment and not trusting it to get out to the public. I get the “prince charming” idea. I thought I married the love of my life — and I thought I was his. Well — I wasn’t his….and he must not be mine — because how he acted would not be what I descrbe as “the love of my life” — I would normally have enough self-respect to dump guys like this…..or as you said — are they all like this? I worked with a lot of men — they all complained about life at home – one even said he was looking for a Type A woman to have an affair with because they wouldn’t be clingy. Can you stand it? And I know the feeling of having your husband doing everything for you like when you were dating — but is it fake? I guess we can’t get inside their heads — and they can’t communicate like women — we could elaborate to them or to our girlfriends exactly why we did something. They just can’t — or don’t want to admit it all because of the shame. I found nearly every email and text message to this person — I still have them. Talk about unhealthy. He has had other inappropriate relationships — EA’s I think — but really who knows. He swears this was his wake-up call. But like you said – has too much damage been done? I don’t know what the future will bring =– I pray every night that God will send me my sign of what I’m supposed to do. If I left now — it would be for me – because of my own self-worth and what I want in a husband. Or to just be alone and separate myself from all of this. So you are not alone — this must be part of the self-exploration and “working on ourselves” that Jewels always talks about. I read everything I can find on the subject. Some people can’t take it — others make it work and make their marriages even better — I’m just not sure deep down if that’s what I want….. or am I just waiting for the other shoe to drop…… Ah that internal battles we all have. But I sooo get your post — you are not alone. Hang in there — go for a walk today or water some plants — I find my yard very therapeutic. I also quit my job about a month after D-day — I have never not worked (26 years in high stress jobs) — and I’m restless ( we don’t have kids) — but I also feel I really have no purpose and really can’t relax (though it’s definitely less stress). He loves me being home — but I even lost my independence – and I just can’t get off center to go out and do something. Even volunteer. I just have apathy now — not a good place. I hope this changes soon. Hugs to you too and to everyone here.
Rhonda and Ella, Your posts could have been mine. I too am in limbo ,not sure of where I am from day to day. One thing I know is that if things don’t work out I will be able to look back and say I really tried. My husband is trying too but I always wonder is it just an act or temporary , will he just do this again? I do hope our husbands are sincere and that we will all find ourselves in better more satisfying relationships at the end of this painful journey. I’m going for a walk now, gonna let the sun shine on my face and revive me. You two do something for yourselves too. Okay? Have agreat afternoon.
Ladies-
I guess we are all in the same place now after all our conversations. I am also there where if it works it works, if it doesn’t it doesn’t. We both have been trying but its really hard to put your trust in a man you know is capable of hurting it. I find myself giving it a chance and then I step back and stop myself or if the whole day is going good or wknd I feel like the day is not going good, almost like its too good to be true type of feeling. Its funny we are so used to be treated one way that we kinda miss it and think that that love was real when it was all fake. I know he’s trying to be different and kind and nice I see as fake and unreal. Funny. He is deeply hurt because he knows I don’t trust him no matter how bad he proves it. He ask me all the time How can I show you anything good that I am doing, saying, or acting if you don’t allow it? Hes right. I miss it everytime. I only see how he kept a lie or lies and cheated. Need to work on it if I want him to stay. I know he cheated but if he is trying then I need to do my part as well. I haven’t ben completely though. I probably will lose him all over again. Even though there are times were I say to myself is your fault I am the way I am. But not true. I am now the way I am because I choose not to forget but if I want this marriage then I must learn to forget as for those past memories are no longer needed to remember. Hope the rest of day goes better for this morning was not a good one. My spririts are high and have hope for me, my future, and our marraige ( if thats what its called). Have a great day ladies.
Hi everyone,
I have been reading these online posts for a while now. My husband cheated on me 2 years ago but I found out about it after I had our second baby about 10 months ago…our marriage didn’t have any serious or awful problems…there was not anything wrong in our marriage that could not have been fixed with some effort from both of us we could have been happy…I would ask him if everything was okay or if he was happy when I didn’t know he was having the affair but I felt that something was wrong … he would lie right to my face and say he was happy and he would never do anything to jeopordize what we had and that he loved me … all the while he was sleeping with and sex texting some girl at his work that sleeps around with everyone there. I found out on my own about the sexting then he lied to me for a year about sex with her saying he would never do that … when he actually did sleep with her multiple times … I found out they had sex a year later on my own … he admits he would still be lying to my face if I had not found anything out. He didn’t even care enough about me to use protection with her … and he was still sleeping with me at the time … which makes me so angry that he didn’t care enough about me to even do that. For the last 10 months I have been trying to stay and make the marriage work … but like the ladies who wrote posts before me, the marriage is not the same, I don’t feel the same way about him anymore … I feel like he is used and not mine anymore. He is doing things to “make things up to me” if that is even possible because I don’t know how you make up for hurting someone that loves you that way that many times. But I don’t think that there is anything he can do to “fix” what he has destroyed by cheating a lying…especially since the only reason he admitted any of it was because I found out and had proof. He has always cheated in all his relationships … so that makes me wonder if it is possible for him to change and to be faithful. He was wonderful when we met and made me feel like being together with me had changed him for the better and we were happy. I think it is a pattern of behavior since he has done it in other relationships so many times … which is information that he kept from me until recently. If someone can lie to your face like that about those types of things … I am not sure that they won’t do it again. I had so many hopes and dreams and my kids are just little peanuts and I am devistated that I don’t think that the dreams I had for our family will come true because I don’t think that what he did will ever go away and I don’t even know how I would forgive him. He didn’t care about me to even put any effort into our marriage before just finding someone else to have sex with … why should I care so much now trying to forgive him and fix the marriage the he didn’t care about? I deal with the feelings of hurt and anger and devistation every day and they feel exactly the same as 10 months ago when I found out…time has healed nothing for me at least. The other day I thought to myself “if he was presented with another opportunity to cheat on me and he knew that I wouldn’t ever find out … would he cheat on me again?” And I found myself thinking that he probably would … especially if he knew he couldn’t get caught … so I don’t know that I can spend the rest of my life worrying he is going to hurt me again…I just don’t know how one decides this is it, I am finally leaving … so I stay because I am scared and because part of me loves him … Hope everyone has a better days than I have been having lately…I just don’t know what to do…
DD
Your posts hits close to home when you talk abot how you had to do all the investigating to find out about what your H did. I also had to find everything out on my own. My H swears that he would never do this again, that he would never want to cause me that much pain to me ever again. Those questions you are asking yourself are the same ones I am asking myself now as well. I am not sure if I stay because I am weak and feel like I can’t live without him. Like you I know I love him, but I often wonder is the constant pain from what he has done to much to bear for the rest of my life. With little kids at home as well, I also feel sad for them because my ideas of their futures has changes tremendously as well. My dreams have been smashed and so have the dreams of my children. Seems a little harsh, but true. There is a couple of ladies on here that have said that you will just hit that moment whether you will know if it is time to go or that you will be staying for good. I am hoping that moment comes soon because being in this everyday limbo sucks!!! Cheer up, there are a lot of women out there that feel the exact same way as you do. I wish you all the luck in the world with this, I know it is the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do.
Hi Ladies,
Here is some food for thought….
When I cought my ex he denied it, when presented with the proof…he down played it…it wasn’t as big of a deal as what I was making it out to be. I decided to stay and try to work it out. It was good for about two weeks. He did all the promising of counceling, being a better husband…blah, blah, blah…none of it happened. Then I found out the OW was pregnant and due exactly nine months from the affair…of course he said it was none of my business and no paternity test. I filed for divorce. Ok here is my food for thought, he said he would never do anything to hurt me again and would NEVER engage in that behavior again. Ok, so I filed…we still lived together at the time because he wouldn’t leave. Now he would say that he didn’t want a divorce but he decided to go out every night to bars and with his friends. He also decided to start hitting on other women and texting them to see if I was looking at the cell records. I was and one night while he was saying that he wanted to stay together, I asked why he was going out all the time and texting other women. He said it was to make me jealous to see if I still cared about him. So he was doing the same thing that caused all of this to happen..the same exact thing that he said he would NEVER do again and just tohurt me all over again because things were not going as he thought they should.
My husband and I went to a counseling session this week at a local church. He became very irate and crying as if I had did the sinning. The pastor was even taken aback. What nerve! But a least he showed some emotion. I’ve never seen him cry before. Is that a good sign? He also presented the pastor with the list of demands I had written. Then the pastor proceeded to go through the items one by one and crossed out about half of them. But he did think it was a good idea for my H to give me the password to his cell phone and all his accounts (email, Facebook, etc) and cut off all personal contact with non-family females. So my H gave me his passwords and I went through his Facebook and deleted all the miscellaneous females I found. For some reason that felt liberating. Of course, he had already deleted the OW from his page. But would you believe he had just recently started “working out” with a female he recently met at the gym? He showed me the texts. He claims there was nothing to it. I believe it. But, I also believe it would have led to something more if the pastor hadn’t told him to stop it. It’s always innocent at first, then leads to something greater. Is he really that naive or just that stupid? Well, he says he is going to do his part and stay away from friendships with other females and do all the other things that the pastor didn’t cross out on my list. I will have to do my part and suppress my anger at him and show him more love and attention. Boy, will that be hard. But I will try. The pastor also recommended that we get the new Apple phones and get an app called “Find Friends”. This will pinpoint our location at any time. He said its good for peace of mind and accountability. The pastor and his wife also use the app. So guess we’ll spend the money and give it a try. It’s only been 10 days since finding out and already so much has happened. Can’t imagine what will happen in the next 10 days. But I have made an appointment to get tested for STD and HIV. God please let the results be negative! If not, then that will change everything…
Hi Ladies, I still check in once a week or so to make sure everyone is ok. Reading your posts and seeing new names always makes me sad –I know yet another woman is suffering because of an affair. But, this is a wonderful place to begin to heal, voice frustrations, and find support (it saved me many a dark day) — so I feel hopeful that everyone is finding their way out of the darkness of discovery. Again, Thank you Jewels for being so amazing.
There is NOTHING easy or quick about any of this– one thing I have learned over the past year is that those feelings of doubt and mistrust don’t go away easily. It is a constant inner struggle that I have spent several therapy sessions and even more personal time working on. The trust is something that has to be rebuilt over time and even with the most compasionate and engaged husband it is still WORK! The doubt thing (will it happen again?) –well, I’m not sure that can ever be answered. I know now that you just have to put yourself out there- I know scary– but this time we will be prepared and will not be blind sided ever again. That truly is the best we can do. I know for me these questions/feelings come when I back slide and stop focusing on myself and my well being– STAY FOCUSED ON YOU my friends– that is the key. I know that when I am feeling strong and confident in ME, the rest falls into a place that is safe and comfortable. The anxiety lessens and I allow the healing to happen. When I am not focused on me- those thoughts of the affair, his cheating, negative feelings about the OW, etc… all start crowding my mind and I once again feel panic– those are dark places that none of us want in our lives. My therapist told me this could go on for several more years–one of those time heals all things deals (yuck!). I know we all want it to stop now, we all want it to go away, we all want to just feel happy and safe again. Well ladies–We can’t fix what has happened, we can’t make our husbands do the right thing, we can’t make them honest or trust worthy, we can’t do anything about the OW, we can’t make them do anything– that is up to them, so while we wait — we can sit and dwell on the pain, hurt, and saddness– or we can get to a better place. The only way I have found to get there– well, is to focus on ME! It is amazing once you have a day when the affair doesn’t even enter your mind– joyous! You really start living again. It doesn’t matter if you stay or if you leave the outcome is the same– a day will come when the affair won’t be the center of your life– and that feels good. Again, the key to getting there is focusing on YOU! Don’t let yourself have idle time– pick up a new hobby, take a class, find a new job, get involved in a charity, or volunteer in your community– just get out and do something for YOU! It makes you strong, self-confident, and brings back that sparkle in your eyes and a skip in your step. It takes the foucs off the marriage, your husband, and the OW –and puts it where it should be with YOU! Don’t give up if the first thing you try doesn’t do it for you, keep trying — in the process you open yourself up to so many new experiences and people. For me it has been yoga, volunteering for an environmental group, and now I am taking up running. You are never too old, too fat, or too out of shape to run (or so my coach tells me
. I have been training with a group for 5 weeks and am up to 3 miles already 
The first week I couldn’t even make it 1/4 of a mile– at 48 I am so proud of myself I am about to bust!! I have never been athletic– so this is a whole new world for me. I am setting a goal to run a 10K around Thanksgiving– ALL for ME!!! I know the excuses– the kids, dinner, work, laundry, etc… I have them too- you just have to take charge of your life and do it – Make yourself a priority again — make your husband take on some of the duties– Let the laundry pile up for a few days– no one will die because you have a pizza for dinner once a week instead of a cooked meal– BUT what will happen is that you will feel good about yourself and you will start to see others see it too– that is the really great part 
A complete stranger can help you more than 10 hours with your therapist with just a single compliment or word of encouragement–they don’t even know it, but they are helping you heal from one of the most horrible things to ever happen to you.
The marriage stuff doesn’t go away and is still WORK!! and it is still HARD– but now you have other things that take up space where the anger, hurt, saddness, and crying once occupied. You start to trust yourself and your decision making ability again, and you become a better YOU. You start to find CLARITY in your life.
Ladies don’t stop working on yourselves– you are all worth it! No one here deserved what has happened to us, NO ONE. The one thing these men can never take from us is our self-worth– it may be damaged for a while, we may loose sight of ourselves for a moment– but as women we are born with an inner strength -sometimes we have buried it, but it is always there. Don’t give up on finding it again! My running coach sent our group an email last night and he always includes a quote for motiviation for us– it really struck home with me last night and I wanted to share it with everyone here.
“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it’d be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.”
I promise if you focus on YOU it will be worth it! Peace and Blessings along your journeys. I am thinking about you all.
Thanks JB your post was just what I and I dare say we all needed to be reminded of. Just love you ladies.
Gimlet- there are moments in life when it takes a village- this is one of those times. I am just glad you are all part of my village
. Have a great week focused on YOU!! I plan to.
Peace and Blessings–
Gimlet, JB, Michelle B
You guys have the most inspiring words. You ladies are further out than I am on this journey, but it is good to see that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. I sware without your words of wisdom I don’t think I would still be hanging in there.
I haven’t posted in a couple of day, but check everyone’s posts religeously. I am not sure if that is healthy or not, but you guys are the only people that seem to understand what I am going through. Especially since I haven’t told anyone about this except a cousin of mine. There is a part of me that so badly wants to tell his dead beat mother, since she is part of the reason he seeks out these relationships, because he is always searching for the love from his mother that he never got and still doesn’t and he also didn’t have a father figure around to look up to. His mother to this day still concentrates on herself and we only talk to her when we call her or she shows up for her once a year visit. So sad especially since I grew up in a home with two loving parents who are still togethr. O.K. I know, no excuses, I am still wishinng that there was someone on his side who was giving him some reprocutions over this, right now it is only me, and we all know that now that I am 4 months out the scary feeling of me leaving has left for him and things are back to the normal. I looked at my husband when we got up this morning, we were sitting on the couch and the kids were watching T.V. he got up to leave the room after he really hadn’t paid attention to anyone in the room all morning (just like he used to before this happened) and I started to cry. Not sure if it was because I am sad to see things back to normal, but it caused a big rush of the memories and details and all the ugly stuff I have tried so hard to forget and let go of. I am so tired of crying over this mess and being depressed.
Is there any of you ladies who just wish your H would do something big for you. I feel like I deserve him to plan something or doing something nice unexpected. I mean after all I have wasted away to nothing because of this, fought every instinct to leave, he ruined my self esteem and everything else that went along with me. Every day I fight those feelings and I stay. Yes, he has been better, he has said nice things to me, apologized, cried with me, but it seems that just when he thinks I am O.K. things go right back to the way they were when all was going bad and it gives me the mad rush of feelings. The questions and thinking he might be doing something wrong because he is not concentrating on me or the kids. I am so tired of the back and forth. I did talk to him last week about him not coaching softball, but he still doesn’t realize how much torture is involved with me for that. Remember he has to see her and her husband at every game because he coaches their daughter. It just plain stinks. I also feel like my expiration date has expired with him and his sincere ability to be able to sit with me and deal with this. He just seems to get fustrated now or distant. I am sure he is tired of hearing it, but so the heck what, I am sure tired of feeling it. Sorry ladies, I just have a million things going through my brain tonight and none of them good. It seems like when I get to a place where I think I am feeling O.K. something just tears me apart and I feel like I am at square 1 again. Does that ever end? Does the back and forth of emotions here after this ever end? I am afraid if it doesn’t that I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be going through this pain a year from now. Please ladies give me some good words of advice, I really need it. I am barely hanging on to my strings right now and don’t know what to do.
Rhonda, am only 18 months out of the first OW and 2 months out of the 2nd and 3rd OW which I gather he is still with and has no idea that I know, and have as you said gone back to square 1, so know how you feel. These feelings can take a very long time and this is not unusual for you to be going back and forth with all these terrible emotions. It is my longest break without crying, have gone 5 days and am so proud, every time my brain starts going there, I think of how I am going to be stronger, wiser and me and try concentrating on me and healing. I have vowed that I will not allow anyone to treat me like this again and you are strong, you have found your way before and you can do it again. I don’t know if we ever feel OK again, because as am sure everyone knows things never go back to what they were before all this happens. Mine has not even tried, never even considered me or how I feel, and although I am still here, I am working on myself and getting stronger and know I will find my way. You will too, look deep inside, you have the strength and courage and you will always be the better woman, no one can ever take that from you. Please keep fighting, you are not alone and the pain will fade, we all have those terrible days, but they pass and the next day dawns and slowly but surely we will all get through the pain. Hang in there, and send you Blessings.
Hello all. I’ve been following the posts over the last few days as I had some surgery on the 18th and so I’ve had a lot of time on my hands. It has been a trying time for me in more ways that I expected. For starters, what my doc & I thought would be a relatively minor, uncomplicated bone spur removal surgery from my shoulder with an expected full recovery time of 6 weeks turned out not to be the case. There were complications (rotator cuff was basically shredded) and I am now looking at a 6 month full recovery with lots of physical therapy. Ok, so yes that’s a setback (considering I am just coming off of a 6 month recovery from the other side and was hoping to resume some normalcy in my life in terms of doing the things I enjoy). That was shocking news enough. But it brought to stark light a whole new reality that I was not prepared for. As I was in the recovery room, the doctor came in and was trying to explain to me in my propofol, vicodin, dilaudid, valium based fog, that things were much worse than expected and more extensive repair was required which will require me once again have no use of my arm, and that I will require daily passive physical therapy (someone has to move my arm for me) every day for six weeks before I can even begin outpatient PT. As the doc was talking, the only thing that I could think about is “I am separated. Who the hell is going to do this?” (Last time my H did it). That is when I realized that over the years how isolated I have become over how I’ve allowed myself to be treated and how non-existant my local network of support is. In my younger, single days, I was always such a gregarious person with tons of people I could call upon. WTF happened? My H did call me that night to see how things went (although I downplayed some of it because I didn’t want him trying to get me to move back). But I think what the most hurtful part of all was that in the days following, I did not get one phone call or one text messaging asking how I was doing. Really? Yes, we are separated, but only 2 months at this point, and there have been no papers served. Simply a trial separation while 1) I try to heal myself and 2) while he supposedly goes to counseling. So how do you know someone for 20 years, the whole “better or for worse” deal, and you can’t even manage to send a text message to see how I am? The only reason I got a call tonight was because he wanted to know if was well enough to drive to the bank tomorrow so we can cash our income tax refund because he’s going out of town early on Tues to go on fishing trip with his buddies for 6 days.
I don’t even know why I am writing all of this other than to say perhaps the lesson in all of this to the rest of you is to make sure you make sure you maintain those support networks. On this board, we all talk about “taking care of ourselves” and “focusing on us” – I guess that includes making sure we work on developing those other relationships. Mine so slowly dissolved in such an insidious manner and it was a terrifying place to be when I discovered it. I have cobbled a few people I know who have agreed to help me with my passive, home-based physical therapy. Hopefully they pull through for me. And perhaps the other outcome of all this is that he is really revealing his true colors whether he realizes it or not. But if you were to ask him, he was “trying harder” and doesn’t understand how I can’t see that he was, blah blah blah, ad nauseum. I can tell you he certainly isn’t helping his case.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Hopefully this makes some semblance of sense since I am still on meds. It has just been a very difficult week for me both physically, mentally and emotionally.
Good morning all. Hope you survived the weekend. Rhonda, I’m so sorry you were having a rough time – I have been there and I’m a year out. I know how you feel. My husband has been trying — really trying — planning things, walking the talk — but you know what? It’s not his actions that are really making me happy or unhappy — it’s more MY thoughts about what happened. Quite frankly, while I have stayed – my feelings are just different. I’m not minimizing the need for them to make it right — because they absolutely have to repair the damage they have caused — but I have realized more on my own, that HE (and no man or any other person for that matter) – -should ever have that much power over my feelings. Maybe that was my lesson. It’s sad — but I don’t even have the feelings to make the heavy effort to make things nice, get him thoughtful gifts, etc. I don’t even care about our wedding anniversary — and didn’t even get him a card on Valentine’s Day this year (out of protest — since he had 2 Valentines last year) — so I still harbor some negative feelings. They are more disappointment I guess. And I don’t want to be fake. My head over heels feelings about my husband are now gone. I love him — but just differently. He is not my be-all end all. I got burned when I felt that….so my head tells me not to go there anymore. And that stinks. I have done the nice dinners/try to me more romantic at home — but sometimes he just goes back to his falling asleep on the couch after dinner, etc. It takes the wind out of your sails. I’d like to hear from the really happily married — how do you “work at it”? I think it’s hard. For my H — when the going would get tough — he would get going. They escape with OW — and don’t deal with things head on. Women do – -and we have the support network to do it. Ladygator — your insights are truly right on. I hope your recovery from surgery goes quickly and that you can relax more. As you all say – I’m so MAD that these thoughts consume me. I must still be healing I guess. I just am afraid of the final outcome — that it’s just this apathetic feeling…… that is the worst……. no feeling. hugs to all — I’m going to put on some music to perk up a little!!!! I’m in charge of my feelings — not him. I want to feel alive again……
OK — so i have to clarify my feelings from above. I’m apathetic — and I think the term is more “indifferent” — yikes. Isn’t that the opposite of “love”? I really want to kick myself and get out of this funk. I am doing the work with him — but some days I’m faking it to make it. Anyone else feel like this????? Sorry for the rambling…..
Every other day I fake it to make it as well. It is a really sad way to live our lives.
Good morning ladies… I guess we all had an overwhelming week or wknd. We all can and will get through this, whether it be once again united with our H or on our own.
Rhonda it does pass. I know we wish for it to happen now but we must go through the struggle to appreciate a second chance and a new start/relationship with our H. I know it may seem at time we feel that the love is gone, the passion in bed is gone, the romance or spark is gone but… If he still in love with you and still in love with him ( no matter how you think you may feel due to pain and disappointment of the infidelity ) then it can work. Ladies if you truly truly! Still love your H then it will take time but you must put in a little effort in it as well. I know you at times dont want to because your mad and hurt but you must forgive in order to move on. I know you might have taken him or not but you must forgive him. You must get past the images and focus on you and rebuilding the relationship. It is a hard task to accomplish! It has been hard for me too. But my H and I agree we still love each other like the day we got married. Therefore we will give it all we got and everything we didnt in the 7 yrs together. All this occur though because I am at a place where I want to truly forgive him and move on. It all was depended on me. As it is for you.
JB hope you get better and if all lived in the same town we would all be there for each other in times like these. I am so glad I met each and every one of you!!!! This will pass, I promise. It took a year and few months to actually forgive him but because I chose to stay and move forward in this marraige. The decision is yours
My apologies I meant Ladygator… I would have hope to be there to help and support for we all are in this together. Some are still the limbo of being emotional imbalance others are in the stage to pass the pain, and others are still deciding whether they continue in it knowing how they feel and if its still worth it. First come to a place where you are no longer controlled by your emotions and see that you are not weak for taking him back but very very strong. You are his wife and it is in your right to accept him back or not. Please do not be embarrased by the decision you made, once again its your marraige and if you decided to make it work, then its your choice alone. Once you have forgiven him by heart then you will decide if he or it is worthy. Once you forgive you will have and find peace for yourself.
I don’t know if it was personal torture or just a longing for the past, but I had a no sleep last night. In the midst of it I got out our wedding album, which I hadn’t looked at since before kids. I stared at those pictures for hours looking at the two happy people smiling in love in the pictures. All I could think was how I had lost that. Everything about that day is a lie to me. There is no happily ever after, there is no he’s the only one for me, there is no knight in shining armour. The second he chose to give his love to someone else, he broke everything that I believed in. I want that back. I want the feeling that the girl in the picture had. Where you are totally in love with someone and you put your whole faith and trust in them blindly and you can because you know they love you back and would never hurt you. We deserve that right? I mean there are men out there that treat their wives like that still isn’t there? I know this is all self-pity right now, but I just am not sure what I did to deserve this path that I am on. I must have been really horrible to someone in a past life to deserve this kind of treatment. Sorry ladies, a really bad night = a really bad day. I hate my life right now.
Rhonda, You poor thing you really arechaving a bad day but remember you are exhausted emotinally and you haven’t slept. I think a good nights sleep and a little time for yourself and things won’t seem so bleak. I hope your husband understands how much you need him to consider your feelings. Maybe if you feel comfortable with it and think he can handle it you can let him read some of your posts. When my husband read what I wrote but couldn’t say to him, he got it. Just a suggestion it may or may not be right for you. Heres a big cyber hug. Now go get some sleep!That is if those kiddies will let you, i know how hard thast can be. We are all here for you. Ladygator hope your feeling better soon for now use those pain meds and rest. If your hubby is stupid enough to go fishing this weekend I hope he falls in and doesn’t catch a thing besides a cold. Lol.
Well ladies……
I got some sleep last night after a 4 hour breakdown. He sat and listened to every heartbreaking word I had to say. All he could muster was how sorry he was and that he only wants to be with me and only thinks about me and is trying so hard to fix all of this and that he only hopes that I will continue to give him the opportunity to do so. It felt good to get the pain out again, like a cleansing I should say. I did feel better about it this morning, but as I sit here to post to you guys my thanks for your words, me heart feels heavy again and all I want to do is cry. I just want my heart to stop breaking, I truelly feel like I am back at that first week when I just found out. The pain of everything that happened during the time of his affair and the way he treated me is just to painfull to handle. The worst part about it is that I stayed with him when I could tell that he didn’t even like me, he couldn’t even stand to be around me, I stayed and fought alone everyday and raised our kids everyday. To that he says that I need to remember that he doesn’t feel like that now, yeah but that was for 2 straight years he treated me like that and now that I know he was actually in love with someone else during that time, it makes it even more painfull to bear. Like I said this whole last week has been nothing but a pity party and my heart just breaks and I just want to cry every second of the day. My kids can see it and that kills me as well. My 4 year old asked me why I seemed so tired and sad all the time lately and my poor 3 year old has been acting out like crazy because of it. My six year old who is generally outgoing has crawled into a shell and my 9 year old, well, he notices, but he won’t ask because he is an old soul and honestly I think he can understand all of it. He does give me hugs about 100 times a day and I think that is his way of calmimg me. Thanks ladies for listening, I thank God every day that I found this site. Only you all can understand and I wish I could be as much help to you all as you are to me. I just hope these clouds clear from my heart, my mind, and my life here pretty soon, because honestly I don’t think I can take much more.
Rhionda, I’m glad you got some sleep and were able to cleanse yourself of some of the negative thoughts you have been holding onto. I have to ask did your husband say that he was in love with this OW or is that what you are assuming I don’t recall your first post. Remember your husband is with you not her and any love he may have felt even though it may have seemed real was based on fantasy. I know my husband had begun to treat me poorly also but I don’t believe it had to do with him not liking me but came from a place of guilt. They need to justify their behavior and it is easier if they convince themselves that they are angry with us or that we have been hurtful and unfair to them. Your husband never shared the birht of his children with her or the death of a loved one with her. She never took care of him when he was ill or injured all she ever gave him were empty compliments that cost her nothing. Only you gave him real love and loyalty backed him in his endeavors. You my dear are his TRUE love she was a fake. I too am hurt beyond words when I think of the sweet pet names my husband had for the OW but they were also meaningless because she never truly gave him anything of value. Our job now is to find our way back to love and possibly a new and better relationship with our spouces or if we decide we can’t do that to find the best way to move on with as little damage to our precious children. Try to believe your husband when he says you are all he wants but don’t let him off the hook. He must back it up with his actions. Tell him again that him coaching her daughter is too much for you and that you need him to figure out a way to fix the situation. Let him know that you want to support him in his coaching but he is asking more of you than you can give even thogu you wish you could. I really think he does love you or he wouldn’t be as honest about answering your questions. Good luck and have a great rest of the day.
Rhonda-
Gimlet couldn’t have said it any better!!!! She is correct. It was all a part of his LA LA land created by him. Those hurtful words and actions came from him not wanting to take responsibility of his wrong decisions after getting caught and face the damage he had done to you or the family. She doesn’t mean anything. I spoke with both my H and the OW and they hate each other and hate what happened between them. She sees him now like the guy that lied to her to get her to sleep with him. He sees her as a slut who opens her legs to everyone. LOL I laugh when I hear them both but it just shows me that she was nothing. He wouldn’t be here just like he wouldn’t be there trying. He could be ignoring you and trying to win her love but he’s not. Like Gimlet said you are the love of his life, the mother of his children, and the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
I know its hard! and wish I was there to hug you and let you cry and cry and cry until the pain is no more for you. It all takes time… I have forgiven completely but still going through stages of healing. I am now at he stage where I don’t feel the passion in our sex life. He does completely and tells me he wants no one else but I don’t feel the same. I expressed my feelings to him and he now ask everyday what can he do? I get sad because I don’t know what to do to get my feeling of feeling passion with him in our sex life. First time this ever happened. Last time I felt like this was with an ex and I broke up with him, but can’t do that with him. I will read and read and figure what can I do to get that feeling back.
But Gimlet your awesome. That was to the point and correct.
Gimlet and Melissa B,
Thank you ladies so much for responding.
Gimlet – He did tell me that he thought he was in love her, during the time of their affair. He did also say at one time he had told her no more, that he realized it was ruining his life and hers. But, like all stupid men, he couldn’t stay away and they kept going back and forth with e-mail and phone calls until I found out. He has not spoken a word to her in any form since December when I found out. Even thought he sees her and her husband at the games, they have had no contact. Now she has texted me a few times and sent a few mean messages to me, but I have not responded to her in the least. He tells me he has no feelings for her now what- so- ever. This whole things just rocks your world so much that you can’t figure what is up or down let alone truth or lies.
I know you ladies are right in what you are telling me. I know that my H is sooooo terribly sorry, I can see it in his eyes when he sees my pain and sadness. I just have trouble getting to that confident spot some days. If only we all lived closer together then we could have support here with us, all though I have to say you guys are such a life saver I will be thankfull to this site every day of my life.
Thanks again you two for your responses I don’t know what I would do without your words of wisdom.
I’ve been reading the posts on here since I found out about the OW. I found all the elicit emails from the last year. Amazingly I was realitively calm, at least in front him. I asked him what he wanted and he didn’t even think about it….he told me we have to get a divorce. For the last 2 months I have tried to keep my emotions intact. I realize that the only thing I have control of is how I handle all of this, but right now it’s not going so well. I have told him that I don’t want a divorce and suggested counseling, but he won’t have any of it. We are still living in the same house trying to get our finances in order and he is still seeing the OW. I’ve asked him to stop seeing her while we are going through all of this because it is too diffcult. He says that I’m being ridiculous and how dare I put restrictions on him. I kept hoping that he would do the respectful thing and either stop seeing her or move out. Two weeks ago I caught the two of them together and flipped out. I finally realized that he really is done….it doesn’t matter how I act or what I say. I started seeing a counselor last week and she told me that I am allowing his behaviour. That I need to kick him out if he won’t do what I ask. Last night I finally had it out with him. I gave him 2 choices….cut off all contact with her or leave. He did exactly what I expected….turned it all around on me. I don’t want this to be a long nasty divorce. I just want him to see how hard this is for me….it was so hard to tell him to leave. Deep down I don’t want him to leave, but I can’t keep torturing myself. Why can’t he see that? He says that he feels guilty about what he did….how her life has been turned upside down and has nobody to talk to (she is married with kids as well)….he feels like he has to be there for her. What about me? All I’m asking is that he stop throwing it in my face….if he wants to continue his relationship with her then do it elsewhere. He gets so defensive and agry at me when I talk about it. I’m just rambling now….
Even CNN understands the stupdity of men
http://www.cnn.com/2012/04/23/opinion/ghitis-men-stupid/index.html
Rhonda, I’m confused too and go back and forth from hopeful to miserable but am determined to come out of it one way or another with no regrets. You ladies and Jewels have been my saviors, my keepers of sanity. Thanks! Leslie, Welcome. So sorry you are going through this and what a tool your husband is. Thinking of what he has done to her world.Ha! Let him go let him see how strong and beautiful you are and what a fool he has been. If you read through this site you will see many common threads including how delusional our spouces are regarding their so called relationships with these OW. I think your husband will also come to realize what a fool he has been. I have to say I hope you move on to someone better he doesn’t deserve you for treating you this way. In the mean time focus on yourself do things that make you feel good about yourself it really helps. I know that is easier said than done but you can do it. Please read Jewels free E book it helped me at my worst time and I’m sure it can help you too. Remember we are all here for eachother and now that includes you too.Best of luck to you.
Ladygator, That was priceless. Have they always been this dumb or are we just able to bust them more easily because of technology? Hope your feeling better and that your hubby has reconsidered his fishing trip. Thanks for the laugh you are awesome.
Hi Gimlet, glad I could make you laugh. I thought it was funny, too. I think they have always been this dumb, we were always smart and it’s just that we’re finally learning to trust our instincts, instead of listening to people tell us we are hysterical, paranoid, and it’s all in our head. And alas, he is off fishing and to add insult to injury, the day before he left, when we were at the bank cashing our income tax refund check, which we normally split 50/50, he haggled over $55 dollars that he felt he should get. Mind you, he makes twice as much money as I do, doesn’t have to pay for gas (employer pays for it all, including use of company vehicle for personal reasons; employer also pays for his uniforms) yet I pay as much as he does in household bills and I am the one who does all our taxes, both personal and for our side business (as well as bookeeping throughout the year) and have done so for 18 years all while I work a full time job. He is in for a rude awakening when I drop all that shit in his lap and say “good luck – and don’t get us audited.” Assuming we even are still married this time next year and at the rate he is going, it’s not looking too rosy. Hope that $55 dollars and his other petty, repeated, discrepectful, lying, cheating behavior is worth the 50% of his very large retirement that I stand to get. If that happens, I don’t see too many more fishing trips his retirement. CNN is right – they really are that stupid. And as far as women getting smarter? They have awakened sleeping giants and we are only getting started…… (PS, I am feeling better though – thank God for meds. Better living through chemistry I say).
Leslie
I am sorry to hear about your situation. I couldn’t imagine if my H was still seeing the OW after I found out. Are you talking to him calmly about the situation? I know that sounds like a stupid question, but you have to treat them like babies and if you are in the least bit angry or blaming in the discussion, he will just get mad and close down. If you talk to him calmly about how he feels about you and her, then maybe you will get the answers you need to go forth with him or without him. One of the ladies gave me that advice and it really worked. I was able to get him to open up about everything and find the answers that I really needed. I wish you the best of luck in this journey, it is a long and terrible one, but I am glad you found this site. All of the ladies here have the best advice on this, it’s sad, but we all understand. Good luck and hugs to you.
Leslie
I am glad that you found this site, but sorry as well because that means there is another dumb man out there. I can’t imagine dealing with your H if he is still in the middle of his affair. Have you tried talking to him calmly and with no blame. I know that may sound just ridiculous, but one of the ladies gave me that advice. I tried it and it worked. When I approached my H that way he opened up and we were able to actually talk things through. Maybe you need to approach him this way on how he feels about you and about her. Then maybe you can get the answers you need to stay or not. I just know that you can’t continue the back and forth with him and the OW. You are going to have to put your foot down at some point because it is not fair to you. I wish you the best in this journey, it is the hardest thing we will ever be dealt I believe, just know we are here and we all understand. Hugs to you.
HEllo ladies -
Ladygator, wow! lol just because they not are just stupid but look really stupid. They look like little boys that only have seen breasts and vag one time in their life and need to look,touch, handle more … seems pathetic. YEs! with technology it makes it so much MUCH easier to find out exactly what they are doing,talking, etc. But in the end after you have put your foot down and you are at a level of ” I have had enough” you dont even care anymore what the hell they are doing, in that moment they beg for our forgiveness. Funny right.
Also H dont really realize how good they have it or what they have. They risk it all and come back crying with an OMG face and expect for us to forgive and forget just like that. Im sorry stupid but it does not work that way. We all need time to adjust and understand that in this process it takes to heal from destruction which you come out victorious why?! because you get to find yourself again. The person you need to console,look out for, love and cherish… which is YOU. After you have your emotions in check and in control you will see every situation,trigger, emotion, etc very different.
We are very strong ladies, please do not forget that.
Leslie-
I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. By what I read, you are trying everything in a calm manner to make him see and understand your pain. But the truth is he will not at this time. He is in a selfish mode therefore will not take responsibility for his wrong decisions he did or continue to do. I know you don’t want him to leave, you want him to stop with the OW, you want him to feel every bit of pain you feel, but right now you need to let him go. You need to get yourself together. As long as you show your emotional rollercoaster to him, he will consider it as annoying. Be strong! show you are not weak ( even though you still love him) and do not need this from him or her. Show can do great with out him. He WILL find out that this is all a huge stupid decision is making. You cannot make him see, He needs to see on his own. Do not ask him for anything. Show your value and show your place! He needs to leave and you need to kick him out. You need to show your are more than a foot stool. Do not allow him to walk all over you. If you do he will walk all over your feelings and wont be able to value the pain he caused. If you do want to make him see, then pack his belongings and kick him out and show him a life without you, the home together, your love, everything. He will find out what he lost. They all always do. Please cheer up and if you need to cry,yell, have a rage moment do it on your own. Do let him see this, right now is his mode he probably will consider it crazy and a pest. Dont worry he wont see it like that for long.
I know we all have been through soooo much and def need a break other than reality tv. I would wish we all get together and pick a beach location and rent a home and have the time of our lives as beautiful, strong, sexy, and powerful women/mothers we are! JUst a thought…
Hugs to all of you.
Hello Ladies-
Ladygator that was a highlight, LOL. Yes they are stupid but us women knew that along time ago only this time its like Gimlet said Technology makes it sooo much easier to find out about the affair in any kind of way. Stupid men your SOL.
Rhonda it made seem tough on some days and perfect in others but within time all will be healed. Especially YOU and heart. Baby Steps are necessary and lots of communication of how you feel on a daily basis. IT will pass, hugs.
Leslie I am soooo sorry you found out. It is always sad to see a new girl here for we know what has happened and how you must feel. In the other hand we are glad you came here to find advise and seek comfort. We all are still going the process of healing or going through it. We also like to say THANK YOU to JEWELS for this site. You have no idea how much it has helped me and many other women.
I can read you are trying to make him understand your feelings and make him see your and suffering but he is being selfish and has been. As long he is being this way dont expect him to feel empathy for you or your feelings. He only feels on how he feels which is wrong because he is going about it the wrong way on handling the situation in your marraige. You need to put your foot down and know your place and let him know this behavior will not be allowed. If you allow him to continue to live with you and still see the OW, in his perspective his having the cake and eating it too. Selfish!! Please I know its hard but you need to separate so you can find peace within yourself and until he decides to longer have any contact with this OW. In order for it to work, he needs to put his efforts on making it work by having no contact with her, stop lying, open access to passwords, loyalty, and to be transparent. You need to pack his belongings or yours and tell him to leave for you will not be his foot stool. I know you probably fear you might lose him for good but I don’t think that will happen. He is clouded by this fantasy and knows the disaster he has done and cannot take responsibility, hence for why he won’t answer your questions. If he really wanted a divorce then he would have gotten the divorce papers himself but instead is demanding it from you. He is lost but he needs to find and figure out the damage he has done out on his own. Separate but dont get divorce. He will know what he lost when he doesn’t have you anymore, a home with you or your love.
ladygator, thanks for the article. Men really are stupid. I’ve been hearing this since high school. Looks like things haven’t changed. If only I could cry and move on to the next guy as easily as I did back then…
Rhonda, not sure why you have not responded to the OW texts. I would just love for the OW to say a few words to me right now. I would love to have a chat with her and give her a piece of my foot (or mind). She was sleeping with my husband through 2 of my pregnancies. She even helped throw a baby shower for 1 of them. The nerve! I am so furious sometimes I feel like I could explode. I’ve only talked to her husband and he is just as devastated as I am. He is also just a confused as I am. Not knowing whether to stay or go. But my H is apologetic and wants to try to rebuild our relationship. The OW’s husband says that she is trying to do the same. Somehow I just don’t feel like that will ever be enough.
O.K. I have tried to post that last few days and they don’t seem to come up. I wanted to say I’m sorry for Leslie and her story and more if I can get this to work, let’s try……
Rhonda, just got your email notification and am posting this to see if it comes up.
Gimlet
It came up on my e-mail, but it did not come up on the site. I am not sure what is going on. So….I know I tried to post here twice yesterday, but they never showed up. Neither did the last one you posted to me, but I got it in the e-mail.
Rhonda, I’m sure Jewels will get it straightened out when she gets a chance in the mean time I guess all those subscribed to the thread will get your posts via email. I feel bad though I deleted all the posts in my email thinking I could respond later on the site. Next time I’ll save everything until I’m done. Maybe we should make a folder for them to help keep track of them without filling our inbox . By the way I have been able to post on other threads so it would seem the problem is confined to this one only. hope you are having a good day.
Gimlet
Thanks for responding, it’s always good to know someone is there and listening. I appreciate your help and my day isn’t to bad, I guess I just feel stagnate today, weird word but I just feel blah, I have been feeling like this alot lately. Thanks again.
Rhonda, Back up and running, actually Jewels said when you get to 800 posts you need to click on the next page but she set it so we can get there atomaically. Just lets all tuck that away for future reference. I know the thought of not being able to talk to you girls would make me lose it right now.
Rhonda-
I have seen all your posts as well as yours Gimlet. Hope everyone has been reading each other posts. YOu are correct, going crazy if we didnt have each other too talk too. Hope everyone is having an OK day today. Smiles..
O.K. ladies, here goes my night. I am extremely angry for the first time. I mean have gotten angry about his whole situation, but I have never taken it out on him since I found out five months ago. Tonight my son and daughter both had games. My H also had his high school game so he missed their games again. He called me at 6:30 told me he had just finished their game and he didn’t think he was going to make it. His school that he teaches and coaches at is an hour from our home, miserable I know, but he has tried to find schools closer through the years and of course politics always wins. Anyways, I called him when my daughters game was done at 7:40 and told him I was on my way to the end of my son’s game. He said he had just left the school. I was furious. I the kids home and showered and at 8:49 he got home. He was quiet, but asked the kids how their games went as I was telling them time for bed. I didn’t say a word to him and he asked me what was wrong. I said I was trying to figure out how he called at 6:30 when game was over and why he didn’t get home until he did. He said really nasty, I told you where I was and I didn’t get into the school until 7:10 and called in the scores and blah blah blah. I just told him to give me his clothes so I could wash them for tomorrow’s game. He did, I left the room, when he came downstairs I told him I didn’t appreciate him talking to me that way, that my reaction is normal considering circumstances and he told me that from now on he won’t call me when game is done so that I don’t keep time on him. I lost my marbles. I couldn’t believe he had the nerve to be so nasty to me. I didn’t do this to me, he did, he is the one who made me crazy. After about an hour of fuming I came upstairs and tried to talk to him about that. He didn’t say one thing except for I have been trying everything, but I guess it isn’t good enough. I wanted to throw up. How hard does he think it is for me to know that he is 30 ft. from this woman every time he coaches a game. How hard is it for me to deal with his indiscrections. How hard is it for me to deal with all of this and not get angry. So now, I am angry. Again, I am on a sleepless night and he is downstairs after not saying a word to me, sleeping like a baby. My guess is he will send me a half ass apology e-mail tomorrow, not to my face about like this. Sorry about last night. Miss you and love you bunches. That should be enough right? Right now I feel like he needs to beg on his knees. He has apologized left and right, he has said the right things up until this crap tonight. This may seem little and petty I know, but am I crazy or am I just hitting a different stage of my grief? I just know one thing, I don’t want to be here right now. I don’t want to put any more effort on someone who was so cruel to me and my family. (my kids) I put up with the ignoring me and telling me he was trying hard for 8 years and him totally ignoring me for the 2 he was in this affair. I just don’t have it in me right now to work at this. I feel sick. Why is this all hitting me so hard with anger right now? Does anyone have any answers, I feel lost and on the edge and I just don’t know if this is just a phase or if this is me finally putting my foot down. What do I do?
Sorry for the length, it’s really late again and I am probably going to be up all night over this crap, that is what it is a bunch of crap. It is just not fair, boy did that sound like a spoiled brat remark, but it isn’t. It isn’t fair that you can love someone so much and hate them at the same time. That your heart can ache so much caused by the one and only person you want to only feel love from. This sucks!!!!
Rhonda , I wish I had some brilliant insight for you but I’m only a few months into this and seem to go back and forth, up and down with my thoughts and emotions too. Maybe you just bypassed the anger part and need to get it out but I really don’t think you’re being unreasonable and your husband will have to suck it up and deal just like you doubtless have many times for him. Do try to keep communicating though and try to be in a relatively calm place when you want to get a point across to him as it is very hard for anyone to really listen in a storm. If you need to vent we are here for that and welcome you to do it. Hope you have a good day today.
Rhonda,
I’m 2 years from finding out & it has been quite the roller-coaster ride! And don’t go by anyone else on how long things may take you to get through or deal with, everyone is different & goes at their own pace. I used to look at other people I heard of going through this & think “what is my problem, why is this taking me so long? What is wrong with me?!” But, then I had to realize, it’s all in YOUR own time…
Like I said, 2 years… & I am just now getting to the point where I feel like the good days are outweighing the bad, where I can actually feel happiness again. It was a long, hard road, but I made it through! Wiser & definitely stronger because of it. I stayed. And from some of the posts I read, my husband is actually one of the few who has done everything since that point to make things right. It hasn’t been easy & believe me, he has gone through his own piece of torture because of it, at my hand. But you know what? He should! If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime! When we first decided to work things out, it was almost like a honeymoon period. We didn’t talk about things, we just spent time together & enjoyed our time together. Had the most amazing sex that we had in years! But then after about 3 months, reality of the situation & hurt set in. I started acknowledging my hurt & wanting to talk about it- ALOT! Then over the next year & a half, went through more ups & downs- some days felt great, others felt awful. Some days I would find myself loving him more than anything & grateful we survived, then other days I wanted to punch him in the face & kick him out! The roller-coaster of emotions- hatred/love/sadness/anger… they flooded constantly. Some days I felt crazy! Some days I wondered if it was worth it- “could I really live like this”?? But, I decided to stay, I loved my husband. What happened was a result of circumstance, not because of who this other person was. We were at a low point in our marriage, both of us questioning what we wanted. He was wrong for turning outside to try to find comfort, which he knows, but it had nothing to do with HER. It was all about how he felt, having his ego stroked for a while, feeling attractive & wanted again. It was hard to go through, but it shows I am actually stronger by staying & working through it, not stupid as I sort of felt along the way. Don’t be too hard on yourself. The up & down emotions are to be expected. I can tell you from my own experience, time actually does help. Like I said, I am just now feeling like I can feel real happiness again. I am just now feeling hopeful again, feeling excited for the future. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel, go through every emotion, don’t fight it. Then, after you’ve given yourself some time, make whatever decision you want to make- FOR YOU. (& your kids). It’s still really fresh for you… give it some time, which was super hard for me because I am very impatient! But, you can’t rush it- let yourself HEAL <3
Hi Rhonda — I feel your pain — I have been there so often. My H worked with his OW — so he went to work everyday and saw her. They used to go to lunch, coffee — she would make him things and take food into him. It’s sickening and hard to think about when they are still around each other. I was thinking this morning about the humiliation of all of this. My H made a fool of me. That is what I can’t seem to get over. We’re to forgive them for making us feel like crap. Seriously? That’s what I wonder about all the time — it’s the lack of respect and true feeling. So I wonder if my anger is really directed at myself for staying and knowing he’s capable of that? I’ve seen this post here before – “the one who loves the least controls the relationship” – it’s soooo true. And I feel out of control. It shouldn’t be this stressful, right? But he’s really trying. It’s been a year, so for me I rarely bring it up anymore — I can’t handle the pain for my body. But I do occasionally re-read the emails (he was having inappropriate friendships with other women at the same time) — really going through a horrible time in our marriage — due to work and family stress. They can’t handle it and go outside. Sometimes they are bored. I’m sorry you are having such a rough time — this will pass — you will get mad at yourself for letting these people make you feel like this and hopefully you will snap. Put on some fun music — get out of the house. I am joining a gym this week — or going to volunteer somewhere — I need to feel good about myself. I probably will never trust his comments about me ever again — and while I have stayed — I’m still not sure I won’t leave down the road. And I say this coming from a position of strength — that I might want and deserve more. Ugh == hugs to you today — thank you all for listening and letting me vent — this is my salvation. Thanks, Jewels.
Jennifer, THANK YOU so much for that post. I am still in early stages and also had a bit of a honeymoon period (I think as a result of us finally having some real conversation for the first time in years). Now the bloom seems to be fading and I have begun to question our direction. Reading about your experience has left me a little sad that I may have to go so much longer feeling this way but also hopeful that this is a phase that I can pass through. So again thanks for sharing and good luck and best wishes to you and your husband.
Please… don’t go by me.I, unfortunately, did alot of self-sabotage over the past 2 years, which only prolonged my pain. I did alot of stalking of this OW on FB, she lives right around the corner from us & I did alot of drive-bys, as well, just to try to catch a glimpse of her. I have some regret in not confronting her back then or telling her husband, which I have many opportunities to. But, I decided to take the “high road”. I did what I felt was right at the time. It’s just hard for me to accept that because that is not my normal reaction, I would normally be “in your face” if someone did me dirty! So, I’ve had the additional doubt of how I handled it. But, you can’t change the past. It would have felt SO good confronting her & telling her husband, but in the end, I’ve realized I reacted with dignity & class, which is everything this OW obviously is not. It’s just taken me a long time to accept that of myself, which is why the stupid stalking happened. It was one thing I could control, made me feel a little empowered at the time. In then end, however, just made it that much harder to work through my own pain. I was so busy trying to find out what SHE was doing all the time, I neglected my own heart. And for what? For the ridiculous hope that I could accidentally/ on purpose bump in to her? I had to get over the “detective” part of me, the part that found out about the affair in the first place. It was hard to get past, though, I was always looking for something else, even when things weren’t there. My preoccupation with the OW only made me paranoid. So, please, don’t go by my timeframe… I didn’t do anything to help myself in the early stages. It’s so true when Jewels, Melissa & everyone else who posts their wisdom on here stresses about “taking care of YOU”. I was so afraid of being made to look a fool/ feel like a fool again, I did everything, spent every minute, trying to “find stuff out”… I forgot about how I was FEELING. It probably wouldn’t have taken me so long, caused so much self-doubt, if I hadn’t did so much self-sabotage during those early days… easy to say now that I am looking back. Not so easy when you’re in the “thick of it”!
Just take care of YOU- do what makes YOU feel good- do what makes YOU feel confident- & keep sharing with people who understand first-hand… this site probably would’ve made a world of difference to my recovery if I had found it back then, but I can tell you even 2 years in, it still provides support & comfort & has probably helped get me to where I (finally!) am over the past few months I’ve been reading the posts…
I hope everyone has a GREAT weekend- focus on YOU!!!!! Even if it’s a cozy bubblebath & a nice glass of wine!!!
Rhonda-
Please do not think that this is too much. Your feelings are normal and you will have them every now and then but you already have matured emotionally and you dont see it. I know this outburst might look like a set back but its not. Think outside the box and see that you are making it known now your place in the relationship. Yes, the conversation shouldn’t have escalated but you are no longer allowing him to disregard your wants. It has to be respected. He understands how you feel and his remark only came from trying to defend himself from a heated argument. I too have been through this. We also had are spats but after a few minutes I approached him and explained to him that this is only the result of his decisions that consisted of lies and unfaithfulness and I was not going to allow him to walk all over me. He understood where I was coming from and apologized.
Point is please don’t lose hope. If he loves you and you love him, it will work it takes time and like Jennifer said more than others but it takes time. The fact that hes trying to look for other places to teach/coach should say and show that he wants you and this. See the good hes doing. I know its hard. Keep your head up and smile.
Ella-
It may seem like your the idiot and how stupid can you be for not noticing in time but the decision to go outside the marraige was not your doing but his. You should not feel like an idiot instead feel strong that you made a choice to take your H back regardless what anyone thinks. You love him and he is part of your family that you and him created. You are not a fool, he was a fool for making a poor decision that almost ruined it all. Please dont see it like that (We’re to forgive them for making us feel like crap. Seriously?) See it more like we are forgiving them for making themselves feel like crap. They did this to themselves. We just happen to be there in there moment of weakness. Dont lose hope as well. Everyone will go through a different stage in this process whether it be 1 yr, 2 yr or more but the outcome is so divine. You will have your H back and better than before because this time he knows what NOT to do. MUch loves ladies
Mellisa, Ella, Jennifer, Gimlet
Thanks you so much for your reponses. My day is not going good today, first of all I am exhausted, did not sleep. I can’t concentrate on anything today and the truth is I am so worried about when he will contact me today or if he is going to contact her because I got mad, that I am making myself sick. All of your guys’s words of wisdom are so true, I know these things in my head, but I just can’t get my head and heart to catch up these days. Mellissa is so right when she says it is not about the OW, it was a bad place in our marraige at the time and it was his terrible wrong decision on how to deal with it. Jenniffer, you sound alot like me in the fact that I spent countless hours of the day checking his e-mails and phone records that I am losing track of my sanity. Just like you said I know it is a hinderance my recovery. I am so worried about being hurt again and looking like a fool that I am trying to find something to make sure that doesn’t happen. The question is how do you get yourself to stop doing that and just trust again. I don’t know if I can. Ella, you sound like I feel right now just angry and with so many questions going through me. Gimlet, I am sorry that both of us are at the beginning of the horrible journey. I so want to see the end, but right now cannot see the pain past the nose on my face. So far he hasn’t e-mailed me today at all, knowing that I spent most of the night awake and upset. He called me this morning, with no apologies, just pretended like last night never happened. That s part of the reason why I feel sick today. Right now I don’t want to go home. Even though I know he won’t be home until late, another game, more torture, I don’t want to see him right now. The sight of him makes my heart hurt and thinking of him makes it hurt to. Sorry ladies I wish I could be filled with wisdom and good words to lift you all up as you do me, I just can’t muster the strength to even smile at my kids today, (that destroys me too). He is backing out just like he did in the rest of our marraige right now and I guess I all ready have my guard up and this time I want my guns blazing. I don’t want to feel like he is walking all over me and taking advantage of my fragile state. His ignoring the situation sets off all kinds of triggers that I feel like I am in a whirlwind today. You know last night I said I should be happy with a half-assed sorry e-mail, I guess I jinxed myself because he isn’t even trying for that today. I am sorry, I wish I sounded better.
I do just want to make sure you girls know how much I appreciate you. Without this outlet of emotions I would be completely insane, as noone knows about this and the only people that would understand anyways are you guys. Much love to all of you. I hope you all have a much better weekend than mine is starting out to be. Thanks all…
Rhonda, I know when I don’t get sleep it all seems so much worse and I think your husband is unsure of what to say or do and is avoiding making a mistake. Let him know that you’ve had a backslide and can’t keep things straight and ask him to help you. If he says he doesn’t know what to do tell him that just SHOWING you that you are all he wants and that he wants to help you will go a long way.Remind him that actions speak louder than words and right now in your vulnerable state you need lots of actions. Tell him you are trying your best to get beyond this and you appreciate it when he helps you get there. I don’t know what I need right now to feel better but each time my husband goes out of his way for me in any way it reassures me that he loves me and I feel better about working things out with him. PLEASE get some sleep tonight and I promise the sun will come up tomorrow.
RHonda-
My dear if I was there I would hug like crazy and say what we would want to hear in that time of our lives ” Everything is going to be alright “…
I know the first couple of months are just terrible and you are left with at the end of night crying from the questions, your emotions, his reactions, silence, etc. nothing is ever pleasing at that time.
He is just as upset as you are, you just don’t ask and communicate. After you have past the stage where everything is out and discovered to the stage of asking why this and why that to now where you find yourself looking through all this unnecessary information just to justify whether taking him back was the right choice. Let me say this You taking him was correct. You have the right as a wife and the other half of this relationship to make this work and give a try and not to look back and say I didn’t give it all I got. If he hasn’t contacted you yet then its for a reason. Communication will get you far right now. You don’t ask because of your hurt and he doesn’t want to talk maybe because he’s upset and doesn’t want to make it worst then it already is. It takes the two of you to make this relationship work. Think about like this. He probably is upset that you are not able to see that he is trying and he cant find a way to ask you to see because anything he would say right now may cause a trigger which causes an arguement. Both must be able to express each other feelings without holding onto the past, as least right now. He doesn’t want to piss you off and you don’t want to be pissed off but none are talking. Don’t let this interfere with your day. i know its hard to believe but its all part of healing. Communication, letting go, understanding… it takes the both of you. I know its harder on you because you have been betrayed and lied to, but that is why I say you must focus on you. Find ways to help you let go,forgive, find peace, find love within yourself. Once you do you can truly move on and fogive him and both can unete the family once more. At times we say by mouth we took him back so we forgave them but if we still feel hurt and checking past information and getting mad for little things then No we haven’t forgiven them. The trust can be rebuild once communication starts and slowly learn not to get so mad over the little things. Focus on you and then you will see that these emotions wont have a toll on you.
Be happy or like my daughter’s favorite movie HAKUNAMATATA
Hi all its been awhile but im reading the posts. Its been a long road for myself and all posts i readvi feel the pain. My H is a cop, he cheated on me w a female coworker, he swears all is over and so we try to work on things, well i found an email that he initiated, and tho hers was a benign response it still upsets me that he is looking for her. Im hurt, not like initial shock but hurt like f u dumb man. Really how dumb do they think we are?
I cant let my guard down at all i always wanting to hack into his email acct to just check. He wont give me pwds. Huge red flag rt there i know. I did file for legal sep and granted alimony and child support since last july. He gets mad csuse of fact he cuts me a check twice a month and we are supposed to be working on it. Yet my response is, ok give me pwds and put me bk on bank acct w you took me off of, and he wont. So why should i take my protection away when has given me nothing ive asked bk?
I hate feeling this way, sometimes i cant stand him but of course love him, but so pissed off. Ive had alot of triggers lately and my ring i miss wearing it, but to put it on feels phony and makes me ill. Should i keep pursuing a mending marriage or when do u know its time to call it. It hurts to think of it but i have no trust in him. So sad…
Hi Kelli-
Hurts to know your upset and really have to deal with this. I don’t wish this upon no more women anymore.
Yes it is a huge flag that he has not tried to help this situation out and refuse to provide passwords. I see it as if you filed for separation and already have child support then He probably feels he doesn’t have to show you any information. Since you both are separated. But now is your time and take advantage of it. The more you push on to him the more he will think everything is your fault even his stupid decisions. I say focus on you. Hes a cop right then you need to be one as well and serve and protect yourself and your needs. Only you know you don’t need this type of behavior. Focus on you and figure out how you can make yourself happy once more. You did very well before you met him, find that again. He chooses to talk to this OW or any other OW so beat it. He will eventually realize WTF was I thinking. He needs to notice that on his own, they will too. If not then why waste any more time on a selfish man when you can get heart back and present it to someone as wonderful as you and will come home to you. Please cheer up and dont waste no more time looking through his BS. You already know what he did or what he is capable of so focus on you and get your emotions planted on two feet and move to positive thinking. A woman that can do very well without a man and you will see how well they notice that attitude from you.
Thank you Melissa B I so needed all that you said. A huge thanks and a huge hug. You just made me smile, and that is something on days like these.
Kelli, Sorry you’re hurting again and I know where you’re coming from my husband is a retired cop and it is a culture of cheating. I think something about the shift work really exaserpates it, especially the 3-11 or 4-12 shift. They get off work, you are likely to be sleeping and they aren’t ready to go home and sleep so they go out for drinks. Then come the cop groupies ( a phenomenon which I never understood) and a few drinks, some attention from said groupies some encouragement from their fellow officersand the next thing you know your marriage is destroyed. Sadly a lot of the female officers that I know personally have had affairs with several of their fellow officers. It makes me sad because I knew some of these ladies and considered the friends. None of them cheated with my husband (as far as I know) but they did engage in cheating and it was ugly and really made it hard for the female officers who didn’t engage in that behavior. I saw this over and over again over the years. I thought I had lucked out my husband retired with our marriage still intact but I was wrong . He started traveling more and morewith his new job and grew resentful of his new life while I continued my same old same old. The next thing I knew the man who used call me sounding lonely and miserable when he was away couldn’t be bothered with me. When he did call it would be in between his next meeting and as soon as his “group” would come into view he’d have to hang up. I still can’t believe he thought I wouldn’t notice these changes but I guess he just didn’t care at the time.He was too busy enjoying himself to give me a second thought. It hurt so much and still does. Anyhow back to you I think you need to give him the old my way or the highway,not in a mean vindictive way but in a strong I’ll be okay with or without you and don’t we deserve to be happy kind of way. Tell him you still love him but the pain is too much and you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your child or children. Wish him well but let him know you are ready to move on without him if he can’t prove that he is commited to doing everything needed to build the trust back up and that includes passwords too. Maybe there is something he needs from you that you can offer to work on too. Marriage is a two way street and we both need to do the work. But his past actions put the onus on him to do the heavy lifting and he needs to decide soon (you fill in the time frame here) Or you are starting your knew life on your own terms.Well hope that helps but it is just a suggestion only you know your husband and your heart and you have to do whatever will help you feel better. Good luck to you.
Hi ladies,
It’s funny to see how on the weekends we don’t really post because we are so busy trying to make things good with the couple of off days we have with our H’s. I wish I wasn’t posting today either. He is off for the next 4 hours for a district tournament draw meeting an hour and a half away. I asked him if he wanted all of us to go with him and he said yes and no. We aren’t going and again he is going by himself. I offered so he wouldn’t be so lonely on the trip out there and back and the kids and I could find something to do while he was in the meeting, but I guess maybe he won’t be that lonely on the way out there. I don’t know, I don’t care, I am so tired of worrying about where he is going and who will be there and if he is sneaking around and lying to me that I just want my life back. I am feeling myself pull away and just be plain angry all the time.
He had been acting funny to me all week and last night I asked him again for the 100th time what was bothering him. He finally told me that it was his last year coaching softball and he was really upset about it. See, I had told him that I didn’t really want him coaching next year because you all know the situation there with the OW and her daughter and husband. Anyways, I was really happy about him saying that, but then it turned into this big pity party for him about how he was so bothered by not coaching and he was going to quit becuase I told him I didn’t want him to do it. So now it turns into my fault that he is giving up coaching and this will just be another thing he can blame me for. Let’s not forget that he is coaching the very sport that his two kids are playing right now and he will have missed almost their whole seasons. He wants to produce good players then why doesn’t he want to be here and do that with his kids. He says he can do both and that he will be here for the end of their season, but that is just to little to late. He doesn’t see the nose past his face sometimes, and for once I wish he would look at the big picture of things instead of focusing on only himself and what he wants and how is effects his life. That is how we got in this mess in the first place and that is why I am so angry right now. In the beginning he was all about helping me and worrying about me and my feelings and helping with the kids and caring about our day too, but now it is back to him and all him and nothing else and that is a big red flag for me. I guess I got alot of thinking to do, but it will have to wait.
I hope you all are having a better weekend than mine. I hope your H’s are behaving and treating you all with love and respect. I pray all your hearts are healed this weekend and that you all have some peace right now. Thanks ladies for letting me vent.
Rhonda-
Yes we all try every wknd to make it work with our H but I feel bad you are still upset.
You mentioned in the beginning is was about you and I know and remember that feeling to too. During the relationship though they also want to feel that as well. We tend to undermine what they like to do because we think as the family person and the infidelity made it worse but it can get better. Even though your angry. You are seeing with anger and miss that fact he is leaving his fav thing for you and to make this relationship better. He is doing it for a good cause. He feels bad already so dont approach the decision with ” you dont need to leave and quit ” approach it as ” thank you, I know this is hard but I appreciate your decision ” . I know your still angry because you dont or can’t trust him yet. Give him some space, he has chosen to take. He probably chose to go alone because he feels bad and stopped his coaching and on top of that you started to mention the kids. He loves you, if he didnt he would have not made this big decision. Call him and ask.him how he feels, listen and then tell him how you feel without raising the voice to get the point or opinion heard. Try it. Please smile. Huge hug.
Rhonda,
When my children were young (ages 7, 9, 11) I met my husbands uncle Vaughn who flew to the US from Wales to visit his sister (my mother in law) in the hospital. We met him fo r the first time on the elevator in the hospital. He said these words to my husband and I and I will never forget them. I was about 35 and my husband 38. He said, “these are the best days of your life with your children but you don’t know that yet.” My children are now in their 30′s and I have to say that he was so right. I would do anything to be able to live these years over again, We were quite busy with school and sports but those days go by so fast and you end up looking back and wondering where did their youth go. You might want to tell you husand that he only has so many years to bond with his children. He shouldn’t miss this opportunity. It will never come again.
Melissa B
I wish I had heard your advice before I had the conversation with my husband. You were right I was mad and I told him that if it was going to make him that miserable and if you was going to blame it all on me then don’t quit. I never even thought of thanking him, but I should have. He was just making me feel so bad like it was all my fault when in reality even if he hadn’t had the affair, it is the best thing for the family anyways. He needs to start coaching our kids and not other people’s.
I felt awful about posting yesterday, because I know everyone tries so hard on the weekends to forget when our H’s are around. I am in just stuck in this place right now. I can’t seem to get out of it. I am angry one minute and devastated the next and then just completely numb. I looked at him again yesterday with all the triggers coming to me like him not looking at me, but the t.v. when he talks, and him not wanting to hold me, and him never initiatinng any contact always me, and the softness in his voice is gone that he used when talking to me these last couple of months. I am sure that is just going to be my life now, just like it was before the OW, but I don’t like it. I don’t like the way it makes me feel, and that is why I pulled away from my husband for all the years to protect myself. I don’t like being treated like a citizen in my house, when I am clearly so much more and deserve so much more. I think the worst definition of it would be a roomate. I don’t feel like his best friend, I feel like a roomate with benefits and that is how I felt for all those years before I found out about the OW.
Joan
I know you are right about the kids and our lives right now. I am 36 and my H is 38 and we hear that all the time right now as well. My kids are at a great age, 9 6, 4, and 3 and everywhere I take them people always say I know it is hard, but enjoy it while it lasts. It is funny, I am so caught up in the busyness of our lives that I don’t have time to enjoy them. Life is so backwards. My H never had a father and therefore doesn’t understand the meaning of the word. He tries when he wants to, but if he doesn’t feel like it then poop on everyone around. He has never understood that it is a full-time job, because he has always found a reason to never be home or never help me. There is nothing I can say to him for him to get it. You would think he would want the opposite that he had for his kids, but it isn’t working that way and that is because his mother is a loser as well and she has no emotional attachment to any of her children either. So I see alot of her in both my H and his brother in how they completely check out from people emotionally, that is what their mother has always done to them.
Anyways, sorry again for the rambling. I guess when you are lost you run in circles and it makes me feel like I am getting somewhere, but really I am still lost and just running in circles. I guess my writing is my running in circles. Thank god for this site and you guys. Hope you all have a great day.
Rhonda, Once again your words could have been mine. Looking back at things I too had pulled away from my husband. I was tired and frustrated having 5 boys and him working always worrying about money and security. The funny thing is I don’t remember exactly when it started or what he may have done but I was angry,hurt and also felt I needed to protect my heart. Maybe I thought he could read my mind and would miss my attention and magically become my prince charming again. I don’t know but I do know it doesn’t matter who did what first or who was right or wrong. I have to let go of that I have to recognize that he felt hurt too. We found ourselves living together but seperated by some invisible wall and I don’t think either of us knew that wall was forming until it was there and we just didn’t know or were too stubborn to tear it down. What we are doing now is making time each day to be together I touch my husband every day sometimes in the morning when I wake up or at night we go to bed together so we can cuddle a bit. I used to avoid going upstairs at night or touching him because I was avoiding sex. I thought I didn’t want intimacy with him but it turns out I just needed to really feel wanted and not used. Once my husband opened up and told me the truth and showed me that he wanted me and our life together we started talking for real for the first time in years. I finally felt heard and like my oppinion mattered again. Your husband needs to make some hard choices and it seems as if he has now you need to show him that you appreciate it. Tell him that you appreciate him being honest with you each time he is reach out and touch him maybe a massage. We all need to be touched. Touch is part of pair bonding and it really works. We heard about something called Karezza and have adopted our own form of it to help us reconnect and it has been surprisingly successful. Maybe you can try something like that with your husband. He may be quite happy with that idea once he understands it. it can be fun. I know daily life with little ones can take alot out of you but you have to nurture eachother not just your kids they will reap the benefits of a happier mom and dad. As for telling him not to quit coaching well I hope you can let him know that you still need that because i don’t think him continuing with her there all the time is healthy for your marriage. He has to take that step and I think he knows it. Surely if his love is coaching then he can love coaching a team with his own children on it. If it is about earning money for his coaching then he should put out feelers to coach at least a team that the other womans daughter is not on. He may have to play against her team but at least they won’t have the same contact that comes from being her coach. I am just baffled that her husband is even willing to let his wife continue to go to the games and practices. Well I hope my experiences can help whether what my husband and I are doing is enough to bring us through this it is to soon to say but for now we are happier together than we have been in years. Good luck and hugs. Hope you have a good week.
hi Everyone
I was gone visiting a sister in new york. Had to get away from the husband. While I was gone he would text me every so often to ask how it was going. Finely I asked him to call and we had a short conversation. One of our friends talked to me quite a bit and told me not to make demands and back off because he talked to my husband a lot and he is still on the fence about us. So I’ve been back since sat eve. We went out to dinner with my daughter and to church the next day. We talked at breakfast and my husband and I are supposed to be going to a marriage crisis thing this weekend. He told me that you are not supposed to bring a phone and he angrily said that he would not be treated like a child and he would bring his phone! He also asked what time this thing is over on Sunday because he has a meeting at 1:00. I said can’t you handle it by phone or email? He makes me so mad! I told him that he has the paper work and he can check the times. I also asked if he really wanted to go. Again he said if he didn’t want to go he wouldn’t.
He said he told a friend about what was going on with us and this friend is divorced. My husband said there were similarities between them and us. He has been doing that alot lately comparing. it’s like he is trying to find a way out without lookin like a heel. I said did they even try? The woman in that relationship changed when they adopted a child from Romania who had alot of problems. she became anti social with all of us who were friends. My husband compares my son from a first marriage to theirs. My son has been out of the house for over 10 years! I feel that I am being blamed for his behavior.
I also told him that I confided in my sisters. He didn’t like that. He said this is gonna make things alot tougher. I said well I needed someone to talk to. He said I’m not mad but now what about family stuff. He is afraid of my one sister. He don’t want to hear it from her. i told him they told their husbands and they understand we are workin on it. (I feel like it’s me really workin on it) Later his phone rang and he was afraid to answer it. He thought it was my sister or worse, my brother. Asked me their number. tonight he is going to tell his sister and her husband. He is afraid of what her husband is going to say. He just can’t look like a good person any more to any one.
Gimlet
Everything you say to me hits so close to home. Yes, I would have to agree that since I have found out, up until about 2 weeks ago, we had been having the best conversations, the best sex ever, and the most intimacy we have had since we got engaged. I couldn’t have asked for things to be better. I don’t know if it is because he has been thinking of this decision to quit coaching at his school since he has been there for 16 years that he has pulled back from me. I am afraid that he is blaming me for this decision since I told him I wish he wouldn’t coach there next year. I want him home with me and the kids. Our kids are getting older and he needs to be with them and yes he needs to be away from them as well. We have gone to bed together every night since this has happened and we haven’t done that ever. We tell eachother we love eachother every day, which that quit happening as well. I guess I just feel right now that even though he is stewing on this decision, he shouldn’t be shutting me out. He shouldn’t be cold to me, I wasn’t cold to him when I found out what he did and have been living with it ever since, so why do I have to keep putting up with him being this way to me. It just sets off all the awfull triggers that make a woman go crazy and I hate being this woman. There I go again babbling. Sorry guys and thanks Gimlet for the advice. If he ever feels like being sincere and loving again, I will try those things, but right now the closeness feels forced from his part and it breaks my heart.
Rhonda, Tell your husband what you just told me. Wait until it is a good moment don’t try to have this conversation while you are in a negative frame of mind. Let him know that you understand his decision is hard for him and you appreciate his sacrifice. Tell him that you are very sensitive right now and when he pulls away even a little it sets you back to where you were at the begining. That you are trying to overcome this response but it will take time and you need his help and affection to get to a better place. Try to offer up some positive words or actions with each negative and he will feel that he is making progress and may be inspired to keep up his efforts. It gets hard for both parties to always feel like they are working at the relationship and you both need to feel like your efforts are paying off. Hopefully the efforts will become more natural and we won’t have to try so hard it will just become the way we are with eachother. Have a good night tonight you both deserve it.
Oh Rhonda — I feel so badly you are in this place right now — but you are at the point where you are doing the work. Your husband is going to quit something he uses as his identity — which is why he feels like it’s a sacrifice. BUT — to be fair to you — it is just compensation for what you went through. I can’t find your older posts, but did you get to the real root of why he cheated in the first place….what was “the need” or the missing thing? I am still not sure I have my answer — which is why it’s literally torture for me. We will never know. And why do they really want to stay? Back to your dilemma — I would agree with Gimlet in that you must acknowledge that he is making a major change for the sake of the marriage. And that you do appreciate it — we know — we just wish he wouldn’t interject the mopey-ness, etc — because it makes it feel like something he really doesn’t want to do — but is doing so out of guilt. But you will be part of the new chapters that are just starting and all of the new experiences that await your family as well. I think change will be good in this case. Maybe you can start your own new traditions for their games. It’s too painful the way it is now — with him coaching so far away/her there, etc. So it’s up to him to alleviate that pain for you. I completely get how you feel though. He should be bending over backwards — groveling. They seriously think we can forgive and forget — forgiving is easier. The most important thing is healing you….. nothing else even comes close. Hugs to you — hope this week goes ok…. This whole situation stinks for all of us. None of us want to be here really — we have stayed — but some days I feel like I wish I didn’t….because everything is really different now. My parents celebrated their 50th anniversary this weekend. My H said — oh — we will be 9 years this year. I couldn’t help myself — but said — “they don’t mean anything anymore,so the number doesn’t really matter. You never acted married…. you didn’t keep your vows.” So it went to a bad place — and I haven’t brought it up in a long time — but I told him I’m sometimes still bitter — that “marriage” is ruined. We don’t get to have that specialness that comes with anniversaries. I believe marriage is in the heart — not on a piece of paper. UGH. Rhonda — we will survive this — let’s turn towards the positive. It’s just going to take a while to get there.
Hello ladies-
YES you will survive and dont lose hope….
Though thoughts,triggers, and day memories of the tortured past to return unexpected. It will not dissapear overnight. It takes a year or two for them to actually stay behind you.
But if you do want to move on sooner than later you must find a way to let it go and really tell yourself to make it work if not you will lose your H again.
If you don’t feel bad to moving on without him then its time for you to just focus on yourself and separate.
Rhonda-
I know! how hard it is …. to feel like you have to try after he was the one who ruined it. The one to feel the need to start the small talk to create a decent conversation. THe one who sees how important family is.. The one responsible for it all, all over again…
Those feelings come from you feeling hurt and have not yet fully forgiven him. Yes he has become distant, why? because he is doing this for you. There are alot of things he probably has done but you cannot see because of those exact feelings.
The best thing to do is too comunicate … He understands how important his family is but he feels anything he does is never good enough for you. He already has been a bad father,H, and companion to you.. so now when he is trying its seems pointless and on top of that he is quitting what he likes to do for you and still its not good enough… I believe he loves you.
Once again I know its hard to let go of everything has happen because is a reassurance to you not to get hurt again, so you create this wall and do the opposite to protect yourself. In this process though your making him feel less than he already feels. When I decided to put that guard down and ask him How he felt, he explained he felt less than shit and me being this way just made him want to leave and not fix anything because from the way I acted it was unfixable which was not true…i wanted to fix it just as much as he did but in order for that to happen I couldn’t be so mean to him because I felt he deserved it but I needed to be his friend again just as much as I wanted him to be mine…. This will take its time to pass through but just like he saw that his family ws important you need to see now whether hes important to fight for despite what happen. Do you love him enough to fix it with him or do you love yourself enough to know you can’t do this and let him go? Either way you both deserve to be happy… especially you because you can’t seem to get out of this hole but search for that rope and tell yourself you don’t want to be stuck down there no more and believe he will be up top holding the rope. Baby steps… but control that anger the dwells on you. LOTS OF HUGS
Gimlet – agree completely and happy you are finding happiness.
Ella- It hurts to know some still have that pain and have to deal with it… i hope you have better days and all this is just for now and there is happiness if agreed to find it mutually.
I am writing at midnight. My husband told me he informed his sister and husband about the affair. He said they were both quiet. But he told them at a restaurant. He said his brother in law asked about the marriage from the beginning to the middle and then now. My husband told me that he told them about feeling numb. And he keeps bringing up how hard it was with my oldest son. who has been out of the house a long time. I told him he needs to drop that. I told him he needs to quit saying how I threatened a divorce last year ( because he was treating me rotten) and quit blaming me. He says hes not but that he feels numb because of that and he doesn’t care what anyone thinks. I am angry. I feel like I hate him sometimes. Like Rhonda I feel like a roomate. But he doesn’t want anything to do with me physically. He won’t be in the room if I am getting dressed. He seems to be worried about what my family thinks now that my sisters know. I think he’s worried about what his sister thinks because she said very little and had a stern look on her face. I feel like I can’t even be in the same room with him tonight. He is going to counseling but she doesn’t give him anything to do to rectify this. that bugs me. Shouldn’t a counselor do something besides listen? I don’t know if I want to continue with her. What experience do you have with counselors that are good?
Hi Rachael:
I have been fortunate to have an excellent counselor who knows when to listens and knows when to challenge the way I think but gives me “homework” such as responding to conflict in a way we discussed rather than my usual M.O. it has empowered me on so many other levels of my life – job, friends, wacky family. I think that is why my husband didn’t like her the one time we went together. He doesn’t like to be challeneged as a general rule. Certainly not in this unfamiliar head shrinking territory. Told him to g find one that he is comfortable with then. I don’t think that has happened. Therefore I don’t give too much hope that this marriage will recover. Neither does my counselor based on his 1) lack of root changes and 2) not even making an effort to try. So right now I am in marriage purgatory (separation) but it has really helped me clear my head like the other poster mentioned. It has actually reduced my stress and not just by a little. Men are like the law of physics. They will continue down the
Hi Rachael:
I have been fortunate to have an excellent counselor who knows when to listens and knows when to challenge the way I think but gives me “homework” such as responding to conflict in a way we discussed rather than my usual M.O. it has empowered me on so many other levels of my life – job, friends, wacky family. I think that is why my husband didn’t like her the one time we went together. He doesn’t like to be challeneged as a general rule. Certainly not in this unfamiliar head shrinking territory. Told him to g find one that he is comfortable with then. I don’t think that has happened. Therefore I don’t give too much hope that this marriage will recover. Neither does my counselor based on his 1) lack of root changes and 2) not even making an effort to try. So right now I am in marriage purgatory (separation) but it has really helped me clear my head like the other poster mentioned. It has actually reduced my stress and not just by a little. Men are like the law of physics. They will continue down the path of least resistance until acted upon by a greater force – such as a strong challenging counselor trying him to change his most basic behavior. Looking for ones that have experience with forensic courtroom testimony experimce may provide you a clue they are less passive and more engaged. Anyway hope that helps answer you question.
Thanks Ladygator
So what should I ask a therapist or what should I look for? I will ask people at the marriage thing this weekend and see if I can get a referral. My husband is happy with this counselor but i don’t see him doing anything at home. I did get a book called Marriage Busting by Michele wiener Davis. It is somewhat similar to love must be tough. But it gives ideas on how to change your responses so that one person can start to make changes. they have phone counseling but too expensive! They also have a web site and a blog. I get so frustrated with his same ole same ole. Very hard on me.
Melissa B
You are right in everything you have said to me. Today is the 13 year anniversary of the first date we had where it was a blind date and I feel in love with him on that first date. Our whole story beginning is like a fairytale. I think because that is ruined for me, that is why I have been having such a terrible last week. I gave him a card this morning, telling him how much I love him and appreciate him and always will.
My heart is aching and I can’t make it stop. When I see him right now all I want to do is cry. The triggers are terrible right now and I don’t want to bring them up with him because of the fact that I know you ladies are right. He is having a hard time dealing with the fact that he may be giving up the one thing that he loves most and that is building a good softball program and coaching like he has for the last 16 years. So, I have backed off on the serious discussions, I have tried to just listen and ignore the pain I am in right now. I think because I am ignoring it, that is why it is surfacing so terribly. I can see him putting his wall up and I know the reason, but he just won’t let me in right now. I am not sure if I should just back off comletely because I know he will never come to talk to me, only I can initiate conversations, he never does.
I just hate the uncomfortableness I feel right now. I am just plain sad and can’t stop hurting. He did thank me for the card this morning and it all came after he fell asleep with me crying in his arms last night. I wish I could control the tears and the pain, but it comes when it wants and subsides the same way. Should love feel like this? Should it hurt so bad to love someone so much? Thank you ladies for all your help, you guys are my soul right now.
Rachael
I wish I had advice on a counselor, but we couldn’t afford one and I am kind of glad because the advice I get here is better than anyone that I could pay.
Rhonda-
I know how much it hurts. Its terrible to think and know the man you were willing to do anything for decided to break your heart.
any good is hard to do and nothing seems to help and only make a worse, especially his sight. Then why not take a moment or period for yourself away from him. My counselor mentioned it one time when I felt like you did, so unhappy and unsatisfied with my feelings towards him. I forgot the term but its a separation of two weeks of no contact. Each of you will write down on cards, paper, etc. About your true feelings for each other and whether you decide if this should work by the both of you or to make your future lives happy and remain separated.
I of course didn’t do it because I dont want to lose and promised myself and him in front of counseler I would try and let go because I love him.
I know how you feel and it breaks my heart to know you still feel that pain that clouds you.
I think you need time away to adjust yourself, it might help but Youe cannot worry about him or if he’s going to go back and make stupid decisions. You havent been focusing on you and not trying to find a happy place in you.
Once your good, maybe then he will be able to open up and not see in your eyes how much you despise him.
Cheer up beautiful woman , you
)
Hello Rachael:
I would look for someone who specializes in Cognitive Behavior Therapy and has a solid background in it. If you want to know more about CBT, you can find it here: http://www.nacbt.org/whatiscbt.htm As you can see in #10, “homework” is an essential feature, which I do get from my therapist. Hopefully this helps you formulate questions you can ask when interviewing for a therapist. It has really changed the way I think, process, and react to things in my life, not just my husband. It’s funny because some people (who don’t know I’m in counseling) have commented they have seen a change in me, particularly that I have become much stronger and decisive. I hope this helps. Good luck to you.
Ladygator
Thanks for the info. I did look it up and read it. It sounds similar to solution based therapy. I tried to find a counselor in my state of Michigan but no one listed as doing cognitive based therapy. I did, however, find a solution based therapist nearby and i have emailed him. I told my husband I did not feel that this woman we were seeing is doing much except listening to him talk but giving no homework to do. I asked him if she was giving him anything to do to help with trust issues? No answer. She wants to see us together after this marriage weekend thing. My husband already said he is bringing his phone (they said no cell phones) He asked me when its over on sunday cuz he has a meeting. I told him to check the papers himself. If he thinks he will leave early I’m not havin it. I asked him if he could handle it by phone or email. These are things that make me think he is not into it like he should be.
Rhonda
I have some of the same issues as you re: feelings and sadness. Yesterday was kind of a bad day. I asked my Dr for a mild anti anxiety pill. I don’t feel strong when I get that way. Sometimes I feel hopeless and sometimes mad like “why am I putting up with this BS?!” Well for me it’s been over 2 months since dday. So I’m gonna hang in there and see about the new therapist. Still gonna try and do for myself. I still pray and I am including all the people on here. God bless all of you!
Rachael
I am sorry that we both seem to be in this bad place right now. I guess the saying this to shall pass, is the only thing I am holding out for right now.
Melissa B and Ella
I took both of your advice. Last night I finally had a talk with my H after I couldn’t take it anymore. He did say he was distant because he was thinking (was thinking) about the decision of coaching or not coaching next year. He said there were pros and cons to both, but it had been bothering him everyday. I told him I was extremely sensitive to him pulling away and that it brought out all these triggers for me. I told him how much I appreciate him thinking about how I felt about the coaching and how I know he has been trying, that his trying had nothing to do with my triggers. He felt awfull and he really didn’t know what to say. I asked him if he still thought about this whole situation and he said yes everyday. He knows how much he hurt me and how hard it is on everyone. I said everyone and he said yes Shelby, the daughter on his team, the husband who goes to every game and even her. That erked me a little, he should of thought of all of them and us before he did all this, but sidetrack anyways. He said he feels bad everyday and wants to make it up to me and just hopes that I keep giving him the chance to show me how much he loves me and wants to be there. I guess I should take all those answers and run with them. I do feel a small weight lifted off my shoulders today from holding all that in, but ………still a little cautious. Thank you ladies for your advice, without your guidance I wouldn’t feel better today. Thank you , Thank you, Thank you.
Hugs to all of us.
Rhonda, Good for you both keep communcating and encouraging eachother. Hopefully your husband will make the right decision about coaching. I think he knows what that is but it is difficult for him. He just has to come to the realization it is just a consequence of his actions and he has to deal with it. Once he gets past that he can focus on finding a new way to coach and hopefully it will involve your kids.Good luck and congradulations on your most recent breakthrough.
Rhonda
I agree with Gimlet, Congrats!
I know it helped and so happy you both were able to listen one another.
Don’t take everything you both say so personally, even though you would want to but try to communicate like friends would.
Very happy you are having a good day, I know those days feel especially after feeling low for awhile. Glad to know he’s trying!
Keep it up and the love you both still share.
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Gimlet and Mellisa B
Thanks for your responses I do appreciate it, but I spoke to soon. Yes, we had a great talk last night or so I thought. I thought I made it clear that I needed to hear from him and not have him back off. Today I got no e-mails and no phone calls from him until he was almost home from practice. He always calls right before he leaves, it’s an hour from here. Flag one. Here’s another one for you. His parents got divorced when he was 6 or 7. His father never came around once his mother started dating again. Never. Then his mother pretty much left her four kids to fend for themselves when she started with this boyfriend who later became her husband. He was a severe drunk. They had no money and they moved from house to house all the time. She did not support her two youngest sons my husband and his real brother at all during school sports. She is does not reach out to them now either, big long drawn out story. The whole point is the root of my husband needing these relationships from woman is that he is seeking the love and attention and validation that his is worth something from these people because he walls off the people he loves, me and the kids, from hurting him and looks for it everywhere else. Oh yeah her H recently died of lung cancer and they lived in Kentucky. She is there alone now and still never calls us. Anyways, apparently she was up here in Ohio visiting his aunts and uncles and cousins and never even called to tell us she was here. She lives 6 hours from us. Flag two. I despise this woman. She is the root of most of my H problems. Sooooo no word from the H today, then I knew I had to tell him his mother was up here and didn’t call us, which I knew would hurt his feelings and I was back to an emotional mess. Usually this wouldn’t affect me so much, but it was like a rush of emotions. On top of that, my kids are being terrible because I think they can see I have been in this preoccuppied fog for the last 4 months. Being a good mom was the only thing I felt I was doing right for all these years and now they have been acting up so much I can’t do that either. On top of that when he asked me what was wrong tonight and I was crying my way through trying to tell him, he fell asleep. I finished my crying an hour later by myself downstairs, came up to finish my nightly duties, laundry, dishes, school stuff, and he passes me and says he’s going to bed, not another word except he is going to bed. We vowed to go to bed together every night since this has happened. Now I am trying not to take this all wrong, and like you guys said I can’t keep focusing on the negative, but two months ago if he saw me like he did last night he would make me sit with him and he would hold me and he would stay awake. Now he just stares at me. Part of the reason why I try not to talk to him about it anymore, it is too painfull. I feel like I want him to just go away right now. I know in his mind he is doing everything right and now has given up on me. I don’t think he will ever understand how much damage has been done and because he knows there is no fear of me leaving now, is putting his hands in the air, just like he did before he decided to take this EA way to far. I know I sound like a broken record, I just told him tonight, I just want one day, one whole day where I can be myself and not have this affect me. Do you ladies get one whole day? Or will my days for the rest of my life be filled with all of this? On top of that I am losing control of my kids and that is making it worse on me. I need a real grip and don’t have the time, the means, or the time, did I say time to do anything for myself. I feel like I need to get away for a few days, by myself, but with my kids so busy in everything I can’t give up on them because I am the only one here for them in the first place. I just want my life back, not this realm of crap and hurt feelings I am in. My mind is such a train wreck right now I know my paths don’t make any sense, this to shall pass I guess.
I am so sorry ladies. I know I sound like a whiny baby and like I said I know things sound redundant and I am sure you all are sick of hearing it. I just hope some day I can sound and be as positive and you ladies are and have been for me. Thanks for letting me vent. Have a great night and lots of sleep to those of us who need it.
Dear Rhonda
You seem to have the same issues as I do regarding how your husband is treating you. My husband did not have the family issues . He has not been as involved as a father as he should. We have always had conflict about how he is always trying to do many things and we didnt get the best of him. I understand how you feel. The affair is absolutely devastating and that is an understatement. you are up and down and sometimes you are okay for a while and it all comes back. I have 4 children and they are mostly grown. One is 31 and my girls are 20 and 21 and the other is 17. The youngest has trouble in school and hates it. My husband has a terrible temper sometimes and I hate the way he talks to him. It doesn’t work but my husband always thinks hes right. So I do suffer from anxiety and today i got some xanax to help. yes getting away would be good. You need an emotional break. I am dreading this marriage weekend because I dont think my husband will be trying very hard. He has rejected me physically. My two girls know about the affair and they are disappointed in their dad. They comment that he has never been to interested in them. My youngest son says he hates him sometimes because of the way he talks to him. My husband can be extremely unkind and mean. If we do get our marrige back i dont want the marraige like it waa befofe. I don’t get tired of hearing you troubles. we need to talk about these things for our sanity. lets encourage on another to go on. I hope the best. Keep saying yer prayers I think Gods got our backs.
Hi ladies- just catching up and can understand how you feel. I’m so sorry for the sorrow our H’s have put us through. It’s true sorrow. Rhonda — I know you are suffering from this horrible experience — it’s gut-wrenching. I actually couldn’t even function at work and ended up quitting — a really good job — but I couldn’t think clearly and was sooo negative. It’s been a year — and I’m starting to feel better about myself and not dwell on the A as much. My H’s was an EA with kissing, the L word, etc. and was about to go further. Plus he was emailing other women too. What you said is true, it’s something that goes back further in their past — I think my husband had a domineering mother/distant father – never learned to get close to the people he loves — he says it all the time — but he has no problem being a different person to strangers. They get that confused. There is a real person and there is a fake person. They use the fake one to medicate themselves. It sounds like your husband is really down on himself — which he should be — sounds like he feels so guilty and so badly, that maybe he can’t help himself? He needs to redefine who he wants to be now. It feels like the world is collapsing around you, but it will get better over time. Take deep breaths and take it a few hours at a time (can’t remember who wrote this on this site– but the ODAT — one day at a time — will help break it up) — you just have to get through the next hour, next day — don’t even worry about next week. The anniversary thing is hard — I told my husband that our anniversaries really don’t mean anything now – sad — it’s the loss of the innocence and the loss of the dream that we are mourning. I love my husband — but he really hurt me. That changed my feelings for him — Part of him died for me. There is still a lot that I love — I try to imagine if I left how I would feel without him. I have chosen to stay — to forgive that he is not perfect — not that he had an A and inappropriate relationships — if that makes sense. And I know I won’t forget — I do think about it every day, but I don’t get the anxiety. I know that I’m doing what I’m capable of at this time – and that is good enough. Don’t rush your feelings. They will take time. The more you love, the harder the fall so they say. I think your husband is so disappointed in himself — I know my husband is sickened by what he did — he just says that he is trying to show me every day and hopes that I will trust him again — as long as it takes. But I still have melt-downs after a year — due to triggers — we have a wedding coming up, our anniversary, etc. And I sometimes feel badly as it reminds him that he was a “bad person” at that time in his life. So I try not to set him back too because it’s my emotions. So — keep writing your feelings to get them out — it helps. Also — maybe if you allow yourself the time to vent — say one hour in the morning and then say after an hour, you will walk away and do something else? You have to somehow find something to make yourself feel good — exercise — strenuous if you can, laugh — call an old friend and let her make you laugh, put on some music and sing/dance — it will release some of the stress on your body — that is what built up in me. It was physically making me crazy. I hope you can find some peace today — we are here to listen — somehow trying to help you helps me too. I need to heed my own words though …… Hugs. Rachael — I feel your pain as well. My H isn’t a good father — he’s very distant — always has been — due to his upbringing…. It’s sad – he feels guilty about that too — that he left his kids in his first marriage. And I think that weighs on him. I don’t think they like themselves — that is where the work comes in….. but they have to do it — because we — nor any other woman — in the end will make them feel good — they have to feel good from within.
Rhonda, You don’t sound whiny you sound hurt. The one thing I will say you are doing wrong is not taking time each day to do something for yourself. If you don’t you surely will continue to spiral downward. Let me give you some background on me, I am going to be 50 this month. I didn’t start having children until my thirties and with the exception of the first they are all less than 2 years apart. For the last 19 years over 10 were spent breastfeeding and taking care of my children,my home and manging the household accounts. I used to excersize daily read and write poetry and had tons of friends and a very busy and full social life. Once having children I just became so wrapped up in that part of ny life that everything else fell by the wayside,I lost interest in myself gained weight and statred feeling sick. Then I actually got sick and have been trying to recover and gain back my health. This is acommon story for us women but what you hear is true, if you can’t love and value yourself how can others love and value you. For me it’s been baby steps last October I started walking(for my sanityas I knew something was up but had no proof) half an hour to forty minutes a day. It may not sound like much but it is hard to take that time each day I still have to do all the things I have always done and some days it means a less than spectacular dinner or maybe some laundy doesn’t get done. My boys are going crazy because they often have to sort through a basket to get their own socks. Can you imagine that. That half an hour a day gives me some peace, sometimes I think of what I want to say to my husband or for that matter the OW other times I don’t think at all I just look at the coastline and soak up the beauty I had been too busy to appreciate. I find I laugh more with my kids and have the patience to listen to my son practice the flute and even enjoy it now. Take that time it will make you feel stronger and be a better you for all those you love. I know how hard it is I still struggle most days and think maybe today I should just skip it and do this but I force myself hurting joints and all and go out thereand each time I am glad I did. So listen to all the women on this site who have advised you carve out a little piece of your day and do something that is for you, you will be better for it trust us. Hey maybe you can take the kids for a bike ride while you walk or they can help you garden while you listen to the radio. How about dancing if I had girls I’d love that. Actually I’d love to dance with my boys but only one is ever willing. Now here is your homework for today GO FOR A WALK or SOMETHING. Keep trucking and have a great day.
Rachel, Just wanted to wish you luck this weekend hope something positive comes from it. I wish I had some advice but your husband puzzles me. He sounds like he’s depressed or something. I just don’t get the numb thing maybe some type of emotional defense. Well good luck hope you feel better each day.
Dear Gimlet
Thanks for the good wishes. he puzzles me as well. I think he is having a midlife crisis of epic proportions! Ha. I gotta laugh or I will be admitted to the looney bin. I asked him if he is depressed he says nope. I asked him if he still feels numb. Yep. I am anxious about this weekend and a little depressed. Don’t know if he’ll ever change. Frightens me. I will write about the weekend later.
Ladies,
I am in need of a little advice. My husband cheated on me with several different women and one of them was a friend of his. When I found out about it, I sent her a nasty message just saying I know what you did and that karma is a bitch. Now that I am more calmed down about it, not over it by any means, I feel like I need to send her a message to just tell her what I need to say to her. I just don’t know if it is appropriate, I understand that my husband was just as willing as she was but she knew that he was married and had an 18 month old daughter when she did it. She told me that she never meant to hurt anyone and that statement makes me so mad because, if you never meant to hurt anyone then you would have never had sex with a married man. He was friends with her on Facebook before he slept with her so she was looking at pictures of my daughter, which makes me angry too, and knew that he was married. I know what it is like to be put in the position to help a married guy cheat, I worked with a lot of policemen who were cheaters but I never allowed it to go anywhere. I just wondered what your thoughts are on confronting it. I messaged her in March and she had said that she would never talk to my spouse again. I guess I just wondered, since you all have experienced so much, if you had any advice for me, one way or the other.
Dear Aimee, I too needed to get some of my thoughts and feeling off my chest. In my case when I discovered their chats I sent her a couple of messages one to let her know that I was aware of the situation and another telling her she should be woman enough to at the least respond to me. She did and also appologized and said there would be no more communication between she and my husband (my husband had already cut it off). After a coupleof weeks I felt I needed to say more. I kept my tone civil and tried to give her food for thought about looking at herself and figuring out why she would engage in such a pointless affair that would hurt another woman and mother not to mention a family with 5 kids. I refered her to this site where she could read my posts as well as other womens so she could understand what these harmless little flings can do. Then I wished her well and said I hoped she never had to visit this site for support the way I do. I think if you need to say something you deserve to it is the least they can do to listen respectfully. Just remember you don’t have to get in the gutter with them you are too good for that.
Aimmee, I forgt to say I too was furious when I read their cahts and discovered that my husband was sending pictures of our boys to her and reading her oppinions of my boys really pissed me off. Don’t the men know that our babies are ours and that sharing them in any way is almost if not more painful and unforgivable than the affair.Ugh it makes my blood boil when I think about it. So I try not to. Good luck to you.
Rachael
Good luck this weekend, I hope some really good things come out of it for you guys. I also hope that your H turns out to be willing after all once you get there.
Aimee
After I found out, I never knew the OW, I had never met her, but I did call her phone because I wanted to ask her what was going on because my H wasn’t telling me the whole truth. She was more than sweet LOL and lied to me as well. She then started sending me texts trying to give me advice on how to treat my H so that he doesn’t stray again. Her H had found out about them 9 months before me and they still continued their stuff until I found out. She said she was trying to help me so that my H didn’t feel how she felt. She also tried contacting my H until all numbers were blocked and there has been no e-mail access, as I check it everyday, religeously, like a crazy person. I have seen her a couple of times at my husbands games and have wanted to rip her apart, but I have taken the high road. I don’t think there is point to saying something to them. They were in the fog to and now there really is no point. The people that do these things don’t think rationally at all. They don’t think about anyone but themselves. You would be wasting your time and energy and I don’t think it will make you feel any better. That is just my advice, even though you dream of reaming her a new one. I think if you actually did it, you would feel as terrible and low as they both should. Good luck!!!
Aimee….if you confront her or send her another message, will it help YOU, will it help YOU move on?
I confronted the OW four times…3 before I filed for divorce and 1 after. Each time I found out more about the situation, which needless to say I kinda already had a feeling about it but she and my now ex just confirmed my gut feeling. They were both lieing and really I don’t think that they could remember what they had said because they would contradict themselves each time. She did end up confriming that the baby may or may not be my ex’s…she wasn’t sure who got her pregnant and that they were still messing around even after I discovered and he still contacts her every now and then for an ego boost, she said. She also said that her husband had cheated on her a few years ago and she knew how I felt…OMG…and she turned around and did this to someone else. She knew he was married, she knew my kids, me, his family…hmmm, some people just do not have and morals. The only thing that I can say that I benefited from the conversations was conformation that a divorce was the best thing for me and my kids…this man that I married, was not someone that I knew anymore…I think he just wanted someone to take care of him. She was not the first one that I caught him with, she was just the final strawl in our story.
Dear Rhonda
I hope my husband puts forth effort too. Thanks. Still have anxiety and some depression about it. I am scared it won’t help but i am going!
Dear Aimee
I texted the Ow in front of my husband and berated her. That was it. I have felt that I wanted to say more but after reading quite a bit I guess she is not worth it. I should not give her the time of day. We seem to put alot of anger on these women and yes they are also to blame but if our husbands had not put themselves out there it wouldn’t have happened. So I would not pursue it further. I just keep thinkin what goes around comes around. She will get hers sometime somehow! This whole episode in our lives is so damn painful and hard! Basically I am a strong person but this has knocked me flat. I believe we have to focus on ourselves like many of the ladies have said. Now that is hard to do! So I get its one minute at a time for some of us or one hour at a time til it adds up to a day. God Bless you.
Aimee, Now you have consensus, I think it boils down to as Em said will it help you. YOU are what matters here. Will she even listen who knows or really cares you should do whatever you need to help yourself but think first take time to calm down and make sure that you are ready for whatever comes. Sometimes you find out more and you need to ask yourself deal with that if it comes? I and all here wish you well.
Aimee — I’m sorry about your situation. I did not confront the OW _- but I did tell her H — that was enough for me. I did not give her the satisfaction of knowing she bothered me — my husband quickly dropped her and apparently she was really mad about it as she “was in love” with him. He said the L word as well, but obviously, it wasn’t enough. But back to her — I couldn’t give her the satisfaction nor could I give her the power. I watched a video somewhere about women thinking of themselves being “high value” — if I had a daughter — that is what I would teach her to think of herself as. But sometimes I lose sight of that in myself — but each of us here are high value — the OW is not. The one thing I wanted to call and tell her (but didn’t) — was “thank you” — thank you for opening my eyes to what we needed to fix in our relationship — neither one of us was truly happy and it though it was a despicable thing — everything happens for a reason and this was to help me have an even better marriage. The ultimate revenge to the OW is to be happy. She wants what you have. I actually debated telling her H because I didn’t want her to have the chance to “fix her marriage” — if her husband was ignoring her, I didn’t want him to change and make it better for her — but who knows — in the end I told as I would want to know. We were being made fools of. I still have never contacted her — can’t find out what she looks like but I think I have seen her picture on someoneelse’s facebook page – but I can’t be sure and don’t want to ask my husband since it’s been a year now. It’s torture — but I have to remember I am high value. You are too….don’t let them get the better of you — you are worth more than that. Do it only if it is for you — just like the ladies above said. Sorry you are in this situation — none of us deserved it.
Aimee-
Please listen to what these ladies are saying. Is true when asking if this will help move on. In all reality these OW dont care what we have to say for they forever think that our H did what he did because of something we did. NOT TRUE. We did nothing, our H did this because they were in lala land and just being plain selfish in their needs, whateve that is.
If you do decide to speak with her, don’t go down to her level. You are far more woman than she is. You have morals and class. As a wife and the mother of his kids, if any, we dont act like them or speak like them.
Hope you will make a decision that will help you move on and not bring you down and be stuck in this present of torment. Its hard to leave.
Rhonda-
You are not whining, on the contrary please write to us everyday if it helps you in any way. We are here to listen to each other and support one main goal, to move on and find happiness again whether divorced or still together with your H. I think all of our H have a past. Mine did and is a BIG reason for why he is the way he is. My H never had the love of his biological mom so he has been seeking the love of a female to make him feel wanted or like a little boy but as soon as that female ,in the moment, starts with the authority,since he had no real dad, of where are you going and whos going with with you and stop this and stop that he becomes this cheating asshole. I am shocked he wasn’t like that with me for the first few years together until we added marraige into our relationship and all hell broke loose. I told him he could have talked to me and I would have understood. Even though it doesnt seem like it but we are more important than we realise because they know we truly love them and car for them but there are some H that never get past their past and look what it brought them. Loneliness.
That is why ladies we should learn from what we see and learn to let go and not focus so much on the past so our future wont be as messed up as their was, which is now.
I recently have encountered a mutual friend and we all went out for dinner one night as couple date night.
It was vey nice and fun.
A day later I got an email and it was the H from our mutual friends. OK?!
He sent an email and said he had no one to talk to and felt I was the only one who can understand.
I didnt think nothing of it so i replied with ” Sure, how can I be of assistance”.
He sent an email filled with questions with why women do this? what do we talk about among ourselves? and etc.
reasons for his questions was coming from the fact his W had cheated with this OM.
WOW! an H in limbo.
I told him to read our posts on this blog that wont give him the answers to why she did what she did but to help him out of the limbo he is feeling.
He is insecure, feels belittled, unappreciated, and everything we have spoken about ourselves.
Hope this site truly helps him as it has been helping us.
Aimee, well I am one who did confront the OW, got sick of seeing her at our gym acting like all was grand in life. She is married too with 3 kids but unlike us, she and her husband still live together. I booted my husband out in January to get his act together (we will be married 25 years on June 7th). When I discovered who the OW was I left her a message on her cell phone, she accused me of harrassing her. At the gym I went up to her and said Jill we really need to talk and you know why, she fled.
So I let it go but started telling mutual friends, etc.. one friend and her husband very publically let her know and my husband know they will not associate with either of them ever again. The OW one day in the gym told this couple, “Don’t judge me” and you don’t know everything. I should have known then it was all about her…
So on 2/24/12 I finally said something. I caught my husband talking to her and I called him at work and let him know, he was very upset and shaken up telling me he is not back with her but she wanted to tell him things with her husband were not good. My husband told me all about her contact and what was being said, this made me angry. So Friday I went to the gym and saw the OW walk through the parking lot with an older friend and get in the OW’s car. I walked up to the car, knocked on the window and wished the older women a Happy Birthday then sweetly smiled at Jill and said “I know everything Jill including your recent contact and what you are saying to my husband, I am just sick and tired of this and now I am going to have nice conversations with all the guys in the coffee group, I am no longer silent”. I then walked away and she started her car put it in reverse and hit me, she hit me twice. This was witnessed and I called the Police and filed an incident report. The Police then paid a visit to her at her home. I was not injured but very shaken up. I did tell all the coffee guys that Jill just hit me with her car and there is a witness and I am calling the Police. Many of these men had no idea of this affair among the two of them….. Turned out the Police Officer who came knows my husband and I gave details including their affair, so it is on record. I was advised it one more thing happened to file a restraining order, which I have not done.
So now fast forward and she is still at the gym but has told everyone that I hit her! Wow, she is in a car and I am walking, I did put my hand out to try t stop her car and my hand was swollen. As for my husband, he was speechless and asked why I had to call the Police. The older lady in the car is more worried I am spreading rumors and it will hurt her reputation. The older lady has know my family for years and knew about the affair and even passed messages between them because they are my friends.
So to this day I do not regret ever saying what I did. But to hear her say I was out of control, hit her car just makes me mad but I do have a witness who saw and heard it all. So I know the truth and I just hold my head up high and smile, especially when one of her gym friends starts loudly saying stuff about me. All I know is that I am a much better person but secretly I would love to kick her ass and my husbands right along with them, matter of fact my soon to be daughter law wanted to fly out and do it. We just laugh but I know I would never, ever stoop to that lever.
I am 10 days away form the One year of Discovery and I am still seperated with a husband who is screwed up. I am working so hard to move forward and am even seeing another man on a casual basis. I can’t get my emotions tied up even more, we meet for dinner and spent time together and it is nice and he lives 65 miles away and is very busy with his company. So as much as I would love for this man to sweep me away and help me run, he won’t and I am now dealing with it all.
I am going back to the therapist I saw when all this first happened and now will face those difficult issues she wanted to begin and I said no and never went back. It is amazing to me that a year has gone by but I know I am not the same person at all, I am more confident, strong and have found the fun, wilder side of me I lost in my marriage. A weeks vacation with a girlfriend was just what the Dr. ordered, now back to reality!
Keep it up ladies, life is precious and we have to enjoy every moment. I just had another friend die suddenly at a young age, really shook me up but made me really see just how precious our lives are.
Gosh ladies,
I am so appreciative of your amazing support, even through dealing with your own betrayals. I did end up messaging her, mostly because I needed to do it for myself….I was actually really nervous to hit that send button. I have no idea if she will write back, the first time she said she was sorry but, that really doesn’t mean that much to me. I struggle so much, even though my H is actually working pretty hard at trying to make it up to me. The information came out to me in bits and pieces, along with some pretty graphic pictures that seemed to have burned themselves into my brain. He really wasn’t forthcoming with whether or not he slept with this one even when I asked him about it. I found text messages from him to her and he was calling her ‘babe’ and ‘sweetheart’ which is what he calls me. I get mad at him now when he calls me that, it means very little to me now. I can only beat him up so much and when he doesn’t try to justify himself or get defensive about his actions or blame me, I kind of run out of steam. I think that I was mostly diplomatic, although, I did call her a homewrecker, there was no profanity involved. I did refer her to check out his site so that she can see the devastation that people like her cause.
I just wanted to say how much I appreciate you all and your support, if it wasn’t for this site, I would probably be in a much darker place. God bless you all!! And I hope that one day, once it isn’t so crippling for me, I can be as supportive as you all have been.
Hi Ladies!
This is where I should have been posting… I was posting in Jewels’ divorced thread. Probably because I want to be… but for now this is where I am.
I can so relate to all of your life stories! I really wish I had found this site years ago. It would have saved me from more heartache and horrific, self defeating mistakes. So glad I’m here now!
I confronted the first three of his ow. I was so young and naive, I met the first one at work-they worked at the same place. All I could say was “I know who you are and what you are doing” then I left. I had my two year old in my arms and I was shaking I was so scared. She was twice my age, twice my hussybands age too. worldly, from Russia. She was visibly shocked which made me smile. I just had to see her. and yes, I felt better. My hussyband still is friends with her even though she lives far away. He told me recently that he really loved her. It’s been 16 years. Dumbass he should have left me for her and saved me all these years of hell. Ten years and lots of porn issues and email girlfriends later (he also recently told me there were other women during these years). He was going out to night clubs weekly. We are in an area that has only hole in the wall (haha! see the pun? I just noticed it. leaving it in for a laugh..) night clubs. I know for sure he hooked up with who I call; girl from other side of the tracks’ That was a nasty mess that sent me down the wrong path for a long time. I pretended to be interested in meeting her with my hussyband. Which we set up and it was terrible. I tend not to judge unless having a really strong Joan Rivers moment, which I was not. But she was a skank! You did what with that? We made it through wine and I left to the car. We had to drop her off at the park. So funny now. My hussyband and her thought we were all going to hook up, boy was he mad! I think they continued their meetings..
I gave up meeting his other women after that. He also is very good now at hiding it all. He has all computers locked and passwords like crazy. I have no access to credit card info or bills or anything. His phone has a passcode and a notification app on it so he knows if I even tried. He has changes of clothes at work and does his laundry (also his secret laundry I suspect) when I’m out. He also has admin. access to everything but my new tablet. This is why I can stop stalking you and start participating. Yay! But August of last year I got into his phone and it was worse than I imagined! Nothing is ever worse than I imagine!?
Oh my you ladies will thank me I just wrote a ton more crap but mercifully deleted most of it. Anyone ever do that? I just don’t have adults to share with that understand..
oh gotta share! received my std tests back, amazingly, negative! yay! I am getting a bed for my basement art studio.
Thank you for being here posting and reading you all are a blessing! Lets live our lives the best we can at the moment. Please take time for you! journaling really helped me get the crazies out. I had to get a lock box though, in order to feel safe writing my truth. Blessings to you all. May we find ways to open up space for us to breathe and remember our own truth.
Acorn, OMG I can’t imagine how you deal with him. You are very strong not to have completely lost it on him. In your case I say turn about is fair play I’m not talking about cheating but having your own life and interests and keeping your things locked up and secret. I wonder how he would feel. Let him see a strong woman who can manage just fine without him I’ll bet he comes begging. If you should meet someone worthy show him how it is done tell him first and let him deal with the pain of knowing someone he trusted and believed is commited to him wants someone else. Oh I’m just so glad you found us we will all be here to support you. And don’t feel the need to delete this is a safe place to vent . Welcome.
Aimee, It doesn’t really matter if she responds as long as you said what you needed to say. That was for you not her. I’m right there with you regarding the terms of endearment, my husband had several pet names for his EA and now he can’t use the special name he used for me for the last twenty plus years without me thinking of her. At least they weren’t the same ones but it hurts everytime I think of it. I hope our marriages can become so strong that one day that won’t hurt anymore.Stay strong you’re doing great.
Gimlet, I really don’t care if she responds to me, I felt very empowered to write her that letter. I got to take back a little bit of control of my feelings and that has been something that I haven’t been able to do since I found out 6 months ago.
I completely understand how you feel about the pet names, it just hurts every time he says it to me. I really hope the same thing for you, it has been a real struggle for me to not want to just give up and leave. We are with him where he is stationed overseas. I think that kind of forces me to stay because I can’t just up and walk out the door. I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. I think that I honestly do want things to work with my H but I am still so hurt by what he did and there is no explanation on his end, just an ‘I don’t know why I did it’ which aggravates me every time that he says it.
Aimee, I am glad you feel better you did what you needed to do and I think that is what we all need to do.How we do it may be different for each of us but we are all trying to pick up the broken pieces of ourselves and put the back together to feel whole. I hope in time we all including our husbands will gain some clarity in what happened and how so we can avoid going down that painful path again. Wishing you lots of smiles and happy days in the near future.
Hi ladies,
Just wanted to say hello and I hope everyone had a good weekend. I hope that, Rachael, your weekend was productive with your husband at the marriage thing. I just want to vent a second. It has been almost 6 months since D Day. My heart has been terribly broken lately and I don’t know why. Almost everytime my H hugs me or I look at him I start to cry. I just can’t seem to get over this and I don’t know why. He is trying very hard, he is making a great effort, he is saying all the right things and for the most part acting like he loves me. I too have been trying really hard. I quit talking about the affair, I quit asking all the questions that bother me, I have left him little notes and cards in the mornings telling him how much I love him. I initiate all the sex, he will give me hugs and cuddles, but initiates no sex. He said it is for fear of what I may not want to do. Probably because during his affair I always told him it felt like rape because I could tell it wasn’t me he wanted to be with, even though I didn’t know at the time why he hated me so much, only to find out on DDAy it was becasue he was in love with someone else. I have quit thinking back to all the details, because I realize they are just to painfull to deal with, so why am I still so destroyed right now? I hear all of you with the positive thinking a year from now and so want to feel like I can feel love and accept love from my H and feel like I fit and belong here and that I am worthy of it, but all I feel right now is questions after questions, and second guessing everything, and not feeling worthy of anything. I am dead inside or should I say dying. I just don’t understand why I can’t get and I don’t mean this to sound cliche, but the ache in my heart to go away. This whole thing destroyed me, my life and everything I believed in. I don’t know how to move past that. I act everyday to the people I love like I am fine and I smile and push through the day, but all I want to do is curl up and cry. Even as I write this I can’t stop the twinges of pain in my heart to stop the tears in my eyes. I feel like I don’t know everything about them, but I know it doesn’t really matter because it is all terrible. I think it bothers me so because I know he has to see her all the time. I feel like my H really cared about how devastated I was in the beginning, but not in mean way, but I think he thinks I should be over it. He doesn’t have the same tone of voice or look in his eyes for me that he did in the beginning and that is the only thing that kept me here, was the care in his eyes. I don’t see that now. I need to see that to hang on, that is the only truth I know, that was the only reason I knew we were in so much trouble was because he couldn’t look at me for 3 years at all. He couldn’t stand to look at me. Then when I found out, he looked at me all the time, he watched, he worried, he tried so hard to help me feel better, now he falls asleep if I talk about my pain and he quit looking at me. I know these are all petty little things, but right now in the last few weeks I have been so lost again. I can’t seem to find my footing on the ground and it doesn’t seem to me like he really wants to help. Here is the thing I am so worried about him and making him mad and stepping on his toes, I have been since the beginning, that it scares me. It scares me to think I do have the right to get mad, but I know if I do he will leave. I am just so tired, not in a mean way, just exhausted emotionally. I just want to be loved unconditionally by the man that was my world for 13 years. I just don’t know if I will ever be able to truelly feel love from him again, which absolutely kills me because I have always loved him from the start, even when things were terrible. Here is the pity, I want my dream back. Our story was a true love at first sight and that is gone forever, my marriage crushed, and me I don’t even know who I am now. I am just sad and not sure how to fix me. Part of me wants him to really want to fix me, not just the situation, but to go over the top, like he did to lie and hide all this from me, but I will never get that effort, I know that. Sorry ladies, today is a bad day after a long weekend, and I just needed to let this all out. I am lost, I am hurting, and I just don’t know how to make it stop. Have a great day girls, hopefully it is warm and sunny where you are. I love you guys dearly, thanks for listening.
Rhonda-
Hey…. I guess we all are trying but there are specific actions that caused perminent damage. I have mine I cannot get out of my head. Honestly I had a set back this weekend. I don’t know what triggered it but he noticed it and felt bad and started to ask if I was alright? If I needed to talk? If I needed space? but instead I shut down and didn’t want to have a conversation about I felt because how I feel sounds like I don’t want to be part of this relationship anymore, which is not true. I do want to stay and make it work but my thought that really made me be isolated this weekend was a not so mucha thought but a question…. Why should I try in this relationship when he did everything, I mean everything, to leave the marraige? He calls it a bad decision but he was seeking a new life with a new relationship. It was for a reason. Whether its my fault or his, he made the choice to say I am leaving! and I will say anything to destroy this woman. Because of that question and that thought in itself I cant seem to feel anything for him other than he is my boyfriend. When I go out, which I did this past Friday… I couldn’t make it known he was my H but just my man. I also noticed that I was checking out guys and was saying to myself he so cute. I would have never noticed other guys but now I feel like what’s the point when he had me at home like an idiot and still did what he did. Now our sex life is getting become a little akward. I used to feel that unity when we made love, the unity where I was the only woman he was completely attaracted to,now I feel different when we have sex. I feel like hes a one night stand. Akward and I feel passion is gone. I have told him this and you see tears come down but I can’t lie. he then ask if I want to have sex with another man, I replied with I don’t know. I do love him but he feels my heart is not all there and I think he’s right. I don’t want to leave but I refuse to be fake. Like I said HUGE setback this past weekend…. I will continue to have more conversations on how I feel but is hard to talk to a man who at once didnt want to be with you anymore. I know he came back becuase he loves me and wants to be with me but after the disaster my feelings have changed dramatically and tables have turned. He ended our last conversation with ” this is kharma kicking my ass and it hurts, I am so sorry I wasn’t the H I was suppose to be ” and then goes and takes a drive. Hope your weekend wasn’t a setback but two steps forward.
Ohh Mellissa I wish I had words of wisdom as my weekend was just as bad as yours. A set back to say the least. I kind of feel the way you do. Why should I try so hard when I was the idiot as well. Things were bad here too, but I stayed no matter how mean he was to me or how much I could tell he hated me, I still stayed. You are right in it when you say, why should we try so hard. I mean yes we do want it to work, but now there are the lingering questions on whether this is really what we set out for in the first place. All our feelings have changed because of this. This situation has rocked us to the core and we just don’t know where to turn. Our usual turning points cannot be trusted or believed in so what do we have left. I feel your pain, I totally feel your pain. I had just posted bebfore you did on the exact feelings listed by you except I haven’t been able to tell him how I am feeling. Also the fact the he notices, but when there is time to talk about it he just falls asleep. I guess it would be different for us because when they were at this point of thinking they chose to find someone else, now when we are at this point of thinking we have chosen to fight because we don’t have someone to turn to like they did for the comfort we need. I don’t understand all the feelings I am going through either and all I can say is take your time you need. Decided what you want. You have been so strong this could just be a big bump in the road. You are not the only one that is feeling the setbacks, so just take a step back from all those feelings and breath. We all are here, if you need us. I’m sorry we feel like this today, I wish things were different.
I guess no-so-happy weekends was in the water this past weekend for some of us on this board. Sunday was a bad day for me. While I know we are separated, you’d think that I would have gotten a phone call or at least a text message asking how I am doing regarding my surgery. But no, the last time I heard from him was April 25th when he met met at the bank to cash our tax refund check before he went on his 6 day fishing trip with his buddies. I am just overwhelmed with hurt that someone who is supposed to forsake all others, and support you through sickness and in health, blah blah blah, doesn’t appear to take time out of his TV watching, fishing, ball-scratching, not-getting-counseling, day to see how I am. Since my surgery on 4/18, I think he’s inquired twice. Yes, I am the one who moved out, but because of his actions as well as his inaction to fix things. It hurts to think I could be discarded and forgotten so easily after 20 years. But perhaps it is a painful sign it is time to cut my losses and move on. I find this whole situation oddly similar to trying to decide when to euthanize a beloved pet. Have you tried enough? Or is it time to end the suffering? IDK…..
O.K. so I did try tonight again to tell him what was going on with me. He asked when we went to bed why I was shaking (me trying to hold back from crying ) I began to tell him about how I was feeling, destroyed, confused, in a horrible place right now. He did not understand and when I started crying uncontrollably he pulled me closer and fell asleep. Then when I tried to get up he said where are you going? I said I cannot lay here destroyed while you sleep and he had the nerve to say well don’t try to talk to me in bed then. Even though I tried twice all ready in the last two weeks while he was upright in a chair and he still fell asleep. Maybe ladygator is right, maybe we should cut our losses. I know whoever said the person who loves the least controls the relationship, because I have never been in control and still this day am not. If I destroyed someone to the core, I would go to the ends of the earth to make it right, maybe I guess the ends of the earth have a time limit for them or maybe me staying was just convenient for him. I hope you all have a better day tomorrow, mine will be long as I am in for another night of no sleep. This is about the time I wish I would have gone to see a counselor so I could make the decision on if I should stay here or if I should go. I don’t believe he will ever love me as much as I love him, that is the bottom line.
Rhonda, Melissa B, Ladygator, and Rachael (when she’s back)….Oh my — I missed these posts yesterday, and have to say that something was definitely in the water. I do alot of my thinking in the shower. I replay the letter he wrote his EA person to end their “relationship” — and I get sick. I do it EVERY day. Is this the rest of my life? Rhonda — I was in your shoes at 6 months in. It’s normal. Melissa B — I hear you when you talk about seeing other men — my radar is definitely up. I even contacted a guy I had a few dates with a long time ago who is on my facebook and had coffee with him. It felt great to talk to him. I didn’t “go there” — he is single — and available. But I sometimes fantasize about a new life — where I would live, where I would work — and how much more social I could be. I think I would feel free and in control. My H acts like he’s 100. He complained about being bored (i had read his emails) – but yet, he’s the most boring person. He falls asleep after dinner and that’s it. Rhonda — your feelings are normal — you have gone through serious trauma — you are feeling how normal person would feel after this horrible experience. Deception and lying — they are so destructive. This is just your instincts kicking in. To protect yourself. That is how I feel. I am staying with “an abuser” — because that is what it felt like — and some days I feel the same as you — why would I ever stay with someone who would do that. It’s like being with someone who hit. Will they hit again? You walk on eggshells. That’s how I feel — because the risk is getting that punch in the gut all over again. I think our H’s feel very badly — probably feel worse about themselves – which is why they cheated in the first place. They feel badly about themselves — or in my case, I wonder if my husband is just bored and maybe we really aren’t compatible. Kind of like the Brad Pitt comment — he didn’t feel “alive” while he was married to Jennifer Anniston — so I wonder…..was my H looking for the more exciting life. We don’t have kids which puts more pressure on the relationship to be the everything. He is doing all the work now — but some days I don’t think it’s enough — and definitely too late. My feelings have changed too. And I no longer “feel alive” – -getting dressed up for him isn’t fun – he doesn’t appreciate it anyway — he prefers to look like a slob most of the time. But he lost weight when he was starting to see her — that was my tip-off. And now, he’s back to being heavy again. That is the loss we are experiencing. The dream isn’t what we thought. That is the loss — the loss of the wedding bliss, the perfect marriage, the golden anniversary, etc. I can no longer say that my H is the perfect husband, my protector, the love of my life. Because he didn’t treat me that way — or respect me enough to just get out. I just don’t know why they don’t divorce us. Is this more common than we think? I just don’t know what “normal” is anymore. I just hope we can get out of the limbo state soon. I hate this feeling. Quick question – -do you ever walk around now in public and look at other women and wonder if they are truly happy or what might be going on in their marriage? I wonder that all the time. I see faces that look tired and no longer alive — and I just wonder if they are in the same place we are. I am so thankful to be able to vent here. Rhonda — go for a walk today if you can — or do something physically active — I think your crying is built up stress coming out. You need to release it more. I am going to do that today as well. Hugs to all.
Ella,
Your words were perfect, they could of been mine. You are totally right about how I feel as well. And you aren’t crazy, because everytime I am in public anywhere, I see couples and wonder if one of them as cheated and I do look at other woman and wonder of they are going through the same things. I also wonder if people can tell that he did this to me, like the scarlet letter, is it one my face that I was such an idiot that my H can do this horrible things to me and I stay. I wonder if people can tell. It’s funny you said that because I think it all the time. I think maybe the full moon might have had something to do with it. I don’t know I just know I still feel like crap.
Rhonda, I’ve been thinking about you and your situation of not being able to get past this point of always feeling stressed and sad and I really think that the main reason is because it is baseball season and you have to think of him seeing her everyday he coaches. I don’t know what your coverage for counseling is (we only have individual but no family) but it may be time to take advantage of any that is available. Feeling like you do for too long isn’t healthy you have to do something to take care of yourself.Start with yourself and then see about getting couples counseling if you are able too. If you don’t have coverage there are many community organizations that offer counseling on a sliding scale that will run from free to 40 dollars a session . I believe if you dial 211 in most states you can get information on various types of help available including mental health and family counseling. I just wish so much for you to feel strong again. As for you loving your husband more than he loves you, I think that men just love differently and they are just plain lazy about doing the type of work on relationships that we will. My husband will be upset at that but we all know this is true in most cases. I find myself feeling disappointed and even hurt at times when I think he is not doing one thing or another for me and that it means he doesn’t care and feel I’m worth the trouble. If you remeber when I came home from my trip and found the house dirty and the laundry backed up I was hurt. He met me at the airport with all the kids clean and smiling ,welcome home signs and a dozen beautiful roses but I focused on the mess at home as the true sign of his affection for me. We are just need to accept that we are different and learn to communicate