Did You Stay After Your Husband Had An Affair?

{ 2217 }
Did You Stay After Your Husband Had An Affair? post image

Photo courtesy of Coralí Cros https://www.flickr.com/photos/coralicrfo/

Choosing to stay with your cheating husband after he committed adultery is very common.

There is no such thing as staying in the marriage or leaving; there are a couple shades of grey mixed into the decision. The truth is, some women stay, and some women leave, and your recovery after the affair isn’t about staying or leaving but your attitude towards staying or leaving.

Many women have this ingrained subconscious philosophy that if you stay after your husband cheats, then you are one pitiful weak woman. Nothing could be further from the truth. It takes an incredibly strong woman to stay married after her husband has cheated, to endure the constant triggers, to still be the wife, the mother, and keep the family together. It’s hard to do that, but many stay. Now, if you stay with the attitude that you are one strong woman and are working with your husband to rebuild the marriage, that’s great! But if you stay because you feel trapped, you will suffer greatly within your own marriage. In fact, a lot of women tell me they stayed (for various reasons), but they don’t feel that they are strong, confident women anymore. If you feel this way, it’s time to re-evaluate the situation.

Maybe it is time to take a day or two off from being a mother, a wife, and/or a businesswoman, and just be alone and think about your emotions and thoughts. I think you will be surprised at what comes to the surface. At the end of the day, if you stay married, great, but try not to compromise the strong, confident woman who is inside of you. You are choosing to stay, versus feeling trapped into staying.

The same is true if you decide to leave. Leave with confidence that you are leaving a situation that is no longer beneficial to you as a person. You are leaving in order to give yourself a better life.

I will not judge you either way, women that stay married are strong and women that leave are strong as well, it all depends on your particular situation and your own attitude. Stay strong, if you decide to stay or leave, you have a support system on this site.

  • Nicky April 1, 2011, 6:19 PM

    I am so upset right now! And I wonder if I’ll ever get past this feeling. The pain of betrayal, after I have stood by this man? The lies! The lies! Makes me wonder what else in my marriage is a lie. The worst thing is that he is not remorseful. In all that happened 2 days ago all he could say is that I shouldn’t have been checking his mails. He is unapologetic and I ask myself why on earth am I going to stay on in this marriage?

    I’ve only been married for two years and wonder if all he will do is not just become worse. All I can do now is focus on my life and start moving on, and stop weaving my life around him as I have done in the past.

    I’m too upset to type anything meaningful right now will repost something when I’m in a better place. As you’ve said need to take time out to sort my thoughts.

    • Jewels April 1, 2011, 11:12 PM

      Hello Nicky,

      Just from the few lines that you typed, your husband sounds like my husband. My husband was very unapologetic as well (especially at first), it was painful to watch him put this whole thing on me (like the line your husband used about not you shouldn’t of been checking emails…my husband said something very similar). The next few months will be tough as you sort out your feelings. Because your husband might have some of the same actions as mine, I think you would benefit from my free ebook, which can be found on the left hand side of this website. I think it will help. Take care of yourself.

      P.S. – Yes, the worst thing is when they don’t act remorseful. I was going through so much emotionally, this is the time where your suppose to be crying and begging for forgiveness, and instead you blame me, act like I deserved this, and carry on as if this is not a big deal?? Grr….I now realize that most men don’t act remorseful because they are scared out of their mind about what’s to come and they just don’t know what to say or do, but it still doesn’t hurt any less…….

  • Adele April 3, 2011, 8:49 PM

    I can understand your uncertainty in getting past the feelings of betrayal. I just caught my husband of 30 years cheating. He took a business trip and came back with herpes. Infected me. I figured the whole mess out when I realized the symptoms I was having were not a reaction to new laundry detergent or something else. I found the pills a physician had prescribe to treat his disease. When I confronted him he told me he was waiting to tell me when he got his test results back. I threw him out and went to the doctor and I did indeed have herpes now. I too have woven my life around my husband, raised three children and pretty much walked away from all my friends to keep up with my children and husband’s interests. I am a professional woman with many contacts in the community and I am well respected. The thought of being without the man I really love is very hard, BUT anyone that knowingly infects another with a disease and uses the lame excuse they were waiting for the confirmation of the diagnosis is mentally off. I have told him I will consider working things out right after he seeks some major counseling. He thought I should help arrange it. I told him to grow some and figure it out for himself. I will not wait forever, but now that I have the permanent reminder of his infidelity burning in my body and I don’t know how I will ever forgive him completely. Our children know as well and they are crushed.

    • Jewels April 3, 2011, 11:30 PM

      Adele,

      Sorry to hear about your story. It really hurts when you weave your entire life around someone that hurts you so much and betrays you mentality, emotionally, and physically. It would be so much easier if you were wronged by someone that you didn’t give your entire life over to. As far as your husband, I really don’t feel good about him knowing enough about his situation far enough into it to get a prescription and have you find out the way you did. I am so glad that you told him to get counseling – on his own – I agree with you. I told my husband he needed help as well, and he made it seem like I was the one with the issue. I told him I wanted him to drive fixing this because he put us in this situation, but fortunately/unfortunately, he never stepped up and I left. We typically do everything else in the marriage; him getting help and helping to fix this major problem in the marriage is such a key sign in my opinion. If they actually step up, it’s a good sign. If they don’t, you know what you have to do. I am sure your kids are crushed. This is what affairs do, the cause pain to everyone involved. Please keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing.

  • Kelli April 26, 2011, 2:15 PM

    Jewels
    I just read the part where you asked your husband to drive since he took the situation to that point.. i as well have asked repeatedely for my Husband to go with me to counseling or for him to go by himself and he still refuses… I have filed for legal seperation as im not sure really yet what i want but I do know that I will not stay with this man no matter how much i love him, if he doesnt want to better himself and our marriage. You did leave, and really how did u do it? did you just pack up? did you pack him up? my counslor is telling me to “sit on this” and see what plays out as this is the time where things will or will not work… but I am at my wits end with this. i need solidification either way of what to do…

    • Jewels April 26, 2011, 9:03 PM

      Hello Kelli,

      Him not driving is not a good sign as far as recovery. This situation is so traumatic, it takes two fully committed people to make it work. My husband was just like yours so hear is what I did. I decided to stop focusing all of my energy on the marriage, and started focusing my energy towards, my plan to leave, my recovery, and the kids. I stopped focusing on the marriage because no matter what I do, I can’t force him to care enough to work through it. He noticed a changed and was curious. You know what he thought (and still thinks to this day) – he accused me of cheating. Yes I was cheating – cheating with myself, and I loved it. I stopped getting angry, I stopped begging him to read this or go to counseling or listen to me. My encounters with him were at a minimal, because being around him would leave me confused, angry, or depressed. I used that engery to read books about getting self confidence (it’s so low after the affair). I read books about how to help your kids through a separation so that I would be prepared (you should do the same, your 3.5 year old will ask questions if you move out or vice versa. I thought about what I wanted to do with my life. I asked my husband to watch the kids once a week so that I can take a breather. It was all about me. I told him I think 6 months before I moved out that I was moving out, so that he could prepare. I wanted this separation to be a good one. I mourned the lost of the marriage, and then I moved forward. There were times where I thought what have I done to my kids. Or how will I live financially on my own? Or will I now be alone for the rest of my life, who would want me with two young kids? But I kept pushing through those questions to a more positive place. When I thought – how would I live on my own, I said, there are tons on moms that do it everyday. When I thought will someone every want me – I found tons of examples of people that re-marry. When I thought that I messed up my kids by leaving the marriage, I immediate think my kids would be worse off being raised by a miserable mom that gets disrespected and feeling stuck in her marriage than being with a mom that is empowered, even if she is divorced. (Not saying women that stay get disrespected and feel stuck, that is just the way that I personally felt). I forced myself to look at the positive. And you know what, I am on my own, have my own place, I am not dating by choice because I am still married and I refuse to go there. But even if I wasn’t marriage, I am at a place where I love being me and by myself, I am ok with that. You have to get to that place as well. Once you get to that place, you will fast forward your recovery.

      **Mind you, I had to save up to leave, so I stayed with him for months before leaving. But during that time, I wasn’t miserable because of the mindset I was in.

      I hope this helps, best of luck Kelli, it’s a hard journey, but if you focus on yourself you will come out on top.

  • Nato May 30, 2011, 5:02 AM

    Hi, Im reading this blog and like many women who have came across this, it may be close to a personal situation they are in. For myself, I decided to stay with my husband with the confidence of a strong woman..the first time..but when a husband keeps cheating what do you do then?? In my case, I tried and I tried for 5 years and after so much trying and such repetitive outcomes, you do tend to feel less confident and less worthy. I felt like I am not worthy of his love and faithfullness and I often blamed myself, but after the last time of him cheating, I got the strength to realize it is nothing a woman does when her husband keeps cheating. I believe they have a problem if they honestly continue to do it over and over. And theres only so much any person could take. No woman should feel like a fool for trying to make their marriage last no matter how many times they may get played in the situation. It is difficult to even think about being with another person and trusting another man. To be quite honest, Ive lost hope in the whole “There are good men out there” Im sure there are but they are probably taken.

    • Jewels May 30, 2011, 10:27 PM

      Hello Nato,

      Don’t blame yourself, the only thing you did was love your husband to the fullest. But you know it’s time to leave when he does it repeatedly. When he does it more than once, HE has a serious problem. And most women end up feeling horrible. You have to treat your feelings and emotions as the most sacred and important emotions in the world. And when you don’t feel good about yourself in the presence of your husband on a consistent basis, then it’s time to re-evaluate your life. I know this blog makes it seem that there are no good men out there, but I think there are. I can’t even imagine dating as well. I will one day, but next time it will be all on my terms. I will be my true self, and not let anyone direct me on a path that I don’t want. You’re right, you can be the perfect woman, and if he thinks he can get away with cheating, some men will just do it. They will try to blame you, but that is there own insecurities, you can’t make no one cheat – period. You will find someone again, but you have to believe in finding someone again for it to happen, and I know it’s hard considering the circumstances. I wish you the best in your personal recovery.

  • jennifer July 6, 2011, 3:08 PM

    My husband has cheated on me with his kids mother. I have caught him twice now and I hate that it’s with someone like her. She’s the mother of his kids and will ALWAYS be there. I want to stay in my marriage, but how do I get over the fact that this is likly to happen again. I’ve been with my husband for the last 12yrs and have been married for 4. When we got married that’s when his ex started her campaign of “I want him back”.

    • Jewels July 6, 2011, 11:22 PM

      Hello Jennifer,

      You are right, the fact that he is cheating with the kids mother is difficult because every time he goes to get the kids, you are going to get that pit in your stomach wondering if they are doing something. Now you are probably not going to like what I have to say, and of course it is only my opinion, but the fact that you caught him twice is not good. It is already tough enough to survive cheating 1 time, twice?? Very difficult. So you get over the fact that this could happen again by realizing that this could happen again. I know that I stayed in my marriage because I didn’t want the OW to win. But finally I had to realize that if I left the marriage, my husband is going to lose. There is a reason that he left the kids mother, those reason’s didn’t disappear, they are just not as obvious right now. If you really want the marriage to survive, your husband has to step up big time and prove that he will not do this again. How can he do that? Give you access to his phone/email (not for you to check everyday, but occasionally), go to counseling together, work hard to understand how this impacted you and be open to helping you. If he is not willing to do all three things (yes I am tough on him because he did this twice already), you are going to be fighting for your marriage alone, which I don’t recommend :). Take Care.

  • Jennifer July 7, 2011, 12:59 PM

    Jewels thanks for your responds. My husband and I talked this morning and I had to confess that the first two times I never really FORGAVE him and he knew it. I was always going threw his mail/email and reading his text messages when he wasn’t around. I DON’T want to live like that ANYMORE!! How can I begain the healing process when I’m not really trying to heal? Someone had written about the “other relationship” beginning fake and only fantasy. If you have to sneak around and lie what’s real about that. The two f’s won’t pay the bills, keep food in the house or a roof over your head. I really don’t know where we’re going from here, but I know I’ll be okay either way(if he stays or leave)because I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me when we talked this morning. Please don’t read this thinking I’m letting him off the hook and he’s the victim, but I had to look at myself first. How can anyone make a cake without the eggs? I said I forgave him when I really didn’t. He choose me not her. Like you said she’s his ex for a reason. I’m glad you started this blog because it has really HELPED me!!!

    • Jewels July 7, 2011, 10:14 PM

      Great news Jennifer. I don’t think you are letting him off the hook, I think for the first time you realized that you have some growing area’s from a relationship standpoint. And that is a huge milestone that I don’t talk about that much, but when you get to the point where you can realize your own faults in the relationship without downing yourself or cutting through your self-esteem, or blaming yourself for the affair – that is a huge personal recovery milestone! You and your husband have alot of work to rebuild your marriage, and I really wish you the best, whatever you decide to do. I am glad the site helped!!

      -Jewels

  • Betrayed July 8, 2011, 4:39 PM

    I just found out that my husband has been having an affair with a truly “trash” girl from work. I found out by accident with an email on his phone when I came home from work last Thursday. I’ve never hurt so much, except with the loss of my dad. We had a strong relationship and friendship, never thought this would happen to me, but here I am.

    We went to a counselor today to see if it is savable… well, she had said that it is or he wouldn’t be sitting here today. Yes, the mistress took feelings but she didn’t take them all. In that session, my husband denies it was a sexual relationship, it was only emotional. I’ve been with him since 1983 and I had hunches over the year and he even said that I was right when I asked him.

    Let me ask everyone out there…. He’s been involved since May of 2010… He cosigned for a $10,000 credit card for her, gave her earrings for her birthday (I got nothing but a card), and he says that he gave her about $1,000 in cash. He felt so guilty that he called the relationship over back in November, but it rekindled in March of this year. He said we were having fun again and that he needed to end the relationship.

    My Question…. no sex? Really, do you think I’m that stupid…

    • Jewels July 8, 2011, 11:48 PM

      Hello,

      You know your husband best, so it’s hard to tell if what he is saying is true. But from the outside looking in (so take it with a grain of salt), most men don’t cosign for a 10,000 credit card for an ‘emotional’ relationship. I feel he is doing what most men do in this situation, which is deny deny deny. Yes, the pain of finding out an affair is a gut wrenching pain, cuts to the core of your being, unfortunately women are experiencing this everyday, so don’t feel you are alone. That is good that you started counseling, it’s a first step. Healing the trust is the biggest factor as to whether or not a marriage will survive. First you have to see if he is really committed to making things work, which might include doing things he is not use to. Then you have to see if he has action behind it. Marriage after the affair can be repaired, but it takes a great deal of effort on both parties, it can be just you trying and he just sits in for the ride. You mentioned something about him saying he was ‘having fun’ with her. That really gets to me, because if we had nothing more in life to do but cater to our husbands, boy we would be fun as hell!! That is what the OW does, just sits there and has sex and fun with him. Meanwhile, we have to clean the house, deal with kids, cook, pay bills, etc. No that’s not fun and yes we are tired sometimes, but that is the marriage life, it’s not fun all the time, and just because it’s not fun all the time doesn’t give you a ‘cheat for free’ card. Marriage is hard work but the reward is much more than a short-term fun time. Ah…I wish I could really get in the heads of our husbands and tell them this….I wish you best of luck with your recovery!

  • Tanya July 12, 2011, 7:37 PM

    I recently found out my husband is having an affair. He got in contact with his high school sweetheart in January of this year. It wasn’t physical because we live in different states. In April we were visiting family and after many promises to me that he wouldn’t sleep with her I found out that he did. I am so confused as to if I should stay or if I should leave. I don’t know. Right now I can’t leave. Mostly financially and he’s telling me that he still loves me and he’s not planning on leaving anywhere. We even have our days like nothing happened. But he says he can’t let her go that he loves her too. They call and text each other all the time even in front of me before. Now after a few big fights he doesn’t talk or text to her in front of me. I feel stuck and trapped plus we just adopted a baby. It was finalized in June. It’s like he’s still cheating.

    • Jewels July 12, 2011, 11:44 PM

      Hello Tanya, sorry to hear about your situation. From what I am reading, he is still seeing her, but you can leave because of finances. I was in the same boat. I stopped focusing on my husband, and all his craziness with this other woman. I started focusing on me and how the heck I would leave considering my money situation (I don’t have any family close). I told myself everyday even though I couldn’t see it for myself that I will leave and find a stable place to leave, and I will come out of this experience stronger and wiser than ever before. I started to save little by little, it took me a year, but eventually I was in the position to leave. Now I will be the first to tell you it wasn’t easy, I took a financial hit big time, but my happiness and peace of mind grew. I had a small child as well, and I was scared of raising a child alone, but during that period that I was ‘trying to figure out’ how to leave, me and my husband switched responsibilities watching our kids, some days were his, some were mine. I realize after the fact that those times alone really prepared me to leave. Again during that time period, no focus on him. He was a lost cause, there was nothing I could do to get him to see the light, and I was tired of trying (Sound familiar). For you, I know you can see a way out right now, but start to tell yourself there is a way out, force yourself to think about how you can leave and eventually, resources will start to appear that you never saw before that would be willing to help.

      **If you actually do this, be prepared, after things so south with the ‘other woman’ or when he actually sees that you act like you ‘don’t care’ anymore, then he will get very nervous and claim he will start to act right, but by that time, it’s typically too late. your mind is made up. Best of luck to you.

  • Jennifer July 14, 2011, 7:31 PM

    This past weekend was really HARD for me and I cried ALOT. My husband said he thought I should move out. I didn’t fight him even though my feelings were hurt and the night before we had the BEST sex we have had in a loooooooooooooooooooong time!! When we married I moved into his house. FINE, I’ll move!! Last Friday I didn’t sleep in the bed with him and on Sat I started to pack my stuff. He got so MAD!! I asked WHY!! He didn’t reply and just stomp around the house. I stopped packing and so far it seems like we are working on things. I don’t have my rings on and at first it felt really wired. That’s another story. Jewels in one of your blogs you said make “time for yourself” I did that this past weekend. It was the BEST!! I didn’t clean the house or cook anything. Me and the dog just hung out. I don’t know if my husband is playing a game or if he really wants to work things out but I’m starting to save money in case I have to move for REAL. I am proud of myself for not going threw his stuff. Like I said before I DON’T want to live like that. Snooping threw his things when he’s not around and I must confess it has not been easy!!! But I keep saying TRUST him and his ex is his ex for a reason!! I let him know that I felt like she was playing a game and I was getting played and that STOPS right NOW. She REALLY thinks I broke-up a HAPPY home that was already broken when I came into the picture a year later!! When she sent him a text, she really said that. I told him: I’m here, she’s NOT, I’m your wife, she’s NOT!! She’s not going anywhere but that doesn’t mean you have bang her!!

    • Jewels July 14, 2011, 10:57 PM

      Hello Jennifer,

      This past weekend was eventful for you. I am SO glad you made time for you. It is beneficial in so many ways. Mentally it causes you to make YOU a priority. It causes your husband to see this and eventually understand that you are not going to accept any kind of treatment, and that you are perfectly capable of being happy alone. And it also give you time to be one with your thoughts, which is probably why the crying came out. That is actually a good thing, it almost like releasing some pent up emotions.

      Another major milestone is not acting on looking through his stuff all the time and that you are creating your ‘stash’ for potential move out. You seem to be doing all the right things. As far as sex, just be careful with your feelings, especially with good sex – you know sex can sometimes make everything feel so good, until the morning :) Take care – I am happy to hear you are making some progress, thanks for sharing!

  • Jules July 15, 2011, 9:59 AM

    I found out 2 months ago my husband of 24 years has been in an affair. This affair was based on their tales of their miserable marriages, she is married with children too. I was very angry but then looked at myself and what had been our marriage lately. At first he blamed me then he admitted he never took the time to talk to me about his needs and wants in our marriage. One month later he moved out and I was devastated. Three weeks later he asked to move home, he did and on the 2nd day I questioned him on his meeting up with the other women at his gym. He became angry and left again. Two days later he showed up and has been home since. Right now things are at a stand still, we get along, we chat, we are parenting but we have not discussed where our marriage is going. We also have overseas houseguests for 2 weeks, crazy busy life. I am in therapy and on a low dose of Zoloft for situational depression and anxiety. He is dealing with anxiety and what I think is midlife crisis. I love my husband and when we are away from our home we get along great. Except for our sex life, that has stopped.
    I need suggestions on how to proceed, my therapist said to be honest and let him know I want a new marriage, we need to start over and we need to talk and come up with a marital path. He does tend to stress easily and is not happy that he is now 50.
    I am working on me and my self confidence. My anxiety comes from knowing I want to talk to him and right now I keep pushing that aside. I keep thinking, why is he here?

    • Jewels July 17, 2011, 10:08 PM

      Hello Jules,

      I get the feeling that you want to talk to your husband, but you don’t know how he would react? There is some fear associated with you bringing the affair up and you have to think about why that may be. There are some emotions that both of you have to get through and those emotions may include some intense conversations.

      You are in what I call the ‘limbo’ stage, where you are a little ‘lifeless’ in the marriage, not knowing whether to stay or leave. You are in a tough spot because a part of you is thinking ‘is he here to save the marriage or just because things didn’t work out with her?’ but you feel uncomfortable talking to him about this. I know you mentioned that you were in therapy, is he willing to go into marriage counseling? That might help get some answers for you. I am glad you are working on you, great move. I wish you the best.

  • Ann8 July 18, 2011, 9:02 PM

    My husband of 27 years cheated on me 14 years ago. I found out 7 years ago when his sister asked me for my address so she would have a reference for her Social Security. She gave the adddress to the women that he cheated with and a few days later the The Attorney Generals office sent him a request to submitt to a DNA test. I had no clue his sister had done this. Now he denied the whole thing he saying he didin’t know who this person was acted unconcerned I made him respond to the request. He didn’t even know her real name so called. Thank goodness I made him respond or we would have had to get a lawyer to take the child support off. Because the child was not his. Know he made no objection when I said I would go with him to see who was accussing him until the morning of. He said waiting on the kids school bus was going to make him late. Now I only know of this one women by the way who was sleeping with lots of men even on their job. He met her through his cousin’s girlfriend it was her daughter. The way he startied acting when all this happened made start thinking even before everything came down on me was this the only women in question. If he didn’t know who this lady was how many were there, see my husband spent many years accusiing me of cheating. When every time there were problemss like this it was always him in question. But this time I had no doubt he keep lying saying he didn’t do anything and that another cousin who dated this women made her name him as the father. This child is a year younger than our late child and has the same birthday. i was just continually devasted. Then he told me his sister said I was no good. I sayed at home let him isolate me from everything. Kept to myself while his siter was oout sleeping with everybody in our small town. Now he is in midlife crisis and accussing me of cheating with half the men in this small town and has devastated the whole family saying I have to leave he cant’t leave with a whore and anything else you can name I have been trying to hang in there but I cant’t. I am unsure about how to go about leaving I need my job and he is makine me more miserable by the day. I have two kids left at home and I have failing eye sight and don’t know what to do.

    • Jewels July 19, 2011, 11:18 PM

      Hello Ann,

      Two red flags with your story that I want you to focus on. Him accusing you of cheating is a big red flag for me. That is a sign that he is projecting his own insecurities onto you, my husband did the same thing big time. And I wasted so much of my life trying to prove to him that I wasn’t cheating, that I isolated myself, which is the second red flag in your story, that you let him isolate you from everything. Here is the good news, we have the power to change our circumstances. Just because you let him isolate you in the past, doesn’t mean he can continue to do so. As far as him constantly accusing you, now that you know that he is just projecting his own shame for cheating (seriously, your husband accusing you of cheating is probably in the top 3 of every book on how to tell if your husband is cheating). So now that you know the game he is playing, don’t play back. If he accuses you, don’t let it get to you, just secretly think if your head that he is telling on himself big time, but don’t say that, because I don’t want you to use your energy arguing with him, because he is not going to change his mind (Trust me – my husband to this day says that I cheated as well!!). Next, start to get out of the house more. I know you are afraid of hearing more of him mouth about cheating, but honestly, if he accuses you of being a ‘whore’ and cheating when you are in the house all day watching your kids nothing will satisfy him in that area, so you might as well go out and have some fun, he is going to have the same line whether you stay in and go out. Don’t worry about not having any friends, start to think about going out more and the friends will come. But get out of the house. Lastly, it seems you want to leave but not sure where to start. Is there a correlation between your husband and your job? Leaving your husband is overwhelming, but you can do it. For you personally, I would just take the next month or two and start to think about what life would look like without him being your husband. Where would you live, how would you pay bills, how much his child support would be. Just start to think about it. No need to rush, especially with kids. So next time he takes you there, start to focus on how you are going to leave. That should help you until you officially decide what you want to do. Best of luck!!

  • Ann8 July 20, 2011, 8:33 PM

    Thank you so much your words are subtle and to the point a perspective I needed to see. I have asked other for help and the have given me good advice it just something about seeing it in writing that has hit home. I have thought about leaving my husbnd years be fore now be cause of his lack of sensitivity toward me and the kids and when I found out he cheated on I was done I was not working at the time and felt stuck now even with this job I feel stuck. but I have been looking into getting out for months has been doing this for almost two years just lately it’s everyday. His socalled friends are telling him lies daily about me beacuse he goes looking for it. I feel so impowered by your adivce once again thank you. God Bless you!

    • Jewels July 22, 2011, 4:54 AM

      Thanks Ann8, glad I could help, you take care, reach out anytime.

  • Liz July 24, 2011, 9:39 AM

    My husband has worked and lived out of town for the past 4 years. He was home on all weekends. The past 15 years he had travelled extensively with his work also. So the burden of raising a child and keeping the household running was on me. I was a working mother also so it hasn’t been easy. In April he was transferred home and I knew it would be difficult after so many years to live together again. I was determined for it to work though. Then one day about a month ago I came upon a chat of his (he’s not very computer savvy and left it open) that made it perfectly clear that something was going on with a woman from that town. I immediately went to my lawyer who was also my maid of honor, she convinced me not to make any decisions that night. When he came home that night I told him what I thought of him… and told him to check the chat which I left open just in case he wanted to continue his conversation. He was devastated, remorseful and promised that it means absolutely nothing and that she means nothing and that he would explain when things were calmer. Their words were sweet, he says pay no attention. It means nothing, I adore you, want to grow old with you… blah blah blah. I can’t understand how words can be so lovey dovey yet the person means nothing. I approached him the other day asking him to explain how that is. Now he doesn’t want to discuss it. He wants us to put this behind us, what I have discovered in all of this is that I am still in love with him and am trying to put this behind me. Our sex life has come to life – from the dormant situation that we had before. I’m tempted to try to find out more about her, I’ve already made some connections – it doesn’t matter who she is, I realize that but I want to have the whole story. Should I leave it alone?

    • Jewels July 26, 2011, 12:01 AM

      Hello Liz, welcome to the blog. Your sex life has been revived!! That was totally opposite of my experience, but glad you are getting that good lovin again. It is very very typical for men to want to ‘put the situation’ in the past, and just ‘move on with life’. But as women, we are not wired that way, and it takes time for us to understand and heal, and your husband has to understand that. The more he keeps telling you to ‘move on’ the more you are going to want to know about the situation. Your question of – should you leave it alone – YES…..BUT, your husband has to be a participant in helping you with that, and telling you to ‘put it behind us’ isn’t going to help. The problem is that when he doesn’t want to answer any questions about the situation, you get real curious and your mind starts boiling into you have created this wild, crazy, sexy affair with a porn star!! So if there is anyway that you can tell your husband that this situation is very difficult for you, and while it’s easy for him to move on, you can’t do that with the drop of a dime because the foundation of trust in the marriage is shattered, and the only way to rebuild it is one small step at a time. So each time he does anything to validate trust, it’s a drop in the bucket. If he does that enough times, the marriage will start to grow, and your need to know all the details of the affair will be diminished. I hope this helps!!

  • Sheila July 24, 2011, 9:19 PM

    I have been married for nearly 30 yrs to a man that has cheated on me more than once. I know of 3 different woman…but I think there has been dozens that I know nothing about. I am getting tired of the covering up to make everything appear as if we are happy. I have turned a blind eye cause I didn’t want to face it. I have left once and I am leaving tomorrow to stay with my brother in an area where I want to live and find work. I know I can never live in the same town as he does because moving out once and living in the same town didn’t work. He only wore me down to move back in saying he had changed. less than 10 years later and here we go again.

    • Jewels July 26, 2011, 12:06 AM

      Hello Sheila, it seems that you are at a stage in your life where you don’t have time for the games anymore. I think going to stay with your brother is a good move, it will give you some alone time so you can think through your next steps for what you want to do with your life. You are under no obligation to cover up anything for him, I felt the same exact way, like I had to protect him from the world. I don’t feel that way anymore, he is a grown man, doesn’t matter what people say about him, he is a grown man and should be able to take it. You will be fine, as long as you remember your strength and the power within you to leave and life life not accepting repetitive behavior life this from anyone. Best of luck to you.

  • Liz July 27, 2011, 2:11 PM

    Hi Jewels, thank you for your insight. I’m trying hard here. LOL amazing sex, maybe I should thank her if I ever see her =)

    I’ve been to the island he was on during the past summers, I know who she is by name and association, I don’t remember if I’ve ever met her though. He doesn’t know I know though. We’re going there next week, I’m looking forward to watching him squirm, he will probably bend over backwards to make sure an accidental meeting is avoided. Knowing me, I’ll probably do everything possible to be in places I think she’ll be.

    I’m going to try to avoid the subject altogether, there is no way he’ll talk about it unless he decides he wants to. Isn’t it amazing though how women in this situation are walking on eggshells instead of the other way around??

    • Jewels July 28, 2011, 4:13 AM

      Hi Liz, I hope you have fun on the islands! Yes, it is very interesting that we are the ones walking on eggshells instead of our husbands, what is that? They should feel so bad about what they did that they are just distraught. And that is rarely the case, we are the ones that are trying to figure this out. Not sure why that is. Maybe our husbands don’t think of cheating as a big deal, maybe they are on eggshells but don’t want to show it or admit it. I know that many men act arrogant about it, UNTIL we walk out, then sometimes they start acting like they are devastated, by that time, it’s too late! I know next week your husband is going to try to act cool, even though he will be nervous. Let me know how things go, take care.

  • Sandy-Sue July 28, 2011, 10:21 AM

    Hi Jewels, Interesting that you mention the following in your post to Lucia….
    “Maybe our husbands don’t think of cheating as a big deal, maybe they are on eggshells but don’t want to show it or admit it. I know that many men act arrogant about it, UNTIL we walk out, then sometimes they start acting like they are devastated, by that time, it’s too late!”
    My husband has been acting as if it’s no big deal for the past 7 months. Other than going to counseling, he’s been doing very little, if anything really, to show remorse and help to rebuild the trust after devastating our 24-year marriage (now 25 since our anniversary was a few weeks ago, 6 months after D-Day….and no ‘over and above’ actions from him to make it very special).
    So, I am leaving this weekend! We have an RV and I am going to live in it for a while. When I told him I thought we needed a separation, and asked him to leave back in late April after finding a 2nd order of flowers on the credit card statement (how nice he had finally bothered to send me some almost 4 months after D-Day; and the 2nd order went to a DIFFERENT girl than his affair partner whom he had not seen since February…????)….he asked for 90-days. And here we are at the end of 90-days, and still nothing is better! It seems to be all about me “getting over it” (no, he doesn’t use those exact words, it’s the attitude, you know).
    Anyway, when I leave this weekend, I guess I’ll see if he’s devastated….or relieved. Either way, I have got to move on with my life!….for my own health and sanity! This has been killing me…and affecting my job, my relationships with my friends and even our children. I just haven’t been myself the past 7 months….and it is startig to show! And you are right — even if he is devastated, it is probably just too late!!

    • Jewels July 29, 2011, 2:45 AM

      Good for you Sandy-Sue, glad you are putting yourself first!! Your health and everything else will start to turn around. It’s crazy how the stress of this experience impacts you on so many levels. He might not act devastated at first. My husband didn’t. And he never ran to me crying on my shoulders begging me to stay, but I knew he was hurt, I could tell by his actions. I could tell because he tried to talk to me and get us to work it out. We do so much for our men, once we leave, the house is not the same, things don’t happen like they should, the ‘nurturing’ part of the relationship is gone, and they realize they made a mistake. I know you were devastated all over again when you saw that order of flowers. It hurts so bad when you find out the husband that wanted to ‘work things out’ is still playing games. I know I was totally devastated when I found out he was still cheating after he saw how hurt I was the first time. Anyways, good luck with your move, we are all wishing you strength and success!!

  • Sandy-Sue July 29, 2011, 9:56 AM

    Yes, it has been one devastation after another during this roller-coaster game. My D-Day was 12/28/10 and as I mentioned in the previous post, last time he saw his “other woman” (who is/was a stripper) was in February…
    In April, I actually caught him outside a strip club when he couldn’t make it to counseling because of jury duty (around the same time as the flowers) — I drove by after I finished counseling; in May when he went to an individual counseling session, and then ‘stopped for a beer across town’….which he admitted, and means he stopped at the strip club.
    I don’t even know why I’ve wasted these past few months. When I left him 4 years ago (not because of cheating, just marital unhappiness and differences), he begged for counseling and he couldn’t live without me, etc. etc. I was gone about 7-8 months, with us going to counseling and dating each other again….I guess I thought I should give at least that much time to gauge the effort of rebuilding. However, the man that loved me so much and just couldn’t live without me…..seems to be gone forever! So sad…:(
    I’ve told him more than once that if I knew he was going to pull ‘this’ after just a few short years, I would have NEVER came back!

    • Jewels July 31, 2011, 12:13 AM

      Sandy-Sue,
      It’s strange when men do that whole ‘I don’t want to lose you, it was just sex, I want to work things out’ and then continue to cheat. It’s like COME ON…….stop playing with our minds like that. I am sure you will never go back this time.

  • Jules July 29, 2011, 4:50 PM

    What to do with a husband who asked to move home after he left, then will not communicate! He asked that I give him time, well enough time already. He has been back for over 3 weeks. I just found his pot stash, which shocked me as this man is a super health nut. I know he does not sleep but what other things is he hiding? There are moments when I see my man I have known for 27 years and see warmth in his eyes. Then just the coldness and won’t touch me.

    So right now I am seriously considering hiring a PI because he has hidden things so well. He confessed to the affair in mid May when I cornered him and it was just my gut telling me. I am also considering re-joining his gym as I know this is where it began, when they came together because of their miserable marriages. I know this is NOT my fault and I am not the cause of his unhappiness.

    I need suggestions and ice breaking words to use to get the communication flowing. Right now the anger has set in for me, I no longer have that horrible pit in my stomach and the shock. Now I am starting to take care of me and go out with friends again. But this no communication thing on his part is causing me to now not sleep and it is time he grew up and face what we have right now

    • Jewels July 31, 2011, 12:23 AM

      Jules,

      That’s great you don’t have that shock and horrible pit in your stomach. It’s hard to share with you something to say to get him to open up because he is not communicating, and we don’t know why. It could be because he is hiding something, it could be because he is depressed, who knows. The thing you have to consider is what do you want him to say when he does talk. If you want him to openly confess every lie and everything he did while cheating, that is probably not going to happen. I wouldn’t want you to spend a good amount of time trying to ‘get him’ to open up because once his does, you might not like what comes out.

      The positive things about him not talking is that you can tell him your intentions without a fight. You can tell him that you gave him 3 weeks of ‘time’ to communicate, and that is enough time. Tell him it’s not fair to you to put your life on hold to wait for him, when he had no consideration for your life and feelings when he decided to cheat. Tell him what you need, tell him the time frame. Tell him what will happen if he doesn’t do those things. You can say this very calmly, and if he doesn’t want to say anything in return, fine. He can’t ever said that you gave it a try. It takes two very hard working and committed people to rebuild a marriage, and if one isn’t talking, it makes recovery and progress almost impossible.

  • Liz July 30, 2011, 4:58 AM

    … we’re going to the island tomorrow … I don’t even want to begin to think about how I’m going to feel once we get there. I know I’ll be checking everyone out, wanting to get introduced by friends to the women I don’t already know there just in case I catch the name of ‘the other woman’. I know she’s the mom of a friend of my son. My husband doesn’t know that I know that though. It is going to be a trying 4 days. I can already feel my stomach tightening into many knots. I hope I can keep my morbid curiosity from seeking her out because I don’t think I would confront her. Did I mention that my husband told me that he hasn’t told her I found out? He says it’s because it’s not important enough to bother with, that could be partially true but i think the real reason is that he is embarrased to. It was bad enough that I found out, for her to find out that I know makes the whole thing look like a bad romance novel.

    • Jewels July 31, 2011, 12:28 AM

      Liz,

      Good luck with your trip. Interesting that he hasn’t told her yet. Are you comfortable with that? If I were you, I would be thinking, if she doesn’t know yet, what is preventing her from still reaching out to your husband in the same manner that she was before? And what is preventing him from not continuing the affair? I am really not trying to create another knot in your stomach, just giving you something to think about. Make sure you have some fun on this trip!!! It seems like such a stress, you have to get some fun in there somehow!!

  • sue July 31, 2011, 6:14 PM

    last night I finally accused my husband of cheating. We have been married for 30 years. Last night he actually had me saying I was sorry. It had been going on accoding to him for a year and a half. I know I have some issues that need to be worked out, but like you said he didnt even take any of the “credit” for the affair. It was all my fault. I will be starting councling soon to try and deal with my issues. And he has agreed to councling also but I feel he is just doing this to bide his time. I dont get a feeling that he realy wants to work things out. He lied to me for over a year and a half. I just dont know what to believe any more. I have decided a couple of things. I am starting a savings account that he will not know about. I figure if this is going to end I am going to be prepared. I need money for 1st and last month rent, new furniture including a bed. I dont want anything around that he had a descion in buying. I know this sounds like I am giving up. but I want to be able to stand on my own 2 feet when and if I have to. and if it turns out he is not just biding his time and we work this out. then I guess we can take a surprise vaction with the money I will have saved. LOL any way I just wanted to thank you for your e book. It helped me to see why I am feeling the way that I am.

    • Jewels August 1, 2011, 12:23 AM

      Thanks Sue, glad the ebook helped you! Sorry to hear about your husband. I know he had you saying sorry, but you did nothing wrong. Most of them play this game of blaming us so that they can deny the conversation to us about there own faults. It’s sad that they would go to those measures but they do. I think it is very wise of you to start saving up money to leave, I wish I would of started saving up sooner. And you are right, if things end up working out, then you have money for a vacation, but just in case it doesn’t, you are prepared. Take Care!

  • Sam August 2, 2011, 6:08 PM

    I just found out that my husband (married since april 16th this year) heated on me for 2 years on and off with my only sister i dont know what to do we have a 2 year old son the cheating stopped 9 months ago but i feel so betrayed how could i ever get over this ,…..my own sister

    • Jewels August 4, 2011, 12:14 AM

      Hello Sam, sorry to hear about your situation. Double betrayal. I think everyone involved will need counseling, I hope that you, your husband, and sister are in a position to get it. Right now, I would like you to focus on you. Not your husband, not your sister. They both did something very hurtful, and I am not sure if they are in a place right now to help you heal. But your own body knows what you need, and if you spend some time and try to relax without all of the troubles of the world, I think you will have peace, even if only a moment in time. Remember, you did nothing wrong, they are both going to have to live with what they did, and trust me, you don’t have to be angry or mad for them. If your husband is really sorry, tell him that you need him to step up and watch your son a little bit more while you process this. Again, I recommend therapy, this is too difficult of a situation to try to handle alone. Even if no one else wants to do it, if you have an opportunity, go yourself, I doubt you will regret it. I wish you the best.

  • Liz August 5, 2011, 3:49 PM

    Hi, the trip was uneventful. My husband didn’t leave my side except for a couple of hours when he went to visit his old colleagues. I was on the beach most of the day. I spoke with a male friend of mine about him not telling her. My reaction was the same as yours, his viewpoint is quite different. He says that if he tells her then he’s opening a can of worms with her, letting her know what’s happening in his home. Would let her stick her toe in the door so to speak.

    • Jewels August 8, 2011, 1:25 AM

      Thanks for the update, interesting perspective from your husband’s friend, maybe it’s a man thing? Take Care.

  • Jules August 6, 2011, 12:25 PM

    So what to do next? May 14 2011 I discovered my husbands affair, I asked and he told me all about it. He blamed me, our marraige, etc. etc. Told me he was in love with her, loved me but not in love with me etc. It was horrible, fast forward he moved out June 14th and asked to move home 3 weeks later. I find out he is still seeing her and he will not tell me who it is. Then 2 weeks ago he tells me he ended with her, could not handle the stress and anxiety, etc. He is still not the same, home every night but very cold, standoffish. I find his secret phone and account a week ago, get the phone and now have texts and phone number. He lied, still in contact and I had the number traced and it is who I suspected months ago. Again he lied, denied, etc… Now he has come clean. So I call her, leave a message, no call back. Call our dentist to make appt. for my son, well she is the hygenist. No wonder husband switched dentists over a year ago and kinda freaked when I switched myself and our boys. So now this women calls my husband accusing me of harrassing her at home and work. Yep I called her home and hung up several times. But wow, our Dentist? Hubbie came to her defense and I laid into him. He again told me he did not want to give up on us, our marriage but I am not feeling or seeing a whole lot of groveling or work on his part. He then told me she let him know that she wanted a man with a backbone, one who could commit and his not leaving me, his wife spoke volumes. So she broke up with him. Also that she confessed to her husband and she was afraid I would be calling him. Then my husband adds this side note threat of if you call her husband you could enable me to go back to her.

    Wow, just wow. So I point blank asked him, so now are you packing up and going to her now that she has told her husband? He tearfully told me No, he is wanting to stay and not give up on us. So I wrote him a letter outlining my needs for us and what we need to discuss. Absolutely no comment from him, he is self employed but still no excuse not to acknowledge. He did leave with our oldest for 2 days of mountain biking. But still no excuses.
    So last night I texted the secret phone asking where it was and is it still active. I told him I need re-assurance. To top all this off I had to run into her on Friday, she is older and not attractive at all, just skinny. So it was definetly not a physcial attraction as my husband is all about his looks and his rock hard body. Matter of fact he is a little over obsessed on aging, adding more vitamins daily to his regime.
    So not sure what to do next. My dear friends want to go to this womens home and support me while I speak my mind to her. But I say No, I don’t want to give her any ounce of me, she is not worth it. They say I need to call or go to her husbands office, he is a Dentist in our community. I said No.

    I do like their one idea, as of Sunday night he confesses all, complete honesty on any actions, communication, meeting with her since he moved back home, his choice to move home. This is his one opportunity for complete honesty. I suspect he saw her Friday morning as I have at&t family map on him and this one location did not make sense.
    It has been just 3 months since I found out about the affair and he moved out on 6/14 and home 3 weeks later.

    What should be my next steps? I need to become stronger as I need to respect myself. Is he normal, wants to be here but acts like a hurt animal. He never asks how I am doing. Part of me just wants to pack up and disappear for a couple of days but my attorney said not to leave our house. Maybe I just am not home Sunday evening when he gets home, let him guess more? Help!

    • Jewels August 8, 2011, 1:34 AM

      Hello Jules, interested to know why your attorney asked you to stay (is it because of abandonment?).

      Anyways, your husband has go to step up. Yes he is hurt, but the person that is cheated on hurts more. He should be driving the affair recovery. He should be calling the therapists or reading books into how to make this work. He has to make you feel that you are together not because she broke up with him, but because he wants to be with you.

      I personally wouldn’t worry about talking to your hygienist (I would go to another dentist!) and having a talk with her. i know it feels like you need that, but to be honest, I have not heard any good things that come out of talking to the OW. If the conversations happens to take place, great, but I wouldn’t plan a trip to her house. Like you said, I would focus on becoming more stronger within yourself, once you do that, the answers get easier.

  • Lisa August 9, 2011, 12:46 PM

    Sue: All men twist the blame to us because the are weak and don’t want to be wrong! My husband did the same thing blaming me when it was his midlife crisis not mine. His actions not yours drove him to cheat! He has a brain he could have used it. Most men think with their penis and the brain later. This is what gets them into so much trouble! If it was the other way around you cheated on him he would have thrown you out of the house asap. Always a double standard! I have been married 23yrs and the last 4 my husband has been doing the Rep. Weiner stuff. Now he says he is an alcoholic which might be true but it’s still not an excuse! It will get better but it does take a long time. If you can save money great if your stuck like me it’s hard to save. So my husband sleeps on the couch because we have no other bedroom for him. He still wants to pay for everything but it would be nice if he want’nt here doing that.

    • Jewels August 9, 2011, 10:12 PM

      Thanks for the comment to Sue!. Only one thing that I want to mention to you Lisa, and that is this. I know you might feel totally stuck and that you can’t leave. But you have more options that you think. For the next week or two, just imagine that you are not stuck, what would that look like. For one week, do not tell yourself that you are stuck, say that you are in a position to leave, and watch what comes your way. I say that because I thought the same thing, I can not leave, there is no way I can get an apartment, etc. on my own. But there is a way, I am telling you. You mentioned in a previous post that you don’t work, that is fine, do some research on divorce and spousal support, he might be entitled to help you get back on your feet. Of course I am not a lawyer, all I am saying is that you have more options that you think, it is just a matter of opening your eyes just a little bit more, and exploring the possibilities. Best of luck, I hope everything works out.

  • katarina September 9, 2011, 4:46 PM

    My husband cheated, with a client – the first time it happened there was no penetration but everything else – this was 3 years ago. He was very remorseful. She is a married woman and chased him mercilessly.
    I found out the other day that he has been seeing her and had had sex with her several times, for about a year now. I confronted him. He lied and lied and lied.
    He has no libido, and low testosterone. He is also 43 with a stressful career. He says that she started chasing him again and he began having lunches with her several times a week. Her husband is very wealthy and she paid for everything – always. So the lunches led to sex.
    He is wanting me to believe that a large part of the times they were meeting he was trying to convince her that he loved me and wouldn’t leave me. He is very remorseful – says the sex was terrible – he was drunk every time it happened -he would never have sought an affair himself… blah, blah, blah.
    I am stuck here in my situation for a least another couple months. I am not sure what to do. I am angry and hurt and devastated. I have devoted my life to this man and my children.

    • Jewels September 9, 2011, 10:31 PM

      Hello Katarina,

      It’s good that your husband is remorseful, not good that this is the same women that was trying to get with him a couple of years ago. At this point, being sorry doesn’t do it. He needs to figure out why he is doing this and if he is serious, he needs to get therapy do help him understand his emotions, if he doesn’t, there is nothing that is facilitating growth, so my fear is a year later there is another “I’m Sorry”. If he is really sorry, he would jump at the chance to grow and understand why he did something so hurtful (marriage therapy would hopefully be beneficial as well). The second thing I will tell you is that no matter if you go or stay, remember devoting yourself to your husband without devoting to yourself first is a bad recipe (been there, done that). It should be more like, I am going to devote myself to making sure I am the best and happiest Katarina there is, and when I do that, I have enough life and energy to share with my husband and kids. That is so important. You are so important, and your feelings are as well. Take Care.

  • Damma September 14, 2011, 9:26 AM

    Jewels,
    Its my first time checking out this web but it has only comfirmed one thing to me. All men are the same and they are dogs.
    I am confused right now coz i have decided to give my life to Jesus Christ but my husband seems to be going the other way.
    I just found out that he has been asking some of his female employees to have sex with him in exchange of money… really?… am i that bad in bed… i am bitter right now coz everything he tells me seems to be a lie.
    Hey Damms, you know i cant perform well, it will be embarassing for me to have an affari, plus i take hyperntion pills every day, they reduce my libido, blah…blah…blah…

    Every lie has been told, we are married for five years now, and have 2 gorgious kids 3 & 1.
    I try mybest to be there for him but all he knows is accusing me for things that i have not even done and i have just realised that all the things he does, he is afraid i might be doing the same.
    I am bitter, bitter, bitter but suprisingly, i dont ever think of leaving seriously.
    He pretends to be a good man, he is caring, loving and his at home 80% of his free time but there are just many hidden skeletons in the closet.

    • Jewels September 15, 2011, 5:56 PM

      Hello Damma,

      I know the site makes it seem like there are no good men, but i assure you there are (even though the site makes it look that way). The reason I know is because I have interacted with men that have contacted me just as devastated, literally devastated. And as sad as it is, in some strange way it gives me hope that wow, there are husbands out there that never cheated and are going through the same emotions right now. But overall I get what you are saying.

      If you husband has been asking co-workers to have sex with him, I think he has a deeper problem that should be addressed. There is a reason that has nothing to do with you as to why he is doing this, he has to address that in order to help repair the marriage. And saying ‘It’s over, I won’t do it again’ wont cut it. He has a problem and until he admits it, he might not even see what he is really doing and the impact. That is just my 2 cents, I wish you well in your journey.

  • Patty September 14, 2011, 1:10 PM

    I have been married almost 7 years and my husband and I have 2 children. He also has 2 children from the previous relationship. Those kids I adore and they love me back. My husband has cheated on me several times. I have kicked him out and took him back in. He leaves for weeks and even months and I still take him back. He comes back telling me that he is going to change and I try to believe him. This time he has been gone for 8 months(the longest). I did not hear from him nor did he bother to call for holidays nor the kids birthdays.

    I texted him early August to let him know that I needed help to buy my son’s school uniforms and if he could help me. He texted back that he would come by that Tuesday to pick him up. I said okay. I feared he would not show up since he left my kids hanging all the time. But he showed up and took both of the kids. They were so excited.

    Anyways to make the story short, a week later I took him back. I am not going to lie but he seemed different. He talked to me and he told me that before he moved back in like all the other times, that we should get couseling because he didn’t want to loose me. He asked for forgiveness for cheating on me before. He said he wouldn’t do it again because he had a lot to loose. Well, it was three weeks of fun.

    I found out that he had a daughter early September. Now he has been ignoring me for the last week and I have not been able to confront him about it because he is hiding from me. The girl knows I know because I messaged her on facebook. I wanted to confirm that my husband was indeed her baby’s father. I wasn’t rude, I just wanted to know. She had a picture of the baby girl and my husband on her page. Now that picture is off. He knows I know that is why he is not answering my calls. I have been in a very sad mood so far. I was trying to make it work out AGAIN!!! Something always happens, but on behalf of him.

    • Jewels September 17, 2011, 1:03 PM

      Hello Patty, welcome to the site. Him leaving back and forth like that is no good for you and the kids. And I think deep down you know that, but the thought of actually not taking him back or actually getting a divorce is overwhelming. What I am about to say may be harsh, but I think you need to hear it. STOP expecting him to change. He has shown you time and time again that he will come into your life and leave – expect what he is showing you, not what you want. My husband is late for everything, I mean everything. Doesn’t matter how important the event, he will be late. It use to really get to me because I would always get my hopes up saying, this time he will be on time for his daughter’s Christmas play, this time he will be on time for parent-teacher conference. Sometimes I would literally cry because he would miss such important events. But me crying didn’t change him either. That’s because he will not change until he wants to change within himself. But here is the beauty in all of this, you have the ability to control your actions, which will force him to change. For instance, if you live in the US, you can do some free consultations with a divorce lawyer, just to get an understanding of what would happen in case you decide to do that, how would that impact you financially, the kids, etc. Your attitude will change slightly because you have more knowledge about how it works. Not telling you to get a divorce by any means, I just want you to have the knowledge, you will feel more empowered because of it. You can choose to not let him back in emotionally, meaning next time he calls trying to creep back in your life, say no thanks, you rather not engage with him. The kids are another story but just because he comes by to see his kids doesn’t mean you have to talk to him. And I know what I am saying is hard, especially if most of your life is dedicated to the kids, being with him might be your only outlet, if that is the case, get some more outlets (smile), join an organization, hang out with family/friends more, he can not be your single source, because he has proven not to be stable in that arena. If he creeps back in your life and he wants to have sex, say no, or make him use a condom. Tell him that you do not know where he has been and you need to protect yourself. He will be surprised by your actions because he will not be used to it, but it will show him that the games of the past are no longer acceptable. Lastly, I know him coming in and out of your life (especially now with another kid) has got to be utterly exhausting and painful, like you are replaying a bad movie over and over again. Your kids are probably feeling it as well. I know you mentioned that he always said he was up for counseling, I would recommend at the least you go to counseling for yourself as well as the kids if you can afford it, don’t wait on him. Matter of fact, if you ever do proceed with talking to a divorce lawyer (the first session is usually free), make sure he pays for counseling for you and the kids. You have been through so much already, I just don’t want you to set yourself up for disappointment again. Good luck to you.

  • Lisa September 16, 2011, 10:20 PM

    I know that feeling that every woman gets when she finds out that her husband cheated. Mine almost cost me my health and life. I couldn’t eat for 4-6 months without throwing up afterwards from the anxiety that I felt. My heart was pounding all the time and my heart just constantly felt like it was breaking. I lost 60lbs in a 1 year period and I only needed to loose 25. I became sickly skinny and fraile (no sleep for months, maybe 3hrs a night). Panic attacks were the norm everyday that I knew I had to see him. I was so stressed out from what he had done all I could do was cry for hours every time I came home from work. This robbed my boys of their mothers attention for years. I became depresses and suicidal. Then one day all the crying just stopped. I don’t know when it was but it just stopped. I am still with my husband but question myself all the time why! I don’t trust him but yet I stay with him because I don’t know nothing elese. Half my life has been with this man. I will always wonder what if?

    • Jewels September 17, 2011, 1:08 PM

      Hello Lisa,
      It’s tough, we stay for many reasons, most of those reasons I don’t think we consciously know many times. I am glad you are not suicidal as you were in the past, but at the same time, you are suppose to enjoy life, and enjoy the time with your husband, and it’s important for you to find out why you still do not trust him. That is huge. Is he doing things to show trust (like showing you his phone if asked, saying where he is), not in a way that is obsessive, but he has to earn trust back, and if he is not doing that, it will not give you the security you need to feel comfortable in the marriage. I think you are on the right track in asking yourself these questions, keep asking them, eventually the answer will present itself to you and you will know what to do from that point forward. Good luck in your journey.

  • Daisy September 21, 2011, 9:20 AM

    I just don’t understand what these men want…? Why get married, why have kids? I’ve been married only 1 1/2…he has lied to me like there is no tomorrow. This is his second marriage and you think that he would be better at it…yeah right!!! Thank goodness there are no kids involved. I found 2 numbers that he dialed early in the morning…and BEHOLD I googled the numbers ….numbers for escorts!!! He told me that his friend borrowed his cell and was trying to set up a bachelor party for a coworker. Even made his friend call me and to tell me this. By the way he has a gambling problem, major problem (more strain on the marriage). A few months later I found text message… asking “what are you wearing?” “Send me a pic.”

    He has like several email addresses that he claims that he uses for miscellaneous reasons. Well one of those email addressess had a pic uploaded (date noted at the bottom of pic- this year)…what an idiot.

    I finally found the courage to call up one of the numbers in his contacts. She was nice answered all my questions. She kept apologizing and felt bad. She wouldn’t tell me the extent of the relaitonship, but the fact that he contacted a “woman” was more than enough. OMG the lies he told her!!! Out of this world…made me laugh hard. Its just improper …wrong and totally violates our relationship. She told me that he doesn’t act like a married man and that he is very flirtateous. Something just snapped after I spoke to her. I told myself I deserve better. I need to take care of myself…I mean he could be sleeping around with so many woman…what if I catch something? Most importantly…WHY AM I IN THIS MARRIAGE FOR? WHAT AM I GET OUT OF THIS? Nothing but misery, disappointment and pain. I haven’t been with him that long and I have no kids. Makes my decision easier than some of the woman here…i know. Its just a shame that after all I have done for him …he would really want to just throw it all away.

    Each time I would confront him, he would have an excuse. No apologies, nothing. And yes I am guilty of coming back tohim again and again. But talking with that girl, made me realize something…. my husband had no respect for me or our relationship….ultimately THERE IS NO MORE TRUST. I want to be happy and healthy. LIFE IS TOO SHORT. I did what i could to get him help, but he didn’t want to change his ways of life. I’ve told him that I want a divorce and that he can figure his own life out. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

    I deserve better….AND LADIES I’M SO SORRY THAT YOU HAD TO ENDURE SUCH PAIN, CONFUSION AND DISAPPOINTMENT. This is not what marriage is suppose to be about. We need to be strong and take care of ourselves.

    • Jewels September 21, 2011, 5:21 PM

      Hello Daisy,
      Good for you!! I know it’s strange, it’s like you know that him having different email addresses is not right, but you want so bad not to think it is cheating that you believe him. My husband send messages to girls on myspace and facebook and it left a pit in my stomach, I knew something wasn’t right, but I so wanted to believe him when he said he was joking, etc.

      I really believe that if there is something that you need to know the universe keeps nudging at us, and if we don’t get it, it nudges harder, I think in your case the big nudge was talking to her. That was a defining moment for myself as well when i asked, what am I gaining out of this relationship…..most of my answers where pain and I said I can’t do this the rest of my life. Cheers to a better life!!

  • Daisy September 21, 2011, 9:34 AM

    oh…..p.s….

    I love him tremendously. We have shared some good times…had everything going for us…planning for a baby. AND now I have to figure out how to continue..emtionally I am a wreck, but I try to stay strong, I dont’ want to be in marriage with full of resentment and no trust. Support is also important. Can people change ? One thing i’ve learned from all this mess bottom line YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM AND ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD WON’T WORK EITHER.

    My life will go on. I demand happiness!!!

  • Tina September 28, 2011, 4:37 PM

    My husband of 15yrs has been having multiple affairs over the past year I was devasted I have stood by this man and have taken our marriage very serious. I don’t feel like a women anymore I feel as if he has taken everything from me. I confronted one of his lovers she said to me ‘I don’t regret anything we did we were having fun’ I mean how dare her! They tear my world apart over some damn fun! I’m still in the marriage and he is trying to regain my trust, but I’m so angry I just don’t know how to get past the hurt nI don’t understand why he did this. How do you move on from this and rebuild your marraige? How do I let go of this anger I have towards her and him? Its eating away at me. Is it normal to have more hate towards the other women than your husband? Its been 5mths and I’m still as mad I was when I found out. This is the worst pain ever!!!

    • Jewels September 29, 2011, 12:16 AM

      Hello Tina,

      Some women are immature (like the one that my husband cheated with, very young and just wanted someone to pay for her meals and go clubbing with). And immature women say immature things like what she said to you. Sometimes it surprises me that our grown men fall for it. You make a very good point about not feeling like a woman anymore, many women have said that. I think it comes from us attaching a huge part of our self worth in our family and our husbands. We are the wife, and there is a pride associated with that, so when they cheat, that is taken away from us in a severe way. I now realize that the key is that next time around, I will get that feeling of feeling like a woman myself ourselves first, from my own strength, and my partner should only compliment my strength, not be the center of it as it was in my situation. But that is a huge topic and I won’t get into much details about it, just something for you to think about.

      Getting over the anger is not something that I can tell you an answer in one posting, but it is a journey, and the first step is saying, from this point forward, I am going to focus on Tina first, how to make Tina happy, what Tina wants to do. Not in a selfish way but how can you really work on rebuilding a marriage when you are still dealing with so many emotions within yourself. If you want to try to work on the marriage, it is in your best interest to focus on what Tina is feeling and why Tina is feeling that way. I know it’s SO much easier said than done, but I focus on this so much because while you are being angry, he is going out golfing and that does upset me because you should be the one out and he should be feeling bad for what he did, but instead we take on all the anger and pain for the relationship and that is not fair.

      Also realize that you can not heal hurt or anger until you pinpoint where it is coming from, and that is a major block that many women have in recovery. If you just feel angry, but can not pinpoint why because your emotions are all over the place, then you probably have some more self-reflection to do. You can not heal a broken bone until you locate where the broken bone is. If you just told the doctor ‘ouch’ it would be hard for him to help.

      So how do you find out what is causing you such pain? You find out how to heal the pain from writing, from spending time alone, and from questioning yourself and your actions. A therapist might be able to speed up the process, but essentially the first step is to spend time focusing on your thoughts at a deeper level and sorting out all the emotions in your head. Once you pinpoint the source of the anger through self-reflection, you will be in a better position to release that pain. Take Care.

  • Louise September 28, 2011, 6:55 PM

    Tina I can empathise with you. My husband also described his experience with one of his other women as “fun”. It hurts to the core that they can say such hurtful things not probably thinking that it hurts. I am as angry as hell still and it has been 2 and a half years since I found out. You are still only a small way in at 5 months so your feelings are normal.

    I dont know either how to get over the pain and the anger as I have it everyday. I can only offer you my sympathy that you are going through this and you are not alone.

  • caz October 3, 2011, 6:28 AM

    Hi I found out 3 years ago that my husband had cheated, when his mistress phoned to tell me she was pregnant. I have spent the last 3 years trying to get my marriage back, and I can’t. I told him yesterday that I am leaving. I feel so lost and alone.
    We’ve been together 14 years, married 7.
    My kids are teens, and not his. They know the pain I am going through, and have to live with it every day. I care for him but don’t love him. I am so scared about leaving and having nothing though. I don’t have a job at the minute because I have been working with him.

    • Jewels October 3, 2011, 11:42 PM

      Caz,I am sorry to hear about your situation, what a painful way to find out. One thing that I will tell you, if you have tried for 3 years, at least you can leave the marriage knowing you gave it your best shot, but I know it doesn’t ease the pain. I know you are scared about leaving, but can anything be worse than the pain you have been through the past 3 years? I am not sure if you have built up a support system with family and friends that are willing to help, if you haven’t you can start, you would be surprised at the level of support you have once you simply open up and ask. And you don’t have to physically leave until you have a comfortable level of support for you and the kids. There is power in making the decision to leave, meaning that you longer have to be worried about him and making him understand and trying to work things out. Your thoughts can not be directed towards you planning to leave. It’s a huge milestone and one that is not difficult to make, so put a smile on your face today knowing that you did something very courageous. I know the thought of being alone is scary, especially with kids, but everything is going to work out just fine.

      Louise - Just curious, you state that you are still going through it after 2 years, if you don’t mind sharing, have you decided to stay and work on the marriage or are you still trying to decide?

  • Daisy October 3, 2011, 9:11 AM

    Every human being has limit and can only endure a certain amount of pain. The thing that hurts is that most of the time they are not even in love with these girls….its the thrill that they are in love with. I would NEVER compromise my relationship for just a moment of fun…WHAT HAPPEN TO COMMITMENT? VOWS? RESPECT?

    I’ve tried to my best to look at my relationship at every angle. Not only did he cheat on me but he also Gambles. I don’t believe words anymore, only actions. I have to look at his actions….actions speak louder than words.

    I have to take what I learned, PUSH myself to something greater and better….HAPPINESS. Now I know why my parents, especially my dad always pushed me to always be independant. I would have never thought in a million years that this would happen to me. I don’t have much right now, but I have the “WILL” to want better things in life. I’m planning my futuer with out him. ITS INCREDIBLY sad but he didn’t give me a choice. I know its easier said than done.

    My sister would and brother would tell me to leave him. BUT they don’t understand the situation… I mean I LOVE THIS MORON… STILL. My heart aches every moment…and there isn’t a day that passes that I don’t cry. I am just really really tired of the WORRY. SO DRAINING and I chose not to do this anymore… the pain is incredible….its like I have a noose around my neck.

    I can’t control him or even try to. BUT i can control myself and pray for strength, guidance and health.

    HOPE is important.

  • caz October 4, 2011, 3:05 AM

    I feel so guilty for leaving him. He is a great big man, but so weak emotionally. He won’t cope on his own. I know this and feel it shouldn’t be my responsibility, but I can’t help it.
    I wish I could wave a magic wand and the last 4 years be wiped out. I just wanted my old life back, but then don’t we all wish we had our pre-cheating husbands?
    He has never stayed faithful in a relationship, that should have warned me of something, shouldn’t it!
    He keeps looking at me and crying, asking what he should do. I have to tell him the truth, he has already done it, and that is why I have to go!
    He gave no consideration for me, while he was having his affair, so WHY do I feel like the bad one?
    During his affair he had a TIA, (a minor stroke), I was prepared to give up everything to look after him if he hadn’t recovered properly. I would have given my life for him.
    Even the shock of that didn’t make him end the affair, as he didn’t get her pregnant until 5 months later.
    I still feel so bitter, I don’t think he lies or is cheating anymore, but I will never be sure.
    I really don’t care if he does sleep with someone else anymore, but I hurt so much at the thought of hurting him, and leaving.
    I know in the long run it is best, still doesn’t stop it hurting now.
    I am packing my things up around him, and it feels wrong. Not the leaving part there, but I feel like I am rubbing his face in things.
    Maybe if he’d tried more I might have been able to make it work.
    He would go to see her while he was supposed to be at work (he’s his own boss), but if I ever wanted to do anything, he was always too busy at work.
    He is still always too busy at work, for anything. Nothing has changed, except my resentment built.
    I know it’s right, but it feels so wrong at the minute!

  • Tina October 5, 2011, 12:27 PM

    Thanks ladies for all the insight it really helps. It saddens me to see all the women that have been hurt by there cheating husbands! At least I’m not alone and my husband is not the only idiot out there! You know what really makes me mad if the shoe was on the other foot my husband would have been gone and never looked back it just goes to show how women are so much more stronger weather we stay or go!! Women are wired different I guess. I’m still struggling with the everyday triggers and the anger which I wish would go away. To the lady earlier that feels bad for leaving don’t u dare feel bad I know u love him but do u think he was thinking of your feelings when he was having an affair! You do what’s best for you, I commend you for leaving I wish I was that strong! My husbands tells me don’t you think I’m hurting too!! Well guess what I could give a damn if your hurting how about you jump in my shoes then tell me about hurt! He created this so I could care less if he’s hurt. Maybe these men should really think about what there doing and who it will affect! Man its nice to get things off my chest!

    • Jewels October 9, 2011, 10:30 PM

      Hello Tina,

      I agree, our husbands should think twice about who this will affect and the impact on us as wives and the entire family. Now I have had interaction with men that have been devastated by their wives cheating, and I will tell you the pain is there with some men as well. And most men typically don’t were their emotions, so they typically keep it inside because it’s not like they can go crying to their best friend, they keep it all in, which is not good. Cheating and the intense emotional impact is so misunderstood. Lastly, I am glad you got things off your chest one of the main reasons for the blog. Take Care!

  • raynejasper October 6, 2011, 6:24 AM

    Hi everyone,
    Its been a while since the last time I visited the site.. Its very good to see new people here being added who are able to express what they feel.. from my own experience, it helps a lot when you have someone to talk to during this stage of our life..
    Jewel, as for me, for almost two years now, my husband is still cheating but I don’t care anymore.. he doesn’t care about our marriage so why should i care.. I’m focusing my attention with my baby and i’m already in the stage where I already decided to get out and leave him. At first, its really hard to make a decision since I’m worried about our kid.. But like what you did, I thought of those kids who have been raised by their mother alone and they became great people.. I knew then that it depends on how I will raise my kid that will shape her as she grow.. I will give her the greatest love that I can and i will give her the best life I knew. We’re still staying in my in-laws’ house because they are very understanding about what I’m feeling and they feel sorry about what their son did.. I’m thinking now of ways how I can have financial support.. I’m hard up as to how I will start a new life, but I believe, we can be able to start a new life soon.. Although sometimes, i feel like its a dead end for me because my family is facing financial problem so I can’t depend on them. My savings are all used up and i have to find a way for us to survive.. i always try to stay positive..

    • Jewels October 9, 2011, 10:42 PM

      Hello Raynejasper,

      So good to hear from you!! So it seems like your husband is a lost cause in the cheating arena. I’m glad your able to stay with your in-laws until you figure out your own plan. I know you might be feeling ‘how and the world am I going to make it on my own’ and I was there, I really was, but I had to change that story I was telling myself because what you focus on grows, so I started to tell myself I am going to be able to move out on my own, and make a great life for my children. The more I said it, the more opportunities came to me. Didn’t happen overnight, but within 4-6 months, I found an opportunity where I could be on my own. Now like is not perfect. My landlord does nothing and as I am typing this, (I hear very very loud music in the background from neighbors at almost 11pm at night), BUT it’s the perfect stepping stone for me and I know it is only temporary, as is all of our circumstances. Keep thinking positive in the direction of goals, state them and the opportunities are sure to follow in due time. Take Care Raynejasper!

  • Jules October 10, 2011, 7:12 PM

    I am still sticking with it with my husband. It has been almost 5 months since I found out about his affair. We went from he was leaving me (after 24 years of marriage) to a one month seperation, he asked to move home to work on us. But then he continued his affair and I caught him in several more lies, found the secret phone, found out her name,etc… Then to having to hear from him, I love you but I am not sure… to him telling me to back off he needs space to decide, to him saying I am going to get help, to him not doing a darn thing. A month ago we went to one marriage counseling appt and he blind sided me. Just a week before he told me he wanted us and had ended it then at MC told me I love you but don’t want to hurt you. I am not sure I can give up the affair, went on about bad marriage, etc… I countered with good things, told him this hurt and told the MC that I still felt our connection. He basically fled afterwards and I left for the evening. Fast forward a couple of days and I went out with friends and left my wedding rings on his dresser. Next day he was super nice and Monday was the lovey dovey man I married. Fast forward a couple of weeks and he was very angry that I was not showing him more that I wanted and desired him. Talk about a shock as he had been pushing me away. So I wrote him a letter telling him what I want and he acted scared again…

    So after 5 months, where are we??? He is home, we get along great, have sex a couple times a week but he still is not in the promised Individual Counseling and I am just plain getting tired.

    I am trying to be positive but here it is he is over an hour late and he can not even bother calling or texting…. He is very selfish and at times makes me feel as if I am the one who cheated.

    So at this point do I keep this up, set more boundaries or what? His family is working on getting him into therapy as they see he needs it. My family, well let us just say we do not agree on much right now, they want me to kick him out. So I decided to make couples plans, tired of not doing anything and am trying hard to not bring up emotions right now. But his rant a week ago about wanting me, wanting me to show my desire for him and then 5 days later pushing me away (he is very stressed with work, he is self employed). I can not figure this man out and it is mentally exhausting me plus I find I want a drink every night, something I never do.

    • Jewels October 11, 2011, 11:35 PM

      Jules,

      I am not sure if you got my last message (hopefully it wont show up twice), I spent some time writing it but when I hit to reply button for some reason it did not save (grrr). So this is the short version, all I was saying is that it’s not fair that he is playing with your emotions. He should not be in a position where one day he wants to be married and the next day he is like never mind – not fair to you at all. So this is just my opinion, but what I would say is this.

      “I have been with you through this ordeal for x months, and I think I have done a great job in supporting you. Now it’s time for you to help me out. I do not have enough energy anymore to entertain your thoughts of staying or leaving the marriage. Either you are in or out. So you have 2 days to make a decision as what you want to do. You have had a long time to think about this and I deserve a straight answer in all fairness to me, as a wife I should not even be in this position. If you decide you want to work things out, it has to be 100%, and it will be hard work. We will have to work on building trust, our feeling, sex, ect. You will feel uncomfortable at times but if you think the marriage is valuable, you will put in the effort. If you are not 100% committed, then I have to make plans to move on. This is a difficult thing to recover from in a marriage and anything less than a 100% committed effort from you is unacceptable. I deserve a straight answer. And if you say your committed, that means all the games, the secret phones, internet, ect, has to be open, you should have nothing to hide, if this is going to work, we have to work on building trust and that is not going to happen with secrets. So if we work this out, and I find out 1 little white lie, I will immediately make plans to leave.

      I know it sounds harsh, but I am trying to protect you from the pain of him going back and forth with you for months on this. You have to get a little stern with him so him knows your emotions are not to be played with and that you are not going to accept it. Force him to make a decision. That way, either way you will know that you at least gave him an option, after that the ball is in his court. Hope this helps! If you decide to do this, hopefully once you hear from his either way, you might not want to drink as much :).

  • Lisa October 10, 2011, 10:32 PM

    Dear Jules, I am reading your post about your man and his actions. Your life and mine are exactly the same! I have been married for almost 24yrs too, and I know what your are feeling inside. My husband did the same thing, blamed me for everything then became all lovey the next day. We would have fights and he blamed me for his anger, I wasn’t giving him enough sex, to spending all his money though I work too. His stress at work was extreme also, he even had moments where he was so mad he punched holes in two walls. I kicked him out for months at a time and he would always come crying back for forgiviness. We tried marriage counseling too only to hear from him he loves me but he is not in love with me. That hurt the most and we stopped going to therapy. I even stopped talking to him unless I had too. Once he was out he realize how good he had it, I took him back twice in a a six month period. A part of me felt something was always off about him. Midlife crisis? Something? I always took him back after he said his many sorry’s! But the fights continued for 3yrs I was never happy and just had this feeling something was wrong with him. Well I caught him texting his GF in another state( because I have his passwords to everything) and I lost it! I told him I am done being made a fool of for 4yrs. He begged me to not throw him out. I didn’t, I just listened to him though I wanted to kill him! He finally told me he was and Alcoholic and has been drinking for over 5 yrs. I knew about most of his drinking but not all. This is why his personality changed 4yrs ago. The mans ego is so fragile that he won’t take any blame until it’s too late. Marriage take two people but he was yo yo me back and forth for yrs that finaly somehting gave and it was him. Not doing anything right now is OK! For months at a time I did nothing while we were apart. When I was felt like it I saw divorce lawyers on my own just to find out info. I even printed out papers from on line sites to make him see how angry and pissed I was and needed to move on. He begged me not to divorce him yet. I still haven’t and probably wont. I do believe in marriage until death do us part, but divorce is only the last option if I feel my life is in danger or his mental state is unstable. Be strong though I know Its hard. My life has been a mess for 4yrs and finally it’s getting back on track! My husband is in AA now and he is acting like the man I married 24yrs ago!. Don’t loose hope.

    • Jewels October 11, 2011, 11:56 PM

      Lisa,

      Great advice and respond to Jules, probably better than mine because your husband’s stories are so similar! Lisa, your story is very inspiring, I hope one day you will consider posting it on the positive recovery stories section of the site (a tab on the home page), I desperately want stories of women that stayed with their husbands and feel good, it is important for those stories to be shared.

      Re-reading my comment, I sometimes can come off very harsh tone in pushing husbands to action when it comes to emotions for women because I just don’t like to hear wives emotions being dealt with like a ping pong ball. And I know I am a little bias because I left my husband, and although I try to be neutral, I know my personal situation comes off in my comments. At the same time, I know that everyone deals with life in a different manner, and it’s such a hard call as to if you should stay and work things out or leave. I have heard from women that deal with cheating for 10 years and are still going through it, and then I hear stories like yours and think ‘Wow, aren’t you glad you stayed?”. This is such a difficult situation but I am so glad that you are in a position to give hope to others. Keep posting :)

      Jules I hope you know that no matter what you decide to do, the important thing is that either way you can always come back to the site and get support and encouragement from this community.

  • Corabella October 17, 2011, 10:42 AM

    Im so comforted to have found this site. I just found out that my husband of 1 year is having an affair with a very young girl at his work. I figured it out through his text messages and emails. He claims there was nothing physical but the emails where xrated, which leads me to believe that there was. When I confronted him he yelled at me for going through his phone and email, I almost felt like I should apologize! I was firm when telling him that he needed to stop. The next few coversations with him where horrible…. I tried to explain to him that he hasnt only distroyed our marrige but now this young girl ( 15 years younger ) is waiting for him to leave me…. talk about a reality check! He has promised me that he ended it but she continues to contact him. And to make matters worse, he’s her boss! Now he’s concerned about his job. A few days after I confronted him, I checked his email and texts again, to then realize that this young girl has true feelings for my husband. He claims that she is just a co-worker but when I ask him why they exchange xrated text messages and emails, he changes the subject to me checking his personal messages. I am still living in our home with him because I am not working and he is the only source of income in the home. I feel like he holds the cards. It takes every ounce of my being to hold back from confornting this girl. But I know it takes two to tango.

    My husband and I where together for 14 years before we got married, why would he wait till we where married to do something like this??

    • Jewels October 19, 2011, 12:14 AM

      Hello Corabella,

      I am glad you are happy to have found this site!!

      Your husband should be very concerned about his job, because he now unfortunately put himself in a very uncomfortable position where this girl carries the fate of his job. At any moment she can send those emails to whoever she feels like. And typically young girls catch feelings fast and do really silly things when they don’t get their way. Don’t feel bad your husband put his job on the line – MANY cheaters do this, let’s not go down the list of A-list stars who send photo’s and pics of themselves to girls, only to have it blasted on the nightly news, so your husband is not alone.

      Now as far as you, that line of why are you looking through my email is not cool at all. If that is the only thing he has to say about the whole thing, then in my personal opinion, he is still in the blame game state. Most men play the blame game when they are first caught, they either say, it’s your fault cause you looked through my mail, or I meant for you to see this, that is what you get for sneaking on my, or you cheated as well, it’s all a defense mechanism to avoid the conversation and not accept blame for what they did. So it seems like your husband is in that state and unfortunately, you can’t force him into another state, he has to get there on his own.

      In my personal opinion, I know you want to confront the girl, but realize that she is young, immature and is super excited that boss man stroked her ego. And immature girls do immature things, I personally would focus on myself, not the husband because he is in denial about being at fault, not the girl because she is immature and who knows what she is going if you talk to her. I want you to focus on YOU because YOU are the only thing you can control right now. What do you want to do? What are your feelings, where do you want to take this? If your husband continues to change the subject every time you bring it up (which is super-annoying), what will you do? If he is sorry and wants to work things out (and be open about emails since this is a marriage), what would you do? If you decide to leave, what would you do? If you decide to stay, what you would you do? Of course this is just my personal opinion in hopes of giving you some perspective, I hope you read this and end up doing whatever you feel is right for you in this situation, as you know your husband best. I wish you the best!

  • Welshborn October 18, 2011, 12:12 PM

    I discovered my husband’s affair about 14 months ago and made the decision to stay. I’ve got to be perfectly honest that if there was a guide that he was following to doing everything to put this right then it is one great guide. He has been in counselling with me since March, he’s been remorseful, sorrowful, he’s done everything to put this right. He said straight up that he was trapped in a position that he was scared to get out of because of the manipulation and in counselling we have been working on his ‘pleaser’ issues, he’s never seen her since although she has been in contact with him and he has been transparent to me in his contact back to let her know that their ‘affair’ was nothing more than an awful awful mistake, that he loves me and should not have been involved in this affair.

    It’s been an upward struggle and there are still days when I cry and I’m angry (very angry), but it’s getting there and we are both thankful for our second chance to get this right.

    • Jewels October 19, 2011, 12:25 AM

      Hello Welshborn,

      Great story, thanks for sharing!!

  • why me October 24, 2011, 1:48 PM

    Hi Jewels,
    I am shocked at how many women this happens to… I never thought I would be one of them though. My story starts a mere 3 weeks ago, when I found out that my husband has been having an online affair via a social network game chat…turned out he created an e-mail address for the purpose of sending private letters, stories and pictures to not just one woman, but at least 3. I found out quite by accident…I on one computer and he on another and he forgot to log out of the one I was on…up comes a chat”Hey babe…miss you…etc.”…he was chatting with one of them as I was on the other computer 6 ft away. I was devastated to say the least…no idea that this had been happening under my nose, he said for 2 weeks…so because it was online and not in person and he broke it off, I let him back into my world…believing it was over and he said because we had drifted apart…which due to life, kids, etc, we had a bit…but we have been married 16 years, this was a pattern and we always came around and were able to get through it!!We had 2 marriage counselling sessions, set up by him…they were amazing… So we had a wonderful 2 weeks of basically falling in love again…feeling like these were the best 2 weeks of our marriage, made amazing love many times…he kept telling me how sorry he was and that it was me he loved and he was just in a dark place etc. I believed him and was learning to forgive but 2 days ago found out that there were 2 other women and porn sites as well…one of the women he was planning a meeting with at a hotel, while he was away on business… I found this all out by constantly watching his messages and reading e-mails, mail history etc. He gave me his passwords, but not to the one e-mail address I found…but it had the same password. I am again devastated…I confronted him 2 days ago…he said this was all in the same time frame and he had broken it off and cancelled their meeting weeks ago…I do believe he was still talking to her during our 2 “Amazing weeks” that we fell in love again though, not much but didn’t seem to break it off completley…although I have found some of the messages…he chatted others that I can’t see….he assured me that they would not be at the hotel together…he is actually staying with relatives, which I know for a fact…but saw a message from her from only yesterday saying that she was disappointed and upset that he basically used her as a “f^%k friend”, online sex I guess… they have never met… I had asked him to unfriend her from the social network he was using(she lives in another area…far away,)and it pissed me off that she was still on his friend list!!..more suspician arose..he is on that business trip now…I have been recieving texts from him and he is promising that all is well…somehow I know he isn’t lying…I believe him…he cried in my arms the other night over how sorry and screwed up he was to do this to me…I am staying because I believe he was lost and was trying to fulfill some sort of need that he wasn’t getting from me…I am angry and hurt as hell that he chose to do it in this way and will not be played for fool though and he now knows this…I have told him that if he is lying to me and betrays me in any way anymore, that I will leave and there will be no more chances…. my feelings right now keep wavering as I only found out about the “hotel meeting” the other day and feel like I could throw up at the thought that my husband nearly had sex with another woman….As he is away now, I have been crying, angry and hoping he will not betray me…I am still so hurt and want so badly to get over this hurdle and learn to trust him again…but he has to earn it…and luckily he does know that…

    • Jewels October 26, 2011, 11:44 PM

      Hello Why Me,

      Yes it is happening all over the world, you are not alone. The first thing that popped out was that he set up counseling sessions – good sign, most men don’t make the effort, and the fact that he knows he has to earn trust again, another good sign, what most men say is ‘just get over it’. It seems like the counseling was working in your favor until you saw the other trigger of the hotel set up. I think you really are on the right track, tell him he needs to tell you everything now, because if you get blindsided again with another secret email account or info that you did not know about, than he will have to suffer the consequences. I was like you, I told my husband ok, you cheated, i will stay married and we will work it out, but if I catch you in another lie or find out you are still talking to that women, it’s over. He kept talking to her and it hurt me so bad to know in my heart that i had to leave, I had to stick to my word because if I didn’t, he would continue to lie to me. I want you to know that you do not have to hope and wish or even wonder. Your alert system is so high, you will know if he is doing something. I hope that the both of you are able to continue counseling and save the marriage. Good luck!!

  • LisaP October 24, 2011, 7:25 PM

    To: Why me, Your story is mine as well as every other womans. It took my husband 4yrs to understand what he was doing was cheating. He thought as long as he didn’t really touch these women but only emailed them he was ok. But he almost took it to the next level. I found hotel reservations with a hooker at $175 an hour on a Wednesday at noon. But the time frame was when we were on our family vacation in Disneyland so I knew it never happend. He couldn’t be in two places at once. The only time he realized it was cheating was when his AA sponsor (a woman in her 60’s) told him so. My husband also thought that he was just having fun and that I was taking it away from him and a man of 50yrs shouldn’t have to answer to anyone because he was self made. Ego trip is what these women give our men! They tell them how hot they are and they fall for it. Ego is what drives men to do things without thinking. My husband told me many times that he would take me back if I did this to him. (yeah right!) He couldn’t handle it if I did. Sometimes these men have an addiction to this sexting as well as porn, the two go hand in hand. So ladies watch out and always go with your gut feelings they are NEVER wrong!!

  • lady bee October 26, 2011, 11:31 AM

    i stayed to try it for are kids there happy i stayed am tired of being so mad and angry what do i do i want my life back with or with out him write know i hate him so much and i still love him it been a year since it happend i never learn how to forgive i dont think he can be forgive i just need for me to be better for my kids

    • Jewels October 26, 2011, 11:48 PM

      Hello Lady Bee,

      You said it’s been a year, do you feel that your husband is still cheating or do you think it’s over. It’s important that you deal with your anger. Staying in a marriage, feeling miserable, but staying for the kids is tough. I am sure your kids want a happy mom and that is just as important as marriage itself, because kids watch you and they learn how to live through you. So we need mom to get back to herself, and in order to do that, you have to get to the bottom of your anger. Are you able to talk to your husband about it?

  • LisaP October 26, 2011, 11:46 AM

    to lady bee: I tried to forgive the first time but I couldn’t even though I said it to him it didn’t stick. Because deep down I knew he would still cheat on me. It has been 4 1/2 yrs of ups and down and not trusting then trying to trust. Then he blew me out of the water 3months ago talking to the OW again. This time he took responsibility for his actions. Begged me not to throw him out again, (this would be the third time in 4yrs) But this time he ment it. How do I know? Well he gave me all his passwords to everything switched his phone back to our family plan and started going to AA meetings not just for his Alcoholism but sex addiction too. Alot of cheating is done with other addictions, porn, booze you name it. He said he had no control anymore of his life and his family is what he wanted. So yesterday after a bad morning of me picking at him and pushing his buttons. I said to myself I am not happy! But why? I figured it out, I hadn’t forgiven him though he was trying to make us work. He was bettering himself and I was still stuck being mad! I still loved him through all he had done but rarely said it to him. So yesterday I forgive him and told him I love him, so I can be happy again not just for him to feel better but for me. We had a very loving night and woke up to great sex (which hasn’t happened in a long time.) I actually felt LOVED and was actually able to give LOVE back. I feel unbelievable today.

    Forgiveness doesn’t have to happen at all, but when it does it feels good for youself. It only took me 4 1/2 yrs to do it.

  • Jennifer October 26, 2011, 2:18 PM

    It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything and I’ve been in rehab (not real rehab just talking about my snooping problem) and I’ve been so good for not going threw my husband’s stuff. Well this past Sat my husband’s cell phone alarm was going off. I turned it off, but then proceeded to look threw his text messages. Did I get a surprise!! His kids mother says she’s PREGNANT!!! My husband says she’s lying and she was hoping that I would see the text. She wants him to get a divorce and be a “family with their kids”.

    How can you (talking about myself) dislike a person you have never met? She doesn’t want to meet me and doesn’t want her kids around me. Please keep in mind that they are 13 and 14 years old. This woman is delusional!!! They were broken up before I started dating him which was 12 years ago!!! She started this “he’s mines” when we got married 4 years ago. Now he’s mad at me for going threw his phone and once again wants me to move out!!! I’m geeting tired of fighting about this little girl she’s 8 years older then me but is acting like I stole her toy!!! When do you know when to threw in the towel, put up the white flag and say you win!!! She’s not going anywhere becasue they have kids togather, but I’m tired of her. I told my husband he needs to STOP whatever he is doing to keep this girl holding on!! He’s not total off the hook because he started it by having sex with her (he says he never did) anyway, there’s still an emotional involvement relationship between the two. Why after 4 year would she still be singing the same tired @$$ song!!?? I want us to be a family!! MOVE ON!!! I know I would have. Correct me if I’m wrong but it doesn’t take 4 years to leave someone. Could she really be so closed minded that she can’t see outside of the box to move on?? She can only see what she wants and willing to keep holding on?? It’s not like we have money and property to fight over!!!

    I statred to trust him again, I even forgave him so I don’t know why I went threw his phone? I’ve seen his phone laying around and never gave it a second thought to pick it up. Now I’m wondering if it was a set up and she was just waiting for her plan to work. I’m not mad and I’m not even sad. I just want her to move on. Am I wrong for feeling like this???

    • Jewels October 27, 2011, 12:30 AM

      Hello Jennifer,

      I must say I did get a good laugh reading the first few lines around your rehab (especially when I thought I read ‘snorting’ instead of snooping…lol. Now on a more serious note, I want you to know something just from observation. I read your update twice, and it seems to very ‘she is crazy’ which is fine, but I totally agree with what you mentioned as far as thinking about what your husband is doing to aid this. He may not be doing anything at all at this point, but if he knows she is crazy, and he slept with her, at this point there should be no interaction with her except for conversations around kids, anything else it your husband entertaining, and it he keeps entertaining, even in the slightest way, she will take whatever she can get, and that is going to impact your marriage. It’s ok that you looked through his phone, I personally not too happy with his response of ‘why are you looking through my phone?’ it seems like he is trying to avoid the subject. He did sleep with someone else, so it shouldn’t be a shock that your curious, and it’s not like you do it everyday since you are in rehab. I agree with what you said to your husband about giving her something to hold on to – and sex is a big one, she probably thinks her chances are great. I guess I am saying all of this to say if this women is crazy and they have to interact with each other, all communications (phone calls, visits, texts) should be about the kids only, they should have nothing else to talk about. If she is implying that he is the father, fine, I would say get a test and until then, no interaction with the kids mom unless it is about the kids, anything else would be to suspicious given the circumstances. Thanks for the update, keep us posted.

  • Leah October 27, 2011, 3:36 PM

    About 3 months ago I found out my husband of 5 months (yes, only 5months) decided to have an affair with a 22 year old. I found out the hard way…she texted me pictures of my husband naked with a note “look familiar”. Even through the hurt, blame, and embarrassment I decided to stay and work on it. He immediately owned up to cheating and begged for forgiveness and asked me to stay. Being someone who truly believes in “for better or for worse”…I stuck through it. However, after moving states away shortly after finding out about the divorce he asks me to leave because of his “guilt”…he told me everytime he looked at me all he could see was the guilt. I tried my best and put everything I could into rebuilding my marriage..but after a month he gave up because he “simple could not forgive himself for hurting me so bad.”

  • Leah October 27, 2011, 3:43 PM

    oops I meant “after shortly finding out about the affair..he asks me to leave and for a divorce..

    • Jewels October 27, 2011, 9:29 PM

      Hello Leah,

      Welcome to the site. It’s interesting dynamic that he feels so bad that he wants a divorce. It leads me to believe he actually feels bad for what he did. At the end of the day, it might be a better position to end it only because it’s hard to stay in marriage when one person is not wanting to stay married (especially if infidelity is involved). And as you can see from all the post, it is extremely hard to recover from this, it’s possible, but takes a ton of work. I know you have only been married 5 months, but maybe it’s good that you know now versus 20 years from now when your entire life is vested. It sucks because you just got married, you were at the point where you are about to begin a wonderful journey until you got that horrible text (who does that sends a text saying ‘sounds familiar’?, oh yeah, a 22 year old). I said it’s interesting because usually it’s the other way around, meaning usually us as women are the ones that are reminded of the affair every time we look at our husbands, in your case, it’s the opposite. Take care.

  • RaeRae October 28, 2011, 1:47 PM

    I would like to thank Welshborn also. I have search high and low for a story about couples trying again. I’m about to hit 25 and have been with my guy for just over 8 years. Lived together the whole time. I thought we were ok for a young couple. His little brother lives with us now and had moved his girlfriend in. You can guess what happened. She is obviously not living with us anymore. I’m nervous for a lot of reasons. 8 years is a long time. My feelings haven’t wavered. His brother is also trying to make it work with her. She has a really bad history with killing people’s trust with her. My guy does not. I hope that his brother doesn’t get caught in her trap. I hope they can mend their brother-ship. I hope I’m not making the wrong decision. But I would rather be heartbroken knowing as a strong woman, I tried, then not trying at all. But that’s my situation. I hope to see more stories like these. The issue I am struggling with is that I still find him attractive and I love him and that love is very raw right now. I don’t want to give him that “I got away with it” feeling but I crave that closeness. When do I know it’s right to be intimate with him again?

    • Jewels October 30, 2011, 1:54 AM

      Hello RaeRae,

      It seems like your boyfriends brother is still trying to see this lady? That is interesting. I am glad she is no longer living there. To answer your question around intimacy, not sure if there is a right time to do it, but I would encourage you to use protection, if anything it’s to show him that you are not going to put yourself on the line for something that would do something like that. Just be careful with him, I do not want you to end up like most of the women on the site if you can prevent it. Take Care.

  • Tina October 28, 2011, 1:59 PM

    Ok so I thought things were going good until I found some emails between my husband and a co worker that I did not like! But if I confront him he’s gonna be pissed I looked at his phone. I know that’s ridiculous but he always turns it around. I’m so pissed right now and I’m having a hard time hiding it! I’ve been trying to rebuild this marriage and this is not working. I gotta ask what’s the point for him to try like hell to make things right but he’s flirting with this women at work. I’m not ok with it not after everything I’ve been through. I have 3 boys all under the age of 11 I have no job and no family to turn to. What am I supposed to do just keep letting him hurt me I feel so lost,alone and stupid!

    • Jewels October 30, 2011, 1:59 AM

      Hello Tina,

      Sorry you are still dealing with his hurtful actions. The fact that he always turns it around is not a good sign, to me that means he has not accepted what he has done, he is still trying to deflect onto you. Is he willing to go to therapy? If you are at the point where you think he is not going to stop, and you do not want to be in the marriage, you have options. I know that you have 3 kids under the age of 11 and not working, but you have options. Do you live in the US? If so, from a legal standpoint you have options. It took me a year from the time I wanted to leave until I actually walked out, because I did not feel I could leave, didn’t feel I had any options. But once I started changing that story and staying to myself that I can and will leave this marriage, things started happening, doors started to open and a year later I left. I say that to say to you, if you decide to leave, it’s ok to take time to plan out how that would look, and wait until you feel more comfortable to leave. But just know that you have options. And you are not stupid – you love and trusted your husband, no crime in that, we all went through it. Take Care!

  • annie October 31, 2011, 3:18 PM

    I found out my husband (of 5 years) had been cheating on 5th Feb. I found a few emails on MY LAPTOP to his ex, all seemed innocent, maily how are u, congratulations on the kids etc but it led me to search for more. I found a second fbk account and calls and texts to someone he knew through work.

    Some of the texts were sexual. Some were asking how she was feeling. He’d call her up for a chat. I think that hurts more, knowing he was needing someone to talk to and he picked her. I know they didnt meet up as one of the texts was “so when are we finally going to meet” so i felt slightly better. Then i found out he had masturbated with someone from his past just after xmas. And text to meet up more but was turned down. I am devistated.

    Ppl keep saying its been 9 months and i should be getting over it but im just not. Hes been making every effort. He booked counselling, i didnt like it and only went to a few sessions. He left his job. He changed his number. He got rid of his laptop. He has made a real effort with our two children (1 & 4). He has taken me to paris and off on other weekend breaks, He bought me a gorgeous diamond ring. He waits on me hand and foot and does all the household chores now (maily cos im like th eliving dead and living in a daze most of the time).

    Nothing he does makes any difference. Im SO ANGRY! I still spend alot of time in tears. He keeps saying he wants me and only me, he was a fool. he realised what he could lose.

    I want to believe him and i want to be how it was before i knew but i cant, not cos i wont but cos i dont know how to. Its always with me. I feel like a zombie. i dont know whether to end it or not. Im so frightened and miserable.

    • Jewels November 1, 2011, 10:30 PM

      Hello Annie,

      Don’t feel bad that it’s been 9 months, this is a long process, it took me 2 years, so please understand this is a very emotional journey. After reading your story, it appears the problem is that you have not focused on your recovery. There are some pinned up emotions inside of you and until you address those emotions, the marriage will be in the state that it is. Your husband can do everything in the world, if you keep seeing memories of those texts every time you see him, it’s going to be hard to bond the marriage back together. I really recommend that you personally go to see a therapist, this is one of the most difficult situations you will face, it deserves some professional help if you can afford it. Start carving out some more time for you, if you do those two things, your decision on whether to stay or leave will not be easier, but you will have more data to help aid the decision. I really believe you are in such limbo because you haven’t considered your own healing in this process.

      As far as your friends, I understand the embarrassment (did you read my posts on embarrassment) from the affair? But you have to start to open up to somebody. Keeping it all bottled up is going to be too stressful. If they already know about the affair, then talk to them. If they act crazy or not understanding, then they don’t need to be your friend. Most people (some will say hurtful things) understand how sensitive affairs are and once I started opening up, it was amazing how many others experience it as well. Mark my words, once you start opening up about it, you will find other stories, even within your own family. I do not want you to talk about it until you feel ready, but once you do, I do not think you will regret it. But again this all depends on if your friends already know at this point and time. Take Care!

  • Theresa October 31, 2011, 5:53 PM

    I found out a year ago that husband hasn’t stopped cheating. We have been married 22 years and throughout, I was aware of 3 affairs he had and we addressed each one with counseling. The first two he was sorry for but never said sorry for number three. The counseling ended with me needing to do better because something is missing is a man cheats. The man, just needs to stop cheating.

    He began to get really weird and distant in 2010 and for the first time, asked me to leave so he could “be happy and live his own life”. He wasn’t working as I let him quit because he said he was too stressed. But when I wouldn’t allow my paycheck to pay for his bills, he began to get serious about treatment. 3 months later, he confessed to 2 more affairs. We separarated for 8 months and I was filng for divorce. I had enough. He began seeing a counselor and I was too and I was asked to wait a year before deciding to file for divorce. I agreed. He has been very remorsefula nd repentent about what he has done and has ap0logized for everything.

    During our marriage, he did not like to show outward expressions of affection through gifts or flowers. Even our wedding vows were cut to the bare minimum. He was nice and didn’t abuse but was just not there emotinoally for me or the kids. He would look up old girlffriends and when I confronted him I would get “we’re just friends”. I took over being the parent and the household since he worked and it stressed him out. It didn’t bother him that I also worked a full-time job.

    Through the counseling, I have found out the depth of his betrayals and how little I really mattered. He has begged me not to leave and has said that he is no longer blind. But, I can’t get over the prior affairs, the new affairs and how little he really cared about me or our kids.

    Now, I am older (47) and am having to ask myself why am I staying and waiting? I love him but hate the person I realized I was really living with. I dont’ know if I should just file for divorce and call it over. It is now a year and he has been consistently doing things he has never done before but I am afraid that it will end as soon as I say I will stay. The pain of his betrayal is something I am having a hard time getting over. I know the pain will still be there even if he is gone but I can’t seem to move past it.

    I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me and I have no direction, energy or desire to do anything anymore. I just think about him and all that he has done. I need some help.

    • Jewels November 1, 2011, 10:40 PM

      Theresa,

      I am sure one of the reasons you feel so depleted is because you are constantly dealing with his drama, and like I mentioned with Annie, in the process, probably lost yourself. It appears that you have put in years of time and effort dedicated to affair recovery, and that is very draining, it seems like you are burned out and tired of dealing with his games and issues around why he can’t stop cheating, which is understandable. Two things for you, I would really put a pause on focusing on the marriage, you seem so use to focusing on the marriage it might be shocking for you not to focus on the marriage. With the new time – focus the attention on your wants and passions, and something bigger than you (which is how you get your mind off him all the time – it works!). For instance if you like art, with the time you spend on the marriage, spend it on art, and maybe even look into volunteering for an after school art program. For all the years of struggle, you deserve to give yourself some time. And what will happen is that those efforts will help to neutralize your mind (for lack of a better word) and then you will be in a better position to decide to stay or leave. Just my 2 cents!

  • LisaP October 31, 2011, 7:30 PM

    Annie, I was angry for 4 1/2 yrs. I kept finding text and emails and meeting places with OW. He never made actual contact with these people it was all a fantasy. My husband is 52 now but started all this at 48yrs old and always with very young women 18yrs old or younger. I called him out on this and found out he did most of it while drunk! Now after 4 1/2 yrs he is in AA and begging me to not throw him out. I finally forgave him last week because I had to forgive myself too. It was not my fault but his. In those 4 1/2 yrs I threw him out twice saw a divorce mediator but still I never filed nor did he. something kept us together but he continued to hide things for 4 1/2 yrs. He now understands I can’t trust him and he knows I may never give it to him. I forgave him for me… to release my anger. I have released it but I haven’t forgotten what he did. Those are two different things. do what you want to there is no wrong or right and there is no deadline to make a decision.

  • Samantha November 1, 2011, 5:25 AM

    To Why Me

    I thought when I read your story it was thats me. Our stories are so similar. Websites, texts but no actual meetings. I still consider it cheating as he went there in his head. We have been married 6 years together 8 and I have found that my husband has cheated pretty much from the start. Went to counselling together and to our separate cousellors. He has promised he had deleted all contacts and then I happen to find a text on his phone 2 months later from one girl he obviously kept in contact with. I decided to separate but he begged me to wait and see how I felt after our overseas trip. I have now come back from my trip and to my total and utter shock am pregnant. I was told by a specialist that I was not able to conceive. I am still full of anger, resentment, frustration and insecurities. I know he no longer is in contact with the last girl as I pretended to be him and told her the truth that he was married. She had no idea and said they were spose to meet up. She is alot younger than me which makes me feel ill. I now have to consider the future alot more carefully as its not just me that a marriage breakup is going to affect. It has been about 5 months since I found the texts etc and I feel I am not even close to forgiving my husband.

  • annie November 1, 2011, 5:52 AM

    How long do you go on feeling like your living in limbo? Not deciding either way. I really havent decided either way. One minute im in tears and calling our family solicitor and the next i’m in his arms hoping if he holds me tight enough it will all go away.
    I want to forgive for me but i dont know how to do that. I dont know how to stop bringing it up every time something on TV or a song reminds me.

    I feel humiliated. Ive realised how often men get it at home is not the reason they cheat but now i dont want to see my friends cos i feel so humiliated incase they are thinking that about me about me. Pitying me. Thinking it was my fault.

    We talked last night and he doesnt want to leave, i couldnt manage if he did with work and going back to college. Is that a reason to stay with someone?
    Have any of you watched that film “Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind”? I wish my mind could be wiped so it was all happy.

  • Theresa November 2, 2011, 4:51 PM

    Thanks for your encouragement. I met with my counselor last week who suggested the same thing. Focus on myself, my healing and quit focusing so much on the marriage. When we separated, I enrolled in college to work on my Master’s degree. That has been helping but not totally able to focus on school as my emotions keep fogging things up. I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and know that I will make it with or without him.

    • Jewels November 11, 2011, 10:16 PM

      Theresa,

      No problem at all, so happy you enrolled in college and did something for you – awesome – keep doing that and keep us posted.

  • Caz November 9, 2011, 3:40 PM

    Just thought I would post an update.
    I left the family home at the weekend, very rushed, as I have started divorce proceedings.
    At the minute we are staying with my parents, and I am awaiting confirmation of a rental property, (keeping my fingers crossed!)
    The atmosphere in the home had got worse and worse over the last few weeks.
    I had originally told him I wanted a trial separation, but his behaviour towards me proved that, despite saying he didn’t want the relationship to end, he showed no remorse for his actions. At one point even saying he was glad he had an affair! He also commented that he would bring his chid up with more manners and respect than my children had.
    Amazing as his child is the child that is a result of his affair, and the same child he has had nothing to do with for the whole 35 months of its life.
    My children are the children he has raised for the last 14 years!
    He has deleted their phone numbers and deleted them off facebook!
    Life is hard at the minute. I won’t pretend otherwise. I have no money and feel very down!
    However, I do not miss him and the stress invilved with him. I just miss the familiarality of my life. I had lived in my home for 17 years, him 8 years, yet I have been forced out!
    Please don’t think that everyone should leave. If you can make it work, then great, but don’t feel a failure if you can’t.
    I have spent over 3 years trying to put right my marriage, but couldn’t do it alone, which is what I was trying to do. I miss being part of a couple. I miss being married, but my future needs to be with someone who compliments me, not drags me down and sucks the life out of me

    • Jewels November 11, 2011, 10:29 PM

      Thanks for the update Caz,

      Working on a marriage where the other party is not working on it is one of the most draining experiences ever, like you said, it sucks the life out of you. What I realized after I left was that I was so committed to holding on to that dream of the house, the husband, the money, that I was sacrificing myself for the illusion. My health was going down fast because I was trying to control someone that was constantly disappointing me. I finally let go, I let go of the need to control the outcome, I let go of the need to make him realize how hurtful his words were, I let go of trying to make him understand the impact of his choices. And when I did that,I felt like a ton of bricks were lifted. And it took me a while from that point to the point where I moved out, but boy when I moved, it was almost as if I got my sanity back. The negative energy of the marriage went away and started to see a vision of me being happy again.

      I totally agree with you that if you can make it work, great. Many women on this site have worked hard on their marriage. What’s most important is how you feel, whether you stay or leave. And most of the time, the husband has to be committed to making it work and taking actions towards bonding, not against it.

      And as far as him deleting his own kids from facebook, etc., you know what, this is going to be a great lesson for them that your kids are going to learn at a very early age that they have to have a strong sense of self, and not to depend on anyone’s action for their self worth and self-esteem. Make sure they understand that people do things for various reasons that often have to do with themselves, and not outside parties. I know it’s hard because he is their father, but I do see a positive in that if they learn that lesson now, they will lead lives that are rich and fulfilling, because when you make yourself a priority, you fill your tank up, so that you have enough gas to share, and at the same time, you never run out because you are filling your own tank, not depending on others gas (hopefully that makes sense :). I wish I would of learned that years ago.

  • Tina November 9, 2011, 7:08 PM

    @ Caz just read your post and u give me hope. I have been trying to rebuild my marriage for the past year and he is just sucking the life out of me! I wanted more than anything for this to work but right now all I want is my independence and selfworth back so I started therapy today hoping this will help me get back the women I was before his affair. And whatever road it leads me down at least I will know I’m worth it! Your husband seems to be a little inmature as most are but I wish u the best of luck and most of all happiness!

  • Jenny November 10, 2011, 4:17 AM

    Annie,
    You need to take as much time as you need, make no decisions in haste. Rocovery takes years & years, when I found out I told a friend who started to cry, admitting that 11 years earlier her husband had had an affair & that she couldn’t talk to me as it brought back to many bad memories (she stayed with him).
    Three years ago I found out about my husband’s affair & I don’t need to tell you what it feels like, all the lies & hurt. That was the start of what I call “ground hog day” , a new kind of life living with constant pain. Re living every moment of my time over the period of his affair, seeing clearly now where I had missed so many signs. I had two nearly adult children who I had been virtually sole parent for at the time so I decided to take time, time for myself before making such life changing decisions. I still was very much in love with my husband but didn’t know if I could recover with him. I moved out & rented & walked & walked, & thought & thought for weeks. My husband would come over for dates. It is now three years since that most horrible day when he told me and we have been through hell & back. My husband always said he didn’t want to leave & that he loved me more than anything but his behaviour didn’t always equal what he was saying. It seems that he was having a great deal of trouble facing up to the pain & being responsible for all the hurt. It took many many months for him to actually “get it”. That his confident wife was a shattered wreck. He came to the understanding that our marriage was like a garden that he had neglected & that it was his responsibility to “tend” the garden to make it bloom again. It was my responsibility to get better. He had been having his affair for three years so we decided to give our marriage three years to see if we could work it out.It has been a very hard road with lots of anger & tears. I don’t check his phone as much any more & tonight is the first time he is going to a work cocktail party & I know the other woman is there & I am almost ok with this. Men are differrent, they don’t seem to need to talk everything through as we do, they just seem to want to move on & forget.
    Annie, I have learnt the hard way to look after myself. In April I started loosing my hair until I needed a wig, I also have other symptoms, all related to stress. But I do know that it has been the right decision for both of us to stay together, we are again lovers, best friends & partners. Time is a great hearler but it will take a lot of patience on your husbands part, remember he is the course so he must fix it, with your help. GOOD LUCK

    • Jewels November 11, 2011, 10:32 PM

      Jenny, great story, thanks for sharing!

  • sally November 11, 2011, 5:08 PM

    I found a sim card for a mobile phone with three womens numbers in it, text messages and call history to all three. When I confronted him he never fully admitted having affairs with all three. I knew something was going on but I never imagined what was really going on. He begged me to give it another try. That was about 5 years ago. I stayed with him! He really made an effort, more than he had ever done before. We spent loads of time together it was the same excitment of a new relationship. Things went ok for a little while we had a second child, which I definatly do not regret. Now I never see my husband, always some excuse, out most weekends. Takes trips with his friends. My self asteem is at rock bottom. I’ve got to the point that I’ve been hurt that much I have no feelings left I feel numb. I can’t admit this to any one because I’ve put my family through this once already. I have never felt so unattractive or been so lonely. To the world I would never admit this. And I have bought another child in to this.

    • Jewels November 11, 2011, 10:50 PM

      Hello Sally,

      I will first tell you not to feel bad that you gave him another chance. The way I see it, if he is indeed cheating again, and you decide to leave, at least you can leave with the pride knowing that you did your part, you gave him a second chance. You can leave with your head held high knowing you gave it your best shot. You mentioned that during that time you had the same excitement of a new relationship. Whatever is going on now does not erase those good times of the past.

      His actions do not define you, he defines himself by his actions, you define yourself by your actions. I know he can make you feel unattractive, I was right there with you at one point in my life. But I realized one day that if I continue to lean on him for my self worth, I will always be disappointed. Even more importantly, when I realized that if I lean on anyone for my self worth, I am setting myself up for disappointment. So that is why I started leaning on myself, and my entire life changed. It can happen for you as well, I know it can. People cheat for various reasons, but those reasons are a reflection of them. His cheating does not define how attractive you are. ( I know models that get cheated on, so it’s not about looks :). It seems like your husband going out constantly is taking you right back to that place you were when this happened the first time. It seems like at this point you don’t know for sure that he is cheating, but his actions are very similar to the last time years ago. Would you be able to talk to him about how this is making your feel? Do you think he would understand?

      If you feel that you can’t talk to anyone, use this site to communicate, I don’t want you to feel alone, read the stories and know that you are not alone. Are you in a position to get counseling? Things will get better, keep in touch.

  • Kris November 14, 2011, 11:30 PM

    I found out last month that my husband cheated. It totally crushed me! We’ve been married for 7 years, have 3 kids, (one is mine from a previous marriage). I thought that things were all good, until we both have gotten this rash under our armpits. I thought that it was from my new razor I got, (new brand, with some kind of gel stuff on it) But then he broke down crying and told me that he had the same kind of rash, and that he cheated. He’s a carpenter, and has been working for this woman (15-20 years his senior! And that really made me feel bad!) for a while helping her to remodel her house. He also works off shore, so he’s gone 4 weeks at a time. He said that they developed a friendship, and apparently it got more than that! He’s home now from his time out, and things are getting bad again, we are arguing , and he’s acting weird again. I think that he may be bipolar, or something like that, and my councaler said that she thinks that he may be a sex addict. I don’t know what to think, I’ve had that thought many times, but chalked it up to him being male, they need sex 24/7, and think about it the same amount of time. I don’t know what to do, I love him, and don’t want to break up our family. But I don’t know at this moment if I still “love” him. He’s also afraid that he’s contracted HIV. He can be very paranoid about things though. He’s always been that way about medical things. I want to work this out, but from day to day, don’t know if he dose. HELP!

    • Jewels November 18, 2011, 7:09 AM

      Kris,

      I think that you and your husband should sit down and talk about what’s going on. If a man cheats, and HE does not fully know or understand why, he will do it again. There is something within him that thought it was ok to engage in the act, and it’s important to understand why. Know that he probably won’t know the answer himself, because men typically don’t self-reflect as much. Much you mentioned counseling, I think he needs some as well, I hope he is open to it. You mentioned that you are arguing, I am curious to know what the arguments are about and what he is doing that is upsetting you. He has to be willing to compromise during this time, he has to be committed, you can not commit for him. Keep in touch.

  • Hannah November 15, 2011, 11:27 PM

    I’m not sure if this thread is still open… But it seemes very helpful and I would like some unbiased opinions suggestions. My fiancee and I have been toghter for 7 yrs (since I was 15) We have been in different states for 3 becasue I moved for school and he is in the military. We see each other for a total of maybe 14 days a yr. We are finally getting married in 2 months. However, on a quick 5 day visit in Sept I poked around in his phone. He has been texting a girl quite a bit, asking her to come to his room to study, or if she wants to walk to the store withhim (they live on a small base.) I was ready to end it after I saw those, but didn’t want to waste the 7 yrs together. I confronted him and he said that they were just friends, and she actually likes one oh his buddies. When he asked her to come over and study she said, “come to my room instead, the bed is more comfy, ha ha.” He replaied, “oh stop that you.” He said she was just kidding, yea right. I even called her to ask her to tell me truth, she said he is a great guy and I have nothing to worry about… I told him that I can’t ever trust him again, he never explained himsself to me. Now, 1 month later I’m looking though his phone text records (I’m basically skilled like a dectective, he has no idea I can do this). He texted her over 100x in one month, and time like 12 and 1am. How in the world do I confront him over this same issue again? What can I say, “I know I snooped through your phone last month, and found some stuff that makes me not want to get married, we “got over it” and I semi moved on… But, I just violated your privacy again and found out that you lying, you can’t be “just friends” with this text record, explain this to me please.”‘
    Long story short, he broke my trust even if they are just emotional friends, thats still not ok in my book, I dont have male friends out of respect for him, he obviously doesnt feel the same way. How do you heal over an event, then have it thrown right back at your face?

    • Jewels November 18, 2011, 7:18 AM

      Hannah,

      My sister had two friends about 2 years ago (they were about 21 and 22 years old) that were about to get married and a month before the wedding found out that the husband was cheated (one was a long distance relationship as well). Both canceled the weddings and now they have new boyfriends and are very happy. I know you haven’t caught him cheating, but you caught him lying, and not only lying, lying about another woman. Long distance is already hard enough, long distance and lying, you are going to constantly wonder. And any woman on here will tell you that lying can easily lead to secrets, which leads to cheating, etc. You can get a man that will respect you and not lie to you. We can’t tell you if you should stay or leave, but you have to really dig deep and ask yourself if you want to get married. Don’t think about the wedding, who is coming, what people will say, just deep down ask yourself if you really want this. Oh and by the way, once you get married, there should be no violation of privacy, he is your husband. Maybe you can start by talking to him and asking the same thing that I asked you, say something like, I don’t feel like you 100% want to get married, please be honest with me and let me know, I don’t want us to make the right decision here….etc.etc.

  • Theresa November 16, 2011, 9:38 AM

    Hannah,

    There is a book you should read called, “Not Just Friends” which talks about the betrayer, the hurt partner and the affair partner and how things get started on an affair. A person will NOT text someone of the opposite sex that many times, that time of night and make comments like the one you mentioned about her bed being more comfy if there weren’t having a relationship of some sort. My husband was doing that with someone he met as he was attending classes at school and she and he used that term alot, “we’re just friends” but they were sending naked pictures of each other with their texts. Friends don’t do that.

    Since he is not willing to own up to the truth and seems to feel he is doing nothing wrong, my opinion is to end the relationship especially since you are not married to him yet. I say this because anyone who does not recognize, acknowledge or admit their behavior is wrong will keep doing it.

    I wish you the best.

    Theresa

  • Ralmon November 16, 2011, 3:38 PM

    Kris: What he is gone 4weeks at a time! Did you communicate well on those times? Its easy to get lonely on such arrangements. Well, you want to keep your relationship, I think you should focus on it. Ask your family to help raise your children, and the two of you have a big talk and discuss what you are feeling and thinking. I think you should focus on him and your relationship for now.

    Hannah: Just Friends? I have heard a lot of times that some men and women who cheated started with ‘just friends’ situation. It started really as just friends but you know how things could go.

    I think you should confront him about it… which you just did. And then you need problem solving. I think you should not leave yet. Try to save your relationship first. First you should know more about him, you see only a few days a year, which is rather make it hard to really get to know each other. What he is and what he do on those days is important. Discus with him then research his answers (detective work?). Then decide if you really want to stay with him, you might not want what you learned.

    If you do want to stay. Then the relationship is worth saving somehow. Confront him again about his actions but ask more efficiently. Tell him what you feel about his actions. Do you feel jealous? Afraid? Hurt? Also find out he wants to text that woman a lot. What do he want with his relationship with the other woman? What does he like from your relationship? What he don’t like in your relationship? Ask questions that make him think deeply. Don’t condemn, rant, scream etc. Just talk peacefully and get information from him and lead him to self-discovery.

    Try to get to the real problem with your relationship. Maybe because he is a psychopath and just wants to suck your money dry. Maybe he is missing something from your relationship and is looking for it from someone else. Maybe he just love the other woman too. Maybe the two is setting you up. There are lots of possibilities. Your a good snoop so I know you could find out. Then after rooting out the problem decide what to do.

  • Elizabeth November 16, 2011, 4:57 PM

    I found out Sunday evening that my husband cheated on me with a co-worker. This woman started working with him about a year and a half ago after she and her husband moved from out of state. They didn’t have many friends and so she and my husband began a “friendly” relationship and he felt bad for her because she was so shy so the four of us began hanging out.
    Fast forward to this past summer, they started texting eachother A LOT. From what I could see (yes, I admit it, I checked his texts) they were mainly communicating about work-related things, but it was always late at night and all the time! I asked him to stop, he did for a while, then it continued. Then they started going out to happy hours by themselves – he said she and her husband were having problems and she didn’t have a lot of friends so he felt he should support her. I always thought this was kind of weird, but I guess I’m too trusting.
    This past weekend he told me they had “kissed” but that was it. But then her husband got angry and wants her to get my husband fired. Now that both their jobs are on the line, my husband had to fill out a report with every detail of their relationship to show that it was mutual. Unfortunately, I read it. And it was more than a “kiss”. This has been going on for months. He is at the moment in a meeting with his boss to see whats going on and I’m now irate over the full report.
    The problem is, we literally (I thought) had the PERFECT marriage. We’ve been together almost 7 years and are eachother’s best friends. The sex is great. We have great jobs. We have a lot in common and talk all the time. I don’t know how this could have happened. For a split second I thought “what did I do wrong? how could i have prevented this?” Then I got my act together and decided it is NOT my fault and if there were issues in our marriage he should have come to me.
    Initially I didn’t think at all about leaving him. After reading this full report I had a thought about it. I don’t think I am, but I don’t know how I’m ever going to trust him again.

    • Jewels November 18, 2011, 7:26 AM

      Hello Elizabeth,

      It seems like your husband is your best friend and everything is great outside of this issue. It seems like you want things to work out. Your husband has to want to work it out as well. And the first step is him coming clean with everything. Him coming clean is so important, it means that he is done with the games, he is done playing hiding things etc. So I am not sure at this point if he knows that you read the report, if not, I would tell him the marriage is in jeopardy and he needs to come clean with what is going on, so that you can move on. Once he does that, the real work begins. I think you would benefit from marriage counseling, because like I stated earlier, he has got to get to the point where he knows and understands exactly why he did it, if not, he will be prone to doing it again. Lastly comes rebuilding trust, he has to make baby steps each day to show you that he is trustworthy again, he has to earn that. You are right, nothing you could of done to prevent this, not your fault. He made the decision to engage with this woman. Take Care!

  • Hannah November 16, 2011, 10:10 PM

    Thersa, thank you. I will see if I can find that book.
    Ralmon, thank you so much for your insight, I appreciate it :) I had a long talk with him about us. It’s not only the texting, it’s the fact that we have been geographicly apart for three yrs, it’s hard to not grow apart during that time. I think that is the real problem with us, I’m worried that we won’t be able to back to how great we used be so long ago. He thinks that once we are finally married and live together, it will be great. I hope so, but I have my doubts, who wouldn’t though.

    • Jewels November 18, 2011, 7:27 AM

      Hannah,

      One last thing, if you decide to get married and eventually live together, if I were in your shoes, I would wait a while to start having kids. When you live together it is a huge adjustment and you are doing to need that time to do just that. So take your time is all that I am saying :)

  • Samantha November 17, 2011, 12:18 AM

    You don’t want to be looking back in 5 years time and thinking I have wasted all these years on someone who has not emotionally grown or is uncapable of. It’s completely inappropriate for your partner to be texting this girls especially as she is obviously flirting with him. He needs to man up and stop all contact if he wants you by his side. Good Luck!

  • zfitzgerald November 17, 2011, 2:37 AM

    My husband ended up in the hospital with a massive stroke and i just found evidence that he had been cheating on me with two women. Text messages and emails confirmed this and they are both wondering where he is? I have two children how am i suppose to care for a man who has cheated on me to this extent? I am lost, confused and angry I feel like I need to protect myself and i want to confront him on this issue, my life as i know it is over. His body is not working well but his brain was not affected. I don’t know wht to do.

    • Jewels November 18, 2011, 7:34 AM

      Zfitzgerald,

      I am sorry to hear about your situation, you are hit with two major life events, your husband cheating and your husband’s stoke, I can imagine what you might be going through. I have never been in your situation but my first thought is his health. I know you are all over the place emotionally, but if he is in a state where his body is not working well, then I think that you should be there for him as a wife. But at the same time, it does not erase what he did, and once he gets to the point where he is more stable, it warrants a serious talk. Also during this time you make sure you take care of yourself. Finding out your husband cheating is one of the most stressful times in your life, doing that and taking care of him is alot, so make sure you make time to get some rest and down time so that you can stay healthy. Please keep in touch, regardless of what I or anyone says, always follow what you feel is the right thing to do, our thoughts are with you.

  • Ralmon November 17, 2011, 5:15 AM

    Hannah: You’re welcome. I’m glad I could help. I hope he learned from his mistakes and maybe yours too if you done one. I think your relationship would not be like it was long ago, relationship always change and a great trial like you have now creates BIG change; but whether it had become stronger or weaker… I don’t know, but I hope it become stronger.

    Elizabeth: Maybe you did have a happy marriage, no issues, but still a happy man could still cheat. You know, even if your married you could still cultivate attraction outside it. Its really easy to fall in ‘love’ to damsel in distress (a for a woman to love a knight in shining armor). You just wanted to help first, then the girl go ‘grateful’ with you, then you fall in ‘love’, then you make love… and then life goes to hell.

    So your correct, its his fault (and the other woman’s). If he had been honest with his relationship with the other woman you could have made action to stop it, but he kept it a secret an lied about it, thus, he does not give you a choice to do anything about it. He also should not gotten to deep with the other woman. He was happy with you but still he wanted more. He really got deep issues.

    And of course you can’t trust him. Who would? His actions speaks for himself for how a big liar he was. He had the biggest job in fixing your relationship. He had to gain your trust back and learn to be honest and open… and careful. Not to mention cooling the other woman’s husband’s wrath. His life, and the other woman’s life seems to be in hell now but they put themselves in it.

    Hope things go well. If you decided to stay, good, you’ll make your husband’s burden lighter and give him hope of a second chance. If not, you’ll leave proud knowing you done nothing wrong in the relationship.

    Thanks for sharing all your stories. They might be heartbreaking but they are full of things that should be learned.

  • Tina November 17, 2011, 4:45 PM

    Ok so I started going to counseling after finding out 7mths about my husbands affair and to learn that the other women is pregnant and not sure if my husband is the father so I’m really having a hard time with this! And the other women won’t leave me alone and she’s posting it on facebook while her friends cheer her on and think this is funny! She told me that she was glad to see that I’m miserable and she’s 40 yrs old acting like this! My god doesn’t she think she’s done enough I’m about to loose it here and she thinks its funny! How would her friends feel if it were there husband bet it wouldn’t be funny then. Don’t know how much more I can take!

  • Caz November 17, 2011, 6:17 PM

    zfitzgerald.
    My husband also had a stroke during his affair. I had no idea though and nursed him back to health.
    He became well again, and picked up where he left off with his affair. Getting her pregnant 5 months after the stroke.
    You would have thought the affair would have been a massive wake up call and he would have ended it, but no! He just carried on, as long as he got to do what he wanted!

  • LisaP November 17, 2011, 9:36 PM

    Zfitzgerald, I would text those women back pretending to be him stating that he wants nothing to do with them anymore that they are home wreckers and that he truley belongs with you. Believe me this feels good, I have done this to my husband OW and she stopped texting him and they no longer speak. Then when he is well confront him. Tell him nothing of what you did, he has been hiding his affairs from you so it’s your turn. Then make him decide what he wants, then you decide what you want. You may both want the same thing or not. But if you don’t want this relationship anymore then let him be. This will not happen overnight but in time you will find your inner strength. Just breathe………….

  • LisaP November 17, 2011, 9:55 PM

    It’s the end of the May-December line for Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. After six years of marriage and several weeks of silence over rampant rumors that he had an affair, the couple have decided to call it quits. The 49-year-old actress announced her divorce plans to The Associated Press Thursday, saying she’s doing it with “great sadness and a heavy heart.”

    Most women with money divorce their cheating husbands while most of us don’t have that option, so we stay. They can pay for all the help they need to get through this rough time in their lives. So here is they question, if you have money would you stay or go?

    • Jewels November 19, 2011, 3:21 AM

      LisaP,

      Great question LisaP, I might include this on a new post about Demi and Ashton. For me personally, I know I would of left sooner if I had the money. I was living with my husband, knowing that I was going to leave, but could not afford to leave until almost a year later. At the same time, I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. I know that because I stayed, I know for sure now that it was over. If I had money and I left sooner, I might not be as confident in my decision, I may of said, what if I stayed and tried to work it out? It’s an interesting dynamic, thanks for bringing up the question!

  • Theresa November 18, 2011, 9:53 AM

    This is in response to Lisa P’s question that “if you have money would you stay or go?”

    I am not wealthy like the Hollywood elite but money would still not motivate me to leave or go. I don’t think I would feel any different about my situation and would still pursue the same path I have done.

    What is interesting to point out here is that when a woman’s husband cheats, the wives assume it is because they aren’t pretty enough, skinny enough, young enough, etc. Society also communicates to us that if we want to “keep our man” we have to be beautiful. If this were true, why do the husbands of some very incredible beautiful woman and wealthy women (Maria Shriver, Demi More, Hali Berry, etc) cheat? It’s not about our looks, money or fame. The reason is because it’s about the man and who they are, their own insecurities or hangups and about the relationship and if it is vulnerable to an affair.

    I think Jewels wrote that unless a man understands why he had the affair and accepts responsibility, he will do it again is true. So, this is the real decision maker for me to decide to stay and reconcile is that he is accepting responsibility and going to treatment to understand the why. If he did not do this, I would not stay regardless of the money.

    Thanks for posting your question Lisa.

    Theresa

  • Samantha November 19, 2011, 3:07 AM

    z fitzgerald

    Don’t feel guilty if you decide to leave your husband after his stroke. The most important person is you and your worth, if you want to give him a chance to explain and go and seek help thats OK too.

  • Caz November 20, 2011, 4:04 PM

    Not sure if I should still be posting on here anymore as I am no longer staying.

    I bit the bullet and left. I posted an update, and am now posting another.
    I feel so frustrated! He is stil trying to sap the energy out of me.
    He, by all accounts, started a new casual relationship before I actually left. He travels to visit friends, on a weekly basis, that we used to see together. He meets up with one particular woman who he appeared to be close to before our split, and has been seen by many people, ‘all over her’, basically they are very touchy feely and stand with their hands on each others butt!
    I visited the same area last night, after asking him to stay away, and I received texts acusing me of sleeping with a mutual friend!
    I spoke to with woman concerned, who everyone says is sleeping with him. I told her I wished them well, I just wanted to be left in peace.
    She denied sleeping with him, but became very abusive towards me. I don’t know why, unless it is a guilt thing, and she is sleeping with him! I have done nothing wrong but am still being treated like I have.
    This woman was then out with the same friends as me, she was again aggressive towards me, so much so that it was commented on by others. She actually stood with her back to me all night, and pulled faces everytime I spoke! She is almost 50!
    When I returned to my friends house (a different friend), I was upstairs speaking to a male friend before going to bed, when the phone rang. He had actually phoned his girlfriend at someone else’s house, knowing I was there!
    She then told him I was in bed with my friends brother, a complete lie.
    He is now telling me he is going to counter petition the divorce on the grounds of my adultery! The adulerty I have not committed, yet I can’t divorce him on his and he has a child as proof!
    Why can’t these men realise the damage they have done and just let us move on!

    • Jewels November 22, 2011, 12:04 AM

      Hello Caz,

      That women is really acting petty, she is very negative energy, stay away from her at all costs. Stay away from anyone who is accusing you of anything, it’s not worth the drama. People that are full of drama love it, when you ignore it and don’t entertain it, they look dumb. So if you ever happen to be in her presence again, ignore everything she says and does, act like she is not even there, because she is not worth your time.

      As far as your husband doing a counter petition, I really would talk to a lawyer where you live, I wouldn’t stress over it, I am not a lawyer by any means, so don’t take this as legal advice, but in most courts of law you have to prove things, gossip doesn’t count. Don’t entertain your husband, if he talks crazy, make up an excuse to leave or end the call, it’s not worth the drama! He is in dramaland and wants to pull you in as well, don’t accept the offer, lol!!

  • Rosa December 7, 2011, 3:20 PM

    Two month a go I discovered that my husband of 5 years cheated on me with a married woman. One time when my oldest son was couple month old (2 years a go) I saw a text to that woman where he wrote with a lenguage that you don’t use with a woman you are doing business, but when I confronted him, he told me that I didn’t have anything to worry, that she was a client who always refer him to other people (he works fixing houses) so they where friend but nothing more and that he was sorry for speaking to her in a flurty way, and because he is a good husband I believed him. The next day because i wasn’t shure i looked at the cel phone bill for the last two month (that time) and i saw that he talk to her a lot, but because he talk with a lot of client because of his business when i asked him and he told me that he was doing some work for her but that one was the last because she didnt want to pay him what she had to (she wanted discount) and because she was a pain because she always wanted to talked about the problem she had with her husband so i believed him and kept going with our lives.
    I thought he was the perfect man and husband. On september when my second son was 3 month old I don’t know why but i whent online and checked his cell phone bill and saw that he never stoped to talk to her, but this time every time she call him, she first called from her cell phone number and right away from a blocked number, so I got mad but instead of saying anything i whent online and bought a spy software for his cell phone that let me see averything he did and also listen to his calls. couples days later on a sunday night while my husband was in the bathroom i called from his cell phone to her cell phone but she didn’t answer. that monday he was talking to her when I call him so my call intercep their call so i was able to listen to the worst thing that I could hear. He was cheating on me. I call him right away and without yelling at him i asked him to come home to talk. He was mad beacuse i found out that he was cheating the way i did, but he told me that he only slept with her 3 times in 3 years (like because of that i couldn’t be mad, and that all men cheats at least one time in their life and he never changed with me in our relation) wich he never did actually. He always was a good husband and father and i never suspected anything until that day. He answered the questions i ask that day and because i love him and he told me he loves me we talked and i told him that i will forgive him and try to forget. He even show me who was the women, the thing is that couples days later every time a question pop out in my mind and i ask him he gets mad and we start fitting, i suggest going to therapy but he told me that i’m the onlyone who needs it, that he won’t go, he says that if i really one to forgive him i have to pass the page and let it go (easy for him to say right!). knowone knows about this, not even my sister, even i felt horrible the day i discovered the affair, the next day we whent to my niece party together with happy faces, the thing is i’m not shure anymore that i can forgivehim. I know that i will never forget this, but i’m having second thoughts about staying with him. we have to kids and i love him but just thinking in what he did makes me mad and sad. Why if i almost discover everything 2 years a go when i saw that text, why he didn’t left the things with her that day. Why if he says that he love me and that he wasn’t missing anything from our relationship, why he slept with her 3 times (thing that I’m shure that is a lie, i thinks it was more than that), Why every time i want to know something he get defensive, why he doesn’t whant to go to counseling. Please help me, I’m so confuse, I don’t know what to do and i’m felling horrible, I love him and i know he loves me, we have to babies together and i think of them daily. i didn’t even told him to get out of the house because I didn’t want him to miss any day with the baby and my other son because he is a really great father, but i’m angry, know two month since that day, we fight a lot everytime i got mad when something remember me of what he did, I don’t say anything to him but because my behave at that time change, he knows so we start fitting. please help me i’m so confused and hurt.

    • Jewels December 10, 2011, 11:25 PM

      Hello Rosa,

      I know it must be tough finding out the way that you did, especially after you caught this number a while back and he lied about the flirtatious emails and the number of times called, and never stopped talking with her. I know you stayed and do not feel bad AT ALL for not kicking him out, most women do not kick husbands out right after finding out, that happens mostly in movies. Most women can not do that anyway because of finances, kids, etc.

      The two things that concern me is your feelings and his attitude. I feel like you do not feel good about yourself, like you lost a huge part of your self-esteem through this, which is very common, especially if you are with a husband that is not being very cooperative. In time, you are going to have to make a call and see if you can still live with him and be happy yourself – that is huge. If you can not live with him and feel good about yourself, then I need you should look within and see why. If he doesn’t want to see a counselor, I think you should, and if that counselor coaches you right out of the relationship, he can not be mad, you offered.

      I honestly think your husband feels that he did no wrong, which is a problem. He feels he is a man, men cheat, he is a good husband and father, so what’s the big deal. The big deal is that you don’t feel like that strong, beautiful, women and wife that you felt before. The problem is more about him lying to you for 3 years versus the actual cheating. The problem is you don’t know what he is saying is true or not. The problem is that he did not tell you this was the arrangement when you got married. And it is a problem that he does not see any of this as a problem – geez!!

      He is defensive because he wants to avoid the conversation and continue to do what he is doing, and if you don’t talk, then he doesn’t have to face it. I wouldn’t force it, he is going to be responsible for his actions, you can not force him to go to therapy or talk about this, the only thing you can do is work on yourself, express to your husband how you feel, but don’t force it because it will not change him and will only stress you out, I already did that and with two young kids, the more you try to force him to understand the more it will start to really impact your health. Take Care and let us know how things go.

  • JB December 10, 2011, 10:22 AM

    It has been 2 months since I found out that my husband of 25 years had an affair. We have been together for 30– all of our adult life. I know this is a short time, but I wanted others to know that recovery can be full of new discoveries and you can find peace if you will just open yourself up to it— I was like everyone else here angry, sad, disappointed, heart-broken, etc… you all know the emotions that overwhelm you when you find out you have been betrayed. I didn’t catch them, I didn’t even suspect a thing- it really hit me “out of the blue”- I was told by the OW’s husband who is also a very close college friend of ours. Actually he was in our wedding- and our teenage daughters are best friends– So there is a long history with both families. He had caught them last May when he found an explicit sexual journal entry she had written- and he confronted her and she admitted to the affair with my husband. My friend had decided not to tell me then, because he wanted to try and work things out in his own marriage and felt that if they stopped the affair and they could recover in their own marriage there was no reason to tell me. There are other reasons he didn’t as well – his wife the OW, has a drug problem (pills) and he wanted try and get her help (again)- something they had been battling in private for many years–no one knew- not even my husband. Well the secret of the affair couldn’t be kept, things didn’t happen as my friend wanted they just got more complicated. Don’t they always? The affair took place for almost a year (it ended 8 months ago), and was according to them a “friends with benefits” thing- that part really made me angry, as if to say the benefits at home weren’t enough- our sex life was good by most standards- at least according to my girlfriends- I was having sex more than any of them. Even after my friend (the OH) gave them an ultimatium to stop all contact with each other- she wouldn’t- according to the phone records (which I immediately pulled) my husband did stop- but she wouldn’t stop trying to contact him. When she wouldn’t stop, her husband finally told her he was telling me– so he did. While I was in SHOCK to say the least, I also had great respect for my friend, he had to carry this burden all alone for so many months- to this day I still don’t know how he did it. Well, then all hell broke loose as they say- I wanted answers and I wanted them now! Why hadn’t my husband been man enough to tell me himself? Why did it happen? Where did it happen? What went wrong? What was wrong with me? Why her? How selfish and self-absorbed they both were. You know all the questions….My husband was visibly broken during that first explosive conversation- and for many more after that one. He was willing to do whatever I wanted – he would leave, get help, come clean on all levels, whatever it took- he never blamed me, he was regretful, scared, sad, and finally willing to tell me the truth about it all. I couldn’t even focus at that point and needed time to try and place all the pieces of my life in some sort of order- I just needed to survive and figure out what I wanted- we have 2 beautiful daughters and they were my first concern. Over the next few days and weeks I was able to sort through some of the intense feelings and find a few rays of light. Of course I still wanted to vomit at the sight of food, and was just trying to make it through each day with that horrible mask we all wear when this happens. One saving grace for me was the OH (my friend) he was there to make sure I didn’t fall too far, and was my shoulder and sounding board. Together we were able to finally put all the lies, secrets, and details of the affair in some order. Something we both had to do to move forward in our own lives. During this time, the OW (his wife)- was falling apart- she was out of rehab but couldn’t let go of the affair or my husband. I now know she was using again, and her life was spinning out of control. During a phone call at her house, her daughter overheard a conversation where she was telling someone about the affair with my husband (another incident of just how self-absorbed some people are- discrete not one of her virtues)- now the web was even more complicated. Their daughter was so distraught- with our daughters being best friends- our daughter had to be told- and she was going to hear it from the horses mouth not from her best friend. It was one of those moments in life that your heart is truly ripped from your body. Watching my husband fall apart while telling our child that he was a liar and had cheated on me with her best friends mother was one of the hardest things of this whole sorrid process. Not something I would wish on anyone– this is an adult issue, but when children enter into the process it really gets complicated.

    Now, to begin the healing part– my husband immediately found a therapist (on his own I have to add) and we both agreed to marriage counciling. It has been one rollercoaster of a Fall so far. We are working through all the pain, finding trust again, and discovering so much about life, love, and ourselves in the process– all of us. Our daughter has a therapist also. Which I urge everyone to find for themselves if you need help processing an affiar- it has saved my sanity. Each day it gets a little more clear as to why it happened and where we are going from this point on–not only us but also our family. We will save our marriage- that is clear to me now and one amazing thing that I have discovered about myself is that I am truly a strong woman- and I am worthy of so much more than I ever demanded from him. YES ladies- you have to demand being number one in your husbands life, you have to demand respect and attention. If we don’t, life gets in the way (jobs, stress, children), and you can get lost in the long list that will pile up on his platter. The same goes for us of course- we have to put them first. Through our therapy and LONG conversations (where every detail that I have wanted to know has been answered truthfully– Yes- I still check all his answers) we have begun a new era in our marriage- one that I know would have never happened without the affair. Not to say that we needed or wanted this to happen, but finding the good amongst all the pain and saddness is where our new life has emerged. We both know this is a long process and we work on it each and every day. I knew early on that this affair happened for a reason, I also knew that we had shared 30 years together- and in those years we had shared both tragedy and joy- when looking at my whole marriage I saw more moments of joy than saddness and knew that I wasn’t willing to throw it all away on this affair and especially on the OW– I have found personal peace with all of this through yoga- it has has helped me find myself again, and put myself first. If you haven’t ever tried yoga – I urge you to try a class out -if nothing else it gets you out of the house, a little exercise, and you meet new people. I also have this new amazing open relationship with my teenage daughter, for those of you that have teenagers you know what I am talking about when I say it is a “miracle”- part of both of our healing has been talking it all out- and realizing that being open -truly open with each other is the only way to find real happiness. I also hope that I have shown her that life is not always easy, but how you handle yourself as a woman is so important- I could have been a lunatic and angry all the time, but I chose to be calm, centered, and find my own focus on this- so I can truly process it. Hopefully she will carry that with her in life and find some security and strength when she begins to build relationships in her life with men. Of course it is not easy, and there are days when questions continue to invade my thoughts, but I know that I can pick up the phone or sit down and ask anything and it will be answered honestly and immediately without hesitation on my husbands part. That is something we never had before even after so many years together. The drama of the other couple continues as they didn’t make it, but they are finding their own path out of this affair. While I am supportive of my friend and his pain as he goes through a divorce, I always keep my marriage and happiness front and center in my life. Thank you for this website, thank you to all the strong women out there that are once again finding out just how much strength they have, and most importantly thank you for bringing all of us together to share our recoveries from this life changing event. There is strength in numbers and together we will all find our way. Thanks for letting me share my story.

    • Jewels December 10, 2011, 11:09 PM

      Hello JB,

      What a wonderful story. It seems like your husband had all the indications that he wants to work things out (being very open, seeking therapy on his own, ect). The women on the site that have told me they stayed have husbands that are just as dedicated and they all say the same thing – that through the experience they learned depths of each other that they have never known before, and that through the pain and tears, there is a new bond within the marriage that is really strong. I wish all relationships went like this after the affair, but i know like you said that everything happens for a reason and that everyone has their own journey. And how great that it brought your daughter and you together (when I read that the OW daughter found out through a phone conversation, and that your daughter and her daughter are friends, my heart just went ‘oh no’, so I am happy that you established a positive bond with your daughter through this. And I tell you what, I have to give it to your husband to sit down in front of his daughter and say that is good, yes it was painful, but not every man would do such a thing, but in his being so open and honest during the fallout of everything, his actions on how the both of you handled this will teach her so much about life. Thanks again for sharing your story, I wish you the best.

  • Natalie December 11, 2011, 6:26 PM

    I recently found out my husband had an affair years ago during a difficult time in our marriage. My husband ended the affair after realizing that he wanted to save our marriage. Somehow in his stupid brain he thought he could stay friends with the woman. We have since moved to another city. I found out because he was back in our old city for business and she found out he was there. Her repeated calls to him went unreturned so she began calling our house and hanging up. After 2 days, with the 8th call she finally told me not to trust my husband. When he returned from his trip I told him about the calls and told him that if this was not a prank and he knew what was going on he needed to come clean. He confessed all.

    He has agreed never to have contact with her again and he has said all the right things. He has shouldered all the blame and said it is all his fault. He has said he prayed about it and asked God for forgiveness. He has said he loves me and our family (3 kids) and wants to prove it, even though he knows it may take years. He has agreed to go to counseling.

    I am not afraid to be alone but sadly, I do love my husband and my family. I believe he is being sincere but I have a hard time reconciling how someone who loves you can hurt you so deeply. I don’t know how to trust him and I don’t know how to get past this. I am very concerned about how this will effect our children either way. But I am willing to try to save our marriage of 18 years that has produced 3 beautiful, smart and happy children.

    • Jewels December 13, 2011, 5:23 AM

      Hello Natalie,

      Welcome to the site. I feel that your husband made a mistake. The OW typically calls the wife when the husband is non-responsive. In my pain and hurt from the situation myself, I didn’t realize that was happening in my case. So he probably was being non-responsive and she probably got mad and told you. Secretly it’s probably good that she is acting a little crazy it’s probably teaching your husband a good lesson on taking care of what he has.

      He seems to be saying the right things, the proof will be in his action. He is going to have to build trust from the ground up and the fact that he knows it might take some years is music to my ears, we live in a society that wants everything quick, well with trust being broke it’s just not that way.

      So you want to fight for your marriage with a husband that is sorry and wants to fight for the marriage – good news. In order for it to be successful, you both are going to have to work on the marriage (building trust, getting to understand each other more) and yourself (he has to understand why he did what he did, you have to deal with your personal emotions around the affair). It can be done. If you are in a position to get therapy (individual and/or group), do so, it will speed up the process. You can not trust him right now, he has to earn it and build it up. It starts by calling when he is going to be late, and then if you call him, he picks up. It starts by being transparent with his phone (you dont need to check it everyday, but if you ask, he should let you see it). It might be things he has never had to do, but you have to do those things to save the marriage.

      Do the children know? Either way – do not stress about how it will impact them, I know it’s hard as a mom. Worry about how you are dealing with the situation, they are going to follow your leave with actions. Meaning if they see mom down and out for years, they will see that and make conclusions. If they see mom down for a little while and then see her eventually bounce back to her normal self, you teach them that things happen in life, but you can overcome, so focus more on how you personally are dealing with it, and your children will be fine. I hope things work out with you and your husband, it is possible with a man like your husband that is willing to do what it takes.

  • vicki December 12, 2011, 2:26 AM

    I have just found out about and I feel like Im dying I can’t eat or sleep I have taken the phone of the hook I don’t want to see or speak to anyone.

    • Jewels December 13, 2011, 5:37 AM

      Hello Vicki,

      You are in the devastation stage. I felt like I was losing my mind, I had no desire to eat as well, it felt horrible. But I got through it, and many women on this site got through it, and you will as well. Get some rest, your brain needs to rest, try to eat something, and know that whatever you are going through you will get through.

  • LisaP December 12, 2011, 8:16 PM

    @Natalie, welcome to this site. It gives us all a voice to express our anger at our husband for doing us wrong. Your anger is justified and he made the choice to cheat, not you. You did nonthing wrong, try not to take the blame for anything though at some point you will feel like something is your fault. At least he is taking responsibility for his actions. Yes it may take years for the trust to come back. I am still working on the trust in my relationship after 24yrs of marriage and the last 5yrs of my marriage he had on-line affairs and sex forum groups, I am past the anger and working on the trust still. Take it day by day and you will find your path as to what to do. There is no answer but your own. Have your husband change his cell number and if you can find a way to block her calls on you house line. If not change #’s and do not have it listed. She still may call you to make you feel bad because she can’t have him anymore so she is trying to hurt you. If your children are old enought tell them about it, if not, then don’t. They will find out in there own time as the years go bye. Or you can do what my husband did. He sat down with the kids and told them everything. They kids will be mad at there dad. But he needs to show the kids that he was the one that made this problem happen and that he has to fix it to the best of his ability.

  • Ella December 13, 2011, 6:42 AM

    Hello — I have been posting under a different subject, but have been reading this topic as well. I have stayed after my D-Day back in March. Multiple “emotional” type of affairs. Caught the most serious one (involving the L-word) before it became more physical. Did know they kissed, and I know she wanted to try to figure out how to do an overnight. She is married with a 9-year old little boy. anyway — I discovered this and it ended, but also found out that during this time of stress in my husband’s life (getting a new job, stepson moved in with us and wasn’t really working, etc and other kids not doing well in life) he was “flirting”/going out after work with others too. Devasted beyond belief. But he is in counseling, has changed his ways, always home, wants to be a “better person”. It’s hard as there have been multiple offenses. And when I see things in the media, I just get so depressed. And I don’t know what to do over the holidays — don’t feel like giving him anything, but then I think I’m sabotauging any chance of saving my marriage. I’m so stuck. And then I think of Valentine’s Day coming up and the anniversary of his A. I’m literally sick to my stomach. Any advice on this?

    • Jewels December 14, 2011, 7:10 AM

      Hello Ella,

      Are you in counseling or have you considering individual counseling? Your journey of healing through this is just as important as his. It seems that you are going through some strong emotions around the holidays that center around ‘he cheated’ does he deserve anything, but if I don’t, will he get mad? I don’t want you to feel sick over things that are not even here yet, daily life is enough to deal with, we are not made to stress over things in the future. So here is what I would do. Instead of being worried over how to act over the holidays – you do what FEELS right to you. Meaning, take everything out of the picture, think about how you would feel getting him a gift, and how you would feel not getting him a gift, and whatever emotion FEELS better to YOU – do that. Does family know? If they do that might have something to do with how you feel. Even if they do know, this is your life. Let how you feel be your guide. This is part of putting Ella first. I think the problem is that you might be thinking about how he would react versus how you feel. And here is why I want you to focus on doing what you feel. Let’s say you don’t want to give him a big gift, but feel bad so just get it. You probably won’t be as excited about it, and he might pick up on it. Who wants to have a gift from someone that really didn’t want to give it to him? But let’s say you decide to get a small gift this year, and that is what you feel is the right thing. You tell him, this year is a little different, we have been through alot, and I have been stressed over what to do about gifts. What I decided to do is not get you a big gift, because I just felt like it would not be genuine and I didn’t feel good about it. So I got you a smaller gift to say that although i am still hurt and in healing, but I appreciate the effort you are making to mend the marriage, so with that, I got you a small token of my appreciation. If you feel that way and say that to him, that will feel better to you. And he might not react the way you want, but again, he might not react the way you want even if you do not do what you feel is right. Hopefully this response wasn’t too confusing. Take Care….

  • Natalie December 13, 2011, 2:13 PM

    @Lisa, while this is still very new (to me) we are working on steps to get past this. The first step was changing the home phone number to an unlisted number. Changing his cell phone is more complicated unfortunately. It is issued and paid for by his company so changing it would need approval and a lot of red tape. However, he has shown me an apologetic text he received from the OW and he also showed me that he deleted it and that he has since blocked her number. I am not sure what telling the kids will accomplish other than dragging them into the pain and nightmare that I am living with. Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best with your journey.

    @Jewels, thank you so much for this site. It seems to be one of the few things that is getting me through each day. My husband does seem to be very remorseful and said that he told the OW that he had no intention of leaving his family. When she didn’t get the message is when he started ignoring her and she started calling. He also does seem to be trying to do and say all the right things to prove to me that he wants to fight for us. He offered to go to marriage counseling and counseling on his own. Right now I just need to work on myself so I am going to go on my own and if he goes on his own is up to him. He had done everything that I’ve asked and answered every question I’ve asked. I’m am trying not to ask about the sordid details because those are things I just don’t want to know. The kids do not know, but they do know something is going on. I have only been able to hide my pain so much. I look terrible (bags under the eyes), I don’t eat and when I do, I get sick. I have told them that I have a stomach bug and I can’t sleep. The oldest (14) seems skeptical but I don’t know what else to say. My hope is that over time I can get past this and I can keep my family together. I have worked to maintain a happy, comforting home for 18 years and maybe we can get back there in time.

    • Jewels December 14, 2011, 6:19 AM

      Natalie you are so welcome. I understand not wanting to know, I wanted to know so bad and when the OW called me with details, those things were hard to let go of. Glad your kids don’t know. Kids are amazing sensors they can tell when mommy isn’t right. For your teenager, I think it’s safe to say mommy is going through something personal, which is why you haven’t seen me be my normal self. Sometimes this happens in life, and I am working through it, dad is helping my through it, and things will be ok. Or else she might start to think stomach bugs last weeks on end…lol. Keep fighting for your marriage.

  • caz December 13, 2011, 4:40 PM

    Another update.
    Life is incredibly difficult financially, and emotionally I am very down. I move out of my parents tomorrow into rented property. I have only felt this alone once before and that was when I discovered his affair.
    My job is very insecure at the minute and I have been told, as my name is on the deeds, I am unable to make a claim for any benefits. It is so ridiculous as I will shortly have no income at all!
    Despite all this I still know I made the right decision to leave. My soon to be ex has shown his true colours to all around him.
    He has already cheated on the woman he was involved with during the last few weeks of our relationship, and in the last few weeks has slept with numerous people.
    Do leopards change their spots? Not in his case!
    The thing that annoys me is he won’t sort out financial matters and is spending lots of money on taking other women out! I find that so frustrating as I am really struggling!

    • Jewels December 14, 2011, 6:49 AM

      Hello Caz,

      Good to hear from you, sorry to hear you are going through it financially. As part of the divorce will you get any help financially? That sucks that he is going around spending on all these women and wont help you at all, even if you left, as a man, he should want to make sure you are ok. Concerning finances, I dug myself into a mental frenzy over finances. And the more I thought about it, the bigger hole I dug. I woke up one day and said this is not working, I am miserable and constantly worried about money, I would literally have all these situations in my head of what will happen. So I said, what the heck, I am going to chance this story, I am going to think about what I do have. I am going to focus on the positive, and to hell with everything else. So if I had enough to pay a bill, eat, and get gas, I would be appreciative of that. I would tell myself, it worse came to worse, I can move across country and live with my parents. Some people can’t do that. And I promise you Caz, for me, the more I started focusing on the money I do have, the more money started coming into my life. I didn’t happen overnight, but it happened. I know you are feeling down, and might not be in a position to do what I am telling you, but at the very least, tell yourself this everything. There are amazing opportunities around me that will give me the lifestyle and financial security that I want, and I am thankful of what is to come. Tell yourself that everyday and believe it, and after a couple of weeks, you mind is going to expand and you are going to see opportunities that you did not see before. Just try it, you have nothing to lose from trying. I know you feel alone with your financial problems and your husband, but you are so not alone.

  • LisaP December 14, 2011, 11:20 AM

    Good morning ladies. I wanted to let you know I tried an experiment over the weekend. I decided to see what this AshleyMadison site was all about. So I set up a false profile, put in my correct age and weight and said I was married and just looking for Love and company. That was Saturday morning, when I went back Sunday night I had over 200 emails asking me to send pictures to these men. Well I thought I would look at some of their profiles too to see how they listed their status. Almost everyone listed themselves as married looking for fun expect for 3 guys said they were single. Most of these emails sent to me included naked pictures of themselves. Wow really? No wonder why these guys get hooked on these sites, it instant gratifiction so many women to choose from. Well I deleted the profile after that experiment and thought, what happened to the old fashion way of meeting someone? In this computer age are people loosing the ability to comunicate one on one face to face? We are losing our people skills, what really matters in a relationship, that first look when you see someone you like and want to get to know. We are losing the intimacy of relationships!

  • Theresa December 14, 2011, 12:34 PM

    Lisa P.

    Isn’t it amazing that married people don’t seem to have a problem “looking for fun” but don’t think that their fun puts their wives at risk physically and they are risking their marriages. Most men don’t think they will get caught or that their wives will “get over it”. They “think” it is just a physical thing because to them it is. They do not see marriage as an intimate relationship and I agree with you that our society has lost that concept.

    Since the “free love” movement of the 1960’s we have changed what love looks like. Hollywood demonstrates that every day with changing partners like they change socks and the tabloids say the have a “new love”. I watched a prime time documentary series on pornography, one of which was called Porn Nation. The program interviewed representatives from the porn industry who have said that sales are declining because of all the free porn out on the Internet so they have started a new segment of the industry to boost revenue. The new industry is adult hookup sites like Friend Finder or Ashley Madison to name a few. Men are blinded by thinking these are other women who want “me” but it really is big business wants their wallets. Granted there are women who agree to play along but the men and women are all pawns in the game of the big business of porn.

    In the interviews, the industry reps were asked about intentionally setting their keywords for the web search with misspellings or ways kids might spell something. The reps and other analysts studying this said they do that so people, mainly boys, get hooked when they accidently pull up a site when they are searching for something else. They are grooming the younger generation so once they are hooked on porn; they will provide a continuous revenue stream for the industry.

    Yes, ladies, our men are weak and stupid. And, our society (and that is all of us) by not standing up against it and changing how we want to be treated is responsible. For those with children, you can talk to our kids about the dangers of pornography as you would about alcohol. Talk to your daughters about how they should be treated and model it. If we are accepting poor behavior from our husbands, the kids see this as how it is supposed to be. We have to be the gatekeepers. Men need to wise up and be men who don’t mean screw everything that spreads it’s legs.

    My husband claimed to have a “standard” and said he would never go to a prostitute but had no problem screwing easy women. I asked him why and he said it was “disgusting to think that some other guy’s was just having sex with her. I said, “do you think these women on the hook up sites or women who are easy are just having sex with you? They are having with random men the same as you are having it with women. You are entrusting your health and my health into the hands of a total stranger who doesn’t care about you every time you have sex outside of a monogamous relationship.” That is when the light bulb went on and he saw it as not “love” but just animal behavior.

    Women it does affect our health. I went to my GYN for my annual checkup and asked for a full STD screening including checking for the virus for cervical cancer, which is spread through sex like STDs. My GYN asked me how long I had been married and when I told her she said, “Well, you don’t need to be screened because you have been in a monogamous relationship”. I said, I HAVE BEEN but my husband has not. She checked me and thankfully, I came up negative for the cervical virus but my husband transmitted Genital Herpes to me. I now have a permanent reminder of his infidelity.

    So, men are killing their marriages and transmitting diseases for self-gratification. Is it worth it?

  • LisaP December 14, 2011, 2:18 PM

    Theresa, It’s also amazing at how much money these sites can cost. My husband at the time was spending $175 on AshleyMadison and $9.99 a month on cell phone sites. Those are the ones that I knew about. I think I figured he spent $2000 in one year on his fantasy. He would buy goat weed pills and other erection pills to keep up with his desires. The man was 50yrs old hitting on 18 and under, so sick when you think about it. When I was that young I never wanted to be with a man in his 50’s! The way I found out about everything he did was I bought a computer monitor program that till this day I still have running because I don’t turst him. I even installed it on a new laptop we just bought for our son. I even told him to his face I better not see Porn on my son’s computer. He just huffed and walked away.

    • Jewels December 14, 2011, 11:04 PM

      Lisa/Theresa – I never even heard of goat weed pills, I did a quick search on google and wow over a million sites mention these pills!

      My eyes have literally been opened by both of your comments and how alot of this is a plot to get men addicted to the sex and porn online, so they will come back and pay for more, and I can totally see people in porn getting made with free and converting to membership sites like ashley madison, whatever it takes for the ol mighty dollar, it’s a shame. And many husbands get sucked right in and end up spending money, hurting us emotionally and physically (with STD’s etc.). Thanks for sharing both of your thoughts, very interesting conversation, I am going to consider watching that documentary, it seems very interesting.

  • LisaP December 14, 2011, 2:34 PM

    @vicki from Australia, You are in the most painful moment of your life. I vomitted first then I fell to the ground and rolled up in a ball and cried for hours when I found out. To make matters worse the way he found out that I knew about the affair was from the OW she called him because I contacted her first. My husband then finally admitted to the affair with this OW because he was unhappy in our marriage. He didn’t have the balls to tell me first! he blamed me for everything. I felt like dying right there. The next 2yrs of my life were hell. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I lost so much weight people thought I had some kind of illness.. I had panic attacks too, because I never understood how a person who swore to love me tell death do us part can do something like this. I just wish men would leave a marriage rather than hurt their families with the conscientious of an affair or getting the OW pregnant! You can get through this, we all did! keep us posted and we will listen.

  • lack December 15, 2011, 1:10 AM

    There is a possibility that I will be at an event with the OW soon, supposedly none of our friends know about what has happened with my husband which mean they could easily introduce me to her. It’s been 6 mos since I found out about the affair. Since then despite the paranoia I still trust him as far as I can throw him. It’s amazing how alike our stories are, our feelings, our sick to our stomachs. At least one good thing came out of this, I lost about 60 lbs! Knowing myself I probably won’t do or say anything to this woman if I do see her, a lot is riding on this event though. I will be watching my husband like a hawk. I’m tempted to ask him if she will be there (he knows the people organizing the event better than I so he would know if she would be invited or not). We don’t talk about it at all. He is constantly telling me now that I am the best thing in his life but in my mind I still think of the things they wrote eachother on fb and imagine his hands on her and hers on him and the feeling of devastation overwhelms me then.

  • Theresa December 15, 2011, 11:50 AM

    Jewels/Lisa,

    Thank you for your comments. The books that got me started in understanding all of this is “Every Man’s Battle” and “Out of the Shadows”. The books address porn addiction for men. When I was in the middle of my first year since D day, I saw the documentary on TV.

    What is legal in society is often also associated with what is “normal” or okay to do. Not everything that is legal is healthy for us. Food is legal but too much of unhealthy food can destroy our health. We have to use discernment for our families. While it is true, we cannot protect our children from everything and when they are teens and beyond, they will make their own choices. However, we can show teach them and model for them what is healthy so they will know the difference. Lisa made a point that we have lost our understanding of what intimacy is in a relationship. The reason we have lost it is due to the fact that we don’t have anything to really compare so we know the difference. My parents had a very unhealthy marriage and they were my “model” for what was normal. I had NO IDEA that there was something better so I accepted my husband’s behavior as “normal”. Now, I KNOW that there is something better and I am standing for it and demand it.

    I hope you all can too.

    Theresa

  • jeannie December 15, 2011, 2:28 PM

    lack, In my opinion, you have every right to know if the OW might be at this special event if it is possible to find out without causing questions from other people. Husbands lose their right to privacy when they cheat. I don’t know any names of OW but I did ask what cities they live in and all info regarding chances of meeting them at work functions. He had his two affairs while travelling on business, with married women who worked with the same company. He has a new job now but that’s no guarantee. I have only known for a month but I refused to go to his company Christmas party because I’m so exhausted. He told his boss I was “out of town” and he would be going alone. I said, I don’t think so mister and you can tell your boss you will not be there due to family issues or whatever but don’t make me part of your lies. So he did. However, I’ve had to go to other events with him recently and I found it better to detach from what he is doing and talk to other people. Turns out that bothered him, that I was enjoying myself. I did not flirt with anyone, not my style. My friend ,who knows, was watching him but I did not ask her to. It took away his power over me and showed that I am my own person. It’s too exhausting to watch him like a hawk. If you can afford to, I’d be booking hair, nail appointments and have a trusted friend help you choose a flattering outfit. My goal is to act like a lady whenever possible and rise above his lies. If I did meet the OW I would like to look her in the eye and say nothing. Apparently I have “a look” that freezes Hell. I am not the type of person to say things to people if they are rude or have hurt me. I detach whenever possible. So these are just my opinions, you do what works for you. I may sound strong but I am not really, I’m more angry, but certain things I will not do.

  • Ella December 15, 2011, 4:49 PM

    Thank you Jewels for your response. I am in counseling. It’s going ok, but I find the Christmas thing more about questioning my feelings about my husband in general. Do I really want to give him a gift because I love him? Or are my feelings for him really changing? I have chosen to stay (for now) — thinking I want to reconcile, but some days my feelings for my husband are not there. I am concerned I may never get them back and then I will have made the commitment to stay but not feel truly fulfilled (despite his efforts to fix things) — I think multiple transgressions make it much worse. Even though he didn’t sleep with her — it was headed in that direction and I caught it in time. He claims it was an emotional connection to escape all of the stress he was feeling. But he used the L word and so did she. It just makes me question that he really does love me — or did he really even love anyone? Does he know what that really is and what marriage vows mean? He says it was wrong — but he knew it then too. They are so selfish. I will use your advice for Valentine’s Day — that was in the throws of the “A”. So I will be in NO mood to even think about that day. What a farce. He had a nice dinner out with me on Valentine’s Day — then, the next night took her to her car in a limo and got her nice gifts. So I still have anger — my therapist says my ups and downs are normal and as that as long as over the continuum I have more positive days, then that is part of the recovery. She thinks it takes a minimum of 8 months for the true impact of an A to take hold and really sink in. This is the period she believes I’m in, but that I will be ok as long as I continue to take care of myself. I think about this whole situation every day and just wonder if my marriage can be better — I just worry that my feelings won’t recover. Question for LisaP — you reconciled — do you feel that it is better now? Or just different? Lack — I don’t know what I would do in your situation of running into the OW. I get sick just thinking about it. I hope it goes ok for you. You will be strong.

  • LisaP December 15, 2011, 8:11 PM

    Ella, yes I reconciled, more than once. I know it sounds weird but my situation is a little different from others. My husband is an alcoholic and sex addict. When he started his online affair he wasn’t a drinker. But as time went on and I found out about his emotinal affair with in 4months he was hiding his booze. We would have fights over his affair and he kept thinking he was doing nothing wrong. Just fun, his words. He felt if he wasn’t touching her is was ok. He sent text and pics for months promising her the moon. Calling her Mrs. (my last name), wifey, and princess and saying he could marry her as soon as he divorced me. But he has never met her face to face. Only phone calls and IM’s. She fell for it hard. Once I told him to stop he was in too deep. She would call him on his work phone so I wouldn’t know. Well it all came to a big explosion of emotions from me we I found out he was going to meet her on our family vac to DisneyWorld. Her family also was planning a trip there too. Her husband called me the night before to tell me of her plans and my husbands. (she left her IM’s open when he got home from work) He just picked up the phone and called the white pages till he found our number. They lived in Chicago us in California. so I thought they would have never met. We left the next day for Disneyworld and her husband canceled their trip. Well after that trip I kicked him out of the house and went to divorce lawyer for information. My financials were all over the place and I have two autistic sons to consider and their future. 3 months later while my husband was living at his 80yr old parents house he came crawling back begging me to try us again. I agreed beacuse I felt something was always off about him. Well I jumped the gun at letting him back in because I knew he had not changed. Within another 3 months I kicked him out again I felt I couldn’t live with him. Well that lasted 4 months when he came crawling back again saying he was a fool and we were the best thing ever. I said ok but my guard was up I put a computer program on his laptop and watched him spiral down getting hooked on porn and other sites. All this time he was drinking and hiding it from me. I told him to stop but he only got mad at me then he threw his laptop across the room saying how I wanted to control him. So with his lap top broken he couldn’t watch porn anymore. That’s is what I thought. The lap top screen was broken and not visable but the keyboard still worked so he hooked it up to a old monitor in a desperate need to watch porn. So when I found that out I destroyed the rest of the computer. The last two year I have confronted him on his usageof porn and then his drinking as he got sloppy over those two years and I started finding bottles everywhere. The last fight we had was just back in July 2011 when we came back from vacation only to have me find he was texting the OW about our vacation but leaving out the fact that we were still married. This was for one week of texting. (at this time we had seperate cell phones from when he moved out) I wanted a divorce right there! He played me for over 4yrs while I was the one trying to keep us together. He gave me his password to his phone and I text his OW all night pretending I was him saying some nice things the first text then it got really nasty and bad. I pretended that he wanted to have sex with her little girls and have only anal sex with her.I also told her his was drunk too, I know this was wrong of me but I needed her to think of him as a sexual preditor and to not have anything to do with him. I texted her all night long, then two weeks later. She never once responded to his text. The next day he started going to AA meetings and then church. He switched his phone to my plan and has bent over backwards to keep me happy and not be that man anymore. I finally have my husband back, the man I married and loved. He tells me all the time he will make this up to me and has too for the years I put up with his shi*. His family never knew the whole truth but I made him tell them. They now understand what was going on between us all those years. What is really strange to find out now is his sister is an alcoholic as well as their father. I thank him every day for taking the steps to being a better person because now it’s his choice not me nagging him.

  • LisaP December 15, 2011, 9:45 PM

    This is something I posted on my FB page the day I forgave my husband.

    The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.– To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you!—Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.—Forgiveness is the final form of love,–One forgives to the degree that one loves. –

  • ella December 16, 2011, 7:55 AM

    LisaP — Oh my — I am amazed at your strength of character to endure what you did and that you are so strong. I’m happy for you. We never know what we are getting ourselves into. I heard a victim of abuse once say that it’s more prevalent than you realize and that the stranger you are standing next to could have a really sad story. It’s soooo true. The more I talk to people I realize what goes on. Your FB post is also amazing. I hope I get there. I have forgiven and see a weakness in my husband that he is really trying to fix. He says he is tired of hurting other people — especially the people he loves. When I discovered his “activities” — I asked him point blank if he liked who he was — he is a cheater — he lied to his wife and to his own kids. He was out with other men’s wives….other kids’ mothers. (Although from the emails I found, the women were often the aggressors in setting up the lunches, rides home, drinks after work! It takes two!) He was now labeled a cheater — he cheated on me and on his own kids. (He didn’t sleep with them, but kissed one of them and used the L word with her and they fell for the flirtation….and these married women were definitely open to more — I think they were thinking he could leave me). I asked him if that was how he would like to be known and that his reputation now is that. Was that how he was raised? Really? Is that what he wants his kids/family to think of him? I think that really got to him and opened his eyes. He now says he was so pathetic — and that the women were too — they could commiserate instead of facing issues. I’m starting to think my H is passive/aggressive as he never engages in conflict — AT ALL. Completely avoids it. They don’t think straight or think about the risks. Just the “feeling” at the time. I’m so sad that we all are going through this. I’m happy you have found peace. I hope it comes to all of us one day. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It helps us all to understand we are not alone and that we can be stronger coming out of it.

  • LisaP December 16, 2011, 8:28 AM

    Ella, yes I have become alot stronger over the last 4 1/2 yrs. I had to for my own sanity and for my kids. Up until his cheating we never had one fight. I guess we were both passive/aggressive, I just felt there was no need for fights. We got along very well in the being we could almost think what the other thought. (that’s what it felt like, young love). My strength didn’t come over night but only within the last 2yrs of this mess. Now I speak my mind to everyone. Even my mother said wow, look at you not putting up with any shi*. During the mess I was so weak and exhausted that I did just wanted to die. But at some point my body just said Fight! So I did. Ella, I am glad you see strength in me and that’s why I am here for the women who have been hurt too. We can all get through affairs one way or another.

  • Natalie December 16, 2011, 10:26 PM

    So it’s been almost 2 weeks since D day. I still feel very shattered at finding out and am trying to recover some sense of my self. But I still cry every day, I find it very difficult to eat and have lost about 5 lbs. Two things that have made me think and try to decide what I want. First, while discussing xmas presents for the kids my H said to me that he wasn’t going to get me anything this year. The reason he said was because the only thing I really want he can’t give me and that is to turn the clock back and change what he did. Anything else would be a little artificial.

    Second, in my journey to understand/make sense of all this, I keep asking about the affair, but not necessarily the OW. Did you use the L word, did you buy her gifts, did you sleep over at her apt when you said you were at a business meeting, etc. He has answered all my questions, but today he said that he doesn’t understand how this is helping me move forward. He has apologized countless times, he has said that he knows it was wrong and hurtful and that he has to earn my trust back and he has said that it is all in the past. I have tried to explain that while the affair ended a while ago and for him its in the past, it is not in the past for me. It is all happening right now. I don’t know how asking about it is helping me move forward and maybe its not, but it is all consuming right now and I can’t think about anything else.

  • LisaP December 16, 2011, 11:20 PM

    Natalie, you are in the thick of it and it still may get worse! I couldn’t eat without throwing up right aftewards. That lasedt 3 months, and I continued to loose weight for 1 yr at a total of 45lbs. I am 5’10” and at my lowest weight 136 was way to skinny. Eveyone told me to eat but I couldn’t. The one thing I got to stay in me was a small V8 juice and 1 yogart daily. Even my doctor told me my body was using my muscle to survive and was a walking zombie! I too asked about the OW and wanted to know all about her and I don’t know why? Maybe to compare us or some how just try to understand what he did and why. It never really helped me I think it made me angrier! It will be all comsuming for a long time! There is no present he can give you that will make you feel better or make you forget. All he can do is let you vent and cry at all times of the day. I think I cried for 4 months straight. My world had ended as I knew it. So what was I suppose to do? There was no answer to that question but to follow my heart and in time you will know what to do too. If you can see your doctor or a therapist or counseling for both of you. It will be hard to sit and listen to him explain to a therapist his reasons for what he did. But you are strong and can get through this, Just give it time, do not rush the process of processig everything you just found out.

  • JB December 17, 2011, 1:51 AM

    Natalie, Lisa P is right you are in the thick of the turmoil right now- it is the worst part of this awful mess that is now your life. Life has been turned upside down-nothing fits anymore and you just have to find the strength to make it through each hour much less an entire day. The days will pass and you will find your way– I promise. You will eat again- I survived off Panera green tea for weeks and weeks- not because it was that amazing, but because it was the only thing that didn’t make me vomit. I still don’t eat like I used to, but that is ok- I am eating. This is part of the greiving process. You have to go through it– each day you will become stronger and find new ways of coping that work for you. It is still so new to you–all this is compeletely normal- as I now know. This blog will give you a lot of insight on that. I too had to ask all the hard questions about the affair. It was extremely painfully at times. What it did for me was give me some perspective on the “big picture” as they say. Knowledge is key to healing. You must go through this to be able to move forward. Your husband does have to understand that it is part of the process and if you have questions he needs to be honest and answer them truthfully. That is the first baby step to regaining your trust. It sounds like your husband is willing to work on your marriage and that he wants to help you– this is great. He needs to realize that it is hard work and he has to be patient– this can take years according to some of the women on the blog– but most of all your husband has to be completely HONEST on all levels–otherwise it won’t work. For me, my husband has been open, caring, transparent, and completely honest with me (that doesn’t mean that I still don’t ask questions daily). I have found that there are times when something will trigger a thought – the thought leads to questions- and if I don’t ask them, they sit and start to make me feel even worse. I have to get it out. Ask, ask, and ask some more. For me and my husband, the process of question and answer sessions has brought a whole new sense of honesty and openess in our marriage – on such a deep level- something we never would have accomplished without living through hell first. We don’t hold back anymore about anything- and it is wonderful. I still have moments of panic and get sad and cry, but I know that too is normal. Know you are not alone on this journey and the women on this blog are walking with you as you find yourself and get the answers you need to make those hard decisions. Don’t rush things- if you can get counseling DO– it helps for someone to bounce back questions that make you stop and reflect on the hard stuff. As far as the Christmas present issue, we had this same problem. I agree they can’t give us the one thing we want and need right now. What we are doing this year is giving each other an experience- nothing big just doing something together– like a date night- but something we never did or always wanted to do but never found the time to do. A picnic, going out to listen to your favorite band, dinner for two at a new restaurant- something that can be ours- something that will help us focus on us. Something we had lost after 25 years and 2 kids. I found a cool new local vineyard that had a wine tasting class for less than $20.00. That is the cheapest gift I have given him in 30 years, but will probably be one of the most memorable. Again, know you are not alone, Jewels and the rest of the women here are a huge support system– you are a strong woman–worthy of all the great things life has to offer– you will be ok, but don’t stop asking questions until you are ready- only you will know when that is. Peace and blessings on your journey.

  • SMILEY December 18, 2011, 10:51 AM

    I’ve read many of the posts and it is so sad to see that I am not the only one. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and during those 7 years I have lost track of how many times I have found sexual messages, whether it be in the computer or phone. I am not a snoopy type, but I just get these instincts and every time I always find something. He says it’s a power trip he gets-and what do I get? All these feelings of insecurity and doubt. Prior to these findings, I was always happy and positive, hence the nickname, I’m a little different now. I have always valued our relationship and told him the first time, “if he thought there was someone out there better for him, then we need to end it. That I didn’t blame him if he wasnt happy, but dont do things behind my back that are hurtful and damaging”. He said, “no”-of course, that he was happy with me.
    A few months ago I found more explicit textes and blew up. I couldnt take it anymore!!How much is a good woman supposed to endure?

    Coincidentally, our lease was up and were planning to move to a better neighborhood. We are not living together anymore. I am living with my father now and cry every night and morning because he is not by my side.

    We see eachother every day still and spend quality time, whether it’s having a picnic at a park or fishing. Some people say this will make our relationship stronger, but I am not sure. If he was texting and contacting these females when we lived together, what will he do now that we are not? Just this morning our daughter woke me up because I was sobbing in my sleep, I have nightmares about this. How do I get through this? It is so hard. Please give me some good advice. I am a smart woman, when it comes to my heart though- I am so weak.

    • Jewels December 19, 2011, 12:09 AM

      LisaP, JB, and Jeannie – thanks for responding and helping others!!

      Lack – You already received wonderful responses, if you are still tuned in let us know what happened. That is a tough situation to be in the presence of the OW at an event, with your husband, I honestly don’t know how I would act.

      Natalie – I know your husband doesn’t understand how you are still in such pain after 2 weeks, but trust me, what you are feeling is very normal. And since your husband is not use to you being this way, and has not dealt with this before, he is not understanding why you are still feeling this way. It’s just not something you snap out of, it takes time, and having an understanding husband doesn’t hurt. You might want to explain to him that you are going through alot, 2 weeks might seems like a long time, but it is very early in the affair recovery process and that the best thing he could do right now is to research affair recovery (maybe go to the bookstore) so he can understand you better. I think that would be the best Christmas present for you :)

      Smiley – I can tell you are in such pain from your story. I think you have to go deeper to understand why you are in such pain, it is much deeper than because he is not there. You are really struggling with some painful emotions I am sure we all can relate to, but you have to really spend some time alone and with your emotions to go deeper. What is your fear now that he is not by your side? Are you afraid of being lonely? Are you afraid that you did not make the right decision? Are you still angry at the lies, but mad that you still lone to be close to him? You could be feeling all 3, everyone here has had those moments, but it starts with recognizing them, confronting them and saying why do I feel this way? By just asking yourself the question, it opens up the door for the answer to come in, it might not come right away, but it opens the door. Be easy on yourself, I feel you are being very hard on yourself and your body. Things will get better.

  • Tweety December 19, 2011, 4:24 PM

    JB, I think You and I have the same marriage, I read your story and it sounds exactly like mine, my story started Dec 9, 2011. I am still in shock, mad, scared and lost. I don’t know what to do right now. I found a therapist and my husband doesn’t live here right now so I can process this. I was married 25 years, up and downs as usual and thought all was ok, not great. He had a problem with attention and texting and we went to counseling….I thought we were working on it. I got a knock on my door Dec 9th, while he was at the company xmas party and her husband told me about all of it. They work at the same company and he didn’t go to the party because of me being there? I didn’t go and didn’t plan on going, ….. But it happened in 2010 and all three knew but no one told me. The husband even approached my husband at the xmas party last year to stop and stay away. It was over 11 months by the time I found out. I don’t know what I’m going to do right now…….I feel so ashamed and feel like I’ve been made a fool of. My son is 22 and I feel for him because they were getting along pretty good before this happened. I have thoughts about trying to make it work? Then I think how will I ever trust again? But reading your story helped me think of the maybe’s not right now but maybe. Thank you for posting your story….I need all the help I can get right now.

  • LisaP December 19, 2011, 7:30 PM

    Tweety, I too have 24 yrs under my belt in this marriage and you know even if it was only 2yr or less it still would hurt the same. It’s the TRUST that our husbands broke which why it hurts so most. We gave ourselves to these men thinking we would be their one and only. Really that what marriage is” to only love one another tell death do us part”! Not to love us and have OW on the side. It really hurts when others know but us. My husbands OW Husband found out and called me to tell me what our spouses were up too. We talked a little off and on and I thanked him for telling me and I told him I was sorry I didn’t know she was married because I could havecalled him and stopped it sooner.
    I guess it’s better to find out sooner than later but it all hurts the same.
    My sons are 21 and 18 and the affair was 4yrs ago with a reconnect only 5months ago. Thank god both my boys have autisum and don’t fully understand what their father did(even thought I have told them) but get how much their father hurt me. If you want to make this work he has to be and open book for you to ask question about it all. He has to want to make this work also because if he doesn’t it won’t work. My husband has take full responsibilty for everything and we are working slowly on the marriage.
    Do NOT FEEL ASHAMED! He is the one that should be ASHAMED for his actions! You did nothing wrong!!!!!!!

  • JB December 20, 2011, 5:37 AM

    Tweedy, you are right our stories are very much alike. You are in shock, and you do have those feelings of being ashamed, hurt, betrayl, and uncertainty. Your life has been turned upside down. Don’t dismiss these feelings- they are all part of the healing- trust me. The fact that you are seeking help with a therapist will help tons- at least it has for me. I know that you are feeling like a fool – but trust me that will pass quickly. The parties involved are the ones that were foolish and self-absorbed– remember that. The way I processed the fact that I was the last to know about the affair- was I wasn’t supposed to know until I did- I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason-at the time when the affair was discovered and my friend the OH decided not to tell me- I had things going on in my life that actually put me in a better place to deal with this affair- I was part of a humanitarian project that changed my life and perspective on the beauty of the human spirit- so I am grateful that the affair didn’t spoil that for me- and it gave me a more mature demeanor I believe when dealing with this. So, maybe you weren’t supposed to know until now. Affairs are about secrets and lies- your husband broke your heart, your trust, and he lied-he has to take full responsibility for his actions -you don’t have to carry that- he has to own that pain–of course you have to survive it- the way he chooses to deal with it will give you a lot of the answers you are seeking== that is the thing you should focus on- not what other people know or knew- or what they think. You being empowered to move forward in a healthy way for yourself – first and for your marriage second- if you decide that is what you want – that is what you need to put first in your healing process. I know you said your husband isn’t living with you right now so you can process this- I never asked my husband to leave, but our children are still at home and I wanted to make things as normal as possible- but I understand your need for privacy and the need for solitude– I did get a few weekends where he took the kids and let me have time to myself and that was paramount in my healing. One thing that I went through was the question phase– I HAD to ask lots and lots of questions– 1. I needed information- I was so in shock and for me to even put a time line in my head I needed info- this also helped me figure out if he was truly being honest with me- and started the trust building (which I will tell you is the hardest part of it all)- we had LONG talks- lots of them- I was able to ask everything and anything- and he had to be available for these converstaions when I needed them- not when he was ready– I am thankful that my husband was so willing to do this for me and for us- many husbands don’t do this. 2. It also let me be angry with him- I was angry and he needed to understand just how badly he had hurt me. I needed answers about the details- somethings I don’t care to know- those are his deamons to live with- not mine- but somethings like where, when, how often, what he felt for her, what their conversations were, etc… I also retain my right to this day, that if I ever need to talk about something I can- without frustration on his part. Again, I am thankful for my husband being willing to do this. He is also in therapy to work through all this- so that helps.
    One thing we did that was helpful for us, that about a month into the recovery, we took a long weekend to a cabin in the mountains. No distractions at all- no phones, TV’s, kids– it was quiet and beautiful, we had no plans- we just talked, talked, and talked some more-took walks in the woods- we truly reconnected that weekend on a much deeper level that I ever expected was possible. I knew after that weekend, that we could and would save this marriage. I wasn’t willing to let go of 30 years together -25 being married over an affair. I also realized that weekend that I too played a part in what had happened- not the affair (I didn’t choose to go outside our marriage- he did and he must take that responsibility), but that something in our marriage was broken or at least needed help- and we needed to fix it so it never happened again- for us (and we are still discovering new things all the time) the breakdown in communication and being open and honest about all aspects of our lives was something we had lost- truthfully we never had an open book with each other – not like now. My healing and our healing has been like a love revolution for us- we are fighting for something we both want- we are making it ours– the way I have described it to my friends is the journey we started together 30 years ago has had ups, downs, twists, turns, and a few pot holes along the way- this was one of those potholes but it caused a flat tire. I could be stuck there forever with that flat tire- or fix the tire and move forward –for me the work to change the tire has been worth it. If you really want to put the hard work into it- it can happen– but be warned it is not easy–it is the hardest thing the two of you will ever do –but if you both want it – it can be the most rewarding thing you ever do and take your marriage to an entirely different level. Give yourself some time don’t make decisions right now- be selfish for once- do what you need– I can tell you that this blog has been good for me- it has played a big role in my healing. It validated that I am not alone and that my feelings are justified and normal- that is HUGE. Jewels and the other women here are strong and supportive– lean on them– it helps to just know that someone hears your cries sometimes. Good luck my friend on your journey. Remember to breathe-long deep breaths–this is a new day and you will better than you were yesterday. Peace and Blessings-

  • Tweety December 20, 2011, 8:24 AM

    JB, Thank you so much for your kind words. I really do need to figure this out which way I’m going to go. I know it will be very hard whichever way I choose. I too have to have a heart to heart talk and find out all the facts but I’m so scared right now but I know when I’m ready It’s something that needs to be done. He needs to find some help or else there is no chance at all for us, I can’t live with him the way it was and don’t want to. I just keep thinking how could he? Where was I in his thoughts when he made that decision…I know it’s all about HIM, and him not feeling loved, needed and little things which I still don’t know what they were because he doesn’t communicate very well. But I’m taking it day by day. I also feel like if I do decide to work on it my family and the people that know I think they will think I’m weak and giving up and have no back bone….that’s hard because they don’t understand that 25 years going on 26 is a long time. I truly appreciate your help and understanding…..Thank you LisaP I’m glad to see that some women want to work on it before throwing the towel in so fast, I know that I can work on it and at any time if I feel like he’s not giving it 100% I can leave, I just need to get myself in a better place for that if that day is to come. Thank you again I appreciate the support I need strong women to talk to right now, I’m glad I found this site.

  • JB December 20, 2011, 2:22 PM

    Tweety, take your time– it will come. Don’t be scared- you have all the power in the relationship right now. You get to make the decisions based on what is right for YOU. If he decides to fight for the marriage, then he will have to do his own work- you can’t make him or force him- if he doesn’t then you can proceed on with what you want without him. As far as you wondering what was he thinking– well, he wasn’t– he was selfish and self-absorbed. My husband told me he wasn’t thinking of me- that they didn’t talk about me other than he told the OW he would never leave me– for whatever that was worth– like I told him –he did leave me the moment the affair started. Again, take some deep breaths. Just be careful about who and how many people you tell, you may get more advice and opinions than you can handle, plus no one on this planet knows your relationship except you and your husband- you two are the only ones that matter in this- and the only ones that get to decide what to do. Don’t get too bogged down or worried about what others think- staying and working on the marriage is so hard– I think probably harder than leaving. So ignore their comments and focus on you. I know it is hard- was for me too. As moms and wives we always put everyone and everything else first– well this time YOU have to be first. Seriously– you get to decide what you want, what makes you happy, and if you are willing to work on the marriage or you want out. These decisions are way down the road– right now just focus on getting you to a place where you feel confident and are able to have that heart to heart. Communicate with him- you have to – don’t be scared- remember all knowledge is power– no matter how bad it hurts. I am thinking about you and wishing you the best-

  • tweety December 20, 2011, 5:38 PM

    Thank you JB you have no idea what your words really mean to me…you make sense to me right now. My hardest this is what do I really want…that is the hardest question to answer, I know leaving is hard and staying is going to be really hard due to the reminders and triggers and “I wonders” when something new comes up. I keep telling myself it was 11 months ago it ended but that doesn’t help me. My husband said the same thing yours said, He wasn’t thinking and I can’t seem to grasp that right now…because I couldn’t do that. Never in a million years would I do that. I’m going to take it day by day like you said and after the holidays hopefully things calm down. One question: How did you get past the thoughts of them together and the thoughts of how he was so different with her? I’m trying not to think about it but I feel like I did something wrong even though I know I DIDN”T he did…..The bad thing is she still works at that company and she lives right around the corner :( Thank you again you have no idea how helpful you’ve been :)

  • JB December 20, 2011, 8:28 PM

    Tweety, I do know- I have been right where you are and had all the same exact feelings and questions. I wish I had found this site when I was where you are now- I know it would have helped me to have this outlet to seek answers and reassurance that I wasn’t crazy. I am not sure you ever completely get over those thoughts of them being together. I think that you process it and are able to put it in a place where you feel safe. The physical part for me wasn’t as hard as the emotional part- if he loved her then I know I would be in a different place right now-have you asked your husband what his feelings for the OW were- if he had any- if he did what were they? That will give you somewhere to start. I also had to know where they were together, when, and how many times (of course he couldn’t give me an exact count- but I just needed to know a number) Like you I know this woman and I know that she has some real self-esteem issues- you know the type always seeking attention- not many female friends- not super attractive- just willing to give herself away for attention–very sad… I am just mad at my husband for falling for it- but he did– For me seeing her has been the worst. The first time, I was in line picking up my oldest from a school event- she was in line in front of me- of course our daughters are best friends and it couldn’t be hidden. It was gut wrenching- I wanted to vomit right there- but sitting there feeling that way- a thought popped in my head- “Why do you feel this way?” “You did nothing wrong.” That voice was right- I had nothing to be ashamed of- she did- she was the one that should be uncomfortable- she was the cheater. I kept telling myself this over and over on the drive home- by the time I pulled into the driveway- I was much better- and to this day that thought comes in to my head anytime I think I might even run into her. I am the better person- I am the one that has taken the high road in this whole mess- I am the one that the girls (our daughters-both mine and hers) come to in confidence to talk- I am the one without the stigma of being a woman that goes after married men– I haven’t lied–I am the better person, and have vowed not to stoop to her level — EVER. There are even times that I have even felt sorry for her- if you can believe that. As far as thinking about them together, like I said, you never get those thoughts out of your head, but through the healing process and talking with my husband many of my questions were answered and I realized from our converstaions that for the most part it was about the sex for him- he didn’t love her, he was weak and made a grave mistake- one he will live with the rest of his life- he admits that he was weak and caught up in the thrill of the affair. With that said- I am like you, I would NEVER do that in a million years, and it is hard to imagine that we would commit our lives to someone that would- but we did. The thing you have to figure out is if you love your husband enough to find forgivness in your heart-not now but if there is even a possibility, and if your husband is willing (on your terms) to be an open book and give you the answers you need to heal– that has been key for me. My husband like yours had a hard time at first understanding why I was still caught up on the details of them being together, but I explained to him that for him the affair had been over for a while, but for me it just happened- I had just been brought into the loop- and I wasn’t ready to let go- if he wanted us to make a go of it- he would have to be patient while I worked through it all– I also understand your feelings of “what did I do wrong?” I think that is part of the insecurity for us, since we were so blindsided by the whole thing. I also think it is just human nature- why would he stray if it wasn’t for something better? But to tell you the truth I don’t think that is it at all- the OW weren’t better, they were just different. It was the something different that they liked. I have never had an affair so I don’t know what it feels like, but reading about it from others on this site and a book I read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass- it is a power of excitement and thrill that is intoxicating. My husband was weak and got caught up in that excitement. There are still underlying things that caused him to even cross that line in the first place, and we have identified a few of them (communication, putting us first, spending quality time together, etc…- all things a 25 year marriage might have issues with). I am sure through his therapy there will be more Ah Ha moments, but now at least I know he will tell me and we can work through them- instead of keeping them inside and letting them build up–we were both guilty of that before the affair. What you have to do is get through these next few weeks, hold your head up high- you are a strong mature woman that can take the high road. You have all the power to do what is right for you- I know I keep saying that -but that is key- this healing is about YOU. We have to reprogram ourselves to believe we are worthy of such selfishness- but believe me WE ARE. Breathe and find a way to find peace (it will be tough especially this week with the holidays and all that will bring) but carve out time each day for you. Maybe just a hot bath or a trip to the park to walk around for a few minutes. I found a few moments for myself by putting on my ipod and walking the dog without a cell phone– it was great. No one could contact me :) Once you find that peace and calm you will be able to go forward-in a way you will be proud of yourself. Also, start keeping a journal. Nothing formal- just write down your questions, thoughts, letters to the OW-(I think I have about 50 to her now- of course I will never send them but it is nice to vent your frustrations), etc… It helped me get it out and it also reminded me of the questions I had for my husband when they popped in my head- for me that time was so confusing that I had a hard time keeping and remembering what I wanted to ask- so having it in the journal helped me when we did sit down to talk. You will make it – I promise- it maybe a different path than you think right now, but that is ok too. Stay strong – I believe in you- Hope this helps- Peace my friend-

  • tweety December 21, 2011, 7:06 AM

    JB, I want to print all that you have written and re-read it everyday :) your words get me through each day I hope you know. I just told my husband he needs help and if he doesn’t seek it I can’t even begin to talk to work on anything. He has issues that only he can fix, they don’t have anything to do with me at this point. When the guy came to my door and told me he told he was sending me emails from them and his to my husband of course they are from Jan 2011, and in that letter he wrote to her and her to him there were words that I can’t shake. He did say he loved her and she was his best friend and other stuff, and he said to me that they were only words at that time he didn’t mean it, he was caught up in all of it, and if he could change it he would. I haven’t really processed that in my brain that he could say those words to her and look at me at the same time and not show nothing. I look at pictures from back then and I see nothing, no sign, no emotions, maybe he checked out mentally? I don’t know the answer and he certainly can verbalize it to me right now. I do have 3 dogs that have helped me and I do walk them ALOT and sometimes twice a day and they are loving it. I haven’t run it to her yet and not sure what I will do if anything. I just know that I do have anger for her and I try not to let her in my thoughts and especially take over my day and ruin it. I truly look forward to your Words of Wisdom at this time you are a very strong woman and I appreciate you taking the time to help me right now. I know with the holidays being busy and all. I do really appreciate it :) And I’m doing what you said “Trying to STAY STRONG” :)

  • JB December 21, 2011, 9:48 AM

    Tweety, I am glad you and your husband talked. The first few weeks are the hardest- they do get better or at least they did for me. I hope your husband will seek help, but know he has to do this for himself first, just as you have to heal in your own way. I will pray for you and your marriage, that it happens nautrally, honestly, and open. I wish for you that your healing is real and that if your marriage truly is to make it – it will. I will also pray for your strength- that you find out marvelous new things about yourself during this journey- it is kind of liberating if I do say so myself. Enjoy the holidays as best as you can. You will get through them with grace and charm- we are both Southerners also :), be your new self- the stronger one. Going to spend some time walking my dog this week- forgot just how much I enjoy that time. Thanks for reminding me. Have a beautiful holiday with your family. In Peace–

  • JB December 21, 2011, 9:55 AM

    Jewels, I just wanted to let you know how thankful that I am that I found your site and the healing that has taken place for me because of it. Thank you for letting me tell my story. You and all the other women on this site have become part of my journey, and I am grateful to each and everyone of you. I just want to say thank- you and I wish for everyone a happy holidays- and a peaceful 2012.

  • jeannie December 21, 2011, 11:34 AM

    Five weeks now. My husband is trying too hard and it comes across as forced. With Christmas close and my daughter home for the holidays he’s all holly jolly and I want to vomit. I told him I didn’t buy many gifts for him this year and he said the only gift he wanted was for me to stay. He has always been to the type to be charming to manipulate events to get what he wants. He has an aggressive manner, sort of “in your face” and that has always been one of our problems. He is teasing me about what he bought me for gifts and I really don’t care. Wish I could cancel Christmas.

  • tweety December 21, 2011, 3:26 PM

    Thank you JB for all you have said and taking the time for me. I will think of you often during the holiday and wish you and your family a Merry Christmas. I will keep posting because It is truly helping me. He did tell me today he did call around to get him some help but didn’t know if I wanted to go with him. I told him no he had to do this one for himself and not with me yet. So maybe he might get it we’ll see? Hugs

    • Jewels December 21, 2011, 10:35 PM

      Hello Ladies,

      I really enjoyed reading all the updates, thanks JB for your wisdom and support!

      Tweety – JB was spot on with her comments. I know you are in a position right now where you are dealing with so many emotions – it is normal in this stage. I think I mentioned in my free ebook, you feel like you are going crazy. There is probably no other time in your life where your mind is dealing with so many extreme emotions at once. So many women contact me wanted to get past all the pain and get those thoughts out of their head. And if you just found out, there is no magic pill that is going to wipe it, it’s raw emotions, it’s much more than your brain it use to handling, so you are in overdrive, and there is not much that will silence it, because you just found out. So don’t fight it, just relax and listen to it.

      Now, fast forward a month or two, there will come a point (which is different for every woman), where you are going to make a decision to stay or leave the marriage (do not pressure yourself to make that decision now, it’s WAY too soon). But once you make that decision, you move forward in your journey, it’s a critical step. Some women stay indecisive for years, and that is not healthy. So once you get out of the devastation stage, you will be faced with the decision stage, and once you make that decision either way, all those scattered emotions start to get in balance more. I just wanted to walk you through some of that process so you know that it’s a process, and that things will get better.

      Lastly, as far as once that time comes to make a decision to stay or leave, let the universe show you the decision (through how you feel and his actions) versus putting pressure on yourself to make a decision, it will make a world of difference in your stress level during that phase of your recovery.

      Jeannie -He Jeannie, are you upset that he is holly jolly or are upset that he in your face too much and you don’t have time to breathe and think (or both)? I would get very upset after I found out when I would see him happy. I just felt like I was a miserable wreck, and the fact that he wasn’t actually hurt me. It’s just how I felt. I now know I can’t force emotions on anyone but at the time I didn’t understand it and stressed myself over it. Don’t stress trying to fake it for him, if you are not feeling it, you are not feeling it, and that is perfectly ok. Your body is probably mentally and physically worn out from this, so if you are not in the mood to go Christmas caroling, I feel that is ok. Maybe you focus more on time spend with your daughter and tell your husband you need more time alone to cope if he is coming across as forced.

  • Tweety December 22, 2011, 11:13 AM

    Hi Jewels, Thank you for your comments, I will stop forcing myself to think that way because that is exactly what I’m doing. I don’t have a clue what I want to do at this point and so confused on which way to think. So I’m going to slow down and just let my mind be for a bit. I found this site while waiting for my car tint to be done and I’m so glad that I did :) You are strong, smart women and I hope I can be like you after all this. Happy Holidays :)

  • JB December 22, 2011, 11:24 AM

    Tweety, so glad that he made those calls to seek help. Let’s hope he follows up with it- one little baby step at a time- there are no quick fixes here like Jewels said. Breathe– he at least made that effort- don’t give him too much credit yet- he has LOTS to prove to you. I had to really watch myself at this time- I wanted to just go back to normal- but I kept reminding myself it was “normal” that got us into this mess in the first place. So tread carefully and with caution – you are super emotional- just step back and let it happen. Like Jewels said the universe will reveal your path to you when you are ready. I know sounds “hokey” and all, but middle-aged wisdom assures you it is for real :) You were right in telling him that you should both seek help individually at this time. That has been critical for us. My husband sees his own therapist. Once you and your husband are better with yourselves, it will spill over into you as a couple if it is supposed to be. We haven’t found marriage counseling as powerful a tool for us as personal therapy, but I know it has worked miracles for others on this site-only YOU will know what is right for your marriage. Walked the dog this morning- it was dreary and misty– it was great! Also downloaded a few new holiday tunes, just trying to put myself in the right frame of mind to see family and friends– Life is good. See today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today– sleep, eat something, and focus on you. If it dosen’t get done, it is not the end of the world- it is what it is– (that is my motto for Holiday 2011 :). Don’t forget your “ME” time each day! Peace, Blessings, and only Good Thoughts coming your way.

  • annie December 22, 2011, 1:00 PM

    God im dreading xmas. I dont want to pretend anymore. Im so jealous of other relationships. I want to be happy and doing all the romantic things people do at xmas but not with him. I hate him.
    i found out on 1st march and im still feeling like this. Do you think i should have gotten over it by now and the fact that i havent means i should just divorce him?
    I dont know how to manage on my own. Ive gone back to college and work part time so i would have to pay childcare and mortgage and bills on my own. i would never manage.
    He really wants to sort it out and i want to want to (i know that doesnt make sense) but i have no enthusiasm for it anymore.
    Im tired. I want to be with someone who i can cuddle, someone to love. I miss that. I loved being in love. I dont want cuddles from him, i could quite easily kill him sometimes, would be a whole lot easier!

  • jeannie December 23, 2011, 12:59 PM

    annie
    I’m dreading Christmas too. I think I’m so worn out with all the emotions it just seems like a chore. I got very upset last night and all it did was make me feel worse. I can identify with your wish to feel “in Love” I love him as the father of my daughter and as my husband of 26 years and I used to have that in love feeling. I had it all throughout my marriage until now. I don’t think anger is good for me (like last night) I think when we are so tired we can’t make decisions. Just going to school, working and having children to care for is exhausting. Can you scale back on anything for more Mommy time? So many of us overdo and forget to take care of ourselves. Me included. Also I read recently that holidays, birthdays etc. tend to bring back a lot of emotion in the first year or two after the affair.

    A wise friend told me once that the opposite of love is not hate as most people think, but rather it is indifference.

  • tweety December 23, 2011, 5:18 PM

    I’m not having a great two days, last night I emailed Dr Phil, don’t know what I was thinking, I hope they don’t think I’m a lunatic…..and now today I want so badly to send the OW a note and tell her just how disgusting and some other awful stuff I think about her but I didn’t but I sooooo want to. She has no idea what she has done and if she does she probably doesn’t care one bit. I just want to tell her how she has ruined two families. I keep telling myself what you said JB to just not give her the satifaction or even give her a thought but it is soooo hard! I walk my dogs by her house and I want to slice her tires and throw eggs at her house and throw my doggie bags in her backyard….I know it’s a temporary fix but it just sounds so good right now. I guess because it’s so close to christmas and everyone is out shopping looking like they are having fun and I can’t even crack a smile It just makes it soooo much worse this year. My son’s girlfriend had her tonsils taken out yesterday so I’m helping her which is taking my mind of this a tiny bit but it still sucks! :) Tks for letting me vent :)

  • jeannie December 23, 2011, 6:24 PM

    tweety
    I think Christmas is a big trigger for most of us. You made me laugh about throwing the doggie pooh bags. I have a big dog and I would gladly help you. Better than snowballs! I don’t know who the OW are. Three married women over the years but a little dog visit is fun to think about. I’ll do it in my imagination and I guess that’s what you’ll have to do too. Visualization. The last thing we need is a trespassing or property damage charge. Just a suggestion, but would it help if you walk the dogs in a different direction?

  • tweety December 23, 2011, 6:51 PM

    Hi Jeannie, The doogie pooh bag was funny :) I probably need to walk another way but my dogs love the park and you can see her driveway from my park and I’ve lived here 22 years and them not even 3 or 4 years…I feel like it’s my neighborhood, I was here first! I’ve walked my dogs this whole last 11 months that I didn’t know about the affair and nothing. I will walk another way because if I don’t I might rip all her hair out of her head……. thank you for the smile about the bags :)

    • Jewels December 24, 2011, 10:35 PM

      Happy Holiday’s everyone!!

      I know it’s hard to think about positive, but just the fact that we have means to write each other is a blessing, not everyone is in that position. I know we are struggling with love ones, but how fortunate are we to have loved. Remember whatever you are going through, always someone that is worse off than you.

      Annie - If your husband cheated March 1st and you are still dealing with it, that is very normal. At the same time I think you have some anger that you have not addressed that is causing you not to progress in your journey. I also think it’s time to do some heavy duty work and decide if you want to stay married or not. Living with someone that is causing you anger and pain everyday, that is no way to live. At the same time, I know the potential to be alone is scary as well. I know what you mean by you want to want to but your mind just won’t let you. Are you in a position to get personal therapy for yourself? That might help.

      Tweety – my first thoughts after reading your update was exactly what jeannie said, it might help to take dog on a different path. I know you like walking the dogs, but to see her house along the way is not going to do anything but remind you of the affair. Doing this everyday is not going to help your or the marriage. I know you feel like she would ‘win’ if you took a different path, but in my opinion, one change of lifestyle might be a result of the OW, but you have to keep your eyes on the bigger picture, which is how can you feel better overall. And I can not see any possible way that you can feel better walking the dogs by her house everyday. You never know, in taking a different path, you might find or run into a part of the path or park that you never explored before, which is exciting! Take Care..

  • jeannie December 24, 2011, 11:00 PM

    Jewels and every woman who uses this site. Whether you celebrate Christmas or not it doesn’t matter. I’m sending prayers of Healing, Strength, Peace and Love. May you all be Blessed.

  • Tweety December 25, 2011, 3:21 PM

    Jewels, The last time I walked the dogs I didn’t go by, I’m trying. It’s very hard! I hope this is normal but I am SO mad at him, I ask him questions and I feel like they are truthful, I guess in my mind they don’t seem like the answers I want to hear and it just makes me more mad. I have days when I don’t think I can go on and try to work it out and then I think I can. I’m just afraid that If it happens again I won’t be able to survive that. I’ve been taking time for myself, I took Christmas morning and went to the beach and walked and walked, by myself I didn’t want to see him come by to see my son. I helped a bit, nice to just hear the ocean and my own thoughts and no phones at all. I hope that all this is normal ?

  • Tweety December 25, 2011, 3:56 PM

    Jewels, i meant not truthful *

  • Ella December 26, 2011, 7:25 PM

    Annie and Tweety — We are all having normal feelings. My D-Day was March 15th and I still struggle at times. My H has been doing the work to rectify our marriage after several “emotional” affairs — one of which he used the L word and kissed her — but I caught it early enough. Christmas came and went — but really no emotion — kind of blank. Usually I cry at Christmas carols or the beauty of it all — but this year –nothing. And I didn’t really put alot of thought into his gifts or didn’t feel much receiving them from him. He gave me a card that said he can’t wait for our life together going forward… again — nothing. And so we will face our D-Day in the next few months. I am staying put for now, but some days I wish I had separated at least for a little while when I found out. Did I give in too soon to stay? But then again he is making his own progress with himself and has made many changes with me. I am working on me. Got out of a really stressful job (so he could fulfill his provider role – that he claims makes him feel needed now – he didn’t feel that way before). But I sometimes think about a new life that I could create for myself and that sometimes excites me. …..I stay to work on my marriage and I trust myself to now know that if anything even remotely sniffs of an affair – I’m gone. And he’s aware of it. He does not go to work functions, no happy hour, always comes home early when he can, calls, I have complete access to everything….but still in the back of my mind are the haunting emails and texts I found. Interesting that more people I talk to say they aren’t happy in their marriages…but stay for the kids. Men and women say it all the time. But the men I used to work with really complained. Didn’t know if their wives were the people they wanted to share the rest of their lives with. I think my husband is like a Cab driver. When the cab is available, the light is on — so people know it and are receptive – Seriously. I think he was projecting that he was interested. So women went for it. Married women who also had their lights on. You have to give signals – so when they say they weren’t looking for it — maybe not outwardly, but subconsciously they had their light on so someone could find them. I am dreading the next three months….God give me the strength to endure it. I feel if I can get past this, I will make it. But if it happens again, at least I gave it my best and it was not meant to be. I just hope I’m not being “duped”. I will never trust 100% again, and maybe I was naiive to even think that way in the first place. I hope everyone is ok after the holidays. We did survive that one. Thanks Jewels for this safe place. No one else can possibly understand.

  • JB December 27, 2011, 8:36 AM

    Ladies- glad to see everyone made it through the holidays. I have had to deal with the OW getting out of rehab early this week. A little strange, but so far no attempts to contact my family. I was a little afraid she might. It was a trigger for sure, when her husband called to tell me. It has been much better for me, since I knew at least for the last few weeks she was away, and I didn’t have to fear running into her. Tweety I too still have those moments when I want to pull her hair out, write her a letter, – I agree the dog poop one is good- even better for me she hates dogs :) But those are the moments I stop and re- focus on myself– I first write down my feelings in my journal, and then go do something for me. It is that possibility of finding something new to experience that drives me now. I also started looking at this as an opportunity to grow as a woman. Not for him– for ME. That is just in case it doesn’t work out for us– I will be strong and able to carry on without him. It sounds like to me you still have lots of anger to get out. Exercise is good for releasing the energy- I know you and the dog are getting plenty, but what can you do that is different to relieve some of this hurt and anger? Again, I did something for me- I started going to yoga classes. It isn’t for everyone, but works for me. Is there something you have always wanted to try, but never had the chance? Well here is the chance-show yourself just how strong you are- heal for you –paint, join the gym, one girl friend of mine took a glassblowing class after her husband had an affair– not sure that would help me, but the pieces she made in anger- she later smashed. She said it was great. These feelings never leave, they just get more manageable– at least they have for me. Tweety, Im jealous you have a beach- what a great place to heal. Im glad you are taking a different path with the dog walks–give it time. You are also giving her way too much power- she has NONE– remember that. You are calling the shots in your life- you can be angry, but don’t dwell on her- she is not worth it- believe me. I know the feelings of “if it wasn’t for her in the first place, you wouldn’t have to do this at all”– had those too- but again, everything happens for a reason- and give some of that anger to him-he deserves it. I think of this affair for me as a wake up call for my life- not just my marriage. Luckily so far my marriage is still going forward and is in a really good place- but it is LOTS of work- and like some of the other women here I am tired at times- it is an arduous process for sure. For me the changes that have had to take place for me to heal, have been hard to swallow sometimes, and I was resentful at times for having to do it- but in the process- I have become grateful– I am grateful for all the women here who have and are helping me, I am grateful for the new friends I have met in yoga, I am grateful for the 15 pounds I have lost, I am grateful for the new openess that I have found in myself to take a few chances and do things for myself, and I am proud of myself for the first time in a long, long time- and it feels good. As far as the marriage, I will continue to work and pray it works out, but there are no guarantees on that – he may cheat again, and if he does it is over, but I can’t live with “what ifs”, I have to live with “what is”. I no longer sit and am passive in my own life- I now own it and feel active in it. Right now my recovery is about me– Think about me this week as I once again am the bigger person in this affair and have to see her again- but I am the one with nothing to be ashamed of- in fact I have lots to be proud of! Stay strong ladies and breathe- peace and blessings.

  • tweety December 27, 2011, 7:59 PM

    Hi Ladies, Ella I told my husband not to return the night I found out, He was very scared and for good reasons. He doesn’t feel welcome coming over right now and I’m glad because he has to do the hard work to earn his way to come home to the place he loves to be. He chose to do this and he shouldn’t come home and feel like part of his life changed but not all. He isn’t really liking where he lives and maybe he is thinking a lot and, hopefully it jars his brain into realizing what he might lose totally forever if he doesn’t come to his senses. JB after my walk on the beach on Christmas he came over and all broke loose, I had to let it out and it was really bad. I am trying to calm down before I really have the talk that I want to have with him…..and I don’t want to be filled with this rage I’m afraid of what I might do to him cuz I have a temper and I know my limits. He calls and texts me but I stay cold and distant for now and try not to be nasty and mean but it’s very hard. Yes, the OW is in my thoughts and I know that she is not worth it….They still work at the same company and that bothers me to no end and neither can get fired for this….but more and more people are finding out and hopefully she is made to feel very uncomfortable…! I can understand how you must feel JB when she was getting released from rehab…..hopefully she is the one who looks down or away when she sees you knowing she is the coward and you are strong and surviving despite her :) I’m going to send some strength and prayers your way to be strong if you do run into her :) It’s funny you mentioned taking care of myself, I love to run and did work out at the gym religiously and when I got the knock on my door I lost interest…I know it will return but right now I’m just trying to concentrate on me. I love to do 1/2 marathons and we did them together so they are on the back burner since I will be doing them alone with 20,000 other people, and not with him. Tonight was funny I had a gingerbread house I got for Christmas and tonight I took a hammer to it and thought of him, I had to break it up anyway to eat it but It was fun thinking of him as I smashed away :) Each day it gets a tiny bit better but getting those flashbacks and triggers are awful !!!! I haven’t decided just yet what I’m going to do, I have to see actions instead of words this time and it can’t be the same as before….I don’t know if he’s willing and able just yet….But after reading his emails to her, I NOW want someone to tell me that stuff and if he can’t be that person then I will have to find someone who can tell me all the great things he told her in them to me and mean it. I deserve it and I’ve been ignored and taken for granted for to long. I do think that If I decide to take him back I can’t even think about if he does it again, I don’t want him back if he isn’t going to be there for me 100% and trying 100% all of the time. In a couple of months, I will be looking for a job since I’m not currently working so if we don’t work out I have a job and money. I am retired from the Navy so I have a pension, medical and dental of my own….but I need to this for me. Get out and meet people and just have my own friends. Ella, I also agree on the Cab light on, that makes sense because they seem to spot the lights if they are unhappy and looking. My husband also said he was unhappy, and not getting enough attention and little things? All news to me because he didn’t communicate very well so I had to read his mind which I guess I was all wrong! Even though we talked and I always asked him if he wanted to talk and if all was ok….He always said yes….well it wasn’t, he lied and lied or he was too afraid to tell me. That is something he needs to fix and work on. Thank you ladies for everything and I love listening to you all, you make me stronger and feel like there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. Hugs

  • JB December 28, 2011, 2:10 AM

    Tweety, you make me laugh- I can see you smashing that gingerbread house :) glad it gave you some satisfaction- if only a little. Our first conversations were the same as yours- full of strong emotions and anger. I too have a temper and all I wanted to do was hit him.- but I didn’t. The first several conversations were me screaming at him as loud as I could and him sitting there taking it- not some of best moments for sure, but it helped me get my point across and let him know just how hurt and angry I was (or so I thought). I felt like I was trapped -alone, scared,confused, broken, and not being heard like I thought I should be. I was fighting mainly out of fear and hurt, but not really getting anything accomplished. I was going crazy– I then started writing in my journal- it helped to get all the anger down on paper and out of my head. My therapist also showed me that this was a cycle that would continue unless I started getting the anger out. She also encouraged me to make the conversations more calm and productive. I would/ and still do write down my questions and then I have a plan to follow- it has helped a lot. I also take breaks when I need them- if the conversation is frustrating me I just take a time out and then come back in a few minutes with a more clear mind. I was letting the anger control me, I had to get rid of it and refocus on more positive energy. Not to say I am still not mad at times, but now I have ways to help control it. Our conversations now are so much better- no screaming at all- and we get things accomplished. I too had copies of the journal the OW wrote and some of the texts that they exchanged during the affair- all given to me by my friend and her husband. She was explicit in the description of the affair with words like enchanting, invigorating, and the most passionate sex she had ever experienced. My husband said the same thing your husband is saying that he really didn’t mean what he wrote to her, that it was just in the moment of the affair. I didn’t care- I was so hurt by their words to each other- I wanted to be the one that was on the receiving end of the loving comments as well, but in reality I wasn’t- and I had to face that. After reading them, over, over and over, it did nothing but make it hurt more and I was really not getting anywhere by doing that- my therapist told me I had to get rid of them so I could move forward. I burned them in the outdoor fire pit one night- it was liberating. I still feel hurt by the words, but I no longer obsess over them. I think I held on to them for all those weeks, because it was my proof that this had all really happened -like you the affair had ended months ago and it was all I had at the time that proved to me that this was my reality. I now realize that those parts of the affair are not so much a burden for me to bear, but for him to deal and live with- he knows how much he hurt me- he tries daily to prove his love for me now- and it is getting so much better for me. So you are a runner- run, run, and run some more- you are a strong worthy woman- if you can run a marathon you can do anything :) Find some way to release this anger- it will eat you alive if you allow it to- get rid of it- and bring some positive energy in to replace it. Each day you put yourself in a better place, each day you survive things you never thought you could, and each day you heal a little bit more. I have read and heard from others here, that we will never fully get over these triggers, but we can use the coping tools that we have to make it bearable- you are just looking for those tools right now- they too will come to you. I pray each night that you find more peace each day as you find your way on your journey– you are a beautiful worthy woman- don’t stoop to her level no matter what– you are so much better than that my friend. Peace and blessings

  • tweety December 28, 2011, 10:09 PM

    Hi ladies……Yes JB it was rather funny smashing that thing….and it did feel good. I am working up to the talk with him…I don’t want to be filled with so much rage, nothing will be solved with me getting so angry. I am still so angry I know I need to know how to work thru the anger and not let it fester. I think he knows how I feel but Needs to know the real depth and then it’s all out. I also want him to confess and tell the truth for once and put it all out there. So we will see. I did start writing in a journal and never did that before and I wish my hands would move as fast as my thoughts. But its’ coming out slowly. I agree with you with the emails and things they wrote…I think i’m not ready yet I haven’t gotten the answers from him on the words and how he could write them and not mean them. After he and I talk then maybe I will do like you did….. :) something to work towards. Yes, I’m a runner I’ve always ran….I ran to clear my thoughts and something to do….and then he started running with me ….and we did alot of 1/2 marathons together….but now I feel he is not going to be doing them. I will still run….right now I’m not in the right frame of mind or have the energy to run…But I know I will be back soon. I have a few questions…..How do you figure out how to get through the thoughts of them together and what they did and how deceiving they were. I can’t seem to shake that image…it haunts me I know time will but It’s so painful right now. Also in the beginning how did you look at him and not get filled with rage I can’t see to look at him right now…due to the images. I’m trying really hard to control myself and not show him, but it’s eating me up inside. Last one….when you have the pain inside how to you figure out how to turn that pain in to something that u can grow and learn from and not have it hurts so much. I know I ask alot of questions but I’d rather ask you on here I feel you all understand so well. And I still feel like showing her the pain she and he has caused and I know not to stoop to either of their levels….I keep repeating your words.. :) THANK YOU so much for letting me vent. I hope tomorrow is a little bit brighter :) HUGS

  • veronica December 29, 2011, 2:42 PM

    me and my husband have been married for almost 7 years now he had cheered before and I did it to him as revenge that was at our first year of marriage.after that ended it was just us for these last 6 years we have two kids now. He had started school and meet a girl there Breonna, all this time I had no clue he was taking to her behind my back untill I was out of town and checked the bank statements there is were I saw that he had went out to dinner and payed for two so I confronted him and kicked him out.so he left and stayed with her until one month after he came back being to come back so we got back together and moved in to an apparent and then one month after I find out that this home wreaker goes and tells their teacher to tell Sal..my husband that she loves him and too call her..shoo the Treacher gives him the message..he calls and I find out..I leave take my kids with me and again one this time three Weeks later he starts begging shoo there I go takes him back move back in and things were not going so good he had these attitude that just wasn’t working with me I mean after taking all his BS I should be treated better…so I leave…we were gonna stay togethere but septate to work on both of us..and so one time I go to the apartment and find synch of used

  • Bebe December 29, 2011, 6:34 PM

    Tweety,

    I have major anger issues before I found out about the affair. And until the affair was out in the open I didn’t know how much control that I really did have with my anger. I also have a journal that I write in to express how I feel and questions that I have in my head as to why this is happening to me. It really does help to write down your feelings.

    As far as him confessing, I feel like a lot of men will not confess. And if they do, they sugar coat it. Like my husband, when he did start to spit out the “truth”. He was lying to me, he swear up and down that him and the OW is just friend and he was just talking to her. It’s funny how they get caught up and still proceed to lie their way out of the situation (problems). But yeah he was lying to me, I found out the hard way that he wasn’t just talking to her. He was sexually involved. And my doctor confirm that. It still makes me so mad that he put my health at risk for his own pleasure. Not even caring that he could have giving me something else that I can’t cure.

    You also mention that you are a retired Navy personal. It’s funny cause my husband is in the Navy and he cheated on me with someone he work with. And ever since I found out about the affair (august) I’ve told a lot of military wives and they been through it too!! I just wanted to as you a few question since you are a retired woman from the service and by the way thank your for serving the country!! Is this common in the Navy? With cheating and all because I hear so many stories from my husband (the cheater also) about men and women cheating on their spouse. And is it common that a lot of the single Navy female sleeps with the married man. Cause that’s what happen to me? The part that pisses me off is that when you are in they Navy and you work in the same shop you tend to know each other business (married, kids etc). So she knew he was married and yet she still proceed to go on with my husband and his lying ways.

    I’m sorry I am coming at you with these questions. I just wonder you know? Ughh… Life shouldn’t be sad, yet I feel sad on and off all the time. I really do wish you the best!! And I hope that things will be better in time for you!!!

  • JB December 29, 2011, 6:42 PM

    Tweety, I am so glad that you are thinking more clear now. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but you are starting to stop and think- and not just react- that is moving:) Yea– I know it stills feels awful, but the fact that you can hope for tomorrow to be brighter is a HUGE step in the right direction. The cobwebs are clearing-you are stronger for sure. That is a good sign. I am glad you are planning your conversation with him- I do pray he will be an open book for you- it hurts like hell, but it is the only way to heal. I will tell you about our discovery conversations- that is all I know, but I am sure others here can shed light on this as well for you. I had a super hard time getting the pictures of them out of my head also, but I think the reason I have been able to put them in a safe place- they never totally leave-just fade, and not dwell on them is because he was honest with me and while it HURT to hear him answer these super personal detailed questions- it was the only way I could get through it. First I wrote the questions down in my journal- 1. so that I would remember to ask everything I wanted and 2. so I would have the courage to ask some of them. That is hard for me to just come out and ask him questions about having sex with another woman- but I had to do it. I asked him all the basics like When did it start? Who made the first move? How did it start? Did you ever think about me, and if so what were you thinking? Did you love her? What attracted you to her? What were your conversations like together? Did you buy her things or give her money? That was important for me- she has a drug problem and I needed to be able to share that with my friend her husband. I asked, Did you think of the fallout and consequences with us, the kids, or your friendship with her husband? I asked a lot of sex questions too, I wanted to know- some people don’t-but I had to know details. I also asked Where did it happen?== becareful on this one- may not want to ask this one right off the bat– this one HURT– They had sex in our house- several times- as well as her house, and a hotel. They had sex in our playroom on the sofa- needless to say that sofa is GONE- out of the house that day, Salvation Army got a really expensive sofa with really bad karma :) The worst was when he told me that they had sex in our bed! Yes, my bed. I was crushed- so violated-furious. It still brings up frustration with me- what in the )(*& was he thinking? Obviously he wasn’t! That has taken a while to get out of my head, but I made him buy me all new bedding (I bought the most expensive sheets I could find :)– they are nice :) but I couldn’t get rid of the bed- I love my bed and we just bought one of those sleep number beds last year- so it was too expensive to give away. Plus it is MINE!!! That was hard for me. As far as looking at him- give it time. The anger will fade when and if he is honest with you- and gives you the whole ugly truth. It didn’t happen for me during the conversation-I had to process it- For me when I saw it in his face, and you will know, you have been married to this man your whole life- if they are telling the whole truth you will know-even if they are good liars- your intuition will tell you- and it is right most of the time- I just knew- and I found the first positive in the whole mess- he told the truth! That was huge. We know when it is real- my husband was visibly broken from all of this- and he began to prove to me that he was serious about fighting for the marriage. He immediately started seeing the therapist, within the first week of me finding out. So by the first few conversations he was already able to realize just how much damage was done. After that he had to begin to show me the tenderness and compassion that I needed to let him back into my arms and eventually into our bed. But this took time. I knew when it was right- and you will to0- if ever- just follow your gut on that one. I was so scared that I was giving in to him, but I just let it happen slowly and naturally. When I felt like I needed a hug I let him touch me- if I didn’t feel it I didn’t. Now we are better and I have found trust again As far as turning the pain into something positive. Well, that just happens too. You will wake up one day and not feel so angry, you will feel lighter-not completly out of the dark, but you feel like you have shed all the tears you can, felt sad and sorry for yourself all you can, and you just say to yourself- I’m ready to not focus on this today and you don’t- the energy changes and you turn a corner for yourself. I know it sounds simple enough, but it isn’t- it is hard to pull yourself up- and the hardest thing is we have to do it alone. I think that is one of the things I am most proud of myself in all of this -I didn’t let the affair direct my life- I took charge and made it work for me. By that I mean, I started seeing that the affair happened for a reason, while I wasn’t taking any responsibility for it or was in any way glad that it happened I knew that after all these years for him to do something like this there was a reason- even if neither of us knew what it was right now- I knew we had a lot of work to do and part of the problem was me. I started really focusing on me and talking to my therapist- she began to show me ways to be more open with him- I never was one to completely tell him what I felt- after 30 years together we just fell into patterns– I had grown into a woman, but really never expressed my needs and desires to him -just as he had never done with me- sad now that I think about it, but that is the truth. She made me see that in reality the affair probably saved our marriage- of course I didn’t know it needed to be saved, but eventually something would have happened. Now we are working on making our marriage even better than before, because it is open and honest- and that feels GREAT. During that time- and still now, when I think of the affair I think ok, this is what I have to deal with- our reality is we are a statistic- he had an affair- he betrayed me- he is getting help- we are working on this together- either learn from what is wrong and be better for it together- or I go forward without him and build a life for me. Both of these options are positive and both require more soul searching and personal awareness than I ever thought, but once you make the choice as to what you should do – you will see the positives. Don’t ever apologize for asking the questions- you have to remember strength comes with knowledge-that is the beauty of this site- everyone here really understands and has felt the same feelings- each of us get there — all different ways and time frames- but we get there- it is just nice to have someone on the sidelines cheering you on and hold you up when you need it- God knows the women here have done that for me- you are healing my friend and it is painful- no way around that- you will make it- stay strong, focused, and calm- I hope your tomorrow is brighter also– Happy New Year- 2012 will be a much better year for all of us. Peace, blessings and lots of HUGS

  • Theresa December 29, 2011, 6:47 PM

    This is to BeBe….

    I was in the Navy reserve and my husband retired active USAF. Unfortunately, cheating is common everywhere even in the military among military personnel. I hated the phrase “what goes on TDY stays on TDY”.
    HOWEVER, the military member if turned in can be charged with adultery and get kicked out or busted down a rank. But so many wives are afraid to turn their husbands in because it is their only income.

    If I had known my husband was cheating when he was active, I would have turned him in to his commander. Yes, that would have made him lose his retirement but by this affair, it was his number 3 and I had enough. He needed to see that his decision to be stupid would cost him everything, his marriage, his family, his career, his retirement for a piece of ass. So, he would really ask himself, “was it worth it”?

  • Bebe December 29, 2011, 6:59 PM

    Theresa,

    It’s funny that you mention “what goes on TDY stays on TDY”. Because if I am not mistaken his whole division knew about the affair and no one said anything. Even the higher rank people. Like his chief and first class. It also makes me mad because after I found out his first class wanted to spill the beans on him. Ain’t that something?

    I thought about turning him into his commander plenty of time. I know that he can get in trouble to fraternization because the OW was under him. But then I thought to myself that I would be taking away from my kids because I am a stay at home mom of two. I have to base my decisions on what’s best for me and my kids. I did how ever was very close to turning him in because after the fact that I told him to cut all contact he was still talking to the OW. That would be a good way at getting him back but then it would just make me feel bad. Because I did that out of anger. This is the first affair that he has had that I know of since he’s been in the service. But I believe that there was more, but I didn’t know about it. Because of that “what stay” shit that they be doing. Thank you for responding!!!

  • Keesh December 29, 2011, 11:37 PM

    I just recently found out my husband cheated on me. We just go married Dec.18 and 5 days later he slept with one my bridesmaids. We have been together for 4 years and have a 2 yr old daughter together. He had unprotected sex with her and tried to hide it. I only found out because I read his messages on his phone after he wouldn’t let me see his phone. We have always been open with each other about everything until now. I don’t know what to do with a marriage that is broken to begin with. We were suppose to be in the happy newly wed stage and instead I am lost. I don’t know what to do. How do I move on from this?

  • Bebe December 30, 2011, 9:55 AM

    Keesh,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this at a time in your life that you should be happy that you are married to the one that you love. And it’s even worse that he cheated on you with one of your bridesmaid. I mean really? She should be ashamed and embarrassed to do such a thing to a friend. And to top it off he had unprotected sex which means that he put your health at risk for his own pleasure. It sucks because I feel the same way. Me and my husband use to be so open and honest with each other up until he started to cheat. Now I feel like I really can’t tell him things and I try not to tell him either. It sucks when you put so much into your relationship only to have it be destroy for a piece of ass.

    At this point you are devastated. You need time for yourself to think things over. He needs to show you that he truly is sorry for what he did and he needs to be transparent when it comes to you. Just remember that you did nothing wrong and what your feeling in normal. Try to take good care of yourself and be strong. Not just for you but for your child. She needs a healthy and happy mother to take care of her. Well I hope things do get better from here on for you, take care!

  • tweety December 30, 2011, 7:29 PM

    JB, I’d like to think I’m thinking clearly somedays, but the waves are the hardest and all of the thoughts they come on very hard. I have been writing all of my questions down and writing in a journal, it is helping a little each day and also makes me mad. I do hope also he answers them honestly and doesn’t give me the i don’t knows, those are the worst! My husband did schedule his appt and I wish I could be a fly on that wall :) I’d love to hear exactly what comes out of his mouth. I sometimes look at him when I can and wonder who the heck are you and where is my husband?????? Your husband sounds alot like mine….with his answers also. I have gotten some answers but I’m gonna get the bulk in person, and not in my house it will have to be a neutral place. My home now has to be drama free for me I need peace here. My husband and I were like you and your husband for some reason we stopped talking about what was important we traveled, talked, and had fun but it was like a real closeness. He said I wasn’t happy, I was but not about everything he did. And I totally reacted to him which didn’t help. If he came home in a bad mood I wouldn’t know what to do..I gave him space and he said I didn’t care and the vicious cycle continued like that. I’d talk to him he didn’t hear a thing I said and of course when he talked I was mad he didn’t hear me and on and on. I know we need some serious help after he gets HIS help, and maybe then I can have a better view of what I can and can’t accept. I still feel like it’s not fair or even. He gets to have all the FUN if you can call that and I still only get him in the end. I know that seems harsh but I want some fun too, but I wanted that with him not for him to find someone else. I hope that makes sense. I finally got some sleep with a little help I hadn’t been sleeping since this happened and that has helped me alot to finally get some rest.
    I want to book a seminar in March to Seattle its for the betrayed spouse and it’s being held by the Berchts. She wrote a book “My husbands affair was the best thing that happened to my marriage” I’ve read her book and I think that it would be nice to get away and meet people that are in the same boat and a couple that fought and are still together. I need to do this for me now and hopefully I get some good advice too.
    Thank you for all you write, you give me something to look forward too. Your WORDS :) Happy New Year to you also….Hugs

  • Sally December 31, 2011, 6:01 AM

    My 55 year old husband of almost 30 years confessed to sleeping with his 28 year old protege from work. Yes, he’s her mentor, her boss, a professional. They were on a business trip in October. When he came home from the trip on Nov 13th, I knew something was wrong with him, his behavior was extremely eratic. I’ll spare all the details due to time and space, however, at that time, he did admit that there was an attraction, but nothing happened except an embrace. He said she made him feel good, laughed at his jokes. He told me he ended it before Thanksgiving; he supposedly told her their relationship could only be professional. I emailed her, and she told me the same garbage. “Yes, your husband and I crossed the line, and we know it was wrong, and we have decided to maintain a professional relationship only.” She has since moved out of the area, across the country, but I found him the other day googling her address so he could “send her something”. I reminded him “no contact”. Two days later, he confessed that they had actually slept together on the business trip. Of course didn’t use protection. I threw him out of the house, then went straight to the dr. for blood tests for STDs. We are both in counseling. He says he wants to stay in the marriage, is ashamed for what he did. Swore it was only once. One part of me wants to take him back and try and rebuild the marriage. I just don’t know how to ever believe she is out of the picture. He has given me access to his phones, emails, etc. I have software on both our computers so I can see what he’s doing. That’s how I found out he was googling her. I just feel so confused, hurt and betrayed. I’m glad I found this forum. At least I know I’m not the only one out there.

  • JB January 2, 2012, 2:11 PM

    Sally, you are not alone-everyone here has experienced an affair and is dealing with all the same emotions that you are feeling. You will find your way- sounds like to me you are doing the things that YOU need (space, counseling)- also feel fortunate that your husband is willing to give you full access and be honest with you- many husbands don’t- as you will read here. We are all hurt and betrayed- the thing we have to overcome is the fear- fear of being hurt again, fear of the unknown, fear of something new, fear of being alone, or maybe the fear of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable again– it is all so hard to work through. You will know when and if you can trust again. Until then, remember the women of this site are here to help you and be part of your journey– Peace and Blessings.

  • JB January 2, 2012, 4:51 PM

    Tweety, we did it- we made it to 2012! I have thought those exact same things- like great I forgive and all I get after all the hard work, pain, and tears– is him –that’s not really fair. I thought it was just me. I believe these thoughts are just part of processing the betrayl. One of us left the marriage- he betrayed us- he went out and jumped that fence- he got to see if the grass was actually greener on the other side. I have thought about what it would feel like to have an affair. Isn’t that part of the allure of the forbidden? Really- I would never in a million years do it- but I wonder what it would be like- then I think – that is just what I need more drama :) No Thanks got plenty of that! Betrayl is so raw and open– it cuts deep and the wound is slow to heal. I can tell you this- all that fun that you want to have with your husband you can- me well -let’s just say things are different now in all parts of my marriage. The time we spend together is real- there is that real connection and communication that we had lost in our marriage, things mean more to us or at least we see the meanings now. The sex is incredible- it took time for me to let him back into my bed- but when I did feel comfortable the new openess we have made sex beautiful in a new way. I know sounds crazy after 25 years of marriage, but it is true- it is a very bright light. I am honest now with my needs. I am having some of that fun with him- we just had to go through hell to get there. We were away this weekend, and both agreed that some of the things we are now aware of in our relationship were just right there- so simple- so available- why we didn’t see them or do them we will never know- but we didn’t and it took an affair to wake us up– that sucks but I’m glad I am here in this place now. I think the seminar sounds great. I have read about them online. Good luck I can’t wait to hear about it if you decide to go. Lastly, just a word of caution- when asking him all the questions, expect to get some “I don’t know’s” After going through this with very little patience for I don’t know, I have learned that they really don’t know some of the answers. The thing you have to consider then is -is he willing to do the work to try and answer them. That is where I knew my husband was committed to me and the marriage- he is doing the work. Cheers to the New Year–may it bring all of us more peace in our lives.

  • Ella January 3, 2012, 7:12 AM

    Happy New Year all. Hoping to start with a cleaner slate this year. BUT — I need some advice …. for those of you who had gone through a year after the affair — how did you handle the D-day anniversary and dates that you knew he was having an affair. I’m struggling because my D-day is in March – but he started it in mid-January. I was filling out my new calendar for 2012 and was looking back at last year’s for birthdays, appts, etc… and WOW — the triggers. He wrote some work functions on the calendar and I know now that he was late because he was busy driving her to her car after work (she used a park and ride and took a bus into the city — but parked near her house) and stopping for a drink along the way. He even got a limo the day AFTER Valentine’s Day to take her home. SO — my question is how did you “celebrate” holidays or how did you just “endure” the days. I’m really trying to make this work. I didn’t have any meltdowns over Christmas/New Years — which is amazing. BUT — these upcoming months will feel different. I do get resentful as you all said — they got to have fun, those butterfly feelings — etc. — and we got pain. Yes, they are doing the work, but they still get us. So this will sound weird, but I still sometimes get mad when we have a fun time. I think — this is better than before — he has changed and is more positive. BUT still…..after what he put us through — how can this be fair. So I still have a little bitterness. Just hoping for some advice on how to get through all of these trigger times. I know they will come up and I feel horrible when they do — it makes me feel worse — I get it off my chest, but it puts me in a bad place again.

  • LisaP January 3, 2012, 11:23 AM

    Ella, The triggers get less but they will remain. I am going on 5yrs Aug 7th is my D day. When it hits I am quiet and keep to myself. I don’t think my husband even really knows the D day. I try to also keep myself distracted from it by shopping and spending his money since I am unemployed thanks to him. (lost job due to stress) Days like Valentines day are hard because I don’t think he means what he says on that day. (he says the right things but I have a hard time believing him). My wedding anniversary is 1 week before valentines day so I try and make that day worth trying to beieve!

  • Ella January 3, 2012, 12:18 PM

    Thanks LisaP — that’s what I’m afraid of. The triggers always remaining. I’m doubting things from before his A — years ago when he had female “friends” who he called and never told me about them. So I still have doubts even though he is moving forward with a new way. Am I stupid for staying? I guess I’ll find out…and have to trust myself. That’s what my counselor told me — to trust myself. We can’t always trust others — but we can trust ourselves, our instincts when something doesn’t feel right, etc. Sometimes I wish I had left initially…but now it’s been a year and at times, I’m half in/half out. I will always be “on guard” — and that is what I struggle with. I hate that uneasiness. But then if I met someone else, would I still need to be? I hear horror stories and used to hear the men I used to work with. Many of them cheated on their wives. They were sick of their lives — bored…. is this all there is kind of a feeling, did I make the wrong choice feeling. It was scary to listen to them …. and now I find myself probably in that same place. It makes me mad that the OW had an upper hand and got him to cheat — although I know it was him who made that decision. But she was apparently attractive — It drives me crazy not knowing what she looks like. She’s on Facebook but doesn’t have a picture. Ugh. I still have my good days and bad and just don’t know if I should even acknowledge Valentine’s Day this year — or just say — I’m skipping it this year. I guess I will know when the time comes as it’s still awhile away. Thanks for your input. I value your opinion!

  • Georgia January 3, 2012, 1:24 PM

    Hi Ladies. I have 2 1/2 years under my belt and the triggers remain. I become quiet and sometimes very very sad. My kids, all over 17 notice and only our son, 20, figured it out. I am still hoping the triggers go away but it is crazy sometimes what sets my feelings rolling. I understand about having a good time and having that bring back the hurt. I think of how or what they did together to laugh and it makes me crazy. Even during intimate times I often get upset just wondering. I know who she is, what she looks like and that none of that even works into why I am upset. I think the emotional attatchment is what gets me the most. Yes, the physical can make me insane but the emotional is definitely the worst. We do not celebrate anything that does not directly involve the kids anymore because it is just easier on our relationship right now. It works…most of the time.

  • Ella January 3, 2012, 3:17 PM

    Georgia — I feel the same. It’s the emotional connection that kills me. I caught my husband before they slept together — but she was trying to figure out a way — she kept suggesting they needed to figure out how to do an overnight and they were looking forward to an evening later in the month I found out — where my husband put a work event on his calendar – it was her company’s event. They were probably planning something that night. She is married with a 9-year old son that she had to be home for. But she worked for my husband’s department as a temp worker and was there on a project. She is no longer there…but it doesn’t help. I told her husband — she claimed to be this religious person and talked about church all the time — and she’s cheating on her husband and son!!! He thanked me for telling him actually — thought something wasn’t right — but it helped him figure things out. I just don’t know what will make me feel any better other than time. But my feelings toward marriage are definitely different. I may follow your holiday lead Georgia — I don’t think I can honestly say he is my “one and only valentine” — when I clearly wasn’t his last year. GRRRRRR.

  • LisaP January 3, 2012, 3:26 PM

    Ella, Georgia, You know we are damned if we stay and damned if we go. Because we are the victims in this regardless which direction we choose. Jewels still talks about her D day and she left. I and others stayed and we all still feel pain, maybe not a strong as it use to be but we do. So there is NO right answer to all our questions. We are all here because we feel the need to connect with others who have been through affairs.

  • caz January 3, 2012, 3:33 PM

    Hi I also left, and while in my heart of hearts I know I did the right thing. I really have lost all respect and love for my husband, life is hard. I feel lonely, but as lonely as I was staying in my marriage, but I am still lonely.
    I know few people now, as I moved away from him.
    Money is tight as he will not sort out the finances for our divorce. I have just lost my job. So in the last 2 months I have moved home twice, lost 3 jobs (I worked with him, so lost that one) I then took on two temporary jobs, bith of which have come to an end. Welfare say I can’t get any help as my name is on the house deeds, therefore I have assets.
    I feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall.
    Along with this I have just discovered my sons marriage has now ended. A lot of stress in a few short months.
    my advice to anyone who is unsure what to do, prepare yourself financially! Stash money away while you decide what your best options are.
    Be prepared. For all the financial problems, I’m glad I have gone!
    Good luck ladies x

  • tweety1028 January 3, 2012, 6:33 PM

    JB, Yes, I made it, it’s 2012. It was very sad we were supposed to go to mexico and plan his company trip coming this feb and I didn’t go so he took our son. My son loved it. I on the other hand I’m not fairing too well. I sort of opened pandora’s box. I found some emails and looked into them. Saw a side of him I didn’t know existed. I really don’t know what I’m going to do now…I don’t know much of anything. I am so lost right now. I am so frightened and lonely that I don’t see any end to this. All that I know is that he really hasn’t been honest for a long time and I don’t know when I talk to him if he will really tell me everything. I know most of it and need answers. I’m so ashamed and embarrasshed and sick of all of it….I know it wasn’t me but how could I be so stupid and dum. How could I miss all of it. All I ever did was love him for him. But I don’t think I was really loving the guy I married 25 years ago, he is different now. I don’t know what he thinks anymore. The sad part is I feel that I’ve lost my judgement and senses because some days I want to work it out and then somedays I don’t. I’m afraid If I leave If I find someone else will that person be like him….I don’t want to go through this again. He tells me he loves me and will do anything to make it right again and what ever I say he will do. He is just waiting. But can I trust him, after all that I have found. But I don’t know what I can live with or not. This is so hard. I wish someone can wave a wand and make all this go away…. :( This hurt is unbearable right now.

  • JB January 3, 2012, 10:57 PM

    Tweety- I am so sorry that you are having to go through even more right now. I think you have talk to someone- I know you mentioned finding a therapist- are you still seeing her/him ? You need someone to help you sort through it all- one thing that happened to me and I am sure many other women when they go through such a trauma- I think I read where someone here has PTSD- so this is nothing to fool around with–seek help if you need it– period–YOU are the most important thing right now– get you to where you need to be. These emotions are overwhelming and powerful-it is as if everything gets all jumbled up together, sort of like a big file drawer without any files to neatly put things away in the right place-we get the info and it is too painful to process or we don’t know how so we just throw it in the drawer on top of the other stuff and it piles up and up and up. Never getting procesed or sorted. I felt like this (sometimes still do) I couldn’t take it- I thought I would explode. I don’t think I could have done it without my therapist. She has been able to keep me sorting through each thing by itself- not one big giant clump of stuff all at the same time. It has helped just to have someone help me process and look at the reality of my situation for what it truly is without all the emotions attached- I was too full of anger, hurt, and fear- that is something I still have to work on constantly–. Remember you are in the discovery phase still, you haven’t finished discovering everything- but you are in charge– don’t ever forget that. Relieve this stress somehow- seek help, run, meditate, yoga, something— don’t let this destroy you– nothing is worth that. You are right – he is different- mine is too- These men are different than they were 25 years ago, and so are we. Gosh, I hope I am better than that silly 22 year old with wide eyes and no fricking clue as to what was about to become her life– :) We grew up and apart somehow- even if we both didn’t know it–but for this moment focus on YOU!!! Again, you have to put YOU first-in all your actions, thoughts, and needs. He was selfish and self-centered when he had the affair- Now it is your turn. It is soooooooooooo HARD to do, but good when it happens. Also stop living with the “what if’s” only live with the “what is”– You can’t worry right now about what if he will cheat again, if he will see her again, etc.. Remember this is not just another fight you had with your husband, this is a life changing event- and change is hard and difficult. BREATHE my friend– I am thinking about you– HUGS and more HUGS

  • tweety1029 January 4, 2012, 7:33 AM

    JB, I have a therapist but I need to see if I can see her more often or someone else…I was given some meds but it seems like that doesn’t seem to help it. They are so I can sleep. I do need help sorting this out. I feel hopeless and alone. I don’t know what to do with the pain that is inside it is overwhelming and almost paralyzes me. I am trying to stay busy and but it seems to invade all of my life. I would look for a job but that would be a joke right now I would be a total mess interview wise. I don’t know how he looks at himself in the mirror everyday and likes what he sees is beyond me. I don’t think he or any of them know how they can ruin another human beings soul and spirit by their selfish acts. And if they did would they even care? I know all this is all about him and not me, I just can’t get over the fact that he could do that and whatever else he’s been up to and carry on with his life like nothing is happening. I swear he was always home, didn’t go out, we took trips, we had date nights, we I thought were talking, we made time to do things, why did I miss the signs…….I know that they get smarter and sneakier but come on after awhile doesn’t it eat them up inside and they feel sick? I know I couldn’t even come close to what he’s been doing and not feel total guilt. I’m just scared and frightful of my future, I don’t know what is it like not to have him it’s been me and him for so long. So I thought. Thanks for letting me get this out I treasure your advice since everyone here knows exactly what I’m going through. hug :)

  • LisaP January 4, 2012, 8:32 AM

    tweety1029, It called SHOCK! I think I was in it for 1yr. I was depressed and emotionally not even there for my kids. My kids where older & teens at the time so they took care of themselves. I didn’t sleep for almost 3months I tried but the shock of everything kept waking me up the minute I fell asleep. I still don’t know how I made it through that time but my body did. I found a massage works at relieving some of the tention but tell the massage therapist you might start crying during it (because I did) so much release happen with just one massage. The meds I got too didn’t work at all I should have asked for something more. I was a zombie for 1yr. I went to work, came home and curled up in a ball on my bed and cried everyday and night for what seemed forever! My world had just fallen apart and he was doing nothing to fix it. You will get threw this, I did and others too. Just hang in there and keep taking to us.

  • lisam January 4, 2012, 8:59 AM

    Hi, I have been married 10 yrs and have 2 small kids. My husband is fixated with escort services and the last I know he used them was 4 years ago. When I found out we went counselling and I said I forgave him but I really didn’t. The hurt was still there, time flew by and we had arguments and I said nasty things to him but we just go on with parenting and life duties. We also had good times too and I actually started to think things were okay and this was how life would be, with him and the kids. 1 month ago I found a book that detailed our finances, list of escort sites and a girl name with fantasy’s underneath. I confronted him and he said that he wanted to leave and he was not happy with his life – the sites were part of research he was doing as he wanted to start his own escort service, the girls name was someone he has met for coffee twice and the fantasy’s were just thoughts. We argued that day and he burnt the book . Anyway I feel hurt all over again but for some strange reason I don’t want him to leave me and feel that I am at point in my head now where I have forgiven him from 4 yrs ago and can also forgive him again for the book. He wants to go counselling by himself to figure why he is doing these things which I encourage but he still hasn’t said he wants to stay with me or kids – he just keeps saying he is confused about everything. Please let me know your thoughts.

  • JB January 4, 2012, 6:50 PM

    Tweety-Glad to hear you are still seeking help, and LisaP has a great idea- a massage. Something just for you and wonderful at the same time. Perfect escape for an hour- try the hot stones if they offer it- they feel great. I understand that you are beating yourself up a little over not seeing the signs- ME TOO. I had NO idea– they are very crafty at hiding it. I know how you feel – we have been married to these men forever and we know their moods, habits, routines, etc… Nothing at my house changed- There were a few (very few) signs now that I really start thinking about it and know the history, but still nothing I couldn’t have attributed to something else. But realize that is just what they bank on- we are so set in the routines and consistency of life – if they just move through the water without causing waves — we don’t see it- we trust them and have trusted them all our lives-until they did this. My husband didn’t go to clubs or stay out late, he was home, helped with the girls, participated in our life- date nights, social functions, trips, etc..that part can be distubing- How in the heck did I miss this? but your radar is heightened now- trust me– I see things and am super hypersensitive to what is going on. Don’t put too much effort into blaming or questioning yourself. I just made it perfectly clear to my husband that I would not be made a fool of and would never be a doormat again- EVER. If I even get a wiff that he is not being upfront with me– he is out! No questions, no explinations, not excuses, no talking — just OUT– and I am done. Don’t get a job unless you want to or have to– give yourself some more time for YOU. I am a teacher and it was so hard to stay focused on my job and my students– super hard that first week. I am sure my co-workers saw changes in me, but no one asked so I was good. It also allowed me to wear that “mask” for longer periods of time and forced me to keep it together for the 8 hours I was there. I thought about a leave of absence, but the more I got through each day, then each week, and now months, I find that school is the one place that hasn’t been touched by this affair. It is a safe place for me. I have my students to keep me occupied and focused on the tasks at hand. I think of it as part of my sanctuary. Don’t get me wrong there were days when all I could do was push my lunch around on the plate- never taking a bite and breaking down on my way home in the car, but while I was there I forced myself to keep it together — I was and still am safe there. I should have gotten some meds during those first weeks, I did take some sleeping meds (left over from my trip last summer) and those helped. I have several girlfriends who take meds for depression, stress, OCD, etc… They swear by them, there are so many choices out there- surely you can find some relief. For me the breathing and 5 yoga classes a week have been my key. Without it I am not sure where I would be. Make the small decisions right now- maybe a volunteer job for a few hours-no major committments or added stress- something you have always wanted to try- but never took the time- you may already be involved in something like that-see what is out there in your area to start putting some substance back in your life. Giving to others can take your mind off yourself and the pain- not to forget what is happening but to give yourself, mind and body some relief. Once it happens once, you will stop and realize “hey I’m not crying, I’m smiling on my own, I’m doing something good and feel better for the moment”. Then you will know you are on your way. Those little glimpses of peace do eventually add up to something significant- just give it time. Thinking about you- Hugs and more Hugs.

  • JB January 4, 2012, 7:50 PM

    lisam from Canada, glad you found the site- I don’t have any personal experience with a husband hooked on escort services, but I am sure there are others here that can shed light on your situation. I can tell you that Jewels and all the women here are supportive and honest with one another. We all have been hurt by men we loved and have all been betrayed. You have been through this twice, so you know how hard it is to stay. I hope your husband does seek the help he needs to figure out what is triggering such destructive behavior, and that he will be honest with you during the process. Peace and Blessings along your journey.

  • tweety January 4, 2012, 7:50 PM

    Hi Ladies…..Yes, Lisa I know I’m still in shock …. I’m trying and I’m not getting anywhere. I know it will come but while I’m here it’s very bad. I know I shouldn’t do this but my brain won’t shut off, I go over all of it in my head and try to think of signs and changes and nothing. Yes, JB I agree we are in our routines and if he doesn’t change that he’s undetected. I can’t believe how slick he was. I know we werent’ perfect and yes he has done texing things in the past we went to counseling in 2006 thought we were working on it but I think I was the only one trying. He looked like he was but he wasn’t. I don’t know if he really knows what damage he has done to me. I try to tell him how I feel now and I don’t think he fully understands. I do get massages he got me a years membership last year and another year this year so I get one every month, and my massage guy is like 65 years old and very nice. He is very concerned for me right now and checks on me regularly. I try to get out everyday to seem normal and not stay in the house all day, and slowly be around people but not for long. I also think of my future with or without him and that is very hard to do. I’ve only been with him just like you JB forever it seems. I can’t picture myself alone and trying to date now? But I know not to go to far ahead or my head will explode. I keep thinking baby steps. Lisa, did you stay with your husband? Did his counseling help? JB and Lisa I don’t know how you both worked thru this I know it was a break from it but I think I would be a basketcase and make lots of mistakes :( I hope I get to where you are now…I read and re-read everything everyone writes hoping it sticks in my head, that’s how I’m getting thru each day THANK YOU everyone :) I talk to him tomorrow wish me luck hugs :)

  • vicki January 4, 2012, 9:29 PM

    Hi ,I have been married for 25 yrs and I only have one child left at home who is 20yrs.I found out 3 1/2 years ago that my husband had been sleeping around while he was away with work and then started with one other when he was back home.I moved out to the coast only 45min drive as I have always found it very relaxing he started parking outside saying he couldn’t be away from me.we went to counselling seperately and in time as a couple he said it had only happend 7 times in the 2 years and that it ment nothing and that he always loved me and our family 3mths later he moved into my apartment so we could start rebuilding our marrige it took me 9 mths before we moved back home. I still went through alot of ups and downs I never fully trusted him I think I just went through the motions I still felt like my heart was broken I didn’t see him in the same way but we did go back to having some fun times with our kids and grandkids some kind of normal then my sister was going through a devorce( for the same thing) It was like it all came flowing back ,August 2011 she asked me to go down and help her pack I felt abit uneasy so I had a friend keep an eye on things and the very same day I flew out that night he got a hooker out of the paper to our home and on our bed my friend rang me and played part of the recording I rang him straight away off cause he denied it but I know what I heared I repeated part of the conversation and hung up the next morning I couldnt say anything to my sister as she was still going through hell herself so I helped her pack and flew home. I have done alot of crying ,screaming how can someone that says they love you can hurt you so bad the last time I realy wanted to go and do the same thing just so he would now how it hurts but its just not me. I now feel completely broken I feel my hole marrige has been a lie don’t trust my own judgment I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth I just exsist Im not finacial enuogh to move out we do talk about the business and family not realy about what happend he acts like he is sick of hearing about it he has said he was sorry and that it would never happen again and that he will do anything to fix our marrage and that I could put a tracker on him so I know where he is at all times but what sort of a life is that, Im going for my first counselling today hopefuly that will be my starting point .PS Thank you all for this site I to read everything many times over.

    • Jewels January 4, 2012, 11:20 PM

      Hello Everyone, I really love how everyone is supporting each other, continue. I can not even express how much writing has helped me heal, and I am happy to see other women doing the same to progress in their journey….

      lisam - welcome. It seems like your husband has found so much enjoyment that he wants to start his own service. And I sense that you want to forgive him again. What you have to ask yourself is why you want to forgive him? Is it because it is better to forgive him than face a divorce? Is is because you feel that he has changed and will never do it again? I sense a bit of self-esteem/self-worth issues within your post, we all have them, but I want you to keep pushing and asking yourself why you want to forgive him. It seems that he is not ready to work on mending the situation, which is fine. Don’t push or force it, recovering from the lying and deception is not an easy thing to do, he needs to be onboard and commit to working it out. If he takes too long, maybe think about giving him a time limit, say, I understand you are going through things, but you being confused is really taking a toll, I need to know either way if you want to work things out, so I need to know by X date. Just be careful Lisam, I don’t want you to stay for the wrong reasons and get hurt all over again, it’s no fun….take care.

      Vicki - I can feel the devastation in your email, after all the work to mend it the last time. In my opinion, his words are not enough, they are not going to give you comfort. Putting a tracker on him is no way to live. He is going to need some serious therapy to get through this, to understand why he felt the need to call a hooker as soon as you leave. He did not do this to hurt you, there is some type of hole missing in him that has nothing to do with you, that is causing this behavior. The couples that I have seen that have made it have husbands that study themselves and go to therapy to find out why. I am not a huge advocate of staying together after you find out he has lied and cheated the second time. I am not trying to be negative, and of course know that you will get support on this site whatever you decide to do, but I feel that if you take him back after the second time, husband’s sometimes feel that they have you, and thus might do it again at some point, just cover it up more. I hope the counseling goes well, I had to find out twice as well, and boy that second time cut like a knife, it was horrible. BUT I got through it and have never been happier in my life, so there is hope!

  • JB January 4, 2012, 9:50 PM

    Tweety- I am thinking about you!!!! Stay strong tomorrow. Don’t get yourself too worked up- Calm and Focused should be your mantra :) Follow your heart and try not to let the anger and emotions keep you from saying what you need to say. I pray that your husband is truly honest with you and is the open book that you want. I also pray that you are able to hear the words and are at least able to leave the conversation with a few answers. BREATHE my friend — remember this is a baby step and the path you will take will reveal itself to you when you are ready –stay steady and strong for now. You will be in my thoughts all day tomorrow. LUCK- HUGS- YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS– Know we are all here for you. Peace and a good nights rest–and more HUGS of course :)

  • LisaP January 4, 2012, 10:28 PM

    tweety, Yes I stayed but with trial and error on his part and mine. I kicked him out the first time for 3 months then he came crawling back. Then 3 months went bye and I knew I still couldn’t trust him and I was so miserable so I kicked him out again even talked to a divorce lawyer. But there was always that connection we had that drew us back together. So 3 months later he came back but we took it slow. He wasn’t all they way back half at his brothers half at our home. I tried to be the good wife and not check up on him but I couldn’t let go. After 4yrs he slipped up and was texting the OW again (July 2011) and that was the last straw. But he begged me not to through him out he said he was sick. (which he was, Alcohol and Sex addition) he coulnd’t stop either othe them. I swore that in sickness and in health I would be there. It took me awhile to realize that he was really sick in both areas. The next day he took the steps to get in AA for both problems. the trust is not 100% and never will be! Our life is better but we don’t talk about it. Like I said before through AA he has to forget the past and work on the future. That is their guidelines. So we just say nothing about our past (unless he does something that pisses me off like a trigger or memory).Then I say what I think. He has changed me and made me stronger. He knows now that I don’t need him and can do everything without him. I am sort of a all around girl and can do guy stuff without his help. So now he tries to be a good husband and father. His AA helps him and all of you help me. but believe me I could have used this group in the begining because my therapist didn’t know shit. The one thing she had to get in my head was” He Had an Affair and cheated on me!” I was in such denial! I just couldn’t get my brain around the thought that he did this to me, our family our life we built together. So which ever way you choose to go it is up to you. Both ways are hard on everyone. Just take it one day at a time. There is NO RUSH on any decision. Take care, keep us posted.

  • LisaP January 4, 2012, 10:33 PM

    vicki, he needs to go to counseling to find out why he does this too you and himself! If he doesn’t then there is No help for the two of you. There will always be that next time and the next time after that. I am coming up on 24yrs of marriage and still find it hard thinking of what he put me through. I too am financially dependent on him I have no job and no career but banking as a teller/loan officer. Pay in the banking industries sucks unless your a V.P. and the work is very stressfull. I too wanted revenge and do this to him but I am not that person. He needs to know how much this hurts you. Ask him would he stay with you if you did this to him?

  • LisaP January 4, 2012, 10:48 PM

    Twety, I find that writing down my questioned help me not forget what I wanted to ask him. Sometime I would just send him a text saying you just through me away like garbage for your own sexual needs. Never once thought of the ending Affect! I am braver through emails and text because I start to cry when I am face to face because my pain will always be with me. Maybe you too can write stuff down before meeting with him.

  • LisaP January 4, 2012, 10:49 PM

    I meant Tweety not Twety. We need spell check on this forum. LOL

  • lisam January 5, 2012, 4:26 AM

    Hi Jewels , JB and all the other very kind ladies here – Yes, I am so scared of being alone that I think its better to have him as he is and just accept that guys do bad things. I know it will take some time to get strong and while I build myself up maybe by focusing on helping him get better it will also makes me a better person. Maybe my happines needs to be put aside for a while. He has started councelling but I also very realistic about the outcome and know that whatever happens the love I had for him before will not be the same now. Jewels, I will defo be giving myself an X date as there is only so much pain one can take. Thankyou so much.

  • JO January 5, 2012, 7:59 AM

    I had a phone call yesterday from the husband of the woman my husband has been involved with for 6 months. Kicks directly to the stomach could not even come close to the shock and devastation I felt. I had no idea anything was going on. How could i not have ???? Should a woman not intuitively know when her husband of almost 30 years is sleeping with another woman? I don’t know what to do, I have a good life ( or so i thought) I can’t imagine life on my own. We are about 7 years from retiement and have plans to travel. My husband seems truely sorry for the pain/stupidity of his actions/and absolute mess he has brought about in our lives. I am trying to do normal things- go for a run, read the paper,ect but I cannot get the questions and images out of my mind. Not to mention the huge WHY DID HE DO THIS and HOw could he continue it when he knew how wrong it was. I don’t know what the first steps to healing/moving forward are. Hope you can help.

  • JB January 5, 2012, 4:37 PM

    Lisam- I think it is important that you set an X date, but something concerns me about your last post- You said you thought it would be good for you to help him get through this while putting your needs on hold. YIKES– I strongly urge you not to focus on him. The focus has been on him- he caused all this chaos. Don’t put yourself second- you should be first. You should focus on YOU! I have stayed with my husband, but he had to do his own work while I focused on ME. You will only get stronger by putting your needs, wants, and emotional health first. Try it and see what happens. I bet if you stop focusing on him and start doing things to heal yourself he will either get his act together because he sees a strong woman that won’t put up with his stupidity any more and start fighting to save the marriage, or he won’t care and then you will truly have your answer. My experience is that my husband has to win me back over- not the other way around. I won’t give up my personal well being for his sake- he lost that when he betrayed me. I hope that you will find the strength to fight for yourself- no man and I mean no man is worth loosing yourself over. Just food for thought. Good luck on your healing. Peace and Blessings

  • JB January 5, 2012, 5:27 PM

    JO from Canada, I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this situation, but you have found the right place to find support. Your story sounds very familiar to many of us here- Myself included. I too was told by the other husband, and it does feel like a kick in the stomach. I too didn’t have a clue and the affair had lasted about the same amount of time. You are in shock right now, emotions are flying in your head and the world is spinning in all directions. It is like a bad carnival ride- we all know and have been there. My husband too was a broken man afterwards- we have been together 30 years – married for 25 and this was the first affair in our marriage. Your husband needs to get some help- he has to figure out for himself what is wrong with him. You might need some too to help process it all- therapy has been amazing for us- we see individual therapists as well as a marraige counselor. You are in the discovery phase of the recovery- check out Jewels e-book it is free on this site- she describes the steps to recovery and explains what comes next- it was very helpful. Talk to your husband- discovery is about getting the answers and details that you need to put this all in your head correctly. It is like putting together a jigsaw puzzle of lies.. Because you didn’t know anything, you need to understand it to process it and heal from it. Is the affair over? That is a big one. You can’t go forward until that happens. If it is over, you need answers to your questions. My advice is keep a journal- you are most likely super angry with him, embarassed, shocked, disgusted by his behavior, etc.. a good memory is not something you will have right now– write it ALL down- that helped me tremendously. I also wrote down all the questions I needed to ask. That way I had a plan when I sat down to talk to him and didn’t forget anything. Remember you JUST found out- the disbelief is still there- Hopefully your husband will be open and honest with you and will be willing to work on the marriage. But for now, you need to keep yourself healthy (eat and sleep-even though that is super hard). Give it time also- it doesn’t happen overnight. If you decide to stay and work on the marriage- know that it is such hard work- but can be the best thing that ever happened to the two of you. I can tell you it is possible to stay together- we did- we are in an amazing place now- complete honesty — amazing! You will survive this and be a better, stronger, more confident woman because of it no matter what happens. Know we are here for support if you need us- Good luck in your recovery- Peace and Blessings

  • JD January 5, 2012, 10:31 PM

    The other night my husband was sleeping, I saw his phone kept going off so I checked it. It’s not something I do regularly at all. But it was a woman thanking him for the great car sex. I text back and found out it was the woman he had lived with during our first break up. We met just out of highschool, was together for 4 years and broke up because we weren’t ready for all the things involved with a serious relationship. During that time I found my independence, travelled, bought a house; he went back to school and had a relationship with this woman. 4 years later we ran into eachother; both single; and picked up where we left off older and more mature. We spent time talking through the reasons why it didn’t work the first time and felt it was more of a finding ourselves and growing time that was needed. We’ve been back together for 3 years and have a 15 month old child. We had been having problems the last few months, sleeping on separate floors, fighting about house duties. The first night he denied the affair, then the next day he told me it had happened twice in the last couple weeks. He says he’s sorry, sorry it happened and sorry I’m hurting and has agreed to go to counselling. I know he loves me and I do think he’s sorry. I told him I don’t know what will happen with counselling but at least we can know we did everything we could so there were no ‘what if’s’ and at the very least we owe that to our child. If we separate the counselling can help us form a healthy relationship because we’re connected for the rest of our lives by our child. I’m hurt and scared because I don’t know if we can work through this. I don’t know if marriages can work after something like this, how you trust again. It hurts that he turned to someone else. I know its going to take time and work, we have the pre-affair problems that we need to work through. But he was someone who before this week was fully against the idea of counselling and he is willing to go because I asked him to, so at least he is showing me that whatever does happen, he is willing to try too. Thank-you for sharing your experiences so I don’t have to feel alone.

    • Jewels January 7, 2012, 2:28 AM

      Hello JD,

      What a way to find out, I am sure you did not get any sleep that night with finding out such a thing. I think you are taking the right approach. My dad told me that exact same advice, he told me to go to counseling and if that does not work, at least you can leave knowing that you did everything you could. Sadly, we couldn’t even agree on counseling so we never went together. That is great that he is willing to go to counseling. Him understanding and knowing what caused him to cheat will be a big breakthrough, most men don’t really know in depth why they do it. They give us surface reason because they really don’t know themselves. It is a hard and long road, but there are people who have stayed together and worked through it. And there are people who ended up leaving. You have to know in your heart that whatever happens, is the right path for you. I know it hurts, especially with bringing a new little one into the world. Just know that you have a group of women here to support you through your journey.

  • tweety January 6, 2012, 1:29 PM

    Hi ladies, I talked to my husband and he answered my questions and I know I must of asked them at least two times….but he answered them. I heard what he was saying and I’ve been reading so much about this his and all their answers are the same. He said he felt unloved, not appreciated and she paid attention to him. I still don’t feel any better about all of it since the talk and still confused and angry and very hurt. He said he didn’t want to get a divorce and wanted to work it out and will do whatever it takes. But it’s up to me to decide since he did this to me and he screwed it up. Did anyone feel like they were looking for some magical answer that would tell them why? Like the light bulb would go off and you’d have the answer? I think that’s what I was thinking. Right now I don’t know how to figure out if I want to work it out or if he can change with counseling and lots of it since we obviously had serious problems before this or just let it go and move on. I know either way it’s alot of work. But I’m having a problem with the next step, how to come to that conclusion to stay or go. Did anyone ever wonder if your husband could change enough to make it really work? Since we’ve been married so long did you wonder if all the old patterns and behaviors would come back? I don’t want to fall back where we were and I know it takes communication but how can you change so much after 25+ years of the same thing. I know lots of counseling. I asked him If I think I’m trying and you don’t in the future how can I trust you to come to me first and really tell me that. Because that’s the problem that caused this. He said we just have to work harder at showing and telling each other. In my head old voice is saying sure but for how long? I need to stop doing that I know but habits are hard to break especially with trust issues. Right now he still want to talk so I can get all I need answered. And work on trying to get to the next step if that’s what I want. That’s where I am right now, but it still hurts, I’m still lost, I’m still so unsure about everything. I still dont’t want him near me or even hug me, how long does that last? I can’t get the images out of my head and that is what comes to mind. Is that normal? JO I’m going thru what you are your story is my story except I got a knock you got a phone call. I’ve been married 25 years and I am thinking just like you. I haven’t gotten to the point of doing anything normal, I’m not the same person. It’s been almost a month since I found out. I can’t grasp why would he do this to me and not come to me first. How could he. And worst of all I’m thinking I’m not good enough. I know I’m not the problem it’s ALL him. But still you think that. What hurts the most is she even looks like me which to me is totally sick!!!! JO hang in there like me and listen to the great women on this forum I do and do what they say and try to keep their thoughts with me everyday, every moment. They have been thru it I trust them more then anyone I have to talk to close to me. LisaM I too am scared and frightened to be alone and on my own cuz he is all I’ve ever known. I know exactly what you feel and I’m a independent person I take care of the whole house, yard, cars etc. I don’t need a man in that respect but I don’t to live with my husband they way he is now…you need to take care of you like the ladies here say they are smart and full of advice. Thank you everyone for listening. hugs

  • tweety January 6, 2012, 1:52 PM

    BEBE, I was re-reading some posts and I think I missed the one you had asked me about cheating in the military. It’s funny I’m retired Navy my husband is retired USAF. We both retired in 2002. I joined before women were allowed on ships, I was never stationed on a ship and I’ve heard the stories. During my career yes I saw alot of it. I also got offers alot but I’m not like that. I remember going to a school once and the maids of the hotel reported to the school teachers that no one was staying in their hotel rooms, ……It shocked me but not surprised me that most of these people were all married. I think the military is just like a large company. It happens everywhere, but working those long shifts, pulling duty and deployments doesn’t help. All of it is wrong no matter where it happens. I hope that helps a little bit I know it doesn’t make it right though.

  • JO January 6, 2012, 1:58 PM

    Thanks JB for your heart felt words of support and encouragement. We have done more talking in the last 2 days than in months prevoiusly, it was so easy to get wrapped up in life in general and assume everything was fine in the relationship. I have nver seen my husband cry in the 33 years I have known him but he cried more than I did as I think he is beginning to understand the depth of hurt and betrayal he chose to inflict. He has made arrangements for counselling on Monday- I don’t know if that is too soon ??? I am not willing to throw away all that we had together but I am so confused about how I can continue to look at him/be with him knowing what he did with someone else. How did you get to that place? He has been willing to answer all questions no matter how uncomfortable. I have asked the L word question and he did say it- I am having a really hard time with that. He says it is very easy to say when you don’t mean it. In some twisted way, that sort of makes sense. He says what we have /had is worth so much more and he will do anything I want to get our life back. What I want, of course, is for him to have done the right thing in the first place and when this woman contacted him ( I HATE google!!!) He should have never responded. She was an old girlfriend from when he was a teenager and wanted to catch up and see how things were going. Her own life was not happy, although she is married (32 years) she complained about a smothering husband and boredom. Well she sure fixed that. It went from a lunch to a hotel room with in a few weeks. My husband- weak as all men -was taken in by the flattery and interest shown. I hope we find out why he so desperately needed that, enough to risk everything. I am going about “normal ” life . Well, not exactly eating or sleeping terrifcally, I am set to return to school on Monday ( I am a teacher and have been on Christmas break) I am finding out that I can do normal things but really don’t like being alone- too much time to think. I have not thrown him out although that would have been what I thought my reaction would have been if this was a hypothetical situation. Unfortunately, it is anything but. The return to school will be very hard as I will have to keep it together all day, I don’t plan on telling anyone there what I am going through, I’ll see how that goes. I have not talked to anyone but my husabnd about this. I don’t know what good it would do until I have my own head around it. We have 3 grown children all away at University and I want to keep them out of it as well. If we can make things work, I want them to continue on not knowing. I am a strong person, I know I can get through this, I wish with all my heart I didn’t have to.

  • suziq January 6, 2012, 2:08 PM

    Jo
    you might want to rethink not telling anyone at work what is going on. At first I did not tell anyone at work, but then I got called to the carpet by my manager for poor job performance. When I told her what was going she was very understanding and has helped me tremendously to get through the tough patches. It helped her to understand why I was not up to my regular job performance and it gave me somone to talk to if it got to rough at work.

  • JO January 6, 2012, 3:30 PM

    Thanks for the thought, suziq, but my principal is not an understanding person and if fact I thhink she would use this information against me or to have something to hold over me. I am hoping to have a safe place at school not tainted by the affair. My students -their enthusiasm, curiosity and general respect and admiration,are wonderful antidotes for whatever ails me , though nothing remotely close to this has ever happened. I am not counting on them to solve my problems but just give me a different focus for the school day.

  • Tina January 6, 2012, 3:50 PM

    Haven’t been on here in awhile but just to update I found out a year ago about my husbands affair and like you Tweety am still very much struggling with it every day my only difference is he got the OW pregnant yep pregnant she had the baby last wk so I’m finding myself more and more depressed trying to figure out why I stayed do I really love this man this much to endure such pain or am I just scared to be alone? I can’t figure it out! And am I the only one that is obsessed with the hate I have for this women I believe she did this on purpose cause she wanted my husband to leave me this is a grown ass women who does this? Anyway just venting I’m still so hurt and angry and I will be reminded by his affair forever by this baby! I still pray every night its not his maybe god will grant me this one prayer cause I can’t handle much more. I don’t believe my husband knows the depth of the pain he has caused and I just need him to get it!

  • JB January 6, 2012, 4:52 PM

    JO- I too am a teacher. School has been my safe place- untouched by the affair. I walk in my door each morning and get the hugs and smiles that I need to make it through the day. I have not told anyone at my school- I don’t socialize with many of the people that I work with and I have been teaching at the same school for almost 18 years- so I knew if I needed time off my principal would be willing to give it to me without question. I also didn’t want to be the topic of gossip around the copier– at least at my school that is where all the dirt is spilled. I know I was unusually quiet the first few days around the lunch table, but soon it was the one place I could be my old self and because I was so busy with the kids all day I really didn’t have time to think about my personal problems. It is nice to have that place for just ME. I have been able to do my job- focus is sometimes not 100%, but children rarely notice things like that. I have been able to continue my healing at home with my husband- I also never asked him to leave. It has been hard somedays as I have wanted everyone to just leave me alone and let me have some “me time”, but then again the activity around the house has been a distraction also. I have teenagers so that is chaos in itself even without the affair. Monday is not too soon for your husband to start seeking help. My husband was the same way- he got in with a therapist almost immediately after I found out and I do believe it helped move me forward and out of the depressed state- knowing he was trying to get the answers that I need. He has seen his therapist weekly =sometimes twice a week since then- I also have been seeing someone. It helps me to find focus- by that I mean she is able to help me put all these crazy thoughts and gut wrenching images into safe places for me. Just having someone to talk to is nice. I have only told two super close friends and only because they have both had affairs before. I know-horrible- but neither with married men- and there are long stories behind each of their situations- I knew they would be able to walk me through those early stages of distress and confusion. Gosh it is so hard. I think that we all heal in our own way, but this blog has been a huge outlet for me– and much cheaper than the $100 an hour I pay the therapist :) Plus this is better than therapy in someways. All the women here have experienced exactally what I am going through- and they have been able to validate what I am feeling (which we all know is HUGE)– plus it helps us realize we are moving forward when we are able to offer some words of wisdom to others. As far as your children, well if you read my story you will know that my husband had an affair with our daughters best friends mother. We weren’t going to tell her, but when her friend overheard the OW talking about the affair , our daughter had to be told. My husband told her and it was awful. She now has seen a therapist a few times and is dealing with it suprisingly well. The other couple are in the middle of a divorce right now, so her best friend is still a mess. The OW husband was a dear college friend of ours- so this is all very close to home. I wish my daughter didn’t know- I wish that we could have tried to work on this alone and keep it between us, but that wasn’t in the cards for us. I wouldn’t tell unless they ask. I wish like you that I didn’t have to go through all this, but we do- I am just glad I have all of you to rely on for support and encouragement. Have a relaxing weekend and enjoy the rest of your break as much as you can. Peace and Blessings

  • JB January 6, 2012, 5:26 PM

    Tweety, I am so glad to hear from you. You have been on my mind the last two days A LOT. I am glad you talked. It sounds like you were in a good place – not too emotional and able to get your questions out. I am so proud of you- that is an accomplishment and you should be happy about that- forward movement-remember. It also sounds like you want to believe him, but still have a few doubts. Me too— having one of those days today in fact. I will post again about that. I don’t know if that ever goes away, but it is not as intense as it is for you right now. My husband did the same thing- he put the ball in my court and let me make the decision about what I wanted next– to me it was a little too much pressure at the time, because I didn’t know what I wanted. All I promised him after those first few conversations was that I was willing to go to 1 marriage counseling session. That was all- I couldn’t give him anything more than that. We did keep talking and talking and talking, but I didn’t know if I wanted to stay or leave. You don’t have to make any decisions right now- let them come to you- like Jewels says “the universe will reveal the answer to you when you are ready to hear it”– that is the truth- So just be patient. There is no magic pill to get you there- wish there was- we could become billionaires with that cure :) No really. Go back and read your posts- you will see progress– I do. It always hurts, it always is there, it just gets easier to deal with- as you get stronger you will force yourself to not focus on the pain so much– but it never goes away. Keep going- keep moving – keep writing in your journal- keep focusing on YOU. Is your husband getting the help he said he would? I hope so. It helped me know that my husband was trying and doing all he could to help himself and our marriage. You can now breath a little easier because that first real Q&A is over. You will still have 1,00’s of questions- keep writing them down and keep asking them- I still do that – in fact had a Q&A this morning before work. Most of all right now, be proud of yourself- you did it and you survived it. Don’t let yourself overlook the progress. As far as the ‘what did I do wrong and am I good enough’ questions– well, those never leave either- again when and if you start letting him back into your life, and if he is able to show you that you are number 1 in his life (it is a little strange-because this is like dating him again-or at least it was for me), you will start to feel better about being enough. For now, just breathe a little sigh of relief and do something special for yourself- You deserve it! Hugs my friend.

  • JB January 6, 2012, 8:04 PM

    Has anyone out there that has stayed found themselves going along just fine, feeling good about yourself and good about the recovery process overall, and then all of the sudden out of nowhere feel like you need to revisit the beginning of your recovery again? I feel a sense of fear that we may have missed something or something is still left unsaid but I can’t figure out what. I woke up today with that feeling. It was strange and I immediately sat down with my husband and went through all the questions that started popping into my head. Things I already have the answers to and thought that I had processed, but I just felt some need to ask them again. He was fairly patient with me, but I could tell from his expressions and face that he was like “Oh no here we go again- is she ever going to get past some of this?” But that is the deal- I reserve the right to ask as many questions whenever I want — and he answered them all again. It is like there is this seed of doubt just waiting to sprout and it scares me to think that something else might be out there. Now I know the affair is over and has been since last May. I know he and the OW have no contact at all. I know he is being honest with me. I know he loves me and will do anything that I need. I know that our marriage is stronger and has a gone to a deeper level- and I am so grateful and proud of that. I know that recovery takes time and is super HARD. I know that I am in a really good place right now. Why am I feeling like this? Is it a plateau of some sort? Is it me realizing that I am ready to move on to the next step, but not wanting to leave the comfort of the place I am now? There were no triggers that I can put my finger on, my husband has been super supportive and available for whatever I need or want, my therapist keeps telling me she is impressed with my progress, nothing happened to make me feel like this. I just have this overwhelming sense of fear again–I have told myself this entire recovery that I will not ignore any feeling that I have. I tried all day to put it out of my mind, but nothing has seemed to help. I know I just have to live through it, and I will, but has anyone else had this happen to them?

    • Jewels January 7, 2012, 2:57 AM

      Hello JB,

      There is JO, JB, and JD on this post – oh my!

      I will share what I am sensing from your email, but keep in mind I did not stay with my husband.

      There are always two recoveries, the marriage recovery and your personal recovery. It seems like the marriage recovery is going well, which is great, your husband and you have put in the work to rebuild trust, which is great.

      It is commom for women in this situation to contact me feeling bad because their husband has been wonderful in the recovery process, and they still don’t feel right. Your situation is little different because something happened and now you feel the need to revisit. So I will share two things with you. The first, you may of had a subconscious trigger, something reminded you or caused you to question something within your marriage recovery, and took you back. The trigger could of been something that you saw on TV, something that you read, or something that was said in casual conversation, but it is possible to have a subconscious trigger.

      The second thing is I know that you went to your husband with questions about the affair, but I also want you to look within, this might be an indicator of more work needed in your personal recovery journey. Ask yourself – what is your worst fear within the marriage? How solid is your confidence, are you grounded in that area, or is there more work needed? No need to have the answers to these questions, but just by asking, it might uncover something that will help your personal recovery.

      Lastly, you mentioned trying to get rid of these thoughts, anytime you try to put an emotion out of your mind, ironically it grows bigger because what you focus on grows, so in trying hard to put it out of your mind, your mind tries harder to keep that emotion there. So instead of trying to put it out of your mind, try to accept that emotion for what it is. Allow it, but do not give it any fuel by trying to ignore it or get rid of it. Take Care!!

  • tweety January 7, 2012, 8:59 AM

    Hi JB, Yes, I’m not a total crazy mess I’m trying to move slowly but move ahead. I still have my really bad moments and break down and have so much doubt. I don’t want to make the wrong decision and regret it. If I do decide to work on it I want him to know that it isn’t an easy decision and hopefully he realizes what it takes to get to that point. I keep talking to him and yes keep asking the same questions. Maybe hoping he would add something else I missed. I guess I’m looking for different answers, when there might not be. I don’t feel comfortable since she works at his company and lives down the street. I asked him to not talk, look, even associate with her and ignore her, she is not a friend and he really shouldn’t be cordial just because she works there. I asked him if he could do that…..he said he would. How will I know????? I don’t which is very hard to deal with. He asked if we should sell the house? But that only solves 1/2 the problem. In our talks we seem to talk more about our marriage and what was going on with each of us and perceptions then the affair. I guess you can only talk about that for so long and then it runs it’s course. I’m still undecided he is still not living here which is really helping me since there is no constant drama and reminders. I feel if he’s not here his life is not normal which is the same as mine. I know what you mean about the dating stage because there are things that we never talked about. We talked about everything but our feelings. It’s was like we just skimmed the top nothing deeper for years. He is in therapy by himself and I also I need more though and when I see her again I’ll tell her. I want him to figure his head out and why he did what he did first most of all. Then maybe but I can take all the time I need he said. Did anyone ever go over the years of marriage in your head when your thoughts go crazy and try to find or search for something or an event that maybe you can see a sign of some sort? I seem to wrack my brain going back and doing that. I know I won’t find the answer but it’s just what I’ve been doing. Well thank you ladies for all your help :) hugs

  • JB January 7, 2012, 9:18 PM

    Jewels, Thank you for responding. Today was much better. I just let the feelings stay there- up front and center. I didn’t dwell on them, but I didn’t ignore them or try to hold them back either. They just flowed through me- moments were uncomfortable, but not so emotional- if that makes any sense at all. I tend to try and over analyze things especially after the affair, so you may be right it could be something unconscious that is triggering all of these feelings of doubt. My husband is away on a hunting trip this weekend so it has given me some space to deal with this on my own. I spent the day with my youngest daughter and it was nice to just talk and spend time with her- my children are a true light in my life. It was great to just feel truly normal, laugh, and bask in her youth. Kids can bring out the best in you even when you don’t feel your best. Jewels, thank you for making me realize that others have asked you these same questions, that makes me feel so much better. It is that validation thing- thank you. I have been thinking about your question to me “what is my worst fear within my marriage?” Good question. I am going to write about that tonight in my journal. Should be intersting to see what come out- Thank You again for your continued support and perspective- you have been invaluable in my healing- I thank God everyday for you and the work you do. You truly have been a Godsend to all of us here. Peace and Blessings.

    Tweety- I am so glad that you are feeling better. As you can see there are moments of peace now, and they only get more frequent- just keep moving my friend. All the talking is good- it does bring a lot of reflection on the marriage as a whole. I know for us this process is what has brought about that deeper connection. We too have talked about ourselves, perspectives, wants, needs, etc, and we now can’t understand why it took so long for us to talk about these things. I wonder if it is because we married young, we spent years building careers, having children, living life- and not focusing on the marriage. Little did we know this was our the biggest mistake ever. I am not sure if I looked back over the marriage looking for signs, but I did look back over the marriage to help me decide if it was worth saving. When I started thinking and writing down all the events in our marriage, it made me realize that there were more amazing moments than tragic ones and it gave me the confidence that it was worth saving. I won’t say that was the only thing that helped me make the decision but it was one of them. I know for me it was a combination of things. My husbands actions and honesty, therapy for myself, an understanding that we both had work to do, and one of the biggest ones was that if we saved this marriage – it had to be a new beginning for us– and it has been. It also took a leap of faith- something that scared me to death, but I have always known that if I tried and it didn’t work out I have given it my best and my all — and would have no regrets (I have seen others say the same thing) Fortunately it has worked for us and we have found something even better than we could have imagined. It is still hard work, because on one hand we have made it past so much, but there are still things we have to deal with and the process continues. Somedays it is amazing and somedays I feel like I am falling backwards– the struggle is exhausting at times, but I still feel in my heart and soul that it is right. There is a sense of peace in my soul about the decision I made and I am glad for that. I believe that is what Jewels continues to stress– the decision for each of us is ours and we have to feel right in making it– I can tell you this- for me the initial shock was tough but I got through it — just a super raw hard emotional time. The decision to stay wasn’t easy, but once I made it that is when the really hard work started– not because it was so intense but because it is so constant. It is like having a second job– with lots of homework. It is always there, we do take breaks (like this weekend). We have to- it can be exhausting. Like many here have said – both decisions are hard, but you have to make one- staying in limbo will truly drive you crazy and can possibly damage your health- and no one wants to live in chaos. I am sure the work for those that have chosen to leave is similar- starting a new life with or without your husband is the hardest thing many of us have ever had to do. Just continue on- your answers will come. You will make it– just don’t ever give up yourself in the process. I am here for you- Hugs :)

  • Joan January 8, 2012, 9:31 AM

    Jewels,
    I am 62 years old and married to the same man for 42 years. I recently discovered my husband had an affair in 2003/2004. At that time, we were going through the worst time of our marriage — our oldest child, 28, was using drugs and living in hotels and on the the streets.

    During this time, my husband was working for the transportation safety administration (airport security screener). He was retired from a New York city job. He was 58 years old and having an affair with a 27 year old. She was also an airport security screener.

    This is how I found out…my husband’s primary care physician retired and notified his patients to come and pick up their records. We did. When we returned home my husband read through these records. When he was done I picked up the file. He said to me, “you don’t need to read that”. I said, “I’m curious as to how a doctor keeps records”. Believe me, I never expected to see anything I wasn’t aware of. Well, you could imagine my surprise when I came across a visit stating that he was there on Jan. 14, 2004 because of “unprotected sex” and may have had an STD. I almost had a heart attack. I put the folder down and immediately went to my bed. I was in shock. He came into the room and asked me why I wasn’t answering his question. I told him what I had read . This happened on Sept. 15, 2011. I am still sick over this. I have spoken to a therapist and she has helped. I will see her again next week.

    I keep telling myself that I am above this crap, and to make my own life happy. But my thoughts keep going back to the days that I worked so hard, missed and worried about my son immensely, was not sleeping nights, and arrived home from work to make dinner for a man who was out screwing a 27 year old in the back of her car (so he says). I said to my husband that while I was home rushing and making his dinner, he was screwing another woman. I told him I have no respect for him anymore. I question him constantly which he hates, but I don’t feel he is telling me everything. I have even gone as far as saying that he would watch me walk out the front door before he answers the questions I have. He says he was with her 5 or 6 times, got an infection, and stopped seeing her. But I know he worked with her up until 2006. Was it possible for him to stop seeing her while he was still working with her?

    My dilemma is this….how does a 62 year old woman (a young 62) who is retired get up and start a new life? Let me add, I also caught him cheating in 1987. That’s another story. Thought he was done with his infidelity only to have it happen again. A good friend of mine always said, “once a cheater, always a cheater”. She is so right.

    My message is this. If you find your husband has cheated on you, most likely he will do it again. Keep your wits about you. If something is questionable look into it. I was just too involved with problems in my life that I wasn’t expecting anything like this to happen. And my husband knew it and took advantage of it.
    I ask him how many women has he been with throughout our marrriage. I don’t get any answers.

    My husband retired from the screening job in 2006. I retired in 2008. I plan on going to the airport one day and finding this now 33 year old and giving her a piece of my mind. I told my husband this and he says I will be arrested. I said that I don’t care if I am arrested. Confronting her will be my closure. Him knowing that I confronted her will be my closure. And I assure you I am not stupid enough to be arrrested.

    So this is my retirement (something you wait for your whole life.) Had I known of this betrayal in 2004, I may have never retired and put myself in this situation. I know that I have to decide whether to stay or leave.

    • Jewels January 9, 2012, 1:18 AM

      JB - Thanks a million for your support of me and others, glad you are feeling better.

      Joan – I know you found this out in Sept 2011, and like most women, we are very good at fixing things, but this is not something we can just ‘fix’ and move on, betrayal in marriage is a nasty animal. And the way you found out sucks.

      I know you asked a question did he really end it when he said he did? And I will be honest with you, finding this out will not give you any peace, it only has the potential to keep the same emotions or make you angrier. Talking to the other women could give you closure, but be very very careful, I found out things in talking with the OW that I just couldn’t get over, it opened up a whole can of worms for me, so keep that in mind.

      I know your friend says once a cheater, always a cheater, I have a slightly different take (but very similar). I think there are some men that actually are remorseful. There are men that cheat and the next day tell there wives because they are so distraught, they go through counseling to figure out why and the marriage becomes stronger. But unfortunately that does not happen as often as it should. I do think that if you catch a man cheating twice, then it is extremely hard to recover from that, because if you stay, he could get in his mind that there is nothing that will happen to cause you to leave, not a good place to be in.

      62 – my gosh you are ripe for a new life? How do you start a new beginning? Easy, be thinking of how you want to live the rest of your life and executing on it. 60 is the new 40!!! How exciting it is that you are older, wiser, have experienced life, and now that you have a better understanding of life, it’s time to live. Take Care!

  • Death is more than welcome ... January 9, 2012, 12:18 AM

    I had recently found out that my husband of 9 years has been cheating on me with his co-worker. He said he stopped the affair the day I confronted him. I know in my heart that I have doubts. They work in different floors but the same building so of course they would still see each other. He said it was purely sexual. He said he didn’t have any feelings for this girl. How can he not have feelings for someone he had been flirting/sleeping with for 10 months??? Can a marriage counselor help us? He has admitted to the affair, admitted that whatever problem we had in the marriage was not an excuse for the affair. I think I need to see a psychiatrist. I have suicidal ideations at times. I know it would be stupid for me to go through with it. It will destroy our 3 kids, it would be like letting the other woman triumph. I have good days and bad days. Bad days would just come on unexpectedly. During those times, I feel like ending my life would be the only way to stop the pain. I still love my husband despite of what he has done to me. He’s never hurt me physically, not once but the emotional pain is unbearable. Help me to cope, please. Tell me what to do.

    • Jewels January 9, 2012, 1:34 AM

      Death is more than welcome,

      Yes you are right, it would hurt your family very much for them to even know you are thinking these thoughts. I will tell you that you are not alone, many women contact me in this state. So let me give you some insight from someone that has been there. If you found out recently, yes the pain is horrible, I never knew I could be in such pain, it was unreal. Being a wife was my security blanket, it was my comfort, it was my source of pride. So when your husband cheats, he takes away that security blanket, and you feel like you are out there in the world, naked. That is what the devastation stage feels like, that security blanket was removed and your body has the chills, it’s in shock. Notice I say stage, it is just a stage, a shock to your system, your body and mind will get back to a state that you can handle. And guess what, you have something to look forward to. Look forward to the fact that you will grow wiser and smarter from this experience. Look forward to knowing that yes this experience rocks you to the core, but in that devastation, you will discover things about yourself that are amazing that you never knew. Look forward to knowing that you will gain a strength from this, that you never knew you had. And the wonderful thing about all of this, is that no matter what happens, you will end up changing your kids life for the better through this experience. When life knocks them down (we all have those times) you will be able to relate to them when they get older in a way that many mothers can’t. Hold onto the thought that you will be stronger and wiser, and a not only a better mother, but a better person. I ended up doing alot of self-reflection through my personal recovery and found things out about myself that I would of never known had I not gone through this.

      I know you mentioned therapy – I strongly recommend that (for yourself – first priority, and your marriage). The worst thing therapy and/or counseling can do is help you. I consistently write to women saying what have you done for yourself lately? Going to personal therapy would be a move in doing something for yourself, you are going to need to do those type of things often in your recovery. I wish you better thoughts and less bad days.

  • tweety January 9, 2012, 8:59 AM

    Hi JB, Yes you are right I’m not a crazy lunatic that humming feeling that covers your body and ache in your whole inside is still there but not as strong. I’m not a crying mess every minute. I did have a panic attack this weekend and had to do something so I just went for a drive and just wanted to move….even if it was in a car. It helped and I tryed to figure out what made me have it…it was all my thoughts racing in a circle that got me to that point. I know it’s the process and My husband said I should of called him but I needed to do it myself. I also have the triggers since we have been talking and I know I asked but I needed to. I asked questions I didn’t want the answer but for some reason I asked and now I know and what to do with it is now what I’m dealing with. I explained to him that I don’t know yet what I’m going to do but I’m taking it day by day and like you said I will know. The more talks we have are less about the affair but more about us and what our worlds were like before and how we had no clue about each other and what we were going thru and trying to deal with it. He said when we were doing good the marriage was great but when it was bad it was really bad. I think the bad was alot worse then then we know. So if we work on it that is definitely what we need to figure out and not go there ever again. I am at the point is it worth it to put the amount of work it takes to make it work right now and just thinking of me and if I can do it, if I want to, and can I overcome and move forward and not keep rehashing the past enough to repair and let go and try and be happy. My fear is if I do that and then I’ve opened up my heart and it happens again or he just doesn’t think it’s enough. It’s a very hard decision. He is willing and wants to try whatever it takes. And I agree living in limbo is not good but I know I have to move forward with my decision. I want to be absolutely sure. I’m just glad that I came across this site so much! You and everyone else here have shown me we are much stronger than we think at times like this. In the beginning I never thought I’d be here today but I am and you told me that :) to Death is more than welcome: my husband also works with her on a different floor and she lives in my neighborhood which I avoid her block now….so I know how you feel about co workers. Like the ladies say just don’t do anything right now see a therapist and a Dr for maybe some meds and time, that’s what I did that helped me back then. HUGS :)

  • Ella January 10, 2012, 1:49 PM

    JB — I was re-reading your post from Jan 6 — and I have just gone through what you did. Meltdown 2 days ago after a trigger. Everything came coming back. My D day was last March — similar to yours — and YES — I do regress every once in awhile. My husband has been great through all of this too — transparency, says he is not that same person and never will be that type of person again – he’s ashamed and humiliated and tired of hurting others…….(so he says) — is it that we still don’t trust fully? Or that I don’t want to? Some days I question the respect I have for myself. How could I stay with someone who could do what he did? What’s wrong with me? Don’t I have enough self-respect? I think that is what I’m struggling with. Is he good enough for me???? And what am I willing to take? Yikes. And so it goes — he continues to try, and most of the time, it is great — but I’m wondering if I will ever get to the place where I feel safe — and maybe that’s the lesson — I should feel safe with me….and then I don’t have to worry about anyone else. Bad week this week. Coming up on when he started his lying and his A in a couple of weeks. So I think that is really weighing on me now. Need to keep busy and keep moving forward hopefully. JB — have your feelings changed since last week???? How did you cope/manage???

  • isthisreal January 10, 2012, 10:09 PM

    Found out Nov 15, 2011 that my H was having an affair with a co-worker. I had to go out of town for work that night and he slept with her and stayed there until 5am leaving our 17 year old son home alone. We have been together since high school, had a child together at 18 and have stayed together since. He says he did it because it made him feel good, that he was unhappy. She loved him and asked him to leave me but he refused. Why couldn’t he just tell me he was unhappy? I knew she was into him but never suspected he would cheat on me. He even invited her to a birthday party I threw for him. Gross. I only found out because I caught him texting her at 1am on sat night so I asked and he told me. He has broken it off but still sees her every day at work. He says he will get a new job but isn’t even trying. I am still processing, not sure what to do, he’s been my life for 18.5 yrs.

  • isthisreal January 11, 2012, 11:17 AM

    PS it feels like old times when we’re together but when I’m away (which I am right now) I feel like crap and break down all over again. How could he do this with a woman that knew he was married? He says that he thougt I didn’t love hin but the reality is that I told him before he cheated on me that something was wrong, that he wa distant, didn’t want me any more. Of course I was angry, he started pulling away during their 6 month lead up to sleeping together and its my fault necause I sensed he was no longer fully committed and it affected me? What an ass…

  • tweety January 11, 2012, 1:33 PM

    JB, I have a question……when you were trying to figure out if you should stay in your marriage or not…..did people say things to make you think back and forth, like don’t listen, he’s lying, he’ll do it again. Even though your husband was trying to do all the right things to make it better and try to work it out? I think that I think sooooo much of what others are going to think that I start to waiver and wonder if that’s the right decision. I am still confused and we are still talking but I feel I want to work it out but those thoughts keep popping up. I know it takes time but I don’t want to look or feel like a fool. I hope this makes sense. ISTHISREAL: I’m the same my husband still works with her she is married and I can’t figure anything out….I guess just pure selfishness on both their parts….It had nothing to do with US at all. But we get all the pain !!!!!! Hang in there :) and listen to the wonderful ladies on here….. I do THANK YOU HUGS

  • Laurel January 11, 2012, 4:05 PM

    Hello JB,

    I first learned of my husband’s affair 5 years ago – we have been married 11 years. I confronted them both, stomped up and down and insisted that it stop. I ignored my suspicion that it was continuing and in April 2011, the other woman’s husband contacted me to say that he had just learned of the affair that was very much still going on.

    At that point I had a decision to make. After a useful meeting with a divorce attorney and a financial planner, both inferred that I was in a weak position financially to make a split with my two children. I stayed with my husband, but have changed careers to something much more lucrative, and have begun a strategic plan for my finances.

    When my husbands affair resurfaces, and I am 100% certain it will, I will be in a much better position – not driven by fear – to end it and not look back. I guess I could end it sooner, but am not ready.

    The challenge is that I have zero trust and respect for him. It’s hard to be in a “relationship” with someone within that framework and I am harboring anger and resentment to the point of distraction. Even if it is a means to an end, it doesn’t feel good.

  • JB January 11, 2012, 10:20 PM

    Hi Ladies glad to see everyone is ok and still moving forward-
    Tweety-
    Yes I had those thoughts when I was making the decision to stay and work it out, but what it really comes down to is the two of you. What others think doesn’t really matter- it is YOUR marriage and YOUR life. I did have those thoughts- but I think that is just being human. We want so badly to be accepted and do the right thing– Well, this is different. This is between the two of you. One thing that I have done is not tell a lot of people-only a few really close friends. I haven’t told the people that I am with everyday at work or the people I see socially. I think you can get too much advice, and many people while they mean well and want to tell you what they would do- they really don’t know unless they have been there and have had to live through this- so while their friendships are precious to me as a woman- they really would only be making things more complicated for me. One thing I can tell you is that your decision to try doesn’t mean that you are staying in the marriage- all you are telling him is that you will try. When I first decided to try and work it out, I didn’t promise my husband anything- I couldn’t tell him if it would work out or not- all I could tell him was that I was willing to try and save the marriage. I gave him the chance to show me that he was truly serious about getting help and working on himself first and foremost and then our marriage. I knew that I could never stay with him if he didn’t figure out for himself what was going on and why he made such poor decisions. Of course that process is still evloving and he continues to find out new things all the time about himself. In time, I knew we were on the right track and I began to forgive and began trusting again. Things fall into place in a way that you know it is right. I believe that because we have gone through such hell in finding out and have suffered so much, when the “real work” to save the marriage begins you just know — you feel it — and for the first time since the discovery- you begin to feel good again about your life with him and begin to see the marriage you always wanted with him- or at least something better than you had before. That is what it was like for me. What is different now in our marriage is that we have a foundation that we are building upon that is based on honesty and truth. We talk –really talk– about everything. It was strange at first because I have been with my husband for 30 years, I couldn’t imagine that there were things I didn’t know about him- but there were- not life changing things, but intimate little things that we had just never shared- who knows why, but through all this we have discovered that the communication breakdown between us was a BIG factor in him having the affair. I now know in my soul, that if we had been talking like we do now- the affair would have never happened. Right now my advice to you is to continue talking, continue healing, continue putting YOURSELF first. Let him start getting the help he needs and start finding out all those things that put him in the state of mind to betray you and the marriage. Let him show you he really wants to work it out- HE HAS TO DO THIS– you can’t fix him – only he can do that. As that happens, you will know – I promise- one way or another if it is going to work out. As you now know, life becomes clearer- you are stronger and you are capable of making decisions – but don’t be hasty- just like the part of the recovery you have just experienced the only way to truly get through it is to live it and let it happen. I am glad that you are leaning towards working on the marriage. I always told myself and still do – that I will never regret anything that I have done in this recovery and if the marriage doesn’t workout –well, I have done all I could do and am proud of myself for giving it the best that I have. That is really all any of us can do. Stay strong my friend, this next phase is still hard just not as intense emotionally (or at least constant intensity) To make it work– be completely honest with him at all times- even if you think he won’t like what you have to say or ask- you HAVE to say it- get it out- get it on the table so it no longer weighs you down. Also, let him be there for you in the ways you feel comfortable- don’t force it – just let it happen. You know your comfort level- if you need him to hug you – let him- you are not giving him anything- you are healing yourself. You should be proud of your progress — you are making through this- and see you are so much stronger than you ever thought — and you are right on about the selfishness – this really wasn’t about US as wives or lovers- it was them being selfish, self-absorbed, and disrespectful – and that is what they have to fix. Be the strong confident woman that you are and if he is wise enough he will fight for you-and a life with you as his wife- YOU ARE SO WORTH IT!! Hope this helps you on your journey– stay strong my friend– I’m here- Hugs

  • Camz aka Death is more than welcome but please not today ... January 11, 2012, 11:17 PM

    This site surely helps, the support system is different vs. sharing with other people who has not been in our shoes. My husband & mom tell me to just move on. I know, I try. It’s easy for him to say because he has not felt pain this bad. But as I’ve told my hubby, I have this triggers which takes me back to that awful night a lil over 2 months ago 10/26. Who wants to cry for hours & hours on end? And geez, that was only a couple of months ago, leave me alone. So now when he senses that I’m looking down, he sits/lays next to me and holds me tight. I try to look for the positives, @ least my kids are healthy, now we’re more open to each other (we thought we know everything about each other but I guess not if he was able to hide his indiscretion), I am paying more attention to him. During good days, I actually love him more than ever cause of the realization that I can lose him just like that. After 9 years, I had started to take him for granted. During bad days, I want to give him a black eye. I don’t know if this can help anybody but I noticed that triggers are triggered by me being alone & all this ugly thoughts arise, so I tried music, played out loud. And I mean loud enough to drown the demons. So here I am, 38 years old, singing along to Drake’s Headlines … they know, they know, they know, they know.

  • JB January 11, 2012, 11:28 PM

    Ella,
    I made it through last week and am having a great week this week-thanks for asking. It sounds like our recoveries are so much alike. As you know from your marriage, that this new found communication and honesty can really bring you to a whole new level in marriage. It is mostly wonderful- but like anything it can’t always be fantasitc- that is not realistic at all. I want to live a life with him- not a fantasy. Sure there are times I ask myself some of those same questions, but usually I ask myself “Does he deserve me?” Maybe because I am so proud of myself for the way I have handled myself during this period in my life, maybe because that is something that I had put on the back burner for many years, or maybe because I finally see that I have to demand to be first in his life. I don’t worry about being a fool for staying or worry about the “what if’s”–I had to move past all that. I stayed because it was right for me and for us- he is the man I am supposed to be married to(even with all his faults)- I love him and he loves me(even with all my faults). It is a partnership of 30 years together and 25 years of marriage. I love the life we have built together, and I look forward to what comes next for us. I am proud we are working it out- while I didn’t wish for an affair or ever imagine that I would live through this- I realize that without the affair I wouldn’t be who I am and our marriage wouldn’t be where it is now–we would have gone on forever like it was-and while it was fine it wasn’t all it could be- and now that I know that I would never go back even if I could. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring- no one does. I look forward with excitement most days and the days when I am down or have some sort of uneasiness or questions I work through it by talking to him,writing in my journal, posting here to get advice from others, going to yoga, or talking to my therapist- I use all the tools in the toolbox until I find one that works. I look at this journey as a part of my life that is making me the woman that I really want to be– if somewhere down the road things go askew in my marriage- then I will deal with it then, but for now I don’t dwell on that at all– The affair was a turning point and a wake up call for both me and my husband –it doesn’t define me, him, or our marriage. I just keep moving forward and continue to grow and learn along the way. All of you here are part of that journey and I am forever grateful for that–Jewels did an amazing thing when she started this forum. It truly empowers women– and that is the best lesson of them all- we are worthy of the best life we can imagine for ourselves and only we can make that happen. Stay focused on the beautiful things you have discovered together in your marriage and more importantly in yourself- breathe a sigh of relief that the worst part is over for you, and continue to learn from all the lessons along the way- be strong and focused on what you want now- not on the past. I will be thinking about you as you embark on these next few months and all the triggers test your strength. Stay strong my friend- Peace and Blessings

  • isthisreal January 11, 2012, 11:43 PM

    Sitting in my hotel room talking to my H on the phone. Trying to act like everything is normal when our life together is in turmoil. I miss him so much, it’s eating me up inside. Even when we’re together I miss him. For the past 18.5 years he has been my best friend. I have no interests outside of the things we do together and I gave up everything for him because he has extreme jealousy issues. And he’s the one that cheated. That part hurts the most. I feel like he used me to build him up and then found someone he believes is better. He says that’s not true, that he doesn’t love her, he was thinking of me when they had sex, etc… but he certainly told her he loved her.
    Reading the personal stories on the site confirms that the feelings I have are common to wives whose husbands have cheated and that is comforting. But the stories about men who have emotional affairs are very scary because they typically keep the affair going or leave for the other woman. That is not comforting in terms of trying to work on the marriage.

  • JB January 11, 2012, 11:46 PM

    Laurel from California, I am so sorry that you are having to relive your husbands affair all over again. I can’t imagine. I agree with you 100 percent you can’t live a life with someone that fills you with anger, resentment, and distrust. That is no way to live and you deserve so much more. You have found the right place to heal. The women here are great source of support in any decision that you make. Jewels is an increidible woman-rely on her she had been right where you are–and knows where you are going. Good luck on your journey- stay strong- Peace and Blessings

  • JB January 12, 2012, 12:36 AM

    Isthisreal- you are right the feelings you have are SO NORMAL. You have to do something for YOU!! Like many of us here you put all yourself into the marriage only to be betrayed. Well, now you have to put all of yourself into YOU. I promise it helps and is the only way to recover from an affair. I too had forgotten how to put myself first, but when this happened I stopped focusing on him and started focusing on me. Your pain is real and you have to heal from it- you have to give it the attention it deserves. Do something for yourself – if you allow it this process will teach you more about yourself than you ever imagined possible. The marriage will only work out if both of you are willing to put the work – and I mean LOTS of work – there is nothing easy about staying. First, you have to be good with you. You are right you didn’t deserve this and he should have told you he was unhappy, but that is what most men do- they suck at communicating. Hopefully your husband will get the help he needs- and he does need it- he has to find out what made him so unhappy and insecure that he was willing to risk loosing you and his family over sex and a fantasy relationship. You also should see someone if you can to help guide you through dealing with all the stress, anger, and the emotional roller coaster you are riding right now- it helps to just hear someone put some perspective on it all. If your husband is worthy of you, he will do the work that has to be done to keep you- if not- then you know that a better life is out there waiting for you. I pray your husband is willing to do the work and move forward with you – I know it is hard, but you will live through this either way. Stay focused on YOU. Peace and Blessings

  • tweety January 12, 2012, 6:40 AM

    Hi JB, Yes, yesterday was a good example of other people, we had planned on talking at dinner and in the afternoon got wind of some people assuming he was moving back and all was honky dory, well I got scared and didn’t want people to think I caved sort of say and he worked his words into convincing me to move in. So I cancelled the dinner. He struggled with his old self and that would be to just say f*** it and not call or text me back. Well he didn’t he liked the progress we were making and we are just talking nothing else. So he texted me his thoughts and left it up to me. And I said he was right and we went and it wasn’t so bad. But yes, other people should just keep their opinions to themselves and gossiping too. That was a hugh step for him. I see everyday he’s really trying. Each time we talk we really don’t talk about the affair as much but it still comes up but we do talk about our marriage and what we were both thinking all these years that eventually led to that. He had no clue what I was going thru and he said that even If I tryed to explain it he still might of not listened since he was in a different place. He is leary on our future and that’s because we were stuck in our own worlds for so long that we wonder if we can change enough. All I tell him is what I want in a marriage and he wants the same. So I think a marriage counselor is in the future to get to the right spot to help us. But I also know now that the affair wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, I was thinking she had this magical power over him and all this amazing talks and time and attention was given to her. And he said it wasn’t at all like that. He said looking back now it really wasn’t worth it and stupid and he got caught up in the energy of it all, and if he knew then what he knows now it wouldn’t of happened, but then my marriage would of stayed the same and we probably would of been miserable living separate lives together. So in one way its good but in another its bad. I know in my heart that if we try it will be a different man if he is really trying and I will be totally different and gives me some hope to find out. But we are taking it day by day. Also like you said he is finding out more about himself everyday and thats positive. I’m just so happy I have you and all the other ladies that are and have been thru this to tell me that things are going as normal as they can be and my feelings are normal. Not many sites are like this one. Thank you JB and everyone HUGS

  • LisaP January 12, 2012, 8:22 AM

    others opinions…..I have two girlfriends that I have knonw since elementy school who have stood by me, well one has. One thru the last 4yrs has become distant as her opinon is, to leave him and make remarks about him. The other as never once judged me or commented on my actions. She said this is your life I am not living it you are. She is a little upset that our other friend has become snotty about my problem because in the beging she wasn’t! She use to be understanding and just give me info and her thoughts without judgement so now I don’t even talk to her about it anymore. Everyone has their ideas about how they would handle our situation but until they are in it they will never know! So what I am saying is make your own decision that it what counts!!

  • Ella January 12, 2012, 9:34 AM

    JB — your reponse is inspirational to me. I am trying (today) — other days I think he is not worthy of me to do what he did and I question my own self-respect — how could I stay with someone who obviously didn’t care about our relationship — but then I do see him really working at it and making progress. I must say that the time we have together is better than it was before. He said he is sometimes confused on how he should act — as if we are dating or if we are an “old married couple” – – my comeback was “the old married couple” obviously didn’t work. He knew the answer. I don’t want that level of comfort or taking someone for granted — that got us into trouble. LisaP – I have a friend from elementary school too – -she is the ONLY person I told — she was in shock — but has been a good sounding board as well. It’s just so embarrassing even telling the story. I really don’t know anyone else going through something like this – -so it makes this site such a blessing…. Everyone here is so supportive and offers great insight so that we know we aren’t crazy. It feels that way at times — I just want my own sense of self to grow from this. Maybe that is the ultimate lesson/benefit from this — that I will be a better and stronger person. And hopefully so will my husband. But that is up to him. I’m concentrating on me in 2012.

  • Jules January 12, 2012, 2:50 PM

    I envy those of you that stayed and have a husband making an effort. I stayed and let my husband move back in because he said he wanted so work on us. Here it is 6 months later and we have gone backwards and me, I am just frozen in that lethal plain of flatness. I have lost all ability to even try to talk to him, he has moved back to the chair, sleeping upright. Although he tells me it is because laying down he chokes… He said we would begin Couples Therapy but refuses to state a date. When I ask him, he just does not answer. Yet he refuses to leave.

    So what next? I am working with a coach/individual therapist and they told me to write my husband if I could not talk to him verbally. I did, he thanked me for the letter and that was it, end of discussion. Oh let us now forget how he spent 20 minutes the next morning blaming me and bringing up things he said I did to him… Yep, back to the blame game. I am pretty numb and just want this over with one way or another.

    So my coach today said to approach my husband acknowledging what he is saying I did wrong in our marriage. So here I go again trying…

    He is off today and at home and I see him and all I want to do really is drop kick him, but I won’t. I am not angry as much as I am bored with him and his lack of helping move forward. I have been very patient, it is just about 8 months since discovery. I do have more good, happy days than the ones like today.

    I am focusing on me and working with a therapist (he is too but only twice a month and I found his paperwork and he put the reason as to choose between his wife and girlfriend). The married girlfriend is out of the picture, she will not talk to him as he has made no effort to move forward there either. I am also starting back to College on the 2q3rd of this month and trying to get caught up with our business and paperwork since I let it all slide after I found out about this affair.

  • Laurel January 12, 2012, 6:48 PM

    JB, thank you for your kind words. I don’t know exactly how I stumbed upon this site, but “listening” to the stories of so many other women has been enormously helpful. I am comforted in knowing that there are some wonderful, grown up women out there with the same issues. It helps to not be alone. A hug to all.

  • Tina January 12, 2012, 9:36 PM

    I’ve been reading everyones post and just wondering if maybe the reason I can’t let go of the anger is the fear of him doing it again. My bad days are fewer but it doesn’t take much to trigger them he was asleep last night as I watched him I wanted to put a pillow over his face( I would never do that) I just laid there and cried like a baby.the OW tells me I am weak n I can’t make my husband happy so I pointed out to her that a real secure woman would not have to try n steal another womens husband! I never call her by her name I always call her the whore it really pisses her off! But I feel at this point I will not have any contact w her! Just taking one day at a time hoping someday I will be able to trust my husband again if that’s possible but most of all letting go of all this anger I just haven’t figured out how to let go! I am seeing a therapist and I’m also on meds so that helps too. I just wish my husband truely understood the depth of my pain this is by far the worst pain I’ve had. I love reading the stories on here its nice to know my husband is not the only idiot out there!

    • Jewels January 13, 2012, 12:20 AM

      Hello Ladies!

      I just wanted to make a few comments….

      Jules – continue to go to college and do things for you. I know you ware working with a therapist, which is great. Just keep in mind that your husband has his own mind, and you can not control his reaction. I literally got sick from a health standpoint because I would try this and that to get him to react the way I wanted him to, I was trying to pull emotions out of him, and i would get depressed when it didn’t work. So keep trying, but try not to depend on his response, because he just might disappoint you, again.

      Ella – Your last post was SPOT-ON – you are progressing in your journey. A KEY factor in your personal recovery is to build your self-confidence up to the point where you do not depend on your husband’s reaction. This is good whether you stay or leave your marriage. It is my believe that we are suppose to live out lives being our own foundation of strength, and everyone and everything compliments it. But we lose our way, we become attached to the idea of marriage or to our job, to our husbands, and so when that boat is rocked, is devastates us. You will feel better and recovery once you learn to get your self-respect from yourself. You still have a ways to go. For instance, I did not stay with my husband, but if I did stay, what I would tell myself is “I am staying and giving my husband a second chance. If he decides to continue his behavior I will leave. But in staying, I can confidently stay that I gave our marriage a fighting chance, and that I can leave and not wonder ‘what if’. You see how that is different from you feeling that you are less than because you stay? It’s all a matter of perspective. You are working towards it, and you are so on the right track, keep asking those questions!

      Tweety - Keep working on the marriage! You said that your husband is learning more about himself everyday – that is a such a positive sign. One key trait in those that I have interacted with that have stayed together is that the husband did alot of work on himself to discover why and to learn more about why he does what he does. By default in him doing that and sharing with you, you will discover things about yourself as well. This is why many women who have husbands like this say that they find out things about each other that they never knew, and they are closer because of it. So if your husband is putting in work and effort and learning more about himself, consider yourself lucky. Most men do not do this after the affair. That is why some of your family/friends will make comments like ‘he’ll do it again’ and ‘leave’. They do not know your entire situation so do not listen to them, listen to how you feel, and I can tell you feel like working it out, so go for it!!

      isthisreal – I gave up everything I liked because my husband wanted me to be home, and I thought I was doing my wifely duties, then he cheating and I felt like I had nothing. Promise yourself what I promised myself – whether you stay or not, never give up doing the things that put a smile on your face. I now do those things I like, and I am so much happier.

      Death is more than welcome – Yes – 2 months is nothing – people just do not understand, finding out your husband had an affair is a traumatic experience – and those experiences just don’t go away. You mentioned when you are alone your thoughts get really bad. I am not going to encourage you to spend time by yourself (keep listening to that Drake son headlines, I feel so confident listening to that song you need that lol). But seriously at one point in the future I want you to dig more. Sometimes and affair confirms false believes (I am not good enough, I am not pretty enough), it is false – meaning him cheating does not confirm anything about you, it confirms about him. A year from now I want you to say you like being alone. I love being alone, now. Was not always there, but not I enjoy it. Take Care!

      Laurel - You seem like you have a plan in place, leave at your own pace. I knew I was leaving months before I left, I just wasn’t ready. I took time to research divorce and kids so I can handle it well, i took time to focus on handling what people would say, but what I did was during the time, I started to focus more on myself because I knew I was leaving, so when I actually left, I had enough confidence to leave. Good luck on your journey!

    • Jewels January 13, 2012, 12:25 AM

      Hello Tina,

      I missed you in my long post. Anger is so mulch-dimensional when it comes to affairs. You could be angry because you are mad he put you in this position, mad that you have to deal with this, mad that he is not putting forth the effort you thought he was going to put in, mad that you are in so much pain, mad that he is not hurting as much as you. Ah…it’s so deep. But do the work to find out why, and it first starts with questioning it, so you are headed in the right direction. Keep asking why, and think about what angers you most. The sad part is, most of what we are angry about this we can not change. I was angry for a while that he was not angry and as depressed as i was, it made me insanely mad that he walked around like nothing happened (even the night i found out, he went to sleep like a baby – really!!). But I had to let that go, the anger was eating me alive, it took at while but I had to let it go…

  • Joan January 13, 2012, 6:50 PM

    Dear Jewels,

    You answered my post on Jan. 9th and I want to thank you so very much for doing so. I know you are very busy and I just wanted to commend you on your work with so many of these young women who have been devastated. As for me,
    I am giving myself time to make a decision. I know the answer will come. I told my husband I don’t have to leave at this time. I can leave in a week, a month, or a year…when I am ready!!!! Thanks again!

    • Jewels January 14, 2012, 3:52 PM

      Hello Joan,

      Thank you for your kind message. You are doing the right thing. Many women want the pain and decision to come right away, and in wanting it so bad, they prolong their own journey, so those words are priceless, “I know the answer will come” and it will. Take Care!

  • JB January 14, 2012, 6:56 AM

    Tweety- I read your post the other day, but just now had time to respond. I am so excited for you- the reason being is that you are about to discover this amazing strength that you have- it is like this new found womanly confidence. The intense pain is going and the clouds are clearing a little more, you have made it through some tough things already, and he seems to be working on his part. For me and my husband it was so similar. It was at this point that I found myself- or at least the confidence to search for me- and by that I mean – it was when I realized that I was willing to put forth everything I had to make myself the best I could be. I looked beside me and he was willing to do the same, and so our journeys began both searching as individuals for answers had brought up conversations that in the end were actually bringing our marriage back into focus. We too did not talk about the affair as much, but began to talk about us- see I told you the things you just assumed about each other really weren’t the truth. I know isn’t it strange that we have been married to these men all these years and simple conversations (they seem simple now because we are having them) could open up so much for the marriage and our feeling towards one another. I know this is the time in our recovery when we began to truly foster a deep respect for each other – not admiration- true respect as a human being (see that deep stuff again) We grew up- I know at almost 50 it is about time, but we really did. Now, don’t get me wrong- things are still not perfect and probably never will be – but they never were- that is part of that fantasy that happiness is a bliss kind of thing. I don’t want bliss – I just want that connection with him that makes sharing our life together rewarding for both of us- in all areas. I want the mature better us to emerge from all this chaos– and it has- but it takes so much effort — be ready to search deep and talk about things you NEVER thought you would- but the way I look at it- we will always be connected to these men no matter what happens. I would rather have this amazing openness with him and have a comfort level with him that no matter what I say or feel- I know he is willing to hear me and really accept it as part of who I am. The good, the bad and the ugly. In the end it is all about being willing to put yourself out there in such a way that you really see each other and for us it was truly the first time in all these years that this has happened. That part my friend feels great. There will still be things that bother you and from time to time you will still feel sick at your stomach and anxious about things, but now at least you will offer it up to him and know he really hears you and he is not just pacifing you to make you stop– You will slowly let him back in if it is to be– I promise. If you do, the physical relationship will return also– Well, and that my friend is eye opening as well- but that is a completely different conversation :) Trust yourself– you are finding yourself and doesn’t it feel good? Thinking about you both and so glad you are working on the important stuff– YOU- Peace and Blessings my friend.

  • Ann January 14, 2012, 6:05 PM

    My husband cheated on me with several women 6 years ago. Sometimes to this day I still wonder why I stayed. I asked for all the details and sometimes I wish I didn’t no. There were 3 women that I know of and they were all from his work. I didn’t know this was going on and I was totally blindsided by all of this. The 3rd women outed him to me and he was forced to tell me about the other 2 because my husband thought she would. There was a pregnancy that was a part of this, but she had an abortion. She was married too! I miss the trust that I had and the feeling that he loved only me. My husband has been remorseful and he is trying really hard to make things right, but lately no matter what he does, I look at him with disgust! Not sure what to do with these feelings I am having.. I have been keeping this to myself, kinda the fake it till you make it! Any suggestions?

  • JB January 15, 2012, 11:56 AM

    Ann from USA, welcome to the site- you will get support from some amazing women here- they have helped me so much. From your post you said you are keeping this all to yourself. You have to get this out— you have to talk about this. I just had a big lesson in this myself- and Jewels made me realize that you have to let these emotions and feelings out. You have to–they won’t go away. They just stay there and build up more and more in your head. You can make yourself sick if you aren’t careful. Don’t ignore them anymore. Talk to your husband if you can about how you are feeling. Affairs have no statute of limitations. I have not been in recovery as long as you, but have already learned that questions, feelings, and even emotional breakdowns can occur years into recovery- they are just not as frequent the further into recovery you are. You had a lot to deal with 3 women, a pregnancy, women outing your husband to you– WOW– Did you seek therapy six years ago? Did you have a support system to help you through the initial shock and discovery? I know for me therapy has helped me tons, I also have several things I do when I these feelings or questions start popping into my head again. I walk the dog with my iPod- just getting out of the house- clearing my mind- getting some exercise-listening to music- and spending some quality time with just ME–helps. I also do yoga several times a week to relieve stress and have ME time. This site is a huge help for me- the women here are always so supportive- I am so grateful to them. I see a therapist– she is amazing at helping me see things in new ways- she has really helped me sort out my emotions and made me really heal myself properly. None of these may be your answer, but whatever works for you- you must do it. The main thing is that you can’t keep it inside- you must deal with it. Something has triggered your sudden feelings towards your husband- even after six years. Jewels pointed out to me it doesn’t even have to be something tangible- it can be something subconscious or something that you haven’t properly dealt with before- so you may never even know what causes this to happen, but to keep yourself stable you have to release the emotions so you can deal with them. It works I promise. Have you done anything for yourself lately? Go do something just for Ann. It will put you in a good frame of mind, so you can deal with your feelings. I know these things have worked for me and others here–I call them my tools- everytime I start feeling like I am going backwards instead of moving forwards I pull out the tools and keep trying each one until I find one that works. My husband also has done everything he can for me,our marriage, and himself. During this process, we found a new level of honesty in our relationship- we try to leave nothing unsaid- it has been essential in me rebuilding trust in him and has given me inner peace- that everything is out on the table– the things we left unsaid and bottled up before — almost destroyed us- so for me I have to process everything with him. Use whatever tools you may have used in the past when dealing with the emotions of the affairs. Hope this helps- I will be thinking about you as you work through this – Peace and Blessings

  • tweety January 16, 2012, 6:59 AM

    Hi JB, Yes, all you said is true. I feel like the fog has thinned out and I see a little clearer and I see things different. The A still is there in my mind and yes it has happened and yes I can’t change that. We are still talking and I don’t want to rush anything, I think sometimes that it has only been since Dec 9th that I found out and think shouldn’t I be still so upset and angered by what he did. But for some reason even my therapist said she said I was very calm and making more sense than most people this happened to. I told her that I realized that I chose to just think of ME and what can I do so that I didn’t keep torturing myself to the point of craziness. I can’t change the past, but I can control only ME and I chose to think and think and more thinking. I ask him calmly about anything about the affair and control my outbursts, and try to really hear him and his answers, process the answers, I choose to take answers and deal with them. Then I move on, it isn’t helping me to keep going over all of it, cuz it doesn’t help ME to rehash it over and over and over. It’s making me sick all over. But I know some of the questions still come up and he answers them. I just hope that I’m not rushing myself I just keep saying everyone is different. He is trying and he reads and re-reads all I send him. I sent him a article yesterday because I was confused how he didn’t have triggers or thinks of her at certain times or comparing us. This article said explained it just as he did, and seeing in writing from someone else made sense to me. So I can at least not obsess over details that I thought he was thinking of. I tired of thinking of her and don’t want to or her have power over my life or brain or feelings. He really liked an article I sent that suggested a talking stick that whoever had the stick had the turn to talk and the other not to interrupt and just LISTEN. I’m looking for a special item to keep in my purse, car, house and his car so in the future when we are together we can use that if we need. That was a big problem in the past just stop and listen to what each other was saying. We are so still at baby steps and he is still not living at home which really is helping him reflect and see what he wants and can he really commit, and I also. But yes, it’s not easy everyday and we know that but this is a huge step for us and that’s all I want now is a sign he is willing and trying. There are so many negative people out there and I try and stay away from them and say this is my choice my life and whatever I choose I have to live with and deal with it not you. I appreciate your concern just support me either way not judge me. I still think it’s so sad that this had to happen for our eyes to open up and really see just how bad our marriage had become, what a wake up call it was. I’m going to do something today to make ME HAPPY and not worry about anything else :) thank you for all your support and everyone else for sharing your stories of hope and I think of all of you often HUGS :)

  • feelbetrayed January 16, 2012, 1:01 PM

    Hello all,

    I just found out that my husband of 7 years, we’ve been together going on 10 years. Messed around with a friend of ours early friday morning. This female was a friend of both of ours, who at one point lived with us for about 8 months. This woman claims to be a lesbian, but has bisexual tendencies.

    On Thursday evening, we all went out to dinner and she had some drinks. My husband and I did not drink, because I am pregnant, and he had to work the next day. Well because she was drinking we wouldn’t let her drive home, and were planning on taking her to her house, but she said she wanted to come over to our house to watch a movie and would have someone take her home in the morning.

    We all stayed up watching tv, until right about 1 am friday morning, I decided I needed to go to bed. My husband stayed out in the living room(which I never thought anything about). He finally came to bed about 2am.

    I woke up the next morning, and this woman seemed fine, she didn’t act strange at all, I even drove her to pick up her car and she seemed fine.. That evening when my husband got home from work, within 5 minutes, he asked me to sit down next to him. He started crying and told me he had made the biggest mistake in his life last night, that he had messed around with her on our couch, while I was asleep in the other room. He swears that all it was was him touching her, and her giving him a handjob. He says that they were watching tv, and she layed her head in his lap(which she has done plenty of times- even in front of me) so he didn’t think anything of it. He said that then she started to rub his leg, and before he knew it she had unzipped his pants and started messing with him. He said that he didn’t stop to think about anything other than the fact that it felt good at the time. He said that she was messing around with herself as well, so he rubbed her a little bit, but he didn’t finger her. He said that he didn’t stop to think about the fact that it wasn’t me doing this to him, just that it felt good and he said he wasn’t thinking clearly. He said the moment after he was done, he stopped immediatly with the realization, OMG what the hell did I just do? He said he didn’t sleep at all when he came to bed, and was miserable all day at work the next day, crying, throwing up, and upset. He told me that evening about it when he got home.

    I yelled/cried/yelled some more, I left for a few hours to go to my sisters house… but eventually came back home. I have to give him credit for coming to me and telling me it happened, because he could have probably gotten away with it. THis woman claims that she was so drunk she doesn’t remember it, which is crap because when i went to bed not even 30 minutes before it happened.. she wasn’t drunk. He has severed all ties with this woman.

    He keeps asking me not to leave him, that he made a mistake and that he will never do it again… that he feels miserable for hurting me, and that he will do whatever he can to make it up to me.

    I just feel so betrayed. I can’t wrap my head around how he could do something like that, and that I didn’t even come to his thoughts when this was happening, and I was in the next room. There is no way in hell that I would be able to mess around with someone and not stop to at least think about him first. He claims it is different for men, that when they start to feel the pleasure, it is kind of like their mind shuts off… and they don’t think. He does say that he immediatly realized that he messed up the moment it stopped.

    I want to get past this, I want to move forward, because I can’t see throwing away 10 years on one mistake. But I am having trouble trusting him. He says that he has never done this before Friday, and that he will never do it again, as he has been miserable with guilt for hurting me and has seen first hand that he could lose me if he ever were to do it again. I believe that he is truely sorry, but I just have this fear that it will happen again. He says it won’t but its still in the back of my mind. I have trouble going into the living room in my house without thinking about it. I have a hard time sitting on my couch- where the incident took place. He says he knows that it will take me some time to trust him again, if I ever can, but he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life, and he is so sorry that this one mistake could cost him that.

    I am trying to look at the positives here- they didn’t have sexual intercourse, it was just some touching(although it still hurts), he told me about it same day vs. years later. I honestly feel that he is truely remorseful in his actions, and that he will try to fix this.

    I love him so much, which is what makes this difficult. I am pregnant with his baby, which also makes this hard. I don’t want to throw away 10 happy years, on one mistake, I just feel like It is going to be very hard for me to get over this. It has only been three days since the event, and I know it will take time, but every day if feels like the same thing… I wake up in the morning thinking about it, I cry for a couple of hours, he and I spend time together(we spent the entire weekend together- which isn’t normally the case- normally we’ll watch some tv, he’ll go play some online game, but we seriously spent all weekend together)- just talking, at the end of the evening I go to sleep, sometimes thinking about it, othertimes not, and then repeat the process in the morning. Will this get any easier? I don’t want to feel like this everyday for the rest of my life.

    Thank you to all who reads this post, and I am greatly appreciative of any opinions, or personal stories that are similar to mine, and how did you overcome it?

    • Jewels January 16, 2012, 10:48 PM

      feelbetrayed,

      I am going to share my opinion with you, I hope it gives you some perspective or things to think about. Next time a friends says ‘I don’t want to go home, I want to go to your house at 2am – take her home!! Of course your husband has to take responsibility for his actions, BUT in the future, I would not leave my husband with a ‘friend’ alone at 2am in my house under any circumstances.

      Now I have interacted with many women, and have heard hundreds of cheating husband stories, in your situation, which I am guessing represents maybe 5-7% of cheaters, has a VERY GOOD chance of surviving, and here is why….

      1.) He told you the next day – this is HUGE. He was so ridden with guilt, he came to you crying. There are many women on this site (including me) that would love to have their husband do that. What I would give if my husband did that, came to be the next day so remorseful he couldn’t hold it for more than 24 hours. This is SO good, this means you have an honest husband who actually feels horrible for what he did, 95 % of cheating men do not do this, so very good move on his part.

      2.) It was kind of a freakish situation. 2am, a drunk friend, in the house, alone (you were sleep I believe). Not a situation I would recommend any married man partake in. I am sure she was very horny in her drunkenness and in that type of set up, asking for trouble. I think you should have a discussion with your husband about it, and talk about the situations that you both agree not to put each other in. This is going to mature your husband because he will get to understand what situations not to put himself in the future. You also mentioned that she lays in his lap sometimes – I know you think it’s ok, but that’s crossing the lines a little in my opinion, because we are dealing with men. Men have very high sex drives, you do not want any woman laying on your husband and causing any type of thoughts. Hanging out with other female friends, having date nights, great!! Having a friend lay on your husband, alone, at 2am, um…..that’s pushing it.

      3.) He takes responsibility – another winner in my book. A man that takes full responsibility for cheating is a very good sign.

      So I say this to say, I think you have a great chance of working through this. I think you should talk about how to deal with the mutual friend, and how to deal with friends in the future. You also might get a book on affair recovery and go through some of the exercises, it will bring you closer together. If you are still having problems after a month, you might want to consider therapy, either joint or alone, I think that would help sort through the emotions. This just happened a few days ago, so your feelings are hurt, especially with your pregnancy, so I hope in my writing this it gives you a new hope that you might be able to work things out. No more late night drunk friends at the house alone with your husband!!!

      **Oh, make sure he realizes if he EVER does this again, it’s over, it’s good for men to know you mean business around this, so while you might be willing to work things out, you will not accept this behavior again. Take Care, I hope it works out!

  • LisaP January 16, 2012, 10:21 PM

    feelbetrayed, Wow at least he told you about it as soon as he felt he could. Which for some of us is never or until months or years later. I feel he is truly sorry for his actions and very remorsefull. This OW is NOW no friend of yours either. I can understand your trust issue now with you husband. Ask him to go to couple counseling to rebuild the trust you had. It is really to soon to make a decision on your future take it one day at a time. Your in Shock and this needs to be handled carefully. Your feelings about all this will change daily and monthly. Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings this will help with the process. 10yrs is a long time to just through away a marriage without going through all your emotions. In time you will know what to do.

  • Feelbetrayed January 17, 2012, 9:24 AM

    Thank you LisaP & Jewels for your responses. Let me clarify a couple of things… This OW was best friends with my husband long before I ever came into the picture and the only time she ever layed her head in his lap was if she was sad about something, so not very often… It really didn’t bother me, because I never would have expected anything like that from her. If it had been any other female then it would have bothered me. I also didn’t think anything of her coming over to the house as it was late evening about 10:00pm and she has lived with us previously for 8 months( she just moved out the 2nd week in December) so I trusted her enough to let her live with us, I didn’t see an issue with her coming that night. There had been plenty of times where they would both be up watching tv and I’d be asleep…. I trust him when he says this was the first time anything happened. The thing that pisses me off is that the OW is claiming she was drunk… Which is total BS because she was perfectly fine when I headed to bed not even an hour before the incident happened. She is trying to not take blame here as “she doesn’t remember”.

    All ties with this woman have been severed by my husband and me as well.

    Last night I woke up to him crying at about 3 am, when I asked him what was wrong he said, “I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I did what I did, I love you more than anything in this world,and I want to spend the rest of my life with you… I feel awful for hurting you the way I did.” I believe that he is sorry.

    A part of me is concerned that he really doesn’t want to be with me anymore and is just staying with me because he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore or is comfortable and doesn’t want to have to change his life. Does this make any sense? He says that’s not the case, and that if he didn’t want to be with me, this would have given him the opportunity to leave, but he doesn’t want to live the rest if his life without me.

    I have made it crystal clear to him that IF this ever happens again, there will be no discussion… We will be done. He says he understands and that he will never hurt me like that again, or even allow himself to be in that type of situation.

  • NH January 19, 2012, 12:12 PM

    My D day was 6 weeks ago. I was devastated. The OW outed herself by calling me several times while my H was away. First there were hang ups, then she would ask for him and hang up. Finally, she told me not to trust my H and then hung up. When he returned from his business trip, I confronted him. At first, he tried to act like he didn’t know what the calls were about. But, I knew that many calls were not just a prank so I told him that if he knew what was going on he needed to come clean. That’s when he confessed all. I made him call her that night so I could talk to her. I told her in a very calm voice, without calling her any names, that her relationship with my husband was over and there would be no more contact. Then I hung up.

    The affair happened a few years ago and ended (for him) about a year before my D day. His business trip was to the city where she lives. She found out he was in town and was calling and texting him but he was ignoring her. That’s when she decided to call me.

    I don’t know anything about her other than her name (which sounds fake to me) and I don’t care to.

    I have decided to stay with my H and work on our marriage. We have been married for 18 years and were together for 6 years before that. We have 3 children. I am not ready to throw all that away.

    The first few weeks I felt as though I were going to die. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t even look at my H. I believe I am past the devastation phase. My H has done everything to try to repair our marriage. He has said he is very remorseful, he has answered all of my questions, several times over and he is really trying. He has offered to go to counseling however, when he initially broke it off with the OW he went to counseling then. So, he knows why he cheated and what he has to do to rebuild the trust.

    On the upside, our sex life has blossomed. Mostly from my initiation. Call it needing to feel loved, wanting to feel wanted, wanting him to know what he has, whatever, its working.

    This is not to say that I still don’t have bad days. I was at the grocery store the other day in the health and beauty aid aisle. I’ve been up and down that aisle a thousand times. But when I passed the condoms, I lost it thinking about my husband buying them to be with the OW. (He said that he used them every time but I got checked just in case – all clean.)

    The trust is still not there and I don’t know when it will return. But for his part he has cut down on his work travel as much as he can. He has allowed me to check his phone and computer. We talk much more and more honestly. He has been very patient when I have break downs and out bursts and he has never blamed me. He acknowledges that he did this and he has to deal with the fallout.

    My fear is that the OW will contact him again. She did send a text apologizing the day after I spoke to her, but I find it hard to believe that that would be the end of it for her. My other fear is his next business trip to the city where she lives. I only can trust my own instincts about whether he will do what he says and stay out of contact with her regardless of whether she contacts him.

    Everyday it’s a struggle but I do believe my husband is sorry and is trying.

    I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I hope everyone else reading these blogs are progressing in their recovery and also have the strength to make the right choice for them.

    Thanks Jewels for the site. It was been a godsend during a time when I have needed it most.

  • Use to be Happy January 20, 2012, 1:18 PM

    I found out a few weeks before Christmas that my husband was having a affair with one of my best friends who is also married and it had been going on for months. I have felt betrayed on so many levels. I have 2 beautiful children with him and all I do is try to keep it together for them. I have questioned every aspect of our 12 year relationship. One of the worst parts is I hung out with this woman with her kids, my kids and my husband while they were sleeping together. For godsake she was at my kids’ birthday party 3 weeks after she starting sleeping with him and he allowed her to be around my parents and his parents, who does that? I found out later that she had a multiple year affair with the husband of another family she was with almost every weekend. The affair continued for about a month after I found out. I told my husband to fake our marriage until after the holidays because I was not going to ruin it for the kids. So he would leave after the kids went to bed and be home in the morning before they woke up. I had the pleasure of having my heart ripped out of my chest every time he walked out the door in the evening to go to her house. I was told by both of them that they loved each other. How do people like this even know what love is? I have devoted my life to my husband and kids, their needs always came before mine. I never went out with friends, I didn’t even want to because I just wanted to spend every free moment with my family. And now everything I ever thought is shattered into a million pieces. It makes me feel better to hear other wives have been blame for the affair because I have. My husband has accused me off and on of having affairs with people I have worked with. I even took 2 lie detector tests to prove I was not cheating. I never so much as had the thought to cheat on my husband at any point of our relationship. Now I know that he accused me to make himself feel better but the accusations are like a knife in my heart. When you devote everything you have in you to him and then he questions your loyalty, it is just not fair.

    So now supposedly the affair is over and he ended it because he wants me and the kids but I can not believe him. He can’t show me any prove that he ended it and he is still friends with her on facebook. I have asked him several times to de-friend her but he wouldn’t do it. So to me that means the affair is still going or he can not let go of her. How does he expect me to move on and attempt to make the marriage work. He wants to act at night that everything is fine and wonders why I am sleeping on the couch. I have told him over and over what I expect from him in order for me to begin to heal and he wouldn’t even give me an inch. My kids make comments about him never being home and he blames me because I make comments in front of them which I don’t. Funny, it has nothing to do with the fact that they have woken up too many times to count and he has not been there and I am the one lying to their face to cover for him. My kids have completely pulled away from their relationships with him. I can not understand how he doesn’t get it that he is losing his family because he is not stepping up to the plate.

  • Tweety January 21, 2012, 8:32 AM

    Hi JB, Your last post was such a great boost to know that it does get better. We are not out of the woods yet….I have had two really bad triggers and survived but wow they are so debilitating and zap all your energy and focus that you feel so exhausted from it. I did get through it :) I still have to find a way to get the A thoughts out of my head and trying to find away to do that….so I can concentrate on me and us and not about all that. I know it will come up once in awhile but I seem to still give it power over me and seems like it has a life of it’s own. He still isn’t back home and he will wait till I’m ready and only then with no pressure. He also said something that was very interesting to me. The day I found out about his A and he moved out the next day…..he said that as the weeks went by he now has what he thought he wanted the freedom to do what he wanted with whomever he wanted and go out etc….and all he wanted to do is talk or text me and that since he had that choice it really wasn’t what he wanted. So he has to think himself what does he really want also. He also said that he really didn’t know that what he wanted was right in front of him for 25 years and didn’t even know it because we were so caught up with the vicious cycles we were in and both of us wouldn’t let each other in. I still have my worries that once we get together and work on it that he might change his mind or he goes back to the man he used to be, but I think we just need to sit and talk about it and not hold it in. So each day is a new journey to say the least. I’m reading a book that is so interesting about infidelity it’s called ” Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder” the six stages of healing. It is really a very good book and maybe it will help someone here on this forum through all the emotions we go through. It is truly helping me. I see all that I’m going thru and he explains it so well. From the beginning and to the healing part…… Thank you all for your comments and thoughts and Hugs to all :)

  • JB January 21, 2012, 9:47 AM

    Tweety- I am so glad you are where you are now. I just posted on another post and said — this new strength is something we should be most proud of– YEA to US! We are making it – and that is wonderful. I too had a tough week. It has been so full of just- well, LIFE. I responded to Mitch on the other post as she has had some of those feelings of sudden rage- like you said triggers that put the affair right in front of your face again. It is scary, sad, and heartbreaking all over again, but we all know that it is also just part of the healing too- and that we have to deal with the triggers if we want them to find that safe place within ourselves. I feel like the affair keeps telling me focus on me — and when I get to a comfortable place it keeps throwing challenges at me. Sort of like — ok, you got past that–now deal with this. You are right it is exhausting– but with the exhaustion comes power and strength– so I guess bring it on- I will face it and deal with it! You are right the affair does have power- just don’t let it have power over you! I had some of those feelings this week- I kept for some crazy reason– seeing the OW having sex with my husband. I think it may be because I talked with her husband this week and she is finally ready to give him the truth- she has gotten out of rehab and is now making ammends I guess- they of course are in the middle of a divorce, but it still brought up emotions. I keep wondering what her truth really is… I know the affair is long over, I know my husband loves me and is doing all he can to help me heal, I know that I am the better woman in this all– I KNOW!! but there are still moments of that “feeling” you know the one that feels like rage, but you are so out of tears you can’t cry. Well I learned this week, find the tears- let it out- if not it starts throwing pictures in your head that you thought were long gone. After a really good cry, they were gone– thank God! Then, yesterday, I went out of town for a day trip to visit my niece in college–It was fun to see this beautiful young woman at the beginning of her life, having fun, finding out for the first time just what she is made of– it also took me back 30 years– to a time when I met my husband and how little I truly knew about him- how innocent our lives were– a time when we couldn’t get enough of each other and life was so simple. I also had a real heart to heart with her, as she just broke up with her boyfriend that was too controlling– so glad she got rid of that one :) She asked me lots of questions about my relationship with my husband- how we met, how we dated for so long living in two different cities while in college, how I knew he was the one. What a conversation– like a wise old owl– I told her I could predict as to what type of husband her ex-boyfriend would become- not because I knew him so well, but that men show their colors early on- you just have to see the signs, and that she was way too good for him. She told me she felt so free and happy now- I told her NEVER be untrue to herself no matter what–listen to that voice inside herself– it was right on–I also told her keep her needs and wants front and center in her life- if a man in worthy of her – he will accept this about her and love her for it. She will know when Mr. Right comes into her life- don’t spend too much energy looking for him- he will come when she is ready for him– or even better when he is ready for her. While our conversation did make me feel sooooo old –it also me realize that love has always had challenges–I wish I had had someone to tell me those things when I was 19. Not sure if I would have listened or even been able to understand them, but the kids today are much more savvy than we were at their age. They have so much more to deal with than we did- with the electronic age- everything is instant- instant messages -instant gratification- instant –instant– instant. Where I was going with this, is that we do have to stop the world sometimes– our hearts have been not only broken, but scared for life- we deserve a stop sign. We have to heal- we have to process this- we have to stop being so hard on ourselves. It isn’t instant-love doesn’t work that way at all- it is HARD work- with or without an affair. I think as women we are the fixers and healers the ones that can see things more clearly than men- we feel deeper and fall harder when things happen- it is just how we are wired. I also realized talking with my niece that I wouldn’t trade places with her for all the love or money in the world. She has so many moments ahead of her— I am glad I am wiser because of the affair- I am proud of myself and tell myself this often. Tweety, I don’t know if it ever stops- or if it ever should- I too just hope it stops being so intense at times.
    You and your husband are going in the right direction. Your conversations together will bring you both so much closer as people, a couple, and lovers eventually. It really can be amazing– but remember it never goes away. It will always be a part of who you and your husband are together and as individuals. As far as the OW– well she is a cheater– I’m just glad that we never crossed that fence- and that is what makes us the better people in this all! Stay in touch my friend- Hugs, Hugs, and more Hugs.

  • LisaP January 21, 2012, 10:33 AM

    Use to be Happy, sorry to hear about your pain. Yes this pain hurts like just like a knife cutting your heart up to pieces. Your husand has not taken responsibility for his actions that is why he blames you and tells you to move on. Most likely he is still in that other relationship if he hasn’t deleted he off of FB. Your kids know more than you tell them. They have eyes and ears and can see and make judgements for themselves. If he want to work things out it has to be on your terms. counseling and you asking tons of questions as to why? If he can’t do that then you will have to make another decision as to where you go on from here. You are stronger that you know. You have been holding the family together while he has his fun. Ask him what does he want? It maybe to leave or stay but there can be no wishy washy……..Your husand also sounds like he has trust issues himself and low self esteem that is why he cheated in the first place. most men have issue which make them cheat. It also sounds like you have a town whore living within you community. Get the other mothers together and breifly bring up the subject of her and she what comes up, Oh does the OW husband know about her affairs. If not you have the right to tell her husband about your husband and her.

  • JB January 21, 2012, 12:26 PM

    Use to be Happy- that gut feeling that the affair hasn’t ended is right on- I learned early on in my recovery from my husband’s affiar ( the OW also married and a friend)– that the little voice inside of me -was 99.9% of the time correct- and I now ALWAYS listen to it. Your husband blames you because like Lisa P said he has not taken responsibility for his bad behavior. You didn’t make him cheat, he did that all on his own. I can’t imagine having to watch him walk out the door each night knowing he was going to the OW. I know you wanted to keep things “normal” for the kids- Oh, but was it worth it? From your post, I can see you hanging on desparately– DON’T give him or the OW that power over you. If your husband really wanted to make things right, he will do the right thing– he will drop her like a hot potato, get into therapy, sever all ties with her, and work hard for your forgiveness. I know that dealing with a so called friend is hard– one because we know this OW and two because our lives do cross paths even after the affair. I won’t lie to you — it is the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do. This woman sounds alot like the OW I have had to deal with- multiple affairs with married men. One thing for me that has helped is that when I see the OW I truly feel sorry for her- to be that insecure, have such low self-esteem, and to be that miserable in life to go after married men. Now that is sad. Don’t get me wrong– my husband was just as much at fault- he chose to have an affiar- no one twisted his arm– he dug his own hole on this one. Don’t stoop to their level at anytime during this recovery- be the bigger person. I too was crushed and really wanted to just ring both of their necks, but realized it only made me feel worse and it wasn’t worth the energy. I instead chose to focus all my energy on myself and what I wanted- not what he wanted. I have kept my head held high through it all- and it feels GREAT! Your husband has lots of work to do- he needs to search within himself to find out why he did this- that is not your job. Get help for you. If he chooses to step up and do the right thing, great- meet him there and work forward in the marriage. If he chooses to blame you and accuse you of his bad behavior, then move forward without him- he doesn’t deserve you and you will show your children that you are strong and have the right to be treated with respect. Since this is happening over and over with this woman, I agree that her husband should be told. The only way to heal is the TRUTH. Everyone involved has to be truthful to the core– sometimes that is just to hard for people to do- but without that honesty you can’t heal from an affair- no matter how hard you try- it will never be right. I bet he already knows- sounds like more problems than just affairs- was in my case too– my OW ended up a 20 year pill popper and destroyed many families in the process of her self-destruction. As far as where you are in the process, you are still in discovery phase- and this is really hard. You still don’t have all the pieces of the puzzle yet– be strong and focused and you will someday. I too put myself last in my life before the affair- I thought that by taking care of my children, my house, my job, my husband, and our life that I was doing everything right– Oh how wrong I was :) During my 25 years of marriage and 30 years together, I forgot about me– I stopped putting my needs first and in turn just floated along on the coat tails of my family’s happiness- if they were happy I thought I was happy too. Now, after refocusing on Me– I have found that I am a much better mother, wife, friend, and person. I really like myself now and it shows in all parts of my life- even my girls tell me I seem so much more at peace — I’m proud of that– because I am. I turned this recovery into a self-discovery for myself and really dug deep to find out if I really wanted to continue with my marriage. I too didn’t want to throw it all away- and that was hard to not let being scared of something different be too overwhelming to even consider–but I did. I went to therapy for the first time in my life over this affair, and it was the best decision that I ever made. I found out that I played a part in the affair, but did not make him do it- I just left a door open for him- that would have been closed if I had demanded to be first in his life instead of me putting him first in mine –with little or no expectations in return from him. I no longer do that– like the old saying goes– “happy wife… happy life” Well, it is true. We should be first in their lives, we have to demand that respect from them– if they don’t deliver– well, then they don’t deserve us. You will never make him see what a mistake he has made, stop trying ==it will drive you crazy. When I started focusing on just me, then my husband saw this really strong, self-confident, self-aware woman. One he hadn’t seen before- and he also began to realize that he almost lost her over being horny, self-absorbed, and a liar. Fortunately for me, he knew he had to fix himself first before he could ever have me back– I so grateful he did. But if he didn’t I still am in such a good place with myself now that I would be just fine without him and I know that. Stay strong for you– I will pray that your husband finds his way back to you, but more than that I will pray for you that you find your inner strength, it is so much more powerful and rewarding than any man- and you realize you are worth so much more than you ever imagined– Good luck along this journey. Peace and Blessings

  • use to be happy January 21, 2012, 3:32 PM

    Thanks jb and Lisa p for the encouraging words! The ow husband does know and he have separated

  • tweety January 22, 2012, 7:59 AM

    Hi, JB and ladies…… I feel so much better starting my day reading all of the posts, I get so much positive energy to face my day with all of your words and encouragement that i know I can do this. I do not feel so alone in this. JB sorry for a tough week….I know how that is… :) I am too trying to confront those thoughts process them, give them a place so i don’t keep re hashing the same stuff over and over…. and when you say where you are in your marriage and they still come up and they have that affect on you is hard…I just keep thinking we are so much stronger than we think. I surprise myself everyday…..At the end of the day I say wow I got thru all that today…….
    That’s funny you mentioned giving relationship advice to your niece and I too have been talking to my sons girlfriend whose 23 and they are having issues…and she sees what me and my husband are going thru and I told her you need to take care of yourself now you are not married and make sure that you know what YOU want….. don’t depend on anyone for your happiness. Even though he is my son she still needs to think of herself now before she gets married to him or anyone else. It will make her stronger and more confident in her choices. But she is so wrapped up in the drama, I just keep talking I hope she gets and hears some of it.
    I am still building up my self esteem and confidence….and that is hard work. I have my doubts all the time about all of this. I know that like you said JB its alot of HARD work on BOTH parts and that’s the scariest part….hoping you don’t give it your heart and everything you have to the relationship and it isn’t enough. But I just keep telling myself that then I know for sure that I’ve done all I can do if it doesn’t work out. Still hurts to think about it though.
    Hugs

  • Ella January 23, 2012, 7:05 AM

    Tweety – -I feel the same way you do — reading the posts inspired me this morning. I have chosen to stay with my H. He is really trying and doing the work. He is an open book (and has been since DDay — last March) — there is still that nagging feeling though — everytime I think it’s going great — I scare myself and say things like — what if this isn’t real, what if he’s just doing this to smooth things over and he will go back to his old ways when he is stressed and feeling badly about himself. He really dislikes his job and industry but is trapped because of the money. His weight fluctuates by 40 pounds at times — he’s now on the heavy side and feels crappy about himself. (just like last year at this time — UGH) — anyway — I’m wondering how to get over this hurdle — I want to just let it all go and trust again, but my brain won’t let me let my guard down — and I guess I shouldn’t — maybe this is the new reality — we need to always “date” or be on our toes and not take anything for granted. My therapist says that the truth is always revealed and to just let myself go with it – -and if anything happens — it will be revealed and my gut is always 99% on. I knew something wasn’t right last year…..I just knew. Just hoping the triggers don’t consume me over the next two months. I can’t relive it all again — I want to get past this…… Mitch — hope your feelings are settling. Use to be happy — I really feel for you and your situation — but you sound like a very strong woman — and will pull through this. The hardest thing is to realize is that the issues are truly with them — and believing that. I still waver sometimes. No one is perfect and I guess if we can forgive, we are the bigger people and we are setting an example for the future. And good will conquer evil. Life gives us challenges — and maybe our role is to help others really challenge themselves to be better people? A big hug to all. Spring hopefully will be just around the corner and we can all have new beginnings — whatever we’re meant to have…..

  • Use to be Happy January 23, 2012, 3:17 PM

    I can help but wondering if the thoughts about how things were between them will ever stop. I find myself thinking every time he does something for me “I wonder if he did that for her”. It was interesting yesterday after he paid bills I went thru the credit card statement (like I always do now) and saw that one of them that I know came in the mail was not there. So I went to the trash (can’t believe I reduced to this) and found it ripped up. Of course I am smart enough to put it back together and see a charge from when they went to the movie the night before he supposedly ended it with her. I have not been on a date with my H in a year but he wined and dined the OW. I was so angry thinking how that night I was crying myself to sleep and they were enjoying themselves at the movies. I know that for me to move on I need to let that stuff go but it is so hard!

  • JB January 23, 2012, 5:01 PM

    Use to be Happy, Like I have said to Tweety before the thoughts of them being together never really leave, they just fade with time and you learn to put them in a place where you feel safe again. I too still have moments of saddness over these thoughts- mine are really hard because they had sex in my bed together. Your husband needs to step up to the plate and start spending time with you- taking you to the movies and dinner. My husband and I too had stopped having date nights before the affair, but now I make it a point to have a date night at least 2 times a month. I don’t think you can let these thoughts go completely- you can process them, talk about them, and cry over them in the beginning, but as time goes on they just pop into your head (or at least that is for me) at the most unexpected moments. We can forgive what they have done to us, but we don’t forget. That is the cruel residue that remains for us- just part of that new reality that Ella posted about. This stuff is so hard- and it will continue to be hard – just with less pain each time you have to deal with it. I think for those of us who have stayed it is one of the most difficult things we have to deal with- that is why we have to be so strong and at peace with ourselves to stay and recover from an affair. I found in my situation, that I was way too easy on my husband before- I never expected much at all after 25 years, and I was wrong. I didn’t put myself first- I always had good reasons not to expect dinners out or a movie- the kids needed this, or it was incovienent to get a sitter when they were younger, or spending $50 bucks to see a movie or buy flowers was just silly to me, when we needed to spend it somewhere else. This happened slowly over 25 years, so when the affair happened – at first I couldn’t even see the bad patterns we had adopted as part of our relationship. Not now, I don’t I expect attention from him- I demand it– (I don’t mean demand as in force it from him). I just make it known that he needs to put me first, and treat me with such affection now. I deserve it and am worth every penny he spends– more really :) Sometimes I have to tell him point blank what I want or need, because he is still a man and still has no clue at times, but sometimes he gets it without even a hint (progress). He has always been loving towards me and me towards him– we just failed each other on the attention end. I too had to change –I had to feel worthy of spending the money on us and on me, I had to be open to being surprised (which I am not very good at), I had to learn to be gracious with his attempts to make me feel special – I wasn’t good at that either. It has all been a growing and learning experience together- it is like we are dating again. My therapist says it is like dating – in that we are building a new life together- based on a different foundation- and while we don’t forget our past– we don’t dwell on it either. I hope you can get to this place with your husband-it is not easy, but rewarding- keep moving forward and working on it. I will be thinking about you. Peace and Blessings

  • Jules January 23, 2012, 5:27 PM

    I need opinions here! I found out 8 months ago about my husbands affair, long story short-we seperated for a month, he moved home, things improved then started sliding back a bit. My anger and fear were controlling me and finally a week ago I asked him again to attend couples therapy, he said no and I told him he had to leave and stay elsewhere. I have had some real tough days and lots of self evaluation and realized how much my fear and anger were controlling me! He admitted just 2 days ago that his guilt was what was not allowing us to be close. He has not seen nor spoken to her and she knows we are separated. I have been warned that she (married with 3 kids but tells everyone she is not happy) is really after my husband, that she is very self absorbed and has no heart and to watch my back and keep a camera on me at all times. It has felt as if someone is lurking outside my home at times.

    So this ah ha came to me. I have been so devastated that I have not truly spoken my feelings to my husband, I am being very quiet. I am working on Letting go, acceptance and forgiveness and want to tell him this plus that I want us to work and I want him home. He has only been out for 8 days and is this too soon? I have had such a rush of feeling today and my heart and soul says tell him how you feel now! I had a Psychic reading and it is strong in that I am in a good place (I do feel I am) and we loved each other deeply and he does not want to loose me but his guilt and shame are eating him up and he feels like a loser and I need to forgive him so we can begin to heal. This was my second one and they both have said the same things and it is intriguing what they know without you telling them.

    So do I go for it and speak my true feelings tonight? It feels like it just can’t wait.

  • Numb January 24, 2012, 7:55 PM

    Not even sure where to start?? I have been married for 24 years, I have 2 adult children and 1 young child(still at home) and 1 grandchild. We were both very young when we got married & our marriage was not easy….MANY ups and downs – I used to read articles about signs your man is cheating and would laugh because every sign pointed to my husband but I knew he would never do THAT to me. We were married 18 years when I found a LOT of text messages between him and a ‘younger’ woman – he denies anything sexual ever happened but I have my doubts. When revealing this information to my childhood friend she told me about the affair my husband had for many years with one of my closest ‘friends’ . My husband finally admitted to this – but it wasn’t easy to get the truth out! I decided to stay and work on the marriage-we live in a small town so it was hard running into people and seeing daily reminders. My husband assured me he wanted me and he was foolish and would never hurt me in this way again. Fast forward 2 years….another affair exposed – again this was another ‘friend’, we spent many week-ends with this woman and her husband. This time it was extremely difficult for many reasons 1)My husband knew what this did to me before & knowingly betrayed, cheated, lied 2) My birthday and this womans are a week apart – we had a big bash for her birthday and I asked to get together for my birthday a few days later but my husband told me no one wanted to get together for me(still hurts my feelings) 3) I made my husband tell our adult children what was going – we live in a small town I didn’t want them hearing it on the street…My kids were crushed! My husband cried and I do believe was/is very remorseful…He requested to go to marriage counseling, which we did, and I thought at the time I wanted to stay. It has now been 2 years – I believe he has remained faithful and tries very hard to make the marriage work….The problem is – I think I’m over it and feel very guilty about that. I feel he is working on becoming a better person but his very presence is a reminder of all the affairs. When he reminisces about the past I can only think of which woman he was with at the time…it truly makes me ill. I feel selfish for putting my children thru the pain of separation. One thing I failed to mention are all the other lies – he was self employed and wasn’t paying his bills, had to take out loans to pay them, even took out loans without telling me….I have a good job and make good money but I live on next to nothing to pay off the debt he incurred-this makes me VERY resentful. I know I rambled on but I’m trying to sort out my feelings – very confused and not sure what I should do? I always envisioned growing old and being together watching our children/grandchildren as a family unit but I feel he has made this dream impossible.

  • Joan January 24, 2012, 11:10 PM

    I decided to stay with my husband. This is so hard to deal with. Almost everything is a constant reminder. How can I get over this? This is going on 7 weeks now. How do I trust again? I felt really happy for about 3 weeks and now not so much.

  • Joan January 24, 2012, 11:15 PM

    Thank you for answering all of our e-mails. you are very sweet and helpful.
    This helps me alot to realize that I am not alone. We need to have group therepy meetings.

  • Joan January 24, 2012, 11:15 PM

    I meant therapy not therepy

  • tweety January 25, 2012, 8:43 AM

    Hi Ladies…. Yes, Ella I get those feeling like ok when is my real husband going to show back up ? I have to stop saying things against myself or bashing myself I seem to do that and so unproductive for me I have to repeat over and over it’s not about me, it was him, all him. I just want to heal me first and find a place to put all of the thoughts and images, I truly don’t want to give them any power what so ever because in my mind then the images have won and I don’t want to lose I want to take the power back. I keep saying also that I can’t change what happened, I can’t change the past, but when I think of her I get angry and hateful but most of all sadness. I have since found out that if it wasn’t my husband she told her husband it would of been someone else. Which shows she’s heartless…That in no way makes me feel any better but shows me a side of her that has no self respect for herself, as a wife (to be honest with her husband), as a woman, and especially as a mother. She is a horrible example and role model for her daughters and I know that she feels no remorse for what she did. Since my husband still sees her at work and she lives down the street we have run ins….Her husband gives me a bad feeling that he is not all right in the head…I saw him and it made me very uncomfortable. So I know she is not right in the head, and probably a bit psycho……..My husband ignores her and avoids her at all costs…and he gets it ! Now my husband is in therapy and is really wondering why he could do this to me, why he didn’t see what he was doing and before the A he wonders why he was like he was to get to the point he felt that was a choice that would solve his problems. He is rewinding his mind and he sees things he isn’t proud of. He beats himself up inside and in therapy he opens up for once since he never talks about his feelings and he realizes this now he needs to talk about them. I know we are just in the beginning of all this and I know now that I will always have a choice …. Right now I’m trying to be nice to myself and stop being so self critical. I want to work on what was broke between us before the A and that’s my goal for today. I thank this site it is so helpful to all of us to know that we are here for each other :) Hugs to all

  • Sunee January 25, 2012, 5:19 PM

    Hi,
    I have been married 12 years and have 3 beautiful children with him. My husband has cheated on me for many times and once had a on and off affair with a girl for 5 years. Took trips, company junctions, and family reunions with her. I found out about 3 years ago and somehow managed to forgive him even though it was not the 1st time or the 2nd ive caught him but the most serious one. I got pregnant with my 3rd child and we stayed together. I believed hardcore in keeping a marriage together no matter what so that is what I tried. It has been 3 years since and I find myself now feeling emotionally detached from him and not wanting to make love to him at all. He tries more and more as i often tell him no. I feel as if im not in love with him anymore and now he is all sad, depressed, making me feel guilty as if im doing something wrong. Ive distant myself and grown cold and he feels as if im cheating on him. Being that i have 3 children with him and my oldest being 10 I am truly scared of leaving him because of what its going to do to my kids. He also tells me if I leave him i will be abandoning my family and that no one will ever love me like he did. Please help me on what I should do. He has great characteristics but has been super unfaithful and although he might not be anymore (to my knowledge) I no longer feel the same. It took me along time to feel this way or atleast recognize it but I feel like aprisoner in my own home. HELP. Thank you.

    • Jewels January 25, 2012, 10:57 PM

      Jules/Numb/Joan/Sunee/Tweety

      Jules – I know the time has already passed, curious how the conversation went. I would of said to go with how you feel. Your emotional radar is not far off, and you might of been holding your own feelings out of protection, protection from getting hurt by his reaction. But in order for true healing to take place between the marriage, a conversation of true feelings needs to happen so that you understand each other. I hope everything worked out, keep us informed.

      Numb, yes, I can understand why your name is numb. So many hurtful situations, so much history. Recovery from one affair is difficult within a marriage. Anytime it’s more than one, the emotional toll it takes on you is very hard to recover from. I ended up leaving after I found out the second time, and I remember that resentful feeling. Someone else posted a comment and it was spot on, she said I love my husband but I don’t like him. Do not worry so much about your children, well let me explain. This is just my opinion, but I believe the best thing you can do for a child is be happy. You teach them so much in being happy, you show them how to live life. You do not seem happy right now with the marriage. It doesn’t mean leave, but I think you should have a heart to heart with your husband to see how he feels. Ask the tough questions, are you together for you and him or for the kids. Are you together because it’s comfortable? Share your feelings. I can’t tell you what you should do, but I know living in resentment puts an added stress on you and your body, over time that is not a good emotion to have all the time. Affairs really mess with your mind and cause you to question yourself in ways you never have before. Deep inside is the answer, I get the feeling that you feel stuck, but I feel you might have more options that you think. Take Care!

      Joan - Healing from this happens as a result of a couple of things. One is time, it just isn’t a thing that someone can said that will heal you quickly, the wound is very very deep, so it is going to take some time. Also your husband can help with this, each day his actions will either build up trust, keep things the same, or tear down trust. Right now you are starting from scratch, so it’s important that your husband does things daily that help rebuild the foundation of trust that has been destroyed. Trust can be rebuilt, but it takes effort of both you and your husband to make it work. It’s a fight, but if you have a husband that is willing to put forth the effort, it’s worth fighting for.

      **I know you made a comment about group meetings. At this time I am focusing on finishing two big projects that should be complete by the end of February. Once those are done, Feb-Jun will be focusing on how I can use this site and make it an interactive and collaborative community. I think it is possible, I just need the time to pick the right tools to make sure it’s valuable and useful….so stay tuned :)

      Sunee, It seems like what is happening is you put up an invisible wall that prevents you from getting hurt anymore. You do not want to get close because you do not want to be hurt. You do not look at him the same anymore because of his ways. And a repeat cheater, it’s hard to look at them in a loving manner, because they have hurt you over and over again.

      He says that no one would love you like he did – not true at all. I know one person that would love you 10 times more than he ever did, and that is you. Your husband is saying that so he can keep you there, to instill fear in you because he has fear of you leaving. And a person can only give what they have. Kids are a huge factor in many women deciding. And I am not going to lie to you, it is tough separating. I have been separated for over a year and she just told me tonight she wants to go back home, which is where we use to live. She is 5 and refuses to call where I live home. But, if I would of stayed, I would of been much more angrier, more tense, and less happy. And I did not want my kids to grow up thinking marriage is this thing where people are together but not happy. Kids know when you are not happy, they are very intuitive, so I decided to leave and told myself that I know they would be impacted, but I hope that I can recovery in a way that teaches them that you can encounter obstacles and still put a smile on your face. So it’s possible.

      You might also want to consider personal therapy, like I said, your mind is saying let’s stay together, but your physical body is rejecting that idea because it does not want to go through such pain again. Or maybe your body is trying to tell you something. I have felt the same way at times, it just did not feel right anymore. Take Care, I hope everything works out.

      Tweety – I can tell from your last not you are making progress and working through your emotions. There is alot of wisdom in your last note, keep pushing forward….

  • Jules January 25, 2012, 11:10 PM

    The conversation went well but my husband is still not talking and still blaming me and bringing stuff up from the past. If I say “We both said and did things that were hurtful” he then tells me I am the problem as I do a tit for tat. He just does not see or hear what he is doing. So I did not ask him to move home. But I have asked that we talk about a time frame and boundaries on this seperation. All his stuff is home, he has not moved out. Just packed a bag and sleeping with a blanket on a futon, not even sheets! He did take off his wedding ring so I took mine off, just made me sick. Told me he just wants to be alone.

    Sadly our oldest son now is saying he does not want his Dad at his wedding this summer and he is done trying to have a relationship with him, then he refused to tell his Dad himself. I am not going too and my sister and mother in law are going to talk to him about not putting this burdon on me as I am having a hard enough time. He is 27 and can write his Dad. My husband already blames me for everything and tells me I blow it out of proportion on our adult sons. All 3 boys are having issues, drinking, drugs, failing grades in school and I am trying to hold it all up.

    So I am changing the dance of our long marriage, I no longer pretend nor hide and keep his secrets. Back to the gym in the morning and now to be truthful with all our mutual friends. Secrecy is what has allowed him to continue his behavior and his refusal to get couples therapy. Also searching for a good family/couples therapist to start myself (will drop my individual) and talk my middle son into going. Will invite Dad to join us. Let us see if he even cares at all about his family. We are strarting to think he is mentally ill.

  • Trust Again January 26, 2012, 12:05 AM

    Hello,
    It is good to read feedback on those who have stayed in their marriage. I am having my good and bad days. Here’s my story. I found out about 2wks ago that my H of 10yrs and 7 b-4 marriage, was having an affair. I found a motel receipt for a place that is 20miles north from our house on the same day he said he was going camping with some male friends an hr south of our house on dec 18, 2011 . Then I looked at a cc statment for any motel activity and sure enough I found it along with proof of dinner at a restaurant in Sept 18th, 2011. When he came home from the the gym I had asked him about the walmart receipt I found which was near the motel. I said, ” how could you be there when you were suppose to be an hr south of here.” He denied being there and said he would call his buddy up and he would verify where he was. he called and no answer. I told him if I wanted information I could get it and thats when he fessed up. I sat calm as he told me how his buddy (the one he was calling) ran into the OW and an old friend of his at the bar. He asked his buddy for info on the OW and he gave it to him. The Affair went on for almost 6moths either in person or over emails. I slowly became furious. I thought about how this could have happend. About June 2011 our marriage had been alittle rocky and I decided after being let go from a stressful job I would take some time away. Before I left I told him if he was going to have sex with someone else have the desency to not do it in our house. I said this out of anger and he took it as permission. He made it my fault. He did say he was sorry and that what he did was wrong. After we agreed that he would no longer have contact with OW I made some requests. If I feel threatened I can look through his laptop or his cellphone. He has agreed not to go out to the bar & listen to rock bands for a few months and spend more time with us. We did agree he would go to the gym twice a week and when he does go I sometimes worry. I know it is still fresh in my mind and he did give me info about the affair when I asked for it. He even called his mom, who I am very close to and told her what he had done. He doesn’t know that I had told her of my suspicions before I actually found out. She was very dissapointed in him & was my sounding board and didn’t just tell me what I wanted to hear. I have been in her life for the past 17yrs and she is like my own mother. I am going to anger managment and it is also helping with the pain I sometimes feel. I am currently taking classes to finish my degree as a paralegal and starting a wellness program to better myself physically as well as mentally. I appriciate that you say ” women who stay in a marriage after an affair are strong.” That is my mantra I wish this would never happen to another women but these are the moments that do make us stronger and mold us into the women we will be tomorrow. ((hugs)) & thanks for listening.

  • Eve January 26, 2012, 11:58 AM

    Well here i am – I caught my husband cheating on me a 3 months ago with a woman he cheated on me with right before our wedding- I believed all the apologies and excuses about him being scared, cold feet etc. and put it behind me. We have ot had one year since then in our 4 year marriage that he has not cheated on me and left our home on partying binges some last a couple days some have lasted weeks and one time we separated for 4 months while we were going to counseling only to find out after we were back together that he had been swearing his commitment and fidelity to me while sleeping around. every time he has tried to blame me and he does say he is sorry and all the right things but if i am not able to get over it and just put it behind us within a few days- he gors back to the blaming and yes even accusing ME of cheating, telling me I’ve never loved him, if i loved him I wouldnt be this way blablah. i have older children from another marriage my former husband who was a wonderful man is deceases. He passed away when our last child was 9 months old. My daughter loves my husband and he has asked many times to adopt her but i have been putting it off because of his cheating/leaving. She calls him Daddy and to her he IS her Daddy. Yet when he leaves he does not even bother to call her and if she asks me to dial the phone so she can leave a (heartbreaking message still no response. I gave up my business to work his when we married and yet still had to hear tha tI was stealing from him when I took 4300 out of our account this last time he left and was staying with the woman no return calls and leaving me to field all the business calls because he was too busy partying and being with her to work. During the whole 3 weeks he was gone If I did get a hold of him he swore up and down that he wasnt seeing her and that he was tired of me being mean to him because of his “recent mistake”. When I finally drove to the town he was supposedly staying (his mothers) and confronted him with his lies after following him. He still denied only when I threatened a messy divorce that of course would affect the business did i get (some) of the truth. He is oh so sorry yes it is her blah blah- I insist we go to her house and he tell her he never had any intetion of leaving me and that we are going to Christian counseling(his suggestion) at which point i find he had clothes and his business files there. He also had started having her take over my duties in the business. Now of course he says he is a closet alcoholic blah blah and that he felt guilty and it was just nasty sex which he did not enjoy. HAH! She was kind enough to include the porn videos they purchased together and a note from him to her Thanking her for a beautiful evening in his things. He keeps telling me that he has told me “everything” but I feel in my gut he is not and I keep finding More. Should I not be asking for Full Disclosure? How can we put it behind us- when he is still not voluntarily being totally honest? He kept telling me he never wanted a divorce and today I find Divorce papers that SHE helped him fill out hidden in his vehicle! He says she did it on her own but all his personal info including Social security number and a copy of our marriage license are there. Does he think that I am an idiot? We have been to Christian counseling once and I felt he was honest but when will the lies stop? How much more am I going to be blindsided with and is it my fault for digging and searching for the WHOLE truth? If he’s not willing to give an honest ful ldisclosure how do i believe that he is sincere “this time and put it behind me? There have been 5 women that I know of and other situations that are very suspect. i wanted to be separated while going to counseling and he volunteered to go to AA and has went – but our Marriage counselor says that is not the way that if we are going to work on the marriage successfully we have to be living together. every time I find another lie to a question I have already asked- I can barely stand to be in the same house with him. I am consumed by this thing and do not know where to turn.

  • Eve January 26, 2012, 12:00 PM

    Sorry about all the typos and grammar but I am crying anxious and devastated as I write this.

  • Eve January 26, 2012, 12:06 PM

    Also when I took the 4300 out of our account it was for me and kids to live on while I found another career. I left him 15,000.00 in the business account and told him – if he wanted a divorce – I would not take any of the business and would only need 1,700. a month for 6 months until I got on my feet. This was when he first left and before I knew that he was still sleeping with the OW.

  • LisaP January 26, 2012, 1:20 PM

    I made a decison not to celebrate my 24yr anniversary which is coming next week on the 6th. I just cant find a card that says ” I am happy you cheated on me and I am glad we stayed together to try and work things out, when we cleary are not”. I was telling my girlfriend about my feelings and she laughed and said I don’t think they make cards like that and understood my feelings. It’s also not a good time to celebrate anything since my mother in law just went in the hospital 1/23 with a massive heart attack and stroke. She is 80yrs and my husband is her favorite child out of 3 so I don’t think he is even thinking about it our anniversary either. But just in case he does bring it up I will just have to say not this year I still have issue that I have to deal with before I can wish myself and him a happy marriage without cringing a little or a lot!

  • L3na January 26, 2012, 8:04 PM

    Hello, I’ve been reading over your blog for a a few hours…My husband is in the Army. I have had a difficult time adjusting to it, especially since he was sent overseas on his first assignment, leaving me with my 10 month old son. We have had our share of problems, but I always thought we had a very strong relationship..Anyway, in Feb/march of 2011 I was pregnant, we had just bought a house and he was going off for training. When he came back I started noticing him acting differently. I was pregnant, and not handing it very well (got rather depressed and was sick all the time). I had tried to leave him several months before because I felt like we werent making it, that we didn’t know each other anymore..but we talked things through and I stayed, and found out I was pregnant a few weeks later. well after he went to training he started disappearing a lot, staying late at work, putting a password on his phone, ignoring me on our social sites (facebook), and going out every weekend and staying out for 12+ hours at a time. I was devastated. i started looking through the phone bill and then one day it all fell together. I knew where she lived, who it was, and i was so confused. but it didn’t hit me for real until i opened his laptop (which by some weird coincidence was left on and unprotected) and there was a file containing multiple files of naked women. All were from women he met online previously, except for one..the woman I suspected him of cheating on me with..and there was apicture of them obviously naked, kissing on her bed..i fell apart. Three days later, i had my daughter..The months have been a big blur..so much has happened, its hard to remember what and when. but the main details are i moved out and to a different state with my family a little over a month later and ..turns out she got pregnant and he says he talked her into having an abortion..he never wanted me to know..now, over six months later i’m still lost. He’s talking about me moving back with him, and starting over..but i’m so suspicious and scared…i’m trying hard not to check his emails or anything (I had discovered a ridiculous amount of email accounts and other types of accounts online after it happened, i’m an Information Technology major)..I don’t know what to do..i keep waiting for him to at least TRY to prove to me that he’s changed and things are going to work out..but neither of us have gone to counseling, mainly because i’m in a different state..and a few months ago he locked me out of the phone bill so I couldn’t see who he was texting or calling. he says he knows i’ll never move forward if i’m always checking..which i agree with..but him doing it, just makes me feel like he’s hiding stuff from me again..we have two small kids and i graduate from collage with my bachelor’s degree in July..i’m trying to hold in there, and keep going but i’m so devastated still, and I don’t know what to do..

  • LisaP January 27, 2012, 9:50 AM

    L3na from USA, I am sorry to hear about your pain! He needs to show remorse for you to work this out and you have to be sure if this is what you want too. It seems that he still has a lot of secrets and he has to be an open book and give you all his passwords to everything to make this work. If he doesn’t then you will always question him and yourself and that will drive you crazy! He has been truly unfaithful for a long time and this can not be erased from your mind! Do you feel you will be better off without him? Or better with him? That is the questions you need to ask and write down a pros and cons list to help you process everything. It’s amazing how your thoughts really can help you when seen writen down on paper.

  • Sandy-Sue January 27, 2012, 2:38 PM

    Lisa – I know the feeling about the anniversary card…they just don’t make those kind! We “celebrated” (?) our 25th last June…6 months after discovery. We did take a long weekend to a nearby coastal town; kinda lame..but still something. No cards, no gifts…mostly a quiet, drinking while sit by the pool weekend. We did it together, and without fighting — but neither of us really had our ‘heart’ in it.
    Hope your MIL pulls through ok. I’m guessing you’re right there to support him. Stay strong!

  • Ella January 27, 2012, 2:44 PM

    Oh L3na from USA — I’m so so sorry about your situation. We are all here to try to cope with the horrible actions of our spouses. I’m with LisaP on her post — he will need to show genuine remorse and do the work necessary to regain your trust. And that takes a very long time. You will see that many of us are going on a year or more since our D-Day and still aren’t over it and still have alot of work to do — as do our husbands. You should seek some counseling — to vent your feelings and get yourself some help. It’s a truly tramatic event — it takes its toll emotionally and physically. LisaP — I understand not celebrating your anniversary. I told my husband I’m not celebrating Valentine’s Day — It kills me because I usually put out decorations now — and there’s nothing. My mom even asked me why I didn’t decorate yet — I just said I’ve been too busy. He was cheating at that time. We went to dinner on Valentine’s Day –but he got a limo to ride her around town in the following night — complete with ILY cards/gifts, etc. SO – he can’t have me on Valentine’s Day any more….he ruined that. My counselor says I have to re-write the holiday and what it means. ….. what does that mean??!!! He’s devastated as he is really trying and has been since D-Day. But his history was bad. He had female friends that were a secret about 6 years ago — ended them….only to find out he had started that up again right around the time with the L-word woman. He is saying the right things — but it’s sooo hard to trust. I’m making progress, but still have to be true to myself. I think we will make it — it’s mostly me at this point who has to stay open to healing. They do all the crap — and WE have to deal with it and be the bigger person. Anyway — hope everyone has a good weekend — stay strong — lean on each other and pray that the best is yet to come.

  • Tina January 27, 2012, 7:10 PM

    OMG I’m on freaking fire right now after 8 mths of trying to get my marriage back on track I check my husbands email to find that he has an account with some website called sexsearch.com I’m furious to say the least. But I politely updated his status to ‘I’m a mother fucker who likes to cheat on his beautiful wife and treat her like shit I have no respect for women and I have 5 kids and I’m broke so come on all u whores and get a piece of this.’ Lol I wonder how many responses he will get now! WTH is wrong with him I’m so over this I’ve had enough not sure what I’m gonna do with 3 kids and no job but anythings gotta be better than waiting for him to break my heart again I’m not even done with thhe first one!!! I’m so mad right now I’m shaking!!

  • LisaP January 27, 2012, 8:38 PM

    Tina, you have every right to be PISSED! I hated finding out my husband did the same thing. I took him back after the first affair only to have him break my heart again. That pain I think was just as bad as the first time. My husband admitted to sex addiction that comes from these sites along with his alcoholism. Once he started getting attention from these women telling him he was so hot he couldn’t stop. I am glad you change his status maybe he will learn his lesson not to mess around while your still here.

    Now back to you, Breathe!!!!! Also confront him on what he did and see what he wants to do? It won’t be easy but has to be done!

  • isthisreal January 27, 2012, 9:10 PM

    Tina, my heart is breaking for you right now. It is not your responsibility to “fix” your spouse. At the end of the day you can change only yourself and once you’re finished holding him up and the weight is removed you will find that you are strong enough to face anything on your own. I spoke with my husband today and let him know that unless he gets counselling for his self-esteem issues and leaves his workplace (he slept with a co-worker) we cannot build a new future together. I will allow him 1 month and then we are over. You deserve so much more than lies and disrespect. I truly hope that we all move on from this in ways that are healthier for us, be it with or without our spouses.

    Jewels – thank you for your kind words to me. All the women on this site are truly sisters in spirit and you have brought us together. I have my first psychologist appt on Monday and I am looking forward to the future, whatever it is…

  • Tina January 27, 2012, 9:35 PM

    Isthisreal- I thought I could fix him but apparently not it goes way deeper than I imagined I really believe he’s a sex addict I always thought it was me that I wasn’t skinny enough or pretty enough but I have finally realized that I could look like Angelina Jolie and he would still cheat. I’m still trying to get over the OW and the issue with that I was not ready for this. I never felt like I was strong enough to leave but I tell you it takes strength to stay but I’m just not sure I can do it anymore I’m tired of being his doormat! And for him to look me in my eyes and tell me how much he loves me it just angers me.so I’m making a plan and this time it will be all about me and the kids. I’m scared to death I’ve been a stay at home mom for yrs so starting all over is scarey! @ Lisa I’m not sure if I’m going to tell him I know yet because then I gotta hear about how I was snooping in his email and turns it all on me he is very good at that! But in the mean time I will keep checking just to see if he’s gonna actually try to meet up with one of these women. Just plz pray that I have the strength the endure this. By the way ladies I think we should all get together on an island somewhere have a few umbrella drinks and pamper ourselves wouldn’t that be great it could be like a retreat! Thanks for listening

  • isthisreal January 27, 2012, 9:58 PM

    Tina: I am in, just point me to the island! Most women don’t know how strong they really are until the s**t hits the fan! I’m here if you need to talk, sometimes its easier to make plans when you talk to someone who has no assumptions about your past! Just ask Jewels for my email if you need it

  • Tina January 27, 2012, 10:04 PM

    @ isthisreal- thanks so much I just might do that its really hard to talk to other women that haven’t been through it they can be very judgemental. I always hear your so stupid why don’t u just leave I wish it was that easy.

  • Tina January 28, 2012, 3:25 PM

    Ok ladies I need a little advice I made myself a fake profile on the singles website I caught my husband on should I send him something to see if he responds or should I just let it go? Is it ok to set them up to see if the fall for it or am I just setting myself up for more heartache? I’ve been upset all day he kepps asking me what’s wrong,and then he tells me “I love u so much I never want to loose you I will never hurt u again” I wanted to punch him in his face! Why do they go out of there way to make u fEel better when they know there hurting u behind your back?

  • isthisreal January 28, 2012, 5:21 PM

    Tina: I understand your pain and anger but I don’t think more lies and stooping to his level are the answer. If you can confront him about the account in a direct way without breaking down emotionally in front of him then you may get more honesty. And if you get more lies, well then that’s your answer right? But don’t go there if you are not prepared for the truth about him, otherwise you will be stuck in this nasty feedback loop of bad feelings that you never prepared yourself for. This is silly but sometimes it helps to imagine the conversation with all his possible responses and prepare yours ahead of time, that way you are less likely to break down in front of him…

    • Jewels January 29, 2012, 1:25 AM

      Hello Ladies, so much has gone on in the past couple of days with this post….below are some of my comments.

      Eve – I understand your advice that the counselor is giving you to live together if you are trying to work on your marriage, but I hope she is talking about your husband leaving for 3 weeks and the impact on the marriage from that as well. It seems like you need some time to think about if you want to work on the marriage. It seems like he has a handful of lies and women and that is difficult to recover from. He has got to be totally committed and it seems like from your message you are still catching him in lies. I think that you need some time alone to establish your boundaries for leaving. Yes you are in counseling, but while you are in counseling, if you find or discover X, what would be the breaking point. Your husband needs to know that because if you do not set that boundary, he is going to assume that everything is ok, because you are going to counseling. When it should be, here are the boundaries that you can not cross from now on, if you do, it’s over. Counseling would be used as a way to get to understand each other better.

      Oh…and your daughter, I know she loves him so much, but eventually you are going to have to train her to understand that daddy may answer or may not, but that should not impact her mood, because you want to teach her not to let other people make her sad, including parents. It would be a great lesson on self-esteem if she could learn it now, and I think she can using this experience with her dad, it might take some time, but I think she will get there with some coaching. Also make sure she knows that just because he is not answering does not mean that he does not want to talk to you, kids take things personal so easily. I wish you well, I know you are going through a tough time with all of this.

      LisaP – sorry to hear about your mother, how is she doing?

      Tina - I know it feels like someone punched you in the stomach when you find out he is still playing games with the marriage. I almost spit my water out when I read your updated profile for him…lol.

      It’s seems like you are hitting an investigative stage in your recovery, isthisreal is right, you already found what you need. Now the question for yourself is why am I still searching, what am I hoping to find? I know it’s hard with 3 kids and no job, and it’s not like you have to leave tomorrow. Just do some research and make sure you understand your options. Go see a divorce lawyer for a free 30 min consultation just so you can know your rights as a wife just in case you decide to go that rights and options. I know it sucks, they look you right in the face and say i love you, and then login to some sex website a couple hours later.

      L3na – I know many women have already shared some wonderful advice, just know from my experience that men that are really ready to act right don’t hide more, they actually open up more, because they have nothing to hide.

      isthisreal – Thank you for your kind words. You sentence It is not your responsibility to “fix” your spouse should be posted for everyone to see. It’s not, and so many women sacrifice themselves (including me at one point) in order to help and ‘fix’ our husbands. And half the time our husbands don’t even think anything needs to be fixed, yet we are stressing to fix them.

  • Camz aka Death is more than welcome but please not today ... January 29, 2012, 2:09 AM

    Will there be legal ramifications if I start a Facebook account with the name/heading “Beware of OW! She sleeps with married men,” and invite everyone from her community?

    She’s married & what bugs me is that she had an affair & seems like her marriage is still intact & mine is all messed up. I’ve been tempted to hunt her H & let him know of the A. But I don’t want my H to be hurt in the process. I don’t know her H or how he would react.

    The day I found out of the A, I went into my H’s FB account & posted something vile on most of their co-workers’ wall and on his wall, to tell OW to sto F-ing my husband. OW has no FB account so (as I’ve been told) she didn’t know what hit her once she went to work. Everybody’s been talking behind her back. I told my H not to apologize to her. Let’s try & see if anybody else from my H’s work will try to flirt w/ him. I’m still with him. I believe he loves me & our family. I’ve only seen him cry 2x in the 9 years. 1st was the birth of our 1st child together. 2nd was when I told him I have consulted w/ a divorce lawyer (although I really didn’t, was just testing his reaction). He has seen how it has affected me. 10/26/11 was my D-day but not a day goes by that I don’t think about the affair. Every single day … It eats you up. I’m still working on this period of blaming myself, of not stopping it 4 months before D-day when he won’t let me use his cell phone, of not checking our phone bills to see that he had more than 500 texts a month from the slut, of not going with him to an out of state seminar (when he was telling me to go), OW was w/ him in this seminar. Not a day goes by …

    I have this voice in my head that tells me, it is not me. I am not to be blamed for this A. I may have my shortcomings, I may have my faults, but these are not excuses for him to sleep w/ a whore. I’m lucky enough, I guess, that my H owns up to his mistake. He says he is just human, it is his fault he is not that strong to fight off this whore. Although my informant told me that my H had confided in her before A started that the OW won’t leave my H alone. My H was asking what to do with her.

    Well, I haven’t started therapy yet. I think it will be helpful. But first I’ll take a month long vacay w/ my mom in my brth country. 1st vacation by myselk kinda in 9 years. I’ve been a FT housewife. My H has not washed a dish or clothes, nor helped on a single homework for our 3 kids

  • Camz aka Death is more than welcome but please not today ... January 29, 2012, 2:21 AM

    Continuation …

    In 9 years. Now I’m going to go away for me time. My H will be on his own, to be a houseband for a month. If he decides to try to talk to the OW again, well then, he knows what’s next. I will try not to burden myself while on this vacation. I will be pampering myself wih his money. I’ve teased him that he should have As more often so I can go on vacations. Sigh*

    It will get better for us, I pray. We’re here for each other. Ready to listen anytime. And thank you for listening to me tonight.

  • LisaP January 29, 2012, 11:31 AM

    Jewels, Mother in-law is on her death bed. Were just waiting for her suffering to end. My husbands a mess and is saying all sorts of things like, family is everything to me and my boys. It wasn’t until his mother got really sick did he say things like this which just makes me mad inside. He couldn’t see or say these things before/during when he was cheating on me. it’s all about family now, really? Sometime I just want to slap him upside the head and say what took you so long. But I know its all his emotions now taking over.

    Another thing this week Demi Moore 911 call breakdown whatever you want to call it. He was looking her up and trying to figure out what she did, and I said she was probably looking for some relief from all the pain she is going thru. I said I too thought about ending it all and how the world was spinning out of control and that pain is so unbearable at times that you just want to die! He said he was sorry for causing me so much pain and that it was all his fault. So now he understands that pain deep down inside that hurts so much that you think the world would be better off without you. But I never did of course because I have my boys and thats what I told him. He understood, I still have thoughts about those days and that pain that hurts sooo bad. It makes me tear up when I talk about it. But I am strong and I am making changes to better myself and this relationship the best I know how. I even have a job interview tomorrow it’s only p/t but that’s ok.

  • Tina January 29, 2012, 11:54 AM

    Lisa- Its so funny that u would bring up Demi because I was thinking the same thing I too have had those days where I to have had those days I just want the pain to go away and it won’t. But it goes to show u it doesn’t matter who u are how beautiful u are or what u do u can still get cheated on! It took me awhile but I finnally figured out it has nothing to do with me! My husband was saying the same thing about family when he had a cousin drown in a boating accident the day after thanksgiving and it made me mad and I’m having a reaaly hard time believing he means it! I’m taking everyones advice not to bait my husband I don’t need anymore heartache.I guess I still snoop one because I don’t want to be made a fool of and I just don’t trust him.I still haven’t told him I know about the website but he knows something is wrong. I had a migraine yesterday was crying and throwing up all day it makes me physically ill. And this is not even the worst he has done you’d think I could handle this. Also Lisa sorry for your mother n law my prayers go out to you and your family.

  • LisaP January 29, 2012, 2:32 PM

    Tina, do not bate, but do look for things that you know are not right. (Go with your gut, it is never wrong!) Tell him you will not put up with those things. Ask him if you can do these things and see what he says. He won’t like it so why should you! He has to clearly see he is doing damage to you and your marriage. does he really think this is going to make things better?

    My MIL just passed away so I have to hold together my family as my husband falls apart. At least his mother saw us together trying to work on our marriage before she died. He even confessed to his parents about his affair and his alcoholism which I thought he never would. So for the next week my husband I am sure will be sad and will be sayng things like family is everything and it is when it is good. but when it’s bad they can turn on you in an instant!

  • eve January 29, 2012, 3:58 PM

    Thanks so much for the support comments and all the stories help me feel not so all alone. I feel like i am losing my sanity. I am devastated hopeless defeated and infuriates and at the same time can’t atop loving him or let go of my marriage. Mcounaelof asked us to ask forgiveness of one another and then forgive. We did. H told me that he had disclosed all Ans then after counseling 2 days ago i find di force papers. That ow helped him fillout! So once again there IA still more. He says that he was throwing her a bone and never i tenses to go through with it. We own and run a biz together Ans he was trying to get her to so my duties
    Lies lies lies
    He has been telling me he is an alcoholic and he has been hiding it Ans this is the reason for his behavior all these years. I am supposes to believe that she was an alcoholic convenience and parry companion Ans the sex.was a meaningless natural result of that. I must have idiot on my forehead today. They were making plans
    He was so disrespectful of me be let her fill out papers with him. He had clothes there
    He never missed abeat. I am so jury he says he needs me i say he needs someone anyone tofill the slot. I feel as if we are interchangeable to him
    I feel devalued
    I believe i am broken and worry about mu self control Ans sanity
    And all he cansay Is”i thought we were gonna try Ans get past this. You don’t really love me Ans if you can’t be positive there Is no sense in trying to work on it” wtf? Does he not care at all? He acts like IM throwing a hussy bexuz he slammed the door one too many times
    Also ow sent me a note he wrote her on a napkin saying “thanks for a beautiful evening! I have hidden little love Noyes for him to find through out pit whole relationship
    Not once – even though i have asked him too has he ever written me Any note. Also this is a say at a mature park dinner and then sex with porn videos that He planned. Again never once- i have planned many surprise outings for him doing things he enjoys with not even a thank you. I am so hurt and how much more do omees to see that his actions don’t match his words
    I am a strong succeaful woman
    I have been cheated on in arelatipmship once before. And walked. What IA wrong with me? I wish i could just disappear from everything. Thanks for listening. I am lost and going insane

  • Tina January 29, 2012, 9:50 PM

    Lisa- so sorry for your lose my heart goes out to you. I can imagine it may be a little difficult to comfort someone you are angry with. I’m not going to bate him but I kinda feel like I should not put much more effort into the marriage if he’s not 100% I feel as if I’ve done the work and he’s not so I’m not trying anymore its up to him now to show me that he is in this.so we will se.

  • LisaP January 29, 2012, 10:20 PM

    Tina, Thank you for your kind words. When my husband was not wanting to work on us I told him to move out. He did to his parents house. He was 48 at that time, and the second time because I felt it wasn’t right that he asked to come back when I really wasn’t ready but I said yes anyway. But in my gut I knew it was not right. We seperated for 3months, then he was back for 3months, the seperated again for 3months. Each time he came crawling back. The last time I took him coming back it was slowly not all at once. He would go home to his brothers house who is single at age 50, so two lonely men in a house. But he asked to come back so that was why I let him. But you know he never asked to go to counseling or really worked on us. I felt that he was just trying to pretend none of this happened. Until this last july 2011 I got into his cell phone acccount and found he was calling and texting the same OW from 4yrs ago! My heart broke again as I was trying my best to keep the family together while he was F**king her online sending pics back and forth. The shit hit the fan in july and his excuse was he was sick, I said no shit! He only admitted to alcoholism at that time but then I made sure he included sex addiction. The next day after that fight he put his cell phone back on our family plan and found and AA group for help. He had a seperate cell for 4yrs because he wanted to have fun while we were apart. He slept on the couch for 1 month then and we didn’t talk at all unless I had too. I shot those evil eyes at him if I had to look at him. Hate ran threw my blood, then one day he came home with a bunch of flowers and said is this ok? I said yes and he just cried and held me. but it wasn’t the end of it I still had so much anger and told him I still wanted a divorce and I even printed seperation papers for him. He then begged for counseling and till this day we still have gone. But we both know what he did and why he told me and I told him I will never love him the way I use too and can he live with that! He understood and is willing to try and be the man I fell in love with. So 6months have passed and I still have anger we have sex but I fell no passion for him. He is now 52yrs old and having ED problems and I wonder is he thinking of her, or what he has done and that is why he is having problems.

  • tweety January 30, 2012, 6:51 AM

    Hi Ladies, My husband and I are working on our marriage, he is still living outside and we make dates and spend lots of time together while getting counseling and will plan a date to move back in….We both are trying to work on this marriage because WE want to. We have a lot of baggage from before the A, and the question I have is does family members say things to put doubt in your mind since they know the marriage and the past hurts and problems? After 25 years it’s hard to just walk away because of family comments saying “he will never change…he knows you’ll take him back…..etc….” And don’t want to hear the I told you so’s. I try not to think too hard about what family says but it’s hard, just like trying to put our marriage back together….. which is even harder :)

  • T53 January 30, 2012, 11:23 AM

    Hello Everyone. I could use some opinions…
    My husband had an affair (on and off) for almost four years. He never admitted to it until I found him at her home Christmas evening 2010. I called them and knocked at the door, they didn’t respond, they just shut off the lights. My husband stayed the night with her and tried to apologize to me the next afternoon.
    There is so much to this story, too much for this blog, but here’s where I am at now:
    My husband still calls or texts her at least 3 to 4 times a day (yes, they work together, but not in the same facility, they are both “big wigs” at a hospital) he says he cares about her, enjoys her friendship, and doesn’t want to give her up. He has tried very hard several times to get back together with her, but she refuses because he walked out on her. He has stated, to me “Do I want her back” “more than you’ll ever know”. He also says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he says “I bring him calmness”. I do not understand why he contacts everyday. I looked at his phone bill (he has since changed the password) so I am sure of what I am talking about.
    She is younger than I am. Attractive. Not to mention a healthy income. My husband complains she drinks to much…and that he ended it with her because he doesn’t like being told what to do.
    I have to mention that the woman text me when he broke it off with her and said “your hubby said you were separated and getting a divorce” but when I text her back she refused to talk.
    Thanks for reading.

  • Sandy-Sue January 30, 2012, 11:37 AM

    Lisa – sending hugs your way. I can imagine it must be tough trying to be strong for your husband through this difficult time, after what he has put you through. Don’t forget to take care of yourself while you’re taking care of everyone else.

  • Use to be Happy January 30, 2012, 1:11 PM

    So I have been the one to push for us to meet with a lawyer to come up with a separation agreement since he will not move out like he told me he would because he is afraid I will file for abandonment and take the house. Why can these men ever figure out that when we are going thru this, the last thing on my mind is my house? So after a huge fight and him leaving for the night (probably at the OW house even know he said he ended it) he called a lawyer today. Is it normal to feel like I was punched in the stomach, I mean this is what I want right? I don’t know if I am sad because now it feels like it is really over or because I want the marriage. I am so tired of not knowing which end is up anymore.

  • LisaP January 30, 2012, 3:00 PM

    Use to be Happy, I too pushed for the lawyer and we went only to find out we couldn’t afford to divorce unless we sold the house. Which was out of the question at that time so we put the divorce on hold. But that punch in the stomach feeling only makes you realize this is real and your done with bullshit! It hurts and I cried for hours after the meeting thinking Iam ending my family over my husbands affairs. That not knowing which end is up anymore is getting closer that’s why you question everything. My husband asked me after the meeting is this what we really want? I said I didn’t know and we just cried and held on to each other for what seemed like an hour. We never did file but we sure came close. You will know what to do when it’s time.

  • Tina January 30, 2012, 5:11 PM

    So I confronted my husband about the website and he went balistic on me trying to make me feel bad for looking at his e mails n not trusting him so he he turned it around on me just as I knew he would. He told me I had to leave the part that angers me the most is he’s willing to throw the marriage away bc I don’t trust him but yet I’m supposed to forgive him for his affairs hardly seems fair. Not sure what I’m gonna do I really just want to crawl in a ball n die or have the break down I so deserve.not havig a good day at allv

  • Karen January 30, 2012, 6:52 PM

    I have spent the better part of the week reading everyone’s post. It has helped me quite a bit. My husband and I have been married for almost 22 years and have been together for over 24. We have two children and up until this summer time thought we had a very good marriage. He would tell me and everyone we know that his love for me only got stronger and stronger as the years went on. Then in Feb of this year he lost his job (one that he had been working at for over 26 years). The company was bought out and he was one of the people that they laid off. He knew that he would be laid off prior to it happening and becasue of this his attitude started to change. He enrolled in school to get his AAS degreee which was great, and started doing more projects around the house. After about four months of this and not able to find a job he started to change abit. Around June he connected with his first love on facebook and they started communicating. Then in late June we had to travel for a funeral where they meet up face to face, Even with me and our daughter there she followed him around like a puppy dog and stayed at his side the whole time. He was also around her and some of their other friends too. Then after that they really starting communicating. He started to become more distant with me and would go out for walks around the subdivision, when I questioned him he lied to me about it and said that he needed some me time. he told me she was just counseling him becasue of his issues and I told him that I thought that he was having an emotional affair with her. He denied it of course and then in August it became a phsyical affair. I found out about it and called him and confronted him about. He was with her at the time, the next morning after that night. I flew home that day and he returned a week later. He stayed with his brother during that time but saw her during that week. He came home but said that he was in love with her and thinks he never really stopped loving her, he loved me too but not in the way a marriage should be. Around Labor Day weekend I throw him out and he went to stay with her (she lives in another state). He came home after a week, for the reason to see a counselor for the family. That did not go very well, counselor was an idiot. Anyways he still communicated with her whenever I was not home. They had plans to meet and spend 5 days in SC but because of me their plans changed. Then I talked to him and told him as long as he was in this house he was not to communicate with her. We gave it until the end of the year to see what would happen. During that time we talked off and on about thing, talked about the fact that I felt he was having a mid-life crisis and so on. He told me that he felt that he needed to try her out to see if this is what he really wanted, but yet he was sleeping with me. Finally around the end of Nov. I came home one day and told him he needed to leave, and I wanted him gone by the next morning, he packed all his clothes and left the next day and moved in with her. I didn’t say goodbye or talk to him while he was gone, and then 10 days later he sent me an e-mail, saying he believed everything I told him was true. He told me he now believed that he was going thru a mid-life crisis and that he laid awake the night before thinking mostly about me and that he realized that he really did love me. Sending him away him made him realize this and that it had to be hard for me because it was very hard for him to accept. Needless to say he came home, problem is he is still very distant from me and still not sure what he wants. He realizes he is in a depression and until he can figure himself out he can not work on us or really give me what I need or want. He told me that he knows I do not trust him and he also feels that I never will, after what he has done. I told him that until he tells me that he has broken all ties with her I can’t really trust him. He says it is hard for him to try to work on things with me if I am always threatening to throw him out or sue her. In my state I can sue her for having a affair with my H. My emotions are all over the place an am not sure if working on our marriage is what my H really wants. I know I do right now but in his state of mind not sure if it is possible. Question everything, but then think about the fact if he really did trully love her why did he come back here, when he had moved in with her. He left her after only 10 days when she suggested that maybe he needed to go home and since he has been back for the last 1 and 1/2 months has stayed with me. Even when I have told him to go be with her, he keeps coming up with reasons to stay. This confuses me so much.

  • T53 January 30, 2012, 7:24 PM

    Use to be Happy,
    Hi. My husband did the same thing. He said he’d be out by the end of the month (two years ago). When he does stay away (as in tonight) he says he will be staying in the city…he really spends the night with her, but of course he claims “no intimacy” they are just friends. He is angry that I will not accept his friendship with her. I feel like a ping-pong ball. Things are good when I behave (meaning I don’t ask him anything) I am hurting very badly, and at the same time can’t take this situation anymore. I am seeing an Attorney on Thursday.

  • LisaP January 30, 2012, 7:29 PM

    Karen, Why is it that men go back and forth trying to make a decision while still having sex with the OW and us. Because we let them that’s why! We dont want to loose them but we dont want them to stay either. By you putting your foot down he realized what he had. Yes it’s a mid-life crisis, mine had one too. It lasted for 5yrs until I threated him again. He finally chose me after he realized what he had. But if we did this to them, forget about it, they would have never let us back in the house. You need a new therapist that makes him realize he has to stay commented to the decision he makes. No more wishy washy!!!! I hated that feeling, wondering is he coming back or going again. Ugh!!!!

  • LisaP January 30, 2012, 7:34 PM

    T53, Good for you! Keep that appointment and threaten him afterwards. If he can’t make the decision then make it for him! I told my husband many times to be a man and file, he never did because it wasn’t what he wanted! If he is leaving and staying out it is cheating! You deep down he is with the OW.

  • LisaP January 30, 2012, 7:38 PM

    Tina, of course he blamed you for all this, it’s his only response! Because he is guilty as hell! It’s their defense mode kicking in. They lie to our faces about all this stuff even if we have proof! They are not men but boys when they are caught doing something wrong! If he wants to work things out he needs to give you all passwords to all his stuff. He even has other email accts you don’t even know about. My husband had as many a 6 at one time. And what was funny about it is his OW never caught on he was cheating on her too.

  • T53 January 30, 2012, 7:51 PM

    Thank you LisaP.
    I am amazed at what I’ve been reading on here…WOW!
    I am exhausted from this situation, and you are correct, he doesn’t have the “ovaries” to file himself.
    This is so hard to do. I will be starting over at age 53. I am scared, lonely, and worried about my future. I think these are also the reasons I stayed in the situation for so long.
    Thank you so much for your response.

    • Jewels January 30, 2012, 9:29 PM

      Hey Everyone!

      Camz aka Death is more than welcome but please not today … – YOU TIME – first time in 9 years, I am super excited for you. I know you posted about fb and the OW, I wouldn’t, just because she is not worth your time!! Live it up in your time off, your husband is going to be a mess, but don’t you worry yourself over it. Relax and have fun.

      LisaP – oh…it’s your mother in law, sorry to hear about your loss, I know dealing with a death of a close one within the family can be stressful. How did the interview go? I know you mentioned the sex without passion, it was the same for me, too much hurt to think of sex with him as pleasurable, this is difficult.

      Eve – sending virtual hugs to you, you are in so much pain. I was there, I never in a million years thought I would be as hurt as I was because of cheating, never. But I realized I had wrapped my entire self-worth into my husband over time. So it was painful rebuilding myself but I did it, and if I can do, you can as well, trust me.

      Tweety – You mentioned family – family typically are giving you advice without knowing the whole story and without having experience what you have, so take it from that perspective. At the same time, sometimes family can see things that you can see yourself. It depends on how they deliver the information. My sister in law pointed out to me that I kept defending his cheating, and I could tell it was annoying her. I had no idea I was doing it until she pointed it out, just it just depends on what they say. If you do not feel there intentions are good, do not listen, they are already making a bad situation worse, that is the last thing you need in your life right now.

      T53 – I agree with LisaP, he has got a good setup and will continue until you put your foot down and refuse to accept it anymore. What do you do for him, do you cook, clean, etc.? Of course you have to make your own decision but in my opinion being a wife is something that a husband deserves. He has to do his part, he stops doing his part, you can’t continue doing yours, or else there is no incentive for him to stop seeing her. I know he says you bring him calm, but that is not an excuse to do what he does. I think it’s also time for you to evaluate if you really want to be with him. Take Care – hugs.

      Hello Karen,

      Welcome. Yes, it seems your husband is confused. I know it’s very painful to have your husband not be confident in wanting to be with you. I know he is going through a rough time, and as a wife, you can be there for him. But marriage is not about being there for someone and getting disrespected in the process. I left my husband, but I feel like I was still there for him, I think it is possible (I am not suggesting you leave, just sharing a part of my story). You can give him some time, but he needs to know that it is not fair to you, nor will you be sitting there waiting for him, it’s just not fair to you and will literally drive you crazy. You know your husband and what conversations should take place, and I hope whatever happens works out for you.

      Tina

      Your husband is so making you feel guilty for getting caught. This is very common, they are in the wrong, and you leave the conversation feeling horrible, like you did something. I took this type of punishment for a long time until I finally realized he is playing games. He is projecting his anger for himself onto me, and I started not accepting it anymore. Tina you know in your heart what you saw, don’t even listen to what he says, he is just saying that to make himself feel better. So he is going to talk more about you snooping than what you actually found? Not cool, he is trying to avoid the conversation. Always remember, regardless of what he says Tina, you have a choice, and it does not have to be the one that he suggests. Hugs.

  • LisaP January 31, 2012, 8:21 AM

    HelloLadies, I thought I keep you all posted on my dealing with my husbands mothers death. So for the past week she was in the hospital and they waited for her to die which she did on Sunday. So everyday since beenig hospitalized my husband hasn’t been home but with his father and siblings making funeral arrangements. The woman wants to be cremated and her ashes thrown away (her words to my father in-law) Well against her wished they are having an open casket viewing for family that didn’t get to say goodbye and then two weeks later she will be cremated and then stored as a graveyard with others on an open table. so I brought this up to my husband are you guys following her wished or what makes you all feel better. Well that started the fight! He said I am not being supportive and that it’s his fathers wishes to do this and his parents are strong catholic people. In my mind I am saying bullshit! Because only the mother was, her husband cheated on her for yrs and was even caught by the kids and now they are being all reglious? Such hypocrites the whole family!!! Because now she is dead they are all God fearing even my husband! I just don’t get why they put on a show like everything was so good. Mybe I am just still so made at my H for not being God fearing when he cheated on me! I did apologize to him for my questions and won’t talk about it again . Was I out of line?

  • LisaP January 31, 2012, 10:38 AM

    sorry for the spelling errors, I meant Mad not Made ……update he just came into the room and apoloigized to me for being so tense and angry that I am not supporting him. (Oh and get this, they want this big elaborate funeral but don’t want to ask their father to help pay for it!) We don’t have money to spare since I am not working. Am I being too bitchy?

    It makes me think, men still do want they want even when we re dead, even if it’s against our wishes! Or maybe it’s just the men in this faimly that I am attached too.

  • LisaP January 31, 2012, 4:14 PM

    Ok I just talked to my mom and she said I am over reacting to this funeral stuff. Maybe I am and she also said I am so mad that I am angry at his family too. That I need to let it go. So I will try to let it go and move one with whatever happens in my life and take it one day at a time. So that is my new montra! Let it go!

  • Ella January 31, 2012, 4:58 PM

    Oh LisaP – (First — sorry for your family’s loss). And I completely understand your feelings. I think your feelings come down to those of lack of respect — no respect for your mother-in-law’s wishes — that were just overridden. You are a good person — so of course you would be mortified by their behavior and disregard for her feelings. Kind of feels familiar, right?. I deal with this on my end and see it with my stepchildren and their treatment of their father. I have to bite my tongue and not speak up when it’s total disrespect. Ugh. Just let it go in your mind — try to detach. On another note — I do have to vent/question…..I’m scared about Valentine’s Day — it will be a year anniversary since his EA (with kissing and the L word — caught it before it had progressed — but it was heading that way) — I don’t want to get him a card, have not put out decorations, no cards to anyone except my parents and grandmother. That’s it. Grrr… I hate that my H and that OW ruined a holiday I used to enjoy. But he had two Valentine’s last year — makes me sick when I think about it. Any advice on how to get through this day and re-write the holiday? Anyone ever go through something like this? My husband wants to celebrate it and is so upset that it upsets me so much. Men can just compartmentalize and I suppose their feelings just go away — but we are left with the pain. I had a meltdown after a dinner this past weekend. A friend turned 60 and they did the photos to music video — and the wedding pictures with his wife/kids from way back. The stories were how he pursued his wife and how she turned him down — but he finally caught her……made me sick and very sad that we won’t have that story now — I asked my husband what our story will be. He said that we will have “made it” and made it better. He is really trying — but I’m still just so angry at times. Hoping this subsides soon. It ticks me off that she “got one over” — and got his attention. Oh well. I’m going to “let it go” — she probably is now dealing with her fall-out — as I had told her H about it — :)

  • LisaP January 31, 2012, 5:52 PM

    Ella, How about picking another day for you two to acknowledge a new start? Something in the spring that can be just your day without any other reminders. The two of you can pick it together and plan for a special something (dinner, movies, a little get away). He is just going to have to understand that the old day doesn’t work for you anymore. Maybe in the future but not now! Ask him and see what he says.
    Ella thank you for understand my anger and thoughts regarding my MIL I really thought I was alone in this for awhile.

  • Karen January 31, 2012, 7:44 PM

    Tina,
    My husband said the same thing to me, that I do not trust him and he believes i never well again. He walked into my work the other day when I was on the computer checking my work work e-mails and asked if I was checking up on him. Thing is I can not really trust him as I told him because he has not really cut ties with the OW. He is still emotionally attached to her. Not sure where we are going because one minute he is distant and the next he is not. Not sure if it is the guilt, depression or his feelings for her. If he really wants her why did he come back when he had already moved in with her. That confuses me. It is very hard to work on your marriage after an affair, let alone when your husband is depressed and dealing with mid-life crisis. Just not sure how to handle things. I still love him and want to work on our marriage, but when he is not really doing anything to change things it is very hard. The one good thing about this affair is that I have learned to like myself more andhae a good self esteem. Which is another my husband seems to resent. Not sure what path to take and I am very tired of this whole drama taking up so much thoughts of my day.

  • LAD February 1, 2012, 9:12 AM

    Wow, everyone, wow. It’s good, yet very, very sad to know there are so many of us going through so much pain. I’ve spent two days reading all the posts on this site, and like most of you, would have never thought I’d be here. But I am. I will start by saying my marraige of 20 years had become more-or-less, like an arrangement, like living with a roommate. The real distance between us probably started about three years ago. We had recently moved (AGAIN!!!), and our son (now 16) (we have a 12 year old daughter as well) was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome (a form of mild autism). He had started getting into trouble with a like minded friend, and school was becoming more and more difficult for him. Not that his behaviors were new, because he had always been a difficult child diagnosed with ADHD and OCD. But this new diagnosis made everything we had been experiencing and dealing with since he was 2 make sense. But it started tearing us apart. I am practical and always saw the potential for my son getting in trouble, but my husband was STILL, after 14 years of issues with him, in denial. Things continues to get worse, and we continued to work with our son, but we did not work on US. I basically locked myself in our home, started watching ridiculous amounts of TV and gaining weight. My husband started drinking more and replaced me with our son. They were always close, but they really started bonding more and hanging out fishing, playing golf, hunting, etc. etc. It really wasn’t bad, but it was like there was no us anyomore. Just them.

    Fast forward to now. I have been in therapy for 3 years. Mostly because of my son and his issues, but also mine. And the fact that I do nothing for myself. Just my husband and kids. Things have been getting better. I’ve lost 25 pounds…many more to go :). I’ve started caring about myself, and I’ve tried to re-connect with my husband.

    On Monday…yes, two days ago, I got a call from someone (OW’s H) saying he thought there might be something going on with his W and my H, and I thought he was crazy. Seriously, my H is the last guy in the world that would have done this. Right??? I told him I was certain he was wrong, but that I would keep an eye on things. I mean I really told him he was barking up the wrong tree here. Nothing to worry about. Worry about your wife, not my H. Anyway, I couldn’t let go of it since my husband had just been on a work get-a-way with a large group all of last week. He got home Thursday, and to be honest, he had been acting strange and TOTALLY distant.

    I texted him at work and told him to call me, which he did. I told him about the call, but didn’t mention names, and he insisted that he was not having an affair, but would come home immediately to talk about it. The OW is my H’s secretary. Nice, right? How cliche’. Anyway, we sat down on Monday night to talk and I felt very foolish, like I was going to be set straight. He told me that he had drunk too much, and that he had been texting the OW during the night and asking her how things were going in her marraige (things have been bad there for quite some time). He went to bed before her, and others, and says he didn’t lead her on, sexually. She came to his room about two hours later, and they were “inappropriate.” Since that night I’ve gotten much more out of him. Yes, they had sex. Yes, he wore a condom. (YUCK…had he planned this??? He says no). But it was the only time. They’d talked, occasionally about their marital problems with eachother for about 6 months, he said. I DO believe that it was the only time they had sex. I feel like vomiting as I write this. It makes it very real. Anyway, I know that our relationship had been tanking. We had been taking eachother for granted and had basically started to ignore eachother, and our son’s problems had overwhelmed us. 6 months ago, we sent our son to a boarding school that specializes in high schoolers with Asperger’s Syndrome. It has been the best thing we could have ever done for him, but my husband was angry and sad about it. And I’ve learned through these past few days of talking with him, that even though he knew I had always been right about what we needed to do for our son, it killed him inside and he shut himself off from me.

    OW is trying to work things out with her husband, she is looking for another job at another company (good luck in this economy), or at least a transfer. My H unfriended her on FB and I believe everything he has said. He made a mistake, admits alcohol is no excuse, and if I need to leave him he understands, but he loves me, is IN love with me, and this made him realize it. I didn’t get that part, because over the last 6 months, we’ve said things to eachother that weren’t nice, but I’ve been trying to get him to open up. He told me once he would never leave me because of the children. Well, I brought that statement up yesterday and said he shouldn’t stay with me because of the children if he doesn’t love me or want me. He said making this mistake and the fear and pain it has caused in him has made him realize that he wasn’t afraid to lose the kids. He was afraid to lose me.
    He came home from work crying (I’ve only seen him cry 5 other times: twice when our dogs’ died, when his father almost died, when our son left for boarding school, and now.) He called out priest and went in right away to talk to him.

    It’s been a whirlwind of emotions. Many of them good and positive. Yes…we were heading nowhere. Now we are talking and positive and want to start over. But the pain and hurt is still there, and the vision of them together is sickening. He gets it, has answered all my questions and knows that he was wrong, he’s been selfish and unresponsive to me for months, will never do it again, never should have in the first place, and he loves ME.

    Am I a fool to believe him??? I do believe him. I adore him.

    SORRY so long………

  • T53 February 1, 2012, 9:20 AM

    Hi Karen.
    Isn’t it a sad day when you realize you are sick of hearing about your/our own drama….I am completely with you on this thought process.
    All the best to everyone.

  • isthisreal February 1, 2012, 9:59 AM

    Tina, your husband is angry at you saying you will never trust him but he is not earning any trust through his actions. Signing up for a site like sexsearch is not appropriate when you are married with a family and he knows it. He is using intimidation and emotional blackmail to get what he wants and that is not healthy or warranted since the mistake was his. I hope you find a resolution to this situation that will make you happy, you deserve better!

  • Ella February 1, 2012, 11:30 AM

    LisaP — thank you for your idea — I like it actually. I just CAN’T do Valentine’s Day – so another day would be better – and I think he would be open to that as well. That works for me and would be something moving forward that we can use to remind each other of why we decided to work things out. Just stinks that we all have had to go through this to get here.
    LAD from USA — UGH — I notice a pattern on this site that is very revealing. I think people act out when they are under stress, bored, or are feeling badly about themselves. The thrill of someone new showing an interest and someone to commiserate with makes them feel better about themselves. It could be anyone — but these people are available then as well. And so it’s easy. I always say women have most of the power and are the ones who give the “green light” signals to men. And the men jump on the bandwagon. And many women are looking for the “upgrade” and will do anything to get it. We get left in the dust with all of their issues and deceit. Women are much better at handling problems because we have more outlets — Men don’t — so they cheat. That’s an outlet for not facing life head on. Once the A is out in the open and reality hits, they run — that’s not what they want – -they want the fantasy of no responsibilities, someone who is always happy, someone who tells them how great they are. yes — the fantasy of what an A brings. No commitment, no bills, no real issues — you can be someone you really aren’t. And we have to help clean up the mess. Hopefully this horrible event can lead to positive changes moving forward (whatever they may be) — and that we can all learn from the lessons. I am a work in progress and it’s been almost a year. So it’s a long journey — but one I think we can beat.

  • SSR from SC February 1, 2012, 2:21 PM

    Just found out that my husband is up to his old tricks again. He has a record of having secret and innapropriate conversations (e-mail, text, phone, and the infamous facebook) with other women. Always claims he’s never slept with anyone else. We just had a baby 4 months ago and found out when I was about 7/8 months preggo that he had been having secret lunches with an old friend while he was supposed to be checking on his dad and spending time with his brother. I left him after that. Went and stayed with friends for a weekend with my son. Came back home because I was 7/8 months pregnant and I didnt want to bring a newborn and all my drama to their home on a long term basis. I felt like he had been hiding something recently so like I’ve done so many times before I prayed and asked God that if my husband was hiding anything inappropriate to please reveal it to me. And like so many times before, God did. My husband NEVER leaves his phone around. So I found it to be quite odd that he left his phone at home after leaving for work. Mind you this was the very next day after I had prayed this prayer. The phone is usually in his possession (hand, pocket, etc.) or if he’s walked away from it, he’s locked it. This time it was neither in his possession, nor was it locked. There was an incoming text sent that morning from a woman who I did not know asking him when was his birthday. After I called her from his phone she informed me that she did not know he was married and that they met on E-Harmony. To add insult to injury, my husband and I met on E-Harmony 5 years ago. She said they met about a month ago and that he mentioned that he had two sons (which we do, one is my step) but never mentioned the baby and of course did not mention me :) When I told him that we (the other woman and I ) had spoken he began his usual deflection game and wanted to fuss at me about going through his phone, but I told him we were not going down that path again and that if he wanted to talk about this situation we could and if not its fine with me. It’s been about 5 days and he has not brought it up. He’s sleeping primarily on the couch and neither of us are wearing our rings (he stopped wearing his a while ago, said it hurt his finger) We are parenting the kids (me more than he) and are being civil but thats about it. I dont have the money to leave now. Im unemployed with a new job on the horizon. I dont look forward to being a single mother of two, in fact my dream was to be a stay at home mom but all that’s changed. I’ve been praying for my husband for a while now but I realize that God had been speaking to and dealing with my husband. My husband just does not want to change. It’s time to go. My son deserves an better example of a man and my daughter needs to see a better example of a woman. I love him but I’m not sure if I am in love with him anymore. I will keep you all in my prayers.

    Man has no hurt that Jesus cannot heal.

  • Sana February 2, 2012, 1:58 AM

    Hi,
    I have been reading this site and cannot believe there are so many women in as much pain as I am right now. I found out my husband of 16 years had a year-long affair about 5 years ago and others in varying degrees since then. He has been deployed for a year, home for a year and then deployed for the past year, returning in November. I was so happy he was coming home finally, but have felt for a long time that something was just not right in our marriage. I knew he was not happy because I was overweight and I was unhappy because even before his deployments he was never home much and I worked full time, took care of our sons, and most of the domestic stuff around the house. During this time we also went through the loss of both of his parents, and he became very emotionally distant from me. I suspected an affair for years, and in hindsight was too afraid to find out the truth, so I really did not know what to expect when he returned. A few days after he returned on the day we were heading for home, he had to go to the base and I stayed at the hotel. As glad as we had been to see each other, I just felt that something was off so checked his phone which he did not take because it would not work stateside. There were texts to not one, but four different women. One, a high school friend had quite a few texts in which she said she loved him and was explicit about him and the text sex and he replied he was thinking of her. Another, also a high school GF he told he missed her voice. The third had only one text saying someone reminded him of her. The fourth he texted that he could not wait to be wrapped around her, obviously someone who was in country with him. I was devastated. I actually almost passed out, sank to the floor, got so nauseated I threw up and could only sit there and shake until he returned. Well, he admitted to text sex with the HS GF’s but said the others were a buddy’s texts because internet was so difficult, they shared phones and he turned it on me saying it was because i did not call him often enough. We were going home for Thanksgiving and a buddy of his was coming along with us, so i felt that i had to act normal. When he had to go to his unit a few days later, I found pictures of a few women and some email adresses in his stuff and confronted him with them. He admitted text sex, but denied again having an affair over there or before, saying buddies used his phone due to lack of internet service. He said he loved me and wanted to work things out. He had to leave again for three weeks and texted or called me every day saying he loved me and he deleted his email and facebook accounts. I sent him a letter saying I knew he had been unhappy in our marriage & unhappy with my weight and asked him about the women again and told him if he was in love with someone else, I would let him go, but if he loved me to come home. he wrote saying he had NOT had any physical affairs, loved me and wanted to come home to me and our sons. We were so happy and together when he got home and it was good except one thing kept nagging at me. The one text to the woman who he said someone reminded them of her was also the unexplained one in the pictures, he denied knowing who she was even though her name was on the back of the picture. I asked him point blank if he had an affair with her and he gave a big sigh at first and I thought he was going to tell me, but he denied it and denied knowing who she was. The next night, Christmas after he went to sleep, I looked in a hard drive he had for any pics of her (he tore up the other pictures) and found something much worse. A video of them having sex. Yep, talk about a devastating, soul destroying way to find out about an affair, even an old one. I don’t know this man. This is not the husband I have loved for years. He says it was over a long time ago and that he was stupid and he is sorry and that he loves me, but if he was so sorry, why did he contact any other women since then? He says it was simply for sex because i would not call him very often. This was true because quite frankly, I did not think he was in love with me any more. I don’t know what to believe. I am sick inside, but staying for now. He is being very good to me, but does not want to talk about it any more although when we finally did talk straight up, he was very honest about everything, brutally so on himself and me. He said he lied because it was in the past and he did not want to hurt me any more than I already was about the texting. I believe he really loves me and wants to make it work, but I’m just not sure if love is enough. I have always and still do love him with heart and soul, but I cannot live terrified that it will happen again whenever he is not with me. He has said that this is his F@@@ up and he is to blame and he still says he loves me, but I feel like two different people right now. The one who loves him and is so glad to be back in his arms and the one who hates what he did and how he treated me who just wants to either hit him or walk out the door. Mostly I just cry instead. The only upside, if there is one is that over the year he was gone, I lost 25 pounds and in the last 2 months have lost 30, so I’m feeling confident about me anyway. Sorry this is long, I just needed to get it all out. Thanks for “listening”.

  • Rhonda February 2, 2012, 12:38 PM

    I have been doing tons of research on how to deal with my husband’s affair. It is so sad to read all these posts and see how often this really happens to all kinds of good women. My husband also cheated on me. Our marraige was not a good one, as i was completely involved as the sole caregiver for my four kids while he watched me struggle. He grew up with no father and no home life and I don’t think he understands the bond of a family. I know he felt left out with myself and my kids, but I was as unhappy as he was and I didn’t look for someone else to fill his void. He had an emotional affair for a year and a half. My youngest child was a year and a half when it began. I had no idea. I found out a week after Thanksgiving by accident when I saw his e-mail. I was devastated. He lied at first and said she was just a friend and it was only e-mails. My gut told me different. I checked our phone record as far back as I could and sure enough there were thousands of calls at all times of the day. Almost every day. There were periods where the calls would stop and then start up again. When confronted again he said how sorry he was it was such a mistake. Told me they never met it was nothing more than friends and good conversation for him. I found out after talking to her and her husband that they had met on several occasions and that the husband had actually discoverd out about them back in February of last year, but that wasn’t enough to stop either of them. My husband was friends with her husband before he met her and their daughter plays on his softball team. The daughter actually quit the softball team last year and he told me it was because their parents were having marital problems and she had to stay at home. Little did I know those marital problems were becuase of him and her mom. I still get so sick when I think of all the details and how I was always home by myself with the kids when he was flirting and talking with this woman for hours when he quit talking to me a long time ago. I have stayed and agreed to work things out, but this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my whole life. I will have a couple good days and then some bad one where I can’t get my head on straight. I have to hold strong in front of my four kids 8, 6, 4, and 3, because I am their life and if I fall apart, then so will they. Some days i just want him away from me so that I don’t have to process the pain and then sometimes I think I can’t get enough of him. I don’t know which of those feelings to trust. My whole life has been destroyed and I feel like I have to start over and I don’t even know where to start. I lost myself with my marraige and my kids a long time ago and am not sure how to find myself again. He seems sincere with this has cut off all ties with her, has answered my questions, has comforted me when I am at rock bottome, but somehow I feel like he should be doing more. I don’t know if I should stay or if I should just stay aways. Any advice?

  • Michelle February 2, 2012, 7:48 PM

    Hi,
    It has taken me 18 months and a great deal of courage for me to actually tell someone other than my daughter (25 now) who knew before I did, that my husband of 27 years had an affair for 4 years up until 18 months ago when our daughter confronted him. I thought our marriage was a good one, well me being the dutiful, unquestioning wife following him from one country to another for his career, never questioning and never being asked how I felt about it all. The final move being to Australia where I was dumped on the new cattle station owned by the company he was working for, in the middle of nowhere, all alone, for the better of the family and the fact that he did not want to continue staying in hotels each time he came over. He travelled between two countries running the operations, still partying every weekend in the country I had moved from and he was based, and not actually having given up any friends or part of his life. I was never so alone in all my life and within 6 months he was having an affair in the other country, moved her in and flaunted their life together very publically. So all our friends there new everything except me. I started picking up little things, and am sure you all know how it is, you push them aside and don’t really acknowledge them. Then I landed up in hospital and he flew over and sitting in the intensive care unit, me drugged out of me skull on medication, he tells me that he is going to end it. Like the fool that I am, I just looked at him and said nothing. Needless to say that was a total lie and he continued his very public affair. Christmas of 2009 was a total disaster, our daughter and her boyfriend came to the cattle station for Christmas, they had a terrible argument about the company that her and I had just opened and he was not a part of. That was the beginning of the end and I knew it. I have never seen him behave like he did and knew that it was the end of our family. He left to go back to his base country and my daughter confronted me with all she knew about the affair, and boy was it a lot. Friends of hers had been telling her but she did not believe it until I confirmed it. This tipped the scales for her and she became annorexic, and me, well needless to say I could not stop crying. He had no idea of all the drama he had caused and continued on his merry life. He changed jobs so I had to move out the company house and to the same city as our daughter, and now had to deal with another move, buy a house and deal with an annorexic, if anyone has dealt with this you will know exactly how they behave, which added even more to my tears and sadness. She finally contronted him, see, not me, I just stay quiet, knowing that I will get the blame anyway so what is the use of getting further put down and made to feel more insignificant and useless. He got rid of her, well at least I think so, I am now very doubtful of anything and totally untrusting. I have spent the last 18 months in such a downward spiral, reached the bottom, still never said an angry word to him and continue life when he comes over here as if nothing has happened, his words, “You must just forget about it now”. In your dreams boy. It was not until January this year that I realised that I had to pull myself back, am trying so hard, and found this site and contacted Jewels, and now have written here. I am still dumbfounded as to how he could do this, am sure you all know the feelings of foolishness, embarrasement and the list goes on. I try hard everyday now to think of something good and am determined to climb my way out, and just knowing that there are other ladies out there that can share this would be a tremendous help. No one can understand unless it has happened to them. Now I have to find the courage and strength to find my way back and achieve the things I want, but oh boy do I have some bad days. I can only take each day as it comes and have no idea how to even. I do not want to be this person that he has made me into, but am very afraid. Think I should stop now, but thank you for being able to start using my voice.

    • Jewels February 2, 2012, 9:10 PM

      Hello Everyone,

      LAD – No you are not a fool for believing him. You said you had grown distance through the years, and unfortunately he has a woman that was already close to him through work take advantage of the distance in the relationship. Now I am not letting your husband off the hook, I am just saying that it happens. If it was truly a one night stand, that is great, this could of turned into something much further if they work together. The OW is trying to get another job, which is great, they probably are very uncomfortable with each other now that it is out with you and the other husband. Most people that go through similar situations end up discovering their husband’s again. They also discover themselves, I don’t want you to leave that part out because I know you mentioned it was all about the kids and him. You have to make time for you. It seems like through your message that you have thought about this situation in detail especially the events leading up to it. Self-reflection is really important in this progress, so that’s great. It’s also good that he is being open, un-friended her, and trying do everything he can to make it right, not all husbands do that. You might recommend that he takes personal therapy as well to get a deep dive into why he did what he did, I can only see that as helping the both of you. And I thank you for speaking about your son and the impact on the marriage, kids are definitely challenging to a marriage, but many won’t admit it. I hope he is doing well at his specialty school, that’s great that he can be among people with the same condition, I can see that doing wonders to his confidence! Take Care, take things one day at a time.

      SSR from SC – Powerful story, very similar to mine, I was obsessed with finding out what he was doing. Then I let it go, told him I was going to stop bugging him and bringing up the affair, then prayed to the universe to show me the direction, couple of days later, she contacts me via facebook. I left for the same reasons, and I as well was literally terrified of raising kids alone, but you know what, I have been on my own for over a year, and I thought I would be stressed out, overwhelmed, depressed, and it didn’t happen that way. I actually left and for the first time had time to discover myself. Yes life isn’t perfect, but man it’s better than being stressed all the time. I learned to create a strong support system to help with the kids, and actually do not feel bad for using that support system. I wish you the best, you will be alright when you do leave (it took me a while to leave as well for financial reasons).

      Sana – They typically lie and deny until there is absolute proof. Sorry to hear, I can literally feel the hurt, I remember those days of unreal pain. As I was reading through your story, his excuses did not feel right at all, his friend using the phone, ‘just friends’ but sexting, and pics, so when you wrote the part of the hard drive, I was still shocked to hear what you found, but in a weird way, I am glad that the truth is out, because again his story was not adding up and it just didn’t feel good.

      I know you are beyond devastated, and unfortunately, this stage of recovery is one that can not be skipped, you have to let it go through it’s course, it is not fun, amazing how you lose your appetite, but remember it is a phase. No need to put anymore pressure on yourself in deciding what to do, you will have time for that process, now it just time to breathe, eat, and try to grab on to anything that puts a smile on your face. Virtual Hugs to you!

      Rhonda A year and a half, crushing. I only have two kids, but I remember being SO pissed, because I believe that my husband changed his schedule in order to be with her more, which meant while I was pregnant, tired, stressed out, I had to care for them without no help. He never actually admitted to the schedule change, but I just know it. To know that he was just sitting there relaxing with her while I was stressing infuriated me.

      I can tell you are really trying to understand how you can do this with 4 small kids. You are right, you have to be strong for them. If I were you before I actually left I would do two things. Pick up a book on kids and divorce, there is one called Helping Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles way, read that so that you can know what to expect, that helped me a lot. Also, I lost myself as well, I felt like I did not have any support other than my husband. So before I left, I started focusing on building a support system. I used to feel bad asking friends to help, now I realize that I am actually giving them a break from their life in having them watch the kids. Search for people in your life that can give you a break with the kids, you are going to need, and demand from yourself that you deserve and need that break. Your husband not helping out all these years may of conditioned you to believe that you do not deserve at break, but you absolutely deserve it and will need it as you start on your new path. Take Care – you will find the strength you need to do this.

      Michelle – Thanks for sharing your story, I know we have communicated a couple of times. I can tell even by you sharing your story you are gaining strength little by little each day, I can tell by the way that you write. I love how you are determined to fight for you and get yourself back, do ever give up on that fight, there are amazing things in store for you, keep fighting to feel good!

  • Michelle February 3, 2012, 12:27 AM

    Hi there,
    It is just so amazing to see how many of us there are, and how broken these men have made us feel. I am very determined to find me again and will fight, even though I have some very bad days, just knowing I am able to chat with you has made such a difference, not keeping this all inside will help me to heal slowly but surely. I still don’t understand how anyone can hurt another person in this way. I suppose that is the question we all would like answered. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone and thinking the way I have been and feeling the way I do. It must have just been time for me to take the mask off and stop hiding all this . At least I don’t cry every day now.

  • Tina February 3, 2012, 3:55 PM

    Hey ladies sorry been out of the loup for a few days been doing some soul searching. U are so right about him trying to intimidate me about confronting him he is so mad that I’m still looking at his emails and that I still don’t trust him. He says I’m just looking to find something and I just want to stay miserable! I told him don’t give me anything to find and that its his fault I’m like this he did this to me! And his trust has to be earned! If I have to deal with his affairs then my god he can deal with my trust issues I think that’s a small price to pay considering what I’ve been through!

  • Mia February 3, 2012, 8:26 PM

    I have been married for 5 year with a military guy. We had never lived together due to his job and my education. Living separated over all these years, we were still happy everytime we saw each other. I caught him cheating just before Christmas. The woman was a stripper. We have been going to therapy since I asked him to go and try to work on this marriage. Now my issue is that he excused his affair (he refuses to call it cheating since they never had sex, although he paid the stripper to get breast implants). His excused is that it is my fault because the way to “belittle” him over the years. I always thought he was just a winey baby and I knew that he had self-steam issues (we confirmed with the therapist now). We have been working on this for 1 month, and we live in different countries due to work. I tried to stay home with him after all the events and he sent me home because he was overwhelmed with my presence and that he needed time and space to make the decision if he wanted to stay with me or not. Remember, he was the one that cheated. I agreed to leave and give him space. He has come honest and told me that he really thought our marriage was over when he started the affair and he was just scare to ask me for the divorce, and he was waiting for me to come home for Christmas to ask me for it. Well, I found out about his affair very soon. Now I do not know what to do. I present him the divorce and he refused to sign them. I then back out of the divorce too, and we both did this twice. He now tells me that he does not loves me the way he used to and that he really want us to try this marriage. I am hurt and scare he is going to cheat or that he will tell me in a few weeks or months that it is not working for him. Should I stay or leave?

  • Stacy February 5, 2012, 10:58 AM

    I stumbled upon the site but so glad that I did this morning. My husband and I have been married going on 13 years and I have found text messages but never had any real evidence until a month ago. We have been having serious problems for the last couple of years and I can be honest and say that sex totally went away. Once we laid all of our cards on the table just before Christmas I said I wanted a dovorce but he said we could start over and everything would be alright. We have had the best time every since Christmas. Sex has been oh so regularly and we have been having Friday night talks weekly just so we can make sure that we are both giving the other what they need. I send him bible scriptures to work every morning and we discuss them and always find a way to apply them to our marriage. Unfortunately I found out he was going to hook up with the woman he promised me was a thing of the past. I am doing everything in my power and giving him everything he said he wasnt getting. His answer is we will get past this and he is embarrassed and so sorry. Ladies am I a fool to believe this man again? In my heart I know I should put him out but financialy I cant take care of all this alone. I can if I put more money to the side which is the plan I have in place. In 6 months time I can handle it on my own. Am I wrong for planning this? I have a heavy heart this morning and dont know where to turn.

  • Michelle February 5, 2012, 5:30 PM

    Hi ladies. Trust, I don’t think I will ever trust him again, mainly for the fact that he has not even once asked what all this has done to me or how I feel, all he says is that I must just forget about it, he is not actually intereted in talking, as long as he feels fine, it must be all good. I am very fortunate that he works overseas so I only see him for short periods at a time a few times a year, all his choice, not mine. He phones nearly every day, but for the last 6 years he has always done this, even when he was cheating, am not sure that he still isn’t as he was so good at lying. I still feel like a total fool and although I am fighting so hard to find me again I have really bad days and am so lonely, doing this for 6 years now and just realising what I really want has made me see things that I was not seeing before, just how lonely and scared I am, what to do, where to go, even how to go forward. So for now I try and take each day as it comes stay positive and find my strength and learn to think about what is best for me for the first time in my life , so Stacy I know how you feel and at least you have the ability to plan and this gives you options and choices. I only have faith that I will find a way. I can’t even check up like you all can, so basically go on instinct just by things he says. I hope we can all find it in ourselves to be true to ourselves, going to take some doing though.

    • Jewels February 7, 2012, 10:16 PM

      Hello Everyone!!
      Tina – Yes, it’s such a diversion when they do that, when I first caught my husband flirting with girls online he actually said – “I meant for you to see that” his thing was he was teaching me a lesson about snooping. I was so so confused from that….but now I realize it’s just a trick for us to get the attention away from what they did. Sometimes I think cheating men get together and collaborate or something, so similar.

      Mia – It’s a hard call whether or not to stay or leave. I can tell you my opinion of what I think your husband might be thinking. It seems like he has not accepted responsibility for his actions, because he is blaming you. And a man that blames the wife for the affair is not at the point where he can work on the relationship because the ‘work’ includes blame. Once he accepts responsibility for his actions, that is where true healing begins. Some men can do this, and some men can not. The ones with the self-esteem issues typically find it hard to accept responsibility, because that would mean they are ‘bad’ etc. so they refuse to accept it. I felt my husband kept blaming me because it made him feel better about what he did. I admit, I was not a perfect wife, but the act of him having an affair he has to take responsibility for his actions.

      The other thing I noticed is that he still seems attached/involved with the women in some way. It just appears that way because he asked you to leave, now he wants you back. He seems confused. Now he wants to work on it, but what you have to get at is why? Why now? And what action is he going to take to prevent it. You both do not live together so trust is really everything. Men sometimes feel there self-esteem is wrapped up in the image of a ‘husband’ and do not want to let that go. So I just think it’s time to ask him a few questions, watch and observe to see if he is really committed or just talk. If he is really committed, there will be action attached to what he is telling you.

      Stacy – No you are not wrong in planning this, in my opinion. In reading your story, it’s like man – things were finally going so well….why!!!

      He says that ‘we’ will get past this, but because you have found text messages before, he has got a problem and he needs to get some help. Saying we will get past it is not enough to stop you from starting to save up. You are not giving up on the marriage just yet, you are just putting some away from you just in case. And I think that is very good. If things work out, great, you can have a really nice vacation, if not, then you have some money so that you can leave. I would tell him that he made the mistake, and if he does not work very hard to fix it, then you will make plans to leave. He should set up counseling, he should bring topics to the Friday night sessions that have to do with trust and marriage so that you can have some good conversations. But I will let him know it’s on him, that way, if he does not put in the effort needed, you can leave knowing that you gave him a fair shot at trying to mend this. When I say he should fix it, I don’t mean do not get involved. I don’t want you to get the impression everything is on him, I guess what I am trying to say is that he should take the lead or restoring trust, because he broke it, at such a wonderful time in the relationship (hugs to you).

      Michelle – so glad you do not cry everyday anymore (hugs). Being with someone for all those years that never took your opinion into account must be devastating. I am so happy that you are realizing that you are so much better than that, and that your opinion and voice is so important – not just to you, but to the world. Take Care!

  • Karen February 8, 2012, 7:44 PM

    Jewel, —Thank you for all your encouragement and words they help alot, as well as this site.

    Michelle–Funny how they do not seem to take the responsibility for what they have done. My husband has not fully done this yet and because of this not sure how I can fully trust again. Just remember we are not to blame in this, we did not make the choice to cheat. They alone make this decision. They need to own up to it. I have done alot of research and soul searching since this happened to me 6 months ago. Still not sure where or how my life is going to unfold. My husband and I are still living together, but he is not really giving me what I need. He said that he needs to work on him first before he can work on us. My therapist says that he is communicating with her still because he is addicted to her. She makes him feel important and good, does not judge him. Their relationship is like a drug addition right now, which is why he can not really give her up yet. Even though he says he is not going thru a depression, he shows all the signs. I right now am a reminder of what he is not, good job, great relationship with our kids, good morals, and good friends. He on the other hand has fallen off the pedestial that we all put him on, he feels that I no longer need him, and nobody really comes to him like they use to before. It is very sad. He did have a interview this morning so maybe if he gets the job his self esteem will get better. Not sure if that will mean that he will want to work on our marriage or maybe move out and start a long distance relationship with the OW. Still do not understand why she hangs on, he only goes to her if I throw him out and then within 10 days returns to me for some excuse or another. They do not talk on the phone anymore but maybe not sure text or e-mail. He told her the last time that I tried to throw him out he was having mixed emotions about leaving me and yet she still hangs on. Why

    Found a book the other day that is very helpful and I recommend it to everyone. It is called The secret of letting go, by Guy Finley. Has been very helpful to me. One last thought. People cheat for various reasons, but those reasons are a reflection of them, not on you. We need to remember this.

  • Michelle February 8, 2012, 11:20 PM

    Hi Karen,
    Firstly thank you. Mine basically only felt bad and admitted it because our daughter acutally confronted him as this whole thing pushed her into annorexia and she was advised to confront him. Me, I’m just the idiot that keeps quiet, always been afraid to say anything, and to this day have not once shouted or been nasty in any way to him. It took a lot of courage on our daughter’s part as she and I had definitely put him up on that pedistial, he briefly fell off his and once he felt better, again which I helped him through, always putting him first is my problem, it was back to normal for him. He even said to me at one stage that he was in love with the OW, that was mind blowing. He is a very powerful man in his field and the country he works in, and I do have to say extremely good at what he does, so self esteem is not one of his issues, total arrogance is though. I am slowly realising all these things and thanks to Jewels I have slowly come to realise that all the things I thought were not silly and am slowly finding myself. I am determined not to let anyone treat me like this again. Big brave words, now I have to have the strength and courage to put them into action. I don’t think he even realises the extent of the damage he has done to me, has never even asked how I felt about it all. I am slowly coming to realise that I don’t want to know any more reasons or excuses, he has chosen this path all on his own and one day will have to take ownership of his actions. I have no idea how this will all turn out, but know that it is now time for me to find me again. Maybe him saying that you are a reminder is just an excuse for him not to accept he has and is the problem. all on his little lonesome. Take care and be strong.

  • Heidi February 9, 2012, 12:12 AM

    I have just found out my husband has cheated with a close family friends daughter, who is now 19. The age I was when I got with him. So many of the stories here hit home with the manipulation and deceit I have put up with over the years. It all started when I had our first child. Two days after giving birth, he sat in front of me telling his Aunt I was tainted now I’d given birth. We have had some real goods times, but the bad are just awful He accuses me of cheating, putting my job before him, is reluctant to use his spare time for the family. He is the master of manipulation. But, what I can’t comprehend is my reaction to it… I phoned her up and had a constructive conversation with her. Then after my husband accused me of this being my fault, said to him all I wanted was for him to say he was sorry, its a terrible mistake and lets work it out. WTF? Anyway, I now have to carry on family life, look my kids in the eyes and paint a happy face on to protect them.

  • Mandy February 9, 2012, 3:29 PM

    Ok to the women that think their husband are not remorseful because they are scared. No they are not remorseful because they know you will not do anything about it. I understand staying if they are truly sincere but if they are blaming their cheating mistake on you then yes you are better off alone.

  • Karen February 9, 2012, 5:21 PM

    Heidi–I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It is a very hard process, but keep in mind you did not create this. Do not let what he did hurt take away your self worth or self respect. I am here if you need to talk.

    Michelle,–read your e-mail first thing this morning after getting ready for work. Gave me courage and strength. Thank you, never did make it into work, because things kind of hit the fan after that. Just before walking out the door I told my husband to have a great day and asked him what his plans were. His reply was what do you need me to do. My reply was why not write me a note giving me reasons why I should still be working on this marriage, and he told me what do you want me to say. I asked him then if he was still talking to the OW and he said no check his computer. Guess what for the first time I said ok, usually I tell him I don’t need to. Check his phone, e-mails, computer and facebook. First thing that pops up is a message from her on facebook, so of course I responded back to her that this was me and I see we are still communicating. My H was standing right there at the time. We left the house because my son was getting mad and continued our talk at the park. Left her a message on her phone that my H said that she would like to talk to me, so here was my number. He said that he can not decide between me and her, he loves us both. I do not know what he is going through, I told him I was out of the triangle and he needed to leave. Still talking when we came home we deleted all e-mails that he said he didn’t realize was in his computer and blocked her on facebook. he gave me his phone and i texted her letting her know that he was aware of everything and what we did about e-mails. Also told her all pictures were gone too, including the one that I didn’t need to see as she could imagine. In the mean time she e-mailed him to let him know she received my message via phone and facebook and she was not going to respond because she had nothing to say and was not going to subject herself to my wrath. She also said that she could not agree with my invasion of his privacy ..just her opinion of course. the nerve. She felt it best to avoid all contact with him and that they should make a pact that he should contact her when and if the marriage has ended. She could not endure this anxiety any longer. Signed- love always. After that e-mail she received my text and responded back –so this is all being put on me?? just sent an e-mail read it. Next one was thanks for putting this all on me to my H nice and last one was done is done…I’m done. As of now he is leaving in the morning. Guess all hopes of saving my marriage are gone now.

  • Michelle February 9, 2012, 8:57 PM

    Wow Heidi, 19 that is quite something, you know I never even found out the OW’s age, am sure she was probably early 30’s, just was too devastated to bother with finding out. She was a golfing buddy, that much I do know. Am thinking of you as having just found out, I certainly remember that, I knew for a few years, but it never really sank in, then when my daughter told me what she knew, boy did it all come crashing down around my head. As I am slowly realising, it is not our fault no matter what he says, totally his choice, stay strong am thinking of you.

    Karen am so glad my message gave you strength and courage, I am fighting every day to find and keep mine going. Think I am more protected than you as I don’t have the opportunity to check up, see emails and all that kind of stuff, even when he was home with me I did not even dare trying that, learnt my lesson from the one time I unpacked his suitcase and found an I pod. He came up with a good story at the time as to whom it was for and stupid me believed him. Penny dropped a lot later that it was a present for her. Needless to say I have never unpacked his suitcase or even gone near it again. Am not sure if it is good or bad not to know or have access to phones, emails etc. Him leaving in the morning, am sad for you, it is never nice to have something like this happen, stay strong, and hope you are okay, not your fault ever, something we all need to learn.

  • Le5820 February 10, 2012, 8:13 AM

    Jewels first off I would like to thank you for writing such an amazing book, and having the strength to share your experiences and outlook. I find myself in quite a different situation than most women who have posted on here and many other web-sites. My husband was not involved in a long term affair, he went away on a boys trip for the weekend and ended up getting involved with a older women, although there was no intercourse he did we will just say recieve a favor from this women. Here is where my story takes a horrible turn him and I have only been married 5 months. We have been together for 5 years and living together for 4 years and we have no children. Up until 2 weeks ago when he came home from his trip and confessed, we had an amazing relationship. I am just so hurt, my husband didn’t even allow me to have my honeymoon time with him. Everytime I think about our wedding day I cry, and wish it never happened so that it would be eaiser for me to leave. The worst part of the whole situation is that he cannot explain to me why he did this. The OW is gross, I am 31 she was 45, I saw a picture of her and am immediatly disgusted, you could not even compare us, not to mention she is also married with 5 children, no job, ect….. I cannot understand why my husband would 1. Be attracted to her 2. Why did he marry me. I am a very beautiful, young, and a hard working women. I am in a financial postion to leave him, and I feel I have the strenght to do so. My husband is very apologetic, we are both in therapy (together and seperate). Right now he is living with his parents and I am at our home, I cannot stand the sight of him. The other night I came home and he had put a bouqet of flowers in every room. He is trying, but I just don’t know if it will ever be enough for me. I am just so disgusted that my husband would be attracted to someone of such low caliber. I have always set very high standards for myself, and that included the person I married. I’m angry, sad, and honeslty so confussed. I know it’s to soon to make any descions. I was just hoping for some insight, has any one been through this? I continue to say in my mind I %100 know I can be happy with out him, however I am unsure if I will ever be happy with him if I stay. I just value myself to much, an feel that he has de-valued me, and I am not sure if that is something I can handle. Thank you for your thoughts!

  • Heidi February 10, 2012, 2:42 PM

    Thanks Karen & Michelle, it gives me strength to hear your words of support. It has been a hard few days and closing my eyes just gives me images I wish I didn’t imagine. Anyway, I am talking to all my friends and hearing their advice. Take Care

  • Karen February 10, 2012, 8:06 PM

    Heidi- Glad you are opening up to your friends. I know that they have helped me alot thru my whole process, even when they get tired of hearing over and over again. Down let the imagines control you, try to take some time to do something nice for yourself. About 2 months after I found out my of my friends set up a day of pampering for us, facials, and full body massages. Then after I went and colored and got a new hairstyle. It was just what I needed.

    Le5820–so sorry you are going thru this. One thing I have learned and am still learning is that you will never be able to figure out the reasons H do things or who they do it with. I don’t even think they know sometimes. Try not think or compare yourself with the OW you will never really figure it out.

    Update on my post from the other day. Well woke up this morning and as I was leaving for work my H told me he was not leaving. First it was because now he wanted me to sign or write up a written agreement to protect himself and that I was forcing him out of the house. After arguing for a while I told him to write up what he wanted and I would sign it when I came home and I was not forcing him to leave it was him. Needless to say when I came home he was still there with no attention of leaving. Acting real nice to me when I came home and hanging up my coat. Asked him what was going on and he said he was not leaving his house, he didn’t plan on talking to the OW right now, but could not promise me that he would not sometime down the line. He feels a strong love for her and could see a future with her, but at the moment he doesn’t with us. Remember she lives out of state and if they were to have a relationship it would be long distance for the next year or two. Things could change for us while leaving together but right now he is afraid to see what could happen with us. If he tries this with me, he could lose her down the line. Seriously ladies I am so confused as to what to do and if he is just a jerk or if in fact he really does love me and want me. Remember He has had a change to be with her on 2 seperate occasions when I throw him out and he moved in with her, the lasted this last was 10 days. Why if he loves her is he here with me, and why when I keep trying to get rid of him does he find reasons to stay or just refuse. Still love him and if there is a change for our marriage what is the right road for me to take.

  • ladygator February 10, 2012, 11:06 PM

    I’ve read a lot on this site and find many similarities, but yet it still funny how I feel like “but my case is different.” My husband (while we were dating) had a one night fling which he felt so guilty about and told me. A few years later, after we were married, I found out he was cheating with an old high school girlfriend who had moved in a few blocks away. Apparently he had plans to leave me for her, but when confronted, “chickened out” and stayed with me. I subsequently found out he was sending love letters to another woman the same time he was seeing this woman. To this day, he says it was only flirtation, although my gut tells me there was more. He gave many reasons why he cheated, which included “things got stale” (like I’m a piece of bread – I guess he thought he had no responsibility to communicate these feelings with me) and one of the other reasons was “I had let myself go” (although he was no Joe Atlas either). Anyway, the details aren’t important. I wanted to go to joint counseling. He wanted to “try to work things out on our own.” So I took him back. He has also exhibited other forms of disrepect (verbally berating me alone and in front ot others, throwing my things on the floor, throwing bills in my face, refusing to wear his wedding ring even though I made it clear it was important, watching and leaving his porn DVD’s around the house even after I told him how damaging it was to my self esteem, the list goes on). Anyway, about a year and a half ago, I had an incident that was the last straw. I went to a friends house for a weekend and left him a letter stating I had retained an attorney. He begged me to come back and talk it out. I did, we talked, and lots of tears were shed. I told him I would hold off serving him if he agreed to get himself into individual counseling as I think a lot of his behavior stems from what he saw in his dad growing up. He agreed stating he “would to anything.” I gave him over a year. He never went. I then said I wanted him to come to my counselor with me (whom I had been seeing since moving out for the weekend). When she asked if he had gotten into counseling he played dumb and said no, that he thought I was going to make all those arrangements. Long story short, he stated at that session that he would get himself into individual counseling. It has been 3 months and he has not. In the meantime, I have found out he is committing “financial infidelity.” He has been making major financial decisions about investments and not telling me. I have decided to move out this weekend for a “marital time out” to try to figure out how I feel and what I want. However, one of the things that I feel “guilty” about is that I feel that since I have stayed and here it is six years later, I have somehow implied that I have forgiven him and moved on from these affairs. Is there anything in the rulebooks that says there is an emotional “statute of limitations” on saying “you know what? This has damaged me more than I thought, especially considering that you have done nothing to fix the underlying problem of lack of respect of me” He will argue and say, “I’ve been trying” but trying to him is talking to me nicely, buying me expensive gifts, occassional flowers, etc. Has anyone on this board left several years after they found out about the affair and gave it a fair shot to work things out? I feel very guilty that I feel like I have “lead him on” when looking back, I probably should have said “good riddance, have a nice life with your psycho skank” (she tried to committ suicide when she thought he wasn’t leaving me fast enough). Thank you for listening.

  • Sana February 11, 2012, 4:01 PM

    Dear Jewels,
    Sorry it took so long to respond. I really appreciate your comments. As you can imagine my emotions have been on a roller coaster. My Husband has been oh so good and has answered every question I have as honestly as he can. He apologizes often, thinks about my needs and is truly being everything a husband should be to me and a father to the boys. He says he wants to move forward and he feels like all my questions are keeping us from that and from being positive, but he says he does understand that I have to work through this and he is really being kind. I told him that his affair lasted a year and he has lied about it for the last four and he can’t expect me to just move on after a few months, especially in light of the recent texting of old HS GF’s and he says he deserves that. Of course, for him the affair was over long ago and he has had a chance to think about the harm that he has done to our marriage even if I never found out.
    As for the women he was sexting from overseas, he said he did stop that after a short time and realized what was at stake when he started thinking about me leaving him because I was not communicating with him much when he was overseas and he thought I just did not care anymore. He was terrified of losing me and his family, which was why he ended the affair long ago anyway.
    I am able to talk to him rationally, but things still trigger the tears, anxiety, stomach flipping and even anger. I told him when we got married that if he ever felt that he did not love me or that he loved someone else, I wanted him to tell me and I would let him go. I told him if he cheated, i would walk out the door. My Father was a serial cheater and I got caught up in dealing with it when i was in my early 20’s. I saw how bitter and sad it made my mom and it scarred me to see and deal with the fallout from that. My husband KNEW this and still had an affair.
    He looked stricken when I brought this up to him the other day. I don’t think it even occurred to him because he was not thinking about me then, he was thinking about her.
    I really don’t think he thought he would ever get caught after he ended the affair even after I found out about the women he texted from overseas since it was years in the past. He says he was planning on coming home and putting his all into our marriage and never telling me, but in a wierd way is relieved that it is all out except that it has devastated me so much.
    The funny thing is he got caught because he is terrible at electronic stuff. I told him he was an idiot not to have deleted texts on his phone before coming home AND saving pictures of her and a video of them on a hard drive was plain stupid. He says he had downloaded a bunch of stuff from a stick to a big hard drive and that he didnt know it was there because he could never get it to play, which I believe because I had to reformat to get it to play and because if he knew it was there, he would have hidden the hard drive or deleted it. I would have anyway!
    He has given me several reasons why he ended the affair and I told him that it seems the main one that matters was never mentioned FIRST.
    That he loved me. PERIOD.
    I told him as he mentioned that I felt it was because of the boys and his Mom and how difficult divorce is. He made the comment that he could not live with the thought of having to come over after a divorce to see another man with me and parenting his sons. In relation to HER he has talked of the age gap and how she wanted kids which he could not give her and that they or at least he knew from the outset that he was not going to leave me and the affair was not going to lead to them together. (Not sure I believe that.) SHE was single, 15 years younger and he met her at school where she was a student teacher and he was a resource officer so they saw each other every day. I teach in the same school district, so they had to keep it under tight wraps obviously. He says he did not love her and never told her that. I wanted to know what it was he got from her that I was not giving because he said it was not just sex and throughout the whole affair we were having sex at least 3-4 times per week despite our communication issues. He says he still does not know, maybe just that she talked to him. Hell, when i tried he was staring at the TV screen and then would look at me and say Huh?
    Anyway, we are moving along slowely and carefully because I knew and I think he is now realizing that this is going to be a long journey full of ups and downs.
    I’ve told him I stayed through all of these lonely years and I am choosing to stay now for one reason. Because despite everything, he is still the love of my life and if there is this much pain in staying, I cannot even imagine how bad leaving would be, but that is still a choice i am leaving open at this point.
    I appreciate all of the stories and advice i’ve read on here. It has helped me tremendously to get through each day.

  • Michelle February 11, 2012, 6:52 PM

    Heidi am so glad you have your friends, you are very fortunate. I have been moved from country to country and finally here so have basically left friends each time. I also lost my closest friend over all this, thanks to him and after 5 years now have just had the courage to tell my parents, also to come onto this site. Know what you mean by the images, I have them still and do not know if I am going to be able to get over them, and every now and again the mind runs amock and I get myself into a total state. Then I calm down and try to continue finding myself and thinking of myself for once, so just stay strong.

    Karen, boy is he giving you the run around, seems like he wants the whole deal, selfish. Mine has always been very self centered and everything always has to be about how he feels and how and what he wants. Taken me a very long time to realise this, 27 years , and what is the worst for me is that he told me he was “In love” with her, I still feel like a total fool and so embarassed, and to this day I think he still is in love with her. He talks to me nicely when he phones every 3 days, but that has not changed for the last 6 years even when he was with her, or even when he was on his trips back here, was so very clever at hiding it. Even now it is a subject that is not to be mentioned. Finding myself and what I need for myself has finally become my priority in the last few weeks as I realised that I could not go on feeling like I had been, and only then will I have the strength to move forward. I am scared out of my mind as to how I will find the strength and courage to get where I know I need to be to feel like me again, but am taking the steps slowly but surely, so am thinking of you and hope that this yoyo scene of yours gets sorted out.

    Ladygator, don’t know if there is a statue of limitations, I knew the whole time he was having the affair, 4 years in total, just did not want to believe it, and another 2 of total mental hell for me after it all came out in the open, with all the gorey details of things, though I do know that I don’t know everything still and am still trying to come to grips with how he could do this, the tears, panic, are all still there though slowly getting better as I find my inner strength. He has no idea and still has never asked how this has affected me, and even though I have asked him he still to this day will not tell me how he feels about me, life must just go back to normal. Just be true to yourself, that is what I am trying to do now.

    • Jewels February 12, 2012, 11:18 PM

      Hi everyone,

      A little behind in responding to comments, I just wanted to reach out to those that I haven’t yet…

      Le5820 - Thanks, I am glad you liked the ebook! As far as your situation, I always have a softer tone towards men that have one night stands and come back and immediately tell their wives. I am starting to try to combine stories from the site together, but not quite there, but I will tell you there are at least 8-10 other women on the site that have similar stories, they are just so spread out and I don’t remember where they are :(. But the reason that I have the softer tone is because your husband didn’t lie, he could of easier lied about this and swept it under the rug, as most cheating men do, but he chose to bring it up and accept the consequences, to me, that is what is suppose to happen, not lying and being secretive. With that said, he seems like he is also trying to make things right. In my opinion, the ball is in his court to prove that he is willing to do what it takes to make things right. For you, in therapy you have to work on the impact of his actions and your self-worth. For him, he has to learn how to rebuild trust. If you do not have kids, you have time to really sit down and talk and try to make things right, if you had an amazing relationship before this, it might be worth trying to repair, but like I said, it is up to him to drive it.

      Heidi – Your reaction is because he has manipulated you for years telling you that you are cheating and it’s your fault that your subconscious believes it, so you are accepting the blame when really it is all him. Your kids want mommy to be happy above all, so make sure you are making yourself a priority as well, kids are very smart, they can sense when mom is not happy. The other thing I want you to watch out for is your husband thinking that you will not leave because of the kids, that is not a good position because if he things you will never leave, he will take advantage. Take Care.

      ladygator – there is no time limit, you can leave whenever you feel like it. At least you stayed and tried, if it isn’t working, it isn’t working. That is one thing that I had to realize during my marriage, my husband had no clue how to make things right, and once I found out that he never will know how to make it right, that was a turning point for me. It’s like he literally did not know how to fix it, and it seems like that is the same way with your husband. Like I said before, at least you stayed and tried, you could of just left as soon as you found out about he affair. My husband said the same thing, I tried and did this and that, but his trying was not even 1/4 of what really needed to be done to repair the marriage, oh well…

  • Tina February 13, 2012, 6:40 PM

    Ok so is anyone else dreading tomorrow? I just can’t seem to get excited there no card out there that say Thanks for cheating on me and turning my world upside down but I love u. How am I supposed to get excited if he brings me anything cause last year he sure didn’t give a damn! Just wondering if anyone else felt this way.

  • jackie February 13, 2012, 7:30 PM

    Dear Jewels ,

    I have been married only 5months but living for 3 years. on saturday I found some textes from a woman that works with my husband & in those textes she called him babe and said she was thinkimg about him and took a picture of some Valentines cookies that she said were for him . Now mind you this is someone who is married herself and has 3 little kids. What makes it harder is that I know them from social gatherings. I feel like such an idiot , as I confronted him , he said I was blowing everythig out of propotion , blah blah , tht they are just friends etc. Like I am stupid , I live in Miami where there is a ton of women , & I know how women are. I am so angry because I guess I just want him to be more apologetic and to reassure me that it was really nothing “as he claims”. I love my husband & I think he loves me , but this has totally been an emotional blow for me & has left my “self esteem at it’s all time low!.

  • andrea February 13, 2012, 8:57 PM

    Tina – I’m not sure if we’re allowed to comment to each other but I read your post and I know how you feel. Even though we’re doing well right now I still dread holidays. I read the Valentine cards and they all seemed so fake. Cards I would have bought in the past now seem ridiculous. How can I get a card that says how we’re so in love and talks about all the things I love about him. I didn’t want to get a card but we’re trying to work things out and he wanted to do cards so I agreed. This month is a hard month because not only is it Valentine’s Day but the 12th was his birthday. I made him a cake because of our kids. It felt nice to do something nice for him but at the same time it didn’t feel normal. The 27th is our anniversary. We’ll be married 5 years. I told him I want the day to pass like any other day because how can I be happy about a day that we’re supposed to celebrate our vows and love when he cheated and lied to me? So yes, I dread tomorrow too.

  • Blondy February 13, 2012, 10:38 PM

    Dear Jewels,

    I’ve read a number of the posts on this page tonight and can relate to a lot of them. But perhaps have a bit of a twist on what seems like some common circumstances.

    I’ve been with my husband for more than 25 years…married for almost 24. We have two grown kids and we have our first grandchild on the way now. Life should be good. But…

    Three or four years ago I wen through something of a mid-life crisis. I was unhappy at home and unhappy at work–for no identifiable reason. I just felt like “Is this it?” I left my job and took a job that required extensive travel. I also sent an email to a man that I had a something of a connection with about ten years earlier. I won’t say I had a full on affair with him…never kissed him or touch him, but talked to him constantly and I will say from my perspective, had some very genuine feelings for him. At that time my own husband traveled a lot and I was home with the kids by myself all the time. I was lonely and needed companionship. That’s my only excuse and it’s not a real good one. It had nothing to do with me not loving my husband.

    At any rate, all those many years ago, my husband found out and I ended it instantly. Zero contact. Our marriage got better somewhat…he stopped traveling, I got a life, and we moved on and have had many happy years in the interim. He’s a great guy.

    I just tend to be one of those discontent kind of people and in some ways my husband and I are a terrible match, not matter how much I genuinely love him.

    So…fast forward to a few years ago. I’m feeling especially discontented, my husband isn’t responding to my needs, so I switch jobs and I hunted this man down from all of those years ago on the internet. There was never a calcuated decision to do this…I was just sitting there one day and he popped into my head and I looked him up. He doesn’t live anywhere near me or anything…it felt harmless.

    Only by then I was traveling a lot, and as it turned out could see him if I wanted to. Of course he was married too. (Coincidentally–he was divorced from his first wife that he’d had all those years ago, but had a daughter from her and was remarried now.) We developed a friendly relationship at first, genuinely friendly and nothing more, but over time that turned into something else because that attraction that was there all those years ago was still there. And before I knew it, I was pushing my own husband away and getting closer to this other man.

    I’ll tell you now, I loved this other man and in some ways I will love him always. But I also loved my husband and never stopped. I know that is hard to understand for all of you who have been the victims of infidelity and never been there yourselves…but if your husband is telling you that he always loved you and never stopped, he is probably being truthful.

    On with the story…

    After a couple of years of this (traveling, having a very intense affair with this other man that wasn’t just about sex, but really about love too) and watching my own marriage get worse in the process, my husband had an affair too. With a woman at work. A woman I’ve met before and who several years ago he openly admitted was pursuing him.

    There affair was short lived because I came across phone records and discovered it. By the time I discovered it, things with the other man for me had simmered a lot. We realized that despite the connection we had we both loved our spouses and our lives, had commitments, and wanted to get back to those things. We still talked sometimes, but it wasn’t the ‘affair’ thing so much anymore…it was more of the friendship it had actually started out as.

    So that was that. I found out, blew up on my husband, because of my own guilty feelings (he still had no idea) I felt obligated to find a way to move on without hammering him too much about what he had done. But damn did it hurt! I bet all of you reading this are thinking “you deserved it”. I think that same thing myself…I deserved it.

    He ended the affair which he claimed didn’t involve sex. I tried hard to believe that, but my girl-senses knew he was not telling the truth about that and I was enraged that after being caught he’d continue to lie about it.

    It nagged me for a year–a year during which we were both being faithful, working on our marriage, and things were actually getting significantly better.

    But the nagging questions I had wouldn’t go away. Iasked him many times to tell me the truth. He always denied it. Then one day I made up a story about having blisters in my privates and that I thought it could be some kind of STD and was it possible that I had caught this from his girlfriend? He said no. But wow he looked like he was lieing. So I asked him again the next week, told him I didn’t care what the answer was because I already believed he slept with her, and what was bothering me was that he was still lying about it.

    So he confessed yes they had sex. And what’s worse, he took to heart my instance that knowing truth would free my mind from all the questions and make things even better for us. So he answered every detailed question I had. Every single one of them. The whole time pledging how much he loved me and that it had ended a year ago when I found out about her.

    I believe him. I’m a scrupulous investigator and I am 100% confident that nothing is going on now. Plus…how could I be upset when I had done the same thing?

    Yet I was and am. I feel crushed and can relate to every post that these women have talked about. I feel like I can never love him again because he loved someone else. Yet I genuinely love him and am actually “in love”

    So hypocritical.

  • Sana from England February 14, 2012, 8:27 AM

    Hi there,

    We have been married for 8 years now and for the last few years work and other shit has taken over my life, we had no physical relation between us, although we chatted, went on holidays etc. Last weekend i found him cheating on a mutual friend’s wife through facebook messages. He confessed that he liked her physically n enjoyed spending time with her. They have done sex for 5-6 times as well, he had been really honest with me. I was heart broken and cried for hours, i dont know wat got to him but he apologised to me and said that he will give his 100% to fix things. Since then he has deleted his facebook profile and says that he isnt contacting her on text messages as well. I dont know wat to do? i love him..but should i really take his word and forgive him? Im only 29 and he is 30..we have a long way to go to. Please help me.

  • Tina February 14, 2012, 8:31 AM

    Andrea- We can most deff comment to each other. Glad I’m not the only one that feels this way. Its really hard to celebrate when u feel so betrayed by someone u vowed to love! Reading all the cards just makes me sick! My anniversary is coming up in march and I pretty much feel like he broke all our vows so what’s the point in celebrating. We are still together but its been rough he can’t seem to figure out why I still don’t trust him he thinks I should be over this by now! God only knows I wish it would just go away too but its just not that simple! Sorry you are going through this as well it breaks my heart to know so many women have to deal with the worst pain ever! Hope u make it through the day and thanks for your comment it really helps.

  • Heidi February 14, 2012, 10:06 AM

    I think I am going to rename today, Happy Fulfiment day, where every person out there should seek what makes them happy. For us ladies, it is seeking solace in our strength and ability to look our husbands in the eye. Some of us may forgive them, some of us may not, but whatever comes out of the situation we now find ourselves in, I believe that we are all strong and we all know what makes us happy. We may have to dig deep for the courage to take our chosen path, but we can and should seek happiness. There is an advert in the UK at the moment about mental abuse, the tag line is as follows “Are you his princess one minutes and his stupid tart the next?. I strongly believe after analysing my own situation over the past few days that adultery really is the cowards way of addressing relationships issues. A form of mental abuse.

    I have made the decision to pick one simple thing each day that will make me smile. Not my kids, not my family, not my friends, not my husband… ME. Cos I think no man can break the spirit of someone who is fulfilled :-) ;-)

    So ladies, lets be strong and work towards being fulfilled :-)

  • Rhonda February 14, 2012, 11:42 AM

    It is funny that I see all these posts about Valentine’s Day. I know that after being married for 11 years Valentine’s Day lost all its meaning. Especially when I felt like I was married to a stranger after 5 years anyway. Once I found out about the affair 2 months ago, I didn’t want to celebrate any holidays. I am still working on this marraige and he is to. This is awfull, but I feel like he should do something huge for Valentine’s Day, especially in light of all that he has done to destroy me and our marraige. I know that I should know better to expect something like this because I will just be disappointed, but shouldn’t they do big things for us on this day? I will keep you all posted because I am sure that I will just get a card and some chocolates and an I love you, when I am expecting a ticket to Happiness, whatever that is.
    I wish I was at the place that Heidi you are at, and then maybe I could find strength in myself and be happy, but I still look to him for that. Probably from years of feeling absolutely worthless to him. I need to find my wings here soon or I think I will go crazy. Good luck to all you ladies out there today.

  • Ella February 14, 2012, 12:36 PM

    Rhonda — I understand how you feel. Heidi hit the nail on the head with the happiness comes from within. In talking to my best friend today, we both came the conclusion that my husband truly wasn’t happy with himself and how his life turned out — stressful job, kids not really successful, feels inadequate — despite having a great job — but he feels like he’s not good enough. I think he would go from person to person (his were more emotionally driven – L word, etc.) — to find happiness. An external source of it — and when someone (like me) challenged him on anything that he knew wasn’t good in his life — (he was turning his kids into spoiled brats) — he would run and not discuss it — and so he found someone else who would tell him how great he was. But he knows it’s a farce deep down. He is in therapy to work on him now — hoping that works. But I know how you feel about Valentine’s Day — My d day was last March — I didn’t get him a card or a present — I am cooking dinner and that is it. I told him to expect this last month — I felt betrayed and that this holiday does not hold the same meaning. How do you take your wife to a romantic dinner on Valentines Day last year and then the next night — get a limo to drive her from work to her car, buy her a nice gift and use the L word. I’m at a loss….. Other than they are too wrapped up in themselves. Good luck to you all as well. I hope this gets better by next year — I’m making progress but it’s slow and sometimes I still question if I was right in staying.

  • ladygator February 14, 2012, 1:27 PM

    @Rhonda
    Be careful about wishing he would do something in a huge way. That can be a double edged sword. My husband thought he could fix things by buying me expensive presents, etc. I call it the “Kobe Bryant” response. (Buy her off with the 4 carat diamond – then we’ll just act like all is well). Not only that, when things continue to not improve or efforts are not made to make the marriage better (like my request of him to go to counseling), they tend to use “I don’t see why I need to go. I’ve been trying harder. I’ve been doing/buying nice things” Yet the underlying causes of his disrepectful actions or devaluation of my thoughts and feelings are still there. I understand “I deserve something big and you should be kissing my arse for taking you back” but just be careful. I moved out this weekend, and when I am not at work, I am crying, analyzing, wondering, and crying some more. When I had dinner with him to tell him I had moved out, he still held to “but I’ve done/bought all these things for you. See how hard I’m trying?” Anyway, food for thought (like we don’t already have enough of that rolling around in our heads).

  • andrea February 14, 2012, 2:03 PM

    tina – i’m dreading the 27th, i wish it was a weekend because then i’d go somewhere for the day but it’s a monday and he will be working so i’m home with the kids. yes, i feel very betrayed and the cards make me sick as well. not sure when your date is but maybe you can get away for the day and have some time for yourself. my husband luckily (for him) never told me to get over it but he doesn’t really understand why i would want to have a ceremony to renew our vows and have real wedding pics (we got married by a judge) since everything has happened. i’d feel like such a fake if i wore a dress and renewed our vows since everything has happened. it just takes all the joy and purity out of the whole thing. your post has helped me too and i will be thinking about you in march.

  • Jules February 14, 2012, 3:08 PM

    I too dreaded this day especially since we always had a romantic dinner at home with candles, cards and little gifts for each other. We are 9 months from D-Day and separated for the past 4 weeks. Although my husband came over for dinner this past Saturday night and we had a great night and the sexual chemistry was sparking between us.

    But today began with me going to the gym, seeing him and not going up to talk to him and walking into the coffee place for water and being treated rudely by a group of women that know me. They are friends with the affair partner. So I decided ENOUGH and went up to the older women who knows me best and my husband and asked her why she was so cold. Well I ended up telling her about the affair between her friend and my husband and that I was NOT happy about it at all and that is why I had him leave 4 weeks ago. She was not happy I said anything and she said she had no idea and I gave her too much info. I was matter of fact, no emotion and walked away, now I am shaking. I know she knew as I can read body language really well and I know she went on a recent girls trip with this married other women.

    So tonight my husband is coming over again for dinner and he actually left me a card. Granted not full of I love you’s at all but he did say he also enjoyed the other night and he is ready to talk. Still not sure where this is all going and I am just going to listen, even if it hurts. It is still so sad that after 24 1/2 years of marriage and 27 years together we are in this place. He is nervous that I am starting to tell people but that is my choice and it feels
    good to no longer pretend nor protect him or her. As we tell our kids, you make a bad choice there are consequences.

    Has anyone else started speaking up to mutual friends about their spouse’s affair? Affairs not only hurt the betrayed spouse, it hurts the children, our families and even close and mutual friends.

  • Sana February 14, 2012, 3:18 PM

    Hi Andrea & Tina,
    I feel exactly the same way about Valentine’s Day. I looked at cards, but could not find one to say how I feel. I just got a funny, impersonal one & one that says “happy heart day, to the man who has mine.” it is true, I still love him but I’m not sure why. Well, we were in walmart last night & he says “oh, I didn’t get you anything fo Valentines day. Do you want me to get you a card?” Well no, not if you have to ask. The. I think ” I bet you got HER something for V-Day during your affair and I got a crappy card then. That started a whole new line of dragging myself down with questions about what he did for her on holidays etc. Trying not to react to these triggers. But he reads me like a book. Very unsettling when I can do the same to him in some things. But obviously did not know him well enough to mistrust his actions back then. I am being true to myself and not making a big deal out of this holiday. I feel like a fool for giving him romantic cards when he was only thinking of her.

  • isthisreal February 14, 2012, 6:04 PM

    Hi everyone, I’m not really sure how I feel today. My husband denies needing counselling and tells me this won’t ever happen again. Like self-control worked before right? He just gave me a gift and insists on cooking me dinner. Yuck… I am just lost here. God, what an ass.

    Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow :)

  • MsThang February 14, 2012, 7:28 PM

    Jewels: THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR PROVIDING THIS FORUM AND INFORMATION!!! I found out my husband was cheating about 8 months ago. He’s not remorseful, and initially, told me there were 3 women (1 he dated before us). He agreed to stop seeing 2 of them, but told me he wouldn’t stop seeing the prior girlfriend. He informed me he had been seeing her for about 6 mos at the time, and said that because I had some physical issues that made sex too painful and I was awaiting surgery (total knee replacement), he wouldn’t give her up. I was devastated! I had moved away from friends and family to be with him, took a job I didn’t want because it had the benefits we needed, and worked 1pm-midnight (which kept me from making friends) to get another 20% for shift diff. He has even accused me of not making enough money and then told me – at the same time – that my work shift was part of the problem. He blames me for everything! And he has NO remorse. We moved and are living separate, but he’s been good about being around throughout my surgery and comes over 3-4 times/wk. He calls about every day. Today, V-day, he was supposed to come over and we were going to go out to dinner. Needless to say, he didn’t answer the phone or texts and I just got a text about an hour ago from him telling me he went out of town (with her – I’m sure), and he’ll be back Friday. I think the reason he told me that was because earlier in the evening I texted him, “I guess I’m to understand you’ve made a final decision?????” I’ve told him in the past that not answering the phone (he did this same thing New Year’s and I confirmed he was with her). I’ve told him he’ll never have to choose between us again – and told him if he did this very thing – it’s over. Now I need support to follow through! I used to be confident, commanded respect, strong, and self-assured. Now I feel weak, beaten, dependent, and pathetic. I’ve taught him how to disrespect me – I need advice on how to follow through. Also, where’s a good source for support groups for spouses of cheaters? We’re not legally separated (I still carry his insurance for him), and nothing has been filed for separation or divorce.

  • andrea February 15, 2012, 7:14 AM

    hi jewels – when i first found out i told a couple of my closest gf’s and i know they told their husbands who are friends with mine. it made things awkward for him but i didn’t care because i needed people to talk to. i hadn’t planned on telling family unless we were going to get a divorce but i wound up telling my mom one night over the phone after i took some sleeping pills. i must have called her when i was kind of loopy. my whole family knows but we don’t talk about it because we don’t have that kind of relationship and it makes me feel uncomfortable. his family found out because when we were home visiting over the holidays we were splitting time with the kids and each side of the family like we were divorced because i don’t like his family and his mom and sister asked him why i wasn’t spending anytime with them and he told them. i had told him before the trip that i didn’t want to go because i didn’t see why i had to put on a smile if i didn’t feel like it to protect his secret, i guess he realized i was right and that it wasn’t fair to me. i was really surprised he told them. i feel like whenever his or my family asks “so how are you” there is always another question being asked. since we moved to virginia almost 2 months ago we haven’t had family visit yet but i’m dreading it because i feel like every move i or he or we make is going to be analyzed and read into as to how we are doing. i hate that my family knows because i know they worry about me now which is something i never wanted for them. his mom cried when she found out and i’m sure mine did too. the kids don’t know because they were so young (3 1/2 and 1) but for weeks after i found out my daughter always asked me why i was crying and if i wasn’t crying she’s ask me if i was sad. I’m tearing up as i type this because it still breaks my heart that she saw me like that. i totally agree with you that infidelity hurts everyone not just the spouse. it’s such a selfish thing that i will never understand.

  • andrea February 15, 2012, 7:17 AM

    whoops, realized i mistyped. i meant to write to “jules” and not “jewels” lol.

  • kelli February 15, 2012, 7:30 AM

    Im writing to see if im in the wrong, my husbsnd cheared on me w a coworker. He had a few month sexual relationship and who knows how long emotional. In nut shell, situation was very ugly, but now the past 6 mos he is “trying” in his eyes to make it up and he hasnt been w her for a year yet im sure the emotional portion is still there. My question is, as we have 2boys 4 and 23mos, i have tried to work on it for marriage and boys sake, but im over it. Im numb to him i could careless i guess now and really i dont trust him. He still works w her tho schedules are flipped now (they are deputies) and if thsts the only reason caUse of off schedules what wouldnt stop him later? We have been married 12 together 18, but now im over it. Im tired and not happy anymore. i know our boys adore him, but whats best, stay and pretend to be happy to cover for his mistake or stay and sincerely try? I feel like roomate status most times, and im only 33, do i deserve to feel like this for rest of my life?

  • Mary February 15, 2012, 9:51 AM

    I found this site a month ago and I want to thank Jewels for her support and words of wisdom to all of us here that are suffering. I appreciate the stories you have shared with me so I wanted to tell you mine. My husband of 31 years cheated on me 6 months ago. He was at a volunteer function when he was approached by a woman who after talking with him for a while said he seemed like a nice guy and offered him a sex for money arrangement. She told him she was not looking for an emotional relationship but a sugar daddy and she wanted to be his mistress. We are retired and comfortable but not wealthy! She gave him her number and after 2 weeks of thinking about it and talking with her on the phone my husband took her up on her offer. He was with her for a second time a week later when I needed to get a hold of him and called his cell. He finally returned my call 30 minutes later and I asked him where he was that he was calling me back long distance when he told me he was going to poker game nearby. He lied and told me he was at his friends place. I hung up on him and when he came home he confessed that he was with another woman. I was in total shock! We have been together for 36 years, have two grown kids and a grandchild. How stupid of him to jeopardize everything we have worked so hard for all these years so he can get his ego stroked. I am so angry and hurt. He is full of remorse and shame. He said he was he was never looking for an affair but he was so flattered that another woman wanted him and he justified his actions in his head so he could get his selfish wants met. He has done all the right things on his own. He ended his relationship with her the next day, going to therapy, tested for STD’s and being very patient with me answering all my questions over and over again. He reads the books and online articles and is communicating his feelings, something he has never done before. I know I should be happy that he has done all these things but somedays I feel that this just isn’t enough. My father was a serial cheater so I know the devastation that this causes a family. My husband knew my background very well and yet he still cheated. I love my husband with all my heart but sometimes I don’t know if I can live the rest of my life with this man who put himself first and hurt me so bad. Somedays I don’t know why he even wants to save this marriage now that he is living with an insane wife. That’s what infidelity does in marriage. It makes you suspicious, paranoid and you question everything. This is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with but I think that we are on the right track for rebuilding our relationship. We both need to make changes in order for us to save our marriage. After being together as long as we were, we became complacent and took our marriage for granted. That said, there is never justification for a spouse to cheat. There are good days when we are closer than we ever were and bad ones when those damn triggers hit and I can’t get the pictures and thoughts out of my head. I don’t want to give up on us. We do love each other and have so much history together. Our old marriage was good but it is gone and I mourn that. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive and forget, I just need to accept that it happened and try to move forward. But if we can work this out and build a stronger foundation perhaps we will have a better marriage than the one before. I really don’t know what the future hold for us. The cut is still deep and we need love, patience and time for the wound to heal but I know that the scar will always be there.

  • Rhonda February 15, 2012, 12:16 PM

    Everytime I come back to check this discussion page I am always so sad for all of us out there that this has happened to. It is the most painfull thing that a woman can go through. I am glad that we have this place to put our thought and feelings down, I think that helps our process. With the mothers that wrote about the children, you hit it just right. I am torn apart that my kids see me cry about this all the time or ask me why I am so unhappy. My oldest is 8 and he has begun to act out in negative ways because I know he has an idea of what happened. I feel awfull about that, do you think my husband does? I feel like everyone that he knows should find about what he did because he can live life day to day without any consequences of what happened. Me, I have to face people everywhere wondering if they can tell that I am a marked woman. That I am a person that is so pathetic that this happened to me. It’s just plain sad and wrong. D-Day was 2 1/2 months ago and I still can’t get any of the bad thoughts out of my head. Our routine has begun to go back to normal, but there is no normal for me now. I can never trust him again and if the littlest things happens like him not answering the phone, or sending me an e-mail, or being in a bad mood, it causes me to go straight back to that place of where we were when I found all this out. This whole situation stinks for any woman and I wish there was a magic pill you could take to see what the future holds. If I stay will things get better, will he hold up his end of the bargain this time? If I go can I make it without him, can I take care of my four little ones on my own? Even if there is no magic pill I still wonder on a daily basis if I can ever survive this one thing that my husband chose to do to me…….It’s terrible that the person you place the most value in is the person that valued you the least. Thanks for listening all..

  • isthisreal February 15, 2012, 10:36 PM

    Rhonda, I have those feelings as well. Take a deep breath, stand up straight, and remember that you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of . He is the one who should feel shame. Be proud that you can honour your commitments and be the strong woman you know you can be.

    Have a conversation with your husband about how this is impacting your children. Don’t carry this responsibility solely on your shoulders. Take care of yourself.

  • Tina February 15, 2012, 10:49 PM

    Well I made it through yesterday! My husband had flowers delivered to me but it was really hard to get excited and for some reason all I did was cry today like as if I just found out yesterday not sure why. My children also have seen me cry and very sad one day I was just watching tv and started to cry my 9yr old son came over to me and said mommy it will be ok why don’t u just divorce him at that moment I realized omg my son is seeing this and he’s way smarter than me. I tried so hard to protect them but it was almost impossible not to show any emotion in front of them. One day I love my husband and the next I hate him can’t stand to look at him. Is that normal? Anyway just had an emotional day wanted to share some thoughts. Does anyone know of a good book that could maybe help me through this painful journey? Thanks for listening

    • Jewels February 16, 2012, 12:58 AM

      Hello everyone,

      So much to say, tried to at least reach some of the new ladies:

      Blondy – Very interesting story indeed. One thing that your story really confirmed for me is the concept that the ‘cheater’ has no idea how painful it is to be cheated on. You yourself cheated, and probably did not think or could not even conceive at the time how painful it was, and now that the tables are turned you are like OMG – this shit hurts!!

      Another thing that your story made me think of is when a person takes someone back after they cheated, does that secretly make the person that did not cheat feel like if they ever got in a situation where they did, that the other person would not leave because they stayed and endured the pain, so it’s like ‘now it’s your turn’. I always wonder that in the back of my mind.

      Because of your history of cheating I wonder if your husband feels this way. I actually wonder if he shared those details with you because in a way he was harboring resentful feelings that he never brought to the surface, so now that he has a change, he sort of went all the way, sharing details as sort of a way to release that hurt that he felt when you cheating in the the past.

      It is late into the night so I might be writing crazy here I am just thinking about the different ways to look at your story. Interesting, thanks for sharing.

      Sana from England – Him deleting his fb profile is a good step and a good sign (just make sure he doesn’t sign up under a different name). It has been a week, way to early to think about forgiveness, and should you stay or leave, emotions are too high right now. Just want and observe his behavior, see what he is up to as far as trying to make things work out. Your emotions will calm down a bit and be more rational, and at that point, you can revisit the conversation about forgiveness. Plus you will have more data as to see if he is serious about making things work…take care!

      Heidi – Loved your valentine’s day message :)

      Lady Gator – I started laughing when I say ‘the Kobe Bryant response’, too funny. But the wisdom you had in your comment was on point and valuable, thanks for sharing.

      MsThang – You are so welcome! I know you are in a position where you are mentally leaving but haven’t done it yet – that is great. I was once where you are right now. Mentally decided, but took me months before I actually left. I will tell you based off your story, he doesn’t have much to offer you, a part time husband being split with someone else, disrespect, and blame for everything. So every time you think ‘well, is this the right thing?’, just think about your husband, and know that you are moving toward treating yourself 100% of the time versus part time with someone else, no blame, a positive environment, and respect for yourself. My husband was similar, he was still seeing her and everything was my fault, money problems. So when I was leaving, I kept thinking about what I was leaving, and every time I thought about all the blame, the disrespect, it make it easier and easier to leave everyday. As far as support groups, I know they are out there, but I can’t think of any at the moment. Hang tight with this site, by June, I plan to share with women resources/sites from all over to help their journey through this – at least that is the plan :).

      Kelli – I will tell you in my situation, I was at a crossroads just like you, I tried to hang in there for the kids, but I was getting more miserable each day and ‘over’ the concept of staying for the kids because you know what ended up happening. I was so angry that I felt trapped that I would be upset all the time, arguing in front of the kids, crying in front of the kids, I couldn’t hold it together. And at the end of the day, your kids want nothing more in the world than to see you happy, seriously. And in seeing you happy, you teach them how to do the same. So I left and haven’t looked back. I am much much happier and I am stressed sometimes, but they get to see the mom that I envisioned being, versus crazy high strung mom. That is just how my thought process went when I was were you were. Take Care.

      Mary – I truly think that you and your husband can work. Men that actually confess versus us finding out are always a little higher in my book, I know they still cheating, but at least they felt bad enough to tell you, versus most men feel justified ‘well if you weren’t x, y, z, I wouldn’t of cheated.” He is doing things right but you also have to understand that you are not going to heal overnight, it takes time and you and your husband have to understand that in order for this to work. So 3 months from now, when you see a trigger and cry, know that it is ok and normal. You are right, marriage will never be the same, but you and him have an opportunity to discover things about each other that you never have before. I think you are about 6 months post affair, that’s early. Most couples that really stay together and are happy work at it hard for at least 1-2 years. But the ones that do work it out (and both people have to be willing), end up discovering a good thing. I know it’s hard, but try to hang in there. And if something in your heart is telling you this just isn’t going to work, that is ok as well. Trust your intuition. Best of luck to you.

      Rhonda/Tina – Kids seeing you cry – I have been there, I never would have thought I would be the parent crying in front of my kids, but I did, I couldn’t help it, I just couldn’t. This situation is very emotional, you are human. I hated when it happened because they are kids, they don’t know they just want you to be happy. Many times if you are upset are things are not right with the family, they blame themselves, not telling you this to make you cry, telling you so that you can be empowered with that information and use it to have a discussion with your husband or your child about it. I ask my child all the time, why does mommy live here? Because mommy make the choice to do so, I want to get out of her head that it had anything to do with her and I ask her to make sure she knows that. Hugs…….

  • Rhonda February 16, 2012, 7:33 AM

    Mary and Tina
    Mary, your after the affair story sounds almost exactly like mine. You have been married longer, but everything you said about him trying and you trying was as if I had written it myself. Wierd how alike we can be through the midst of this situation, especially when you feel like this doesn’t happen to other people because you are so ashamed it happened to you. Tina you sound exactly like me. Doesn’t matter what I am doing, something dumb can be said on the radio and I am back into outerspace mode and crying all the time. My son asked me the other day why I was crying and unhappy all the time lately. I thought the same thing. Boy this kids is smart and I must be a moron for staying with his father. I know I question myself and him everyday and that is what makes me feel like a nutball. Maybe at the end of all this I will have a better sense of myself that I lost when I got married and had kids. Thanks for this site, it is amazing to talk with others that are going through the same thing.

  • Mitch February 16, 2012, 8:07 AM

    Jules from USA

    Hi there.. i normally post under the other thread ” be prepared for the hardest..” and don’t often read this page when in fact I suppose the two threads should really be one.. as our husbands cheated and we stayed and it is the most difficult predicament to face in your marriage! I just read about you telling people and you asked if others had… I only told two people, one work colleague and my closest friend – in this country.. who is close but by no means a best friend – she is in the country I left 10 years ago.. however.. i regret telling this friend as she is not very lets say emotional and so any time we make a bit of progress and I mention it i feel she is belittling me as she knows what kind of person I am and i shocked that I decided to stay and not throw him out. I guess we all think we know what we would do until the situation becomes our own reality and then there is no reasoning! I don’t talk about anything to her now.. even when I have a melt down.. I tell no-one. Unfortunately my daughter found out not long after I did.. she tried not to tell me she knew but then she saw how sad I was every day and just text me to let me know. i was devastated that she found out.. she read a letter i sent him on his FB when he had left it open…i was mad she even looked at it but what is done is done. I try and keep all meltdowns away from her but unfortunately she has witnessed one or two – from afar – mainly via text when she is trying to comfort me – and it is awful. i hate that she knows! She is cordial to him as I asked her to be for my sake but there is a divide and i doubt it will never mend. My son does not know and i told her to please under no circumstances let him find out as the husband and he have some same interests and spend quite a bit of time together. Our family has never been a close family – as in loving- but we always do things together – go out on drives – outings – walks etc… so it is good that way as i see friends families who do nothing together.!! I know if my son found out he would destroyed as he loves me to bits and would side with me.. even though he wouldn’t want to take sides! I would never want his relationship between himself and his dad to be destroyed! Even if we end our relationship I will try keep it from my son what the real reason was! As for my work colleague, I asked her not to tell anyone and even though she said she didn’t – I sometimes doubt it but will never know. I guess i keep looking at people and wonder do they know. I asked her not to as sometimes my husbands does work at my hotel and I can’t have it affect our financial side of things.. this is why I asked her to please not tell.. I regret telling her too but I had to as the day I made my discovery I had just come back from the USA. I had not sleep for 2 days and was due in work the following day after the discovery.. i couldn’t take the time off as we were short staffed so I had to hold back my tears and go in like nothing had happened. To say I was a wreck in an understatement but I had no choice. I ended up in hospital 2 nights later with panic attacks and had to take the day off but of course work just thought it was a stomach problem! I feel I can’t tell my family as they idolise him and my mom is in her mid 89’s and would devastate her.. i couldn’t do that. Then the fact that we are trying.. if I knew that they knew and saw us at happy times I would always think they were sniggering. I guess it would be good if people knew yet at the same time I don’t want the pity vote! It’s just my personal view. It would be great to have someone to talk to… i do miss that! I can understand why you told that woman coz believe me a hundred times I have wanted to tell others.. i just wish i could and say to hell with the consequences!!!!!!!!!!! Go YOU! And bugger what your husband says about it – he has no say in the matter!!!!!!

    Michelle from Oz – wow -how do you keep it calm!!?? The expletives that have come out of my mouth could start a whole new dictionary!!!!! I guess as I just said we all have our opinions until we are in that position! If I could send you strength I would.. how awful for him to say to you he thinks he loves the other woman!!!!!! OMG – men are just such bloody dickheads! As i said to Ella… I picture the flintstones with the Club in hand… and I wish it was me beating the crap out of him!!!!!!! arghhhhhhh!!!!!

    Lisa P
    As said I tend to be on the other thread so I missed all the part about your MIL – sorry! You are 100% right in standing by what she asked – it was her wishes – who are they to change that?? Yes.. I am married to a Catholic and by god they are the biggest hypocrites ever! Mt MIL – Outlaw more like it or wicked witch as I call her.. goes to church 3 times a day – calls our children bastards as we weren’t married in a catholic church – even though I only had them 2 years after we were married… wouldn’t speak to them on the phone when she did actually decided to call on the very odd occasion – probably once a year – and would say can’t waste money talking to them…. and yet she calls herself a good catholic! ha ha yea right! I live in this country full of catholic churches and catholic beliefs when it suits them!!! You had every right to stand up for her!!!!
    Right ho.. off to work now.. onwards and upwards and maybe tonight i shall start carving on that club just to have it ready to hand for the day I do loose all sanity!!!!! he he

  • Rita February 17, 2012, 10:16 PM

    Hi Ladies, I am so glad that I found this forum. It helps me a lot with my problem reading about different stories. In january I have found out that my husband sent flowers to a woman. When I first suspected that something is not right about him sending me flowers I looked at our bank account and found that there were two flowers sent. He denied sending flowers to anyone he said that the flower was for me but the flower company made a mistake. When a few days later I asked he he sorted it out he lied again and I said its time to tell me the truth. He said it was to a woman who he spoke on the phone and she helped him deal with a very hard time he was going through, I said its not a problem but who is she? He said he made a promise to her that he wont reveal her name because she doesnt want to get involved. Well my question is how did he know her address?
    I dont know what to do he says there was nothing physycal and if I think so then he will move out. When I asked him if he wants to divorce or separate he said not at the moment but he doesnt know.
    What should I do? How can I trust him?

  • Hope February 19, 2012, 10:17 AM

    Hello Ladies, I just found this website! My husband had an affair with a woman about 10 years younger than himself for about one month before I blew the whistle. That was four years ago this April and we are still married and yes, I am still struggling with my “trigger” but we are happy and he is a support to me in those times. BUT it was not always like that…if you are committed to staying in the relationship, you need to set up boundaries for yourself….he has to drop all contact with the OW, completely and even communicate to her, in a way you are comfortable, that he can no longer see her or receive emails. text, phone calls ect from her. My husband was unable to do this until almost one year after the affair ended but did not communicate to her at all in the meantime. The hardest thing for me is that he showed so little remorse, until about 2 years after the affair ended. I look back on it now and think it was because he could not deal with what he had done, and so he had to emotionally distance himself from it, therefore not feeling anything. He is so much better now and we have moved on in our lives…our marriage will never be like before, I had to mourn that as I was very happy then, but it is much healthier and stronger now. Be encouraged ladies, this will get better…no matter what you do…stay or leave….but remember to take care of your heart, it is already broken, be wise in making your choices about what to do and if you aren’t sure, take some space from him until you do know. Don’t make any rash choices due to your emotions. I hope this helps!

  • andrea February 19, 2012, 12:13 PM

    so i decided to stay and work things out and even though it made things easier it is by no means easy. the last few days have been hell. i’ve been crying all night and i now during the day. i can usually switch gears while my kids are awake but these last few days i can’t. i think the gravity of his betrayal has really sunk in (i thought it did before) but i guess not. the pain is just unbearable. i want to crawl into a hole somewhere and just go to sleep and have the world disappear. i feel like a mental patient because i feel like my grip on reality is slowly slipping away. i’m questioning my decision about staying. i’m hoping this is just a phase like it usually is and am waiting for it to pass. for whatever reason this one is really fierce. i feel so alone and am so angry at everything and everyone. i’ve been brushing my kids off on my husband and it kills me when i turn them away. i just can’t let her see me cry again like she did over the summer..

  • Michelle February 19, 2012, 6:10 PM

    Hi ladies am back and need some advise. From previous posts you know that my husband’s affair of 4 years (still not sure it is actually over) came out in the open 18 months ago. He only comes back here every couple of months for 10 days at a time and last week arrived for his visit, only to have to go back today as there is a political issue needing his urgent attention where he works. Blow me down when I downloaded my emails there was a request from the OW to befriend me on facebook.
    Suggestions please, do I accept, and sit back and see what happens and see what else I find out, is this the universes way of telling me that there is more I need to know. She has never tried to contact me in any way this is a first, and I was totally floored and could not stop shaking. I know that I don’t know everything and it is a topic that is not allowed to be discussed, as far as he is concerned it must be forgotten. Am not sure quite what to do about this.

  • Rhonda February 19, 2012, 8:00 PM

    To Andrea,

    You are not alone in feeling like a mental patient. I feel the same way as you do and no matter whether it is 2 weeks or 2 months I still find myself feeling like I am crazy with all of my thoughts. There are times I cannot get through a day and I am so tired of my thoughts randomly going to this situation at all times. I just wish that I could get the whole thing out of my head and leave it, but it happened and I know that we will eventually find strength. I don’t know where it will come from as I am not there yet, so hang in there because you are not alone and you are not crazy. I love this site because here is the only place that other woman actually understand what I am going through and are not judging me for staying and being crazy in the meantime. Thanks to all.
    To Michelle
    My advice to you is to go with your gut. I made the choice to contact the OW because I had to know all the facts and to see what she had to say, who she was, and what she was like. If you are scared to contact her because you are afraid of the truths or things she will say that might change your mind then don’t do it. I know alot of people say that you shouldn’t know all the facts because it just makes things worse, but I think that not knowing is the worst part of all. There is a reason she friended you, but only you can decide if you really want to know why.

  • Michelle February 19, 2012, 8:31 PM

    Dear Rhonda, thank you so much for your thoughts, my gut is telling me to know everything so that I can protect myself, more afraid of all the feelings as I have been to the very bottom and am just slowly crawling out, think it is time though and think I do have the strength thanks to being able to finally have this site to talk with you all as I have kept everthing to myself for all these years. Definitely agree tht there is a reason she has friended me. Hope you find some peace of mind, I still can’t, those though just wizz around and it takes time to control and think of other things when they come around, but oh boy it is hard, it is so good to know that the crazy thoughts are something we are not judged for here. Thank you for the support and thoughts.

  • NH February 19, 2012, 10:21 PM

    Michelle,
    My advice would be not to friend her. It is only going to mean more heartache for you. Knowing details is not going to protect you, it will only serve to torment you with things that will hurt you. I also think that by friending her, you will be giving her the upper hand. I think the OW only contact the wife because they are mad at the man and are trying to force him to make a choice one way or another or to hurt you as the wife. If you decline her request, you are showing her that she is not worth your time. I don’t know everything about my H’s affair and I don’t want to know. I know very little about the OW. What I do know is that she was furious when my H cut ties with her and that’s when she called me. When I also ignored her and changed all our numbers, I heard she was out of control angry. Luckily, she lives in a different city and does not know where we live. So, my advice is not to friend her – don’t give her the power to hurt you any more than you have already been hurt.

  • Rhonda February 20, 2012, 1:15 PM

    Today is a really bad day. I don’t even know why, but I cannot stop getting crazy terrible thoughts out of my head. Today is one of those days where I just don’t even want to see him or even go home to my house. I know it is worse for me today because I don’t have the kids here at work with me and they are not around to snap me out of my moments where I space out. I just can’t get over the blatent disrespect. I mean lets move past for a moment that a human being could ever conciensously hurt someone like this, but the blatent fact that as a human that you are that disrespected is bugging me today. The fact that I meant that little to you that you think you could do this to me. The fact that I was replaceable to you. All of these things keep bouncing in my head and I am questioning whether I even want to stay here and fight for this marriage. I know he is trying now, but what about in 6 months when he feels safe and comfy again, will this happen again. I am scared every day of my life and I want to know when will I ever get myself back? I don’t want to feel crazy like this anymore, I don’t want to hurt anymore, when will this stop?????????

  • Tina February 20, 2012, 3:19 PM

    Michelle- I too have had contact with the OW she would call me every time my H would make her mad and tell me things so I would leave. Her friending you is her way of hurting you more don’t fall for it! If she was any kind of women she would be showing some sort of remorse but don’t hold your breath! I’ve come to realize that the OW does not care how we feel and they thrive on hurting us as if we haven’t been hurt enough. I will say I do look at the OW facebook from time to time and I can tell u it just makes me angry. Do what u think is right but don’t let her have the upper hand. I wrote the OW a message telling her exactly what I thought of her just for my sanity then I blocked her so she could not respond because I could care less what she thinks! Hang in there honey this is not an easy road but we can do this! Rhonda- sorry u are have such a bad day I still have quite a few of those and I wonder myself is this pain ever going to stop. Every time I get in my car I stay crying not sure why but that seems like when I break down the most my therapist tells me I need to replace those thoughts with positive but its really hard I’m still working on it. I stay angry all the time and that is not me! This has changed me as a person and I still question my decision to stay. Some days I hate him its hard to look at someone every day that has hurt you so bad. I think its ok for us to feel like were going crazy its part of our healing let it all out! Hope your day gets better try to stay strong we’ve come this far!

  • Hope February 20, 2012, 3:56 PM

    I totally agree with Tina! Don’t befriend her. If she wants to speak to you do it on your terms…just think, you might be able to see her status ect but she can see yours too! I had contact with the OW and it was a disaster!

  • Karen February 20, 2012, 5:48 PM

    Michelle–I agree with the other ladies and would not befriend her. She is ot worth your time and why bring yourself to her level. It can not help you in anyway in the long run. Also if she really cares how you feel she never would have let the affair happened in the first place.

    Rhonda–so sorry you are having a bad day. Can feel for you. Do know that things will get better. Stay strong and only set small goals for yourself. Just getting out of bed is one, and the next could be not crying or thinking about things for one hour. Do something special for yourself.

    It has been a while since I have written but I am reading everyone’s post and praying for all of you. I am so sorry we have to meet like this, but grateful at the same time that we have each other to lean on.

    Reading everyone’s post also makes me sad to think that while everyone else is working on things, I am making plans to leave. I have tried to work on things for the last 6 months without the direct help of the man who caused all this my H. He has not gone for counseling, refuses and I know that he is secretly having contact with the OW. I have tried to throw him out a few times in the last few months, but he refuses to leave. The other times when he did leave he only stayed with her at the most 10 days. She lives in another state. It is so hard to leave with someone who is still emotionally distant and is fighting depression. So last weekend I went and found an apartment to move into and am now in the process of making this happen. Very scary, also need to let him know soon that I am making this move. Not sure what is going to happen, but ready to face the world with my head held up high and to get out of this triangle that he has created.

    Ladies remember that no matter what happens we will be ok, and we have nothing to be ashamed of.

  • ladygator February 20, 2012, 6:44 PM

    @ Karen

    Reading your post was almost like a deja vu of what I just did. After repeated requests to get himself into counseling (in which he *said* he would, but never did), as well as other continued behavior which simply reinforced there was no change on a fundamental level, I decided to move out. My New World Order began on Feb. 11. I laid all my plans, put certain valuables into a safety deposit box, got a small self storage unit, and moved out certain things that I didn’t think he would notice. On “the big day” I got my brother to come over and move a TV, a few pieces of furniture and boxes (I recently had major shoulder surgery and have lifting restrictions) and most importantly, my kitty. I called him an hour before he got off work and said “Why don’t you meet me for dinner” which he did, and I broke the news. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But necessary. He just thought that all he needed to do was what I categorize as superficial nice things. However, his dismissiveness of my feelings had continued, and was making major financial decisions without including me and then consciously keeping it from me. I had been toying with the idea of moving out for several months. My fear of his pain, my pain, etc. paralyzed me. Then one day, I heard Neal Boortz, a talk show host state “Wallow in too much sensitivity and you can’t deal with life or the truth.” I decided to quit wallowing. I had told him at one point that I would give our marriage more time if he got into counseling. Actions (or in this case, inaction) have consquences and it was time to call him on it. Although on some level he wasn’t suprised (in the sense that he knew our marriage was on th rocks), but on another level, he looked like the school yard bully who just got punched in the nose. I don’t think he thought I had the stones to actually do it. I got the usual “I’ve been trying harder, I don’t see what benefit counseling will have for me, yada yada yada.” I had to draw him an analogy that he would understand. “Pretend you have a car. You have been told you have bad brakes. You know you have bad breaks. You are headed for a cliff and can’t stop because you have no brakes. But rather than fix the brakes, you wash and wax the car. Looks great on the outside, but mechanically still headed for disaster. You need to have your emotional and mental brakes fixed.”

    I know this is a thread for staying after affairs. Although his affairs happened a few years ago, I find myself still suffering the effects from them. And simply put, affairs are a manifestation of disrespect, just on the most hurtful level. Although I am pretty sure he hasn’t had any subsequent affairs, he continued other secretive types of behavior that simply erroded my trust, in additional to his verbal abuse. I think trust is like being pregnant. Either you have it or you don’t. I don’t trust him. I constantly found myself looking through his phone, mail, filing cabinet, closets, etc., but now not just for women, but financial matters, porn addiction, and who knows what else was. I wanted to know, but yet lived in fear of what I’d find. And I was a former investigator for a law enforcement agency so believe me, I was quite good at digging.

    Although moving out was scary, and telling him was difficult, having time for myself at my own place has provided me so much peace to think and sort things out. I am reading a book called “Necessary Endings” by Dr. Henry Cloud. Although I am not done reading it yet, based on what I have read so far, I would recommend it. It discusses various types of necessary endings that we face in life — personal, business, friendships. I am facing all three at the same time right now. And “endings” doesn’t necessarily mean the ending of the relationship, but can mean the ending of destructive behavior, although that sometimes requires the ending of the relationship to stop the toxicity in our lives.

    Anyway, to Karen, and anyone else moving out, or considering it, I understand what you are going through. It isn’t easy, but I would say it has been a major step in my healing, whether or not I make this permanent or not. On an interesting side note, I went over to my home to get a few more things while he was at work and saw the name of a woman written on a piece of paper. Of course, my first reaction was a new OW, but when I researched it, I found out it was a counselor, but the point is, that my first reaction was suspicion.

    Wishing you all peace and clarity…….

  • Michelle February 20, 2012, 6:55 PM

    Ladies thank you all so much for your comments they have been so very helpful and made me feel a lot better. I spent the day shaking and got myself into a complete panic. Just seeing her name sends me into all those thoughts and emotions that I am trying so hard to put behind me.
    Rhonda hope you are feeling better today, I am also scared, the utter panic comes and goes, but am getting better at controlling it. I know where I need and want to be, but have no idea how to get there, so just take one day at a time and build my strength.
    Tina you are not wrong, this does change us, I know I am a different person, the way I look at the world has completely changed. My daughter who is 25 said to me over the weekend that she wanted her mum back, the person who could light up a room and make a persons day with a kind word and smile. I know I have lost me, but have never actually got angry which is probably strange. Am now about finding me again and knowing that I need to find me. Hope your day has got better.
    Hope thank you aswell.
    Karen thank you, you are amazing, you are going to be okay and look what you have done for yourself, and only for yourself. Keep holding your head up and know I am thinking of you and the inner strength it must have taken to do what you have done.

  • WishICouldBeNormal February 20, 2012, 7:00 PM

    I was going to tell you about the affair. Decided not to. The reason I’m here is that even though he came clean, repented, stopped anything to do with her, I can not get past it.
    I know in my heart I have forgiven him but I live in constant fear. He was very sneaky, used emails I didn’t know about, used IM’s I couldn’t get histories for, had the number ID as his friends (it was his friend’s wife) and bought a pre-paid phone when I had found out about the 700+ text and calls to her in a week. All of that time he looked me right in the eye and lied to me with absolutely no effort. He then tried to make me think I was crazy.
    Problem now is that even if he is totally faithful now I still live with the what if’s. There are no words to describe what his affair has done to me. The closest I can come to explaining it is hell. Well, he took the blame, said he was totally responsible. He held me when I’d cry (funny but I did the worse of the breakdowns alone, only once, when he told me, did I really lose it in front of him and never, not once have I yelled or called him names..not since I found out). Now it’s been a year. I do better but still have some sore spots.
    I asked him the other day why he loves me now but didn’t then. What’s so different (other than the fact that I do everything he wants) and he said I was a nice person now and I was mean to him before. Now, let me say, there is some truth to that, but let me also say that for 20 years he was the most hateful, selfish, neglectful, negative man you could ever meet. One counselor from years ago said he was the most narcissistic person he had seen in 30 years of practice. He also had 2 instances of being caught having phone sex with women he had met on line over the course of eight years before his affair had happened. So yeah, I could be a little mean sometimes, I have limits and he walked all over them.
    Here’s the problem. What I “heard” the other day was “Why can’t you just move on and get over it already. It’s been a year for crying out loud. Besides, I love you now because you aren’t mean to me and that is what made me have the affair. It was your fault be since you aren’t mean and do everything I want other than wipe my butt for me I’m happy and won’t have another affair”. I’ve had a really hard time with self esteem the last year. I’m heavy and she’s really skinny. I’ve rather plain and she’s pretty. But what he did the other day was worse that thinking I can’t measure up physically. He took a hit at who I am.
    I’m glad he’s happy, who wouldn’t be. But the only thing I’ve gotten was his not cheating. I feel like he doesn’t think I’m worth the effort. I feel like he settled for me because he found out what she was really like. I feel like he wouldn’t be here if she hadn’t made the mistake of focusing on the money she didn’t want him to give me in a divorce.
    I don’t know if he really loves me or is settling until something better comes along.
    I’m miserable. Truly and utterly miserable. ;o(

  • andrea February 21, 2012, 8:16 AM

    rhonda – thank you for your validation. even though he listens to me without saying anything i still don’t think he really gets it. here i know all you ladies do. i too love this site because i can say what’s on my mind and know that i’m understood.

    wishicouldbenormal-i totally understand the “what ifs” it totally sucks because you wonder if you’re wasting your time and your life on a man who is going to hurt you again and unfortunately the only way to know is through time. and i totally understand the feel ins of “what’s different now than before” my husband told me once after i was done crying that he believes in us and it got me so mad because even though i knew what he meant all i could think of was so now you believe in us because i’m sticking by you but before you didn’t. what makes now so different? it took cheating for you to realize what you had? i know you won’t believe me but it doesn’t matter what you look like. women of all ages looks and personalities get cheated on. i really believe that if a man is going to cheat he is going to cheat and it doesn’t matter what we look like or how nice we are or aren’t. it takes a certain amount of selfishness to cheat which has nothing to do with you. as for what you said about the whole nice thing, even though there might be responsibility to be had for your actions it still doesn’t excuse the fact that he went outside the marriage. he could have come to you and talked about things if he was that unhappy but he didn’t. he chose to cheat. i hope you find ways to get your self esteem back because i’m sure you’re an amazing woman. maybe if you find a way to feel better about yourself maybe you will be able to know if you’re settling for him! don’t give him all the power of choice because you deserve to be happy – we only live once, right?

  • Rhonda February 21, 2012, 8:29 AM

    Karen and LadyGator,

    I am truelly envious of how strong and brave the two of you turned out to be after all of this. I only hope that I will eventually be able to find the strenth to figure out who I am again and what I really want and what is true or not or just finding the peace that you two found. It’s very encouraging to know that maybe someday I could be where you two are.

    I wish I could be normal

    Perfect screen name by the way. I feel the exact same way you do and my husband told me the same thing. He took all the blame and said how sorry he was, but in the same sentence said he felt lonely and felt like I was being mean and judgemental all the time. He must have forgotten that he always had another woman from the time after I had my first child 8 years ago. He always said they were just friends that he needed to talk to, BS, and after 4 kids and 8 years it finally came down to the went he went a little to far with that was a complete secret and I found out by accident. I said the same thing to him, why do you love me now that I found out? Why didn’t you love me while you were doing all this to me . He said he always did love me, just was lost…..what a crock of crap. Anyway, I thank you all for your thoughts, it really means alot. I don’t know why this week has been so hard and just won’t stop. Maybe it is a sign to me that I am not doing the right thing by staying. It’s just with the 4 kids at 8, 6, 4, 3 I don’t think I could go anywhere to get away from this right now. A part of me really wants the space to not look at him everyday and to find myself, but I would be so embarrassed to explain to my family and friends what I am doing. This also rings in my head. When I first found out that he had secretly met this woman several times and there was physical contact involved, this was after he lied to me about that truth, I asked him to leave. He told me that if he left he didn’t think that he would come back. Boy, that is really love for you, after I heard that, all I could think about was my kids and how they would probably never see their father again. You know, it’s not like he just did this to me, he chose these realtionships with the OW’s over quality time with me and my kids. I wish their was a magic pill that could help me see the future and tell me what is right for me to do. I am so lost. I wish I could afford a counselor, but do they really help? Any advice on counseling?

  • Rhonda February 21, 2012, 8:35 AM

    Anrea

    I just read your post and what powerfull words. It sounds like you are in a good spot today. Isn’t it funny how some days we sound like strong independant women and then the next day we sound like raving dependant maniacs. I mean it’s not funny, it’s really sad, but true.

    I thank everyone for their time here. This is the only thing keeping me feeling a little sane right now. I can’t tell my friends because I don’t want to hear the poor you or the judgement for staying and I can’t tell my family or his because mine are all very close and it would just be to embarrassing for me and his family are a bunch of losers and would just not talk to him more than they do now. Part of the reason why he has been doing what he has been doing with these emotional relationships for the last 8 years because of the mommy and daddy don’t love me syndrome. O.K. Sorry, rambling just wanted to say thank you, thank you, thank you……

  • Hope February 21, 2012, 8:36 AM

    Andrea – Hang in there…you are right, he does not get it. My husband and I have worked though our crap and our almost for your post- affair and I still don’t think he totally “gets it” from my perspective anyways. If he got it, he would have been looking outside himself about how his actions would affect you…but he did not he cheated instead. My husband and I went into counselling post-affair for almost five months, separately, with different counsellors to get our crap straight. He was mourning the OW, and it was too painful for me to hear anything of the affect, I was dealing with mourning too, but of the man and relationship I thought I had. It was so painful, it is still painful to speak about but we both needed those outlets before we were ready to talk about “us” and what happened. This was especially hard for me because when I found out about the affiar I had also found out about being pregnant…what timing eh! So I was so ready to leave him before the baby was born if we did not come to some kind of relationship that I could live with. I realize that the affair had very little to do with me, I mean yes, there were issues in our marriage but it was HIS choice and HIS actions not mine. My counsellor helped me understand that most men who have an affair will usually distance themselves emotionally from the event as it mean facing what he truly did and what that might mean he “is” and how he looks at himself or others for that matter.
    DON”T LOOK for any validation on HIS part, it sounds like he just isn’t there right now, but you need to look after yourself, you have been betrayed deeply. Have you ever thought of going to counselling by yourself to help you through this? My thought are will all you women…I know the pain you are in. It is awful and should never happen to anyone. I still struggle with triggers and insecurities to this day it can bring me to tears at the drop of the hat. There is HOPE….even if you feel like there is no end to this pain.

  • Numb February 21, 2012, 12:35 PM

    It’s been almost 2yrs since I found out about the last affair and around 5 years since I found out about the first affair. I’m still waiting to ‘feel normal’ – maybe this is my new normal? If so I don’t like it. Not one day goes by that I don’t think about what he did and wonder how you could hurt someone so deeply that you ‘love’. Even though I stayed and I think about it daily – I no longer care to be in this relationship – I stay because I don’t want to hurt my kids -I know it’s not an excuse but that’s the way I think. My youngest is 10 and I know he would be devastated -I just think it’s a bad age to disrupt his life. I also think about birthdays & holidays and how I don’t want my kids to feel split between us. I think in my situation I stayed because I am weak – not because I am strong….

  • WishICouldBeNormal February 21, 2012, 1:59 PM

    @ Numb- You are not weak at all. I takes a lot of strength to slow down long enough to take your kids’ needs into consideration before you do anything. You did the best you could to put them first, that’s not weak. If you truly don’t want to be there the best thing for you is to start making plans for you to be able to leave. It may not be today or next month but just knowing you are heading there may give you relief. Also know this: just because their dad is in the house doesn’t mean he’s involved. If he is really involved it’s because he cares and if he truly cares about his children you won’t be able to keep him away much less have to beg him to be around. If he doesn’t then they probably don’t have much of a relationship with him even with him being there.
    In my case I don’t want to let go. My husband was my high school sweetheart, we will be married 30 years this coming fall. I cannot see myself with someone else and I hate being alone. All of my children are grown (although still at home). I very seldom worked during all of those years. He didn’t want me to (sore spot, while he told me he didn’t want to I had to hear it from the other woman that “he’s been tired of you sitting on your fat lazy a** while he had to work more than one job to pay the bills”). I have a job now (since he said he was going to divorce me and it would be ugly) but it’s only part time and only pays minimum wage. I couldn’t survive on that even if I got half of the retirement and some alimony. All of that together made divorce unthinkable. I will tell you one thing though, I AM strong enough that if he EVER cheats on me, in any form be it cyber sex, sexting, phone sex, or physical sex again I will get a divorce if it means I have to live in my car for the rest of my life. I WILL NOT go through this again.
    Keep your head up, you are doing the best that you can. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

  • isthisreal February 21, 2012, 3:33 PM

    Hi, I hope this site encourages everyone to move forward, even if only one day at a time. My counselor told me to try the odd/even exercise to determine what I want to do about my relationship. On even days live like you’re committed 100% to staying and working hard and see what that looks like. On odd days live like you’ve committed to leave, search for apartments, lawyers, think about things you would do if you had free time. Maybe it will help resolve the confusion about what to do. I’m starting tomorrow, will let you know!

  • Michelle February 21, 2012, 4:33 PM

    Hi Ladies, well I had an eventful day yesterday, after getting the facebook request from the OW early in the week, I find out that there are others, apparently one whilst he was with the OW, and since he left her one between that and another now current, so have now had to ask someone in that country to find out if this is true. So today is a bad day, how much more am I supposed to take, I cannot stop shaking since I heard all this yesterday evening from a contact who thought I should know.
    “WishIcould be normal” I am in a very similar situation, not worked for all these years so basically unemployable. Have my own very small company which is just ticking over, so could not even support myself, guess today is going to be one of those bad days. Wonder if my life will ever be normal again, can only hope and try to be strong to move forward, just so scared and not quite sure how, all I do know is that I don’t deserve this and cannot believe someone could be so cruel.

  • WishICouldBeNormal February 21, 2012, 6:14 PM

    @ Michelle from Australia – ((((hugs))) I am sure there is a very strong woman behind all of the hurt. Don’t stop until you find her.

  • ladygator February 21, 2012, 7:44 PM

    @Rhonda
    Regarding your question about counselors and do they really help…. Finding a good counselor is harder than say, finding a good orthopedic surgeon {another area in which I have experience :) }. With a surgeon, the benchmarks are much more “quantifiable” – 5,000 sucessfull surgeries, etc. Finding a good counselor takes more research. I have been very fortunate to find an excellent one via the recommendation of people I know who have gone through similar problems (one of which was my mother who went through a horrible divorce) so she already knew all my “family baggage,” and what I have learned has been nothing short of epiphanic. She challenges me, my actions, and the way I think, and gives me “homework” – it isn’t just “tell me how you feel” type stuff. I went there primarily for me, the state of my marriage (and is still the primary reason) but the lessons and skills I have learned have translated into making me a much more resilient person on many levels – as a friend, as a daughter, as a wife (for now at least), and in my business life. Her office is 70 miles from my house and it is worth every mile. I have learned so much, but I will leave you all with what I think are two of the biggest lessons that I have learned:

    1. What you allow, you encourage (and that goes for everything in our life – kids, bosses, family members, friends, and of course, husbands)
    2. The person who loves the least controls the relationship

    I remember a line from “Under the Tuscan Sun” where Diane Lane is talking about the pain of infidelity and divorce and says “It doesn’t actually kill you…. It should…it should kill you instantly” and I remember thinking, that is exactly how it feels. In the meantime, I am waiting for a bird to poop on my head as a sign of good things to come. :)

  • Lydia February 22, 2012, 2:33 PM

    My husband claims that he cheated (webcam sex, emails, chatting, comments, etc for 6 years with multiple women he’s remained in contact with) because it was his way of dealing with stress and that he didn’t want to burden me with it. ( I wrote more about my situation under My Story previously)

    We’ve since gone to therapy but it hasn’t helped me. HEsays HE feels better but it feels as if it’s been at MY cost – MY selfesteem, MY peace of mind and ME pulling away from him! I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him – Don’t stress him out – plays on loop in my mind now. I don’t dare fuly express myself around him for fear of him feeling “stressed” and returning to his coping behaviour.
    At the same time, I am so filled with rage I have no idea what to do with it.
    We have a new born and I’m civil, but what I really want to do is scream at him and hit him with my shoe! ( I would never do that though).

    I’m afraid of staying with him simply because of our baby. I’m afraid of never being able to forgive him. I’m afraid of becomming a bitter person. I’m afraid of raising my child in a home where mommy doesn’t trust daddy and she learns this behaviour and adapts it to herself. And I’m really afraid of him cheating again IF I decide to take him back.

    My question is, when do you know when to end it and when to fight for it? He’s fighting, I feel it and I can see that he’s honestly trying. I on the other hand am a wreck. It cuts deep, maybe too deep.

  • Ella February 22, 2012, 3:27 PM

    Oh Lydia — I’m sorry to hear your story. I’m struggling with a similar situation and it’s been almost a year since D-day. All I can say is that I’m praying that an answer comes my way and I know what to do. I have chosen to stay for now to work on it as best I can — that way I will have no regrets or a guilty conscience that I didn’t try. One thing is guaranteed — and that is that there are no guarantees he will be faithful — that is what is the hardest to live with. But that is reality now. I think about it EVERY day. He had multiple emotional affairs (one he said the L word after about a week) — and he also said it was a coping mechanism with stress of a new job and issues at home — including adult children who are struggling in their lives. I have never heard of this so I’m interested in hearing what your H says to you about it. My H is really doing the work too — but in the past year, I’ve realized what has really scared me the most ……. MY feelings…….. I used to be “in love” with him and was truly devasted by what I discovered. Now — after he is trying so hard to make it right, I’m so afraid my love for him isn’t the same. I love him but I’m more numb now –pretty much about everything — joy and sadness — both emotional swings aren’t as intense anymore. Despite us being closer now than we were before — there is still a wall up deep down inside me. I think it’s about my own self-respect. And how could I stay and feel the same about someone who could do that. How can I live with that — for me????? That is what is scariest — that I will stay in a now-flawed marriage — one in which he must have loved me less than I love him. It’s that “fall from grace” from the ideal of the happily ever after I was hoping for. I’m sorry about your situation, but stay strong. I can’t believe you have been civil — :) I was not. I threw things and still slam things down when I’m in the middle of a trigger episode. You are stronger than you think and your answers will come in time. Jewels’ book is awesome. She and the other ladies here have great input. I hope you can find some time and peace just for you during this period. It’s the rollercoaster from hell and you need to take care of you right now.

  • ladygator February 22, 2012, 9:02 PM

    Hi Lydia:

    How do you know when to end it? The $64,000 question. I asked the same question to my counselor several months ago and she said “When the time is right, you’ll just know it.” I remember thinking right at the moment, “WTF? You just charged an effing $160/hour for THAT?” But she ended up being right. Although I haven’t decided to divorce, my decision to separate wound up being like that. Certain things happened, in certain sequences, and at certain times in my mood or thinking and finally one day, he said and did something, and it just clicked in my head, “It’s time to separate.” And I knew it was right because it was the one time I had peace with that thought. Prior to that, I didn’t. The bottom line is listen to your gut and trust your OWN instincts. I now have more faith in MYSELF that I will know that if I decide to divorce, it will be the right decision and at the right time. I am the type of person who like to have things planned out way in advance. But in this situation, you can’t. I was once given advice by a recently divorced friend to subscribe to the ODAAT philosophy – One day at a time. It was very hard for someone like me to think like that (I am a professional planning consultant!), but in the end it has saved me. In fact, the week leading up to my move out, and for the 72 hours following my move, I was literally taking it a few hours at at time. Q: How will I get through to today? A: I don’t know, but I will just try to make it through the next 3 hours. Repeat process 3 hours later. Then, I would find myself making it through a day. I have increased my intervals back to a ODAAT. Sometimes I allow myself the luxury of thinking 2 days in advance. Someday, I will be able to think longer term again. But for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have HOPE.

    The biggest thing I struggle with is, how much DON’T I know about? If I stay, I am pretty sure that will always be bubbling in my mind just below the surface. I have to decide if the benefits of staying is worth being in that mental prison which I suspect will be forever to some degree. Some days I think about it more, some less. But not a day goes by since 2002 that the thought doesn’t come into my head. His recent finacial secrecy has simply reinforced this obssessive thinking. It’s like my own horrible, tortuous Groundhog Day movie.

    ODAAT…..

  • Lydia February 23, 2012, 5:40 AM

    Hi Ella!
    Thanks for responding to me. My H explained his “stress coping mechanism” was a way to show that he loved me. What?!?! Yes. He says that he wanted to be perfect for me, fault-free and that meant him not talking about his stress and handling everything himself. He says that he knows it was an f*cked up way to show his love. At the same time, he said that he felt guilty both before and after but that during he just clicked himself off – like he wasn’t himself. He claims that he couldn’t stop either. He says that he tried but just kept going back to it.
    I’ve since called bullsh*t since he’s done it during times of non-stress but our therapist says that he was addicted and that’s why he kept going back.
    Whatever – I don’t believe it. We’ve only been in counseling 5 weeks and she sees no need to continue talking with us since he hasn’t wanted nor thought about doing it again and claims that he’s “cured”, that he’ll never do it again. My head nearly exploded. How can anyone guarantee such a thing?! The first time we went to her, her first words to him were, “You don’t need to feel guilty. Nearly all marriages suffer from infidelity”. I let her have it. She has since apologized and says that she’s taken my words to heart, but I doubt it. I want a refund! Can I get it if her “guarantee” falls through?!?!
    My civility is hanging on by a thread, but it’s my baby that keeps me from losing it. I don’t want her to hear it. And, it kills me to know that she is affected by it. I know she can sense the change in me. My milk production is still affected.
    What has your H said to you about it?

    Hi Ladygator.
    Thank you for your advice. ODAAT sounds like a plan for me. I am also someone that plans waaaaaaaay in advance. My filofax proves it! You’re right, focus on getting through now and my needs. The 3 hour at a time plan sounds perfect.

    Thank you both for your help. Hugs, warm wishes and strength being sent from me to the both of you. We do deserve better! We are worth it!

  • Rhonda February 23, 2012, 8:25 AM

    Ella,
    My situation is exactly the same as yours. My husband started having his multiple emotional affairs about the first time I was pregnant in 2003. They continued with 4 different woman until this last and final one that I found out about almost 3 months ago. He also used the L word with her and that has devastated me to no end. We have not sought counseling as we could not afford it with 4 kids. My kids are the only thing that keep me going on a day to day basis as well and if it weren’t for them I am pretty sure I would have left. He is also trying and has cut all ties off with all of them, but to me it doesn’t matter how hard he is trying because he can never repair my insecurities now and can never repair what he has done to me. I want that question answered as well as to how do you know when to leave. I to feel emotionally numb except for the fact that I still get devastated every time I think of what he has done to me. My husband also told me that he was so stressed and unhappy and did not want to hurt me more than he all ready had. He also said that he felt awfull and guilty about all of it, but somehow lost his morals and values during them and tried not to think about how much it would be hurting us. I think that is bull crap also because I will never understand how if you really love someone that you could do that to them. Every day is a struggle, every day is different, every day I just try to do the ODAAT as well. This last week for some reason has been worse than others and for the first time I told him I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to work through this anymore. For the first time I felt good about saying that to him. I didn’t care if he heard that and went elsewhere for comfort because for the first time in 3 months I felt like I was taking a little piece of me back, weird I know. I feel so much for all of us going through the worst time in our lives. Good luck to you Ella, keep us posted and thanks to all the other women out there that read and respond to these. It really helps to keep the next hour coming knowing there are others that understand and don’t judge you as to what you are going through.

  • Ella February 23, 2012, 11:18 AM

    Hi Rec, Well — our stories really are alike. He said pretty much the same thing. He was unhappy at work and feels he has to keep the facade going because he is the provider — he’s stressed about his adult children (from a prior marriage) who aren’t excelling as he would like. And there were several other stressors going on at home. So they all contributed. No — they don’t want to disappoint us, but they do. They do things to feel better about themselves. In my case — I overheard a phone conversation and he said some pretty crappy things about living here — he was bored. And then he said the L word to someone else. She was all hot on the soulmate thing — but she’s married with a 9-year old. I told her husband and that shook her world I think. I really don’t know if my husband was trying to get back at me because he felt crappy about himself. Or if he just was trying to feel better. I can’t determine the motive…..even to this day — he says the same thing your husband does. Is it that they are really that insecure? Ugh. I do the ODAAT thing as well now. I’m at such a loss and though I’ve decided to stay for the lifestyle — I feel like I’m shortchanging myself by settling. I also now know there is NO happily ever after. But I know that what I now have to live with for the rest of my life isn’t a good alternative either. I hear about more and more issues — like the car analogy you used. There is no perfect relationship — so I don’t put that much importance on it anymore. I need to try to find something for me that gets me excited. I’m struggling with that since I quit my job last May. I have never not worked. That was part of the deal though — he thought I was too stressed at home too and that made him miserable. So off to continue to try to find myself! We will be ok. I know it.

  • Em February 23, 2012, 11:41 AM

    Hello ladies, I came across this while looking for answers on why I wasn’t good enough for my husband to have not betrayed me. I had been married for 10 years with 3 kids, nice house, seemed to be the “perfect family”. We got along great or at least I thought we did. My husband had befriended a guy that I didn’t really like or hate, there was just something about him that struck me wrong, well that was the first time that my husband had cheated at that time we were married for about 6 years. I found out and confronted him, he denied it…well I didn’t have any real hard evidence, just “hear say”. One nigh this friend asked me to have sex with him…it didn’t upset my husband, but it upset me. My husband and I fought about it over and over and he finally confronted his friend and they went their seperate ways. Not to mention my husband had develped a gambling problem duriing this time that he was hiding as well….I didn’t find out untill he was 30k in debt. Well, right before our 10 year anniversary we all went out and I was DD that night, I had left to take a sick drunk friend home, when I came back tot he bar I saw my husband kissing my son’s football coaches wife, I confronted him there and he said “I didn’t know you were coming back”…apparently. Long story short…he invited her to our house that night and she and her friends showed up…it got ugly. The next morning I did not speak to him….it took him two days to ask me if I was going to talk to him. His defense was that he didn’t remember anything because he was drunk…that was bs because he had told one of our friends about via text and I had already read it…he still denied having any knowledge of his actions. During all this the idiot told my brother that he had been texting a girl that he works with. Another long story short…I caught him via the cell phone records…then I went thru his phone early one morning…it was all right there…sexting, texting, pic’s…everything. That morning I confronted him, he said they were just friends and I had nothing to worry about and that he loves me. He looked me in the eye and straight out lied to my face. That night when I got home from work I told him what I knew and showed him my proof. He told me not to worry because he would never leave me for someone like her, he wouldn’t be caught dead in public with her. I stayed for about 6 months, that’s when I found out the OW was pregnant and due exactly 9 months from the time the affair started. I asked for a paternity test and he told me to f’off. I filed for divorce two weeks later. He kept telling me just to get over everything and we would be fine. My problem was that he would not be honest with me and was very angry and always yelling. He had made me promises of counceling, new job since they worked together, never being alone with her again (which was a lie), being a better husband adn father and putting me/us first and not his friends…that never happened. His mother and his sister came down on me for being selfish and leaving him, he made a mistake and he shouldn’t have to pay for it for the rest of his life.
    We have been divorced for about 9 months now and he has come back to me 3 different times wanting to work it out and has asked what it would take to do so. Each time I have told him the samething….give me what you promised along with a paternity test….he sasys he won’t and can’t do it any of it, I just need to put everything in the past and we will be fine. He came back again to ask to work things out and had agreed to do the things that he promised….then he met another woman about 2 weeks after our talk and has now decided that he can’t and won’t do what needs to be done to work it out with me…he has too much going on in his life now to worry about that. So, I told him that was fine and good luck with his future, I would no longer be here…I am not competing with anyone…if you truely love someone, they shouldn’t have to compete.
    I guess what I really want to say to all you ladies, is that whether its 1 time or a 1,000 times…it hurts and when you are good to someone and true to them and they blindside you with something like this…it hurts. Now, I’m still not over it and hurt on a regular basis because I now realize that I do not know who I was married to, we had been together for 17 years and I would have never imagined anythign like this and neither did any of our friends…he was living a double life. So ladies, keep your chin up and smile, love your kids with all you have, take time for yourself and hang with your girlfriends. I have a few girlsfriends that saw me stand up for myself and say I deserve better…..they are now standing up for themselves and two have left. They say that I was their example of a strong woman and that they too could survive because they have seen it with their own eyes.

  • Lydia February 23, 2012, 2:49 PM

    Em,
    To say that I am astounded by your strength is an understatement. You are a hero to yourself and your children. I myself am struggling with the idea of being a single mother, it’s scary to me. All my plans, hopes and dreams for my future as well as my daughter’s just vanished. I feel as if he took them all from us.
    Thank you for sharing. It means more to me than you can imagine.

  • Ella February 23, 2012, 3:21 PM

    Ugh — used Rec’s name instead of Rhonda — that goes to show you how messed up I am. I am trying to stay on top of several of these blogs — they are all so helpful. So I’m sorry — Rhonda — I meant you as your story is similar to mine.
    Lydia — I am curious about your therapist being ok with your husband being ok now. How does that happen? What was the root of the problem? Or is it as simple as they just don’t think the same way we do — that would be the real tragedy. We have invested so much in keeping the relationships going, and what does it really get us? I sometimes feel so down on myself that I see myself withdrawing from others. Since I quit my job, I’m more isolated now — that is not a good thing — but I just don’t feel like talking to people much anymore other than my really good friends. My D-day is in March and I still feel I have really bad days — I just don’t let it out as much. Em — as Lydia said — I’m astounded by your strength as well. And Lydia — you mentioned you feel your husband stole your plans, hopes and dreams — I couldn’t agree more. I hope God reveals why this had to happen — soon. I’m at a loss as to why we are all going through this. Hopefully to get to something better — but wow, this is a tough journey. Hope you all have a peaceful night and good dreams…..

  • Numb February 23, 2012, 6:19 PM

    @WishIcouldBeNormal – Your post helped me view my situation in a different light – thank you! I too married my highschool sweetheart – because we were expecting. The one thing my mother told me was to always make sure I could take of myslef & never rely on anyone else to do it – I think that’s the best lesson mothers can teach their daughters.
    I hope your situation gets better and you don’t have to go thru this ever again!
    BTW: I’m so thankful for this site and being able to release my feelings – sometimes that’s all it takes to feel better and get through the day….

  • ladygator February 23, 2012, 10:52 PM

    Em, you are my hero and I salute you. Thank you for your story. I have read it at least 4 times, and will probably read it some more.

  • Joan February 23, 2012, 11:18 PM

    This is a letter to all of you ladies who feel you have been betrayed.

    I believe, in most cases, if your husband betrayed you once, he most likely will do it again. My husband did, in 1987, and here we are in 2012 and I find myself in the same situation, he did it again. I am so angry with myself for trusting him. You can’t believe that you played by the rules for so many years and God only knows what he was doing. It is a terrible place to be in. I don’t know how this will end because it is very hard to like or even love him at this point in our marriage.

    I hope that you all make the right choice whether it be to stay or to leave.
    I cannot stress enough how very important it is that you ALWAYS REMEMBER what he did. If something doesn’t feel right make sure you question it. Better to leave when you are young enough to start over.

  • Mitch February 24, 2012, 4:02 AM

    Joan… I am sorry to hear it happened again! It does go to show that no matter what we believe or want to believe, the ol sayings always seem to be true! We can hope in all our situations it wont happen to us but I don’t think any of us will ever be comfortable in thinking it won’t happen again which is why we all have some paranoia when he doesn’t answer the phone, or stays out late etc etc etc! It’s a very sad way of existing and I say existing because at this moment in time that is what I am doing because by no means am I living! You don’t call it living when your head is constantly filled with questions as to what really went on because even though I have answers I will never have all the answers and for me the need to know what the missing pieces are is what keeps it the priority of my functioning brain! We can’t even escape to our dreams because there is always some part of this in there too! I now go to sleep with earphones in “watching” Big Bang Theory – I tend to fall asleep half way through it.. its a lot easier than closing my eyes and hearing my constant thoughts!!! One thing is for sure – I will NEVER forget it and hopefully in time it will fade but I will forever be on my guard! If after nearly a year later I still feel this bad then I have no doubt it will take a very long time to fade!
    Ella.. you say you ask yourself why stay.. I guess we all ask that and why do we inflict this misery on ourselves when we could just move on.. well… I guess it is not because we are not strong – I don’t think that has anything to do with it because as I said before I think it takes more strength to stay – however – I think we have very deep emotional ties to our partners and because we love unconditionally it is harder to give them up even after the despicable thing they have done! I am sure in time we will be able to decide whether to stay or not but I guess we believe we have enough love to overcome this or at least say we gave it our best to try and fix something we never broke! Then again – we could be saying bugger him – I am not letting him go so she can have him – I rather keep him and make him suffer.. ha ha.. psychology.. don’t you just love it!!!

  • Em February 24, 2012, 8:53 AM

    Hi Lydia, :) thank you for our kind words. For me being a single mother really wasn’t anything new…I was already alone and I was married. My 15 yearold told me that…he “said what’s so scary, you’ve been raising us while he’s been out doing his own thing”…it was an interesting insight on my sons part and he brought it to my attention that things were not as bad as what was going on in my head. And yes, I agree that they (the cheating husbands) do take away your future, hopes, dreams, trust…life. I’m still a work in progress but I will say that I decided…my ex can have all of that because I am going to make new dreams, hopes, a future and a life that doesn’t include all this drama. I will have to deal with him because we have kids but not on a regular basis. Ladygator is right with the ODAAT, it does take that perspective, well it did for me…to even be able to figure out what I was going to make for dinner. We all have to find strenght from somewhere…I have also decided to listen to my gut…it has never proved me wrong and has never let me down, it can’t be fooled :).
    Talking about it is good too, getting things off your chest, also knowing that you were not alone…there are lots of us out here that are going through this or have gone through it. I had and still do have issues to why I wasn’t good enough to have not deserved this, the only answer he gave me on that was I don’t know. I do hope that my story helps some and I also hope it helps my kids….this is something that they have seen first hand and I know my two oldest would never treat their spouses this way, my youngest is 5…also I hope it shows them to not take this treatment from someone either and stand up for themselves.

  • Michelle February 24, 2012, 7:14 PM

    Hi Em you are an inspiration and none of us deserve this. Am battling this week, now have the name of the OOOW, apparently she has been living with him for a while now, my daughter is also trying to stay strong, this whole thing gave her annorexia and so have had that to cope with along with what he has done and apparently still doing. It has been the hardest two years of my life, feel like I have been in a living hell, my daughter came so close to the end but is now working very hard to get better, I still feel every now and again when I get slammed in the stomach with more info that it is all my fault, even though I know it isn’t, he made his choices, he sent me here, I did what I was told, dutiful, faithful, loving to a fault. Why do they hurt us so, it is so cruel. Sorry, just a very bad week, at least here I know I am not alone, we all are in similar situations. Now have to try get back to finding my inner strength, does it ever get any easier when you find out more? I can only think from day to day now, hope one day to find that final strength where I can be me again, never the same me, think that is gone, but maybe a wiser, stronger me.

  • WishICouldBeNormal February 24, 2012, 8:30 PM

    Michelle – I can feel your pain clear across the ocean. I am no longer myself either. The good part of me feels defeated and beaten down and is in hiding. The ugly parts, the parts I have learned to keep down because I found them so distasteful have taken a lot of space in my life in the last year. I have never been a trusting person. I have issues from abandonment, verbal abuse, and molestation as a child. Yet, I trusted my husband as close to 100% as I could come and then he started hacking away at that trust until it is almost none existent.I’m never happy. There are days when I am less sad but never really happy. I have no dreams any more. All I have is getting through today. I hate this so much. What pisses me off more than anything at this moment is that the OW has gone on with her life. She has moved on to hunt down the next unsuspecting man while my life is in a thousand pieces. I don’t think she should be able to do that. I think she should be miserable every day of her life until I am able to be happy again. I love my husband so I want him to be happy but some days it bites that he is so overly happy and he gets upset with me because I’m not. He wants me to be happy he says. I have gone to work, given him all the sex he wants, when he wants, how he want, have become mindful of how I talk to him and have grown out both my hair and my nails to make him happy but I can’t make myself happy. That’s something he wants that I can’t give. Lord how I wish I knew how to make it happen. I sure wish he cared more about making that happen than just sitting back and saying he wants it. Uggggh! This whole thing is maddening.!

  • Joan February 25, 2012, 1:15 AM

    Mitch

    Thank you for writing back. I was curious as to your story so I went back to read it. I think we are both married to the same man…ha, ha! They are so much alike. My husband cheated for the 2nd time 8 years ago, but I just found out about it in Sept. 2011. Acquired some medical records from the doctor who was retiring and found out he had gone for a test because of unprotected sex. Anyway, I don’t feel as though I got the whole story either, still have many questions but he feels I should also go on with our lives and forget about it and stop asking questions there was nothing more to it. Stop making such a big deal over it, it wasn’t a big deal, so he says. He says it was not like that…romantic, loving, etc. It was sex after work in her car. He would come home from work between 7 and 8 pm, so it was quite possible that this did go on in her car for 1/2 hour as he said. My only comfort is that he never went out alone, or spent money, or spent time on the computer. I guess it was like “wam, bam, thank you mam.” The sad thing about this was that he was 57 years old and she was 27. (My daughter’s age). Lucky him! It’s funny because my daughter was dating a 29 year old guy and when they broke up he started dating a 21 year old and she called him a pedofile. I almost died. What would she think of her father? Would she think her father was a pedofile also for dating a 27 year old when he was 57. My sons and daughter do not know of their father’s infidelity. I’m afraid if I tell my sons they may one day think it is ok because their father did it. As for my daughter, I think it would totally devastate her.
    But by the same token I want her to know that there are plenty of men out there who cannot be trusted. Isn’t it sad that we have to warn our children about infidelities that may happen one day in their lives when they are not even married yet.

    My husband is now 65 and his “JUNK” does not work the same way it did when he was 58, especially when you add blood pressure meds into the mix. So I am not afraid he will do it again. I think it would be too embarrassing for him. The chicks will laugh at him if he tries.
    And now it is my time to laugh at him also, because women can have sex until the day they die.

    I know when my husband sees me looking at him now he knows my thoughts are “what a loser he is”. A loser for being such a sneak after so many years of marriage. How can he be proud when he had a wife who was there for him, took care of him and his children and did what she was suppose to be doing
    and there he was lieing and cheating. I told him He needs to work on his self esteem . I also told him that he doesn’t like himself so how could he have liked her. He had sex with her because he needed to be validated that he still had it.

    I have a trip coming up where I will be walking through the security at the airport where all of this started and I will be going thru the same security he worked at. My plan is to ask for this OW and tell her I know she was screwing myhusband years back and I will tell her I’m leaving him, she can have him, and pass her his cell phone number. The only problem is the number I give her will be mine. I want to see if she calls. I only hope she is still working there. It is time for me to get the last laugh.

    I am gradually getting over this infidelity so now it is my time for me to play the game. I am a new person, not afriad to speak my mind, and no one will ever get over on me again. I will walk with my head high and enjoy the life that I have been given. No one will ever take advantage of me again!

  • Jules February 25, 2012, 10:20 AM

    Ladies,
    When times are tough for me I come here. This is how I can pick myself up once again and know my worth and move forward. I wish I still had children at home to help me stop thinking of my awful situation.

    My life feels like a soap opera unfolding and I am trying to put humor with it. Some days it is hard but thank God for wonderful friends who put humor in it for me. Then I have some close friends who pretty much beat me down telling me to ditch the loser, move on, how can you still have any feelings for him, etc… Those friends I am now tending to push away. I understand they only want what is best for me but I do not need to be beaten down emotionally any more.

    I am almost 10 months from D-Day, separated for 6 weeks and last week discovered my husband and the OW once again were in contact. When I confronted him he did not deny but told me about their conversations. So painful to hear and not sure why he is so cruel in his words to me. Then started the blame game once again, every time he talks to this OW he comes back and blames me. He is very predictable and I pretty much told him it is not me, it is him and he really needs to get the right help and look at himself. He knows he is about to loose it all and admits he is still hanging onto me, us, our family, etc… but yet he makes no effort to improve our situation nor attend couples therapy, which I am beginning alone in the next 2 weeks. I am searching for a top notch therapist who handles families, couples and individuals. I will need to somehow get our adult sons into family therapy with me, this has greatly impacted their lives. It was like the original wounds opening right up again with this discovery. I told my husband I am calling her husband and he begged me not too.

    So instead yesterday when I saw the OW I leaned in her passenger window of her car and said “I know everything including all the recent conversations, I am done with you and now I am going to have nice conversations with all our mutual friends” then I walked away. Well she put her car in reverse and backed up and hit me, I was shocked. She tried to hit me again and I jumped out of the way yelling “you just hit me with your car, stop” She started yelling at me “What are you doing” and I said “You hit me”. This was all witnessed by a young lady who came to me saying “I saw and heard the entire thing and that lady did that on purpose”. I was very shaken up and did call the Police and filed an incident report. The Police paid a visit to her home telling her this and at this time I am not filing charges and that she is to stay away from me and I will from her. My good friend thinks I need to see an attorney and obtain a restraining order.

    So now once again I have to try to move forward and I know I have the power and strength to do this. It is hard as my husband was always one to protect me and I feel like he has abandoned me. He is more worried about his reputation than me, his wife of almost 25 years. This is the hardest to work through. Now I truly see what kind of OW he got himself involved with and the car incident scared me. For the first time I am truly worried for my safety and for the safety of our boys. Did she really hit me on purpose? I have no idea as I know I shook her up by saying what I did. Her fears are others will know and judge her, so are my husbands. But at this point they have to face the consequences of their actions and I truly am tired of the lies, pretending and the facade. My therapist has told me “Why are you protecting them, they did not protect you” If you want to tell mutual friends then do it. Of course my husband threatens me with “If you tell, we are for sure done”. Well that speaks volumes too.

  • ladygator February 25, 2012, 10:56 AM

    Hi Jules, I, too, had the opportunity to point out to my H what kind of women he chose over his loyal, mentally stable wife. My pet name for one of his OW is the psycho b*tch, because shen she felt that he wasn’t leaving me as fast to her liking, she tried to commit suicide and let daughter find her. I just looked at him and said take a good look at what your life will be. Don’t get my way?? I’ll stomp my feet and take a handful of pills. And yet, like you, I was protecting him. You’re therapist is right. I protected my husband not just from others knowing about his affairs and his porn addiction (Joan, I can relate to your shock regarding age – I actually needed to verify that he wasn’t possessing anything illegal) and further protected him by making excuses when he would verbally abuse me in front of others. No more. Time to wear the big boy pants and take responsiblity for your actions. I told him if that is who you want to be, then be proud of who you are! Oh, what’s that? You’re not proud? You’d be embarrassed if your mom found out? I have opened up to more friends (only very close ones) and I wish I had done it a long time ago. And the anonymity of this board helps too, in addition to my close friends. I beat myself up for a long time about protecting him because what you allow you encourage, but I was afraid. What made it even harder was when people would say things to me like “You’re so lucky. He’s such a great guy. He would never cheat on you. blah blah blah.” I wanted to throw up. But I was party to that – I helped build that fake facade. Well, finally one day I realized “knowledge IS power” and I told him I disclosed everything to some close friends. He was not happy. My basic reaction was “too effing bad.” I remember learning in science class that an object will continue to stay moving in the same direction until acted upon by another force. A ball rolling in one direction will stay that way until someone kicks it and rolls the other way. I feel that is not only a law of physics, but a law of relationships. My relationship would have continued in one direction until acted upon by another force (ME!). I have told others of his actions and moved into my own place. Last I heard, he found the name of a counselor he wants to try for the individual counseling that I have been asking him for for years. Yay for him, but not sure if it’s too late for me. But I am still ODAAT so I am not worrying about the “what if’s” for now. I look at it this way, he needs counseling just to be a better human being, whether or not I stay. Either way, money well spent – either for our relationship or for humankind in general.

  • WishICouldBeNormal February 25, 2012, 11:52 AM

    Don’t know what’s worse: I don’t love you, I’m seeing someone else or I love you, but you’re not worth the effort to change. …….I’m having a really bad day. It reminds me of Jack Nicholson’s character in “As Good As It Gets”. His character comes out of the psych’s office into the waiting room full of people, looks at them and says “What if this is as good as it gets?” That’s how I feel right now. What if this is as good as it gets? What if he is always happy with him being happy and never cares enough about me being happy to do anything about it? What if I never become more important than his computer? What if the only thing holding this marriage together is all of the hard work I put into making HIM happy and I can’t manage to do it all any more? 30 years is a long time to wait on someone to notice you have worth and to treat you accordingly. A very long time.

  • Karen February 26, 2012, 1:01 PM

    WishcouldBeNormal,
    I am right there with you. Today has been a bad day too, so thought I
    was past the crying. We have been together for over 24 years and 7
    months ago because of his mid-life crisis and no job he has a affair
    with his first love. Now he is not sure if he wants me or a life with
    her. They stopped talking about 2 weeks ago because she did not like
    it when I made contact with her after discovering they have still been
    communicating. She lives in another state and at the moment he is on
    the way up there to spend some time with his brothers and watch the
    race with them. He told me he may see her, mainly because right now
    he doesn’t know if she is what he wants, and he can not go on like
    this anymore. He also told my sister last week that he has stopped
    trying because he doesn’t understand my moods, one minute I am ok and
    the next I am not. Really how do you expect me to be ok when you are
    not really trying on our marriage and you are still talking to the OW.
    I am so torn right now because when I did throw him out and he moved
    all his stuff in with her, he only stayed a 10 days and then came
    back. Then during the last 3 months I have tried to get him to leave
    and just when it is time for him to go, he finds an excuse to stay. I
    am so cunfused and tired right now, do not want to be the grown up or
    the person making the decisions. I just love him and hate him at the
    same time.

    On 2/25/12, Cheating Husbands – YOU ARE NOT ALONE

  • used to be happy February 26, 2012, 1:16 PM

    I posted here a month ago and I am sad to say that not much has changed in my life. I feel like it is groundhogs day everyday. He told me that he ended it with the OW but I found out last week that they are still emailing and texting each other. Glad now that I never believed it was over. But then he tell me that he cant see his life without me in it and how he wants me, I am just so tired of the lies. He is still living here and will not move out because he is afraid I will screw him with the house if he left. The OW was my friend and our kids go to the same daycare. I came face to face with her for the first time yesterday at a daycare birthday party. I almost didn’t go and just let him take my kids but I am tired of my life been affected and theirs not. They have not faced any conclusions for what they have done. So 2 hours before the party I informed him I was going. Man did he start sweating bulletins and telling me that he didn’t think it was a good idea. I just said oh well, you should have thought about that before you started sleeping with a woman who interwined in our lives. So when I saw her I went right up to her and said Hi how are you and she had the balls to be a saractic B**tch to me. I can not understand how you can act like you have done nothing wrong when you have blown my whole world apart. I know this is not her first affair with a husband of someone she was friends with but come on! I hate the fact that sometimes I feel so strong and the next mintue I am crying my eyes out. My therapist tells me it is normal but nothing about my life is normal. I know i can be the one to move out but months ago he agreed to move out because of the kids (6 and 3). I meet with a lawyer on Tuesday. I just dont understand why this is happening to me, I know there is some type of plan but I am so tired of feeling broken!

  • andrea February 26, 2012, 8:57 PM

    since i found out and life has returned to kinda normal i’ve been thinking about my life. am i settling? i still love all the things i used to love about him but am i settling for a man who cheated on me? i know i deserve better. i’ve been doing a lot of self reflecting since everything happened and i know i’m the package. my husband is in the military and as with any marriage there’s a lot of sacrifice but with the military it brings a whole lot of other sacrifices and i’m wondering if i can do better. not every man is a cheater, i have to believe that for hope for my daughter and for setting the right path for my son. i’m wondering if my sacrifices for him are worth it anymore because i feel like for all i’ve done for him and his career his cheating is a huge slap in the face. have i always felt this way deep inside but never allowed myself to realize it or never realized it until after i found out he cheated? tomorrow is our 5 yr anniversary and i just wish i could fast forward my life to tuesday.

  • WishICouldBeNormal February 26, 2012, 8:58 PM

    ((((Karen))))) I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I can’t imagine living with him while he is “trying to decide”. One of the few things I have to be thankful for in this whole mess is that when my husband finally came clean he cut all contact with OW. I made it clear that he had to cut all of it not only with her but her husband (his best friend who knew and didn’t care). If he hadn’t I don’t know where I’d be but I can assure you it wouldn’t be with him. I can’t take fence sitting. I can’t imagine the emotional roller coaster you must be on. At least those of us who have resolved the issue of stay or go can somewhat focus of what’s ahead. You are in my prayers. I pray that whatever is best for you, even if it doesn’t feel that way, is what happens.
    Take care of yourself. You are worth it.

  • Mitch February 27, 2012, 3:57 AM

    Joan…thanks for the laugh and yes.. maybe we are married to the same man or maybe his twin.. ha ha.. Love the problem with Junk – I have notice this too as mine is 55 and where he used to be Roger Rabbit he is no longer.. at the same time though I do wonder is it his age or is it me? I guess after experiencing this I will always wonder is her he thinks of coz clearly she was more attractive to him than I am, even if she was older!! I do question all the time what his feelings are as he is not a sensitive person.. not romantic.. yet I know he can be and I have no doubt he was when he was with her.. not the romance as no time for that.. but the intensity of the moments with her! Arghh.. it just makes me sick! I has such a crap day yesterday and it really is like a bi-polar person as you just can’t control when the tears come! It’s soooo bloody frustrating and he is sooo frustrating as I will never get the truth from him! That’s when i ask myself why the hell am I staying? I know I am trying soo hard to catch up on what was missed.. just time wasted.. holidays wasted etc etc etc .. and I know I can’t… it’s not possible! When I think of leaving I think of the things we will miss out on and then I wonder why do I care.. why can’t i just move out and move on? I asked him does he think i stayed because I don’t want him to go back to her… or is it because I hate being alone? or do I really love him that much that I can put up with these awful constant thoughts? They do think that their “affair” was nothing so we should be it the same way but how do you erase those thoughts? Would they be able to do the same if the roles were reversed? Maybe they would cope better as they are men… non feeling aliens!!!! I have to say i like your plan of meeting the other woman.. i know many would say forget it.. bla bla bla but I know I have to meet mine at sometime.. I don’t care if it’s 5 years later but I will definitely make a point of it as I want to be face to face with the cow that ruined my life!!! Yes my husband will say we were only living together and weren’t together but we still did plenty of stuff together and at no time did it give him the green light to have an affair with someone else!!! Oh well.. again.. it’s his world and as long as we all revolve around it that’s all that’s important.. that and Big Bang Theory as there is no longer a time of come to bed and give a hug.. it’s let’s make sure the pc is charged!! Oh well.. some batteries are getting good use – just not mine.. better change that!! Enjoy your day! x

  • WishICouldBeNormal February 27, 2012, 7:15 AM

    Mitch- From everything I’ve read on message boards men don’t take it better at all when it happens to them. A high percentage of them get a divorce without even considering taking their wives back. But at the same time, the ones that do try again seem to have a higher success rate than we do. Hum… isn’t it sad that in a small amount of time we can come to know so much about this subject. I used to say that if he cheated I’d pack his bags. Wow, what happened to that me? I am sure of one thing, I will never do this again. I know what you mean when you say you question why you stayed. I know I stayed because I love my husband but I can also say it gives me a great deal of pleasure knowing that I kept her from having him. She wouldn’t have stayed anyway. He was going to give me everything in the divorce. She’s a gold digger and was after everything I have not just my husband. She wanted a meal ticket. Now she has filed for a divorce and is still stuck living with her sickening ex (he help her and my husband hide the affair from me) because she can’t afford to leave. Boo Hoo!

  • Rhonda February 27, 2012, 11:28 AM

    It’s sad that I keep reading the same question on here which is am I doing the right thing by staying? I wish someone could answer that for us. I question every day about a million times a day if I am doing the right thing. I know I love my husband, but the hurt he has caused me through all of this is unbearable most days. I am three months after D-day, but in reality my gut had been telling me long before that this was all going on for years. I know he wouldn’t give me the same courtesy and or understanding that I am giving him, so why am I doing this to myself. I know we all wonder if it is worth it and for anyone who has gone through this do you guys think it is worth it? What am I teaching my kids in all this. Am I teaching my son it is O.K. to treat women like this. Am I teaching my 3 daughters that it is O.K. to let a man treat you like this. I am no longer a happy playfull mom, but one who is always lost in this world of pain and worry. My stomach is in knots most days and my heart….well…. is still broken. When I am with him it seems that the pain can be forgotten because he is showing so much care and effort, but the second he is not around it’s like back to square one. I am doing the ODAAT and have been, but I don’t really want to keep living one day at a time on egg shells wondering constantly is he lying, being faithfull, will he see them, does he want to talk to them, am I enough to keep him happy. This is no way to live your life, so why are we doing it? I guess you can all tell today is a really bad day and if anyone has any advice I could really use it right now. Thanks all for listening.

  • Em February 27, 2012, 11:59 AM

    Ladies,
    As I read these posts…I feel for everyone of you, we have all been in this horrific situation because of a husband that betrayed us. It’s aweful..the emotional rollercoster that we are all on it ridiculous…why do they have so much control over us? I left but yet my ex still knows how to beat me down and continually tell me I’m worthless because I didn’t stay and put more effort into working it out….REALLY?, you are kidding me right. It’s crazy….I am slowing healing from this aweful event and it all comes back on me not trying to “save” the marriage…..really…had he not cheated we wouldn’t be in this situation. We are divorced and the mind games are still going on and it’s crazy.
    I do have one food for thought for ya’ll….ask yourself why are you staying? What are the reasons, why are those reasons important, is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? I know a lady that stayed in her marriage after she found out about her husbands affair. She told me “you can forgive, but you will never forget”. It is true, every time I looked at mey ex, that is what I saw. Now had be been more remorsful and honest and willing to do change his behavior, then it may have worked. But telling your “soul mate” to get over it and move on is not really putting the effort into rebuilding the marriage and trust that he destroyed.
    I also decided that the bad times and drama were now larger than the good times that we shared, the saddness had overlaped the happiness, the frowns replaced the smiles….and that’s not how I wanted to live anymore.

    I hope everyone finds peace with their decisions and realizes that YOU did not do this….don’t own it. If your husband is trying to decide between you and the OW…why are you letting him? Why are YOU competing? YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT…stand up and scream as loud as you can. No one is worth the hurt and anguish that they are putting you through….you don’t put the one you love through that…you protect them from hurt, not inflict it on them.

  • Ella February 27, 2012, 4:03 PM

    Em — I hear exactly what you are saying. I struggle with my decision to stay — he did not sleep with her — I caught it VERY early — but nonetheless, she was alluding to it in her emails that she wanted to figure out a way to “do an overnight”. Kind of hard when she had a child at home. But yes — I agree with what you are saying. As soon as I found out and read the emails to verify — I basically told my husband that he is free to go — and to have a good life. Hope it’s worth the consequences of what would happen the following day when I started to tell everyone. Also told him that I hope she makes him happy. Since he’s not happy with himself, he was setting her up for failure too. I told him to “go for it” –and that I couldn’t and didn’t want to compete with that. I also had another option at the time to go out with with an old beau who was recently divorced. You should have seen the look on his face. Not sure what he thought my reaction would be — but I told him I was devastated, but would not stand in his way of happiness. I did question him on what type of person he wanted to be known as from now on and how his image would now be described. A womanizer who hit on married women with children at home. He looked like a deer in headlights — the groveling began. So did counseling and an open book philosophy — can’t believe he acted that way and didn’t want to be “known like that” – he wasn’t raised that way, but lost it due to job stress and some issues we had at home. At least that’s the story I’m getting. I decided to stay — more for the fear of regret if I left without giving it the chance he was desperately fighting for. I’m mad still — not even at him or her — but at myself — that I’m even in this situation and that I was put through this. Neither of them is worth the time of day if anything like this ever happens again. And he knows it. I will leave immediately without uttering a word and without shedding a tear. It would be done. I am praying it doesn’t — but like you said — you want to protect those you love….that is what I think he is now struggling with — he let everyone down due to his own insecurities — he was a wuss. And yes, I told him –since you “love her” (as he put in his emails) — just go — he was free as far as I was concerned — but so was I …… it was only fair……
    Funny what happened when the shoe went on the other foot. I am sometimes not happy for “settling” — but I feel I owe it to give him a chance. Right now the good is outweighing the bad. But as Em says — if the dynamic shifts then I’m gone. Life is too short to live in fear and anguish. This way, I will have no regrets down the road regardless of what happens. I hear so many of these stories — I also know there are other great men out there who would protect the family over anything else. Sure wish I had found one of them first. Sigh — have a great night ladies.

  • Michelle February 27, 2012, 5:29 PM

    Hi ladies
    As Em says, this is a total rollercoaster ride, just when I was beginning to feel like I was starting to heal and get myself into some sort of order I get slammed all over again, seems like he is a serial cheater. I thought I had myself under control,but the last few days have been a total disaster, I cannot stop crying and keep getting into a total state of panic. How do I get out of this prison, get off this train, just want to run screaming. My situation is complex so am stuck for now, and have to find a way. Again am lucky he is not here very often, but does not make it any easier as my selfconfidence and lonelyness have reared their ugly head all over again. I have basically been alone now for 6 years, the last two have been a living nightmare since it all came out and now have to try and start healing all over again. He does not know that I have found out this latest info, am going to keep this one under my belt for now. Such a sad thing after all these years and also mind blowing that they have so much control over us, think we can break free, we just have to find the strength, know I am a fine one to talk but am going to have to do it. But not today, just have to find my way out of this latest hole and pull myself back out. I just cannot understand why men are so cruel. How many chances do they have to be given, are we too generous?

  • Rhonda February 27, 2012, 5:33 PM

    Ella,

    I wish all of us could be as strong and as confident as you are. I wish I had the guts to say those things. I mean I feel them, but I don’t know why I am to scared to say that. Maybe because I think he would just walk out that door even though I know that technically he all ready did by just doing this. I hope someday I can find the strength to sound the way that you do. I to wish that I had found the man that no matter what would protect his family first, I too found the idiot that chose to save himself and no one else. I want to shout from the rooftops as to what he did, but for some reason am saving him from the embarrassment, when he should be completely embarrassed. I want to tell his friends, his co-workers, his familly (even though they all suck including his mother and that is half of the reason he is the way he is). The only person he has had to answer to for this is me and well, as you can see from my writings, I obviously have not been to hard on him. I think I have actually made it to easy by staying and being sooooo understanding even though I want to scream and knock him through the floor most of the time. Thanks for your post it gives a different attitude that I hope to get to someday.

  • Michelle February 27, 2012, 5:48 PM

    Hi Rhonda
    You sound just like me, have never said a word to him and am also too scared to say anything. Everything you have done protecting him, I have done the same, after all this time I have only just started talking and it is here. I have definitely made things too easy for him and so wish I had the strength, courage and the right situation to be in to do it, I know I will some day, but it is the getting there that is the hard task at hand, finding me and the strength. Some days are harder than others but we are all special women, we need to remember that and it is them that have made choices that they will eventually have to live with the consequences of.

  • Aussie guy February 27, 2012, 11:10 PM

    Hi Girls. This doesnt only happen to women it also happens to us guys. I was married for 38 years to a woman which I thought was my soul mate. Had a lovely life well I thought but things went pearshaped about 5 yrs ago. She left me for a friend of the family about 2 yrs ago now but I suspect he wasnt the only one she had affairs with. I was never real sure but I suspect she was having them with guys we knew for God knows how long.
    So broken hearted me went my own difficult way but these days there
    seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I think long marriages do go stale and we dont know it. We just take eachother for granted I guess . I guess it all just runs it’s corse sadly, I’m not the only one to have this happen and sure wont be the last I suspect. Life is short we just have to make the best of things. I would love to fall in love again and to make that happen I guess I have to get over things first. I know its hard but hang in there your not dead yet so get off the pity pot and get into a new life. When we sit and ponder its not that good is it. Thanks for listerning been interesting reading.

  • Ella February 28, 2012, 10:25 AM

    Hi Ladies — Rhonda – thank you for your support on my last post — but it’s taken me a long time to come to that mindset (if you read my older posts — I’m really pathetic deep down at times) — I was literally rolling on the floor in tears when I found his emails to this other (*&* I said what I said out of not wanting to be treated like a doormat – he has had other EAs in the past (not to this extent) — so this was not the first time I’ve been in a bad place with him. I”m not pillar of strength trust me — just at the end of my rope. He has so many issues — I really don’t think he’s a bad person at his core — but I do wonder somedays when I see a sneaky side. I still remind him that I’m not sure that staying feels completely right – -but that I’m still stuck. Stuck in the middle of the road — not knowing which turn to take at the fork. Either way could be full of regrets — so I’m just going with what I know — sad as that sounds. I do think being on my own at 48 is scary — but also could be exhilerating. I know so many people in this age group who are dating again and are having a great time. But I also see others who are struggling. I’m ok being alone as well – -but right now, the good is outweighing the bad. I just don’t want to be untrue to myself. That is really my biggest fear. Am I living a lie — I don’t have true joy anymore. No right answer – and everyone’s answer will be different. I just remember — that you always want what you can’t have and that men like more of a challenge — I remember men who always groveled and I wasn’t attracted to them as much. So I TRY to impart that into my attitude — faking it until I make it. It has worked thus far — but I don’t know. I have so many meltdowns — I’m still soooo angry and that comes out at times. I didn’t celebrate Valentine’s day — it was hypocritical. Aussie guy from Australia — sorry to read your post – -and after 38 years. But I agree that relationships do go stale without work. You have already told the same stories and know all of the little nuances about each other. Telling the same stories to someone new who finds them fascinating is ….. well — exciting again. So I see that point…..but when you’re committed — I think that you owe it to your spouse to do everything possible within the marriage first — and then either end it or stay put. The deceit and pure lack of respect is what kills us the most. Hope all is well with everyone. Spring is coming, so hopefully things will blossom for us no matter where we are in our journey.

  • Natalie February 28, 2012, 12:41 PM

    Another update. It’s been 3 months since D day. I decided to stay with my H for many reasons – the kids (14, 10 & 8), because we have a long history together (18 yrs. of marriage and 6 yrs. before that), because he seemed truly remorseful and ready to do the work to rebuild our marriage and because I love him. I don’t regret my decision. He has been an open book with his phone and his email, he has answered every question with patience and as much compassion as possible, he has offered to go to counseling and he has taken full responsibility for his actions and not once blamed me. I have not found any evidence nor do I have any reason to believe that he is still in contact with the OW, but I am cautious. This is not to say that I am not still completely devastated by his betrayal and I have many days where something triggers me and I end up crying all day. For the life of me, I will never understand how someone can hurt someone so deeply that they claim to love. My hope is that someday I can get past all this hurt and be able to look back on this part in our lives as a test that we were able to pass. Everyone on this site is so strong (even though I know there are times when we don’t feel it). I can’t imagine going through this with a H that is not remorseful or can’t choose or any of the other things many of you are going through. For those of you in those situations, I pray that you discover the strength to find your path whatever it may be and that we all gain some happiness and peace in the near future.

  • Aussie guy February 28, 2012, 5:03 PM

    Hi everyone its a lovely morning where I live this morning. I live in the Glass House Mts in Qld and its beautiful. This place I am in now since 11.11.11 hope that lucky :) is still a house as yet to me but hopefully I can call it a home soon. I lost a farm in the washup of which I spent all my working life , built the house and sheds tennis court ect with my own hands so I think the hardest thing for any farmer is to lose his wife first then his farm . The farm was in the family for close on 60 years,so a big thing to lose. So being said I have to go on with life as hard as thats been. I find the best thing to do is get out of the house and go do something you have never done before and a whole new world opens up. You will be amazed at how many people out there rowing the same boat we are. I do ballroom dancing and that has been my life saver. Without that I would not be here writing this letter becuase I went into some dark places and really didnt want to go on.I have a whole new network of friends some with same problems but not all. I have found God has helped me as well. I cried out for him in my need and He was there but not in my time I think it was his. Being alone doesnt time go so slow? Said to a friend the other day that being lonely makes your life longer but not so happier . Time will heal they say but the love I had for that woman probably will never fade. Still have a deep whole in my heart but keeping busy and doing new things help me a lot. Life hurts sometimes but I know God doesn’t give us more pain than we can bear, even though we feel at times out heart will bust. Thanks for listerning Cheers.

  • lelwel5820 February 28, 2012, 8:46 PM

    Good evening ladies,

    I am not sure if reading these blogs are helping me or destroying me! as I wrote a few weeks back unlike many of your situations my husband had a one night stand. However as I also wrote I don’t feel that this makes it any different than any other infedelity situations. Cheating once is as bad as cheating 100 times to me. My husband too is very remorseful, sad, upset, blaming himself and is going to individual counseling and we are both in martial counseling. Here is where I am struggling 4 weeks since DDay. 1. We have only been married 6 months together for 5 years, I am young very attractive, successful, have never had any problems with finding boyfriends, there are no children involved so why am I staying why don’t I just leave? 2. I am 31 my husband is 28, his one night stand is 45 with 3 children and her one son is only 4 years younger than my husband, she is also married and extremely unattractive, no job, and honsetly my mother is better looking then her! so why why would my husband ever de-value ME and our relationship so much. His explanation was he liked feeling wanted, UMMMM excuse me I feel wanted every day by dirty old men it dosen’t mean I am going to hook up with them!!! I told him of course she wanted him he is young, and attractive, and not HER husband. I told him today, well go be with her and see how long she wants you sexually, I mean after all she will not only want him sexually eventually it will be financially, comfort, support, baby daddy ect, and trust me her sexual attention for him will fade when real life happens and he can’t pay her bills, and take care of her kids. It’s not just the fact that my husband cheated on me but he did it with a women old enough to be his mother, I am not trying to sound like a snot but he hooked up with someone who has so much less to offer then me! I guess I am just having a bad day, it took everything I had today to not e-mail her husband or her 23 year old son and tell them what a whore she is! It just drives me crazy that she is continuing living her life, and I am devastated in mine. I hope I still have the strenght tommorrow to not send the e-mail, after all I am a logical person and I know sending the e-mail will do me no good and will just cause drama, and I hate drama. But thanks to my lovely Husband my whole life is now filled with drama, angre, and sadness. I told my therapist yesterday I just want something to look forward too, and the only advice he could give me was that each day it will get better, well I am sorry Doc but it’s not, I just feel like I am learning to cope with this new reality, I have found I am an amazing actress, and can still keep a 3.9 GPA while taking 18 credit hours, and working. My mother keeps telling me how strong I am, but I just feel so weak. I am literally just going through the motions so that the rest of my life dosent fall apart. It just seems like every task is as hard as moving a mountain. I hope I can over come this regardless if I stay in this marriage or leave. And I also hope all you women can too! It’s a very sad club we have all been inducted to without choice, but I am happy to say I find comfort writing here!

  • Tina February 29, 2012, 2:44 PM

    I need your help ladies I was looking at H emails and he has set up a new accout with google I can’t see his user name anybody know how I can find out his email address? I need some PI out there!I gotta know if he’s up to know good which I’m sure he is if he’s making new accounts! Help

  • Aussie guy February 29, 2012, 3:55 PM

    Hi, Lelwel I feel your pain but you know what?…. it does get a lot better with time. I didnt believe my councillor at the time as I was so angry and 2 yrs down the tract I still feel some anger but nowhere like it felt at first. Hurts so bad I know and no one can ever know how we feel inside. Keep busy get out and go for a long walk everyday works wonders. What hurts bad to is your spouse sleeping with someone that is down from our standard. I know that from experence. The guy my wife is with is everything she didint like in a man. Like drinker, short than her, no money, had 2 wives before,no fun, boring to talk to and not that handsome either. All makes us feel ugly I know but it gets better believe me sweetie. Hope you are feeling better each day, I pray you do. Cheers

  • WishICouldBeNormal February 29, 2012, 5:06 PM

    Tina- Men tend to be creatures of habit. Are there any old nick names he used to use or old passwords that you know? Try his name with the year he was born or his age after it. Try that with first and last and then with first only. The best way, but it will cost you almost $100, is to install a key logger on his computer. Get one with stealth so that it is invisible to him. It will record everything that he types and every message (email, IM, facebook, etc). You’ll see it all. Make sure that you install it right after he leaves for work so that you have hours to have tech support take you through getting past any firewalls or virus programs that might detect it. For me right now, it wouldn’t matter. You can’t use the info in court and you can’t tell him how you found out (if he”s vengeful he could get you in trouble) but at least you’d know. Him having a email I can’t see is a deal breaker. Good luck.

  • Tina February 29, 2012, 5:48 PM

    @ WishIcouldbenormal-thanks for the tips I have tried every nick name ect I can think of and that’s really all I want it for is my lawyer I’m done being made a fool of he is never gonna change its time I accecpt that don’t know what else to do but if he’s opening new accounts then he has something to hide what is stupid is I have his passwords to his other email and he’s dumb enough to leave that he opened a new one on his email! What an idiot!

  • Murphy February 29, 2012, 9:34 PM

    I am glad and sad that I stumbled across your website today. I say this because for the past few days I was coping and now I am must again face the overwhelming feeling of being dead inside, disrespect, remorse and hurt. I never faced the fact that my then boyfriend and now husband had been cheating on me for 9 years. To the world I am a strong, smart, vibrant professional woman that lives a golden life with her kind, loving, and totally handsome husband. A lot has been great and a lot has gone wrong throughout our relationship and I just realized that I covered it up, fooled myself into believing that I got over it and only told one friend half of what was going on. I use to tell my husband the 80% of him is great but that damn 20% can kill a relationship. The first time he cheated I found myself waiting all night outside of his brother’s house when he and a woman came out and she got into a cab. I cornered the cab with my car and begged the women to tell me what happened and she (the hooker) finally did. I was mortified and severely crushed. He ran back into the house and locked the door. I banged on the door for 2 hours claiming I wanted the access key back for my apartment but I just wanted to see his face and ask why. He finally opened the door and he apologized and cried like I have never seen anyone cry before. Although I was numb unbelievable I felt sorry for him. Well 2 weeks later we got back together and I now know that I subconsciously bottled my feelings all up. Throughout the years when he cheated the heartbreak feelings and the inability to breathe would come back and again I covered it up. Well last year I started to turn on my husband and everything he did or didn’t do just annoyed me. I began to hate him and resent all of the love, care and respect I have given him. I noticed he just wasn’t progressing in life so I suggested we get checked out for AD/HD. Ding, Ding, and Ding. He is totally ADD, AD/HD and OCD. His cheating episodes were all impulsive and that’s why they made no sense to me or him. Now that he is on medication he is depressed about all that he has done to me and even confessed everything. He asked that we seek couple and individual counseling because he doesn’t want to lose me and painfully regrets that he has caused me so much pain and damaged the wonderful women I am. He also sees his whole life now and feels worthless and really has no self confidence at all and gets depressed. He even told his parents (an artist and a pastor) about the cheating. They were devastated as well. He is so lost right now. I also found out that I am AD/HD but I am not impulsive in that way. I am also on holistic vitamins and meds and all of the hurt that I felt through the years have hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember and feel EVERYTHING!!!! I am way way too focused. I stayed in a hotel room by myself for a couple of days and just cried and mourned who I thought I was and who I pretended he was and the loss of the last 9 years of my life. I am now in the angry and I don’t care stage. I feel so stupid for trying to make it work all these years. I always knew there was something else wrong with him because of the way he always deeply and honestly loved me. But now I am resentful and right now I feel that he’s not that special to me anymore and that I apparently have had undetected self esteem issues all along. I love him and support him but I don’t care or want to put the energy into help fixing him. Instead I feel trapped and confused because part of me feels I should stay with him while we both recover from life and find out who we are. My Therapist and Psychiatrist say that it’s going to take a lot of time to truly heal but I am tired of hurting and want to feel better now. Heck it’s almost been 10 years with almost 3 years actually being married with me waiting for him while being his collateral damage. I love him deeply but I feel I’ll never trust or respect him again regardless of his disability. Thanks for your time and I just started reading your book!!

  • lelwell5820 February 29, 2012, 10:01 PM

    Hey Aussie,
    Yeah I know it will eventually ease it just sucks that all I can do is wait for time to pass. I am keeping myself very busy, I have no choice I am in school full time and work. I am a runner and have done several marathons so I am running almost daily. It just seems like no matter what I do I can’t get my mind off it. Sleeping has become almost non-exsitant. My therapist is anti-medication, but keeps telling me maybe I need a sleeping aid. I am just not keen on taking any type of medication. As far as the one-night stand my husband had I do feel like I will eventually get over it and move on, the question lies will I move on with him or without him? If HE had the choice it would be with him, but I am not so convinced I want that. I am just disgusted that my husband would be attracted to someone of such low quality. He obviously dosen’t have the morals I do and I am not sure if that is negotiable. That is the part he dosen’t understand. I hold myself to a certain standard of morals and ethics, and I believed the man I married also did this played a large role in my marrying him, actually probably the biggest role in my descion. So here is where my dilema takes place, do I stay with him because I did take my vows seriously, or do I leave because I obviously entered this marriage under false pretences of the man I was marrying. It’s all so confusing I know I am still too angry to make a educated decsion, I just wish this process would speed up so that I can move forward one way or the other! And by the way Aussie, I am also very sorry for what has happend to you. Men are dumb when it comes to infedilty, however I feel women can be much more cruel, mean and manupultive, they usually push blame on their spouses ( I can’t imagine what I would have done if my husband said it was my fault). Any cheating situation regarldess if it’s a wife or a husband is never the fault of anyone except the person who had committed the act!!!! My advice to cheaters is get a set and tell your spouse your feelings BEFORE YOU CHEAT, o and by the way before you confront them take a good long look at yourself and figure out if maybe you are the reason your needs are not being met! not your spouses!!!!

  • ladygator February 29, 2012, 11:07 PM

    To Tina:
    I understand the burning desire to know. Been there, done that, have T-shirt. However, I would caution you to check the laws of your state. Uless you were given the password or otherwise authorization to access that account, it could be considered illegal hacking and get you into legal trouble. Is he really worth going to jail for? Just check your state laws first. In my opinion, no skank is worth going to jail over, no matter how much you want to know. Please be careful. Do your research. Think rationally and level-headed. Their ilk is not worth the potential legal ramifications.

  • WishICouldBeNormal March 1, 2012, 4:36 AM

    Tina- Ladygator is right about the legal side. I’m lucky, I have an out for that. When I agreed to not leave my husband agreed to give me the right to full access to all of his accounts and his cell phone. He did this in front of our pastor. I can even use anything I find in court because he gave me his full permission to “do whatever you have to, look at whatever you have to in order to make you feel safe again”. I have a witness so he can’t say I didn’t have his permission. You can bet I use it too.

  • Tina March 1, 2012, 6:25 AM

    WishIcouldbenormal and ladygator- I do have all his passwords and he’s told me I can check at any time but he’s opening a new acoount. He’s leaving tomorrow and will be in the same town as the OW and I just find it funny that he just happen to open a new email at this time. I find myself having those panic attacks and going crazy again not knowing if he’s going to see her. I hate this I hate feeling like a crazy person. I know I can’t stop him from cheating and it drives me nuts. He assures me he’s not but his word means nothing to me I just don’t trust him yet and sure that I ever will.

  • Em March 1, 2012, 8:43 AM

    Tina,
    Seriously, he is driving you crazy and he knows it. as long as you feel insecure about yourself…he can and will walk all over you, he’s doing it now. Confront him about the new account and if he denies it, well then you know he is lying. What would it take for you to say “I’ve had enough, I don’t deserve this drama”. I’m gonna tell you a lil something that took me a long time to figure out. After I found out about my H’s affair and confronted him with it, he was scared…he made a bunch of promises..blah, blah, blah. Now the OW and my exH worked together. I threwup everyday my H went to work, he refused to change his schedule and assured me that it was over but yet would not change his schedule to eas my pain. He new I was throwingup…he just told me to be strong and get over it and to trust him….hahah…trust, yea right. When she ended up pregnant and neither one would take a paternity test and both told me it was none of business and to F-off. That’s when I realized…I didn’t matter…he didn’t care how I felt….he ddin’t care that all this was driving me crazy…it was affecting my health mentally and physically, it was aweful. I remember standing up one morning after throwing up as he was pulling out of the driveway…I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw…I cried all morning, then I took a nap…when I woke up….I started packing, called my attorney…and decided that I had no idea what was gonna happen next but I did know that I didn’t wanna be crazy anymore. I lost 25lbs because of his bs and it didn’t phase him, that was my problem so he said, I just needed to be strong and move on. His affair had nothing to do with me and he didn’t feel any need to explain his actions to me. So, find what it is that will let you say you have had enough…either your gonna leave or he’s gonna change the way he behaves and make other women jealous of YOU, not you jealous of other women. Hang in there and I hope all works out for you one way or the other…none of this is easy.

  • Tina March 1, 2012, 10:13 AM

    Em- Thank u for your kind words it really helps. I too have been physically ill because of this I lost 30lbs I would go days without eating throwing up just the lining of my stomach and my bp was so high I thought I would pass out. The OW women also came up pregnant she had the baby in Dec. When I found out I threw up I’ve having a hard time with that he didn’t even have enough respect for me and his kids to be safe it makes me mad as hell! My H would tell me to get over it and that I was doing this to myself. He wouldn’t be able to handle another man touching his wife so why the hell do I have to! They just don’t get the depth of pain were going through. I don’t want to be crazy anymore I just want the past year to just go away! I wish they had a pill I could take to forget. I don’t cry as much now I’m just mad as hell!

  • Rhonda March 1, 2012, 11:40 AM

    I’ve been reading the last couple posts and I am feeling just as you women are. I too have lost about 30 lbs in the last three months over this. It has been 3 months since I have found out and this past week has been just as bad as the first. I am not sure why. I know that I have been extremely depressed and it is totally effecting the way I take care of my kids, which makes me more depressed because they are the only reason I kept pushing through the terrible times in this marriage for the past 8 years. I still can’t figure out why I have stayed. I know I love him, but I also hate him at the same time. Right now I guess all this has made me feel like I don’t deserve any better than this, even though I know somewhere inside I must know that I do. He has been trying in his own way, he has listened to all my crying and ranting, but he is a closed book now and won’t go back to why these things have happened. He told me he doesn’t want to disect it, he just wants to move on, too f-ing bad, I can’t move on and I am not sure I will ever be able to. Stupid things like songs on the radio, everytime he sits at his computer, when his phone rings, when he is in a bad mood, even when we are watching t.v. and a girl comes up, I wonder if he’s thinking how much she looks like one of them. I am so obsessed with making sure this doesn’t happen again that I can’t really live my life and get any better. I know I won’t ever be able to trust him again. Sorry guys, it has just been a really bad week. I really want to go see a counselor as my depression is getting worse. Do you guys recommend counseling even if he doesn’t go? If so, how much does it cost because I am not sure I could afford it.
    HELP!!!

  • Em March 1, 2012, 12:29 PM

    Rhonda,
    Bless your heart, I know exactly how you feel. I didn’t leave my H because I didn’t love him, I left because he didn’t love me the way I loved him, I didn’t trust him and if he could not take the time to help get through this…the problem that HE brought into our marriage, then I didn’t have a marriage..I was already alone. My ex had uttered the, almost word for word, what your H has said to you.. I think most of us stay in the begining because we are blindedsided and not prepared at all, its not like any of them said “hey honey, I’m gonna start cheating on you today”. The reactions of the H will depend on how the future will go , whether you stay or go. They did this and they need to take responsibility to fix it. I think counciling is a good idea even if he doesn’t go, it will help you heal YOU. If he doesn’t want to go, well in my opinion he is not giving you 110% to rebuild what HE had broke. Check with your insurance company to see if they have any councelors in your preferred network. It will depend on who you go to on what the cost will be. Also, there are women’s shelters all over, they may also be able to steer you in the direction of some free counceling. Talking to your doctor may help to. I wish you the best ((hugs))…we all need them on days like this..I know.

  • ladygator March 1, 2012, 12:43 PM

    Em, I feel like I should be paying you for the advice you have posted. Truly insightful and thank you for opening up and sharing. And I agree regarding the counseling. It is helping to heal me on so many levels. Insurance coverage tip for you, Rhonda: your plan may not cover marital counseling (mine doesn’t) but it likely does cover depression, a bona fide medical condition, which of course, we certainly suffer from depression over all this. Mine codes it as “depression treatment” which is not a lie so I at least get some of it covered (still have co-pays) but it does help.

  • Rhonda March 1, 2012, 1:29 PM

    Thank you ladies for the advice on counseling. I know that I need to go, but am scared of what I will find out about while I am there. As for the insurance……I know they could diagnose me with depression and insurance would cover some of it, problem is that our deductible is $8000 and we cannot afford that this year. Last year we used our deductible as I had my appendix burst with severe complications and surgery, during my husbands whole affair deal, anyways we can’t afford to take that hit again this year. Not very shocking that once again myself the mother who has held it all together for years has to sacrifice myself again for the sake of my family. Life just has to get easier some time right?

  • Em March 1, 2012, 1:36 PM

    Tina,
    I feel for you…I’ve been there and in someways I still am there. Is the baby his? I was never given the satifaction of knowing for if the baby in question is actually my ex’s…my gut says so and I have seen pictures via FB….the baby does resemble my youngests baby pictures and all my kids look alike. My gut is what I listen to, so far it has not let me down and I truely beleive that the baby is my ex’s, if it wasn’t then they would have no problem taking a test. The OW also told my ex that if it did turn out to be his, he was to have nothing to do witht the baby and he said that was fine, he didn’t want anything to do with the kid anyway….well, looks like they both just ratted themselves out there. I still love him in some ways and probably always will. Since the divorce he has pretty much made my life a target for his anger…constantly calling me names, threatening me, yelling at me, texting me about all the women that want him….and then when he’s lonely and depressed, that’s when the texts and calls about wanting to work it out and he will take me back and we can have a clean slate and start fresh. That is the biggest load of crap…I’m not the one that needs a clean slate, I didn’t do anything. Then it goes back to all the verbal and mental abuse again…bad mother, bad person, unforgiving, etc. In his eyes I don’t think I have ever done anythign right, except take care of him and be his doormat for a very long time.

  • Em March 1, 2012, 1:55 PM

    Tina….you can do a background check on him, that is legal. You can also pay about 19.95 for records that will include cell numbers, addresses, and emails. You can also go back refresh your computer, which will return it to the way it was prior to him setting up his new accout, also when you sign up for gmail, they do ask for an alternate email to be able to send passwords to in the event that you can’t remember yours. Gmail also has an interactive feature that you can IM someone, chat and even call through gmail. If you google gmail, there will be some interesting insights for you. If he doesn’t delete his browsing history everytime he gets off the computer you can check the history…it will show where he has been online that day. I personally think all wives should take an IT course :). If you can’t figure it out…ask any neighborhood teenager to show you. I called my cell provider and got copies of my ex’s and OW activites…300 pages of it. I also called my internet provider to let them know I was having some “issues” with my computer, the tech support was very helpful :). So, I set parent controls on the computer, tv, and cells :) he was not happy about that at all.

  • Tina March 1, 2012, 2:37 PM

    Em- he is doing all this on his computer at work. But I will catch him one day he will forget to erase his history on our home computer he always does! The OW women says its not his but yet when she found out she called my H to tell him she was pregnant bc she knew we were working things out if its not his why call she told him she wanted him to have nothing to do with the baby I’ve seen pic via fb and she looks just like him made me sick! I’m just waiting to get those papers in the mail from the state saying he has to pay child support. I know I can’t handle that I’m tired of me and the kids paying for his mistakes.Thanks for all the tips! Rhonda- my heart goes out to u we have all been there and are still there this is the worsrt pain ever! And YOU ARE worth more and desrve to have the best we did not do this our H did there the problem even though our first thought is what’s wrong with me. Go to counseling if u can it helps and do it for u not him! My therapist asked me if I wanted to bring my H in I told him NO this is for me I don’t give a F**k what he’s going through! U know my H told me the other day this wasn’t easy for him I wanted to punch him! Rhonda just plz know your worth it and deserve to be happy! I’m on anti depressent I’m sure I’m not the only one and it helps some it gets me through the day! Sending hugs your way and prayers keep ur head up! Oh and just wondering has anybody else just wanted to go out and cheat on there H it has crossed my mind.

  • aussie guy March 1, 2012, 4:50 PM

    Hi everyone!
    For me antidepression meds was not my answer. I met a lady who is a nurse in a hospital and sees the effects everyday day what these drugs do to people. The doctor think these are the answers and dont see what it does in the end to us. My doctor put me on them and I felt ok but when we have a loss in our lives we have to grieve thats normal for us humans sadly. I went off them as hard as that was but I’m so glad I did because it gave me that chance to grieve. When I took them I found I couldnt think and seemed the world was dull. In fact I had more thoughts of ending it all when I was on them than off. I think it gave me the confidence to do such a thing . Thankfully I got off them with the help of my nurse friend. Maybe not for all of us but in my experence I’m glad I have grieved. The old saying I guess that we have to feel the pain before we can have the gain. Anyhow if you can’t get off them take as little as you can stand you will feel much better in the end I can assure you of that. Try exercise thats the answer . Dancing is the best think go get to it. Never know you might meet the man or woman that will ease your pain :). Just my thoughts hope it helps. Chin up girls your still alive when you can feel pain and thats the best thing to be alive dont you think? Cheers

  • Jess March 1, 2012, 5:57 PM

    I stayed. I’m 24yrs old. My husband and i have two kids together. We got married 11-11-201. I found out he had been cheating the first week of december. He had been sleeping with a girl he worked with two weeks before our wedding. She even came to our wedding party that night, slept in our bed and vomited all over it.. She gave us a gift card to JC Penny as a wedding gift, one that we used to go get family pictures. All of this happened before i found out. I went through is phone to look at photos, i found one of a female coworker in her underwear and bra. After that i couldn’t let it go that something was going on between them. He lied about why he had it, said she needed a friend she could trust or some bullshit. About two weeks later i discovered that his phone has delivery reports. it shows the first line of each text he’s sent/ i went back and found a bunch of messages where he’s calling her baby and sweetie. I woke him up and told him WTH is going on. He said that they been meeting and they would just touch each other. I called him out on it saying i saw texts that said you miss the sex or me? and he came clean. I told him to call her that minute and tell her what happened. he promised that he wouldn’t talk to her or see her ever again. we been trying to work through it. Two weeks ago i went back through phone records, i saw her number pop up again in January. I told him about it. He said he called her to find out how she’s been and if anyone at work thought anything, i made him quit his job, he didn’t like that or having to stop talking to her apparently. So we fought about that and he says he did it because i wouldn’t stop looking, that i wouldn’t just trust him and so he wouldn’t give me something to find. We kept working at it. he promised there was nothing else. swore it up and down. Two days ago i decided to check an email he barely uses. I looked in the sent folder and i find emails between them from when they were calling each other in January. They were love letters to each other, i wish i could be with you, the days go by so slow, i want to be your lover still, i bet i could make you fall in love with me, sweetie, baby.. all that stuff. It broke my heart. The whole time since i found out he told me it was just about the sex, there were no feelings, no emotions, that he didn’t miss her or want her or any of that. And now i don’t know how to feel about it. He’s always telling me that if i had just trusted him he wouldn’t have done it. I feel like my whole marriage is a lie. How could he stand up there and speak his vows to me knowing what he had done, knowing what he was doing. How could he say our wedding day is that important to him, but it wasn’t important enough to stop what he was doing. How could he wake up the next day and be in her arms. I wasn’t there because i had a class to go to. I’m crushed. He’s wants forgiveness already. He said that he’s been good for that past month, that i didn’t need to know the details of the emails or anything about what happened between them, just that it did. He has that attitude that if that’s what you think of me already then that’s what i’ll do. He admits he was wrong of that, that he shouldn’t have been like that because it just hurt me. I told him he had no right to ask for trust right away and he knows that now. But how do i believe him that he’s trying NOW when in the past two months that i thought he was trying he wasn’t? All i asked from him was 100% honesty 100% of the time, and for him to never contact her again. Neither happened. and i don’t know what to do..

    • Jewels March 1, 2012, 11:46 PM

      Hello Everyone,

      I read everyone’s comments sorry I can not respond to them all, but I am thinking about you and wishing you happier days…..

      Jes – your story reminds me of something I heard Oprah say, which is when someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time. He is showing you over and over again what type of person he is, believe him. Him telling you that the reason he is doing it is because you keep digging – is a cop out that cheaters say, it’s lame and it is not true at all, so do not beat yourself up over it. I know your heart is so torn up over this, just being married with two kids. But here is the thing, most of the women on this site would love to be in your shoes and find out at 24. You have your whole life ahead of you. I am not telling you to stay or leave, but do not think because you have two kids that no one will want you, that is not true at all. I guess what I am saying is that you have options. Lastly, always remember to never go by what he says, always make decisions off of his actions.

      Used to Be Happy – Read what you wrote again, you are making progress, meeting with the lawyer, moving out. Those are steps, and guess what, action and decision is a better state than indecision, any day. May sure you take time to recognize the progress you have made, it might not be how you wanted it to go, but nonetheless it is progress, you are not where you were a month ago.

      Rhonda – no one can answer that for you as if you should stay or leave, you are the only one that knows the entire situation, and you must decide. I think your confidence has been shattered by this (very common) and so you are questioning and doubting your thoughts. Take some time and listen to your voice and what it tells you. Don’t try to force either way, just listen and relax, the answer is probably right in front of you, but if you are too tense and too anxious, you will not be able to hear and believe your own voice. And trust me, you want the decision to come from within, if it comes from someone else, you will have a more difficult time dealing with the decision. And trust that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you and your family. And…yes – counseling for you regardless of what he does, you have a journey of healing that takes place weather you stay or leave the marriage.

      Murphy – I do agree that you have a lot of resentment. I had that same feeling, and the feeling came from putting his needs before mine over and over again. Once I started to say, hey, my needs are important as well, let me do things for ‘me’, it was uncomfortable at first, I felt ‘bad’ for doing it, but I realized that I can in no way be in a position to help or love someone if I can take care of me first. It was a shift in mentality and once I did that, the resentment was no longer an emotion, because I was putting myself first, no need to resent him for anything.

      Aussie guy – Hello! I loved the comment about dancing, it is very fun and uplifting.

  • Tina March 2, 2012, 8:34 AM

    Having a really tough morning my H went out of town and that’s where the OW lives he wasn’t even out the driveway and I’m pucking I hate being like this I hate the person he has made me! He told me u have to trust me. Really!! If it was that easy I wouldn’t be going through this. What is wrong with me I worry more about what he’s doing than my own sanity! I honestly feel like a crazy person. He didn’t even have to go he could have waited for me and the kids to go with him but instead he chose to go instead of easing my pain. Its been 9mth since he had any contact with her that I know of and this is still torture! Why can’t I get past this? I find myself snapping at strangers and they did nothing wrong I can’t seem to get my emotions under control and I hate it! I’m turning into a b**ch! I saw this saying the other day ‘The karma of screwing over a good women is the b**ch you end up with ‘ That’s me!

  • Rhonda March 2, 2012, 10:30 AM

    Tina,

    Know that you are not alone in what you are feeling. I feel the same way today and everday. It’s been 3 months for me and I am telling you I still feel the exact same way that you do. My two little girls watched me cry for the last two hours and I felt awfull because even though he has had no contact with the OW I said the same thing that you did. I am so worried about what he is doing and making sure he doesn’t screw up that I can’t get my own head straight. It is ruining my relationship with my kids, my friends, and my family as none of them know what has happened here. I don’t want pity from people, I just would like understanding and I thank you all for that. So Tina, you are not alone, you are not crazy, because I feel everything that you said to a T.

  • WishICouldBeNormal March 2, 2012, 11:23 AM

    Tina and Rhonda- Even though it probably feels to you like you’ve been in this mess for a long time your situations are actually quite fresh. I can’t say that there is a magic time frame for things to be normal again. I can’t even say that that day ever really comes (this my nickname) but I can give you the hope that if your husband’s are really committed to repair the damage and doesn’t keep doing damaging things that it will get better. I am a little over a year past d-day and it is a lot better than it was at the point you are at. I still have bad days and triggers. Like you Tina, I feel like this has changed me in ways that I don’t at all like. But it is no where near as horrible as it was last year. The focus on his activities is normal. I still check his email and his phone activities although I know from my situation that as long as he knows I’m looking he would not use anything I know about. He would get an email I don’t know about and a pre-paid phone that he could use at work and would leave it there so that I wouldn’t find it. That’s my personal hell. I know that he is sneaky enough to get it past me. My calming fact is my faith. I KNOW God showed me what was going on before. Things that I never thought to check came to my mind without any outside sources. So, I’ve prayed that if I try to fix this mess that is my marriage that God would have my back and hand me the information I need if he is doing it again. That is my source of sanity in the insanity that has become my life. I hope that you both can find some relief from the pain that you are in.
    Blessings to you both.

  • aussie guy March 2, 2012, 5:05 PM

    Hi all,
    I’m confused today as my wife turned up on my doorstep yesterday after she called me by phone and asked if I was available to sign some share documents to do with the the property settlement, which by the way could of been done through my lawyer. She asked if we could meet for coffee some place and I said you know where I live why not come have coffee here. The conversation ended with I’ll see. She said a time and kept to it even though I thought all along she would pull out. Anyhow she came at which I felt very awkward, it was pleasent and talked about things other than her affairs. We walked in my garden which I’m very proud of and had the coffee. As I was making the coffee she had a look through the house even heard a few cupboards open and shut I let her be. She became emotional about some of the furniture which was my half after settlement. She stayed for maybe 45 mins as she had to take her mother someplace. As she left I gave her a hug maybe just to see if I felt anything for her still. She hugged back and said look after yourself. I said I have to because I’m the only one that will. She just smiled at me. I just felt saddness big time that after 40 yrs married this Oct and 4 yrs before that we have to end our lives like this. I’m 60 and she is 59 and this is the time we worked all those years together to have some time together without working . So sad but life will get better I’m sure. Isnt it funny, well not so funny, that you can live with a person all your life and not really get to know them? Beats the heck out of me. Question for you girls, Whats she up to? I think maybe she regrets whats she has done , maybe her relationship isnt going as planned, but how the hell can we fix it from here, stuffed if I know if it can ever be fixed. Cheers

  • Michelle March 2, 2012, 5:23 PM

    Tina and Rhonda – Like you I am having a bad week, and as WishIcouldbenormal says your situations are quite fresh. A time frame, I thought there was one and thought I was starting to heal, or course until last weekend when I found out he was at it all over again. I completely lost it and the sense of total panic set in and feeling like I was in a cell trapped in this torture. Once again I am this crying, frightened wreck, so know where you are coming from. I only found out because one brave person thought I should know, all “our” friends will know as they live and work with him, I have no access to his phones, emails or such like as he works in a different country and is only here from time to time, guess I am very lucky that I do not have it in my face every day like you ladies do, just cannot believe how easy it is for him while I sit here like the good dutiful wife. Now I am focusing on getting my head straight again, this is the hard part, and think of myself and what this is doing to me both physically and mentally, and once again trying to find that space where I start to think of myself and find myself. This time around is harder, that I have realised this week, but know that I have to do it and not allow this cruel person to overcome the person that I am, I am back to getting through each hour without crying, shaking and getting myself into a panic and if I can get through this weekend without wanting to run and hide it will be a step forward. So have faith, be strong and know that somewhere, somehow we are going to make it and we will come through wiser and stronger.

  • aussie guy March 2, 2012, 5:50 PM

    Michelle go ballroom or any sort of dancing it will do you wonders. I have seen some people me included from tears to smiling in 10 minutes when they dance. If you think you can’t dance your kidding yourself. Get yourself some lessons its wonderful. Its the meeting new people , the music, not to mention the brain and body exercise. You will be surprised how many are in the same boat as us. Dance like there is no tomorrow. I’ll be disappointed if you say you can’t girl. Cheers

  • aussie guy March 2, 2012, 10:33 PM

    No one is home today must be off dancing :0) You know what? The money I spent on going to marriage counciling would of been a whole lot more encouraging ,cheaper and heaps more fun going to dance lessons and social dances. Nothing better than to talk to people who have been through the same and there are lots of them who go dancing. They know the pain and the advise is free better still. Sorry girls I keep harping on but its all true. Hugs to you all.

  • jess March 2, 2012, 10:50 PM

    Thanks Jewel, I understand what you’re telling me and i appreciate your advice. I’ve been telling him that he needs to prove that i can trust him and believe his words, not just have blind faith. He does understand that. He says he made a mistake with those emails and he won’t leave me. That he’s never stopped loving and he’s never loved her. While i love hearing that from him ita hard to just swallow. He understands that too. He’s apologized that he’s made things harder for me and us by being such a jerk.

    But and update for today, its a small achievement but still I’ll take what i can get. We slept in all morning today, we’ve been doing every weekend now. When we got up he asked if i checked his phone, for once i didn’t (yay me) lol, but he only asked because he had a missed call from the OW. Also a text from her apologizing for the call saying it was an accident and she was going to delete his number from her phone. He told me about it right away, he didn’t text get back and i told him i appreciated it. And i really do.

    I realize i was upset when typing my previous post, even though he’s made those mistakes after i caught him he’s also done little things for us. He did quit because i wanted him to. When I’m able he stays on the phone all day with me while I’m at work. He takes me to work and our son to school and stays home with our daughter everyday. I dont want to sound like I’m protecting him but i also want him to be fairly judged(?) i guess. He says he was in a dark place too and he felt like there was no hope for us, but he knows that doesn’t excuse what we’ve done, he just wishes we are in a better place than we are right now.

  • ladygator March 2, 2012, 11:37 PM

    Well, I guess it was bound to happen. I’ve been told by close friends and my therapist to prepare for it. But how do you know what you don’t know? The place I have chosen to live during my trial separation is a few blocks from our house – a house that we designed and built together. Our house is on in a residential-agricultural area on 2.5 acres – the house being on a 1 acre parcel, and my pasture and horse barn on the remaining adjacent parcel. Although I don’t own horses at the moment (used to), I have two boarders so I go by and check the barn every day as well as take care of my small flock of hens (fresh eggs are the best!). I can see our house from the property. This evening when I was there taking care of my chores, I couldn’t help but notice it appeared my H was preparing for some sort of cookout with friends. Loading up the coolers on the back patio with ice. People starting to gather. Jeeezus H Christ, I’ve only been out of the house since Feb. 11 and he’s entertaining? In the last few years, I haven’t been able to get him off the recliner and about had to surgically remove the remote from his hand. The few times I’ve been over there since leaving, the man who could not even put a dish in the dishwasher has been keeping the place spotless. I even notice he bought potting soil and potted some plants in the front. The man has never potted a thing in his life. Anyway, I was flooded with an emotion that I don’t even know how to describe – which made me very unnerved because how can I process an unfamiliar emotion? It wasn’t sadness, it wasn’t the same feeling I had when I had found out about his affairs, it was something completely unfamiliar. I felt like I was a stranger and an outsider in what once was a familiar territory. Of the people that I did see, I did recognize, but I was flooded with thoughts of who is there that I don’t know? What is he telling him about why I am not there? (I have not disclosed my separation to anyone except my brother, my best friend, my counselor and my attorney – retained just to be safe). If he is telling people I left, I am pretty sure I will be made to look like the pariah. Because of my protection of him over all these years, most people think he’s this “great guy” who would never cheat on me, is so nice, what a catch, la la effing la. I feel cheated out of my moral vindication. I know I don’t need public moral vindication to be happy and move on permanently if that is what I choose to do, but I still wanted it just the same. Maybe I still can someday, but after watching what my mother went through (she was physically and verbally abused for 20 years and covered it up under pressure from our church), when she finally disclosed it, no one believed her and many still don’t to this day and have broken all ties with her for propagating such lies. I always vowed that I would not become a battered woman, but I fear that I have, just in a different way. Aussie guy, I think I kinda know how you feel. Strange and trying to figure out what these mixed messages are because we have been having civil, pleasant conversations, and then on the other hand, he seems to be moving on rather quickly without me. Anyway, I guess I am not really looking for answers from you all, because there may not be one. I more or less needed to get this off my chest because what happened tonight so totally rattled me. However, insights are always welcome if anyone has any.

  • Joan March 3, 2012, 1:58 AM

    I need answers. Ladies, is anyone experiencing the kind of behavior I am going to tell you about? My husband cheated 8 years ago. I found out 6 months ago. I’ve decided to stay, swallow my pride, and take care of myself.
    However, my husband is crazier than ever. Why is he so angry all the time and constantly jumping down my throat? He is the one that cheated. I was the one who was betrayed. He was very happy when I didn’t know about it.
    Now I am starting to see a different man than the one I knew for 42 years.
    Is it because I now have one over on him? Is it because I now know that he is not honest and a cheater? Is it because I wear my heart on my sleeve and he has been hiding his true feelings? I never know how to respond to him. If I say hum, hum, he thinks I am ignoring him. If I give my opinion, then he questions or says I knew you would say that in angry matter. Nothing I say or do is right. But, before I knew about this affair he was fine. Didn’t pick on every little thing. And I know this affair is over because we are together all the time. We no longer work. But he is so angry all the time. Is it because I found him out? I am at my wits end trying to makes sense of all this craziness!

  • WishICouldBeNormal March 3, 2012, 9:28 AM

    Ladygator- you are a bigger woman than I am because if that had been me I would have thought of something I needed from the house, went right in the middle of his little party, and when asked why I wasn’t staying would have replied “oh, he didn’t tell you? We’ve been separated since I found out about his affairs?” Nope, would not have done for him to blatantly act as though he was moving on. He wouldn’t be living in my house either. He would have been the one to leave. Like I said, I give you props for being a bigger woman.

    Joan- It is because you found out. When my husband got caught he acted like he was demon possessed. He tried to make me think I was crazy and imagining the whole thing. When that didn’t work he got hateful. He didn’t like being exposed. He doesn’t like anyone to see what he can sink to. He thinks that he isn’t guilty unless people know. He’s good at manipulating people so that they think what he wants. As far as he was concerned I was blowing his reputation just because it wasn’t a secrete any more when the reality was that he was the one that ruined it not me. He is picking at everything you do to make himself feel better. When he does this you should look him in the eyes and calmly say “I am sorry that my finding out about your affair has made you feel bad about yourself but I’m not responsible for that you are. I’m not going to allow you to make be feel bad about myself just so that you can make yourself look better so you need to stop treating me the way you have been. It isn’t helping repair the hurt you’ve caused.”

  • aussie guy March 4, 2012, 4:30 PM

    Hi all, Ladygator I think he keeps the house tidy to impress you if you happen to come visit. I know I did that when my wife left. I wanted her to see it how she left it and that I still loved her. It’s too hard to fall out of love isn’t it when we have loved a person for so long. Can’t speak for your H but I think he still loves you. Prob the entertaining might be just for you to see and make you jealous. It’s working isn’t it? :) If I was you I’d move house further away so you can’t see eachother so much. He just wants you to know your giving up a good one. Can only hope my wife feels the same as you. It all might be a matter of the devil you know its a jungle out there believe me. Take care.

  • WishICouldBeNormal March 4, 2012, 6:38 PM

    REALLY AUSSIE GUY? He wants to make her jealous? Wants her to know she’s giving up a good one? She moved out and they are separated; I kinda think that shows she’s jealous (at least in the sense that she doesn’t want him cheating) . To repeat: she moved out of the house; this pretty much shows that she knows exactly she’s giving up. Am I missing some kind of inside humor because I’m having a trigger day or what? I bet she’d be more impressed if he’d start thinking with the organ between his ears instead of the one between his legs.
    Wow, don’t know where all of that hostility came from. Nothing personal. Think you just triggered something else. Egad!

  • aussie guy March 4, 2012, 7:40 PM

    Hi again sorry for upsetting you but I’m just making a point that he is pressing her buttons. We all get jealous and angry when you think the other has moved on. I think he is making it feel to her its her fault for moving out. All too sad I know that, been there done that. Sorry again. Cheers

  • WishICouldBeNormal March 4, 2012, 8:15 PM

    Like I said, it’s not you. No need to apologize. I’m not even her and it pushed my buttons. I think one of my sore spots is still the fact that after my husband told me he was divorcing me I only told my kids (who live here but are grown) and my siblings because I was a stay at home mom with no income. I was in a panic about how I was going to keep my home and pay my bills.

    He, on the other hand, told all of his friends and family that WE had agreed to divorce because of “irreconcilable differences”. And started to plan a life without me, complete with taking his relationship with his best friend’s whoring wife from long distance to physical. He’s family was angry at both of us for wanting a divorce after 28 years of marriage. They had no idea. He said all kinds of things behind my back and only corrected himself with his brothers because I demanded it. He never told his friends the truth. They still think I’m an evil *itch.

    If he ever does this again no one will have to wonder what happened. They will know because I won’t let my reputation do a nose dive to protect his again. Yep, I’m triggering. Sorry for the rant.

  • aussie guy March 4, 2012, 8:34 PM

    Good to vent let it all out. I used to go down the paddock and scream till I couldnt anymore. Made me feel a little better but did my throat get sore. I believe things in life happen for a reason. Hard to work out at the time but we will know down the track a bit. I’m feeling much better about my future as I have a whole lot of new friends. Some of my old ones didn’t support me so they would be a waste of time now. You are normal even if your name says your not . Try the dancing I assure you it will be the best thing you done. Here we go again about DANCING grrrrr I can hear you all say .Cheers

  • WishICouldBeNormal March 4, 2012, 9:10 PM

    :o) Wish I could try the dancing. I sounds wonderful. I used to be fairly good at it. My husband refuses to dance with me (not others just me, another trigger) and I’m not in a place right now that I can go take lessons. Any other setting that one might find dancing would not be appropriate for a married woman to be in alone.

    We moved here 4 years ago. I have no friends so my only contact with the outside world is work and Facebook . I can’t even go to church because I have to work every Sunday. The isolation has made it harder to deal with and the friends I have from the state I moved from are angry at me because I didn’t leave my husband. They have kind of snubbed me because they think I’m foolish. Maybe I am…but I wanted to be able to look at myself in a mirror and know I did everything I could to save our marriage. If he does it again he won’t even be able to say that I had a part in making that bad much less say I caused the affair.
    Long day…Feel like I’m a fireworks factory and someone has been lighting firecrackers all day. Some days I worry they get too close to the bigger stuff if you know what I mean.
    No grrrrr here just >sigh<

  • aussie guy March 4, 2012, 9:27 PM

    Quote….Any other setting that one might find dancing would not be appropriate for a married woman to be in alone.
    Your seperated and even if you were married its no harm to go dancing alone I know plenty of women who do. Your going dancing not to an orgy. Cheers

  • ladygator March 4, 2012, 10:12 PM

    Aussie Guy, I would love to be able to say he keeps the house tidy because I was such a good housekeeper and he wanted to impress me. Truth be told, prior to me moving out, we had a housekeeper come a few times a month which I was helping to pay for. Sad to say, I think he is doing it because he’s too cheap to pay for it even tho he can more than afford it. I had texted him that evening which he did not answer. It wasn’t until late the following day he took the time to text me that the washing machine broke and that he spent hours fixing it. Cry me a river. That’s ok. I made him wonder in return. I didn’t answer him until late Saturday – let him wonder what I was doing. At that point, I simply asked him point blank and he said he had work buddies over (I believe him because I of those that I did see, I recognized) for a cookout, some beers and a cigar. Went on about how he needed a nice relaxing evening, la la la. I simply said “That’s good. I had a nice, fun day too.” Stew on that. WishICouldBeNormal, you’re right. I would be more impressed if he’d starting using the organ between his ears and figure out that he’d have more of a chance of impressing me by going to counseling than throwing parties, if he has that much time on his hand. I am just sitting back and seeing where his priorities lie. And in addition to Aussie Guy’s comments about dancing, I would like to add that martial arts is also a great diversion. I study Krav Maga and was doing quite well until I had a series of surgeries over the last 2 years that has prohibited or limited me from participating. But I hope to be back at it. It left me feeling so empowered and it’s an unbelievable workout. And the interaction with the other students was great.

  • Michelle March 4, 2012, 10:16 PM

    WishIcouldbenormal – I know exactly how you feel about the going out by yourself. I am also in a place where I have no friends, lost all mine thanks to him, they are in a situation where they all work for him so can understand. He has even said to me that it is not appropriate for a married woman to go out anywhere alone, so here I sit, dutiful and obeying whilst he carries on where he lives with the OOOW as I am totally dependant on him at this stage. This site is where I get to talk when I feel I can and am not dealing with one new hell after another with him, also does’nt help that I am extremely shy, so do know how you feel. Also know about the firecrackers being lit and the bigger stuff, think we all have those days, but they do pass. I at least woke up today and didn’t cry, even have managed to breath easy today, it is now just over a week since I found out that he was at it all over again, and am trying really hard to get back on track. Heal yourself first the rest will come with time. You will know when you are ready to go out and find something, be it dancing or a group you can join. I think it is easier for men (no offence Aussie guy) to get out there, people look down on women and judge far quicker than you realise.

  • aussie guy March 4, 2012, 10:27 PM

    Yep hard to do I agree. It’s hard for guys too. I drove 45 minutes each way 3 times to go dancing only to get there and couldn’t get myself to go in. Maybe I’m a sook on the inside. But still glad I had the balls to do it in the end. So grow some balls girls :) You will be ok no one bites. Cheers

  • WishICouldBeNormal March 4, 2012, 10:40 PM

    Ha Ha LOL, I’m not separated, I’m just over the one year “fixing it” mark. I’m also in a very small southern town. Believe me when I say no where appropriate. As for the balls….I have a well developed spine but can do without the balls. Hope you have a blast though. You’re a hoot and good for a smile. Thanks!

  • aussie guy March 4, 2012, 10:51 PM

    Tar U 2

  • Rhonda March 5, 2012, 12:32 AM

    So my husband and I went away for a night by ourselves. First time the two of us spent time alone together without kids in 5 years. I am 3 months after finnding out and trying very hard to get over this. I spent most of the night crying and the next morning also. Is that a sign? All I could think about during dinner was did he ever take her out anywhere. Their affair was just an emotional one, but it lasted for a year. The pain of knowing that the person you love and thought loved you was in love with someone else is like death. I could not concentrate on enjoying the evening with him at all. He fell asleep and woke up when I was crying to comfort me a little and fell asleep again. The next morning he got up early and showered, I woke up without him in bed and started crying again. This crying has been non-stop for the last week. It is worst than the first week I found out. I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate, I am sick to my stomach all day long. Am I doing the right thing? I question every little thing I am doing and every thing he is doing or saying. I have no trust or belief in him what so ever. There has been no contact with the OW, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking that he has come up with other ways to do it. I know he is becoming fustrated with this behaviour of mine, and has in a way shut down, but I can’t control this feeling of loss I have. Please anyone I need some advice. Am I doing the right thing. Should I be with him right now when it seems so painful to just have a regular conversation with him. Should I ask him to leave and give me some time? What do I do? I also want to know if I should be telling people about what he did and why I am the way that I am. The only person that knows is my cousin and my mom and they would never say anything to him. I am so lost………….and confused………..and destroyed………HELP!!!

  • aussie guy March 5, 2012, 12:37 AM

    Hi Michelle you wrote … I think it is easier for men (no offence Aussie guy) to get out there, people look down on women and judge far quicker than you realise.
    Tell ya what why worry what people think . I go by the old saying “It’s none of my business what people think of me”. It’s so true when you come to think of it. Not many spend too much time thinking bad about others I know I don’t. Who cares what I think anyhow. Cheers

  • aussie guy March 5, 2012, 12:58 AM

    Feeling for you Rhonda . My best advise is give it time. Everyone told me that in the beginning but I thought it was a standard answer because everyone didnt know the answer so they said that. But time does heal but my heart still bleeds at times . Think the trouble is we know our past was a safe place but we don’t know our future. I found it was like seeing a brick wall in front of me too hard to climb so I had to make foot holes day by day in the wall so I could climb it. Havn’t got to the top yet but I can see I’m getting there and you will too. Hugs Rhonda sound like you need it. Cheers

  • Lydia March 5, 2012, 2:36 AM

    Did anyone else’s H publically whore himself out online? Am I the only one? I am so pissed off right now. I’ve had a really bad night.
    He is remouseful, apologetic and we even went the therapy together. He swears up and down that he’s told me everything. There’s nothing left.
    Well, I found more last night. His famous answer: I don’t remember. That’s his answer for everything! He says that he’s told me that what he has admitted to is what he remembers, that he would tell me if he could remember it all. Bullsh*t! My response is that it’s a conveniet crutch for him to fall back on: Whatever I find he doesn’t need to claim deceit because he didn’t “remember”; Whatever I don’t find he doesn’t need to confess to because he doesn’t “remember”.

    Well Ladies, I made the deicision to leave and I told him so. He’s a great dad and I told him that I want him to help me raiseour daughter, that he is not to date while she is young and when she’s older (starts school) he can go his merry way with whatever other pathetic cyber whore he finds. He has agreed. I am moving back to my home country as well.

    To tell ya’ll the truth: part of me wanted to work it out for our daughter, part because I am afraid of being alone, part because I will NEVER trust another man again and don’t want to be alone. But, I’ve come to the conclusion that being with him is not worth the risk of my sanity, self-esteem and enjoying my child’s motherhood. I may be alone for the rest of my life, but I’ll be happy and free from feeling like I have to be super-spy. I will work on the trusting men issue for my daughter’s sake, but that’s it. I am done with him! He’s a selfish assh*le that wants to keep his secrets at the expense of his family. He can have them! I only imagine what else he’s hiding, because I know there’s more (and even more damaging) if he’s willing to keep what I’ve found a secret.

    *Another note: If you respond to me, please keep “God” out of your answer. Not everyone appreciates it. Thank you.*

  • aussie guy March 5, 2012, 2:43 AM

    There is no other answer but God I’m sorry. I was angry at him too but learned real quick its a lonely world out there without him. You will trust again just not right now. I will also trust but will learn by my mistakes.

  • WishICouldBeNormal March 5, 2012, 7:16 AM

    Rhonda- I think you went for that night away too soon. The crying is worse because at first you were in shock. The shock is wearing off and the grief is starting. As bad as it feels you need to let yourself feel it any way. Your life as you knew it died the day you found out. You need to grieve that loss. The good news is you didn’t die with it and you will have another one to replace it. It will feel like an uphill battle (like aussie guy’s wall) but there is a new stronger you on the other side. Don’t worried about your husband losing patience with you. That might just be how it feels to you but even if it’s not he has no right to be anything but patient and supportive if he wants to be with you. I may prick is conscience, it may hurt to know he hurt you so much, but that’s good for him. It will reinforce the truth that he doesn’t live in a bubble where he gets to do what he wants without affecting others. If he truly loves you it will burn an image in his mind that he never wants to live through again.
    As for telling other people you need to have support but you really want to limit who you tell if you are going to stay together. I’ll give you a few reasons for that. Certain people, especially those who really care about you, will not be supportive of your decisions. Those people will press for what they think you should do, not just give they opinion but actively push you toward what they want you to do. Then if you don’t do it their way many of those people will become a new source of pain for you. Two, you and your husband are in a very vulnerable place right now. There are some people who would use that to make a play for one of you which would make things even worse. My husband’s affair started after he told his best friend’s wife we were having problems. She took that and ran with it until she almost destroyed my life. You telling the wrong person could give them an open to approach him or to take advantage of you while you are in such pain. Be careful who you tell.
    That whole “it get’s better with time” thing is a pain to hear but it is true. Go easy on yourself and take it as slowly as YOU need it to go. (((hugs)))

  • WishICouldBeNormal March 5, 2012, 7:35 AM

    aussie guy is right. The only answer to any healing from this is God. He is all that has held me together. He is the one who I look to for truth in the middle of all of the lies. He is the perfect one yet he loves me despite my flaws. He is the one who proved I have great worth, nothing could prove that more than what Jesus did for me on the cross. He is the one that let’s nothing in my life, not even this agony, go to waste. He will restore what I have lost or he will give me back much more. It doesn’t mean I sit back and do nothing. It means that as I take one shaky step at a time He will be there. No matter what happens I am never alone. When you feel you can trust no one else you can trust him. People fail but he is faithful.

    Not meaning to preacher. Saying it to others reaffirms the truth to myself. Good way to start my day. I hope that you all have a wonderful day..

  • Rhonda March 5, 2012, 12:37 PM

    Aussie and Wish I could be normal

    Thank you so much for the advice. My logical self says the same things that you guys do, I think it is just my heart that is keeping me in this place right now. I do understand that I have hit the complete grief stage. I cannot go 2 hours without crying. Thank you for answering me back. I am in such a dark place right now that your guys light gives me something to reach for. Let’s just hope I can keep reaching and not give up. Thank you again.

  • Ella March 5, 2012, 1:01 PM

    Rhonda — I read your post and feel your pain. I did “that night” only a month after my D-Day and while it started great — it ended where yours did — in tears. The pain is overwhelming — like someone punched you in the stomach. I used to roll on the floor praying to God to help me. How awful, right? That someone’s actions can destroy “you” as you know it. That is what is so heinous about it. And getting your sense of self back. I had to quit my stressful sales job — it was a great job — people thought I was nuts — but no one ever really knew the real reason. It was because I lost all confidence and self-esteem. I’m still not really there yet and it’s been almost one year. So we know your pain — hang in there — it will lessen with time. Mine was an EA as well — only three months — but they used the L word as well. How does that happen? Not sure — they are just not in a good frame of mind at that time. I still can’t get that answer — just that it was wrong and a bad reaction to stress in his life. Someone made him feel better about himself — and he did that with her — she was married as well. Grief is the hard stage — so is deciding whether to stay. I decided to stay because I do have feelings for him — but they have changed — that is what is hard — I don’t love to the fullest now — and probably never will again — I’m not guarded and will have trust issues. So — you are right to keep reaching and growing and not giving up. And hopefully your relationship will get better than ever. We can’t go back in time — and obviously, it wasn’t ideal. So this is the time to change it for the better. Hope you feel better.

  • Em March 5, 2012, 1:27 PM

    Lydia,
    No you are not the only one out there….mine just whored himself out to everyone and still does from what I hear. Online dating sites are one of his fav’s…just hooking up with everything…only thing they need is a heart beat. My exH also used the “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” excuse/response when confronted. There may be more out there that you don’t want to know about too. Everyday it seemed there was something else that came to light about his behavior….getting caught in lie after lie…more women, just a lot of crap and he would just say “I don’t know or I don’t remember”. It got to a point that he couldn’t even remember what he had told me because EVERYTHING was a lie. I took a step back adn realized that I didn’t even know this person, because the man that I married would have never done this to me and our children. He got lost and he still is lost. We have been divorced since April2012, he still tries to come back every now and then when he lonely, out of money, or just having a pitty party for himself. I am numb towards him, I get tired of always being yelled for everything, b*tched at for every little thing, he calls me names, threatens me with dumb stuff…..its crazy that this man that I loved for so long and would have done anything in the world for and did….except put up with cheating, I stayed for everything else, there was even rumors…but this time I had hard evidence. I don’t know him and really I’m not sure I wanna know someone who can be so hateful towrds someone that they supposedly love. It’s crazy!

  • aussie guy March 5, 2012, 3:46 PM

    Hi all a rainy day here today. Hope yours is better. Rhonda my feeling is for you to leave. Nothing will hit him harder than you to make a stand and leave for a month or two maybe even forever. If you let him get away scot free he will do it time and time again. He has to suffer for what he has done to you. He will never learn that he just can treat you this way. I know that it’s hard to leave I did it and know all about it, but we have to have pride in ourselves. Don’t worry what other people will think thats the least of our worries I think. He needs to be held accountable for what he has done and that might be letting others close to him know whats going on. You will get stonger each day and the greif will subside gradually . Its been over 2 yrs for me and even thought I still feel very sad at times I know I’m getting stronger. Why do people have to hurt others so badly just for a romp in the hay which never works out anyhow. Hugs all

  • ladygator March 5, 2012, 5:53 PM

    Lydia:
    My H uses the playing dumb technique. I feel like shaking him by the shoulders and saying “Really, you’ve known me for 20 years and you really think I am that stupid?” He’d play dumb on other things, not just the cheating, which I find insulting and disrepectful and mentally draining – how can you argue against stuff like that? Even in the one session he did attend with me with the counselor, she pegged it right away. Such a habit, he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. Finally one day I told him “if your memory is really that bad, I am going to make an appointment for you with a neurologist to see if there is something medically wrong. ” He just looked at me stunned.

    If they only knew the the path of destruction that they leave in the wake of their actions….

    Lydia, I am wishing you peace and strength in your decision to leave . I am fresh of that decision – less than 30 days out of the house, but I am not sorry. That is not to say it was, and isn’t a rollercoaster, but at the end of the day, I am still at peace with my decision and continue to just make decisions ODAAT. I still have the text message from my counselor from the day after I moved out. I had sent her that I was overwhelmed with a feeling of “OMG, what have I done?” She texted me back “Change – regardless of the magnitude – always catches our attention. Breathe deeply, remind yourself you have given this lots of thought, and keep focused on feeling more comfortable for just the next 24 hours. Then repeat the above.” It sounds like you have given this lots of thought. Trust yourself.

  • WishICouldBeNormal March 5, 2012, 6:59 PM

    I’d like to as those who are at least a year out from D-Day, especially those who stayed with their spouse after they cheated a question. Please really think about it before you answer.

    Were there things in your marriage that you “just lived with” before the affair that make you absolutely crazy now?
    I feel awful that this is what my line of thinking is “I can’t believe that after all he has put me through with his self centered affair that he can’t fix some of this crap that I’ve had to live with for decade!” Look, I haven’t asked him to crawl on his hands and knees and beg. I haven’t publicly humiliated him. But I’m sick and freaking tired of me doing all of the work to fix my part of what went wrong in our marriage while he sits back and changes nothing. So what if he isn’t cheating anymore. Big freaking deal! How about he fix what he caused to go wrong in the marriage before the affair. Trigger? I worked all day today. He got home from his night shift after I had left the house. I asked that he take out the salmon for tonight’s dinner. He said he would. Now, when it’s time to put it in the oven, I find that it’s still in the freezer. He was so busy playing computer games that he forgot. Now I’ll be eating salad for dinner while everyone else has a hot meal because I can’t eat the quick meal they are having because I’m on a diet. The diet I’m obsessed with because I gained 20 more pounds (I’m already way to heavy) last year because I’m an emotional eater. I ask one thing. You would have thought I’d asked him to take me dancing or something
    Am I being unfair to be angry or is it crazy to expect that the behavior I allowed for almost 30 years will change just because he should want to make me happy?
    UGGGGGGH!!!! And I was having a good day…:o(

  • ladygator March 5, 2012, 8:28 PM

    Hello WICBN:
    I don’t know what I can even add to that. My D-days (that I know of) were in 2002, so I am well over the “one year mark” that you asked about. Like you, I did not publicly humiliate him and in fact, completely protected him by not telling a single soul and kept it all inside until just last year. Looking back, it was a terrible burden for someone to bear all by themselves. The behaviors that were occuring prior to the cheating have continued after the cheating. I had a series of triggers over the holidays and got to the point where I just said “The sh*t filter is full.” I made my decision to move out in early January and “planned my escape” as they say. I got to the point where I felt like after all I put up with prior to the the affairs, after taking him back, after covering for him, and after putting up with several more years of no change or serious effort on his part to change, I decided by allowing these behaviors to continue, I was encouraging it to continue. I even told him that he wouldn’t have put up with a fraction of what I did, and that in fact, he had made threats to divorce me for far less that I had put up with. Of course, looking back, the threats were intended to intimdate, manipulate, and control my behavior into the way he wanted. You are not being unfair or crazy. If anything, it’s just the opposite. I think you are finally demanding fairness and sanity in your life.

  • WishICouldBeNormal March 5, 2012, 9:31 PM

    ladygator- Thanks for acknowledging my right to my feelings without wanting to call someone to put me away. The therapist I went to for all of three sessions (which he slept through about 15 minutes of each) wanted to put me on pills and send me to a “clinic” for a month. Said I was too hysterical (gee, lets think about that: husband of almost 30 years was having an affair, husband was getting a divorce, I was 46, over weight with health problems and no job or much job experience, I have three college students still living at home and my oldest brother had just been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer…what was there to be hysterical about?) The last thing I want is for this whole mess to turn me into the b***h that he told all of his friends and his whore that I was. Sometimes I feel like all of the years of dealing with his PTSS before his meds plus the affair have driven me crazy and rendered me incapable of thinking rationally. When I finally opened up to several long time friends who live in another state they all but stopped talking to me because I didn’t leave. This is the only place where I can talk about what my life has turned into. This is beyond sad.

  • ladygator March 5, 2012, 10:16 PM

    Dear WICBN:
    I am sorry to hear you had such a bad experience with your therapist. After seeing some of the comments on this board, I feel very lucky to have found the one I did. My undergraduate degree is in psychology so it pains me to hear that those types are out there. I feel like this giant, liberating light bulb has gone off in my life. I understand how you don’t want to turn into the b**tch that they are all saying you are, but at the end of the day, they are gonna say what they want. For me, once my decision gets out to others, I will be persona non grata. A year ago, I was in tears over the thought of that. But I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t really give a rats rearend. I almost double dog dare him to start talking sh*t about me. I will whip out all the graphic emails his psycho bitch (PB) would send to me with all the graphic sexual details about their escapades in my house, in my bed, on my kitchen counter, in my shower, and the funniest part, in MY Corvette I had at the time. I even said to him, you can’t even impress her with your sh*t, you have to take her out in mine. WTF???? I loved that car, bought it brand new & it was mint. Needless to say, couldn’t drive that anymore. And while he was taking psycho bitch out in my car, I found all the Harlequin Romance novel type emails he was sending to his EA OW. It all culminated with psycho bitch showing up in my driveway (she lived 2 streets over) one night and the three of us had a very loud showdown. I finally looked at her and said, if you think he’s being faithful to you while cheating on me, guess what. And showed her the emails he was sending to the EA OW at the same time frame he was seeing PB OW. Even sicker, was the the PB was trying to send me even more emails under the guise of an anonymous friend, which through some DNS tracking software I have, was able to prove it was all coming from her. So if he wants to go down the “my wife is a money grobbing b*tch” he better just prepare for that throwdown because I will pull out all my emails, all my evidence that they all originated from her, all his love letters to the other EA OW at the same time, and the creme de la creme, his addition to teen genre porn (legally 18, but really, what difference does that make. He is 47 and gravitates to porn that depicts “hot teen babes.”) He didn’t know I found his stash, and I made scanned copies of them all. I then told him that if he pushed my buttons too hard, perhaps the Internal Affairs department at the PD he worked for might want to know….. Although maybe not technically illegal, certainly not something you’d want your friends, commanders, and the newpaper to know. My crime? “I let myself go” and “when I was hungry, you wouldn’t go out an buy me a sub, but OW does.” WFT? Do you want a wife or a maid/waitress/mother? I work a 60 hour a week job, was getting my masters degree, building a house, and had a gargoyle for a boss. I could write the equivalent to War and Peace with all I have put up with. Yes, he will always have his guy buddies that will stick by him, but with the stack of stuff I have, believe me, he would no longer be on that pedestal that many have him on. Anyway, all I want to say is you’re NOT crazy. Rather, WELCOME TO THE AGE OF ENLIGHTENMENT. I know your long time friends may have abandoned you, but we’ve got your back on this board. Stay the course.

    If anyone in this board is in the South Florida area, and wants a referral to an excellent therapist, let me know and perhaps we can connect off line and relay the info.

  • WishICouldBeNormal March 5, 2012, 10:53 PM

    ladygator- long story short… after 27 years of dealing with him and his untreated PTSS I thought things were finally going to get better. After he almost had a breakdown due to serious memory problems (threw which I held him, let him call me in the middle of the night to help him find his way to where he was supposed to be) he finally got antidepressants. A year later he was having an affair with his best friends wife and planning to divorce me. What a trade off.

    A lot of people think I’m a sucker for staying. Maybe I am. I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say I gave it all I had. He won’t be able to claim I didn’t have sex when he wanted, as often as he want, or how he wanted. He won’t be able to say I was mean to him or that I didn’t give him any praise to stroke his ego. Nope, if he does this to me again the whole, 100% problem will be him. That goes for another affair and a bad marriage. And if that day ever comes I will be done. I cannot and will not do this again. I know he doesn’t love me like I wish he did. I’m just counting on him loving me enough to not do this again. Right now I’m willing to take that. Pathetic I know but… I no longer have dreams, they are just disappointing. I deal with reality which isn’t much better. If I didn’t love him. If I could manage to hate him I wouldn’t be here. But I do and I can’t so…

  • aussie guy March 5, 2012, 11:30 PM

    Ummmm a woman with a Corvette I’m impressed too not only her. I got a Harley is anyone impressed :) And do I love that thing. It is better than paying a therapist. What better is to ride a Harley to a dance then tell me. Bugger the therapists they can do ok without me I tried that. Smile girls it could be far worse. Take a look at some of the other countries people have to live in. I think we are all very lucky really. We will find happiness if we go seek it, if you want sadness go seek that its there as well . Luv ya all and don’t forget to keep your chin up. Cheers

  • aussie guy March 5, 2012, 11:44 PM

    A question for you girls……. Have any of you had a payback affair or even thought of one .
    I have a saying for you might help you smile I don’t know but here goes. If you want to get OVER someone get UNDER someone. Hope ya smiling there! Might try it myself :) again haha

  • Lydia March 6, 2012, 12:24 AM

    Hi Em and Ladygator!
    Thanks for your responses. I am at peace with my decision. As soon as I made it, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I don’t have to go searching for his secrets anymore because they won’t be mine to work through. I am focusing on our daughter and being the best mom possible.

    Ladygator, I had a thought when I read your entry. I could be wrong, most probably am, but what struck me is how your H seemed to go out of his way to personally attack you (your bed, your Corvette, etc) . Is he jeaous of you? You seem like a determined, focused person with so much potential and handling so much while he’s playing video games. Just a thought.

  • Michelle March 6, 2012, 12:41 AM

    Ladygator, sounds like he is definitely jealous of you, am inspired by your courage and strength, you too Lydia.
    Aussieguy, now that is an awesome saying, the over and under, it definitely made me smile.
    That sense of freedom in a fast car or on a bike is magic therapy, it is the one time I feel free when I get the chance to do that on a clear stretch of road.

  • Em March 6, 2012, 10:09 AM

    Wish I could be normal,
    Yes, there are lots of things that I “just lived with”…mainly I got tired of being yelled at all the time for voicing my opinion or dislikes or even likes. So yes, I just learn to avoid those situations that will “set him off” because I didn’t want to piss him off or be yelled at anymore. It was his way of controling how everyone in our house behaved. The kids and I would literally gather in one room while he was home…it was almost like we were trying to stay out of his way on purpose. We knew he would not come in the living room if all of us were in there together…he couldn’t single anyone out that way. I have learned that I will never just “live with anything again” and hopefully neither will any of my kids.

    Aussie guy…payback affair…oh yeah! Not so much an affair because we were divorced, but his friend didn’t mind ;) I did wait until we were divorced. And yes, I agree to the dancing…it is wonderful. What is even more wonderful in a haha kinda way is when you and your ex accidently show up at the same event and you are dancing with someone and he’s not (my ex only dances/sways to slow songs). it was actually therapeutic for me and liberating and all by accident.

    To all my new friends on here..I have been reading your posts about what other people will or do think about you and your H…Dr. Suess says it best “Those who mind, don’t matter…and those who matter, don’t mind”. My exH says his stuff about me to people…I don’t mind…those who know me know who I am and for those that believe that I am the “big B” that he says I am…that’s fine with me too…I have no problem living up to that, it means I’m no longer his doormat :) My ex told me that I had “changed”….I said nope, I didn’t…you just never knew me.
    ((HUGS)) to everyone….we all need them :)

  • Rhonda March 6, 2012, 11:42 AM

    I just want to say thanks to all the ladies that commented on my posts the other day. I had had a really rough week and was literally losing my mind. This morning was the first time I woke up with some energy to get through the day. So…..maybe my week is looking up. You guys are truelly a pillar of strength during this time when it seems I have none.

    Aussie guy,
    I wish it was that easy to just leave, but we have 4 kids 8, 6, 4, and 3. I am pretty much their only caregiver and who would take in myself and my 4 kids. Not many people could. We would have no where to go and we are not a wealth family at all, we could not afford it. I have thought sometimes in an evil way that he would deserve for me to leave and let him wallow in what he has done, but like the conditions above, it is just not possible. My kids and I are going on our first vacation at the end of March and I am hoping I can hang in until then. That atleast will give me time away from our house and him and I will see how relieved I am or not about being away from him with my kids on my own. I know I can handle my kids on my own, I have been raising them by myself for the last eight years anyways