Second, you’re absolutely right! It is WAY more than being cheated on. I hope I conveyed that reality in my post??

However, right now because I’m basically in the discovery phase, albeit 14 years later, I’m CONSUMED with the fact that he cheated! ON TOP of everything else he has put me through. I feel stuck in that place and don’t know how to get out. For now, I feel the details of that time ARE important in my being able to recover and move forward in my life, with or without him.

Most important though, I’m ANGRY with myself for allowing this man to treat me disrespectfully! He has manipulated me for years and because I didn’t want my children to have the kind of life I had growing up, moving from place to place; being ripped out of schools only to have to start over at another one (no I’m not from a military family or divorced family), I tolerated and even enabled his REPREHENSIBLE behaviors. I’m no martyer so it pains me that I made the worse mistake in my life (staying with him and continueing to have kids with HIM). Our constant arguing has ABSOLUTELY impacted our kids in a negative way and for that I’m truly saddened!

However, I’m at a place in life where we no longer have young children so in answer to your question, our situation doesn’t require him to babysit. Our youngest is 14. I can come and go when I please, basically. Plus, due to a work related injury, I can no longer work, so I’m home everyday. This is a good thing because I have plenty of time to think over my life. It is a bad thing too because I have plenty of time to think! I would like to also mention, like you, I chose not to go out with girlfriends but for different reasons than you. I believed that going out without your spouse could eventually prove disasterous. Coupled with that, the few times that I did, he would use that as a reason why he should go out and (I felt) he would get back at me. I know, terrible! This is what being psychologically and emotionally abused looks like!

Right now, intellectually, I would do anything to be able to end the marriage and start over. Emotionally I am scared frozen. I have been with this man for 26 years! Financially, I have no income and no where to go. I don’t know where to turn. So when I say stuck, I really mean it. I can’t say unequivically whether or not I love my husband. The things he still does (I guess one would consider them minor in comparison) hurts me. Would I care if I didn’t love him? Would it hurt or bother me? I’m perplexed by these questions.

To make matters worse, it was recently discovered that my husband has ADD. These individuals suffering with the affliction don’t process information like you and I. It’s very frustrating dealing with someone that doesn’t see reality. This is NO excuse for any of his behaviors just a reflection of my daily frustrations.

Thanks for listening! You take care also!!

Hello there!! Yes I got your email, it just takes me a couple of days to respond . Since you posted on the site as well I will just respond to the posting. I honestly think in reading your story, you are really asking about getting over the lying for 14 years about this woman, but really, I think the real issue is bigger than that. The real issue is that you have been with a man that has been mistreating you throughout the entire marriage in various ways. You feel broken and beaten down from years of drama with him. You can not ‘clean up’ years of hurt and pain in a couple of months. It’s more than just the lying about him cheating 14 years ago. Its about the anger that you feel trapped. It’s about the lying over the years, not just this time. It’s about him constantly not taking your feelings into account. It’s the fact that you feel used. It’s so much more than just the cheating.

If know you feel trapped, especially with the kids. Does he watch the kids sometimes while you take a break? I think that is what you need right now more than anything else, time to yourself so that you can build your self-esteem up. I would not advise you to walk out right now because your self-esteem has been beat up by him constantly putting your feelings to the side. It’s important to build yourself up so that you can accurately see the situation for what it is. If he is willing to do whatever it takes, tell him you need some time alone, maybe one night a week so you can get yourself together. During this time, get out of the house, go out with friends, go to an organizational meeting, just do something that puts a smile on yourself. Also spend some time alone thinking about your life, what you want, what is important to you. I know your husband just wants to act like nothing happened and get back to life, but in order for that possibility to exist, you need some time to think, and regain that confidence that I know is inside of you, it has just been pushed down from years of feeling like what you have to say does not matter, and it does matter. Take Care!!

I thought I posted under this thread the other day but apparently sent you an email instead. I’ve been desperately waiting for a response but realize you must be overwhelmed with women, like me, trying to reach out to you. Thank you for everything you do here. Your ebook, btw, was fantastically put together!

I know every woman here feels like a fool for what our husbands did against us but I’m here to share with you all how I feel like the biggest FOOL of all times. Here’s my story! (dung dung – a little Law and Order humor)

My husband and I got married at 20 years old (together since 18). For the first 10 years of marriage (12 years together), my husband behaved very childish. Doing things that would make any woman leave. Hanging out at bars without me, strip clubs (lied about it), irresponsible with money, etc… The list (unfortunately) goes on and on…..

By year 12, we had three children and one on the way. A few months after finding out we were expecting our 4th child, my husband started behaving eratic, actually worse than what I was already used to. The bar scene seemed to become his new home. He would go to whatever bar directly from work and most times I wouldn’t see and/or hear from him until the wee hours of the morning. I was livid! I confronted him about his behavior and he couldn’t care less how he was making me feel. You know, “I’m just hanging out with the guys”, blah, blah, blah. I started to get very ill and my unborn child was taking a hit from all the stress I was feeling. I was having pain and what seemed like infection type symptoms. I also became diabetic. He didn’t seem to care. He never wanted to touch my belly when the baby moved nor did he care about my appointments.

One weekend, my husband wanted nothing more than to have sex over and over, like he couldn’t get enough of me. On Monday, he even cooked dinner for our little family. What I found out next when we went into our bedroom changed my life FOREVER. He actually said, “what would you say if I told you I was talking to someone else”? I don’t know why I reacted this way but I turned to him, said NO and started kissing him. He immediately backed away. One of my next questions was “are you having sex with her?” He said no, he could never do that to me. They were just new friends that talked because he felt we didn’t positively communicate with each other. I was pissed and said how do you expect us to communicate when you’re NEVER home? You’re constantly upsetting me so, of course we’re not “positively” communicating. Besides that, how does talking to someone else make OUR marriage better? YOU are the problem!

At this point, I struggled with his admission and questioned everything under the sun. I couldn’t get out of my head about the sex part. He was angry and mean and nasty towards me FOR NOTHING! He never behaved like that towards me before. My gut told me something more happened but I figured, what man confesses about an OW but lies about having sex with her. This is how I rationalized for the remainder of my pregnancy.

Two months after the birth of our child, my emotions went to the extremely angry side. I took all of my children and left. He begged me to come home and I refused unless he told me what I wanted to know. For starters, I wanted to know who this “person” was and I wanted to confront her. He gave me the information I wanted and I set up a meeting. The OW, in person, didn’t give me anything except when I asked her if she had sex with my husband, her eyes bugged out. I had to repeat the question and she said no. Deep down I knew she was lying. The next day I called her and lied that my husband told me the truth. She confirmed. I asked how many times were you two together. She paused and then said a few. She then said, “if its any consolation, IT wasn’t passionate”. Ok dumb ass, that makes me feel better!

Please note, I feel my husband betrayed me. The OW is just a worthless skank (older than me, btw) who was ok with sneaking around with a married man who had children and a pregnant wife. But to all you OW’s out there! You ARE 100% responsible for knowingly getting involved and making yourselves sexually available to a married man. You all, IMO, tend to deflect your responsibility in the ending chaos. Shame on you!! Enough about them.

These communications obviously started a whirlwind of emotions on both my and my husbands part. He denied PERFUSELY that they had sex a few times. He eventully said they left a bar together to continue drinking at the OW’s place (which is right down the street from us – he had to pass our street to get to her place). He said he was drunk off his ass and once there she touched his penis. He reacted and they started having protected sex (she supplied it). He was consumed with guilt, loss his erection and stopped. He told her he shouldn’t be there and had to get leave. After that night, which although I dont know the exact day, but I remember having a vision of him having sex with someone else (it broke my heart and I was crying when he got home), he came in the bedroom and was somehow different. For a few weeks after that he didn’t want to participate in family activities and would close himself off in a room until his admission a few weeks later.

Even though he eventually admitted to having sex (months had gone by) he took it back, saying I wouldn’t believe anything else so he “told me the only thing he thought I would accept”. Ladies, obviously this makes no sense but at that time, I couldn’t face reality.

Fast forward 14 YEARS! Yes, it’s been 14 years and like a fool, after several conversations off and on over the years, I forced myself to believe that he didn’t do it. He actually convinced me that he could NEVER do that to me because there was no reason to seek sex outside of our marriage because we had always been good in that area. In fact, the only area that things were good. Anyhoo, I continuously tried to force myself to believe him but I finally got to a mature place and realized he’s a LIAR. A few months ago I told him our marriage was over. He believed me. He took a few weeks to figure out what he should do but ultimately told me he did have sex with her. He told me the same story, drunk, started, consumed with guilt, couldn’t finish, left. I’m consumed with this. I was lied to for 14 years, why should I believe this IS the truth and what does it matter anyway (somehow it does). For 14 years his “guilt” allowed him to treat me like SHIT! He lied, deceived, addicted to porn (unbeknownst to me), called me disgusting names, etc… He even started fights with me quietly so when I responded to defend myself it made me look crazy and the bad one in the marriage to our kids. Again, I could go on and on.

He is SO remorseful now and actually hates himself for what he did to me and our family. He apologized that he treated me like garbage for 14 years and now realizes he tried to make himself less culpable for what he did against me, like somehow I deserved it or it was my fault. Even with his heart on the line and very raw with emotion, completely repentant, IT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I feel like I was duped and my decision to stay or leave was TAKEN from me. I feel trapped (financially) and I don’t know what to do. How do I forgive and move forward after not only being cheated on while I was pregnant with his child but then lied to for another 14 years about it? It’s like, now he’s “old” (and having man problems) that NOW he decides he wants a life with me? He claims he’s willing to do whatever it takes, and he has to some degree, but he still feels I’m preventing us from moving forward because I stay in my negative place. I know he’s right but he had 14 years to get over this. I technically had a few months. I haven’t really talked much about this and desperately need some logic in my life. Please Help! All comments are welcomed!

It’s a shame that our husbands lie like they do, it can literally drive you crazy. You are 7 and a half months crazy, there is no need to stress yourself out with this, you know in your heart something is not right, but your main priority now is the baby. There are little things that you can do to let him know that it’s not ok, for instance, asking him to wear a condom, if he can lie about texting girls, what else can he lie about? At the end of the day, you have to decide what is best, just use this time to reflect and observe, and once the baby comes, make sure he helps out and gives you breaks so that you can think about what you need to do, I wish you the peace of mind that you seek. Take Care.

I am so glad she told you, to experience this pain alone (many women do not tell anybody) is nothing short of horrible, so just know that without saying anything, you are doing enough by just being there and letting her cry.

Dealing with this and being pregnant and raising kids is really difficult, I had a tough time with it. Giving her a break from the kids would be a huge help, she needs to rest and eat, and I think giving her a break will make her understand she does have support. You are doing enough, just the fact that you found this site shows how much you care for her. I am confident with such a loving family she will get through this.