Yesterday, I was listening to the radio when a guy called in complaining that his wife is totally different now that she is pregnant. I almost felt like he was using her fussiness to make a good case for cheating. His big thing was ‘during the 1st pregnancy she did not act like this’.
OK. I must speak on this. Here are 4 things men must know about…Cheating While Pregnant….
1. Since you have never been pregnant, let me tell you something. Sometimes, you feel like shit, not for 1 day or 1 month, but during the pregnancy. My 1st pregnancy was pretty good. The second, I was depressed, didn’t even want to leave the house. At times like these, you really need your husband to be supportive, not go and cheat.
2. It is really selfish to cheat on your wife while she is pregnant. I remember not being able to sleep because my husband was not home and didn’t come home until 3am. I remember him not answering his phone, and me thinking, what if it was something wrong. You really feel unloved.
3. Men, don’t believe the TV hype that women are so horny when they are pregnant. Every woman is different. So telling your wife, come on, you should want to have sex all the time, doesn’t make you feel good.
4. If your wife finds out you cheated while she is pregnant, this is totally devastating. The woman is totally helpless and stuck, and to put your wife in this position while she is carrying your child is cowardly.
So, like I stated before, that excuse that she is ‘different’ while she is pregnant is lame. Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse, and if you can’t tough it out for 9 months, then why did you get married in the first place?
Ladies – Please, please know that Cheating Spouses are known for cheating when the female is pregnant. Yes, it is horrible, but unfortunately I read the statistic that it is the most common time that a man cheats…..
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{ 190 comments… read them below or add one }
It’s nice to know that I’m not all alone in this situation. I hurt for my baby and all the other women this has happened to.
Thank you Ashley for your comment. You are not alone, and I have faith that every women who goes through this experience will recover. Take care (of yourself and your little one).
I just went through the experience of catching my husband 3 days ago and I’m 7 months pregnant. This isnt the first time he’s cheated and I don’t know if I should stay with him. I can never trust him again.
Wow, I bawled reading this. I just found out my husband cheated TWICE when I was 8 months pregnant… it is now 9 months later, and I am having an extremely hard time getting over it. I think about it probably 16 out of the 24 hours in a day. He claims all he was thinking about was me when it happened, but that leaves me to question, then why twice? I hurt even more because I had a feeling it was happening, confronted him about, and he was willing to consider leaving me because I was ‘accusing’ and ‘not trusting him enough.’ Ouch. What you said is EXACTLY how I feel, and I want to thank you for reaching out.
Hello Stephanie,
A Cheating Husband can easily consume your every thought, it’s like a horrible addiction that you never signed up for. My husband played those games as well (trying to make me feel bad), he made me feel horrible for going out with friends, etc…only to find out that he was cheating. Are you in a position to go to therapy, either as a couple or alone? It might help you through your experience. At one point, you’re going to have to make that tough call as to whether you want to work towards healing the partnership or separate. I wish the best for you and your family. Take Care.
I have been with my now husband for almost nine years. We just got married this september. we do have a son who just turned three in december and I am 21 weeks pregnant with our daughter. All of this started to come out around xmas. MY husband was staying out until three or four in the morning a few nights a week and things just started to feel weird so one nigt while he was passed out I went through his phone didnt find anything until I went into deleted texts.There wer messages in there from a womn sayin tell your wife your working late calling him sexy and she would park hidden at his work to see him. Texts he sent his freinds sayig he was going to meet her. I confrontd him about the texts he would not confess. The only thing he said they did was kiss and flirt. I figured out who she was cause one day me and my son stopped y to see him at work she as thee and i just gt ths wierd feeling that was months before our wedding. SO he was pulling thi while i was plannng and working my butt off planning the wedding. o and the fact I am pregnant. I hate him!!! I waisted alot of years with him.
Hello Fed Up,
Finding out your husband cheated while you are pregnant is the worst feeling!! You can’t even get all the anger you want out because you are with child. And you have a 3 year old – my daughter was 2.5 at the time I found out, so I know the feeling. Children are very needy at that age so it is difficult to find time. I don’t know what it is that gives us this knowing or instinct, it’s really strange, I think our senses are even more acute while we are pregnant.
I can see from the text that you have a very shady OW, knowing that he is married and giving his ideas on lies to tell you, really?? Anyways, I can only tell you what I did in my situation during that time. I told my husband that I need him to be there to watch my daughter while I get through this. Once my son was born, I told him he needed to be home and help wit the kids, because I can’t deal with one toddler, a newborn, and a cheating husband. Eventually I had days where I could do what I want, and I needed that time to just think. Unfortunately, he was still seeing the OW and I didn’t know until 4 months later (I was crushed). Figure out what YOU need from him at this time (help with kids, money, time away), and don’t be shy, your really in a tough spot, and you might not know right now if your going to stay or leave, but for now it’s best to get your needs taken care of, it should be about you right now. Take care.
I just found out today my bf is cheating on me an im 6 months pregnant. Im devestaded because we have a daughter together and i feel so alone..any guy that cheats on his wife or gf are disgusting and selfish people. The time when you need them and thier support there off cheating on you…
Hello Elishma,
Sorry to hear about your situation. It is so tough to find out while your pregnant, like I said earlier, you can’t ever grieve the way you need to because you are with child. That is exactly how I felt, the time where I REALLY need you, the time that I need the most help and support from a physical, mental and spiritual standpoint, and you go cheat?? Really??
You’re not alone, there are women all over the world that are put in this traumatic dilemma. I know it feels very lonely because you don’t want to reach out to anyone for fear or embarrassment, anger, etc. The next few months will be challenging for you for many reasons. Make sure you eat and stay as healthy as possible, I wish the best for you and your family, keep in touch.
-Jewels
Thing is.. I dont understand the women that sleep with men like that. My ex was telling me how she knows about me an my condition… What kind of sick person would sleep with a man that has family an a child on the way?? What kind of woman are you?? Doesnt your consience bother you?? What if it was you in my shoes?? It makes me sick everytime i think about it..that there are woman out there like this…
Many times the OW tells themselves these stories just to make themselves feel ok with the situation. My OW told me that she didn’t think it was his baby. Really? We live together and I’m married, whose baby did you think it was?? They hear what they want to hear. Many times they are desperate, it’s just a shame all the way around.
i caught my husband cheating, happened when i was 6 month pregnant, married for only 1 year, we already have a 2 yr old. found these messages on fbk, saying he missed her and then a final one him making an end to it on the day of my baby shower saying ”i will always think good thoughts of you, no one can ever take away what we shared” i thought that was bad… they had some kind of emotional relationship, but then i confronted him he admitted they kissed once. he said she was upset about her dad being ill and he was telling her of his dad’s death and they kissed, he says just once (he says nothing else happened, but to me just as bad as sleeping with each other as sure they wanted to, plus who knows i dont believe a word he says now probably did. He had been out of the house partying for 4 days and nights with group of visiting friends, she and her boyfriend were part of the group and then they all left and flew back to hawaii so i know it was an isolated chance he only did it that once, the one night she partied with without her boyfriend, but he continued it via email for 2 months after. I knew has he was so distant and it all adds up now, I was suspicious as he never includes me when he hangs out with friends, so i looked and found it, he would never admitted it otherwise. he is desperate and begging me, crying on his hands and knees (personally i dont think he loves me he is just scared of loosing his kids because I’m from england and am going home to visit in a week and don’t right now want to return to the usa. so i have no family or friends to turn to here, but i cant bare to look at him,its not just the kisses, their conversations he had deleted and his thoughts for her, i saw in his history he is looking at her pictures on fbk every week still. its unforgivable, i feel trapped. and so sad so humiliated so disappointed in the man i gave literally gave everything up for, what a fool i have been. he says he admits he has been a selfish husband and father and wants to change and work back my trust suggested counseling and will earn my trust back and make me fall in love with him all over again and never give up, but i keep seeing them in my head im just not sure i can get passed this, i was pregnant. i knew they suited each other, she reminds me of me when we first met but im a mother now, i knew, we have been weird since then, i feel like he has been a stranger a different person to the man who adored me 3 yrs ago. what to do, i know he loves his kids so much and them him…
Hello, sorry to hear about your situation. We sacrifice our lives in a sense for our husbands. When you get pregnant, you expect your husband to be there, you don’t even think of doing it alone. Especially for you, with no family and friends in the USA, I totally understand how you feel trapped. My family is in another state, and felt trapped as well, so mad that he put me in this situation. The first thing I would do is make sure he is doing his father duties. He should be giving you breaks so that you can have time to yourself, run errands, etc. Having a new baby and dealing with a cheating husband is already emotionally draining to say the least, if he wants this to work, he should be helping you with your little one anytime you ask, you need the time to think. Second, you’re right, he is scared scared of losing his rock (which is you), he is scared of not being with his kids, he is scared of being considered a failure to the family (especially yours), he is scared he is going to lose his pride in a man, which comes from taking care of his family.
The good thing is you don’t have to take any major action just yet until. Take your time (and make sure your husband gives you time) to think about this. Especially now that you have a child, your decision should take longer. Whatever you decide to do will be the right thing for you. Take care.
after a few days following my last message above: Thanks for your support i need it, i have taken the advice and it has given me some joy that he is devoting him self to his children which he never did before. However Im even more devastated, as details emerged from lots of creative thinking on my part, he has now admitted they kissed he told her he had a son and he had other baby on the way, but he wasn’t with me anymore, so he was single – total horror. Then once they kissed at a bar, her and her girlfriend went back to their hotel, he followed in his car drove many many miles (he stopped to buy condoms) to then got to her hotel (plenty of time to realize the wrong in his actions but continued). they went to her room alone to have sex. He then partied some more they were doing coke together, then came home. He then had email relationship which they flirted and he asked ”if she thought they had a connection?” ”it was nice to have someone to relate to with their common interest music” she said her boyfriend beat her and he was furious and said she should leave him, as he would never do that to her, telling her she is beautiful. He told her he felt guilty , but he just had to go with his feelings, he asked her lots ”when she was returning so they could hang out”. ”he wanted to be with her again”, he ended it saying ”no more bullshit, i will always think good thoughts of you, no one can ever take away what we shared that night, we have a lot in common and in another lifetime we would be together, but i feel guilty, you obviously love your boyfriend though u shouldn’t, i hope everything works out for you. remember the world is at your finger tips” I know all this, as I had to scream at him to write it all down, as he deleted all their emails. I thought if i reassured him i will never deprive my children of their father therefore he would then be left to prove if her really was scared to lose me or just the kids, with this reassurance he is now much calmer and not doing the extra effort he has been last few days (breakfast in bed etc), which i think means… had she wanted to leave her boyfriend, he would have chosen her over me, or continued the affair behind my back as she proposed they go on tour together (just when our baby was due, he was planning to do it, but got cancelled), but i think he realised what is the point of him risking his kids for a girl that clearly loves her man despite the beatings. What shall i do, i was 6 months pregnant with 2 year old, how could he disrespect me again and again, he never even took me home from hospital when i had the baby i had to get a lift from a friend and he left to travel to the other side of the world 2 weeks after our child was born for 2 weeks. with no guilt. he has clearly no respect for me, i think i would be disrespecting myself to get back with him, i dont even recognise him. He has cried and cried, says he loves me and wants me back and he thinks he needs professional help, he was wanting to be another person, and got caught up in the glamour of the music industry which they are both singers for different bands, and she was wild and fun, and I was the reality of normal family life sitting at home, every time he returned home i was there he took me for granted, he lead a double life, and pretended i didn’t exist, he didn’t wear his wedding ring until this all came out, as he said it was too big and was scared of loosing it, he could of fixed so he could ware it, he is a liar, Should i even consider taking him back one day – this is not just one mistake he wanted her and pretended i didn’t exist…? I wondered why i felt invisible.
Should you consider taking him back? My personal opinion is no. There are too many disrespectful things at play, and i have a feeling you will lead a stressful life with him. The reason why I say no is because he has done some pretty hurtful and disrespectful things. Couldn’t give you a lift while you were in labor and left for two weeks with no guilt? Lied about wearing his wedding ring? I know of women who left their men after the baby was born and found someone that loved them and the baby, and it wasn’t even their child. My point is that there is better out there for you than this. There are men that actually like the norm. He wanted to have the nice family life and the wild life and that doesn’t work. He made a terrible mistake, and he has probably realized that, but there are consequences. If he really wants to be there for you, make sure he takes responsibility for his child and gives you breaks as a mother, you need it for your own sanity during this stressful time. I think you both need some time alone, but for you especially, make sure you have a support system to help with your child, it’s so hard to take care of someone else when your drained. If you decide to stay or go, I am here for you either way. I hope the best for you.
Jewels
Please dont take him back. No. Don’t take him back.are u kidding me!! He wasn’t there for u an the baby! An once a cheater? Always a cheater!
I am 5 months pregnant and caught my husband cheating on me less than a month ago. He claims the thought of losing me and the baby scared him straight, that he loves me and will never do anything to hurt me again. In fact, he just left for work crying still saying he was sorry… I personally still love him, but I am still so disgusted and confused as to why it happened. I look at myself and see myself getting bigger and bigger everyday and I feel less and less attractive. To know he was going and doing this to me makes me feel inadaquet, I dont want him to look at me naked anymore. I have dreams about it every night, it’s literally torturing me. The girl knew I was pregnant and didn’t give a damn. I think about her and her un-pregnant beautiful body that my husband was so attracted to and have the hardest time feeling good about myself anymore. I am only 19, and we have been married for almost 4 months. I don’t want to raise my baby with someone who is capable of putting our family through this kind of hurt. But I can’t do this alone. He says he loves me and I want to believe him, but can he really love me and have been able to put me through this? I am so alone and hurt. I feel for any woman who has ever been put through this kind of thing, because lord knows we didn’t deserve it. Even while I was pregnant I was still having sex with him every single day, telling him I loved him. Doing sweet things for him. But it wasn’t enough. Nothing can make me feel excited about this family now. I’m scared for my baby’s and my own future.
Hello Katie,
I can tell that your in a great deal of pain and confusion. You are very young to be experiencing such a traumatic event. You literally are experiencing a recent marriage, pregnancy, and a cheating husband – all within the same year. I want to first tell you trust me when I say that life will get better. There are many women who are married for years that say by far the cheating has been one of the most traumatic life situations for them. So I don’t want you for a moment to think that life is going to be this hard, it’s not, the cheating husband it what is hard.
I know you don’t think highly of yourself, but you have something going for you that you are overlooking. Something that many women wish they had at the time that they found out about cheating, and that is your youth. Imagine finding out that your husband did this to you when you were 45, and you feel like you gave your ‘good years’ to a man that has betrayed you?? Neither situation is good, but because you are so young, you should feel that your best years are yet to come – and they are.
Now I am not aware of your total situation, but ultimately you have some time to figure this out, and there is no rush, most women don’t make these decisions quickly. I would focus now on forcing yourself to eat and stay healthy for the baby, which can be hard when you hear your husband has cheated. If he is really sorry, then he should understand that to protect you and the baby, he should wear a condom. Your health is the number one priority right now.
As far as your looks, we all take a huge self-esteem hit after the affair, but remember your advantage – YOUR YOUNG!! If things don’t work out, 2 years from now you will be 21, have your shape back and things will be fine. I know PLENTY of women that had children when they were young, didn’t work out with the father and now they are happily married with someone else. So don’t think just because you have a kid and a cheating husband that you have to be stuck. You have a wonderful life waiting for you. And your extra special because your experiencing life at such a young age, you don’t realize this, but later down the line, you are going to be a blessing for so many of your friends and family as you help them with tough situations. Do you have a good support system? Does anyone know besides you? Please keep in touch, I will be wishing positive thoughts for you.
I am 8 months pregnant and this is my first child, I just found out this past monday that my bf for 5 years has been cheating on me for a month now. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a month ago, she had major surgery a month ago and was set to start chemo this wednesday…chemo for life they told us because the kind of cancer she has will never fully leave her body…My bf and I had arrived at her place and when we were getting out of the car he got a text msg (answering a txt from him that apparently he had sent while we were buying diapers for the baby and stuff we needed to get ready)he denied it at first saying it must’ve been a wrong number case, but I knew better, he isn’t a good liar but seems he is good at keeping appereances. He finally confesed and when I got to my mom’s door I burst into tears…it’s caused her a lot of pain that she doesn’t need right now. He has cheated before in the first months of our relationship but he was 19 (I’m 2 years older) and he had gone on a summer exchange to France, and things were different back then, I was horribly hurt still cause even though it was the beginning he was really amazing and we were in love. He has always been amazing, all over me all the time, caring, takes such good care of me when I’m sick in such a way, everyone always admired that, he is so patient with my mood swings specially now that I’m pregnant. My mom loved him as her own son, me, I admired him so much, I felt so lucky to have such a good man by my side. The relationship hadn’t change, he was still all over me always, making me feel so good even though we weren’t having sex cause I been feeling a lot of pain ever since the 3rd month pretty much. He was a bit frustrated but he was kind and seemed understanding. And then when I found out about my mom’s condition I was devastated and he was being extremely supportive to me and to her! But then he was cheating for a whole month, I spoke with the B!@#$ and she said it wasn’t serious, they weren’t seeing each other “like that”, she has a son! and a bf! She confirmed what he said, that they’d only had sex 2 times, since I know his schedule and he works 2 minutes from our house, he could only spare 30 min to an hour 2 days when he suddenly had to go early to work. But anyways it could’ve been more, it’s been a month since he got a promotion at work and his schedule was changed. The B!@#$ knows I’m pregnant, she’s from work, and everyone knows I’m pregnant he has even taken the sonogram pics to work. They both didn’t care. He says trying to make things better but only making it worse, that he was lonely and horny and that he didn’t care about her just liked the attention. He even made it worse by saying he planned to stop it b4 the baby was born. He says he loves me like crazy still but that that didn’t stop him. He says sorry all the time, that he didn’t want to hurt me. I don’t feel like living anymore, bcause the love in this relationship was very strong, we’ve always been very passionate about each other, which is y I never suspected anything. And I don’t know what to feel for this baby right now, it was our baby not my baby only, and we were so happy about it, we couldn’t get pregnant at first…right now I have no one to talk to or a shoulder to cry on since my mom is to sick to handle this she doesn’t need the load and my sister is working and taking care of mom and her husband, cause I can’t be around my mom when she is taking chemo…my sister can’t handle more weight on her shoulders, and we’ve only moved here for a year so there aren’t serious friends, and besides everyone admired our relationship so much…I don’t know what to do, wether to stay with him and give him another chance or stay with him while I get back on my feet (if ever) cause i wont have $ or stability for the baby, my mom is not working obviously and my sister is taking care of all of my mom’s expenses. I really would like to be able to end it, the pain is to horrible, how could he hurt me like this, he was my best friend and even though my mom was sick I felt things were gonna be alright cause he was there with me, his love made me strong enough for anything and now I got nothing but sadness around me and I’m in so much pain i feel horrible that the baby has to feel his mommy angry and miserable, the baby has to hear me scream in rage bcause that’s how sometimes i get, I start screaming at him in rage and I feel the baby kicking so fast like scared… I dont know what to do…
I’m sorry, I know I already wrote too much but one thing thats on my head also, so many things, is that we have been engaged for 2 years now cause we wanted to save for a big wedding but now we were gonna settle for just do it with the judge since we, well loved each other and thats what mattered, and we thought we should get it done fast since now we had the baby…Also my dad and grandparents are comin in a months for the delivery and pretty much throws us a late baby shower…I don’t know what to do when they come…
Hello Cessy,
Sorry to hear about your situation, you have alot going on, hopefully I can help. First thing is first – the comment about you don’t want to live anymore because the love was so strong. Believe me when I tell you, life is not like this, things will get better. TRUST ME. Your child needs to see your smiling face. You are so young, you have so many FUN days ahead of you, you can’t see it now because of your situation, but please believe you have many more girls nights out and partying to do. You have something going for you that many women wish they had – and that is youth. Things don’t happen unless you can handle them, and the fact that your going through so much at such a young age, just tells me that your have great days ahead of you, seriously. Having a child is going to be tough, but there are hundreds of people that have a bad marriage with a child, get out of it, and marry the man of their dreams (I can tell you 3 people I know right now just like that). It happens all the time. There is so much hope for you – the future is bright.
Now that you’re in a better mental state (smile) let’s talk about your finance. I know this might hurt but it’s the truth – you can and will do much better. This is the second time, it’s time to let him go, and here is why. If he did it twice, he is going to do it again. He is going to seem so sorry for what he did (and he may be), but you are too young, too beautiful, and like I said, you have a life to live, you can’t be worried about STD’s and other stuff. There is so much better out there, I am very confident you will find someone out there that will be as loving and even more.
What should you do now?? I don’t recommend you leave just yet, you’re not really to do that emotionally. You are 8 months pregnant. You said he is loving and helps out so much, right?? USE that to make sure you are catered to – you need support during this last stretch and when the baby is born. Have him help as much as he can – seriously. BUT in the back of your mind, you have to stay strong and know that this arrangement might be temporary. When the baby comes, tell him because of the emotional stress of the affair, you need some time alone so you can breathe and think – if he is as nice as he says, he will do this (it could be once or twice a week me day where you get a break from the baby). Use this time to relax and get yourself together. There is nothing wrong with leveraging your fiance until you get to a better mental and emotional state. You can say whatever you want to him in order to make sure he supports you for now, your going to need it. As he is helping, start to think how you are going to manage without him, or manage with his support. You don’t have to tell him your intention, helping you to the fullest is the least he can do. This is called the recovery stage, its where you think about getting yourself together and the next steps. Right now your in the devastation stage, where everything is a big angry/depressing blur.
As far as your mom, I am sorry to hear she has stage 4 cancer. I know you didn’t want to put this on her but you couldn’t help but burst out in tears, it’s too painful to hold in. I understand your concern about putting this on your mom and sister, yet at the same time, if you hold this all in, it’s really unhealthy for you. If you don’t feel comfortable reaching out to any of your friends, please use this blog to express your feelings, writing really helps and you will always get a response from me. I personally feel that you can help your mom by showing her that you might not know how, but your going to make it through this and you know their are brighter days that might with with your fiance or without him. Her knowing that you will get through this will be a blessing for her. Again, if your fiance can watch his child while you visit your mom or sister. Great.
You don’t have to tell the world at this point, I know that everyone thought you guys were the ‘couple’. When family comes in town, no need to tell them all of the drama (unless you want to or feel comfortable), they are their to see the baby (no offense). When they come, get as MUCH rest as you can, infants can take up your energy. The focus right now is on the you and the baby, and having help so that you can get enough strength to get through these situations.
I was 8 months pregnant when I found out about my husband cheating, and I was so devastated, I literally had to force myself to eat because I was carrying a child. I was scarred to death of the concept of raising 2 kids – without my husband at my side. But I have to tell you, 2 years later, I am stronger, and more confident than ever before. Great things are in store for me, and I have learned so much about myself. You will get there as well. I really wish the best for you, alot is going on, and I know it’s hard, but I have total faith that you will get through this. Best of luck, please reach out to me anytime! Take Care….
Two last things #1. If you end up having sex with him again – use protection – please!!
#2. If you have insurance, go to your doctor, tell them your situation and how you really feel, and ask to see a therapist. They can be a confidential person that you can talk with. I think that will really help.
Its by far the worst feeling ever .. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone not even my worst enemy.. Well Ive been a
Stay at home mom / wife for over a year now . And when I was pregnant with our second baby he left me, the first
Time , but it was.different than , this time he left me for someone else .. Someone who has three kids all under.the
Age of 5 , he’s the definition of abandoned !!! He had left me with nothing but bills and heartache.. Oh did I mention
I use to hang out with this girl.. I still to this don’t get it .. Why would you abandon your family to go and takes care of another
.. I think it had to do with drugs..I’m not even kidding . Since he’s left I’ve had my lights cut off , I’ve had my landlord
hreaten me with eviction.. Its been a horror ride . Hes not helping me with anything .oh did I mention I’m five months pregnant.. Yup .. Its been about six weeks now . And I’m getting through.it cause of God and great family support..
Hello Jessica,
Sorry to hear about your situation. If he is using drugs then maybe the other girl is an enabler and your not. I know this might sound harsh, but it might be for the better that he is off with someone else, especially using drugs. Drugs and kids don’t mix. I am so glad you have family support. Your landlord can threaten all he wants, until you see legal documentation of an eviction. I would stay in the apartment, and prepare to move. But I really would read up on the eviction process in your state, so that you know what to expect, and what’s to come so you can make your own decision. Make sure you have a plan for when you do move if that is a possibility. Your plan could be moving in with family. My sister in law just moved her 4 kids into a two bedroom apartment with her mom. When you have to make it work, you make it work. Those kids are alive, breathing, and eating well, who cares if they don’t have their own room. The financial burden/aftermath from after the affair on women is painful, I can really relate to your situation, as I saw my finances fall apart. But I am in a better place now, there really is hope, and everything happens for a reason. Best of luck to you and Happy Mother’s Day!!
Hi, I am 28 and a mother of 2. I am pregnant w/ our 3rd.and have been married 8 yrs. I am 3/ almost 4 months preg. Anyhow, my husband has not wanted to really have sex w/ me very much, since he found out I was preg. Idk if its a man thing or what, but he’s a owner operator truck driver, and is gone 5 days a wk, so I have no one…and on the wknds I like to have sex. But he can’t stay hard…y??? He says he doesn’t know, and that he isn’t cheating…so what do u think it could be? It makes me cry, since he isn’t effectionate to me…He has cheated on me b4, about 2 yrs ago. And since we have worked things out, and he promised to never do it again…so I’m hopeing that its nothing major, would just like someone to talk to about this…thanx.
Hello Ashley,
Welcome to the site. As far as your situation, it’s a little complicated. Anytime I talk to a woman whose husband has cheated in the past, I always advise to love him as your husband, but if you stay together, to live your life so that if you were to ever find out that he cheated again, you should already think about your exit strategy from the marriage.
Your situation is complicated because he is gone 5 days a week, he is not getting hard, he cheated in the past, and he is not being affectionate which is probably bringing up ‘triggers’ ( which are reminder’s of the affair previously) for you.
Try to talk to your husband about the sex, I know it’s probably difficult to talk about, but you need to understand what’s going on. And he should understand how him not being affectionate is making you feel. I can easily understand why you might suspect cheating. But at the same time, you can’t stress over something that you don’t know, it’s no good for you, the baby or the kids. Just keep the faith that if something is/isn’t going on, that you will be given a sign that will validate your thoughts either way. Lastly, hats off to you for raising your kids alone during the week, especially with one on the way, that sounds like a tough schedule. Take care and I hope everything works out for the best.
Hi, I am four months pregnant and i have basically been hiding my head in the sand for the last 2 years. my husband of 9 months has been having affair after affair. however i should feel lucky that right now he is just doing it over the phone or sexting as some people call it. he is on ridiculous website and what not and thats where he talks dirty to these girls. he may not be physically having sex but he talks to theses girls right under my nose while im making dinner or sitting right next to him on the couch… I HAVE no idea what to do . and before this was happening he had a girl on the side whom he had never met and they were basically best friends with benifits again with just the sexting. he finally ended that with her but he told me all the time he loved her… he didnt stop talking to her because he felt guilty or cuz he loved me but so she could move on with her life. i currently write this as my husband is talking to another girl in my house with me in the next room. i honestly have no idea what to do . i moved states to be with him my family is thousands of miles away i have nothing if i leave i am unemployed stay at home mom… please just some advice this is my first baby and im scared
Hello Hurting…..
Let me first tell you that from the bottom of my heart that you deserve better, you really do. No one should treat their wife like this. I understand that you feel trapped, and it seems like you want to leave but just don’t know where to start, especially being pregnant. How good of a father is he? Does he watch the kids? Does he give you ‘me’ time, this is very important in determining your next steps. For right now, I wouldn’t advise you to up and leave because of the stress involved with that. BUT what I would advise is that you start to slowly but surely focus more on what you are doing, versus what he is going. If he is talking to some girl on the phone, maybe you go watch your favorite comedy show to get your mind off of it. Try to divert your attention away from him. Start to think of him as an associate, because that is how he is treating you. (has he every been physically abusive?).
I am a firm believer in that what you focus on grows. I know you feel stuck, but start to feel that you will be in a position to leave this marriage and live in a stable environment. Even if you don’t believe it, tell yourself that everyday for the next couple of weeks and your eye will slowly but surely start to spot ways that you might be able to leave. Again, you deserve better, and even with kids you can find a man that will treat you right. Best of luck!!
Hello,
Reading all these comments really made me sad for everyone. My pregnant friend Stacey’s husband cheated on her and I felt so sorry for her. Then he moved her away from her family & friends across the country so she is totally alone. They moved from Oregon to Georgia. She pretends everything is ok but I know its not. He is really a loser(past jail history, stealing, no job)! She has to have a job even while pregnant just to pay the bills, and he spends her money on useless things. Also she is pregnant again..so this only leaves me to believe that he will cheat on her again! Any advice to give her? She tries to hide the fact that he cheated on her the first time she was pregnant..but everyone knew. We told her to leave him cause she deserves better..but she didn’t listen.
Thanks!
Hello Allison,
Thanks for your concern about your friend. You mention that she pretends that everything is ok, which leads me to believe any type of advice might not be listened to – at this time. I would just be there for her, listen to her, even if you are not happy that she is being treated this way. Because typically what happens is that something will happen that will really open her eyes to the relationship, and since you have been such an open and warm friend, she might come to you. If she does come to you concerning cheating, you can give her my email address jewels@acheatinghusband.com to contact me or share the site link, because getting support from someone that has been in her shoes is important. I know you want to help her now, but the best thing you can do is be a good listening friend, because she can’t see what you see right now, even if you tell her.
Hi, I have read all your stories and seen the support,Mitsubishi nice to know I’m not alone. Only last night I discovered my boyfriend has been messaging, exchanging numbers and meeting with a girl in the past week. I am 5 months pregnant, but our situation is not ordinary….we lived abroad for the beginning of the pregnancy due to his job, and now he is looking for the same work elsewhere, it could literally be anywhere. For the past three months I have lived at home with my parents and he has travelled and been back in his country to see family. We have seen each other only three weeks in over three months, and he knows how hard I’m finding everything, I suffer with anxiety and at times feel like I can’t cope. Everything in my life is so uncertain and now to know he has cheated on me while I am carrying his baby (which he has always said he wanted) is devastating. I don’t know which way to turn, 24 hours ago the only thought keeping me positive is knowing that in the next few weeks we will be together for good and be able to live as a little family. I don’t know what to do….
Hi
I have been married for 6 years next month. For the past 3 months my husband has been acting very strange I have confronted him many time and he has just put it down to the stress of running his business until 1 month ago I made him swear he wasnt having an affiar and he couldnt. He then left and I found emials for his employee dating back over the months. The awful thing is I know the woman who worked him and he has moved in with her and her children playing happy families whilst he has completely devestated my life and our unborn son due next month. How can people treat others like this?? All I think about are him and her. I see them all the time as they live in the next village him dropping her child off at school. It’s just awful. Any advice on how you get through this?
Hello Jennifer, sorry to hear about your situation. It is tough to deal with the while pregnant, but remember the universe never gives us things that we can’t handle. You are stronger than you think, much stronger. And you have support, much more than you think, your parents are there for you. While you are pregnant your hormones are going crazy, so to top it off with cheating, you’re in overdrive. First thing is make sure you continue to eat and get rest. I had a hard time doing both things after I found out, I literally had to force myself to eat because I lost my appetite. Second, it seems like there will be a period of time where you will be together for a couple of weeks. If you plan to stay with him, try to get a feel for where he is at, is he really sorry for his actions, or doesn’t really care? Is he going to continue to travel after the baby is born? At the end of the day, you have to do what is best for you and your child. Don’t stress right now over should you break up or not, it’s too early to make that call, you have a baby on the way, which changes things, you have to be a little more thoughtful about the decision. If you decide to break up, no big deal – I personally know several women that had babies, broke up with the boyfriend, moved on, met a wonderful man and got married, so please don’t think your life is doomed because of this, you can get through this, and once you do, life is going to open up for you. Best of luck to you.
Kirsti, I ask myself the same question – How can people treat others like this? Here is the thing about your husband and the other woman – they can be lovey dovey all they want, things typically do not work out with the other woman. In time, everything will come to light, heck, he might even try to come crawling back to you, by that time it’s too late. In all honesty, for him to treat you this way, you don’t need to be with someone like that, you deserve much better, so when they are together, think it of it as her helping you to see his true colors, because that is exactly what she did. Revenge is not your job, they will have there own life issues to deal with. For you personally, start to think about your support system, people that can help you when the baby arrives. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, and lastly, if there is a way to avoid that route of seeing them together, do it, that is not a good image for you to see at this time, especially with a beautiful son on the way. Take Care.
Ladies you are not alone. I’ve been there and I’m still dealing with the hurt. My husband is in the military and he got “caught up” when I checked our phone records after having a hunch. He had been texting one of his coworkers from basic training while I was in the hospital on bedrest at 28 weeks because I was having a complicated pregnancy. He has never admitted anything to me, and the army has since put us through marriage counseling, but I’m the type of woman that will not get past such mistrust. Time has passed and my son is almost 7 months old, and it doesn’t get better at all in my case. It sucks knowing you don’t have someone behind you when times really get rough. Hang in there ladies.
Hello Rhonda, welcome to the site. The fact that he has not admitted anything when you know what happened can leave many wounds open for you. It’s so hard to raise a child right after finding out, but you have done it, and your son is 7 months old, good for you!! It seems like marriage counseling has not helped, I would assume that through those sessions he would open up and be honest. If he can’t be honest and at least admit what you saw with your own eyes, the hurt will still feel fresh. I know it hurts knowing that he did this at your time of needing support the most. Start to think about creating a strong support system around you of family and friends, your support network is going to be invaluable to you in the coming months. I wish the best for you.
Hi There, I was trying to find a forum where I could get some perspective on how I am feeling, hoping for your advice ladies.
I am currently 29 weeks pregnant and living with my boyfriend. This is my first baby but he has 3 children from another marriage.
The last 7 weeks have really opened my eyes to some different behaviour. Here is a list of things I have noticed:
1) Had to go into work late at night came home at 3am
2) 2 Work outings which he claimed were with work people, again never would answer his phone and said it “died” showed up home at 3 am.
3) Found viagra in his work briefcase
4) Found another girls number in his my 5 list on his cell phone
5) Found a text message between the same girl nothing racy but he does comment on her being an amazing kisser.
I made the mistake of presenting each thing to him individually and he denies it all, says they used to work together and talked for one day. Says he only wants and loves me and would never jeopardize our relationship. Am i being naive? Could someone who loves me so much hurt me this badly really?
He and I spend all our free time together (with the exception of a few outings hes had) i never see him texting or calling or anything on his phone, he doesnt get defensive and says he has nothing to hide. So why do I still feel this way in my gut?
The only way he will admit it is if I actually catch him in the act, I told him i would follow him and catch him if it continued, do you think that would scare him or just make him sneakier? Who knows what he does during the day.
Help
Hello,
As you can see, this is not a site where I tell women the verdict of ‘Yes he is a cheater’. That is for you to decide…BUT if it was me, those are some pretty strong signs there, you actually have 6 signs, the last one being your gut. If I were you, I would not obsess over finding out, you have a child on the way. BUT I would start focusing on an exit strategy should you need it. Let’s say he is cheating, do you have some money saved up? Do you have family close by? Because the signs are so strong, it’s important for you to prepare yourself just in case. This may be nothing at all, or it may be something serious, better to be prepared for both situations than to find out, be devastated, and feel stuck because you never thought that it would happen to you. Best of luck, if you find out for sure, let us know.
Hi! im on my 35th week of pregnancy and even that i hate to admit it, i just found out that my husband is flirting and cheating online. we’ve been together for 2 years and and married for 3 months. I never thought at all the things that i’ve found out on his messenger. He’ve chatted bitches and exchanging sex thoughts and would even do it online cam to cam. I also found out a chat conversation yesterday from his list with a girl telling to her that he wanted to meet with her again because she misses, like her all along and wanted to kiss her again, and the girl agreed to him and will see and drink with him once she visits the city. They’ve been exchanging sweet thoughts and even updates their contact infos even though the girl knew that ill be having my delivery soon. These things breaks my heart. He have done flirting online months ago and he explained that it was just nothing and i ended up forgiving him. Now i am confused what to do. I feel unworthy of this. I hate him but i cannot tell him what i’ve found out because he will just tell me that i didnt trust her and i am interfering his privacy since i opened his email. I feel helpless. Don’t know how to confront him. I need help.
Hello Aux,
A couple of things, know that what you saw is traumatic. Anytime a wife sees their husband through text as a lying scandalous cheater, it can really affect you mentally. Especially since you saw a little bit of this before and forgave him, i sense a little bit of ‘I am mad I was the fool’ in your post. Don’t feel like that, my husband cheated on me twice (the first time I forgave him), and finding out the second time was totally devastating. But as long as you learn from it, don’t beat yourself up. Now you mention that you can not tell him because you are going to interfere with his privacy?? That is something that men do as a cop out, don’t think about it like that. For instance, prior to the cheating, I checked his email account and saw him interacting with many women as ‘friends’ on facebook, sometimes telling them they were beautiful, ect. (but not anything sexual and hooking up), when i confronted him, he was like why are you in my business, I wanted you to see that, blah blah blah. I took it personal at the time, but now I realize that those words was just a tactic to get the subject off of the fact that he is talking to women – that’s all that it, a tactic that men use, it’s in the handbook. So it’s not a reason to not bring it up, just know that is just what they do. They also deny unless absolutely proven, it’s just what they do. And it is totally frustrating at times.
If you decide to bring it up, you don’t have to tell him how ect. You can just tell him that you are aware that he is interacting with women online in an appropriate manner. Now, he knows within himself what he has done, but he is probably going to deny and lie. At that point, no need to argue with him, especially since you are pregnant. A couple of days later, bring it up again, see if he confesses. He needs to admit it for you to have a shot are making it work. If he doesn’t admit it, then tell him that you are disappointed that he is not telling the truth, and that you think that both of you should go through counseling. You are slowly giving him opportunities, so if it doesn’t work out, you can say you tried to get him to open up. If he does, then see what happens. I typically say to women if he cheats twice – run. Since it didn’t appear that he cheating during the first time you saw his online behavior, I wouldn’t run, but just watch. You are going to tell real soon if he is committed or not.
Lastly, if you need to leave, it’s ok. Your focus is going to be on the baby for a while, and just because you decide to leave, doesn’t mean you need to pack up that moment. You are going to need some time to process and get use to a baby before you leave, so know that you don’t have to take on a new child, your husband’s online stuff, ect at that same time. What I wrote is just my opinion, it’s ultimately up to you. Just pace yourself and do what works for you.
hello,
I just found out that my husband of 11 years has cheated on me multiple times, the first time was after a year on marriage, the second time was when I was pregnant, with my first daughter, that lasted for 3 and a half years, he had a “relationship” with this other woman, I went on to have 2 more children all the while he was with this woman, I had no idea. While I was busy starting a family, he was busy with her, they worked togerher so they got together right after work in a stairwell! This relationship ended 3 years ago. Then last year he went on a business trip and had a one night stand with someone. He confessed everything to me because I cheated on his 6 months ago and he wanted to get me back, by hurting me. My fling was nothing like his, mine was 1 time with an exboyfriend. but im devasted by his multiple cheating and the fact that he had a girlfriend the whole time I was making babies. He says he loves me and he wants to work it out, but i don’t trust him and i’m very hurt. Please help
Hello, welcome to the site. Cheating hurts no matter what the situation, but I do agree there is a difference between a ‘one night stand’ and a full out long-term relationship with someone else. Even though its still wrong, I can put together how you might get mad, get drunk, and do something you are not suppose to. But a 3 year relationship takes much more than anger and a drink, it takes purposely deciding to lie constantly to your partner, constant sex with another person, and that is why you are having a hard time with it. You probably feel that most of the relationship was a lie. Don’t feel bad for not knowing, you trusted him, an HE took advantage of that.
Now it’s time to try and pick up the pieces. You and your husband have to sit down and determine next steps. If you can do that, you are heading in the right direction. Within yourself, you need time to sift through the information and determine if you still want to be with him. And if you need time to do that, let him know. What he told you was traumatic in that most of your marriage had betrayal, you need some time to understand that. Have him watch the kids some afternoons so you can take a walk, get away from the house and just think. You might even want to consider talking to a therapist (just you) if you are in a position to do so. I just sense you very emotionally hurt and confused and just need to talk this through in a confidential setting. I wish you the best, I know it’s tough news, especially having kids, I hope that whatever turns out is best for you and your family.
Hello ladies, I will let you know something that I had to do and it was well worth the money. If your gut is telling you something follow through on it. I did by installing a WebWatcher program on his computer and my kids. It works great! I found out his passwords and it records everything! It even takes pictures of the sites he visits and records keystrokes. I am using it as evidence if I file for divorce to proof to him that he messed with the wrong lady! He can’t get out of his lies anymore. What is more embrassing to him is I let his guy friends know what he has done! His two closest friends were shocked to say the least and they wondered why he has disapeared off of FB and won’t text him back. I wont lie for him and tell them different. I know it sounds mean but after 4 years of pain and humilation it’s his turn. Get a computer watcher program they don’t cost that much money.
Smart, now you have evidence for divorce. Thanks for sharing Lisa.
My bf has cheated on me several times. Each time I forgave him because it was “online” and he never had anything physical with them. This last time I’m SO confused. I’m 8 months along and I just feel, like mentioned previously, STUCK. I can’t even take revenge if I wanted. I know he’s done it before. Maybe he’ll do it again. And I love him so much… Do I listen to my head? It’s telling me to take what’s left of my heart and RUN in the opposite direction. Or do I forgive him? Work through it and find a solution? Am I stupid for wanting to save the relationship? Am I an idiot for leaving and giving up? This is one of those times I wish someone could just TELL me what to do. I can’t even talk to my friends or family about it. They’ve all seen me forgive him once… and what will they think if I do it again? I have another son from a previous relationship. My son ADORES my bf. Just loves him unconditionally. To think of my poor child having to go through me leaving his dad and now me leaving this man that he loves so much, that has in some ways replaced his biological father, it shatters my heart. This may sound really really stupid but I know my bf loves me. I feel it. Why can’t he just stop hurting me this way?!!?!?! I wish I knew the answers. For now I just take it day by day. Waiting…
@Lisa, I wish I could do that. My bf’s business is computers. I can’t trick him or install anything without him knowing… I sometimes feel as though if I had all the info I could just be strong enough to say, “this is BS, I’m leaving”. I know you’re building your case. He n I are not married so this wouldn’t be necessary for me but sometimes I just wish I knew.
I am 13 days away from having my 2nd child with a husband who i thought was devout and really really into me. The first pregnancy we stopped having sex when I was about 5 months prego and didn’t have sex again until our son was like 4 months old. I thought that was normal being that i gained a lot of weight and i had to lose it. After that time my husband was really open about how he felt neglected sexually during those times and it almost became a joke since pre-pregnancy we had amazing sex and then after we got through that lull we had amazing sex. We only wanted to have 1 child. He made the appt to get his vasectomy. WE found out 10 days before his surgery that we had become pregnant. What should have been exciting turned into horror for me knowing how he felt exactly during the first pregnancy. I was not happy and really haven’t been too excited about this pregnancy. WE joke around how we don’t have sex and how it’s only for the time being. Today he texted me by accident with a raunchy sexting message obviously meant for someone else. I called him right away to try to figure out what the hell happened and he came right home for lunch and told me he had an account on Ashley Madison.com and it was just for some sexual release. he swears he never met with anyone and it was strictly for sexual release and control. I want to believe him but the text was implying that he was meeting this certain person for lunch to get a BJ. I am sooooo upset. I feel so betrayed. I am only weeks away from having a baby and i feel already the depression starting of what is to come in recovery from my scheduled C. How do i remedy this?? I felt like we had such a strong and open relationship and now i feel like i do not even know this person. I know the hormones from being pregnant do not help but this is going to be the hardest hurdle our 7 year relationship will have to conquer. I am so worried that I just won;t be able to handle it and now i’ll be a single mom of 2 at 30. What the hell am i going to do?? he is such a good guy and he claims to be happy to everyone. He is a very attractive charming person and that is what i like best about him. It looks like physically i just couldn’t provide and now this whole magical baby experience is tarnished by this awful outing.
Can anyone just give me any words of wisdom or understanding at this time so i don’t feel like the fat undesired wife i have been made to feel like?? Keep in mind I am naturally 119 lbs and now i am tetering 180. I am just devastated.
waiting a response…..
Hello Kathleen,
I remember those days, I found out 2 weeks before my second child was born as well. I literally had to force myself to eat because I didn’t have an appetite. AM – don’t get me started on that site, what has the world come to when someone creates a site for ruining people’s lives and millions join? Anyways, I know the feeling of being a single mom – literally scared me more than anything else, raising kids is tough. Your baby is due in 2 weeks, don’t stress about making a decision, have the baby, and you make sure he helps alot, because of your emotional state, tell him you need alot of help with the kids until you sort through this.
I get a strong sense that you are putting alot of stress on yourself because you feel like he cheated because you gained weight. Honey, I have talked to hundreds of women who’s husband’s have cheating, it has nothing to do with weight, personality, ect. It has everything to do with how your husband copes with change, that’s all. I really want you to understand that because if you keep beating yourself up over the weight gain, you are going to have a harder time losing it, that is just the way the universe works. If you really can’t get rid of that distorted view (weight gain = him cheating), I highly recommend seeing a personal therapist to help you deal with those thoughts so you can work through it.
Anyways, if I were you, I would focus on eating and resting for the baby (I know it’s so tough with everything going on). Have the baby, get your husband to help with both kids as much as possible so that you can think, you really are going to need that you time, you have alot to thing about. I was in your shoes in many ways just 2 years ago, and I was so down I didn’t think I would ever smile again, but I am actually happier than I have ever been now. I decided to leave (doesn’t mean you have to leave to be happy), and raising the kids are not easy, but I am happy, and no money in the world can replace that. Best of luck in everything.
Jewel thank you.
I managed to think what to do in several days which ends up deciding that i need to bring him up all those stuffs. We talked, i told him that i knew everything he’ve done online. At first he was mad for like what i’ve said that i am interfering his privacy online, but i tried my best to be strong and told him what kind of husband he was. I told him that it’s hard for me to trust him again and that i’m afraid that i don’t see myself a year from now having a happy relationship with him, yes, i told him that i will leave him since i’ve sinned of openning his stuffs and that i don’t trust him anymore. But as we talked he ended up asking for my forgiveness, that he’ll not do it again and wanting me and my baby not to leave him. Jewel, it’s all i wanted to hear from him. All was just a threat, got no plans of leaving, like what you’ve said, if ever i would just leave for a while and get some space and breath.
Now we are trying to move on, I’m hoping he’ll not do it again for i love him and i dont want to have a broken family for my soon baby.
Hello Aux,
You took a big courageous step in bringing it up, you should be proud of yourself, and I am glad that he asked for your forgiveness. I hope this is a start of a healing process for you and I hope all works out for you!
I have been married barely over a year and am 4 months pregnant. My husband was away for the weekend and had unprotected sex with a girl he met at a party. She too is married and has a young daughter, but her marriage is on the rocks. He says he was drunk and that they talked for two hours and she was nice and he felt bad for her and that it just happened and was unplanned. He tells me he’s sorry and loves me and wants to be with me and our soon to arrive first baby. He said he wanted to tell me as soon as he returned home from the weekend, but he didn’t. Instead I found out he’s talked with her for a week over the phone and through email. In the emails I saw he told her she reminds him off an actress from a certain movie (a movie that I’ve seen and this actress has many sex scenes in it), he told her he couldn’t meet her the next weekend at a gathering she suggested because “who knows what could happen.” But then he made a comment about wanting to hang out, and said that he’s running out of weekends. He told her that she should have her friend from the party call his friend and get him to take his boat out (so the 4 of them could hang out)…and then went on to write in parenthesis that she didn’t get that idea from him. And then he asked aout whether she was on birth control (which is how I found out they slept together) and she responded with some comment about unprotective sex and that they should be okay based on her ovulation timing.
Before all this I have felt insecure since being pregnant and having all these body changes happen….I feel like I’ve gained too much weight. We have maybe had sex 3-4 times in the last 4 months of being pregnant, but it’s not the same….I get uptight and nervous and it just feels uncomfortable. I even expressed to him that I felt we were drifting apart and I was afraid, but he told me to relax that I was just emotional. I truly never thought he would do something like this!
Even before this for the last two months at least he’s been busy with different activities every night of the week; it’s like a mid-life crisis in his twenties!
Now I just feel like I don’t know what to do? We had such a trusting relationship and he just threw that away. How would I ever be able to trust him again…everytime we’re out of each others sight now I’ll be left to wonder. I just am doubting everything now….is this the first and only time something like this has happened?..if he loves me and this baby and wants a life with us how could he let that happen?..It’s not like it was a drunken one night stand becsuse he was communicating with her for the week after! And as if sleeping with someone else wasn’t bad enough…it was unprotected so now what if he got her pregnant or got some nasty disease from her? (who knows who else she’s slept around with during her rocky marraige)…and then the fact that he didn’t wake up the next morning and feel awful and guilty enough to come home and tell me; he instead stayed the rest of the weekend and then goes onto ommunicate with her for the next week! I’m left to wonder where that “relationship” was going if I wouldn’t have found out? When I did find out he emailed her in front of me and said he’s in love with me and their communication has to stop. But to me there obviously must be a reason why this was not just a one night stand but rather an affair he carried on for a week (until I found out and called him out on it.)
Do I stay with him and try to work this out like he’s begging me to do???? I know I will never get over this betrayal… I just don’t know what to do. I am afraid to stay and heaven-forbid go through something like this again. But I also really love him and want to do what’s best for my baby. Help!
Hello Heartbroken,
Sorry to hear about your husband’s affair. You are right that this is more than just a one night stand, because you don’t continue to talk and try to ‘hang out’ afterwards. At the same time, he is not as aggressive as some men, who are like ‘let’s hook up again in two days, seems like he was taking it slow a little bit, which leads me to believe maybe his conscious was getting to him.
As far as unprotected sex – I know, my husband did the same thing – it literally angers and disgusts me that they are willing to get another women pregnant or bring home a disease to us. Most cheating husbands have unprotected sex, I don’t know why, but that has been my experience.
As far as do you stay or leave? You don’t have to make a decision today. Take some time, you can not stress yourself out too much over the decision because you are pregnant, and that is first priority. Observe your husband. Literally sit back and observe. Let him be in the drivers seat of the marriage and just see what he does. The answer will present himself. Tell him that you are in alot of pain right now, and because you are pregnant, you need to relax and need alot of support. Tell him that because you are in such a delicate state, you are going to leave the recovery of this affair for him to drive. Maybe he looks into therapy, or set’s up time for you to talk to try to rebuild trust. That is the hardest part, rebuilding trust. And he has to know it takes hard work and you are expecting him to drive this if he wants to save the marriage so much. Then relax, watch and observe him. I think after a while you will know what to do. And even if you make a decision to leave, doesn’t mean you bounce out of bed and leave, with a child on the way, it doesn’t work that way, with kids you have to be a little more strategic, so what I am telling you is that you have some time to plan either way. Set a goal to observe him for 3 months and make a decision as to weather or not you feel you can rebuild trust. I hope everything works out for you and your child on the way.
kathlleen..
I was 110 pre baby…I got up to 173. The OW was like 95 pounds. i found out about my dh affair 17 years later…
I know through the years he made it sound like I let myself go in pregnancy. however, I tend to hold my head high and look at it as an accomplishment that I can maintain a nice trim weight when I am not pregnant. My doctor wanted me to put on weight and I will not feel guilty and I know I was not disgusting. some of my male coworkers thought I looked gorgeous pregnant and post pregnancy when I didn’t shed those extra pounds. it is a shame that your husband and mine don’t see it the same way. They are the ones with the problem
Your page helped a lot. Thank you so much!
Hello Jewels. As in my previous comments, my husband was cheating on me behind my back for 5 years and has been with 2 other women that I found out about. Recently I found a record I had taken of times and dates his car had gone through toll roads whilst I was in early pregnancy and sick to boot, 4 years ago.
The records indicate him going over the other side of town once a month for about 5 months for just over 2 hourly periods at a time. Coincidentally the day after I had rediscovered my notes (which I took about 2 years ago around d-day), after sex just recently he said to me “same time next month?”. Then it dawned on me the coiincidence of the going over the toll road once a month and his comment. Is this just a coiincidence or is this something he had said to another woman? I was very sick during pregnancy and I know there was no sex during it.
I actually asked him about it today and he denied it and said there must have been a job he was doing over that side of town and also told me to “get over it”. He reminded me that he had a low sex drive. I asked him if he would tell me if he had been with yet another woman and he said that yes he would tell me. Of course I dont believe he would.
Another piece of the puzzle is that with the last OW that he was with in one of his emails to her when she offered sex to him, he said that it was the best offer he had had in 18 months. And that ties in perfectly with when the last time he would’ve gone to the other side of town as well. I know that a cheater will never reveal any more than they have been caught with, so even if there is yet another one, it doesnt change anything. I was just wondering if the above circumstances point to him cheating whilst I was pregnant?
To all the ladies out there! These are the words from my therapist. “He made the decision to cheat, you did not make him cheat!” We all have a brain and we all know right from wrong. Men think with there penis therefore they will always think they are right until it all goes bad!(Divorce etc.) My husband finally got help after he knew he was going to loose everything! I filed for legal separation and that did it for him. He is in AA now goes 3times a week, church-confession, and even makes an effort to do better. Some men need to be shown papers to make them see all they are going to loose. But it is still your decision to stay or not!
It has been really sad me reading all of these posts. Having a baby should be a joyous time for couples to share….at least thats what i thought. I posted my story a couple weeks ago. Since then I followed him and caught him “not where he said he was” as i sat in a parking lot watching him walk, he was texting me saying that he was “in the middle of a meeting”. I told him he’d better come clean when i got home or baby and I are packing. He still swore nothing was going on and even had the nerve to say to me “whats the problem”. So i told him i followed him and knew he wasnt at work. His response was simply “i swear i never cheated on you”
That night he confessed to me that he made an appt with an Escort and said he got my text right when he got to the hotel parking lot. Said he didnt go through with it and went back to work. ( i do know he was back at work). I handled it calmly as i could but I mean he just told me he was going to pay for sex. Anyway i have taken in that info and we have had a series of conversations about why. He tells me i make him the happiest hes ever been, we have great sex and regularly and he said he didnt go through with it because he realized he would lose me. Said he was “looking for excitement” that was his answer. I asked him how we could be sure he wouldnt be tempted again, i told him he needs therapy. He says he wont because he knows ill leave.
Since then i have seen his cell phone browser history and hes been on a escort site again looking, also pulled up his browser and found him on a high end shoe website (looking at stiletto heels, im 8 mths preg they arent for me) and i discovered today he never took that girl of his my 5. So i dont really know what to beleive anymore. He hasnt really been out of my site much for a couple weeks, and i see no text messages so it’s a little strange as to when he sees whoever, also hes in bed early every night ( i beleive on his iphone he has a hidden text folder). I have decided my previous approach didnt work, they justify everything, perhaps i will just pretend like things are good and follow him again one day. He has a history of cheating so i shouldnt be too surprised, i am just amazed at the manipulation and separation from the truth. How do these men sleep at night?
Reading all of this have made me notice I’m not alone. I’m 7 months pregnant and I have a 20 month old boy. A month ago I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me since I was like 2 months pregnant when I confronted him he tried to deny it but I had pictures and text that I found on his phone he had no choice but to admit it I felt betrayed disappointed sad and mad. What he told me was that he doesn’t love me and that he was gonna take care of his kids but he is in love with that other person I’ve kicked him out many times since then but he doesn’t want to go until he finds another job because he recently lost one of the two he had and I can’t go anywhere because I only have a partime job and I can’t affort moving out and I have no place to go mean while I have to depal with him coming at 2 or 3 in the morning from being with her his always texting her and calls her all day and he doesn’t even call me or text me during the day to check on his son or anything I’m so tired of this situation I cry all the time I don’t sleep and he acts like everything is the same he hugs me tells me he loves me and that he always will he even tries to be with me sexually even thou he “loves the other person” he just confuses me more I really don’t think he knows what he wants but I can’t take this anymore I feel like I’m dying inside and I will never trust anyone anymore!
Aux, you are welcome.
Hello Louise,
I am not sure if the question is really if he was cheating while you were pregnant, I think the question is around your personal next steps. The comment about ‘once a month’ that he said by accident to you was a huge red flag, considering your research. From reading your post, it almost seems as if you know that has been cheating and lying, and you know what you need to do, but you are still searching for more evidence even though in your heart you know what you need to do. And our lying husband’s don’t help in making you feel like you are crazy for thinking the way that you do. Towards the end you mention the last OW he was with, which means there are multiple, I always say, cheat once, it could be repaired, cheat twice, it’s time to move on because if he didn’t see the problem with cheating the first time, he probably won’t see a problem with the second, third, ect. So it’s time for Louise to think about what SHE wants to do, and the life she wants to lead, and everything else will follow.
Thanks Lisa for sharing a positive post, I’m glad that you are working things out with your husband. And glad to know that showing him the papers made him realize that this is nothing to play around with. I hope things continue to go well for you.
Hello Confused,
Good to hear from you. I don’t understand how they sleep at night either, the constant lies, the secret phones and emails and texts, it’s a big much. You are spot on when you asked him ‘how do you know that you won’t be tempted again’. Without any major change or willingness to get help on his part, you are going to live your life wondering if he is doing what he says he is going to do. I don’t know your husband at all, but from just reading your post, I get the feel that therapy for him represents the truth, uncut, unfiltered. And since he is still in a state where he still does sneak around, therapy for him is scary, he might actually have to be honest. Again, I am just writing what I feel through the post, you know your husband the best, so take this with a grain of salt.
Hello mimi,
Let me first say that those reasons that he is telling you that he has to stay in the same living space with you is not cool. He is grown. He needs to get out of your space and figure it out. He will be ok. Does he have family or friends locally he can stay with? It seems like he is making your life miserable and you have to tell yourself that your feelings are the most important feelings in the world, therefore you have to put things in place to ensure the best feeling. For instance, him telling you he loves someone else, and then proceeding to live with you, and come in at 2 or 3 in the morning after being with her is not ok, especially while pregnant.
If he loves the other girl so much – he needs to go live with her so that you can start to heal. It’s hard to heal when he is constantly reminding you of his love for someone else. It’s time for him to go (unless he is physically abusive, that has a totally different procedure). Everything will be ok, make sure you take care of yourself (eat, sleep, rest) remember you have a small child and one on the way. I wish you the best…..
I’m twenty weeks pregnant with twins and recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me for the duration our marriage. Not only has he cheated, he and this other “woman” have also produced a 14 month old child.
I have decided that I cannot and will not live with this kind of betrayal. Our marriage is over. There is nothing that he can do or say to begin to rectify this. He put my health at risk by having unprotected sex with her and coming back to me. She was one to inform me of their affair and child. Apparently he was supposed to leave me for her. Although we actively tried for a baby.
I just wished I had found out the truth before my pregnancy. I want absoluutely nothing to do with him.
Now I’m facing the single motherhood of two babies. I’m absolutely humilated. I wanted my children to have a stable loving two parent home. He has runied our lives. I will never trust another man again.
Hello Navy, sorry to hear about your betrayal. To find out while your pregnant from another woman about another family and life that your husband is living is not only devastating, it is traumatic. Sometimes I feel the men that cheat have no idea how much we sacrifice for them, having a child is a lifelong commitment, one that we expect to have support with if we are married. I hope that you have support of family and friends close by to help you with the twins. Make sure you make some time for you, it’s not possible for you to be a mother of twins 24/7, you are going to need a break, and do not be afraid to lean on family and friends to help, some can not wait to play that role for you. Also make sure you get a good divorce lawyer, your husband should be supporting you in every way possible with twins on the way. I hope you get overwhelming support through this difficult time. Take Care.
my husband and I been married for 6 years we have 2 boys and I am 3 months pregnant. He cheated on me before with our first baby. I caught him texting with somebody but I forgave him, 2nd time he cheated again I forgive him again for the sake of our kids. Now he almost cheated on me again with a prostitute he wants to have sex with her and pay her. He is a good father to my kids,but to me he’s never faithful. I read some email and he was looking for somebody to have sex with. I confronted him about this he said that aint true he was just bored at the office and was just curious about it. After the confrontation he acted like nothing happened. He said he loves us and he could never leave us just for that. Yes I get it, it’s just a pass time. How about my feelings that he even care???? I know that he loves me but why is he doing this??? I am expecting him care more about my feelings. But after the confrontation after a few days he went out with his friends. He didn’t even do something to make me feel better. I love him but I am sick of it. I want to leave but I am pregnant and I have two kids with and plus I dont work. I feel devastated…
Ohhh pinky welcome to our world! Your story reminded me of me I forgave him twice already but the third time then I would just be the fool and the mest up thing about it is that we are faithful members of our church and our pastor sees that there is no reason to have a divorce unless you are 100% abandoned…ha right I know you want him to realize your feelings I’ve been married to mines for 6yrs and I’m fed up also! I got married to be with the person I loved and knew the most (well thought I knew) and I took my vowels very seriously!Why did’nt he? (My second day of knowing that the heart that I gave him he stabbed it stomped on it and gave it to our next door neighbors dogs!
Pinky,
It seems like at this point your husband is all about him and his sexual needs. So I think Pinky needs to be all about Pinky and the kids at this point. As far as him going out with friends a couple of days after you confronted him about it, I know that hurt your feelings, because the same thing happened to me, I wrote a post about it that you can read here – http://www.acheatinghusband.com/cheating-mans-reaction-dont-bet-on-it/
What I have realized since writing that post, is that he cares more than you think, but probably wont show it until you leave, and by that time, it is usually too late.
Now, I gather from the post that you want to leave. You can leave. I understand that you might not be able to leave tomorrow, but you can leave. Your mind if a powerful thing. I was completely horrified of leaving because I did not think I had the strength to raise two kids alone with no family in sight. I was convinced that I would have a nervous breakdown. I am not the ‘fairly tale’ mom, I think it’s hard work and to do it alone – scared the living daylights out of me. But eventually, I felt two things, I felt that my husband knew that I was scarred, so in some way, he felt like he could get away with it, and secondly, the more I thought about feeling trapped, the more trapped I became to the point where I thought I was in prison, and I said to myself, ‘there has got to be a better life than this’. So I told myself I was leaving. Had NO clue how I was going to afford it, and how I could mentally do it, but I told myself that everyday, that I was going to leave, and little over a year later, I did leave, and don’t regret it AT ALL!! It took me that long because I had to mentally open myself up to the possibility of leaving and being ok, that took a while. I had to practice while I was still there, doing things on my own so when I left, I would be comfortable. I had to start opening my eyes to the support of friends that could help me out when needed. The more I opened my eyes, the more the universe started showing me in terms of leaving. I just want to tell you that because I don’t want you to feel trapped – I was there and it is a horrible feeling. If I were you, I would try to proceed with caution because you are pregnant, take your time and think about your life and what you want – explore the possibilities. Once the baby is born start to craft out your support system, your financial situation (talk to a divorce lawyer, you would be surprised at how you can get assistance to help you get back on your feet), eventually you are going to look up and say, wow, I think I can leave. The last thing I will tell you is if you do happen to engage in sex with him again (I know he makes you sick right now, but you never know), use a condom. In my experience with women on the site, men typically forget how to use condoms. Not saying your husband did, but just to be safe, I would use one. Take Care Pinky, you will get through this.
Hello everybody,
My situation is a little different, but related. Long story short, I just found out that the man I had been dating since 2007 is actually married with a newborn baby. There is a lot of back-story, but the important thing to know is that I DID NOT know either of these facts. I thought he was a bachelor, and he went out of his way to make it seem that way, including borrowing a friend’s apartment when I came to visit him in Atlanta.
My question is: Should I tell the wife? I obtained her name when I found out all of the sordid details. I have the ability to contact her. The question is, should I? It’s not like I knew about her and maliciously carried on an affair with her husband. I honestly had no idea. Is it wrong to tell her and ruin this precious time in her life (new baby), or should I withhold the information, take it with a grain of salt, and just never speak to the SOB again? I am truly torn between minding my own business and doing what I would want another woman to do for me. Help!
Hello Lisa,
Great question, I have been really thinking about my response on this one for a while, you are in a very difficult position because of the impact. Sometimes men are very good at covering up that they are married, and I believe from the question you asked and how you asked it, that your intentions in your question is really from a place of trying to do the right thing. I will tell you often times the ‘other woman’ will contact the wife out of pure anger or to get back at the husband, but I really think that is not your intention in this case. I used the word intention because to me that means everything. If you are really doing this as a ‘women to women’ type thing, in order to help her see what is going on, and it has nothing to do with you getting back at him, then I would feel comfortable telling her. BUT keep a few things in mind, she may take it out on you and call you a liar and deny everything that you are saying, are you ok with that? I say that because if you are doing this because you feel in your heart it’s the right thing to do, then her reaction should not bother you, the awareness is what is important. What you are going to tell her will change her life forever (unless she already knows). But if I were in her shoes, I would rather know now than 10 years and 3 kids later. I would rather know now than for him to bring home a disease. I would rather know now than to find out 20 years later that he has been living another life for years. And remember, she might hang up in your face. And that is ok, it is. Because even if she does that and takes it out on you, I bet you she will keep a sharper eye on him and watch him a little more closely, weather she believes you or not. And you know what, if she does that, then in my opinion, you have done your part in helping another women see the truth. Also stay calm when you talk to her. If I were in your shoes, I would tell her that you have something that you would like to share with her woman to women about your husband out of concern for her welfare, and you would appreciate it if you could have a few minutes to discreetly chat about this matter. Tell her if she would rather not talk to you, that is fine, I can hang up and you will not hear from me again.
In saying it like that, you give her the option of discreetly finding some time for you and you give her the option of not talking to you. Again, if she chooses not to talk to you, that is fine. If she wants to know, I would say something like, I sincerely apologize in advance, but I did not know your husband was married, and I have been involved with him prior to my knowledge of him being married. I am telling you this information women to women. I am not trying to cause any problems, I am sharing because if I were in your shoes I would want someone to tell me. She might start asking you all of these questions, and I would not get into the details of the affair. I would just say that I really think that you should have a heart to heart conversation with your husband about this. I don’t feel comfortable telling you all the details because I think your husband should be accountable in sharing that information. If she says I don’t believe this, it’s not true. I would say, if you don’t believe me, that is fine. I did not call you to prove anything to you, I am just sharing with you some information that I think you should know. Again, if she ask for details, tell her you really think you should talk to your husband. The reason I say don’t share details because the details are extremely painful to hear, and that is where I don’t think it is your place to tell her that, her husband should. Plus the details is where real anger comes in ‘he had another apartment’ and where women start to get a little crazy, and you don’t want to be a part of that.
Now if you were a cousin or uncle or something within the family, my opinion would be totally different. But in your case, from what you wrote in this little post, that is what I personally would do, you would have to decide for yourself what the right thing to do is, based on the full story, which I do not know. Unfortunately this is not my specialty, so understand that is is just my opinion based off of your short post here on the site. At the end of the day, you have to listen to your heart and do what you feel you should do, because you have to live with the decision, no one else. This is probably one of the most difficult questions someone has asked me because it is such a serious and emotional situation.
The other thing I thought of is telling the husband to tell her before you do. This puts the pressure on him to come clean and gives him the flexibility to do it on his terms. And yes he probably will make you out to be this crazy lady, but that is ok – it achieves the goal of her knowing. The only thing is how would you verify that he told her? I am not sure, but I think I have rambled on enough. If anyone else has any opinions on what they would personally do in this situation that might give Lisa some perspective in this situation, then please share. Take Care.
Hi Jewels,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I am going to give this some serious thought and prayer. I feel like keeping silent protects him and his lies, and exposes her to further damage via his bad behavior. I feel like if anything bad ever happened to her (STDs, outside children, etc), it’s on my hands. Even though he’s the one doing wrong, I had the opportunity to inform her and didn’t. To me, it’s almost like letting someone eat food that you know is poisoned.
At the same time, if she is clueless, and ignorance truly is bliss, who am I to rock the boat? She just had a new baby, her first one at that. This is such a happy and joyful time, I would feel terrible knowing I brought her this kind of pain at this time in her life. Maybe he’ll stop after me and become a good man to her and his child. What if she would never find out and go on living a happy life with her family? I’m just not sure it’s worth the risk, because while she’s busy picking up the pieces, I will have moved on with my life and away from the bastard. She has to deal with him- forever.
I truly resent him for putting me in this situation. I discovered he was lying on a total fluke. If I hadn’t literally stumbled across this information, I never would have known. I would have continued on with this man thinking we were happy and building towards something great. This is not to say that we didn’t have our issues, but they never centered around lying/cheating/being married!!??
At any rate, you have given me some excellent tips and great wording in the event that I do tell her. I will meditate on this some more, and I promise to follow up with the final decision. If there are any other wives or women out there reading this, please tell me, would you want to know your husband was cheating on you, especially right after your child was born? Keep in mind that I didn’t know about her or the baby until recently, and immediately cut it off with him when I found out. Thanks!
My story is here too. My husband cheated on me in 2005 (we have a 2 1/2 years old back then), the OW went back home to Romania and wasn’t able to get a visa to come back to the US. I think the affair was around 3-5 months. He was a coward and won’t admit he had an affair or say anything. So I don’t have closure at ALL.
On February 18, our 2nd daughter was born and had major complications. My husband prayed to god and said “if I am alive, he promises to never to hurt me again. On February 21, – 3 days after having complications and major surgeries received an email from another OW WITH PICTURES OF THEM TWO (those images were VERY hard to stomach. She is very masculine looking and her fat arms wrapped around his skinny skeleton body!) that my husband was a PERFECT liar and that he was single and lives ONLY with his daughter’s mom and they had a 3 1/2 years relationship. She claims that she didn’t know he was married. But she knows he was but was in denial b/c back in 2010 she called me twice to meet up but chicken out. Stupid me, I asked my husband why is this lady calling to meet up. He made up excuses that she’s a physco, she’s obsessive w/him and wants to be his gf but he’s married. lies lies lies AND more lies.
Well, he told her that he is going to move on with his life and wants to fix the problems and work on the marriages! Well she made sure he felt guilty for what he did to her as she divorced her husband to be with him.
He stayed home for 7 weeks been remorseful and repentant for his adulteress behavior and I bought everything that our marriage will be better and stronger.
WHAT A LIE I was living. When he went back to work, he was calling her on his work phone and went to see her! I tracked/ located them two in front of her apt togather! Also on my last day of bible study he went to see her! He lied that he went to fix her watch. But he was in denial and REFUSE he saw her and I was making things up.
Well it’s 7 months now, he only can talk to her at work and goes in either early or leaves late to see her for 1 hour or 1 1/2 at least twice a week.
STUPID me is still in the marriage w/ hope and faith that someone like him w/ NO empathy and compassion towards this marriage and family. When I confront about him seeing her, he goes into a rampage, calls me names, curses at me and wants to separate! he turned it around and make it seem like I HAD the affair NOT HIM. He can’t take responsibility for his actions NOR is he a man to admit he is having an affair. Even when he is confronted with calls from her on his cell phone, he STILL lies about it. UNBELIEVABLE!
He knows she has nothing to lose, but he has this beautiful family to lose yet he doesn’t care about the consequences by continuing the affair.
Why haven’t I kicked his sorry azz out? Why didn’t I change the locks? I still love him and he’s the father of my two beautiful girls.
He hurts me so much and put me thru GREAT hurt, suffering, pain, emotional abuse, and much much more.
VERY Sadly and VERY unfortunately, I love him! WHY you ask??? I am sure your story may or may not be similar to mine.
All I want is a husband and a nice family. I don’t’ want a husband, who is also someone’s boyfriend.
But I have faith and hope that god will strengthen me and show me which way to go. Right now, I am working ON ME! I am working on who I am, how strong I am to endure such torture,, all that I learned from this horrific/hellish event, I have grown and learned a lot! Additionally because of him I found god! I hope hope, I found joy, I found peace … at times.. there are times at least 4x a week, I am crying til my tears are dried up!
I know your story is here. I know we ladies will be happy and have a man who will loves and cherishes us like queens! BE STRONG!!
I am still in the mist of this and I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel!
We are VERY special ladies and we do NOT deserve this!
Hello, cheater’s wife, welcome to the site. You have been through alot with him, hurt over and over and over again, and through your examples he seems set in his ways, typical cheater, blames you, denies everything. That is great that you are becoming stronger and working on you. I think the problem with your husband is that you want the nice husband, but he is just fine the way he is right now, he doesn’t see the problem like you see it. And because there is such a big difference of thought, focusing on him and fixing this is going to lead to much stress because you can’t make him be faithful. But you can be faithful to yourself, which is a wonderful feeling. Throughout the years, you have so much hope for your husband and what he could become of the ‘nice family’ you talk about. And it seems like towards the end of your email, you are slowly turning that hope and expectation inward to yourself, YES!! If you do it on a consistent basis it is really a great feeling. And it causes you to have less time to focus on him, because you are too busy focusing on yourself. Great feeling. I wish you the best in your personal journey towards a brighter future for yourself.
Hi Jewels,
Thanks for the comment. There’s a saying (not sure from who), you can only change yourself to change the people and the environment around you.
I’ve been THRU a lot! You don’t know how many dark months I had in this marriage from the 1st affair to the 2nd one, to him watching porns on the internet, checking out other ladies on facebook, internet or when we are, to flirting with other ladies.. I know for a fact he was going out with someone else when he was married to me and with the OW (for the 2nd affair).
These 7 months have been so dark for me! I have anxiety attacks, headaches, hair loss due to stress, etc.. I couldn’t even focus, concentrate etc.. Couldn’t really do anything but stress if he’s seeing her since his new position is 1 miles from her apartment (ironic, they used to work in the same hotel to working 1 mile from her apt.. image the trigger moments and those darn photos she sent me of them two. How evil of her to send me those pictures to destroy me! I know god will punish her, I don’t need to be bitter about her.. took me a long time to get over that. I pray she will repent of her sins.. I pray for my husband’s salvation.).
So i live in darkness wondering if he’s with her or not. Now they go and meet at places that I don’t know. I used to locate him but it was killing me and I was not growing or recovering.
So I had to STOP. It was hard. He’s a professional cheater! He calls me from work telling me he’s in a meeting and see you in 2 hours! Once he hangs up, he goes and see her! Or he would call me and tells me lies! I think he’s thinks I am stupid that I trust him! What a cold heart person. I read up on narcissist people! It describes him! He has NO empathy for the me and the pain I go thru or how it will hurt our daughters lives later, he thinks having an affair is small and he didn’t do anything wrong, he consistently needs affirmation that he’s great and special etc.., the rage and his anger tantum that he can NOT control when I asked a simple innocent questions “did she called you today?” I don’t ask anymore because it only hurts me!
I lost a lot of confidence and self-esteem because I was laid off 3 times in 2008 and became a stayed at home mom. and from the emotional abuse these 3 years!
I can’t rely on him emotionally or as a father to my kids.
For some reason, we have this soul tie or emotional attachment that we both can’t seem to leave each other.
So what else can I do? It took me a while to realize that this journey is about my growth.
Today WAS THE FIRST DAY I ENJOYED MY DAY AND FELT FREE… LIKE I AM LIVING RATHER THAN SURVIVING. These 7 months been he ll for me but today was really special. I went to my women bible study, took my daughters to the outlet, we ate dinner at a restaurant, etc.. I was able to do things without fear without been afraid to leave my place like before!
Just because today I am strong doesn’t mean tomorrow will be the same. I have roller coaster moments!
Yes our dreams are shattered from betrayal and affair. It is worse than death!
I know only time will heal my wombs. It is so deep! Instead of stopping the affair, he’s continuing the affair and is in denial w/himself!
I pray god will strengthen me and help me thru this. I pray god will honor his words for my faithfulness!
I pray for all the ladies and marriages that are suffering. I know how dark it can be! It feels so lonely yet we are NEVER alone!
This message is for Lisa.
Hi Lisa, the OW emailed me 3 days after my 2nd baby was born. I was in terrible health condition because I had complications and was hemerging (spelling… vaginal bleeding) and the nurses realized it after one day so I lost a lot of blood and had 6 blood transfusions.
The OW was SO CRUEL, SELFISH AND HEARTLESS emailed me about the 3 1/2 years affair on February 21, 2011 WITH 4 PICTURES OF HER AND MY HUSBAND. You will NEVER know the impact that has on a new mom. It can definitely cause post par tum depression. I went thru that ALONE! The SOB husband of mine was continuing his sinful affair!
If this guy went out of his way to have the affair, I am not sure if he will be remorse and shape up or he will emotional abuse the wife like mine did.
I think it’s best to leave it alone because the truth will come out eventually.
I do suggest you tell the wife, but wait a few more months because of the newborn baby.
As a wife, we are innocent and we are the victim. YOu can walk a million miles but you will never know the suffering affair can have on oneself! It killed me literally.
If I didn’t have support from friends and christian women, I think I will still be in depression taking meds like the first time my husband cheated on me.
Good luck!
Please wait a few more months before contacting the wife. She’s innocent.
A Cheater’s Wife,
I am so happy to hear you had a good day!! With all that you have been through, having 1 good day is such a good moment, for the mere reason that it gives you a jolt of hope in that you might think ‘wow, if I could have 1 day like this, maybe I can have another day like this..’ You will have another good day as long as you keep imagining how good it felt to have one. You have been through alot, each obstacle is preparing you to be a better you, there is a reason for the pain, there has to be. Take Care, and thanks for your advice to Lisa!!
Thanks Jewels for the encouragement.
I am not out of the woods. I still have many days of darkness. It still hurts when he call at 5pm and said will leave work at 7pm. I know he went to see the OW before coming home.
My head hurts, stomach turns, and anxiety when I know.
Sometimes I am so frustrated. Alll the energy and time he spent on lieing and cheatin, those could be used for family time and working on the marriage. All the love poems, surprise gifts, dates he did for her to make her special he could have done for me. For me was ALL WORDS AND NO ACTIONS… it really hurts. I still dwell on it because I am human
There’s efinitey no trust nor did he make efforts to win the trust.
Why can’t I leave someone who has no compassion or empath for his wife and 2 beautiful daughters? Why do I love him so?? Is it my destiny to suffer and live like this?
I know some people reading this will be furious that I stayed.
I dont know what to do or how to feel. 3 days ago I found out my partner of 14 years cheated on me while I was 6 months pregnant with our second daughter. My baby is only 3 months old. I am 34 and he is 36. He works abroad and comes home every other weekend and cheated on me with some one in the country he works. He swears he only had sex with her once and prior to that kissed her on one occasion. But it appears he has been having an ‘emotional relationship’ with her for 8 months (I would have been about 4 weeks pregnant when it began) she was his shoulder to cry on as he says he though I didn’t love him anymore. It is true we have not been happy for over a year probably due to the stress of having lived apart for the last 3 years but i never stopped loving him. when he cheated on me ontop of being pregnant I was living alone as he worked abroad, I worked almost full time and was having a stressful time at work and I had a 4 year old to look after. I had been suspicious for a while as he became different towards me and didn’t want to be near to me (he says that was guilt) once I caught him in tears in our bedroom. Although I found out by hacking into his facebook messages I only did that as he said he was coming home to talk to me and deep down I knew what he was going to admitt to. he says he wants me back and will do anything to get me back. but him having had an emotional relationship with someone else is just as hard to cope with as the infedelity. i dont know whether to believe him I just want the hurt to stop
Im 23 years old and I have been with my boyfriend since I was 16 and he was 18 we have been living together for the past 4/5 years and have a 18 month old son and I am 5 months pregnant with our daughter. My bf had previously cheated on me when I was pregnant with our son and I didnt find out until after my son was born. He had been going to strip clubs and hooking up with strippers and random girls. He claimed it was just a sexual thing and no feelings where involved also that he was cheating because I was not treating him like a man. I forgave him and we tried to make it work. But as time went on I just couldnt let it go… the fact that he even touched another women made me want to cry…. I ended up getting pregnant again and when I was about 2/3 months I was over feeling so depressed about him previously cheating and not taking into consideration that when he wanted to go out (to the studio) late at night that I didnt want him to and told him to just come home he would go anyway and tell me if I needed him to call him and if I didnt trust him he would give me the number to the studio (like he couldnt just bring a girl with him) so to make a long story short I left me and my son moved in with my mom for a couple days and I soon after got my own apartment. I was very lonely and really didnt have a desire to meet anyone or even talk to anyone else. Me and my kids father agreed this would be a time to work on our relationship and see if it is better to be together or apart. Even though deep down I always wanted to be with him I just didnt think It would work because the trust was gone. He kept telling me he only want to be with me and wanted me and my son to come back home with him. It has been about two months since we have been living apart and he would come over some nights and spend the nights but not as much as I thought he would want to. He came over one day and I went though his phone and saw a text message from a no name number asking if he was gonna pick someone up at like 10:00 pm I asked him about it and he admitted he has been sleeping with random girls and that it dosent mean anything to him I asked him where and his said at his apartment in the bed we used to share. He claims it means nothing and he has been frusturated with everything that has been going on he claims he still wants to be with me and like he said before wouldnt do it again and he wants us to live together again. I just cant stop wondering what he is doing all day and I keep thinking he is still with other women at night/and day I cant sleep and just constantly crying. I dont know if I should forgive him or move on.
and if I do move one i dont know how….
I’m so sorry J. You love him and worry about your kids. I didn’t want to believe it either….the mind is a powerful thing…some kind of protective mechanism in our mind turns on..and we doubt and doubt and doubt ourselves…. the HURT is unbearable….like a rollercoaster ride from hell. From reading and getting advice from the people around me…I find that everyone has their LIMIT. MY turning POINT was when I actually spoke to the girl he was in contact. You wouldn’t believe the lies he told her…his name, his work, where he lived, his age..etc. I know she was hurt because I told her the truth about him. Obviously she too fell for him too.
You have to ask yourself what you want in life right now? I take it from reading what you wrote…you just want to be happy for a change… at peace. I told him to leave and its over…HE STOLD ALOT FROM ME…my happiness and peace….a potential of a wonderful marriage with him. Listen to instincts, your gut. I just knew deep down that he wasn’t going to change for me/us, no matter how many times i would fight, talk and discuss. He gave me no choice. I’VE SAID IT ONCE HERE AND I WILL SAY IT AGAIN LIFE IS TOO SHORT.
Thanks Daisy
i know what u r going bcoz i am suffering almost the same,these men should be turn in to sixers, they want kids,but no compromise two times in a week is not enough 4 them they r wild dogs,i know i am insutling dogs…..they will not except it that they cheated their wifes,they have guts to sleep with other womens(call girls) bcoz they r use 2 of this habbit..i know how it feels a husband for whom u change ur self u give kids u did everything for them & in result he sleeps with call girls.in pregnency he wont help u at home in work or other things,getting food from outside is not a help.they are bastards u know what its not easy to see their face or to go in bed with man who cheated in pregnency,his duty was to be polite with you help u & most imp 2 b ur side during labour pain but how can u expect from a cheater all this? he just want kids a tag of being a father a man,these kind of man uses a women 4 kids that,liars,they want to keep hand on ….to take oath to prove them right this is the big prove against them. infact they want women to sut thir mouth abt this & be normal with them how can they expect this from their wifes i dont undrstand,u know what act like to get normal but dont forgive him dont say i love u & dont look in to his eyes during beding ,do ur duty’s as a wife,think that he is just father of ur kids or a bad friend thats it i was 8th month pregnant just imagine what i went through i didnt even told m parents or friends abt that till today.u have to be with this pain & man 4 ever just for kids u need to tolerate that man…..just kick kick hhim from ur heart..thank Allah & his messenger & then ur child bcoz of them u saw ur husband real face.u were being fooled from years…..the man who went to a call girl u think he loves his wife a big No, he just used u 4 kids & for a change 4 a call girl to wif thats it dont trust him ever,the perso who dont want to take oath has already proved him self that he is a cheater he cheated,i want to ask my cheater husband what was my fault y he cheated me i always tried to satisfy him even during pregnency but still he cheated me
everyday i cry 4 that.dont have another child with him again he will cheat u the same just pray to god that ur kids should not even get a single quality or habbit like his sinner cheater father just live this life 4 kids thats just think he is no one 4 u….god will punish him here & there..he will lie here but he cant lie infront of god on the day of khayamath which story he will make ? i always thought my husband in the most loyal husband he loves me c
u know hat he send me to my parents to take rest as i was pregnant ,he planned so well with his cousin & friends as if loves me care for me actually fooled me my parents ,relative & inlaws thought that he loves me so much i always told my parents that i am very lucky to have him,i dont want myParents 2 get hurt & cry by knowing wt kind of person he is his real face..i am thankfull to 2 people who told his truth…
Like most women, I am happy to have found this site and see the stories of other women, it makes me sad that I’m not alone in my situation but helps to see how other women are coping. I’m 23yrs old, my boyfriend is 20, and I am 5 months pregnant with twins, I found my partner cheating last month. We had only met 3 weeks earlier when I found out I was pregnant and I was devastated, I never wanted children and had just gotten out of a bad relationship. The timing could not have been worse, though at the time I thought my partner could be. I knew from the moment I layed eyes on him he is a ladies man and told him that I thought so too, I never intended on a relationship with him and I’m an honest person by nature. He asked me several times for a relationship, and I said no, before giving in and he was constantly upset that I wasn’t “More serious” with him. When I suspected I may be pregnant but it was too early to know for sure I asked him what he thought, he said if I am pregnant with his child there was no other option, we would be a family (regardless of what I wanted, which I thought was admirable in its own way). He swore that he would never cheat on me and that he loves me, but I always asked myself “If he’s cheated on most of his ex’s, why should I be any different?”. Regardless of my caution I found myself happy and him to be quite good to me and helpful, we moved in together. He wants to be there for every single appointment to do with his children no matter how small and is always trying to make sure I’m eating enough and not over exerting myself or laying on my stomach “Squashing the babies”. We were still having sex daily though if not more than once a day.
Then last month while I was still suffering morning sickness I hear his phone going off, he had been out the night before and acting strangely in my opinion, he was playing video games that morning as usual before I got up and to my surprise I actually hear him pause his game to reply to these txt’s, which is very odd! Now I’m not one to pry, but he had gone through EVERYTHING of mine for weeks after we got together seeing who I was talking to, which I didn’t mind as I had nothing to hide. So when I saw he had left his phone in the kitchen I picked it up and had a look… Only to see he had been txting another woman, and made plans to meet up with her. He had been rather aggressively pursing this woman, being flirty and asking ALL the questions, making ALL the suggestions and if she hadn’t txt back he had txt her again. After a few moments I calmly sat next to him on the couch and calmly asked what his plans were for the evening he told me “After you go to work, just some cleaning” *LIAR*, so then I asked who had txt him that morning, he said “My sister” *LIAR*… To which I replied, “Oh so you have a new sister named (OW’s name) do you?”. That got his attention! He lied some more about an old Tafe friend to which I point blank told him I did not believe him, I felt that was not a conversation you have with an old Tafe friend. Things began to settle a few days later except now I had not seen his phone in days, when I did pick it up finally it had pinlock on it, when I confronted him about this he said he didn’t want me picking up his phone and seeing a txt and take it the wrong way. Then he added a woman on Facebook of the same name as the one he had been txting and from the same area that he had gone to “to see some friends”, according to him this was a different woman and I would meet this one when I met his friends. When I went to look on his Facebook messages he freaked out and grabbed his laptop off me telling me there was old stuff on there he didn’t want me to see from his “old life”. It was too late, I had seen enough of the screen to see the 2nd message down was from the OW. The next night he let me look at his Facebook without any problem, when I told him he had deleted msg’s he denied it *MORE LIES* until I told him which msg in particular I wanted to see, then he changed his story to “I told you last night I was deleting them” & “When I said I hadn’t deleted any I was being sarcastic”. I had enough and told him I didn’t want to share a bed with him, after a few hours of pleading I finally let him into our bed on the condition he didn’t touch me.
A week or so later I was told by a female work collegue that he was on a dating website, looking at her profile! She had taken photo’s on her phone showing me he had been online at the time of her taking the photo. I was just happy to have some proof, which of course he denied stating “Yes it is my profile but I haven’t been online in months, since before I met you” & “I have forgotten my user name and password for that even” *LIAR* sadly I have no experience with these things so there went my proof… Then 3 days later my ex sent me a Facebook msg telling me my new boyfriend is on the dating website, this time I was furious, clearly my ex cared more about me than my new boyfriend! I was still without anything concrete though. Eventually I was able to log onto his dating profile and see his activity, I was sad to see how many other women he had sent requests to though I couldn’t see any of the conversations, until I got on his skype account and saw a conversation typed out there, with a different woman, the day after he had put on his Facebook how much he loved me no less!
He still cannot give me a reason why he did it at all, he kept telling me it was a one off, until I caught him in that lie, he wasn’t planning to meet up with either of these women that he had made plans with and given his number out to. He told me how sorry he was and that it would not happen again. He said he had not “actually cheated nor was he planning to, it was just a bit of fun” I have told him I’m not stupid enough to believe thats not where he was going with this even if that wasn’t his original intention and asked him how he would feel if I had done something like this. He has been trying to just get me to forget and move on, but I really can’t, not without an explanation, he was still getting exactly what he wanted from me. I don’t believe he is sorry, other than the fact he got caught, or that this won’t happen again. If I wasn’t pregnant I don’t think I would care, I would have just ditched him, but I want the kids to know their father and I feel he should take some responsibilty, if he wasn’t up for it he should have said so in the first place.
Hello ( Disappointed, not surprised), welcome to the site.
I bet if I count all the words in your story, the most popular one is ‘lies’ and that is not good when you are talking about your boyfriend and father of your twins!! I think at this point I would think that he is not a keeper from a relationship standpoint, but may be good at helping with the kids, time will tell. And the kids can still be active in his life without the both of you being together. I would not use this time to make any major life changes, but I would use this time to start looking, planning, searching, researching to create your support system for the kids if you were to leave. Do you have family near by, people in your life that can seriously help you with the kids?? One of my moms friends daughter had a similar situation. Got pregnant with someone that was no good (lying cheating), and just her luck she was having twins, with no support from him. She ended up moving home and her mom helped raise the kids. The kids are in such a good environment, and very smart. They never really knew there dad but the kids and the mom were able to recover. He should help with the kids and provide both time and financial support regardless of if the both of you are together or not. But again, for now, just keep your eyes open for opportunities which will help you build a strong support system in case you decide that you don’t want to deal with him anymore. Unfortunately, I have talked to enough women to know the lies will not stop. And if he now locks his phone, it’s just so he can keep up with the lies. I know you wouldn’t think people would actually do such things, but they do. You will turn out ok and I hope your twins are born healthy and beautiful as ever.
IM DUE IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS AND MY HUSBAND WHO WONT EVEN SLEEP IN THE SAME BED WITH ME DURING THE WHOLE PREGNANCY HAS BEEN TAKING OFF ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT TO BE WITH SOME DRUG ADDICT WHO LIVES CLOSE BY. I GUESS THAT EXPLAINS WHY HE IS CONSTANTLY YELLING AT ME MAKING EXCUSES TO FIGHT AND EVEN HAS THE NERVE TO ACT LIKE HE IS SOOOOO UNLOVED AND IS THE VICTIM. I DIDNT PLAN TO GET PREGNANT BY HIM AND ACTUALLY WANTED TO DIVORCE UNTIL I FOUND OUT. I AM DOING MY BEST TO MAKE THE BEST OUT OF THIS SITUATION BUT AM SO DEPRESSED IM BRINGING A BABY INTO A BROKEN HOME AND FEEL SO ALONE. ALL HE DOES IS TALK TO OTHER WOMEN, SPENDS HOURS ON PORN SITES, AND THREATENS ME WITH CUSTODY IF I TRY TO LEAVE HIM. I DONT EVEN WANT HIM THERE FOR MY BABY’S BIRTH BUT NEED SOMEONE TO DRIVE ME WHEN I DELIVER. I DON’T WANT MY SON RAISED BY SUCH A SICK MAN WHO JUSTIFIES HIS BEHAVIOR. WHY DO MEN DO SUCH DISGRACEFUL THINGS TO THEIR OWN WIFE WHEN SHE NEEDS HIM THE MOST???
WOW… these men are just so unbelievable. Can you stay with family? A good friend? I mean this is abusive…I would for the time being don’t argue back and avoid..until you figure out a plan. If there are drugs involved then his judgment is impaired big time.
The baby is a blessing…don’t look at as a bad thing. What’s bad is your situation…take one day at a time…come up with a safe plan for you and your baby.
Hello RJX,
I felt the same way when I found out 2 weeks before my son was due, so your doing this to me at the time where I need you the most…great. RJX do you have family around? I don’t have family near but slowly but surely I started to create a support system of friends that can help me when needed, I think that will help. If you have family, lean on them for support. When you say he threatens you with custody, can you explain that for me? What country do you live in? The rules might me different where you are than in the US. From the post you wrote, your husband is causing you more pain than helping, it seems like it’s time to start thinking about a plan to leave. Doesn’t mean you leave tomorrow, but thinking about it so that when it’s time, you can go and not have to go back. I hope things work out for you and your baby.
Thank you for your thoughts, it felt great to get it all off my chest (I didn’t think it was that much but it was looking at it). Seeing your thoughts on things has helped too, I was unsure of everything having my world turned upside-down in the last several months. I do have family near by and they are very excited about the expected new additions, more so than myself I think. They are trying to give support in anyway they can.
I agree, I feel that the lies won’t stop, he hasn’t been honest with me yet unless he has been caught lying and had to admit the truth, or a portion of it. Also I feel that he has shown that he doens’t truely value our relationship or me, by both his actions, continuing to contact other women and adding the 1st one on facebook after I had already caught him. Also his in-action, not telling me the truth or explaining why he has done it. He still wants to go through all of my things because he thinks I am cheating, when I have been talking to what few friends I do have, about our relationship. I don’t think it is fair after his reaction to me looking in his facebook and locking his phone, I know its not helping matters any but I can’t bring myself to let him have his way with that anymore.
I have just given up work though and don’t want to be a burden on my family, also, he wants to be there for all the appointments and I would still like him to be there for the birth of his children, so I’m staying for now and will make any decisions after the twins are born.
This board is making me so unbelievably sad, but here I am adding my story to the list…I am 35 weeks pregnant with my second child. I have a 7 year old son with my ex husband, and it took me 6 years to find someone who I thought would like to raise a family with us (my son included). We have been together for 1.5 years and are expecting a baby girl in 3 weeks. He had been the most caring, loving, attentive boyfriend until 2 or so months ago. When I met him I knew he was a womanizer but he convinced me he was ready to settle down and start a family. He’s 30 and I’m 29.
For the past 4 months he has had sex with me maybe 5 times (at most). When I bring it up to him, he changes the subject, so I automatically think I am a fat whale that is unnatractive. About a month ago it was like he changed into a completely different person! He started hanging out with a select group of friends that I had never met (nor was asked to meet/invited out with) and right now, it’s 4:49 am and he is not home. He went out partying one night about 3 months ago and didn’t come home until the next morning, but I had believed him when he said he and his friends went to a nude (!!!) beach and just go too “high” (God knows on what) and drunk and he couldn’t make it home. I am sick of being disrespected and am absolutely SHOCKED that men are doing this to women in such a fragile time in their lives. I hacked his FB and email (keylogger software is your friend) and read some info that made me unhappy but nothing concrete about cheating. Just that I think he’s using cocaine again (he says he used to be a partier and use it all the time; I am totally anti-drugs). I am hoping I never see evidence of his cheating, but I just know it’s going on. I don’t understand the change that happened and how anybody could purposely hurt somebody else.
I don’t know whether to pack up his stuff in garbage bags and have it ready by the door for him or if I should just leave. I have a huge family and great support in every way possible but the embarrassment and shame I am feeling is stopping me from asking for help. I just went on maternity leave and will not be making enough to get by myself. I always told myself that I would have no more than 2 kids with 2 different men, and here I am in this situation and feel devastated. He KNEW THIS when he met me. It’s almost as if he deceived me on purpose; making me feel secure and that he and our mixed children would be a real family. I can’t stop crying and it’s not fair for my 7 year old to have to see me like this. I can’t help but feel like a horrible mother for bringing someone into our lives just to have him dissapear one day.
Also, should I let him come to my scheduled c-section? By not letting him am I being a bi%&h? Does he have the right to see his daughter born or do I let him see her once I’ve left the hospital? Seeing him will only upset me more.
I am 32 years old and I have a 4 month old son. I am head over heals in love with my husband. We have been married for 6 years, and I always told him we were lucky we found each other. I always considered him my soulmate. Two years ago he lost his job, and I was finishing my MBA and working full time. I told him to go to school instead of looking for a job. At the same time I was dealing with saving our house from foreclosure. We were coping with things ok, but I was extremely busy and he felt left out. I was getting annoyed when I got home from work and things would not be taken care of around the house. I started treating him more like my son than my husband. That was my fault, I understand. He told me multiple times how he felt, but I was too busy. I felt like he was being a baby. I took care of everything.When I completed my MBA and got a great job. I thought we were both very happy. Not him. Last week I found out that he has been cheating on me for a year, which means that he started cheating when he found out I was pregnant and got a very good job. I found out from his cell phone. He came home drunk at 3am and when he was still sleeping in the morning I picked up the phone and checked the messages. I even called the woman and told her that she will get karma back. She was dumbfounded. She told me that he painted completely different picture. That he found out that I was pregnant of Facebook and he wasnt sure it was his baby. He made a bunch of lies to get into her pants. I am so angry and devastated and I dont know what to do. I went to talk to the priest and he said that I could forgive him, but even God doesnt expect me to do it. I love him so much and he claims he loves me, but at the same time he said he loved her. I kicked him out of the house the same day. I am moving out next month with the baby. He comes to see his son every day. He is an amazing father. He never goes to church, but he went to talk to the priest today. I wont talk to him about anything other than my son. This is so hard, and what makes me angry the most is that he lied to me for so long and now I only have the images of them having sex and them having this special thing that we once had. This is so painful. I cry every day. I am torn. Do I forgive (not now) or do I move on with my life? He ripped my heart out and spat on it!
To WTF men?
I know exactly how you feel, reading your story it is very much like my own.
I was also torn as to let my twins (We know they are boys now), father be there for them at all! I was considering some pretty drastic action. These are just my thoughts:
1. He gets away clean and I will be left to raise his children, I have already given up my body and my work, I’m not doing all the hard work of raising children, family are amazing but there are limits to what they can do. Yes he will always know he has children “out there somewhere”, but if he doesn’t bond with them it will only ever be a passing thought.
2. The children will suffer, never having that bond with their father or knowing him at all, and I would never want to be responsible for that.
3. He will be more emotionally involved and it will be harder for him to just leave me with the children, should he decide he no longer wants to be in their lives.
I also am not making enough to survive on my own, I’m only at 24 weeks and can’t work due to (mild) complications, I figured he could support his children starting now. My partner still hides his phone and has changed the passwork on his computer, which hurts knowing I can’t trust him, but I want our children to have a good relationship with him.
It may feel embarrassing, but it feels much better to talk to someone about it, I let my family know exactly what is going on, so they won’t be surprised later, and most of my friends know too. No one will judge you, the people in your life will want to be there for you! Make sure they know your wishes regarding the relationship though, my family are constantly asking to give my partner a good talking to, I say no because he is a big boy & makes his own decisions, nothing they have to say will change a thing sadly.
Should you have him at the hospital (I would encourage you to strongly consider your choice), make sure you have plenty of support people you do want to see, make him wait outside if you like, but if he is included as I plan to have my partner included, any normal man will melt at seeing their child at this time, its a big moment in both the childs and his life… You can always pull the rug out from under him later.
Thank you for your reply. I hated my ex-husband so much that I did try to keep him from our son, but one day I realized that the only person I was hurting was my son and they now are together regularly. By letting everything go I also have a better relationship with my ex-hubby than I ever thought I would!
I did kick out my (I guess now ex) boyfriend this morning. I had to take a stand and show that I cannot be disrespected in any way, pregnant or not! Staying out all night is selfish and just plain immoral. Since then I have talked to some people and heard some good insight…my sister thinks that because I am home every night with my son and pregnant, my guy figured he could go out and party because nothing was stopping HIM from drinking and whatever else, and that I would be safe at home in bed. A friend thinks he is addicted to the party life and just couldn’t justify stopping for a child he hasn’t seen yet. Mostly everyone else just said he is an a%%hole and are proud of me for being strong and not letting him walk all over me.
Now to the most important part…I am totally devastated, unbearably sad, hormonal, crying, etc. My heart hurts physically. He is the type who will never see the error of his ways and blame me for life for kicking him out and “overreacting”. I do not want him back, but at the same time cannot do this by myself. My anger and pain is affecting my decision about letting him come to the birth. I am all about being accountable for your actions. Something as beautiful and pure as a birth shouldn’t be tainted by memories of being treated like trash and playing second fiddle to friends, drinking, drugs and partying. As I said, I have no proof that he actually cheated on me, but I don’t need the proof. I know in my heart he has cheated or was planning on it. I think he may have met someone and has feelings for her and by pushing me away it makes it easier for him to justify sleeping with her. I may be crazy but this is how I feel
I agree with you, even on the off chance he has not cheated, putting himself in the party situation greatly increases the chances of him cheating and returning to his, as you mentioned, womanising ways.
Also it is SO unfair!! Thankfully my partner is allergic to most alcohols! He still tries to drink though which annoys me to no end. Your sister is dead on, going out and partying without you is not right, you are pregnant with his child!! He should be at home making sure you are alright, especially being so close to the end of the pregnancy. There are a million other things to say on the subject, but we all know how it is so wrong.
I was not going to say whether or not to break up with him as it is your decision, but good on you! I know it hurts right now and its hard being so close to the end of your pregnancy, it’s a very delicate time, but think of it as your first steps to freedom. I was depressed because I didn’t want children and now my partner had gotten me pregnant and cheating?? It mad me so angry. I’ve moved past that stage now, I’m thinking of the future, I’m focusing on me. Most men (my father included) get defensive when you point out their faults and won’t admit they have done anything wrong. Don’t focus on his negatives, it will get you down and he will never admit to them if you do, I believe Jewels has a section on this site about men not being remorseful. I found when I was 16, nothing hurts an ex more than when you are happy (& they don’t know why). The best thing for you to do is focus on yourself, make yourself happy, show him he is missing out! Once again this is hard being so close to birth. For some reason some twisted men get a little ego boost out of seeing how torn up we get over them, try to be strong, for you, your son and your little girl.
Would you be ok with him being in the waiting room? I understand your feelings on the birth itself. I guess for me I want to make sure my partner is focused on his children while I am (naturally, hopefully) giving birth. I have heard some shocking stories about men being with other women while their wives/girlfirend’s are giving birth, and I don’t want to be always wondering what my twins father was doing while I was doing all the hard work… If my partner is not there he had better have a good reason or he will be in hospital himself.
You sound like an intelligent woman, thats what he fell in love with, now your “different” but it won’t do any good to become a shell of the woman you were pre-pregnancy, it will just give him more “reason” to continue this behaviour. It will also hurt more if you think about it, get distracted, do something fun, with your son, your family or even do something with your son and your ex-husband if you have that kind of relationship, something your son can always remember because I’m sure there are a few changes and (emotionally) tough times coming until you have things settled again.
Thanks again
You are awesome
I have been through this all before (not cheating, but issues and a major blowup and finally divorce) with my ex-husband so I know what to look forward to…it’s just the fact that I am due to have my baby in less than 3 weeks! How can someone be so selfish???? It just seems that I try to be so good and respectful and help out anyone I can but always end up getting crapped on by everybody. The jerk even took the TV he bought me for my birthday, knowing that my son loves playing Wii and I had just gotten cable installed the day before! He says he took it because I didn’t give him back his portion of the damage deposit. Petty, petty and for this reason I want to get him back so badly. I am angry now and am letting my emotions get the best of me. But I do know that my daughter is not a pawn that I can play with. I will have to allow him to see her. I hope to be breastfeeding though and he is definitely not welcome in my home, so he may have to deal with 1 hour visits in public so I can be around to feed if necessary. I know I’m being spiteful but whatever. I am just so angry. In time I may soften up a bit but as of right now I feel that he has wronged me in the worst way and cannot even fathom the thought of forgiveness.
Hello WTF Men,
I am just now getting back from being out of town a couple of days, seems like there have been some very good posts here. As far as your situation – here is my 2cents.
First, you mention something that I said to myself over and over again, and that was “I can’t do this by myself” . I was terrified of being alone raising two kids, and where I live, I have no family – just his, everyone else is a plane ride away. Did not think I could do it, but I did – and I lived to tell the story!! But is started with telling myself I can move out and live on my own, I will be ok and have the support that I need. See me saying I can’t do this by myself kept me in the relationship, it was my fear that kept me there for longer than I wanted to. Turn that statement around, you can do this, and you will not be alone in raising your child.
You mentioned you have family, but you are embarrassed to tell them, and I totally understand that. But just know that there are family members waiting in the wings to help you, and all you have to do it reach out and they will be there to catch you, trust me. My family was far away, but they came to help me move and in no way made me feel I needed to stay because I had no support. So with your family support, you technically are not going to do this by yourself once you share, they will love you telling. Yes family gossips and yes you will have that family member that might say something out of line, but for the most part, with things like this, certain family members will want to help. You will be surprised how many family members have dealt with cheating – I can say that for a fact without even knowing your family
.
As far as feeling bad for your seven year old, I will tell you some advice that has helped me greatly. This can turn into one of the best lessons for your child. This experience can teach him at an early stage that life is all about changes, and that people sometimes come into a family and sometimes they leave a family for their own reasons. It’s sad and mommy was sad but now mommy has moved on and it working to make a better life. But she is not going to let changes in her life make her sad forever, because life is about being happy.
I am not telling you to say those exact things, but what I am saying is through your words and examples, you can teach your son about dealing with change is such a positive way. Read some books on how to deal with separation so that you are equipped with knowledge on how to talk to him about why he is not around as much. But overall, him seeing mommy like she is now and seeing you recover is going to be wonderful for him. He is going to learn no matter what, you can go through life and recover.
Lastly, you mentioned revenge/anger, just be careful, I know it’s on your mind now, and it’s fine, it’s a normal part of the process. But just be mindful that sometimes you stress yourself out trying to inflict a pain on the other person and it doesn’t have the impact you want. For instance, you can not have him see the birth, and he might act ok, like no big deal, which is going to make you mad if your intentions were to hurt him by not letting him see the birth. I agree with disappointed, not surprised (thanks for your insights) that you might not want him sitting there holding your hand the entire time, but think about how you would like the interaction to go, especially if don’t want your family to know at this time.
I also agree with Disappointed, not surprised – in that you do not want this man to get away with not having any responsibility for the baby – not cool because if you push him away at birth and he gets comfortable with not having to be around the baby or do anything responsible for the baby, when you do want him to be responsible it will be much harder versus getting that established in the beginning. So it’s this is your daughter as well, I need you to go and get “baby diapers” from the store and leave them on the porch, ect. or I need you to install the car seat in my car, or watch the baby for 30 minutes while you go to the store. Just something small so he doesn’t think that you are just going to automatically take on all the burden, I think he needs to step up in any way that you feel comfortable. Take Care.
-Jewels
Hello Angry,
An affair for a year is alot to take in emotionally. You story reminds me of my story in some ways. The whole ‘I am not sure the baby is mine’ technique is one that my husband used as well. Where do they get this stuff. It hurt me bad at first, I was so angry, then I just considered it foolish and silly for him to say that – what lengths cheating men will go through. I would tell myself all the time as well, I get that I was not being there for him, ect.ect. But I had to stop doing that because in a way I was justifying his cheating and promoting my own insecurities. Regardless of what you did or didn’t do in the marriage, he could of done so many other things other than cheat.
As far as next steps, you have a 4 month old son there is going to be alot going on. My husband was doing the staying out late thing as well. And like you, I was caring a heavy load and was just beyond myself that he would do this when he knew I was desperately trying to save the house, provide, cook, clean, everything. I could not believe he would do this.
Anyways, he might be sincere in trying to work things out, but you have to watch his actions not his words. You plan to move out, see what he does, does he want to get back, is he willing to be totally transparent? Is he willing to take more responsibility (you should put rebuilding the marriage on him, he set up appointments, read the books, exercises, ect.). Because of the affair, he needs to give you the feeling that he is willing to put the time and effort to make this work. You can’t carry this one as well. That is what I told my husband. I literally drove myself crazy trying to take care of everything before the affair, if there is any chance of this working, you have to lead the recovery. If he is really serious, he will do it. If he is flaky, or not willing to put in the work, all you will hear is talk and little action. Best of luck, I know it’s a hard decision to make.
Glad to know I could help, even a little
I know what you mean about trying to be there for everyone, I try to do that too. I have helped two female “friends” out with a place to stay previously, at different times, and they both took advantage of me. I think men these days are just programmed to be selfish, by society, they don’t have that expectation of taking responsibility and being the provider that they used to.
I am a firm believer in treat people how you want to be treated, if thats how he wants to act, then so be it, and it is petty. He knows everything about you, that you have just given up work & won’t be able to give him back the deposit. You would know from experience with your son’s father, there will come a time when you look back on your actions now, try to be strong and make sure you can always say you did the best you could
. You both will know who is the better person!
You are right though, he is not someone you will want in your house, if he is using drugs then supervised public visits would be best, you are only acting with your daughters best interest. I don’t think you would have heard about it, but we had a nasty case recently here where a father killed his children (I think two) to get back at his ex, I don’t want to alarm you, but tragedies like that occur. I hope for your daughters sake he can get clean, thats the only way he will truely see & feel that he has done wrong by your entire family, though he may never admit it. You sound like you are in a better head space already, you may be mad as anything but you can use that energy to move forward. Crying and depression aren’t very helpful to anyone at this time, I always tell myself there will be time for that later if I still feel like it.
I hope you keep in touch, it would be great to hear how things are going for you
Thanks for your replies. I can’t even imagine what resources women had (or didn’t have) before there was the internet…it’s mind-boggling that we can all come together on one blog and recount our stories and have support from people we don’t know and will probably never meet. You both have given me great advice and I will definitely keep you posted
I did send him an email today explaining why I kicked him out and the reasons behind my anger, pain, sadness and actions. I didn’t do it to start conversation or to desparately try to cling to some sort of communication, I did it because I had to. Just to tell him how I’ve felt these past couple of months and what he has lost by choosing his friends over the family he apparently wanted, how I feel and how he has hurt me. I also enlightened him on the fact that he not only left me, he left my son as well and that is something that I have to deal with alone. I also warned him (not in a bad way) that if I’m breastfeeding, he won’t be able to take the baby out for at least 6 months. Just a heads up. I will also welcome him into the OR when I’m having my c-section…I feel much better
I’m glad you seem to be doing much better now
It is amazing how sharing & reading other story’s along with the replies is so helpful in dealing with our own situations. That’s a great way that you handled the situation too!! I’m sure getting it out & putting it in the open helped you feel better. It puts the responsibility on him to work on having a future place in your family, whatever place that is.
I had a word to my partner about him hiding his phone, which he denied, I told him I didn’t believe him. It’s either always with him or turned off while he is asleep, I told him I’d been watching him do this for days. He just promised to try harder to regain my trust, but he’s still not actively trying, it’s only been a day. Like Jewels says, he plays the “I want you & I want us to be a family”, which is really confusing because what he says & does are two different things. I know what he really means though is “I don’t want anyone else to have you”. I don’t know whether to continue trying or just let it go, I feel as if I wouldn’t be doing the best thing for our boys if I didn’t try. Then again I would be ok with breaking up & I deserve better than this.
Hiding the phone would make me absolutely FURIOUS! Maybe you should do the same thing with your phone? Once he calls you on it you can tell him welcome to the club, how do you think I feel when you hide your phone or put a password on it or turn it off? My sister went through a huge, messy divorce when I was going through my divorce with my hubby; she has read all the books, has great knowledge, and the one thing she wants me to remember over everything else is you can’t go around teaching lessons. If these men weren’t taught as children about consequences they will never learn. That really pisses me off because it seems like everyone I meet needs to go back to elementary school and learn the basics over again! I am all about teaching someone a lesson! Do you think you should ask your BF to take a break and see how that goes? Does he have a place to go for 2 weeks or so to see how you both feel about living separately? I totally understand that you want to have a family for your boys but it’s not fair to yourself or them if you’re completely miserable because your man is around and being difficult. Have you tried an ultimatum? I’ve heard that they work on some people and not on others. Is he being supportive money-wise? Baby stuff wise?
My ex didn’t reply to my email…I didn’t ask for one or didn’t expect one, but I’m still in the “hoping he will come back after seeing the error of his ways and shower me with affection and show me how much he loves me” phase. I know it’s not going to happen but I guess that hope just sticks around for a while. It’s hard to comprehend that someone you love so much can just stop loving you one day (if they ever did at all).
Hi Ladies..
I need advice from women that have been in a similar situation.
My husband was having emotional affairs with multiple women over the years through email and text messaging. I found the string of emails about a month ago..
Long story short I have decided to stay because I have two small children, we are going to therapy and trying to work through it. We have both been doing really good up until this week when the thought of this happening again got in my brain..
My question to you is.. I asked my husband last night for his email passwords.. He got very angry and told me that he is an adult and is not in prison. When he calmed down he told me he would have to think about it that it’s was a fair request but he’s not sure yet if he is willing to give me the passwords..
Ok, so do you think he should give me the passwords.. And if he gives me the passwords is he going to resent me one day for peering into his personal life.. Also if he doesn’t give me his passwords how else can I start the trusting process?
When he got angry about it, I started feeling worse like “what do you have to hide”..
I’m confused and upset.. We have been together for 16 years, married for 8. He is my best friend… I really want this to work out, I don’t want to leave…
Thanks so much in advance for any advice!
TO: email passwords. I been there and have done that! For years my husband had emotional affairs and even was going to meet one woman on our family vacation to Disney World with her family until her husband found out about their plans. My husband has never had a physical affair that I know of but plenty off on line ones. If he won’t give you the phone password he is hiding something! If he takes in the bathroom and spends a longer time than needed he is chatting or sending pics with these women! Do you have separate phone bills? If not, you then go online pull up your account by phone number and view usage, this will give you detailed info and numbers to where he is sending pics too or text(pending charge not billed yet). You cant view the text but you will have proof. Ladies if you are truly unsure about his computer usage too, you can always get a spyware. I use Webwatcherdata.com and love it! I have gotten all his passwords from this on anything he does on the computer. This is very invasive and you may not want to see all he does. It takes pictures and copies keystrokes. It helped me keep my husband and teen boys in line!
If he gets more defense about his phone then tell him that what he is doing is still cheating! If it’s a secret from you IT’S CHEATING! Also tell him you could be one of those women and he wouldn’t even know it! Most mean feel their ego is not being stroked enough. Men want praise more than anything. They feel they are not needed by us anymore because we are so busy with everything else in the home. Also bring this up in therapy see what the therapist says! If he can’t give you the password and he gets more deffense each time you ask then he is still cheating. Stick with your gut feelings they are always right!
To Lisa:
Thank you so much for responding..
I have installed a keylogger onto all my computers and i do have all of his passwords, I was just hoping when I asked him for them he would give them to me.. I have been monitoring him and so far so good, but that could just be because it’s too early to tell but I am being hope full.
I am going to bring it up during therapy I am really curious as to what the therapist is going to say, and how my husband is going to respond.
My husband told me he was doing this for an ego boost so you were dead on with that one.
My question to you is you stayed.. How do you trust him again? You are monitoring him too, how do you ever feel ok? I am guessing with time you do, but I’m just scared I won’t be able to trust him again.
I believe you are right that he is hiding something by not giving me the passwords, it might not be right now but I think he wants that private line of communication open in case he wants to reach out again.. Also great call with checking the phone bill, it’s in my name so i am going to check the numbers.. Does anyone know how to get the name for a cell phone listing?
Thanks again I truly appreciate your response
Best number identification website that I have found that is free is:
http://tnid.us
Thank you Sandy-Sue, that is great!
To email password, Trust will happen when he takes responsiblity for everything. My trust is slowly coming back, (it’s been 4yrs in the making) I don’t check on him daily just once a week I look at stuff if my gut tells me too. There were so many times I felt good and trusted him only to have my heart broken again and again. At those times I just told him to move out and I would file for divorce. He always came crawling back. Since he finally understands what he has done to me he is taking the responsiblit to make us work too, not just me. My husband is in AA for sex addiction too because they go hand in hand. Cheating is a high for most men, just like looking at porn it’s their time to feel like a man and be anyone they want to be. A mans EGO is so fragile according to my husband. They want to feel desirable again that chase thing. These other women give it too them, they make them feel special and that’s all they really want!
In your therapy you should bring up the idea of this being in reverse. How would your husband feel and what would he do if this was you doing all this online cheating? My husband said he wouldn’t like it, so why should you!
It took alot for my husband to get it at age 51. He wasted 4yrs being drunk and cheating still holding down a good job. My two sons are Autistic (mild) 21yrs and 18yrs old that’s probably why I stayed the most but I know I could have done it alone. My friend and family still can’t believe all I have been through and are here for me. That’s what kept me going. Try not to let the stess get to you, it did get me in the begining and I lost 40lbs. (I only needed to lose 20lb) I was depressed and couldn’t eat, but that is what my body did to defend it’s self from some of the pain I was feeling though the pain never really went away at that time. What ever you decide is up to you! Some say get out of the marriage others say stay because he hasn’t really had physical sex yet. Your decision is the only thing that matters. There is no right or wrong! Just what makes your the happiest! Yes I am Happy I stayed, It was worth the fight!
To Lisa P:
Thank you so much, I am going to keep your response because it was very eye opening for me..
Not that I take any fault in him cheating but I know I haven’t boosted his ego in years.. We have been together for 16 years now and with children thrown into the mix, I have been lacking in giving him the attention he needs. No excuse for cheating on me, but I think in our “working it out” I should start to try and boost his ego a bit.
I do feel that if we didn’t have children I would probably leave him and I know in time I would be fine. I also know if this is a re-occuring thing I will be leaving with my children and I’m sure with family and friends I will be strong enough to get through it.
According to my husband he reaches out and starts these relationships with women when he is drunk and playing on the internet, and then when he sobers up the realization sets in but it’s too late and now he is enjoying the attention.
You probably feel similar to me, emotional affairs are just as bad as if he slept with the women. It still hurts the same. Plus, like I have said to him it probably feels innocent to him like a fantasy how could it ever hurt anyone. Which scares me because it’s so easy to do with modern technology… there are so many temptations.
But on a positive note, thank you for telling me that you are happy that you stayed and that it was worth the fight.. I found some pictures of us when we were kids (17) and it reminded me that he is my best friend too, that’s gotta be worth fighting for!
Thank you and good luck with your journey.. Jessie
Jessie , I am glad I could help in any way. I once had a friend tell me I didn’t have to stay with him after I took him back. It was OK to change my mind again. I did and that separation lasted longer than the first. (I became stronger emtionally to handle anything that came my way) But when asked to come back the second time I still knew it would be a fight. I was prepared emtionally this time around.
We all have different situation in our lifes and there is NO REAL ANSWER too which way is best for us. I see so many women not able to make a decision weather to stay or not on this site. IT’S OK! No one can tell you what is best for YOU! If you can’t make a decison then don’t! Wait until you can. Good luck to you.
Hello Ladies,
I’ve been reading up on your comments daily to help me thru my situation.
You can read my story on one of the comments too.
My husband is very emotionally and verbally abusive to me because of his guilt and shame. He’s still seeing the OW and denies it. When he sees her and comes home, he takes it out on me!
I found out 3 days after our 2nd baby was born. I was still in the hospital in IC unit due to vaginal bleeding. 3 weeks later, had a hysterectomy done.. So I can never get pregnant again.
The affair was 3 1/2 years back in Feb now it’s over 4 years. It hurts SO BAD! I have lost so much weight, my left arm is in pain (from stress, i can’t even hold my baby w/ just my left arm), I developed eczema on my right upper hips etc.. I asked myself, is it worth it?
IS HE WORTH IT.
I know I believe God will take care of me and my girls. I know once I have the peace in my heart and if he continues to see the OW then I know my answer.
I know ladies, the decision is HARD.
Love SHOULD NOT HURT.
Our husband is suppose to care for us, cherish us, treats us like queen and we treat them like king etc… we don’t deserve this.
BETRAYAL is worse than death!
Today I was suppose to walk w/ my lady friends but I am having my roller coaster emotions and just stayed home w/ my baby while my 8 years old is in school. It’s so hard to leave the house sometimes. I have to renew my thinking and tell myself “I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am a child of god, I am a good wife, I am a good mother etc” OVER AND OVER AND OVER to encourage me.
I also listen to youtube.com for encouragements/ to get me thru my days. I am very blessed w/ good friends who talks to me when I needed it.
This is only temporary and it will pass! We will be stronger because of this.
We are a fighter NOT a quitter! I will keep all of you in my prayers.
Please pray for me too and my girls!
Dear cheater’s wife. I feel your pain, and have felt it too. Do to stress your body is trying to hold on without shutting completely down. I had both hands wrist area come down with carpal tunnel and a anxiety attacks daily, I though I was having a heart attack. I pushed myself to get up daily work my P/T job and still be a Mom. While my husband still thought he was doing nothing wrong. (husband had emtional affairs) But heart ache is heart ache no matter how it is served to us. Just go about your daliy routines as best you can. You will get through this! It will all pass when your body can relax it just takes time.
To A Cheater’s wife:
What I am learning from all of this is that it is not your fault and you have to be stronger than the pain you are feeling. I completely understand what you are going through, I have started to lose weight myself.. But what makes me get up and take care of myself is when I look at my two boys, you have to be healthy for your children.
You are beautiful, you are worthy, you are a child of god, you are a good wife, and you are a good mother.
No one should be abused whether it be verbal/mentally or physically. Are you in therapy for this, it could be very helpful for you and him if you choose to stay with him. You sound like you may be religious, maybe talking to your pastor could help too if therapy is out of the picture.
This will pass and you will be a stronger more beautiful person because of it.
I will say a prayer for you and your girls.
Best of Luck.
To: A Cheater’s wife
I feel for you and know exactly how you feel. When I was going through my divorce with my ex-husband I lost 60 pounds (which I was eventually grateful for because I had never lost the weight I had put on with my son – 65 pounds!!), but I knew it wasn’t healthy. Having no appetite is something most woman would pay for, but when you’re sad it just ain’t fun. I also noticed I wouldn’t make the most nutritious food for my son because cooking seemed like a chore I didn’t want or have to do as I wasn’t even eating. The “heart attacks” and anxiety were there too. It was scary and just a really dark time in my life.
What I found worked temporarily was going to see a psychologist about 2x per month. I understand not everyone can afford this and I’m not sure where you’re located, but mine was about $80 per session. If you can, borrow the money from someone or ask your husband to pay for it. I would go into her office and cry my brains out and she would offer suggestions, would never judge and once I left that office, I felt like I could take on the world! Sometimes you just need a good (preferably professional) ear who can help you get through this time, wether you choose to stay with your hubby or not.
Please note that having been a child of parents who were emotionally and verbally abusive to each other (and still are because they’re still together for some unknown reason), I can now see that perhaps staying with someone like this is not the best choice you want to make for your children. I am not trying to tell you what to do, just give my 2 cents and opinion. I am stronger and more open minded because of my upbringing, but I do resent my parents greatly for exposing their 5 children to their issues and not seeing how it was hurting us. It was very selfish of them to scream and berate each other in front of us and have us pick sides all the time. It was exhausting and made us feel like we had done something wrong. Maybe have a talk with your 8 year old and see how she feels about daddy screaming (or whatever he does) at mommy. This may help you come to a decision about staying or leaving.
Good luck to you and I will definitely keep your family in my prayers
Hello Email Passwords,
It seems like you already got some advice, which is just, here is my humble perspective. First understand that his response to your request is typical, most men don’t feel the need to open up in that manner but you are married and he cheated – so it is different. To open up conversation, maybe you can ask… “Seeing that we are married, is there anything that you feel is ok to hide from your wife?”
The fact that you found out your husband was cheating through email – that is a HUGE trigger for you. That is going to be a critical element going forward is how do you rebuild trust with your husband concerning email since that is how you found out. So going off of your energy that this is your best friend and you want things to work out, I would see if you can come to a compromise. For instance, maybe say something like “I understand that you do not want me to have access to your email, but you being secretive about email is an emotional trigger and causes much pain since that is how I found out about the affair, and by me not having any visibility, it feels like you are cheating all over again. I have a suggestion. Is it possible that I don’t have access to your email, but at least starting out, if I ask you to log in and let me see your email, just to give me validation that nothing is going on, would you be willing to do that? I might only ask once a month or once a week, really not sure at this time, but I want to feel confident that if I ask, you will have nothing to hide and would be willing to give me that validation needed to help us progress in affair recovery.”. See what he says, he might not understand how much pain it causes you to even think about his email. I know that him getting angry over it probably caused a huge emotional trigger for you. It doesn’t necessarily mean he is hiding something, it could mean that he was surprised by the request when he has never had to be so open in the past. Men after the affair want you to just ‘get over it’ but they have to realize the most important part of the marriage (the foundation of trust) has been shattered and he has to do some things that might be out of his comfort zone initially to help rebuild that trust, and it takes a while. That might be another question for him, say “Things are different now, I know you want to stay together, but what are you willing to do in order to help rebuild the trust in this marriage?”
Also on a side note, did he end the affair (I am assuming he did), if so, was it through email? Just curious. Lastly if he is not willing to compromise at all, then I think you should consider marriage therapy in order to work through this, because him not giving you any access/visibility will hinder progress towards rebuilding the marriage. I hope everything works out in your favor.
A Cheater’s Wife,
Keep saying those affirmations, each time you do they are like putting money in your emotional well-being basket. You might not think it is helping but if you say it to yourself over and over again everyday, it will change the way that you think about yourself. Don’t ever ever stop telling yourself those beautiful words, they are true.
Thank you ladies for all your emails and support. Like I said, reading some advices help me a lot.
Yes, I do go to my counselor but it’s very expensive so I go once a month and absorb EVERY advice she gives me.
As Jewels mentioned to Email passwords, I found out about the affair from the OW who emailed me about the 3 1/2 years back in Feb 2011!! My husband is a total coward and will NEVER admit the affair if she never emailed it. Even when she called him during our dinner time, I should him the call history, he still lied thru his teeth it was NOT Her. If I show him the call history, he would destroy my laptop!! He CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH B/C HE’S LIVING IN SIN!!!
I don’t know how long the affair would have lasted if she never emailed me. She only told me because she found out that we were having a 2nd kid. If we weren’t welcoming a 2nd baby, she would have NEVER emailed me and continued the affair w/ a married man. She is VERY Desperate and divorced her hubby hoping that my husband would leave his family for her. He told me “I will NEVER leave you!” I said, “yes you will NEVER leave me but you will continue your affair!”
He wants his cake and eat it too. The OW is on the sideline waiting for me to leave this cheating husband because she has nothing to lose. She has no families here and she only has him.
My husband w/ weak morals and a history of having affairs w/ ALL his relationship (I didn’t know that until his brothers told me.. b/c this OW emailed my sisters-in-laws and brothers-in-law via facebook about the affair.. she was VERY upset when no one sympathies w/ her.. so funny… My in laws love me! EVERYONE of them called me for my bday this year b/c they know my hurt, thanks to her!!! I never expose my husbands affairs during our marriages to his families. She did that favor for me.
I know it’s NOT her, it’s my husband! He is the one I am married to and live w/ NOT her. So if he wants to risk everything and lose this beautiful family, then he’s the fools lead by the enemy into condemnation. What they have is a fantasies based on lies and deception.
He has no remorse or guilt for what he did. He said he made a “SMALL MISTAKE”. So if this is a small mistake, what is a BIG MISTAKE then?
He can’t handle when I am crying from his emotional/verbal excuse.
I can’t believe this but since the affair was expose, he’s like he doesn’t even care and take advantage of the situation. He is the one who had the affair but I have to pay for his mistakes. I have to be strong and hold this family together. I have to create normality for my 1st daughter and care for my baby!
He bought a HARLEY bike and rides is quite often while I am home been a housewife, house keeper, cooker, babysitter, taxi driver, tutor for my daughter’s homework, etc etc.. while he just go to work, plots his azz on the coach and watch tv, demand his meal and expects a perfect family while he doesn’t even CONTRIBUTE anything but just a paycheck…
My friend said, don’t just look at the affair, look at the big picture. I am seeing a different person that I met! He has really changed and shown his single side of himself.
This post helps me because I know there are other ladies going thru what I am going thru. I know not to the extreme extent as I am right now. But you guys can relate to me. My friends, they don’t have adultery in their marriages just regular marital problem because they married Christian husband (I know not all Christian hubbies are angels) so they do not understand the pain of betrayal.
I am so hurt and suffering still. I just want to feel normal again w/out my anxiety attacks! It’s really affecting me mentally and physically!
To Jewels:
Thank you so much for your response..
Yes, my husband did end the affair through email, and we are going through marriage counseling. I really wanted to see the email of how he ended it but he deleted it way before I could get into his account again, I can only rely on what he told me he said..
I think that is a fantastic idea to ask him to log in and let me look at his email occasionally, that might just work. One of my main concerns if he did give me his passwords was that he was going to feel in prisoned and recent me later for doing that..
Even thought I have installed a key logger and do have his passwords I need it to come from him for trust. Maybe in time I wont need to monitor his email, I hope so.. Thank you so much though that was a great idea, compromise I think is something he will do
And to Lisa, yesterday after I got your responses I sent my husband a couple emails just boosting his ego a bit.. Wow, totally different person walked through the door last night.. he was happy and genuinely excited to be home! Thanks again
Jessie
I don’t have a lot of people to take to, and the people I do have I am kind of embarrassed to talk about it. I have been married for three years, earlier this year a month after I found out I was pregnant, my husband told me that he cheated on me with about 6 different women from the time we got together till 2/11. My heart dropped and I felt like my world had been turned upside down. Okay he vowed to never do it again and apologized for his behavior and for hurting me. Well his birthday was last month, we went out and then had some friends over, well he said he was drunk and he kissed his best friends sister. Mind you it was about 15 ppl here at our house when this happened including me. He said he was so drunk he wasn’t sure and so he asked her, when he was drunk again and they kissed again. Now last weekend, well last Friday I came on to him, and he turned me down and suggested that we wait until after the baby is born to have sex. Well the very next night he kissed this girl again. I only found out because I saw some text msgs from her and to her like all that day. I called her and asked how long she had been messing with my husband and she denied the whole thing and said she was blackout drunk. He admitted that it happened three times, again he is sorry and promises to never do it again. I have no idea what to do, I am 36 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child, our 2nd together. I an so furious with him, so hurt, I feel so betrayed. I mean I know this girl and their first encounter was at our house while I was here, I mean what does that say about our relationship or how he feels about me. Any advice?
Hello Confused,
It seems your husband is confused as well, sorry you have to go through this with a baby due very soon. Your health is important right now, and know that you don’t have to make any sharp decisions at the moment. Here are a couple of things to consider.
I get the feeling that either he doesn’t understand how severe his actions are or he knows and doesn’t really mind the consequences. He told you he slept with women, continues to kiss other women, and then turns around and says he doesn’t want to have sex? How heartbreaking is that for you? Does he not understand how painful all three situations are to deal with if they happened separately, and you have to deal with all 3 together. You don’t have to do this right now, but at some point when you feel comfortable, I would just ask him if he wants to be married. And tell him if he does, then there can be no more ‘oops I kissed a girl’ situations again, you have dealt with enough. And let him know, if you find out again, you will plan to leave. And you might not even let him know. I know I am being harsh, but for some reason I get the feeling that your husband is taking the cheating very casually, like ‘oops, sorry, my bad’ and it should be more serious than that. Now that is just how I would say it, you know your husband, the point of any of my responses on the site is for you to read the response, and get you to think about it and use the info to reflect on your own situation, that’s it. At this point, I think you have been very forgiving. You really don’t know where he stands, and your health is very important, I don’t want him sleeping around and bringing home anything. Just because you decide to leave doesn’t mean you have to leave at that moment. So let’s say you find out he is still texting this girl after the big talk, I would focus on having the baby, and getting him to be a support for you and the kids as much as possible, while you mentally plan to leave. This includes thinking about where you can stay, child support, your support network, help with the kids. It sometimes takes time to think about those things and just because you plan to leave doesn’t mean you leave. But knowledge is power and it’s important that you equip yourself with the knowledge of what will happen and what you would do if you decide to leave. I hope he gets his act together, I wish you the best.
First I’d like to say thanks for getting back to me, and thanks for the advice. We talked last night again, and he keeps saying it was just a kiss, and he kows it’s wrong, but he didn’t think it was as bad because they weren’t having sex. Although he did ask her through text msg if she wanted to hang out with him alone, she agreed but they never made any plans. He hasn’t contacted her since that Saturday that he told her they shouldn’t continue to see each other because it was wrong. He said at that moment he also thought about how he was going to tell me that he had been unfaithful again. He then confinded in his brother n law, who told him that he had to come clean, he said he was scared because I had just forgiven him for his preveious behavior. I am scared to tell him that if he does it again I will leave because I am scared that he may sliop up and then not tell me because he is scared of losing us. Last night I asked him if he wanted to be married and he said yes, that he loves me and what we have. Again he promised to not let it happen again, I asked how can you be so sure because you said the same thing last time, he just knows that he can do it this time. I really want to believe him, he apologized for making me feel the way that I do and he knows and understands that he hurt me, but I just don’t how to get him to understand how deep that pain is. He has deleted her phone number and asked if we could get our phone numbers change, and that is also something that I am looking into. I had asked him before if it was just new and exciting and he said yes, it must be. When he drinks he wants to flirt, kiss, or dance with other women. I told him maybe he shouldn’t drink if he can’t control himself. I also told him that not hanging out with his friends would put him in a slump, but I don’t want to have to wonder, when he goes out is he behaving himself. I am trying not to think about a lot of this being that it is so close to my due date and I don’t want to stress myself. I like your plan about having a plan in place just in case I decide to leave, I have already decided to put money aside, for this reason. I still can’t help but to feel so confused, I mean I love my husbadn and I know that he loves me but I am wondering if he has a problem. I don’t like the fact that yes, he wants sex just not from me while I’m pregnant he keeps saying. He doesn’t know why he feels like that, or why he doesn’t show me any affection. That hurts the most, because here I am trying to make love to gim or be affectionate towards him only for some reason my being pregnant is turning him off. And you are right I don’t think he uderstands how painful the situation is, and I don’t know how to get him to understand, I mean he sees me crying so he knows I’m hurting but he doesn’t know how bad it is. Thanks again for your help, I really needed someone to talk to.
I just found out my husband may have cheated and I honestly do not know what to do. Within a few months of meeting he really wanted to have a baby and get married, unfortunately I had a missed miscarriage and was completely broken. Eventually he was over the whole thing, and three months later I found out I was pregnant again. This time he was very different and acted like he wasn’t ready for the baby. He blamed me for getting pregnant and started going out all night with his frat brothers and coming home drunk (if at all). I was just starting my second trimester in Jan and honestly I can say it was the worse time of my life. every night I stayed up crying, thinking he was hurt somewhere(because he was drunk and not answering the phone). The only person that could console me was my precious growing baby. After about three months of that crap, he started to come around again and was once again ready to be a dad. Our child is now five months old(she came 2.5 months early, i believe it was due to stress), today I logged into his email for some paperwork I needed. I stumbled upon Facebook notifications wchich had messages from many different girls around Jan and Feb where he clearly flirted with them and possibly was with them those many nights. I can not forgive someone who cheats and want to know what really happened. Part of me wants to ask him for his password so I can see for myself what was really said and done, but I dont know if I should leave it in the past because now he is being a good father. I am very hurt but also feel like i cannot live without knowing the truth.. Do you think it is worth stirring up the pot and possibly my family, to know if he really committed adultery?
Reading all of these stories has helped me calm down, so I thank you all for sharing. I need y our input on my situation that I have been confronted with just last night.
I am 35, been with my husband for almost 5 years and married for only a year and a half. I am almost 7 months pregnant with our first child. It’s a first marriage for both of us and we have always been so happy. My husband is sweet and caring. He never lacks in showing affection and has been so understanding though the pregnancy symptoms. I have been the envy of my friends and family. I considered myself blessed to be in such a wonderful relationship…SO, a few months ago I had a strange feeling and had an itch to look at his text messages (never felt the need to do it before). I found one of him making plans to meet with a 25 year old girl that worked for one of his clients, I remembered back to the date and that he came home later than usual and told me about a happy hour meeting with a client … I was distraught that he lied to me and confronted him a day later. He convinced me that his meeting was cancelled and that it was a last minute plan to hang out so he could fix her computer and that there was nothing sexual between them; he was very sorry and understood why I was upset with him. He is a helpful, friendly guy so I accepted it but had doubt in the back of my mind. I told myself that it was probably some ego stroking flirting with a young girl and likely harmless because he just does not seem the type to actually go through with it. I checked her out on facebook, she even has a young studly live-in boyfriend that she claimed to LOVE. Also, I have access to all his accounts, we know each other’s passwords, and he did not appear to be secretive at all.
Last night, I had the urge to snoop again and I was “rewarded” with some very revealing chat message history that he did not fully delete. Turns out he has been meeting with this girl, she knows he is married and expecting, I will spare the details but it is obvious that they have a sexual relationship and have been meeting up. He even mentioned how they needed to hook up before all his family started coming to town for the baby and he could not get away to see her. (!!!!!) This is not the man everyone knows, myself included. . I am close with his family, they would be devastated if they heard about this, to top it off, we have bunches of family traveling from all over for a big baby shower in a few weeks. I am horrified at the prospect of facing everyone and having to pretend that we are the same loving couple.
I am heartbroken and I am in shock that I have been put in this situation.
So now what? I am at work right now. I kicked him out of the bed last night so he knows I am upset with him and that it is about HER but does not know what I saw. Do I tell him to get out while I think about it? Do I confront him with my evidence and wait for his confession and apology? Even then, how can this behavior possibly be justified and forgiven?? I don’t know if I can even look him in the face. Please ladies, tell me how you dealt with the initial confrontation. I am at a loss.
To: Heartbroken, First you need to get his phone again and forward those messages to your phone. For proof of his cheating, otherwise he is going to twist it around saying it’s all in your head and your hormonal!!! Believe me he will blame your for his cheating at some point. You NEED THE PROOF! I printed out my husband garbage to prove to him and me it’s wasn’t me but him. He will get defensive but that’s because he got caught! Tell him he needs to tell his family or you will. He needs to step up and take the blame. It will be difficult to do but what is the alternative? You getting madder and madder at him without him knowing everything! Tell him even if you start crying and yelling that’s is what I did. You have to get this out or it will effect you one way or another.
Then wait for his response to everything, do not believe everything he will say because he will leave out alot of stuff. You can get through this we all have! It’s up to you if he stays or goes it doesn’t matter at this point. In time you will find the right way. Best of luck to you.
Thanks Lisa. I did forward the chat history from his email account directly to myself, all he would need to do is check his sent messages to know he is busted. I also forwarded to my BFF from my email.
He must have figured it out, because I just got an email from him saying he will explain everything and that he f-ed up and it is not as bad as I probably think, we’ll see. I doubt it… At least I know he will talk when I get home and I don’t have to convince him that I know and to stop lying. I was dreading that part, I hate manipulation.
I have been reading Jewels ebook today and it is helping me to gather the courage it will take to deal with this situation, no matter the outcome. Now I just need to eat for my baby’s sake though food is the farthest thing from my mind… Thanks again!
To Heartbroken
It is as bad as you think, sorry to say that. If he is hiding this from you it’s cheating. Was he going to show u those text? I doubt it. EVEN if he says its just emotional, its CHEATING! My husband had and emotional affair for 4yrs with multiple women. He finally says, Yes it’s cheating!
Be strong when he gets home. Take everything he says with grain of salt. He will lie trying to explain himself! He will even put the blame on you. You did nothing wrong!
Eat little meals as much as u can for u and baby. It will make be hard to do but u can do it. I lost my appetite and I threw up for months after eating. It’s just how my body handled it.
Keep us posted and we will be here for you.
to: Heartbroken ,
I also think you should email a quick note through FB to her boyfriend. (this will stop your husband from cheating by also telling him your going to do this). I thought I had stopped my husbands cheating only to have the Husband of the other women call me the night before both our family vacations. It was nice to talk to him and express our feelings to each other. I continued to talk to him for months, until he decided he was going to divorce his wife (he couldn’t take it anymore.) I stayed in my relationship but it has been hard. Trust is still and issue that comes up when he is on the computer. But now I have all his passwords, because he gave them to me. So I take one day at a time. you can too.
I just discovered the chat history of my husband with other women. the conversation revolved around sex and he talked behind my back. This happened when I was pregnant his first child, and just discovered this when my baby was 8 months plus.
I feel so devastated, and I don’t trust him at all. I feel cheated, above all I feel like to throw him away from life but at the same I don’t want people to know about this.
Been trying to talk to him about his but he kept saying he didnt remember at all.
I hate him.
To Noshi:
I’m so sorry you are going through this, I know exactly how you feel. The way I found out my husband was being dishonest was by finding emails that he and she wrote to each other.
What you need to do is forward that chat history to your email or print it out so you have proof to show him.
I would also install a keylogger on your computer to gain his user names and passwords to look into his email to find if there is more going on. You can down load a free one just google free keyloggers.
He needs to see the proof that you have so he can’t lie to you anymore. He has to take responsibility for his own actions.
I have small children to with my husband too so I feel your pain, but just know that every day it does get better and you will get through this.
We have decided to see a therapist, I would recommend that you do that too it has been very helpful.
Be strong when you talk to him don’t show him that you are weak, let him know that he needs to be honest with you.
Good Luck and I hope that you find some comfort, or at least know you are not alone.
jessie
I came across this article and read the posts. I thought for so long that I was the only one that has ever gone through this. It makes me feel a little better to know that I really am NOT ALONE. My story began all most 5 years ago this December. My husband and I had tried for 6 years to have a baby and just could not do this on our own so we went through infertility treatments. We finally got pregnant Oct 2006. We were so overjoyed that we finally were going to have a baby. We were in a good part of our life (or so I thought). We just moved into our very first new home and we were expecting. I was so happy. 3 months into the pregnancy we found out that my dad had terminal cancer. I thought my world was coming down around me. Then the next thing I knew my husband started to change. He would get mad so easily. We were fighting so much that I ended up starting to have this nagging feeling that there was someone else which I confronted him on and he denied. We had a horrible fight one day that I ended up packing a bag for the first time and went to my parents to spend the night. My husband was telling me that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay together. That feeling that there was SOME ONE else was becoming stronger as the day went on. I spent the night at my parents and had woken up early, 5am or so. I had called him at home and something just didn’t seem right while I was on the phone. I got dressed, told my parents I was going home to talk it out with my husband. Needless to say I ended up catching him cheating on me. He admitted that they spent some time together the night before and said all they did was kiss. When we moved in we found out that we moved next to this woman and her husband that my husband had went to school with. This woman I had gotten to know, I had invited into my home and allowed my husband to go on a 4 wheeling outing with her. She knew I was expecting and that my father was just diagnosis with terminal cancer. That didn’t stop them…. Two days later I ended up calling the OW husband to tell him but he had already known and informed me that my husband lied again to me and that my husband had slept with her that night in my new home and that when I had called him that morning she was sitting right next to him. I thought my world was coming to an end. How could my husband of 6 years have an affair just after we found out that we were expecting and I was losing my dad at the same time. He has never told me why he did what he did. I didn’t know what I wanted to do at that time, to leave him and raise our child on my own or try and work it out. We ended up going through marriage counseling, which helped but the pain is still there almost 5 years later. This morning my mind had wondered and I started thinking about what he did all over again and the tears started to fall. I think about how strong of a person I thought I was back then and that I was so confident about myself imagine. After I found out about my husband’s affair I lost a part of me back then. I am now self-conscious about myself in the way I look and I feel so weak. I don’t trust anyone any more. I look at life so differently now, more in a negative way that is. He has sworn that he will never hurt my like that again as long as we are alive and that he deserves nothing from me. I still love him with all my heart. I am just so sorry for all you out there that has gone through this. I wish I could give you all a hug. Just know you are not alone. Thank you for letting me share my story.
Amber, We all loose a part of ourselves through our husband doings.
They hurt us so deeply that we can’t forget! I still haven’t forgiven him but have forgiven myself because this was not my fault!!!!! It’s been 4yrs for me too and every day I remember what he has done to me down to the day August 7 2007. I too still love my husband but sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing by staying. I am out of work because of him. I just couldn’t do my job anymore with all the stress, so I was fired two yrs ago So with two mortgages and two Autistic boys (men now, 18 and 21yrs old) I feel trapped and also feel less worthty to move on without his support financially. He makes a good income and we live a good life and the boys feel supported to have a home that will always be theirs even when I am dead and gone. That is my main reason for staying, my boys! this site also lets us vent which is sometimes more therapeutic than any therapist can do.
Lisa P, I am so sorry for your situation. I know it’s hard and for a long time I thought I would get fired because this takes so much from you. You become addicted to the situation, if that makes since…. There are days where I cannot concentrate at work, today being one of them, that I just try and find ways to help and understand why this happened. My husband says he is so sorry for putting us through this but do I believe him? He said he has never cheated before then, do I believe him? Nope, not at all. Will he do it again? I pray he doesn’t. This was one of the hardest things I ever had to face besides losing my dad. I still feel emotionally exhausted. I too talked to the OW husband for months afterwards. They ended up divorcing right away and he suggested I do the same but my situation was different then his. I was expecting and they had no kids to think about. I remember the night just after this came out that the OW husband had called our home and left a message on our voicemail for my husband. My husband just sat there and started to cry, I think knowing he not only messed up things with our family but he hurt someone else with his and her affair that I don’t believe he thought about when they were having their fun. I have not spoken to the OW husband for many years now but think of him often and hope he has moved on and is happy now. I believe he still lives in our town and has remarried since. As for the OW, well I still think that if I see her on the street someday it would take every bit of strength I have not to hurt her. I have contemplated so many times to contact her via messaging to tell her how I feel but I haven’t gotten the carriage to do so.
You know what I don’t get every time I think about what happened to me, and what has happened to all of you..
I think about the women that did this to us.
I guess they don’t understand or have never had this done to them.
The women almost disgust me more than our husbands. You would think that women would be compassionate especially when the man they are having an affair with has a wife, kids, or a wife that is pregnant.
It just blows me away how evil some people can be, like some women seek out men that are married because they are more appealing because they are committed. WTF
I will never understand that..
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
I know what you mean Jessie. I know the OW in my situation said that the affair was my fault that it happened. I remember coming home that morning and meeting up with my husband on the road (because he was on his way to bring me home after I left and stayed at my parents that night) and me confronting him on the side of the road. He admitted to only kiss the OW the night before. That was enough for me to drive to her house and confront her. Mind you this was before I know that she slept with my husband in my house that same night. I remember her saying that she didn’t do anything wrong and that it was all my husbands fault. Then to find out that the next day when he was still talking with her that this whole thing was my fault. Like you said you think they should be campassionate people because they are woman but they are just ast cold hearted as anyone else as long as they are getting what they wanted. They are just as selfish as our husbands are but they get off with out any consiquences for their actions.
Amber, Jessie, We will never understand the OW! My husbands OW lived in Chicago us in CA. His affairs were on line. His OW ended up divorced after her husband found out about my husband and her though they had 3 girls under the age of 7yrs old. She later found a boyfriend but wasn’t in love with him so she dumped him then found another guy got pregant and had his kid and he didn’t want anything to do with it or her so he left before she had it! Pay back is a Bitch sometimes. Now she has NO one and is alone with 4 little girls! Karma too!
Lisa and Amber:
What goes around comes around I truly believe that. I know my husbands OW’s will get what they deserve, I’m pretty sure they are miserable human beings.
Lisa I’m so glad your husbands OW got what she deserved emptiness, loneliness, and aggravation.
Amber, I hope yours gets that too, how despicable that she lived next door and would go over your house to be with your husband and then tell you it was your fault… while you were pregnant non the less.
I think you are right we will never understand them. The are selfish, cold hearted, and a disgrace to call themselves women…
It’s just one of those things that really urks me..
Thanks for the vent session
It really makes me sad to read all of these stories that you ladies shared on her. I too shared my story here: http://www.acheatinghusband.com/about/
It’s been almost 3 months since I found out that my husband cheated on me with another service member. She works with him and she knew that he was married with 2 kids. But that didn’t stop her or made her think twice. Now I don’t blame this OW at all because at the end of the day I am married to my husband and not her. He is the one that I am tied too and the one that I have to deal with. He is also the one that didn’t held on to the end of his vows when I did. And for that he is the one to blame for his actions and no one else.
We started to have trouble in our married when I got pregnant with my second child. Things just started to go downhill and we would argue a lot. Mainly over little things like dishes, trash, socks etc. Things that we shouldn’t even be arguing about, but we did. Even though we did argue that doesn’t give him the right to cheat on me. He straight disrespected me and betrayed me in the worst way possible. When I found out I felt like he was someone that I didn’t even know. Like a stranger that is just in front of me. I was filled with so much hate, disappointment and sadness, that it took over my “in love stage” with him. I do love him dearly, but the in love part is clouded with other things now.
I’ve been with him for about 6 years now and married for 4 years. We been through everything together. I was always the one there for him through thick and thin. I was the one to send him care packages and was the one who writes to him when he was at boot camp. I am the one that rise his children while he is out at sea and this is what I am repay with in the end, because we had our little argument and he couldn’t talk to me like a real man would.
I found out through text messages. We had an argument that night and he left the house. I took the keys from him because he’s been drinking and I didn’t want him to drive drunk. He ended up calling her and she didn’t pick up I guess. So he came back home that night and around 2am when I went to go to the bathroom I came back into the room and his phone light was on. I checked the phone and it was the other women texting him. That’s when I woke him up and ask him who is this and he was like that’s my friend being “gay” messing around with me. Really at 2am?? So I let it go until 9am that morning she proceed to still text him in that “baby” way and I knew right than and there he was cheating on me.
When he got caught by me he swear up and down that he did not have sex with the OW. But I knew him to well and I can see through his bullshit. I went to the doctor the next week to get tested because I don’t believe a word that he said. I went to get tested on a Thursday and the doctor called me back the next day. I was so nervous when my doctor called. He told me that I was negative for everything but Chlamydia. That’s when I knew that I was right all along. That I wasn’t going crazy when I had a feeling that he was cheating on me. That’s when I started to blame myself for not believing my doubts. And for believing him when he would say that I am crazy and that I am thinking way to much.
I proceed to confront him again, given him one last chance to confess and tell me the truth. So I went to his ship and told him that he better be there when I get there because I knew he came out of work early that day. But he didn’t call me to pick him up because he was helping his boy moved (which I don’t believe). So I got to his ship and 15 mins later he showed up in his boys car. We went into our car and I asked him one last time (hoping that he would finally tell me the truth) did you have sex with that bitch (excuse my rage)? And he proceed to swear at me saying that “I didn’t fucking fuck her, I told you I didn’t fuck her!”. That’s when I got really furious and I yelled back “Than why the fuck do I have Chlamydia?”. He had nothing else to say. He couldn’t lie anymore, there was no point (so I thought).
The next following week, I heard from shipmates and wives of shipmates telling me that the OW that my husband was having an affair with was not on the ship anymore. I asked them why and they told me that it’s because she is pregnant and that’s why they sent her off the ship. The part that I am really pissed about is that he couldn’t have the balls to tell me himself that the bitch was pregnant. I had to hear it from other people. I was now in my devastated stage, not only did my husband cheated and gave me and STD. He also got the OW pregnant. I felt more sad for my kids. Because I wanted them to have a happy family. A family with a mother and father. He took that from my kids. He took the happy ending that I wanted for my babies. I don’t deserve this and neither does my kids.
I am in the process of getting everything together so that I can move back home to the East Coast with my kids. I need time away from him. Everyone that I’ve told about my situation would tell me to leave him. But no one would understand until they are put in this situation. They will never understand us and why we choose to stick around with our cheating husband. They will never know what it’s like to have everything and then lose it the moment his actions are no longer in the dark. They could only say what they would do. But I tell them all the time, it’s easier being said than done.
I want you ladies to know that just because you choose to stick around with your cheating husband doesn’t make you weak!! It just show how strong of a woman you really are! Don’t ever let his wrong doing take over your self-esteem. Don’t let it effect your beauty and passion for life. Especially your kids (if you have any). They deserve to have a happy mother. When your happy, your kids will be happy. And remember nothing makes anyone more mad than seeing you happy and they don’t know why. Show him that your strong and that what he did will not affect you. You will learn from this and become wiser. You will see life in a different angle. Trust me this is an eye opening event in my life. It made me realized that even when you think you know someone, you better think twice. Because in the end you might not know them to well after all. Show that sucker what he’s missing and that you are the BEST that he will ever come across in his lifetime. I am not being cocky, just confident. But I know that he will never find no other like me. I am a one of a kind and there will be no other love like mines. And guess what? That’s his lost and not mines.
So Ladies, you guys are beautiful!!!! Don’t ever forget that. I know that it’s tough now and everyone will get over this on their on time. Whether you choose to stay or leave is entirely up to you and no one else. He might tell you to stay and it would make you stay in my limbo stage. But remember to do it on your own terms, don’t let other influence your decisions. Think about your kids and don’t let your rage take over. I hope my story and me sharing my thoughts will help you ladies out. BE STRONG AND BEAUTIFUL and don’t every let him blame you for his cheating. And last but not least don’t BLAME YOURSELF for his selfishness!!!!
-Bebe
Bebe, thank you for your words of strength, love and pride! Today I forgave my husband for his affair, because I still Love him. How could I love someone who I couldn’t forgive? That was my question. I must have done it without knowing. I did blame myself for awhile but not for long. I did not make him cheat he did do that on his own. Women are stronger than we think. I came across this and thought I would post it here for all women to read.
A little boy asked his mother, “Why are you crying?” “Because I’m a woman,” she told him.
“I don’t understand,” he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, “And you never will.”
Later the little boy asked his father, “Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?”
“All women cry for no reason,” was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.
Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, “God, why do women cry so easily?”
God said, “When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,
yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.”
“You see my son,” said God, “the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart – the place where love resides.”
Forgive yourself and you can forgive others too.
Lisa: Just know that you are a strong woman for even taking the step to even forgive him. I myself haven’t took it to that level yet. I just feel like he hasn’t learn his lesson yet and he needs to know what it feels like to not have your family by your side because of your actions. He’s remorseful, embarrassed, disappointed etc. But it’s the little things that he still do that makes me wonder if he is still stuck in his little ways.
I recently stumble across a quote and I thought about us (women):
“Everyone wants to feel like they’re worth something. The problem is, we constantly rely on other people to make us feel like we are instead of ourselves.”
And it’s so true. Take this time to focus on yourself!!! Make sure you put yourself first before you worry about him. Care about your feelings and what you want in life. And never let this little bump in the road define your life or the way you want your life to be like. I am honestly more focus on myself now than ever. But of course my kids always come first. But I am going to start college soon and I am going to go back to work when I am back in the East Coast. I told him that I am doing this for ME and that I hope that he would understand. And of course he do and he’s upset (but who wouldn’t be if there family is leaving them). But how I see it is he made is bed, so now he’s going to lie in it all by himself. I will not let him bring me down with him. He needs to work on himself, he has to want to change. I cannot change him or his ways. I can only change myself. And that is the honest truth!!
To Nina:
It seems like your husband had some type of thing going on while you were pregnant, which is hurtful. And it seems he is actin normal now. I guess it’s good that he has not touched facebook since Feb but I know the feeling you get when you look on FB and see him flirting with other girls (because my husband did it), it just changes everything. A couple of things, if he is a good father, he is a good father, meaning if both of you argue or get upset, he should still be a good father. So you should not feel that you have to tiptoe because he is acting good.
The problem comes in with you. I feel that you are going to suppress your feeling around this and that can only go on for so long before it has an impact, which is called stress, in my opinion, over time, stress becomes physical, and that is not good. So our of concern and in trying to prevent that from happening to you, I think you should address it.
You don’t need to come home demanding things from him, start with yourself and think about what you are feeling and why you are feeling it. In order to get to these feelings, you might need to ask you husband for a break so you can think. Once you are ready, you can do a couple of things, when the timing if right for both of you, you can tell him that you have been thinking alot around your behavior earlier in the year and you are having a hard time understanding it. You don’t necessarily need to tell him about fb and all of that, just tell him how you feel and see how he reacts to just that. Try to see if he is even open for discussion. You should be able to talk to him. Don’t stress out about if he did or didn’t (because you might not ever know), focus on how his behavior made you feel. Another potential option is personal therapy for you. But my hope is that both of you can talk as a couple because if you don’t, those suppressed feelings are not good for you personally and if he ever acts like that again, it is going to take a toll on you because not only will you have to deal with a new situation, those old feelings that you suppressed will be right there as well. Take Care.
Hello Heartbroken,
I remember being pregnant and finding out about the affair, to the man that no one would ever thing would have an affair. I just couldn’t believe that he would do that, not my husband, is this a dream? It’s really traumatic because you think – Man, I never thought he would do something like this, what else is he hiding? So what is probably going to happen is he is going to tell you it was just fun texting, ect. It was not anything serious, that he is sorry and wants to work things out. If you talk (I know you probably already have at this point), make sure he understands that the marriage is now on the line and HE has to figure out how to fix this, and if he doesn’t, it’s over. And then sit there and see what he does in the next day or two. If your marriage has a chance to survive it is going to take every ounce of hard work that your husband has to repair it. You are with child, and it’s not your role right now to take the lead. He knows you know, now watch. He will tell you everything by his actions. Lastly, don’t feel obligated to make any major decisions right now, I know it’s so painful for you to experience this at a time where you are suppose to be so happy about your little one. See what he does, make sure he pampers you and does whatever you need to make you comfortable right now. As you observe, I hope he makes an effort to repair the marriage, keep in touch.
Hello Noshi,
Nothing is more frustrating than knowing or having proof of something and the person denying it. So so frustrating!! If he can’t even talk to you about it then he won’t even help you through this, which is sad because that is your husband, he should at least take time to try to understand. What he is doing is saying he didn’t remember because he doesn’t have the guts to talk about it. So his response is not about you, it’s about him being selfish, so just know that.
When you say you feel like to throw him away from life I am assuming you mean leave the marriage. I know it’s embarrassing, and I encourage you like Jessie say to see a therapist, because keeping those emotions of hate bottled up is not good at all. In time you will have to make a call if the pain and emotions you have are bigger than the embarrassment you will feel if you leave (and by the way, you are not obligated to tell anyone the full story if you decide to leave, you tell people what you are comfortable sharing). And I am not trying to get you to leave, I just don’t want you to harbor hate in your heart for long with someone you have to look at everyday, unfortunately it impacts you.
Hello Amber,
I am glad that that site made you not feel so alone, that is exactly why I created it. As far as your relationship, it seems like you went to counseling to help with the marriage. There are always two recoveries in every affair within marriage. The first is the recovery of the marriage (you and your husband talking about it, working through trust, ect.). The second recovery is the recovery of YOU, your personal journey of affair recovery. This deals with understanding your personal feeling around this, dealing with how this impacted you as a person, outside of the marriage. And you story really sticks out as one where Amber focused on her marriage recovery, and not her personal one (which is what most women do, so you are not alone). So I think it’s time (and long overdue) for you to start focusing on Amber and how Amber is feeling, I want the Amber to come alive that you known before the affair. In order to do that Amber YOU have to make how YOU feel a priority. Again, you have to make how YOU feel a priority. Because how you feel impacts the marriage, the kids everything. So if I were in your shoes, I would start off by telling your husband that you are feeling kinda down and need some time to yourself to sort out your emotions. You don’t have to say ‘because you cheated I am not myself, ect.’, just tell him you are not feeling like the person you know you are. Ask him if he will give you one day a week without the kids so you can think and focus on you, how you are feeling and what you need in order to get back to YOU. If he agrees during this time, think about what makes you smile, research personal counseling/therapy, read books that you like. Make yourself and what you like a priority once a week and I think that you will start to understand how making your feeling a priority will change everything. Best of luck!
I am 20 weeks pregnant and just found out last week that my husband cheated on me. I feel broken unloved and unappreciated. This is our first child together but between the two of us this will make 8 children. I want to make my marriage work but am so sad and think of almost nothing else right now. I spoke to her after it happened and she said doesn’t matter what I say it won’t make you feel better. He says won’t do it again. We have only been married for almost one year, if he can’t stay faithful for one year how am I supposed to believe he will be for the rest of our marriage. I need someone to talk to that can understand what I am going through. I feel so alone and really have no one to talk to. I am torturing myself and I don’t think I did anything wrong. Please help me understand, and maybe tell me if any of you have gone through this and actually had your marriage work out.
Hi there, i wrote in a while ago about my husband and finding so many things leading to what I was thinking was an affair. Well my worst fears came true this morning. I discovered many texts (hidden in iPhone blacklist) to an escort. I had my suspicions but never invisioned that he could actually have gone through and done this. I discovered that it started in May, he hired her once a week for several weeks and then they both decided to see each other in a date like setting and that they had feelings for each other. He ended it on Wednesday this week. My husband totally lied to the OW right down to the fact he was single, self employed, one child etc he created a whole fantasy life with her telling her all kinds of stories. Meanwhile every time i found something else he would say it was my imagination or was I really trying to ruin things. Basically made me feel crazy, all the while I am towards the end of my pregnancy with a baby we both so desperately wanted. He finally had to come clean because i read the messages, he grabbed the phone so quickly and told me not to read anymore as i would only get upset at the content. I am disgusted, i cant stop crying and I don’t know who he is anymore. What happened to the warm loving and caring man i fell in love with? I at least now have the truth and I have also contacted this woman and she quite easily told me anything I wanted to know which has been helpful to some degree in keeping his facts in check.
Ladies I just want to say that if you have a gut feeling or find some suspect things leading to an affair then it probably is as bad as you think it is. I am sorry to say that but follow your gut.
So now I am faced with what to do. He called our counsellor and made an urgent apt for Monday, do I go or not? I feel like running away with my son and never looking back. He swears he will get help and fix it all, do i or can i believe him? I am so torn because of our boy but I need to be happy, my son deserves a happy mommy. Thoughts?
Dear Ladies,
I too have experienced a cheating other half and thought I’d give my opinion. My boyfriend cheated on me on the first year of our relationship. Things were not serious but I was still hurt and it took me a long time to get over it. I am one of the lucky ones. He came from a restricted background so the whole experience was new to him which is why I gave him a chance to get it out of his system. It worked. There are things you notice which doesn’t seem right. Little things like hiding cell phones, emails, IMs etc etc.. Now he leaves his emails open for me to see and I can easily access his cell phone. Slowly, I stopped checking because I didn’t feel the need to. We’ve been together almost 4 years and we’re both very happy together and I have forgotten about those bad memories. They don’t bother or torture me anymore.
To be honest, even though I am very happy, in hindsight I should have left when he cheated on me, which is the advice I would give to you all. It will save you from the hurt when/if he does it again and the sooner you leave the quicker you will get over it. I am not married. I can up and leave if I want to. I do not have children. But a marriage should be sacred and between two people. Which is why I believe you should end things as soon as you find out you’ve been cheated on. Things are different in this generation. Women are stronger and they have more options. You can find more support these days. You do not need a man to provide financial support.
Honestly, women who knowingly interfere with a relationship really sicken me. It takes two to tango. Some women like to chase after a man who is already with someone because it is a game for them to see if they can grab the guy’s attention.
For those ladies finding it hard to leave their cheating husbands – I know this is not morally good, but what makes it easier is finding a new man. Believe it or not there ARE great faithful men out there who will treat you right and never even think about cheating on you. Those men will tell the hottest sexiest girls to F off because they will not have any interest in any women apart from you. What also might make it easier is the thrill of a new relationship. Remember that?
I know some of you want to stay and make things work but heck – those cheating husbands are not worthy of you and they do not deserve another chance! You already know that don’t you?
Ladies, you deserve better! Don’t give yourselves the stress of dealing with cheating hubbies. The sooner you get out the better it is for you.
Hello Lady Dragonfly,
Sorry to hear about your situation, it’s impacting so many lives when you think about the kids. Every woman here can relate to you. The extreme emotions, the feeling like you are going crazy, the overwhelming decision to stay or leave. If you just found out last week, I usually advise not to make any decisions to stay or leave at this time, your too emotional and need time to get out of shock before thinking about staying/leaving the marriage.
I will tell you it’s not going to be enough for him to just say it won’t happen again. In order to get YOU back, if you decide to stay he is going to have to step it up big time. No more hiding cell phones or emails, it had to be open. I encourage you to get some therapy or counseling (I know it’s tough with kids but if you can squeeze any time for this, it would be worth it). I understand how you feel in that he cheated so soon, it’s devastating, but you will get through it. There are women, including me who got through it. And yes there are stories of people who stayed together. One is on my positive recovery story section of the site (the link it below). Unfortunately the others are mixed into the hundreds of comments. I will try to get more success stories to post, it’s just a matter of me being persistence in asking those I know are in a better place now. I wish you the best.
http://www.acheatinghusband.com/positive-recovery-stories/
-Jewels
Hello Lost,
Sorry your gut feeling was true, it often is but sometimes we want to deny it. I went through the entire ‘he made me feel crazy thing’. I am not sure about you, but after I found out the truth, I was furious for him making me feel like I was paranoid. I was also so angry that he always accused me of cheating, and here he is cheating. So you just found out Lost, no need to decide right now if you are going to stay or leave, it’s too early and you are not in the best emotional state to make such a decision. I do not think it’s a bad idea to go to counseling, he fact that he called is a good sign. He should be leading this effort to mend the marriage, not you. I would try to get in tune with your feelings. Maybe he should take the lead on watching the son you have together so that you can get a break. When our bodes are faced with stressful situations, you need more time to build yourself back up. Your in the devastation period, which is full of crying, anger frustration and confusion.
Woman to Woman,
Thanks for the encouragement. All of the ladies on the site need to hear that there are faithful men out there, I am so glad you made that comment.
Women stay for so many reasons, kids and money is the big one. Some are stay at home moms and need to get a job before leaving, so don’t want to break up the family because of the kids. And many are downright scared to leave, because of money, kids, and the feeling of no support. That was me, when you are married the impact of leaving is so huge, and I wasn’t sure I could handle it, but I did.
I left, and I am SO much happier. Because men cheat for many reasons, I typically say if you catch him, depending on many factors (one night stand vs. relationship), ect. ect., thinks could work out. But if they cheat the second time, i don’t recommend staying. Anyways, thanks again for the insight.
Dear Woman to Woman,
I can totally relate. Just found out last night that my husband had unprotected oral sex with a prostitue over the weekend while away with friends for the night. I am 31 weeks pregnant with our second child. I am absolutely devasted and scared. We have been together for 10 years and have never had anything like this happen. I really thought I was so lucky having one of the “good guys.” I cannot believe he could betray me and our family like this. And of course I am really worried about STDs. Luckily he told me right away so I obviously will be avoiding him and I don’t have to worry about STDs for myself. I’m confused too because we’ve been more adventurous in our sex life this pregnancy. And oral sex was actively happening in our relationship. I can’t understand why he would do this. And I feel like I can’t tell anyone because it’s way too shameful…
Have him get test ASAP and show you the report. Before you have sex with him again you need to protect yourself and your unborn child. Make him take more than 1! I had a girlfriend make her husband take 4 in a 7months time period and still didn’t have sex with him until 1yrs later. (but he was a crack head and had sex with other crack heads) How did you come about to this info? Did he feel guilty? Just remember this is not your fault! He might try and twist it around to you and make you feel bad. Do not fall for it, he made the decision to cheat not you!
Thanks Lisa. He is getting tested today and I definitely won’t be having sex with him anytime soon. I know some stds can take a while to show up and I don’t want to be near him right now anyway. He is freaking out about the possibility of disease. He feels terrible and has been begging my forgiveness, sobbing, and taking total responsibility. As soon as he came home he fessed up on his own. He was out of town, very drunk and got propositioned on the street by this woman and took her up on it. He really can’t explain why and says he has been very happy in our marriage and with our expanding family. (He seemed happy to me too!) He lost his virginity to me but I had been with someone else before him. It has always bothered him and I think made him feel somehow sexually inadequate. I can’t help but think that played a role in this.
I’m so angry and crushed I can barely look at him. He is terrified about losing us and hasn’t slept in days. I guess I should be glad that he is so distraught over it but when he cries I just feel angry. This is just beyond painful.
At least he feels remorsfull! Mine didn’t for months! Then years! He went back and forth saying it was my fault, then he said it was his. Never fully remorsefull about it untill the end when I caught him texting the OW again. I told him to get out of the house and he begged my not to throw him out. He slept on the couch for 4 weeks without me speaking to him unless I had too. That hurt him more than my evil eyes stare when I had to look at him . I had so much hate for the man he finally begged and begged me to not divorce him.
I’m so sorry that sounds like a nightmare! My husband is currently sleeping in another room. I just don’t want him in our bed right now. I’m so angry that this happened when I am pregnant and already drained, not to mention tired from having to run after our toddler. I feel like it is going to taint the rest of my pregnancy and the birth of our child. Labor was such a great bonding experience for us the first time and since this happened I am dreading going through it again.
Hello All mixed up,
It seems like your husband made a huge mistake which is going to impact the marriage. Did he tell you right away before you had sex (I know the oral thing is still an issue). I know many women who found out their husband’s cheated by getting an STD and the husband never said a word, so him taking responsibility, actually feeling bad, and telling you so soon is a good sign. My husband cheated with my second as well, and it is a very painful time. I was so upset and I couldn’t grieve like I wanted to because I was pregnant and had a small child to run after, doesn’t leave much room for handling the affair. Tell your husband to drive the resolution. Tell him to go to the bookstore and maybe get a book on affair recovery. If he doesn’t feel comfortable maybe sign up for counseling. You have to feel comfortable that he is committed, and you can do that by having him lead the effort. Also, if he is committed, he needs to give you break time with the kids so that you can start healing. Always two recoveries after an affair, the marriage (which your husband will lead), and your own (your personal thoughts and feelings). Make time for that. Peace. (Oh by the way, once you see your child, the experience won’t be tainted, it will be tough because you and your husband are not on good terms (make sure your husband helps out plenty!), but you will love the baby just the same, and your husband will as well.
Jewels thank you for your post and insights. It really helps. He did tell me right away so I luckily did not have any sexual contact with him whatsoever after the incident. I believe he is doing and saying all the right things right now for us to work towards recovery so that gives me hope. It is really hard to find the room to grieve like you said but he recognizes that I need time and space to deal with this.
Thank you also for you for your thoughts on the upcoming birth. That definitely makes me feel better!
I found out last night that my husband of three years has cheated on me twice. The first time was at his best friends bachelor party about two years ago right after the birth of our first son. And his most recent one was two in half months ago in Vegas at his other best friends bachelor party. I’m due in two weeks and I don’t even want him in the delivery room. We were high school sweethearts and have been together over 7 years. I was never the girl to stay with a cheater but with two kids, our religion, a mortgage, and me in nursing school I feel almost stuck. I can’t stop the tears and I have no one to really talk to about this, I feel so stupid, alone, violated, hurt, and broken. We went to our pastor but I don’t feel any comfort yet and don’t know where to go from here. I barely speak to him and it is killing me that his cheating is consuming my mind. I don’t know how I can heal from this. And if he loved me like he says and doesn’t want our family to split up then why do it…and twice. And the first one happened 2 years ago so he is capable of deception and lies, if I stay how long till I find out if he cheated again?
Broken heart:
I am so sorry to hear your story. That is such awful news to be hit with 2 weeks before your due date! No time to process all of this before the new baby comes. How did you find out about the affairs? Does your husband have any insight into why he did what he did? Remorse? It would definitely scare me that it’s happened twice. I think it is great you went to your pastor to at least talk to someone else about it. My guess is it will be a while before you can make any decision about whether to stay together or go your separate ways. Good luck and take care of yourself!
Men are such bastards! I am 8 months pregnant with my third child. My husband goes out all the time until 5am. Yesterday he told me he doesn’t love me anymore and he is leaving me. I don’t have a job anymore because a few months ago he wanted me to be at home with kids. Well all I can say is thanks, thanks for nothing!
I just stumbled across this website looking for some answers. My boyfriend and I are 3 weeks away from having our first baby together. I have another child that he had been an amazing step dad to up until the halloween weekend when my world came crashing down.
The story changed daily, first he thought the “fire” was out and he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me anymore or not.. then all of a sudden there was a girl he was texting but she was “just a friend” and it was innocent.. well if it’s so innocent show me the texts. We separated and he’s not living in my house right now but he’s been spending nights with me, then going to the bar to try to get with her. I managed to hack his cell the other day and found out who she was and got in touch with her on facebook.
Now he’s on the run, because she and I are talking and he is totally busted. They never slept together and she has no interest in him (which was why he came crawling back to me I’m sure) but he lied to us both and has been telling others he is single while trying to “work things out” with me.
I don’t know what to do. We are having a baby in 3 weeks. I’m relieved that at least I know the truth but I don’t know if I should take him back and try to work things out or just leave him. This has been so hard.
silivren, I am sorry you too are going through this! I just want to say take everything that OW says with a grain of salt. My husbands OW said the same thing to me but was still in contact with my husband for 4yrs. she will say what she needs to, to make you feel better but she could be playing you too. My husband told his OW we were divorced even after the two of them were busted. Her husband had the guts to divorce her and so she reached out again and again to my husband because he is weak (a man). He only thought of himself and his penis. They sexted for 4yrs and I have the cell phone bill to prove it. She is not your friend so just be aware of that!
Hello broken heart,
I am curious to know how you found out? If you found out just a few days ago you are in the dreadful devastation period. I will be honest with you, nothing at this time is going to make the pain go away because when you are in the devastation period, the pain is very raw. You might have trouble eating, sleeping, and getting the thoughts of cheating out of your mind. The good news is everyone here on this site has been through this stage and we have come out of it, and you will as well. It’s important during this time to try to make sure you EAT and get rest, because you have a child on the way, and I remember I had to force myself to eat with no appetite. Also no need to make any major decisions, it’s time to try to relax and see what emotions are popping to the surface. After the baby is born, make sure your husband helps out plenty, because you are going to need some time to just breathe and think. After about 1-2 months, you will start to feel not necessary better but more comfortable with your emotions. How is your husband reacting to this? He should be helping you to be comfortable in any way possible.
Hello lee,
Sorry to hear your husband is leaving you with 3 kids. I really hope you live in a place where the husband is still responsible for helping to raise kids even if he leaves, he should be helping to raise the kids.
Hello Silvren,
I am glad that you found out he is playing games, good that you know now, even with a baby on the way. Being that he is an amazing stepdad, I hope that he will be amazing father weather or not you stay with him or not. He should have some responsibility in raising the child. Honestly, if he is lying to you at this point and you are not married, I would proceed with great caution going too much further. The two main things here is that he kept changing his story (lying) and that he is now on the run. It is extremely hard to maintain a relationship that is working towards marriage if you are with someone that is running away when he is caught. He needs to own up and face what he did, if not, you will continue to have major problems. I know you mentioned there is another child involved, because of that and the new child on the way, you have more to think about than just do I stay with him or not, if you leave you also have to consider how this is done in a way that would have minimal impact to your first child. But with all that said, I would not make any major decisions now, get some rest, eat, and have this wonderful baby, the other drama will unfortunately be there after the baby is born.
i can’t believe that im making a comment on this site about my husband, i just never ever thought that it would happen to me!!! We have been together for 15years, we were very happy together, he was my world my everything, in 2007 i gave birth to a beautiful boy, life was great, in 2009, he wanted to get married so we did, i got pregnant in august 2010, i was delighted with the news, he was as well at the time, in february 2011 he went away for a weekend with his brother this involved taking a ferry, he came home a changed man, 3 weeks later i went through his phone to find a text message that wasn’t appropiate, i asked him about it and he said it was from a fella he worked with. Yea right im not a fucking fool. He had changed so much towards me, the way he used to look at me,he looked as if he would have loved if i was dead or something, i just had a feeling call it your gut, i was 35 weeks pregnant in april, and had been sick the previous week, been to the doctor and all, he had planned another weekend away, he asked if i would mind if he went, he and 2 friends, if he had to ask, i just knew that there was something up.
He came home after been away for the 2 nights with his “friend”, all smiles and everything, that lasted for about all of 12hours, it was horrible living with him, i just couldn’t believe that he was the same person that i married, 18months previous. I gave birth to our daughter in May, i was delighted all went brilliant, i was find and the baby was perfect. When we came home i thought that things would be different, but no they were worse, he took time off work after the baby was born, and when people came to visit us, he used to say he couldn’t wait to get back to work. This kept on for about 2 weeks after the baby was born, and then he had to work away from home on a night, this is when the penny dropped, she had arranged to travel to his work and spend the night with him, i tried contacting him on several occassions on that day and the following day, he seemed a bit tippsey on the previous night and i knew then that he wasn’t working nights. That evening when he came home, the form was good, ate his dinner, and said im going for a pint, and off he went. I went through his van to see could i find anything, it was spotless, and i found what i was looking for the phonebill. And there it was, texting every day, phone calls twice a week, it had confirmed everything, i could believe it, but at he same time i thought my world had fallen apart. I confronted him, and he said she was just a friend, someone to talk to, this went on for 4 days and then i contacted her, they had met the first weekend in february, they kissed, then he travelled back to see her in april, and they spent that weekend together and then 3 weeks after the baby was born. He has apologised and apologised everyday since, it ment nothing he has said, we have gone and are still going for counselling, i just don’t know is this the life i want now. He was everything to me and i just can’t stop thinking of the two of them together, how long more would this have continued for if i didn’t find out? i ask myself this question everyday, how did he do this to me, o i just need some support from people, women that have been through the same shit, and im 6 months into this now, does this go on for a life time of feeling like a fucking fool cause im still her, thanks for taking the time to read this. x x x
charlie, sorry to hear about your pain. the pain takes a LONG……….time to diminish but never goes away. It’s been 5yrs for me of his sexting and emails to adult websites and actual whores for hire, that he spoke to daily. Once in awhile I will think of something or something he does reminds me of how much of an ass my husband was. He only thought of himself and not the conscientious for his actions. Though our husbands thought only of themselves they have changed us forever. Sometime I feel stronger because of it and other times I feel like a fool because I stayed. My husband is and alcoholic and was having his affairs mostly when very drunk he states. But I do know for sure the first one was before he became a alcoholic. I don’t pitty him but just try to take care of myself first then the family and him last. He has destroyed the trust I use to have and the loving feeling that use to just flow out of me. He wants to stay with me and thanks me everyday that I didn’t throw him out. (sometimes I wish I did, when those bad days hit me) He is bettering himself through AA and is greatful everyday.
It just depends on how you want to live the rest of your life. You don’t have to make a decision now but in time you will know what to do. Take care, and keep us posted.
Thanks lisa, i have such a pain in my heart at the moment, the things that he has done, the lies, i never knew that he was capable of these, it just wasn’t in his nature. The OW never knew that he had a child and another one on the way,he has told me that it was none of her business, he had told her that our marriage wasn’t going well, the day i gave birth to our daughter, he was making arrangements to meet up with her for 3 weeks later, she was the last person he text the night she was born, coming home from the hospital the following day, he was texting her, he spent 1hour on the phone the day after that, we went to a wedding 2 weeks later and he spent an hour on the phone that night too, this would have been the first night in awhile that we would have spent together. he missed the registeration of his daughter cause he was with her. Im so sorry for going on and on but i just can’t handle this anger thats going on at the moment. She sent me on pictures of the two of them together, emails, text messages, and in all of these he was telling her just to give him time that they would be together, that he just needed more time. I have asked probably everyday WHY? he doesn’t know why, he didn’t love, he loves me, i mean everything to him, what b.s,. She told me that they had unprotected sex, he got tested straight away and all was ok, should i ask him to be tested again. I am sorry for going on and on, but i can’t talk to anybody else. Thanks XXX
Hello Charlie,
Welcome to the site. It seems like he was your world, best friends, great lovers, and then it all changed. It is strange how it changes, how the person you marry can act very different. The feeling that you are feeling will change based off many factors. The first factor is are you committed to staying married or leaving, if you can’t answer that’s ok, you are in the limbo stage and that stage is not real fun. In order to progress, you have to have a solid commitment. If you commit to staying and you find out he is still cheating, you can leave, but at least you know you gave it your best shot.
The other factor in your feeling is your husband. Is he doing everything in his power to try to make this work. If he putting forth the effort to make sure he starts to build trust. The more he does this. that will help.
Lastly, have you focused on your own recovery – always two recoveries in this situation, the recovery of the marriage and the recovery of self (your own thoughts and emotions). If you neglect your own self in this process, you will not feel good. Take care of yourself.
Mine cheated on me with a woman he was “fellowshipping with”. They believed that God brought them together and that they could feel his presence when they were together. He justified it by claiming that they never had sex. So I should believe this but not that, you were lying before but you swear it’s the truth that you’ve never had sex….It’s complete BS and he is a coward and a liar. I never thought that I would end up like this but have this baby growing inside of me who needs me and will love me more than he ever lied about doing. I kicked him out today after catching him at her house. I hope he’s happy in his new life because this one has no place for him any longer!!!!!
Allegro, Sorry to hear about your pain. Like us you now belong to a group of women whom have been hurt! My belief in God is somewhat different than others and everyone has there own way of believing. I just don’t see how God would even have the time to think of indiviuals in that way. Just like God doesn’t care about football but football players pray to him so they can win the game. Your husband is just looking for an excuse other than he was wrong for doing what he did. If they had sex or not it’s still cheating if he is hiding it. Men will never understand what we go through, the pain, the stress, and day to day lying. Ask him, would he like you to do this to him? What for his answer, the first thing would be NO, but then he will make and excuse that it would be ok because he is trying to make it ok for him. Hang in there you can get through this you are stronger than you know. At times it may not seam like it but you can get through this.
Allegro:
I’m sorry for what he put you through. With a baby coming, he should be staying with you and supporting you and giving you love, instead, he run away and give what you need to another woman. If he keeps doing that whenever he gets someone pregnant, then f*** him. He has no sense of responsibility.
Sex or no sex, he is still cheating. He is hurting you and your baby. His actions is inexcusable. If he can’t accept that his actions is wrong and does not work to change, he will keep doing it again and again and again. He will never learn.
Be strong girl. You can get through this. You can be strong, be strong, change yourself to become a better person for your baby and your future. Unlike him you are strong and you face your responsibilities. It would bring you happiness in the long run.
Hello Allegro,
Sorry to hear about this, it’s such an emotional situation when you are with child and have to deal with a cheating husband. I think it is a scapegoat to use his religion to justify his behavior, since when did God bring together people to sin and lie? I hope you have the support system for when the little one comes, don’t be bashful about reaching out for help.
Just ran across this site and couldn’t help but notice several posts…sorry didn’t read them all but based on what I did read I’m sure they followed suit.
As a 62 year old mom of three sons, and married more than once I promise I speak the truth.
My Mother who has since passed on, told me that all men will cheat eventually, it’s in a man’s nature. As a young brazen hussie, I took offense to that statement feeling like many young women, I had all the answers. No, that’s not right, and I can’t believe you said that Mom, you sound like you are defending a cheating man. She said…on the contrary, I am not defending them but if you are married and have children, sometimes you have to think with your head not your heart. Men have the nature to do that without having an emotional tie to the person…it’s their nature, she said.
As an older woman now, who has raised three son’s, two of which are married with children. Let me give you all some advice.
Babies are not the glue that holds a marriage together…at the wrong time in life they are the substance that tears the marriage apart. Right now, I have seen my son who was married for nine years, fall prey to a woman with three children who had claimed to be the best friend of my daughter-in-law. My son allowed this woman to break up his marriage and his wife did little to prevent it. Starting a family to soon at a young age, generally spells disaster at this particular time in life.
Years ago, people wed very young and started families as early as 15 or 16, remained married until they died. However, they did not have cell phones, designer drugs, facebook, internet, porn sites, chat sites….and women stayed home and took care of their families.
So in closing, statistically speaking, if they cheat once, they will cheat again…men don’t usually do this unless they are unhappy at home. When a woman puts all her emphasis on “kids” and “friends” and not “HIM”….they generally find someone that will.
It’s sad that this happens especially at this time because a woman does need the support of her husband. But beware, there are women in this world at this point in time that have no morals, that could care less about the small children they are affecting. The children are the victims. Women are resilient, they are tough…cmon, they have babies! The scars that are left on the babies become psychological hang-ups when children grow up.
Without honesty in a marriage…don’t count on anything spectacular. Remember….castles made of sand, fall in the sea…eventually__Jimi Hendrix
Hello Grandma Deb,
Thanks for the comment, yes times have changed. And do I believe cheated existed before technology, absolutley. It is worse now because back then you could do what your mom said, just know it’s going on but since you never saw or heard about it, it’s not in your face. Times have changed, when you see 3 months of text messages from your husband talking to another woman, that is a game-changer. When you get cell phone records, emails, ect. proving your husband is sleeping around with who knows what, that’s a game changer. I think in the past women may of looked the other way for several reasons, but today, once you see those traumatic images, you can not just look the other way. Also we have more serious diseases now that can impact people for the rest of their lives, so again looking the other way is extremely tough. The reality is sitting at home, cooking and getting pretty for our husband’s to come home doesn’t happen that much anymore. I do not think that men cheat because they are unhappy at home, men that have sex with their wives everyday cheat, it is more about them, how they handle their own issues, and what they feel with satisfy their lack of confidence within themselves. I don’t want women to get the impression that if they step up and do more then he won’t cheat, I think regardless of what you do, he can still cheat. And I also believe in a well rounded life, all my free time was with my kids and my husband, didn’t hang out with friends at all, and I don’t think that was healthy. Many women on the site dedicated their lives to their husband and stopped all communication with friends, and they still cheated and are completely devastated because they put everything into their husband and nothing went to them. It’s just a difficult situation all around, it really is. Thanks for sharing!
I have been married for 14 years and was 8 months pregnant with our 4th child when I found out my husband had been cheating on me. At first he was just acting out of character, not coming home on time, turning off his cell phone.. I pulled him to the side after about a week of this mess and told him I knew something was going on and demanded an answer to this change of his. He denied he was seeing some one but in turn tells me he doesn’t know if he wanted to be with me anymore. I was devastated at his answer and just couldn’t understand why after all these years and all the sudden he just wanted to throw it all away.. We argued and he left and stayed the night at his job in the parking lot which was im sure a lie.. My intuition kicked in and it just didn’t make any sense to me. The very next day he came home and it was his day off so I decided to pull a few tricks to get to the bottom of things.. I took off for the whole day and evening came home and went to bed. The next day I went online and pulled up our t mobile phone records and saw that he had been talking to the same number over and over again the whole day I was gone. I called the number and a woman answered and so I asked her how she new my husband and then she hung up in my face. I called him demanding who this woman was and he said she was a counsler.. Im like ok now you must really think im dumb.. So, I paid for a phone reversal and got the womans name.. It rang a bell so I decided to call his job and ask for the OW and low and behold she was the bartender at the restaurant he works at.. It took him two weeks of persistence to get the info out of him and the whole time I was a stressed out, couldn’t eat, sleep, mess…. I started to fear for the well being of my newborn baby.. So all in all they have been secrete good friends at work for over a year and started to sleep together for a few months before I busted him.. First reaction was shock and is this really happening to me and how could he do this to me while im carrying his baby and about to give birth… Then I tried to do all the things he liked to make him realize maybe what I meant to him. Then I got angry and punched him in the face one night due to the lack of disrespect he was showing me during a fight.. I know physical abuse is never the answer and there had never been abuse before in the marriage but it did feel good to pop him a good one in his eye! The whole time I was pregnant he went back in forth on his feeling with me, I want to make it work I don’t know if I want to make it work.. I got to a point where I just had enough and told him not to come home and didn’t answer his calls and within a few days he was back begging me to lets make this work. I did take him back thinking maybe I scared him.. Ive spend all together 16 years with this man who has been such a good husband up to this point that I did want to try to move past this. Due to all the stress I had picked up smoking at the end of my pregnancy that I had worked so hard to quit a 20 year habit. I had my baby early at 37 weeks and thank god she is a healthy little baby girl I named Amiya Lynn Hope.. She is now 12 days old, and he has been there for me thru the ordeal of everything trying to let me know he is there. BUT there are still alot of issues still.. 1 the OW changed her phone number so now I don’t know if they still communicate. 2 they work together 3 to 4 nights a week and he does not get off when he is suppose to all the time… 3 I cant seem to get over this and continue to bring her and him up its like im obsessed. I want to go down to his job and just bash her face in.. I wont but the fantasies I have of hurting this woman who is helping tear my family apart is really messing with my pride..I just recently put a tracker on his phone thru our cell phone company and I caught him in her neighborhood that is only 5 miles from his job.. Confronted him said he was just having Starbucks coffee and thinking.. AT that point I got on the phone and called a girlfriend of mine who owns an apt complex and am now moving on the 3rd of Jan with my kids the apt is in my name.. He says he wants to live with me and will commute the hour in a half one way to his job daily to prove he wants his family.. I am really scared… He does not show me much affection anymore, no more love making, he doesn’t even touch me or want me to touch him. I don’t know what the hell to do anymore.. I am a freaking mess!! I went to the doc and just got put on Zanex and Zoloft to help me with this funk I am in so I can be a stronger person…Last night another blow out happened and it got pretty darn deep when I said that I just didn’t want to be with him anymore.. He is begging me to try to make this work, due marriage counseling but I have this overwhelming feeling that this is not over with them. He had admitted to me before he was very attracted to her, and had some feelings for her.. Mind you she has no children, 34 and a bartender!! WTF??????? HELP ME PLEASE how do I save this marriage before its too late.. Everyone is effected not just me my children….
Hello Stephanie,
It sucks finding out like this, weeks away from having a child, the same thing happened to me. You seem to believe that it is not over, and I think that your intuition is trying to tell you something. Did she change her number to try to hide something? It does not seem like your husband gave you the warm and fuzzy that it’s over. I remember asking my husband to call this women if he wants to fight for his marriage and tell her it’s over – he stumbles, stuttered and couldn’t do it – seriously!!! The amazing thing about this is that you have more strength than you even realize. The fact that you are resourceful enough to get an apartment in your name is awesome. There might be some back and forth and do not feel bad if you end up going back and trying to work things out. The key in this is that he now has to put forth the effort to see you and win you back, so now this is forcing him to put forth the action it takes, if he wants to stay together. He should at least do it anyway to see his kids and of course give you a break so that you can have time to get yourself together, that is important. I know you asked how do you save your marriage, the first step is you have to find out if he wants to save it as well, it seems like he might be a little caught up in this OW, so you have to really talk to him and get to the meat of what he is feeling. It’s important because you do not want to be in a position where you are working hard, trying to make this change and he is not working as hard for the marriage, that is not a good place to be. Keep in touch, let us know if you end up moving how it goes, I wish you the best.
I found out when I was 3 months pregnant that my husband was having an affair. I am now almost due and I’m still not sure what to do.
The affair started 8 months prior to me finding out when I was pregnant with a baby that we had to terminate. He started dating her before we found out about the abnormal ultrasound and he continued to pursue her even during and after I had an operation to terminate the pregnancy. This was the hardest thing I had ever gone through and he was not there for me which was unlike him.
I was beginning to feel like myself again about 5 months later and we tried and got pregnant again. I thought our relationship was back on track. That we had gotten through some rough times and I was really excited to be pregnant again.
Just before the affair started and when I was pregnant with the last baby he had told me that he felt like my roommate. I agreed and said that we would work harder to reconnect and make time for us. We both work shifts and our kids were 18months apart. I had been back to work from mat leave for only a few months and I know it was hard on him. We decided to get a nanny to help. In the end the nanny only made it easier for him to see his girlfriend.
I really trusted him and never had any reason to suspect that he was cheating. Which is strange that I found out. I checked his phone and found texts he had sent her. Never before this had I checked his phone. Something told me to look.
At first I told him that I don’t need him and I can raise these kids without him. Cheating has always been unacceptable to me. I have never cheated or been cheated on before and I had always told him to have the decency to leave me instead of cheating. He had cheated on numerous girlfriends before me and I thought he had grown up and learned from his mistakes.
I reconsidered and told him that I would try to work this out for the sake of our kids and because I do love him. Since I found out however he has continued to lie to me about various things related to the affair. He says it was only to protect me but I know he was protecting himself. He told me he used protection but I got myself checked and I had an STD. This was humiliating. Especially being pregnant. I also found a statement of his credit card that showed him at a hotel the week after I found out about the affair, which he said he ended right away. He lied about when the affair happened and how long it had gone on for. I started to look into phone records and emails so I found out more than I expected. In the last 2 months I found that he was on a dating site and chatting (I have to admit innocently) to girls on his phone. I am concerned that in the time he should be rebuilding trust he is continuing to lie to me. I am trying to be understanding but I feel like there is only so much I can take. I don’t think he realizes what this has done to me. I think he feels it was justified because he was unhappy (which he relates I am responsible for not giving him enough attention). I really want this to work out but I don’t want him to walk all over me either. I told him I needed some space so he has been staying at his mom’s for a couple weeks now.
Since I started talking about separating he has been more loving and is really helping out more with the kids and the housework. I hate to say it but I don’t want to be stuck with 3 kids alone. Even separating I feel like he’s getting a vacation. I’m stuck with the kids, pregnant and getting up through the night. He gets peace and quiet.
I know he is expecting me to decide whether I want to stay or go before the baby comes next month but I’m still confused. I am really worried about his lies and history of cheating.
How do I decide what to do????
Stephanie I wished I punched my husband in the face! I know it is not right but I am sure it felt sooo good. They don’t know the pain they put us through! Plain and simple!
Go live in your apt and take it day by day. He has to prove to you that he deserves to be a part of your life. Then you can make your decision on whether to stay together or not. There is no rush in making the decision now!
Hello Confused,
The problem that stands out the most for me is that you are continuing to find him in lies. And don’t feel bad about the comment about raising kids alone – trust me when I tell you that was a HUGE factor in my decision. I only had two kids and the thought of raising them alone petrified me. Luckily, with my husband, I told him I needed some me time and he has to watch the kids during that time, and I would do the same for him. During that time where I watched the kids, I gained confidence in knowing that wow, maybe I could do this. Make sure that if you decide to separate, make sure you get the support you need, which might include a nanny to help you out, and days where daddy takes the kids. Those little breaks make a huge difference, fight for that time and those breaks, it will help with that fear of raising the kids alone. I kind of feel he is getting off the hook right now with the kid responsibility. Maybe ask him to come and help watch the kids 2 or 3 times a week to give you a full break, so that you can relax, that is the least he can do, then you won’t feel like you just signed up for more stress and work now that he is living with his mom. Best of luck, I just watched a story on TV of a women that had 4 kids, was going through a divorce, and met a wonderful man and got remarried, so all I am telling you is that you have options!! Take Care!
What good advice. I was also totally blind sided by his action…I only found out two months ago but every day is hard. And I just want to move on….
Wow! I’m fighting tears because I am so happy I found a wonderful site for my little sister. she just found out not long ago he’s been cheating and confessed to her that it was more than one occassion (by the way the b**** lives right around the corner from their house…did I mention they’re both in military?). I was crushed listening to my sister cry on the phone and when she would cry in my arms. I’m fighting tears now as I’m typing this. I can’t fathom this happening to anyone esp while they’re pregnant…and she’s expecting their THIRD daughter. There have been times where I just didn’t know what to say to her to make her feel better which absolutely kills me. I wish I could take her pain away. The most I could say to her was that this, too, shall pass; she will get through this; she’s not alone…we (meaning her family and close friends) are here for her; no matter what happens she will come out on top.
I’ve read your stories and if I could…I would hug each and every one of you. This too shall pass and things will get better. Believe it!
Hello Joy,
Welcome to the site, it is hard to move on, and your husband’s action can help or hurt progress. Two months unfortunately is still in the beginning of the recovery process, I hope in time you will grow as a person and within your marriage if you decide to stay.
Hello Emily, welcome to the site. If you sister visits, I hope she finds support here. There are several ladies on this site that also in the military or have an affiliation, visit this post http://www.acheatinghusband.com/?p=410 and view comments by Bebe, Lelani, and Theresa, so she is not alone.
I am so glad she told you, to experience this pain alone (many women do not tell anybody) is nothing short of horrible, so just know that without saying anything, you are doing enough by just being there and letting her cry.
Dealing with this and being pregnant and raising kids is really difficult, I had a tough time with it. Giving her a break from the kids would be a huge help, she needs to rest and eat, and I think giving her a break will make her understand she does have support. You are doing enough, just the fact that you found this site shows how much you care for her. I am confident with such a loving family she will get through this.
i have been with my husband for a year and ahalf and im seven and a half months pregnat. and twice i have found girls texting him things that only i should be saying to him sexuly and he said he never said anything back to them but you can tell that he did by how they responed back. when i told him that i found it he said he would deleat there numbers but the thing is why did he not tell them in the first place to stop texting him like that i have even called the girl and she didnt even know about me. so that rase more questions in my head. then i find things online as well. we are still together because im thinking of the baby more then anything. but i need some advice still im really haven a hard time with this.
i really need peace of mind
Hello Nena,
It’s a shame that our husbands lie like they do, it can literally drive you crazy. You are 7 and a half months crazy, there is no need to stress yourself out with this, you know in your heart something is not right, but your main priority now is the baby. There are little things that you can do to let him know that it’s not ok, for instance, asking him to wear a condom, if he can lie about texting girls, what else can he lie about? At the end of the day, you have to decide what is best, just use this time to reflect and observe, and once the baby comes, make sure he helps out and gives you breaks so that you can think about what you need to do, I wish you the peace of mind that you seek. Take Care.
Hello Jewels,
I thought I posted under this thread the other day but apparently sent you an email instead. I’ve been desperately waiting for a response but realize you must be overwhelmed with women, like me, trying to reach out to you. Thank you for everything you do here. Your ebook, btw, was fantastically put together!
I know every woman here feels like a fool for what our husbands did against us but I’m here to share with you all how I feel like the biggest FOOL of all times. Here’s my story! (dung dung – a little Law and Order humor)
My husband and I got married at 20 years old (together since 18). For the first 10 years of marriage (12 years together), my husband behaved very childish. Doing things that would make any woman leave. Hanging out at bars without me, strip clubs (lied about it), irresponsible with money, etc… The list (unfortunately) goes on and on…..
By year 12, we had three children and one on the way. A few months after finding out we were expecting our 4th child, my husband started behaving eratic, actually worse than what I was already used to. The bar scene seemed to become his new home. He would go to whatever bar directly from work and most times I wouldn’t see and/or hear from him until the wee hours of the morning. I was livid! I confronted him about his behavior and he couldn’t care less how he was making me feel. You know, “I’m just hanging out with the guys”, blah, blah, blah. I started to get very ill and my unborn child was taking a hit from all the stress I was feeling. I was having pain and what seemed like infection type symptoms. I also became diabetic. He didn’t seem to care. He never wanted to touch my belly when the baby moved nor did he care about my appointments.
One weekend, my husband wanted nothing more than to have sex over and over, like he couldn’t get enough of me. On Monday, he even cooked dinner for our little family. What I found out next when we went into our bedroom changed my life FOREVER. He actually said, “what would you say if I told you I was talking to someone else”? I don’t know why I reacted this way but I turned to him, said NO and started kissing him. He immediately backed away. One of my next questions was “are you having sex with her?” He said no, he could never do that to me. They were just new friends that talked because he felt we didn’t positively communicate with each other. I was pissed and said how do you expect us to communicate when you’re NEVER home? You’re constantly upsetting me so, of course we’re not “positively” communicating. Besides that, how does talking to someone else make OUR marriage better? YOU are the problem!
At this point, I struggled with his admission and questioned everything under the sun. I couldn’t get out of my head about the sex part. He was angry and mean and nasty towards me FOR NOTHING! He never behaved like that towards me before. My gut told me something more happened but I figured, what man confesses about an OW but lies about having sex with her. This is how I rationalized for the remainder of my pregnancy.
Two months after the birth of our child, my emotions went to the extremely angry side. I took all of my children and left. He begged me to come home and I refused unless he told me what I wanted to know. For starters, I wanted to know who this “person” was and I wanted to confront her. He gave me the information I wanted and I set up a meeting. The OW, in person, didn’t give me anything except when I asked her if she had sex with my husband, her eyes bugged out. I had to repeat the question and she said no. Deep down I knew she was lying. The next day I called her and lied that my husband told me the truth. She confirmed. I asked how many times were you two together. She paused and then said a few. She then said, “if its any consolation, IT wasn’t passionate”. Ok dumb ass, that makes me feel better!
Please note, I feel my husband betrayed me. The OW is just a worthless skank (older than me, btw) who was ok with sneaking around with a married man who had children and a pregnant wife. But to all you OW’s out there! You ARE 100% responsible for knowingly getting involved and making yourselves sexually available to a married man. You all, IMO, tend to deflect your responsibility in the ending chaos. Shame on you!! Enough about them.
These communications obviously started a whirlwind of emotions on both my and my husbands part. He denied PERFUSELY that they had sex a few times. He eventully said they left a bar together to continue drinking at the OW’s place (which is right down the street from us – he had to pass our street to get to her place). He said he was drunk off his ass and once there she touched his penis. He reacted and they started having protected sex (she supplied it). He was consumed with guilt, loss his erection and stopped. He told her he shouldn’t be there and had to get leave. After that night, which although I dont know the exact day, but I remember having a vision of him having sex with someone else (it broke my heart and I was crying when he got home), he came in the bedroom and was somehow different. For a few weeks after that he didn’t want to participate in family activities and would close himself off in a room until his admission a few weeks later.
Even though he eventually admitted to having sex (months had gone by) he took it back, saying I wouldn’t believe anything else so he “told me the only thing he thought I would accept”. Ladies, obviously this makes no sense but at that time, I couldn’t face reality.
Fast forward 14 YEARS! Yes, it’s been 14 years and like a fool, after several conversations off and on over the years, I forced myself to believe that he didn’t do it. He actually convinced me that he could NEVER do that to me because there was no reason to seek sex outside of our marriage because we had always been good in that area. In fact, the only area that things were good. Anyhoo, I continuously tried to force myself to believe him but I finally got to a mature place and realized he’s a LIAR. A few months ago I told him our marriage was over. He believed me. He took a few weeks to figure out what he should do but ultimately told me he did have sex with her. He told me the same story, drunk, started, consumed with guilt, couldn’t finish, left. I’m consumed with this. I was lied to for 14 years, why should I believe this IS the truth and what does it matter anyway (somehow it does). For 14 years his “guilt” allowed him to treat me like SHIT! He lied, deceived, addicted to porn (unbeknownst to me), called me disgusting names, etc… He even started fights with me quietly so when I responded to defend myself it made me look crazy and the bad one in the marriage to our kids. Again, I could go on and on.
He is SO remorseful now and actually hates himself for what he did to me and our family. He apologized that he treated me like garbage for 14 years and now realizes he tried to make himself less culpable for what he did against me, like somehow I deserved it or it was my fault. Even with his heart on the line and very raw with emotion, completely repentant, IT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I feel like I was duped and my decision to stay or leave was TAKEN from me. I feel trapped (financially) and I don’t know what to do. How do I forgive and move forward after not only being cheated on while I was pregnant with his child but then lied to for another 14 years about it? It’s like, now he’s “old” (and having man problems) that NOW he decides he wants a life with me? He claims he’s willing to do whatever it takes, and he has to some degree, but he still feels I’m preventing us from moving forward because I stay in my negative place. I know he’s right but he had 14 years to get over this. I technically had a few months. I haven’t really talked much about this and desperately need some logic in my life. Please Help! All comments are welcomed!
I forgot to mention, this OW actually tried making me feel compassionate towards her by telling me about how her EXhusband cheated on her and that she understood why I needed to see what she looked like. Really? This was almost comical. I only cared about the truth. It didn’t matter what she looked like, although I admit, most women do care. That was never MY goal, although, once I saw her I was physically disgusted by her appearance. Let me just say, she has BROWN teeth! How dare he!! I’m beyond hurt!
Hello Kimberly,
Hello there!! Yes I got your email, it just takes me a couple of days to respond
. Since you posted on the site as well I will just respond to the posting. I honestly think in reading your story, you are really asking about getting over the lying for 14 years about this woman, but really, I think the real issue is bigger than that. The real issue is that you have been with a man that has been mistreating you throughout the entire marriage in various ways. You feel broken and beaten down from years of drama with him. You can not ‘clean up’ years of hurt and pain in a couple of months. It’s more than just the lying about him cheating 14 years ago. Its about the anger that you feel trapped. It’s about the lying over the years, not just this time. It’s about him constantly not taking your feelings into account. It’s the fact that you feel used. It’s so much more than just the cheating.
If know you feel trapped, especially with the kids. Does he watch the kids sometimes while you take a break? I think that is what you need right now more than anything else, time to yourself so that you can build your self-esteem up. I would not advise you to walk out right now because your self-esteem has been beat up by him constantly putting your feelings to the side. It’s important to build yourself up so that you can accurately see the situation for what it is. If he is willing to do whatever it takes, tell him you need some time alone, maybe one night a week so you can get yourself together. During this time, get out of the house, go out with friends, go to an organizational meeting, just do something that puts a smile on yourself. Also spend some time alone thinking about your life, what you want, what is important to you. I know your husband just wants to act like nothing happened and get back to life, but in order for that possibility to exist, you need some time to think, and regain that confidence that I know is inside of you, it has just been pushed down from years of feeling like what you have to say does not matter, and it does matter. Take Care!!
First, thank you so much for taking the time to respond!
Second, you’re absolutely right! It is WAY more than being cheated on. I hope I conveyed that reality in my post??
However, right now because I’m basically in the discovery phase, albeit 14 years later, I’m CONSUMED with the fact that he cheated! ON TOP of everything else he has put me through. I feel stuck in that place and don’t know how to get out. For now, I feel the details of that time ARE important in my being able to recover and move forward in my life, with or without him.
Most important though, I’m ANGRY with myself for allowing this man to treat me disrespectfully! He has manipulated me for years and because I didn’t want my children to have the kind of life I had growing up, moving from place to place; being ripped out of schools only to have to start over at another one (no I’m not from a military family or divorced family), I tolerated and even enabled his REPREHENSIBLE behaviors. I’m no martyer so it pains me that I made the worse mistake in my life (staying with him and continueing to have kids with HIM). Our constant arguing has ABSOLUTELY impacted our kids in a negative way and for that I’m truly saddened!
However, I’m at a place in life where we no longer have young children so in answer to your question, our situation doesn’t require him to babysit. Our youngest is 14. I can come and go when I please, basically. Plus, due to a work related injury, I can no longer work, so I’m home everyday. This is a good thing because I have plenty of time to think over my life. It is a bad thing too because I have plenty of time to think! I would like to also mention, like you, I chose not to go out with girlfriends but for different reasons than you. I believed that going out without your spouse could eventually prove disasterous. Coupled with that, the few times that I did, he would use that as a reason why he should go out and (I felt) he would get back at me. I know, terrible! This is what being psychologically and emotionally abused looks like!
Right now, intellectually, I would do anything to be able to end the marriage and start over. Emotionally I am scared frozen. I have been with this man for 26 years! Financially, I have no income and no where to go. I don’t know where to turn. So when I say stuck, I really mean it. I can’t say unequivically whether or not I love my husband. The things he still does (I guess one would consider them minor in comparison) hurts me. Would I care if I didn’t love him? Would it hurt or bother me? I’m perplexed by these questions.
To make matters worse, it was recently discovered that my husband has ADD. These individuals suffering with the affliction don’t process information like you and I. It’s very frustrating dealing with someone that doesn’t see reality. This is NO excuse for any of his behaviors just a reflection of my daily frustrations.
Thanks for listening! You take care also!!