Today ladies I want to bring up the topic of finding out your husband cheated – a second time. When I was married, I was totally devastated when my husband cheated. After I got my sanity back, I made the decision to stay and work it out. He was not being as transparent as I would of liked (first clue something was off), but I said to myself, it’s ok, I will stop asking him about his whereabouts and to see his phone every minute. I sat him down and long story short said I am going to focus on working things out versus trying to see if you are still cheating, BUT if I catch you talking to the OW or cheating with anyone else – it’s over for good. Well, 2 months later, the OW got made at him and told me they were still engaged, I talked with my husband and it was true.
Now in that moment, that horrible, devastating moment (it hurts even more the second time), I thought back to what I had told him ‘If I ever catch you again, it’s over.’. I knew I had to stand by what I said. And I was scared and nervous and overwhelmed. I just had our second child and thought I would go crazy raising two kids alone without family around. I knew if I left I would go into foreclosure because the mortgage could not be paid without two incomes. I wasn’t even sure if I could support two kids on my own. But I knew I had to keep my word, if I didn’t, he would keep cheating because he would of called my bluff and thought to himself ‘she still took me back after what I said, she is not leaving’. He might not of ever said that, but subconsciously he might of thought that if I didn’t leave.
I told him I was leaving, but I couldn’t leave right away. I didn’t have the money, I didn’t have the mental capacity to handle moving, I didn’t have anything but the thought in my head that I was done with the marriage. I didn’t leave until over a year later. But I checked out of the marriage that day. I stop talking to him, I stopped communicating. I slowly but surely —–stopped loving him. I had to do that because loving him was killing me inside.
If you find out your husband cheats the first time – and you take him back, be willing to take a stand on what will happen if you find out his is still cheating. JB – one of the member of the community (thanks JB) said it perfectly in reference to communication after the affair . ‘One thing I do want to impress upon those that have this conversation, be ready to have it …it takes courage to say those words and be willing to have faith in yourself that you will live by your words no matter how painful it would be.’.
In reading her comment, I just now realized how important it was for me to set clear expectations with my ex-husband on what I will and will not tolerate if I took him back. It is critical and like JB said it takes courage, but it is a necessary conversation to have, if not, you run a great risk of having a partner who knows no consequence for cheating, which is a bad situation for everyone involved. Be strong ladies!