He had an affair – again

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He had an affair – again post image

Photo courtesy of ijustwanttobeperceivedthewayiam https://www.flickr.com/photos/67776729@N06/

Today ladies I want to bring up the topic of finding out your husband cheated – a second time. When I was married, I was totally devastated when my husband cheated. After I got my sanity back, I made the decision to stay and work it out. He was not being as transparent as I would of liked (first clue something was off), but I said to myself, it’s ok, I will stop asking him about his whereabouts and to see his phone every minute. I sat him down and long story short said I am going to focus on working things out versus trying to see if you are still cheating, BUT if I catch you talking to the OW or cheating with anyone else – it’s over for good. Well, 2 months later, the OW got made at him and told me they were still engaged, I talked with my husband and it was true.

Now in that moment, that horrible, devastating moment (it hurts even more the second time), I thought back to what I had told him ‘If I ever catch you again, it’s over.’. I knew I had to stand by what I said. And I was scared and nervous and overwhelmed. I just had our second child and thought I would go crazy raising two kids alone without family around. I knew if I left I would go into foreclosure because the mortgage could not be paid without two incomes. I wasn’t even sure if I could support two kids on my own. But I knew I had to keep my word, if I didn’t, he would keep cheating because he would of called my bluff and thought to himself ‘she still took me back after what I said, she is not leaving’. He might not of ever said that, but subconsciously he might of thought that if I didn’t leave.

I told him I was leaving, but I couldn’t leave right away. I didn’t have the money, I didn’t have the mental capacity to handle moving, I didn’t have anything but the thought in my head that I was done with the marriage. I didn’t leave until over a year later. But I checked out of the marriage that day. I stop talking to him, I stopped communicating. I slowly but surely —–stopped loving him. I had to do that because loving him was killing me inside.
If you find out your husband cheats the first time – and you take him back, be willing to take a stand on what will happen if you find out his is still cheating. JB – one of the member of the community (thanks JB) said it perfectly in reference to communication after the affair . ‘One thing I do want to impress upon those that have this conversation, be ready to have it …it takes courage to say those words and be willing to have faith in yourself that you will live by your words no matter how painful it would be.’.

In reading her comment, I just now realized how important it was for me to set clear expectations with my ex-husband on what I will and will not tolerate if I took him back. It is critical and like JB said it takes courage, but it is a necessary conversation to have, if not, you run a great risk of having a partner who knows no consequence for cheating, which is a bad situation for everyone involved. Be strong ladies!

  • Kathy June 10, 2013, 1:57 PM

    Hi Jewels, Im currently in a situation similar to yours…I fould out he was cheating on me with a girl we know from HS, she does not know me but I know of her. I had the proof from his own phone that he was talking sex with this girl and photos too. He still denied it but he apologized too for being so stupid for that. He blamed it on his friend. I know what is true, you just know. I gave him a second chance, he pleaded and wrote me that he was very sorry. I live with him right now, we have been living together for almost two years and this happend in March of this year. Before we got into a fight about what he did, I had his facebook password, and when all this happened well we changed our passwords and now I dont have access to his or does he to mine. He has not asked me for mine since the incedent and probably because he knkow I will ask him for his, but I dont trust him and I want to ask because I know he has been sending private messages to girls behind my back. I love him, I do, he is kind when things are great in the relationship. He might not be perfect but I have a roof over my head for me and my son (his stepson BTW) because he works two jobs. I am not happy and I dont know how I would afford to leave. I guess Im trying to make things work for us. The only thing is that I cant ever trust him again. He know if he texts people through his phone and even if he deletes them I will find it so he hasnt done that, the other thing I’m thing is that since he is on facebook all the time, and I mean alll the time I feel like he could be private message girls again. It would be the only way to delete the message from ever being found. I want to ask him for this password, but I know he will get defensive about it. How can I come across asking him. I think if he isnt hiding anything then there should be no problem but if he asks why i have proof he has sent other women messages. Should I do this? Should I tell him that I know he has sent messages to other girls? If I had the money to leave I would, but I dont but I cant keep living with this fear if him cheating on me anymore.

  • Kathy June 10, 2013, 2:04 PM

    Oh and I forgot to add, he has been gone for 4 days, and durnignthe 4 days I got upset because of the way he spoke to me. Since then he has been a little distant and it feels like Im back to when I found out he was cheating… my gut is telling me something is wrong, and that is why I want that password.

    • Jewels June 11, 2013, 3:11 AM

      Hi Kathy,

      I think you are using ‘getting the password’ to validate what you might already know in your heart. You don’t need the password, I think you are using that as a ‘crutch’. And if you got it, and found out he was still cheating, would you leave since you can’t afford to leave? You already have the proof, and what concerns me is that is he did not take ownership, even with proof and pics he denied and blamed him friend? Does not seem like someone who is ready to really focus on you and him. The first sign that things will work out is if the man take full responsibility, and you man is not at that point.

      The thing I really really want you to listen to is this – you mentioned twice that you can not afford to leave. I disagree. You can find a way to leave if you change your mindset to ‘I will leave a situation that does not serve me.’. Instead of telling yourself you can’t afford it, tell yourself you will find a way. Our minds are funny like that, if you say you can’t afford to leave, life will present that as a fact, you will feel stuck and like you have no way out. There is always a way out, start to change your mindset because with the mindset of ‘can’t leave’, you put yourself in a position to be disrespected by him, without any repercussion.

      **By the way, I thought the same thing at first (i can’t leave and afford to raise two kids on my own). It look me over a year to figure out how to leave, but I did, and it was the best decision for me. Take care!

  • Kathy June 11, 2013, 10:40 AM

    Jewels thank you for your response its always apreciated. A lot happend last night, he feel asleep and I had a bad feeling, you know those feelings you get deep in the pit of your stomach. I went over to get his phone and he put a passcode lock on it. He has only done this once in the past, and durning that time he was talking to a girl behind my back and that is why he did it. So I woke him up and asked him why he had his phone locked. He said it was his private property and that he didnt want me going thru it and that I can cry all I want and he is not going to give it to me. I told him that it made me feel like he was hiding something from me like he donr in the past couple of months and I said it wasnt right and that we shouldnt have to be doing these types of things. He said he didnt care and it was his phone and denied there was anything he was hiding. He started pouring complaints and putting me down and turning everything around me. Jewels this was my breaking point, knowing that he had a password for his phone was a bad sign for the relationship even after the way he had been very distant. Everything I was so afraid of telling him, everything that hurt me, everything I didnt like about him came out of me and I told him. I wasnt scared to loose him anymore. Yes the first thing he said was ” lets just break up” and for the first time I said OK. He couldnt believe all the things I was telling him and yes he denied everything, never owed up to anything and his excuse for the whole thing was because I didnt wash his clothes this past weekend when he came home. This is not an excuse to treat someone youve been with for 7 yrs, I know its not!!!! I am so hurt I feel so strongly that he probably has someone on the side . I dont regret saying all this to him and Im glad I did. Im just scared of going back and crying back to him. He came to the guest room this morning where i had sleep last night and knock on the door and asked me if I meant everything I said. I said Yes. How do I move on?? I live with this man…I can hardley afford rent. HE MAKES ME SICK!!! i AM SO HEART BROKEN AGAIN.

  • ButterflyGirl June 12, 2013, 10:23 PM

    I have been going through this for years. My husband have been together for 16 years. We have an 8 year old daughter. My husband cheated on me 5 tomes before our daughter and i just kept taking him back. He went to jail 1 week after our daughter was born and he was locked up for 2.5 years. Ever since he came out of jail he was dedicated to the family, never went out and everything was perfect. So I thought. It’s going to be a year now that he wanted to go out with the boys. I said of course, he has been so great that I thought why not he deserves it. Well, that turned into friday night pool to sleeping out from fridays till sunday morning to going to work in the morning during the week and then comig home eating dinner and going out and not coming back till the hour before he leaves to work. The day before my birthday he wanted to get a better car for him so we went to the bank and i co-signed . The next day on my birthday… He told me he did not love me and he never did. He said that he has been trying but he just couldnt find the love. He loves a 21yo girl… Yes he told me he loves her and he’s been sleeping with her… He said that he cares for me as the mother to my child and wants me to stay in our house with our daughter and he will pay for half… So he comes home from work, eats dinner, plays with our daughter and leaves to be wih the OW. He says that he feels he did nothing wrong… He feels that at least he told me the truth and not continue to lie because he just didnt want to hurt me and thats why he was teying to love me again but couldnt. I just cant be here anymore but i also am afraid to do it alone…

    • Jewels June 13, 2013, 6:55 AM

      Kathy/Butterfly girl,

      Kathy
      – Good for you for standing up for yourself and saying how you really feel. Yes, you might end up talking again and you might not be as strong as you were the other night, but focus on the fact that you were strong enough to give it to him, which means there is more strength and courage in that body of yours than you think!

      A marriage is suppose to be two people together. I can see if he has never violated your trust, but when there is ever evidence of violating trust, secret passcodes ect. have to go out the door if you have a chance, that is non-negotiable, and if he wants to play hard ball with it, you should as well. You have just as much leverage as him – never forget that, even if you are afraid to leave, you have power in this.

      Also, you probably didn’t even realize it, but you wrote it again, “I can barely afford rent.’. I know that is how you feel, but if you want to see opportunities where you could actually leave, you have to talk to yourself in a different manner, it has to be something like ‘I am in a position to pay for rent, and will always be in a position to pay for rent, alone or with someone else. Change your words, and life will follow with opportunities that match. If you continue to say I can’t afford, life will only show you lack and things you can not afford. He knows you are afraid from a money factor. Work hard on changing that mindset to where you might not see a way to afford living on your own, but know that you will find it. Know it – hugs to you!

      Butterfly girl
      – I know this might be hard to hear, but at the same time it might help you a little. Your husband has probably been cheating on you. So many men would be with you for years and the OW and not think nothing of it. I know it really hurt that he told you he didn’t love you and didn’t want to be with you, but honestly, that is good. He told you, he is no longer going to be playing with your heart anymore, this is your signal to move on. This is your signal to move on. This is your signal to move on. It is never good to be with a man that has clearly stated he does not want to be with you. I know you are really shaken up by this. What will really shock him is if you hold your head up high, and stop focusing on him, and focus on your new life. When is he moving out? What date? Don’t act concerned (this will concern him funny enough). Tell him thank you for informing me, I will work on rebuilding my life without you.

      ***Side note – that was really messed up that he asked you to co-sign and then the next day come to you with this – seriously.

      As far as doing it alone – many of us have been there (read the position recovery stories section of my site), myself included, I can honestly say I was so afraid of raising kids on my own from a mental and financial standpoint, but it all worked out, I am happier, life is better, because I put my needs first, which is something I am getting the sense you might want to look into. YOU first, then everyone else from now own. If you don’t have a better car, no one else gets a nice car until you get it first. Especially if you have kids, they need mommy to be treating herself the best so you will be in a position to have enough love and energy for the kids. Hugs to you as well!

  • Gem June 16, 2013, 12:37 AM

    Thanks, Jewels, for this post and for this site. Kathy, my heart went out to you when you said your husband said his cheating was because you didn’t wash his clothes! My husband is the same way! I know he is cheating again and I am biding my time till I confront him, but I agree with Jewels, if you know he is cheating again and you said you would not put up with it, you need to keep your word. And don’t let him turn it around on you! I saw some of the stuff my husband wrote to his sister complaining about me, yeah, he dwells on stuff I didn’t do, and never once mentions his affair (x2).

  • peggy June 18, 2013, 2:26 PM

    yes it is not easy after you have built up a home,your boy is going to college and
    then i found out after 25 years marriage that my husband was cheating on me.
    he the same night i found out.it hurt me so bad, because i did in that marriage what i could and have almost forgotten about myself.

    I wanted him to be happy, let him do his hobbies,let him go fishing,and so on.
    Bought a nice ground in the city with a nice weekend house, I never did think he would cheat on me,because I made love with him 2 weeks until i found out the affair,he wrote me a love letter put on my desk and flowers and it was written on that letter how much he would love me. It is now almost 2 years ago and i tooked my consequences ,because i deserve a better man as a man who is cheating on me. yes it is not easy and the hurt is deep,trust is broken,but i know one thing
    in life, that i never will do so much for any man like I did for him, because I loved him so much, he did for me,yes,but he did more for his own and like I said found out in this 2 years,that I almost have forgotten about myself,
    I love my boy crazy,I will take care of him and take care of my health and
    he can stay with that new fresh young lady,he went to fare. It is sorry that things like this happen in a happy marriage,but i need a true man
    on my side.
    regards
    peggy from germany

  • sadly shocked June 21, 2013, 10:48 PM

    Hi everyone I need support I am so sad .I’ve been married for 14 and we have 2kids and we’ve had our up and downs of course when I met him he was a marine lter I find out he was getting divorced and and the lady was pregnant I was devastated and I really believe I mainly stayed because this other girl was still trying to get him back and it became a game to me to win him I think. We got married just one year later and had our 1st son a year after that. I really felt I loved him and he was great to me most of the time.. he did kind of be little me because he was getting his degree and would be surprised if I knew what a certain word meant or I would get a lot of ” do you know what that means?” And I hated it.

    Anyhow we had another son 5 years ago and about a year after that he left his well respected job and started working with a bunch of guys who were trouble always looking for the quick buck and from them he met even more bad guys and I could see him starting to change even though he’d deny it. He would go to bars stay out late he would say I didn’t need to know where he was and what time he came home that I should just be happy the bills are getting paid and I told him the kids needed his attention and he said I was being a bad wife buy not supporting his work habits and explaining to the kids
    He then started going to new york 5 months ago for work and he again aid I didn’t need to know where and why and that I was to nosy and it was making him distant. I caught him at a casino with an older lady when he said he couldn’t make it to our sons practice due to work. So for that reason he said he was mad at me and began having a relationship with another lady.I’m just in such shock that he could do this to us after have been married for so long how can he not respect me enough to divorce me 1st. He was still wanting to sleep with me and he is so much into porn it was bothering me and I told him no more and to leave but I still so hurt I don’t want to care about him and the other women but I do I want revenge I want to know if she knows about me but I wish I didn’t care.. thanks 🙁

    • Jewels June 22, 2013, 11:52 PM

      Peggy/Sadly Shocked,

      Hi Peggy. You seem like a very caring individual that gave your heart to a man that abused your love, like so many other women on this site. I know you mentioned that you will never do so much for any man. We lose ourselves in marriage. Sometimes we wake up and realize it is all about our husbands and we neglect ourselves. That is what I did, and instead of saying that I will never give so much to a man again, I said I will never lose myself in a relationship again. I will never allow another human being to take away my joy and and my peace, for the sake of ‘love’. If I need to go to yoga once a week, then I go to yoga once a week, and if I am in a relationship, they will have to get on board or I guess they are not for me. I fulfill myself first, then I look to attract a make that I can share with. I don’t want you to lose hope in men and relationships, you seem like you have too much love to give. Take care!

      Sadly Shocked – so he has belittled you, had an affair because he was mad at you, is heavy into porn, still wants to sleep with you, and gets mad when you question him? It seems like you have the type of set up where he gets to do what he wants with no ramifications. You have to show him that you are serious about not being disrespected. I get the feeling he thinks he can do anything and you will not leave, because the way it is set up now he has done many things that are no acceptable, and you still are together. I know it is hard with the kids, but you are going to have to look deep within and decide if this is the type of person you want to be with, as is (meaning not expecting him to change). Any man that blames their wife for their faults is not going to change anytime soon. The person that is more prone to change is the one that takes total responsibility for their actions. I wish you well, it will all be ok.

  • peggy July 2, 2013, 12:31 PM

    hi Sadly Shocked,you are so right,thank you for writing me back,
    but they put your mail in junk mail and i found it today.
    yes i am divorced since 2 weeks,he does not care about his wonderful college boy,does not call him,after 6 month my boy had a card in the mailbox and
    money in it from 30euro.and he does not think what his boy all needs.
    he is making a lot of money,soon as he went out of the army,he went to
    school in germany and made it to a chemist,i made the money that time he
    went to school,i did think for our all future,but i did think wrong.
    it is not easy to go to this hurt and pain,it will take a little while,but better
    the end with a shock as a shock which never will end.
    love
    peggy
    write me back if you want
    thank you

  • Lucy July 8, 2013, 8:32 PM

    I have been reading some of the stories told here and was surprised to find that my life has been similar to many other people’s.
    I married my husband when I was 19 years old. After 31 years of marriage, there had been multiple emotional affairs (maybe physical too). In addition to the affairs, my husband was an alcoholic with ADD and depression. He also was emotionally and verbally abusive.
    We have been living separately for over a year and divorced for 6 months. I can’t say why I stayed married to him for so long but there always seemed to be a reason why it was a bad time to divorce. We have 3 children and I thought for many years that I needed to stay for my children’s sake. My children are adults now and they feel very comfortable saying that they wish we had divorced years ago. I have regrets about decisions I made throughout the years but I can say now that I am a very happily divorced woman.
    My ex husband isn’t so happily divorced. Life hasn’t worked out as he had hoped it would. Within weeks of moving out of our home, he was on line looking for women. Four months later, he was living with a woman he had met on line. That lasted two months before they broke up. Towards the end of their relationship, he was diagnosed with stage four cancer. To quote him, “karma’s a bitch”.
    Although I never would wish him bad health, I have told him that it’s a shame he had loyal, loving wife that he threw away because he thought he could have a “good time” with other women. None of those women want a man who has a terminal disease. I have been tempted to ask him…”are you happy yet?”
    For all of you who think your life will be over with your marriage, you are wrong! Your life as a free thinking woman is just beginning. No more having to compromise with someone who doesn’t blink over hurting you and your children. You will find joy every day over things in your life that are simple and fulfilling.
    Did I mention that my ex husband exposed me to herpes and then his girlfriend told everyone?
    You will eventually find that your life will be much more peaceful. There will be less drama and more opportunity to have fun. With time, you will heal and be happy.

    • Jewels July 9, 2013, 7:23 PM

      Hi Lucy,
      Thanks for sharing such and incredible story of empowerment. Many women are so afraid to leave after being married so long so to see someone like you leave, survive, and be happy is wonderful. Thanks for taking the time to send a message of warmth, and that is unfortunate your ex-husband is having health problems, but he will have to trot his own journey to heal, if he even wants it.

  • KlassyK July 11, 2013, 6:04 AM

    Ladies: Devastating to read about the cheating husbands, but listen to me – there is hope beyond those painful moments.

    I myself got through this. How? Chumplady.com

    Read her blog…digest her words and indulge in her knowledge and advice! I did and I can certainly say I am a whole person thanks to her!!!!

  • Nenna from USA August 4, 2013, 1:32 PM

    We all have the same similar stories and painful cheaters husbands experiences. I am also going through the second cheating encounter,after 10 years of marriage. The first was a total shock and like all abusive spouses (making you feel that it is your fault) I did believe that I didn’t work hard enough in my marriage to make things work. We did some counseling but didn’t follow through or made any promises. I got the OW asking for forgiveness and telling me that everything had ended and that he was such a good guy and just needed me to be his center of attention. Wow! she got me right. It ended up that she was a cheater herself and was afraid that her husband was going to find out as well.
    We try to make things work and I forgave him and moved on. I have never brought up that affair until this second time 4 years later. I also discovered his addiction to porno’s videos. I have to believe that he had continued with others (mainly internet affairs) and I was just oblivious to what was going on. I really wanted to build up trust and don’t look back.
    Now, I have discovered his affair, and this one is just like the first one, started internet, messages, pictures etc. I confronted him and he denied it until I gave him proof. He admitted to have a problem with this cheating behavior and wants to go back to counseling because he knows he has a problem and doesn’t want a divorce. In this case he needs me more than I need him financially speaking. I am divorce with children and grandchildren and I am 6 yrs older than him. He never had any kids and my grandkid were born during our marriage. The kids love him and see him as their grandfather.
    We have a business and I decided to continue to treat him like a business partner. I growing out of love for him and I feel like I am checking out.
    Why should i continue to support his disrespect and lack of love ( I don’t feel a cheater love anyone but himself) ? How could I continue to live with someone that no longer holds my trust?
    I need to plan how I am going to terminate this relationship and settle all business matter. I think I am strong enough to continue to share the home with the understanding that we will be ending the marriage.
    Is my lack of pain (as the first time cheating) a sign that I have stop loving this man?
    Am I selfish thinking that I do not deserve this treatment and I will not allow him to treat me like an object?
    I feel sorry for him because he has nothing, including a family and I do have both.
    He took me for granted and still feels I will never leave him. I guess he never took the time to really know me as an individual and appreciate the love I brought into the marriage.
    Do cheater love anyone, but themselves?

  • tag August 4, 2013, 5:39 PM

    I have been with my husband for almost 32 years, we have been married for 28. In Feb he told me that he had an affair with a co worker who I happen to know and who has been to my home. The only thing he told me was that he slept with her he claims he does know for how long(as long as 16 years this went on for)He does drink heavily. After the first time she threatened to tell me unless he continued(I can she her doing this)yet I have trouble believing it fully. He did not tell me the whole story. I got counseling because 5 days after I found out her son threatened to kill me. He begged to go to counseling with me and try to work this out. I know he is still hiding something, he told me to ask him any question I wanted (who knows what the right questions are) It has been now 6 months and just when I thought things were heading in the right direction if I ask a question or want to talk he is getting defensive.He thinks that I should just forget and lets move on, this all started 2 weeks ago when I asked him some questions. Since then he doesn’t want to talk about it he wants to forget and wants me to forget. It has been difficult with triggers. I get that a lot and to boot, I am caring for my mother who is on hospice.

  • peggy August 5, 2013, 12:58 AM

    Hi and good morning from Germany,
    thank you for all the comments. Yes I am divorced .he was into internet sex-affair
    8 years until he did it physically. I caught him that time with his internet-sex
    affair 3 weeks later and he cried, promised me not to do it anymore and said to
    me that he never could do it to me physically, but he did 8 years later, he did run
    from the house in the same night I found out to the girl he was cheating with.
    Excuse my English grammar, but we do live a long time now in Germany and I
    have forgotten a lot in English.
    If a man is running so quickly away he did not work out it with me to talk.
    He write me 2 weeks before a love letter on my desk and has written
    THE NIGHT WITH YOU WAS BEAUTIFUL; I LOVE YOU MORE AS ANYTHING
    OF THE WORLD
    lots of flowers were on my desk an a silver pencil.
    2 weeks later I found out the affair.
    He picked up his cloth in 7 suitcases and his other stuff from his house office
    later.
    He had an operation and called from the hospital and told me he
    was in pain. I told him that I would pray for him but I could not come visit him
    because sure his girlfriend would come see him, in the same time he said to
    me she would be on her way, I wondered why he called me.
    The second time he picked up the rest of the stuff, I told him he should go out
    of my heart and life forever.
    I got sick and had a break down I do suffer from panic reactions and he put in
    the divorce after one year and I took another year until the divorce was
    coming up.
    I gave up after one year the big apartment and moved in the same building
    from floor number 12 to floor number 5.
    My 23years old boy is living with me and he had a break down the first year
    he left us.I am in therapy, but my boy is going well and he told me that his father almost
    broke his future, but this could not happen, he would be over him and is learning
    in college. His first semester he had to do again, about his big wound in his soil.
    I did not force him to love me, but he did not make a fair cut.
    All our friends were shocked a lot. The girl is much younger as him and me.
    I have no problem with age diffrenc,but telling me in the same time the big
    words of love and on the other side he had cheated on me.
    can anyone tell me what this man had on his mind?
    It looks for me, like he wanted to have 2 women in the same time.
    thy don t let me go to work about those panic reactions and I am going to my
    therapy and he has to pay us. This is, what he does not like at all.
    They brought me 4 times with the Red Cross out of the house and blowing horn
    to the cardiologist, because my heart was beating stronger and stronger and
    i could not stop it on my own. My boy was worried about me very much and cried sitting with me in the
    red cross car.
    I staid there every time one night and they tried on me a lot, but they found out
    like I did think on my own, that all this problems are coming from this stress
    out of my soul.
    25 years married to an American husband, I have gone with him through a war
    and was true to him .crying about him, scared that something could happen in
    the war with him and my boy was that time 6 month old.
    Can you understand how a man can forget about all the 25 years marriage
    and forget about his wonderful boy? Christmas he saw his boy the last time
    they met in a hotel, because my boy told him he would never move one step
    into the apartment with that girl he is living.
    He told me one year ago that I should work like I worked before in my life,
    but I got sick and have to take care about myself. I did not give him an answer
    and told him I did not want to have an argument with him and hung up the phone.
    I did not look for myself to get sick with that panic reaktions, it happened to me.
    From this time I have never spoken on word to him.
    He lost his heart and on the divorce date he did not say hi to me, like a stranger
    he walked in the door from court.
    Yes is heart broken, but i will work on myself to get over that heartbroken
    syndrome.
    Please write me back what you think about my telling to you
    thank you
    Peggy from Germany

    • Jewels August 7, 2013, 10:54 AM

      Tag/Neena/Peggy/Klassy K
      Hi Nenna,
      You are right, cheating is selfish, it is selfish and a symptom of lack of control. I took my husband back the first time, the second time, it was over. I was disgusted with him, his actions, and lack of considering my feelings. Yes, I fell out of love with him, because for me, self-control is attractive. Keeping your word – attractive. Being considerate of my feelings, attractive. Trust, attractive. All of that was gone, and when he did it again, it was over. If your husband truly has a problem, he needs to take the initiative to get himself together, outside of you and the marriage. He has got to fight that battle alone and if he is truly committed to fighting that battle, he should work on himself regardless if you stay or not. You risked a lot by taking him back the first time. If he had a problem, he should of come to you first versus you finding out. So I do not think you are wrong in any of your thinking. To be honest, I have seen couples recover from infidelity the first time (he cheated once), I can count on one hand how many marriages have recovered from a person cheating twice.
      He will be ok in his journey, I also felt bad for my ex-husband, he made less, how is he going to live, ect. But guess what someone told me? He is a grown man, he needs to figure it out, not your concern or problem. Same to you, he created this situation, he needs to now step up and own the consequences. I know you have a business and if it makes sense for you to live together during this time, do what works for you, I did the same think, I mentally checked out and lived with my husband until I got my life in order. Glad to hear you have family to support you, hugs to you!

      Tag,
      It seems like your husband was open to talking about it at first, and now he wants you to get over it, and it just doesn’t work that way, you can’t just get over 16 years of lies. At the point where she told him ‘have sex with me or else’ he should of told you. I am sure he did have sex with her all this time reluctantly. You have some decisions to make, if he doesn’t want to talk about it, then you can’t possible heal a marriage without communication on the one thing that shattered the foundation. Are you in counseling together? He has to step up, not you, and if he doesn’t step up, then you have to determine if you want to continue living with him. Life does not have to be this drama filled, it really is nice when you don’t have to deal with the lies and secrets. Continue counseling. Hugs to you.

      Peggy
      Yes he is just selfish and wanted two women. He thought he could have it all. He is not thinking about himself at this point, not the marriage and the boy. And sometimes people change, and that is ok. He is stressing you out so much your health is impacted. No more looking at him, all that is going to do is stress you, look at Peggy and help Peggy out, do things for Peggy, you can control how Peggy feels, but not your husband and his actions.

      Klassy K – Yes, Chump Lady has a great site!

  • Peggy August 8, 2013, 11:06 PM

    hi Klassy K:
    thank for your answer,you are so very much right.
    i mooved ffrom the appartment number 12 ,it was a big appartment for us
    3 people in a more little appartment,waht a luck in the same building.
    my boy and me are living here together and we do have a good understanding
    and he has not to pay a room to go to college in an other city,because we do
    live in an university city
    my boy had to moove so much the time his father was in the army.
    the only thing which is making me sad,that he does not care about scott
    going to cellege,never aske him only one time.
    let him live his life,i have to take care about myself and get better with
    my panicreactions and i do go to therapie and i hope in time i will
    get better,it takes a little while,but i do not understand that a good person
    he was before can change into a monster.
    love love love
    from germany
    Peggy

  • DORIS September 11, 2013, 12:27 AM

    Hi Ladies ihave read almost everthing is similar with my problem i have. my husband cheated me when our marriage was 4 years with girl who he claimed is his niece . we lived together with her in our house, every night they use to remain in the living room studied together because my husband is a teacher so he was helping her. then i discover later that is sleeping with her every night whenever they finish to do their study, then he will come in to our room and he will sleep not even looking at me or touch. so one night i caught them naked in the sofa. i confroted him and threw the girl,s staff and told her to get out in my house. But for me doing that didin,t heal my pain i cried and screamed, my husband asked for second chance and he was very sorry. At this time we had 2 children 4month and 2 years. myself idid not have any income i was depeding on him as a house wife .so i forgve him. now is 22 years our mrriage with 3 children. This year january my husband he travell to abroad telling me that it work trip he stayed for 4 weeks. After he came back i find some romatic messages on his phone texting . the girl who he had affair when our marriage was 4 years, and then i discover that she was married and divoced after 5 years of her marriage, then she want my husband in her life. i was shock and pain Also he was abroad with her in hotel. I can,t believe light now that i truststed this man and cheated me again. Our last boy is 15 years old now and our first daughter she is in Uni starting Third year am worrying about them that if i divoce him is going to affect our children future? my question how long am i going to suffer like this? is this man will ever change on his life? he coffessed and said sorry.but the same time he still telling the girl that I love you honey!!! what do think my story Ladies I feel that iam a stupid woman ever.

    • Jewels September 11, 2013, 5:33 AM

      Hi Doris,

      No you are not stupid. I know it is extremely hard when you put your trust in someone and they cheat again. You ask if he will ever change. Probably not, if he didn’t after the first time, he probably is going to always think he can get away with it.

      I know you are worried about the kids and the impact. Of course if you get a divorce there will be an impact. But at the same time, if you stay miserable in a marriage where your husband has cheated with you again with the same woman, that will unfortunately impact the kids as well. As much as you will try to be strong for the kids, they will know something’s wrong. As far as the finances and divorce and the kids future, knowledge is power. Knowledge is power. Go to your local library and start looking up divorce. I don’t know what the rules are in London but find out. You might be surprised that you and the kids will still get good support even in divorce. But do some research on this and find out so you are empowered to know what your options are. Hugs to you!

  • Doris September 17, 2013, 5:12 PM

    Thanks Jewels for your msg. Am struggling in my heart alot, we had agreement that he will nevet call the other woman or text her anymore he asked for forgiveness because I want to save our marriage we have been together for many years 22years now to start again I don’t see a life so I agreed to forgive. But this man will never change doesn’t matter how I try to forgive him it look like he want both of us his afair woman and me. He is a liar ever he comes to me and say I love you am sorry and he will call the other woman
    e same thing! I caught so many messages text the other woman. My heart sunk again am having depression and I develop enxiety my blood pressute is high light now everyday my life is miserable, I told him to move he doesn’t want to go. I can’t move because I don, t enough income to rent another house. I fear of my health is hurting me almost every single day. I want him to go and leave me with the house. What shall I do now?

  • chelsie January 5, 2017, 11:44 PM

    Discovery of his emotional affair was three years ago. I’ve stayed in marriage and it hasn’t been easy for me. I’ve been living a lie, with NO one knowing the hell he put me through. It is a burden to hide for all these years. But I’ve been making it work as best as possible. Well, as the saying goes, once a cheat, always a cheat. And that is exactly what he is. Imagine my reaction when a coworker approached me to tell me that he somehow found out where she lives and went to her house and gave her a gift. Just out of the blue. Needless to say, she was freaked out and highly suspicious. He barely knows her and is old enough to be her father. Thank goodness my coworker had the common sense and morals to tell me of this. She returned the gift to me and I, in turn, presented the gift back to him. Unbelievably, he can’t admit how wrong it was to do what he did. “I didn’t think, I didn’t think……….yada, yada, yada” “I can’t be a friend to someone?” Hey, you obviously learned nothing from the first go around. Unbelievable that he went for my young coworker. Lovely, I get to face my coworker, an innocent bystander in all this. Well, it is over. I tried. Over and done.

  • chelsie January 9, 2017, 6:13 PM

    I know what I have to do this time. No mistaking it. I re-read my posts from years ago and how irrational my thinking was. I knew it was all wrong, and knew back then that our marriage never had a surviving chance. What he did isn’t really so much a surprise due to his lack of honesty, inability to be forthcoming even with counseling, and blame game on me. He never truly admitted the wrongfulness of his actions. I am hearing the same tune, “I can’t have a friend?” We haven’t had opportunity to discuss the situation, but today will need to talk to our kids and let them know what is going on. I am dreading this. I know they will be devastated. I think they would have viewpoint that “he made a mistake, this is forgivable,” but they have to know full truth that it isn’t just one incident, this is second incident and clearly their father needs to move on to something else. They love their dad and I am expecting them to continue with that love, possibly even defend him, but I sure could use some emotional support. I’m not asking to pick sides, but definitely NOT excuse his behavior. I would never come between their relationship, they are young adults, just see this for what it is, completely wrong. I just want this guy to work with me and not make this anymore difficult. I have such a bad feeling that he will do opposite. He thinks he can try to go to counseling AGAIN and change. Sadly, that is just his pathetic attempt too late and laughable to me now. My question to anyone out there, I am feeling overwhelmed by what to do next. I’ve been researching a bit, haven’t made an appointment with an attorney yet, and would like to have a little idea what to expect, how to protect myself, etc. Any suggestions?

    • Jewels January 9, 2017, 9:21 PM

      Hi Chelsie,

      It seems like you have had enough of the lies and you are seriously thinking of ending the marriage. After being hurt so many times one becomes numb to it. I will leave the legal advice to the lawyers. Take one step at a time. I know you have kids, well young adults, things can get tricky. Think about what you want to share and not share, they are young adults but not adults and probably do not have the full context to understand everything so keep that in mind. Be easy on yourself. You do not have to do everything at once. One thing at a time, allow yourself to go slow and move at the pace at which you are comfortable. Big hug to you, things will be ok.

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