Do Cheating Husbands Use Condoms?

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Do Cheating Husbands Use Condoms? post image

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After your husband has an affair, trying to work on your marriage with him can be difficult, especially when it comes to sex. You can see how difficult this was for me by reading Sex after the affair, which explains what I went through when I was trying to salvage my marriage.

Today, I want to touch on an important and serious topic relating to the sexual side of an affair and its consequences for your health. I have interacted with and heard thousands of cheating stories on the site, which is what my opinion is based on. It’s unfortunate that most husbands are not more careful when committing acts of adultery.

Do cheating husbands use condoms? No. MOST MEN WHO CHEAT DO NOT USE CONDOMS.

I know it’s sad, scary, and very hurtful to read. I was furious when I came to this realization. Not only did they cheat, they also put their wives at risk for any number of STDs. Seriously, what kind of husbands are we dealing with here?! But the more I think about it, the more I realize that if your husband has the capacity to cheat, cheating without using a condom isn’t too farfetched. If they don’t care enough about how an affair will hurt you emotionally, they’re probably not thinking about how it can hurt you physically. A man that cheats probably thinks like the majority of people when it comes to STDs: they think they can tell whether the woman they want to sleep with is STD-free just by looking at her.

If you found out your husband had an affair, I would start using condoms. It may not be something he likes. In fact, he’ll probably get angry and say things like, “I am your husband,” or “I protected myself,” But remember that if he could lie to you about the affair, he could be lying about using protection.

USE A CONDOM. I cannot stress this enough. This will show your husband how serious you are about having to rebuild trust. If he is really trying to work on the marriage, he should understand the request. He should also get tested for all major STDs (note that this may involve getting more than one test, as most tests only cover a few STDs, like Chlamydia or Gonorrhea, HIV test is usually done separately.) Again, I know most men don’t want to get tested, but if they want to save their marriages, they are going to have to swallow their pride and get tested.

I have engaged with many women who are now dealing with an STD they got from their married partner. It’s not fair at all. I know you cannot do anything prior to learning about the affair, but once you know, think hard about whether to have sex or not. If you decide you still want to, remember that there is actually nothing wrong with him wearing a condom—in fact, that is the least he can do.

  • Jewels June 23, 2011, 11:19 PM

    Comment From Susan via Email.

    I agree that is horrible if they don’t use a condom as well as us being surprised that they were willing to cause further harm. I asked my cheating husband if he used condoms and he said yes but then declared that “she” didn’t have any STD’s!. WTF?? Like a married woman cheating with a married man correlates to her virtue? I did get tested and my husband never did.

    Having worked in healthcare for 20 years I wanted to warn you all about the diseases you can get from other sexual acts and kissing. Unprotected oral sex is just as dangerous as unprotected intercourse. Hepatitis B is transmitted sexually, Hepatitis C is transmitted thru bodily fluids. They are called blood borne pathogens. Hepatitis is rampant all over the world and deadly. All it takes is bleeding gums and an abrasion to allow the virus to enter your bloodstream. Share a tooth brush or a razor and your at risk for contracting hepatitis. Syphilis and gonorrhea can also be transmitted orally. Herpes is another virus that is VERY easy to get. The person doesn’t even need to have a blister actively to infect their partner. Oral sex can also infect you with HIV but all the above diseases and deadly viruses are much much easier to transmit. Hepatitis’s are big virulent viruses that can live in dried blood for over 24 hours and are spread easily from human to human.

    Health Departments and Community Clinics in the U.S. Provide anonymous HIV testing free. You can also be tested for all other STD’s including herpes and hepatitis’s at them. Unfortunately our husbands have put all of us in danger due to their horrible sleazy behaviors.
    My idiot husband didn’t bring condoms with him he said she had them and they used them for birth control. So obviously if that’s actually true he wouldn’t have used one if she was on the pill. He actually seemed shocked that I would be concerned about STD’s. They are idiots. Be smart ladies follow Jewels advice about condoms and get tested for everything and keep getting tested. It is not a one time deal with HIV and hepatitis,it’s testing over a year that can definitively rule out that you are safe. Please don’t avoid it over shame. They did the shameful acts not us.
    Take care ladies,
    Susan

  • Tamara July 9, 2011, 8:31 AM

    I need help [;ease.
    My ex-boyfriend is about to return after a traumatized experience with his cheating wife . She slept with 2 men and he had sex with her after the cheat with a condom What can I do to protect myself . Thanks

    • Jewels July 10, 2011, 10:19 PM

      Just my opinion, but I would tell him that you don’t trust his wife and you definitely don’t trust the men that she was with. Either he get tested or use a condom. He is no going to like it, but better to protect yourself than to catch something. If he is still married, I would proceed with caution, you could end up getting your feelings hurt or get caught up in a mess of a situation.

  • Bethann Elsner September 12, 2011, 12:21 AM

    LOL, I’ve to say the on the internet dating or electronic dating has come a hell of a way from the days of easy chat rooms. Far more and more individuals are turning to on the internet dating internet sites to display likely dates.

    • Jewels September 12, 2011, 10:16 PM

      Bethann,

      You are right, it has come a long way, much more focused and advanced, it’s scary. I think it’s great for actual singles, but for cheating husband’s, it almost makes it easier to cheat.

  • Sylvia October 30, 2011, 10:54 AM

    What also angers me is the selfishness of men who cheat when their girlfriends or wives are either pregnant or are breastfeeding their children. So, it’s okay to bring home an STD and infect not only your wife but your children, huh?!!! My partner and I are still discussing the effects of his emotional affair a couple of years ago, and he is finally realizing how much he hurt me with what he did with the other girl. I’ve asked him more than once if he slept with someone else during our relationship, and he says no. Last time I tested I was clean. So for now, I am just watching and waiting. It will take a long time to regain my trust in him, and I told him a few months ago, in an indirect way, that those guys who cheat on their breastfeeding girlfriends or wives might be killing their own babies. It will take a long time to regain my trust in him, and I hope I do someday. If he did sleep with someone else, I hope I find out, so I can leave him for putting our son at risk. :(

    • Jewels November 1, 2011, 11:52 PM

      Yes Sylvia unfortunately they don’t think about the impact of what they are doing before they do it, glad you are testing clean.

  • REC November 1, 2011, 7:46 AM

    I read everyones comment and sitting here sighing, I feel disgusting. Not only did my husband have unprotected sex with that ow…. because ya know she said her tubes were tied..he had unprotected oral sex REALLY… and I said the same thing everyone seems to be saying, what about the diseases she could possibly have, what you could have brought home to me… And even knowing this, and even though it was less than a week ago since I found out…. I had sex.. unprotected mind you… with my husband.. Knowing all this, and even after I did… and let me also point out, it makes me feel sick to my stomach… more so than the loss of appetite I already have, Im ashamed.. totally embaressed. More so because to be truthful, I wanted it, and it probably was the sweetest, most caring sex I have EVER had with him. Was that his guilt?? I already have an appointment to be tested for STDs and he made his own appointment, as well as an appointment to see a marriage counselor. And after all was said and done, I still made him sleep on the couch, and he did without complaint. As a matter of fact, he told me we had sex too soon, he didnt deserve it. That he had messed up and would do without, and the only reason he did, because he felt that if he didnt, I would think he was still cheating, or didnt want me anymore. But even after all this, I wonder, because my husband seems to have the classical cheating husband mentality, If he really truly is sorry, or just saying what he thinks I want him to say.

    • Jewels November 2, 2011, 12:06 AM

      Hello REC,

      Welcome to the site. Do not feel bad at all for having unprotected sex with your husband after the affair, most women do. I know for me, after I found out, I thought I wanted to have sex in order to make sure I was still on top, that I was still the wife and he still loves me. I am sure many other women feel the same way, so do not beat yourself up over it. Your husband is actually doing good. I would say most of the husbands I hear about on the site do not act like your husband. They typically want to put this as in the past, and just say I won’t do it again. Many won’t get tested, and many will not set up counseling. Also most men blame the wife for cheating. This is how my husband acted and I was totally shocked, now I realize that his reaction is actually the norm and what you see in the movies (total remorse, willing to do whatever to stay together) doesn’t happen that often. So to answer your last question, (of course I don’t know for sure) but I actually think he is not being phony. He seems to be taking responsibility for his actions, and from interacting with hundreds of wives in this situation, that is huge and not as common as you think. I would guess one in about 40-50 stories I will get where the husband is acting like yours. I hope the test comes back clean and you are able to work things out.

  • J.K. November 9, 2011, 10:06 AM

    I emailed you this morning but I am super worried. My husband had unprotected sex during his affair. I used a condom with him when I was dumb enough to have makeup sex after he ended it with her. A few days after that, I felt a burning sensation between my legs. Two weeks after that, I had sores on my genitals and lips. He gave me herpes. On top of this devastation, I am stuck with an STD that has no cure. I have an appointment with the doctor in two weeks to test for other diseases and he goes in a month. What should I be tested for? How often do we retest? I used a condom with him and it didn’t protect me from a lifelong sentence. How do I ever have sex with him again or even kiss him? He says he don’t understand as he has no symptoms but I do. Hello? I didn’t get herpes all of a sudden out of nowhere! I know he had unprotected oral sex and intercourse so I don’t know how long until I am safe from other diseases. I am scared!
    Please ladies: DO NOT have any kind of sex or kissing with your cheating husband until you are in the clear. (Whenever that may be.)

    Condoms do not protect you from everything!!! Don’t be a fool like me thinking makeup sex is going to fix things or make you feel better. I feel worse now.

    • Jewels November 11, 2011, 10:08 PM

      Hello J.K., I really appreciate your honestly in your comment in hopes of helping other women. I updated the actual post to state that some STDs can be spread skin to skin so the best protection is to have your husband get tested before having sex with him. You honestly will help many women.

      I can’t imagine how you feel and I won’t attempt to do that out of respect for your situation. You stated that you are scared, and I want you to know that I have interacted with many women who got herpes from their cheating husband, so you are not alone. I also know women that got herpes years ago and have gone on to live “normal lives” (meaning dating, getting married, having kids – but of course this is my perception from the outside looking in). As far as how often to get tested, I am sure a doctor will be able to advise you, because I honestly don’t know. I know you say you are super worried, but just know in your heart that whatever happens, you have the strength to handle it, tell yourself that over and over again until that thought beats out the worry. Keep in touch, reach out anytime.

  • J.K November 12, 2011, 1:24 PM

    Our doctor gave me meds to rid the initial breakout. They said this first one is the worst and in a lot of cases can lay dorment for a long time (or not). They had my husband come in the other day to get the initial testing but we don’t have results yet. He came home with an attitude because they swabbed the inside of his penis (hahahahahahaha!) and that he has to go back in a few months for another swab. Then again in several months and up to a year after his unprotected nasty sex to check for hepatitis and hiv. I told him that is too bad. “Get over it!” He did this to himself and TO ME! I am the one who is suffering right now. Let us hope we don’t come back with even more devastating news. We go for hepatitis B vaccinations on monday and then again a week later. They said it should work since it has only been a few weeks since a possible exposure but is not a guarantee. I have an appt for other tests in a few weeks then have the regimen of tests for the next year. Your words give me strength and I appreciate them greatly.

    • Jewels November 15, 2011, 6:32 AM

      Thanks for the update and your kind words, you take care and keep in touch.

  • trish January 5, 2012, 1:28 AM

    How long did it take before any of you were intimate with your spouse again?

  • Theresa January 18, 2012, 4:34 PM

    My husband also had the mindset that her looks was the gauge to determine if she was “clean”. The OW he hooked up with was the wife of his best friend in 2001. We met her for the first time for 15 minutes in the airport as they were passing through on vacation. As soon as this slut got home, she started e-mailing and AOL chatting with my husband to start an affair. When I realized he wasn’t talking to his friend but to her, I immediately told him I was uncomfortable with it and why. He pushed back and said, “she is just talking for Ernie because he doesn’t like to type”. I told him Bull Shit and kept addressing the issue until her husband discovered it when she and my husband were planning their first sexual adventure.

    My husband supposedly stopped contact but she kept sending us cards and letters with her picture in it. I wrote her back and told her to leave us alone but she kept on including finding out where we moved to. This kept up for about 3 years and then nothing until 2008 when she sent e-mails looking for my husband again and he responded and started right back up.
    What hurts is he was cheating right in front of me with someone who was 12 years younger than me. The OW told me to my face that “she gets what she wants and that means him” so it wasn’t even a secret.

    I told my husband that she was a whore then and when I found out what she had been doing and said, it confirmed it. She made lots of red flag comments that says, “Hey I screw lots of men” but my husband never picked up on them. She told him that her husband regularly checks the mileage on her car to compare to where she told him she was and that she has a friend who “keeps a room at the local motel on standby for her”. My stupid husband had unprotected sex with this whore and caught genital herpes. I didn’t know for a few years and we had sex like normal not using a condom. My husband thought “he picked a clean one” but found out when I made him get STD tested that he was very wrong. It devastated him because he wasn’t as “smart as he thought he was”. I am now postive as well and am very angry that I now have a piece of this whore with me forever. I make my husband wear a condom not to keep me from getting herpes but because as someone else said, “I don’t trust him” and don’t want to further expose myself. Also, it is a psychological barrier for me. I do not want to have that part of my husband touch me that touched that whore. My husband understands and hasn’t given a problem about wearing a condom.

    So, ladies I agree, if your husband is a cheater, he needs to wear a condom. It’s not punishment, it is a consequence of having unprotected sex.

    • Jewels January 19, 2012, 12:14 AM

      Hello Theresa,

      Thanks for sharing your story, I really believe that each time someone shares, it helps prevents another women from going through the same experience, so thank you. I am glad your husband had a wake up call and realized that he can’t tell, unfortunate that it was too late for you in finding out. I am glad that your husband is understanding about using a condom, and that is interesting that is serves a a psychological barrier for you. Our sex life after the affair was not good. Even with a condom, I could not get it out of my mind during sex that he was with someone else, I wish I could of, but mentally I could not do it. All we can hope for is to learn from the experience, and grow into stronger individuals because of it. Take Care Theresa.

  • Yaya February 2, 2012, 12:52 AM

    My husband has sex with 4-5 women in 1 week. He never us condom and he will not be stopping what he been doing more than 25 years. It made me sick every time after we had sex.

    • Jewels February 2, 2012, 11:01 PM

      Yaya, try to protect yourself, its not fair to you that he is going around putting you at risk.

      Sarah – I am not sure if all of the diseases are diagnosed through tests. Maybe the doctor that would be testing you. Most places in the USA can advise on what they are testing for and what it covers.

  • Sarah February 2, 2012, 8:14 AM

    unfortunately we had sex after his affair. he insisted on not having any intimate relation before he got a test but I told him that you already had ruined my life. are all the diseases diagnosed through the tests?

  • downinluck April 15, 2012, 12:29 AM

    This makes me sick and want to punch him in the face. HE always tells me he used a condom. But he is a pathological liar. I know the lady she sat right next to me at church. SHe probably was on birth control and didnt need condoms.

    • Jewels April 19, 2012, 12:36 AM

      Yes, I was pretty angry when I found this out as well. It’s one thing to cheat, but to not protect yourself, and to put us at risk, so not fair, and my heart truly goes out to all the women who have gotten STDs from their cheating spouse. I have heard many men say it feels better without a condom, but it’s like really you would but your family at risk because it feels. anyways….