Coping with Infidelity is tough – especially when you first find out. I thought back to the time where I found out, and that first month or two was a daze. I thought about how I was literally crazy. I couldn’t remember basic things, I was not functioning properly.
There was one particular thing that I kept doing during my devastation period that was really embarrassing. The first thing happened when I would take my daughter and son out (who was only 3 months) to the store to get groceries. When I came back to the car, I noticed my car door was wide open. I was nervous, I thought who opened my car door, did they steal the radio, what is going on! I looked in the car and everything was there, and then I realized it……I left my own car door wide open (not cracked, wide open). I can understand if I did that one time, but this happened 4 times!!! By the fourth time I would wait until no one was around and then walk to my car door, so that people would not think I am the crazy lady that can not remember to shut her own door! I am glad no one stole my car or radio.
Updated Moment – Another crazy moment – The day I found out he was still cheating, I came home after talking to the OW and I had never been angrier in my life. I told him I know you are still talking to her. He was all casual and that pissed me off. Then the phone rang and I told him not to answer the phone, we have to talk, he did anyway, it was his little 21 year old niece on the phone. I snatched the phone and screamed “I AM SORRY LITTLE NIECE , BUT YOUR UNCLE IS F’ING ANOTHER WOMEN NAMED X, SHE IS SO YOUNG YOUR MIGHT EVEN KNOW HER, SO HE CAN’T TALK ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW.” He was shocked! Then I said, well it’s out now, since you don’t want to talk, who else should we call? Of course now he doesn’t want to talk on the phone anymore. What’s really funny now (but not at the time), is that my NIECE did actually know the person he was sleeping with, so when I screamed her name, she actually knew her.
Like Susan’s story below (the first comment), I also would randomly leave the sink water running and not even notice it was on. Just out of it.
I can now laugh at it but at the time I thought I was going crazy. Let me know if you have any delusional stories after the initial shock from the affair, I hope I am not alone lol!!
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{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Jewels
I am so glad you started this thread. I guess it is gallows humor, but I cracked up with the visual of you waiting for no one to see you closing your car door!!
I was completely psychotic and crazy from the moment I finally had what I considered confirmation of his affair. I found a text dated 3 days prior saying “I’m sorry baby” ( I had a Doctors app’t that went way long on that day&he was with me). Isn’t that special that he was apologizing to her for taking his wife to the Doctor
So I confronted him on the text and he said he didn’t mean anything by it and then said she was a good customer and he didn’t know how to deal with her advances towards him. I then said I was going to go confront her, he said good go ahead. Sooo.. I did (first crazy thing) well I went and asked her to leave my husband alone and was very polite. She laughed at me & told me my husband didn’t feel that way and had warned her I was coming!!! I left in tears and feeling very humiliated. I then called my husband and told him to get out of my house and how could he have set me up to go confront her and then warn her. This was a Friday evening. He came over next day and I told him to tell me the truth and end it now and I would do anything to work on our marriage. He stated he wanted to tell her in person and I said HELL NO. So unbeknownst to me he faked calling her to end it. I was up for 3 days pacing the house, crying etc… She then called me saying he had faked ending it and they had spent the weekend together at my sister in laws, meanwhile he was back home telling me it was over and how sorry he was. I went ballistic to say the least. I keyed his truck, writing F’er in huge letters down the side and random scratches. He left, I then was in such a state of shock and grief I was literally out of my mind. I took my extra sharp sewing scissors and cut up ALL his clothes and then rehung them on the hangers. I cut up his precious Prada shoes, his LV bags everything and placed them all back in their boxes. I don’t know to this day how I made that decision, it wasn’t until I was done that I came out of this fog of rage. I’ve never been violent and so crazy. I must admit that my girlfriends and I plus some of his guy friends still get a chuckle over that one. He told her and she called me telling me I was psycho, I informed her that I had bought all those things and she was welcome to replace them as he had been wearing them everyday to go see her. She gasped at the dollar amount I told her that would take. That night I had left the kitchen sink running all night and the garage door open. I left water running in bathroom 3 more times that week accidentally for hours as well. CRAZY!!!
So then I really got self destructive one week to the day after finding the text message. (keep in mind I was heavily medicated on narcotics from my neck surgeries.) he came home that Friday night raging at me that I was terrible for not forgiving him and said he was done and left. I had found out that day that he had stopped paying ALL OUR BILLS and house was in foreclosure. I sadly then attempted suicide by taking all my pain medication and don’t remember calling my BFF and telling her goodbye. Well she called 911 and they broke in the house and saved my life. All of this occurred in the first week after D-Day. To this day I don’t remember any of that until I woke up next day in Intensive Care.
I am sharing all of this in the hopes that you all will see the clothes and keying the truck as funny and the suicide attempt as a lesson that NO MAN is worth losing our life over. I hurt my adult children and family so much by that act and he is so not worth that. I am still very depressed and at times suicidal but I hold on and will not let him take me out. If you’re feeling that way seek help and get angry at him not yourself.
The stuff I did was insane truly insane but the clothes and truck stuff has kept me going thru many a dark day. Call me crazy but I still think it’s hilarious. His wearing all those things leaving the house everyday in them telling me he’s going to “the store” was such a slap in the face and rubbing my nose in it that I just lost it. His best friend still thinks the best part was hanging them all back up completely shredded. I cut the crotch out of every pair of pants. LOL.
I’m not condoning or recommending any of you do those things especially the suicide attempt but am just sharing my truth and hope it helps someone.
I had been left alone for months barely able to care for myself and was so medicated I truly lost my mind.
My therapist says all the things like leaving the car door open or forgetting to turn off the faucet, even keying his truck and cutting up his clothes are trauma responses and some of us are more susceptible to them being extreme reactions.
Well that’s my delusional story. I have only told a few friends, but need to be honest here as we all are sharing such deep deep wounds with each other. Hope this helps and can bring a smile or laugh to some of you.
P.S. I’m not that crazy anymore
Susan
Hello Susan,
I was dying laughing at your story!! You shredded them and hung the clothes back up, cutting the crotch out – hilarious!! You story brought up memories of my own, I did the water thing as well, I would leave the water running and forget to turn it off! Have you watched the movie Waiting to Exhale? Your story reminded me of that. If not be warned when you watch it will make you cry, but you will also laugh. I am so glad your friend called 911 and was able to save you, truly a blessing, your story and openness on the site has helped many women. I am going to update the post with another crazy moment that I had that you reminded me of. Thanks again, when I am having a rough day, I will remember this story and have a good laugh!
susan
you are not alone….i was saying “yeah” to myself when you cut the crotch out of the pants…that just topped the story! lol…on the other hand, i am glad that you see that NO man is worth your own life–ever!
i didnt do any physical stuff to his possessions or him (since he is NEVER here) or else i think i would have but, i concocted this whole conspiracy thing where every one of his “afghanistan buddies” that were screwing around on THEIR wives would be called one by one if he did not give me the details of the affair, her name, her number, etc. He called my bluff….so at 7>00am I telephoned one of the wives and started to plant a seed in her ear (without telling her any details that i knew HER husband was doing)…..SO….then all the guys started calling me and being real nice to me saying they dont do that to THEIR wives one at a time….i had to laugh, at the time….they all were sweating bullets and i loved it….they were all in it thick, especially protecting my husband and his actions since my HUSBAND is their BOSS! My husband called after I text the first wife….and i got his attention…..then I threatened all of them with their WORK….and if the FEMALE OWNER would appreciate what goes on her very expensive computers on a daily basis, and all the lavish homes she rents for my husband ( sometimes 3 or 4 at one time) what these homes are being used for?
(online prostitutes for all these guys–these homes are on the beach too!)….so,,,,
husband gave up all the info on the OW not for me…..to save his buddies, their
families and their work!!! He could care less about me and his daughter……I guess I proved to him i wasnt the dumb witch he thought i was….ha!
I am both laughing and crying while I read this. My husband of 14 years cheated on me last year twice and I just found out on December 21 so its been a whirlwind. Its so nice to know that there are other people who have and are going through this. I love him, but I do not like him, someday I will, but not now, its nice to know I am not as crazy as I feel.
Wanda/Haunting Immortal
Wanda – That was a very smart move on your part, it’s funny that they started calling you very nice and considerate, they knew you had the power at that point, I guess at that point it was game over for your husband!
Haunting Immortal – That is SO powerful what you said, I love him but I do not like him. That sums up how I felt and I am sure a ton of women feel on the site. I never thought I could feel that way, to love someone but not like them – before the affair, I would of said that statement doesn’t even make sense, how could one feel that way? Now, I totally get it that statement and I am glad someone else does as well.
Its hard Jewels, because for me I know that I wake up buoyant, happy, I see him and I sometimes feel the same because he looks the same, but then I remember and I sink, that’s when I have the hardest time. Its hard to know the stranger in his body, he is still the man I love, but so different, I am not sure I even CAN like him after everything he did, it was so horrible, but I do still love him and am trying. He is too or else this would not be happening. I would love to get revenge on the women he cheated with, but there is something that tells me they will get their just desserts, it may not always happen sooner, but later on in life the way they have chosen to live will catch up with them, I have seen it happen to people, so I believe in karma. I know I am the one who is the better woman here and I will prevail with or without him.
I guess the biggest “crazy” that I feel happened to me is that I went into Super Spy mode! And I am stuck and cannot get out…even a little over a year later.
I went crazy digging thru his stuff – found one of his business cards with passwords on it (for online “company” credit card, OUR Marriott hotel rewards account since he travels a lot for business, his e-mail, etc.). I hacked into them all to find 8 ‘free’ hotel rooms with our rewards points (during weekends he told he was going hunting). I ended up getting a GPS tracker; I started driving by his “bad” hang-outs (strip clubs), I always feel the need to check his phone now for texts or strange #’s.
AND I HATE THE FEELING!! I used to trust this man 110%!…but he has killed all trust and will not do what it takes to rebuild.
Soooo….although I moved out a couple weeks ago to my own apartment, as I go over to the house to try to clear out 25 years worth of stuff (little at a time as far as those boxes of memories, old Girl Scout crafts, closets, etc.), I still find myself checking on things! Why?! It shouldn’t matter any more; but I cannot seem to stop being ‘private detective’.
This past weekend I was there, and his work calendar was open on the microwave. He marks in other personal notes as well. So I see he marked in January 6 “Sandy-Sue moves out”. He diets and works out off and on; and had taken a break over the holidays. On January 13 was marked in as “work-out” at the top of day, then at bottom part of day it said “1rst time”. So I think worked out for the first time….but then I notice “work out” written in 2 more times since then…with no other notation, like 2nd or 3rd time. Of course, I started thinking “First time for what?” — date with someone else (he’s hasn’t been seeing anyone, just not remorseful or rebuilding), sex with someone else….FIRST TIME FOR WHAT? But I can’t ask him…because then he knows I am still snooping.
Also, we have a joint bank account for household bills; since property taxes are due now I have been putting in a little to help cover that cost…so even though I don’t live there any more I still check online to see “where he’s at”. I noticed mid last week that there was a pending charge to a large church in the area. So I go to that church’s website..and look around, to find out they have a DivorceCare support group starting on Mondays…workbook cost was the same amount as the pending charge.
Last night was the first night….and this church is not far from me. So what do I do — I got in my car and drove over there to see if his car was in the parking lot! And it was!! I’m not sure how to feel about it — he never mentioned it to me, so that makes me feel like he’s still not being open & honest about thing. Shouldn’t I feel better that he’s at a church support group and not the strip clubs, OF COURSE!!….but I just feel weird about it! Not once did he ever say to me “let’s go to church and see if it will help us work things out”. I had to drag him to an “Art of Marriage” seminar last February, only to have him go to her a few days later. Although that was the last time…since she finally ripped him off and revealed her true self…all about the money!!!
Any way — guess that’s my secret! That I am now the World’s #1 Private Detective! I don’t really like it….but I just cannot seem to stop! Even now that I have made that huge step and moved out, I continue to “check up”. I’m about a month away from turning 50, and cannot even believe that I am here at this crossroads in my life! THANKS JACKASS!
Sandy Sue, I too did the spy thing when he lived here. but when I kicked him out I deleted the spyware on his laptop because I thought I didn’t want to see what he was really doing and I thought we were headed for divorce. sort of wished I didn’t but I know in the long run it freed me a little. I knew what he was doing even without that spyware. But when he came back and we were working on us I put it back on for 4 1/2yr now only because I don’t trust him and don’t want to be hurt as he lives under my roof. Men don’t tell us anything they are thinking at all. It’s like prying teeth to get info. My husband did the same thing when we were seperated went talking to divorce lawyers and order online forms but never going to church for help. He kept it all to himself, I think he was always waiting for me to file. I never did because I was still not ready to make that step.
All of your stories and encouragement are keeping me afloat! Thanks for sharing. I feel crazy most days, its been 2 months since I found out. I found myself looking for release the week after d-day and I used trimming scissors to cut myself. I confess that the endorphin rush and physical pain is enough to drown out the emotional pain and I do find myself drawn to it again. On the plus side I am going to see a psychologist next week, hopefully I can resolve my depression and self-esteem issues.
Isthisreal/Sandy-Sue/Haunting Immoral
Isthisreal I am sorry to hear that you cut yourself to drown out your emotional pain. Be careful and make sure you talk to the psychologist about that, because that can quickly become a viscous cycle, and I see you already feel like doing it again. After that physical pain is gone, that emotional pain will be right there. I know the emotional pain is unbelievable, but I am so glad to hear that you are taking the initiative to see a psychologist, as you know there are so many women that are going through this, you are not alone and you are a survivor that will get through this. Make sure you keep in touch and let me know how your first session goes next week, take care!
Sandy-Sue - I had a short stint of that detective thing as well, and like you, even though it was over, if there was something that I could read to dig and find, you bet I would not leave it, I would grab and take it as far as I can. I think once someone lies so many times to us, we don’t know what to believe, and so instead of believing it, we doubt everything, which causes us to search and search. It can become an addiction. Especially when you find new stuff, in which you have, it’s like feeding the drug. Loved the ending to your comment ‘Thanks Jackass!’ – classic!!
Haunting Immoral – You are still new to this journey, it does take time so try not to be so hard on yourself as far as progress. So many women beat themselves up because they are not ‘over it’ during the first month or two. We are use to the quick fix, and unfortunately, this is not a quick fix type situation, but I think you are on the right track.
Just found out my husband has been sexting some girl at work…and acts like hes the victim..says he just wants to know that somebody else could want him and what he has.. Forgot to mention i am 5 months pregnant and our year anniversary is in April.. Help me im going insane..
Hi Sara, I know what you are going through. I found sexy texts last week too! our son is now 2 and a half and he hasn’t cheated on me since I was pregnant. I knew he was up to no good then, and found emails to craigslist escorts, credit card payments to escort agencys, and so much more… Since the birth of our son all has been great. I still didn’t trust him and periodicly looked through his phone and email. But actually felt he had changed. And he did… for the most part.
I always knew there was this girl who had had to deal with on the phone daily at his work who really liked him. His female co-workers told me this girl was rude to them because she thought they were his wife. He told me that he flirted with her harmlessly like “annie my love” for fun. But last week I found ” I wish I was lying in a big bed naked with you for 2 days” written by my husband!!! and plans to meet for lunch.
When confronted, he told me that she’s not his type but she had been so persistent for 2 years, that he considered sleeping with her because it felt nice to be desired by someone new.
He has now volunteered to start sex addiction therapy.
I’m still so hurt and lost and know in my heart I’ll never trust him.
I’d love some advice too!
Tina
Tina the texting sex thing hurts so bad! My H did this for 5yrs. Craigslist, Ashley Madison, you name it even did it right in front of me and then tried to hid his phone when I walked too close to him. I stayed in the marriage but fight my anger and triggers daily. I did forgive him but I cant forget and that what hurts me the most. I still haven’t dealt with my anger! I knew from the begining that computers where going to hurt my marriage. The first computer we ever got my husband and his friend went straight to porn sites and this was 21yrs ago. The man is now 52yrs old and still watches porn as if he was 15yrs old. Men think as long as they are not touching this OW it’s not cheating! Even his friend said this! This is just how a man thinks untill it happens to them then its considered cheating. I am glad he is going to sex addiction therapy he needs something to figure out why he does this and why he thinks this is ok.
Thanx, I just thought we were past all of this. And even if he didn’t sleep with her, I can’t stop thinking “what else he’s hiding from me that I haven’t found?” He has since cleared all history form his phone and email. So am I just teaching him how to cover his ass better?
And the biggest question in my head all of the time… I will never be enough for this man, will I?… I’ve always been so strong, but this really smothers that.
I often think I should get out while I still have some self respect. But he’s my son’s father.
Tina you can always check his cell usage on-line with whatever service you have. If you know the password to view the bill. If you go under his number and view usage you can see who he texted /called and what time he does it for everyday. I have even called some of the #s that showed up on my husband cell phone just to make sure they weren’t OW #’s. I know is not the way I want to live but I have trust issues still, and until he can prove me wrong they will stay were they are.
Tina – Speaking from experience, I would say do not stay just because he’s your son’s father. While my husband did not begin to cheat until we were at the 24-year marriage mark, I was unhappy with basic marital issues — and didn’t have a lot of self respect either, due a lot to his ‘verbal abuse’.
My husband & I both come from divorced parents and we both thought ‘better to stay together than to put our kids through that’. I even left almost 5 years ago, to have him “wake up” and beg me for counseling and telling me how I was his life and he couldn’t live without me.
So I went home after 7 months living on my own, worked on things as the kids were graduating and becoming young adults (yet still with some problems); and after about 3 years…I finally got to that “good place” between he and I, as we became empty nesters, both got better jobs, etc……only to overhear a phone conversation several months into my ‘happy place’ and find out that he was in an all-out affair with a girl barely older than our oldest daughter! Can you say mid-life crisis??
I was told he’d met her at a club (he used to go listen to music, so I thought one of those — I used to trust him implicity, that is all gone now)…but then found out a couple months after discovery that no, he actually met her at a strip club! (All of this info did come from him, as I kept finding some “new issue” every couple weeks). Then I googled her phone number and what popped up — ESCORT ADS!!! When I had initially googled the number at discovery (couple months earlier), there was nothing. But she had apparently been an escort a few years before, and I guess as her gravy train was running out (MY husband!), she decided to start “escorting” again.
I guess since you mentioned the escorts as a problem your husband has…it touched home with my story a little. And since your said your son is only 2-1/2, I would just hate to see you waste so many more years simply staying together for the sake of your son.
Although my husband is no longer seeing this girl, I know I’ve dealt with this whole cheating business (and with a stripper/escort) and the lose of what self-respect I had left (or had rebuilt) for an entire year now. He has shown very little remorse or rebuilding effort, so I finally got an apartment about a month ago — 1 year after discovery.
I will be 50 next month, and never thought I’d be here at this stage of my life. Literally starting over! I just wish I had gone ahead and left back when I first began feeling ‘unhappy’ just with the basics. At least I wouldn’t have been put through this ultimate betrayal. And that’s why I cannot imagine you having to deal with the deception and pain and heartache and the loss of trust that comes with the discovery of the cheating.
He’s put you through it before (while you were pregnant, no less); something is going on now with him and this co-worker; you do not trust him and are hurting. I do seriously hope that the sex addiction counseling will help him; but PLEASE put yourself first!
Warmest regards,
Sandy-Sue
For me its dealing with all this anger….the anger he has caused me when I learned he was cheating on me while I was pregnant; the anger he has caused me because my whole idea of a good relationship has been tarnished. I think back when we first started dating and I question whether or not he was truthful to me then. I don’t look at him the same..I don’t look at him with LOVE; I look at him and think what the HELL ELSE could he be up to. I am suspicious of everything, and I hate that feeling that he has put upon me! I want to HIT HIM so badly so he can feel SOME of the pain he has caused me!!!!
I am sooo angered that after all he put me through; pregnant and then finally coming clean (DUMBASS); since they both work together-she approached him the other night. Demanded to get into his car; then after EVERYTHING HE HAS ALREADY PUT ME THROUGH…he gives her a ride home. I was dumbfounded, yet I am the one causing all this drama…are you kidding me? REALLY?????? The punchline is; the girl is trash; she only works 3 days a week because she is on government assistance; she has no idea who the father of her child is; she doesnt have a CAREER…and lives at home with her parents at the age of 31, smokes pot and probably needs to save the last three brain cells left. THEN has the audascity to send me a letter on facebook ALL MAD AND BRAGGING about how she was with my man while I was pregnant..as a woman that is not something I would be bragging about. SADLY..the letter was pathetic because half the words if not all of them were all spelled incorrectly. PATHETIC coming from someone with 4 degrees behind her belt. HES A FOOL and SHES AN EVEN BIGGER FOOL but I cannot help being SOOOOOOOOO ANGERED!
Hello Gabigirl,
Yes it seems like anger has gotten the best of you. I would get angry just looking at my husband. Be careful with holding onto the anger, because I started to get some health problems, and it was because I was uptight, tense and angry all the time, and my body could not handle the stress.
Him giving her a ride home – yes that would make me upset as well, not cool at all. And the part about acting like he doesn’t see a problem with it? – He is working your every nerve, that would work mine. I guess at this point you need to assess what your options are, and what would be your next step, because you can not live in anger forever and you can not keep getting your nerves worked up either, it’s not good for you as a whole.
A great website…It kinda hurts to be in such state and it gets worser in the other part of the world where i stay. Where marriages are made only once and that too arranged marriages.
My story is sickest of all because i am married to a very smart man who can cheat any one on this planet and remain as calm as he is doing no crap. He has been cheating on me and my little daughter for 5 years now and it continues. One day i hope i find the man who would take me and my daughter with all hands and then i will leave this jerk in a state of shock. I am dealing this with silence ABSOLUTE silence and I am not fighting. I withdrew from all sort of attachments. I stopped paying the house loan which we did together, bought another house and paying that loan. All i live for is just me and my daughter…Atleast her life be with some one who can be open/transparent/honest and love her with all his life and heart.. I sometimes wonder can there be ever a man with a true heart. When they all die where would GOD land them?
On Frinda the 27th of January 2012, I found out that my husband is cheating. I was so confused, I think I drove around town for about 5 hours until I landed at his sisters place. I slept there and in the morning I told his sister what just happened….. the confusion felt so intense I thought I was going mad…
I went back to my house to try and think things through, it was hard cause my husband was there and he wanted me to talk to him. That night I went on a hectic drinking spree and came back at 3 am. He was not impressed but I felt I had no one to answer to.
We spoke on Sunday and he said he was sorry and that he told that girl not to call her ever again.
2 days later while we were talking about his mess the same girl called again. He lied about it and said he would call her back later cause he cant talk. It felt like someone took a knife and stuck right through my gut.
I spoke to his mother but she kept on bringing up other issues and telling me that he said he was sorry and I should forgive him if he says sorry.
After talking to his mother I went home and he was speaking the same language that I cant just want to go home everytime I am mad but this man will give me AIDS what must I do….
It’s been 5 days and it feels like a lifetime- the pain is so real… I get confused often, I forget to do the bed…
He insist I should cook for him by the away not sure y cause I dont have kids with him.
*sigh* I am HURT!
Sasa/Barash
Sasa –
Welcome to the devastation stage, it is pain that is unreal. The lies and secrecy come out and it’s tough to understand that your husband would do this. I know your mother means well, and I believe many times women just looked the other way in the past. But these days for several reasons, we can not just look the other way. I think you also feel in your heart that he is not telling you everything.
He insists that you should cook for him? He seems like a very traditional man where he expects you to fulfill your ‘wife’ duties regardless of what is going on. I can’t tell you what to do in your marriage, but if I were in your shoes, I would tell him you are too weak to do that stuff right now, that you can even think straight let alone cook, you need to process.
It’s been 5 days so the pain is still fresh, I would not make any major decisions at this time because the pain is still overwhelming to you. Try to relax, breathe and eat and once you get better you can focus on next steps.
Barash,
Thanks for the kind words about the site. 5 years is a long time to be dealing with this. It is amazing how some men act like ‘what’s wrong, I am not doing anything wrong’. It like really?? It’s seems like in your culture marriage is only once and that your peers/family will make you feel bad for leaving, which adds more pressure to everything. At the same time, I see such strength in you. The fact that you got a place, and that you are working towards ensuring a life for you and your daughter is wonderful. You ask are there any good men out there – YES YES YES!!! I know this site is full of stories of cheating, but within this site are stories of men that have been devastated by their wives cheating. And for that reason it gives me hope and understanding that their are good men out there – so keep having faith that you will get through this and meet someone that will treat you right, take care.
just found out. left his email open. I’m so hurt. And he is so verbally abusive.
I sent the mail to my email
then like a fool i left mine open-
he deleted what I had sent
what can i do?
I too found emails-he stated at first that they were “just friends” that it was “just a joke”. I made copies of the emails. I believe he has created new email account to use for communication with her. They are pilots and fly together-coincidence? He denies everything, then says they “set me up” because he suspected I was snooping. We have kids- how much evidence do I need before enough is enough- I have nothing more than emails stating, “I miss you, wish you were here xoxox” I am a fool. And yes, totally consumed, confused, distraught. The warning signs are there
Alex – I heard that one before, “oh I wanted you to see that’, in my case, it was just a lie to get off the topic of what I found. It’s crazy because when he said that, I was so thrown for a loop, he said I wanted you to see that – what in the world!! I think you know in your heart what you saw, regardless of what he said. It’s always a tough call with kids involved, and especially hard for you, if they are traveling/working together, that must be tough.
Kate – The concern I have is that instead of talking to you about it, he deleted it. Which means that he wants to act like nothing is going on. You know in your heart what you saw, he will try to make you seem like you are crazy, but you know what you saw. Just be careful, verbal abuse can become physical, you know your husband well, so you know how far you can take the conversation, all I will say is that you know what you saw, even if you do not see it now.
me and my husband have been seperated for a year. he has moved in and out several times since then. the last time he moved out was about 3 months ago. and he wants a divorce. he is not with her anymore(so he says). the ow was calling and torturing me about details. i go to court wensday for the divorce i dont want! how do i get over him he was my best friend and i still love him. but he thinks this is for the best. any advice would help!
I apologize, to all of you, for reading your “Crazy” stories and finding an inexplicable sense of comfort. Not in your suffering but, for the first time since this nightmare began, I don’t feel completely alone. For that, I thank each of you. Robin
I believe my story is the worst ever. If I wrote a book about it it would be a best seller. My problem is I do not want to humiliate my child by exposing the problems. My child looks upto dad as a role model. Any exposure will affect my child’s emotional well being and hence I am putting up with it and it is killing me. Met him 31 years ago and married for 28. I caught the cheating 4years ago when I found photos deleted on the computer but was still not emptied. The explanation was there was no physical contact and it was just 3 dinner meetings to get over his problems.. Then there were text messages with a young person the same age as the daughter (this is someone different) . The messages were I love you dad from the person and his response of I love you too.. Here the explanation was it was a platonic father daughter relationship etc. Text messages were many per day according to the phone log. After that lots of massage parlors, spa, ktv, night club visits. Yes these were business entertainment that had to be done for work purposes. All on business travel to Asia and living in hotels……. Yes I am the one who is crazy and do not trust him. That is what it has now come down to. I too almost believed it until the last trip. I tracked the phone. He was telling me he was at a particular place and the phone tracking obviously showed that he lied. So now I know I am not imagining and that he is lying. Worst yet signed up for a marriage counselling retreat and he walked away. Before walking away he said that he did lie but claimed he was still a good person. The reason… he lied because I was always suspcious …It was the other work colleagues who were the womanisers and were fooling around with women. He was a person of strict morals and I was lucky to be with him. Sorry for the way I am writing this since I have no energy to write it well. I am so distraught and there is a huge part of my heart that is aching and I do not know how to heal and feel better. If anyone lives in this area please let me know. It would be great to have a companion to share the secrets and get the moral support that I need. We are both catholics and hence this has shattered me in every way. After 31 years I am not sure who this man is anymore? All incidents happened in Asia but lately I believe it is happening in out of town visits too. I am a professional capable of earning and taking care of my self. Financial needs are not even an issue for me to stay in this marriage. However I do worry if I got a divorce the money would be wasted. I am not comunicating with him at all and have moved into a different room in the house. He has gone off again on a 3week business trip (aka massage excitement) to Asia. Thanks
Jamie/Robin/Jeany
Jamie, I wish I could give you a big hug. By the time everything was over, I felt we were two different people, but in your case, he was truly your best friend. The OW calling you is insane, some of these women are really scary. I think when he says ‘it’s for the best’ I really think he means, ‘Your a great person, who deserves a great man, and since I betrayed you, I do not want to take you back and potentially hurt you again.”. If he is not with the OW,he is making the move that is painful now, but is so much less painful than taking him back and then getting hurt all over again by your best friend. He doesn’t want to do that and he is letting you go so that the right man can come into your life. Don’t let the website fool you, there are good men out there, and you will meet one. Hugs.
Robin – Thanks so much for your comment, it made me smile.
Jeany – Yes it seems like your husband is playing games, not sure if you are intimate, if so, make sure you use protection. I believe you are staying with your husband for the kids and because you do not want to waste money on a divorce. But be careful for your reasons, the worst type of loss is the lost of YOU, the lost of you feeling good about life, living life full of meaning, that is a bigger loss than all the money in the world. Your daughter wants you to be happy, as parents we should our kids how to live through us. So just make sure you stay for the right reasons, and do not sacrifice your own happiness for anyone. Knowing that he is doing this all the time is really eating at you. Be careful and take care of yourself.
Great Site! i have been supportive of this guy – married him when he had nothing(and i mean just that – nothing) we work together with me holding the backbone of what we do while he does the sales and marketing. We’ve been married for 11yrs and i trusted him so much i was a fool.
All the excuses the cheating men give on this site is true to me. “She doesnt mean anything to me, its you i love”, “am just fooling around”, “i felt lonely”, “we are just exchanging (sexually explicit) words”,”i am not doing anything wrong, you are just being suspicious” and more recently “since you dont trust me, i might as well do it” and so on.
i am so frustrated and sooo angry i wish i could physically harm all his girlfriends. Anytime he’s caught he eventually apologizes and says he will not get in touch with them again. I believe him. Months later i find yet another incriminating text or chat or receipt under a different phone number/name and when i confront him he first acts as if am insane and the problem is with me, then he blames me then he says hes sorry that he is trying to stop. I believe him. Months later i find that some of the numbers actually belongs to his old girlfriends! i confront him and he first acts as though am insane, gets very angry and say i have a problem and the cycle continues.
i am thinking of not working for him again. problem is if i stop, the business will be affected and people may lose their jobs. i also think that th only reason he eventually apologises is because he doesnt want me to stop working. i feel used and bitter, this has been going on for over 5yrs. i dont want to leave him because of my children but i dont know what to do.
On the funny side, the crazy thing i did was i went through the presents he brought back from a trip and saw some sexy underwear that were not my size. So i called a friend and gave her the underwear as a present from me – just to find out later that a common male friend had asked him to give it to his friend!
I have felt so alone and cant tell anyone as dont want to hurt anyone around me. I have just found out my husband has been cheating on my with random women (not an affair – but does this matter??), one off a dating site, the other 2 or so prostitutes, (possiblely more – his word is of course now forever questionable). I really cant believe this is happening to me. I am a nice, good person and put my children and family first, as they should be. We are only in our 4th year of marriage – so should be newly weds, and similar to one of the ladies above, this happened during my second pregnancy ( I have a 2 yr old and a 4 month old)…can you believe it? What an asshole? What is WRONG with these men? Why cant they just grow up? Things emotionally between us were pretty good, notwithstanding less intimacy during the pregnancy, but that sometimes happens right? So the weak husband cant handle not being “wanted” all the time so seeks something to satisfy his desires out of the sanctity of marriage??? Anger, hurt and humiliation and a sense of loss, mourning a relationship we once had, or I thought we had, is what I feel. Emptiness. He desperately wants to not be that person and is so sorry for all the hurt he caused me, and is seeking counselling. But I cant help but think – will I ever truly trust him again – respect him again – really want to be with him authentically again?….I am at a loss as how to move forward, and how to deal with these feelings…..
liz i understand what u are going thru. and i am sorry for u! my divorce was granted yesterday. i feel like my heart has broken into tiney pieces. i loved my husband very much. i wish i could give u advice but i have not figured it out either. i stay at home and try to talk to family only. i am very depressed. if u figure out a way let me know.
My crazy moments were quite violent towards his stuff also. I cut up all his hats because he’s always complaining how he can never find any (he leaves them lying around and always points out the house is too messy and that’s why he can’t find them) I even cut out stencil words ‘Loser’ into one of them (I am crafty) I also cut up his shoes laces. I may have cut up more things, it was all a blur of rage.
I wrote ‘Loser’ (ingeniously I might add) onto a lot of his shirts, so it wasn’t really noticeable it was part of a logo. (this was funny weeks later when a forgotten one would turn up on him) Sometime in the first week of finding out, I found a hammer, whoopee! I dented his extra parts car (that was exhilarating) I thought of smashing the windows but I wasn’t quite that far gone.
I smashed up his bike in the back shed too. And get this, he had the nerve to say to me ‘Honey, I use that bike to rehabilitate my knee which helps me work and make money for the family.’ What! YOU’RE trying to guilt trip me? NOW!? Whoa whoa back up mister, you mean the family you just tried to break apart, possibly sending it into two different households causing us to have to pay more money. So now I’m the bad guy, I don’t care about our financial future…
I swear he cares more about his image than what he did to me and the kids, he doesn’t want anyone to know what he’s done, or that he made a mistake. He wishes I didn’t dent his car because when his carpool guys picked him up they saw and knew exactly what happened embarrassing him. Geez, if we’re getting it all out there, I wish you didn’t flirt with my sister… in our own home… right in front of me… sneak into her room while I was sleeping… etc etc. How did this happen? Why is my hubby acting so trashy. He’s a smart guy, I like to think we both are smart people with bright futures. In fact he’s really into self help and self image kind of books and pretends he’s always improving himself, but clearly IT’S NOT WORKING.
It’s been three months now and the crazy is mostly done, but lately I’ve been getting so angry and I feel like smashing things. He apologizes of course and says it will never happen again, but I just don’t believe him. He’s always been a bit mean to me, I want to believe him, but I think I’m old enough now to know better. We’ve been together for 10 yrs and married for 9, we got married when I was 22. I don’t want to break up our home and have the kids go through a divorce. At the same time, I cannot be treated like this. I think this event has opened my eyes in a major way, it has shown me that I am in charge of my life, not him. It’s shown me that he is mentally/emotionally abusive, trying to control me with his words, and I’m not going to take it anymore, I see him in a totally different light now. When I’m not in pain or depressed, I am completely happy because I am free from his grip now. I am not afraid to lose him because he’s shown me there is not much to lose. I still love him, like one commentor said, but I don’t like him. He’s the father of my children, and he’s a good daddy.
I just don’t understand how you could claim to love someone and do this to them. I just found this site and I plan to read everyone’s stories, it’s very therapeutic, thanks for reading.
Undecided with 4 Kids – Hello, welcome to the site. The crafty loser hat was funny
. Men and this darn image thing, because of that it’s so hard to tell if they want to stay together because of you, or the image. I love the word you wrote below, they are so powerful and sum up my journey in recovery from this experience, thanks for sharing.
“At the same time, I cannot be treated like this. I think this event has opened my eyes in a major way, it has shown me that I am in charge of my life, not him. It’s shown me that he is mentally/emotionally abusive, trying to control me with his words, and I’m not going to take it anymore, I see him in a totally different light now. When I’m not in pain or depressed, I am completely happy because I am free from his grip now. I am not afraid to lose him because he’s shown me there is not much to lose. I still love him, like one commenter said, but I don’t like him. He’s the father of my children, and he’s a good daddy.”
Liz - there is no way to tell, you are going to have to listen to that voice inside of you to know if he is really taking the counseling and recovery seriously, he will let you know through his actions, and his actions will either help rebuild trust, or do the opposite.
Jamie I am sorry you are depressed. Remember you are strong for going through with the divorce, even through all you can see is pain right now.
bewildered – I am glad you like the site. The cycle your husband is putting you through over and over again is not right. It seems like you feel very stuck because of the business and the kids. The problem is maybe he senses that, maybe he knows you will never leave and that is why he continues to hurt you. In the next couple of weeks, search for alternatives to the situation. I do not think you have to take this kind of treatment, there has to be more options that just stay or leave, search for other options that you can explore. Take Care.
This post brightened up my day since i stay home. My husband cheated on me when we were dating and I found out 6 months ago. But I’m still crazy today. He claims it was only once but what bugs me is it was his ex girlfriend. They lost their virginity together vacationed together he knows all her family he even would stop by behind my back just to hang out with her mother! I found out when i was going through his email looking for a document he needed for work. Did I tell you the “one” time he claimed he cheated she got pregnant but she got an abortion mind you I was pregnant the same time. He never took me on vacation he doesn’t even get along with my family. When I found out I keyed his car and punched him iN the face and chipped his tooth. I thought I would feel better with time but I’m still so angry I don’t know what to do. He isn’t cheating but I wish he could take it back
Thanks for your kind words Jewels. Although we come from different cultures, religious beliefs, socio economic backgrounds we all share the common ground of deep hurt. This hurt brings about feelings of anger, self pity and revenge and all can occur at same or different times. How do we deal with these emotional roller coaster rides? I am trying and am trying. Some days are great but just when I feel that I am getting better I suddenly change course with my emotions and sob like hell and go right back down. Some one out there is going to give me the strength to get through this. Hopefully a year from now I will be able to give advice to others on how to deal with these emotions from hell. Especially to those who have been together for more than 20-30 years. It is easy for people to say let go of the past focus on yourself and move on. Only those who have been in this position can understand how hard it is to put those words into action. When you let go of the past you let go of all your beliefs, your principals and your morals and values. Because they become meanigless. You ask yourself what a fool you are to believe in them. As part of my revenge I signed on to a website for dating to flirt away but cannot do it. I feel guilty that I am betraying a belief that has been instilled in me from childhood. To be faithful to only one man. I want to tell the whole world that he is a cheater and show his true colors but I cannot do it he is the father of my child. I cannot hurt her. So here I am writing about my feelings and thought processes. Perhaps this is my outlet to help me feel better. Your website is an avenue to let my emotions out without revealing my identity and I am so thankful to you for giving us this support. Happy Valentines day to all and a special hug from one lonely wife to all other wives and ex wives out there.
Jeany
Jeany – i know that feeling! Happy valentines day to you too.
Hello everyone.
I am active duty military and currently serving in Afghanistan. My story, in so many ways is just like everyone elses here. I found out in Oct (two months) before I was due to deploy in December that my husband (active duty military) had been cheating and had gotten his ex pregnant (civilian)…in a whole other country/state. She should of had the baby on 6 Feb. We are going through a very complicated time right now and I do plan on divorcing him. My story is really long and I would love to post it someday, but right now… I just wanted to say thank you to all of the women posting their stories here. It helps me to understand that I AM the victim and he & his lover will be held accountable by military authorities. It is not okay what he did and although he might not want to talk to me, I will not be forced or persuaded by him or anybody else to keep me from pursuing adultery charges against him. The anger is slowly leaving, but I still go in/out of emotions ranging from depression/rage/happiness/love/confusion. I have translated the anger into keeping busy with work/school/voluteer activities. I will succeed in this, even under these rough conditions that I am under in Afghanistan! I will make my family & friends proud of me! I will divorce him. I will love again and be happy and trusting in someone! I will complete my Master’s Degree by this summer and I will continue to fight for our country and those of you that believe in marriage and monogamy! Keep fighting the good fight and keep posting! Soldiers like me are using this as support:-)
A6 - Thanks for sharing your story and serving our country. I could not imagine how it would feel to try and serve and deal with the pain of having your husband get someone else pregnant. I love your message in the end about getting through this, succeeding, and finding love again. I can so see that happening for you because of your faith and determination not to let the situation get the best of you and not close you off to life’s opportunities. I definitely feel the same way and your comment reminded me that I need to write about that more. I am honored that it is being used as a means of support, take care!
Jeany – Yes it is amazing how pain crosses all cultures, ages, everything. We are bonded in that way and this site has taught me a great deal about what bonds us is so much more than what separates us. As far as your emotions, the key is not to ‘deal’ with the emotions, the key is to embrace it. What I mean by that is many women try to get rid of the pain, erase it, they just want to feel better, and in the attempt to hurry and get rid of it, they self-sabotage their own recovery. I did this for months. I held on to trying to control the outcome, trying to move the roller coaster in my direction. I had to just ride. And during the ride try to look inward at what I was feeling. Once I accepted the emotions and faced them head on, I started to understand it better. You are making progress, you do not see if because you are in the thick of it, but since I was where you were, I can see things that you can not see in yourself at this time. Keep having faith that you will get through this. And thanks for your kind words about the site, much appreciated.
Stayhomewmn – Welcome, isn’t it funny how you think hurting him (keying the car, punching) will make you feel better but it doesn’t. part of my anger was the fact that he did not understand how painful this was! I wanted him to be angry, upset, depressed and he wasn’t and that made me go crazy!!
Eventually you are going to have to sit down and reflect on this anger, if not, it will eat you alive, seriously. You have to question the anger, try to understand the true source of it and try to extract it because it will take on it’s own life form in your life.