I was having lunch with a co-worker who is very happy now in his second marriage. I asked him what happened in his first marriage (in which he was married for 12 years). He said during the first year, he cheated on his wife, and he feels that she never was able to recover from it. This scared me for 3 reasons.
1.) Even after working on your marriage after the affair for 12 years, they still ended up in divorce.
2.) The fact that he said she was still angry and bitter over the affair 12 years later was sad.
3.) He seems to understand he was wrong, but he is very happy now, and she still seems to have some issues….I would imagine that the opposite would be true. He did this to her, he should be messed up, not her!!
He did make me feel better when he explained that he really doesn’t think they worked on it after the infidelity. They just got along to get along and slept in separate beds with no intimacy for the next 10 years. He also said that there were other things going on in the relationship that also contributed to the divorce.
The thing that really made me think is that they both stayed in the relationship unhappily but not miserable for 12 years before they got divorced!! I don’t want to stay in a relationship unhappy, just going through the motions for that long (See Dealing with Infidelity). And I certainly don’t want you to do the same. It is perfectly normal to transition to what I call ‘limbo stage’ where you are just going through the motions until you decide what you want to do, but please try not to stay in this stage for 12 years. You deserve better. Stay strong and have a great holiday!!
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