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My Story

(This is of course the mini-version)

My husband (ex-husband updated May 2012) cheated – while I was pregnant.  I was hurt and devastated.  I never thought my husband would cheat on me, but he did. My journey to recovery was filled with many tears and pain, but in time, I was able to recover and discover a strength within myself that I never knew I had. It is my believe that the strength that I found within myself is within each of you, no matter where you are in your journey.

I hope that in writing this blog, you can be empowered and encouraged to come out of this experience stronger and wiser, weather you decide to stay or leave the marriage. It’s a long journey, but never give up fighting for the joy that is within you. In the middle of the storm, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and remember, you are not alone.

~~Jewels

{ 205 comments… read them below or add one }

Maxi Fields March 12, 2010 at 12:23 PM

You are brave and courageous in doing this, everything you’ve written is on the money for those of us who have been through it and are going through it now. The thing is, I’ve gone through it twice – can you believe it? With my first husband, it blew me away because I never thought he would do such a thing. However, I was young and dumb, married too early in life. Second time, second husband – my, “soulmate” – it was the last thing on my mind that he might be guilty of doing and this time, hurt so much more, it cut me to the core of my soul.

My neighbor when married to my first husband, she was another one that thought he would never do such a thing. I wonder did she ever find out that he had? You see, like you, she was pregnant when her husband cheated, she was in the hospital following the birth of their son, the two night while she was in – he was cheating. My husband ordered me to stay out of it, don’t say at thing – I didn’t. Oh well – come join me, and others like me at facebook – there’s a group there – Wives Of Cheating FB Husbands – get it off your chest, it really helps.

Jewels from USA March 12, 2010 at 9:34 PM

Thanks Maxi for the compliment and for sharing your story, your words of going through this experience twice is heartbreaking to read. Your neighbor’s husband was cheating while she was in the hospital, my husband might of been doing the same thing, I don’t put anything past him now. But I see that your already making a positive difference in creating a Facebook page for others to share and support each other. I wish you the best and a speedy recovery!!

k June 7, 2010 at 2:35 AM

SO HAPPY TO FIND YOUR BLOG. I AM GOING THRU THIS NOW (SINCE FEB) HOWEVER I AM NOT SURE IF WE ARE REALLY WORKING THINGS OUT RIGHT NOW. I THINK I AM GONNA HAVE HIM MOVE OUT IN OCT OR NOV ( AM HAVING MAJOR SURGERY IN SEPT) I WILL BE OUT OF WORK FOR A MONTH WITH NO PAY. BY SEPERATING THIS WAY IT IS A BIT EASIER ON THE KIDS AND FINANCIALY WE ARE ABLE TO PLAN THE SEPERATION AND BILLS ETC…
UGH!! IM SO VERY FRUSTRATED TONIGHT! SOME DAYS I WANT TO WORK IT OUT AND OTHERS I CAN NOT WAIT FOR HIM TO LEAVE! IM SO VERY UNDECIDED ON WHAT IS THE RIGHT PATH! AS I AM SURE ANY WOMAN IS AFTER FINDING OUT SUCH AWFUL NEWS!

ANYWAYS I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR WRITING YOUR BLOG! I WILL BE FOLLOWING. ALSO GOOD UCK IN YOUR JOURNEY TO SAVING YUR MARRIAGE!

Jewels from USA June 7, 2010 at 8:37 PM

Thanks so much K for your comment!! It is such an emotional roller coaster, I am just now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope everything works out with your surgery and the move. Take care…..

MS July 30, 2010 at 10:58 AM

I am 3 weeks into finding out my husband had been cheating on me for the past year. The emotional rollercoaster is exactly what I am on right now! The triggers are terrible. I am pretty sure the other woman is out of the picture now (he found out she was “cheating” on him during their relationship) but the distrust I feel for him is overwhelming. All the lies and deceit over the past year makes me want to turn into a person that I am not! We are working on saving and fixing our marriage, but my self-esteem and confidence are non-exisistent right now…….I hope with reading and sharing with others that have gone through it will help me get to a better place soon. Thanks.

MS July 30, 2010 at 2:48 PM

I just got through with reading your ebook! Thank you! Even though it’s only been 3 weeks since I found out, I have gone through much of what you described in your ebook.

Jewels from USA July 30, 2010 at 3:43 PM

MS, Thanks for taking the time to comment about the ebook.

Jewels from USA July 30, 2010 at 3:51 PM

MS, this is my response to your previous post :)

Yes you are in a tough place right now, as each day goes by, you will gain knowledge courage, and strength. That’s interesting that you talk about self-esteem and confidence, my confidence it pretty high right now, and I was right where you were as far as how your feeling so trust me, you can recovery. I am in the process of writing another ebook about to to regain your personal confidence after the affair. So your comment is motivating me to continue to write in hopes of helping others. Take care.

MS July 30, 2010 at 4:15 PM

Thank you for this blog and sharing your experiences with the rest of us……….this is my 2nd husband and we’ve been together almost 9 years. It never entered my mind that he would do this…..

Carol October 13, 2010 at 6:19 AM

In May I discovered my husband of 20 years was having some sort of relationship with his high school girlfriend. He told me he was helping her with a difficult divorce and she was helping him with how to help me (I’ve had a long medical illness, severe depression). I attempted suicide. About 2 months later we filed for divorce. His relationship w/ her has intensified. Most hurtful was going to OUR house on a Sunday afternoon and finding her there with her 3 children. New family day apparantly. Unforgivable. This man sickens me.

Jewels from USA October 13, 2010 at 12:07 PM

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Sometimes men don’t realize how hurtful and depressing cheating can be. First and foremost, the world is a better place because of your suicide not ending in death. You survived for a reason that is so much bigger than yourself. You will get through this and will be able to smile again, although it’s hard to see right now.

Your husband bringing the women into the home is him not thinking straight. My husband brought this women into our home as well, but not in front of my face. The thought of another women being in our homes sickens all of us. That is one of the reasons I am leaving the house, I can’t stand that she was in our home that we created.

Seeing that you filed for divorce now is a time for healing for you. I hope that you can get out of the living situation soon, because seeing both of them together is not healthy at all. You are now embarking on a new journey on your life. Once you get through the pain, there will be brighter things in store for you. Think about what you always wanted to do and do it. Now that you are divorced, your husband is no longer your concern. The only reason I say that is because if you make it your concern, he is going to continue to hurt you. Your concern should be you now, be selfish to yourself, do things that make you happy, and one day, you will make it through this storm. Best of luck to you!!

Chris November 11, 2010 at 3:40 PM

I just read your ebook and loved it. Thank you so much for sharing your story and this website. The emotional pain this experience takes us through is devastating and what you wrote in your ebook helps so much. I am going to have my husband read it tonight. It has only been 2 weeks since I found out, but I am hoping at some point we can move on. I have been spending all my time worrying about what I should do. Stay or leave. I am so happy to have found this website to know there are so many others going through the same thing. I still want him to suffer, why shouldn’t he, when I have to. Boy I have a long way to go in the healing process. I am just glad to have this site and all the strong women out there for support.

Jewels from USA November 11, 2010 at 11:21 PM

Thanks so much Chris for taking the time to read my ebook and comment on how it’s helped you. Responses like your keep me motivating to continue to write about this experience.

Chris November 12, 2010 at 3:55 PM

Thanks, Jewels. I had my husband read your ebook last night. He really sat down and read it. He said he agree’s with what’s in there. He is even doing some of it to try to work it out. Although these are all good signs, it still doesn’t take away the hurt I feel for being betrayed by him. He says he feels guilty and is sorry he hurt me. But I feel like how can he be hurting when he made the choice. Is he only saying he is hurting because he got caught? I feel if he had not been caught, he never would have told me. He admits he would rather have it all go away. But why should I let that happen? Why should I be the only one who feels the horrible pain every day. Why shouldn’t I tell his family and friends what he did? His girlfriend actually told my brother before I knew about it. So now my family knows and I feel horrible about staying with him after what he did. I just don’t think I can even start working on the relationship yet until I can somehow get past what he did. Is this the way it works?

Jewels from USA November 12, 2010 at 10:42 PM

Chris,

The fact that your husband actually read the book is a good sign. Most women I talk with can’t get their husbands to read a book or go to therapy. So he is actually showing some good indicators. But him trying is not going to make the pain go away, the pain is something that is hurt inside of you. Meaning you have to go through your own personal recovery outside of the marriage recovery to figure out what you need to mend your broken heart. Your husband is on the right track, BUT you are very correct in that trust is totally gone. The only way to build it up is one step at a time. Time is the key word, it is going to take time. My husband would say he is going somewhere with a friend, and then call me with the friend in the background, just so I knew. Little things like that over a long period of time can mend the relationship. But you really fresh into finding out. Take some time to be alone (outside of the house, house has too many triggers :) and just think by yourself. Your in too much pain to start to work on the relationship, let him drive until your ready. My family knew as well about the affair (I actually told) and it is a bit uncomfortable, people really did not understand why I was still married and living with him. BUT remember, most of them have no idea how painful this really is, it’s not like the movies, they don’t know your entire story, so you really have to ignore those comments that make you feel bad from family – they really just don’t get it, and 9 times out of 10, if they were in the same situation, they would be right where you are :))

Mrs Bigs December 2, 2010 at 9:21 PM

Hey Jewels!
I read your e-book and I really enjoyed it! It made me laugh and cry. I’m so sorry about your experience and I hope that things continue to get better for you and your family daily! I love the advise and support you have to share with all of us. You’re wonderful! I will be visiting your website as much as possible. I’m excited to start reading all of your post from when you started to the most resent. I have been reading many articles and other sites where women have posted their comments about affairs but yours is by far the best. One reason I like to read what you have shared is not only because I am going through this trauma as well it’s also because your fun and funny personality shines through in your writing. I love to laugh and I have even found myself making jokes about the whole thing even when I haven’t felt like laughing. Seems like I can always get myself to laugh with some of the stuff I think of. I guess it’s one way we can help heal ourselves. Thank you!! TTYL

Jewels from USA December 4, 2010 at 8:13 AM

Thanks Mrs. Bigs for making me smile, I have a feeling it’s going to be a great day!!

Heather January 12, 2011 at 12:45 AM

My husband and I have been for over seven years. The OW came by to let me know about her among my business on the night before Christmas eve of this year, while he was sleeping on the couch as he “didn’t feel good”, which is how he usually seems lately. Since he is in the Nat’l Guard (but working there on a full time basis), he was home “on leave”, which I now know is BS. I have set up an online banking account for his account, and can see where, and on what days he uses his debit card. When she came and told me that they had been seeing each other for the past two months, I immediately kicked him out, and he left. Maybe he went back to her, maybe back to the base, I really didn’t care, because if he stayed at home, I probably would have killed him. I am guardian of my seven year old grand-daughter who was home at the time. After cleaning out his side of the closet, I found more evidence that this was true, even though he told me that “She’s just a gold digging ????? trying to ruin a relationship.” Well pal, I didn’t just fall off of the turnip truck….why would anyone do that out of the blue? Anyway, to make a long story short, he came home tonight and after further attempts to lie, he told the truth, but wants to go to marriage counseling and try to save our marriage. At this point, I’m not sure that I want that, or him anymore. I’m content with myself, even though I miss the good times and think about what we HAD…I just don’t know if I can go back to that ever again. Not only that, why should I subject myself to possibly further hurt? I work full time, go to school full time, take care of bills, mortgage, and basically everything. Right now I’m leaning toward punishing him now. He wants to fix this, and I have the power to say yay or nay. I don’t want to make my decision based on getting back at him, only to regret it later BUT, I’m thinking that it would make me feel so good and then in a few days, weeks, months, I’ll regret it. I guess I do have to make that decision myself, but as I told him….I can forgive, but I can NEVER forget. Right now, I can’t even imagine the thought of him kissing me, touching me, or even talking nicely to me. Right now, I guess I really am hating him, but deep down I know that I still have a little bit of feeling left for him (and I hope it’s not that I feel sorry for his sorry excuse of a human being). I know that we all make mistakes, and that is what’s tearing me up on what to do next. God says to forgive, but then again, I’ve heard the saying once a cheater, always a cheater. I guess I’ll say my prayers tonight!
I appreciate having a place to talk. I wish I’d found this blog before tonight, as I’ve already told people at work and my family. He wants to hear my decision tomorrow!HA HA! Guess he needs his security blanket. He’s telling me that he may be deployed next month, and a lot of me really doesn’t care. I’ve reached that point, I went immediately to the anger stage, have been there since I found out, and now that he’s admitted to a one time thing, from the “goldigger” as he called her (among other things), I feel like I have reached the moving on stage, and want to ruin him with divorce and alimony payments and rejection. I guess I really need to sleep on this one.
Will check back and god bless all of you who are experiencing this. I don’t want to be a man hater BUT………

Jewels from USA January 12, 2011 at 9:55 PM

Hello Heather,

Welcome to the site. She came to you right before the holiday’s – not cool. Anyways, I am glad your husband finally admitted it, they almost always deny it at first (which is so frustrating!!). I honestly will tell you it’s WAY too soon to be making a decision to stay or go. Your husband is giving you until today, but honestly, your the one that was impacted, he should be giving you some space to really think this over. The rushing you to decide concerns me a little bit because what is the rush, what’s pending?? The deployment should not have an impact or should not be a reason to rush, rushing into anything leads to regret sometimes. I understand he is trying to push this through, most men do because they have been caught in something dirty and all they want at this point is to ‘move on’ so they won’t have to think about it too much. Unfortunately, this is not the way it works, it’s way more complicated than a simple ‘decision’. If he is proactive and sets up the marriage counseling, then I would at least try, then you can stay or leave knowing that you gave it a fair chance. Best of luck, you seem like a very strong, confident women, so I know whatever you decide to do will be the best decision for you.

Heather January 13, 2011 at 8:23 AM

Hi Jewels,

Thank you for the advice. We talked yesterday and I told him that I want him to set up counseling for us, for me to control our money, and for him to understand that I am now going to be like a private investigator regarding our relationship (as much as I hate to be that way). He said that he understands that HE made a huge mistake and realizes what he can lose, and that we’ve both already lost something because of his poor choices.
God helped me a lot in making my decision, as I know that the Lord wants us all to be forgiving, and since this is one mistake, (as far as I know) I can at least try. A second time…well, that would be the last straw! We are worth more than to subject ourselves to someone who is NOT going to change. I know that you agree with that because of your situation. You sound like a strong woman yourself. I commend you in doing something positive with your situation; creating this blog and helping so many others.
I believe that things happen for a reason, and whether positive or negative, gives us the opportunity to learn as we journey through life. I’m going to tell some other women about this site. I will keep in touch. Thanks again, and God bless!

Jewels from USA January 13, 2011 at 6:59 PM

Thanks Heather for the kind words! The fact that your husband understands why you feel that way and it willing to support you is a positive sign! I really think that our men know that they will be a hot mess if we leave and sometimes you get a man that is smart enough to realize it and back it up with action. I hope things work out, keep me posted and thanks for sharing the site with others!!

Michelle February 1, 2011 at 3:40 PM

Jewels,
I was so happy to find your site and read your ebook. Thank You!!!
I found out on Dec 19th that my husband cheated on me 2 years ago. At that time we were in therapy, as he was “unsure of what he wanted”. He denied that there was anyone else. I too was pregnant at the time. We ended up doing well in therapy, but began to slip into some of the same patterns…. but overall, he had decided to change some annoying behaviors, as did I. :-)
I thought all was getting better until Dec 19th… I received the results of my pap smear and I had tested positive for hpv. Having had approx 9 years worth of negative ones with this same dr, they were a little alarmed that I suddenly tested positive. I confronted my husband, saying that my suspicions were correct 2 years ago. I basically said, “you need to come clean, I’ve caught something and this could be a matter of life or death for me – face it, you’re caught”. He admitted that there was a woman 2 yrs ago – it began with just lunch dates, but then she asked him to pick her up one day and they slept together.
Obviously, I was sick. I lost it… it was late at night by this point, so he stayed in the house, but I made him stay with a friend the next day.
We have 2 small children. He loves his children very much and he’s a good dad. I was distraught, so I called the therapist we saw 2 years ago. She agreed to see me that day. I asked him if he wanted to go… I’m not sure why… I didn’t want to work it out, but almost wanted him to feel embarrassed and have to admit it to someone else… he needed a punishment of some sort.
Well…boy did therapy take a turn that I didn’t expect. She told him he needed to be completely transparent if he wanted to try and work through this with me. He then started to tell how he’s had work flirting relationships since before we were married, but nothing had ever gone this far.
We’ve always had some issues… especially in the bedroom…. I just always had a stronger drive than him, even when we were dating. I guess I tried to see his good points and how he was different from other guys I dated, when that was all that they wanted. It later began to be problem in the marriage for years.
Our 4 hour therapy session continued and I also learned that he was once molested by a stranger when he was 12 – walking home from a friend’s house. He had never told a soul. Things started to make sense… basically, we learned that he has never really ever connected to me sexually (nor anyone else really, for that matter) b/c he’s always associated dirtiness with it. He didn’t want to perceive me in that manner, and he was unable to connect. We felt connected that day in the office… I’m a therapist too and I’ve never seen anyone be so raw and transparent.
We got through the holidays…basically b/c I felt sorry for him…but…
I’m now back to being angry. I’m not even sure that I want this to work. He is being totally open… I have a password to everything, he tells me more than I ever want to know, he is committed to me and working this out… but things are so different now. Not that they were perfect by any means, but I trust nothing that comes out of his mouth… even though I know he’s being honest now.
I’m just not sure I can get over the hell he put me through 2 years ago… he had me thinking it was me, etc. The whole time he never admitted to having an affair…not to me, the therapist, or even a priest!
I want to be married for the sake of my children, but I am one angry woman right now and I’m not sure this is the best thing for them. Some days I want him to leave, or think I should leave. My emotions are all over the place. I can be watching something on TV that triggers something and then I totally blow up. Is it even worth it? It’s so hard to trust….

Jewels from USA February 2, 2011 at 10:17 PM

Hello Michelle,

Thanks for your kinds words and for sharing your story. It’s interesting how your instinct was always telling you that something was going on 2 years ago but you just couldn’t prove it. And it seems like he finally came clean, literally on everything, with a sprinkle of tmi (too much information) as well. The fact that he shared some past sexual trauma seemed to give you some answers to his behavior from a sex standpoint, which should be comforting.

As far as the cheating, I understand how you can be angry, and there are plenty of things to be angry about. One of the extreme anger points for me was anger that he even put me in this situation. He cheated, and now I am the one that is stressed out by the decision of if I want to stay. I have small kids as well. So now it’s stay with my cheating husband, or be a single mom with 2 small kids – I was beyond mad for him putting me is such a difficult predicament. I am in a better place now but boy do I remember those emotions of anger.

I wanted to stay as well because it’s just not fair to the kids for them to have to deal with a divorce. At the same time, I couldn’t be happy with him anymore. And I didn’t want to be the bitter angry mom. So I left. I will be the first to tell you it’s not easy. There are good days and bad. But the thing that keeps me going is that I know that they are going to be raised by a mother who is happy and confident – and I hope that it rubs off on them.

Your situation could be different, you might be able to work things out with your husband. The key is you have to decide how YOU can be happy and confident again in the marriage. I know it sounds tough, but it has been done before. Take Care and keep in touch.

-Jewels

Sheree February 11, 2011 at 8:34 AM

I am stressed and glad to know that there are other people on this blog who have experienced the same thing. I had to have a hysterectomy 14 months ago due to some serious health issues. In 2007, my husband was taking classes with this woman. They started studying together and it ended with them sleeping together. Prior to my surgery, we were unable to be intimate bc of the pains I was having. One night he bitched and moaned about sex, that I gave in and had sex with him. I ended up crying bc of the pain. However, he was not satisfied. I found naked pics that were being emailed between the two of them. We have 2 small children and I am so hurt that he would do this to us. I am angered bc I have sacrificed so much to make this marriage work. Then he had the nerve to get upset with me for being hurt over his “affair.” He wanted me to get over it and deal with it. Well, needlessly to say, I put him out and am planning on getting a divorce. Not just because of the affair, but because he got so angry at me for being hurt that he punched a hole in the wall in front of my 4 year old child. He threw a screwdriver into the door as well. At the end of the day, HE did wrong but I refuse to allow HIM to mess up my kids because he is upset that I have feelings and emotions. Since he has been gone, I feel a lot happier about myself. I don’t have his negative energy lurking around or him moping wanting me to feel sorry for him. My kids deserved to have their dad at home playing with them not screwing another woman. It is hard to stay strong but we all have to for our kids. I have now discovered that my husband was also talking about me like a dog to friends, family members and even church members before I discovered his affair. He had people thinking that I was a terrible awful bitch. He wants me to forgive him and us to move on but how can I when he cheated for 3 years and has lied on and to me over and over? I realize that NO ONE deserves to be treated like this. He even talked about me to his mistress via text message. But he will have to deal with his wrongdoings. It is time for me and my kids to keep moving with our lives. He didn’t stop my show, he only gave me fuel to keeping pushing.

Jewels from USA February 12, 2011 at 9:53 PM

Thanks Sheree for sharing your story. I still can’t understand how our husbands have the nerve to get mad at us after the affair or tell us to get over it – it’s like how dare they do that. It seems like you already had some health issues going on, and when you were in time of need he went elsewhere. Sorry to hear he did that in front of your 4 year old, I have a 4 year old myself and your right, the kids really don’t deserve any of this, but I am glad he is no longer in your presence. Of course he wants you to forgive and move on, and you certainly can forgive me, but move on without him. I moved out as well, and once you don’t have that tension and negative energy around you, your not going to want it back. Yes it’s tough, but you will be fine without him and most importantly your kids will see a strong and happy mom because your not around someone who is putting you down outside of the home. Best of luck, I know you will make it through.

Amal Berry Brown March 9, 2011 at 10:50 AM

I cheated with a man I work with and his wife found out and he dumped me. Now I wonder if I should tell my husband what I did? I have two kids, and don’t want him to leave me. This also goes against my culture and if my family found out I may be disowned. Is telling the truth the best plan. Do affaris always get found out?

Confused

Jewels from USA March 9, 2011 at 8:52 PM

Hello Amal,

You put yourself in a tough spot. At any given moment, the wife can tell your husband. At any given moment, your husband can find out. By not saying anything, you give your ‘secret’ leverage over you and your own marriage. It will eventually eat at you. At the same time, as you can see from this site, once he finds out, it will rock his world and your marriage will never be the same, he might leave. I can’t advise you, because only you know the details of your family, culture, ect., it’s really a lot more complicated than telling the truth or not, there are a million ways to do both. I am glad that you stopped cheating, it’s a lose-lose situation and everyone gets hurt. Do affairs always get found out? I personally think so. It might be months, years, but I think eventually the husband/wife finds out.

MelNY May 13, 2011 at 12:34 PM

Hi Jewels,

I commend your story and most of all your courage.

I too was cheated on during my pregnancy, and through an engagement, and the beginning of my marraige. I had a baby in March of 2010. I got married in July of 2010. August of 2010 I receive a call from my sister saying she saw a mass message to all of my friends stating if you know MelNY I have been f$#king her husband unprotected for the past 6 months. I confronted him yelling and hitting. He lied at first and then admitted to it. I was and am still hurt. There were no signs we weren’t arguing or fighting before then. We had sex and we had a happy home. We moved to get a fresh start he vowed to go to church or therapy to get help. That never happened. I then found More emails from the same woman in September of 2010 an November 2010. I called her and she admittted to sleeping with him again and he told her numerous lies about me and that I had move and we weren’t together. Then I found in december he was on a dating site emails to another woman. Now two days ago I found him on facebook which he said he closed, postings of love poems to a woman. I confronted him and he says the poem was about me and I misinterpreted things. I am still with him through all this. I changed my whole life for him. Uprooted my oldest son to move in with him when we first started our relationship in 08. Eveytime he is caught he has tons of excuses, says he will change. Even blames me that I’ve changed during our relationship. I’m so confused. I don’t trust him but I’m still here because I love him and we are raising two kids. We are going to start therapy but because of the excessive pattern I’m not sure if it wi,l help him. I wonder ehats wrong with me that he keeps doing this. My self esteem is so low. He blames some of this on abuse during his childhood. I don’t condone the behavior but I love him and want him to realize what he has and change. Hee keeps saying he wants to be with me

Jewels from USA May 13, 2011 at 10:32 PM

Hello MeINy,

Sorry your going through this. What I am going to tell you might be tough, but I think it will be beneficial to you. Try to read what you wrote again, but act as though your a stranger reading it. What you will realize is that you have given your husband many chances to change his ways, and he still is sneaking and lying. I know how you feel, you want SO BAD for him to love you right and make this work, you put your whole life on the line. One of my lowest moments during my recovery was when I actually came to the harsh, painful realization that he is not going to stop lying for me, he is not going to stop cheating for me. At the time it hurt so bad. But I told myself – one I came to the realization, that is it, from now on, what I do is for me and the kids. Ironically, when I started being selfish and thinking of my husband as ‘a man’ versus my ‘my husband’, my attitude started to change for the better. Everyday I found ways that I potentially live without him. It took me a year in this attitude before I had the money and confidence to move out, but I don’t regret moving out at all, I feel like I gained so much strength. When it first happened, I thought there is no way I can do this on my own, I need him. But you know what, as women, we have the incredible ability to adjust to situations. I encourage therapy, continue to go with your husband. BUT if I were in your shoes, hubby needs to watch the kids while you go out and take a hard look at situation. I always tell people cheat on your once, maybe you have a chance of survival (depending on the situation), cheat twice, if you stay, your miserable as the women, and if you don’t leave, the man feels like he can get away with it again and again. I really see myself in your words, especially around the self-esteem issue. I was so focus on what he needed to do, my self esteem plummeted. Once I put myself and my needs first, understanding I can’t make him do right, that’s on him – everything changed. You did nothing wrong. Beautiful women get cheating on, smart women get cheated on, women that have sex on demand with their husbands get cheated on. Him cheating is not a negative reflection on you, it’s a negative reflection on him. Take care, I wish you and your kids the best.

**The abuse line, good but doesn’t do anything for me. I bet you 70% of the devastated women on this blog have been abused in some way as children. Doesn’t mean you lie and cheat (just my personal opinion).

**Also you can’t make him realize what he has, and it’s not your job to do so. TRUST me, he will realize it on his own, by that time, you might of moved on to a better life, but at some point he will realize what a great thing he is messing up.

Toni June 9, 2011 at 9:55 PM

I caught my now ex husband cheating on me 3 years ago. After he was caught, like tiger woods, they all came out. 15 years with this man and he chaeted on me from day one. Holding long term relationships simultaniously while married to me. He was emotionally abbusive, left me to be a single mother in a marriage i felt trapped in. When he got caught he went into to sex rehab, and actually had the nerve to tell me that if I didnt help him, if I wasnt there for him, he would relapse. Putting his recovery into my hands. Thas when I knew I was insane to stay with him. We had three girls, just purchaed a 500k house, new cars, the works. I lost everything. My family torn apart, bankruptcy, all of my life had been shattered. one week after getting out of sex rehab, he left because I was “too angry” then went to live off of his girlfriend who knew he was married when she started the affair with him. She also apparently knows about his 2 failed marriages and a lifetime of cheating addiction, and sadly this woman thinks he has changed. He has not. She is as blind and in denial as I was . After I got myself into recovery, I found that he has Narccissistic personality disorder. All that time I wasted blaming myself for the failure, trying desperately to give more and change things in my marriage, all so he could blame me and justify his actions. Now I can say with conviction It was the best thing to happen to me in 15 years. I am happy self sufficiant and finally free from him. He is still a self serving bastard, but the difference is, it no longer controls me or how I feel about myself. I landed on my feet, and karma is treating him to a good dose of payback. Happiness is the best revenge. Always.

Jewels from USA June 9, 2011 at 11:29 PM

Toni,

I LOVE your story, many women will read this and be very inspired, thank you. I did a quick internet search on Narccissistic personality disorder, and I think many man who cheat have this. Too bad most would never admit it!! My cheating husband blames me ALL the time for everything, it’s like he can’t see his own fault. It use to get me really down, since I moved out and proceeding with the divorce, him blaming me doesn’t get to me anymore. Now I have a disorder to back up his behavior.

The two parts of your story that are most inspiring is that you had 3 kids, and that you went through severe financial difficulties because of the divorce. Despite the kids and the financial impact, you left and are now in a position to say it was the best thing that happened to you. I can’t tell you how many women stay with their husband’s feeling miserable because of fears with raising kids alone and/or financial fears. It is one of the most difficult (if not the most difficult) decision to make after your husband cheats. I had both issues and fears myself, it took a while, but I finally left despite the financial impact and ‘single mom’ fears, and don’t regret doing so at all. Thanks again for sharing, I wish you the best!

Georgie June 10, 2011 at 12:28 PM

I supected that my husband was cheating on me, by the way he would erase his text messages and phone calls. He would talk in a low voice sometimes when he was on the phone and then when I would walk into the room he would make up something and hang up. One night when he was away from home,I was checking his email and there it was right in front of my face an email from her, his ex girlfriend.

Now this woman has ripped him off, stole almost everything he owned and he even lost his truck because of her. He calls her all kinds of bad names in front of me and tells me that he doesn’t want anything to do with her and that she is crazy and his calling her was just business. I pretened to be him and emailed her back. Telling her that I was married and to leave me alone. I also told her that if she didn’t believe me to ask the landlord. Well the she called him and he answered like he was talking to a friend…No I can’t, I’m home and will call you when I can. He made an excuse to leave and run some errands. When he came back home, he was pissed. He was cursing under his breath and slaming things around.
After awhile he calmed down and asked me if I Loved him? I told him yes, but I didn’t hug him. She has since written him that she doesn’t want him back and doesn’t want anything to do with him. She only wants the money back that he owes her.

After several days, his demeanor changed and he started treating me so good. He started cooking for me again, hugging me again, and telling me that I looked good or liked the way that I dressed. He even started asking me about our future together and the plans that he was making so we could go places together.

So my question is does he feel remorce? Is his afraid that he will lose me? Does he feel that he has been Busted big time?
Yes, like so many of you, I’m on the should I leave him? Should I stay?

We have only been married since December of last year and this has been going on since before we got married.
At a loss as to what to do…I’m confused.I do love him, but I keep thinking how in the world can I ever trust this man again and is everything that comes out of his mouth a lie.

Jewels from USA June 10, 2011 at 9:36 PM

Hello Georgie,

Welcome to the site. This is just my opinion, but I wouldn’t get too excited by him being so nice. If your trying to evaluate if you have a chance of making this work, here are the 4 things I would evaluate on concerning ‘if the marriage has a chance of recovering’.

1. Bring up the affair – I know it’s tough, but I would do it. How do he react, do he admit it? Does he blame you? Does he tell you to ‘get over it’ or get defensive? If he is open and willing to talk about it – good sign, if not, not a good sign.
2. Recovery from a marital affair requires a good amount of time and attention, why? Because it takes a long time to rebuild trust. He has to not only know that, he has to be willing to act accordingly. Is he still protective of his phone, is he willing to give you access to his email account in an effort to rebuild trust? If he is willing to do that..great sign! If not…uummmmmm…..
3. He cheated, and he needs to prove to you that he is committed, because in your mind, you feel he is not committed. Have him lead the effort of recovery. He should get the therapy appointment, buy the books that lead you down a path of new discovery and deep discussion that will slowly start to build the trust back.
4. If you catch him in any lies going forward, it will be extremely difficult to trust him again, so he can not lie anymore about anything – at all.

If he is not willing to do the things above, I would proceed with caution on all of his nice actions until you get a better understanding of him commitment level. I hope this helps and I wish you the best!

***Your husband has to understand that your not going to ‘just take him back’ because his ex doesn’t want him anymore (what is she changes her mind 3 weeks from now?), he has to work at the marriage for you to stay in it!!

Toni June 11, 2011 at 7:33 AM

Gosh, I read these stories and my heart breaks. It is all too familiar the pain and the should I stay or go thoughts. The bottom line is ladies, what I have learned, is that people treat us as good or as bad as we allow them to. Somehow we have forgotten our own self worth in all of this! What on earth makes us think we don’t deserve better than a lying cheating husband?? We do! The trick they play is they know we are insecure and scared and they use that to keep us there like some back up plan! But the secret is girls, we are stronger! If we were not they wouldn’t lie to keep us so they don’t have to be alone. You all deserve and can gave so much more than what you are accepting! It makes me sick when I think about the brief moment of insanity I had actually thinking I wanted my ex to “pick me” over his mistress! It was a joke to turn his adultery into a contest. As if choosing me made me more special or loved. It is all the wrong way of thinking. You can search the entire universe for someone more worthy of your love, and you will never find that person, because YOU are the most deserving! That nagging that we feel when we say “I don’t know what to do?”. Is really the denial kicking in to shelter us from the vast painful emotion. We know what to do, our spirit tell us we deserve better, yet we ignore it. I did it too. But once I realized being without him could never be ad bad as being with him, I freed myself. There is greater love that awaits, and if you travel through the storm , a wondrous place of peace and life awaits you. A good friend once told me, sometimes you have to jump, and then the net appears. Good luck to you all.

Jewels from USA June 11, 2011 at 9:07 PM

Thanks Toni,

It’s nice to know that you can relate to many of the negative emotions that you once felt during your personal recovery from the affair, because you seem very empowered now.

I remember feeling very insecure, especially after the affair, my self-esteem went out the window. I literally had to build it from the ground up, and it took some time, and it took some work, but it was so worth it. I also think deep down, we all know we deserve better, but our logical self kicks in and gets most women in the stage of ‘should I stay or should I leave?’ (been there done that as well). When I say logical self, it’s the one that says…oh my gosh, if I leave, can I afford a place on my own, can I raise the kids by myself, how will I deal with the embarrassment of telling everyone the person I sacrificed everything for committed the ultimate form of betrayal? I dealt with all three of those emotions, and yes I admit, I was very insecure – at first. Until I realized I can potentially spend the rest of my life trying to convince him to do things that built trust, because he wasn’t willing to do it. I also realize that I can not feel empowered and confident with my husband, so I left. And boy do I feel extremely confident now. I still have things I have to work on, but I love the way I feel now about myself.

My favorite part of your story was the last two sentences which I think every women going through this experience should read: - “There is greater love that awaits, and if you travel through the storm , a wondrous place of peace and life awaits you. A good friend once told me, sometimes you have to jump, and then the net appears.”

Thanks for sharing!

Nadine June 14, 2011 at 10:06 AM

Dear Jewels,

I can definitely emphathize with you…. At 44 years old, I was 6 months pregnant with my miracle baby (was advised that I could not have children) when I found out that my husband was not only having an affair, but had put himself on several dating websites posing as a single man looking for love. I am exactly the type of woman you described in one of your posts. I am stuck!!! Financially, I am unable to leave him because our condo is not worth anything, and neither of us can live there without the income of the other. In addition, he was diagnosed as bi-polar and OCD…. Our duaghter also might be bi-polar, she is now 5 years old. I am terrified of what would happen to my daughter by moving AND seperating from her father all at once. lastly and probably the most ridiculous reason to stay…I am afraid that if we split up, he would meet someone else, have another child which entice my daughter to want to live with him. It had been 5 years since he was caught, yet I have found other e-mails which show that he is still at least chatting online. Believe it or not, I feel sorry for the man. I refuse any physical intimacy, even though he is quite persistant. We fight constantly, which is awful for my daughter… I regret not leaving him when I found out……..
Thank you for listening……

Jewels from USA June 14, 2011 at 10:29 PM

Hello Nadine, welcome to the site.

Yes, I felt financially stuck, I did not see anyway I was going to live without his income, and vice versa. But I had to get out of that mentality, because what happened is, the more I kept thinking that way, the more life brought to me situations which validated my thought. So once I started changing my attitude saying, I will leave, and I will be just fine financially, things slowly but surely started to change, most importantly, I saw a way out. Now I took a huge nose dive financially, I can not get credit on any type, BUT I am able to pay for a roof over my head, food, ect. I am ok. Yes he is going through it financially, but he is a grown man, I can’t stress for him, I have my own, and that was a huge lesson for me to learn. And most importantly, once I left, I felt SO much better. It took a year for me to prepare mentally, physically and emotionally before leaving, but I did it. And I don’t feel bad at all that it took that long between the time I decided and the time I walked out the door. Everyone’s personal affair recovery is different, the key question to ask yourself is are you advancing in your journey?

As far as your fears, they are very common, and I am so glad you had the courage to state them. As far as your husband’s condition and your daughters, you can not be in any position to help them if your gas tank is not full. I guess what I am trying to say is that if your emotionally depleted from the arguments, the emails, the lies, ect., you staying to help him because of the conditions is really not helping him in the way in which you think, and is actually only hurting you at the end of the day. The best mom is a happy one – period. You can move out tomorrow and I am willing to bet that your daughter will be impacted, but if she sees that mommy is much happier, that mommy is confident, and that mommy is just fine, she will grow into being a beautiful young confident women, because that is what she will see in her mommy, and you know that our kids are little reflections of us. And even though she is not in the same house, she will still see her father. If your really concerned, get some books on how to handle divorce before you move out, they helped me know how to handle my kids reactions. That was actually one of the main reason’s I left, I wanted my kids to see me and know that I can be happy and the constant arguments was showing a side of me that I didn’t want them to see.

Lastly, don’t regret not leaving when you found out, everyone’s personal recovery from the affair is different, and maybe you weren’t ready at that time. Out of all the women that find out, I would say over 90% don’t leave right away like the movie stars. So your ok. I would say the immediate next step for you is to start mentally telling yourself that you can and will leave, and that there are many people willing to help you (family/friends). Keep saying that and eventually the help will come and the opportunity to leave will come. Also, start to slowly and surely de-value what your husband is saying, if you plan to leave. Meaning I use to let my husband get me so worked up, it was really bad. But once I decided to leave, he could say anything and it didn’t impact me as much, because deep down I was like ‘I don’t care, I will be leaving him eventually (of course I didn’t say that to him)’, so his words had less power. Best of luck to you Nadine in your personal journey.

Kathy July 18, 2011 at 5:03 PM

So glad I found this website, like others this sad, sick thing happened to me too. My husband of almost 26 yrs cheated on me and I found out from her through a photo of them together and her words to me in text to set him free to follow his real love and not make him stay because of the kids, she said I would use them to hold him to me. I found out through investigating that the affair lasted 3 yrs when he only said one yr to me when I confronted him. I put everything into this relationship and then this happens it is devastating. He wants to work it out and she is now out of the picture and moved and it has been 3 months since I found out and it has been a constant rollercoaster up and down. One minute trying to work out and the next I want him gone. So hard to picture this man I gave all my love and devotion to doing this to me. So many years and memories have been made with him. I have four kids, two are grown and gone the last two are still here and seniors in h.s. I have asked him questions like does he love me, when did he stop loving me. He says he loves me and always has. So hard to believe someone can love you while they are off with someone else. And not even a brief mistake, but for 3 yrs. He told this woman he loved her, gave her cards that say the exact same things mine has said in them written by him. Hurts. I know I still love him but I also feel like he doesn’t deserve my love. This rollercoaster I am on is because one minute I want to believe in him, this man I have known most of my life and the next I cannot believe what he has done to our marriage. He said he never intended to leave me or be with her permanently. But then, what did he think he was doing. He was risking everything for her. To me, she had to of mean’t something special and I cannot take the downplaying of the affair. He has been good to me since and trying to make me belive and trust him again, but it is very hard to do.

Jewels from USA July 19, 2011 at 12:31 AM

Hello Kathy, welcome to the site. I can feel a deep level of hurt and pain that you are in through your words. I remember feeling the same way, saying ‘Did you ever really love me?’. In our minds, I don’t think we can comprehend doing this to someone we love. Our hearts are too big to do something so hurtful. I do believe that our husbands loved us at one point, but I think they let their selfish needs take over the needs of you and the family, and that is what hurts the most. 3 years is a long time to have an affair and it seems like this women has very strong emotions for him. I think my husband having the affair and then turning around and saying that he loves me and wants to be with me messed me up mentally because it just didn’t add up. How could you do this and want to be with me?

Anyways, if your husband is really serious, he is going to give you signs to show you. The fact that he is not engaging with the other women is good. He has to understand that going forward, any little white lie, any indication that he is still communicating with her would be devastating to you. You have to build trust from ground zero, and that is something that your marriage has not encountered before, so it is very difficult. Your husband might have to open up in ways that he never had to before. But if he is really committed, he will put in the work. He had to understand that rebuilding trust after an affair can easily take over a year, and most importantly, he has to be patience with you, because like I said, you are in a great deal of hurt right now. I wish you the best in your journey, take care.

Heather Thomas July 21, 2011 at 9:04 PM

I got back with my husband after kicking him out two days before Christmas, Kathy. We went to counseling and she still has tried to lie and say she’s been with him but I know it’s a lie because he was here. She keyed my car when he came back and since he’s been back, I get angry sometimes. I can’t help it, but everything will be fine, then all of a sudden visions and thoughts like how I hate liars and cheaters come into my head, and I start to verbalize my anger. The worse part is that she is younger than my daughters! Makes me sick to think about it, but if he’s willing to be transparent, then I am trying to forgive, but it’s virtually impossible to forget! I have even said to him…how would he like a taste of his own medicine? Deep down I know that I couldn’t do it. He has to live with his shame and I am a person who believes in karma, so……I will do the right thing. Good luck to you and whatever you decide. Counseling did help for us.

Jewels from USA July 24, 2011 at 10:56 PM

Thanks Heather for the update. Seems like your husband decided to cheat with ‘crazy lady’, I can tell from the whole ‘keyed my car’ statement. I am so glad to hear that you are working things out and that counseling helped you and your husband. I know you still get those angry thoughts, but I am hoping through counseling you learn how to cope with those feelings, thanks for the update!

Sarah July 31, 2011 at 7:43 AM

My husband has been cheating with a married lady co-worker for a couple of years. I filed for divorce from my husband over it (and a whole lot of other issues relating to his untruths). I now notice a long-standing pattern in my marriage…that if I just STAYED QUIET about things my husband did that bothered me, all would coast along just fine. But the minute I spoke up, questioned his actions or simply REACTED to his negative behaviors I was labeled ‘delusional’ and ‘crazy.’ He attacked my credibility and told me just enough of the facts to mislead or confuse me and make me feel foolish. Even though I have proof, he and his lady friend deny everything and are telling people that I’m nuts. Doesn’t matter what they say. People who cheat don’t operate in truth.
They have to make the person being cheated on into someone awful so they can justify actions that they KNOW are deeply damaging. I realize that my feelings are valid. All of us who have been cheated on deserve to be in a partnership where our feelings are validated and respected by our spouse.

Jewels from USA August 1, 2011 at 12:04 AM

Hello Sarah, It’s insane what lengths some people go through in order to keep themselves in denial. I am still confused as to why cheaters play these games. I spent a long time questioning myself because of the lies. With me it wasn’t so much lies from the affair, it was the little white lies that drove me crazy, for instance, I told him to pick me up at 4, and he shows up at 5 saying I said 5. Or I ask if he could fix something, and he never does it saying a never asked, when I know I did!! After a while, hearing those messages everyday can take a toll on your self esteem. I not longer impacted by his foolish lies. I am glad that you know your feelings are valid, and glad that you are commanding respect, not entertaining his games. Now that you filed for divorce, no need to prove anything to him, your lawyer can do that for you. I hope everything goes well with the divorce.

Belinda August 6, 2011 at 4:56 PM

Hi Jewels

Have come across this website after searching for answers….my 43 year old husband of 15 years (together 17 years) left me three weeks ago for a 21 year old girl at his work…they have been seeing each other for 6 months. I found sexual txt’s back in February but after talking it through decided to give him a chance (after all they were only txts and nothing sexual acutally happened – what ever!). He’s left me and our 6 year old daughter to move in with her (she was living with her Mum at home). All of this is my fault – not enough sex, I built my career and ignored his, I am a bad mother, she understands him more than I ever could…
I am devastated beyond belief, humilated and find myself looking at her and seeing that I am everything she isn’t…37 years old, tired, old, ugly and useless. How could I ever compete with what she has to offer him??? Now I’m faced with the prospect that this new woman (who went after a married man) will be one of my daughters role models in her life and I’m powerless to stop this. He even had the nerve to tell me that he hopes I can just accept this so we can all be good friends He’s now putting pressure on me to sell the home so he can move on with his life (he is struggling to make ends meet on his salary alone). I have no idea how I will and if I will get through this…I look at him now and I have no idea who he is. He’s going out clubbng and having ‘the best time of his life’ and I am left to pick up the pieces.

Jewels from USA August 9, 2011 at 6:41 AM

Hello Belinda, welcome to the site. Let me first address the 21 year old. My husband left me for a 21 year old as well. At 21 years old, there is only so much she can do for him. Why?? Because she is not a woman, she is still a girl. And right now, your husband is trying to live out this ‘I am still cool and young chicks still want me’ thing that many men go through. The use (notice I said use) the young girls as pawns to satisfy their own self doubt. He is living with her, great. Trust me, in time, he is going to realize how immature she is, wake up one day, and say ‘what have I done?’, I had it all and left it for a fantasy that was really nothing in the end. What is an immature 21 year old going to do with someone like your husband. I will tell you – he is going to get used for money in exchange for being around her. Then she is going to meet someone younger and leave. I know I took a long time explaining this but I just want you to know that your husband can’t see what I just wrote, but you are in a position to see what is going on, and be empowered. Don’t walk around with your head down, pick it up, knowing that you know exactly how this is going to play out. Don’t look and say, why did he leave me? Look at him and think, my husband has no clue. And when this little fantasy round is over (it can take some time, but eventually it does fizzle), and if he tries to come back or you find out that it didn’t work out (sometimes they do), just simply tell him ‘no thanks’.

Now as far as your feelings, I feel that you are very down because of his actions. Yes we do have to pick up the pieces and help out kids through this. Yes your child might have to interact with this women. But think about it, what is a 21 year old going ‘provide’ your daughter? Maybe they can play go-fish (lol). But seriously, kids are very smart. Don’t think for a second that ‘she’ is going to be better and have more fun with your daughter than you. She is going to see through it as well without you even explaining it, trust me, unless she finds a new playmate, and if so, that’s all it is. If you can afford it, I do recommend you and your daughter go through counseling to understand your emotions and maybe get some assistance on how to get through this.

And as far as him asking you to sell the house, ect. Before you take ANY action around that, I would recommend talking to someone about divorce. There is someone I know that helped me, she actually does 1 hour divorce consultations to give you an idea of your rights as a women concerning divorce, I think you will be surprised, and inspired. Her website is http://www.youriseabove.com/

Lastly, yes he is living the life, and you can live life as well. 40′s are the new 30′s, 50′s are the new 40′s!!! You are not old, you are just beginning to really start living!!! You have another world waiting out there that is amazing. It’s time for you to start to focus less on him, and more on yourself. What’s next for you? What have you always wanted to do but put on hold? Do that, you will find motivation in just taking the action, and slowly but surely, you will overcome and be happier than you have ever been, but it starts with believing that within yourself first. Take Care, best of luck, I know you will get through this.

Kathy August 11, 2011 at 4:44 AM

Today is my 26th anniversary. And there isn’t much to celebrate for me. It has been since mid April I found out of my husband’s affair and still it hits me always what he has done. I am still here and we try to work thru things together. I have so many questions that still pop up and I ask and he can’t seem to find the words to answer. His being unable to answer my questions makes things harder for me. I think he gets angry I still have questions and doubts when he has been “good” and trying to show his love for me. But that isn’t good enough for me. I still cannot believe he did this and want info. I am guessing my info is because I want to know what he was thinking regarding his marriage while he carrying on with her for 3 yrs. He says he always loved me and still does. That is where the questions begin. How can he say he loved me during this time while he was with another woman…. 3 yrs is a very long time. And like I say to him, if he loved me and can do such a thing what is to make me believe his saying he loves me now to make me feel he won’t enter into this kind of thing again. I don’t think he gets it? I told him he shows no signs of being loyal to the one he loves or has barriers and draws the line. I told him he couldn’t possibly of been caring and thinking of me, the one he loves, while he was off w/ her.
He just sits there baffled, nothing to say. He wants this to just go away. I told him for 3 yrs he did this and then my finding out and that in 3-4 months it isn’t going to go away. To me, it is a life altering event. I will never forget or forgive. Where does that leave me.

Sandy-Sue August 11, 2011 at 4:50 PM

Kathy, I know how you are feeling; and you do have my sympathy. My D-day finding out about husband’s affair was 12/28/10.
Our 25th anniversary was 6/24/11. The 6 months in between were one helluva roller coaster ride; with him showing little remorse or rebuilding efforts (we were, and still are, going to counseling at least). However, when it came time to plan a get-away for our 25th (Silver Anniversary)….he was just ‘ho-hum’. I was willing to even take the RV & Harley to the river for a long-weekend fishing trip; there’s a little town nearby with great restaurants for going to celebrate — that’s right, how many men WISH they had a wife willing to go river-camping for the 25th anniversary. But NO…that was going to be too much work. SO I put the ball in his court, and told him he better not disappoint me. Reiterated that he was out-of-town on business on our anniversary last year (no, the affair hadn’t started yet); and when he got back my brother was in a coma in the hospital (lasting nearly 2 months)…so we never really did anything last year. Also reiterated that regardless of where we end up — and that not only do we have 25-years together, 2 beautiful daughters and 2 grandbabies to celebrate….but that he OWES me!
So he plans a long weekend at a beach town fairly close; but nothing exciting. Of all the beach towns within the U.S., this one is just not all that! But we did stay at the nicest hotel, which cost-wise has been thrown back at me. Woo hoo — all of maybe $800-900 for the weekend. For 25 years of marriage!!
All the “spy-work” I did back at the beginning of this year….shows that SHE averaged close to $1,000 a month (dates, trips, groceries, missing ATM $$ to help with her Christmas shopping) during their 4-1/2 month affair. So I figured — I should’ve gotten a $300,000 vacation out of the deal, for 25 years at $1,000/month!!! After all, she hasn’t dealt with all his BULLS#*T for these past 25 years!

Kathy August 12, 2011 at 8:57 PM

Sandy-Sue, Oh how I wish things could go back to how there were. But this affair makes it so it is the past and the present is unknown how it will end up. We were both married very long times. You would think after all those years and memories together there would be an unbroken bond. But no, that bond can so easily be thrown out with the trash. That is what I feel he did to your marriage..put it out with the trash and/or stomped on it. Sounds like your husband did quite a bit for his lady friend in a short period of time. I asked my husband about how much was spent on his lady friend and he says about $1500 total for 3 yrs. That I don’t believe for one minute. He makes the things he bought her so small and trivial and I don’t believe. He knows the more he says the more it upsets and hurts me so I think my husband plays things down to avoid things getting worse. I don’t care if it is worse or not I just want truths whether they hurt me or not. The affair in it self hurt me the most nothing else can be worse than that. For out 25th anniversary last year I don’t recall anything “different” than lets say our 5th. It was the roses in the amount of years together and a lovely card that always says the same thing written by him on the bottom.. he rotates between “love you to death” or “love you with all my heart” and when I found out of the affair it was from the “other woman” not him and she mentioned he loved me and not her by reiterating to me the two quotes he wrote in cards to her over the years and wouldn’t you know.. it was those same two he wrote to me in my cards for the past 25 yrs. Since then I have told him I want no cards ever from him or gifts from that day forward just as he will get nothing from me again. I don’t have the heart to even look for anything for him. I used to take such time and effort in looking for the just the right things for him no matter how great or small to make him happy for all holidays and birthdays. To look now just makes me sick. I don’t want to spend that effort no more. Now it isn’t special. I was lied to, cheated on, deceived, disrepected for THREE years. Never once in that time did he come to his senses or stop. It stopped only when she wanted more and since we wasn’t leaving and giving her more she told me of them. It ruined us, and it ruined them too. I haven’t done the counseling thing thou I have been told by many to do and he wants us to do marriage counseling. I really don’t want counseling for our marriage. Though I have thought about doing it for me, to help put myself back together again. I have become this miserable, angry, crying, unhappy woman and not what I want my children to witness. This is not the person they have seen all their lives. But it is who I have become. There are moments I am myself… and every day I can tell I have them more frequently… but still there is this other person I now am and I don’t like it.

Jewels from USA August 12, 2011 at 10:17 PM

Hello Kathy,
I think counseling for yourself would be wonderful for you. It will help you to break down some of that pain and anger, and while it won’t make it magically disappear, it will help you to understand and work through your emotions. You mention that you don’t want to go to counseling for your husband. Is this because you don’t think things will work out, or you are just so angry you don’t want to deal with it (or something else?). I am just curious I know you mentioned in a previous post that when you talk to him sometimes he just sits there, I remember wanted so hard for my husband to hurt as bad as I did but I couldn’t. And I was literally getting health issues trying to show him how angry and depressed I was, so I had to give up trying to make him understand how painful it is. But I am in such a better place now, I couldn’t even see a better path for me, every option in my life after the affair was a horrible one. But I took it one day at a time, and one step as a time, and eventually, I gained a new found confidence about myself that is out of this world. I guess the point it, there is hope. And sometimes when you don’t have any for yourself, you have to depend on hope from others stories, like me. Have a good weekend!

Jewels from USA August 12, 2011 at 10:25 PM

Hello Sandy-Sue
300,000$ – Love the logic in that – makes perfect sense. The spending money on these women is insane – I might just write a post about this topic. They spend money on these women in ways that they never did us, and that is wrong. I personally feel because the relationship is so fantasy and materialistic driven, that the men have to keep playing into it. After all, outside the money and sex, most of the time, there is no relationship, so that have to keep it up. Problem is, that is OUR money, and I was furious when I found out OUR money was going to her – how rude and just out right disrespectful. But it’s all ok, I am at the point in my life where I don’t even have time to focus on that part of the affair, I lucky have focused my sights on achieving my personal goals and dreams, and that takes 1st priority as far as consuming my mind, and he is not included. You will get there as well, Good Luck!!

Kathy August 13, 2011 at 1:38 PM

Jewels:
I don’t really know for sure why I don’t want to go to counseling w/ him but something tells me it is because somehow it makes me feel like I did something wrong in this marriage as well as him and together we have to fix eachother or ourselves to make it right. And I hate to sound perfect, because I am far from that. But I feel I have done all a wife can possibly do and maybe more at times and yet it wasn’t enough for him to remain faithful. I have stood beside him when he was going thru some tough times and have been faithful always. I have always done my share or load as you say in our household. I have made many of sacrifices and done things I would prefer not to all in the name of love and because it was expected of me. I have put up with things from his family that were unjust and watched him do nothing and I know many of women who wouldn’t of stood there and taken that and let it go but I did. I have given up many of dreams I had to ensure he could do what he needed to do in his job to make his career soar and his dreams come true. Which they did. Mind you I am saying this now in my letter but I have never said this to him or tried to make him feel like he owes me or should thank me or be obligated. I just do and be happy for every one else and have pushed my feelings aside. He has come first, our children come first, his family and mine have come first. I let myself settle and be happy for them and what I do have. I have always been proud of him and have said so for years. I have bragged about him and maybe even put him on a pedestool thinking I was so lucky. I thought I found this wonderful family man. Respectful, responsible, hard working, loyal, committed, and a terrific father for my children. I never looked over my shoulder or spied on him. He has lots of freedom just like I have lots of freedom. Never did I think one should be demanding or demeaning in knowing every move the other spouse makes. It was all based on trust and I so did trust him and his word on everything. Well the pedestool is now removed. There is this other side to him… the cheating. lieing, ciniving, untrusting, unfaithful side that I now know exists. I know counseling may give me tools to learn to deal with my anger and stop my constant crying and emotional state. I don’t feel I need counseling to learn what I can do to make us a better couple. I don’t see where I let him down…. I only see where he let me down. I just think of counseling and how I failed him and in my heart I think he failed me not I him.

Sarah August 13, 2011 at 10:03 PM

Kathy, I support you completely in your decision to have individual counseling, without your husband. At this point YOU need an advocate who will work with you and you alone to process your feelings. You deserve a safe place and the proper professional support to work through your pain. Hope you’ll be able to find a good therapist who specializes in infidelity issues. Wishing you all the best.

Heather Thomas August 14, 2011 at 8:42 AM

Hi Kathy,
You know your own feelings better than anyone. Counseling helped my relationship because it helped him to see why I felt all the feelings that I did. For example, my husband didn’t want to talk about it when I had questions for him. The counselor pointed out that he didn’t want to talk about it because he wanted the ordeal to go away but that by trying not to talk about it didn’t help me with my feelings. He validated my emotional state and agreed that it may be this way for quite some time. My husband doesn’t want to focus on the negative and wants to “move on”!! Well we can do that but when I have a rising emotion, whether its anger or that I want answers, he has to understand that I am not the one who made this choice and put our relationship in this situation. Sometimes I make comments that he doesn’t like, but that’s just me and probably because she kept calling my house telling me to tell my husband to come get his stuff!!!Ha, ha…so stupid. The last phone call she told me that she was pregnant by my husband, which I know is not true. I’ve changed my number…so I feel like we’re moving on!
Just wanted to let you know that counseling did help us, but everyone is different, and you know what’s best for you! Keep you head up though!

Kathy August 14, 2011 at 1:10 PM

Heather -
What you describe about your husband sounds exactly like mine. He wants it to just go away and he wants me “normal” and not emotional and he avoids questions. Whenever I ask them he responds kindly by saying “lets just talk about us”. So there are so many things bothering me I want to know that I just have no answers for. I don’t think he understands. He got all the “fun”, a family and wife and a mistriss too with favors… he got it all. What I got in return is hurt and all these other mixed up feelings. Some days I love him and other days I am mad at myself because I do and that he doesn’t deserve my love or sex or anything else I do or give to him. Where is my fun? I guess my fun was when for those three yrs I didn’t know it was going on and still felt so lucky and happy and proud of him. I read somewhere it can take as long to recover as the affair took place. This affair was for 3 yrs. I know I cannot live with the feelings and emotions I have for 3 yrs. It has been 4 months and it is just horrific the way my emotiions run. One minute I am fine and “normal” the next minute I regret being so “normal” and nice to him thinking he deserves nothing nice from me. Your right the husbands made this choice to put us in this place we are in yet they want it all to just “go away” like taking out the trash or walking the dog. This event isn’t normal to our/my psyche it is the worst thing to happen in my life thus far. Harder to cope with than loosing my mother. Which happened while he was having his affair and I went thru alone. This affair pointed out things I didn’t see before that now I see full throttle. I see what a selfish, self-serving man he can be. I hate that I am married to someone like that. I despise those qualities. And Sarah, what has crossed my mind is that maybe after I have counseling for myself and the counselor can see how I feel and help me cope maybe then he can come into the picture. Maybe the counselor I need does individuals and couples. But really I want a counselor for myself…. I just to find out if it really does improve my disposition and attitude and then maybe I will be open down the road for both to counsel together. But I still don’t ever want to hear that something I did caused this affair. He did that all on his own and if he pays the price it is what he deserves. Divorce still isn’t off the table for me. I have told myself I will stick it out for one year, my twins are seniors in h.s., my other children are adults and if in a yr I feel the way I do now then there is nothing to stay in the marriage for. But if by some miracle things are better.. well I have 26 yrs invested and I am not throwing them away lightly. But I won’t stay and just continue being miserable. Some days it is torture having him live in the same house with me. It is a reminder everytime I look at him what he has done. That just hasn’t gone away. But I haven’t had prof. help yet either. Something I need to do. I have already been given a suggestion from a lawyer someone they say is a good counselor and now I just have to make that big leap and make the appointment.

Jewels from USA August 14, 2011 at 9:11 PM

Kathy:
Thanks for taking the time to explain why you didn’t want marriage counseling. There are so many times in my life when I have very strong convictions about something, but not in sync enough with my own emotions to explain why. So it’s cool that you know exactly why, and that you are supported in your decision. There are always 2 recoveries from the affair, Your Personal Recovery (your thoughts, your emotions, your feelings), and The Marriage Recovery (stay or leave, what’s next, the kids, ect.). Most women only focus on the marriage recovery and totally neglect there own recovery, which is the most important because if you can’t get your own emotions and thoughts in order, you are going to have a hard time saving the marriage if that is the path you want to take. So good for you in putting yourself first. Let us know how it goes!

sue August 16, 2011 at 11:40 AM

I found out about my husbands affair a few weeks before our 21st anniversary. Our anniversary was while on break with our kids. We didn’t celebrate. I have forgiven my husband…I will never forget. The affair was almost 18 years ago. He was able to keep this secret that long. I have now known for 6 months. Around the time I found out, my husband was being secretive. I found out he was out with another woman and he said he was doing something else. The other woman was genuinely surprised when I told her that he lied about being with her, she thought I knew they were meeting and even asked why I wasn’t there.

Louise August 17, 2011 at 5:08 PM

Kathy, I was saddened to read your story. My cheating husband also wants me to “get over it” and hopes it will all go away. My husband was with other women behind my back for 5 years and it has been 2 years since I found out and am still with him. It has not gotten any better during that time and you are still so new in your discovery. 4 months is still very early and the emotions and thoughts you have are completely normal. I question whether my feelings and thoughts are normal still after 2 years.

And yes when you discover your spouse has been cheating you see a whole new side of them that they kept hidden from you. Selfishness, ability to keep secrets, deceptiveness, and once our eyes are opened to these qualities in them, I have personally found it hard to see anything else but that. Very hard to understand that we believed we were in a marriage and they were really just manipulating it to suit themselves. I know, it makes us feel like fools for not seeing it. It’s not that we are fools, it’s just that they are masters of deceit and covering up their secret double lives.

I only wish I had been allowed to make an informative decision about my marriage if my husband had been honest and truthful about his unhappiness and desire to be “friends” with other women.

I made the leap to see a lawyer. It’s just a way of informing you of your options and for you to then decide what you want. I also went/go to personal counselling, although I do find that it stirs the pot and I come out of it sometimes feeling worse than when i went in. Best wishes to you.

Kathy August 19, 2011 at 2:31 PM

Louise- How long have you two been married may I ask? To hear you never healed and went to counseling and still 2 yrs later feeling somewhat worse isn’t hopeful. Oh how I wish my husband would have come to me too when things were wrong and he ventured elsewhere. We would be in such a better place today. Because, after they take that plunge of cheating.. it is something you can’t take back and on the other side, our side, cannot forget. It lays heavy on my heart. Somedays I will admit are better than others and from the outside by someone who doesn’t know about this affair happening, we probably appear normal. Because in many of ways I portray that to others. I don’t want all to know my business. Only a rare few know of this affair that took place by him and I prefer to keep it that way. At home though, when there isn’t family or friends over, he and I both know it is always there between us. I am not happy. Don’t even know how I can be after what he did. It is such a betrayal and the wounds are deep. The counselor I wanted to see, that a lawyer suggested, is booked until Nov. and I cannot wait that long. So I am seeking to find another and for me I want a female, don’t ask why. But, I believe for me it will be easier to open up to. So that is my one requirement. My husband wants me to be “over it” and “move on” and improve our relationship and have all that trust again and of course intimacy. Not going to happen. Definately when he won’t open up and constantly stares or gets angry when I want info. I am at the point now I am not begging him for info anymore. Our relationship has hit a stall.. it is not healing or going forward and that is the way it will remain until he comes to me to help me cope. I am done asking. If he can’t help me with truths and me coping then why am I trying so hard. I am really stressed about this and getting more angry over. Haven’t been able to sleep much for at least a week now. So I decided to take a different approach. Just leave as they are. We are barely speaking at all, no intimacy, but I am remaining pleasant around the house as much as possible (don’t want my kids living with an ogre), doing my normal duties, having fun w/ the kids, etc. But with him, there is not much going on. If he likes it this way.. then he can keep doing what he is doing and it just won’t improve. If he wants things to improve, I need him to make some sort of effort. I don’t understand why I am putting in all the effort when he is the one that had the affair. So I am done. I can remain this way a very long time. Just long enough for my kids to graduate this next summer and to have a wedding for my eldest with his family intact as he wished. But then.. no, I am through. It is time he showed some remorse to me and went out of his way. That I haven’t seen at all. I am not the one that put us in this position. It is going to take him to change it. I am done begging. And as for intimacy, that is off the table. If we can’t communicate and he be open then there is nothing to be close and intimate about. Since I have come to this conclusion how to handle, I am better within myself.. but it is still hard to sleep at nites. No more peaceful rest for me. It is because nothing is being done to put to rest and fix things. Just stalling here is all it seems, for the inevitable if this is our life now.

Belinda August 26, 2011 at 8:58 PM

Hi Jewel…thank you so much for taking the time to respond (9th August). My new mantra for the time being, when ever he dishes out crap to me is “My husband has no clue”….I haven’t seen him for a while but have had to speak to him about our daughter and his new girl getting to meet her. He promised that the two of them would not meet until we agreed together that she had stopped asking about when Daddy was coming home etc but I found out through her that they have been going out to dinner and the beach etc all together. He says it was innocent and that it wasn’t planned and they just happened to be at the same place at the same time….yeah right. Next on the list was an email to me yesterday saying that the new girlfriend wasn’t the reason that he ended our marriage – it was just a coincedence that that person he turned to for advice on our marriage (a 20 year old who has had the hots for him before Christmas) was the person he started having feelings for. I can see through the lies and realise it’s just a way for him to justify that he did nothing wrong – but it still hurts because I know what they have both said and done over the last eight months to me and I know by him saying that he will never accept or acknowledge the extreme hurt and pain he has caused me. At present he is putting pressure on his family for them to meet her and make her feel welcome and they have all rejected that idea for the time being. His mother has said she will never meet the homewrecker. Our daughter is the first born granddaughter and she practically looked after her for two years full time since she was little when I returned to work. They have a very special bond and all she can see is that this person (along with my husband) helped to rip apart her granddaughters family. His sister has also made it very clear that she will not be welcome to the family Christmas and they are making plans to have a special day just before Christmas so I can get together with them all – without him. Aside from everything though I miss him and still have feelings for him which I know he does not deserve…as much as people say to forget him and move on it’s a very tough thing to do after 17 years together. It’s nice to hear his family tell me that he doesn’t deserve me and that they could not believe it when someone like him ended up with a good person like me…but the only person I want to understand this doesn’t care anymore. He is a complete stranger to me when he was the one person I thought I knew better than anyone else.

Jasmine August 26, 2011 at 9:44 PM

OMG belinda I just want to give you a big hug! I can not imagine the other woman still in the pic must feel! I just feel that because you are married you given up even thinking about cheating and to see so many men just say 2 hell with it kills me! I just found out my husband from 6yrs has had 3 one night stands today! And I can’t breath let alone smile for more than 10min in front of our son to have to go running in the bathroom because gators tears continuosly falling from my eyes! You sound so calm and well together though I’m proud of you!

Belinda August 26, 2011 at 10:05 PM

Hello Jasmine…I will accept a hug any day…a friend told me “don’t let his actions define you”….and they won’t. It’s hard knowing what she looks like and sounds like..she is much younger than me and pretty but you know, she is an ugly ugly person for what she has done and that makes me better than her in every way. The hardest part is thinking that she has won…she got what she wanted and the only one that has lost out in this is me. But really, what kind of prize did she win? A man who cheats on his wife, lies to his family and walks out on his daughter. Some prize. I know what I have won…I have my daughter, my health, amazing friends and family who love me (including ones from his family), a great well paying job (double what he earns) and I am a good person. There are still days when all the negatives take over (it’s very early days for me yet) but slowly I know I’ll hang on to the positives and start to believe them. My work mate is taking me to our annual work ball tonight…the first time I’ve been out for 17 years as a single person. I’ve got a sexy dress (I would never have worn a dress like this ever when I was married) and I’m going to go out and have a fabulous time. The hard part will be coming home alone. My husband has lost the best thing he ever had. You can do this Jasmine, even if you think you can’t now, you can do this. You are so much stronger than you think.

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens;but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”

Jasmine August 27, 2011 at 1:52 PM

Thank you Belinda your words really helped me (beside all the crying I did reading it) I thought delivering a child was the worst pain I have had but this beats that any day! I did’nt even have the strength to make our son breakfast dis morning so he had to eat a peanut and jelly sandwhich with cut up banana’s. Thank you I just wish this storm would past faster I feel so weak and tired of crying like a baby in the bathroom! I just don’t know why he did it and why keep it from me 4 so long! 6yr is nothing compared to your 17yr. I just want to know why make those vows to me in front of our father(God) and our family and friends if your gonna break them? But aside of all that thank you for your words I felt them uplift my heart and now I have enough strenght to go to the bathroom!! Thank you so much Belinda!

Belinda August 30, 2011 at 1:22 AM

Hello Jasmine….I have been thinking about you and I hope you are ok. Keep reading the info on this site. There are so many stories from some amazing women on here who have experienced so much hurt but have got through it. I have to believe that I can be one of those women too otherwise his actions will shape the rest of my life for the bad…and I will not let that happen. Try not to understand why…because you never will. Stay strong Jasmine.

Bebe September 12, 2011 at 2:14 PM

Hi Jewel!

Just recently I found out that my husband had been having an affair behind my back for the past 8 months. When I found out I felt like my whole world just flip upside down. I was angry at first, then the anger turned into sadness and disappointment. I thought to myself, how can this cheating husband of mine betrayed and deceived me in all the wrong ways. You would think that by taking those vows “for better or for worst” it would kick in when the problems starting evolving in the marriage. In my case he took the immature way out and made the decision to cheat on me.

To make a long story short, he cheated on me because he felt that “we argue to much”, “he couldn’t talk to me” and “we didn’t see eye to eye”. What ever his reason was it doesn’t count for the cheating. The cheating is decided when he put himself in that situation. Therefor no reason is a good enough reason for cheating. Cheating is cheating.

And to top it off the home-wrecker is pregnant and he don’t know if it’s his kid. Crazy right? The part that makes me even more angry is that he couldn’t man up and tell me that the bitch (excuse my french) was pregnant. I honestly don’t feel bad for him at all. This is what happen when he decided to lied, deceived and betrayed. You know what they say “if you play with fire, you will get burnt in the end”. And that’s exactly what happen, karma’s a bitch isn’t she? I just don’t know what do to if I do decide to stay with him. I would have to accept the baby if it is his. Because at the end of the day I am a mother myself and I know that the baby is the innocence victim of the outcome of this situation.

We are not together, but we do live in the same house. I guess you can say we still act the same towards each other, but “couple part” is out. I just don’t want to have to worry about him cheating when he goes out. Let’s just make it easy and call it an open marriage. I just don’t sleep around and I can’t speak for the cheating husband. How do you feel about my situation?

Thank you for sharing your story.

-Bebe

Jewels from USA September 13, 2011 at 5:13 PM

Hello Bebe,

I felt the same way, when the marriage started having problems, he cheated, and I am like, that is all that it took, really?? And then your husband did the same thing mine did, blamed it on me like I made him lie and I made him pick up the phone and made him go lay with someone else. I use to feel really bad about it at first, but then I I felt like it was very selfish of him to throw his reason’s for cheating on me, not cool at all.

Anyways, I did that whole living together but not a ‘couple’ for a while, primarily because i needed time to adjust raising the kids alone on my days and I needed to get money saved to move out. Once I mentally decided to leave, I cut him off, no more sex, no more small talk, I needed to mentally detach. I did not cheat, but I he was still seeing this women, I didn’t realize it at first but then I found out. And although I knew it was over between us and totally detached from him, it still irritated the hell out of me that he was still sneaking around. I felt like “ok now, do you really need to play this game at this point…really??”

I thought I was in a good place living there knowing I am leaving, but now that I live alone, I feel SO much better than when I lived with him without the partnership, if that makes sense.

For you, it seems like you are still undecided as to weather to stay or leave, which is not a good place to be in this ‘open marriage’ type situation. I knew I was leaving, so my experience is totally different.

So here are some things to think about:

Eventually you will need to decide weather to stay or leave the marriage, I think you just found out, so no need to rush. You call it an open marriage as if you are ok with it, and if you were ok with open marriage prior to the cheating, great. If not, you want to make sure you are not sacrificing a part of your morals and values to accommodate him, because at the end of the day, that mentally is going to impact you. If you continue to have sex with him, protect yourself, he is not going to like it, tough. You don’t know this lady and we know from the baby that he was not using protection.

It seems like you need to some time to sort things out, and living in the house for a while until then is ok, just make sure months from now you are not still trying to decide if you should stay or leave. And be careful with the sex thing, if you do not want to have sex with him, it is totally ok. Don’t feel obligated, he cheated, you need time to sort your emotions out.

Lastly, about the baby. That does add another dynamic. I would focus on the home situation and decide if you want to stay or leave before you even get into the baby situation. Just my 2 cents…good luck.

Bebe September 22, 2011 at 7:53 PM

Hi Jewel,

First off, thank you for taking the time to respond back to my post!

So it’s been a month in a half since I’ve found out about my husband’s affair with the OW. I decided to work things out with him and try to see if there is anything left of our marriage. And to be honest, I am disgusted and disappointed in him. I am at the point where I’ve learn to accept the infidelity and accept his true colors. I want this to work out for the kids, but at the same time I am questioning myself. Can I really do this? Do I really want to deal with the baby and the OW in the future? And my answer has been NO NO NO. I also told him that I know that in the end we will not be together. And I think that really hit him because in a sense I know that I will be perfectly fine with or without him.

Like I told you the OW is pregnant. He swear up and down that him and her haven’t talked to each other since I told him to cut all ties with her. Now mind you he knows I can check the phone records so they stop contacting each other “all of a sudden” when he found out I was snooping on the phone bill. Someone from his work place told my friend that he seen my husband with a second phone. The guy asked my husband why does he have that second phone when has an iphone and my husband’s respond was “I am holding my boy’s phone and my phone is broken (and its not). So I confronted the cheating husband of mine and he straight deny having a second phone. His reaction was like “oh I know your talking about”. Now my thing is if you don’t have a phone how would you know who I am talking about (another lie).

I talked to his mother because she called me to see how I am doing. She told me that my husband told her that the OW claims that my husband is the father. Umm, didn’t he tell me that he hasn’t contact her in a month already? So why would his mother say that if he didn’t talk to the OW? A bunch of lies. And to top it off I am questioning if that is really his kid because she’s been sleeping around. The reason why I know that is because my husband infected me with an STD. I wanted to kill him when I found out. He swear up and down that they didn’t do nothing sexual and I told him please your a liar!! And nothing less, a liar he is.

Anyways, I can’t trust him at all and I think I will never trust him again. I believe in my heart that he will do this again. It’s sad to say, but that’s the honest truth. How can I trust him when he did this to me and our family (we have kids, 2 & 3 1/2). It’s suck because I am a stay at home mom and he’s a military member. So he’s the one bringing in the cash. I want to make sure I am financially stable so that I can move on with my life (with my kids) and leave this cheating/lying/denying ass husband.

He shows me that he is sorry. And he would tell me that he “doesn’t deserve me” and that “I am the best thing that ever happen to him”. Why don’t I believe him? Oh because he broke the trust that we had. But yeah, at least I feel better and I am not crying over this fool anymore. I believe that he doesn’t deserve anymore of my time or tears. And I need to be happy, for myself and for my kids. Because at the end of the day my kids is all that matters in my life!!! I know I deserve nothing but the best and in my eyes he wasn’t the BEST.

P.s. Your a smart and strong women! Thank you again for sharing your story!!

-Bebe

Jewels from USA September 25, 2011 at 4:40 PM

Thanks Bebe for the p.s. note!!

It seems like everything that you wrote recently leans towards you leaving, so let me share some things with you concerning that.

First the kids – I was the same way, leaving knowing that the kids will not have that perfectly family thing going on was tough. But what did it for me was the thought of staying with a person that lies and cheats, and having my kids grow up thinking that’s ok to do. Or even worse, having my kids staying with someone that lies and cheat because they grew up thinking that is ok. My kids are very young as well (now 5 and 2) you think they won’t know, but they do. And I told myself, I have got to leave if nothing more than to teach my daughter that if someone is consistently not treating you right, you don’t put up with it. Again, she doesn’t know now, and I will tell you, she has anger towards me (because I spend all the time with her, like I am holding her hostage from daddy), she misses her Dad greatly, and I don’t talk bad about him at all. But eventually she will know and understand in due time. I also read some books about kids and divorce that helped me greatly.

As far as him being the bread winner, cool. Just because you get a divorce does not mean he leaves you with two kids to raise on your own. If you live in the US there is this thing called child support and potentially alimony. I am not a lawyer so this is not legal advice, just my opinion, but go get a free consultation from a divorce lawyer to see what your options are in your situation.

Bebe, I will tell you, the moment you really decide you are leaving him, in the months that will follow, doors will open up for you to help you leave, people will offer to help and situations will come into your life that will give you the courage to feel that you can leave and be ok. Can’t wait to see this happen for you. Take Care.

A mess October 13, 2011 at 11:10 PM

I have search the internet for answers, for something to help me, for people to understand. I feel so bloody gutted. I have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 9. I found out he had had an affair last Sept and his last contact with her was in April this year. We have 5 children, all are very young. I live in different country from my family and friends, and I am trying very hard to be strong.
My husband never fronted up about what he had done, I unfortunately went on the attack, determined to know EVERYTHING. In hindsight knowing hurt so much more, but I had to know (hope that makes sense). I naturally hit the roof, his clothes found their way to his business premises in shreds, and the OW aka- elevator knickers and I had a wee ‘chat’. I still cant get over the adrenaline and anger I felt, then the heartrenching shock and hurt.
What made it all worse for me though, is that elevator knickers runs a baby business in our small town! She is totally in my face – my muppet of a husband couldnt have chosen better. She swans around like she has done nothing wrong and has no conscience. I do find this very hard. Elevator knickers over the past 7 months sent me emails descibing what they had done, places they stayed, she sent me their emails to each other and txt messages. I really do see this girl as sick, It was hard enough to know he had cheated let along read what he said. She started to stalk my husband, and she went to my daughters kindy. The police could do nothing, as her business, provides her with reason to be certain places! I hate how no one knows what she has done, how she can give advice to mothers when she has no respect for familys.
However it took 2. My husband says he dosent really know why he did it. A combination of things really… family pressure, lack of attention from me, excitment. It would become very messy every time she sent me an email. I didnt change my email because I was stuck needing to know all the details. It took my husband a long time to be forceful and tell her not to contact him anymore. Unfortunately he is a coward and was worried about what elevator knickers was going to say to me, further emails, reputation, etc.
He has always said he is sorry, cried, begged forgiveness. He tells me he had stopped looking at me and looked past me. He trys to do everything, he trys to be positive and kind to me. But sadly I still can’t get past what he did. I can honestly say I don’t love him like I used too, perhaps not ‘in love’. I do love him but the hurt is unbearable. I still cant believe he did it. I feel very embarressed, confused and alone. I was one of these women who thought my husband was up there on a pedestil, and boy was I landed on my arse. Maybe I was childish to think so much of him. I do feel like I’ve aged 20 years!
I have been through alot in my life, abuse, losing a baby, immigrating, but for all that I have been strong, but this seems to have got me. My strength is wavering. You put all your trust and faith in someone and they screw it up!
Our sex life is pants, although he thinks its great….perhaps because I am competing, just like so many other women have said, he loves the effort, I just feel sad. I seem to swing from bugger it I did nothing wrong to, just plain feeling bloody gutted! Its funny people come to me for advise, and I am level headed, but this is so hard to get my head around. When people hear what he did they are shocked, we appeared this perfect family, and I thought we were, obviously not. I dropped my attention after my 5th baby, I was so busy and hormonal….men are very fickle its seems, and the opening was made for elevator knickers, who would not back off. My baby was only 9 months when it started, my oldest is just 7, and she knew our family, knew me!
Right now I am of the mindset to give it a chance; one chance to see if we can make a marriage again. If I don’t try I will never know, and I have the responsibilty of 5 little lives.
To all the woman who have suffered the same, I feel for you, I understand, and men are not ‘wired up’ right! Take care, and keep going. x

Broken October 15, 2011 at 10:48 PM

I found this website today. And this is a good thing. I feel so alone. It doesn’t seem to ever get better. But then we are together for the kids. I want it to be more than that. But for him it is just for the kids. Each birthday for my children should be a happy occasion. But it just brings me one year closer to my family being disassemble. It has been years since the first affair. Some days I can pretend I am living the life everyone thinks I am and I am okay. Today, Sweetest Day (stupid Hallmark Holiday) it is hard because he is working “overtime”. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the day. After reading some of these stories, I don’t feel do alone.

Jewels from USA October 16, 2011 at 8:24 PM

A mess,
Welcome to the site. It’s really interesting that you said you have been through many things in your life but this one has got you. I hear that all the time. I think the reason why it’s so much more difficult than most life situations is because we choose to marry our husband. And that same person that we choose to marry betrayed us in such a hurtful way. It messes with your mind. You start to think, I choose to marry a person that did this, what does that make me? (I am not saying it’s good to think that way, I am just stating one of the many many emotions through this. The emotional roller coaster is insane, and unlike any other experience. So if this situation has got you mentally, don’t worry, you are not alone.

Towards the end you mentions that you want to give your marriage a chance, which is wonderful. I am a believer that marriage can survive infidelity with two committed individuals (your husband HAS to be committed to working it out with actions, not just words). I know couples that have survived and very happy in marriage now, so it is possible. I gave my husband a chance as well, and you are right, because I walked away feeling good that at least I gave him an opportunity to treat me right. I would tell you that in your effort of marriage recovery, don’t neglect your own. Because cheating takes a huge emotional toll on you. And sometimes as women we focus so much on the marriage recovery, we neglect our own personal affair recovery journey, which is essential for you to be that loving wife and person that you know you are.

Jewels from USA October 16, 2011 at 8:40 PM

Hello Broken,

I am glad you do not feel alone, that is the entire purpose of the site. I believe you are in a situation where your husband is cheating, and he (or the both of you) decided that it is best to stay together for the kids. But you would like him to be faithful, but he continues to cheat. Very common for married couples to stay together for the kids. And it is not my place to judge either way because everyone’s situation is different. In reading the post, you don’t see ok with the current setup of your marriage, and that’s not a good thing. One of the most important things you can give your kids is a happy mom, and if this situation has got you drained/sad most of the time, it’s time to evaluate the situation with yourself first and then your husband. Your happiness is important, very very important, and you should put a high value on it. Sometimes as wives we put our own happiness at the bottom, and what happens is, if you are out of happiness, you can not reflect that onto your family, because you can only reflect what you have. So just keep that in mind as you go through. I wish you the best for you and your family because I know weather you stay together or not, it still impacts the kids.

**By the way, I will send you a direct note about the ebook not opening for you.

Lisa October 30, 2011 at 6:38 PM

Hello, I’m trying to be short with this.Friend of mine pregnant hubby cheating her over a yr. with the same female.She pretends everything is ok.She don’t know what’s going on and we know he gonna stop cheating once baby born.Not sure but she tries to make everything picture perfect by posting happpy pics on twitter and fb and making them look happy.She always saying that they are happy because everyone can tell because of their pictures.Should I tell her that he’s been having a booty call friend for over a year now.She will probably be hurt.

I could be totally wrong maybe he is happy and all and just doing this now while she’s pregnant and should stop.Once the baby is born he may feel sorry for her and stop. The pictures are very nice that they post and he seem so happy in these photos maybe .Bad thing is he’s cheating with someone she knows but we don’t want to tell.He’s bragging to his friends showing videos and pics of her to his friends. This is their first born so she’s extremely excited and she feels everything is ok and perfect.Any advice.

Mona October 31, 2011 at 6:24 AM

Once a cheater always a cheater! If you tell your friend of course she is going to be hurt. She going to be totally devastated actually. Life will never be the same for her and she will always look back on the pregnancy with sadness. How do I know this? I found out my partner was cheating on me when I was seven months pregnant. I was so devastated I stopped eating and my pregnancy suffered greatly as a result. So did my sons health in his first 8 months of his life. He is now 11 months old and finally getting better.
In my case, I gave my partner a second chance. I allowed him to be at the birht despite the fact that he kept seeing the girl until I was 8 months pregnant. The thanks I got for this was that he started seeing the girl again when my son was 8 weeks old!!! I just found out week ago that they hav still been seeing each other fr the last 9 months and have ended the relationship. I now reget his involvement in my sons birth and first year of his life and wish Id been strong enough to keep him out of it…. my life would be different now. look back sadly not only my pregnancy but now also on the first year of my sons life.
In answer to your question, finding out your husband is cheating at such a fragile time is devastating but its worse if it keeps going on and on as it has in my case.
If you think she has the strength to cope with the rest of her pregnancy and the birth without him thn she will be better off knowing now. One things for sure, he wont stop just because the baby is born!!
My partner cried when he witnessed my son being born and said he had so many regrets but within 8 short weeks, he was back to sleeping with the girl! They never change!!! If a man can cheat on a woman when she is pregnant and vulnerable he can do it anytime!!! And lets face it, new babies are hard work and cheaters are alwasy looking for the easy way out….. when the going gets tough, he will go to the other girl for comfort and an escape.
Im sorry I dont have anything positive to say but this is the reality.
Much love and best wishes to your friend right now. Help her focus on herself and the baby.

Lisa October 31, 2011 at 8:12 PM

wow , thanks Mona and I’m sorry your situation was so distraught. I will try and comfort her.It’s sad that they will cry at that moment but as you said he turned right around and slept with the same female.You would even think emotions are involved now.You sound like you really learned through your situation and I hope my friend do the same.

Jewels from USA November 2, 2011 at 12:32 AM

Hello Lisa,

These situations are always tough. The first thing I will say is you mentioned that he will probably stop after the baby is born – yeah….actually he probably won’t stop, just because a baby enters the world does not stop them from cheating, unfortunately.

I can’t give you a yes or no answer because there are so many factors at play (how many months pregnant?). I have interacted with many women that are pregnant and having such a hard time coping, and others who didn’t know and got an STD. The fact that he is flaunting this to all of his friends is disturbing.

I also found out 2 weeks before my son was born – I had to force myself to eat – no appetite after I found out.

In your position, you don’t want to put yourself in a situation where you are in the middle of everything. This is just my personal opinion, but here are some options.

1. Do you know the husband? Talk to the husband and say I know, you better tell her or I will……
2. You can talk to your friend to see if she is totally unaware or if she has been suspicious. That conversation might turn into your telling her or facilitating a conversation that will expose him.
3. Just tell her or Just don’t tell her

Sorry I don’t have anymore thoughtful options. I know it was horrible finding out that my husband cheated while I was pregnant but I would not take back knowing (that is just my opinion). I know it’s a hard position, but I would be really hurt if my friends knew and didn’t tell me. Lastly, I am big on intentions, so if your intentions are pure you can’t go wrong. Go with the gut feel and let that guide your decision. I hope things work for you.

mightyshe November 10, 2011 at 1:34 AM

I just found this site today. Hope it will help.
My struggles are this. Through it all. I still love him. So much it hurts. Literally. I’m struggling to keep it together. The days get harder not easier. I’m sick of people telling me time heals all wounds. Tired of always being alone. That I am strong. I will survive this. I KNOW ALL THIS. But knowing doesn’t help. It doesn’t fill the void. It doesn’t make me feel as if I have value. The only things I ever wanted out of life was to be a good wife & a mother. I was a wife and a mother, to 3 beautiful four legged furry loves’ and it was still taken away from me.

How I got here:
I married the love of my life March 21st 2008… It didn’t take long before my husband went off the rails. Not sure what came first… the drinking or the women… the women then the drinking. But he had an affair. He said it only happend once. Told me months after it happened. I wasn’t surprised all the signs were there. Even though I asked him when I suspected & he denied it, only to come clean 3 weeks before your one year anniversary. From March till about April or May he carried on an extensive relationship with her all the while telling me he wanted to be with me. He moved out for a couple months. By the end of April he was home & we went on a cruise. Only for me to find him sexting another girl. Long story short it was all my fault, my insecurities. So he said. But I didn’t feel insecure, I felt betrayed. Disrespected. But he convinced me (of course) that I was creating this new “affair in my head”. The girl was just a friend. He couldn’t help it that she wanted him. But he wasn’t doing anything. Well come to find out the girl had interned at his job. She was 17 years our junior. Are you kidding me? My issues…?? Really?
So after a year and finding video of this young girl coming into my house, my bed, & sleeping with my husband in the middle of the day while I was at work.. I had finally had enough of “us” trying. He said he was confused, lost, and I needed to be patient with him. Please tell me you are kidding. But even though I moved out, I still was trying to find a way to get through to him. To get him to understand what we had was more valuble then any “feeling” this little girl could give him. But I couldn’t get through to him. So I finally filed for divorce last month. I wasted the last 19 months of my life fighting for my marriage. And yes it was mine, not his, not hers… MINE.
So again. I know I am better off without him. I deserve to be treated better. But how do you turn your back on someone you love. This is new territory for me. To me, family is family. That never changes. You never turn you back on family. No matter what the cost. It’s destroying me. Not making me stronger. I feel as if I am floating in the middle of the ocean with a slow leak in my craft & no way to stop it.
But again. I know none of this is my fault. I am a beautiful, capable, strong women, who any man would be proud to be with.

Sandy-Sue November 11, 2011 at 11:20 AM

Mightyshe,
I am so sorry that you are going through this! It is shameful what our husbands have done to us over their stupid decisions!!
I too have made the decision to leave after fighting for my marriage for almost 11 months after D-Day. 25 years down the drain!….over his choice to have an affair with a girl half our age! But, while at the same time I am planning my complete “exit” (we separated briefly a few months ago), I am scared to death facing my future.
Your exact words, could be or actually ARE my very own thoughts:
“I know I am better off without him. I deserve to be treated better. But how do you turn your back on someone you love. This is new territory for me. To me, family is family. That never changes. You never turn you back on family. No matter what the cost. It’s destroying me. Not making me stronger. I feel as if I am floating in the middle of the ocean with a slow leak in my craft & no way to stop it.
But again. I know none of this is my fault. I am a beautiful, capable, strong women, who any man would be proud to be with.”
Take care and stay strong! And I will try to stay strong too! This website is such a great help in realizing that we are not alone.
Hugs,
:)
Sandy-Sue

Jewels from USA November 11, 2011 at 11:30 PM

Hello Mightyshe,

I sense a couple of things in your comment, and I am sorry in advance if it is the same old stuff. First thing that pops out to me is that you are still very angry over the whole situation. Your dream of being the wife and mother is shattered and your angry because you blame him for shattering that dream. You also seem upset because your not 100% sold on getting the divorce.

I am not sure if this is from your upbringing or not, but it appears that there is a big conflict between your values and your current situation. Meaning it appears you were raised that family is family, stay together, no matter what it takes. Maybe you were raised to believe that you get married and divorce is not an option. But at the very same time you were raised to be a strong woman, and the woman in you is saying, I can’t stay here, I am stronger than this, I will not be disrespected. And even though you filed for divorce, that strong sense of family staying together has got you mentally torn in a way that is causing you to feel like you are floating in the ocean. I may be totally off but that is just my guess from reading your comment.

So what do you do now? First, I want you to know that just because you are filing for divorce does not mean you are turning your back on the family. You can still be a wonderful mom and if you let go of the anger, you will be in a position where you can talk to him and not feel that you are turning your back on him. Speaking of anger, I sense anger in your comment as well, and you have to let go of that anger, and yes it’s not easy, but the thing I will tell you is the first step is valuing how you feel as the most important thing. I would spend so much time being angry, and it made me angry that my husband wasn’t angry!! Then I realized I can’t force anyone to be angry, only myself. So why am I spending my time being angry at someone who is not? I decided that how I feel was a priority and I wasn’t going to let anyone take that away. I started to think about what made me feel good and if that meant less interaction with him, so be it. Anger will drain you as well.

Also, it is ok. I think you are mentally beating yourself up because you feel like you could not keep the dream you had for so long of married with kids alive. Well it takes two to make that dream a reality and if it doesn’t work, it does not make you a person that turns your back on family or a person who did not try hard enough, you know what it makes you, human :).

Angie November 14, 2011 at 4:54 PM

Feel soo lost.
I’ve been with my husband for 4 years we met in church when I was 18 we got married February of this year. We had our ups and downs like all relationships do but today we hit one that I don’t know if I can get over, I’m 6 months pregnant with our son and have been soo completely happy and thankful to God because we had been trying to have a baby for over a year and couldn’t get pregnant. I personally thought everything was fine because I always give my husband attention and love that a wife should. I cook, clean, and work full time because unfortunately he’s not working right now.
I haven’t been able to work out very much becaus I get home soo tired from work I just want to make dinner and relax or go to bed. I’ve never considered myself to be fat or overweight I like my body shape and he used to compliment me on it all the time but recently he’s developed this crazy obsession with working out and telling me I need to work out because my arms aren’t tight enough and my butt isn’t as perky apparently. My husband is not the Brad Pitt type to be calling out all my flaws and I don’t recall many REAL women looking like models while they’re pregnant. So for the past couple weeks when I get home I use the little energy I have left to do some squats and arm exercises but it still isn’t enough. He keeps telling me he refuses to be with a woman that doesn’t work out and that I’m too big. And it really hurts me for him to say these things because quite honestly I’m typical woman size I wear a size 9 jean and have a size 34 bra line in my opinion that’s normal size a natural woman is typically a size 12 I believe or that’s atleast what my mother used to tell me. So anyway I’m getting off topic…I never look through my husbands phone he’s always been protective of it since we were only friends back in 08 so I never really tripped about it. But recently he’s been hiding things from me and I know this sounds juvenile but we took a break last year and I deleted him from my facebook so now he says he won’t add me back to teach me a lesson. I let that slide too and last night he was on his facebook an awful lot and ofcourse doesn’t let me see what it is he’s doing…so this morning when he was brushing his teeth coincidentally we were going to have some morning “private time” I got curious and grabbed his phone expecting to feel stupid afterward for checking it in the first place. so I went into his texts and bam! theres a bunch of unsaved numbers and the first text is from last night at 1am while i was asleep with pics of some chick in a party dress and his response was oh wow you look soo sexy, and she put you don’t know what your missing and on and on went that convo he even was dumb enough to say oh man sorry for some of the stuff i’m saying right now i’m a little tipsy…which was bull he was in bed right next to me texting some stupid chicks that know he’s married.
when he came back in the room his face went soo pale… and I was sooo enraged and hurt and full of emotions. I told him I hated him and that he has some nerve and he tried to tell me that was from a long time ago and I told him it was from just last freaken night! So than all of a sudden his infidelity was my fault he said he had warned me that if I didn’t work out he could find someone better than me…but if that was the case why the he** did he marry me and get me pregnant?!?!? He isn’t even working and hasn’t been. I’ve been supporting him and paying his rent, bills, and food! I called him ungreatful and smacked him across the face…I have never done that before but he deserved that…and more…I know he hasn’t literally slept with any of these girls but thats where it starts…It’s no excuse for me either I’ve been working crazy and not had much time for myself but it wouldn’t be that way if he were working and I could work less hours but we have a baby to prepare for and right now that is more important to me…and I know this stress isn’t good on the baby either. I don’t know what to do I love him he was my first and I was his…but he has changed soo much and I can’t believe that I’ve done anything to deserve this…and being a christian we don’t believe in divorce but I can’t even look at him the same anymore.

Jewels from USA November 16, 2011 at 8:12 AM

Hello Angie,

I am still unsure as if he admitted to cheating or not, I know there was a text from a girl flirting and his response was not cool at all. I know later he mentioned something about saying it’s your fault he did it, is he talking about cheating? I know how it feels to find out your husband is calling another woman sexy, it almost takes the breath out of you, especially when you are with child.
So interesting enough, I am actually more concerned with how he is treating you than the girl in the text. Concerning the text message or cheating, for him to tell you yeah it is your fault because you are not in shape because you are pregnant – INSANE!! Don’t believe that for a second, that is just wrong and incorrect all over the board. He has no idea what you go through as a women to prepare to have a child. And I can see if he asked you to work out and exercise to have a partner to exercise with, or out of caring, but to tell you to exercise or else – who is he?
I know you have said he has changed, but I really want you to evaluate him over the next couple of months. You are right, no need for added stress because you are with child, so don’t think you have to force yourself to make a decision. BUT just watch his behavior over the next couple of months. Another thing, for him to tell you that he is not going to friend you to teach you a lesson – you are married, he should not be hiding his phone, Facebook, txt ect. So no need arguing with him, just watch him and if he continues to talk to you this way, I really want you to consider your options. I know you are Christian and you have certain beliefs associated with it (but Christians do get divorces). I do want to respect your faith, so the first step is to see if your husband will respect the faith and get counseling. I sense that maybe there is a maturity factor at play here from some of the things he is saying to you, he might not be ready for the hard work and effort that is involved in maintaining a marriage. He has got to be in a position where he sees that for himself (you can’t force him to see it). But for right now, just observe him, get rest, eat, and prepare for the wonderful bundle of joy that is coming.

Angie November 19, 2011 at 8:54 AM

Hello Jewels,

He hasn’t physically cheated with anyone that I know of…
I am a very forgiving person, some people tell me I’m too forgiving and I thought I did forgive him until this morning when I went through is phone again because I no longer trust what he does on it, and to my surprise once again I found something I never thought I would find…He had downloaded a pornography video…Of course this ticked me off once again bcuz everytime I seem to go through his phone there is something else…as soon as he noticed his phone was missing he ran through the house to find me…and I put the video in his face and said “this is what you like…this is where you’ve been getting all of the experimental ideas from…this is why your comparing my body to other women!” his excuse was that was from a long time ago and that if I wouldn’t have been having a “dry spell” he wouldn’t of had to take those measures. I was enraged but tried to stay calm because of my baby. But I feel like a fool and am embarrassed, I had forgave him for the text messages, and have been working out everyday since I found his texts the last time We were even intimate practically every day since. I really do want our marriage to work but isn’t it supposed to be a two way street? He still won’t add me on his facebook…I’m six months pregnant and he just barely announced “what would you name a baby boy” he said that’s his way of saying he’s gonna be a dad and that people will automatically know -.-
His page still says single but he said he needs time to tell people gradually…and that he’ll add me when he’s ready which to me is bull. I’m starting to feel really stupid for staying with him. I’ve always been pretty independent and know I can make it without him I have a sister that has been helping me through this as well and like a follower of the Lord she told me to try to work things out but if it gets to be too much adultery is a reason christians divorce. As you can see I have a bunch of emotions flowing through me right now…and still can’t believe that he would say its my fault. and to find porn in his phone shocked me considering when we watch movies if a guy comes out with no t-shirt on he flips out and covers my eyes…and the whole rest of the movie he’ll be accusing me of “liking half naked guys” and there’s been times we don’t even finish the movie which is completely immature. So when I saw porn on his phone I told him you get mad when I accidentally see a guy on tv with no shirt but you can watch a girl climax on a chicks breast and I can’t be mad! and your right he isn’t as mature as I thought, he’s 26 for goodness sake I’m only 22. So now that he’s all embarrassed this morning he told me that he wants a divorce and I’m honestly considering it. Being pregnant the last thing I need is all of this crap that’s he putting me throught because I know everything I feel my little guy feels…but just like a lot of these other posts I’m afraid to go through the embarrassment of telling my family…my dad already dislikes this guy to start off with…plus my aunts all told me I could do better. I feel like an idiot and now I feel soo insecure and like I can’t trust any guy. I find myself thinking I’m soo nieve, I could have done soo much more, I know I deserve more…right? I thought I was a good wife and what will I tell my son? He definately doesn’t deserve to not grow up with his father…but I have a husband that doesn’t want to do his part and only point fingers…what do I do?
should I forgive him one more time? because everytime I forgive him I end up regretting it when he does something else…or do I leave and guard my emotions so he won’t continue to hurt me.
I made an appointment with our pastor and he refused to go because he’s too embarrassed of what he’s done. and he should be!

CJ November 19, 2011 at 10:58 PM

My first thought in finding this blog is “THANK GOD I’m not alone!”
My husband and I have been married 26 years and have a daughter 20, and a son, 17. I found about a month and a half ago about my husband’s 2nd affair. The first was 18 years ago, though I just found out about 3 yrs ago. I put it behind me, believed him when he said it wouldn’t happen again and forgave him, learned to trust all over again. This second time was because he was “lonely”. I was uncaring and uncompassionate. Never mind that I was working at a new job, paying my dues on the night-shift before I could move to day-shift. He signed up on a “Find a f— buddy” website and found a “lonely widow” that lives about an hour away. He says it wasn’t emotional, just someone to have sex with whenever either of them felt the need. However, he refuses to tell me much about her, as if he is protecting her. He has told my daughter all about him being lonely and she agrees that I’m un-feeling and that he was driven to cheating. I printed out your book for her to read, hoping that she will understand where I’m at in all of this. Your book describes me to a T. She along with my husband thinks I should just forget about this again, and move on. Impossible.
Our situation now: We live in separate cities about 2 hrs from each other. He just started a new job. The plan has been for me and my son to live here until he graduates in the spring, then move to where my husband is. That means giving up a job I enjoy and my friends. I go back and forth as whether I want to keep trying at this marriage or give it up and move on. I’m so filled with resentment. And I don’t know if I love him enough anymore. I feel so alone. His family and mine know. I haven’t heard a single word from any of his family. The OW lives in a town between he and I (ironic, I know). Now I always wonder if he goes to see her after he has been here. Or does he still call/text her? He says no. There has been no physical contact between us since I found out.
Thanks for sharing your story and having this website. I’m sure I will find it very helpful to me in my journey. It already helps to know that there is someone else out there who knows exactly what I’m feeling.

Jewels from USA November 21, 2011 at 12:46 PM

Hello Angie,

This guy seems so immature you can do so much better. You mentioned a comment on what will you tell your son if you leave. You have a couple of years before you have to address that, so don’t stress over that at this time. I know you are embarrassed because you have to deal with his behavior and many in the family do not like him. But if the time comes where it is just now working out, you do not owe any family member an explanation, you can just tell him it did not work out, and that your only wish is for positive support during this time. In time you will feel more comfortable sharing. I know this might be tough, but if he asks for a divorce, strongly consider doing so because now that he requested it, I get the feeling since he hasn’t taken responsibility for anything else, he can easily say now “well I told you I want a divorce’. He is just not at the point where he can handle responsibility and I know that sucks. Many men watch porno, and they are embarrassed which is why they do it in secret, but don’t get mad at me for watching a light scene on TV while you watch full out porno on your phone! Again, it’s a sign of his immaturity, and unfortunately you can’t fix that..

I know what you are feeling, you are young and think man how could I pick such a guy, I feel like a fool, and now I have a kid with him. I felt the same way, I have two young kids, but you know what, everything happens for a reason and there is better in store for you. Keep telling yourself that there is better in store for you and you will be met with happiness in time. Also, there are TONS of people that divorce, fall in love and remarry with kids, it happens ALL the time, so don’t think that ‘this is it’ or that no one will want you with a kid, nothing can be further than the truth. Good luck with everything!

**Also it seems like your husband is has some narcissistic traits in him, look that up, it might help.

Jewels from USA November 21, 2011 at 12:58 PM

Hello CJ, thanks for the kind words about the site. It’s SO frustrating to hear I cheated because you weren’t x, y,z – where is the self-responsibility in our men?? We all have faults, I bet any married man can say my wife doesn’t do x, that does not mean you go and cheat. My husband wanted me to be affectionate all the time, well when I am stressed, that goes out the window, that is me and I am a work in progress just like everyone else. And I was feeling low about it when I first found out, but now I realize that I can no longer live my life trying to be perfect for his needs, or else he cheats, that is no way to live. So he needs to find someone that can live up to that expectation or work on his self-esteem so he doesn’t need to be validated all the time. It seems like your husband has got your daughter on his side, and don’t you worry about that. She is young and she luckily has probably not experienced enough life to understand the depth of the problem it’s very complicated, I bet you in time she will understand more. Your husband says he is lonely, but you know what, you are the lonely one. I use to tell my husband, at least you had a darn shoulder to cry on during this time, I was stressed and had no one. And it seems like now that you are not living together, you mind is probably consumed with what is he doing, does he really want to work things out? Him not living with you at this time might be a good thing, it will give you time to focus on you (I know this takes effort but it is worthwhile) just think about what you want your next life move to be, make sure to consider your happiness in that decision. Take Care.

Laura November 29, 2011 at 2:58 PM

Hi Jewels. I’ve known stuff was going on for awhile, but have recently confronted by husband who of course is still denying everything.

My background is: Married 12 years, my first—his second, plus he lived with someone for about 15 years. This is the second time we have both been unemployed at the same time in our 12 years of marriage. Both times unemployment for one or both of us has been more than 2 years long. We are broke, and have been struggling financially for most of our marriage.

Even though I’ve suspected emotional infidelity from my husband for the past two years, I now believe it has moved outside the home although he denies it.

I am a web designer, and have to test websites on various platforms. My computer is a Mac, his a PC. He allows me on his computer. Two years ago, he left open a MySpace account he had advertising himself as a single male looking. I was so angry and hurt. All he could say was that he was bored and wouldn’t do it anymore and cancelled the account.

Just yesterday without even being on his computer, I discovered that he started a new MySpace account just a month after deleting the old one. He uses a fake last name, says he’s married, but then added this on his profile page:

Who I’d like to meet:
Someone who enjoys the excitement of a non-committal relationship and intimacy beyond their current situation/relationship (online or for real).

My fault for not taking him to task at the first time I found out. Of course, this put my trust with him at an all time low. Well throughout the past year or more (and prior too) he stays up till 2, 3 or 4am on his computer. He is also very involved with a local organization and travels at times, or goes out to events of which he at times comes home at 2am or later without calling me to let me know when he’ll be home.

I have found recent emails from an old flame (he claims that she’s the one that got away) that were pretty racy. They both state in the emails that they should take their conversations to a private email so that I don’t discover their conversations. This part is pretty new, so I don’t think this is anyone he’s officially hooked up with, but just another link in the chain of deceit.

I took a trip last month for 11 days to visit family, which he was all too excited about. Kept saying how excited he was for me because I haven’t been back in awhile. I think he was excited for himself, having me out of the house for 11 days. When I came home, I found that he had hooked up his video camera on his computer. It’s been dead on a shelf for a year or more. Since I’ve been back, I’ve seen from a distance him pulling up pictures of women, typing to them, and I’ve seen him using the video which he says he hooked up but has never used it. Our computers are in the same room, so when I enter the room, he quickly clicks off windows and hides stuff.

Well I finally had it, and decided to write a long letter so that I would not be too emotional or too angry when I confronted him. Well he thought that he would write me a letter back after reading mine. Of course he just denied everything, said we already knew of the MySpace thing ( he doesn’t know that I know of the second account), and that nothing was happening. I told him about his flame that he’s been writing to. He said yeah, he would have married her if she hadn’t moved away, and that they are not chatting anywhere. Well I pretty much told him that his letter was total BS and that I’m not crazy. I’ve seen what he’s been doing. I said that I didn’t think he was doing anything physical, but I had no trust in him anymore.

Well here’s the kicker. I found a condom in his briefcase that he takes to all his organization meetings. I then confronted him about this. He said he had thought about having an affair, but never did and that it’s been in there for awhile.

I guess I’m at a loss. I don’t believe him and asked him to go to counseling with me. He said he would, but doesn’t think we need it. He said he’d fix what needed to be fixed. I don’t think he can or will.

Am I being too suspicious, or does this sound like full on infidelity?

My bigger issue is that neither one of us can afford to move out. We’re both broke and need every penny that comes in. I’m thinking of moving to another room, which he doesn’t want.

Any thoughts or suggestions on where to go next?

Laura November 29, 2011 at 3:24 PM

Sorry, I meant confronted husband, not confronted by . . .

Jewels from USA December 1, 2011 at 7:00 AM

Hello Laura,

This is just my opinion – it’s full on infidelity. At least in the emotional infidelity sense. The problem more than anything else is the blatant lying. If he put up a page saying he is looking for a non-committal relationship, stays up late chatting and looking at pics at women – and denies everything there is a SERIOUS problem. He is in denial of what he is doing and that is not fair to you. I know it is so frustrating to sit in front of someone, have evidence, and hear them lie. Counseling might help but to be honest with you, the bigger issue is his lying. If he is lying about the website and the chatting and emails, who the heck knows what he is doing when he goes out of town?

Since he is lying or not admitting everything, and you can not afford to leave, here is what I personal would do in your shoes. I would stop talking to him about it, you know what he is doing, he doesn’t admit it. There is no need working with him if he is lying about everything, it’s not worth your time and energy. I would treat him as a roommate since you can not afford to leave. Be short with him, do your work, eat, watch TV, don’t engage with him much. He will sense eventually something is wrong and just tell him that you don’t have time to talk to someone that can not tell you the truth. Now during this time, focus on you not the marriage and think about how you could leave. I know it seems impossible to leave because of the finances, but in time and given enough attention, you will find a way to leave.

Laura December 1, 2011 at 10:06 AM

Thanks Jewel. I constantly second guess myself about leaving him and whether I should work it out. I’ve been in knots for years now—too long I know. The money situation has been long too which is why I’ve just sidelined it for what seems like forever.

He has family coming out for about 11 days a week from now. I decided to suck it up until they’re gone. I’m going to move to the guest bedroom when they leave. I know right now he thinks I’m just going to forget about it even though he knows I’m still looking for counseling. He’s been almost non existent on the computer since I confronted him, so that speaks volumes to me.

I’m going to go to counseling on my own at first. I think I need to talk about the situation without his being there. And then I will try counseling with him. I don’t know how much it will do if he won’t open up and be honest, but I’m willing to try before leaving 100%.

LisaP December 2, 2011 at 10:34 AM

Laura, It’s infidelity!!! Plan and simple! If it’s a secret it’s cheating. My husband did this for almost 5 years with his cell phone and pc. He would hide his phone or change the window on the pc when I entered the room. I confronted him to only have him get defensive about it because he knew he was caught. He had many sex account where he stated he was single or married looking for kinky sex. I asked him if he would like it if I was doing this to him. He said NO but it didn’t stop him. He just thought it was fun. Until it got to the point where he couldn’t stop. He would get up in the middle of the night to go on line to talk to these girls. AshleyMadison was his website of choice. He became addicted to porn and these sites along with alcohol. I knew he never hooked up with any of these girls and that’s why I stayed in my marriage. But the last time I caught him was 7/10/11 and I threated divorce and tried to kick his ass out but he begged me not too. The next day he switched his phone to our family plan and joined to AA groups. These groups have been a God send to us. He understands what he was doing was cheating and against his marriage vows. This group has also help with his sex addition which normally comes with the alcohol addition too. Life is so much better now. But that’s because he finally get it! He was cheating on me.

Laura December 2, 2011 at 9:13 PM

So you found you were able to forgive your husband LisaP?

I’m still in turmoil over whether I can move forward with him after this. I think I need to hear him admit to all of this and also see him do some major work to regain my trust before I can make any decision to stay with him.

LisaP December 2, 2011 at 9:51 PM

Laura don’t get me wrong it took 3 times to do it. Each time I tried I wasn’t truly forgiving him and he knew it. He also didn’t admit he was doing anything wrong so it just fell flat. This time his actions spoke louder than words. So I felt I could do it and mean it. It felt right and freeing of the anger I had all bottled up. There are still times I get mad when he will do or say somthing that will trigger me but I am more prepared than ever and try to let it roll off of me now. But If I can’t I do speak up and ask him in a polite voice to please not do that again. If you can forgive that’s great, if you can’t forgive that’s ok too. It’s you that has to be ok with everything. When it’s comes to counseling just be prepard to have him blame you for his actions and harsh words like: I love you, but I am not in love with you. That cut like a knife and I thought I would never breath again. I never went back to counseling after that session to pain full. He moved out the next week then after three months of living at his mom’s (his parents are in ther 80′s) he came crawling back. Saying he didn’t mean all of those things he said. But I will never forget them, I just bury them deep down in my memories. Some days they try to come up but I push them back down if I am going to keep this marriage going.

MANJIRI December 3, 2011 at 6:09 AM

HI
even i suffered with same cheating. I am married since 2 yrs and mine is arrange marrige. My husband since before marrige was involved sexually and emotionaly in one married female.I am doctor but still cant take divorce

Laura December 3, 2011 at 10:19 AM

@LisaP

I admire you for really being able to work it out. I’m not opposed to trying which is why I haven’t rushed anything or said anything truly hurtful that I can’t take back. I did point blank tell him that I absolutely 100% don’t trust him. I haven’t waivered from that, and I am seeing him change somewhat. But it will take more than deleting some women from Facebook, and not staying up all night on the computer.

@Manjiri, is it a cultural thing that you can’t do a divorce or you feel personally that you can’t divorce? Arranged marriages are truly hard. I’ve known quite a few people that either had parents pushing arranged marriages, or they have already married. Both Male and female partners did not want it, but because it is cultural and tradition, they followed through. I don’t feel really qualified to comment completely on your position, but I do feel for you. Have you ever been able to talk to your husband about it?

In America, we’ve made it too easy to get married and get divorced. People don’t really work at marriage anymore or take it seriously enough. I’ve always felt this way, but here I am . . . contemplating the possibility myself. But I feel that I need to at least try to salvage it. After reading the stories here of infidelity, I understand when someone has to get out of a marriage or go insane.

LYNN December 3, 2011 at 8:03 PM

Hi Jewels:
As most women on this site, I too and truly thankful for a safe place to turn with my thoughts and emotions. I will be reading your e-book over the next few days. I don’t even know where to start with all of this, but who does. Last week my husband came to me saying he thought he should leave for about a month (after what was a small arguement) I wouldn’t even say it was an arguement so of course this took me by surprise because it wasn’t that big of a deal. Anyway of course I was upset and he was saying it was for my benefit and that he would still come to visit and we would go shopping together and things like that. I just didn’t get it, so we continued to talk and he proceeded to tell me he had made a huge mistake and recked everything but he couldn’t tell me until he left. I truly had no idea what was wrong, but it scared me and I was worried for him, he was so upset and looked like he was loosing his mind. I told him no matter what it can’t be that bad and we would work through it together, we’re both spiritual people and I tried to encourage him to keep trusting God and it would be alright. Well after many hours, he finally told me that he met some girl at work ( only 4 days of knowing her) went to go see her after we had fought and waited for her to get off work, proceeded to tell me that he had cheated. I was devestated and so hurt, I had so many questions unlike everyone else has. I loved him so much and I just wanted it all to go away, I told him that if I meant anything to him he needed to make this right. He begged for forgiveness and cried for hours. I still couldn’t understand why it happened to begin with. It surely didn’t have anything to do with our intimate life, that was great. He said she had been trying to pursue him for the whole 4 days he was there and wouldn’t stop…not an excuse for sure and I told him that as well. I can only feel that the attention that was given to him, chalked up to lack of confidence and self esteam for himself to fall prey to something so stupid like that. Well it’s been a week and I have terrible days and good days, I explained to him that I’m not going to feel okay for a while and I need to be able to express my emotions and feelings without feeling bad about it, because when I did, he simply got angry thinking that I was trying to make him feel bad. I told him I needed him to be contious of how I am feeling and understand that he needed to be a little more comforting instead of thinking that it has to do with him. Well now I find myself completely angered. My husband picked me up from work last night, I was somber, had a little bit of a rough day at work, so when he asked why I had an attitude(yes not, whats wrong honey) I said it’s just been a hard day, he then proceeded to say he had a hard day too. Of course after going through all of this all he could think about was himself again, and I said why did you ask me if you really didn’t care. He then threw a fit saying I changed my attitude when I saw him (guilt) is what I was hearing. Everything exploded from there, I screamed and yelled and was so pissed off that he just didn’t care about how I was feeling and everything came out. I told him I was pissed and hurt and he didn’t care about how I felt. He said so many things that my mind at this point can’t even comprehend. The worst was saying it was my fault, calling me names and saying I’ll do it again, over and over. We got home and continued our big blow out and in the end I’m so angry that he actually would try and blame me for his stupidness and not take responsibility for how he’s made someone feel, gets on the phone with his friend and carry’s on converstations laughing like everything was no big deal. I wrote him a letter today telling him that he didn’t make my life before him and through all of what we’ve been through I’ve stood behind him in too many ways to even talk about without having to write a novel and said that I refuse to be torn down by someone who feels so insecure about himself. I feel sad, hurt and disappointed along with every other feeling I can think of. I know that it is not me that would need to make a change in our marriage but at the same time I am trying tokeep my head above water. SO many emotions and feelings of betrayal flood my mind and I just want to feel like I have control of my life. The worst part is, he says he will leave but hasn’t , so I took it upon myself to set up our spare room. I just wish that he would leave, in honestly even if he said he wanted to work it out, I feel like he has to work out so many issues in his own life, more so then just the cheating. He needs to work on him and figure out why he feels so unhappy with his life that he continues to hurt people by his actions, otherwise nothing will ever change, I feel like it’s more then just the cheating at this point, he is all around abusive and I’m coming to find out that I’ ve lost myself along the way. It’s truly painful to be in love with someone and give all of your love to have them treat it as though it’s a pennie on the street and you could do without it. I find myself wanting so many answers……….

LisaP December 3, 2011 at 10:29 PM

Lynn, Hang in there…..THIS IS NOT YOU FAULT! The men always try to blame us for their wrong donings! You didn’t push him into that OW arms he gladly drove over to her. His decision, not yours! He needs to look at it from your side and he won’t be able to until he confronts what he did! For the next month or longer you will have many mood swings and if he can’t handle it then tell him to leave! If he wants to work it out then he needs to prove himself worth keeping. You do not need to make a decision right away! Start writing a journal of your thoughts and fears and hopes. I just email myself daily and file it in a folder named “FILE IT” with my other seperated emails. This gives it a place to go and I can always call back on my thoughts if I need too. No one can get to these files but me. It will help. Men only think of themselfs when they are in the middle of a crisis, that is just how they are. No one around them matters. keep us post on whats going on maybe we can help.

LYNN December 3, 2011 at 11:26 PM

Hi Lisa,

Thank you for your reassuring words. I’m so angry right now, and yes it’s exactly what he is doing, only thinking of himself and acting as if he has every right to be mean and nasty to me like I’ve done something wrong. Is it so wrong to be hurt and angry and full of pain and never be able to express that??!. I want him to leave so badly, but it’s like he feels like he’s got some right as to what he will do or not do. I told him tonight to just stop being so nasty and if not he’s got to find somewhere else to stay. Of course that’s a big explosion too, him saying to me that he will do whatever he wants. I said there is no way I’m going to support him while he finds his own place (it’s been mainly me) for months pulling the bills together while he takes what little pay he gets and sends most of the money back home, leaving us always short. I feel used!! and how dare he think that I’m worth nothing to continue making me feel like crap and then say he’s going to stay and get ahead so he can go and live his life. Even through our arguments I’ve always maintained love for him, still cooking and cleaning, making lunches and dinners even if he did say I’m not hungry or I’ll get it myself, acting like a child. Well tonight cut the cake, while he decided to cook the last of our meals and leave absolutely nothing for me….I feel like I just want to die!! I don’t deserve this after everything that I’ve sacraficed for us……

Lisa December 4, 2011 at 7:58 PM

Thank you for this site. I’m having a very tough time because my husband of 3 years, who is 45 years old and just cheated with a beautiful 19 year old girl for a month and a half while still calling me his soul mate and one and only (not to be conceited, but I am a beautiful and extremely young looking 43 year old!), is horribly sorry, started going to counseling, 12 step meetings for love addiction, tells me I did everything right, I was perfect, our life was perfect, and he is to blame for all of this, yet for our entire relationship, he has lied to me about various contacts with women (I never found positive evidence of physical cheating until this last time…facebook messages he missed deleting). He’s apologized many times in the past, promised to never do it again, and would be speaking to these women again within days. Much of it just chit chat and very occassional about meaningless things, flirtatious, but not overtly sexual. I always gave him that chance saying “next time, it’s over…you need to know that.” We have no children, but do have a lovely home, and I thought, a mostly lovely life except for his neglecting me for his work or hobbies too much. My problem is that it’s just too late…after what we’ve already been through, I can’t get over this. I’m done living with the anguish and wondering when the shoe is going to drop again. I spent a lot of our relationship thinking “I” was the crazy one for always having suspicions and wanting to snoop through his stuff. I tried to hide it, I was so tortured thinking I had terrible trust issues that were “my” insecurity. Turns out my gut feelings were always right on, I had a right to be suspicious! But now, I’m actually feeling guilty for breaking it off with him! He had sex with a teenager, came home and made love to me, lied when I asked if we could talk about what might be up (I had a very strong gut feeling from the beginning something was happening…) and I am feeling bad for him?? What is wrong with me?? I just started seeing a counselour who is great (actually, we went to this counselour 3 years back when I discovered him having boundary crossing emails with others), but it’s only been a week and I’m still in shock that “this is it”. My life is changed, my relationship is over. And I can’t face it. I can’t face the change. Why am I caring so much about his feelings over mine? I have been destroyed this past week by his behavior. We both have. It didn’t really even blindside me, my first thought when I found out was “I knew this day would come eventually”. We are both sobbing, not eating, having an impossible time at work. I realize I am co-dependent, but I feel so bad about the heartache he is going through and his obvious anguish over losing me, and finally admitting he has a real problem with love/romance addiction that I am walking on egg shells about talking about moving out because I can’t bear to go through his anguish, sorrow, and pleading right now. I’m barely holding it together emotionally, how can I carry him too? We are living in separate bedrooms, and interact, but don’t “hang out” anymore. He comes in to check on me in my “room” where I basically hide out and tells me that he loves me. He knows he messed up bad. I have told him there is absolutely no chance for us, and never to think that there is one, no matter how nice I may “seem” at times. I think he finally gets this, and I have told the counselour (we are using the same one) to reiterate that as well. He is a shell of the man he usually is. Such a rollercoaster. I wake up furious some days, lambast him with questions and the anger and hurt of my betrayal and 30 minutes later, things feel normal. Then an hour later, I’m just staring out the window, completely depressed, lost, and devestated. I realize how neglected I’ve truly allowed myself to be in this relationship…his work and needs always came first. I don’t even know what mine are. This is so messed up…I am completely destroyed, and know this relationship can no longer be good for either of us, yet I’m still worrying about him. I truly believe he loves me, but he’s able to compartmentalize so easily, that I can definitely see him doing this again. I would fully expect it to happen within months, once he gets over this initial pain and thinks things are “back to normal” UGH. I want to move, yet I’m not really ready either. It took me so many years of my life to find this guy, and this life, why can’t I grasp that he’s not the guy I made him out to be in my head?

Lisa December 4, 2011 at 8:24 PM

Actually, I am in denial. I did find evidence of physical cheating in the past, I just believed his lies about what it was. What do you do when you have one of those self-reflecting guys that DOES take responsibility for his actions when caught (key words…when caught, lol) and does not blame you, doesn’t necessarily “seek out” the other women, but responds when they go after him, travels for work extensively, but you know him well enough to know his personality is thrill seeking and no amount of counseling will make him stop needing this contact with other women? I guess you get rid of him…but I think it would be much easier if he was just a douchebag and told me it was my fault, to be frank.

Jewels from USA December 4, 2011 at 9:51 PM

Hello Lynn,

Welcome to the site. One of the lowest moment for me was when I found out, I was so distraught that I could not go to work the next day. So I am sitting there at home, miserable, and he goes out biking with his friend like nothing happened. I felt so stupid, so unwanted, like he didn’t care that I was completely distraught – so I know what you mean when you heard him laughing and talking like nothing happened. The first key in repairing a marriage after an affair is accountability. He has to be at the point where he takes accountability for his actions in order to have a fighting chance. Him blaming you is a reflection of him not facing his own issues and trying to push it onto you, I know that all too well, my husband did the same thing. He can threaten all those things, but he probably won’t leave. Not cool that he is saying he will do it again over and over, that is not the line you want to say after you just got caught cheating. It seems like you already discovered something very valuable in the process, and that is that you have lost yourself, and that is super important because once you realize it, you have the power to find yourself. And finding yourself is a beautiful process, it’s all about discovering what makes you smile, what experiences you want to have, and putting yourself in a position to execute on those things. Really focus on that, because what you will find is the more you truly start focusing inward, and valuing how you feel, your need to find all those answers from him will go away, it won’t be needed anymore because you would of found the answers within yourself already. You can not force him to care of show emotion in the way that you do, I tried to force my husband to see how much he hurt me for months, and nothing worked. But when I let go of the need to control it, that is when he opened up more. Take Care, I wish you the best.

Jewels from USA December 4, 2011 at 9:57 PM

Hello Manjiri,

I have talked to several women who have arranged marriages, and it’s a tough situation because of the expectations within the family. I would like to know more. Is he cheating on you with the married female he was involved with before you? Does he know that you know?

Jewels from USA December 4, 2011 at 10:18 PM

Hello Lisa,

Welcome to the site. You are so not going crazy for thinking about his needs. Let me tell you, it took months of me working on myself to stop putting his needs first. I know exactly what you mean, for me, it’s almost as if I saw my husband as the weak one and me the strong one. So even though I was devastated, there was a big part of me that would say ‘I don’t know if he can handle it if I leave’ ‘how is he going to take care of himself’ ‘is he going to be ok’. Totally neglecting my needs because I said I will be ok, but when I really got alone, I was scared to death of leaving, and I pushed those feelings to the back burner in order to ‘help him’. So you are not crazy in that thought, I went through it as well. And it comes from the foundation of the marriage being about his needs first, my needs second. So when that mentality is the basis of the marriage, cheating does not change that.

I know what you are saying that it would be easier if he blamed you or did something so bad that would force you to say, that’s it, it’s unacceptable. But in all honesty, he did cheat. And if it was the first time he did it, then I would respond differently. But it appears that he has been doing some very flirtatious things throughout the marriage and that you have had enough.

So what I will tell you is that you have to realize that your needs are important, your feelings are important, and you have to fill your cup up first before thinking about anyone else’s. You have to tell yourself that constantly. And take some time to be alone and think about why those thoughts keep coming up. I spent alot of time alone asking myself why am I feeling this way?

Lastly, I will tell you what someone told me that helped. HE WILL BE OK. He was living and breathing before you, and guess what, he will be living and breathing after you. That statement helped me so much in letting go of the need to put him first.

Second Lastly lol, it’s interesting that you are in joint counseling, even though in your writing it appears that you are done. Regardless of weather or not you stay together, I think that you might benefit from talking to a counselor that is not the same as your husband’s. Someone that can look at your situation and be totally focused on what is best for you. Just a suggestion.

Thanks for being so candid about how you feel, it’s only been a week so you are going to go through some major roller coasters of emotions in the weeks that follow, but you will make it through.

Lisa December 4, 2011 at 11:08 PM

Hi Jewels,
Thanks for your very caring words and for taking so much of your time helping people who have gone through this. I don’t know how you do it! I just typed a response, and my delete key got stuck and erased it all. So, I’ll just say thank you so much for understanding and helping. It has done wonders just to realize I am not alone or completely crazy, or weak, or stupid for sometimes feeling like I want to console the man who just took my marriage, my home, my love, my security away from me with his repeated, selfish actions. And only a few hundred feet away from were I was working at the time (I work near her apartment). My mom would have done bodily harm and made him regret being born, lol. My needs in a relationship are something I will be working on in counseling, to be sure. For the record, we had been in joint counseling for a single session over catching him deleting emails again before the counselour gave me permission to check his emails as a way of regaining trust…and I discovered the ones he missed out of his delete folder, which let me know all I needed to know. Dumb a**. Now, I am seeing my counselour individually, and the husband has also decided to see him individually because he has finally realized he actually has a compulsion problem that just cost him everything. Hopefully he will get that help for the future, whomever that is with. Thanks.

Jewels from USA December 6, 2011 at 10:48 PM

Thanks Lisa for the kind words, you are so welcome. I appreciate you taking the time to write this, especially after having your response deleted prior to the new message (that is so frustrating when that happens!). Take Care.

diana s. December 15, 2011 at 6:13 PM

My husbaand and i have been married for 6yrs.We have 2 daughters together and i have 2 sons from a past relationship.well 1yr. ago in oct.2010 i found out he cheat on me with an transexual.the way i found out was this thing was calling my cell he was using for work.at the this thing was calling was when we were moving to our home.it killed me to find out.i was soooo blind.i think i had a idea but didnt want to believe it.i thought my marriage was soooo strong and solid but obviously wasnt.wen i decied to hear his of the story my heart literaly droped…i wanted to die.he beged me not to leave…and i didnt.but this day i still dnt trust him…but dnt get me wrong i do love but thats not y i stayed…apart of me thinks we can still make it but i still have my doughts.somethimes i do think he will do it again….cuz he says everytime he goes out he prays to god so he doesnt have temptations…and to think it all started with a stupid fantasy…thats wut he calls it.So till this date i cant cope need help.

Jewels from USA December 19, 2011 at 12:40 AM

Hello Diana,

It’s hurtful to find out your husband betrayed you, with another woman, a thing/transsexual, or another man. It seems like he is dealing with some emotions that are tempting him. Is he in a position to get therapy or would he not feel comfortable talking about it. For him to say that he prays every time he goes out would leave me a little suspicious as well. It’s good that he is so open about these temptations (most men would not admit this), but at the same time he has to understand and deal with this at a deeper level so that you and him can heal. You have 4 kids to raise, which is a huge responsibility, I know you probably don’t take out much time for Diana but you have to make your healing a priority as well. It’s important to focus on that aspect because if you don’t, another year from now you will be in the same state so in order to prevent that, you have to make time to focus on what you are feeling and how that is impacting you.

leilani January 3, 2012 at 8:55 AM

I also have been cheated on while pregnant I was seperated from my husband since we’re both in the military he had pcsd before I did and we were to meet up in fort Stewart when we finally did during my 8 month of pregnancy we made love without me knowing his affair two months later our daughter was born emergency c-section the day after I brought her home the doctor I had seen the week before had called me with the news of an STD my heart was in my throught I had fought so hard to be here with him and he cheats on me I’m currently going to marriage therapy with him and the only question I have to ask is how do u get over the pain I’ve tried just about everything I love my husband I don’t know the man he’s becoming but I don’t wanna give up when it gets hard I’ve never been a quitter how do I save my marriage without blaiming him for the constant pain I feel

Sarah from FL January 4, 2012 at 10:45 AM

Hello, I just found this website and am very surprised that so many of the stories I have seen are the way that I am feeling. I had no idea there were support sites like this.
My husband of 7 yrs has been cheating on me. I found out when I got the PW to his phone and found his internet history to 2 dating websites (Ashley Madison). He had profiles with his pics saying he was looking for a good time and to have a “discreet relationship”. When I went home I then searched and found condoms that were not meant for me, All were in the box but still…anyways I had been hurting because he was so mean and hurtful in the last year I was already so miserable and it’s like I could just FEEL him cheating on me.I was constantly devoting my life to our home and 3 children while he was never home and out till all hours “working”. I confronted him with my proof and he had admitted to me that he had been going to the clubs and dancing sometimes kissing/making out with other women, then when he just recently went out of state on a business trip he was doing the same thing then actually ended up going home with one of the woman and spending the night. He admitted to almost having sex with this woman but, the SHE decided to stop it from going further. But he would have done it. He stayed with her and held her all night.He even went to hang out with her afterwards before coming back home… He was coming home to me…into my bed, after being this cheater I cant explain the hurt. I’m a Christian woman who married a man with the same morals as me…I feel so betrayed its unexplainable. I love him so much but I cant look at his lips, his hands…anything that I love and want without remembering they are not MINE anymore….they have been other places….WANTED to be other places.
He says he’s sorry and wants it to work that he’s disgusted with his behavior but , I cant help feeling like I cant be in this anymore…it has only been a month but Its not enough for me to be okay right now. I love him so much but I feel like I’m dying inside. I look forward to searching the rest of this website to help find ways to get myself out of this..depression. I cannot tell my family at all I have to constantly pretend…pretend that my family of 5 is still so happy and perfect….We have done a good job at keeping this from our children all under 8 ….but I cant decide if sacrificing myself and sanity so that my children can have both their parents or being without the man I love when marriage means so much to me is the better choice… for the time being I see no light at the end of this tunnel.

Bebe January 4, 2012 at 11:20 AM

Sarah from FL,

I felt the same way too, all of our stories are different in their own ways. But the way we feel because of our husband’s action is all the same. You just recently found out so your feelings is like a roller coaster. I couldn’t eat and lost 10 pounds in a week. I felt like my mind was going crazy and I couldn’t do anything, not even bathing my kids. But thank god my sister was here because she did all of that for me. Try to maintain and try to be strong! Your kids need a strong mother. Believe me when I say that if not now than later your kids will get that vibe that something isn’t right with mom.

I am the same as you. I value marriage and my morals, but it sucks that our husband didn’t. I mean how selfish can these men be at times? My husband also “worked” long hours coming home at unusual times. But I never question him because I trusted him 100%. Plus, he’s a military personnel so the hours are always different.

But all I am saying is stay strong!!! Take it one day at a time and don’t try to understand why he would do this to you. Focus more on yourself at this time and try to sort your thoughts out. Take care and I hope things will get better soon for you!

Georgia January 4, 2012 at 1:17 PM

Sarah,
I am recent to this site as well, but have known about the cheating for 2 1/2 years. Everything you are feeling sounds so familiar. Time will lessen everything but it will always be there. I have never told my family, only my closest friend and only her because her first husband cheated. Take time, all the time you need. Ask him whatever you need to and hope he will talk back to you. Only you can decide where to go from here. Time, it is so long but so forgiving, really. I still have triggers and days where things are up side down, but they are fewer. I am still trying to deal and also am grateful for this site…just wish I had found it long ago. Good luck and know we all feel for and with you.

Sarah January 4, 2012 at 7:29 PM

Thank you so much for your responses! It’s very nice to know other women going through the same things…. your words are both comforting and touching. :)

Jewels from USA January 4, 2012 at 10:52 PM

Leilani - Welcome to the site. What you asked is the most popular question – how do I make the pain go away. There is no easy answer. For me, even though me and my husband are not together, I do not have pain towards him anymore. And it took me over a year to get to that point. It look a ton or self-reflection and asking myself, what am I feeling, and why am I feeling that way. Keep asking why, take time to focus on you, and your needs. Are you in individual therapy as well to deal with the pain and anger? If you want to work things out with your husband, you have to work on yourself. How are you dealing with him giving you an STD, do you still have anger associated with that? You mention you don’t know the man he is becoming. So don’t be so hard on yourself, it’s a long journey to get rid of the pain, but if you keep working on yourself, get some time alone and keep asking questions, eventually, you will find the answers you need to release some of that pain.

Sarah – In my opinion, you just described why this is the most difficult situation to deal with in a marriage. The number one reminder of the hurtful, painful, affair is your husband. I use to feel the same way you do, and I was able to get out of all of those painful emotions, but it took time. I will tell you one thing i learned. I had wrapped my self-esteem around my husband. He was my source for self-worth, and it never should of been that way. Once I found out, I became so depressed and part of it was that HUGE gap now in self-worth because I depended on him for that. I say that to say you might have the same issue as well, which means that you have to treat the recovery of you, you self-worth, treating yourself, and building your confidence with the same importance that you put on working on your marriage, both are important journeys. You will get through this, take care.

Sarah from FL from [email protected] January 6, 2012 at 3:46 PM

Thank you Jewels for your response. I have put much of my “self-worth” around my husband, you are right..I am having a very difficult time right now with this…I have gotten to the point where I told him I wanted a divorce. He is very much against this and I know that he loves me but I do not think it is enough. I have always told him that it was something I would not be able to deal with..he knew it was a deal breaker.Confusion still takes over right now. My marriage was something so sacred no matter how miserable, angry or hurt by him I have NEVER thought about cheating on him. Loving him so much is what’s hurting me the most…well, his cheating lifestyle is what hurt me. There was no ‘affair’ just the random girl at the club that was sexy enough. I was amazed at how you e-book had SO MUCH understanding. It was nice to know I am not crazy! :) I would read it and say oh my goodness…”i did that too!” or “that’s how I feel!” the level of understanding was amazing, it seriously had me in tears in so many parts I def know that I am still in part of the devastation period.I thank you so much for allowing me to know that this is all normal. That this IS what a cheating husband does to you as a wife. It let me see that after all this something good CAN come from it ,like how you are encouraging so many women! Cheers to a better life! ;)

CJ January 7, 2012 at 8:18 PM

Hello ladies,
It’s been a while since I last posted, but I have been reading all of your posts and I’m so amazed that I know EXACTLY how you all feel. My husband of 26 years cheated by going on-line to one of those match sites to find someone just to have sex with. I found out in October and since he works in another city, we are pretty much separated. We spent the holidays together with our children and it was obvious that things will never be the same between us. I told him this week that I want to start divorce proceedings. He was shocked to say the least. It was a couple of days before I talked to him after that and surprisingly, it didn’t bother me all that much to not hear from him. But… I keep second guessing myself, because I don’t know that finances will be such that I can live on my own. He told me that he would help me with that, would pay rent, etc. Strangely, I believe him when he says that because he has always managed to provide for us. This back and forth emotional roller coaster is driving me crazy. The anger keeps creeping in when I think about him conciously making the decision to seek someone for sex with the excuse that I didn’t provide what he needed. What about what I need??? I could forgive the first time that it happened years ago, because it was offered to him on a daily basis. But this time, he has proven untrustworthy and that’s a big blow to me. I’m just so tired of this whole mess my life has become. I’m so glad to have found this blog. It helps to know there are others that unfortuately know exactly how I’m feeling.

Jewels from USA January 13, 2012 at 12:45 AM

Hello CJ,

Good to hear from you. Yes is is amazing how universal the pain is after finding out. You can be 20 or 60, live in Asia or the UK, the pain is universal. Men’s reaction’s are not the same, but they definitely can be grouped together.

It seems like you are planning to leave, but afraid of the impact. I am not sure where you are located but you might be able to talk to a divorce lawyer and get an understanding of how much you will get. I am sure you will be fine. Sex is a common reason for cheating, but you are right, I am sure all of us ladies has sexual needs that could of been better, but we didn’t run out and cheat, so that is not an excuse! Take Care, keep me posted!

Di from usa January 13, 2012 at 9:43 AM

I was married to my husband for 33 years and have children and grandchildren. My husband left or I should say I also kicked him out. He is now living with his mistress and has no remorse. He still has control of some things in my life, we are not legally or divorced and has been almost two years. All I always hear is I love you but I am not in love with you. What a a**, I gave this man 35 years of my life and he cheated on me and said I threw him away years ago. I do not blame him for it all I blame myself , I feel I shut down years ago. Maybe I knew and did not want to face it. I have always loved this man since I was 18 and he let me down!!!!!!!! I have been trying so hard to let go of him but I do not know why I can’t. I have moved far away from everything I love to get my life back in so many ways. How could he throw me away like that, stupid me.

LisaP January 13, 2012 at 10:47 AM

Di, that is how all of us feel or felt at that time of finding out or moving on. It just plain sucks that they try to blame us for everything when they are to blame for the cheating. If life was so bad during our marriages then talk about separtion becfore the cheating. They would rather deal with their own feelings than deal with us even if it is to end the marriage. I wish my H would have had the balls to tell me he was unhappy before the affair than after. I could have made a better decision about us without all the anger and pain. I wish men could be men and take the upper road instead of the lower one when getting out of a marriage. Don’t blame yourself for his cheating ways, you didn’t push him into the OW arms he gladdly walked there himself. NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!! It’s hard to let go because we have all those memories of happier times and faimly moments and change is scary as all HELL! But change is also a good thing. Think of yourself and indulge yourself in things you want to do or never did because he wouldn’t let you. You are free to do things for you!

Jewels from USA January 14, 2012 at 7:57 PM

Hello Di,

We are going to have to do some work on wording :). First things first, you wrote ‘I do not blame him for it all I blame myself’. Yes, you shut down. We all have shut down in our lives, it’s not possible to be human and be perfect. So I get that after 35 years of marriage a couple of years you shut down. And I can see how you can accept how you shutting down hurt or impacted your husband. But when you shut down, that doesn’t give your husband a ‘Cheat for free’ card – no no no. He could of talked to you, got counseling, there are tons of options, he chose to cheat. Let me repeat – he choose to cheat, has nothing to do with you. He used you shutting down as a reason to cheat, but at the end of the day, you can not make another person lie and go have sex with another person, he has to take accountability for his actions.

Stupid me – why do you feel that way? Just because the last years were not great does not discount the 35 years you were together. The good times you had with him are still there. Instead of saying stupid me, say that, the man I married 35 years ago has changed.

I think you are having a hard time because you are too hard on yourself, beating yourself up for things you did not do. You will be able to let go once you value yourself and your feelings more than you value your husbands. Take Care!

Lydia January 21, 2012 at 3:24 AM

I just found out 5 days ago that my husband has been cheating online for years. He says it started 2008, but I’ve found evidence that it started 2006. He’s a member of several sexsites, has exchanged pictures with other women , has exchanged emails and they’ve written fantasies to each other, he’s sex-chatted with these women through msn messenger and has even had cyber sex with them. He “claims” that he’s “only” had sexchat with around 50, and cam sex with 6.
2008 was a tough time for both of us career wise, 2009 I got pregnant for the first time in my life and lost my baby 5 months into my pregnancy. Needless to say that I was in mourning and depressed and we went to counseling together. I thought that I was so lucky to have such a supportive husband. Throughout 2010 we talked, took a vacation together and had a great time and tried to have another baby. Throughout all this, he cheated (sexting, websites, cam 2 cam). He even made a video of himself when I was about to have my babyshower. 2011 I’ve since finally had my beautiful baby. Well, he even cheated then with another woman only waiting mere weeks after I gave birth. It happened while my baby and I were asleep in bed together and he was down stairs. I almost died having my baby! I bleed out and lost a lot of blood. I was so tired, anemic and drained.
It devestates me that he could betray me, us (my child and I), so deeply and during moments when I needed him the most. He admits that if I hadn’t caught him, he’d most likely would have continued but now he sees what he has and doesn’t want to lose it. I told him I think that’s the overwhelming popular statement of all cheating husbands, at least those that feel guilty about it.
I feel like I never knew him and never had him. I am so scared because he works with computers for a living and there’s no way for me to stay one step ahead of him. His temptation will face him everyday. I feel like no matter what the situation: sorrow, happiness, parenthood, he’ll cheat. Nothing is sacred to him, it’s so scary. I thought we were so happy. I thought I was so lucky to have him in my life. I feel like such a fool and have such low self-esteem right now. On top of all this, it has greatly affected my milk production. I am ashamed to say that I have even had sex with him since. He is going to start going through couseling on Monday, but I did it because A) He claims stress is his trigger, and I’m afraid he’ll stray, B) I am in such need of comfort and I feel so alone (We are from different countires, I moved here for him), C) I wanted to show him how it could’ve been. I’ve since stopped this self-destructive behaviour.
I feel so lost and alone. Please help? I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff.

JB January 21, 2012 at 11:18 AM

Lydia, I am so happy for you and your beautiful baby- cherrish these moments-my babies are now teenagers and you will blink and they will be grown- so don’t let his on-line affairs take that from you and your baby. First of all, you are not crazy, not going insane, you are in shock my friend. All of us here have gone through this, and it is hard and painful to say the least. You are in a very fragile state right now just having a baby and so you have all those new mom emotions also. You MUST take care of YOU! Your baby depends on you and that has to be your focus right now. Jewels, the woman who started this blog has a free e-book that might help- you should download it. She too was pregnant when her husband cheated, and she survived – and so will you. We all have those same thougths, daily temptations, will they do it again, why did they do such a thing, weren’t we good enough, etc… The answers are Yes, we were good enough- our husbands made very poor choices and couldn’t contain themselves when it comes to sex. Yes, we know our husbands- just not this dark secret side of them that led them down a path of self-destruction. Will they do it again? Well, some will and some won’t– it just depends on if they are willing to get help- if they truly feel remorse- and if they are willing to be completely open and honest with themselves and with us. I know you feel like you are on the edge of a cliff, but instead of a cliff- think of it as a mountain- a turning point in your life– the other side of the mountian is full of new discoveries – if you are willing and open to it- recovery from this experience will teach you so much about yourself, your inner strength, and your marriage. You can’t do this work for your husband- he has to do it for himself- you can’t force him to seek help- if he truly wants to save your marriage he will do it- I promise– but HE has to do it. My husband had a full blown affair with a friends wife— you said you felt hurt just being in the same house while he was doing this on the computer. So normal- how could you be so blind to it all? Well, how about having to deal with them having sex in YOUR bed!– many times. All of us here have stories, all different, but all the same- we were all betrayed and all have broken hearts– I say this to help you realize that you are not alone- you are not lost– we are all here for you–get it out– these emotions are causing you too much stress- your body is telling you this (your breast milk)– get it all out–scream- yell- type whatever it takes– we all know– and lean on us- we truly understand. My advice to you is to focus on YOU! What do you want? not necessarily with your husband but as a woman and now a mom. What do you want for you? What are your needs? What makes you feel good about yourself? Go out and do something for you! Give yourself that much needed ego boost. Get a haircut, exercise, go to a book club, meet new friends, etc.. whatever you desire. As you start to put yourself first , you will find the strength to start healing your broken heart- and if your husband does his part -you both will be able to come back together and heal your marriage. We all love our husbands, we all thought we were married to the right guy- and we all thought we were happy. You have to remmember that he was trying to fullfill something that was missing in his life or cover up something that he doesn’t want to deal with(and honestly he probably doesn’t know what made him do this-he doesn’t have those answers for you right now– I know it took my husband months of therapy to start finding his answers)- most likely it has nothing what-so-ever to do with you. For some reason he got a sense of temporary relief from these fantansy computer encounters –temporary I stress–because he continued (just like my husband) and fantasy- because it wasn’t reality– it was pure fantasy. When you caught him, he was slapped with reality again, and he realized that he was about to loose it all. The stronger you become and the more you put your and your babys needs first, the more he will realize that his stupid, immature, and self-centered behavior has put him in a big hole- the only way for him to get out is for him to work on himself so he can figure out why he needed something like that in the first place. You want to be his partner, wife, and lover– not his babysitter. Don’t beat yourself up for your feelings of not seeing this either- they are all very good liars and great at secrets– again part of that fantasy they tried to escape to-lots of bad energy is put into keeping affairs alive. Affairs hurt – plain and simple. I want you to know that there is hope. My marriage did survive my husbands affair- as did many others here. We also are still in therapy together and individually. Even after 30 years together, I can now say… I truly know the man that my husband is and I know he is worthy of my love. It is HARD work for everyone involved, but if you both want it – you can have it all. A open, honest, trust worthy partnership with your best friend and lover. It can happen! For now, find you again- you are a strong woman- and you know you can make it through a crisis- you have done it before– this time don’t rely on him to make it ok for you- find that power within yourself. Reach out when you need us- stay strong Lydia you are worthy of having it all. Peace and Blessings

Lydia January 23, 2012 at 5:04 AM

Thank you JB.
I’ve taken your support and words of wisdom/advice to heart and have decided to focus my mind on my baby and on what I want for myself and our child. Ultimately, I am not sure if I’ll ever trust him again and if I find that I can’t, I will end it. I don’t want my baby growing up in a household of mistrust and hidden lies. That’s where I am at right now. I haven’t decided anything. I’m waiting until we start counseling together to see where it goes. I still feel like I’m swinging on an emotional pendulum. I need to gather my strength.
Thank you.

Beth January 24, 2012 at 9:21 PM

I have read a lot of these stories and what the heck is wrong with these guys and the ” ladies” who help them do this. My husband moved out on x-mas day. took the bed and left me with 2 kids, a mortgage, car payment and day care. I’m under-employed at best and then after he’s crying to me that this is so hard for him too- I find he’s cheating on me with the girlfriend he was seeing when he met me 6 + years ago.. Maybe it’s been going on the whole time. This isn’t the worse part. After I found out and confronted him and yelled at him- he tried to have me arrested. Had the cops come with court orders to take mt 4 year old daughter with him away. Had restraining orders and domestic violence orders put against me. I have had to go to court with a lawyer to fight the charges and have the police reports to prove that I was in the clear and all of it was dropped. After spending how huch in lawyers fees and time and the horror my kids had to go through when the police were screaming they were going to kick my door in to get her away… Sorry for the run on sentence.. If only he left anything valuable I could burn in a small voodoo fire of some sort.. He is still trying to fight me in court and won’t pay chid support. He insists on having his mother ” facilitate the transfer” of our daughter. I’m guessing because the drunk bum can’t look me in the eye yet- guilty..He had the tramp in court to testify against me ( never got that far) and she filed a motion to get off the case because she ” never had a relationship while we were married” ; he dummy- we’re still married- only filed for divorce last week.. duh…He will only meet me at the police station because he must still be scared for his life- he is 6’2″ 220 lb construction worker harley rider and I’m 5’2 130 lb stay at home mom.. The most I’ve ever threatened him with is my lawyer.. All in the courts hands now.. Someday when the court stuff is over I will still think he is a crappy man and dad. even though it hasnt been going well in the marriage- mostly his drinking – I had hope.. Sometimes when its over its over.. I’ll be waiting for Karma to come around….

LisaP January 25, 2012 at 11:42 AM

Beth, Karma will come around to both of them. What a horrible man! Try to keep your cool about everything you do and always record all conversations with him. That way you are protecting yourself and your kids. Life will be hard for awhile and I am sure you can get help from a shelter or church. The voodoo fire is something I too thought of and wished I did some type of physica damage to his things but I thought he would hold it against me in court if we ever went that far. (we never did). Judge will look at the size difference and say really your afraid of her! Lets hope the court see your side of all this and make the right decision.

Jewels from USA January 25, 2012 at 11:59 PM

Hello Beth,

Yes, I am not sure what is going on. To not only put your through and affair, but a fiasco with police and lawyers, geez. Maybe he is going this to divert the attention away from the cheating, so he is creating drama elsewhere. Had the OW try to testify in court – ahhh!! I just hope that one day he comes to his sense and acts more reasonable. I am glad that nothing happened with your daughter, and I hope for your sake that the issues with lawyers and charges get taken care of soon, I know you have to dish out some good money to resolve all of this. Take Care.

Sarah from USA January 26, 2012 at 7:45 AM

Beth– Trust this…things will crack eventually, and he’ll reveal his true colors, all by himself, especially if he is drinking, and others (judges included) will soon see it. Family court judges have seen it all and heard every story, including the things your husband has done. Court is pressure-filled, and people crack easily and reveal all sorts of things unintentionally. If it’s hard on you, it’s way harder on him, when he’s trying to cover his tracks. It sounds as if he’s had a long time to think about how to deal with your discovery of his affair and has created a strategy to focus blame on you. My ex also got his girlfriend to jump on his blame-game against me. I know it’s frustrating! The hardest part about this will be balancing your shock and anger while remaining clear-headed as you move forward. What helped me the most was finding friends who had seen my ex’s behavior firsthand, had seen him with other women, and who BELIEVED me and backed me up. Find your supporters first. Be with the people who will be willing to speak up for you. You don’t need “friends” right now who “don’t want to get involved”. If you can focus enough, do searches to find out if he has any drunk driving charges, any legal proceedings against him, and keep them for your court records. People who are addicted to alcohol/substances have LOADS of secrets. A little ferreting can reveal a lot, and while it might be unpleasant at first, it can be very empowering. Any information that you can get yourself will save you attorney money and help your cause. Make sure it’s documented on paper for the judge to see. Keep a log, starting today, of everything he does when he contacts you. Sending you big hugs!!

michella January 30, 2012 at 8:52 AM

i have been married to my husband for nearly two years and have two babies together, recently found out he slept with a girl a few times an got her pregnant (she lost the baby), i am still with him but the relationship does not fell the same, i am confused and dont know whether to stay with hm or let him go. also i found texts and online chats from other girls too and just want to know is he worth the hassle. please help me

Jewels from USA February 2, 2012 at 9:19 PM

Hello Michella,

It’s hard to tell if he is work staying, that is the million dollar question. The affair impacts too many core dimensions of the realtionship for you to look at him in the same way as before. If you found texts from other girls, that means his cheating was not just a fluke, he was probably pursuing women. In order for you to work, he has to find it within himself to determine why he felt the need to engage with several women outside of the marriage. If he does not do the work on himself (with therapy or self-work) then history sometimes repeats itself (not saying it will happen but it could happen). Watch his actions, watch how he engages with you, his actions are going to tell you if it is worth staying. Just take a step back and observe for the next couple of weeks, he will show you the answer.

Iamtrying from USA February 6, 2012 at 4:13 AM

It has been 28 months since I found out my husband was cheating on me with what he called a “HO” and paid for sex everytime for 26 months…..WE will be married 9 years this year. I am finally getting my head back on; but ladies..it takes 2 years to recover (not that you ever do); but to move on…I stayed because I do love him; kids and money..that is the truth..

Whitney from USA February 8, 2012 at 1:07 PM

So…..my husband is in the military and we had made plans to go to my parents for Christmas. I ended up going with our two little girls and he was suppose to meet us a week later. While I was there he broke it to me that he doesnt “love me ” anymore. Anyways to make a VERY long story short…..on New Years eve he was hospitalized for stomach pain…..I came home 2 days later and he was still there ( he was fine ) when I asked him if I could come up with the kids he would always say no or not now. He would actually get mad if I asked, which didnt sit right with me. When he came home like 4 days later I just had a gut renching aweful feeling in my stomach, so I went and looked at his work phone. He was passed out on the couch from meds. I found 5 naked pics of this chick I new about while on vacation and MANY texts back and forth saying I love you blah blah. I confronted him and to be honest I dont even remember everything that happend!!! I was distraught, a wreck, suicidal even. I told him he must choose her or his family, he choose us. He was remorseful, he was more so that he told me he wasnt sure if itd work because he couldnt “trust” himself and he hurt me too bad. I made him call her that night I called her, got her on the phone so I knew it was really being done! He told her off! according to him she hung up on him. So we went on living life TRYING to move forward…..mind you it was only like 2 weeks. So just about 2 weeks ago I had the same gut renching feeling inside so I got up at 3am and checked his work phone which was off downstaires in his work bag. What did I find, but ANOTHER text from her saying ” hope you have a good day at work!” I confronted him about it and he flipped out! Telling me that she texted him a few days prier asking ” how are things going?” he told me he told her that things were going good and that she needs to stop texting/calling him etc. He told me that night he didnt want me or her or anyone! but then the next day we talked and were back on the path, BUT I honestly cant shake the feeling of him still talking to her even if it isnt romantic anymore. I dont see how a man whos been sexual with another woman can just give it up like he never talked to her, so I honestly feel he still is. Oh well. I just cant sleep can barely eat and all at the same time want my marriage to work! for no other reason than I still love the cheating idiot! LOL I honestly love him! He loves me, he tells me he does and he takes me out and we have sort of resumed where we were before, but it all seems fake to me…….on his part anyways.

Angie February 9, 2012 at 11:03 PM

I posted on this site a couple months ago when I found out my husband was sexting with a couple other girls but we had a long sit down and I thought he was done with that nonsense, however I have been proven wrong and here I am once again with no idea what to do. I’m almost 9 months pregnant and continue to find sexy comments from my husband on girls facebook pages, atleast that’s the most recent infatuation he has. Whenever I confront him his excuse is that our relationship was on the rocks at the time or that it was a long time ago meaning at most a month ago. He isn’t working at the moment and hasn’t been for a while he got one job but hot fired a week ago after only working for towards weeks, I still an working full time and go on leave the end of this month, I don’t have money saved up and don’t have a car, I haven’t been able to save because I pay all of the bills and the rent, after finding another sexual comment today I’m honestly quite tired of his crap I give him everything, an freaken 36 weeks pregnant, still working my butt off so my son won’t be lacking anything, still come home to clean the house, do the laundry and cook for him, plus make time for the both of us so he doesn’t feel left out and this is how he shows his gratitude!? I’ve talkes to his mother and her excuse is that he still thinks like a teenager and that as soon as the baby is born he’ll change, but he’s 26 y/o that is no excuse! We’ve been together for four years and married for one but I feel like instead of maturing he’s action like a teenager going thru puberty. Now my biggest question is if I should leave him? Because although he hasn’t physically cheated that I know of i feel like he will in the future which will be even worse. I won’t have any income coming while I’m on maternity leave but its not like my husband is working now anyway. So honestly I don’t have a clue what to do…

Lydia from Angie February 11, 2012 at 3:03 AM

Hi Angie. I have recently found myself in a similar situation with my husband. I’ve written above about my situation. The problem with cyber-cheating is that it escalates very rapidly. It’s so numbing, and the initial thrill wears off leaving them searching for more. There’s so much to write about this cyber-cheating bull that my head spins. We are currently in therapy trying to move forward. Personally, I am on the fence about whether or not I will stay. While therapy is great and helping me to understand where he is comming from, I feel as if he’s being put in a position of “victim” of his low self-esteem rather than willing participant in deceit and betrayl, therefore my needs aren’t met in therapy. Maybe I’m not in the best position at the moment to be giving advice, but I will say that the best thing I’ve done for myself is to focus on myself and My needs. It’s up to him to prove to me that he can stop and he knows what he needs to withstand (checking his emails sporadically, knowing all his passwords, no computer use away from my sight and I have to know what he’s doing online) from me until/if I can trust him again. Beyond that, I have no clue. He has a lot to prove to me and hopefully with this therapist he’ll be able to resolve his issues.

Seriously, someone should write a book about this cyber stuff. People are so hung up on what the definiton of “cheating” from a clinical perspective that they forget that deceit and betrayl takes many forms. Cyber-cheating is cheating. It’s not fantasy, they are intimately connecting with someone else and having a form of sexualy encounter with them. It doesn’t make it any less hurtful because he hasn’t met up with the person face to face.

Be kind to yourself and focus on you. AND don’t look online too much about it. I made that mistake and learned quickly how small-minded/sexist/judgemental people really can be about cyber-cheating.

Angie February 11, 2012 at 9:08 AM

Hello Lydia,

Thank you for response, I’m sorry for what your goin through as well, it really surprises me how many means fall into this cyber-cheating web and try to justify that because there’s no physical contact its not to be taken seriously. Yet, if we where to do such a thing they would fly off the handle, atleast I know my husband would. I appreciate your advice and have already told him I need access to his e-mail, facebook, phone and those sorts of things but he tells me to stop being so insecure, however I would not be insecure in the first place if he could just be faithful. Right now that I’m pregnant I’m trying to avoid arguing at any cost to not stress out the baby. I don’t trust him anymore and would rather he leave, but he takes me as a joke whenever I tell him that. Any advice as to how to make him know I’m serious and that he’s officially gone too far ? in my opinion anyway bcuz i know right now its sexual comments over the when and via text, but soon like u said that will get boring and he’ll escalate to doing and not just saying.

Jewels from USA February 12, 2012 at 10:20 PM

Whitney - Always follow that gut feeling. Your husband has to understand this is very fresh for you, so you are going to be concerned that he has not cut it off. He has a chance everyday to help rebuild the trust. The phone should be out in the open if he has nothing to hide. You should not have to sneak to look through it, if he truly wants to make it work, he has to do your part, once that happens, your need to check his things will diminish, unless he is still doing something.

Angie – Lydia already gave a great response. The only thing I will add is you mentioned that you asked him to leave and he is not taking you seriously. Well, let’s see, you work, pay the bills, take care of your son, cook, clean the house. He is WAY too comfortable to leave. Stop washing his clothes, stop cleaning the house, he can help out. You focus on you and the baby, and tell him once you feel that he is being faithful, then you will start being a wife again. Meanwhile focus on other ways. Does he have family close, do you? It just seems like he is very comfortable. You know him best, and through your actions, not your words, you convey how serious you are about him leaving. Take Care!

Whitney from USA February 13, 2012 at 2:11 PM

Your definately right about following my gut!! If I look at his phone or the bill he accuses me of “scrutinising” ( spelling ) his phone and everyhthing. We went out out on saturday, we were both really excited about it, I happend to look at his phone at his pictures and saw a picture of her. Mind you friday night till sat at about noon he was gone on his “deployment” in Tacoma and SWEARS he was there and had no contact with her and told me hed have people call me and tell me he was there etc……and I checked the bill and she hadnt sent him anything at all!! SO I am wondering what the heck is going on, but I have to trust him I guess. Ive confronted him about it and he swears it must have been on his phone from along time ago that I didnt delete it, but it was above pictures I had sent him recently, meaning he mustve saved it recently ya know! still confused on what I am gonna do, stay or go, but would you confront him again about it? if so , how??

s from Iran/Tehran February 14, 2012 at 5:43 AM

hi every one
I’m happy fine this place to share my pain with you guys .
Really it ‘s very painful experience for my life , i came back alone to my country to visit my family after one year ..and he suppose to come after a month but he brought some reasons which he s not in situation to come down ,
i asked him should i come back but he denied and he told me to stay till he will be come n we’ll be back together … but he make me hold for 4 months which he could easily cheat on me , and me i never thought of it that he ‘s that type of guy ….
just think in that 4 months how i was missing him but whole those time he was just thinking for his enjoyments and being with another girl …
oh god what i have done in my life you gave me such this feeling ….
Finally he came after6 month only for 4 days n he didn’t take me alone with himself and i just came to know the last day which he above to go back …
and i fund some sms and conversion on his email ..he denied n he said she is only friend .. but i wasn’t agree n i told him i wanna divorce … if really there was nothing between them why he so fast agree with my decision …
see how this man is so rude … he is telling me if i ‘m agree with your decision , i just want you be comfort ..
I hate all man like him n i want they go thousand thousand miles inside of earth … if they don’t want us why they r getting married with us … why they play with our feeling n break our souls …
I know it ‘s finished everything .. but how can i face it ,, i’m n’t seeing that much power to stand again n really break …
thanx for bearing my story ,, i really needed to say about it
anyway this is my wishes that never ever happen to any woman in the world
and hope we woman doesn’t allow them by us to break our feeling n soul…
god bless all you ;-)

Jewels from USA February 16, 2012 at 12:06 AM


Whitney
– I am not sure you need to bring it up again, you just need to know within yourself what will be the limit. If he is still doing something, you are doing to find out something that he can’t deny, but you can’t be so ‘wired’ that you miss it. So just play it cool because you can’t prove it in this situation, but know know if he is still playing games, your alert is so high, you will know.

s, welcome to the site. That is a really good question you asked, many women ask, why get married if you are going to do this, I would rather not go through such pain. Like you said, don’t string me along for months having me missing you and you are loving someone else. I would rather you tell me than to do that to me for 4 months. I don’t know. All I know is that there has got to be a better life for us out there. You did nothing to deserve this, he cheated and lied, you did nothing wrong, trust that. Take Care!

Alesandra from UK March 1, 2012 at 1:24 PM

On the 12th October 2011 my husband said he had something to tell me, but he didn’t know how to as I would hate him. He eventually told me he had been using his mobile phone for sex texting via various internet sites. More was to come, two days later he admitted to having oral sex with a work colleague. He then went to work and on his way home he had a mental breakdown. ..

For the past 16 weeks I feel like I have been dragged into hell. He was diagnosed with acute transient psychotic episode as he was not sleeping, he was hallucinating and he kept trying to run away from home. For a week we had the police and/or an ambulance at the door to take him to the local hospital for assessment. The CRISIS team became involved but he refused to take any medication and would not talk to anyone except me.

My husband is 50 and we have been married 30 years. He cannot remember when this ‘affair’ happened as it ‘meant nothing’. It could be 3 to 4 years ago, he’s not sure! He has given me very little information as he ‘can’t remember’ and ‘why does it matter’. I do know that she was 12 years younger and 2 sizes smaller than me and it happened at work, in work’s time! He insists that penetration DID NOT take place it was just oral performed by both of them to each other! He is in denial that he even had sex as ‘oral is not sex’. He seems to think this happened around 8 times, ‘could be more, could be less’ and that he gave her our internet phone number so that they could engage in phone sex!

He is off work sick and he will lose his job. He is no longer ‘medically fit’ to hold a licence to carry out his duties. So no job, equals no money, equals no home! My salary is not sufficient to cover our mortgage, bills etc

He says he is ‘so sorry’ for what happened, he can’t believe he did it etc etc but just last night I caught him downstairs watching the adult channels. He says that when he feels down he is compelled to look at women and has all these fantasies…..

I feel at my wits end, some days I look at him and feel so sorry for him as he is obviously mentally unwell but other times I hate him for doing what he did and making me feel so old and invisible! I am torn between staying and leaving….

tgr172 from usa March 10, 2012 at 2:24 PM

I have a question that maybe those on this site would have an answer . My fiancé of a 5yr relationship just left me for her ex husband whom himself just got divorced from the woman whom he was cheating on my fience for when they were married. Bottom line when my fience was married to him he was cheating on her for a quite a while would go off and come back and repeat for several years. He is a fighter pilot jock guy, very self assured. She finally divorced him about 10 yrs ago they had 3 children. He eventually married that woman and she just reciently left him. As soon as my ex fience found out ahe immediatly initiated “innocent” contact. It grew and now she is with him constantly. Im sure it helps his broken ego. But my question is what is that about? Do these things ever work out. What goes through the mind of someone who goes back like that? I just want some situational awareness over the why? BTW she is on cloud 9. Any thoughts from those that are in her shoes would be most appreciated.

CH from USA March 12, 2012 at 6:59 PM

I have just recently found out my husband has been unfaithful to me close to around the past year. While I was in basic training (4 months) he went out to the bars every night off and made out with a different girl. He also came clean and told me some girls were more than once, and they even knew about me. Not knowing about any of this we got married when i graduated. 6 months late i came home to him (finally) and he was deploying. I found out that he had been talking to another girl about them hooking up if we didnt last and even went to the bar acting as “tucker max” and got another girls number sexing her the whole night. It seems as if he can’t keep to himself if we are away from eachother for more than two days. He swares that he is done and won’t ever do anything again but I just don’t know if I believe it considering it was multiple times and I just keep finding out more and more lies. I am at a complete loss of what to do…

Jewels from USA March 13, 2012 at 10:58 PM

Alesandra – It seems like the affair was literally eating him alive. In my opinion, it is typically better to have your husband to confess vs. you finding out on your own, but in his case, it caused a mental breakdown. You are in a difficult situation, because your husband is so unstable. I know he can’t remember and all the details (penetration vs. no penetration, oral versus vaginal), the fact of the matter is he cheated. No need to force it on him, but we both know he cheated.

So….I sense that you are very self-conscious of the fact that she was younger and smaller. Here is the secret – he did not cheat because of you. Typically men cheat because of their own insecurities about themselves, not because of you. So as he aged, he might have been feeling like he did not have it, is he still attractive, ect. So anyone who was younger (I do not think weight had to do with it) would satisfy the need of ‘still having it’. It’s just my perception, but I honestly think you could have been just as thin and 12 years younger at the time of marriage, and he probably would of still fell into needing to be validated as he became older, it is very common.

As far as you, 30 years is a long time, and you do not have to make a decision right away. If you feel like supporting him, do so. Hopefully in time he will get better and both of you can talk about the state of the marriage. The thing you have to watch out for is to make sure you take care of yourself and do not let the circumstance deplete you. Make sure you fill your gas tank, your husband is on E, and it will do no good if because of this you are on E as well. Take time for yourself and do not feel bad about it. I wish you and your husband well (hugs).

Tgr172 – Very interesting, I know that is tough for you to watch this. Did she say to you why she was going back? Very curious to hear what she would have to say about this. Sometimes women get stuck in the fantasy of husband and wife and kids. Maybe she wanted her fairly tale of wife and father of her children to be together, and she was willing to have that no matter what. Maybe she felt so rejected by him leaving and marrying someone else, that she could not wait to prove to him how she is a good wife. I am not sure, and you will drive yourself crazy trying to find out.

It’s sad because he already has shown that he is capable of leaving her for another woman at any time. And not matter what he says, his actions of the past are there. I think she has some severe self-esteem issues to take someone back that knowingly cheated and left her in the past, marrying the OW. Well, I hope you know there are good women out there that would want nothing more than to be with a faithful, loving man.

CH – I would watch his actions, not his words. Have a conversation with him that you did not sign up for an open relationship full of sexting other women. Make sure he is aware that if you find out your trust is betrayed again, there will be consequences. The key is you have to be able to act if you find out again. You can not make him stop. You can search and try to look and see what he is up to, but in my opinion, it does not make you find out the truth faster. Just tell him that you are not going to keep tolerating it, and ask him if he wants to be committed to you as a wife. Ask him is he is willing to give you access to phone when asked, ask him if he is willing to wear a condom until you can trust him again, all of these things will give you indications on if he is serious or not about being faithful. Best of luck to you.

charlene from canada March 20, 2012 at 3:51 PM

It’s been 4 months since I confronted my husband about his affair. I’m still living with him and our two boys. I’m really putting my kids first, my eldest son knows, he cried and tried to accept that wheather I stayed or left his father, he will try to cope with things. It killed me to see my 12 year old trying to brace himself for whatever life has in store for him. I decided to stay, we do family oriented things with our boys but other than that, I’m distant with my husband. He still works with the OW, so imagine how I feel everyday when he leaves the house. I will never trust him, I still believe there’s something going on. He tries to come home early on most days, he’s trying to be affectionate towards me, he’s much nicer. But he acts as if nothing happened, he did nothing wrong, when he tries to come close to me or tries to kiss me, I obviously pull away, he doesn’t understand why I’m not kissing him back or hugging him back! It blows my mind how he expects me to forget what he did to me and our boys or feel so hurt and broken hearted still especially knowing he still sees her everyday. He says he doesn’t communicate with this “individual” anymore, but really, you think he’d tell me if he did. I will never believe him. I’m still hurt, I don’t ever think my heart will heal.

Heather March 21, 2012 at 9:49 PM

Well, what I thought was going to be a ‘happily ever after’ marriage is not going to be. I posted my story a little over a year ago. We worked things out, and he has been so thoughtful, and always calling to say how much he loves me with “I love you” calls (that’s what he called them). Tonight, about two hours after he left for the base (military), my daughter calls to tell me that she saw him in a store near where she lives. When she asked him if he was with “mom” (me), he quickly left. My daughter followed him outside to see another girl driving his car with a small child in a car seat in the back. Of course, now he’s not answering his phone. I was shaking, I was so mad, but again, no tears yet. Does that mean something? I am so thankful that I am guardian of my eight year old grand daughter, otherwise I probably would have done something, don’t know what, stupid. I really want to get him this time, I’m so sick of this outright deceit. I don’t know what to do, and if I think about it, I think that’s when the tears will come…just because I don’t know what to do. I know what I’d like to do, but those things I cannot do because I don’t have it in me. It really does leave you with an empty feeling inside. I pray that I get my strength back because this feeling that I have….it’s not like me. It’s like a feeling of weakness. And as far as going on Facebook is concerned, I don’t think I want all my family and friends knowing this, it’s shameful to me.

Heather March 21, 2012 at 9:57 PM

Whitney,
It looks like we’ve got a similar situation. It’s easier for those in the military to lie because they have to go whenever they’re called. Like you and your husband, we’ve been having some good times together, not fighting and really getting along good. Almost too good to be true, was my feelings. Now, I find that I was right about those feelings. He’s supposed to be at the base now, but I know he’s not, because my daughter just saw him with someone and they took off in the car. He didn’t say anything to her because he knows he’s busted! I can’t even think straight, right at a time when I really need to think so that I can know what to do.

Heather March 21, 2012 at 10:10 PM

Suzy from USA,

I can relate to your story, in fact, I just found out tonight that my husband’s still lying to me. I’m pretty much in shock, and I like your very fitting description….numb. That’s exactly how I feel, like an empty feeling. I guess I am in disbelief, and reading some of the stories on this site makes me realize why so many women give up on men completely!! I don’t want to be a man-hater, but there are so many who have no compassion for others, especially the people, like us, who are here for them no matter what! That’s what kills me. My husband makes twice as much as me, yet I’m always giving him money! Shame on me, guess I should have known better than to trust him and give him a second chance! Live and learn, that’s what we need to do girl!

Whitney from USA April 11, 2012 at 11:06 PM

Well mario and I are done!!! he walked out on me and the little girls aweek from monday and so I am moving back home friday. I am so sad and so so so so so depressed right now…….please anyone who will listen and support me please send messages my way…..I sometimes find myself way to depressed to get out of bed! please pray for me and my girls theyre 2 and 5. Thank you!

Jewels from USA April 12, 2012 at 8:20 AM

Hello Whitney,

I will be thinking of you, Heather and Charlene.

He walked out, I know it’s hard to think this way right now, but maybe it’s good that he left versus you having to decide or stay always wondering. Sometimes life removes the unnecessary from us so that we do not have to do it ourselves. This is so painful for you right now, but this is also going to be a time of rebirth, a time for you to reassess what you want. You are blessed in that you have a place to move back to. Your family is there to help you, use them, it gives them great value in helping you, do not feel like a burden. I am sending you a big virtual hug to you and your girls!

Heather and Charlene, let me know how you are doing when you get a chance.

Angie April 13, 2012 at 7:28 PM

Hello Jewels,

Here I am a third time, the woman with the cyber sexting online cheating husband…The last time I posted on here (Feb 9th 2012) The first time was Nov 14th 2012 I was 9 months pregnant and now I am soo happy to say I had my little boy on the 27th of February and I love him to death! However, maybe I shouldn’t have… but after finding soo many things in my husbands facebook msg, and text msgs previously I still do not trust him…so a few nights ago when I was up doing a feeding with the baby he left his phone under his pillow and I was able to get it. He was still logged into his e-mail by accident and I went though alllll 80 pages of his inbox and outbox…I hadn’t mentioned this b4 but a year and a half ago I left him bcuz I got tired of supporting him and him starting to show signs of being abusive and I got scared and left him, but after 3 months of being apart I got vulnerable and missed him and called him and here I am today… so anyway as I was going through his e-mail I found msgs from b4 I left him; of him messaging a girl that somehow always keeps creeping up in his infidelity. As well as messages from back in 2010 when we were still dating. So I’ve come to a conclusion, my husband has practically been cheating on me since we were dating with this girl, and these were some pretty emotional msgs I found one in particular that ticked me off to the max! my husbands words “tell me the truth jenny is that the reason you didn’t want to get pregnant and have a family”? So from what I’m understanding, correct me if I’m wrong, he must have been having sex with this girl since b4 this msg. Let me explain who this girl is as well! it is his foster sister that his mom took in when she was 16 and he was 23 and she always crushed on him but he always told me she was nothing to worry about, that she was like a sister to him. SO unless the norm is to have an intimate relationship with your sister! I am extremely grossed out. So now here I am with my new baby that I love but I find myself unable to show the same affection as before to my husband. I confronted him about the msgs but once again he told me that those were from a long time ago and that I was crazy for going through his e-mail…I disregarded that crazy comment…but I now longer trust him and after reading his e-mails I don’t think any woman would. I was really trying to get passed his infidelity for my son but I feel like an idiot for staying with him, I know I deserve better, I’ve always been faitful to him, kept the house clean, kept food in the fridge, paid the rent, bills, gas, insurance, etc…and frankly I’m tired of being his doormat! So I think now that I’m back to work I’m going to try to save up as much as I can discreetly (which will be very difficult paying everything since he can’t keep a job) and try to “play house” until I can present him with the divorce papers and get a place for my son and I. I’m really battling with the concept though because of my christian beliefs, I know God frowns upon divorce but I also trust that God doesn’t want me in this miserable relationship. I don’t see how I was able to stay with him for this long and how I was soo naive thinking he’ll change when it’s clear that he won’t. He says he has changed for the baby but call me selfish, shouldn’t he also change for me? Maybe one day he’ll be a faitful husband to someone else but I’m done with him calling me stupid, and fat, and a duma** bcuz I know I’m not those things. for my credit I gained 22 lbs during pregnancy and my son is 7 weeks old on monday and I’ve lost 20 of that already…

Tee April 13, 2012 at 11:12 PM

My Husband was also Military I suffered the tragic loss of my special needs child and within a year before it ended my Daughter wasnt even in the ground cold yet before he started a relationship with a Woman right under my nose he knew I was destroyed over the loss of my daughter but he said he loved her to but he certainly got over her death FAST and moved on without me I had no proof so I downloaded a program called webwatcher on our home Computer and just like I knew he would he fell into character.

Was online on my computer chatting and visiting all king of sick sites and imagine how surprised I was when I discovered him and her were engaged she thought she had a prize so I went to her facebook page and informed her he was married we met face to face went to my home and waited for him to get home he had told her I was his mentally ill Sister that saw her baby die and I was bitter and didnt want him to have a life so if she called the house overlook me and the phone was in MY NAME.

I realized this Man never appreciated me and was still bitter at his ex wife because she used abused and tossed him away like garbage and evidently someone had to pay and that someone was me so I let him go because he was sick and I was in no mood for him nor his silly excuses he then had nothing but BAD Luck follow him after that he lost his Career in the military yes they gave him the boot and lost several jobs after that because he had this arrogant mentality that the Company could not function without him he was wrong so do I believe in Karma yes indeed.

Jewels from USA April 14, 2012 at 11:57 PM

Angie and Tee,

Angie,
Wow what an update. But I see good in your update, I literally see you becoming a strong women right as you typed your message. You are no longer accepting his behavior. You know how valuable of a women you are, you know what a great catch you are, and that is half the battle. I know you are struggling with your religion but you know marriage is a two-way street, divorce crosses all religions and there are some amazing Christians who are divorced, so do not down yourself over being a ‘divorced christian’, it’s ok.

I think your gameplan of working on leaving is good, I starting planning to save up months before I left as well. Take Care, hugs to you!

Tee,

First I am sorry for your loss of your child, I could not imagine the pain. And then to find out your husband was cheating around the same time must be hard. The lies that our cheating husband’s tell, I tell ya, the lies are sometimes so intense it’s hard to believe that people actually would so to such lengths to make up a story to cheat. Do we really have to go that far to cheat? And the answer is yes because I hear stories all the time of ‘I’m separated (but failed to tell the wife this) or (that’s not my kid) or (she’s my roommate).
I know you are going to go through a phase of rebuilding your life, during this time, make sure to take care of you, think about your needs and what you want out of the new life journey you are about to embark on. I wish you the best.

Maggie June 21, 2012 at 3:54 PM

Hi, I’m so lost and confused having found your site I’m actually hopeful I can get through what I can only describe as my worst nightmare!!!!After 4 years of gut instinct because of emotional and mental withdrawl from the man whom I thought was my perfect husband I’ve recently had a confession that from loosing his job in 2008 he’s been addicted to porn and chat rooms, talking to strange women & men about anything and everything including sex!!! Yes he’s so sorry, he doesn’t want to loose me, he has obtained some professional help from counselling!!! How do I even begin to sort this????
Please help xx

Jewels from USA June 23, 2012 at 10:14 PM

Hello Maggie,

The sex and porn websites are addicting, it appears that your husband seemed to suppress the emotions around the losing the job and filled that hole with online porn. I want you to read the comments under this post at the end of my message, it contains some communication from a wife named Gimlet and her husband who is also addicted. If anything you will not feel alone after reading the comments. Gimlet is a pretty active member, if after reading the comments you want to reach out to her, I can let her know. Take care, I know you are so overwhelmed right now with all the info, stay strong. Hugs to you!

http://www.acheatinghusband.com/sexting-texting-and-cheating/ ‎ (this is the post and comments I want you to read).

Ros from USA - CT July 11, 2012 at 12:56 PM

I just found out this Sunday that my husband cheated on me with a woman at his job. The way I found out was totally by accident as I went through the pockets of his jeans in the laundry room. I found a note that he had written to her asking her to spend more time with him and her reply that she’d make the time soon. After I read the note, twice, I found myself upstairs in our bed room beating him awake. I couldn’t stop and I screamed and cried and wanted to make him hurt the way that I did. He jumped up, ran into the bathroom, locked the door and kept saying what’s wrong with me. SO I read the note through the door and he confessed but said that it was old and he had already ended the affair. Which he says wasn’t really an affair because she just performed oral sex on him and that was all. As if that was nothing. He has been begging and pleading with me to forgive him, asked if we could go to counselling, which I had wanted to do for months, and even wants to NOW go to church with me. I’m torn between just ending and trying to move on, or trying to salvage the marriage. I haven’t said anything to our oldest son (37) but I did allude to our youngest (28) that something wasn’t right, before I found out, so I told him that I wasn’t crazy with my “Woman’s intuition”. These past few days have been pure HELL and I can’t even function at work or anything. I’m not even writing this in the usual way that I write because my thoughts are scattered.
My prayer is that God will lessen the pain and help me to erase the images out of my mind. I don’t know what my decision will be but I do know that I won’t ever allow myself to be made a fool of again.

Leigha from USA August 10, 2012 at 5:09 PM

I met my husband about 5 years ago. I thought he was the perfect man for me. I can recall crying while we were making love because I just knew that he was the one. I guess it was about 2-3 years ago that I started feeling as if something was off…. possibly he was cheating on me. Regardless of those feelings, I carried on with our relationship and we got married. Shortly after we had a beautiful baby. Sounds like a perfect story, right? All the while that I was pregnant he would be out at the bars and parties all nigh long. Sometimes he would come home… around 2,3,4,5 in the morning. This behaviour carried on. I eventually found out that he cheated on me after the birth of our son. I randomly looked through his online account for his cell phone, picked a number, and it was for an escort agency. The very next number was that of a Super 8. I had finally caught him. I can remember feeling as if my heart had completely stopped. No breathing, no heartbeat, nothing. At that moment, I couldn’t even cry. I think I was more in shock than anything else. I confronted him about this and he denied everything. To the fullest. I knew it was all a lie . After I found out about this one time it was almost as if a world wind of the other times came crashing down on me. He had cheated on me for YEARS. The whole time I was pregnant, before I was pregnant, and God only knows the rest. I left him for almost a year and finally decided to try to work things out for my family. We are together to this day but I am still having trouble with things that happened over a year ago… honestly, things that happned many years ago. I can’t have sex with him without thinking and comparing this prostitute in my head with my post baby body. I can’t go have a nice dinner without wondering if any of these girls from the multiple encounters are sitting right next to us. I would like for my marriage to work for my family. But I also would like my mind to have some peace. There is so much more but I am not capapble of writing anymore as to I feel that I have possibly lost it just a smidge. Any advice would help…. aside from “You need to let it go”. Because that is just not an option for me at this point. I have tried that.

Jewels from USA August 11, 2012 at 8:58 PM

Hello Leigha,

I can tell you are in pain. The worst type of pain is pain that repressed, pushed down to your soul. You see, you might of thought that you can push that pain inside, but what happens if you do not deal with it, it slowly eats at you, until you burst out in repressed pain, which I think you are going through at this time.

You got back together for your family, but always keep in mind, your family needs you as well, mommy’s happiness and sanity is just as important if not more important than keeping the family together. Are you in a position to talk to your husband about this? I will tell you what you are feeling is very common among women that have been cheated on, you are not alone in your thoughts and do not beat yourself up for feeling the way that you do. Your husband should be the one that helps you through this. If he is not understanding, if you have the means to go to personal therapy, that is an option. Also, how often do you get time for you? Time to just relax and think? I know you have a child, but it seems like you need a little time to just be you, and maybe you should have a conversation with your husband to tell him you are having a hard time with his past and need some time to think alone. Finding out your ‘perfect’ man was cheating for years is a VERY difficult to heal from, and it is going to take an effort on your part to make your feelings and your own healing a priority for things to get better. Take care, hugs to you!

charlene from texas August 31, 2012 at 3:22 PM

well where do I start? my husband and i have been married for 5 years. i was always almost sure that he was cheating on me. the reason i say this is because i found condoms one night when they feel out of his pocket he told me he was holding them for a friend it was a 3 pack and one was missing. still i stayed giveing him the bennifit. well last week he gose with a friend to get his paycheck in a town about 30 min away he tells me that he will be back at 9pm at the latest. well during this time i took a prego test and it came back positive. 130 in the morning he calls me drunk as a skunk to come get him i agree seeing that he rode with his friend. the adress he gives me is to a MOTEL that is known for it hourly rates and the marriors on the cilling. well i get there mad as can be to get him and a girl come up to the truck and needs a ride home because he offered her o. he says he dont know here but she lives in the same town that the Check was in……. and she asked me who i was i told her i amhis wife who are u she tells me she just wants to go home and starts crying and i give in because it is not here fault that he did not tell here i was his wife. well we get to my hose because i am so mad i am nause and he take 40 dolloers and takes her hiome the round time should only be 1 tops and i just put 20 in the tank. well 4 hours later he comes home with out the truck it ran out of gass???????? idk i know what my hart tells me and what my mind is telling me. i know that i need to get out he is also abusive to me i cant work or have a car go to curch or have mony for my self and he has left brusise many times i called a hotline and they offered consuling for us and he just laughed. and told me see no one care and if you leave i will keep the kid seeing you have no job. He made me loss my job 4 years ago i was making 48500 a year with full benifits.

Gimlet from United States September 2, 2012 at 8:06 PM

Maggie, Hi I’m gimlet and just came across your post by accident. I know how you feel but thetre can be light at the end of the tunnel. I would suggest that you google your brainonporn.com and you will find some information that may help you understand hoe porn addition workd. I know understanding coupled with my husband wanting to work on fixing things has helped us so much. We are in a better place now than we have been in years. I’ll be happy to listen to you and offer any guidance I can but I am no expert just a wife trying to get through a very difficult time. Best of luck to you. Also the fact that your husband has shared his problem with you and wants to get bettter is huge so chin up all ins not lost.

Lynn September 29, 2012 at 9:33 PM

Hello Jewel,
I’ve posted here before about my cheating husband and his cyber, sexting, por, addiction when I was pregnant. As well as finding out about him sleeping with his foster sister on & during our relationship. Last time I posted here I had come to the conclusion that I was going to save up money discreetly & leave him. But considering the fact that he lost another job makes it impossible for me to save. I pay rent, light, groceries, gas all the necessary plus a car payment since I had no car I needed one in order to leave with my son. The upside to that is I only have one more payment left next month. So my husband had been staying home with our son the last two months while I work over time to support us. I lost feeling for my husband a few months back and as a Christian I tried everything to love him like before he cheated on me but I can’t. And I’ve told him I don’t love him anymore but he says I’m crazy and that I need to think about our son and starts talking about how he’ll get a job soon so I won’t have to work soo much and can stay home with the baby more. However, since I’ve known my husband the longest he’s ever kept a job is 3 months and I can’t save any money bcuz I’m paying for everything and on top of that his parents live us as well so I practically support his whole family. It’s ridiculous. He got a job on Monday and I hope to God he can keep it. But now I find myself in an even bigger predicament, I’m afraid I. I’m becoming the cheating wife while I haven’t done anything physical with anyone no touching, nothing I find myself wanting to with a certain guy I’ve known for a few months he’s always thrown passes at me but I always made it clear that I’m married and didn’t want to stoop to my husband’s level. He made it clear that he doesn’t care. And I am now liking the attention he gives me and find myself flirting back. I feel nothing for this guy, only lust and find myself more and more repulsed by my husband by the day and he knows I don’t love him anymore and don’t want to be with but insists on me staying. I don’t know what to do, I’m really at the point of letting myself cross the line with this guy so that maybe my husband will finally understand and let me leave! So what happens now that the tables have turned and it looks like I’ll be the cheating wife??

chelsie September 30, 2012 at 3:54 PM

Lynn,
Don’t do it. Don’t stoop to his level. You can find validation in much better ways. If you crave this so badly, then do the right thing and leave your marriage.
And don’t let this guy use you, the same way your husband used other women.

Lynn October 7, 2012 at 5:57 PM

Hell Jewel & Chelsie,

I am soo happy and proud of myself to be able to say I finally left my husband. Things are already looking up. My 7 month old is actually sleeping through the night now, he used to wake up twice a night & I thought that was normal but now I see that the tension between us and arguing was majorly affecting the baby. I feel soo free & like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Now I just need to find an appartment for my son and I and I know I can do this.

Thank you Jewel for your help, I will keep you posted.
P.S. I am Angie first posted in November than again in February.

chelsie October 8, 2012 at 12:26 AM

Lynn
I wish you all the best. This is a huge step, but I believe it is in the right direction. I, too, am Christian, and the values I have always had and still have, make it a tough decision. In the bible, it does make reference that divorce is acceptable in the case of adultery.
I admire you for your strength to take this step.
I am also happy to hear about the baby sleeping through the night. I agree that the little ones can sense tension and anxiety.
I will pray for you and your baby.

Jewels from USA October 10, 2012 at 3:05 AM

Lynn,

I just read both of your updates, I am glad you are in a better place. I read the part about the job and how he is always talking about getting one, but his actions have shown that he hasn’t been able to keep one for longer than 3 months, always go by actions, not words.

Concerning you leaving, super happy for you, it’s such a big step, and I believe you put in a good amount of time and effort trying to save the marriage, so you can leave knowing you gave it a try. Love changes after cheating, it will never be the same. With the right type of guy, it can work, but it is never the same type of love. As far as this ‘new person’ in your life, be easy on yourself. Make sure Lynn that you are not leaving just so you can feel better about seeing this guy, make sure you are leaving because you want to, regardless of what happens with the guy. You are smart enough to know that it’s nothing serious it’s just lust, so make sure you take time to get Lynn together. I am sure your husband is going to try to get you to come back, so try to anticipate that and what comes along with it. If your husband suspects another guy, anticipate the drama. But overall, it takes courage to leave with a 7 month old, and it takes courage to leave a husband that doesn’t have it together, do not feel guilty for leaving, feel proud. Keep me posted.

Charlene – it seems like I missed your update, send a new update if you are still online, if not, I will send you a note.

Lynn October 14, 2012 at 3:55 PM

Hi Jewel,

Thank you for all of your advice and direction.
Like I said I already feel soo much better for leaving, we are both soo much happier, I know it’s not going to be easy now, but in the long run it will be worth it. As far as the other guy, I had already realized before I left that if i were to leave I would not be open to any relationship soo soon, even if it were purely over lust. I need to have my mind clear so that I am able to make the right choices for my son & I. So as far as that guy, I don’t even speak to him much. Which is for the best. I think what I am dealing with now, is getting used to being alone. It’s not very easy, I’ve noticed that I stayed with my husband for soo long because I was simply used to him and it was easy being around him even if I didn’t love him anymore. But now I’m home on Friday nights and Saturday nights and read books & magazines to keep my brain occupied. I don’t know many people here since I originally moved here w/ my husband when we were engaged. So I guess I’ll just have to make new friends and find an occasional night sitter for when I feel like going out. I haven’t had fun in a very long time. But other than getting used to being alone things are looking up. I’m looking for an apartment and haven’t had much luck yet, but I shall remain positive.
Thank you once again!
I will keep you posted =)

Jewels from USA October 15, 2012 at 12:50 AM

Lynn,

I am sooo happy for you Lynn – I remember feeling the same type of liberation once I left, I had my mind back, my energy back, it was like my body was saying ‘finally, at peace’. Even better things are in store for you. Start to build the support system, ask the universe for it and patiently wait, the support will come. I did and now I am at the point where if I need a sitter, I have 3 solid people that can help me out. And to think back before I even moved out almost 2 years ago how scared I was that I would have no support. Hugs to you, I can tell through your writing how much better you feel!

tuguchu October 15, 2012 at 10:26 AM

Well i too thought my husband would never cheat on me. Its been 8 months now and its still painful and hard to move on. There are days i just want to share my pain with someone but i am afraid they wont keep it confident. The only person i shared it with was my husbands mother which i thought was not worth it because they never spoke to him or persecuted him. So i guess they didnt understand or share my pain.
The thing that i cant get over is that he had oral sex with a prostitute. That took so much of my self worth more that i ever though. Furthermore, oral sex? i think i would have handle vaginal sex so much better especially with a prostitute. When i have those “why did this happen to me” I cant get past the prostitute thing.
My husband wouldnt have confess if he didnt contract oral gonorrhea from her. He approached me fearing that he past it on to me so i could be treated immediately. Thank God I was ok.
I have days when everything seems perfect and days when it totally hits me and i want to leave and take my daughter with me. The only thing holding me back is his relationship and love for our 1 year old daughter and his constant daily effort to make it up to me. I am lost, dont know what to do and cant share with anyone. Feels so good to write about it and get some of it off my chest.

Kristina from U.S. November 29, 2012 at 8:37 AM

Jewels,
Your site is a God send. I know I’m not the first or last person to be cheated on by my husband. And although I can honestly say I’m not happy it happened to any of you, I am relieved to no longer feel so alone. We have agreed not to get anyone else involved because we are both embarrassed over the whole situation, but the secret tears me apart. I feel isolated and pathetic for staying even though I know it isn’t like that.
The worst part is that he is in the military so I only see him a few times a year. How in the world do you start trusting someone again when you have no idea what they’re doing? Would he have ever told me if I hadn’t found out in the first place? Am I just buying into a million lies because I want them to be true? I want to move on so badly and I just can’t imagine leaving him but sometimes I wonder if it would be better for both us.

Jewels from USA December 1, 2012 at 3:18 AM

Hi Kristina,

I am glad the site is helping you, the exact reason I created it is because I did not want another woman to feel as alone as I did through my time. The emotions you are describing is what makes affair recovery so difficult!! You are constantly questioning your decision. And because your husband is in the military, it is even more difficult, I am sure you have anxiety about what he is doing while he is not home.

You mentioned that you feel pathetic for staying, and even though it is not talked about much, most women stay, especially initially. What I told myself is that I would stay and work it out, and give him another chance. But if he cheated again or kept seeing her, it was over. Unfortunately, he kept seeing her, but that is just my particular situation. I would say that you are choosing to stay to see if your husband is willing to repair the damage, you are in control my friend, and you are deciding to stay, and at any time, you can choose otherwise. I felt the same way, trapped and embarrassed for staying. But in time, I started to change my perspective, and became more empowered. Best of luck to you. Try not to stress too much while he is gone, live life and trust that if he is still messing around, that it will come to light, without you stressing. Hugs to you!!

Diane from USA December 4, 2012 at 6:54 AM

I had been married for 33 years to a wonderful man so I thought. It has been almost 3 years now and I am finally at peace. I feel the sorrow, pain, anger and everything else the women in the blog are feeling. I have had a cold heart for those years and it is finally getting to thaw. I was a monster for those years and hated myself for what he did. He does not deserve me and I deserve better. It took me a very long time to get over thisbut I can say it is so much better not 100% yet but at least 90%. I have felt cold for so many years and now I want to live. I met a man who is very nice and thinks I am a special women and it feels good to no I am still attractive enough for someone to notice. If it does not work out with this man so be it. I have my own apartment, full time job and my car now and it is me who pays for it all.I do not have to sit home a worry about when my husband will be home or who he is with. I have loved this man since I was 18 when we married and letting go was one of the hardest things I had to do. But I did not want to live that way of thinking where and who he is with. He has been living with his mistress since he left and life is not what he expected. I quess they call that Karma!!!! Please ladies I no it very hard if you are just starting out in this nightmare but hang there because it will get better when I thought it would never happen but it did.

Jewels from USA December 8, 2012 at 11:48 PM

Hello Diane,

Thank YOU for taking the time to share this update with us. I can see your strength and growth through your words. I am glad that you met someone that treats you well, and even more glad that you said if it doesn’t work out, so be it. You are not attaching yourself to an outcome, which is wonderful. I am happy for you and your update is going to inspire many women! Take Care!

Marcus James from USA December 18, 2012 at 12:54 PM

Everything you said in your interview with the Huffington Post is on point, and true. I wish Id heard that advice in 2009, when a 2am cell phone text to my ex-wife slapped me in the face. It was the “are you up” text. I trusted my wife, but we were having problems and I didn’t know why, until that text. After the “reality” of her cheating was out in the open, I stayed another year trying to work it out, marriage counseling and such, but it didn’t work.
I understand your writings and advice is for Women, but the advice and lesson applies to any spouse that has to deal with cheating, male or female.

Jewels from USA December 19, 2012 at 1:10 AM

Hi Marcus, thank you for sharing. I totally understand that men are impacted by infidelity as well. And men typically go through the pain in silence for the same reason we do, embarrassment. I always get a little excited when men post saying they have gone through this because your story really gives hope to other women that there are good men out there, that are faithful to their wives. Take care :)

ZANA from Scottsdale, AZ May 13, 2013 at 1:49 AM

What a great website! Thank you. I have been going through the rough road of recovery after my boyfriend not only start cheating on me when I was 9 months pregnant but also left my son and I for the new girl-his assistant he had just hired a month ago. I caught him on Dec 2nd , 2 weeks after I delivered. Just few days after I had the baby he told me he wasnt sexually attracted to me anymore and a week later I caught him. Of course all the signs were there for about a month. It was horrible. I am still dealing with the pain from the betrayal. This man turned out to be the meanest person on Earth. Ever since he left us he has been treating me horribly. The one thing I cannot get over is the fact he always spends his visitation time with the awful woman he left us for. I recently saw her pushing my babys stroller and holding my son. There was nothing I can do but cry and cry.. Right after he moved out I met her and told her my son and I love daddy and we are waiting for him to come back. At the time I didnt know she is the one. My mom who was with me suspected something is fishy about her and I used the opportunity to share how hurt I am and how much we love and need him to be back with us. She acted like they have only professional relationship. The worst is that he wants 50% physical custody immediately. It is a nightmare.. Of course the family law system is so disabled and unfair. I feels so powerless, cannot stop crying and the pain is killing me. I am a strong woman and have been fighting and fighting but sometimes I feel like I will fall apart.

Jewels from USA May 16, 2013 at 7:08 AM

ZANA – thanks for the compliment about the site. I want to share with you a quick story. My kids are now 6 and 4, and my ex-husband cheated when I was pregnant. Fast forward a couple of years, and I find out he is dating (which is fine), but also that his new girlfriend sometimes spends entire weekends with the kids. I do no not know who this person is and I felt a little off that she was spending so much time, without knowing anything about her. I did not confront my ex-husband, but I talked to a girlfriend, and she told me this ‘As hard as it is to watch/raise kids, if she is willing to watch your kids, more power to her – that is not your concern.’ She was right. Having help watching a young baby – that is how you have to look at it because you can not control who he is with. If he is with the OW and she is willing to watch your baby in her free time – that’s on her – it’s like having a free babysitter! I know I am making light of it but really I want you to think about changing your perspective. As long as you feel the baby is safe and feels taken care of, it should be ok. The 50% custody is not in court at this point right? If not, you also can use this to your advantage in several ways – you can see how he handles the baby alone, is he responsible enough to handle watching his child? And you can also use the time to get YOU together so that when it goes through the system and the final decision is made, you have had some time to yourself to reflect on the situation, get YOU together so that you can move on to the next phase of your life. And this other woman – she should be an afterthought, now that you see how he really is, you do not want him anyway! Take care!!!

Kathy from Texas May 30, 2013 at 4:49 PM

Im so glad I found this blog, Ive been going through so much in my life with my fiance (not married but living together) and just need to hear advise. I could talk to my family, my firends but I dont want them feeling sorry for me or telling me what I should do because I will do it when I feel I’m ready to let go.

Geri August 4, 2013 at 10:51 AM

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years, and we just bought a house together. Two months ago he was hurt in a car accident, and had to be hospitalized. The police gave me his cellphone which they’d found after the accident, and I switched it on to check if it was damaged… And a whole bunch of missed calls and intimate messages from a woman I’d never heard of popped up on the screen. They were by affectionate messages along the lines of “Hey baby I miss you, why havent you called me, are you ok sweetheart, etc”. I was stunned. I started reading all the messages between my boyfriend and this woman, and I realized they’d been sexting each other for months. He would text her about his day, about the trips he’d been on, about how he’d been thinking of her, about how he looked forward to ripping off her clothes when he saw her. I felt sick. Before this, I would never have thought my boyfriend could cheat on me. I always thought he was the most honest, open guy I’d ever been with. I wanted to cry and scream. But I couldn’t because he was injured and in hospital, and even after he was discharged he was in pain. S I swallowed my pain and devoted myself to being his caregiver. His injuries weren’t too serious but he did have a couple of broken bones and concussion after all… And then I found out from a nosy doctor at the hospital that the OW had visited him in hospital. She’d visited him late at night after visiting hours…after I’d gone home. Suddenly I remembered how he’d keep asking me in the hospital what time I would be leaving. I guess he must have told her, so that she could visit him when I was gone. I don’t think I coue have felt any lower. I finally broke my silence and confronted him then. At first he tried to laugh it off and said she was just an “ordinary friend”. Then when I revealed I’d seen the sexy affectionate intimate messages, he admitted he’d slept with her “years ago” before he met me, and he admitted they were still “very close”… But he swore that he hadn’t slept with her since he got together with me. Days later when I spoke to him about her again, he changed his story again. He said she was just a friend, and I’d misunderstood the messages and read them out of context. Conveniently he’d deleted all the messages. Since then he keeps telling me it’s all in my head and we have to move on. And he tells me he won’t ever see her again since it obviously upsets me, and he loves me. But how can I believe what he says now? For one thing, how is it possible to read out of context a messages like “Thinking of you and when I see you, I’m gonna rip your clothes off”? And he had never admitted t hat there was anything inappropriate or wrong about the messages. Worse, when I bring it up now, he acts like I’m the one who is being unreasonable and mean. He’ll talk about how he’s still in pain from the accident and why can’t I just be supportive of his recovery and stop confusing him with all this talk about the OW. So he gets to play the victim and I end up being the one in the wrong for not being able to “move on”. I’m so angry I can’t think about anything else, and yet I’m keeping it all inside. I feel like I’m going to go mad sometimes. I still go to my job and put in all the hours, and we entertain our friends and act like everything is ok, he keeps telling me he loves me – but inside I am just one big mass of anger.

Jewels from USA August 4, 2013 at 5:38 PM

Hi Geri,

From my perspective he is playing games – all the way. The first thing that came to mind after reading this was I am so glad you are not married. You can’t read the context wrong on a message like I can’t wait to rip your clothes off. You don’t say that to a friend or someone you slept with years ago, you say that to someone you slept with recently. If she was just a friend you would of known about her. From his response he doesn’t even seem remorseful on how much pain this has caused. I know you just moved in together, but really think about what he has shown you about himself, because based off of his reaction, nothing is going to change, he is going to continue. You can not move on because you know the truth. He really has a lot of audacity, having the girl that he texted ‘I want to rip your clothes off’ visit him at the hospital. I almost get the impression he thinks you are not going to leave. You are angry because you know he is playing games. And his accident should have nothing to do with your decision on what to do with the cheating. If he has enough energy to call this other girl and have her visit the hospital, then he will be ok. At the end of the day, you have to be comfortable with the decision, but from the little knowledge I have, you deserve much better treatment!!

Geri August 5, 2013 at 12:14 PM

Dear Jewels,
I am so glad I found your website because it has shown me I’m not alone, and more importantly, I’m not crazy or unreasonable – which is what my boyfriend seems to want me to believe. After I confronted him about the OW, he swore he had already told her he’d never see her again. Then I looked in his phone again – & they were texting each other again! She was saying things like “Baby I feel like you don’t want to see me” and “How about I come by and take you out for a drive?”, and he was responding to all her texts with very affectionate messages along the lines of “I’ll see you very soon dear”. I confronted him again. I asked him why he had lied to me and told me he’d told her he wasn’t seeing her again when he was so plainly still in contact with her! And he said he told me he’d already told her he was not seeing her anymore becos IN HIS MIND he’d already decided he wouldn’t see her anymore. And that he just wanted to “end things in a nice way”. All this while still insisting that they were just friends and I’d misunderstood everything! A few days later when I checked his phone again, I found he’d locked the phone with a passcode…for the first time ever in the 6 years that we’ve been together. And yet he still keeps telling me how he loves me and how our relationship is special. And he is still as affectionate and loving as ever to me. It’s driving me mad. I’m 80% sure that he cheated on me and that he is still in contact with the woman… But he won’t admit anything, has an explanation for everything, and as a last resort when I press him, he tells me he’s still in great pain from his accident injuries and the concussion, and he can’t remember so many things so why am I tormenting him. The thing is, actually a couple of his injuries are really not healing too well, and he needs to go for repeat surgery, so yes, I do feel like a horrible person if I press him about the OW right now. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel I am responsible for taking care of him right now when he’s hurt and unwell – but part of me is screaming inside and crying.

Ellen from Canada August 16, 2013 at 8:48 AM

Dear jewels:
I am so happy to know I am not alone, I am not the only one that had or having a cheating spouse. I truthly thanks god about it.
Me and my husband had been married for 9 years after we dated for 2. We had three lovely children. In our relationship, marriage, we gave each other a lotta trust and space. I never know there’s a problem till my husband told me that he loves a woman that he had been friend with her since January this year, she is 14 years older than us, and she was divorce lady, and he is having an affair with her, he said that he won’t give up her, he did not regret to have this affair because he is happy to be with her. She is very attach to him, he never meet anyone like her in his lifebefore. Sound like he is a perfect soul mate to him, important enough that he can give up everything that he has to follow her. He keep telling me that its very hard for him to be around me, in his heart he feels bitterness about me because he felt I was pushing him away from not loving him.
When I hear him say that he love someone and not loving me anymore, I was shot, falling apart, sad, anger, but I chose to not give up him, and chose to give our marriage another chance to work thought, now I am confuse about if its right or not? He becomes love here more and more, he lie to me, he never home except coming to sleep, he did not want to hug me, kiss me or having sex with me, those are very upsad me. What should I do? When ever I said that I need you, he was keep telling me that I couldn’t force him when he did not feel like it, I can’t magically change him to love me again, he is the only one can deal with this relationship, he said that he just need me to give him time. I keep telling him that giving him time doesn’t mean just leave along at home and go see your girlfriend all the time, it will keep hurting my feeling until one day I will be the one that will choose to leaves him and our marriage which I don’t want to see it happen.
Ah, what should I do? I want to be strong again, I want to be a new fresh me again, the real Ellen with a happy positive attitude before I know the bad news, kids need their mommy, this family need me, even my husband needs me too, I really want him back, is it worthy to wait? I am lost….

Jewels from USA August 19, 2013 at 12:00 AM

Hi Ellen,

It seems like your husband feels that he has found someone special in this other woman. I know you love him deeply and want things to work out, but he has got to have that same passion to want it to work out as well. He has got to be committed to you and the family, and at this moment, from what you wrote (he said he is glad he had the affair and won’t give her up), he is not committed. Love is a choice and unfortunately, you can’t make someone love. And him not deciding is almost like saying he chooses her. At this point, you still have control of how you handle the situation. With 3 kids you have a lot to consider. I know you have lived your life always thinking about your husband and taking care of him, but it’s time for a re-evaluation. The situation is going to weaken your energy and it’s important that you have enough energy to take care of yourself, and then your family. In order to do that with everything going on, you need some time to think, to figure out your own next steps, and I think your husband should give you the time (meaning maybe he watch the kids) while you get yourself together. Your husband might have a change of heart, but at this time you have to go off of what he is showing you, which is he is not committed to the marriage anymore. So you have to think about what that means, what the impact is, and next steps for you and your family.

The good news is that there are tons of women who have gone through this and survived. I was so down when I first found out my ex-husband cheated, I didn’t know if I could be happy again. And a few years later, I have smile, laughed and enjoyed life. No matter what happens, you will get through this. And also you have much more power than you think.

Hugs to you:))

X from India August 29, 2013 at 10:33 AM

Dear jewels,
I am writing this to you because there is no one to hear and understand my situation. I cannot tell this to my parents or my friends and I was in search of someone like you( a stranger- but you sounds very friendly) so that I can explain everything to someone. I am a very shy, somewhat introvert type of Indian girl from a remote village in India and I am not very well in English language. My problem is my serial cheater husband and he is always cheating, each and every moment. This is our 3rd wedding anniversary and believe me, we never had anything physical (yes no sexual relations at all). whenever I ask about this, he told me that I dont want kids too soon. then I told about the family planning, He is not at all interested. Once I asked him openly that why you are not interested in sex with me. At that time he replied that he is having the memories of his past. Then I asked about the memories, what he told was about his late father. (sounds funny na). In india, especially in the rural villages, if a lady is not conceiving even after 3 years, it is considered as a bad omen. So you can imagine what I am suffering now. These are only the introduction. The main part is following.

After 2 weeks of my marriage itself I became suspicious of the phone calls, e-mails, his locker that he kept locked all the time (which i managed to open one day and it made me almost half dead, because it was full of greeting cards, letters, snaps, and other memorable items of his past. interestingly, at least 8 or 9 ladies’ letters were there and 3 wedding anniversary cards were there from a lady by marking a date as their wedding anniversary). It all happened within one month of our marriage. we are staying in a metro in India which is distant from my home town. so there was no one to share this. At that time, I had no idea about how to deal with this. Then I decided to wait. Even now I am waiting. Without knowing what to do? He is still in relation (physically,financially) with all those ladies and I had a chance to talk about this. (I checked his cell phone and showed some messages and asked about this)Do you want to know what he told. “What is wrong in this. These ladies are my fans, I know them for years. I cannot break this relations” and he scolded me for spying on him and distrusting him and since that day I’m the sinner. He is spending so much on those ladies. His father was a government official and was notorious for his bribery. So he is having all the money to satisfy a wretched lady. One girl is there, she is reporting to him every hour like she is his wife. another lady who is married and having one child is also like his wife. (in between them “who i am”). After I asked about this, my husband is locking his phone, laptop etc. As you said, most of his girlfriends are having a low self esteem and from financially poor backgrounds.
I am jobless and whenever I tried for jobs, he was discouraging me. Now I understand why he is doing like this. He wants me as only a dummy to show infront of his family, relatives and friends. There is no role in his life that I can play. he is a very good actor. He is acting very nicely in front of society. All the ladies in my apartment is jealous of me that I got a very nice, gentle, rich, romantic husband. But the things running inside my life –. He is creating such a good boy image that no one could blame him. Only I am the introvert and now even more self centered. The only thing that hurts me is about my parents. I am the only girl in my family. my sister committed suicide 20 years ago when I was 8 years old. So my parents only hope is me. If they knew about my situation, they cannot tolerate it. you know in India, especially in rural villages things are not at all like the western countries. If a girl got divorced, it is hard to live in the society.
I want to live. I want to live my life. I want to be free from this hell. But how? That is the big question in front of me. I am did my graduation in life science and I know that I can easily get a job. But, …
(seriously, I’m feeling quite relaxed now. I was bearing a lava inside me.)
Thank you for listening to me.

Jewels from USA August 31, 2013 at 8:32 AM

X,

Hi there! I will try my best to respond but keep in mind I am not aware of all the cultural differences. You are smart in your assessment. It seems like your husband is a ‘for show’ type husband. Maintaining that image of a good member of society is really important to him. But he also has another dark side full of lies, women, and deceit. And that is the side you are finding out about, and it is tearing you up inside. You mentioned that he scolded you for spying, does that mean he psychically hit you?
It seems like from a cultural standpoint you have some issues, your husband told you that if you don’t conceive after 3 years, it’s a curse. That’s not fair to you because you can not get pregnant without sex, and he knows that. To be married and not have sex is off, BUT I would not push that issue because if he is physical with other women you do not want him to pass anything to you.
I know in some cultural divorce or leaving your husband is something that will cause you to be shunned from society. Was this an arranged marriage? Your husband seems like he is living a double life, I would not pursue him so much at this time. I would focus on getting a job, you are right, he doesn’t want you to get a job because money is power, and he doesn’t want you to have any. Put your time and energy into that and try not to worry about all the other stuff for now. Unfortunately you can not change a culture or society views, so sometimes what you have to do it look within your own world and see what is the thing you can change. With you, it’s a job. Take care, hugs to you!

X from India September 2, 2013 at 1:16 AM

dear Jewels,
first of all a very big thanx to you for reading all my lines. Now I can assure myself that there is someone else who also know my problems. As you said I am trying very hard to get a job and I attended 2-3 interviews, but my husband is discouraging it(in india, husband is like god, we dont have any right to disobey him) so now I have joined for some classes which could help in my future (learning foreign languages). And another point that you pointed – about baby- now I do not want anything from him. But the society (which is an integral part of indian life (F***) i really hate this system- all the others have rights to change our life, but I am not going to let that happen) and of course ours was an arranged marriage and he did this for his mother that I belongs to the same religion and society. This month is our third anniversary and I know that as usual he will be taking me somewhere for dinner, may be giving some gifts(not at all expensive) to keep his good boy image. But I have decided to wait only till this December. After that I must talk this to my family. But I do not have any solid evidence as my husband is really good in convincing everyone.
I am counting my days.
Thanx again for listening me jewels.

X from Indian September 2, 2013 at 1:21 AM

and one more thing jewels, he is not doing any physical abuses (that is the only plus point), but his words and deeds are enough for me.

Jewels from USA September 5, 2013 at 10:30 PM

X,

I see, thanks for sharing more. That is not right that the husband has so much power, but I totally understand that every society and culture is different. I am glad you are at least getting some studies in, one thing at a time. I know here in America it takes a while to get a job and effort, so don’t give up after only a few interviews, unless it would cause too many issues with your husband.

As far as evidence of cheating, do not worry, if someone is cheating, the evidence will present itself when it needs to be presented. I am assuming if you to tell your parents without solid evidence they might convince you that you are not right and need to stay. I am glad you have the courage to acknowledge what is not right, and say that you are not going to let others dictate your entire life. One step at a time, and I am happy to hear no physical abuse, that is an entirely different catagory, take care!

Yvette September 16, 2013 at 5:38 AM

Hello,
I guess it was meant for me to find your website Jewels. Sitting here at my computer crying 5am in the morning and my husband is not home. Never thought I would be in this situation but I should not be surprised really. I’ve been married to my husband almost 25 years. Look at that number and go WOW really. Throughout the years I have always taken care and loved this man with every breathe in my body. I would give my life and fight for him and that statement in itself has been tested through all the issues with health he has had over the past 20yrs, not once did i ever leave his side. Look back over the years and he has always done “things”, the my intuition lead me to uncover the truth. Approximately 13 years ago noticed all his time on the computer and little changes in behavior that lead me to believe he was doing something . One day he told me about an upcoming business trip to California, and he would be out of town for approx. a week. Now , normally he would tell me in enough time for me to make plans with my job to travel with him. It was obvious this time he did not want me to join him, that intuition kicking in. Remained come over the next few days to allow things to play out and not draw suspicion. I drove him to the airport and sent him on his little marry way with his itinerary safely in my email. Upon arriving back home started to look around for clue and uncovered that he has been talking to a couple of women in the LA area. First, I cried my eyes out then I got agree where all I could see is RED!!! When he called I so wanted to tell him , but thought it would be better to wait until he arrived back home. Upon picking him up from the airport to when we arrived back home there was a weird feeling in the air. He kept asking me if I was ok. We arrive home and I stated to my husband that we need to talk. I calmly proceeded to tell him that I knew, just confronted him about the “Affair”. First he so denied it but I told him about emails and there was no use in lying. So, he confessed to everything the gates were open and it poured out. After it was all said and done, we both promised that day especially him that we would move forward together and fix our marriage. I told him if this ever happened again, I would leave him for good. Yes, we did move forward 2 years later renewed our vows to one another. We were closer then ever and never looked back .

Several years after our vow renewal my father lost his 20+year battle with cancer, he was my best friend in the world. I fell into a deep depression not realizing what was really going on. Since I worked from home, it was easy for me not to physically deal with people and the sadness I was feeling. At the time I did not realize “depression” was my problem, I was just extremely sad all the time. That is when I noticed how much my husband truly cared for me.

It started with him going out with his buddies on Friday night not coming home until the early AM hours in the morning. My head was so cloudy, I did not realize what was happening until one saturday I woke up to him not home looking at the clock to see 5am 6am still no husband at home. My initial instincts was that something bad happened and me calling hospitals to then hearing the call pull into the driveway. I would be so relieved that he was safe at home, then the issue of time would trigger such rage in me. He would tell me a story, which I accepted to some degree at the time .. but my depression had such a hold on me. Then several months later I lost my job due to company cut backs leaving so many of us without jobs.

That truly pushed me over the edge and my depression got worse. I no longer wanted to do anything just basic things like going to the grocery store or general shopping. My husband started going taking care of outside things; I only dealt with taking care of the home inside. I felt like he was taking care of me after all those years of taking care of him and all the hospital stays but that was not the case.

Eventually over time my husband would stay out all weekend, it became a routine and I just got use to it. One day I just looked and him and said why me, why. I’ve always been there for him and this one time in my life when I need him most this is what he would do. I started seeing a psychologist to help me deal with my depression and over time I started to view my marriage through much clearer eyes… By , that time my husband would go out Fridays maybe come home the next morning at 4am or so… come home take shower maybe eat thing out again. When I would try and talk to him he would get very irate with me and be extremely rude like how dare I question him… Was so pissed but not having any family really but my husband , no job.. just made me feel so vulnerable. I thought of ending my life because this environment is not good for me…

I found the strength to start getting evidence and found receipts , leave slips for days he has taken off during the week but told me he was at work. Everything was lies.. on top of lies…. he would never answer his cell phone when I call..all this on top of my depression hurt so bad. Over the past 5 month, I have found out who the woman is, where she lives that she has two children from a previous marriage, ridiculous debt and how long the AFFAIR has been going on and I cried.

All the Thanksgivings, Christmas and New Years he has left me at home , he was with her all this time it just ripped my heart out. I approached him and just stated…. ” Do you want a divorce?” I know what you are doing you can leave…. I don’t need to be in this type of environment… His answer is no… He just has to get himself together.. blah..blahh crap. He is never home really, but I can’t understand why he just doesn’t end it…

As of today , he has now clue I know who the woman is or the evidence that I have to prove something is going on. This Affair started late 2009 and ongoing to the present. I started to keep a diary of his daily activities and document everything I can.

Through all of this I’m actively seeking employment and getting my career back on track, thinking of consulting again….

I’m debating two options….. (1) Hold all my information get a job, then an attorney and sue for divorce (2) Confront him now with my evidence and let the chips fall where they may.

I’m in my mid 40′s still look very very good for my age and i want to live my life but not with this type of man if thats what I would still call him “ROFL”

Just can’t understand why he want to hold on to me… but share whatever he does with this other woman.. WHY?

Jewels from USA September 20, 2013 at 7:01 AM

Yvette,
I wish I could give you a hug, but instead I will give you a virtual hug. The first thing that pops in my head is that you are in your 40’s? So young!!!! You have a lot of life ahead of you, and you do not deserve this treatment – at all. I remember that feeling, that horrible feeling of my husband coming home at 4 and 5 in the morning, and lying. The second thing that comes to mind for me to tell you is that I am not a therapist, but there may be a direct link to your depression and your husband cheating on you. The energy in a home when one person is cheating is so low. It drains you before you even get out the bed. I know there are other factors around your depression, and I am not saying that he is the cause, but could be a big factor. I believe that our bodies are sensitive to mistreatment – all kinds.
The next things that comes off strong is you holding this for years (another big trigger that can be causing the depression). For years, Yvette, your mind and body do not deserve this treatment, seriously. You are holding in this secret and he goes on his merry way, cheating? It’s time for a change girlfriend, you are young, and good looking. You don’t have everything together now but with the right attitude you can get there. I almost feel like you are living in jail, like you are in prison. You have access to open the prison door and free yourself, but for whatever reason (good one to ask the therapist) you are not opening the doors. Do you feel you deserve to be free? Are you afraid of being alone?
You asked some questions below about what to do next. You have it within your power to contact a lawyer and tell your husband and let the chips fall where they fall. And the lawyer part, you do not have to wait for that, most divorce lawyers have free consultations, get one. Tell that lawyer everything you can in the brief time and ask him what your options are financially. You might be surprised of your rights as a wife of over 25 years. You have rights. One day at a time, choose something to do for you. It could be reading a book, taking a walk, watching your favorite movie. One thing a day, I want you to slowly build your empowerment up, it’s like a muscle. You work it out and it grows, you may feel weak now, but it’s just temporary. Great things are in store for you, take care.

Yvette September 24, 2013 at 1:26 PM

Hello Jewels,

Thank you so much for your response. You cannot imagine how great it felt to receive your reply, the words of encouragement made me smile.

Since, posting my confession so to speak… I confronted my husband about my feeling and our current living arrangement only to a point. Saying “to a point”, because I do not want to put all my cards on the table until I have more security for myself. Things were pushed where he confessed to the following (1) Not treating me right (2) “staying out late is wrong”. I asked him directly are you cheating and of course he said, “NO” it is not what you think. In my mind the entire time the words “he must think I’m stupid” flashed in my mind. Just had to say to him, that what he is doing is killing me from the inside out. I would rather be by myself then be with someone that no longer wants to be with me. He immediately expressed how much he still loves and is in love with me, that he would be lost without me blahh..blahh. Just told him that his action have destroyed what we have.

He started to cry and expressed how he wants to be with me, but he needs to get himself together….

What was truly surprising that strategically made me start thinking more of my own plan for myself is this.. He does not want to divorce, that he needs time to get himself together and get over all the things he has dealt with over the past years. He does not want to legally separate but he wants to move downstairs in the lower half of our home and I will keep the top level. We can be “not legally “ separated it will give him time to get himself together blahh..blahh. and me of course. , that “legally” separating makes things feel final towards a divorce.

My expression was like are you serious….and he proceeded to plead his case for this path. We can work towards getting back together etc..etc… Just expressed that what he is “doing” is not helping me work out my depression. After losing my father who was truly my best friend. Never entered, my mind that things would ever get this crazy with us but it has and I cannot hold it in anymore.

With the evidence, I hold it is enough information for a DIVORCE not get back with you later. Since this has been going on for some time now and mentally, my mind is thinking of me, myself and I. Truly feel I am at a cross roads, where to the left I will journey to heal and build myself by myself and let the chips fall where they may or go to the right and take this path with him ….try and make it work and see how things end.

Trying to think of this song…hummm I believe it is by Diana Ross… I feel “ It’s my turn” my time just for ME… Please like to know your general thoughts.

Thank you once again for creating this forum for us all to seek support from other women in similar situations and help.

Jewels from USA September 25, 2013 at 12:23 PM

Yvette,
You’re welcome! You took a big step in having that conversation, one step at a time. He started to cry because he knows he is doing wrong by you, who has been there to support him all these years. It seems like you are thinking more about you and taking care of yourself which is important. I wish you the best, keep me posted!

HealingHeart from USA October 13, 2013 at 5:18 PM

Thank you for sharing on this website. It helps to know i am not alone. I feel so alone and am in the process of a painful journey.
This spring, i found out that my husband had an affair with his best friends wife….also a friend of mine. Our families had celebrated our kids birthdays together, holidays together, and family vacations together. I trusted my husband. I trusted my friend. When our families were together, there was never a reason for me to think they were having an affair. It lasted a little over a month, until my husband called it off…saying it was the worst mistake of his life. He did not want to loose me or our precious kids. He realized he was wrong but sadly continued to lie to cover up what he had done.
Unfortunately though, my husband did not tell me himself. I found out about it a year later when the husband of the OW (supposedly my husbands best friend) found out….he called to tell me. Apparently, The OW cheated on her husband many other times since then with several other men. I had no idea she was this kind of person. She did a great acting job, pretending she was religious and had a caring, pure mothers heart…..makes me want to throw up now. During the past year, before i found out, she continued to send my husband explicit pictures of her body( she is 15 years younger than me). Even though my husband had called it off, She tried to get him to go to bed with her again, all the while pretending to be a good friend of mine, apparently enjoying the deceit and playing me for a fool. She would call and try to get our kids together for playdates, just so she could try to get to my husband. My husband felt scared and didn’t know what to do. He told her not to contact either of us, but she ignored him. Eventually, she told her husband everything, and he was devastated that his wife and best friend could do this to him. He called and told me. This has been devastating for our children and our marriage.
Like so many others, i have made so many sacrifices for my husband. I supported him while in college, and i have sacrificed my own career to raise our kids. Financially, i have made it possible for us to own a house, as i had family financial assistance. Then, a few years ago, I moved across country to support him, away from my family and support network. He wanted to move and i did not…but i did to be a supportive wife. How could he do this to me?
I now feel so alone and sad. I have not told family and friends as we are in the process of reconciling. Only our kids know. They needed to know for their own safety as this OW is not mentally stable. I am so angry and hurt that my husband spend my money on her and gave her his time and attention. Also, he potentially endangered me by having unprotected sex. I had to go down and be tested for STD, when i have been faithful! This was humiliating and painful. Also, i had to rip out whole pages from our photo album because i had so many pictures of our families together. I have so many triggers now. I live in fear of running into the OW as we live relatively close. We are not in a financial position to move.. I am so far from my home where i grew up and so very sad. I feel trapped in this town. Before moving across the country, my husband had promised to always be there for me and be my best friend…because i was leaving my home, family and friends.
Now, i cannot trust him. He also struggled with internet porn….the gateway to his affair. I want so much to keep our family together. He is repentant and truly trying. But i am struggling with the pain and resentment every time i look into his face. I now struggle with my own self esteem and depression. I am turning 45 soon and have feelings of inadequacy now. My children have suffered (tween and teenage years). I am trying to be strong for them, but some days i just fall apart. No one knows my pain and struggles. Friends and family do not know. I am alone in my tears. Making love to my husband is very hard as i cannot get the image of him with her out of my mind. Some days are just overwhelmingly sad. I am trying the best i can to keep things together.
As for the Other women who partake in affairs with married men…..you would not steal someone else’s home, even if you did not know them…why? Because it is Wrong! In the same light, you should not consider stealing someone elses husband. He made a life long promise to his wife and i believe married couples belong to each other. Adultery is a horrible form of stealing…..it is wrong no matter what perspective it is looked at. It is selfish and narcissistic.

Jewels from USA October 17, 2013 at 3:59 AM

Healing Heart,
Yes this is a painful experience, especially when the cheating comes from a person you considered a friend. I see you are really struggling with the pain. Are you in counseling? Typically when the affair impacts your self-esteem on a deep level there are some issues of inadequacy (outside of the affair) that the affair brings out, you owe it to yourself to explore those thoughts. Not justifying what he did, but some women can be very forward married or not, and it looks like this women was pursuing him all along, and she was portraying herself as something different. And your husband fell right in. There is something to be said about proximity to other women in marriages (just not sure what to say about it at this point). I know there are different views around this, but I hear stories all the time of the husband sleeping with the nanny, the friend, the secretary – all proximity affairs (women who are around our husbands). One would think our husbands would have some self-restraint.
Anyways, your feelings are common. But remember, he did this, not you. I couldn’t have sex with my ex-husband either. I would literally cry afterwards. I think the most important thing for you to do at this point is to explore your own journey, outside of the one you are taking with your husband. I felt like I sacrifice a great deal as well. Explore if you felt like you are/were consistently putting yourself last in the equation. I think you would benefit from therapy. I know you are not in a place to tell anyone, but keeping all this in will hurt you and start to impact you physically, which is why I recommend therapy if you can do it.
Two more things, first, do not be afraid of seeing the OW. You are 45, 45 is the new 35. You still have a lot of life in you. Let’s compare and see who is the more respected, more ethical women, the one who is married and sleeps around town or you? If you see her I would act like the nothing that she is. I would walk tall knowing that you are so much better and classier than her…..because you are. No fear around this my friend, no fear. She is small compared to you.
Last but not least, I heard a lot of I am far away, I can’t leave, I am stuck.. Even if you are in a difficult situation, that mentality will keep you feeling trapped. I said the same thing, I can’t afford to leave, I have no family close by, I can’t raise kids on my own. Because I kept saying it, my mind was not open to the possibility that maybe I did have options. Once I started changing my mindset I started to realize that I did have options, I may not like the options, but nonetheless, and option is an option. Feeling trapped is never a good emotion to have within a relationship. Slowly but surely start to shift that mindset. Take care!!

Diane from USA October 17, 2013 at 5:08 AM

Hello again:
I was married for 33 years and it does hurt like hell. After 3 years I am finally going to sign my divorce papers and it has taken him this long to finally to it. I have lived on a roller coaster for years but no more for my sake and my kids sake. I too do not want to see the other women and yes I agree that one day I will have to. I will stand tall because I am better than her in everyway. This man was my life since I married at 18 and I will not let him get the best of me. And shame on her for what she has done to me, I cannot forgive or forget what they did to me but time will tell. Today is the start of a new chapter in my book and the old chapter of my life is closed. It will be hell for me today signing the divorce papers but more seeing him.. ( The Ass that he is) I wish you all prays and luck and I really no it is not easy but you are better than that and deserve better than that. It took me a long time to see that I am better than that but I am getting there. I no it is hard because I had no money, no place to call home and no full time job. But I see the light after three long years that I have a real nice apartment, a full time job (which I had no skills) and I have my children and grandchildren. There is hope which you may not think that right now but believe me there is. Ask GOD and he will send his angel to help you, which is what I did…..
Good luck to all of you who are dealing with this because it is hell. And the other women shame on them for being who they are..

Healing Heart from USA October 17, 2013 at 6:32 PM

Thank you so much for your message. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I have been in counseling. The first counselor was a man who was trying to get me to go through a formal forgiveness process only a few days after i found out about the affair! I was not ready to forgive after a few days… I was still extremely angry and processing the news. Since then, i have been seeing a psychologist woman who has been much more realistic and encouraging. She has been suggesting i do some focusing on me at the moment while my husband earns back my trust. Counseling has cost us hundreds of dollars that we just dont have right now…..this too is frustrating…not able to go very often now.
You are right about needing to change my thinking….i am working on that. Been trying to exercise and take a little “me” time when i have time. The affair has made me feel insecure becuase i am so much older than the OW ( by fifteen years.). Although i feel attractive for my age, I just cannot compete with her younger age. It also has thrown my whole view of friendships upside down. I am struggling with trusting people….i am usually a friendly and outgoing personality but putting up a protective barrier at the moment.
Unfortunately, it was my husband who first pursued the OW. Once he showed interest, she took that and ran. He began flirting with her on Facebook and complimenting her. My husband said he was looking for it at that time….he was going through a hard time at work and was selfishly wanting an escape….it was like drug to him. After a few weeks he tried to call it off as he said he began to come to his senses. For her, it was sexual and emotional and she did not want to let go.
There have been a lot of questions in my head as to whether this was the only affair…he claims it was….praying this is the truth but do not ever want to be played the fool again.
I was married briefly to another man while in my early twenties, until he decided he wanted to ” sew his wild oats” too. So, i have been a victim of a disloyal husband before. He was my college sweetheart. This was horribly painful but i was so young and did not have kids yet, so i picked myself up and moved on….shortly after, i met the man who is now my husband. We have been together almost twenty years. After this affair that my now husband had with his best friends wife, i have now told him that i need to make time to care of me….i have spent my whole adult life sacrificing and taking care of others. I need to take time to grow spiritually and mentally and emotionally. I have been taken for granted for a long time. I also need to take time enjoying my kids as they will be grown and gone all too soon. Unfortunately this is easier said than done, as we are in a challenging financial position and i am needing to work at the moment. This is what makes me feel trapped….cannot afford to sell(houses are not selling here) …..cannot afford to move back to home town as price of living is out of our range. I have to learn to be content here….not easy with the psycho OW. You right though, that i should hold my head high, as i have been a loyal wife and mother.
Thank you for encouraging words. Where you at in your journey now?
Blessings

Jewels from USA October 21, 2013 at 3:26 AM

Diane/Healing Heart

Diane – Thanks for the update, I know it’s tough but glad to hear after 3 years that you are moving on. Progress is good, even if it is painful.

Healing Heart – You’re welcome. I am glad that you were able to get some therapy, and that you were smart enough to find one that is right for you, which is important. I also understand about therapy and costs, you can only do so much. Keep focusing on you, the one thing you have control over is your thoughts and how you look and react to life.

As far as me? I divorced my ex-husband, and lost everything financially in the process. But I am lucky because I had a job, so although financially empty, the paycheck allowed me to move into my own apartment and provide for my kids. I have two young kids, and I ‘think’ I have forgiven my ex-husband. We talk often about the kids and he is active in their life. I said ‘think’ because my 7 year old senses that I have tension towards him and her and it is impacting her, and I am working on showing her more affection and that we (daddy and me) are not enemies.

I started dating again after being/living alone for almost 3 years. And realized I still need to process some emotions that I thought were healed. You never really know if you are truly healed until you are in relation to another. Based on that and the issues my daughter is having, I will probably look to take some therapy sessions myself soon. Thanks for asking!!

Jessica/Feeling Like a Fool from USA April 25, 2014 at 10:33 AM

Hello,

So, I am 3 weeks in to finding out my husband cheated on me while out of town. The heartache and devastation that I feel cannot be put into words. Long story short, he met a girl in a bar, slept with her the first night; came home for the weekend,was with me, went back the following Monday, slept with her every night that week and then came home and I found out.
He swears he is sorry, it was the worst mistake of his life. He loves me, blah, blah, blah, however, I just don’t know if I can forgive him. While he was out hanging out in the bar, drinking, and cheating on me, I was home working a full-time job, taking care of our home, a 3 year old and an 11 month old. How do I begin to heal? I mean how can he dare say he loves me, yet have done this to me? I don’t get it.

Jewels from USA April 26, 2014 at 4:47 PM

Hi Jessica,

I remember how incredibly hurt I was when my husband cheating on me while I felt like I was stressed as I had ever been trying to raise two small kids. It is difficult to process because you really don’t have time. Be easy on yourself. Does he have a job where he travels frequently or was this a one time thing? It has been 3 weeks and I don’t recommend any major decisions on staying/leaving until you had more time to process. It’s so difficult deciding when your husband is staring you in the face telling you he is sorry but he screwed another woman. It’s hard to put that together and figure out what you are suppose to do. But talk less and watch more, his actions over the next couple of weeks will tell you exactly what you need to do. Take care!

NJ from UK May 13, 2014 at 2:54 PM

Hi I have just come across your web page thank you.
Two years ago I found out my husband of 8 years was cheating on me with a women who worked for him I had met her on several occasions. I came across his phone by accident as I trusted him implicitly and I picked up his phone to check the time she had just sent a text. I found messages pictures of herself in her underwear. He had just been away pretending he was on a course when in fact he had been with her. He said it had been going on for 4 months and it was because we were both working full time with young children and I did not appreciate him. He begged me to stay and played happy families with me and the boys. I become part time and eventually left work so I could be there for my family. He never worked late or stayed out so I didn’t need to worry. I was told she had left the work place and we both commuted to work together. I was assured in the fact he was always home and he was very tentertive to my insecurities about the affair. We celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary I felt low he was not very intrested in me and I always felt down. He had started to make me feel like I was insecure and that I had issues. I checked his bag not sure what I was looking for and I found a phone there were text messages to her. I called her it had been going on for three years it had never stopped she was now living 5 min from my house so he could see her without raising suspicion. It sounds like he would pop out for a quick hour and see her. With all due respect to her she is 9 years younger than him and was happy to accept whatever he gave.He had told her those 7 points on the web page about his unhappy marraige. I kicked him out and it has been 5 weeks. He still contuied lyinging about the affair and where she lives. He says he is sorry and wants to be back with us. I can’t believe he has been the master of manipulation for so long. The man I loved and cared for and even now I can see him ploting his speeches to me. He is playing super dad to the boys and is buying an apartment near by so he can see them. My children are torn apart they don’t get why he is not living with us. I am in the process of going back to work to support me and the boys.I am keeping it together for the kids but I am smoking loads and have lost loads of weight.

Angela May 16, 2014 at 8:16 AM

I am so sick! My husband didn’t cheat with another person, but he became addicted to porn durning my pregnancy with our 2nd child, even though I was willing and begged for sex. He removed me from this relationship and it feels like he cheated. Anyway, I discovered last weekend(of all weekends!!!), but he has been traveling all week. He’ll be home tonight, and I feel sick. I am so torn about him coming home. Part of me wants him home, for the kids, and another part of me isn’t ready to deal with this. I was good all week, but now that he’s coming home I cannot concentrate, I cant eat…ugh! This just Fing sucks!
Anyway, thank you for this page, it has become my new favorite!

Jewels from USA May 19, 2014 at 7:06 PM

Hi NJ,
Hugs to you, it always hurt more the second time. I am not sure if this helps at all, but this is so typical. If a woman outside of the marriage is giving him the opportunity to be a great dad and husband, and she will take leftovers, that is a pretty good deal for a husband. And we live in a society where there are tons on women that will gladly take our husbands leftover time. He doesn’t want to leave you and the boys, but he wants to be with her as well. And he should have been honest with you the first time. I bet you she is nowhere near the woman that you are, that is why he is begging to come back. With her, it probably was just an opportunity to get some extra sex with little investment. With you, he had an entire life. And it makes me sad that he was too greedy to understand the enormous risk with not telling you the truth. Lies hurt. And he will have to deal with the consequences. Unfortunately, it will impact you and the kids as well. My ex-husband was like your husband, great father and very active. I have a feeling no matter what he will still be there for the boys. You make sure you take care of yourself. I understand smoking can be a way to ease the tension but you will need to eventually come face to face with reality, which is you are a great woman, this happens all the time (my ex had the second phone thing as well….), and that no experience in life is given to you unless you can handle it. Take care.

NJ May 20, 2014 at 3:20 AM

Thank you your words are much appreciated.

NJ May 20, 2014 at 3:22 AM

Thank you your words are much appreciated :-)

Belinda from New Zealand June 16, 2014 at 1:01 AM

Hello Jewels

I posted originally on August 6 2011. Back then I was beyond despair and wondered if I could ever pick myself back up from the dark black hole I was in. After almost three years and a lot of help from family and friends (and medical professionals after a break down) life is good. Life is very good. I have a fantastic new job, a beautiful daughter who I have on a week on week off basis and I have a wonderful caring man in my life.

Everything you said would happen did – the ex’s relationship with the young girl fizzled – well it actually crashed in a burning heap. She didn’t want the responsibility of looking after a child and from what little he told me they fought constantly. Last year, he tried to come back to me, while he was still living with her – and trying to strike up a relationship with a new woman he is now living with.

I still carry hurt – my new partner is aware of this and is very kind and considerate. My big fear is that he will hurt me like my ex, that he will decide that for whatever reason I am not good enough for him anymore and cheat. He understands the way I feel and he is helping me work through these feelings. it’s good to have someone who supports you rather than uses every opportunity to kick you mentally – by telling you that you are not good enough, that you are not a woman, you are not wanted, you are used, you are not what any may will ever find desireable.

I know there is life after a husband cheating and leaving and it is a good life, for the first time in a long time I am happy. I know in myself I must be better because I no longer want for bad things to happen to him – instead I cherish my life and the good things that happen to me. I now wonder what I ever saw in him. I only wish now I had the strength to kick him out when I knew he was cheating rather than to sacrifice my self worth to hold on to something that was not worth trying to save (a lesson learned :-)

To the people on here that have just started their journey – I promise things do get better. Be kind to yourself, let yourself grieve for a life you have lost, dreams that will never come true – but trust that you can live again, that you will find happiness and that the dark days do not hang around forever.

Jewels from USA June 17, 2014 at 6:15 AM

Hi Belinda,

So good to hear from you, I often think about everyone I interact with and appreciate the updates. I can feel the happiness in your words and it is much deserved. It seems like you have a very supportive partner to help you through the emotions which makes a world of difference. Thanks for taking the time to share such a wonderful update, hugs to you!

Legal gal from Illinois June 26, 2014 at 6:04 PM

Just found out (June 7) my husband of 18 years (this march) cheated on me not with one but three women (2 sexually) and one of them for 5 years. I’m just crying all the time because I’m so hurt. I have children and it’s so hard to be strong because I’m just hurting. I can’t breathe I can’t think I don’t want to eat. I kicked him out of the house because it’s the right thing to do. He has shown no remorse that would lead me to believe he still loves me. He only showed it one time after he was caught and nothing since then. I’m in the devastation period because all I’ve been doing is crying.

nicole July 2, 2014 at 10:52 AM

Hello everyone!! I have a question that I have been wondering about. Well, since my boyfriend had an affair so many things make me think about it. Actually, I have never had such a hard time getting past something! I found out back in December 2013. It is still on my mind every day. I try to move past it but it’s not easy. We have been together for the last 5 years straight but on and off for atleast 14 years. We have 2 kids and have really been through alot. He has cheated in the past, prior to kids but this was the first time in the 5 most recent years. All of the other times he cheated were one time things. They were not affairs, nor was our relationship an actual adult relationship. He was in and out of jail, each time he went in I would find out who all he cheated on me with, I would eventually leave him, he would get out, we would get back together. So I try to tell him that this time was different and way more hurtful, plus it went on over a month and there were I love you text messages and he ran to her again after he was caught. Just wanted to give a little back ground. So now back to what I am wondering if any of you felt this way. I think I am jealous that he got to have an affair!! I am jealous that he got to have that new and exciting sex! We all have been there. When you first get with someone who you like, you want to see them all the time, be with them, kiss them, touch them. I have not had that in years!! Even now that we are trying to make it work. Now, it’s just weird! Everytime we have sex, I think of him with her. I am even more insecure now than I ever was in the past. I know that he would have sex with her for hours (with breaks ofcourse) but with me it’s a few minutes and he’s done and I’m left feeling like what does she have that I don’t??? The only thing I can come up with is the newness of a relationship!! The excitment of getting to know that person intimately, wanting to touch them and kiss them all over. That is something you can never get back after so many years. A part of me would like to have an affair just to feel that connection. The perfect karma would be to go with the husband of the girl my boyfriend was with. That would really hit home for her, the one whose life is exactly the same since their affair!! I would love for her to feel how I feel!! Does anyone else know what I am talking about???

Obviously I am not over any of this yet!!! LOL!!

nicole July 2, 2014 at 11:03 AM

I also wanted to tell “legal girl” it does get better (a little). He will eventually come running back to you once he realizes what he has done. I know how you feel, it is so hard with kids. I was crying all the time too! It is very hard to act like everything is going to be ok when in your mind you don’t know what is going to happen. My son took it really hard, he was 9 at the time and knew more than he should have. That was because he was with me all the time and we live in a small apartment, it wasn’t hard for him to figure out what was going on. My bf blames me for him being mad at him. It wasn’t me who cheated!! If he doesn’t come back to you, don’t stress it because it will not be easy for you to get over what he did. I can’t imagine finding out i was being lied to for 5 years straight!!! Do you have any close friends to talk too?? You def need someone to talk to. I know how I was after a one month affair, you should try to talk to a counselor, someone who will be willing to listen to the same things over and over. You need someone who will stand by you no matter what you do. whether you take him back or not. I wish you luck and hang in there. It does get easier but I still cry atleast once almost everyday. It’s crazy how infedelity destroys you!!

Jewels from USA July 20, 2014 at 6:20 PM

Hi Nicole and Legal Gal,

Legal Gal,

I am sorry you are in so much pain, share an update when you get a chance, the more promising part of what you wrote is that you are in the devastation period. That means you recognize it is a period, a phase, a moment in time. It cuts like a knife when you first find out, I couldn’t eat or sleep either. But things will get better in time. Don’t try to rush this period, just let it take it’s course. Your husband is not remorseful because he has probably trained his brain to think that his actions were justified. My ex-husband did the same thing, his excuse was I was not affectionate so in his mind that ‘justified’ his cheating. He never said that to me, but I have interacted with enough cheating men to know that is what they do. That is how they can cheat and not feel bad. Your husband is in his own stage, you can’t force him to see or feel your pain, so don’t try. Just focus on you and trying to maintain strength in this stage. Force yourself to eat. I know it’s so hard with the kids going through something like this but you have the capacity to get through this. Hugs to you.

Nicole – Hi Nicole, you and your boyfriend have been through alot – and most of it seems to be on him, one night standing, cheating, jail. At one point you are going to have to look yourself in the mirror and say “Do I deserve this?” Part of your desire to cheat or get back at him may be your mind seeking better. Because I will tell you I don’t know you at all, but I know that there are men in the world with alot less drama than he has. There is dysfunction and unfortunately he hasn’t really shown too much indication that he is not going to cheat again. I know you have 2 kids and have been through alot. And yes I would feel a little jealous as well if he is having these escapades with other women while you take care of the kids. You also have to worry about STD’s ect. So just be mindful of these things as you think through the next phase of your life. And yes, I think anytime you are in a new relationship the excitement of new goes a long way. But it fades, and if your boyfriend is attached to that excitement phase, that is going to be a long and stressful life for you. Take care, I wish you the best!

Legal Gal from Illinois July 20, 2014 at 6:48 PM

Jewels—

Thank you for your reply. It means a lot to know that you comment back. I am seeing a therapist and it is very helpful that I have someone that listens to me.
I will continue to read your website because I find that it also helps me.

Nicole—

Thank you for your comment. I am talking to a therapist and I feel it’s helping slowly but surely and yes to know that the longest affair was with a married woman upset me very much. I also find myself crying at odd times because I still love him but eventually with time and help I’ll be able to one day forgive him. I just can’t right now.

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