I always tell my husband, it wasn’t the act of cheating that I am so mad about, it is the other stuff. My husband was supposed to be the protector. He is the one that makes sure the door is locked and that nobody messes with his wife. He is also the type that is slightly controlling. It’s very subtle, to the point where I almost did not notice it. He would say things like, ‘oh, you want to go out tonight, why don’t we go out together?’.or ‘why did you stay out so late at the corporate holiday party’, or ‘why do you always go out with so and so’. But of course when he goes out alone, I don’t complain. And of course, in order to make him feel more secure, I went out less (which is something I enjoy). I am angry that I sacrificed a part of my happiness to make him feel more secure in his cheating (the less I went out, the less of a chance I was going what he was). At the end of the day, I am madder at myself for accepting putting my wants to the side.
Dear Cheating Husband: You cannot control me anymore. I will not put my happiness on hold to make you feel better about yourself. If I go out with girlfriends and we want to stay out late, then that is what will happen. If I go to a function, I will not look at the clock and run home to feel your insecurity, because at the end of the day, no matter what I do, it’s not my job to validate you by not doing what I like. I am tired of being questioned and controlled. You cheated, not me.
So my husband knows he slept with the ‘other women’ and continues to try to control and make me feel bad for going out. Not anymore. I will be so happy the day I can go out on my own, without having to answer to anybody. I even heard there are relationships where women can go out with friends and have some alone time without feeling bad or being questioned. I bet those husbands are not cheating!! Stay strong ladies, till next time.
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I just felt the need to comment on this one. My husband lets me do whatever I want with no questions or negative comments. He just tells me to have fun! I’ve always told him the same..little did I know what kind of fun he was having with his “cousin Jason”. Here I thought I was being the awesome wife he never had before by letting him have all the “guy time” he needed only to find out that Jason was really Rachel. He really does have a cousin named Jason, but he was not such good friends with him as he had me believing. So the “cool” husbands cheat too. I just found out 2 weeks ago tomorrow. I’m struggling bad with staying vs. kicking him out (my mother owns the home we live in). I have no job, but I am looking. I’ve been reading your posts today because I feel so alone. None of my friends have ever been married so I have no one to talk to. I told my mother, and she says it’s my decision to make. I will say that he has never blamed me for what he did. He has accepted full responsibility for his choices. He says he’s 110% committed to making us work. He doesn’t keep his phone on him at all times anymore so I can “look whenever I want to”. He is willing to do whatever it takes to build my trust in him for as long as it takes. We’ll see. I did marry him for better or worse. I believe in that vow, and have decided to try to make this work. There is a small part of me that at times I tell myself that as soon as I can afford to kick him out..I will. Who knows..I just take it 1 day at a time. Thank you for doing this blog..for yourself and all of us good women out there.
Hello Dana,
It’s interested, I wasn’t sure where the ‘Jason’ thing was going, I for sure thought you were going to tell me your husband was gay. So…..cool husbands cheat as well? Darn!!!!!
In any event, you mentioned you are thinking about staying or leaving. You are so early into finding out, be easy on yourself. No one is forcing you to make a decision by next week. Now if you contact me a year from now still going back and forth on what to do, then I would push for you to choose.
Things seem promising for you and your husband. The fact that he takes full responsibility – HUGE plus. The fact that he is open with his phone, HUGE. I think you have a good shot at making it work. Just remember that finding out about an affair is a traumatic situation, so I think it would be good for both of you to get some marriage counseling to work through recovery, don’t try to do it alone unless you have to, especially since he is so open and willing to work on recovery. Best of luck – keep me posted!