If your husband has cheated on you, then you are very familiar with the type of anger you feel after the affair. It is a type of anger you did not even know you possessed. The week you found out about your cheating husband, you probably engaged in some verbal and physical activity that you are not proud of (it’s ok, we all have the post-affair angry moments).
But what if you are still angry a year or two after the affair (Very common, so do not feel bad if you are in this position)?
A year after the affair, I was still living with my ex-husband. At this point, I said I was leaving, but took no action, I was still a bit overwhelmed between sadness, anger, and pain, and just did not know how to deal with all of it. I started to have some health problems. I had been to the emergency room, visited several doctors and they could not figure out what was wrong with me, all the tests came back clear. One day, the pain was so bad I had to call off work for a couple of days. And during my time off, I had some time for self-reflection, and made a realization. I was still holding tightly to the anger of the affair. I was still holding on to being mad that he was not acting the way I wanted him to after the infidelity. I was still holding on to the anger around my dream of staying together forever being shattered. I was still holding on to being mad that he was not stepping up and taking action to help the marriage. All of the was bottled up inside of me, a year later. While laying on the bed that day, I made a promised to myself to work hard to release the anger and let go of the anger. My cheating husband wasn’t stressed, but I was. My cheating husband wasn’t having severe pain, but I was.
I literally had to sit down with each of my anger emotions and mentally choose to release it. I kept telling myself I need to do this because I deserve it, and I will not continue to be mentally punished for my husband’s actions. It took me months, and it was not easy, but eventually, I did it, I released those emotions. And guess what? The severe pain stopped in due time. For me, there was a direct correlation between me releasing those anger filled emotions and my physical pain.
It is my personal opinion (I am not a doctor, just sharing my belief) that holding on to the emotion of anger over time can manifest into health problems. Your body knows when it is stressed. Again, the first couple of months after the affair, it is normal to be angry, but if it is past a year, and you still have strong emotions of anger or sadness, do not be afraid to reach out to a professional for help. Go to the doctor, look up some therapists. As women we spend so much time taking care of everyone else. Make the investment to help yourself. Your body will thank you later!!
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
My husband of 28 years just recently confessed to having cheating on me with four different women over the course of our marriage. The worst part was finding out that the first two occured during our first two years of marriage and as recently as 6 years ago. The early cheating hurts the most because our marriage was strong then. We were young, our sex life was vibrant and we were trying to conceive our son. I have nursed this man back to health from the brink of death three times over the years and feel so betrayed. The last three years of our marriage have been pretty bad and I became interested in an old boyfriend that looked me up on Facebook after being treated so poorly for so many years and listening to him complain every single day. I am frantic and want a divorce but am terrified. My youngest is getting ready to go off to college in a few months. I knew the marriage was severely broken three years ago but this has put the final nails in the coffin.
Hi Jane,
It appears from what you wrote that the marriage has not been so good the past couple of years. Why do you think he decided to tell you recently of his affairs years ago? I can understand how hurt you feel because the wonderful memory of those great years for you are now tarnished because of his affairs. But I want you to know that just because he admitted to cheating, doesn’t make your experience during that time not valid. If those years were great to you, then that experience is yours to keep, he can not take that away. I think the question for you at this time is what are you afraid of. Is is a fear of being alone? A fear of starting over again? I think you would benefit from some time really thinking about what you want in the next phase of your life. And make sure you leave for the right reasons. If you leave because of your old fb boyfriend, you might be leaving for the wrong reasons. The reason to leave has to come from within in order for it to be of greatest value. Stay strong and take your time and think about your goals for the next phase of your life. Once you do that, the answer will come on how to handle your fears.
After 21 years of marriage and repeated affairs I recently filed for divorce. I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off me. I came to realize I wasn’t in love with my husband any more. I was in love with a memory of who he was when we first met. I still deal with the pain of the affairs and the way he treated me not to mention the loss of what I thought my future would hold….happily married. I hope other women who are dealing with a constant cheater can find strength to get out. Everyone deserves to be happy and to be with someone who treats them with respect and love.
Thanks for sharing Cami, there are many women who are dealing with your exact situation, but haven’t left because they are very fearful of the unknown, after being married 20 plus years. I am so glad you feel better now that you filed. That is very deep that you were in love with the memory, and had to mourn the future you had envisioned. I think that is what is hard for many of us, dealing with the new reality, because it is so different from what we expected. But if we take a step back and dig deep, what we will find is that the new reality has the potential to be greater than the vision we originally planned for ourselves. Take care!!
I also have dealt with this for years… 12. It started when we were first married in early 2001 and continues today… with periods of him being faithful (at least physically). I am talking to a lawyer tomorrow to take the next steps to take care of myself. I’ve managed my husband’s affairs for 12 years. I won’t do it anymore! I think I’ve dealt with the anger while staying married. Now, I’m ready to move on!
Hi Jewel
This is a fantastic website…everything that is written – regarding feelings, thoughts and actions following the discovery of an affair is so painfully exact. Only people that have had these experiences can ever fully understand….it really helps to read the updates…even after 16 years.
My ex husband recently contacted me – after no contact of 16 years. It was a painful divorce and i left him because i felt it was the right thing for me, not because i stopped loving him.
Am confused why he contacted me as he is still with the woman he had an affair with and now has children. I am very non committal in any replies but i realise i still have feelings for him. He was my first love.
I am older and wiser now and although we have been chatting through email, i know i would never truly feel the love i once felt for him. Its a lovely bitter sweet memory now and the wound has been opened a little. So there is a mixture now of a little pain still but love. I never thought it would be as i boxed up my marriage break up in a box and got on with my life. Maybe i shouldnt have – maybe i should have cried more, dealt with the issues more at the time and possibly wouldnt be feeling like this 16 years later now?
But since reading all the blogs on your site – its really truly helped me…to understand why things happened, to understand me, and to realise why i left, and why others too stay.
It may be 16 years later but its helping me alot. To simply understand.
So thank you for this site.
I wish every one going through pain – to find in time – inner peace and happiness….lean on each other and it will help.
One lovely saying i will always love is ‘things happen the way they are supposed to…’
It’s so very true xxxx
Elise,
Thank you for the kind words, much appreciated. Reading your story makes me think that you went through your journey alone, and it is very difficult to process such pain alone. One of the main reason’s I created the site is because I did not want anyone to feel as alone as I felt when my husband cheated. I am glad that you have found some healing in the site and I wish you continued healing in your journey.
Hi,
I am in slight pain today. I went online and typed in still angry at my husband for verbally cheating on me. Not once, but 3 times! The first one was last Feb. we were pregnant with our daughter who will be 1 in July. I had no idea it was happening. They were calling and text one another. She lives in Florida. It started on fb. Only reason he confessed is bc her husband found out and threaten to tell me if my husband didn’t. It shattered me. It took months to even look at him. Second time, was an ex old girlfriend. He just spoke to her like he speaks to me. Then, The last one I found out the day after we moved in our new home which was suppose to a fresh start for us. I never got to read everything g between what they wrote bc he’d delete it before I could. But if her husband threaten up kill himself bc she was leaving then I can imagine what was said for her to wanna leave him to be with my husband. He threaten to leave me if I tried contacting her to ask her why would she wanna break a family up when she has her own. 3 times in 1 year. Never physical but verbal hurts just as bad. There are days I wish it would be physical be easier to leave. We have a 5 year old son and our daughter who will be 1 in July and married 6 years next month. I’m still her for my kids. I’ve gone to therapy all she says is I’m suppose to compliment him and he won’t have to turn to someone else. It’s really hard to do that when someone you love so dearly pretty much rips your heart out. I have my days where I am completely fine then there are days where I just flip and bring it all up. I’ve lived with my dad cheating on my mom all my life. My brothers cheating on their girlfriends. I thought I had the 1 out a million that is kind and amazing and would never be capable of something so cruel. But I guess not. It’s a struggle. I try not to bring it up when it’s on my mind. It hurts and he just says it was a friend talking to a friend. Well you don’t talk to your friend like you talk to your wife.
I apologize as these may not be like most post, but it’s bothering me as I type this and just needed to vent.. Thank you! I will keep each and one of you in my prayers and pray god heal the pain.
Hi Dana,
The first thing that pops into my mind after reading your post is that you need a new therapist if that is all she is saying. That actually angers me that she blames you for his act of cheating. I promise you that you can tell him everyday that he is blue in the face that he is amazing, that is not going to prevent him from cheating. He prevents himself from cheating and either he is ready to stop, or not.
Unfortunately the problem you have now is that he has violated the trust multiple times, and he might think that he can continue. I want you to think deep and take a step back and try to evaluate the consequences that happen. The first time he cheated, did you still come home and make dinner? Do you still act normal in every other way? If so, then what is his incentive for not cheating, he has got the best of both worlds?
I know it is hard, with kids and just buying a house, I was in that exact situation when my husband cheated. But just know that you always have a choice, always.
Last but not least, not all men cheat, I promise you that