Cheating Spouse and Anger

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If your husband has cheated on you, then you are very familiar with the type of anger you feel after the affair. It is a type of anger you did not even know you possessed. The week you found out about your cheating husband, you probably engaged in some verbal and physical activity that you are not proud of (it’s ok, we all have the post-affair angry moments).

But what if you are still angry a year or two after the affair (Very common, so do not feel bad if you are in this position)?

A year after the affair, I was still living with my ex-husband. At this point, I said I was leaving, but took no action, I was still a bit overwhelmed between sadness, anger, and pain, and just did not know how to deal with all of it. I started to have some health problems. I had been to the emergency room, visited several doctors and they could not figure out what was wrong with me, all the tests came back clear. One day, the pain was so bad I had to call off work for a couple of days. And during my time off, I had some time for self-reflection, and made a realization. I was still holding tightly to the anger of the affair. I was still holding on to being mad that he was not acting the way I wanted him to after the infidelity. I was still holding on to the anger around my dream of staying together forever being shattered. I was still holding on to being mad that he was not stepping up and taking action to help the marriage. All of the was bottled up inside of me, a year later. While laying on the bed that day, I made a promised to myself to work hard to release the anger and let go of the anger. My cheating husband wasn’t stressed, but I was. My cheating husband wasn’t having severe pain, but I was.

I literally had to sit down with each of my anger emotions and mentally choose to release it. I kept telling myself I need to do this because I deserve it, and I will not continue to be mentally punished for my husband’s actions. It took me months, and it was not easy, but eventually, I did it, I released those emotions. And guess what? The severe pain stopped in due time. For me, there was a direct correlation between me releasing those anger filled emotions and my physical pain.

It is my personal opinion (I am not a doctor, just sharing my belief) that holding on to the emotion of anger over time can manifest into health problems. Your body knows when it is stressed. Again, the first couple of months after the affair, it is normal to be angry, but if it is past a year, and you still have strong emotions of anger or sadness, do not be afraid to reach out to a professional for help. Go to the doctor, look up some therapists. As women we spend so much time taking care of everyone else. Make the investment to help yourself. Your body will thank you later!!

  • Jane December 10, 2012, 4:14 PM

    My husband of 28 years just recently confessed to having cheating on me with four different women over the course of our marriage. The worst part was finding out that the first two occured during our first two years of marriage and as recently as 6 years ago. The early cheating hurts the most because our marriage was strong then. We were young, our sex life was vibrant and we were trying to conceive our son. I have nursed this man back to health from the brink of death three times over the years and feel so betrayed. The last three years of our marriage have been pretty bad and I became interested in an old boyfriend that looked me up on Facebook after being treated so poorly for so many years and listening to him complain every single day. I am frantic and want a divorce but am terrified. My youngest is getting ready to go off to college in a few months. I knew the marriage was severely broken three years ago but this has put the final nails in the coffin.

    • Jewels December 18, 2012, 12:23 AM

      Hi Jane,

      It appears from what you wrote that the marriage has not been so good the past couple of years. Why do you think he decided to tell you recently of his affairs years ago? I can understand how hurt you feel because the wonderful memory of those great years for you are now tarnished because of his affairs. But I want you to know that just because he admitted to cheating, doesn’t make your experience during that time not valid. If those years were great to you, then that experience is yours to keep, he can not take that away. I think the question for you at this time is what are you afraid of. Is is a fear of being alone? A fear of starting over again? I think you would benefit from some time really thinking about what you want in the next phase of your life. And make sure you leave for the right reasons. If you leave because of your old fb boyfriend, you might be leaving for the wrong reasons. The reason to leave has to come from within in order for it to be of greatest value. Stay strong and take your time and think about your goals for the next phase of your life. Once you do that, the answer will come on how to handle your fears.

  • Cami December 18, 2012, 11:26 AM

    After 21 years of marriage and repeated affairs I recently filed for divorce. I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off me. I came to realize I wasn’t in love with my husband any more. I was in love with a memory of who he was when we first met. I still deal with the pain of the affairs and the way he treated me not to mention the loss of what I thought my future would hold….happily married. I hope other women who are dealing with a constant cheater can find strength to get out. Everyone deserves to be happy and to be with someone who treats them with respect and love.

    • Jewels December 19, 2012, 12:26 AM

      Thanks for sharing Cami, there are many women who are dealing with your exact situation, but haven’t left because they are very fearful of the unknown, after being married 20 plus years. I am so glad you feel better now that you filed. That is very deep that you were in love with the memory, and had to mourn the future you had envisioned. I think that is what is hard for many of us, dealing with the new reality, because it is so different from what we expected. But if we take a step back and dig deep, what we will find is that the new reality has the potential to be greater than the vision we originally planned for ourselves. Take care!!

  • Jen December 27, 2012, 5:16 PM

    I also have dealt with this for years… 12. It started when we were first married in early 2001 and continues today… with periods of him being faithful (at least physically). I am talking to a lawyer tomorrow to take the next steps to take care of myself. I’ve managed my husband’s affairs for 12 years. I won’t do it anymore! I think I’ve dealt with the anger while staying married. Now, I’m ready to move on!

  • Elise January 29, 2013, 1:15 PM

    Hi Jewel
    This is a fantastic website…everything that is written – regarding feelings, thoughts and actions following the discovery of an affair is so painfully exact. Only people that have had these experiences can ever fully understand….it really helps to read the updates…even after 16 years.
    My ex husband recently contacted me – after no contact of 16 years. It was a painful divorce and i left him because i felt it was the right thing for me, not because i stopped loving him.
    Am confused why he contacted me as he is still with the woman he had an affair with and now has children. I am very non committal in any replies but i realise i still have feelings for him. He was my first love.
    I am older and wiser now and although we have been chatting through email, i know i would never truly feel the love i once felt for him. Its a lovely bitter sweet memory now and the wound has been opened a little. So there is a mixture now of a little pain still but love. I never thought it would be as i boxed up my marriage break up in a box and got on with my life. Maybe i shouldnt have – maybe i should have cried more, dealt with the issues more at the time and possibly wouldnt be feeling like this 16 years later now?
    But since reading all the blogs on your site – its really truly helped me…to understand why things happened, to understand me, and to realise why i left, and why others too stay.
    It may be 16 years later but its helping me alot. To simply understand.
    So thank you for this site.
    I wish every one going through pain – to find in time – inner peace and happiness….lean on each other and it will help.
    One lovely saying i will always love is ‘things happen the way they are supposed to…’
    It’s so very true xxxx

    • Jewels January 30, 2013, 7:04 AM

      Elise,

      Thank you for the kind words, much appreciated. Reading your story makes me think that you went through your journey alone, and it is very difficult to process such pain alone. One of the main reason’s I created the site is because I did not want anyone to feel as alone as I felt when my husband cheated. I am glad that you have found some healing in the site and I wish you continued healing in your journey.

  • Dana April 16, 2013, 7:02 PM

    Hi,

    I am in slight pain today. I went online and typed in still angry at my husband for verbally cheating on me. Not once, but 3 times! The first one was last Feb. we were pregnant with our daughter who will be 1 in July. I had no idea it was happening. They were calling and text one another. She lives in Florida. It started on fb. Only reason he confessed is bc her husband found out and threaten to tell me if my husband didn’t. It shattered me. It took months to even look at him. Second time, was an ex old girlfriend. He just spoke to her like he speaks to me. Then, The last one I found out the day after we moved in our new home which was suppose to a fresh start for us. I never got to read everything g between what they wrote bc he’d delete it before I could. But if her husband threaten up kill himself bc she was leaving then I can imagine what was said for her to wanna leave him to be with my husband. He threaten to leave me if I tried contacting her to ask her why would she wanna break a family up when she has her own. 3 times in 1 year. Never physical but verbal hurts just as bad. There are days I wish it would be physical be easier to leave. We have a 5 year old son and our daughter who will be 1 in July and married 6 years next month. I’m still her for my kids. I’ve gone to therapy all she says is I’m suppose to compliment him and he won’t have to turn to someone else. It’s really hard to do that when someone you love so dearly pretty much rips your heart out. I have my days where I am completely fine then there are days where I just flip and bring it all up. I’ve lived with my dad cheating on my mom all my life. My brothers cheating on their girlfriends. I thought I had the 1 out a million that is kind and amazing and would never be capable of something so cruel. But I guess not. It’s a struggle. I try not to bring it up when it’s on my mind. It hurts and he just says it was a friend talking to a friend. Well you don’t talk to your friend like you talk to your wife.

    I apologize as these may not be like most post, but it’s bothering me as I type this and just needed to vent.. Thank you! I will keep each and one of you in my prayers and pray god heal the pain.

    • Jewels April 17, 2013, 5:07 PM

      Hi Dana,

      The first thing that pops into my mind after reading your post is that you need a new therapist if that is all she is saying. That actually angers me that she blames you for his act of cheating. I promise you that you can tell him everyday that he is blue in the face that he is amazing, that is not going to prevent him from cheating. He prevents himself from cheating and either he is ready to stop, or not.

      Unfortunately the problem you have now is that he has violated the trust multiple times, and he might think that he can continue. I want you to think deep and take a step back and try to evaluate the consequences that happen. The first time he cheated, did you still come home and make dinner? Do you still act normal in every other way? If so, then what is his incentive for not cheating, he has got the best of both worlds?

      I know it is hard, with kids and just buying a house, I was in that exact situation when my husband cheated. But just know that you always have a choice, always.

      Last but not least, not all men cheat, I promise you that :)

  • crushed July 11, 2013, 7:54 PM

    I found your site and thanks, it helps. I was trying to tell myself that my situation wasn’t the same as these…not as desperate, but it is. Sad but true. My husband is not trustworthy he has cheated (claims he did not have sex..thanks Bill Clinton) so it is not technically cheating. He blamed me for the first round and then he blamed me for the next round too..and was so convinced that I was cheating that he put a listening device on my phone. This last one was the worst, again he says he did not do anything but send pictures and send emails and only meeting in person twice. He is sad and has apologized he is afraid he is going to lose his life as he knows it. I don’t doubt that he loves me, but he can’t possibly love me the way I need to be loved. I would never do what he did and it kills me inside that he has so little respect for me. This last one was just a few weeks ago and I am so mad and so sad, it feels like something died and it did…what died was the hope that I could ever forgive and forget again.

    • Jewels July 14, 2013, 8:17 PM

      Crushed
      You are right, something does die with you when you find out your husband has cheated, it’s like your dream of what you wanted your husband to be and stand for dies, and it is heartbreaking.
      The problem I see with your husband is that he is not taking responsibility for his actions, that is very important. The man that takes responsibility is empowered to make a change, to do things differently. A man that blames his wife will continue to use his wife as a excuse for cheating, that is what it is, an excuse. In my experience, in order for it to work, the person that cheats has to own it, fully. And unfortunately, it seems like your husband is not at that point.
      I think at this point, since it is not the first time, you have to let him know that you are not going to tolerate this anymore. He has to see a drastic change and then you have to decide if you want to continue to deal with him. You have a choice in this. Take care.

  • Lucy July 22, 2013, 9:21 AM

    Hello,
    I have done a lot of thinking during my post divorce recovery period and I have found that a lot of my pain, anger and confusion was based on the loss of the potential marriage I pretended I could have had with my husband (31 years of pretending). During my recovery I had to look at myself and say that my “rose colored” marriage didn’t exist. I was married to a cheating, alcoholic, abusive man who was never going to be a healthy partner in my life. The divorce was one of the hardest things I have experienced but now I see it also was one of the best things that have happened to me.
    Best to all,
    Lucy

  • tootles102 July 24, 2013, 8:08 AM

    Hi, I have a 35 year marriage and found out about a year ago that my husband had been cheating during some of those years…at first I was just in shock, then a few months later the anger came. Mourning the loss of what seems like my life and marriage, that I could’ve been with a man that loved and respected me. I’m 57 now and want so bad to feel that kind of love…not a cheating kind of love…it feels to late to start over…I still have so much anger…I wonder if there are faithful men out there…Thank you for this site and letting me share…any thoughts or advice would really help me…Sincerely…Tootles

    • Jewels July 24, 2013, 5:07 PM

      Hi Tootles102,
      YES, there are faithful men out there, and NO it is not too late. I can so that with confidence because I hear from men that have been totally devastated from their wife cheating, it goes both ways. When you get a chance, read the comments under the “Men Visitors’ section of my site, I think that will give you some perspective.
      Not sure where you have been, but I will tell you a little secret..shhh….”50’s are the new 40’s’. You have a good amount of life left in you. I know exactly what you mean when you say you are mourning the loss, I had to do the same thing, I envisioned the house, the backyard, the husband, and it hurts to think that is not how life turned out. But if I kept looking back at what I wanted, I would of never been able to see the great life that was waiting for me. Focus on you, and living the best life you can live, focus on being happy yourself, and in an uncommon hour, someone with that same great energy will come your way. I wish you well!
      Jewels

  • Lucy July 25, 2013, 2:23 PM

    Hi Tootles102,
    I used to feel the same way. I felt like an island. I didn’t think I could find anyone trustworthy or anyone who would be interested in someone in their fifties….after all my lying, cheating husband seemed to find younger women more attractive. It is a terrible feeling and it is difficult to describe. I found that I was wrong. I ended up meeting men YOUNGER than me. I found that they didn’t care that I was in my fifties. You should have seen the expression on my ex-husband’s face when he found out.
    I tell you my experiences so you will know that there will not be the preconceived limitations that you fear. Life will be yours to live. Date or don’t date. That will be YOUR choice to make. Ultimately I’ve chosen to step away from dating . I am enjoying my independence too much.
    Lucy

  • alexandra August 29, 2013, 12:03 AM

    well this is my story i married my childhood sweetheart found out he had 4 affairs even cheated on me on my birthday before we got married . while me and him were married icant say he slept with anygirls but he was talking to one previously cheated on me which i found out late about and two others he went to the extent of saying how i was raped and grew up with no family to this one girl which she knew he was married to me because he couldnt afford to take care of me otherwise which was complete shit ! because i had a scholarship to college my own apartment and a really good job. and threw it all away to marry him beacuse hes in the army & moved to a state were i knew noone . i learned how to cook a turkey would have the house clean & cooked meals all the time even would get up at 6 am sometimes to cook him breakfast . i did everything for him and his family kept one of thegirls he cheated on me with around the family which the whole year of marriage hurt it more because to find out he would go & complain about me to them which added to it . so till this day they refused to get rid of her and talked so bad about me. went around telling the family he was gonna marry her JUST a huge mess . i got a job because he would always throw in my face how he makes the money in the house etc & then he started to call me a hoe ” and felt dumb because my co worker told him i always tell guys im married fyi i was a car dealer . & then to find out he was talking to another girl & also the girl he told my life to . he told the other girl he was contracted married to me and the pictures were to look as proof . i love him with all my heart but i left because i cant get past how he can talk so badly about me when i did nothing to him but be a good wife . . he calls me alot hes in Afghanistan but im just so numb sometimes i explode on him and say how dare he throw away our marriage and then some how he calms me down -__- . & then he says stuff like oh i see your thinking about moving on i cant see myself with anyone else . & i said you werent thinking about me when you were with your hoes .hes like i changed but you keep pushing me away and not giving me the chance to show u i wish i had some faith in him but its just gone .. it hurts everyday oh and i forgot he put me in jail because he broke my iphone cuz it had proof of his affiars and slapped me so i hit him back and i got arrested because i got agood punch in .while he put me in jail hes emailing the girl who he told my life to smh !

    • Jewels August 31, 2013, 8:31 AM

      Alexandra,
      He slapped you, and then you ended up in jail? There is way too much drama going on in this marriage my friend! I know that he is a good talker, he knows you well enough to know exactly what to say to get you to calm down or feel better. And he knows what to tell the women he has the affair with as well. Here is the thing, watch his actions (when he returns). His actions are going to give you the answer. He is going to know exactly what to say. 4 affairs? He is an expert at this, and the likelihood that he will stop after 4 is slim to none. He has done it all this time with little consequence, so for him, why not do it again? At the end of the day, you have to look within and evaluate if you want to continue on this path with him continuing to disrespect you and the marriage. You have options, never forget that.

  • Kim December 22, 2013, 1:21 AM

    I’ve been married 16 years and my husband just left me for my best friend of 5 years. I was devestated. My only ?’s are he was still saying he loved me & I’m beautiful. He has accepted the responsibility. But he keeps our picture up at work on his tool box and he wouldn’t let me pack all of his clothes. He put off the divorce for now. Is he still in love with me? Has anyone else experienced this? As of two days ago he is telling me he wants space he doesn’t want to be friends only to talk about the kids. He said to be around me he cringes. We have never been with anyone else as we were married in high school. He literally went from my bed to hers. Could this be a midlife crisis should I wait??? Omg I’m confused. I am using this time to have personal reflection. Let me know what you think!

    • Jewels December 23, 2013, 8:55 AM

      Hi Kim,

      He might be having a hard time executing on what he say, especially if you have been together since high school. Husbands getting together with the wife’s best friend – happens often unfortunately. The husband not being consistent with his actions? Happens all the time, but usually it’s in the form of saying they want to stay married and continuing to cheat until they figure it out. You do not want to be in the position where he says he is undecided for a long period of time, that would not be fair to you (well it’s already not fair to you). I think your comment at the end is the best, use this time for personal reflection and decide what is best for you.

  • Kim December 27, 2013, 8:21 AM

    Thanks Jewels! Recently he has started being an @SS to me lol. I know by his actions that he is hurting but he has always been prideful and arrogant and can never admit when he is wrong lol! So I see him riding this one out, his sister in laws said we aren’t over and to continue bettering myself through education and self improvement. My kiddos 13,12,11,10 are very supportive especially my older two boys. My oldest was with me at the store when I broke down in line on Christmas eve he said “mom you’ve had him 17 years I have had him 13, that’s only 4 more years, do you see me crying he chose this!” I was like WOW! And that’s when I realized my son had stepped into that role of support for me. I love him he is an awesome kid! Just thought I’d tell you we survived Christmas he has been pretty informal with me no more I love you’s. He even signed the Christmas card Joe. (that was funny btw) Before he left Christmas day he initiated the hug which was great and we both said love you and left it there no lingering. My husband is a visual creature so for him to see my physically improving myself through school, running my house, paying my bills on my own and no mistakes this will speak volumes to him. Don’t have false hopes in staying married but friends would be great. :) Happy New year! Here’s to a better future for all the spouses out there who are in the same emotional state. PS I am going to start a blog called on surviving infidelity for peace of mind :)

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