Cheating Husbands and Married Men – 5 Reasons Why Facebook Causes Drama in Marriage

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Cheating Husbands and Married Men – 5 Reasons Why Facebook Causes Drama in Marriage post image

Photo courtesy of Sean MacEntee https://www.flickr.com/photos/smemon/

I came across this article today which that basically said Facebook is to blame for a whopping one out of every five divorces. I thought I would take a moment to share my views on the topic and state 5 reasons why Facebook causes drama in marriage.

1. Pictures do not lie. It is easy to tag people and sometimes married couples get tagged in pictures and situations that they didn’t intend. If you are cheating, and someone tags you in a photo with another woman because they thought she was your wife, you’re busted.

2.  ‘Friend requests’. When you join Facebook, people from your past start “friending” you. Next thing you know, your husband has hundred of women as ‘friends’ on Facebook. And the women friends are  just like the Energizer Bunny, they keep coming and coming. Some of those ‘friends’ would love to be with your husband.

3. Your ex’s (also known as ‘friends’ ) will always seek you out on Facebook and friend you. We all think we can handle being friends with our ex’s, but it is so easy to get caught up in a situation, be careful.

4. Some women who have friended your husband want your husband and do not care that he is married.  They’ll post flirtatious comments on his Wall, send private messages, anything to get his attention. Drama drama, and more drama.

5. Facebook makes it easy for the other woman to contact you. You don’t have to be friends with someone to message them. My husband was smart enough not to friend the person he was sleeping with, but the OW knew how to message me via Facebook.

I do not blame Facebook, it is just a tool. Facebook causes drama because there is typically no conversation among married couples around social media. Having a simple conversation around social media could save you from trouble down the road, because when a problem arises,  tensions are high and it is difficult to have a productive conversation.  Pro-active communication is key.

**Just a little advice for cheating men – might not want to friend the OW. The minute she gets mad at you, she has the power to embarrass you, your friends and your wife’s friend via a public setting. Not cool at all.

  • nonymouse May 17, 2010, 2:33 PM

    Hi, I hear ya sister, Facebook is insane. Sorry about what happened to you.. Check this out. A retired English teacher in his 60’s creating a face book ( on marriage #2), ( wonder why).. lol and he is beyond flirting with his students from years ago but getting hot and heavy with sex talk on facebook.. It’s hilarious and the even more sick part is he :(on his wall), will quote the bible and do the whole :”I’m a good Catholic boy”.. IT’s such a disgrace like him.. And if it ya didn’t think it could get any slimier this pig is doing his sales pitch in between his sex talks.. He wants all these :”females” that he comes on to. buy his crappy photographs.. It’s really messed up and he’s a pig. Yes, facebook is a very safe place for losers like this guy to seek women out, (and this was a school teacher) and use his influence over them, lure them into buying his photos for money.. ON his wall, he’s some sort of earthly saint.. LMFAO@that joke. It’s out there and best thing is stay away from it. goodluck hon

  • Jewels May 18, 2010, 4:36 PM

    People are really strange in that they put up these images of what they want to be and at the same time, act totally different in other settings. Facebook causes TONS of drama, and I heard that people are using it for creepy things like you have described above. I wonder what this school teacher is really trying to do on Facebook. Anyways, thanks for your support!!

  • anony September 16, 2010, 3:30 PM

    as we speak its ruining my life

  • Mary September 18, 2010, 11:40 PM

    I completely agree. More drama was caused in my marriage by facebook, but my husband won’t delete his. It didn’t contribute to his affair, but some of his antics during the “will I stay with him” phase didn’t help. You want me to stay with you, don’t publicly hit on chicks for all our friends and family to see. He can keep his page as long as I have access to it.

  • Jewels September 19, 2010, 9:39 AM

    Anony/Mary – facebook is supposed to be a place to connect with friends, but I tell you, I hear more stories about husbands than friends. Mary it’s cool that you established something with your husband where you have access, especially if he has cheated. That is the only way in my opinion, or if your married, don’t even get an account.

  • Gail November 1, 2010, 11:41 AM

    I, too, had a terrible heart breaking experience with my husband cheating with FB. It started as a simple hi to an X girlfriend and before I knew it they were talking for hours on his cell phone from work. Hours and hours of our life, my life on the phone with the woman he used to be with 24 years ago. It felt so bad. We have decided to repair the marriage and there is no more contact with the other woman, but I just would like to get it out there that there is NO reason a husband needs to contact an X girlfriend/lover. Curiousity was the answer I got. Not good enough for me…………Stay away from OLD girlfriends!!! May the traditional marriage live on………….

  • Jewels November 1, 2010, 10:29 PM

    Thanks Gail. It’s way too tempting and easy for X’s to contact you on facebook. And since it’s called ‘add a friend’, it seems so innocent. But you’re right, when you add an x as a friend, and you’re married, you start seeing their statuses, forcing you to think about them, then see pictures, and your mind wanders. Next thing you know your husband is in bed with their X. If you’re married, I wouldn’t even open the door to friend an X, it just causes trouble all the way around, nothing but drama can come from it.

    Good luck Gail!! I hope you and your husband work things out, we need some success stories out of facebook drama!! Take Care!!

  • Morgan December 14, 2010, 8:15 PM

    I hate facebook. My fiance keeps adding these really young girls to his facebook. He says it’s because they have the same last name as he does and they maybe family but I’m weirded out by it. He is 42 years old. Why have a girl who is 17 or 18 on your page even if you dont talk to them…creepy and I’m going to break up with him if he doesn’t stop.

    • Jewels December 15, 2010, 9:38 PM

      Hello Morgan,
      That is a little strange, if they are family, I would think that you would know them as his fiance, right? I have cousinS who are 17 and 18 (male and female) and I know they are on facebook, but I haven’t asked them to be my friends because I consider them kids. But that’s just me. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.

      -Jewels

  • Cindy March 7, 2011, 9:28 PM

    I was the other woman but he found me. Still going thru it. What a disaster.

    • Jewels March 8, 2011, 10:35 PM

      Hello Cindy,

      I know husbands sometimes lie about their marital status, especially initially. I hope that you, the husband and the wife are able to heal from the disaster you speak of. Towards the end, everyone gets hurt in the situation.

  • Daphne April 11, 2011, 3:33 AM

    Hi, my hubby let me set up his account ages ago and at first he hardly touched it but with the influence of his work mates when working away he is now engrossed with it. What I hate about the antisocial site is when we go out, he sits with it on his iPhone ignoring everyone else. Also when you put an intelligent status on people just start trying to cause a fight, it’s abused too much. We are still married but his brother and me often take the piss out of facebook by saying, this it what happens: ‘sign up with facebook, meet new friends etc, get divorced’ I think that is not far from the truth eh lol xx

    • Jewels April 13, 2011, 3:39 AM

      That is exactly how my husband was. I am so embarrassed that I even was helping him understand the internet. At first he never really got into it. I had access to his email ages ago, when I checked backed in literally over a year later – I was like, since when did you have a million girls as friends, and since when did you start using facebook so much?? LOL – sign up with facebook, meet new friends etc, get divorced! That is funny because it has so much truth to it, thanks for sharing!

  • PD771 May 13, 2011, 1:47 AM

    I’m really sad to read these stories of bastard husbands – they give all of us men bad name. But I can assure you, for every wife who is on the receiving end of this sort of thing, there is a husband whose wife reciprocates in this sort of behaviour – it takes two to tango! My fiancee and I listed our engaged status after the proposal. In no time at all, her ex crawled out of the woodwork, determined to have one last go at getting her back before we got married. Sadly, she was naive enough to believe his line of just wanting to be friends. Despite my protests that I did not want her in contact with this guy, and that I thought it was inappropriate for a newly engaged woman, she refused to take him off as a friend. To cut a long story short, she ended up going out with him, and though I don’t know exactly what happened and how far it went, I DO know that there was cheating at SOME level. When i found proof of what happened, I told her to pack her bags and give me back the ring. In the end, we reconciled and I accepted that she made an out of character mistake. She was given one more chance on the condition she changed her phone number, email address, NEVER contacted him again in any way, and deleted the FB account. She did all these things which convinced me she was genuinely sorry.

    Yes, ladies cheat too.

    • Jewels May 13, 2011, 10:12 PM

      Hello PD771,

      Thanks for sharing your story, I wish you and your wife many future years of success. Your right, women cheat as well. And I am sure if you are that faithful husband, you can relate to many of the emotions stated on this blog. I am glad she closed the facebook account, that’s really going to be an essential factor in healthy marriages going forward. Facebook breeds drama and past relationships, there is literally no way I could of got back in touch with old boyfriends, ect, BUT thanks to facebook, they can find me!! I understand ladies cheat, and for every man that does this, there is a ‘lady’ who knows (most of the time) knows they are married and still chooses to engage. Thanks for writing, you do give us ladies hope there are faithful men out there. Take Care!

  • Edna Stone May 22, 2011, 1:36 AM

    As a single woman I am sick of men who create pages as “Single Men” then put seeking women as their status. We get sick of this and then when you figure out he is still married… he always comes back with some lame excuse! I am a young widow and do not need this crap! If they do not put single on their status then they are NOT!

    • Jewels May 22, 2011, 8:53 PM

      Hello Edna,

      Thanks for the note, your right, many married men go on dating sites and put their status as single. It’s a shame. It just goes to show this problem is so much deeper than just ‘cheating’.

  • Libby June 6, 2011, 10:03 AM

    I’m actually the other woman. I found a married man on FB I’d already had an affair with,and now we’re at it again. I tell myself I only want the sex, but we ladies lie to ourselves a lot. He’s following the rules perfectly- he’ll friend other girls my age (he’s older), but he refuses to friend me. Ex-military, very smart. He likes getting pictures of me, but I think it’d be smarter to just sleep with me already. That way, there’s not a paper trail.

    • Jewels June 6, 2011, 9:10 PM

      Hello Libby,

      Just out of curiosity, how does this happen? You said you found a married man on fb, did you know this man before facebook? How did the affair start? I am curious to get insight into how facebook is used and turns into all out affairs. Also, how do you feel about the whole situation, do you think ‘I shouldn’t do this’ or ‘this is ok’??

  • ashes June 20, 2011, 4:23 PM

    I too am recently a victim of facebook problems. After having my husbands password for a year and not ever looking i decided to look last night, on my birthday. something told me to. i saw that he had no other messages from me but at the very bottom of the page it said archived messages. i clicked on it and was shocked for over an hour as to see messages to other girls dating back as far as 3 months ago. i didnt mind the fact he was speaking to other women but when the conversation went past the “hey, how have you been?”…to “i always thought you were hot, would you strip for me privately if i paid you 2 grand?” and this was not to just one woman, i counted 10, im sure there was more, but after reading those i was done. its funny because these other women are shocked and ask him if hes married. he says yes but needs more attention. we will be seeking marriage counseling very soon as i will not deal with this, as i feel this is the gateway drug to an actual affair.

    • Jewels June 20, 2011, 10:32 PM

      Hello Ashes,

      Another facebook story. I still don’t understand this whole concept of men cheating because of attention. I hear that a lot and deep down I am like, why are these 40 year old men acting like they are 5, wanting and starving for attention. We want attention as well, but we don’t go out asking hot guys for sex. My husband made it seem like I was rejecting him and he needed more attention. Well dang it I was stressed, had a small child and one on the way, had a full time job, cleaned, cooked – I want more attention as well!! Sorry, I am usually a little more positive :)

      I am sorry that you’re going through this, I hope that the counseling gets him to realize that it can’t be all about him all the time, you don’t have the energy to make him feel special all the time. He has to get to the root of why he is yearning for so much attention from women, I think deep down it’s something where men are insecure and use other women to make them feel secure about whatever they are insecure about. If the counseling can determine that, then I think both of you would be off to a great start, best of luck, I know it’s a really tough time for you.

  • Sandy-Sue July 5, 2011, 4:13 PM

    I never really worried about the women I didn’t know that he friended on Facebook since most were ‘work colleagues’. But when husband changed his relationship status from “married” to “in a relationship” — my FB comment was “Oh really?” Then he answered…”just checking to see if you’re paying attention to me”, and changed his status back to “married”.
    It was 6 weeks later before I overheard his end of a phone conversation and confronted him outright. Looking back to his FB page — that relationship status change was right at the time he “friended” her. (He had told me her name, some details, etc. when I confronted him). And yes, although WE aren’t FB friends, she and I have FB-messaged each other (yes, she gave me absolute proof in black & white of the adultery….nice in case I need it for court, after 24 years of marriage).
    It took about 3 months after discovery for him to delete her as a friend. Now more than 6 months after D-Day, I still obsess every now and then and go to her stupid FB page to see if she’s changed her skanky picture. I really NEED to stop!! It’s driving me mad!

    • Jewels July 6, 2011, 11:00 PM

      Hello Sandy,

      I would imagine him changing his marriage status on facebook was a huge flag for you. The OW contacted me via facebook as well (grrr). It seems like her fb page/picture is a trigger for you. That was very smart to capture her admitting the affair via facebook email for divorce purposes, like I stated before, it’s used in many divorces now. Just my opinion, but not cool that it took 3 months for him to delete her as a friend. Not sure what he was waiting for. Are you and your husband trying to work things out, or are you planning to get a divorce?

  • Sandy-Sue July 7, 2011, 4:15 PM

    Hi Jewels,
    Yes, it was a huge flag…but he has always been sort of a ‘jokester’ so I initially was not that alarmed. His actions over the next 6 weeks after that status change, until I overheard that phone call, were definitely sending up more red flags! Since it was during the holidays, I was quite busy preparing/shopping for that (we always host the family dinner), as well as working full-time — and seriously cannot believe it took until I overheard that phone conversation for me to realize what was truly going on.
    No it was not cool it took him that long to delete her; first claiming he didn’t know how, then I sent him the instructions on 2 separate occasions.
    And it was ME that messaged her first, when I found out he flew her to meet him on a business trip!…asking her “Did you enjoy _____, Whore?” Simply that…in the subject line. No text to it.
    I nearly fell out of my chair when she actually answered, and confirmed she ‘had a good time and didn’t even know he was married til way later’! But I was glad, since it gave me that proof, if and when I need it.
    We have been going to counseling 6 months now, and “working on” trying to repair this 24-year marriage — with ME doing most of the work, of course! Not a whole lot of remorse, or effort, on his part. At this moment, I don’t see us getting past it and divorce has been discussed several times….however, it is just sooooo hard to make that move. And I don’t even know for sure why, at this point!
    Thanks for answering!! It really helps to feel like someone understands what I am going through.

    • Jewels July 7, 2011, 10:24 PM

      Hello Sandy,

      You made an interesting comment about working on the marriage for 6 months, knowing secretly that it is probably over, but having such a hard time taking that action.

      That is such a good point, and even I had a difficult time, it took me a year to move out, and actually calling a renter and moving out was so hard, even though I knew for a fact it was over.

      I think the marriage means more to use that our husband. It means status. It means achievement. It means togetherness. It means stability. It means love. It means support. It means success. Not saying that if you are single you can’t be those things, I just feel that many women associate marriage with those terms. So when choose to let all of that go and leave the marriage, it’s hard to do. My biggest think with telling people and moving out was I felt like a failure. I did. He cheated and I felt like a failure and I didn’t want anyone else to think I was a failure. And moving out, preparing the the divorce made me think of failure. I don’t think that way anymore, but I did have those thoughts for a while, so I can easily understand how you can feel that way.

      I am glad you trained him on how to delete someone as a friend. Now all you have to do is send him instructions on how to delete his facebook account…….lol!

  • melissa July 7, 2011, 8:36 PM

    This is happening to me as we speak. Facebook has given him the ability to connect with ppl in his past. My husband was put in a program that physically abused him..more to that story but ppl went into that group formed a ” private” group..a group that as his wife can’t join..only victims and brothers and sisters..since being part of this group and reconnecting with these ppl he has changed.. he never leaves his phone unattended..he is on Facebook almost every moment..even right now as we speak..I don’t believe his having a physical affair..its the emotional affair I’m having issues with..he talks to ppl I have no clue about..most being single women..granted most do not live by us..its the point of them being single..I’m going crazy at this point…we currently r in counseling…

    • Jewels July 7, 2011, 10:32 PM

      That ‘never leaving the phone unattended’ is a big trigger for me. My husband did that and I could not stand it, it is not good. Why do you have to keep your phone with you all the time, even going to the toilet, really?? What are you hiding?

      Anyways, good that you are in counseling. Did he admit to anything in counseling? Was the counselor able to address the phone issue or get him to be more transparent about the ‘group’. Seeing that this ‘group’ is causing so much tension in your marriage, he should be willing to show you this ‘private group’ to ease your mind of cheating. You might feel like your going crazy because it seems that he is still being secretive. And the term secretive and marriage don’t mix, at all. Take Care, I hope counseling works out for you.

  • Leann July 20, 2011, 11:55 AM

    Facebook has caused my marriage to fall apart. We are now getting a divorce. He kept friending his exes and other girls that were supposedly just friends. He made his profile private so I couldn’t read anything. One time he left his face book open n I got on it and all he did was make fun if me on it. Funny thing none of the girls he was making fun of me with are all that great looking and I’m actually a professional bikini model. Even his own divorce attorney said look at you buddy n look at your wife,your lucky she even wanted to marry you in the first place. So ladies no matter how sweet we are to our hubbys or how we look is gonna keep our men from friending these marriage wreckers. I deleted my facebook because of the drama. Even my husbands mother got caught by her husband looking up an ex from high school. Then tried to say she was looking him up because she’s friends with his wife. Bull ****! I’ve also caught my husband on a site called pornhub where you watch free porn and can friend people on there too. Internet is out of control!

    • Jewels July 20, 2011, 10:27 PM

      Hello Leann,

      Sorry to hear about your husband. I am actually glad you mentioned that you are a bikini model, many women think their husband cheated because their changing looks (I gained weight, etc.), and it doesn’t matter how you look, if a man decides to cheat, they decide to cheat. I do think facebook and the internet (yes internet is out of control) do give our husbands a easy way to rekindle the past. The couples that I know that are still married don’t have facebook, so that is a strong message right there. He messed up big time, I wish you the best with your divorce.

  • ashes July 21, 2011, 8:08 AM

    This an update since June 20. Although we have not seen a counselor yet, (we may not at all), things have gotten alot better. I think this is due to the fact he has deleted almost every girl on his stupid facebook page. And I only say stupid now because I used to enjoy facebook, being able to talk to my friends back home whenever I wanted but now he ruined that for me. Now I see facebook as just yet another way for a person to cheat. I also added him to my phone plan, he thinks it was because we could save $20 a month, I did it for other obvious reasons. I can keep track of his calls and texts. And ladies, there is something you can do if your husband is on facebook, and you know his password. I tried this the night after I found out. Simply log into his facebook while he is on and watch to see in live color what he is doing and who he is talking to. You will be able to see his live chats and all. I want to thank you again for being able to come here and voice my opinions and thoughts and see I am NOT the only one this is happening too. Especially at my age, 25. Now I know why my parents raised their eyebrows at me when I told them I was getting married. Thanks again, Ashes

    • Jewels July 25, 2011, 11:51 PM

      Hello Ashes, thanks for the update, glad to hear things are better. I am not real sure if the access you have now (with facebook and the phone) was a mutual agreement, but I guess it doesn’t matter, because it works for you…lol!! I don’t look at facebook the same way as well. Lastly, you are not the only one this is happening to, that is why I created the site, thanks for your kind words, take care!!

  • GiGI July 26, 2011, 12:19 AM

    WoW!!!Facebook is crazy!I joined facebook b/c I switched jobs and wanted a way to connect with my friends and still feel like I’m seeing them……..My hubby joined to see all of his old friends from school and family…since they live far away.Well at least that was my original impression…Now it has turned into Oh well shes my brothers ex’s cousin from 3rd grade kinda bull-ish.And im like oh great who the heck is this new 1?Then when I say well I dont like all these girls on ur page that ur friending it turns into i’m jelous or on my period…SMH>!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really I gave you 3 kids and my heart and now you belittle me over some girl.He’s become some kind of junkie for FB now 2.I work all day and come home…..barely any convo, no hug nothing….and he’s out the door…bye thanks.BUT when he’s gone and I look on his FB 4/5 new friends, he compliments other womens stats, messages left and right, left comments on his wall every couple hours.I wanted to buy a home and it seems all he wants 2 do is be friend of the year to everyone but me and I’m sick of it!The whole thing just is unbelievable, I cry on my way to work because I feel it’s only a matter of time before he cheats or we drift so far apart that we have nothing left.Then I come home today and guess what pornhub on my history…..nice.Now I feel insecure and ugly….We used 2 be best friends, laugh,talk,jump all over each other……………..now I’m starting to feel different,,,like was he always like this and never had the oppurtunity to act on it ? IDK?But it’s scary.I never felt this way about him before almost like he is some stranger, I dont even know if I can believe he loves me anymore….or if he ever did?I’m just hurting so bad and I dont even have my buddy/hubby to talk to anymore.Thank you FB.

  • Shazza July 30, 2011, 10:45 AM

    I found out my DH had been on facebook by checking history. He had been coming to bed really late some nights after finishing a late shift. 3am sometimes (he’s gome at 11pm). Turns out he had been looking at hundreds of womens photos. Nothing dirty, just snapshots. The women were ex colleagues, a friend of mine (his friend’s wife) my cousin, sisters friend.

    We had previously had a big row over nothing 2 weeks ago. He called me a fat ugly dog. He said sorry later (I have called him worse than this in previous rows, so he said he was just saying it first this time) I am about 14lb heavier than when we married. We have 2 kids. I confronted him about FB when he was at work, as soon as I found out. He hung up initially. Then kept phoning me repeatedly all afternoon. I ignored the calls. He was devastated i’d discovered his sordid doings. I had also seen he’d downloaded free porn (he claimed none of it worked) on one occasion. The history also had a few hits for ‘cupid’ on FB which he claimed was a pop up that he’d clicked off.

    He begged me to talk when he returned I told hom to get out of our house. I told him to fuck off and I never wanted to see his lying cheating face again. This was 2 days before my birthday. He had booked a city break for us. He kept begging me to talk. I ripped into him and he just kept saying he was stupid, and that he just got addicted to FB and liked looking at ‘good looking’ women (thats a laugh) HE was sorry for the porn, that was inexcuseable. I told him I hated him. He begged me to forgive him. He said this was a stupid thing, and he would cancel his FB account.

    I relented in the end. We went away. We had an amazing time. But now I have come down from being treated like a queen. I am starting to resent him again. Should I forgive him? HE says he would never ever cheat on me. He looked me in the eyes and told me I am his soulmate. That he adores me and that he was just ‘being a prick’. I don’t want to break up our family unit. We have 2 kids to consider. Why are men so fucking stupid. Anything for a CHEAP thrill.

  • still hate him August 12, 2011, 7:54 PM

    Wow. I thought it was just me – really. My husband of almost 20 years actually started having his affairs – oh – 21 years ago during the engagement. I found all this out recently thanks to FB. FB made it a lot easier. Actually, cell phones and the internet made it a lot easier. But, I know (now) he was cheating long before we got cell phones and the internet and FB. I learned a cheater is going to cheat no matter what. All this new technology did was made it easier. My now EX-husband had an affair with his first wh____ and that’s why her first marriage ended in divorce. They were caught then (found this out from her oldest son). I’m not sure about the second, but this was her third marriage they broke apart. They have destroyed at least three families. I would love to be able to tell her that it wasn’t just her over the years nor is it just her now. But she does not deserve the knowledge. Let her find out the hard way. Actually, she probably isn’t being faithful to him either. It apparently is not in her nature.

    The one good thing about technology is that for every way to cheat, there’s a computer program or cell phone monitor or whatever to catch the cheater.

    I completely understand about feeling like a failure and knowing you should leave the adulterer, you described exactly how I felt. I have only been officially divorced for a few months and I have my really bad days (can you tell), but knowing I no longer have to come home to that lying, cheating, adulterer is a blessing. I am becoming a better person with out him. My friends have noticed, my work colleagues have noticed and my relationship with my children (whom he systematically tried to destroy over the last two years with lies) is becoming so much more than I ever hoped for at this point.

  • Want him to suffer August 27, 2011, 2:31 PM

    Oh yes the facebook! When I seen all these women giving him their cell phone numbers I just wanted to die! We deleted both our facebook accounts about 9mths ago with no look back but before we did that he had a fling wit sum floozy and I m just finding out and because he made the choice not to keep his penis in his pants until he got home to me I’m suffering:-( I know its wrong to say that I want him dead but I do! My mama always told me you should never say Hate unless you truely 100% mean it and not just for that moment and I’ve taut my child hate is a really strong word! But now to hell with all dat I HATE HIME I HATE HIM I HATE HIM! Its not fair:-( I’m tired of wasting my tears on a low life cheating husband!

  • justsickening August 30, 2011, 6:01 PM

    My recent girlfriend I discovered has a thing for old flames and she finds them on FB. 3 I know for sure and who knows how many more. I just want to tell the wives. They are all victims of this woman and so am I . I don’t know what to do!

    • Jewels September 1, 2011, 9:34 PM

      I would walk away. She is playing games and you obviously don’t care for it. Good thing is you are not married (hopefully you are not living together either), so you are not legally tied to her, which makes leaving still painful because of the betrayal, but feasible. It’s sad that she is doing this, and trust me, what she is doing will come to light.

  • justsickening September 3, 2011, 2:11 PM

    Thanks Jewels,
    Its taken a lot of time to decide to just leave her to her own devices Sadly, she has 3 kids. But joint custody with her X husband gives her free time to do what she wants.
    We weren’t together more than 4 months, but as an Empath I got very messed up from what i was seeing, discovered and felt.
    I don’t want to be responsible for when Karma does show up. I just feel bad for her girls.
    I have offered countless times for her to talk to me To heal what is driving her to this hurtful lifestyle towards other women and degrading herself.
    But she doesn’t see a problem So I can’t help at all. I’m a good person. One day down the line, If it ever happens and she is ready, I will be there to help her sort her life out. But only as a friend.

    • Jewels September 4, 2011, 4:35 PM

      Just sickening,

      It seems like the situation was really making you uncomfortable because you are a good human being and can’t stand to see such behavior. If you were ‘her’, as in the one doing this behavior, and you realized how wrong you were, my opinion would be different. The truth always comes to light and unfortunately she is going to realize the hard way the impact of her actions. I am sure your next relationship will be much better!!

  • wondering September 13, 2011, 7:31 PM

    i know how everyone feels. my husband is a pervert. he is 23 (i am 22 and we have a 3 year together) and he says he loves me and all his friends and my friends and his parents (whom love me) say that he acts like he loves me. he has changed quite a bit of his old behavior but not enough. he still likes 16 year old girls. hes addicted to porn. he sees nothing wrong with any of it. he’s been adding hot chicks on fb telling me their just for scenery because he’s not dead. that he will always love me and never cheat on me but i have to not be insecure when he adds hot chicks he never even talks to (i do get on his fb) but it hurts. he’s lied so many times to me about porn (a constant battle) in the past and i don’t think things have gotten any better but his computer doesn’t have net and mine does and id know if i had any on here. i just dont know if im overreacting or if i just need to suck it up and leave him. take my daughter and move out and go to college on my own (we’re both in school)

    • Jewels September 13, 2011, 11:41 PM

      Hello wondering,

      Just my humble opinion, but if he is lying to you now, you are in for a future full of lies if you stay. Many women on this site find out about the lying after 20 years of marriage, luckily it doesn’t have to be you because you are starting to see signs now. It’s one thing to agree to watch porn together or for him to watch it in general if that is what you agree to, but when he is doing and lying about it, that is another thing. Adding hot chicks on facebook that he does not know? People (older men) have sent me requests for that reason and I do think it is immature, especially his reaction to why. It seems that is what you are dealing with because he is so young. And if it was just immaturity, that is one thing, but this lying about porn and your pervert comment, yeah I personally wouldn’t call this one a keeper. You are still so young, you have time to find someone that is not a ‘pervert’ using your terms. Despite what you might think, there are good men out there, and I think you can do much better for yourself. Take Care.

  • wondering September 15, 2011, 10:28 AM

    Well he doesn’t lie about it now. The constant battle thing is I think he should tell me when he does look at porn but he doesn’t so I ask because I’m curious and he gets mad because its a private thing with him. he doesn’t like doing it with other people (we have tried). I do understand that because there are things that I like doing with just me but it bothers me when he gets mad at me for needing to know and he used to lie about it all the time in the beginning (his mom GREATLY disapproves) so he always lied to her about it. It wasn’t a very good excuse to me to lie. I just wanted to KNOW he was doing it. I hate secrets so after he learned I am a little more open about some things he stopped lying but he is a real private guy and hates having to share everything with me so it makes me wonder if he really is hiding stuff. Then this hot girls on facebook. There are SO many good qualities but so many bad. Its a real even thing. I did pros and cons but I’m still left wondering. I’m happy one moment with him and then I’m sad another and unhappy with my marriage. I just don’t know anymore. I know you already gave your opinion and its largely what I’ve been thinking but then it kinda just goes away to resurface later. He never really is a dick about anything expect my wanting to know about porn and my tendency to get pissed when he comments on the hotness of a 15 yr old (I know if he wasn’t married he wouldn’t mind getting with a 15 or 16 yr old, hence the pervert comment. He thinks they are sexy and NOT children. When his daughters are that age I hope he’ll think differently). He really tries to understand and he already said he’d stop adding hot chicks on facebook yesterday and that he didn’t realize I would mind so much and instead of bitching about it all I had to do was ask instead of telling him it was wrong. I guess I’m just trying to vent to someone who isn’t biased in one direction or the other because you don’t personally know us. Everyone I know is either for me, for him (he has two friends that think he’s totally in the right. All his other friends think he’s a dick and if i’m unhappy just leave him to grow up), or for US as a couple. Sorry I wrote so much. You don’t have to respond. I just needed to vent. :D Thank you for the info about facebook. It really did help me feel better.

  • Dustin September 17, 2011, 9:08 AM

    I understand what all of you woman are saying. It is unfotunate that it is not only women, i am going through divorce for the exact same thing. I travel sometimes to work in order to provide for my wife and family. I am 100 percent divoted to my wife and i dont have a facebook account. She does and it is all of her if she had not marked in her profile that she was married no one would probaly even know. I told her that is was not a very wise decision to have it. See loneliness happens and her old high school “friends” are there to HELP! HA i was a single man i know what they do and how they do it. I only takes getting your foot in the door. She is also Beautiful and had many many guys that had crushes on her. So i am killing myself to provide and make the best life for my wife and i am being backdoored by assholes that should not even be in her life! It is a very very sad situation for me I am completely heartbroken and lost!! FACEBOOK is pure evil for a marriage and if you want to be divorced it will probably end up that way if you decide that it is fine to have.

    • Jewels September 17, 2011, 10:22 PM

      Hello Dustin,
      Welcome to the site. Several men have contacted me experiencing their wife cheating, and I feel for you. I am glad you posted your story. Someone on the site recently commented that all men are ‘dogs/cheaters’.

      And I responded saying that is not true, because I have interacted with many men that have gone through the same horrible pain, and I know you probably cant see this now, but someone like you that was devoted to your wife gives MANY of us women hope, including myself.

      Facebook accounts and marriage is a touchy subject. I almost think it should be an all or nothing thing, meaning if your married you should both not have it, or both have it and have access to each others account. If you are married, what do you have to hide, right?

      I hope everything works out from the divorce standpoint, as you can see from the site, there are many women who wouldn’t imagine doing such a thing. May you recover and find love again.

  • Daisy September 21, 2011, 12:22 PM

    I’m sorry Dustin. I wish my husband (currently getting a divorce ) was so supportive and dedicated to his marriage. I’ve done alot and I MEAN ALOT for my husband, but its unfortunate that these types of selfish people take advantage of good people. They are selfish, and truly lack the emotional connection…in understanding what marriage is all about. The internet is the most sneaky way of cheating…facebook, emails, chat rooms, and dating sites. My husband is like those typical stupid criminals…don’t know how to cover their tracks. I was able to find his profile in yahoo, but the idiot forgot to place restrictions on it so the public couldn’t view it. Later he deleted it, but I saved a print screen shot. :) what’s worse the picture he uploaded had a date stamp underneath it!!! lol…total moron. I just don’t have the repect for him anymore.

    Facebook, etc is just another outlet for cheaters to continue their infidetly….its just so easy. Don’t loose yourself, I did for a period of time. Man it hurts bad,especially when they are not remorseful and continue to lie. Personally, I’ve taken what I learned from my experience and pray that someday if another person comes along he is dedicated, and sincere. And if i don’t ever find that person, I pray that I will have peace of mind and happiness. LIFE IS TOO SHORT.

    • Jewels September 21, 2011, 5:40 PM

      Love what you wrote below….

      “I’ve taken what I learned from my experience and pray that someday if another person comes along he is dedicated, and sincere. And if i don’t ever find that person, I pray that I will have peace of mind and happiness. LIFE IS TOO SHORT.”

      I feel the same way, I want to learn to have fun alone, be totally happy alone, and if someone comes along that’s great!

  • ugghhh September 21, 2011, 3:43 PM

    F*ckbook has rocked my world… my husband and his lover were never “friends”- they were too smart for that. It was an accident that i saw some messages from her in his account. my life has not been the same since.

  • Daisy September 21, 2011, 5:12 PM

    That’s the part that these cheaters don’t understand….literally changes the whole dynamtics of the relationship. You will never be the same person and you will never look at that cheating spouse the same loving eyes. Can we say resentment???

  • Jane September 22, 2011, 4:53 PM

    I’m new to this site (unfortunately) but so very glad I found it.
    Currently reeling with shock and in a world of pain after accidentally discovering an affair of several months making, finally consummated on fathers day. Brilliant. We have been married for coming up to 11 years and have one girl of 10 (today). I didn’t see it coming and a week later I’m still physically shaking. I think I have a mountain of reading and thinking ahead of me, not to mention the mess of sorting out a massive mortgage while in the middle of a building project. Everything is in joint names of course and depends on both incomes to succeed. Perfect timing. Thanks, Jewels, for this site. I think I’ll be here a lot *sigh*.

  • Daisy September 26, 2011, 1:00 PM

    I mean honestly does it matter if they delete their FB account…it doesn’t take away the deceit and hurt it caused. What if they make another account but with a different name…? My soon to be IDIOT MORON husband…had different email accounts under another alias. This just my own thought, once that door is open…I don’t think you close it. Internet is just so easy and these gross thoughts and perversions can come to life via the internet. I mean seriously you can’t just come up to someone and start a sexual conversation…but the internet….JUST TOO EASY! Perfect for these low lives….but at least you know what kind of person they truly are…..just sickening…. and sad.

  • Jen September 29, 2011, 11:46 AM

    My husband befriended a old flame on fb. I had looked her up. I thought she was married and I had nothing to worrry about. Wrong!!!!!! She had commented on my husbands wall to come and see her. Well he did later on. They used Fb to communicate and then the phone calls. I found out when I looked at his phone because was always on it using fb. Lord I didnt want to see what I seen, He admitted it and we are in marriage counseling right now but this is not easy! FB can be a good thing but I dont like FB at all!!!!

    • Jewels September 30, 2011, 9:38 PM

      Hello Jen,
      It’s crazy because in your mind, you thought you were protected because she was married because YOU would never do that, unfortunately, some women just don’t care. Now the problem is going to be FB is going to be a trigger for you, if he still uses it, every time you see that darn app it’s going to give you that pit because that is where is all start. I hope things work out for you in counseling. Keep in touch and let me know how things progress.

  • Leanne September 29, 2011, 8:16 PM

    Hi Jen,

    Wow I feel like I am reading my own post. My husband too has hooked up with an old girlfriend from the past through fb. I confronted him he told me yes that he had been in contact but that nothing was going on. He has been hiding his mobile or more so having it turned on silent. We are going to try counselling cause apparently I am the reason why he is doing so but firstly we are having individual counselling. Now I am not saying I am perfect and yes I have to take half of the blame for the faltering of our marriage but I feel like he is taking none. Anyway my other problem comes here – he has taken to leaving his mobile out cause I asked him to but I have discovered that he is now using his old mobile to still communicate with her…..nice hey he must have gone and bought another sim card and is still doing what he told me would not go on and I am supposed to try to save this……So Jen I sympathise with you and hope that you can work things out.

  • cathyc September 30, 2011, 11:34 AM

    Happened to me too. My now x got “friended” by a fellow female student from their high school, went to the reunion and POOF! 2 marriages ended. She moved from New Jersey to the San Francisco 6 weeks after my things were moved out of the house. They Skyped, txted, he changed all his passwords and got very secretive. He started taking trips to see “old friends” all over the country , this is all when I trusted him. He was also easily agitated. ALL signs to look for!!

    Also-if your intuition goes off, you know, that voice in your head that says “Something is wrong” don’t ignore it. Mine went off 6 months before it all blew up.

    I thought I was safe-she was married, and we were married. Not the happiest time in our relationship, but we were still saying “I love you” and being kind friends. Something happens when those old flames fair up again, I don’t get it. And I am working through the betrayal, trusting anyone again won’t be easy.

    • Jewels September 30, 2011, 10:35 PM

      Cathyc,

      Wow this is the third posting today about both parties being married, much more common than I once thought. I agree with the intuition statement. Something was just not right, I felt it, but we put it to the side because we don’t want to believe it or don’t want to be the crazy wife with these thoughts that don’t have anything concrete attached to them. I guess we all have to watch out for these reunions!!! Trusting again will not be easy, I am working through that myself, how do you go on after and actual start opening up to men again. Part of me is very closed to the idea, and part of me is like ‘heck no, he will not be the cause of me not opening myself up to certain experiences’. It’s a tough call, but I will work through it and figure it out in time. Right now, the thought of even dating leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and I don’t like that because I did nothing wrong and I know for a fact that he will be dating and go on and marry again and I don’t want to be that person after 20 years, still won’t give dating another try (I can’t see marriage again for me). But that is just my opinion now, who knows! The great news is that I am really really enjoying the time I have alone (almost a little too much lol).

  • Rebecce October 19, 2011, 12:55 PM

    FB is ruining my marriage (and so is my cheating husband). after 16 years of marriage I am finding that he now sleeps and shits with his cell phone, he is very secretive about his after work whereabouts. recently I have been found out he has been hanging out with various women from “work” and old high school girlfriends. all are on his FB acct and which he defends are just his “friends”. The next he comes home at 4am from an “afterwork” party, he will find all his clothes in boxes, outside in the driveway.

  • Rebecce October 19, 2011, 12:58 PM

    By the way, he turned 40 this year!

    • Jewels October 21, 2011, 8:05 PM

      Hello Rebecce,

      Of course I can’t tell you if your husband is cheating, but that darn cell phone when he sleeps and shits drives me up a wall, it’s a huge trigger for me because my husband did that when he was cheating. Coming in at 3-4 am, we have all been there as well, as Sandy-Sue posted. It seems like you already know or have a feeling of what is going on, hopefully your husband can straighten up before it’s too late.

  • Sandy-Sue October 19, 2011, 2:59 PM

    Rebecca,
    Don’t ignore the red flags!! See my posts on July 5 & 7th. A few days before I found out about the affair with a “girl” he had friended a couple months earlier….he had stayed out all night (well until about 3-4am or so) for the 3rd time in a month (of course always telling me he was out with friends listening to music then stayed talking after the bar closed). I told him “next time you come home at 3, 4, 5 in the morning, you’re gonna find all your shit on the front lawn…including that F*ing Harley!” He just looked at me — no response. It was only about 2 or 3 days later I came home early from work to overhear his end of a conversation…with his “friend”.
    Just saying — be aware and be prepared!!
    Sending best wished and hugs your way….:)
    Sandy-Sue

  • Crissy October 24, 2011, 10:31 AM

    Just found out my husband has been having an affair and the lady sent me messages on facebook and also pictures to my phone. He finally came clean about the whole situation and now claims he is committed to working on our marriage. Not only that I just found out he gave me an STD, I’m hurt confused, scared and I have no idea what to do!

    • Jewels October 30, 2011, 11:41 PM

      Hello Crissy,

      It’s interesting how this happens. Husband cheats on wife with the other woman. Other woman gets mad and sends pictures to phone. Crissy this is so common it’s insane and it angers me a little that our husbands put this type of trust in the other woman. You really would trust someone outside of your wife with pics, (sometimes naked) of yourself. And it appears he did not use a condom, which if you read this post you will realize that most men that cheat do not use condoms.

      http://www.acheatinghusband.com/old/do-cheating-husbands-use-condoms/

      I say this to tell you that no need to be scared, this has happened to many many women, and they are still here. During the next couple of months, there needs to be an assesment as to if he is really willing to put in the work to save the marriage. It’s one thing to want to work on a marriage, it's another thing to put in the time, work and effort to recovery from such a difficult situation, and that is what he needs to prove to you through actions, not words. I wish you well in your journey.

  • Jackie October 29, 2011, 6:30 PM

    Crissy: I have some insight into an adulterous man: You need to just trust yourself and leave. Stop wondering IF he is being truthful – he is NOT. FB is not the problem; men who cheat are narcissists and FB is merely one of many tools they use. I know; I was until recently the OW. (I left.) My 11 year now-ex-bf was/is married, said he was miserable, cried the poor me “miserable but cannot leave my kids” song to win me over, cheated for 6 years the first time – (we told her everything) – and then 8 months later we got back together, 5 years the second time – that time I had posted a photo of us on a sailboat just to make sure he wasn’t lying about me and our relationship this time as he swore they didn’t love one another but he was staying for the kids. I went along, thinking that was the best compromise since we quite obviously loved each other despite the difficulty. Turns out, once she discovered the FB photo he went back into lying mode (denied all 5 years despite the photo), and manipulating me as well not to tell her anything and lie to her – which I refused to do. Long story short, (despite that I did, and do, love him – even though I never asked him to leave her or the family which was hard) I finally lost faith he was being truthful when she used a fake profile to call me names, told her everything to make sure all the lies he obviously told were corrected, and withdrew from the whole mess. Say what you want: it is hard to be in a bad marriage with children, and it is hard also to be the person that guy falls in love with when he is a good father and you are a person who believes dads should try to stay with their kids if they can. For me ultimately, it became truly toxic and selfish because we were all serving his needs while he was pretending it was all for the kids – no way to raise kids. So now they are stuck with each other; I am definitely withdrawn from the whole thing. You might say I should not have told her the truth, but I don’t think it is fair for her to hear all these lies, wonder whether she should believe him when I can answer that question and at least relieve her mind. I did love him, and stood by him in a bad situation for a long time (twice!) but he was ultimately never loyal to me, just apparently selfish – wanted us both. I am happier without him, oddly enough, even though I love him because distrusting him was a daily punishment (not knowing what to believe). FB is not your problem; it is the men raised to believe that they are entitled to treat people and their hearts so callously without consequence. The least I could do was pull off his mask and then withdraw from his reach. I deserved better, and I know that now. Had he had the courage to tell the truth to her, I believe he would have served his children much better in a happy, healthy home free of conflict and full of love. Then again, maybe he knew he would never be faithful so might as well stick with this marriage and cheat the whole time. One thing I am certain about is that he is continuing to cheat (not with me of course) and she is still in the misery of his denials in a sad marriage. From the OW: IF HE IS CHEATING, HE WILL DO IT AGAIN. GET OUT. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, SECURE, AND AT PEACE. You will have that without someone treating you without respect. Alone is better than wasting your love and attention on an idiot with no courage or loyalty.

  • Florida Girl November 18, 2011, 6:30 AM

    I am experiencing the pain, betrayal, and mistrust in my marriage due to FB and my lying husband. I have been married for 15 years and supported him during nursing school. He is in his forties. Recently, something told me to check up on his FB account. and other of his activities. I went out of town a couple weeks ago and he works 12 hour midnight shifts. I called his work the night before I left and his supervisor said that he wasn’t there. I blew up his phone and he came home around midnight. He tried to say he was working in a different department that night. However, his paycheck did not reflect the hours. He has a weak explanation for his missing Viagra and lack of sexual interest in me. Everything pointed to an affair, physical or emotional
    I began investigating into his lies and found messages where he asked his old lead singer in his band (his hobby…yeah right) for a drink. He told her that “he was single now” and made fun of me . He was flirting with young women in his nursing classes telling them they were “hot” and “gorgeous” ect. He was planing to meet an old classmate from high school in person to talk about his “marital problems” and gain sympathy for whatever. He lies to these women and tells them what a horrible wife I am, blah, blah, blah. IF they only knew the truth that he is playing ALL of them. Cheaters are never faithful even to their “mistress.” She is a fool if she believes THAT.

    I want to warn women on the internet about men like my husband. He IS a narcissist and has no remorse for what he did to me or others. They use women like objects to fullfill their own selfish needs. He says what he thinks women want to hear to get in their bed, bank accounts, and lives. When he get his needs met and he thinks that you are no longer useful, he will discard you like a piece of garbage with no feelings or remorse.

    When my husband was caught, he went to the bank and withdrew all our money, walked out, did not pay his bills, blamed me for everything, and then tried to win me back after his W______s would not engage in his attention seeking anymore. Good news. I have the last laugh. I have the most shark-like lawyer who is hitting him where it hurts the most….his bank account. He loves money more than people. He is living with his cousin sleeping on the couch in a crappy apartment. I refuse to help him financially or pay the bills in his name. I told him to contact that “hot” girl he was talking to on FB or his ex lead singer (who is going through a divorce herself) for sympathy. Not me.

    I sent all his whores messages and told them that he is a cheater, liar, and predator. They can HAVE him. lol

    Also, I find it disgusting and revolting that a man in his forties has to gain validation and get attention from twenty year old classmates and college students to feel good about himself. He is weak and so is his ego. He is not that attractive and looks his age. Of course, a narcissist always thinks they look younger in the mirror. He is trying to relive his youth.

    We’ll see who is crazy now when I win in court and laugh all the way to the bank :) He has lost the respect of me, our four children, co-workers, family, and friends. Honestly, he gained nothing but an instant thrill and lost everything we have had in the past 15 years. What a loser and good riddance.

    • Jewels November 19, 2011, 4:11 PM

      Hello Florida Girl,

      That is crazy that once he found out he tried to literally take out all of the money and be ‘on the run’. How about talking to your wife and trying to understand what is going on? And then after they all left now he wants to come back? After the wife leaves they typically want to come back – too late for him. I am glad you are making sure that you and your family are protected, cheers to a better future, has got to be brighter than the present :)

  • LisaP November 18, 2011, 5:01 PM

    Florida Girl, good for you! My husband is 52 now but for the last 4 1/2 yrs tried picking up 18+ girls. What was he thinking? No 18yr old is going to want a man with no money and not that good looking (age has done a number on him). I never wanted to be with a 52 yr old when I was 18! Men constantly want validation for everything. Their ego has to be stroked to make them feel good about themselves. I am glad you found your strength to move on.

  • Rebecce November 22, 2011, 8:05 AM

    Here is an update on my cheating 40 year old mid-life crisis husband, who slept and shit with his cell phone. I was very frank and honest with him. I told him I knew what he was doing, threw out some reasons why I believed he was cheating (emotionally anyways) the evidence was harsh. I basically told him to choose between his marriage and family or go party and chat with his new FB lady friends and female co-workers. His choice was to stay in the marriage and work on our relationship. Since then he has not been coming home late from work, does not sit and play on his phone in secret and has not corresponded with the skank would-be home wreckers who are all divorced, with children . I know this because I now check the cell phone usage and his FB account. I can honestly say we have been getting along much better and our sex life has improved wonderfully. He knows I would kick his ass out of the house in a heart beat and is somewhat smart enough to know his FB flirting is not worth it. Trust is earned.

    • Jewels November 24, 2011, 10:04 PM

      Rebecce – Nice update – it seems you got your husband in line – love it!!

      LisaP – I remember that whole stage of my husband keeping his cell phone at all times, and I really think they think we are dumb or just don’t notice! Mine did the separate phone thing as well – ‘oh baby you can have my phone, check it anytime’, little did I know that was the dummy phone, he had another one. So many stories on this site are so similiar, I wonder if there is a website where they learn this stuff, it’s crazy!

  • LisaP November 22, 2011, 6:23 PM

    Rebecce, My husband was 48 when he started cheating emotionally too. Do they really think we don’t see them taking their phone to the bathroom or hiding it when we come in the family room. Men are so stupid! I too looked up the cell phone usage and even got some of the numbers off of it. Just be sure he doesn’t have another phone somewhere else because mine was so far into sexting that he bought a separate phone and had an ebill sent to him. What a waste of money and time. Adult websites and chatrooms can cost money most me really dont have extra to spend. My husband spent $175 on Ashley Madison site and a phone site @ $9.99 a month so he could live chat and send pics to these girls. You know these girls on these sites are just collecting the money and laughing all the way to the bank. If they just put the energy into us and our families everything would be so much better for everyone.

  • Gina December 1, 2011, 9:11 PM

    Wow, in some ways it’s comforting to see that I am not alone with the FB crap. I found out exactly 1yr ago that my husband was having a FB affair with a girl he went to elementary school with. She had me blocked (I did not know) and they had opened myspace accounts (I guess that didn’t work too good, he stopped posting there almost immediately) and went back to FB. I found out accidently, I used his computer and it he was still signed in and I saw a message from her, that sent up red flags. It made me look at his message and there they were. He was an idiot and left at all there for me to find. I confronted him a few day’s before Thanksgiving, changed my plans for the holidays and told him to make other plans for my reunion. His excuse was flimsy and I told him so, we worked on making it better. I did email her telling her I knew and to back off. At first she denied it but when I let her know in no uncertain terms that her lies matter nothing, I knew the truth, she admitted it. I confronted him again and again, his excuses were lame and it wasn’t until the end of January that after finding more and more shit that he came totally clean. We have been working on putting things back together and most day’s it’s easy. Lately it’s been harder with the anniversary just passing. You see she has a habit of hooking up with married men on FB. So I’ve kept a file of everything I have found and any email’s I received from my husband and the other women, to send to her husband, should I find out that she is screwing around in another marriage. I found it today cleaning my desk at work (yes I keep it at work, I’m not stupid, I may need it in the future) and had to read some of it. Stupid move. I know after 24yrs we can get past this and I will trust him once more. What I don’t get is what was in it for her. She kept telling him to leave me, but geographically it was never going to happen, she was in Oklahoma and he was in Pennsylvania. Plus if she knew him just a tiny bit, she would have known even if she was successful in getting him to leave me, he would never leave his kids. Funny thing too, she has really no pictures of herself on FB and those she does show only her from the bridge of her nose up or old from highschool (30yrs ago). That should have been a red flag. I did find a recent picture of her (from 2010) and showed it to hubby, he was shocked, he had no idea. She was huge. I know if had seen a picture of the 2010 her and not the 1980 her he would never have picked up with her. I now have all his passwords and I check the history on the computer everyday. She has emailed him recently and he showed me those and it was her complaining and asking him to have me stop checking up on her. I laughed and told him, tell her to tell me herself. I’ve yet to hear from her. So I’ll keep looking for my “mail to husband file”.

    • Jewels December 4, 2011, 9:32 PM

      Hello Gina,

      Yes most cheaters leave big trails once we find out. Cheaters get caught up in the fantasy. He was thinking of her back 30 years ago when clearly she does not look the same now, but in his mind he was imagining it that way, I bet showing you that picture was a shocker. It seems like the recovery is working ok for you, the anniversary is expected to be a big trigger that would remind you of the affair, reading those emails probably added some additional flare to it as well. It seems like he is acting ok and willing to do what it takes to mend, which is good, I wish you well.

  • Ralmon December 2, 2011, 3:38 PM

    Florida Girl:

    Wow you’re so cool! Thumbs up for you girl!

    He is really stupid *laugh*. I think he tried to run off to scare you and meant you to be submissive, thinking you will beg for him to come back *laugh*.

    Rebecce:

    Good for you! I’m glad for you!

    Gina:

    Men are stupid when they come to their lust. You would have a big laugh at this and a great pride stabber for him. Still it really ask the question of commitment.

    I also advocate the use of Karezza. Sorry if it keep popping from me, but karezza reflects what I believe marriage and love should be. Its about giving and receiving love with someone you are committed with.

  • terra December 10, 2011, 12:18 AM

    i don’t think its because of facebook i mean if a man really loves his wife enough he will control him self how ever i have told my husband to control him self begged him, got in my knees and crying, begging him to stop he said every time “I PROMISE I WONT DO IT ANY MORE” and guess what im leaving him so now he stops after i stop the threats and take action in my words and still i have my suspensions about him not even trying to stop so he can win me back and if he did stop and i give him yet another chance he will just start the cycle all over again!!!!

  • LisaP December 11, 2011, 2:19 PM

    @Terra, Men don’t know they are in the cycle until it’s too late. The are stuck because it is and addiciton to them. They get a sort of high because someone is paying attention to them. Just like in porn in the begining it harmless until it doesn’t do it for them and then they need so see more hardcore porn and more and more. My husbands addiction to booze and porn where so out of control until he finally had to go cold turykey on both. The alcohol he has done great at not drinking anymore but the porn is harder for him. He still thinks it’s ok if he watches very little of it now. I on the other hand do not. It’s and addiction just like alcohol. He used to watch porn ( hardcore anal) everyday and even if we just had sex he would run to the computer. I won’t do anal with him so this is his fantasy. Now he watches it 3-4 times a week and only anal. But I can handle this amount comparied to what it was.
    Now that you going he will see what he has done wrong. He has to admitt he was wrong before he can correct himself. Men don’t want to be told what to do so they always think they are right.
    The only way my husband changed was when I threatened divorce over his addictions. Then he begged me not to throw him out. The shoe was on the onther foot and it felt good. You can’t change him if he doesn’t want to change himself!

  • Rebecca December 12, 2011, 2:23 AM

    Well, looks like I’m a big fool after all. More than a month passed and I have to say things were looking up in my marriage. My husband and I talked about common goals, why we wanted our marriage to work and I heard numerous times how “I had his heart” seems like it was too good to be true right?? Thursday night he got drunk with a friend who came over. Not a big deal, except he pissed the bed. YES, PISSED the bed! Nice, so Im up half the night doing laundry. Friday night rolls around and I’m tired. I work 40 hours a week and not much sleep the night before had me napping on the couch in front of the television that evening. Precious husband gently wakes me up at 10:30 and ushers me upstairs to bed. He is amorous and after my nap, so was I. a while later I am laying in bed, listening to him snore like a freight train, thinking about his damn phone. I bet I laid there for over an hour telling myself to trust him and not look at his phone. That nagging voice in my head won and I got up and took his phone downstairs and proceeded to check his FB messages. Mind you, his man-goo is still trickling down my leg as I read a message he sent to some FB skank @ 9:23 earlier that evening, how he would like to meet her for drinks sometime. she apparently lives an hour south of us and he has to drive there on occasion for work. The bitch responds favorably and even tells him to wish OUR daughter luck on her basketball game the next morning! Nice right? Oh it gets better. I send the bitch a message back from his phone to the tune of “on second thought, I don’t want meet you for drinks because I would be jeopardizing my marriage and family with some FB cunt like you and you aren’t worth it” I threw in something about Jenny Craig and karma being a bitch. I hit send and then block the bitch from his FB account. I take the phone upstairs and wake him up demanding why he would want to make plans with a bitch on his FB. He claimed he never met her, friended her because she likes the same boring ass AM talk radio shit he listens to and comments on the radio personalities FB pages. Never really was going to meet her just being friendly. Didn’t know why he did it. I am mad as hell, I figure I will make sure he doesnt forget I AM HIS Wife! I am his HEART! I take a wooden paint stick and I beat his bare ass purple. This of course leads to other things and Im ashamed that I let let it happen! to have sex with him again after he was chatting up some pig was a new low for me. Perhaps Im desperate, who knows, but I am a fool for sure. Saturday was a strange day and I thought about his offer of drinks to the nameless FB whore. It festered inside me all day. No sex that night. Sunday I skipped church and kept thinking about my foolishness in believing him and I stayed away all day with shopping. SUnday night I decide to open a bottle of red wine. Well the bitch came out and her claws her sharp. I lit into him like a banshee. Demanded he delete the FB page and smuggly told him his potential drink buddy wasnt going to message him anymore since HE called her a cunt. He looks, sees the message and gets defensive. Claims again he would never have met her and then tells ME the “he is done with me” and not to sleep in our bed that I should have never have sent such a mean message. Can you flippin believe it? Im am so mad right now my chest hurts and my ears are ringing. Here it is 3:19am I havent slept a wink, I have to be at work at 8 and that cheating, lying, bed pissing mother fucker has kicked ME out of the bed.

    I thought I would feel better writing all this and sharing my foolishness with the anonymous cyber world, but instead I have this tightness in my chest. I can’t even cry.

    • Jewels December 13, 2011, 5:35 AM

      Hello Rebecca,

      I can feel the anger in your email, you feels used and very upset that he would even hint at kicking you out of the bed for being ‘mean’ to her (I personally would of been angry at some random FB person talking about my daughter to my husband, but that is another issue).

      You have a right to be upset, you trusted him and he is still playing games. You are not a fool – at all. You trusted your husband and gave him another chance, that’s it. I did the same thing, took him back and for 3 months he was still seeing her right in front of me and I didn’t know it, and unfortunately, the second time around stings more than the first, which is why you are in so much pain.

      For your husband to get that upset at you for messaging her means that he has some issues and his priorities are not straight. To be honest, focusing on him is going to cause you more stress and chest pain (I went to the doctor a couple of times due to chest pain during this ordeal – not fun). I would take a back seat on focusing on him and the craziness, and start to reflect and thing about Rebecca and what type of life Rebecca wants to live. I know it’s hard to do amidst the drama, but force yourself to do it even if it is for a few minutes a day. Think about the life YOU want to live and what that would look like, and take steps towards that. Eventually, the more you start thinking about the life you want to live, you will automatically take steps towards it. You will get through this Rebecca.

  • Sunshine December 13, 2011, 2:25 PM

    So I married a man 13 years older than me thinking he was mature by that age and wanted to settle down. We knew each other for 12 years and in December last year he send me a private message on facebook. Started out with how has it been going just like he starts out doing with married women and 20 year olds on facebook. We eventually got married and after being married I asked him to delete his facebook because he openly admitted married women chat with him all the time. Being the smart person I am that threw up a red flag because married women have no right facebooking, texting, emailing a male moreless a married one. Just like a married man shouldn’t be doing either has he was. He would go behind my back and reactivate his facebook time after time and lie about it when confronted. He has a facebook addiction. In August I get a phone call from a highschool senior wanting to let me know that my husband had been facebooking one of her 20 year old friends that was still a senior in highschool (I mean what a real winner). The girl forwarded me all the facebook messages between them
    and after him being confronted he got all mad and through blame on me and told me it was me setting him up to make me look stupid when I didnt even know this girl. I mean really!!! Later on in September I get a message from this married man asking me to tell my husband to leave his wife alone and stop facebooking her. So that same day I had enough and went and had divorce papers drawn up and told him he could either delete facebook for good since he abuses the privledge or lose me. He deleted it for 2 days and back behind my back he was doing it all over again. So I filed for divorce because I will not be disrespected in that manner. In October he has this 20 year old putting on his wall she wanted his funnel cake and he put he wanted her cotton candy and she put back her candy apple was sweeter talking sexual. Now remind you a human in his 40’s acting like this. Our divorce was final in November. Wasn’t two weeks later he was on my door steps crying and beating his head on a brick wall saying he was sorry he admits his wrong and will do whatever it takes to get our marriage back even go to counseling after I begged him to do that before the divorce. We go to counseling and the counselor straight up to his face told him to get rid of facebook for good if he wanted this to work and he shouldn’t even put himself in that position married or not. Before we went into counseling his facebook was deleted the same night as counseling he REACTIVATED it. Can you believe this. Like I told him his chances ran out a long time ago and he needed to delete it or Im done for good. So over this past weekend I discover he has facebook and when confronted bold face lied about it. Remind everyone I dont have facebook! I told him I was done for good and he said that was stupid over facebook and I should trust him!!! Now Im pretty sure I know the answer but should I tell him to kiss my tail and never look back??? Then he says he doesnt like the tention when its all his doing and dission making!!!

  • Sunshine December 13, 2011, 2:41 PM

    Not too mention he says I’m overreacting and the counselor raises up out of his seat and says to him she has a right to overreact and if she wasnt I would think shes stupid and told him he was stupid to think I wouldnt overreact

    • Jewels December 14, 2011, 6:29 AM

      Hello Sunshine,

      You are not leaving him over facebook, you are leaving him because he is lying and interacting with 20 year old’s. I agree with you, as a 40 year old man, posting that you want a 20 year old’s cotton candy is a big much, and he should be totally embarrassed that a high school student contacted you. I can tell from his response that he was even through he would not admit it.

      I think you did the right thing. You gave him many chances to straighten up. You filed for divorce and gave him another chance, and he still can’t stop. And to be honest, I know this was all around facebook, but if he ends up shutting fb down, within a couple of months, he will find a new tool to use. More importantly he needs to go to counseling himself for a while and understand why he has the need to interact with married women and 20 year old’s. And clearly he is not ready to have that conversation. So in my personal opinion, you are not overreacting, your job in life is not to babysit him everyday and check and see if he is on fb, or any other tool. When I would hear those type of things (you are overacting, etc., etc.,) instead of getting angry, after a while I would just say yep, sure am. Agree with him and proceed to continue to do what you feel is the right thing for you. I just don’t see that he is ready to turn things around for himself. Ironically fb brought you together and tore you guys apart…darn.

  • Theresa December 13, 2011, 3:58 PM

    This didn’t just start with Facebook. When AOL first started the IM Chat, Classmates, and My Space began the connection of getting people reconnected from their past and casual acquaintances could meet in chat rooms and start relationships there.

    I completely agree that some people have no conscious, common sense or whatever you want to call it when they post things. My husband started having alot of women friends and majority I didn’t know who they were. When I asked him his answer was they were from his high school and said they are “just friends”. The women would make flirtacious comments which he just ate up. THey started FB chatting and I put my foot down and he blew me off until his own family and our daughters started asking him why he had more women as friends then men. When he finally “got it, there was a couple of female friend requests that came in and his mom and I asked who they were. “Some girls I went to school with” he replied. We asked if they hung out together or were good friends and he replied he barely knew them. So, his mom and I in unison said, then there is no reason to want to know what is happening in their lives now and just ignore the request. He said it never dawned on him that it was okay to ignore the request because he didn’t want to hurt their feelings. We said he doesn’t know them and doesn’t owe them anything. So, from that point on, when he gets female friend requests, I get to approved or disapprove them. We went through his FB and removed all the friends that were not male, family or couple friends of ours.

    FB is a virtual coffee shop, bar, whatever you want to make it where people can connect. It is not evil but people who have dishonorable intentions or weak use it to destroy their lives in ways in one click.

    Theresa

    • Jewels December 14, 2011, 6:34 AM

      Thanks Theresa,

      I agree with you, fb is a tool. And if tomorrow fb shut down completely, they will find another tool of choice on the internet. I know several people personally that have found moms, brothers, and sisters on fb. Since it’s such an open tool, you can utilize it for whatever you want, some for good use, some for naughty things. That’s cool that you have an approval process. I thought the same thing about my husband, why do you have all these girls as friends, and why do I not know any of them but 2 out of the 100? I wish I would of thought of the technique you used back when I had the same thoughts.

  • Theresa December 13, 2011, 4:04 PM

    This is to Sunshine:

    Sounds like your husband either is a Sex Addict or a Love Addict where they crave attention. FB is how he administers his drug of choice. Until he realizes he has a problem and wants to change, he won’t. I am sorry that you had to go through this.

  • Sunshine December 13, 2011, 6:29 PM

    Oh he def craves attention! He has to be seen and loves attention from all ages females. We would walk in a store together and he would tell a women he lobed her hair or outfit just to be noticed by her. It would be different if I looked like a dog but like the counselor told him he’s lucky he got me in the first place! The thing is he gets all the love and bedroom time he wants plus more than he can handle. Just he likes to me noticed and attention on him! I deserve better and will not play seconds to anybody especially a Facebook fling

  • LisaP December 14, 2011, 11:00 AM

    @Theresa and Sunshine, FB and many other site are tools for people and ther are addicting too. These people who get hooked into them are missing something in their own lives and they need a computer to make themselves feel better. When all along the person who can make them feel better is right in front of them (wifes & family). My husband got addicted to all the porn sex forums and AshleyMadison sites. He couldn’t get enough, would even wake up in the middle of the night to check his phone or watch porn. When we would have sex, sometimes 2-3 times a day on weekends he would jump on the pc when I left the house to run errands to watch hardcord porn. I threatened divorce too and he cried to me that he has an addiction problem and I said no shit! He was and alcoholic too on top of the sex addiction. They go hand in hand, since he started AA he has been clean and sober and finally understands what he was doing is cheating. Even though I was telling him for years he never thought so as long as he wasn’t touching these women.(he said is was just fun!) But in AA an old woman told him he had been cheating on me with these women for years, then he finally understood. I didn’t divorce him after all because he never physically touched anyone and he took responsibilty for his actions. The trust is hard to repair after so much drama and mistrust over a 5yr period., but it’s growing slowly and I am trying my best. He keeps saying he will make this up to me but really how can he?

  • jeannie December 14, 2011, 3:37 PM

    Lisa, I’ve noticed your support of me and other women today and I want to send you an encouraging message. My husband has been sober for 8 years and also has a porn addiction. His problem is that he was not honest with his friends in AA or with therapists. I only learned of his affairs a month ago. I understand the importance of honesty in all forms of recovery because I am 11 years sober. The fact that a woman in AA told him he had been cheating all these years and he finally understood is a very good sign. It sounds like he is grasping the concept of honesty. That is wonderful! Sometimes it takes some one else to tell them something before they will listen. It hurts the spouse because he or she has tried to. I wish you all the best in your recovery from the pain. Take care of yourself.

  • LisaP December 15, 2011, 10:59 AM

    Jeannie thank you, this site has been a God send to me. I can vent and express my thoughts without judgement. It’s free therapy! I dont know how many therapist have been cheated on so they really don’t know the pain we go through and can only give us so much support. My mother asked me why I visit this site? I told her it’s my therapy, plan and simple. We women all have a bonded through this site and that makes us stronger. My close girlfriends call me “The Sleuth”, because I have so many ways to find out information on the OW or my husband. If they are in any trouble they just call me and I am there for them.

  • Tina January 5, 2012, 11:01 PM

    My husband hooked up with is old girlfriend from Facebook. I read this article and was like, “Oh My God!”. This is just what happened. Most of my husband’s “friends” are women. Women from his youth. I knew that when this one pig contacted him back in 2009 it wasn’t good. I expressed my concerns and he kept telling me that he doesn’t care about her and he loves me and all this crap. Come to find out that she started messaging him over FB in September and then it escalated to texts, phone calls and emails and finally meetings. He works in NYC and we live in PA so it was easy for him to tell me that he had to work late. He started telling me that he was staying over in NY at a co-workers apartment…all the time he was going to her house to spend the night. He went to her house on Christmas Eve to exchange gifts. He lied and said he was going to a friend’s house on New Years Day to watch the football game…he came home at 4:30 the following morning. I busted him when I came across a packing slip in his pocket with her name on it. I just KNEW then and my heart sank. I confronted him about it and he came out that he was seeing her. At first he played it off that there was no sex…then I find out it’s very sexual. He’s been telling her that he loves her and that kills me the most. She KNOWS that he’s married and has four kids. I just feel so confused. He says he wants to work it out and we are supposed to go to marriage counseling on the 16th of the this month…but he’s still seeing her. He says he just can’t break it off with her yet. He has a real connection with her physically but, at the same time, he says he can’t see himself with anyone else than me in the future. This is TORTURE!! I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I keep thinking about them being together, him lying to me and my heart is just broken. If anyone can please let me know if this gets any better…I would appreciate it. I feel so alone and like such a FOOL!! I have been a loving and loyal wife for 12 years…we have been together for 18. He keeps saying he’s “sorry” but that enrages me more because I feel like: 1.) He’s sorry that he got “caught”. It’s not fun anymore and 2.) If you were really, truly sorry you would break it off with her! This sucks!!

  • Tina January 5, 2012, 11:05 PM

    Oh Gail,
    Your story is just like mine and you are giving me hope. I don’t know if your husband broke it off with the OW right away. Mine is still in contact with his. Now this is all very new as I just found out on Monday and have been telling him to cut her off. He says he “can’t” just yet, but he really wants to work things out. He is very eager to attend marriage counseling, which I am taking as a good sign…..but he’s still in contact with her. Did your husband break it off right away or did it take a little while?

  • Tina January 5, 2012, 11:13 PM

    I also made one of the cardinal errors that were listed above. I did contact her on FB. At first I sent her a message looking for answers. She ran to hubby claiming that she was “scared”. He told me not to harass her and I let him read what I sent to her. Today I sent her a message saying that she’s a horrible person. “What kind of woman would mess around with a married man?” I asked…knowing he has a family. One that is only thinking of herself and has no conscience. I told her to get the hell out of my marriage and our lives. I just closed my FB account and I feel a little better.

  • Tina January 5, 2012, 11:23 PM

    Oh Jane,
    I know exactly how you are feeling. I can’t stop shaking either. This morning I tried to have a cup of coffee…only the puke it back up. It’s a very physical thing..the pain is physical. Also, my husband got very protective of all of his passwords too. He was always on his Blackberry and never let me see anything…in fact, he got defensive when I asked. This was going back as far as a year or so ago….why didn’t I see those red flags that I see now? I feel like such a fool!

    • Jewels January 7, 2012, 3:32 AM

      Hello Tina,

      Another story of a cheating husband. The thing that concerns me most about your story is that he is still seeing her, saying that he can’t break it off just yet. My husband didn’t out right say this, but when I put the phone to his face and told him to break it off, I should of known. Your husband caught feelings for this women and the fantasy world she has created. I know it cuts like a knife hearing your husband say he can not break it off.

      This is very fresh so your emotions are all over the place. I will tell you to be careful. You don’t want to get into a situation where he is going to counseling with you on a continual basis and still seeing her. If that happens that could be an indication that he is still caught up with this women, but wants to hold on to the image of family.

      At a certain point when you feel comfortable, he needs to choose, maybe counseling will help.

      Lastly, you are not a fool, you trusted your husband which is what we are suppose to do, if he says he is working late, then you believe him. Trust me, if you would of questioned him, he probably would of made you feel like you are blowing things out of proportion.

      I wish you well in your recovery. This stage is really hard, eating and sleeping will not be easy, so try to be easy on yourself, your body is in shock, but you will recovery.

  • Michele January 6, 2012, 2:18 PM

    Wow! I can sooo relate to this site. I’ve been married for over 31 years and like a total idiot trusted my husband when he was out of town. Over the past few years he has been spending less and less time with me. I kept thinking that it was because it was of starting up a new business. We both have facebook accounts and I continually asked him to be my friend. He told me that he didn’t need to be my friend because we lived together and knew what each other was doing. Stupid stupid me!!! I believed him. Now I find that he’s been with another woman for at least 2 years. I feel so ill. I wake up in the middle of the night stressing so much. He won’t talk to me other than to say… It’s me, not you. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Nothing seems important to me. Now he’s seeing a head shrink and still tells me nothing except that she told him that the two of us are poison to each other now. And he’s still sees that Skank.

    • Jewels January 7, 2012, 3:39 AM

      Hello Michele,

      Sorry to hear about your situation. Your husband does not seem to be helping at all, which is sometimes more devastating than finding out. I remember being so mad because he had someone to talk to (OW) at a moment’s notice, and me, I am out here all alone!

      All I will tell you is that is is time to focus on Michele, your husband is doing who knows what, and I know you are so hurt by this because he is not doing anything to repair the marriage. And if I were you, I would not do anything as well, because you will find yourself stressed trying to fix a marriage where one person is totally not engaged. Turn that energy within, consider personal therapy for yourself as you might need help processing and healing from such pain. I wish you well.

  • Jimmy January 12, 2012, 10:19 PM

    I know this is a man-hater site, but cheating is a two-way street. Considering the fact that women spend up to 5x as much time on FB than men, I’d say the number of women using FB as an “escape” or a cheat line is at least the same. I know my wife has & it’s caused a huge issue in our marriage.

  • LisaP January 13, 2012, 8:22 AM

    Jimmy, we all know it’s a two-way street. Women have posted here that have done the cheating too. It’s not a “man-hater site” but more of a trying to figure out what now to do with the rest of our lifes after so much pain was intensionally brought on us. You you don’t like this site move on, simple as that.

  • LisaP January 13, 2012, 8:24 AM

    Jimmy, Also this site is soooo much cheaper than therapy, how many therapist do you know that have been cheated on and are willing to talk about it?

  • JB January 13, 2012, 6:24 PM

    Jimmy, you need to read more on this site before making such a statement. This is not a “man hating” site- it is just the opposite. We all love our husbands and in a perfect world would all like to save our marriages. Unfortunately, some husbands don’t want to do the work that is required to save a marriage after they have cheated, and this is a safe place to release the anger and sadness for many women. Like LisaP said, this site is more about healing and trying to deal with all the pain and agony associated with finding out that your husband has had an affair, and what to do next. We all know women cheat also, and there have been betrayed husbands that have joined the conversations also. This site has been a life-line for many women, myself included. The work that is done here is honorable and true. I think more research is due on your part before making such comments. I hope you and your wife are able to work through your problems without help from others, but always know we are here to help if you ever find the need. Peace and Blessings

  • Jimmy January 13, 2012, 11:33 PM

    Thanks ladies, sorry if I came across a little bitter, but the things that stood out to me were the comments about how stupid men are and do they really not think we know? Neither sex is a “superior” sex nor should it be. We’re all people and do stupid things at times. I’m not totally innocent in my relationship issues. I’ve battled pornography throughout my life & marriage. I’ve never paid for it or put my family in any financial distress over it, but I can see how it pulled me away from trying to become closer to my wife. It’s always been cyclic as we’d lose a connection, start fighting about dumb crap, she wouldn’t want to be with me and then I’d fall into the same routine. I’ve been wrong & have tried extremely hard over the past few years to be done with it. It is a huge time waster and has no place in my marriage no matter what she has said or done.
    The reason I bring up the pornography issues is twofold. First, to show I’m not perfect, I have my faults & have contributed to our marriage issues & secondly, we create habits for ourselves that take us away from the daily grind. Both men & women. My wife has cheated on me physically, twice, that I know of, with an old boyfriend; the second time she got pregnant with his son and recently has been in this emotional affair with a different old boyfriend. She talks to both of them via FB email and I’m sure through her Yahoo email. She has given them both her telephone number and hides behind talking to the first guy as necessary because I finally forced her to tell my second son he wasn’t mine. That was a mess, but I’m glad it’s out. I have four boys, including him, raised him as my own, loved & provided him with everything he could need or want. He’s currently studying to be a surgeon & I am very proud to call him my son. Her reasoning for having the affair with this guy is that I didn’t pay enough attention to her. I wasn’t running around drinking, women chasing & the Internet was just starting when all this happened. I did have two jobs & was finishing my degree because all she ever wanted, was to be a stay home mom & take care of the kids. I was trying to provide that life for her and that’s the respect she gave me back. I took her back because she “didn’t love” him & I was in the Air Force 2500 miles from my first son. My choices were to let this tool bag raise my son that I only get to see 3 weeks out of the year or take her back & raise his. He NEVER tried to make contact with him until she finally told my son the truth. Then she used him as an excuse to keep in touch with the guy. Over the past few years, through FB, she reestablished contact with her second old boyfriend. Everyday she’d make cute comments or like his status or pictures; this in front of all our family. I asked her to unfriend him. She said no & that I was just being a bullying & jealous & there was nothing more than the open chats between them. Once again I wronged her & our marriage; I became jealous and upset, I began adding women I had no idea who they were, but the hotter the better. Then I’d start making cute comments on their pics, the sluttier the better. I never said anything more than she did, but as you could imagine, it caused a huge riff. I knew I was wrong, but I knew she knew she was too. I deleted my FB account & tried to let it go. Then I had to go TDY (temporary duty) to San Diego to a conference. The last day of the conference was going to be on our 21st anniversary. I decided I was going to cut it short & surprise her. I ordered her a dozen yellow roses over the phone, changed my flight & began my journey home. I was in Dallas waiting for my connecting flight when I checked my voice mail, I had one from my son telling me she was freaking out because I didn’t get her anything (the flowers didn’t get there until 7pm because they had to wait for the shipment) another one from her telling me how much an asshole I am & then a third telling me to ignore her first because she just got her flowers. She didn’t know I was coming home & I called from Dallas. She apologized about acting out, I accepted & told her I was trying to make it home before midnight so we could be together on our anniversary. I made it through the door at 11:55! Everything was great that night, she was in love with me & I couldn’t do anything wrong. A week later she had left herself logged on & her FB account up & open. I noticed a message from the second guy on the day of our anniversary. I clicked on it & they had been talking back & forth ALL DAY about how they still loved each other (he’s married & had been for 18 years), missed each other, wondered what if and rarely had a day go by when they didn’t think of each other. There was at least 12 messages back & for, two of which came after I called her from Dallas & she KNEW I WAS COMING HOME!!! On our anniversary. Really?!? After she cussed me out because I didn’t care about her?!?
    FB has been nothing but a heartache & has shown me what I always knew but didn’t want to believe, she either truly doesn’t love me or has absolutely no respect for me as a person, a man, her husband or the father of her children. I grew up on foodstamps & government food, we lived in a small Podunk town & were High School sweathearts. I married her, took her away from all that crap & gave her the life she said she always wanted. I have my undergrad in Behavioral Science & a Masters in Business. I’ve worked my ass off my entire life & have provided well for her, she has never wanted for anything. I’ve never run around on her, done drugs, don’t drink & have always been involved in my kid’s lives. I’m not perfect but I know I’ve become a good man a great dad & have tried to be a good husband.
    My endpoint to all this; women are stupid too. People are stupid. Marriage is give & take from both. If there is no true commitment to the marriage, other people, small things that really don’t matter, FB & 10,000 other things will always come between you & your spouse. Only one can’t be committed or devoted, it has to be both & both have to be all-in.
    I’m sorry if I offended any one with my first comment. It gets tiresome to hear about the guys, when it’s both, all the time, in everything. Women crave love & men crave respect & neither are given if you’re not all-in. It takes a lot of hard work on both sides to have a chance. Last night she told me she wasn’t going to give him up as a FB friend and I needed to just deal with my jealousy. I’m also very sorry to all of you that have been hurt. I get it & I’m a man. Strange, huh?

  • JB January 14, 2012, 6:15 AM

    Jimmy, thanks for the post. I now have a better understanding as to why you would think that way about a cheating husband site. While most of the people here are women, men also post from time to time, and are always welcome to join the conversation. It is true we do need to be reminded from time to time that there are many husbands out there hurting as well- and that they too have lived through hell in their marriages. I am sorry for your situation with your wife. It sounds like you both fell into the same hole of complacency, routine, and letting life get in the way that many of us here that have been in long term relationships (25 years for me)have found ourselves in. You also have a lifetime of experiences to sort through also- and that part can be extra hard. It is human nature to forgive but never forget- expecially when it is love we are talking about. I admire your honesty and willingness to admit your faults -many men have a hard time even believing that they have done anything wrong or have even played a part in the marriage problems- women too fall into this. It sounds to me that you have taken the high road in your marriage many times when things were tough- and have tried to keep it together during times of turmoil and chaos. You must really love her. I don’t have any personal experience with FB (don’t even have an account) too busy with life to have time for that, but many people here have had MAJOR problems with it. I think that FB and other people connection websites have offered those that are looking for something they think is missing in their lives an easy solution and a way to fill some empty places. While I am all for friendships with the opposite sex it takes special boundaries to keep those relationships healthy for everyone involved and not cause more issues than the friendships are worth. I also believe that when someone is putting that much effort into something that really is just a fantasy that they bulid up it up in their heads – it does become addictive – in reality it is an affair– that attention should be focused on those you have built your life with- not so called “friends” on FB- but so many don’t see it that way until the damage is already done. Long term realtionships are hard- they just are. We all marry so young- for me right out of college- and 20 or so years down the road- well– we all start to wonder “what if” the grass is greener on the otherside of the fence- many of us (you included) have never tempted fate to see if is- but still wonder- those that do cross that line-(your wife and my husband) often find that it is just a fantasy and what they really want is reality, but they have a hard time communicating that to their “real” partner in life. I don’t know your wife, but from your comments she seems to be searching for acceptance and attention on some level that she feels is missing. She still hasn’t found it, because she continues to look outside your relationship to find it- most women I know want that from our spouses -but don’t know how to get it. You are a very patient man might I add. I am not sure I would be able to stay in a marriage after so many heartbreaks. Have you ever tried therapy? I know that it has helped my husband, myself, and our marriage beyond anything we could have ever imagined. Your wife needs to find a way to find out the deeper meaning of why she displays such behavior, and you need to find a way to reach her on the level that she needs from you to feel whole, safe, and loved. This is hard for couples like us because there are so many bridges to cross -we have decades of past experiences together to explore and truly process. I know for me, my husbands affair has been the best thing that ever happened to our marriage other than our children of course. I haven’t always felt this way, but after A LOT of hard work with myself and my husband I can honestly say that it was the biggest wake-up call of our lives. If and when you are able to open up and really communicate, it can take your marriage to a place you didn’t even know possible. I know it sounds like a bunch of “hooey” but it is true. The level of communication is so deep, but this takes time- effort and constant attention by both parties- there is nothing EASY about it. The pay-off is a marriage that both of you have always wanted. You both love each other or you still wouldn’t be together, you both want something that you can’t or won’t express to one another, and you both are searching- sometimes outside the marriage to fill those needs. I know as a woman I put many of my own needs and desires on the back burner while I have been raising my kids, working, etc… Now, I don’t- and I NEVER expressed them to my husband. The affair has taught me that – I can’t put my needs aside, in reality some of my needs actually fill the needs of my husbands we just never talked openly about it- until now. When we all started out on this journey with our spouses so many years ago, we all had dreams and visions about what marriage was- that is different for men and women, but there was a connection that formed that bond. Today we all look back and say Oh what niave and silly kids we all were to beleive that marriage could be that way- and on some levels we were right, but on others it is there we just have to dig deep and be willing to put in the work to find it again. I hope that you and your wife are able to find a way to connect again, but just as Jewels tells the women here- it takes both parties to make a marriage work and it is twice as hard once infidelity has entered the marriage. Trust, honesty, and openness– are keys to making it work my friend- plus lots of talking, talking, and more talking :) The fact that you were willing to put yourself out there on a site like this- tells me volumes about your desire to save this marriage. I will pray for you and your wife that you do find a way back to one another, and are able to re-connect on the level that both of you need. Don’t hesitate to ask your questions – you will get all kinds of female perspective I am sure, but also remember stay true to your heart. You are one of the good guys and you deserve to be happy. Peace and Blessings

  • Jimmy January 14, 2012, 3:04 PM

    Thank you all.

    • Jewels January 14, 2012, 4:13 PM

      Hello Jimmy,

      I know some men get the impression it’s a man-hater site. Just realize like yourself that when you see those comments, they are coming from women who are in deep pain. Anger is an expression of pain. I enjoy it when men come to the site. I would like more men to come to the site because hearing your perspective is wonderful and can give us insight into our own healing. Plus, like JB says, men have come to the site with their pain, and every time one does, it gives hope to hundreds of women that ‘wow’ there are good men, men get cheated on and hurt as well. I just created the site for women because I am one. I wish there was a site like this for men – I have talked to many men that have been cheated on, the pain is universal. I am glad you shared your story. JB wrote such a wonderful response, I will not touch it as far as you personal situation. I did literally felt the pain as you wrote how she was liking and flirting on another man’s FB page in front of family – yikes. And I hope your not offended by this, but I did chuckle when you wrote about how you would friend the hottest girls and write comments just to get back at her – I thought…oh boy. The greatest part about your story is your honesty and openness, willing to share your own faults, take care!

  • Jimmy January 14, 2012, 6:47 PM

    JB – Thanks.
    Jewels – No offense taken at all. That was the point of that part of my post. To show how stupid we get when we get hurt. All logic & maturity goes out the window. I’ve turned into a guy I can’t stand so many times by letting my jealousy, pain, anger, loneliness and despair get the best of me. Then I get even more upset at her because if it was for her doing what she’s doing, I wouldn’t be acting this way. Of course, we are the only ones that can control our reactions & it is ALL my fault for acting that way. We don’t have control over our spouse, but we do have control over our actions & there has been MANY times I acted a fool & I always regret it. I had an emotional affair myself, a few years after her physical affair. I get it, at the time it was nice to have someone listen & care, but once I pulled myself away, I regretted it. Not just because of the time & attention it took away from my wife, but because it wasn’t the man I wanted to be. It wasn’t right for me to be all hurt & upset if I was going to be this piece of crap guy running getting comfort from another woman. I stopped, told my wife about it & did everything I could to make it right. This was over 12 years ago & she still throws it up in my face, I think more to justify why she keeps bringing other men into our marriage. It’s hard to do the right thing every time & I don’t. She battles Borderline Personality Disorder and most things are my fault, in her eyes, and she doesn’t see anything wrong with what she’s doing while she’s doing it. For 15 years following her affair she would tell me it was just as much my fault she cheated on me as it was hers & even when she told my sons about it, she hid behind, “I thought it was over between your dad & I”, even though we both agreed she’d come back to me in California & we’d go to counseling. I guess she found her own personnel counselor, just like she has on FB.
    One of the biggest things that hurts me the most is she is such a different person around everyone else. She’s very controlling and hard to be around with me, but is the fun loving; easy going 17 year old she used to be around her boyfriends, friends and family. She tells me how much she loves to have sex, but it’s like pulling teeth for us to be together. Her family knows her flip-flopping & had to deal with all of her affair crap back home when she came back out to me. But people around us just see this awesome sweet wife, mom & woman. It’s just a huge façade & very tiresome. I’ve been back from Baghdad going on 3 years. I’ve had a lot of health issues and anxiety related problems, but she refuses to ease up & help me deal with them. She’s there every time I mess up to point it out & lets me know all my fault, but rarely admits her own. This FB thing is just another huge issue in a line of 100s.
    I do love her very much, I love my boys with all my life & wish things were different between my wife & I, but I can’t make her see how the things she does hurts me, our marriage & our family. Please don’t get me wrong, she has a lot of great qualities. When she’s good, she’s great and is a wonderful mother, but without respect in the marriage & without mutually agreed on boundaries, any marriage will stumble & eventually fail.
    Thank you all for your acceptance of me on this sight. It is nice to get a woman’s perspective on things as well as reassuring that I’m not nuts. If anyone would like a man’s perspective on things, let me know. I understand the pain, furstration & loneliness, but I promise, we’re all not that bad.

    -Jimmy

  • JB January 15, 2012, 10:56 AM

    Jimmy,
    First, THANK YOU for your service to our country. So many of us that are not connected to the armed forces forget that soliders like yourself risk not only your physical health in war time, but also come home with emotional and mental scares that are huge hurdles to overcome. I am truly grateful for the sacrifices that you and your family have had to make for our freedom.

    I am in awe of your strength and commitment to your marriage, your wife, and your boys. You are indeed a good man. We all know that marriage is never perfect, but also hope that our spouses are willing to work towards a common goal together. I admire your candid comments about your life- so many men would have a really hard time opening up to anyone- much less a group of women. Thank you! We do know that there are good guys out there, we all thought we married one- and we probably did — they just made some really bad choices along the way. We also know that we all make mistakes- that is just part of being human. We all want marriages that are based on mutual respect and honesty. It is nice to know that there are men out there fighting for the same thing. You are right, you can’t make your wife see what she has done is hurting you- only she can do that. As much as we all want our spouses to feel the pain, and realize how much it hurts– we can’t. I do hope that your wife will get the help that she needs to heal herself and discovers what she truly needs to make her feel good about herself and your life as a couple- it seems like from your comments there are many things she needs to deal with to be herself again- and she deserves that. I also hope that you are able to find the peace and support to heal from the trauma of war and are able to rebuild your marriage like you so desire. I am no expert by any means – but it seems like you may need some outside help to deal with all you guys have to overcome and sort through. I once saw a special on TV about PTSD and millitary families, I know they found help through couseling and intense group therapy- not sure what organization, but I am sure you could find out. Have you ever thought about something like that? I know you are searching and seeking help- or you wouldn’t be here- and I am glad you are. Hopefully someone here will have better feedback for you than me– But know I do care and am here to support you how ever I am able-You are not nuts, just stressed, hurt, and trying to do the right thing–affairs and all the other stuff you are having to deal with is overwhelming to say the least– keep going forward you will survive this- You and your family are in my prayers as you continue on this journey. Peace and Blessings

  • Jimmy January 16, 2012, 2:32 AM

    JB,
    Thanks for the kind words, support & prayers. I’ve been tested twice for PTSD, but I don’t believe that is it. That area has been tested for toxins and has been found to be 24x worse than China. I did alot of running & working out outside. When I got back, I had sleeping (not nightmares) and anxiety issues. I wound up getting pneumonia twice of the next year (once in the summer), and being diagnosed with asthma & myashtenia gravis. I have no history of either in my family. The Air Force has sent me to several specialists & is currently in the process of medically retiring me. I can’t complain, it could’ve been a lot worse, but my tolerance for crap in my life is near zero, so having my wife consistently disrespect me with the FB guys and many other day-to-day things has broken me emotionally. That’s why I wound up moving out. There was no peace being around her, which made it more difficult to sleep, which made the anxiety worse as well as my tolerance so much lower. I have been to counseling & psych therapy & am getting better. I think the biggest help has been moving out and not filling trapped (she had a habit of following me around the house & not letting any argument go).
    Anyway, I appreciate you guys running this site. You’re right, most guys just try to bury this stuff as there are no real outlets anywhere. We’re supposed to be tough & just deal, admitting being hurt like this is just being a sissy (which she’s called me several times).
    Drop me a line if there’s anything I can ever help you with.
    Take care & thanks again,
    Jimmy

  • Hannah January 19, 2012, 2:11 PM

    Oh my there are so many husbands who have been cheating on Facebook. I am currently wondering myself. There was a chick who commented on his photo that said awe your cute. so i said aint he tho? and she said i guess but personlity can change a man from hot to not in a sec. WTH she just posted your cute a month ago. Before i accessed his page and seen messages back and forth with this girl. She asked him if he wants to hang out and he says YES!!! gave her his number. I asked him what was htat about and he said it was nothing that we could all hang out. she is an old friend. so i believed him. but now im just suspicious

  • Dee59 January 20, 2012, 8:17 AM

    My case seems to be the exception. I found out my husband was having a “relationship” with an ex-girlfriend through facebook. She had friended my daughter and later on me. We didn’t know who she was but she claimed to have met my daughter during a trip. This past September she posted an old picture of my husband – taken while they were dating years ago – and tagged me. ?? I, of course, wondered what that was all about and went through pictures she had on her page. Low and behold, I found a very recent picture of my husband, taken in our home, posted on her page. That was my first clue. I confronted him about it and he – of course – denied knowing anything about her having a picture of him. I knew he was lying. It was a picture sent with a phone, of course he sent it to her. I let that go and continued on. Three months later she posted something on my son in law’s page and that did it for me. Long story short, they had been in touch for years, almost four, exchanging photos, videos, telephone calls. He claims to have seen her only twice, which of course means he has seen her many more times. Last month when I realized the extent of the relationship and the degree of his lying, I kicked him out. He’s back home now but that’s another subject all together. Had she not posted the photo and tagged me, I never would have known. I’m positive she wanted me to know. Seems like she was under the foolish deliusion that he would leave me to go to her. That was never going to happen. But for her foolishnesh, Lord only knows how much longer it would have gone on. I hate how I feel, how I am behaving, and the fact that he is still here. But I would hate breaking up our marriage over a low class woman even more. So we are working on it. It is not easy and I’m not sure that it is going to work but I will do the best I can. Like I told the Counselor, if I cannot trust him this will never work and right now I do not trust him.

    I guess I should be grateful to FaceBook in my case.

  • bewildered January 27, 2012, 1:45 AM

    Facebook destroyed my family. I used it to contact my overseas family and old work friends (females). He (hubby)asked me to open him an account so he could play online games, one by one he also added my friends whom he also knew from years back, nothing wrong there or so I thought. I have never ever had reason to believe he would ever cheat on me, together 20 years five children succesful business and a devoted wife!!!! One night he had fallen asleep leaving his page open, I came home jumped on the PC to catch up on my messages, there was an inbox so I opened it without even thinking. We have no secrets right? we know one anothers passwords right? WRONG he had changed his some months before I later found out. This opening of the inbox was the begining of a chain of events which almost crucified me. Disgusting messages from my oldest friend talking in graphic detail what she was going to do. !!!!! and how she behaves when shes alone thinking about me?????? At first I had no idea what the hell was going on. Thinking it was my FB and this inbox was intended for me as this was my oldest friend but in twenty seconds of reading and re-reading the penny dropped. This was intended for my husband. It was his FB left open. With my heart almost beating through my chest wall I continued reading and there were several msgs to one another going back several weeks. They had been meeting up booking into motels having the most amazing -superb – never better – filthy – kinky (it was all detailed) sex which made me literally vomit. I lay on the bathroom floor sobbing for ages, the last time they had a rendezvous I had been chatting online to her that morning!!!!!! he came home that night from his ‘business meeting’ and we had a beautiful intimate sensual evening together!!!!!! Inside i was screaming wildly at his sick sick behaviour and her terrible disgusting deceipt. I had to do something, firstly I changed his FB password and logged out. I then messaged her and RAGED about how much I hated her and she was disgusting. I also threatened her with physical harm and that I was going to drive seven hours through the night to come and see her poor unfortunate husband and show him the msgs I had printed off. Why should I be the only one suffering. Then I cleaned out our joint bank account packed him a suitcase woke him up and threw his car keys at him. It was by now around dawn I told him to be gone by the time our children got up I told him how much I hated him and her and that he made me ill being in the same house as him. He moved into a motel with his tail between his legs and this is how we continued for three months or so. I never told a soul. I wrote a few msgs to her mainly empty threats when it was the wee small hours and I was all alone missing him desperately. During the course of our estrangement he received maybe half a dozen messages from other women we both knew – he had been slutting around all of them behind my back (at least 4 that i have proved) I answered them all as myself and told them all they werent the only ones he had strung along. I deleted and blocked them all I closed his FB and I have moved away. I have moved at least 700 KMs away leaving my home my surroundings and my job I am just so bewildered why he did this

  • Mrs Wise January 27, 2012, 12:26 PM

    Well, something like that happened to me, my husband had susch and so friend which i asked to remove and he did!
    And at the beggining of this week , i found a secret message of a girl saying let’s pretend you don’t know me and don’t see my message .I know i found it and almost die. Then another drunk girl wishing him all the best this year, and asking him to keep in touch.
    What i have plenty of friends on my fb, but they see my pictures and i stated i’m married, most of my friends are from school in a foreign country, when i came from, but everybody talks to me with respect.
    I had found all exes and requested my friendship by i blocked them. Why because i’m marry and respect my husband and kids.
    So, i talked to him about this and he denied everything until i show him the e-mails because i saved them, and then he said o.k. i will delete my account and he did!
    This is a good way to have contact with old friends, but just like that, state that we are marry, do not accept friendship from people that we know are going to bring “TROUBLE” to our lives!
    Well, i already told my husband that if i find out another thing like that i don’t want him in my life, because the way i respect him and love him, i deserve respect too!
    Blessings to all, and don’t let technology destroy your lives, just enjoy life, because we never know when are we going to leave!
    And if you decide to keep your fb, ask your partner to have the p.w. and viceversa!

  • Confused February 2, 2012, 10:33 AM

    I discovered my husbands affair on my own and confronted him. He finally came clean and I requested that he defriend her on facebook and he refuses saying that she will go around saying that his wife told him to do it and she would win???? What should I do? We are seeing a marriage counselor but this affair is not over.

    • Jewels February 2, 2012, 10:52 PM

      Confused - That does not feel right. You caught him and he can not unfriend her? The marriage should be more important than a ‘friend’. If he wants to work things out, he has go to let it go and not care what anyone thinks but you. I hope the counselor is able to help on this subject because he is too worried about her and what people will say.

      bewildered, So you lost your husband and your oldest friend, crushing. Those messages are truly traumatic, I hope you are in a position to get therapy, because you have been through alot. You will never be satisfied with the why he tells you. It can drive you crazy trying to figure it out, he was just selfish, and so was your oldest friend. I hope you are in a position to start your healing process, I know it’s tough right now, I hope the best for you!

      Mrs. Wise – Thanks for the advice. I agree, friending ex’s just breeds trouble. The thing is people think they can handle it, but unfortunately you do not know the other person’s intentions of friending you, and thinks can turn ugly fast. I agree, if you are marriage you should have nothing to hide, including facebook accounts.

  • Sana February 12, 2012, 11:25 AM

    Facebook is evil!
    My husband began his Facebook page when he was deployed the first time because buddies in his unit had one. He had always maintained that facebook caused trouble for teens etc. Well, I am also on Facebook but don’t go on often. I asked him to friend me 3 times on facebook and once verbally and he never did, so I could never see anything behind his wall. He says he “didn’t hear me ask verbally” and “hardly went on facebook anyway” but that is how his old HS GF’s contacted him after his reunion. After I found out in November, he deleted his yahoo email account and Facebook page, of course BEFORE I got a look at them, even though I had asked. He never filled in the marital status blank at all. Of course when he was overseas, he had a phone account in country, so i never got phone records to check. He now has opened up his computer, hard drives and his phone, we share an email and I can check phone records as well. Despite all that, realize how easy it is to set up an online email account that is unknown to your spouse. I would have to pay for a people search to catch that and at this point I don’t think he even wants to, but I still have these fears of waiting for the bomb to drop at times.

  • SunnyD February 19, 2012, 12:18 PM

    I’m a husband and a Facebook junkie who is changing my ways for the strength of my marriage and the sanity of my mind.
    I’ll be honest–I love keeping in contact with friends from the past, especially women. I’m not really a womanizer; from childhood, I had an easier time connecting with females than males. I grew up with 3 sisters and all their friends. My parents raised me, but my mom practically did everything, and communication from my dad was mostly following orders. Having a relationship, a friendship with other guys weren’t as easy of fun as it was with girls.
    I was on Facebook about 2 years before meeting my wife (my girlfriend at the time). It was fun. After dating for 2 years, she decided to join Facebook.
    Then all hell broke loose.
    She would constantly be asking who these women were–if I dated them, if I slept with them. If neither, she’d want to know why I had them on my profile in the first place. She demanded that I keep only those who are family or keep women who she would most likely meet and get to know (of course, she would meet a few later on, and demand that I not communicate with them anymore).
    Being stubborn, I did not. Everything was fine before her connecting to Facebook. Now she’s making it worse, I felt. Our relationship, eventhough we were planning to get married, seemed to take a turn in a different direction. She felt that I was playing games, not being honest, keeping things behind her back. I explained that in as much as I don’t communicate to them, I like to see how everyone–women and men–are doing in their lives, what they are up to. She was totally different–not one to reminisce on her past, only family and immediate friends should be on her list of friends.
    We would argue about this constantly. We both felt very differently about this issue. She was never going to change the way she would feel, and I wanted her to see that there was no harm by leaving my friends’ list the way it was.
    Big mistake.
    Before Facebook improved with their privacy setting, there would be pics of me and other females at bars, parties, workplaces. I wasn’t doing anything silly–just poses standing beside other women, smiling, looking happy. My wife was not happy. Damage control! I had to unlink myself to many pics.
    Did it work? There was peace in the valley for a while. But I messed up.
    And old friend I came across on my list would frequently send messages about where we used to work, and our current relationships, and it became a bit on the flirty side…
    Not good.
    You see, I had a smartphone that I foolishly set up to have Facebook messages appear in the phone. And guess who came across the messages?
    Men, if you are reading this, remember the phrase “A happy wife is a happy life”?
    Get rid of all your female friends that are not family or people that your wife doesn’t know or plan to meet. Do this not for the benefit of keeping the peace in your marriage. Do this because it is right. You avoid temptation. You are married. If you want to talk to other women, work on building on interests that would have you communicate with your wife even more. This is something I’m building on, which is difficult as many interest I have are not of my wife’s. But you got to make your marriage work, so work on it.
    If anything, delete your Facebook profile, and any other social media site for that matter.
    I have a difficult task for many years now to re-build trust in my marriage as my wife has caught me doing foolish things. Don’t let this happen to you. There’s nothing worse than having to explain to tears every interaction you have with a female that she doesn’t know. I can’t even joke about other women. Things might be different with your wife, depending on her personality and confidence. Just be careful with Facebook–it’ll save your marriage and avoid strife in your life.

  • Anormalman February 22, 2012, 6:37 PM

    When electric lights were invented, ppl blamed them for affairs as ppl could stay up later in place alone and talk.

    When cars were invented, ppl blamed them for affairs as ppl could drive to secluded areas and jazz it up.

    When telephones became widely used, ppl blamed them for affairs as ppl could have “secret” conversations and plan illicit events.

    And now, the same type of naieve ppl blame FB for affairs.

    People cause affairs, not technology. Take accountability for your actions.

    • Jewels February 22, 2012, 10:44 PM

      SunnyD – Thanks for sharing that story, I love men coming to the site and sharing. I have said this before, the married couples I know that seem to be doing well, do not have facebook. It a tool that breeds drama. Friending a hot women? Hmmm…who is that. A past girlfriend posting “hugs…miss ya” on your wall? Drama now with the wife seeing that. Someone posting a random pic of you when you were drunk 10 years ago with another girl- drama!!! All of those situations are innocent, but could cause so much drama. And really, marriage is already hard enough, without tools that breed that type of misunderstanding. Keep in touch I will be curious to see how things turn out for you, now that you turned off facebook.

      Anormalman – Do you and your wife have facebook? And do you have access to each other’s accounts?

      Also remember that the people on this site are coming from a place of extreme pain, and if you have been in an place of extreme pain ever in your life, you know that sometimes people latch on to what they can to make it easier, which sometime includes blame. Many of us know that facebook does not cause affairs. It is a tool…..BUT I do feel that this tool in particular creates drama – easily in marriages, like I wrote in my response to SunnyD. More importantly, I feel that the internet and texting exposes affairs in a way that has never been done before, it leaves a mark. Think about it, based off of your examples, lights are on, but no way to track where you are, you can drive to another women’s house, can’t track it, telephones, can’t track what was said. But with texting now – you can see alot unless it’s erased. Facebook, you can see all the interactions unless it’s erased. And with facebook it is super easy for someone to send you something that is suggestive or flirty in nature. Same with email. The ability to leave lasting marks that can be tracked – is a game changer that exposes affairs at an unprecedented rate – so not blaming technology, but saying that it exposes cheating like never before, and makes it super easy to do so.

      Sana – I am glad that he is being open now. A husband that doesn’t friend you is never a good thing – at the same time, some couples do not friend each other people they know it would cause drama – go figure!

  • notyet February 22, 2012, 6:58 PM

    I totally agree with SunnyD, its just a bad things waiting to happen.
    But… Facebook was a very good tool for me during a time when my questions werent being answered honestly.
    Someday I’ll tell my story, its a long one but a really good one. In fact, I may write a book or make a movie about it someday. Put it this way it has the same kind of jaw-dropping ending as “The Usual Suspects”. I was told that the other woman dropped her Kobayashi coffee cup as her jaw dropped.
    And me? Well I guess i can compare my feelings to that of Reese Witherspoon at the end of “Cruel Intentions”…..Satisfied!

  • Anormalman February 23, 2012, 2:48 PM

    Yes we both have FB accounts and we both know each others passwords. But trust me I am definitely not stupid enough to use FB as a medium for affairs. One wrong push of the button and you might post “I’ can’t wait to touch your hot slit tonite” to your wall!

    The important point is that FB doesn’t cause affairs, but it can be a good tool, like a car or cellphone. Because of it’s history tho, only those wanting to get caught will use it.

  • Freebird March 13, 2012, 4:05 PM

    I believe that Facebook does more harm than good…..period. I’ve never understood how one person can ACTUALLY have 565 friends that they will keep in touch with……..not even possible. Other than Facebook being a place to “hit on someone”, it appears to be more of an Ego thing than anything else….IMHO!

  • Gimlet March 15, 2012, 8:47 AM

    Facebook can be a nice way to keep up with family and close friends but as freebird said 565 friends really? If you haven’t see someone in years why go there staying in contact with oldflames,what’s the purpose, leave the past where it belongs int the past. My new rule is no friending anyone WE know . Take that time spent on Facebook and spend it taking a walk with your spouce or just cuddle up, maybe have a real discussion about something you both like or feel passionate about. The payoff is much better than anything you’ll get from Facebook.

  • anormalman March 15, 2012, 8:10 PM

    Jewels

    You correctly mention that tech is exposing affairs at higher rates. It is also exposing how base and narcissistic most of us are. Like the endless cleavage shots on FB, the look at my kids pics, and the “do I look hot in this photo” photos and comments. Human beings in general are predictably selfish and at times pathetic. Again, on this site we often discuss our partners flaws and failings but make only casual reference to our own. I’m sure that narcssicim and selfishness are present on both sides, although it sounds like some of the women here were married to total a$$holes.

    I think as the privacy we once enjoyed is steadily eroded, there will be nowhere to hide from the truth about our natures. That is why I feel monogamy is so flawed, if it wasn’t why are we all speaking to each other here? How can we support traditional notions of relationships when we know that a significant portion will fail (and many of the ones that remain intact aren’t happy anyway).

    Do the women on this site still believe in monogamy? Do they still believe in the fairy tale after it turned out the glass slipper didn’t fit? I am dying to know.

    • Jewels March 16, 2012, 11:56 PM

      Anormalman,

      This is not the first time I have heard that it seems like I do not make reference to my own faults. And I will tell you why. I have no problem telling people that I was not the perfect wife. I was not the perfect wife at all. I was not as affectionate as I should of been. Did not have sex as often as I should have. Did not keep my nails done and hair done all the time. I was the best wife that I could be at the time. And at that time, being pregnant with my second child, I was stressed and overwhelmed. The amount of money coming in and going out was way off, and I just could not handle all of this stress, be the perfect looking wife and carry a child. It was too much for me. I have no problems referencing or mentioning it.

      BUT I do have a problem with using my flaws as a wife for grounds to cheat, which is why I don’t write posts talking about my faults. I am human, I am not going to be the perfect wife all the time. I remember reading a quote once that said something like dating, there are bad days, in marriage there are bad years, but will also be some great years, if you can weather the storm. Marriage is not supposed to be something like ‘when you are the best wife, I will love you, otherwise I will cheat’. And when I start saying my flaws, then cheaters usually say ‘ah ha’ that is why he cheated and I do not believe that. I feel that if you put another person in that same situation, another man might say “wow, she is overwhelmed”, let me try to help. Or let’s talk so that I can understand what her problems are and why she is not being as loving as she usually is. Or man, she is pregnant, maybe her hormones are all over the place, let me hold tight and support her and see what happens when the baby is born. None of that happened, the minute I was down and wasn’t on my A game as a wife, he cheats. Is that how it is supposed to be? Every woman on this site has beat her self up mentally for how they were not the perfect wife, but they should not beat themselves up for their husband’s cheating. That was their actions, and they should take responsibility for it.

      As far as your question on belief in monogamy? I am not sure, I am still hurt that the man I trusted and loved would kick me in the face emotionally when I needed him the most. The next chapter of my life – my biggest challenge is fear of getting into another serious realtionship. I have lived alone for quite some time, divorce is almost final. I told myself this experience cannot let me lose total faith in relationships. So my ‘game plan’ is not to get into future relationships where someone can see me at my low. I think it’s called dating. You put on your best face when you are out, and when the date is over, it’s over. I have an extreme fear of being in a relationship and someone seeing me at my low point, because that is when he cheated. I think you and your wife have a different type situation.I am just speaking from my experience.

      About your point on traditional relationships, I do feel like things need to change. The conversation between husbands and wives need to change. There needs to be more openness, more sharing, more communication, less hiding, less secrets, less deception. There needs to be more openness about man’s desires vs woman’s desires, more talk about sex and having it as a normal part of marriage conversation, because sex and sexual desires is huge but it is talked about so little within most marriages. More talk about insecurities, that is a huge reason for cheating, people needed more validation outside of the marriage. They need to know they ‘still got it’ so they go for the younger 24 year old to validate them. Yes, the conversation needs to change.

  • Gimlet March 17, 2012, 8:14 AM

    Jewels,

    You are so right. We need to talk and touch each other. We all crave this type of attention and sometimes, as we get caught up in everyday life, we forget to do this. Times goes by and suddenly, you feel awkward reaching out to your spouse. You are afraid to discuss your intimate thoughts and/or feelings then resentment builds. My husband and I have for the last week or two made a conscious effort to talk about things (some painful and some just sharing thoughts and memories) and every night, we spend time touching. Sometimes, just a gentle carress or massage, sometimes, kissing like new lovers. Guess what all of the sudden my desire for him is back. For women and men, the mind is the most powerful aphrodesiac. When someone you love makes you feel loved and respected, they can become almost irresistable. So if you are in a place that you feel ready to try and work things out and your spouse has been doing the work to earn back your trust, take a chance reach out and touch them. You may just be very pleasantly surprised by the payoff. I want to stress I am not saying hop back into bed before your ready but, let yourself feel their love. By the way, I do still believe in fairytale. If you think about it, all fairytales have a dark side to them but the protaganists rally and go through their trails to find their true love. Life is like that. Nothing comes easy. We all have to work for our treasures. Nothing is really free but if you’re willing to battle the dragon you, you too can triumph.

  • Heather March 17, 2012, 1:19 PM

    First off, I want to say how sorry I am to all of the women & men who have posted on here that have been hurt by infidelity with facebook playing a role. My husband does not have a facebook account because he already had abused a myspace account that he had in the past by sneaking & contacting an old friend with benefits & looking at racy (basically porn) profile pages. However, I did give him access to my facebook account. I wanted him to have access to it, so he would know that I wasn’t using it unappropriately. Well, I recently realized (because facebook stores who you search for) that he was using my facebook to look at women’s profile pages. He also looked up all of his exes and past booty calls including the friend with benefits that he had contacted on myspace. He tells me he was bored and it was out of curiousty…that he likes to look at women, but he would never contact any of them or physically cheat. He explained looking up his past friend with benefits because she was a good, loyal friend to him and he is just curious how she is doing & how life turned out for her. I know that he didn’t contact any of them, because it is my facebook account, but what if it would have been his own? Would he contact any of them? I feel like society tells us women that we just need to accept that our husbands will look at and desire other women…but isn’t that what leads to infidelity? I feel like a man that has good intentions doesn’t use his wife’s facebook account to scope out women? I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to constantly babysit him. I am not the perfect wife either, but I do try to keep him happy in every way. I am confused.

  • anormalman March 17, 2012, 4:08 PM

    Jewels,

    I have to admit that your story is a real tough one. It is hard to imagine any man to be so insensitive as to bail on his wife during pregnancy. I am not trying to single anyone out, there are obviously some circumstances where, yes, the men were unkind. But let’s also be real, not all women here were let down by their husbands in their darkest hour. I would bet it was often times when the relationship and the sex had gone stale, years of boredom, the forced I love yous, etc.

    My point was that our current view on marriage is not working. I think we all agree that being honest about it is important. I think that we all need to be careful about having too much of our self esteem wrapped up in our marrige. It is possible that at anytime a partner might bail. Is that a reflection on you? Maybe, but it is more of a reflection of them, what they want and what they don’t want. I think it is best to remind ourselves that because someone else changes in their feeling towards us, it doesn’t neccessarily mean we have changed at all. But we shouldn’t be surprised that if we grow cold and distant towards our partners that they will also grow cold and distant towards us.

    I am not an advocate of divorce or marriage breakup. I am advocating a better understanding of the needs of each other, more honesty and a belief that because someone has sex with someone else does not mean they can’t love their partner.

    If the person is being mean, insensitve, abusive, etc., that has nothing to do with cheating. It has to do with character flaws that existed already. The lying and deceit comes from knowing that an honest conversation can never happen. It comes from knowing there will be no compromise. The deceit often comes because the deceiver knows that honesty will not take them to a place they want to be.

    • Jewels March 19, 2012, 12:04 AM

      Anormalman – I am 100% on board with what you are saying. You are right. Better understanding of needs is a big cause of the breakdown, and just a willingness to understand a viewpoint that is different than yours, without judgement. I personally had no idea sex was this important to men, really – no idea. But when my soon to be ex would have conversations, he would not want to project that he was as sexual as he is. I would ask him about open marriage just to see what he would say, and he was just not into talking about it.

      And I know I do paint my husband to be unkind, and that is just my hurt projecting out. My soon to be ex-husband did what he did because he felt rejected, and he needed to feel validated. Rejection can cause some pretty powerful actions in humans in general. Anyways, he is still the person I call when I am stuck in the middle of nowhere and my car won’t start. We talk and are civil with each other when it comes to our kids. He knows about the site and is not bitter about it, and did not hold it against me in the divorce, so I am grateful, but still hurt :). And with all that said, I still cannot have the type of conversation that you refer to that is needed in order for marriages to survive. For some reason, he is not open to it. I cannot talk to him about pornography, he feels that is not for a women to discuss, and feels uncomfortable with it. But for me, I would rather talk and discuss it openly, for him to do it in private. At this point, I have accepted the relationship for what it is, and hope that we can continue to be civil.

      And yes, you are right, it is not always the case as in my ‘darkest hour’. Many men cheat during pregnancy because of the same reason, they are taking our hormonal changes as a personal rejection toward them, very common for men to cheat while a woman is pregnant. But I agree men cheat during all times of the marriage (women cheat as well). I think the need to be validated is strong, especially as men get older, living out a fantasy because of boredom, etc., and just to escape their own life, because of their own lack of happiness within themselves. And there are just people that cheat just because they can. So it is all across the board.

      I think many husbands and wives are uncomfortable having the conversation, why do you think there is such an uncomfortableness around sexual desires between husband and wife?

      Heather – This is just my personal opinion, but him searching for an ex is not a game changer to me. I am curious to see how my ex’s are doing, and I sometimes look them up. It doesn’t mean I want to cheat or have sex with them, it is just that I am curious, that’s it. Maybe your husband was just curious. But be careful in how you handle it, because if you make a big deal about it, if he ever does feel the need to really cheat, he is not going to tell you anything because he is going to think, man she reacted so sharply to this, I want to tell her about these desires I am having, but she is going to freak out, so I won’t say anything. That is what you don’t want to happen, so play it down, play it cool so that if someone does ever come up, he will open up to you. Just my 2 cents!

      Gimlet – The amazing power of touch!! I enjoyed reading your update. I will keep that in mind as close this chapter of my marriage. I have always struggled with affection and touch and I am excited to explore that part of my life journey in the future, I think it is powerful as you state. With me and soon to be ex- husband, there is just a wall that I cannot break with him and get him to open up. And I have had enough time to live on my own and realize that it is better that we are friends versus husband and wife. The wall has always been there, and I really hope for his sake he meets someone that can break that wall down. Everyone needs to experience having the kind of conversations that you and your husband have that is open and sincere. Take Care!

  • suzy March 26, 2012, 1:03 PM

    Here is another example of what seems to have become a common way for marriages to end. Married for 14 years, have grown apart because life gets in the way, constantly busy kids, jobs, etc. I think most women including myself realize that you are married committed, its a rough patch but you will get through it things will improve after all your married! There is just never enough time so somehow your marriage ends up with getting the least of your attention and your walking around with blinders on because you love this person completely and you believe that they have that same committment to you. Enter Facebook oh cool connect with people you havent seen in a while, family, freinds, everyone has a page and you and your spouse innocently begin checking out this new cool thing. The next thing you know your husband has more freinds than u, and there are a lot of woman that u r not familiar with. I really didn’t give it that much thought, old acquantices, again I trusted him. Then the freind request from some old flame that was one of those heartbreakers before he met u. Starts out innocent and then they reminisce, how r u now, r u happy now. Then theres the Oh I would never have done that to u, if we had married,were together u would be so happy. They begin to create a fantasy life. There are no bills, there are no responsibilties, there are no arguments, its all perfect in their little facebook fantasy relationship and life. Then once they establish that emotional connection naturally they start in with the physical, they use skype, they text, they talk for hours, mine was able to do all this under my nose because I work nights and days at the time because he had become unemployed at the time. The OW convinces him life would be so picture perfect. They arrange a real meeting, mine involved flying away to spend the weekend while I was working and my children and even the dog were taken to freinds houses. This further fuels the fantasy because again now they have actually been together, mine was so caught up in it he actually proposed to her when he got there with a ring and all, funny isnt it. They have not had contact for twenty years and in three months time he is going to betray his entire family and throw it all away for this facebook fantasy life. He told her he named our son after her, that she was the love of his life. Of course she is also married with children. So when all is said and done they have thrown away the marriage they had, which may have been in a bad place but someone who had loved and supported them through everything until this point, torn apart their families-their children for some made up world that is not even based in reality. I said fine see how much love their is when she has to support you when u r out of work, see how great it all is when u r responsible for supporting ur kids and hers. See how great it is once your out of your facebook fantasy and living in the real world together. It is so very sad and pathetic that now when I think about all that has happened to my life that started with an innocent facebook page all I can do is laugh because I am all out of tears.

  • Angel March 26, 2012, 1:13 PM

    Suzy – perfect example. Exactly what happens. But its not all facebook. its fantasy. Could start anywhere as long as your an idiot and blind to it all. Some dont see the thats its just fantasy. In the end they will. When its all said and done and they already started a new life they will see it was just fantasy and all that ends when u take it further

  • Tessa April 18, 2012, 9:31 PM

    Wow is all I can say after reading EVERY single one of these posts; and the fact that this thread began almost two years ago shows that this is a problem… still.

    But before I begin with my situation, I just want to say that the in-depth analysis and responses to this phenomenon (esp. between anormalman and Jewels) was worthy of a psychology magazine. But with that said, I have one thing to add and then a HELP message. I don’t really agree with anormalman either in regards to the advent of technology making more affairs, for really lights would negate that as when no lights are on, there is usually not much else to do but have sex! Yes, men who want to cheat will, but never before could they do with such ease and at home and with so many willing women. Yes it is a two-way street, but I blame the women as much as the men when they put up the provocative/pornographic pictures that they do (which is really against FB policy) for either validation or to promote their real sites and/or blatantly either accept a man’s advance or go after the men themselves. The word “decorum” seems to have left many people”s senses as the “rush” and a “cyber fantasy” that may or may not lead to a real-life meeting becomes addictive.

    But enough of that, for this isn’t the reason why I sought out some help as I too have a problem, but it is more like Heather’s. I think Heather was right when she wrote: “I feel like society tells us women that we just need to accept that our husbands will look at and desire other women…but isn’t that what leads to infidelity? ” as this is my problem but of my SO who lives in another country. Some background information first: He just became a FB member two years ago and is really naive when it comes to the net as he has had it only spottingly until he got his Iphone last year. We have known each other for almost 6 years and a couple for 3 years; we are both older and both sexually compatible in that we both enjoy porn and have an active sex life when we are together (I live in his country 6 months out of the year) and on our FB page it said/says we are in a relationship even though it didn’t for awhile as our/his problem began last June when he discovered that porn stars/models had FB pages. See, he loves big breasts and so began adding these professional porn stars as “friends”; but he told me about them and even told me to look them up, which I of course did. Yes it bothered me in a way, but I thought it was nothing since they were professional and it would lead to nothing. But then he discovered that BB did not mean big breasts when he began surfing the net, but BIG BEAUTIFUL and became addicted to BBW’s. He told me is was due to the fact they have big breasts and they like to show them on FB (plus, he is not use to women being this big for weight is an issue with women in his country, so I thought this may be a “curiosity” and let it go). Now as for me, I am 20 pounds overweight and have big breasts, but am in pretty good shape for my age due to working out to keep it that way as really big people are looked down upon in his county, and when I am there I want to fit i, but more importantly, I want to feel good about myself and be healthy. He no longer asked me to look at his new “friends” and began not only adding these women, but also commenting on their breasts or faces and giving tons of “likes”. I hadn’t noticed how many until I was home, and I lost it, for it was like he was “possessed.” He told me he would never meet them and when they send him a message, he deleted them as he just likes to LOOK and comment. I told him to me the women were disgusting not only for what they were doing, but also how they looked for how could he love/desire me and them at the same time! But besides this, I also didn’t understand why he would purposely seek out these women to ogle when he had had me there, plus hi/my friends all seeing what he is doing?? WTF?? It is like what Heather said….but more as I felt totally like he was disrespecting me and what we had and not necessarily he would have either an emotional/physical affair. So when I confronted him via a written chat as he can’t get any messenger on his phone, as I was hurt and angry and HE got offended, and we broke up on all levels.

    Well we got back together due to a twist of fate , but it is not like it was; plus, even though his status is back at ” being in a relationship” it doesn’t say whom as we are not FB friends. He has made his friend’s list private, but I can still see comments, even though they are not as prevalent as before. I am still having a hard time seeing these women as “beautiful” like he sees them, and when I look at them and then at me, I wonder how can he desire me AND them?? I don’t want to say anything about all of this yet as this talk needs to be face to face, for his understanding of English is better when we talk than in the written word, which I think added to our break-up.

    So, I guess what I would like here is some advice. Right now, I have separated myself from his list of friends and comments, but when I go there, I don’t think I can deal with it, for like I had said, I feel like he is making a sham of what we have, and I am going to have him either get rid of all these women and sites, or he will be getting rid of me. I know men hate ultimatums, but I can’t deal with this. I want him to want and desire ONLY ME and to pay me only compliments. I know that men look and and do offer compliments, and I would not be upset with this at all for the women in real life and the comments wouldn’t be sexual. And even if some men want to chime in, I would appreciate it. I know that FB to him is like a fantasy and in his country, employers aren’t using it as “character references” like they are here. SO am I right in asking for this even though he thinks of this as just harmless FUN and doesn’t see it through my eyes?? I was thinking of asking him how he would like it if the tables were turned, and I added all these men and made comments, but not sure how that would work. Serbs are jealous, but again, if he thinks sites like this are not real life, I am not sure what else to do!

    • Jewels April 21, 2012, 9:58 AM

      Tessa and Suzy

      Tessa,
      Thanks for sharing, I read your comment about the interactions, and I always say I welcome men’s perspectives it is how we learn and grow through this situation.

      As far as your particular situation, a couple of things. I do think that he is caught up in the fantasy of this, almost addiction. Men all over the world become addicted in this way so it’s very common. It’s interesting that he is using the medium of fb (had no idea porn stars are on there like that), because it is public and I totally understand how him liking Peaches23 pick of her boobs and that being posted for your friends to see can be a WTF moment.

      I sense you have a strong desire to talk to him and tell him to clean this up. You seem like you have an open sexual mindset liking porn and other things. And I know you mentioned you want to tell him, cut it out, or I am cutting out. And it is tough because you are not with him for 6 months of the year. So here is my opinion (just my opinion). I do not think you are going to be able to get him to stop. Unless he realizes that this is a problem. You do not live with him for 6 months out of the year, I know you have discussed how hurtful it would be to cheat while you are not together, but have you discussed how he is going to satisfy himself during the other 6 months. Maybe this BB stuff is what he is doing to satisfy, but unfortunately typically what happens is it starts out innocent and progresses.

      Suzy – Wow I just read your story, so well written and it is the story of how it starts! The scary part is that it starts off so innocent, which is where the trick it, it starts off so casual and it progresses so slowly that before you know it, there is a full fantasy affair going on. This is also sad because I know that as a husband, you can see a few messages here and there and think that you can handle it, that it’s just updates, but they do not know what they are getting into with those messages. It’s so easy, which is scary. I think he is mentally caught up in this, but I do not think he is at the point where he sees this himself, and if he does not see it within himself, you are not going to get him to stop. Or he will tell you he is stopping but will end up hiding it. I think there needs to be a conversation around what type of relationship you both really have and what the parameters are. At the end of the day, you are going to have to talk to each other and figure out what parameters are going to be acceptable. Some relationships are ok with the other person looking at porn, fantasy women, some are ok with having sex with other people, as long as the person is aware and accepting of the person. All different types, but you have to look within yourself and see what you are doing to accept and what is a deal breaker, once you establish that, present that to him and move on from there.

      Oh and him talking and viewing these women have nothing to do with you, it’s not personal, it is just that men get caught up with the images and typically can’t stop. It does not mean that you are not attractive to him, and once he sees something that stimulates him, he doesn’t want to let that go, the problem comes in when he takes that to the next level and meets them. But do not think that because he is looking at this that you are not attractive. Especially with the iphone (iphone porno is another toy men use all the time), men and looking at this stuff all the time.

      I think I told anormalman this before, I hope we get to the point where we engage in conversations about this to our partners without it being such a tense conversation. I hope we get to the point where we can determine what is going to work between just those individuals, without societies input.

      I think I am rambling on a bit here but I just want to say that he seems to be in over his head on this BB stuff, I want you to read another post I have (the link is below), when you click on the post, read the comments by Gilmet and Derrick Cheater, I think you might find some perspective in their story.

      http://www.acheatinghusband.com/old/sexting-texting-and-cheating/

  • Tessa April 23, 2012, 9:15 AM

    Jewels, thank your for your response, and I think many of us here value your opinion here as well as being able to just “vent”.

    Now as far as my situation, I agree that he is addicted to these women, but not too sure anything would come from it due to living where he is and the money situation. And I don’t think these women who are posing for these photos are there for any deep “emotional connections”, just reaffirmation that men desire them here as more than likely they do not get it in real life due to where they live (and what is funny is that there is a cartoon going around of a pic of a woman scantily clad and her menu bar has hundreds of messages, friend adds and comments, while the woman who is clothed just has one comment!). And today is his birthday, and thus far only two of these “women” wished him this, so to me that may be a good sign.

    And as far as us being apart, I really am not too worried there as he works a lot and where he lives is an hour bus/train ride home, so he really doesn’t have a lot of free time to cavort around. So, you may be right that he is using these women’s pics to satisfy himself. BUT what I want to add to this, is your thoughts that really him being attracted to them has nothing to do with him being attracted to me as I agree with you that at this point in time, he just cannot let go of it. BUT when we talk and when he hears what I have to say and how this makes me looks to his friends there as well as how it makes me feel, it will be an ultimatum. And if his love is as strong as he claims it is, then he will choose me; but if he doesn’t then, it really is his loss on so many levels.

    And finally, I looked at the link you gave me and will add some information of Derrek’s when he and I talk. So thank you…. I just hope that he can understand all that I mean, for if in truth, he just looks at FB as a joke like he told me last Sept, then he really will not understand at all what I mean, and that will be the deciding factor, I think!

    Regards

  • So Heartbroken April 27, 2012, 9:27 AM

    Just found out this past Monday my husband was secretly instant messaging a female on his FB. It was devastating. I never read such filth and I”m devastated, unstable, and unpredictable right now. He even spoke to her about my sex life which was what I thought incredible. Well all thats over now and I’m just trying to find a way to move out. I feel held hostage in my own life. This loser husband of mine who I’ve been with for over 17 years has betrayed me in such a way I am still in disbelief. I can go on and on but I feel so disgusted and even more so when he begs for forgiveness. He allowed a 15 day relationship ruin 17 years of pure loyalty and honor from me. I feel so trapped. I run his business, I run my business, I have a child a home and so much on my plate that this ordeal has crushed me and I have to figure out how to fulfill my obligations to our business while finding a way out at the same time. I don’t have the answer for me or for anyone on this page. I can only hope time goes by and I do move on because he’s never deserved me. Oh and I’ll never blame FB for someones actions and it takes two to tango so please respect yourselves as well as other married men and women!

    • Jewels April 28, 2012, 7:42 AM

      So Heartbroken,

      You are in the heartbroken stage, where your life is turned upside down and you cannot think straight. It is a very painful time, we all have been through it. You can not force the emotions out or make them go away, you just have to let it go through you. You are in the very early stages, so if I were you I would not worry about all the major decisions, you are putting to much pressure on yourself. It will take some time for the initial shock to calm down, but once it does, you can take some time to think about next steps. Take Care, thing will get better.

      Tessa,

      You’re welcome. It’s hard because he has not met up with these women, he is looking at them online, but is doing so on a regular basis. It does back to the old question what is cheating, emotional affairs, etc. I think the answer to that is each couple’s decision, depending on what they agree upon together. The hard part is to come together after something is causing one party pain and decide. That’s good that he is only a bus ride away and busy, no time for him to get in trouble lol!! Take Care!

  • Angel May 2, 2012, 11:54 AM

    I have posted on here before… New update. Found some messages to a girl saying he loves her and wants to move with her. After he has been beggin me to come back to him for a week and saying he loves me. I just dont understand. So when i confront him of corse he gets angry and defensive and breaks my phone. Im 25 weeks pregnant and this is beginning to be to much. He has now deleted his facebook, but it doesnt matter. He cannot stand the temptation. Yes we were on a “break” but thats only cuz i caught him with another girl. She got my phone number from facebook and told me everything. I just lost all faith in love. The only love that is real is the love I have for my kids

  • crushed english rose May 7, 2012, 1:26 PM

    The comments on this thread are heartwrenching. FB is ruining my life too. I never thought I’d find myself on one of these sites, heartbroken so much that I can’t cope with the pain.

    I’ll never see him in the same way again. My perception of him has changed forerver.

  • Kate May 7, 2012, 5:07 PM

    This was how I found out my husband was having an affair he never admitted to. I saved the conversation and he deleted the skank but he can still message her! Now I am 9 months pregnant, staying with my dad and he is up at our home alone. Luckily I have a friend who does “drive bys” and she is married to his cousin. I came across it by accident and he says he doesn’t talk to her anymore but I am just trying to carry the baby to term, so how do I know?

  • rosalind June 12, 2012, 8:25 AM

    I found out about all my husbands affairs through facebook.
    The first 2 i found about was when he left his facebook page logged on.i wasnt expecting to find anything i was just being nosy when i looked through his messages and found conversations with 2 women whom he had sex with.there was no doubt as they were very explicit and i printed them as evidence.as you can imagine i was devistated and he was sorry and said there was no one else and we would work on the marriage.
    the weekend went by and on monday when he was in work i worked out his password ane found 3 other women messages that he had sex with!!
    again i printed it out,confronted him,he admitted it said i knew everything now,he was sorry ect.
    a couple of months went by and i,m in a state,struggling to cope with the simplest things in life but hanging on in ther for our two kids.hes really trying,showering me with gifts and things and i start to get abit better.
    my husbands a soldier and so he then had to go to arizona for a dessert exersize for a couple of months so while he away i get to snooping again.i read all his message between him and his friends and find he,s been showing off too afew of his friends about shagging three other women while in belize and going to prostitutes in a brothal called raul,s rose garden.!!!
    i was compleatly floored,i stopped eating,was really late taking the kids to school,in tears in front of the teachers.i just couldnt cope with any more!!
    when he returned from arizona and i presented him with the latest evidance he admitted to it.(and said now i knew everything!!!)
    were still hanging on in there and trying.i have nowhere else to go and no savings so i have to stay.but its very hard.
    i went through the embarresment the other day of getting tested for all the STD’s and HIV, thank god it all came back negative.
    I just want to say thank you Jewels for this site, it has helped me get through alot of dark days knowing somebody out there understands.

  • Been There August 6, 2012, 7:45 AM

    I discovered my now ex husband had been on fb since the very beginning and had been with many Women this man would literally reinvent himself for Women it was totally sadistic if they wanted a toned Man with money in his mind at 280 pounds with breast as big as mine that is who he became there were no limits to his lies he would say and do anything I mean ANYTHING.

    Once I even found a status message on his fb page about a 26 year old Woman saying to the one Woman that has always been there for me I just want to say I Love you I was shocked but not surprised I just laughed at him and said so for a few Months thats how you felt wow I said so shes always been there huh funny when the Military wanted to boot you because you were over weight and out of standards I dont remember her being there and when your ex called the redcross that then called your command and told them you weren’t taking care of your kids which was untrue because I transferred Child Support directly to her account for the kids and kept perfect records to watch your ass when you couldn’t.Your LPO was calling you all kinds of sorry fat sob’s and so on and so forth and told you that he finally got you and your career was over and you were talking about jumping off of your ship who had your back and watched your ass who talked you out of jumping off the ship told you to calm down and asked for a fax Number so that I could fax you the proof that you have been taking care of your Children faithfully yet you claim the 26 year old Tranny has been there for you I told him he was a joke and so was the Tranny and that I regretted giving him a second chance.

    We lived as roomates for over 2yrs because I had no resources and he knew it which is why he walked all over me after the Women didn’t want him any longer after he was thrown out of the Military and lost everything including his vehicle all of a sudden he needed me those calls fell on deaf ears and I moved on I realized after I moved on I had been deprived way to long this man did nothing for me spiritually nor physically nor mentally I don’t hate him but I just feel very badly for any Woman that finds him and thinks she has a prize for if she knows like I know she would RUN and FAST I mean sprint. Sorry for venting…

    • Jewels August 6, 2012, 10:30 PM

      Been There,

      It’s certainly ok to vent, we have all had these moments where we are like ‘Really, after all that I have done, you whisper sweet nothings in her ear?’ But you are so right, it is typically just a game, a fantasy on both ends, and unfortunately, we are impacted by all of it. But it seems like you are at a point where you are done, and you are moving on to a more meaningful relationship than the one with are in now. Hugs to you, take care!!

  • JB August 6, 2012, 5:54 PM

    Been There- glad you found a safe place to vent. The women here all have open minds, hearts, and ears. That is what we are here for…. each other. We all thank Jewels everyday for giving us this safe haven–:) Peace and Blessings

  • Jen September 25, 2012, 9:55 PM

    Facebook is a marriage breaker.. for sure. Almost everyone I know on Facebook (I am not, for all the reasons mentioned above) has reconnected with someone from their past, or found someone new, and had an affair. And so my marriage is ending because of it. It’s a shame.

  • Ella September 26, 2012, 5:13 AM

    I normally post on another thread, but had to respond Jen — that is so true about Facebook. Linked in is another one — it’s a professional one and my husband’s flirtations involved that one — it’s another way to secretly connect via a website. They are all the same — they allow for the reconnection on a secret level. I have even been contacted by old boyfriends and people from high school I don’t even know. And several of them married — asking to catch up over coffee. Seriously? It’s ridiculous. I think people are bored with the day-to-day and men in particular have such fragile egos that this is a way to get a “high” — kind of like gambling, drinking or any other behavior that gives that change in adrenalin. Someone always gets hurt. I have a friend who has had an email relationship with a guy out of town for the last four years. She kissed him once but nothing else. But it’s basically sexting. If her husband knew, he would die. I asked her why (since I was on the receiving end of my husband having secret relationships) – and she said she has no intention of leaving her husband, but is just so bored. And he offers things that her husband doesn’t — the excitement, the sexual spark that has gone from their marriage, and that she feels alive/sexy when she hears from him. She has since lost 20 pounds and looks great — she attributes it to this outside attention and makes her marriage more tolerable. And that’s from a woman’s perspective. The guy is married as well and doesn’t want to leave either. So to them they aren’t doing anything “really wrong” — but if their spouses found out, it would be bad……. But I think my friend is getting in too deep — she gets mad when she doesn’t hear from him. She’s attached — and this is how it starts. So I feel your pain. My H used his work email….. all of his were at work. I’m sorry all of this has happened to everyone here.

  • Gimlet September 26, 2012, 9:23 AM

    Married couples should not be on facebook unless it is a family one where all the family is on the same page. Nothing but trouble otherwise.

  • devastated September 26, 2012, 9:35 AM

    Just wondering how Rosalind is doing, sometimes although I took my husband back I get into a despairing bitter state (two yrs down the track) and feel like I should leave him. I feel like a fool and want him to hurt so bad and feel real pain like some of the souses on here have felt, like I have felt. But love is a bastard and you have no control over it. I also get tempted to tell the older kids, especially when Im perceived as bad mum and hes awesome dad. (theyre 17 and 18 and a 12 yr old) I just lost my mum to cancer very recently and I must say he was my rock, I couldnt have got through it without him but then as soon as he does something that pisses me off I feel like I hate him. Time is a great healer but how much time :(

  • Daphne September 27, 2012, 1:56 AM

    Hi everyone, I’m sorry to see so many people affected by awful Facebook, I found my husband had a phase with it but soon got bored but there was a time when he kept looking at it and posting when we were out, or worse still on holiday. My concern also was the advertisement that we were away and the house left empty! My problem with Facebook is family, I have close friends and family on it which is a huge mistake as certain family members seem to have a problem with me changing my car or managing to save money, I had questions from my cousin like; how can you afford that etc and when I said I had saved up over a decade that was it, she earns over double what I earn by the way. She just goes out all the time and goes on holiday a lot, we can’t afford to so that. So I now set my posts to allow friends except whoever I put in, so it causes a multitude of problems and the only reason I stay registered is so I can play the sims social lol. Hope it works out ok for all of you and things improve xxxx

  • lina November 6, 2012, 5:48 AM

    hi,,i believe my husband loves me but in facebook i often find pictures with his friends(women) which i dont like,,,there is a girl with whom he gets captured and often posts cropped pics,,but somehow i managed to get the originals and when asked about this he only says we r very good firnds,,bt some without knowing their relation comment ‘nice couple’,looking good etc…which i dont like and since last two years this is going on,,we were very happy untill facebook wasnt a part of our life.i used to check his inbox,,that used to be so unpleasant that i have stopped doing that too.when i as him why do u do this,,he only says ..to have fun.recently i accepted my ex-boyfriend just to make himjealous bt is of no use…i can see how situation getting worse.the spark our relation has gone,,,he no more gives me that much attention,,i wish facebook were not created.may be the day is not far we will be apart.i cry,,i try to tell him why this is wrong what he is doing,,bt is of no use.

    • Jewels November 7, 2012, 1:33 AM

      Hi Lina,

      It seems like your husband is in the mindset that he is going to do what he wants to do on facebook. You mentioned that you use to look at his email, and that wasn’t any better. There are some men with the mindset that all the flirtatious actions on the internet is not big deal, but if it is hurting you in this way, it is a big deal. The only problem is that you can’t make him change. You can bring it up, and you can make sure he understands how this might impact the marriage in a negative way with certain actions, but in the end, you can not make him do that which he does not want to do. So what do you do? You have to do what is best for you in your particular situation, and only you know the answer to that. At the same time, if you continue to focus soley on his actions, it will not be healthy for you. Continue to observe him and think about if you are willing to do anything different based off of his actions. If you are not willing to do anything different, then Lina you have to make sure at the very least that you take care of Lina, and make sure you are not focused on his actions so much that you lose yourself. Take care of yourself.

  • Lonor December 2, 2012, 9:34 PM

    I am not much into Facebook so I don’t get it why my husband added his friend as his spouse instead of me. =(

  • integrity99 December 16, 2012, 9:53 PM

    I recently got a Facebook request from the wife of an ex. He was my high school sweetheart. I had never met his wife, honestly didn’t even know the woman’s first name but recognized her last name and thought it was strange that she requested to be friends on Facebook. I looked to see if he had his own Facebook account and he did not. I accepted the friend request and a day later I had a message in my Facebook inbox. The message wasn’t from his wife, it was from him. He was letting me know he would be in town and wanted to meet for “coffee”. At the end of his message he told me to contact him through a email address and not his wife’s Facebook page. I messaged him back through his wife’s Facebook account and asked if she knew he wanted to meet up with me. I got a message back saying “yes, I know that my husband wants to meet with you, he says you two were wonderful friends and grew up together”. I didn’t believe that it was his wife messaging me back. I knew better. I simply told him that I didn’t think it was a good idea to meet up and that some things and some people are better left in the past. It’s that simple ladies, don’t meet up with married men. I trusted my instincts and didn’t entertain the thought. Even though I am single, I am compassionate enough to look at the face of his wife and kids and know that they are REAL people with REAL lives. What a creep though.

    • Jewels December 17, 2012, 11:39 PM

      Integrity99,

      Good for you, we need more women like you! That is kinda weird he is emailing you from his wife fb page. They might have a set up as a join account, which is not a bad idea when married. So many women say yes. They tell themselves, it is just an innocent lunch, catching up with someone from my past. They think they can control themselves, and they sad truth is most can’t. But we all think we can, thanks for sharing.

  • Gimlet December 18, 2012, 7:30 AM

    Itegrity99, Like Jewejs said we need more like you and your advice to other women is awesome. Thank you and your tag name really suits you too.

  • Trying_to_move_pass_it December 20, 2012, 4:18 PM

    If they are going to do, they will do it without FB. For real!

  • Kentucky December 28, 2012, 3:19 PM

    Facebook was the main medium for my fiance’s affairs. His cell phone and night classes at the community college were also to blame, so it probably would have happened anyway; however, I still feel they were all greatly facilitated by Facebook. We are trying to fix the relationship, but I’m still not sure it is possible for me to move on. I feel like I’m mostly doing it for our 3 children rather than for myself, and I’m not sure that is the healthiest decision. He has encouraged me to install monitoring software, and has given me access to (supposedly) all of his accounts. He is more computer savvy than I am, and I worry that there are alternative email accounts, dating site accounts, etc, that I don’t know about. Alos, it would be all too easy for him to delete browsing history. I have access to his phone records, but feel like I will always suspect something, even with these precautions.

  • candae December 28, 2012, 4:21 PM

    Been there done that. I know exactly how everyone feels b/c I think my husband uses FB to look at porn pics, sex chat, etc. I recently got him a new phone for his birthday and he put a security code on it. I made him give me the code and it’s gone now. But you know, men will cheat, Facebook or no Facebook. I’ve caught him calling sex chat lines, doesn’t matter for what gender type…..of course I find out he was calling those the day before our wedding. But I don’t see calls until after the wedding. We’ve been to counseling twice now and he’s not fixed. He was abused as a child and now he’s just screwed up and not trying to control his issues. I am so ready to walk but my daughter is four, I do feel like a failure and oh my god it’s such a cliche and I’m disgusted that he can’t control himself. He’s willing to lose his wife and child b/c he can’t keep temptation at bay. How many times do I let it go?? Myspace accounts were cancelled after I woke up in the middle of the night one morning to find him on the phone with an ex from high school.
    He’s never had an actual physical encounter but what am I going to do?? Wait until his actually does???

    • Jewels December 29, 2012, 1:47 AM

      Trying_to_move_pass_it, Kentucky, Candae,

      Trying_to_move_pass_it,

      You are correct, where there is a will there is a way. I read your story from another post, and I know you are struggling with moving on. Most men do not like counseling, but in the case of recovery, if they can humble themselves just a little, it will make a difference. Why does he not want to go, is it the particular counselor? If he still refuses to go, does he have any suggestions on how to heal? It seems like he is going through something as well. It takes hard work and commitment on both ends for the recovery of the marriage to work. Good for you that you are continuing to go to counseling, take care.

      Kentucky,

      It is hard trying to move on after an affair. It’s a good sign that he is willing to be open, but like you said, there is always a chance that he is still playing games. I know this might be hard to do, but you have to know that if he is still playing games, it will come to the surface without much effort on your part, you have three kids and I do not want your life consumed with checking in on him. Your senses are on alert so if he is doing something, you will find out exactly when you need to. As far as recovering from the marriage, I would say if you want to stay married, you have to live you life in such a way that if you find out again, you will take action accordingly. When I took my husband back, I put total faith that it was over and trusted that he ended it. Looking back, I would given him another chance, but at the same time, I would of made sure I lived my life in such a way that if he cheated again, I would be better prepared to handle it. Hopefully this makes sense, hugs to you!

      Candae,

      It seems like your husband is a repeat offender of sexual temptation outside the marriage. I understand that he has not had any physical encounters, but if you both decided as a couple that sex chat rooms and talking to ex’s are unacceptable and a form of cheating in your marriage, then it is a problem. That is good he went to counseling, but it did not seem to stop him. At this point I think you have to decide what you are going to accept or not accept in the marriage. And if he doesn’t change, and you plan to leave, know that you do not have to leave right away, you can do so at your own pace. Take Care!

  • lil me January 3, 2013, 10:02 PM

    well after reading many of the posts and i am so sorry that this happened to all these women including myself. FB played a huge factor in the demise of our marriage. My husband was involved in a roleplay site based on a series of books written by JR Ward. In the site, they re-created very steamy senarios taken from these books. The books are based vampires (yes, I said vampires) very absurd and are pornographic literature. At any rate my marriage is over. He didnt want to work on it any longer. He preferred to pretend to be married on the role play site. Way To Go FB! FB policy states they dont allow fake names but all these people use character names from these books as FB names. Countless marriages have been destroyed because of this group. Further more I would like to know why when men leave they stop being involved in their children’s lives. I didnt recieve alimony or child support. I didnt ask for anything. Christmas has come and gone and he didnt even send our son a card or a call nothing. Our son has his on cell phone my ex would not have had to talk to me. I hope this post wasnt too confusing. This post represents just a tip of the iceberg. God bless all

    • Jewels January 3, 2013, 11:46 PM

      Lil me,

      Wow, I have never heard of this vampire book and fictional characters on facebook porn group, but I can totally see how someone can get totally wrapped up in a fantasy group like this and how it can end a marriage. Porn is very addicting, and it seems like this is a form of it. I am very sorry to hear that the father is not in the son’s life anymore, that is all too common, and it is not fair to the child. I wish the best for you, and hope next time around you find a man that will love and respect you. Take care….

  • Deb February 14, 2013, 2:22 PM

    WOW-Reading this is like looking into a mirror!..Heres my story-I was mildly happy in a 10 yr marriage in Toronto (2 kids)..I was told by family members my grandmother had stomach cancer and so I planned a trip home- In the interim I received a “friend” from a childhood sweetheart (from out her met at 14 by my grandmothers lake). Anyhow-We ONLY chatted about life and his girlfriend etc (NO sex chats or inappropriate convo WHATSOEVER)..Long story short -I ended up going up to this province to se emy sick grandmother (even bribging along my best female friend so that theres no misunderstandings from me coming up here-as well as moral support for my gram)..I even asked this guy (we will call him “G”)..in any case..I came to see my grandmother and on the way up to this province (an 18 hr ride from Toronto) my freidns son had a stroke and she had to fly back..leaving me solo en route to this province. As that happened I received a call my parapalegic Aunt had passed away (and so ended up in a hotel in his small town -close to cousins and funeral going son)…the 1st night was a night to see my female cousin (who bailed on me) ..and he said his gf “wasnt interested in going out for drinks”..so we ended up just me his nephew -and BINGO BONGO..affair..I never intended to harm anyone-And Ive paid the price a MILLION times (or-so I thought:(…flash forward..5 yrs later (marrie Aug 20th 2011) ..he was with this ex (we will call her “s” who lives in Weymouth , N.S)..for 7 yrs..anyhow-G was off on some good U.I all summer (and my other 2 children from my hometown were with me(i ge them summers) along with my (then ) 3yr old (G is the father)…I continued to work each day while he sat home wiht kids (drinking/smoking/) and I started to notice his cell going off ALOT (like ALL through night/also noted when i walked into room he was always playing “games” on FB-and if i was on his FB he would sit on bed and watch (which i thought weird-but never questioned it at the time) his excuse was “its FB notifications”…At the time we also received alot of “wrong numbers”..when I answered -I was simply HUNG UP ON (1ST CLUE)..I also noted when any of the boys wanted to play “Angry bird” or games on his phone-he would “go off” and freak out that they were goingt o “wreck” his phone-and snatch it off of them (even our 3 yr old)…I used to give him wierd “calm down” looks for that. Two weeks b4 his Birthday (and one week b4 my one year anniversay)..he came outside to me and said (in front of all the kids” “Hey, you dont mind if I “add” “S” to my FB do you?”..I said (and I quote “as long as she doesnt pull any “crap” then its fine..(aww wasnt he being sweet:)(sarcasm there)..anyhow—-I was luckily going into his FB at work (kept it up as a tab) as on lunch I myslef played a solitaire game on his (to keep our scores up on both FB accounts-and good thing I did)..the day of his birthday I went on and left him a comment “happy birthday to my husband”..which I then noticed THIS comment “(From (u guessed it) (“S)..”Happy Birthday old man””what r you 64 and 5? (hmm mystery what THAT meant)..I then got busy at work-and when I went back this comment was deleted (at 1st I thought I imagined it)…due to THIS I began to have a “Sinking” “horrible-stomach quesy” “clammy” feeling…due to FB being tied to email (including your chats you think you DELETE BTW (for all you cheaters)…these convos (except apaprently the ones you delete off your actuall phone if ur accessing FB that way)…are still stored in your deleted files in your EMAIL. I opened the email..typed her name “S’ into his hotmail acccount attahced to his FB account..and bingo bongo. I (who gave up everything -including a promising acting career) was treated to the following type of comments..HIM “No we dont have pets but theres some “pussy” in the house:)”..and HER “you got a PLAN yet”..and “we’ll be friends..with benefits (keep in mind she lived 40 minutes away (where his brother conveniently still loves (and went back to school (in the town we were in)..so this was all VERY plausable to hook up..other comments like “I hear that THING chattering in the backround”…”Lets meet for a coffee and tea and a shag”…This all happend August 14th, 2012…I am still stunned, digusted, heartbroken and feel somedays like theres not much point in being around (to b honest)… I tried the old trick her into telling me everything by sending her texts (she claimed days after I caught them she had “moved on”) then still had him as a “friend” on her FB..other comments right around this time (when I could still access her FB (she blocked me and removed herself from there)-Probably just under an alias now Im sure. On her timeline up to this poibt where things like “WHen someone CLAIMS they love you-but keep you under their thumb-you arnt free to be yourself” (you guys tell ME what that means??…She apologized to my sister in law and told her to tell him “shes was sorry-she was just “curious” how his life was”…when she wrote her final blurb back to him ”her comment was “your wife sounds controlling”..as well I sent her BIG letter (which she recieved) and tried to respond to (I could see she was typing-but for some reason it didn tcoem thoruhg (much to his relief)…I went back to my hometown this past December and returned to see that the Saturday after I was back he wrote an outgoing mess to a MALE in that town (who has 2 old daughters saying “LOVE you” at 815 in the a.m (im never up b4 noon if it can b helped on a non work day)…he flew off handle -said “I dont know who wrote that-it wasnt me”..when I showed it to him and went and deleted his FB (suspicious you say?-I agree)..as well his explanation (hold onto your chair)..was (get ready)…”It was just talk” “I was never gona meet her”…”It was all about my ego”..after I discovered BTX this messed up crap with his ex..I placed a recorder in my bedroom by my computer..plays one hour-the SECOND i left fo rwork he was on porn sites..therefore I think this is all tied in!!!..All the abover stuff is freking me out..I dont wear my wedding rinsg (which infuriates him)..he now no longer wears his…he claims he still loves me (which I think-he simply got caught b4 he got his rocks off-she shied off cause she got caught..and now..what doe sthis mean for me..Im in perpetual limbo. Living somewhere I hate, being around someone I disrespect, and making some current choices myself that arnt on the up and up lately…He suggested counseling at first(now has no interest)..he fells as long as I open my legs..the relationship is fine..Ive come to the end of my rope and feel thatbeing anyones 2nd best (and thats what you are if you accept this drivle) isnt for me..IM better than this-I deserve to be someone absolute (no competition) #1…sigh..just now..how to walk away??..I was never out of love…(NOTE: he was typing to her via FB with our WEDDING PICTURE up (wedding ring on), so its not like he FORGOT he was married!..lol..he actually seems more remorseful he was caught..and now hes backpeddling (as cheaters do when caught).. Im left feeling not good enough and depressed and not worthy…which isnt my nature always been a very confident person..I cannot cahnge his nature anymore than I can cahnge the wind…But I can change how I react and how I think of myself. Bottom line-He had options and they werent to pursue an ex (truth told a stranger would have been easier to accept)…his only option (if he truly loved me) was to come to me and tell me he wasnt happy-Now-hes ruined 3 kids lives. I vent often (which he avoids at all costs)…but to no avail..its a tuff path:(

  • Watsupdoc89 March 7, 2013, 11:01 AM

    Hello Jewels,

    I have read a few horror stories here and I for one am a little saddened by the actions of my fellow brothers known as some men.

    I am actually embarking on a transitional period of my 20 year marriage to my lovely wife. She is my world and I let her know every day. For a few years now (14) I have had a declining sex life with my wife. I have spoken with her about this and she has been very quiet on the issue until this morning when I asked the question: “Why are you so hesitant about having sex?”. Her response was: “Stressful and ongoing”. I asked for a clearer meaning and what I received was: “You stress me out by asking for it every night”. My reply is if I don’t ask you for it you will never offer it. Her idea times a month would be 2x’s. I have gone months with out being intimate with my wife. Her actions would never cause me to cheat but I can see how some men can give up.

    Ladies I am sharing this to say be careful how you turn your husbands down. Let them know what it is your are thinking. Men do not like to guess about your feelings and if things change with out a clear reason then they tend to make things up. Is it right know but it may offer some insight as to why one might stray.

    • Jewels March 8, 2013, 7:04 AM

      Deb/Whatsupdoc89,

      Whatsupdoc89 – Thanks for sharing some insight. Over the course of managing the site I have come to realize how important sex is for men. It is critical as I honestly can say I didn’t realize it was soooo important to men. I have had many men come to me and say ‘my wife won’t have sex enough, I feel the need to cheat to fulfill my sex drive.’ As a man, you always have a choice (like you appear to be thinking about transiting vs. cheating), but I totally understand what you are saying. There really needs to be more communication around this topic, I feel that if it was, it could help save some marriage. I remember in my marriage, when I was stressed, having sex was a little overwhelming, ironically. Working, cooking, taking care of the kids, money issues, and now you want to have sex?? Again, didn’t realize how critical it was. Thanks for sharing the male point of view, I enjoy hearing from the men, and I wish you well in your relationship journey!

      Deb – It seems like you have one of those husband’s who has ‘gone off the deep end’, meaning he is messing around with ex’s, porn, ect. and doesn’t really have plans to stop. It is sad, they do not see the impact. And I know you first mentioned your affair. Was it a one-time thing? I don’t want you to compare or beat yourself up over it, different time and situation. Do not think because of what you did, that is why he is cheating. It just doesn’t work that way.

      With 3 kids, you have alot to thing about as you manage what is next for you. Watch your husband, observe him, and make sure you take care of yourself as well, as mom’s that is hard for us to do. But in this case, you have to start looking into your options and decide what is best for you and the family. I know it is painful to go through, but you will get through it, hugs to you!!

  • Kentucky March 8, 2013, 12:06 PM

    Watsupdoc89,
    Thanks for the male perspective. I agree, there needs to be more communication in relationships about sex. We as women are taught from childhood that this is a taboo subject, so we treat it as such in our adult lives. I think it is great that you initiated the conversation with your wife, that speaks a lot for your charachter. A lot of women don’t even know their husbands are unsatisfied, because they don’t speak up.
    With me, it was more along the lines of I couldn’t have sex (Doctor’s orders), but that didn’t matter to him; he acted like I was just depriving him to be mean, not to save myself from possibly deadly infection (I had 3 miscarriages in a row). That’s what tears me up so badly, the fact that I genuinely wanted to keep him happy, but couldn’t (for a few months), so he cheated with every woman he could find that was willing.

  • Mickey April 5, 2013, 1:25 AM

    Thanks for this site. I’ve been searching for some kind of support. Venting is helpful. I’ve read some of the comments and it just breaks my heart. I appreciate Whatsupdoc89 giving male prospective. I can honestly say I never, never turned my husband down for sex for the first 12 years of our 15 1/2 year marriage plus 2 years dating. NEVER! I even had sex early after my first child because he said it was ok. He is not a doctor! When I stopped giving in to him was after many years of counseling and learning a little self worth. I even put up with cocaine/alcohol/porn addictions where he couldn’t get it up. It was hell! Pure hell! But I didn’t deny him sex. He said he felt as if I was a pin cushion and felt bad afterwards but he didn’t stop asking. We had no real relationship outside of the bed. Thank God He gave women intuition. I began to see the porn addiction growing and using facebook more and more. He got addicted to Mafia Wars. I was a MW widow we joked because he was on for hours upon end. After all, “I am the Godfather” he’d say. Whatever. Come to find out, when you do coke you can stay up all night. I was a little naive back then. My gut told me to check the computer and sure enough on history I found a girl he chatted with all the time. They were having an emotional affair which is an affair. Like oral sex is sex. You can’t split hairs people. Trying to speed this up here, I confronted him and he denied. Only friends. Just innocent flirting. I would never… but things kept sticking in my gut. The late night phone calls, working late, on FB for hours. Although he was drinking heavily and using drugs back then, he said he worked late. Then a whore sent him some pics. And I do mean whore. These were the most disgusting photos I have ever seen. That was it! I sent her a FB message and her husband. Then confronted my husband. Her husband took those pics of her and doesn’t care that she sent them. Apparently they have a sex site and sell videos and pics of themselves. Gross! So I went off on her and she said I was controlling and hitting him in the head with my Bible. Blah, blah, blah. It was his choice. He is a grown man. I made him take them off of facebook. Pretty soon I discovered another woman, an ex girlfriend from 30 years ago. What? She had the freaking nerve to send him pics to his phone and say she wants him to kiss her soft tan legs. First, I called her from his phone. She said oh we’re just friends. I said really? You send your friend a picture of your legs that you want him to kiss? Are you serious? He is a married man with 4 children and even a grandchild. Well, at some point she hung up on me. I sent my children to bed and woke his ass up at midnight. Buddy, we got problems. If you ain’t happy, then get out! He said he was happy and would take them off. Both of them, because the other bitch ended up on his friend list again. I swear! He wears me out! So some time in between all of this and maybe even after this, he left 2 times. Each time he would call and call me. My counselor suggested a 30 day no contact separation where we could get a feel for how a divorce would be. He couldn’t do it. And I have no idea how but he ended up back home after 3 weeks. He said he wanted our marriage to work but never put the work into it. Now it’s been a couple of years since then. His job has him on the road M-F. Huh? How can this be good? He has female friends all over the place. 6 months of unemployment. I was ready to kick him out. He went to rehab and found work. Traveling again. So I recently received a voicemail on his old phone from his ex girlfriend. The same one with the legs! This was the end of Jan. I’ve been holding it in because there’s never a good time to tell him I know. Also gives me time to pray and try to figure out what I am going to do. In the meantime, the gut kicks in again, and I find a pic he sent to the first woman from Mafia Wars, just last week. Will it never end? I think not. He was stupid enough to let me use his new work phone to look up recipes. Boy did I search that phone. Got some new leads. I considered contacting the husband of the 1st one in the beginning, as I did the porn pic lady but for some reason I chickened out. Wish I had of now. They are no longer together. She is in a new relationship. I’m thinking on what to do with all the new info towards her and her BF. As soon as humanly possibly, I am confronting my husband with my newly discovered information and tell him he can leave or I will pack up my kids and leave. The only thing I can control is myself. If I tell him to leave and he won’t, then I have to make my choice and leave. Because I can only control me. I feel pretty good about it. I’ve been down this road before. God will get me through it. The only hard part is that he travels, has a work phone and a work truck. Actually he lives in an RV in another state M-F so it’s impossible for me to check his phone or his computer like some of these women can. For now, I have to listen to my gut and my God. I’m also hoping by posting this, I can hold myself accountable by saying he has to be done with all of it or I am done with him. My deal breakers are written down. I know what I will and will not accept. No more drinking, drugs, porn, gambling (yes, that too) or women. NONE! I feel totally disrespected and violated. My spirit is crushed. My feelings are so hurt. My heart is crushed. I half expected it though. Don’t know why I’m still surprised. Just to backtrack a little, I cannot accept second best. I deserve better. He has to prove himself to me or we cannot go on with this marriage. I want him to stop all the nonsense or I want a divorce. If he says he wants to work on us, I have to see proof before I accept his word. I don’t know how I will ever trust him again. Look where it’s gotten me. That’s why I’m in the mindset that this won’t work out. It appears he doesn’t want it to. Of course, I could go on and on with how he turns things around on me and blames me for his lack of self esteem and how I don’t make him feel like a man. He needed an ego boost so he chats with them. When he knows he is wrong and feels guilty, he picks fights with me. Still making it out like it’s my fault. OK. Thank you for listening! Better stop now. Venting over!

    • Jewels April 6, 2013, 1:55 AM

      Mickey/Kentucky

      Hi Mickey, you are quite funny, I had a laugh with ‘them legs!!!’ and the ‘I got some new leads’ line. Anyways, I know it’s not a laughing matter. You are quite secure in your faith and I can tell you have reflected alot on the situation and in your story you write exactly what I would tell you. It’s almost as if you know where you are and what you need to do. You do not need anymore evidence or women to validate. You do not need to check his phone again. There seems to be an intense fear on your part. Maybe it’s a fear of actually leaving? Have you thought about what that would really look like? A decision can appear overwhelming until you break it up into actionable steps. Or maybe the effort and time it would take is too much for you right now, which is ok, everything happens in due time. But I think that it would serve you well to look within and ask yourself what you are really looking for and searching for with your husband. Why you are still on the prowl for info, knowing you have alot already. Anyways, no matter what decision you make you are supported here. Take care, hugs to you!

      Kentucky – just a quite note to you, my husband cheated while pregnant as well, and I often thought ‘why didn’t he wait for me?’, but years later, I realized it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with his lack of self-worth as a man. You see in order for a man to be faithful, he has to have a strong sense of self from within. He probably didn’t have that, he got a large portion from you, so the minute you were not in a position to feed his ego (or lack there of), he went searching to fill his self-worth – with other women who validated him. I do not know your husband so this is just my speculation off the data that was given, I just don’t want you to beat yourself up like I did over the thought of ‘why didn’t he wait for me’. Hugs to you!

  • LondonLady June 15, 2013, 8:05 PM

    Oh, my – I came online tonight as I can’t believe where my life is right now and find I’m not alone! My husband – 27 years together, this year would be our 25th wedding anniversary – well, he hit 50 … two days before his birthday he got a message from a younger woman he used to work with (he worked with both her and her husband). A month later she invites him to her husbands 40th birthday dinner. He talked me out of going (first red flag I should have seen). Couple of weeks later and he is just so “off” with me, I’m confused, upset, wondering what’s wrong. Christmas and he’s barely speaking to me. New Year we have 15 friends staying with us and he’s nowhere to be found. His phone is in his hand all the time. He sits at the computer every evening. We go out as a family and he’s checking his phone every three or four minutes. Red flags all over the place! I find he’s password protected his online login, but dumbarse that he is I figure it out – and at midnight find all these messages between the two of them on facebook, arranging to meet up, and all theses “oooh’s”, and “ahhh’s” and “mmmm’s” … I haul his arse out of bed and demand to know what’s going on. He says he wants to be single. The next 3 weeks are hell on earth – I suggest counselling – he spends the session saying how this other woman is so wonderful and how I’m such a miserable cow! I work a full time job, with an hour commute each way – I’ve put up with his nasty treatment of me for six months, trying to get to the bottom of what the problem is, and he compares me to a woman 19 years younger than me who is a sometimes supermarket shelf stacker with a bad boy biker husband and has two daughters under 10. In the first week we come to a decision – three options, we work at it / we separate, he moves into the spare room and we sell the house / he goes right now. I said, those first two options, he stops all contact with her, right now, no contact. So we carry on, discussing how we move forward, trying to plan with all this hurt and heartache. I go to my sisters for a weekend to get some sleep – I’m so, so unhappy – hear nothing from him all weekend. Come home, check his messages (he still didn’t know I’d worked out his password) – he’d contacted her all over those weeks, all over that weekend but cleared the history. But hey! I can access his telephone account that he hadn’t logged out of. And within an hour his stuff is being thrown out the door. Thousands of messages.

    It’s now 18 months on. He’s still sleeping on a camp bed in someones spare room. He won’t see a solicitor, every conversation we have he spills some new crap at how this is all my fault – lies, lies and more lies he tries to convince himself of to make out he’s not the bad guy in all this.

    Oh, and the shelf stacker? I gave her HELL! After all, I have her phone number, at home and her mobile. And she knows I know where her husband works. She wasn’t interested in him anyway (“He’s 50, why would I want to be with a 50 year old”). Attention seeking pr*ck tease! And yet I still want to hurt her the way I’ve been hurt.

    Facebook. Yeah, broke my marriage too. Showed my husband in his true colours. Cheating, lying, spineless, pathetic little man.

  • Cherease July 6, 2013, 4:11 PM

    That is how I caught my x-husband the OW was very bold I didnt have one but it didnt stop me from finding out. Every time they was together she posted it. Not so much as pics but she had code names and finally 1+1 =2.

    Same goes for if your dating/relationship and you are curious or let’s just called it what it is nosey or lack of trust. Facebook…who needs cheaters now.

  • Kate July 30, 2013, 10:23 AM

    I too have recently become a victim of my Husbands flirting on Facebook!
    Facebook itself is by & large a great way to keep in touch with people you don’t see often etc… However some people do abuse it & thereby abuse the trust shown by others. A couple of years ago I went to my school reunion where I was ‘chased’ for want of a better word by a couple of old male school friends! I politely explained that I was happily married & not interested in anyone other than my Husband. The first thing I did on returning home was to delete them from my friends list & block them so that they couldn’t add me again! My Husband however used his school reunion to track down old female friends, add them on FB & then spend his free time, not with me….but flirting with them on FB messenger, whilst I was sat alone in the next room. No physical contact was ever made but reading some of the suggestive remarks he wrote to these( 5!) women( not all ex school friends), was in some ways more hurtful than anything!! It’s true what they say The pen IS mightier than the sword! Struggling to rebuild trust in our relationship…Not sure if I should leave him. Very hurt & depressed. :(

  • Gimlet July 30, 2013, 1:02 PM

    Kate, I get it. My husband did actually cheat but the hardest part to get over are the words I read in some of their conversations. Hope you feel better soon.

  • Kate July 30, 2013, 1:37 PM

    Hello Gimlet,
    Thanks for your post. I am really struggling to forget what I read & sometimes when I close my eyes, it’s almost as if they are printed on the inside of my eyelids! I am more hurt by the words than I could ever believe possible! I just need him to know how much I am hurting & he says he does know, but how can he? He is no longer on FB or Twitter or any social network sites….that I know of anyway! But we all know how easy they are to hide!!
    Trying to move past it but with little success.
    Glad to hear we are not alone in this….well,not glad but you know what I mean! xxx

  • Samantha August 9, 2013, 8:11 PM

    Facebook was how my husbands mistress contacted me. Originally she sent him a friend request (which I saw and he dismissed and said “I don’t know her – just delete it”); which I did because I had no reason not to believe him – I had guys trying to “friend” me but my facebook rule was always: if I don’t know you I won’t accept it.

    Anyway – after a month or so of him declining her request she contacted me. And told me all the details – some of her story contradicts other parts of her story so some of it seems like she’s making parts up. Not that it matters – he still had sex with her. Anyway, after contacting me and looking me up on Linkedin (she didn’t realize that Linkedin has a nifty “People who have viewed your profile” feature) she got mad at me and didn’t understand why she was even conversing with me and why all this fb drama was being created. I said to her “YOU contacted me, YOU brought me in on all this drama” and she said she was tired of being thrown under the bus. And that I better get tested because if he was sleeping with both of us at the same time he probably had several other women and that she’s broken up about this, but then proceeds to tell me “she’s not sorry because she didn’t break up 13 years of marriage – he did”. Is she wrong? Not completely. He was supposed to be loyal but she said and did all the right things a man in rocky marriage needs to hear. A text (he later showed me) read: “I love my wife, she can’t be replaced” she replied, “I’m sure I can change that”.

    So I really don’t understand how she thinks she’s the victim. Did she think that I would throw him out and he would come running to her and since it didn’t work she wants to make my life with him miserable? Her contacting me, his parents and him became relentless – as I said in previous post (on another topic) – he and I cancelled our social media accounts and changed our numbers. Unfortunately, our marriage is pretty well over. He’s trying desperately to make it up, but, I can’t wrap my mind around him touching and being intimate with another woman. I don’t care if she was “convenient” and it was “just sex”. Regardless of what he says, he CHOSE to cheat. Were we having problems? Yes. But what long-term relationship is without problems? If we have problems again will he troll fb for a new fling until our problems are resolved? I can’t get over that he would bring this trash and drama in my life.

  • Gimlet August 9, 2013, 8:24 PM

    Samantha, Sadly this story sounds so familiar FB has really changed the game. In the past our husbands had to go out and we would notice signals that something was amiss, now they can begin a flirtation with you sitting next to them on the couch. I don’t know what your plans are or if you even have any but know that we are here listening and wishing you the best. Hug.

  • Dusty nickel August 19, 2013, 2:57 AM

    Ladies please be aware on Facebook if it has a page it has a link. My husband went on the Craigslist page on Facebook and found someone in casual encounters. No sign in email history because it goes through the apps web browser! Good luck and prayers for all of us.

  • LisaP August 22, 2013, 12:00 AM

    To LondonLady from London, UK, your story is my story as it is many women on this site. I still don’t know why so many men do not think this is cheating!!!! I didn’t call the OW husband because I didn’t think she had one. I was wrong guess who called me regarding their online affair the OW’s husband. I told him how sorry I was beause I thought I stopped it months earlier. My husband just used he work phone so I couldn’t look it up anymore. My husband and the OW were planning on having sex on our family vacation. The text that were sent between the two of them still burns in my brain everytime I think of it and it’s been 6yrs!!! Though my husband never touched another woman but almost did I stayed but wished I didn’t!!!!!! It was only two yrs ago that he had his last contact with the OW because he finally broke down and admitted he was and alcoholic and a sex addict. He went to AA for both and it helped him but not me!! He has behaved that last 2yrs but I am not in love anymore with him. He says he loves me and will take care of me for the rest of my life because he owes that to me since he got me fired from my last job. (stress and all). Oh and I had colon cancer last year from all the stress he cause over the last 6 years. Doctors said it was growing in me for 3-4 yrs. which was the time he was heavily cheatin on me. I am cancer free for now and I am coming up on my 1yr checkup. But the stress in our relationship will always be there. As a man he pretends it didn’t happen. But in the past it was all my fault I was over bearing. He wanted to be single again. He was 48yrs old when he started cheating. we were married 20yrs and he wanted to start over???? They want to leave us with all the headache of the after math while they go and have fun. It really isn’t fair when you think of it. We give them our life and childern so they could walk away when they want to I don’t think so!!!!

  • Gimlet August 24, 2013, 9:56 AM

    Just a comment I first became aware of the damage done by online contact more than 15 years ago when 2 married couples we knew got into affairs after “talking online”. For 7 years after I refused to even allow internet into our home but as the kids grew it just became a necessity for school. It didn’t take long for my husband to start watching porn then the phone and online sex chats with women all paid for with money we couldn’t afford to spend. Thousand of dollars. Then came the dating sites and online affair which led to a weekend of cheating with a miserable slut from across the country. My husband can’t deny the cheating because I the computer illiterate pushed buttons until I found proof. We have been working things out but still the damage runs deep and I am still unsure if things can ever be truly right between us. They don’t think online cheating is a big deal because they are not making physical contact 9unti they do) but you can bet if we had even one flirty message with another man that would be cheating. Argh so disgusting and pitiful!!

  • LondonLady August 24, 2013, 10:43 AM

    Thank you, LisaP, for your post. I’m in a place where I just wish the last 2 years hadn’t happened. If I’d know, would it have been different? The “if, if, if”‘s that’s the killer. He doesn’t want to come back – I think he truly can’t believe what he’s done, that he really is the bad guy in this, that he’s lost respect from family, from friends, and for nothing – she wasn’t interested in anything other than his attention.

    Could it work – even if he’d agree to trying? He says we can’t get back together because I would never let it go – he says I’d be chasing him to find out who hes on the phone to, where he’s going, who is he messaging. You know, if I have to be questioning him, DON’T BOTHER! He gets caught out but somehow it’s going to be my fault it’s not worth trying to save the marriage. My fault he contacted this other woman, my fault he went looking elsewhere, of course, it’s all me and none of this is down to him.

    In reality, I’m not what he wants – he wants some hot young thing who thinks he’s wonderful, not the person who has spent 28 years with him washing his skanky underwear, supporting him through job losses and has been there beside him through thick and thin. He wants someone who doesn’t know what a disappointment he is, as a husband, as a father, as a son. He said to me he wanted our split to be amicable – jeez, pal – I’m losing my home, I get to say I have a “failed marriage”, our son has nowhere to live, our dog will probably have to be rehomed, and it’s going to cost £$£$£$ and you think this can be amicable? Seriously?

    So, I guess I should be grateful that facebook showed my husbands true colours. But all I want is my life back, and the decent, funny, caring guy I married.

  • Noss September 24, 2013, 4:41 PM

    Three of my husband’s affairs have found me thorough Facebook so far, over the last 4 years. They think they are so clever to have tracked me down to revel in the intimate details of the affair … As if they were the first. I find replying with a picture of a rabbit in a saucepan stops them… Always do the unexpected and react in the least likely way, puts them on the back foot and buys you time to think!

    (I am living with a recovering sex addict. I’m still with him as he’s a friend as much as a husband, and I’d never abandon a friend addicted to drink or drugs who had asked for help. Whether the marriage will make it through all this I don’t know, but hopefully the friendship will)

    • Jewels September 25, 2013, 12:09 PM

      Noss,
      Interesting, that is how the OW contacted me as well. I wasn’t so strategic with my response, but I managed to get her on the phone so I could understand what is really going on.

  • lilme September 25, 2013, 8:30 PM

    Well, I thought I would follow up on my last post in January 2013. The post was written at that time but the unfortunate circumstances that I wrote about began almost 3 years earlier. During that time I prayed for intervention. I joined support groups on line and off. I finally came to the realization that things were not going to get better. I moved on. Mostly because I realized I deserved better than all that lying and cheating, not to mention the emotional trauma that really almost did me in. Moved on I did. I began to date and eventually I did meet a wonderful man. He is decent and kind and shares many of my core values. To make a long story short.. We fell in love and we are getting married next month. I never thought I would do that again but I am. I guess my message is pray, work on marriages if there is hope or if you’re not ready to move on. But remember you deserve better than this type of marriage. Free yourself of this burden and move on. Love God, love yourself and have faith that God will place you where you belong. Remember God loves you far too much to hurt you and He is far too wise to make a mistake. I love you and I pray for you. God bless

    • Jewels September 29, 2013, 9:51 PM

      Lilme,

      Wonderful, wonderful update. It makes me happy that you had the courage to love again, I wish you the best!!

  • Heidi November 14, 2013, 2:07 PM

    We just “celebrated” our 30th anniversary. It will probably be our last. 11/12 old girlfriend from 35 years ago(she was 13, he was 17) contacted him on Facebook, has fed him so much b.s. it’s sickening. She told him after they went their separate ways that she was pregnant with his child and miscarried. She has discredited me so much to him that he has started believing every word she says.
    I never found out about any of this until June ’13 when I was following up on some issues with our cell phone bill. He went from only using 50 minutes a month to a few hundred. From 5 texts a month to hundreds. I thought the company made an error, I called the number on the bill only to get her voice mail, I left a message.She promptly sent him a text letting him know, at this time I still didn’t know who she was or what was going on. First thing out of his mouth when I saw him is “What do you think you’re doing”? I was taken aback and the truth hit me like a ton of brick. He then asked for a divorce, I said yes, because I was to stunned for anything thing else, he then asks me to help him with the paperwork. He told all our children he wanted out to become his own man, to see if he could make it on his own. I got my sense’s back in place and told him no way in hell was I giving up on our marriage because of a Facebook romance.
    5 months into this insanity and he is still here with me but still communicating with her. Even to the extent of taking pictures of himself sitting on OUR bed and sending them to her. It makes me wonder what she thinks about seeing the bed the he and I share every night. She lives out of state so it has not come to anything physical ,yet, emotional affairs are just as hurtful, the only benefit to them is you’re safe from STD’s.
    There is so much more to this soap opera, but most probably better left unsaid in a public forum. Thanks for reading.

  • gimlet November 18, 2013, 10:51 AM

    Heidi, Your husband is living in his fantasy world to him it is real the fastest (but not best )way for him to wake up from the fantasy is to kick his sorry behind out. Unfortunately(for him) you are not likely to want him back once he crosses that line of fantasy romance to physical. I hope he wakes up before it is too late the pain he is causing you outrageous and very hard to recover from but you can, we are all doing this together here. Big hugs to you.

  • LISAP November 18, 2013, 11:09 AM

    TO: Heidi from Michigan, you are now living my horor story. I was almost married 20yrs now it’s almost 26 when I noticed my cell bill explode too. Did our husbands really think we wouldn’t notice! I too text the OW number and her response was I need to talk to my husband, like she had nothing to do with this affair. The OW also lives across the otherside of the US so I knew no contact would happen until we were going to go on vacation to DinseyWorld. Her family was going there too the same week we were. Their plan was to hook up there. Really!!! My husband also wanted a divorce because he was unhappy because he wasn’t getting enough sex and saw his younger co-workers get a different girl everyweekend. He was 47yrs old these guys were 25yrs! I too went along with the divorce until I said no this is not going to happen because you had an online affair! If he touched her then we definintely would have divorced! Long story short they never met up becasue he husband found out and canceled their vaction. We still went but was the worst vacation ever!!!! I thought that was the end of it but NO they continued to talk for 6years via computer cellphone regular phone sending naked pics back and forth. My husband for 6yrs had a separate cell number so I couldn’t see the his side of the bill anymore. My husband felt he missed out on the online dating since it all came out after he was married with kids and didn’t get the chance all men have today. He joined Craigs list, Ashley Madison and every adult sex site you can find. He became and alcoholic at this time too. I learned to ignore his actions the last 3yrs until I found a text that popped up on his cell phone front screen that was locked. He was getting sloppy and not turning it off when he went to bed he was always druck at night. After I saw her text I told him to move out and I will sell the house because that was the only thing holding us back was where would I live with our two adult autistic sons. He finally admitted he was addicted to alcohol, porn websites as well as all the attention we was getting on there. Well fast forward to now six years from beging to end and we are still married and I still get pissed about it all but not everyday just when I let it crawl under my skin. I won’t forgive him though I tried!!! He is alcohol free, cell phone is under my bill and he is trying to be a good husband. There are times that I think he wasted 6yrs of my life f*king around on computers and cell phones all for an ego rush! The man is now 54yrs old and thanks me once in a while that I didn’t throw our marriage away like he tried too. I guess what I am trying to say is, you can do what you want with your marriage but this will always be in the back of your mind and something someone will say or you will hear, that will bring it right back to that day you found out he was cheating on you and it hurts all over again. There is no right or wrong decision on staying or going just do what you feel is right for you.

  • Heidi November 22, 2013, 12:09 AM

    Gimlet and Lisa,,,,,,,,,,,,,Thank you!
    There are times when I think I am the crazy one in all this insanity. But I know this is his problem and there is not a lot I can do about it. This woman han created so many problems for me I am sickened by it.
    I have always been a rational person but this whole thing has thrown me for a loop. I have been hospitalized once for stress and have seriously considered suicide twice.
    2 months into this I was told by my doctor that she found a lump and the probability of cancer was strong. When I told him he basically rolled his eyes.
    He told the OW about it about it and she convinced him I was lying. Until he saw the lab results he didn’t believe me. Thankfully the cancer is at bay for now. But the long outlook is not good. Yes even after he saw the results he has continued to “chat” with her. She has done so many other things but he just doesn’t see her for what she really is.
    I know I should kick his ass out and let him go find himself but financially I would be destroyed. I have been laid off for nearly a year. At times I almost think living in a shelter would be better than this hell I am living in now.

  • LISAP November 22, 2013, 11:53 AM

    Heidi, I too felt like suicide was my only option but I remembered it’s not about me but my kids my parents my friends. I couldn’t be selfish like my husband was. I too had panic attacks and ended up in the hosptial. Your adreneline is making this happen to you. I would have panic attacks with muscle cramps while I was driving my car. I thought I was having a heart attack because it hurt so bad. Just like you I also came down with cancer but colon cancer! I had a tumor that was 6×5 inches in my colon that was growing for 3 to 4 years. Mainly caused buy stress. The doctor said I should have never gotten this kind of cancer because I was on 48yrs old and it’s and old persons cancer. I had to surgery to remove it and went through 6months of chemo. to make my story shorter I didn’t divorce my husband but wished I had. But it turned out I made the right decision beacuse I would have had no medical insurance because I had no job. Got fired during my husbands cheating and drinking days, I just couldnt focus on my job. But my husband was there during my surgery and chemo appts all of them. We are better now as a couple but not back to where we were before and never will be because that shadow will always be there. You might want to see a shrink for your stress and just someone to talk to or not. It really didn’t help me because she wanted me to forgive him but I couldn’t. Or just keep talking to us because we have all been through it.

  • Pheonix November 23, 2013, 1:22 AM

    I never once thought of harming myself because my life was over, yes my husband is the love of my life and my dearest friend OW often told me how much she loved me (before the affair) but my life is precious, My life is meaningful and a gift, theirs is horrible and meaningless. They did the wrong thing and have to suffer the guilt of the pain they have caused. Time is a great healer and four yeas ago if you told me that I would never have believed it. I see them both as horrid, disgusting, deceitful pieces of filth. I see them as sad pathetic losers who dont deserve me in their lives. . After many counselling sessions and support groups I see myself as a fine person who will rise up to be better than they ever can be. I too have a debilitating illness which will see me a virtual cripple in the next few years, however I have fought off my illness this last couple of years and wont lie down to it. Dont get me wrong there isnt a day goes by I dont wish for revenge and very un-christian thoughts roll round in my head. But thats about them not me. The fire of grief and anger burnt me to a crisp yet I have risen from the ashes, I am and always will be a beautiful soul,you have to start thinking of yourself being the better person. You can fight anything and nobody deserves your life more than you do. Dont ever give away your life or even think of it. Its a wonderful thing which you can make better every day. Blessings to all the broken hearts on here….. One day your sun will shine again but you have to want it too.

  • soni January 1, 2014, 10:11 AM

    My husb just recently added one of our common friends sister (whose hot and a sweet girl) after the night we partied at their place. On asking upon y he added her his reply was, she added me…no no may be i might have added her ages ago n now she accepted it n he hid it from timeline. I showed him the request he send her n the time Y he had to lie…i jus hate lairs…

  • Mary January 17, 2014, 11:37 AM

    My husband was never on facebook until this last year. He befriended some girl that he works with a few months ago. We ran into her at a concert, she had NO idea that he was married, so she said. Eventhough I have met plenty of people at his work who know he is married and has kids, he works for a grocery store and we shop their frequently as a family. I felt like this girl was being disrespectful to me, and trying to be “messy”. She is like 22 and we are both in our 30s. I knew girls like her in my life and she seems like one of those that like to flirt with married guys and make herself feel good by making me the wives feel bad. Eric said then that he barely knew her at all and didn’t remember her name. I was very suspicious. I told him that I didn’t like him being friends with her on facebook. He said I was being ridiculous and he wasn’t going to “unfriend” her because that was “childish”. I let it go for a while. I Do have his facebook password, and after I noticed that she was liking and commenting on some of his posts, I checked his facebook to see if they were privately messaging each other. There were no messages. I asked Eric about it and he said, they never talk on facebook. Recently I was going through the history because I am pregnant and I was feeling all suspicious and crazy. I found on the browsing history, that there were message alerts from this girl for facebook. Which means, he was deleting the messages because he knows I have his password. I was so upset. I asked him point blank, and he admitted that he did talk to her a few times and deleted it because he knew it would just be an argument between us. He swears he wasn’t flirting. He is very convincing but I am still feeling distrustful and upset about it. He blocked her on facebook so that they cannot communicate, but they work together, so it isn’t that much of a comfort to me. I know he hasn’t had the opportunity to spend time with her alone, because he comes straight home after work and he is always with me here on his days off. He has been a wonderful husband, he is a fabulous father, and until now he hasn’t given me a reason to be suspicious of anything like this. I feel like this girl is ruining my marriage and it infuriates me. I am not sure if I can believe him or not. I don’t know what to do.

    • Jewels January 24, 2014, 12:31 AM

      Hi Mary,

      I didn’t know about the message alert feature, good to know!

      You are onto your husband now, so I wouldn’t worry about if you can believe him or not, because 1 little mistake and he is caught, and no one is that perfect, not after you have suspicions. Life will tell you what you need to know, just watch and observe. I know this girl in stirring up things in your marriage but the reality is that those type of women will always be out there and available to married and single men. The only way you can really deal with it is communication with your husband to manage the encounters well. If he is open to it, one night maybe talk about how he handles advances from other women, because if he doesn’t handle it well, he will be caught up in drama quickly in this area. Take care!

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