I came across this article today which was interesting, it basically said that Facebook is to blame for a whopping 1 out of every 5 divorces – http://mygloss.com/geek/2009/12/31/1-in-5-divorces-blame-facebook/.
What the article doesn’t explain is why Facebook causes divorce. Here are the 5 top reasons that Facebook gets married couples in trouble.
1.) It is easy to get caught up in a photo with Facebook tagging. I look at all of my husbands pics, including the one where he was dancing with another girl at some party – Really?? If you are cheating, and someone tags you in a photo with another woman because they thought it was your wife, it’s over.
2.) Here is how it goes. You both join Facebook. People start ‘friending’ you. Your husband now has all these friends that are women, and you’re like, who the hell are all of these women….it’s like the energizer bunny, they keep coming and coming. This causes nothing but drama for married folks….
3.) Your ex’s always seek you out on Facebook and friend you. Facebook is like a candy jar for old flames to reach out to you. Again, this spells nothing but trouble.
4.) These women that are your husband’s friends don’t get the fact that he is married, and post comments on his wall that make you want to punch them in the face because they are literally flirting via words!
5.) Easy entry for the ‘other woman’ to contact you. With Facebook, you don’t have to be friends with someone to email them. My husband was smart enough to know not to friend the person he was sleeping with, but she was smart enough to email me via Facebook with all the details of the affair.
And the crazy thing is, these 5 reasons are all things that cause drama, without your wife even knowing your password!! I know one husband/wife couple that don’t even use Facebook because of the potential drama – pretty smart. I know another that won’t friend each other, because of the potential drama…ok.
All I know for sure is that the worst thing that you can do is friend ‘the other woman’ on Facebook – to me, that is outright dumb. Because the minute they get mad, they have the power to embarrass you, which I really don’t care about, but they have the potential to really embarrass your wife, which isn’t cool at all. Stay Strong Ladies, till next time……
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{ 109 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi, I hear ya sister, Face book is insane. Sorry about what happened to you.. Check out this. A retired English teacher in his 60′s creating a face book ( on marriage #2), ( wonder why).. lol and he is beyond flirting with his students from years ago but getting hot and heavy with sex talk on face book.. It’s hilarious and the even more sick part is he
on his wall), will quote the bible and do the whole :”I’m a good Catholic boy”.. IT’s such a disgrace like him.. And if it ya didn’t think it could get any slimier this pig is doing his sales pitch in between his sex talks.. He wants all these :”females
that he comes on to. buy his crappy photographs.. IT’s really messed up and he’s a pig. Yes , facebook is a very safe place for losers like this guy to seek women out, ( and this was a school teacher) and use his influence over them, lure them into buying his pfotos for money.. ON his wall, he’s some sort of earthly saint.. LMFAO@that joke. It’s out there and best thing is stay away from it. goodluck hon
People are really strange in that they put up these images of what they want to be and at the same time act totally different in other settings. Facebook causes TONS of drama, and I heard that people are using it for creepy things like you described above. I wonder what this school teacher is really trying to do on Facebook. Anyways, thanks for your support!!
as we speak its ruining my life
I completely agree. More drama was caused in my marriage by facebook, but my husband won’t delete his. It didn’t contribute to his affair, but some of his antics during the “will I stay with him” phase didn’t help. You want me to stay with you, don’t publicly hit on chicks for all our friends and family to see. He can keep his page as long as I have access to it.
Anony/Mary – facebook is suppose to be a place to connect with friends, but I tell ya, i hear more stories about husbands than friends. Mary it’s cool that you established something with your husband where you have access, especially if he has cheated. That is the only way in my opinion, or if your married, don’t even get an account.
I, too, had a terrible heart breaking experience with my husband cheating with FB. It started as a simple hi to an X girlfriend and before I knew it they were talking for hours on his cell phone from work. Hours and hours of our life, my life on the phone with the woman he used to be with 24 years ago. It felt so bad. We have decided to repair the marriage and there is no more contact with the other woman, but I just would like to get it out there that there is NO reason a husband needs to contact an X girlfriend/lover. Curiousity was the answer I got. Not good enough for me…………Stay away from OLD girlfriends!!! May the traditional marriage live on………….
Thanks Gail. It’s way too tempting and easy for X’s to contact you on facebook. And since it’s called ‘add a friend’, it seems so innocent. But your right, when you add an x as a friend, and your married, you start seeing their statuses, forcing you to think about them, then see pictures, and your mind wanders. Next thing you know your husband is in bed with their X. If your married, I wouldn’t even open the door to friend an X, it just causes trouble all the way around, nothing but drama can come from it.
Good luck Gail!! I hope you and your husband work things out, we need some success stories out of facebook drama!! Take Care!!
I hate facebook my fiance keeps adding these really young girls to his facebook..he say’s its because they have the same last name as he does and they maybe family but I’m weirded out by it he is 42 years old why have a girl who is 17 or 18 on your page even if you dont talk to them…creepy and I’m going to break up with him if he doesnt stop.
Hello Morgan,
That is a little strange, if they are family, I would think that you would know them as his fiance, right? I have cousin’s who are 17 and 18 (male and female) and I know they are on facebook, but I haven’t asked them to be my friends because I consider them kids. But that’s just me. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.
-Jewels
I was the other woman but he found me. Still going thru it. What a disaster.
Hello Cindy,
I know husbands sometimes lie about their marital status, especially initially. I hope that you, the husband and the wife are able to heal from the disaster you speak of. Towards the end, everyone gets hurt in the situation.
Hi, my hubby let me set up his account ages ago and at first he hardly touched it but with the influence of his work mates when working away he is now engrossed with it. What I hate about the antisocial site is when we go out, he sits with it on his iPhone ignoring everyone else. Also when you put an intelligent status on people just start trying to cause a fight, it’s abused too much. We are still married but his brother and me often take the piss out of facebook by saying, this it what happens: ‘sign up with facebook, meet new friends etc, get divorced’ I think that is not far from the truth eh lol xx
That is exactly how my husband was. I am so embarrassed that I even was helping him understand the internet. At first he never really got into it. I had access to his email ages ago, when I checked backed in literally over a year later – I was like, since when did you have a million girls as friends, and since when did you start using facebook so much?? LOL – sign up with facebook, meet new friends etc, get divorced! That is funny because it has so much truth to it, thanks for sharing!
I’m really sad to read these stories of bastard husbands – they give all of us men bad name. But I can assure you, for every wife who is on the receiving end of this sort of thing, there is a husband whose wife reciprocates in this sort of behaviour – it takes two to tango! My fiancee and I listed our engaged status after the proposal. In no time at all, her ex crawled out of the woodwork, determined to have one last go at getting her back before we got married. Sadly, she was naive enough to believe his line of just wanting to be friends. Despite my protests that I did not want her in contact with this guy, and that I thought it was inappropriate for a newly engaged woman, she refused to take him off as a friend. To cut a long story short, she ended up going out with him, and though I don’t know exactly what happened and how far it went, I DO know that there was cheating at SOME level. When i found proof of what happened, I told her to pack her bags and give me back the ring. In the end, we reconciled and I accepted that she made an out of character mistake. She was given one more chance on the condition she changed her phone number, email address, NEVER contacted him again in any way, and deleted the FB account. She did all these things which convinced me she was genuinely sorry.
Yes, ladies cheat too.
Hello PD771,
Thanks for sharing your story, I wish you and your wife many future years of success. Your right, women cheat as well. And I am sure if you are that faithful husband, you can relate to many of the emotions stated on this blog. I am glad she closed the facebook account, that’s really going to be an essential factor in healthy marriages going forward. Facebook breeds drama and past relationships, there is literally no way I could of got back in touch with old boyfriends, ect, BUT thanks to facebook, they can find me!! I understand ladies cheat, and for every man that does this, there is a ‘lady’ who knows (most of the time) knows they are married and still chooses to engage. Thanks for writing, you do give us ladies hope there are faithful men out there. Take Care!
As a single woman I am sick of men who create pages as “Single Men” then put seeking women as their status. We get sick of this and then when you figure out he is still married… he always comes back with some lame excuse! I am a young widow and do not need this crap! If they do not put single on their status then they are NOT!
Hello Edna,
Thanks for the note, your right, many married men go on dating sites and put their status as single. It’s a shame. It just goes to show this problem is so much deeper than just ‘cheating’.
I’m actually the other woman. I found a married man on FB I’d already had an affair with,and now we’re at it again. I tell myself I only want the sex, but we ladies lie to ourselves a lot. He’s following the rules perfectly- he’ll friend other girls my age (he’s older), but he refuses to friend me. Ex-military, very smart. He likes getting pictures of me, but I think it’d be smarter to just sleep with me already. That way, there’s not a paper trail.
Hello Libby,
Just out of curiosity, how does this happen? You said you found a married man on fb, did you know this man before facebook? How did the affair start? I am curious to get insight into how facebook is used and turns into all out affairs. Also, how do you feel about the whole situation, do you think ‘I shouldn’t do this’ or ‘this is ok’??
I too am recently a victim of facebook problems. After having my husbands password for a year and not ever looking i decided to look last night, on my birthday. something told me to. i saw that he had no other messages from me but at the very bottom of the page it said archived messages. i clicked on it and was shocked for over an hour as to see messages to other girls dating back as far as 3 months ago. i didnt mind the fact he was speaking to other women but when the conversation went past the “hey, how have you been?”…to “i always thought you were hot, would you strip for me privately if i paid you 2 grand?” and this was not to just one woman, i counted 10, im sure there was more, but after reading those i was done. its funny because these other women are shocked and ask him if hes married. he says yes but needs more attention. we will be seeking marriage counseling very soon as i will not deal with this, as i feel this is the gateway drug to an actual affair.
Hello Ashes,
Another facebook story. I still don’t understand this whole concept of men cheating because of attention. I hear that alot and deep down I am like, why are these 40 year old men acting like they are 5, wanting and starving for attention. We want attention as well, but we don’t go out asking hot guys for sex. My husband made it seem like I was rejecting him and he needed more attention. Well dang it I was stressed, had a small child and one on the way, had a full time job, cleaned, cooked – I want more attention as well!! Sorry, I am usually a little more positive
I am sorry that your going through this, I hope that the counseling gets him to realize that it can’t be all about him all the time, you don’t have the energy to make him feel special all the time. He has to get to the root of why he is yearning for so much attention from women, I think deep down it’s something where men are insecure and use other women to make them feel secure about whatever they are insecure about. If the counseling can determine that, then I think both of you would be off to a great start, best of luck, I know it’s a really tough time for you.
I never really worried about the women I didn’t know that he friended on Facebook since most were ‘work colleagues’. But when husband changed his relationship status from “married” to “in a relationship” — my FB comment was “Oh really?” Then he answered…”just checking to see if you’re paying attention to me”, and changed his status back to “married”.
It was 6 weeks later before I overheard his end of a phone conversation and confronted him outright. Looking back to his FB page — that relationship status change was right at the time he “friended” her. (He had told me her name, some details, etc. when I confronted him). And yes, although WE aren’t FB friends, she and I have FB-messaged each other (yes, she gave me absolute proof in black & white of the adultery….nice in case I need it for court, after 24 years of marriage).
It took about 3 months after discovery for him to delete her as a friend. Now more than 6 months after D-Day, I still obsess every now and then and go to her stupid FB page to see if she’s changed her skanky picture. I really NEED to stop!! It’s driving me mad!
Hello Sandy,
I would imagine him changing his marriage status on facebook was a huge flag for you. The OW contacted me via facebook as well (grrr). It seems like her fb page/picture is a trigger for you. That was very smart to capture her admitting the affair via facebook email for divorce purposes, like I stated before, it’s used in many divorces now. Just my opinion, but not cool that it took 3 months for him to delete her as a friend. Not sure what he was waiting for. Are you and your husband trying to work things out, or are you planning to get a divorce?
Hi Jewels,
Yes, it was a huge flag…but he has always been sort of a ‘jokester’ so I initially was not that alarmed. His actions over the next 6 weeks after that status change, until I overheard that phone call, were definitely sending up more red flags! Since it was during the holidays, I was quite busy preparing/shopping for that (we always host the family dinner), as well as working full-time — and seriously cannot believe it took until I overheard that phone conversation for me to realize what was truly going on.
No it was not cool it took him that long to delete her; first claiming he didn’t know how, then I sent him the instructions on 2 separate occasions.
And it was ME that messaged her first, when I found out he flew her to meet him on a business trip!…asking her “Did you enjoy _____, Whore?” Simply that…in the subject line. No text to it.
I nearly fell out of my chair when she actually answered, and confirmed she ‘had a good time and didn’t even know he was married til way later’! But I was glad, since it gave me that proof, if and when I need it.
We have been going to counseling 6 months now, and “working on” trying to repair this 24-year marriage — with ME doing most of the work, of course! Not a whole lot of remorse, or effort, on his part. At this moment, I don’t see us getting past it and divorce has been discussed several times….however, it is just sooooo hard to make that move. And I don’t even know for sure why, at this point!
Thanks for answering!! It really helps to feel like someone understands what I am going through.
This is happening to me as we speak. Facebook has given him the ability to connect with ppl in his past. My husband was put in a program that physically abused him..more to that story but ppl went into that group formed a ” private” group..a group that as his wife can’t join..only victims and brothers and sisters..since being part of this group and reconnecting with these ppl he has changed.. he never leaves his phone unattended..he is on Facebook almost every moment..even right now as we speak..I don’t believe his having a physical affair..its the emotional affair I’m having issues with..he talks to ppl I have no clue about..most being single women..granted most do not live by us..its the point of them being single..I’m going crazy at this point…we currently r in counseling…
Hello Sandy,
You made an interesting comment about working on the marriage for 6 months, knowing secretly that it is probably over, but having such a hard time taking that action.
That is such a good point, and even I had a difficult time, it took me a year to move out, and actually calling a renter and moving out was so hard, even though I knew for a fact it was over.
I think the marriage means more to use that our husband. It means status. It means achievement. It means togetherness. It means stability. It means love. It means support. It means success. Not saying that if you are single you can’t be those things, I just feel that many women associate marriage with those terms. So when choose to let all of that go and leave the marriage, it’s hard to do. My biggest think with telling people and moving out was I felt like a failure. I did. He cheated and I felt like a failure and I didn’t want anyone else to think I was a failure. And moving out, preparing the the divorce made me think of failure. I don’t think that way anymore, but I did have those thoughts for a while, so I can easily understand how you can feel that way.
I am glad you trained him on how to delete someone as a friend. Now all you have to do is send him instructions on how to delete his facebook account…….lol!
That ‘never leaving the phone unattended’ is a big trigger for me. My husband did that and I could not stand it, it is not good. Why do you have to keep your phone on your all the time, even to go to the toilet, really?? What are you hiding?
Anyways, good that you are in counseling. Did he admit to anything in counseling? Was the counselor able to address the phone issue or get him to be more transparent about the ‘group’. Seeing that this ‘group’ is causing so much tension in your marriage, he should be willing to show you this ‘private group’ to ease your mind of cheating. You might feel like your going crazy because it seems that he is still being secretive. And the term secretive and marriage don’t mix, at all. Take Care, I hope counseling works out for you.
Facebook has caused my marriage to fall apart. We are now getting a divorce. He kept friending his exes and other girls that were supposedly just friends. He made his profile private so I couldn’t read anything. One time he left his face book open n I got on it and all he did was make fun if me on it. Funny thing none of the girls he was making fun of me with are all that great looking and I’m actually a professional bikini model. Even his own divorce attorney said look at you buddy n look at your wife,your lucky she even wanted to marry you in the first place. So ladies no matter how sweet we are to our hubbys or how we look is gonna keep our men from friending these marriage wreckers. I deleted my facebook because of the drama. Even my husbands mother got caught by her husband looking up an ex from high school. Then tried to say she was looking him up because she’s friends with his wife. Bull ****! I’ve also caught my husband on a site called pornhub where you watch free porn and can friend people on there too. Internet is out of control!
Hello Leann,
Sorry to hear about your husband. I am actually glad you mentioned that you are a bikini model, many women think their husband cheated because their changing looks (I gained weight, ect.), and it doesn’t matter how you look, if a man decides to cheat, they decide to cheat. I do think facebook and the internet (yes internet is out of control) do give our husbands a easy way to rekindle the past. The couple’s that I know that are still married don’t have facebook, so that is a strong message right there. He messed up big time, I wish you the best with your divorce.
This an update since June 20. Although we have not seen a counselor yet, (we may not at all), things have gotten alot better. I think this is due to the fact he has deleted almost every girl on his stupid facebook page. And I only say stupid now because I used to enjoy facebook, being able to talk to my friends back home whenever I wanted but now he ruined that for me. Now I see facebook as just yet another way for a person to cheat. I also added him to my phone plan, he thinks it was because we could save $20 a month, I did it for other obvious reasons. I can keep track of his calls and texts. And ladies, there is something you can do if your husband is on facebook, and you know his password. I tried this the night after I found out. Simply log into his facebook while he is on and watch to see in live color what he is doing and who he is talking to. You will be able to see his live chats and all. I want to thank you again for being able to come here and voice my opinions and thoughts and see I am NOT the only one this is happening too. Especially at my age, 25. Now I know why my parents raised their eyebrows at me when I told them I was getting married. Thanks again, Ashes
Hello Ashes, thanks for the update, glad to hear things are better. I am not real sure if the access you have now (with facebook and the phone) was a mutual agreement, but I guess it doesn’t matter, because it works for you…lol!! I don’t look at facebook the same way as well. Lastly, you are not the only one this is happening to, that is why I created the site, thanks for your kind words, take care!!
WoW!!!Facebook is crazy!I joined facebook b/c I switched jobs and wanted a way to connect with my friends and still feel like I’m seeing them……..My hubby joined to see all of his old friends from school and family…since they live far away.Well at least that was my original impression…Now it has turned into Oh well shes my brothers ex’s cousin from 3rd grade kinda bull-ish.And im like oh great who the heck is this new 1?Then when I say well I dont like all these girls on ur page that ur friending it turns into i’m jelous or on my period…SMH>!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really I gave you 3 kids and my heart and now you belittle me over some girl.He’s become some kind of junkie for FB now 2.I work all day and come home…..barely any convo, no hug nothing….and he’s out the door…bye thanks.BUT when he’s gone and I look on his FB 4/5 new friends, he compliments other womens stats, messages left and right, left comments on his wall every couple hours.I wanted to buy a home and it seems all he wants 2 do is be friend of the year to everyone but me and I’m sick of it!The whole thing just is unbelievable, I cry on my way to work because I feel it’s only a matter of time before he cheats or we drift so far apart that we have nothing left.Then I come home today and guess what pornhub on my history…..nice.Now I feel insecure and ugly….We used 2 be best friends, laugh,talk,jump all over each other……………..now I’m starting to feel different,,,like was he always like this and never had the oppurtunity to act on it ? IDK?But it’s scary.I never felt this way about him before almost like he is some stranger, I dont even know if I can believe he loves me anymore….or if he ever did?I’m just hurting so bad and I dont even have my buddy/hubby to talk to anymore.Thank you FB.
I found out my DH had been on facebook by checking history. He had been coming to bed really late some nights after finishing a late shift. 3am sometimes (he’s gome at 11pm). Turns out he had been looking at hundreds of womens photos. Nothing dirty, just snapshots. The women were ex colleagues, a friend of mine (his friend’s wife) my cousin, sisters friend.
We had previously had a big row over nothing 2 weeks ago. He called me a fat ugly dog. He said sorry later (I have called him worse than this in previous rows, so he said he was just saying it first this time) I am about 14lb heavier than when we married. We have 2 kids. I confronted him about FB when he was at work, as soon as I found out. He hung up initially. Then kept phoning me repeatedly all afternoon. I ignored the calls. He was devastated i’d discovered his sordid doings. I had also seen he’d downloaded free porn (he claimed none of it worked) on one occasion. The history also had a few hits for ‘cupid’ on FB which he claimed was a pop up that he’d clicked off.
He begged me to talk when he returned I told hom to get out of our house. I told him to fuck off and I never wanted to see his lying cheating face again. This was 2 days before my birthday. He had booked a city break for us. He kept begging me to talk. I ripped into him and he just kept saying he was stupid, and that he just got addicted to FB and liked looking at ‘good looking’ women (thats a laugh) HE was sorry for the porn, that was inexcuseable. I told him I hated him. He begged me to forgive him. He said this was a stupid thing, and he would cancel his FB account.
I relented in the end. We went away. We had an amazing time. But now I have come down from being treated like a queen. I am starting to resent him again. Should I forgive him? HE says he would never ever cheat on me. He looked me in the eyes and told me I am his soulmate. That he adores me and that he was just ‘being a prick’. I don’t want to break up our family unit. We have 2 kids to consider. Why are men so fucking stupid. Anything for a CHEAP thrill.
Wow. I thought it was just me – really. My husband of almost 20 years actually starting having his affairs – oh – 21 years ago during the engagement. I found all this out recently thanks to FB. FB made it alot easier – actually cell phones and the internet made it alot easier. But – I know (now) he was cheating long before we got cell phones and the internet and FB. I learned a cheater is going to cheat no matter what. All this new technology did was made it easier. My now EX-husband had an affair with his first wh____ and that’s why her first marriage ended in divorce – they were caught then (found this out from her oldest son). I’m not sure about the second, but this was her third marriage they broke apart. They have destroyed at least three families – I would love to be able to tell her that it wasn’t just her over the years nor is it just her now. But she does not deserve the knowledge. Let her find out the hard way – actually she probably isn’t being faithful to him wither. It apparently is not in her nature.
The one good thing about technology is that for every way to cheat – there’s a computer program or cell phone monitor or whatever to catch the cheater.
I completely understand about feeling like a failure and knowing you should leave the adulterer – you described exactly how I felt. I have only been officially divorced for a few months and I have my really bad days (can you tell), but knowing I no longer have to come home to that lying, cheating, adulterer is a blessing. I am becoming a better person with out him. My friends have noticed, my work colleagues have noticed and my relationship with my children (whom he systematically tried to destroy over the last two years with lies) is becoming so much more than I ever hoped for at this point.
Oh yes the facebook! When I seen all these women giving him their cell phone numbers I just wanted to die! We deleted both our facebook accounts about 9mths ago with no look back but before we did that he had a fling wit sum floozy and I m just finding out and because he made the choice not to keep his penis in his pants until he got home to me I’m suffering:-( I know its wrong to say that I want him dead but I do! My mama always told me you should never say Hate unless you truely 100% mean it and not just for that moment and I’ve taut my child hate is a really strong word! But now to hell with all dat I HATE HIME I HATE HIM I HATE HIM! Its not fair:-( I’m tired of wasting my tears on a low life cheating husband!
My recent girlfriend I discovered has a thing for old flames and she finds them on FB. 3 I know for sure and who knows how many more. I just want to tell the wives. They are all victims of this woman and so am I . I don’t know what to do!
I would walk away. She is playing games and you obviously don’t care for it. Good thing is you are not married (hopefully you are not living together either), so you are not legally tied to her, which makes leaving still painful because of the betrayal, but feasible. It’s sad that she is doing this, and trust me, what she is doing will come to light.
Thanks Jewels,
Its taken a lot of time to decide to just leave her to her own devices Sadly, she has 3 kids. But joint custody with her X husband gives her free time to do what she wants.
We weren’t together more than 4 months, but as an Empath I got very messed up from what i was seeing, discovered and felt.
I don’t want to be responsible for when Karma does show up. I just feel bad for her girls.
I have offered countless times for her to talk to me To heal what is driving her to this hurtful lifestyle towards other women and degrading herself.
But she doesn’t see a problem So I can’t help at all. I’m a good person. One day down the line, If it ever happens and she is ready, I will be there to help her sort her life out. But only as a friend.
Just sickening,
It seems like the situation was really making you uncomfortable because you are a good human being and can’t stand to see such behavior. If you were ‘her’, as in the one doing this behavior, and you realized how wrong you were, my opinion would be different. The truth always comes to light and unfortunately she is going to realize the hard way the impact of her actions. I am sure your next relationship will be much better!!
i know how everyone feels. my husband is a pervert. he is 23 (i am 22 and we have a 3 year together) and he says he loves me and all his friends and my friends and his parents (whom love me) say that he acts like he loves me. he has changed quite a bit of his old behavior but not enough. he still likes 16 year old girls. hes addicted to porn. he sees nothing wrong with any of it. he’s been adding hot chicks on fb telling me their just for scenery because he’s not dead. that he will always love me and never cheat on me but i have to not be insecure when he adds hot chicks he never even talks to (i do get on his fb) but it hurts. he’s lied so many times to me about porn (a constant battle) in the past and i don’t think things have gotten any better but his computer doesn’t have net and mine does and id know if i had any on here. i just dont know if im overreacting or if i just need to suck it up and leave him. take my daughter and move out and go to college on my own (we’re both in school)
Hello wondering,
Just my humble opinion, but if he is lying to you now, you are in for a future full of lies if you stay. Many women on this site find out about the lying after 20 years of marriage, luckily it doesn’t have to be you because you are starting to see signs now. It’s one thing to agree to watch porn together or for him to watch it in general if that is what you agree to, but when he is doing and lying about it, that is another thing. Adding hot chicks on facebook that he does not know? People (older men) have sent me requests for that reason and I do think it is immature, especially his reaction to why. It seems that is what you are dealing with because he is so young. And if it was just immaturity, that is one thing, but this lying about porn and your pervert comment, yeah I personally wouldn’t call this one a keeper. You are still so young, you have time to find someone that is not a ‘pervert’ using your terms. Despite what you might think, there are good men out there, and I think you can do much better for yourself. Take Care.
Well he doesn’t lie about it now. The constant battle thing is I think he should tell me when he does look at porn but he doesn’t so I ask because I’m curious and he gets mad because its a private thing with him. he doesn’t like doing it with other people (we have tried). I do understand that because there are things that I like doing with just me but it bothers me when he gets mad at me for needing to know and he used to lie about it all the time in the beginning (his mom GREATLY disapproves) so he always lied to her about it. It wasn’t a very good excuse to me to lie. I just wanted to KNOW he was doing it. I hate secrets so after he learned I am a little more open about some things he stopped lying but he is a real private guy and hates having to share everything with me so it makes me wonder if he really is hiding stuff. Then this hot girls on facebook. There are SO many good qualities but so many bad. Its a real even thing. I did pros and cons but I’m still left wondering. I’m happy one moment with him and then I’m sad another and unhappy with my marriage. I just don’t know anymore. I know you already gave your opinion and its largely what I’ve been thinking but then it kinda just goes away to resurface later. He never really is a dick about anything expect my wanting to know about porn and my tendency to get pissed when he comments on the hotness of a 15 yr old (I know if he wasn’t married he wouldn’t mind getting with a 15 or 16 yr old, hence the pervert comment. He thinks they are sexy and NOT children. When his daughters are that age I hope he’ll think differently). He really tries to understand and he already said he’d stop adding hot chicks on facebook yesterday and that he didn’t realize I would mind so much and instead of bitching about it all I had to do was ask instead of telling him it was wrong. I guess I’m just trying to vent to someone who isn’t biased in one direction or the other because you don’t personally know us. Everyone I know is either for me, for him (he has two friends that think he’s totally in the right. All his other friends think he’s a dick and if i’m unhappy just leave him to grow up), or for US as a couple. Sorry I wrote so much. You don’t have to respond. I just needed to vent.
Thank you for the info about facebook. It really did help me feel better.
I understand what all of you woman are saying. It is unfotunate that it is not only women, i am going through divorce for the exact same thing. I travel sometimes to work in order to provide for my wife and family. I am 100 percent divoted to my wife and i dont have a facebook account. She does and it is all of her if she had not marked in her profile that she was married no one would probaly even know. I told her that is was not a very wise decision to have it. See loneliness happens and her old high school “friends” are there to HELP! HA i was a single man i know what they do and how they do it. I only takes getting your foot in the door. She is also Beautiful and had many many guys that had crushes on her. So i am killing myself to provide and make the best life for my wife and i am being backdoored by assholes that should not even be in her life! It is a very very sad situation for me I am completely heartbroken and lost!! FACEBOOK is pure evil for a marriage and if you want to be divorced it will probably end up that way if you decide that it is fine to have.
Hello Dustin,
Welcome to the site. Several men have contacted me experiencing their wife cheating, and I feel for you. I am glad you posted your story. Someone on the site recently commented that all men are ‘dogs/cheaters’.
And I responded saying that is not true, because I have interacted with many men that have gone through the same horrible pain, and I know you probably cant see this now, but someone like you that was devoted to your wife gives MANY of us women hope, including myself.
Facebook accounts and marriage is a touchy subject. I almost think it should be an all or nothing thing, meaning if your married you should both not have it, or both have it and have access to each others account. If you are married, what do you have to hide, right?
I hope everything works out from the divorce standpoint, as you can see from the site, there are many women who wouldn’t imagine doing such a thing. May you recover and find love again.
I’m sorry Dustin. I wish my husband (currently getting a divorce ) was so supportive and dedicated to his marriage. I’ve done alot and I MEAN ALOT for my husband, but its unfortunate that these types of selfish people take advantage of good people. They are selfish, and truly lack the emotional connection…in understanding what marriage is all about. The internet is the most sneaky way of cheating…facebook, emails, chat rooms, and dating sites. My husband is like those typical stupid criminals…don’t know how to cover their tracks. I was able to find his profile in yahoo, but the idiot forgot to place restrictions on it so the public couldn’t view it. Later he deleted it, but I saved a print screen shot.
what’s worse the picture he uploaded had a date stamp underneath it!!! lol…total moron. I just don’t have the repect for him anymore.
Facebook, etc is just another outlet for cheaters to continue their infidetly….its just so easy. Don’t loose yourself, I did for a period of time. Man it hurts bad,especially when they are not remorseful and continue to lie. Personally, I’ve taken what I learned from my experience and pray that someday if another person comes along he is dedicated, and sincere. And if i don’t ever find that person, I pray that I will have peace of mind and happiness. LIFE IS TOO SHORT.
F*ckbook has rocked my world… my husband and his lover were never “friends”- they were too smart for that. It was an accident that i saw some messages from her in his account. my life has not been the same since.
That’s the part that these cheaters don’t understand….literally changes the whole dynamtics of the relationship. You will never be the same person and you will never look at that cheating spouse the same loving eyes. Can we say resentment???
Love what you wrote below….
“I’ve taken what I learned from my experience and pray that someday if another person comes along he is dedicated, and sincere. And if i don’t ever find that person, I pray that I will have peace of mind and happiness. LIFE IS TOO SHORT.”
I feel the same way, I want to learn to have fun alone, be totally happy alone, and if someone comes along that’s great!
I’m new to this site (unfortunately) but so very glad I found it.
Currently reeling with shock and in a world of pain after accidentally discovering an affair of several months making, finally consummated on fathers day. Brilliant. We have been married for coming up to 11 years and have one girl of 10 (today). I didn’t see it coming and a week later I’m still physically shaking. I think I have a mountain of reading and thinking ahead of me, not to mention the mess of sorting out a massive mortgage while in the middle of a building project. Everything is in joint names of course and depends on both incomes to succeed. Perfect timing. Thanks, Jewels, for this site. I think I’ll be here a lot *sigh*.
I mean honestly does it matter if they delete their FB account…it doesn’t take away the deceit and hurt it caused. What if they make another account but with a different name…? My soon to be IDIOT MORON husband…had different email accounts under another alias. This just my own thought, once that door is open…I don’t think you close it. Internet is just so easy and these gross thoughts and perversions can come to life via the internet. I mean seriously you can’t just come up to someone and start a sexual conversation…but the internet….JUST TOO EASY! Perfect for these low lives….but at least you know what kind of person they truly are…..just sickening…. and sad.
My husband befriended a old flame on fb. I had looked her up. I thought she was married and I had nothing to worrry about. Wrong!!!!!! She had commented on my husbands wall to come and see her. Well he did later on. They used Fb to communicate and then the phone calls. I found out when I looked at his phone because was always on it using fb. Lord I didnt want to see what I seen, He admitted it and we are in marriage counseling right now but this is not easy! FB can be a good thing but I dont like FB at all!!!!
Hi Jen,
Wow I feel like I am reading my own post. My husband too has hooked up with an old girlfriend from the past through fb. I confronted him he told me yes that he had been in contact but that nothing was going on. He has been hiding his mobile or more so having it turned on silent. We are going to try counselling cause apparently I am the reason why he is doing so but firstly we are having individual counselling. Now I am not saying I am perfect and yes I have to take half of the blame for the faltering of our marriage but I feel like he is taking none. Anyway my other problem comes here – he has taken to leaving his mobile out cause I asked him to but I have discovered that he is now using his old mobile to still communicate with her…..nice hey he must have gone and bought another sim card and is still doing what he told me would not go on and I am supposed to try to save this……So Jen I sympathise with you and hope that you can work things out.
Happened to me too. My now x got “friended” by a fellow female student from their high school, went to the reunion and POOF! 2 marriages ended. She moved from New Jersey to the San Francisco 6 weeks after my things were moved out of the house. They Skyped, txted, he changed all his passwords and got very secretive. He started taking trips to see “old friends” all over the country , this is all when I trusted him. He was also easily agitated. ALL signs to look for!!
Also-if your intuition goes off, you know, that voice in your head that says “Something is wrong” don’t ignore it. Mine went off 6 months before it all blew up.
I thought I was safe-she was married, and we were married. Not the happiest time in our relationship, but we were still saying “I love you” and being kind friends. Something happens when those old flames fair up again, I don’t get it. And I am working through the betrayal, trusting anyone again won’t be easy.
Hello Jen,
It’s crazy because in your mind, you thought you were protected because she was married because YOU would never do that, unfortunately, some women just don’t care. Now the problem is going to be FB is going to be a trigger for you, if he still uses it, every time you see that darn app it’s going to give you that pit because that is where is all start. I hope things work out for you in counseling. Keep in touch and let me know how things progress.
Cathyc,
Wow this is the third posting today about both parties being married, much more common than I once thought. I agree with the intuition statement. Something was just not right, I felt it, but we put it to the side because we don’t want to believe it or don’t want to be the crazy wife with these thoughts that don’t have anything concrete attached to them. I guess we all have to watch out for these reunions!!! Trusting again will not be easy, I am working through that myself, how do you go on after and actual start opening up to men again. Part of me is very closed to the idea, and part of me is like ‘heck no, he will not be the cause of me not opening myself up to certain experiences’. It’s a tough call, but I will work through it and figure it out in time. Right now, the thought of even dating leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and I don’t like that because I did nothing wrong and I know for a fact that he will be dating and go on and marry again and I don’t want to be that person after 20 years, still won’t give dating another try (I can’t see marriage again for me). But that is just my opinion now, who knows! The great news is that I am really really enjoying the time I have alone (almost a little too much lol).
FB is ruining my marriage (and so is my cheating husband). after 16 years of marriage I am finding that he now sleeps and shits with his cell phone, he is very secretive about his after work whereabouts. recently I have been found out he has been hanging out with various women from “work” and old high school girlfriends. all are on his FB acct and which he defends are just his “friends”. The next he comes home at 4am from an “afterwork” party, he will find all his clothes in boxes, outside in the driveway.
By the way, he turned 40 this year!
Rebecca,
Don’t ignore the red flags!! See my posts on July 5 & 7th. A few days before I found out about the affair with a “girl” he had friended a couple months earlier….he had stayed out all night (well until about 3-4am or so) for the 3rd time in a month (of course always telling me he was out with friends listening to music then stayed talking after the bar closed). I told him “next time you come home at 3, 4, 5 in the morning, you’re gonna find all your shit on the front lawn…including that F*ing Harley!” He just looked at me — no response. It was only about 2 or 3 days later I came home early from work to overhear his end of a conversation…with his “friend”.
Just saying — be aware and be prepared!!
Sending best wished and hugs your way….:)
Sandy-Sue
Hello Rebecce,
Of course I can’t tell you if your husband is cheating, but that darn cell phone when he sleeps and shits drives me up a wall, it’s a huge trigger for me because my husband did that when he was cheating. Coming in at 3-4 am, we have all been there as well, as Sandy-Sue posted. It seems like you already know or have a feeling of what is going on, hopefully your husband can straighten up before it’s too late.
Just found out my husband has been having an affair and the lady sent me messages on facebook and also pictures to my phone. He finally came clean about the whole situation and now claims he is committed to working on our marriage. Not only that I just found out he gave me an STD, I’m hurt confused, scared and I have no idea what to do!
Crissy: I have some insight into an adulterous man: You need to just trust yourself and leave. Stop wondering IF he is being truthful – he is NOT. FB is not the problem; men who cheat are narcissists and FB is merely one of many tools they use. I know; I was until recently the OW. (I left.) My 11 year now-ex-bf was/is married, said he was miserable, cried the poor me “miserable but cannot leave my kids” song to win me over, cheated for 6 years the first time – (we told her everything) – and then 8 months later we got back together, 5 years the second time – that time I had posted a photo of us on a sailboat just to make sure he wasn’t lying about me and our relationship this time as he swore they didn’t love one another but he was staying for the kids. I went along, thinking that was the best compromise since we quite obviously loved each other despite the difficulty. Turns out, once she discovered the FB photo he went back into lying mode (denied all 5 years despite the photo), and manipulating me as well not to tell her anything and lie to her – which I refused to do. Long story short, (despite that I did, and do, love him – even though I never asked him to leave her or the family which was hard) I finally lost faith he was being truthful when she used a fake profile to call me names, told her everything to make sure all the lies he obviously told were corrected, and withdrew from the whole mess. Say what you want: it is hard to be in a bad marriage with children, and it is hard also to be the person that guy falls in love with when he is a good father and you are a person who believes dads should try to stay with their kids if they can. For me ultimately, it became truly toxic and selfish because we were all serving his needs while he was pretending it was all for the kids – no way to raise kids. So now they are stuck with each other; I am definitely withdrawn from the whole thing. You might say I should not have told her the truth, but I don’t think it is fair for her to hear all these lies, wonder whether she should believe him when I can answer that question and at least relieve her mind. I did love him, and stood by him in a bad situation for a long time (twice!) but he was ultimately never loyal to me, just apparently selfish – wanted us both. I am happier without him, oddly enough, even though I love him because distrusting him was a daily punishment (not knowing what to believe). FB is not your problem; it is the men raised to believe that they are entitled to treat people and their hearts so callously without consequence. The least I could do was pull off his mask and then withdraw from his reach. I deserved better, and I know that now. Had he had the courage to tell the truth to her, I believe he would have served his children much better in a happy, healthy home free of conflict and full of love. Then again, maybe he knew he would never be faithful so might as well stick with this marriage and cheat the whole time. One thing I am certain about is that he is continuing to cheat (not with me of course) and she is still in the misery of his denials in a sad marriage. From the OW: IF HE IS CHEATING, HE WILL DO IT AGAIN. GET OUT. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, SECURE, AND AT PEACE. You will have that without someone treating you without respect. Alone is better than wasting your love and attention on an idiot with no courage or loyalty.
Hello Crissy,
Its interesting how this happens. Husband Cheats on wife with the other woman. Other woman gets mad and sends pictures to phone. Crissy this is so common it’s insane and it angers me a little that our husbands put this type of trust in the other women. You really would trust someone outside of your wife with pics, (sometimes naked) of yourself. And it appears he did not use a condom, which if you read this post you will realize that most men that cheat do not use condoms.
http://www.acheatinghusband.com/do-cheating-husbands-use-condoms/
I say this to tell you that no need to be scared, this has happened to many many women, and they are still here. During the next couple of months, there needs to be an assesment as to if he is really willing to put in the work to save the marriage. It’s one thing to want to work on a marriage, it's another thing to put in the time, work and effort to recovery from such a difficult situation, and that is what he needs to prove to you through actions, not words. I wish you well in your journey.
I am experiencing the pain, betrayal, and mistrust in my marriage due to FB and my lying husband. I have been married for 15 years and supported him during nursing school. He is in his forties. Recently, something told me to check up on his FB account. and other of his activities. I went out of town a couple weeks ago and he works 12 hour midnight shifts. I called his work the night before I left and his supervisor said that he wasn’t there. I blew up his phone and he came home around midnight. He tried to say he was working in a different department that night. However, his paycheck did not reflect the hours. He has a weak explanation for his missing Viagra and lack of sexual interest in me. Everything pointed to an affair, physical or emotional
I began investigating into his lies and found messages where he asked his old lead singer in his band (his hobby…yeah right) for a drink. He told her that “he was single now” and made fun of me . He was flirting with young women in his nursing classes telling them they were “hot” and “gorgeous” ect. He was planing to meet an old classmate from high school in person to talk about his “marital problems” and gain sympathy for whatever. He lies to these women and tells them what a horrible wife I am, blah, blah, blah. IF they only knew the truth that he is playing ALL of them. Cheaters are never faithful even to their “mistress.” She is a fool if she believes THAT.
I want to warn women on the internet about men like my husband. He IS a narcissist and has no remorse for what he did to me or others. They use women like objects to fullfill their own selfish needs. He says what he thinks women want to hear to get in their bed, bank accounts, and lives. When he get his needs met and he thinks that you are no longer useful, he will discard you like a piece of garbage with no feelings or remorse.
When my husband was caught, he went to the bank and withdrew all our money, walked out, did not pay his bills, blamed me for everything, and then tried to win me back after his W______s would not engage in his attention seeking anymore. Good news. I have the last laugh. I have the most shark-like lawyer who is hitting him where it hurts the most….his bank account. He loves money more than people. He is living with his cousin sleeping on the couch in a crappy apartment. I refuse to help him financially or pay the bills in his name. I told him to contact that “hot” girl he was talking to on FB or his ex lead singer (who is going through a divorce herself) for sympathy. Not me.
I sent all his whores messages and told them that he is a cheater, liar, and predator. They can HAVE him. lol
Also, I find it disgusting and revolting that a man in his forties has to gain validation and get attention from twenty year old classmates and college students to feel good about himself. He is weak and so is his ego. He is not that attractive and looks his age. Of course, a narcissist always thinks they look younger in the mirror. He is trying to relive his youth.
We’ll see who is crazy now when I win in court and laugh all the way to the bank
He has lost the respect of me, our four children, co-workers, family, and friends. Honestly, he gained nothing but an instant thrill and lost everything we have had in the past 15 years. What a loser and good riddance.
Florida Girl, good for you! My husband is 52 now but for the last 4 1/2 yrs tried picking up 18+ girls. What was he thinking? No 18yr old is going to want a man with no money and not that good looking (age has done a number on him). I never wanted to be with a 52 yr old when I was 18! Men constantly want validation for everything. Their ego has to be stroked to make them feel good about themselves. I am glad you found your strength to move on.
Hello Florida Girl,
That is crazy that once he found out he tried to literally take out all of the money and be ‘on the run’. How about talking to your wife and trying to understand what is going on? And then after they all left now he wants to come back? After the wife leaves they typically want to come back – too late for him. I am glad you are making sure that you and your family are protected, cheers to a better future, has got to be brighter than the present
Here is an update on my cheating 40 year old mid-life crisis husband, who slept and shit with his cell phone. I was very frank and honest with him. I told him I knew what he was doing, threw out some reasons why I believed he was cheating (emotionally anyways) the evidence was harsh. I basically told him to choose between his marriage and family or go party and chat with his new FB lady friends and female co-workers. His choice was to stay in the marriage and work on our relationship. Since then he has not been coming home late from work, does not sit and play on his phone in secret and has not corresponded with the skank would-be home wreckers who are all divorced, with children . I know this because I now check the cell phone usage and his FB account. I can honestly say we have been getting along much better and our sex life has improved wonderfully. He knows I would kick his ass out of the house in a heart beat and is somewhat smart enough to know his FB flirting is not worth it. Trust is earned.
Rebecce, My husband was 48 when he started cheating emotionally too. Do they really think we don’t see them taking their phone to the bathroom or hiding it when we come in the family room. Men are so stupid! I too looked up the cell phone usage and even got some of the numbers off of it. Just be sure he doesn’t have another phone somewhere else because mine was so far into sexting that he bought a separate phone and had an ebill sent to him. What a waste of money and time. Adult websites and chatrooms can cost money most me really dont have extra to spend. My husband spent $175 on Ashley Madison site and a phone site @ $9.99 a month so he could live chat and send pics to these girls. You know these girls on these sites are just collecting the money and laughing all the way to the bank. If they just put the energy into us and our families everything would be so much better for everyone.
Rebecce – Nice update – it seems you got your husband in line – love it!!
LisaP – I remember that whole stage of my husband keeping his cell phone at all times, and I really think they think we are dumb or just don’t notice! Mine did the separate phone thing as well – ‘oh baby you can have my phone, check it anytime’, little did I know that was the dummy phone, he had another one. So many stories on this site are so similiar, I wonder if there is a website where they learn this stuff, it’s crazy!
Wow, in some ways it’s comforting to see that I am not alone with the FB crap. I found out exactly 1yr ago that my husband was having a FB affair with a girl he went to elementary school with. She had me blocked (I did not know) and they had opened myspace accounts (I guess that didn’t work too good, he stopped posting there almost immediately) and went back to FB. I found out accidently, I used his computer and it he was still signed in and I saw a message from her, that sent up red flags. It made me look at his message and there they were. He was an idiot and left at all there for me to find. I confronted him a few day’s before Thanksgiving, changed my plans for the holidays and told him to make other plans for my reunion. His excuse was flimsy and I told him so, we worked on making it better. I did email her telling her I knew and to back off. At first she denied it but when I let her know in no uncertain terms that her lies matter nothing, I knew the truth, she admitted it. I confronted him again and again, his excuses were lame and it wasn’t until the end of January that after finding more and more shit that he came totally clean. We have been working on putting things back together and most day’s it’s easy. Lately it’s been harder with the anniversary just passing. You see she has a habit of hooking up with married men on FB. So I’ve kept a file of everything I have found and any email’s I received from my husband and the other women, to send to her husband, should I find out that she is screwing around in another marriage. I found it today cleaning my desk at work (yes I keep it at work, I’m not stupid, I may need it in the future) and had to read some of it. Stupid move. I know after 24yrs we can get past this and I will trust him once more. What I don’t get is what was in it for her. She kept telling him to leave me, but geographically it was never going to happen, she was in Oklahoma and he was in Pennsylvania. Plus if she knew him just a tiny bit, she would have known even if she was successful in getting him to leave me, he would never leave his kids. Funny thing too, she has really no pictures of herself on FB and those she does show only her from the bridge of her nose up or old from highschool (30yrs ago). That should have been a red flag. I did find a recent picture of her (from 2010) and showed it to hubby, he was shocked, he had no idea. She was huge. I know if had seen a picture of the 2010 her and not the 1980 her he would never have picked up with her. I now have all his passwords and I check the history on the computer everyday. She has emailed him recently and he showed me those and it was her complaining and asking him to have me stop checking up on her. I laughed and told him, tell her to tell me herself. I’ve yet to hear from her. So I’ll keep looking for my “mail to husband file”.
Florida Girl:
Wow you’re so cool! Thumbs up for you girl!
He is really stupid *laugh*. I think he tried to run off to scare you and meant you to be submissive, thinking you will beg for him to come back *laugh*.
Rebecce:
Good for you! I’m glad for you!
Gina:
Men are stupid when they come to their lust. You would have a big laugh at this and a great pride stabber for him. Still it really ask the question of commitment.
I also advocate the use of Karezza. Sorry if it keep popping from me, but karezza reflects what I believe marriage and love should be. Its about giving and receiving love with someone you are committed with.
Hello Gina,
Yes most cheaters leave big trails once we find out. Cheaters get caught up in the fantasy. He was thinking of her back 30 years ago when clearly she does not look the same now, but in his mind he was imagining it that way, I bet showing you that picture was a shocker. It seems like the recovery is working ok for you, the anniversary is expected to be a big trigger that would remind you of the affair, reading those emails probably added some additional flare to it as well. It seems like he is acting ok and willing to do what it takes to mend, which is good, I wish you well.
i don’t think its because of facebook i mean if a man really loves his wife enough he will control him self how ever i have told my husband to control him self begged him, got in my knees and crying, begging him to stop he said every time “I PROMISE I WONT DO IT ANY MORE” and guess what im leaving him so now he stops after i stop the threats and take action in my words and still i have my suspensions about him not even trying to stop so he can win me back and if he did stop and i give him yet another chance he will just start the cycle all over again!!!!
@Terra, Men don’t know they are in the cycle until it’s too late. The are stuck because it is and addiciton to them. They get a sort of high because someone is paying attention to them. Just like in porn in the begining it harmless until it doesn’t do it for them and then they need so see more hardcore porn and more and more. My husbands addiction to booze and porn where so out of control until he finally had to go cold turykey on both. The alcohol he has done great at not drinking anymore but the porn is harder for him. He still thinks it’s ok if he watches very little of it now. I on the other hand do not. It’s and addiction just like alcohol. He used to watch porn ( hardcore anal) everyday and even if we just had sex he would run to the computer. I won’t do anal with him so this is his fantasy. Now he watches it 3-4 times a week and only anal. But I can handle this amount comparied to what it was.
Now that you going he will see what he has done wrong. He has to admitt he was wrong before he can correct himself. Men don’t want to be told what to do so they always think they are right.
The only way my husband changed was when I threatened divorce over his addictions. Then he begged me not to throw him out. The shoe was on the onther foot and it felt good. You can’t change him if he doesn’t want to change himself!
Well, looks like I’m a big fool after all. More than a month passed and I have to say things were looking up in my marriage. My husband and I talked about common goals, why we wanted our marriage to work and I heard numerous times how “I had his heart” seems like it was too good to be true right?? Thursday night he got drunk with a friend who came over. Not a big deal, except he pissed the bed. YES, PISSED the bed! Nice, so Im up half the night doing laundry. Friday night rolls around and I’m tired. I work 40 hours a week and not much sleep the night before had me napping on the couch in front of the television that evening. Precious husband gently wakes me up at 10:30 and ushers me upstairs to bed. He is amorous and after my nap, so was I. a while later I am laying in bed, listening to him snore like a freight train, thinking about his damn phone. I bet I laid there for over an hour telling myself to trust him and not look at his phone. That nagging voice in my head won and I got up and took his phone downstairs and proceeded to check his FB messages. Mind you, his man-goo is still trickling down my leg as I read a message he sent to some FB skank @ 9:23 earlier that evening, how he would like to meet her for drinks sometime. she apparently lives an hour south of us and he has to drive there on occasion for work. The bitch responds favorably and even tells him to wish OUR daughter luck on her basketball game the next morning! Nice right? Oh it gets better. I send the bitch a message back from his phone to the tune of “on second thought, I don’t want meet you for drinks because I would be jeopardizing my marriage and family with some FB cunt like you and you aren’t worth it” I threw in something about Jenny Craig and karma being a bitch. I hit send and then block the bitch from his FB account. I take the phone upstairs and wake him up demanding why he would want to make plans with a bitch on his FB. He claimed he never met her, friended her because she likes the same boring ass AM talk radio shit he listens to and comments on the radio personalities FB pages. Never really was going to meet her just being friendly. Didn’t know why he did it. I am mad as hell, I figure I will make sure he doesnt forget I AM HIS Wife! I am his HEART! I take a wooden paint stick and I beat his bare ass purple. This of course leads to other things and Im ashamed that I let let it happen! to have sex with him again after he was chatting up some pig was a new low for me. Perhaps Im desperate, who knows, but I am a fool for sure. Saturday was a strange day and I thought about his offer of drinks to the nameless FB whore. It festered inside me all day. No sex that night. Sunday I skipped church and kept thinking about my foolishness in believing him and I stayed away all day with shopping. SUnday night I decide to open a bottle of red wine. Well the bitch came out and her claws her sharp. I lit into him like a banshee. Demanded he delete the FB page and smuggly told him his potential drink buddy wasnt going to message him anymore since HE called her a cunt. He looks, sees the message and gets defensive. Claims again he would never have met her and then tells ME the “he is done with me” and not to sleep in our bed that I should have never have sent such a mean message. Can you flippin believe it? Im am so mad right now my chest hurts and my ears are ringing. Here it is 3:19am I havent slept a wink, I have to be at work at 8 and that cheating, lying, bed pissing mother fucker has kicked ME out of the bed.
I thought I would feel better writing all this and sharing my foolishness with the anonymous cyber world, but instead I have this tightness in my chest. I can’t even cry.
Hello Rebecca,
I can feel the anger in your email, you feels used and very upset that he would even hint at kicking you out of the bed for being ‘mean’ to her (I personally would of been angry at some random FB person talking about my daughter to my husband, but that is another issue).
You have a right to be upset, you trusted him and he is still playing games. You are not a fool – at all. You trusted your husband and gave him another chance, that’s it. I did the same thing, took him back and for 3 months he was still seeing her right in front of me and I didn’t know it, and unfortunately, the second time around stings more than the first, which is why you are in so much pain.
For your husband to get that upset at you for messaging her means that he has some issues and his priorities are not straight. To be honest, focusing on him is going to cause you more stress and chest pain (I went to the doctor a couple of times due to chest pain during this ordeal – not fun). I would take a back seat on focusing on him and the craziness, and start to reflect and thing about Rebecca and what type of life Rebecca wants to live. I know it’s hard to do amidst the drama, but force yourself to do it even if it is for a few minutes a day. Think about the life YOU want to live and what that would look like, and take steps towards that. Eventually, the more you start thinking about the life you want to live, you will automatically take steps towards it. You will get through this Rebecca.
So I married a man 13 years older than me thinking he was mature by that age and wanted to settle down. We knew each other for 12 years and in December last year he send me a private message on facebook. Started out with how has it been going just like he starts out doing with married women and 20 year olds on facebook. We eventually got married and after being married I asked him to delete his facebook because he openly admitted married women chat with him all the time. Being the smart person I am that threw up a red flag because married women have no right facebooking, texting, emailing a male moreless a married one. Just like a married man shouldn’t be doing either has he was. He would go behind my back and reactivate his facebook time after time and lie about it when confronted. He has a facebook addiction. In August I get a phone call from a highschool senior wanting to let me know that my husband had been facebooking one of her 20 year old friends that was still a senior in highschool (I mean what a real winner). The girl forwarded me all the facebook messages between them
and after him being confronted he got all mad and through blame on me and told me it was me setting him up to make me look stupid when I didnt even know this girl. I mean really!!! Later on in September I get a message from this married man asking me to tell my husband to leave his wife alone and stop facebooking her. So that same day I had enough and went and had divorce papers drawn up and told him he could either delete facebook for good since he abuses the privledge or lose me. He deleted it for 2 days and back behind my back he was doing it all over again. So I filed for divorce because I will not be disrespected in that manner. In October he has this 20 year old putting on his wall she wanted his funnel cake and he put he wanted her cotton candy and she put back her candy apple was sweeter talking sexual. Now remind you a human in his 40′s acting like this. Our divorce was final in November. Wasn’t two weeks later he was on my door steps crying and beating his head on a brick wall saying he was sorry he admits his wrong and will do whatever it takes to get our marriage back even go to counseling after I begged him to do that before the divorce. We go to counseling and the counselor straight up to his face told him to get rid of facebook for good if he wanted this to work and he shouldn’t even put himself in that position married or not. Before we went into counseling his facebook was deleted the same night as counseling he REACTIVATED it. Can you believe this. Like I told him his chances ran out a long time ago and he needed to delete it or Im done for good. So over this past weekend I discover he has facebook and when confronted bold face lied about it. Remind everyone I dont have facebook! I told him I was done for good and he said that was stupid over facebook and I should trust him!!! Now Im pretty sure I know the answer but should I tell him to kiss my tail and never look back??? Then he says he doesnt like the tention when its all his doing and dission making!!!
Not too mention he says I’m overreacting and the counselor raises up out of his seat and says to him she has a right to overreact and if she wasnt I would think shes stupid and told him he was stupid to think I wouldnt overreact
This didn’t just start with Facebook. When AOL first started the IM Chat, Classmates, and My Space began the connection of getting people reconnected from their past and casual acquaintances could meet in chat rooms and start relationships there.
I completely agree that some people have no conscious, common sense or whatever you want to call it when they post things. My husband started having alot of women friends and majority I didn’t know who they were. When I asked him his answer was they were from his high school and said they are “just friends”. The women would make flirtacious comments which he just ate up. THey started FB chatting and I put my foot down and he blew me off until his own family and our daughters started asking him why he had more women as friends then men. When he finally “got it, there was a couple of female friend requests that came in and his mom and I asked who they were. “Some girls I went to school with” he replied. We asked if they hung out together or were good friends and he replied he barely knew them. So, his mom and I in unison said, then there is no reason to want to know what is happening in their lives now and just ignore the request. He said it never dawned on him that it was okay to ignore the request because he didn’t want to hurt their feelings. We said he doesn’t know them and doesn’t owe them anything. So, from that point on, when he gets female friend requests, I get to approved or disapprove them. We went through his FB and removed all the friends that were not male, family or couple friends of ours.
FB is a virtual coffee shop, bar, whatever you want to make it where people can connect. It is not evil but people who have dishonorable intentions or weak use it to destroy their lives in ways in one click.
Theresa
This is to Sunshine:
Sounds like your husband either is a Sex Addict or a Love Addict where they crave attention. FB is how he administers his drug of choice. Until he realizes he has a problem and wants to change, he won’t. I am sorry that you had to go through this.
Oh he def craves attention! He has to be seen and loves attention from all ages females. We would walk in a store together and he would tell a women he lobed her hair or outfit just to be noticed by her. It would be different if I looked like a dog but like the counselor told him he’s lucky he got me in the first place! The thing is he gets all the love and bedroom time he wants plus more than he can handle. Just he likes to me noticed and attention on him! I deserve better and will not play seconds to anybody especially a Facebook fling
Hello Sunshine,
You are not leaving him over facebook, you are leaving him because he is lying and interacting with 20 year old’s. I agree with you, as a 40 year old man, posting that you want a 20 year old’s cotton candy is a big much, and he should be totally embarrassed that a high school student contacted you. I can tell from his response that he was even through he would not admit it.
I think you did the right thing. You gave him many chances to straighten up. You filed for divorce and gave him another chance, and he still can’t stop. And to be honest, I know this was all around facebook, but if he ends up shutting fb down, within a couple of months, he will find a new tool to use. More importantly he needs to go to counseling himself for a while and understand why he has the need to interact with married women and 20 year old’s. And clearly he is not ready to have that conversation. So in my personal opinion, you are not overreacting, your job in life is not to babysit him everyday and check and see if he is on fb, or any other tool. When I would hear those type of things (you are overacting, ect., ect.,) instead of getting angry, after a while I would just say yep, sure am. Agree with him and proceed to continue to do what you feel is the right thing for you. I just don’t see that he is ready to turn things around for himself. Ironically fb brought you together and tore you guys apart…darn.
Thanks Theresa,
I agree with you, fb is a tool. And if tomorrow fb shut down completely, they will find another tool of choice on the internet. I know several people personally that have found moms, brothers, and sisters on fb. Since it’s such an open tool, you can utilize it for whatever you want, some for good use, some for naughty things. That’s cool that you have an approval process. I thought the same thing about my husband, why do you have all these girls as friends, and why do I not know any of them but 2 out of the 100? I wish I would of thought of the technique you used back when I had the same thoughts.
@Theresa and Sunshine, FB and many other site are tools for people and ther are addicting too. These people who get hooked into them are missing something in their own lives and they need a computer to make themselves feel better. When all along the person who can make them feel better is right in front of them (wifes & family). My husband got addicted to all the porn sex forums and AshleyMadison sites. He couldn’t get enough, would even wake up in the middle of the night to check his phone or watch porn. When we would have sex, sometimes 2-3 times a day on weekends he would jump on the pc when I left the house to run errands to watch hardcord porn. I threatened divorce too and he cried to me that he has an addiction problem and I said no shit! He was and alcoholic too on top of the sex addiction. They go hand in hand, since he started AA he has been clean and sober and finally understands what he was doing is cheating. Even though I was telling him for years he never thought so as long as he wasn’t touching these women.(he said is was just fun!) But in AA an old woman told him he had been cheating on me with these women for years, then he finally understood. I didn’t divorce him after all because he never physically touched anyone and he took responsibilty for his actions. The trust is hard to repair after so much drama and mistrust over a 5yr period., but it’s growing slowly and I am trying my best. He keeps saying he will make this up to me but really how can he?
Lisa, I’ve noticed your support of me and other women today and I want to send you an encouraging message. My husband has been sober for 8 years and also has a porn addiction. His problem is that he was not honest with his friends in AA or with therapists. I only learned of his affairs a month ago. I understand the importance of honesty in all forms of recovery because I am 11 years sober. The fact that a woman in AA told him he had been cheating all these years and he finally understood is a very good sign. It sounds like he is grasping the concept of honesty. That is wonderful! Sometimes it takes some one else to tell them something before they will listen. It hurts the spouse because he or she has tried to. I wish you all the best in your recovery from the pain. Take care of yourself.
Jeannie thank you, this site has been a God send to me. I can vent and express my thoughts without judgement. It’s free therapy! I dont know how many therapist have been cheated on so they really don’t know the pain we go through and can only give us so much support. My mother asked me why I visit this site? I told her it’s my therapy, plan and simple. We women all have a bonded through this site and that makes us stronger. My close girlfriends call me “The Sleuth”, because I have so many ways to find out information on the OW or my husband. If they are in any trouble they just call me and I am there for them.
My husband hooked up with is old girlfriend from Facebook. I read this article and was like, “Oh My God!”. This is just what happened. Most of my husband’s “friends” are women. Women from his youth. I knew that when this one pig contacted him back in 2009 it wasn’t good. I expressed my concerns and he kept telling me that he doesn’t care about her and he loves me and all this crap. Come to find out that she started messaging him over FB in September and then it escalated to texts, phone calls and emails and finally meetings. He works in NYC and we live in PA so it was easy for him to tell me that he had to work late. He started telling me that he was staying over in NY at a co-workers apartment…all the time he was going to her house to spend the night. He went to her house on Christmas Eve to exchange gifts. He lied and said he was going to a friend’s house on New Years Day to watch the football game…he came home at 4:30 the following morning. I busted him when I came across a packing slip in his pocket with her name on it. I just KNEW then and my heart sank. I confronted him about it and he came out that he was seeing her. At first he played it off that there was no sex…then I find out it’s very sexual. He’s been telling her that he loves her and that kills me the most. She KNOWS that he’s married and has four kids. I just feel so confused. He says he wants to work it out and we are supposed to go to marriage counseling on the 16th of the this month…but he’s still seeing her. He says he just can’t break it off with her yet. He has a real connection with her physically but, at the same time, he says he can’t see himself with anyone else than me in the future. This is TORTURE!! I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I keep thinking about them being together, him lying to me and my heart is just broken. If anyone can please let me know if this gets any better…I would appreciate it. I feel so alone and like such a FOOL!! I have been a loving and loyal wife for 12 years…we have been together for 18. He keeps saying he’s “sorry” but that enrages me more because I feel like: 1.) He’s sorry that he got “caught”. It’s not fun anymore and 2.) If you were really, truly sorry you would break it off with her! This sucks!!
Oh Gail,
Your story is just like mine and you are giving me hope. I don’t know if your husband broke it off with the OW right away. Mine is still in contact with his. Now this is all very new as I just found out on Monday and have been telling him to cut her off. He says he “can’t” just yet, but he really wants to work things out. He is very eager to attend marriage counseling, which I am taking as a good sign…..but he’s still in contact with her. Did your husband break it off right away or did it take a little while?
I also made one of the cardinal errors that were listed above. I did contact her on FB. At first I sent her a message looking for answers. She ran to hubby claiming that she was “scared”. He told me not to harass her and I let him read what I sent to her. Today I sent her a message saying that she’s a horrible person. “What kind of woman would mess around with a married man?” I asked…knowing he has a family. One that is only thinking of herself and has no conscience. I told her to get the hell out of my marriage and our lives. I just closed my FB account and I feel a little better.
Oh Jane,
I know exactly how you are feeling. I can’t stop shaking either. This morning I tried to have a cup of coffee…only the puke it back up. It’s a very physical thing..the pain is physical. Also, my husband got very protective of all of his passwords too. He was always on his Blackberry and never let me see anything…in fact, he got defensive when I asked. This was going back as far as a year or so ago….why didn’t I see those red flags that I see now? I feel like such a fool!
Wow! I can sooo relate to this site. I’ve been married for over 31 years and like a total idiot trusted my husband when he was out of town. Over the past few years he has been spending less and less time with me. I kept thinking that it was because it was of starting up a new business. We both have facebook accounts and I continually asked him to be my friend. He told me that he didn’t need to be my friend because we lived together and knew what each other was doing. Stupid stupid me!!! I believed him. Now I find that he’s been with another woman for at least 2 years. I feel so ill. I wake up in the middle of the night stressing so much. He won’t talk to me other than to say… It’s me, not you. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Nothing seems important to me. Now he’s seeing a head shrink and still tells me nothing except that she told him that the two of us are poison to each other now. And he’s still sees that Skank.
Hello Tina,
Another story of a cheating husband. The thing that concerns me most about your story is that he is still seeing her, saying that he can’t break it off just yet. My husband didn’t out right say this, but when I put the phone to his face and told him to break it off, I should of known. Your husband caught feelings for this women and the fantasy world she has created. I know it cuts like a knife hearing your husband say he can not break it off.
This is very fresh so your emotions are all over the place. I will tell you to be careful. You don’t want to get into a situation where he is going to counseling with you on a continual basis and still seeing her. If that happens that could be an indication that he is still caught up with this women, but wants to hold on to the image of family.
At a certain point when you feel comfortable, he needs to choose, maybe counseling will help.
Lastly, you are not a fool, you trusted your husband which is what we are suppose to do, if he says he is working late, then you believe him. Trust me, if you would of questioned him, he probably would of made you feel like you are blowing things out of proportion.
I wish you well in your recovery. This stage is really hard, eating and sleeping will not be easy, so try to be easy on yourself, your body is in shock, but you will recovery.
Hello Michele,
Sorry to hear about your situation. Your husband does not seem to be helping at all, which is sometimes more devastating than finding out. I remember being so mad because he had someone to talk to (OW) at a moment’s notice, and me, I am out here all alone!
All I will tell you is that is is time to focus on Michele, your husband is doing who knows what, and I know you are so hurt by this because he is not doing anything to repair the marriage. And if I were you, I would not do anything as well, because you will find yourself stressed trying to fix a marriage where one person is totally not engaged. Turn that energy within, consider personal therapy for yourself as you might need help processing and healing from such pain. I wish you well.
I know this is a man-hater site, but cheating is a two-way street. Considering the fact that women spend up to 5x as much time on FB than men, I’d say the number of women using FB as an “escape” or a cheat line is at least the same. I know my wife has & it’s caused a huge issue in our marriage.
Jimmy, we all know it’s a two-way street. Women have posted here that have done the cheating too. It’s not a “man-hater site” but more of a trying to figure out what now to do with the rest of our lifes after so much pain was intensionally brought on us. You you don’t like this site move on, simple as that.
Jimmy, Also this site is soooo much cheaper than therapy, how many therapist do you know that have been cheated on and are willing to talk about it?
Jimmy, you need to read more on this site before making such a statement. This is not a “man hating” site- it is just the opposite. We all love our husbands and in a perfect world would all like to save our marriages. Unfortunately, some husbands don’t want to do the work that is required to save a marriage after they have cheated, and this is a safe place to release the anger and sadness for many women. Like LisaP said, this site is more about healing and trying to deal with all the pain and agony associated with finding out that your husband has had an affair, and what to do next. We all know women cheat also, and there have been betrayed husbands that have joined the conversations also. This site has been a life-line for many women, myself included. The work that is done here is honorable and true. I think more research is due on your part before making such comments. I hope you and your wife are able to work through your problems without help from others, but always know we are here to help if you ever find the need. Peace and Blessings
Thanks ladies, sorry if I came across a little bitter, but the things that stood out to me were the comments about how stupid men are and do they really not think we know? Neither sex is a “superior” sex nor should it be. We’re all people and do stupid things at times. I’m not totally innocent in my relationship issues. I’ve battled pornography throughout my life & marriage. I’ve never paid for it or put my family in any financial distress over it, but I can see how it pulled me away from trying to become closer to my wife. It’s always been cyclic as we’d lose a connection, start fighting about dumb crap, she wouldn’t want to be with me and then I’d fall into the same routine. I’ve been wrong & have tried extremely hard over the past few years to be done with it. It is a huge time waster and has no place in my marriage no matter what she has said or done.
The reason I bring up the pornography issues is twofold. First, to show I’m not perfect, I have my faults & have contributed to our marriage issues & secondly, we create habits for ourselves that take us away from the daily grind. Both men & women. My wife has cheated on me physically, twice, that I know of, with an old boyfriend; the second time she got pregnant with his son and recently has been in this emotional affair with a different old boyfriend. She talks to both of them via FB email and I’m sure through her Yahoo email. She has given them both her telephone number and hides behind talking to the first guy as necessary because I finally forced her to tell my second son he wasn’t mine. That was a mess, but I’m glad it’s out. I have four boys, including him, raised him as my own, loved & provided him with everything he could need or want. He’s currently studying to be a surgeon & I am very proud to call him my son. Her reasoning for having the affair with this guy is that I didn’t pay enough attention to her. I wasn’t running around drinking, women chasing & the Internet was just starting when all this happened. I did have two jobs & was finishing my degree because all she ever wanted, was to be a stay home mom & take care of the kids. I was trying to provide that life for her and that’s the respect she gave me back. I took her back because she “didn’t love” him & I was in the Air Force 2500 miles from my first son. My choices were to let this tool bag raise my son that I only get to see 3 weeks out of the year or take her back & raise his. He NEVER tried to make contact with him until she finally told my son the truth. Then she used him as an excuse to keep in touch with the guy. Over the past few years, through FB, she reestablished contact with her second old boyfriend. Everyday she’d make cute comments or like his status or pictures; this in front of all our family. I asked her to unfriend him. She said no & that I was just being a bullying & jealous & there was nothing more than the open chats between them. Once again I wronged her & our marriage; I became jealous and upset, I began adding women I had no idea who they were, but the hotter the better. Then I’d start making cute comments on their pics, the sluttier the better. I never said anything more than she did, but as you could imagine, it caused a huge riff. I knew I was wrong, but I knew she knew she was too. I deleted my FB account & tried to let it go. Then I had to go TDY (temporary duty) to San Diego to a conference. The last day of the conference was going to be on our 21st anniversary. I decided I was going to cut it short & surprise her. I ordered her a dozen yellow roses over the phone, changed my flight & began my journey home. I was in Dallas waiting for my connecting flight when I checked my voice mail, I had one from my son telling me she was freaking out because I didn’t get her anything (the flowers didn’t get there until 7pm because they had to wait for the shipment) another one from her telling me how much an asshole I am & then a third telling me to ignore her first because she just got her flowers. She didn’t know I was coming home & I called from Dallas. She apologized about acting out, I accepted & told her I was trying to make it home before midnight so we could be together on our anniversary. I made it through the door at 11:55! Everything was great that night, she was in love with me & I couldn’t do anything wrong. A week later she had left herself logged on & her FB account up & open. I noticed a message from the second guy on the day of our anniversary. I clicked on it & they had been talking back & forth ALL DAY about how they still loved each other (he’s married & had been for 18 years), missed each other, wondered what if and rarely had a day go by when they didn’t think of each other. There was at least 12 messages back & for, two of which came after I called her from Dallas & she KNEW I WAS COMING HOME!!! On our anniversary. Really?!? After she cussed me out because I didn’t care about her?!?
FB has been nothing but a heartache & has shown me what I always knew but didn’t want to believe, she either truly doesn’t love me or has absolutely no respect for me as a person, a man, her husband or the father of her children. I grew up on foodstamps & government food, we lived in a small Podunk town & were High School sweathearts. I married her, took her away from all that crap & gave her the life she said she always wanted. I have my undergrad in Behavioral Science & a Masters in Business. I’ve worked my ass off my entire life & have provided well for her, she has never wanted for anything. I’ve never run around on her, done drugs, don’t drink & have always been involved in my kid’s lives. I’m not perfect but I know I’ve become a good man a great dad & have tried to be a good husband.
My endpoint to all this; women are stupid too. People are stupid. Marriage is give & take from both. If there is no true commitment to the marriage, other people, small things that really don’t matter, FB & 10,000 other things will always come between you & your spouse. Only one can’t be committed or devoted, it has to be both & both have to be all-in.
I’m sorry if I offended any one with my first comment. It gets tiresome to hear about the guys, when it’s both, all the time, in everything. Women crave love & men crave respect & neither are given if you’re not all-in. It takes a lot of hard work on both sides to have a chance. Last night she told me she wasn’t going to give him up as a FB friend and I needed to just deal with my jealousy. I’m also very sorry to all of you that have been hurt. I get it & I’m a man. Strange, huh?
Jimmy, thanks for the post. I now have a better understanding as to why you would think that way about a cheating husband site. While most of the people here are women, men also post from time to time, and are always welcome to join the conversation. It is true we do need to be reminded from time to time that there are many husbands out there hurting as well- and that they too have lived through hell in their marriages. I am sorry for your situation with your wife. It sounds like you both fell into the same hole of complacency, routine, and letting life get in the way that many of us here that have been in long term relationships (25 years for me)have found ourselves in. You also have a lifetime of experiences to sort through also- and that part can be extra hard. It is human nature to forgive but never forget- expecially when it is love we are talking about. I admire your honesty and willingness to admit your faults -many men have a hard time even believing that they have done anything wrong or have even played a part in the marriage problems- women too fall into this. It sounds to me that you have taken the high road in your marriage many times when things were tough- and have tried to keep it together during times of turmoil and chaos. You must really love her. I don’t have any personal experience with FB (don’t even have an account) too busy with life to have time for that, but many people here have had MAJOR problems with it. I think that FB and other people connection websites have offered those that are looking for something they think is missing in their lives an easy solution and a way to fill some empty places. While I am all for friendships with the opposite sex it takes special boundaries to keep those relationships healthy for everyone involved and not cause more issues than the friendships are worth. I also believe that when someone is putting that much effort into something that really is just a fantasy that they bulid up it up in their heads – it does become addictive – in reality it is an affair– that attention should be focused on those you have built your life with- not so called “friends” on FB- but so many don’t see it that way until the damage is already done. Long term realtionships are hard- they just are. We all marry so young- for me right out of college- and 20 or so years down the road- well– we all start to wonder “what if” the grass is greener on the otherside of the fence- many of us (you included) have never tempted fate to see if is- but still wonder- those that do cross that line-(your wife and my husband) often find that it is just a fantasy and what they really want is reality, but they have a hard time communicating that to their “real” partner in life. I don’t know your wife, but from your comments she seems to be searching for acceptance and attention on some level that she feels is missing. She still hasn’t found it, because she continues to look outside your relationship to find it- most women I know want that from our spouses -but don’t know how to get it. You are a very patient man might I add. I am not sure I would be able to stay in a marriage after so many heartbreaks. Have you ever tried therapy? I know that it has helped my husband, myself, and our marriage beyond anything we could have ever imagined. Your wife needs to find a way to find out the deeper meaning of why she displays such behavior, and you need to find a way to reach her on the level that she needs from you to feel whole, safe, and loved. This is hard for couples like us because there are so many bridges to cross -we have decades of past experiences together to explore and truly process. I know for me, my husbands affair has been the best thing that ever happened to our marriage other than our children of course. I haven’t always felt this way, but after A LOT of hard work with myself and my husband I can honestly say that it was the biggest wake-up call of our lives. If and when you are able to open up and really communicate, it can take your marriage to a place you didn’t even know possible. I know it sounds like a bunch of “hooey” but it is true. The level of communication is so deep, but this takes time- effort and constant attention by both parties- there is nothing EASY about it. The pay-off is a marriage that both of you have always wanted. You both love each other or you still wouldn’t be together, you both want something that you can’t or won’t express to one another, and you both are searching- sometimes outside the marriage to fill those needs. I know as a woman I put many of my own needs and desires on the back burner while I have been raising my kids, working, etc… Now, I don’t- and I NEVER expressed them to my husband. The affair has taught me that – I can’t put my needs aside, in reality some of my needs actually fill the needs of my husbands we just never talked openly about it- until now. When we all started out on this journey with our spouses so many years ago, we all had dreams and visions about what marriage was- that is different for men and women, but there was a connection that formed that bond. Today we all look back and say Oh what niave and silly kids we all were to beleive that marriage could be that way- and on some levels we were right, but on others it is there we just have to dig deep and be willing to put in the work to find it again. I hope that you and your wife are able to find a way to connect again, but just as Jewels tells the women here- it takes both parties to make a marriage work and it is twice as hard once infidelity has entered the marriage. Trust, honesty, and openness– are keys to making it work my friend- plus lots of talking, talking, and more talking
The fact that you were willing to put yourself out there on a site like this- tells me volumes about your desire to save this marriage. I will pray for you and your wife that you do find a way back to one another, and are able to re-connect on the level that both of you need. Don’t hesitate to ask your questions – you will get all kinds of female perspective I am sure, but also remember stay true to your heart. You are one of the good guys and you deserve to be happy. Peace and Blessings
Thank you all.
Hello Jimmy,
I know some men get the impression it’s a man-hater site. Just realize like yourself that when you see those comments, they are coming from women who are in deep pain. Anger is an expression of pain. I enjoy it when men come to the site. I would like more men to come to the site because hearing your perspective is wonderful and can give us insight into our own healing. Plus, like JB says, men have come to the site with their pain, and every time one does, it gives hope to hundreds of women that ‘wow’ there are good men, men get cheated on and hurt as well. I just created the site for women because I am one. I wish there was a site like this for men – I have talked to many men that have been cheated on, the pain is universal. I am glad you shared your story. JB wrote such a wonderful response, I will not touch it as far as you personal situation. I did literally felt the pain as you wrote how she was liking and flirting on another man’s FB page in front of family – yikes. And I hope your not offended by this, but I did chuckle when you wrote about how you would friend the hottest girls and write comments just to get back at her – I thought…oh boy. The greatest part about your story is your honesty and openness, willing to share your own faults, take care!
JB – Thanks.
Jewels – No offense taken at all. That was the point of that part of my post. To show how stupid we get when we get hurt. All logic & maturity goes out the window. I’ve turned into a guy I can’t stand so many times by letting my jealousy, pain, anger, loneliness and despair get the best of me. Then I get even more upset at her because if it was for her doing what she’s doing, I wouldn’t be acting this way. Of course, we are the only ones that can control our reactions & it is ALL my fault for acting that way. We don’t have control over our spouse, but we do have control over our actions & there has been MANY times I acted a fool & I always regret it. I had an emotional affair myself, a few years after her physical affair. I get it, at the time it was nice to have someone listen & care, but once I pulled myself away, I regretted it. Not just because of the time & attention it took away from my wife, but because it wasn’t the man I wanted to be. It wasn’t right for me to be all hurt & upset if I was going to be this piece of crap guy running getting comfort from another woman. I stopped, told my wife about it & did everything I could to make it right. This was over 12 years ago & she still throws it up in my face, I think more to justify why she keeps bringing other men into our marriage. It’s hard to do the right thing every time & I don’t. She battles Borderline Personality Disorder and most things are my fault, in her eyes, and she doesn’t see anything wrong with what she’s doing while she’s doing it. For 15 years following her affair she would tell me it was just as much my fault she cheated on me as it was hers & even when she told my sons about it, she hid behind, “I thought it was over between your dad & I”, even though we both agreed she’d come back to me in California & we’d go to counseling. I guess she found her own personnel counselor, just like she has on FB.
One of the biggest things that hurts me the most is she is such a different person around everyone else. She’s very controlling and hard to be around with me, but is the fun loving; easy going 17 year old she used to be around her boyfriends, friends and family. She tells me how much she loves to have sex, but it’s like pulling teeth for us to be together. Her family knows her flip-flopping & had to deal with all of her affair crap back home when she came back out to me. But people around us just see this awesome sweet wife, mom & woman. It’s just a huge façade & very tiresome. I’ve been back from Baghdad going on 3 years. I’ve had a lot of health issues and anxiety related problems, but she refuses to ease up & help me deal with them. She’s there every time I mess up to point it out & lets me know all my fault, but rarely admits her own. This FB thing is just another huge issue in a line of 100s.
I do love her very much, I love my boys with all my life & wish things were different between my wife & I, but I can’t make her see how the things she does hurts me, our marriage & our family. Please don’t get me wrong, she has a lot of great qualities. When she’s good, she’s great and is a wonderful mother, but without respect in the marriage & without mutually agreed on boundaries, any marriage will stumble & eventually fail.
Thank you all for your acceptance of me on this sight. It is nice to get a woman’s perspective on things as well as reassuring that I’m not nuts. If anyone would like a man’s perspective on things, let me know. I understand the pain, furstration & loneliness, but I promise, we’re all not that bad.
-Jimmy
Jimmy,
First, THANK YOU for your service to our country. So many of us that are not connected to the armed forces forget that soliders like yourself risk not only your physical health in war time, but also come home with emotional and mental scares that are huge hurdles to overcome. I am truly grateful for the sacrifices that you and your family have had to make for our freedom.
I am in awe of your strength and commitment to your marriage, your wife, and your boys. You are indeed a good man. We all know that marriage is never perfect, but also hope that our spouses are willing to work towards a common goal together. I admire your candid comments about your life- so many men would have a really hard time opening up to anyone- much less a group of women. Thank you! We do know that there are good guys out there, we all thought we married one- and we probably did — they just made some really bad choices along the way. We also know that we all make mistakes- that is just part of being human. We all want marriages that are based on mutual respect and honesty. It is nice to know that there are men out there fighting for the same thing. You are right, you can’t make your wife see what she has done is hurting you- only she can do that. As much as we all want our spouses to feel the pain, and realize how much it hurts– we can’t. I do hope that your wife will get the help that she needs to heal herself and discovers what she truly needs to make her feel good about herself and your life as a couple- it seems like from your comments there are many things she needs to deal with to be herself again- and she deserves that. I also hope that you are able to find the peace and support to heal from the trauma of war and are able to rebuild your marriage like you so desire. I am no expert by any means – but it seems like you may need some outside help to deal with all you guys have to overcome and sort through. I once saw a special on TV about PTSD and millitary families, I know they found help through couseling and intense group therapy- not sure what organization, but I am sure you could find out. Have you ever thought about something like that? I know you are searching and seeking help- or you wouldn’t be here- and I am glad you are. Hopefully someone here will have better feedback for you than me– But know I do care and am here to support you how ever I am able-You are not nuts, just stressed, hurt, and trying to do the right thing–affairs and all the other stuff you are having to deal with is overwhelming to say the least– keep going forward you will survive this- You and your family are in my prayers as you continue on this journey. Peace and Blessings
JB,
Thanks for the kind words, support & prayers. I’ve been tested twice for PTSD, but I don’t believe that is it. That area has been tested for toxins and has been found to be 24x worse than China. I did alot of running & working out outside. When I got back, I had sleeping (not nightmares) and anxiety issues. I wound up getting pneumonia twice of the next year (once in the summer), and being diagnosed with asthma & myashtenia gravis. I have no history of either in my family. The Air Force has sent me to several specialists & is currently in the process of medically retiring me. I can’t complain, it could’ve been a lot worse, but my tolerance for crap in my life is near zero, so having my wife consistently disrespect me with the FB guys and many other day-to-day things has broken me emotionally. That’s why I wound up moving out. There was no peace being around her, which made it more difficult to sleep, which made the anxiety worse as well as my tolerance so much lower. I have been to counseling & psych therapy & am getting better. I think the biggest help has been moving out and not filling trapped (she had a habit of following me around the house & not letting any argument go).
Anyway, I appreciate you guys running this site. You’re right, most guys just try to bury this stuff as there are no real outlets anywhere. We’re supposed to be tough & just deal, admitting being hurt like this is just being a sissy (which she’s called me several times).
Drop me a line if there’s anything I can ever help you with.
Take care & thanks again,
Jimmy
Oh my there are so many husbands who have been cheating on Facebook. I am currently wondering myself. There was a chick who commented on his photo that said awe your cute. so i said aint he tho? and she said i guess but personlity can change a man from hot to not in a sec. WTH she just posted your cute a month ago. Before i accessed his page and seen messages back and forth with this girl. She asked him if he wants to hang out and he says YES!!! gave her his number. I asked him what was htat about and he said it was nothing that we could all hang out. she is an old friend. so i believed him. but now im just suspicious
My case seems to be the exception. I found out my husband was having a “relationship” with an ex-girlfriend through facebook. She had friended my daughter and later on me. We didn’t know who she was but she claimed to have met my daughter during a trip. This past September she posted an old picture of my husband – taken while they were dating years ago – and tagged me. ?? I, of course, wondered what that was all about and went through pictures she had on her page. Low and behold, I found a very recent picture of my husband, taken in our home, posted on her page. That was my first clue. I confronted him about it and he – of course – denied knowing anything about her having a picture of him. I knew he was lying. It was a picture sent with a phone, of course he sent it to her. I let that go and continued on. Three months later she posted something on my son in law’s page and that did it for me. Long story short, they had been in touch for years, almost four, exchanging photos, videos, telephone calls. He claims to have seen her only twice, which of course means he has seen her many more times. Last month when I realized the extent of the relationship and the degree of his lying, I kicked him out. He’s back home now but that’s another subject all together. Had she not posted the photo and tagged me, I never would have known. I’m positive she wanted me to know. Seems like she was under the foolish deliusion that he would leave me to go to her. That was never going to happen. But for her foolishnesh, Lord only knows how much longer it would have gone on. I hate how I feel, how I am behaving, and the fact that he is still here. But I would hate breaking up our marriage over a low class woman even more. So we are working on it. It is not easy and I’m not sure that it is going to work but I will do the best I can. Like I told the Counselor, if I cannot trust him this will never work and right now I do not trust him.
I guess I should be grateful to FaceBook in my case.
Facebook destroyed my family. I used it to contact my overseas family and old work friends (females). He (hubby)asked me to open him an account so he could play online games, one by one he also added my friends whom he also knew from years back, nothing wrong there or so I thought. I have never ever had reason to believe he would ever cheat on me, together 20 years five children succesful business and a devoted wife!!!! One night he had fallen asleep leaving his page open, I came home jumped on the PC to catch up on my messages, there was an inbox so I opened it without even thinking. We have no secrets right? we know one anothers passwords right? WRONG he had changed his some months before I later found out. This opening of the inbox was the begining of a chain of events which almost crucified me. Disgusting messages from my oldest friend talking in graphic detail what she was going to do. !!!!! and how she behaves when shes alone thinking about me?????? At first I had no idea what the hell was going on. Thinking it was my FB and this inbox was intended for me as this was my oldest friend but in twenty seconds of reading and re-reading the penny dropped. This was intended for my husband. It was his FB left open. With my heart almost beating through my chest wall I continued reading and there were several msgs to one another going back several weeks. They had been meeting up booking into motels having the most amazing -superb – never better – filthy – kinky (it was all detailed) sex which made me literally vomit. I lay on the bathroom floor sobbing for ages, the last time they had a rendezvous I had been chatting online to her that morning!!!!!! he came home that night from his ‘business meeting’ and we had a beautiful intimate sensual evening together!!!!!! Inside i was screaming wildly at his sick sick behaviour and her terrible disgusting deceipt. I had to do something, firstly I changed his FB password and logged out. I then messaged her and RAGED about how much I hated her and she was disgusting. I also threatened her with physical harm and that I was going to drive seven hours through the night to come and see her poor unfortunate husband and show him the msgs I had printed off. Why should I be the only one suffering. Then I cleaned out our joint bank account packed him a suitcase woke him up and threw his car keys at him. It was by now around dawn I told him to be gone by the time our children got up I told him how much I hated him and her and that he made me ill being in the same house as him. He moved into a motel with his tail between his legs and this is how we continued for three months or so. I never told a soul. I wrote a few msgs to her mainly empty threats when it was the wee small hours and I was all alone missing him desperately. During the course of our estrangement he received maybe half a dozen messages from other women we both knew – he had been slutting around all of them behind my back (at least 4 that i have proved) I answered them all as myself and told them all they werent the only ones he had strung along. I deleted and blocked them all I closed his FB and I have moved away. I have moved at least 700 KMs away leaving my home my surroundings and my job I am just so bewildered why he did this
Well, something like that happened to me, my husband had susch and so friend which i asked to remove and he did!
And at the beggining of this week , i found a secret message of a girl saying let’s pretend you don’t know me and don’t see my message .I know i found it and almost die. Then another drunk girl wishing him all the best this year, and asking him to keep in touch.
What i have plenty of friends on my fb, but they see my pictures and i stated i’m married, most of my friends are from school in a foreign country, when i came from, but everybody talks to me with respect.
I had found all exes and requested my friendship by i blocked them. Why because i’m marry and respect my husband and kids.
So, i talked to him about this and he denied everything until i show him the e-mails because i saved them, and then he said o.k. i will delete my account and he did!
This is a good way to have contact with old friends, but just like that, state that we are marry, do not accept friendship from people that we know are going to bring “TROUBLE” to our lives!
Well, i already told my husband that if i find out another thing like that i don’t want him in my life, because the way i respect him and love him, i deserve respect too!
Blessings to all, and don’t let technology destroy your lives, just enjoy life, because we never know when are we going to leave!
And if you decide to keep your fb, ask your partner to have the p.w. and viceversa!
I discovered my husbands affair on my own and confronted him. He finally came clean and I requested that he defriend her on facebook and he refuses saying that she will go around saying that his wife told him to do it and she would win???? What should I do? We are seeing a marriage counselor but this affair is not over.
Confused - That does not feel right. You caught him and he can not unfriend her? The marriage should be more important than a ‘friend’. If he wants to work things out, he has go to let it go and not care what anyone thinks but you. I hope the counselor is able to help on this subject because he is too worried about her and what people will say.
bewildered, So you lost your husband and your oldest friend, crushing. Those messages are truly traumatic, I hope you are in a position to get therapy, because you have been through alot. You will never be satisfied with the why he tells you. It can drive you crazy trying to figure it out, he was just selfish, and so was your oldest friend. I hope you are in a position to start your healing process, I know it’s tough right now, I hope the best for you!
Mrs. Wise – Thanks for the advice. I agree, friending ex’s just breeds trouble. The thing is people think they can handle it, but unfortunately you do not know the other person’s intentions of friending you, and thinks can turn ugly fast. I agree, if you are marriage you should have nothing to hide, including facebook accounts.