I would like to share with you a secret that I have discovered over the years about cheating husbands. Once they get caught cheating, they know that they have done wrong, they know that what they did is not fair —- but most importantly, they know your fears. They know that you are fearful of the financial ramifications of leaving. They know you do not want your friends or family knowing that he cheating. They know that you do not want the kids to be impacted by divorce. They secretly know this and unfortunately sometimes use it to their advantage. They know that you really do not want to leave the lifestyle, and if it means the world to you, they know you won’t leave.
My ex-husband knew that if I left him, it would be a financial disaster. He knew my worst fear was filing bankruptcy and not having money. He knew I did not want my friends and family to know that he cheated. He knew it would devastate me to raise the kids alone. Did he ever say this? No, but he knew. And because of this, he didn’t work as hard, because he did not think I was going anywhere. It took me a long time to get over my fears of raising the kids alone, my fears of financial disaster, and my fear of telling people. But I did, and I eventually left, and he was surprised! Did not think I would do it.
Looking back, I think it is important to have a conversation with your husband after the affair around fears previously expressed. You do not want your husband to be in a position where he feels your fears of leaving will keep you there no matter what. Let him know that despite your fears, you do have a choice, and that choice does include leaving. Even if you are not ready to leave, he should know that you will exercise your right to leave and that you are in a position to deal with the ramifications.
If your husband cheated, he should be working hard to save the marriage, and sometimes you have to let him know through actions and words that you seriously will leave if you continue to be disrespected.