After the Divorce – Validation

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Hi Ladies, today I would like to showcase an article by Mel Daniels, enjoy 🙂

Going through a divorce is fairly traumatic at the best of times. If your
husband has been unfaithful to you, that process can be devastating. One of
the emotions which commonly afflict women who have been cheated on is a
sense of worthlessness. Rather than feeling themselves betrayed, and seeing
their ex-husbands as the perpetrator of his own actions, they start to
think that they drove their husbands into the arms of another. It’s a
mindset which has afflicted some fairly prominent people [1], and it leads
to some incredibly poor decisions when it comes to new relationships. A new
relationship may make a woman whose self-esteem has suffered due to
extra-marital infidelity want a new partner right away to cover that wound.
Their new lover may make them feel validated. If the new partner believes a
woman to be sexy and worthy, then she takes their feeling and transplants
it into herself.

Unfortunately, if these feelings do not come from the heart, and you’re
relying on someone else’s opinion of you to make you feel worthwhile,
you’re fast-tracking the road to an unhealthy dependency. Many recent
divorcees are very prone indeed to rushing into new relationships, and
often try to ‘seal the deal’ far more quickly than is right for that
particular relationship. In most cases it is best to wait at least until
the euphoric ‘honeymoon stage’ is over before making any big decisions.

*Healing Love*

Nobody is denying that love can be an incredibly powerful force. It can be
redemptive and transformative and generally wonderful. However, it is only
those things if it inspires people to make changes from within, to love
themselves rather than simply relying on being loved. For troubled
individuals, new partners are often seen as a source of all the self-love
and personal validation which they themselves are lacking. It’s wrong to
mistake the intoxication of a new relationship for significant and
meaningful personal change. A new partner certainly can help you to work
through your issues and achieve a deeper peace and happiness – but they
can’t do it all by themselves. A good case study to illustrate this point
is that of recovering substance abusers in new relationships. Such people
are seriously prone to [2] rushing new relationships along, trying to seal
their new partner into something long-lasting too quickly. They do this
because they are basically replacing the intoxicating effects of their vice
with the intoxicating effects of new love. Rather than dealing with their
deeper issues, they are plastering over them with a replacement. In just
the same way, women who are suffering from the issues of a past
relationship may try to replace their own feelings of self-compassion with
the feelings of another, and try to pin down the validating individual
before either party is really ready. This is deadly – relationships which
are rushed almost never work out [3]

*Natural Development*

It can, of course, be difficult to know when you’re rushing something. New
love can temporarily remove rationality. When you’re in the first stages of
a new relationship it is very likely that your brain will be flooded [4]
with a tidal wave of neurotransmitters and hormones which make you feel
amazing. They’ll bond you with your partner and inspire the kind of loyalty
[5] from your new man that many women who have been cheated on crave.
Unfortunately, they also mess with your sense of reason. They cause you to
obsess over your newfound love, to do crazy things, to make it seem as
though there’s nothing in the world but the two of you. During this stage,
it can be difficult to know how fast is too fast, as everything seems just
so right. It’s important to be communicative during this stage, keep
telling each other how you feel and who you are. It can be easy to mistake
someone’s naturally affectionate nature for a cue to move forward in the
relationship, and vice versa. So long as you’re both on the same page then
there’s little danger of pushing anyone into territory that they may not be
ready to visit yet. It’s certainly worth waiting until the euphoric initial
stage is over because it’s followed by an often confusing time which can
make or break a relationship. When the hormones start to die down, you have
a chance to assess each other and your situation more rationally. If you’ve
moved at an appropriate place during the first stage, this second stage can
be a time of getting to know each other better, and developing that deeper,
redemptive love that most people crave. However, if you’ve moved too fast
then one or both of you may find yourself panicking at being in too close a
proximity too soon. Cracks and frustrations can emerge in a relationship
which may have been very promising if left to develop at its own pace. It
is very important, therefore, to never put a timescale of development on
any relationship. Let it evolve naturally, and make sure to develop
yourself from the inside out rather than relying on outside validation.

[1] Linda Kelsey, “It’s never the wife’s fault when her husband cheats”

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/11343515/Extra-marital-affairs-Its-never-the-wifes-fault.html

The Telegraph, Jan 2015

[2] Rita Milios, “Romance In Recovery: Are You Rushing Your Relationship?”
http://www.recovery.org/pro/articles/romance-in-recovery-are-you-rushing-your-relationship

Recovery.org, Mar 2015

[3] Alyssa Pracz, “Rushed relationships usually don’t work out”,
http://northernstar.info/opinion/columnists/rushed-relationships-usually-don-t-work-out/article_afad87e2-0a7d-11e1-a719-001a4bcf6878 Northern
Star, Nov 2011

[4] BBC Science, “The Science of Love”
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/hottopics/love/

BBC

[5] Lindsay Abrams, “Study: Oxytocin (‘the Love Hormone’) Makes Men in
Relationships Want to Stay Away From Other Women”

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/11/study-oxytocin-the-love-hormone-makes-men-in-relationships-want-to-stay-away-from-other-women/265314/

  • Crystal May 1, 2016, 5:07 PM

    I feel like a fool to trust as I did… He tricked me… Had a girlfriend or three and pretended he wasn’t married… I’m just hurt but not sure how to move forward…

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