After the Affair – YOU Have To Fight For YOU

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After the Affair – YOU Have To Fight For YOU post image

Photo courtesy of Jennifer https://www.flickr.com/photos/sweetonveg/

Your husband had an affair, and you were devastated. Months later, you still feel miserable. You’re lonely, lost, and you don’t feel like yourself anymore.

Welcome to life after the affair. This is a stage that almost every woman goes through, so do not feel alone.

The most important thing for you to do now is to know that you have a FIGHT to prepare for. This is the fight of your life—the fight to get YOU back. After infidelity within the marriage, you may question your personal values, your religion, and how you perceive the world and everyone around you. That is very normal considering how destabilizing a cheating husband can be.

In order for YOU get feel good again, you have to FIGHT through the negativity with affirmations. You have to FIGHT through the indecision to make a decision.

Getting your sanity back takes effort, it takes time, and most importantly, it takes belief in yourself and patience to get through this. No, it is not easy but you are the most important asset you have, you are worth the fight.

  • Karen July 12, 2011, 1:10 PM

    but how do i start to fight for me? i feel so lost. i just want to go on with my life but i dont know how to start. me and my husband are trying to work things out and so far it seems things are going ok. its only been 3 weeks since i found out. maybe im wanting things to go faster than they are. i just want it all to go away. i want ME back. but i dont know where to start. anything i do for me just seems empty. like im doing things or going places but only my body is there. ive lost where i am.

    • Jewels July 12, 2011, 11:35 PM

      Hello Karen,
      You are in the devastation period, where most women feel nothing but hurt. I was in that stage, numb as well, I had to force myself to eat. Enjoying anything, even eating, didn’t feel right. You are correct that this is a process, and it’s not as fast as with anything else we typically experience, because the pain is so deep. Everyone is different in how long they stay in this stage, it is not common for women to feel numb for the first 1-3 months following the affair. The key with you is to keep doing things for you, even if it feels empty now, eventually it wont. There is nothing that I can say that will magically take the pain away that you feel right now, but trust me when I say that you will come out of the experience stronger and wiser than ever before. Say that to yourself everyday, even if you don’t feel that way, and slowly but surely, as each day goes by, you will gain more and more strength. Take Care.

  • SANDRA July 27, 2011, 3:30 PM

    I’m in the same position Karen is in how do you get to that point.I’m not a person that drink but I find myself taking a couple drinks, but it doesn’t help. I know I need to love myself more than I love him, but where do you start…..

    • Jewels July 28, 2011, 4:29 AM

      Hello Sandra,

      I think it starts with a couple of things. First is just a simply evaluation, are any of your activities exclusively for your benefit, or is everything you do for the kids/husband etc.? It is critically important to do things exclusively for you, that is how you start to train your brain that your needs are important.

      Have you decided to stay or leave the marriage? If you haven’t decided, then it’s hard to fight for YOU because your mind will be consumed with feeling trapped, unsure, confused, uncertain. Once you decide, you give yourself more room for YOU.

      Also affirmations helped me. They are little phrases that I tell myself to help fight all those negative emotions, it’s literally a fight , the positive vs negative emotions, and if you have any positive phrases to help you overcome the negative ones, they will take over. Below is an affirmation that you can start saying to yourself a couple of times a day that might help. “How I feel is important, and I love myself enough to focus on those things that bring me joy, and focus less on those things that cause me pain. If you say that enough times, it will start to shift your focus away from the negative thoughts and situations. Best of luck to you! ((You are right, the drinking doesn’t work, after the hangover, those heavy emotions are still there)).

  • Karen July 28, 2011, 7:28 AM

    this is now feeling like a roller coaster ride i cant get off of. one day im positive, thinking logical. feeling everything is going ok and not so bad. then a negative thing will pop in my head and i cry. then maybe the next day im angry and i tell him off.i go days with no sleep because thoughts wont leave my head. and what i really hate is i cant go one single day without thinking of him cheating on me. and there is the self esteem. i try acting happy, and sweet, and understanding, i try to dress better, change my hair style etc. then i think “what the heck am i doing all this for?” its like im trying to win him back or something (which by the way, we are working it out) seems it should be him trying to win me back. i have to say though, he has been supportive. letting me vent and tell him off. holding me when i cry, talking to me more, going to counciling etc. one think i can say though, you are right. at first i felt like its not fair , i told him before he cheated that our marriage needed work, i told him so many things, so many red flags, but like he said “it took God throwing a brick at his head” for him to listen. well that brick ( him cheating and getting caught) may have taught him something but im the one that ended up with all the pain, i felt i walked away with nothing but pain. well last night i realized, im a much stronger person than i had ever thought. and when i stopped speaking up about the things he was doing that was harming our marriage (before he cheated) i had the right as his wife to speak up, it was not controling as i had thought. it was demanding respect as a person. and for now on i will speak up. i will have boundaries and they best not be crossed ever again. i have every right as his wife to tell him not to speak to curtain women, not to lie, not to neglect me any more. i refused to ever be treated with disrespect again. so see i did get some good out of this tragic mess after all. i just wish i can get off this roller coaster now . or at least have it slow down some. for despite all im learning, i spent another 24 hours so far of no sleep due to all the thoughts of him cheating.

    • Jewels July 29, 2011, 2:38 AM

      Go Karen!!! It literally seemed that you were getting stronger and stronger as you were writing your last post!!

      I know you are feeling you can’t get the thoughts out of your head because it’s consuming you. What you really have to do is think about why? There is something that is happening between the both of you that is causing some extreme triggers for you (see the section of the site on triggers). I know you mentioned some intimacy concerns, maybe that is serving as a constant reminder of a gap in the marriage, thus causing you to think about the cheating all the time. If you are able to do this, think about taking a day away from your husband, away from the house, and go out and do something for you. It might be as simply as going to take a walk in the park, walking in the mall, something refreshing and relaxing to you, where you can have some peaceful time to yourself. Something to get you out of the house, in a setting relaxing enough for you to think. You need to think about what about his cheating is consuming you. Is it that you think he is still cheating? Is it that you are still angry at him? Is it the sex? Something is in conflict with what you are thinking and your current reality when it comes to the affair, and with some relaxed time alone (not in the house, it’s too much of a reminder) the core of why you are consumed with the cheating might come to light.

      Lastly, I know you mentioned you started to dress nice, act happy, change your hair, and then thought ‘why am I doing this, he cheated’. Just to clarify, the getting dressed, looking nice has nothing to do with courting him, and everything to do with courting yourself. By doing those things, you are telling yourself and your brain, I am important, I deserve to look good for me, doesn’t matter if you stay with your husband or not. The reason why we do things in life has utter importance, so next time you put that lovely dress on, do it because you like the dress and you know you look good in it – if your husband happens to see you in it, lucky for him. If he doesn’t see you in it, doesn’t matter, putting on that dress was for your benefit!! Take Care Karen!!

  • Karen July 29, 2011, 10:31 AM

    thank you for your responds jewels. i went to the therapist today and talked about what bothers me most is my husbands lying to me through our whole marriage. about emailing an old girlfriend from way back in highschool. to his drinking, and they things he said and did to women online game of secondlife. therapist said my husband will have to work on the underlying cause of his lying and also why he always looks for other women to talk to, that he seems he is there to create a fantasy fory himself, and if he cant dig deep and find the sorce of his problems, then it will not go away. he has to look back and figure out why he did what he did. and as for me, i need to stop over analizing things so much. ive done this for so many years. i need to read a book or something to keep my mind busy so my thoughts dont go over board to parinoia where i get way to obbsessed about the whole thing. i cant figure out my husband, its up to him and with the therapist to work on that. your very right, i do need to fix myself up and do it for me. make myself feel good about me again. i love reading the posts on this site, it has really helped alot. and its so sweet of you to try and answer every post we put out. its as if your our own therapist as well lol. oh and btw, the therpaist said if my marriage is to really work and get repaired it is important for my husband to look deeper into his issues or they will only repeat themselves if not the same , then in other ways.

  • Leslie September 2, 2011, 8:09 PM

    I am now 1 year post affair this month and I am still dealing with all the feelings. In addition to the cheating, my husband had open heart surgery in May and I found myself once again having to put aside my feelings to care for him…he was really good and seemed to have really changed for the better up until about a month ago when I found out he had lied to me again and had smoked some pot…yes he has had issues with drug use as well. I told him to leave that I was going to file for legal separation…he left for a week and I couldn’t stop crying…it was all I could do to get thru work each day, not to mention caring for 2 teenagers trying to deal with all this. I missed him terribly and he wanted to come home so I let him. I have set the boundary that I absolutely cannot tolerate any more dishonesty…but now that he is back, I really don’t know if I have made the right decision…I thought I was saving my family but the kids are confused and stressed out by all this and I don’t feel he is behaving the right way to me….not that I want him groveling at my feet, but I still don’t feel like he is acting like someone who wants to save this relationship no matter what….i am so confused, feel like i am going crazy….

    • Jewels September 4, 2011, 4:28 PM

      Hello Leslie,

      From your post, you seem to be putting alot of energy towards everyone else, but yourself. Your emotions are most important because if you don’t like the way you feel, you can be that mom to your teenagers, that wife to your husband, ect. So where you do start? You really have to come one with your emotions and ask yourself tough questions. Make time to be alone, outside of the house. Ask yourself how you felt when he was away. What specifically did you miss, why were you crying. How do you feel now, why do you feel that way. You have to really make it a priority to dig into your emotions and get at the heart of what is bothering. Once you get at the center of it (and of course it could be several things) then you have the power to improve it. I think at this time you are dealing with so many emotions at the surface level which is what is causing you problems. Sometimes a therapist can help you get to the root of your emotions as well. For instance, maybe you have anger because you feel that he should be stepping up and aiding the recovery. If that is a strong emotion for you, and a reason for your pain, then figure out what specifically you want him to do, and ask him to do it. If he doesn’t do it, that is ok. You can not make anyone do anything, but at least you are starting to sort out mentally what is bothering you – that is powerful. I know for me personally, I dealt with many emotions, and one of the hardest was accepting that I can’t make my husband do what I think he should do. I could not stand the lying either, and when I caught him in one after the affair, I would get so depressed, how could he continue to hurt me this way, why would he feel he has to lie to me? It was very hard. But once I realized that was what was bothering me – I had to come to terms with reality, which was I can not force anyone to tell the truth. I cried for days but eventually I realized something more important. I realized that yes, I could not change him, but what that meant was, he can not change me. I can choose to allow him to get me angry, or focus on something else. He can not make me focus on him and his lies. And once I came to that truth, I started to focus my attention elsewhere and things started to change.
      **Lastly, your teenagers are confused because you are, once you mentally decide to either stay or leave the marriage, things will start to clear up for the family. They are projecting how you are feeling – and do not feel bad for that. Our kids (especially teens) need to understand that life is not always perfect, that there will be up’s and down’s. Imagine if they never experienced real life?? The moment something happens to them when they are older they will be all out of sort’s! What is important in your confusion is not where you are now, it is how YOU come out of this experience. You can be in the state that you are in now, and next year, be in a much better place. You kids will remember how you went from confused to empowered and that is what you hold on to – because you will be teaching them a great lesson through your actions.

      You will get through this.

  • Leslie September 5, 2011, 7:23 AM

    Jewels, thanks so much for your reply. Everything you said is exactly what I am feeling. The fact that he would continue to do these things that hurt me,the lies, the porn viewing, the drug use, after I expressed to him that they hurt me, is what I have had the hardest time dealing with. He continues to minimize these things like I am making a big deal over nothing. He is so in denial and He is refusing to change and I am refusing to settle that this is as good as it gets. We have decided that its best for him to leave the house. We live on family land, his family is all around us. He is going down the hill to his moms. He says he knows i love him and he has made it clear to everyone that this isn’t my fault. Yet, he refuses counseling, refuses to stop hanging around with his drug using friends and continues to view porn on the internet. (I have since locked him out of my computer). I do still love him, probably always will because I want him to be healed from all this, but if I don’t start taking care of me I will end up in the psyche ward! I want ME back, the strong me, the me who wasn’t afraid of anyone or anything, the confident ME that I was before he took it all away….your thoughts and experiences are helping me so much…thanks and I will keep in touch…

    • Jewels September 5, 2011, 9:52 PM

      Leslie,

      You very welcome! Keep in touch!

  • Kathy September 13, 2011, 10:55 PM

    Jewels
    It has been since April that I found out of my husbands 3 yr affair. The affair is over and she is out of the picture and I am not so emotinally unstable now. But, of course, the subject is always on my mind and in my heart that this happened. We are getting long and maybe too well. To those that don’t know of this marrital issue they wouldn’t know it even happened. That is what bothers me. It is almost like it never happened, but it did. The fact that he can go on being “good” now like he was prior to the affair and then during the affair bothers me. How am I to know if and when he does again? He of course says he will never do, and has said he is sorry countless times, but that is really meaningless to me. Because he said vows 26 yrs ago to me, threw them away, and now says basically “vows” again. Meaningless. How am I to REALLY trust him? I feel like I am searching for something and don’t know what. I am in limbo. Do I love him? Yes. But, I will always be angry with him over this. It defines my marriage for me. It told me things I didn’t realize or know about him before and I don’t like those things. I hate those things. Financially, I am secure whether we are together or not so it isn’t money why I am continuing to try. My kids know of this affair and they are all adults now… so it isn’t that. I am not afraid to be alone, I am a pretty independent woman so why am I staying I ask myself at times when I still hurt very much…I just don’t cry so often now. I don’t trust him like I once did. I am angry with him, yet I am supportive and helpful and continue to do for him like I always have. You would think this never happened. But gosh I hurt. I hurt all the time and I am angry often. I have my days to myself as he is at work and my last two kids home are at school or off at work or sports. I have alot of alone time… I think and dwell on this affair and how much it has changed things. Sometimes I just want to run away and take a vacation alone. But running solves nothing. I have all the time alone to think right here but it just hurts. I love him but I question why I am here. He hurt me real bad and I didn’t deserve it. I’m just unhappy now. I don’t know if I will ever he happy again…not while being married and living with him knowing what he has done. It forever changes things. He says he wishes he didn’t do just like I have told him I wish it never happened. But alas, it did and I know and it can’t be undone. I don’t know how to be happy with him anymore. When we are together with friends and/or the kids its smiles and laughter like always but it isn’t real. Inside it isn’t like it once was… it isn’t trust and carefree anymore. It is just hurt and anger with me putting my best foot forward and trying to be happy. It is an effort.

    • Jewels September 15, 2011, 6:02 PM

      Hello Kathy (sorry about the incorrect name),

      At first glance at the response, I know exactly what you mean by saying you both continue on as if nothing happened. And it may appear that nothing changed, but you are so right in two comments. The marriage will not be the same again, for the simple fact that the foundational glue of the marriage was shattered, which is trust. It can be built back up, but not in the same way as it was before. The second thing is that your emotions and feelings from the marriage and you have changed. That should not be downplayed. It is almost as if everything is wonderful except how you feel – BUT how you feel is important. It is not fair for you to live like this, feeling this way. Not advising you to leave at all, but I just want you to know that how you feel is very important and should be a huge part of the marriage, that should be a priority and maybe your husband can help you through those emotions, make it a priority. Take Care.

  • denise September 14, 2011, 9:13 AM

    I feel exactly that way too. Have been married for over 26 years and mine had a 2 year affair, 2months was actually being with each other the rest of the time was obssesive phone calling for the 2 years and I can’t get past the idea of two years to figure out that this isn’t doing anyone any good and yet keep doing it . I hurt everyday and wonder if I even do love him or am I just so hurt. It has been 10 months since this affair was revealed but feels like yesterday!!

    • Jewels September 15, 2011, 5:26 PM

      Hello Denise,

      Sorry to hear you are in so much pain. I feel that you need to really get to the bottom of why you are in as much pain as you are in. In simple terms, you can say you are in pain because of 2 years of betrayal. But until you go deeper within yourself to understand the pain, you will continue to live in it and I refuse to accept that for you!! What has he done in the past 10 months to restore the trust? If he hasn’t done too much, this could be causing you pain. 2 years is deep, and unfortunately, sometimes, even looking at your husband can be a huge reminder of the affair. I think therapy will help you to unlock those emotions that are tied up keeping you ‘emotional prison’, which you have been in for a while. I wish you the best in your journey.

  • Mindi September 28, 2011, 11:24 AM

    It has been almost 6 months since I found out about my husbands affair with his ex wife and mother of his children, It has been a rollar coaster of emotions, we did try to reconcile, after I ended up having emergency surgery, but I realized all I have been doing is pushing the pain and the reality under the rug, It has almost destroyed who I am, and has damaged my soul, I had to get on medication just so I could get through the day, there is no excuse for infidelity, it is the most selfish and hurtful act one can do to there partner, I have just realized the key to living and healing is all about ME, its about getting my life back, and doing all the things that I love to do, I will no Longer be on the back burner, I will heal my soul, and become a better person as a result of this. I will no longer take ANY blame for what has happened, I have filed for a divorce, and I feel a sense of peace, I dont have to worry all day what hes doing or if there still talking, I have not forgiven him, and never will, but I will move on with my wonderful life, I believe that some people just cannot forgive and reconcile, Im finding Iam one of those people, my biggest goal in this journey is not to be bitter or hateful, I know I have a long way to go, but I have made it this far, I will survive.

    • Jewels September 28, 2011, 10:54 PM

      Hello Mindi, welcome back :)

      I really love the confidence and conviction in putting yourself first, your life is going to turn around in such incredible ways, I am happy for you. Like you, the pain was so severe it started impacting my health, and that is when I realized HE is not worth it, and I feel that I was in such bad health because I was putting all the attention on him and the affair, all this unnecessary pressure on myself trying to make things work, and totally neglected myself and my health along the way. I had to let go and haven’t looked back sense.

      You just entered another phase of your journey, which is where the peace is coming from, once you make that decision either way to stay or leave the marriage, it’s like a ton of bricks are lifted off of your shoulders, it is a huge moment in your recovery and you should be proud that you made it this far, can’t wait to hear the next update in your journey, take care!!

  • Daisy September 28, 2011, 1:40 PM

    I’m sorry mindi..very sorry. There are no excuses. I’m going through the same thing. I warned him about losing my trust, I’m not a forgiving person…he didn’t think I had it in me. I don’t care about little things in life. This is like the ultimate betrayal. I just want to be happy again…his problems are his problems…he chose that path. And why should i suffer for his mistakes? Hell no.

    The stories and the encouragement you get from Jewels is incredible! Keep reading and your thoughts will be solidified.

  • Kathy September 28, 2011, 4:16 PM

    Jewels : My husband will not help me through these emotions. I have asked. He is silent. I have even told him it is as if he doesn’t care because he is so unemotional about my feelings and hurt which is obviously out there.. he has been around many of times I have broken down. Be he says he keeps his emotions inside and doesn’t show them. Well, I would think after all he has done and put me through if it will help me to see he cares he sure should show it now and let me see how sorry and upset over what hurt he has caused. But no, he remains this normal, silent and quiet man. Showing me nothing. I have not seen shame, regret, hurt.. nothing from him. NOTHING. That may be even what keeps me in this hole I am in. Who knows. But on top of all I feel from what has happened seeing him so “normal” makes me feel like it was nothing to him and I just need to “get over”. He acts normal and wants the “normal” me back. I do recall a time he was teary eyed when I first found out and asked him point blank if it was true and if he loved her and his answer to both was yes. That is the only time I will admit I saw emotion and that was long ago in April. Since then I have seen him be quiet and alone in the dark in a room in what seems like depression maybe 3 times after we had words. I found out recently more lies. Things he answered me untruthfully about their affair and when I did find out he lied in his answers I was livid seeing that even months after the affair while trying to understand and remain together in our home he still holds back and lies to me. I was telling him I am getting a divorce and that I was done. He went flush and depressed again and felt defeated. Says he doesn’t tell me everything because he knows my reaction and is sparing me more hurt. I told him good or bad I want truths. Truths coming from him are much better than coming from her. I also found out at that same time he has communicated and seen her in person. She showed up somewhere she knew he would be wanting his help and he said no. So then communication started online asking for the help and when he refused more she then sent me letters and pictures of him with her children on property of ours. I had asked him about spending time on our property together or with her children when I found out of the affair and he stated no back then. So you see, I was livid that I find more truths out from her than I do him. He is the one I am supposed to trust. I want nothing to do with her and I want him to have nothing to do with her. If asking for favors and showing up somewhere was so innocent and of her doing then why not tell me about. What is there to hide. I may abe upset with her doing so, but how can I blame him. But it ends up I do now because he wasn’t forthcoming and I had to find out through her about things again.. just like I did the affair to begin with. I found out from her. He just doesn’t get it. I am angry and hurt because I feel he should be so lucky that I am even here giving him a chance and all he does is cause me more hurt in return. More secrets, more lies and deceit. He is gone on a trip for a couple days and you know what I am thinking… who is he gonna be with now. I know I sound pathetic.. I am just angry. I want to think you for giving me a place to vent. I really have no where to turn.

    • Jewels September 28, 2011, 11:50 PM

      Hello Kathy,

      You are not pathetic, what you are writing is so very normal. Out of all the women I interact with, the majority unfortunately have husbands that act like this after the affair – continue to lie, and don’t act remorseful – including my husband. The day after I found out, I was so devastated I could go to work and had to force myself to eat because I was pregnant. That morning, he went biking with his buddy. I was so angry – I am sitting here about to fall about and you go biking like nothing happened? But that is what they do. My husband continued to lie about things, and each lie that you find out cuts like a knife in the beginning, each time you find out he is still interacting with her is so painful, they have no clue, but many men who cheat do this after the affair.

      I say this to you because I feel you are taking his reaction very personal, and I am hear to tell you it is ok, do not blame yourself for him reaction. I begged my husband to tell me details about the affair because I didn’t want to find out from her. He didn’t, she ended up contacting me later and hurting me all over again, if he would of just told me from the beginning, it would of been better.

      Anyways Kathy what I realized is that I can not force my husband to tell the truth, I can’t force him to not contact her. I have to see the situation for what it is, and if I don’t like what I see, instead of focusing on making him be truthful, I have to focus on what I need to do to feel better – period. So if that meant not talking to him for the day, I would be very short with him and not talk to him. If that meant spending time alone so that I could figure out if I want to stay in this marriage, then that is what I did. if that meant just being still, and seeing what he is going to do, versus me typically taking steps, then that is what I did. I turned the focus off of him because clearly I was not going to change him, and put the focus on me, because I can choose what I focus on, and thus change the direction of my life. I wish you well, reach out anytime to vent, take care.

  • sheryl March 5, 2012, 8:49 PM

    Hi jewels

    I am struggling so much!! He had an affair and he wont admit it. He came home with make up on his skin…sparkles and all! His aunt saw him with her at taco time parked…and I was at home taking care of his mother who just had a knee replacement at that time. I had only 4 hrs sleep that day. Instead of thinking of me and how much work I have done for his family…he takes advantage of his mother tying me up while he is out having sex with her!! Wen he came home…he walked in with a taco time cup. He acted all distant and mad..for nothing. Then I took the truck and jumped in…at that moment I smelled strong perfume and saw a receipt with the cost of two people. Then I saw a cup with lip gloss on the straw!! Yet he denies that he didnt know where that cup came from. Then a week later I found a perfume bottle which was the same exact smell in the truck. He lies! He lies! He lies! I am so hurt and so consumed with this affair that he denies. I am hurt! I hate that he did it. I hate that its his assistant and I hate that she still works with him everyday!! Still he comes home with a sparkle here and there. I feel like he don’t care and I feel like he has no guilt for anything hes done. Now its two years later since she’s worked for him and I found out about his affair last January. Now its march and im still hurt everyday. I had to go on medication for depression and …..its everything!! Everything. I am having trouble fighting for myself and my life I once had. I am numb some days and other days I am lost..angry..confused..betrayed..sad..and now I can hardly cook dinner. I need help…..I do. Thank you all so much…

  • anonymous March 19, 2012, 7:53 PM

    Its been almost 2 years since my man cheated on me.. at that time i couldn’t cope with it so i dismissed it as just a suspicion (he had an almost undistinctive hiky on the throat)
    i chose to play the fool and think that it didn’t happen and believe him and forget.
    After two years, something just told me that i couldn’t take it anymore and i started asking for an apology and i wanted to know why it happened.. (explanation witch i never got) i nagged for so long and peacefully that he finally “kinda” told me.
    I couldn’t take it so i left home.
    It was hard, i was psychically ill for a week while living in a rented room.
    he repented deeply or so it seamed came with roses, purchased me chocolates, he asked me to marry him as he knew i had wanted for 2 years while we lived together.
    I said no with tears in my eyes.. it was my dream. shattered.

    After a week, i went back to my home to save money, for comfort, for love i wanted to be with him even though i couldn’t bring my self to even kiss him.
    i had already decided to leave the country and i had just a few days left.. and we parted as friends at the end. (we kissed and such)

    i know im not married like everyone else, but i left my life in another country for him, that’s how much i loved him. And we or at least i had plans to marry he never proposed but we talked about that we would.. and i waited… Now he has…only i don’t know what to do.

    My question is how do i get past this indecisiveness.
    One moment I love my ex and want to be with him, tell him i do want to return, I even call him at times when he doesn’t seem to care enough.
    And a moment later i fully turn and hate him for what he has done and never want to see him again, and think he is lying and tell him i do not even want to be friends.

    I came back home to my mom (she wanted me to) before i could regret leaving him, my home town is in another continent,
    and i STILL cant decide if i want to be with him or not. To marry him.
    Sometimes i think that he is worth marrying because in that moment i think that he really loves me and that he wont do it again and i do believe him because of the things he says that shows he really cares and repents.
    and the next day i think i deserve better than him someone that truly loves me and wouldn’t hurt me like that. And shows his appreciation for me.
    And so it goes over and over again.

    How can i decide?
    Sometimes i almost feel sorry and understanding for him i understand that he made a mistake and that he truly is sorry.
    But how could i marry someone i cannot trust? Can love really overcome this in the long run? How can i know if he will cheat again?
    Is my love for him worth having to face another betrayal if he didn’t change?
    I would go back for my own sake… to feel better.
    I might be married next time and with children.
    If i don’t go back to him.. what if i couldn’t forget him and regret not marrying all my life and miss him always i couldn’t bare that.
    He is the undeserved love of my life. Could i forget him?

  • Diane July 3, 2012, 11:44 AM

    It has been two years now and I still have the hurt of my husbands cheating, we are not divorced and he has been living with her for over a year and a half. I was married to him for 33 years and gave him all my heart and soul. I feel so lost and alone. I can’t talk to my family or friends anymore. Why do I feel this way I can’t forgive or forget what he did and what he is doing to me. I have been with him since I was 18 and I know no other life. I feel like my rock is gone and I am missing something. Please help

  • Matilda August 9, 2012, 12:35 PM

    This isn’t the first, it is just the first time we have not let the “water go under the bridge” I had it! no more! I saw the way my husband and a woman looked at each other in our small town grocer. I confronted him. He told me everything. well not at first, but within 24 hours…I was ready to divorce, move on…forget him!
    I can’t, he is my one and only love! i can’t lose him, our kids can’t.
    i made some phone calls and we had 4 people that helped us process everything seperately. we have decided to stick it out. We have been through far too much to just give up. we have granted ourselves 2 years of dealing and healing. and when we come to the end of the 2 years we will decide then if we can continue. If he can be faithful to me without a blink of his eye.

    • Jewels August 11, 2012, 8:36 PM

      Hello Matilda, it seems like you are tired of dealing with his cheating, it is interesting how you knew because of the way he looked at her. It’s interesting that you are going to give each other 2 years to see if it will work, to see if he can be faithful, and I am assuming if he cheats again, it’s over. Keep in touch and let me know what happens.

  • Lucy October 1, 2012, 4:26 PM

    Dear Jewels
    I have been married for 5 years. We have 2 children and I’m a stay at home mom. Six months ago I found out my husband was having an affair. There were many red flags but I was blinded by his lies. But the worse of it all was to find out from her (which was a smart and stupid idea because she told me everything) was that the affair was on and off for the duration of our entire marriage.  It started when I was pregnant with our oldest son and he’s four now.  I chose not to leave and give our marriage a try.  I suggested counseling, which he agreed but we never went.  The hurt of his wrongdoings has been my downfall.  These past six months have been a roller coaster. We argue all the time because he doesn’t understand how a simple “sorry” doesn’t fix things.  The worse of all is that the woman is still in the picture. He stopped talking to her for a while but when he saw that I was still having a very hard time dealing with it all he started talking to her again.  My rock bottom, I guess, was a couple of days ago. While he was a bit drunk we started talking profoundly about everything. He admitted that he did wrong and apologized for what he did.  He admitted that his didn’t communicate with me about how unhappy he was and that he justified what he did in head. He said he was willing to go to counseling and try. I said i wouldn’t until I had some proof that they weren’t talking anymore and e said ok.  That gave me hope that we could work things out. But in the morning when he sobered he went back to being the man he’s always been.  Rude and inattentive. I have to admit. I was mean too.  I wanted to continue talking like we did the night before.  But later in the day he went out and came back and lied to me about what he was doing. I saw in his phone that he had agreed to meet up with her and did.  The things I saw on the text messages was horrible.  All I thought is how could he do this to me when I thFought we were finally starting to make some progress. And I saw red. I felt like a bull and he was my target.  I was so angry. The argument was a very bad one.  I couldn’t understand why he could do something like that to me and I still can’t.  I can’t understand why he can keep doing something that is going to hurt me if he truly loves me.  I would never want to inflict this kind of pain upon anyone.  I feel like I have no where to turn. Leaving is not an option. Like I said before I’m a stay at home mom and I don’t have the means to take care of my kids on my own.  I wish he could look into my soul to see how he has tarnished it with all his lies and deceit. I feel unloved and unwanted. I feel dispensable.  I have asked for a divorce before and the moment that start feeling better and finally absorbing that we are over he becomes this nice person and says the does love me and wants to work things out and I get so confused that the divorce never gets started.  I don’t know what to do anymore. I know I have to start thinking about myself and my kids but this is consuming my thoughts. All I ever wanted was for him to understand and right the wrongs he did. To feel guilt and to start putting me first  and show me in his actions that he wants to change.  I have asked for a divorce again. Hopefully this will be the first step to the rest of my life.  It’s like Theodore Roosevelt said, “The best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
    Thanks for listening.

    • Jewels October 4, 2012, 1:30 AM

      Hi Lucy,

      I loved the quote at the end of your story – it’s powerful.

      Much of your story reminded me of mine. I happened to see the text messages as well, and they are traumatizing. I did have a job, but I absolutely felt there was no way I could survive on my own with 1 income and raise two small kids without going insane. I felt trapped and like I stated in my free e-book, I wanted him to hurt like I was hurting, and he wasn’t, and it was devastating for me to see him not be as impacting as I was. But I will tell you there is hope, because I took a couple of small mental shifts and things started to change, just like they will for you.

      I first stopped saying ‘I can’t leave and leaving is not an option’. I was living in misery, and at one point I thought this is living hell. I can not live like this the rest of my life. My health started to get impacted. I started changing my words from I can’t leave, to how can i leave? How can I leave is a totally different mindset that I can’t leave. It took me months, but I ended up leaving, and I didn’t fall apart like I thought. Our bodies are amazing, and we can adjust to any situation. If you are in the US, I would advise you to talk to a divorce lawyer, get a free consultation just to see what you options are. I think you might be surprised how the law works to support mothers who stay at home to support their children. A free consultation can’t hurt. The more knowledge you have, the more empowered you will become to the point where staying or leaving will be your choice, and you will no longer feel ‘trapped’.

      I also stopped focusing on making him feel. It’s not your job and I know exactly where you are coming from, I tried so hard to get him to break, but at the end, we are setting ourselves up for more pain. Focus on what you can control my friend. He is who he is, and what happened in my case is the more I focused on him and his actions, the more miserable I felt. I finally decided on day through many tears that he was not worth this much of my time. I deserve to have time dedicated to me, my wants and needs, instead, my mind is consumed with him, and he doesn’t care. So from now on, me first (and of course the kids). If I have time after I take care of me, I might entertain. I started to value my emotions more, if I started talking to him and he made me upset, I would leave. I made how I felt the most important thing in my life. And surprisingly you know what I found, every time I talked to my ex-husband, I felt worse. So I started engaging him less and less, and focused on me more. And in the process I got ME back.

      No matter if you stay or leave, it’s time to get ‘LUCY’ back. Time to focus on you. And once you put yourself first, everything else that needs to happen will fall in line. Take care, I hope this helps.

  • Lucy October 4, 2012, 10:53 AM

    Thanks Jewels. It did help. You described exactly how I feel. I want him to feel as much pain as I do and comfort me. I always wanted him to pick me and show me that I mean more than anything else. But I really need to get though my thick skull that he doesn’t. And I need to let go. I’m not scared of being on my own. It’s scary but I’m not scared of the challenge. I rather be alone than with someone that tears me like this. At least I know for a fact that I will never betray myself. What scares me is that I don’t know what will happen later on when it concerns this woman. I don’t know if she’s going to be a part of my kids lives. He says that she won’t be but he has told me so many lies that I don’t believe him. I already feel inferior and I don’t want my kids to start being ok with her and start saying that they want to spend more time with daddy because of it. I’m scared of losing the only thing that makes me smile right now. I know I have ti start thinking about myself but it’s really hard. All of this is consuming my mind and I can’t sleep most days. I’ve lost about 20-30 lbs in these couple of months already. I was a bit over weight and I don’t mind losing the weight but as much as I try to take care of myself I can’t seem to get rid of all this stress. I want to leave. And I’m going to do everything in my power to do so. He said he will help me with whatever I need but he won’t pay for two households and that is fine with me. I’m not a stranger to hard work and I’m eager to prove myself. But until I do. It’s really hard to see him everyday. It brings back horrible memories. I will see a lawyer soon. I want a divorce as soon as possible. Thanks again for the kind words. It’s good to know I’m not alone. :)

  • A friend March 4, 2013, 4:00 PM

    Hi All!

    I am writing on behalf of a friend who’s husband cheated on her. They were married for almost 10 years, and she found out that he cheated on her. The sad part is that they have the most beautiful daughter together, I’m trying to get het through this, but she’s still devastated. She still loves him so dearly and wants him back. He is currently with the other woman. How can I let her realise that even if she does get him back, it will never be the same again? There will never be trust in their marriage again? I feel so heartbroken for her. Any advise would be much appreciated…….

  • Glenna March 18, 2013, 3:07 PM

    Hi Jewels!! Thanks for posting this, you’ve summarized everything that i felt when i found out my husband cheated on me. I felt like i caused his affair, but actually i never was the cause at all. I blamed myself for letting it happen,i felt ugly, fat and sexually unattractive to him. This woman was beautiful so I thought! She has a pretty face, big boobs and round butt, but she couldn’t find her way out of a box. She has an ugly heart with no care for others feelings at all, she was only looking for someone to TAKE CARE of her! Someone to buy her lavish items, pay her bills and to take care of her two kids from two different men!! I would see them talking to each other and she would watch him when i was around, i picked up the signs and he confessed to his affair. I was devastated, my heart was broken, but worst of all was my children’s hearts were broken as well. Its been a year since but still some days i feel like crap thinking about it, we are working it out and everyday is still a process, but we are trying and we are doing well. As for the other woman she’s still cheating with others and she also cheated with my husband’s friend at the same time as well. So I pity her for trying to so hard to be happy with other women’s husbands, her unhappiness will be her karma for almost ruining so many marriages and relationships because she is chasing other peoples lives so she could be happy with hers. It does get better but in due time, i still have my good days and bad days. I just hope that things get better and my self esteem and self confidence builds up again!!! So Good Luck to all who are working out their relationships!!! God Bless!!

    • Jewels March 20, 2013, 12:14 PM

      Hi Glenna,
      Thanks for sharing your story, It is unfortunate that there are s many women that actually try to be the ‘other woman’, purposely try to have an affair, it’s sad and as one friend put it, it’s woman on woman crime. And you are right, most husbands do not see the interior of the type of person that would do such a thing. Many husband’s after they see it are embarrassed that they had an affair with such a person. But you live and learn. It seems like you are slowly rebuilding your life, which is wonderful, it takes time but everyday put deposits back in. Many couples who get through it say that they have explored depths into their relationship that they never have before, in a good way. I wish that for you – take care!

  • Diane March 22, 2013, 7:03 PM

    Ladies
    I am so sorry for the feelings you feel because I have been there. I lost 50 pounds in three months and cried till I didn’t think I could cry anymore. My husband of 33 years cheated on me and I really thought my life was over… I loved him heart and soul and could not ever believe he would do this to me. It has been almost three years now and he is living with his mistress since. The pain was so strong that I did want to take my life because it hurt soooooo much. I just wanted the pain to go away and the disappointment that I had in him hurt so bad!!! I am past that now and it took a very long time to get over him. I went from hate to anger to you are a ass. I cannot forgive him for what he did and I no in my heart I do forgive him but will never forget… I think one of the things that hurt the most was he choose her over me… I never cheated on my husband and trusted him, shame on me. He would like to be friends but I can’t because he was not there for us…. I feel better now, not a 100% but getting there. I do blame him but I also blame her for helping taking him away. I would of never ever done that to another women… I guess it is called sister hood!!! I can’t take him back even after all these years of marriage because he choose her over ME!!! Ladies things do get better believe me, I have had no life except him and was a at home mother for many years. Please hang in there because believe me it will get better even if you think it will not.. Pray

  • Kate January 8, 2014, 6:16 AM

    I found out 6 days ago that my husband has cheated on me and was planning on leaving me. He had even rented a unit near our house. We have been married 9.5 years, together 10.5 years and have 2 kids. I am utterly devastated. I hate him but I love him. I want to punch him but I want to hug him. He’s the one I want to be comforting me but of course that can’t happen. I just don’t know what to do. I just want it all to go away. I too have had a rollercoaster of emotions, I go from angry to sad to feeling strong, back to angry and lots and lots of tears. I know in a year’s time I will look back and feel stronger and better off but how do I get through the next year?

    • Jewels January 8, 2014, 10:46 PM

      Hi Kate,

      You are in what I call the devastation stage, and it is brutal, exactly as you are describing it. How do you get through the next year? One day at a time. You have to let your mind and body process this and go through it’s natural stages, don’t try to rush it, let your emotions out and feel. In time, things will get better, but you can’t wish yourself better. It’s a process and no one can skip this step. Just remember, be easy on yourself and your body, let your emotions process, and keep telling yourself in your darkest hour that everything will be ok. Hugs to you!

  • diane January 9, 2014, 4:11 AM

    I would just like to say I am so sorry for a women who have just started the grieving process from what a husband does to change your life. I was one of those women and it has taken me four years to finally feel normal. I was married 33 years and I always felt like I was missing something in my life. I could not get a grip on my life. I hurt my grown children because I could not cope with what happened to me…I just could not cope with what had happened to me and to make matters worse he has been living with her since then. I turned into a monster which I could not deal with the person I had become. It has taken me a very long time to come to who I am now. I have a full time job, my own apartment and everything in it is what I have bought. I will always love my husband yes he and I are still married because he has been dragging his feet for a divorce and I hope this year it will happen.
    I just want to say to any women who is going through the pain right now that it does get better for you and it seems and it is a long process. I turned into a monster and I hated myself because I was so hurt and I wanted him to hurt. I believe in Karma and it is coming around he has lost so much,
    Just hang in there because you will survive it and be a better person. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through and if you feel like crying then cry. I have cried so much and so long that I really didn’t think I had anymore tears left. I am a stronger person now and in control of my life. I will say I will never accept the other women as part of my family which my kids understand..
    I have a better understanding of GOD now and he is part of my life everyday.

  • Dadams January 15, 2014, 12:08 PM

    I need some advice with my hardship in my marriage. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years coming Feb,2014 and we have 3 amazing children. Getting married at a young age (he was 25 and I was 22) we started our family immediately. About 3 years into our marriage he cheated on me. I forgave him and he said that he will not hurt me again and we moved forward. We attended therapy/counseling sessions, spent more time together, and continued to have what I thought was a really good marriage. However this past Christmas season, Dec 2013, I found out that he has been having an affair with a co-worker since August 2013. I found pictures of this woman vagina being sent to him through email, hotel receipts which he denies and even her cell phone number hidden under guy’s name. I’ve asked him to leave our house and return home once he’s resign from this (2nd) job so that we can truly start our healing process. I made him leave on Dec. 22 (to stay with his mother and sister who now has shown their real colors with blaming me for his faults and really bluntly stating that they never really liked me) and as of today Jan. 15, 2014, he has not resign. He continue to say that we need that income, however I have yet to see any of it. He tells me he doesn’t know what he wants, that he has not feelings, that he will take care of this on his own time frame (he wants to be respectful to his boss in the manner that he wants to resign). In other words really hurtful and mean!

    So for the past couple of days I’ve been extremely sensual (meaning I’ve been wanting to have sex with him). And I don’t know how to handle this. Our sex life was very fulfilling and I can’t stop thinking about him or sex. I truly still love him and realize that I’m in love as well, but the fact that he has not returned home, still possibly works with his “jump-off” who is also married to a military solider, with children is a reason why I can’t allow him to return back to me.

    We’ve started counseling last week for the first time and will try to continue, but I’m not sure which way to go. Should I stay in this city that reminds me of so much pain, where his family hates me and accept that he gave up one job for me and allow him to continue working his 1st job, or should I continue my plan in leaving and going back home where I have a place to stay and file for legal separation and loss the family that I feel God has given to me?

  • LISAP January 22, 2014, 10:53 PM

    Well I have just been proven to be the fool again. Found my husbands twitter account and the OW and he are following each other. I am so stupid to believe I was moving on. I will never be rid of her!!!! His excuse was he didn’t know! I was finally moving on trying to get this new year going on the right track but NO! This hurts all over again. Iam PISSED!!!!! Why don’t men think before they do anything. Anyone can look up and view twitter accounts without having one. Her picture popped up under all the tweets. It been going on for years. So hurt right now and angry!!!! I wish I divorced him!!!!! To late now!!!!!!

    • Jewels January 24, 2014, 12:12 AM

      LISAP and Dadams

      Dadams,

      My heart goes out to you. It’s a tough call but one in my heart I truly do not think you have to make. I had to make a similar call when he cheated the first time and I was wonderful what to do. It was too much pressure for me and I just gave it up to the universe to direct me in the right path. And when I did that, the next week I found out he was still cheating. You are in a tough spot because he cheated twice, and I can only imagine the anger and pain that he has not quit his other job. In our minds as women, we expect immediate change. I remember how hurt I was when I told my ex-husband to call her and tell her it is over and he couldn’t do it, saying that he had to do it in his own time and manner. That hurt me so bad.

      Really think through the decision, right now it appears that you are in a place with no family local, which is hard with kids (I don’t have family local as well). These are your husband’s kids are well. If you need some space to think and sort your life out, ask your husband to watch his kids. He has got two strikes in that he was still denying things (like the cell phone number) and this is his second run at cheating. The second time around recovery is extremely difficult. So try to find some time where you can breathe and really think about your options. When I was at a point where I really looked at my options, and took my emotions out of the decision, it was easier to make the right choice for me and my family. You have to do the same, take care of yourself!

      LISAP,

      Oh no! Sorry to hear about this new situation, you do not deserve this. Have they been tweeting each other all this time but he told you that he has not contacted her? Husbands have no idea how stressful this can be on the wife. But hang in there, you now know and with knowledge you can think about the situation in a better way than without the knowledge. You are so not a fool.

  • xstal February 7, 2014, 3:12 PM

    Dear Jewels,
    I stumbled across your web page here and I’m so glad I did. When I first read your post I thought this could be my story. my husband cheated on me twice, the first affair was in 2009 right when my mom was dying and throughout her funeral. What kind of person does that to a wife of at that time 24 yrs? By that far into your marriage your supposed to be able to trust your partner with your life.
    The 2nd time he had his second affair which lasted longer, (2)yrs, I went through so pretty much what various of these posts here describe. I’m so sorry for what each of these women went through, but I have to say I no longer feel alone in this anymore. I can’t say if things will change for me but at least now I see some hope. If you all can come out of it, maybe so will I in time. Here is one entry of my journal,..
    Dear Journal,
    When I met my husband I thought he was a good man, with high morals, and family values. He came from a good family, was single, available, had no children yet. Even though we were very young 18 & 21, I was being very careful & specific about who I was choosing for my future spouse. For years we struggled over his constant lies, but he’d never cheated, we never been apart and spent all our time together. I figured he’d eventually mature and stop lying. It seemed everything went ok, until when he had his first affair in 2009, then the second in 2010-2011, however I now suspect it went longer, & it was worse, because he treated me like crap during the 2nd affair. I guess he figured I wasn’t going anywhere since I didn’t leave the 1st time, so he did it again and behaved really cruel & abusive. How could he do this after all the years of building & raising a family 2gether? Initially I did want to work things out, I felt it was up to me to save the marriage thus spare my children, (even though they were grown now) the pain of their family breaking up. But the hell he put me through, it wasn’t just the affair, it was mainly the mental abuse by his mind games and lies. why couldn’t he just been straight with me, instead he kept telling me it was all in my head, and my fears since he had hurt me before. The mental abuse is what I cant get past now! The end result,.. I never left, because like many women I couldn’t afford to (yet). But I lost all trust & respect for him. I don’t see him the same as I once did. I don’t love him anymore, any love growing between us just stopped. What he did to my heart, my faith God, us, any good, in purity, our marriage, my spirit, my dreams of us growing old 2gether, my whole being was all destroyed. He killed it all, he killed ME. I am no longer the same person I once was. Worse I am no longer ALIVE. Now he wants to work things out, sadly I do see changes in him, but it’s too late. So now if he chooses to be with me, he will have to settle for this EMPTY SHELL that I now am, that is all that is left of me because of what he done to me. i hate him. I will repay him for all he’s done to me, every lie, every cheating, every mind game. For all the wasting of my better years, for all the sexless life i had to endure while he had his whores on the side. Now he will have to settle for my scraps. And only on his death bed will I tell him that he settled, (which is what he says is the one thing he’ll never do is settle for 2nd best love, or have me settling for him) but I will pretend to love him, lie about loving him, til I get tired & leave him, or until one of dies first. Fuck him! P.s.

    • Jewels February 9, 2014, 11:50 PM

      xstal,

      thanks for reaching out, it touched my heart that you said you do not feel alone anymore because that is exactly why I created this site, I felt like I was the only one in the world going through such pain and hurt, so I am glad you do not feel so alone anymore. Your journal post was so authentic and powerful. You are right, the act of having sex outside the marriage is one thing, the mental abuse, that is a big issue as well. Continue to journal, over time you will find it will make a profound impact on your experience. I think this will be the topic of my next post.

  • Diane February 11, 2014, 3:13 AM

    Hello Ladies

    I am the women who was married for 33 years and still married till he signs the divorce papers. We have no money because he spent it all before we split which I did not know. It has been four long years now and still married to the ass. He lives with the other women for 3 and half years now. I want things done and I want you to understand he gives me money every month to pay my rent, this will last till 2017 then I am on my own. I cannot piss him off because he will stop the money each month. I work full time but I do not make enough to survive right now. One day I will be more secure with the money but right now he holds the cards and knows it.
    I guess I just do not understand why he is like this? He is the one who cheated and I accept that which I will tell you it took a very long time to get over him. I feel more normal now but hate having this divorce over my head. I am sorry but that piece of paper is very important to me to get on with my life. When I do meet someone I want no old baggage around. I want to forgive and forget him which in time I will. I know in my heart I do a little but not totally but time heals all …. When the divorce is final I want nothing to do with him and he knows that. I am so happy that I made it and starting to be normal which to me was a lifetime. This issue regarding the divorce does not just affect him or me but our children which is hard on them. They cannot wait till it is done and they try to talk to him about it but he avoids the issue.
    Well ladies if any one has advice I would like to here it..
    Diane

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