After the Affair – The Different Types of Crying

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I have come to realize that there are two types of crying associated with finding out that your husband had an affair. Both are very important towards your recovery, and understanding both types is crucial.

Type I: The hurt/anger cry: This is the type of crying that comes with the pain of finding out that your husband has cheated. You’re crying because you are in so much pain. You’re crying because you can’t believe he put you in this position. You’re crying because the level of betrayal makes you angry. You’re angry at the other woman and angry at your husband. And it is at times like these that you just can’t help but cry. After the crying session, you really don’t feel that much better than when you started.

This form of crying is the most common type in the months after you learn about the affair. The next form of crying happens after you have made the decision to stay or leave the marriage. Please remember that there is no timestamp on when this type of crying happens (for me it was ten months after I made the decision to leave), but when it does come, you feel differently than you did when you cried from anger and pain.

2. Grieving/loss crying: This type of crying happens when you’re mourning the loss of what you envisioned for your marriage. Whether you stay or leave the marriage, your marriage will be different now that infidelity has entered it. There is grief associated with coming to terms with the fact that the dreams you had for your marriage are not going to be reality. We spend years with the image of how we want our marriages to be, so grieving that loss is completely natural and understandable.

I went through this kind of crying a couple of months ago. I spent the weekend alone and the tears just started to come for no reason. I soon found that I couldn’t stop. I kept crying almost the entire weekend, and it was so different from the angry or painful crying. After my crying session, I actually felt better, almost as if some weight that I didn’t even know I carried had been lifted. It was an amazing feeling, and that crying session was something that I needed to do for my own recovery.

Crying is therapeutic and natural way to release pain and sadness, so whenever you feel like crying, go for it. It is ok.

  • Patti December 23, 2010, 5:17 AM

    Yesterday morning I found out my husband has been cheating through our entire 10 marriage. The OW’s husband sent me a message on facebook. Iam going through both crying phases at the same time. Headed straight for the D. Its really tough.

    • Jewels December 23, 2010, 11:39 PM

      Hello Patti,
      My heart goes out to you. Finding out that your entire marriage has been lived with a lie is such a heavy burden on you emotionally. And it’s the holidays, what a tough time to find out. Not sure if you read my free ebook or not, it will give you some ideas of what is to come. Most importantly, know that you are stronger than you think and that you will get through this. I am here for you with any questions you have, as well as other women on this site. I wish the best for you in such a difficult time. Make sure you try to at least eat and get some rest during this traumatic time.
      -Jewels

  • Sarah January 9, 2011, 9:37 PM

    Patti,
    I found out my husband was having an affair on Dec 23rd as well…. How is that for an early Christmas present. I was completely devastated. He refused to end the affair and wear his wedding ring…. He acted like I was crazy for even suggesting he end the affair. We have a five year old daughter. I realize how emotionally abusive he has been to me…. I feel like I lost myself. I could not stop crying and I could not eat or sleep and I got sick…. My daughter and I are visiting my brother and his wife for 3 weeks. They have been supportive… I hate the pain… I just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel.

  • M January 9, 2011, 10:25 PM

    I found out several months ago that my husband cheated after 29 years of marriage! (truthfully for the 1st time!) Wow – what a wake up call. We’ve had the conversations over the years about not being happy with each other and to please tell each other, but I know now he didn’t realy agree with that and did his own thing. Still trying to work through this 4-5 months later. This is the only man I’ve ever loved/been with. How do you recover from this. Gonna be a long process. Lots of other stuff hampered his life – his family, his job, etc. Always been there for him – have 2 kids and am still fighting. Will try to keep you poste

  • myra January 12, 2011, 2:15 PM

    Hi,
    I found out my husband is cheating on me on January 1st. We have been married 22 years and we have three adult children. I have been crying ever since, I think its both stages. I have so far decided to stay but every time I look at him I want to hurt him too.

  • Jewels January 12, 2011, 9:40 PM

    Hello M:
    Your so right about the wake up call. You might suspect it, or think in your head ‘how would I react if…’, but the real thing is SO much different than all of that, and so much more painful. Recovery is a long process, there is a personal recovery in which you literally have to rebuild your confidence since it was shaken to the core, and then their is a process for you and your husband, all going on at the same time. The good news that you’re still fighting, please let me know how it goes, I wish the best for your family.

  • Jewels January 12, 2011, 9:45 PM

    Myra,

    If you found out January 1st, you’re definitely what I refer to in my ebook in the ‘devastation’ stage. It’s one of the lowest times for most women, you can’t think without thinking about it without becoming sad, angry, and confused. After you get through this stage, things get better, but there is a long process ahead of you. I am here for you, please reach out if you’re having a down day, this is difficult. Your comment about looking at him wanting him to hurt inspired and idea for my next post (it will be posted in about an hour). Please keep in touch.

  • Sarah January 12, 2011, 11:32 PM

    Although I just found out about my husbands affair on Dec 23rd I feel I have already moved on to the grieving crying. I have made decisions and am hopeful for the future… Today I feel good but yesterday I was a tearful mess. I wonder what tomorrow will bring… Hopefully more hope and less despair. I am surrounded by loving family but when I go home in a few weeks I’m afraid that I will not feel as strong and ready to deal with the ramifications of this mess.

  • ashley January 13, 2011, 6:41 AM

    I just found out last night that my husband cheated on me two years ago when he was deployed in Iraq. we have a six month old son. I feel terrible and numb and confused. I don’t know if I should stay or go. if I stay how will I ever be able to look at him the same. It was hard enough doing a deployment but I thought maybe my husband loves me enough to stay faithful. during the last two years we have had our second wedding bc our first one was alone so we had a big church wedding. we had a miscarriage and then a beautiful son. we just decided to move to Florida and are supposed to leave in 4 months. I feel like everything has been a huge lie. it was only once but I have asked him about these weird emails from the husband f’er and he said they were nothing. his friends knew and came to our house and stayed with us from out of town. I’m that dumb army wife that didn’t know anything. I don’t want to be a single mom that lives with my mom but I think I deserve better. if he loves me as much as he claims why would he lie for 2 years?

  • Jewels January 13, 2011, 6:30 PM

    Hello Sarah,

    I am really glad that you went away for a couple of weeks to clear your mind, great move. I know several other women that have had the opportunity to go away and based off their experience, it will be not be the same as where you are because there are less trigger/reminders of the affair, so just expect to be a little more emotional once you get back home. It looks like you feel confident that you have made a decision. Just know, that if you get back home and for whatever reason, you start to have second thoughts, don’t beat yourself up over it, going back and forth on what to do is VERY common, it’s so hard to make a decision when your emotional wreck, so if you have second thoughts, every women in this situation can relate and would understand. Keep me posted – Best of luck!!

    (And make sure you eat…I saw you comment from your previous post, I got really sick as well from not taking care of myself during this time, don’t want that to happen to you!!)

  • Jewels January 13, 2011, 6:44 PM

    Hello Ashley,

    Sorry to hear about your situation. I sense the same embarrassment that I felt in my situation. Some of his brothers and friends knew, and I felt like an idiot, that was one of the worse feelings, if your going to do cheat, having people within your circle know is so disrespectful in my opinion. But I am in a better place now, but the hurt from him being open with it in the slightest way took me a long time to heal.

    Keeping along with the embarrassment feeling, like yourself I was also so angry that he put me in a position to be a single mom with two young kids. It embarrassing because you literally feel like you got scammed. And that embarrassment keeps you from talking about it with others, and it’s one of the main reasons I created the site as a way to express your feelings. Best of luck, your situation is a little tough, because you planned to move in 4 months, my heart goes out to you. Take care.

  • ashley January 15, 2011, 9:50 AM

    I am dumb if I stay? I did not make him leave because I feel that my son would be the one to suffer for it. I also feel that if I make him go I will never let him back. I can’t eat, sleep or talk to anyone. I am so confused and angry. I keep feeling shaky and as if I am going to have an anxiety attack. I can’t go to my moms without her knowing what is going on and we live far from our family. I have chose to stop wearing my wedding ring, which he let me know really hurt his feeling. I feel he lost his privelage of having a ring on my finger. I am hating this!

  • marcy February 27, 2011, 11:01 AM

    after 23 years of marriage, i found out he has been living with her for a year . he was leading a double life i never saw it. help please

    • Jewels February 28, 2011, 6:38 AM

      Hello Marcy,

      I am sorry to hear about your husband’s affair, but glad you now know the truth. The next couple of months will be filled with up and down emotions, ones that you probably have never experienced before. Try to make sure that you eat and stay healthy, that is number 1. Number 2, you are not alone, there are women all over the world going through what you are going through. His disrespectful behavior is in no way a reflection of you. You will get through this, I have faith in you.

  • Nandy March 1, 2011, 1:48 AM

    I just find out that my husband was cheating I am mad confused,angry and dont know what else to do. I have a 2 years old an a 4 months old I dont want to b a single mother. his reaction when I confronted him was confusing he acted like I did something wrong not him, he never apologize nor talk about it. I cant even tell wether he still love me or not. I wanna be happy and each time I see him I get so angry. what should I do I really need help.
    thank you

    • Jewels March 1, 2011, 8:28 PM

      Hello Nandy, sorry to hear about your situation, I also have two young kids so I know how you feel, it’s literally terrifying, the thought of being a single mother. The stress of kids with two parents can seem overwhelming at times. You asked for what you should do? Nothing at this point, it’s too early. Him acting like you did something wrong is very typical of a man that got caught, they project on your wrong to say themselves from having to deal with it. How long ago did you find out? I recommend you wait a while until your emotions get to a little more stable state, then assess your options. If you can, make sure your husband is giving you breaks so that you can think, that is what you need, some rest and time to really evaluate, and you can not do that if you’re with the kids all day…best of luck to you, keep in touch.

  • marcy March 1, 2011, 9:32 AM

    NANDY:

    It’s ok to feel angry. HIS BETRAYAL is NOT your fault. He could have been honest and said i want this or i need that but he did not he chose to block everything and every body and put himself first. you need to think with your head and not with your heart what is best for you and the kids sometimes we need to seperate what we want, or desired, dreamed of from WHAT IS RIGHT, PROPER, CORRECT, SAFE AND HEALTHY.ask your self what kind of man he is, not was, really comunicate with him but if he does not open up and is not remorseful for what he did, and take account for his actions ,then there is nothing you can do . remember a separation is not yet a divorce and even for those who do divorce sometimes with the pass of time people do realize their doings and repent and try to mend what they did and couples reunite but that´s another story, right now feel if you can and must continue living under the same roof emotionally and financially your mental and fisical health need to be at least ok because they definitly will not be fine for a number of months .you have to be ok because you have the children and if they (husbands) forget about them , we do not and can not . remember that we are born alone and we will die alone while we are here we laugh, cry, love, dislike, win and loose. It’s okay if we have to loose today because God has something better prepared for us. i think that though it is a lose we need to think of it as also a change, be it, that we remain with that person, separate or divorce , it is a change and I CAN ONLY LIVE, WITH THAT THAT I CAN ACCEPT AND IT TAKES TWO FOR THE MARRIAGE TWO WORK, IT IS BY NO MEANS A SOLO JOB. GOD WILL AND IS BLESSING YOU .WE WOMEN HAVE EACH OTHER BECAUSE THE (OTHERS) ARE NOT WOMEN THEY ARE FEMALES, WOMEN DO NOT DO THIS TO OTHER WOMEN, KIDS, SOCIETY AND FAMILY.

  • marcy March 1, 2011, 9:39 AM

    JEWELLS:
    your answering me is a true “give me your hand and I”help you out “blessing, I write to you from Monterry N.L. Mexico. things here are also terrible on this issue. I’ve helped so many people with this but I cannot help myself ,YOU SEE, I AM A PSYCHOLOGIST BUT NOW I AM ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DESK AND NEED YOU. Yesturday he texed me and told me to get my stuff out of our home because he was moving in with” his woman” to our home with all of our furniture and everything .What kind of lover accepts this? He also asked ME FOR THE DIVORCE. I SAID YES . I RANG HIM UP AND SHE ANSWERED .I told her that they had done everything the vile way and then i thanked her for making me see the bad lyiing person he really is and that if it wasn´t for her i would still be by his side and that i deserved better i left her really numb, confused and thinking because i also told her , you opened his door to sin and if he did that to me after 23 years imagine what he will do next and with so much aids going around. this is why we should always ask GOD for wisdom , this hurt her more than with any cussing i could have told her and it would have lowered me to her level and i did not fall into the temptation.One small setp for all of us, and one giant step in destroying them. please write to me when you have the opportunity MAY God be with you and yours.

    • Jewels March 1, 2011, 8:33 PM

      Hello Marcy,

      Thanks for writing to Nandy, we are all in this together.

      As far as your comment, I think it was really noble of you to talk to her at your level and not stoop to her level. 9 times out of 10, the relationship doesn’t work out. It’s a fantasy based off a bunch of lies. And once your husband or the other woman realizes this, they will break up and your husband will at one point try to come back, and by that time you would of already moved on. To this day I don’t treat my husband with disrespect because it’s not my job to get revenge or payback, the man upstairs will already do that for me in the time frame that he wants to do it. And knowing that is a big weight off of my shoulders. Your husband is really being mean about this because he is caught up in the fantasy, it’s not personal, he is just being really selfish. I hope that you have family support or somewhere to go in case you have to leave. Take care and let me know how things go.

      And by the way, I know you were a good psychologist before, but after you recover from this experience, you will be a great one!

      -Jewels

  • Nandy March 1, 2011, 11:42 AM

    Thank you for your help. I’m in the house still doing what I used to do as a wife. He spent the whole day and the night without talking to me. It’s hard for me to even look at him. I really don’t know what to expect and what will be the next move.

  • marcy March 1, 2011, 10:10 PM

    Jewels:

    You are so right, we need to leave justice to our Creator, because we cannot afford to have any more burdens on our shoulders. It is important for women to know that someone who wants to be deceitful will be and you can be a homemaker, a secreatary, or even a doctor joice brothers and this person will do it anyway by lying, with complices and such terrifc alibis that you believe them for a while, but you have your suspicions sooner or later and that is o.k. It does not mean we were dumb or unattentive to the signs, it is just that we were very much in love and we thought we were corresponded by our spouse because we believe in the golden rule: don’t do unto others what you want others to do unto you. But they apparently were absent when the rule was explained and we took our vows blessing to all who may read this and especially to you Jewels.

    • Jewels March 3, 2011, 12:06 AM

      Thank you Marcy!

  • Nandy March 5, 2011, 9:40 PM

    Thanks Marcy and Jewels your kind advices, I needed this. It’s been a month since I found out. I dont even know how to tell my family because they didnt really approve the marriage 100%mto start with, so it’s difficult for mr to tell them about it I afraid they will say that they knew it. I wanted to send an email to the female that he was with I dont know if it’s a good idea. so what do you guys think not to curse her out.because she also is a single mother. I am waiting for your advice . thank you…..

  • marcy March 6, 2011, 8:52 AM

    marcy:
    nandy, it is not a good idea to confront her . it is like fighting on the school yard for him,as though you were back in jr. high.what can you possibly tell her that she does not know or won´t admit to know. i spoke to the adultress because she answered his cell phone challenging me and that is the only reason i met her head on but with dignity i even called her dear, but you see she was a friend of mine and they are going to live in my home, with our furniture , dishes everything. i write this easily but it is tearing my soul ,thinking who he really was in 23 years.she told me things just happened.i wanted to tell her :as though your underwear just suddenly fell off,but i did not, i told her that we provoke our actions. please do not get in with her that will be demeaning to you once you hang up the phone, and he might even have the gall to tell you to leave his woman alone, which is what my husband told me. there is no shame in telling your family what happened. you did not cheat . of course, be prepared for the possible i told you so.it is ok for them to express themselves and if they say this it is because they love you and maybe they saw things you did not and that is all do not get sensetive on that subject , remember apart from your kids that is all you or any of us have now, including friends. he was never really in for the long haul, they are, just approach them with the simple truth.imagine, i had to approach my 80 year old parents who adored him and saw him as a true son, they are still crying for him and their health has really worsened. i have no brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts are dead or too old and from my cousins i am some what distanced because we never saw each other . we lived in different countries. we are living with my parents . it is not easy .we have invaded their space but they do not want me to move out because as they say , they only have me and i them.here in mexico the term for boyfriend is novio which if you separate them is no vio which also means: you did not see. it is ok to fall the thing is to get back up that is the important thing. our gain is their lose. marriage is all about companionship, to go out, to go shopping, to eat with, to talk to ,to love and to care for,,,,but they apparently want to do all ¨this¨ with someone else, let us sit down and see for how long it lasts them .they turned down everything they had for nothing, especially our all pouring out, unending, unconditional, love let us who gives them that , in the same manner or better than we gave to them.it hurts us all so really bad, it really is a physical, mental and spititual pain but the confort is knowing that we are no longer going to be in the land ¨ of oz¨ .the truth shall set thy free. blessing for you , remember with every second that goes by there is someone out there who is going thru the same exact pain and is thinking about you and we are all holding hands on this. it is a holding hand chain of caring, compashion,understanding and loyalty to each other ,who have, who are and who will live this. thank God for angels like jewells and others like her who started this.

  • Nandy March 6, 2011, 12:15 PM

    I was really thinking hard about it because I felt I would put myself down by doing so, so thanks again and my heart goes out to you all the others going through the same thing.since I never left the house, I even emailed him to see if he would talk about it and to say something this didnt happen. then last night he came putting his hand on me wanted to have sex, I dont even know what to think for him to be thinking I would actually be intimate with him without even say sorry or to take one minute to explain himself or anything. when I refused of course he started talking telling me I have a week to get a sitter for the kids usually he stay with them when I go to work cause he lost his job 2 years ago and i ve been the bills and basically keep the house for all this time while he ‘s doing his ting. I really think he was in this marriage for everything else “but love”.

  • marcy March 6, 2011, 3:22 PM

    nandy:

    for him to be out of work for two years is a lot, for you to be paying the bills and then he is the one who cheats on you, wellllllll excuse me. he definitly wants his cake and he also wants to eat it too.i do not know how old you are but it does not matter, these types fo people are not well,they belieive everything they do is alright and that everyone has to accept everything they handle out, they think they are the kings and the rest of the world are their subjects.please try to put the pain aside and think with your mind and not your heart.i now know that my husband would constantly ask me for money from my job and it was to take her out to nice places and to buy lovely things for her and i was paying for it all including the hotel and would not even bring me apiece of chewing gum with all the money i would give him.this is sad for a nice sunday afternoon, but it is reality and they are the ones that truly lose remember that. allthe love that you hadfor him ,you still posses, they are the empty one who are being filled with lusty actions and the need to control, and have power. we are filled with love and the want to be loved and appreciated . to be given big bear hugs with affection . sex will not erase the damage ever and more so when they do not even apologize and they do not do it because they are not sorry for doing so ,or it is only from the mouth and not from the heart.nandy must speake to nandy and ask her if she can over see all this and continue on or what? MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND GUIDE YOU . remember this process is slow, it is step by step, and always think of your well being and that of the children first. we all are here for you just speak out we are listening and will communicate .YOU ARE BY NO MEANS ALONE, WE ARE ALL ON THE SAME ROCKING BOAT BUT IT IS NOT THE TITANIC ,WE WILL SURVIVE AND FOR THE BETTER ,COME WHAT MAY .PRAY NANDY, FOR THESE AND ALL SITUATIONS WE NEED THAT SUPERIOR STRENGTH.REMEMBER THE COINS :in God we trust.humans are weak and fail, GOD never fails us……..

    • Jewels March 6, 2011, 9:35 PM

      Hello Nandy and Marcy,

      Marcy’s words are great, and I agree. First, contacting the OW (other woman) is something that we all have in the back of our heads. We want to know so bad the real story because we can’t trust our husbands anymore. If you do end up contacting her, just be careful. Most women get hurt even more when they actually interact with the OW. They hear things that their husband has said that is just downright painful to hear. I guess it all depends on your intentions on emailing her. When I talked to the OW, it was to confirm that he was still seeing her. I thought I was ready for anything she could say, but when I talked to her boy the things she told me (she had met some of my husband’s family!) hurt me more than I will ever admit. So if you’ew still in a great deal of pain, I am not sure it’s a good idea, it will only bring more pain.

      As far as your husband, because you didn’t have sex he is now saying that he won’t watch the kids?? Are the kids your husband’s biological kids? That is a really low thing to say after sex. It’s not like your just flat out refusing, sex after an affair with your husband is extremely difficult. Nandy, just from the couple of emails, and hearing how you have been supporting him for the past 2 years, you can and will do much better. He is not going to realize until it’s way too late how much he lost in a supportive women like yourself. If these are your kids I hope he was just talking out of frustration and will continue to support you and watch the kids through this traumatic experience. Sometimes men say very hurtful things, especially after the affair out of their own frustration of now being able to fix the situation. My heart goes out to you, I know how it is when you give give give, and now you really need some support to get you through this, and he is actually making the entire situation worse for you in every way. Nandy, things will get better.

  • denise April 30, 2011, 9:27 AM

    Hello Jewels,i just wanted to thank you for writing me back,i felt some comfort at the time.But now i am not so sure. Some days were ok some days a bit better.Now i feel like everyday is a struggle.i was reading about triggers,and i have one big one .The one women that my husband had a fling with lives just around the corner from were i live. And drives past my house every day .On top of that i live in the house she used to live in. So i am constantly having triggers when it comes to her.Then i also can’t seem to get the one women that i know for sure that he had sex with and a relationship with out of my mined.I don’t know if it’s because i talked to her.All i now is i feel really confused now and all i want to do is cry or think about hurting myself. i feel so alone! I have no one to talk to,because through all of this i also found that i have no real friends in my life.I have always been there for all of them. what i thought were my friends, through all the times they needed someone.And now when i need someone them most no one is there for me to talk to who cares.I have been married for 20 years and have been with my husband for 21years.i have wasted my life with him but yet i know nothing else.I got married to my husband when i was 16 years old.So i went from my mom straight to my husband. i am now 35 years old. and i have no life.I have back problems,knee problems and no education,due to me quitting school because of my learning disability.i have 2 teenage children my son i had when i was 16years old and my daughter i had when i was 19.My mom past away in 2005.i have no family no friends.no one to talk to.i don’t have the money to see a therapist.And even if i could i don’t have much faith in them. I am so depressed. I haven’t cooked dinner or anything else for my family in so log. i don’t care if i clean the house or not. I leave my house every time my husband goes to work because i hate being in this house.I do want a divorce,waiting to find out about my disability. I just hate my life i have always felt like i should have never been born.

    • Jewels April 30, 2011, 10:06 PM

      To Denise From marcela:

      I was with him for 28 years, i am 46, my kids are14 and 20 ,i do not have any brothers and sisters my parents are 80,i am living with them now because he and the ow and her kids are living in my home , she drives my car, and has all of my things and is using them . i take the bus to work and it is almost a three hour drive back and forth.i get home at 11pm. I live in Mexico and can not afford an attorney right now and what i make is barely enough to eat, my kid left collage to work for food. THE POINT IS WE WILL SURVIVE AND EACH ONE OF US HAS HER OR HIS OWN HORROR , PAINFUL, HUMILIATING, DEVALUED, TRAMATIC, UNDSERVING STORY. GOD is always with us and when we are most down he is by our side but He wants to come in ,in your heart and soul but you need to let that happen. write what you feel , what you need , what you expected and……….. i am sorry ……….but what you………..got. Get closer to your kids and do things with them, involve yourself in their lives like it sould be , do charity or community work , in a church or other agency. PLEASE, YOU ARE ONLY 35, you have a whole life ahead of you, most of the people i know your age have never been married yet and much less have kids, you have lived that already and are very young still, that’s great. My husband left me for my 35 year old friend and someone i was always giving advice to and helping,IMAGINE MY SHOCK ,HURT AND DISSAPOINTMENT OF BOTH OF THEM,BUT ESPECIALLY HIM OF 28 YEARS BY HIS SIDE, HELPING IN EVERYTHING AND NOW I AM LEFT WITH NOTHING THAT I HELPED HIM MAKE AND SOMEONE ELSE IS ENJOYING EVERYTHING THAT WAS MINE AND I WORKED SO HARD FOR , FOR 28 YEARS,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,. WHEN EVER YOU WANT WRITE TO ME PLEASE AND I WILL HELP YOU PROFESSIONALLY BUT EVEN MORE SO, AS A FRIEND WHO KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE FEELING AND GOING THRU. REMEMBER YOU ARE THE VALUABLE ONE, BECAUSE YOU DID NOT CHEAT , HE TOOK THE BAD ,HURTFUL PATH AND WILL PAY AND DEARLY FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE AND LOST AND YOU WILL MOVE ON TAKING ALL THE GOOD WITH YOU FOR SOMEBODY ELSE AND ESPECIALLY FOR YOU OWN SELF.WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN TO YOU ? for me it was on the 21 of nov. 2010, thats our D DAY.But thank God you know of this now instead of another 10 or 20 years of lies ,tears and just waiting for our¨heroes¨,our ¨love of our lives¨ , ¨our soul-mates¨ to get home and to pamper them with all their needs, and wants, and wishes while in reality , they are monsters, just using us and having someone else for all the fun, happy things. YOU DID NOT LOOSE A DAM THING, YOU GAINED KNOWLEDGE IN KNOWING THAT HE WILL NO LONGER USE YOU LIKE HE USED TO , UNLESS YOU ALLOW IT, WHILE YOU ARE BY HIS SIDE FOR NECESSITY, YOU LIVE FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS AND THAT’S THAT. SOONER OR LATER , YOU WILL FALL OUT OF LOVE FOR HIM ONCE THE PAIN BEGINS TO SETTLE A BIT AND YOU ARE LEFT NUMB BECAUSE OF THE EMPTINESS OF HIS SOUL…………………….IN DESTROYING SOMETHING THAT WAS MEANT FOR EVER AND IN THE WAY HE DID IT, AS ALL THE OTHERS, WITH LIES AND NOT CARING FOR THE FEELINGS OF OTHERS AND LACK OF VALUES AND MORALITY FORM ONE BODY TO ANOTHER………………………………………………………………… PLEASE PUT THIS SO EVERYONE MAY READ IT AND MIGHT HELP, CHANGE YOUR NAME IS YOU WANT. LOVE YOU VERY MUCH , WE ARE ALL ONE HUGE FAMILY IN THIS…………………………………………………..

  • denise May 1, 2011, 10:27 AM

    hello Marcela,thank u for your letter.you had asked me when this time did my husband cheat.well he has done a lot of things that i count as cheating ,but it’s to much to write so the last time i found out that put the icing on my cake was sept 18th 2010.I could only wish that my mom was still alive so i could live with her.I would have no problem giving up everything car,furniture,stuff.because i just want a place to live.With out my husband.Just me and my kids.But i have one one to live with and no place to go.Just last night i found out that my husband has been looking up info about H I V. I said to my self how much more can i take .i don’t even know how or what to do to get tested for hiv or any other funk that i might have.I don’t know why he would be looking up that info unless he is worried about him having something. don’t under stand how i can keep on thinking my life is going to get any better.

    • Jewels May 1, 2011, 10:24 PM

      Hello Denise,

      It seems like you want to leave but you feel stuck. Where there is a will there is a way, and in time the way for you to leave will present itself. But unfortunately, if your mindset is thinking your ‘stuck’ and there is no way out, there could be a person in your life that has all the space in the world for you and your kids, but you won’t even see it. So start to tell yourself that you have options in your life as far as where you live, even if you don’t believe it, say that everyday and in time, the opportunity will present itself. I knew I was stuck because my credit is horrible (partially because of this cheating mess) and didn’t think anyone would let me get an apartment on my own, but I kept saying the opportunity will come, and after 15 people telling me no, one said yes and I got a way out. That’s all you need is one yes.

      Marcela is right – you are young, very young. There is another life out there for you outside of this. As far as your husband checking on HIV online, first, let’s not go to the extreme, worst case situation. He could be looking it up for several reasons, including someone that he was with might of said something to him about HIV because he stopped talking to her and she wanted to make him nervous about something that is not true at all. The fact is you don’t know, and it will do you no good to worry about it, because you will go to the worst case situation . But just so you know, HIV is a common test available in most doctors offices, and people live for years with it, that’s a fact. I still would use a condom or just stop having sex with him, especially if you already know you want to leave.

      Now, as far as your life, I understand your friends aren’t really the friends that you thought – good thing is you can make new friends!! You say that you wish you were never born or that you feel like hurting yourself. YOUR KIDS NEED YOU. If nothing else Denise your kids need you so that you can teach them to be strong and confident individual like yourself. Yes, there is a strong confident women that is inside of you, it’s just a matter of releasing the real you. I know the real Denise is so much more than you ever imagined, and once you feel empowered to be the real you, your kids are going to say ‘where have you been all of these years!’. Denise, find one thing everyday to be thankful for, it could be your kids, it could be a show on TV, it good be the nice weather. And hold onto that. There is a bigger purpose for your life outside of your current reality. We all will be thinking positive thoughts for you and your family.

      • Jewels May 2, 2011, 9:57 AM

        To Denise from Marcela:
        Hi , I understand you , it is terrible. I s there some kind of a women’s center or shelter or something of the sort that you could possibly look up in the inter net , that might help you? if not, then you  will just have to wait a bit more or a lot more and center your life around the kids and get all the love and attencion we all need from them, and you give them yours. Try to save every  dollar you can and put it aside and try to reason with him that you do not feel safe anymore and if and when you have sex , use a condom, if you can avoid it , the better. SAD,but when you find out , it is sex from there on in our minds, because to make love , you need to be in love and to care and cherish the person ……..and apparently this is no more……………….because he or she that does something like this , does not love you, i  do not care how many times he may repeat it and on his knees but something is lost for ever………..your life can and will get better we all must believe that. get informed on std’s and HIV’s and you explain it to him , so that he can see the terrible coffin that he has opened up , all for nothing. They had us , we are women , all with the same parts and we loved them and were faithful , clean and honest ………… if those qualities do not satisfy someone ,then HE IS NOT WORTH LOVING;    WHEN that someone if out of our  heart for good  then he is out of our life , at least emocionally if not physically because you need his presence economically, but only that …….think of him as a house partner to get by ……pray , we all need to pray……….so that God may open a new door in our life and that he may close this one behind us……………………we wanted it to be forever but for ¨we ¨  it takes at least two and our other half chose another forever……. take care …write whenever you can and need…..MAY GOD GUIDE US ALL.  

  • wanda January 7, 2012, 3:58 AM

    Hi Jewels: Thr cheater was caught 5 days before xmas, as i relayed previously and the crying has gotten better but the “crazy” in me has not. Hurt with all the pain, I call him incessantly…and i really dont care what he thinks about it. I am now looking after me. H complains that i call too much but I really dont care–if i need a question answered (probably will answer w a lie anyway) I call. I see a therapist oncw a week and i go to the gym everyday for at least an hour or more and just hired a yomg male trainer to buff me up! This is how i keep above the radar of crazy,,,,if that;s what it is. I also read alot and see that women in my same shoes, also go up and down with emotions, like a rollercoaster when we find this lovely news out from the person we are married to. He works out of town always since he came back from Afghanistan 7 months ago. No…he was not man enough for the military,(justified dig) but rather a high priced, overpaid contractor for the us government. That gig was over and he decided to run with the military bases all over the usa. And here I am. This is his work leaving no time for me or our college grown daughter. All he does is send his entire payck home, pays all the bills and more but, this is no life for her or myself and basically we have been alone now for a year (except a few r and r;s here and there). He does not want to get divorced…heck no..why should he? He is living like a college student doing whatever he wants while his other real family is home!!! I am sooo angry at him, I call him and give him he** all the time at what he put us through after 25 yrs of marriage. He says he is sorry and wants to make it up to us but doesnt know what he could do to do this. I said…Leave your job….But he wont. So, I have spoken w an atty and where i am i get permanent alimony (which is a good thing) for the rest of my lie with a life ins policy attached in case he dies before i collect. I am at a point where money doesnt matter anymore. I still love this man but i despise what he has become. He even has ignored our daughter for the first time in his life and he is typically unavailable for us. I want to hurt him like he hurt us but, i know there is nothing i could do to him cause he is so selfish and only looks after himself, emotionally. When will i know to leave or try at this wreck of a man? He is 50 and still acts like he is 20—hangs around younger people always, music, drinking, etc. I am exhausted w him but, i still love him. Am i crazy or just plain stupid? help please!

    • Jewels January 13, 2012, 12:32 AM

      Hello Wanda,

      I think you are on the right track, you have a therapist, you are going to the gym, doing things for you, great. It breaks my heart when I heard men not being active in kids lives anymore because they are caught up with the affair or just with their own life, so I am sorry you are going through that. It does seem like he is trying to live out his childhood and he does not see to want to stop, at least that is the perception I got in the email. To answer your last question, you are not crazy, this is one of the most difficult things you will ever face in a marriage. I loved my husband dearly, but for me, I got to the point where the love for myself was more important than the love of my husband – then I was empowered to leave – and I haven’t looked back. Take Care!

  • Tina January 8, 2012, 8:51 AM

    I think I am starting to transition to the “grieving” cry…although I had a very hard night last night and was feeling the anger/hurt feelings. My husband and I separated and I let him spend the night Friday into Saturday. We started talking and it was very emotional and tender. We ended up making love..and I know that I shouldn’t of…but I love my husband and I miss him so much…he has been emotionally distant during this whole thing and it’s left me starving for love. He’s my husband! I’m his wife! Yesterday was his birthday…we had a wonderful day. A lot of talking and tenderness. He got this book called, “Why Good People Have Affairs” and we spent the day reading it. I was bitter and skeptical at first but it was a very insightful book. I was hopeful and looking forward to moving forward. Then around 8pm..he gets up to go to the OW’s house. He says, she invited him over..”just to watch a movie”. He says he will call me by midnight. I feel pathetic as I watch my husband leave for his lover’s house. I tried to watch TV…and keep looking at the clock. I get up and start the self-mutilating act of checking the credit card account and bank accounts….looking for more verification of his betrayal. Why am I doing this? I already know everything I need to know? I find a double charge to Victoria Secret. I know that in the big scheme of things it seems like an small thing…but to me it was another lie. He said he gave her a $50 gift card for Christmas. Now I know differently. I know that I can’t keep torturing myself like this…but it’s like I go into panic/paranoid mode. I started texting him confronting him. He texts me back, “Why are you doing this? Pls stop…it’s doing not good!”. I texted my friend and she said to stop it…I’m adding fuel to the fire. But I can’t…I felt so out of control last night…like a wounded animal trapped in a corner…I went on the attack.

    He calls around 12:30am and says he fell asleep on the couch. I don’t believe him. She gave him a watch for his birthday. He said they talked and he says he told her that he wanted to work out his marriage…but then that was it. The conversation changed, he said. He said that she said that she doesn’t want to be the one to break up the marriage…but yet she still invited him over there last night and gave him that present. When he called I was so upset that he came over to talk. I kept saying….”how could you say that you love me…and keep doing this to me?” He says that he fell asleep in the couch around 9:30pm and woke up around midnight. That’s why he called late. Then when he comes home…he fell asleep shortly after. I find myself thinking, “How can you be so tired if you’re saying that you took a 2 1/2 hour nap? I asked him that…he get’s annoyed that I don’t believe him. I let it go…”At this point, what does it matter,” I think.

    There are times where I feel like it’s killing me. He keeps defending her…saying that “she’s not as bad as you make her out to be” and “she wanted to break it off and I kept it going.” I believe that she’s saying that to pull at his heartstrings. I can’t help but to think that if she really felt that guilty…if she really didn’t want to be the one to break up this marriage…she would just turn him away. I am so confused. I love this man so much. He says he doesn’t want to hurt her….he says that he knows that she has to go and he wants to make it as painless as possible. But I tell him, “but you’re killing me in the process.” “You are sacrificing me to protect her feelings.” I think part of the problem is that he wants to find a way out that’s “gracious”…but it’s too late for that.

    I told him that when he does break it off with her…I want him to give the gifts back. She gave him a painting (artwork) for Christmas and a watch last night. I ask myself…”what was she thinking?” Was she expecting him to come home and hang up this painting in his family home? Was she hoping that he would look at the picture and think if her? I feel the same about the watch. He will think if her every time he looks at it. How can you honestly get over someone if you keep seeing a reminder of them?

    I’m going to the gym to work out now. Exercise has helped me a lot. It provides long lasting temporary relief. Nights and mornings are the hardest.

    I love this sight…I am so happy I found it. It feels so better to share my pain with other people who are going through the same thing. Thank you. I will post again very soon!

    I’m on three different psyche meds right now…I’m a basketcase. We start counseling on the 16th and I keep thinking, “How am I going to get through this week?” I had told him that the 16th was “D” day and I will stick to that…but the 16th seems like an eternity away. I know he will see her this week.

    • Jewels January 13, 2012, 12:38 AM

      Hello Tina,

      I know I posted my thoughts on your other post, but I just want to say that I really think that the reason you are so distraught and emotional is that your husband’s actions are ripping and tearing your heart apart. No one deserves that. Any woman on this site that would have to literally see their husband walk out the door and know that he is going to see the other women – we would all be going crazy, that is extremely difficult and quite frankly it’s not right. Tina I want you to build yourself up where you do not take this type of behavior, like I told Wanda, you have to love yourself more than you love your husband, and I can tell right now that you love your husband more than you love yourself. Because if you loved yourself more, you would of told him if he walks out that door to see her, then he might as well be getting a divorce. You have to protect your feelings, your feeling are important, and the reason why you are so down is that he is not making your feelings a priority, and you are not either. Not sure if he will ever step up, but you can. Take Care!

  • Freebird February 2, 2012, 10:42 AM

    I just wanted to share my story. It’s been over three years since my ‘ex’ walked out on me…..in a day……and never looked back. We were together 23 years. I had always been suspicious of him ‘cheating’ because he has had the perfect job for it (travels most of the week) and because he has done things to warrant my being suspicious. And I did ‘finally’ catch him cheating on me in ’05 but we tried to repair our marriage and keep our family in tact. In hind sight, that attempt was useless. Come to find out (since he left for good) that he had actually been cheating on me for the entire 23 years that we were together! And the icing on the cake was to have him tell me that he had even slept with my sister!!!! Does it get any lower??? Naturally, that has destroyed the relationship that I had with my sister as well as most of my family (they want to sweep it all under the carpet and forget that information was ever ‘spilled’ and for everything to go back to the way it was….. HAHAHAHA). Talk about falling apart and finding the very bottom of that deep, black hole!!!!!! I’m actually still in the black hole and wonder if I will ever surface again. I’ve also found out some things concerning personality disorders that have been very disturbing. I’ve discovered that my ‘ex’ is a full blown Narccississt and that I have some problems of my own (dependent and avoidant personality disorders that have ruined my life….past, present and future!!). Anyway, there have been a few ‘good’ things that have taken place that I would like to share. He has actually married the OW (who is 20 years my junior) and because he had a vascetomy done in 1991 he wasn’t about to ‘undo’ it and since she is 35, they decided to go the IVF route (twice …..cha-ching $$$) and ended up having premature twins! He’s almost fifty! Plus, she lost her $80,000+/year job and probably won’t work now that the twins are keeping them both so busy and he still travels (look out honey, he won’t be faithful to you, either!!!). Plus he pays me a hefty alimony each month and he is in debt up to his eyeballs (somewhere around 1.5 million!!!!). I think Karma has made him a pretty decent visit and it’s only just the beginning! I do get ‘some’ satisfaction from knowing how things are going in his ‘new world’……but to think that he believes that was the answer to leave a 22 year marriage for….???? I just don’t get it???? Not that I would ever want or take him back ……. he is soooo dead to me. But I’m just so puzzled as to what ‘these’ men think……or do they ‘think’ ? Do they EVER actually think things through before ‘rushing’ in and pole-valuting over that fence into the ‘greener’ grass on the other side? Both sides of the fence have the same dead, brown, pest infested grass!!!!! How can we EVER trust any of them ever again? Are they even trustworthy at all? I’ve lost ALL faith and hope and that is what makes me the saddest from all of this. The ‘fairy tale’ just DOES NOT exist…….sigh.

    • Jewels February 2, 2012, 10:37 PM

      Hello Freebird,

      Welcome to the site, my heart goes out to you, especially when I read that he slept with your sister. Unfortunately, not the first time, I have heard of the sister one before, the best friend, the mom, so you are not alone. It seems like there is a big part of you that has moved on, and then at the same time, a big part of you that is still searching. It seems like you have lost hope in men and in people in general with all the drama with your family around this.

      For what it is worth, I have faith in men. Despite all of what you see on this site, I do believe there are good men out there. One of the key reasons I can be so confident is because I have had several men contact me in pure devastation over finding out there wife has cheating. And when I read their stories, it actually gives me hope that there are good guys out there. So I hope that you one day will believe again. Start to focus on you and your life, him and his life is not worth you thinking about, there is an entire world out there for you to explore, and I am happy that you will get a chance to leave the drama behind and go imagine a better life for yourself, I hope you feel better.

  • Jean February 29, 2012, 6:31 PM

    I’ve been with this man almost 27 yrs, its the 3 rd, time,his reason is he doesn’t know what love is.,afraid of love,but he tells all our friends and his family how much he loves, cares for and would be lost without me. Funny way of showing it. I’m just trying to figure out what I as a person want. Thing is deep in my heart I do care and love him stiil. Anyone have thoughtful or suggestion.

    • Jewels March 2, 2012, 12:10 AM

      Hello Jean,

      I think you are off to a great start by asking what you want. If this is the 3rd time that he has done this, will there by anything that prevents him from doing it again? If he does it again, will you stay? I think it goes back to your original question, what do you want as a person. I know deep down you care and love him, that is what makes this situation so difficult, we love our husbands but feel we should not have to sacrifice our own happiness and sanity for a caring husband. Keep working on yourself, your needs, and your gifts and out of that the answer for what to do will come.

  • Colleen March 15, 2012, 7:57 PM

    I have gone through both types of crying within the last two months, because it all happened so fast. He relapsed into drinking, slept with another woman, and then when I asked him to leave because he was drunk and out of control and said terrible things to me he went and is now living with a second woman. And sleeping with HER. We are getting a divorce, basically because he is a coward who can’t face the music and isn’t willing to try to fix things and honestly it hurts so much that he doesn’t even want to try. He knows I am filing for divorce and isn’t trying to stop me because he doesn’t want to hear about what he did forever, “he can’t live his life that way.” How can someone throw their wife away that easily? He said he was sorry we had a beautiful relationship but he can’t go back and change what he did. And I am so angry, he fears my anger and my sadness. He came over to sign the papers and we had dinner and it was OK. I got teary at one point but held it together. He wants to be friends, but really, why should I allow him in my life so he won’t have to feel guilty? It hurts so much, it all is coming down so quickly and he has just moved on. He’s sorry but it’s my choice whether I want to be happy or not, he says. God, how can someone who supposedly loved me so much just “move on” after two months? It’s horrible. Discarded like a piece of trash. I am so sad and angry I don’t know what to do. Or how to stop emailing him or calling him, like he wants. I know I have said all this before but I am not doing very well. When will the pain ever stop? I can’t “move on” so quickly, we had a life. I thought. I guess I was wrong.

  • freebird March 16, 2012, 8:12 AM

    I have determined that the old cliche’ is EXACTLY right “they want their cake and eat it too” !!! And even when they get it (ie, open relationships) it’s just so they can have EVERYTHING the way THEY want it! If they can convince their wife to agree to an open relationship, that means they get the ‘green light’ to cheat…..which means they won’t have all the hassle of ‘getting caught’ and what all that involves!!! And THEN if/when they find a woman they’d actually rather be with they then cancel the ‘contract’ of the open relationship and get a divorce! I’ve seen this happen with my own eyes!!!! It’s just that MOST wives WILL NOT agree to the ‘open relationship’ idea, so the men have to secretly cheat, get caught, and then get the divorce. Either way, THEY are getting what THEY want……period! I even read where one wife desired sex as much as her husband and he still needed to cheat on her. Which means, it’s not JUST the sex (even though that’s what they love throwing in our faces) it’s the stupid LUST and EXCITEMENT that comes with cheating/new relationships…….which plain & simple is just not realistic but try telling THEM that!!!!!!! aarrgghh!!!!! Does anyone know of an “OW” that also got cheated on and how she feels about being the OW and being cheated on? I’d love to hear THAT explanation!!!

  • Kimberlee April 16, 2013, 7:52 PM

    my husband was having an affair with his ex girlfriend list I’m tired to your relationship. the way I found out was repulsive. a text from her stating that he loves to eat her p**** and drinks her c**. called me a pathetic b****. my husband took a two week vacation with me and she would not stop texting him. I finally asked him to move and go stay with her because obviously he cannot go on life without her. he did stayed one night and called the next morning pleading to come back to me. her and I had a text war the day after he came home. the bottom line is he told her she was the other woman and it was not fair to me that I didn’t know what was going on and she did. he broke it off with her but I don’t trust him. I don’t trust intentions. there was a large amount of time that he was not having intimacy with me. and yet he was with her. direct times I wanted to kiss him intimately anything he didn’t like to kiss intimately but she forwarded a text from him saying I love your lips I love to kiss them remember the kiss I gave you just recently at the restaurant. this is horrible. he told me just a week ago he couldn’t promise to stay away from her. and when is far is moving out and spending the evening with her how did everything change in just one night after such a long love affair of the heart. I don’t know what to ask him to figure this out.

    • Jewels April 17, 2013, 4:58 PM

      Hi Kimberlee,

      When he tells you that he can not promise to stay away from her, listen to him. I remember my husband saying something similar when I said do you love her he said ‘Well of course I have feelings for her’. I was so hurt, but at the time, I didn’t want to believe him.

      It seems like your husband does not want to let this person go, and unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make him see the light. The only thing you can do is give him consequences for his actions. I feel for you on seeing those texts, truly devastating, that is how I found out about my husband, and some of those texts I saw were just horrible. Take care of yourself.

  • NRS May 20, 2013, 1:04 PM

    My husband and I have been married nearly 13 years and he has cheated at least 3 times in that period. Five years ago I discovered the affair he had in Iraq at the same time I found out about the two women with whom he was in a current romantic relationships. I knew he was depressed and he told me he felt like I did not love him so I tried to forgive him and move on. Less than six months later I discovered he was meeting up with multiple people (via Craigslist and other sites) while he was traveling for business. At this time I asked that he seek counseling and share with our families what he had done and the steps we were taking to work on our marriage. We spent several months with a marriage counselor and we thought we had our communication problems resolved. His counselling sessions were not going as well, but, since our marriage counseling was going so well, I let it slide. However, this February (right after buying our house), my husband told me he was unhappy and “had options” and asked “what should we do about this”? I asked him if he was asking for / wanted a divorce and he replied that the way he was feeling at that point in time, yes. After a few days of tears and mulling things over, we decided to try to reconcile one last time… but then I discovered that he had, in fact, been cheating with three different women and had a woman he was *very* interested in which is why he broached the subject of divorce. I also read an online post where he told a close friend that the past few weeks of his marriage had been some of the best / happiest, but it wasn’t enough. He still wanted other women. That was when I decided to call off the reconciliation attempt and told him we should get a divorce. I have been a sobbing mess through this whole period, initial discussion, discovery of cheating, attempted reconciliation and now separation. I am having trouble letting him go… we are living in the same house, because our financial situation has made it so, and we each have separate bedrooms, but both of us are staying up late on the couch together rather than face the reality of our separate beds. And the few times I have tried to go to bed alone, I sob uncontrollably. I get this horrible pain in my chest and I can’t help it.
    We have a child together so I am attempting to keep things cordial and pleasant so that we can be good co-parents. I think that is part of the problem… maybe if I could just *hate* him for awhile, I could get past the years of love I had / have for this person. I can’t even tell my family how sad I am because it enrages them. They can’t believe I am not simply washing my hands of this man.
    Any advice on how to move past the connection I have with this man would be appreciated.
    Nicole

    • Jewels May 21, 2013, 9:39 AM

      NRS,
      I understand how you feel, I think it would be valuable for you to spend some time alone thinking about what you are holding onto. When I found out, I had a really hard time with a couple of emotions. I wanted to hold onto happily ever after. I wanted to hold onto our financial dreams. I wanted to hold onto the thought I found a good man that loved me. I wanted to hold onto our children being raised in one household. And last but not least, I wanted to hold onto the love.
      I had to pick apart each of those emotions. I live with my now ex-husband for over a year before I moved out. I will tell you, once you move out, progress of recovery moves much quicker, because that negative energy or reminder of cheating is not around you as much. Once you start tackling each of the things you have to ‘let go’ and do so one at a time, it will get better. Focus on YOU is key, and realize that a man that has feelings for someone else is not for you, he is simply not for you. In time, you will move on, and I totally expect you will find better, in time. Take Care!

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