Now that my spouse has cheated, I am getting a little paranoid. I found out he cheated, and he kept going with her for months, all while I was thinking we were ‘working on the marriage’. I feel so used, and at times I feel like a fool.
The lack of trust after the affair is my main issue, not the act of having sex outside the marriage. Trust and Cheating post talks more about the trust issues.
I am going crazy trying to find some sense in whether or not I can trust him again. Anytime he is out past10pm, I get literally sick to my stomach. During the day if he has to run an errand, I think, is he really going to the store or is he going to see her? Not a day goes by when he goes out that door where I question if he is lying to me. There comes a point of no return after so many lies, so many disappointments. I wanted to fight for this marriage so bad, but every sign is telling me that it’s not going to work. I believe in marriage but I will not sacrifice staying married for my own sanity.
That is why I mentally have checked out of this relationship. I cannot live the rest of my life in this paranoid state. It is not healthy for him or me. Unfortunately, don’t have the money to leave right now, so I feel literally stuck, as I talk about in this post Cheating and Economy.
The way that he cheated on me angers me, and I don’t think I can get over the anger and still be with him. It’s sad to say, but I was very paranoid when my mind was still trying to work things out, but now that I choose not to work on the marriage, him leaving the house doesn’t make me as sick to my stomach as it did in the past.
Men, when you cheat on your wife, think about how your wife would feel. Cheating is one thing, having sex with another woman in our house, going out in the town showing off?? At a certain point it rips out heart out, and it takes a long time to repair it.
Ladies, we owe it to ourselves to do everything in our power to mend our own pain from this experience. And as I find my way out of this mess, I promise that I will share what I did in hopes it gives you the power to do the same. Stay strong ladies, we will get through this!!
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m in the same situation some what as you. He was lying while we were in counseling. Telling me it was over but he was still with her. I to am always paranoid he is with her or someone else. I’m driving myself crazy. I want to trust him but have caught him in too many lies in the past. When he gets caught he still will not own up to it. He has moved out which makes me feel more at peace but I want him to come back home. I’m afraid though, afraid I will be back to snooping. I just can’t do it again. I need strength.
My husband of 26 yrs was kind enough to sleep with my best friend . I have never experienced so much pain. If not for my son I don’t know what I would do. Threw him out and he is living with his mom. We have been seeing each other on weekends but he is still sending off signals like turning off cell phone and deleting all calls / msgs. I am financially dependent and having difficult time coping with my entire life being altered in a moment.
Barb,
I too share simular pain. Difference…my husband has been cheating on me in his travel world for 14 yrs of our 30 yr marriage. He travels so his “wrecker” would meet him on his business trips. Taking our youngest to college made him explode w/his guilt. He spent 3 weeks telling me he would end it and has not been successful. I forced him to leave (hardest thing I have done as I still love this SOB!) He too is trying to live at his mom’s on her coach. He is losing everything as his friends are my family. He has no one but his Mom and our 3kids who too are very hurt by his deceit. My life has turned upside down, inside out. Where do we go from here??
I don’t know. Started therapy for the first time in my life. It helps. You sound like a wonderful person. I sometimes think distancing myself is the answer. How else can you heal ?
Barb,
Where do we go? How do handle the first few days finding out what has happened? People start shouting lawyers, finances and I am still hurt beyond function! How do the tears stop? Just when can I can angry? Oh time…but how does one function until time passes?
Barb your friend was no friend! She was only thinking of herself as he was. The pain will be around for a very long time…Unfortunatley…You will cope the only way you know how. Each of us coped differently, I stopped eating because I felt like throwing up everytime I thought of him and her and food never stayed down. I lost 45lbs and started having panic attacks daily. He saw what he did to me but it still continued for 4 yrs. After 1 year of barely eating I finally said I need to be here for my boys not him. I am now back to my healthy weight and working on my family responsiblities. There sometimes is just NO real answer to it all! I have been married for 24 yrs and all this happened 4 1/2 yrs ago. I still think of it daily and sometimes wish I divorced him but I didn’t. That was my choice and no one elses.
Lisa,
Funny you bring up eating. I too can not eat at this time. I go to work and function as it is a job I have had for 12 years (almost the whole time my husband has been having a affair) but a job I know. All I think about is him. What is right I don’t know? I know what he has done is wrong but he still is in his selfish web and I do not see him coming out of it, either? I am looking for advice on how to handle today, until you get to the “take eachday”. I can not sleep,eat and only go to work because the silence is worse at home. I need advice…PLEASE!
Carrie, My two sons were 13 and 16 at the time my husband cheated. Work was my only place that I could almost hold it together. I had to take 1 week off just to try to pull myself together but I didn’t do to well. Most of my customers knew something was wrong I was red eyed for months. The weight loss was fast! People thought I was sick, but that would have been easier to handle than an affair! My husband also felt NO remorse he thought since he was self made he deserved anything he wanted. But if I did this too him he would have thrown me out on the street. Double standards!! I did eventually loose my job because I couldnt concentrate and I was in banking. So I lost my job and my dignity all because he wanted to F*** younger girls than me. As I have told my story before my husband is in AA now for Alcohol and Sex addiction! The two go hand in hand along with the porn sites that shows men younger girls than their wifes. My husband actually thought a 18 year old would want him he was 48! My husband after 4 1/2 years finally gets it, how much he hurt the family and me. If I could do it all over again I would have divorced him it would have been easier I think? But what about the pain I would then have caused by the divorce? Maybe that’s why I stayed? Ther is NO right or wrong answer to all of this do what you have to do to survive! Even though you will cry uncontrollably at nights and not sleep for what seems months. I think I got about 2 to 3 hours a night for 3 months. This is a great site to VENT and feel your not alone! Keep us posted if you like.
Lisa,
Your support in a vent does mean something. Yes, crying I just cry so much. Who knew that a broken heart really does physically hurt?! Over the course of this month he has told me bits and pieces…2 wks ago he spilled. He has been having a affair for 14 yrs while he travels. Then comes home to me. I never had a clue! He tried for 2 wks to break away from this women but her continued stalking and phone call to me and his 91yr old mother was not enough to make him stop. Even her threats to my kids was not enough to make him see the emotional blackmail she was doing. He swore he would not call her but her continued phone calls and his “heart” (as he says) he must follow. So after 30 yrs of marriage I have lost him. I forced him to leave this past Sat. hardest thing I have ever done. I cry always have not eaten since, sleep really?! I contacted him today to see if I too can go to counseling as I am afraid of myself. I just don’t understand…I do not know how to go forward. He’s happy (I assume) and I am sad,alone,depressed and desperate. I come home from work at 4pm and go to bed after a few sleeping pills since if I sleep it does not hurt as much. I am scared….even of myself!
Please get counseling if only to vent! I too felt lost and suicidal even though I thought I could never go to that dark place. I thought I was too strong of a woman to let anyone do anything to me. You are at you weakest right now, think before you do anything! Don’t think of him think of you other family members they would miss you! I have two sons and my parent are still around it would have hurt them the most! You can keep going even through the pain! Only take the pills when you need some sleep and no more than needed. I too have stared at the bottle of pills and wondered? He has made a choice but he still may change it just be prepared but do not dwell on the hope. Keep us posted
Hello Kim
I am not sure if he is back home again, but I really want you to think about why you want him back. You mentioned that he has constantly lied and is still with her, but you want him back, which leads me to believe that maybe you are afraid of being alone?? Which is very common. What you have to think about is if you can be happy with him. I know for me, with all the lies, I just couldn’t be happy with him anymore. To hear from him that it’s over and for him to still cheat is hard to feel good about yourself after that. So just think about how you feel and make that a priority in your life. I wish you the best!
Carrie and Barb,
It seems like both of you are in the devastation period, which is often the most painful experience after the affair. You can’t think straight, have a difficult time eating, and you don’t know if you are going crazy or you are in depression (my free ebook might help).
First, I always recommend no major decisions during this stage, no lawyers, ect, because your mental state is not ready for such discussion. Now is the time to let it be, meaning don’t force anything, you mind needs to just think about the traumatic event and calm down in this period. You can’t control your pain right now meaning you can’t wish it away, it’s too deep. The best thing you can do right now like Lisa suggested is talk and/or write. If you have friends, talk to them. Writing is a very good healer, so write even if it is a personal journal. Let your emotions out, and slowly but surely, you will get through this stage, we all have got through it and you will as well. If you don’t feel like talking to your husband, and he wants to talk, don’t talk. I guess what I am saying is vent, make how you feel a priority, and last but not least, for both of you, realize that you are not alone in this new phase of your life, you have support during your journey.
I guess here is where I write. Lastnight I get a text from “my man” saying, “I maybe right that she is emotionally blackmailing him”! DUH! But again I fall into the pattern of “hold on”…because I still want this love of my life. So my heartaches continue. Why is it I can not let go after such emotional abuse? In my heart I do believe he does love me but he has lust and brain wash from a home wreaker. Everyone, meaning his friends,kids,mom, family and of course me have tried to tell this man we know what he losing…but he still is clouded. I can’t seem to get thru to him. So I hurt, and I do believe he is hurting but still not clear. I can not find strength to move forward or beyond thoughts of hope. We are suppose to talk tonight and I worry that I will grasp on again and then fall again. The roller coaster ride will continue, just how much can I handle? Seeking advice…..
Hello Carrie,
I know how you feel. I just felt that if I could convince my husband to understand how much he stood to lose (me, the house, the kids, our family), then he would wake up and stop the mess. People tried to talk to him, but it was like he didn’t want to listen. Looking back I now know that I can not convince him to do anything, he has to want it for himself. Sadly, my husband woke up, but by the time he did, I was too hurt and it was too late, I was drained and couldn’t take anymore disappointment. Some men do not show their emotions well, they put up a wall and act like they are ok when they are not, which may be the case with your husband. Take it one day at a time, do not force the outcome of any conversation, and try to rest your mind (I know it’s hard to do).
Well ms.jewel im one of those wifes who stay.its about 1yr.ago oct. my husband cheat.he called it a fantasy.he met a transexual that looked exactly like a women.till this day its hard to trust him or believe him.im so depressed and traumatized over all this.im still in pain.i never thought he would ever cheat especialy with a transexual.i was sooo blind.i feel till this day not women enough…it hurts.from all this im on depression meds. since this happened.i love my husband very much but sometimes i feel that we are not ment to be.till this day i still dont know if i could ever trust him and if he really does love me.pleeease help me.family isnt there the way family should.i need advise…..i need help.im not as sure and confident as i use to be.again plz help me.