Comments on: My Story

By: Jewels

Jewels — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 03:19:31 +0000

Hello Michella,

It’s hard to tell if he is work staying, that is the million dollar question. The affair impacts too many core dimensions of the realtionship for you to look at him in the same way as before. If you found texts from other girls, that means his cheating was not just a fluke, he was probably pursuing women. In order for you to work, he has to find it within himself to determine why he felt the need to engage with several women outside of the marriage. If he does not do the work on himself (with therapy or self-work) then history sometimes repeats itself (not saying it will happen but it could happen). Watch his actions, watch how he engages with you, his actions are going to tell you if it is worth staying. Just take a step back and observe for the next couple of weeks, he will show you the answer.

By: michella

michella — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:52:44 +0000

i have been married to my husband for nearly two years and have two babies together, recently found out he slept with a girl a few times an got her pregnant (she lost the baby), i am still with him but the relationship does not fell the same, i am confused and dont know whether to stay with hm or let him go. also i found texts and online chats from other girls too and just want to know is he worth the hassle. please help me

By: Sarah

Sarah — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 13:45:35 +0000

Beth– Trust this…things will crack eventually, and he’ll reveal his true colors, all by himself, especially if he is drinking, and others (judges included) will soon see it. Family court judges have seen it all and heard every story, including the things your husband has done. Court is pressure-filled, and people crack easily and reveal all sorts of things unintentionally. If it’s hard on you, it’s way harder on him, when he’s trying to cover his tracks. It sounds as if he’s had a long time to think about how to deal with your discovery of his affair and has created a strategy to focus blame on you. My ex also got his girlfriend to jump on his blame-game against me. I know it’s frustrating! The hardest part about this will be balancing your shock and anger while remaining clear-headed as you move forward. What helped me the most was finding friends who had seen my ex’s behavior firsthand, had seen him with other women, and who BELIEVED me and backed me up. Find your supporters first. Be with the people who will be willing to speak up for you. You don’t need “friends” right now who “don’t want to get involved”. If you can focus enough, do searches to find out if he has any drunk driving charges, any legal proceedings against him, and keep them for your court records. People who are addicted to alcohol/substances have LOADS of secrets. A little ferreting can reveal a lot, and while it might be unpleasant at first, it can be very empowering. Any information that you can get yourself will save you attorney money and help your cause. Make sure it’s documented on paper for the judge to see. Keep a log, starting today, of everything he does when he contacts you. Sending you big hugs!!

By: Jewels

Jewels — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 05:59:33 +0000

Hello Beth,

Yes, I am not sure what is going on. To not only put your through and affair, but a fiasco with police and lawyers, geez. Maybe he is going this to divert the attention away from the cheating, so he is creating drama elsewhere. Had the OW try to testify in court – ahhh!! I just hope that one day he comes to his sense and acts more reasonable. I am glad that nothing happened with your daughter, and I hope for your sake that the issues with lawyers and charges get taken care of soon, I know you have to dish out some good money to resolve all of this. Take Care.

By: LisaP

LisaP — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 17:42:07 +0000

Beth, Karma will come around to both of them. What a horrible man! Try to keep your cool about everything you do and always record all conversations with him. That way you are protecting yourself and your kids. Life will be hard for awhile and I am sure you can get help from a shelter or church. The voodoo fire is something I too thought of and wished I did some type of physica damage to his things but I thought he would hold it against me in court if we ever went that far. (we never did). Judge will look at the size difference and say really your afraid of her! Lets hope the court see your side of all this and make the right decision.

By: Beth

Beth — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 03:21:40 +0000

I have read a lot of these stories and what the heck is wrong with these guys and the ” ladies” who help them do this. My husband moved out on x-mas day. took the bed and left me with 2 kids, a mortgage, car payment and day care. I’m under-employed at best and then after he’s crying to me that this is so hard for him too- I find he’s cheating on me with the girlfriend he was seeing when he met me 6 + years ago.. Maybe it’s been going on the whole time. This isn’t the worse part. After I found out and confronted him and yelled at him- he tried to have me arrested. Had the cops come with court orders to take mt 4 year old daughter with him away. Had restraining orders and domestic violence orders put against me. I have had to go to court with a lawyer to fight the charges and have the police reports to prove that I was in the clear and all of it was dropped. After spending how huch in lawyers fees and time and the horror my kids had to go through when the police were screaming they were going to kick my door in to get her away… Sorry for the run on sentence.. If only he left anything valuable I could burn in a small voodoo fire of some sort.. He is still trying to fight me in court and won’t pay chid support. He insists on having his mother ” facilitate the transfer” of our daughter. I’m guessing because the drunk bum can’t look me in the eye yet- guilty..He had the tramp in court to testify against me ( never got that far) and she filed a motion to get off the case because she ” never had a relationship while we were married” ; he dummy- we’re still married- only filed for divorce last week.. duh…He will only meet me at the police station because he must still be scared for his life- he is 6’2″ 220 lb construction worker harley rider and I’m 5’2 130 lb stay at home mom.. The most I’ve ever threatened him with is my lawyer.. All in the courts hands now.. Someday when the court stuff is over I will still think he is a crappy man and dad. even though it hasnt been going well in the marriage- mostly his drinking – I had hope.. Sometimes when its over its over.. I’ll be waiting for Karma to come around….

By: Lydia

Lydia — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 11:04:41 +0000

Thank you JB.
I’ve taken your support and words of wisdom/advice to heart and have decided to focus my mind on my baby and on what I want for myself and our child. Ultimately, I am not sure if I’ll ever trust him again and if I find that I can’t, I will end it. I don’t want my baby growing up in a household of mistrust and hidden lies. That’s where I am at right now. I haven’t decided anything. I’m waiting until we start counseling together to see where it goes. I still feel like I’m swinging on an emotional pendulum. I need to gather my strength.
Thank you.

By: JB

JB — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 17:18:01 +0000

Lydia, I am so happy for you and your beautiful baby- cherrish these moments-my babies are now teenagers and you will blink and they will be grown- so don’t let his on-line affairs take that from you and your baby. First of all, you are not crazy, not going insane, you are in shock my friend. All of us here have gone through this, and it is hard and painful to say the least. You are in a very fragile state right now just having a baby and so you have all those new mom emotions also. You MUST take care of YOU! Your baby depends on you and that has to be your focus right now. Jewels, the woman who started this blog has a free e-book that might help- you should download it. She too was pregnant when her husband cheated, and she survived – and so will you. We all have those same thougths, daily temptations, will they do it again, why did they do such a thing, weren’t we good enough, etc… The answers are Yes, we were good enough- our husbands made very poor choices and couldn’t contain themselves when it comes to sex. Yes, we know our husbands- just not this dark secret side of them that led them down a path of self-destruction. Will they do it again? Well, some will and some won’t– it just depends on if they are willing to get help- if they truly feel remorse- and if they are willing to be completely open and honest with themselves and with us. I know you feel like you are on the edge of a cliff, but instead of a cliff- think of it as a mountain- a turning point in your life– the other side of the mountian is full of new discoveries – if you are willing and open to it- recovery from this experience will teach you so much about yourself, your inner strength, and your marriage. You can’t do this work for your husband- he has to do it for himself- you can’t force him to seek help- if he truly wants to save your marriage he will do it- I promise– but HE has to do it. My husband had a full blown affair with a friends wife— you said you felt hurt just being in the same house while he was doing this on the computer. So normal- how could you be so blind to it all? Well, how about having to deal with them having sex in YOUR bed!– many times. All of us here have stories, all different, but all the same- we were all betrayed and all have broken hearts– I say this to help you realize that you are not alone- you are not lost– we are all here for you–get it out– these emotions are causing you too much stress- your body is telling you this (your breast milk)– get it all out–scream- yell- type whatever it takes– we all know– and lean on us- we truly understand. My advice to you is to focus on YOU! What do you want? not necessarily with your husband but as a woman and now a mom. What do you want for you? What are your needs? What makes you feel good about yourself? Go out and do something for you! Give yourself that much needed ego boost. Get a haircut, exercise, go to a book club, meet new friends, etc.. whatever you desire. As you start to put yourself first , you will find the strength to start healing your broken heart- and if your husband does his part -you both will be able to come back together and heal your marriage. We all love our husbands, we all thought we were married to the right guy- and we all thought we were happy. You have to remmember that he was trying to fullfill something that was missing in his life or cover up something that he doesn’t want to deal with(and honestly he probably doesn’t know what made him do this-he doesn’t have those answers for you right now– I know it took my husband months of therapy to start finding his answers)- most likely it has nothing what-so-ever to do with you. For some reason he got a sense of temporary relief from these fantansy computer encounters –temporary I stress–because he continued (just like my husband) and fantasy- because it wasn’t reality– it was pure fantasy. When you caught him, he was slapped with reality again, and he realized that he was about to loose it all. The stronger you become and the more you put your and your babys needs first, the more he will realize that his stupid, immature, and self-centered behavior has put him in a big hole- the only way for him to get out is for him to work on himself so he can figure out why he needed something like that in the first place. You want to be his partner, wife, and lover– not his babysitter. Don’t beat yourself up for your feelings of not seeing this either- they are all very good liars and great at secrets– again part of that fantasy they tried to escape to-lots of bad energy is put into keeping affairs alive. Affairs hurt – plain and simple. I want you to know that there is hope. My marriage did survive my husbands affair- as did many others here. We also are still in therapy together and individually. Even after 30 years together, I can now say… I truly know the man that my husband is and I know he is worthy of my love. It is HARD work for everyone involved, but if you both want it – you can have it all. A open, honest, trust worthy partnership with your best friend and lover. It can happen! For now, find you again- you are a strong woman- and you know you can make it through a crisis- you have done it before– this time don’t rely on him to make it ok for you- find that power within yourself. Reach out when you need us- stay strong Lydia you are worthy of having it all. Peace and Blessings

By: Lydia

Lydia — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 09:24:03 +0000

I just found out 5 days ago that my husband has been cheating online for years. He says it started 2008, but I’ve found evidence that it started 2006. He’s a member of several sexsites, has exchanged pictures with other women , has exchanged emails and they’ve written fantasies to each other, he’s sex-chatted with these women through msn messenger and has even had cyber sex with them. He “claims” that he’s “only” had sexchat with around 50, and cam sex with 6.
2008 was a tough time for both of us career wise, 2009 I got pregnant for the first time in my life and lost my baby 5 months into my pregnancy. Needless to say that I was in mourning and depressed and we went to counseling together. I thought that I was so lucky to have such a supportive husband. Throughout 2010 we talked, took a vacation together and had a great time and tried to have another baby. Throughout all this, he cheated (sexting, websites, cam 2 cam). He even made a video of himself when I was about to have my babyshower. 2011 I’ve since finally had my beautiful baby. Well, he even cheated then with another woman only waiting mere weeks after I gave birth. It happened while my baby and I were asleep in bed together and he was down stairs. I almost died having my baby! I bleed out and lost a lot of blood. I was so tired, anemic and drained.
It devestates me that he could betray me, us (my child and I), so deeply and during moments when I needed him the most. He admits that if I hadn’t caught him, he’d most likely would have continued but now he sees what he has and doesn’t want to lose it. I told him I think that’s the overwhelming popular statement of all cheating husbands, at least those that feel guilty about it.
I feel like I never knew him and never had him. I am so scared because he works with computers for a living and there’s no way for me to stay one step ahead of him. His temptation will face him everyday. I feel like no matter what the situation: sorrow, happiness, parenthood, he’ll cheat. Nothing is sacred to him, it’s so scary. I thought we were so happy. I thought I was so lucky to have him in my life. I feel like such a fool and have such low self-esteem right now. On top of all this, it has greatly affected my milk production. I am ashamed to say that I have even had sex with him since. He is going to start going through couseling on Monday, but I did it because A) He claims stress is his trigger, and I’m afraid he’ll stray, B) I am in such need of comfort and I feel so alone (We are from different countires, I moved here for him), C) I wanted to show him how it could’ve been. I’ve since stopped this self-destructive behaviour.
I feel so lost and alone. Please help? I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff.

By: Jewels

Jewels — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 01:57:42 +0000

Hello Di,

We are going to have to do some work on wording . First things first, you wrote ‘I do not blame him for it all I blame myself’. Yes, you shut down. We all have shut down in our lives, it’s not possible to be human and be perfect. So I get that after 35 years of marriage a couple of years you shut down. And I can see how you can accept how you shutting down hurt or impacted your husband. But when you shut down, that doesn’t give your husband a ‘Cheat for free’ card – no no no. He could of talked to you, got counseling, there are tons of options, he chose to cheat. Let me repeat – he choose to cheat, has nothing to do with you. He used you shutting down as a reason to cheat, but at the end of the day, you can not make another person lie and go have sex with another person, he has to take accountability for his actions.

Stupid me – why do you feel that way? Just because the last years were not great does not discount the 35 years you were together. The good times you had with him are still there. Instead of saying stupid me, say that, the man I married 35 years ago has changed.

I think you are having a hard time because you are too hard on yourself, beating yourself up for things you did not do. You will be able to let go once you value yourself and your feelings more than you value your husbands. Take Care!