Marriage is really tough when you find out your husband has cheated. The reason why is that you and your husband are so vested. You typically put in a year’s worth of time, money, and effort just to get married. You probably have joint bills that you cannot pay alone. House, cars, all joint property. And many married couples have kids – which complicates marriage in every way.
If you’re dating and you find out he cheated, you can just walk away, simple (of course if you are dating and have a kid, it’s another story). If you’re living with someone, it is harder, but once that lease is up, you can leave. When you’re married – you have two tasks, leaving and getting a divorce. Divorce doesn’t typically happen right away, and here are 4 reasons why:
1. Divorce is not cheap. If you get a lawyer involved in the US, it is around $2500 retainer. Because you probably don’t trust your cheating husband anyway, most times women need to get a lawyer. But many women (including myself - Too Broke to Leave Husband) don’t have 2500$ lying around to hire one, at least not initially.
2. Once you get a lawyer, you have to meet, fill out paperwork, decide custody, who is going to get what, retirement, etc. So on top of crying about my cheating husband, raising kids, working full time, and stressing out about the demise of my family, congratulations, you now have to find time to do the pre-work for divorce. It is such a daunting task; you delay it because of the mental stress it is going to cause.
3. As women, you are faced with a tough dilemma, stay miserable, but have a few more dollars in your pocket, or go out on your own, potentially be happy, but be totally broke. Now I know that statement is not true for everybody, but that is exactly how I felt. That type of thinking delayed my decision to move out and proceed with divorce. Read Infidelity and Economy for more on this.
4. With marriage, you can’t just leave and start a new life; you are in a legally binding document with a husband that has portrayed you in the worst way. So the thought of working on a divorce with this individual is hard to think about. (This is why lawyers get paid so much!).
5. Last but not least, divorce is typically delayed because of the children involved. No one wants to have their child suffer from an affair in the family. So many couples delay the decision until they had time to think about the impact that it will have on the kids.
I just wanted to share this perspective because I don’t think everyone understands what a woman has to go through in making such a tough decision after the affair. I hope my husband and I can come to a civil agreement, but sometimes I get nervous because each day that I am in the house with him, the relationship and friendship gets worse and worse.
-Jewels
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This is so true. I have mentally left the relationship, 2 years since finding out about multiple cheating, but I have stayed exactly because of the above reasons. Yes it does feel like jail. I feel so trapped, I have no desire to stay but the alternatives just seem so hard and even if I leave, there is no guarantee of happiness on the other side, just poverty and lonliness and being a single mother. So here I stay, unhappy, trapped.
Jewels, your stories and thoughts are very insightful into what I am experiencing. A bit of comfort for me to know that I am not so alone.