3 Reasons Why Online Cheating is So Popular

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If you found your husband talking to other women online, realize that women all over the world are discovering the same thing with their husbands. In my opinion, online cheating is literally an epidemic. Because this type of cheating is fairly new (since the internet has only been around for most people to use for about twenty years), people all over the world are also trying to figure out how to deal with online cheating. Here is my theory on why I feel it is so popular:

1. Ease. Some statistics that say that men think about sex every five minutes. This doesn’t change when they get online. The problem is that the access to sex online is instant. It can be in the form of porn sites, dating sites, and chat rooms. In the past, you’d usually have to order a magazine for pornography. Now you walk to the computer, type porn, and there it is. When your man is constantly bombarded with sex on the internet, this doesn’t exactly help you keep your marriage together. When G-String 69 is doing all this crazy stuff with her body, the husband that is watching has to in some way compare that when engaging with the wife, even if it is sub-consciously.
2. Addictiveness. Just like with cheating, your husband thinks he is just going on a porn site to take a look, or chatting with a random chick to have a little fun for a night. The problem is, the next night he’ll tell himself the same thing. Then both of you get in a fight, and back he goes to the chat room or porn site. Before he knows it, he is addicted. Just like a video game addict gets caught up in a fantasy world, men get caught up in the world of online sex. Usually, the chats turn into calls, which then turn into visits, then into an affair.

3. “But it’s not actually cheating!” Men typically don’t think flirting with women online is actually cheating. If we catch it too soon we are being nags and need to loosen up, just having some innocent fun online. Yes, it starts out so innocent. And then the interactions become more frequent, the casual flirting in a chat room continues onto a casual flirting on the phone, and then casual flirting in person – then BAM – affair.

I think some people who start off online think they can control themselves, and things get way out of hand. This is happening all over the world, and we need to discuss the problem more because I see it increasing, not decreasing.

  • B25 December 23, 2010, 7:05 PM

    i found out my husband was chatting up woman on the internet the 1st time i was really upset confronted him about it he didnt have much to say just apologised and stoped useing the web site ( the site wasnt a dateing site it was a forum like facebook and twitter)

    it was soon for gotten and we got married the second time wasnt long after we got married ( i know some people wont agree with what i did the next few times but i had to know for sure)
    he started acting odd staying up late to be online and closeing pages fast when i walked into the room ,i know more about computers than he does so i cheaked a few thing on the computer and there it was again same web site same conversations so i called up a friend and we talked about it she offered to pretend to be someone else and contact him and see how far he would go i agreed so she went about making a profile and contacking my husband it didnt take long for him to start chatting her up she sent me emails showing the conversations and they were very graphic and x rated she asked for a photo and this is the thing that killed me inside he sent her a pic of him on our wedding day and said it was his sisters wedding i felt numb i was so hurt but it didnt end there he soon wanted to meet up in person a day and time was set on the day he came to me and said it was his bosses birthday and he was invited to go out with them and that he was getting picked up and dropped home then left i called up my friend and she was suprised he had left , when he came home i tolled him eveything he said he didnt do it and didnt do anything wrong so i pack my stuff up and drove 7 hrs to my mums place within 2 weeks i was back with him he appologised and prommised not to do it again but never tolled me why he did it

    about a month later i get an email from someone i didnt know with chat history from msn messenger in it haveing the same stuff in it the woman was apologiseing sayingshe didnt know he was married and that she thought i needed to know what he was up to i packed my stuff and left without a note or a phone call befor he got home from work all i left was a print out of the chat history

    i went to mums we talked and mum said i should try sort it out see if it can be fixed and if not to get the rest of my stuff

    so i called my husband up we talked and he gave me the i didnt do anything wrong crap so i tolled him we were over i then went out and ran into an old friend i slept with him i didnt regret it at all

    i went back to get my stuff from my place and my husband had cleaned up the place cooked a dinner and got me presents long story short we got back together i tolled my husband that id been with someone else and he flipped out so i snapped and said well now u know how i feel we both agreed to work on our marrage and 3 months later we got pregnant

    and so far he hasnt chatted anyone up on the net that i know of ,i cant even look at our wedding pictures at all they stay in the box never to see the light of day it hurts to much to look at them

    well thats my story i welcome any feed back and opinions

    • Jewels December 23, 2010, 11:50 PM

      Hello B25,

      Welcome to the site. Well I have to say your technique in having your friend pose as another woman was pretty good. I actually caught my breathe a little bit when you said the part about him sending the wedding pic, that was probably extremely painful to you (it was painful just me reading it). So here is what I think (keep in mind it’s just my opinion). You have 3 occasions where he has contacted other women in a sexual/flirtatious manner. Since it is 3 instances, I would not put it past him to do it again. He might be acting good now, but what typically happens is when things get tough, they resort back to their old ways. Does that mean you have to pack up and leave – not really. You have a child. There are a lot of things you have to ask yourself. If you really want to work things out, I would consider that you both look into couples therapy as a start. If you want to leave but just not now (for whatever reason), you have that option. Just keep it cool, focus on the baby, and don’t really worry about next steps until after the baby. Or you can leave now. It really depends. The one thing that you have to keep in mind is that since he did this before, you should always be thinking about your plan B for your life (plan B meaning without him). So that if that day comes where you decide to leave, you have already got a pretty solid plan in place, especially given his past history. Good luck with everything, especially the baby!! Take Care!!

      -Jewels

  • B25 December 24, 2010, 12:28 AM

    thanx jewels

    yes it was very painful still is by useing one of our wedding pitures he has reuned that day for me and i cant get that back

    i will be looking into sorting out a plan B ,i have a feeling that he will do it again and if you go by his past behaviour he most likely will

    i do feel alot better geting this out and im thankfull for your web site being here and knowing im not alone

    • Jewels December 24, 2010, 4:27 PM

      No problem B25, keep in touch!

  • Edward January 8, 2011, 11:20 AM

    I feel that chatting with another male or female online is fine as long as it doesn’t end up dating or seeing each others. I chat with other women and it gave me pleasure knowing I can still attract other women (I’m in my 70th). I’ve never met any women I chatted with and I have no intention of meeting. The saying, “it’s greener at the other side of the fence” holds true in some cases and most, men or women, want to try something new. . . it’s the bad side of us that comes out in chatting. We all fantasized and chatting is part of the fantasies, whether we admit ir or not. I strongly feel chatting with other men or woman is fine as long as no body contact are involved.

    • Jewels January 8, 2011, 10:27 PM

      Hello Edward,
      Chatting online is a very slippery scope. Most men start out this way as something to ‘boost their ego’ with no intention of doing anything physical. And then things change and next thing you know your in a full out affair. I get the fantasy part, my husband talked to the OW in a very naughty nature that he did not with me. The thing that is a little troubling is that you mention it is a pleasure to know that you can still attract other women. That makes me feel this is something your doing to make yourself feel good, the problem is, if you like it, your going to want more and what’s stopping you from taking it to the next level? I am glad that your strong enough not to contact any of the women you have chatted with, but not that confident that your going to keep that status forever. Do you not feel comfortable talking to your wife about these feelings and fantasies? Maybe she has the same desires as well?? Again, no one likes someone to smile in their face and slap them in the back, and to get that kind of treatment from your husband is very difficult. I think she would be less hurt (either way she would be hurt) if you were just honest with her about your feelings versus talking to women online without her knowing. If she knows that you do this already and she is ok with it – totally different story.

  • Amy February 26, 2011, 9:43 AM

    HI

    This website is fantastic, i’ve been with my husband 23 years, i found out at the beginning of last year that he had an affair, which went on for at least 4 months or maybe more don’t know if he’s telling the truth when he says 4 months it was with a work colleague of his, the hurt he caused was something i’ve never experienced before and wouldn’t wish the pain on anyone, i forgave him for the affair even though it kills me every day knowing that they see each other in work, she was also married, but the arguments started things were really bad so he moved out, we kept in touch over the 3 months he didn’t live with me, we went out for drinks etc a bit like dating again, so after 3 months he moved back in, that was in January this year, i obviously don’t trust him anymore so i checked the history on his internet last night and i nearly had a heart attack when i found he was chatting to women in these chat rooms, telling them what he would like them to do to him etc well im devastated, he says it was harmless fun and that it’s not cheating, he’s smashed his phone and said to save our marriage he won’t ever have a mobile again, but he could easily have one without me knowing thats how much i don’t trust him anymore, my confidence is zero i feel worthless after this, i asked him why and was i not good enough for him he says he loves me and can’t live without me, he’s the only man i’ve ever been with and the only man i’ve slept with i don’t why he’s got this hold on me it’s like i cant let go.

    • Jewels February 26, 2011, 9:48 PM

      Hello Amy,

      You’re not alone in your feelings, but you are more powerful than you ever will know, you might feel broken down right now, but you will gain strength each and everyday, that is my hope for you. I know because I have been there.

      My LOWEST point in this entire ordeal was when I took him back, after being completely devastated, only to find out months later he was still seeing her. It’s almost like at that point you’re so mentally beaten up, your hopes, your dreams, it is unreal, so I know how hurtful that can be.

      I also know it took a great deal and time an effort, but I am in a better place now, and you will be as well. Sometime after 23 years, people change. And unfortunately, sometimes when men get caught cheating, it’s like an addiction, they keep running back because of the excitement of it. Your biggest problem in staying in the marriage is that you now have to figure out how you can not feel depressed and worthless and still be married. Some people go to therapy and really work things out. For me personally, I just couldn’t feel confident around him anymore, so I moved out. You literally got heartbroken last night, so you probably just need some time to think, rest, and heal from the trauma of what you just saw on the internet. In time your emotions will lead you to the right answer, and it that takes a couple of months, then so be it, it’s been 23 years, so you have a lot to think about. Take care, and sorry to hear about your situation, it’s all too familiar (even the part about the phone, my husband didn’t smash it, but got rid of it after I found out the 2nd time – temporarily). Keep in touch and thanks for the kind words about the site.

  • Amy February 27, 2011, 6:18 PM

    Thanks for your reply it helps knowing that other people know exactly what you’re going through, since all this happened i can’t help wondering if there are any decent men out there who don’t cheat, because i know a lot of men, family members etc have cheated on their wives/partners, i truly believe that the majority of men are lying cheats, i know women cheat aswell, something i’ve never done, but i can’t help this feeling, it would be a lot easier to deal with this if i hated him but i love him i can’t help my feelings, but at the moment im numb and as i sit here while hes in work, i honestly feel that i couldn’t care less anymore!! maybe that’s me learning to be stronger because they do say what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and that saying is so true, i don’t think he can hurt me like that again it’s like my body won’t accept the hurt anymore, but one thing i have decided is that im putting MYSELF first from now on, lots of girly nights out, going out and having fun!!!! my kids are grown up so haven’t got any ties, i also believe in Karma, i won’t take revenge by cheating myself it’s not something i want to do i don’t believe in it, so i will wait for Karma to do it’s thing!

    • Jewels February 28, 2011, 10:34 PM

      Yes Amy – love the attitude about putting yourself first, you have to. I see myself in you, I was right where you were at one point in my life, and I know what you mean about him not acting like he is as devastated as I was, that was shocking for me, it’s like do you care at all?? His brother actually told me that I will come out of this experience stronger than ever before. I held on to that line and said it to myself many times, and you know what, he was right, I am stronger and more confident than I have ever been. Can’t wait to hear about your personal success story, keep in touch!!

  • Jane July 7, 2011, 11:08 AM

    Hi,
    I have found out only four days ago that my husband of 16years is spending up to two hours a day online checking out porn videos and searching for escort and adult companions in our area. I was shocked. I have packed up my bags, my two years old son and we have gone to live with my parents. He has denied all of this but when I showed him the evidence on the computer he finally gave in. Now he is begging me to come back but I feel that I am unable to trust him and trust that he has not been with a prostitute. Apparently he has been into online porn ever since our baby was born! He was working for two years in the Middle East. Only now I am learning about porn addiction (something I would laugh about last week!) and taking it very seriously. Considering a divorce but still dont have a 100percent certainty, what if he is saying the truth, what if it was “innocent” if online porn can be? What do you think?

    • Jewels July 7, 2011, 10:08 PM

      Hello Jane,

      I personally believe internet porn is an addiction. Those images are a fantasy world that men can easily get caught up in. If it was just porn, that is one thing, but you have a couple other things going on which needs attention.

      1. He has been lying and denying until there was proof. So trust is destroyed, that has to be built up, especially if he travels alot.

      2. Watching porn is one thing, trying to find local escorts in the area is another thing. That is taking it to the next level.

      If I were in your shoes, I would not make any decision about divorce at this time, you just found out, your emotions are in overdrive right now and you are not in the right state to make sure a big decision.

      Take some time and evaluate the situation. Does your husband really want to work on the marriage. Is he willing to not have a computer? Is he willing to share his phone freely at any time? He has to be really serious about restoring the trust for this to work. Don’t rush the decision, but don’t think about it for years as well:). Trust your own instinct when considering if you should stay or leave. Make sure he is committed, because to restore the damage takes alot of work. I wish you and your husband the best in whatever you decide to do.

      -Jewels

  • Karen July 25, 2011, 10:50 AM

    My husband was on second life ( a game where you can also role play) he played a master and had slaves. i could see his screen so i thought all was ok. well he was always with this one slave and i kept asking him about her. he told me it was only role play, like co-authors. and they never talked about anything personal. then he started acting strange about me talking to some guy online that is from a support chat group im in. he never cared before. i had this bad gut feeling so the next day when he went to work i checked his log history for second life. it was deleted but (what i find strange yet meant to be) it was in recycle bin still. so i pulled it up and saw only IM’s he had from two weeks before, nothing before, nothing after, just those few days in between, so i read them and found out that a few weeks earlier (i read the IM’s a little over a month ago now) well she was talking to him about coming down to visit him. and he was asking what hotel and such. on a saturday he told me he had to work. well that was the saturday he met up with her.and i read the IM of them talking the next day about how good it was and such. i was shocked. he actually went to that hotel and had sex with her. and i was reading a bit of the details. its one thing to find out but to read what they said to each other made me sick. well long story short. i told him i knew and how i found out. we talked it out on a thursday and went to counciling that saturday. we also bought a work book called ” torn asunder” about recovering from an affair. he deleted second life from his computer. seems late at night after i go to bed on weekends is when he would really talk personal with her. but we are now trying to work it out. our communication has finally gotten alot better. i still cry a few times a week. and think of so much about it all every single day since i found out. but in time im sure it will be less and less. i still dont trust him, and i still check his computer now and then. so far nothing bad is on it as far as i can see. but i still worry. if i find out things are still going on i think id freak. i cant take going through all this again. it was a one night stand and he says that they only had contact in second life . he even says he only knew her screen name, which i find a bit odd. i keep asking him questions now and then. trying to make since of it all. but sometimes it feels things dont add up. he says they were only friends and he was just gonna meet her and he knew i wouldnt like that, so he kept it a secret. but then after they went site seeing and went back to hotel, she leaned over and kissed him and called him master, and i guess started playing their little role play game in real life this time. he said he didnt intend on doing anything like that , that it just happened. but i still tend not to believe him. im not sure what to believe any more. i just know i dont want to be naive about it all. yet i want us to work out our marriage. we have been married 8 years now. this isnt my first marriage. i have grown kids and i thought i would grow old with this man. i never ever thought he could or would ever cheat on me. i know first hand how this internet stuff can effect so many marriages. even our councilor said we are not the first couple that he had seen that had marriage problems due to second life. they play a fantasy then try to play it out in real life. to me thats just common since that it wouldnt be the same. oh well.

    • Jewels July 26, 2011, 12:40 AM

      Hello Karen,
      This is the first second life story on the site. I remember hearing about second life years ago, I didn’t realize it was still active, and definitely didn’t know people are using it to meet others online. I am glad you are in counseling and trying to work things out. Crying is normal. This isn’t something you go to a couple of sessions and you are now back to the perfect marriage. The marriage interactions will never be the same as before, but it can be better than before (if that makes any sense). The key is for you and your husband to understand that rebuilding trust from such a low level takes time, and effort. Each time he does something to build trust, it’s like putting a drop of water in an empty bucket. The scary thing is that the bucket could get almost full and one action can cause all the water to fall out. So far, your husband it putting drops in, and if he continues to do that, you will slowly start to re-build your marriage. The fact that it was a one night stand it a good thing, some people have to deal with this, and the women lives next door! I believe that reading those steamy emails about your husband with someone else is so traumatic, seriously, that messes us up mentally, hopefully the counselor will help you through that, because if you don’t heal that trauma, it can cause problems in your marriage. I hope things work out for you.

  • Karen July 28, 2011, 3:49 AM

    thank you Jewels. its really been hard, and it seems i find myself trying so hard to change, like looking better, acting happier around him. like im trying to win him back or something. i dont get that part at all. and another thing that really bugged me about all this is he hadnt had sex with me in two years, yet then goes and has it with her. he made it sound to me like he had a medical problem, but obviously he didnt. and even now he doesnt seem to be interested in me sexually even though he says he is. he sure dont act like it. after he cheated i wanted to have sex. im not sure why yet . but anyways, i came on to him. and he still has not come on to me to show me he is interested in me as well. im still so confused.

    • Jewels July 29, 2011, 2:14 AM

      Hello Karen,

      It’s important that you get to the bottom of him not showing interest of wanting to have sex (you have already been through enough with him cheating!). You are going to end up having some deep resentment for him if he had sex with her, and not you. You probably wanted to have sex after he cheated in order to make him realize what he is missing, and because sex is a physically bond between two people, it sometimes validates us and makes everything ok (it didn’t do that in my case, but i understand your urge for it after the affair). You wanted to make sure you still had your husband. I believe you are in marriage counseling. If so, you might want to bring this up as this is critical to the marriage. You can not be happy in a marriage with him if he doesn’t want to have sex, especially since you know it’s not a medical issue and that he had sex with someone else. It’s important that you feel that he is interested in you, important for the marriage, your self-esteem, everything.

  • Sandra August 5, 2011, 8:37 PM

    I found out 3 months ago my husband was cheating. He thought he caught an STD and was taking meds which I found. He said he wanted to die. I made him tell me everything. It had been going on for 2 1/2 years. My gut told me there was something not quite right but I tried to dismiss it. I should’ve listened to my instinct. Initially he tried to say he cheated because we didn’t have enough sex. Then he said he cheated because I was stressed and overwhelmed with work. Then he said he cheated because he has low self esteem. Blah, blah, blah!!!
    He said it all started as friendly chatting with women from different parts of the country. Then it became erotic chat and he sought something closer. He used Adult Friend Finder and Ashley Madison. He said he didn’t go on to look for anything. I wanted him to show me his profile but he said he deleted it. So I checked out the site. I was so offended by what I found. I was so distraught. He kept apologizing and saying how sorry he was and that he didn’t know what type of site it was, trying to B.S. his way out of it. He then said all his hook ups were married women. I wanted a divorce because to me, marriage is a vow to be sexually exclusive. He said he wouldn’t give me one. So then I asked for an open relationship. He said I was hurting him. What about the hurt he caused me? I thought we had good communication. We spent all our free time together, we ate together, cuddled together. How could he say we had problems? He had a problem. He said he realized it was him. He asked if we could try to work things out and go on mini dates. I said, what has changed? We did that before, we’ve always done that. He said we did but he wasn’t really there. So I decided fine, we will have our mini dates, but there were so many triggers. So I decided two can play the game you played. So I created a profile on AM. It was hard. But I did it. I met a few men. I hooked up. I let him know. He was devastated. I have never seen him so distraught. He said it made him realize how much in love he is with me. Whatever. Now he knows the pain he caused me. And I’m I don’t recommend you hook up but like I told him, tit for tat…

    • Jewels August 8, 2011, 1:18 AM

      Hello Sandra. I find it hard to believe he has no idea what AM was, and he signed up not knowing. It’s almost as if I feel he is in denial of what he has done. But I guess you going on Ashley Madison yourself might of work him up! Now that you are even you both have to decide what to do next. He has to be honest with you on what he was doing, or else you are always going to wonder if he is being honest or not. He doesn’t want a divorce, great, but what is he doing to save the marriage, did he set up counseling, buy books? Recovery from this is extremely hard, so he is going to have to do more than just say ‘I want to work things out’ in order for it to work. He has got to step up if he wants to save the marriage, talking about how much pain he is in is not going to make it work. Now that he realizes how much he loves you, great, time for him to but in some hard work to save his marriage, if you want to save it as well I am sure you will meet him halfway. Best of luck to you.

  • Carey August 28, 2011, 6:45 PM

    Hi Jewels

    I found my boyfriend at the time was watching porn a bit which didn’t worry me but then I found some chat room stuff – he promised to stop it right away and I trusted that he did…..until this morning…

    I jumped onto check my facebook this morning and a pseudo profile popped up – he has again been talking to the same women, just smutty stuff but quite grapic.

    In the last 12 months though, our situation has changed dramatically – we are now married and I am pregnant with our first child.

    He has admitted to everything but tells me he has never slept with any of these women. I’m gobsmacked to be honest – just can’t believe that he would put our marriage in jeopardy like this?? I travel away for work and he speaks to them only when I am away.

    I have suggested that he seeks help by himself and then we have some form of counselling together…but quite honestly, I want to leave him right now.

    What are your thoughts, do you have any suggestions?
    Carey

    • Jewels August 28, 2011, 11:19 PM

      Hello Carey, darn it, the ol chat room technique…sorry to hear that. I know you stated that he only does it when you are away for work, but that is not cool. So now every time you go away, you have to think about what he is doing instead of focusing on work. You say what you suggested (individual and joint counseling), but then you say you really just want to leave, which I think if your intuition, which is typically not far off. I guess it depends on your ability to leave. If you have the means (somewhere to live, support from family/friends) to leave, then I think your intuition is telling you something. If you live in the US, he is going to have to pay support to help with the child, they are expensive :). Even if you leave, you can do so and then watch to see what he does. Does he set up marriage counseling, did he sign up for counseling on his own? If he doesn’t then it’s probably not worth keeping him because he is not willing to change himself, and you can’t make him. He promised to stop it right away….and he started back up, not a good sign in my opinion, you are going to have major trust issues if you stay, just my 2 cents 🙂

  • Carey August 29, 2011, 6:01 PM

    Thanks Jewels for your response, I also have read your E-Book which I have already found really helpful. Can I ask, did you stay with your husband afterwards? My husband has gone and sought help via counselling & I think I am still in shock to be honest. It’s so disheartening to find out my husband would jepordise something that I considered rock solid! I’m quite hormonal at present being only 10 weeks pregnant so this hasn’t helped my somewhat irrational headspace. What to do now shapes the rest of our life so while I want to run away, I also want to sort out our issues….it’s so hard!

    Thanks again Jewels…

    • Jewels September 1, 2011, 9:30 PM

      Carey,

      Yes it is hard!! Hardest thing I ever went through. Me personally, left my husband. I now live alone with my two kids, and I am happier. BUT I didn’t leave right away. From the time I decided to leave until I left, over a year had passed. I needed to save up and mentally prepare to raise two small children on my own. Everyone is different. Your boyfriend is getting counseling, which is good. Being pregnant and going through this is hard, don’t let anyone rush you into making a decision, BUT at the same time, I would stay in the ‘do I stay/do I leave’ stage forever, because it is mentally challenging. I really think your boyfriend will give you the answer through his actions, without much help on your part. Good luck!

  • Marisol September 10, 2011, 1:10 AM

    I’m not really looking for any advice, just a place to share where others will understand. My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. Before we were married he struggled with looking at pornography online, felt very guilty, ashamed, and remorseful about this when he did it, and would confess and ask me to forgive him. When we got married nothing started right away, but about 18 months in I discovered him looking at porn again AND chatting with women online. We went to marriage counseling, and that really helped, but a few years later I came home from work for lunch and caught him chatting with women again. This time was different, I wasn’t angry at all, just hurt, SO hurt.

    The last few years I have suspected it many times, but when I asked he said he was not doing anything inappropriate online. Tonight he went out, and I just had this feeling to check his computer, I discovered chats to multiple women with x-rated conversations. He has on-going chats (not just IM, also webcam), with several of them. One woman asked if he was married, he said yes, and she said that she would not talk to anyone that was sneaking around on their wife.

    We do not have children, and this is one of the primary reasons that I have not been ready to expand our family. I’m scared that our marriage will not last because of this behavior and my dreams of being a mother will be shattered. I am 29, I’ll be 30 in January. I still have time, but not nearly as much as time to have children as I did 10 years ago when we got married. I’m scared that it won’t last, and I will lose my opportunity to be a mother, which I want to be more than anything.

    I love my husband, but this addiction is tearing us apart and slowly eating away at his soul. I have moved on from feelings of inadequacy, lack of confidence, and insecurity. This addiction is very much about him, not me, but I am suffering.

    • Jewels November 19, 2011, 4:05 AM

      (I apologize for the delayed response, not sure how I missed these posts from a while back!!)

      Marisol,

      It’s interesting how you mentioned that you just had a feeling and checked his computer. Our instincts usually spot on. It does appear that your husband has an addiction, I almost sense that he feels the need to seek validation from multiple women online. You stated that you went through counseling a few years ago and it helped, nothing wrong with doing it again. At the end of the day, I think you have to look within yourself and think about what you want to do and how much your husband is willing to work on his problem. I know you want kids, and as your probably know having a child would complicate things greatly (if you got pregnant it would be ok, just complicate things). If you want to be a mommy you will be one regardless if you stay in the marriage, take care look forward to an update.

      Gatybu –

      Those works ‘Get over it’ make me cringe in terms of saying that to you, I even wrote a post about that phrase that you can read here – Cheating Man . I think cheating husbands have a hard time understanding how emotionally traumatizing this is. It makes you constantly question yourself. You are always thinking is there more. You want to know but you don’t want to be paranoid, you want to work on the marriage but you don’t want to feel like a fool, you want to move on….but you can’t. The irony of the phase get over it is that you do so by talking and communicating and bringing things up like you did. You do not want to get to the point where you are suppressing those feelings. Give us an update when you get a chance.

      Sue – Thank you for your kind words. Seeing what you saw is traumatic, it’s not something you just sweep under the rug and move on. This is what makes it so hard – the cheater wants to not hear about it so that they are not reminded of the ‘bad deeds’, meanwhile as the wife, we need to talk about it to make us feel confident that what you are saying is the truth. You mentioned something about him lying and how that hurt you. I felt the same way, when I found out about the affair I was hurt, but it hurt me more that he was not honest when I asked him initially about things, I was really hurt that he would lie to try to cover up. It’s natural to still have feelings for him, he is your husband. At this point you have to think about if he is willing to fight for the marriage, that is a big determination on how things will work out. Look forward to your update.

  • Gatybu September 14, 2011, 8:54 PM

    This past March, my husband and I went on a trip for our ten year anniversary. He had been acting really distant towards me but I thought maybe it was his job and just needed a get-away. On our trip he acted as if he’d rather be having his toenails pulled than to be with me. He would disappear for hours at a time and being that we were at a casino I didn’t think too much about it at first, but it continued the whole time we were there. I would brag to others the reason we were there and he acted like it aggravated him. Well, days went by and I noticed excessive use of the laptop and when I came within a certain diameter of him the computer screen would change. So, I decided to do a little detective work. I wasn’t happy at all with what I found. He had been going into chat rooms and chatting with many, many women. There was no “ugly” chatting, just casual talk mainly. He would call them “sweetie” and when he really started to like someone it would be “sweetheart”. I then checked the phone records and was absolutely devastated at all the calls he had been having with these many, many women. I confronted him with it and he said it was an “ego” thing and promised to never do it again. He also assured me that he’d never met anyone in person. Of course I was deeply hurt, but I forgave him. Last week I decided to snoop again just to see if he had kept his word. I didn’t find anything recent but I did find an old conversation where he had gotten deeply involved with a women from another state. He told her that he loved her and wanted to be with her. He wanted to get to know her kids and that she deserved the best of everything. She was wonderful. He ended one of his texts with “P.S. – I Love You” which to this day scrolls through my mind every time I close my eyes. I confront him with it and he explodes. He says, “Why do you keep bringing that subject up? That’s in the past and I said I was sorry, now get over it!” How can I possibly just “get over” the fact my husband just told another woman he loved her and wanted to be with her? Was it all part of an ego game or did he mean it? I’m so torn!
    Gatybu

  • Sue September 15, 2011, 4:51 AM

    I found out recently that my husband was watching porn (vids, magazines, online hard core cam) and chatting up and IM women from multiple sites who contacted him via Messenger and he contacted through the porn sites. He also joined many sites for local dating. When I confronted him, he agreed to go to counseling and said he had never met anyone live, never paid for anything online and that most of the women that contacted him were scammers looking for money. He was registered at more than 50 online sites. He said he would string them along to send him pictures and see if they would ask for money.

    I read some of the message conversations and they are quite graphic. I asked him if he ever did video or voice chat and he denied it until I confronted him with a latest round of chatting with an Asian woman that he says is a friend and that she makes him laugh. He did video chats only with her, he claims and he met her as she was a dancer on a hard core site. It seems from the conversations I read that he had developed an emotional connection to her as there were over 200 emails, conversations over 6 weeks. He asked her about her health, told her he loved her and would sleep only a couple of hours some nights to talk to her while I was out of town for work. He says he is now done with all this. He claims that what he did was simply a diversion and that it was a game – just harmless fun. He says I should put it behind me and move forward. I was crushed because even after he told me he never did video chats I find that he lied about being on cam. So how can I trust him now? He says he never told me because he hoped it would all just go away. As I read through the chats (yes, I self-inflicted pain on myself), I found that he did this on vacation, on our anniversary, while I was sleeping, cooking dinner, etc

    He claims that this whole mess was not about me but we did fight a fair bit over the years and it was an already rocky marriage. He claims he wants to start fresh and just move forward. I am very conflicted. I am in my 50s, scared of being alone and despite all of this I still have feelings for him. We are going to counseling but not sure he gets this as he says I should just move ahead. He acknowledges that what he did was wrong and that he just got caught up. He says he is not asking me to forgive him but that he wants me to stop questioning him and to stop talking about it but I just cannot do that so we are at a big fork in the road.

    Advice appreciated so much. I am having trouble getting by.

  • Sue September 15, 2011, 6:43 PM

    Thanks for this column

  • C.M.B November 2, 2011, 11:50 AM

    Hi,

    I know exactly how you are all feeling.
    I always check up on my husband via facebook because hes always chatting to random women he knows and even his friend’s girlfriends.
    As most of you have already said, the messages are really graphic and it hurts to read them cuz you think youve actually done something to make them do it in the first place. We have recently moved in together and he gets up in the middle of the night to go on porn sites, this other fairly new webcam site called chatroulette and generally chatting to women. I obviously cant be sure if he’s ever physically cheated on me but feel that this is just as bad. Whenever I have confronted him about all these things he says that he doesnt remember doing it or ‘i havent been on those websites’ or something along those lines and its frustrating because i then can’t say anything more on the matter because i can’t actually prove anything cuz he will have deleted the messages by then or deleted the internet history. it’s driving me mad because half the time i’m actually believing him because he’s that good at lying. any advice on this would be brilliant!

    • Jewels November 19, 2011, 4:17 AM

      Hello C.M.B.,

      Even though you can not prove if he is indeed cheating or not, the problem is that he is literally lying to you, which is scary. It means that he is in some serious denial. Most cheaters deny deny deny until you have proof. In your case, you know that he was on these site, and for him to look at you and say he doesn’t remember is tough. I think you have to have a heart to heart with him and tell him he needs to be honest with you in order to save the marriage. His behavior will continue until he actual can say that he is doing these things. I know you are probably beyond frustrated, hang in there!

  • brenda November 14, 2011, 12:17 AM

    Sue wrote:
    “He claims that this whole mess was not about me but we did fight a fair bit over the years and it was an already rocky marriage. ”

    This is a common tactic…to say “this is not about you.” My husband has used this line frequently with me. It’s a way to put up a wall and get you off his back so he can feel better.

    The thing is, it’s bullshit. It IS about you. It affects you. It affects your marriage, your mental health, and in many cases, physical health.

    How many women here sleep lightly, or stressfully, through the night because of their husband’s past diliances online? That alone affects physical health. The amount of stress causes blood pressure and heart issues.

    It IS about you. His choices affect you. Whether a person hides money problems from their spouse, or sexual preferences, these actions affect the other spouse.

    You gotta get to a place where you’re willing ot stand up for yourself, and understand you have the right to be treated better. When you get to that place, you’re able to confront the “it’s not about you” issue and clearly, calmly, and rationally state that indeed, it is about you. It’s about your life and the affects of all this on it. The triggers you must now go through. The doubt. Insecurity. Lack of feeling SAFE in your marriage. Loss of trust. Loss of intimacy.

    Marriage is a two-way street. ALl our choices we make once we choose to become married must be considered in light of our partner’s role in our lives.

  • LisaP November 14, 2011, 8:07 PM

    Brenda, you are so right! I still sleep lightly and had in the past woken up to heart palpitations. While sleeping I thought I was dreaming about the palpitations but no. The stress is so hard on us. My bodies system went into over drive for 2 yrs I felt my heart racing for so long that many time I thought I was having a heart attach only to be having panic attacks. I lost 40lbs because of it. I am know at a regular weight but it took 2years to get back to it. Men really only think o themselfs and not the whole picture and whom they will affect!

  • Joy November 29, 2011, 8:11 AM

    So I’m new to this and I only found out tonight that my partner has been ‘chatting’ with two women on an online dating website. He works shift work and I noticed that a lot of the conversations take place at night while he’s working. My concern is that he’s sent them pictures of his private areas and they’ve reciprocated. They’ve discussed meeting, but according to the emails, they never have. He’s requested their phone numbers and they’ve given them to him so I don’t know whether he’s texting them as well. I just don’t know who to feel. I feel numb and absolutely worthless. I can’t understand why he would do this to me when the entire time he was engaging in these ‘chats’, he was talking to me about marriage, children and purchasing a home together. I had absolutely no idea he was doing this. There were no signs at all. He has always been incredibly attentive and thoughtful and our sex life had not changed at all. I confronted him about it and all he would say is that it had nothing to do with me or our relationship. I can’t see how that could be true though. If he was truly happy and satisfed in our relationship, why would be seek these ‘chats’ out? The conversations themselves are mostly flirtatious and slightly sexual in nature, but he does describe what he would like to do to them. I’m so hurt and confused ladies, I really need your help.

    • Jewels December 1, 2011, 6:47 AM

      Hello Joy,

      You just found out very recently, so your emotions are very high. And unfortunately, his response probably didn’t give you much comfort. As women we tend to blame ourselves first for his cheating, if he cheated, what did I do? And in a sense he is right, it probably had little to do with you, and everything to do with his selfishness is his actions. You can not make you husband go and flirt and talk to other women, that is a decision that he makes on his own. Some men cheat and the wives are beautiful, cook, have sex every night, it’s not about the wife, it is about the man, and how he responds to life.

      I guess the first thing is your husband has to see how this impacts the marriage, it seems like he is casual about this which I am not too comfortable with because if he is casual, he might not see the wrong in it or the impact. Unfortunately pics turn into phone calls, which turn into affairs, so it is a big deal.

      He has to see the serious wrong in what he did if the relationship is going to survive and he has to take actions to understand why he did it.You can’t force him to do this, you can suggest, but not force.

      I know you are hurt right now but I will tell you this – know this now at this time in your relationship is a blessing. Can you imagine purchasing a home, getting married, having 2 kids, living away from family, and then seeing this (that’s what happened to me)? So as hurt as you are, you are going to look back and say man I am glad I found out when I did.

  • LisaP November 29, 2011, 12:06 PM

    Your man is going through a phase of not being appriecated or being wanted enough. That’s what my man told me. They also look at it as porn in a way, it’s exciting to them makes them feel young and that every women want them. My husband even took it to the next level by subsribing to adult sex sites where he could talk to these real hookers and send pics back and forth. He thought is was all fun until I found out about it. To make a long story short, he now knows it is another form of cheating. Because if it is a secret it is cheating! The computer age has done more damage to marriages than anything else I can think of. sometimes I just wished he died so I wouldn’t have had to go through so much pain. I still do some days when he will say something or do something that will just trigger everything all over again.

  • Ralmon November 30, 2011, 2:44 PM

    LisaP:

    Not so true. He may say that but thats not really the cause. As for the sex site… yeah it could be just for fun… a dangerous kind.

    What he is going through is being a victim to coolidge effect, a very problematic biological reaction that is the cause of many heartbreaks. I have given a short version for Joy but I’ll elaborate here.

    There are two things(maybe more) about orgasm (from sex or masturbation) that contributed to this:

    -orgasm numbs pleasure sensitivity a notch developing tolerance for sexual pleasure. That is, after an orgasm a person needs more stronger stimulation to receive the same amount of pleasure they had before. The pleasure sensitivity would return to normal two weeks to one month after orgasm. The problem is if a person has orgasm before his/her pleasure sensitivity returns to normal the ‘numbness’ would compound, making the numbness even stronger. So after having lots of orgasm in quick succession would build up a high tolerance for sexual pleasure. In other words sex becomes less and less satisfying.

    So after having a lot of sex and orgasm, a person will find his current partner less and less able to give him pleasure. The person will then have less and less sex, which leads to sexless marriage. A booster for pleasure is giving something novel in sex like new sex position, harder sex, sex toys, or new location. The one with the biggest impact is having a new sexual partner… even if its 2d (like porn).

    -orgasm also had this effect of making people hornier, that is, seek more sex amd orgasm. As above, after having rapid succession of orgasm, without letting the body recover, the horniness compounds, becoming stronger and stronger. Orgasm after orgasm, the hornier and hornier ones gets. Slowly other possible sex partners is very interesting, especially the willing ones. There lots of them online in form of porn and adult sites and one could get easily hooked.

    In other words, orgasm (especially excessive amounts of orgasm) has this effect:

    -a person gets less and less satisfaction from his sex partner, thus have less and less interest for sex with him/her. Only having novel more stimulating experiences could satisfy… like having a new sex partner.
    -a person gets more and more hornier wanting to have more gratification from orgasm. The body demands more sexual pleasure.

    With this two effects getting stronger and stronger after every orgasm, having affairs will get more and more attractive. It would then reach a point where the person is unable to resist and just must have sex… ending in cheating.

  • kayleigh February 27, 2012, 8:55 AM

    As much as I hate that there so much easy access to sex online, and I would love to be able to blame it on that, any man (or woman) who is typing something into search has not accidentally come across it, and although some couples mite watch it together or they simply know that the other is doing this, I think when you get in a relationship with somebody and then marry them, you should know weather your partner would have a problem with it, as I do, I think porn is outrageous, sex is supposed to be the most intimate connection that you share with somebody, and just because they are not physically having sex with that person, I do not belaive that it is not still extremely intimate and personal.

  • Gimlet February 28, 2012, 7:22 AM

    This section has been very interesting I’m going to ask my husband to read it.

  • gendig March 5, 2012, 9:13 AM

    Geez, it is so messed up how my husband has a grand ol’ time chatting up with other trash and I set hear in tears reading other stories and realizing that it is not going to stop. That is hard… accepting that it will not stop and you cannot trust this person who you used to smile at give your body to. The worst thing for me is that I do not know this man anymore. I saw him say things that I never heard him say. The funny thing is that he is so quiet when we have (or had) sex. There is no doubt in my mind he will cheat if the opportunity arises. I don’t even feel like putting myself through the agony of admitting all of the multiple occasions that I know about right now… and all of the times he said, “I won’t ever do it again”. The sad part is that us women just kind of have to accept that we can never trust a man. I mean, I have three young kids and our 6 year anniversary is this month! Yes, this stuff is destroying families and it makes me sick. It is hard to deal with the fact that I have no control over giving my children a two-parent home because of my husband’s sick addiction and alter-ego. I so bad did not want to be a divorced person… I wanted to prove the world wrong… love is real and I have it! So much for that. Why can’t these sickos just control themselves for their family?!?!?!? Ugh, I am sad 🙁

  • DJ March 12, 2012, 6:44 PM

    I have never written on an online chat room before or ever chatted with a stranger online so this is very weird for me. I am realizing that I must be in a desperate place if I am actually reaching out in this way. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 1.5 yrs. Before we were married I had stumbled upon a few emails he had sent to a co-worker of ours that I felt was really inappropriate, she left our place of work (my husband and I work at the same site) and the communication stopped. A few years later I was laying in bed with my husband and he got up to go the washroom his phone was in the bed and he recieved a text from another new young coworker, when it popped up on the phone i read it. He had written that he wished he was over in her bed. As soon as he came back to bed he knew what had happened. He said he was just joking/flirting. He told her that I didn’t want them hanging out or talking anymore and it seems that was that. Now just a couple of weeks ago my husband was having some back troubles and someone recommended a chinese massage. He called the woman that was reccommended to him and she and her sister came over to our house to do the massage ( the one sister doesn’t speak english so the other interperets). I was not home when they came but my husband told me they were coming and all about it afterwards. A week or so later I had really bad feeling that something was up to so I logged into my husbands email account and I found litteraly hundreds of emails back and forth to the english speaking sister. These emails have been everything from very sexual on his part (she won’t talk dirty back I guess) to innocent friendly banter. I have been watching these emails for the last couple of weeks, my husband doesn’t know that I know. It is really starting to make me feel horrible about myself,i feel like I am losing myself. How do I talk to him about this?

    • Jewels March 13, 2012, 11:55 PM

      Kayleigh – Yes, it would be nice if we would know prior, but many times, our husbands do not share with use that they like porn or sex sites, because they think we will have a strong reaction, so they sneak and do it. Or they might not be into the online sexting, porn, chatting. But as the years go by, they try it a few times, and then they become addicted and can’t stop.

      Gendig – I know, it’s tough. But I think there is so much more to it than for the husbands to just control themselves. There is a deeper issue at hand, not sure exactly what it is, but I hope to understand more. And I know you might think that men will always cheat, but I do not feel that way, and the only reason why is that some men have contacted me completely devastated that their wives cheated. I know it’s strange, but when they post to the site, it gives me hope that there are good men out there. Take Care!!

      DJ – Eventually, you are going to have to bring this up to your husband. Holding it inside is going to eat you up. I would just sit him down and tell him you know that he is having an affair, you have proof. Now you can sit and deny it, but like I said, I have proof. And I would like to know if you still want to be married. If he says yes, then tell him to hand over the phone if he wants to stay married. Tell him to open up his email if he wants to be married. He can’t come back the next day, tell him to do it. If he refuses, just walk away. Let him sit on it and think about what you know. It should at least get the conversation going. Ultimately, you will have to decide when and how, but at least this will give you some ideas. *And you are not desperate, you are just looking for some advice from women who have been there. Pretty smart if you ask me :).

  • Fiona M March 14, 2012, 10:28 PM

    I’ve just discovered that my husband has been browsing websites looking for escorts and sex partners, as well as watching porn. I’m 3 months pregnant with our first baby and I moved interstate away from my family and friends at the start of the year as my husband’s job required him to move. I feel so hurt and disappointed, not to mention pregnant and alone. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so scared that I’ll end up alone being a single parent. I’m not working at the moment since I found out I was pregnant just after we moved house, I figured I’d wait until after the baby came and everything settled down. I don’t know how I’d look after us both. I don’t know how to confront my husband. I just want my baby to be OK.

    • Jewels March 18, 2012, 11:20 PM

      Fiona,

      Everything will be ok, no matter what you decide. I was literally scared to raise my kids alone, did not know if I could actually do it, I do not live near family as well, but I figured it out, and you will as well. Your next steps depends on what kind of husband you have. Do you think he will be remorseful or get angry that you even brought it up? I sense a fear in bringing it up, what do you fear? Your baby is going to be ok. If you stay, I hope that he is going to be very supportive of you. If you leave, you should probably consider moving back where you have support, I am sure there are people in your family that will take you in and give you the support you need, so you will not be fearful. Do not stay because you are afraid of being a single mom. Thousands of single mom’s from all walks of life, and many of them remarry or find love. Last thing to know is that you do not need to make any major decisions right now, just watch, observe, think about what it would look like if you had to leave, and think about why you are fearful in bringing this to your husband’s attention. Take Care!

  • OnceHaPPy April 19, 2012, 1:46 AM

    thanks so much for the website. I feel alot better knowing that this has happened to married couples and to boyfriend girlfriend couples as well. I have known my boyfriend since I was 15 years old and we have always contacted each other from the day he laid eyes on me. He was once the man I knew that loved me with all his heart however since i was young and ignorant, I ignored his feelings and “shopped around”. He didnt deserve that however i didnt know he was going to pop up later in my life. He was always there for me and at the age of 20 i started going out with him. He knew about my past and what i have been through however i never knew he wanted to “get back at me”. This was his reason to cheat and chat with other women. I was madly in love with him and would have trusted with whenever he would say anything to me but now it is different. The first time this happened I didn’t think much about it and I forgave him without any severe consequences. The second time he did it I was outraged and he knew I was pissed off but the third time he did it (3 incidents happened within 2 years) i was the worst to him. I didnt talk to him for 3 months!! He would always try to contact me and ask for forgiveness through emails and texts that he would send me almost everyday. I forgave him but I still feel that i can’t trust him again. I was the first woman he fell in love with and he told me that everyday before but now as the years past things became different and we became different. I don’t know what to do because i know i love him very much and i know he loves me however after 3 events of online chatting to random women and many profiles I don’t know if i should trust him again. He ruined very important dates such as xmas, my birthday, our anniversary and our dream vacation. I don’t know what to do because I gave him a chance and i feel sometimes that its time for me to move on. I love him and whenever i am with him he makes me laugh and smile but my problem is when he leaves to work and goes home.. it makes me think about what he may be doing and why he doesnt just call and text me during his free time. We have know each other for 10 years and I knew that he would do anything to be with me before but now i dont think he would do the same. Its difficult to forgive and forget because he hasn’t forgiven me or forgotten that I ignored him and left him for crappy guys. I love him very much and he knows that and I know that he loves me however is that enough for us to last. is love all we really need. Is it going to be different if we get married? I am so confused…

    • Jewels April 21, 2012, 9:12 AM

      OnceHappy,

      I think that with your relationship, it was a great one for the time that you were together. It seems like you have many good memories. But at the same time, you both have drama, things that he did and that you did. Here is the thing – I get the feeling that he is ‘using’ the fact that you were talking to different guys when you first dated as an excuse to go online and cheat and lie. That is not ok. I personally feel like there is too much going on for this relationship, too much drama. I know you care for him, but really I think it’s time for both of you to move on.

      If you get married will it get better? NOOOO. If you marry this man trust me when I say this – it will be twice as bad. This is just my opinion but if you marry him, all you are going to get is much more of what you are already seeing. Marriage is so much more than love. Never marry just for love :), the rest of the person has to be functional as well. If it’s just love, no need to marry.

      You are young and there are plenty of guys out there that would love to date you. Take some time, be alone, get yourself together, learn what you like, have fun so when you happy to find a great guy, you will be in a position to have a good time.

  • Marisol April 21, 2012, 9:48 AM

    In September of 2011 (previous post above), I learned that my husband was struggling with a sex addiction. I knew early on in our relationships that he struggled with pornography, and several times during our 10 year marriage (13 year relationship) that he had struggled because I caught him. In September, it was truly the last straw. I discovered that it was past the point of just looking at pornography, he was chatting with women (audio and video), talking with them on his phone, and talking about meeting up with some of these women. I told him that I had enough, and I wasn’t sure that our marriage would make it.

    He cried out, he was in so much pain, but so was I, and the tears were not moving me this time. He got serious, he started going to a sex addicts support group and meeting with someone who has been in recovery for over three years. We purchased Covenant Eyes, which is an accountability measure. What we have learned is that the sexual misbehavior was only a symptom of the problem.

    Now, 7 months later, he is still in recovery. He has learned more about himself and the way that his family has impacted his emotional issues, the way that I have effected him, etc. etc. Our marriage has never been stronger! There is so much honesty between us, he has also stood up to his mother, and become a stronger man. We are believers, and he feels that, for the first time in a very long time, he can truly feel God’s love in a sincere and authentic way.

    We still have a distance to go, but I am hopeful that he will continue in his recovery, and so will our marriage.

    • Jewels April 28, 2012, 11:24 AM

      Marisol,

      Thanks so much for sharing, I love seeing updates of couples that have stayed together and it has worked. Your husband put in the work, that is key. He put in the work and made the effort to really figure out what is going on. I am glad you stayed, it seems like you both learned so much about yourselves and the marriage! Keep in touch and let me know how things are going!

  • OnceHaPPy May 18, 2012, 2:27 AM

    I am willing to give him another chance. I love him and he makes me happy when we are together. He has been very sweet and concerned about my insecurity. He calls me and tells me what he is doing so he is trying. I just hope and pray that he will realize what he has one day. I sound crazy but I need to know that I did everything to save this relationship before i can end it. it has been so long that I know him and I don’t want to give up on him. He can do what he thinks is right but if I find out he doesn’t respect me again then I have no choice but to leave him. Marriage has always been something he wanted and i always dreamed about but to know that love won’t make it better is sad.

    • Jewels May 29, 2012, 10:41 PM

      Once Happy,

      You have to do what feels right to you, and if that means fight for the relationship, then do it. This site is built to support you no matter what you decide, just make sure you take care of yourself – later!

  • Betrayed December 10, 2012, 9:33 PM

    My husband chats online all the time. At first when I found out he lied about it and I actually believed it. I started finding it more and more and he kept trying to convince me that it was junk mail but I knew better so I started checking all of his stuff. He stopped for a longtime and told me he would not chat anymore but over the last few months I have noticed he is still doing it just being much sneakier about it. There are sites online now they can go to that cannot be detected. My husband thinks just because he changes his his password I cant find out and maybe I cant find out what they are saying but he forgets to delete his history on googlechrome. It is much easier to look up history on google chrome than it is on internet explorer. I am at my wits end with this crap as far as the chatting goes. To me it is cheating but I am in love with my husband. Everytime I bring it up to him we get into a huge argument and so lately I just look to see if he has been doing it. My anxiety level is building up more and more and I feel like my feelings on this matter truly mean nothing to him. I feel so hurt and betrayed because he constantly lies about it.

  • Gimlet December 14, 2012, 7:03 AM

    Betrayed, What you say is very interesting to me as my husband also cheated and chattted online and now I never see anything . He recently put google chrome on our computer as he uses it at work and can use our home computer for some things. I have not used it because I am fairly computer illiterate (which is why he thought I would never catch him). Could you tell me how to chec history on google chrome for my peace of mind? Also i agree with you it absolutely is cheating if it weren’t they would not go to such lengths to hide it. Try to do something to clear your mind each day for me it is a walk along the shore and it really helps. Best of luck to you.

  • Marisol December 14, 2012, 11:47 AM

    I’m back, again, unfortunately. It seemed like everything was going really well, and I think it was, for a while. On Monday night I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair on the phone with another woman. It started after Thanksgiving. She isn’t just any woman, she is one of my brother’s ex-girlfriends who I really like(d) a lot. She has a lot of really attractive qualities, both personality and physical characteristics.

    Initially he was going to try to deny it, but came clean. He has never done this before, had an on-going relationship with someone, and especially not someone who he or I know. The ironic thing is that this woman was enthralled with my brother and hoped that they might get married someday. He cheated on her 3 times, and 3 times she came back to him. When he cheated on her the last time I sent her a message letting her know that I hoped the best for her, and that I know my brother hurt her very badly.

    It has been several days. I’m having trouble eating, sleeping, working, etc. etc. etc. I am getting 2 cold sores on my lip, I’ve had several bloody noses, and I vomited several times the night it all came out. I didn’t sleep on Monday night, I couldn’t. I feel like I have very literally been beat up. It’s different this time, very different.

    I can’t help but wonder if she was trying to get back at my brother, but I have no idea. It feel different because she is someone that we know, but also because it was an on-going relationship that looks and sounds a lot like “puppy love.” The number and length of the phone calls reminds me of when I first started dating my husband and we would sit on the phone and talk about nothing just to be on the phone with each other. We couldn’t wait to connect with each other. That is what he had with her.

    I don’t know what is going to happen, or where we will end up, but I am focusing on what I need right now. Trying to control the somatic symptoms that I am experiencing so that his actions do not control me. I don’t know if this will ever end if I stay with him.

  • Marisol December 14, 2012, 11:52 AM

    Oh, I forgot to mention, I did something for me.

    While I did not feel this in my heart, I knew that cognitively she deserved to hear from the horse’s mouth (my husband) that it was over, and I needed to tell her how I felt for me. We prepared ourselves and called her…. ring…. ring…. ring. She answered, and my husband said, “hi ____, are you asleep?” — my heart sank at the comfort and familiarity with which he said that line. He told her that he was sorry for putting her in this position, and apologized a few more times. Then, I got on the phone, yes, after watching my husband break-up with his girlfriend, I got on the phone, this was the plan afterall.

    I said, “I don’t have any questions for you, but I just need to tell you that I’m very hurt, and disappointed in yours and my husband’s immoral actions. I’m surprised and shocked that after being in my position and knowing how much pain you experienced, that you did this. I cannot forgive you now, but I’m praying that God will soften my heart so that I will be able to forgive you one day. I pray that you will seek forgiveness for your actions as well.” She said, “Marisol (my pseudonym), I’m sorry.” I said, “I cannot accept that right now, but I appreciate you saying it.

    I am SO glad that I did say what I said. It is not all her fault, but she did something very shameful, and she should hear from the person that she hurt. I was nervous to call, but it was so liberating. Now I don’t have to think and wonder about her, etc. etc., but focus on myself.

    • Jewels December 14, 2012, 10:28 PM

      Betrayed/Marisol

      Betrayed – I can read your message and feel the stress and tension. I know you love your husband, but at the same time, keeping these bottled up feelings inside, knowing this information is eating you up inside. It seems like he is at the point where he is not ready to give up the online game, every time you talk, he just covers it up more. I hope for your sanity he one day gets to the point where he is able to admit he has a problem and get some help, as it seems he is addicted. Hugs to you!

      Marisol – my heart goes out to you, the second time finding out is SO painful, and for it to be someone that you know? Oh my. I know you are grieving right now. I am so proud of you for calling her and telling her how you feel. And for your husband to follow through with it is a good thing. It reminds me of when I asked my husband to call the OW and tell her it was over, he called, and fumbled through it so much she could tell what was going on. I was so hurt that he could not tell her it was over. So I am glad that your husband did and you got to share how you really felt with a woman who has betrayed you. I am glad that she didn’t make excuses for her actions. Take care, hugs to you as well!!

  • Gimlet December 15, 2012, 7:26 AM

    Marisol, Your post caught my eye because in my story the other womans name was Marisol and I had contacted her and told her about this site suggesting she read it to understand the kind of pain the actions she and my husband engaged in cause. Your story has mant similarities to my own my husband also has an addiction to porn. While reading this thread I came across a reference to the Coolidge affect and one thing leading to another found helpful sites and a book that has helped me to understand the nature of this addiction. My husband and I are doing well but I still have doubts and wonder if he has just gotten better at hidng behaviors. He did go to a therapist but the first thing the guy did was give him a perscription for an antidepressant and after seeing the damge done to members of my family by them I told him not to take them and that if he wants therapy to keep looking for a better psychologist. He didn’t but did ask recently if the doctor I am taking one of my sons to also treats adults so I am hopeful that he is still interested in getting real help and not just to appease me because as Jewels said HE has to want to make this work I can’t fix him. I,m really sorry your husband has done this to you again and think he probably truly feels bad about it but he needs to stop feeling sorry and start feeling motivated and so does my husband.Another thing we have in common is that I contacted the OW (by letter) because I needed to say some things for myself and it felt good she needed to take responsibility for her actions too. Sadly she never really did but that’s her problem. Right? I hope you can find your way through the pain and disappointment to a better place and hopefully I’ll be there with you. Hugs.

  • Marisol December 16, 2012, 10:31 PM

    Jewels & Gimlet

    Jewels – Yes, it is so painful. This level of betrayal feels so much different than the pornography addiction. Not just because I know this woman, but also because it was an on-going relationship rather than a one time “fix.” I’m really struggling with a lot of triggers right now because I saw the phone log, I know exactly when they were talking to each other, and it comes back into my mind quite often. For example, the Thursday after Thanksgiving I came home from being out of town for work, my husband picked me up, but he had a 30 minute conversation with the OW just before coming to get me. So, when we flew yesterday together to come and see my family, it was really triggering for me to know that last time I was at the airport life was different, and that the betrayal was in some ways connected to that time and space. There are a number of reminders such as that.

    I am really glad that we made the call too, it was very helpful for me to do that in such a calm way.

    Gimlet – I’m so sorry that you have had this experience, it is a pain that feel unbearable for sure, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’m interested to know what book you read that was helpful for you. A few that my husband has read include Out of the Shadows, Wired for Intimacy, and Ashamed No More. I have glanced at these books as well and it has helped to understand the addiction cycle, and the addiction within the brain that he experiences. I am able to see how this relationship with the OW was a different manifestation of the same addiction, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. AND, there is something about knowing that the OW is not aware of the fact that she was a pawn/object of the addiction, and that she may think/believe that he is in love with her that makes things tough also. I pray for healing in your recovery, whether or not that includes your husband.

    Right now, that biggest challenge that I am experiencing is that I want to move toward healing and recovery with my husband, but there is this major issue of deception that continues to nag me. In the beginning he was forthcoming and honest, but for the most part, I have had to catch him in the act rather than him coming clean. How can one build trust with a person who cannot be trusted? Why would I think that anything would be different this time around? Why would I expect that he was not have to be caught again, and that I would be here all over again? I have no answers to these questions, but these are the ones that are plaguing me.

    I DO NOT, WILL NOT become a crazy woman who is constantly checking call logs, credit card bills, phone communication, etc. etc. etc. What kind of relationship is that? I see where women are coming from when they do that, and I empathize, but I cannot do it. I feel like that level of “accountability” requires more energy than it is worth, and allows his behaviors to control my life. It is a different kind of control and betrayal, but in a similar vein requires TONS of energy from me. I do not want to be a “victim” within my relationship OR a “martyr” for staying around.

    Still processing, still working, not making any rash decisions. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of the support.

    Marisol

  • Gimlet December 17, 2012, 10:07 AM

    Marisol, Your words your feelings could be my own exacty. I too struggle with the same things and also do not want to go back to that place of trying to find things hours trying to figure out how to find emails and I have never used a smart phone so I never checked call logs (wouldn’t even know how). All that energy and time wasted made me crazier but sadly sometimes when triggers come along I start again but I have noticed that i don’t let myself become consumed and remind myself that all will come out sooner or later. The question is will I ever truly have enough trust to be comfortable and is that enough for me only time wil tell. The book I read was Cupids Poisoned Arrow it is not just about porn or sex addiction but it did have some useful information about that as well as pair bonding which really did improve our relationship at leas for now any way. Also there is a website called yourbrainonporn.com that helped me understand how my husband became addicted to porn and then as often happens the need to up the stimulation led to other more risky behaviors like chat rooms and eventually an affair. My husband for=und another site for those with this addiction called your brain rebalanced but I am not sure if he is still using it maybe it would be useful for your husband. Like you I also have no desire to either a victim or martyr and am trying to regain my inner confidence. Best of luck to you.

  • Personette December 26, 2012, 10:31 PM

    It has been a really awful Christmas, as I was trying out an Angry Birds version on my husband’s IPad while he was out of the room, and then decided to google movies…when the Safari list popped up, there were unclosed pages of adult entertainment sites as well as one that appeared to be an online dating site…complete with the contact from a 51 year old woman in Boulder, Co.Looking for a male companion…we live in another Colorado town, and I realized he was out searching for possible hook ups in our area…not satisfied with just being a voyeur, he wanted a commuting bed buddy. In the middle of the night, when he got up to go to the bathroom, I whispered ” I know about the websites you have been visiting.” he denied it…outright lied, until I told him to open the I pad and go to his Safari page. While he tells me he loves me and wants only me, and this was supposed to help him address his inability to gain an erection, and by the way, we haven’t had sex in more than a year, and he is always making it about my tiredness, or my health, but I have asked for sex on numerous occasions, and he can’t ever seem to respond to that request. I realize he thinks that none of this is wrong…he believes this is just about being a man, but he has had affairs before marrying me with married women, and I am his 4th wife, so obviously something should have triggered red flags, which I ignored. I told him today he has to show me al,the sites and communications, he has to get into counseling, and that I am not sure how time will allow me to feel about this, but we are in our early 60’s, and divorce would devastate our financial picture at this late stage. Need to have someone elses’s views. He is a very attractive silver haired, tall man with a lot of charisma, and he easily “plays” with other women verbally. I was drawn to him for these same reasons, as I am shy, and he drew me out of my shell. He had been a good friend and partner for our past eleven years, but I won’t be able to tolerate even one relapse if this is a chronic problem.

    • Jewels December 29, 2012, 2:11 AM

      Personette,

      Sorry you had to find out Christmas about your husband’s infidelities and trying to get with other women. I think you are on the right track with requesting counseling and being open about what is really going on. At the same time, it seems like sex is an issue for both of you. If you go to marriage counseling, really explore sex and what is going on. If he is having erection problems, he may be embarrassed, but that doesn’t give him a pass to work on his problems with random women. I know erection problems are a touchy subject for men, so I think having a counselor to help you through those issues will help. Hopefully he can take the necessary steps to heal the marriage.

  • Marisol December 30, 2012, 10:35 AM

    Dear Support Community,

    It is so nice to have a place to put things out there safely.

    It feels like things develop in my situation everyday. I see things in a new, fresh, and hopeful way sometimes, and then at other times I feel defeated, hopeless, silly, and completely helpless. My husband no longer has access to facebook, but he has received several messages from high school friends, females of course, about how they hope he is doing “better,” that life is “easier,” etc. I asked about what they are talking about and why they would be sending him these messages and he said that he had just mentioned to them about how he was scared of what the future held, etc. One of them posted on his wall, “where are you?”, and last week when we were visiting my family for the holidays he received a text message that said, “are you mad at me?”. It was from an area code that I was unfamiliar with. I didn’t say anything about having seen it, but later that day I mentioned it and he said that it was a female high school friend who saw that his facebook account was deactivated, and was checking in on him. I asked to see the conversation, but he had deleted it, conveniently, and said that it was because I am “hypersensitive” right now.

    How can ANY trust be established when every time I turn around there is another “thing” or person to learn about. Because he is an addict, he cannot have these types of relationships with other women and not have them be related to his addiction, but even if he wasn’t an addict, why would my husband need so many women to be part of his life. I feel like I get the leftover crap, and these women for some reason get all of the sensitive, caring, nurturing parts of who my husband is, but it is completely superficial and fake. It is simply to feed his addiction.

    I am getting to the point that I am really not sure about moving forward. I am 30 years old, and I want desperately to be a mother, but I will not move forward with having children with my husband until there is a foundation of stability. If I decide to move forward and seek that foundation of strength and stability, the amount of time that it takes to get there will put me right at the latter portion of my range for child-bearing years. I’m stuck in this awful place of seeking healing and repair in my marriage, although we’ve been together for 13 years and clearly my husband isn’t capable of being faithful long-term, OR move on and trust that God will bring a man into my life who loves and cares for me in the ways that I deserve to be loved and cared for.

    I have no idea what to do, and I don’t expect advice, etc, but it is just nice to share what is going on with other women who understand. I am so hurt inside, and I have been so faithful to my husband. I really don’t believe that he would still be with me if I had done everything that he has done.

    In pain,
    Marisol

  • Leigh December 30, 2012, 10:44 AM

    To Jewels and all my friends with life-changing Internet singles/porn cheating situations.

    I have been reading so many links on this most helpful website. I am feeling a very strong connection to so many women who are in my sad state of discovery and subsequent misery.

    I wrote on another link (and Jewels’ words were so inspiring) about my husband of 17 years’ Internet singles sites/porn/sex chatroom escapades. On top of finding out that he had all these things set up and active while he was supposedly “working on his laptop” till the wee hoursfor many years, I found out about a 12-year “friendship” with his FedEx co-worker Lori. Her non-top calls last Christmas broke open the lies, hidden Internet sexual and emotional affairs. I found hundreds of late-night texts/phone calls to Lori’s personal cell (NEVER to her work cell). He, of course, denied the affair, even after I put two and two together, realizing his last description of this girl (37 vs my 53 years of age, dark, curly hair, big boobs, a lot of make-up, confiding in him all her sexual escapades). According to Ed …only because “they got closer” since he took a FedEx promotion “by coincidence” to her station which is hours away and closer to her home.) After this revelation, I found credit card subscriptions to singles/cheating husbands/porn sites. Zip code lists of women close to his work…women’s email addresses…more than 10 passwords to his singles/chatrooms/porn sites. I even intercepted a call to one of his sexting girls and told her he was married with two kids..she just hung up on me. He lied to my face when I confronted with this HARD EVIDENCE by saying the girl he was “talking with” was a FedEx co-worker’s sister! What a lame lie, considering it was 2:00 am…he was “helping” her…he made up the most ridiculous story, as he tried to “wing it” and run circles around my discovery. Of course, with my pressuring for the truth, he admitted to the lie, while trying to turn the tables because I ” didn’t trust him” and was “sneaking around spying on him”! (He’d had the same reaction when I discovered his “long, close friendship” with Lori). He even had the stupidity to mention in the conversation that Lori was such a sweet girl, the best mother of 2, that she reminded him of ME! Well, in my book, a “girl” who is still living with her ex-husband at home, has two kids, and is sleeping with another FedEx guy aside from Ed, CANNOT be such a “sweet, great mom.” The texts and calls continued with Lori for the past year, so I stopped checking altogether, for my own mental health. I stopped checking his “single father of two seeks voluptuous dark-haired woman looking for adventures” singles sites. I stopped looking at his credit card at the many, expensive porn site revolving subscriptions.

    Well, I didn’t mean to vent with my sad story all over again. It helps me to write things down. I’m sorry to get carried away and write so much on this site. I guess I hope to also tell my story so that other women can see they are not alone, plus so they keep their eyes and ears open when it comes to men’s seemingly harmless female co-workers and heavy Internet use, particularly late at night, while we are putting our children to bed, cleaning up the house, etc.

    Thank you to everyone on this site for listening. Thank you for sharing your situations and thoughts. Thank you to all who provide such words of comfort to this “community of women bonding together” to save each other.

    I wish everyone the best of luck, strength and peace in the coming New Year. May God bless you and your families. May He always stand by your side to help you overcome.

    Leigh

  • Gimlet December 30, 2012, 10:52 AM

    Marisol, I really feel for you trust is such an important part of any relationship especially if you are planning on having children. In my husbands case he has need of affirmation from these other women. Why I don’t know that is something he needs to figure out hopefully with a good therapist more than likely your husband also has some deep feelings of inadequacy and looks to other women to feed his need. Why? I think we know all their faults and these other women only know what they let them see. What our husbands fail to see is that even knowing their faults we love them and have found them worthy of that love but they must learn to love themselves in order to truly accept and trust in our love and not look for false adoration from these foolish women. I wish you luck and hope your husband will be honest with you I hope my husband continues to do the same but am determined not to let his actions stop me from loving myself again. We have to learn to put ourselves first. Hugs.

  • Gimlet December 30, 2012, 10:59 AM

    Leigh, Wish I could give you a big hug and make all the hurt disappear. Just keep coming here to vent and eventually you will feel stronger and you’ll know what the best decision for you is and we will all be here to support you. Big cyber hug.

  • Leigh December 30, 2012, 11:32 AM

    Gimlet, thank you. Today I will hang out with my two girls, do their nails, try to push aside the circumstances for another day. My two girls deserve my time and love always. They are the light that keeps me going.

    Thank you for your kind words of comfort and strength. Many hugs back.

    • Jewels January 3, 2013, 11:19 PM

      Hi Ladies,

      Gimlet/Leigh – Later this month I plan to write a post about porn and cheating, it is long overdue, but I know both of you unfortunately have experience with it so I will ping you when that conversation gets started, because it will be an important one, porn is a serious topic that needs to be discussed.

      Leigh, I am glad my comments helped, thanks for your kind words.

      Marisol – You are in a tough spot, because you invested so many years for the future of you and him. I think it is actually a good thing that people are like ‘where are you’ because it means that he is actually not still engaging the ‘party’ (even though the party was bigger than expected). I know you mentioned that you wanted to have kids, and I see your dilemma because this was probably the time that you planned to start to have kids. At the same time, I am so glad you said even though you desperately want to have kids, you will not do so without stability in the relationship. You are very strong woman to not give into your desires. And you are right, kids adds so many overwhelming dimensions to the marriage, it would complicate things tenfold. Stay Strong and take care!! ***And thank you for the wonderful email!!!

  • Leigh January 9, 2013, 6:03 AM

    Dear friends,
    I have a sad update to my broken marriage. This past Friday night, I heard my husband’s work cell ringing late at night. My girls had the TV off, were both reading in the living room, so it was easy to hear my husband’s conversation in his “basement apartment.” After a “sweeter than honey’ greeting on the phone, I realized it was Lori on the other end. I hurt, but didn’t expect the pain to multiply to unbearable till a few minutes later…I shouldn’t have continued to listen in. Ed asked Lori to give him a “picture of her on the horse” after her weekend! At that point, I couldn’t even hear what they were talking about,,,I was out of my mind in pain and anger that this was going on under my own roof. I ran downstairs and said loudly so Lori could hear, “Hi, Lori. This is Ed’s wife. Hi, Lori!” He scrambled to hang up with her. Then I lost it and we started arguing pretty loudly, with my yelling at him for his lack of respect…we are still married…why do this? Well, after that we argued back and forth, with his stupid comment about “I ask my other male managers for pictures of their kids…what’s wrong with that?” Seeing that I wasn’t “swallowing” his latest weave of lies and excuses, he creamed for me to GET A JOB, so he has enough money to move to an apartment. I left at that point…my two girls obviously heard the fight and had gone upstairs, so I went to see them. They didn’t say a thing about what happened, just asked me if I was OK and each hugged and kissed me. I told them “Mommy has a bad migraine” and they should go to sleep and rest.
    I was still “pumped up” from what had just happened, so I thought to myself…what else so I have to lose…so for the first time in a year and a half since my affair discover, I texted “young Lori”. It was not an insulting or “stooping to her level” text. I just said basically, “Congratulations …Ed is yours now…you managed to break my heart, home, and forever change the lives of two beautiful children. You…the woman Ed says is the “sweet person and perfect mom.”
    There was no response till the next day…probably after her “consulting” with Ed on this unexpected contact from me, after being silent for a year and a half. She basically said, calm as a cucumber, “I pray for you that things will work out for your future. Have a good weekend.” WHAT?? You can imagine my reaction. I texted back that I did not want her prayers…I don’t know what God she has that allows her to wake up every day with a clear conscience. My God knew my conscience was clear…I didn’t go after either her husband or boyfriend and break up her home. She texted back that I had interrupted her at a birthday party…she just started babbling about how Ed had been “one of the managers she was assigned to “coach” her when she got a promotion.” I texted back, “Is the “FedEx coaching policy” to include 200+ texts a week and ton of calls, most after midnight…some at 3:00 am…and lasting a year and a half??? Did “FedEx coaching” include hiding from spouses to talk about your sex life w/ your boyfriend, emergency calls when your grandmother was sick, calls about you and my husband going on a diet together? (I had heard Ed last year tell her how she was “tremendous” and didn’t have to diet.) Well, I concluded the text saying never to contact me again…have a good laugh when you share my painful texts with Ed. Didn’t hear back, and don’t expect to, but at least I spilled my guts and felt a bit of relief at finally confronting her, even if I couldn’t do it in person…she’s “too sweet and delicate” For Ed so have her meet me (I had originally asked him to “meet the co-worker” he as so passionately “coaching” and hiding from me. He had offered setting up a breakfast so I’d see she was “just a friend he got closer to”…then “changed his mind because he didn’t want me to “hurt a good mom”)
    OK, I’m stopping now because I’m just babbling and venting way too much, but I had to write this down. I will check out the website yourbrainonporn.com also, to try to understand how Ed became addicted to the chats/late night calls/sexting and expensive porn sited. He had about 8 sites, with other women’s emails jotted down, all by location, by zip codes in NJ. I guess his FedEx knowledge of areas helps to get close “contacts” to all/text.
    Urghhh…I don’t know why I can’t get over this. I apologize to everyone for my childish rantings. I’m just trying to stay sane. I have a lot of thinking and planning, but feel “frozen in time.” Have to get my head together and act on something, not just vent to you guys. Sorry again. I’ll try to cut down on these long comments.
    THANK YOU FOR LISTENING”””
    Leigh

  • Gimlet January 9, 2013, 7:30 AM

    Leigh, My heart just aches for you and your girls and your husband is an ass. I apologize for speaking like that but he is just so ridiculous and I am sure one day he will see through his fantasy and realize what he has done. Though more than likely he will tune it out quickly or try to justify his pitiful beahior. If he doesn’t want to fix his problems then all you can do is focus on yourself and your beautiful girls take each day and work on gaining back your identity you know the one you put on the back burner to put your husband and children fist. Find something you enjoy or that makes you feel better and give yourself that time each day to refresh yourself let your husband take care of himself. while you don’t want her prayers I hope you will accept mine. Hugs to you and your girls.

  • Leigh January 9, 2013, 4:48 PM

    Dear Gimlet,
    I read your words when I got on the bus to work this morning. It brought tears to my eyes to know that there are caring, compassionate women like you around. You are right on the money with the “ass’s” reactions. He has always insisted that he has done nothing wrong. Apparently, in his view, I was at fault, not him–I got so caught up with the kids, work, “worrying too much” about my mom (who was 90), not providing enough sex because I was tired. Instead of talking to me about how he felt and maybe somehow really “seeing” my struggles with my mom w/ Alzheimers, my kids, my work, he turned to the willing sexy “free spirit,” bubbly co-worker (who he said he was”friends” with for 12 years…the one he got “closer” to when he transferred to her FedEx station over an hour away “coincidentally”). He won’t even discuss his singles/porn sites, even when I talked to one of these “women” myself…I don’t know how a person can deny phone/texting record printouts, credit card bills, and an actual person on the other end of the phone. I think I should give up trying to understand…need to move on.
    Well, after venting on this site yesterday, and after reading your kind words, I made “the call.” I have an appointment with a lawyer for a consultation next week. I feel strangely empowered just by making the appointment. I’ll write how it turns out. I’ll also try to get best prices for my engagement/wedding rings…can’t bear to look at them for the past year and I can always buy myself a nice piece of jewelry–having something new, letting go of the old.
    Thank you, Gimlet, for your prayers-means a lot. I also pray for you and all women on this site, all us going through such similar troubles. Maybe I can some day “pay it forward” — I have received much kindness and support here.
    Leigh

  • Gimlet January 10, 2013, 8:27 AM

    Leigh, Glad you are feeling empowered and that you are doing what you feel you need to. Maybe your husband will realize what he may lose and see clearly enough to take resposibilty for his actions. We all have our problems in marriages but we don’t all turn away from our partners and cheat what he did he did and nothing you did or didn’t do gave him that right. My advice is take your time to think and plan how what and how you are going to act it’s time for you to put yourself first. Best of luck.

  • Leigh January 13, 2013, 3:07 PM

    Dear Gimlet,
    Thank you so much for your support. I spent most of the week concentrating on my job, my girls, got a haircut. My sister, who has finally found a genuanely nice guy, is babysitting while I go see the attorney. I’ve gotten support. I haven’t said a single word to Ed in a week…even when we were with the girls in the same car this weekend. He just “passes through” the front door. I’m sure his girlfriend has given him an earful after my final contact to her congratulating them on their new lfreedom…their new life. It’s amazing how having no contact with him makes my life so much easier. I can’t wait now till he leaves permanently. My main concern is the girls and how they’ll react, but my gut feeling in that is positive. They’re old enough to know that our lives have changed permanently, after all, it’s over a year since their dad has stayed away from all of us. Wish me luck next week with the lawyer meeting. Thank you so much for your words of support. They have helped me tremendously. This website has been a lifesaver to me. Thank you all. Let’s all stay together.
    Leigh

  • Leigh February 10, 2013, 4:33 PM

    Hello again.
    Well, today we had the “talk” with the girls. Went remarkably well. My oldest even said she was relieved. My youngest wants to help her dad shop for the new apartment. I have so many complications and hardships ahead, but for today, I am so thankful that this terrible chapter will be over. The divorce should be over in a few months. I will be able to breathe again–no lies, nothing to hide–honesty and the true love of my new little family may yet return. Good riddance Ed and Lori. I’ll smile “nicely” at our future meeting.
    I’m sure I’ll write again. Thank you for being there.
    Leigh

  • Gimlet February 11, 2013, 8:42 AM

    Leigh, It seems like things went as well as they possibly could and while there are likely to be some hurdles to come your attitude of taking things as they come is sure to carry you through. Today is my one year anniversary of finding the pictures of the 25 year old on his account and the end of the month is when I found the conversations between him and the other woman he was involved with. I have dreaded this for months but today I find myself trying to think of what to do for him Thursday for Valentines Day. Is that a good sign or a bad one? While I have been disappointed that we have stopped actively working on our relationship ie talking and sharing meaningful conversations we really do treat each other so much better than a year ago so now I have to decide what next. I have to say for the first time in years I have seen glimpses of the man I fell in love with and would like to be more the girl he once loved so well so I will spend sometime today trying to think of something to do for Thursday that won’t seem fake. All the cards seem so inappropriate now.Gee, I sure hope I don’t have to write one myself poetry is not my Forte. Back to you hope it all goes well with the lawyer and you certainly will have more to smile about than them for they will gwt just what they deserve .Each other!Hug to you and your girls.

  • Leigh February 12, 2013, 6:50 AM

    Dear Gimlet,

    Thank you for the post. I can’t recall if your main problem with your husband was the 25 year old AND porn sites. My husband had the 37 year old, porn site and singles memberships…he still hid his last $900 credit card bill from Christmas expenses., none of which were for the kids or family, since I did all the shopping.

    It sounds like the fact that you’re getting friendlier, if not altogether intimate in talks. Seems like a positive thing, particularly if you know for a fact that he gave up the 25 year old and is off porn sites. I can understand your feelings of “seeing glimpses of the man you married”–after a year and a half, I’ve felt the same at times. Unfortunately, in my case, the contact with Lori never stopped and his Internet escapades have escalated to Skype. I don’t think I’m exactly equipped for good advice because my situation has turned in a different direction–further apart because of his continuing cheating. Valentine’s Day wasn’t a gift/card thing for us for a long time. Sadly, I got used to him not acknowledging the holiday. If your husband gives you something, it would at least mean that there is something there. Don’t worry about words in a card. My experience with men has been that they are not as “deep”” in this area. The action of acknowledging the day with him should be enough. I truly hope that he has been truthful to you with actions. That would be an indication that he’s trying to keep the marriage. I am a pretty good “writer of feelings” to people, so poetry is never necessary. If you do your own “card” with just a thought about the fact that you see the “old” husband peeking through, it may just bring out some communication on about your relationship on his part. I truly hope that he is realizing your value and what he has been on the brink of losing. If you are not in a bad place right now, and he seems sincere, hang in there. I wish my marriage could have been saved, and I don’t believe every man is like mine. See what is in your heart–your real gut feeling about his sincerity. You are the only one who can judge. Go with your gut feelings–mine have always proven true, good or bad. My best to you and whatever you decide, I’m sure it will be the right thing. You are a smart woman and obviously have a good heart and a lot of love to give. I have to go, but let me know how things turn out. I’ll think of you on Thursday, sending good vibes your way.
    Leigh

  • Jenn June 10, 2013, 3:27 PM

    My husband of 18 years, together for 23 years, has broken my heart! This is the second time I have discovered that he has been talking to women in chat rooms and Internet porn !!! We have 8 children , ages 17 years old to 2 years old. together, yes they are all ours no step parents here. The first time I found it he had left a screen up on our computer, it was messages to a woman about meeting her, as I kept reading he canceled the meeting with her because the date he was supposed to meet her was the same date that I was coming home from the hospital after giving birth to our 6th child. We were able to work through it and things seemed to be going well until 3 weeks ago. He had been acting distant . He was in the shower and he had left his cell phone on the night stand. Well needless to say a leopard doesn’t change his spots!!! There were all kinds of messages to different women telling them they were beautiful and he had so much fun and couldn’t wait until next time, all sorts of photos of women and their body parts! I’m crushed!! When I told him what I had seen he said he was embarrassed, and wanted to show me what he had been involved in!!! WTH!!! That he feels liberated and was glad I found it, that this could be a brand new start for us!!! Look I know I’m not a playboy model but at 43 years old , five feet tall and 118 pounds after 8 kids I don’t think I’m as bad as I could be either! What in the name of God do I do with this man??? I don’t think I could trust him ever again!!! He is still in our home, but sleeping , in our basement, I can’t bear the thoughts of him even being near me! Please any advice is greatly appreciated! I haven’t told anyone what the state of our marriage is, to an outsider things look status quo, he owns a business and I would never want to embarrass him like that, but I’m dying inside! Please help!!!

  • Kathy June 10, 2013, 3:40 PM

    Hi Jenn…I just want to say that I know what you are going through, I am so sorry.
    Some men can be pigs, and we may never know why and I know because I’m going through it myself…God Bless you and help you through this.

  • Jenn June 10, 2013, 3:45 PM

    Thank you Kathy, I need all the strength I can muster up at this point!

  • Leigh June 10, 2013, 6:47 PM

    Jenn,
    If you look up my earlier posts, you’ll see a similarity. The first thing I want to say is DO NOT ever compare yourself to any other woman that your husband is cheating with. It made me EXTREMELY insecure. His description of his “perfect partner” was: long, dark curly hair, voluptuous, someone who is not afraid to “roll in the mud,” etc. When I found that, I thought someone had stabbed me in the heart. I don’t have curly hair, I am NOT voluptuous, and God knows I don’t “roll in the mud”! I am slim and always receive compliments because of it, plus the fact that I don’t use a ton of makeup (like his “big boobed, thick mascara” coworker “friend” of 12+ years– the one who may have started his cheating. At this point, I don’t know if was there throughout our marriage, or if it was other contacts he made through coworkers, friends or his Internet chatrooms, singles, and porn sites. I discovered this whole “new” husband while I had to put my mom in a nursing home, as I watched my mom deteriorate slowly till her death this past December. In my darkest hours, he was with his girlfriend Lori and his little Internet sluts.

    In any case, you can see I’m still in pain, but my point is the same that you will see throughout this site — think of YOURSELF! It’s easier said than done, when your heart is broken and trust is gone. I have two girls and I can’t imagine your strength in raising 8 children. You have to take care of yourself throughout this painful experience. It has been almost two years since I realized that my husband of now 18 years never loved me and wanted his freedom deep in his heart. He was just a coward and too sure of himself, thinking I would never find out. Be strong. Pray. Go to friends. Go to family. Maybe a therapist. I pray that you will stay strong and not let him ruin your life as my soon-to-be-ex has. I know that I am sad all the time, I cry, I dream of a past that was a lie, the man I loved never existed. I threw out our wedding photos, my wedding clothes, anything that would make me get my anger and pain out. It helped a little. I know that I must go on for my daughters, just like you must go on for your kids. I feel that I have to show them that their mother will NOT get stepped on like this. Their mother will be their strong role model, not their cheating dad. I know in my heart, no matter what has happened, I will go on for my children.

    I started taking care of my looks a bit, going for haircuts again and hair color, doing my nails. Somehow this made me feel good, maybe even pretty again–not the “voluptuous” look my ex always wanted, but MY look, the one that lets me be me, for me, not for him. It has made me feel a bit freer. I also started trying to fix up my house, since in our divorce agreement I’ll be paying for it in six years. I only work part-time and need to find a full-time job soon, but after being scared and feeling so alone for the past two years, I am taking it one day at a time. Nothing has really changed, but my new “no planning, no fear of the future” mindset. I have to work on it every day. I pray a lot. I think of my girls a lot. I have to look past the upcoming court date to finalize the divorce. I have to think of a better future, without his lies. I have to stop feeling like the victim. He now has a nice place to be with his “sluts.” I now have my self-respect, my beautiful daughters, no more lies.

    Take care of yourself. Write a lot because if helps when you don’t have someone to talk to. I write honestly. I write to anyone who will read. Either way, sites like this help us vent, ramble, babble, try to get the pain out. I hope that you stay strong. I wish you all the best. FYI, my husband lived in the basement, too, for two years, till he found his singles pad. While I cried, he told me his first purchase for new apartment was a $3,000 king bed “for when the kids visit”…think about it…and stay strong!!

    Leigh

    • Jewels June 11, 2013, 3:22 AM

      Hi Jenn (Thanks Leigh for your powerful comment!),

      A couple of things, I was crushed as well when I found out my ex was messaging girls calling them ‘beautiful’ ect. I want you to know that most cheaters do it, it’s part of the game. Second, men do not cheat because the wife is unattractive. It seems like you have a cheater who is very active in playing the game, and those type of cheaters do it because of the chase, and because they can.

      Third, the old ‘I wanted you to find out’ is a cop out, I have heard it over an over and it is a way for a very embarrassed man to try to get out of his own embarrassment.

      The first step for both of you is to have a conversation. Ask him is he is really willing to quit the games. This is the second time? You have to show him you mean business. If he says yes he is willing to quit the games, make him lead the recovery. Say ok, well it’s all on you, figure out how we are going to work this out. He needs to set up therapy, he needs to bring you two together to resolve this. He need to lead the recovery.

      Last but not least, not sure where you are located, but in the US, you can do a search on lawyers in your state, most have free initial sessions where you can ask them about your rights if you were to get separated/divorced. Not recommending you hire a lawyer, I just really want you to be empowered about your rights you have, many women do not have this type of empowering knowledge, I want you to have that. Just a thought!

  • Tanya June 11, 2013, 12:34 PM

    Hi, I just got married 7 months ago and I know my husband loves me there is no denying that…however I have been having a hard time trusting him and I need some help on what to do. I let him watch porn online because to me it isn’t a big deal it is just a video it isn’t live webcam chat so I didn’t think it was a big deal. Well the other day my gut feeling told me to check his laptop while he was working and I looked on his history. He googled ‘webcam chats with girls’ and he also googled ‘girl on craigslist’ but nothing came up when I clicked on the link. He came home and I asked him why he would google these things and he told me everything straight up. He didn’t deny anything and he said he gets bored when I am gone at work for 8 hours (I leave at 2 p.m. for work and he comes home at 3 p.m. so he is home till 10 by himself) and he said he didn’t think there was anything wrong about chatting with girls online. I asked him what his intentions were and he said ‘if they will show me their boobs that is it’ and he said porn gets boring and he needed something new. I am completely offended. I give my husband sex a lot and I am in shape and I think I’m beautiful and where I work at guys give me compliments all the time so I don’t understand how my husband can’t see it?? I threatened him with divorce because I can’t stand liars/cheaters and he started crying saying please don’t leave me I’ll break my webcam to prove that I won’t do it again and he kept going on and on. I told him that I will be looking on his history and watching him and I told him not to delete anything on his history, but how would I know if he did or not? And he can also use Incognito on google which doesn’t track the history of what he looks up. He has never cheated on me in person because I have been with him pretty much every day since we’ve been together except when he joined the military and he had to go to bootcamp/tech school then we weren’t together, but I have a feeling he isn’t cheating on me in person, but I feel like he is cheating on me online. And I don’t know what to do, I love him so much and I know he loves me, but I don’t want to go to work thinking ‘hey is he going to be chatting with some girl online today?’ I don’t know what to do…

  • turkeytots July 1, 2013, 7:28 AM

    I’ve been married 13 plus years and I have again found evidence of my husband chatting w women online and sending explicit texts. I have caught him before chatting and I also found a nude picture of himself that was taken in our living room. I found this past week that he’s set up a profile on MiuMeet and he’s willing to meet up with women. I’m heartbroken all over again and I can not trust him. He promised years ago that he would change after the first incident and he didn’t. The first incident he said it was because he had had too much to drink and he was bored. He promised me after that he wouldn’t drink and be on the computer late at night. Well, this past Friday I was sleeping and I heard something in the living room. He was on the computer in the living room looking up free live sex and learning how to set up a profile where no one can find out about it. He never knew I was listening in. I’m just so disgusted right now. I love him still but I’m not willing to sacrafice my health, time or happiness for somebody that is willing to go outside our marriage. I’m done. I think three stricks and you’re out.

    • Jewels July 3, 2013, 11:10 PM

      Hi turkytots,
      Yes the second time hurts more than the first, and as you can see from the website, it is very common. It makes me wonder why can’t we just talk. Just open up and say, Here is my desires, here are my fantasy’s and what I am feeling? I am getting urges to do this, and I am trying to handle it, but I need your help. In my opinion, I would much rather someone come to me and tell me about their desires than to sneak around behind my back. It’s more painful that way but for some reason, the sneaky late at night seems to be the method of choice. I am sorry you are going through this, and you are right, his behavior does impact other area’s of life. You start to live life questioning everything, losing health and stress increases. During this time just remember, he is responsible for his behavior, not you, and he has to be accountable for the ramifications of his behavior. I wish you well.

  • Done August 12, 2013, 6:01 PM

    We were already headed for divorce court when he started this.

    The first time I caught my husband getting on these online marital affair websites was after he had lost his job and was coming up to my office (I own my own business) to use the internet to look for a job. After about a week the computer (my brother’s) he was using started acting up, so one evening my brother and I were trying to figure out what was wrong and opened his history and saw what sites my husband had been going to. You talk about humiliating – to find out that your husband has the nerve to be doing that on your brother’s computer – not 3 feet from you. So he stopped coming to the office and just stayed home and used our dial up. Well it didn’t take me long to figure out his passwords so while he would stay up half the night chatting with these sluts, I would spend time the next day reading his chats. He was begging these women for sex. It was disgusting.

    He was seeing a therapist at the time and if brought up any of our problems he would blame everything on me because I would not go to marriage counseling with him. We had been before and I knew he saw marriage counseling as “fix her so she puts up with my crap without complaining.” So I surprised him and showed up at one of his counseling sessions. He saw my car when he pulled into the parking lot and would not even come inside. I had to go get him. Anyway, needless to say I let it rip in that session. Of course, he didn’t acknowledge a word that I had said. After I went to bed that very night, he got back on those websites and started begging for sex. When I got ready to go to bed the next night, I told him that I was going to bed so he could get back on his slutty websites. He first tried to lie his way out of it, first he denied it, then he said that the only reason he had gotten on the night before was to cancel it, when I said then why were you on them all day today, he said that he had gotten on one and then started watching TV and forgot to log off. I told that was funny since he had been on quite a few different sites all day. His response was to become outraged and say “How dare you bring that up.” My mouth hit the floor, I was speechless. How dare I bring it up, I guess in his mind I should just forget about it. While he was packing some clothes to go to his mother’s I removed his house key and his alarm remote from his key ring. He told me he had another set of keys so I told him that he would not get back into my house. (It legally is my separate property.) That was on a Friday night.

    The following Monday he came back to the house after I left for work and saw the note I had left on the door that the alarm code had been changed, so it didn’t matter if he had keys. He drove straight to my office and said he couldn’t believe that I did that. I said well I can’t believe a lot of what you have been doing. I let him follow me back to the house so he could get some more clothes and he yelled at me the entire time and then told me that he had decided that he wasn’t going to lie to me anymore and that he wasn’t going to get on any of those websites anymore – because his mother’s computer was broke and the computers at the library had filters on them so they wouldn’t go to those sites. Pretty convincing isn’t he.

    Anyway that evening he called his therapist and actually told her the truth about why he left and went to his mother’s. She told me the next day that her response was that she was surprised that I hadn’t told him it was over right then. Well the only reason I didn’t was because my attorney told me to keep my mouth shut until he had the papers ready to file.

    My decision was based on a lot of other things besides his online cheating, including his addiction to prescription pain medication. But the final straw was the fact that he felt justified in lying to me about anything and everything. We couldn’t work on anything because he would not acknowledge that there were any problems other than his complaints, he totally ignored my concerns and complaints in our marriage, all that mattered was his and as long as I did not act, do and say exactly what he wanted then he was justified in going elsewhere for sex. Well he can also go elsewhere to get his bills paid. – To0 bad that the only place he has found to go is his mother’s house. He did date an ex girlfriend for a few months, but it didn’t take her long to decide she wasn’t putting up with him. Guess no one else is beating down his door to pay his bills and put up with his crap.

    I haven’t been too sad because I don’t think there was ever anything there to start with, he just wanted someone to pay the bills and make the decisions, but I am having difficulty getting past the anger. We had been friends for over 30 years when we got married and I thought there was a deep respect between us. Of course, it wasn’t until a few years into the marriage when I realized that he had never taken responsibility for his behavior, nothing in his entire life has been his fault. He feels justified in everything he does because he grew up without a father. But he sure never cut me any slack because I also grew up without a father.

    A

    • Jewels August 19, 2013, 12:39 AM

      Hi Done,
      Thanks for sharing, men that cheat and blame the wife, it’s just sad. Sad that they do not take responsibility for their actions. That is something we need to teach in schools, how to be responsible for your own actions. That one lesson would save alot of marriage. At a certain age, we have to stop blaming our circumstances for our actions. No father, no mother, daddy was an alcoholic. We all have a story and there will always be a story to top yours, and an example of someone who had a similar story, but didn’t use their situation to excuse everything wrong they did in life.

      I know you mentioned you are having a hard time getting past the anger. I would just be glad you know now. Be glad it wasn’t years later. Be glad you are no longer accepting his lies. Be glad you can get out of the situation. And work hard to get rid of the anger, because if you hold onto it, he wins.

  • Ms. understood August 20, 2013, 2:24 PM

    I have recently gone through the same thing. My husband was flirting with another woman and I accidently came across it one night he told me to look up something in his phone. I was crushed when I saw it! I guess it hurts so much is because thats how we met…and he told me that it was only to relive stress or what not, but why not get a hobby? Why do something that could jeopardize what we have just to get you ego stroked? That makes no sense to me at all. Why get married if youre still acting single behind my back? From reading I see that we all have a little in common but how do you move on? I love my husband with everything I have in me but how do you get past this….

  • Done August 26, 2013, 11:56 AM

    I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I could not get past it, of course, as I stated above, we had a lot of other problems. I just knew that life was too short to live with the worry. Good luck.

    • Jewels August 31, 2013, 8:12 AM

      Ms. Understood,

      Yes it does hurt, I know you ask why get married? Well some people are just greedy. You ask how to you get past this? It takes time and effort. The first effort has to do with your husband. Is he willing to be transparent? Is he willing to discuss the affair so that the both of you can learn and grow together, or does he want you to get over it. Is he willing to go to therapy or willing to read a book on recovery. It starts with his effort, he has got to put in the effort, and then you can follow his lead, not the other way around. If he isn’t willing to do these things, then that is an entirely different topic. The other thing it takes is time. Trust has been crushed, and you have to build it back on brick at a time, if your husband if willing to put in the work. Take Care.

  • Kevin September 26, 2013, 2:43 PM

    I have been feeling incredibly guilty the past few months. I have looked at porn and visited chat rooms. I have never broadcasted myself or really engaged in any sexual chat. However some of the sites are sexual in nature and women my post pictures or send. I love my wife so much and have been clean now for over a year following an incident at work where my work computer was monitored. I told my wife about it but only mentioned porn sites. She did not want to know details. I feel I’m moving on but should I tell her more or ask for her forgiveness. I feel I’ve had a problem since we broke up and got back together years ago and it just turned Inot a bad habit. Like I said. I feel so bad. We have two kids and I’m so lucky. How can I move on or try and forgive myself?

    Kevin

    • Jewels September 29, 2013, 9:49 PM

      Hi Kevin,

      Well I guess it depends on a couple of factors. Are you beating yourself up because you did not tell her about the photo exchanges, or is there more that you did and did not tell? Also, do you feel you are over it (porn/pics, ect.) or do you feel an urge to engage again (or have you). Once I know a little bit more I can share some thoughts.

      Jewels

  • Kara October 3, 2013, 9:56 AM

    First off, THANK YOU for putting this site together even if the reason why utterly stinks. Secondly, I’ve been picking my way through this & doing A LOT of soul searching but it’s still nice (and frightening) to know that I’m not alone. I’ve been living in this “special version of hell” since Feb when I discovered the hubs was using Facebook for online action off & on since 2009. In the beginning I used to ask myself “how could I not know?” then after giving myself a much deserved break from the guilt & shame I realized that it wasn’t something I’d expected him, the man I married, to do and that it was HIS CHOICE. I’ve accepted that I have control over one person and one person only, ME. I believe he’s sorry but I don’t believe that I deserve to be treated this way. Cheating has always been a deal breaker for me and I’ve always been upfront about that. IMHO he’s got a nasty habit but life is too short to live in fear and I’m not willing to stay for the even the next 5 always looking over my shoulder. It’s sad that it’s taken me 5 years, kids & multiple deployments to see that his decision making skills are seriously lacking but at least I know now what’s been going on, I’m able to work through it and move on. Knowledge is power, right? Yeah, I wish things had been different. I certainly never intended for my life/our life to go this way but I’ve got no use for dwelling on the “shoulda-coulda-woulda’s”. Forgiveness is KEY and it’s a hard road to go down all by itself but it is possible. All you need is a little love & trust in yourself to overcome this kind of thing REGARDLESS if you stay or not.

    • Jewels October 9, 2013, 6:49 AM

      Hi Kara,

      You’re welcome, I know the circumstances are not ideal. Your comment was a wonderful message of pain, disappointment, hope, and forgiveness. You are right, forgiveness is hard, I have forgiven my ex-husband, and in doing so it freed me from a lot of walking pain. I wish you well as you sift through your own journey.

  • Sue October 5, 2013, 4:48 PM

    Hello,
    I don’t really know where to start without making this into al book.
    My husband of 2 1/2 years is now texting while he is at work and at times talking to other woman on the phone while I am at work, which I have caught him in lies new email address, that I didn’t know about and then him trying to talk to girls and guys he met on Craig’s list. After the first year of marriage he felt like we needed some excitement in our marriage and wanted me to try 3 sums with another man then moved into swapping or I guess it’s call swinging, we’re middle aged I don’t have any kids around and wanted to please him so I did for him. But seemed like it was one after another so this last summer I told him no more and it did end in a big fight. He left and came back pretty fast and said that losing me put him over the edge. I thought that it was over but he brings it up a lot stating he needs it, the excitement and I never text him sexy things anymore and “he’s bored”.
    Now it’s happening again new email on Craig’s list texting calling other woman, this time saying he’s not married and younger then he is.
    I treat him like a king do everything for him always give him sex pretty much anything he wants. So now I have lost all respect for him and not sure I can ever trust him again. He lies to the end.
    I pretty smart and my intuition has always been right, I tell him that it’s more the fact that he feels he has to lie to me that hurts the most. His father was a cheater and is still with his mother I don’t believe hid dad cheats anymore. But makes me think that he saw there was no consequence for his behavior.
    I have printed out all the emails and the call logs with a few pictures so I can confront him with my facts that I have collected.
    Some of my woman friends say that I should just ignore it because he give me anything I want supports me in everything I want to do and he is just looking for someone to text him when he’s bored.
    I personally can’t stand a liar and his lack of respect for me makes me sick.
    I don’t know if I should confront him “again” and hope he’ll change or just tell him I want a divorce.
    I love him deeply but think he is a sex addict and I don’t know what to do.
    Thanks

    • Jewels October 9, 2013, 7:00 AM

      Hi Sue,

      Yes it does seem that your husband has some issues, and he seems content in being that way. I know your friends say leave it alone you have it good, but unfortunately, that is how it start, texts. Then phone calls, then meet up’s. He has admitted to you that he is in need of more excitement, which is very common. I guess what you have to figure out is he feels the only way to fulfill his excitement is outside of the marriage. Think about your approach, the goal is to get him to really open up, and if he feels attacked, he is going to attack back versus talk. I know how you feel about the respect thing, I am the same way. Knowing someone is lying or going behind my back really hurtful, I would rather talk, however painful it may be.

  • ANN October 7, 2013, 1:11 PM

    We were happy with my boyfriend, our sexual life was good, emotional connection strong. We planned to have a family, and we were 1.5 years together. However, I found that my boyfriend cheated on me online with random women, in chat rooms, all this time. He exchanged pictures and had dirty chats, although never tried to meet them… I found this in his PC by myself, he did not confess by himself! All these women whom I saw, look totally unattractive (those who barely could attract someone at all)…He explained to me that they did not mean anything to him, and for him was no matter how they look, and he did it because he has low self-esteem. I told him that i am moving from him and leaving him. Then he understood that he losing me, and started to ask me to not leave him, to give him chance, cause he feels really sorry and that he made a BIG mistake. He wants to work on relationship, to change and to never cheat again. He visited a therapist to work on his psychological problems. I don’t know if I should give him a chance. I feel that he regrets, I see him, but my trust is destroyed. I’m not sure if it is possible to recover this relationship, but he tells he will try until the end- he only now understood how much he loves me…
    I’m afraid that if i forgive, he will take me for granted, cheat again at the moment when i will need him the most – for example, during be pregnant!!!!
    I’m lost and confused. I would like to know if there is someone who lived happily and recovered their love and trust after cheating.

    • Jewels October 9, 2013, 7:07 AM

      Hi Ann,

      There are marriages that recover, very few. The amount of work and effort it takes on both sides can be overwhelming. You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend, when you are married, is it much more difficult. And after all the work to recover, it still might not survive. Good that he admitted that he has some problems, and is willing to see a therapist. As far as staying, your concern is real. His issue is real. I think that he needs some time alone to get himself together. It’s hard to work on yourself in a major way, work, and be a girlfriend. He can not guarantee after therapy that he will stop. I think he needs to take some time to get himself together, and that does not require you. Unfortunately he took a chance in losing you every day he talked to other women. If you stay and have his child and it doesn’t stop, you will be so devastated.

  • He_lied March 3, 2014, 7:05 PM

    It’s been a year since d-date. My husband had been sexting other women pretending to be “franky” a false profile. He seemed to text anyone willing I never found naked pictures that he sent, only a few from one girl exposing her breast. I contacted all the woman saying it never went past text; except the woman who sent the topless photos. She said he met her once in person but that he let shortly after he arrived. I tracked the girl down she was about 200lbs heavier than her pictures revealed. But still I couldn’t be sure they didn’t have sex so I made him take a polygraph…he passed but this only made me more upset I still don’t know why. He has changed his ways and I’m still stuck in limbo. I can’t forgive or leave. I will admit I’m ins lightly better shape one year later although I can’t get through a week without crying about his secret fantasy. My gut says it never went further than what I know, it’s humiliating to have to think my love would betray me. How could I love someone so much who doesn’t love me back.

    • Jewels May 28, 2014, 9:49 PM

      He_lied,
      It looks like I missed your post, and just now seeing it. Please share an update when you can and I will be sure to respond quickly, as I am not curious. I will tell you do not ever be ashamed of his acts of insecurity. That is what this appears to be, as he seems not to go far with many of the women, which is actually a good thing if that is true, because that means he actually has made a decision not to pursue. At the same time, I can understand how you can feel embarrassed, that is how I felt as first as well. Years later, I know better now. Take care, hugs to you and update status if you can.

  • nikki May 27, 2014, 12:13 PM

    Hi,

    I cannot believe I have found this site at such a time of my life that I’m experience much of the same as what many women on here have 🙁

    I found out this weekend that my boyfriend has AGAIN re-instated a dating profile and has been flirting / sexting random women online. This behaviour has already happened in our past and he promised that he would stop. He admits that he has adopted this behaviour from being very young, and that he uses it as ‘stress release’ particularly when he feels stressed. He admits to having low self esteem and somewhat enjoying the attention. The problem is that he has been depressed (on and off) and has very little sex drive.

    So not only is he rejecting me sexually, i find he releases these tensions on the internet?

    Every other aspect of our relationship (despite sexual) is pretty great. we are like the best of friends in most cases and we have been through so much, i feel so deeply connected to him (and him me, or so he says) which seems to keep me holding on. He has always been a little guarded in affection, but over the years (4 years) we have moulded to understand each other and I accept he is not a carbon copy of me!

    he has confided in me over the years very personal (and freakish) fantasies – all of which we have enjoyed together as a couple. We even had a brief ‘open status’ relationship a year ago when i was living away. This didn’t exactly work, and so (i thought) i was clear that this was now over…

    But still this i struggle to understand – why the rejection, why the internet gratification? many of these women (no disrespect) are not even what I would consider attractive, or what i believe my partner would find attractive, which makes the whole thing worse!

    Needless to say, the trust in our relationship is low. He thinks is ‘harmless’ and ‘will stop’, but i see this as extremely painful and have already given him one – and more actually – chances.

    I don’t want to be a ‘phycho’ needy, jealous, insecure and paranoid lover. flinching every time he gets a text…itching every second he’s out to go through his computer / iPad / phone. I just don’t know how to not be this way.

    Ive asked him if he would come to therapy with me but he just says “i don’t think we need it”.

    I don’t really know what I’m looking for with this…i just feel a little relief writing it, relating it to the other stories i just read.

    I think this whole area of ‘online cheating’ is as devastating as the ‘real deal’, because it causes the same feelings and reactions…Im glad I’ve read some opinions to sit on it for a while and not make any rash decisions…but I just want it to go away. I wish it never came into my life. I love this guy so much, and i just suppose I want things to be ok. I don’t want however to seem like a doormat, or a pushover, or someone with no self respect….I don’t know how to get that back, whilst giving him one more chance?

    • Jewels May 29, 2014, 5:22 AM

      Hi Nikki,

      I understand your confusion and what you are going through. You want so hard to not think like you are thinking, but it is right in front of you. What I will tell you is sometimes life won’t let you ignore life. Meaning if you can’t get rid of those thoughts, question why. When I was with my ex-husband, everything was always drama, we clashed. But I didn’t want to admit it, I had two kids, we just closed on a house. And the only problem was that we had communication issues. Us communicating always turned into arguments. And I would tell myself, that is crazy to divorce over that one thing, but that one thing caused 90% of the problems, and if we were better at communicating, maybe some of his thoughts around cheating would of surfaced. For your situation, I know everything else is perfect, which is very difficult to deal with, but that part that is not ok wrecks havoc on your entire mental state, and that should not be taken lightly. What you have to ask yourself is what are you afraid of losing? Tackle that fear and it will open up some more emotions for you to deal with, take care.

  • heartbrokenandbitter June 20, 2014, 11:43 AM

    I know I am a little late on this thread… but I guess that only means that the internet cheating has not gotten better… My family recently moved across country. During that move my husband of 8 years had to stay behind. When he finally came to meet us at his family’s home I felt not only when he came to us but while he was gone something was off. I felt very unimportant disconnected etc. I was taking our daughter to get some items from her aunts home. She wanted to stay with grandma for the night with her sister. Well during that drive his phone went off. I looked. What I originally found was something that was devastating enough… had I only known I wish that was the extent of it all. I seen that his friend sent pics of his soon to be ex wife to an email address I had no knowledge of. I would not let it go. He got into that email acct and tried to make me believe that is all it was. Well I was smart enough to check the trash… big mistake. He had signed up for different sex hook up dating chatting web cam etc sites. I eventually got access to those. Imagine reading your husband writing what hotel he was in and wanted any one to come so he could screw them go down on them etc. He mentioned that he was married but that he was interested in a relationship.. it was a long night for us. Many long nights. I kept looking kept searching. He never admitted anything until after I found it. Numerous accts so many pics I would actually search hack the acct delete pics remove acct etc. I feel so broken inside.. I realized this had been going on for at least 3 years. I was pregnant with our baby when he signed up. She was barely two months old on another. He traded pics with a friend from high school and why when I was there, not only did I love and want him but I was more attractive than her. I was the mother of his three kids. I can never understand why I wasn’t good enough… hell even just enough would have been fine. He put many pics of his self online and he even posted hers too. Three days after our child’s birthday. It has completely broken my heart. I don’t know how to deal how to heal how to trust not hurt etc. He has cried he has said how he loves me now. That he was bitter because of the hurt I caused early in our marriage. I haven’t been perfect I was young I made mistakes but I thought we were better. I had no idea I was in love with someone who did not even respect the fact that I raise his children. I mean I was going through a miscarriage while he was grieving by sending pics of himself to some girl. I will never understand that. I was at a low point and felt so along in that loss of a baby. I had been naive to think that he would truly always love me. I have difficulty understanding all that has been done I have a hard time trying to make sense of the last 8 years. What part was real? What moments and memories? How do I trust after about 50 pics seeing how you wanted to cheat in person with anyone but me. How I wasted 8 years in love with someone who did not even respect me. How do I move on? I seriously don’t know how to deal. He has loved me these last 6 weeks more than I ever knew I could be loved. I don’t want to lose that. I have been so in love with this man and have allowed myself to be treated so badly. He would make me feel stupid or talk down to me I figured I deserved it. I knew if I just still loved him and showed him that he would eventually love me too. I don’t understand how he didn’t care who he would talk to sleep with etc that his kids and wife in a different state and he calls out where he is staying cause he was looking for fun. I don’t know if he ever talked aside from the friend or slept with anyone but either way it hurts. He took pics while at work…. I can never understand that. How he hated me so very much to betray me. I was a good wife and a good mother. Now I’m broken hurt bitter. Some days I feel I cannot go on. I love my girls but the process to have them was so thought out. I wish I would have known how much he hated me. He claims he didn’t but also claimed he didn’t love me like he should. That’s an understatement. How to move on…. I don’t know I really cant get over the hurt. My world has been shattered to know different things other that the reality I thought I was in. I hate that he did this to me. I knew I wanted him forever. I had I no idea he was hoping secretly I would pack up and leave with his kids. He did not even care that he not only destroyed me and broke my heart that had he done non-repairable damage that he would have lost and broken their hearts too. How could he be so selfish. For what? I may not be the hottest sexiest woman alive but I am beautiful I am loving…. I am me. The one that he chose to marry and promised to never hurt. Yet here I am beyond repair and broken. My world will never be the same. I love how he has been how he has shown me so much love. But why did it take breaking my heart to get here. When I had been loving him and only him for years. He did not even care. I will be called dumb I’m sure for not noticing. For trusting and even for staying. I don’t know how to be me. I have loved him and him alone since I was 22 how do I let that go, I know how great we could be. Yet I am ruining it by going back to this every night searching for more…. crying and being sad. I wish I could not hurt and pretend it didn’t happen. The love I have now… finally the love I deserve I can never leave that. I may end up ruining it if I cant find a way cope with this heartbreak. I know that.

    • Jewels June 25, 2014, 5:59 AM

      Hi Heartbrokenandbitter,
      I am sorry you are going through such pain, I can feel the deep level of hurt through your words. A couple of things to share with you. He didn’t cheat because he hated you or was out to get you or didn’t care. He cheated because he wanted to cheat. And you have to work hard to really let that statement in, without adding anything additional. We often punish ourselves in our pain by attaching statements that we feel are true, but are not grounded. He has shown you so much love because the women he was hooking up with were women that were not on your level at all, he just wanted them for sex. You on the other hand, are a beautiful woman with many asserts. And he knows that. And now he is scared that you might leave. You mentioned something about him talking down to you which is concerning. Your husband should be lifting you up, not belittling you or putting you down. I hope he is not still partaking in those type of activities. You will be ok, it first start with realizing how great of a person you are. I don’t think you believe that, but you are. Your husband should be doing everything in his power to prevent you from leaving. I know you mentioned you don’t know if you can forgive him. And that is ok as well. This is your time to reflect, if you can get into therapy that would be great, as it will help sort out all of your emotions. The heartbreak is really tough, but there are thousands of women who have been though this, and found a way to smile again, you will as well! Hugs to you!

  • Kelly April 26, 2015, 8:32 AM

    Hi Jewels,
    I have been searching for answers online and found your blog. I am so lost and don’t know what to do, I am so scared of what my life is going to become.
    I love my fiancé so much and he says he loves me, he looks after my 3 kids and me when I am ill but he has always lied to me ever since I met him and he has admitted having a problem telling the truth and has never done it before. I had faith in him and helped him to learn to tell the truth and since then he hasn’t lied to me as much and when he does- he quickly owns up.
    I am now 4 months pregnant with our child- we both wanted one- we wanted something between us and we wanted to bring our own child up together. (Another man brings his child up and he brings up mine with me) but I have found him on dating sites and chat/hook up apps several times over the course of our relationship- we have been together 1 year. The first time was a few months in, I was so deliriously happy, I thought I had found the one- I knew about his history and he knew mine and we both had problems- we were so well suited and could understand each other. The first time he did something was when he planned to spend a night in a hotel with his “ex” I found out by reading his e mails and what hurt the most was the trouble he had gone to to cover it up. He had told her to pretend she was an employer and to e mail him with headers etc so he could show it to me and pretend he was going on a work trial. He didn’t go in the end- because I didn’t like the sleeping out but and I kicked up a huge fuss and stopped him going. Even then I didn’t know what was really going on- and he left me for 2 hours that day to go and discuss the matter with the employer so he said- he later confessed that he was with her- apparently telling her to leave him alone. I know she hassled him into it cause she was stalking him for months before we got together and tried to split us up a few times before this. But he had agreed to go and had even concocted an alibi!
    I forgave him for this and we moved on. It was probably weeks later that he had installed a chat app and was talking to a women on there as I saw a message pop up on his phone screen and he instantly deleted it and said he had no clue what it was. It took him a week or so to come clean on that one and I also found in his e mails at the same time that he was on a gay hook up site- which I checked out and was horrified at what I saw. Not the kind of place you want to find your boyfriend. He has told me that he sometimes gets low and lonely and needs someone to talk to and he will talk to anyone? I know he doesn’t have any friends- much like myself because of our mental health issues. I have issues with spending- always have, not sure why yet but he sometimes uses this to justify his behaviour. He smokes weed and makes out that he is not addicted and only needs it once a fortnight- but he is constantly getting it- every few days!!
    I found him on a chat app a few weeks ago- he seems to think it’s not as bad as a dating site but it’s basically the same thing- only a smartphone app version- the description of the app is to meet, flirt and chat in your area. He was talking to a few women and had a gay guy added as a friend also. He was telling the women he was single and had moved to Scotland on his own (we moved here together 6 months ago for a fresh start!!) he was flirting and asking them what they were doing that night and bragging about driving. He was apologetic as usual, he gets angry sometimes that I “won’t believe him” that he “wasn’t looking for anything” just wanted to chat! He has even smashed his phone- the time he got the pop up message.
    Then last week he had installed another chat app but had deleted it straight away it seems- which is good, an improvement. He said he realised what he was doing and took it off cause he knew it would kill me. I found out cause I saw his download history on his iPhone. It’s funny though as he only downloaded it once I’d turned family sharing off at his request cause he said he was having trouble downloading something so he obviously planned it and thought I would never see. He said something about it being pointless as nobody was local- could that be the only reason he deleted it? He said he knew that from the start and didn’t want to talk to locals? I think he is very good at lying. I talked to his ex wife who wished me luck and said he did this to her all the time and that he is very good at it. She even described some of his behaviours to a T. I was shocked as I thought he had changed since meeting me and some of the things she said he was still doing.
    I let all of this go, I created a profile myself on the same site he had tried and had men telling me how beautiful I am etc and then showed it to him. He got upset but he knows I only did it to show him how it feels and I didn’t let him “find out” I just showed him the next day cause I couldn’t stand to be on it- I am not like that.
    So the past couple days I’ve been sick in bed again with my pregnancy (one of the times he did this was when I was sick in bed all day every day) and he has been complaining about me not doing anything in the house so today whilst he has taken a nap- I searched his laptop. His history is suspiciously clean but I found 4 disgusting porn videos recently downloaded and the other night he had lubricant at the side of the bed. I am devastated- why is he watching porn? Is he imagining that he is having sex with those women? I hate being pregnant- my first husband did this to me- with the porn. Your body is changing, you are carrying their child and they repay you by jerking off to some other women? And I know how fantasising leads to real life sex and then an affair!! He has recently had women looking at him in the street and trying to flirt with him cause he is gorgeous in my eyes- he looks amazing and I too would look at him- but that doesn’t help me! When I met him I was a slim size 10, my hair was long, my skin was great and I had plenty of guys after me but I chose him. Now I’m pregnant, fat, spotty, short hair, and a size 16. And only 4 months in! I have 2 older children and a 3yr old to look after- all my attention went on her before and it will soon be taken up by a screaming baby- and what if I am on my own? I feel I would have to put the baby into care if he left, I just can’t see how I will manage 4 kids on my own. He is the only man so far who has stepped up and looks after them all as his own. And they adore him!
    He threatens to leave quite a lot, and I have read messages to his friends asking if they have room for him and he tells his dad he might leave me and paints a picture of me being clingy and hacking his Facebook etc and spending all our money- he paints this horrible picture of me yet tells me he loves me and can’t live without me!? I’m so confused and scared.
    He has recently been diagnosed with epilepsy and has seizures- another Thing we have to deal with. He also blamed that for his mood swings and feeling lonely. I think we need couples counciling- definitely. But I also think from reading this blog that I need a plan B. When you took a year to leave your husband were you together during that time? I like the idea of planning so I know me and my kids will be ok, but does that mean still sleeping with them knowing that they are still probably cheating? Whether in the flesh or online it is still cheating in my eyes- even porn- I consider cheating. So in effect he has cheated on me more than several times!! I have NEVER fantasised about another man or even dreamt of talking to someone else or feeling the need to pleasure myself or watch porn. So why does he? Am I not good enough for him? 🙁

    • Jewels April 30, 2015, 6:54 AM

      Hi Kelly,

      First thing first, take a deep inhale, now release. Ok. Thank you (smile).

      So many things to say, but I will keep it short. Number 1 – never ever again try to think that you can change someone. If he lies when you meet him, that is who he is. He might be able to change temporarily, but not long term – unless the change comes from him. You mentioned that you got him to change his ways, when the change comes from an outside party, it is always temporary, always.

      As far as the porn and the women looking at him, I would not really focus on that too much. Porn is a serious problem for millions of men. It is addicting and becomes an issue, but you are pregnant and have to really think about what you want to address. You are attached his porn to you, saying it’s because he doesn’t find you attractive, ect. and that may not be true at all. He may just like watching porn. Try not to take it very personal.

      Him trying to lie and get a hotel room with him ex? That’s a problem. Chat apps, that can turn into an affair real quick. Glad he deleted it.

      I know you have baby on the way. And I am glad you are seeking to be more strategic and yes you have to because of the kids. Yes I stayed for almost a year before I actually left. Prior to that it look me months to decide for sure that I was going to leave. For you, I would go into observe mode versus trying to get him to stop mode. You can’t live your life constantly trying to stop him from doing things, and raise kids. Tell him what you expect, then watch and see what he does. If he can not stop himself from all the lies and women, then you should start thinking about your options. There are always options. It might take a while for you to figure out what those options are, but know you have them. If you have to save up money then do it. Yes there was a time that I lived with my husband and I knew I was planning to leave. During that time, I tried not to focus on my ex-husband at all. I came home, took care of the kids, conversations were really short because engaging with him was too painful and by not engaging too much helped me mentally prepare to leave.

  • Devsatedsally September 10, 2015, 8:30 AM

    Hi Jewels or anyone else that can advise

    I have been with my husband for 23 years we have 3 grown up children. My husband has pretty much been a perfect husband and father. I’m left truly heartbroken after finding out 18 months ago he had an online/texting/phone calls affair. He maintains they never met up and she was an old school friend, reaquantied through face book.. This has left a gaping whole in my life, he could not offer much explanation at the time but was truly sorry etc, I believed him and we started to rebuild our relationship. I struggled on a daily basis and he knew this, however feb of this year I came across a secret Twitter account he had for over three years, he was posting explicit sexual stuff and chatting in a very sexual nature with numerous women.. Exchanging nude pictures. Obviously I asked him to leave, over the weeks he expressed remorse, said it was addiction, glad he got caught etc etc.. I believed and tried to work again on us.. He came home, over the past few months things have been amazing with us, he’s been supportive and understanding.. Doing all I ask to reassure etc… But a week ago again, third time now I caught him downloading a mobile chat app again, nothing sexual on it but he was chatting to woman.
    I am at a loss of what to do I’m consumed with pain, I don’t understand, I know he loves me, but how can I ever trust or forgive three times.. We have just started couple relate, he wants to do everything he can to put things right. Councillor said we can work through this with hard work.. I just don’t know if I can do it… What do people think. Is there a chance or am I just clinging on

  • Kelly September 24, 2015, 4:29 PM

    Hi Jewels,
    Thanks for your reply above- I just wanted to come back with an update. I am now at full term pregnancy due any time now and since my first post- I have found him on a dating site yet again saying he was single and talking to local women. There was nothing derogatory or rude- he was just talking to them and saying he was looking for someone special. This really broke my heart so late in my pregnancy when I thought everything was going good and moving forward! Again he apologised and said he was getting back at me for accusing him of chatting to people a few weeks prior to this! So I accuse him of something then he does it?
    Not long after that I was informed by one of his work colleagues that he has kissed another girl in his work place down a back alley on a night where he had stayed behind work drinking- had been attacked by some drunks and ended up in hospital for the night. I found out that before this attack he had been kissing this girl and pretending to be her man to help her escape some other guy who was harassing her!
    Then the worst bit came out- not from him- he would never have told me any of this- but after someone digging for me it turned out that he didn’t even spend the night in hospital! He was discharged and went home with the same girl as she had followed him to hospital. He tells me he doesn’t remember a thing as he was concussed which he was indeed ill for a few days afterwards and throwing up etc. He claims to have no memory of leaving the hospital or getting to her flat- just that he woke up next to her in his hospital gown and doesn’t think he would have been able to perform or have sex. This has really killed me inside- and after days of hassling this girls friend I’ve been told that they did not have sex but I can’t help but wonder if the girls are covering up for him- after all the same girl told me herself that he had stayed in hospital that night. He has cried and cried and gone as far as to say if anything had happened it would have been rape cause of the state he was in, he never fully denied it- just always said he couldn’t remember but if he had done something then he had done it and he’s sorry. But now he is pleased to learn that apparently nothing happened. Anyway I am trying to get through each day and live with it and forgive him- I don’t want to break up what we have and our family cause of one mistake. But I am very shocked as I never thought it would go beyond internet chatting so I just wanted to let you all know that Jewels is right about a person not changing and I will probably go through something like this again and next time I hope I am strong enough to leave but this is the ultimate last chance- I am trying to see if the relationship can be saved because I do love him and believe he loves me- even if he did cheat and make a mistake and I think our baby deserves a chance to be brought up by both parents together. But just the one chance…. I don’t think I’ll forgive anything like this again.

  • Tam October 22, 2015, 5:01 PM

    Well here it is my husband and I have been together 12 years and the 1st time I ever found anything on his phone was 6 years ago it has been going on for 4-6months at that time I was just using his phone I was not looking for anything…. Well he was sending her kisses and was saying I love you, they had never met she had talk about it but he would change the subject so that stopes because of me…… Then we talked and moved on, since then I can’t even tell you off and on how many times that he has done the same thing they don’t talk longbans he stops them before it goes anywhere, its mostly dateing sites were you can only see pictures but you have to pay to talk to them which so far he has not been willing to pay way to cheap, but you do have to make a account and he puts he is single ( which is saying my kids and are not here….. So every time I find then I go in to the accounts and change them to show him as gay, that way men are writing to him and if I go back in and see that it’s been changed then you know he was back on, just yesterday I found a new one he stated talking to and because she asked he sent her a pic of his face, his reazed is always the same work is so stressing………… Lol sorry but to be it’s funny because we have 2 kids together one who has autism/a.d.h.d our other one a.d.h.d / asthma…… I run the house and everything else and 3 months ago had something very bad happen to myself that I am still working on myself… He has 2 different jobs which one I work with him, but no matter how tired I am I always make time to lessen to him and talk to him and give him what he needs in bed.

    • Jewels November 15, 2015, 7:20 AM

      Hi Devsatedsally, Kelly, and Tam,

      I hope all of you are doing well. I am behind on replies and have read all of your stories/updates. Things may have changed since you posted your last message. Let me know how things are now and I will respond to you. Take care!

  • Nancy January 17, 2016, 11:36 PM

    Hello, I am feeling less depressed after reading everyone’s story. I have been married with my husband for 3 yrs and currently pregant with our first child. Lately I noticed that my husband had been staying up late typing on his computer. Also when I entered the room, he quickly closed webpages on his computer and stopped typing. When I asked him whom he was talking to, he would get annoyed and claimed that he needed his privacy, and that I should respect his alone time and quit being paranoid. I told him I felt hurt that he was bring secretive, but his response was “stop imaging things”. I dont know what to do, I love him. I dont want a divorce. I want my son to have a happy complete family. I feel I am so weak. He set up a password to his accout, I cant get access to it, so I cant check his browsing history. It drives me crazy that I know something isnt right, butni cant do anything about it. Please, help me! What can I do yo make myself feel better.

  • Ali February 14, 2016, 4:36 PM

    I’ve just found out my husband has been chatting to women on-line on a dating website. It’s a website that revolves around sex so he’s obviously been talking quite explicitly to them about what he wants to do to them. I’m angry and disappointed. When I approached him he eventually admitted what he had been doing and that it had been going on about 5/6 months. We have a 6 month old baby! So whilst I was waking up to nurse our newborn baby he was downstairs talking dirty to all these women. It just makes me feel sick. Our relationship hasn’t been good for a while. We have been together for 5 years and married for 3. We also have a 2 year old daughter. Ive also found other stuff like a conversation with a female friend on Facebook who he wanted to meet up with after his Christmas party in a hotel! She didn’t reply but if she had would he have gone and cheated? He seems to think there is nothing wrong with this as he has lots of female friends and just wanted to catch up with her. I’m quite chilled when it comes to him having female friends but this doesn’t seem right to me. He’s admitted to being a flirt and also said he’s thought about cheating on me but couldn’t do it as he loves me too much! Thanks!
    Anyway, we had a long conversation about what’s gone on and he said he felt like I’ve been neglecting him and he’s missed the affection and love that I used to give him and just wants to feel wanted. This is all well and good but my answer was, do these women really make him feel loved and wanted? I can’t imagine so. I really don’t know what to do as to me this is cheating whether or not its online or not. We have 2 beautiful children and he’s a wonderful dad and helps alot but I don’t know if I can ever trust him again. He’s said he will get help as he knows what he has done isn’t right and has also agreed to relationship counciling. I don’t know if alot of this stems from his childhood as his mum was an alcoholic and then she was murdered so he never really had that motherly love.
    I’m just so gutted as I never thought it would come to this. I do love him but am disgusted by his behaviour. I won’t be making any decisions just yet. He keeps telling me now how much he loves me and doesn’t know how he will cope if we split up. My head us all over the place!

    • Jewels February 21, 2016, 8:21 PM

      Hi Ali,

      It’s a tough call, especially with children involved.If he is willing to get help, tell him to own it and go get help. If he wants to save the marriage, he has to take responsibility. I know this may sound strange, but most men do not consider online flirting cheating. Most women do. Which means there needs to be a conversation around it. Online engagement with women can get very addictive. If he is using it as an outlet because he missing the affection ect because of kids and normal life stresses, maybe he should go into counseling to see how he can build his self-esteem up. With kids, he is not going to be #1, they are, so you are not going to have the luxury of always being affectionate ect. and that is not your fault at all, that is life. Long story short, watch him behavior, it will tell you what to do. Make sure he takes the lead, if he is serious about making it work, then he will do what it takes. If he is not serious, his words will fall short with no action. Take care and make you find some time to take care of YOU.

  • Wyvern June 26, 2016, 12:14 AM

    It doesn’t even have to be dating sites or porn. Facebook is so convenient and ‘everyone’ uses it.
    My guy had a 2 month online affair with a slag who is also toying along 3 other men. He had also been texting her and calling her so much I gasped when I saw the phone bill and let him have an serious earful. He tried to be defensive, saying it was her calling and texting him. BS mister, they’re all labeled in or out and they were mostly OUTgoing to her.
    He though he was so slick denying anything was going on. I’m not a fool. I’m not an idiot. I broke him down. He was feeling lsost from me but rather than come and talk to me, he chose her. I own my part in the breakdown of communication, but I REMAINED FAITHFUL. They’d gotten friendly in a FB group, she sent him private messages, they get to talking, next thing you know, she’s sending him naked pictures of herself! After it was over, I found his FB open and read through TWO months’ worth of conversations between them, including the photos sent back and forth. I was sick with disgust. He tought he could even keep her as ‘friend’. What a load of crap!!

    I now have passwrods to ALL his emails, FB, Google+, everything. He has ZERO privacy and knows I WILL check in whenever I feel like it. He promises its all over, but I am still dealing with the grief, pain, and anger. We both want this to work, we both accept our parts in communication break down, but he gets defensive when I still have days – only 3 months on – of crying and being upset. I’ve explained to him my healing will take as long as it takes and since HE is the one who chose to hurt me, he has to work hard to understand that I can’t ‘just get over it’ like that.
    I’m still angry. Somedays it’s all I can do to bottle it up. We can’t afford counseling, and none of my friends know what has happened and I have to keep acting like everything just fine and dandy, when really I want to scream and break things.

  • Cutey January 5, 2017, 8:04 AM

    Please can you help me i suspect this guy im chatting with online is cheating on me we are in early stages of a relationship it is hard because im here he’s working abroad. I have not much proof all i know is he lies sometimes. And he’s been online i think checking out profiles of other women but i cant be sure he’s talking to others.
    He’s dirty so he may be requesting dirty pictures from other women.
    I checked he’s been on there everyday and has been following 3 people. He could be chatting to them he knows i get jealous he doesn’t hardly ring me much yet he has time to go online and maybe chat to them. It could be inoccent too but i dont know whether i should ring him and confront him. But when he comes here we are meant to be meeting up because I haven’t met him yet face to face. If i lost him i would be heartbroken he’s everything i want in a man there wont be another man like him he has something about him. Plus he said he was unique and i cant let him go easily because i have such deep feelings for him I’ve fallen in love with him i message him a lot he reads them after a week but doesn’t always respond to them because he’s busy working there. Sometimes he rings but he’s always talking about sex a lot.
    Any advice you can give would help me its affected me a lot this week before i didn’t mind not talking to him much but now im not happy. He mainly rings every 4 weeks 6 weeks or once after 9 weeks.
    I don’t understand whats wrong with him.
    Thank you if you can help me i cant eat properly it affects my sleep too. I need help.

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