If you found your husband talking to other women online, realize that this type of discovery is happening all over the world. In my opinion, it is literally an epidemic. Online Cheating is something that is fairly new, and since it is new, women all over the world are trying to figure out what this is, if it is really cheating, and how to deal with it. In this article I am just going to level set on why it is so popular.
Online Cheating Popularity Fact #1 – It is popular because it is so easy. There are some statistics that say that men think about sex every 5 minutes. This doesn’t change when they get online. The problem is, when they go online, sex is all over the internet. It can be in the form of porn sites, dating sites, pictures that friends send (men send sexy, naughty pictures to each other all the time). In the past, to get this type of access to sex you would literally have to order it from a magazine. Now, it is as simple as typing in search. Doesn’t really help our cause in trying to keep the bond of a marriage when your man is constantly bombarded with sex on the internet. You know how they have filters for kids on the internet so they won’t see adult things, we need to have the same filter for men on the internet as it pertains to sex, if you know of any products of that sort – email me!!
Online Cheating Popularity Fact #2 - Online sex is addictive. What tends to happen (just like cheating), is that your husband thinks he is just going on a site, or chatting with a random chick just to try it out, or have a little fun for a night. The problem is, the next night, they say the same thing. Then both of you get in a fight, then it’s back to the chat room or porn site. Before HE knows it, he is addicted to the online sex world. It is almost like video game addicts; they get hooked in to this fantasy world and can’t stop playing. Men think they can control themselves when it comes to online sexual sites, chat rooms, etc. They get caught up, and usually the chats turn into calls, turn into visits, and then you end up with a cheating husband.
Online Cheating Popularity Fact #3 – Men don’t think flirting with women online is actually cheating. Here is the problem. It’s like when you go out to lunch with a ‘friend’ from the opposite sex. You think – I am not cheating, we are just having lunch. But there is a moment where you start having more lunches and you start to catch feelings. Both of you know it, but continue to see each other. Same EXACT thing happens online. Your man goes to a site, thinks nothing of it. Starts chatting with women and says to himself ‘I’m not cheating, it’s not like I am having sex or something, just flirting.’ But our husbands get to a point where it turns into something more, and instead of stopping, they continue until they are full out having sex with someone else. They think they are not cheating at first, but they actually are cheating with each level they advance in the online communication with someone else.
To sum it up, I wanted to give some context into why online cheating is so popular. There are so many facets to online cheating which I didn’t go into, but just realize if you’re a victim of it, you are not alone at all; this is happening and devastating families all over the world because as a society we don’t really know how to deal with it. That’s all for now. Take care everyone.
Jewels
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{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
i found out my husband was chatting up woman on the internet the 1st time i was really upset confronted him about it he didnt have much to say just apologised and stoped useing the web site ( the site wasnt a dateing site it was a forum like facebook and twitter)
it was soon for gotten and we got married the second time wasnt long after we got married ( i know some people wont agree with what i did the next few times but i had to know for sure)
he started acting odd staying up late to be online and closeing pages fast when i walked into the room ,i know more about computers than he does so i cheaked a few thing on the computer and there it was again same web site same conversations so i called up a friend and we talked about it she offered to pretend to be someone else and contact him and see how far he would go i agreed so she went about making a profile and contacking my husband it didnt take long for him to start chatting her up she sent me emails showing the conversations and they were very graphic and x rated she asked for a photo and this is the thing that killed me inside he sent her a pic of him on our wedding day and said it was his sisters wedding i felt numb i was so hurt but it didnt end there he soon wanted to meet up in person a day and time was set on the day he came to me and said it was his bosses birthday and he was invited to go out with them and that he was getting picked up and dropped home then left i called up my friend and she was suprised he had left , when he came home i tolled him eveything he said he didnt do it and didnt do anything wrong so i pack my stuff up and drove 7 hrs to my mums place within 2 weeks i was back with him he appologised and prommised not to do it again but never tolled me why he did it
about a month later i get an email from someone i didnt know with chat history from msn messenger in it haveing the same stuff in it the woman was apologiseing sayingshe didnt know he was married and that she thought i needed to know what he was up to i packed my stuff and left without a note or a phone call befor he got home from work all i left was a print out of the chat history
i went to mums we talked and mum said i should try sort it out see if it can be fixed and if not to get the rest of my stuff
so i called my husband up we talked and he gave me the i didnt do anything wrong crap so i tolled him we were over i then went out and ran into an old friend i slept with him i didnt regret it at all
i went back to get my stuff from my place and my husband had cleaned up the place cooked a dinner and got me presents long story short we got back together i tolled my husband that id been with someone else and he flipped out so i snapped and said well now u know how i feel we both agreed to work on our marrage and 3 months later we got pregnant
and so far he hasnt chatted anyone up on the net that i know of ,i cant even look at our wedding pictures at all they stay in the box never to see the light of day it hurts to much to look at them
well thats my story i welcome any feed back and opinions
Hello B25,
Welcome to the site. Well I have to say your technique in having your friend pose as another women was pretty good. I actually caught my breathe a little bit when you said the part about him sending the wedding pic, that was probably extremely painful to you (it was painful just me reading it). So here is what I think (keep in mind it’s just my opinion). You have 3 occasions where he has contacted other women in a sexual/flirtatious manner. Since it is 3 instances, I would not put it past him to do it again. He might be acting good now, but what typically happens is when things get tough, they resort back to their old ways. Does that mean you have to pack up and leave – not really. You are with child. There are alot of things you have to ask yourself. If you really want to work things out, I would consider that you both look into couples therapy as a start. If you want to leave but just not now (for whatever reason), you have that option. Just keep it cool, focus on the baby, and don’t really worry about next steps until after the baby. Or you can leave now. It really depends. The one thing that you have to keep in mind is that since he did this before, you should always be thinking about your plan B for your life (plan B meaning without him). So that if that day comes where you decide to leave, you have already got a pretty solid plan in place, especially given his past history. Good luck with everything, especially the baby!! Take Care!!
-Jewels
thanx jewels
yes it was very painful still is by useing one of our wedding pitures he has reuned that day for me and i cant get that back
i will be looking into sorting out a plan B ,i have a feeling that he will do it again and if you go by his past behaviour he most likely will
i do feel alot better geting this out and im thankfull for your web site being here and knowing im not alone
No problem B25, keep in touch!
I feel that chatting with another male or female online is fine as long as it doesn’t end up dating or seeing each others. I chat with other women and it gave me pleasure knowing I can still attract other women (I’m in my 70th). I’ve never met any women I chatted with and I have no intention of meeting. The saying, “it’s greener at the other side of the fence” holds true in some cases and most, men or women, want to try something new. . . it’s the bad side of us that comes out in chatting. We all fantasized and chatting is part of the fantasies, whether we admit ir or not. I strongly feel chatting with other men or woman is fine as long as no body contact are involved.
Hello Edward,
Chatting online is a very slippery scope. Most men start out this way as something to ‘boost their ego’ with no intention of doing anything physical. And then things change and next thing you know your in a full out affair. I get the fantasy part, my husband talked to the OW in a very naughty nature that he did not with me. The thing that is a little troubling is that you mention it is a pleasure to know that you can still attract other women. That makes me feel this is something your doing to make yourself feel good, the problem is, if you like it, your going to want more and what’s stopping you from taking it to the next level? I am glad that your strong enough not to contact any of the women you have chatted with, but not that confident that your going to keep that status forever. Do you not feel comfortable talking to your wife about these feelings and fantasies? Maybe she has the same desires as well?? Again, no one likes someone to smile in their face and slap them in the back, and to get that kind of treatment from your husband is very difficult. I think she would be less hurt (either way she would be hurt) if you were just honest with her about your feelings versus talking to women online without her knowing. If she knows that you do this already and she is ok with it – totally different story.
HI
This website is fantastic, i’ve been with my husband 23 years, i found out at the beginning of last year that he had an affair, which went on for at least 4 months or maybe more don’t know if he’s telling the truth when he says 4 months it was with a work colleague of his, the hurt he caused was something i’ve never experienced before and wouldn’t wish the pain on anyone, i forgave him for the affair even though it kills me every day knowing that they see each other in work, she was also married, but the arguments started things were really bad so he moved out, we kept in touch over the 3 months he didn’t live with me, we went out for drinks etc a bit like dating again, so after 3 months he moved back in, that was in January this year, i obviously don’t trust him anymore so i checked the history on his internet last night and i nearly had a heart attack when i found he was chatting to women in these chat rooms, telling them what he would like them to do to him etc well im devastated, he says it was harmless fun and that it’s not cheating, he’s smashed his phone and said to save our marriage he won’t ever have a mobile again, but he could easily have one without me knowing thats how much i don’t trust him anymore, my confidence is zero i feel worthless after this, i asked him why and was i not good enough for him he says he loves me and can’t live without me, he’s the only man i’ve ever been with and the only man i’ve slept with i don’t why he’s got this hold on me it’s like i cant let go.
Hello Amy,
Your not alone in your feelings, but you are more powerful than you ever will know, you might feel broken down right now, but you will gain strength each and everyday, that is my hope for you. I know because I have been there.
My LOWEST point in this entire ordeal was when I took him back, after being completely devastated, only to find out months later he was still seeing her. It’s almost like at that point your so mentally beaten up, your hopes, your dreams, it is unreal, so I know how hurtful that can be.
I also know it took a great deal and time an effort, but I am in a better place now, and you will be as well. Sometime after 23 years, people change. And unfortunately, sometimes when men get caught cheating, it’s like an addiction, they keep running back because of the excitement of it. Your biggest problem in staying in the marriage is that you now have to figure out how you can not feel depressed and worthless and still be married. Some people go to therapy and really work things out. For me personally, I just couldn’t feel confident around him anymore, so I moved out. You literally got heartbroken last night, so you probably just need some time to think, rest, and heal from the trauma of what you just saw on the internet. In time your emotions will lead you to the right answer, and it that takes a couple of months, then so be it, it’s been 23 years, so you have a lot to think about. Take care, and sorry to hear about your situation, it’s all too familiar (even the part about the phone, my husband didn’t smash it, but got rid of it after I found out the 2nd time – temporarily). Keep in touch and thanks for the kind words about the site.
Thanks for your reply it helps knowing that other people know exactly what you’re going through, since all this happened i can’t help wondering if there are any decent men out there who don’t cheat, because i know a lot of men, family members etc have cheated on their wives/partners, i truly believe that the majority of men are lying cheats, i know women cheat aswell, something i’ve never done, but i can’t help this feeling, it would be a lot easier to deal with this if i hated him but i love him i can’t help my feelings, but at the moment im numb and as i sit here while hes in work, i honestly feel that i couldn’t care less anymore!! maybe that’s me learning to be stronger because they do say what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and that saying is so true, i don’t think he can hurt me like that again it’s like my body won’t accept the hurt anymore, but one thing i have decided is that im putting MYSELF first from now on, lots of girly nights out, going out and having fun!!!! my kids are grown up so haven’t got any ties, i also believe in Karma, i won’t take revenge by cheating myself it’s not something i want to do i don’t believe in it, so i will wait for Karma to do it’s thing!
Yes Amy – love the attitude about putting yourself first, you have to. I see myself in you, I was right where you were at one point in my life, and I know what you mean about him not acting like he is as devastated as I was, that was shocking for me, it’s like do you care at all?? His brother actually told me that I will come out of this experience stronger than ever before. I held on to that line and said it to myself many times, and you know what, he was right, I am stronger and more confident than I have ever been. Can’t wait to hear about your personal success story, keep in touch!!
Hi,
I have found out only four days ago that my husband of 16years is spending up to two hours a day online checking out porn videos and searching for escort and adult companions in our area. I was shocked. I have packed up my bags, my two years old son and we have gone to live with my parents. He has denied all of this but when I showed him the evidence on the computer he finally gave in. Now he is begging me to come back but I feel that I am unable to trust him and trust that he has not been with a prostitute. Apparently he has been into online porn ever since our baby was born! He was working for two years in the Middle East. Only now I am learning about porn addiction (something I would laugh about last week!) and taking it very seriously. Considering a divorce but still dont have a 100percent certainty, what if he is saying the truth, what if it was “innocent” if online porn can be? What do you think?
Hello Jane,
I personally believe internet porn is an addiction. Those images are a fantasy world that men can easily get caught up in. If it was just porn, that is one thing, but you have a couple other things going on which needs attention.
1. He has been lying and denying until there was proof. So trust is destroyed, that has to be built up, especially if he travels alot.
2. Watching porn is one thing, trying to find local escorts in the area is another thing. That is taking it to the next level.
If I were in your shoes, I would not make any decision about divorce at this time, you just found out, your emotions are in overdrive right now and you are not in the right state to make sure a big decision.
Take some time and evaluate the situation. Does your husband really want to work on the marriage. Is he willing to not have a computer? Is he willing to share his phone freely at any time? He has to be really serious about restoring the trust for this to work. Don’t rush the decision, but don’t think about it for years as well:). Trust your own instinct when considering if you should stay or leave. Make sure he is committed, because to restore the damage takes alot of work. I wish you and your husband the best in whatever you decide to do.
-Jewels
My husband was on second life ( a game where you can also role play) he played a master and had slaves. i could see his screen so i thought all was ok. well he was always with this one slave and i kept asking him about her. he told me it was only role play, like co-authors. and they never talked about anything personal. then he started acting strange about me talking to some guy online that is from a support chat group im in. he never cared before. i had this bad gut feeling so the next day when he went to work i checked his log history for second life. it was deleted but (what i find strange yet meant to be) it was in recycle bin still. so i pulled it up and saw only IM’s he had from two weeks before, nothing before, nothing after, just those few days in between, so i read them and found out that a few weeks earlier (i read the IM’s a little over a month ago now) well she was talking to him about coming down to visit him. and he was asking what hotel and such. on a saturday he told me he had to work. well that was the saturday he met up with her.and i read the IM of them talking the next day about how good it was and such. i was shocked. he actually went to that hotel and had sex with her. and i was reading a bit of the details. its one thing to find out but to read what they said to each other made me sick. well long story short. i told him i knew and how i found out. we talked it out on a thursday and went to counciling that saturday. we also bought a work book called ” torn asunder” about recovering from an affair. he deleted second life from his computer. seems late at night after i go to bed on weekends is when he would really talk personal with her. but we are now trying to work it out. our communication has finally gotten alot better. i still cry a few times a week. and think of so much about it all every single day since i found out. but in time im sure it will be less and less. i still dont trust him, and i still check his computer now and then. so far nothing bad is on it as far as i can see. but i still worry. if i find out things are still going on i think id freak. i cant take going through all this again. it was a one night stand and he says that they only had contact in second life . he even says he only knew her screen name, which i find a bit odd. i keep asking him questions now and then. trying to make since of it all. but sometimes it feels things dont add up. he says they were only friends and he was just gonna meet her and he knew i wouldnt like that, so he kept it a secret. but then after they went site seeing and went back to hotel, she leaned over and kissed him and called him master, and i guess started playing their little role play game in real life this time. he said he didnt intend on doing anything like that , that it just happened. but i still tend not to believe him. im not sure what to believe any more. i just know i dont want to be naive about it all. yet i want us to work out our marriage. we have been married 8 years now. this isnt my first marriage. i have grown kids and i thought i would grow old with this man. i never ever thought he could or would ever cheat on me. i know first hand how this internet stuff can effect so many marriages. even our councilor said we are not the first couple that he had seen that had marriage problems due to second life. they play a fantasy then try to play it out in real life. to me thats just common since that it wouldnt be the same. oh well.
Hello Karen,
This is the first second life story on the site. I remember hearing about second life years ago, I didn’t realize it was still active, and definitely didn’t know people are using it to meet others online. I am glad you are in counseling and trying to work things out. Crying is normal. This isn’t something you go to a couple of sessions and you are now back to the perfect marriage. The marriage interactions will never be the same as before, but it can be better than before (if that makes any sense). The key is for you and your husband to understand that rebuilding trust from such a low level takes time, and effort. Each time he does something to build trust, it’s like putting a drop of water in an empty bucket. The scary thing is that the bucket could get almost full and one action can cause all the water to fall out. So far, your husband it putting drops in, and if he continues to do that, you will slowly start to re-build your marriage. The fact that it was a one night stand it a good thing, some people have to deal with this, and the women lives next door! I believe that reading those steamy emails about your husband with someone else is so traumatic, seriously, that messes us up mentally, hopefully the counselor will help you through that, because if you don’t heal that trauma, it can cause problems in your marriage. I hope things work out for you.
thank you Jewels. its really been hard, and it seems i find myself trying so hard to change, like looking better, acting happier around him. like im trying to win him back or something. i dont get that part at all. and another thing that really bugged me about all this is he hadnt had sex with me in two years, yet then goes and has it with her. he made it sound to me like he had a medical problem, but obviously he didnt. and even now he doesnt seem to be interested in me sexually even though he says he is. he sure dont act like it. after he cheated i wanted to have sex. im not sure why yet . but anyways, i came on to him. and he still has not come on to me to show me he is interested in me as well. im still so confused.
Hello Karen,
It’s important that you get to the bottom of him not showing interest of wanting to have sex (you have already been through enough with him cheating!). You are going to end up having some deep resentment for him if he had sex with her, and not you. You probably wanted to have sex after he cheated in order to make him realize what he is missing, and because sex is a physically bond between two people, it sometimes validates us and makes everything ok (it didn’t do that in my case, but i understand your urge for it after the affair). You wanted to make sure you still had your husband. I believe you are in marriage counseling. If so, you might want to bring this up as this is critical to the marriage. You can not be happy in a marriage with him if he doesn’t want to have sex, especially since you know it’s not a medical issue and that he had sex with someone else. It’s important that you feel that he is interested in you, important for the marriage, your self-esteem, everything.
I found out 3 months ago my husband was cheating. He thought he caught an STD and was taking meds which I found. He said he wanted to die. I made him tell me everything. It had been going on for 2 1/2 years. My gut told me there was something not quite right but I tried to dismiss it. I should’ve listened to my instinct. Initially he tried to say he cheated because we didn’t have enough sex. Then he said he cheated because I was stressed and overwhelmed with work. Then he said he cheated because he has low self esteem. Blah, blah, blah!!!
He said it all started as friendly chatting with women from different parts of the country. Then it became erotic chat and he sought something closer. He used Adult Friend Finder and Ashley Madison. He said he didn’t go on to look for anything. I wanted him to show me his profile but he said he deleted it. So I checked out the site. I was so offended by what I found. I was so distraught. He kept apologizing and saying how sorry he was and that he didn’t know what type of site it was, trying to B.S. his way out of it. He then said all his hook ups were married women. I wanted a divorce because to me, marriage is a vow to be sexually exclusive. He said he wouldn’t give me one. So then I asked for an open relationship. He said I was hurting him. What about the hurt he caused me? I thought we had good communication. We spent all our free time together, we ate together, cuddled together. How could he say we had problems? He had a problem. He said he realized it was him. He asked if we could try to work things out and go on mini dates. I said, what has changed? We did that before, we’ve always done that. He said we did but he wasn’t really there. So I decided fine, we will have our mini dates, but there were so many triggers. So I decided two can play the game you played. So I created a profile on AM. It was hard. But I did it. I met a few men. I hooked up. I let him know. He was devastated. I have never seen him so distraught. He said it made him realize how much in love he is with me. Whatever. Now he knows the pain he caused me. And I’m I don’t recommend you hook up but like I told him, tit for tat…
Hello Sandra. I find it hard to believe he has no idea what AM was, and he signed up not knowing. It’s almost as if I feel he is in denial of what he has done. But I guess you going on Ashley Madison yourself might of work him up! Now that you are even you both have to decide what to do next. He has to be honest with you on what he was doing, or else you are always going to wonder if he is being honest or not. He doesn’t want a divorce, great, but what is he doing to save the marriage, did he set up counseling, buy books? Recovery from this is extremely hard, so he is going to have to do more than just say ‘I want to work things out’ in order for it to work. He has got to step up if he wants to save the marriage, talking about how much pain he is in is not going to make it work. Now that he realizes how much he loves you, great, time for him to but in some hard work to save his marriage, if you want to save it as well I am sure you will meet him halfway. Best of luck to you.
Hi Jewels
I found my boyfriend at the time was watching porn a bit which didn’t worry me but then I found some chat room stuff – he promised to stop it right away and I trusted that he did…..until this morning…
I jumped onto check my facebook this morning and a pseudo profile popped up – he has again been talking to the same women, just smutty stuff but quite grapic.
In the last 12 months though, our situation has changed dramatically – we are now married and I am pregnant with our first child.
He has admitted to everything but tells me he has never slept with any of these women. I’m gobsmacked to be honest – just can’t believe that he would put our marriage in jeopardy like this?? I travel away for work and he speaks to them only when I am away.
I have suggested that he seeks help by himself and then we have some form of counselling together…but quite honestly, I want to leave him right now.
What are your thoughts, do you have any suggestions?
Carey
Hello Carey, darn it, the ol chat room technique…sorry to hear that. I know you stated that he only does it when you are away for work, but that is not cool. So now every time you go away, you have to think about what he is doing instead of focusing on work. You say what you suggested (individual and joint counseling), but then you say you really just want to leave, which I think if your intuition, which is typically not far off. I guess it depends on your ability to leave. If you have the means (somewhere to live, support from family/friends) to leave, then I think your intuition is telling you something. If you live in the US, he is going to have to pay support to help with the child, they are expensive
. Even if you leave, you can do so and then watch to see what he does. Does he set up marriage counseling, did he sign up for counseling on his own? If he doesn’t then it’s probably not worth keeping him because he is not willing to change himself, and you can’t make him. He promised to stop it right away….and he started back up, not a good sign in my opinion, you are going to have major trust issues if you stay, just my 2 cents 
Thanks Jewels for your response, I also have read your E-Book which I have already found really helpful. Can I ask, did you stay with your husband afterwards? My husband has gone and sought help via counselling & I think I am still in shock to be honest. It’s so disheartening to find out my husband would jepordise something that I considered rock solid! I’m quite hormonal at present being only 10 weeks pregnant so this hasn’t helped my somewhat irrational headspace. What to do now shapes the rest of our life so while I want to run away, I also want to sort out our issues….it’s so hard!
Thanks again Jewels…
Carey,
Yes it is hard!! Hardest thing I ever went through. Me personally, left my husband. I now live alone with my two kids, and I am happier. BUT I didn’t leave right away. From the time I decided to leave until I left, over a year had passed. I needed to save up and mentally prepare to raise two small children on my own. Everyone is different. Your boyfriend is getting counseling, which is good. Being pregnant and going through this is hard, don’t let anyone rush you into making a decision, BUT at the same time, I would stay in the ‘do I stay/do I leave’ stage forever, because it is mentally challenging. I really think your boyfriend will give you the answer through his actions, without much help on your part. Good luck!
I’m not really looking for any advice, just a place to share where others will understand. My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. Before we were married he struggled with looking at pornography online, felt very guilty, ashamed, and remorseful about this when he did it, and would confess and ask me to forgive him. When we got married nothing started right away, but about 18 months in I discovered him looking at porn again AND chatting with women online. We went to marriage counseling, and that really helped, but a few years later I came home from work for lunch and caught him chatting with women again. This time was different, I wasn’t angry at all, just hurt, SO hurt.
The last few years I have suspected it many times, but when I asked he said he was not doing anything inappropriate online. Tonight he went out, and I just had this feeling to check his computer, I discovered chats to multiple women with x-rated conversations. He has on-going chats (not just IM, also webcam), with several of them. One woman asked if he was married, he said yes, and she said that she would not talk to anyone that was sneaking around on their wife.
We do not have children, and this is one of the primary reasons that I have not been ready to expand our family. I’m scared that our marriage will not last because of this behavior and my dreams of being a mother will be shattered. I am 29, I’ll be 30 in January. I still have time, but not nearly as much as time to have children as I did 10 years ago when we got married. I’m scared that it won’t last, and I will lose my opportunity to be a mother, which I want to be more than anything.
I love my husband, but this addiction is tearing us apart and slowly eating away at his soul. I have moved on from feelings of inadequacy, lack of confidence, and insecurity. This addiction is very much about him, not me, but I am suffering.
This past March, my husband and I went on a trip for our ten year anniversary. He had been acting really distant towards me but I thought maybe it was his job and just needed a get-away. On our trip he acted as if he’d rather be having his toenails pulled than to be with me. He would disappear for hours at a time and being that we were at a casino I didn’t think too much about it at first, but it continued the whole time we were there. I would brag to others the reason we were there and he acted like it aggravated him. Well, days went by and I noticed excessive use of the laptop and when I came within a certain diameter of him the computer screen would change. So, I decided to do a little detective work. I wasn’t happy at all with what I found. He had been going into chat rooms and chatting with many, many women. There was no “ugly” chatting, just casual talk mainly. He would call them “sweetie” and when he really started to like someone it would be “sweetheart”. I then checked the phone records and was absolutely devastated at all the calls he had been having with these many, many women. I confronted him with it and he said it was an “ego” thing and promised to never do it again. He also assured me that he’d never met anyone in person. Of course I was deeply hurt, but I forgave him. Last week I decided to snoop again just to see if he had kept his word. I didn’t find anything recent but I did find an old conversation where he had gotten deeply involved with a women from another state. He told her that he loved her and wanted to be with her. He wanted to get to know her kids and that she deserved the best of everything. She was wonderful. He ended one of his texts with “P.S. – I Love You” which to this day scrolls through my mind every time I close my eyes. I confront him with it and he explodes. He says, “Why do you keep bringing that subject up? That’s in the past and I said I was sorry, now get over it!” How can I possibly just “get over” the fact my husband just told another woman he loved her and wanted to be with her? Was it all part of an ego game or did he mean it? I’m so torn!
Gatybu
I found out recently that my husband was watching porn (vids, magazines, online hard core cam) and chatting up and IM women from multiple sites who contacted him via Messenger and he contacted through the porn sites. He also joined many sites for local dating. When I confronted him, he agreed to go to counseling and said he had never met anyone live, never paid for anything online and that most of the women that contacted him were scammers looking for money. He was registered at more than 50 online sites. He said he would string them along to send him pictures and see if they would ask for money.
I read some of the message conversations and they are quite graphic. I asked him if he ever did video or voice chat and he denied it until I confronted him with a latest round of chatting with an Asian woman that he says is a friend and that she makes him laugh. He did video chats only with her, he claims and he met her as she was a dancer on a hard core site. It seems from the conversations I read that he had developed an emotional connection to her as there were over 200 emails, conversations over 6 weeks. He asked her about her health, told her he loved her and would sleep only a couple of hours some nights to talk to her while I was out of town for work. He says he is now done with all this. He claims that what he did was simply a diversion and that it was a game – just harmless fun. He says I should put it behind me and move forward. I was crushed because even after he told me he never did video chats I find that he lied about being on cam. So how can I trust him now? He says he never told me because he hoped it would all just go away. As I read through the chats (yes, I self-inflicted pain on myself), I found that he did this on vacation, on our anniversary, while I was sleeping, cooking dinner, etc
He claims that this whole mess was not about me but we did fight a fair bit over the years and it was an already rocky marriage. He claims he wants to start fresh and just move forward. I am very conflicted. I am in my 50s, scared of being alone and despite all of this I still have feelings for him. We are going to counseling but not sure he gets this as he says I should just move ahead. He acknowledges that what he did was wrong and that he just got caught up. He says he is not asking me to forgive him but that he wants me to stop questioning him and to stop talking about it but I just cannot do that so we are at a big fork in the road.
Advice appreciated so much. I am having trouble getting by.
Thanks for this column
Hi,
I know exactly how you are all feeling.
I always check up on my husband via facebook because hes always chatting to random women he knows and even his friend’s girlfriends.
As most of you have already said, the messages are really graphic and it hurts to read them cuz you think youve actually done something to make them do it in the first place. We have recently moved in together and he gets up in the middle of the night to go on porn sites, this other fairly new webcam site called chatroulette and generally chatting to women. I obviously cant be sure if he’s ever physically cheated on me but feel that this is just as bad. Whenever I have confronted him about all these things he says that he doesnt remember doing it or ‘i havent been on those websites’ or something along those lines and its frustrating because i then can’t say anything more on the matter because i can’t actually prove anything cuz he will have deleted the messages by then or deleted the internet history. it’s driving me mad because half the time i’m actually believing him because he’s that good at lying. any advice on this would be brilliant!
Sue wrote:
“He claims that this whole mess was not about me but we did fight a fair bit over the years and it was an already rocky marriage. ”
This is a common tactic…to say “this is not about you.” My husband has used this line frequently with me. It’s a way to put up a wall and get you off his back so he can feel better.
The thing is, it’s bullshit. It IS about you. It affects you. It affects your marriage, your mental health, and in many cases, physical health.
How many women here sleep lightly, or stressfully, through the night because of their husband’s past diliances online? That alone affects physical health. The amount of stress causes blood pressure and heart issues.
It IS about you. His choices affect you. Whether a person hides money problems from their spouse, or sexual preferences, these actions affect the other spouse.
You gotta get to a place where you’re willing ot stand up for yourself, and understand you have the right to be treated better. When you get to that place, you’re able to confront the “it’s not about you” issue and clearly, calmly, and rationally state that indeed, it is about you. It’s about your life and the affects of all this on it. The triggers you must now go through. The doubt. Insecurity. Lack of feeling SAFE in your marriage. Loss of trust. Loss of intimacy.
Marriage is a two-way street. ALl our choices we make once we choose to become married must be considered in light of our partner’s role in our lives.
Brenda, you are so right! I still sleep lightly and had in the past woken up to heart palpitations. While sleeping I thought I was dreaming about the palpitations but no. The stress is so hard on us. My bodies system went into over drive for 2 yrs I felt my heart racing for so long that many time I thought I was having a heart attach only to be having panic attacks. I lost 40lbs because of it. I am know at a regular weight but it took 2years to get back to it. Men really only think o themselfs and not the whole picture and whom they will affect!
(I apologize for the delayed response, not sure how I missed these posts from a while back!!)
Marisol,
It’s interesting how you mentioned that you just had a feeling and checked his computer. Our instincts usually spot on. It does appear that your husband has an addiction, I almost sense that he feels the need to seek validation from multiple women online. You stated that you went through counseling a few years ago and it helped, nothing wrong with doing it again. At the end of the day, I think you have to look within yourself and think about what you want to do and how much your husband is willing to work on his problem. I know you want kids, and as your probably know having a child would complicate things greatly (if you got pregnant it would be ok, just complicate things). If you want to be a mommy you will be one regardless if you stay in the marriage, take care look forward to an update.
Gatybu –
Those works ‘Get over it’ make me cringe in terms of saying that to you, I even wrote a post about that phrase that you can read here – Cheating Man . I think cheating husbands have a hard time understanding how emotionally traumatizing this is. It makes you constantly question yourself. You are always thinking is there more. You want to know but you don’t want to be paranoid, you want to work on the marriage but you don’t want to feel like a fool, you want to move on….but you can’t. The irony of the phase get over it is that you do so by talking and communicating and bringing things up like you did. You do not want to get to the point where you are suppressing those feelings. Give us an update when you get a chance.
Sue – Thank you for your kind words. Seeing what you saw is traumatic, it’s not something you just sweep under the rug and move on. This is what makes it so hard – the cheater wants to not hear about it so that they are not reminded of the ‘bad deeds’, meanwhile as the wife, we need to talk about it to make us feel confident that what you are saying is the truth. You mentioned something about him lying and how that hurt you. I felt the same way, when I found out about the affair I was hurt, but it hurt me more that he was not honest when I asked him initially about things, I was really hurt that he would lie to try to cover up. It’s natural to still have feelings for him, he is your husband. At this point you have to think about if he is willing to fight for the marriage, that is a big determination on how things will work out. Look forward to your update.
Hello C.M.B.,
Even though you can not prove if he is indeed cheating or not, the problem is that he is literally lying to you, which is scary. It means that he is in some serious denial. Most cheaters deny deny deny until you have proof. In your case, you know that he was on these site, and for him to look at you and say he doesn’t remember is tough. I think you have to have a heart to heart with him and tell him he needs to be honest with you in order to save the marriage. His behavior will continue until he actual can say that he is doing these things. I know you are probably beyond frustrated, hang in there!
So I’m new to this and I only found out tonight that my partner has been ‘chatting’ with two women on an online dating website. He works shift work and I noticed that a lot of the conversations take place at night while he’s working. My concern is that he’s sent them pictures of his private areas and they’ve reciprocated. They’ve discussed meeting, but according to the emails, they never have. He’s requested their phone numbers and they’ve given them to him so I don’t know whether he’s texting them as well. I just don’t know who to feel. I feel numb and absolutely worthless. I can’t understand why he would do this to me when the entire time he was engaging in these ‘chats’, he was talking to me about marriage, children and purchasing a home together. I had absolutely no idea he was doing this. There were no signs at all. He has always been incredibly attentive and thoughtful and our sex life had not changed at all. I confronted him about it and all he would say is that it had nothing to do with me or our relationship. I can’t see how that could be true though. If he was truly happy and satisfed in our relationship, why would be seek these ‘chats’ out? The conversations themselves are mostly flirtatious and slightly sexual in nature, but he does describe what he would like to do to them. I’m so hurt and confused ladies, I really need your help.
Your man is going through a phase of not being appriecated or being wanted enough. That’s what my man told me. They also look at it as porn in a way, it’s exciting to them makes them feel young and that every women want them. My husband even took it to the next level by subsribing to adult sex sites where he could talk to these real hookers and send pics back and forth. He thought is was all fun until I found out about it. To make a long story short, he now knows it is another form of cheating. Because if it is a secret it is cheating! The computer age has done more damage to marriages than anything else I can think of. sometimes I just wished he died so I wouldn’t have had to go through so much pain. I still do some days when he will say something or do something that will just trigger everything all over again.
LisaP:
Not so true. He may say that but thats not really the cause. As for the sex site… yeah it could be just for fun… a dangerous kind.
What he is going through is being a victim to coolidge effect, a very problematic biological reaction that is the cause of many heartbreaks. I have given a short version for Joy but I’ll elaborate here.
There are two things(maybe more) about orgasm (from sex or masturbation) that contributed to this:
-orgasm numbs pleasure sensitivity a notch developing tolerance for sexual pleasure. That is, after an orgasm a person needs more stronger stimulation to receive the same amount of pleasure they had before. The pleasure sensitivity would return to normal two weeks to one month after orgasm. The problem is if a person has orgasm before his/her pleasure sensitivity returns to normal the ‘numbness’ would compound, making the numbness even stronger. So after having lots of orgasm in quick succession would build up a high tolerance for sexual pleasure. In other words sex becomes less and less satisfying.
So after having a lot of sex and orgasm, a person will find his current partner less and less able to give him pleasure. The person will then have less and less sex, which leads to sexless marriage. A booster for pleasure is giving something novel in sex like new sex position, harder sex, sex toys, or new location. The one with the biggest impact is having a new sexual partner… even if its 2d (like porn).
-orgasm also had this effect of making people hornier, that is, seek more sex amd orgasm. As above, after having rapid succession of orgasm, without letting the body recover, the horniness compounds, becoming stronger and stronger. Orgasm after orgasm, the hornier and hornier ones gets. Slowly other possible sex partners is very interesting, especially the willing ones. There lots of them online in form of porn and adult sites and one could get easily hooked.
In other words, orgasm (especially excessive amounts of orgasm) has this effect:
-a person gets less and less satisfaction from his sex partner, thus have less and less interest for sex with him/her. Only having novel more stimulating experiences could satisfy… like having a new sex partner.
-a person gets more and more hornier wanting to have more gratification from orgasm. The body demands more sexual pleasure.
With this two effects getting stronger and stronger after every orgasm, having affairs will get more and more attractive. It would then reach a point where the person is unable to resist and just must have sex… ending in cheating.
Hello Joy,
You just found out very recently, so your emotions are very high. And unfortunately, his response probably didn’t give you much comfort. As women we tend to blame ourselves first for his cheating, if he cheated, what did I do? And in a sense he is right, it probably had little to do with you, and everything to do with his selfishness is his actions. You can not make you husband go and flirt and talk to other women, that is a decision that he makes on his own. Some men cheat and the wives are beautiful, cook, have sex every night, it’s not about the wife, it is about the man, and how he responds to life.
I guess the first thing is your husband has to see how this impacts the marriage, it seems like he is casual about this which I am not too comfortable with because if he is casual, he might not see the wrong in it or the impact. Unfortunately pics turn into phone calls, which turn into affairs, so it is a big deal.
He has to see the serious wrong in what he did if the relationship is going to survive and he has to take actions to understand why he did it.You can’t force him to do this, you can suggest, but not force.
I know you are hurt right now but I will tell you this – know this now at this time in your relationship is a blessing. Can you imagine purchasing a home, getting married, having 2 kids, living away from family, and then seeing this (that’s what happened to me)? So as hurt as you are, you are going to look back and say man I am glad I found out when I did.