It’s interesting how your intuition whispers in your ear when it comes to an affair. About a month before I found out my husband was cheating, I asked him his thoughts on an ‘open relationship’ to see how he would react. I knew something wasn’t right with us and I thought by asking the question, it would give me some insight to see if he had the capacity to cheat on me. I actually got the idea from watching a talk show where married couples engaged in different type of open relationships. It was interesting; I didn’t even know they are married couples who have protected sex with other married couples just for the variety.
His response was very clear – absolutely not interested. Refused and even questioned why I asked as if to say that I might be cheating or something. Part of me was a little relieved because I thought ‘oh, if he was that strong in not wanting on open relationship, I don’t think he would cheat…(haha)’. At the same time, I was a little concerned that he didn’t really want to talk about it, I felt that as a married couple, we should be able to talk about everything, but he cut the conversation off quick.
His response is even more strange to me now that I found out he was cheating. I think he was so turned off by it because the thought of some other man inside of me was in some way shape or form, cutting into his manhood. Yet he cheated on me…?
If I had only two choices, ‘infidelity’ or and ‘open marriage’, hands down would of picked open marriage, and here is 3 reasons why:
- Open marriage – the deceit is not there, you know what the deal is upfront, there is no sneaking around and constant lying to the one you love.
- You don’t have to feel like you locked your man into sex with one person the rest of his life. If he wants more variety, you discuss the terms of the open marriage, and you get it, period. With affairs, men might feel like they are ‘locked in’ but instead of talking about it, they cheat.
- With an open marriage, I assume the worst that can happen is that your spouse breaks one of the rules you set up before your relationship became open. Seems like it would take a lot to have a ‘deal breaker’. In cheating spouses, often times the actual deal breaker is the act of cheating.
I think that open and honest discussion is really important to me. I would rather be hurt by honestly than to be hurt by deceit or be cheated. Now that I know how important that is to me, if someone cannot be painfully honest with me, that’s a deal breaker for me.
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Time and time again I have been cheated on, and its not me I know that however its unrealistic I now know to force and expect a spouse to be faithful. These false expectation is where lies and deceit come into play. To me thats the worst part of it all, the lying! Do I want to see or know that my husband is with another woman, no but the truth is the truth. However it will be a two way street and he will have to accept the possibility of me being with another man its only fair I believe. Its time to be realistic ladies….men cheat! If they are half decent looking, someone wants them what can we do!
Hello Cee, thanks for the comment. That is why I really wish men would just be honest instead of the lying. The problem is men get married and put constant messages in our head that they are faithful. That is what messes our minds up, they literally are saying one thing for years, and doing another. And they never want to accept that you could/would be with another man, that is when they get upset – (go figure). I appreciate your honestly. Take Care.
Yeah I think an open marriage is one of those things that “look good on paper” but then when it’s actually being done it’s another story. To me it’s not just the lying that bothers me it’s the loss of love and respect and I think that that is still a possibility in an open marriage. In other words there is still the opportunity for them to lie and say “I’m just having sex with her” but they are secretly having a meaningful relationship with her behind your back. Which would be one of those rules they could break. There is going to be rules and expectations in a normal or open marriage… There’s no way around it and there’s no way to completely avoid heartache. I also think that men do have more of a tendency to say things like “do as I say, not as I do” because most men are self centered and selfish. Most men would probably be insecure KNOWING that you’re with another man because it would cut into their manhood. Especially if they know the other man’s manhood is bigger! LOL!
Good points, I just get the impression that in an open marriage, there is less of a need to lie, because it’s the type of relationship where sleeping with other women is a known thing. Sometimes I do think I would feel SOO much better about the situation if he would of just come to me and said he is having feelings for another women. I would be hurt, but not as hurt as finding out about an affair. I do agree that most of the open marriages are one-sided, most being the men having more women (well I am not sure, wonder what the stats on are that), I just assumed because most men like you said would be uncomfortable about the concept.
The reason is clear, it’s sex. He wants you to be broken in. You have to understand all men cheat it is a sexual driven nature for them. So even if you leave him, someone else will do it. It’s better to stop believing marriage is the way of life and to accept a role in it. Be on your own and you choose your sex. If he is out cheating and you feel he is not satisfying you, get your one night stand with a guy you want to get freaky with. That way you have it your way. Stop building a nest for these men to control. Build your own nest and its yours.
Hello Dee Dee,
I think there is some real truth to what your saying, BUT it’s a hard pill for me and many women to swallow because we were told our whole lives to get married, have kids, ect. No one told us about this sexual nature and cheating thing. And I really think that men play into marriage as well, telling us they want to be married, they play the game as well. I just don’t get it, why can’t people just be upfront and say, I love you, but I am a man, and I am going to desire more than you. Instead, they string us along telling us not to cheat while they cheat. I like your last line of building your own nest. I can’t even think of ever getting married again, but next time around, the relationship might not be exactly like what your describing, but it will be on MY terms, and I will make sure I am satisfied. That is the one thing this experience has taught me, to be empowered and not depend on anyone for that, but myself. Take Care.
Morning Jewels,
I too, was once married it didn’t work out because I chose to leave. I cheated on him because I wasn’t happy and there were no form of establishment or foundation. I said to him, I don’t want to hurt you, so it is over. I haven’t heard from him since 2008. He remarried and has a stepson so all is well I hope. I felt I did the right thing because as a human being he didn’t deserve that. So before him I was in abusive relationships I think we all are in a cycle and need to break from it and stop living up to the ‘American system’. It is not the “American dream” but more of an “American Nightmare”. It leads to stressful situations. We were all taught as young girls, “play with dollies have a make believe toy kitchen because that’s what you’ll be doing when you grow up”. And ever notice when we were little girls boys always played outside, wild no ‘set of rules’ for them? And why is it they are not as emotional? Because they’re taught to be tough, not feminine. And to be with as many women as possible and not to hold down one woman but as many and get a “fort” and it is yours, or, “learn how to conquer” boys have toy guns which is meant for military. So America is sending out a message. Women procreate stay at home, men go out military or military jobs such as police and sleep with women who are “disadvantaged” aka don’t follow the” American system”. The American System consist of, going to school, graduating and getting married and having a governmental career then having lots of money to support yourself. That is what capitalism is all about. Nowadays women are encouraged to work but in clerical, office work positions and making books for other women to read so they too, can do the same work. And men will always be in charge of all big major companies. Very few women are in ceo positions of companies. So the problem isn’t just at home ladies. It is global. So, what do you do now? You think America really cares about your problems? Oh right, they have therapist, psychologist, Priest..etc…but aren’t they too, brainwashed to fit into the American system?
I let my wife sleep with another man when she said that she wanted to experiment. Her justification was she had not had sex before meeting me and we have been married for two years. When she came back from a weekend with the new guy it had exposed a whole host of problems that I didn’t know we had. Now I am losing my wife. She no longer wants to be with me.